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Author Topic: Help Me  (Read 4644 times)
mare
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« on: August 30, 2010, 09:08:00 PM »

I had a chance to read through the first chapter and found some small mistakes for you.

For instance, you had my heart jumped into my through. < I think you mean throat?
We haven't been back together sense < -- since
She fought that he needed to stay in school. <-- thought

Just be careful of little things like that.

Smiley

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Writing is something you do alone. Its a profession for introverts who want to tell you a story but don't want to make eye contact while doing it. ~ John Green

mare
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« Reply #1 on: August 30, 2010, 09:13:19 PM »

Your second chapter is kind of a mess guys. Truthfully I couldn't get through it because it's all a jumble. You need to break up your dialogue (it was just discussed in the grammar thread) This is a big issue and one that makes people almost instantly click away from a story. Be careful

This:

"Couldn't he just go this once?" Nick and Debbie stood in the entry way of Debbie's home. "Nick, He’s not going!" Debbie almost yelled. Yet again they where fighting about Justin going on tour with Nick. "Why?" "Don't start that again, you know I don't want him to miss school." She argued. "I'll get him a tutor. Besides, school lets out in six weeks anyway." Nick fought for his son. He always did. "Please mom." Justin said walking into the room. "Justin..." She trailed off. "Come on Debora." Nick said looking at her right in the eyes. "Nick, don't call me that." She told him. "Then let him go. I promise his grades wont fall." Nick told her. "Come on mom. You aren't gonna let dad be the fun parent my entire life are you?" Justin added. She looked between the two of them. Nick quickly put his arm around Justin and the both gave her the puppy dog face. "Fine." She caved. "Really?" They both asked not believing her. Nick had been fighting with Debbie ever since Justin was born about him going on tour. This seemed too good to be true.

Should look like this:

"Couldn't he just go this once?" Nick and Debbie stood in the entry way of Debbie's home.

"Nick, He’s not going!" Debbie almost yelled. Yet again they where fighting about Justin going on tour with Nick.

"Why?"

"Don't start that again, you know I don't want him to miss school." She argued.

"I'll get him a tutor. Besides, school lets out in six weeks anyway." Nick fought for his son. He always did.

and so on... it's much easier to read this way and you get a clearer picture of who is saying what.

Just a few tidbits for you. Hope that helps!

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Writing is something you do alone. Its a profession for introverts who want to tell you a story but don't want to make eye contact while doing it. ~ John Green

yorkielover88
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« Reply #2 on: August 31, 2010, 11:13:16 AM »

gotcha. ok so not the question (as i posted in gramar101) is: How do you "format" it when it is in someones POV and they are not saying something said by someone else. Like... I'll make up something below and hopefully someone can show me how to format in correctly.

The song played over and over in my head. It was permanently etched in my brain. I remembered all of it. The words. The melody. The tempo. I could hear her voice singing it so clearly. Hell, I even remembered the sound of the guitar as she strummed softly. The words stood out over everything else. Each time they played in my head my heart would begin to hurt more and more. It had finally gotten to a point where I could feel physical pain deep inside of my chest.  I guess what hurt the most was how true the words were. It made me feel disgusted with myself. I knew all of this was my fault. A small part of me however blamed my mother. If she would have just left me alone and let me do what I wanted not of this would be an issue. However, had I just told the truth from the start none of this would be an issue either. Ultimately I had to admit that this was all my fault even though it embarrassed me to do so. Admitting it was the first step though. The second step was fixing my mistake. One thing was holding me back from doing that though. You see, I just didn't know how to fix it. Really I wasn't even sure if I could.
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mare
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« Reply #3 on: August 31, 2010, 11:16:27 AM »

If the entire story is told in first person, you can leave it as is. If those are just internal thoughts then use italics.
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Writing is something you do alone. Its a profession for introverts who want to tell you a story but don't want to make eye contact while doing it. ~ John Green

yorkielover88
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« Reply #4 on: August 31, 2010, 11:26:37 AM »

What if that (well more written the same way) is all in one chapter... like a prologue. then the rest of the story is narrated.

Like the prologue and chapter one in HELP ME
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julilly
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« Reply #5 on: August 31, 2010, 11:26:42 AM »

There is still a need for paragraphs even when you're doing your monologue in first person.

When you start a new thought, start a new paragraph.
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~Maple Jellybean~

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? ... I don't know, and I don't care.

mare
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« Reply #6 on: August 31, 2010, 11:32:08 AM »

^ lol what she said. You still need to break up your thoughts. It makes it much easier for people to read.
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Writing is something you do alone. Its a profession for introverts who want to tell you a story but don't want to make eye contact while doing it. ~ John Green

yorkielover88
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« Reply #7 on: August 31, 2010, 11:37:51 AM »

so it should look like:

The song played over and over in my head. It was permanently etched in my brain. I remembered all of it. The words. The melody. The tempo. I could hear her voice singing it so clearly. Hell, I even remembered the sound of the guitar as she strummed softly.

The words stood out over everything else. Each time they played in my head my heart would begin to hurt more and more. It had finally gotten to a point where I could feel physical pain deep inside of my chest. 

I guess what hurt the most was how true the words were. It made me feel disgusted with myself.

I knew all of this was my fault. A small part of me however blamed my mother. If she would have just left me alone and let me do what I wanted not of this would be an issue. However, had I just told the truth from the start none of this would be an issue either.

Ultimately I had to admit that this was all my fault even though it embarrassed me to do so. Admitting it was the first step though.

The second step was fixing my mistake. One thing was holding me back from doing that though. You see, I just didn't know how to fix it. Really I wasn't even sure if I could.
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yorkielover88
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« Reply #8 on: August 31, 2010, 11:46:50 AM »

oh and I am trying to correct the posted chapters... I am not sure how to space something... can y'all help me? (pun intended)

like this:

"Shit!" AJ yelled half way through the film making Kevin and Howie jump.

"What the fuck dog?" Kevin asked.

AJ stuck part of his finger in his mouth. "Sorry." He muttered.

or this:

"Shit!" AJ yelled half way through the film making Kevin and Howie jump.

"What the fuck dog?" Kevin asked. AJ stuck part of his finger in his mouth.

"Sorry." He muttered.
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evergreenwriter83
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« Reply #9 on: August 31, 2010, 12:26:49 PM »

oh and I am trying to correct the posted chapters... I am not sure how to space something... can y'all help me? (pun intended)

like this:

"Shit!" AJ yelled half way through the film making Kevin and Howie jump.

"What the fuck dog?" Kevin asked.

AJ stuck part of his finger in his mouth. "Sorry." He muttered.

or this:

"Shit!" AJ yelled half way through the film making Kevin and Howie jump.

"What the fuck dog?" Kevin asked. AJ stuck part of his finger in his mouth.

"Sorry." He muttered.


I would start the third line with "Sorry".  But I have one correction where that's concerned.  It should be:

"Sorry," he muttered. 
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julilly
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« Reply #10 on: August 31, 2010, 12:51:16 PM »

See, I would do it the other way because AJ is the speaker and his action goes hand in hand with the dialogue. It's all subjective!
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~Maple Jellybean~

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? ... I don't know, and I don't care.

yorkielover88
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« Reply #11 on: August 31, 2010, 01:06:30 PM »

I took HELP ME down off AC. Two reasons. We are reformatting it & we are having to redo some years and ages so that i makes sense!
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evergreenwriter83
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« Reply #12 on: August 31, 2010, 01:32:59 PM »

See, I would do it the other way because AJ is the speaker and his action goes hand in hand with the dialogue. It's all subjective!

It is all subjective! Except for that comma...I'm a stickler on comma's. 
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Rose
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Uh oh! We lost Nick again...


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« Reply #13 on: August 31, 2010, 01:37:49 PM »

I'd do it the other way, since it's AJ's action.

AJ stuck part of his finger in his mouth. "Sorry." He muttered.

To me it makes more sense that you're starting out with AJ's action since he's the one speaking as he does the action. But it's definitely subjective lol.

Jen's right about the comma though.
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evergreenwriter83
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« Reply #14 on: August 31, 2010, 03:20:11 PM »

Yeah, my last English teacher hated when I stuck dialogue after an action.  But I've caught myself doing it in my own stories.  But thanks for the back-up on the comma love! 
I'd do it the other way, since it's AJ's action.

AJ stuck part of his finger in his mouth. "Sorry." He muttered.

To me it makes more sense that you're starting out with AJ's action since he's the one speaking as he does the action. But it's definitely subjective lol.

Jen's right about the comma though.
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