So, I just realized that this topic was reserved for my collab... *is sheepish* But, when I read what you posted, Nijtje... I guess I just have to ask, what aspects didn't you like?
Could you ask a Dutch girl a more difficult question?
Well, you see, I don't mind sharing that with you, BUT I don't want to hurt someone's feelings, cause I know a story is SO important to its author(s)..
So, here goes nothing.. and please DON'T throw rocks at me..
I'll mostly take excerpts from the first chapter as an example.. And I apologize if I seem to be very harsh in my judgement, that's mostly because I have trouble expressing myself in English sometimes..
"George, Daddy," Baylee interrupted softly, reaching for the stuffed monkey at the foot of his hospital bed. As his father leaned forward to grasp it, he eyed Alana warily. "'Lana's got big boob--"
Remarks like this. I KNOW kids say the most embarrassing things, but I just can't see a three year old who's not feeling all that well say stuff like that. I mean, I'm not a child expert, but I have been around kids a lot, and my mom practically raised a girl whom she took care of when her parents were at work from the time she was six weeks to a 7 year old. But again, maybe some kids would do that, but I just cannot picture it.
"I've seen your uncles in that band, Baylee. I think I'd take them to a backseat…" Alana playfully continued, though the joke was for his father more so than the child.
She has just met Brian and already says stuff like this, in FRONT of a 3-year-old. Bad, bad nurse
I mean, it's not that I can't see that happen, I'm just.. well, disgusted isn't the right word.. not even close, but I can't come up with a better word. I'm like "Come ON! What are you (and by that I mean the nurse), 15 years old? Please stay professional..
. especially in front of the kid, even if he doesn't really know what you mean.."
But maybe that's just the psychologist inside of me talking..
Even Brian found himself gawking as she tossed her long locks into a high ponytail. "-She's stripping…" "Dude, you mind not standing beside me right now? Your hard on is sticking in my hip," Nick hissed, stepping aside.
______________ _____
"And get off me, dude. Your dick's poking me in the spine!"
"It is not!" Brian scoffed, though he blushed nonetheless as he slid from Nick's back, carefully observing the situation.
Now that sort of comments I just don't like to read about (neither in fanfiction or 'normal' fiction). So that has nothing to do with just your story, but every fic I read.. I mean, I KNOW it happens, I KNOW guys say these kind of things to each other, but I don't wanna read about it..
(Which is kinda weird by the way, cause in real life conversations, I'm definitely NOT a prude..
)
Again, I HOPE I didn't offend you two.. cause I do like the writing-style and the way Alana handles Baylee (like with the IV), it's just some aspects I don't like..
*ducks under a table to avoid all the rocks that are thrown at her*