Absolute Chaos Discussion Boards

Fic Talk => I Challenge You.... => Topic started by: mare on June 01, 2008, 04:53:52 AM

Title: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: mare on June 01, 2008, 04:53:52 AM
The cringe worthy challenge

~ You must take one of your most cringe worthy scenes or chapters (If you write really long chapters try to keep it to a few scenes. We'll get the idea.) and rewrite it so it's less cringe worthy. Then post them both for us to read and don't tell us which is which. We'll have to guess!  :P  Just kidding about that part! lmao Even though that could be fun, we don't want anyone crawling under a desk in a fetal position. This one would make a good game though. Maybe we can vote at the end who did the best job at decringatizing their work. I love inventing words! YAY me!!!

As always keep the random blabbering and off topic stuff out of here and i'll post the stories right in this first post as I get them.

 ;D Happy rewriting!





Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: MellzBellz on June 01, 2008, 08:39:17 AM
Of course I'm the one with questions lol I have two of them:

1) Are we allowed to change a characters name in the uncringe worthy version? Because let's just say you chose to rewrite something from say when you were 16 or 17 and going through that teeny phase and one of the reasons its so cringe worthy is that you named the main character after yourself...  :-[

2) I assume in the updated version you're free to completely change the outcome of the scene, right?
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: mare on June 01, 2008, 09:20:00 AM
Yes to both of those questions. Oh and another rule of mine

NO BANNERS! lol
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: MellzBellz on June 01, 2008, 09:57:35 AM
Ok thanks Mare! LOL and I promise I won't make your head explode by putting up a banner LOL
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: Sakabelle on June 01, 2008, 08:23:35 PM
Yay! I'm excited, this one is going to be fun :D
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: RokofAges75 on June 01, 2008, 08:38:24 PM
I think it could be lots of fun too!  Now the question comes... which scene to choose?  There are so many... SO many...
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: MellzBellz on June 01, 2008, 09:43:24 PM
I think it could be lots of fun too!  Now the question comes... which scene to choose?  There are so many... SO many...

Yea... That's my problem too lol I mean some of my old stuff was just so awesomely cringe worthy because it was such like soap opera drama situations. I think I figured out what I'm going to do. It's a scene from an older fic of mine that really had no plot just i figured if i threw in a pregnancy, an abortion, a runaway wedding, a stalker, a rape, and a murder it would make for a good story lol. Yea.. It didn't lol. So I think I may take one of those issues and I can rewrite a scene so it could feasibly stand almost as a stand alone short.
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: RokofAges75 on June 01, 2008, 10:47:23 PM
I just finished my entry for this!  LOL  How should I post it, I wonder?  Should I put it on AC or just paste it into this thread?
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: honey on June 01, 2008, 10:54:35 PM
lol June 1st not even over yet! Someone's on the ball! I was wondering the same thing. It might be easier for this one to post it in this thread don't you think? And post the pic challenge on the site?
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: RokofAges75 on June 01, 2008, 10:55:39 PM
I figured out which of my many cringe-worthy chapters to tackle, and then I got inspired!  Go me! ;D

Okay, I'll just post it here for now.  If the mods want me to move it to AC later, just say the word.  Neither part is all that long though.
Title: Don't Wanna Lose You Now
Post by: RokofAges75 on June 01, 2008, 11:08:07 PM
Okay, to preface, this is the original epilogue to my story "Don't Wanna Lose You Now," which was my second "published" fanfic.  (Actually, it was my fourth, but the first three stories were a trilogy, so I tend to think of them all as one story... this was my first story separate from that.)  I wrote it in 2000, right around the time I turned 15.  It was my first "cancer story," and I would like to think that writing Broken was a way of counter-acting its awfulness.  LOL

Anyway, to summarize, Brian has leukemia or Hodgkin's or something (I don't even remember LOL) and needs a bone marrow transplant, and he gets one from his mom, but he rejects it and needs another, and NICK just happens to be a perfect match for him, so Nick donates his bone marrow to save Brian's life.  So that's all good and cheesy and horribly unrealistic and teeny, right?  But that's not all!  Because I'm me, and because I wasn't really that big of a Nick fan back then, I had Nick die of complications from the operation to harvest his bone marrow (bad reaction to the anesthesia or something).  I devoted about two sentences of story to a mention of his funeral.  And if that wasn't bad enough, here's how I ended the whole story. 

This is the original epilogue, in its entirety:


Epilogue

Brian and Leighanne got married on August 14, 2001. They took a long honeymoon in Europe.

The Backstreet Boys decided to take a long break. They didn't know what they were going to do. They didn't want to go on without Nick, but they didn't just want to quit either.

The next year, they released one more album, dedicated to Nick. After that, they went their separate ways. AJ became a solo artist, and went by the name of Johnny No-name. Kevin became a music producer. Howie became the owner of a record company. Brian went to college and got a teaching degree. He became a P.E. teacher. He and Leighanne had two children, Brianne and Nick. He lived a wonderful life with his family, and his cancer never returned.

Eventually, he got over Nick's death.  Nick had died, but Brian knew that he and Nick would be reunited one day in Heaven. Then Frick and Frack would be together again.

The End



Yep!  That's it!  :D

Out of all my cringe-worthy parts, that one has always stood out to me because it represents everything that was awful about my early fanfic writing:  too simplistic, lacking of detail and emotional depth, unrealistic, and CHEESY AS HELL!!!  :P
Title: Don't Wanna Lose You Now - Rewritten
Post by: RokofAges75 on June 01, 2008, 11:09:52 PM
And now, here is the rewritten version of that Epilogue, with more depth and hopefully less cheese, although the story content is basically the same.


Epilogue

The Georgia sun was high in the sky on that May afternoon, and for the crowd of people sitting in the gleaming metal bleachers, without covering, there was no respite from its heat.  Brian could feel its unrelenting rays scorching the bald patch at the crown of his head and wished he had thought to wear a cap.  On second thought, he could practically hear Leighanne scolding him for the mere idea.  “A baseball cap?  To a graduation?  Brian Littrell, you have more class than that.”

Smiling to himself, he glanced over at his wife of twenty-seven years.  She was classy as always, dressed in a summer sundress that flattered her voluptuous figure.  Her hair, dyed blonde to hide the impending gray, was pulled back off her tanned face, though her eyes were hidden behind her sunglasses.  A shame, he thought; Leighanne had beautiful, blue eyes.  Lines of age had crinkled their corners, but they still sparkled in the sunlight, perhaps with a few tears at their corners as she watched her youngest child sitting out on the football field below in his cap and gown.

He’d be going off to college to study history in the fall, leaving the Littrell nest empty for the first time since the birth of their daughter, Baylee, twenty years ago.  It seemed only yesterday that Baylee had been the graduate, and they’d faced the upheaval of their oldest leaving home for the first time.  Now it was their youngest, their baby, and squinting down at the broad-shouldered, black-robed figure he knew to be his son made Brian feel very old.

He had turned fifty-three that year – not ancient, by any means, but sometimes he felt that way.  It wasn’t his body that felt old – he was still in good health, and he tried to stay in shape.  No, it was his soul.  He had seen and done so much in his five decades that his time on Earth seemed much longer.  In fact, some of his experiences seemed as if they were from another lifetime.  No one around this town knew him as Brian Littrell, the Backstreet Boy anymore.  He was only Mr. Littrell, the P.E. teacher, or Coach Littrell, to his players on the varsity girls basketball team.

Those who did remember him as the world-famous pop star he’d once been wondered why in the world Brian Littrell had turned his back on stardom and success in the music business and settled down in this podunk Georgia town to raise a family, coach high-school basketball, and teach gym.  But to those who knew him best, it made perfect sense.

Brian Littrell had not been born a star.  He’d been born a humble Southern boy, who lived to sing almost as much as he lived to serve God, and whose earliest ambition had been to do exactly what he was doing now.  In his youth, he’d been called to become a youth minister, then diverted to become a Backstreet Boy, but serious illness and his own brush with death, as well as the death of his best friend, had changed his life’s course once more.

The Backstreet Boys just hadn’t been the same without their youngest member, and for a long time after his death, their career had hung in limbo, while each of them pondered what their next move should be.  They had considered quitting altogether; after all, there was no BSB without Nick.  But instead, they recorded one more album, released a year after Nick’s passing, as an homage to him.  That final album felt like an appropriate epilogue to the unforgettable career they’d shared.  For almost a decade, they’d sang together, but they could stand it no longer, at least in the professional sense.  The magic was gone; every time they walked out on stage, just the four of them, there was only pain, an empty void where Nick should have stood.

Though their friendship had continued, the remaining four had disbanded and gone their separate ways, personally and professionally .  AJ, Howie, and Kevin had stayed in the music business, AJ enjoying a mildly successful solo endeavor, while Howie and Kevin chose to work behind the scenes, producing and managing their own record labels.

But not Brian.  With the second chance at life Nick has given him, he had married Leighanne, bought a house in her home state of Georgia, and gone to college.  He’d graduated with a degree in education and landed a job that was a far cry from his former one, but still combined two of his other loves:  sports and children.  Singing became a hobby, as teaching and coaching became his life.

And it was a good life.  Looking down on his son, the second of his children to graduate from the school where he had taught for two decades, Brian decided he had made the best out of his second chance.  He was no longer performing to thousands and making millions, but he had provided a comfortable life for the family he had raised, and he wouldn’t trade that for anything.  It wasn’t the life Nick would have chosen, but somehow, Brian knew he would approve.

Taking his eyes off his son, Brian looked upwards, toward the cumulus clouds spread across the cerulean sky.  Throughout his battle with cancer, his faith had stayed intact, but Nick’s death had rattled it.  For a time, Brian had struggled with the unfairness and cruelty of the tragedy that had befallen his best friend.  Even now, he didn’t have an answer as to his God had taken his best friend’s life in order to save his own.  But in time, he had made his peace with the Lord.  He still believed in Heaven, and he believed he would one day find Nick there, beyond the clouds or wherever Heaven existed, and thank him for the ultimate gift Nick had given him.

It was thanks to Nick that he was sitting here, enjoying the presence of his wife and daughter, feeling the sun on his skin as he watched his son stand and walk towards the podium.

“Nickolas Carter Littrell.”

As his name was announced, Nick’s namesake crossed the field to receive his diploma, while his beaming father looked on.


The End
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: Steph on June 02, 2008, 12:22:16 AM
I think it could be lots of fun too!  Now the question comes... which scene to choose?  There are so many... SO many...
Maybe instead of Brian getting a pole through his chest after a bus accident... it could be through his head like Paris in House of Wax!!!!

:D
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: RokofAges75 on June 02, 2008, 12:23:43 AM
Maybe instead of Brian getting a pole through his chest after a bus accident... it could be through his head like Paris in House of Wax!!!!

:D

LMAO!

Hey, that's the one part of that story I still like - don't ruin it for me! :D ;)
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: Steph on June 02, 2008, 12:30:27 AM
LMAO!

Hey, that's the one part of that story I still like - don't ruin it for me! :D ;)

I do as well, as I did not know poles through chests were physically possible in accidents until then. ;)
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: Steph on June 02, 2008, 12:34:57 AM
After reading your revamp of the cheesy story, I almost felt bad for picking on you.
But then, I changed my mind. =)
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: RokofAges75 on June 02, 2008, 12:44:03 AM
I do as well, as I did not know poles through chests were physically possible in accidents until then. ;)

LOL the things you learn...

Actually, there was a bridge construction accident near where I live the year I wrote that story, and that happened to the dad of a kid who went to my school.  He lived, but yeah, he got impaled with a pole of some sort!  So there was my inspiration LOL. :P
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: RokofAges75 on June 02, 2008, 12:44:55 AM
After reading your revamp of the cheesy story, I almost felt bad for picking on you.
But then, I changed my mind. =)

LOL... thanks?  :P ;D
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: Steph on June 02, 2008, 12:45:54 AM
LOL, in other words, it was a good revamp. :P
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: RokofAges75 on June 02, 2008, 12:49:38 AM
Thanks! :)
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: luna610 on June 02, 2008, 12:51:14 AM
Julie, that's an awesome rewrite! The story sounds familiar but I want to read it now...Great job!
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: RokofAges75 on June 02, 2008, 12:53:11 AM
Thanks!  LOL trust me, you really don't wanna read the original story!  It's sooo bad! :P
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: Sakabelle on June 02, 2008, 12:56:39 AM
Great job Julie!  Adding all that description really helped set the tone for the end of the story and what had happened. 
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: Steph on June 02, 2008, 01:14:55 AM
Man, the only cringe-worthy story I really have on hand still is buried somewhere in my totes... and I am scared to read it again, it was sooooooooo horrible.
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: Rose on June 02, 2008, 01:20:39 AM
Most of my cringe worthy stuff has been lost between an old comp crashing, and ff.net being dumb lol.

But, the first eight chapters of DOR were written during 2002/2003. Back when I was 16, me and Steph (bluecloud then) used Divisions of Reality as a side project, hence why 5 years later it's still going (even if by me alone lol) and not finished. The first few chapters of that fic I wrote definitely make me cringe. But hey I was 16 lol. So I'm rewriting a chunk of the first chapter for the story. I've been debating rewriting the first half anyway, but I figure I'll do it after I actually finish the story lol.
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: Rose on June 02, 2008, 01:44:21 AM
Okay, here, sadly is the original lol. I was just barely sixteen here people. *hides*

Chapter One: Not For Me…

Year: 3988

He watches on as the three flaxen-haired five year olds play happily together in the sunlight. Who could believe that they are the ones who are capable of causing so much chaos and destruction to everything in existence? The kind man smiles faintly, they look so happy together. It’s a shame they have to separate the three siblings. But he and the other watchers of the Holy Rintistian Faith have no choice. If the story is true, the three children cannot remain together…

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Ten Years Later…

“But every thousand years there is also hope against the evil. In the darkest of nights…”

“There will be light, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Okay, I get it already! Are we done now?”

“Nickolas-”

“Can you ever just call me Nick?” Nick cries, pushing his shaggy light blonde hair out of his face. He’s only heard this infamous religious tale everyday of his life, and to him it got more boring every time. He steps up to the older man angrily. His young childlike face meeting the man’s older, stern one. Nick’s face looks to only be one of a twelve year old, but his 5’9” frame shows his age is actually fifteen.

“We’ve gone over this a bazillion times Demitrius. I know I’m the last one of the sacred triplets still alive. I know the other two rings are lost so mine is deathly valuable! I know I must prepare! I only train every second of every damn day!”

His long time mentor, Demitrius, sighs as he pushes Nick aside slightly. His wrinkled face is worn from his constant troubles. His dark hazel eyes are swirling with worry. His graying brown hair is a sign that his youth is long gone.

“I know my son, but-”

“I’m not your gods damn son!”

“Watch it, Nickolas Gene Carter with your swearing against the gods and goddesses! As for family, well, I’m all the family you have left so-“

“So nothing! I have no GODS DAMN family Demitrius! My parents are dead! My triplet brothers who I never even got a chance to know are dead! I am the last of the Carter Family!” he yells, his sapphire eyes dark and stony with anger.

“Yes, but you must prepare so you do not end up like them.”

“Why not? My life is worthless anyway! What do I have to live for? There is no pleasure in my life, so what is the point? I train twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week! That is my life! So why am I never allowed to relax? You know, here I am living on earth, one of the most fun and entertaining planets in the Milky Way Galaxy, but do I ever get to have fun? NO!” he shouts, his rage growing rapidly to reach dangerous levels. Nick slams his fist into a nearby wall and easily going through it and causing a large hole. He pulls his arm out, ignoring the pain as numerous hazardous cracks begin to quickly creep up along the walls as the end result. “So leave me be!” he screams and storms off to his room.

Nick is tired of the stress filled life he must always deal with. Demitrius has raised him here in Florida for as long as he can remember. He knows though for awhile he was with his parents Jane and Robert Carter, before the evil came and The Watchers were forced to separate him from his siblings. He was told that he was the only one who is still alive and who’s hiding place is unknown. Nick has been raised to train and is a born fighting machine. He hates it however, he loves drawing and tries to do it often but Demitrius often discourages it. He looks out his window at the starry night and sees a ship sail through space. He loves flying, and can do it if necessary, but isn’t very good at it because that is yet another thing he isn’t allowed to do. He watches two young teens laugh and giggle as they stroll down the sidewalk and sighs. He longs for a companion. Because of his so-called sacred duty, Demitrius will not let him have friends outside his trainers. Also, his birthday is in a couple weeks, and he knows he doesn’t want to spend it here. His birthday is on December 31, but Demitrius considers that a bad omen, so his birthday is never celebrated. This year, he wants to have fun and he knows he can’t do that here.

“All I want is to be normal and to have some friends, is that really to much to ask for?” he asks himself softly.


“No,” he tells himself, “It’s not.”

Nicks flops onto his red and black bed, and grabs a nearby duffel bag. “That’s it, I’m outta here. I’m gonna live my life on my own, and I’m gonna live it my way.” he grumbles.

He walks over to his closet and several shelves automatically pop out. Nick grabs his guns, expertly strapping them to his arms and legs and hiding them beneath his clothes quickly. He then throws in random clothes hurriedly. He’s about to leave when he suddenly rushes back to get what he valued most, his drawing pad. He sighs with relief knowing he had almost forgotten it. It falls open to a clearly detailed drawing of a young girl on a foreign planet, standing happily next to her spaceship. You cannot see her face though, for she still has her helmet on with her long hair sticking out in tuffs out of her helmet in the back. Nick smiles as he closes the sketchbook, putting it in the bag, and sealing it up securely. He slowly slips his muscular, trim frame through the window and jumps to the ground.

“If you can’t let me be me, then I’d like to see you do your stupid mission without me.” he whispers as he goes out into the dark night.
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: Rose on June 02, 2008, 01:46:50 AM
Rewritten version...whic h REALLY makes me want to rewrite the first group of chapters now lol.

Chapter One: Not For Me

Year: 3988
Time left: Eleven Years, four months, two weeks, five days, eleven hours, and twenty minutes

Three flaxen haired children were in the older man’s line of vision. The sun shone warmly upon them, its rays making the tops of their heads sparkle with light as if covered with faerie dust. The little ones were only just beyond the toddler stage, triplets five years of age. Three pairs of matching cerulean eyes were wide with innocence as they chased each other filled with giggles with a light only children could create. Two boys and a girl, all gifted in ways even a proud mother never pictured. There was a bond, evident even at that young age that connected the three tightly, made them sensitive to each other’s needs and emotions.

He was about to take that away from them. He was the one sent to separate the three. How could he tear them away from each other after they had already lost their parents? They would be too young to remember this later on, but the Watcher sensed they would feel the void, the loss, the longing that would be inevitably left behind once he did his duty. It was tragic truly. The kind being smiled faintly. They were the ones however, that much was true as told by the Rinistian faith’s prophecy from centuries, millennias even,  before any of them existed. A faith he was a protector of, called a Watcher. Who could believe that these three were the ones capable of saving or damning everything, everyone, in existence?

But for the safety of the triplets, of all things living, dead, spiritual, demonic, they could not remain together…

**********

Year: 3998
Time Left: One year, three weeks, five days, seven hours, fifteen minutes

“Every thousand years…”


“There is a being after the power gained within the crumbling of the walls, with every thousand years there is also the light born to fight, in the darkness there shall be light… I get it already Demitrius! On the gods you make me recite this every damn day don’t you think by all the freaking goddesses, I know it by now? Damn!”

“Nickolas!”

“You’d think you’d know I wanted to be called Nick too!” There were two within the training room. A room with a dark decorum, candles were lit along with incense, sacred markings had been carved within the walls by Rinistian Watchers who had been trained there before their time, upon the floor was the holy altar markings for which spells, meditation were practiced. It was a room the two knew well. One was an older man with raven locks peppered with gray, gentle hazel eyes with wrinkles that had come with time, trials, age, along his face. The other was a sharp contrast to him. That was Nick, a fifteen year old with shaggy golden hair, impish blue eyes that currently blazed with a spirit only a teenager could hold, a lean yet lithe frame tightly muscled from years of training and at the height of six feet.

Demitrius ran a tired hand through his still thick locks, he ruefully thought that even if he was graying, it was nice to still have a full head of hair. A shallow thought for a Watcher, but he wasn’t like most of his faith. He released a sigh, and watched his young, tiresome, charge.  Now, he would try to explain yet again why the story, as well as fate, and the teenager’s destiny were so vital. Nick was so important, yet he didn’t seem to care at all.

“My son, I know this but-”

“I’m NOT your gods damn son!” Even after having heard this for so many years when the younger one had been angry, the words still stung as if they were uttered for the first time.

“Nickolas Carter watch your tongue! Swearing by the gods or goddesses is-”

“Does it look like I care!? You are still not my father!”

Finally, even a calm man of the faith could be goaded into agitation beyond his control. “I’m the only family you’ve got!”

“I don’t care! My parents are dead! My triplet brothers are dead! All dead because of one damn prophecy that seems to control my life!”

“You must prepare so you do not have the same fate!”

A fist slams into one of the walls, in the center of one of the many religious markings. His eyes blazed with a dangerous fury. A crack crawled along the wall  as a result unknown to the bearer but not missed by the older Watcher. Nick pulled his hand out of the hole he created, completely unfazed, unhurt, and ignored the damage he caused. “What does it matter? I have no real life, no path of my own, no choices. I wake up, I train, we argue. Seven days a week, twenty four hours a day. Why would I care if I die? At least then I would be free!” He screamed at the closest thing to a father he’d ever known, turned, and ran off the his own room unable to deal with the situation any longer.

Demitrius gave a silent prayer as he watched him go. That boy was their last hope.

**************

Nick was more than tired of the stress filled life he was forced to live. Demitrius had raised him there in Florida for as long as he could remember. Earth had always been a simple planet, the origins of humans, and remained such long after technology and knowledge grew around them. It could have been a happy life to live there, if only Nick had been allowed to live it. Or so he felt. He knew when he was too little to remember, he was with his parents Jane and Robert Carter. That was before Zenok had come seeking the power spoken of throughout time and legends. Zenok was the Emperor of many planets, a power that grew each day. He was a man to be feared and to avoid. Soon many felt the universe would be within his grasp. He had been the one looking for him then, and even now. He had killed his parents, and siblings. He had once been a triplet, identical brothers. The Watchers had been forced to separate the three. Nick had been the only survivor. Alone.

Demitrius had been one of those watchers, and took him in. Growing up, Nick had been raised to train and was a born fighting machine. He loathed it however, all been forced on him and given no other options. He had a passion for art but it was rare for him to find a time to do it away from his guardian’s disapproving, critical eyes. He gazed out his window at the starry night and glimpsed a ship as it sailed through space. He loved flying, could do it if necessary. His skills were few however from lack of experience. Frustration ran through his senses as he suddenly grabbed his possessions, tossed them into a bag. He was fed up, done and was going to make his own decision for once in his short life. He played with the ring that rested upon the top of a desk. This had been the ring that marked his destiny. A bright stone that was bluer than any earthling sapphire, dazzled brightly with a light of it’s own. The ring was of a metal that shone like diamonds but had a strength to it, and bore ancient markings upon it from long ago. It was his curse, yet he couldn’t part with it. Not yet. So he wore it upon his finger, only for the moment, and finished his packing.

He opened his window as he gazed upon the ground below. A couple could be seen strolling within the moonlight. Companionship, another aspect of life stolen from him.

He had been forbidden any friends, friends had a danger. So he had been told, a danger of accidentally revealing too much, a chance that could get him killed. A lonely life Nick had lived, but no longer. He leapt from the window and down to the soft grasses below.

“Let someone else be your chosen one.” he whispered out to the darkness of the night. With that, Nick left, vanishing within the safety of the shadows.
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: Steph on June 02, 2008, 02:58:53 AM
That's a great un-cringing moment, Rose! I liked it! =)
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: mare on June 02, 2008, 06:24:14 AM
You know after thinking about this challenge what would have made it even more fun is if you posted your cringe worthy scene and someone else changed it for you lol

As far as where to post them, I guess it makes the most sense to do it here although I can tell it's going to get old fast trying to go through this thread and scrolling down at the long scenes that are here. For scenes it doesn't make sense to post them up on AC though.

Maybe we can make a thread just for the actual scenes and leave this one open for thoughts on what you read in the other thread? I odn't know, just thinking out loud. lol

Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: RokofAges75 on June 02, 2008, 10:07:11 AM
Great job, Rose!  Your new scene flows better, and the writing is a lot more mature - you can tell you're older and more experienced now. :)
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: RokofAges75 on June 02, 2008, 10:09:13 AM
You know after thinking about this challenge what would have made it even more fun is if you posted your cringe worthy scene and someone else changed it for you lol

As far as where to post them, I guess it makes the most sense to do it here although I can tell it's going to get old fast trying to go through this thread and scrolling down at the long scenes that are here. For scenes it doesn't make sense to post them up on AC though.

Maybe we can make a thread just for the actual scenes and leave this one open for thoughts on what you read in the other thread? I odn't know, just thinking out loud. lol



Another thread could work, or what if one of us started a new "story" on AC for this challenge and made it an open story, so everyone else could add on to it?  Two chapters per person, the cringe-worthy one and the rewrite.
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: RokofAges75 on June 02, 2008, 10:11:37 AM
You know after thinking about this challenge what would have made it even more fun is if you posted your cringe worthy scene and someone else changed it for you lol

That would be fun to do sometime.  I think it would have been really hard with this because we may not have read each other's cringe-worthy stories... it's hard to rewrite a part for someone if you don't know the whole back story, cringe-worthy as it may be.  Also, I like the way we're doing it because it shows how much we've grown as writers.

But the idea of writing/rewriting a part for someone would be fun to do for another challenge!
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: mare on June 02, 2008, 10:45:37 AM
Oh I think that's a good idea Julie. I'll start a story called *Cringes* lol and you guys can add your chapters onto their. That was maybe you'll get feedback from more people than just the forum regulars. It's up to you to post your own scenes up though. I'll make it a round robin that way you'll be able to do that.
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: RokofAges75 on June 02, 2008, 10:57:32 AM
Cool!  *off to post*
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: mare on June 02, 2008, 10:59:15 AM
Here's the story link

http://absolutechaos.net/viewstory.php?sid=9059

And you know I think that would make it even more funny though to rewrite a scene of a story you might not even read just based on what it appears like to the person reading. I think that will be a challenge somewhere along the road. We have to post just a snippet of a scene from one of our stories and just based on that info another writer can turn it into a short story. lol YAY!!

Are you done with school now or doing the whole done but not really thing like me? lol
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: RokofAges75 on June 02, 2008, 11:05:04 AM
That's a good idea for a challenge!

I am DONE!  Our "done but not really done" blow-off week was last week.  When are you officially DONE done?
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: RokofAges75 on June 02, 2008, 11:06:06 AM
Aw sad, my second chapter posted all in italics, and I can't edit it. :(
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: mare on June 02, 2008, 11:19:28 AM
I had a half day today then off tomorrow and a full day Wednesday. I'm still not sure what the logic behind having off tomorrow is but i'll take what I can get lol

So one more day of school for me! :) lol
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: mare on June 02, 2008, 11:20:12 AM
It wouldn't let you edit? I'll try to get rid of the italics
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: RokofAges75 on June 02, 2008, 11:21:43 AM
No :(  I just wanted my little author's note part in italics... and I probably forgot to close them after that.
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: RokofAges75 on June 02, 2008, 11:22:19 AM
LOL that is weird that you have a half day, then a day off, then another full day of school!  Is Wednesday your last day then?
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: RokofAges75 on June 02, 2008, 11:24:06 AM
YAY, you fixed it - thanks!! ;D
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: mare on June 02, 2008, 11:24:21 AM
Yup, they call Tuesday record keeping day. The teachers come in and clean up etc... I don't have to go in because I don't have my own classroom lol then because they have off that day, we have a full day Wednesday which is ridiculous but then that's it. Weird and makes no sense lol i'm just showing the Little Mermaid to everyone anyway. I'm just a warm body on Wednesday.

I just edited it for you. I left your AN in italics but changed the rest lol
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: Sakabelle on June 02, 2008, 01:14:23 PM
I posted mine!!  Now I'm going to start working on the picture challenge :)
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: nicksgal on June 02, 2008, 01:21:55 PM
Your school sounds complicated, Mare. :( But yay for the Little Mermaid! ;D
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: mare on June 02, 2008, 02:19:33 PM
Hey guys, you both got a review! I forgot they would come to me as well lol

And yes, it is complicated but I agree yay to Little Mermaid!
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: MellzBellz on June 02, 2008, 02:38:56 PM
I had a half day today then off tomorrow and a full day Wednesday. I'm still not sure what the logic behind having off tomorrow is but i'll take what I can get lol

So one more day of school for me! :) lol

You lucky girls! We still have another three weeks of school left. And if today was any indication of how June is going to be please shoot me now lol. My 5th graders have completely checked out and unfortunately there are still some things we NEED to get through. The teacher I'm in for is coming back that last week of school, but I still need to do report cards and I'll probably stick around for graduation.

Anyway I'm going to try my hand at this challenge later today.
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: mare on June 02, 2008, 02:41:18 PM
^ yup, there aren't many things worse than the last few weeks of school. LOL
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: RokofAges75 on June 02, 2008, 03:06:50 PM
Your school sounds complicated, Mare. :( But yay for the Little Mermaid! ;D

I also approve of The Little Mermaid! ;D  I wish we had "record day" at my school... we just had to clean our rooms after the kids left on Report Card Day.

And whee, reviews!!
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: RokofAges75 on June 02, 2008, 03:12:19 PM
Thanks for the review, Darby! ;D
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: RokofAges75 on June 02, 2008, 03:14:04 PM
Haha, just an observation... both the stories that are up so far are named for Bsb songs.  Are we teeny or what? :D  LOL
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: Sakabelle on June 02, 2008, 03:16:44 PM
LOL I noticed that too Julie!  We're such teenies haha
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: Sakabelle on June 02, 2008, 04:40:47 PM
Thanks for your feedback, Julie!  LOL I figured that Like a Child had to be taken out of there!
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: mare on June 02, 2008, 05:27:48 PM
You guys have another review! I keep getting all excited when I see new review and then i'm like "Oh yeah, I haven't updated anything! Bummer!" :( lol
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: nicksgal on June 02, 2008, 06:17:08 PM
And yes, it is complicated but I agree yay to Little Mermaid!

I also approve of The Little Mermaid! ;D

Your favorite too? ;D
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: nicksgal on June 02, 2008, 06:17:54 PM
^ yup, there aren't many things worse than the last few weeks of school. LOL

I'm done for a little less than a month. Muahahahahahaa ahahah ha.
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: nicksgal on June 02, 2008, 06:18:36 PM
You guys have another review! I keep getting all excited when I see new review and then i'm like "Oh yeah, I haven't updated anything! Bummer!" :( lol

But you are featured. :) I know you have at least one new review because I reviewed you this morning. :)
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: RokofAges75 on June 02, 2008, 07:12:41 PM
Your favorite too? ;D

Nah, Beauty and the Beast is my favorite.  But Little Mermaid is right up there, along with The Lion King.  Those three are my faves. ;D
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: mare on June 02, 2008, 07:14:28 PM
Beauty and the beast is my favorite too but I didn't get to it before it went back into the vault :( I also love The Hunchback of Notre Dame but Mermaid is my third favorite lol
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: mare on June 02, 2008, 07:17:07 PM
I got your review Dee, thanks! lol

Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: RokofAges75 on June 02, 2008, 07:18:02 PM
Oh boo, I hate the vault. :(  I still have my original VHS copies of all those movies, and I refused to buy the DVDs of the ones where they added extra songs... like The Lion King and Beauty and the Beast (although someone told me you can watch BatB without the extra song(s)?).  That just seemed so wrong to me.  I don't care if they're in the Broadway versions - the Broadway musicals rock and all, but I don't like them changing the originals!  I will probably buy them all next time they come out of the vault though because by then my VCR probably won't work anymore LOL.
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: honey on June 02, 2008, 07:24:39 PM
Nah, Beauty and the Beast is my favorite.  But Little Mermaid is right up there, along with The Lion King.  Those three are my faves. ;D

hehe me too! Those are my three faves.
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: mare on June 02, 2008, 07:27:17 PM
I wasn't a fan of the Lion King. I loved the Circle of Life but that was about it.
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: honey on June 02, 2008, 07:30:19 PM
Oh boo, I hate the vault. :(  I still have my original VHS copies of all those movies, and I refused to buy the DVDs of the ones where they added extra songs... like The Lion King and Beauty and the Beast (although someone told me you can watch BatB without the extra song(s)?).  That just seemed so wrong to me.  I don't care if they're in the Broadway versions - the Broadway musicals rock and all, but I don't like them changing the originals!  I will probably buy them all next time they come out of the vault though because by then my VCR probably won't work anymore LOL.

yeah beauty and the beast you can watch the original version. I don't think you can on my copy of the Lion King and I get very angry every time it gets to "the Morning Report" soooooo terrible and they only did it because people liked it when they added the extra songs to Beauty.  But I did like the Human Again number in Beauty. I thought that was great.
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: mare on June 02, 2008, 07:33:36 PM
I haven't seen the DVDs with the added on songs. Interesting
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: RokofAges75 on June 02, 2008, 07:53:43 PM
yeah beauty and the beast you can watch the original version. I don't think you can on my copy of the Lion King and I get very angry every time it gets to "the Morning Report" soooooo terrible and they only did it because people liked it when they added the extra songs to Beauty.  But I did like the Human Again number in Beauty. I thought that was great.

Yes!!  I watched The Lion King DVD with my best friend, who bought it, and I was sooo annoyed by The Morning Report that I vowed never to buy that movie or any other movie with extra songs on DVD LOL.  The Morning Report is in the Broadway musical of it, along with other songs, and I don't really mind it there (actually, I think it's an annoying song, but whatever), but I don't like them ruining my nostalgia.  Hopefully you'll be able to watch the original without that song the next time it's released on DVD.

I'm glad to know you can watch the original BatB on DVD; I will definitely have to get that one next time it comes out of the vault. :)
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: Rose on June 02, 2008, 09:11:56 PM
Thanks Julie, the whole beginning of it kinda makes me go eep, but at the same time that story cause of the span of time shows the growth the best. Eventually a rewrite will happen for the beginning, but not now cause I'm lazy lol
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: MellzBellz on June 02, 2008, 09:39:03 PM
I added my challenge response to the story. I must say this was harder than I thought. My original had to be changed cuz I realized it was a subject matter I really now at 24 don't want to touch with a ten foot pole. LOL Most of my old fics were things that I'd rather not rewrite cuz I'm SUCH a different author now. Anyway I wound up doing something from my first fan fic.

And yes not only is it named after a BSB song, but we're already repeating titles. It's called Don't Wanna Lose You Now LOL
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: RokofAges75 on June 02, 2008, 09:45:42 PM
LMAO go us!
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: RokofAges75 on June 02, 2008, 09:46:43 PM
Uh oh, it's all out of order now too LOL.  Mare, fix it!
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: Rose on June 02, 2008, 09:49:06 PM
*pumps fist* Yes! Mine isn't named after a BSB song! I'm different! *dances*

lmao I can proudly say I never did that for any of my stories, after other songs? Sure, but no BSB ones lol.

Uh oh it is out of order lol, our challenge is broken! haha
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: RokofAges75 on June 02, 2008, 09:55:59 PM
Aww, but you broke the lovely pattern of teenyness, Rose!
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: MellzBellz on June 02, 2008, 10:07:08 PM
Uh oh, it's all out of order now too LOL.  Mare, fix it!

Actually that was my fault  :-[ I'm mildly retarded apparently. Most of my rewrite didn't copy right and in round robin mode you can't really edit it if you're not the promary poster. So I had to repost everything again and then go back and delete.

And yes Julie we really rock with our horrible teeny fics LOL
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: mare on June 02, 2008, 10:49:15 PM
D I need to fix something? And you guys have 4 more reviews.
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: mare on June 03, 2008, 09:38:43 PM
You guys have some more reviews lol this person likes your originals better than the rewrites
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: honey on June 03, 2008, 09:39:24 PM
You guys have some more reviews lol this person likes your originals better than the rewrites

LMAO The AC readers never fail to disappoint.
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: RokofAges75 on June 03, 2008, 11:18:00 PM
^ LOL!  I just saw that, but she said j/j... I believe that means just joking. ;)   Good thing, cause otherwise, uh.......
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: Rose on June 03, 2008, 11:23:37 PM
She said my first version wasn't that cringe worthy lol. *twitches* there are so many tense issues, cheesy descriptions focusing on Nick, and lack of flow all over the place. Gah lol.
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: RokofAges75 on June 03, 2008, 11:41:21 PM
Well, it's all relative.  It wasn't as cringe-worthy as, say, mine!  LOL
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: Rose on June 04, 2008, 12:20:53 AM
Point taken, my stuff that was that bad has all been lost or in my old journals in storage boxes thankfully lol.
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: MellzBellz on June 04, 2008, 05:40:20 AM
Well, it's all relative.  It wasn't as cringe-worthy as, say, mine!  LOL

Or mine lol Brandy is one of my readers and she was like Wow... That was YOUR story? LOL
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: mare on June 04, 2008, 02:37:33 PM
^ You should go post it on AC in the story called Cringes
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: bsbsavedmylife on June 04, 2008, 02:45:11 PM
^ You should go post it on AC in the story called Cringes

Oooh I didn't realize I could do that!  LOL!  Thanks!   :D
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: mare on June 04, 2008, 02:46:39 PM
^ no problemo lol
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: mare on June 04, 2008, 10:36:48 PM
You guys have some more reviews and a read count of over 600! Nice to know people want to see cringe worthy material! lol
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: bsbsavedmylife on June 06, 2008, 04:51:23 AM
You guys have some more reviews and a read count of over 600! Nice to know people want to see cringe worthy material! lol

I don't think anyone's reviewed mine yet.  LOL!  I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.  LOL!   :P
Title: Re: OMG like what was that supposed to be? *cringes* (June challenge 1)
Post by: mare on June 25, 2008, 10:43:37 AM
Julie you got another review for your chapter of the Cringes thing lol