On The Ground by Izzy by old_archive
On The Ground by Izzy by old_archive

It was starting again, another trial of some sort. At least that's what he thought of it as. Something temporary, something transitional. And it probably wouldn't last too long either. He didn't expect it to. It was just one beginning that would lead to another. One after another, after another.

"You're acting weird."

The kid raised his head a little, face shaded by the rim of a baseball cap. "What'd I do."

"You're just quiet."

The expression on his face spoke for itself. "I'm a quiet guy."

"Not usually."

"You don't know me."

The four words slid past, but they left a trail of silence.

Howie tried again. "You sure everything's fine?"

"I told you when you asked me before." AJ looked down at his watch, wishing the tiny hands would move faster. Just a little faster. He took off his hat, played with it in his hands for a second, and then pulled it back on. The rim was tugged lower. "I have to leave."

"Why?"

"Because."

"Twenty more minutes," another voice interrupted, having heard the last part of the conversation. "They want you."

AJ pulled himself off the chair and moved toward the door Kevin had come from without a word. He didn't look at either of them. Twenty more minutes.

Promotional pictures. Promoting the new transition. The people did all the talking. He said nothing.

"Keep the hat?"

"Leave it."

" ... No, don't smile."

"Put it up?"

" ... No, keep it down."

AJ looked down at his watch as he was physically pulled toward a marked spot on the floor.

Just a little more faster.

-

There was no one home when he got in. The dishes on the counter were the same as they were that morning. Everything that had been left out then was still staring at him now.

Grabbing a can of Pepsi from the fridge, he made his way to his room. He pushed through some junk on the floor and then slid his free hand under the mattress of his unmade bed. It took a second but he soon came up with the almost empty crumpled box of cigarettes.

Sliding one out, he shoved the rest back into their hiding place. His mother really wasn't too big of a fan of smoking.

He stared at the ceiling as he laid back in bed and inhaled slowly. He didn't do it much, just sometimes. Sometimes you just needed a little.

AJ was reaching for his walkman on the nighttable when he heard the phone ring. Not now. He let out a soft groan and pulled himself off the bed to go try and find it.

He followed the sound and found it under some papers in the kitchen.

" 'Lo?"

"Hey baby, it's me ..."

He leaned against the counter and smiled. "Hey ma, how's work?"

"Actually that's what I'm calling about, I'm gonna be running kind of late."

"They kept you late last week," AJ argued. It didn't make sense. He was starting to hate the stupid place his mother worked at. Some dumb agency with lousy schedules.

"I know, but hey it's overtime, right?" Her voice sounded funny.

"I guess so ..."

"You can go ahead and order a pizza if you get hungry. I've got money in my top drawer, okay?"

"Uh huh ... You alright?" Her voice sounded different.

"Fine. Just tired."

"Take a lot of secret breaks."

Denise smiled slightly on the line. "You sound pretty tired yourself. How'd your day go?"

"Good, yours?" came the answer.

"Oh that's descriptive," she said. "You have a good time with the guys?"

Well it wasn't a bad time. "Yeah ..."

"Alright ..." She wanted to talk more but the time was drawing close. "Listen, I have to go. We'll talk later, okay? I love you."

"Yeah, I love you too."

"And Alex, try to get any homework you have done, okay?"

"Yeah ..."

He hung up the phone a minute later and gave his discarded bookbag a long glance.

Nothing important was due.

He dropped down on the couch with his headphones and shut his eyes.

-

"Alex ...?"

Someone was shaking him gently. He squinted into the dim light as he felt the headphones being slid off his head.

"You fell asleep in your clothes, AJ," Denise said softly. "Why don't you change and go to bed, it's late."

"Mom?" He sat up, rubbing his face with his sleeve. "What time's it?"

"Too late. C'mon ..."

AJ was frowning. "You look tired."

"I am, long day." She could never get anything past him.

"Soon you're never gonna have to work again," he told her. "Okay?"

But her mind seemed to be elsewhere. She was looking around the apartment, the mess that they called an apartment, and wondering how she let it go that far. A second wave of fatigue washed over her.

"Did you eat?" she asked him.

"Yeah," he lied. "Did you? Want me to make you something?"

She shook her head, smiling slightly. "No, just go to bed, okay? Right to bed."

"Okay." He kissed her quickly on the cheek. "I love you. You go to sleep too."

-

He had a routine going.

In the morning his mom dropped him off in the front of his school, and he had time to feign walking toward the open doors of the huge brick building before she drove out of sight. But once she was gone he quickly redirected his path in the opposite direction.

The backpack got hidden in the shrubs, and until two o'clock he was free. Whatever he felt like.

At two, he had to get back to the school in time to retrieve his bag and mix with the rest of the kids pouring out of the school at dismissal. Howie usually picked him up to go straight to practice or whatever they had to do.

It seemed to be working.

"Hey, buddy," Howie greeted as the passenger door to his car swung open.

"Hey." AJ tossed his bag into the back and slid into the seat. He pulled the door shut and immediately reached for the radio.

"Question."

"Mm."

"Why have you been coming around from the side of the school lately and not the front?"

AJ felt the color drain from his face, but continued to fiddle with the radio, trying to look calm. "I have, uh, PE last period and we're outside since it's nice out."

"Ah." Howie didn't sound too convinced, but either he believed him or was letting it slide because the topic was dropped. "We're gonna go for a late lunch, okay? You hungry?"

AJ nodded slightly.

"You okay?"

He nodded again. "You?"

"Yeah."

Lunch wasn't at the McDonald's he had hoped for, but some pizza place right across town. It was the sort of sit-down restaurant with the plastic checkered tablecloths, tiled floors, and stool seating at the counter. The three other guys were already there when they sat down at the table.

"Hey fellas," Brian immediately greeted.

Howie was the only one that answered. "Hey."

AJ just pulled a chair up next to Brian and glanced at Kevin, who had a strange, almost annoyed look on his face.

"He's in a bad mood," Nick told him in a loud whisper, raising his eyebrows. In return he got a warning look from the man himself.

"Girlfriend," Brian said, not bothering to lower his voice. By the look he gave his cousin it was clearly a point between them. "Lack of," he added, directing the words to Kevin.

The warning look had shifted to him. "You better watch it."

It was obvious that the conversation had originated before their arrival, but Brian just shook his head. "It's been over for over a week now, not just today."

"Brian." The one word had so much threat behind it.

"It has."

AJ rested his arms on the table, leaning forward slightly. He hadn't met Kevin's girlfriend, he didn't know he had one. Well hadhad one, presumably.

"She dump you?"

Kevin shot a look in his direction and then back at Brian. No one knew how to mind their own business. "Look what you go and start, huh?"

"Over a week ago," was Brian's answer, narrowing his eyes. He hadn't liked her one bit.

It wasn't any of his to be sharing so Kevin finally reached over and cuffed his head hard, giving a pointed look. "You mind your own business."

Brian hid his hurt behind his retort. "It is my business. Did you like her Howie?"

As the eyes turned on him, Howie opened his mouth slightly. "I think we should change the subject."

AJ leaned toward Brian. "Who dumped who," he asked in a low voice. "Her?"

"Sorta ..."

AJ glanced at Kevin, who still had the same annoyed look on his face, if not more intensified. "A week ago?"

"Drop it," Howie said, overhearing them.

"She was ugly anyway," Nick offered.

Kevin shot the kid a look, leaning back in his chair. It was getting to be too much. "Excuse me? You never even met her."

The younger shrugged and Kevin shook his head at him. Incredible.

"You guys order already?" Howie interrupted. Somehow their conversation always seemed to take a wrong turn.

"Yes ..."

-

His name was Ivan.

AJ didn't like him. He didn't like his name, his height, his eyes, the way he kissed his mom on the cheek, the way he smiled at him like they were good old friends. He didn't like the smell of his cologne, the way he called him 'sport', or the way his hair fell.

Most of all he didn't like the idea of the guy coming over to have dinner. He had no right to be there, in their home, and it also meant they were going to have to clean the place up a bit.

"Aje, could you just straighten those papers over there ...?"

He did, silently.

"And just put your bookbag in your room?"

He took the bag to his room and locked the door behind him. His mom didn't ask much of him, not a lot at all, so he didn't know why he had such a hard time going through with these things. Why they made him sick to his stomach.

He was sliding his hand under his mattress when a soft knock came at the door.

"Alex, open up ..."

He pulled his hand back out and went to pull open the door, just looking at her.

"You alright?"

He nodded, letting her touch his cheek.

Denise looked at the deep brown eyes that had something going on behind them that she just didn't recognize lately. She couldn't pinpoint it.

"Look, I know it's not exactly easy on you, but just give him a try okay? It's for the both of us."

The eyes slid from her face to something across the hall. "It's fine."

"Look at me." She waited. "I'm not saying it's fine, just to give it a try. Alright?"

"Sure."

She knocked his jaw gently. "You're quiet lately, you sure nothing's bothering you?"

"It's fine, ma." He quickly kissed her on the cheek. "Go get ready."

Ivan was right on time. Perfectly punctual. He'd even brought flowers. AJ just shook his head as his mom handed them over to him. Flowers. What a jerk.

"You look pretty," he was telling her.

AJ had told her that five minutes earlier and she'd kissed him on the cheek. Ivan got nothing. He should have taken the hint.

Dinner felt forced.

He wanted his mother to be happy, he really did. And it wasn't that he was preprogrammed to dislike whoever she met, at least he didn't think so, he just didn't trust them. But it wasn't often that she did meet someone, so he knew he should try.

He knew that even when the wine incident happened. Incident, not accident. It was supposed to be an accident, but it didn't turn out that way.

The conversation had landed on the topic of him. And the thing with the guys. He didn't know why. His mother loved to talk about him. He didn't. He didn't want the man to know anything about him.

But the topic was still on him when Denise got up to get an extra knife.

"So what do you plan on doing after that?" Ivan had asked.

He hated when that happened, that question. And he had to answer, because they were alone. "That's it."

"That's all you're going to do?"

As if it were like finishing one paragraph and never starting a new one. He didn't bother answering. It was time for a new topic.

But the comment came first. He didn't remember what it was exactly, he had probably blocked it out of his mind psychologically, but it essentially had to do with the fact that AJ wouldn't be able to support his mother like that so no wonder she was looking for someone else to pay the bills.

And that was how the wine got in Ivan's face, on his expensive shirt, on his Armani pants. That was why AJ had called him a bastard and was standing in the cold in a phonebooth two blocks down from the apartment he lived in and trying to decide what would convince Howie to come pick him up.

He was mad at himself for leaving his mom with someone who obviously didn't love her, not one bit. He should have been the one still in the apartment, not Ivan. He had just taken off after he threw the wine. He didn't feel like explaining. The wineglass had broken too, but he was glad. He didn't want either of them to ever drink from the same glass the bastard had drunken from.

He decided to just tell Howie to pick him up. He would. And if he didn't, then he would ask.

"Hello ..." The person answering the phone sounded distracted.

"Howie?"

"No, it's Kev."

AJ shifted in the phonebooth. "Put Howie on?"

"Howie's not here. This AJ?"

"Yeah, where's D."

"I think he's on a date, man. Or picking up something somewhere. I can have him call you back."

"Oh ..." He couldn't be called back. He wasn't home. Damn. He knew he needed a cellphone.

"You need something?"

Just a car and a cellphone. Maybe Ivan had left already. Down the street some car's tires squealed around a corner and he jumped slightly. His stomach was full of knots.

"Hey, AJ."

"Hm?"

"I said you need something?"

"Kinda."

"Kinda what?"

It was so much easier to talk to Howie. It felt that way anyway. "Will Howie be home soon?"

"I don't know, man. What'd you need?"

He was getting cold. He'd have to settle and see what came of it. "A ride."

"A ride home?"

"Not unless it's yours."

There was a pause. "Where you at?"

"Why?"

Kevin sounded like he had to try in order to be patient. "'Cause if I come pick you up, do I go to your place or what?"

"Close ... You coming?"

"I guess. Tell me where."

-

Kevin massaged the side of his face tiredly as he slowed his truck in front of the curb, at the same time reaching across the front seat to unlock the passenger door.

AJ pulled it open and slid into the seat without a word, unconsciously rubbing his hands together.

"You cold?"

He shook his head but at the same time didn't reject the jacket that the older man pointed out in-between the seats. It was a varsity letter jacket from some high school, probably Brian's.

"Sorry," he said when there was a moment of silence. The truck was essentially parked there, so he figured Kevin was waiting for him to say something. He wasn't sure what else to really say.

"Don't be. Where're we going?"

AJ shrugged.

"You got school tomorrow, you think you should go home?"

AJ shook his head to that.

"Where's your mom?"

"Home."

"She know where you are?"

AJ shrugged again.

"Alright." Kevin shifted the car into drive, pulling back out into the street. He figured something happened but he wasn't going to press, he would leave that up to Howie. Getting things out of the kid wasn't exactly his area, and even if it was, he wasn't sure what to tell him. If the kid wanted Howie to talk to, he could have Howie.

After a couple minutes, AJ shifted in his seat and started fiddling with the radio. "Am I going to your place?"

"Unless you have some other idea."

There wasn't an answer to that.

Kevin took it as a no. "Howie should be back soon and you can talk to him, okay?"

AJ nodded slightly, wondering if Kevin really didn't like talking to him or if the guy just figured it wasn't his place. It was probably both. He absently chewed the inside of his cheek and stared out the window, silent.

He liked the place that Kevin shared with Howie and Brian. They had been there about three months now and even though it wasn't much, it felt like more than it was. It felt lived in.

"Make yourself at home," Kevin said absently when he unlocked the door. His keys he dropped onto a table once he was inside, his coat soon following. "You know that already."

AJ just headed toward the couch in the main room, sinking into its sagging cushions. Sag was comfort.

Waiting for the sound of the TV to turn on, Kevin grabbed the phone off the hook and headed toward the back hall, farthest out of AJ's range. He stuck his head into one of the bedrooms as he started to slowly dial the number.

"Hey Bri?" he tried softly. But the younger was already lying in bed, and he was sound asleep even though he was still dressed. Kevin shook his head with a slight smile and flipped the light off as the number started to ring.

The woman's voice who picked up sounded tired.

"Hey, Denise? It's Kevin."

"Kevin," she greeted, voice sounded suddenly hopeful. "Is AJ ..."

"Yeah, he's with me." Kevin shut the door to Brian's room half way, moving down the hall. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine ... He say anything to you?"

"I didn't ask. Did something happen?"

She let out a breath, feeling the need to tell someone. Even if that someone were twenty years her junior. "I had a friend over for dinner ... he and AJ must have had something between when I left the room, and AJ took off. I'm not sure what really happened between them, Ivan left pretty quick."

Kevin rubbed the side of his face tiredly. "He's alright. He can stay here tonight, if that's alright with you."

"That's fine." Her voice sounded as tired as he felt. "Thanks, Kevin. Not just for tonight, for looking out for him lately."

He frowned slightly. "No problem, he's a good kid."

"Yeah, he is ... You're good for him; he needs more guys in his life. God knows the ones I try don't work out." She quickly cleared her throat before he could answer. "Anyway, thanks for calling. I appreciate it."

"Not a problem," Kevin repeated. "Take care of yourself, alright?"

"You too. Good night."

"Night," he echoed, clicking off the phone. Somehow, after that conversation, he felt like there something else going on with that than what was just on the surface.

He just couldn't put his finger on it.

He tried to not think about it as he left the hallway and dropped the phone back in its cradle. "Hey Aje, you wanna crash here tonight?"

The kid looked at him, and he could see on his face that he wanted to say yes but wasn't sure. "Can I call my mom?" he asked finally. "I wanna make sure she's okay."

"Yeah ... I think that's a good idea. Phone's in the kitchen."

AJ quickly hopped off the couch and Kevin sank down into a chair, reaching for the controller that was left behind. He had been waiting for that. In the short time he'd known AJ, he at least knew the kid was real close to Denise.

Only about five minutes of flipping passed before AJ was back.

"She's tired lately," AJ told him with a frown. "She has to work a lot."

Kevin nodded slightly. "Your mom's a good lady."

A smile flickered across AJ's face as he took his seat back on the couch. "She's a real good lady," he said seriously. There was a moment's pause. "It's too bad the only guys she finds are dick-headed bastards."

"Hey," Kevin interrupted. "Don't say that."

"It's true." AJ's gaze hardened slightly and for a second Kevin thought that he might spill that night's story. Maybe he didn't need Howie after all.

But nothing came.

"Let me tell you something, alright?"

AJ nodded slightly.

"I know it's hard watching your mom with guys, but sometimes, even if you don't think they're right, it's better to let her decide for herself."

AJ narrowed his eyes, frowning slightly. "What do you know about it?"

The little they knew about each other. "You'd be surprised."

AJ didn't answer.

"It can take awhile to see if someone's right for someone else. Especially if it's someone you really care about."

"Not if the person is a dick," AJ muttered.

Kevin just shook his head, hiding a smile. "You may be right, but they're gonna have to see it themselves first." He leaned back in his chair. "My girlfriend, Laura-"

"Ex."

"What?"

"Ex-girlfriend."

Kevin chuckled. "Right, ex. Brian hated her. God, he hated her. He let me know that from the beginning."

"But you hate her now too, right?"

Kevin shook his head. Not going there. "My point is that I had to see for myself that she wasn't for me, on top of him telling me."

AJ stayed silent.

"This have something to do with tonight?"

AJ nodded slightly. "I think my mom knew he was a dick too. He left anyway. I don't think he'll come back."

"What happened?"

"I don't think he liked me to begin with but I think I ruined his Armani so I doubt he'll risk it again."

"Ruined his Armani?"

"Wine stains, doesn't it?"

Kevin just chuckled. "Man ..."

"I want her to be happy," AJ said, turning serious again. "But it's not worth her getting hurt over it." He quickly picked up the controller Kevin had dropped back on the table, flipping the channel.

Kevin took it as a sign that the conversation was over. He leaned his head back and shut his eyes. Where was Howie?

"Damn," AJ exclaimed suddenly.

Kevin opened his eyes in time to see that it was mating season on the Discovery channel.

"I didn't know giraffes-"

"AJ," he interrupted, catching the controller.

"It's the miracle of life," AJ objected as the channel changed. His face had a look of shock on it though. "They do it like that?"

"Man, I'm not a giraffe expert. Watch Disney or something."

"Disney's for kids," AJ muttered. He stopped on cartoons.

Kevin just shook his head. "Listen, you can crash in here, alright? The couch pulls out."

AJ just nodded absently. "Thanks, Kev."

"Sure."

-

There were a couple late nights the next week, and AJ began to wonder if there was ever a limit on how much overtime a single person could work. Every night she looked more tired, more drawn. He wondered if they even needed the money that bad.

He missed her.

He told her that too, the nights when she called to tell him she would be running late. Her voice always seemed to catch when she told him that she missed him too.

But he figured it couldn't last forever. Soon she'd probably be back on her old schedule and they could eat dinner together, instead of him heating up leftover pizza for her when she came home. He wasn't even sure if she ever ate it.

"They're gonna make you sick," he told her. It was Thursday, and she was going to be late again.

"I'm fine, baby. Don't worry about me. Did you finish all your homework?"

He wouldn't know about homework. "Sure."

"I shouldn't be as late tonight. I'll see you soon."

"You're okay?"

"I'm fine."

But something wasn't. It wasn't right. It made him mad. But he just turned up the radio and told himself to worry about other things. There were tons of other things to worry about besides his family.

The phone about six-thirty, and he picked it up with the radio still on.

"Did your evil boss let you go?"

"AJ?" It was Howie, not his mother.

"Oh hey, D."

"Got some news."

"Yeah?"

"Lou found a management company."

It took a second to register, and then he couldn't help the smile that crossed his face. "Really?"

"Really."

"We're in, man!"

"We were thinking about going out some place to celebrate, you wanna come? I can swing by and pick you up."

"Yeah, I'll just call my mom."

"Okay, I'll see you in a few."

AJ let out a whoop when he hung up the phone. They were in, both feet through the door. It was becoming real. He could hardly dial his mother's work number.

"Hello?"

"Is Denise McLean there?"

"I'm sorry, she left about twenty minutes ago. Can I take a message?"

AJ frowned slightly. "Are you sure?"

"Positive."

"I thought she was working late tonight?"

Some papers could be heard being flipped through. "Nope, not tonight."

"Oh- okay ... Thanks."

He hung up the phone slowly as a strange feeling went through him, a sinking in his stomach. He felt sick.

She'd lied. His mother had lied to him.

-

"I'm gonna be rich."

"I'm gonna buy a house."

"I'm gonna buy a car."

"You can't even drive," Brian interrupted.

Nick licked a bit of ice cream off his spoon. "So?"

"So you can't use it. You gotta buy something you'll use."

"Then I'll buy a boat."

"Can you drive a boat?"

"Yes," came the younger's answer, a little defensively. He smiled slightly as Kevin dropped an extra cherry on his sundae and then gave Brian a look. "I'll buy a yacht."

"What kind of yacht?"

"I don't know, a big one," Nick said. "What are you gonna buy?"

Brian had to think about it for a second. He held his spoon up with a grin when it came to him. "Madison Square Garden."

Kevin started to laugh.

"What?" Brian gave him a confused look.

"We get a record company and suddenly you think you're gonna own Madison Square Garden."

"Well not right away."

"You got that right."

Brian made a slight face. "You don't like making plans?"

"It's not that. Can't I laugh at you?"

"If you're not making fun of me," Brian allowed.

Kevin smiled slightly.

"What about you, huh AJ?" Howie had been watching his younger friend for several minutes, and the only thing that changed about the distracted picture was that the ice cream was now melting.

The other three eyes drifted on him, and AJ suddenly looked up. "What?"

"What're your plans?" Brian repeated. "What're you gonna buy?"

"For what?"

The last ten minutes of conversation were obviously lost on him.

"Eat your ice cream," Kevin interrupted, frowning slightly. Something else was on the kid's mind other than the good news, that much was evident.

"Can I have your cherry?" Nick's blue eyes were watching the forgotten sundae that was melting away.

Kevin flicked the back of his head gently. "Let him eat it."

"He can have it," AJ said absently, fishing it out with his spoon. "I don't really want it."

Just looking at the ice cream was making him sick. He couldn't even get the word celebrate to stick in his mind long enough to get that excited feeling back into his stomach.

"Alright, spill," he heard Howie say. When he looked up, he realized it was just the two of them at the table. He started to get up.

"When'd they leave?"

"Couple minutes ago," Howie said, catching his arm. "What's bugging you, huh?"

AJ stilled. "Nothing, man. Why?"

The older man smiled slightly, sadly almost. "Because I can tell something's bothering you. Something's been bothering you."

Not really until that night.

"Can we get out of here?" He didn't want to look at any more ice cream.

"Yeah, c'mon."

In the car though, the same question still hovered in the air. It was like a heavy cloud. And to be honest, he really didn't know the answer.

"I'm happy, really," he stressed. He didn't want Howie to worry, and he knew the older man would. He always did. "I've just got some stuff on my mind, that's all."

"If you ever want to lighten the load at all, you know I'm here, buddy."

"Yeah," AJ mumbled. Howie wasn't starting the car, so he reached over and turned the key that was sitting in the ignition. The engine on the old vehicle sputtered to life.

Howie shook his head slightly, but took that as the hint of the conversation's end. He eased the car out into the street slowly.

"You wanna go home?"

AJ nodded absently, chewing the side of his thumbnail. He felt like driving around aimlessly, but you couldn't exactly ask someone to do that for you.

As Howie dropped him off, he noticed her car in her spot.

"Call me if you need anything," Howie was saying.

"Thanks." He shut the car door and trudged forward across the lot.

Howie watched him a second before pulling away, tapping his fingers against the steering wheel. Talk about a mystery.

She was up when he unlocked the door to the apartment and stepped inside, he hadn't expected any less. What he didn't expect was the expression on her face.

"Where were you?"

"Where were you," he challenged back, tossing his jacket on the back of the couch. His brown eyes had a look of fire in them.

"Working."

"Bull."

"Alex-" Her reprimand was cut off almost immediately.

"I called you. To tell you where I was. Funny you weren't working late tonight."

Denise looked pale. "I was working," she repeated.

"Where, with Ivan?"

She held up a finger at the sarcastic remark, the anger in her eyes suddenly matching his. "Don't talk back."

He quieted. If there was one thing ingrained in him, it was to not disrespect his mother. He respected her too much for that. But tonight, he felt betrayed. "You lied," he mumbled, and with that, he fled. He wasn't up for arguing.

As the door to his room shut behind him, his hand instinctively twisted the lock without even thinking about it. He took heaving breaths, not even trying to clear his mind. He knew any second there would be a knock on the door.

What surprised him the most was when it didn't come. He stopped the pacing he hadn't even known he'd started and just stood there a second.

About a minute passed and he went to the door, unlocking it quietly and slipping into the hallway. He listened for a sound, any sound, but heard nothing.

What he found was his mother, sitting in the same spot he'd left her, but with evidence of recent tears. He felt crushed.

"Ma," he started softly, moving quickly to move in next to her on the couch. He didn't object to his mother's arms wrapping around him. A sense of guilt washed over him, erasing any remnants of anger from before. "I'm sorry ..."

"I'm sorry too, baby," she whispered.

"I didn't mean what I said."

"I know..." Denise took in a small breath. "I want you to know, I didn't lie to you. I was in a different department, not in my usual one ..."

"It's okay."

She let out the small breath when the words were so easily excepted. Her son's trust almost made her feel worse.

"Don't be sad," he told her, kissing her on the cheek. She just gave a trace of a smile.

"I'm not sad."

"You are, I can tell." He pulled away slightly. "But I have good news."

"You do, do you."

"The reason I was out ... we were celebratin', me and the guys."

"Celebrating?"

"We got a management company!" He shook her arm excitedly, missing the pained look that crossed her face as he did so. A smile followed so quickly that it was lost.

"That's great, honey!" She hugged him tightly, kissing the side of his head. "I knew you'd do it. Congratulations."

"I don't remember who it is, but it's good, really good." He was grinning now, letting himself celebrate, almost bouncing in his seat. "Isn't it really good?"

She was nodding, even happier for him than he was for himself. "You're amazing," she told him, kissing him again.

"You're never gonna have to work again," he told her. "Never." He smiled again. "I'm gonna go to bed. Night, mom."

"Night ..."

-

Having the company meant more scheduling. It meant having more things to be at- meetings, shoots, practices. The first week flew by so fast he almost didn't even have time to think.

On Friday he got the phone call.

"Is Ms. McLean there please?"

AJ could hear typing in the background of the bored voice, so he knew it was some sort of secretary or business. "No, who's calling?"

When he heard the name of his school his stomach sort of did a flop. "Is there a better time to reach her?" the woman was asking. He wanted to say no.

"This time tomorrow," he lied. She wouldn't be home then either.

"Thank you ..."

He hung up the phone and stared at it a second. Took them long enough. It had become so routine that he'd almost forgotten that there really actually was someplace for him to be at everyday.

He shook his head. Stupid people.

-

Other people weren't so stupid. Not as easy-going as Howie anyway.

AJ was a little surprised when he saw Kevin's truck instead of the customary beat-up Oldsmobile, but he took it in stride.

"Howie had to finish something up at Uni so I came instead," Kevin was explaining as he pulled open the passenger door.

AJ just nodded absently as he slid into the seat.

"I got a question for you."

AJ nodded again, reaching for the radio knob. It was a habit he couldn't break.

"You don't come from the front of the school like the other kids," was the first statement.

It made him a little nervous, but having already faced Howie with the same question, AJ just repeated the same answer. "I have PE last period, so we're outside."

Kevin just nodded slightly as he pulled out of the parking lot, expression not changing. "I didn't see any other kids storing their backpacks in the bushes."

AJ's hand froze for a second on the knob. Damn. He started turning back to stations in the other direction quickly.

"AJ ... quit with the radio for a second." Kevin pushed his hand away from the knob as he made a right turn at the intersection. "Something's up."

AJ didn't answer.

Kevin flipped off the radio. "Aje."

"What?"

"You have PE outside last period."

"Yeah."

"Everyday."

"Yeah."

"And so you stash your bag in the bushes."

AJ nodded. There. The old man had figured the whole thing out himself. It made sense. It could work. He reached back for the radio knob.

"Don't think so, kid."

"Leave it, Kevin. It's none of your business."

Kevin just shook his head. He didn't really know if it was his business or not. It had to be someone's. "Not smart, man."

"What's not smart?"

"Doing what you're doing."

AJ just scowled. "What am I doing?"

There was a moment of silence.

Kevin slowed the car as he approached a red light, turning to look at the annoyed kid in the seat next to him. "You like what we're doing?"

AJ frowned. "Fighting?"

"No. With the guys."

AJ didn't answer, he figured the answer was obvious.

Kevin stepped on the gas. "Then I'd quit messing around, it's gonna catch up to you."

"I'm not messin' around ..." AJ flipped the radio back on. He didn't need a lecture from the guy. "Seriously, stop."

-

"He's been skipping."

"Skipping?"

Kevin leaned back in the couch and pulled his feet up on the coffee table, knocking junk out of the way to make room. "As in school."

Howie stared at him.

"You had no idea?"

"Well I had an idea ..." Howie just shook his head. "I sort of asked him about it last week ... of course he didn't say he was. He told you?"

Kevin shook his head no. "Deductive reasoning."

"Maybe he's not."

"D, gimme a break. I don't put it past him, do you?"

Howie shrugged slightly. "I'm just kinda surprised."

"I think you should approach him about it."

"Me?"

"He listens to you."

"He'll listen to you too. I think this is something his mom should handle anyway."

"She's sorta-"

A bouncing basketball entering the room cut him off.

"I was gonna go shoot some hoops, do you wanna ..." Brian trailed off, catching the ball. "Did I interrupt something?"

Kevin waved him off. "Go."

Brian hesitated in leaving. "How come I'm not in on the pow-wow?"

They didn't answer.

"Is it about me?"

"No," Kevin said, shooing him with his hand again.

"Who's it about?"

"Git already."

Brian made a face at him but left the room anyway. He wasn't included in anything. Even though he was Kevin's flesh and blood, he really felt like the odd one out in the apartment sometimes. He figured it was being the youngest.

Howie waited until after he heard the front door close. "What about his mom?"

"Doesn't something seem wrong? She seems run down."

"She is run down."

"Aside from that, you know what I mean."

"Yeah ... but I don't know. Everybody has their down times. Maybe it's a bad anniversary or something for them."

"I guess so. Something just doesn't feel right."

"Well a lot of stuff's changing lately, maybe it has to do with that. The new contract and all that. I think we're all sorta worrying about things."

"Yeah ..." Kevin shook his head slightly. The younger man had some sort of explanation or reason for everything. Nothing seemed so bad out of his mouth. He leaned his head back against the couch and scanned the room tiredly. "This place is a mess."

"Yeah ..." Howie nodded, smiling slightly. "Pretty much."

-

AJ was sleeping when the phone rang. It was loud enough to wake him up. He almost didn't want to answer it. But he clicked it on, pulling off his headphones as an afterthought. "Hello?"

"Is Denise there?"

AJ frowned. Denise. "Who's this?"

"Michael Phelps, is this AJ?"

Another guy. He was sick of guys. He avoided the question. "She's not here, she's at work."

"Well would you tell her Dr. Phelps called when she gets in?"

Great, now it was a doctor. They kept getting better and better. This guy probably really thought his mother was after his money.

"Look man, I hate to break it to you. She doesn't want to see you anymore, end of relationship. Find someone else."

He clicked off the phone without waiting for a reply.

-

He really wasn't sure what was going on. It was a long meeting, he had tried to pay somewhat attention in the beginning, but after awhile he gave up and starting thinking of other things.

He couldn't help it. He figured the important stuff would come up a second time, so it wasn't really a big deal anyway.

Someone leaned into him. Nick.

"What does that mean?"

"What does what mean." His whispered voice matched Nick's.

"What they just said."

"What did they just say?" AJ hissed impatiently. Nick kept asking him what everything meant, and he wasn't even paying attention.

Nick thought for a second, brow furrowed. "I don't remember."

AJ shook his head and wondered why he was the one being asked anyway. Kevin was on Nick's other side.

The man at the desk in front of them was saying something about European music trends in the past few years. It had nothing to do with them.

His eyes drifted to the window at the side of the room. Everyone was pretty much focused on the man talking, except for him and Nick. When he noticed that Howie's chair blocked his view from the guy, he slowly reached down at his feet for his backpack, quietly unzipping it and pulling out a school notebook he hadn't touched for about two weeks.

Nick was watching him curiously out of the corner of his eye, and when he saw a blank page flipped open and the frame for hangman being drawn, a smile crossed his face.

Kevin glanced over at the sound of the clean page being turned to, frowning slightly. He hadn't expected them to be entirely focused, but the least they could do was pretend. When he tapped Nick's leg in warning, the kid scooted away from him and closer to AJ.

"A," Nick whispered after AJ finished his spaces.

A head appeared hanging in the frame.

"C?"

Several letters and two hanged men later, the message read, "I hope this thing ends before I'm thirty."

Nick nodded in agreement and quietly pulled the notebook onto his lap for his own turn. When he reached for the pen though, the notebook was confiscated.

Out of reflex he quickly elbowed Kevin in the side, almost forgetting they were in a meeting. The older man caught his arm firmly and held out his other hand for the pen.

After handing it over, Nick was surprised when both objects were both returned momentarily. 'Please be good,' was printed on the bottom of the page, under the hangman. He glanced at Kevin, but the man's attention was focused back on the burly man at the front of the room.

"Here," AJ muttered, taking the notebook back and stuffing it back in his bag as discreetly as he could. He thought he saw the speaker's eyes dart his way, but he wasn't sure.

His eyes drifted to the window again, and he started thinking about his mother. She hadn't gone to work today, she had stayed home. She was dizzy and nauseous; she said she was coming down with something. The flu was going around.

Suddenly, the talking stopped. He turned his head, catching the door closing behind the man. It was over.

"Man," Brian was saying. "He could have said all that in five minutes."

AJ was getting to his feet, pulling his bag up with him. He needed to stretch.

The desk had a lot of papers on it, it was strewn with them actually. AJ moved closer to get a better look, his hand automatically reaching for a drawer.

"Hey," Howie chided.

He brought his hand back, resignedly scanning the random collage of papers. None of them seemed interesting. Small print, long paragraphs. He shifted his feet.

"Can we go?"

"We just have to sign something."

"And read it. Read before you sign," Kevin interrupted.

AJ just shot a glance at him. They were going to be there forever if the papers on the desk were any sort of indication. He pulled at the collar of his shirt irritatedly. He might as well sit down again.

-

Denise was sleeping when he got home, he found her in her bed beneath a mass of quilts, her face peaceful against the pillow. He leaned down to kiss her on the forehead, and her eyes fluttered open.

"Hi sweetie," she whispered.

"Hey." He was studying her tired eyes, but forced a small smile. "Are you feeling better?"

She nodded slightly. "I think I just needed to rest ..."

"Can I get you anything?"

She shook her head. "How was your meeting?" She tried to sit up a little, but the movement caused a new sudden wave of nausea that she tried to hide.

"Long." He hadn't noticed. "It went good though I think."

"I'm glad. Any paperwork?"

"Some ... I put it in the kitchen. No rush."

She smiled at him, shaking her head slightly.

"You sure you don't need anything?"

"I'm sure." She pushed at him gently, a faint smile on her face.

"I'll check on you later," he said, turning as he got to the door. She nodded only slightly, her eyes already closing for another round of sleep. He watched her for a minute before leaving the room. Damn flu.

The only good thing about it was that she wasn't working, she was at home with him.

The paperwork he had left in the kitchen was now like trying to find Waldo. Instead of starting to read the stuff he had brought home for her to look at and sign, he started clearing away the random dishes and glasses into the dishwasher. It was the least he could do.

By the time he'd finished throwing away old newspapers and random papers so that the countertop could be seen, he didn't even feel like reading the stuff he'd brought back. He just grabbed a Coke from the fridge and headed to the couch in the main room.

-

Next thing he knew, he was waking up.

His coke had spilled on him, and he set the can on the coffee table, irritated. The apartment was really quiet. As he got to his feet and started toward his mom's bedroom, he had a feeling he wouldn't find her there even before he saw the empty bed.

He frowned slightly, a little confused. His bearings were a little set off by the unscheduled sleep he'd gotten.

In the kitchen he found a note.

'Thanks for cleaning, that was really thoughtful. I had to run to the office for something, I love you -Mom.'

He rolled his eyes. Even with the flu she was going to work? It didn't make any sense to him.

He felt like a traitor as he picked up the phone and called her office, but he didn't know what else to do. No, they told him, she wasn't expected to come to the office. No, she wasn't around. Sure, they would have her give him a call if she showed up.

He never got any call.

When she came back a couple hours later that night, she looked even more tired than she had before. AJ felt guilty for thinking of asking her anything. He noticed the white folder in her hand and realized they probably just never gave her the message at the office.

"You okay?" he asked from the couch. He had changed his shirt and sat there to wait.

"Fine, baby."

"I'll make you soup," he offered.

Her face almost looked green at the prospect. "I think I'm just going back to bed, AJ. Thank you though."

"Uh huh." He didn't move, not sure what to do.

He didn't sleep much that night. He heard her getting up several times that night, trekking back and forth to the bathroom. He laid in bed for awhile and then finally got up.

He caught her coming back from the bathroom.

"You want anything, momma?" he whispered.

She jumped at the sudden voice, but forced a smile. "Go back to bed."

"You always take care of me."

She let him help her back to her room.

"Maybe it's just a twenty-four hour bug," he said as he brought her a soda a few minutes later.

"I hope so," she said. "You don't worry, just go back to bed, alright? I'll be fine."

"Okay..." He watched her for a minute. "Night."

"Night."

-

A week went by and the flu didn't go away even though Denise claimed she was getting better. It wasn't a twenty-four hour thing, that was for sure, but some flu's stuck with you for a bit, that was all.

The one day off from work was all she needed, or so she said, and so the regular routine was back to how it had recently been shaping itself.

During that time, Phelps called several times, and each time AJ told him the same thing. Get lost. Sometimes he just hung up.

One time he pretended to be an answering machine, but the guy saw right through it.

"Where's your mother?"

"Bee-ep," AJ repeated.

"Why haven't you been giving her my messages?"

AJ didn't answer.

"It's important. Can you tell her I called?"

"Look man, she's been through this one too many times. If she wants to talk to you, I'm sure she'll call you."

"She doesn't have my new num-"

AJ hung up. Some people just didn't know when to quit.

His school called several times too. One time the woman actually fell for the answering machine bit. It was great. He had a big smile on his face when he hung up the phone that time.

Some people were clueless.

-

It was a dinner out, just the two of them. A mother-son date sort of, something they really hadn't had a lot of time for in the past several months. It used to be their fun.

"So what's up? I feel like we haven’t gotten to talk in so long."

AJ shrugged at his mother's question. "Not too much. How about you?"

"Not too much either."

"Have you met anybody new?" He felt like the question was baiting, but he set it out anyway.

Denise shook her head.

"You sure?"

"Yes, why?"

"Nothing..." He hesitated, playing with the silverware in front of him. "I just want you to be happy."

She smiled, just slightly. "I think I'm gonna take a break from the guy scene right now. How about you? I haven't heard anything about your dating life lately." She said it with a teasing tone.

"Too busy," he said, looking away. She didn't talk about her love life, he wasn't going to talk about his. Lack thereof anyway.

"What about the guys?" she tried. "What's new with them?" That was the right key to open the door. Denise relaxed back in her chair, an involuntary smile starting from her eyes and moving across her face as she listened to her son's animated talk.

-

"What about Wednesdays and Saturdays, that alright with everyone?"

AJ waited for everyone else to agree and then nodded himself. It was easier for him to concentrate on the echoing of Brian's basketball on the hard floor than the conversation they were having.

"It's exciting, huh?" Howie said to him.

"Yeah ..."

"It's all gonna start moving quickly now, you'll see."

AJ nodded absently. They were going to start recording some demos under the new management, and then it would go from there.

"How's your mom doing?"

AJ pulled his baseball cap down lower, the shadow hiding his eyes. "Better. It's the flu."

Howie nodded sympathetically. "That's going around the campus too. Stay healthy."

AJ nodded and shifted down in his seat, stretching his legs out as Howie left his side. Less than a second later a shadow fell over him.

"Pick a card, any card." Nick was holding out a bunch of cards, face-down.

AJ rolled his eyes but picked one.

"Okay, look at it but don't show me."

"This is stupid, Nicky, you just look at the one that's out of order."

"So?"

"I have a better game..." Brian pushed Nick from behind. "You know how to play fifty-two pick-up?"

Nick shook his head.

"You wanna play?"

Nick nodded, but AJ shook his head. He knew what was coming.

Brian shot a smile at AJ and then let the deck of cards fall from his hand. They fluttered to the ground in an unorganized mess, scattering everywhere.

"Fifty-two pick-up," he said with a smile.

AJ had to laugh as Nick's expression changed from surprise to annoyance. He gave the kid's shirt a tug. "Now you 'pick-up'."

"You pick up."

"I said I wasn't playin'."

"That's not fair."

"That's the game," Brian said with a smile. He couldn't help but tease his young friend. He was too much fun. "You wanted to play."

"Not anymore."

"You still gotta pick up."

"Pick up what? Pick up Nick?" Kevin joined the three, sliding his hands under Nick's arms to do so, but the boy immediately elbowed him away. "Whoa ..."

"Fifty-two pick-up."

Kevin shot his cousin a look as the cards on the floor were noticed for the first time. "Brian." The one word said it all.

Brian's face was all innocence.

AJ laughed and Kevin glanced at him, a smile playing on his lips.

"You're all nuts," he said.

-

"Can I talk to you for a minute?"

It was the tone of her voice made him stop. Something was up. It made him a little nervous really.

"Okay ..."

"Sit."

She wasn't annoyed with him often, so when he saw how serious she was, it made him curious. She had found out something.

"I got a call at work," she said, giving him a look. As if he should know what that meant.

AJ was busy wondering how the person ever got through to her there, he hardly could anymore.

"You've been lying to me." She sounded sad, not angry.

He just stared at her, still not fully understanding. "I don't lie."

"When was the last time you were in school?"

AJ felt the surprise cross his face.

"That's what I thought." She shook her head at him. "Why, AJ? I don't understand ... Where do you go?"

It was pure worry, not anger. She was wondering where the heck he was hanging out. And where had all her words underlining the importance of education gone.

"I'll go back," he said quickly, feeling guilty. "I'm sorry."

"That's not the point."

"You lied too."

Denise frowned. "What?"

"You lied. You're with somebody, and you haven't told me. You haven't been working late, you've been with him. That damn Phelps guy." He was glaring at her now.

She was shaking her head at him, face blanched.

"And you've been lying to me the whole time, telling me you were working overtime. Well guess what, I needed you too, okay?"

"Honey, Phelps is a doctor."

"I know. I bet he thinks you want his fucking money too."

"What?"

He just stared straight at her, eyes hard.

"AJ-"

"Don't, okay? Forget it." He jumped up, ready to escape, but she stopped him.

"I'm sick."

"You've had the worst flu since..."

"I have cancer."

Everything stopped. The angry brown eyes lost all their anger as they slowly shifted back to her. He felt sick. "What?"

"Do you know what that is?"

Of course he knew. Who didn't know.

"Aunt Jackie had cancer," he said slowly.

Aunt Jackie was dead.

Something had gotten sucked out of him right then, and it felt someone was trying to pull out more where there was nothing left. His stomach felt like he had just fallen from a thirty story building.

He quickly sat back down.

"Jackie had a different kind. There are lots of kinds. Hers was very bad."

"Is yours bad?"

"I'm getting better," came the quiet answer. The inconclusive, quiet answer.

"You lied to me when you never told me."

And then she was crying. He had made his mother cry.

It wasn't the sobbing, tears rolling down the face sort of crying, but it was crying nonetheless.

He felt horrible.

"I'm sorry," he said, reaching for her. "I'm sorry." He didn't know what to say. "I'm sorry." It was on the third repetition that his voice broke and his own tears threatened to break the dam he was quickly trying to build.

The only thing that kept the dam stronger than the gallons of tears was that he didn't want to let her see him cry. Wasn't he supposed to be the strong one? She was the one who was sick.

The words sounded foreign to his ears.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I was waiting ... I didn't want to worry you, I wanted to wait until I thought I was getting better. I've been going for treatments, after work. Maybe I was wrong in keeping it from you ..."

"You were." He couldn't help but say it, even with the pain he saw in her eyes. She had kept a secret from him. "Are you?"

Her eyes were questioning.

"Better? You told me."

The hesitation was obvious. "The treatments are helping ... But I'm still sick."

"Maybe you're not," he said. "Maybe they're wrong."

"Oh AJ," she whispered.

"They can be wrong." The tears were finally coming. He couldn't help it.

"It's okay, sh ... I'm gonna be fine."

"I know." But he didn't. He only said it because he wanted her to be.

He wiped his eyes quickly with his sleeve and started to get to his feet. Dizziness.

"I ... have to go." He mumbled something about Howie needing him for something and fled from the room. When he was out of her sight, the dam broke.

-

In a car, it took about ten or fifteen minutes to get from his apartment to where Howie lived. That was without any major traffic jams and maybe a random red light.

AJ wasn't sure how long it took him on foot, or what he was even doing walking there at night, all he knew was that he was tired when he got there. For a minute or two, he just stood in front of the door. By that time he had cried all the tears he thought he possibly ever could, and repeated the dreamlike conversation with his mother through his mind over and over again.

So it was there at the time he was standing in front of the door that he realized his mother had lied. Again. She had done it once, what was stopping her from doing it again?

He rapped hard on the door with his knuckles, not even registering the pain.

Why would his mom pick such an awful thing to lie about?

"AJ?" Brian had pulled open the door and was looking him over with a little frown. He seemed to look to the right and left as if he expected AJ to be with someone, but no one else was there.

"Is Howie home?" At that point AJ was chewing on the inside of his cheek nervously.

"Yeah ..." Brian pulled the door open wider to let him in, noticing in the light his tear-stained face and tired, rumpled appearance. "Everything okay?"

AJ just nodded silently and slid past him through the hallway.

"He and Kev are watching TV," Brian offered, but the younger man had already beaten him to it.

"Howie?" His voice was soft, uncertain, almost shaking. It was nothing like him.

Howie's head turned quickly, as did Kevin's, who lowered the volume on the TV. "Hey you," Howie greeted, taking in the appearance the same way Brian had at the door. He tried to word himself carefully. "What're you doing here?"

"Can I stay over?"

"Yeah ... of course," Howie allowed, motioning him to come closer. He didn't move. "What's up?"

"Nothing."

"Why are you crying?" Kevin hadn't spoken until then, but he cut to the chase.

"I don't cry," AJ said seriously. His brown eyes were steady, unblinking.

Kevin glanced at Howie then, leaning back into the couch and deciding to leave the questions up to him. His territory seemed to be marked off with a distinct red line.

"You can sit down you know," Brian told AJ as a lull of silence began. He gave the younger man a slight push as he moved past him back to where he had been on the couch.

AJ slowly approached a chair and sank into it, letting a long breath. He wasn't sure what to do. He had wanted to talk to Howie, but that didn't seem like a good idea anymore. He didn't want to leave though, since he didn't have any place else to go.

"Did your mom drop you off?"

AJ looked up from the spot on the carpet he had been studying, his eyes struggling to come back into focus. "My mom," he said slowly, "has the flu."

Howie nodded slightly, wondering why he was being told this again. "I know, man."

"Yeah, so ..." AJ trailed off and went back to staring at the spot on the carpet.

Kevin was busy putting two and two together as Brian slowly tugged the remote control out of his hand. "You shouldn't walk here at night. You shouldn't walk here period."

Howie glanced at AJ. "You walked here?"

"I don't want to watch basketball," AJ started, ignoring Howie's comment as the TV turned to the sports' channel and the volume was turned up.

Brian hardly glanced at him. "Too bad."

"Not now, pal," Kevin interrupted, easily taking the controller back and turning the volume down. "We're talking."

"He doesn't want to talk." Brian fought to get the controller back but finally got up from the couch and turned the volume up on the TV manually.

Kevin watched him, silently.

"AJ," Howie started. "Does she know-"

"Look, why don't you listen to Brian for once." AJ's look was hard, but only for several fleeting seconds.

"I know you didn't come here just to sit and stare at the TV."

"Maybe I did. Maybe your couch is more comfortable than mine." AJ reached up out of habit to feel for his hat and then dropped his hand, staring at Howie. It wasn't there. "Howie," he said suddenly.

Howie gave him a questioning look, frowning at the new look on his friend's face. He had suddenly turned white.

"I'm ..."

"You alright?" Kevin reached over to touch his knee but the kid caught him off-guard by jumping up in a hurry.

"I'm gonna be sick."

He fled from the room and they heard the sound of the bathroom door shutting loudly.

There was silence.

"Flu?" Brian offered, still standing in front of the TV.

Howie and Kevin both turned to look at him, not saying anything.

-

In what felt like hours, there was hollow knocking at the door.

"AJ?"

He ignored the voice, sinking his face into his knees, still in the spot he had unceremoniously dropped himself after offering up the contents of his stomach to the porcelain gods. The tile floor was cold underneath him.

"Alex." The door was tried, found to be open, and pushed just so it slowly creaked ajar. Cautiously.

Howie crouched down, close, but keeping distance.

"You alright?"

AJ didn't answer, his face still hidden into his knees. His breathing was heavy, his eyes were watering. He felt like he was having a heart attack.

"We have to talk," Howie said slowly. "Didn't you come to talk to me?"

Rather than answer, AJ pulled the neck of his shirt over his head.

"Aje." No answer. Howie heard the clock from the kitchen ticking, the faint sound of Brian and Kevin talking inside, but everything in the tiny bathroom was silent. "Are you done in here?"

AJ shook his head under the shirt.

"You think you're gonna be sick again?"

AJ nodded. His stomach was churning. He could definitely be sick again.

Howie was trying to think of what to say when Kevin appeared in the doorway. He looked at AJ for a minute and then held his pinkie and thumb up to his ear like a phone. "Should I call Mom?" he mouthed.

Howie nodded and Kevin moved out of the door, AJ never even noticing his presence.

"Hey, buddy," Howie tried.

AJ heard the sound of the phone being picked up in the hall and lifted his head for the first time. "My mom's a liar," he whispered hoarsely, pulling his shirt back down.

"You wanna get out of the bathroom?"

"She lies. About everything."

"AJ, your mom's always honest with you."

The younger shook his head, brown eyes looking like they held every secret of the world, secrets that no one else would ever know. "Not anymore."

"What's that mean?"

"It means she's not honest, okay? She's a fucking liar."

Howie frowned. "Don't cuss like that."

"It's true."

"AJ-"

"I'm sick."

Howie watched him a minute. "Seems that way."

"Very sick." AJ started to pick himself off the cold floor, shying away from Howie's offer of help. He was dizzy. "I think I'm really sick," he told him, as if realizing it for the first time.

Howie just looked at him. "Why don't you lie down for a little while?"

"That's not gonna help." AJ slid past him through the doorway and nearly collided with Kevin, who was coming back from hanging up the phone. "That's not gonna help," he repeated as his upper arms were caught by the man. He needed balance.

Kevin frowned. "What's not gonna help?"

"That. Calling."

"Who was I calling?"

"My ma. My mom's a liar, so ... w-whatever she told you it was a lie. Okay?"

Kevin didn't answer right away, instead he steered the younger man back inside toward the couch. He dropped down, pulling AJ right in next to him.

"You feel okay?"

"I'm having a heart attack," AJ said seriously. "Can you get a heart attack from smoking?"

Kevin draped his arm around the kid, drawing him closer. "That wouldn't be a worry of yours, would it."

"I think it might be. I think it really might be."

Brian brushed up against Howie leaning in the doorway, his eyes on the couch. "Is the kid okay?"

"I don't know, something's up."

"Maybe he caught the flu from his mom."

"I think he's making himself sick."

"Oh ..." Brian's brow furrowed though, not really understanding. "Over what?"

"I don't know ..."

-

"Hey Alex... How're you doing?"

AJ eyed a small boy in a wheelchair that was with his father before bringing his eyes back to the nurse at the receptionist's desk.

"I'm very sick."

Her expression didn't change at all, she just scanned the almost empty waiting room. It wasn't a busy day, the man could deal with one child's psycho-somatic sickness. "Okay, take a seat, I'll see if the doctor can see you."

AJ nodded, watching her as she picked up the phone and whispered something inaudible. Before he even sat down, she was hanging up the phone and looking up.

"Okay, he'll see you, why don't you go in?"

It was a small room with a large window across one wall, exploring a view of the parking lot below. A stainless steel sink and cabinets were at one end on the left, and on the right was an examining bed that lined the wall, pictures and certificates behind it.

It was there that AJ found himself directed to.

"So how’re we doing, Mr. McLean?" It was a small practice, and the slightly overweight, ruddy-complexioned man knew most of his patients on a first name basis. He gave AJ a friendly smile, but didn’t really get an eager expression back.

"Not good."

"No?" Doctor Welby purposely made his smile disappear. "What’s seems to be the problem?"

"I’m very ill."

"Mm ..."

AJ let the man examine his ears, shine a light in his eyes, listen to his heart, his lungs, test his reflexes, as well as say ‘ah’ and open wide before saying anything else.

"Well, what is it? I can handle it."

"You, are perfectly healthy."

"You don’t see it?"

"What is it I should be seeing?"

"I have lung cancer."

Dr. Welby frowned genuinely this time, rolling his stool closer to the bed that the young man was sitting on and taking a seat. He leaned forward slightly. "What makes you say that?"

"My chest hurts."

"Your chest hurts?"

"It’s filled with pressure and it’s squeezing... it might be my heart. Can you get heart cancer?"

"Alex."

AJ’s eyes were scanning the certificates along the wall behind him, twisting his head so as not to look at the man. "Are you sure those are yours, Dr. Welby?"

"Alex."

The deep brown focused back on him.

"You’re not sick."

"I am."

"You’re not sick. Is something bothering you? A girl, school?"

"Nothing but my health."

"There’s nothing wrong with your health."

"I have the right to a second opinion." AJ started to slide off the table, narrowing his eyes slightly. "Unless the whole medical profession is a crock."

"Alex-"

"That’s what it is, isn’t it?" He grabbed his jacket from the bed and stormed out of the office, not even waiting for an answer.

-

"They’re mad."

"Mad?"

"You disappeared."

AJ frowned, stepping through the door that Brian held open a little slower. "I didn’t disappear."

"Whatever you call it."

He didn’t call it anything.

Brian moved ahead, AJ following a little slower. His step halted completely when he faced them; he was hit with questions. He hadn’t expected that. He just stood there, even though they seemed to be expecting some sort of answer.

"Where were you?" Howie repeated. A frown was etched on his face, a worried frown.

AJ played with the zipper on his jacket, pulling it up until it couldn’t go anymore and then quickly pulling it back down.

"AJ?"

He hadn’t leaving early in the morning would have been a problem. It should have been less problem for them, without him around.

"Alex."

AJ looked up.

Howie was watching him, waiting for the answer, but none came. It was like the kid didn’t even know it was a question.

"You can’t just keep taking off without saying anything," Kevin broke in. He was annoyed. Mostly because Denise had thought the kid was with them, and he wasn’t. He didn’t need that responsibility. He didn’t ask for it.

The answer was silence. AJ sent a long look in Howie’s direction, wanting him to say something.

"Understand?" Kevin wanted his attention. "It’s one thing to run out on your mother-"

AJ’s eyes widened slightly and then shifted to Kevin. "I did not run out on my mother." It was the first time he spoke, and his voice was like ice. Cold and hard.

Howie leaned forward, eyebrows raising. "Kev ..."

Kevin didn’t see the look being directed at him, so he just shook his head.

"I don’t," AJ repeated, and it was like something hollow and vulnerable was snapping inside of him, something he had been struggling to keep stable. The dam he had been building up just started to give way.

"Well she didn’t know where you were," came the answer.

"I didn’t," AJ repeated again, and it snapped clean in half as he jumped on Kevin with the intention of trying to pound him. "I didn’t run out on my mother! I never run out on my mom."

"Alex," Howie objected, moving in quickly when the fists flew. But Kevin already had it under control. The skinny kid really wasn’t much of a match for him.

"Easy..." he was saying, still a little surprised. AJ just twisted in his hold, breaking free and heading for the door.

"Nice one, Kevin," Brian muttered.

Kevin sent him a glare.

"I warned you ..." Howie was shaking his head.

"What’d I say?"

"You told him he ran out on his mother. He wouldn’t, and he doesn’t wanna hear that ... not after his dad."

Realization washed over Kevin’s face.

"Nice one, Kevin," Brian repeated.

"Shut it, Brian. I’m serious."

Kevin was heading in the direction AJ had fled. He opened the door and looked out to the right and left, but no one was there.

"It’s alright." Howie’s voice came from behind him. "You were right. He can’t be running around like that without his mom knowing where he is."

Kevin shook his head as he shut the door gently. "I shouldn’t have said it."

"What’s said is said. He takes some things the wrong way when he’s upset."

"He takes most of them the right way, that’s the problem," Kevin muttered.

-

She was sleeping. It was noon, but she was asleep. He realized yesterday must have been Friday, but he wasn’t sure.

She looked peaceful, when she slept. She still looked tired, but the anxiety he had seen there in her face had seeped away. He stood in the doorway and yesterday felt like a dream, only there was this panging feeling that dripped through his whole chest, and it wouldn’t go away.

Suddenly, he wished that he could turn back time a few days and freeze it forever. Freeze-frame. He could be clueless forever, stay that age forever, the group could go nowhere.

Watching her from the doorway, he felt nauseous even thinking that things might change. He wiped his eyes with the back of his jacket sleeve. He liked how things used to be, even if they weren’t good.

Why did she have to go and lie about everything? Make things change?

He had to move from the door and make a dash for the bathroom when he felt his stomach churning. He had nothing left to lose, but his body seemed to think so. Several minutes later, he flushed the toilet and went back to her room.

She was still sleeping as he crept slowly closer to the bed, Kevin’s words coming back to him. He stared at her face and just thought a minute before climbing into bed next to her quietly, trying not to make any movement.

"I’m sorry," he whispered.

-

Saturday, he missed a practice.

He just didn’t feel like going. He told himself he didn’t feel up to going. He was sick. You were allowed to miss things when you were sick. It was an excused absence.

"You don’t have anywhere to be today, AJ, do you?"

He shook his head at his mother’s words and pulled his feet up on the couch.

"I keep thinking there’s some place you have to be."

"The schedules are changing," he said, eyes on the TV. Funny he would rather sit and watch an old Audrey Hepburn flick with his mom than go be with the guys. "Nothing today."

Besides, he was sick. People couldn’t expect you to be places when you were ill.

Denise nodded slowly and glanced at him. His eyes weren’t on the TV, they were focused someplace off in the kitchen, as if he were thinking to himself.

"I wanted to talk to you about something," she started.

The brown eyes flickered back to her, almost nervously.

"I’ve been thinking about some things."

"Me too," he said quickly. He shifted on the couch into a position that faced her. "I’ve been thinking ... I don’t mind if you see people, whoever you want to date, it’s okay with me. You don’t have to keep it a secret or anything."

She nodded only slightly, her own brown eyes meeting his. "I wouldn’t keep that from you."

He stayed silent, the earnest look still pasted across his face. Acting was his forte.

"Look, I know you don’t want to talk about this -"

Earnestness lost, his eyes drifted back over to the kitchen, tensing as the familiar ache rose back into his chest. He felt his stomach coming back up his throat. It was all lies. All of it.

"But I’m gonna be fine ..." She kissed the side of his head, cupping his cheek. "Alright, baby?"

"You are fine," he told her seriously. The pang was a slow throbbing, like a dying out flame. It was almost gone, he forced it to go away.

She smiled slightly, dropping her hand down. And it lit back up.

"But I think I caught it from you."

A frown slowly seeped across her lips. "Caught what?"

"The flu."

"Alex-"

"I’m gonna back on Monday, momma," he interrupted.

He mind was still on his last words. The ones about the flu. "Back?"

"School."

She started smiling slightly at that news, even though her mind was still turning over his other statement.

"Can you write me a note? Say I was sick or something." She was good at making up things. "You can just say I was sick."

"Listen, baby-"

The phone rang.

"Leave it," she said, reaching for his arm. But he was already up. "Alex-"

The words were retreating toward the kitchen. "It might be important ..."

It was important. It just didn’t feel that way.

"Where are you?"

AJ turned away with the phone, lowering his voice. "Howie-"

"Saturdays and Wednesdays, buddy, Saturdays and Wednesdays. Did you forget already? We haven’t even started this schedule yet."

"I’m sick."

"AJ-"

"I’m sorry, Howie!" He said it in a shrill whisper, his voice hoarse.

The desperateness made Howie hesitate. "You alright?"

"I wanna go ... I wanna go lay down." His stomach was churning again.

"Wait, Alex, just listen, okay? This isn’t just us anymore. It’s not just the five of us running things; there’s people above us now. You missing a practice is a little bigger deal than when it was just us."

"People can’t help being sick ... "

"Okay, so you’re sick."

"That’s what I’ve been saying." It was like a plea.

"Alright then, buddy ..." Howie raised his eyebrows at Kevin, who was standing next to him at the phones. After forty minutes into practice and no sign on AJ, the call was something they both needed. "Rest up, alright? We miss you."

As the metal receiver of the payphone was gently returned to its cradle, Kevin tore his eyes from the ground and took his weight off the wall he had been leaning on.

"Sick?"

"So he says."

"You don’t believe him?"

"This is coming from the kid who lied about pneumonia to be the jester in a school play, Kev. He doesn’t just say he’s sick."

"Unless he wants to be. Maybe he just doesn’t want to come to practice."

Howie was shaking his head, walking slowly back from the phones. "He loves this."

"We love this too." Kevin’s gaze was on Brian and Nick, who as they approached looked as though they’d rather be anywhere than there. The vocal coach the management had chosen wasn’t exactly fun.

Howie just shook his head. It wasn’t that.

He knew it wasn’t that.

"Look, we wrote a song," Nick announced excitedly when they were within earshot.

Howie frowned. "Where’s John?" John was the vocal coach. John Kilger.

"He said he had to make some phone calls too," Brian said. "But anyway ..." He was picking up an old guitar from a setup off to the side, and Kevin noticed Nick taking a seat behind a set of old drums.

"Guys, that’s not your crap to play with."

"We wrote. A song." Brian repeated Nick’s words slowly, disregarding Kevin’s words. He gave him a hopeful smile though. "Alright?"

Kevin rolled his eyes, glancing at Howie, but the other man was lost in his own thoughts. Kevin just sighed, looking back at the other two. They didn’t have time for it, but they weren’t exactly accomplishing anything yet that day anyway. "Alright. Quick."

Brian counted off hurriedly, and after the number three came the most atrocious cacophony known to mankind.

It lacked a beat, it lacked actual notes, and worst of all, it lacked any resemblance to music at all.

Howie looked up quickly, the stream of worries that had been chasing each other in his head cut off by the noise.

"Alright!" Kevin interrupted after a good ten seconds. He made a face as it continued and moved toward Nick, physically removing him from the seat and from within any reach of the set.

The guitar slowly twanged to a halt without its counterpart.

"You didn’t like it?" The country voice was soft.

"Put down the guitar." Kevin set Nick on his feet as he said it, pulling the drumsticks from his grasp.

"We were gonna be like the Bay-tles," Nick told him.

Kevin hid his smile. "That’s not your crap to play with."

"That there’s Ringo, and I wanna be Paul," Brian said, putting back the guitar where he had found it as he spoke. He looked back up at his cousin. "So you and Howie can be either John or George."

"What about AJ then."

Brian thought a second. "He can be Yoko Ono."

Howie and Kevin exchanged a look, both laughing.

Nick pushed at Kevin. "Is he coming?" He pulled the drumsticks back as he asked the hopeful question. "Did he forget?"

"He’s sick," Howie said.

Nick looked disappointed. Since he didn’t live in Orlando like the rest of them, the practices were pretty much the only time he got to see them. For him, there was a long time in between each.

"You’ll see him Wednesday," Kevin told him. He took the drumsticks back before Nick could test them out on a aging piano. "Or before then."

"Before?" Howie looked up, that being news to him. "What’s before Wednesday."

"Tuesday," Brian offered seriously.

Kevin ignored him. "I think they were trying to schedule something like a photoshoot either Monday or Tuesday. It’s not set yet."

"Oh." Howie was looking behind them, as if he wanted to get back to work. "Are you sure John only had to make a few phone calls?"

Brian shrugged, sitting down on an abandoned stool. The place was filled with random things across the wooden floor. He started to look around too. "That’s what he said."

"We can keep practicin’ being the Bay-tles!"

Kevin just shook his head at the expectant hand that was held out for the drumsticks.

The youngest frowned. "How do you expect me to get good?"

"I don’t."

-

For awhile things had been going perfect. A month ago. A week ago. He’d had plenty of time for dreaming. With all his plans in his head he had felt like he was floating. Flying. People even used to tell him that. He had his head in the clouds, that’s what they would say.

It didn’t last very long. Nothing ever did. One beginning to another. It was boom, something happened, and he’d be falling back to the ground and hitting it hard. Just when he least expected it.

Going back to the ‘normal routine’, he almost felt like he had never left. Only maybe it was worse. He felt like he had been gone, but at the same time he didn’t. Everything that he had left there was still the same.

He sat in his desk after the first bell, breathing in and out slowly and telling himself that maybe things really were still the same. Maybe he was here on Friday like he should have been, just like everyone else.

Maybe nothing had changed.

A voice interrupted. "Ha, you’re back? We thought they finally came and took you away for good."

They, meaning the men in the white coats, the ones who took the loonies away to the white padded cells, the ones that that kid, who should have been two years ahead of the classes he was in, swore had missed AJ in their search.

AJ looked up from the desktop slowly, eyes narrowed, but the second bell rang and the kid who owned those words had to take his seat. AJ told himself that if the bell hadn’t rung he would have done something drastic.

But it was still the same.

"I’m glad you’re back ..."

A soft voice said it from his other side, and he turned his head slightly but didn’t smile.

Two votes canceled each other out. Besides, the other kid said ‘we’.

"Were you sick?"

The serious expression didn’t need force to stay on his face, it was involuntary. He was about to answer when the teacher started the class.

"... Hats off please."

That was him.

The kid that had made the loony house comment said something else and a couple of other guys chuckled.

AJ pulled the cap slowly from his head, keeping it on his desk. He stared at that the whole period.

Normally scrambled together like rotten eggs were math, science, a drama class, English, social studies, and PE. A pinch of lunch was thrown in somewhere, but it felt like those six periods stretched each other into infinity like rubber bands that never snapped. After the first couple came the same words.

"We’re going to have to talk about how you can make up your work, Alex."

He would nod quickly in agreement and quickly move on. He made it through three periods before he couldn’t take it anymore.

He figured three periods were a start. Tomorrow he could do four.

It could be a six-step program.

-

The photoshoot had been confirmed.

For the past fifteen minutes, in waiting for his turn, AJ had been pacing the floor and kicking through discarded props and clothing. Kevin couldn’t take it anymore.

"Hey Aje."

The pacing stopped.

"Can I talk to you?" He motioned to the seat next to him as he said it.

AJ threw himself angrily on the chair, banging it into the wall. He folded his arms defensively across his chest and stared straight in front of him. He didn't want to be there, he didn’t want to talk, and he wanted to make sure that everyone there knew it.

"You alright?" Kevin studied the colored t-shirt the boy wore. Across the front in black type were the words ‘Just be glad I’m not your child’.

"Fine..." AJ cast a long look at the floor, his baseball cap shading his eyes. He cast a look to the side without turning his head. "You?"

"I’m alright."

AJ looked down at his watch, then across the room at the bright lights that were set up. Lights that would melt you the second you got within eight feet. Those lights were the devil.

"I wanted to say sorry for what I said the other day." Kevin’s words came slowly. He looked over for some sort of a reaction but none came. "It came out the wrong way."

AJ shrugged, not looking at him. He was still looking at the lights, his mouth set in a thin line. "It’s okay..."

Kevin didn’t know how else to expand on the words after saying them, so he just nodded slightly as he watched for any glimmer of expression on the kid’s face. "Alright."

There was a moment of silence.

AJ almost got up again, but then he actually looked at Kevin. He raised his chin a little. "Kev?"

"Yeah?"

There was a slight hesitation and for a minute, Kevin thought something was actually going to get said.

But AJ swallowed his question back, blinking quickly and rising from the seat. "I gotta talk to Howie."

Kevin let out a breath and leaned back in his chair.

Still out of his ballpark.

-

"Is Denise McLean there please?"

There was an empty pause.

"I’m sorry, no she’s not. Can I take a message?"

"Can you check again?" AJ asked. "Please." He chewed the side of his thumbnail for a second and leaned against the counter, studying the different papers and pictures that decorated the front of the refrigerator. He hadn’t looked at them in a long time.

"I’m sorry, she’s not here."

"Can you check the other departments?"

He was about seven in one of them, a close-up of his face pressed up next to his mom’s, both wearing huge grins. He had a top hat on, it was falling off to the side. Something about being a magician. Her arm was wrapped around him, holding him at the same height.

They looked a lot alike.

"You can call the department you think she may be in-"

"You can’t check?"

"- or you can leave a message."

He let out a breath.

She wasn’t there.

"You can’t check the other departments?" he asked, keeping his voice steady.

She had told him where she was going and it wasn’t work, but he knew that’s where she really was. She had to be in another department.

"She’s not scheduled to work tonight." The woman’s patience had run out.

He hung up the phone.

She had to be in another department.

Glancing back at the fridge again, he cursed under his breath and kicked at a chair aggressively. It hit into the counter with a resounding thwap, but it didn’t make him feel any better. It made him want to throw it.

He settled for slamming it again against the table and reaching for the radio that sat quietly on the counter behind some papers.

He turned it up so loud he couldn’t think.

-

"One and two and three and- on the beat, there we go. Always on the beat ..."

Howie glanced to his right again as the loosely-directed correction was made. With the mirrored wall right in front of him, he could see where the problem was without even turning his head, but he did anyway. AJ. The king of perfection when it came to this stuff, and there he was with at least a beat off on every step.

Even Nicky, who claimed that everyone being on the same step at the same time looked tacky, was on the beat.

"One and two and spin and four and- okay, let’s try that again."

Howie didn’t even look that time.

"From the top."

They went through about fifteen minutes straight with no major flaws, and then suddenly the count was off. AJ had just stopped, mid-step.

"Alright, how about a break," the choreographer suggested.

Howie wiped the sweat off his face with his t-shirt, looking up in time to see that the instructor was actually saying something to AJ.

And being blown off.

Howie grabbed his water bottle from where his duffel bag was lying, taking a long sip. Something was up. He needed to say something.

So he approached where the kid had taken a seat on the ground. He was playing with the zipper along the side of his baggy warm-ups, his hat pulled backwards on his head, glaring at the ground.

"Can I talk to you?"

AJ lifted his head, squinting up at Howie silently.

"I think we need to talk."

"I don’t."

"I’ve decided we do." Howie squatted next to him, looking him straight in the eye. AJ looked away first.

"If this is about how I suck today-"

Howie interrupted. "Is something bothering you?"

AJ didn’t answer, he just stared at the wall stonily.

"You’re not usually off."

"Maybe I’m not as good as you always think I am," came the hard answer.

"Maybe you are."

AJ looked at him then, his gaze still hard. "You don’t know anything, Howie."

"I know when something’s wrong."

"Nothing’s wrong. Stop laying shit on me."

Howie drew in a breath to keep his patience. He heard the voices of the other guys intermingled with a bouncing basketball and the static of some radio somewhere. "I’m not. I’m just asking if everything’s alright."

"Just leave me alone." AJ physically pushed at him, but Howie kept his ground. "I’m serious, man."

"This has been going on all week, Aje, if not longer. Spill."

AJ was just staring at him now, his brow furrowed slightly as if he was thinking.

"You can tell me."

"Howie."

Howie waited.

"Get away from me." The words were said slowly. Evenly.

"C’mon, AJ." Howie reached out a hand to touch the kid’s shoulder, but was caught off guard when he was roughly pushed away.

"I’m serious," AJ repeated, voice raising slightly.

"Calm down ..."

"Leave me alone!"

"AJ-"

"Fuck off!"

The volume of those words were an immense contrast to the immediate silence that followed. The basketball stopped, the voices ceased.

There was complete and utter silence.

"AJ-"

He only stayed to hear the silence for a second, then he was pushing up past Howie and storming for the door, silently seething. People didn’t know when to stop, or how to say anything. He heard somebody call after him but ignored it.

Nick, who was standing there with his mouth slightly open, was the first to speak. "What happened?" He looked at Howie, who was approaching them slowly, a distracted expression on his face. "Where’s he going?"

Howie didn’t answer.

"Everything okay?" Kevin dropped his hands on Nick’s shoulders as he asked, squeezing slightly to silence the kid when he tried to ask where AJ went again.

Howie just shrugged.

"What’d you do, Howard?" Brian said it in a joking manner, but quieted at the look Kevin gave him.

"I’ll talk to him." Kevin glanced back at Howie, looking at him as if for an okay to the action.

"He’s not in a talking mood."

Kevin shrugged. "Neither am I."

Howie actually smiled slightly at that. "Oh well that’s great."

"We’ll work something out."

"I’ll come," Nick suggested.

"You’ll practice," Kevin answered, squeezing his shoulders again before releasing him. "You guys start up again, we’ll be back in a few."

He hoped.

Out in the hallway, an oversized garbage can was getting abused by an angry, fed-up AJ. Miraculously, with all the kicks it had received, it hadn’t flipped over yet.

At the sound of the rehearsal room door opening and shutting, AJ looked up. When he saw Kevin, he froze. His glare had enough wattage to light up all of Manhattan.

"Let’s talk."

AJ just shook his head.

"Howie was just trying to help you out, you know."

The cold, empty feeling settled to the bottom of AJ’s stomach at those words. He hadn’t meant to blow up at Howie. It had just happened. He couldn’t control it.

"I know."

"So what’s the deal."

"Don’t," he warned.

"Don’t what?"

"If I didn’t tell Howie, I’m sure as hell not gonna tell you."

"Maybe you wanna practice on me."

"There’s nothing to practice!" AJ glared at him, annoyed that he was getting him started again. He felt his blood starting to boil. He took a deep breath and started chewing on his thumbnail without even knowing. "Is Howie okay?"

"He’s fine. Brothers fight."

AJ just shook his head.

"What, they don’t fight?"

Suddenly, tears pricked at AJ’s eyes and he turned his head away, reaching for the baseball cap that rested on his head. He slowly twisted the rim around to the front, pulling it lower.

"You alright?"

"No."

Kevin frowned slightly, watching him carefully. He had expected the opposite answer, but only because that was what they had heard all week. Everything was fine. Nothing was wrong. Leave him alone.

He didn’t expect to hear the sudden change. The choked sob that followed really threw him off.

"Hey," he started gently, but AJ had already turned to face the wall, leaning against it as if gravity had suddenly hit him full force and he couldn’t hold himself up anymore.

"Just go away ..." It didn’t sound as harsh through a broken sob as it had before. This time it was said only out of reflex.

Kevin instinctively reached out to touch AJ’s shoulder, but the kid pulled away and slid down the wall until he was on the ground, hugging his knees.

"AJ-"

"Did you know your dad was going to die?"

The words were muffled into knees, yet Kevin could still make them out. His stomach twisted as he processed the question, and he squatted down slowly in front of the kid, reaching the same level.

"What?" He had heard the words and understood the question, but at the same time, he hadn’t. He couldn’t bring himself to. "Look at me."

AJ lifted his head, but instead of answering he sobbed harder.

Kevin reached for him again, and this time no one pulled away. "Shh ..."

Looking into the gray-green eyes that had suddenly filled with sadness, AJ was feeling worse for even asking. He felt sick again.

"My m-mom ..." He swallowed and got it out as quickly as he could. "My mom’s sick."

Kevin felt an icy chill go through him. A familiar chill. "What?"

"She n-never told me ..." The tears were almost making him shake now. "She lied to me, and then ... then I thought she was lyin’ again but ..." The brown eyes looked up again, this time looking scared. "Cancer," he spat. There was a little pause. "I don’t have anybody else." He said it as if he were realizing it for the first time right then, and the rush of tears came again.

Struggling to understand the jumbled words, Kevin was fighting his own tears with the thought of his dad, the recent trials he and his family had been through- the things he never wanted to think about. The things he wanted to store in the back recesses of his mind.

But here was this kid crying in front of him, trusting enough to spill his heart, and he had no choice but to face it again.

"It’s alright, buddy," he said slowly, pulling AJ into a hug as he struggled over his own words. "It’ll be fine ..."

AJ couldn’t answer right away, but he didn’t pull away immediately either. "Your dad wasn’t fine," he whispered, swallowing back a sob to get the words out. "Nobody’s ever fine."

There wasn’t an answer.

AJ pulled back, wiping his eyes roughly with the back of his hand as he looked at the older man. Kevin looked disturbed. "I’m sorry." AJ’s voice was still in a whisper.

Kevin shook his head.

"I’m scared."

There was a little hesitation as Kevin fought to keep his own emotions at bay. Emotions that didn’t have anything to do with AJ.

"It’s okay to be scared," he said finally.

But AJ was shaking his head at that. "No ..."

"It is."

"I always ... I just always figured ..." He trailed off. "If something bad’s gonna happen, then something bad’s gonna happen, there’s no use being scared." He wiped his eyes again, fighting back the river that was threatening to overflow again. "I’m scared now."

"There’s no reason your mom shouldn’t be okay." Kevin said it even though he had no idea what the story even was. "Have you talked to her about it?"

AJ shrugged.

"You should talk to her, pal. She needs you now just as much as you need her."

"I know ... and I keep running out on her." AJ voice broke as he started to cry again. "That’s all I do."

"No ..." Kevin shook his head, regretting his earlier words a second time.

"It is," AJ objected, voice muffled as he pulled his cap down even lower. He took a shaky breath. "No one’s ever there for her."

"You are."

"I’m not." AJ looked at him seriously. "I can’t even talk to her."

Kevin didn’t answer. He couldn’t. Nothing came to him.

AJ started getting to his feet, quickly wiping the tears away with his t-shirt. It was as if an opened book had suddenly slammed shut.

Kevin quickly stood up. "Aje-"

"I don’t wanna talk about it." His voice was strained, and it looked like he was trying to erase everything. "There’s nothing to talk about. Let’s just practice."

"It’s almost over-"

But AJ was already across the hall and opening the door, wiping his eyes one last time as if for good measure. Inside, it looked like they were getting ready to go.

Brian noticed their entrance first. He frowned, forgetting the sheet of paper he had been reading. Kevin looked like he had been through a war, and AJ looked equally as drained. He looked like he had been crying.

Howie was watching Kevin, a questioning expression on his face as the older man approached. Instead of an answer, he got the shake of a head.

"Later ..." Kevin ignored the look Brian was giving him.

"You’re crying," Nick was saying to AJ.

AJ shook his head, moving toward his duffel bag without a word. He sniffled, fighting the urge to wipe his eyes again.

"How come?" Nick asked it as though AJ had given an affirmation to his statement.

"I’m not."

"You are, you-"

"I have allergies, dammit."

Nick looked taken aback for a second, but he recovered quickly. "To what?"

"Questions."

That time the hint was taken, and Nick frowned slightly. "Oh." He stopped trailing behind him.

AJ was left by himself on the side of the room. Once again, he felt guilty.

-

Brian sat there in the corner of the couch, his tired eyes directed on the television but not really watching.

Instead, he found himself focusing on the fact that Kevin was still doing something in the kitchen when by now he was supposed to be in the room telling them what the heck was going on. The man was stalling. It didn’t take a genius to figure that much out.

Brian glanced at Howie. The man looked the same way he felt.

He was nervous. He had seen the look on Kevin’s face when he had come back into the rehearsal room, and it wasn’t an alien one. He had seen it before, about a year and a half ago, and it didn’t exactly conjure up positive memories.

It made him suspect that something was up. Not something good.

The sportscaster was talking about the Hornets. He didn’t like the Hornets. He narrowed his eyes at the TV.

Then suddenly, Kevin was in the room, coming over to sit on the couch like nothing was even up. Brian looked at him and the weary eyes. He turned off the TV.

"Tell us."

Kevin looked at Howie, even though Brian had been the first to speak. The guy had a look on his face that wanted him to just say it. Quickly.

"AJ’s mom is sick."

It was if someone had told him that the world was ending tomorrow. Howie was taken aback. The only thing that came to his mind at first was confusion. "Sick?" he repeated.

"She has cancer."

The three words were said coldly. And for an awkward moment, the room was silent.

Cancer. The foreign word that didn’t really exist. It existed in movies and in books, romantic stories and fictional tragedies. It wasn’t a real issue.

Not until someone said it to your face. Then it was real. Too real.

Howie couldn’t even say it, not even to ask the questions that were running through his head.

Brian, eyes widened, had trouble even forcing himself to register the words.

"Really?"

Kevin glanced at his cousin then, unable to keep the annoyance at bay. "No, Brian, I’m just making it up for the hell of it."

The sarcasm cut him deep, but Brian stayed silent. Not trusting himself to say anything else, he found himself looking away as a cold feeling washed over his entire body.

"Is she ... Will she be alright?" Howie struggled over his words, trying to sort out one question in the overlapping rollercoaster of interrogations overrunning his mind.

Kevin found himself unable to give an honest answer. "I don’t know." He shook his head, voice drained of everything. "We didn’t even talk about it really."

Howie sat there a minute with his stomach in knots. Denise. The lady who was like a second mother to him ever since he first met her crazy son. The one who told him to go for it, that you never know.

His mind wandered to AJ. The kid didn’t tell him. AJ hadn’t talked to him about anything. He had told him to go away.

Howie felt like he had done something very wrong.

"I need to think."

That was all he said, and then he left the room. He didn’t want to be with anyone. Not while he thought.

Brian sat in silence for a minute, holding the remote control tightly in his hand, just for something to squeeze. His hand started to hurt, and he let it go.

Kevin was looking at the ground. Brian watched him, and it was like he was looking at a stranger again. It was all coming back. He still understood the old rules.

He had lost an uncle, not a father. There was a difference.

"Are you okay?"

Kevin glanced at him. "Me? I’m fine." The answer was flat. "Why wouldn’t I be fine?"

Because he could relate. But Brian couldn’t bring himself to say that. Instead, he just left the room.

-

Everything looked faded and far away, but he knew exactly what was going on. He could smell the overly sweet stench of flowers; he could feel the icy chill of the room.

He could see the shiny rectangular shaped box that was up front.

A casket. A closed casket.

It was blurry, but it was there.

AJ tensed up, unable to keep his eyes off of it. There were flowers in front of it, flowers on top of it. But it was ugly. It was the ugliest thing he’d ever seen. There wasn’t any way that he could bring himself to go near it.

"You’re not going to pay your last respects to your mother?"

He jumped at the deepened voice, turning his head to see the owner of it, but no one was there. He was still all alone.

"Last chance to be there for her ..."

He couldn’t move. Another whiff of the flowers hit him, like a gust of cold air.

"You’re letting it slip by like all the others."

His feet were cemented to the ground, as if someone had nailed them there. He stared forward, hard, and realized the coffin was open at the top. Had it been open before? He couldn’t remember.

Suddenly, he felt the presence of a lot of people around him, behind him, beside him; but he couldn’t see any of them. He could only feel them.

AJ breathed out quickly, shakily, and his breath formed a tiny cloud in the cold air.

"See, this is why you’re alone- you were never there for anybody. You can’t even be there now." The voice was different, it was a different octave.

"I was-"

Something cut him off, but it wasn’t a voice, it was like an invisible hand had smothered him. And then the coffin was right in front of him, even though he hadn’t moved. It was like it had been shot forward.

Staring at him, pale as the satin underneath it, was his mother. He stared, eyes widening when he saw her blanched lips moving.

"I’m sorry," he said desperately, unable to make out any of her words. "I’m sorry."

He reached out slowly, involuntarily, to touch her face. Before he could, the lid slammed down with a resounding crack.

AJ screamed, sitting up straight and gasping for air, for a second too terrified to move. His breathing was coming in short, erratic gasps; he felt like he was suffocating.

He reached up to touch his face and realized he was crying.

Around him, familiar posters were scattered on the walls, the same old junk was decorating his shelves, his floor was buried under the same things in the corner. His brown eyes frantically looked around for anything out of place and finding none, he flew out of bed, nearly running down the hall to his mother’s room.

She was there, sitting there in bed with the TV on; its strange flickering was the only light on. The clock on her night-table told him it was well past midnight.

She was looking at him, looking concerned. Her own eyes were reddened, perhaps from crying. "Alex?"

"Are you okay?" His eyes flew to her face after searching the room the same way he had his own. He wiped his eyes with the back of his sleeve hastily and sniffled. Nothing was out of place.

"I’m fine, baby, are you okay?"

He nodded quickly, still surveying the room. His ragged breathing was slowly evening out.

"You sure?"

"Can I sleep with you, momma?"

Denise smiled faintly at the question, trying to remember the last time it was asked. A lot, when he was younger. Consistently. Then, it had just stopped. She nodded.

As he drew closer in the bed she reached for him, rubbing his shoulder gently. "You’re shaking."

"It’s ... c-cold. I’m sorry."

"AJ, what’s wrong?"

"Nothin’. I’m sorry."

She continued to rub his shoulder, not speaking.

"You’ve been crying," he said to her.

"So have you."

"I’m allowed to cry."

That was strange to hear him say. "And I’m not?"

He shook his head quickly. "You’re allowed. I just don’t like it." He leaned over and kissed her cheek quickly before turning his head and staring at the ceiling. "I’m glad you’re fine."

He meant that he knew she wasn’t fine. She knew it, but it was mutual. She rested her head back down tiredly too, feeling some force pressing her down. "Well I’m glad you’re fine too."

That was it. They were both fine, defined individually.

"Night," he whispered slowly.

"Night, sweetie."

And as she flipped off the TV and the darkness crept over the room like a blanket, she felt the prick of the tears returning.

-

The pass came during English, and the only reason he went was because it was during English, and because he didn’t know what it was for.

He knew the second he opened the door and saw the frizzy-haired woman there, her blonde hair pulled back into its customary ball of fuzz.

"What is this?" He said it out of reflex, glancing behind him at the door and catching for the first time the words that were now backwards to him through the glass. Counselor.

"Hi Alex... take a seat."

He continued standing, giving her a funny look.

"Take a seat. C’mon, I got you out of class."

He didn’t like her, and he didn’t appreciate her friendly attitude. "What do you want?"

"It’s customary to have an appointment with the school counselor after an extended absence from school. It’s not just you. We just want to make sure everything’s going well with your adjustment back."

"Everything’s going fine with my adjustment."

She smiled. "A little more than that. C’mon, have a seat. It’ll only take a minute."

"We’re learning predicates."

"I can get you back before the end of class." She gave another encouraging smile.

That having not been his purpose he shook his head slightly but moved toward the chair and sat down, slowly, and fingered the side of his cap.

"Can you take off your hat please? Those aren’t allowed in school."

"They’re not allowed in the classroom. We’re not in a classroom."

She nodded absently, obviously not wanting to argue him on the minute topic. "So how’re you feeling?"

"Great." His eyes wondered from her face to the window behind her. She had a window office.

"Was sickness the cause of your absences?"

"Part of it."

"And the rest?"

AJ leaned back in the chair and glanced at her face again. Upon seeing the intent written there, his lifted his eyes to the ceiling and started to fabricate something that would hopefully get him out of there.

-

"He said what?"

Ms. Harrison, the fuzzy counselor, looked up from her notes to address Denise.

"Well he seemed excited about your move at the end of the semester and to not be interested in his work because he knew he’d only be leaving."

"Did he say where exactly we’re moving?"

"Mm ..." The notes were consulted. "Portugal ... You have family there?"

Denise leaned back in the chair and shook her head to herself. It would almost be funny, if it weren’t so serious.

"We’re not moving."

"You’re not?" The spectacles came off.

"The thought never crossed your mind? Portugal?"

"We have many students moving to various places all the time," came the reply, almost defensively.

After being with the woman for the past fifteen minutes, dealing with her mannerisms, her questions, her ‘friend’ attitude, Denise didn’t blame AJ. "Why were you meeting with my son?"

"It’s customary for our students to have an appointment with the school counselor after an extended absence from school, we feel it’s the best way to help them adjust back into the routine of things."

Denise nodded slightly. It sounded fine, but she just wasn’t rubbed the right way by Ms. Harrison.

"I don’t think Alex needs another meeting with you."

"He seems to be isolating himself, Ms. McLean. For someone his age ..." The woman trailed off and looked down at her notes again, as if they would feed her something to say. She looked up. "Is there something going on that might be bothering him? At home maybe?"

Denise forced a thin smile at the woman. She didn’t like her. She didn’t appreciate the friendly attitude, or the digging. She looked down at her watch. She had to get to work.

"Nothing that we can’t handle."

-

That night, she was too tired to cook. Or to go out.

It was like her energy had been sucked away by the needle that had been in her arm that afternoon. The only thing that had replaced the empty space left behind was fatigue. Pure fatigue.

"I can cook."

AJ had stopped in front of her, hands buried deeply in the pockets of his baggy sweatshirt.

She shook her head; the offer made her more tired.

"I can."

"We can order in."

There wasn’t any argument to that.

"Chinese?"

Denise nodded slightly, watching as he moved to get the phone. "How about Portuguese?"

At those words he froze, slowly turning back to her with a frown etched into his face.

"What, you don’t like Portuguese?"

He just stared at her for a moment, silent, and then disappeared into the kitchen to get the phone. When he came back he just handed it to her and stared down at a tattered menu he had grabbed from their takeout collection.

She shook her head at the seriousness and then reached for his arm, pulling him next to her onto the couch. "What, you thought she wouldn’t talk to me?"

He tore his eyes from the paper, but didn’t look at her. Her hand had stayed on his arm, as if to keep him there. "I thought she was an idiot."

"Me too."

A flicker of a smile crossed his face.

"Why did you tell her we were moving to Portugal?"

AJ shrugged his shoulders.

Denise watched him, carefully weighing her words. It seemed so hard to talk lately. "We’re not."

The response was an irritated roll of the eyes.

"Look, AJ-"

"Lo mein," he said, a finger quickly finding it on the sheet. "There, you like lo mein. Chicken or shrimp or-"

"Alex."

"Or pork." He said it as if he didn’t even hear her.

"We need to talk."

He looked at her now, leaning back into the couch. The menu stayed on his lap, momentarily ignored. "Yeah."

There was a slight pause.

"It’s funny though," he said. "Because there’s really nothing to talk about, you know ...? It feels like there is, but there’s really not."

"There is."

"I knew you would say that." His hands slid back into the sweatshirt pockets. "Everything’s okay."

"With who? Me, you?"

"Me," he said slowly. He could answer that. Everything was fine with him. "Is everything okay with you?"

"We can talk about things you know."

"I know." He said it openly, but at the same time there was something hidden behind the candid look.

She just looked back at him.

"School’s fine."

"Friends?"

He struggled to keep the same expression. "What about them?"

"How are they?"

He wouldn’t know. "They’re fine."

"They miss you while you were gone?"

"Sure."

"Sure?"

"Yeah." He reached up for the hat on his head, adjusting it slightly out of habit. "You know what?"

"What?"

His gaze was on his sneakers then. The laces were almost threadbare. They looked gray. "The guys and me ... I think we’re gonna record some stuff soon, isn’t that cool?"

"It is." Denise’s mind was still on the counselor’s words. Isolating himself. He was so quick to change the subject.

"You’re gonna come to our shows, when we have shows," AJ told her. "I’m gonna get you a limo to come in."

She smiled. "I don’t need a limo, Aje."

"Yes, you do, a stretch limo. No, a super-stretch. A white one."

She didn’t answer, so he continued.

"And you won’t have to work anymore, so you can travel with me. Anyplace you wanna go."

"Anyplace?"

"Yeah."

"How about Portugal," she said evenly.

He gave her a look, but she returned it with a teasing smile. He couldn’t help but return it, even with the funny feeling in his stomach.

Denise pulled the worn takeout menu up. "Alright, so lo mein it is?"

AJ nodded absently, staying there on the couch next to her but only half listening as she dialed the number and put in the order. He only heard the long breath that trailed the click off of the phone.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

She nodded, but she didn’t say anything.

"You’ll feel better when you eat."

She glanced at him. "I’m fine."

He gave her a tiny reassuring smile, as much of one as he could manage. "It’s okay if you’re not."

She smiled slightly at those words. "I know," she said, but she didn’t trust her own words.

-

"Maybe I should call him ..."

"Then call him."

There was a pause. "But maybe I shouldn’t jump on it, you know? He didn’t tell me, maybe he doesn’t want me involved."

"Maybe it was just harder for him to tell you."

Howie stared down at the pizza growing cold in front of him, mulling over Kevin’s words. "Why?"

"I don’t know, ‘cause you’re closer to him."

"I thought that would make it easier."

"Not necessarily."

Howie realized he was the only one eating the pizza they had ordered. The only one with a piece in front of him anyway. Kevin said he wasn’t hungry, and Brian claimed he ate earlier. If that was true, what he ate remained a mystery since there wasn’t anything else edible in the whole place.

"I think I’ll just wait."

Kevin nodded absently, not giving a vocal answer. He didn’t know what to do.

In the sudden silence of the kitchen, Howie swore the clock got louder. It didn’t seem to be on the beat either. He heard the faint sound of a basketball from Brian’s room.

Kevin interrupted the silence.

"Does the fact that that bothers me make me an anal old man?"

An involuntary smile fought at Howie’s lips at the words. "What, the bouncing?"

"Yeah ... I told him to knock it off before and he called me an anal old man."

"He called you that?" Howie laughed.

"Yeah."

"That’s funny."

Kevin shook his head. "If I was anal, this place wouldn’t be so messy." He looked around at the kitchen and everything that was scattered around.

Howie was following his gaze. "It’s not that messy."

"Howie."

"Okay, it’s pretty messy."

Kevin shook his head again slightly and leaned back in his chair. Looking at the pizza was starting to make him feel a little sick. That and the bouncing. He was going crazy.

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Howie just stared down at the pizza, but Kevin was watching the clock. The ticking got louder. It was getting late.

"I think I’m gonna go for a drive," he said suddenly.

Howie looked up from his pizza, not saying anything.

"I’ll be back later." He needed to get away.

Howie frowned. "You want company?"

Kevin shook his head.

-

It just came over him. He was just sitting in his room, just staring at the floor and suddenly got into this cleaning mood, like his mind was forcing him to have some sort of a distraction.

She had gone to bed early. Before nine. He didn’t like how tired she was. He felt alone.

When he went to his room he just locked the door behind him, donned his headphones, and lit up a cigarette. He wore the headphones because he didn’t just want the music, he wanted the loudness. The kind of loudness that echoed through you. So loud you couldn’t think about anything but what you were hearing.

It wasn’t long though before the cigarette finished up and his batteries died, taking any attempt at relaxation with them. He tossed the walkman to the floor angrily as he sat up, watching the batteries spill out on the ground. They were dead. Useless. Gone.

He stared at them a minute, and then slowly slid off his bed and to his feet, picking the objects up as he went.

There was more though, not just the walkman and batteries. When he reached for the AA battery that had found its way under his bed, he saw the crap under there and started fixing that up too. When there was nothing left in his room to pick up, he started for the door, slowly unlocking it and pushing it open.

The hallway was quiet. He could hear every breath he took, as if it was amplified inside of his head with a giant speaker.

The kitchen was a mess. Plates and glasses were strewn over the counter again, papers were everywhere. He unloaded what was already in the dishwasher and replaced it with the new, cleaned up the papers, sponged off the counter and table.

He looked at it with a critical eye. He wanted to be able to fix something. Even if it meant moving one thing an inch. He pushed a chair closer into the table.

He was in the same process with their family room when he heard a voice.

"Alex?"

He started slightly, turning his eyes toward the noise. Denise was standing there, against the doorway, her face a mask of worried question. And not just one.

"Are you cleaning?" It was more a question of why than what. Her voice was lowered in volume, as if there were someone else in the apartment to wake.

AJ’s mind didn’t hear the question though, he only saw her. Her tired face. "Did I wake you?"

She shook her head. "No ... This can wait until tomorrow, baby, why don’t you try and get some sleep?"

He shook his head slightly in return.

"I appreciate it," she started, not sure of his intention. She moved toward him. "I really do, Aje. Thank you. I wish you would sleep though."

He didn’t answer.

"You don’t clean, kiddo. What’s up?" She caught his chin as he looked away.

"Nothing’s up. It was a mess," he said.

"Could you not sleep?"

He shrugged. "I didn’t try."

"Why?" She dropped her hand.

Another shrug. "Wasn’t tired."

There was a slight pause. "It’s late now. You want to try now?"

He nodded slightly in appeasement, not objecting to the hand that rested on his back. She was flipping off lights as they made their way to the hall. The door to his room was already open.

"You cleaned your room."

He nodded slightly, moving ahead of her.

"Aje?"

"Yeah?"

"Don’t smoke, alright?"

He raised his head , looking at her in surprise.

"Your room smells like smoke," she said, seeing his expression.

"Candles."

"You don’t have any candles."

"I hide them."

"With the cigarettes?"

He shook his head.

"Please, AJ. I’ve asked you before."

"Okay, mom. Goodnight." He kissed her on the cheek. "Get some sleep."

"You get some," she said, smiling slightly. She knocked him in the jaw gently then. "I don’t know about us, Alex. We need a vacation."

"Let’s take one." He raised his eyebrows.

"We can’t. I have to work. I don’t have any vacation days."

"I’ll buy you a vacation."

"You have to go to school." She tried a different tactic.

"I don’t need school for what I wanna do."

She shook her head firmly. She shouldn’t have said anything. "Go to bed, alright?"

"I’ll buy you one," he repeated.

"AJ."

"How many days?"

"Bed, AJ. I’m serious."

"One day."

"AJ-"

"A one day vacation."

"I’m serious, AJ."

He didn’t stop.

"One," she warned.

"You need a vacation."

"Two-"

He interrupted her counting. "That doesn’t work anymore, ma."

The look on her face was amused but at the same time it was serious. He wasn’t going to take his chances.

"Okay," he said quickly, scrambling toward his bed. "Good night."

"Night, AJ."

-

The door opened softly, but it was enough to jar him awake. He blinked at the lights he had shut his eyes against, stealing a glance at the clock. It was almost one in the morning.

At that, he sat up quickly. "Where were you?"

Kevin looked up in surprise at the words, pausing in the hall. He continued to pull off his jacket though, dropping it over the back of a chair as if he hadn’t been caught off-guard.

"Where?" Brian watched him from the sofa with a deepening frown. It looked like he had been wearing it for awhile.

Kevin only shook his head at it. "You get to bed."

"Where the hell were you?"

Kevin shot him a look. "Why are you still awake?"

"Why are you just getting in now?"

"Hush. You’re gonna wake up Howie."

"So?" Brian retorted.

Kevin studied the young face and let out an exasperated sounding breath. He moved closer so he could lower his voice. "What."

"You didn’t tell me you were going out."

"I told Howie."

"So? You didn’t tell me."

"Brian."

Brian didn’t answer, he just stared back at him coldly.

Kevin shook his head slowly. "Did you stay up and wait just to yell at me when I came back?"

"Yes."

"Well I don’t feel like talking right now."

"Why’d you go out? You were late. What if something had happened?"

"I’m seriously not in the mood, Littrell."

Brian’s eyes narrowed.

"I just felt like driving."

"That’s what Howie said," the younger said in a betrayed tone.

"Well Howie was right."

Brian watched him for a minute, taking a deep breath. He let a couple seconds go by. "You’re not the only one that’s upset you know."

Kevin stared at him, an unreadable, cold expression carved into his stony face. He said nothing.

"It’s not just you."

Nothing.

"You can’t just-"

"Can’t just what, Brian? I can’t just go take a drive when I want to get away for a bit? I can’t be by myself for awhile? I have to share everything with you?"

"I was worried," Brian said softly.

Kevin shook his head at that. "Just go to bed, alright?"

Brian pulled himself off of the couch as he muttered, "God forbid I was worried." As he walked past Kevin he purposely knocked into him.

Kevin just ignored it. He didn’t need his little cousin trying to counsel the world.

-

"Kevin told you."

Howie hadn’t opened his mouth yet, but the statement flew to him the second he sat down, as if it were tattooed across his forehead in bold letters. It messed up every tentative starting sentence he’d gone through planning in his head.

AJ didn’t seem to notice. "I was gonna tell you, I just didn’t. I couldn’t, I didn’t think that ... I don’t know, it was just different."

"AJ-"

"Really, Howie." He shook his head then. "I don’t know why."

Howie was frowning. Not being the first told wasn’t what his approach was about. "It’s okay ..."

"She’s going to be fine, you know? It’s not a big deal." AJ didn’t look at him as he recited the words. He gave a little shrug and then looked up. "I shouldn’t have told Kev."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because he ... I reminded him."

"You didn’t remind him."

"Yes, I did."

"Aje-"

"Look Howie, I know I barely know the guy but I can figure out that much."

Howie started shaking his head.

"Don’t shake your head. You know it’s true. My mom’s nothing like his dad, but now I’ve got him thinking about that. Great, huh? We’re quite a group."

"He thought about it all the time before."

"Maybe, but it’s different now."

Different now? Howie wondered how the kid came up with that after two days from the revelation.

"She is gonna be fine."

Howie looked at him. "I have no doubt about that. Your mom’s a strong lady."

"Yes, she is." AJ was studying his older friend now, as if looking for some sort of affirmation. Howie gave it in the form of a smile.

"You can tell me anything," he told him. "From now on, alright? Don’t worry about what it is. Anything."

"You too."

Howie forced himself not to roll his eyes at the words. The way that the kid always turned things into an equal deal, as if he felt unworthy to get more of something.

But all he said was, "Everything will work out. You’ll see."

AJ just nodded.

"What’s gonna work out?" Nick stood in front of them with a question on his face. Without the full context of their conversation, it was evident that he was lost.

"Everything," AJ told him vaguely.

Nick just sort of looked at him. Howie realized that the kid was the only one now that didn’t know.

"Yes?" AJ was saying.

Nick frowned. "What."

"Did you have to tell us something?"

"Oh yeah." Nick smiled slightly. "It’s your turn."

"My turn, my turn," AJ sang softly as he slid out of the chair.

"Good luck," Howie said.

"I don’t believe in luck."

"Yes, you do."

"I don’t, Howie."

"You do."

"I really don’t, Howie."

"You really do though."

"Howie." AJ had turned now, taking a step closer. "Don’t start."

"Go before they give up on you, kid."

"I don’t, Howie." There was almost a smile on his face though, when he turned away. But he was shaking his head. He wasn’t about to argue about luck at a vocal practice.

Howie glanced then at their youngest member, who had taken AJ’s seat and was kicking his feet slightly. He looked distracted.

"Do you believe in luck?"

Nick looked up, shrugging unsurely. "Yes ..." The answer was tentative.

"You don’t sound sure."

"I do."

"Yeah. Me too." Howie paused slightly. "I thought everybody did."

"Everybody does," Nick replied absently, starting out of the chair when a basketball started bouncing across the room. "Brian’s done," was his excuse for leaving Howie there alone.

Howie just thought about what he had said. Maybe the kid was right.

-

In two weeks of time, every single day was filled with something. A meeting, a practice, a rehearsal, a lesson, an interview. The interviews weren’t exactly exciting because they were drilled beforehand on what they were allowed to say to answer ever possible question that might be asked, and lectured on the ultimate disaster that would occur if they didn’t adhere to those guidelines. It was essentially a how-to on building character through restricted-answer interviews.

"How was it?"

AJ looked up. She had asked him earlier when she’d picked him up, but she’d seemed distracted then. Maybe she didn’t remember. He had been surprised to see her car outside then, he had assumed Howie would be dropping him off. He had liked seeing her there.

"Kind of slow." He gave the same answer he had given earlier. "We’re pretty much given the questions before. And told the answers."

"Well, you can understand that. I guess they don’t know you guys well enough yet. They wouldn’t want you to talk about your uncle the serial killer."

He smiled slightly, pulling some ice out of the freezer and dropping it into his glass. He listened to the clinking noise for a second. "You want something to drink?"

She shook her head. She opened her mouth as if she wanted to say something, but then shut it.

AJ frowned, reaching for a soda bottle in the fridge. That was the third time since she had picked him up that she’d done the same thing. "You want to ask me something."

Denise shook her head.

He twisted the cap off the bottle, letting it hiss. "You want to tell me something."

"Why do you say that?"

"I’m psychic."

She didn’t answer.

"So you do." AJ reached up and straightened his hat slowly before starting to pour. "What is it?"

She didn’t answer right away, and he stopped pouring to wait for the fizz to go down, watching it. "I have to go in for something this weekend."

He had started pouring again, concentrating on the glass. "What’s that mean? Go in where?"

"Hospital."

He looked up. "What?"

"Honey, watch what you’re doing."

The soda was overflowing onto the counter now, the glass already filled to the brim. He pulled the bottle upright out of reflex. Denise got up quickly from her seat to help, but he held up a hand, keeping her back.

"It’s a small thing, it’s just not something I can do as an outpatient this time."

He grabbed a sponge from the sink, concentrating on the mess.

"They should only keep me overnight."

He nodded slightly, his stomach retreating back into knots. Things had been going fine. So fine that he had started to think that it would always be fine. Things were only bad in the movies. Who wanted to watch a movie where it was fine in the end? The whole way through?

No one.

" ... Howie?"

He looked quickly from squeezing out the sponge over the sink, catching only the last words. "What?"

"I was wondering if you wanted to stay with Howie that night."

"I want to stay with you."

"You can’t, Aje."

"Then I’ll just stay here."

"You can invite Howie over here ..."

"Why can’t I be alone?"

"I don’t want you to be alone."

"Why?"

"AJ." Her voice was strained. "Please."

He went back to concentrating on the counter. The smell of the sponge and the soda was starting to make him nauseous.

"I thought you liked being with Howie."

"I do ... I just, I just want to be alone."

She shook her head.

"I can be alone and be fine."

"You can be there with me during the day, alright?"

He nodded.

"It’ll be fine. It’s just a little thing."

"If it is then why do you have to stay overnight?"

She circumvented the question. "After this they think that everything will be fine."

"I thought everything was fine."

"It is ..."

"It can’t-" He cut himself off quickly at her face. He was hurting her. He dropped the sponge into the sink. "I’m sorry ..."

"Don’t be sorry, it’s okay. We need to talk about this."

He watched her, the way she was breathing so evenly. In and out, in and out. He gave her a small smile. "You’ll be fine. Don’t be worried."

She returned the smile, not sure of the way he forced calmness on himself.

"I’m psychic, remember."

-

He realized it sitting on the cold wooden floor of the rehearsal room : the only way to keep at ease was to keep busy- concentrating on things that required your full attention so that you didn’t have to think about anything else. It was sitting still and thinking that made you drown.

Sitting still and thinking because coming to practices early seemed like a good idea. Darn Howie.

AJ took a deep breath from his spot on the ground, trying to filter out everything that was starting to wash over him. It wasn’t so easy.

The thought that the time could be used in asking Howie about that weekend sifted into his mind every few minutes, but he hesitated each time.

He played gently with the zipper on the duffel bag that he was sitting on, watching Howie. "We can just start."

Howie glanced away from the fliers on the wall he had been pretending to read in the uncomfortable silence. "With two people?"

"Three," AJ countered. Kevin had just walked through the door.

"Hey guys."

Howie gave a slight smile. No more one-on-one. "Hey."

AJ just stuck his water bottle in his mouth and stayed silent. He didn’t drink from it, he just kept it there. Kevin watched him for a second.

"Where’s Brian?" Howie was asking.

"Waiting for Nicky."

They turned inward and their conversation then fell to lowered voices.

AJ rubbed the side of his face with his other hand tiredly. He’d gotten almost no sleep the night before. He had listened to music the whole time and stared at the ceiling.

He was starting to think he should hang posters up there so that he’d have something to look at. Staring at blankness for eight hours was really starting to wear thin.

Staring at the wooden floor was starting to wear thin.

He set down the water bottle. They should just start.

The door to the room swung open again with a gust of chilled air, bringing the sound of Nick’s voice with it.

"Ten dollars."

Brian was shaking his head. "Man, it’s worth like fifty."

"Twenty."

"It’s worth fifty."

"I don’t have fifty," Nick argued. "I don’t even have twenty."

"Forty."

"Fifteen?"

"At least thirty."

"Brian, I don’t have thirty dollars."

"It’s worth fifty, Nicky. Giving it to you at thirty is a bargain."

"You’re not even ‘giving’ it to me at thirty, I would still be paying for it."

"Well it might as well be giving, seeing it’s minus twenty bucks."

Nick let out an annoyed huff and dropped onto the floor near AJ, not answering.

"Twenty-five," Brian allowed, dropping a duffel bag on the floor. He looked at it for a minute and then at Nick, eyes taking in AJ as they passed over him. "But that’s the lowest."

"Brian, I don’t even have twenty. I don’t even have the ten."

AJ turned his head at Nick’s heated statement, gaze finally broken from the floor. "Ten for what?"

Nick twisted sideways to look at him. "Brian says he has a basketball signed by Michael Jordan."

As AJ raised an eyebrow, Kevin lifted his head in surprise, his conversation with Howie having stopped. He gave Brian a look. "You do not, Littrell."

"Do too," Brian said quickly. "You know nothing."

"He wants fifty dollars for it," Nick stated.

"I said I’d take twenty-five," Brian objected. "Besides, maybe I don’t want to sell it anymore."

"That’s because you don’t have it."

"I do too, Kevin."

"You’re gonna show me when we get home."

"I don’t wanna show you."

"You’re going to, I wanna see."

"I don’t want to show you."

Nick interrupted. "Ten," he said.

"Twenty-five."

"I don’t have twenty-five, Brian!"

"Michael Jordan’s basketball is worth more than a lousy ten bucks," Brian countered.

Nick gave a little frown. "Well where is it?"

"My room."

"Your room here or Kentucky?"

"Here."

"Twenty-five dollars?"

"Mm-hm."

"Can I pay you over time?"

Brian struggled to keep his serious facade. "Well how long a period of time?"

Nick hesitated. Until he got rich one day. Twenty-five dollars rich. "Uh ...-"

With a slight smile fighting his lips, AJ interrupted. "I’ll give you thirty dollars. In one payment."

Brian looked at him. He hadn’t expected him to jump in. He’d been spaced since he came in the room.

"You will not!" Nick was arguing.

"I will too."

"You don’t even like basketball!"

"It’s a monetary investment."

"You don’t even know who Michael Jordan is, I bet."

"Oh come on, Nicky."

There was a pause.

"We can split it," the younger offered.

"Joint custody? Of a basketball?"

Nick just nodded.

AJ shook his head.

"I bet you don’t have thirty dollars," Nick stated.

"I can get it."

"How?"

There was only a slight hesitation. "Prostitution, Nick."

Howie looked up for the first time when that one word came out of AJ’s mouth. "Alex."

"Fine. Nick can have the non-existent ball."

"It’s existent!" Brian cut in.

Kevin shook his head. "You’re such a tease, Littrell."

Nick crossed his arms with a sullen expression. He didn’t know what was true.

"There’s no ball," AJ told him.

"How do you know."

"Psychic powers. Besides, look at him, he’s trying not to laugh."

"It would have been cool."

AJ shrugged; he didn’t really care about any basketball, he had just felt like jumping in. His gaze went back to the ground as the conversation dwindled down. Brian seemed to have given it a rest.

Something pulled at his arm.

"What’s wrong?"

He lifted his head at the question. "Nothing, Nick. Why?"

"You’re just staring at the ground."

"I’m tired. I just want to start."

Nick’s eyes were on the door, which was starting to open again. The instructor. He leaned back against the wall with a breath. He wasn’t as keen on the idea. "We are."

AJ started to pick himself up. Finally.

-

When Howie came into the kitchen, Brian was hanging the phone up heavily, an annoyed expression on his face.

"What’s up, kiddo? Jordan wants his ball back?"

He heard the younger man let out a huff. "My mom’s a nut case."

"Why’s that." Howie was too busy scanning the mail on the counter to look at him.

"’Maybe you should come home, if you’re not sure, it’s never too late to change your mind’," Brian mocked. "‘You can pick up the things you left here and go to college next year, like we planned’."

"Ah ..."

"All she does is tell me that I’ve got lots of things waiting for me at home. And that just because I’m here doesn’t mean I have to stay here. She worries too much. She always does."

"What, did you expect her to just sit there back home and not worry?"

"Yes," Brian said, even though he hadn’t.

Howie shook his head slightly. "Don’t worry, man, my mom’s like that and she lives in the same city as me."

Brian gave a small smile.

"And you’re younger than me too." When he thought about it, Howie really didn’t think his mom would have let him go live off alone with two older guys at Brian’s age, even if one of them were his cousin. "The fact you’re here right now shows she supports you."

Brian didn’t look convinced.

"Seriously, man. You just need to keep her informed on what’s going on and she won’t worry so much."

"I’m not young anyway, I’d be off next year by myself."

"Mm-hm," Howie allowed, hiding his smile. He was young.

"Besides, you and Kev take care of everything."

The phone rang.

Brian’s eyes widened slightly. "It’s her again, I swear it’s her."

"You wanna answer it?"

"I bet she found another reason."

Howie laughed, reaching for the phone.

"Or made plane reservations." Brian frowned suddenly. "If she made plane reservations ..."

"Hello?"

Brian pushed at his shoulder. "Tell her I’m not here."

"Oh hey, Aje." Howie smiled as a wave of relief washed over Brian’s face. He turned away with the phone. "What’s up?"

"Not much," came the voice on the other line. "How’re you doing?"

"Fine, man. Just hanging out, you wanna come over?"

"Nah ... No, I’m cool." There was a slight hesitation. "This weekend though, are you doing anything this weekend?"

"No, why, you having a party?" Howie teased. He knew what was coming though; Denise had approached him about it a couple days ago, to make sure. He waited for what AJ’s explanation would be.

"My mom has to go in for something and she doesn’t want me to be alone, so can I stay with you?"

Flat out. Howie was a little surprised.

"Yeah, buddy, of course. You’re always welcome here, you know that."

"Thanks ... I don’t want her to worry about me on top of everything."

Howie nodded slightly to himself, playing with the twisting phone cord. AJ never wanted anybody to worry. He covered that himself. "How’re you doing?"

"Me? Great ... Listen, I gotta go."

He never could talk.

"Bye Howie, thanks."

"Alright, later, buddy." He hung up the phone as he heard the microwave start to hum. Brian was waiting in front of it.

"He coming this weekend?"

"Yeah ..." Howie turned to get a glass out of the cabinet. "He told me exactly why too."

"Why wouldn’t he?"

Howie sent him a look but Brian wasn’t looking up from the microwave. As he went to go get the juice container out of the fridge, he heard the front door open.

"I’m home," a voice said.

Brian took it upon himself to be the one to answer. "No one cares!"

Kevin reached for him at the words, shutting the door behind him. "Excuse me?"

"I said no one cares." Brian elbowed him away, his intent watch on the microwave vanishing. "Howie, our fun’s over."

Howie smiled slightly. "Darn."

"Kev? My mom called again."

"Yeah?"

Brian played with a bowl on the counter. "Yeah. I think the problem’s with you. She doesn’t trust you."

Kevin knocked him in the shoulder. "Why?"

"She thinks you abuse me, which is true."

"I don’t abuse you."

The microwave suddenly beeped and Brian looked up.

"Shit," he said loudly.

Kevin sent him a look. "Hey."

Brian was too busy opening up the little gray door to acknowledge the chiding. His face was shocked.

Howie tried to look past him to see what the problem was. "What were you making?"

The answer was hesitant. "Ice cream ..."

Howie made a face. "In the microwave?"

"It was too hard to scoop ... I was watching it so it wouldn’t melt."

"Brian ..."

"It’s your fault, Kevin, you distracted me." He lifted out the container sadly. "It’s still good. It can be ... milk."

Kevin peered into the container. "Mint chocolate milk with chunks, pal."

-

He thought he had hidden his hesitation at the door pretty well, when he first stepped into the hospital room and saw that woman lying there in the first bed. Her skin was grayish; her breathing was labored. His eyes sort of clung to her. For a second.

Denise’s bed was the other one, the one behind the greenish sliding-curtain partition. He didn’t have to look at that grayish lady anymore. He had found his mother.

"It’s a nice room." That was the first thing he could think of to say to her.

Denise pressed an easy smile at him, knowing that it hadn’t changed from the same tiny plain room she’d first come to twenty minutes ago. Plain. Green. She’d been in the bed ten minutes and they already had stuck an IV in her arm.

"You have a pretty view."

"Sweetheart, it’s the parking lot."

AJ nodded slowly, leaning up against the lowered sill to get a better look. "Well at least it’s not generators or heating vents or something."

"Right." She watched him a minute. "Hey."

He turned his head.

"How’s it going?"

AJ smiled. "Good."

She couldn’t tell if it was forced or not. "Tell me something good."

"It’s the weekend."

The weekend. "Anything else?"

There was a pause.

"You got the view, and she," he motioned the curtain, raising his eyebrows, "didn’t."

There was a muffled groan from the other side of the curtain and his smile faltered. He tried to pull it back into place but failed.

"It’s okay," Denise said.

AJ wanted to be the one saying that to her, but the chance always seemed to escape him.

"She just came out of surgery."

He nodded slightly. Just came out of surgery.

Denise shifted in the bed, letting out a long silent breath to try and calm her stomach. "So what time’s Howie coming?"

"I’m meeting him in the lobby in ten minutes." AJ reached up to feel for his hat, but realized he hadn’t worn anything. His hand dropped. "We’re gonna come back up."

"It’s gonna take you ten minutes to get down there, AJ."

He seemed to look at his watch intently.

"Go ahead."

"I’ll be right back," he said, looking at her.

"Go ahead."

As AJ left the room he heard another groan from the gray woman in the other bed. He frowned.

Outside in the hall he saw a poster on the wall.

‘At age 30 a woman's chances of developing breast cancer are 1 in 2,525. By age 50 her chances are 1 in 50, and by age 70 they are 1 in 14.

Among women ages 40 to 55 breast cancer is the number one cause of death.

But at Memorial, we make a difference.’

He moved away from it.

The elevator down was empty. He wondered if anyone would hear him if he screamed.

Howie wasn’t there yet when he got to the lobby downstairs. He stood for a second, just out of range of the automatic doors at the entrance, sliding his sneaker-clad foot against the pristine tiles of the floor. He couldn’t make any scuff marks. He tried. It wasn’t possible.

There was a small gift shop there; it caught it eye for no reason other than there was stuff to look at. Without even thinking about it he found himself in there, looking around. There were all sorts of ‘get well’ things- bears, cards, balloons, shirts.

He found himself pulling an arrangement of flowers off a rack.

"Are those for me?"

He turned, surprised to hear Howie’s voice.

"Are they?"

"Yeah, I love you, Howie."

"I know, dude. But red’s not my color."

AJ ignored him and went to the register. A little white-haired lady sat behind there, a volunteer pin introducing itself brightly from her shirt.

"That’ll be four-fifty."

He dug up four dollars and started looking for change. The sound of two quarters being dropped on the counter made him look up.

Howie flicked him in the shoulder. "People are waiting."

AJ gave him a look as they exited the small shop.

"It’s my contribution."

AJ accepted that and pushed the up button for the elevator. "Did you have a good day?"

"Pretty good, yeah."

"Did you go to your class?"

"Not today."

AJ raised his eyebrows.

"What," Howie returned, smiling. "Did you go to school?"

"I spent the day with my mom," AJ said with a laugh. He pushed his older friend into the elevator with his free hand. "Did you spend your day with your mom?"

Howie didn’t answer, he just smiled.

"I didn’t think so."

As they got closer to the floor, Howie noticed AJ leaning against the wall kind of heavily. The look on his face had already changed from the one back in the gift shop, the one from when they first got on the elevator.

Howie grabbed the few seconds left in that space that they had. "These places are never fun."

AJ looked up. "I didn’t say anything."

"You didn’t have to."

AJ shrugged.

"I remember ... we were here last month with Caroline, she had some complications and stuff. You’re never really here for good reasons, it’s never fun."

"Unless you’re having a baby," AJ said. But he was thinking of Caroline. Howie had his own crap to deal with, and there he was.

"Right, unless you’re having a baby."

The silver doors slid open slowly.

"How’s Caroline?"

"Good. Better." Howie sent him a smile at the question.

AJ cleared his throat. "Mom’s only here overnight at least. That’s good. I think the more you’re here, the sicker you get."

"That’s not true."

"It can be."

On the floor, they were starting to serve food. Volunteers were wheeling big carts with the covered plastic trays. The smell was starting to seep down the halls, a strange smell.

Denise was looking out the window when they came into the room. Howie was the first to speak, and in an enthusiastic tone too.

"Hey! How’re you doing?" He leaned in to hug her, planting a kiss on her cheek.

AJ was wondering why only the grayish woman had a food tray on her side table. He didn’t hear any of Denise and Howie’s exchange.

"They didn’t give you food?" He stood a bit back, with the flowers.

Denise looked up, shaking her head. "I can’t eat anything tonight before surgery."

"You can’t?"

"Perfect diet," she said to Howie with a smile. He chuckled. AJ didn’t really share the amusement, but he moved closer, trying to block the sleeping, groaning woman from his mind. He held out the flowers.

"Here mama, here’s your pretty view."

Her eyes crinkled, a surprised expression on her face. "Aw ... Alex."

"I decided you were right about the parking lot after all."

"Thank you ..." She pulled him in for a kiss as he placed the flowers on the table next to her, pulling them forward so that they’d be in easy view. "That was really sweet."

"Howie paid two quarters."

"Thank you, Howie," Denise said dutifully, sending him a smile.

"Anytime."

"And I mean two physical quarters," AJ was saying. "Not percentage."

Howie rolled his eyes at AJ.

"Speaking of money, do you guys need any money for dinner? Food?"

Howie shook his head. "We’re set. Actually my mom’s invited us all over for dinner," he said, raising his eyebrows in question to AJ. "If you want."

Denise sent Howie a quick, exaggerated nod.

He caught that message. Take him.

"That’s really nice of her," she said.

"She enjoys it. Seeing this crazy kid." Howie nudged AJ, who smiled. "It’s been awhile. And she’s only met the other guys a couple of times."

"What time is she expecting you?"

He looked down at his watch, shrugging a tiny bit.

"You think you should get going?"

AJ interrupted. "Are you trying to get rid of us?"

"No babe, I’m just going to be going for some tests soon, and I didn’t think it would be worth you waiting around until they’re through."

AJ played with part of the blanket on the bed. "What sort of tests?"

"Just preliminary stuff."

AJ found a pull on the end. "We can wait, right Howie?"

Howie was looking at Denise as AJ looked at him, and she was shaking her head.

"It’ll be too late."

"It won’t be -"

"Alex, it will be. I’ll be fine."

Howie nudged AJ’s side, but didn’t get any sort of acknowledgment.

"I’ll call you tonight," AJ offered. "So you won’t be bored."

Denise gave a slight smile. "That sounds good. You guys have a good time."

The moan from the other side of the curtain interrupted any answer AJ had.

To break the silence, Howie moved in first instead to give his good bye for the night. He nudged AJ when he finished, watching as the boy leaned over the bed to give his mother a hug.

"Don’t cause any trouble," AJ told her.

"That goes for you too. I love you."

"I love you too. Have a good night." He held onto her a little longer and then pulled back, bumping into Howie slightly.

When they reached the lobby downstairs, he let out a long breath. He felt guilty for being glad to get out of there.

Howie gave him a curious look. "Tired?"

AJ rubbed the side of his face. "Yeah."

-

"It’s not fair."

Those were the three blunt words that greeted them when they stopped back at the guys’ place on the way to dinner. They were from Nick.

"What’s not fair?" Howie took in the scene before him. Kevin and Nick looked like they were ready to go somewhere, and Brian was on the couch. Looking like he wasn’t about to move any time soon.

AJ stayed in the doorway to the room, behind Howie, leaning against the frame.

Kevin was the one who answered. "His mom wants to start back home, so he can’t come to dinner with us." His facial expression gave away more than his words- he’d been hearing about it for the past fifteen minutes.

Howie just sent both of them a sympathetic frown.

"I hate my mother," Nick spat.

AJ looked up, a frown pasted on his face. "That’s not cool, man."

"It’s true."

"Hey." Kevin poked Nick in the shoulder gently. "It’s not like this is your only chance to eat dinner with us."

Nick’s expression didn’t change. To him, it didn’t matter. It was just one more mark in the book, and one more time he didn’t get to do the things they did.

"Don’t hate your mom."

"You guys always get to do things together." Nick ignored AJ’s words, still dwelling on the fact that yet again it was just the four of them.

"No, we don’t," Kevin argued.

"What if your mom got hit by a truck," AJ was saying. He hadn’t moved from the doorway.

They all looked at him.

"Would you still hate her?"

Nick’s mouth fell open slightly.

"Aje," Howie interrupted, brow furrowed. "Come on."

"What? You never know what’s gonna happen."

Nick was looking at him like he’d just been told that his mother was hit by a truck. He didn’t even feel Kevin squeeze the back of his neck.

"AJ, hush," Kevin said.

"I’m just saying." But he did hush. He moved out of the doorway too, more into the hall.

"Let’s go. Nicky, your mom’s probably waiting."

"Probably," Nick mumbled.

Howie had already stepped out into the hall after AJ, but he didn’t say anything. He knew he’d only be blown off. He kept quiet.

One last person.

"Brian, let’s go," Kevin said.

Brian looked over at him for the first time.

"Come back to the land of the living."

"I am living," Brian countered. But his movements to turn off the TV and get up off the couch were sluggish.

"What’s the matter?"

"Nothing."

"Kentucky lost?"

"Yeah ..."

"Is that what’s the matter?"

"No." Brian seemed to give him an irritated look just for thinking that.

"What’s the matter then?" Kevin caught the back of his cousin’s shirt, giving a tug. It was gentle, but he wasn’t letting go. "Tell me before we leave."

"I told you already. Nothing. I’m just tired." Brian pried at his hand, frowning. "Stop."

"You sure?"

"Yes ..."

"Positive?"

Brian pulled away from him as he grabbed his jacket from the back of a chair. "If you don’t stop, I’m not gonna drive with you, I’m gonna drive with Howie."

Kevin gave a sad face. "And leave me alone?"

"Yes."

"That’s not very nice."

"I don’t care."

Kevin concentrated on looking sad as he made his way to the door. Brian ignored it and just turned his head away as he pulled the door shut behind him. He knew he wasn’t serious.

When they got out to the parking lot, still in silence, AJ and Howie were standing by Howie’s old car. Nick wasn’t anywhere in sight.

"He’s gone already?"

Howie shrugged. "His mom seemed to be in a big rush. She didn’t even say hi."

Brian kicked at one of the tires on Kevin’s pickup. "Too bad he couldn’t come."

"We’ll plan better next time."

"He should just stay over with us."

"His mom would still have to come back out to get him," Kevin said. He gave Brian a push as his tires were kicked again. "Leave my tires."

"We could drive him back."

"That’s a good 2 hour drive, pal."

"So?"

"Two hours."

"So?"

Howie cut in. "We’ll make plans in advance next time."

"Okay."

Kevin rolled his eyes as Brian easily agreed with Howie. Just like that.

"Let’s just get going," he said, unlocking the door to his truck. He wasn’t too surprised to see Brian waiting for him to unlock the passenger door. As he reached across, he wished for the thousandth time that he had automatic locks. "So you’re with me, huh?"

"Yes ..."

Kevin pulled out of the lot behind Howie. "AJ’s really quiet, huh?"

"Yeah," Brian agreed.

"You think he’s doing okay?"

"Why don’t you ask him."

"People don’t like when I ask them what’s wrong." Kevin gave him a pointed look.

Brian shifted in his seat, looking out the window. "Yeah they do."

Kevin hid his smile, shaking his head slightly. He could never win.

-

Paula had a big hug for AJ when they came.

She had a big hug for everyone, but the one for AJ seemed bigger. Howie noticed, and he just smiled. He’d expected that.

"How’re you doing?" She’d asked everyone the same thing in her lightly accented voice, but for him it was different. Even though it was worded the same.

AJ gave the same answer anyway, throwing in a smile. "Good."

She squeezed his side gently after feeling how thin he was through the hug. "Don’t you eat anymore?"

He gave another smile. "Every day." He didn’t say how much everyday.

"Well you’re gonna eat a lot tonight, right?"

"Of course, you’re cooking."

Howie shook his head. The kid had an innate ability of sucking up.

"Thanks so much for having us," Kevin spoke up. He was always the first one. "We really appreciate it."

"Any time. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen you all." Paula raised her eyebrows, a smile at her lips. "My son’s becoming a stranger ..."

"Ma, I saw you yesterday." Howie rolled his eyes.

"Yesterday, yesterday."

Brian watched them silently, trying to remember the last time he saw his own mother. The days kind of ran into each other.

Next thing he knew, Kevin was giving him a nudge. They were moving from the hallway.

"You feel alright?"

"Yeah."

"You sure?"

"Yup." Brian surveyed the kitchen, his blue eyes taking everything in. Howie’s mom had set the table really nice. Everything was all ready. She had even lit some candles.

Kevin watched him carefully. The way the kid was looking at the table. The home-cooked food. "You’re homesick," he said softly.

Brian turned his head at Kevin’s words. "No, I’m not." He wasn’t homesick.

"It’s okay to be."

"But I’m not."

Everyone was sitting down, so Kevin let it go.

"Dad’s not home?" Howie was asking.

"He had to work a little later. He might be back before you guys go."

"That’s too bad he can’t eat with us."

AJ thought it was nice with just the five of them. It was better. He absently listened as Howie’s mom said some sort of grace, his mind wandering to what Denise was doing right then. He suddenly couldn’t remember if the surgery was that night or the next morning.

Well he had said that he’d call her and she hadn’t made any note that she wouldn’t be in the room, so it must have been the next morning. Unless she just didn’t want to say.

"-some?"

AJ turned his head at Kevin’s voice. "Sorry ..."

"I was asking if you wanted any mashed potatoes." The man was already plopping a bunch on his plate without waiting for an answer. Evidently he was going to eat a lot.

"That’s good." AJ stared down at it as though it were some alien life form.

"You alright?"

AJ nodded.

"Just thinking?"

"Yeah." He would have to concentrate on not staring off into his plate. He looked at Kevin.

But he kept thinking of that lady that was groaning in the bed next to his mom, and he started to lose his appetite. His face must have shown it.

"Think about something else," Kevin said. "Just think about right now."

It wasn’t that easy, but Kevin knew that. AJ just nodded. He wanted his mom to have a new roommate. She didn’t need that. Maybe he could request a new one.

He tried to focus on everyone else instead of the groaning and moaning in his head.

"How’re you liking Florida now?" Paula was asking Brian.

Brian looked up from his plate, a little off-guard. How did he like it? Great. It was great. "Uh, it’s nice."

"You getting used to it?"

"Yes, ma’am ... it’s different."

Paula smiled at the politeness. "It’s a big change. At least you’ve got family in Kevin though."

Brian nodded. Kevin. Yeah.

"How’s your mom doing with you being gone?"

Not well. Brian struggled not to make a face. He couldn’t hide the frown.

Howie’s mom smiled knowingly. "You’re the youngest, right?"

He nodded.

"It’s always hardest with the youngest."

Howie didn’t miss the glance she threw at him. "Aw, don’t get all nostalgic on us tonight, mom."

"It just goes by so fast."

AJ looked up from his alien piles of food and regarded her silently. It goes by so fast. She didn’t catch his look; she was too busy telling Howie that it felt like only yesterday that he was learning how to walk.

Brian was watching him from across the table, a weird expression on his face as their eyes met. Somewhere between being distracted and pinpointing something at the same time.

The look quickly fled as Kevin offered him more potatoes. Brian just shook his head, pulling his still full plate away. AJ started pushing his chair back.

"Can I be excused? I’ll be right back."

No one objected, so he took it as a yes.

Exiting the warm kitchen felt like fleeing from some giant pressure hovering over his head. He flipped on a light in the hall, moving slowly down the familiar hallway to where he knew the bathroom was. He grabbed the cordless phone off of a table as he went, listening as the conversation from the kitchen faded from his hearing.

He had written the number for the hospital on his hand. He had promised to call. He was going to call. He struggled to make out the quickly scrawled numbers across his palm as he pulled the bathroom door shut behind him, locking it.

The last digit hadn’t really fit, and he was trying to decipher whether it was a four or a nine. Feeling pressed for time, he quickly dialed with the four.

With a breath of relief, he listened as the hospital answered. He asked for her room.

"One moment please ..."

Ringing.

Ringing.

He leaned up against the marbled sink counter, counting the rings in his head. He shut his eyes slowly as no one answered. Tears started to press against the closed lids as it hit him and he put down the toilet seat, sitting quickly.

She must have gone into surgery. Before he called.

And it would be too late to call, when she got out. She would be like that woman, moaning and groaning.

AJ suddenly felt sick.

He had promised he would call her, but he didn’t. And it was too late.

Back in the kitchen, conversation had shifted to what they had been doing with the group and little funny things that had happened, to what she had been doing and anything else relevant.

Then the conversation had just sort of stopped, and their eyes were all sort of eyeing the empty chair next to Kevin. It had been awhile.

"How’s he doing?" Mama D’s accented voice was lowered, as if AJ would be listening. She was looking at Howie for the answer, but he just gave a slight shrug.

"Can’t tell, ma."

"He’s good," Brian said.

They all looked at him then, but he had stuck a spoon in his mouth and was ignoring their eyes.

"I’ll go check on him," Kevin spoke up, looking away from Brian and pushing his chair back.

Howie hesitated. "Maybe I should ...?"

"I’ve got it, it’s okay."

Brian watched Kevin leave the room, eyes lingering on the doorway.

"It’s hard," Howie’s mom said, after what felt like a few minutes. "Having someone sick."

Brian’s eyes went to her. She was looking at Howie.

Howie was nodding.

Brian felt like he’d been pushed to the ground. He pulled the spoon out of his mouth and dropped it on the table, pushing back his chair.

Kevin was in front of the bathroom down the hall, leaning against it with his arms above his head, resting on the frame. He was saying something through the door, but Brian figured he could try a different way.

He slipped under his cousin’s raised arms and knocked hard against the wood. Kevin’s arms immediately came down as he caught him by the waist to pull him away from the door, but Brian got in another series of knocks.

"AJ ... - AJ, I gotta pee!"

Kevin started to smile, relinquishing his hold. Always helping in his own way.

Brian waited for the response, leaning against the door. He couldn’t hear anything through the wood. Nothing. He waited for a minute and was finally turning toward Kevin when he felt the door start to open. He quickly straightened up.

AJ stood there, the only signs of tears being the redness near his eyes. Other than that, nothing. His face was deadpan. "There isanother bathroom, you know."

"But I really gotta pee," Brian said. He really didn’t.

AJ smiled a little, the blankness gone, glad for the relief. Attention off of him, if only for a moment. He noticed the questioning look toward the phone in his hand and gave it a glance as well. "My mom," he said.

The directness, again. Kevin gave a little nod. "How’s she doing?"

"I wouldn’t know, she wasn’t there. I didn’t call." His answer sounded rather cryptic, even to himself. He wasn’t surprised when he got a questioning look in return. "I told her I’d call but she’s already gone to surgery so ..." He trailed off as the moaning started echoing in his head again.

"You told us her surgery was tomorrow morning."

AJ stared at Kevin, frowning. He felt a little uneasy at still being cornered at the bathroom door, so he stepped to the side. He figured that would let Brian through, but the guy didn’t make any rush toward the facility.

Kevin repeated himself. "Her surgery’s not tonight, Aje."

"Yeah, it is." The frown didn’t leave his face. He had convinced himself it was that night. It was that night and he had missed her. His eyes went down the hall. "Where’s Howie?"

"He’s still in the kitchen."

His eyes shot back to Kevin. "Did he say it was tomorrow?"

"It’s what you said earlier."

"But why would I say that?"

"Because that’s when it is," Kevin reasoned, trying to calm him. "You’re just upset, that’s why you don’t remember. You can try her again. I’m sure she’s just out of the room for a little bit."

AJ looked at him a second and then started down the hall, back toward the kitchen. Howie would know. He always knew.

Kevin took the opportunity to look at Brian. "You okay?"

Brian nodded. "I gotta go."

"I thought you were kidding."

"I was," Brian said, but it didn’t stop him from disappearing behind the bathroom door and closing it. Kevin shook his head and started back down the hallway in the direction AJ had gone. Back to the kitchen.

"- tomorrow morning, man," Howie was saying, in the midst of clearing off the table with his mom. Paula must have given up on dinner. Kevin felt sort of bad.

"Okay," AJ said, looking more relieved. "I couldn’t remember." He glanced behind him as he heard Kevin come into the kitchen.

Kevin wondered why it was never the same coming out of his mouth as it was coming out of Howie’s.

"You didn’t eat much," Paula started, touching AJ’s arm as she finished with the last plate off the table. "You alright? Just worried?"

He nodded slightly, and let himself be hugged as she pulled him in. A mother hug. He smiled slightly.

"She’ll be fine," the accented voice said softly as they were close. "Have faith."

"I know, I do." And he did, when she said it.

"Aw ..." An amused voice came from behind them. Howie. "Is this a group hug?"

"No," AJ said, trying not to laugh. But Howie had already caught them both, squeezing them tightly. "I can’t breathe, Howard."

Howie just gave a tighter squeeze, rewarded with AJ laughter. Not a lot, but it was something. He only let them go then, kissing his mom on the cheek lightly. He looked toward AJ with no intention of kissing him, but the younger boy took a step back as if expecting the same, a tiny smile on his face.

"That’s okay, Howie. Really."

When Brian came back out and saw them all smiling, he smiled too. That and there was dessert. Kevin wasn’t sure which was the reason.

-

"We should watch a movie."

Kevin dropped his keys on the kitchen counter and disappeared as AJ stole the portable phone and did the same. Howie was the only one still in the kitchen, but he went straight to the fridge for something to drink, not even hearing Brian’s words.

He turned to find the younger man looking at him, a little disappointedly. "What?"

Brian just looked back at him. Then, "Nobody listens to me."

"We listen to you."

"What’d I say?"

Howie hesitated there, tilting his head to the side. After a minute, he gave up. "Did you want something to drink?"

"That’s not what I said."

"I was just offering."

"No." Brian knocked his sneaker-clad foot against the bottom of the counter softly. "No ... I’m gonna go rent a movie. Would you watch a movie with me?"

Howie was tired, but he had the feeling Brian was feeling a little lonely. He didn’t want to add to that. "Sure, man. You want me to go with you to get one?"

Brian shrugged and fingered Kevin’s keys on the counter.

"I’ll take you," Howie offered.

Brian shrugged again.

"Kevin’ll kill you if you try and drive his truck." Howie waited for some sort of smile, but Brian’s expression stayed the same so he stopped. "What’s wrong?"

Brian stared down at the keys for a second, debating in his mind.

"Something’s wrong," Howie persisted. "C’mon, you say no one listens."

Brian looked up, letting a few seconds tick by to gather his words. "I can’t help."

"Help with what?"

"Things," he said slowly. "I can’t help AJ, I don’t know what to say. And if I do say something I’ll be wrong because I can’t ‘relate’ at all ... Kevin can relate but I can’t help him either. And he needs help too, a year’s not long but I couldn’t help him then either so-"

"Bri, easy," Howie said, trying to process his jumble of words. He let a couple seconds go by before speaking. "You help. It’s being there, not being able to ‘relate’. Not being able to relate is a good thing. You’ve been doing fine."

Brian shook his head. "I’ve been pretending to everybody that nothing’s wrong."

Howie had thought that was just the way that the kid dealt with things. Well, in a way maybe it was. "You’ve been fine," he repeated. "I get frustrated too."

"You can help though. I’m the only one that can’t. Me and Nicky, but Nicky doesn’t even know. So just me."

"You just help in a different way, that’s all. You get our mind off of stuff."

Brian just looked at him, as if to say, ‘Give me a break’.

"It’s not good to dwell on something a hundred percent of the day. You’re our relief."

"It’s not helping."

"It is."

"Kevin doesn’t like when I’m a ‘relief’." Brian jingled the keys on the counter, focusing on them. "Sometimes I think he regrets asking me out here."

Howie stared at him, shaking his head. "That’s so far from the truth, Brian."

"No, I can tell."

"No, you can’t," Howie countered, smiling slightly.

"Why’re you laughing?" Brian looked hurt by his expression.

"Because it’s funny you think that."

"It’s not funny."

Before Howie could answer, the phone rang and Brian grabbed it off the hook.

"Hello?"

"Hey. Is Kevin there?" the voice on the other line asked.

"Sure, hold on. Who’s this?"

"Laura."

Laura.

Brian made a face. He knew the voice sounded familiar. Too bad he’d said Kevin was there already. He covered the mouthpiece of the phone and turned to Howie. "Can you tell Kev the phone’s for him?"

"Sure." Howie disappeared and Brian lifted the phone back to his ear, waiting. He heard Kevin pick up a few moments later and was about to hang up.

But he didn’t. Temptation froze his hand.

Brian covered the mouthpiece again to hide any noise and waited. Kevin sounded happy to hear from her. She sounded happy to be talking to him. Brian frowned. If Kevin took her back, he was the stupidest man alive.

She started talking about how she missed being with him. Brian tried not to gag.

"What’re you doing?"

Brian spun around at AJ’s lowered voice, heart beating fast at being caught off-guard. He just held a finger up to his lips, warning AJ to be quiet.

AJ raised his eyebrows. "Tell me later," he whispered.

Brian went back to concentrating on the phone.

He didn’t even think anything when Kevin told her to hold on. He didn’t even notice anyone behind him until the receiver was pulled out of his hand and hung up.

Kevin pinched him hard in the side.

"I didn’t hear you pick up," Brian said quickly.

"Liar." The tone was irritated. Nothing was private. "Mind. Your. Business."

"Kev-"

"Enough’s enough. Just stop, Brian." Kevin flicked him before starting toward the door.

"Don’t talk to her," Brian persisted as the man moved. He was ignored.

Howie had watched the scene from the doorway, and had stayed silent until Kevin moved past him. "Don’t get mad at him," he whispered, catching the older man’s arm.

"Why?"

"Just don’t. Believe me."

Kevin let out an frustrated huff and pulled his arm away, starting back to where he had left the other phone with Laura waiting. Somehow, Howie always knew something that he didn’t.

"He’s gonna fall for it again ..."

Howie glanced in the direction of the mutter. "Brian, I don’t think you should worry about that."

"Well, I am. She’s just gonna hurt him again. He knows it too. He doesn’t need that."

"Kev’ll realize that himself then."

"He already realized it himself, last time."

AJ had popped back into the room and was listening to the conversation, chewing the edge of his thumb. "Sometimes, people have to see it for themselves."

Brian just looked at him. "What’s that supposed to mean?"

AJ shrugged.

"Who told you that?"

"Kevin."

Brian stayed silent. Figured. He never got any advice.

"You’re jumping to conclusions," Howie was saying. "Why does one phone call have to spur a long-term relationship?"

"It doesn’t. It’s the short-term one that’s the problem."

"Brian." Exasperation.

"Okay fine, I’ll stay out. I’ll stay out of everything. Nothing’s my business. Not even my family." As Brian brushed past them out of the room, AJ’s eyes drifted slowly to Howie.

"Is he okay?"

"I don’t know. I think maybe he’s homesick."

"Maybe ..."

Howie ran his fingers along the counter top. "I guess he sort of feels left out."

AJ frowned. "How?"

"I don’t know, middle child syndrome." There, it had a name.

"He’s not a middle child."

"With us he is."

AJ thought about that for a minute.

"Honestly though," Howie said, "I think it’s something with Kevin. I could be wrong though."

"Yeah," AJ said, unsure.

"Anyway, how’s your mom? Did you get in touch okay?"

AJ smiled. "Yeah. She’s good."

Howie smiled back. It was amazing what a difference one phone call in touch made to the kid’s mind-set. But he knew how it was. "That’s good. I bet she was glad you called."

AJ nodded. "Yeah, she was. She feels good about tomorrow too."

"Good, I’m glad." And if she felt good then AJ felt good, and so he felt good.

AJ twisted the end of his shirt between his fingers, leaning against the wall a little. He was hesitating. "Do you think that you can drive me over early before she goes though? Just so I can see her? I wanna be around."

Howie had expected that. "Yeah, buddy. I think that’s a good idea."

AJ looked pleased that he agreed.

"Brian’s trying to make me mad," Kevin stated, unknowingly interrupting as he came into the kitchen behind AJ. He was through with the phone. "I swear to God."

"He just wants some attention from you."

"I give him attention, Howie." Kevin grabbed a glass out of the cabinet and opened the fridge roughly. "And if he keeps it up, he’s gonna get a different kind."

"What’s he doing?"

"Slamming the ball into the wall that’s shared with my room. Try and have a conversation on the phone with that."

AJ watched from the doorway, dropping his hand away from his mouth for the first time. Kevin glanced at him, shutting the refrigerator door.

"How’re you doing?"

"He really doesn’t like Laura, huh?"

Kevin didn’t answer. He looked like he couldn’t remember what he had gotten the glass for.

"Did I ever meet Laura?"

"No."

"Are you with her again?"

"AJ, we had one phone call."

"So are you?"

Not him too. Kevin didn’t answer, he just looked at him.

"You can tell me." AJ gave him a smile. A wheedling one.

"What’s your interest?"

"Nothing, I was just wondering."

"Well nothing’s going on," Kevin said. "It was just a phone call." He was repeating himself, and it was getting harder and harder not to get tired of it. So he changed the subject. "You call your mom?"

"Yup." AJ twisted at the cloth of his shirt again. "She’s fine. Howie’s gonna bring me tomorrow morning."

"That’s good." Kevin glanced at Howie. "Good." He let out a breath, putting the glass down on the counter. "Listen guys, I think I’m gonna go out for a bit."

"Where?"

"Just around."

Howie didn’t think that was the best thing to do, but he wasn’t about to argue. Maybe the guy just needed some time alone. "Tell Brian."

"You can tell him."

"He likes you telling him."

Kevin muttered something under his breath, starting toward the door to the hall. He grabbed his coat along the way, and his keys.

AJ followed him.

Down the hall. Kevin tapped gently on the already open door to the bedroom. Brian was lying flat on his back on his bed, staring at the ceiling. The basketball lay still on his chest. His arms must have gotten tired.

"I’m going out." The knock hadn’t gotten any sort of response. Just a slight glance.

"So?"

"I’m just telling you. Like you wanted me to last time." Kevin felt a nudge and let AJ slip by him into the room, watching as the kid stretched out on his stomach next to Brian on the bed. Kevin watched the two of them for a second. "You got all upset when I didn’t last time," he noted.

"So?"

"So I’m just telling you."

Brian let out a breath. "Where are you going? Are you gonna be late?"

"Just around."

"You’re always just around. Why do you have to go out?"

"I just feel like going out. Driving around."

AJ just listened, leaning into Brian. He was jealous. He wanted to just drive around awhile. Get away.

"I wanted to watch a movie," Brian said.

"It’s kinda late for a movie," Kevin answered.

"It’s kinda late to go out," Brian countered with a frown. He tossed the basketball up and caught it.

"I didn’t come to argue about it, I came to tell you. So I’ll see you later."

"Whatever," came the mumble.

"Night," Kevin said abruptly, abandoning the doorway.

Brian sighed. He pushed at AJ slightly, not hard.

"Hi," AJ said. He propped himself up on his elbows.

"Hi."

"Hi."

"Hi, AJ."

"How’s it going?"

"Fine. How’s it going for you."

"Fine." He felt like a cigarette. He started to reach for his pocket. "I’d watch a movie with you," he offered. Nothing was in that pocket. Other pocket.

"It doesn’t matter. Stop squirming."

There they were. "Can I smoke in here?"

"No. You can’t smoke anywhere." Brian paused, elbowing him. "I didn’t know you smoked."

AJ didn’t answer.

"You’ll ruin your voice."

"I don’t smoke that much. Just when I feel like it." He started to sit up, but found himself caught.

"Give them to me."

"Why, you want them?"

"No ... Give." Brian reached for them, sitting up in the process of catching his arm. He had to be stronger than the skinny kid.

But somehow AJ got to his feet anyway. And Brian was too lazy to get up after him.

"Little dork," he muttered.

-

When Kevin came home, well into the next morning, he was surprised to hear the faint noise of a TV coming from inside. What didn’t surprise him was who he found sound asleep in front of it, as credits slowly scrolled down the screen with random soundtrack music. Looked like Brian hadn’t made it to the end of his movie.

He sank into the couch next to where the kid was laying, watching him for a minute. He looked young. Well, he was young. Kevin let out a tired breath.

They hadn’t been clicking too well lately. He was starting to think it was his fault.

The credits were starting to end, so Kevin leaned forward to grab the controller off of the cluttered coffee table, flipping the channels. Maybe another movie was starting. He didn’t really feel much like sleep. ‘Going out’ hadn’t really done much for him. Maybe because he had spent part of it with Laura.

Being with her again just reminded him of not only of the good, but of the bad things between them, and it just made him more confused. He had a drink or two and then left before it got too serious. Before he got too serious.

He was settling for a rerun sitcom when Brian stirred next to him. Awake.

Brian slowly sat up, his light hair messily tousled and blue eyes tired. It took him a second to recognize Kevin in the darkened light.

"You’re back." His movie was gone. He squinted at the clock on the VCR, trying to make out the time, but his eyes seemed too tired to focus on the tiny green numbers.

"It’s tomorrow," Kevin offered.

That didn’t make any sense to Brian, but he nodded slightly anyway. "Did you have a good time?" he asked. He felt still half asleep.

Kevin shrugged. He wasn’t about to tell him who he was with. Not when Brian was in a sleepy, complacent mood.

There was a small pause. Brian had no words. "Oh."

"How was your movie?" Kevin asked back.

Brian gave back the same shrug. He couldn’t remember what movie he had even just watched. Star Wars, that was it. They were playing the trilogy on the channel. "Let’s watch Return of the Jedi," he started.

"I think I’m gonna go to bed, pal. You too."

Brian didn’t answer, he just sort of looked at Kevin.

"You’re gonna have to get up soon."

"No ..."

"Yeah, we have practice earlier tomorrow, remember. Today actually. We were gonna do some more demos."

"Oh ..." Brian didn’t look like any of that sounded the least bit familiar. He looked like he was falling back to dream world.

"Yeah, so let’s get some sleep." Kevin was starting to stand, hitting at Brian’s leg. "Come on."

Brian let the older man direct him toward his room. Only, AJ was in his bed. So Kevin directed him toward his own bed. He could sleep on the couch.

"This is yours," Brian said when he was settled in, as if it had taken him until then to realize. He told Kevin as if the man hadn’t known. He could smell the faint scent of Kevin’s cologne in the sheets.

Kevin just pet his head absently. "I know, it’s alright. Go to sleep."

"Okay ..." He was already there before Kevin left the room.

Kevin grabbed an extra comforter and made himself a makeshift bed on the couch inside. It might have pulled out. But he was too tired to check.

-

It seemed quieter in the morning, even though everyone was awake and moving around. It just felt like you were supposed to be quiet or something. So AJ kept his voice low and his footsteps light.

Howie jiggled his keys around in his hand absently as they waited for the hospital’s elevator. It seemed to take a long time, although he couldn’t imagine it would be too busy at that time. AJ obliviously entertained him.

First it was trying to scuff his sneakers against the pale floor. When that grew old, he started pulling some of the leaves off the tall potted plant between the two elevators.

"What’re you doing, Alex." Howie said it playfully.

"Fixing the tree. It’s brown."

"I thought it was fake."

AJ looked up finally. "It can’t be fake, its leaves are turning brown."

"Maybe it’s made like that so people think it’s real."

"Maybe it just is real, Howard."

"Maybe it’s not." The left elevator dinged and the doors started to open. "Maybe it’s like that to trick people like you."

AJ pressed his thumbnail against one of the leaves and a whitish sap-like liquid squeezed out. He smiled victoriously. "It’s real."

"You’re killin’ it."

"I’m proving a point." AJ pulled off another brown leaf as Howie held the elevator. "And I’m saving it. Look."

"It’s too late, it’s bleeding. Get in the elevator."

"Plants don’t bleed, Howie."

"That one is."

"No, it’s not, it’s just ...-"

"Bleeding. Get your butt in here."

AJ pulled off another stalk. "I wanna buy my mom something, wait for me."

"Couldn’t you have decided that before we got in the elevator?"

The younger cast him a look. "I didn’t get in the elevator. You did."

Howie let out a huff and asked God for more patience as he resignedly stepped out of the elevator and followed his younger friend toward the gift shop that they had passed when first coming in. The same one they had bought flowers at the day before. It was just opening.

The same little white-haired lady was working there, her volunteer pin peeking out from a light paisley shirt. She was rearranging the candy in the racks.

"Hello," she greeted.

Howie was the only one that answered the welcome. "Hi, how’re you?"

She smiled in return.

He watched as she went back to attending to the Lifesaver candies. One fell to the ground and she quickly retrieved it.

"Howie," AJ called, looking back for him, questioning.

"Yeah, buddy." He caught up.

"Teddy bears." AJ held up a flopsy Boyd’s bear that had a sweet stitched smile and a get well message. His manner was inquiring.

"That’s a good idea."

"You think that she’ll like?"

"She’s your mom."

"I know... I just wanna make sure." AJ was hesitant.

"She’s gonna love it."

AJ looked reassured at that. "Okay." He moved quickly toward the register with the bear, pulling Howie with him by the arm.

The older woman didn’t notice their presence there. She was too busy with the candy.

AJ poked Howie in the side silently, receiving a harder poke back. AJ just poked him again.

"What?" Howie asked finally.

"Get her?"

Howie let out another weary huff, not understanding why AJ couldn’t just ask her to come to the register himself.

"Please?"

So Howie got her. They paid for the teddy bear and went back to the elevator to repeat the waiting scene. Except this time AJ left the plant alone. He played with the bear instead, making it tap Howie on the shoulder repeatedly.

"Howie, Howie," he said in an exaggerated high voice. "Howie."

Howie ignored it.

"Howie!" The tapping continued.

"Bear’s gonna get hurt," Howie said finally.

The bear covered its face.

"Yeah, that’s right. Better hide." Howie turned back around, only to get tapped again.

"Howie!"

He thought he could ignore it, but the elevator was taking a really long time. And the bear was persistent. Too damned persistent.

"Howie!"

AJ’s face was entirely entertained, even when Howie turned around and flicked the bear in the nose.

"Stop."

"Howie!" This time AJ’s voice was in its normal pitch. "That’s bear abuse!"

Howie flicked it again, laughing. "Then call the society for the prevention of cruelty to bears."

AJ feigned shock, and turned away with his arms around the stuffed animal protectively. "Bear don’t like you no more," he said in a childishly saddened voice.

"Good!"

The elevator finally dinged, opening its doors invitingly. AJ slipped in first and attempted to press the close button with the bear’s velvety paws, but Howie got himself in before he succeeded.

"Brat."

AJ’s eyes sparkled with amusement. "Bear abuser."

Howie pressed the button to Denise’s floor, tossing AJ a glance. "Are you gonna be able to give that bear up to your mom?" he teased.

AJ looked offended at the thought that he would be too attached to it. "Of course." The bear waved at Howie. "Hi, Howie!"

Howie smiled. He wasn’t so sure.

"At least Mom will be nice to bear," AJ said as the elevator hit the floor and the doors opened. "Unlike some people."

Howie was amused as AJ traipsed down the hall with the gift, completely unashamed. It was good to see the kid back in a good mood. It had been awhile.

Unfortunately, when he caught up with him at the door, the mood seemed to have vanished. The bear hung limply from AJ’s fallen hand, forgotten.

"Am I bein’ stupid, Howie?"

"What do you mean?" Howie looked past him into the room, seeing the two empty beds in there. No Denise.

"This is her room, right?"

The flowers from yesterday sat on the table next to the farthest bed, the one closest to the window. "Yeah, it’s her room."

AJ let out a disappointed breath.

Howie nudged him. "Hang on, I’ll ask the nurses’ station."

AJ nodded absently at the words, moving into the room without him. The first part of the room looked as if the groaning lady had left. It was completely void of anything personal. His mother’s stuff was still there in her area though. She’d just been taken somewhere.

Where?

When Howie came back into the room, he found AJ sitting in the bed Denise had occupied, writing some sort of note in a concentrated manner. The bear was sitting beside him at his hip, smile still on its face. Abused or not. Howie was going to wait until AJ finished to speak, but the boy looked up expectantly at his arrival, lips pressed together.

"They took her into pre-op early for some reason, I don’t know why. From there she’ll go into surgery."

AJ looked puzzled. "Is that bad?"

"No, I don’t think it’s bad. They probably just wanted to run some more tests."

"That’s normal, right? They always do that."

Howie nodded, having no clue. "Sure."

AJ went back to the note, pausing a second as if trying to remember where he was in it. He looked up several moments later, reaching for the bear and sticking it on the table next to the flowers. It sat up by itself pretty well. He stuck the note in its lap and started to slide off the bed.

"Can we come back later?" He sounded apologetic. "I told her we’d come back later."

"That’s fine, Aje, really. Maybe after lunch, alright?"

AJ nodded. "Yeah ... You think it’s all normal, right?"

"The nurses didn’t seem too concerned." Whether they were or not, Howie wasn’t sure, but he said it anyway. Just to say it.

"Oh," AJ said. That was good to him. He felt badly about missing her though. He had wanted to be there for support. No one was ever there with support.

Then he wished he could wait around until she came out. But they were already missing part of practice as it was.

Howie saw his face. "It’s alright, Jay. We’ll come back and by then she’ll have rested too. It’ll be better."

AJ nodded mechanically, out of habit.

"And Bear’ll be waiting for her."

AJ smiled slightly at that, because it was funny. "Right. Good old Bear."

-

"Where’s AJ?"

"With Howie," Brian answered. He greeted his young friend by seizing the dark baseball cap off of the blonde head and plopping it on his own.

Nick didn’t seem moved. His eyes scanned the practice room again, as if they could be hiding. "Then where’s Howie?"

"With AJ," came the matter-of-fact answer.

At that, Nick was completely frustrated. He used the only defense he could think of. "Kevin!"

Kevin leaned back in the greenish metal folding chair he had claimed, looking toward Nick calmly. "Yes?"

"Where’s-"

Brian interrupted. "Aren’t AJ and Howie together?"

Kevin gaze settled on his cousin. Why ruin it for him. "Yup."

"See!" Brian grabbed Nick’s shoulder triumphantly.

Nick pulled away from Brian’s reach and closer to Kevin, trying again. "But where are they?"

"Together."

Nick let out a breath of annoyed air. He was never told anything. And he was never around to pick up on anything either. He kicked at the ground, sad. "They’re late."

"They’ll be here," Kevin countered. "And there’s no reason we can’t start without them."

"You’re gonna fall," Nick told him with a pout. He gave the folding chair a slight push as it leaned back. Kevin caught his arm, swiping at him as he regained his balance.

"You’ll fall with me then, funny man."

"No, I won’t." Nick kicked at the ground again, silent.

Kevin leaned back again.

Time was wasting.

"There’s no reason we can’t warm up without them," he repeated, loud enough for both of them to hear. Brian shot him a challenging look from across the room and Nick just shook his head no.

He’d expected that response. So he just stayed in his chair, leaning back. They would wait. He nudged the kid with his foot. "Tell me."

"Tell you what?"

"What’s bugging you."

There was a long pause. Nick pushed at the chair again. "You don’t tell me anything."

Kevin couldn’t exactly argue that. It was true.

"You all have secrets. You won’t even tell me where AJ and Howie are." Nick pushed at him again.

"Quit." Kevin set the chair forward, sitting straight. "They were visiting AJ’s mom before they came here." It was the blatant truth, but without detail it did almost seem a lie.

Nick looked dubious.

"Swear to you. Boy scouts honor."

"You’re not a boy scout."

"Don’t be difficult." Kevin suddenly changed his mind about waiting and gave him a push. "Go tell Brian we’re gonna start without them. We’re wasting too much time before the coach gets here."

Nick didn’t move. He nudged him with his foot again.

"C’mon, Nicky."

"I don’t wanna start without them."

"Too bad." Kevin got up himself out of the chair at the lack of response and pulled Nick with him. By the time he got close enough to say anything to Brian though, the door popped open and AJ and Howie walked in. There went his point.

"Hey guys," Howie greeted, surveying the room. "Where’s the productivity?"

"Apparently it was with you," Kevin said with a smile, casting a glance at Nick and Brian. They smiled back at him innocently. "But we can start now. Unless the peanut gallery objects?"

They all looked toward Nick and Brian. There didn’t seem to be any objections.

Until, "I need my hat back." Insert glare at Brian.

"You do not."

"I do too."

"Do not."

"Do too."

"Here." AJ stuck his own on the kid’s head, pulling it backwards. Nick grinned.

Kevin had moved toward Howie at the distraction, taking advantage. "Everything go alright?"

"Well no. He didn’t even get to see his mom because she’d gone in to pre-op already. So he’s kinda disappointed at that."

"Oh ... Are you gonna take him back later?"

"Yeah, as of right now."

"That’s-" Kevin cut off their conversation as AJ approached. They could talk later. "What’s new, Jay-jay?"

AJ didn’t notice their conversation’s abrupt finish. "Howie’s a bear abuser," he offered with a small smile.

Kevin cast an amused look in Howie’s direction. "Oh really?"

Howie just covered his face with his hand, shaking his head.

-

Orlando had too much traffic.

It took too much time to get one place to another- it was always stopping and starting, or just sitting. Every minute of the day was rush hour. Walking could even have been faster, or at least that’s what AJ claimed when they came to another creeping halt.

"Why don’t you walk then." Howie didn’t have much patience after sitting in the congestion for twenty minutes either.

"Maybe I will," AJ answered, but he had no intention of getting out of the car.

Howie drummed his fingers along the steering wheel, staying silent.

"You should just turn off the car. We’re not going anywhere."

"I wonder if there was an accident ..."

"It’s always like this."

"Not always." Howie drummed his fingers again. Some car in the distance ahead honked its horn. "Practice went well." He said it even though he didn’t think it had. He knew it hadn’t.

"Ha," was AJ’s answer. He knew it hadn’t either, and to be honest he felt guilty. He hadn’t cared during it, but he felt guilty now. They weren’t getting anywhere, and it was his fault. They hadn’t even recorded the next demo yet, and he had a feeling that it was on his account that the ‘higher ups’ didn’t think they were ready. "Sorry."

Howie glanced at him. "Sorry?"

"That I suck."

Not this again. "Don’t even, man."

"Don’t even what? Admit it? I’ve accepted it."

"You and the word suck don’t even fit in the same sentence."

"Please, Howie."

"I’m being serious," Howie interrupted, keeping his eyes on the back of the stationary van in front of him so that he could say it all at once. "What’s wrong with you? You’re the first one to get a routine, the first one to get a song ..." He didn’t mention that sometimes he envied that innate ability. "And if you do mess something up, it’s alright. People mess up. And if you’re distracted right now, that’s okay too."

AJ was silent.

"And I’m always right, so don’t bother arguing me on it."

"You are not always right."

Another loud honk came from up ahead.

"You’re not," AJ repeated. He leaned against the armrest on his door and started rolling down the window. He could hear the faint sound of a siren. "Maybe there was an accident."

"See?"

AJ turned his head. "See what."

"How I’m always right."

"I didn’t say that." AJ rubbed his finger against the armrest part on the door that scooped inward. "I win all our bets."

"That’s because you cheat."

"It still makes you wrong."

"You’re just jealous."

"Ha." AJ rested a foot up on the dashboard, leaning forward at the same time to fiddle with the radio. "We should buy a helicopter, Howie."

"A helicopter?"

"Yeah, we wouldn’t have to sit in traffic then. And we could go around the world in it."

"You don’t even like flying."

"I don’t like traffic either."

"Where would you land then?"

"Details, Howie. Those are the least important things in life."

Howie cast him a look.

"Okay, fine." AJ shrugged. "I don’t know. Okay. No helicopters right now."

"No helicopters."

There was silence.

Howie started drumming his fingers on the wheel again, so AJ took the volume knob of the radio between two fingers and turned it all the way to the right, erupting eardrum-shattering music that made Howie jerk his head in surprise.

"Damn, AJ!" His words were unheard as he pushed the knob in reflex, turning the volume off completely so that only AJ’s singing along was heard. Even that was loud, but it at least trailed off. "AJ, damn. Don’t do that." The kid could never sit still.

"What?"

"You’re so embarrassing." Howie felt like he’d broken some sound ordinance. His ears were ringing. He looked around as if worried someone was around to arrest him or something. "And your window’s open."

AJ looked unmoved, but then he broke out a grin. "That shook the whole car, man!"

"It shook the whole city." Howie flicked him in the arm. "Don’t do it again."

"It was a good song." AJ leaned back in his seat as if he were satisfied. "I wanted to share it with the world."

Howie rolled his eyes. "Mission accomplished, dork." As he spoke, an ambulance quickly slipped by on the shoulder of the road. He watched it, silent for a second. "I guess there was an accident. I hope it wasn’t bad."

AJ sighed. "Well, I guess you were right."

"Again," Howie added.

-

She wasn’t feeling too well when they got there. Tired, nauseous, in some pain.

AJ got this funny stabbing feeling in his heart when he first looked at her laying there with her eyes closed.

She had oxygen tubing to her nose. It went to a clear container with bubbling liquid on the wall. He stared at it for a second and then his eyes drifted. Some blue machine with a screen of numbers was beside the bed, tubes coming from it. It beeped rhythmically. It was dripping clear stuff into the tubes.

They were both silent for a moment.

AJ was afraid to touch her in the wrong place and hurt her. He was afraid he would fall on her when he leaned in to kiss her forehead. Somehow he managed not to.

Her eyes fluttered open and a tiny smile grazed her lips when she saw who it was, her eyes creasing at the sides. "Hi, baby." Her voice was hoarse.

"Hey, mama." He whispered the words softly, reaching for her hand through the side rail. He gave it a slight squeeze. A second later he felt pressure back. "You have a new roommate. She’s prettier than the last one." He swallowed. "You look tired."

"I am tired ..."

"I know ... Me and Howie just came to say hi, so you can sleep ..."

She answered with another slight, pressed smile and shut her eyes again.

Howie had stayed silent but AJ could feel him right at his side. He stared down at the white blanket that was on top of the bed. It had a small little blood stain on it at the top. Blood. He kept staring until finally he had to fold it down so that the stain out of sight. He didn’t want anybody to see it.

Howie watched him, observing the calm demeanor. There was silence for a moment. Then she got sick.

It was mostly dry gagging, she didn’t have much in her system. It pained her though, it was obvious. AJ shot a nervous glance at Howie as he helped support the plastic oblong pan she was using. Howie didn’t know what to do either, he just dropped a hand on AJ’s back for a second.

"Hi, I’m Dr. Phelps."

AJ turned his head quickly at the new voice at the same time Howie spun around. Neither had heard the man in the green scrubs enter the room or approach them. He was youngish, in his early thirties. Friendly eyes.

The man was holding out his hand, and AJ promptly shook it after a gentle nudge from Howie.

"You must be AJ. We met on the phone."

AJ’s eyes widened slightly, and he played with the rim of his cap, embarrassed. "Sorry." Those conversations hadn’t exactly been his finest.

The man just smiled and introduced himself to Howie, checking the machines with his eyes as he went along. AJ watched his every move. "Hi Denise ..." Phelps had noticed her eyes opening again. "Everything went great for you in there ... Feeling alright?"

She nodded slightly.

"The nausea should fade soon, it’s just the anesthetic wearing off. I’m going to have the nurse bring you something to counteract it though, because your next medication will probably have the same effect." He looked down at the chart he was carrying. "We’ve sent the tissue down to pathology to check for clear margins ... We should have that by tomorrow."

"Margins?" AJ asked. He leaned against Howie slightly.

The doctor turned his head, looking up from the chart to explain. "They’re going to look at the sample we took from your mom and if there’s no cancer present in the outermost edges of it, clear margins, then we’re good."

AJ nodded, slowly, and chewed the side of his thumbnail. "What if it’s not ...?"

"I don’t think that’ll be the case," the doctor reassured. "I’m pretty sure we’ve gotten everything. Right now," he turned back to Denise, "you need rest. I’ll make sure that pill gets to you. We’ll talk about the next step and your options after you have a day of rest. Your options of radiation and such."

She nodded again, head resting back against the pillows.

"If there’s anything else you need, just let them know." He patted her hand. "It’s looking good."

She smiled then. "Thanks, doctor."

"Nice meeting you two," he said, looking back at them. "I’ll be back in sometime tomorrow." He quickly disappeared behind the curtains the same way he had come.

There was a moment of silence.

"Looking good," Howie said softly, leaning in to kiss Denise. "We’ll let you get some rest, okay?" He pulled AJ’s arm. "We should get going."

"Okay ..." AJ stole the bear off of the table and gently placed it in the crook of Denise’s arm. He didn’t know if she had even noticed it or the note. "Bear waited for you the whole time. He wanted to keep you company." He leaned down gently and kissed her. "I love you."

"I love you too ..." Her eyes were closing already.

-

"Can we watch something else?"

Brian’s eyes didn’t leave the TV as he shook his head no to Nick’s question. The last quarter of the basketball game was starting. It was tied.

"Let’s do something."

Brian didn’t answer.

"Brian."

"Shh."

"Brian." Nick sank down on the couch near him, letting out a breath. The one day he could hang out and not have to drive back to Tampa right away, and Brian wanted to watch basketball. "Brian." Nothing. "Brian."

Brian turned the TV louder.

"Brian." Nick bounced a little on the couch. "Bri-"

"Off," Brian interrupted, pointing the remote control at him as if it would work on a person.

"Brian."

"I thought you liked basketball."

Nick pouted. "I do."

"Watch with me then."

Nick leaned his head back, blonde hair falling across his forehead. "Who do you want to win?"

"Don’t care," Brian said absently, his eyes going back to the screen.

Nick frowned. "Then let’s do something else."

"In a little bit ..."

"If you don’t care ..." Nick didn’t get any answer, so he looked at the full-length keyboard that had been left on the coffee table. He studied it for a second and then turned it on.

"That’s Kevin’s," Brian noted.

"So?"

Brian rolled his eyes, making a face in response. A really good shot was made, and he focused his attention back on the game.

A note was pressed tentatively, and Nick glanced at Brian for a response. Nothing. He studied the electronic device again and then turned the volume up a little higher. He pressed the key a second time, holding it down.

Brian turned the TV louder, not even looking at him.

Keyboard volume a little louder, Nick pressed his whole hand down on a bunch of keys at once.

Brian hid his smile and again turned the TV louder, glancing at Nick that time. The kid was too busy concentrating on pressing as many keys as he could, as loud as he could, to notice.

It had only taking Nick a little bit to realize that the notes were pressure sensitive just like a piano, and that if he pressed harder, his noise would be louder. He banged, looking at Brian for a response.

Brian, always the competitor, turned the volume of the game even louder.

It was the battle of the keyboard and ESPN.

"What the hell are you guys doing?"

Nick stopped, Brian looked up. The TV still screamed.

"Turn that down, Littrell, you sound like Grandma watching TV." Kevin glanced at Nick. "That’s mine."

Nick nodded. He knew that.

"Did I say you could touch it?"

"Brian did."

Brian looked up from pressing the volume down on the remote control, eyes wide. "I did not!"

Kevin flipped his keyboard off and pulled Nick away from it. "What the hell are you banging on it for anyway? You’ll break it."

Nick gave him a sad face. "Brian won’t pay attention to me."

"He won’t?" Kevin looked at his cousin for a response but didn’t get any. His attention was back on TV now that it was quiet. "He’s watching the game, Nicky."

"He doesn’t even care who wins."

"He doesn’t?" Kevin dropped down onto the couch, pulling Nick with him. He poked Brian in the side. "Brian."

"What."

"Hey."

Brian’s eyes drifted to him, only for a second. "Hey."

"You’re ignoring your buddy."

"I’m not ignoring him." Brian looked at them as a commercial started.

"Let’s do something," Nick pressed.

"Like what?" Kevin asked. He leaned forward and started to go through the rest of the clutter on the coffee table. Lots of crap. "You wanna go out and get pizza or something?"

"Yeah!"

"Alright then." He glanced at his cousin. "Does Brian wanna stay here and watch a game he doesn’t really care about?"

Brian made a face at him. "No."

"You sure?"

Brian’s response was to push him in the arm. He flipped off the TV and tossed the remote to the side. "I know who’s gonna win anyway," he said, playfully punching Nick in the side.

"Let’s just go," Nick said, punching him back.

The phone rang as they were getting ready to leave, and Brian jumped to get it. He couldn’t find the portable phone, even though he heard its ring, so he settled for the one in the kitchen.

"Hello?"

"Hey, is Kevin there?"

Brian recognized the voice that time, and he frowned, glancing over his shoulder. No one around. "No, he’s out."

"Well let him know Laura called. You can tell him I had a great time the other night."

Brian’s blue eyes narrowed. The other night?

"Bye." She hung up.

He hung up a second later, frowning. He felt a little hurt.

"Who was it?" Kevin asked, tossing him his jacket at the door.

"Nobody."

"You said ‘he’s out’. Was it for Howie?"

Brian looked up, biting his lip. He was caught there. "Yeah."

"Who was it?"

"Some girl."

Kevin looked amused. "You get her name, pal?"

"Yeah ... Martha."

"Martha?" Kevin shook his head. "Haven’t heard of her. She leave a number?"

"No ..." Brian swallowed, hoping Howie didn’t know any Martha that he could possibly call back.

"Make sure you tell him."

"I will," Brian mumbled.

-

He was tired, he was hot, and he didn’t feel like talking. He wanted to sit somewhere, shut his eyes, and sleep.

When he heard the words, "AJ, let’s talk", he almost ran. They came from some guy with a name he didn’t know and that he didn’t catch, even though it was offered at the start. Nicely dressed, from the management company. Smiling, but serious. They had been watching everything lately.

AJ didn’t like him. He didn’t like talking with him. Not after a long practice. A practice that had actually gone well and that had had him feeling useful for the first time in a long time. That feeling slowly dripped off of him.

"What you do is important to you guys, isn’t it?"

That was the first question, and AJ shrugged at it, irritated. He pulled at the damp t-shirt he wore as it started to stick to him. "I guess," he muttered.

"Oh, that’s it?"

The man’s expression made him defensive, and he suddenly felt like he had to stick up for what he was working for. "It is. It’s very important."

"So it is. That’s what I thought. We’ve been noticing some things, AJ." A pause. "You’re missing practices. Giving shitty efforts when you do come."

AJ was caught a little off-guard. "Some things came up-"

"No. Things don’t ‘come up’." The man shook his head. "This is what’s important, nothing else. You said yourself, this is very important to you."

"But there’s more important things."

The man shook his head again. "No. There’s not. Not if you wanna make it." His hands came together, clasped as if in prayer. "You’re gonna come to times when you can’t be distracted. Now, even."

"Family’s more important."

"Family is second. First is the dedication to what you’re doing here, as a team. If you can’t be counted on when you’re up at bat, maybe you shouldn’t be on the team." The guy held up his hand as if he was about to be interrupted. "You’re here because we think you can be counted on. You just can’t be distracted by little things like that. Things that don’t matter in the long run."

Little things. AJ had stopped looking at the guy and was staring hard at the ground. He didn’t know what to say to even start.

"I know it can be hard. It’s tough at times, and you’re just a rookie. You just gotta get things into perspective, alright? That’s all I wanted to talk about. Perspective. Okay?"

AJ just nodded. He pulled at his shirt again, not as irritatedly as before. Just absently.

"You gotta keep what’s important in the front of your mind, and store the rest in the back." The guy was looking at his watch. "I’m glad we had this talk."

Talk. AJ looked up from the ground and stared straight ahead. He didn’t call that a talk, he called it a failed brainwashing session.

"You wouldn’t want to ruin things for everyone else." With that statement, the man was up out of the chair he had taken and moving towards the door.

AJ pulled at his damp shirt again, glaring at the wall. Damn perspective. It couldn’t be like that.

Did everybody in this position put their family on the back shelf? It didn’t seem right, or to even make sense. Howie had told him it was okay to be distracted.

AJ kicked at the folding chair the man had sat in, knocking it over in a clatter to the ground. He left it there and headed for the door, forgetting what he had come back for to begin with.

"You didn’t find it?" Howie was waiting in the car.

"Find what."

"Your bag."

AJ stared at him blankly for a second and then realization slowly crossed his face.

"You alright?"

"Yeah ... I just forgot what I was looking for."

Howie frowned slightly.

"Sorry," AJ said quickly, slipping away from the car and back toward the building. As he grabbed his bag from the back corner of the studio room, he wondered if Howie knew what the score was. About perspective.

Maybe this wasn’t for him after all.

Howie watched him cross back to the car from the building. He waited until the kid settled into the seat next to him before he turned the key in the ignition. "You sure you’re okay?"

"Yeah."

Howie watched him fiddle with the radio. "You need anything from your place before we head in?"

"No."

One word answers.

"What’s the deal, you just tired?"

"Yeah." AJ shifted in his seat, pulling the bag he had dropped at his feet onto his lap instead. He reached to change the radio station again, but growing frustrated in not finding anything, he turned it off completely.

Howie glanced at him in the silence at the next red light. "Would you tell me if something happened?"

"Sure." AJ played with the zipper on his bag.

"I don’t believe you."

"Then don’t."

The light turned green and Howie focused his attention on the road in front of him. The rest of the ride was silent.

-

"You don’t eat pizza the right way."

Kevin lifted his head at the comment. They were in the same plastic checkered tablecloth pizza place once again, the same one that he and Brian and Nick had gone to the day before to get their pizza, the same one that they always went to.

"You’re supposed to fold it in half," Nick continued, demonstrating with his own slice. "See?"

"Is there some unwritten rule that says that’s how you’re supposed to eat pizza?"

"Yes," Nick said seriously.

"What if I don’t want to do it that way?"

"Howie folds it in half," Nick interrupted, pointing at Howie with his free hand. "See?"

"I’ve been eating pizza longer than you, Carter, how come your way is the right way?"

"Everybody folds it in half."

"No ..." Kevin’s eyes swept the restaurant, landing on an elderly woman cutting up her slice of plain cheese pizza. "That lady’s not folding her pizza."

"She’s dumb," Nick answered, twisting in his seat to get a look. "Kevin, people over eighty don’t count."

"Is that another unwritten rule?"

Nick nodded with a smile.

"Well AJ doesn’t fold his pizza."

AJ rolled his eyes as the observations focused on him. Howie gave him a smile.

"He does sometimes," Nick said. "He’s ambidextrous."

"Nicky," Kevin cut in. "That means you use both your hands. You know, that you’re not a lefty or a righty."

Nick wrinkled his nose. "He can eat with either hand, Kevin, it doesn’t matter."

"I’m ambidextrous," Brian announced. "I can write with both hands."

"Is either one legible?"

"Yes, Howie."

"I can write with both hands too," Nick stated.

"Now I know that neither of those are legible," Howie said. "I’ve seen you write."

"They are ..." Nick let out a huff and gave up on it, looking back down at his pizza. "I still say that you eat pizza the wrong way, Kev."

"Thanks, little man, I’ll keep that in mind," Kevin said, and he continued with his pizza the same way he had been.

Howie put his own pizza slice down and picked up his soda. "Hey Nicky, your mom’s letting you stay longer now, huh." He took a sip.

"My dad drove me." Nick raised his eyebrows with a happy smile. "He lets me stay. I just have to call him when I’m ready."

"Ah ..."

"Speaking of calls- Brian, did you tell Howie he got a call yesterday?"

Brian looked up. "Huh?"

"Who called for Howie yesterday," Kevin repeated.

Brian sucked in his lip. Damn. What did he say the name was? "Marsha."

"Marsha?" Howie repeated.

"No, Martha." Brian felt his face turning red. "Martha called."

"I don’t know a Martha," Howie said with a frown. "Martha ..."

Good, Brian thought. Good.

"You sure that was it?"

Brian nodded. He hated lying. Hated. He never lied.

"She leave a number?"

He shook his head no.

Howie shrugged. "Oh well, I guess if it was important she would call back. Right?"

Kevin nodded. "Definitely."

Brian studied his napkin. He hoped that she didn’t call back. Ever.

"Maybe it’s that really cute girl in my night class whose name I don’t know."

Kevin laughed. "Maybe."

"Well then I hope she calls back." Howie smiled.

No, Brian thought. No calls back.

"Who really called?"

Brian looked up at AJ’s question. It was just the two of them and Nick at the table. Howie and Kevin had gone to get another pizza because they were all still hungry. He suddenly didn’t feel hungry anymore.

"What do you mean?"

"Who really called?" AJ repeated, tearing his napkin in half. Nick looked at the two of them and leaned his elbows forward on the table. Finally. Gossip.

"Laura," Brian said lowly.

"Ex-Laura?"

Brian nodded. "Ex-Laura."

"You’re not gonna tell him?"

"It’s kinda too late now."

"I never told my mom when the dicks called back either."

"He went with her again anyway," Brian said, making a face. "She said that she had a really good time the other day. He never told me he did anything with her."

"She’s gonna call back."

Brian nodded. "I know."

AJ tore the half of the napkin.

"I’ll just say I forgot. If she does." Brian shrugged. He caught Nick looking at him. "And you, keep your mouth shut."

"Me?"

"You tell everybody everything."

"I do not."

"You do too."

"Do not."

"Guys," AJ interrupted.

Brian looked at Nick. "Okay, well, don’t say anything or I’ll beat you."

"I never say anything."

"Psh." He switched his look to AJ. "What about you?"

"I’m not gonna say anything."

"No, I mean ... I told you what’s up, now you tell me."

"Nothing’s up," AJ said, tilting his head toward Nick a little.

Nick noticed. "Hey."

"Hey what, chump."

"You’re doing it again."

"Doing what?"

"Keeping secrets. I know you have a secret. You all have a secret."

"You found out Brian’s secret."

"But that’s not the secret."

"Some other time." AJ didn’t feel like starting in on things. He liked when the focus was on something else. Like Brian’s deal with Laura.

Besides, now he had two secrets.

Kevin and Howie were back, and the conversation ended.

"Hope you’re still hungry," Howie said.

The three of them looked at each other. No. Time to force down pizza.

-

That night, Howie remembered he had a late class.

"You can’t take me?"

Howie shook his head again, trying not to let the disappointed look on AJ’s face get to him. "It’s my one night course, man. I can’t miss it."

"Once doesn’t even count."

"Really, expert. And when does it start counting?" Howie didn’t avoid the dig, even though getting AJ to school while he had been with them hadn’t been much of a hassle. He dropped him off in the morning and picked him up in the afternoon. He hadn’t questioned the perpetual lack of homework.

AJ wasn’t answering.

"What’s wrong with Kevin taking you?"

"Kevin doesn’t want to take me."

"Yes he does, man. He wouldn’t have offered if he didn’t."

AJ just shook his head, silently staring at the jumbled items on the coffee table in front of him. In all honesty, he didn’t want Kevin taking him. It made him feel guilty. It was bad enough the man was reminded of his dad just by hearing Denise was sick, never mind sticking it right in his face.

"I wish I had a car," AJ mumbled.

"You might want a driver’s license first."

"I can drive already," AJ told him, raising his head.

Howie didn’t look impressed.

AJ looked back at the coffee table. "I just like it when you take me," he said quietly, staring at the cover of the TV guide upside-down. "My mom likes seeing you."

"It’s just this one time. I’ve taken you every time," Howie reasoned. He had a feeling the kid’s mind wasn’t just on the wanting him to come aspect, but he said it anyway. "Besides, man. She’s gonna be home in a day or two."

AJ nodded. "Tomorrow," he said confidently.

"Maybe," Howie allowed. "And she’ll like seeing Kevin for a change."

"I guess. It’s just ..." AJ trailed off, letting his words hang there. He watched Howie getting his stuff together. "I bet Kevin doesn’t even like hospitals," he said.

"Not many people do."

"I know, but ..." He trailed off again, chewing the side of his thumbnail absently. Fine. It was fine.

Howie had finished gathering everything he needed together and was almost leaving the room when AJ spoke again.

"Hey, D."

"Yeah, Aje?"

It took him a second to word his question, and when he finally did, it came out slowly. "What’s more important- being there for family things or being there for a career."

Howie looked a little surprised at the sudden inquiry, and he came back in a little from the doorway. "Family, man. That’s who’s gonna always be there in the end. Why’re you asking that?"

"What if it were between one or the other? What would you do."

"I wouldn’t put myself in a situation like that."

Too late, AJ thought. He kept his mouth shut though, and turned back to examining the coffee table. Howie still hung in the door, watching him.

"What’s got you asking something like that anyway, AJ?"

"Nothin’." He forced a relaxed expression. "Just thinking."

"No reason?"

"Nope." AJ shook his head, leaning back into the couch. "Quit being a worrier, Howard. Geez."

Howie rolled his eyes, the concerned mask on his face melting away into patient amusement. They would talk another time. "Alright. Later, buddy."

-

AJ found the ride to the hospital awkward. He wasn’t as comfortable with Kevin as he was with Howie; he hadn’t known him as long, they had never talked as much. Silence hung in the air heavily, but neither one of them worked up anything to say. Not until they were actually in the parking lot.

"You don’t have to come in if you don’t want. Howie never does."

Kevin shook his head to himself as he directed his old beat-up truck into a narrow spot in front of a cement light post. Howie was always filling him in on things. They told each other a lot. "Yeah he does, man."

"Oh."

"It’s alright. Really. Unless you don’t want me to come up."

AJ didn’t want to make him feel like he didn’t like him on top of everything else, so he quickly shook his head. "No, no, it’s fine."

Kevin nodded, locking the car door behind him.

There went his way out.

The wait for the elevators was long one. It was prime time for visiting hours, being when people got off from work and school and had the ability to get down to the hospital, so there was a group of people waiting for one of the two doors to slide open.

AJ stood there next to Kevin, and after shuffling his feet in silence for a few minutes, he finally spoke. "I think my mom may come home tomorrow, so I won’t have to stay with you anymore."

"You staying with us isn’t a problem, AJ."

AJ felt it was. He just shrugged.

"I’m glad your mom’s doing so well though."

"Me too ..." His eyes caught on the plant that he and Howie had debated over. "Kev ...?" One of its leaves was brown. He wondered if it was the one he had punctured.

"Yeah, buddy."

The question had wavered off though as AJ approached the big plant and inspected it carefully. The wounds he had given it were on another long leaf that was still entirely green.

The elevator suddenly let out a ding and its doors finally began to open. People started to flood out of it. Kevin stepped to the side of them, breathing slowly as a whiff of hospital air escaped from their space. He frowned at it.

"We can go now," he heard AJ saying, and he felt a push from behind.

There seemed to be a stop on every floor. Every one. And even though people were getting out, it didn’t seem like there was anyone less on the elevator. Kevin was relieved when they finally reached a floor that AJ said was it.

The look, the smell, and the faint sound of a machine beeping somewhere were what greeted his senses, and the effect of those three factors resulted in a strange tightening in his chest. He felt almost sick.

AJ walked slowly next to his older friend, watching him closely. He didn’t see any obvious change in the man’s comfort level, but then again Kevin’s face could be as much of a mask as his own. Maybe he was worrying too much anyway, maybe it wouldn’t bother him at all.

Denise was elevated up in bed, halfway between actually sitting up and laying down. A new IV was hooked up, its lines disappearing under the resting spot of the little bear. A warm smile drifted across her face when she saw them. "Hey, guys ..."

"Hey, hey, mom." AJ had a kiss and a smile for her as he whispered the words. "How do you feel?"

"Hey, baby. Better." She smiled at him and then her gaze went to the older man standing next to her son. The smile she gave him was a different one, but just as warm. "Hey Kevin, how’re you doing?"

"Good, I’m good." His eyes were roaming the surroundings. "You look like your feeling better."

AJ cut in before his mother could answer, resting his hands on the plastic side rail of the bed. "Is tomorrow the day?"

"Tomorrow’s the day." Denise looked relieved saying the words herself. AJ broke out a grin. "I don’t think you can really start to get better until you get out of here."

Kevin nodded slightly, swallowing. "Do you ... Do you need any help with getting home?"

"Howie and his mom are gonna be helping us out, but thank you. I appreciate that." Denise was watching him, and her eyes were sympathetic. She knew he was uncomfortable "It’s hard, huh."

Kevin just nodded. But he could handle it. His mother always said he was good at pretending. She said that was a bad thing. She said he took on too much, and that even a strong rock eventually crumbles. He had been building a stone wall around that crumbled rock for the past year.

Denise nodded slightly, quickly changing the subject. "What have you guys been working on lately? You haven’t been talking much about it." The last part was directed at her son, who just shrugged a little.

Kevin draped an arm over AJ’s shoulder from behind, giving the kid’s chest a couple of pats as he pulled him close. "We’ve been busy, huh?"

AJ nodded. "Mm-hmm."

He figured he would save his doubts about continuing after his mom was back home and feeling better. It could wait until then, she shouldn’t be worrying now. Besides, they weren’t alone now. He wanted to talk about it with her alone.

"Actually, we’re gonna be going to New York soon. Couple of weeks or couple of months, depending."

AJ turned around slightly at Kevin’s words. "Really?"

"Yeah, they’ve just started making plans."

AJ turned back around, giving his mom a big smile. "I’m taking you to New York," he said with pride.

She returned the smile, fighting the urge to laugh only because it would hurt. "That’s great, AJ." She looked tired at the idea of it, but he didn’t notice.

"And you’re gonna be perfecter than perfect then."

"Perfecter’s not a word, Ajey."

"You can make it a word."

"Sure thing." She gave a patient smile to him. "That’s exciting then, a big trip like that."

"The next big thing for us," Kevin said. He noticed she was looking fatigued. "AJ, maybe we better say goodnight. Tomorrow’s a big day for your mom."

AJ was disappointed, but tried to hide it. He gave Denise a questioning look. "You tired, mama?"

"A bit," she admitted.

"Okay ..." He leaned in slowly to give her a kiss, still tentative, and whispering as he did so. "I’m really glad you’re coming home tomorrow, I miss you."

"I miss you too," she whispered back.

When Kevin moved in to say his good-byes, Denise gave his hand a squeeze. "Thank you."

He shook his head, but she squeezed his hand again and said it again. He gave a faint smile. "Welcome."

Out in the hallway, they were both silent. Kevin was trying to think of something else, like what he had to do the next day. AJ was thinking that he was glad things would start to be normal the next day. And he was glad that Kevin seemed fine.

They were halfway to the elevator when a long heavy stretcher rolled by, an older man with dark hair laying on it with a white sheet pulled up to his shoulders. He was out of it, on the way to surgery probably and full of anesthetic, and the two attendants on each end were whistling absently.

"I wouldn’t want people to look at me." AJ averted his eyes quickly as the stretcher rolled by loudly. "Everybody just looks. I’d wanna be covered all the way."

Kevin wasn’t answering, he had stopped walking.

AJ heard him suck in a breath. He turned.

"Kev?"

"Here." Kevin was pushing his keys into AJ’s hand roughly, already turning in the other direction.

"Kev-"

"I’ll meet you in the car." The man’s voice was choked up, almost hard to understand.

"Kevin-" AJ cut himself off. The older man was already too far away. He swallowed back a lump in his throat and watched the retreating back. He waited for a minute before slowly continuing toward the elevators.

He was alone in the elevator on the way down, and he was glad. He was glad because tears pricked his eyes and he didn’t want anybody to see them. He had been relieved about something only minutes ago, but that felt different now.

As he crossed the parking lot outside, he wondered if he should have gone back after Kevin. He felt guilty. Maybe he should have. But Kevin probably wanted to be alone.

He didn’t know.

AJ opened the driver’s door first and slid into the seat, pulling it closed behind him. He sat there a minute and then put the keys in the ignition and turned the car on. He put on the radio.

Nothing good was on, but he left it on anyway, just to have noise. He wanted something on his mind. Anything. He wondered how long Kevin would be.

Ten minutes passed.

AJ sighed, leaning his head against the door’s cool window. He didn’t see anyone coming out of the building. No sign on Kevin.

The car was already on, so he put it into reverse, figuring he could back up a little and pull back in. Good practice, and he was bored. So he put it in reverse and stepped on the gas.

At least he thought he had it in reverse. He was surprised when he stepped on the gas, lightly he thought, and the truck hit the cement light post in front of him.

"Shit," he hissed, his heart fluttering slightly in his chest. He managed to get the car into what was definite reverse, back up two feet and then park it and pull the keys out. With shaky hands, he pushed the door open and stepped out, his eyes going toward the building. No one was there.

The front bumper was dented in near the center. AJ glanced toward the building again, panic-stricken and breathing heavy. Maybe it wasn’t noticeable. And Kevin wouldn’t notice tonight. Maybe it had already been dented in. The worried pain in his stomach increased tenfold.

"Shit," he repeated.

He couldn’t do anything about it, nothing that he could think of anyway, so he got back in the car. The passenger side. AJ pulled his feet up and sat there, waiting. Scared. Worried.

When Kevin finally came, he was quiet. He got in behind the wheel, his face drawn and his eyes red. AJ held out the car keys, not saying anything.

There was silence as the car started, and AJ only moved to pull on his seat belt. It wasn’t until they were almost pulling out of the parking lot that he said anything.

"I’m sorry." AJ’s voice was almost a whisper. He sat still in the passenger seat and sucked on his bottom lip, feeling uncomfortable. And bad. "I’m sorry. Are you okay?"

"Yeah ..." Kevin’s eyes were focused straight ahead. "I just ... I just get sad."

Those were the only words spoken the rest of the drive home.

-

Brian saw the difference in the two of them from his vantage point on the couch later that night. He could tell by the looks on their faces when they came through the door that something had happened. He stayed quiet though, just watching them cautiously, muting the TV.

AJ retreated to the back of the apartment almost immediately, and Brian’s blue eyes focused their sole attention on his older cousin. The man had cried that night, he could tell. He knew it would be hard on him. And Kevin made things harder on himself.

Brian kept quiet for awhile, not wanting to say something wrong. And he was guaranteed to, if he opened his mouth. So he just watched.

He watched until Kevin took a seat on the couch near him and let out a long breath. Then he gambled.

"How’s Denise?"

After a pause came, "Good." Kevin’s voice sounded hollow.

Brian shifted on the couch uncomfortably, his eyes watching the silent pictures still flashing on the muted TV. Kevin was going into his depressive coma. It could take minutes to get out of, it could take longer. Brian let out a breath.

"You shouldn’t have gone."

Kevin gave him a long, pointed look. So long it made Brian look away.

A heavy silence filled the room for a minute.

"I’m sorry you’re sad," Brian said finally in a soft voice, not looking at him this time. He just looked at the TV and its silent pictures and wondered what Kevin’s expression was.

He was sorry too. Things were always so different now between them. Sometimes there was a glimmer of old times, but not often. Not nearly often enough.

Brian felt something hit at his knee. Kevin was pushing at him.

He looked at him.

"I just want to be alone for awhile, okay," Kevin said. The even voice. "Just leave me alone for a little while."

Brian nodded silently, sliding off the couch without the argument that he was here first and why didn’t Kevin find someplace else to be upset. He didn’t comment at all, he didn’t ask anything, he just went to the kitchen and opened the refrigerator door and stared at what was in there.

He wasn’t hungry, he just did it.

Brian let out a sigh. He still wasn’t used to this mood of Kevin’s. He was used to Kevin being the strong one. And now he wasn’t. He would be, like he always made himself be, but right now that was gone.

Brian shut the door hard and went to go find AJ.

He found him in the bathroom, sitting on the sink with his feet on the closed toilet and smoking a cigarette. The window behind him was open, but it wasn’t helping.

AJ didn’t say anything when he saw him. He raised his eyebrows a little, but that was it.

Brian sat on the edge of the tub, resting forward on his knees. "Hi."

"Hi."

There was a pause.

"Kevin said your mom’s good."

"Yeah ..." AJ watched the cigarette end smolder for a second. He looked at Brian and gave a tiny smile. "She’s coming home tomorrow."

"That’s great, man."

"Yeah, I think she’s gonna be okay. She has to start another treatment afterwards that they always do, but I think she feels better. About things too."

Brian nodded. "That’s really good, man, I’m glad."

There was another pause. A longer one.

"Kevin’s really sad," AJ started. His voice was lowered to a soft level, his eyes were cautious.

Brian nodded again. "I know," he said, frowning slightly.

Another pause.

"He wants to be alone," Brian said softly.

AJ was watching him. "Are you okay?"

Brian just nodded again.

AJ took another drag on the cigarette.

"You shouldn’t smoke you know."

"It makes me feel better."

"Who gets cigarettes for you anyway? You can’t buy them."

AJ shrugged. "People." He shifted on the sink top, chewing his bottom lip. Hesitating. "Brian."

"Yeah."

"I banged up Kevin’s truck."

Brian looked up at him slowly, his eyes widening ever so slightly. "What?"

AJ looked anxious. He lowered his voice to an almost inaudible level as he quickly relayed what had happened with the car. "I crashed it," he said finally. "Am I dead?"

Brian sat there a second, brow creased. "It can’t be that bad."

AJ shrugged, feeling the knots coming back in his stomach. "It’s not that bad ... still."

"He needs a new truck anyway."

"That doesn’t help."

"He won’t kill you," Brian said after a pause. "He would kill me if I did it, but he won’t kill you."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah ..."

"Okay." AJ still didn’t sound too certain.

Kevin would be mad though. Probably. Brian really wanted to have a look at the truck, for curiosity’s sake. He figured he would see it soon enough though. "Is that what’s bothering you?"

"Yeah ..." AJ sighed. "Well, and ..." He trailed off.

Brian looked at him. There was an ‘and’ to that?

AJ didn’t continue right away. He was caught up in a web of thoughts. He was thinking about that guy after the practice, and what he said. And if he was really sure he wanted to do this anymore. He flicked some ashes into the sink, chewing his thumbnail absently.

Brian watched him. "What’s the matter?"

"Nothing," he said finally.

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

Brian knew that wasn’t the truth, but he didn’t press him on it. Besides, he was fighting the urge to cough. The smoke was really starting to get to him.

"I’m gonna play some basketball," he said, rising from his seat on the tub.

AJ nodded, not remarking on the fact that it was pitch black outside now.

"Put that thing out," Brian added. He shut the bathroom door behind him.

He took his time going to get his ball out of his room. By the time he crossed through the family room to get to the hall, he noticed that Kevin was looking at the TV with the volume on.

And he noticed him. He had glanced up.

"Where’re you going?"

Brian looked at him. He probably had blocked things out of his mind, forced himself not to think of stuff, like he always did. He still looked sad though. And he probably still wasn’t in a good mood. But the stranger was gone. "Basketball."

"It’s too dark."

"The courts are lit."

"Brian."

"They’re lit, Kev." The walk there wasn’t, but the courts down the street were.

"No. I don’t need you getting hurt."

Brian just looked at him, a little bit annoyed.

"Forget your basketball. C’mere."

Brian gave up and approached him slowly, dropping the ball as he went. It rolled off to the side of the room. He dropped down next to Kevin on the couch without an argument. He was too tired to argue.

"Sorry I told you to get out before."

Brian gave a little shrug, not saying anything.

"I’m sorry. I’m not fair to you sometimes."

Brian didn’t answer. There wasn’t anything he could really say to that.

"I guess sometimes you’re sad too."

Brian nodded.

"I forget that." Kevin was uncomfortable with the silence that he was getting. He elbowed his younger cousin slightly. "Forgive me?"

Brian nodded again. He did forgive him.

Kevin thought, slowly. There was a moment of silence. "I saw stuff when I was out with AJ and it just brought back some things, you know? I really didn’t think it would make that much of a difference, but it did."

Brian looked at him. He had never really confided anything to him about it before. He had always kept it out of conversation. Completely.

"You’re being too quiet," Kevin said finally, glancing at him. His face was still pained, but he was trying. Something different. "You can talk you know."

"I know." Brian played with the end of his long sleeve between his fingers for a second. "I’m sorry," he said finally, letting out a breath. He wrapped an arm around Kevin, giving a half of a hug of sorts.

Kevin returned it for a second. "I’m sorry, too." He felt the sadness coming back, an emptiness inside, but it was familiar. He was starting to get used to it. He didn’t want to get used to it, but he was, even though it still hurt.

Brian shifted on the couch in the sudden silence, pulling one of his legs up underneath him. He looked at the TV and at the commercial it was playing. He hated that commercial. It played all the time.

He wanted the remote.

"Bri."

"Yeah."

"You smell like smoke."

Brian glanced at him. "It’s from AJ."

Kevin shook his head. He should have known. "Go change, man. You reek."

"It’s not that bad." Brian pulled the front of his shirt up to smell it. It did stink of smoke. But he didn’t feel like getting up. He let it back down. "Kevin?"

"Yeah."

Brian hesitated. "Do you think it’s always gonna be sad when you think of your dad?"

Kevin’s brow creased, a frown forming on his face. He didn’t answer for awhile, and Brian wasn’t sure he was going to at first. "I don’t know ..." the older man said finally, rubbing his face. His voice was strained. "I hope not." He wanted to think about things without it hurting. Without the pain in his heart.

There was a long pause.

"It’s good to talk about things," Brian said after a minute.

Kevin glanced at his little cousin, a tiny smile tugging away the frown on his face. The kid should work toward getting a psych degree. "Yeah, I think so too."

Brian started to get up from the couch, feeling the end of their talk. "Can I go play basketball now?"

Kevin shook his head. "Forget it."

-

It was late when Howie got back, almost midnight, and the place was quiet. Quiet and dark. Almost like no one was home.

He walked slowly, trying not to make any noise only because that seemed to be the natural thing to do. He left the lights off, dropped his jacket over a chair, and promptly tripped over something in the hallway.

"Dammit, Howie."

Howie couldn’t see the face that went with the whispered words, but he found the light switch behind him easily and flipped it on.

"What’re you doing, being a fire hazard?"

AJ shook his head at the attempt. "... Thinking."

"About what?" Howie lowered himself down to the ground across from the younger man, his back against the wall. "Alright, you look worried."

"I am worried."

Howie waited a second but no words followed. "About what?"

AJ shrugged, his face still glum.

"Everything with your mom go okay?"

AJ nodded.

"Plans still for tomorrow?"

Another nod.

"So that’s good," Howie tried.

"That’s good," AJ agreed. He leaned his head back against the wall and stared at the ceiling, waiting uncertainly.

"Then?"

"I did something."

"What’d you do?" Every question had to be followed by another.

"Something ..."

"It’s late, AJ, you gonna tell me or not?"

AJ lowered his chin to his chest, letting out a breath. "Crashed Kevin’s car."

"What?"

"I crashed Kevin’s car."

Howie paused. "Kevin’s truck was outside, buddy, it looked fine."

AJ chewed on his lower lip for a minute as if in thought and then quickly recapped. Each time he repeated it, he felt a little better. He still felt terrible though. "There’s a big dent," he finished, voice soft.

Howie just looked at him, not saying anything.

"A big one."

"AJ ... that truck has more dents than I can count."

AJ didn’t look comforted by that fact.

"What were you behind the wheel for anyway?"

"I was practicing ... while I was waiting for him," came the mumble.

Howie started to get up, feeling the fatigue in his own body. "Don’t worry about this now, why don’t you go to bed?" The dent didn’t sound like too big of a deal to him. He had seen the truck out front and hadn’t thought twice about its appearance.

"I can’t sleep," AJ said. He let out a sigh. A sad sigh. "I feel bad."

"Don’t feel bad."

"He was already upset. You didn’t even see it."

Howie thought he was talking about the car still. "I didn’t notice anything different."

"Go look." AJ started to get to his feet, using Howie’s arm to pull himself up, and then still holding on to propel Howie toward the door. "Come and look."

Fighting back an argument, Howie silently let himself be led all the way back outside, jacket-less in the cool night air. He followed AJ to the parked truck, rubbing the side of his face tiredly.

AJ pointed to the spot on the front bumper seriously.

"It’s fine, Jay."

"It’s not fine. I can’t sleep."

"So go tell Kevin." Howie caught his arm and started pulling him back toward the building. "Come on, it’s cold."

"He’s sleeping."

"Tell him anyway so that you can sleep."

"He’ll be more pissed." AJ chewed the side of his nail as Howie pushed him through the door, slowing his step. "He’s gonna hate me."

"He’s not gonna hate you."

"I would hate me."

"Of course you would." Howie grabbed the backpack he had dropped off of the floor in the hall. "Don’t worry about it, alright? It’s not bad."

"Okay..." AJ was still frowning.

"I’m going to bed now. I’m tired."

AJ nodded slightly. "You don’t think he’d be mad if I told him now?"

Howie shook his head, making his way down the hall. "No, it’s fine." It was the only way to fix it. He pushed AJ’s shoulder. "Night. Turn off the light when you go in, okay?"

"Yeah..." AJ sat back down on the floor.

Almost twenty minutes passed before he was able to build up enough courage to venture slowly into Kevin’s room. He felt the nervous knots in his stomach coming back. He felt sick.

"Kevin..." AJ sat down heavily on the side of the older man’s bed.

No answer. Just soft, steady breathing.

"Kev." He bounced on the bed, raising his voice slightly.

"Mm." The mumbled answer was hardly coherent.

"I have to tell you something."

Nothing.

"Kev..."

Kevin was squinting at him now in the dark, still half asleep. "What..."

AJ shifted on the bed, shuffling his thoughts. He was silent.

"Is it morning...?" the older man mumbled.

"No ... I crashed your truck." AJ said it quickly, in one breath. There was a long pause that made his stomach churn.

"What..." Kevin’s arm brushed at him. "What’re you doing, Aje..."

"There’s a dent."

Kevin was frowning now, not really hearing AJ’s words. "What the hell, Jay-man..." He was squinting at the clock, but he couldn’t read the time. "Go to bed."

"Your truck’s all dented up."

"I know," Kevin muttered, sitting up a little. "It’s old."

"No, I dented it in the hospital parking lot."

Kevin watched him for a second, still frowning. He was too tired. And confused. "Is it bad?"

AJ shrugged, the glum expression returning.

"I’ll look at it tomorrow."

"Are you mad?"

"I haven’t seen it yet," Kevin said matter-of-factly. At the look on AJ’s face, he shook his head. "It’s alright."

AJ sighed. "You didn’t see..."

"Is the bumper still attached?"

"Yeah."

"There you go. Don’t do it again."

AJ still looked worried.

Kevin pushed at him slightly, almost forcing him off the bed. "I’ll talk to you in the morning, not now... go to bed."

AJ was quiet.

"It’s alright for now. Morning. Sleep. Go."

"I’m sorry."

"Alright. Good night." Kevin reached over and pinched him in the side. "Go."

AJ slid off the bed, glancing back at Kevin. He looked like he was already back asleep.

-

He was the last one up in the morning.

Brian and Howie were in the kitchen, but he didn’t see Kevin anywhere. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and pulled a chair out from the table to sit with them.

"This is the best cereal," Brian was saying. He looked at AJ, who was resting his head on his hands as if it couldn’t be held up by itself. "Morning, AJ."

"Hi."

"This is the best stuff," Brian said again, pushing the box toward AJ as if he wanted him to test it out. He was giving the plainer cereal box in front of Howie a look of distrust. "What’s in that stuff?"

"What’s in yours?"

Brian stared at his box, uncertain.

Howie answered his own question. "Sugar...?"

"There’s not any sugar in it," Brian argued, taking back the box. He studied the side of it as if to prove his statement, but didn’t come to any conclusions about its ingredients.

"All your teeth are gonna rot out by the time you’re twenty."

"I brush my teeth eight times a day."

Howie just looked at him.

"Okay, twice." He gave a little smile.

AJ leaned his elbows forward on the table, breaking his silence. "My mom’s coming home today..." His face brightened as he said it. "When are we gonna go? We should go now, Howie."

"It’s too early, bud, her discharge is at noon."

"If we’re there early, they might let her leave early."

"We'll get there early. Just not now early."

That didn’t cut it for AJ. He shifted his chair back a little, letting out a breath.

"Eat something. You want cereal?"

"Don’t eat Howie’s, it’s really bad for you," Brian interrupted. "Your teeth’ll fall out by the time you’re twenty."

"Mine’s healthy, Brian."

"It is not."

"Brian, it’s healthy."

AJ watched. Only the two of them would argue about their cereals to each other. "I’m not hungry," he cut in.

"Eat something."

AJ didn’t want to eat, he wanted to go. He gave Howie a dirty look and purposely reached for Brian’s cereal.

"Ha." Brian elbowed Howie playfully.

Howie just rolled his eyes.

AJ started to pour some of the cereal into an empty bowl.

"Kevin went out to look at the truck," Brian said.

AJ looked up at the random comment, frowning.

"He’s still out there."

Howie stood the cereal box upright as some of it began to pour on the table. "The whole thing’s fine, AJ." He sent a look toward Brian. "Stop being a troublemaker."

"I’m just sayin’."

"You’re saying enough."

AJ got up to go the fridge silently, pulling the door open. The truck wasn’t that bad, it really wasn’t. It was barely noticeable. He could out of it without getting his butt kicked. It wasn’t bad.

"AJ."

He turned at Howie’s voice. "Yeah."

"You’re letting all the cold out."

AJ looked back at the open door and quickly pulled out the milk he had gotten up for. He pictured the front bumper in his head. Not bad. There were other dents on there, weren’t there?

There were lots.

He felt something behind him.

Kevin.

"Shut the door, Jay."

He didn’t have to, Kevin did it for him. AJ gave him a doubtful look.

"What?"

AJ raised his eyebrows in question, feeling the milk container start to sweat in his hands.

"What?" Kevin repeated.

"Did you look?"

"At what?"

AJ scowled and sat back down at the table with his milk. Kevin liked to draw things out. He thought it was amusing probably. AJ thought it was annoying. That and nerve-racking.

"Last night, AJ, I had no clue what you were talking about."

AJ reached up and straightened his hat slowly before starting to pour milk into his bowl of cereal. He concentrated on not spilling any. He could imagine it going everywhere. Ruin everything, AJ. "Is it bad?"

"It’s okay."

He waited for Kevin to start saying something else about it, but he didn’t. "The dent’s okay or it’s okay that it happened?"

"Both." Kevin sent him a slight smile. "It’s alright."

AJ stirred his cereal absently, staring at the table. "Sorry," he mumbled. It was inaudible.

"I want a new truck anyway." Kevin pulled a chair up to the table and sat down, leaning back. "A brand new one."

"Ha," Brian said, flicking a spoon at him. "That’ll happen."

"I’m gonna charge you rent, Littrell, how’s that." Kevin played with the utensil on the tabletop, spinning it slightly. "And stop feeding you. Then I can get a new one."

Brian made a face. "That wouldn’t be nice ..."

AJ continued stirring his cereal, watching it. "Can we leave?"

"I would go live with Nick," Brian was saying, playing up his seriousness. He took the spoon back from Kevin, narrowing his eyes. But then he couldn’t help it, he smiled.

"We should leave now ..."

Kevin looked at AJ for the first time, a smile playing on his lips. "You wanna drive?"

AJ’s eyes blazed. "I said I was fucking sorry," he muttered, shoving his chair back. It his into the wall as he got up, making a loud thump.

"AJ," Howie started, but AJ had already made his escape.

Brian looked at the soggy cereal bowl left behind, lips parted in surprise. He glanced at the two older guys.

"He alright?" Kevin was frowning. "I’m not mad at him, you know ... this stuff happens."

Howie was quiet for a minute.

"Howie?"

"I think he’s worried that she might not be able to come home."

"Why?"

Howie shrugged slightly.

"But she’s good." Brian spoke up finally. "Everything’s good now."

Kevin’s face was annoyed, his joking mood gone. "There’s not just good and bad, Brian, there’s always complications."

Brian stared at him.

"Things go wrong. It’s never over."

"You’re a damn pessimist."

"I’m a realist."

Brian’s frown deepened. "Kev."

"What?"

"Stop."

"It’s true, Brian."

"It’s not, shut up." Brian’s eyes watched his cousin’s face uncertainly. He didn’t like the seriousness he saw there. It made his stomach knotted. "Why are you saying that?"

"Because it’s true."

"It’s not true," Brian repeated forcefully, glaring at him now. "You’re stupid now, Kevin. Don’t even talk." He started to get up, shaking off Howie when he tried to take his arm. "Get off."

Kevin face appeared unmoved as Brian left, but he was quiet for a minute. He looked at Howie finally. "Are you gonna leave too?"

"You shouldn’t tell him that stuff, Kevin."

"Why? It’s true."

"Because it’s not true. He’s just a kid, he takes what you say seriously."

Kevin shook his head. "He doesn’t listen to me."

"Kevin-"

"Forget it, man, he’s fine."

Howie just shook his head.

-

AJ felt someone else sit down hard next to him on the curb. The weight of the world came with them.

"My cousin’s a dickhead, don’t listen to him."

AJ’s eyes flew to Brian in surprise. He had never heard anything like that out of his mouth before. Ever. He didn’t know what to say back to it.

"He’s such a dickhead," Brian repeated, his voice drifting off softly.

He wasn’t expecting an answer, the way he said it. A painful few second dripped by.

"I just wanna go see my mom," AJ mumbled. He felt cold.

Brian sucked in a breath. "I just wanna go home ..."

And then he was crying.

AJ didn’t realize it at first, not until he looked over. He felt like he’d been stabbed. He’d never seen Brian cry. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what to do. He scooted in closer to him on the curb and swallowed back the lump in his own throat, staying quiet.

"I hate it here," Brian choked out, trying wipe away some of his tears. More replaced them as quickly as they disappeared. "I wish I never came."

AJ swallowed again quickly.

"I don’t wanna do this."

"I’m glad you came," AJ whispered, not really trusting his own voice.

Brian glanced at him, wiping his tearstained face again. He almost smiled. A sad smile. But he wanted to be back home. More than anything.

AJ watched him. "Don’t be sad." He was always pleading for that.

"I don’t like being away." Brian’s voice broke again, and his words were muffled. "No one wanted me to come anyway."

AJ couldn’t understand him. "What?"

Brian didn’t answer.

"Hey, guys?" a voice interrupted.

AJ looked up, surprised he hadn’t heard him approach.

Howie quickly cut off his words, realizing he had interrupted something. "Everything okay?"

Brian took a quick breath and drew away from them on the curb, wiping his face again with his sleeve. He felt the older man’s eyes on him. He wanted to disappear. Disappear back to Kentucky.

At the thickening silence, Howie continued with what he came for, figuring it was best not to make a big deal. He kept an eye on Brian at the same time. "I was ready to go, Aje, if you were."

"Yeah." AJ started to get to his feet, leaving the coldness of the ground. He still felt chilly though.

"Can I come with you guys?" Brian raised his head, his pleading eyes falling to Howie. "Please ..."

"Bri-"

"Please, Howie?" He didn’t want to have to go with Kevin later. No. He wiped his eyes again, sniffling slightly.

"Yeah, buddy, that’s fine." Howie didn’t want to push him. He knew the reason. The poor kid looked scared. "Let me just go tell Kev."

Brian nodded, keeping his seat on the curb as Howie disappeared, staring at the gravel under his worn sneakers. He kicked at it slightly. AJ watched him.

"My mom’ll be happy to see you."

Brian swallowed. "Yeah, I wanna see her."

AJ sat down on the curb again, leaning into him slightly. "Are you okay?"

"I just ..." Brian trailed off. "I don’t know. I don’t wanna talk about it."

AJ nodded slightly. He felt the same way. He didn’t know anymore.

-

Nick's first step into the room was a cautious one; it didn't look like anyone was around. For a worried second he was wishing his dad had waited around after dropping him off, just in case, but then he realized the room wasn't empty after all.

Kevin was sitting on the ground, his back against the wall, and so Nick joined him in relief, plopping down energetically. "Hi, Kev!"

"Hey ..." The older man's response wasn't as enthusiastic, but Nick wasn't fazed.

"Where's everybody?"

"Not with me."

"Why not?" Nick raised his head and quickly glanced around the room again like he might have missed someone, blonde hair falling over his forehead. "Where then? Are we early?"

"I don't know, I'm not sure, and no."

Nick's brow furrowed, as if retracing the questions in his mind and trying to attach the answers to them. "How come they're not here yet?"

"I don't know."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't know."

"Kevin," came the whine.

"Will you relax?"

Nick quieted at the sharp words. He got the hint. Blue eyes lowered, he waited a minute before trying again.

"Kev …?"

Kevin just looked at him with an even gaze. Nick took that as an okay to continue.

"You look mad."

"I'm not."

"You look it."

Kevin leaned his head back. Patience, God. "I'm not," he repeated.

"You-"

"Nicky," he interrupted. "Please, kid."

Nick quieted, shifting his position on the floor. He played with the strap on the bag he had brought with him absently, stretching his legs out. He picked up his water bottle, then put it down. He pulled his legs back up.

Normally at this time they would be either in the middle of something new or ruthlessly attacking something they couldn't get right. An instructor had already poked his head in twice in the time that he had been there, and said nothing. They never said anything, they just told the higher-ups. Who then told them. Berated them.

Nick shifted his position again, and Kevin tugged hard on the kid's shorts.

"Stop moving so much."

Nick moved his legs one more time, giving Kevin a slight pout. "I bet you know where they are."

"They went to go get AJ's mom from the hospital. I don't know where they are now, alright?"

Nick frowned, forehead creasing. "The hospital?"

"Yeah."

"Why's she in the hospital?"

"Because she's sick?"

Nick chewed his lower lip. "Why?"

Kevin rolled his eyes, bitterly. "Do people need a reason to be sick?"

Nick didn't answer right away. It wasn’t what he meant. "What's she have?"

Kevin hesitated, looking at him. "Cancer," he said cautiously.

The blue eyes widened slightly. "Isn't that really bad?"

"Well it's not really good."

Nick seemed to be thinking. He looked disturbed. Kevin just watched him. He hadn't meant to make him disturbed.

"What, Nick."

"I thought people with cancer ... I thought they die."

Kevin shrugged. He couldn’t give an answer to that.

Nick moved his legs again, shifting positions on the floor. His brow was furrowed. "I guess they don’t, I don’t know." He didn’t have any idea. "Kev?"

Kevin shook his head. "I don’t know."

Nick gave him a look. "Well his mom’s not gonna."

Kevin didn’t answer.

"Kevin?"

"Will you quit asking me shit? I don’t know, okay?"

Nick quieted. His face had a hurt expression.

Kevin stared straight ahead, not looking at him. He didn’t want the questions, he didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t have any answers. All he wanted was for the others guys to get there on time so they could get started.

Nothing ever went as planned. Ever.

As silence still passed, he glanced to the side, at the now silent kid sitting there. Nick was still for once. He was never still. Or quiet.

"Nick."

No response.

He was being ignored.

"Nicky." He reached over and touched his shoulder. The head tilted toward him slowly. "Sorry." The word was hard to say.

No answer.

"Nick."

"It’s okay," Nick answered in a soft voice.

"I don’t know anything either."

"But it’ll be fine?"

Kevin frowned. "I hope so." And he did.

"But you don’t know."

Kevin didn’t answer. How was he supposed to know for sure. No one knew anything for sure. They could all die tomorrow. Who knew.

"I like his mom," Nick said absently.

Kevin shook his head. "Nick, don’t worry about it."

"How can you not worry about it."

"Okay, fine ... worry about it."

Nick’s brow furrowed. "So I shouldn’t worry."

Kevin could have screamed.

Nick shifted again, stretching his legs out uncomfortably. "She’ll be fine probably. People are usually fine."

No they weren’t. "You talk too much."

"You talk too much," Nick retorted, looking back at him and frowning.

Kevin shook his head at the words.

Nick didn’t answer. He didn’t know what to say. The man didn’t seem to look on the brighter side of anything. He was older though, maybe he knew things.

Maybe.

He started to move again, but stopped when he felt eyes on him. He fought to stay still.

Where were they?

He heard voices then, as if his question was answered on demand, and the double doors opened. He quickly scrambled to his feet to meet them, but cut himself short when he saw that the practice instructor was only a step behind in coming through the door. He looked serious.

"You just made it." The man pretty much barked the words.

And so it began.

-

Kevin made his move in the parking lot after practice.

"Brian, ride with me."

Brian quickly glanced at him, a look of surprise caught on his face. He had been ready to hop into Howie's car. Escape. Damn.

"Come on." Kevin ignored the look Howie was giving him. The 'give him time' look. The kid had had enough time.

"I don't-"

"Brian."

Brian had longed since learned to argue with that tone. He gave Kevin the dirtiest look he could muster up instead.

"Can I ride with you?" Nick was asking.

Kevin shook his head, giving the younger kid a little push. "Some other time, not now."

"Why?"

"Cause I'll see you later. Go with Howie."

"You'll see Brian more later."

"That's fine." Kevin flicked the back of the blonde head gently. "Stop arguing with me, okay."

"I'm not arguing."

"Come on, Nick," AJ quickly interrupted, tugging on the younger's sleeve.

Brian watched with a hand loosely on the door handle of the truck, silently hoping that Nick would come with them after all. But when he saw that wasn't about to happen, he resignedly slid into the passenger seat.

He didn't want to deal with things. He just wanted to go home.

As Kevin pulled out of the parking lot, he said that exact thing.

"I wanna go home."

Kevin glanced at him. "We will later."

"No," Brian said firmly. He had misunderstood. "That's not home. Home home."

Kevin didn't answer.

"This isn't home," Brian repeated. "I hate it here." Just like when he had tried to tell AJ earlier, he felt the tears coming again. He swallowed quickly.

Kevin was caught off-guard. He hadn't expected this. "Why do you hate it here?"

"Because," Brian choked out. "I hate it. I don't wanna do this. I don't wanna do the group. Mom didn't even really want me to come." He wiped the falling tears away angrily. "Why'd you make me come? You don't even want me here."

"I want you here, buddy."

"No, you don't. You don't. You just needed somebody else." Brian sniffled, wiping his face again. Why did he have to cry. "Well I don't wanna be it."

"Brian." Kevin reached out to touch his arm, but the younger man scooted against the door of the car. "Brian."

He didn't get any answer.

He was debating on whether or not to pull over somewhere so they could really talk, but he decided against it. He needed the distraction of driving.

"Brian, if I didn't want you here I wouldn't have asked you to come."

Brian just shook his head.

"Look baby, I'm sorry I haven't had much patience lately. But I do want you here."

Brian sucked in a shaky breath. He wanted to go home. The tears started again. "Well I don't wanna be here."

"How come?"

"I hate it ...," Brian said uncertainly. He didn't want to talk anymore. He leaned his forehead against the window and squeezed his eyes shut.

"Bri."

"You're always making things out to be bad."

"Bad?"

"Yeah, nothing can ever be good."

"Yes, it can," Kevin started.

"Not with you."

Kevin hesitated. "Is that why you hate it here?"

"No." Brian turned his face back toward the window. No. He sniffled slightly.

"How come then?" Kevin asked gently.

"Because."

They weren't going to get anywhere. Not then. Conversation was not working.

"I don't want to talk now."

"Can we talk later?"

Brian nodded. There was always the possibility that later would never come.

-

"Your hair!"

AJ grinned at her, waiting for the response.

"It’s red." Denise raised an eyebrow at her pleased son, shaking her head slightly.

"Mauve, ma."

"Mauve," she corrected.

AJ nodded. "It’s celebration for you being home."

Denise laughed. "It’s colorful ... Is that permanent?"

"You should dye yours blue," he told her, dropping down on the couch next to where she was.

"Now there’s an idea." She reached out and touched his colored head, pushing it gently. "Permanent?"

"Nope."

"Good."

"You don’t like it?"

"It’s better than the green you did that time."

"That was blue."

"Well it looked green, kiddo."

AJ rolled his eyes, fighting a smile.

"So what’s up?"

"Not much..." He shrugged slightly, but smiled then for real. It felt good to really smile. "Glad you’re home."

"Me too." The two words spoke volumes. She couldn’t describe how good it felt to be in her own home, even now when she was still not feeling a hundred percent. It was home. Familiar.

AJ settled into the couch more comfortably, leaning into his mother slightly. "How’re you feeling?"

"I’m getting there... and how are you, Mr. Busy?"

He laughed. "I’m not that busy."

"You’re getting there."

"Yeah... I like it that way."

"I know you do. That’s good." Denise hesitated a minute and then turned her head toward him. "Hey... AJ... thanks for staying strong."

AJ didn’t answer. He didn’t feel strong. Not at all.

He was still struggling with that strong thing.

She watched him. His head never turned toward her.

"You’re the strong one," he said finally.

She shook her head. "Not alone."

At those words he looked at her instead of someplace else.

"I just wanted you to know," she told him. He had been the man of the house since he was four years old, and he had kept her strong from the start. She felt lucky.

"We’re lucky," he said, as if reading her mind.

Denise turned her head. Had she said it aloud?

"Star Wars is just starting." He pointed at the TV, as if she didn’t know where to look. She hadn’t even noticed him turn it on. "See?"

She inwardly was laughing. "Oh really? How about that? Pretty lucky."

"Wanna watch?"

"Sure. It’s a date."

AJ grinned.

It felt good.

And when she fell asleep before Luke even met Leia, he didn’t care. He just liked the fact that she was right there, next to him.

-

"A week?"

Howie nodded. "Yeah, it came fast, huh?"

"Yeah..." Brian pulled the pizza box on the counter toward him, looking at the slices as if debating which one would be the best to eat. He started to pull the pepperoni off of one. He didn’t feel like pepperoni. "Have you ever been?"

"To New York?"

"Yeah."

Howie shook his head.

"Yeah, me neither." Brian paused a second, thinking. "This is the only other state I’ve ever been ‘sides home."

"Now you can add another to your list."

"I wanna go to every state in the world and buy something from each one."

"Why don’t you start with the country," Howie said with a smile.

"That’s what I meant. Every state in the country."

"That’s a lot of states."

"I got a lot of time."

Howie nodded. True. He did.

"Then I’ll start the world."

Howie laughed. "You got a lotta plans."

"Yup, I do."

"Guys, don’t you wanna sit down and eat instead of standing around the counter?"

Howie and Brian looked up at Kevin’s voice. He was carrying a bag with the sodas he had gone out for when the realization had come earlier that they had none to go with the pizza. His coat was wet. It was raining.

"I like standing," Brian said.

Howie shrugged. "I’m fine, too."

"Okay." Kevin shrugged and set the heavy bag on the counter, shaking off some of the rain. "So how’s the pizza?"

"We’re going to New York this Friday," Brian interrupted.

Kevin paused in removing his clingy wet jacket. "We are?"

"Just got the call," Howie explained. "They moved it up."

"Wow."

"That’s three." Brian held up three fingers.

Kevin looked at Howie for an explanation.

"States."

"Ah." Kevin glanced at his cousin. "Brian... Bri, why don’t you take the piece out of the box and then take the pepperoni off?"

Brian looked up. "... Because." But he picked the piece up and put it on the other end of the box away from the others anyway.

"I thought you were the one that wanted pepperoni."

"I was."

"Not anymore?"

Brian shrugged. "Don’t really feel like it."

"He’s fickle."

Brian shot a look at Howie’s teasing voice.

Kevin started helping himself to the pizza. He got himself a plate first, unlike those before him.

Brian turned back to Howie. "Where are we going after New York?"

"I don’t know. Where do you want to go?"

"I don’t know. Nick says he wants to go to Australia."

Howie raised an eyebrow. "Does he know how long it takes to get there?"

Kevin chuckled. "That kid doesn’t sit still for five minutes, never mind the length of the plane ride it would take to get to Australia."

"I know."

Brian finally started to eat his pizza slice. He wasn’t even hungry anymore. He put it down and reached for the bag with the sodas, pulling out a Coke bottle.

"Oh hey Kev," he heard Howie say. "Laura called before."

"Yeah?"

"She was wondering why you never called her back."

Brian dropped the bottle. It just slipped, right out of his hands. It hit the floor, hard, and started to fizz up inside.

He found two pairs of eyes on him.

Kevin was frowning. "Because she never called...?"

They were both still looking at him.

"Did she."

Brian quickly dropped to picked up the bottle. It was going to explode. He looked at Kevin. He looked the same way.

"Brian."

"Huh." He put the bottle in the sink and started to loosen the cap to let the air out slowly. He was intently focused on it.

"Did Laura call?"

Brian gave up. "Yeah."

"When?"

"Martha?"

Kevin almost laughed. But not almost enough. "So you lied to me?" 

"You lied to me."

"Of course. I did something first," Kevin said sarcastically. "About what?"

"Going out with her."

"Are you serious? Grow up, Brian."

Brian looked hurt. He looked at Howie for help.

"You guys always fight about the same thing," the designated peace protector stated. "You have to find something new to fight about."

Kevin looked at him, smiling slightly. He was good. "That’s your advice? Fight about something else?"

"Pretty much."

"What’d you tell her on the phone, D?"

"I told her you had moved back to Kentucky."

Kevin had to laugh. No one liked Laura. Not even Howie.

"Sorry anyway," Brian muttered. "It’s not against you, anyway, it’s against her."

"Brian, forget it. Just forget it."

Brian looked at Howie before Kevin could catch his eye. "Howie, can I start the next fight?"

"Go for it." Anything.

But Brian caught them both off-guard when he took the bottle out of the sink and quickly opened it in Kevin’s direction, the spray hitting the older man full force in the chest and face. When Kevin grabbed for the bottle in reflex, Brian quickly dropped it, sidestepping the attack.

"Shit, Brian, you’re gonna get it!"

The soda made glugging noise as it emptied onto the kitchen floor.

Brian was busy trying to get behind Howie, who was trying to not get in the middle and to avoid stepping on the soda seeping across the ground.

"I wasn’t expecting that." Howie was laughing.

"It’s not funny, Howie." Kevin caught Brian by the arm, but Brian was laughing too. "I’m gonna get you back," he said, giving him a shake.

"How," Brian challenged through his laughing.

"I don’t know but you’re gonna clean that up."

Brian pulled against the hold, but Kevin held him tight.

"When you’re sleeping," he warned. He finally laughed. "I’m serious though. I’m getting you back when you’re asleep."

"Okay, sure."

"Now clean it up." Kevin let him go with a shove.

Brian grimaced as the push landed his sock clad feet in the puddle. Wet socks. Ugh. He gave Kevin the dirtiest look he could conjure up.

"I’m not cleaning it up."

"Don’t clean it up and see what happens."

"What would happen?" came the challenge.

"I’d kick your ass, that’s what."

"No you wouldn’t."

"Try me, Brian. Just test it once."

"Okay." Brian just looked at him.

"Just clean it up, will you?"

"Promise me you won’t do anything to me."

"The longer you wait the stickier and harder it’s gonna get to clean up."

"Promise."

"You started it."

"You’re older," Brian complained, frowning. "You’re supposed to be mature and suck it up."

"Oh really?"

"Yes."

"There’s a mop thing in the closet," was Kevin’s answer. "Help yourself."

"It was funny though, huh?" Brian smiled at him, not moving.

"Brian," Howie interrupted. "I don’t think he’s gonna think it funny much longer."

"It was funny."

"Brian, please?" Kevin asked easily this time.

"Fine," Brian huffed. He went to go grab the mop.

-

This is the first day of the rest of your life.

That’s what they had been told. For some reason, AJ never liked that expression, and he had made a face when he heard it in the van on the way to airport.

But the big speech that followed it was over now. The staying together, behaving, not getting lost, not injuring anybody, don’t screw us over and you’ll be fine speech. It pretty much nagged them all the way to the terminal where they had to wait.

But as soon as it was over, AJ dropped his backpack and tried to calm the anxious butterflies fluttering around in his stomach. They weren’t getting along too well with the small breakfast he had had earlier, and he was worried that any minute he might have to run for the nearest garbage can.

He dropped into one of the connected seats and pulled his bag towards himself by the straps, rummaging through it for his headphones. Anything to relax. Something dropped down next to him and turned his head slightly. "Hey, what’s up."

Nick paused from chewing on his lip. "I decided that I don’t want to go to New York anymore."

"Why?"

Nick shrugged, his face glum, the nervousness hidden in his blue eyes.

AJ dragged his ragged baseball cap out of his bag and pulled it on. The color in his hair was fading, it was almost back to plain old brown. No need to show it off. He had been told by management to never do such a thing again. He was already thinking about the next color.

He finally looked back at Nick. The worried eyes had never left him. "Why," he repeated.

"I don’t wanna go anymore."

"Oh." His eyes drifted to where his mother and Nick’s mother were talking. They were coming on the trip with them. Mothers always talked. He studied his mom’s face.

"Do you have batteries?" Nick asked.

"What for."

"My Gameboy’s batteries died."

AJ pulled his backpack onto his lap and started poking around in it again. Only Nick would have dead batteries before a trip even started.

"I’ve never flown before."

AJ didn’t answer. His fingers brushed against two double A batteries. Flying. He didn’t want to think about that. He picked them out. "What size?"

"... Small ones."

He dropped the batteries on Nick’s lap.

Nick stared at them for a minute. "What’s it like to fly?"

"I’ve never flown before."

The blonde head popped up. "You haven’t?"

AJ just shook his head. He twisted the end of his shirt between his fingers. The butterflies were at it again.

"I thought you had."

"Nope."

"Oh."

"It’s nothing though." AJ said it as much for his benefit as for Nick’s.

The overflowing backpack that Nick had clutched to his lap was dropped unceremoniously to the floor. Papers were sticking out. AJ expected it to explode at any second.

"What do you have in there?"

"Stuff."

"What sort of stuff?"

"My stuff."

"Is it top secret?" AJ leaned forward and reached for it only to have his hand kicked away by a sneaker-clad foot. He hit Nick’s leg in response, settling back into his seat. "Drugs?"

Nick shook his head.

"Beer?"

"No."

"Pornos?"

The blonde boy looked shocked that AJ would even say that word.

AJ continued unfazed. "Are you smuggling something? You’re supposed to tell them that back at the desk you know."

"No." Nick let out a breath, sad eyes settling on the tall windows across from where they were sitting. A plane was being taxied out.

There was silence. They both watched.

"Aaron cried this morning," Nick said.

AJ turned his head.

"Cause he knew I was leaving."

"You’re coming back, man."

"I know. But he doesn’t really get it. He’s too little."

"He should have come."

"I wanted him to. Mom wouldn’t let him." Nick was obviously not happy about that fact. He gave the bag at his feet a kick. It somehow remained still, no explosions. "He’s gonna sleep with BJ in her room though."

AJ just nodded. He didn’t know what it was like to have siblings. "He’ll be okay then."

"You think so?"

"Yeah. Definitely."

Nick’s foot connected with his bag again.

"We can board." As Brian announced this he saw Nick’s downcast expression and grabbed him, starting to tickle his sides. Nick fell out of the chair onto the overflowing backpack, giggling as he knocked Brian sideways with him.

AJ watched as Nick’s somber mood was completely soaked up. For the moment, not a trace of it lingered. He allowed himself to smile too.

"Wait, a picture."

Kevin couldn’t go through any event without taking a picture.

"Can you take it?" The camera got passed to Nick’s mom. "This is the before picture."

"The before?" Nick repeated Kevin’s words with a dubious expression. "What’s gonna happen to us?"

"Nothing, Nicker. Just smile."

"I am smiling," Nick told him.

"Well smile bigger."

"I can’t."

The picture was taken. The carryons were collected. Next thing he knew, AJ found himself boarding the plane. He shifted his backpack on his shoulder as they moved down the narrow aisle to their seats.

He was silently relieved when his mother took the seat next to him.

"Are you excited?"

He nodded.

"Nervous?"

"A little," he admitted. He played with the strap of the seat belt he had just buckled. It was something new though. He liked new things. Everyday was new. And he could handle anything.

He was okay.

"I’m glad you came," he said.

"I wouldn’t miss it for the world."

"When we have shows all over, I’m going to fly you first class," he told her.

Denise had to smile. That sounded like AJ. "You’re too good to me, Alex."

He shook his head. That wasn’t possible.

As the captain came on the intercom to introduce himself, AJ glanced across the aisle at Nick and Brian. It looked like Nick had dumped out nearly half of the bursting backpack in order to show Brian something he had drawn. Brian didn’t look the least looked fazed. In fact, he looked interested.

AJ figured he was a pretty good actor.

Kevin and Howie were talking about something seriously in one row back. But Howie caught his eye and gave him a smile.

He pulled his cap down a little. He had gotten so used to these guys, he felt like he had known them forever. The time where he hadn’t known them seemed so far away. It was a weird feeling.

AJ settled back in his seat, leaning his forehead against the cool, round window. Maybe it wasn’t going to be so temporary after all. Maybe it would be the last beginning. Things might happen. But they could face it.

For once, he didn’t have to force the smile that passed over his lips as the plane lifted them off the ground.

 

The End

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