Hopefully someone else will jump in here but since you want detailed feedback I have some definite feedback for you.
In order to get readers you initially have to think not about the story but about those first impressions. What do they see before clicking the link to read?
First you need to write your title as if it's a title, not a sentence. Capital letters.
Second... and this is a big one... a lot of people aren't going to click to read because
your picture is in the banner, and
you are the main character. That speaks volumes. It says I'm just living out my dream through fanfic I'm not writing this for your entertainment. (not that any of us truely write FOR others but it's nice to think that)
So some people go ahead and click and start to read, and it's kind of all over the place. You have multiple days and multiple settings happening in the same chapter. There are scenes that are worthy of devoting an entire chapter to but instead it's two paragraphs long and onto the next scene. Then there's the opposite, scenes that should be short end up rambling on with dialogue that doesn't move the plot for 3,000 words.
I would really avoid doing
**the next day** or
**at the store** (for example). You should be able to tell us when and where things take place without putting a headline before each paragraph.
You can breakup the chapter if you have scenes of different people that link up together, but you still wouldn't put
**at AJ's house** to let people that you'd switched locations.
Writing out full length song lyrics... you're assuming everyone knows the same songs as you. It's not the case. If someone writes out a whole song worth of lyrics that I don't know I'm not going to read them, they're getting skipped. So now you've just skipped past half the chapter because it was just lyrics.
On the plus side (yes there is a plus side) it's good to see you have the basic use of grammar down pat.
Spaces between dialogue and paragraphs and using quotations... there are a lot of writers out there and even on the site who think it's proper to write a big giant paragraph with no indication of who is speaking, so kudos.
