Pages: [1]
Author Topic: Comments if anyone would like to help. :o)  (Read 1374 times)
Supreme Time Waster
Posts: 9260

"Fool," said my Muse, "look in thy heart and write

« on: February 17, 2009, 11:28:37 PM »

I've recently started working on an original fiction and I'd love some comments on it. It's a short little scene, and I promise it's all I'll post here (especially since it's from the middle, or at least a quarter through the story, lol).

I have a few scenes from it, so I decided to post my favorite of the eight scenes I have, none of which are in a particular order. Only one of the POV characters is featured here and then a second major, but non-POV character as well. I want some specific feedback on if the characters come off as being relatable or believable, and any criticisms against or for that. And then anything you think is unclear or could be improved. Smiley If you think of any other criticisms, please feel free to pass them along! I love concrit.

The only thing to remember, of course, is that this is from later in the story, so it's not going to be a lot of introduction, so I apologize for that. Sad

Onwards and forwards!


Scene 7: "See him, even if he was smiling"

I didn't want to go back to Eta Gamm any more. I wanted to run as far away from them as possible.

You know, when Cliff tells you "a brother needs a date," he should really specify whether he means "a current brother needs a date" or "Evan White came back from California and someone is dragging him along, hey you should go with him!"

I sound terrible. All I could think about or hope for or dream about since August was Evan and here I was running away from him.

Yes, I wanted to see Evan, but all along I was preparing myself for my "close friend" Evan, or at least "standoffish" Evan. Instead I got an "I'm ecstatic to see you and this totally made my day" Evan.

Why would he go so long without talking to me, with only sending me a response because I was an idiot, if he would turn around and be that happy to see me?

I stumbled past the gate and collapsed in one of the outdoor chairs at Illegal Pete's. I let my head rest on the table.

"Evan… why are you in Boulder?"


My head shot up instantly. Evan?


No… It didn't sound like Evan… Then, who? Cliff?

"I should have known to just look for the girl dressed in cowboy clothes instead of yelling her name."

I turned to see a guy wearing a plaid shirt and cowboy boots smiling down at me.

"Did Cliff send out a search party for me when he found out I wasn't at the house anymore?"

"I don't even know if Cliff knows you left." He hopped the short fence and pulled out the chair opposite mine. "Mind if I sit?"

"Go ahead." I gave him a small smile, "That was a pretty impressive fence hop."

"It's a really small fence."

"I would have fallen on my face." I laughed.

"So fence jumping isn't among your talents?"

"Sadly, no." I laughed again.

He gave me another smile, "You know, you have a really pretty laugh. Why don't you come back to Eta Gamm and let me seduce you?"

"You're kidding, right?"

"Only half." He winked.

"You know, I'm supposed to have a date to that party." I put my hand to my cheek and realized I had a few tears falling down my cheeks. I wiped them quickly.

"What's to cry about? You're going to enjoy some whiskey with the Eta Gamms and we get to enjoy your tits."

"Oh my God…" I laughed even harder, and then shook my head, "You guys really don't keep up with your alumni after they leave, do you?"

He crossed his arms, "I know exactly who you are, Deidre."

I leaned forward, "And what do you know aside from my name?"

"You're a junior in Tri Alpha. You always smile and laugh, even at yourself." He leaned toward me as well, "And last summer you dated my Big Bro, Evan White."

I smirked, "So Zander decided to start his own search party for me?"

He rested his arms on the table, "I'm surprised you know my name."

"I only saw it on a paddle all summer… Sorry, I know, that sounds really creepy. We're also in an FB photo together if it makes you feel better."

"I'm pretty sure I'm more creeped out by the fact that you know we're in a photo together off the top of your head."

"I also know that you aren't friends with your Big Bro."

He laughed, "Someone dropped the ball."

I rested my hand on my chin, "Probably you. Evan doesn't friend people. He only accepts friend requests because he's not on FB enough to care who's his friend and who isn't."

"You can't possibly spend all your time on facebook…"

"It's hard to get away from, especially after they added FB chat. That thing is so addicting!"

He laughed again, "I guess you do spend all your time on facebook. Now, how on earth did you plan to attend our date dash then?"

I lowered my head, "Cliff asked me to go… And I keep my promises."

"So why did you run out then?"

I lowered my voice, "I didn't expect a smiling Evan…"

"Just because it was Evan?"

I raised my head a little, even though I could feel the tears forming in the corners of my eyes, "I didn't expect him to be smiling."

"What does that mean?"

"I could have handled it if it was just Evan… But he had to be smiling!" The tears started streaming down my cheeks like a broken pipe. I couldn't keep them in even if I wanted to.

"Evan's not a bad guy."

"I know. Why would I be crying if I didn't know that?"

"Why would you run away if you did?"

"Evan and I… There isn't an Evan and I anymore… We're a thousand miles apart, so it's just Evan and just me."

"He's not in California right now. He's at Eta Gamm right now. He's only like ten minutes away."

"He's three minutes away."

"Once again, you have the most random things memorized."

I lowered my head, "Sorry…"

He put his hand to his head and let out a groan. "That's not what I meant… What I mean is if you want to see Evan, you should see him whether he's smiling or not. Right?"

I sniffled a little.

"And besides, at least he smiled instead of saying 'What the hell are you doing here' or something, right?"

"You know Evan doesn't talk like that." A small smile crossed my face.

"And you probably know that White and I aren't that close." He gave me an equally small smile.

"I know."

"But that's why I asked him to come to Whiskey and Tits." He folded his arms, "He graduated, but… Now's as good a time as any to make a better relationship with him." His smile grew.

I shook my head, "But he's your Big Bro, isn't that the closest relationship in a fraternity?"

"We're not always exactly the same as the sororities."

I lowered my head. This wasn't the first time I'd heard that… Schneider had said something very similar once. It broke my heart.

"But enough about that." He stood up and motioned his hand toward me, "Come back to Eta Gamm."

I gave him a smile as a wiped my tears and stood. I took his hand and gave it a squeeze, "You know, you could friend him on FB. I bet he'd like that."

"Just for that, White buys the first round of whiskey!"

"Evan will like that. He'll order a Seven and Seven."

"Stop." Zander burst into laughter.

"Can't hold it back anymore?"

Zander shook his head as we walked away from Illegal Pete's. "You just always have something to say, don't you?"


He continued laughing.

Thanks, Zander. We're not really friends, but… You knew just what to say. I appreciate it. And just for that, I'll friend you on FB, too.


Anyway, let me know what you think! It's unedited, but don't let that dissuade you from giving grammar/spelling/etc. related criticisms. Grin


People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening.

From "And Now, Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handey
« Reply #1 on: February 18, 2009, 08:29:33 PM »

Hi! I just read what you posted and I hate to admit that it was a little confusing. But that might just be because it's picking up in the middle of the story because it was much more clear by the time I got to the end. So I gather that they are in college and she's just left a frat party where her ex showed up unexpectedly? And was it his brother that came to her? Or another guy who belongs to that fraternity?

It seems interesting, but as far as your questions about characters, I'm not sure it's enough of a snippet for us to get a real sense of who they are. Nothing seemed unbelievable, and I think any girl could relate to her. I would imagine we have all run from an ex (or at least wanted to) at some point or another. The guy was a little harder to understand. I couldn't really see why he'd followed her if they don't even really know each other, if he's thinking she should make nice with her ex. If he's a guy and he came to find her, wouldn't it be because he liked her, and therefore not want to talk her into going back to see the other guy? Again, that could be because I haven't read the story. I hope I'm being helpful. (Probably not, sorry. I've never been very good at giving feedback.)

I guess I would say, what you really need is a beta reader. Someone who can read the whole thing to give you the answers you're looking for. Good luck! It sounds like a fun story.

Supreme Time Waster
Posts: 9260

"Fool," said my Muse, "look in thy heart and write

« Reply #2 on: February 18, 2009, 10:38:37 PM »

It's probably part of it, but I like clearing up misconceptions . Smiley

1st answer: The characters are in college and about ninety percent of the characters in the novel are involved in the Greek system. It's not a fraternity party, it's more like a fraternity date function. The basic background is as follows:

~Paul Zander (referred to here as simply his last name, "Zander") invited his Big Bro, Evan White, along to the party (the skemantics of how exactly are explained at a different point), but the two of them decided that Evan needed a date for it, since it's a date function.

~So another member of the fraternity, Aaron Cliff (called by his last name, "Cliff") thought Deidre would be the perfect date for Evan, they had dated once, and he invited her to the date function. He, however, neglected to tell Deidre that her date was Evan and he also neglected to tell Evan that his date was Deidre.

So basically, everyone but Deidre knew Evan would be present.

2nd answer: The two characters in this scene are Deidre and Zander (as mentioned before, his full name is Paul Zander). Basically, in the Greek system, everyone gets a mentor/sponsor to help them through their time as a pre-initiate, called a Big Sister (for a sorority) or a Big Brother (for a fraternity). Evan is Zander's Big Bro in this sense, but not in the blood ties sense.

3rd response: I agree that a snippit probably isn't the best, nor is this necessarily the best snippit to produce. I just think it's the most amusing one I've written. Plus, it shows a range of emotions, so I'm at least a little fond of it.

My favorite joke being, of course: "What's to cry about? You're going to enjoy some whiskey with the Eta Gamms and we get to enjoy your tits." But without context, it's probably not that funny... The date function is a cowboy themed event called, appropriately, "Whiskey and Tits." lol

The snippit does allude to why Zander went after her, but he also had no idea that she would be Evan's date. Only Cliff knew, and he's kind of cheeky like that. lol But, basically, Zander wanted to make a relationship with his Big Bro and when Deidre left, Evan was like "This is stupid, I'm the oldest person here. I'm just going to leave." So Zander figured if he could bring Deidre back, he could spend time with his Big Bro.

It's a least a little flawed logic, and sort of out of place in this snippit. But, I like clearing up confusion, so I do what I can. lol

Thank you for the feedback though. I was really happy to see someone respond to this thread. Grin


People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening.

From "And Now, Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handey
« Reply #3 on: February 19, 2009, 10:25:55 PM »

That actually explains things a lot. I'm sure most of my confusion was from not reading the whole story. You're welcome, even though I'm sure I wasn't any help.

Supreme Time Waster
Posts: 9260

"Fool," said my Muse, "look in thy heart and write

« Reply #4 on: February 19, 2009, 11:43:26 PM »

I figured it might. lol Like I said, not the best snippet, but my favorite by far. Ah, but confusion in that case can't be helped because the rest of this story is on my computer/in my head. lol

No, any comments are helpful. And like I said, I was super happy to see someone respond. Smiley


People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening.

From "And Now, Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handey

Pages: [1]
Jump to: