Date: 06/10/14 09:58 am Title: Chapter 12
Cute ending :). Nice scene to wrap it up with.
Author's Response: I like a good old fashioned happy ending, thanks for choosing me for the challenge, i appreciate it and will take everything into consideration. Thanks for the review. .
Date: 06/10/14 09:55 am Title: Chapter 11
Where did Howie go? He's like, gone LOL. I also feel like Brian throwing Nick out (even if he was pissed for every reason) was kinda left field. It's a group so...wouldn't all four of them need to talk. Or even a big argument scene with Kevin, Aj and Howie pulling them in would make sense. LOL at drinking being the solution.
Author's Response: Mare had mentioned that to me as well. I think this story is due for a major overhaul. I hadnt realized how much work it needed but when i was rereading it i thought the same thing. Brian wouldnt just throw him out like that. Thanks Rose for the review. Hope this doesnt deter you from reading my other stuff one day.
Date: 06/10/14 09:50 am Title: Chapter 10
Awww this was sad. It took me a minute to cotton on to Kevin having a flashback. Sometimes italicizing those scenes helps with that. :).
Author's Response: I actually wanted to put that in italics but i wasnt able to because the editor for AC didnt allow me at the time. I may go back and fix it if i ever get on a computer.
This scene was sad, i love Nick and Kevin
Scenes
Date: 06/10/14 09:48 am Title: Chapter 9
I know you wrote this on your phone so I'm keeping that in mind when I comment. Everything I say is stuff I think you can fix even with just your phone. I do think if you rewrote this story and put in some real meat and depth into it, it would've been a really good comedy. The ideas for it are good. Don't doubt that.
Whoa at Leighanne hooking up with Nick. That was a curveball I didn't see coming.
Author's Response: I may do that eventually. But like i said before, i could really use a beta. I know i am not a horrible writer by any means but I do have a bit to learn. I am still trying. I am glad you want to help me by the criticism. This idea was actually a favorite of mine that ive had. When i started writing it I hadn't seen 13 going on 30 yet so i think my thoughts were a bit discombobulated.
Date: 06/10/14 09:24 am Title: Chapter 8
The transitions here are really suddenly and a bit offputting. I had to reread to see if the time of day changed and whatnot. Sex scenes are good to fade to black but you need to do a completely new scene otherwise it all runs together and get confusing. Poor Nick at saying he's not a virgin anymore lol
Author's Response: Sorry about that. I sometimes have trouble deciding when to transition or how to. Thanks for the review.
Date: 06/10/14 09:21 am Title: Chapter 7
Lmao at Nick breaking the car. Why haven't any of them tried to take him to a doctor or something? Some of the Boys' reactions I feel like could be a little stronger.
Author's Response: Nobody else asks questions like that. I didnt think of adding that kind of stuff because it was just something I wrote for fun. Now with my novels I took more care in that, but this was always meant as a quick read. I didnt really take care with it like the more serious stories.
I could probably just rewrite this whole story one day using your suggestions and it could be a lot better. So thank you for bringing up the concerns because nobody ever really gave me honest criticism. Sorry this wasnt edited better because I wrote it without a beta and 100% on my blackberry phone i had at the time.
Date: 06/10/14 08:57 am Title: Chapter 6
This chapter feels really disjointed. I like the fan attack though, I always hated the whole "Thor" thing LOL.
Author's Response: I never liked the Thor thing myself either, so I thought it would be fun to poke at. Thanks for the review!
Date: 05/29/14 06:25 am Title: Chapter 5
What a rough conversation to have. Though I do wonder why Nick doesn't try the internet. Dated as it was, it did exist back in 1993 LOL. But I can overlook that cause the net wasn't a "thing" yet then haha. I feel like there's a lot more you can add to these scenes, and the starting one could maybe be separate from the one of Brian/Nick together.
Brian/Nick scenes are always something I love :). And I like that it contrasts Frick/Frack to Nick/Brian today.
Author's Response: I am so sorry, i didnt realize i hadnt answered this one. Funny how you mention him looking things up online, that will actually come into play a bit later.
I love Frick and Frack too and I have been wanting to write another story centering them. I have been reading this one as you comment and there really is so much i could do with this story that I should have explored more. I didnt see it at the time i wrote it. Thanks for the review Rose!
Author's Response: I am so sorry, i didnt realize i hadnt answered this one. Funny how you mention him looking things up online, that will actually come into play a bit later.
I love Frick and Frack too and I have been wanting to write another story centering them. I have been reading this one as you comment and there really is so much i could do with this story that I should have explored more. I didnt see it at the time i wrote it. Thanks for the review Rose!
Date: 05/29/14 06:21 am Title: Chapter 4
One thing, I think you overused the elipses. Sometimes using them is really effective but you use them a lot in this chapter. And while Nick is young in this story at times it feels like he's coming off younger than he actually is. Still his reaction to Lauren was pretty funny, poor Lauren. At the rate he's going the Boys are going to have him committed LOL.
Author's Response: I am not sure i realized at the time how young he comes off but he probably does seem a lot younger and more innocent than he should be than i meant to do, i think for comedic purposes i did that. I am surprised they havent committed him already!
Date: 05/29/14 06:16 am Title: Chapter 3
I really wish I could see more of Nick's thought process. I think it would add a lot more to this story, especially the beginning chapters when he's so confused about well, everything. Oddly enough I think Nick would've been thinking that being an adult is cool lol. Isn't it every 13 year old boy's dream to grow up and get girls? LOL.
I really like the Boys' concern. They should be worried and wondering wtf happened to Nick.
Author's Response: I am glad their concern came across well. I forgot to mention in my last response, i submitted this story at Mares suggestion as a fun read. I also think i could improve on it so i am glad you are trying to help me. It means a lot because i have always looked up to you Julie and Mare as writers.
Date: 05/29/14 06:12 am Title: Chapter 2
Here's the thing Tracy - you submitted this story for the reading challenge. No one is going to know the circumstances you had writing it. No reader would normally either. I take concrit pretty seriously so I do wonder why you submitted the story if you chose, like you said, to give it the flaws you did.
That said, I'm gonna review it like any other story. Because you submitted it like one. That's my job in this challenge. You can do with it what you will :).
I feel like Lauren wouldn't have just left. She would've asked what was wrong, that sort of thing. She's his girlfriend and not some one night stand. Why isn't she concerned? Her boyfriend just screamed at her to get out. I also think Nick would've at least glanced in a mirror before he left after getting dressed. You also didn't mention Nick putting on any of the big clothes so did he open the door to see Brian naked? I know why you wrote it the way you did, it just isn't easy to picture even if it made the ending a bit better and more dramatic.
This chapter did flow a little bit better than the last one, and I did LOL a little when Nick blurted out how Brian was old.
Author's Response: I think we got off to a bad foot. Here is something you probably dont know, i am really not used to getting concrit when i am needing it, and i didnt know how to handle it when i did get it so I apologize for that. I want this to be a positive experience for both of us.
I went and reread the chapter and it does need a lot of work on setting up the story. Youre totally on point with what you pointed out. I don't want you to have to change how you do the challenge just for me. Thanks for the review.
Date: 05/29/14 12:22 am Title: Chapter 1
Okay Tracy, now I give concrit with these challenges because I feel like that's the best way to help with these. So I review a little differently than I do normally. Nothing I say is to be mean or hurtful, I'm trying to help.
This is a cute idea cause Nick has changed a lot since the beginning days of the group LOL.
One thing I noticed straight off however is the similar dialogue tags. One was even used twice. "Kevin told him wisely", comes off very repetitive. Maybe find a way to write dialogue so less tags are needed but the voice is unique to the character so the readers can still tell?
I know you write from your phone and this is partly a preference/style issue, but this is big on dialogue and lacking in content. Instead of just saying, "some time later", use that to fill in with something else.
I'm really big on characterization and set up. Your story assumes the reader knows everything. From a fanfic point it's okay but from a writer point it's not so much. What tour is this? The HS tour? Where's Lou? Is this the first tour without Jane there with Nick? These are questions as a reader I shouldn't be having to ask, if that makes sense. Little details like that can help make a story feel more real.
I realize in the next chapter it jumps into Nick being in his 30 year old body, but the drastic difference would be emphasized a lot more if you included details like that. :)
Author's Response: I was actually nervous that you were reading this story for the reasons you mentioned. This was a story I had written purely for fun between projects that I was working on.
I appreciate the criticism, I kind of expected it because of how you are when you write. Like I said before this was just a quick story that I wrote and I should have considered being more descriptive, but I chose not to. I always worry about being too descriptive or having too much/not enough dialogue. I took more care when I was writing my novels because i felt they needed it. Thanks for the tips and choosing me, I hope you enjoy the story. :)
Date: 07/22/13 02:33 pm Title: Chapter 12
Aww that was a really sweet and cute story, Tracy. I love how you jumped t present day at the end to show us that Nick didn't screw up his life the second time around. I'm glad I got a chance to read this. :O)
Author's Response: Sorry for not answering this, when i was checking my reviews i noticed this had gone unanswered. I always feel honored when you read one of my stories even if it could have been written better. Thanks Mare.
Date: 07/21/13 03:37 pm Title: Chapter 11
Aww, I'm glad he finally came clean with Kevin. It's weird how the other guys just let Brian throw Nick out of the band. And where is poor Howie? LOL I picture him just sitting in a corner pouting because he's been neglected in this story. Poor Howie! :O( lmao I'm sad there's only one chapter left.
Author's Response: See I really regret doing that but I have been trying to include Howie more. I think I should have had the others object in some way. He is in my other stories a bit more. I kind of was one of those people who acted as if Howie was just "there" :( poor Howie.
Date: 07/20/13 10:16 pm Title: Chapter 10
Aww this chapter was really heart breaking. Poor Nick and poor Kevin!
Author's Response: Oh yeah I had to go back and read it but yes poor boys!!! The little flashback was pretty sad. Thanks so much for reading!
