Oh, I had to share this section I wrote just now. It's part of a scene where Brian is accidentally hit with a tranquilizer dart meant for the werewolf he and his team are chasing through Vegas. What do you think of it? How can I make it better?
Brian raced around the corner just ahead of the rest of his team, already looking ahead for the werewolf. A sharp pain suddenly dug into the back of his shoulder. He stopped with a cry and reached back to figure out what it was. To his shock, when he drew his hand back he held a tranquilizer dart. He looked behind him and found the newest Hunterling already at his side trying to apologize. Who had given her the tranquilizer gun in the first place? Not him.
Stupid kid, he thought as he tossed the dart to the ground. “Never mind,” he said. “Just be more carefu… carf… fuh…”
Brian’s tongue felt swollen in his mouth. He shook his head, blinking against the suddenly blurred vision and the strange disconnect between his head and the rest of his body. He did have a body, right? From somewhere came the dim realization that the dosage in the dart he’d been hit with had been meant for an animal much larger than a human. His heartbeat began to slow, thudded against his ribcage. How did that work? A clatter of metal against concrete. He’d dropped his gun. Or his knife? Something. Brian tried to move forward, stumbled, hit the ground as his knees gave out.
“Whoa,” he slurred, “tha’ stuff wor's f-”
Oblivion descended even faster and led him through strange and psychedelic dreams.
