First Impressions

[RokofAges75]

Ahh girl , I want feedback from you aswell lol, I love your writing so I would REALLY appreciate a oppinion from you

Sure!  (And thanks!)

First off, your banner doesn't say much about what your story is going to be about, but it is nice eye candy.

I agree with Mare about your summary.  If you want some help in revising it, something like this might be better...

Nick and I are really close friends.  We have been since the first day we met.  People say we're perfect for each other; they don't believe us when we say we're just friends.  But we are... I think.  See, things have changed.  There's a new girl in the picture, and I'm worried she's going to come between us.  I wonder, can Nick remain my best friend when he has a girlfriend?  And, more importantly... is that really what I want?


I like how you wrote the summary from the her point of view, rather than saying, "Destiny and Nick are close friends, blah blah blah," the way most summaries are written.  It adds a bit of originality to it and makes it already easier to relate to your female lead.

Looking at your first chapter, I've got to agree with Mare again in saying that you could really benefit from a beta reader.  I know it has to be hard writing in a language that is not your native one (I'd be worthless at it LOL), and a beta reader could really help you polish up grammar and punctuation errors and any wording that doesn't sound quite right in English.  Finding a beta reader isn't easy, though, cause it can be a very time-consuming job.  But some people enjoy it, so if you're interested, put the offer out there... you never know!

One quick fix you could do to make it easier to read would be to add a space in between each paragraph.  Your dialogue looks squeezed all together, even though it technically is separate paragraphs.  When you can indent, that's not a problem, but without indenting, it looks like a huge block of text with no white space, and it makes it harder on the eyes to read.

Mare gave you some great feedback to go off of, but I hope that helps too!

[Rose]

As they say, don't dish it out if you can't take it, so I'll offer up one of "mine" for the slaughter too LOL.  Hopefully Rose and Dee won't mind, since it's a collab with them.  I'm not actively working on any of my own stories at the moment LOL, so that's why I'm not seeking critiques on them, although you're welcome to look at them if you want.

This is our newest story, "4.15.12," and because it's a different format and type of story than what I'm used to, I'm curious as to what the first impressions are.

http://accidentalchaos.net/viewstory.php?sid=9551

You know I was debating listing that one, but I didn't cause it's by all 3 of us lol, and I wanted to be sure you two would be okay with it lmao. I swear it's like you're adding rooms to the house you built to live in my brain.

[Carter-Orange]

Thanks for the advice, I'll take it onboard

[nicksz-wiifey]

Thankyou girls !
I actually changed alot of things now.
I used you're summary btw .
And also In my writing. I changed it all so it wouldn't look as squeezed in.

[kevmylove]

Hey this is really cool Mare!

*Bites nails* I’m always good taking criticism, but it’s also scary. So I’m putting out my baby, and my first attempt at action/suspense (I thought I would go out of my comfort zone). I would love to know what I could do to make it better.

Sinister Devotion- http://www.absolutechaos.net/viewstory.php?sid=9374&warning=4

I’ll also include my Howie one, since it’s also one of my favorites. *Cringe*

Drive Me Crazy- http://www.absolutechaos.net/viewstory.php?sid=8968

[RokofAges75]

Hey Erika!

Looking at Sinister Devotion, I can see why people rave about it.  The premise is interesting and unique, something different in the midst of all those Nick romances.

You've definitely created a strong voice for "Jack D.," and I like how you wrote it in present tense; it's different, but it works for first person stories like this one.

You said you would love to know what you could do to make it better, and my only critique is with the grammar.  Specifically, punctuation.  What I read of the story contains a lot of fragments and run-on sentences that interrupt the flow of the narration and make it seem a little awkward.  Obviously, a lot of people can look past that if you have an interesting story, which you do, but I'm kind of OCD about the grammar stuff and found it distracting.  It did take away from the story a little for me.

I think if you were to go back and clean up your use of commas and periods in the proper places, it would really improve the flow of your writing and make all readers be able to focus just on the actual story, not on the mechanics of the writing.


As an example, here's the beginning of Chapter 1, punctuated correctly:

I love the way she purrs.  Her body is so smooth, and when I‘m inside her, I feel like I’m floating on air.  Damn it!  Of course, I didn’t park her anywhere close, and if I’m not careful, someone could fucking spot me.  I’m putting away my equipment; my mission here is done.  Just as I’m finishing up, trying my best to get the hell up out of here before I get spotted, my phone rings.  Irritation courses through my veins.  Who the fuck calls me when I’m on a mission?

“Hello,” I state, letting whoever is on the line know that they are calling at the wrong fucking time.

“Hey, Skullz, I need you again.”  Oh, damn it!  It’s the boss, Don.  No one talks to him like that.


I hope that helps!  Like I said, it seems like a cool premise, and you've developed an engaging voice for storytelling.  If you could just polish up the phrasing of it, it could be even better!

[kevmylove]

Hey Erika!

Looking at Sinister Devotion, I can see why people rave about it.  The premise is interesting and unique, something different in the midst of all those Nick romances.

You've definitely created a strong voice for "Jack D.," and I like how you wrote it in present tense; it's different, but it works for first person stories like this one.

You said you would love to know what you could do to make it better, and my only critique is with the grammar.  Specifically, punctuation.  What I read of the story contains a lot of fragments and run-on sentences that interrupt the flow of the narration and make it seem a little awkward.  Obviously, a lot of people can look past that if you have an interesting story, which you do, but I'm kind of OCD about the grammar stuff and found it distracting.  It did take away from the story a little for me.

I think if you were to go back and clean up your use of commas and periods in the proper places, it would really improve the flow of your writing and make all readers be able to focus just on the actual story, not on the mechanics of the writing.


As an example, here's the beginning of Chapter 1, punctuated correctly:

I love the way she purrs.  Her body is so smooth, and when I‘m inside her, I feel like I’m floating on air.  Damn it!  Of course, I didn’t park her anywhere close, and if I’m not careful, someone could fucking spot me.  I’m putting away my equipment; my mission here is done.  Just as I’m finishing up, trying my best to get the hell up out of here before I get spotted, my phone rings.  Irritation courses through my veins.  Who the fuck calls me when I’m on a mission?

“Hello,” I state, letting whoever is on the line know that they are calling at the wrong fucking time.

“Hey, Skullz, I need you again.”  Oh, damn it!  It’s the boss, Don.  No one talks to him like that.


I hope that helps!  Like I said, it seems like a cool premise, and you've developed an engaging voice for storytelling.  If you could just polish up the phrasing of it, it could be even better!

  Yay thanks, I've put a lot of heart into this story!!!

About the fragments, run on sentences and punctation. Giiirl you are so right, my professor used to get on my butt about that. It just doesn't stick in my darn head. I am definately going to go back and polish it up. I want to thank you sooooo much for taking the time give me this feedback, it is really helpful and I will definately work on it and put it to use in this story and any others to come. Oh, thanks for the example too, that helps a lot! 

[RokofAges75]

No problem!

What I tell my students (and it doesn't always work either, but it's the only other way I can think to explain the "a sentence has to be a complete thought" idea) is to read their writing out loud, and every time they pause, that's a place they need punctuation.  If it's a longer pause between two complete ideas, that punctuation should either be a period, semi-colon, or a comma with a conjunction (and, or, but).  If it's just a short pause to separate two phrases that aren't complete thoughts on their own, it's just a comma that needs to go there.  To demonstrate, I always make a big deal out of reading their run-on sentences really fast, in one breath, without pausing, and they laugh, and I tell them, "Well, that's how you're telling me it should be read, without any punctuation."

Most of them just get so carried away with their IDEAS, they forget about punctuation and just write in one, endless string of thought LOL.  I think the same thing happens to some adult writers, too, and ya know... that's why they call it a first draft!  If the creativity's flowing, let it flow; you can always add punctuation in later when you go back to edit.  Just make sure you do so your creativity can be read! LOL

[fracktrain]

Switch-http://www.absolutechaos.net/viewstory.php?sid=9538

[Mariah]

hey guys, i just posted chapter 10 for The Truth About Lies: http://www.absolutechaos.net/viewstory.php?sid=8782

Would love some quick thoughts on the story.

[TheDistantHeart]

*mouth pops open* ah, this topic is exactly what I've been looking for!

Well, I've posted my first BSB story ever written here. However, I've been writing fanfics since I was about 15 I think. (I'm 17 now) But still, I feel like my BSB fanfic "Don't Wanna Lose You Now" quite looks like a typical beginner-fanfic lol. So, I would like to get some feedback and criticism. Mainly because English isn't my first language.

So, here is my fanfic: http://www.absolutechaos.net/viewstory.php?sid=9957

[Howies Girl]

Hey guys i have a new story out Shattered Hearts Reunited Souls http://absolutechaos.net/viewstory.php?sid=10
I guess all I want to know is if it's good or if i can improve the chapters i already have. I don't trust Microsoft word too much, because it is known to be very wrong sometimes. I only hope that my story is at least good enough or can be better.