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Author Topic: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)  (Read 23612 times)

Steph

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Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
« Reply #15 on: June 02, 2008, 12:34:57 AM »

After reading your revamp of the cheesy story, I almost felt bad for picking on you.
But then, I changed my mind. =)
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RokofAges75

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Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
« Reply #16 on: June 02, 2008, 12:44:03 AM »

I do as well, as I did not know poles through chests were physically possible in accidents until then. ;)

LOL the things you learn...

Actually, there was a bridge construction accident near where I live the year I wrote that story, and that happened to the dad of a kid who went to my school.  He lived, but yeah, he got impaled with a pole of some sort!  So there was my inspiration LOL. :P
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~Julie

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RokofAges75

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Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
« Reply #17 on: June 02, 2008, 12:44:55 AM »

After reading your revamp of the cheesy story, I almost felt bad for picking on you.
But then, I changed my mind. =)

LOL... thanks?  :P ;D
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~Julie

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Steph

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Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
« Reply #18 on: June 02, 2008, 12:45:54 AM »

LOL, in other words, it was a good revamp. :P
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RokofAges75

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Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
« Reply #19 on: June 02, 2008, 12:49:38 AM »

Thanks! :)
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~Julie

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luna610

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Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
« Reply #20 on: June 02, 2008, 12:51:14 AM »

Julie, that's an awesome rewrite! The story sounds familiar but I want to read it now...Great job!
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RokofAges75

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Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
« Reply #21 on: June 02, 2008, 12:53:11 AM »

Thanks!  LOL trust me, you really don't wanna read the original story!  It's sooo bad! :P
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~Julie

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Sakabelle

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Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
« Reply #22 on: June 02, 2008, 12:56:39 AM »

Great job Julie!  Adding all that description really helped set the tone for the end of the story and what had happened. 
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~Saka ♥

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Steph

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Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
« Reply #23 on: June 02, 2008, 01:14:55 AM »

Man, the only cringe-worthy story I really have on hand still is buried somewhere in my totes... and I am scared to read it again, it was sooooooooo horrible.
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Rose

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Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
« Reply #24 on: June 02, 2008, 01:20:39 AM »

Most of my cringe worthy stuff has been lost between an old comp crashing, and ff.net being dumb lol.

But, the first eight chapters of DOR were written during 2002/2003. Back when I was 16, me and Steph (bluecloud then) used Divisions of Reality as a side project, hence why 5 years later it's still going (even if by me alone lol) and not finished. The first few chapters of that fic I wrote definitely make me cringe. But hey I was 16 lol. So I'm rewriting a chunk of the first chapter for the story. I've been debating rewriting the first half anyway, but I figure I'll do it after I actually finish the story lol.
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Rose

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Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
« Reply #25 on: June 02, 2008, 01:44:21 AM »

Okay, here, sadly is the original lol. I was just barely sixteen here people. *hides*

Chapter One: Not For Me…

Year: 3988

He watches on as the three flaxen-haired five year olds play happily together in the sunlight. Who could believe that they are the ones who are capable of causing so much chaos and destruction to everything in existence? The kind man smiles faintly, they look so happy together. It’s a shame they have to separate the three siblings. But he and the other watchers of the Holy Rintistian Faith have no choice. If the story is true, the three children cannot remain together…

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Ten Years Later…

“But every thousand years there is also hope against the evil. In the darkest of nights…”

“There will be light, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Okay, I get it already! Are we done now?”

“Nickolas-”

“Can you ever just call me Nick?” Nick cries, pushing his shaggy light blonde hair out of his face. He’s only heard this infamous religious tale everyday of his life, and to him it got more boring every time. He steps up to the older man angrily. His young childlike face meeting the man’s older, stern one. Nick’s face looks to only be one of a twelve year old, but his 5’9” frame shows his age is actually fifteen.

“We’ve gone over this a bazillion times Demitrius. I know I’m the last one of the sacred triplets still alive. I know the other two rings are lost so mine is deathly valuable! I know I must prepare! I only train every second of every damn day!”

His long time mentor, Demitrius, sighs as he pushes Nick aside slightly. His wrinkled face is worn from his constant troubles. His dark hazel eyes are swirling with worry. His graying brown hair is a sign that his youth is long gone.

“I know my son, but-”

“I’m not your gods damn son!”

“Watch it, Nickolas Gene Carter with your swearing against the gods and goddesses! As for family, well, I’m all the family you have left so-“

“So nothing! I have no GODS DAMN family Demitrius! My parents are dead! My triplet brothers who I never even got a chance to know are dead! I am the last of the Carter Family!” he yells, his sapphire eyes dark and stony with anger.

“Yes, but you must prepare so you do not end up like them.”

“Why not? My life is worthless anyway! What do I have to live for? There is no pleasure in my life, so what is the point? I train twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week! That is my life! So why am I never allowed to relax? You know, here I am living on earth, one of the most fun and entertaining planets in the Milky Way Galaxy, but do I ever get to have fun? NO!” he shouts, his rage growing rapidly to reach dangerous levels. Nick slams his fist into a nearby wall and easily going through it and causing a large hole. He pulls his arm out, ignoring the pain as numerous hazardous cracks begin to quickly creep up along the walls as the end result. “So leave me be!” he screams and storms off to his room.

Nick is tired of the stress filled life he must always deal with. Demitrius has raised him here in Florida for as long as he can remember. He knows though for awhile he was with his parents Jane and Robert Carter, before the evil came and The Watchers were forced to separate him from his siblings. He was told that he was the only one who is still alive and who’s hiding place is unknown. Nick has been raised to train and is a born fighting machine. He hates it however, he loves drawing and tries to do it often but Demitrius often discourages it. He looks out his window at the starry night and sees a ship sail through space. He loves flying, and can do it if necessary, but isn’t very good at it because that is yet another thing he isn’t allowed to do. He watches two young teens laugh and giggle as they stroll down the sidewalk and sighs. He longs for a companion. Because of his so-called sacred duty, Demitrius will not let him have friends outside his trainers. Also, his birthday is in a couple weeks, and he knows he doesn’t want to spend it here. His birthday is on December 31, but Demitrius considers that a bad omen, so his birthday is never celebrated. This year, he wants to have fun and he knows he can’t do that here.

“All I want is to be normal and to have some friends, is that really to much to ask for?” he asks himself softly.


“No,” he tells himself, “It’s not.”

Nicks flops onto his red and black bed, and grabs a nearby duffel bag. “That’s it, I’m outta here. I’m gonna live my life on my own, and I’m gonna live it my way.” he grumbles.

He walks over to his closet and several shelves automatically pop out. Nick grabs his guns, expertly strapping them to his arms and legs and hiding them beneath his clothes quickly. He then throws in random clothes hurriedly. He’s about to leave when he suddenly rushes back to get what he valued most, his drawing pad. He sighs with relief knowing he had almost forgotten it. It falls open to a clearly detailed drawing of a young girl on a foreign planet, standing happily next to her spaceship. You cannot see her face though, for she still has her helmet on with her long hair sticking out in tuffs out of her helmet in the back. Nick smiles as he closes the sketchbook, putting it in the bag, and sealing it up securely. He slowly slips his muscular, trim frame through the window and jumps to the ground.

“If you can’t let me be me, then I’d like to see you do your stupid mission without me.” he whispers as he goes out into the dark night.
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"Don't annoy the writer. They may put you in a book and kill you." —Anonymous

“I don’t believe in being serious about anything. I think life is too serious to be taken seriously.” —Ray Bradbury

Rose

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Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
« Reply #26 on: June 02, 2008, 01:46:50 AM »

Rewritten version...whic h REALLY makes me want to rewrite the first group of chapters now lol.

Chapter One: Not For Me

Year: 3988
Time left: Eleven Years, four months, two weeks, five days, eleven hours, and twenty minutes

Three flaxen haired children were in the older man’s line of vision. The sun shone warmly upon them, its rays making the tops of their heads sparkle with light as if covered with faerie dust. The little ones were only just beyond the toddler stage, triplets five years of age. Three pairs of matching cerulean eyes were wide with innocence as they chased each other filled with giggles with a light only children could create. Two boys and a girl, all gifted in ways even a proud mother never pictured. There was a bond, evident even at that young age that connected the three tightly, made them sensitive to each other’s needs and emotions.

He was about to take that away from them. He was the one sent to separate the three. How could he tear them away from each other after they had already lost their parents? They would be too young to remember this later on, but the Watcher sensed they would feel the void, the loss, the longing that would be inevitably left behind once he did his duty. It was tragic truly. The kind being smiled faintly. They were the ones however, that much was true as told by the Rinistian faith’s prophecy from centuries, millennias even,  before any of them existed. A faith he was a protector of, called a Watcher. Who could believe that these three were the ones capable of saving or damning everything, everyone, in existence?

But for the safety of the triplets, of all things living, dead, spiritual, demonic, they could not remain together…

**********

Year: 3998
Time Left: One year, three weeks, five days, seven hours, fifteen minutes

“Every thousand years…”


“There is a being after the power gained within the crumbling of the walls, with every thousand years there is also the light born to fight, in the darkness there shall be light… I get it already Demitrius! On the gods you make me recite this every damn day don’t you think by all the freaking goddesses, I know it by now? Damn!”

“Nickolas!”

“You’d think you’d know I wanted to be called Nick too!” There were two within the training room. A room with a dark decorum, candles were lit along with incense, sacred markings had been carved within the walls by Rinistian Watchers who had been trained there before their time, upon the floor was the holy altar markings for which spells, meditation were practiced. It was a room the two knew well. One was an older man with raven locks peppered with gray, gentle hazel eyes with wrinkles that had come with time, trials, age, along his face. The other was a sharp contrast to him. That was Nick, a fifteen year old with shaggy golden hair, impish blue eyes that currently blazed with a spirit only a teenager could hold, a lean yet lithe frame tightly muscled from years of training and at the height of six feet.

Demitrius ran a tired hand through his still thick locks, he ruefully thought that even if he was graying, it was nice to still have a full head of hair. A shallow thought for a Watcher, but he wasn’t like most of his faith. He released a sigh, and watched his young, tiresome, charge.  Now, he would try to explain yet again why the story, as well as fate, and the teenager’s destiny were so vital. Nick was so important, yet he didn’t seem to care at all.

“My son, I know this but-”

“I’m NOT your gods damn son!” Even after having heard this for so many years when the younger one had been angry, the words still stung as if they were uttered for the first time.

“Nickolas Carter watch your tongue! Swearing by the gods or goddesses is-”

“Does it look like I care!? You are still not my father!”

Finally, even a calm man of the faith could be goaded into agitation beyond his control. “I’m the only family you’ve got!”

“I don’t care! My parents are dead! My triplet brothers are dead! All dead because of one damn prophecy that seems to control my life!”

“You must prepare so you do not have the same fate!”

A fist slams into one of the walls, in the center of one of the many religious markings. His eyes blazed with a dangerous fury. A crack crawled along the wall  as a result unknown to the bearer but not missed by the older Watcher. Nick pulled his hand out of the hole he created, completely unfazed, unhurt, and ignored the damage he caused. “What does it matter? I have no real life, no path of my own, no choices. I wake up, I train, we argue. Seven days a week, twenty four hours a day. Why would I care if I die? At least then I would be free!” He screamed at the closest thing to a father he’d ever known, turned, and ran off the his own room unable to deal with the situation any longer.

Demitrius gave a silent prayer as he watched him go. That boy was their last hope.

**************

Nick was more than tired of the stress filled life he was forced to live. Demitrius had raised him there in Florida for as long as he could remember. Earth had always been a simple planet, the origins of humans, and remained such long after technology and knowledge grew around them. It could have been a happy life to live there, if only Nick had been allowed to live it. Or so he felt. He knew when he was too little to remember, he was with his parents Jane and Robert Carter. That was before Zenok had come seeking the power spoken of throughout time and legends. Zenok was the Emperor of many planets, a power that grew each day. He was a man to be feared and to avoid. Soon many felt the universe would be within his grasp. He had been the one looking for him then, and even now. He had killed his parents, and siblings. He had once been a triplet, identical brothers. The Watchers had been forced to separate the three. Nick had been the only survivor. Alone.

Demitrius had been one of those watchers, and took him in. Growing up, Nick had been raised to train and was a born fighting machine. He loathed it however, all been forced on him and given no other options. He had a passion for art but it was rare for him to find a time to do it away from his guardian’s disapproving, critical eyes. He gazed out his window at the starry night and glimpsed a ship as it sailed through space. He loved flying, could do it if necessary. His skills were few however from lack of experience. Frustration ran through his senses as he suddenly grabbed his possessions, tossed them into a bag. He was fed up, done and was going to make his own decision for once in his short life. He played with the ring that rested upon the top of a desk. This had been the ring that marked his destiny. A bright stone that was bluer than any earthling sapphire, dazzled brightly with a light of it’s own. The ring was of a metal that shone like diamonds but had a strength to it, and bore ancient markings upon it from long ago. It was his curse, yet he couldn’t part with it. Not yet. So he wore it upon his finger, only for the moment, and finished his packing.

He opened his window as he gazed upon the ground below. A couple could be seen strolling within the moonlight. Companionship, another aspect of life stolen from him.

He had been forbidden any friends, friends had a danger. So he had been told, a danger of accidentally revealing too much, a chance that could get him killed. A lonely life Nick had lived, but no longer. He leapt from the window and down to the soft grasses below.

“Let someone else be your chosen one.” he whispered out to the darkness of the night. With that, Nick left, vanishing within the safety of the shadows.
« Last Edit: June 02, 2008, 01:56:22 AM by Rose »
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Double Rainbow Fiction - So Bright and So Vivid...


"Don't annoy the writer. They may put you in a book and kill you." —Anonymous

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Steph

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Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
« Reply #27 on: June 02, 2008, 02:58:53 AM »

That's a great un-cringing moment, Rose! I liked it! =)
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mare

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Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
« Reply #28 on: June 02, 2008, 06:24:14 AM »

You know after thinking about this challenge what would have made it even more fun is if you posted your cringe worthy scene and someone else changed it for you lol

As far as where to post them, I guess it makes the most sense to do it here although I can tell it's going to get old fast trying to go through this thread and scrolling down at the long scenes that are here. For scenes it doesn't make sense to post them up on AC though.

Maybe we can make a thread just for the actual scenes and leave this one open for thoughts on what you read in the other thread? I odn't know, just thinking out loud. lol

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RokofAges75

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Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
« Reply #29 on: June 02, 2008, 10:07:11 AM »

Great job, Rose!  Your new scene flows better, and the writing is a lot more mature - you can tell you're older and more experienced now. :)
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~Julie

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