Fic Talk > I Challenge You....
Engarde!!!! The Reading Duel challenge
mare:
LOL that was fast
The directions are on the first page. You want to comment in the thread and on the actual site. Feel free to comment all the stories Lore. If you are reading them they all deserve some concrit. Nothing wrong with that.
Purpura Lipstick:
Tooth Fairy by CarterKid
Pay attention to capitalization and punctuation and spelling. Though I know sometimes, when you write, you go so quickly that you miss them. I don't have a beta so my mistakes sometimes get posted too.
Also as a note, there are two spaces after a period. It makes the sentences easier to discern and flow a little easier.
Something I struggle with too, watch your tense. At one point you are speaking in past tense and then you switch to present tense and then back to past.
I would have loved to read a description of what the room he was taken into was like though there was not a lot a description in your story so to throw that in might be a bit strange.
Once he becomes the Tooth Fairy it really starts to jump a bit and there is less of a flow.
I am having a hard time reading it with it jumping from present to past tense.
I think if you were to expand the story more you would definitely have something.
As for your question: does it flow. I touched on it a couple of times, there are some trip ups with the spelling, grammar and punctuation that interrupt the flow. The change of the tenses tripped me up the most.
I think you could have taken the story of The Tooth Fairy (movie) and expanded on it with what you have, and then some.
mare:
--- Quote from: summer03 on July 19, 2011, 10:08:04 PM ---If not I can change my story if you want I have a few completed so Kristal can read one of her own. just suggesting I don't mind doing it.
--- End quote ---
Thanks for offering, but she's got a few to pick from. She just hasn't done it yet. :)
Rose:
Chapter One of Casual - First thoughts.
Okay, my first thoughts. So far, it's well written, structurally speaking. I feel like there's a lot of telling, not a lot of showing. The blog entry, while more personal in the scene, isn't that necessary. It gets kind of reiterated in the scene below it, and made my eyes start to skim through it.
I like the theme, it's sort of Friends With Benefits, but without the actual friendship lol.
TheDistantHeart:
Love This Pain! Woop! I'll start reading tonight (it's morning here so you can expect a review of the first chapter in like 12 hours lol).
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