I was also bullied growing up, but there was a time that I unfortunately became the bully as well. I was teased for the color of my skin, being fat and a tomboy growing up. Then I had that stupid thought, "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" and bullied these two kids for a while, but right after, I felt horrible and started talking to them and would stick up for those who were bullied.
I guess I find myself relating more to AJ, and slightly Brian. I always found myself relating to AJ because, although I wasn't the only child growing up, I dealt with the fact of being the oddball, not really knowing where or how to fit in, vying for attention. Growing up, I suffered from the "middle child syndrome", feeling alone and isolated and misunderstood; it was almost as if I felt like I was an only child, but I would vie for my parents' attention. To me, my siblings got most of the attention because my sister was the oldest and would be the first for everything (graduate, marry, etc.), then my second youngest brother has ADHD, so of course he required the attention, and then my youngest brother would need attention by default because he was the baby. Then you just had me, the second oldest, that felt like I was just there.
I too was in to performing arts in elementary, figured it was a way for me to receive attention and a way for me to stand out and apart from my siblings. I remember fondly of a time when my sister was performing in a talent show the same day I had to give a school presentation; I was nervous and excited for my presentation and tried so hard to get my mom to recognize what I had to do that day, but her attention was on my sister and her upcoming performance and how proud she was of her. Needless to say, that was one of the many days that scarred my little heart, lmao.
But, just like AJ, I grew up with this need to stand out and apart, and garner attention all my own. I had that rebellious stage in my life where I'd constantly wear bandanas to school (fuck that it was contraband, lol), I'd wear things that you wouldn't find females wearing, I'd drench myself in accessories and chains and just have this... painstaking style that no one walked around with, but I stood out. Of course, looking back, I was like "ugh, what were you thinking?!" Lmao. Then, around high school, I decided I wanted to get tattoos and piercings to help personify that I was this badass that people wouldn't want to mess with. Next thing you know, I've got six tattoos, a pierced lip, a pierced tongue, etc. Knowing that my mom wasn't for me getting it was what helped drive me to do it, lol.
The whole Brian part comes with my faith. Just like how we talked about how Brian is strong with his faith, but he's also very human is exactly how I am, lol. I go to church, do church things, but I swear like a freaking sailor and I preach about God with my tattoos and piercings; a place that tells you to treat your body like a temple, lol. I remember being at church one night, and this lady saying that I was a bad person because of all my tattoos and piercings. I mean sure, back then I did it to be purely a rebel and put on this front, but it didn't define who I really was. Going back to AJ, I'm a complete pushover as well, lmao!! I don't know what is with the need of some nice people to front that they're a bad boy/bad girl; guess that when we're so nice and get constantly taken advantage of, we create ourselves to be this person you don't want to mess with initially because we don't have the strength or the heart to actually push people away. We're completely fine letting people walk all over us, use us, take our kindness and walk away... all to ensure happiness of others. Being that I felt isolated and alone, I loved the attention I'd get by ensuring the happiness of others, even if it left me unhappy. Case in point, back in elementary, I'd ask my mom to let me take snacks to school because that was the only time my classmates would talk to me, LMAO!! Sharing my snacks with them during recess gave me attention from them and made me feel popular, only if briefly, lmao!!!
To this day, I still try to put on this front of being someone that I'm truly not deep down; guess I still need or want this hard exterior to protect the soft interior, lol. I'm non-confrontational as well, being a Libra you seek out to make things right or balanced or just, but I'm a verbal fighter, and I'd always speak out for others, never really myself for the sake of not wanting to hurt people's feelings or avoid confrontation. But as of lately, I've been finding and realizing that it's okay to speak up for yourself and I've been doing that, feeling very feisty, lmao! I'm beginning to let people know that they should NEVER take my kindness for my weakness, because push me far enough, and I will bite, lol.
Sorry for my novel and still on our other questions from posts before; I go to reply and next thing you know, there are 14 new replies! LMAO!!!
