Chaos: Welcome to the Felix Awards 2009, Featuring the Backstreet Boys…and Kevin Richardson.
(Sung to the tune of Broadway Rhythm)
Brian: Gotta Dance….
AJ: Gotta Dance
Nick: Gotta Dance
Howie: And siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!!!!!!
All four: Welcome to the Felix Awards… everybody siiiiiingA night we'll all learn to adore….everybody siiiiiing
Brian and Howie: We have the best stories in town
AJ and Nick: People all dressed in their best ball gowns
All four: So come out and have some fun…everybody dance and sing
*All four boys dance off of the stage and are replaced by all the nominees for best author and best new author*
(Sung to the tune of We Are the Champions)
Best author nominees: We are the writers my friend and we'll keep on writing til the end.
Best new author nominees: We are the newbies…and Nick likes his boobies…
Kevin walks on stage (spoken): Hold on! I have to stop this!! *Motions for the orchestra to stop*.
*All the authors look confused as Kevin continues* You guys are up here because of your writing abilities and this is all you come up with? We are the newbies and Nick likes his boobies?
Chaos: Hey, Don't shoot the messenger, we didn't write it.
Pengi: Yeah, we're just singing this.
Greta: Under threat of -- *poof* *disappears, never to be heard from again, all her nominations mysteriously removed from ballot* *Oddly, nobody can even remember what it is that she wrote...*
Kevin: But even still…
Julie: You guys sing things that make no sense all the time.
Darby: I Want It That Way ring a bell?
Kevin: Okay fine….I'm just saying that for the writer's I would have hoped it would have made a little more sense.
Mare (who won this award last year because of her awesome writing ability): Have you ever tried to pull together an opening number for people who usually don't sing for an award ceremony that will be read? Have you?? (Stands there with arms folded and tapping her foot impatiently)
Kevin: Uh….
Mare: I thought so, now get off the stage so they can finish and move on!!! *Pulls Kevin off the stage and pinches his butt for good measure*
All best author nominees continue: We are the writers….we like hang gliders…no time for losers cause we will then boo hers…. We are the writers of the world!!
(Kevin is heard off stage): Boo hers? What does that even mean?
* All the writers dance off the stage and are replaced with Quinn from Casual, Crystal from Sinister Devotion, Veronica from Write Kind of Love, Jamie from Being Jamie Baker, Brian from If We Were a Movie
(Sung to the tune of I Feel Pretty)
*all the girls dance around Brian in the center of the stage except for Jamie who stays in the corner*
Quinn: I am pretty, oh so pretty. I am pretty and witty and wise….and so sexy…I bet all of these girls wish they were guys.
(All the girls give her a look of disgust while they sing) lalalalala..la..la.lalalaaaaaa
Crystal (Pushes Quinn out of the way): I'm endearing, and so charming, it's no wonder they all fall for me.
Veronica (Pushes Crystal out of the way): I'm the smartest, and the nicest of us all you see.
(All the girls once again give a look of disgust while they sing.) lalalalalala…la..la..lalaaaaaa
Brian (pushes Veronica out of the way as he flits around the stage): See that pretty girl in that corner there?
All girls except for Jamie: What corner where?
Brian: (walks towards Jamie) Who can that attractive girl be?
All girls not looking too happy now: Which, what, where… spoken: Her?
Brian: Such a pretty girl, such a pretty face such a pretty, such a pretty… *Goes to grab Jamie's hand and is electrocuted and falls backwards.*
*Girls all scream and run off stage.*
Jamie (looks embarrassed and grimaces): Uh…..such a pretty…me?
*Shrugs as Brian writhes in pain as he's pulled off stage by Dr Rough's Penguins.*
*Music stops for a second as Dr. Rough and his penguins from 00_Carter, The Boss from Seven Days, Chub Chub from Thirteenth Step and Kevin, just being Kevin, take the stage. All come out dressed in tuxes with top hats and canes. The penguins are on the ends and Chub Chub is on The Boss's shoulder*
(Sung to the tune of Mr. Heat miser)
Everyone all together except for Kevin who looks annoyed and confused:
We are the coolest villains… that ever lived.
We like to torture people when they act kind of glib!
They call us psychotic and evil and that makes us blush!
Because it gives us a rush, we're too much!
Kevin: (Spoken) I don't know why the hell I'm here. I'm not evil or psycho. I just quit the band!
Everyone: (Ignoring Kevin) Too much!
Penguins: Too much!
Kevin: (Spoken): Okay, and since when do penguins sing?
Chaos: Haven't you seen "Happy Feet"?
Kevin: I conveniently blocked that out…
* The lights fade as the villains leave the stage to be replaced by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Sam and Dean from Supernatural, the cast of Hannah Montana, The cast of Scrubs and the cast of Law and Order SVU.*
The Miscellaneous rap:
The TMNT are beat boxing while everyone else raps:
Hey, yo don't forget about us…we represent the stories from the back of the bus.
It's not all about the Backstreet Boys so why the big fuss?
We're just as important and we'll even cuss!
Miley Cirus: Damn! Hehe
Sam and Dean: You think that Nick is the only one that can get some action? Well you try hunting demons and you'll write a retraction
Sam: Boyeeee! (Dean looks at Sam and shakes his head at his white-ness)
Scrubs cast: Leave it to us to tell a story about cancer
Cast of Law and Order: and we'll be the ones to book the people that rape her…
Everyone: so give us our due and stop selling us short because we're just as important as...
Julilly (comes on stage): Excuse me guys, bathroom break is over and everyone's coming back to their seats so we need you to get off the stage now. Thanks!
*Misc peeps sigh as they shuffle off the stage with heads down, while Julilly smiles evilly.*
*Everyone who was involved in the opening number come back out on stage. Backstreet is standing in the front and everyone else is behind them. *
Everyone sings all together:
Welcome to the Felix Awards…everybody siiiiing.
A night we'll all learn to adore….everybody siiiiing
We hope you'll have a wonderful night.
Full of hope and not any freight
So, let's get started no time to waste
Everybody
Daaaaaaaaaance
Aaaaaaaaand
Siiiiiiiiiiiing!
*At the very end of the song a huge sand bag falls from the top of the stage and crushes Honey.*
Kevin: HA!!!!!! How did you like that? It sucks, doesn't it? Mhuahahahahahaha! Okay you can close the curtain now.
Curtain drops, leaving just the Backstreet Boys (and Kevin) at the podium.
Continue Watching the Awards or Duck out, grabbing only a list of the winners