I’m starting this book, knowing I’ll never finish it. Hell, I’ll probably never write it. I know who will, and I’m alright with that. That’s why I had him promise to me that he’d do it. And he will, for me. But I know he’ll include this note I’m writing, a lead in to the story I want the world to know.

I’m fading now. Fading away no matter how much I freaking fight it. I’m fighting like hell to hold on. But it’s getting harder and harder with each damn day. Soon, I’ll be gone; leaving nothing behind that even resembles who I am. It’s killing me to know what my future holds, and I’m going to admit it, I’m scared beyond anything I’ve ever imagined.

So remember me as I was, and not for what I’ll become.

Remember how I lived, not how I’ll die.

Remember me this way.

That’s all I ask.

Chapter One

Nickolas Gene Carter was never the average Joe.

No, in his world, everything seemed to orbit around the extraordinary. Whether it was in his career as one fourth of the Backstreet Boys, or his life in general, nothing was simple. He noticed that in all honesty, his life was never uncomplicated. Even when he laid low and stayed out of trouble, something always came up to keep things interesting. He tossed his jacket on the couch as he walked into his condo. He headed into the kitchen, his stomach rumbling mildly as it did. It was an observation caused by the run around he’d been forced to give some stalker fans, on his way home. Rather than leave him be, they followed his car to the point where he decided to speed up and make as many random turns as he could till he lost them.

They were in Los Angeles again, putting the final touches on yet another album. He was anxious for it; he wanted to return to Tennessee. He’d have never thought it, but the southern state did something for him. Not that he liked admitting Brian had been right about that. It’d been the Kentuckian’s suggestion that Nick avoided both the east and west coasts during their time off, and tried going south somewhere. The vibe was nothing like the shallow ones he knew of in California, and was even better than Florida, the home state he still loved but couldn’t get any peace in. Too many knew how to find him there.

Still, what bothered him wasn’t anything like that. Overall, Nick found himself okay with everything. Happy was too strong a word. He was single once again, Lauren having dumped him the year before over his inability to fully commit to anything. She wanted to settle, and Nick despite everything, couldn’t do it. He often wondered if he loved her the way he thought he did. If he had, why couldn’t he marry her the way she wanted him to? He never believed in marriage, but he had once figured that if a woman he was in love with wanted it, he’d do it for her.

So when Lauren asked, it should’ve been an easy yes, right? Instead it lead to an intensely difficult no, and the demise of their relationship.

‘Why am I thinking about this anyway? Oh yeah, cause I was dumb enough to move near her place cause I figured I could love the damn condo and ignore the fact she’s so damn close’

He’d bought his latest LA residence almost immediately after the split, even though he went back to Tennessee for the next six months. But anytime he had to come to town, thoughts of his ex soon followed. Nick had just loved the airy layout of the condo too much to say no to it despite the proximity and the way it got to him. He sighed as he rummaged through his refrigerator, pausing and chuckling at his watch that was waiting inside, beeping at the start of the hour, next to the milk.

“How did…eh, must’ve fallen off last night when I got in.” He told himself, ignoring the fact it likely didn’t. The most likely explanation, he knew, deep down, was that he’d been drunk beyond reason the night before. He probably thought the fridge was his countertop at that point. Nick grabbed the sports watch and strapped it on his wrist, still lost in thought.

That had been the other reason Lauren left, his drinking. Although he never binged the way he had before, or let himself fall into the habits that had consumed his twenties; at the age of thirty five, Nick found himself drinking more recklessly once again. He knew everyone was concerned, but in all honesty, Nick had a handle on things. It was just that, as he got older, he found more reasons to escape the world.

Spotting what he was looking for, he reached in and grabbed the apple from the back. If nothing else, he still ate healthy, determined as ever to keep his shape trim. His cell rang, and exerting a sudden rush of energy, he shut the fridge, thrust himself over his countertop and lunged for the couch where the jacket still lay.

“Hello?”

“Hi Nicky!” he made a face. After all these years, still he couldn’t tolerate being called “Nicky”, he’d never forgive Howie for making sure the world tried to call him that during his teen years. The voice was female and vaguely familiar. Though he couldn’t put a name to it. Playing “Name That Groupie!” in his head was never a fun thing to try and do when on the phone with said one night stand. He knew it had to be one, cause no one legitimately close to him called him Nicky. They knew better. His mother called him Nicky, which said all it needed to about their relationship.

“Um…hey baby.”

“So I was thinking…maybe later tonight…”

His mind panicked. Never repeat groupies. That always led to attachment. AJ was the one who taught him that lesson during earlier (though not innocent) days. Having the same groupie twice would soon turn into an obsessive girlfriend you never even dated. In fact having a friend with benefits deal was the better alternative.

‘Why did I give her my number?’

“Listen, I have a hangover and…” His phone buzzed in his hand. Checking the screen, he could see Brian’s name flashing across it. Saved by the holy man. “…and now I gotta work because Brian’s calling. Later baby.” Swiftly he ended the call. He felt a twinge of guilt at using her like that, but it soon passed. People still used him, and have been for almost twenty years now. It was only right if he did the same thing to those who did it to him, right? He knew those girls never loved him, they only wanted the image he put out. Once they had it, they never wanted him. So why bother?

“Hello?”

“Frackolas!” Nick felt himself grin. If there was one person in the world he knew would never use him, or betray him, it’d be Brian. Their relationship had been through a lot over the years, but as they got older, their bond got closer.

“Fricky Frick!”

“What are you doing…right now.”

Nick took a loud bite of his apple and chomped down as annoyingly as he could next to the cell. “Eashing.” He replied, mouth full as he took another bite.

“You sound like a horse.”

“You’d know country boy.”

Brian laughed. “Says the guy who now lives in good ole’ Tennessee.”

“I miss it actually. You’re never gonna let me live it down are ya man?”

“I can’t!”

“So whatcha want?” Nick asked, eating the apple in a less annoying manner now. He lay back on the couch, getting comfortable.

“I’m thinking I stop by for a b-ball game, your complex has a court right?”

“I dunno, I’m kinda wiped. We’re recording early tomorrow aren’t we?”

“Nick, I’m worried about you. AJ relapsed hard cause he thought he could drink again, I don’t want you-“

He sighed. “I’m alright. I’m not acting crazy, the doc says my heart’s alright and I can drink as long as I don’t go crazy with it. I’m okay Bri, really. You don’t need to babysit me.” His tone had become agitated, knowing the real reason Brian was calling now. He thought he’d pull a Kevin and check up on the youngest. They all thought he was still that reckless fifteen year old, despite the fact they were off by a good twenty years.

“I wasn’t babysitting Nick, I really thought it was a cool idea. Plus Baylee’s been wanting to stay over again.”

It was funny, as jealous as Nick was when Baylee was first born; they had a special relationship now. It had been childish, but he felt the kid was stealing his best friend away with the help of Leighanne. As the years had gone by, “Uncle Nick” had formed a bond with the kid. He was like Brian in miniature in so many ways; it had been hard for Nick not to. It lead to sleepovers, Nick taking Baylee out on trips, and being there for him when the kid felt he couldn’t go to Brian during the past eleven years. Their bond was special to the both of them, and now that Nick lived closer, they were able to hang out more than they used to. Nick had often called Baylee his adopted child; since he was pretty sure at his current rate he’d remain a lifelong bachelor, never to have any kids of his own.

It wasn’t what he’d predicted when he was younger; he always assumed that’d be AJ, who ironically had three year old twin girls. The man was divorced, but at least he’d have his kids. Jealousy stabbed Nick’s heart once more. He wouldn’t even have that from the looks of it.

“Nick, you there?”

“I’m here Brian. Safe and sound. No worries.”

“Look, you’d get upset if I wasn’t doing this. There’s times I can’t win. If I wasn’t, you’d think I don’t give a damn. Like during our hiatus. And when I check up on you, I’m a worrywart.”

“That’s not true anymore. And like I said, I am fine. I’m gonna just crash tonight.”

“Nick, you’re lying to me aren’t you?” And then there were times he wished Brian couldn’t read him so well. Even over a phone, he always seemed to know.

“I’m not. Look…” He faked a yawn, making sure it was loud enough for Brian to hear over the phone as he tossed his apple core into the nearby trashcan. “I need to get some rest. I was out hella late last night and I don’t wanna sleep in and be all late tomorrow. Howie will kill me. Dude he’s gotten to be like Kevin.”

“Nick-“

“Goodnight Brian.” He cut him off, hanging up the phone with a final flip. He jumped up from the couch, heading into the bathroom. Nick stared at himself in the mirror as he ran some gel to spike up his hair a bit, checking for grey. It had yet to make an appearance, and he mentally thanked his dad’s genes for that small fact, before thanking his mother’s for the fact he wasn’t balding yet either. He rubbed his chin, feeling the slight stubble there. Aside from a few laugh lines around his eyes, you could hardly tell his age still. If people didn’t know who he was, they’d probably guess him to be in his mid twenties. At least he had that going for him.

He grabbed his cologne, dabbed himself a bit with it, and walked back out to grab his jacket and keys. Nick stormed out of his condo, feeling so rebelliously angry at Brian for his protectiveness. He’d show him he had a handle on things. He’d go out to the clubs tonight, probably Mood as it tended to be his favorite nightclub in Los Angeles. He’d drink and party, but not go crazy.

‘I’m fine. I’ll be fine. Brian just doesn’t get that I can’t live his life and never will.’ He thought to himself as he made his way down to his Lexus Hybrid. He was still as environmentally conscious as ever, even though he was still unable to commit to a specific charity for it.

His thoughts however as he got inside and started up the car, were mainly those wishing he could live the life Brian wanted him to. He wanted it, but he was unable to ever get a solid grasp upon it. Nick simply wished he’d give up the idea, and resented the fact Brian couldn’t give it up either. Perhaps if his best friend could, Nick could one day as well.

It was those thoughts that made him crave a drink even more as he drove out of the parking lot.

It was thoughts like those that had driven him back to his old habits to begin with.

And those were the things Nick kept praying he could forget.

One day, Nick would wish he'd been careful with what he wished for.

Chapter Two

When Nick awoke the next morning, confusion was his new friend.

He took in his surroundings. Nothing looked familiar. The room was not his own. Neither was the bed. In fact they had the standardized look of a Motel 6. The girl sleeping next to him in the nude was a nice surprise, causing him to jerk back a bit. His mind felt muddled and drowsy and he racked his brain to remember just exactly happened at the club last night. Most of it was a complete blur. He rubbed his forehead as he sat up, trying to decipher what he did.

He’d gotten mad at Brian and went to the clubs to blow off stream.

There’d been drinks, and lots of them.

He groaned as his head throbbed. But the groan wasn’t because of the pain, rather because of the realization of what last night was. It had been a binging night, something he’d sworn to himself that he wouldn’t ever do again. A blurry haze of memories filtered through his mind, lots and lots of drinks. The girl next to him had been….a fan. Not a groupie, but a fan he’d drunkenly attempted to seduce, and succeeded from the looks of it. After that, everything was blank. He didn’t remember leaving the club, coming into a hotel, nothing.

‘Well shit…what the hell was I thinking?’

But he knew what he’d been thinking. He’d been angry. Rational or not, it didn’t matter. When Nick got angry, he got reckless. He always found himself on a mission to prove something. And when Nick Carter got on those self made missions, disaster or random chaos usually followed. In all actuality waking up next to a random girl he couldn’t remember sleeping with, was mild compared to what could’ve been the result. Lately, with his drinking, he’d been blacking out events more, not that he would ever admit that to Brian. He stretched a bit as he climbed out of bed, immediately pulling on the jeans haphazardly thrown on the floor the night before. His cell phone buzzed in his pocket, and still shirtless he headed into the restroom as he answered quietly.

“Hello?”

“Nick where are you?” The accent that had faded over the years was in full force, angry and loud, making Nick cringe as head throbbed intensely once more.

He blinked. “Howie? I just woke up, what’s the matter?”

“You’re an hour late!”

Nick’s eyes scrambled around for some sign of the current time. They settled upon a cheap looking wall clock within the bathroom and he felt them widen. Eight in the morning. Howie was right. “Shit, D, I’m sorry. I-“

“It’s alright Nick, just get here ASAP okay?”

He nodded, for a moment forgetting that that the Puerto Rican man couldn’t see him. “No problem. Be there soon.” He hung up the phone and gave himself a good look in the mirror again. Nick looked horrible and he knew it. There were bags under his eyes from what he knew to be a lack of real sleep; his hair was every which way. Turning on the sink, he put his hands in, using the water to slick back his hair a bit, splashing his face as well in an effort to wake up.

When he found himself looking less like a zombie and more like a member of the living, Nick walked back into the main room. There the girl still slept, a mess of raven black hair strewn around the pillow, her full lips forming a small smile. She was sweet looking, and although Nick couldn’t remember what she’d been like, he felt guilty for what he was about to pull.

Searching around for his shirt, he pocketed his watch from the nightstand beside the bed and fought to keep himself as quiet as possible. Maybe if she woke up, she’d think it was a dream? The thought was unlikely yet it managed to comfort his own misgivings about his actions. Finally he spotted his shirt, half hidden under the bed, along with his leather jacket which had been thrown across a tiny shabby looking blue couch at the end of the room. Checking the pocket, he smiled in relief at the slight jingle of his car keys. Carefully, he crept out the door and down the hall, throwing on a pair of shades in hopes no one would recognize him.

Since the group’s move to Interscope Records four and a half years before, they had risen back to the heights of fame they hadn’t seen since their comeback back in 2005. Nothing close to what the insanity was from 1999, but they had become relevant one more, with a triumphant return to Top 40 radio. With the return to trendsetting rather than trend chasing, they’d caused the backlash against the lip-synching and auto tune that had become trendy during what they’d dubbed their “underground phase”. Radio had come back to loving acts with true vocal talent, rather than media hype.

And while they’d all loved the success coming back their way and had been enjoying it ever since both as a group and through their solo careers; there were moments Nick missed the days where no one cared about them in the United States. During “Unbreakable” and even “This Is Us”, it had been easier to go out and about unnoticed, and ignore the few paparazzi that only came his way because they couldn’t find anyone better than a Z-lister at that moment. Now, he was lucky he could go anywhere in major cities without being spotted and mobbed once again.

Thankfully, the motel (which he learned was Figueroa Hotel, not Motel 6) was not a place he’d normally be seen in and as he headed outside into the parking lot, he wondered just what made him choose it. Probably just a lack of sober thinking, if he wanted to be honest with himself.

It wasn’t exactly close to Mood either, maybe he’d club hopped for a bit before he met his one night stand?

Nick spotted his car and jogged over to it, despite how his stomach lurched a bit in protest. He’d pop a hangover pill later, he figured. It’d become habit to store some in the dashboard of his car, hidden away in the back of it in case Brian or any of the fellas decided to suddenly get nosey.

He took a left out of the parking lot and made his way down the roads. He frowned as he tried to remember the quickest way to the recording studio. There wasn’t a lot left to do, just a couple songs on their list of those they wanted to try out for the next record. He made a turn down Olympic Boulevard, figuring he was on the right track. He turned on the radio, and grinned a bit as Green Day filtered through the speakers. Deep down he was still a lover of rock, even though he long ago realized that wasn’t all of who he was as a musician.

Lost in thought, he continued making his way to the studio, or at least he thought he was. He frowned as he took a good look around him, nothing feeling familiar to him anymore in the town that at one point of his life was home. His eyes kept skipping around the area, showing nothing that sparked even a hint of recognition to him. Despite himself, he was worrying. He felt his phone buzzing once more against him. Pulling over to the side of the road due to the California cell phone laws, his frustration beginning to rise, he answered.

This time, it was AJ.

“Yo, where ARE you? It’s 9:30 and Howie’s about to cut a bitch.”

“I’m…” Nick sighed and looked out through his window. He wasn’t about to admit he hadn’t a clue where he was right now. The guys teased him enough at his ability to space out reality so often. “…on my way. Traffic is insane right now.”

Maybe it was? If Nick was lucky, it would be, simply to support his answer. Then again, he never lucked out in situations like this.

“Really?”

“Oh yeah, some crazy accident or something.”

‘Please don’t let AJ ask where or I’m fucked.’ He prayed silently, going through the radio stations to try and find out what to say in his lie in case the prayer failed and he was in fact asked.

“Aight.”

“I’ll be there soon.” ‘I hope’ He added mentally.

“B wants to talk to you.”

“AJ I can’t drive if y’all keep me on the phone.”

“Hey you know how he is, if I say no he’ll jump my ass and grab it from me.” A pause. “Here Brian.”

“Are you okay Nick?”

Nick felt his dimming temper begin to ignite once more as he grit his teeth. Brian was getting to be more and more like his cousin over the years, only it wasn’t in the good ways. “Yes, I’m fine. Just caught in traffic.”

“Are you sure? I have a feeling…”

“I’m alright okay? Baylee’s your kid Brian, not me. Look I overslept which was why I didn’t wanna play basketball in the first place yesterday. Now today, there’s traffic that’s holding me up. I’ll be there soon. I’m alive, I’m fine, and fuck, I’m even dandy. Now get off my ass Brian.”

He was met with silence on the other end, which suited Nick just fine. Part of him knew that he was taking out his frustration on the bad morning he’d been having on Brian, but the other part of him figured he deserved it for not treating him like the adult he was.

“See you there then.” And then he was met with the dial tone.

“Fuck!” He tossed the cell in the passenger seat and hit the steering wheel in annoyance. He looked outside the window again and this time caught sight of the road he was on. West 11th.

“Okay, don’t panic Nick. You just haven’t been in dive hotels in years, and you’re used to Nashville now. That’s all. Okay. Just need to find the place before the guys decide to hunt me down. No big deal. “

How was he supposed to get back to the recording studio when he wasn’t even sure how to get back to that random hotel he’d stayed at the night before? He kicked the floorboard, angry at himself for even being so stupid to begin with. He knew better than to try and prove anything to Brian. It always got him in messes he was always to stubborn to ask for help cleaning up. It was then he finally noticed the GPS system he always forgot he had on his car. The reason Nick never remembered it was simply because he never used it really.

He entered in his current location, and racked his brain to remember the address of Paramount Recording Studio. His mind relayed the mental pictures of it, trying to remember exactly what the street signs said. Finally, Santa Monica sprang to the forefront of his mind. Relieved that he was finally able to remedy this blunder, he turned the radio up once more, head banging happily to Linkin Park as his car was finally finding its way to the recording studio.

****

It’d been almost eleven before Nick finally walked through the doors. He was met with two sullen faces as he shrugged sheepishly. Luckily for him, Howie seemed to be laying down his vocals, but despite that managed to send Nick a deadly glare from recording booth. AJ raised a brow but decided to stay quiet. Brian on the other hand had no problems walking up to him and pulling Nick aside away from AJ’s ears.

“What happened?”

“Look, I wasn’t paying attention and I got lost in traffic.” Nick figured perhaps a kernel of truth hidden within the lies would help his story a bit against Brian.

“Alright. Look I’m sorry if I’m worrying too much. I just have this feeling, maybe it’s just because your bleached blonde booty has a knack for trouble” He teased.

Nick beamed at his best friend, the anger from earlier that day and the night before now forgotten. It was hard to stay mad at Brian, a fact he often cursed and appreciated at the same time. He pulled the shorter man into a hug, ruffling what was left of Brian’s thinning hair. “At least I still got hair to dye shorty. Maybe I should look into finding you a wig…”

Brian shoved him back, laughing. “Bald…is…” he posed into a faux model stance. “…beautiful!”

He chuckled. “And this is why people still think we’re gay.”

“Oh you know it honey!”

Nick had this feeling that although Brian let it go for now, he wasn’t giving up so easily. Brian never did. Even though he wouldn’t admit it, and often denied it even to himself, he loved that Brian was stubbornly persistent. His thoughts were interrupted as Howie stepped out of the booth.

“You’re up tardy Boy.”

Nick saluted and rushed into the vocal booth, forgetting the troubles of that morning and being swept within the passion of what he loved.

Music.

With all the changes that he’d lived through, and all that had yet to come, that would be the one thing that would never change. His love for the music.

Chapter Three

“Nick are you paying attention?”

“Nick?”

“Niiiiick…”

“Nicky!” Howie called, finally causing Nick to snap back to attention. He’d found himself spacing out more and more during the past month. They’d finished the album and were now trying to block for the performances of their first single “Calling Out To You” and work out the choreography. They had yet to decide the final album tracklist, but they were more concerned on making sure the performances would be on point.

“Sorry! And don’t call me Nicky!” he half whined, half spit out, finding himself overly irritated at Howie.

“Alright, sorry.”

Brian gave Nick a look as AJ caught his eye and just chuckled. “Nick must not be getting any lately. No wonder he’s cranky.”

Nick rather than laugh along, just rolled his eyes. He’d always had a case of diagnosed but unmedicated ADD, since he hated the effects of the pills. Over the years he learned tricks that would help him focus on whatever he was doing at that moment. But lately, he’d been having more problems focusing than he ever did before. When he was driving, he’d have to fight to pay attention or he’d end up on a random street with not a clue of how he got there. He’d space out during rehearsals when it was his turn to sing. And now, when they were trying to get down the choreography and block out on the stage which Boy went where, he found himself staring off into space and annoying the others, and himself.

He started wondering if maybe he’d been overdoing the drinking, if Brian was right. Or that the fact he’d only been getting five hours of sleep a night if he was lucky, was beginning to catch up with him. Maybe it was a combination of all of them. Maybe he was catching the flu again; he of all people knew how weak his immune system was to that, as he was always getting sick with one thing or another. The timing was bad as they had a promotional appearance on the Today show within days.

A tap on the shoulder caused him to jump and turn to see the culprit, Brian.

‘I must’ve spaced out again. Shit.’

“Jumpy?”

Nick forced a grin. “Just imitating how you gotta leap to reach stuff.”

“You look tired.”

“I’m good… can’t we just rehearse?”

“You’ve come back down from Planet Nick right?” Howie remarked, the corners of his mouth twitching in amusement.

“I’ll have you know it’s called Nickopolis thank you very much.”

AJ snickered as he stretched a bit. “Otherwise known as the insane asylum.”

“Alright guys, let’s focus.”

Brian saluted Howie. “Yes sir Daddy Howie!”

“Remind me to tell Kevin thanks soooooo much for calling you to join.”

The music began to play as once more Nick forced himself back to attention. He followed the others in synch with the music and steps that their once again choreographer Fatima, had designed for them. Nick felt himself smile, he loved dancing these days. At one point, he used to hate it, having been slower to catch on to it than the others. But as time progressed, dancing had become natural and fun to do once more. Yet as he continued, he found himself fighting harder and harder to get the steps right. Eventually he tripped over his own feet, almost knocking AJ over from behind and missed by mere inches.

‘Thank God AJ tunes out the whole damn world when he gets into his dancing zone.’

The Boys danced effortlessly, making sure they didn’t bump into each other. Nick stood there, feeling stupid for having not a clue of what steps came next. Brian was the one who noticed Nick’s lack of dancing first. The look of concern on the southern man’s face was plain as day to see as his forehead crinkled. “What’s up?”

“I’m out, I’m done for today.” Nick retorted, furious at himself. How could he forget the steps? They had a performance coming in mere days. “You guys keep going, I need a break.”

For the first time in almost a decade, Nick felt the sudden craving for a smoke. He wondered if he could raid AJ’s stash. He shook the thought aside, part of the reason he’d quit was to get his voice back into shape. Now that it was and had been for years, he didn’t need to screw that up again. He walked outside of the dance studio they’d rented out, kicking the wall as he walked down the alleyway behind the building. Finally he stopped, slumping down to the ground with a sigh.

This time, instead of Brian checking on him, it’d been AJ. Nick would’ve bet five hundred dollars then and there that it’d been Brian who sent him out however. AJ squatted down beside him, lighting up a cigarette casually as he did. Nick watched the sun set, the sky becoming a mixed hue of blues, reds and pinks. It almost gave him the urge to draw. For now, it gave him something to focus on as AJ interrogated him.

“So what’s your deal?”

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve been more moody than Rochelle when she was acting bi-polar and on her damn period. What crawled up your ass and started camping up there?”

“Nothing.”

“Dude, you know you’re gonna tell us eventually. So just talk and then Brian and Howie will chill.”

“Howie’s worried too?”

“Of course, you know how he is. He becomes that Puerto Rican Jumping Bean when he gets annoyed, but that’s cause you’re worrying us man. You come in looking half dead; you end up leaving angry…”

Nick ran a hand through his hair, trying to stifle a yawn yet failing. “I must just be tired. I haven’t been sleeping well…maybe its insomnia or some shit like that.”

“Maybe you should…”

“I ain’t going to therapy again. That’s a load of crap and was the last time I tried it. I’ll pick up some sleeping pills and see if that helps.”

“Come on then, we’re used to you stumbling around over those long ass limbs of yours.”

The two stood, and Nick followed AJ inside. He swore to himself then and there that he’d cut down on the partying a bit so he could get himself back together. Maybe then he wouldn’t feel like he was falling apart.

*****

The sun was shining, clear blue skies, not too hot just yet; all in all it was a beautiful day in New York City. It was June 1st, 2015 and the Backstreet Boys were there for the Early Show’s Summer Concert Series. Nick sighed happily to himself, the crowd screaming their names as they walked up upon the stage. This was what felt natural. Despite everything else that his life could screw up, performing was not one of those things. The stage was where he belonged, where he thrived, and where he was happy. Nothing could go wrong here; this was him, simple as that.

He shot Brian a grin as the music began to play. As the track picked up, they began to dance and sing their song for all to see, doing what they loved. Nick felt himself thrive on the energy, the crowd and was actually able to focus on keeping himself in step. Brian stepped forward as he, AJ, and Howie danced behind him, singing his lead.

“As the world turns its back on me
And I lose all self control…
I see the darkness head my way
Only you can save my soul…”

The four all danced together again as they came upon the chorus.

“So I’m calling out to you…
You can save me as I fall
Now I stand here, hear my call
I’m calling out to you
I’m calling out to you
I’m calling out to you…”

Nick stepped forward, with AJ, Howie and Brian still dancing behind him. They’d long ago gone back to their old methods of performing, and decided whoever was leading should play and sing to the crowd while the others danced, preserving the quality of the vocals. The media still managed to mock them for dancing and singing like any old Boyband from the 90’s would, but they’d long ago stopped caring. Nick bent down, giving the smirk he’d become famous for. He opened his mouth to sing.

“As I…”

And then it happened. In one simple, horrifying moment, it happened. His mind had gone blank. He opened his mouth to sing the lyrics again, nothing came. Not from his mind, not from his mouth. Absolutely nothing. His mind was racing.

‘Please God; let me remember just what the hell I’m supposed to sing! Why can’t I remember? I never forget! What do I do? Oh fucking hell, what the HELL do I do now? Come on Nick, THINK!’

Despite his mental pleas, there came no sudden miracle revelation to save him. He was clueless at what his lyrics were. He’d been singing this song everyday to remember and now it did him no good at all. He felt like an amateur. For the first time in Nick’s life, he had no idea what to do with himself on stage. He had no lyrics to sing, he was on national television, live on stage surrounded by hundreds of fans.

And he had no idea what he should be singing.

He turned as Brian caught his look of horror and fear. AJ and Howie looked confused as Howie motioned for Nick to get started while the band behind them played, bewildered as well. Brian ran forward to where Nick was, throwing his arm around him, singing the lyrics that were supposed to have been Nick’s.

“As I watch myself crumble down
I see your face, I need you near
For I’m abandoned by the world
So please come save me from it all
Please come saaaaaave me…”

Nick got back in step for the chorus, acting as if what he did was simply part of the show. He wasn’t sure if they bought it, but there was no other option either way. As soon as the performance ended, Nick forced his final smile for the cameras. They were done for the day. He ripped off his ear piece and audio equipment that was strapped to him and set it on a random table. He thanked his lucky stars they’d only agreed to an already taped interview and one song performance. He bolted off the stage. He felt bad that he was ignoring the fans, but he doubted they were happy with his blunder on stage anyway. His massive screw up. Nick still couldn’t believe he’d done that; he never did anything like that before. The stage was supposed to be his safe haven. It was supposed to be the one place where everything was right.

Instead it betrayed him.

“Nick!” Brian called as they followed him through the building.

“Leave me alone Brian! And before you two say anything that goes for you guys too AJ and D!”

“Nick, just stop!”

“Nick, chill out and come back here.”

“I said leave me the hell alone!” His fast pace was slowly turning into a run. Nick just felt the need to get away, escape and forget this day ever happened. There was only one problem to that. He had no idea which way to go to get to the vans waiting behind the building. He mumbled a string of curses as he stopped and turned around. If he gave the guys some excuse, he could simply follow them out. They wouldn’t need to know he’d spaced yet again and forgot just how the hell to get out of there. He needed to find some way to start focusing so these things wouldn’t happen.

‘God damn ADD.’

“Fine, I stopped. What?” Nick blurted as they all came to a stop in front of him, his eyes narrowed.

“Look, we were making sure you were okay Frackolas.”

“What happened up there?” Howie questioned, looking not angry, just anxious. As far as Nick was concerned, he could just join the club on that feeling.

“Dude…”

“Look…” His mind scrambled for a lie. He didn’t need the others on his back right then. “I went to the doctors the other day, about my lack of sleep and shit ya know? He’s got me on ADD medicine again, thinks that’s why. I took it before we got here and I think it made me blank out.” Nick simply hoped that sounded legit. It was one of the boldest lies he’d ever told to the fellas since his drug dabbling phase, but he needed them to believe this. He only wished he could believe this.

Howie nodded. “That makes sense, I guess....”

“I’m sorry I screwed it up so bad…”

“Oh, it’s okay man. Sometimes that happens to the best.” That was a lie, but it was a kind lie, so Nick appreciated it.

AJ smirked. “Tell the doc he needs to give you something else.”

Nick forced a laugh. He knew he had to act cordial despite his anger, humiliation, and frustration for this lie to work. “Yeah seriously, I will. That had to have been one of the worst moments of my life. I ain’t having that happen again. Thanks for bailing me out Bri. “

Brian simply gave a slight nod in response. Nick knew then that Brian hadn’t believed a word that he just said. He also knew however that Brian couldn’t prove he was lying, so that was why he was saying nothing. Nick sighed as he followed the others through the building. He tried to recall his verse once more. What scared him was that even after hearing Brian sing it, nothing came to him. He knew the title yet nothing else despite rehearsing the song every which way more times than he could count. Just a blank space within his head where the song should be.

His heart continued to pound at what his doctor would consider an unhealthy rate. It wasn’t drugs or alcohol causing this, like in the past. No, this time it was pure unadulterated fear. Despite all the excuses, Nick couldn’t explain this one away like he had been everything else lately. This time he was forced to see the truth, and it frightened him beyond belief.

Something was definitely wrong.

Chapter Four

His hands were shaking.

Nick never liked doctors, and the fact he’d been forced to see more after his brush with heart problems years before just made it worse. The fact he hated them so much caused him to put it off for over a week since the Early Show performance. He’d known he couldn’t put it off forever, that something was in fact wrong. Still, he’d tried to ignore it.

Finding his wallet in the dishwasher however, unnerved him a bit.

Maybe he was overreacting; maybe it was just drunken stupidity and a lack of sleep causing all this. In fact, Nick was hoping it was. Still, he knew he had to get himself checked out. If nothing else, his heart scare back in 2008 had taught him that. So as he took a long sip of coffee in the kitchen, he tried to steady his hands, calm himself, and keep the coffee from spilling on the floor. He’d avoided the Boys outside of promotional performances, happy to be in LA for once. It was easier to keep away from them here. He needed to keep this on the down low, and he knew the perfect place to go.

He glanced at the clock on the wall; it was 10:15 in the morning. His appointment was closer to noon. The office he was planning to go to was downtown, hidden away as a private practice. It appealed because it was a decent sized practice and had all the facilities, but overall went unnoticed. It was the same place he’d gone when he was feeling chest pains. He just hoped he could sneak in again without being caught by any form of the media.

He set down his empty coffee mug in the sink, sighing. He grabbed his keys and debated on grabbing a coat. Deciding it was getting too warm for it, he walked out and down to this car. As he got in and began to drive out of his condominium complex, a feeling of trepidation filled him.

Nick knew that somehow, whatever happened today, he wasn’t going to like it.

****

His feet were tapping.

He never had the ability to keep himself still, however nerves always made that problem ten times worse. He couldn’t stop moving as he sat in the waiting room, waiting endlessly for his name to be called. Nick kept his shades on, the Celtics cap he wore tucked low upon his brow. As long as no one recognized him, he’d be okay. As long as the doctor told him he’d just been overreacting, he’d be alright. His nerves until then were shot and would remain as such.

He wondered if he should’ve told Brian.

‘No’ He decided firmly. ‘Brian’s bad enough as it is, and this will just make that worse, even if it is just nothing. Which it will be. It will be.’

But if it wasn’t?

“Mr. Carter?” A young nurse stepped out to greet him. She had strawberry blonde hair, green eyes, and an impish smile meant to comfort him as they walked down the hall. If this had been any other situation, Nick would’ve been flirting within moments. As it was, random pick up lines were floating through his head that his brain fought to ignore.

‘Focus…don’t worry, you can hit on her on your way out of here and you know you just overreacted. Note to self: Thank Kevin for raising me to get paranoid.’

The thought of Kevin made Nick suddenly want to call him as he walked into the examination room. The man had always been more like his father in terms of who taught him the good lessons life had to offer. When his parents neglected him to try and sell his siblings to the spotlight as well, Kevin had stepped in, taking Nick under his wing. Nick knew he hadn’t come out perfect, but he also knew he’d be a lot worse off if it hadn’t been for “big brother”. Kevin was currently doing a stint in “Rent” on Broadway at the moment. Right then, he missed him terribly.

He sat on the table, as the nurse shot him another pretty smile. “Dr. Hansen will be with you shortly, he’s just finishing up with another patient.” Nick contently watched her firm butt shimmy as she walked smoothly out the door. He glanced at his watch, almost one.

‘What’s the point of appointments if they never see you on time anyway?’

The moment he thought that, Dr. Hansen walked through the door, he looked older than the last time Nick had visited him for his yearly checkups with his heart. The forty-eight year old doctor stood before him with a full head of graying hair, bright blue eyes, and just the hint of what could be mistaken as a beer belly.

“You look troubled Nick; the last time we met you were in good shape. What seems to be the problem?”

Nick breathed slowly in an attempt to relax himself. A nervous hand ran through his spiky blonde hair. His eyes darted around a bit, trying not to look at Dr. Hansen. “I’m not sure where to start on it. I think I’m overreacting…”

“But you’ve learned to be cautious, that’s a good thing.”

He nodded. “Things have just…been weird lately. I’m starting to black out things. I…maybe it’s the fact I’m drinking again too much.” Nick ignored the reproachful look from the doctor and continued. “But then it would happen when I didn’t drink. Last week I blanked out a song I’ve been singing up and down for the past month, I still can’t remember the lyrics that well even with trying to memorize them again.”

He saw the frown on the doctor’s face, and wondered if he’d been right to come after all. “Anything else that strikes you as odd?”

“…this is gonna sound stupid.”

“Nothing sounds stupid when it comes to your health Nick.”

“I’m finding shit in weird places. Like, there was a time my watch was in the fridge, another where my wallet was in the freaking dishwasher, and today my shoes were in my damn dresser. I have no idea how the hell they got there.”

“And you remember nothing about doing those things.”

“Not a damn clue.”

“Has your doctor in Nashville put you on any new medications? Any new medical problems I don’t know about? I’m having him fax your file to me as well.”

“Nothing, he said the same thing you did before I moved back there, that I was in good shape.”

“No drug use anymore, just alcohol?”

“That’s it.”

After jotting down a couple notes on his clipboard, Dr. Hansen looked at Nick. “Alright, here’s what we’ll do. I want to run a couple tests, urine sample, a blood test, and see if anything comes up. Then we’ll go from there, alright?”

“Okay.”

****

It’d been two days before Nick was called to come back into the doctor’s office. His heart pounded fiercely against his chest. If the results had been simple, they’d have just told him over the phone wouldn’t they? But instead, they’d called him in. His feet felt like blocks of lead as he walked down the hall behind the cute nurse once more. This time, no pickup lines came to mind, no flirting tips, nothing but a subtle appreciation of how attractive she was. That was how on edge Nick Carter was as he walked in and sat once again on the examination table.

He’d been forced to flake out on a meeting for this. They were supposed to decide on the track-listing for the new album, which finally had a name. “Phoenix”, it was simply a testament how they’d risen out of the ashes of their career with their previous album, “Freedom”. These meetings were fun these days, where the group had control of what made the album and what didn’t, rather than management or the record label. So instead of the meeting, the Boys were doing their solo photo shoots today for the album booklet. Nick was to do his tomorrow, along with the group ones.

For a moment, he wondered why he was thinking of this. It seemed random. Then he realized why. It was because all he wanted at this very moment was to be at that meeting with them. If he was, it would mean there were no problems, no new worries. It would mean that by the standards of “The Life of Nickolas Gene Carter” handbook, his life would be boring for the moment.

“Nick?”

“Nick”

A pair of fingers snapped in front of his eyes, bringing him out of his daze.

‘I’m losing it, how long was I spacing out?’

“Twenty minutes.”

Nick blinked; he hadn’t realized he said that out loud. He refocused back upon Dr. Hansen, who stood in front of him. His face was more guarded than usual, sending a red flag to Nick that he didn’t want to see.

“So what is it?”

“Well that’s the thing, your urine sample and blood tests came up normal.”

He felt himself grin, the pressure lifting, but only slightly. They wouldn’t just call him in to tell him he’s fine and dandy and he knew it. There was a catch to this somewhere. “That’s good then right?”

“So far, but I need to rule everything out. What I want to do is put you through an MRI and possibly a CT scan.”

“Okay…why?”

“I want to rule out possibilities like tumors causing your blackouts. They’re harmless exams and are rather short really. After you’re done with those, I’m going to have Nurse Maebelle ask you some questions in here to help me narrow this down. It may be nothing; I just need to make sure it’s nothing before I tell you that.”

“Sounds alright.”

Dr. Hansen reached into a cabinet, pulling out a standardized hospital gown. “I’ll just need you to take off everything but your undergarments and put this on.” He handed it to Nick, who took it and walked out and down the hall to the bathroom. He began humming almost silently to himself. Music always helped in keeping him calm, no matter what the song. It was one of his own actually, well the group’s. As he walked into the restroom and locked himself in a stall, he quietly sang his favorite song the Backstreet Boys had ever done.

“What about your…your ten…thousand promises…that yooou gave to me…”

He sighed as he changed into the gown, remembering then that they had no back to him, and as always, Nick had gone commando. He chuckled at himself. “Maybe that nurse will like it and I’ll get a date out of this nightmare.”

Nick stepped out of the stall, staring once more into the mirror as he set his clothing upon the counter. His eyes were drawn, bags rested under his eyes. His skin was pale, despite the tan he had. Beads of sweat gathered upon his brow even though the air conditioning made goose bumps rise along his arms. His phone rang as he walked down the hall, the breeze tickling his bare bottom as he did. He ignored it, knowing it had to be one of the fellas; he’d call them back later. Dr. Hansen was waiting for him outside the door along with the cute nurse who apparently was named Maebelle.

“Excellent, just hand your personal items to Maebelle here and follow me.” Nick obliged, following him while Maebelle went back into the examination room. He was led to a room with a large tube like machine, with a long tablet sticking out of it. Nick shivered a bit. He was going in to that thing to have his head scanned?

“Now Nick, I just need you to lay down here for me.” He motioned to the tablet. “And try to relax. Are you claustrophobic?”

‘I may be after this bullshit’

“Nope.”

“Okay, just lie down then, and let our technician do his job.”

He lay down, trying to get comfortable in one of the most frightening, awkward, oddest moment of his life. Which, given his life events, said a lot about this situation. They placed headphones upon his ears, waited a few moments as they prepared the machine. Nick closed his eyes as the tablet moved into the tube, feeling suddenly like an alien about to be autopsied. Although the process took mere minutes, it felt like a lifetime to Nick. Once the tablet came back out, he was led to yet another room.

This machine looked similar to the MRI; however the tube was more like a small ring. As they set him up the same way, and he lay down once more, he felt less scared because of that. As the CT scanner did its job, Nick found himself praying, truly praying, for the first time in years.

‘Please, God, don’t let there be anything wrong with me. Please. I know I don’t appreciate anything in my life, but hell I do now. Please, please don’t let there be anything wrong with me.’

“Alright Nick, you’re done.”

Blinking with surprise, Nick climbed off, annoyed he’d spaced off again. He was suddenly struck by something Brian had said to him once. It was when he first started letting himself believe again in the idea God existed, only a few years before.

‘God won’t give me anything I can’t handle.’

It was then Nick hoped that God had no faith in his coping abilities.

****

Nick knew as soon as he got the phone call that it was news from the doctor only a day and a half later. Dread bubbled inside him. He only prayed that it was good news. He answered, taking a sip of the Dr. Pepper he had sitting next to him while he watched the basketball game as casually as possible.

“Hello?

“Nick, its Dr. Hansen, why don’t you come down? We have your test results and a diagnosis.”

Suddenly the soda he’d been drinking felt like a series of weights going down his throat as he swallowed. “Doc, if you know, just tell me straight up over the phone.”

“Are you sure you-“

Was he sure? He wasn’t, yet at the same time didn’t want to draw this out any longer. He wasn’t sure his heart would take it. “Just give it to me straight.”

“I think an appointment would be better, I don’t feel this is news that should be given over the phone.”

At that point, Nick would swear on his life that he heard his own heart pounding like an Indian war drum. It was almost like his body knew before he did that it was about to head into battle. “I need to know, I can’t take waiting for this.”

“If you’re sure.”

Nick swallowed hard, fighting to hold on to that last semblance of self control. “I’m sure, I’d rather know now.”

“Keep in mind, this is something that has no hundred percent diagnosis till post mortem examinations, more testing will be helpful in assuring there are no other causes. However, I wouldn’t diagnose this unless I was positive this was the cause.”

“Doc, I need you to tell me, now.”

“I think it might be what’s known as Early Onset Alzheimer’s disease. It’s extremely rare in someone your age, but it does occur. It’s a form of dementia that slowly impairs your functions of memory.”

His battle worn heart stopped then and there.

“No, I can’t have that, that’s an old man disease. My grandfather didn’t get that till he was in his eighties! I’m ONLY fucking thirty five! Shit, I ain’t even forty and you’re gonna tell me that I’m gonna go senile?!”

“There’s ways we can slow it down, now I know this news is hard to take-”

“Fuck you!” He slammed the phone down, breathing heavily as if he’d just run a marathon.

Nick simply sat there, trying to process what he’d just heard. Nick felt haunted. In God knew how many years, Nick wouldn’t have any idea who the fellas were, who his siblings were. Hell, he wouldn’t even know who he was. Nick knew what the disease was, what it did. He remembered when Ronald Regan had it. There was no cure. Angrily he launched his phone across the room, fighting the urge to cry. He wasn’t going to let those tears fall.

“WHY!? Why?! Why is it you have to fuck with my life God?! Don’t I get enough shit from you?!” He thrust a lamp off the end table, hearing it crash satisfactorily. What did it matter now? He’d replace it; spend what he could, because it wasn’t like he’d remember even having the money years from now.

Nick simply didn’t care. He threw the remote into the fifty inch flat screen, kicking it to make it fall over and taking joy in the noise that followed. He overturned his couch, screaming once again. He tore a pillow up, happy to hear the fabric tear while he threw the stuffing upon the floor. He made the end table fly over, the base of the phone shattering as it fell as well. The damage continued, his soul still raged against the injustice he felt about it all. He threw a vase his mother gave him, stared as it shattered and fell in fragments along the ground. That’s what he was going to be, shattered, fragmented, nothing like the original form.

Broken pieces that would do no one any good.

He stormed out the door with his keys, running as fast as he could out to his Lexus. Flooring the gas pedal, he drove with no clear destination in mind. He swerved around other cars; not paying attention or even caring that he’d almost caused several accidents. He simply sped up, almost hoping he’d crash and solve everything then and there. Nick drove on, no music playing, no clear coherent thoughts running through his mind. It was pure rage and fear, nothing more.

Finally he stopped, tires squealing in protest while the car spun slightly in its stop. He cut the engine, noticing he was on a random side road not too far from the beach. He climbed out, wishing then he had the courage to drive off a bridge or overdose on sleeping pills. It was all the same in the end wasn’t it? If he simply committed suicide, he’d save himself and everyone else a lot of trouble. His end would be glamorized rather than pathetic. He sat on the hood of his car, watching the beachgoers from the top of the hill where he parked.

Still, Nick knew, even then, that he couldn’t do it. He never possessed that kind of courage and never would.

Instead he’d be forced to watch himself fall apart, forget everything he knows, everything he was, unable to become anything more than a helpless being that had no point in living. Once again, he couldn’t understand why it had to be him. So many others did far worse than he ever did. Why was he being punished this way? Why did it always have to be him? For all intents and purposes, Nick knew his life was over.

As the night fell and stars were scattered across the dark velvet sky, that was when the tears finally began to fall.









****

So I am really really nervous about this chapter, where it all comes out as to what's wrong. I'd really love to know your thoughts on this! Hopefully it's coming across as well as it is in my head.

Thanks for reading!

~Rose

Chapter Five

When Nick awoke, he jerked around, confused at where he was. Bitterly, he realized that would one day become a common feeling for him. He screamed in frustration, climbing out of the car he knew he slept in the night before. It hadn’t been for long, as the sun was only beginning to rise, casting a serene view over the ocean waters that he loved so much. He wondered how long he’d remember how much he loved it. Or how long till he forgot how to surf? When would it turn from random small things like misplacing items, to his entire life?

When he was on break, this was his favorite time of day. Early, early morning was the best time to surf. The fact no one really noticed him at that time of day was also a random bonus he always enjoyed. Now it was the first day towards the end of his life. A life he worked so hard for, a life where he wanted to make his mark before he left it. For most, what he had done thus far would be a satisfactory legacy. For Nick, it wasn’t enough. He wanted to reach more people as a musician, in the group and solo. He wanted to change it, change music in a more dramatic way.

He wanted to be remembered.

Now he’d be remembered, but nothing like he wanted. He’d be remembered for the nearly mindless Nick he’d become before he died, rather than what he did during his life. His mind flashed through his life thus far. His chaotic childhood, to his even crazier teenage years when fame had hit. Adulthood, where he’d lost himself for about a decade. He’d thought he had plenty of time to settle down, despite how he wanted to give up that dream. But now, he would never be given the chance it seemed.

He screamed, slamming his car door shut. A jogger gave him an odd look as he passed. Nick simply flipped him off. What did anything matter? Why care what anybody thought of him anymore? Once he used to care so much, tried so hard to be what the media wanted of him. All for naught, really. He glanced at his car; the sea green paint of the Lexus shimmered in the rising sun. He caught sight of his reflection in the car window and stared at it. Nick’s eyes were bloodshot, and puffy from the tears that came the night before, his hair was sticking out all over. His face was tired and seemed to have aged five years in less than twenty-four hours.

His reflection. One day, it would mean nothing.

He kicked the car, unable to release the storm that raged inside him.

“I don’t give a damn about you anymore! You’re just a fuckup! That’s all you’ll ever fucking be! A fuckup!” Nick cried, and in blind fury his fist flew at the window.

The window that was supposed to be shatterproof gave way in a piercing crack, his punch going through it. Several shards fell upon the ground around him. Most of the glass stayed in place, spider web lines sparkled in the sunlight as his arm throbbed with sudden agony. His arm was now stuck in the window. Crimson splashes could be seen along his arm, the window, and rained upon the cream colored seat in steady drops. He tried to move his arm, and found the pain to increase when he did.

‘Maybe I should just try pulling it out.’ As soon as the thought appeared, so did the fear of doing more damage to his sliced up arm, with pieces of glass around it stabbing still. He was furious at himself, at his stupidity, at his innate ability to take any situation and make it worse by any means possible. His foot slammed into his car door, this time causing the alarm to go off. Why it went off when it wasn’t set, and why it didn’t go off when he broke the window, he had no idea. But it fit with the mess he was forced to call his life.

His cell phone rang as the tears fell again, not from the pain, simply frustration. “What?!” He demanded the moment he answered.

“Whoa…Nick where are you? What’s going on, why’s a car alarm going off? I’ve been trying to reach you all night.”

The rescheduled meeting. It was supposed to have been last night, after the basketball game so that Brian and Nick could watch it. Nick however, had gotten the call and forgot about it. He hadn’t even bothered to check if anyone was calling him last night. He wondered how many missed calls he had. Who had actually cared that he’d vanished for the night. He thought about the album, how he’d been so proud of what they’d come up with. Now, he felt nothing for it. Nothing for the effort put into the music, nothing for the release that was looming away set to come out in mid August.

‘Shit. Heh. Like it matters.’ Yet he knew it did. It was just in the current situation, it all felt so trivial. He expected everyone to see that, even though no one knew but him why it was so trivial all of a sudden.

“I’m at this random fucking road…” He looked for the street sign. “Oh, 15th street…” He glanced around for some way to see what beach he was at, and found one at the nearby beach shop. “I’m at Hermosa Beach. Don’t worry, after I fucking hang up with you I’m going to a damn hospital.”

“What? Why? What’s wrong?!”

‘Million dollar question Bri. And a hella fucking loaded one too.’

“Oh I don’t know, I fucking punched my hand through my fucking car window, and now my ass is gonna have to go down before I fucking bleed to death!” He hung up, ready to throw his cell out into the road. His hand froze midway.

“Right, can’t.” He sighed. “Gotta be calling an ambulance…” He punched in the numbers with his free left hand. Of course he was right handed, making the entire affair that much more awkward.

“911 Emergency.”

“I need an ambulance, I…” Nick suddenly felt even stupider than before. The situation sounded even worse when one said it aloud. He felt stupid, idiotic, and incredibly worthless.

‘I’m always gonna be too. It’s never gonna stop, just get worse.’

“Yes sir?”

“I punched my car window and now my arm’s stuck in it…bleeding like hell.” Before she could comment, Nick interjected. “I’m at 15th street, by Hermosa Beach.”

“We’ll send someone out.”

He hung up, kicking the car again. Thankfully that second kick forced his car alarm off. Nick wondered how long the alarm had been acting up, and was simply glad for the moment that it shut down no matter what caused it. He’d have done a happy dance, if only he wasn’t still trapped in that car window possibly bleeding to death. “Fuck yeah! Thank you!”

It was the only thing that would go right that day.

****

After a lot of laughter, stitches, and a brand new lime green cast on his right arm Nick found himself sitting before the doctor, waiting for the pain medication prescription and an allowance to go home. The EMTs that had taken care of Nick, had found it funny he’d managed to get his arm stuck. Everyone seemed to have found it funny, which only fueled his own anger at anyone within the medical field. They’d been forced to break the rest of the window down, to avoid tearing up Nick’s arm even further. Now, feeling tired, sore, and irritated, he was waiting before someone other than Dr. Hansen, who had been out the day. This was someone new. It was someone who hadn’t diagnosed Nick, so therefore Nick didn’t have the immediate urge to blindside him upside the head with his cast.

Yet.

“Lucky for you, you managed to avoid any major nerves; your hand should be able to function properly once it heals. However, you did tear it up pretty bad, so expect scarring after we take the stitches out. You even managed a hairline fracture.”

Nick blinked, how hard had he punched that window? “I’m talented that way.”

“It says in your file you were just diagnosed with Early Onset Alzheimer’s Disease.”

“What of it?”

“Mr. Carter, were you feeling suicidal when you punched your car window?”

Nick felt his cheeks flush, not of embarrassment, just of anger.”No!”

“Did you feel suicidal at all last night? There were obviously signs of uncontrollable rage, was it because of your diagnosis?”

Although a lie was at the tip of his tongue, Nick felt himself hesitate. His tongue ran across his lips idly, momentarily lost in thought. “…yeah I was mad about it.” He was content with excluding the mental debate he’d had about suicide. He knew he’d never be able to actually go through with it anyway.

The doctor nodded, jotting something down. They were always writing things down; Nick noticed when it came to him. “Signs of depression usually appear with Alzheimer patients. Dr. Hansen already noted your reaction; you spoke with the psychiatrist on hand as you were treated as well. We feel that you should go into therapy to help you cope. It’s pretty standard with Alzheimer patients, especially ones younger than sixty-five.”

“What!? I don’t need therapy…”

“Mr. Carter, you’re showing suicidal tendencies as a result of life altering news. You’re also acting impulsively with rage in a dangerous manner. This is simply to help you cope. A couple sessions, if the psychologist doesn’t feel you need it, just quit. If it goes nowhere, put an end to the sessions yourself. We simply want you to try it out.”

“I have to do this don’t I?”

“You don’t have to do anything yet. But if more incidents occur, we would attempt to involve your family so that we may look out for your best interests.”

“Can I just get my fucking prescription and go?” Nick asked pointedly, heated at the veiled threat. He snatched the prescription from the doctor, and stormed out. He rapidly made his way down the hall, only to be greeted by Brian in the main lobby, walking through the doors.

“Nick, what were you thinking?” Brian questioned as he pulled the taller man in for a hug.

Nick opened his mouth; he instinctively wanted to tell Brian everything. It’d always been that way, even back when Nick was twelve, scrawny, and shorter than the seventeen year old Brian. There had always been this welcoming aura around him, able to comfort Nick and feel like he could tell his best friend anything. And it had proven true. He hugged Brian back, deciding then and there not to tell him. For the moment, Nick was going to handle everything. They didn’t have to know. No one had to know. The time would come of course, where Nick would be forced to tell them everything. He knew that, accepted it even.

But not then.

Not when he could barely handle it himself.

“Nick?”

“Nothing Brian!” He pulled away. “I was just mad and the window was just there.”

Worry lined Brian’s face; the blue eyes that usually sparkled with a carefree light had darkened with concern. Brian was the one Nick knew he’d have to work the hardest at hiding it from. “What aren’t you telling me?”

“Nothing! Geeze, is that why you came?”

“No, I came because I called a tow truck to take your car to the auto shop. You have no ride home. And I came to deliver you to the meeting.” He grinned. “Seems like we have to kidnap your crazy blonde butt to get it anywhere.” Brian grabbed Nick’s good hand and pulled him along.

“Don’t I get a choice in this?”

“When has the Backstreet Baby had a say?”

“Heh, good point.”

“Now come on.”

Chapter Six

“Well, well… it’s the elusive Mr. Carter.”

Nick stepped inside the psychologist’s office, grumbling to himself as he did. He’d cancelled three appointments over the last two weeks in an attempt to get out of it. After this he had to head back to Dr. Hansen, to talk about possible drug treatments to slow down his Alzheimer’s and give him more time. Apparently, he was “lucky” because it’d been caught early in the progression of the disease. Nick however didn’t feel lucky. He felt anything but. In fact, he felt cursed when it came down to it.

“I’m here, what of it?”

The therapist stretched a bit, giving a smirk rather than a smile. She wasn’t what Nick expected. Frankly he expected a man, for one. Instead he got a young female, around his own age with shoulder-length brown hair, soft brown eyes and a look of impishness that suggested a wry sense of humor. She was dressed casually, nothing more than a simple blouse and slacks, which despite himself made Nick feel more at ease.

“The fact you’re here helps. I don’t think I could try and help you if you can’t be bothered to even come in here. Don’t you agree?”

“I have a busy schedule.” He retorted, sitting in an easy chair before her.

“You’re a Backstreet Boy, I’d expect you to. Now, my name is Dr. Anne Julewis, and stop giving me that evil eye!” She teased. “You’re making me feel like I’m Satan, I’m simply here to help you Nick.”

“Help…heh, no one can help me. Didn’t you read my file? There’s no cure for what I’ve got. No way out, so why give a damn if I’m depressed. Or if I want to die. It’s all the same in the end ain’t it? Hell one day I won’t remember you, this session, nothing. It’s all fucking worthless.”

“It’s not, you don’t know how many years you have before it really starts taking affect. I’m told you’re in the very early stages. It could be one year, it could be ten. Who wants to waste ten years?” She asked, keeping her eyes upon him.

Nick crossed his arms, staring her down. “You’re not gonna break me, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“I don’t think I want to. Have you told anyone yet?”

“Told anyone what?”

“About your diagnosis.”

Nick rolled his eyes, glancing around the office. It was decorated simply enough, except for a shelf above her desk, which had the most random collection of items he’d seen. Many of the objects were zombie figurines though a cheap set of Noah’s Ark dolls, finger puppets, and a furry, happy looking Bigfoot doll were among the collection as well. “What’s with the zombie fetish?”

She shrugged, smiling. “I could give you some deep over the top psychological explanation about what zombies really mean, but it wouldn’t be honest. I just think they’re cool and like that they eat people’s brains.”

Nick nodded, suppressing a chuckle. He wasn’t going to let her win. His eyes caught sight of something upon the shelf that was beyond unique. It looked like a skunk…except that it had the face of Adolph Hitler instead. That was when he couldn’t keep in the laughter. His giggle was infectious, causing her to laugh as well as he pointed at it. “What…is…that?”

“Oh my Hitler Skunk, it was my Grandmother’s. They made a lot of stuff to mock him during World War Two.”

“Random.”

“That about sums me up actually. Now, back to what I asked you, have you told anyone?”

He shook his head. “No, I haven’t.”

“Why not? Doesn’t your family deserve to know?”

Nick snorted. His family. He loved them with all his heart, but if he wanted to be truly honest, the answer was no. His father forgot his family with Jane, content with the one he had with his wife Ginger, step-daughter Taelyn, and their son Kanden. A new family, with the old Carter family abandoned behind him. Nick didn’t even know them, and it hurt more than he’d ever admit.

Then there was Jane Carter. Nick didn’t even like thinking about how many times his mother had used him, taken advantage, or done things that had split the family apart. Years ago he’d given up on ever having a real relationship with her. It wasn’t possible with her inability to accept any responsibility for the past, and to keep repeating the same mistakes again and again.

His thoughts then traveled to his siblings. The ones he’d been raised with, meaning BJ, Leslie, Aaron and Angel, although he had a casual friendship with his older half sister Ginger. Their relationships were fragmented as well. The twins, the babies really, were now twenty-seven. Angel had ditched modeling, and eventually developed a career in fashion design without his help, yet the two were still the closest out of them all. Aaron, Aaron always hurt Nick to watch, as he was traveling down an almost identical path to what Nick had traveled during his twenties and was still chasing his lost music career. He only hoped Aaron would eventually find his way out, as he wouldn’t Nick help him. BJ had finally calmed down, now married and the two ran their own diner. Being away from the spotlight and Carters had in essence saved BJ, so she kept her distance from them all, including Nick. And then there was Leslie, who had moderate success as an underground music act in Canada, and severed contact with everyone in the family.

“No.” He finally answered. “They don’t deserve to know. Not my family.”

“Ouch.” Dr. Julewis chewed on her pen cap thoughtfully, before taking a short notation. “That’s pretty harsh; they’re still your family.”

Nick simply shrugged. “It is what it is right?”

“What about your band mates then?”

“They’re like my brothers. No, they are my brothers, they’re more my family than…” He trailed off, once again hurt by what was simply the truth. “…well, they’ve always been there for me.”

“So have you told them? They deserve to know right?”

Nick bit his lip with a glance out the window; the clear, crisp blue sky was beckoning to him. “They deserve to know…more than anyone I guess.”

“So you haven’t told them.”

“No.”

*****

“Uncle Niiiiiick!” Two little girls, their dark brown hair in pig tails came running out the door of AJ’s home and into Nick’s arms as he bent down and caught them awkwardly with his arm still in the cast. Their identical faces were alight with glee as he hugged them close. They looked like cherubs, one wearing a pink dress adorned with black skulls and the other wearing a black dress with pink skulls.

“Lily! Lenni!” Their full names were Lilith Jade and Lenore Jane McLean, but Nick had long ago shortened them to nicknames. Now, much to AJ’s irritation, the two didn’t answer to anything else as the nicknames caught on. He picked the three years olds up, pretending to almost drop them, causing the two to squeal.

“What’s on your arm?” Lenni asked, almost inaudibly, pointing at his right arm.

“That’s a cast, Uncle Nick has a huge booboo and that’s there to fix it. Before I leave, I’ll have to have you two sign it and make it pretty for me okay?”

“Okay!” The two chimed. Nick readjusted his weight as his damaged arm began to suffer a bit.

“You two are getting heavy. Where’s your dad?”

“With Uncle Bri an Uncle D!” Lily cried out. She was the more vocal of the two, while Lenni snuggled up against Nick’s chest as he strolled inside the house.

“Hey AJ I picked up something of yours.” Nick joked as he set the twins down, who ran into the living room to watch Sesame Street, which much to Nick’s own amazement was still going.

“You can keep them if you want. Little monsters.” He said, but with a proud look on his face as he watched his little girls sing along with Big Bird. Brian could be seen off to the side, watching with a yearning look in his eyes. Nick knew Brian had always wanted more kids, especially a little girl, but Leighanne hadn’t and now it was too late for it to happen. Howie was in the kitchen, doing the cooking, much to Nick’s delight. He loved AJ; however his cooking had almost killed him on various occasions.

As much as he wanted to die these days, that wasn’t the way he wanted to go.

They sat around AJ’s dining room table, which was the same relic he’d kept over the years from the filming of “The Haunted Mansion” despite all his random moves. AJ had never lost his love for Goth Couture and if anything, had refined his tastes for it. Howie came out, setting the homemade dips and chips down upon the table, portraying the look of the perfect housewife at that moment. The thought caused Nick to giggle to himself.

“Where’s James and Baylee?”

Brian fixed a plate for himself, not hesitating to chow down before AJ and Nick ate it all, as that was what usually happened. “Leighanne and Kristen took Baylee and Mason shopping together.” He made a face and Nick smirked, Brian always avoided clothes shopping for the kid.

“And James is at his soccer practice.” As un-athletic Howie always was at sports, it seemed James was the opposite even at the young age of six.

“I need to go to one his games again D.” Nick commented, for now he knew for sure he’d never know the joys of fatherhood the way the fellas did. His appetite left him immediately following that thought.

“I’ll email you his game schedule.”

“So, the tracklisting. Management wants it today, the album supposed to go into printing in two weeks and they want A&R to have a chance to look it over before it does.”

“Why?” Nick said between bites. He really needed to just have Howie cook for him all the time. “They end up sticking to what we pick anyways.”

Brian shrugged. “Being overcautious, at least it ain’t the bull…” he caught himself, eyeing the twin girls just on the other side of the room on the couch. “…dookey Jive put us through.” Brian had never been one for foul language, but when it came to their old label, he’d never been able to hold back.

“What about this one?”

“Definitely, I don’t care if it’s radio friendly or not, that song is kick a-butt.”

“This?”

“It can be a bonus song.”

Nick nodded in blind agreement as he tuned them out, drifting in thought. His mind went back to his therapy session earlier that day. She’d been right; he did need to tell the guys. But when? He knew, like he did two weeks before, that now wasn’t the time. He still hadn’t wrapped his own thoughts around it. He was still ready to get back at the world for everything. He didn’t care if that was healthy or not, not that he planned on telling the therapist that either way. He’d gone and had the meeting with Dr. Hansen before coming over, and they’d decided what drug treatment to try out first. The pills sat in his glove compartment haunting his mind. They were only supposed to put off the inevitable, not stop it from happening.

“So how’s this look to everyone?”

Nick snapped back to reality, staring at the list the guys had decided on. He was getting used to his space outs more and more. He knew he should care, but couldn’t muster the enthusiasm needed. “Looks good. Guys I’ll be right back, okay?”

Ignoring the looks he got, he headed out into AJ’s backyard. It was spacious, AJ had gone all out when he’d known Rochelle was expecting and the two had still been married. The house sat upon an acre of green, beautiful trees along the edges and there was a mini playground in the middle. At least he’d gotten to keep the house. The technical agreement about the girls had been split custody; however it had turned out to be more like full custody, as AJ had them most of the time.

His hands itched for a cigarette again. Funny how bad habits came crawling back when everything else had gone to hell as well. However he couldn’t do it. He would have to go stone cold sober on the alcohol once more as well, as it could speed up the process and couldn’t mix with his new prescription. Nick’s mind ran through everything, struggling to process everything life threw at him this go around. He wondered what he did in a past life to deserve an ending like this. The words from the day’s session came back to taunt him.

“It could be one year, it could be ten. Who wants to waste ten years?”

Dr. Hansen estimated anywhere from five to ten years before he fell full force into the next stage. Five years, maybe ten if he was lucky. That was when it really hit him. Realization had come head on to smack him in the face.

“I’ve got a few years, to fix everything. Do everything I want to do before it doesn’t matter. To…to say goodbye.” He murmured.

“Uncle Nick?” A small voice called. Nick turned to see Lenni there, her fingers in her mouth as she sucked on them shyly. Nick smiled as he walked over to her, picked her up again carefully, balancing her mostly on his uninjured arm.

“What’s up munchkin?” He asked, while tickling under her chin. She giggled happily.

“Daddy wants you.”

Nick smirked. “Your daddy always wants me.”

She suddenly hugged him tight, her head fitting sweetly against the crook of his neck. She placed a kiss there as well before pulling away and smiling at him again. He beamed down at her. “What was that for?”

“You’re sad.”

“Nah, just tired kid. Now let’s go see what your daddy wants of me.”

“Uncle Nick?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

He swallowed hard, wondering if she’d remember how he used to be, years from now. Will she forget this all because she’s too young? Would she only remember the Uncle Nick she’d see in some facility, helpless and confused?

Nick’s voice was husky as he replied. “I love you too.”

Chapter Seven

“And once again, that was, the Backstreet Boys!”

Nick turned off the TV in the hotel room. He always got amused by delayed television airings. They were back in NYC, doing some more promotion for the album. Even after all these years, seeing himself perform on TV always amazed him. He got up, stretching till he heard his back crack a bit. He glanced around for his wallet and groaned when it wasn’t where he thought he left it.

“God damn it…”

He hated this. He did. The doctor had warned him that he could travel, tour, do his career just fine for now. However, the unfamiliarity was going to likely throw him off a bit, and that he’d have to be patient with himself. He wondered if the drugs were even doing him any good. They had to be right? He hadn’t forgotten the songs recently, much to his great relief. He’d just been getting confused on where his things were, something Nick knew he had to get used to if he was going to pull this off.

He tossed off the blankets from the bed, stripping it down. No wallet. He checked his suitcases, throwing clothes around the room. They landed on lamps, the TV, the couch. A pair of underwear that Nick only wore during performances so he didn’t flash people on national television caught on the ceiling fan and swung around like a victorious army flag. Still no wallet. The room looked like a war zone, as if a clothes grenade had gone off and spared nothing.

“Oh fuck me sideways!”

“That’s a nice greeting.” Nick glanced over to the now open door. There stood Brian, chuckling to himself. In his hands, he held the wallet. “This what you’re looking for?”

Nick grinned, trying to look amused rather than irritated. “Where did you find that?”

Brian raised a brow. “In my sock.”

‘How the hell did it end up in his sock?’ Instead of giving a real answer, he simply laughed. “So my telepathy was off and it landed in your sock instead of mine.”

“Something’s off anyway.”

Nick simply responded by sticking his tongue out at him. It was simpler and easier than saying what was really going on. He had no idea how he was going to get Brian off his back, but he knew he needed to do a better job making everything seem normal.

“So where you off to?”

“See Kevin, we’re supposed to meet up after his show tonight.”

As Nick grabbed his wallet from Brian, he hugged him. Brian hugged him back just as tight, before pulling away and giving the younger man a long stare. He simply smiled casually, hoping to trick the hardest Backstreet Boy to fool besides Kevin. He figured it was something in those Littrell genes of theirs.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah, come on. Even you said yesterday I seemed to be back to my old self again man.”

It was true, as Nick fought to use more memory tricks and the drugs went through his system, it felt easier to keep everything under control. It was nothing close to what was once normal, but enough of a difference to keep everyone fooled for at least the moment. He finally had the dance steps down, he was using the GPS system regularly to keep himself from getting lost, and as for songs, he was listening to them and singing along twice as much as he used to so that he’d keep the lyrics in his head. It was the little signs that were still around, little signs however, he could tuck away easily.

“Alright…I just got a feeling something’s up. I’m here if you need to talk Nick, I mean it.”

It was statements like that, that tested him like nothing else. He felt like scum when he simply replied, “I know Brian, I know.”

****

He waited outside the theater, enjoying the anonymity the nighttime gave him. Nick gave an almost contented sigh as he took a long look around. Broadway was lit up, dazzling with Neon in a way no other place could. Nick loved New York City, not to move to, simply to visit. The night had cooled in an unseasonable manner, causing him to turn up the collar on his leather jacket to fight the chill and curious glances by those passing him by. He’d seen the show, where Kevin owned his role as Tom Collins in “Rent”. In truth, Nick was amazed every time he saw him act, at how natural Kevin was upon the stage. It was nothing like he’d done before theater, and that included the Backstreet Boys as much as that still stung. As the cast filtered out from the theater, he grinned when Kevin caught his eye.

At the age of forty three, Kevin still managed to fight age the same way Nick had. His raven locks were free of grey (though Nick credited that to hair dye), and unlike his cousin had a full head of hair still. There were more lines along his eyes, only furthering the look of depth and wisdom he always possessed. His infamous “bushy brows” were still there, always an amusement to Nick. He had an old comic book that he made once stashed at home in a trunk. It had been back during the Millennium days, only nineteen and Nick had an eerie knack for infuriating the oldest member. “The Tales of Caterpillar Man” had been one of his shining moments where Nick still swore he made Kevin burst a blood vessel the day he found it laying on Nick’s bunk in the tour bus.

The two embraced, Kevin still taller and Nick felt safe for the first time in weeks. There was just this aura around Kevin, his big brother and substitute father in every essence of the word. Despite how his anal retentiveness and overprotective side drove Nick’s ADD driven mind, and hyperactive personality crazy, Nick had always looked up to him. He’d always looked up to Kevin, wanted to be like him, especially when the group first started. That’s why he’d always tagged behind Kevin at the thirteen, having been his shadow. It had been the start of a love/hate relationship that both men adored but would never admit to it.

Kevin tousled Nick’s spiked up hair playfully as they walked along the sidewalk. “How are ya lil man?”

Nick chuckled. “Kev, I haven’t been little since puberty.”

“You are in my eyes, so how’s the album?”

“Done and in printing, enjoying your run? I personally love that you’re a gay anarchist, it’s very AJ.”

The older man laughed his arm swung around Nick’s shoulders, causing Nick to outright beam. “Everything is very AJ. Mason misses you, you know, he asks about Uncle Nick.”

Nick paused, forcing the moments ago natural smile to stay on his face. “Maybe I’ll do a Backstreet Baby day and just take all the kids out together. Cause everyone wants a piece of Uncle Nick, and can ya blame em?” He joked, in his attempt to sound as natural as possible.

“There are times I question my son’s sanity.”

“Nah, his taste is just loads better than yours. He got Kristen’s taste.”

The two continued to walk, laughing into a comfortable silence. Nick used to hate that with Kevin once. He’d never been able to understand how he could just hang out people, and not talk much. Now, years later, he understood. It was reaching that level of comfort and familiarity that you didn’t have to say anything; you just simply enjoyed the presence of that loved one being with you.

“So what’s wrong?” Kevin asked as the two kept up their pace, enjoying the peace at night that they never received during the day.

Nick jerked away, startled. “Wrong? Nothing, life is good.”

“Brian does fill me in you know.”

Nick mentally cursed out the Kentucky cousins. Couldn’t they simply communicate just a little less? Make Nick’s life a little bit easier. He wanted to kick himself for forgetting that, and he couldn’t even blame the Alzheimer’s for it. It occurred every time, just like clockwork. Something would be wrong, like he was sick, or bugging him, like his mother, so he would tell Brian. Or Brian would notice the little signs Nick couldn’t hide. Then, if Brian couldn’t do anything about it, he’d immediately tell Kevin, who’d take his own approach to fixing Nick. Kevin’s way almost always worked, because he was pretty hard to go up against. Resistance was futile.

‘Why do I always forget how Bri and Kev team up against me?’

“I’m okay, really.”

Kevin shrugged. “Alright.”

Nick stared at him. “Wait, what?”

“Nick you’re almost forty-“

“I’ve still got five years!”

“Point is, I can’t make you tell me what’s wrong anymore.” His hand rested on Nick’s shoulder, the intensity that emanated from his sharp green eyes made Nick want to squirm. The Kevin look, another tactic once commonly used in the battle to make him talk. It’d been awhile since Nick had been forced to face it.

“….There, there’s nothing wrong.”

“You’re sure, you should know by now I’m here for you for anything.”

Nick nodded, feeling more like dirt with every lie he told. “Of course I know…dude you’ve been there for me more than my so called ‘real’ family.”

“We are family, how are your siblings anyway?”

“About the same, Aaron’s still trying to destroy himself. BJ ignores me. Leslie pretends none of us exist…and Angel…” He smiled then, bearing the look of a proud father. “Angel’s doing great, her line is fantastic. She wants me to try and see one of her fashion shows before the tour.”

“Aaron will figure himself out, you did.” Kevin never asked about his parents anymore, it’d become a sore spot for the Kentuckian. He always got angry and defensive anytime he heard about how they didn’t appreciate Nick.

Nick sighed, throwing his hands up in the air helplessly. “I don’t know. He won’t let me help him. At least I had you, y’all, around me trying to keep me from getting myself killed. Aaron ain’t got that Kev. Hell I did and it took me forever to appreciate it…” He turned away, losing his grasp on the control he so desperately needed to have. “…and now I…”

“You what Nick?”

“Forget it, look I’m tired. I should just go back to the hotel.” His voice was shaking; he kept his back to Kevin. He couldn’t do this. Not to him. He couldn’t tell anyone either. He wanted to handle this alone, protect everyone from it as long as he could. But Nick knew if he didn’t get away from the one man who could read him better than anyone else alive, he’d soon crack.

“Just tell me.”

Tears ran down Nick’s face as he struggled to stay silent. He was so afraid, afraid of what was to come. Afraid of losing everything the way he knew he would. Afraid of letting anyone get close, knowing it’d only hurt them in the end. Distancing everyone, including the four men who’d long ago become his brothers had seemed to be the best option.

“You can’t tell anyone.” His voice was horse, broken as it trembled with emotion.

“Nick are you…”

“I mean it, not even Brian. Not Kristen either…no one. You can’t tell anyone!” He turned back to face Kevin, grabbing his arms fiercely.

“I won’t.”

“Swear to me Kevin. No one can know. Not yet. I…I didn’t even want to tell you, but…I can’t. I can’t fucking take this. I can’t handle this. I gotta tell someone. I…I’m not strong enough to keep it to myself…and you…you just gotta swear you won’t tell anyone. Not, not yet.” He was rambling and he knew it. Nick could feel himself falling apart, and he welcomed it. Somehow he knew he wouldn’t be able to let it happen again for a long time, and he needed to have it happen now. It felt freeing.

“I swear I won’t tell anyone till you’re ready. Now what’s going on? What’s got you like this? You’re scaring me Nick.”

The look on Kevin’s face was one of pure worry as his brows furrowed together. In other circumstances Nick would’ve laughed at the way they came together to look like the fuzzy worm he’d always joked they were. Now however, there was no humor left within him. He breathed deeply, trying to find a way to say the words he didn’t want to have come. Nick knew when he said it; it would be more real than it had ever been since the diagnosis.

“I went to the doctor’s over a month ago. Cause, things weren’t right…Brian was right in thinking things have been…been bad…”

“What did he say?”

“They say I have some early fucking form of Alzheimer’s Kevin! They say I’m gonna lose my mind, my memories, everything that makes me…me before I’m even fifty!” He yelled, ignoring the looks of the few people around them. Later he would be thankful no one recognized him that night. The tears continued to fall freely, rivers streaming along Nick’s cheeks. “…I’m gonna die Kevin. Maybe not fucking physically, but where it counts I am. And dammit I don’t know what to do. They give me around five years…and…I’m scared. I’m just fucking scared and I need to do so much before it happens…and I can’t tell anyone…”

Kevin’s eyes were watery now, as he too fought to keep control. Someone had to be the strong one, and that night it wasn’t going to be Nick. “Why can’t you tell anyone…?”

“Because, I…I want to give them good memories before I fuck that all up. I’m sorry I have to tell you and not give you the same. You deserve better…and I’m sorry that I was such a screw up Kev…sorry you had to babysit me all the damn time…sorry I treated you like shit sometimes…I’m sorry I…I’m just sorry!”

He pulled Nick into a hug. The two men held each other tightly, both afraid to let go. It was an embrace of protection. To keep each other safe from something neither could fight.

Chapter Eight

“When are you going to tell everyone?”

Nick sighed; they’d been out all night, simply talking. Both coming to grips with the reality placed before them. After Nick said it, they initially tried to avoid the topic once they both calmed down. But when early morning came to greet them, they came back full circle to the reason Nick had called Kevin for a one on one to begin with. Even though he hadn’t planned to tell him, some part of him had wanted to since he first received the news himself. And in all honestly, it’d been the release he’d so desperately needed. The therapist had been right, not that he’d ever admit that to her anytime soon, if ever.

“I don’t know…when I need help I guess. When I can’t function myself.” He shoved his hands idly in his pockets, glancing up at the pink tinged sky.

“Any idea when that’ll happen?”

“Five, ten years. If I’m hella lucky, maybe longer. “ Nick glanced away, biting his lip. “Right now it’s at little shit, forgetting lyrics sometimes, or where I put stuff.”

Kevin raised a brow. “You’re forgetting lyrics?”

“Only the new stuff, I have to work harder on getting it to stick. That’s what made me go to the doctor’s in the first place. Our…Early Show fiasco, I blanked on the lyrics.”

“I can see why that would scare you…” Kevin eyed him, taking in the cast he was forced to wear for another week or so. “What accident caused the arm?”

Nick smirked a bit, trying not to laugh. “I got mad and my car window walked into the line of fire.”

“Nick-”

“I was angry, really angry. Can you blame me? I’m just lucky it was a car that pissed me off, and not a person.”

Kevin simply nodded, his arm around Nick shoulders as they continued to walk. The sun was beginning to peek over the horizon, giving a golden rod along the New York City skyline. He glanced above at the fading stars, being reminded once more that that was exactly what he was. A fading star in the coming light. It was then he wished for what he knew had to be the millionth time, that it was Kevin who was his father. How different would his life had been if he was? Would he have wasted it the way he had otherwise?

“What are you thinking?”

Nick shrugged, not wanting to share his true thoughts. He always felt a bit self conscious when it came to telling Kevin the role he played in Nick’s life. It was an unspoken knowledge between the two, Kevin within the fatherly role, and with Nick wishing he was it in reality. “Just what I’m going to do. I know what I want to do, like…I want to leave a mark Kev, I just don’t know how.”

“Just try and make the best you can…with the other guys. It’s all you can do.” His voice trailed off, growing broken in tone.

“I know.”

“…You need to make peace with your family too. I know you don’t want to, and I know they don’t really deserve you, but I know you. You won’t be able to rest easy until you do.”

Nick kicked a pebble along the sidewalk, suddenly finding the ground far more interesting right then. He hated how the other man was always right. It seemed to be the rule of Backstreet: In terms of advice, Kevin was always right. “They don’t deserve to know, except maybe the twins. After everything, they should just find out when I’m too damn out of it to remember all the ways they abandoned me or fucked me over.”

“Maybe it’s time to settle it all. You know it is.”

A pause. “Why do you have to be right all the damn time?”

Kevin chuckled. “It’s a gift I’ve come to have over the years.”

Nick smiled a bit, feeling so at ease yet incredibly frustrated at the same time. His mind and body were a swirling tornado of mixed emotions. He wanted to rage. He wanted to cry. He wanted to laugh. He wanted to smile. He wanted to be himself and make it go away with a few jokes. He wanted to escape it all. Nick just wanted to be, but without all the complications it currently came with. “Why me? What did I do to deserve all this?”

Kevin swallowed hard, keeping his own emotions in check. “You didn’t do anything, it just happened. I can’t say anything to make it easier lil’ man. You don’t know how hard that is for me. It…it just happened. Only God knows why.”

“God hates me.”

“God doesn’t hate you Nick, He loves you.”

“Somehow, that doesn’t comfort me. “

Kevin finally stopped, grabbing Nick to do the same. Their eyes met. “Listen to me, I know this is hard. I know you’re scared. I am too, for you. I know how you are, and what you’re thinking. You’ve been blessed Nick, so much. God doesn’t hate you. I wish I had the answers to why this is happening to you. I wish I could take it away, solve it the way I did all your problems when you were fifteen and your biggest one was homesickness or a girl in your hotel room. I feel like I’m failing because something’s out to destroy you…and this time...” Kevin paused, regaining his composure. “…this time I can’t stop it.”

The two embraced for what Nick knew had to be the fiftieth time that night. Not that he minded. If anything, it soothed him. “You can’t fix everything.”

“And not everything is about trying to make you fail.”

Nick took a deep breath, trying to relax and failing. “Figures it would take this to make us learn those two things.” He joked weakly.

The two walked together once more, silence rising to greet them. Both were lost within pensive thoughts, trying so fiercely to come to grips that reality had to provide. Nick knew that Kevin was trying to be brave then, for his own sake. He appreciated it. In the end, it was so easy for Nick to break down now, to just let himself crumble. The stability Kevin so naturally provided was like a soothing drug for his pain. It was selfish, to want Kevin to push his own feelings aside because it made him feel better. Still, he couldn’t help himself.

“This is just so damn hard.”

“It’s never going to be easy anymore. I know accepting that won’t be easy, but you can fight it. Leave your mark behind, like you said you wanted to do. With the fellas, with music, with the world.”

“How? How can I make everyone remember me for something other than the way my brain’s gonna rot?” Nick demanded, a new burst of anger rising.

“Your solo album, you said you put it off for the new group album right? Go back to it. Make one last album with the guys too. Make that green foundation you’ve been wanting to do. Go out there, and do everything you wanted to do. No regrets. Even if there are…” Kevin smiled sadly, “You won’t remember them.”

Another round of silence as Nick was thrust back into his thoughts. All he’d been thinking about was how to say goodbye to the few he loved. Could he really find a way to say goodbye to the world as well? Could he really make this into something where he finally would leave his mark? He glanced up at ever rising sun. The hotel could be seen just a couple blocks away cast in a mix of shadows and light as the sky changed hues. “Kevin…”

“Yeah?”

“Why do you always have to make so much sense?”

The two simply laughed, and right then, it felt good to do so.

****

As Nick walked through the halls, he realized he really wasn’t tired. Insomnia was slipping in his life more and more. Whether or not that was just yet another problem to add to the list, or if he was just afraid to waste more time by sleeping, he wasn’t sure. So rather than head back to his hotel room, he decided to do something different.

The day itself was going to be a flashback to simpler days, and part of his plan to fool them all into thinking he was okay once more. He was going to take Kevin’s advice on how to keep the others from questioning him too much. To act as normal and carefree as he could. It would throw them all off their current track of concern, and maybe even fool Brian. He needed the escape that the fellas not knowing provided. It was distraction from reality, all of it. Distraction for him in that moment, and what he hoped to be memories that distracted them in the future from the helpless man Nick would one day become.

So, he decided to start with the easiest one to rile up.

Nick smirked as he stood over Howie, sleeping in his hotel room. It hadn’t taken much to get a key from the girl down stairs. All he had to do was turn on the Carter charm, give her a smirk and then a smile, and bam! He had a hotel key for Howie’s room. He debated how he wanted to wake him up, for Nick had a gift for pranking Howie in every way imaginable over the years. However, he wanted to bond with him that day, since they had it off. It was part of Nick’s plan to make up for all the stuff he’d put them through over the years.

In the end, he decided to go with the classics.

He leaned over Howie, who looked so peaceful in his rest. Nick knew, that really, Howie was just begging to be awoken deep down inside. He leaned over, got really close to his face…and licked it as slobbery as he could. Howie’s eyes shot open, and he reached for Nick angrily as he dodged out of the way.

“Damn dude you still taste like hot sauce!”

“NICKOLAS GENE CARTER!”

“Good morning Howie!” He grinned cheekily.

“You are a dead man walking!” Howie leapt off the bed, trying to grab Nick furiously.

“Shit!” Nick ran out of the room, with Howie in hot pursuit wearing only boxers.

“I’m gonna keeeeeeeeeeeel you!”

“Calm down! I just wanted to bond!”

“Oh we’re gonna bond alright! Get back here Carter!” Nick slammed the buttons on the elevator at the end of the hall. With a glance back, he saw Howie was getting too close so he dodged to the right. AJ stepped off the elevator when it opened, only to be shoved back into it by Howie as he passed. Nick was enjoying himself as he giggled running away from Howie. Telling Kevin, as painful as it’d been had taken a huge weight off his chest. It made him able to give the others the memories he wanted to before his mind went. It allowed him to let go and have fun. To give him the moments where he actually let himself forget about his crippling disease.

That was if Howie didn’t kill him first.

“Howie, now just calm down. Come on, people would kill to have me lick them!”

“Well now I’m gonna kill you for licking me awake. How’s that for fun irony!”

“Aren’t you supposed to be Sweet D?!” Nick cried as he made another random turn, heading for the stairs.

“Not around you!”

“Come on! It was funny!”

“It’s gonna be funny when I go Puerto Rican on your ass!”

Brian was humming as he walked down the halls, a breakfast tray in hand from downstairs. He looked to be in a better mood than the day before. Perhaps it was simply because he thought it was a nice day out. Maybe it was because he thought Kevin would straighten out whatever was wrong with Nick. Nick wouldn’t be able to find out actually, cause in his flee from Howie, he chanced a glance backwards to see the closeness of his pursuer. Because of this, he hadn’t seen Brian until he tripped. He flew forward, landing on Brian and causing the tray of food to fly through the air. Orange juice, cereal, and grapefruit rained upon them happily. Nick gave a cheesy grin at Brian as his face dripped with orange juice, his hair now matted against his forehead. Brian stared at Nick, bits of frosted flakes sprinkled along his thinning hair.

“Good morning Brian!”

Brian cracked up, pushing Nick off him playfully. “Do I want to know?”

“Um…I’m innocent. That’s all you need to know.” The two stood and Nick ducked behind the shorter man. His actions were playful as Howie headed their way.

“Why do I not believe that?”

“Oh come on Frick! I’m always innocent!” The two laughed as Nick put a slice of grapefruit on Brian’s head. “You look yummy by the way.”

“I’m magically delicious!” The two cracked themselves up even more. Even Howie, in his blind rage, was forced to stop and laugh when he caught sight of the two blondes.

Nick for the moment, felt completely content for the first since he’d been diagnosed.

Chapter Nine

He was surrounded; it felt like there was no escape. Nowhere to run. Nowhere to hide.

“Nick!”

“Nick!”

“Nick!”

“Nick!”

And he didn’t want one either.

The mob of screaming girls sent a traditional thrill down his spine as he signed autographs outside the venue. There was always that feeling of shock, that so many loved him for the music he helped create. Despite what so many thought, he never once, took that for granted. Especially now. It always amused him that a signature could make people so happy, and he never really got how that whole thing got started long before his time. Finally, security came, ushering him on towards the tour bus that was waiting for him. The others were already ready to leave.

“Sorry guys, we got a long drive tonight so Nick’s got get going.”

“NICK I LOVE YOU!”

Nick beamed, blowing the mass of primarily female fans kisses as he boarded the bus. “I love you guys too! Peace!”

Peeking out the window, he waved to his fans happily. As the bus began to move, he turned to his laptop, waiting faithfully upon the table in the kitchen. It’d been a couple months since his tearful confession to the man who was in essence his big brother, and all in all the fight to make everything still seem normal was going well.

However, since Leighanne and Baylee weren’t due to join the tour for another ten tour dates; Brian had been sharing a bus with Nick. It seemed he wasn’t ready to give up just yet. Rather than debate it, Nick simply let him. It seemed more normal if he didn’t fight it, or so went his line of logic. He couldn’t wait for Baylee and Leighanne to join them though. Not only would it get Brian to finally use his own bus, but then he’d be able to bond again with his favorite pseudo nephew. He hadn’t done it as recently as he’d have liked and wanted to hang out with him again. Hanging out with the kids, who saw so much more with Nick but said far less about it was a great way to help Nick feel like himself again. To make him feel less like damaged goods and more like a person.

Nick sighed, checking his email.

You Have 1 New Message

Clicking his way through, a smile appeared. It was from Kevin.


Little Man,

I thought I’d drop a line to see how you’re doing. I do keep up on the internet, and while you look happy, I know you well enough to know that may be a complete act for the fans. I won’t break my word and tell the fellas. But you do need to tell them. Brian’s less suspicious but he still hasn’t given up and keeps wondering why I did. Am I really that anal and stubborn? I’ll see if I can’t stop at one of the shows. Keep me up to date on how you’re doing. And make sure to let your family know soon. You can’t hide forever, and I bet you could use us. Don’t shut everyone out and only let me in cause I’m not with you everyday.

Worried as always,

Kev


“Whatcha up to Nick?” He quickly closed out the email, bringing up Google instead just for a cover. Brian was walking up to him as the bus moved further and further from the mass of still screaming fans.

“Not much, just bored, we’ve got an all night ride right?”

Brian nodded. “Yeah, down to Ohio. I mentioned it this morning.”

He shrugged. “After awhile it blends.” Nick grinned. “I brought my Wii 3.0 on the bus, wanna go play it? I’ve got the new Mario Kart…”

“No thanks. You’ve been acting weird.”

“I’m always weird.”

“Don’t you have that call in radio interview to do in an hour?”

“Shit, I forgot.” Get used to saying that Nick.

He nodded, going back to his bunk, his cell phone in hand. The distance between him and Brian was growing at a rapid pace. Guilt filled him, but it was for the greater good. He’d fix it, somehow. For now, he had to prepare lines for whatever questions the DJ had for him. Nick was never a fan of radio interviews, and liked call in ones even less. Especially lately. He ended up simply feeling like a liar more than ever. He surfed the net though his beloved Blackberry, newly upgraded just a few months before. Back when the shallow life was more appealing in comparison to now. He clicked back into Kevin’s email, feeling safer to do so now.


Bushy Brow Man,

Before you get mad at that, admit it, you always loved that nickname! I’ll tell them. There’s just things I gotta do first. I’ma try to record my solo album during the tour. I gotta recording session planned first day off we got. Tell Brian something, anything, to make him think I ain’t acting weird. If I say it, he’ll never go for it. I feel like shit lying but…fuck do I gotta choice? They can’t know yet. I’m aight…as aight as I can be with my brain rotting all to hell. I sound bitter…and I am.

Thanks Big Bro,

Your fave annoying blonde


He lay back, sending it away. The email didn’t say what it needed to. It didn’t show the fear that kept building each day. It showed that he was angry, but anger was safer. Anger was expected from him, he knew. Nick drummed his fingers along his bed, wondering how he’d ever tell anyone else. The Boys. His Family. The Fans. The World. It all seemed so dark, and frightening. Part of him wanted to play along with the idea that if he ignored it, it could go away. Turning over in his bunk, he reached under his bed, pulling out his prescription bottle.

He read the label he’s seen a thousand times: Exelon. It was supposed to be the most successful drug treatment to date, able to help delay the inevitable. It also gave Nick the urge to vomit for the first few weeks he started taking it, forcing him to fake a bout with the flu. Now he’d adjusted, no longer vomiting. Still, he didn’t feel as hungry anymore, and the weight was dropping as a result.

A smirk appeared as a thought flittered through his mind. Maybe I’ll have to fight to actually gain weight. Fuck you irony.

The phone rang, and he checked his watch. It was time to sell the lies he told. Taking a deep breath, he answered, readying himself to sound as upbeat as possible. It used to be something so easy for him. Not now.

“This is XL 106.7 and tonight we have Nick Carter on the line, of the Backstreet Boys!”

“Hi, yep this is Nick Carter…in the flesh…sort of. Can you be in the flesh on the line? Really though, it’s great to be on tonight, only wish I was there to do this in person.”

Nothing was easy for Nick anymore.

****

There, sometimes you gotta crawl
Before you start to walk…
I've been there, I've had my rainy days
You try to keep a smile, you go the extra mile
You run the race no matter where you plaaaaace
You know which way to go, so turn the page

Everybody falls, everybody cries
Everybody feels like a nobody sometimes
You get up again, and give it one more try
Everybody's got what it takes on the inside (on the insiiiiiiide!)
Story of your life...
Story of your life…
It's the story of my life

It's hard to be strong when right seems wrong
And nobody hears what you say
So don't be afraid, hold on to your faith,
I swear to you there will be better daaaaaaays….

Nick pulled off the headphones he wore, signaling the man at the boards to cut the track. He sighed, catching his breath. Frustrated, he ran a hand through his hair, almost wanting to tear it out. It was getting a bit long anyway, falling into his eyes and creating a golden curtain impeding his vision. The fans loved it that way, maybe he should keep it like that.

“Cut the track man.”

“Is there a problem Nick?” The producer, Mike, asked. He wasn’t one of the well known hit making producers, but Nick figured he would be soon. He’d stumbled him by accident, simply through his now ex-friend, Myron who was known to Nick’s more dedicated fans as “MBA”. The two had hooked up to work on Myron’s record as he wanted to break into rap. Nick had tried helping in the past, but it’d been simply the genre of music he had no influence in. Mike soon learned Myron wanted a way to steal the beats Nick had been creating on his computer but hadn’t actually used. Nick cut all ties with Myron, and formed a good bond with the talented producer.

“Yeah, can we try that bridge again? It didn’t feel right.”

“Sure.”

“Thanks for flying out here man, I mean it.”

“No problem, you’re paying my rent dude.” Mike joked. He wasn’t what one expected when people thought of pop producers. Black, thick eighties glasses sat upon his freckled nose. He had a head of sandy colored hair that went every which way, and brown, almost black eyes made to look bigger through the glasses. He wasn’t a tall man, shorter than Brian even at only five feet, two inches, and a wiry frame. It matched his random personality in the end. His clothes were patched pants, a ripped Led Zeppelin shirt, and a fedora. Nick always thought of him as an AJ and Brian hybrid.

“Aight…playback!”

The track started once more. It was once a song the group recorded, though discarded during their “Unbreakable” recordings. The others had written it, Brian, Howie and AJ. Nick, that day had been at the checkup he once thought would change his life in a way nothing else ever would, due to his cardiomyopathy diagnosis. How wrong that logic had been. He’d always loved the song, but had no reason to revisit it. Till now.

It's hard to be strong when right seems wrong
And nobody hears what you say
So don't be afraid, hold on to your faith,
I swear to you there will be better daaaaaaays….
I swear to you…I sweaaaaaaa-aiiiiiiiiiiiirrrr!

“No…no…no, cut it Mike!”

“What’s wrong?”

What isn’t? “I ain’t sure…” Nick sat the headphones on the stool within the recording booth. He suppressed the urge to kick it. It was all about the anger control these days. “Give me a second, I’ll be back.”

His phone rang as he watched the sun begin to set. He was in Cincinnati, on one of their rare days off. They had another tomorrow, before their show the day after, so he took the chance to try and get the solo record started. Tomorrow, he had something else planned that Nick figured would get in the way of any recording. He hadn’t told the others, unsure of how they’d feel about it since the original plan was to start bouncing around thoughts for the next album during the tour. Nick sighed as he leaned against the wall, opening his phone to answer.

“Hello?”

“Hey man, where are ya?”

“AJ?”

“Yeah, you vanished on us this morning before anyone was up to notice and no one’s seen you all day. I think you’re gonna give Brian a hernia dude.” AJ snickered.

“That’s what he gets for trying to act like Kevin.” His tongue ran slowly along his lips as he thought about his words carefully. “I’m in a recording studio. Call it random inspiration, I ain’t doing anything fucking crazy.”

“Solo shit?”

“Yeah, you sound shocked.”

“I am, I thought you were cool with it waiting awhile.”

“I ain’t anymore. Look I gotta go, I’ll be back at the hotel later.” Nick clicked the phone shut. At least that was honest. That was when he realized his problem. When he was singing the song, he wasn’t singing it honestly. He wasn’t letting everything go into it. In trying to sound happy, like he wanted everyone to believe, he was lying in the one thing he shouldn’t be lying in. His music. Nick walked back inside, with a soft smile set upon his face.

At least for the moment, he could be honest.

***

“This is the first time I’ve had to travel for a patient.”

Nick smirked at Dr. Julewis, who was pushing a stray brown lock out of her eyes. The two were in a small coffee house, almost completely empty with the exception of a lone female writer on the other side of the room. The place was styled like a cozy cottage, giving an at home feeling Nick never experienced in his own places of residence at anytime during his life. Nick had tried to find the most out of the way place possible, in an attempt to keep the therapy sessions hidden. So many secrets, so little time to try and hide them. “Yeah well, I’m a bit of a problem; you should just pass me along to someone else.”

“Oh no Mr. Carter, you’re hard enough to track down. And honestly, a challenge can be fun.”

“Yeah, sure, whatever.” He sipped his coffee. He’d always been a coffee addict, but was drinking even more when he saw some article on the internet that said coffee could help with Alzheimer’s. Would it work? Who knew? But why not try it anyway, he figured.

“So, I see you’re coping with your depression well since you started touring. You’re more upbeat, and you seem to have hit the stage of acceptance in some form.”

“Do I got a fucking choice in that?”

She smirked. “You’re still stuck in the anger stage however.” The smirk softened into a smile. “You would probably feel less angry if you reached out to someone who’s with you. I know you said in our last session you told Kevin, but did you tell him because you wanted him, or because he’s safe?”

He rolled his eyes. “I told him cause I wanted to. Kev…well he has this way of making you tell him everything without even trying.”

“He’s not there to look at you differently though, to treat you differently than before. You think that may be a factor?”

“Maybe, what of it?” He spat back, leaning back in his cozy armchair. “I need time, there’s shit I gotta do before I tell anyone. I need them to see me the same old way till then.”

“But Nick, you’re not the same person anymore, this changed you. Not just with the memory, I mean as a person. You’ve told me so yourself. You think no one will notice?”

Nick sighed, setting his mug aside. “They won’t. I won’t let them.”

“So you’ll live a lie rather than get the support system you need at this time?”

He shrugged. “Wouldn’t be the first time.”






**Lyrics taken from "Story Of My Life" by the Backstreet Boys

Chapter Ten

Nick stared at the scars that ran along his right arm. They zigged and they zagged, standing out harshly, pale in contrast to his tanned skin. They’d be a reminder till the memories finally went, of the day his life crashed and burned before him. Or started to, anyway. He got closer to the mike stand in the booth. His eyes closed as he let himself just escape into the music.

It’s like I’m screaming now…
I can’t make a sound
And I don’t know how to move on…
Wish I could just go back
But I can’t do that…

His voice was soft and gentle, soothing and haunting. The song was about lost love, but to Nick, it was about losing himself. The self he wanted to be once more. Everything that felt like slipping through his fingers, he yearned for them as he sang. He pulled away from the mike for a moment when the music faded out. “How’s that?”

“Wow, that was downright depressing, in a good way.”

Nick laughed, stepping out and grinning at Mike. “Thanks? I think.”

“Always ready with the flattery for ya.” The two had been recording together all morning. Nick had him flown out to where he was yet again. It’d been three weeks since their last session in Ohio. Now they were in Richmond, Virginia. Leighanne was due to join them in a couple days. Leigh had already come by with James only a week before.

“I think it’s coming out good though, my fave track yet. I should go back in, lay some more adlibs on and see how it comes out.”

Mike glanced up at the clock on the wall behind Nick. “Don’t you have a show tonight?”

He glanced at his watch and blinked. An hour before sound check was supposed to go on. He felt like screaming. “Shit! I gotta get going. Thanks!” How could he forget something important like that?

“Later Nick!”

As he quickly headed out with a final wave to his friend, he ran out to the road, where he hoped he could quickly catch a cab. While Richmond was no New York City, he knew he could probably find a cab without having to actually call for one. At least, so he hoped. The fellas were going to kill him if he was late. Not to mention their manager, no doubt about it. He wasn’t looking where he was going as he pulled out his phone. Which Backstreet Boy to call first? Turned out, it was a question he wouldn’t have to answer as the phone buzzed within his hand.

“Hello?”

“Nick where are you?!”

“I’m sorry Howie! I’m on my way. I swear.”

“Sound check was supposed to start TEN MINUTES AGO!”

“What?” Finally, he flagged down a cab. “I thought it was in an hour.”

This shit can’t mess with my sense of time can it? Note to self: Ask the next Doctor I see at the next tour stop. Because of his touring, Nick had sent Dr. Hansen his schedule. He then faxed Nick’s files to the Doctors he’d be seeing on the road since Nick refused to have a nurse or doctor tour with him. At some of the stops, Nick was forced to sneak away for check up appointments every four weeks. They didn’t take long, they were more for memory tests, checking upon the progression, and how he was reacting to the medication. Still, it was just another lie to add to the pile that continuously rose. Nick stared at the cab when the driver honked to get his attention back to reality once again.

“Yo, can ya get in already big shot?” He called out with a thick Brooklyn accent. Nick raised a brow as he got in. Not something he expected seeing as he was down south.

“Why-” he shook his head. “Never mind, Richmond Coliseum man, and step on it.” He went back to Howie who was still on the cell phone, and now cursing at him angrily in Spanish, amusingly enough. Those were mainly the words Nick knew, thanks to Howie.

“Look Howie…”

Now he’d come back to English. “You’ve been so flaky and irresponsible; we can’t even rely on you anymore. Justin is stalling the sound check cause you’re nowhere to be found. God knows where you are…” And the Spanish cursing filtered in once more.

“Howie!”

“What Nick? What?”

Nick glanced out his window, taking in the scene around him. That was the thing about Virginia, or anywhere along the east coast or down south in general. He always felt like he went back in time again, just from the trees and old feeling buildings he passed. “I’m on my way. I’m sorry. I screwed up the time.”

“You’ve been screwing up a lot of things lately.” And then the dial tone.

He kicked the empty passenger seat above him. “Fuck.” Nick muttered angrily.

After the phone call from his rightfully irritated band mate, the ride itself was uneventful. He stared out the window, lost within the scenery around him. It really was quite beautiful in Virginia, something he didn’t always appreciate given how quickly he always traveled. The drive was shorter than expected. He ran into the large stadium. It was a large, grayish brown circular shaped building with an interesting design Nick always enjoyed when they performed there. He ran through the performer’s entrance, away from the fans. Luckily, security, at Howie’s request kept the area clear so Nick could get in. Nick dialed Brian’s number as he raced down the halls.

“Nick? Where are you?”

“I’m…in…the building!” He panted, as he continued to navigate his way through. “Tell Howie…so he doesn’t….kill me!”

A strained chuckle. “He might anyway.”

Sounds like you wanna help him there Bri. “I’ll be there…in….a…”He burst through a pair of double doors, only to be met with the stares of Brian, AJ, and Howie, as well as half the stage staff and their manager. “…minute.” He clicked his phone shut, giving a sheepish grin. “Hi?”

Jen, who’d been their manager since 2007 during their underground days, was giving Nick what he still thought of as the Kevin Death Stare. A talent few had, and was still amazed she had since she became their manager after Kevin had left the group. Her heel was tapping the floor irritably as Nick forced himself to look humble.

“I’d lecture but I’m pretty sure if we keep the fans waiting, they’ll kill security. So when you come back from sound check, you and I need to talk Carter.”

She pushed him forward behind Brian. They walked out upon the stage, where four stools awaited them, and a crowd of fans could be seen sitting in the seats just before them. He ran a hand tiredly through his hair, wishing yet again he didn’t keep forgetting to get it cut. Despite everything however, it didn’t feel like he was going through the motions when it came to the fans. Instead, the excitement that always came when they screamed rushed through him yet again, giving him a new pick-me-up. He grinned, hopping up on his stool so excitedly he almost fell over with it.

“Alright!” announced Justin, one of the people who worked for the company that ran their fan club. “Now that Nick has finally arrived…”

Nick smirked, speaking into the microphone. “Damn that Backstreet time.”

The fans laughed, and Nick avoided the narrowing of Howie’s eyes. AJ could be seen snickering beside him, nudging Brian to say something to him in his ear. Brian. He missed their bond right then, how close they were. He’d worked so hard to bring their friendship back after he screwed it up during his alcoholic drug addict days. Now, everything felt like it was going back to that, only without the oblivion drugs and alcohol could help provide.

“Who has a question for Nick? We’ll start with him, since he’s the tardy boy.”

Many girls raised their hands eagerly. Most were within their late twenties and some early thirties. The teenagers who were there looked to be daughters who’d become fans because of their mothers that accompanied them. It felt odd, knowing his music was now touching upon new generations of fans. Many who weren’t even born when their debut red album was released or far too young to remember when Quit Playing Games (With My Heart) dominated the pop charts when they finally broke onto radio in America. Nick never imagined in his wildest dreams when this all started that it would ever go this far. But so it had.

Too bad he was the only one who knew that now was the beginning of the end.

“Nick?”

He blinked, giving a goofy grin he knew the fans would expect of him. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to space out that way. Aliens abducted my brain for a second.”

AJ smirked at Nick. “For a second? Don’t let him fool you ladies. They took his brain back in 1996. We’ve been trying to get it back from them ever since.”

The crowd laughed along with Nick. He wondered if they noticed Brian’s lack of wisecracks at him that would have normally accompanied this. “Can you ask me again darling?”

The young girl swooned a bit at the charm he let himself exude then. “I asked when you’re older and retired from the music business-”

“Awwww!” The other girls interrupted.

“-What will you remember most about being a Backstreet Boy? If you have children, what would you tell them about it years from now?”

Nick froze, staring at her. It was an innocent question, he knew. One that had depth and real meaning beyond all the ones that still asked what kind of underwear he liked to wear. But in that one moment, Nick could swear he could hear his heart shatter. Shatter upon the floor into shards that would only make him bleed even more than he already felt he was on the inside. He swallowed hard as he fought to keep his composure. But how could he answer something he knew would never come to be?

“I ain’t sure…but I’m sure the fellas here will tell them all sorts of stories that I won’t!” He joked, trying his damnedest to look jovial as he said it. It was an honest answer, despite how he made it come across.

While everyone else laughed, Nick Carter simply fought to keep himself together.

****

“Completely irresponsible!”

“Jen, look I-”

“And it ain’t the only time this tour either Carter! I don’t know what your deal is right now, but you need to get your shit together. Like, yesterday.” She stormed off, her heels clickety-clacketing down the hallway as she went. Nick punched the nearby wall, wincing at the pain it caused. His hand now throbbed, but he was able to wiggle his fingers at least.

Nothing broken this time, score one for Nick.

“Didn’t you learn from the last time you punched something out of anger? The wall will win just like the window did.” Brian asked as he approached him. Nick simply rolled his eyes in response.

“What is going on?”

Nick shook his head, heading back to their dressing rooms. They only had an hour and a half before show time and he was hoping at a chance to snack before then. It was one of the few times he felt hungry that day and wanted to jump on it before it went away again thanks to the medication.

“Nothing.”

“Are you on drugs again?”

The accusation caused Nick to freeze; turning slowly back to the man he called his best friend. “What?!”

Brian stared at him, his normally friendly blue eyes stony, cold, and serious. “I mean it Nick. Are you on drugs?”

Rage boiled beneath the surface. Nick’s mind was slowly dying, and it was killing him not to tell the guys. Something he was doing for their good, rather than his own. He was doing his best to try and do everything right before he, Nick was gone with only a mindless shell to leave behind. And this was the thanks he was getting? Brian accusing him of doing drugs again?

So much for my best friend having some fucking faith in me. “NO! I’m not on drugs Brian!”

“Well you’re acting weird, you’ve gotten irresponsible, suddenly you’re having odd hyper highs…what are we supposed to think?”

“You’re supposed to trust me!”

“You mean like the last time we tried to trust you? When you almost killed yourself because we didn’t do anything?! Where you got yourself heart problems, begged for them almost by doing this shit?!” Brian yelled, his accent that had faded over the years coming in clearer than ever the way it always did when he was upset.

Nick marched up to Brian; the two were toe to toe as Nick stared down at him. Two pairs of blues met angrily in a way that would give any observer chills from the intensity alone. “I’m not that guy anymore. I’ve got shit I’m trying to deal with. That’s it. I’m fine. You can either trust me or drug test me. Cause I don’t give a damn. I ain’t lying.”

Nick stepped back, walking away. He kept his back to Brian, despite how much it hurt not to confess it all. He couldn’t believe Brian thought that. How could he believe that when Nick worked so hard to get himself together again over the years?

Alright sure the alcohol came back, but I had a handle on it. Still do.

“Then why don’t you tell me what’s going on Nick?” Brian called out after him.

Rather than responding, Nick simply walked away. Truth be told, he had no idea how to answer him anymore. Right then, he didn’t want to even if he did. At that moment, he felt Brian didn’t deserve that right anymore.

Chapter Eleven

“Come on baby, we can go back to my tour bus…” Nick slurred into a girl’s ear as their bodies danced slowly together upon the floor of a random nightclub he didn’t know the name of.

“You are so wasted.”

“No, no no no…” Nick shook his head, almost stumbling. He’d only had a few drinks, but in combination with the Exelon it caused him to feel drunk far sooner than he would normally. “I…am fine. Fiiiiiiiiiiine.”

The young woman laughed. She was his old type. Bottle blonde hair, in her mid twenties, skinny, and legs that could go on forever. Her green eyes met his and he just laughed some more. “You don’t believe me?” His words blurred together, making it hard for her to even decipher what he was saying.

“I wouldn’t have guessed you to be a lightweight.”

“I-I-I ain’t. Well I am liiight. I dunno.”

She watched him with a raised brow. “I think it’s time to get you back to your tour bus buddy.” She sighed. “Call Brian or AJ. Just be happy I’m a fan and not some random groupie who’d use you.”

Nick shook his head, which ended up shaking his whole body with his complete lack of coordination. “Noooooo I’m mad at Brian. I...I ain’t calling him. Noooope.” He laughed and pulled her close once more. He didn’t even know her name, but right then, he didn’t really care.

She pulled away as the neon strobe lights danced around them, showing a mass of bodies moving sensually to the music around them. “Come on, give me your phone. I’ll call AJ then. You need some rest; don’t you have another show to do tomorrow?”

Evidently declaring Nick was no longer in any condition to make the decision himself, she snuck her hands into his pockets in search of his infamous Blackberry. He grinned, pulling her against him as he nuzzled her neck. “No AJ…you and me…”

She pulled away, staring at Nick sadly as the music boomed around them in an upbeat melody. “You know, I used to dream of this when I was a teeny, and now…” The girl shook her head as she flipped the phone open, scanning his phone for AJ’s number. “I can’t even say yes in good conscience.” She called the number, muttering. “Damn my morals…”

The conversation she had went unnoticed to Nick as he once again tried to pull her into his warm embrace. All he wanted was to escape. To feel. He felt so distant anymore, separated from those he cared about. They thought he was back to his old addictions, and he couldn’t even correct them. Instead all he could do was plead for them to trust them. Which, thanks to his own damaged history, they simply couldn’t do. After the first accusation, Jen approached him with the same questions. As did Howie. Only AJ had held back as of yet. All it did was add to his ever-growing frustrations. It led to a night of drinking and clubbing the pain away. He’d known he shouldn’t, and he just didn’t care anymore. One day he’d just forget this anyway. That had been his logic when he caught a cab downtown immediately after the concert that night in Miami.

As always, the way the tour had been set up was a bit random. Tomorrow was another show in Miami, then Orlando, before making their way along the southern states going west. The tour ended in Las Vegas in a month, giving them a break for Christmas and New Years before going overseas. Leighanne and Baylee had joined them on the tour only the night before, causing Brian to finally get his own bus rather than share Nick’s much to his relief.

A hand waved before his eyes, causing him to stagger and come back to reality as best as he could within his drunken stupor. AJ stood in front of him, his lime green polished nails danced before his eyes. He smiled at the girl who handed him Nick’s phone.

“Thanks for calling me down.”

She just nodded. “No problem, I mean he’s my fave…but I couldn’t take advantage of him like this.”

“Good to know there’s still good people in the world.” He hugged her, and before Nick could protest he lead him outside the club where a cab awaited alongside the road.

With the cab however, were a few paparazzi just waiting for the perfect scandal. AJ led Nick into the cab as cameras flashed around them. The two just ignored them, AJ grumbling as he followed Nick inside the car.

As it headed back to where their busses were waiting, AJ stared at Nick in disbelief, anger written clearly within his expression. “Are you kidding me dude?”

“I’m not drunk.” He slurred as he stared out the window. “And I’m noooot on drugs.”

AJ’s face softened, realizing what spurred this outing. It was typical of Nick, and one they all should’ve seen coming. Kevin would have, had he been there. When Nick was hurt, or angry, he would always do exactly what they accused him of doing. And while Nick hadn’t done any drugs, he had decided to go back to bad habits full force just to show them something. He’d been acting oddly, leaving all of them confused and angry. Anger never worked well with Nick, it only made him pull away even more than he already had. Nick kept his eyes out the window, even in his drunken stupor; he ignored the ache in his heart that yearned to tell AJ, or anyone what was really going on.

“I’m not. I miss Kevin.”

“I know buddy, I know. We’re just worried about you okay?”

“You should be.”

And while Nick passed out beside him, AJ was left to try and figure out what exactly Nick meant by that last and painfully honest drunken statement.

***

“Uncle Niiiiiiiick….”

A shaking motion caused him to stir, and shake him from the bliss dreams could give him. In them, he’d been okay. He didn’t have Alzheimer’s, and the people he cared about weren’t mad at him. It wasn’t a dream too strange or out there. It was simply a dream of the normality he craved. It was a dream of younger days, back when he felt more innocent and naïve in the ways of the world and its cruelties. The smile upon his face was gentle, sweet, and almost angelic.

“Niiiiiick…”

“Go away Kevin…” He mumbled. “I don’t care about school or the tutor…”

“NIIIIICK!”

His eyes blinked open. A curly, blond haired, twelve year old version of his best friend came into his vision. Baylee grinned as Nick rolled and turned to face him in his bunk. “Hey Bay.” He croaked, his head throbbing as a reminder of the previous night’s events.

Baylee peered his head further into the bunk, grinning. Nick grinned back, despite how bad he felt due to the hangover. I didn’t even have that many drinks…oh damn I’m a moron. He realized when he remembered the medication. Still, now wasn’t the time to dwell on it. “Happy to be back on tour with us squirt?” He asked as he climbed out of the small bed, stretching and wearing only a pair of worn Celtics sweatpants. His hair was all over the place, and his eyes were somewhat bloodshot as he rubbed them tiredly.

“Yeah! Though the fans asking for my autograph still weirds me out, cause I’m not even the famous one.” He made a face. “And I’m gonna get taller than you one day.” Baylee replied, smirking.

“I still don’t get the autograph thing and I am the famous one. And you ain’t growing if you’re anything like your dad. And squirt, you’re like his mini me.” Nick made his way further down the bus where the small kitchenette awaited.

“How’d the whole autograph thing start?”

“Hell if I know.”

“I’ll Google it.” That was always Baylee’s answer if someone didn’t have one, to Google it on his phone. Nick sometimes swore the kid helped keep the company in business.

“Google addict.”

“YouTube whore.”

Nick almost choked from laughing so hard. “Okay who told you I’m a YouTube whore?” In essence it was true. Ever since YouTube had first been created, it’d become Nick’s favorite pastime when he was bored. Especially during tours. He would watch anything and everything on the page even though he did have the money for Netflix and downloads or movie and every other normal way of entertainment. So it wasn’t something he let people know. Mostly because a lot of the videos he’d searched for were a bit strange, admittedly. It led to interesting “recommended” videos though when he would visit the page.

“AJ.”

“I’ma kill him…you ought to see what he does when he’s bored.”

Baylee raised a brow. “Dad always says AJ’s better staying in the dark about.”

“True story.” Nick yawned a bit. “So what’s up?”

“I’m bored…”

“And of course I’m the best cure for boredom…”

“Exactly!”

Nick sat at the table as he opened a package of poptarts to munch on. His eyes traveled over to a clock. 11:05 am, so it wasn’t too late in the day just yet. Baylee flopped in a chair, pulling out his phone and texting someone while Nick let himself wake up a bit more. As he went to ponder what to do, a knocking came from the door at the front of the bus. Baylee ran over to the door to answer, hyper as always, his father’s son in almost every way. Almost. His knack for sarcasm came from Nick, which he supposed made sense since he always called Baylee his adopted son anyway.

When Baylee came back into view again, he wasn’t alone. Now, the original version followed him. Nick stared him down. Part of him was still so angry at Brian for starting off the trend of drug accusations he’d been getting. Part of him wanted to yell and scream at him till he had no voice left to show the pain of betrayal he felt from his closest friend. And then there was the other half. The half that knew it was his fault they were having problems in the first place. The half that had caused him to go out last night. Because that half needed Brian so much, and had ever since that day he first went to the doctor’s office because he’d known something was wrong. That same half simply felt vulnerable, guilty, and scared, plain and simple.

Brian looked back at his son, who watched the awkward silence between the two curiously. “Bay, why don’t you help your mom set up for her Wylee Party.”

The preteen looked completely off put by such a suggestion when Nick knew he’d been ready from some Bay and Nick bonding time. “But Daaaaad I hate going to those things. All those old ladies…” Old of course, in Baylee’s book, meant around Nick’s age or a few years younger. “…they end up fawning and cooing and it’s weiiiiiird!”

Brian gave him a firm look. “Baylee, go help your mother.”

“But!”

“Not another word.”

“UGH! You never wanna let me have any fun!” He stormed out, shutting the bus door loudly behind him.

Brian sighed. “There, now you have someone else who can be mad at me with you.”

Nick gestured to the chair Baylee had been occupying. “You may as well sit as you interrogate my ass.”

Brian’s mouth twitched at the word choice, but instead of cracking a joke and laughing the way he normally would, he simply sat down as Nick requested. Nick broke off part of his poptart, chewing slowly, and waiting for whatever shoe Brian had to drop. “Look, Nick…”

Nick bit his lip. This was just as much his fault as it was everyone else’s. Time he acted like it. “…Brian…I…”

But could he say it?

Could he really tell Brian what was going on? How he lost things constantly on his bus? That part of the reason he’d become so flaky and late all the time was that it took him forever to recover necessary items? Or that he’d accidentally get lost if he was driving a car that didn’t have GPS? Or that his new trend of creating joke lyrics the way Brian did was to cover up his slip ups so no one realized he almost screwed up?

He stared at Brian, who waited expectantly. Into the kind, gentle face of a man who always accepted him no matter what. A man who on their first day meeting each other, had spotted Nick looking a bit lost amongst the others when they were at Lou’s mansion and hugged him tightly before he even knew Nick’s name? Someone, who, despite everything fought to be there no matter how much he screwed up?

He’d be there for him now, Nick knew that. And he knew he needed that.

But he’d be treated differently, so differently.

“…I’m sorry for the way I’ve been freaking you out.”

“You’re scaring all of us. Something’s going on…”

Nick nodded. “You’re right. And before you ask, yes Kevin knows what it is.”

Brian opened his mouth to reply but he interrupted him before he could. “And he’s not telling. Look…”He licked his lips. “It’s not drugs. It’s nothing bad.” Guilt rose at the lie, but he shoved it back down yet again. It was becoming a common feeling. “You just gotta trust me when I say that. I’ll tell you, but not now. Now ain’t the time. I just…I need time.” His voice was almost pleading now.

I need so much time. How am I gonna be able to tell them? Telling Kevin had just happened, a burst of emotion he hadn’t been able to control. Telling everyone else would be far more controlled, and far more painful.

Brian nodded slowly. “Kevin knows.”

“Yes. And you know if it were drugs his ass would be here right now dragging me to rehab the way he did AJ.”

Brian laughed, nodding. “He would too, and you’d kick and scream…”

“And whine a whole lot…” Nick joked, before pausing again to regain his train of thought while the laughter settled between them. “So can you trust me on this? Till I’m ready to tell you?”

“You know you can tell me anything…”

Nick leaned forward, his poptart lay on the small table, now forgotten. He rubbed his arms a bit. From an outside perspective, it looked like he was a bit chilly from sitting shirtless under the air vent. In truth, it was simply the idea of telling the fellas that chilled him. “I know man, and I will. I just need time.”

“Okay, I trust you.”

Chapter Twelve

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart…but the very next day you gave it away…

Nick changed the station as he drove his Lexus, which showed none of the damage he’d done six months before. If it was only so easy to erase the damage being done to him, he’d do it in a heartbeat. He bit his lip, unsure of what he was going to do. He didn’t have a clue. He felt like he never did these days. Looking around, he decided to pull over. He couldn’t drive anyway till he actually made a decision. Nick hit the steering wheel as hard as he could, frustrated with himself, with everything in his life. His ears caught the lyrics of the new song filtering through the speakers.

Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays…

At that, he cut the engine. Hearing a song that he’d always hated, by a group that had made his career ten times more difficult for half of it, wasn’t a good sign in his eyes. He hated that NSYNC song with the fire of a thousand suns, to put it mildly. Nick was supposed to be driving to the airport, but he wasn’t sure where he was going after that. He’d been back in Los Angeles for two weeks, thinking he’d just ignore Christmas alone. Of course, no one would let that happen. In fact, he’d gotten two offers on how to spend his Christmas.

Going back to the Littrells for Christmas was a tradition that started when he was only nineteen. His own family failed him too many times, so Jackie had started making sure he came home with Brian. So that was the first offer.

The second offer, came from his mother. He’d gotten the call only a week before, and was almost shocked into a heart attack. His mother, Jane Carter, acting human? It wasn’t a concept he was used to. At least, not since he was around fifteen years old and he went from son to ATM in her eyes. Still, a small part of him missed having a real mother, despite knowing the fact she would never be one to him again. Maybe there were no ulterior motives. Maybe she was lonely.

Or maybe she needs more money. He shook the thought away. Nick knew he’d have to forgive her, and he didn’t have the longest amount of time to do it. He mused on the idea. Christmas with the Carters. It sounded like one of those bad holiday comedies where everything that could, went wrong. Nick decided then it wouldn’t be nearly as fun trying to live it.

His phone buzzed, and he ignored it, starting up the car again. Nick didn’t care who it was, and wondered if he could just fly off to the Bahamas and hide away till the holidays ended. He knew where he was going to spend Christmas, but he didn’t know how he’d be able to reject his mother’s offer. Nick knew she’d be upset, and even though she made his life hell for so many years of his life, he felt bad for doing so at Christmas time.

Finally he pulled out his phone, staring out at the late night traffic along the highway. “Hello?”

“Hey little man.”

“Hey.”

Nick sighed, feeling a bit of relief at it being Kevin. He’d missed him more than he ever had during this last tour. Kevin left the group nine years before, and Nick had adjusted pretty well. There’d be times he wished Kevin was there, but overall he’d been okay. Ever since he’d told Kevin though, it hit him harder than ever not having Kevin there. The whole idea of that was a bit weird; given that part of the reason he figured he told him, was because he wasn’t in the group anymore, and therefore wouldn’t be around him to be coddling him constantly.

“You’re coming down aren’t you? Brian told me he invited you.”

“Jackie or Brian always invite me.”

“You should come, he’s worried.”

Nick scoffed as he started up the car again; it was a bit too nippy to not have the heat on. “He’s been bugging you to tell him hasn’t he?”

“You should tell him.”

“I will. I tried to, I just…I couldn’t do it. You haven’t-”

“Of course not, but you should.”

“…I know. I just, need to figure my shit out.”

“I understand, I’m here if you need help with that.”

“Thanks.”

“I’ll see you soon?”

Nick nodded, forgetting that Kevin couldn’t see him for a moment before actually answering. He wondered then why he even debated about where to go to begin with. It should’ve been obvious to him the entire time. Home was where your family was, and for Nick, that wasn’t with those who shared the same DNA. “Yep, I’ll see you there.”

****

The Littrell house always made Nick think of Little House on the Prairie, what little he knew of that show. They lived on a ranch house, not run down, but you could tell it’d been there for a long time and had a sense of character to it. The acre it sat on was covered with snow, giving an almost magical quality as the lights that twinkled upon the roof made him smile. Mature, snow covered and currently leafless tress lined the driveway, also decked out in lights. Nick had been there so many times since he was sixteen, Brian’s parents always did their best to help make up for the lack of a family Nick had. Still, he hesitated actually walking up the driveway.

It was Christmas Eve, and he simply stood there, waiting in the cold. His suitcase in hand, he stood before the house, shivering as a light snowy power came down upon him. He bit his lip as he stared the house from the sidewalk. Nick wondered if he’d have had an easier time going to see his mother and siblings.

“UNCLE NICK!”

A nine year old blonde haired version of Kevin came running out of the house towards him at full speed. Nick dropped his bags and held his arms out, catching him in his arms. Mason tackled him over, causing them both to fall back into the snow.

“You trying to kill me Mase?” Nick joked, ruffling his hair the way Kevin always did to him.

“Dad sent me out, he said you’d run off if I didn’t tackle you down.” He answered back, laughing.

“He probably would have.”

Nick glanced up, and there stood Brian, picking up his bags as Nick lay there in the snow, Mason still on top of him laughing. He rolled off, making a snow angel beside him. Nick glanced over, starting to do the same, chuckling. “Hey Bri, come join us in the great making of snow angels! You know you want to…”

Brian chuckled, shaking his head. “Mom’s got dinner ready, I won’t be missing that.”

Nick’s head shot up. “She’s got dinner done already?”

“Of course, you think anyone wants to wait for her feast?”

Mason perked up and was already running inside the house. Nick simply laughed. The child had his attention span, and he always loved teasing Kevin about how Kristen gave him a mini version of Nick to raise again. Silence came between him and Brian as he rose out of the snow and brushed himself off. It felt awkward and wrong. Nick grabbed his other bag, following Brian inside. Although neither said anything, it felt like a whole argument went unspoken between them. Nick knew Brian wanted him to talk. And Nick knew that Brian knew he wasn’t going to. The silence got thick with tension without any words at all as the two walked into the house.

“Nickolas Gene Carter!”

Nick turned, and dropped his bag by the door as Brian’s mother came to embrace him. She was a little woman, especially within the embrace of Nick’s tall frame. Shorter than Brian even, he hugged her tightly, his chin resting on top of her head as he smiled. “Hey Jackie…”

She pulled back a bit, taking him in as she examined him carefully. “You’re doing okay?”

He nodded. “Yep, better than I have been.” Liar, Liar, soon enough my pants will be on fire…

“Good, you deserve to be happy.” She looked around. “What, no special someone here with you?”

Nick shook his head, his heart aching at the thought. He would never have that. “Nah, just single again.”

Jackie Littrell patted his cheeks gently, giving him a loving smile. “It’ll happen, and that girl will be lucky to have you.”

Nick just nodded, as she led him to the dinner table. “Thanks again for having me.”

“You thank me every year Nick, and every year I tell you you’re family so we’ll have you anytime. Now, sit!”

Smartly, he plopped in the seat she picked for him, placed right in between the two people he wasn’t up to sitting next to. Brian was on his right side, and beside him were Leighanne and Baylee. On Nick’s left was Kevin, with Kristen and Mason at his side. Across sat Brian’s father Harold, as well as his brother Harold Junior. Kevin’s older brothers, Tim and Jerald sat there as well with their wives and kids. It always struck Nick funny that Kevin was the youngest in his family, with Nick the oldest in his, and in the group the roles reversed. It probably explained their dynamic relationship.

What also amused him was while Brian looked very much like his mother, Harold Jr. always made Nick think of what would happen if he was able to blend Brian and Kevin together in a mixer. With the same cheekbones as Brian, he had the same facial features as Kevin. Then when he looked at Jerald, he saw a guy who could almost pose for Brian, while Tim looked like Kevin without the infamous bushy brows. The Littrell genes ran strong in that family, always causing Nick to crack inbred jokes around Kevin when he was younger.

“Nick…why don’t you say grace for us this year.”

Nick blinked at Harold Senior’s request. “Me?”

He nodded, beaming at him. “Sure, you’re family, and in all these years we haven’t asked you to do the honors. Would you mind?”

Nick swallowed hard, shaking his head. “No, sure…I mean, I’ll do it.”

How do I do this when I curse out God every other day for the shit he’s putting me through?

They all bowed their heads, leaving Nick with no choice really but to bow his as well and come up with something as he went. Nick took in a deep breath, and hoped he didn’t end up sounding like an idiot.

“Dear Heavenly Father, I…we…thank you for this meal and the blessings you have given us…” He peeked up, trying to stay calm as he continued.

You gave them blessings, but you cursed me. “We pray that you shall continue to bless us. We thank you um…for the fact we can all be together, healthy and safe and sound…um…so thanks Pops.” He raised his head, looking sheepish. He always called God “Pops” ever since he started believing somewhat again. He hadn’t meant to say it out loud though.

“That was good Nick.” Brian grinned at him, suppressing a laugh at the “Pops” mention as well. For a moment, it almost felt like everything was okay. Just for a moment. They all began to eat contently, leaving Nick lost within his pensive state.

Kevin nudged him; Nick ignored him as the food was placed upon the table. He wasn’t going to talk, and now was not the time. Brian nudged him next. Nick pretended that didn’t happen either as he helped himself to plenty of turkey and stuffing. Kevin leaned over to say something; Nick turned his head and ate while trying his damndest to ignore him. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Kristen and whisper to Kevin. He only caught fragments of it: “leave” and “alone”. He smirked. He always did love Kristen. Brian leaned over to try and talk to him as well before he could even snicker at the Richardson couple.

“Look, Nick…”

“Not now.”

“Hey. I wasn’t…”

“I’m full. Thanks, dinner was fantastic.”

Nick rose, suddenly not feeling hungry anymore. Besides, he was sure he broke past his carbs limit for the day as it was. He walked outside, taking in the air. Kevin’s footsteps soon followed. He knew they were his, without even turning to look. They just knew each other that well.

“You alright?”

“I’m fine. It’s just hard.”

“Brian’s-”

“Who’s Brian?” Nick asked, with the hint of a smirk.

Kevin stared at him, trying to figure out whether he was serious or not. After letting him sweat it out for about a minute, Nick laughed emptily. “Sorry. Bad joke.”

He rolled his eyes at him. “That wasn’t funny.”

Nick shrugged. “Gotta laugh at yourself right? I’m trying. I’m fucking trying to cope alright? It just ain’t working. It ain’t working and Brian’s constantly trying to figure out just what’s wrong with me. When what I need for him most is to just back off and act normal! I don’t want him remembering me acting like an ass. I want him remembering me as his crazy best friend who’s always causing chaos and living life up. He needs that, he needs that before my brain fucking goes.”

A hand rested on his shoulder as the two watched the snow still falling down softly upon them. “What about what you need?”

“Who cares! I won’t remember it anyway! This fucking Alzheimer’s will destroy my brain, it’ll make me forget everything! Who cares what I want! I won’t remember not getting it, so who gives a damn! God…I just…I’ll handle this easier if I can just go out the way I want…and…and…”

Nick trailed off when he turned away from Kevin. There, caught within his vision, and within definite hearing range stood Brian only several feet away. Frozen in shock and disbelief at what he just heard as he stared at them. He stood there, unmoving, no reactions. Nick screamed, kicking a nearby tree. “Perfect, just fucking perfect. You two talk about it. I’m going inside where at least your family can treat me normal.”

He stalked inside, slamming the door behind him.

Chapter Thirteen

Knock. Knock. Knock.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

Nick rolled his eyes as he sat on the other side of the door, leaning against it on the off chance Brian or Kevin were able to find a key or pick the lock. They’d been trying all morning, in fact it was their fault he woke up, hearing them trying to get the door open. The night before had been enough drama to last a lifetime. Or, at least till he forgot about his. He’d hid out in the open after Brian overheard him yelling at Kevin, amongst the Littrells he knew they’d want to keep oblivious to it for now. So although he knew Brian wanted to try and talk, although he knew it was selfish, he ran away the best way he could. Once he was able to slip away, he did, keeping the door locked to the guest room he had been hiding out in ever since.

It was growing harder cause he could smell the breakfast Brian’s mom was cooking at this point, but still, he could manage. He laughed at himself. So this was how he was going to spend Christmas day. Locked away in a bedroom trying to hide from the world as he fought to keep himself from crying.

Almost feels like a Carter Christmas after all.

“Nick come on!”

“Brian, forget it, he’s not coming out.” He heard fading footsteps and waited. Kevin was known for the fake out tactics over the years. What, did they think he was twelve? Completely gullible and able to fall for tricks that were over a decade old? If they wanted him to come out that badly, Nick knew they’d have to try harder.

“He really left Nick.”

Nick breathed deeply, attempting to calm himself. He was completely unsuccessful of course.

“Daddy Kev’s gone…so you gonna come out now? Talk to me? I know you’re awake. I heard you trip over your suitcase when you did.”

Nick didn’t answer, instead he wondered how everything could go so badly in seven months time. Was it really only that long ago where he thought he had so much time to get his act together? He asked himself silently for what had to be the billionth time what did he do to deserve this? And he knew it was only going to get harder. This was exactly why he didn’t want anyone knowing. All it did was upset them, and make things even harder for him to try and cope. His head rested against the cool wooden door, shutting his eyes. All he wanted was to block it all out, to make it go away. He wished for simple oblivion, a bliss he was no longer welcome to have.

“Okay, if you don’t come out. I’m just gonna sing to you all day. I know you’re awake Frackolas…”

A smirk appeared despite himself. Brian had to go up a level in his ploy to get Nick to open the door. He thought about how complicated everything was. How he didn’t care if Brian wanted to talk about it, he didn’t. He didn’t want to see the look of shock and despair on his best friend’s face again, the way he did last night. Opening his eyes, he smiled sadly at the pile of gifts he unpacked last night. This was supposed to have been an escape from the drama.

“Alright you Chipmunks, Ready to sing your song?...” he could hear Brian asking in a deeper voice.

“No…” Nick muttered, trying his damnedest not to laugh. “You are not…”

“I'd say we are!” He continued, mimicking the Chipmunks. “Yeah, Lets sing it now!”

He’s insane…and it won’t work. Keep trying Frick.

“Okay, Simon? OK. Okay, Theodore? OK. Okay Alvin?...Alvin?...ALVIN!!! OKAY!!”

Nick fought the laughter that spilled out despite everything. He needed to keep himself quiet or he knew Brian would never leave him alone. He waited, and then suddenly he heard guitar strumming. Nick blinked, Brian was going to play the song too?

“Christmas, Christmas time is near,
Time for toys and time for cheer.
We've been good, but we can't last,
Hurry Christmas, Hurry fast.
Want a plane that loops the loop,
Me, I want a Huuuuuuuuula-Hoooop….”

Brian continued to croon in his almost flawless imitation of the Chipmunks, finally Nick cracked up. He couldn’t help himself as he rolled over on the floor, simply laughing. It felt good. Sighing, he stood, opening the door to see Brian smiling from where he was sitting on the ground with his guitar in hand. He felt himself match the grin Brian had easily. Fighting with him was always so hard. Slipping back into the patterns of their friendship was so incredibly simple, and felt like a weight had lifted. Nick held out a hand for him to take, and pulled him up. He turned, heading back to the bed after locking the door behind him.

“Where’s Bay?”

“Asleep, not as eager to wake up as he was a couple years ago when he thought Santa still existed. Leighanne’s helping mom cook breakfast so I could have some time to try and talk-” He caught the stricken look on Nick’s face. “-hey, it’s okay, I haven’t told her yet…she just thinks we fought.”

“You may as well sit down so we can talk then.”

Brian nodded, setting the guitar aside as he idly ran a hand through his thinning golden curls. His eyes were simply concerned. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Nick shrugged and looked away to grab the nearby pillow. He picked at it, doing his best to avoid Brian’s gaze as he talked. “I knew how you’d react. How everyone will. I didn’t want it.”

A hand rested on his shoulder the light coming through the nearby window glinted off of Brian’s large wedding ring. Nick almost wanted to snicker, the pimp ring was what their fans called it. He always agreed with them about it being a bit too big. “You didn’t need to try and deal with it alone.”

“I didn’t, I told Kevin.”

“Anyone else?”

“Does my zombie loving therapist that the doctors forced on me count?”

“…No, points for the love of zombies though.” Brian joked.

“Haha. I was…trying.”

“By hiding it?”

“Look, I can’t even deal with it. How can I tell you guys and expect you to? You guys will all look at me with those sympathetic eyes, treat me like I’m some fragile as fuck piece of china. I don’t want that. I just…” Nick hugged the pillow close, staring down at his bare feet. “I wanted everything to stay normal for as long as I could.” He uttered softly, as if by saying them almost inaudibly made it less real.

“Nick, with you, nothing’s normal.”

“You know what I mean.”

Brian nodded. “I do…but you gotta let us be there for you. While we still can, you know? You’re my brother where it counts, I’m always here for you. Always will be.” He paused. “Even when you can’t remember why I drive you crazy.”

“Thanks. Look I was doing it for you guys…I just don’t want you remembering me for what I’m gonna end up as.”

“You think that’s how I’ll remember you? Come on, I’ll remember you for being my partner in crime. Like the poop sock in the drum. Or AJ’s cat butt hair that he had to claim was his idea.”

Nick cracked up, giggling uncontrollably. “Yes! We were doing that Jingle Ball thing…and he woke up and freaked out cause he looked like a cat’s ass. That was hard to do, getting the dye right…”

“And you’re Baylee’s favorite Uncle.”

“Of course I am, I mean who else would be able to teach him the finer points of video games, racing boats, and scuba diving?”

Brian smirked. “And pulling pranks on his poor father.”

Nick snickered. “That too.”

Brian paused, looking at Nick seriously for a moment. “You have to tell Howie and AJ.”

“Do I?”

“Yes, you do.”

“Why? Why burden them with that? I didn’t even want to burden you.”

“It’s unfair to them, and you know they’ll know I know, and they’ll wanna know why I know what Kevin knew and didn’t want me to know. So then they’ll bug you to tell me why I get to know what Kevin knows even though you didn’t want me to know, and that they should know whatever it is I know and Kevin knows and you know so that way we all know.” Brian replied in one very long breath, giving a cheesy smile.

“Did you even understand what you said?” He asked between giggles. Brian always had a knack for being able to make light of a situation no matter how it affected him.

“Of course! I know what I know, and you know...”

“I don’t want to tell them. I didn’t want to tell you. It’s easier and better, to leave everyone in the dark till I can’t hide it anymore.”

“It’s not easy, but they deserve you to tell them.”

“I’ll tell them when we go overseas.”

“Fair enough.” He wrapped his arm around Nick, hugging him close from the side. “Sometimes, God performs miracles you know. There’s been cases of people becoming cured, science can’t explain it and all, it happens. I’ll pray for you…maybe He’ll save you. If not…” Brian swallowed hard, and Nick was now seeing the emotions Brian was trying so fiercely to hide for the first time that morning. “…we’re still Frick and Frack. Nothing changes that.”

Nick laid his head on Brian’s shoulder, a habit he developed when they first became friends. There was something that was mentioned to him in his last session. A guardian. Someone who would be responsible for the care of Nick, where he ended up, the legalities and all of that, when his mind finally went. His first thought had been Brian. He opened his mouth to ask.

“Bri…”

“Yeah?”

Nick beamed, shoving the thought aside. He wasn’t sure if he could handle anymore discussion of this. Wasn’t this why he decided not to tell to begin with? “Can we get some food and talk more later? I am starving all to hell. Bet I can beat ya there!” And he bolted out of the room, with Brian laughing as he chased him down the hall.

Chapter Fourteen

“Nick, come on, you said you’d come down.”

Nick glanced out the window of his hotel in Tampa. He wondered how long he could hide out in his former home state before he was discovered. He smiled at the ocean, it crashed against the shores invitingly, beckoning him to go out into the surf. The sun was setting, beautiful as always. For the first time in quite awhile, he got the urge to go grab a drawing pad and go sketch it like he did during his younger days on tour. Drawing, now there was something he missed doing.

I should do my own artwork for the solo album.

“Nick?” He could hear his brother’s voice whine over the phone. It scared him, how much Aaron sounded like him. How much he acted like he did at that age. Making all the wrong choices, listening to all the wrong people, sinking lower and lower without a clue how far he was really going.

“I know, but…” He trailed off. But what? He wasn’t planning on telling Aaron just yet. Or any of his family. Not until after he told AJ and Howie, probably not until he had to. He was the one who’d told his family he’d be down in Tampa for New Year’s Eve. So why was he trying to back out?

I don’t wanna do this. I need to, but I don’t want to. I can’t fix them. He sighed, maybe that was the problem. He wanted to fix his family, make them become a real one, rather than accept they never would be. “…but nothing. I’ll just be a little late is all. No big Airboy, I’ll be by mom’s soon and meet y’all there.”

“Do we have to do this with the family? You and I should go out, live it up a little. It’s New Year’s Eve! This ain’t the time for family bonding.”

Now there’s a really bad idea for you. “Yes it is, we agreed. Dude, even Leslie came down.”

“But not with Mike and her kid.” What Aaron said stung, Nick had at least figured she’d bring his nephew. He barely knew him, due to her isolation from the rest of them. Despite all the assumptions that being in a big family meant they all had each other when no one else was there, it was far from true. Despite his large family, Nick normally felt like an only child with a lot of hanger-ons hoping for a handout. The thought depressed him.

“Don’t matter. I’ll meet you there.” He hung up, sliding his phone back in his pocket, staring out at the ocean again. If only he could just escape it all, swim in the ocean and become a dolphin. Nick knew he’d be happier, for one. It’d be easier as well.

His phone buzzed against his rear in his pocket. Reaching for it, he answered it, completely agitated. “Look Aaron, we’re not going to some damn club when we’re supposed to have a family bonding session! For the love of Holy fucking Howie, the Carters are gonna try and act like a family for one damn night!”

A pause. “Do I wanna ask what mini Nick did to piss you off?”

Nick felt a bit bad as he went back to the bed, lying back against the pillows while grabbed the remote. He turned the TV on and began to channel surf. “Sorry AJ.”

“It’s alright man. How was your country Christmas?”

“Better than Christmas with the Carters.”

“That sounds like a reality show.”

“Ugh, hell no. I am never making that mistake again.” Nick reached over for his mountain dew, and sipped it idly. Caffeine was definitely his new addiction, and if the doctors were right, it would only help his memory. That, and he was developing a fondness for mountain dew and its various flavors, the Code Red one in particular.

“So why you doing this? You know you could’ve done New Years right, with me and D.”

“I felt bad for skipping out on them to go be with Brian and Kev’s family.” Which this wasn’t a completely lie. Because of that, Nick felt less guilty, and considered it an upgrade from his current trends as of late.

He could hear AJ scoff. “They treat you like shit, why do you put up with it?” Before Nick could even answer, he could hear crying in the background. “Shit, I’ll call you back, sounds like Lenni had a bad dream again during her nap.”

“Okay, bye Aje.”

“Peace!”

And he got the dial tone once more.

Nick glanced at the clock, and sighed. This had been his idea. Why had he decided on doing this? What did he think was going to happen? Nothing would change, and he’d be even more miserable than he was already from everything going on. He stretched, standing and walked over to the bathroom to take a shower. He was wearing boxers, which for his own commando preferences was impressive. Nick learned a long time ago that in hotels, fans could stalk and get inside quite easily. So when he lounged, he made sure everything was covered. The boxers came off quickly enough as he locked the door behind him, just in case. Steam soon filled the room from the running water, and he stepped in the shower.

He smiled as the hot stream came down on him. It was relaxing, and able to take him from his problems, at least momentarily. Nick always loved trying to meditate in the shower if he knew he couldn’t make it to the beach. There was just something about him and the water that always just clicked. As the beads of water massaged him lightly, making him less tense, he found himself smiling as he washed his hair.

He knew tonight was going to be rough. He knew later, he probably would have to call one of the fellas, to make himself feel alright. Nick knew, at the end of the night, he’d be regretting everything. But at the same time, the thought hit him, that even with all the problems, all the chaos, deep down he loved his family. And in the end, that was a start. Even with the pain and the hate, the distance and the troubles… if nothing else, it said he was an okay person. He could live with that.

Nick turned the water off, reaching out to grab a towel for himself. As he got dry and went on a hunt for clothes, he began to sing with it wrapped around his waist. “Ain't nobody dope as me I'm dressed so fresh so clean…So fresh and so clean clean…Don't you think I'm so sexy I'm dressed so fresh so clean….So fresh and so clean clean…”

Of course, for rest of the night, he wasn’t quite so cheerful.

****

The drive to what he once thought of as the Carter Compound was relatively uneventful. He smiled a bit as he passed familiar streets, getting the urge to once again stroll his former home and look up old friends he hadn’t talked to in awhile. But that wasn’t his purpose, he was going to tough out a night for his family. They were going to try and bond. Even if it killed them all. When his rental car pulled up to the gates, he rolled down the window and went to punch in the code.

A code he’d forgotten. He hit the steering wheel angrily. “Fuck!” Nick wasn’t even sure if he forgot due to his condition or just from the fact he never visited. He dialed Aaron’s number.

“AC’s house of oh baaaybee!”

“I…never mind. Dude, what the heck is the damn code for the gate?”

“I dunno.”

“You’re shitting me. How the hell did you get in?”

“I ain’t there yet.”

“Oh fuck me!”

“No thanks bro.”

“Airboy, get your ass down here already. I don’t care if you’re grown, you know I can still get you down here.” Before Aaron could reply, he turned off his phone, wondering how many times he could get the code wrong before the alarms went off.

Nick rolled his eyes at the entire situation, turning off the car so it didn’t just sit there. He climbed out, staring out at the large home he’d bought for his mother when he was nineteen, almost twenty. It wasn’t a gigantic mansion or anything. It was however a ten bedroom, two story home, sitting upon several acres of rolling grass. Trees and beautiful flowers went along a cobblestone path to the door. It was a classy home, with Grecian columns and Spanish moss along the side of the wall. He’d bought this for his mother one year for Christmas, as her other home was being repossessed at the time. Not that he wanted to think about why that had been happening, as he’d been helping her out with money when it happened.

Even then, when he gave it to her, fully paid for and in her name thanks to the Millennium royalties, she didn’t even tell him thank you. She never thanked him. And really, that’s all he craved. Appreciation for all that he’d sacrificed for this family. And maybe, just maybe, a little love.

Angel came out of the door before his train of upsetting thoughts went any further. When she saw Nick she started sprinting across the lawn. Angel was the one member of the family Nick always would think was adopted if he hadn’t known better. With her dark brown hair, slender willowy frame, and caring dark eyes, she looked nothing like Bob or Jane Carter. Or even her own twin brother for that matter. In addition, she acted like none of their siblings, showing consideration for others, and always wanting to find her own way to do things rather than always use Nick as a way to get there. Almost at her thirties, at the age of twenty seven, she was the most settled of the Carters, and the happiest in Nick’s opinion. She punched in the code and the gate opened.

Nick opened his arms, welcoming his youngest sister into his embrace. Like him, she was still single, and he couldn’t understand that, as she loved so much more freely than anyone else in their family. She was also a storm to deal with if provoked however. “Angel…I’ve missed ya, miss me?” He teased, talking into her hair as they hugged tightly.

“Of course!” She pulled away, smacking him on the arm. “You left me alone to deal with the others you know!”

He gave her a sideways grin as the two climbed into his car so he could drive in and park in front of the house. “Sorry, Brian invited me…”

“-Brian always invites you.”

“I just wasn’t up for it.”

“You okay?” She asked as he parked and cut the engine once more.

“Yeah, I’m alright, why?” Nick asked, giving her a smile he’d perfected long ago. It wasn’t real, but few could tell.

“You just seem distracted is all.”

“Just tired, been busy.” The two walked inside, and he glanced around once again at the beautiful entryway. The high ceilings, and the beautiful white marble floors. Two dogs started barking and running down the hall. A small pug and a larger akita came to greet them, barking incessantly as Nick bent down to pet them.

“Baby Doll! You need to shush!” He could hear BJ yell as she ran up to the snowy white akita, grabbing the collar to calm her down. Nick stood, chuckling a bit.

“Hey BJ.” He smiled, moving to give her a hug.

“Nick.” She just nodded. Despite the fact him getting the family to intervene and force her into rehab four years before, had been what saved her, she never forgave him for it. Even though her sobriety enabled her to run the diner efficiently, and that she’d even met her husband at the clinic, Nick was seen as the enemy ever since. As the years went by, she grew more and more like their mother in both looks and personality.

“How’s Jake?” He asked, he actually liked the man she married and the stability he gave her.

“Okay, he wanted to come, but someone had to mind the diner.” This they both knew was a lie, but they both ignored it.

Feels awkward and distant as hell. Yup, I’m back with the family.

They followed her into the living room with the dogs. “Where’s Leslie?” Angel asked BJ, sharing a look with her older brother.

“In the kitchen with mom.”

Nick raised a brow. “They’re trying to cook?”

“They’re going through take out menus.”

He nodded as he made his way down the halls towards the kitchen. Seeing some pictures upon the walls, he made himself stop to look at them. Pictures of Aaron and Angel together, he grinned a little. Jane had always dressed the two alike when they were younger, for the fun of it. There were plenty of the two together, and even more of Aaron alone as he grew up. The ones of Angel were far fewer in comparison. A picture of Leslie caught his attention next, of her at the age of nine, singing into a microphone wearing a Spice Girls t-shirt. His smile grew, she was always like him in that way, with a love for the music. Pictures of BJ were also set on the wall, one that he eyed in particular was one of her with the E-Z-Bake oven he loved to steal from her when they were kids. He glanced around, and he once again felt the sour disappointment when he noticed there was none of him. Not one picture of Nick was on the walls, his jaw set irritably. Jane was never going to forgive him for cutting her off, refusing to send her money five years before, when he’d finally hit his limit on being used. That was when the contact truly ceased, and he learned what his family really was.

Not that she ever stopped asking. He was an ATM, rather than a son.

I shouldn’t have done this. Maybe I can run while I still can, go see a movie. Or buy some fireworks to set off along the beach. Or…just drive to AJ’s.

“Nick!” Leslie cried, as she walked over to hug him. Nick hugged her back as well. He never really understood Leslie, her way of keeping herself away from the family but then expecting them all to know and understand her like she didn’t.

“Hey, how are Mike and Jackson?”

“They’re okay…” She read the look on Nick’s face. She always could, and Nick always blamed that on the fact that they looked more like twins. She was him in female form, looks wise, always reminding him that there was no way he was adopted. No matter how many times he wished he was. “I should’ve had them come with me. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay…”

Jane Carter glanced over from the menus they were sorting through. Nick stared at her, he wanted to go to her. He wanted to hug her, to feel like she was finally his mother again. He wanted so badly to just have some semblance of what he had before the fame, before the auditions, that he once had with her. Instead, he forced on a smile. “Hey mom.”

She said nothing, just nodded and went back to what she was doing. Angel came into the room at that moment, glancing around. No one said anything, as tension thickened the air. The awkward silence got to Nick, and he couldn’t handle it. Not then, being treated as the invisible one yet again by his mother and one of his sisters. “I’m going outside.”

He could hear Angel tear into Jane the moment he started walking away and back down the hall. “Mom! You’re not even going to say hi to him?”

“He ignored us at Christmas, I can ignore him.”

“Oh my God, he didn’t ignore us mom! I didn’t want to come either! I just didn’t have a good excuse like he did!”

“Oh, so now you think you’re too good for us too Angel!” He heard BJ yell as she must’ve entered the kitchen.

“You know what? Yes, yes I do. This isn’t a family, it’s a damn circus. You guys can run to Nick when you’re in debt or whatever. But God forbid you guys treat him like he’s part of this family. And then you wonder why he won’t come home for Christmas?!” His heart swelled at his baby sister defending him so fiercely. He walked back into the kitchen, where the yelling continued.

“Listen Angel-“

“Enough alright!” Nick bellowed. “You don’t want me here? Fuck it, I’m out. I’m done. Done. I’m sick of trying with you guys.” He turned to look at Angel, who was watching him sadly. “I’ll call you later okay?”

Nick stormed out of the house. The night stars twinkled above him as he got into the car and turned up the radio full blast. He didn’t know what was playing, wasn’t paying enough attention. He didn’t really care. He revved the engine, peeling out of the driveway and through the gate. He felt the tears threaten to fall, but they stayed where they were. Nick needed his emotions in check, something that had become far harder to do this year.

Why did I bother? They fucking just don’t give a damn. Why the hell do I? Beyond Angel, why should I even care about them? They don’t about me. Not unless they want something. They don’t care. They just don’t fucking care. That was when it hit him.

Aaron was the one who hadn’t even cared enough to bother showing up.

Chapter Fifteen

“YOOT! A day off!” Nick cheered as he and AJ got into a rental car. They were back on tour, making their way across Europe over the past couple weeks. Nick had been trying to find a way to tell him and Howie just what was going on. The first thing they’d noticed, was that Nick and Brian seemed to be okay again. Like Brian predicted, they knew he knew now.

“What is yoot?”

“A combo deal of yay and woot.” Nick replied like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “And the only word able to show my joy from an actual day off.”

“Okay then…heh, we better enjoy it.”

“Definitely.”

Because of this, Nick knew he’d have to tell them soon. He couldn’t handle the idea of telling them both at the same time however. Instead, he decided today would be a day to bond with the second youngest member of the group, and a chance to tell him. The relationship he had with AJ had always been a complicated one. They’d been the two who didn’t really know life without fame, they’d never been given a chance to know, given the age they were when they started performing. And then when the group formed, Nick had been only twelve, AJ had been fourteen. Hardly old enough to know how life worked outside of fame, and to know how to live with it without being sucked in and destroyed by it.

It had been for this reason; they’d been the two who struggled with it all. The reason why they’d bonded over their late night outings, the drugs, and the alcohol. It’d been why Nick had been the most shaken up when AJ went into rehab. Not to mention why Nick continued to struggle with it and unable to learn from watching AJ alone, thinking he was different, he was okay, because this was what he knew and he could handle it. When both of them had finally cleaned up their acts, it would still feel weird from time to time, hanging out with just each other. Because when they had been so young, that had been their link. Sure, these days they had more, but everything still went back to that. So as always, it rose to the forefront of Nick’s mind.

But because of their history, Nick felt AJ would be the one who never suspected drugs. Perhaps alcohol, but not drugs. And even the alcohol not to extent of what had been Brian’s suspected before he learned the truth. AJ knew the signs better than anyone, and while Nick had been acting suspicious, it wasn’t suspicious in relation to that.

“Nick?” AJ called, snapping him back to attention as they drove down the roads of Berlin. They had a show tomorrow and wouldn’t have another day off for a good two weeks, so this outing had to count. He refused to tell them when they had a show the same night. No need to affect the performance.

“Sorry, I’m here.”

A smirk emerged on his friend’s face. “You sure? You’ve been damn out of it lately. You’ve become more of a space cadet than Lance Bass.”

“I’m alright. Just tired from touring.”

AJ gave him a look. Nothing like one Kevin could give, but it clearly expressed the who do you think you’re kidding thought that was running through his mind. “Alright then.” But that was the thing about him, normally, he’d let it go. He’d make it clear he thought something wasn’t right, but without getting too aggressive about it, unlike Brian, Kevin, and Howie who got forceful each and every time. It was refreshing in a sense, but it also made him feel guilty.

“So where do you wanna go?”

AJ shrugged. “No idea, this was your brilliant plan remember?”

Nick glanced out the window, looking for ideas. Then, something came into view, something he hadn’t done in some time. He grinned. “How’s an amusement park sound? I can’t bring Brian ever cause he still can’t handle rollercoasters.” It was true, while both he and Brian had a deathly fear of heights; Nick’s didn’t go as far as rides. Brian’s did. He couldn’t explain really why rides were the exception to the rule for him, they just were. He always attributed it to the fact he was at least strapped down on a ride, giving a sense of safety.

“Looks more like a carnival.” AJ shuddered, while Nick snickered.

“Not worried about clowns are ya?”

“Clowns are fucking freaky alright?”

Nick pulled into the parking lot, cruising around in search for a decent spot. He started laughing again, seeing the look on his band mate’s face. It was an amusing mix of dead pan seriousness and panic at the idea of encountering a clown. “Fucking hell this place is packed.”

“You think we’ll be recognized?”

Finally pulling into a spot, Nick parked and cut the engine. He turned and stretched his arm into the backseat to grab two baseball caps, and large sunglasses. He handed one of each to AJ. “I don’t know, but just in case.”

AJ laughed. “I might be recognized easier cause of these.” He joked as he put them on.

The two got out of the car, making their way towards what Nick realized was closer to a carnival, like AJ had said. They walked together, an awkward silence hanging between them. While he could do this with Kevin and feel at ease, with AJ it was different. Normally, both of them were talkers. Neither liked silence, and so usually if one grew between the two of them, it was because of words both sides were afraid to say.

Once they were on the grounds, Nick felt himself beam happily. He always got like that around theme parks, carnivals, fairs, you name it. It brought back that inner child that never actually got to be a kid when he actually was one. Growing up it’d been nonstop auditions, and then once in the group, nonstop working. So when he came to places such as this, it just made him content to act like a silly kid, and not worry about who was watching. AJ he always guessed felt the same as him, seeing as his actions usually were similar to his own.

“Dude, bet I can do better than you at the test your strength.” AJ pointed. It was the typical attraction, the standard for any carnival. Even in Germany, where they both expected things to differ a bit.

The two ran over, resembling more little kids than men in their mid to late thirties. The man at the stand was calling people over, but in German. Despite all their travels, the two only knew basic phrases. Nick’s best one was along the lines of “You’re a beautiful girl”; it was something he’d set out to learn for clubbing purposes when he had only been eighteen.

AJ took the hammer first, stepping up. He swung it around a bit, to feel its weight in his hands. Nick watched, amused. We’re gonna have fun just long enough for me to fuck it up by telling him. He knew this, but what else could he do? Reality had hit, he had to let him know. But there was still that part - that inner child wanting so badly to have its fun, that screamed in protest. Out of fear, out of that desperate need to keep everyone he loved happy for as long as he could.

His friend slammed the device as hard as he could, and grabbed Nick’s attention once more. The plug rose about two thirds of the way up, before falling right back down. The German carnie tried to console him, but was unable to do so in any intelligible English, causing him to laugh at the confused look on AJ’s face.

“Bet I still do better than you.”

A brow quirked as Nick grabbed the hammer. “A bet huh? Okay, what are the terms?”

“If I win, you have to dye your hair hot pink, and leave it that way for the rest of the tour.”

“Oh if you’re getting that, I better get something better.”

“Name it.”

“You…” An almost evil look came upon Nick’s normally deceivingly innocent face. “have to go get your face painted.”

“That’s it?”

“As a clown.”

“Dude!”

Nick smirked. “Is it a bet?”

AJ glanced him over, and Nick knew he was judging his odds right then and there. “You’re on.”

The two shook on it as Nick headed over. He felt the weight of it in his hands, and gazed upwards to see how high it would have to go to beat AJ’s. Nodding to himself, he swung down, hard as he could. He wondered if he could just do this all day, beat the frustration out. The plug rose, and rose, came close to where AJ’s had been. Nick’s face fell when he saw it started to fall only five inches below where AJ’s went.

“YES! You know Nick; pink is totally the new green.”

“Gee thanks.”

“We’ll have to stop for the dye on the way back man.” AJ couldn’t stop laughing. “Wait till the guys see your new do…”

“Hey at least I have hair to kill” Nick joked good naturedly.

Instead of being mad, Nick found himself cracking up. The reactions of the fans would be worth any suffering he’d be doing at the mercy of his pink hair. He handed the hammer back over to the man working the stand, and walked through the park. AJ was practically skipping. He couldn’t tell if it was a victory dance, or a dance of relief at not having to be made up as his greatest fear.

I’m never gonna understand that clown phobia. AJ’s so weird.

Nick grinned when he found the reason he wanted to come there. The rollercoaster raced over the tracks, a chorus of screams not too far away. His eyes met AJ’s. “Rollercoaster?”

“Do you even have to ask?”

The two ran again for the rollercoaster, getting to the front of the line in no time. Nick sat in the front cab, and AJ climbed in beside him. As per the request of the ride operators, they took off their hats and shades, and just hoped no one would spot them. They were getting strapped in, and Nick just sighed. He wasn’t going to be able to keep putting this off all day. The anticipation alone would kill the good mood of the day.

“Alright, start talking. I don’t know what the fuck’s gotten in your cheerios lately, but something has. I know it ain’t drugs, and you have your shit together. But something’s up.”

Nick looked the other way, trying to find the words that he could never find. The bar fell into place, locking in front of them. Nick gripped it as the ride began. The car went down the tracks slowly as it started its ascent. “You’re right there is.”

“So what is it?”

“You don’t want to know.”

“The hell I don’t.”

The ride continued its steady climb. “That’s what Brian and Kevin said too. I can tell they wish they didn’t know now.”

“I knew they knew! Come on Nick, enough with the hiding shit! You’ve been spacey, spastic -more than usual I mean- you’re forgetting shit you’ve been doing for ages. You’re keeping to yourself. Just say it man! I can handle it.”

The ride came to a sudden halt, looking over the entire carnival grounds. Nick could see people blissfully wandering the park. He could see the kids enjoying their childhood freedom in a way he never could. He could see everything his life could have had, but did not and never could. He looked over at AJ. He stared into the expressive eyes that always held emotions his friend could never hide.

“I got diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.”

Before Nick could receive a reply, the rollercoaster rapidly dove down the tracks, leaving everything else behind. Those around him shrieked with delight. Nick and AJ made no noise at all.

Instead, all their screaming was on the inside.

Chapter Sixteen

“We should talk.”

“Shhh, I’m trying to work here.”

“But-"

“Shhh!”

“AJ about my-”

“We’re not talking about this man.”

“Dude, look-”

AJ’s hands ran through Nick’s scalp as he mixed the pink dye into his hair. Nick glanced up in the mirror, just in time for AJ to shut his eyes in determination as he shook his head slightly. Nick rolled his eyes, tilting his head back over the sink he sat in front of so AJ could do his work. After his revelation on the rollercoaster, the rest of the day was being spent in a world of pointless denial. They tried going on other rides afterwards, but the day had been ruined. The ride home had been quiet and uneventful till AJ declared they still needed to get the dye so he could do Nick’s hair when they got back. Anytime Nick tried to explain, he cut him off, every single time.

“Look at what? How much like that idiot Perez you’ll look when I’m done?” A forced laugh followed. “I already know.”

Before Nick could even attempt to move, AJ forced his head back further, making sure the dye was applied evenly. Nick sighed. “Dammit dude, I-”

“You know man; it’d be easier if you just relaxed while I did this.”

“Fine, fuck it; you want to pretend it’s not happening. Go ahead. I’ve already joined that club, won the t-shirt, starred in the commercial, and even designed the damn mascot. In fact, I even went and changed my middle name to denial!”

“So I was thinking about the next album…”

Instead of fighting it, Nick simply nodded. He knew he shouldn’t be getting upset at AJ. Not for doing the exact same thing he had attempted to do when he was diagnosed. Still, he felt hurt by his friend’s refusal to acknowledge what was happening to him. Nick wasn’t sure why. Maybe it was because AJ was able to play denial if he wanted. Or maybe it was because he knew if AJ did do that, it would just be that much less support then. Nick hated even thinking about it, but the fact was that he could use all that he could get.

“Yeah?” he asked, leaving his thoughts where they belonged, in his own traitorous mind.

AJ nodded, rising the excess dye out of his hair. Nick shut his eyes. It helped, really, because then he could pretend far easier that this was just another day on tour. That he hadn’t just confessed something vital, that he wasn’t slowly fading away. Shutting his eyes, helped him shut out reality, the way AJ wanted it. In all honesty, it was the way he wanted it too. The difference was Nick had hit the point where he knew that wasn’t going to happen. At least not till he couldn’t remember anything, so that the point was moot.

“Yeah, I’m thinking let’s get crazy, really break some boundaries.”

Nick chuckled; trying his best to act like nothing was wrong, the way AJ wanted it. “Are there any left for you to break?”

“Man, haven’t you learned from me yet? There are always boundaries to tear down, rules to break, and ways to shake everything up.”

“Wisdom from the king of mani-pedis."

“Shit, just because I’m rebellious and wise, don’t mean I can’t look good.”

The sink was turned off and AJ set to dry off his hair. He toweled it first, before beginning to blow dry. Nothing was said between them, leading once again to an awkward silence Nick didn’t know how to feel. So, Nick laughed to himself at the image of the two of them; it was stuff like this he knew caused others to believe they were all gay.

If a picture of this got on the internet, it would just feed the flame. Ha! Flame. Flaming. He snickered silently at the pun in his head.

The blow-dryer was shut off, and AJ spun the chair around. Nick stared at himself in the mirror. He wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry at his own reflection. There, sitting with a shocked expression, was himself. He looked normal beyond the expression, as long as people didn’t look at the top of his head. There, fluffy and being spiked as AJ applied gel to style it, was his hair. It was like instead, he had mini glow sticks implanted to the top of his skull.

“You look…” AJ couldn’t even finish his sentence as he put the styling gel away, he was laughing too hard.

Nick glanced at him as he stood, wondering how exactly he could make this look cool rather than ridiculous. “The rest of the tour?”

“Yep.”

“That’s just cruel and unusual punishment.”

“You’re the one who agreed to it. You lost.”

Nick nodded, groaning. “Fuck.”

“Wait till the others see you!”

The others had no idea about the bet of course, or about Nick’s new hairdo. He chuckled, if nothing else, their reactions would be fun to watch. He brushed off some nonexistent dust, idly trying to find a way to talk to his friend without freaking him out again. A hand ran through his bubblegum colored hair, trying to tousle it just enough for his own liking.

“AJ…look about what I said at the park…”

“I already told you, I’m not talking about this. In fact you know what man? I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He practically ran off their tour bus, with Nick following closely behind him. He and AJ were sharing a bus for this leg, and Howie and Brian shared the other as their families weren’t coming out for this part of the tour. Nick was mentally cursing this fact at the moment, because now it was going to be that much harder with AJ’s current attitude if it continued.

“Come on man! You think I want to deal with this?”

“I’m going for a walk, I’ll see you later!” He called back behind him, not one glance back at him.

“AJ!”

AJ kept going, pulling out his cell phone and walking down the road away from where the busses were parked. Nick let him go, rolling his eyes. He suddenly wished he did have a show tonight, he could use the distraction. He turned and kicked the door of the nearest bus, angry at himself, angry at the situation, just angry in general. The door opened, and Brian was there, a small smile of amusement lit up his face as he came down the steps.

“Was the bus being mean to you or something?”

Nick looked at him, completely puzzled. “You heard me kick it?”

“Saw you through the window.”

“Oh.”

The two stared at each other. Neither blinked, it was a sudden staring war. Nick knew what Brian was fighting not to do. He also knew he’d lose that battle. Finally, Brian couldn’t hold it in anymore, he started laughing uncontrollably. The southern man clutched his stomach as the giggles continued to come, becoming higher pitched, louder and harder to stop. Soon, Nick was beginning to join in the amusement-fest. Nick could never resist laughing when Brian really got going. Cause his laughs went from normal to “hahehe-haheheeee!” and it always brought out his own infectious laughter. Sometimes when the two got started, they couldn’t stop till their stomachs hurt. This was starting to look like one of those times.

“What…is…with…your…hair?!”

Nick smirked. “Don’t you know Brian? Pink is all the raaaage in Japan. I have to be totally chic.” He flipped his hand over effeminately, laughing at himself.

“Oh honey…” The shorter man walked over, running his hand affectionately through his hair. “This is definitely your color. It’s so…FAB-U-LOUS!”

He cracked up, pulling away. “You scare me sometimes man. Nah, I lost a bet.”

“Nice.” He eyed Nick carefully, and he knew Brian was just trying to figure out how best to ask about AJ. Of everyone, he knew Brian was taking it the best, and he was including himself into that as well. He wasn’t sure why. Was it because of Brian’s unwavering faith? Was it because Brian was the biggest optimist he’d ever known? Kevin was handling it, but Nick couldn’t see how he coped daily since he was back in the states, still doing his run on Rent. He knew how he was though, and guessed Kevin was putting on a strong face for his sake. One he appreciated more than Kevin would ever know.

Oddly, his mind went to his therapist as well. It had been awhile since he talked with her, and felt the urge to call her up later. Maybe talking about everything actually would do some good. At this point, he was running out of options. Couldn’t hurt, could it?

“Nick?”

He blinked, coming back to reality. He hated the way he spaced out more these days. “Sorry. I bet you’re wondering about the pink hair right? I lost a bet to AJ, heh.”

Brian’s brow creased as he watched him. “I know; we were joking about it ten minutes ago, remember? You spaced out a bit.”

Nick felt like screaming, he hated this. He was lately experiencing more and more this feeling of confusion where he couldn’t connect like everyone else. It made him feel like an outsider and he hated it. Every single bit of it.

“No! That’s my damn problem.” He softened when he saw the look on his best friend’s face. The one who was sticking by him despite everything, always had, and from the looks of it, he always would. Nick knew he’d been lucky the day Kevin called his cousin to have him join the Backstreet Boys.

“It’s okay.” He wrapped his arm around Nick, leading him back to the bus where they sat on the ground, their backs resting against it. It was almost peaceful. Nick rest his head on Brian’s shoulder, sighing.

“How’d AJ take it?”

“According to him, it’s not happening. I wish he was right.”

The two sat there silently, Brian patting his back. He didn’t tell Nick it’d be okay, and he was thankful. He didn’t try to lie to Nick, or give false hope that would just disappear like popping bubbles. In fact, he said nothing. All he did was rub his back soothingly, and ignored the fact that Nick’s eyes shined from unshed tears.

And he was thankful.

Chapter Seventeen

Nick was in the studio yet again for another session. This time, they were in England, but he’d heard one of his favorite Swedish producers had been in the area. So of course, he had to give him a call and set something up. Rami Yacoub has been part of many of their hits throughout the years as a group, and even helped Nick with his second solo album. It felt right, going to him for the last album. He sat at the soundboard, a smirk resting upon his otherwise neutral face. Nick looked over at him, and knew he was nailing it.


Money’s the only love there is
Fame’s the only attention you see
One dollar, two dollars, three dollars, four
Oops I meant kids…
Walking out the door

Yelling, screaming, here we go again
Just another day at the family reunion
Do they hate me?
Do they love me?
I don’t think I wanna know anymore

Yelling, screaming, here we go again…
Just another daaaaay…
Just another daaaaay…
At the family reunion
Do they love me?
Do they hate me?
I don’t give a damn anymore.


Nick closed his eyes, fighting the emotion that came with this song. He knew this would be the last solo record he’d ever do. If he was going to let it out, he knew it would have to be now. This was the last song he’d penned for the album; all the others he wanted were recorded. It was also one of the most personal songs he’d ever written. It would let the fans into the disaster he tried to keep hidden, especially after his reality show debacle. The last attempt he’d made at fixing his family flashed through his mind. He’d never be able to have a stable family, and it stung more than he would ever admit. It was because of that he was always thankful for the fellas, if not for them, he was sure he’d have lost his sanity by now.

And no matter what he sang, he still cared. It still hurt.

His lips almost touched the mike as the last notes played. “You hear that? I don’t give a damn anymore.” He almost whispered, before stepping back. Nick was trying to convince himself more than anyone else right then.

“That was fantastic Nick! I’ve never heard you go that deep.”

Nick smiled a bit, walking out of the booth as he pulled off the headphones. “Vocally or lyrically man?”

“A bit of both.”

“You got what you need?”

“I’ll send you the finished product once I’m done and see what you think. Can’t wait till you do this again.”

The two embraced as Nick inwardly sighed. It wasn’t going to happen again. Still, he said nothing. It had become standard and he was going to be talking enough that day anyway. It was the day he knew he had to tell Howie. Well, technically he knew he didn’t have to, but it was one of their rare days off, and he knew he may not get another solid chance at this for awhile. In fact, he’d told Howie to stop by the studio he’d reserved time in, after he was done recording. He wanted to connect with him, and he wanted to come clean.

“You’ll be one of the first ones I call. I’ll hit ya up later alright?”

“Sounds good!”

It was hard hiding from the world. It tore him apart that he was still hiding it from one of them men he considered his brothers. He waved as he walked down the halls of the building, passing various recording studios as he did. Nick had been talking to management a lot lately, planning the release of the album. There was only one thing that was keeping it from having an actual release date.

A plan.

See, this album was different from his previous two. This one, he wanted to tie into another project. He knew he wanted to leave more behind, to start that organization he’d been wanting to do for years. Ever since his last one fell through actually. And Nick even knew what he wanted to do with the nonprofit. It was just how to do it, that was stumping him. His first one, the one he’d done when he was just a kid, had been set up for him by Kevin. He'd used his own organization to launch Nick’s as a subsection. He smiled fondly, thinking of his old ocean campaign, and the way he’d made Kevin so proud of him as he worked on that.

Maybe this time, I can work on this with Brian… He knew he couldn’t do this alone. Someone had to help him, and someone had to run it when he no longer could. Nick had no guaranteed time slot before everything was lost. That five year window Dr. Hansen had given him was only a guesstimate, and even so he was already only two and a half months from the first year having gone by. It was the beginning of spring, mid March, and Nick felt the time fleeing from him at a quicker pace than he’d have liked.

Regardless of the fact AJ had known for almost a month now, he was as deep in denial as ever. Brian had tried to talk to him. Even Kevin had tried to call and intervene, knowing Nick and AJ needed him. Nothing had done any good as of late. AJ would either talk to him as if all was well, or he would go silent and pretend Nick didn’t exist any time he tried to broach the subject.

His phone vibrated against his leg from within his pocket, before blaring the Macarena song. Nick smiled a bit. That was his ringtone for Howie, which of course, he hated from the moment he learned Nick had set that for him.

“Hooooowwwwwiiiiiie!” He cried into the phone, sounding playful and upbeat as he shoved his darker thoughts aside.

“I’m outside man, where are you?”

“Shit, I’m coming!”

****

“I cannot believe we’re at the petting zoo.”

The two walked through the petting zoo that had actually been a bit difficult to find there in London. But the idea had been Nick’s and he’d stubbornly refused to get out of the car unless Howie had tracked down a petting zoo. The older Backstreet Boy had never been able to understand the youngest member of the group and decided now wasn’t the time to resume a mission he’d long ago dropped.

“Aww come on! This is fun.” Nick grinned as they approached a small pen with several baby goats inside, coming over to see them. He laughed as one in particular bleated at him hopefully. That one, warmed up to Nick, remaining there as the other two wandered to the other people standing at the other side of the pen.

“I’ll say it again; I can’t believe you wanted to go to the petting zoo on our day off.”

“Hey now, I spent my morning recording. This is a good way to chillax man.” He pulled out his Blackberry, taking a picture of the goat and immersed in his phone for a few minutes.

Howie raised a brow at him. “Nick, what are you doing?”

“Tweeting… see?” He handed over the phone to Howie so that he could see.

hey peeps look, its kid nicky!
4:53 PM March 13th via Twitpic

And there, once Howie clicked on the link, was a picture of the goat that was happily being petted by Nick once again. He handed the phone back to his friend, laughing to himself. “You’re such a nerd.”

“But you love me!” Nick couldn’t be happier, he loved animals, their innocence and their way of love without judgment. It was something he always felt people could learn from them, really. It took Nick a long time to realize he’d been one of the people who needed to learn it. Of course, when he did, that had been when only a few years later, he’d been given his death sentence. He snapped one more picture, this time catching himself with the goat so that he could post it later.

“You know how many times I question why?” Howie teased, nudging Nick so that they could let the kids behind them up close to see.

The two continued to walk, calmly, towards the other animals. In other circumstances Nick would’ve been more excited, he knew. He’d be hyper and running around like he was a little kid again. He’d have been so excited to do something he’d never been given a chance to do as a kid. There were so many times Nick wanted to relive his childhood now that he was grown, and could.

“There’s a reason why I wanted to bond today.”

The Latin man smirked, running a hand through his slowly thinning hair. He still had the most hair in the group, after Nick of course. However, as the years went by, he grew more paranoid about it. He sighed a bit, and Nick immediately knew why. It sucked, getting old.

“Cause AJ’s sick of ya, all that time sharing a bus… and Brian wanted to web chat with his family? And because you got really really bored.”

“Well, yeah… there’s that. But there’s something else too.” He led Howie off to a corner, where not many people could be within hearing reach. As of yet, no one recognized them. Nick had hidden his bubblegum pink hair underneath a Celtics hat. Still, he didn’t need to risk it.

“So what’s up?”

“Well… you know I’ve been acting weird.”

“You always act weird.”

“You know what I mean!”

A smirk twitched at the corners of Howie’s mouth. “Hey I’m right though. But this is about that thing Brian and Kevin know isn’t it?”

Nick nodded. “And AJ… though AJ’s wishing he didn’t know right now.”

“Nick, what are you trying to say?”

“Something you really don’t want to hear. I didn’t want to tell you this soon, but I couldn’t keep it from Kevin. Then you guys realized I was acting funky. So then Brian found out, and now it’s just gotten to this mess I didn’t think you guys deserved…”

“Nick.”

“And I can barely deal with it myself! So asking you guys to try to fucking deal ain’t fair. But I need you to, and AJ’s pissing me off lately cause I need his ass just like I need yours, and Brian’s and Kevin’s. I know my so called real family except Angel won’t do shit for me… so I ain’t got a choice…”

“Nick.”

“I just, I don’t know how to fucking cope. I keep asking why me, I keep fucking getting mad, and just… don’t know what to do with myself. So I’m sorry I gotta do this D, you don’t need it and-”

“Nick! You’re rambling. You only ramble when you’re nervous. What are you trying to tell me?”

Nick steadied himself as he stared into the concerned eyes of his friend. A lot of people underestimated Howie. The fans, his casual friends outside the group, his family, all of them underestimated him. They didn’t know how loyally he protected him over the years, coming second only to Kevin. They didn’t know about his cheesy sense of humor always coming up when it needed to, to comfort Nick when he was at his lowest. They didn’t know about the fact that the real reason Howie used to club so much, was to keep an eye on Nick and AJ. Howie did so much, gave so much, and no one ever knew. They let him stay in the shadows, a forgotten member of the group most of the time.

He embraced him, suddenly having the hardest time forming the actual words. It hadn’t been this hard with AJ, and even Kevin, the words had come out easier than he’d have thought. Brian had found out by accident. So why couldn’t he just vocalize the thought and finally say it to Howie?

Howie patted his back, hugging him back tightly. “You’ve got me scared now. What’s wrong?”

Nick buried his head into his friend’s shoulder and uttered the words that had destroyed his life. Even though he was taller, he suddenly felt safer. Howie stiffened, and he knew his friend had heard what he said. Neither said anything more.

Everything that needed to be said, was expressed as the embrace tightened.

Chapter Eighteen

When they returned that night, not much was said. The car ride had been silent, and long, similar to the one he’d had with AJ after telling him. He couldn’t really blame Howie, the man had always been considered to be “the quiet one” on normal days, without any help. Nick knew it was nothing personal in this case. It wasn’t denial, and it wasn’t anger. Howie simply needed time to really take it in, to really absorb the situation before he could begin to truly handle it.

The car sped down the highway, rain pitter-pattering against the windows. Nick smirked, thinking of a solo song AJ had done five years prior. He sighed as he sang softly, almost inaudibly.

“Now I miss the sun, but as long as I’m with you… it’s just another rainy day in London…”

He stayed within his own musings, dreaming up ways to escape the reality he was trapped in. He thought of the way he’d come to be, as well as the way he’d never be. Nick reflected on the fans, wondered how he’d tell them. And when. They did deserve to know, they’d been so loyal over the years, and the group had always been open with them. Almost to a fault, in fact.

“So what’s your plan?” Howie asked, jerking him forcibly out of his reverie.

He turned back towards him, watching him instead of the rainy streets of London. “What do you mean?”

“I mean when you…”

Nick quirked a brow. “Become an invalid, empty-headed, a blank slate, become the literal version of a what-cha-ma-call-it…oh! Tabula rasa?”

He could feel Howie’s stare as he once again stared out the window. They came up to the five star hotel they were staying at that night. It felt good not to be sleeping in a tour bus for once. A mob of fans were waiting, and Nick immediately was thrown back in time, where he’d only been a teenager thrust into the hot lights of fame. Now, the mob was a bit smaller, but still just as hyped up as they’d been back then. Security was making their way through the crowds, and as they did, Nick looked back over at Howie as he cut the engine.

“Too harsh?”

He watched his friend sigh sadly. “A bit.”

“Sorry, I’ve gotten used to it. And I gotta be all cynical while I can ya know?”

“So…your plan? You never answered.”

Nick shrugged as he stepped out of the car. “Don’t have one yet.”

He let himself get swallowed by the mob as security led him through. He smiled at all the attention, hugged fans as he passed. Nick couldn’t keep the grin off his face, despite the situation, and despite what he’d just told Howie. Sometimes, just knowing so many people loved you, loved your music, and was able to lift Nick on such a high.

I wonder if I’ll be able to miss it when my mind’s gone.

Right then, he supposed it didn’t matter, did it? He could see Howie laugh at him as he took a fan’s fedora and placed it on his head backwards, posting for a picture happily with a group of girls.

“Nick, what’s with the pink hair? We’ve been wondering.” A fan asked.

“Hey didn’t y’all know? Pink’s the new blonde!”

He had to live in the moment, whenever he could.

****

A couple nights later, Nick was looking over the promotional shots for his album. He’d been scheduling them with Jenn around the tour dates and now that the final song had been recorded, he needed to start picking what he wanted. Songs, photos, everything. None of the pictures were making him happy enough to actually use for the album booklet. He flipped through some photos, smiling as he settled on one he took at the beach just before he got diagnosed.

“Maybe I should just take myself out of it…” It was a beautiful shot, footprints he’d made going along the beach being taken over by the waves as they crashed against the shore. The sun had begun to set, casting a lovely hue upon the water. He’d been at the end, staring off into the ocean. The idea of using it without showing himself struck him as fitting.

Nick set it aside.

He pondered what Howie had been getting at the other day. He did need a plan. As much as it hurt, Nick knew that beyond Angel, his family would be the type to take advantage of his state once it got further along and use that to get whatever they wanted. Nick, not knowing better by then, would do it too. The whole thought hurt more than he’d ever say, but the fact was, it was truth at its barest form. He also knew the boys would try and figure out a plan for Nick and then come to him with it, that that was why they’d left him alone mostly since he told Howie. He loved them for it, but he needed to figure it all out on his own.

Before the tears could even think of coming, he grabbed his laptop. The producers were supposed to start sending the final mixes his way so he could start sorting through them and pick what he wanted. He’d send it then to the A&R rep for approval, and run it by Jenn as well. There was supposed to be a meeting about his plans for the album and finalizations within the next couple weeks. It meant Nick needed to have everything laid out by then. He’d have to talk to Brian about his plans for a nonprofit by the end of the week, see if he couldn’t make it happen.

He checked his email and smiled, there they were, waiting for him they way they were supposed to be. All except for the track he’d recorded today of course, and to be honest, Nick already knew he was going to keep it. It was one of the most brutally honest songs he’d ever sang or written. If he was going to lay it all out there, now was the time.

He screened through the titles waiting for him once he saved them onto his computer. He’d be sure to send a copy of what didn’t make it to one of the fellas. They could maybe release them years from now, a final gift to the fans who loved him so. He never understood fully why, but he loved their love all the same. His attention returned back to the song files before him.

I Did It For You
Can You Feel Me?
Scream
Forgive Me
Don’t Wanna Leave Today
Faded
Thrill Ride
Letting Go
Shadow Lane
Breathe You In
Crazy
Story Of My Life
Sunrise, Sunset
Fine Line (Between Love and Hate)
Family Reunion
Living Free
Never Gonna Be
Forget Me Not

He clicked on “Forget Me Not”, a song he figured he’d keep from the beginning. Still, it was another song that had been him, stripped down completely. Even the production kept everything simple. Nick had wanted his voice, an acoustic guitar, and that was it. Simple, emotional, and bare. What it left was a song that haunted him, and would show the world what he’d been hiding. The song began to play.

I know it’s not fair
I know it’s not right
To abandon the world
With no reason why

Just know when I’m gone,
When I think back to us,
I know the tears will come.
Memories will fade with time
But the pain never stops

Will you be able to think of me
And all we’ve been through
Will you keep me in your heart…
Even if I won’t do it for you?

When I leave this life behind
And I go this whole new way
Will you remember me some day
And forget me not…
Forget me not…

After it’s all said and done…
And I’ve gone so far away…
Can you keep me in your heart
And forget me not…
Forget me not

A knock on the door interrupted him, causing him to stop playing the song. He climbed up off the bed and headed to the door. There, waiting, was AJ. He stepped back, opening the door a bit more trying to hide his own surprise. AJ was staring more at the floor, rubbing the top of his bald head self consciously.

“What’s up?”

AJ shrugged. “I was talking to Howie, and I don’t know man… I thought I’d…”

Nick nodded. “Come on in dude, I’m just trying to figure out shit for the solo record.”

The two sat on the bed, and AJ leaned over to look at the laptop. “I didn’t know you were this far along man, damn.”

“Yeah, I feel like I’m rushing a bit. But I…” he trailed off. With AJ, he knew he had to be careful. He was still so touchy about even the mention of Nick’s condition; with his denial going full speed ahead. It stung every time AJ was around him. Their relationship had always been a bit of a strange one, but he valued it highly. It was like they were two halves of the same coin, both affected by the same problems, each coming out differently because of it. Even though he’d always been closest to Brian, sometimes it was like AJ understood him better. At a time he needed so badly to be understood, it hurt having AJ reject him the way he had been.

“So you’re trying to pick songs?”

“Yeah, I’ve got a few, but the rest… I don’t know yet.” The two sat in an awkward silence, so much unsaid that needed to be uttered, but both were two afraid to do so.

“Hey Nick?”

“Yeah Aje?”

“Dude, I’m…”

Nick smiled, he knew what he was about to say. Suddenly, he realized he didn’t need to hear it. He knew AJ was feeling bad about trying to deny what happened. He knew AJ hadn’t meant to hurt him; it was just that he was trying to avoid the pain himself. AJ was so much like an ostrich sometimes. That very fact was what had led AJ into alcohol, into the drugs, and all the other self destructive behaviors he’d been forced to battle over the years. It’d been what made him fight the idea of Kevin leaving the group. It wasn’t that AJ didn’t care; it was that he cared too much.

“It’s okay.”

“No, really…” the self proclaimed rebel shook his head, his dark brown eyes so expressive with the pain they held within.

“I mean it, we’re okay. Really.”

A moment of silence held between the two, neither knew just what to say. Then, AJ’s eyes brightened as he smiled. “So, you gotta let me hear what you came up with!”

“Alright, some of it’s a bit of a downer, because I decided to get hella truthful with it.”

“It’s about damn time. I’m tired of being the only emo one in the group.”

Nick laughed, clicking on a song to play. Things weren’t going to be okay. He’d known that since the beginning. The idea of being okay had been left behind him at the beginning. Still, they were going to cope. It was all they could do.

Chapter Nineteen

“No…no. Oh I am not doing this.”

“You already promised, we’re already here!”

“And I was having a slight moment of temporary insanity…”

“You already said you’d do it man.”

“Like you’ll remember if I back out.” A grin followed, albeit a nervous one.

Nick shot him a look as he laughed. “Not fair!”

Brian sighed as he looked around. “I have to do this, don’t I?”

“Yes…yes you do.”

“We can still back out.”

“Oh no, we’re here…we…we gotta do it now.”

They were on a bridge together, one far higher from than ground than either of them were comfortable with. The river below flowed in a steady stream, beckoned to them, called to their shared fear of heights as the sun shone brilliantly overhead. Each of them were strapped securely to bungee cords and fretfully questioning their decision to do this.

It had been Nick’s idea, of course.

If Nick was honest with himself, he had bet that Brian would’ve bailed long before they’d ever arrived. In fact he’d almost counted on it. This had been an idea borne upon a depressive night, one where he had felt reckless as a result of everything. If Brian had backed out, instead of agreeing, then he could’ve done so also. Of course if asked, he’d lie, say he did, and kept face with the others, who all thought they had lost their minds. Instead, Brian didn’t say anything till now, when it was too late.

“Are you two ready?” Marianne, their trained operator, yelled. She was very likely fed up with their forty-five minutes of dawdling.

“Why are we doing this again? Really Nick…tell me why….”

“Tell me whyyyyyyyy…” He sang back, laughing to hide the fact his heart was beating faster and harder than a tribal drum. “You said yes because you love me. Cause you’re Frick, I’m Frack, and we do crazy ass shit together.”

“Yeah, crazy, this is downright suicidal!”

“But you promised cause you looooooove me.” He teased. Keeping it light was keeping him from freaking out.

“Right.”

Nick watched his best friend, the person he was really doing this for. He’d be the one who would remember. He’d be the one who’d think back on this and laugh, or cry, or smile. Brian was the one who needed to face this fear just as much as Nick did, maybe then, what was to come would seem like nothing. Or, at least less frightening. That had been his original mission statement when he’d first been diagnosed. Even though he’d deviated completely from what he planned to do then, he still wanted to leave behind a trail of unforgettable memories for them to think of when they visited what was left in the not so far off future. After everything they’d all done for him, especially Brian, he felt they warranted at least that.

I never deserved anyone like Brian. I’m lucky to have him.

“Are you guys gonna do this finally?” Baylee called from beside Marianne. He was on spring break, so he came to spend the week with them while they were in Australia. Leighanne had stayed behind this time, to work on her Wylee orders. That was what she and Brian claimed. Nick had a hunch Brian had asked her to.

He still hadn’t managed to find a way to tell Baylee, or explain, or really even try approaching the subject. Kevin had done him a huge favor by telling Mason and Kristin himself. Lily and Lenni were too young to understand, and for that, Nick was thankful. The same was still true for James, though Howie had mentioned he’d tell him when Nick was further along something about it so he’d understand. Brian had told Leighanne; but he had said Baylee, Nick’s adopted son in almost every sense of the word, deserved Nick telling him himself. While it was true, Nick still felt the urge to dye Brian’s hair pink as revenge.

Plus, then they’d match.

Note to self – Ask AJ what type of dye he used so I can sneak it in Brian’s shampoo if I survive this.

“We’re ready!” Nick finally announced, firmly ignoring the panicked look on Brian’s paling face. He didn’t want to know how he looked; he assumed it was similar though. “You ready Frick?”

“Dear lord, please don’t kill me for listening to Nick. I know, I’m supposed to know better…but he’s my brother and I wanted to be here for him… but this is crazy, he’s crazy…so please don’t let me die..” His head was tilted upwards, his eyes tightly shut as his hands looked to be in prayer. Birds twittered above them happily, oblivious of the two men terrified out of their wits below them.

“HEY!”

Brian gave a smile as the two gazes met. They peered over the edge together, looked back at each other, and gulped silently. They nodded at Marianne, who motioned for them to step on the platform beside them. They did so, each looking more uncertain by the second. Baylee kept the video camera on them as he approached the railing of the bridge. The platform moved away from the bridge, as Marianne handled the controls. She gave an encouraging smile that neither Nick nor Brian could even attempt to return.

“Okay Boys, jump when ready!” They’d already double and triple checked the harness and bungee cord about thirty minutes before, when their dawdling and fears had suddenly intensified.

“We can do this.”

“Heights kill people Nick.”

“I know…but we can do this.”

“Are you trying to convince me, or yourself?”

“No idea.”

“On three?” They had decided to be strapped together as well, figuring if they died, they died together. The logic was morbid but comforting.

“One…” Nick thrust them both forward and they flew into the air.

“NICK THAT WASN’T THREE!!!”

“WHOOOOOOOO!” Nick screamed, feeling the rush and the fear and the excitement pounding through him as they plummeted down. They fell freely, and Nick felt relieved, despite the fact he was having one of his biggest fears foisted upon him. There was something to the risk that blocked everything else out. It felt fantastic. Everything around had become a blur to him as he focused in on the adrenaline rush that pumped through his system to give him the natural high he needed more than he’d realized.

“Don’t let me diiiiiiiiiiiiie!”

“Brian! Open your eyes! We’re okay!” Brian’s eyes shot open. They skipped around rapidly, randomly. “Oh…oh my god!” He yelled as they hit the end of the cord and bounced back high into the air.

“WOOOO-HOO! In my next life, I wanna be like a flying squirrel or something!”

“A flying squirrel? Really Nick?” From the tone of his voice, Nick was sure Brian was convinced he’d lost his mind.

“That was fucking wicked!” Nick screamed as they bounced on their cord like a human yo-yo.

“I’m…we’re…alive! Thank you Lord! I’ll never listen to Nick again!”

Nick smirked as he squeezed Brian in their strapped embrace. Despite Brian’s prayers and thanks for being alive, he could also see an insane exhilaration clearly written in his eyes. They were sparkling brightly with a love of life. “You loved it. I can see it.”

“We are never doing that again.” He reiterated, looking stern. Nick wanted to laugh; it looked like Brian was afraid of him coming up with more crazy adventures for the two of them to go on together.

“But you loved it.”

“Don’t tell anyone, okay?”

****

That night had him playing video games with Baylee in his hotel room. It felt like déjà-vu on so many levels. The most basic of them was him flashing back to their early years. Nick had only been sixteen at the oldest, Brian just having turned twenty-one. They’d only just begun, without a clue of the journey they’d been set upon. It was one that would carry them throughout their lives. They had no idea of what was to come, only that they were to expect the unexpected. Even then, they never could’ve guessed their futures. Now he was playing with Brian’s son, and the familiarity comforted him.

“Nick you are going DOWN! You don’t mess with the Rok!”

“Ha! Take that!” Baylee cried as he battled Nick’s character in the latest Mortal Kombat game. There had to be twenty of them out by now, and Nick remembered when the first one came out. He was pretty sure Leighanne would have kittens if she knew he was playing this with her thirteen year old son. Brian knew, but while Brian was a loving and caring father, he was the less restrictive parent. Probably because of his own experiences, if Nick had to guess.

Actually, if Leighanne knew half of what he knew Baylee kept from her, he was pretty sure she’d have a heart attack. And that was just from the Playboys he knew Baylee kept hidden within the floorboard beneath his bed. If he did anything worrisome, Nick knew to fill Brian in. But he knew it was all just harmless teenager stuff. Completely typical. Still, Leighanne was more of a helicopter parent in terms of protectiveness, so it was safer to only mention the big stuff.

“Oh no, see I’m the master. You don’t mess with the king; I’ve been doing this since before you were born!” His character started beating Baylee’s. “YOOT!”

“Just because you’re an old man, doesn’t make you all knowing and masterful!” Golden curls hung just above Baylee’s eyes as his mouth tensed in concentration.

“Oooh scary, I’m messing with an old man!”

Nick stared at him, forgetting the game just for a moment. “If I’m old, what’s your dad?”

Brian laughed. “If I’m old, then what’s Kevin?”

“Methuselah…just don’t tell him that.”

“Ancient. But don’t tell Kevin!”

Nick was left within his reverie, lost within the past for a few moments. Hearing his character die with agony was what brought him back into the present. Baylee was staring at him, looking so much like Brian then. Concern was written there, the crease in his forehead, the way his brows furrowed. It was like looking at a window into his own history, or at Brian reincarnate.

“You okay Uncle Nick?”

Nick laughed at off. “Yeah, just tired. Maybe I am getting old.” He glanced at the screen. “Damn, I demand a rematch.”

“Too late, you lost Pinky.”

“You, me, my room at midnight, after the show. We’re re-matching.”

“Is that a challenge?”

“Hell yeah it is.”

“You’re on.”

He tossed the controller aside, grinning. “Maybe we should die your hair pink.”

“No way!”

He tapped his chin with a chuckle, leaning back against the bed behind them. “You’re right, I don’t think pink’s your color. We should shave your head, get you a Mohawk and dye it blue…”

Baylee snickered. “I don’t wanna look like Uncle AJ.”

“It’d be a good test for your dad though, see how he reacts.” Nick laughed just conjuring up the image. “I think we’d see an example of how he and Kevin are related. Man you should’ve seen how much I used to make Kevin mad back in the day with everything I pulled.”

“Kevin, really, I didn’t MEAN to…I think you look awesome without the bushy brows. Really, they’ll grow back!”

The memories were coming fast and furious at even the slightest mention these days. Nick had been talking to the doctors about this, as he traveled on tour. They’d warned him he may find himself going back to the past within his mind, to be careful about confusing the past with the present. The latter hadn’t happened yet, but he did find himself more reflective anyway.

“Dad says you always earned whatcha got.”

A smirk. “Well yeah, it’s no fun if you don’t earn it.”

“That’s what I tell him.”

Nick reached under the bed, holding what looked suspiciously like a bottle of hair dye within his hands. “Speaking of that…wanna help me with something?”

Chapter Twenty

“My hair is GREEN!”

Nick snickered as he walked down the halls of the hotel building. He’d just passed by Brian’s room, where Brian must’ve finally used that new shampoo he and Baylee had tampered with two weeks prior. He’d just gotten out of the meeting with Jenn and the executives from Universal. It felt freeing, having his album decisions made, knowing it wouldn’t be too long before it was out. They weren’t a hundred percent pleased with the idea that there would be virtually no profit from the album, but then decided the promotion alone would be worth it.

He knew he likely should’ve told them that he wasn’t ever planning on touring for this album. That by that point, he wouldn’t be able to handle it. As it was, there were slip ups now and then with the newer material just on the group tour. He knew it would’ve probably been worse if he didn’t have the fellas helping and supporting him. But even with that, he didn’t want them helping too much. He wanted to know he could still handle himself. He needed to know he could still keep a grip on things. They’d just landed in Japan the night before for their last leg of the tour. It felt too soon to Nick, a beginning to the end of everything that he didn’t want to see.

Nick would tell them, just before he announced it to the world. Until then, he felt no need for them to know. There was just so much that had to be worked out first. Like his family.

Like his future.

“NICKOLAS GENE CARTER!” Brian yelled. It was rare for him to call him by his full name, and did cause him to turn around. A mischievous grin began to form.

It was so bright and vivid. His best friend looked hilarious as his balding green head poked out the door. Nick couldn’t help it, he cracked up. He had originally opted for pink, but felt maybe trying to get the rest of the group to be an intense rainbow all the way would be better. The only tragedy had been that Baylee had gone back home before Brian finally used that new bottle of shampoo they’d “adjusted”. They hadn’t counted on the other bottle being over half full and taking two weeks to finally be used up.

“Hey, I like your hair.” Nick said between guffaws, clutching his stomach. “Got jealous at how attention grabbing mine is?”

He could see Brian struggling not to laugh. “Hey now, I don’t need you frying my hair the way AJ did his!”

Nick snickered. “Dude, I hate to tell ya cause I love ya bro, but you’re already on the verge of Donald Trump’s hairdo. I just spiced it up a bit.”

Now where Brian lacked in height and bulk, he made up for in flexibility and speed. He lunged and Nick barely ducked out of the way, before bolting down the hall. Nick may not be as nimble as him, but his long legs were definitely coming to his advantage. He ran down the halls, picking up speed to get away from Brian

“Trust me Frack when I get a hold of you…” Nick beamed. At least he used the nickname, that was always a good sign. He felt no need to test that though, as he made another turn to double back to where their rooms were.

He ran for AJ’s room, no real reason other than that Howie would immediately side with Brian. Hoping it was unlocked; he grabbed for the handle, just seconds before Brian could nab him, and burst into the room. He came to an immediate stop, frozen by the image before him. Nick could hear Brian suddenly do the same thing only moments later.

And immediately wished he had gone for Howie’s room.

Now they all knew what went on during tours by now. They knew, they’d joke; they’d razz each other about it. Still, they never thought about it in detail. There were never any mental images attached. But when he stood there, the door wide open, he knew there would be after that. Then again, maybe not. It was the first time he wished for the alternative as he stood there gaping. Brian stood beside him, also staring.

Upon the sole bed of the room was AJ locked in some weird position Nick was shocked to find he didn’t have a name for. Beneath him was some woman partially obscured from view with long raven colored hair. On top of him was another woman with long brown hair, her fingernails digging into his side. They were twisted at what Nick could best describe as the human attempt at becoming a pretzel. A third woman had been coming over stark nude. She was Japanese with the silkiest hair, and her face painted to remind Nick of a Geisha. Nick really didn’t want to know what she was holding. It looked like a sexual toy of some kind, and he would probably know if he had a closer look. AJ was shooting him one of the deadliest glares he’d ever seen. If looks could kill, he’d have died before even walking through the door.

The three women stared at him, the one carrying the toy began yelling at AJ in a flurry of Japanese he couldn’t even begin to understand. The body language told him it was far from pleasant however.

“Um…” He finally spoke after a few minutes of surprised silence. “Wow. You know what, wrong room.”

“Sorry!” Brian cried. “Carry on with what you’re doing!” He tilted his head, taking in their current positions. “How did you even do that?” Nick yanked Brian behind him and the two ran out the door like their lives depended on it. The door slammed behind them as they leaned up against the wall, slowly sliding down to the floor.

“I’m gonna have nightmares.”

“I didn’t know you could twist your body like that and still…”

“You’d be surprised what groupies teach you.” A smirk. “You thinking about showing that one to Leighanne?”

Brian flamed red, laughing. “Don’t think she’d go for it.”

“I never wanted to see that much of AJ’s ass.”

“It does prove once and for all he doesn’t have one. Poor AJ’s ass, it’s missing somewhere in a black hole, or the land of the lost.”

“Dude! We sound so gay right now.”

“World still thinks we are anyway.”

“Ooooh they just jealous honey!”

“Could be worse.”

“Oh yeah?”

“We could be AJ right now.”

“I have a feeling those ladies aren’t too happy with him right now.”

“Man hell hath no fury…”

The two laughed comfortably, just enjoying the moment of peace. Not much else was said for a few moments, falling into a comfortable silence that could only be shared by friends who’d known each other as long as they have. They’d have to hide back out in their rooms again, or fans would soon find them. Brian sighed. Nick looked at him suddenly, cracking up. His eyes had lit up as if they were seeing him for the first time that morning. “Ha! You used the shampoo, you know, I think green’s your color.”

Brian blinked, staring at him. “Nick, are you okay?”

Nick frowned. “Yeah, I’m fine.” He snickered. “I’m surprised you’re not mad at me about it. I hope Baylee sees you like that.”

“Nick, I-”

“I can’t believe you guys!” AJ almost shouted as he threw open his door, clothed only in a robe. “You know ya gotta knock before bursting in.” He sighed. “Jesus Christ’s shit on a shingle, I never needed you guys to see that much.” He smirked. “It might be a blow to your egos.”

Nick stared at him. “What are you talking about?”

“What do you mean what I’m talking about? You’re the reason those girls are ready to slaughter me! I mean when you-” A shared glance between the two men caused AJ to shake his head.

“AJ-”

“Never mind, I’m talking crazy man.” Still, he couldn’t hide the look of worry that settled in his face. And that was what Nick focused in on, his eyes narrowed.

“Aren’t you always?” Nick glanced around, standing and stretching. “So where’s Baylee? He’s still got a couple more days with us doesn’t he?”

Brian stood as well, giving AJ another look when Nick wasn’t paying attention. The two were staring at him, unsure of what move to make next. They had dealt with blackouts in his memory more lately, but none of them had spanned that long of a time. They seemed to both be struggling for a decision to make, and how to explain it to Nick without upsetting them. Nick just looked baffled at the way the two of them were behaving.

Nick watched the two of them, raising a brow. “Why are you guys looking at me like I’m crazy?”

“We’re not man.”

“You are.”

“Nick, when was your last doctor’s appointment?”

“What are you, your cousin now?”

“Nick, just answer me.”

He shrugged, suddenly finding the stripped wallpaper incredibly interesting. Nick wasn’t sure when it was, now that he thought about it. It seemed to feel like he’d just gone a lot lately, so when any of the guys asked, that’s what he would tell them. He wanted to be able to handle all of this on his own. He could handle this on his own. Nick didn’t need the guys babying him, not yet, he was far from ready. He was supposed to have a couple of years before that started to happen.

“Recently. I’m fine, so just leave me alone.”

“Don’t do this; we’re just trying to look out for you.”

“I don’t need you to!”

“Nick-”

“Fuck off!”

He brushed his way past the two men, went to his room, and slammed the door behind him.

****

Nick lay on his bed, a pencil in hand with his sketchpad before him. He had begun the work on a self portrait, shadowing the lines along his face. The eyes of the Nick he drew looked blank and unseeing. Nick sighed. This is what he figured he would look like soon. He hated this. He hated feeling so perplexed all the time. He hated feeling as if he wasn’t part of the world around him anymore, that he was just drifting through it on a path no one else could travel. He glanced down at the sketch pad again, and angrily threw it against the wall. It bounced off and slammed into the nearby lamp, causing it to crash on to the floor.

“I fucking hate this!” He screamed, feeling just so much fury. There was no true source to it. It was just there, bubbling from within. He picked up a decorative vase, thrusting it against the window. Both shattered instantly, pieces of both littering the floor. Nick winced at the repair bill he’d now have to pay when they checked out.

He walked over, picking up the pieces, and staring intently at a long shard of glass he held in his hand. It would be so easy, to just slice his wrists and go that way. It would be so dramatic, so tragic. The world wouldn’t see him as much of a joke, the way he will be soon enough. He knew how to do it, how to cut it vertically along his wrist, instead of horizontally. Nick could just picture it, the way the guys would eventually burst in here after they’d knock and never hear a response. They’d see him there on the bed, his blood dripping slowly upon the floor, his face caught in an expression of eternal peace.

He’d dismissed the thought of suicide before, and the guys knew that. But he would never tell the fellas the truth. The truth was that even though he’d tossed it side, the idea was becoming more and more tempting. It was hard to fight, that simple dream of escaping now.

Is it cowardly if I choose to die, rather than sit back and wait to become a helpless mess? Wouldn’t it be more like a chicken shit to just sit back and wait? He mused thoughtfully.

A knock interrupted his thoughts. He sighed, dropping the pieces back down to the floor, making his way grudgingly over to answer the door. He figured it was probably Brian or AJ, trying to talk to him yet again. He loved them, and deep down, he knew their motives were good. But he felt he could handle this, and he wanted them to know that. Maybe they’d recruited Howie this time. That wouldn’t surprise him either, seeing as they knew he was pretty irritated with them at the moment.

The knock came again, sounding more impatient this time as he hovered over the door. “All right! I’m coming. Fucking hell man…”

He decided he’d tell them what they wanted to hear and opt out of the conversation as soon as possible. Maybe even set up a new appointment, not that he saw the good it would do. The doctors couldn’t cure it, and he was already struggling to delay it. What was the point of any of it? He opened the door, feeling fully prepared to handle Howie, AJ or Brian.

What he hadn’t expected was to see Kevin waiting on the other side of the door.

Chapter Twenty One

I should’ve seen this coming, was his immediate thought.

How he could have, he had no idea. But, he felt he should have all the same. He didn’t know what to say, seeing Kevin standing there. He looked as calm as ever given that he was there to presumably lecture Nick in a random Japanese hotel. He stepped back to let Kevin in. Neither said anything yet, the silence was thick in the air between them. Kevin raised a brow as he took in the fragments that still remained in the window frame, and the many that still littered the floor. A glanced at Nick was only met with a nonchalant shrug. So much was said without any words at all.

Nick flopped back on his bed, while Kevin remained standing. He stared up at him, remembering when that used to always be the case. He started to smile, despite the anger that still managed to fuel him. His eyes locked with Kevin’s normally stoic green eyes. Now they churned with storm clouds of concern. Nick ignored the stabbing flashes of guilt that appeared, breaking the stare down and shifting his eyes away.

“Do I want to know?”

Nick shrugged, lifting his head up defiantly. “What are you doing here?”

“I told you that I’d be in Japan around the same time you were, I’m performing “Rent” here for the next few nights.” Kevin finally sat on the bed, his hand resting on Nick’s knee. “So how are you?”

He rolled his eyes. “How do you think?”

Kevin sighed. “I know this can’t be easy for you…”

Massive fucking understatement Kev, he added mentally. It was far from easy, even far from difficult. As much as the others tried to understand, Nick knew a truth they did not. They couldn’t understand. They couldn’t even begin. That simple fact is what frustrated him so much. They would never know, they could never see what it was like for him. All they could do was muster weak attempts that almost mocked what he was trying to cope with. In the end, he didn’t know how to tell them that though. So, instead, he lashed out. Instead, he attacked those who wanted to help him.

It was unfair, but so was everything else in his life.

“Nick?”

“I heard you; I just don’t have anything to say.”

“Come on, talk to me.”

“Why? Why bother? I mean I can’t see a point. I’ll just forget this shit anyways.”

“Because it’ll help Nick.”

“Nothing will help. Nothing will fix this! God, can’t you see that! I may as well just kill myself now and save us all the fucking headache of dealing!” He screamed, feeling oddly relieved. It was the first time he actually voiced his suicidal ideations, and he waited for a reaction.

Kevin grabbed his arm, pulling him to sit up beside him. Nick didn’t fight it. He just went with it. Kevin always had that effect upon him. Actually, he had that effect on all of them. There was just something about him that got obedience out of all of them. Even if he hadn’t been the oldest of the group, Nick felt he still would’ve been the father figure or “big brother” just the same. It was simply how Kevin was.

And Nick loved that about him.

Normally, there would’ve been words. Some saying or quote Kevin could randomly pull out of his brain to help fix whatever was wrong. Nick had no idea where Kevin got those sort of things, he usually pictured some filing cabinet in his brain labeled: “Quotes to Pull Out of My Ass” where he kept them, carefully labeled for any occasion. The odd thing was, no matter how corny or annoying they were, they actually did help. But what scared Nick, was that this time, it seemed Kevin had no magic words. No advice was given. For the first time in Nick’s life, it seemed he finally found a problem to stump even Kevin.

This time, Kevin simply hugged him. There had been a lot of hugs, Nick noticed, since he’d been diagnosed with Early Onset Alzheimer’s. Lots of emotions in all of them. But this one, this one went beyond the others. As Nick’s arms wrapped around Kevin, he suddenly felt the older man shake. He shook from withheld emotion finally coming out in one final burst. He held him, completely unsure of what to do. A wetness seeped into the shoulder of his shirt, and Nick almost froze with shock.

For the first time, Nick saw Kevin cry.

The elder man pulled away after a moment or two, discreetly wiping his eyes. He suddenly looked so worn, lost, and tired. The man who always looked younger than his years seemed to have aged a decade within mere minutes. Nick simply stared. He had no idea how to react or what to do. Kevin was supposed to be the strong one in all this, the one who helped. He had no idea how to handle a Kevin that was as broken down as he was.

It felt scarier than the disease itself.

“K-Kev?” He stuttered, feeling like that thirteen year old once again, who used to be afraid of Kevin when they first became a group.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to do that.”

“It’s okay.” This can’t get any weirder.

“I just wish I had the answer for you. I always do, I always did. And this time, I see you, and I can’t do a thing about it. Brian told me what happened earlier, how you can’t remember the past two weeks…and, that scared the hell out of me little man. I know I’m the first you told, but that, that made it real.”

Despite the situation, Nick felt his lips curve up into a smirk. “Welcome to my world.”

Kevin chuckled and the world seemed to right itself again, as Kevin’s arm wrapped around Nick’s waist. He rest his head against his shoulder. There were countless pictures of the two of them like that over the years. Their relationship had always been something special, once Kevin had gotten used to Nick, anyway. In the beginning, there’d been a lot of trouble because a far younger, far shorter, and far more hyper Nick managed to get on his nerves rather easily. He could almost hear himself back then, trying to be twenty-one year old Kevin’s shadow.

Nick laughed at the thought. Kevin glanced down at him, looking a bit startled at hearing him laugh for what looked to be no reason after five minutes of complete silence between the two. Nick smiled up at him.

“What?”

“You remember when you first met me?”

Kevin almost snorted with laughter. “Oh god, yeah I do. You drove me crazy.”

“You loved it, just admit it.”

“Loved it? I couldn’t go anywhere without you trying to follow me!” He chuckled. “Keeeeeeev, wait for me!” Kevin whined, sounding remarkably like Nick used to back in the day.

Nick grinned even wider. “Trying to follow you, I was like your shadow. I thought you were just so cool. It drove me crazy thinking you hated me.”

“I didn’t hate you.”

“Go back in time and tell pipsqueak me that. I so thought you hated me. Anytime I tried to hang out with you, you acted like you hated me!”

“You wouldn’t leave me alone!”

“Man I wanted to be you…”

“Until you met Brian.”

“Sorry man, you couldn’t match up to your cousin. Plus, ya know, he didn’t hate me. Part of me still wanted to be just like you.”

Kevin beamed, looking like a proud father just then. “I already said this, I didn’t hate you…” A pause followed. “And now?”

“Now? Hell, nothing’s changed. I still wanna to be like you. Only difference is that now, now I know I never will be.”

The room grew silent again; Kevin had a strange expression on his face. It was a mix of pride and pity that Nick hated seeing on him. He wondered if the other guys were having a meeting about him right now. Maybe they were, it seemed to follow the line of thinking the group would do. He couldn’t blame them. As strong as he was fighting to be, it was all going to fall apart soon enough. It was already starting to, but he wasn’t going to admit that just yet. He couldn’t. He had to last long enough to record the video for his solo album, and survive a few interviews. Then, after everything was arranged, after everything was settled, he’d give in. Knowing that, however, didn’t help. Nick was a fighter, he always had been. The idea of giving in just hurt so much, caused so much frustration.

“Have you…arranged everything?” Kevin asked, changing the subject much to Nick’s appreciation.

“Sort of. Howie and Brian are coming with me after the tour to meet up with my lawyer and Angel, set up a living will for after I get all Incombobulated-”

A chuckle came as Kevin shook his head. “Incapacitated Nick…”

“Yeah, that…”

“Go on.”

“Well they’ll help me get that set up before I’m completely gone so that, well…you know how my family is. Or the people who call themselves that.” Nick sighed. “You guys are my family, you know that right?”

“Maybe they’ll finally realize what they missed out on.”

Nick shrugged. “Doesn’t matter now anyway.”

“What about your charity, weren’t you saying back in New York you might do something like that?” Kevin questioned. He was once again switching topics, always having been able to sense when to do so because of Nick’s sensitivity over the cruel way his family has treated him with the exception of his youngest sister.

“I’ve got my nonprofit going though. Bri’s helping me.”

“What are you going to do with it?”

Nick’s eyes lit up. “It’s called Living-Free. With all the oil companies doing all that idiotic damage to the ocean, I set this up as an organization to help protect it and the animals of the ocean.”

“Sort of like the one you set up with me.”

“Yep. I love the ocean, and if I get reincarnated, if that shit happens when you die…I wanna be a dolphin. Dolphins don’t have families as fucked up as mine or other dolphins out to use them…they just get to live free, and be happy. I think I’d like that.”

“Somehow, that suits you.”

“I think so too.” Nick smiled, thinking about it. He knew Brian wasn’t one to believe in the idea, but Nick had been around the world enough times, and had heard about all the different religions. He had no idea how true any of it was, but who did? But he really always liked the idea of reincarnation. That idea of being born anew and getting that new chance at life. He didn’t care if he was human in that next life, and in fact didn’t want to be. All he wanted was to be happy and free, two things he felt he never really had the chance to be in the life he was living now. And perhaps the Alzheimer’s would give him that, but he wouldn’t know it anyway, so he didn’t feel that counted. But he’d always wanted to be a dolphin, ever since he was a little kid. Being able to be so playful, to live in the ocean, and to be free of all the pain people had caused him over the years. He snickered as a new idea came to him. “Dude I just thought of that South Park episode, where the guy wants to be a dolphin….”

“You’re incredibly random you know.”

“It’s why you love me Kevvy; it’s why you love me.”

“I think we should go talk to the others, they were pretty worried about you.”

Nick stretched a bit, standing. “They better get used to that.” He replied bluntly. “This isn’t gonna get any damn easier.”

“We all know that.” Kevin said as he rose from the bed. “But apologizing wouldn’t hurt you know.”

Nick followed Kevin out of the room. “Hey Kevin…”

“What?”

“Why do you always have to be right?”

The two left the room, a chorus of laughter covering the pain that nestled deep within their hearts.

Chapter Twenty Two

It was the last night of the tour, and Nick was nervous. It wasn’t so normal, for him to be this on edge. But this night felt different. It was the end of an era, though the fans wouldn’t know that just yet. Because of that though, he wanted to give them one last night to remember. And he planned to. He was dressed and had just gotten through with the makeup. He stood just behind the curtain at the stadium in Budokan. He sighed. It was frightening, picturing a life without performing, when he’d done nothing but that since before he’d even joined the Backstreet Boys. It was who he was. Without that, it felt like he didn’t need this disease to take his essence away, because he was doing it himself before it could.

There was just something to performing that gave him the biggest rush of a lifetime. Every time it felt like it was the first time. It never was able to get old for him, going out there, playing to the crowd. The crowd screaming in excitement was the biggest high he’d ever been able to find. It was far more addictive than the drugs or the alcohol ever could’ve dreamed of being. He wanted to kick himself for all those mistakes. He’d wasted so much time. It wasn’t till he realized it was all being taken from him to finally quit it all without a look back. There was so much not fair about it.

“Nick?” he heard Brian call, he smiled, coming back to reality. He was waiting with the dancers and the crew, his hair still a faded neon green. Nick grinned, in the past few nights Brian hadn’t managed to get it out completely yet.

He headed over, joining the circle. Brian’s arm came over his shoulder on his right, and Nick suddenly fought the urge to cry. This was the last time they’d do the prayer circle they’d been doing for the past twenty three years. Nick had always known it couldn’t last forever, nothing could. But the end was too soon. AJ’s arm wrapped over his shoulder from the left, and Nick swallowed it all back. He could dwell later. Now was the time to enjoy it as much as he could. Until his memories faded away, he knew he’d be holding on to this. He’d told them they could go on without him, but they it touched him that they decided not to. The five of them had an a farewell album they were going to record back home in the States, but this would be the last Backstreet Boys concert any of them would ever do.

“Lord we thank you for our final show…” Brian began. “And we ask we bless those here and help us put on a good show tonight. We ask that you keep us all healthy and happy, and help those who aren’t become so. Amen.” None of the others noticed it, but he saw Brian’s head lift up and meet his gaze a moment before everyone else’s.

They all put their hands in. Nick stared at Kevin, a permanent smile upon his face. “Backstreet!” They chanted. The circle of people dispersed. Everyone went off to do their various tasks. All that remained, standing in a circle reminiscent of the early days, were the five members of the group.

It felt right though, having the five of them for the last hurrah. That was part of the surprise. Nick had been able to convince Kevin that on his sole night off, he should join them on stage for the final concert. Even though he’d protested, Nick believed Kevin agreed with him. This was how it should end. As the music started, and the dancers ran out on the stage into place, Nick couldn’t help feeling somewhat content amongst the melancholy of it all. If there was a way to go out, as a group in terms of performing, he didn’t mind this. This would be the way he’d choose it. The five of them were together again. They were on top.

And despite everything, in that moment, they were happy.

****

“We love you Budokan! That’s right, there ain’t no party like a Carter party cause a Carter party don’t stop!” Nick screamed as after running out on the stage one last time. They already did two encores but he loved the rush so much he didn’t want to let it go. He didn’t know how he could stop it from being so, but he felt like he needed to hang on to this. He felt an arm grab him, forcing him to finally give up and go backstage.

“Nick…” AJ said laughing as the two headed back to the dressing room. “You were enjoying that way too much.”

“I know…but it’s…it’s not like I’m gonna get another chance. This is it.”

“But…but the doctors may find a way to help you.”

Now that AJ had come to accept what Nick had, he’d found something new to be in denial about. Nick’s chances at a recovery. He loved him, he really did. The problem was that it upset him more than anything to hear AJ say those words. While his friend thrived off of the idea the false hope provided, Nick on the other hand felt like it was killing him softly.

“AJ…”

“Hey, you never know right?”

He cracked a smile, weak though it was. “Right.”

They headed backstage, back towards the dressing rooms. There, Nick would have a moment of peace away from the others. He needed some time alone to really absorb the fact that it was over. He knew they would still have that farewell album. Still, their performances as a group, all those years together singing at the drop of a dime, had come to an end. Nick walked towards his room, opened the door and closed it softly behind him. He sat in his chair, staring at the mirror before him on the wall.

At least now I can dye my hair back to normal, he mused. Suddenly, a big smile grew upon his tired looking face. His features lit up, and a sparkle appeared within his eyes. The concert had been fantastic, a good end to a crazy ride. He sighed.

In his mind, he could still hear the fans screaming “Backstreet Boys! Backstreet Boys!”

****

Sunlight seeped into his vision, momentarily blinding him. Nick awoke with a start, rolling over and falling to the cold floor of the room with a solid thud. Groaning, he rubbed his now sore head that had slammed into the nightstand on the way down. He tried to get up and found himself tangled within a massive mess of sheets. As he struggled to get free, he glanced around; he was faced with something he hadn’t expected.

Aren’t we supposed to still be in Japan? The tour had ended a couple days before, but they’d decided to stay a week after to just bond together. Even though it wasn’t the last time any of them would see each other, it certainly had felt like one last time. Kevin had been the only one to leave, as he had obligations with the show he was doing.

So why was he here? He was met with a familiar vision, the apartment he’d come to love once. Before the destructive end of a relationship he hadn’t been ready to move to the next level. So why was he back here? Nick knew he had probably forgotten leaving Japan, seeing himself here had answered that question, as frustrating as it was. He knew he’d have to call AJ or Brian later and ask how long they’d been back. The apartment still looked the same, airy and attractive with various shades of browns and blacks. The biggest difference was the lack of any pictures featuring the two of them together. At one point, her room had been filled with them.

Why Lauren though? Why was he even here?

It’d been almost two years now since they’d broken up. Almost a year since he’d been diagnosed as well. Not that that was an anniversary he wanted to celebrate. Neither was, actually. Nick stood, finding himself to be wearing nothing but a pair of boxers sitting low upon his hips. He swallowed back hard, trying to figure out just what happened and how the heck he’d gotten there.

“Nick?” He heard her soft voice call. “Are you up?”

“Fuck a duck…” He muttered, trying now to find his clothes. They were nowhere to be seen in his immediate vision.

“Nick?”

“I’ll…be down in a second…” Finally spotting his pants almost completely obscured by the blankets he’d tossed off before falling from the bed, he almost did a victory dance. Reaching inside, he grabbed his cell phone and bolted for the bathroom. Once inside, he shut the door, once again trying to process his situation.

I’m in Lauren’s apartment, wearing nothing but boxers, and woke up in her bed. I have no idea what the hell happened cause I can’t fucking remember it. What the HELL do I do?

So he did what he’d do anytime he was stuck. He called Brian.

“BRIAN!”

“Geeze Nick, you wanna make me deaf?” He replied amidst a yawn.

“Sorry! It’s just I have a situation!”

“You always have a situation. I think you’re the reason I’m going bald.” He joked.

“Got the green out of your hair yet?”

“Yes, it took me about a week after we got home though…hey, your situation? I can hear you laughing at me!”

“How long have we been back?”

“About a week and a half…Nick are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” He sat on the toilet seat, feeling more awkward with every moment. “Look, I’m at Lauren’s…”

“Don’t you think getting back with her is a bad idea? With, well you know-”

He ran his free hand tiredly through his ruffled hair. Nick suddenly wondered if he’d dyed it back to blonde yet. He couldn’t remember and he hadn’t looked in the mirror. It felt utterly strange not having a clue about something like that.

“Yeah I know it’s not a good idea!”

“So why are you there?”

“I don’t know! That’s the problem! I don’t fucking know!”

He could hear some noises from Leighanne and Baylee in the background. Nick smiled a bit. He needed to go visit Baylee again and bond with him while he still could. It might help him relax too. “Wait, so you don’t know why you’re there?”

“No! I woke up, almost completely nude in her bed. Last I remember was a couple days before we left fucking Japan!”

A knock came at the door. Nick groaned. Could this morning get any worse? Or for that matter, could it get any more complicated? Why did his life always have to attract the weird, strange, and randomness most people never had to deal with? He’d never understand.

“What do I do?!” He hissed into the phone. Brian was his buddy. Brian almost always knew the answer. When he didn’t, that was when Kevin knew them.

“You’re going to have to tell her. Explain. She’ll have to understand you didn’t realize what you were doing. Whatever that was.”

“I can’t do that!” He almost screamed, forgetting just for a moment she was waiting on the other side of the door. Nick couldn’t handle this, this was too complicated. All he wanted was simple. Was that really too much to ask for, given everything he was forced to deal with?

“Nick, what are you doing in there?”

“I haven’t even told my family yet!” he whispered anxiously.

“You’re going to have to tell her something. At least with the truth, she’ll be more understanding. You knew you couldn’t hide this forever.”

“But…” Nick felt like screaming and throwing his phone at the wall. He always felt destructive lately.

Suicide would’ve been way damn easier.

“Why do you always have to make sense?!” He whined, instead of saying what he really thought. Kevin telling the others what he’d said before had them on edge enough.

“Sorry buddy.”

The door opened just as he shut the phone. He stared up at Lauren, still wearing nothing but his boxers, sitting on the toilet looking utterly panicked. She was as beautiful as ever, and part of him still missed her. He missed her knowing it could never again happen, and not just because they wanted different things this time. She raised a brow, holding a steaming cup of coffee.

“What the heck are you doing?”

He gave a sheepish grin, having no idea of what to say. “Hi Lauren.”

Chapter Twenty Three

“Nick?” She stared down at him, with the soft doe eyes he once loved more than anything. She held the coffee out to him, with the oddest expression. He really couldn’t blame her. What was she supposed to think, him in nothing but boxers, sitting on the toilet holding the phone and looking panicked? Now, granted, he knew she expected him to be odd. Still, this was a new level of strangeness, even for him.

“Hi Lauren.” He said once again, at a complete loss for words. He felt like at least if he repeated himself, it would still be better than the silence making everything that much more awkward.

Jesus Nick, come up with something new to say.

“What are you doing?”

He sighed, trying to figure out just how to come out and ask how long he’d been at her place. And if he’d told her why he came. Somehow, he had a feeling she wasn’t going to take those questions all that well. Nick took a death breath, standing as he took a sip of the coffee.

“Okay, this is gonna sound weird…”

She raised a brow at him. “I became used to weird from you a long time ago.”

Nick nodded, wearing a sheepish grin. “I know, but this is weird even by my standards. So, um…when did I come over? It’s just…” He couldn’t even finish. How could he explain his actions before even knowing what they were?

“When you came over? Jesus Christ Nick, were you that plastered last night?” She replied, looking hurt as she leaned up against door. A bit of the wife beater she wore rode up, revealing a perfectly tones tummy. He bit his lip, wanting to just take her then and there. It had been awhile, and he knew soon he wouldn’t be able to anymore, making it that much more tempting.

So it was last night and I fucking drank. Idiot! You’re still on the medication you fucking dumbass! He shouted at himself mentally. He really was trying to quit with all the bad habits, he knew it would do no good. But then, it had probably been a bad few nights. Depression was a constant companion now, making that goal far more difficult than it had once before.

“Look…Lauren…”

She shook her head, walking away. Nick set the coffee aside and walked after her. Despite their breakup, despite their differences, he knew she didn’t deserve to be hurt like this. He wasn’t sure what had happened, but now he was getting the general idea. Why he’d gone to her place he still had no clue, but maybe it was because he knew she’d still welcome him. In spite of everything.

“I can explain everything!” he called out. Brian was right, he was going to have to tell her and pray she didn’t tell the world. It wasn’t like her to do that, but he knew what he was doing to her wasn’t fair, and that if she did tell, he’d deserved it. Lauren came to a sudden stop, turned towards him with her face contorted with rage.

“I should’ve known you hadn’t changed. You’re still doing the same dumb shit. You’re still too terrified of any real commitment. I mean God Nick! You show up at my door, and I thought you were just a little buzzed. You tell me you need someone, that no one else gets you, that you missed me all this time… I mean god damn Nick! When the hell are you gonna grow up?!”

He bit his lip. All of that was true, and all it took was some alcohol and Exelon to really bring it out of him. What could he do now? He couldn’t say he didn’t mean it, that he was too trashed by the combination to control what he was saying. Nick was about to tell her the truth, but now, the truth didn’t seem good enough.

“Don’t you have anything to say? You said you could explain!”

Nick scoffed with a roll of his eyes. “I can, but you wouldn’t believe me anyway.”

I’m such a chicken shit. I’m still trying to bullshit my way out of this. Way to go Nick.

“Try me.”

Wishing he was wearing more than just those boxers, Nick strengthened his resolve. He was getting to the point where hiding it wasn’t going to be an option for much longer. Already it was getting him into more trouble, leaving him in situations he couldn’t get out of because he had no idea what had occurred to begin with.

What really sucks is I can’t even remember getting laid. Or if I even did.

“Nick? I’m waiting...”

“Fine, you want to know?”

“Yep, let’s hear what excuse ‘Nothing is ever MY fault’ Carter has for messing with my emotions every which way, today! It better be good, that’s all I’m saying.” She crossed her arms beneath her large bosom. Nick’s eyes traveled there, resting upon them even with Lauren giving him one of the deadliest glares he’d ever encountered.

“Well…”

****

“I can’t believe she gave you a black eye!” AJ snickered as he drove Nick back to his place.

“Dude, she didn’t believe me at first.” Nick explained, tenderly touching the area around his eye, and checking out his hair out in the rearview mirror. At least he had managed to dye it back to its natural color. Not that he could remember doing it.

When he told her, she actually punched him. And as much as that hurt, surprising as it was, the fact she actually did it shocked him the most. Of all the ways she could’ve reacted, that hadn’t been one of his predictions. Unlike every other girlfriend he’d had, she never once got like that during their relationship. What really got to him, was how Lauren took it even worse once he showed her the medication as proof.

“How’d she take it once she did?”

“She started crying. That’s why I didn’t want her knowing. Fuck man, why the hell did I end up back over there? We’ve been broken up for about two years now.”

“Because you still love her man, and when you got fucked up, you went back to her. She didn’t know, and she was able to comfort your dumb ass.”

Nick glanced over at AJ with surprise. His friend simply laughed. “What? Come on, being around Kevin and Brian so many years rubbed off on me.”

“Great so country bumpkinism is contagious.”

“I’m so telling Kevin you said that.”

“Shit I’ll just say I don’t remember.” Nick joked, only to be met with an awkward silence in response. He sighed. “Sorry, bad joke.”

AJ said nothing.

“I feel like I have to joke or I’m gonna lose my damn sanity, that’s all.”

AJ smirked, adjusting his shades as they waited for the light to change at the intersection. “You were never sane.”

“Look who’s talking.”

“Man, just wait till Brian gets a load of you with that shiner.”

“He’s coming out?”

“Yeah, tomorrow. Farewell album recordings, your charity and solo album stuff. He said he wants to come along with you for your promo, just in case.” He could see the frustration in AJ’s face, even though he didn’t say anything. They must have told him, and of course he lost that as he did everything else from the past week.

“I can handle going on my solo stuff by myself.” There wasn’t much, just promotional stops.

The idea of losing days at a time, or a week in this case, terrified Nick. He could end up anywhere, doing anything, and not have any clue of how it happened. This time was just luck, having gone to his ex-girlfriend’s. Someone who he knew wouldn’t take advantage of her, even when he unintentionally used her. He originally had planned to do all his solo media stops solo. But now? Now he was just happy Brian decided for him.

“There’s something else I gotta do tomorrow too.”

“What’s that?” AJ asked as they drove down the roads. Nick glanced out the windows, still missing the calm country home he felt like he’d never see again in Tennessee.

“I gotta tell Angel. And tonight…I’m gonna call Jenn. All this shit, fuck, I can’t put it off anymore.” He looked away, his expression sad and wistful. His gaze focused on nothing in particular.

AJ’s voice brought him out of his thoughts. “Dude, she doesn’t know? I assumed she knew.”

Nick stared at him. “Are you kidding? Fuck she’s gonna flip…”

“Little girl, but man she’s scary when she’s angry.”

“Tell me about it.”

****

When Nick had called Jenn to tell her he needed to talk to her about the solo album, he hadn’t expected her to actually show up at his condo. He glanced down at her petite frame. That was the thing about their manager. What she lacked in height she made up for with intimidation. He knew she wasn’t going to like what he had to say, and he wasn’t looking forward to her reaction.

“Okay Nick, you say it’s serious, what’s up?”

“Well, I can’t tour for the solo album. One promo performance and that’s probably all I can handle. I can’t do a tour though.”

“WHAT?!” She shrieked. “What do you mean you can’t do a tour? The only reason I was able to sell Universal on the idea of your charity album was because of the tour profits that’ll come in!”

“I know, but there’s a good reason and-”

“Whatever it is, it’ll have to wait. You have to tour. End of story.”

Nick felt like ripping his hair out as he watched the petite brunette before him. Did she think he just didn’t want to tour for the heck of it? He loved touring, he loved performing. Deciding he wasn’t going to ever really perform the solo album he put his heart and soul in, it almost destroyed him. This wasn’t easy for him. And although she didn’t know why, and therefore didn’t understand how difficult this was, he hated her for not making this any easier. He stepped forward almost shoving the prescription slip he’d had to tote around to her.

“Here.”

“What…” Her eyes scanned the piece of paper, and he could almost determine exactly the moment it hit her. The light in her eyes dimmed, and the look she gave him was a broken one.

“Tell me this is fake.”

He shook his head. “Wish it was. I found out just when we were getting ready for the album launch and all that. You know why I’d mix up new lyrics sometimes? There’s your answer. So…I can’t tour.”

Gently she handed back the slip back to him. “I’ll fill the suits in.”

He came up and hugged her. It felt weird, comforting Jenn. Even though she was so tough on them, she’d become close to the four of them. It was only natural. The anger he had only moments before dissipated. He rested his chin on top of her head, chuckling. “You make a good headrest you know.”

Jenn pulled away, swatting his arm. “Watch it Carter.”

“I’m not ready for it yet, but when I announce it to the media…I want it to be at my first and last solo performance for this album.”

“VMAs maybe? It gives you a couple months; I’m sure when I tell them you’ve got a major announcement...” She said as she grabbed her purse from the coffee table. Nick couldn’t blame her for wanting to leave. Everyone would have to cope differently.

A smile slowly grew. Jenn headed for the door and he nodded. “Yeah, sounds good.”

Nick watched her go before going out to the balcony. He was lying. Nothing about this sounded good. The fact he was planning his goodbye to the industry. The fact he was saying far more goodbyes than he ever wanted to. Tomorrow he’d have to say what was essentially another one. He’d have to plan everything out with the lawyers now. It just felt odd and heartbreaking.

After today, he doubted that five year window the doctors originally gave him. The thought was terrifying. He had been counting on it more than he realized. There were plenty of signs telling him he needed to get it together. Nick couldn’t ignore them any longer.

He was running out of time.

Chapter Twenty Four

The waves crashed gently on the shore, the dawn was just beginning to break over the horizon. It cast a rosy hue upon the sky, making the ocean look darker. It was beautiful, and it was peaceful. He sat upon the sand, not caring much if it got all over. Part of him wanted to surf then. But he was afraid to, what if something happened? What if he was on his board and suddenly forgot how he got there? It would cause him to fall, possibly hit his head with the board. He could drown.

Few people were on the beach so early in the morning. Just the hard core surfers. And even then, he figured most people would assume he was in Malibu, rather than Huntington Beach. He didn’t feel like dealing with fans, just wasn’t up to acting like everything was fine. He didn’t want to make jokes, he didn’t want to pretend. That was why he was keeping away from the fellas that morning, despite how he hated being alone. If he was around them, he knew, he’d have to pretend that everything was alright.

He’d called Angel after Jen left; she said she’d meet him there that morning. She loved the ocean almost as much as he did. She didn’t see anything odd about meeting at the beach so early in the morning. If nothing else, he knew he never had to worry about her. She was the sole member of the Carters who seemed to have gotten her life in a good place. No bitterness, no regrets.

Nick knew he’d have to call Brian later, meet him at the airport when he flew in that night. That was another call from last night, agreeing that he would need the help his best friend would give tagging along on his little promotional travels. He wondered when Jen would break the news to Universal. When would they call him, trying to get him to sign the rights over to them for control of all the unreleased material?

Not that it mattered.

He’d call Howie, and have him go to the lawyers with him, and settle everything. The living will, the rights to all his creative property, what’ll happen to him when he can’t take care of himself anymore. One day soon, he’d have to tell the rest of his family. And then deal with them the moment the living will was read, because his first request would be that it was read while he was still within a sound frame of mind. They wouldn’t like what he had to say, but it had to be done. And like it or not, his so called family, would just have to deal with it. And Angel, Nick just felt bad for leaving her to deal with them alone. He felt as if he was abandoning her.

He felt as if he was abandoning everyone he cared about, and it killed him.

“Nick!” His younger sister called out, causing him to jerk a bit. He turned with a smile, and stood. Brushing the sand off himself, he walked slowly over. If anything, Nick wanted to delay this moment as long as he could. Spend the day bonding with her; enjoy himself, before unloading the burden on her.

“Hey you! I haven’t seen you since New Year’s.” She eyed him playfully as a mild breeze blew her dark strands around her face. Angel hugged him tightly, causing him to genuinely smile, rather than the fake one he’d worn more often that he’d have liked to lately.

He shrugged. “Been touring, and after that disaster…”

The two began their stroll down the beach, both of them were barefoot. “I’m sorry they acted that way.”

“Why are you sorry? It’s not your fault.”

“Feels like it. I don’t know why they do this to you.”

Nick sighed, pausing to stare out at the water. “Because mom and dad did it. So now, they think its okay. Not consciously but ya know, subconsciously. That’s what my therapist says anyway. Makes sense I guess.”

She frowned. “You’re seeing a therapist again?”

Shit. He didn’t mean to say that. “Um, yeah, Kevin thought it might help.”

Angel smiled. “I think it is, you don’t sound as angry as you normally do about them.”

He didn’t answer. How would he without telling her everything? That the real reason he wasn’t so angry anymore wasn’t because he understood them, but because he was forced to simply give up on them? Nick threw his arm around her shoulder and they started to walk again.

“I don’t?” He smirked. “Eh, it’ll come back once we’re around them again.

“Oh now there’s a positive attitude.”

“Hell I call it realistic.”

“Good point.”

“Have you heard from Aaron?” Nick asked, hoping for a good answer. The last he’d heard from him was New Year’s Eve, when he hadn’t even bothered to show up for their attempt at family bonding. After that, even with Nick being mad at him, he tried to call. It was simply that Aaron refused to answer, which was new, and it hurt.

“I do, but no one else does. It’s not just you, if that helps.” The tone of her voice almost broke his heart. “It’s just; he’s not the same anymore. Between the drugs and the alcohol, all the partying, and he’s still determined to stay in music….which would be okay if he did something. But he doesn’t so he just calls me to complain and blame everyone else? And lately, I’ve just, had a bad feeling…”

Long ago, Nick had stopped making fun of Angel’s “twin sense”. The two had always known when the other was in danger. Once, Angel had broken her arm while Aaron had just started touring with the Backstreet Boys, and he complained about his arm aching all day. He sighed; maybe it was just because the signs were so obvious. He wanted to believe that anyway. Because if it was Angel’s “twin sense”, he knew that whatever it was, it was worse than he thought.

“We need to do an intervention.”

“You know…as well as I do, that it won’t work unless everyone’s in on it and-”

“-And there’s not a chance in hell in getting everyone to agree. Right. I know.”

“I’m just concerned about him.”

“I know, he’s doing the exact shit I did, and now…” Now I can’t save him, because I can’t even save myself. He finished silently.

Angel stopped, turning towards him. He paused, eyeing her carefully. Her dark eyes were determined, while clouds of worry swirled within. “So are you ever going to tell me the real reason you wanted to hang out today?”

Nick stared at her. “Wait, what?”

Seagulls could be seen above them, as the sun continued to rise slowly into the sky. More people were coming on to the beach. And Nick tried to focus on everything else except for his sister right then. Angel, who looked at him pleadingly, determinedly, wanting to know even though he could see she sensed she wouldn’t like what he had to say.

“I know you, and you wanted to hang out so you could tell me something. But in typical you fashion, you don’t wanna ruin the day, so you figure you’ll tell me at the end. Don’t you know I know ya well enough to figure it out?” She stuck her tongue out at him playfully. “You’re so used to the rest of the family not knowing you at all, you forget I actually do.”

Nick nodded, and slowly, he let the story of the past year unfold. He simply talked and talked, telling her stuff that wasn’t necessary. He just continued talking, about the stress, and the pain. The fear and the doubt. Everything.

And as tragic as everything was, it felt so relieving to finally put it all out there. Tears were streaming down his sister’s face. He moved to hug her, and she simply let him. Her face buried itself into his shoulder, sobbing endlessly, as she took on the knowledge that someday in the not so distant future, she’d be losing her brother forever.

****

Nick yawned as he waited in the airport. Brian had said seven o’ clock pm, right?

He glanced around and waited by the baggage claim. He really hoped he was at the right airport. Nick even made sure to write it down. The last thing he needed was to forget everything and end up at the wrong place. He hated feeling so paranoid of forgetting, but he couldn’t help himself.

He ran a hand through his hair anxiously. Nick didn’t go incognito as he normally did. He was banking on the fact the fans knew he lived in Tennessee now, and hoped they assumed he was there. It was amazing how much he hadn’t missed being mobbed all the time during their “underground phase”. He loved that the group finally earned respect before he had to quit, finally won that Grammy with their “Freedom” album. However, the mobs of fanatic girls were something he could still do without if given the choice.

“Come on Bri…” He walked over to the monitor and looked up Brian’s flight. “Delayed, that figures…”

“Hello? I’m sorry, I know I’m totally bugging you…but…you’re Nick Carter aren’t you?”

Nick turned, immediately flashing his trademark smile. The girl was young, maybe twenty-five at most. So she was old enough to be a fan since the beginning, though she probably would’ve only been about seven years old back then. Her green eyes sparkled with excitement from behind her glasses, and she smiled a bit anxiously. He figured she was likely afraid she was bothering him. He always loved when fans tried to respect that he was still a person, it made him want to interact with them that much more.

“You’re not bugging me. I’m just waiting on Brian, but his flight’s delayed.” He replied, deciding instantly she wouldn’t be the type to yell and scream and text the world about them being there.

Her eyes widened. “Are you guys working on the new album?”

He nodded. “And Brian’s helping me out with my solo stuff, you’ve heard-”

“About the charity you’re creating for it? Oh my God, yes and I think its sooooo sweet you’re doing that? You’re…” Her cheeks tinged pink. “You’re my fave, because of how much of an environmentalist you are…and your voice… Your guys’ music has done so much for me growing up, and well, I just can’t believe I’m finally meeting you…”

Nick grinned. This was why it was worth it all. The way they seemed to touch their fans lives. “How long have you been a fan?”

“Since Millennium. Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely really helped me through a rough time. I was only nine years old and…” It always touched him when he learned one of their songs helped a fan like that. No matter how many times he heard it.

“So what’s your name? Do you have a camera?”

That was when she suddenly squealed so loud several people turned to look around to see if something was happening. Nick laughed. “Shhh. Or they’ll hunt me down.”

“I’m sorry, it’s just I can’t believe this is actually happening.” She rummaged through her purse, pulling out a digital camera. “My name’s Annie.”

Nick threw his arm around her, holding up the camera to try and get a good shot of the two of them. His tongue ran across his lips, thinking, when Brian came up and took it from him. Brian grinned. “Hey, you guys want me to take a picture?”

“Oh my God…you’re Brian…” Nick was positive if one more Backstreet Boy came up; they’d give the poor girl a heart attack.

Brian laughed. “That’s what everyone tells me.”

“You’re my favorite after Nick, I just…wow…”

“Awww, after Nick? I’m the better one, really.” Brian stopped the next person walking past them. “Excuse me; can you take this picture for us? Thank you.” After a few poses with the girl, they handed the camera back to her. Her eyes were shining, and Nick’s heart swelled. He would miss this. That much was evident.

“Thank you guys so much, I will never forget this. And Nick, I can’t wait to hear your album. All your talk about helping the world, well, you’re the one who inspired me to go get a Masters in Environmental Science, so I could try and help save the planet.”

His eyes widened. Nick never realized all the environmentalist talk actually got to some of his fans. Too many experiences led him to think most of them listened just because they thought he looked pretty. “Hey Annie, write down your address for me. Maybe I can send you a copy.”

Another loud squeal, a hastily jotted note, and several hugs later, the two boys watched her go. She was practically skipping away. Nick and Brian started making their way out of the terminal. The two walked into the parking garage, and Nick couldn’t stop smiling. It felt good to be reminded the effect he’s had on people. To be reminded that he would be remembered. That was still his biggest wish, to have had the impact, to not be forgotten.

It was what he needed to help him get through what was to come.

Interlude - A Moment With The Author



Now as I get back to my computer, and I let the words flow again... I need to hide once more behind this "third person". I’m back to the Microsoft Word doc, impersonal and safe. Where I can pretend to be someone who never knew Nick. I can be someone pretending he's just writing a novel "based on a true story". It's cowardly, and it's not like me at all. I’ve faced a lot in my life, but nothing close to what Nick did. I will never understand how he had so much courage. I didn’t, though I think he believed I did.

But enough about me, this isn’t my story.

It’s his.

Chapter Twenty Five

“This is K-Dog with the Old School Lunch Hour. Now, do y’all remember NSYNC? I bet you do. Whatever happened to Justin Timberlake? He had his solo career, movies, and then…nothing. Anyone know where he is now?”

“I know I haven’t got a clue…it was like he vanished.”

“Speaking of solo careers from 90’s Boybanders… Nick Carter’s latest album, I Did It For You is in stores today….call in and tell us what you think of it! And now, we take you back to the 90’s…”

…Hey hey…Bye bye bye…bye bye!

“Ugh, turn that shit off Brian.”

Brian smirked, reached forward into the front, and changed the station as requested. He sat back again, as their two bodyguards chuckled. Josh and Mike had been with them for some time, and knew them well. “NSYNC’s been gone for over a decade, and they still can’t resist comparing you to Justin.”

“Even if that asswipe’s been practically missing for three years.” Nick replied rolling his eyes as the van made its way down the heavily congested New York City roads. He yawned a bit, trying to stretch as much as he could within the back seat. When he had pictured this, he thought Jenn, rather than Brian would be in there with him. Instead, Jenn was smoothing out the complications his situation brought on, while Brian came along for the support.

The date was July 25th, 2016; a day would stay in Nick’s mind as long as he could keep it there. This was the date of his final solo album. He knew there was a treasure trove of unreleased material, but he wasn’t sure if the fellas would ever release it. Today was simple, an interview with Regis and Kelly, stopping over at the new MTV show “The Video Store”, a show that was very reminiscent of TRL. It amused the guys that it took MTV so long to reinstate TRL in its original format, and that when they finally did, they advertised it like it was a brand new idea. Which, in essence it was, to the newest generation of teenagers.

“Well, look on the bright side; soon you won’t have to remember him or his annoying pitchy voice. Cry me a riiiiiiver! ” Brian teased, grinning.

Nick laughed, Brian was the only one other than himself able to really make light of the dark prospects his future held for him. But that was always how Brian dealt with anything rough that came their way, he would joke about it. What fans saw as annoying, was really his defense mechanism. Nick’s was similar, always goofing around when everything seemed too much to handle. It was partly why their bond had been so strong since the beginning. It felt natural to have that fallback. No one else could really handle it being taken so lightly, and it simply helped remind Nick that nothing was ever going to be the same. He tried to shake away the dark thoughts from his mind. Wasting time dwelling wasn’t going to solve anything.

It was something Nick had to tell himself often.

“And I won’t have to remember them ripping us off half the time.”

“Or Lou.”

Nick shuddered. If it hadn’t had been for Kevin, all those rumors about Lou having gone too far in his role as their “backer” would’ve actually been true. It had happened with other groups Lou formed, always with the young and “pretty” ones. Kevin however, had been suspicious when his own mother hadn’t bothered to be. It had saved him from being more psychologically scared than he already was. Over the years, he wondered if Lou had done anything to Aaron. His little brother never discussed his days under Lou’s management, and Nick had been unable to be there. He thought it could be the reason why Aaron was as troubled as he was.

If that was true, it would be just another thing he would be better off forgetting.

“What else?” Brian lead on, sensing the joke had somehow struck a sore spot.

“Or how Paris gave me that damn STD scare!”

“I can’t believe you didn’t see that one coming.”

“I was young and stupid.” Nick snickered. It was funny now, even if it hadn’t been back then. He’d called Kevin then, panicked, scared, and feeling like nothing could ever be worse. He'd just been lucky that when he got tested, they found nothing. That was up until last year, the worst phone call he’d ever gotten, when she told him the news.

That’s what I get for thinking.

“Nick?”

And once more, he was brought back to reality. Back to the inside of their van, on the road again. He wondered how long he spaced out this time. Nick sighed. Once, that used to be because of his unmedicated ADD, and now this just added right on to it. He wondered again why it seemed God cursed him with a brain that could never quite function properly, and now seemed to fall apart.

Nick ran a hand through his hair, his eyes skipping around the van. He felt confused. Where was he? Where were they going? What were they doing? He glanced around the vehicle again, his heartbeat beginning to rise nervously. He didn’t like not knowing just what was going on. At the same time, he didn’t want to ask. All it did was make him feel weak and helpless, and he wasn’t ready for that yet. He opened his mouth anyway, before closing it again. Nick bit his lip, searching the depths of his mind for a clue into the answer he desperately needed right then.

Is this always how it’s going to be now? He asked himself, feeling a weight drop into his stomach at the mere thought.

Brian’s eyes met his and his eyes softened, being able to read the uncertainty written so clearly on his best friend’s face. He swallowed. “Nick, you okay? We’ll be at the MTV studio in a few minutes for your interview, about your album being out today. You up for it man?”

“Um…yeah, I’m okay.” Nick nodded, feeling nervous. Maybe this wasn’t the best idea, promotion for the solo album. How was he going to do this while keeping it all quiet till it was time to tell the world? What if he forgot what he was saying on stage? Or forgot how he got there? Fear ran down his spine like a trail of dancing icicles.

Thank God I have Brian.

****

The windows overlooking Time Square. The room filled with screaming fans. The douche of a host looking completely apathetic at the idea of interviewing Nick Carter. Of course on camera, he would look excited to be there with him. If Nick didn’t know better, he would think he was back in 1999, at the height of his career. A career so many would’ve killed for. Sun filtered through the windows, making the dust particles glitter in the air. Nick looked around with a wistful smile as he waited just out in the hallway, away from the view of the fans.

He had to enjoy this, while he still could.

“And we’re back at The Video Store. I’m Randy Myers with your top twenty countdown. You voted, you demanded, and we got it for ya. Today on the show, we have…Backstreet Boy, Nick Carter…” A chorus of new screams erupted. “That’s right, and he’s here to talk about his third solo album, I Did It For You…so come on out Nick!”

A grin was forced upon his face, and a glance back showed Brian there, looking supportive. He ran out into the main studio, throwing himself in to the arms of his fans. They embraced him and screamed. Soon, he was beaming, and it was no longer forced. The host, a young man no older than twenty, with bright red hair, pale faced, and freckled, watched looking bemused.

“You gonna do the interview from the audience Nick?”

Laughing, he continued to hug his fans. “Can I?”

“Come on Nick, I know you love the love…”

Nick smirked as he sang into the microphone, a song he was amazed he remembered given all the reasons he probably shouldn’t. “Love to love the way that you love me...”

The fans screamed yet again, recognizing the old song tossed aside from the Black and Blue days. He slowly made his way back through the mob towards the stage, embracing more fans as he did. Nick felt he needed to do this as much as he could. The love they had for him as a performer, for his music, it meant more than he could ever say. There was a reason why the album was titled the way it was, and this was it.

“Alright I’m coming…” Nick stated as he gets up on the stage finally. When the cameras shifted, the host rolled his eyes at him. Nick just smirked.

“Now that you’re up here, let’s talk about your album. “ A picture of his last official solo album flashed on the screen. The pain of knowing that, and choosing not to say it to all the loyal fans hurt more than expected.

“Let’s talk.” He walked over to the big open windows, waving down at those waiting in Times Square. It was almost an exact replica of the old TRL studio, and Nick wondered if it was the very same one.

“You seem to get more personal with this album, tell us about one of the songs.”

Nick swallowed hard, knowing the answer that was safest. But, he didn’t want to be safe. He could’ve answered about his family, since he knew the fans knew plenty about that. He could’ve answered about his life of fame, since his song “Thrill Ride” covered that really well. Nick took a deep breath, readying himself for one of his most revealing answers to the public since he was diagnosed. His tongue ran across his lips, thinking of how to say it.

“Nick?”

“Sorry, tough question.” He chuckled. “I’d say my most revealing song is ‘Forget Me Not’. It’s the last track of the album. It’s simple, just me and my acoustic guitar. And…you can really hear the emotion I was feeling in the song. I’ll never perform it live, but it’s probably my favorite track on the record. I’ve never gone that deep before, and well ya know, I don’t think I’ll ever go that deep again.”

“Can we play a bit of that?” Randy asked, looking over at a few of the crew members offstage.

Nick braced himself. Hearing it now would be painful. As the gentle strumming of the beginning notes began to play, haunting and beautiful, he had to fight back the tears that suddenly threatened to fall. Looking around, he did his best to keep control. No one around there had a clue of the inner struggle taking place as he heard his own voice once more.

Just know when I’m gone,
When I think back to us,
I know the tears will come.
Memories will fade with time
But the pain never stops

Will you be able to think of me
And all we’ve been through
Will you keep me in your heart…
Even if I won’t do it for you?

The room had gone silent as the music faded away. In essence, this seemed to be his true goodbye to the world, even if he didn’t mean it to be. With the VMAs only a month away, it suddenly felt to Nick that this was the moment everyone would remember. And that was what he needed most, to be remembered as the artist he was above all else. Noise filtered through his head, but it was like a jumbled mess at first.

“Nick?”

“Sorry, I didn’t catch that man.” He gave an easy grin, forced and false.

“Was the song about anyone in particular?”

“I had people in mind as I wrote it, I guess. That song is like a combination of experiences, and I think that’s what makes it so special man.”

“Now your single, Thrill Ride, hit the radio this week. Talk to us about it.”

Nick was thankful for the change of subject. Suddenly however, the lyrics for the song he had chosen as his single went blank. Just as he opened his mouth to answer, he lost everything he was about to say about it. Mentally, Nick panicked. He couldn’t have this happen again. Not now. Not when soon everything he did leading up to the next month would be specifically remembered. They would look for signs and Nick wanted to be sure he gave them none.

Only those who knew him well would’ve seen the pure horror in his eyes, been able to decipher what it meant. Nick swallowed back hard, and decided to improvise. What else could he do when his mind failed him yet again?

“Oh well, I think the song speaks for itself there. Just listen to the lyrics, and I think everyone will see what I mean.”

When they went to commercial break, Nick glanced up at the ceiling and gave a silent prayer.

Just give me long enough to finish my goodbyes. That’s all I ask.

Chapter Twenty Six

When Brian awoke that morning, he jerked back completely started. Nick’s face was inches away from his own, staring at him in amusement. His hair was going every which way, and looked to have only been awake no more than twenty minutes before Brian. He laughed, shoving him away. The two only had a one more day in New York City, the choice had been made to spread out the promotion, rather than jam all of it into one or two days. This way, the idea was that Nick could possibly handle it easier.

Or so Nick hoped.

“Morning Brian!”

The sky was still dark; no hints of the coming dawn had begun to show through the window just yet. The two had an early start that morning. Nick stayed on the bed, hopping on it excitedly. Despite everything, he loved what he did, and was trying his best to live for the moment. That meant rather than letting himself dwell on everything, he had to try and get everything together.

Also, there was something happening after the promotional bits, that he didn’t want to think about. If it meant going back to his old standby of acting hyperactive and a bit crazy, so be it. At least then, he could try and get through the day with some bit of sanity.

“Huh?”

Nick jumped up to his feet on the bed, almost falling off the in the process. Suddenly, he felt like a kid again, when he’d come into Brian and Kevin’s room daily to do this. So much so, that Kevin got sick of it and decided Brian and Nick would be sharing hotel rooms from then on, back in their beginning days in Europe. Oddly, it felt like everything in his life was coming full circle. Nick wasn’t sure if that was just fate, or his own memories mixing in with the present as a result of his disease. He jumped again, this time, Brian rolled off. He landed on the floor along with the blankets and one of the pillows.

“Mmm better…” Brian mumbled. It was funny how he immune he was to Nick’s antics. He beamed at his friend as he leaned over close, his hair falling into Brian’s face. Nick held back the sigh that wanted to come, he wondered then how much Brian would miss them. Nick jumped again, letting him fall back onto the bed.

He wondered if somewhere inside, would he miss Brian?

“Wake uuuuuuuuup.”

An eye peeked back open. “You know I love ya man, but…”

“But dude, I gotta tell you about this dream I had.”

Chuckling, Brian climbed off the floor, shuffling towards the bathroom. Nick followed behind him. Part of him was curious if Brian even wondered how Nick broke into his hotel room. The two made their way in and as Brian brushed his teeth, Nick attempted to flatten down his hair a bit. It looked a bit more disheveled than usual.

“Dreumm uh?” He replied.

“Yeah, dude it was crazy. There was this girl…”

“Yah, ‘ere’s abays a birl…”

“Man, and she was this really hot alien chick. I ended up chasing her all around the freaking universe. Like in these Star Wars bad ass ships, speeding around trying to get some alien ass.”

Brian drank some water, gargled, and spit it out into the sink. “You put your spacesuit on…so you could jump into your rocket!” He sang with a big grin. It was a song Nick had on his second solo album, released five years ago.

He laughed. “Mock it all you want, that song was fucking bad ass.”

“If anyone’s the alien, it’s you.”

“Well I am out of this world.”

Brian rolled his eyes, but smiled. Yet, that morning, Nick noticed the smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. The realization hit him; both of them were playing their part. Neither of them wanted to admit it, but both of them knew it. It just took till that moment for both of them to see it. Nick glanced around for a clock, just to break the silence.

“When are we supposed to go?”

“We’ve got about two hourrrrrs.” Brian answered, yawning.

“Is Johnny meeting us here?”

A frown and a crease of the brow immediately appear. “Johnny?”

Immediately he noticed his mistake. Johnny Wright hadn’t been their manager in years, about a decade, actually, when Nick thought about it. Still, he reminded himself, he didn’t mix up the year, and he knew where he was.

“Sorry I meant…” What had he meant? Jenn hadn’t come; she was handling other aspects of things. He just shook his head.

“Nick?”

“Never mind, let’s just get ready okay?”

****

The two stood out on the balcony of Nick’s hotel room as twilight settled down upon them for the coming night. He didn’t acknowledge the other just yet, just looked beyond him, lost in thought. It had been a good day after the tiny lapse that morning. For the first time in days, nothing had slipped beyond him or gotten muddled, as far as he knew anyway. Brian had confirmed this earlier when he asked him however. They only had the last day in New York tomorrow before returning to Los Angeles to finish off his mini promotional tour with a few late night talk shows that were the staple of any promotion.

Leighanne and Baylee would be meeting them there as well as the rest of the fellas, so that they could begin getting the final album together. They knew this was the last time, and so they wanted to do it together. Wives, kids, and the original five themselves, one large family all together in the city.

But all of that would be in the near future, rather than the present moment where Nick was staring out into the beautifully lit up one of a kind city. He bit his lip when the morbid thought of never seeing New York City filtered across his mind. His gaze shifted back other to the man standing almost beside him on the balcony, and tried to gather himself together.

“I was watching you on the Today Show this morning.”

“You woke up that early?”

A scoff. “Hell no, I just haven’t slept yet dumbass.”

“Aaron…” Nick started, but was at a loss for words for his baby brother. Once, he had been his younger and smaller mirror image, only with brown eyes instead of blue. Over the years that had changed. Aaron claimed it was because he looked more like their father. Nick knew otherwise. Years of bad choices had left their mark on him. Drugs, alcohol, and only God knew what else; the constant abuse had aged him terribly.

He ironically almost looked older than Nick these days, despite being eight years his junior. The lines along his eyes were deeper, his face marked with the tale tell signs of heroin abuse, and a receding hairline that was mocked by Nick’s own still full head of hair. Aaron just smirked sardonically. He had become incredibly bitter when he had never been able to revive the budding music career he had enjoyed when he had been nothing but a child. All it did was strain the once close relationship between the two brothers even more, keeping them to be practically strangers despite all of Nick’s attempts as to otherwise.

“What? Be glad I saw you big gro. Fuck, everyone still loves you, don’t they?”

“People love you too you know.” Amazingly enough, it wasn’t a lie; there were still active fan sites for Aaron. Nick would know, Baylee would mention it on his random Google-fests.

Aaron pulled out the cigarette that rested behind his ear. After lighting it, he took a long drag, shutting his eyes as if were a form of pure undiluted bliss. Nick winced. He quit the habit ages ago, and the last thing he wanted was for another Carter to suffer from a deadly tortuous disease because of bad choices.

“Nothing like you.” His voice dripped with acid. “I’m never enough. And do you know why? Because I’m never fucking Nickolas Gene Carter.” He scratched his arm nervously as the cigarette rested between his lips.

Nick could see the needle marks lined up along his arm when the sleeve rose up. Once again, he winced instinctively. This was far from how he wanted this to go. He had called Aaron, arranging him to meet him up in NYC, he had wanted to try and talk to him. In fact, Nick wanted to tell him everything, and repair what he could while he still had the time. So far, Angel was the only Carter who knew what was to come besides himself. She had sworn not to say anything, understanding why he hadn’t told the rest of their family yet. Nick had thought tonight would be a chance to tell Aaron, a chance to heal.

Instead he could feel his anger bubbling just beneath the surface.

Instead, he was half tempted to just punch his brother in the face, the way he knew he deserved to be.

“You know that’s bullshit.”

“You know it’s fucking not. I’m always fucking compared to you so no matter what the hell I tried it was never enough. You complain about what I do? Well you’re the one who got me here!”

He knew his brother was baiting him. He knew Aaron well enough that he should ignore it. Yet his temper had been intensified more and more with each passing day, ever since his mind began to break down. It was because of this, that he suddenly found himself purely furious.

“Oh so you mean mom, who always ignores me, yet worships you…loves me sooooo much more?! Or do you mean the media? The media’s bipolar, always has been! You need to earn that shit. Instead you just fuck your life away down the damn toilet. God Aaron, stop blaming everyone else and get your fucking act together!”

“You can’t talk to me like that Nick! I’m not a fucking kid anymore!”

“You’re right, you’re not! So grow the hell up!” He screamed, his face starting to turn red from rage and frustration. The two brothers stared at each other. For a moment, it looked like it would actually come to blows. Instead, Aaron turned and went back inside. Nick could hear a loud crash that soon followed.

The door slammed.

And once again, Nick was alone.

Chapter Twenty Seven

The wind tousled his hair gently, crisp and cool unseasonably for California August weather. Nick was standing outside in AJ’s backyard, the day only half gone as the sun shone high in the sky above. He watched the branches of the nearby trees sway almost rhythmically with the swing set. They were using AJ’s studio down in the basement for recording that day. Nick loved every moment, loved the fact that all five of them were making a record again together for the first time in over ten years.

Still, sometimes he would catch the way they looked at him. They would stare when they thought he didn’t see. The expressions caught within their wistful eyes was always a mix of pity and melancholy that made Nick feel as if he were already dead and gone. No matter how upbeat any of them acted. All he wanted, all he needed was to be treated normally – or as normally as possible given the circumstances.

Singing while they stared at him as a dead man walking (no matter how true he knew it to be) wasn’t it.

So when he’d had enough, he announced he needed a break and practically ran for it.

“Uncle Nick...”

It was the voice of Baylee that caused him to turn. It surprised him, as Baylee had been acting distant. Nick had sat him and Mason down a week before, when he and Brian got back from New York. He had known he couldn’t avoid it much longer. He explained to him how he was sick, and that soon he’d be acting strange. They took it well, given the circumstances. Mason, he suspected didn’t really know how serious it was. Baylee, on the other hand, did, and overall avoided Nick. It hurt, but at the same time, he understood. So when he was around, he worked as hard as he could to pretend nothing was wrong.

Today, the wives had gone out for “girl bonding”, so Baylee was supposed to be watching the younger kids with the help of ten year old Mason while they were working on the record. The moment he takes the sight of his surrogate nephews in, he immediately has to swallow back the laughter that begs to surface. Every inch of the thirteen-year-old’s skin visible was covered with various colored paints. Mason was beside him, looking scared but just as brightly decorated. His shaggy blonde hair was now almost entirely a bright, happy, neon blue.

A brow quirked. “Did a double rainbow throw up on you guys?”

Mason shook his head with a glance at his older cousin. “No…they’re CRAZY!”

“Who!”

Two identical giggles could be heard coming from just inside the house. Nick groaned. At their best, Lily and Lenni were as sweet as could be. But, when they really got going, Nick was reminded again how two adorable little girls could be AJ’s daughters. When they stepped outside, Nick could see many little containers of finger paints held within their own colorful arms. Their skin was just as brightly decorated as their youthful babysitters’.

Nick walked over, picking the two up, and ignoring the fact he just got paint all over himself as well. He grinned at them as Mason and Baylee helped to get the paints away from them for now. Each rested on an arm, and once again Nick was reminded that he would never be able to do this with kids of his own. The pain of it was almost breathtaking, but was shoved aside almost immediately. He planted soft kisses on top of their heads, their hair done in many little braids. A sign Rochelle had been by before they arrived.

“What were you two doing?”

Lily beamed. “Making petty body pichures wike daddy’s!”

Nick laughed. Considering their parents, it was a wonder the two hadn’t tried this sooner. If nothing else, AJ would know without a doubt they were his kids. “Your daddy had to wait till he was all grown up before he could have people draw on him. Did you decide Bay and Mace needed them too?”

Lenni smiled softly. “We love them. They got pichures.”

Baylee shook his head as they all walked back into the house. He glanced up at Nick. “I tried to stop them, they’re crazy. And then James found all this funny as shit and…”

“Watch your mouth or Leighanne will kill me." Nick blinked, and looked around. “Wait where is James?”

The curly haired teen with spots of red marring the golden locks looked around, and suddenly panicked that the seven-year-old was no longer just behind him. He spun around, looking like a dog deciding to chase its own tail, and Nick was reminded of the days he’d lose Angel or Aaron, with that same expression of horror on his face. He smirked a bit as he shifted Lily and Lenni within his arms. Mason looked around, calm as can be now, likely because he knew he wouldn’t have to take the fall for any of it. Nick watched him run a hand through his hair, leaving a new violet streak lying along the blue as if he were a radioactive skunk.

“He was…”

“I’ve got him.” Howie said, with James trailing happily behind him. No paint could be seen as he gave a toothy grin identical to his father’s.

“Hey!”

“Jamie! My man!” This earned the evil eyes from Howie, who wasn’t a fan of the nickname. “How come you’re not all painted up too?”

“It was my turn next!”

Nick grinned at Howie. “When he turns eighteen I’ll take him to a tattoo parlor.” He joked, immediately regretting it. No, you won’t. You won’t even know who he is then. The awkward silence that followed confirmed his own thoughts.

“You okay Uncle Nick?” Baylee asked after a moment, looking eerily like Brian with concern in his eyes.

“I’m aight Br…” Shit! “B-Bay.” He replied, catching his slip before anyone else noticed. He set the twins down, beaming at them. The two four-year-old girls had a way of capturing anyone’s heart without even trying.

Lily grinned. “Tan we give you pichures Uncle Nick?”

He shook his head, showing her the tattoo that still resided on his wrist, covering one of the biggest mistakes he’d ever made, twelve years before. “Nah, I got my own, see? Just not as many as your daddy. But I need you two to go get cleaned up with Mace and Bay, okay?”

The two pouted, their brown eyes big and heartbreakingly sad. He shook his head. “For me, okay?”

“O…tay…” When he kneeled down, they both ran to him, each kissing a cheek. He wrapped his arms around them and smiled. Nick glanced over at the two fair-haired cousins as he stood.

“Hey, squirts, get them cleaned up. It’s your job since you were supposed to be watching ‘em.”

“But…they’re crazy!” Mason said once more, shaking his head.

“You two can handle it. Use AJ’s bathroom, it’s like a fricken swimming pool up there.” The two nodded, and Baylee and Mason each took a twin by the hand. The four kids headed upstairs. Nick’s eyes followed them, forgetting Howie and James just beside him. He loved them so much; he loved all the kids his best friends had. They always managed to compensate for the family who failed him every time. The incident with Aaron still weighed heavily on his mind. He shook the thought away.

“You left the studio in a hurry.” Howie started, breaking his reverie.

A shrug. “Wanted some air.”

Howie glanced over at his son, an immediate signal to Nick that he wasn’t going to like where the conversation was about to go. He scratched the back of his neck as he forced his own gaze away from his friend. James peered up at Nick, a grin set firmly on his face.

“You’ll come to my next game right?”

Nick kneeled down so that he was eyelevel with him. “Of course! Man I’ll even bring the biggest foam finger I can find. Cause I’m your biggest fan. Can I paint my face your team colors?”

“That would be AWESOME!”

“Good. I’ll be there then.”

“Hey, go downstairs and tell your uncles we’re up here taking a break with Uncle Nick.”

“Okay!”

As James ran down to do so, Nick turned and immediately made his way back outside. He didn’t glance back as he did so. A butterfly fluttered past him, and he kept his focus on the simple beauty of it in an attempt to ignore the footsteps of his band mate. Everything was just so hard these days. He wondered if he’d even be able to handle the VMAs next week, something he was constantly worrying about amidst all the extra rehearsals he scheduled for it. He had another appointment at the doctor’s tomorrow; to possibly increase the medication he felt was no longer working. He hadn’t heard from Aaron since the incident in New York, and with all this, he felt he didn’t need the fellas unknowingly adding to it.

A hand rested upon his shoulder.

Nick sighed, but made no other motion to even acknowledge Howie’s presence.

“Don’t shut me out.”

He whirled towards him. “Why not? I’m already dead right? I mean I got the will worked out, you guys are already looking at me like I’m a fucking walking corpse… so for all intents and purposes…”

“Nick, this is just as hard for us as it is for you.”

Nick shook his head, turning away. “No, it’s harder. I at least will forget all this soon enough. You guys are left with all this bullshit. Left with me.” A pause. “Thanks, for ya know, helping me work out that living will by the way. I can’t remember if I thanked you.”

“You did, and it was nothing.”

“I’ll probably forget again soon. Remembering anything new these days is a bitch. So, why bother?”

Howie nodded, at a loss for words himself. “So how are you?”

Another shrug. “As good as I can be. I just…I don’t know. I feel like I’m nothing but a pain in the ass for everyone now.”

Howie laughed. “Nick, that just means nothing’s changed. You’ve always been a pain in the ass. It’s just now you know you are.”

“You suck!”

His friend stepped up, putting his arm around him, and now, Nick welcomed his presence. The two chuckled. As the laughter faded, Nick smiled, glancing back over at him. There was an odd look within his normally impish eyes and Howie looked away. Nick said nothing. His arm went around Howie’s shoulders as well. The breeze simply blew around them, as they stood together in silence. These days, there was nothing either of them could say.

At least I’m not alone. He reminded himself. Nick watched Howie out of the corner of his eye. He could see Howie eyeing him as well but trying not to let Nick catch him at it. It was just the brotherly concern Nick had long ago become accustomed to.

Footsteps could be heard once again, and the two looked back. Kevin was standing there waiting for them, a soft smile on his own face. He looked tired, aged, unlike a year ago on that day Nick had told him everything. Nick knew it was his own fault, and the guilt swelled up from within. He loved them so much, owed them so much, and felt horrible that he was putting them through all this.

“Are y’all coming? You know, before I quit the group, a break was ten minutes, not twenty.”

Nick smirked. “Yeah yeah old man, we’re coming.”

“Who are you calling old little man?”

Howie laughed. “I believe that would be you.”

“You know I can still kick your ass.”

“Careful, you might break something.”

As the three headed back inside, Nick swallowed back his emotions. This would be what they remembered. He knew he had to give them as many good memories as possible. He was the one leaving them. The three continued to laugh and joke. None of them wanted to really say what they were thinking. All of them were just trying to put on a show, all of them trying so desperately to be as carefree as they appeared.

Nick knew this, and loved them even more for it. It was because of them, he knew he would never commit suicide. It was because of them he had decided to fight this so hard. It was like he told Howie, this was so hard for him, but for them, it would be worse. One day he was going to be oblivious and he knew it. He wanted to give them now, give them everything he could so they could hold onto it when he was lost.

I owe them that much.

Chapter Twenty Eight

Nick stared at the item he held within his hands as his friends got into the large bright green custom stretch hummer they’d arranged for the evening with him. He couldn’t believe it. Of all days, this had to come out now. He didn’t need this today, not now. All this would do was make everything that much more awkward when they arrived. He didn’t want the questions, didn’t want the harassment until that night when he invited them to. Tabloid magazines taunted him endlessly, reminded him there would be no peace. Not in his life. He continued the stare at them, standing next to the car.

Nick Carter – Caught at the clinic. Back to old habits?

A Dying Man – Nick Carter caught coming out of the doctors, his heart condition coming back to haunt him…was it his own doing?

Nick Carter doesn’t want a solo tour? Or can’t? Is he too trashed to try?

In all of them, he saw himself clearly coming out of the back of the hospital he’d been in days before. It had just been a check up, for the doctors to monitor the progression of the disease. They had upped his medication, as he expected. Ran a few tests, to see where he was at. All stuff that had sadly become a standard within Nick Carter’s life. And now, it was being warped, twisted into something it wasn’t.

At least the last title has it right; it just needs to know the real damn cause.

“I’m sorry bro.” AJ’s voice cut into his thoughts, causing Nick to finally climb into the vehicle and shut the door behind him. He sat, glanced around, and tried to relax.

“I love it. I’m fucked in the head and they think its drugs or my heart.” He shook his head. “What the hell happened to people actually finding out the story?”

Kevin pat his back comfortingly, taking the magazines away from Nick’s grasp. He tossed them on the floor and kicked them out his reach, eyeing him when Nick still began to move for them anyway. He leaned back, shot the oldest member a sheepish grin, and said nothing. It was almost amusing, the way Kevin was still trying to protect them all. Old habits die hard, as his own tattoo said.

“Those pieces of trash think it’s a bigger story if you became like Aaron, that’s all.”

Nick winced at the mention as he shook his head. His hands wrung together nervously. He tried to gather his thoughts and he glanced around in the luxury vehicle. Even though his performance that night was to be solo, as was the announcement, they said they would go with him. They ignored his protests that he could handle it, saying it wasn’t about that. They wanted to arrive as a group to support their youngest brother. Just the five of them. No wives and no kids were to accompany them that night. It was solely the five men who had been together since the beginning, and now would be there till the end.

One last appearance, a final goodbye.

“Nick?” Brian called, his eyes watched him intently.

“Sorry, spaced.”

“It’s okay; I just asked if you heard from him?”

“Aaron?”

Brian nodded, sharing a quick glance with Howie. “Yeah.”

Nick scoffed, not looking any of them in the eye now. “No, he’s mad at me. Ignoring my calls because I told him he needs to get his shit together. Angel’s been checking in on me though, checking on him, and updating me.” The Carters never deserved her; she’s too good for our bullshit. He added on mentally.

“Does he know?” Howie asked? “About…” he left the rest unsaid. None of them actually spoke of the disease by name. It had been taboo for some time. It was as if they were afraid actually saying it would make it progress faster than it already was.

“He never gave me a chance to tell him. I was going to that night. And-”

“Wait, wait, wait little man…”

“-Not little anymore…” Nick interjected.

“Beyond Angel, does anyone in your family know?”

“Nope.” He stared out the window, ignoring the looks he knew he was earning.

“You’re kidding.”

“Does it look like I’m kidding Bri? I didn’t know how to fucking tell them, I first tried to set something up at New Year’s, remember? That was the first plan, and I couldn’t even get far enough to say hi really. And then, I just didn’t want to. It’s not easy to figure out a damn way to tell them when they can’t stand me… unless I’m acting like an ATM. I already warned Angel so she could turn her phone off. So, they’ll find out tonight.”

“Along with the rest of the world.” Howie added on dryly. “That’s not going to go over well.”

Nick shrugged. “Not much with the caring lately.”

AJ smirked. “At least it’ll make things interesting. Your mom’s gonna flip her gourd dude.”

“So nothing new for me then.”

The stretch hummer finally got into the line of vehicles, waiting to arrive at the red carpet. That year the awards were being held at Paramount studios, which he actually liked better than Radio City Music Hall. It hit Nick once again, as they slowly got closer to where the cameras, the glitz, the glamour, and media waited, what all of this meant. They had agreed that tonight and the interviews that followed would be their final appearance as the Backstreet Boys. It would be Nick’s final public appearance all together. It was the end of the façade he had worn since the diagnosis. No more hiding. No more performance. It was the ending, yet it was the beginning. It was the true acceptance.

For everything.

He knew he was slipping more than he would admit to the others. He had to write where he placed things before he slept, so that he could find them the next day. Sometimes, even that didn’t help. Things were becoming harder, and he was completely reliant on his GPS to get around these days. The past and the present were still overall clear, but like in New York, slips were happening. This was going to be it, and then, he would begin to set everything else in motion.

Nick was terrified of what was to come.

The hummer pulled to a stop, and the five of them glanced at each other. Nick smiled. He couldn’t let fear touch him now. Not when he had the best people in his life around him. They were his protective shield and his hope that maybe he had done something right in his life. If he hadn’t, he knew they wouldn’t have stuck with him so long, and would continue to do so until the end.

“You ready?” Howie asked with a tap on the shoulder.

Nick opened the door, and was greeted by an overwhelming amount of light. The five of them exited the car and began their walk down the red carpet. The cameras continued to go off around them. Nick paused, and waited for the others to get to him. When he did, he ran over between the two cousins, with AJ and Howie on each end. He grinned cheekily, posing for the cameras.

“Nick! Over here!”

“Backstreet Boys! We hear you guys are retiring! Is that true?”

“Nick! Is the reason you won’t tour due to drug problems?”

“Are you going to go to rehab? Will Aaron Carter go with you?!”

“Is Backstreet breaking up?”

“Why were you at the doctor’s?”

They waved them off, till Nick took a microphone from one of the paparazzi. “Everything’s gonna be answered after the show. Hell, during the show. So you guys better be payin’ attention when it happens.”

With a grin, he handed it back, and they continued on, where the more legitimate press were waiting for them. They continued down, stopping and posing for the cameras now and again. They looked to be content, happy, and at yet another height of their careers. The image was everything, because they all knew that was what would be flashed to the world when the news hit later that night.

They got to where MTV’s VJs were waiting, all wanting to interview them as the next ones in line. He felt an arm wrap around his shoulder, and smiled at Brian, who understood what he was thinking of without even saying a word. A young girl was waiting for them, with bouncy curly blonde hair, and bright blue eyes. Nick wondered if she even knew much about them, given her age. Before she could open her mouth to greet them, however, something else captured their attention.

“NICK!” A female voice shrieked, holding up a pass hanging around her neck. It was for some paper Nick had never heard of in Georgia. He didn’t get much time to think about this though because she immediately lunged at him.

They fell to the ground, Nick pinned down beneath her overweight body. Lank, dull, brown hair fell into her face hovering over his. She grinned widely as she sat on him. Nick struggled as the Boys immediately tried to wrestle her off of his body. She flattened herself against him. Her arms wrapped securely around his body, refusing to let go. She fit her face into the crook of his neck.

“SECURITY!” Someone yelled, Nick wasn’t sure who, but it sounded like Howie.

“Nick! It’s about time I found you! You remember me right? You called me sexy…and…and we created eye babies together back in 2010!”

Even if he didn’t have Early-Onset Alzheimer’s Nick knew he’d never remember that. He tried shoving her off, but she held on fast, a human leech. They were being jerked around, and he figured it had to be from the fellas trying to pull her off. Nick glanced up at her and she looked down at him again.

“You gotta let me up…how did you even get in here?!” He asked, trying not to sound frightened, but failing. She reminded him of the more “passionate” fans in Brazil.

“I’m a journalist!” She exclaimed proudly. “And now I’ve found you, and we can be together…and…” Her mouth pressed against his, her tongue snaking into his own. Disgusted by the clearly psychotic and delusional fan’s actions Nick did the only thing he could - he bit her tongue.

She shrieked. The reaction gave her enough pause that the beefy security men who just arrived were able to pull her away. Gentle arms helped pull him back up to a standing position. He didn’t bother to look at who it was, he knew. Nick stared as the nameless fan was torn away, struggling and screaming to get back to him. Her face was bright red, tears streamed down her face.

“But wait! I needed to ask him questions! I’m a journalist!” The middle aged woman fought to break free again. “I wanted to ask him about fan fiction! The world wants to KNOW! We’re meant to be Nick!” And finally, she disappeared from sight. He took a deep breath, trying to settle his own nerves.

This was clearly going to be a night to remember, or in his case…forget.

****

Nick peered around from backstage. The fellas were sitting out in the audience, and now he could finally quit hiding how nervous he was. He had just escaped makeup; his headset mike was just hooked in, along with his ear piece. Nick just hoped it didn’t glitch on him. He had a history of bad moments where he couldn’t hear himself on the earpiece and therefore couldn’t keep himself in tune. He had a guitar strapped around him, red and black, one he’d had since the “Now or Never” days of his solo performing. As the lights went dark, and the cameras cut to commercial, Nick walked slowly to the large stage set up for his performance. He stood there, breathing, and looking sneakily at the crowd waiting for him. He was the last song of the night, and with good reason.

Just remember, they’re set to tell you lyrics in the earpiece if you look lost. So stay calm. He reminded himself. Jenn had truly thought of everything to help make sure this moment was iconic in its own way.

“And now, back with his third solo record, from the Backstreet Boys…Nick Carter!”

Strobe lights began to flash around him, as he readied himself. The beginning notes began to play from the piano below on the side of the stage. His head shot up. The lights stopped, except for the sole spotlight that settled upon him.

“Lost out on the road with my head spin-spinning, speeding heading for a dead end…”

Pyrotechnics shot up on either side of him as he made his way down the steps. He grinned. “But I turned it around...” He looked to his left. “YOU!” A chorus came from the background singers just out of his line of vision. “I did it for you…” He looked to his right. “YOU!” He stared directly at the crowd before him, jumping down from the steps and onto the stage. He meant every word.

“I did it for you…” On his album the song would continue. However he wanted to be sure the message simply got to them. The music began to change, have a rockier edge because of his love of all styles of music, especially rock. He played the guitar feeling the music as he made his way up to the edge of the stage, the music far more upbeat now. Nick wanted to give them a performance no one would ever forget.

Behind him the stage he was just on split into too, pulling away. A scene of a broken down Hollywood sign took its place. Dancers also came up on the stage, dolled up in jewels and fancy clothing, meant to be a mockery of the world of fame he lived in. Nick was dead center of it all, adrenaline running high, and somehow he knew, everything would be alright as he began to sing.


So you wanna be famous
You're looking for that rush that comes along
Well come along with me baaaby
And I'll give you one Hollywood Style

Welcome to lifestyles of the rich and famous
That's the American dream
Nothing's as it appears, nothing's as it seems
You can't see the darkness within
It's a world of glitz and glamour
One run by corruption and sin...

The dancers surrounded him with cameras, as if they were paparazzi. Bright lights strobbed heavily around him. He broke free of the circle of the dancers, and ran to the edge of the stage, lost within the music.

It's alright you're safe with me baby
Come with me on the ultimate thrill ride

You looking for a thrill
You wanna go on that ride
Well come along with me baby,
I'll give you one Hollywood Style

He pulled a dancer close, the lead. He let the guitar fall to the side of him as the backing band continued to play. While the other dancers continued to stare and snap pictures as part of the performance, he pulled her close, kissing her deeply. Nick smirked, looking at the crowd.

I’ll give you one Hollywood style

He looked to have shoved her aside, and resumed his guitar once more. He ran to one edge of the stage, grinning at the fans reaching out to touch him as he sang. Nick felt the pride at what he did consume him, keep the energy he needed to finish the performance. He didn’t think about what was about to come after when the song ended.

Hollywood will suck your soul
That's the price of fame
You give up yourself
And they grant you your dreams
Now the dream gone, nightmare's forever alive
On this fucked up Hollywood Thrill Ride...

But it's alright you're safe with me baby
Come with me on the ultimate thrill riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide!

Nick continued to play, holding the note for as long as he could do so vocally. Passion for the music consumed him, in a way it hadn’t before.

You looking for a thrill
You wanna go on that ride
Well come along with me baby,
I'll give you one Hollywood Style

Nick didn’t try to see if the crowd was truly into it or not. For once, he didn’t care. This wasn’t about them this time. Despite the fact it was for them, it wasn’t about them. This was about him, who he was, and everything he loved. He loved music, loved performing. Somehow, Nick hoped that would never change. Even when his memories left him. He was at the center of the stage once again, singing his heart out in a way he hadn’t done for years.

You try to escape, to break away free
You want to live, you want to just be
It's never gonna happen...they own your soul
For every dream granted, you gave them control...
Did you love it?
Was it worth it?
Did you enjoy the thrill...?

It's alright you're safe with me baby
Come with me on the ultimate thrill ride...

I'm gonna escape
I'm gonna survive...
So come on you're safe with me baby...

On this ultimate Hollywood Thrill Ride...


The music faded, and the lights went dark. The spotlight settled on him once again. To him, the performance was perfect. It had been just the way he’d imagined it to be. A lasting legacy to leave behind once he told the world the truth he had been hiding. For a moment all he could hear was his own breathing. Then, the crowd erupted with cheers. So many were standing and cheering. Nick looked around, amazed he could have such a perfect moment still within his life.

“Once again…Nick Carter!” The host said, only to be drowned out once again by the cheers. Nick bowed, grinning, waving. He couldn’t believe how well received it was. His solo career had never reached the highs his career in the group had, and he’d always been okay with that. Now, with the ending of everything so near, he was just incredibly thankful to have people loving the music what he’d put his heart and soul in.

Nick headed backstage, taking off his guitar, getting cleaned up by makeup. He only had a few moments, as they had just gone to commercial. He took a long swig of water. They took his headset equipment off. Too many people were hurrying about him; trying to make sure he was ready to go back out and announce what people thought would be a special announcement. Only it was just the sad truth he was living with. His high was slowly dying, and he plummeted back to reality.

When he was given the signal, Nick jogged back onto the stage, going directly to the podium. The cheers began again, and Nick found himself beaming, despite the situation. He would be remembered, he knew, and he would be loved by so many for what he created during his lifetime. That’s what he wanted to believe, that’s what he told himself repeatedly. As the crowd once again quieted down, Nick swallowed hard. He lifted up the microphone waiting for him.

“Thank you. I know you think I’m about to say the winner for some um, special award, but that’s not it.” He stepped away from the podium, walking out on the stage to keep himself busy. “I have an announcement to make, and…I’d like to thank MTV for this opportunity to do so, here at the VMAs. And I’d like to thank my brothers, AJ, Howie, Kevin, and Brian…for supporting me right now as I try to tell you what…what it is.”

Nick sighed. Now or Never.

“I’ve been diagnosed….” He stopped, his voice catching within his throat. He coughed, to clear it and start again. “I’ve…I’ve been diagnosed with Early…Early Onset Alzheimer’s disease. And this…this will be my final performance.”

The crowd that had been so loud with cheers only minutes before, was now utterly silent.

Chapter Twenty Nine

Dramatic music began to play. The camera panned around a small enclosed area, the walls nothing but red curtain. It passed over Nick after hovering for only moments on him. Finally, it settled upon the middle aged red headed woman holding the microphone with a professional smile. Nick fidgeted as he observed her. It had only been an hour since the VMAs had ended, and all he wanted right then was to go sleep. He felt drained.

“Hello this is MTV News…I’m Sue Tenney here with a special bulletin.”

It felt so surreal, being there, about to be interviewed. Finally, there was nothing left for him to hide. Despite the media frenzy that was already there, the attention that was only going to get worse, it felt so liberating to have it off his chest completely. He glanced around, unable to keep himself still. It was something he’d never been able to do during interviews. This time it was worse than usual. He caught sight of AJ and Kevin waiting next to the cameraman filming them. Brian and Howie had gone off to give statements to the press so that Nick would be hounded less.

“I have here with me…” He tuned back into reality, hearing her voice. “Nick Carter, of the Backstreet Boys…” He watched her approach where he was sitting, and sat herself down across from him.

“Hey Sue.”

“Hello Nick, thank you for being here.” She made it sound as if he volunteered. Really, this had been the stipulation Jenn had agreed to, so that Nick could make the statement at the VMAs. Nick had to give MTV the first interview before anyone else. Nick only prayed he didn’t botch it up. So far, he’d been doing so well. The night was feeling long enough as it was without any mistakes adding to it.

“Now Nick, you made quite the stir tonight…can you tell us once again, what you said at the end of the show?”

He licked his lips and leaned back. “I’ve been diagnosed with the beginnings with Early-Onset Alzheimer’s Disease.” It was weird, how it never got any easier to say it, no matter how many times he’d had to. “Basically…um…my memory’s starting to go. One day, I’ll be to…um…to the point where I won’t remember anything at all.” A pause. “Um…it’s what President Regan had.”

Sue nodded, appearing interested it. He wondered if she actually was. Somehow, he doubted it. “When did you learn you had this terrible disease?”

“June…I forget the day…but, yeah, June 2015.”

“So over a year ago.”

“Yes.”

“What caused you to find out?”

Nick bit his lip. “When we, the Backstreet Boys, I um, mean…did a performance for our previous album, Phoenix, at the Early show, and I don’t know if anyone really caught it… but I forgot the lyrics. I’d never done that before. Brian covered it up, but I knew then something wasn’t right, and I got myself checked out soon after…and learned it was, well ya know.”

“Why the secrecy once you learned about it?”

“There…there were things I wanted to do, to finish.” He ran his hands through his hair. “I couldn’t do them if people knew.” He looked directly at the camera then, his eyes focused, passionate, and determined. “I love what I do. I love my fans, and I wanted to…to give them everything I could. I wanted to give back to the world with my new non-profit, living free. I wanted to really give my all, while I could still do it.”

“You still appear to have it pretty together Nick-”

“Thank you.”

“Why tell us now then?”

Nick sighed, looking agitated as his fingers tapped repeatedly against his legs. He didn’t answer. Instead, he simply gazed away with a glazed look within his eyes. Silence settled between them awkwardly till the interviewer touched his leg gently.

“Nick?”

“Huh?” He asked, startled from the reverie he had been in. His brow creased. What am I doing? Nick looked around almost panicked as he took in his surroundings. What the hell is going on? He saw the camera, and tried to stay calm. Don’t panic. He saw the woman across from him, and realized she looked pretty annoyed.

“Sorry.” He felt the need to apologize, even if he had no idea what he was apologizing for. Nick almost felt like crying, he hated feeling so damn confused so much lately.

“Would you like me to repeat the question?”

Nick nodded, realizing he was being interviewed. Must be about the VMAs. That he remembered. It was everything after the announcement that was a gigantic blank. Nick glanced at his watch and saw the time. He’d lost over an hour. Holding inside his raging frustration at having to guess what was happening, he spotted AJ and Kevin. He could see the worry written plainly upon their faces.

It would be for them that he would act like nothing was wrong.

“I asked why tell us now, when you seem to still be able to function?”

“Because it’s getting worse.” Nick replied, while thinking, Is it ever. He shifted in his seat, feeling more uncomfortable by the minute. He only prayed he wasn’t repeating whatever he had said earlier. “It’s more…visible, and I can feel the effects. I wanted to be able to talk about it, with my fans, with the world…while I still can. Hell, maybe I’ll bring more attention to it this way. I’d never wish this disease on anyone…and um, if the attention brings on a cure, then I’ll have done some good with all this.”

“How have people around you been handling this, once you told them?”

Nick smiled. “Amazing. They’ve been so um…there for me. It makes everything less…less frightening.” He looked directly at his band mates, his brothers, and the smile grew. “I don’t know what I would’ve done without them.”

****

The phone continuously rang the next morning, forcing Nick to be awake far sooner than he wanted to be. He stretched and yawned, staring up at the ceiling. He didn’t want to get out of bed. He didn’t want to try and even begin to deal with what he knew would be waiting for him once he got out of bed. Even so, he sat up and swung his legs over the edge of the bed. Nick saw himself in the mirror, and took in his image. Something caught his eye and he ran for the mirror to get a closer look.

“Nooooo!” He whined, as he touched a single grey hair within a nest of blonde. “Dammit you’re not supposed to exist till I hit forty and don’t care anymore!”

Before he could curse out the world even more, the phone rang yet again, demanding his attention. He walked down the hall with only a pair of boxers on that hung low on his hips. He made it out into the living room, and stood before the phone and answering machine that decided not to leave him alone. The ringing then stopped. Nick stared at it for a moment. Gently, his finger hit the play button.

“Nick, it’s Angel, just seeing if you’re okay after last night. Hope you know everyone’s gonna call. They won’t leave me alone. Talk to you later okay? Love ya!”

BEEP!

“NICKOLAS GENE CARTER! This is your mother! How dare you tell the world before your own family!? How dare you not come to us? I’m in Los Angeles to see Aaron-” Nick blinked. Aaron was back in town? It hurt that he didn’t even have a clue. “-and I am going to stop by. We are going to talk and-”’

At this point, Nick hit the delete button.

BEEP!

“Nick, it's Jana. You said you didn’t want to do a ton of interviews.” A wry grin appeared when he heard her voice. She’d been the PR agent for the group for years. “…Rolling Stone’s interested. It’ll be easier than a TV interview. Though if you want…” He could almost hear the smirk in her voice. “I bet I can get you Barbra Walters. Call me back Carter!”

BEEP!

“Hello Nick! It’s Leighanne sweetie. I’m gonna stop by today okay? I know everything’s been rough. And if your family stops by, the way Husband thinks they well, you’ll have some backup since Husband and the Boys decided they’re going to deal with the press today…” They are? He thought. “…to give you a break. So I’ll see you soon!”

BEEP!

“Nick, it’s BJ, call me back you little shit.” Nick laughed, it was pretty typical of his sister, and she did sound worried.

BEEP!

“Hey big brother, it’s Leslie…why, why didn’t you say anything?”

BEEP!

“Nick, it’s Lauren. I watched last night – you were amazing and I was so proud of you. I know you don’t want me coming by because…because it’s too hard, but I want you to know…that…well…I still love you.” His heart cracked at how broken she sounded. His eyes felt misty, but no tears fell.

I never did deserve her.

“You have no more messages.”

Nick ambled into the kitchen. What hurt wasn’t the messages, or who left them. Instead, it was the people who didn’t call. Even his mother, who was the last person he wanted to see, cared enough to call. His sisters had all called to check in on him. Unlike his dad. Or Aaron. They hadn’t cared enough to try and get in contact with him. He knew they knew by now, and the lack of any reaction at all hurt more than he wanted to admit. He shook his head at himself. Nick fixed himself a bowl of cereal silently, and went back into the living room. He flopped on the couch, holding the bowl in one hand and used the other to grab the remote and turned on the TV.

“Nick Carter shocks the world-“

He changed the channel.

“Alzheimer’s, Carter could not be reached for further comments-”

Nick rolled his eyes and changed it again. This time, he saw himself on stage at the tail end of his performance. His fist in the air, looking exhilarated and alive on the screen. A replay of the night before. He smiled a little.

“At least I killed it last night.”

Knock. Knock. Knock.

Expecting it to be his brother, or more hoping so than anything, he just glanced at the door.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

He knew he couldn’t ignore him. He didn’t even want to ignore him really, but he also wasn’t in the mood for the drama that was inevitable to follow.

“Door’s open!”

Leighanne walked inside, immediately spotting him on the couch. Nick jumped, the bowl falling to the ground. “Shit! Sorry Leigh, I thought it’d be Aaron.” She watched him, an eyebrow raised and her hands on her hips. “Let…let me go change.”

She laughed. “Please. I’ll clean up while you do.”

“You don’t have to.”

“It’s okay, now go get dressed!”

“Errr…right.” Nick ran off to his room, mentally kicking himself for forgetting Leighanne was dropping by. The relationship between them was a strange one. When she first began to date Brian, Nick had openly hated her. He’d done everything he could to try and split them up. He threw a random shirt on. He’d also tried to convince Brian she was nothing but a gold-digger. Nick had even gone as far as to go on and start that rumor that she’d originally been interested in AJ.

He rummaged around through his completely disorganized closet for a clean pair of pants. Once she’d married Brian who had ignored him and his warnings, their friendship had become distanced. Looking back, Nick realized this was his own fault. It had been because of his bad lifestyle choices that Brian couldn’t and wouldn’t abide by. Back then, Nick had blamed Leighanne. So much so that he would openly call her Yoko, even right in front of her. There had been a lot of tension between the two. It wasn’t until 2009, after Nick had gotten his act together, and after Nick began to repair his relationship with Brian, that the two of them were finally able to get on friendly terms.

Now, seven years later, she almost felt like another one of Nick’s sisters. It felt strange, yet right at the same time, anytime he really thought about it. Finally, he cheered when he discovered a pair of black pants in the back of the closet. He got them on, ran a hand though his hair without looking in the mirror, and headed back out. Nick didn’t wanna look and be reminded of the grey demon that had possessed one of his hairs.

He saw her on the floor, drying up the bit of carpet where the cereal had spilled. Nick reached a hand out to her and helped her up. She gave him a smile and the two headed into the kitchen with the towel and dishes. Neither said anything for a moment while Nick set them in the sink.

“How are you holding up?”

Nick shrugged. “Best as I can. You were right about coming by. Mom’s due to come by today.”

She nodded. “Angel called Husband, thought you might need the support.”

I owe Angel so much.

“How are you really Nick? You know you’re lying and so do I.”

Nick looked away. “I can’t go a day without forgetting something now. I’m losing time, and it’s scaring the heck out of me. Last night during the interview, I lost myself; I don’t even remember the first half. It felt like I was asleep and woke up mid-interview. But I wasn’t.”

She placed a hand on his shoulder. “I wish I knew a way to make all of this better.”

“Get in line for that one.”

She watched him carefully, eyeing his movements, the hitches in his body language. His wasn’t looking at her directly, he kept avoiding her gaze. Her eyes narrowed. “What are you not telling me?”

“Something I haven’t even told the fellas yet.”

“So, tell me.”

Lines formed in her face as her brows furrowed. She turned him towards her. It was weird, how many things could change over the years. Time was, he’d never tell her anything. Now, he wanted to, needed to.

“I didn’t tell them everything about the doctor’s visit. They um…” he paused, trying to find the words he was looking for. That was something else that was becoming harder. Nick always had his own way of saying things, even the fans joked about him having his own language. But now, it was becoming more difficult than it used to be.

“What?”

“They said to make sure I have my affairs in order. And I do. But, they, they’re worried about how far it’s going. They think it’s like…de-de-oh fuck it, they think it’s getting worse faster than they thought it would. That ya know, I don’t even have five years.” He looked down at her now, his eyes shining with unshed tears. “I’m fucking scared.”

For once, she didn’t’ chastise him about his language, the way she normally would. She simply hugged him. His face went into her shoulder, neither said anything. He was just thankful to have her, to have everyone he had in his life. She pulled away, giving him a weak smile.

“Husband and I, we’re praying for you. You know that right?”

He nodded. Before he could say anything, the two were interrupted by another set of knocks on the door. These were faster, angrier, than the ones from when Leighanne had been at the door. His jaw set. He had a burning suspicion about who would be on the other side. Nick simply hoped he’d be wrong as he had been earlier. The two walked over to the front door, and Nick could hear someone yelling on the other side. He groaned. This time he was right. He hesitated for a moment before opening the door.

“Hi mom.”

Chapter Thirty

“Aren’t you going to let me in Nick?”

Nick and Leighanne stepped back, to make room for Jane Carter. She looked around the place with an air of disdain as Nick shut the door. He watched her, saying nothing. Nick knew what was coming, and from past experience he knew the best thing was to just let her say it before even attempting to say anything himself.

“Hello Mrs. Carter.” Leighanne said tightly. Nick was suddenly amused, there wasn’t much that truly got to her like that. Then again, he always knew his mother had a knack for that.

Jane Carter glanced around the place, patting her bleached blonde hair. She turned back to Nick as he watched her. Leighanne stood there, and Nick felt bad. She probably felt awkward. Nick took a deep breath, readying himself. The two stared at each other, eye to eye, mother and son.

“I can’t believe you.”

He scoffed in disbelief. “Me? You can’t believe…me.”

“Yes! The fact you care so little about us that you couldn’t even tell us before you announced it on National TV!”

Nick rolled his eyes at her. “Couldn’t? How about you wouldn’t let me? You want to know when I originally planned to tell you? New Years Fucking Eve! Yeah, that’s right. But ohhhh no, instead you guys wanted to fight about how awful I am. I even tried to get back in touch with you guys before this. But no. You asked for money and then hung the hell up when I said no!”

Jane stared at him, her eyes wide with shock. “That’s ridiculous! I am your mother and-”

“You’re my mother? No. You haven’t been my mother in nineteen years. All you’ve seen me as is a fucking ATM and it’s about damn time I told you so flat out!”

“I can’t believe this, I am absolutely outraged!”

“You shouldn’t be!”

“I should be! You’re a disgrace Nickolas Gene! You’ve done nothing but make me ashamed I’m your mother. Between the drugs, the problems, and the therapy…”

“You know what caused all that? Wondering why you and dad did the shit you did! Never thinking I’m good enough! You know who fucked me up so bad it took me years to try and fix it? You! You and your money obsessed bullshit! I’ve fucking had it!”

“Money obsessed?” She scoffed. “You owe it to me! Who drove you to all the auditions? Who put your career before everything else?!”

“Who paid all the damn bills because dad couldn’t keep a damn job? It wasn’t you! If I owed you anything I paid it all off before I even hit eighteen!”

Leighanne stepped between them, eyeing Nick carefully. “Okay, I think that’s enough. Everyone needs to calm down, sit, and try talking this out, okay?”

Jane looked at her hauntingly. “I don’t need some self-righteous religious nut trying to come between me and Nicky!”

“Don’t talk to her that way! And don’t fucking call me Nicky! I hate being called Nicky! I’m not Nicky! I’m Nick! And another thing! Don’t talk to me this way in my fucking house! You can leave if this is what you’re gonna do!”

His face was red, he hated saying all this. Even though all of it was true, he had never been able to bring himself to this level of honesty with his mother. But now, it was as if the floodgates holding all of this inside him had finally been released. “This is exactly why I didn’t fucking tell you! Because of this! Why, why do you gotta be like this?! Why am I just dollar signs to you mom?”

Jane stared at him at a loss for words. “I…I…”

His tone lowered, wavered with emotion. “You try to trick me for money; you try to “bond” as a way to scam money out of me. Why, why is money always more important to you than me? I’m your son…why don’t you see me as that?”

The question hung within the air. It thickened it, weighed heavily on the three of them. None of them were able to say anything. Minutes passed by awkwardly. They didn’t look at each other. Their eyes continually shifted around to avoid the others. Nick was staring at the floor when he heard the door slam, and the footsteps that followed. A glance up and he saw Leighanne shaking her head sadly as she embraced him.

I’ll never find out why she loves money more than me.

The trick, he realized, would be learning to finally accept that.

****

“I’m sorry…for everything.”

“Me too.”

Nick glanced over at his sister, the female spitting image of his own face. Over the years he was always told they looked more twins than Aaron and Angel. What he hadn’t known, was how much Leslie resented him for it. The two were sitting in an airport, waiting for her bags. She’d called an hour after their mother had stormed out of his home, asking him to pick her up. The call had shocked him. This wasn’t the reaction he expected. Still, his heart was warmed by the fact she was here, and by their open conversation. This had been something their relationship had needed for some time. They sat on the hard, stiff, chairs, swinging their legs in a similar fashion.

“I used to hate you, you know.”

He glanced over at her. “Why?”

“Part of me was jealous. You were the Carter that made it, people loved you-”

“You mean my looks.”

“Your voice too. You were famous; you got to live the dream. And it’s weird, because it was my dream too. But it didn’t take long for mom to make it a nightmare. Suddenly she was obsessed with getting us out there too. At first it was fun…being “just like Nick”, but it doesn’t take long for that to get old, ya know? I wanted to be a singer, but doing it my way, not yours.”

“I’m sorry. I wasn’t there, and I-”

“You couldn’t be. You were touring. You weren’t home, how were you supposed to protect us from what was going on when you were overseas performing for thousands of fans? So, I started hating you, I felt like all of it was your fault.”

“I didn’t know.”

“I know, and…I never told you. It’s not your fault mom forced me to try and be you. In her eyes, it worked for you and Aaron, why not me too?” Leslie shrugged, giving a smirk. “I loved music, you know that. I live it…you know how that is. I just wasn’t the mainstream pop artist she wanted me to be. And she’s never forgiven me for it.”

Nick sighed. “Maybe if I never became a singer, you guys…”

“Would’ve still been put through all this, only without you being able to help as much as you did.” She finished for him. “For years I made excuses for mom, part of the guilt thing. I felt bad for not being the popstar she wanted me to be. So she always made me feel like I was supposed to always be there to take care of her. I fell for it, maybe I wanted to. I wanted her to love me for me and not hate me because I’m not…not you. We’d talk about you and Aaron a lot.”

He blinked. “You did?”

“Yeah… She always made it look like…like you were happy when she was down, that…”

“It’s okay, that’s what mom does. She manipulates, to try and get what she wants.”

“You sound like you hate her.”

“I don’t hate her, I hate what she does. What she and dad did to us, to our family.”

“I do too.”

Nick pulled her close, hugged her from the side. “Thanks for coming all the way out here. You didn’t have to, ya know.”

Leslie rolled her eyes, blowing a stray dyed blonde lock away from her eyes. She began to fidget, a trait they also shared. Years ago, she’d been diagnosed as bi-polar, but Nick always wondered if he wasn’t the only one with ADD in the family. If anyone was to have it, he’d have guessed Leslie. At least the medication stabilized her. He used to worry about her and her old attention seeking behaviors a lot, and feared they would lead her down a path similar path to Aaron’s. Thankfully, that never happened.

“Of course I did. You don’t learn your brother is…” She paused. “Well, you don’t learn it and just blow it off like nothing. I’m sorry Nick. I’m sorry for treating you the way I did, I’m sorry for always believing mom…and I’m sorry that I made you feel like you couldn’t tell me. That’s what bugs me the most, that you felt like you couldn’t tell any of us but Angel.”

Nick glanced away, and thought maybe her bags had been lost on the luggage carousel. “Maybe I should’ve tried harder to tell you guys.”

A pause came between them.

“Have you heard from dad yet?”

“…No. BJ called. Aaron hasn’t yet. He’s still mad cause we fought. I told him to get his act together.”

“Aaron doesn’t care about anyone anymore.”

“I don’t believe that.” I can’t believe that.

“Oh! I think I see my stuff!”

“About time, you’d think they came from Egypt or something.”

The bags finally slid down into their view, causing his sister to jump up. Her leg caught Nick’s as she did. Nick, who was also trying to stand, flew forward. Leslie tried to regain her balance and instead ran into Nick. Nick who was trying to stay standing bumped into someone pushing a luggage cart. The poor lady tripped as a result, shoving the cart as she did. The cart raced down the aisle, causing people to jump out of the way. The scene looked like it belonged in an offbeat comedy movie.

Leslie landed on top of Nick and immediately she rolled off of him. Her purse had flown out of her grip, gone up in the air. The two watched it in what felt like slow motion before it slammed down on Nick’s stomach. The body spray within burst on impact, filling the air with the overly strong scent of roses. The two looked around at the chaotic scene they had just created. Neither said anything. Instead, they just laughed. People were watching them, eyed them as if they were just released from the insane asylum, and the two continued to laugh. Nick’s laugh was an infectious one, childish and light. Leslie grinned at him, and he grinned back.

For the first time in years, he felt close to her again.

Chapter Thirty One

Nick rubbed his backside as he rode along the cobblestone path. He glanced at Kevin oddly. The two were horseback riding, and Nick was beginning to wonder why he’d agreed to do so. This wasn’t something he’d choose to do on his own. He would never say it, but he felt these days he was living for everyone in his life that he cared about, rather than himself. How could it be for his own satisfaction when he lived with the knowledge that one day he wouldn’t remember any of it? Brian always got mad at him if he vocalized such thoughts. He kept telling Nick to pray, but he could see it in his best friend’s eyes, Brian didn’t believe in the power of prayer the way he once did. He tried to cast the thoughts aside and just enjoy the moment.

Easier said than done of course.

The sun was high in the sky that September morning, with the troubles and excitement of August now behind them. The world was still reeling from the news he’d revealed only two weeks before. There wasn’t a day without calls from various media, all hounding him for the long exclusive interview he was continuously denying.

Maybe I’ll do that Rolling Stone interview, just so everyone else can leave me the hell alone.

The fellas were doing their best to protect him from it. They were the ones talking to the public; they were the ones being interviews, calling the radio stations, making appearances. Of course, that in the end made Nick all the more desirable. He felt like a recluse these days. More often than not, he was choosing to stay home. There were times he would visit the beach, but it wasn’t as often as it once was. He knew everyone was worried about him, about him staying so secluded. That was what had him outside on that beautiful day. A breeze blew around them, tossing the red tinged leaves into the air and along their path. There was no one observing them. They were alone and at peace with nature.

Nick would never admit it, but this was exactly what he needed.

“My ass hurts.”

Kevin snickered, looking right on top of the horse in a way Nick knew he never would. All he needed was a cowboy hat to complete the image. “Stop whining.”

“I’m not whining!” He whined, sticking his tongue out at him playfully.

“So, how are you Nick? I mean really.”

“Other than my ass being sore as hell?”

Kevin smirked. “Yes.”

“I’m alright, BJ got into town last night, and she hugged me after crying for an hour. The reading of the…well ya know…is tomorrow and I’m nervous.”

Silence settled between them as both men reflected on what that meant. Nick had made the decision that when the will was read; he would be there as well. The idea was that if it was announced while was really still within a state of “sound mind” that there wouldn’t be much room for anyone to contest it. The idea of that was tragic, but on that same note, Nick knew his family well. Nick liked to think he was simply being overcautious. If anything, he didn’t want to be proven right. He wanted more than anything to be proven wrong.

“Did you ever hear from…?”

“Aaron? Fuck no. My dad? Yeah, for like ten minutes, he finally called yesterday. I think Leslie made him do it. She’s still crashing on my couch.”

Kevin nodded and the two fell silent once again. Their horses trotted slowly, comfortably. Nick looked around, wondering what it would be like when he could no longer remember anything. Would he still be himself deep down? Would it be like being in a coma but not able to wake up? The questions he’d ask himself were morbid. They were also unknown. Despite the fear they caused, he still couldn’t help but think them anyway.

“Penny for your thoughts?”

“They ain’t worth that much anymore.”

A fuzzy brow quirked. “Not the way I hear it. People are chomping at the bit to hear from you.”

Nick shrugged, suddenly feeling the urge to go faster. “How do you accelerate with these damn things?”

“That’s probably not the best-”

The heels of his feet slammed into the sides of his chestnut colored horse. It neighed loudly before taking off fiercely. Nick yelped before he leaned forward and tightened his grip. The horse ran at a pace Nick definitely hadn’t expected. A quick look around showed the blurring of his surroundings and Nick yelped yet again as the horse leapt over something he couldn’t see.

“Keviiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin!” He yelled, trying his best to slow the animal down. “Okay! Stop! Hold up! Come onnnnn!”

He could hear Kevin pursuing him, wished that Kevin’s horse skills were as good as he liked to say they were. The chase continued and Nick felt like he was in a really bad western. He could hear Kevin yelling for him, and then laughing. Nick heard himself whining and tugged as hard as he could on the reigns.

“I said WHOA-aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!” He screamed as the creature came to a sudden halt. Nick was thrust forward. He flew off the horse and over its head. He crashed in a nearby mud puddle off to the side of the path. Mud splashed everywhere. His surroundings spun for a moment as he sat up and attempted to regain his bearings. Nick rubbed the side of his head. Kevin rode up calmly as Nick spit and sputtered out all the dirt and water that had gotten in his mouth. His golden hair was now wet, thick, and dark. His face was caked with the gunk, his clothes surely ruined. Bright blue eyes stood out amongst his face of brown as he stared at Kevin who now couldn’t stop laughing. Nick crossed his arms and pouted, still seated in the puddle.

“Why did I think this was a good idea again?”

“I think it’s the best idea I’ve ever had.”

Nick rolled his eyes. “Ha. Ha. Ha.”

****

For the first time since he got the place, Nick suddenly felt suffocated in his own living room. He was leaning against the back of the black leather sofa, watching everyone. When he glanced downwards, there sat Leslie, Angel, Bobbie Jean, and Brian. In one of the red lay-z-boy chairs, Kevin sat, waiting expectantly. In the other chair, on the left side of the couch, was Howie. AJ was sitting on the floor cross-legged and shifting every few minutes. Nick could hear his bad knee pop every time he did. He glanced around and spotted his mother. She paced impatiently with the look of someone who would rather be anywhere else. Nick thought the same. He didn’t want her here and in fact was regretting his own decision about her. Even if he knew it would make everything easier.

Before them all stood a bookish man in a slick Armani suit. His salt and pepper hair was slicked back with gel. He cleared his throat before adjusting the thick black framed glasses that beheld two small beady eyes. This was Nick’s lawyer, Jonathan Keller, and one of the rare people on Nick’s list of those he trusted. He’d worked for him years and they have also been friends for some time. There was no one else he would’ve asked to get involved with this.

Another glance to the door. No one knocked or rang the doorbell. I’m better off, he told himself. Did it matter if his father and brother had chosen not to show up even after they’d been notified? Nick made sure they had been, having done it through certified mail to be sure they would get it. He thought about how everyone would have gone if they had come. It would’ve just been more fucking drama, he tried to convince himself as he ignored the sour taste that suddenly appeared in his mouth.

And I don’t need any more of that shit today.

“Now you all know why you’ve been brought here.” Jonathan’s voice sliced through his thoughts. “But to reiterate, it’s because you’re listed in the last will and testament of Nickolas Gene Carter. He requested the reading be done now, while he’s still in a competent state of mind so that no questions will come up later on when he is no longer as such.”

Jane Carter was the first to look personally affronted by that last statement. Nick wasn’t shocked, as it had been specifically directed at her, his father, and Aaron. He loved them, but he was no longer the fool he used to be when it came to them in years past. He eyed her curiously, waiting for her to say something, but was surprised when her mouth simply opened and then closed without a word.

“So let us begin,” his lawyer cleared his throat yet again. Nick considered going to get him water. He looked down at his papers and began to read.

I…Nickolas Gene Carter, being in a sound state of mind, do hereby make, publish and declare this to be my Last Will and Testament and do revoke any and all other Wills and Codicils heretofore made by me. I write this now knowing this will be read while I am still alive, and deteriorating by a disease that will soon rob me of my current frame of mind.

So I’ll keep this simple.

Brian Thomas Littrell, my best friend and brother in more ways than I can count. I name you as my guardian. When I am no longer considered capable of taking care of myself or able to make decisions, I want you to be the one to make them for me. You will be the one who decides my future care. I’m sorry to be such a burden to you, but I hope you’ll forgive me.

“Why are you apologizing?” He could hear Brian mutter, his voice broken.

Kevin Scott Richardson, I name you as the executor of my estate. You’ve been like my father in more ways than one, and if anyone could keep everything in line, it would be you. Thank you for everything. You’ve saved my life more than once, and I was blessed when you joined the group.

To the above mentioned, I also give the two of you the sole rights to any and all music recordings done with the group and solo. There are two albums worth the solo recordings locked away on my computer, and the discs are within my safe. You have my blessings to release them when you want, as a last gift to the fans who loved us.

He glanced over at Kevin, but he kept his head down. He thought he heard an odd noise, like the hybrid of a choke and a cough coming from him, but he couldn’t be sure.

Alexander James Mclean, you’re probably the craziest person I’ve ever met. But you and I are so much alike. We have way too much in common, so I feel like I get you better than anyone. So to you, I give you my house in Tennessee and everything in it. You’d be surprised what the country can do for you, and maybe it’ll give you the peace it gave me.

AJ turned around and a look of understanding passed between them when their eyes met.

Howard Dwayne Dorough – to you, you get all the pictures of me to stare at! Because I’m gorgeous. Okay, I’m kidding. Instead, I give you fifty percent ownership of my nonprofit organization – Living Free. You’re a financial genius and I love you for it. Think of it as a new business that saves the world. I think you’ll enjoy it then. You may be a dork, but damn it Howie, you’re our dork. I hope you know that. Maybe you can make my last project something to really remember.

Howie shook his head at him, chuckling, though the smile couldn’t quite meet his eyes.

To my baby sister, Angel Charisma Carter – I list you first out of the family, and I think you know why. Throughout everything, you’ve been there for me. You didn’t care about my money, and you decided you’d make your own way. You’re so special Angel, and even if I won’t be there to see it, I hope one day you’ll be luckier than me and find that special someone. Until then, between modeling projects, I leave you with the other fifty percent ownership of my nonprofit organization, Living Free. This way, Howie can be your new big brother protector when I can’t be, and you can change the world too since you love the ocean as much as I do.

“Nick…no one can be you, you know that right?” Tears had sprung to Angel’s eyes, and her head went forward, a curtain of russet hair to cover her face. His heart felt the twinge of pain that followed as a result but he kept his face impassive. If he broke down, everyone would.

To my musical muse of a sister, Leslie Barbra Carter…I hope you know I went back and changed this after we talked. I wish it had happened sooner. I regret not fixing our relationship before it was too late. I leave you with my record label – Kaotic Inc. with the hopes that finally the amazing musician you are can finally be shown to the world. On the condition that if Aaron Charles Carter ever truly becomes sober from alcohol and drugs you immediately sign him on for a three album record deal.

Leslie glanced up at him in shock, but Nick shook his head, not wanting her to question him then.

To Aaron Charles Carter – my only flesh and blood brother. I leave you with the promise of a future. I will give you a record deal with no questions asked, guaranteed for three albums. The sole condition is that you enter rehab for drug and alcohol abuse and remain sober for two years before being signed. Once signed you must continue to battle your addictions or you will be dropped. I love you, and I only want to help you. It kills me to know I can’t. But I’m going to try anyway. You’re my baby brother Airboy, and don’t ever forget it.

He felt a pair of eyes burning into him. Nick turned to see Jane with an expression he couldn’t quite read. Feeling uncomfortable, he glanced away again.

And to my last sister – Bobbie Jean Carter. BJ, we’ve had our issues. We haven’t worked them out but I don’t care anymore. I love you and even when you hate me I’m always going to do my best to help you. Even if it makes you hate me more. To you, I leave the amount of one million dollars in the hopes you’ll use it to start a restaurant chain, the way you always dreamed. All of us deserve to live our dreams. I got to live mine, and I want you to live yours.

Nick tried to meet BJ’s gaze. Between her crying and hugging him, there hadn’t been much talk. Instead, she simply looked away. He sighed, but said nothing.

To my father, Robert Gene Carter – I leave you all the photo albums of us and the family as I grew up. Maybe then it’ll remind you of what you left behind. I want Kevin to personally deliver them to your door.

Nick swallowed hard. He knew then it was better Bob hadn’t made it. He heard the sharp intake of breath from his mother the moment the words had come out of Jonathan’s mouth. He didn’t want to know what would’ve happened if he had shown up. But then again, the fact he hadn’t was exactly the reason he had left him what he had. Kevin looked over at him, and Nick simply smirked.

And finally, to my mother, Jane Elizabeth Carter – I leave her what she’s been begging me for years. I don’t feel she deserves it. But I know she’ll contest the will if I choose not to do so. So since she seems to love it more than me, her son, I leave my mother with the full money of my financial estate minus the money left to my sister Bobbie Jean, and minus the costs of my care, funeral, and other arrangements which is to be decided solely by Brian Littrell. She will be rewarded the money on the day of my death and not a day before.

Everyone in the room gasped. He saw the mixed look upon his mother’s face. A look of hurt, horror and exhilaration to create an expression he’d never quite seen before. Nick knew why everyone was so surprised. As the lawyer continued on with the last bits of the will, he walked out of the room. The major revelations had been stated and this was now the more minor business stuff he’d been required to include. He didn’t want to talk, and he didn’t want to deal with Jane. He stood there in the hallway, looking at all the plaques he’d acquired during his career. He smiled, proud at his accomplishments.

He didn’t know how long he’d been standing there when the heels could be heard clickety-clacketing down his tiled hallway. He guessed maybe twenty minutes. He knew they belonged to his mother. He didn’t look at her. “I don’t want to talk to you. You got what you wanted finally. I don’t need this today.”

“Honey, you’re wrong…”

“Honey? Now I’m a pet name, cause now you’ve been bribed to be my mother again. But hell, at least you showed up.” The phone could be heard ringing. He ignored it.

“Nickolas Gene Carter!”

“What?!” He finally yelled as he whirled towards her. “What do you want to say to me mom? Cause I would love to hear it!”

The two stared each other down, each thinking of what to say. He waited for her to say something, anything. Nick willed her to say the things he’d been wishing for since he had been only a teenager. She opened her mouth, but before she could, he saw Howie running towards them. His eyes were stormy and filled with clouds of concern. He had a phone in his hand.

“Nick…its Aaron…”

Chapter Thirty Two

“Nick…it’s Aaron…”

Howie handed the phone to him. Nick swallowed back the words he was going to say and took it. He looked at his friend and realized he refused to look him in the eye. Howie’s eyes would go anywhere but on Nick himself. It felt like a brick of lead had fallen deep into the pit of his stomach. He knew whatever he was about to hear, it couldn’t – wouldn’t be good.

“Hello?” He croaked into the phone, before clearing his throat a bit. “Hello?”

“Is this Nick Carter?”

His brow furrowed as he walked back out into the living room with Howie and Jane. He could feel nine pairs of eyes staring at him. Nick gave a silent prayer right then, fearing the worst just from the tone of the caller alone. He stared at the ground.

“Yeah, this is him.”

“You were listed on Aaron Carter’s contact list. I’m Dr. Branders at the Ronald Regan UCLA Medical Center. Aaron was brought in just an hour ago. He was found along side of the road suffering the effects of a heroin overdose. He was already comatose when he was discovered. I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news…”

“Bad news…where’s my brother? I’ll come see him, I don’t care what condition he’s in.” Nick answered, unable to accept what was being said.

“Mr. Carter, we did our best to revive him, but it just wasn’t possible.”

For a moment, Nick couldn’t process the words. His heart stopped. Memories flashed before his eyes within an instant, none of them bad. He knew there were many he could think of but didn’t. No, this time only the blissful, lighthearted moments passed through his mind. The visual of a happier Aaron, one with floppy blond hair, and gleeful brown eyes - only half his own size, following him around when he was only five and Nick had been fourteen.

He could see himself showing Aaron tips on performing for a large crowd. Their first tour together, when Aaron opened up for the group and Nick couldn’t have been any prouder of his brother if he had tried. The two playing basketball together during one of the rare moments they were both home. The five Carter siblings, on Nick’s disastrous attempt of a reality show came to mind, and the time Nick had to show him how to do his own laundry.

The memories faded, giving Nick a new mental image. One of an older, bitter Aaron after trying to revive his career by going on “Dancing With The Stars” and failing. One who got bored with his own life and money. Aaron when he would show up at Nick’s doorstep begging for help once his own savings were gone and he’d gone into debt. Nick saw himself giving in again and again in an attempt to save his brother. So many times he’d tried to pull Aaron out before it was too late. Nick, better than anyone understood the path he’d been on. Even if he hadn’t gone so far down the road as Aaron had.

I’m sorry Aaron.

A solitary tear zigzagged along his cheek. No others fell. He wouldn’t let them. The doctor on the end was still speaking but Nick didn’t hear him. The phone fell from his hand and shattered carelessly upon the floor. He could feel everyone staring at him as they waited for him to say something. For a minute or two he said nothing. If he said anything he knew it would feel more real.

“Nick…” He wasn’t sure who the voice belonged to, his mind wasn’t processing much right then.

“Aaron.” Bile rose up in his throat. He forcefully swallowed it right back down. “Aaron…he’s…he’s dead.”

Leslie and Angel reacted first. Both of them ran to Nick. An arm wrapped around each of them. Angel’s head buried into his shoulder as her body shook. She broke down in a way Nick had never seen before from her. He understood though, despite everything he had been her twin, her other half, and now he was gone. He glanced down at Leslie who was hugging him tightly. Tears could be seen swimming in her eyes but she, like him, was fighting to hold them in. The three held each other and refused to let go.

“What happened to him?” BJ asked shakily, and for the first time he looked up. She wrapped her arms around herself.

Nick once again, said nothing.

“Nick?” Brian nudged gently with his voice. He jerked, startled. He’d actually forgotten the fellas were there for a bit.

“Heroin overdose.” He didn’t elaborate. Nick knew right then he’d take all the details of his little brother’s demise to his own grave. They didn’t need to know how far Aaron had truly fallen. They didn’t need to know how he’d been found. Nick wanted to give him that much if nothing else. There had been so many chances to try and save him, Nick felt, and he’d missed them all. Now, it was simply too late. Right then Nick felt like nothing but a massive failure.

Aaron, if you can hear me, I’m so sorry.

Tears stung his eyes once again.

Please forgive me.

****

The moon lit up the sky that night, and it was peaceful as Nick walked along the sands of Huntington Beach, California. The waves crashed against his bare feet and he enjoyed the feeling. He couldn’t sleep and refused to stay in his place a moment longer. The feeling of suffocation had only grown worse till he couldn’t stand it anymore. Leslie didn’t know he’d left. After he’d made the calls to the rest of the family, and everyone had calmed down, they had left hours before. But not without some misgivings. Angel and Kevin had been particularly fierce about staying there with him. He felt guilty about wanting them away, especially Angel. But, BJ was staying with her and he needed the time to himself.

He enjoyed the way the moon looked on the reflections of the waves. He could hear some birds calling out into the night. The beach was solitary, and it was beautiful. Nick sighed as he stopped and just stared out into the water.

“Why…why did you have to do this to yourself?” He yelled, picking up a rock and tossing it furiously into the ocean waters. He watched it skip a bit and then sink into the water.

“Come on Aaron! Answer me you shithead!” Nick screamed even though he knew no one would answer. He picked up another and threw it again.

“Why! You threw everything away! Was this what you wanted! Was it?!” He shouted, and unable to find another large stone, grabbed a handful of sand as hurled it as hard as he could. Nick stood there, breathing heavily. He waited for an answer that he knew would never come.

Nick started walking again. “I gave you another chance, I was trying so damn fucking hard for you…why couldn’t you just listen? I got it.” He sighed. “Mom’s right, I am a fuck up.”

“Now if you’re listening your psycho mother, I’m gonna be really fucking worried about you.”

Nick turned, startled. AJ could be seen in the distance walking along the beach. With the whole “Goth Couture” look Nick had long ago become accustomed to, he looked incredibly out of place. And he was flat out surprised to see that AJ had been able to track him down. He waited for him and once he caught up with him, started walking again.

“How did you find me here?”

“How did I not find you here? Nick plus angry plus upset, minus family, minus friends…equals beach. Aw fuck, Nick and anything equals beach. It just took me a long fucking time to figure out which one you ran to.”

“How long you been looking?”

“Two hours, how long you been out here? I mean fuck, it’s three in the damn morning.”

“Four hours.”

“No wonder Leslie got worried. You got everyone freaked out with your vanishing act dude.”

He didn’t look at AJ. Instead he kept his eyes on the water, the only other sound being the roars of waves crashing up against the shore. “She was asleep when I left.”

“Yeah then she woke up, saw you gone, and called around to see where you went.”

Nick turned on him. “Worried I’d do something stupid? Worried I’d forget where I was, or what I was doing? Worried that Nick would fuck something else up?!”

AJ stepped back, holding his hands up in surrender. “No.” His voice was gentle. “Worried cause she knows you’re dealing with a lot and cause she loves you. We all do.”

“It’s my fault.” Nick replied.

“No, it’s not.”

“Yeah it is, who else was going to help him Aje? Mom?” A bitter laugh followed. “Dad? I bet he didn’t even know Aaron had a fucking problem. Angel tried…but she didn’t understand. Not the way I did…or you did…”

AJ placed a hand on his shoulder. “You’re right; none of them are going to get it like you and me man. So you should know all that stuff about it being your fault is complete fucking bullshit.”

Silence followed.

“I mean it; you and I both know you can’t force anyone to get their shit straight. They need to figure it out on their own. You and I got lucky enough to finally realize we needed to fix ourselves before we fucked it all up. Aaron…wasn’t that lucky.”

Nick swung his eyes back at his friend. He wanted to believe him so badly. It would make everything that much simpler. The guilt would fade and he would be able to mourn the loss of his brother in peace. But it wasn’t that simple. Nothing was. For as many times as he gave in and did his best for Aaron, there were just as many where he didn’t. There were just as many fights and slammed doors. The last time he’d been with Aaron, they had been shouting at each other. He’d never be able to tell Aaron how he was sorry. Or that he was trying to help him the only way he knew how.

Instead, his last words had been for Aaron to grow up.

“He died thinking I hated him.” I’m so sorry, so fucking sorry Aaron.

“More bullshit. He knew you loved him whether he wanted to admit it or not.”

Nick shook his head. Aaron hadn’t talked to him since that day over a month before. He’d tried to get in touch with him, to repair some of the damage their fight had caused. Aaron refused all of it. Any updates he’d gotten had been through Angel instead. Nick sighed, there were so many things he’d take back if he could. He’d trade in all the accomplishments of his career, the fame, and fortune, just to redo it all again and prevent Aaron from ever going down that dark path to addiction. He stared out at the ocean yet again.

“Nick…this isn’t your fault.”

Then why does it feel like it is?

Chapter Thirty Three

The sky was as blue as could be and no clouds could be seen. And that was the day they put Aaron Carter down into the ground. It was a day they should’ve all been enjoying together as a family. Instead, each of the Carter siblings mourned in their own little world before the service, separate from one another. Birds fluttered around in breeze. The grounds at Forest Lawn Memorial Park were striking, and it was why Nick chose them. And he chose the location in Long Beach, as a tribute to Aaron’s former love of the ocean so close to the one he and Angel still had. If he couldn’t be buried in the water, he wanted him as close to it as he could manage.

Nick stared at the sleek white tomb stoically.

Ever since the night he’d learned of his brother’s overdose, he hadn’t shown any emotion. He let out what he could then, so he could be the ones his siblings could lean on. The funeral was about to begin, and Nick had decided to have it outdoors rather than in a church. Nick had actually wanted a cremation, but both Bob and Jane Carter had stopped that from happening. It was the only thing he’d seen them united on in over a decade.

A minister was going to give a sermon of course, but this wasn’t Nick’s decision either. That one had been his mother, who insisted on having one. It made no sense to him really, since the Carters had never been anything close to religious. Nick was more spiritual than anyone, not that it said much. It had also been because of Brian’s influence over the years.

The day was beautiful, and it felt all wrong. Nick needed it to be raining, for the sky to be showing the same emotions he held inside. Maybe if nature expressed them, he’d feel safe to do the same. However, with no clouds to be seen, Nick held little hope. The day mocked them. It was one of those days that invigorated him, made him happy to be alive. At least before everything in his life had been unraveled by forces beyond his control. A day like this had no business being there at his brother’s funeral.

He could see his father making his way across the lawn. Behind him was his current wife Ginger. His step sister Taelyn could be seen further back. She was a slender, young, sandy haired, teenaged beauty. She was dragging along his half brother Kanden, who kept getting distracted by everything around him. He was eleven now, blonde and blue eyed as can be. It served as a punch in the gut to Nick, gasping at the resemblance he bore to Aaron and even himself at that age. Nick barely knew Kanden and the idea stung that he never would. It wasn’t so much his fault as it had been circumstances. Bob didn’t want the old family he left behind in the mix of the new one, Nick being bitter, gave him what he wanted. It was yet another thing he wished he could do over again.

Regret swelled and Nick shoved it back down. Today wasn’t the day for that.

He walked up to his father. Bob watched him as he did, his eyes rimmed with red. Ginger smiled weakly at Nick before leading her two children to their seats. For Nick it was just as well, he’d make nice with the more awkward parts of his family later. Nick glanced around, still in a bit of awe of the peaceful serenity of the place. There were rolling hills of green as far as he could see. Simple, elegant tombstones stood within the ground row by row. Aaron was to be buried by a large tree at the top of the hill overlooking the grounds. Nick had paid the costly price without a second thought in hopes it would soothe the burning guilt within.

“Hey dad.” Were the only words said aloud.

Bob nodded, running a hand through the remains of his thinning hair. “Nick I…”

Nick shook his head. “I don’t wanna hear it. I’m just glad you actually came this time.”

It felt wrong to be so petty right then, but he couldn’t help himself. It took death to bring Bob Carter back into his life to be a father. There was so much wrong with that and deep down it pissed Nick off to no end. None of it showed however in his facial expressions. What little signs there were came off in the tone of his voice and the words he said. More guilt was added to the mix however when he saw the stricken look upon the face of Bob Carter.

“I’m …well…I wish I’d been there more for you, and for him.” The two men stared at one another. Each wanting to do something, express what they were feeling and neither sure of how to do so.

“Thanks Dad.” He replied instead, realizing what was really weird about the entire situation, was that he actually meant what he said.

The two found themselves within an awkward silence once again. Fortunately, they didn’t need to say anything. Nick saw his mother walking towards them. Another first came that day, he saw her without any make-up on. Her hair was brushed back and she was wearing a plain black dress. Even in this situation he found himself a bit shocked that his mother didn’t care how she looked. Normally she always fussed about it in case of cameras. As cold as it was, he expected her to think of that that day.

He was happy she didn’t.

Jane came up and embraced him immediately. Nick stumbled at the force, taken completely aback at the unexpected rush of emotion coming from his mother. Bob watched silently for a moment before motioning to Nick that he would be taking his seat. Nick simply nodded as he held Jane. She pulled away, staring at her eldest son. A hand came up and stroked his cheek. Nick was in simple awe at the entire series of behavior.

“Mom?”

“Nick…”

I can’t deal with this right now. He tried to pull free of the situation, to run off and not have to deal with any of it. At that moment, Nick suddenly saw the frightening disease as a blessing.

“I’m sorry.”

“Wait…what?” He asked, sure he heard her wrong. This seemed to be a day of surprises as well as mourning.

“I said, that I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry?” He asked again, still unable to fully compute what was being said.

She sighed, looking away. “You never did make anything easy did you...” Jane kept her eyes on the ground, rather than at her son. “I know I’m not the kind of mother that you wanted, or that you needed Nick. I made a lot of bad choices over the years. And…instead of admitting that I blamed you instead. Blaming you for everything was easier than knowing I drove my own children away. I should’ve said this to you years ago but after…after…” She began to break down then, tears streaming down her face at the thought of her youngest. A hand shakily held a handkerchief to her eyes as she fought to continue.

“Mom…”

“No, I need to say this. After learning about what you’re dealing with, I came because I cared. But it’s always been so easy to fight with you and instead of saying what I needed to say, I let myself goad you into an argument instead. But then Aaron… I already lost one son and I know I’m going to lose another…and I wanted to say I’m sorry Nick.” Jane finally looked up at him then, her watery eyes meeting his gaze dead on. “I’m sorry I was never much of a mother to you. You’re a better child than I deserved.”

Nick was in shock. Here was his mother, saying everything he’d ever wanted her to. He’d been wishing for this for years, begging God in his thoughts to finally give him his mother back. How many times had he given her whatever she asked in hopes it would bring the mother he missed back to him? And now he had it. Finally. The only tragedy was been the price at which this had been delivered to him.

A price that had been far too high.

His eyes glanced upwards wondering briefly if Aaron was really up there, watching them all from above. He took a deep breath, readying himself for the words he thought he would never hear himself say.

“Mom, it’s okay…I forgive you.”

****

The funeral service had been one that didn’t fit his brother at all. It was too formal and too stuffy for the likes of Aaron. Nick tuned it out, lost within his own thoughts instead. He sat in the front row of the pew. At the start was his father, then his mother, himself, and his three sisters according to age. The Carters appeared to be a united front as they fought to deal with his grief.

The fellas along with their families had all come as well. Nick had seen them as they took their seats. He was once again incredibly thankful he had such loyal friends who had become far more than that in the twenty three years they had known each other. This was the reality.

Nick wasn’t thinking about any of that then however. Instead he was looking up at the sky, wondering when he would be called up to speak. When Nick looked around, he knew he was at his grandfather’s funeral. It frustrated him that he hadn’t been able to be with him much towards the end. Instead he’d been on the first ever Backstreet Boys’ cruise. Following that had been the work and promotional interviews for his second solo record I’m Taking Off. He tapped his foot impatiently. He hated funerals. He loved his grandfather, but he always felt so out of place at memorials like this. Nick looked around.

Where’s Lauren?

He stood, having thought he heard the priest mention his name. Nick readied himself to speak his own eulogy to the crowd. Before he could move to go up to the little podium, Jane tugged at his arm to pull him back down. He pulled it away roughly. “Mom what are you doing?”

“Nick, honey, sit down.”

“Mom, I gotta go up.”

“No, you don’t. Just sit down.” She answered gently.

He rolled his eyes. “Stop it, what you want the attention for yourself?” He hissed not realizing the attention they were attracting.

“You’re confused.”

“I’m not confused, I’m fine. Now if you excuse me…”

The priest had stopped speaking, and everyone was watching. Kevin and Brian had hurried up discretely as they could to Nick’s side. Brian looked at him, his eyes filled with concern. “Nick, come on buddy, let’s go talk.”

“Jesus Brian! Leave me alone, what you’re on her side now?”

“Nick, what year is it?” Kevin asked far more calmly than he felt.

“What the fuck? It’s 2011 dumbass and you need to leave me alone. This is my grandfather’s funeral and you’re causing a scene.”

“It’s not 2011, it’s 2016. You’re just a bit mixed up.”

Brian wrapped his arm around Nick’s shoulders. “Hey, calm down.”

Nick tore away from both of them. Jane stared at her son unsure of what to do. She looked completely pained to watch him in such a state. Nick watched all of them suspiciously. He was confused. He thought he was at his grandfather’s funeral. Yet, something about that felt off. Nick racked his brain for any realization and everything seemed to elude him. It killed him to know it was there but just beyond his grasp. He wasn’t sure why he was here or what was going on. All he wanted was some answers and everyone was attacking him instead.

Leslie stood, and she hugged him. “Nick, it’s okay. You’re just a little mixed up.” She whispered into his ear. “We’re here for Aaron…this is his funeral, remember?”

No, I don’t remember. My God, what’s happening to me?

That was when he finally broke down and cried.

Chapter Thirty Four

The week after the funeral had been awkward and uncomfortable. Nick hated the way those around him were now constantly reaffirming that his mind was back within the here and now. That day had been the first real time he’d confused the present with the past. A quick doctor’s visit had informed him that his condition may have been aggravated by all the emotional stress he’d been dealing with. Or that his condition may be proceeding at a pace they hadn’t predicted.

There was no way to tell.

He was still living alone in his condo, only now the pressure to hire on an experienced aide was increased tenfold. Nick could see why they were so worried, he really could. They only wanted someone there to be there when they couldn’t be to make sure he was alright. At the same time, he wanted to hold on to the life he loved for as long as possible. That included an independence he knew he’d soon have to sacrifice. Angel had offered to live with him. He’d denied her for now. Admittedly he felt ashamed of the idea that he’d feel like he was being babysat by his baby sister. He also knew that was probably the best solution whether he wanted to acknowledge it or not.

Nick stretched and yawned as he went into the kitchen to start making himself dinner. The rest of the family had gone home to the lives they left behind. BJ had left first, the day after the service in fact. It had been an awkward yet oddly sincere goodbye. He wished things were better between them but he also knew it would take time. It would be slow-going between them, if it even happened at all. His father and his family had left for Florida the day after BJ had, with the promise to keep in touch. Nick loved his father despite everything, yet doubted the promise knowing realistically it would likely be soon broken. Leslie had been the last to leave, only two days before today, tearful and apologetic for doing so. Nick had told her she needed to return back to her husband and son, that he would be okay. She immediately started calling to check on him once she was back in Canada, an action that warmed his heart.

Jane Carter had been something else entirely. She’d surprised him by not returning to Tampa yet. Instead she was talking to him about possibly buying a place in the area. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that. It appeared to be a good sign at least. She seemed to finally be turning herself and her priorities around. Most of Aaron’s funeral was a blur, but the one thing that had stuck out had been her apology and the way she’d helped Brian and Kevin take care of him after the service. But when it came to her moving to Los Angeles, Nick knew he’d believe it when he actually saw it.

He poked his head into the fridge, looking to see what he actually had. Nick had never been good about grocery shopping, but he’d gotten worse within the past year. He kept forgetting to get what he needed or kept thinking he had when he actually hadn’t. He looked around for some vegetables, suddenly craving some stir fry.

Dumplings sound really good right now too. He mused as he absentmindedly reached in the door next to the fridge to pull out the cutting board while still rummaging for actual food to cook. He knew better than to think about even attempting to make them. He was lucky he could cook stir fry without any incidents. For years he had been a disaster in the kitchen. Lauren was the one who had him take cooking classes with her, and some of the lessons had stuck.

I wish I was in Japan. The thought would seem random to anyone who didn’t know him. After the States, he loved Japan. Of course Japan was now out of the question it seemed. He wished he’d spent more personal time there at the end of the tour with the group. It used to be that he would often visit between tours and recording just because of how much he enjoyed the culture and the people. Not to mention he was almost flat out addicted to authentic Japanese food, like the dumplings he currently craved.

The phone rang, causing him to jerk up and hit his head at the roof of the refrigerator. “Ow! Dammit! My head doesn’t need any more fucking damage…” He ranted as he hurried to the phone. “This better be good.”

He doubted it though; he figured it was probably Angel or Leslie checking in for the day.

“Hello?”

“You sick of hiding out yet?”

“You always know when I’m bored.”

“My Nick senses were a tingling!”

“I’m fixing dinner, well I want to but I ain’t got shit in the fridge. Come on over and we can go grocery shopping.” Nick paused. “Wow I’ve gotten exciting.” He remarked dryly.

“Oh you know I’m up for that once in a lifetime opportunity!”

“Hey Brian…”

“Yeah…”

“Leighanne isn’t trying to cook tonight over there, is she?”

Silence.

Nick laughed. “I thought so. Hurry on over!”

“Be there in a few.”

Nick hung up, and headed back towards the kitchen. A smile could be seen on his face, showing just the effect his best friend could have on him. Now he just needed to put everything away since he wasn’t cooking just yet after all. A few moments passed as he paused once he was in the entryway. He glanced around, taking in everything around him.

Why did I come in here again? He sighed, trying to think it out. He wasn’t telling the others just how often small things like this were happening now. And that’s how he saw them, as tiny inconveniences not worth mentioning. All it would do is make them worry and possibly hover over him more than they already were. As much as he loved everyone in his life he didn’t think he could take much more worry and concern. It was slowly driving him crazy and reminded him of the reasons why he hadn’t wanted anyone knowing. Of course, it was too late now. The disease was progressing too far to have hidden it even if he wanted to at this point.

A knocking at the door saved him from any further pensive musings.

Nick walked back out to the front door, looking confused to see Brian standing before him. Brian was smiling till he read the look on his face. Nick saw the immediate concern appear. Instead of letting Brian worry, he suddenly grinned as if he had known exactly why Brian was at the door. It was better than letting him think he forgot, he rationalized. All it would do is force Brian to brood on something none of them could change.

“Let’s go, you’re driving right?” he asked, wildly guessing Brian was there to pick him up.

He nodded, relief swept over his features. “Right.”

Nick followed Brian out to his navy blue 2015 Jeep Cherokee. Brian had always favored cars like this. Jeeps, Hummers, SUVs, Nick used to always joke that Brian was compensating for his shorter stature through his cars. Neither said anything as his friend started up the car and the two both buckled up. Nick still wasn’t sure of where they were going. Not that it mattered, he knew Brian wouldn’t do anything crazy or take him anywhere he didn’t want to go.

He just wished he could recall what was said, was all.

As the car made its way out of the parking lot and onto the road, he reached over to turn on the radio. Country music was the first thing to invade his ears. He made a face, his hands twitching before immediately turning the knobs to find another station. He could see the corners of Brian’s mouth twitch with amusement, but neither said anything. He settled on a station when System of a Down could be heard filtering through the speakers.

“So which store did you plan on going to?”

Nick’s tongue ran over his lips thoughtfully. At least now he knew they were going shopping. He just couldn’t pick a store because he didn’t know what exactly they were going to get. He’d gotten better at leading people to give him clues for him to pick up on. It felt deceitful, hiding his problems so that they were lower key. “Doesn’t matter, just pick one.”

“Alright!” He sang, and Nick groaned.

“I love ya bro…but that joke’s dead, buried, reanimated as a damn zombie, shot in the head and rekilled again.”

Brian laughed as he navigated the roads. “You love it, don’t lie.”

“Uh huh.”

“So Nick, Kevin and I have been talking…” Uh oh.

“Okay…”

“Maybe we should start looking at…well…” Brian stopped at a red light. His gaze avoided Nick’s and instead focused on the window behind him.

“Well, what?”

“…Well…” Brian bit his lip and his fingers drummed the steering wheel. He began to drive again once the light changed. “…because of stuff lately…”

“Just say it man.”

“Places…for you to go, you know, when you can’t…”

When I can’t take care of myself. Nick finished mentally. Homes for the mentally fucked up. He wasn’t surprised the subject came up. That was why he’d named Brian as his guardian, why he’d named Kevin as the executor of his estate. If anyone needed to think about it, it would be them. But instead of thinking about that and how it made sense, he found himself upset. He could picture himself years from now staring out a window with a blank look in his eyes. He saw himself unable to eat or go to the bathroom because he couldn’t remember why. He shuddered.

“We don’t need to talk about that right now.” He spat out.

“Look I wasn’t trying to-“

Nick turned in his seat quickly; his eyes met Brian’s dead on. “You know what Brian? No one ever ‘tries to’, everyone’s just sooooo concerned and sooooo worried yet y’all wanna shut me away in a mental home real quick huh?”

“That’s not it at all and you know it. You couldn’t even remember I was coming, you don’t even know for sure where we’re going?”

How the hell does Brian know that?

“That ain’t true, I know.”

“You don’t, but I know you and didn’t want to say anything. I know this is scary and this is…”

“No! That’s just it! You don’t know! You don’t have a fucking clue! All of you, you try to know, you tell me you understand, but unless you’re fucking hiding a disease that rots your brain from the inside, you don’t even have a hint of what the fuck I’m trying to deal with.”

“Nick…come on buddy…don’t be like this.”

“Be like what? Fucked in the head? That’s what I am.”

“That isn’t fair Nick.” Brian bit back shortly, his own patience waning.

“Nothing is fair. Not for me. For you, someone who ain’t had to deal with shit, I guess it is. So once again you don’t have a damn clue.” He ignored the flash of hurt that danced across his best friend’s face within an instant.

“You know what? Drop the pity party.”

“Just take me home.”

“Look…”

“Just take me fucking home!” He screamed, unable to hold back anymore of the rage that boiled within.

A part of him knew Brian didn’t deserve this. He knew Brian was trying to do his best at the role he gave him to play. Logic however, he didn’t want to consider. He was just so angry. So angry at the world, angry at the situation, and angry at himself. The fear he didn’t want to admit to mixed carelessly into the swirl of emotions always bubbling just beneath the surface. He sneaked a glance at Brian. Brian, who drove with a controlled look on his face, biting his lip and held the steering wheel with a death grip.

Neither said a thing more the entire way back.

Chapter Thirty Five

Darkness.

Nothingness.

These were the things he wanted as he kept his eyes shut tight in hopes of sleeping once again. Everything was easier when he slept, and he was sick of everything being so hard these days. He turned to his side, a pillow caught within his embrace as he tried to get comfortable and return to the oblivion he so desperately craved.

Instead, he lay there with his eyes closed, failing miserably. All he wanted were sweet dreams granting him what reality refused to. He sighed and shifted yet again. Images danced before his eyes vivid and strong. He could see himself infirm before his time. He saw himself as a lost soul, wandering the world confused and alone. He could see the real Nick trapped within, knowing everything but unable to connect to himself.

Nick saw everything he worked for as nothing. For what was it if he didn’t even know his own accomplishments? He saw himself looking at the walls filled with awards and plaques earned over his lifetime, and not knowing what they meant. He saw his family visit and him stare at them blankly. He saw their tears and the inability to comfort them. He saw his band mates, the best family he’d ever known, sticking by him when everyone else would give up. He watched the years go by in his head, his golden hair thinning and growing greyer. Nick looked down at himself infirm in a bed crying for reasons he didn’t understand.

When his eyes opened, the tears were still wet as they streaked freshly down his cheeks.

He wiped them hastily despite the fact there was no one to see them. He walked into the living room and over to the entertainment center. Above the flat jumbo screen television were the shelves proudly displaying everything he’d done. Photos over the years of him and the fellas adored them. His eyes ran over the American Music Awards, Video Music Awards, Billboard Music Awards, and even the several Grammys that the group had finally accomplished towards the end of their run as a group. He lifted the one they got for Album of the Year off the shelf, staring at it oddly. It was just a trinket really, it was what it symbolized, and it was the prestige that made it so valuable.

So one day this would mean nothing.

Too bad I never gotta chance to try and get one of these solo. He mused. Within all the accomplishments, Nick always fought to find ways to set goals in his life. Something to work for. It helped keep him sane even if it turned him into a work-a-holic.

The phone rang and it almost caused him to drop it. Nick didn’t hurry to answer it. He knew it would be either one of the fellas, family, or management. Those he used to consider his “casual” friends had ditched him once word came out of his ailment. He had long since gotten used to the phone not ringing much.

The phone continued to ring. He turned the answering machine off the night before. He was getting sick of Brian trying to call. It had been a week since their argument and Nick wasn’t up for talking. Deep down, he knew he’d been wrong to snap at him. He knew Brian was trying to do what he asked of him, and it was just as hard for him as it was for Nick. But admitting that meant facing the future.

While he wouldn’t deny what was to come, he wasn’t ready to face it head on either.

Finally, he answered. “Hello?”

“About time Nicky.”

He made a face. “D…”

“Don’t call me Nicky!” He said in a whiny yet accurate imitation. “I know.”

“But you still do it!” Nick whined.

“Because I can.”

“So are you checking on me?”

“Yikes, don’t be so defensive.”

He sighed, running a hand through his tousled hair. “Sorry, I’m just on edge.”

“We know. Look, I’ll be by in about ten, we can do something and talk.”

The phone went dead. Nick set it back in the holder. He knew he better get dressed. Their relationship was an interesting one, understated by the fans but not by each other. There was only one other person other than Kevin that he knew better than to say no to, and that was Howie.

Still, he smiled.

***

“Can I ask why we’re at a karaoke bar in the middle of the afternoon?”

“Because it’s fun!”

“Nick when I decided to let you pick what we did, this wasn’t what I had in mind.”

They were in a dark, dim, rustic looking bar. It was the type of the hole in the wall where no one would look to find them. That was the first thing that always appealed to Nick. Most people here didn’t know who he was here or simply didn’t care. The other thing that appealed was the twenty-four hour karaoke bar up on the tiny wooden stage. About twenty tables were on the floor before it, with a bar in the corner on the other side of the room. It had a western style to it, one seemingly out of place in California. It was one of those places you heard about simply from word of mouth. It was cozy, old, and comfortable. At night the place was packed with people and even during the day it was still about half filled with the same regulars Nick used to see nightly.

How many times had Nick come here to sing? To forget everything and do what he loved?

Too many to count.

None recent.

He grinned at Howie, motioning towards the stage. “Come on.”

“No.”

“Dude, we sing for a living, why not?”

“That’s different.”

“Don’t be such a kill-joy!”

“Fine, we’ll do it, but you need to call Brian later. “

Nick stopped, staring at Howie angrily. “No.”

“Nick, you’re being ridiculous.”

Howie watched him, giving him an imitation of Kevin’s infamous “dirty brow”. Nick shrugged as his gaze shifted elsewhere. A young woman took the stage now. Raven black hair, a body of curves in the right places. He smirked appreciatively and somewhere in the back of his mind he knew he’d be planning moves if the circumstances were different. She looked uncomfortable on the stage, a bit shy. He found it endearing.

As the beginning notes began to play, he recognized the song immediately. He bit his lip as he tried to focus on the song rather than the lecture Howie was now giving. Years of practice had given him the skills to tune him out in the ways he’d never been able to do so with Kevin. It was the song that was making it harder than normal.

“Brian was only doing what you asked him to, in your last requests. I know it can’t be easy…”

*Oh life is bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no I've said too much
I set it up

“Nick are you even listening to me?”

That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it

He glanced up at the woman, and back at Howie. He felt surrounded suddenly. The room felt as if it were closing in on him. He couldn’t fight it and a panic rose up within him. Had this been planned? Were they trying to all convince him that he was going to be shut away and forgotten before it was time? How did they get her in on it? To sing a song like this…

Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

Rationality would show him that it was simply coincidence. That he was turning everything into something that wasn’t there. However within Nick’s own haunted mind, he couldn’t see things that way anymore. It was becoming more and more difficult. But he couldn’t know that. The disease that was slowly taking over prevented it. The way things were and the way Nick perceived them no longer matched up the way they once had. Nick didn’t know this and never would. He glanced around, standing and looking more like a deer in the headlights, a spooked look in his eyes.

“Nick, what’s wrong.”

“You guys…you guys are planning this. Hide me away…”

“Nick, calm down…”

“No, I’m not calming down. I trusted you!”

People were staring now at the thirty-six year old, wondering what was causing him to act this way. Howie was reaching towards them and Nick instinctively pulled away. How could he trust them? How could he trust anyone anymore? He shook his head and stormed out. As he did he could still hear the young woman singing. Taunting him with the lyrics of the well known song.

But that was just a dream
Just a dream
Dream…

Nick started walking. He didn’t know where to. He didn’t know where Howie parked the car, and he didn’t know where to even start in finding his way back home. He didn’t care. He started walking. It gave him a feeling of a goal even if there wasn’t one. He was alone now. No one could help him. No one wanted to protect him. Nick knew that everyone just wanted to shove him aside and take what they could. Forget him, the way he would forget them.

“Nick!” Howie yelled, running through the mass of people walking down the sidewalk.

He ignored him.

“Nick!”

He continued walking. Why was he doing so? He racked his brain for the answers. Nick hated trying to find answers, it was always so hard. These days it was harder than it had ever been before. Everything felt so muddled and a blur. All he wanted was to sort things out. He looked around for clues, the way he often did those days.

“Nick! Wait!”

Nick turned and suddenly, he smiled. “D, dude it’s about time you caught up.”

Howie stopped, his mouth hanging open slightly. “Um…right. Sorry, I’m slow.”

“We’ve gotta get to that meeting, remember?”

His brows furrowed and Nick laughed at his confusion. “Did you forget? D, the tour meeting! We gotta start working out what we wanna do. The set list…I wanna keep That’s The Way I Like It, and 10,000 Promises. Aren’t you excited? Calling it the ‘Into the Millennium’ tour is cheesy, but whatever.”

A light was lit up in his expression. If one watched him, they could almost see that teenaged Nick brought back to life within the face of the middle aged man. It was almost like time travel, for any outsider who could’ve witnessed it. The self consciousness Nick had then, the innocence before his family and the media stole it away completely.

Howie swallowed hard, putting his arm around Nick. He didn’t know how he could take much more of this. Dealing with the confusion, the time and space lapses. Yet today had brought something new. Paranoia. Suspicion. It was clear to see from Howie’s expression that this day scared him more than ever.

“Right…I remember. How could I forget?”

“Maybe you were sleeping.”Nick teased happily, and then paused. “What’s wrong Howie?”

“Nothing Nick…nothing at all.” Howie replied, when in truth - everything was.




*lyrics used are "Losing My Religion" by R.E.M

Chapter Thirty Six

Nick was having one of his better days. A couple weeks after the incident outside of the karaoke bar, he was getting more daily visits from the fellas. He knew why, and he knew what was coming, but for the moment preferred acting oblivious. He wasn’t ready for the adult care facilities and had been prepared to fight any who wanted to force that on him. However, all of them had agreed on that, surprisingly enough. At the same time, after what had happened with Howie, they were all a bit wary about the idea of Nick continuing to live alone. Without a solution, it felt like a standstill.

His life was on hold, even if it didn’t have anywhere to go these days.

He stepped out on his balcony to take in the view he seldom enjoyed these days. The city looked magnificent before him. He sighed, glancing idly at the easel that was off to the side. It used to be that he would sometimes come out to draw or paint. Nick had always been an artistic soul but it was as if his inspiration was slowly being stolen away from him at the same time as his memories.

“Niiiiiiick…” he could hear Brian’s voice call out after him.

He turned away and said nothing. An apology never did come up between them. It had happened however, unspoken, said with the way Brian checked on him, the way Nick was confiding in him once again. He knew Brian would come out there soon enough. For the moment Nick was enjoying his solitude. He used to hate being alone so much. It once annoyed everyone around him to no end. Now he found himself craving it. Because with everyone around, he felt pressured to act “normal”. He could feel their eyes constantly on him. He never felt like himself anymore unless he was alone.

“Hey, there you are.”

Nick nodded. “Here I am.”

He kept his back to his friend, feeling unsociable even in the best of intentions.

“I feel so wanted.”

“It’s not that you’re not…”

“Really?”

Brian walked up beside him, leaning forwards upon the railing. He looked over at Nick. Nick took a good look at his best friend for the first time in a long while. While Brian was now forty-one, it used to be that he never looked his age really, with the exception of his thinning hair. Now Nick could see the lines creeping in his face, the weathered look within his normally jovial blue eyes. There were even the hints of grey along the hairline. That caused his brows to rise just slightly. Brian was always just as fearful as him about going grey and kept it dyed regularly as a result. It was like he had tripped and fallen straight out of his prime and into the beginnings of old age. Age was catching up on all of them.

Is this my fault?

“Nick?”

“No really, I want you here. Everything’s just…”

“Difficult.”

He nodded. “Right. So when I’m alone, it gets easy again.”

Brian nodded, and silence fell between them once again. He reached over for the radio sitting on the small little table next to the chair on the balcony. He turned it on, listening for a moment and smiling. Music still and always would have an effect on him. It always touched him down to the core in ways he’d never be able to explain to those who didn’t already understand.

“You shouldn’t be alone so much though Nick. You hate being alone, you always did.”

“I know, I just don’t want you guys always worrying about me.”

“Why not, we did before this, we just hid it better.”

Nick smirked. “Funny.”

“I’m serious.”

Nick kept his line of vision directed at the horizon. Looking at Brian hurt more than he cared to admit. Birds could be heard twittering, their forms dark in the setting sun. His hands gripped the railing on the balcony. Everything felt so awkward. And this was with the one person who knew him better than anyone. He hated this. Hated the way this disease was destroying his life, destroying himself, destroying his friendships. He hated the way he didn’t know what to say or do anymore. Everything felt like such an act.

“I’m sorry I’m not fun to be around.”

“Eh, just reminds me of your teen years, you were moodier than any girl I came across.”

Nick laughed. “I was not.”

“You were too.”

“I was not.” He whined.

“See, you still are.”

Nick sighed, as the laughter between them began to die down. He brushed off his pants idly. “So why are you here Bri? I mean really.”

“To see what you were doing for Halloween.”

The holiday was tomorrow, and had always been Nick’s favorite day of the year. This was the first time in he didn’t even know how long that he actually had nothing planned. The thought saddened him. It was just another sign of how much had changed in his life. He had chosen to just pretend it was another day. What could he do? He felt trapped by his own mind. It stung that Brian had brought it up when all he wanted was to forget it.

“Nothing, and that’s not why you came, and you know it.”

Brian held up his hands in mock innocence. “No, really, it is. And wait…really? Nothing?”

“Yeah, nothing.”

“So let’s go sailing tomorrow, just the five of us.”

Nick blinked. “Sailing?”

“Yeah, you know that thing with a boat that you love to do.”

“You guys planned this.”

A mischievous gleam appeared in Brian’s eyes. “Maybe.”

“Man…”

“We just don’t think it’s healthy for you to shut everything and everyone out like this.”

“Does it matter anymore?”

“Yes, it does. Don’t make me go get Kevin.”

“Alright fine, we can meet up tomorrow morning and take my boat out.”

“Good, Kevin says he wants us all here at eight o’ clock.”

“Fine…wait, you guys planned all this through already?”

Brian grinned, wrapping his arm around Nick. His head instinctively lay upon the shorter man’s shoulder. How many times had they been like this over the years? It was second nature for him. It went all the way back to the days when he was actually shorter than Brian. Nick smiled at the memories.

“Of course. We knew you wouldn’t say no. Nickolas Gene Carter…saying no to sailing? Never gonna happen.”

He heard himself laughing despite himself, enjoying the moment. “Y’all suck.”

****

“I’m on a boat!”

“I’m on a boat!”

“Everybody look at me!”

“Cause I’m sailing on a boat!”

“I’m on a boat!”

“I’m on a boat!”

“Take a good hard look…”

“At the motherfucking boat!”

Kevin shook his head at Nick and AJ as he walked past; carrying the food he was preparing them for lunch. Nick just laughed. AJ grinned as the two walked along the deck, rubbing his shiny, bald head. The sun was high in the sky that day, the water gleaming in the light. It was a perfect day for sailing, and Nick was once again awed by the beauty of the ocean. Somehow it never got old for him.

I ain’t telling them cause Kev’ll never let me live it down, but this was a good idea.

“You’d think he’d be used to us by now.”

A chuckle escaped as Nick went to the side of the boat, looking down into the water. He wondered if he would still love the ocean once his memories were gone from him completely. Would he still love music? Would he still want to draw? Or would all the things he loved fade away with the memories of the people he loved?

Brian had asked him earlier that day to move into his place out there in Los Angeles. Nick had known then this whole outing had been a setup for that. The logic made sense. Nick wasn’t ready for a facility and they all knew it. At the same time, even Nick wasn’t that comfortable living alone these days. Too much could happen. The idea of that scared him. Not that he would ever admit it. He hadn’t wanted to burden any of the fellas, and kept it to himself. But they had known, as they always had.

If he knew them at all, he guessed they’d had a meeting to figure it out.

Brian was the most logical choice as well. Baylee was old enough to understand what was happening, as most of the other kids weren’t. Brian and Leighanne had decided together not to move back to Atlanta given the circumstances. His heart had swelled at how much they were giving up because of him. It just stung to know that once he moved out of his condo, he’d never live alone in his own personal place ever again.

The thought was a sobering one.

“Nick? You still here on planet earth man?”

A grin. “Nah, I took off on my rocket.”

AJ smirked, singing. “I think I’ll put my spacesuit on…”

Nick laughed, walking along the deck once again. Howie and Brian were debating about something off on the other side. As to what it was, Nick couldn’t say. He was just enjoying the moment with his friends. No work and no pressure. Truthfully, there was a part of it that felt freeing. He glanced back at AJ who had picked up some fishing rods.

“Dude, let’s go fishing.”

“After the last time you tried to fish?”

“Hey man that didn’t turn out too bad.”

He snorted. “Dude you lost your swim trunks, got pulled into the water, and was dragged out till you finally had the sense to let go.”

“Well…yeah…”

“I don’t think Kevin’ll wanna rescue you again.” He concluded with a snicker. Both men laughed, thinking fondly of their memories and escapades as a group. AJ turned towards him with a small smile.

“Can you believe our last group album comes out next month?”

Nick sighed as his shoulders slumped. It was true. The final “new” Backstreet Boys album, aptly titled End Of The Road, was out on November fifteenth. He hadn’t thought about it in awhile, probably because they had wisely decided as a group to have minimal promotion and no live interviews. “The end of an era. This wasn’t how I saw it coming.”

He saw the worried look appear in AJ’s face. The same look that appeared in all their faces anytime they noticed Nick get down when realization would hit him. That they were coming towards the end. He forced a smile. One he knew AJ would buy better than Brian or Kevin ever would. AJ always wanted to believe the best of people, especially those close to him. It was an endearing quality and one that made it easier for Nick to try and keep up appearances.

“Dude that’s not what I meant, think about it. They said when we started we wouldn’t make it past our first album. We have ten albums to our name, not counting the Chapter One or Chapter Two CDs, solo records, or even that unreleased anthology we did for our twentieth anniversary. We lasted for twenty three years.”

Nick beamed. When it was put that way, it did sound like something. They had accomplished so much, overcome so many obstacles. For the first time since his diagnosis, Nick actually felt blessed with the life he had been given. Amidst all the family issues, the drama, he’d been given his dream career. He accomplished so many things that people only dreamed of.

“Wow man, you’re right.”

“Of course I am.”

He knew it would soon be taken from him. For so much of the past year and a half, Nick had felt robbed. But now, Nick felt grateful. He could’ve had none of this during his life. He could have never met Brian, Howie, Kevin, or AJ. His attempts at a viable singing career could’ve been crushed as a child. They could’ve broken up years ago. Yet, none of that happened. Instead they had risen to the heights of fame. Nick knew then, that he had been lucky ever to have it to begin with.

“Hey, you’re spacing out again blondie! Kevin says lunch is ready…” AJ’s voice lowered. “He’s giving you the dirty brow man.”

“Alright old man!” Nick called out cheekily. “I’m coming!”

Chapter Thirty Seven

Nick sat down in his therapist’s office, his eyes focusing once again on the shelf of random items. That’s where his gaze was always drawn, he couldn’t help it. He glanced down at his hand again, where he’d written down his therapist’s name. As time went on, little things were slipping easily from the grasp of his fading memory. Kevin had been the one to suggest he stopped by. With everything that had happened in the past few months, session appointments had been forgotten, amongst other things, and he’d felt Nick needed to talk it out with a professional.

Nick did it just because you didn’t not listen to Kevin, but he was already regretting being there.

These days I wish I was just psychotic. It’d be better than what’s really going on.

When Dr. Julewis entered the room with a friendly smile, Nick glanced down yet again. He knew he shouldn’t be trying so hard to pretend that he wasn’t losing as much as he was. He should accept it, embrace it, and go from there. Yet, something stopped him from doing so. A banner of pride flew boldly from him, and he refused to let it go.

It seemed it was one of the only things he had left.

“It’s been awhile since we’ve talked. A lot’s happened. I’m sorry to hear about your brother.”

He nodded. He didn’t want to talk about Aaron. Aaron who was forever to be marked as the biggest failure of his life. His biggest regret, until he would remember nothing. Only then, would he be at peace with the fate of his little brother. He sighed, saying nothing. It was easier when he thought Aaron was still alive and just ignoring him. The worst was when he remembered. The worst was when he brought back to the reality that he would love to abandon.

“I’m fine, until I forget he’s gone. Someone has to tell me again and…” He couldn’t finish his sentence. He couldn’t even look into the kind doe like eyes of his therapist. Instead, they stared above her, at the Hitler Skunk figure on the shelf that he always wanted to take with him. If he focused on something else, there would be fewer questions. He felt himself fidgeting in the leather chair he was sitting in. Suddenly, he couldn’t get comfortable no matter which way he shifted.

“Nick?” Her voice brought him back to the moment, forcing him to realize she’d been trying to talk to him and he’d simply tuned her out.

“Sorry.”

“I can only imagine how hard it is for you. It’s like he’s dying again, isn’t it?”

He nodded. “The other day, when I finally moved out of my condo, I asked Brian advice about Aaron. He didn’t want to tell me. I was like…hella confused at first cause AJ went to tell me and Brian tried to stop him.” Nick bit his lip before continuing. His mind flashed back to the argument that had started right there in front of him.

“He doesn’t need to know.”

“Of course he does! Or he’ll think Aaron hates him and will never want to see him. Is that any better? Fuck Brian, we can’t just hide shit from him.”

“You guys…” Howie said, motioning subtly to Nick, who had paused while carrying a box out to the moving truck.

He hadn’t told them that the argument alone had forced the memory of Aaron’s death back to them. Or how it made him feel to watch them fight because of him and his disease. Instead he just smiled, like nothing was wrong. What hurt the most was that they had believed it, unable to see the falseness behind it.

“Right…” he said, rather than elaborating. “I, I have my bad days where it’s harder to remember recent shit. I’m trying my best and I feel like I’m letting the guys down.”

“What makes you think you’re letting them down?”

“Because I am. They don’t get why I’m alone so much.”

“It’s because they love you, they feel you should be around people…”

“Should I? I ain’t happy with people.” He laughed at himself, but it was hollow and bitter. “It’s funny. I used to hate being alone. I was almost as bad as fucking AJ, always needing people around me. Now I just wanna tell everyone who checks in on me to fuck off.” A pause. “Even the fellas.”

“That’s normal, Nick. These are normal feelings that you’re going through in trying to cope. What you’re dealing with isn’t easy, and actually you’re doing better than most in your position.”

“How many people are in my position? I have been given a lot of shit in my life. I realized that when we went out on a boat recently. I’m hella lucky for everything and I want more. I feel cheated, and there’s people who would kill for just getting what I’ve gotten.” Nick sighed, running a hand tiredly through his hair. “I’m greedy.”

“You’re not, you just want out of the situation. Who wouldn’t?”

“And then the guys are there so much…like Thanksgiving is tomorrow. And there’s gonna be this whole big dinner, and I ain’t wanting a damn thing to do with it. I’d rather just get away.” He glanced out the window, on the beautiful, sunny fall day that mocked him. “Brian took me into his place and I’m nothing but a burden.”

“Nick…” She took his hands in hers, trying to warm him with her gentle smile. “You’re not a burden. What’s happening isn’t your fault.”

His eyes met hers. They were startlingly blue, tragically beautiful from the pain that defined them. Pain that defined his life now. Nick pulled his hands away. He rose from the chair furiously, pushing it aside. He turned his face back towards her, his boyish face twisted with anger.

“Not a burden!? Really? How many thirty-six-year-olds do you know have to move in with their best friend and his family cause they ain’t able to live alone?”

****

Thanksgiving.

Brian’s parents had come to help prepare dinner. Jackie was in the kitchen with Leighanne and Kristin. The inviting aromas of dinner Nick had come to associate with her cooking were teasing him tantalizingly. Harold Senior was out in the backyard with Baylee and Mason. Howie, Leigh, and James hadn’t arrived yet, and Kevin was playing with the McLean twins, adorable in their identical black dresses with ruffles. Nick had been pretty good about dodging people, able to just slip into the background, a recently acquired skill.

The Carter side of his family wasn’t there that day. But this time, the fact didn’t pain him as it had in the past with the exception of Aaron. Leslie called daily from her home in Canada, and Angel always stopped by to see him on a weekly basis. She’d gone to Florida for Thanksgiving, as had Jane, to be with BJ and her family. He’d understood, they needed to support each other.

“Nick!” He almost groaned at hearing the voice of Jackie Littrell. He hadn’t spoken to her since Brian had broken the news to her just before the VMAs. He’d known where it would go and it was hard enough as it was.

I can’t do this.

Pretending he hadn’t heard her, he made his way around the house and out the front door. He wasn’t looking where he was going, and slammed right into Howie. Both fell to the ground, James snickering the entire time. Leigh held out a hand to each of them and helped them up.

“Hey, why don’t you go inside and find Mason and Baylee?” She suggested. James, grinning did as he was told and raced off to the house.

Howie brushed himself off. “You trying to kill me man?”

“Sorry, just spacing.”

“It’s alright, just wondering where you’re trying to go.”

Nick shrugged. “Needed some air.”

Leigh smiled. Nick always liked her, ever since she started working for them. During the Black and Blue tour, they had caused some chaos in her hotel room. Including Howie tossing an ironing board out the window while drunk. Why he’d done that, Nick was never sure. But they’d all been wasted by that point so there probably wasn’t a reason. When they called pretending to be the hotel staff and she ratted them out for the state of the hotel room, he’d known then she was perfect for Howie. She dealt with their antics patiently, unnoticed from the sidelines, but Nick always loved that about her. She left the group to them, unlike Leighanne over the years, and just helped when she was needed.

“So how are you Nick?” She hugged him tightly, his arms wrapped around her in return.

“Okay, I haven’t driven Leighanne insane yet, so that’s a plus.”

Jackie could be seen stepping through the door, watching them at the curb. Howie gave Leigh a look and an unspoken agreement passed between them. She pulled away as Brian’s mother started heading their way and nodded at Nick.

“We’ll see you inside.”

Nick stood there, watching them go to the house with a sigh. He felt like such an asshole. But it was like he was visiting his own funeral with each person he encountered with the news. Sympathy, regret, pity – it was driving him insane. It was why he’d fought so hard to hide it to begin with. How much more could he really take before he lost it?

He wasn’t sure but he knew it couldn’t be much.

She reached him, and patted his cheek lovingly. What hurt was that it was more gentle a touch than his mother had given in years. Even after she attempted to fix things. He sighed, hugging her tightly. The guilt that swept him was overwhelming. It wasn’t right to try and hide from those who loved him just because of the fact they cared. This wasn’t easy for anyone.

“I’m sorry.” He muttered, unable to say it any louder.

“For what Nick? I just wanted to be sure you knew we’re here for you. You’ve been part of the family for a long time, don’t you ever forget that.”

He pulled away with a nod.

“Now, if you hadn’t been trying so hard to avoid me…” She lectured, the southern twang strengthening in her voice similar to the way it would in Brian’s. “I would’ve been able to tell you dinner’s almost ready.”

Nick followed her inside the house. Each footstep felt heavier than the last. This shouldn’t be so hard, he knew. It was just dinner with his family. Family where it counted most. He’d just been talking about this with his therapist. Being around people meant expectations. It meant he had to hold it together as much as he could or they would fall apart. The stress of it was hard to handle.

As everyone headed into the dining room for dinner. Nick did something different. His thoughts had suddenly changed from the events of that Thanksgiving. Why was he there? Where was he? Nick knew one thing – he wasn’t supposed to be there. Knowing that, he strolled out of the house. He wasn’t sure where he was going but he didn’t care much. A smile flitted on his face, looking odd sitting there. He simply continued to walk along the road without a care in the world.

He didn’t know that once everyone was settled and everyone was ready to eat, they noticed his absence. Nick didn’t know, or even think of the worry that settled within those who loved him. As he walked away from them all on a trip to seemingly nowhere, they started trying to find him in a furious wave of panic. He sung to himself as he walked instead. There were no real worries on his mind. Why would there be?

Nick felt, knew was only seventeen, living in what he knew to be “no fan land”.

Chapter Thirty Eight

“He’s gone.”

“How could you lose him?”

“Kevin, it’s not like we can put a collar on him and send shocks anytime he wanders. This, this hasn’t happened before.”

“Dammit, we’re trusting him in your care-“

“Maybe it’s time to you know…”

“Nick would kill himself if we did that to him now!”

“Is there really a difference these days?”

“AJ! How the fuck can you say that?!” Brian yelled, uncaring about the language just then. They were in one of the spare rooms, as the women of the family stayed in the kitchen with the kids and his father to try and make it seem like everything was okay. They didn’t want any of their children worried. There was no reason for them to know that their Uncle Nick had wandered off. All it would do was cause a lot of questions, fear, and panic. Something they didn’t need more of.

“Brian, keep it down. Or the kids will hear and come in asking what’s wrong. We agreed we didn’t want them knowing about this.”

“I say that because it’s true. The Nick we know is dying. You think that’s easy for me to say? Sometimes, yeah, I think it’d be more fucking merciful, on him and us, if…” AJ’s hands were shaking as he ran his hands over his smooth, bald skull.

“No…it wouldn’t.” Brian said, his voice was shaking. “At least he’s still here. A part of him is still here.”

“And for how long? You think he likes being like this?”

“No one does AJ! But it doesn’t mean he takes the easy way, kills himself, and ends up in hell because you couldn’t cope! What, you wanna just buy a gun and do it for him? That way you can end up in hell instead! Or lets lock him up in a home, when most of the time he’s having good days where he knows who he is, and would know hell in that place! Yes he has to go there someday but I’ll be damned if I’ll do it to him when he’ll know daily that we just passed him off to be their problem! Do you know how hard it was for him to move in with me? How much that killed him? No you wouldn’t and that’s because-”

“Brian, stop it.” Kevin said, placing his hand on his younger cousin’s shoulder. Brian shrugged it off angrily.

“No, someone should say it.”

“Why Brian?! Because I’m not some perfect fucking saint like you?! You’re right, I’m not. And if you think I’m gonna stand here and have you accuse me of not giving a damn about Nick, I’m-”

“If you do you sure have a funny way of showing it!”

“Guys, we can argue about this later.” Howie snapped, stepping between the two men before it escalated any further. At that moment Brian, who was always the peaceful one, looked ready to come to blows with a man he always considered a brother. AJ’s own gaze was covered by sunglasses, but Howie sensed if looks could kill, Brian wouldn’t be standing there any longer. “Right now we need to find Nick.”

“Any ideas how?”

“LA’s a big city, it’s gonna take time if we try driving around.”

“Any idea where he’d go?”

“Ideas? Sure, he’d head for the beach. I swear beaches are like Nick’s fucking motherland.”

“Any one specifically?”

A pause. “No. God Dammit!”

“He also loves those karaoke bars; I could see him going there too. That’s where he likes to drag me to. He says it helps him deal, singing, even in dives.”

“Any place he likes specifically?”

“If there is, I can’t remember.”

“Great, we call ourselves his brothers, and we can’t even figure out where he’s going.” Brian lamented, kicking the wall in frustration. From the expression on his face, it was clear to see he blamed himself. It may have been beyond his control, but the feelings were still there. They washed though him painfully, as vivid and all consuming as anything.

Kevin pulled his out his phone, scrolling down through the list of contacts. “He has his phone with him?”

“Not a clue, I think so though. He almost never puts that thing down…but he may not know where he is.”

“Gives us a place to start. Maybe even tell him to tweet something, then we can track his location.”

AJ tilted his shades down, his brows raised. He stared at Kevin, as if Brian wasn’t even there beside him. “When did you go all James fucking Bond on us?”

“Just be glad I have an idea.”

“And if he doesn’t know? We may have to go out and search manually.”

Kevin nodded. “I’m just hoping we have some good luck. We need some.”

Howie sighed, glancing out the window. “Some Thanksgiving. After we find him, I’m giving thanks just for that.”

****

Nick walked down the streets of Los Angeles, completely unsure of where he was going. He couldn’t remember how he got there or exactly what he was looking for. He kept going because he didn’t have much of a choice. His wallet had been left at home, not that he could remember quite where that was at the moment. But it meant not being able to catch a cab or anything even if he did know a location.

You can do this. Just try to remember how you got here.

It felt so unnatural, having no idea of how to get anywhere. He was used to being at ease in so many places because of the life he lived. And now, Nick wasn’t sure of anything. His phone was in his pocket, he could feel it vibrating. It had been going off for the past hour, he thought anyway. Time had a funny way of slipping through his fingers these days. Either way, as the phone buzzed away, he ignored it. He didn’t want to talk to anyone. He felt ashamed, embarrassed, a waste of time for those around him. He was going to do this on his own.

I just gotta figure out what I’m doing.

Nick continued to walk. Maybe he could find a beach. How far from was he? That had always been his best place for thinking. When nothing else felt like home, the ocean welcomed him in a way nothing else ever had. He glanced around for a sign, something recognizable, for anything really. He saw street signs, but those meant nothing to him anymore.

“Oh my God, are you Nick Carter?”

He looked away, recognizing the tone of a teenaged fan. Suddenly he was nineteen again, thrust back into the height of his fame. One fan spotting him meant soon he’d be surrounded by a mob that would grab at him without any sense of control. What was he doing without any security? Where were the fellas? Where was he? Why was he here?

He did what made the most sense to him. He ran without a look back, into the crowds as he entered The Grove, a well known shopping center. One frequently a hot spot for not only celebrities, but everyone else included in that. He skidded to a stop before the bronze statue of two angels flying up into the air, intertwined. He glanced around in a panic. It seemed there was no one around. But he couldn’t be sure.

Nick kept walking, wishing now that his phone was ringing, but it had stopped.

Should I call? Kevin’s probably furious; I must be late for one of those boring ass meetings…

“Hey Nick, long time no see.”

Camera flashes blinded his vision. They seemed to come from everywhere. A swarm of paparazzi, locusts that sensed his weakness and prayed upon it mercilessly. He stepped back, startled and frightened by all the random attention he was getting. They were shouting questions at them but he heard none of them. It felt like a random buzzing. He was thrust back into the present, bewildered and confused.

“Leave me alone.” Nick demanded, trying to sound more sure of himself than he actually was. He went completely ignored as the paparazzi continued. He felt himself backing up against the wall, ready to give up. His phone rang again. Nick felt a new energy rise. This time as he fought his way through the mob of cameras, tears welling up in his eyes from fear and frustration, he answered.

“Hello?” He was breathless as he ran.

“NICK!? Nick, its Kevin, where are you?”

“I…” Nick stopped, glancing around. He didn’t know. “I…” Finally, as much as it killed him inside to do it, he stopped a young girl walking along the sidewalk. She couldn’t be much older than twelve.

“This is gonna sound crazy, but…” He swallowed down every inch of pride and self respect as he whispered. “Where are we?”

She smiled, eager to help and without any questions. “The Grove.”

“I heard her Nick. Don’t worry. We’re on our way.”

His voice shook as he spoke. “Hurry.”

****

The ride back in Brian’s hummer was a silent one. Nick had never felt so humiliated in his entire life. He didn’t know what to say. What could he say? He’d wandered off like a child of five. They had tried to embrace him, once they found him, but he pulled away. He had simply followed them to the car without a word. This was a first; he’d never done anything like this before. The idea frightened him to his very core. He didn’t remember leaving. He didn’t remember anything before the paparazzi had come upon him.

There was tension in the vehicle. AJ was sitting in the backseat with him, and Howie was between them. The two cousins sat up front. The few times words were spoken, they were clipped, short, and tight. Brian and AJ refused to acknowledge each other and Nick had no idea why. But should he? That’s what he hated most. If something happened that he should know about or not. He always felt so afraid to ask. To admit to such a crippling weakness, even if they did know about the disease.

Even if they understood.

He thought the words, even though he didn’t speak them. Guys, I’m so sorry.

Up front, Brian was thinking of what could’ve happened. Anything, that was what. Because he had been careless. What if someone other than the scum of fame had come upon them? They had been incredibly lucky that that had been the worst of it. Nick had signed over all responsibility to him. Had Nick made a mistake? Would he screw things up even worse than if Jane had gotten the rights?

Brian bit his nails nervously. He didn’t want to admit that the Nick he knew was fading. Parts were still there, alive and strong. Just the other day, he’d made a promise to Nick. Because Nick knew he was getting worse by the day. He only wondered if he’d be able to do it. He felt he owed it to his best friend, the person he was closest to ever since he was eighteen. And now, twenty three years later, at the age of forty-one, he felt like he was doing nothing but failing him. A single tear ran down his face, away from the eyes of his band mates as he stared out the window.

Nick, I’m so sorry. Somehow, I’m going to take care of you.

I promise.

Chapter Thirty Nine

“Brian…we can’t keep him forever.”

Brian walked towards the entryway to the living room. Nick was watching TV, or he hoped so anyway. He seemed more to be staring at it in a bit of a daze. But he wanted to be optimistic about things. He’d meant what he’d told AJ two weeks ago on Thanksgiving; parts of Nick were still alive. As long as that was true, as long as Nick wasn’t an empty, memory-less shell, Brian wasn’t ready, nor willing, to give him up.

He knew what the others were saying. After the last talk they’d had about it, he’d seen the looks they passed to each other when they thought Brian wasn’t paying attention. They thought he was tricking himself into thinking Nick could be healed. Brian knew better, he knew Nick was beyond that. He prayed nightly for his friend, even if it was to no avail. But he was realistic enough to know that only a miracle could bring back the Nick he knew completely. At the same time, he knew that person wasn’t gone yet either.

And until he was, Brian wasn’t going to let him go.

“I know…”

“Maybe Kevin’s right, and it’s time we start looking for a place for him to go.”

“No.”

“Brian…”

“I said no. I know that it’s getting worse.”

“We can’t give him everything he needs.”

“No. We can right now. I know it has to happen, but not yet. He’s not ready.”

Leighanne touched his shoulder, turning him back towards her. He looked deeply into the warm blue eyes of the woman he’d loved for so long. That fateful day on the video shoot for As Long As You Love Me. It had changed his life, as did she. She supported him in everything, always there when he needed her to be. She didn’t even question Brian when he had told her they should stay out in Los Angeles to help Nick. Or when he asked if Nick could live with them, unable to live alone, yet not ready for an adult care center. He was deteriorating quicker than anyone expected, even the doctors. Yet, there were so many moments where the real Nick, the kid he’d known for so long, rose to the surface. Nick was still in there, somewhere.

“He’s not…or you’re not?”

Brian pulled away at the question, watching Nick once again. Now his face was lit up as he watched the football game that he’d found while channel surfing. He was cheering along as the runner ran across the field. Just like that, the Nick he knew and loved was there.

“He’s not. I’ll do what I have to…when the time comes.” He swallowed back the lump that rose. “But that’s not now. And I wish everyone would stop pushing me about it. He’s not ready.”

I’m not ready.

His wife simply nodded, leaning forward to kiss him on the cheek before walking off down the hall. He knew she disagreed with him. Brian was thankful she left it at that. He stayed in the doorway, simply watching Nick as the memories hit him. Nick wasn’t the only one reliving the past as time went by. Brian was as well. Who had known that this was where the path of their friendship would lead them?

Baylee walked in the room from the kitchen, as Brian continued to observe. For a moment he was thrown back into time. Back to the days when they shared hotel rooms, back in the early days of their career. How many times had he plopped down next to Nick, parked in front of the TV? The biggest difference was that then, it had been video games that absorbed him, rather than football games.

Baylee plopped down on the couch next to Nick. The action simply added to the déjà-vu. For the first few weeks he’d been staying with them, Baylee avoided the man who’d been like a second father to him. It hurt to see that from his only child, but he understood as well. Nick had too, and had hid the pain that the avoidance caused him.

“Who’s winning?”

“Tampa’s up by three.” Nick replied, grinning widely and Brian knew it had nothing to do with the game now.

“Sweet! You should’ve called me down once the game was on.”

“I forgot that it was, just caught it myself.”

“It’s okay, you forget everything these days.” Baylee teased, reaching up and tousling Nick’s head the way Nick always did to him growing up. “Just call me your personal PDA.”

“My PDA…A…A…” Nick sang, laughing. Of everything, the one thing that hadn’t slipped from his memory was lyrics from their catalog of songs. All those lyrics from previous albums up until the last two, Nick could still recite back with an accuracy that surprised them all.

“Fifty bucks say Tampa ends up choking and the Patriots win.”

“Dude, do you even have fifty bucks?”

“Of course I do!”

“You are so on Brian.”

“Baylee.” His son corrected softly, the smile on his face instantly vanishing.

Nick glanced back, confused for a moment as his brow furrowed in concentration. Then, he smiled shakily, though it was clear to see he was still a bit lost in the mix of past and the present. He sighed, before nodding. “Right, sorry Bay. It’s just, you’re such a Mini-B, that I had a fraud-and slip, I think it’s called.”

Baylee laughed, though Brian could see it was a bit forced. Still, he was proud of his now fourteen year old son, for handling it the way he was. The acceptance was there, Baylee was coping the best way he could. And Brian was proud.

“Freudian slip, Uncle Nick, Freudian. By the way, I googled the odds on the game.” He held up his iPhone 10 that he’d just gotten for his birthday. “You’re so going down.”

“Hey now! I got faith in my Bucs man…”

“Says the man who’s been claiming for the last decade they’ll win a Super Bowl.”

“It hasn’t been the last decade…and besides, ten years ago…you were only…” A pause. “Four. So how would you know?”

“Cause when dad first got me into football, the first thing he taught me was that you had bad taste in teams.” He snickered.

“Just watch, they’ll do it this season, you just wait.”

He watched the pair, laughing and bonding. For a moment it seemed once again like there were no problems. That Nick wasn’t sick, that his mind wasn’t failing him in the prime of his life. From an outsider’s perspective, this would look like a happy family scene. A typical day.

Brian simply wished he could believe the illusion himself.

The phone rang, distracting Brian from his thoughts of then and now, bringing him back from his musings. He walked back down the hall, giving a glance up to the record plaques that adorned the walls. He’d been so blessed during his life, as Nick had been. He was determined to be sure Nick realized that every single day. Despite everything, he kept his faith that God wouldn’t give them anything they couldn’t handle.

I only wish He didn’t trust us so much.

Finally, he answered the phone to hear Jenn Sousa voice on the other end. His brows raised a bit, he hadn’t talked to her since the release of End Of The Road almost a month before. With the decision to have no more interviews or promotion after the release, there hadn’t been a need to contact her. He considered her a friend, but with everything going on, it had been easy to lose touch for a bit.

Her last call had been to break the news that the album had broken the first week’s sales record last set by NSYNC, by selling 2.5 million records in the first week of release, counting both digital and physical copies. Call it petty, but Brian had had a moment a satisfaction by having their final “new” album as a group beat NSYNC one last time. Part of him knew that the reason it was selling so high, was because of the group officially disbanding, because of hype surrounding Nick and his condition. But he refused to think about that. It only got to be depressing. He had enough things to cause that as it was.

“Brian?”

“Sorry, I spaced out for a second. Everything’s been…” he glanced around, and when he saw no one, released a sigh. “…hard.”

“No, I understand. How’ve you been?”

“As good as I can be.”

“I actually have good news.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah…Grammy nominations are out. Nick’s been nominated…“

Brian’s heart soared with joy as Jenn listed off what categories I Did It For You was listed under. This was exactly what Nick needed. Something to show him that he would be remembered for what he did, what he created, and not for what he would become. He’d sworn to Nick just before thanksgiving to do something to ensure that. This could only help ease Nick’s fears.

“Hold on, okay!”

He ran out into the living room, thrusting the phone at Nick, who was too into the game for a moment to notice. His hand batted the phone aside. He shot an annoyed look up at him, without words, clearly expressing that Brian should know better than to interrupt now. He held out the phone towards him again.

“Nick, you want to talk to Jenn right now.”

Rolling his eyes, Nick took the phone. “Jenn, you’re interrupting the game right now…”

His eyes lit up as he was told the news. He started talking excitedly, the game now forgotten as the Tampa Bay Buccaneers lost as Baylee had predicted. Nick hung up, and stood excitedly. He hugged Brian tightly. Brian couldn’t stop smiling.

“Brian…my solo work got nominated…I can’t believe this. Best Pop Performance, Best Pop Album…” He pulled away, looking at Brian directly, his eyes shining. “Dude…I can’t believe this.”

“You deserve it, you did some amazing work on that album, you put your soul into it and it showed.”

“I gotta call Kevin!” He paused. “Wait, do you think I got like…a pity nomination…because of, you know…”

“No! Nick, you deserve this. You got nominated because they thought your songs were worthy.”

Nick nodded, and immediately walked off to go call Kevin, dialing as he did. He watched him go contently, so happy Nick was going to get his moment before it all ended. Brian sat next to Baylee, who took Nick’s place in channel surfing. He wrapped his arm around him, and he immediately shrugged it off in typical teenaged fashion. He nudged him a bit playfully. Baylee glanced over at him, his face so like his own. If there was such a thing as time travel, Brian would wager this would be it. It was like looking into a youthful mirror sometimes.

“You okay?”

“Yeah.”

“You sure? You can talk about it you know.”

“I’m fine.”

Brian resisted the urge to roll his eyes at the simplistic noncommittal responses. It came with the age he was at; he remembered when he got to be like that for a little bit with his own parents. He tried again, straightening up the pillows cast aside along the couch.

“You can talk to me you know.”

Silence.

He waited, just watching Baylee watch TV. He knew what was coming before it did.

“It’s….just so hard you know? I mean…sometimes, he’s totally bad ass, Uncle Nick, ya know? And then he gets this way, and it’s like I don’t even know him. Like, he doesn’t even know me. Dad, you always say God has a reason for everything. Why? Why would he do this? Nick never did anything to deserve this…”

As he hugged his son close, his hands caught in his mop of golden curls, Brian wondered the same thing. His head rested upon Baylee’s, neither saying anything for awhile. They stayed like that, each lost within their thoughts.

“I wish I knew Bay…I wish I knew.”

Chapter Forty

Christmas with the Carters.

Because Brian knew it would probably be the last Christmas Nick had outside of an adult care center, he had inevitably decided on what he dubbed mentally as a Carter Christmas. He didn’t go back to Kentucky, didn’t invite his own family back out here, and amazingly enough, they understood. Instead, Brian invited the Richardsons, the McLeans, the Doroughs, and then the entire Carter clan to his home.

It was a time to let bygones be bygones, and celebrate what blessings they had together. He believed for whatever reasons, fate had brought five men together. By doing so, it intertwined their families without a choice. If for no other reason, than to be there for Nick, they needed to just unite for one last “normal” holiday.

Leighanne was the official chef of the day, and had freed Brian of any responsibility to help. Instead, she called Kristin and Leigh, and the three of them had set to work on preparing the dinner. To keep things civil, the Carters were supposed to all arrive later. He hoped he thought of everything. Nick didn’t need this to turn out badly. Even if he didn’t remember it, Brian wanted a good day for all of them to hold on to.

Last week, he’d been spending all his time walking through centers that Nick could transfer to. Nothing felt right. Nothing felt like this should be it. But he knew everyone was right when they continued to tell him he needed to be looking into it. Nick’s sleeping problems had been increasing, another sign of the progression of the disease.

“Brian?”

Kristin stood there behind him, at the sliding door. He had been sitting out on the porch, just looking out into the backyard. It was easy to get wistful, and he’d even been warned by Kevin that if Brian kept shutting everyone out, he’d find a way to get him to see a therapist. The word “depression” was getting tossed around a lot anymore. He wasn’t depressed. He was simply trying to cope the best way he knew how.

“Hey.” He turned towards her, smiling at his cousin-in-law. She always felt like a sister, in the same way Kevin had always been more than simply his cousin.

“We need you inside.”

“Everything okay?”

“No, see Jane arrived and Nick saw her…”

“WHY IS SHE HERE?!” He could hear Nick screaming.

He ran inside, making a hard decision instantly. He grabbed at Nick, who was beat red, looking livid at the sight of Jane Carter. She was standing there, her face stricken with hurt and betrayal. Angel stood just behind her, in tears at the sight of her brother this way.

“What is she doing here Brian?!”

“She’s just here to visit, it’s Christmas…remember?”

“She’s here to force me back home; she wants me to be her damn ATM again! I won’t do it anymore mom!”

A memory flashed through his head, back to when they were just kids. Nick had had enough. It was the first time he’d stood up against his family. It wasn’t going to be the last, of course. Since he was seventeen, his family had threatened to force him back home by declaring him a runaway. Nick had agreed to send money till he was eighteen, in return for freedom. He’d ended up staying at Brian’s place in Tampa about a month later anyway, not liking the emptiness that came with living alone.

“Nick, honey, that’s not it.”

Brian shook his head at her, trying to get her to be quiet. “Nick…” He turned his best friend toward him, trying to calm him down but clueless as to how. “Buddy, you’re not seventeen anymore. You haven’t been an ATM for them in a long time…okay?”

“No! It’s not okay! Get her the fuck out of my house!”

“Dad…what’s going on?” Baylee asked, with Mason, Lily, James, and Lenni in tow behind him.

“Baylee, go to your room. Now.”

“But-”

“I said NOW Baylee!”

Nick frowned. “Who’s he? Brian, what the hell is going on around here?!”

Immediately he saw the looks of the kids when Nick didn’t recognize any of them. Baylee himself looked wounded as he led the kids back down the hall. He wanted to go after them, to explain. Kevin was the one who went after them to do so, along with AJ and Howie. Brian however, was left to handle Nick. Part of him was angry. He wanted Nick, this problem, gone from his life. He wanted things back to the way they used to be, and the irrational part of himself blamed Nick. Right then, for just a moment, he wished Nick was already dead.

The guilt that followed instantly was overwhelming.

“Brian?” Nick asked again.

He sighed as he led Nick out into the backyard, shooting Jane another apologetic look as he did. He spoke soothing words to his friend, explaining what he could. This wasn’t his fault. No one was to blame. It was just the burdens that God had set upon him to handle it. But could he? The two sat down on the swing chair. He wrapped his arm around Nick as his friend slowly calmed down. He did his best to hold it together, trying his best to remain strong.

Brian just wasn’t sure if he could be anymore.

****

Nick was sleeping back in his room a few hours later. Understandably, Angel, BJ, Leslie, and their families took Jane out for dinner on their own. They felt it was for the best. Brian had tried to explain how it wasn’t her fault; Nick just didn’t remember how they reconciled. Instead he thought he was seventeen, fresh from a European tour, and buying his own place to get away from his parents. And while they remembered the incident as well, they were still hurt and angry at Nick for his actions.

Part of him understood. This couldn’t continue. He could feel his heart shatter into jagged pieces that tore at him inside just at the thought. He didn’t want to give his best friend up. But in the end, he knew it was time. All the signs pointed in that direction. He wanted more time. He wanted to somehow help Nick get better, even though the thought itself was completely irrational. Now, he accepted it was time to put Nick in the hands of those trained to handle it.

As much as it killed him to do so.

Kevin looked at Brian. “It’s time. You know what…”

“…Home to put him in? Yeah, there’s this nice one with a great view of the beach. They have a few caretakers who specialize in Alzheimer’s. They haven’t had someone so young before, but they seemed like they could handle it.”

“We can each visit him on a different day of a week, maybe one all together. That way he doesn’t feel like he was abandoned in there.”

AJ punched the nearby wall, wincing at the impact. The four of them were outside in Brian’s backyard again, watching the sun set as they tried to plan their youngest brother’s future. He didn’t look at any of them, and Brian didn’t blame him.

“This fucking sucks. I hate this shit.”

“This isn’t easy for anyone.” Howie said, sitting in the porch swing. “We know how unfair it is, but we can’t change it.”

“Nick knew this was coming. We all did.”

“That’s why he did his best to prepare for it.”

They all remained silent for some time, each lost in their own set of thoughts. Then, Brian smiled, inexplicably. He thought back to younger years, back to what had started them on this very road. There were so many things they had dealt with along the way. He wouldn’t change a thing. All of it added up to the men they were today, even this. They needed the good times and the bad. He started laughing as he reminisced, which caused the others to look at him oddly. Howie frowned.

“Brian, are you okay?”

He nodded, wiping the tears away. For the first time in awhile, these were tears of laughter, rather than pain. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just…do you remember when he got mad at AJ for busting his Gameboy…?”

“Oh yeah…he was annoying the hell out of me with that damn thing!”

“So Nick…and I still can’t figure out how…cause AJ never told us…”

“I’m taking that shit to the grave man…”

Kevin started laughing. “That’s right; he super glued your hands to the bathroom stall door at some restaurant in Germany.”

Howie cracked up as well. “And we almost forgot him; we would have had Lou not gone in to use the restroom. He was unzipping his pants. AJ screamed to get his attention…”

“That image fucking scarred me for life.”

“Oh! I’ve got another, do you remember, back in 1999, when we accidentally forgot Nick at that road stop!”

“Yeah, and I looked out my window, and there’s Nick chasing after the busses screaming.”

“I stuck my head out the window just to laugh at his dumbass. That shit was hilarious. He was running for his life, throwing shit at the busses. He was screaming all… ‘Hey! That’s okay! Just forget me! I’m only NICK FUCKING CARTER!’ and then he’d throw something again and yell, ‘AJ you asshole! Tell them to fucking stop!’ Too damn funny.” AJ said between his laugher.

Kevin’s eyes narrowed. “You two didn’t tell us for an hour after he left.”

Howie shrugged, smirking. “I liked the quiet. You gotta remember, Nick was nineteen. I loved him, but he got on my nerves! I couldn’t get sleep with him around. I wanted a catnap before I told you we forgot him.”

The group burst into laughter again. Brian enjoyed the moment. A realization hit him. Nick may not remember them, but they would remember him. The way he would always be filled with laughter. The loyalty he had for those who cared about him, how protective he got with those he loved. Or how he always tried so hard at everything he did, no matter what others said. The passion that he lived his life with was one of a kind. They’d remember the life he lived and they way he enjoyed every moment of it.

And despite everything, that was enough.

Epilogue

Not every story has a happy ending.

Life just doesn’t work that way. I’m not sure what you could call this, but it’s anything but happy. I thought I was done writing this story a few nights before. Yet, here I am, pulling out my notepad, still adding to it so I can type it up later. So I don’t think I am. Despite myself, I need to speak as me, and stop hiding behind the idea of the narrator. Like I said earlier, it’s good to grieve over what’s been lost and let yourself feel the pain that comes with it. It’s been seven years since Nick’s been committed to the home he lives in now. And as I stand outside the door to his room, it doesn’t get any easier.

Nothing’s ever easy anymore.

The caretakers love him; they say on his good days, he’s fun. He livens up the place with his randomness, his childlike antics. In short, Nick is still Nick, even when he doesn’t remember anymore. I think if he knew that, he’d be happy. It was one of his biggest worries. Are you still you, even when everything is taken away?

In his case, the answer is yes.

He doesn’t know me anymore, even on his good days. When I, or any of us really, come to visit, he nods, he smiles when we tell him. But it’s pretty easy to see he can’t find that memory, it’s lost to him, like everything else. Long ago, we stopped trying to tell him. We come in as visitors. It seems to be for the best. It hurts but it doesn’t hurt him. His sisters come in often, Leslie even moved back here to the States with her family. I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen Bob Carter, but after me, Jane visits the most.

You know what she’s doing now? She decided to start the Nick Carter Foundation – Finding the Cure for Alzheimer’s. It’s funding the testing needed to actually seek out a possible cure. Who would’ve guessed? I wish Nick knew. He deserved that.

Just like he deserved the Grammys he won. He doesn’t know why they’re in his room, but I made sure they were placed on his shelves all the same. I got a few weird looks when I insisted on that. But I knew that Nick would want that. I just wish he knew. But even so, without the memories, without knowing me even a little, I come to see him every Saturday.

He’s still Nick, you see.

I nod at the nurse when she sees me; they know me by name now.

She steps forward, knocking on the door gently. You don’t want to surprise Nick; it upsets him and can cause one of his episodes that’ll take hours to calm him down. I’ve seen a few of those. I end up crying when no one will see me every time. It never gets any easier.

“Nick? You have a visitor…”

He turns from the radio he was fiddling with, and gives me a smile that used to charm the world twice over. Even though there’s grey in his hair, he doesn’t look his age. It’s almost like this disease stopped him from aging. At the age of forty-five, Nick looks like he’s only in his late thirties. It reminds me of the cruelty of this happening to him. He should be enjoying himself at his prime, not trapped in this home without a clue of who he is. Without knowing that he had plenty of people who cared about him.

I take in a deep breath. “Hi, I’m Brian.”

“Nick…or so they tell me. Sorry, my memory ain’t too great.”

I smile as best as I can. “It’s okay.”

The radio catches my attention, as a new song begins to play. The song is one I’ve heard too many times in my own lifetime. A song I’ll never forget. Just the beginning notes are enough to grab at me in ways not much else can. The pride I always felt when I heard this song has long since faded. Now, it serves to do nothing but break my heart.

You are, my fire…the one desire…

“Hold on, let me turn this up.” I see his face scrunch up in concentration. “This song sounds really familiar, like I know it or something…” He smiles. “I like it, anyway.”

Believe, when I say…that I want it that way…

“I do too.”

I shut the door behind me.