Date: 12/15/07 12:06 am Title: The One
Of course I don't mind. It's interesting to see how other people's minds work and everything. :)
Author's Response: Great,Send me some e mail so I'll get your address
Date: 12/14/07 07:23 am Title: The One
I see people think it's rushed. Hmm. Maybe we can try and slow it down together? :)
~Kayla
Author's Response: I would love to.If you don't mind writing with others lol
Date: 12/08/07 04:21 pm Title: The One
The only thing for this one would be more detail. Describe the hotel he's walking around in. What is Jennifer wearing, since she should have a uniform for working at the hotel -- it would be different than her normal all black. Describe what AJ sees on her back before she runs away, even if she doesn't talk about it yet, we should still know what it is.
Date: 12/08/07 04:19 pm Title: The One
Would AJ really give up that easily in regards to her not telling him why she knew he was on lunch break? Especially after she forced him to tell her about his sex dream. I would make AJ put up a little more of a fight before giving in.
I meant to say this in the last dream chapter, but you should probably differentiate between the dreams and the real world with a line between them or by putting the dream in italics.
Author's Response: I was planning to write it like that lol aj will get more curious as the story goes along.Right now he's just 'okay whatever'
Date: 12/08/07 04:13 pm Title: The One
At the beginning when you say "it felt so real" you should really change the "it" to "the dream" because right now, the "it" is referring to his cock, since that was the noun in the sentence, and I do believe that IS real. ;D
I think Jennifer's reaction would be a good thing to include in this chapter, rather than ending it here. As it is, the ending feels very abrupt and disjointed.
Author's Response: I was trying to end the chapter in a little suspense ;)
Date: 12/08/07 04:10 pm Title: The One
At first, AJ sees a "black fabric" -- that's an interesting way to phrase that and brings images of something like a flag in the wind to my mind. Maybe say "figure dressed in black from head to toe?" or cut out the from head to toe part if it's just her shirt or something.
Who is saying "wow! I love that bookstore?" you should add a clarifying statement afterwards, since you just added the other guys to the scene; it could be any one of them.
I think there should be more in the park. Maybe between the love that bookstore line and her saying "I should get back" you could describe the park that they're sitting in.
"That'ld be great." "That'd" or "That would" is what you're looking for. :]
"AJ went with her into the night where they ended up in the woods." Maybe rephrase this a little? "AJ walked up to her in the night and followed her lead. They ended up in the woods." then, describe the woods in lots of detail. :]
The big thing I think this fic is lacking is detail -- you have great ideas and are using them well in the plot, but it's moving too fast. If you start explaining and describing more things it'll slow the pace down and that'll help. For this chapter specifically: why are the guys in the park in the first place? what are they doing? are all five guys there? who are they [for the people who don't know already, haha]? etc. At the end of this chapter, there is a lot of doing, but not a lot of feeling. With the Point of View you're using in this fic, you could delve into what dream!AJ is thinking / feeling / getting out of the sex. For example: "AJ had never paid so much attention to how a girl was using her fingernails until Jennifer lightly scratched at his abdomen." or "Her hands found their way to his pants and she slid her hand inside. AJ was slightly nervous, as he was with everyone the first time they came in contact with his penis." Stuff like that. :]
Date: 12/08/07 03:51 pm Title: The One
Near the bottom, you have: “Then AJ thought of something.What time is it?” The first set of quotes should come before "what" not then.
Also, the "I better go." statement seems a little weird, since he just looked around the apartment. It seems like he's freaked out that the sky is gray and he has to leave because of that? I would suggest just taking out that line.
Author's Response: okay it's gone
Date: 12/08/07 03:48 pm Title: The One
In the first sentence, Scotch should be capitalized and there should be a comma between bar and finishing.
In the second sentence, he is typoed to "hw."
At the end of that section, maybe elaborate a little more. This chapter has great potential, but is lacking detail. After the sentence ending in "best friend" maybe describe what happened with Lisa and how his relationship with Amanda was going at that moment. Rather than just telling us that, maybe have AJ think back on a scene that happened with her earlier and have it played out with dialog and action so we can see it.
I would make Touch her. its own sentence to give it more of an effect.
Author's Response: lol I was going to make the whole lisa/amanda thing a whole chatper by itself.
Date: 11/16/07 06:42 am Title: The One
It's kinda rushed & I got a little lost when A.J. was dreaming in the chapter - but it's not a bad story. It's rather amusing - lol. Poor A.J. meeting the girl, then stuck being able to only dream about her.
Update!
~Lenni~
Author's Response: I thought so but i can't seem to slow it down if you get what i mean lol
