Fic Talk > I Challenge You....
Let the 2013 Summer Reading Challenge begin!
mare:
Hey Cinzia, don't forget to fill out the reader's survey for Julie on your story when you have the chance! Thanks!
mare:
--- Quote from: Alexsgirl_ritz on June 19, 2013, 10:29:45 PM ---My vacation is almost over, we will be back in Dubai on Sunday. I probably start with my reading challenge on Monday. I apologize for being late. I just wanted to spend the whole month with my kids, so I rarely go online.
--- End quote ---
No problem, Ritz! Glad you had the chance to spend time with the kids! Sadly, you aren't the only one who hasn't started anything yet lol
usako:
1) When you found out this person was reading your story what were your initial thoughts?
I was kind of nervous because Julie is one of my favorite author. So, yes, I wasreally nervous! lol
2) Did your reader leave you an adequate amount of feedback and was it helpful to you?
Well, it was an one shot so yes, she did. It was really helpful, especially since she pointed out what are my weakes points. And I couldn't believe when I read the positive comment about my writing, since I'm still at the beginning and sometimes I still find some difficulties in translating and conveying words and ideas in English.
3) Did you find yourself going back to read your story as a result of the feedback?
Yes, I did. I don't usually read my stories, especially the English one because I tend to find lots of things that need to be rewrite or changed. I might go back and read it again for a possible future sequel or prequel. :)
4) Do you have any questions for the person reading your story?
If she has any advice to improve my English. :)
5) Overall did you find the experience a good one or a bad one?
Definetely a good one. :)
RokofAges75:
--- Quote from: usako on June 20, 2013, 06:26:27 AM ---4) Do you have any questions for the person reading your story?
If she has any advice to improve my English. :)
--- End quote ---
Thanks, Cinzia! I think your English is fabulous! That said, my only advice for your writing would be to watch the length of your sentences. You don't have run-on sentences, which is means they're all properly punctuated and not technically wrong, but most of the parts that sounded awkward to me when I read them were in the longer sentences. It can be hard to pack all the description you want into one sentence. I tend to be wordy too, so this is something I've struggled with myself!
For example, here's your first paragraph:
He was sitting on the windowsill, his right knee leaned on the cold surface and a steaming cup of coffee warmed the fingers wrapped tightly around the ceramic. Outside that room of a hotel, the rain was starting to get ready for its melody as lightning made the grey shade of the sky darker and darker. He shivered at every thunder, the faint veil of fear that was slowly creeping upon him and his nerves.
I love the sense of atmosphere you build by describing Brian sitting at the window, watching the storm. It's very descriptive, but in some parts the description gets a little muddled. If I were beta-reading this, I would suggest revising it to sound more like this:
He was sitting on the windowsill, his right knee leaning on the cold surface, his hands wrapped around a steaming cup of coffee. Outside his hotel room, a light rain had begun to fall. He watched the gray sky as it grew darker and darker, illuminated only by the occasional flash of lightning. He shivered at every clap of thunder, unnerved by the faint veil of fear that hung over him.
It's the same scene with the same imagery, but I broke it up into four sentences instead of three and took out a couple of phrases that I couldn't get to flow. This obviously isn't the only way you could revise it; it's just my take on it.
I think the "art" of writing is in choosing the right words and arranging them in the right way. It's not easy to do, but it has to be especially hard trying to do it in a second language because you may not always be sure what sounds right. You're doing a great job at it, and I hope this advice will help you do it even better.
Sorry for the long response!
usako:
--- Quote from: RokofAges75 on June 20, 2013, 11:56:19 AM ---Thanks, Cinzia! I think your English is fabulous! That said, my only advice for your writing would be to watch the length of your sentences. You don't have run-on sentences, which is means they're all properly punctuated and not technically wrong, but most of the parts that sounded awkward to me when I read them were in the longer sentences. It can be hard to pack all the description you want into one sentence. I tend to be wordy too, so this is something I've struggled with myself!
For example, here's your first paragraph:
He was sitting on the windowsill, his right knee leaned on the cold surface and a steaming cup of coffee warmed the fingers wrapped tightly around the ceramic. Outside that room of a hotel, the rain was starting to get ready for its melody as lightning made the grey shade of the sky darker and darker. He shivered at every thunder, the faint veil of fear that was slowly creeping upon him and his nerves.
I love the sense of atmosphere you build by describing Brian sitting at the window, watching the storm. It's very descriptive, but in some parts the description gets a little muddled. If I were beta-reading this, I would suggest revising it to sound more like this:
He was sitting on the windowsill, his right knee leaning on the cold surface, his hands wrapped around a steaming cup of coffee. Outside his hotel room, a light rain had begun to fall. He watched the gray sky as it grew darker and darker, illuminated only by the occasional flash of lightning. He shivered at every clap of thunder, unnerved by the faint veil of fear that hung over him.
It's the same scene with the same imagery, but I broke it up into four sentences instead of three and took out a couple of phrases that I couldn't get to flow. This obviously isn't the only way you could revise it; it's just my take on it.
I think the "art" of writing is in choosing the right words and arranging them in the right way. It's not easy to do, but it has to be especially hard trying to do it in a second language because you may not always be sure what sounds right. You're doing a great job at it, and I hope this advice will help you do it even better.
Sorry for the long response!
--- End quote ---
Thank you so much for your advice! It will surely help me to do better. :)
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