Stuck in Traffic by evergreenwriter83
Story Notes:
Stuck in traffic, stuck in traffic
We are stuck in traffic
We are never gonna get to the hotel
Cause we are stuck in traffic
Stuck in traffic

We are living in hell
We are stuck in traffic
Traffic

We've been on a plane for twenty two hours
Twenty two hours
And now we're stuck in traffic

By the time we get to the hotel
We've got to turn around and fly back to hell
Because we're still stuck in traffic

1. The First Forty Eight Minutes and Fifty Seconds by evergreenwriter83

2. Twenty Two More Minutes by evergreenwriter83

3. Lark at Seven o'Clock by evergreenwriter83

4. Can You See Me Now? by evergreenwriter83

5. A Hunka Burning Love by evergreenwriter83

6. Taking Off, Standing Still by evergreenwriter83

7. A Few More Minutes Later... by evergreenwriter83

8. Hooters and Hearses by evergreenwriter83

9. I Do, Do You? by evergreenwriter83

10. Jailhouse Rock by evergreenwriter83

The First Forty Eight Minutes and Fifty Seconds by evergreenwriter83
The First Forty Eight Minutes and Fifty Seconds


"It's 5:15 and if you're heading home, stay clear of Interstate 5 heading north. Multiple pile-ups and construction have increased estimated wait time from anywhere from three to six hours."

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

I whipped around to see a ninety-year old guy that looked like Mr. Magoo laying on his horn. He flipped me off.

If the damn radio report had come through about thirty minutes earlier I wouldn't have been trapped. Instead I was in the thick of a bumper to bumper jam to end all traffic jams. I had half a Red Bull and some stale fries that were an indeterminate amount of days old. I knew I had ordered them sometime before the trip to China.

The car in front of me was a brand new Hyundai Sonata. At least the paper plate in the back window and the perfect cherry red exterior were all signs pointing to a car that had just rolled off the showroom floor. I snickered. Hopefully the owner had asked the dealership to fill them up before they rolled off the lot. I glanced at my own fuel tank. The needle was slowly dropping but I was hovering at three-fourths of a tank. I turned down the air conditioner and slumped down. They had to be exaggerating. There was no way in hell that there could be a three to six hour wait.

Right?

---


"Ittttt'sssss six o'clock! If you just punched that clock don't hop on 5 unless you want to miss dinner and breakfast."

I could have punched the smartass DJ. After twenty minutes of not moving, I had just turned the car off. We hadn't moved an inch. Luckily, the beeping from the old dude had stopped. I didn't know whether his hand had just gotten tired or he died. I wasn't curious enough to get out and check. With this traffic, no hearse was going to get to him anyhow.

It was my fault I was stuck in traffic. If I had just gone with Brian, Howie, and Kevin this wouldn't have happened. But no, I had to stop at home because I had forgotten my lucky t-shirt at home before we had left for China and I couldn't do without it for our Canada dates. They thought I was crazy, but they hadn't gotten the shits for five days because they didn't have their lucky t-shirt.

My ass hurt too much to risk it again.

I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walk--

Taylor's annoying voice blasted through my speakers and I switched to my IPod. Once upon a time I was metrosexual enough to sing along with her but I had kinda lost interest in her songs. I mean there's only so much bitching you can do about bad relationships when you were the one that was the human bicycle - every guy was welcome to hop on and take the Tour De Taylor.

You should've been gone!

Now that was more like it. My fingers hovered over the steering wheel as I belted out the lyrics.

Oh I must've been a dreamer...

My fingers began the drum sequence. I began the appropriate 80's headbanging. As the song belt to chorus I tipped my head back.

Oh Sherry, our love
Holds on, holds on
Oh Sherry, our love
Holds on, holds on


It was time for the air guitar. I was glad I had turned off the car so I could appropriate strum along, holding out the wailing chords.

I was in heaven for the three minutes and fifty seconds the song was on. After it was over I was even more sweaty and I realized that the Sonata in front of me hadn't move an inch. I slammed my head into the steering wheel.

"Fuccccck."
Twenty Two More Minutes by evergreenwriter83
Twenty Two More Minutes


6:23 p.m.

It's gonna take a lot to take me away from you
There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do
I bless the rains down in Africa
Gonna take some time to do the things we never have


I had my 'Best of the 80's Playlist' still cranking and was crooning to the amazing melodic tones of ToTo when the Wicked Witch of the West interrupted what might be one of the best non-Journey songs of the decade.

"I'll get you my pretty! I'll get you my pretty! I'll--"

"'Sup?"

"Nick?"

"Yeah?"

"Where are you?"

"I'm stuck in traffic."

"What's all that noise?"

The pan flute was vibrating my seat. "It's Africa!"

"You're in Africa?"

"No dumb fuck, the group Africa!"

"Ohhhhh. Well, we're at the airport waiting for you."

I ran my hand over my chin. My beard was growing pretty well even though it was driving me nuts. I had this great vision that all five of us would grow some awesome beards and go all Beatles for our album cover. I mean the Beatles were and still are legendary and after twenty years we were too, right?

"Brian, I'm like stuck in the fifth ring of hell traffic," I said, reluctantly turning down Toto. "I think I'mma gonna miss the flight."

"He's gonna miss the flight."

I knew that he was telling Kev. I didn't even have to be there and yet I could see him stepping from foot to foot like a kid that had just ate a whole bag of KitKats, making an 'I'm just the messenger' face as he uttered the words.

"What do you mean he's going to miss the flight? Let me talk to him--"

"I can't. This is Leighanne's phone and--"

"Nick?"

Even though it was low, Toto faded into Billy Joel.

North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe,
Rosenbergs, H-bomb, Sugar Ray, Panmunjom
Brando, "The King and I" and "The Catcher in the Rye"
Eisenhower, vaccine, England's got a new queen,
Marciano, Liberace, Santayana goodbye


"Hey Kev," I said, adding a lot of regret and pathetic-ness into my voice. "I got my shirt and I hopped on 5 but I got into this wicked traffic jam and--"

"Use the carpool lane."

"What?"

"You heard me."

"You want me to break the law?"

There was a pause. "Yes."

I grinned. I could see Kevin, turning just in time to keep out of reach of Brian's hands trying to get the cell back all the while debating on whether or not to tell me, a natural rule-breaker, to break the law.

"As enticing as that sounds," I did a head bob as the 'and on, and on, and on' part of We Didn't Start the Fire came on. "I can't even get to the carpool lane. That's packed too. Probably a whole buncha lactating moms choking from the smell of poopy diapers."

"Lactating moms?"

"Is he talking about Rochelle?"

Brian's voice sounded awfully close to the phone. Kevin musta been losing the twirling game.

"Whatever you haveta do, you need to be here in ninety minutes. Got it? NINETY minutes."

I looked at the clock. 6:45. The Sonata seemed to have gone backwards, the bumper really close to my front end. There was no way in hell.

"No problem," I lied.

"See ya in ninety."

I hung up before he could add some sort of threat. I glanced at my reflection in the rear view mirror. The old dude behind me was eating a Fiber One bar. I really hoped the wind wouldn't shift for the worse in the next half hour. I scratched at some of my uber long chin hairs.

The beard idea was full of win.
Lark at Seven o'Clock by evergreenwriter83
Lark at Seven o'Clock


7:04 p.m.

We are young, heartache to heartache we stand
No promises, no demands
Love Is A Battlefield


I sucked down the last of my Redbull, doing my best Pat Benatar finger shake as I lip-synched along.

There's no way this will die
But if we get much closer, I could lose control
And if your heart surrenders, you'll need me to hold


The door to the Sonata opened. I arched an eyebrow as a leg appeared. Maybe I was stuck in retro mode, but the leg seriously reminded me of Jessica Rabbit's. The damn leg went on for miles. I was beginning to think that it was one of those prank legs when the rest of the chick appeared. It was pretty much as impressive as the leg. She tugged down the bottom of her teeny tiny skirt and looked around in frustration. She headed towards me and my fingers crunched into the can a little bit. She ignored me though and opened up the trunk. She bent over and I watched the booty wiggle as she rooted around.

I had never loved a traffic jam as much as I did at that very moment.

She must have rooted around in the trunk for a good four minutes before she pulled out what she had been looking for. It was a pink little bag that had me thinking all kinds of dirty thoughts. She headed back to the front of her car, but before she got inside her cell must have rang because she pulled it out and started talking. The bag started moving to and fro the more animated she got.

Since the cool air in my car was pretty much gone, I cranked down my window. Humidity be damned, I wanted to hear what this gorgeous chick sounded like.

"No, you are such an asshole. It's not like I planned this. Do you think I want to be stuck here with Elvis? I can't believe I let you talk me into this. What? Ugh, you would. Just jump off a bridge already."

She hung up and turned to peer into the car. I looked too but I didn't see anyone or anything moving around. She didn't seem to be in too big of a hurry to get back into her car and my head slid out of the open window all by itself.

"You okay?"

She turned to look at me and I could see that her cheeks were splotchy, the kind of splotchy girls get when they're trying hard not to cry. "I'm fine," she said in the least convincing voice I had ever heard.

"No you're not. Do you need help? Music? I've got the Best of the 80's Playlist going on in here. As long as you don't want to listen to Taylor Swift, I'm pretty open to anything else."

She slid off her heels and sank down a good two inches. Even so, her legs were still like a gazelle's. "I like the 80's," she said.

I took that as a yes. I chucked the mummified fries into the backseat and popped open my passenger side door. It took her a couple seconds to work her way to it, but when she did she slid inside easily bringing a whiff of pure sex with her.

"Don't think I'm a creep or anything but you smell awesome," I said. She closed the door and I brought the car to life again. The air conditioner began to shower us in coolness.

"Thanks, it's one of those generic sprays. Y'know the ones that are like 'If you love Curious you'll love dot dot dot Intriguing'?"

I thought it was cute that she actually said the dot dot dot, making little periods with the tip of her finger in the air too. I grinned. "Well it certainly is intriguing."

She laughed then and I knew my cheese had been well received by the delectable mouse. She held out her hand. "I'm Lark."

I shook her hand. "Nick. That's a nice name. Unusual."

She crossed her eyes and I laughed. "I hate it but my middle name's Zipporah so I can't really use that either."

"People could call you Zippy," I offered. She smirked.

"I'm impulsive, but I'm not fast."

I was hoping that she was saying she was nice and slow and long-lasting in bed, but I wasn't going to make assumptions. Brian always said that assuming made an ass out of u and me but unless you used the word in the present tense only and not like the running-man present tense it didn't make all that much sense.

"So Lark," I said. "Forgive me for eavesdropping, but I thought I heard you say something about Elvis?"

She leaned forward and seemed to be staring at her temporary plate. "Yeah, he's in the car."

"Is that a dog?"

"No," she shook her head. "It's Elvis."

I was suddenly regretting the invite into the car. She glanced at me, tossed back her head and laughed. I noticed she had pretty brown eyes. Potentially crazy brown eyes, but still pretty.

"I mean, not the Elvis," she opened the little pink bag and pulled something out that was white and incredibly lacy.

"More like the Vegas marrying-type Elvis..."

"Complete in midget form."
Can You See Me Now? by evergreenwriter83
Can You See Me Now?


7:35 p.m.

"Shit, I think we're moving!"

I was still processing the idea of a midget sized Elvis priest when Lark jumped out of the car. I watched the veil, erm, unveiling in her hand as she carried it and the pink bag to her car. She yanked open her door and climbed inside. A second later her red brake lights came to life.

We were off. We were moving!

I switched back to the radio.

"Traffic is still creeping. This might be one for the history books folks. Helicopters have been dispatched for some aerial footage. For the folks actually stuck in the mess, look up and smile. You're probably gonna be on camera. Of course, you'll be just a pinpoint in this cluster-you-know-what."

The guy started to laugh and I switched him off again. I was convinced he didn't know what he was talking about.

We made it about a quarter mile before we were stopped again.

"Damnit," I muttered.

"Fuck the haters in the fucking eye and pick up the fucking phone stud. Fuck the haters in the fucking eye and---"

"Where are you?"

"Where are you?"

"I'm stuck in traffic and Kevin wants to cut off my nuts. I kinda want to give Ava a brother or sister someday, so I don't like that idea. Where are you in this fucking mess?"

"In good traffic I'm twenty minutes away from the airport," I said. "In this mess, I'm about ten years away."

"Shit, I'm probably right behind you then."

I glanced in the rearview mirror. The old dude looked like he was straining. I knew that fiber bar was gonna be a bad idea.

"Unless you're an old dude with pubes coming outta your ears, I don't think so."

"I'm pube free right now actually."

I groaned. "Dude, I don't need to hear about your manscaping."

"Ro did it."

I squeezed my eyes shut but that just made me picture it even more. "I fucking hate you."

"The sex is so much better when you're smooth."

"I'm hanging up on you."

"No! Let me climb on top of my car and you see if you see me."

"What? Are you nuts? Why didn't you go with the guys anyhow?"

"I stopped by home to see Ava. She was sleeping, but I kissed her cheek and I swear she smiled. Wait a second, I'm sticking you down my pants."

I heard the slamming of a car door and then a zipper being yanked down. Then there was a thud and the sound of sneakers on metal. I heard the zipper a second time.

"You almost fell out. Can you see me?"

I killed the engine again and got out of the car. I shielded my eyes against the setting sun and looked around.

"Nope."

"I'm gonna jump."

"Jump? Jump whe--"

I held the phone away from me as the sneakers landed hard on what sounded like the roof. "Now?" AJ asked breathlessly.

"No. Did you dent your car?"

"Maybe." He did it again.

"How bout now?"

"No!" I said loudly. "Maybe Kev should cut off your nuts. I think you just got lucky with Ada. She's more like Ro anyhow."

"Fuck you."

"Hey now," I snickered. "We're probably gonna have to share a late ass flight together. Let's not be nasty."

"Fine. Love you fuckhead. Have fun in this fucking traffic."

"You too. Later."

"Late."

We disconnected and I yanked open my door again. As I did, Lark's door opened.

"Hey Nick?"

The leg inched out. "Yeah?"

"I think my car's overheating. Can you check?"

I hesitated. I wasn't a car guy in the sense that I knew a lot about cars. Boats, yes. Cars, no. I knew what a fast car looked and felt like. I also knew what dents and scratches looked like. But I didn't know a lot about fixing an overheating car.

"Sure," I said. I abandoned my car and headed up towards hers.

The inside of the Sonata was just as nice as the outside. The black leather seats had that awesome new car smell. I peeked in and got a nice flash of boob.

"Hey, you could have asked me. I know a thing or two about cars."

I looked in the backseat, following the sound of the voice. My jaw dropped open.

"You weren't kidding about the Elvis."
A Hunka Burning Love by evergreenwriter83
A Hunka Burning Love


7:52

"Uh-huh-huh. This your hunka hunka burnin' love Priscila?"

The little dude was like Elvis in his fat years, the white rhinestone suit he wore was straining against his gut. One black side burn was longer than the other and his eyes reminded me of a hamster's: little, black and beady. There was a sheen of sweat on his curled upper lip. The top of his bouffant hair didn't reach the top of the backseat. It was no wonder I hadn't seen him.

"No, this is Nick and my name is Lark, not Priscilla."

"All you lovely ladies are 'cilla's," he crooned. "Uh-huh-huh." He stopped and tugged at his collar. "Elvis is burning up. Let's make this car like a cold and gray Chicago mornin' instead."

"You're seriously gonna let this guy do your wedding?" I asked. Lark stepped aside so I could get behind the wheel. Sure enough, the little needle was on hot. The car itself chugged beneath my ass.

"I think you just need to turn it off." I said.

"But then it'll get hot," she argued.

"Elvis could use some food. Got any peanut butter and banana sandwiches around her teddy bear?"

She sucked so much air between her teeth that she practically whistled. "I'm going to kill him."

I glanced in the rearview mirror. Mini-Elvis was picking his nose.

"Let's go have a chat in my office," I suggested. I got out and slammed the door shut. Elvis' face peered out the side window. He looked like he was trying to press the window control.

"I put the child safety locks on," she explained.

We headed back to my car. I cranked it up the moment we got inside. Lark lifted her hair and tilted forward. "Ahhh."

She had a tattoo on her back, but the dress was covering a lot of it up. I looked ahead at her car and saw that Elvis was now standing on the seat.

Elvis was pissed.

"So you're getting married?"

"I was."

"You're not now?"

She turned her head and smiled at me, all the while keeping her hair up to bask in the cold air. "This traffic jam is a sign from God. It has to be. How else do you explain it?"

"Well," I scratched my chin. Now I was hot from moving around and the shit was making me sweat more than normal. And it itched. "Some dude could have jumped again or blown his brains out. That happens like daily, but combined with construction and rush hour and the fact that it's summer..."

"He wanted the Elvis," Lark said. "But he wouldn't pick him up. Now he thinks I'm standing him up on purpose."

"Are you?"

"As of now? Yes."

"So I'm guessing this was true love?"

Lark snorted. "Friend from high school."

I know I must have looked confused because she sat up, let her hair fall and gestured to the car. "We made a pact in high school that if we were still single by the time we turned thirty that we'd just marry each other. So I turned thirty last week and he turned thirty a month ago and...well I'm sure you can fill in the blanks."

"You're kidding."

She shook her head. "No, really, it's true. I--"

"You can't be thirty."

She stopped and looked at me for a full minute before she laughed. "That's the unbelievable part?

"Yeah I mean you don't look older than twenty five."

"Thanks. You're cute."

I grinned. "Is your fiancée cute?"

She wrinkled her nose. "He's bald. And an accountant."

I shuddered. "Bald accountants are the worst."

We both started to laugh. Up ahead, mini Elvis was beating on the window.

"I think he's turning purple," I remarked.

"I better go see about letting him out." She tilted her head. "He kinda looks like a puppy, dont'cha think?"

My grin grew wider. Maybe it was the start of delirium, but I saw what she was talking about.

"You better hope he's potty trained," I said.

"Otherwise I hope you paid extra to Scotch Guard those seats."
Taking Off, Standing Still by evergreenwriter83
Taking Off, Standing Still


8:05 p.m.

Blocks up, hats down
Fiends on these streets
So please pay attention when you comin' around
Because the block got it's eyebrows down, ya heard me


Kevin's ringtone blared through the car. I connected right before it went to voicemail. "I'm still stuck in this fucking traffic," I said quickly.

"Don't do this to me."

Kevin sounded kinda desperate.

"What's wrong?"

There was some shuffling and the sound of a toilet flushing. "I think I'm going to kill my cousin-in-law. I have to sit by her on this whole damn flight because your ass didn't get here on time."

"Wait, what?"

Lark and the mini Elvis were walking along the cars. Elvis was garnering quite a bit of attention. Horns honked all around me as he broke out into a perfect hip-gyrating rendition of "A Little Less Conversation."

"Leighanne thinks that she can still follow Brian around but if they keep their distance it will increase the passion in their relationship."

"Ugh, I don't want to think about her and passion in the same sentence," I complained.

Another flush followed the sound of someone grunting their colon out. Kevin started to gag.

"Did someone shit?"

"You think?"

"Then why aren't you leaving?"

"I can't talk out there. She hears everything."

"You could have pulled the no chicks allowed rule."

Kevin snorted. "In the years I've been gone, I swear to god she thinks she's the fifth member of this group. Why didn't you warn me?"

I snickered. "I did."

He sighed and I knew he was finally accepting the harsh reality that I wasn't going to make it. "You okay out there?"

Lark bent down for something and I got a split second look at a little white thong. My groin tightened. "I'm peachy."

"Is AJ with you?"

"No, but he's stuck in this mess too. He tried jumping on his car, but I couldn't see him."

Silence.

"He jumped on his car?"

"Does that surprise you?"

"Unfortunately, no."

There was the sound of a door opening and an intercom voice. "They're boarding. Catch the first flight out once you get here. We're on a tight schedule."

"I'll be there before you know it," I said sweetly.

We said a mutual goodbye. I tossed the phone back on the console and scratched my crotch. I was dying of thirst and beginning to think we were all going to die before traffic moved. I opened my door and stepped out. Elvis was doing pretty good. He had reaped a sandwich and a Gatorade already. I lifted my t-shirt and wiped my face.

"Hey, you thirsty, Muscles?"

The voice sounded exactly like Mr. Herbert, the old gay creepy dude from Family Guy. I lowered my shirt slowly, only to see Mr. Magoo gawking at me. He smiled at me, wiggling his big ass bushy eyebrows.

"No thanks," I said. "I--"

"Hey fucker!"

I turned around in surprise. AJ was walking towards me, a big ass grin on his face. He was flanked by about fifteen girls.

"Told you I'd find you!"

At least three of the girls suddenly looked like they were going to faint. I was being looked at like the turkey at Thanksgiving dinner. I inched back towards my driver's side door.

"Hey, I saw him first!" Mr. Magoo shouted.

"Get lost old man!" one of the girls shouted. I swear one actually licked her lips. My fingers flexed. I could reach the door handle within seconds. They couldn't get me. I might die in my car, but at least I wouldn't be eaten alive. If I was nice I might even let AJ join me, but then again he was the one that brought the vampires to me. He probably deserved to be sucked dry.

"We can't go on together with suspicious minds. And we can't build our dreams on suspicious minds. Uh-huh-huh!"

Elvis honed in on the girls and gyrated their way. They all seemed to melt at his small cuteness, the way girls coddle anything in miniature scale. AJ suddenly looked so happy that I thought he might piss his pants.

"Holy shit it's a midget Elvis!

I held out my arms.

"Welcome to my life."
A Few More Minutes Later... by evergreenwriter83
A Few More Minutes Later...


"It's been reported that we have some famous friends stuck in the mess on Interstate 5. A mob of girls have descended on a couple of Backstreet Boys about five miles north of L.A. Good luck guys and God Speed."

"If we get out of this alive, I'm going to go to that radio station and punch that guy's nose in."

I peered out between my fingers. AJ was in the backseat of my car breathing down my neck. The car slowly began to rock.

"It's like that time in Brazil all over again."

"Yeah, except the girls want you and not Howie. And no one's cussing in Spanish."

"I knew you two looked familiar!"

Lark shielded her face as an elbow smacked the passenger side window. Her Sonata was no longer visible thanks to the throng of excited girls.

"This just in. Most of the pile-ups have been cleaned up and traffic ahead of the Backstreet Boy mob should start flowing within twenty minutes. For those of you behind the boybanders, you're still going to be there awhile. Police have gotten The Call and are dispatched but can't get through due to the Larger Than Life amount of cars crammed and unable to get out of their way."

The DJ started to laugh. AJ punched the back of my seat so hard I lurched forward.

"DUDE!"

"I don't know what a Backstreet Boy is uh-huh-huh, but I know the ladies love The King. Am I right ladies?"

"Sit the fuck down or I will rip your sideburns off."

AJ obviously didn't the mini-Elvis was cute anymore. The two faced off in the back, mini Elvis giving in. His fat little face quivered. "Elvis doesn't like that idea. Elvis is All Shook Up just thinkin' about it."

"You're a Backstreet Boy?"

"By night. By day I'm just a guy...a guy stuck in traffic."

I tried to sound mysterious, but truthfully I was getting nervous. I was hearing a lot of cracking and thunking and I wasn't sure that my car was going to make it through the ordeal. I was going to have to get a new car but the worst part was the resale value on this one was going to be shit.

Lark was staring at me wide-eyed. I noticed she had really pretty eyes, an interesting shade of floaty purple. In fact, the purple was sliding onto the white part of her eyeball and now her eye was half purple and half green. I squinted.

"Do you wear contacts?"

"I---damnit!"

She slapped her hand to her face and cursed about twelve more times. When she finally pulled her hand away, she looked panicked.

"I lost my contact."

Let's make some fruit salad today (Uh huh uh)
It's fun to do it the healthy way (Uh huh uh)
Take all the fruit that you want to eat


The stupidest song I had ever heard in my entire life drowned out Lark's renewed cussing. She was patting herself down slowly and I had just been leaning over to help her when that fruit salad shit filled my car. I whipped around and shot AJ a look.

"Sorry, it's Ro," he said apologetically. He stopped dancing to the song and it cut off at It's gonna be a fruit salad-- as he answered with a panicked 'Hello?' just as the car rocked.

"Elvis needs to leave the building!"

My hand palmed Lark's stomach. "Did you find it yet?"

"No, and I can't see a thing out of my right eye!"

My hand went higher. I totally forgot I was actually looking for something.

"We've been stuck in traffic forever and I finally found Nick but I think we're going to die. I'm stuck in the backseat of a rocking car with a miniature Elvis. The fans are surrounding us like the zombies from The Walking Dead."

"Did you find it yet?"

My hand was full, but not of contacts. I gave her a blank look. "Hunh?"

Her face was totally flushed. And her hair...

There was something in her hair.

"I found it," I said. I reluctantly let go and slowly slid the wet gooey piece of plastic that was tangled in her blonde strands.

"Tell Ava I love her. Give her my---oh. Well, I guess...hold on."

AJ's phone interrupted the moment I was having. Lark took her contact and I took the phone.

"What?"

"Love you too, dick."

I could hear Ava in the background doing that weird baby jabber thing. She was a cute baby, but then again I was a sucker for baby girls. If I could be assured to have only girls I probably would have four kids by now. "Sorry, it's a little crazy here."

"So I've heard. Listen, I don't care about our car, but AJ can NOT die. Do you hear me?"

"And I can prevent that how?"

"I don't know but he can't die until I tell him something."

"Okay..." I glanced in the backseat. AJ had Elvis in a headlock. "Why don't you tell him now?"

"I can't," she said mysteriously, "I have something big planned."

"But--"

"I'm pregnant. Don't you dare."

How she knew I was about ready to say the world's longest 'whaaaaaaat?' I don't know, but I clamped my lips shut.

"Just keep him alive and don't tell him until I meet up with you guys."

I groaned. I was the world's worst secret keeper. I scratched my chin violently. It didn't even itch, but it was like the secret was gonna slip out of my pores.

"Okay?"

"Okay," I mumbled.

"Gimme back to my skullez," she cooed.

I flung the phone at the backseat. In the melee, midget Elvis grabbed it.

"Help me 'cilla!"

It was only as he tipped off the seat and the top of his jumpsuit gapped that I saw the little bottles strapped to his chest.

Either it was a bomb or it was a collection of boose.

I was kinda hoping for the latter.
Hooters and Hearses by evergreenwriter83
Hooters and Hearses


??:?? p.m.

It took about twenty minutes before the buzz kicked in and another fifteen before we were well on the way to smashed. Elvis had been packing million proof whiskey and a couple of other tasty concoctions I had never had before, courtesy of illegal moon shiners from Tennessee (or so Elvis said). The stuff kicked in way faster than any of the shitty mixed drinks at the clubs.

At one point the car had tipped sideways and we had almost been turned onto the roof. Lucky Mr. Magoo behind me was packing and the sight of the giant ass Civil War era gun had scared half the crazy fans shitless. By the time the alcohol really started to burn my stomach we were down to just a few diehards. Traffic was even starting to move, albeit slowly in the left lane next to me.

"I should go back to my car," AJ slurred as we watched a black hearse slide up next to us.

"You can't!" I screamed. I don't know why I screamed, but I did. "I have to protect you."

AJ snorted. He had pulled some shades out of his pocket and slid them on, no doubt to hide how red his eyes were. His eyes always got red when he drank. Which suddenly reminded me...

"You're not 'spose to drink!" I gasped. "I relapsed you."

"Little sister don't you do what your big sister does," Elvis crooned. He licked the rim of one of the bottles and I laughed. He had a little fat midget tongue.

"I think I love you."

That statement came from Lark. She rolled her head back and grinned at me. "You're a sign from God."

AJ snorted. "God broke the mold when Nick came out, that's fo' sho'."

"Shut up," I complained. "That's romantical."

Elvis whistled. "So are the tits on that brunette. Shake 'em 'cilla!"

The remaining fans had been giving us periodic peep shows. My hood was probably covered with wet panties. I began to laugh.

"What--what's so funny?" Lark asked.

I tried to tell her, but I just kept laughing.

"Do you think there's a body in there?"

The question came from AJ. He was eyeing the hearse, mesmerized. I swallowed another laugh.

"Prolly."

"I wanna see."

"No way, you sick freak."

"Just hit the locks."

"The fans will get me."

"They're all by your window. Just lemme run out. I'll distract them."

"Elvis is haunted by ghosts all the - hic! - time. Don't mess with the dead. Uh-huh-huh."

"Lemme out."

"Uh uh. Think life, not death."

"I wanna pay my respects."

"I want to kiss you."

My elbow hit the unlock without realizing it. Lark's big pouty lips were puckered and she was leaning in my direction. The door flew open and I heard a lot of squeaking and cursing before the door slammed shut. Even more screams rose up from the girls around the car. I relocked the doors just as one smart topless girl tried to yank my door open. AJ and mini Elvis had already escaped. I leaned forward, those lips in perfect view and went for it. After a moment of frenching her eyelid I hit my target.

I'm pretty sure I would have had her naked and panting and sexing if it wasn't for the mayhem that erupted about five minutes after the kiss began. Between the dead body flopping onto the Interstate and AJ getting taken for a ride in the rollaway hearse with Elvis hanging on for dear life underneath, everyone and everything around us went ape shit.

Leave it to AJ to cock block me and make it memorable.
I Do, Do You? by evergreenwriter83
i Do, Do You?


9:50

"Traffic is finally flowing for the most part save for the pile-up near the Sacramento extension where two Backstreet Boys, what looks to be a miniature Elvis, a hooker, and a dead body have created a three-ring circus. I can't wait to get video of this on my blog!"

It was a fucking free for all as AJ went screaming down the Interstate, the hearses breaks having been kicked up. The fan girls were momentarily frozen in place, shocked as I jumped out of my side of the car. It was only after I had passed Mr. Magoo and a car with two teens that were hopefully practicing safe car sex that they took off after me.

"Nick!"

"We love you!"

One of the chicks must have been related to Jackie Joyner Kersee because I was starting to feel my personal space close in on me and a couple of times my laces actually hit the toe of the other persons shoe. AJ was climbing out of the coffin, squatting like he was going to roof jump onto a car like he was in one of those Mission Impossible movies.

"Don't!" I gasped. I hadn't worked out hard since Lauren and I had broken up. My abs were getting fluffy again. Sometimes I wished I could just spray on the rippedness. It was a sad day when Brian-fucking-Littrell was getting abs and I was a human paczki donut.

By the grace of god or gravity or some science term I didn't know, I managed to grab the back of the coffin. Their was a lot squeal that didn't stop even after the hearse's cart and coffin were stock still.

"What the--oomph!"

The long distance runner that had been chasing me crashed into me and sent me sprawling beside the mess. From my ground level view I spotted mini-Elvis, looking pale and smelling like he had peed his pants. His eyes were freakishly large and I could see way too much white eyeball.

"Nick!"

I didn't have time to worry about him though because I was being thoroughly molested. The chick had a wicked bad overbite and she was smelly from the traffic and then chasing after me. I did a rather impressive roll that got me away, but that also took half my shirt. I felt nauseous as my body straightened.

My alcohol was going to become highway graffiti.

"Nick, dude, thank---"

"Blaaaugggghccccccchhhhhhh."

My throat burned as the contents of my million-proofed covered stomach came up and out. Cars started honking all over again as people, stunned by the coffin, snapped out of their awe-inspired trance.

The only thing that drowned out the cars was the sound of sirens. The errr-errr noise smacked into my eardrums, causing them to throb worse than losing my earpiece in the middle of the show. AJ had his 'oh fuck' face on and Elvis held up his hands.

"I give up!"

---


"I've never been in a cop car before."

"Me either," I lied.

Poor Lark had gotten sucked into the action. She had been found topless in my car, the heat from the alcohol doing her in. She was almost charged with prostitution until her story about being a third grade teacher panned out.

My third grade teachers never looked like her.

She and I were crammed into the back of a squad with Elvis. AJ and a couple of the crazy fan girls were in the other, AJ at least being allowed to ride in front with the cage in between. He was in deeper shit than I was, what with the coffin ride and all.

"I'm scared," she said. I saw the tears well up in her eyes. I couldn't reach for her considering we were all handcuffed.

I had my lucky shirt on my lap. I figured I'd throw a hissy fit for it; I mean, I was going to jail anyhow, right? I leaned my head towards her.

"It's going to be okay."

She batted her eyes and her pretty purples did me in. I kissed her softly, totally forgetting (and squishing) Elvis who was sitting between us.

"Hey, watch it!"

I pulled away slowly. She still had her eyes closed. My heart began to race; I blame the alcohol for what came out of my mouth next.

"Marry me."

Her eyes flew open. "What?"

"Marry me."

Her mouth dropped open. A tear leaked out from the corner of her right eye.

"Yes."

---


"'Cilla, do you take this hound dog to by your lawfully wedded hunka burning love?"

"I do."

"Hound dog...she does, do you?"

"I do."

"Then by the power vested in me by the state of California and the aura of Graceland, I know pronounce you husband and wife."

As the squad car pulled away I kissed her again. Elvis began crooning.

Wise men say only fools rush in
But I can't help falling in love with you
Jailhouse Rock by evergreenwriter83
Jailhouse Rock


1:05 a.m.

"I should at least get a conjestural visit."

"We only get one phone call."

I pressed my forehead against the metal jail bars. We were housed in a portion of the jail reserved for the drunk and disorderly. The entire cell smelled like piss.

Even worse, they had taken my lucky t-shirt from me. They promised I'd get it back, but I wasn't sure if the lucky was going to still be there after they all touched it.

"Besides," AJ copied my face smush into the bars. "Your dumbass called your cell and wasted that call."

I groaned. I had puked most of the alcohol, but obviously it hadn't been enough to completely clear my head. "I'm sorry," I sighed. "I mean it sucks being in here but at least I don't have children that have to go to school and tell people their daddy's in jail for breaking and entering a hearse. Hell, you might not even get to see your unborn child ever."

"What?"

I lifted my face away from the bars. "Uh oh."

AJ was on me like a fly on shit. "What do you mean my unborn child?"

I rubbed my neck. "Uh, I don't know what I'm saying. On account of the midget getting me drunk and all."

From the wooden bench along the wall, Elvis gave me the finger.

AJ squinted his eyes. "You know something."

I held up my hands. "I know nothing! Seriously! Ask any of my exes."

"Ro's pregnant?"

I puffed out my cheeks. Damnit, why did she have to tell me of all people? "Maybe."

"I'm going to have another little monkee?"

"I'd hope it's a baby like Ava was. Of course if it's a boy it might have your hairy ass..."

AJ grabbed me and squeezed me. "This is fucking terrific!"

Another set of arms wrapped around me from behind. I got out of AJ's grasp and turned around. Old Mr. Magoo grinned at me with wide black gaps between his remaining teeth.

"Just joining in the hug," he said sweetly. He wiggled his bushy eyebrows at me.

"Sweet Jesus," I muttered. I grabbed the bars and shook them. "HELP!"

From down the hall the big main doors swung open. Heavy footsteps sounded down the hall.

"Alexander James McLean."

"Fuck."

AJ stepped away from the bars just as Ro swooped down like a pissed, good looking vulture.

"What the hell were you thinking?!" she screamed. "You were on TV and I had to get a sitter for Ava and--"

"I love you."

"And you!" She turned her wrath on me. "I told you to keep him safe! What the fuck were you doing while he was joyriding?"

"I was surrounded by zombie girls," I said morosely.

"Baby, baby, baby," AJ said. He crept towards the bass. "Just calm down. The hormones---"

I sucked in a breath. Ro's eyes grew even larger. If they were lasers I'd already have been ash.

"NICK!"

"I'm sorry!" I wailed. "He made me do it!"

"This is fantastic, this is--"

"Shut up," Ro cut him off. She folded her arms. "I should leave both of you in here. Especially you," she said, looking at me. I winced.

"Actually," AJ said, oblivious to the death stare or just immune to it. "We gotta bond out Elvis too. Oh, and Nick's wife."

"El--Nick's what?"

Obviously the thought of freeing Elvis wasn't as unbelievable as me having a wife.

"My wife's over in the girl's part of the jail," I said. "She's totally hot."

"I married Nick and 'cilla in the back of the squad car. Lemme give you my card."

"Holy shit, it's a midget Elvis."

All three of us turned to look at the little dude. He put his hands on his hips.

"Don't be cruel."

---


"Come with me."

"I can't."

"You've gotta. We haven't done the honeymoon part yet and I'm totally looking forward to it. I can guarantee you that I'm much more exciting in bed than a bald accountant."

Lark stared out across the parking lot. A couple cops were leaning against their cars, talking and eating donuts.

"You sure it's not the alcohol talking?"

"Trust me, after three hours in there, I'm sober. And horny."

She looked over at me. Slowly, she smiled.

"Okay, let's go."

I hugged her to me. She laughed.

"After all, we can't get in more trouble than we did stuck in traffic, right?"

The End


Look for book two, Stuck Like Glue, coming soon!


This story archived at http://absolutechaos.net/viewstory.php?sid=11063