Confession by honey
Chapter 1 by honey
Nick,

I’m writing this letter because I'm too much of a chicken shit to tell you in person, but I have to get this off my chest before I explode.

God, can you believe we’ve lasted this long? A lot of crazy shit’s happened over the years. Shit I didn’t think we’d be able to recover from. A lot of that’s my fault, and I’m sorry for everything I’ve put you and the guys through, but look how we’ve beat it.

Fuck the world, you know man? Fuck everyone that said we couldn’t do it. We’re still putting out records, still touring. I’m still fuckin sober… And now Howie’s fuckin married. That’s fuckin crazy shit. That’s three of us now. We’re the only ones left. I’m only sayin cause he looked so fuckin happy up there today, and Leigh is fuckin perfect. She’ll be poppin out the munchkins in no time.

Fuckin relationships, you know? Shit I’m fuckin rambling. Sorry. Dude, you’re my brother and all and you know I love ya, but I can’t bullshit ya anymore. I love you Nicky. Not like a fuckin brother, like something else. I don’t know how it happened, and I made damn sure there was nothing I could do to change it before deciding to tell you, but I can’t help it, and I’m fuckin tired of hiding it.

I don’t know, maybe it’s just all this wedding shit messin with my brain. Maybe this isn’t such a good idea. It’s a good think your ass will be fuckin wasted when you get this too, so if you’re totally pissed at me, then burn this fuckin letter and you won’t remember it in the morning. If you don’t say anything to me then I’ll never bring it up again, but at least I’ll know that something between us is impossible.

Love, Alex




Nick rubbed his throbbing head as he tried to decide if AJ had really written this, or if he was really that drunk. It was a shitty-ass prank to play if it wasn’t fucking real, but he couldn’t just ignore it on the off chance it was. He picked up the scribbled on piece of hotel stationary, a letter that had obviously been written impulsively, and made his way back down to the wedding reception that he’d given up on once already. AJ was right about one thing, fucking relationships.

Nick watched his friend, his brother, spin his new bride around the dance floor and they looked so happy. Why did their life get to be so perfect? Why couldn’t he have that too? But no, Nick Carter’s life always had to be so fucked up. He always had to do things the hard way. He looked at the letter in his hand again and then sighed when his eyes fell upon the author. He looked like shit, perched on a stool, alone, at the bar. For a moment Nick’s heart jumped, and he prayed AJ hadn’t gone off the deep end again. When he reached the bar, he took a nervous breath and whispered, “For the love of God, AJ, please tell me you haven’t fallen off the bandwagon again.”

AJ spun around on his stool, startled by the voice, and the blood drained from his face when he saw the letter in Nick’s hand. “What?” he muttered, too nervous to string together any form of logical thought.

“You know what I mean dude, are you fucking drunk?”

“It’s a club soda, shit head,” AJ grumbled, holding up the clear beverage he’d only been pretending to drink.

“Does that mean this fucking shit is for real?” Nick replied holding up the confession.

“Ok, calm down, Nick, You’re drunk.”

“And you’re fucking not, so how the fuck do you explain this?!”

AJ started to speak, but was so embarrassed, and ashamed, that he was at a loss for words. He cast his eyes to his feet and let his shoulders sink as low as they were capable, giving Nick the answer he was looking for.

Nick’s eyes grew wide, and his fists began to shake as he clenched them, crumpling the letter, that had been written with so much sincerity, so fiercely that it nearly brought tears to AJ’s eyes. “Shit AJ! You’re fucking gay for me? What the fuck?!”

AJ felt sick when the bartender looked curiously at Nick, and he prayed the man would chalk it up to just how drunk Nick was. “Ha, ha! That’s hilarious, dude!” AJ said with a forced laugh, and then he glared at Nick and hissed in a much quieter tone, “Shit Nick, could you keep it down! You want the whole fucking world to know?”

“Fuck dude! I don’t even want to fuckin know. That’s fuckin sick dude! Fuck this shit, I’m going to bed and you fuckin better be fuckin straight when I wake up!”

Nick stormed out of the room, taking AJ’s heart along with him, but leaving the repulsive letter at his feet.

AJ watched him go, whishing desperately that he could run after him, but knew now, that it would do him no good. Before he’d written the letter, all that time he struggled inwardly, he always told himself it would be better to know, but now that he did, he wished he could take it back.

All the dreams, the fantasies, he had of what being with Nick could be like suddenly held no value, because now he knew that’s all they would ever be. Now even his dreams had been taken from him. Knowing that he loved Nick more than life itself, and knowing Nick would surly hate him for it if he remembered it in the morning suddenly made everything in the world around him unbearable.

AJ picked up the letter from beneath his feet and opened it on the counter, carefully smoothing out the wrinkles, and then carried it to his room, reading it over and over until each word was burned in his mind. Then, as he lied himself down on the hard hotel bed that night, he set the confession next to the now empty bottle of pills, leaving it to be his parting farewell.

After everything was said and done he decided it was better that Nick didn’t forget. It was better the world knew. He loved Nick Carter, and he was proud of it. Maybe then it wouldn’t be so hard for others like him. And in the morning, when they found his body, and the declaration of his feelings, the world was, indeed, forever changed.


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