Prologue

I’ve been called a lot of things in the past thirty three years: Alex, AJ, J, Bone, Johnny No Name, Jizzle…I’ve also been called a motherfucker, a psychotic, an asshole, inconsiderate, self-centered, incontrollable, a great lover, a horrible lover, and everything in between. Only in the past year have I acquired the new title of husband. And from the moment Rochelle became my wife, she also became obsessed with adding ‘father’ to my resume.

It’s not that I didn’t want to be a dad. It’s just that I didn’t think it would be so hard to make it happen. And when it finally did, I had to screw it up.

It began with what I like to call the package: full lips and big tits. Andrea had both. When she had come jogging next to the car I was riding in at the Gay Pride Parade my pulse wasn’t the only thing that shot up.

Rochelle had gone through eight miscarriages since our wedding in October. We were nearing our first anniversary but it was as if I was married to a virtual stranger. The loveable, erotic, desirable, crazy woman that I had thought was a female version of myself had disappeared. In its place was a calculating, nervous, emotional wreck of the monkee I once loved with all my heart.

If there was one thing I didn’t want to fail at, it was marriage. My dad had walked out on my mom and me and to this day I hated him for it. I didn’t want my marriage to fall apart. I just wanted to know that I was still able to feel.

That’s where Andrea comes in. There was a lot of stuff to feel, if you know what I mean. As the other guys disappeared at the mention of bull riding, I followed Andrea around the after party like a little puppy dog. Rochelle had cut me off of the little alcohol I had allowed myself to unwind. She also flushed every single pack of cigarettes down the toilet. I was like a slinky that had been smashed too tight. I was ready to spring at any moment.

Andrea smelled good like fresh squeezed lemons. She leaned into me in just the right way, her wrist gliding over my arm in this ultra erotic way that had me practically foaming at the mouth. She opened her purse to reveal a little baggie and gave me a wink. I knew what was in the baggie and I could have exploded right in her face with just that wink. She wove through the crowd and I followed like a curious little boy.

She twisted her way into the coat closet and beckoned me in. I slid in behind her, drawing the door closed. I was wearing my Lady GayGay shirt and a black fedora on my head. I ran my hands along my thighs. My pulse was racing. I hadn’t had this much excitement in…hell I don’t even know how long. The last few months of my life had consisted of jizzing into containers and having a doctor play the dating game with eggs in a dish.

Not the most romantic experience, let me tell you.

Andrea took the bag out of her purse and a blunt wrap. She rolled up the marijuana expertly and lit the tip. The ‘all natural’ aroma hit me hard. She took a long greedy inhale and passed it to me. I closed my eyes and let the old familiar sensation hit me. It wasn’t cheap quality stuff. I could already feel the blood vessels in my eye expand.

“It’s been a long time,” Andrea said coyly. Her hands slid to a rest on my stomach. I leaned back into a pile of jackets. “How ya been?”

I stared down at her tits and then made a beeline for those big plump lips.

“I’ve been better,” I said. I held out the hit and she took a drag. With each puff her body came closer and closer to mine until her chest was pressed right into mine. Her hands that were on my stomach had come to a nice resting place on my crotch. I felt my erection pulsating before her fingers.

“You looked like you needed to unwind today,” she said. She dropped to her knees and I almost thought I heard the bells and whistles of a slot machine. Jackpot.

My hands wrapped around the rod holding the jackets while her mouth wrapped around my rod. She worked at it like a professional. Her sticky pink lip gloss was everywhere and I loved it. I hadn’t felt so uninhibited in forever.

“Yes,” I moaned. My head flew back and hit the wall as I released. I felt her heavy breathing against my bare skin. Minutes later she was back on her feet and my mouth crushed hers like an unleashed wildcat. Her thigh muscles felt strong underneath my hands as she wrapped her legs around my waist. We went banging into the sides of the closet; the smell of the marijuana and lemons and sweet release made me dizzy.

I think it was the dizziness that made me realize what I had just done.

“Andrea, we need to stop,” I whispered.

I was waiting for a bitch fit; I had been the victim of many of those in my time. To my surprise, she just dragged out one last nibble on my bottom lip.

“I understand,” she said. My hands dropped from her breast and as if nothing had happened she slipped out the door.

I tried the same technique, only with different results. It was just my luck that Nick was standing by the door. Busted.

I had promised him that what had happened would never happen again. It wasn’t that I wanted to be unfaithful to Rochelle it was just…all so confusing. Little did I know that my time with Andrea was only the beginning of my downward spiral.

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The moment Andrea walked onto the dance floor to try out for the tour, I knew I was a goner. I devoured the sight of every well toned muscle and curve that she had in her body. Kevin seemed impressed enough but I was the one who had pushed for her to get a spot.

After announcing callbacks, I just happened to make sure I bumped into her. She came back to my place in LA armed with some cocaine. I hesitated to take a hit; I hadn’t touched the stuff in six years. Even so, her little brushes against me and her teasing voice brought me to the point of taking a couple of hits. We shared a couple slices of pizza and some wine. I had her naked before the bottle of wine was gone. I tossed her roughly on the bed and she yanked me roughly down. It was wild and inhibited and it was just the type of sex I loved. We clawed at each other and did things that there probably isn’t even a name for.

Somewhere around this time was when Rochelle found out that our last treatment had worked. She had thought it was a failure; heavy bleeding indicated yet another disappointment for her. But in reality it was just the loss of one. She…we…still had two more.

We were having twins.

The night she told me the news I vowed that the craziness was going to stop. I reached out to her, but she turned me away. Affection might lead to a miscarriage. We had never been this far before. We couldn’t take any chances.

I guess you could say I was holding a grudge. Plus making the craziness stop was easier said the done. I had forgotten the feeling of invincibility after a hit of cocaine and the way sex felt so much better when half of your body seemed to be in another world. Somehow I kept coming back to Andrea like a moth drawn to flame. I wasn’t in love with her; no, my real love was at home even if she seemed like she had been abducted by aliens and replaced with someone else. No, Andrea was just my plaything and I her player.

It’s probably poetic justice that I happened to be the one to send the picture of Andrea and I kissing to Rochelle from Nick’s cell phone. I hadn’t meant to; but my finger had slipped. The damage was done. It still didn't make me hate Nick any less.

I came home to all my clothes on the lawn and pieces of shattered guitar stuck to the siding of the house. The locks were changed. Rochelle looked at me from the upstairs window as if she wished I were nothing but a pile of ashes.

“We’re done. I don’t ever want to see you again. You can take your lying, cheating, no good, scumbag, dirtball, short dick, hairy ass away from MY house. I HATE you AJ McLean!”

I managed to pick up my cheetah print boxers before she started throwing things that must have been sitting in our refrigerator a little too long. She was crying and shrieking hysterically. I got back into my car and took off.

The first thing I did was to find a familiar little alleyway where I could score some blow. I figured if I was going out…I was going out big. When I felt like I was at that thin line between just being a total fuckup and overdosing, I picked up the phone.

Tomorrow I would start over. It would be day one.

Again.

Chapter One

Step One: We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable

I woke up in a bedroom at Howie’s place. It took me a long time to remember how I got there. I remember picking up the phone…that’s about it.

The bed sheets were drenched with my own sweat. I rolled out of bed and headed in search of a bathroom. I had been at the house a million times before, but never in the shape I was in this morning. I was draining my snake when Howie walked by. So sue me, I don’t close the door.

“What are you doing?”

My eyes were squeezed tight and I was entertaining myself with making a melody with my stream.

“Pissing.”

“That’s James’ potty chair,” Howie said.

I opened my eyes. Sure enough, I was pissing in a bear-shaped potty chair next to the big shitter.

“Hunh.”

“Where are your clothes?”

“In the room.”

Howie pinched the bridge of his nose.

“You can’t walk through my house naked. Leigh’s upstairs and I haven’t even told her I let you stay last night.”

I looked for a flusher on the bear. I shrugged and walked past Howie. He followed me back to the bedroom. I flopped back on the bed and rolled over on my stomach.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m going back to bed.”

“You can’t do that.”

I sighed. I was delaying my second phone call.

“J, what happened last night?” Howie asked quietly.

“Are you asking about the part where Rochelle had all my clothes out on the lawn or the part where I did enough blow to forget how bad I fucked up?”

I heard a groan from the doorway. My fingers crawled over the nightstand and wrapped around my phone.

“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m calling my sponsor.”

----------------------------------------------

“Riviera Phillips.”

“Reva, it’s AJ McLean.”

There was a moment of silence.

“Alex, I haven’t heard from you for awhile. What’s going on?”

I sat up. I heard Howie and Leigh having a ‘conversation’ about me out in the kitchen.

“I fucked up.”

“Start at the beginning.”

I gave her the abbreviated, thirty second version instead.

“Where are choo?”

“A friend let me stay the night.”

“Need me to come get choo?”

I picked up my shirt and did the smell test. I rationalized that she had smelled me a lot worse.

“Yeah.”

Riviera Phillips, also known as just plain ‘Reva’ to those who she’s helped before, was a no-nonsense African American woman in her late fifties with a wicked set of dreads, a heavy Cajun accent, and an amount of patience that was going to get her sainthood when she reached Heaven. Her son Devonte had died of a drug overdose at age seventeen; Reva herself was a crack head at the time. Devonte’s death set her on the path to righteousness and ever since she’s devoted her life to take under her wing poor unfortunate fucked up souls such as myself.

I got dressed in the clothes from the night before and headed out to the kitchen. Howie and Leigh both looked at me. James was playing with his breakfast. Howie had the face he wore when he had to have a serious talk. I held up a hand. I was surprised to see it shaking. I was only coming down from the night before; I felt a line of sweat erupt on my upper lip.

“I’m out of here,” I said. I bowed in Leigh’s direction; I don’t think she was amused. “Thank you for the hospitality.”

I turned to James. “Thank you for the potty.”

He smiled. I’m pretty sure he had no fucking clue what I was talking about. “Yup!” he said as if grown men pissed in his potty every day.

“Where are you going?” Howie asked.

“I called my Florida sponsor. She’ll be here in a minute. I will just show myself out.”

Howie followed me outside.

“What’s your next step?”

I plopped down on the step. “Is there a next step for a fuck up like me?”

Howie sat down beside me. “You tell me.”

I stared up at the trees. Sometimes I wished trees could talk. They’d probably be a hell of a lot more interesting than half the people in this world.

“I’ll do what I’ve done every other time Reva’s had to come pick my ass up. I’ll take it one day at a time.”

“Will you call me and let me know what’s going on?”

I looked at him. “You sure the missus will let me?”

Howie gave me a warning look. “AJ…”

I held up a hand. “I’m done. I’m done. Anyhow, my ride’s here.”

Now the thing about being a drugged-out celebrity (and there are few who aren’t) is that you can have more than one sponsor. My West Coast sponsor was like a twenty five year old version of Dr. Drew. As my East Coast sponsor, Reva was a cross between Hulk Hogan and that one chick from Touched by an Angel. I watched Reva pull up in her ancient rusted out Nova. After all these years I had no clue how the damn thing was still running. She left the car running and got out of the car as I walked up.

“Where’s da bags?”

I pointed to my clothes. “This is all I got this time.”

She whistled. “The Mrs. wasn’t playing around my friend.”

I gave her a crooked smile. “Tell me about it.”

“Where’s da car?”

I looked back at Howie. He was watching from the doorstep.

“Howie, where’d I leave my car man?”

“In an alleyway off of Cedar. I’d be surprised if it wasn’t on bricks by now. I offered to have it towed, but you just started beating the crap out of it last night and told me to leave it.”

I gave him a salute. “Thanks.”

I slid into the car. Reva got in and yanked the parking brake down. The car started rolling.

“Why the parking brake?” I asked. She gave me a smile.

“Unless I want to chase dis' car downhill, I put the parking brake on.”

“You need a new car.”

“God and I have travelled many a miles in this old jalopy. When it’s the car’s time God will let me know. The parking brake is far from the only problem.”

I sank back into the lumpy seat as Reva wove through town. We left the swank subdivisions where the rich and famous called home and ended up in a seedy part of Tampa that under normal circumstances I wouldn’t let my dogs even take a shit on the sidewalk. Once we hit Cedar she yanked on the parking brake. She got out but I didn’t move. I was crashing fast and getting that jumpy feeling of needing another high.

“Let’s go, Alex,” she said.

I got out reluctantly and slammed the door. She didn’t say anything; I doubt it was the first time one of us had slammed that door. I myself had previously done it two times.

We walked up to my Chevelle. Sure enough the tires were gone and it looked like the monkeys from the movie Jumanji had bullied their way into the car from the roof and windshield.

“Now here’s a car going to the Lord’s junkyard in the sky,” Reva declared. She yanked open the door; it gave way easily.

I stood to the side; there wasn’t anything I needed to get out of there. She looked in at the mess.

“Crack is the devil’s lollipop,” she called out. “Whatchoo thinking, Alex?”

I sighed. “I figured if I was meeting you today….I might as well go out with a bang.”

Reva came up out of the car shaking her head. Her large hoop earrings jangled.

“Choo know as well as I do that your problem doesn’t have an end. It’s a…”

“Circle,” I finished. “I know. It’s what you choose to do in the circle that makes the difference.”

Reva smiled. “Good. You remember Miss Reva’s words. Only took two other times. I take choo home.”

I followed her back to the car. Another jab at the parking brake and we wove through the more ‘colorful’ district of Tampa. Kids spilled out onto sidewalks and music blared from windows that hadn’t been boarded up. Reva pulled up to the nicest house on the block. Where the other homes had been vandalized, her house stood strong. Even the dealers knew not to mess with Reva. She didn’t mean any harm to anyone.

The aroma of her house hit me hard as we walked into her tiny cramped entryway. It always smelled like gumbo. Not only did addicts come to Reva’s house to get clean, but they also came to gain ten pounds eating Miss Reva’s famous gumbo.

We walked into the kitchen and Reva held up her hand. I knew what was coming next.

“Spread ‘em, Alex.”

I sighed. “It’s not necessary. I’m clean.”

“Choo know as well as I do that I wasn’t born yesterday. Spread ‘em or I spread ‘em for ya. Choo ain’t got nothing I t’ain’t seen before.”

With a sigh I faced the wall and did the standard criminal stance: head down; legs apart. She patted me down expertly. She got the half empty pack of cigarettes in my back pocket. That wasn’t so bad, but then she got the miniscule amount of marijuana out of my sock. She clicked her tongue.

“Choo’s a bad liar,” she chastised. She grabbed both items.

“Sit down and I’ll be back in a second.”

I slumped down at her scarred kitchen table. Those who came before me had etched their initials into the table out of frustration or maybe just as a memento so she’d always remember them. Of course, Reva never forgot.

Ten minutes later she came back into the kitchen. I watched her open the refrigerator and take out a large round Tupperware container. Minutes later the smell of warmed up microwave gumbo filled the kitchen.

“Time for a test. What’s step one?” she asked. She turned and looked at me, a wooden spoon held deftly in her hand.

“Step one,” I said. “Admit to fucking up.”

She gave me a look. “Alex, it’s always fucking with choo. Fucking this, fucking that. Choo know I hate that word. It’s generic. It means so much. Tell me again. What’s step one?”

I traced one of the deeper initials in the table.

“I admit I am powerless over my addiction and that my life has become unmanageable,” I said. It was ingrained in my head as much as The Pledge of Allegiance was. Stars and stripes and bitches and blow for all. God bless America.

The microwave beeped. Reva got the container out and ladled up a bowl. She set it in front of me with some rough bread and a spoon. I took a bite and closed my eyes. I used to think that some people probably became addicts just so they could get Reva’s gumbo.

The sound of a chair scraping against worn linoleum snapped me out of gumbo bliss. Her bangle bracelets clanged against the table as she folded her hands under her chin.

“And what is your addiction, Alex?” she asked. I took another bite and yanked at the bread. It felt good to get a little violent, even if it was only a damn piece of bread.

“What isn’t?” I asked dryly.

“That t’ain’t going to help choo along,” she said wisely. I blew on my next mouthful before taking a bite.

“Let’s see…there’s the drugs, of course. I’ve been dabbling with marijuana and cocaine again. Then there’s the sex. I can’t get enough of sex. The more the better.”

“Those are surface addictions,” Reva said calmly. “We’ve been there before, haven’t we?”

I smirked. “A time or two.”

“What’s your wife think of all this? Choo been married a year. I remember that fancy dancy wedding. Choo see me dance to Brick House?”

I laughed. “You killed it.”

I took another bite.

“I didn’t ask the last part so you wouldn’t answer the first. What about Mrs. Alex?”

I let my spoon drop down into the bowl.

“Mrs. Alex is a different person than the one I married,” I said.

“Is she a user?”

I shook my head. “Social drinker and partier….well, was.”

“Was?”

I looked across the table. I would have killed for my sunglasses but it was another thing not allowed in Reva’s house. As she always reminded me, ‘eyes are the windows to the soul.’

“I’m going to be a dad, Reva.”

“Then your sex addiction came in handy?”

I cracked a sardonic smile. “Not quite.”

She was peeling back the layers of my problem. I was seeing Step One a little more clearly, even though I didn’t like it. I opened up about the miscarriages and the test tubes and the lack of intimacy. Reva was a patient listener. I knew she was waiting for me to get to the answer before she would help me towards the solution. If there was a solution.

Holy fuck, let there be a solution.

I took a deep breath.

“Rochelle’s made me feel like I don’t have control of my life. I took back control by cheating on her and using again, which are my two addictions. Which, in hindsight, just made my life uncontrollable in a different way.”

Reva nodded. “Good, I think we got it.”

Oh goody, I thought. Only eleven more steps to go.

She got up out of her chair and went to the cupboard where I knew she kept her coffee mugs. It was at this point where she always made herself a cup of tea. I used to believe she got her answer from the tea dregs after draining the cup. Now I just knew that she drank tea like a male dog humps the shit out of a bitch in heat…hard and fast.

“Choo know, Alex. This time I think it’s going to be harder for choo,” Reva said as she warmed up her water.

“Why?” I asked. I yanked at the bread again. She turned to me with a sad smile.

“Because before it’s always been all about choo, whether it involved your Johnny No Name or your AJ or whoever everyone else thought choo should be. But this time…” she trailed off and got out a tea bag. “This time it’s about two, choo and the Mrs. And choo know it takes two to cha-cha-cha.”

“I think you mean tango,” I said.

She shook her head.

“No Alex. With choo I bet it’s more a ‘cha-cha-cha.’”

She was probably right.

Chapter Two

Step Two: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

Part of living with Reva meant that every Sunday you woke up at an inhumane time, got dressed, and hauled ass to make it to church on time. Reva attended Pleasant Chapel Church, a little starter Baptist church housed in an old K-Mart building. Some people might say that the fact that there wasn’t stained glass and nice wooden pews made it less than a church; Reva would just laugh at them and tell them that it doesn’t matter where you worship God as long as you do.

Way back when, during my first go-round with this whole “recovery” business, I had completely separated myself from any type of religion. When you can’t tell the difference between right and wrong, it’s pretty hard to ask for forgiveness.

I’m happy to report that I knew the difference between right and wrong. That’s why Step One was such a breeze. The first time I spent months getting past Step One.

I guess mom was right when she told me I was stubborn.

The thing I laugh about with Step Two is the thought that a belief in God is going to make you sane. I know for a fact that serial killers have turned to God in prison. Does that make them sane? I don’t think so. Even so, I did think God was pretty important and so did Reva. That meant we were going to spend the morning at worship.

In the three days I had been staying with Reva, I had gone to Wal-Mart and Target twice. I had a small collection of clothes, including the required dress shirt and tie.

We sat on folding chairs as the preacher paced around the front of the room with a wireless microphone, delivering this week’s sermon. It wasn’t that the topic of conversation wasn’t interesting, but I felt myself nodding off to sleep several times. Each time there was a sharp jab to my side.

“Alex,” Reva hissed in her warning tone.

I tossed my head back up and snapped to attention.

Even though I can’t really comprehend the image of a man looking down from the cloud watching my every move, it doesn’t mean I don’t believe in God. It’s just that I’ve been in the clouds, and never once have I seen golden gates or pearly gates or whatever type of gates there’s supposed to be.

I appreciated the solidarity of the congregation. Practically half of the members were part of the church choir. I admired the long red and white robes and closed my eyes and let the music flow through me. I felt myself relax for the first time in months. At one point I looked over at Reva and smiled. She gave me an encouraging nod and lifted her hands in the air.

After church we headed back to Reva’s place. I stood at the small sink peeling potatoes.

“Choo’s awful quiet,” Reva said as she put some chicken into the oven.

I sighed. “I was just thinking…”

“Bout what?”

I turned and leaned against the cold metal.

“Do you believe addiction is genetic?”

Reva wiped her hands on a dish towel and sank into a chair.

“That’s what all the doctors say, isn’t it?” she asked.

“I’m not asking what they say; I’m asking what you think,” I said.

“Yes, I do,” Reva answered.

I turned back to the sink. I began to peel more vigorously.

“Course addicts can be de best parents. Life experiences and all t’at. Even though I screwed up, that doesn’t mean choo will.”

“If I screw up now just taking care of myself, what am I going to do with two kids?”

Reva whistled. “Oh twins?”

I turned to see her grinning.

“Dis world ain’t ready for that.”

I cracked a small smile.

“You’re telling me.”

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Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God

“Hey, it’s me.”

“How’s it going?”

“I’m not lying dead in the street ,so I guess just peachy.”

“That’s not funny, man.”

I ran my sneaker along an ant pile. Ants spilled out in all directions.

It was good to know I could screw up a million little lives with one motion.

Lord only knew what I was going to be able to do to two little human lives.

“Are you still at your sponsor’s house?”

“Yup. That’s why I called.”

I heard Howie suck in a breath. I snickered. I loved jacking around with him.

“About Japan…”

I could almost picture Howie having a panic attack.

“I’ll be ready to go by then.”

Howie let out a breath of pure relief.

“That’s great. I mean….but, are you sure?”

I rolled my eyes.

“Do you think Kevin’s going to let me out of his sight for a second? He’s freakin’ better than a twelve-step program. He’ll be breathing down my neck at every stop.”

“I know. But I mean…”

Howie might have a penchant for tequilas and for a good Cuban cigar every now and then, but the concept of addiction just wasn’t in him. I scratched the heavy beard growth on my face. I had a feeling an ant or two had climbed up to give me payback for crushing their home.

“Am I going to break open the mini fridge and start downing all the little liquor bottles?” I asked. “Is that what you mean?”

“Well, you can’t be cured in a week, can you?”

I laughed. “There’s no cure for addiction. I wish it could be that easy. The only thing I can do is just practice self-control.”

“Self-control?”

I could almost see Howie’s face. Me and self-control were not usually mentioned in the same sentence.

“Don’t worry. I’ll see you at the airport. Or before then.”

“Before then?”

I gave my beard another scratch. Then I scratched my leg. Damn…I was fucking itchy. I lifted the bottom of my jeans. My eyes widened.

“Fuck, I got to go.”

“What? What happened?”

I snapped my phone closed and scrambled to my feet. My legs felt like they were on fire. I scratched at my beard.

It wasn’t just an ordinary ant pile I had desecrated. It was home to thousands of pissed off fire ants.

I glanced up at the sky.

“Okay I get it!” I yelled up. “Is this the best you got?”

At that exact second, a shot of lightning streaked across the sky and the heavens opened up with drenching rain. I ran up the stairs feeling the tiny bites and feeling like a giant dick wad.

“What choo doing child?” Reva asked as I unzipped my jeans. I began smacking my legs. I could see the angry red bumps through the hair on my legs.

“Fire ants,” I said. I scratched my balls. I prayed it was just psychosomatic, but I could almost feel those little buggers traveling towards the mountains. I tried to slide off my shoes without untying them; my jeans wouldn’t completely come off with my heavy white sneakers. Finally I sat down on the floor and yanked everything off. I took off towards the shower. The water was always freezing cold but this time I didn’t care. Everything burned and itched.

By the time I got out, Reva was standing over my clothes with a squirt bottle and a fly swatter. She looked at me and shook her head.

“Did nobody tell choo not to mess with fire ants?”

“I didn’t know they were fire ants,” I complained.

“Well don’t mess with regular ants either!”

I held up my hands. “Sorry, just call me fucking Snow White. Maybe the damn birds and I can sing a duet on my next record.”

Reva walked over to me. Her strong fingers pressed against my jaw.

“What—“

She raised the bottle of aimed several heavy squirts right into my mouth. I sputtered as the horrible bitter taste of diluted dish soap filled my mouth. She held up the bottle with a smile.

“Tis gets rid of ants and potty mouths,” she said. She shook the bottle for emphasis. I grabbed the hem of the new shirt I just put on and wiped my tongue against the bottom. It didn’t help. I felt if I burped I was going to come up with a huge soap bubble.

“Point taken,” I said bitterly. Reva walked back in the kitchen and I grabbed the wet clothes from the floor and headed down to the cinderblock basement where the washer and dryer were located. The thunderstorm was still raging outside. As I put in some soap and turned on the washer, I scratched my beard again.

My mom used to wash my mouth out with soap too. I suddenly had a vision of a small version of myself running off at the mouth. What would I do?

Admittedly, I’d probably wash his mouth out with soap. I leaned against the vibrating machine and bit a black tipped nail.

I had until June to get my act together. That meant more than staying away from drugs and alcohol. That meant I had three months to patch things up with Rochelle and stop cussing.

I was going to need a lot of cards, roses…

Oh, and soap.

A truckload of soap was probably a reasonable amount. Right?

Chapter Three

Step 4 - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves

“Why are you here Alex?”

“Well, I thought it would be the best place to start.”

I was sitting in a swank room on the fourteenth floor of one of the multi-million dollar buildings that made up the business district of Tampa. I was sitting across from a well-dressed Latina woman in her late forties with great legs. I know that sounds like I wasn’t making any progress, but these observations just came natural. It didn’t mean I wanted to sleep with the legs (or the body connected to the legs); it just meant that I appreciated a good set.

“Is this your first time with a counselor?”

“A marriage counselor? Yes. A counselor in general? No.”

After a couple phone calls, I had ended up making an appointment with Angela Rodriguez, marriage counselor extraordinaire. I sat on the leather couch, my hands clasped in front of me. I had no clue how she was going to help me make things right with Rochelle, but as Reva told me before I left, I just had to ‘keep de faith.’

“Where is your wife?”

“My best guess? Home.”

Angela studied me; the tip of her pen hovered over her notebook.

“Why don’t you start from the beginning?”

So that’s what I did. I talked about my stints in rehab, the infertility problems, and my subsequent cheating and drug abuse. I secretly thought Angela must be thanking her lucky stars; she charged by the hour, after all. When I finally came up for a breath, she paused in her writing.

“Okay, let’s do a little exercise. How many women do you think you’ve slept with?”

“At one time?”

She stared at me; I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or disgusted.

“In your lifetime.”

I leaned back into the leather. For a normal person, that should have been an easy question. For me, the question was a little daunting.

“I’m going to go out on a limb here,” I said. “But I’m going to say around a hundred to a hundred and fifty.”

Her face didn’t change expression, but from the look in her eyes I could tell that she either thought I was a deviant or was overly sure of myself.

“And how many of those women have you been in love with?”

I closed my eyes. A stream of pretty girls seemed to dance in front of my eyes. Some I knew only by first name, some by no name at all. Only six girls have ever truly had my heart.

“Six,” I finally said.

“What happened with each of them?”

“The first was Mary. We lost our virginity to each other. We were fifteen,” I explained. “We broke up because of all the time I spent with the guys overseas and we just lost touch.”

“You never forget your first,” Angela said. I grinned.

“Exactly. I thought I ruled the world,” I said with a laugh.

“What about the others?”

I held up a finger. “Kelly. I thought she was too good to be true and she was. I thought it was true love and she was just trying to tag along to see if I would become a star.”

I held up another finger. “Then there was Heather. Now she was the real deal. But she wanted to get married and I was only eighteen. I just couldn’t commit.”

I held up the third finger. “Next was Amanda. It was no strings attached but I fell hard for her. There was a little cheating issue on both of our parts.”

I held up the fourth finger. “Then I actually did propose to the next woman, Sarah. Of course that was a complete disaster. I was involved really heavily with drugs and the Black & Blue tour was going on and…” I shook my head. “That whole time in my life was just a blur.”

I slowly held up my thumb. “And then we come to Ro,” I said gently. I put my free hand around my thumb and closed my eyes.

“That’s your wife,” Angela said. I nodded.

“Well, just from what you’ve told me, I’d have to say that you started off as everyone does in relationships: naïve. Over time, especially as your fame increased, you began to get burned. Sex was easily found and willingly given. During this time women became objects rather than people and this view was only enhanced with drug use and stress. I daresay that the stress of starting a family reignited some of your earlier shortcomings and led you to cheat.”

“That pretty much sums it up,” I said.

Angela looked at me thoughtfully.

“Now the question is how we go from acknowledgement to repairing the relationship.”

I nodded. “That’s the goal.”

“I think the only way we’re going to be able to do that is if we can get Rochelle in here both independently and for couple sessions. There’s walls built up around the both of you that need dissected before you can work as one again.”

“How am I supposed to get her here?”

Angela smiled. “Well, it s a little unorthodox…”

“What?”

“Try talking to her.”

------------------------------------------------------

Step 5 - Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

“Choo paid two hundred dollars an hour for something I could have told you?”

Reva and I were sitting in the living room. She was watching a rerun of Maury. I put my feet up on the coffee table; she swatted them down.

“Well, it’s not that simple. I mean, even I knew I need to call Ro, but…”

Reva just smiled. “Da phone’s right there in the living room. Or choo can sit out on the stoop with de fire ants and have a party.”

I scowled. “I hate those fucking ants.”

The moment I said the word I groaned. I grabbed the rubber band around my wrist and snapped. Hard.

Reva raised an eyebrow.

“What’s dis rubber band business?”

“Whenever I cuss I’m going to snap the band,” I explained. “It’s kind of my own method of soap.”

Reva wagged a finger at me. “Choo’s a sexual deviant. I bet pain is part of dis kinky thing. Dis ain’t going to help you quit cussing. Soap. Soap’s the answer.”

I smiled. “I think I’ll try the rubber band first. Too much soap could hurt the pipes.” I touched my throat.

“Too many cigarettes will hurt de voice but choo seem to forget that.”

“Hey, I haven’t had a cigarette in…”

“A few days. Dat ain’t nothing.”

“Is for me.”

She waved her hand and turned the volume up on Maury.

“Go call de Missus.”

I stood up and squeezed her shoulder affectionately. I opted to call from my bedroom. There was no way in hell I was sitting outside again. I picked up the phone on the nightstand and dialed home.

There was a reason I didn’t use my cell phone; I knew that as soon as Ro saw my number she wasn’t going to answer. An unrecognized number stood a fifty/fifty chance.

“Hello?”

I closed my eyes. I had almost forgotten how sweet her voice was.

“Ro, it’s Alex. Please don’t hang up. I want to talk to you.”

I braced myself for a dial tone. When it didn’t come I took it as a sign of progress. Instead there was just vast silence.

“I’m staying at my sponsor’s home and I saw a marriage counselor today. I know how bad I messed up but if you can find it in your heart to at least…”

“I can’t deal with this right now.”

“This isn’t something we can just ignore,” I said. I hated the pleading sound in my voice.

“You made your choice,” she said quietly. “I guess you weren’t ready to have this much responsibility. Now that I know that it’s fine. I can raise the babies by myself.”

My stomach clenched. I’ve been punched in the gut many times before but nothing had ever hurt so much before.

“That’s not what I want. Listen, the marriage counselor’s name is Angela Rodriguez. She’d like to meet you one and one with me not there. Just please, please go and just get your frustrations out. I…I don’t want to fail.”

“You never want to fail anyone,” Ro said. “But you just have a knack for it.”

The line went dead. I stared at the receiver for several seconds before putting it back in its cradle.

I didn’t want to go out and tell Reva that the call was a failure. I flipped open my cell phone and called Howie instead.

“Shit, AJ are you okay?”

“Yeah…why?”

“Yesterday you screamed that you had to go and hung up on me. I didn’t know whether you got shot or Ro tracked you down or what.”

“I can tell you none of the above happened,” I said dryly. “In fact, I just talked to Ro.”

“How’d that go?”

“Not well. At least she didn’t hang up on me automatically when she heard my voice.”

“Well, that’s something. So what happened yesterday?”

“I got attacked by fire ants?”

Howie laughed. “What?”

I lay back on the bed. “Long story.”

“That sounds like something stupid that would happen to Brian or Nick. Which speaking of Nick…”

I really didn’t want to hear about Nick. I was still pissed at him. It was bad enough I was sucking it up to get the tour going.

“What about him?” I said coldly.

“Brooke’s birthday party is on the 15th at the Lowery Park Zoo. I figured Nick probably had no clue where to send your invitation.”

I snorted. “I’m probably not invited. Not that I could care less.”

Howie sighed. “Is this how it’s going to be the whole tour?”

“Maybe.”

“Well, I just thought I’d pass the information along.”

“Thanks. Anyhow, I better be going. I have a lot of things to do,” I said. I picked up my socks and tossed them at the wastebasket. They bounced off and rolled over in the corner.

“Okay, bye man.”

“Bye.”

I tossed the phone onto the nightstand and rolled over on my side. I had nothing to do.

“Fuckin’ A,” I muttered. I paused. My fingers wrapped around the rubber band and I pulled it away from my wrist.

Snap.

Chapter Four

Step 6 - Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character

I woke up the morning of March 15 feeling as if somehow during the course of the night I had experienced a revelation.

That revelation came in the form of a birthday party.

It had taken me a couple days to realize that even though I was mad at Nick, Liv was still friends with Rochelle. There was no doubt in my mind that she would have gotten an invitation to Brooklyn’s birthday party. And I knew that she would at least make a quick appearance.

It would be my only opportunity to talk to her face-to-face before we left for Japan.

I walked into the kitchen that morning whistling happily.

“Choo’s in a good mood. Dat because this is the last day to see me?”

I shook my head. “That’s never a good thing. You have no idea how much I love you, Reva.”

She waved me off. “Enough of dat lovey dovey talk. Sit and eat some breakfast.”

I was glad I was wearing pants with elastic otherwise I would have had to pop a button my pants. I had eaten more in the past two weeks than I had in a year.

“What choo doing today?”

“Well, I’ve got a rental car being dropped off in about an hour. I’ve got to go pick up a gift and then I’m going to a birthday party.”

Reva frowned. I quickly intercepted.

“It’s one of my…” I hesitated to use the word ‘friend.’ “My colleague’s daughter is turning one. Her party is at the zoo.”

“Choo call me if you need me. I don’t care if you are in China.”

“We’re going to Japan first.”

“Whatever country. Choo have Reva’s number.”

“You’re on my speed dial,” I said with a smile.

She pointed at my wrist.

“Dat’s awfully red.”

“It hurts like a bitch.”

Snap.

“There’s always soap.”

“Forget the soap.”

Reva smiled.

An hour later I stood outside by my rental car. Reva hugged me tightly. I felt tears spring to my eyes.

“Just be strong Alex,” she assured me. “Choo know how to do the right thing.”

She pulled away and placed her hand over my heart.

“Just listen to this.”

------------------------------------------------------------

Step 7 - Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings

It felt weird to be out and about again. I stopped at Target and picked out a huge stuffed giraffe that looked pretty cute. I bought a big pink bow to wrap around its neck and stuffed the whole thing into a huge gift bag. I took off to the zoo with the bag swaying back and forth the entire way there. It was kind of how my stomach felt.

The place was crawling with people by the time I got there. I dropped off my gift and went in search of Rochelle.

It wasn’t hard to spot her. She was the only pregnant woman in the crowd. She was looking around, taking sips of punch from a blue plastic cup. Her left hand rested on her stomach. I was glad to see she was still wearing her wedding ring.

I worked my way to her the long way. I ended up next to her right elbow and she still didn’t realize I was there.

“Ro,” I said quietly.

She turned; her eyes wide in surprise.

“What are you doing here?”

I smiled. “I wanted to drop off a present for Brooklyn.”

“The present table is way over there,” she said, pointing at the table where I had put the giant gift bag.

“I know. I also wanted to see you and talk.”

Ro folded her arms across her chest. “We have nothing to talk about.”

“We have tons to talk about. I don’t want to lose you.”

“Don’t you think you should have thought about that before you rolled around in bed with another woman?”

“Ro, I wouldn’t have done that if you weren’t turning me away.”

“Turn you away? How the hell have I turned you away?”

“You wouldn’t even let me touch you,” I explained.

“AJ, I don’t want anything to happen to the babies.”

I felt myself grow warm. “Pregnant women have sex all the time. Just ask Leighanne…or Leigh..or Liv. Nick and Liv fuck like rabbits.”

Snap.

Rochelle looked at the rubber band.

“What’s that for?”

“I’m trying to quit cussing.”

Her lips curved up and I thought I was going to get a smile. Instead she opened her mouth and inhaled deeply.

“The other girls aren’t like me,” she said sadly. “Why can’t you put my needs before yours?”

“Why can’t you understand that I wanted to be treated like a husband rather than a sperm donor?”

Ro frowned.

“I’ve always treated you like my husband and I wanted children with you. What’s so hard to understand?”

It was my turn to frown.

“Wanted?”

“Hey I didn’t see you sneak in.”

I turned to see Brian standing a couple paces away. I looked at Rochelle to make sure she didn’t run off and then back at him.

“Yeah, I just wanted to drop off a present.”

“Well, it’s good to see you.”

“Thanks.”

“How’s it going Ro?”

“Just fine.”

“You look good.”

Ro smiled. “Thanks.”

Brian hovered for another second. Once he figured out neither one of us were going to rip the other’s head off, he scratched the back of his neck and coughed.

“Well, I’ll see you tomorrow, J.”

“Absolutely. I’ll be there.”

Brian walked away. I touched Ro’s arm. She didn’t shrug me off, but I felt her tense.

“I know we aren’t going to fix this in a day. But will you at least go to the counselor with me when I get back from Japan?”

She sighed. “I don’t know, AJ.”

I closed my eyes. “If you don’t want to do it for me, then do it for the babies. They deserve two parents, even if I am a fuck-up.”

Snap.

“Would you stop doing that?” Ro said. She turned around and held up my red wrist. She ran her thumb over the skin tenderly. I smiled.

She still cared whether she was admitting it or not.

“Can I at least get a maybe?” I asked.

She looked into my eyes. It had been so long since we had looked at each other; I mean, really looked at each other. I saw her face soften.

“Maybe,” she whispered.

I kissed her cheek. I didn’t want to press my luck.

“Well then, I’ll see you when I get back.”

“Maybe.”

“That’s a start,” I said.

I turned and walked back through the crowd.

The conversation hadn’t been perfect but it held more promise than I expected. I was feeling better about things.

After I got in the car and buckled up, I sat there a second staring up at the sky. It was a perfect clear blue day with lots of lazy fluffy clouds in the sky. I pictured the big guy upstairs chillaxing on a cloud sipping lemonade. It was a hard thing to believe. Instead I turned my head to the empty passenger seat.

“I know I’ve developed a lot of bad habits in life,” I said to the vast nothingness next to me. “But if you could help me eliminate the big ones…the overindulgence in women and the drugs and let me finally have a family of my own I promise I will be the best damn family man you’ve ever created.

Snap.

“And I promise that I’m working on this cussing issue. It’s just fucking hard to quit.”

Snap.

“Son of a bitch!”

Sn—

The rubber band broke in half.

I decided not to read too much into that. Instead I started my car and took off.

I needed more clothes and a good night’s sleep.

A twenty-two hour flight to Japan loomed before me.

I just hoped I didn't have to sit next to Nick.

I was doing pretty well with my program, but forgiveness hadn't completely come to me yet.

Plus more than likely he was going to grab a camera and do something stupid.

I wanted to be a couple seats in front of him when that happened.

Chapter Five

Step 8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all

I survived the flight…minus getting a magazine flung at my head by Nick. After smacking his arm until he cried like a little girl, I found my inner calm and hunkered down next to Brian for the entire flight. I dozed off and on but it’s always been hard for me to fall into a deep sleep. Even though I’ve travelled around the world more times than I can count, I still have a hidden fear of crashing. I know that even if I’m awake when the plane goes down that I couldn’t really do anything, but it’s the thought itself that keeps me awake.

By the time our flight landed, I was stiff from sitting so long, hungry because the airplane food (even for first class) sucked, and desperate for a shower. My mouth felt rancid and dry and my beard itched me like crazy. I contemplated shaving it off. It wouldn’t be the first time that I randomly shaved some part of my head.

As I stood stretching and trying to get some circulation back into my extremities, Kevin took charge.

“"Alright. Addy and I will ride in the van with Howie and Leigh. Sam why don't you ride in the mid-size with Brian and crew? AJ and Nick you take the small car.”

"Wait," Nick said.

"Hey--" I argued.

No one paid any attention to me. They piled into the vehicles. I figured it wasn’t important enough to argue about. I wanted a shower and if that meant sitting next to Nick…well so be it.

As luck would have it, no sooner had we gotten on the road that we got caught in traffic.

"This is great. Just fucking great," I said. I pulled at the rubber band around my wrist and snapped it.

"What's that for?" Nick asked.

I looked at him.

"I'm trying to quit cussing."

"And that helps how?"

"Every time I cuss, I snap the rubber band. The stinging after-pain is a reminder for me to stop mouthing off."

"And why are you not cussing?"

"Maybe you forgot, but I have two kids coming," I said dryly. I was surprised Brooklyn’s first word hadn’t been ‘shit’ or ‘dude.’

"You can't tell me you're never going to cuss again," Nick said skeptically.

I felt a sudden pang in my heart. I looked down at my chipped black nails. I needed a pedicure badly.

"If Rochelle will talk to me again, I'll do anything."

"You love her a lot, don't you?" Nick asked quietly.

That was the biggest understatement I had ever heard. I looked over at him. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry. I didn’t want to even tear up. My sunglasses were in my bag in the trunk, completely out of reach.

"With all my heart. I wish I could take back all the stupid stuff I did, but I can't. I'm just working on being a better person for the future."

"If you could say anything to her right now, what would it be?"

I thought about that. There was so much left unspoken between us. I knew I couldn’t begin to cover it all.

"I'd let her know that I miss my monkee and I just want to go back to the way things were. I want to laugh again. I think we got so wrapped up in 'babies, babies, babies' that it took us away from 'us.' Now that we've got two on the way I'm excited, but I'm just as excited to get to know the real Ro again."

Nick smiled. “If it’s any help, I think it’s going to be okay.”

I smiled weakly. “You’re always the optimist.”

Secretly I admired that quality.

Nick snorted and said something stupid about the Bucs. We lapsed into silence. My hostility
towards Nick was disappearing a little. I was a slow thaw-er.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Once we arrived at the hotel, we all went our separate ways. Our bodies told us it was morning again but it was evening in Tokyo. That suited my needs. I showered and crawled into bed. We would be up early the next morning to do a complete run through. Then there was sound check, meet and greets, a backstage tour, and the concert. Then we’d go to sleep and do it all over again the next day…and the day after that.

I slept pretty well…except I had the strangest dream. I dreamt that someone was walking around my hotel room humming the theme from Mission Impossible. It was the weirdest dream I’ve had in a long time.

By the time I woke up it was eight a.m. I was pretty sure Kevin had said something about meeting down stairs for breakfast at nine. I powered on my cell phone and rubbed my eyes.

I was surprised to see that I had three phone messages. All were from Rochelle and all were within the last hour.

I had hesitated to call her and let her know that our flight arrived safely. I opted against it, half-scared that she was praying that the plane would crash. Seeing her name repeated there on my screen gave me a little more hope. I dialed home and leaned back into my pillows. I played with my chin stud, rotating it around my fingers.

“AJ?”

There was no hello, just my name, but it wasn’t my name spoken angrily. In fact it sounded like she had been crying.

“Ro, what’s wrong?”

“I got your e-mail.”

“My e-mail?”

She sniffled. “I…that was a beautiful poem.”

I slid out of bed and headed out into my entertainment lounge. My laptop was lying right where I had left it. I sat down and powered it on. Ro sounded too forgiving for me to screw up the moment.

“I miss you,” I said gently.

“I know. I saw the video. You really didn’t know Nick was taping?”

I was absolutely, positively confused. But I could honestly tell her I didn’t know Nick was taping. I wasn’t even sure what film she was talking about.

“I had no clue,” I said earnestly.

Ro sniffled again.

“J?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m going to go see that counselor.”

I waited for my e-mail to load. I smiled.

“Really?”

“Yeah. And when you get home…maybe we can go together.”

My hand tightened on the phone.

“I’d like that.”

Ro took a deep breath. “Okay, well…have a safe trip.”

“I will. Hey monkee?”

I thought I heard her sniffle again.

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

She blew her nose.

“Thank you, for that.”

I didn’t expect a love you back. That would have been way too much progress. But I took that thank you to heart.

“Bye, Ro.”

“Bye, J.”

I hung up and clicked on my sent mail folder. My eyes widened in surprise.

Sure enough. 'I' had sent an e-mail at two forty five in the morning. There was a really nice poem and a little explanation of a video clip that I had no clue Nick had taken. I downloaded the video. It was of the conversation I had with Nick in the car.

“Sonofabitch,” I muttered.

Snap.

I sat back in the chair thoughtfully. Maybe my weird dream hadn’t been a dream after all.

This has the work of Nick Carter written all over it.

And I owed him one.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others

I headed down to breakfast with my sunglasses on and a smile on my face. Everyone was seated at a long table. Bowls of steamed rice, miso soup, fish, pickled plums, and something with a leaf floating in it were laid out in the middle of the table.

Howie and Kevin were chowing down with gusto. Brian was eating politely. Nick was eating pop-tarts. I sat down in the empty chair next to him and pointed at the leafy something.

“What is that?”

“It’s called chawan-mushi,” Howie explained.

“It’s like a custard,” Kevin said.

I took a small helping of everything. Everyone broke into conversation but I ate quietly.

“What’s with the shades, J?” Kevin asked.

“I feel naked without them,” I said. Practically twenty years of my life had been spent behind the tinted lens. I really didn’t need them, but they were my signature item. It completed ‘the image.’

Kevin didn’t press and I didn’t offer any further explanation. After about an hour we all got up to head over to the arena. I pulled Nick back.

“I want to talk.”

Nick slid his hands in his pockets.

“Bout what?”

“You send that e-mail didn’t you?”

The one big thing about Nick is he’s the world’s worst secret keeper. I’m probably the second worst secret keeper, but Nick just sucks. He grinned and bounced on the balls of his feet.

“What e-mail?”

“Nick, don’t bullshit me.”

Snap.

“You’ve got to stop doing that,” Nick warned. “Or get some of those Silly Bandz. Those are more fun-ner.”

“Wait, this isn’t about rubber bands. This is about the e-mail. Why were you filming?”

Nick laughed.

“I tried out this small shirt cam of Sam’s and forgot to take it off. I just thought it was a good conversation.”

Nick frowned.

“Shit, I didn’t screw things up more, did I?”

Part of me really wanted to flip out on him and just make him feel like dirt. Unfortunately, I just couldn’t do that.

“No, I think…you might actually have helped. Ro called me this morning and we had a really good talk.”

Nick smiled. “I think marriage counselor’s my next profession.”

We started walking towards the lobby.

“Don’t press your luck, Nick.”

“Well, does this at least mean you forgive me?”

I sighed. It was hard to stay mad at someone who probably should be running around in a helmet at all times to guard against all the stupid stuff he did.

“I’m not mad at you.”

“So we’re Nizzle and Jizzle again?”

“We never stopped being Nizzle and Jizzle,” I explained.

Nick paused at the opened to the van door.

“If you replace the z’s in Nizzle you get nipple,” he said, his eyes sparkling. He got in and I climbed in after.

It was really scary that he reproduced. I just hoped that Liv’s influence would counteract all of the crazy flowing through those kids’ veins.

Of course the world wouldnt see true crazy until my kids were born.

And that was twelve short weeks away.

Chapter Six – April 6

Step 10 - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it

It's hard to believe, but I think going on tour was the best thing I could have done. The days didn't really seem to have a beginning or end; they just melted into each other.

The only moment that really stood out each day (besides all the dumb shit - snap - the other guys did) was when I talked to Ro. Somehow being separated by continents had actually released some of the tension between us. Well, that and Nick's little e-mail. I still owed him for that. Every day my monkee sounded happier and happier. We had even begun to laugh again.

Me and the guys were on the plane to Taipei and I was looking forward to a sightseeing day. Kevin and Nick were arguing about a bet they had made. If Nick stayed away from all fast food for a month, Kevin had to grow his hair out and bring the weave back. If Nick lost, he had to burn his signed Bucs jersey. He treated that thing like his third kid. All of us had been watching Nick like a hawk for a screw-up, but so far he hadn't done anything more but inhale deeply whenever any of us had fries. An hour ago Kevin had tried to sneak a fry into his breakfast sandwich, but Nick tore the thing apart before eating it and found it. His dedication was er, fudging, admirable. In fact, he was losing weight and adding muscle. I would never tell him this, but he was looking good.

We were about a half hour from landing when my cell phone rang. This in itself wasn't unusual but the caller was. It was my mom. She usually let me be the one to call because of the difference in time zones. This couldn't be good.

"Hi mom," I said. "What's--"

"Alex, you need to come home. Now."

My heart started to pound. I had been slumped down in my seat but I shot up fast.

"What's wrong?"

Now, I should mention that my mom is the
coolest person on the earth. I had only seen her freak out a couple times. The worst was when my grandma died. Her voice sounded the exact way it did then.

"I just got a call from Rochelle's mom. She's been in a car accident, honey. It...it was bad."

My blood ran cold. I heard a screaming in my ears. I didn't know if it was me actually screaming out loud or if it was just the pounding that had started in my entire body rampaging my eardrums.

My mom started to cry and I tried to speak through the closing of my throat.

"As soon as we land I'll get a plane out," I said. Mom didn't answer and I couldn't say anything else. I closed the phone.

Everyone was looking at me. I saw their mouths moving but I couldn't hear them.

Part of me hoped that mom was just exaggerating. Maybe she hadn't even seen Ro yet. For all I knew it could be a minor fender bender. Brian touched my arm but I didn't turn in his direction. I pressed Ro's speed dial and listened. I was positive she was going to pick up and we'd have a good laugh over our mothers' overreactions.

The phone rang and rang and rang. Finally it rolled over to her voicemail. I closed the phone. I felt like I was going to fucking throw up. I yanked off the rubber band. At that second it just seemed, well, stupid.

"AJ? AJ, talk to me."

I blinked slowly. Nick was hovering over Brian waving her hand in my face.

"What's going on?"

"I need to go home. Ro's....been in an accident. It's...bad."

--------------------------------------

"You don't have to do this."

"Bullshit. You're not flying back alone."

"You should wait with the others."

"Why? I don't have anyone with me but me, myself, and I. It's your lucky day that they had two seats left. One for you, one for me."

Nick insisted on flying back with me. We got the last two seats on the next immediate flight out of Taipei. We were going to have a shitload of transfers and it was going to take twenty eight hours to get back home. Every second was pure torture. I just needed to keep going East to get home as soon as possible. Howie, Kevin, and Brian decided to stay and take care of Backstreet shit that needed to be handled and then take a flight home the next day.

As much as I had argued with Nick about coming with me, I was grateful he had. He didn't say much but every now and then he'd squeeze my arm and it brought me back to sanity if only for a little while.

I didn't hear from my mom again for about nine hours. We had already switched planes once and we were currently departing from Pakistan to France. From France we would have a direct flight to Tampa.

I heard my mom crying the moment I connected.

"Mom?" I said. I began to cry openly. The fear of the unknown had finally got to me. Somehow the sound of my crying allowed her voice to return. This time she was able to give me more detail.

"Alex," she said shakily. "Ro was in a head-on collision on the way to her doctor's appointment."

I inhaled; my lungs hurt from the sharp intake of breath.

"Is she---Is she--," I choked. I couldn't bring myself to say it.

"She's alive. There was...a lot of trauma. They've put her into a medically induced coma."

I pressed my hand hard against the side of my face. A thousand horrific images flew through my mind.

"What about the babies?"

My mom began to cry again. I ground my knuckles into the flesh on my cheek.

"They had to do an emergency c-section."

My brain seemed to black out for a second. Ro still had nine weeks to go. The thought of delivering the babies now was...unimaginable. Nick was holding onto my arm but I barely felt his fingers.

Ro and I had decided back when we first started trying that we didn't want to know what we were having until delivery. Now I didn't know whether to grieve over sons, daughters, or one of each.

"Alex? Alex? Alex did you hear me?"

Mom was frantically calling my name. I could only assume she had told me something else. I hadn't heard a word.

"Wh--What?"

"Did you hear me? They're both extremely tiny but they're alive. They're alive."

"I---I---really? I--what do I have?" My voice was barely a whisper.

"Your daughter was born first, weighing two pounds, one ounce. Your son came seconds later. He weighs one pound, fifteen ounces."

I couldn't wrap my brain around it. That's usually the weights I look for when buying chicken. Babies shouldn't be that small.

There was some static on mom's end.

"Alex, I have to go. I'll call you if there's any change....any change for the worst."

I barely remember mumbling an 'I Love You.' The phone dropped from my hands; I looked at Nick. He seemed to be waiting for me to say something. Where could I begin? How could I even put into words everything running through my mind?

"I...I have babies," I croaked.

Then I lost it.

--------------------------------------------------

By the time we landed and Nick hailed a taxi to the hospital, I had no concept of date or time. Nick had the taxi drop me off at the entrance of the hospital before taking him home. I remember him saying something to me, but I didn't comprehend. I got out of the taxi quickly and raced into the lobby.

Mom was waiting for me. I had called her the second we landed. She didn't update me on anyone's status and I couldn't tell if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

Mom looked like she hadn't slept in years. I had a feeling I looked the same way. She wrapped her arms around me and I don't think I've ever needed a hug so much in my entire life.

"Drunk driver," she explained on the way to the elevator. "Ro didn't stand a chance. It's just a good thing her doctor's office is so close to the hospital. Ro's mom called me as soon as she found out and we met over here."

"Was she conscious at all?" I asked. I had gone from freak out mode to nerves of steel mode. Or at least I hoped I had.

"No, she was unconscious upon arrival. The doctor will explain it better than I can, but she's had some bleeding in the brain so they induced the coma to get her through the swelling."

We rode up the elevator in silence.

"She's in the ICU," mom explained.

I met Ro's mom at the entrance to the ICU. She hugged me tightly. I figured that Ro had probably told her what I had done, but she didn't say anything. Of course at times like these who really thinks about those things?

"The doctor's in with her," Ro's mom explained. She squeezed my hand and I went through the doors.

I hate hospitals. The moment I walk into them I want to turn around and walk out. I only have bad memories of hospitals. Of course this trumps anything I've ever experienced in the hospital before. The site of Ro connected to machines, tubes, monitors...it was all too much. Nerves of steel, my ass.

"You must be Alex," the doctor said quietly. It was almost like we were already talking at her funeral.
"Is she going to make it?"

"Well, there's been a lot of trauma and--"

"Cut the crap. Is she going to make it?"

I didn't care about the medical mumbo-jumbo or the time tables or statistics. I'm a 'yes' or 'no' type guy.

The doctor studied my face and turned to look at Ro. My poor monkee looked so tiny there in bed, her head wrapped up like she was wearing a turban.

"I'm not going to lie to you. I don't want to answer that question for another 24 hours," he said. "Until we know the brain swelling's going down and there's no signs of heavy internal bleeding."

I brushed past him and sank down by the bed. I took her hand in mine and glanced at the doctor.

"I'll talk to you in 24 hours then," I said.

Once the doctor left I sat there taking inventory of every visible inch of Ro’s face and arms. She was bruised practically beyond recognition. A tear dripped down my face and landed on her hand I held tightly in my own.

“You’re not going to leave me,” I whispered. “I’m not letting you go.”

I knew she couldn’t respond, but I have a strong belief that she could hear me. After another few minutes I leaned over and kissed her cheek.

“I’m going to go check on our babies,” I told her. “I heard we got a nice set; a little boy and a little girl. But I’ll be back.”

It was hell turning my back on her and walking out the door, but there were two other lives that I needed to check on.

I was terrified at what I would find.

Chapter Seven

Step 11 - Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out

Both my mom and Rochelle’s mom took me to the NICU. I hadn’t paid attention when Nick had mentioned the short time Noah had been in the NICU. He hadn’t been there long and Nick was so perpetually happy…

I will never forget the moment I walked into the NICU. One of the nurses came and squeezed my hand. She had a smile on her face. I didn’t know how she could be so happy. Surely all of the babies in the NICU weren’t guaranteed to survive, including my two. Surrounded by the possibility of death day after day how could someone keep hope?

“We have your little ones in the bay with a window view,” the nurse said sweetly.

I was handed scrubs, booties for my shoes, and gloves. I didn’t realize until I tried to pull on the gloves how hard my hands were shaking. My world had been turned upside down and I felt like I was drowning fast.

By the time I approached the bins I was sweating profusely.

“They’re both on oxygen and feeding tubes,” the nurse explained from behind me. “We put them in together. Studies show that if twins can be kept together to cuddle that they do better than if we separate them. The probes on their chest are monitoring their heart rate and breathing.”

She kept explaining but I stopped hearing.

“Oh my god,” I whispered.

For over a year the idea of a baby had been something that sounded good but it never seemed like it would be reality. As I knelt down next to the isolette something happened that I will never be able to explain. It was as if they had been with me all my life.

Both had a smattering of dark hair. They were just barely longer than a standard ruler.

They were perfect to me.

“We’ve been waiting for you , AJ.”

I looked up to see Dr. Tresher standing there, clipboard in hand. I stood slowly.

“I am so sorry about what happened to Ro,” she said. “I know this is a lot to handle.”

I nodded. I didn’t know what I could say. Dr. Tresher put a hand on the isolette. Her forehead creased. I knew for a fact that the look could only mean more bad news.

“Now, baby girl McLean’s doing well,” she said softly. “Her breathing monitor’s only gone off once and that was just because it was knocked off.”

I glanced back down at the isolette.

“And my son?”

“The breathing alarm’s been going off almost every hour. He has several lung problems. We’ve begun treatment but his small size even for his gestational age is concerning. I want to air on the side of caution and tell you that there’s a chance he might not make it.”

As if on cue, a monitor started to go off. I stumbled back. Two nurses ran over to help Dr. Tresher while I stood there helpless. I closed my eyes.

Two out of my three family members’ lives were now being monitored in minutes and hours.

I walked out of the NICU and threw up.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

“Alex, honey, you need to sleep.”

“No, it’s been almost twenty-four hours. The doctor should be here soon.”

I was sitting by Ro’s bed. My mom had snuck in to try to get me to stop my pacing, but I wasn’t going anywhere. Every hour I went from Ro’s bedside to the NICU and then back again. I had walked those hallways almost two dozen times. Nurses came and went but no one was able to give me an update.

I didn’t know what was worse. When I was by Ro’s side, I was bombarded with monitors constantly keeping a steady beat. Then when I went to the NICU, more often than not a monitor went off and I braced myself to hear that we had lost our son. So far that hadn’t happened.

Two hours and another trip to the NICU and back brought me to Ro’s side again. Just as I was about ready to go personally hunt down the doctor I had spoken to yesterday, he came up to Ro’s bed. We shared a look.

“There’s no sign of any more cranial bleeding. There’s still some swelling and I want to keep her in the coma for another twenty four hours,” the doctor explained. He pulled up a stool.

“Now are you ready to hear the whole rundown?”

I glanced at Ro.

“One more question. Is she aware that she had the babies?”

The doctor shook his head. “No. And unfortunately…we had to do a complete hysterectomy. There was internal damage to the uterus as a result of the impact and so we had to do the c-section not only to save Rochelle but also to give the babies a chance of survival. There was a lot of hemorrhaging and she required two blood transfusions.”

I exhaled heavily. I knew Ro wasn’t going to take any of this information well.

“She also has two broken ribs and a collapsed lung. Both of which were the least of our concerns but we have addressed them.”

“Do you have any good news?” I said after a moment. The doctor smiled softly and patted my knee.

“The good news is that you have three family members that are quite the fighters. They’ve been through a terrible ordeal. I’ve seen this play out before in a much different way. Someone’s watching out for you.”

He stood up. “I’ll be back around at the end of my shift unless something changes.”

I watched him walk away. I turned back to Rochelle. Folding my hands together, I bowed my head and said a prayer. I knew who was watching out for us.

He had been there all along.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Two more days passed in which my son continued his battle to stay alive. Finally at the end of the third day Dr. Tresher knelt down beside me.

“He had a great day. He’s responding well to the steroids. I won’t do the Macarena yet, but I’ve seen enough cases to know that he’s turning the corner.”

I smiled. It felt like such a foreign action. Dr. Tresher gave me a hug.

“Maybe if Ro’s up to it, you guys can give these two names in the next day or so,” she suggested. She walked off and I headed to the ICU. I’d been waiting to deliver some good news.

Ro had been taken out of the induced coma after another twenty four hours. It took her another twelve to come around. She had looked so happy to see me even though I had burst into tears when I saw her eyes flutter open.

I held onto her hand as if I was afraid that by dropping it she’d somehow slip away again. I was still holding her hand when the doctor told her about her cranial bleeding, her ribs and her punctured lungs. She took it all with a grain of salt. Her big concern was her babies.

“They’re beautiful. Small, but beautiful,” I had told her. Luckily I was at the NICU when Dr. Tresher told Rochelle about our boy’s lung problems and the hysterectomy. Unfortunately, by the time I came back, Ro was shutting down again.

I was hoping a little good news would bring her out of that funk. I walked into the ICU. There was a lunch tray but she hadn’t touched a thing. I picked up a spoon and poked at the jello.

“It’s alive,” I said. She didn’t answer. I set the spoon down and smiled.

“I have good news,” I said gently. She looked at me.

“The steroids are working. Lung function is getting better.”

Ro’s eyes glistened. Her hand drifted to her stomach as if on reflex. I took out my phone.

“I took a picture for you.”

I held up the phone to Ro’s face. Her eyes devoured my screen hungrily.

“Oh my god,” she whispered. She lifted her hand and touched the screen. She was memorizing every detail.

“They have more hair than me,” I teased. Ro gave me a small smile. Then as soon as it came, it was gone.

“Is it all really going to be okay?” she asked uncertainly. I sank down next to the bed.

“Without a doubt,” I said with more conviction than I thought I had in me. “But there is one thing we need to do.”

“What?”

“We need to name them,” I said.

Ro’s eyes went back to the screen.

“I’ve known since the beginning what I wanted to name our baby if it was a girl,” she said quietly. “Alexis.”

I looked at her in surprise. “Alexis?”

Ro nodded. “There’s not another name in the world I want.”

I smiled. “Then Alexis it is.”

Ro looked at me. “You pick her middle name.”

I opened my mouth and then closed it. I was fine with Ro picking names. Choosing names was a big deal. Our kids would walk around with these names the rest of their lives. Of course, if they were like me, eventually they’d have about fifteen different versions of their name to go by. I closed my eyes and paused for a beat.

“Faith,” I finally said. “Alexis Faith.”

Ro smiled. “That’s fitting.”

She looked back at the phone. Finally she looked at me.

“AJ, I don’t know what to name him.”

I crawled up on her bedside and took a look at the picture. I used to tease Ro about all the crazy names I’d choose if we had a boy. Like Ish. But with all he’d been through in the past three days, that just didn’t seem right. And then it came to me.

“Jonah,” I said quietly. “He’s fought hard for the past three days for life. Just like Jonah was three days and three nights in the belly of the whale.”

Reva’s biblical influence was finally paying off.

“I love it,” Ro said. I stared at his little face.

“Jonah Adolph,” I said. “After my grandpa.”

Ro actually laughed softly. I looked at her in confusion.

“Something tells me he’s going to grow up to be called JAM – Jonah Adolph McLean.”

I grinned. Somehow I could so seeing Jizzle’s son being called Jam.

Chapter Eight - April 30

Step Twelve - Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principals in all our affairs.

There comes a point when you visit the hospital so regularly that it becomes a second home. Not the type of home that you want to walk in, curl up on the couch, and watch TV. It's more like the type of home where you count the days until you can move.

Alexis and Jonah were doing better each and every day. I attribute part of that improvement to the fact that Ro was finally able to go and see them. When I would wheel her into the NICU, the whole vibe of the room would change. When she looked at them she radiated a love that I can't even describe.

Both Ro and I had the opportunity to hold them the other day. It's not the first time I've held a baby, but there is no comparison to holding your own child, especially one so small. Alexis fit practically in the palm of my hand. I could feel her heart beating as if only a thin sheet of onion skin paper was holding it inside. Her black hair was spiking out. She already looked like a punk rocker in the making.

There was a special bond between Jonah and Ro that I couldn't place. That's not to say she didn't love them both equally, but when she held Jonah it was like they were sharing something that only they could understand. Maybe it was the fact that both of them had been on the verge of death, I don't know. All I knew was that she would whisper to him and cuddle him and he would suddenly seem stronger as if she had blown a little more willpower into him.

It came as a surprise to both of us when the doctor walked in this morning and announced that Ro could go home.

"What about the babies?" Ro asked.

"They need more time."

I secretly had begun to hate that word. Time. It didn't move fast enough.

"You can recooperate in your bed at home just as well as you can here," the doctor said gently.

"But she can't get here everyday to visit the NICU," I said. I wanted her home so badly it hurt, but I knew where her priorities were.

"Honestly, we have no reason to keep her," the doctor explained. I was pretty sure that was lingo for 'we're short on beds.'

After a two-hour visit in the NICU, Ro had no choice but to let me take her home. She could stand, but not for long. Her bruises were fading to that sickly yellowish color and every now and then she'd wince in pain when she moved wrong.

I had moved back home (with Ro's permission), in the last week. The first thing I had to deal with were messages on the answering machine from the county prosecutor and the police. The drunk driver, 22 year-old Trace McTosh, had walked away without a scratch from the collison. In between hospital visits, I had been at the police station to pass along medical reports and to give any other information I possibly could while they investigated the case. At the moment, I was grateful to have my family alive. I just hoped that whatever sentence Trace was given included an alcohol program.

The first night I had gone back to the house, the wine cabinet had fallen victim to all of the stress, pain, and anger that was bottled up inside me. I had flung bottles against the wall, poured the liquor down the sink, cursed into the air until my throat ached, and smashed the cabinet until it was nothing but small splinters. I knew I could never look at alcohol again without picturing Ro lying in that hospital bed. I couldn't escape from the 'that could have been me' reality of the situation. When mom had come in the next morning, I was sleeping by the mess I made. She didn't say anything, just quietly helped me clean it up and then gave me a needed hug.

A few days ago, both my mom and Ro's mom had gone back home. With Ro on the mend, both had jobs to get back to. Ro was completely dependant on me and that thought hung heavy in my mind as I helped her into the house. I had turned my game room, aka my 'man cave,' into a bedroom downstairs. The bathroom was straight across the hall, just a slow shuffle away. She looked around at the walls - the dart board, the poster of the model draped over a Harley, and my giant moose ass. She smiled.

"Quite a bedroom," she said. "Where'd you put the pool table?"

"Basement," I said.

Ro sighed and closed her eyes. Her lips barely moved, every now and then her words still became mumbled.

"Promise me you'll go see them everyday and report back to me, okay?"

Her mind was back at the NICU. I sank down on the bed and took her hand.

"You don't even have to ask. Of course I will. Is there anything I can get you?"

She shook her head 'no.' I sat with her until she faded off to sleep. The painkillers she was taking made her fall asleep at the drop of a hat. I watched her sleep for a half hour and then got up and headed upstairs.

When I had strolled through the empty house, one of the other things I had noticed (besides the wine cabinet)was the half-finished nursery. Only the trim had been painted and the carpet laid. After the long days spent at the hospital, I was plagued with insomnia. I had taken it upon myself to finish painting and assembling all the furniture. Each day I'd work until I was so exhausted that my mind forced me to shut down. Today I walked in and surveyed my progress. It was almost done. The walls were painted a light yellow with brown trim. I had found two wall decals in the shape of huge palm trees that I slapped on the wall. With white paint I wrote Alexis and Jonah's names down the trunk. The rest of the room can only be described as wall to wall monkeys.

Today I plopped myself down and began to assemble the cribs. Let me tell you - the mo-fo's that write assembly instructions can kiss my white ass. Unless you're Einstein or Chinese you aren't going to figure them out. Luckily, I'm pretty good at sticking screws in holes so I finally tossed the instructions and just began to build. By the time I had the first crib done I was sweating profusely but feeling pretty good.

I took a break to wash my face and pits. I checked in on Ro. She was staring at her phone. More than likely it was the picture of the twins.

"You want something to eat?" I asked. She looked up surprised. I smiled.

"Anything you want. No hospital food."

Ro thought a moment.

"Ice cream?"

I would have gone to the North Pole and back for ice cream if I needed to. Luckily a run to the quick mart was enough. I came back with three different flavors and made an ice cream sundae that seriously could put Dairy Queen out of business. Ro's eyes widened when I walked into the room.

"What's that?"

"A sundae," I said. I set down the tray.

"For who? The jolly green giant?"

I laughed and brought out two spoons.

"I'll help you."

We dug in. At first we just ate quietly, enjoying the cold sugary sweetness of the ice cream. After awhile, Ro paused.

"J?"

"Yeah?"

"I just want to tell you how sorry I am."

I looked at her in surprise. "What do you mean?"

She dipped just the tip of her spoon in the ice cream and then brought it to her mouth.

"I wasn't fair to you. I know I said you were crazy, but I did push you away through all this."

I sighed. "That's in the past; don't worry about it."

Ro shook her head. "I'm worrying about it. You've groveled and apologized for what you did. Now it's my turn."

I smiled. "Apology accepted."

We looked at each other and I had the strangest flashback to our wedding day. Our first year of marriage had been no less than a trip through Dante's Inferno. Now with everything that had happened since, I felt like we were finally getting a second chance.

"I love you skulleez," Ro said lightly. My heart tripped over itself.

"I love you too monkee."

I leaned down and kissed her. The return kiss brought back all the reasons why I had fallen in love with her in the first place.

And now I was falling all over again.

Chapter Nine - May 13

As the weeks passed, the conversations Ro and I had about the twins centered more around what we were going to do when they came home rather than life in the NICU. Dr. Tresher had told me just the day before that improvement was leading towards a release in less than two weeks.

Yesterday was also the day that I showed Ro the nursery. She was insistant on climbing the stairs. Her eyes filled with tears as I opened the door.

"It's better than what you described," she said quietly as she looked around. "This is fucking sweet."

I had laughed and held her close, enjoying the fact that 'fucking' was as much a staple in her vocabulary as it was in mine. My days of rubber band snapping were gone. I couldn't change who I was that drastically. That was like telling Homer Simpson to become Ned Flanders. Doh!

This morning, I woke up early with a goal in mind. It was Mother's Day; more specifically it was Ro's first Mother's Day.

Before I left, I checked in on her. She was sound asleep. For the past few days she had been able to get up and watch TV while I went to the hospital for my daily visit. I didn't have any qualms about leaving this morning; I had a few surprises to pick up.

My first stop was to the local florist. I looked around and finally chose a large bouquet of red roses wrapped in translucent black wrap with silver hearts. Afterwards, I stopped by the antique pawn shop. Like me, Ro was into the outrageous and the unusual. On a search to find the perfect outrageous and unusual gift, I had spotted an old oval locket with a rose clasp in the window a week ago that someone had pawned. I had called just yesterday and for once my luck was running high. The person hadn't come to pick it up and it was officially for sale. I had told the shop owner to hold it for me.

The door chimed above my head as I walked in. The shop owner smiled, reached down and held up the locket.

"It's been waiting for you," he said. I smiled and reached into my back pocket for my wallet. I always try to hide the amount of cash and credit cards I carry, but this guy was quick. When he rang up the total, it was twenty dollars higher than he quoted me the first time. Still, I didn't argue. I paid the man, took the necklace and headed out of the shop.

I sat in the car for a few minutes looking the piece over. It would fit in perfect with all of Ro's goth wardrobe. She was a hot goth mommy. I slid my nail into the clasp and worked the locket open. Two empty windows stared back at me. With a smile I opened the glove box and took out a little baggy.

With the help of one of the nurses, I had snipped a teeny tiny piece of hair off of each babies' head. I put Alexis' strand on the left and Jonah's on the right. I couldn't wait to see the look on Ro's face when she opened it.

My last stop was her favorite bagel shop for some bagels and blueberry cream cheese. The only thing that would have made the day any better was if I could have snuck the babies home. I guess three out of four isn't bad.

Anticipating a lot of brownie points, I parked in the drive and got all of my goodies. It was a bit of a juggle, bit I didn't care. I had looped the locket through the roses. I unlocked the door and headed in.

It was completely quiet. Assuming that Ro was still in bed, I snuck down the hall. Slowly I pushed open the door.

"Happy Mother's Day!" I called out.

The room was empty.

The combination of a quiet house and an empty bed raised a red alert. I turned around and headed back out to the living room. Empty.

I walked through the living room and into the kitchen.

The roses fell to the floor.

Ro was lying motionless on the kitchen floor. A bottle of aspirin was laying on its side; the pills rolled out along the counter and onto the floor. A water glass was shattered on the floor; pieces of glass floated in the liquid.

Deep down, even before I reached for the phone and the 911 operator instructed me to check for a pulse, I knew Ro was dead. The instant my fingers touched her neck I knew that no life was left in her body.

I have no recollection of what happened after I touched her. My mom tells me that when the paramedics arrived, they found me holding Ro in my arms and screaming.

The doctors tried to piece together the probable events of the morning while I was gone. The best guess was that Ro had woken up in the morning with a headache. When she called for me and I didn't answer she had gotten out of bed and went to the kitchen for an aspirin. She had filled a glass of water, opened the bottle and then...

A spontaneous brain hemorrhage had taken her almost instantly. The doctors told me several times that, even if I had been home, that things probably wouldn't have turned out differently.

The word 'probably' will haunt me for the rest of my fucking life.

There's something to be said about the incredible power of denial. And sedatives. Nothing in the days following Ro's death are defined in sharp detail. I didn't even know until much later that Alexis had come down with pneumonia. It was my mom who had begged the doctors for something to numb my pain; nothing would ever take the pain completely away.

I vaguely remember sitting in the living room the day before the viewing and funeral. Ro's mom was upstairs picking out something for Ro to wear. My mom sat on the couch beside me, holding tight to my hand. A thick strand of gold flashed by my eyes.

"Found this on the floor," I heard her say.

It's amazing what one little thing will do to get you to come crashing back down. I wrapped my fingers around the chain. It seemed like I hadn't spoken for days...maybe I hadn't. I touched the locket and it seemed like the most important thing in the world.

"Shenethi." My words were slurred and jumbled. I licked my lips and tried again. "She needs this."

"You want Ro to have this?" she repeated. I nodded. I had failed her. The least I could do was give her a little piece of our children to be with her...always.

Most people say that the day of the viewing is almost harder than the funeral. That couldn't have been farther from the truth for me. The family was allowed in an hour early and the moment I saw her lying there I just wanted to stand and look at her forever. The sedatives were tricking my mind. She wasn't dead. She was Snow White and she had accidentally taken a bite out of a poison apple. I could wake her up. I leaned down and kissed her cheek. There was none of the fresh flush she would get when I did that; no blood bringing the face to life, only makeup to give the pseudoappearance of life.

I don't think I moved from the side of her casket the entire day. Every now and then I would touch her fingers or the locket and pray for those pretty eyes to flutter open. If they did, I'm sure she would smile, give me the finger and begin to talk about how fucking stupid I was to fall for such a prank.

But that never happened.

All of the guys and their girls came, but their faces swam together; I can't tell you who came first or if they all came together. Each time I received the required hug for the mourner and those empty words about her being in peace.

I know it's selfish, but I didn't want Ro to be in peace. I'd rather have her down here on earth in pain than far away where I couldn't talk to her again. I needed her. How was I going to explain to two kids that they coudn't get hugs and kisses from their mommy? How the hell was I going to raise two kids by myself?

At the end of the day, after everyone went home, I'm told that they practically had to drag me out of the viewing room. I don't remember fighting anyone or causing a fuss. I just knew that I didn't want to leave her.

The next day I pretended to take the sedatives, but I spit them out in the sink as soon as possible. For some reason during the course of the night I had decided it was fitting punishment to myself to feel as much pain as possible. I was still half in a daze at the funeral itself. My eyes didn't leave the open casket. I was memorizing every strand of black hair and the angle of her nose...the way her bottom lip stuck out just barely in a permanent pout that I had wanted to devour every time I kissed her...

What I was fully aware of, in mind, body, and spirit was first, when they closed the lid of the casket and second, the actual graveside burial. I felt, really felt, the hot tears stream down my face at the realization that I was never going to see her face again. I slid off the pew at the church and buried my face in my hands. I was still bawling after everyone filed into their cars. If it wasn't for my mom and Reva (who I hadn't realized had even shown up), I'd probably still be on the hard floor. I cried all the way to the gravesite.

These days, the common thing to do for graveside services is that the pries will say a few words and then everyone will leave before they lower the casket in the ground. It's almost like the only purpose for the graveside part is so everyone can see where the person's buried if they choose to come back later. That's not what I wanted. After the priest said his words and people started to head towards the car, my mom touched my hand.

"Alex..."

"I'm staying."

"What?"

"I'm watching."

Mom started to argue with me on my right, but on my left I felt a warm hand. For one insane moment I thought it might have been Ro's ghost coming to stay with me for all eternity. I could live with that. Ro in ghost form was better than no Ro at all.

Except the hand belonged to Reva. She handed me a flower from one of the arrangements.

"We both throw a flower and some dirt," she declared. I nodded. Reva knew what I was talking about.

With my eyes trained on the earth below the men worked to lower the casket the requiste six feet under. They paused respectfully as I knelt down and grabbed a handful of black earth. I closed my eyes.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered. "It shouldn't have been this way. I was never cut out to be a husband." My voice broke. "I failed you."

I let the dirt slide through my fingers down onto the mahogany casket below. To my right Reva was doing the same. When the last bit had sailed from my fingers, I let the flower drop down as well. Two flowers landed at almost the same time. Reva's hand took mine. I felt my mom's hand on my back.

It was a beautiful sunny day; but in my heart black storm clouds were rolling in for a long stay.

Chapter Ten - May 27

And have you seen my faith?
It can run, it can hide
Jesus mend this breaking heart of mine

In the two weeks since Ro's death, I fell into a deep dark place in myself that I didn't even know existed. I spent my days in bed, holding Ro's pillow to my chest. If I closed my eyes tight enough and inhaled just right, I could still smell her. It was those rare moments when the pain didn't seem to hurt so bad.

My mom called me every day and she repeated the same questions: How are you doing? Can I bring you anything? Did you see the babies today? And every day the answers were the same: fine (even though I wasn't), no (unless she could bring Ro back I needed nothing), and yes (even though I hadn't).

The guys were persistant in calling too. They asked almost the same questions as mom and I answered the questions the exact same. This happened for the first week.

The second week I stopped answering the phone.

I was lying in bed on the Sunday two weeks after I found Ro dead on the kitchen floor. I was trying to replay the scene in my head, except this time I would have been home to save her. My breathing came out in sharp gasps as I pictured my arms around her. I ached to hold her in my arms.

I was so engrossed in trying to enter my alternate reality that I didn't hear my front door being kicked in nor did I hear the four sets of footsteps on the stairs. Only when Kevin rammed in my bedroom door did reality come crashing back.

All four of them stood in the doorway looking at me. Kevin was first. He stood there rubbing his shoulder; that bullish shoulder of his had knocked down way too many doors in my life. Howie and Brian stood behind him, concern written all over their faces. Nick brought up the back of the pack, towering over Howie and Nick.

"Get up," Nick said. I just rolled over and put the covers over my head. They were pulled back.

"Get up," Kevin said.

I wasn't going to listen. I had rolled over to Ro's side of the bed. I pressed my face down deep in the mattress. If I held my head down just long enough, maybe...

The next thing I felt were four sets of strong hands grabbing me at my shoulders and legs. Even then I didn't struggle. They lifted me off the bed. I kept my eyes closed.

"AJ, you're not going to lay here until you die," Kevin said. I opened my eye just a crack. The ground was moving underneath me. They were carrying me like I was the main dish at a fucking pig roast. All they needed to do was stick an apple in my damn mouth.

I ended up being tossed in the shower and the cold water cranked up to the point where my gonads disappeared somewhere within me to escape hypothermia. Kevin stepped into the shower and stood right in front of me like he was sitting underneath a comfortable warm spray.

"Talk to us," he pleaded.

"I don't have anything to talk about," I said, shivering.

"You can't just lay here. Your mom says you haven't been to the hospital in two weeks."

I winced. I knew that lie would catch up with me sooner or later.

"Don't you want to go see your babies?"

I stared at him. The other guys were watching me for a reaction. I didn't know how to explain it. I hated not visiting Jonah and Alexis. Mom had even told me the very last time I talked to her that Alexis had fought off pneumonia since the last time I had seen her. And still I didn't go. In my mind, I felt that if I reached out that God would take them too.

Without me around, they had a chance of life.

"We'd like to take you to go see them," Brian said. I looked over at him.

"Why'd you fly all the way here?"

Bri grinned. "I just fancied a flight to Tampa this morning."

"No, I told him that we needed some more muscle to get your ass up," Nick said. He grabbed the spray nozzle and aimed the harsh cold spray right up my nose. I slammed back against the wall, shaking my head. I glared up at him furiously.

"What? Didn't like that?"

He aimed again; I grabbed his wrist and twisted. Kevin just stood there. I managed to grab the hose and aimed it right at Nick. He yelped and jumped out of the tub.

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" I cried. I dropped the nozzle. I was angry...so fucking angry. I don't think all that anger was at Nick. It was anger that had been brewing for two weeks. I was angry at life. I let out a scream and with my hand clenched in a tight fist I turned around and punched the shower wall for all it's worth. It felt good. I punched it again. Before I could punch it a third time, Kevin took gently took my wrist.

"I wanted some emotion, but I don't want a broken hand," he said. I took a deep shuddery breath and he let my arm drop.

"Now," Howie said. "Why don't you get in some dry clothes?"

I looked at him. "Why?"

"Because they won't let you in the hospital looking like that."

---------------------------------------

If I could reach the sky
I'd try to turn the world around
So that we could see the face of forever
Stay alive

It didn't matter that it had been two weeks since I had seen the inside of the hospital. Nothing ever changed. The only thing different was that I was currently flanked by four of my closest friends. Nick and Howie walked on my left; Kevin and Brian on my right.

"We're going to wait right here," Nick said as we stopped outside the NICU. I saw him look in at all the incubators. He was probably thinking about Jonah. I put my hand on the door and paused.

"Trust us J," Bri said quietly. "You need to do this."

I swallowed the lump in my throat and opened the door. I grabbed a pair of scrubs and booties and put them on.

"Good to see you, Mr. McLean," a nurse said. She was walking by with a loud little baby with tons of black hair.

"Thank you," I said quietly.

"I'm so sorry for your loss," she added. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck bristle. She patted the baby on the back.

All I could do was nod. I began to walk off.

"Mr. McLean?"

I turned. I felt like I was wasting time. The nurse jostled the baby in her arm.

"Do you want to hold Jonah? I was just going to sit down and feed him."

I froze and stared closer at the baby in her arms. I didn't recognize him without the oxygen tubes and monitors.

"That's---That's."

"He's had an amazing couple weeks," the nurse said.

The bottoms of my feet felt numb. I walked over and she slowly transferred him into my eyes. I looked down.

He was still small but there was a strength in his whole body that I hadn't seen before. His warm brown eyes stared up at me as his cries turned to whimpers.

"You can sit right here," the nurse said. I sank down into the rocking chair. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. I took the bottle and slowly pressed it against his lips. He took it and I felt a warm tear slip down my cheek.

"No more feeding tube," the nurse confirmed as she stood behind the chair. "He's got a great sucking reflex."

I don't know how long it took for Jonah to finish the bottle. Each time the milk went down in the bottle I felt a rush. When he was finally done I lifted the bottle.

"He'll need burped."

I held him awkwardly. I didn't know what to do. There wasn't a manual. And even if there was, it probably would have been written in Chinese.

"Like this," the nurse said kindly. She brought him up and demonstrated patting him on the back. When I mimicked the action and he burped, I felt for the first time in weeks that I had done something right.

It was a weird feeling. Part of me felt like I didn't deserve feeling good and I felt the familiar feeling of guilt creep back in. I handed him back to the nurse.

"Where's Alexis?"

"I already fed her. She had a rough ten days with the pneumonia. I was actually more worried about her than I was with Jonah there for awhile."

I stood up and headed in the direction the nurse pointed me. Alexis was hooked up to a couple of monitors but even she didn't have the bulk of tubes that she once did. She wasn't even in an incubator.

"We're at the point where fresh air is good for them," the nurse said as she put Noah right next to her. She attached a couple of monitors. He flailed angrily. I stroked Alexis' head and reached over and did the same to Jonah.

As I looked down at them I started to cry.

Alexis looked so much like Ro; more than I remembered. For a long while she slept peacefully and I couldn't help but lament that she wouldn't even know that I had visited. Yet, as I stood to go she woke up with a cry.

As the stronger of the two babies (at least before the pneumonia), I had almost memorized her cry. I stared down at her in confusion. The two nurses in the room were occupied with a couple other babies. I picked her up and rocking her gently.

"Shhh," I said. "Shhhh."

"She okay?"

The same nurse that had helped me feed Jonah was at my side. I nodded and then paused.

"Her...her cry sounds different. Different than I remember."

The nurse smiled and touched my arm.

"That's normal. Sometimes an illness can change the cry a little."

I looked back down. Alexis' eyes were wide open and she was staring up at me intently. Her face overwhelmed me. I didn't want to leave it.

"When can they come home?" I asked.

The nurse looked confused.

"Oh, I thought Mrs. Karidis was taking them home tomorrow."

I looked up.

"My wife's dead."

The nurse blinked rapidly. "I...I meant your wife's mother. Didn't...didn't you know Mr. McLean?"

A rapid rush of blood flew through my body.

"No, I wasn't aware," I said. "I think there's a mistake. If they're being released tomorrow I'm taking them home."

The nurse nodded. She looked like she wanted to eat her hospital booties. "I'll call Dr. Tresher and let her know."

As the nurse walked off, I looked down at Alexis.

I didn't know what had transpired in the last two weeks.

But I didn't like it.

Chapter Eleven

"You're in no state of mind to care for two babies that need around the clock care, AJ," Ro's mom said calmly.

"You have no right to tell me what I can and cannot do for my children," I said acidicly.

I was sitting in the living room. Kevin, Brian, Nick, and Howie were sprawled on my sofas and on the floor. I was grateful for the support. I had lost it when I had walked out of the NICU. I don't think the nurses had ever heard so many curse words come from one person.

"Alex," she said hesitantly. "With all the problems you've had lately, I think you'd be grateful. Plus, in the last two weeks you've practically abandoned Alexis and Jonah."

My stomach did a flip-flop. If there was one word I hated in the English language, it was abandon.

"I had to grieve," I snapped. "Everyone grieves differently. I'm taking them home tomorrow and that's that."

"Do you really think you're going to go off on a tour with two preemies?"

"We've cancelled the tour," I said. When the guys had brought me home, Kevin had rationally gone over every hurtful thing or tactic that Ro's mom might say to try to convince me not to bring Alexis and Jonah home. That had been one of them.

"How are you going to handle two babies by yourself?"

"If you want, you and my mom are both welcome to come here and help," I said. With all the shit Nick had been through with his mom, he had been the one to suggest that I extend an olive branch to Ro's mom.

"But---"

"But what? I'm near the hospital, their room is done, I have the best baby equipment money can by and I'm going to hire a visiting nurse that will come twice a day. I'll be interviewing for a permanent nanny in a few weeks."

Ro's mom sighed. There was an awkward, heavy silence.

"If one thing happens to either of them I will take you to court so fast your head will spin. I don't care how much money you have. Those babies are the last link to my daughter and I won't let you hurt them."

Her words came so fast and furious that it felt like I was being punched in the gut repeatedly. I could almost taste blood.

"Point taken," I said quietly.

And then I hung up.

--------------------------------

The next morning I drove to the hospital with Brian. He was scheduled to fly back to Atlanta later in the day but he had offered to help me get the twins home.

When I had opened my eyes this morning my natural reflexes begged me to roll over and just stay in bed. I wanted to mourn...I needed to mourn. Then the other side of me, which surprisingly sounds a lot like Kev, told me to get my ass out of bed. That side had won.

As I walked the halls for hopefully the last time, I couldn't help but think that it should have been Ro walking beside me, not Brian. I knew that feeling would never go away. Every milestone that Alexis and Jonah reached I would think of that injustice.

"It's the day I always look forward to," Dr. Tresher announced as I walked into the NICU, Brian right behind me. I smiled.

"I'm glad that you’re taking them home," she added quietly.

"I wouldn't have it any other way."

She didn't mention Rochelle and I was glad. I wanted to keep the focus on Jonah and Alexis. This was their day.

"I would suggest keeping them at home except for doctor visits for the next month," Dr. Tresher said. "Especially Ally since the pneumonia knocked her for a loop. She's bouncing back well."

I ran my finger along Ally's cheek. Her mouth opened on reflex.

"I'd also suggest taking one of our CPR courses."

I looked up in surprise. Dr. Tresher held up a hand.

"Just as a precaution. Everyone should know CPR."

Brian slid a hand in his back pocket, produced his wallet, and whipped out a card.

"I do!"

I rolled my eyes. Leave it to Bri to want to score fucking brownie points.

"You have a visiting nurse coming twice a day, right?"

I nodded. "And I'm going to be interviewing for a permanent nanny as well."

Dr. Tresher placed her hand on my arm.

"It's going to be a lot of work."

I looked back down. Jonah was trying to stick his hand in his mouth but the little mitten was getting in the way.

"I'm up for it," I said.

Before we left, I put both of them in official baby clothes for the very first time. I held a sleeper in my hands and stared down at Jonah. I bunched up the material and held it out at the bottom of his leg and waited. Brian coughed.

"What are you doing?"

"I have no fucking clue."

Brian took the sleeper from me. "It's almost a game," he explained. "You've got to be smarter than the baby."

I watched as he got the sleeper up Jonah's legs. They began to squish up on reflex. Brian started whistling "She'll Be Coming Round the Mountain" and Jonahstopped and stared at him intently. Taking the opportunity, Bri quickly got his arms in and the zipper up. He picked up Jonah and smiled over at me.

"Ta-da!"

I picked up Alexis. I should have started with her. Girls were always harder to dress. I remember Ro always...

No, No, No.

Taking a deep breath, I put Ally down on the table. I grabbed the pink sleeper and stared at her feet. Her eyes were only half open. Maybe I could catch her unaware.

I quickly, but gently pulled the sleeper up over her legs. Her eyes opened all the way. Lifting her a fraction I got the sleeper wiggled up on her back. All that was left was the arms. I didn't even think I needed to whistle. I took each little arm and put it through. With a zip, it was done.

Mission accomplished.

"Impressive," Brian said. "But girls are easier."

I picked Ally up and held her close. "How are girls easier?"

Bri grinned. "Because girls love clothes. It's primitive nature for boys to run around half naked."

It made sense. I laughed; yes, actually laughed.

Then I looked around the NICU. I was ready to go home.

I had a feeling Jonah and Ally were too.

-----------------------------------

I hadn't counted on how painful it would be to walk into the nursery, but my heart almost ripped itself right out of my chest when I walked in.

Monkee. Monkee. My monkee.

I still pictured her standing there, smiling excitedly. What had she said? Oh yeah...'fucking sweet.'

God, I missed her.

"Wow guys, dad did a good job," Bri said. He put down Jonah's carseat and knelt down to unbuckle him. I knelt down and did the same to Ally's. Even if I did want to take them out, all the locks and straps on the carseat were enough for me to want to stay home.

"Are you keeping them in here or are you setting up bassinets?" Brian asked. He held Jonah like an expert. I felt like I was holding Ally like a sale turkey at Thanksgiving. I looked at him blankly.

Bassinets...

"They're staying in here," I finally said. Then I realized that I would be down the hall. What if something happened and I didn't hear?

"I've got a roll-a-bed I'm going to set up in the room for me," I said.

"Do you have enough diapers and everything? I can run to the store..."

I shook my head. "I have diapers. I have formula. I have bottles..."

I just didn't have Ro.

"Is the nurse coming today?"

"Later tonight."

Brian put Jonah down in his crib; I did the same with Ally. After a minute we both switched. Brian went to Ally; I went to Jonah.

"They're adorable," Bri finally said. "And so...white."

I laughed. It was the second time in one day and I felt guilty again.

"What do you mean?"

"You have so much ink on you that I almost forgot how white and nerdy you were back when," Bri said.

"I was pretty fly for a white guy," I amended. Bri snorted.

"So you thought. That earring you always wore was bigger than my fist."

"It was not."

"Close enough."

The banter faded into silence. I glanced up at the Curious George wall clock.

"You've got a flight to catch," I said quietly. Brian followed my gaze.

"Yeah. I better get home. Leighanne..." he trailed off. He looked at me and I hated the pity I saw there.

"Thanks for helping me out," I said quickly. I reached out my hand but Bri pulled me in for one of those heavy back-slap hugs.

"Anytime. You call if you need anything okay? And pick up the phone when someone calls."

I cracked a little smile.

"I'll keep that in mind."

I walked downstairs and stood at the door while Bri got in his rental car. He rolled down the window and stuck out his hand. I waved back. Slowly I closed the door.

Then panic hit me hard. I had left them upstairs alone. It had only been minutes, but it was too long. I ran back up and leaned over both cribs.

They were in one piece, eyes open, and breathing normally. I slumped against Ally's crib in relief. I felt the hot tears spring to my eyes again.

"How am I going to do this with you?" I said into the air around me. It hurt to breathe. "Who's going to teach Ally about all that girly stuff like tampons and eyelash curlers? And who's going to help Jonah learn how to put on a tie? You always did that for me. Why did you have to go?"

I was sobbing uncontrollably and the questions just kept coming. But there were no answers.

Subconsciously I think I knew the answers were within me, but it was going to take some searching to find them.

And I didn't know if I could find them alone.

I didn't know if I could be that strong.

And I hated myself for it.

Chapter Twelve - June 30

It's amazing how fast time flies when you're taking care of two infants. The first month that Alexis and Jonah spent at home was an absolute blur. A visiting nurse checked on us three times a day. The nurse, Flora, was a middle-aged lady that deserved sainthood right up there with Reva. She was patient even when I was freaking out. Even when I didn't think I could handle another minute of crying, she pointed out some new little baby accomplishment that made the sleep deprivation all worth while.

The only other good thing about being so fucking busy was that it didn't leave many moments in the day for me to dwell. When I finally fell into bed at night my brain didn't have an opportunity to sink down into the depths of dispair. It just shut off.

The sound of Jonah wailing woke me up out of a deep sleep. I lay there for just a moment wishing as I did every time I woke up that Ro was here. I got up and headed over to his crib.

"What's a matter Joe?" I asked as I stifled a yawn. His hands opened and closed and his face was as red as a tomato. I held him close and took a wiff. I turned my head and gagged.

"You are a crapping machine," I said with a cough. I put him down on the changing table and got out a new diaper. I had learned the hard way that when changing to cover up the junk. Getting hit with a stream of piss in the face isn't fun.

It was kind of amusing, but Jonah actually enjoyed diaper changes. Once the dirty diaper was removed and he was cleaned up his little legs spread open like he was just content to let it all air out. He'd shove his hand in his mouth and just watch me lazily as if his job of throwing a bitch fit was done.

"You are such a pimp," I said with a laugh. I tightened the tabs on the diaper and scooped him up. I put him down in the crib and turned on the mobile.

I had almost gotten back to bed when there was a loud clap of thunder. It sounded almost like an explosion. I hadn't even realized we were expecting rain. The moment the boom filled my ears I heard Jonah start to wail.

"Shhh," I consoled as I made my way back to his crib. I scooped him back up just as another clap of thunder rent the air. I patted him gently and walked towards Alexis' crib. I looked down ready to scoop her up as well.

But she was sound asleep.

It wasn't the first time that I had sensed something was wrong. I wanted to chalk it up to Alexis being an amazingly chill baby, but there was a point where that just wasn't enough.

Jonah's cries slowly became whimpers. I put him back in his crib and walked down the hall towards my bedroom. I flipped on the light and looked around.

By the time I walked back into the nursery I was armed with a whistle, a bell, and a wind-up alarm clock. I stood my Alexis' crib and looked down at her. Her mouth was slightly open; her fingers curled into little fists. I slowly brought the whistle to my lips and blew.

The shrill sound filled the room. Jonah began to cry again. Alexis slept on. My heart began to pound. I took the bell and slowly dropped it down into her crib. I shook it right next to her ear.

And still she slept on.

With shaking hands I set the alarm to go off in a minute. I held the clock above her head. When it finally rolled over and the alarm blared out I let out an anguished moan. There was no denying.

Ally couldn't hear.

-----------------------------

"I'm going to repeat the ABR test that we did at birth. At that time we screened both Ally and Joe at birth and the hearing tests came out fine."

I held Jonah while Ally lay on the exam table. Dr. Tresher placed five electrodes on her head.

"What will those do?" I asked.

"We're going to send a variety of sounds through small earphones. As the hearing nerves fire, the sound will travel to the brain and the electrodes will pick up on that in waveform. I can watch the screen and determine the softest levels Ally can hear."

I sat there while the test was performed. I watched the screen. It didn't take a college degree to see that the activity level on the screen was almost nonexistant. I heard Dr. Tresher sigh.

"This is completely different than the first screening," she said. "It must be an indirect complication from the pneumonia."

"How bad is it?" I asked. Dr. Tresher looked at Ally and then at me.

"Total hearing loss," she said. I closed my eyes.

"I'm going to recommend you to a specialist in this field," she continued. "The good thing is that you were so attuned to her that you caught this right away. The earlier a diagnosis is given the sooner a course of action can be discussed."

"What type of action?" I asked.

"Well, I'm not a specialist, but catching such profound hearing loss so early means that there are more options. One is cochlear implants."

When I heard the word implants all I could think of was boobs. BIG boobs.

"What are cochlear implants?"

"It's a surgically implanted device that will provide a sense of sound. The surgery is usually done around the time the baby turns one. Prelingual children are some of the best candidates."

"So eventually she'll hear and talk?"

"If that's the way the specialist thinks you can go, then yes."

My head pounded. It seemed like every time I turned around, life was giving me the finger.

After I got Ally and Joe in their carseats, Dr. Tresher handed me my paperwork and a referral card for the specialist. I walked out feeling like there was not a person in the world who would ever understand what I was going through.

----------------------------------

After we returned home I had just enough time to schedule an appointment with the audiologist before interviews started for the nanny position. The first time the doorbell rang, I opened the door expecting to see a Ms. Delores Pfifferstein. Instead I saw Nick leaning against the doorframe with a lazy grin. I stared at him in surprise.

"Well, don't say hi or anything," he teased.

"Hi. What are you doing here?"

Nick straightened up and breezed past me into the foyer.

"You told me when I talked to you earlier this week you were interviewing nannies today. So here I am."

"I see you are," I said. I closed the door and turned around. "Why?"

Nick looked at me like I was insane.

"I'm going to help you pick out a nanny."

"I don't need help."

Nick snorted. "Of course you do. You tend to judge women on the three T rule and that won't work for taking care of two infants."

I scratched my beard and looked at him in confusion.

"Three T's? What the fuck, man?"

Nick held up three fingers.

"Tongue. Thighs. Titties."

I scowled. The last thing I had thought about since 'then' was women.

"You don't have to worry about that, Nick," I said.

"Well, I also don't want you to pick someone based off the three G's."

His acronyms were getting mildly amusing.

"Three G's?"

"Gray, grumpy, and geritol."

Before I had a chance to respond, the doorbell rang. I groaned and motioned towards the living room.

"Sit on the couch and don't try to be helpful."

Nick grinned, pulled out a notebook and headed towards the living room.

The first woman we interviewed was Ms. Pfifferstein. I hate to admit it, but she met Nick's three 'G's' classification.

The next three women were almost as bad. One spoke very little English, one smelled of sauerkraut, and one didn't look like she could pick up a toothbrush without dropping it.

"I think the next one's going to be the one," Nick called from the living room as the doorbell rang for the fifth time. I snorted.

On first appearance, the fifth woman didn't seem bad. Her name was Kathy Polizzo. She reminded me of Mary Poppins. Of course that might have just been because she was carrying a gigantic bag. But, I did feel a little hopeful.

"Now, what experience have you had with handling infants?" I asked.

"I've been a professional nanny for fifteen years," she said. She opened her bag and pulled out a neat stack of papers in one of those clear report binders. She handed it to me.

"I made a photocopy of the references from all my past clients," she said. "Organized chronologically."

Nick leaned over my shoulder.

"What do you do with a toddler that likes to eat crayons?" he asked. I looked over at him. He was skimming advice for his own personal use. Now I knew his ulterior motive.

"Oh, none of my charges ever did that," she said. "I firmly believe in teaching the right way to do things from the beginning."

"Yeah, but everyone makes mistakes," Nick argued.

I leaned back into the couch. I needed someone to teach my kids the right way. I knew the older they got, the more chance I had of screwing up. Even though she sounded very 'Super-Nannish,' she might be just what I was looking for.

"My daughter," I said hesitatingly. "She has some hearing problems."

I saw Nick look at me, but I ignored him for the moment. "Do you have any experience dealing with things like that?"

Ms. Polizzo frowned. "You mean slow children?"

It was like she had slapped me. And I hate to be slapped. I stood up and handed her back her report.

"Thank you for your time."

She started to argue but I was walking towards the door and she had no choice to follow.

"Have a nice day," I said cooly. I slammed the door.

"J?" Nick called. I closed my eyes. I was starting to get a headache.

"What?" I called back.

Nick appeared in the hall, a frown on his face.

"Is Ally okay?"

I scratched my beard again. I really needed to shave. Shave the whole damn thing off.

"No," I said quietly. "She's deaf. I have to take her to a specialist and see if there's anything we can do."

"Jesus, J," Nick said. "I..."

Before Nick could respond the doorbell rang for the sixth time. It was my last interview of the day. I opened the door and looked out in surprise.

"Hi, I'm Molly," she said before I could even look down at my list of candidates to check the name. "This is Shelby. I'm here for the live-in nanny position."

Molly looked like she was in her late twenties or early thirties. Shelby looked like she was about five. Both had outrageous curly red hair that didn't look like it had been combed for days. Shelby was wearing a ballerina tutu, a pirate patch, and hooker heels.

It takes a lot to render me speechless.

This rendered me speechless.

Chapter Thirteen

I took a few steps back and struggled for words.

"Come in," I finally said.

I walked into the living room and sat down on the couch. Nick sat beside me. Molly sat down on the sofa across from me. The pirate-tutu-princess hopped up beside her. The backs of her heels swung in the air.

"So," Nick said.

As if on cue, my baby monitor started going off. I glanced over at Nick.

"Could you?" I asked. Nick looked like he wanted to say no, but he stood up slowly.

"I'll be back," he said. I had no doubt. He was already studying Molly like he was the leader of a firing squad.

Once he was on his way upstairs, I leaned back.

"So what are your qualifications?" I asked.

Molly smiled and pointed to Shelby. "She's right here."

"I'm five," Shelby offered. She held up five stubby fingers.

"I have twins," I explained. "Preemies. They're a lot to handle. I'm looking for someone experienced---"

I trailed off. This was officially the weirdest interview I had ever had. Molly opened her giant purse and rooted around in it. I watched, curious. Finally she pulled out an IPod and a huge set of padded headphones.

"Jam on," she instructed Shelby. She put the headset on the small girl. Shelby's hands went up and pressed the earpieces tightly against her head. Molly pressed a few buttons and in seconds I heard the strains of the Beatles' I Am the Walrus. Shelby began to nod her head to the beat and Molly leaned forward, lowering her voice conspiratorially.

"Shelby and her twin brother Micah were born two months early," she said.

I glanced over at the little girl. A smattering of brown freckles danced over her nose.

"Where's her brother?"

A familiar flash passed through Molly's eyes, but it came and went so quickly that I couldn't pinpoint exactly what that flash was all about.

"My husband and son were killed in a house fire three years ago," she explained after a beat. I understood the flash; it was pain.

I almost responded with an 'I'm sorry,' but I knew how empty those words were when they came from people that hadn't experienced the pain.

"That's shitty," I finally said. The right corner of her mouth turned up.

"You're telling me," she said.

"GOO GOO G'JOOB!" Shelby sang out. It was so random I jumped.

"Sorry," Molly said. "She's into the psychedelic movement this week."

I ran a hand along my neck.

"So this is a live-in position?" She continued.

I nodded. "I need around the clock help," I warned.

"Understandable," she said breezily.

It all seemed too easy. I decided to go in for the kill like I had done with super nanny.

"My daughter's been diagnosed with some hearing issues. I need someone with a little experience..."

Molly glanced back at Shelby and pointed.

"Right here."

"What?"

Molly looked at me dead on, eye-to-eye. She had the same smattering of freckles across her nose.

"After the fire, Shelby stopped talking. I don't know how many child psychologists we went to that tried to pull all that Freud mumbo-jumbo crap. Finally one of them that wasn't in it just for the money suggested that Shelby had purposely shut herself down as a coping mechanism for grief. That one suggested I start with some baby sign language books. She signed for almost a whole year before she started talking again."

Molly folded her arms and leaned back in the couch. "I'm not claiming I'm freakin' Annie Sullivan, but I do have some experience."

It was a lot to absorb. For the second time in an hour I was rendered speechless. I searched for something to say.

"What's with the huge headphones?" I finally asked.

"They come in handy when I want to talk without her overhearing," Molly said. "Works like a charm."

It all actually sounded good. There was only one more thing...

"I hope this doesn't sound wrong," I said. "But a five-year old has to be a lot to handle. I don't know that you'll be able to devote attention to my children if she needs something."

"Shelby tends to be self-reliant," Molly answered. "Like her mom. But, I respect your concerns."

She stood up and I did the same. She scooped the headphones off Shelby's ears and tucked the whole thing in her purse. Shelby looked over at me as Molly took her hand.

"ARGH," Shelby said in pirate-ese. Then she began to do ballerina leaps as they both headed to the door.

"When will I know?" Molly asked, turning around. I almost bumped right into her. A piece of her hair smacked the side of my face. For as wild as it was it actually felt...soft. It took me several seconds to realize she was waiting for a response.

"Know? I...er. I'll let you know either way in forty eight hours."

She held out her hand.

"Thank you for your time."

I shook her hand; she had a strong shake.

"Thank you for coming," I said.

I stood at the door and watched them walk back to her car. It was right up there with Reva's in the list of cars that should have been demolished ten years ago. The door creaked as she held the passenger side open. Shelby scrambled up, her heels smacking against the door as she swung around to get in the backseat. Molly then had to slide in through the passenger side to get to the driver's side. A huge black cloud of smoke rose as the engine came to life.

I closed the door slowly...thoughtfully.

"So, I really liked the third candidate," Nick said. I looked over as he hit the last stair.

"She smelled like sauerkraut," I said.

"Yeah, but once you got past that..."

"I think I'll sleep on it," I said lightly. I started to walk up the staircase.

"J, don't do what I know you're going to do," Nick warned. I heard his footsteps behind me.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"You know exactly what I'm talking about."

I stopped on the next to last step before the landing and turned.

"Nick, Ally and Joe are way too important to me. Trust me on this."

As crazy as that redhead had been, she had given me the best interview of the day. And I had two more nannies to interview in the morning that I hadn't told Nick about. Plus, even if I did choose her, it wasn't like I'd be stuck with her for life. I could give her a trial period. Every store had a return policy. I could give her ninety days.

It would still be time to find another nanny before the tour started if I needed to.

I walked into the nursery and checked on Ally and Joe. Both were sleeping peacefully. I turned to Nick.

"Thanks for your help," I said gratefully. He still looked like he wanted to give me a lecture, but he thought twice.

"Anytime," he said. There was a pause. "Let me know who you choose, okay? I better get home. Liv's hair has probably turned gray by now."

I smiled. The fact that Nick now thought of someone other than himself should have hell freezing over.

"I'll let you know," I assured him. He headed towards the nursery door and turned.

"Why do I have the feeling you already know who you're going to pick?" he asked. I smiled.

"Bye, Nick."

He left and I leaned over Joe's crib.

"What do you think?" I asked softly as he slept. I stroked his hair. "Sauerkraut lady or nutty redhead?"

His hand reflexively opened and closed twice.

"Yeah, that was my choice too," I said.

I just hoped it was the right one.

Chapter Fourteen - July 3

It was ten o'clock in the morning and the sound of that damn rattletrap car signaled Molly's arrival blocks before she actually pulled up to the house. I opened the door and stared out. The car looked so out of place next to all the swank manicured homes on the block.

Molly had opened the trunk and pulled out two suitcases by the time I talked myself into going outside. Shelby slid out from the backseat. Today she was wearing a tiara, sunglasses, cowboy boots and a handyman's belt. If the princess got a flat tire in the middle of a hot Texas desert she would be all set.

I walked down the steps slowly.

"Need some help?"

Molly hoisted both suitcases.

"I have two boxes in the trunk," she explained.

I raised an eyebrow. "That it?"

"That's all we brought," she said. I stacked the boxes on top of each other and slammed the trunk shut. I feared for a second that the impact would collapse the entire car.

No such luck.

I walked past Molly and headed inside.

"I'll show you your room," I explained. Peeking around the boxes, I headed up the staircase. I heard two sets of footsteps behind me.

I stopped at the door to the right of the nursery and pushed it open. There was a queen size bed and a small bed I had put together for Shelby. I walked in and set the boxes on the floor.

"There's a personal bath right off of the room," I explained.

"TV!"

As Molly set down the suitcases, Shelby grabbed the remote off the nightstand, plopped on the small bed, pushed the sunglasses to the tip of her nose, and flipped on the TV. I saw the channels flip until she settled onto a VH1 Behind the Music special. It was like she was five going on fifteen.

"She's good for the next hour," Molly said. All I could do was nod. The damn kid threw me for a loop.

"Well, let me introduce you to Ally and Joe," I said.

We walked out of the room and into the nursery. I scooped Jonah up first.

"This is Jonah," I said.

"He's adorable," Molly said with a smile. She held out her arms.

I know it sounds weird, but I was feeling possessive. Aside from visits from the grandmothers (in which Ro's mom constantly reminded me that she was just waiting for me to screw up), I had pretty much done it alone. I hesitated for another second, but I finally handed him over.

She smiled down at him. I picked up Ally. She was always having a bad hair day. I swear her hair was growing up instead of out.

"Hi sweet baby," I said. I knew she couldn't hear me, but I didn't care. I kissed her cheek gently. Her eyes flew open; I think I startled her. Her bottom lip quivered but when she saw my face, she drew up a big shaky breath and calmed herself down.

"This is Ally," I said. Molly looked over.

"Look at all that hair."

"Yeah it's kind of unruly."

"It just needs to be put up in a bow."

"I've tried that, it doesn't work."

"You just don't know the trick."

"The trick?"

"Here, switch me."

We did an awkward switch of the babies. I tried to avoid too much skin-to-skin contact. Molly bounced Alexis gently and headed to the changing table. I stood behind her.

"You gather the hair like this," she instructed. "Now the key is the right size rubber band. Do you have rubber bands?"

It was the strangest thing; even though it had been months, my wrist started to tingle as if I had just snapped a band.

"I have some in the bathroom."

"What size?"

"Large."

"No, that won't do."

She studied the ribbon in her hand. I tried to follow how she wrapped the ribbon, but after the first three turns, I couldn't remember if it was clockwise or counterclockwise. She made a tight little knot and took her hands off it. It stayed put. It was a little off to the side, but it made Ally look like she was rocking the 80's look. I liked it.

"Much better," Molly said. She looked at me. I nodded.

"It looks good."

Molly picked Ally back up and there was a moment of awkward silence. Finally I cleared my throat.

"They're on a regular feeding schedule. I have three portable monitors that are all tied into the main system in this room. There's an emergency oxygen tank in the closet as well as a full first aid supply. Jonah needs to be held at a little steeper angle when you feed him otherwise he tends to throw up. Ally likes to be held close to the chest."

"Vibrations," Molly said with a nod.

"What?"

"She can feel the heartbeat and if you talk she'll sense the vibration pattern of your voice," Molly explained.

I had just thought it was a girl thing.

"That makes sense," I admitted.

I spent a couple more minutes going over basics and then we put the babies back in their cribs.

"Let me show you around the rest of the house," I said.

There were a couple places that I had designated off limits: specifically my room and the gaming room that I had made into a makeshift bedroom for Ro. I still hadn't removed the bed or her clothes. Hell, I hadn't even unpacked her suitcase from when she came home from the hospital. I didn't open the door when I explained that it was a 'no-go' zone; I knew just walking in would tear open the already raw wounds on my heart.

"After ninety days I'm going to evaluate how this is working," I finally said. The tour had ended in the living room where I had first interviewed her.

"That sounds fair," she said.

"And I appreciate honesty," I said.

"I don't waste time with lies," Molly said. "Bullshit doesn't work for me."

I studied her more intently than I probably should have. She was about a half foot shorter than me. If I could garner a guess, I'd say she was about a hundred and thirty pounds. C cup. The humidity had puffed her hair out like an afro. She wore very little makeup, but she still had the thickest set of eyelashes I had ever seen, especially for a redhead. She had glossy chestnut eyes that met mine without a hint of trepidation.

"Is there anything else?" she asked.

I shook my head. "No, I think that's it. Let me know if you have any questions."

I turned to go back upstairs.

"I have one question."

I turned around.

"Yes?"

"I don't have to cook for you do I? Because I'm a horrible cook."

-----------------------

I found out quickly that having two virtual strangers living in your house was kind of uncomfortable. It wasn't like I walked around my house naked (well, not often), but I was mindful that the chance of bumping into Molly or Shelby was high. I spent quite a bit of time in my room. I took a nap. I watched golf.

When Ally or Joe cried, I still went to the nursery. Each time Molly had beaten me to it. Twice Shelby was with her. I observed a diaper change. Molly took the role of doctor and Shelby the nurse. The surgical instruments were replaced with commands such as 'Diaper, Wipe, Powder.' For such a little girl, Shelby was a good listener.

I went to bed around ten. I didn't feel like I had done anything productive today. For a couple hours, I twisted and turned fitfully. Thoughts of Ro plagued my mind. I wondered if she could see me now. I stared into the blackness, my heart racing.

By one o'clock in the morning, I couldn't take it anymore. I got out of bed and headed to the kitchen. A night like this called for rocky road ice cream.

I had gutted the kitchen after Ro's death. I had flipped things completely around and changed all of the cabinets. Even with all the cosmetic changes, I could still picture her lying on the floor. Someone, I forget who, suggested I moved. But I couldn't do that. As horrific as the memory was, it was still a memory.

I was so lost in thought that I walked straight to the refrigerator and opened the freezer without seeing the little person at my kitchen table. When I saw the vacant spot where my ice cream always sat, I closed the door and turned around.

Shelby was sitting on three phone books on a kitchen chair. She was clutching her spoon like a dagger. Her face was covered in rocky road ice cream.

"Why are you awake?" I asked. She looked up at me.

"I wanted ice cream," she said. It made sense to me. I grabbed a spoon and walked over to the table. I sat across from her and dug in.

"How'd you get the ice cream out of the freezer?"

"I climbeded up on the chair and opened the door," she said. "Duh."

She was a smartass. I liked that. She took another messy bite and stared at me.

"Why do you have so many pictures drawed all over you?"

"Pictures?" I asked. I studied my arm. "Tattoos?"

She nodded.

It shouldn't have been a hard question, but I couldn't really explain to a five-year old the deeper meaning, expressionism, and quality of tattoo art.

"I like them," I finally said. It seemed to satisfy her. She licked the back of her spoon.

"My mom has four drawings," she said. I took another bite of ice cream.

"Really? What are they?"

Shelby pointed to the left side of her neck.

"She has two rainy drops on her neck. And she has flowers on her ankle. And..." Here Shelby's eyes grew wide. "She has a word on her BUTT!"

"What does the word say?" I asked. Shelby looked at me like I had just said something stupid.

"I don't know. I'm only five years old!"

I smiled. "I forgot."

We both dipped our spoons in the ice cream and took another bite. She was staring at me intently.

"What's up?" I asked. I rubbed my beard assuming I had a big glob of ice cream hanging there.

"Mommy readed me a story and you were in it," she blurted out. I smiled.

"What?"

"Mommy checkeded out a book from the lib-beary and you were in it."

I had no fucking clue what she was talking about.

"What was the book about?"

She shrugged. I had a feeling that her brain was shutting off from lack of sleep. I put the lid on the ice cream.

"Why don't you go back upstairs and try to sleep?" I whispered. She hopped off the chair and leaned into it to push it up to the table.

"Are you going to sleep?" she asked. I closed my eyes for a moment. With a pretend yawn, I nodded.

"Yup, I am."

Shelby put her hand on her hip. "Do you snore?"

"No. Do you?"

She shook her head.

"Okay then. Well, good night."

"Night!"

She headed towards the stairs. I stayed down in the kitchen to put the ice cream away and wash the spoons.

I know it's wrong, but as I wiped down the table my mind went back to the thought of a tattoo on Molly's ass. Once a guy gets information like that, it's kind of hard to forget.

It didn't seem possible that I was ever going to see Ro again, even in the afterlife.

I was sure I was going to hell.

Chapter Fifteen - August 1

After almost a month, having Molly and Shelby in the house actually became routine. At least three nights a week I'd come downstairs in the middle of the night and share some rocky road ice cream with Shelby. Molly couldn't figure out why Shelby was gaining weight, but I wasn't about to admit to our ice cream capers.

My first visit to the audiologist with Ally had given me some hope. The specialist didn't see any reason not to do the implants. He just didn't think they should be done until her first birthday. In preemie time, that would be the mental age of a ten month old. Any speech delays would be minimal as long as the surgery was successfully. I had to believe it would be.

As the days came and went I never stopped missing Ro, but I also couldn't ignore the fact that I was still very much alive.

And male.

I was determined to keep my relationship with Molly purely professional. She was great with Ally and Joe, I adored her daughter, and she was great to talk to.

Unfortunately, I also couldn't deny that she was built like a brick shithouse. And that was what pushed me over the edge.

I woke up early in the morning. I had actually slept well. I walked out of my bedroom and towards the nursery. I heard cries.

So, obviously, did Molly. She ran into the nursery just as I was picking up Jonah. She was wearing only a towel. Her hair was still dripping wet from the shower. It hung in sensual damp curls.

My mouth went dry. If I was a dog, I would have probably looked for the nearest pillow to hump. Her tits threatened to spill out of the top of the wrap and her calf muscles were perfect. I thought again of the supposed tattoo on her ass. I turned quickly so she wouldn't see my arousal.

"I've got him," I said. I stared down at Jonah. If I was him and she had picked me up wearing that towel I would have yanked it down so fast it would have made her head spin.

"Thanks," she said. "Didn't know you were awake."

"No problem. It's under control."

I counted to ten before turning around. She was gone.

My boner was not.

After I quieted Jonah down I went back to my room and locked myself in for a couple hours. But it wasn't enough. I was backed up. Such a sexual person such as myself should never get backed up. Why?

Because I do something stupid, that's why.

I finally went downstairs around noon. Molly was in the kitchen. Every day she made macaroni and cheese for lunch. She wasn't kidding about being a lousy cook. Even freakin' mac and cheese tasted rubbery. It was like she actually managed to burn water. Shelby was lying on the floor with a large coloring book. She was wearing green Shrek ears, twenty bangle bracelets, and a bunny tail. She looked up.

"Whatcha doin?" she asked.

"What are you doing?"

"I asked you first!"

"I've got to go to a meeting," I said. She sat up and frowned.

"But it's lunch time!"

I walked by her and tugged at the Shrek ears. She held onto the headband for dear life.

"Eat my portion. I'll be back in a couple hours."

I turned to look at Molly. She pulled the wooden spoon out of the pot. Macaroni was stuck to it like glue.

"Call me on my cell if you need anything," I said. She smiled.

"We'll be fine. I have everything under control," she assured me. She looked left, then right.

"Where did I put that cheese packet?"

I headed out. For a full minute I sat in the car, my heart pounding. The blood was pounding against my eardrums. After sliding on a pair of shades and taking a deep breath, I turned the key in the ignition and took off.

It had been a long time since I had done what I was going to do. I hoped that the protocol hadn't changed. I cruised into downtown Tampa. I turned down a steet I hadn't been down in years and slowed. The neon sign flashing 'Massage Parlor' up ahead looked exactly the same as I remembered it.

I parked and walked into the building. There was a tiny front room with a large desk. A beautiful black woman with huge fake breasts was filing her nails. She glanced over at me and flashed a smile.

"Hi. What can I do for you this afternoon?"

I picked at the skin around my nails. I was glad she couldn't see my eyes. They always gave so damn much away.

"I was wondering if you have any...red-hot specials today," I said. I placed particular emphasis on the 'magic' words. The woman's eyes lit up.

"Well, now that you mention it, Bambi has a red-hot special."

"What's the bargain?"

"An hour for five. Best price in weeks."

"Is that the basic or the full?"

"Full."

I pulled out my wallet and counted out five one hundred dollar bills. I slid them across the counter. The woman picked them up and held them up to the light. When she was satisfied, she nodded. She got up and opened the door.

"Second door on the left."

I brushed past her. The hall had dingy florescent lighting that hung low. I stopped at the second door on the left. For those that were a little slow, it even said 'Left 2.' I opened the door a crack and slid in.

The room was basked in a half-light. Most of the bulbs were burnt out. A couple reeking candles were lit.

Bambi was lounging on the couch smoking a cigar. Her long straight red hair hung halfway down her back. Her tits, obviously fake, burst out of a skimpy red see-through bra. Black panties, a garter belt, and hooker heels completed the ensemble. I'll be damned if the heels didn't remind me of Shelby for a second. I shook my head to clear the thought.

Now wasn't the time.

I stood silently; Bambi stood and ground out the cigar with the tip of her heel. She sauntered over and placed her hands on her curvy hips. Her heavily painted red lips curved into a smile.

"You're the best thing I've seen in weeks," she said.

"I heard you give the full treatment."

Her hands reached out and grabbed at my belt. She tugged me towards her and I obligingly stepped forward.

"I have no limitations," she said. I wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her up against me. She wasn't a true red-head; her hair had that fakey out of the box look. But it was going to have to do. I pressed my lips hard against hers. The aftertaste of the cigar lingered on her lips but I fought against that.

I didn't waste a lot of time. After all, I only had an hour. I stripped her quickly and I sure as hell didn't take a lot of time getting out of my clothes. I sank back on the couch while she straddled me. I closed my eyes and dug my fingers into her back. I imagined a tattoo right there across her ass.

She rode me like a true professional. I leaned my head back, my eyes still closed, picturing a completely different redhead. As I imagined Molly in my dreams arching her body back instead of the hooker, I let out a little cry. I rolled Bambi into the couch and fucked the shit out of her until my sanity returned.

That was the part that sucked. With the sanity came the guilt. With the guilt came the insecurity.

Luckily, there's not a lot of small talk that needs to happen when you pay for sex. I got dressed and left an extra little tip on the arm of the couch. She took the twenty and rolled it between her fingers.

"Don't forget to ask for me next time," she said. The thick layer of red lipstick had hardly been chipped away. Hookers must shell out a good deal of profit on long-lasting lipshine.

"Will do," I said.

I knew I wouldn't go back to her.

When I got home I went in the backway and right up to my room. I stood in the shower for a long time. I will never admit it to anyone, but for several minutes I leaned against the wall and cried.

I was pathetic.

But it wouldn't happen again.

---------------------------------------

August 22

Over the next couple weeks things returned to the status quo. I spent some time in the studio for the first time in forever putting down tracks for a possible second solo album. Jonah and Ally both began to smile on a regular basis. Jonah even rolled over. I didn't worry that their milestones were coming a month or so later than normal. I knew eventually they'd make that ten week difference up.

After spending an hour with the babies, lying on the floor and entertaining them with toys, I headed downstairs. Molly was hovering over Shelby, her big hand over Shelby's small one tracing on a piece of paper with a pencil.

"This is the right way you write an S," Molly explained. Shelby made a face. Today she was wearing fake hoop earrings, a halo, and flippers.

"That's not how a Shelby 'S' looks," she argued.

I stood there for a second smiling at the look of exasperation on Molly's face. I think I stood there for a little too long; her head turned in my direction. I rolled my shirt between my fingers. It was another bad habit.

"I'm headed to a business meeting, slash, birthday party," I explained. "I'll be back in four or five hours."

"Alright," she said. I headed towards the door.

"Be careful!" she called. I stopped.

It was so...domestic. It was also something Ro always used to say to me. I turned around. She was blushing. Her face was almost as red as her hair. She had caught her own guffaw.

"I will," I said gently. Before she could look up I headed out.

Nick and Brian had planned a birthday party for Howie at this Mexican joint called La Hacienda. The place was extremely tacky. I had a feeling Howie was being set up.

I was right.

After being sung to by the entire staff, Howie had cake smashed in his face and was thrown across a donkey and spanked.

I'm not making it up. Even I couldn't make shit like that up. Brian and Nick practically pissed themselves they were laughing so hard. I've got to admit, it was pretty fucking funny.

After Howie grumbled and went all pissy Puerto Rican on them, we ended up at a miniature golf center for Go-Karts. Nick got run off the road and at one point I swear Brian was going backwards. Howie had his eye on the prize and finished first.

Everyone except Kevin and I had a date. I watched Howie scoop up Leigh and swing her around. I felt a wash of loneliness sweep over me. Suddenly I wanted to be anywhere but there.

"Want to play miniature golf?" Nick asked.

Kev checked his watch. "I've got to catch a flight back. Addy stayed back home with Mason. He's helping her make table decorations."

"I better get going too," I said.

"You both are party poopers," Nick declared.

I let him rib me a little bit more and then we all did handshakes and slaps goodbye. I headed out with Kev.

"I'll see you at the wedding right?" he asked.

The last thing I wanted to do was go to a wedding.

But this was Kevin. He had saved my life. The least I could do was fly to Kentucky and watch him get married.

"Of course," I said.

He gave me a hearty back-slap hug and we got in our cars. He took off towards the airport; I headed off towards home.

At least, I initially headed towards home. As I drove, I couldn't get the thought of the other guys out of my mind. They were all so happy. Even if they had the shittiest day in the world they still came home and had a wife there to kiss it all better.

What did I have?

By the time I actually focused on the road again, I realized I had managed to drive into the seedy part of town. The sun had set a couple hours ago and the nightlife was beginning to spring up all over.

I blame the sudden hit of depression for what I did next. As I was driving around, I saw a petite blonde in a black minidress and boots leaning against a light post. She blew a huge gum bubble, her mouth forming a perfect O. I slowed down. I knew a hooker when I saw one. She popped the bubble and straightened up. I rolled down the window.

She walked towards me with the practiced gait that only models and prostitutes could pull off. She leaned down into the window; I got a direct shot right down her top. She had a great rack.

"What can I do for ya?" she asked. I smiled. Even though it was night, I had another pair of sunglasses on. They were like my mask. I was safe behind them.

"I'm looking for some fun," I said. I licked my lips. I still tasted the salt from the restaurant chips. She smiled back at me.

"How much are you looking to spend?"

I pulled out my wallet and showed her a few hundred dollars. Street operations usually cost less than those in buildings. Lower operating costs, y'know.

"Nice. What do you want to get for that?"

"How much can you give me?"

"It depends on the fun."

"Let's go to a hotel and I'll show you what I mean," she continued.

A half hour later, I was face down on the hotel bed being handcuffed.

The blonde broad wasn't a hooker.

She was an undercover cop.

I struggled to keep from vomiting on the ride to the station. After I had a mugshot taken and got fingerprinted, the female cop handed me the phone.

"You get one call. Make it count."

I sat staring at the phone. Who the fuck was I going to call?

Certainly not my mom.

I squeezed my hand into a fist. This was a nightmare. I slowly punched in a number and listened to the rings.

"Hello?"

There was a moment of relief. But just a moment.

"Nick?"

"AJ?" I could hear the concern. I sighed.

"I need you to come down to the police station. I was just fucking arrested."

Chapter Sixteen

Nick was probably the last person I wanted to call, but he just seemed the logical choice. Kevin was on his way back to Kentucky. Plus, knowing him, he probably would have chopped off my balls. And it was Howie's birthday. I didn't want him to spend a couple hours of it at the police station.

There there was Brian.

Brian would have come in, crackin' jokes and going all ADHD. The cops would have probably fallen in love with him and he would have ended up having coffee and doughnuts while I sat chained to a bench.

So, in the end it was Nick.

"I'll be right there," he said. Then he hung up. I contemplated calling my mom, but the blonde hooker cop walked back in and took the phone from me.

Nick arrived about an hour later. I was still waiting to be arraigned in front of the judge. The hooker cop had wanted to throw me in with all the other sharks, but one of the other cops had allowed me to stay in the private room. You can imagine all the names I was coming up with for that broad.

"AJ, what the hell were you thinking?" Nick said as the officer closed the door behind him. I studied the table intently.

"I don't know," I said. It wasn't a good answer, but it was the truth.

Nick swung himself down in the chair across from me. He looked disappointed and angry.

"Dude, hookers are nasty. You could have taken off those fucking glasses, walked into a club, and got the goods for free if you wanted to get your rocks off."

I looked up at him. They had taken my damn sunglases. I wanted them back.

"That's the thing," I said. "Those club girls would all know me. I just...I just wanted to fly under the radar for once."

Nick snorted. "Well you did a damn good job of that. Jesus, your face is going to be plastered all over TV and the web by morning."

I felt tears spring to my eyes. Sonofabitch. Nick sighed.

"Listen, if it helps, I called a lawyer just to see how much trouble you're in. You've never been arrested before for anything and this is your first offense."

"It'll be my last," I said.

"It better," Nick added firmly. "But, the lawyer said you should get a slap on the wrist and a fine anywhere from five hundred to a grand. Since you were probably shelling that out for the hookers, it's no big deal."

"I have a mugshot," I explained. I looked up. Nick gave me a small smile.

"We can add it to mine. Now we just have to get the other three guys to do something completely stupid and asinine."

I shook my head. Nick leaned back in the chair and stretched out his legs. Only Nick Carter would look comfortable in a police interrogation room.

"So, explain to me why you had to go looking for a piece of ass in the first place. Was your hand not enough?"

I closed my eyes. I didn't want to get into the details.

"Nick..."

"What? I've done it before. A lot."

I didn't want to think about Nick whacking off. It was just gross.

"I just needed some company."

Nick was staring me down; I could feel his eyes on the top of my head. I picked at the skin around my thumb; it started to bleed.

"This doesn't have anything to do with your nanny, does it?" Nick asked. I looked up quickly.

"Of course not."

"You think she's going to quit now?"

I hadn't thought about that. My stomach twisted unpleasantly. If she left...

"I don't know," I answered quietly.

At that point, the door opened and the hooker cop walked in.

"McLean, you're up."

I stood up. She handcuffed me again and led me past Nick. I turned my head to look at him.

"Is she the hooker?" he mouthed. I nodded. He tilted his head thoughtfully.

"Nice," he mouthed.

If my hands were free, I would have given him the finger.

Nick was right about the sentence. I was put on six months probation with an eight hundred dollar fine. The longest part of the night was just waiting to be de-booked. As I walked out, a free but absolutely humiliated man, I noticed Nick still waiting for me.

"I figured you needed a ride home," he said. I groaned. I was going to have to get my car out of the impound lot tomorrow afternoon. We walked out and got in Nick's convertible.

"Your mom's going to kill you," Nick said.

It wasn't my mom I was worried about, but I didn't say anything.

As we neared the house, Nick pulled to a stop at a redlight and looked at me.

"J, I really hate all this shit happening to you," he said seriously. I couldn't look at him.

"Well, I guess it's just the way the cookie crumbles," I said bitterly.

"It's got to turn around sometime," he said hopefully.

It was way more hope than I had.

A few minutes later he pulled up to the house. It was completely dark. I got out, closed the door, and then leaned back in.

"Thanks for doing this," I said. Nick smiled.

"What are friends for?" Then the smile dropped.

"But if you do anything, I mean anything, like this again, I'm going to let you rot in jail."

"Point taken," I said lightly. I stepped back and he took off.

I got into the house through the back way and headed to my room. I felt too dirty to even check in on Joe and Ally. I took a long shower to wash all of the jail grime from my body. As I crawled into bed, I reached out for Ro's pillow, but stopped.

The pillow deserved better.

With a sigh, I pressed my face into my pillow and shut my eyes.

I had a feeling the morning was going to be even worse than the night.

----------------------------------

It all started early the next morning. The off-kilter sounds of Ally's crying woke me up. I reached the nursery before Molly. By the time she walked in, Jonah had begun to cry. She picked him up and sat in the rocking chair. I stood over by the window, swaying Ally slowly back and forth.

"How was the birthday party?" Molly asked as the cries quieted down. I felt my entire body tense.

"Fine," I said, trying to keep it light. I'm pretty sure I failed.

"Do you want some breakfast? I think Shelby mentioned something about Toaster Strudels."

I fucking love Toaster Strudels.

"I can make them," I said. I turned to see her smile.

Damn that smile.

"If you want them to be edible, that sounds like a good plan."

We made our way downstairs, walking side-by-side. Shelby was already at the table watching the Today Show.

I got out the strudel; Molly got out the orange juice. I had just pressed the lever on the toaster down when Shelby let out a little gasp.

"Mr. J, there you are!"

I turned. There across the screen was my damn mugshot. The screen panned back to Matt Lauer and my mugshot shrunk to the upper right hand corner. The headlline along the bottom read "Backstreet Boy Arrested for Sexual Solicitation."

I didn't think Matt Lauer probably had any room to talk. It looked like he had been at a brothel a time or two in his life.

"Mom, what does it say?" Shelby asked. "Ba--ba--."

The channel switched to PBS.

"Drink your juice," Molly said. She glanced at me and walked out of the kitchen.

I couldn't decipher the glance.

The first of the strudels popped up and I applied the icing and set them down in front of Shelby. She grabbed one and licked the icing off first.

I did the exact same thing. It spread the remnants around better and gave each crispy bite just a light icing taste.

Molly returned to the kitchen. She plopped the big earphones on Shelby's head.

"MADONNA!" Shelby called out. Molly turned the wheel and then set the IPod down by Shelby's elbow.

Then she turned to me. She folded her arms across her chest.

I knew that sign. It wasn't good.

"Some birthday party," she said. I blushed; I actually blushed.

"This wasn't from the party. Really," I stressed. "It's just things went wrong after I left it..."

Molly glanced at Shelby. She was still nodding her head to the music.

"My first priority is making sure she has a good environment," Molly said.

I felt my heart speed up.

"This was a one-time thing," I said. "Well twice. But I don't usually do this. I...I..."

I trailed off. How could I explain that I got my rocks off on prostitutes as a substitute for her? How did I even start to describe all the dirty thoughts that ran through my mind when I looked at her?

She would have packed her bags so fast I wouldn't know what hit me. I decided to play the sympathy card even though I hated every single word that came out of my mouth.

"I've had a couple of really bad nights lately...missing my wife. I didn't make a good conscious choice."

Molly's eyes grew soft in sympathy. It was different than the pity I had seen in other's eyes. It was more of a understanding.

"I've done my share of stupid things," she said quietly. She glanced back at Shelby, but she didn't expound on the 'stupid' things. She turned back to me.

"Are you going to jail? Because if you are..."

I knew the next words were going to be 'then Shelby and I have to leave.' I quickly shook my head.

"I've never done anything wrong before," I said. Okay, so that was stretching it. "This was my first arrest and I paid my fine and I'm on six-months probation."

I saw her weighing her options. Finally she sighed; her arms dropped back to her sides.

"Are you going to make more of that streusel?" she finally asked. My shoulders slumped in relief.

"Sure."

I turned to put another couple pieces down. Suddenly the air grew warm. She was right behind me.

"AJ, I know that we've got a working relationship. But if you ever need to talk..."

I glanced over at her. She had exactly nine freckles across her nose.

"Thank you," I said quietly. Her lips were right there. I just wanted to lean down and...

The sound of the phone ringing broke my thought. I grabbed the phone off the wall. I figured it was Brian ready to give me an early morning sermon about the degradation of women or Howie screaming about our 'image.'

I was wrong on both counts. It was Ro's mom.

"One strike and your out," she said. No hello, just that.

"What?" I said.

"How could you do that? You disgust me. I can't believe you can fall asleep at night. The grass has barely started to grow over Ro's grave."

I closed my eyes. I didn't need the mother-in-law from hell on my ass.

"There was just a misunderstanding," I said calmly. "Everything was taken care of."

"I don't want someone who sleeps with random diseased prostitutes around my grandchildren," she said. My pulse spiked up.

"Well, I'm sorry you feel that way Mother Theresa, but you just need to shove it up that gigantic ass of yours and sit on it," I snapped. I shoved the phone back into its cradle. When I turned, Molly was still standing by the toaster. The strusel popped up.

"A big admirer?" she asked. I picked up the strusels and put them on a plate. I drizzled the icing over them.

"No," I said. I handed her the plate. Our eyes met.

"A big pain-in-the ass."

Chapter Seventeen - August 28

The day before hadn't been a good day. Jonah had developed a cold. I had rushed straight to the doctor only to be told not to panic.

That was easier said than done.

By the time I got home, Molly was waiting at the door holding a long envelope.

"I had to sign for this," she said. Her brow was furrowed. She took Jonah and I sat down on the couch in the living room and tore open the envelope. Shelby hopped up next to me. Her face was covered in so much green face paint that she bore a striking resemblance to Kermit the Frog if Kermit had red hair.

"What's those papers?" she asked.

"I don't know."

I smoothed out the papers and scanned them. They were court documents. Ro's mom wasn't dickering around. She really was trying to get custody. Her claim was that I was an unfit parent.

"Fuck," I said. Shelby's eyes widened.

"That's the badderest word you can say in English," she said. I sighed.

"Hey kiddo can you go see if your mommy needs some help? I've got to make an important phone call."

Shelby nodded and hopped off the couch. Her slippers sounded like horse hooves. She headed towards the stairs and turned.

"Mr. J?"

I tried to hide a smile. She was convinced that my first name was just A and my last name was J.

"Yeah?"

"Don't use bad words on the phone. Some people don'ts like 'em."

"I'll remember that."

I had called Nick. Again. He was becoming my personal Oprah. I had asked for a lawyer recommendation and he had given me the name and number of the guy who had handled Liv's divorce. It turned out to be Jim, our old attorney. He had decided that representing pop stars wasn't paying out good money anymore and had switched to a different type a law. I hoped that it included custody cases.

That was why I sat in his waiting room at an ungodly hour in the morning. I had actually beat the secretary there. The doorman had just let me in. When the girl finally came bursting in, she let out a little squeak of surprise.

"Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize we had an early appointment."

"It's okay."

"Help yourself to some coffee."

The coffee looked like it had been floating in the pot for about twenty years. I passed.

Jim arrived about twenty minutes later. I stood up and he shook my head.

"AJ, it's been a long time."

"Sure has."

"Come into my office."

I followed him into his private sanctum. Whatever he was doing, he was doing it well. Everything reeked of money.

"You mentioned you have a problem," he said, settling down in a huge ass leather chair. "I have to tell you, I don't do anything with music, copyright, or entertainment representation in general anymore."

I sat down in the client chair. It was a little less leather, a little more wood, but still damn comfortable.

"I need advice on a custody matter," I said. He looked at me in surprise.

"Oh?"

"My wife's mother-in-law sent me this yesterday."

I handed over the envelope. He took several moments to flip through the papers.

"Your in luck. I handle divorce and custody issues. Now, what does your wife have to say about this?"

I could tell good old Jim didn't keep up with celebrity news anymore. I stared down at my hands. I had picked way more skin around my fingers than usual.

"She passed away in May."

"Oh. I'm so sorry to hear that."

There were the words again. Empty, but seemingly required. All I could do was nod.

"Well, first things first. Have you done anything that would be considered neglect towards the children?"

"Absolutely not."

"Have you done anything that would put them in any direct danger?"

"No."

"Have you provided ample medical care and covered all monetary issues in regards to the care and well-being of your children?"

"Yes."

Jim folded his hands and leaned back in the chair. I almost wanted to hand him a cigar and a martini. He looked that relaxed.

"So what dirt does she have on you? Or is she just yanking your chain?"

I glanced at him. He didn't seem at all bothered.

"I had a little addiction relapse at the beginning of the year. And I was arrested a week ago for soliciting sex from an undercover cop."

"That's it? Jesus, if kids were taken away from their parents just for that then every single kid in Hollywood would be taken away."

"So you don't think I have anything to worry about?"

Jim tapped the papers. "I don't think we'll even have to go to court."

"Really?"

"Florida law states that grandparents can only attempt to take legal custody of children if the parent or parents relinquish their rights or the rights are forcibly terminated. At the most you're going to get a visit from someone at Child Protective Services. You'll give them a tour of the house and they'll check the twins and they'll send a report to both lawyers and the judge. I'm sure once the judge sees where you live and the type of care you provide that this will be ripped up and laughed at."

I swear to God I could have cupped his face and kissed him. It was the best news I had received in...in I didn't know how long.

Jim stood up and I mimicked the motion. We shook hands and I smiled...really smiled. It felt foreign, but it felt good.

"Thank you Jim."

"Anytime. I'll contact her lawyer and let him know that I'm representing you. And when I find out when a home visit will be I'll call and let you know. Just go home and take care of your kids."

I thanked him again and headed out of the office. I was so happy I felt like singing at the top of my lungs. Instead, I opted to stop by a bakery on the way home and bought a dozen of the largest, gooey-est cupcakes I had ever seen in my life.

Shelby must have been looking out the window when I pulled up. Before I had reached the door, it swung open. Her eyes were perfect round orbs.

"CUPCAKES!" she screamed in delight.

"Cupcakes for everyone!" I answered back with a laugh. I walked past her. The sound of her tap shoes shuffling, skipping, and pirouetting behind me only made my smile grow.

Molly was in the kitchen; it was almost lunchtime. She was smearing peanut butter onto some bread. The bread was mutilated. She couldn't even make PB&J's. I set down the cupcakes. Shelby ran up to the counter. She couldn't see over it, but she wrapped her fingers around the countertop and began to jump up and down.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

"I'm taking it that you got good news?" Molly guessed. She brushed a piece of wayward spiral hair out of her eyes. It sprung right back to where it had come from. I opened the lid and handed a huge purple cupcake down to Shelby. She took it in both hands and held it high in front of her like she had just received a medieval sword. I took a blue cupcake and peeled down the wrapped.

"My lawyer pretty much told me that it's going to be an open and shut issue. I'll have one little home visit and there most likely won't be anything else to worry about. Like I told Ro's mom, she can stick it up her ass."

Molly took a pink cupcake. A huge glob of frosting fell off and clung to her finger. I watched out of the corner of my eye as she brought the finger to her mouth, sucking the sweet sugary frosting off with a long deliberate movement.

Why did I have to buy cupcakes?

"That's great," she said sincerely. I took a bite of my cupcake. I remembered why I had bought them.

They were delicious.

"Hey Mr. J!" Shelby said. She spun around in the kitchen chair and stuck out her tongue. It was completely purple. I laughed.

"You look like Barney."

She squished up her face in confusion. "Who's Barney?"

I looked at Molly. The corners of her mouth twitched.

"Kids don't watch Barney anymore?"

She took a tiny bite of the cupcake. I saw her tongue flick over her teeth to get any of the dye swallowed before stainage occured.

"To be honest, no kid should have ever watched Barney," she said. "I'm pretty sure they killed him off like five or ten years ago. Y'know that whole theory of evolution debate."

I laughed. "Forgot about that. So what are kids watching?"

Molly rolled her eyes. "Spongebob. Obviously cartoon sponges don't need to be replaced every month like normal sponges. And...hmm...the Electric Company."

My eyes lit up. "Really? They had that on when I was a kid."

"I know. It was my favorite show. But it's not quite the same. Except for the blending syllables thing."

"Oh you mean when the man and woman face off? Like this?"

I stood directly in front of her.

"F-" I said.

"Un!" she finished.

"Ti-"

"Ger!"

"Sh-"

"Ock!"

"K-"

"ISS!"

I was expecting her to say 'ite' as in 'kite' or 'ick' as in 'kick.'

Not kiss.

She started to blush; my eyes trailed down to her lips. They were tinted with the pink dye of the frosting. I knew how good that frosting tasted.

I bet it tasted better on those lips. There was a warm silence floating in the air. I leaned towards her. She didn't step back. I was close; I was freckle close...

"Hey mommy, do farts have color? Cause if they do, mine's going to be purple right now."

"SHELBY LYNN!"

The room suddenly smelled like rotten eggs. Even Nick didn't pass gas that potent. I staggered back and covered my nose with my shirt.

"Sk--" I gurgled.

"unk!" Shelby said happily. Molly took her hand and walked out of the room.

I went in search of Lysol.

I couldn't wait to feed her beans and set that bomb off in one of the guy's busses.

It was something to look forward to.

Chapter Nineteen - September 6

Every day since I had met with the lawyer I had expected a phone call about a home visit. So far, nothing. Maybe Ro's mom had decided to crawl back under the rock from which she came from and leave me the hell alone.

Wishful thinking.

Another part of my life that hadn't gone anywhere was Molly. The whole 'kiss' incident was still front and center in my mind, but we were back to just going about our day to day routines. The other day the back of her shirt had lifted just slightly and I could see the dark ink of a tattoo.

She was killing me.

When I had told her that we'd be flying to Kentucky for a few days, Molly had flipped out. In a good way. I actually got a hug. It was nice to have such a curvy body in my arms.

Even if it was only for ten seconds.

Shelby was just as excited. We all left for the airport in the morning in a good mood. Of course, inside I was freaking out.

Ally and Joe were so small. I had gone through every single baby book and webpage I could think of. I was prepared. Hell, I was probably over prepared. But I didn't care. Nothing was going to go down on the flight that I wasn't ready for.

Of course, when flying with Nick Carter, there are some things you can never be prepared for. In the course of just two hours, Brooklyn screamed like a banshee, Noah threw up, and Shelby and Brooke disappeared and ended up flooding the bathroom. Well, Shelby had more to do with the flood than Brooke, but Nick had to hold Brooke on his lap whereas I had been smart and had gotten Shelby her very own seat. By the time we got off the plane, it looked like Nick had pissed his pants.

Brian met us at the terminal and we got everyone loaded into a bus that reminded me of Woodstock. I could just see about twenty hippies piled inside smoking some high quality weed.

I think we were all glad when we arrived at the hotel...if you could call it a hotel. There was only one place to stay outside of picturesque town of Sadieville, Kentucky, population 268. I had more sunglasses than the town had people.

Lame.

The one and only bellhop looked like he was going to pass out from all the bags we had. He put his all into wheeling the cart inside. Nick came up to me as we all headed in.

"Tonight, we're doing Kev's bachelor party," Nick whispered. I frowned. Kevin has specifically told me he wasn't doing a bachelor party.

"He doesn't want one," I whispered back. Nick snickered.

"Okay, well then it's just a party for me. Kev's going to get his hair did tonight."

I rolled my eyes. Nick had been talking about that damn bet with Kevin for months now. I would be so glad when it was finally over and done with. Of course, Nick will probably make another bet with someone else and the whole thing will start all over again.

I've got to admit; I prefer when Nick loses. He doesn't like anyone to talk about it and the rest of us are too mature to keep going on and on about it like he does.

"What time?" I asked.

"Seven."

"What are the girls going to do?"

"I don't know. Watch the kids and talk about us."

Nick and Liv took the first elevator up. When it finally came back down, I headed in with Molly, Shelby, and the babies.

"Are there horses here?" Shelby asked. She was bouncing from one foot to the other. Molly looked at her suspiciously.

"Do you have to pee?"

"Yup! Are there horses here?"

The elevator doors opened onto the fifth floor. Between Bri, Howie, Nick, and myself we had taken the entire fifth floor.

"This is your room," I told Molly. I handed her the keycard and she swiped it. Before she even got the door open, Shelby ran in.

"I can't get my tights off!" she yelped.

I took a carseat from Molly. She gave me an apologetic smile, but I just laughed.

"Sorry," she said. She sprinted off towards the bathroom.

Even though it was a bit of a juggle, I managed to get myself into my room with the carseats. Ally was awake, looking around in her own little quiet, peaceful way. Jonah was fast asleep.

A port-a-crib had been set up in the room. My luggage was in the corner. The first thing I did was reach into a duffel and pull out some Lysol wipes. I was scrubbing down every single inch of the crib when Howie poked his head in.

"I was wondering when you guys would get here. What are you doing?"

I looked up, wipe in hand.

"Germs," I explained.

Howie walked in and knelt down by the car seats. His face lit up in a smile.

"Hey, they're getting big."

Seeing them every day, it was sometimes hard to notice dramatic change, but even I noticed that there faces were becoming rounder.

"Ally weighs thirteen pounds and Joe weighs twelve and a half," I said. "The doctor says they should catch up when they're around a year," I added.

"They're adorable," Howie said. I smiled. He turned and glanced back out into the hallway.

"I saw a redhead chasing a little girl from the vending machine. That the nanny?"

I nodded. "Molly."

Howie grinned. "Nice."

"Did Nick tell you about the thing at seven tonight?" I asked. It was a complete change of subject, but I didn't want to picture Molly running down the hall in my head. If I did, I was going to need a cold shower.

"Yeah," Howie said. He rolled his eyes.

"Does Kev know or is this going to be some kind of surprise?"

"I'm pretty sure he knows. I think he just wants to get this stupid hair thing over and done with."

"Did Nick tell you it's guys only?"

Howie looked surprised. "Really?" He frowned. "That doesn't sound good."

I laughed. "I know. I have a feeling Nick's going to pull something else."

"As long as it doesn't involve me that's fine," Howie said. I thought about the donkey and smiled.

"Don't even say it," Howie warned. He headed towards the door.

After he left, I finished disinfecting the cribs. I was just laying Ally down next to Joe when Molly came into the room.

"Need anything?"

I watched Joe roll over.

"You think he's going to squish her?" I asked. Molly laughed.

"No, it'll be fine. Shelby used to do that to Micah all the time."

I glanced over at her. She hadn't mentioned her son since I first interviewed her. She leaned down and ran her thumb along Ally's cheek.

"What was your husband like?" I asked. I don't know why I asked it; curiosity got the best of me, I guess. Molly kept stroking Ally's face.

"Clint?" she asked it almost like a question, like it had been so long before anyone had even asked "Clint was a great guy. Smart. Funny. Insane. He was almost ten years older than me, but he didn't look his age. He was a high school teacher and coached the girl's track team. All the girls had a crush on him. He played guitar in this little band during the weekends at local bars. Music was his secret passion. He always used to say that Micah was going to grow up and become the next Steven Tyler."

"How'd you meet?"

Molly smiled. Her hand moved over to Jonah and she began to stroke the top of his head. He stretched out as much as his long body would allow and sighed in contentment.

"I was a waitress at one of the bars he played at. I asked him what he wanted to drink and he asked me my name. I told him, got his drink, and didn't think anything about it. Next thing I know he's singing and playing Molly's Lips by Nirvana. I hung out with the guys while they packed up their equipment and I went on a date with him the next night. The rest was history."

She had this little smile playing on her lips; her eyes looked so faraway. After a few seconds she shook her head.

"What about your wife? What was she like?"

I froze. I almost changed the subject, but that didn't seem fair.

"Ro," I said. Just her name brought the emotions to the surface. I took a deep breath. "Ro was basically a female version of me. She cursed like a sailor and she had this crazy off-the-wall energy. I called her my monkee."

I swallowed a rising lump in my throat and continued.

"She was a make-up artist and she did all of these really ecletic things with her hair and clothes. Both of us loved wearing black. She had a special love for red, skulls, and daggers. I guess you could call us mature goths. But, she loved to smile. And when she did it lit up the entire room."

I closed my eyes. I'll be damned if I couldn't picture those eyes lined with black liner, those red lips and those sparkling white teeth that she always used to run her tongue over self-consciously before breaking into a grin.

"How'd you meet?"

"I did a photo shoot and she was working it. She was wearing this little black skirt with dancing skeletons all over it. I complemented her on it and she complemented my shirt. We got into a deep conversation about The Doors and quality porn. I distracted her so much that she accidentally cut her finger. I'd never heard as many 'f-bombs' as she let out. I wrapped a towel around her finger and after she got the blood to stop, I asked her out."

I smiled. "The rest, as you said, was history."

Molly rested her hands on the crib railing. Both Joe and Ally were asleep. I met her gaze. Her eyes reminded me of melted chocolate with little flakes of gold. She had pulled her hair back; I could see the tattoo on her neck. What Shelby had called 'rainy drops' were two tear drops. I had a feeling I knew who those tears were for.

I leaned towards her. I wanted to know what those lips tasted like. She knew how it felt to lose everything and bounce back. I wanted her to teach me. I wanted to live. I was so close; I felt her breath on my own skin. Her lips parted. My hand slid along the railing to cover her own. I closed my eyes. Almost there...

"Hey J, Kev just called and he's grilling burgers for all of us."

I opened my eyes and turned to look at Nick. He had the decency to look sheepish.

"Sorry...just...thought you'd want to know. About...the meat."

He disappeared down the hall. I heard him pounding on another door, probably Howie's.

"I better get Shelby ready. She's watching reruns of Jersey Shore in the other room," Molly said. She took a few steps back. The moment was ruined. Again.

"I'll get Ally and Joe in the carriers," I said. She turned and walked into her room. I bent over, put my forehead against the crib rail, and groaned.

I hoped that with all this suspense, once Molly and I did kiss that it was going to be well worth the wait.

Somehow I already knew the answer was yes.

Chapter Nineteen

If you've ever wondered what a Backstreet barbeque might look like, you wouldn't have had to look any further than Kev's front yard. I can describe the whole entire evening in one word: PANDEMONIUM.

There were almost as many kids as adults. Shelby found a male counterpart in Mason and they ended up screaming just for the fun of screaming on top of a picnic table. There was a massive freakout over hot dogs being made out of real dogs (that theory brought to you by Ms. Shelby, of course) and then all the kids saw Kevin's horse (okay, that sounds damn dirty) and wanted to ride.

By the time Nick announced that there was going to be male bonding happening and that all the girls had to go back to the hotel, I was ready for a little quiet. My ears were ringing and I had eaten so much potato salad that I thought I might actually have to pop the top button on my jeans.

I helped Molly get Ally and Joe in the car. She turned around and smiled.

"Sorry. It gets a little crazy when we're all together," I said. Her eyes crinkled up as her smile widened.

"I have a feeling my daughter added to that." She stuck two fingers in her mouth and a loud whistle ripped through the air. "SHELBY!"

Shelby ran up to the van. She had so much dust and dirt on her that her hair almost looked brown. She turnd around and gave me an adorable smile.

"This is cool Mr. J!"

I laughed. "Glad you're having fun."

After Bri took the bus back to unload the ladies, I was ganged up on. Nick, Kevin, and Howie all had an opinion about 'the nanny.' At least all of their opinions pretty much matched. Even though they didn't come right out and say it, I think they all hinted that I should just go for it. Which I already knew I would. I just didn't need any interruptions (thank you, Nick).

Before we all started to sound like those ladies on The View, the hairdresser arrived for Kev. Once Brian got back, we all headed inside and Nick began to walk around with the videocamera. Kev's hair transformation was a little like watching paint dry. Nick got bored and turned his attention on me.

That was never good.

Somehow I ended up across from Kev in a kitchen chair with Howie standing in front of me as my personal stylist. Everyone insisted my thick beard had to go. Yes, it itched and yes, it probably didn't look well groomed, but...well, at least Howie had the razor. I wouldn't have let Nick within fifty fucking feet of me with a sharp object.

Surprisingly, the more little hairs that fell off, the better I felt. Howie paused halfway through. Brian and Nick had made a bet on who could spit a watermelon seed farther and Howie was the official distance marker. In the end, Brian won and we were all rewarded with watching Nick sing 'Milkshake' in drag. The dude has the hairest belly-button I've ever seen. I'm thinking he should start shaving his chest and stomach again.

After the 'show,' Howie returned to work and Donna, the hairstylist finished up Kev's cornrows. After a little smack down for any loose hairs, Howie stepped back with a smile.

"Much better. Now she'll want to kiss you," Nick said.

"I think she did before. You interrupted us," I said. I glared at him; hoping he would get the point.

Nick just waved carelssly. "Small detail."

Yeah, small detail for him considering he was married to Mrs. Energizer Bunny. They both just kept going...and going...and going...

I sat back and watched Kev humiliate himself by declaring that Nick was supreme and then we all watched the de-rowing and the subsequent haircut. When it was all over Kevin ran his hand through his newly spiked hair and smiled.

"Better. Much better."

"So what's our next bet?" Nick asked. Kevin just looked at him.

"I think we better be getting back," I suggested.

"Yeah, you have a kiss waiting for you," Howie teased.

"What? No kiss for you, How?" Bri asked. Howie pretended to pout.

"They're few and far between."

"Aww." Bri grabbed Howie's face and gave him a big smackeroo right on the lips. Nick started to laugh and Howie ran his mouth over his bare arm so many times that I was pretty sure he was trying to rub his skin off.

"Dude, it's funny when you do it randomly at interviews. Sometimes. But not in Kev's house. That's just wrong."

"I like Boys who like Boys," Nick said with a lisp. Brian turned and batted his eyes.

"Thank you."

I stood up and held out my hand. "Give me the bus keys. Screw you guys, I'm going home."

After a few more stupid comments, we left Kev to clean up the hair in the kitchen and Bri drove back to the hotel. Addy carried a practically unconscious Mason out to the bus and Brian drove her back home.

It was after midnight. I swiped my keycard. As I did, I felt a hand on my back.

"Good luck," Nick whispered. I turned; he was serious.

"She's probably sleeping," I whispered back. Nick shrugged.

"That's never stopped me before."

I rolled my eyes as he continued down the hall. I looked to my left. Howie was swiping his keycard. He gave me a thumbs up. I shook my head. It was like I was freakin' eighteen again and all of us were excited about getting laid as 'celebrities.'

I walked into my room. All was quiet. I stood there for several minutes letting my eyes adjust. I didn't want to turn on the light and risk waking up Ally or Joe.

I stripped off my clothes and crawled into bed in my boxers. I don't know what the guys had expected. Did they think I was going to get back to the room, lock Molly in here with me and then kiss her until she forgot her name?

It was a nice idea...

But it wasn't going to happen.

---------------------------------

During the middle of the night, probably around two o'clock in the morning, the door connecting my room and Molly's opened. The twins were still asleep and I was having trouble falling asleep. I held my breath; light footsteps padded across the room. My back was towards the door. I felt the covers being pulled back and my heart stopped.

I felt a warm breath on my neck. An arm wrapped around me; fingers ran along by bare stomach. I felt the telltale curly red hair on my back as her face leaned over me. I turned my head slightly; her lips met mine without a word. It wasn't just an ordinary kiss; it was a 'fuck me' kiss. I rolled over on my back. My arm reached for her.

She was stark naked. My hands eagerly sought the curves. Her body was banging.

"Now," she whispered. That was it...just now.

Her leg swung over me. She was here...she was real...she was...

I felt something cold on my face. My eyes flew open. It wasn't the middle of the night. It was morning.

And to make matters worse I was face to face with a CLOWN.

Now if there's one big phobia I have, it's clowns. I let out a blood curdling scream and about crapped myself. The clown began to scream too.

"What's going on? Shelby, leave him alone!"

I was clinging to my blankets, practically hiding behind them. Slowly, I looked back at the clown.

It was just Shelby. She wore a huge blue clown wig, red nose, and heavy makeup. She must have got into Molly's lipsticks and junk. She was holding one of those seltzer bottles. That was what had been so cold on my face. Her eyes were huge and I saw big tears threatening to fall. She looked scared.

"I'm sorry," I said gently. "It's okay." I reached out for her but she scampered off the bed, past Molly, and back into the other room. Molly leaned against the doorway. I looked at her apologetically.

"Clowns terrify me," I said sheepishly. She cracked a smile.

"She shouldn't have come into your room."

"No, it's okay. Tell her I'm sorry."

Molly nodded and turned. She paused and looked back at me.

"Hey, AJ?"

I looked over at her. She gave me a thousand-watt smile.

"I like the new look."

She closed the door behind her. I fell back into the pillows. Half of my mind was on the whole clown thing. The other half of my mind replayed my dream.

I needed a shower. Preferrably a cold one.

-------------------------------

By the time I got out of the shower, it was getting late. Molly was on the floor getting Ally and Joe in their carseats. Shelby was blowing huge gum bubbles to entertain them. I watched Joe's eyes cross and widen as the bubble came close. He jumped when the bubble popped right back onto Shelby.

"That was a really good bubble," I said gently. I felt bad about earlier. She looked up at smiled.

"Thanks Mr. J. I'm sorry I clowned you."

"It's okay. I'm sorry I screamed."

Shelby nodded. "You were really loud." She stared at me. "Hey did you know I can see your chin now?"

I touched my face and smiled. "Yup."

"Liv came over and told me that everyone's going down to the hotel restaurant for breakfast. I figured you might want to go."

I nodded. I picked up Ally's carseat.

"Sounds good."

Shelby ran over to the trash and hocked her gum out.

"I want biscuits and gravy!"

Molly and I walked down in unison as Shelby bounced ahead. I caught Molly's eye as the elevator descended. She seemed to study my face a little more intensely than normal.

By the time we made it to the hotel restaurant, a discussion was well underway, led by Liv and Nick.

"What do you mean?"

"The girls and I talked about it and we decided that it's our turn to have some fun. Addy told us they're not doing a wedding rehearsal or dinner so we're going to have a girl's night."

"But--"

"But what?"

I cleared my throat. "Good morning."

Shelby climbed into a chair next to Baylee. She tugged on his sleeve.

"What did we miss?"

As I propped Ally's car seat onto a cradle seat, I couldn't help but laugh. She was something else. Molly locked Jonah into a seat and sat down beside me. I looked over at Nick.

"So what did we miss?"

"The girls are taking Addy out tonight," Brian said. "We're babysitting."

"What?"

Liv smiled. "I watched the footage from last night. You guys had way too much fun. Now it's our turn."

Nick's face was becoming splotchy. I raised an eyebrow.

"You watched the footage?"

"She didn't just watch the footage," Nick said. "She broke it up into clips and posted it on the website."

Howie was grinning ear to ear. "Including the Milkshake clip."

I burst out laughing. Liv put her hand on Nick's arm.

"I thought it was adorable."

Nick just continued to pout.

"Molly, you need to come with us," Leighanne added. Molly shook her head.

"No, I---"

"What? Doesn't AJ give you a day off?" Leigh asked. "That's slave labor."

I glanced over at Molly. While all the other guys looked panicked, I couldn't help but think that Leigh had a point.

"You should get out," I suggested. She looked at me in surprise. I saw her look over at Shelby.

"I'll watch Shelby," I added. She looked doubtful.

"Leigh's right. OSHA is going to come arrest me if you don't take a day off."

"Out of all the guys at this table, AJ's the only one encouraging fun," Liv said to Molly. "For the love of God, take him up on the offer."

Molly laughed. "Well, I guess that would be nice. We had fun last night..."

"That was kid fun," Leighanne said. "It's time for girl fun."

"Sex in the City," Howie mumbled. Leigh jabbed him in the side.

"Sex in the Country," Nick amended. Bri laughed until Leigh shot him a look.

"So it's settled," Liv said. "We'll go get Addy at four."

"Who's going to drive the bus?" I asked. I figured Brian wasn't going to be chauffeur.

"I'm going to drive," Leigh said. Howie looked at her in surprise. She gave him a look. If I was How, I wouldn't even dare piss off a woman with that stare. He seemed to be thinking the same thing; I watched him back down.

As our waitress came up to take orders for juice and coffee, I glanced over at Molly. I had an ulterior motive for giving her the night off. I knew the girls at this table well. They were basically counterparts of the guys. I had a feeling there would be alcohol and debauchery.

Two things that would guarantee that all the guys would get laid once the girls stumbled home.

Which meant I'd be in the clear to finally get my kiss.

Score.

Chapter Twenty

By the time that Addy's dad walked through the door of Kevin's house, the guys and I had just endured the unspeakable. I used to think that the worst thing that ever happened to us was our bus almost being tipped over by crazy South American fans.

WRONG.

The worst thing that ever happened to us was five women leaving all of the Backstreet offspring in the hands of us. Not only did I have my hands full with Ally and Joe, but I also was responsible for Shelby. After she dropped a huge balloon of horse shit on Kevin's head followed by a water balloon, I had to step in.

She had spent a long time in the corner. I felt like crap punishing her. She wasn't my daughter. Yet, I had a feeling Molly would have done the same thing. Plus, Shelby's cohort Mason was in another corner pouting so I figured a litte time-out was fair.

I think out of all of us, Brian and Nick were the most exhausted. The dumbasses had forgotten their diaper bags and both girls crapped at the same time. Nick then had Noah crying in the playpen. He was trying to be everywhere at all times and it just wasn't working.

I was actually relieved when the two old ladies and Addy's pop arrived. All five of us walked outside only to be told that there were five ladies on top of the watertown right here in Hicksville.

One guess who those five were.

We left the kids in good hands (probably better hands then they had been in all day) and took off for the water tower. I saw the five shadowy figures the moment we pulled up.

Kevin started to climb up first; I was right behind him.

"Guys, maybe we should just tell them to come down," Brian said quietly.

Nick was standing by Brian. Both of them were terrified of heights.

"If they're drunk, they'll fall of the tower if we don't go up and help," I whispered. Brian stuck his hands in his pockets.

"Yeah but there shouldn't be ten of us on that walk," Brian said. He was sounding squeaky.

"Then you two stay down here," Howie said. I started to follow Kev up.

About halfway up there was a loud creak.

"Kev!" Brian screamed. I was pretty sure he pissed himself.

Bri's scream was followed by a lot of giggling.

"It's OUR boys!"

"Hi boys!"

"Watch out!"

Kevin scrambled up onto the wooden walk. I followed. The girls were all sitting or leaning against the tower.

"Hey girls," Kev said.

Addy looked over and burst into tears. The other girls looked like we had just burst their big fun bubble.

"We're going to get you guys down before you fall," I said.

"Fuck falling," Molly said. My dick jumped. She was standing there with a bottle in her hand, her hair flying around wildly in the night air and all I could think about was how fuckable she looked.

It took a few minutes before Kev finally convinced Leighanne to come down. He descended and Howie and I were left with the other girls.

"Is Nicky down there?" Liv said. She was clinging to the water tower. Maybe I was just feeling incredibly horny, but even her little black dress was getting to me.

"He is. You want to go say hi?" I said. She nodded and stumbled towards me. I caught her and led her to the stairs. I kept a respectable distance even while trying to make sure she descended safely. I didn't need Nick and I to get into another fight.

"And here's yours," I said to Nick as we got to the ground. Nick stepped forward.

There was a lot of stumbling, falling, and laughter. I waited just long enough for Howie to come down with Leigh before I scrambled back up. When I got to the top, Kevin was ready to head down with Addy.

That left Molly.

She was sitting on the walk. She tipped her head back and sucked out of the bottle.

"Ready to go down?"

She looked at me and laughed. The wind picked up her hair again. I smiled.

"Did you have fun today?"

"I did. I--" she stumbled to her feet. "did!"

I walked towards her hand held out my hand.

"Tell me all about it when we get down," I said.

"I'm not drunk," she said as I lowered myself onto the ladder. I held my hands out, ready to catch her, as her feet hit the top rung. Slowly we began to descend.

"That's good," I said. I watched her carefully. I would be glad when we were done with the water tower. Even though heights didn't freak me out, I didn't like that old wood platform.

When we got to the ground, Molly gave a little jump, almost to prove that she wasn't drunk. She had insisted on bringing down the liquor bottles.

"We're not gonna litter," she explained to me. She took another step forward and stumbled.

So much for that 'not drunk' theory. My arms went around her waist to hold her up.

"What are we going to do with you?" I heard Howie ask Leigh. She was patting down his shirt as if she was playing a game of Whack-a-Mole.

"I bought leather handcuffs," she blurted out. "Red. And a whip."

I glanced over at Nick. Liv had rolled over onto her back. Modesty had flown out the window. She looked up at Nick and just started to giggle. He looked like he wanted to strip her down right then and there.

"What did you guys do today?" he asked huskily.

"Molly Molls got a lap dance," Liv said.

It suddenly felt like the middle of summer. My hands tightened around her waist. I liked what Liv had called her -- 'Molly Molls.' I was struggling to hold her up. Gravity seemed to be a problem for her at the moment. She put a finger to her lips. "Shhhhhhh..."

"We went to a porn store," Leighanne added. She looked at Bri. "I've got to...I've got to go to confession."

Brian looked at her.

"Did you buy anything?" he finally asked.

"We all bought toys," Liv whispered. "They're in the bus."

I couldn't help it; I looked at the bus. I think the other guys did too. I was a big fan of porn stores; hence, I was a big fan of toys.

"I bought a vibrator and I don't even know how it works!" Addy wailed. "And did you know they have crotchless panties?"

I started to laugh but Molly backed up to me and I suddenly had her ass in my groin. It was no laughing matter.

"What are we going to do?" Howie finally asked.

"I know what we can do," Leigh blurted. She said something in Spanish...I think.

"I'll take Liv back to Kev's and watch the kids tonight," Nick offered. "If that's alright with you, Kev."

"That's fine. I think Addy's ready for bed. Right, sweetheart?" Kev said. He was brushing away her tears.

I looked at Nick in surprise. I had never seen him turn down the opportunity for sex before. I was impressed and grateful. But as nice as Molly felt against me, I still had two, make that three, top priorities on my mind.

"Ally and Joe..." I said.

"We can handle it," Nick assured me. I frowned.

"Shelby..." I added. Molly lifted her head. She turned in my arms. Suddenly there was boobs to chest and my heart stopped. Her lips were right there. She started shaking her head.

"Shelby's never seen me...me..me drunk," she said in a loud whisper. Her eyes looked panicked even through the inebriation. I nodded and brushed a piece of hair out of her eyes.

"Okay, okay." I glanced back over at Nick.

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"Positive," he said. "I have a little experience dealing with a preemie."

I didn't argue. All of us got our girls up in the bus and Brian drove us back to the hotel. Kevin and Nick wheeled my port-a-crib out.

And then...we were alone.

Just me and Molly.

She was holding the bag from the porn store. She stumbled over to the bed and sat down. I opened my mouth, but before I could say anything, her head went - whap! - right down between her legs. Her long red hair spiraled to the floor.

"Are you going to throw up?" I asked. She shook her head no.

I slid my hands in my pockets. Unlike Brian and Howie who no doubt had their wives already naked, I was treading towards unchartered territory.

All I wanted was one fucking kiss. That's it.

Suddenly, I saw Molly fall back on the bed. My bed. She brought the bag up with her and began to take out the contents. It was almost as if she had forgotten I was standing right there. All of a sudden I had a vibrator, massage oil, and the most scrumptious thong I had ever seen in my entire life laying right there.

It was suddenly hard to swallow. I took a couple steps towards the bed. She looked over at me. Her beautiful soft brown eyes were swimming in tears.

Aw, crap.

"I'm tired of Mr. Wonderful," she said sadly. I had no fucking clue who Mr. Wonderful was but I was betting that I was a thousand times better than he was. She picked up the vibrator and stroked it. I wished she wouldn't do that.

"It's not the same when I do it," she mumbled.

Thoughts of a kiss were quickly turning into something more. I sat down on the edge of the bed. I picked up the thong.

"This is nice," I said quietly. She clumsily sat up and took it. Our eyes met.

"Did you really get a lap dance?" I asked.

"I've got a thing for musicians," she replied. She bunched the panties up in her hand.

"I'm a musician," I said. My voice sounded strangled.

"You're my boss," she said.

"Not tonight. You have the night off."

That thought seemed to chug through her liquored brain. She slowly smiled.

"Oh yeah."

I turned slightly on the bed. Victory was almost mine. Slowly my fingers stretched out and ran down the side of her face. Her skin was smoother than I had even imagined. Her eyes fluttered closed; her lips parted. I was so close...

"I'm..." she whispered. I felt her pull away. She turned, but she did it too quickly. She fell right off the damn bed. Her arms wrapped around the wastebasket and she heaved.

"Better," she moaned.

I ran a hand down my face and tried not to sigh. I heard her heave again. Slowly I slid off the bed and pulled her hair back. A tsunami of disappointment flooded my body.

I couldn't kiss her. Not tonight. And it wasn't just because of the puke.

I didn't want the first kiss to be fueled by alcohol.

I wanted it to mean something.

I wanted it to mean the world.

Chapter Twenty One

I spent half the night pressing a cold wet cloth to Molly's forehead. Somewhere around four a.m. I must have fallen asleep.

I woke up to a face full of hair. At first I was confused. Then the events of last night came rushing back to my mind.

Molly was still asleep. I took my arms from around her and got up. I showered and got dressed. I figured that Nick and Kev would probably be ready to get all the kids back to their parents. I knocked on Howie and Leigh's door. It took a couple seconds, but the door opened and there stood Howie. He was still in his boxers.

"I think I'm going to go pick up the kids," I said. "Are you ready?"

Howie rubbed his face and turned around. When he looked back he was grinning.

"Yeah, we're ready."

I moved on to Brian's door. I knocked once. Twice. Finally on the third knock, the door opened barely a sliver.

"Yeah?"

"Bri, I'm going to pick up the kids. Are you ready?"

"Uh....."

His face disappeared. Leighanne's face appeared in the doorway.

"We're going to need another hour. Or two."

I had no fucking clue what those two were doing, but I had a feeling that they were going to have to say a whole lot of Hail Mary's.

"I'll keep Baylee and Kay with me," I said. Leigh flashed a smile. "Thanks!"

The door closed.

I walked back to my room and gently nudged Molly. She opened one beautiful chestnut eye.

"I'm going to go pick up Shelby and the babes," I said quietly. "You okay?"

She sat up and tried to smooth down her hair. It was an impossible task. She glanced at the clock.

"Yeah. Oh my god, I did't know it was so late. Or early."

I laughed. "Don't worry about it. I'll call you and let you know when we're in the parking lot. You can meet us in the lobby."

By the time I got to Kev's, Nick and Liv were ready to go. We got all the kids loaded up and we headed back to the hotel. Molly, Howie and Leigh met us in the lobby. Shelby quickly ran to Molly. I doubt the poor kid had ever spent the night away from her mom before.

"Baylee, you and Kay can hang out with us for awhile," I said. I picked up Joe and Ally's car seats. Nick glanced over at me in confusion.

"Where's Bri?"

I smirked.

"Later."

I got Baylee, Kay, and Shelby settled in front of the TV with an old episode of Hannah Montana. While they were preoccupied, I checked Joe and Ally over carefully. They were perfect. I kissed their little stomachs and felt my heart jump as they both smiled at me. Ally's little arms even reached out for me.

It was like Ro was reaching out to me through her.

That was a nice thought.

-------------------------

Kevin and Addy's wedding was beautiful, but I couldn't help but think back to my own wedding. It seemed so long ago, but in reality it would have only been two years at the end of October.

Ro had left this earth way too soon.

After the ceremony and a minor incident involving Shelby chucking a whole hard bag of birdseed at Kev's head, we ate dinner. Then the happy couple had their first dance.

Molly watched Addy and Kevin with her chin cupped in her hands. A little smile played around her lips. The lips I had almost gotten to kiss.

"Did you enjoy the trip?" I asked. She laughed softly.

"I did."

Towards the end of the evening, Kevin pulled us guys aside.

"I want to serenade the girls," he said.

"You do realize that you're going to get lucky tonight without having to score brownie points, right?" I asked. Kev laughed.

"I know I don't need brownie points," he said lightly. "But some might not hurt you."

He had a point. We lined up five chairs. Kev sat Addy in the middle seat. She beamed at him.

"There's a seat for you," I told Molly. She looked at me.

"Me? Why?"

I smiled. "Because I don't want to sing to a folding chair."

Molly looked around. Shelby and Mason were huddled under a picnic table, their heads bent together.

"She's staying out of trouble," I assured her. I didn't believe it for one minute, but if it got her into the chair...

It got her in the chair. I grabbed a wireless mic and leaned towards Howie.

"What are we singing?"

"Back at One. Brian McKnight."

It was like we were on Don't Forget the Lyrics again. I wracked my brain hoping that I could remember all the words.

Once the music started, I didn't have to worry about it. The words floated to my mind. Nick sang to Liv like it was 1980 and he was the lead singer of Poison. It kind of reminded me of that one video we did, Just Want You to Know. That was the LAST time Nick got to plan a video.

After awhile I had to block Nick completely out of my mind. I sank down next to Molly and stared up at her.

That was probably a big mistake. Her words from the night before rang in my ears - 'I have a thing for musicians.' She was staring at me like I was a piece of filet mignon.

I don't remember a lot about finishing the song. All I know is that the music stopped, Molly took my hand, I got off my knees and followed her like a puppy dog.

We headed behind the church. Molly looked around. It's weird, but at that moment I could see where Shelby got her spur of the moment-ness, er, her randomness. Molly tested the door to a small little storage shed. There was a padlock. She dropped my hand, knelt down, yanked a bobby pin from her head, and within sixty seconds the door was open.

I was officially turned on.

I followed her into the shed. We didn't say anything; there didn't seem to be a reason for words.

Little slivers of light stole through the cracks in the old boards. Everything smelled slightly damp...earthy.

My arms went around her waist at the same time her arms went around my neck. I couldn't see her eyes and I knew she couldn't see mine. All I could hear was the sound of my own breathing in my ears.

It started off as almost an experiment. Her lips felt like butter against my own. She took a step closer to me; my hands pressed against her hip bone. I deepened the kiss, drawing her into me.

I think it's a bunch of bullshit when women sit around and talk about all of that cupid, fireworks crap. But, I have to admit, this bordered on fireworks.

Her mouth opened just slightly and I took the opportunity to probe into the depths of her mind. I low gutteral moan rose from her throat. Her chest pressed into mine. Slowly my hands started to slide up her body.

I've felt up my fair share of women in my life. I can tell with one squeeze whether I'm dealing with plastic or the real deal. My hands slid up her sides and my right hand took the plunge on squeezed her breaast. Molly was the real deal.

At the exact moment that my hand met her boob, her leg slid between mine. It wasn't a 'knee to the groin for touching my tits' action. It was a 'let me brush against your balls and give you a raging hard on' action. And that's exactly what happened.

Unlike doing things in a closet where you walk in knowing exactly what tools you have to aid you (rods, benches, etc.), I had no clue what wsa in the shed with us. I came up for air and took a tentative step. Molly pulled me in the other direction.

"Tack bench," she whispered. I had no fucking clue what a tack bench was, but any bench was good.

The bench was against the right wall of the shed. She placed her hands on my chest and I went down on it, my back hitting the wall. The whole shed seemed to shake.

Molly's hands went to my shoulders and with a slow precision that would make any man wind up in a puddle of drool, she straddled my waist. My heart pounded in excitement. I didn't know whether I was just going to get another mind-blowing kiss or...something more. My hands ran up her back and tangled into the bottom of her hair. She kissed me hard and pressed down against me.

There was way too many clothes separating us. Her hand tugged at my tie. After playing with her hair, my hands grabbed the bottom of her shirt. I wanted to feel skin against skin.

And that more than likely would have happened. Unfortunately just as I was getting ready to pull her shirt up and over her head, the shed door swung open.

Our secret hiding place had been discovered.

Chapter Twenty Two

"I think dere's a ghost in here."

"I ain't afwaid of no ghosts."

"Do you think this is God's playhouse?"

"If it is, he keeps it real dirty. My mommy wouldn't like it."

The two little voices of Shelby and Mason were unmistakable. I opened my mouth, but Molly slapped her hand over my mouth. I knew she did it so that I wouldn't say anything, but I also found it incredibly kinky. We sat there for several tense moments. I could almost hear Molly's heart racing. I heard Mason and Shelby's little footsteps in the packed dirt. They were coming closer. I couldn't believe the rotten luck. I was sitting on a bench with a boner and these kids wanted to play house.

As if it couldn't get worse, the door opened again. Kev's mom poked her head in.

"Mason Richardson are you in here?"

Even though we hadn't been discovered yet, I could see Mason and Shelby fairly well. Shelby crouched down, tugged Mason down and covered his mouth with her hand.

Hmph. Like mother like daughter.

Fortunately, two little kids can't keep quiet for long. And Kev's mom had patience. Barely a full minute passed before Shelby started whispering. Kev's mom pushed aside a big bag of mulch and spotted them. I pressed farther back into the wall.

"Mason, why didn't you answer me?"

"We were playing hide and seek!" Shelby piped up. That little shit didn't seem to know fear.

"Well, play it outside. Lord knows what's in this shed." Kev's mom looked around; her face was wrinkled in disgust.

I had to stifle a snort. If she only knew...

As the door swung closed and I heard the loud sound of two rambunctious kids outside the shed, Molly's hand dropped from my mouth. She sighed. I almost whined when she stood up.

"I'm sorry," she said. She started to back up. It was like a cold shower. My tie flapped around my neck.

"Sorry?" I said.

"I shouldn't...I wouldn't..." she said. She took another breath.

"I can't be doing this."

"But, you do it well," I protested. I saw her fingers go to her lips as if the pressure of my lips on hers was still there.

"I can't do this to Shelby," she said quietly.

"What? What can't you do?"

I stood up and took a step towards her; she took a step back.

"You don't know how much I want to do this AJ," she said quietly. "But you're my boss and you're giving Shelby and me a roof over our heads. If this," she made a motion between the two of us. "doesn't work out, then I'm hurting her."

I didn't know how to respond. I just stood there dumb-faced as she smoothed out her dress and walked out of the shed.

I stumbled back to the tack bench and sat there for several minutes.

The thought of not kissing Molly again was like torture. It was almost worse than having not kissed her at all. Now that I knew what it felt like...

"J?"

I looked up. Brian poked his head in.

"Hey, why are you hiding? Nick left Brooke and Noah with me and Howie's watching your two. Are you going to stay in here all night?"

I stood up and slid my tie into my pocket.

"I'm coming," I said. "I just needed some fresh air."

Brian took a big whiff. "Oh yeah, this is yummy air. Mold ala manure."

I just shook my head. We headed back to the yard. The party was quickly wrapping up. Mason seemed to be throwing a minor hissy fit. Shelby stood by him, hands on hips, glaring at Kev's mom like it was all her fault.

"You ready to pack everybody up?" Howie said. I nodded.

My flight back to Tampa was scheduled for noon the next day. I just hoped that Molly might change her mind about the whole 'can't do this' thing after a good night's sleep.

After a short, but noisy bus ride, we all arrived back at the hotel. Everyone unloaded kids and we piled into the lobby. All I wanted to do was put Ally and Joe to bed and lock myself into the bathroom. I was going to take Nick's advice about my hand and a copy of Playboy.

Then hopefully I would be able to sleep.

But something told me that was just wishful thinking.

-------------------------------

September 9

"Good morning."

"Morning."

Ally and Joe had both began to fuss around the same time. I had been up a couple times during the night. I have a feeling they picked up on my stress. Especially Joe. I think I was up every two hours just to walk the room with him.

At six o'clock on the dot, Molly had walked in. It was morning feeding time. She had picked up Ally and walked across the room to make the bottle. I held Joe and watched her walk. She even made walking look good.

As we sat across from each other, both holding a hungry baby, I studied her face. She looked tired.

"How'd you sleep?" I asked. She looked up at me and then quickly back down.

"Okay,"

"That's bullshit."

The corners of her mouth twitched.

"True. I didn't sleep."

We faded back off into silence. Molly had just stood with Ally in her arms when Shelby burst into the room. She was like a constant tornado. I secretly looked forward to seeing her wardrobe every morning. This morning was no exception.

She was wearing bellbottoms, a paint smock, a beret, and long fancy silk gloves that went way up past her elbows. She headed right to me.

"Mr. J!"

"What's up kiddo?"

She put her little hands on my knees and peered right into my face.

"We've got to wescue Mason," she said seriously. I looked down at her and tried my damndest not to laugh.

"Rescue Mason? He's with his grandma."

Shelby made a face. "She's grouchy."

I had a feeling Kev's mom looked grouchy because Ms. Shelby had talked Mason into going into that shed.

"Honey, leave AJ alone this morning," Molly said softly. Shelby turned around.

"Mommy..." she whined.

I ruffled her hair and smiled.

"You know what? When we get home I'll let you call Mason's grandma's house and you can talk to him. How bout that?"

She seemed to think about it. She tipped her head and her beret almost slipped off her head. Finally she smiled.

"Okay!"

She skipped back into the other room, happy as a clam.

If only I could make her mommy that happy with a few words.

"Thank you."

I looked up. Molly was hovering over the crib. She was smiling softly.

"For what?"

"For humoring her," she said. I laughed.

"She humors me," I corrected. I stood up and put Joe in the crib. My hand brushed against her arm.

"Moll, last night..."

She shook her head. "Let's not talk about it right now."

She straightened up and headed to the other room. I stared down at Ally and Joe. Joe was staring at me with curious eyes. I leaned down.

"McLean men don't have a good track record with women," I whispered. "Remember that."

He broke into a big smile. Then he rolled over. And back. He was a flipping machine.

I couldn't help but think it must be nice to be that little and innocent. I looked over at Ally. She was watching Joe carefully. With a sigh that was way too big for a little babe so small, she rolled over.

I let out a gasp. It was better late than never.

And it just proved that imitation was the best form of flattery.

Now if only I could imitate, er reenact, that kiss from last night...

Chapter Twenty Three - October 4

"Nu-uh."

"Nu-uh."

"BWHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"

I had created a monster when I told Shelby that she could call Mason. Every night around six o'clock, she followed me like a little puppy dog with her eyes on my cellphone. She knew Kev's speed dial by heart. She would walk around the room jabbering excitedly for about twenty minutes until Molly or I cut her off.

"It's almost been a month," I said one night. "How can two kids have so much to talk about?"

"I think it's cute. Shelby's never had a friend before," Molly would say.

And that's what kept me giving up my phone for the nightly ritual.

Since coming back from Kentucky, Molly and I had fallen back into a regular pattern. There were times, especially when Shelby and the babies were asleep, that we would look at each other and I would feel the sparks. But then she would turn away and those sparks would fizzle out like the last few seconds of a dying fire.

This morning started off like any other. Joe had rapidly gone from rolling over to sitting a week after we got back from Kentucky. I daresay that crawling was next on the agenda. In the last week, he had begun to babble to himself. Sometimes he rambled on so fast that he reminded me of a crackhead...a very adorable crackhead. I watched him greedily drink down his bottle. Each day I could see him catching up to where he was supposed to be. I think back now to his tiny little form, hooked up to all those wires, and I feel like we've finally reached the end of a very long, emotional journey.

And then there was Ally. She wasn't babbling, but she had managed to sit up. In the last two weeks, Molly had begun to work on baby sign language. Ally would watch her intently, but so far there was no repetition. She was watching Joe and drinking her bottle as if she was bored with the whole thing. Her whole little facial expression reminded me of Ro. I leaned down and kissed her forehead. I felt her little fingers brush against my chin.

I was so wrapped up in morning kitchen feedings that I ignored the ringing of the phone. Of course, there was one person in the house that could never ignore a phone.

"Mr. J!" Shelby yelled. I heard monstrous footsteps on the staircase and then she flew into the kitchen.

She had on soccer cleats, a ball gown, and one of those triangular paper restaurant hats. She held out the phone to me.

"IT'S FOR YOU!"

Joe dropped his bottle and stared at Shelby. He had gotten past the point of being startled by her. Now I think he was just immune to her antics. I took the phone. Shelby skipped by me, went right up to Joe's chair and gave him a kiss on the nose. He broke into a big smile. Shelby twirled around and around and around and fell down. Ally smiled.

"Hello?"

"Alex, this is Jim."

I had to think about it before I could place the name. Then I rememebered. It had been so long I had almost forgotten about the whole issue with Ro's mom.

"Hi Jim. What's up?"

"Well, I just heard from Child Protective Services. I know this is extremely last minute, but your home visit is scheduled for today."

"Today?"

I looked around. There were dishes everywhere. Shelby's finger painted pictures hung sloppily all over the fridge. I had a tent city in my living room. I hadn't cleaned up dog shit in weeks.

Fuck.

"I'm sorry. I would have let you know sooner, but I guess they just decided to do a pop-in visit."

I took a deep breath. "That's fine. Do you know what time?"

"I don't. I--"

The doorbell rang. I closed my eyes.

"I've got to go Jim. Thanks."

I closed my cellphone. Shelby had picked herself up and was quickly spinning in circles again.

"Shelby can you go get your mom?"

She paused, mid-turn. "Why?"

"I need her to clean the upstairs as fast as possible."

Shelby wrinkled her nose. "That doesn't sound fun."

The doorbell rang again.

"Please?"

Shelby stood where she was. I did not need her to argue with me. Come to find out, she wasn't. She cupped her hands around her mouth.

"MOM! CLEAN THE UP-TAIRS!" she bellowed. Joe started to cry. That amount of screaming was too much even for him. I scooped him and Ally up and made my way to the door. I managed to turn the knob, albeit clumsily and open the door with my foot.

I was wearing a ratty Jim Morrison shirt and Jim Beam pajama pants. I stared out at a no-nonsense lady that looked like she was part hawk. She peered at me through small lenses.

"Mr. McLean?"

I nodded. "Yes. Come in," I said. I took a step back. She didn't take her eyes off me as she opened the door and slipped through.

"I'm Lois Terhell from Child Protective Services. I've been asked to do a home study."

I licked my lips. "Oh, that's fine. My casa, su casa."

She gave me a look and brushed past me. I closed my eyes.

I was so screwed.

I followed her into the kitchen. The remnants of breakfast were on the table. The baby bottles were laying on the floor. Shelby had disappeared.

"You caught us in the middle of breakfast," I said. Ally started to slip a little. I bounced her back up onto my nonexistant hip. That was why God gave women hips. I don't think the guy upstairs had initially planned on mother-less children when he was laying out our design.

Ms. Hell, as I will call her from this point forward, made a couple notes on her chart. She turned around.

"Let's proceed."

I led her reluctantly into the living room. I had sheets and sleeping bags draped over chairs and couches. Ms. Hell raised an eyebrow.

"My nanny's daughter," I explained feeling silly. "She likes to make tent cities and..."

Ms. Hell seemed to be ignoring me. She walked around the architectural nightmare. Finally she stopped. I saw her lift a corner of a sheet.

"TROLL! TROLL!"

As if things couldn't get any worse, Shelby sprung out from under the sheet holding that damn seltzer bottle and a club. Ms. Hell stumbled back.

"SHELBY LYNN!"

Molly rounded the corner of the living room. She had a duster in one hand and what looked like a vaccum attachment in the other. She shook the duster; dust flew everywhere. Shelby looked at her and dropped the club.

"Upstairs. Now," Molly said. Her face was beat red.

I cleared my throat. Joe had begun to drool and my arm was getting soaked. Ally was slowly sliding down again.

"Molly, this is Ms. H--Ms. Terhell from Child Protective Services. Ms. Terhell, this is my nanny, Molly."

Molly dropped the duster and attachment and held out a hand. Ms. Hell shook her hand and then stared at the little dust particles all over her finger. Molly looked at me wide-eyed. Then she looked at Ally and Joe. She came over and took Ally from me. I picked up Joe and held him against my chest. He stuffed two fingers in his mouth and sighed.

The rest of the visit didn't go much better. Molly had done her best to do an emergency sweep of the nursery and the bathroom, but we still had daily items that ended up in the wrong place. And then there was Shelby's upstairs artwork. She had snuck downstairs one night two weeks ago and caught an episode of CSI that Molly and I were watching. Since then, she had found enjoyment in painting dead bodies.

"Well," Ms. Hell said as we finally made our way back downstairs. "Before I go, may I hold the babies?"

It was right on the tip of my tongue to say 'fuck off, old hag,' but I swallowed it back down. Molly held out Ally.

"That's Alexis," I said.

"Oh, I believe she's deaf?" Ms. Hell said. I nodded.

"She'll be able to get cochlear implants after her first birthday," I explained.

"Until then, what are you doing?"

"I've just begun to introduce infant sign language," Molly said. Ms. Hell zeroed in on her.

"And you've had experience in doing that?"

Molly smirked. Ms. Hell wasn't going to get under her skin that easily.

"My daughter became nonverbal for a year. I took a couple courses and worked with her. It's a wonderful thing even for babies that can hear. I plan on working with Joe as well."

Ms. Hell turned to me. I tapped Joe's leg.

"This is Joe," I said dumbly.

"I see that," Ms. Hell said coldly.

I was pretty sure that nothing about this visit was going to go well when a miracle occured. Ally, who was still in Ms. Hell's arms, placed a hand on her old shriveled face. Ms. Hell turned to look at her and Ally made the sign for milk.

I'm pretty sure the old hag had a heart attack. I grinned.

"She's catching on very well," I said smoothly.

"I...see."

After another five long and torturous minutes, I closed the door behind her. I pressed my head up against the door. Joe laughed.

"That didn't go so bad," Molly said hesitantly.

"Shelby called her a troll and almost hit her with a club," I said. I turned my head; we looked at each other.

We both started to laugh.

"Am I not in twouble anymore?"

Shelby peeked around the banister. I knelt down and balanced Joe on my lap. I opened my arms. Shelby was a helluva lot like me. You just couldn't change who she was.

"C'mere, kid." I said. She beamed and ran to me. I hugged her tightly.

"I love you, Mr. J," she said in a loud whisper. I smiled.

"I love you too, kiddo," I whispered back. Shelby pulled away, gave me a loud smacking kiss on the cheek and skipped back to her tent city. I looked up.

Molly was holding Ally and staring at me with the most unusual look on her face I had ever seen. I couldn't tell whether it was a good look or a bad look or...

There was about ten steps separating us. I stood up. Before I could open my mouth to ask what was wrong, she cleared those ten steps. Suddenly we were nose to nose. I was staring into those beautiful brown eyes and my heart was pounding and Joe was drooling...

And then she kissed me. Just like the night in the shed.

Only better.

Chapter Twenty Four

Ever since the day that Molly kissed me, the world had suddenly become a lot more colorful. And my lips had suddenly become a lot less lonely.

I confirmed my suspicion that the world was finally righting itself a couple days after the visit from Ms. Hell. The phone rang while I was finger painting with Shelby. I was trying to show her that she could paint something other than decapitated heads. I wiped my hands on a towel and picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

"AJ, this is Jim."

I leaned back against the wall. I was being cautiously optimistic.

"Hi, Jim. Anything new?"

"I just received a phone call from Child Protective Services."

I closed my eyes. "And?"

"Mrs. Terhell reported that, while the house is a little chaotic, Alexis and Joe are being well taken care. Their emotional and physical needs are being met and you are more than financially capable to continue to give them the best care possible."

To sum up all the rest of the legal-ese that Jim began to spew, the conclusion was that Ro's mom could hop on her broom and take a one-way trip to hell. There was no need for me to do anything else. The visit from the hawk lady had proved that I could successfully take care of my kids.

Of course, Molly had a lot to do with that.

We had gone out to celebrate the night that I received the good news. Just me and Molly...and three kids. Completely romantic, I tell you.

Shelby had gone all out for the occasion. She had on huge clip-on earrings, fake diamond studded reading glasses, a purple feather boa, and a bright pink ball gown. To top it all off she carried a small silvery purse.

I felt like I was taking a five year old to prom.

And then there was Molly. She wore the same dress that she had worn to Kev's wedding. The same dress that had slid up onto my lap...until we had been so rudely interrupted.

We ended up at this little Italian place that had low lighting and soft music. Shelby seemed to sense this was not the type of place to throw wadded up straw wrapped in the air and announce it was snowing. She placed a napkin on her lap and folded her hands very lady-like on the table. Molly glanced at me; we smiled.

"You've got to tell me," I said as we ordered drinks. "Where did you get all of Shelby's...clothes?" I figured if I said costumes that Shelby would rip me a new one.

Molly laughed. "I made the outfits. Some of the little accessories are from when I was a kid."

I looked at her in surprise. "You made them?"

She blushed. I loved when she blushed. "Yeah, I love to sew."

"Mom's the best sew-ster!" Shelby added enthusiastically.

"You know," I said lightly. "I haven't mentioned anything about your ninety day trial period."

Molly looked at me in surprise. "Ohh--"

I smiled and reached out to cover her hand with mine.

"Let's just say I want you to stay," I said softly.

"Ew, are you gonna kiss again?"

Molly looked over at Shelby in surprise. We had tried our best to keep our little kisses out of sight.

"When have you seen us kiss?" Molly asked.

Shelby made a face. She took a big sip of her drink as if she needed energy to answer the question. Her little glasses slipped down her nose. She pushed them back up.

"Like all the time," she said. Her nose wrinkled. "Boys have cooties."

"What about Mason?"

Shelby looked at me like I had just insulted her.

"Mason would never try to kiss me," she said. "That's gross."

I laughed. The mind of a five year old was so damn cute.

"Well, do you mind if I kiss your mom?" I asked.

Shelby seemed to think a little longer about that. I heard her feet hitting her wooden chair as she swung them back and forth. Finally she shook her head.

"If mom wants cooties, go ahead," she declared with a sweep of her hand.

"Shelby, AJ doesn't have cooties," Molly said. She sounded like she was trying hard not to laugh. Shelby folded her arms and just shook her head.

It was a little weird knowingly kissing in front of a five year old, but after a few seconds that's exactly what we did.

-----------------------------------

October 16

I woke up early to head the studio. After the Chuck E. Cheese incident from yesterday in which Shelby told some woman she had a fat ass and Nick got stuck in a huge plastic Barney, we had unanimously voted to have one day without any extended family in the studio. Making sure Nick didn't do anything stupid was a full-time job in and of itself.

I stood at the counter chugging some coffee and Molly feed Alexis and Joe. Alexis finished first and looked at Joe. She stared at him with so much intensity that it seemed like she was contemplating ripping his bottle right out of his hands.

"So, I won't be back until about eight or nine tonight," I said. Molly turned to me and smiled.

"That's fine."

I set the coffee cup in the sink. "I was thinking that if you want to contact your storage company, I could get a hold of one of my buddy's at the moving company and he can get the rest of your boxes and stuff."

Molly had been taking turns feeding Ally and Joe some baby food to supplement the milk. She let the spoon drop back into the jar.

The room got quiet.

"Molls?"

She sighed. "That's all we had," she said quietly.

"What?"

She turned to me. I could see embarassment in her eyes.

"There's no other boxes," she said.

"But you only had two suitcases and two boxes," I argued. "At least three of those things had to contain Shelby's stuff."

Molly nodded. "Pretty much."

She turned around and dug the spoon back into the baby food.

It suddenly made sense. Most women would die to wear the same thing twice. Molly had what she called her 'favorite jeans,' which now I suspected were her only jeans.

And that dress she wore to the wedding and dinner...

"What happened to the rest?"

Joe opened his mouth as Molly swiveled the spoon his way. Ally took the opportunity to swipe his bottle.

"Well if you thought you had the mother-in-law from hell, think again. Clint's mom was a piece of work. She bought the house that we lived in. After the fire she took all of the insurance money for herself. She...blamed me for the fire."

I knew I was going to be late to the studio, but I seemed frozen against the counter.

"What?"

Molly turned. Ally began to suck on the bottle. Joe turned and began to wail. I walked over and took the jar of baby food from Molly and shoveled out another spoonful for him. This seemed to do the trick. Plus, I could see Molls face. Unfortunately, the usually pretty, happy face looked like it was about ready to crumble.

"But, what about Shelby?" I continued.

"She didn't like that Clint married me considering I was so much younger than him," Molly said quietly. "After Micah and Clint died, she decided to yank out her daggers and just start stabbing me. She insisted that the babies weren't Clint's and told me that I was going to have to learn how to make it in this world like all the rest of the bottom feeders."

"So what did you do?" I asked quietly.

"I found a crappy apartment, I got a job waitressing and I did seamstress work on the side. It was enough to get by. We lived right by the library and I was able to get those books on sign language for babies. A lot of my money was wasted on those damn psychologists."

"Is that what you were doing before this?"

Molly looked around and nodded.

"I didn't think I was going to get this job, but I knew I had to try. Our apartment building was expected to be leveled in a month and I was at a loss at what to do."

I closed my eyes. Sometimes things did happen for a reason.

"Well, you're not going anywhere," I said softly. She smiled at me and took the jar of baby food back.

"I really appreciate everything," she said. I brushed a piece of hair behind her ear. I could stare at her face forever and never get bored.

"I better get to work," I said. I reluctantly stood up. I turned, thought better of it, and turned back around and gave her a kiss.

Her face lit up like the Fourth of July.

"Ugh!"

Shelby walked into the kitchen rubbing her eyes. I laughed and scooped her up.

"Can I get a kiss?" I asked. She leaned back in my arms and wrinkled her nose.

"No!"

"Please?"

She bit her lip and looked around as if to make sure no strangers were watching. Then with the swiftness of an eagle, she gave me a quick kiss on the cheek. I grinned.

"Thank you."

I grabbed my keys and headed towards the door.

"Mr. J!"

I turned.

"Yeah?"

"You're face is scratchy," Shelby announced. Then she ran back to the kitchen. I laughed and rubbed my face. It was time for another trim.

---------------------------

"Okay let me get this straight. You were late this morning and now you want to leave early?"

Kevin was giving me his no-nonsense look. I leaned forward.

"We got almost everything done today. We did more today than we've done since we started. And this is important."

"What could be more important?" Howie asked.

I was about to answer when I heard a hard knuckle tap on the window. My back was to the glass, so I swiveled around. Nick stood there with two long giant marshmallows yanked up on his teeth. He clapped his hands like a walrus. I turned around. I was almost immune to Carter by now. It seemed Kev and Howie were too.

"You know what's sad?" How said. He pointed back at Nick. I glanced back. He had pressed his face to the glass and was making circles of fog with his hot nostril breath.

"What?" I asked.

"He's probably going to end up having more kids than all of us combined. And they're probably all going to look and act like him."

"The world would blow up," Kev said lightly.

"Even worse, one of his kids could become President," I added.

We shuddered.

At that moment the door opened and Brian walked back in. He had taken off down the hall to find a bottle of water. Nick jumped behind him. With one quick movement he grabbed the sides of Brian's basketball shorts and yanked. Bri was in mid-step. He swayed as if in slow-motion, then crashed to the ground. Nick laughed so hard the marshmallows flew off his teeth.

Bri flipped over and tried to knee him. I was thinking that might have helped control the Nick population if he got a good hit in, but Nick was too fast. He grabbed Bri's ankle and twisted.

"OW! OW! OW!"

"GUYS!" Kev said. "C'mon!"

Nick reluctantly dropped Bri's leg and sidestepped him.

"What's next?" he asked. At that moment Bri's water bottle smacked him right on the back of the head. Nick's hands flew up in surprise.

"OW!"

"I told Kev I needed to leave early," I explained.

"Leave early? You came late!" Bri said. He picked up his bottle and took a seat.

"I know...but this is important."

"What's important?"

I had four sets of eyes on me. I sighed.

"I need to go shopping."

Howie snorted. "That's a good one. That's an excuse Nick would try."

"Hey!"

"It's not for me," I explained. "It's for Molly."

"Porn store?" Bri and Nick said at the same time. I swear, whatever happened in Kentucky had warped Bri. He looked excited.

"NO!" I said. "Just regular women's clothing."

I knew they weren't going to let me go without the whole story. I sighed and gave them the abbreviated version.

"So," Kev said thoughtfully. "What you want to do is buy her a new wardrobe?"

I nodded. "Pretty much."

"Er, I don't think she's the skull and crossbones type," Nick said. "You might not be the right candidate for the job."

"Well, I'm the only candidate for the job," I explained.

Bri and Nick shared a look. I didn't like it.

"Well if you leave early, then we all leave early," Bri said. My eyes widened.

"You guys aren't suggesting..."

Even Kev smiled.

I was in trouble.

------------------------------------

"What's her cup size?"

"Is she a thong girl?"

"Do these make my ass look big?"

I was surrounded by mad men. Nick was parading around holding up a tiny pair of jeans. Brian was at the bras and Howie was poking through skimpy underwear. I didn't know where Kev was but I sure hoped he was picking out stuff I could actually buy.

I headed over to Brian first. He was holding up a bra that could have been used to sail the Pilgrims over if the Mayflower had broken down.

"Dude, what the hell's that?"

He blushed and hung it back up. "I was just trying to help."

I flipped through the bras. I had been privvy to a couple nights of boob squeezing and I knew she was a C cup. I just prayed I got remotely close to the right number / letter combination. I picked out a little black lacy bra and a white one and hung them over my arm.

Next I headed over to Howie.

"No thongs," I said. I was pretty sure I would eventually be able to buy those for her, but I was trying to do this as a nice gesture, not a sexual one.

Which, coming from me, sounds abnormal, doesn't it?

After a couple minutes spent with Howie I added to the pile of lingerie in my arms. I walked over to Nick and just shook my head.

"I don't even know what you're doing."

He had one leg into a pair of women's jeans and was hopping around in them. I was pretty sure he was going to split them. Plus, I could see way too much of his bunched up package in front for my own good.

I paid for the lingerie at one of the service counters and then went in search of Kev.

Now the one thing about Kev is that women find him extremely attractive. Personally, I think the big bushy eyebrows are a turnoff, but it must be the whole 'tall, dark' thing. Kev was sitting in a big padded chair while two saleslady's modeled clothes. And by model, I don't mean just holding up things. These two girls were actually trying stuff on.

"How's it going?" I asked. Kev looked up and grinned.

"Good. I think the wardrobe portion of your plan is almost complete."

One of the girls that had disappeared just as I was walking up came back. She had on a low cut, red dress that flared around her knees. My mouth suddenly turned to cotton.

"I'll take one of those," I said.

"Wait," Kev said. He held up his hand, and like a peasant girl to her king, she stopped.

"Does it come in any other colors?"

The girl glanced at the tag. "I don't know...I could find out..."

"I'm taking the red," I told the girl with a smile. "I have no idea what he's taking."

The girl walked back into the dressing room. Kev laughed.

"I'm getting one for Addy. But white's more her color."

I crouched down next to Kev's chair and we finished off the fashion show. By the time the girl's changed back into their clothes and I confirmed the sizes as best I could, there was a mountain of stuff to be bagged.

"Where's the other guys?" Kev asked as we leaned against the counter. His solitary purchase was that dress (which did come in white).

"I don't---oh geesh."

Nick came prancing up. He had found the huge bra Brian was looking at earlier and had put it on and stuffed the things with thongs. I could see the little strings poking out everywhere. He was still wearing the woman's jeans.

"How do I look boys?" he said. He put a hand on his hip and turned.

Kev put his elbow on the counter and turned his head in the opposite direction. The woman ringing up my purchases just stared at him open-mouthed. She began to laugh hysterically.

"Do you know him?" she asked as Nick ran back around the corner.

"I've never met him in my life," Kev said cooly.

"He's with me," I said. I felt a little bad; someone had to claim Nick.

A half hour later we had Nick de-womanized and headed out to the parking lot.

"Let us know how she likes the surprise," Kev said. I grinned.

"Will do."

We got in our cars and took off. I was almost home when I did a short de-tour to the dollar store. I walked the aisles and got Shelby some more random accessories for her outfits.

Every little girl can use a Sherriff's badge.

And a beautiful red-headed mama deserved some nice clothes.

Chapter Twenty Five

The guys and I had timed it perfectly. I walked through the door at nine o'clock, my arms loaded down with bags. Shelby was plopped down in front of the TV on her stomach watching Dancing with the Stars. Her feet, wrapped in ballerina slippers, were swinging back and forth in the air. She rolled around and sat up when she saw me. Her eyes went wide.

"PRESENTS!" she screamed.

Molly had been sitting in my La-Z-Boy recliner holding Ally. Joe was in the swing fast asleep. Ally had her hands pressed against Molly's boob.

Even my daughter was a true McLean. I saw Moll's eyes widened.

"Whatcha bring? Whatcha bring?" Shelby asked. She began to hop around in a big circle around me.

"See the bag hanging off my pinky?" I asked. She stopped.

"YUP!"

"That ones yours."

She took the bag and skipped back into the living room.

"Shelby..." Molly said in her warning tone. Shelby turned back and shook the bag.

"Thank you!"

I laughed. "You're welcome."

Molly came into the hall. She shook her head.

"You didn't have to get her anything," she whispered.

"I wanted to," I whispered back. "I didn't think it would have been fair if I had brought all this home for her mom, and nothing for her."

The look on Molly's face was priceless. Her eyes darted to all of the bags.

"What?"

"C'mon."

She followed me up the stairs. I walked into her room and put all the bags on the floor. I held out my arms.

"Give me peanut," I said. She moved Ally into my arms. I don't think Ally was happy about that; my boobs aren't near as fun to play with.

I sat on the bag and reached down with one arm. I pulled out a pair of jeans.

"This stuff's for you. Go ahead and make sure that I didn't totally fuck up your size."

Molly just stood there. She began to shake her head.

"No. No way. This has all got to go back."

I snorted. "No it doesn't. Consider it a bonus."

She looked at me doubtfully, but like any woman, she began to pull the clothes out of the bag.

"You picked all this out?" she asked increduously.

"I had help," I said lightly.

"The guys?"

I laughed. "Well, Kev did. Bri and How were too busy turning Nick into a woman."

She went from bag to bag, pulling out the clothes.

"Do you think everything will fit?" I asked.

She held up the lacy black bra. A smile played around her lips.

"How'd you know my bra size?"

"I took a guess. My palms are pretty good at playing the cup size game."

When she had pulled out the last item, a skull and crossbones cotton nightgown (I couldn't resist), she sank down on her ass and looked around at the piles of clothes around the room.

"You really didn't have to do this," she said softly.

"I wanted to. We're going to have a long tour and laundry day is few and far between."

She looked up at me and smiled. My heart leapt as she crawled towards me.

A woman on her hands and knees does it to me every time.

Her hands curled around my knees. I leaned down, careful not to squish Ally in the process.

"Maybe when Shelby goes to sleep tonight I can model a couple of these things," she whispered.

I swallowed a lump that I hadn't even realized had formed in my throat.

"I'd like that," I whispered. She arched up and met my lips with the sudden intensity I had come to attribute back to the day Ms. Hell had come to visit. She bit down hard on my lower lip and it took every ounce of self-control not to put Ally in her crib and then come back and just attack her right then and there.

After the best three minutes of my life, she finally pulled back and stood up.

"I'm going to put some of this away and then get Shelby ready for bed," she said. I stood up.

"I'll put Ally and Joe in their cribs," I said.

As I put Ally and then Joe into their cribs, my mind went back to the hotel room in Kentucky. I pictured Molly, drunk out of her mind, laying there with that dildo. She had told me she was sick of Mr. Wonderful.

I wondered if I could become a better substitute.

--------------------------------------

My alarm clock had just flipped over to midnight and I was about to give up all hope where I heard a soft rapping sound at my door. I stood up and quietly opened the door. Molly's face peered at me through the shadows. She was holding a pile of clothes in her arms. I quickly stepped back.

"Come in."

I flipped on a small desk lamp as she put the clothes in a pile on the chair. She looked around curiously.

In the beginning, I had told her my bedroom was off limits. I think besides a glimpse into it when the door had been opened, she had never really been in the room. She smiled at me. I fell back on the bed and folded my hands beneath my head.

"What did you bring?" I asked.

"Just a few things."

I about choked on my tongue when she wrapped her fingers under the hem of her shirt and tugged it over her head. She had put on the new black lacy bra. My eyes eagerly devoured the sight. She wiggled out of her jeans; the matching underwear was underneath.

I wanted to tell her the show could stop right there, but I didn't want to sound pathetic. With a little snapping motion, she tried around to grab a pair of jeans.

That's when I saw her tattoo.

It was clearly a set of angel wings. Even though it was dark in the room, I could see two names in cursive, one on each wing. I had no doubt that those names were her husband and son's. I smiled. I had probably found the one woman on earth who wouldn't mind that I had Ro's name tattooed on my pelvis.

As I concentrated on the tattoo, she wiggled into a pair of jeans and then went through three of four shirts. Each time I nodded in approval. My eyes never really left her ass. The woman could have been a model for Calvin Klein. She just made jeans look that good.

"So that's the shirts," she finally said. She stripped back down. She picked up the red dress and I watched her wiggle it down over her head, breasts, and hips. With a little stomp it floated down around her knees.

"This is my favorite," she said. Her hands slid down her front, smoothing out imaginary wrinkles, no doubt. I sat up.

"The light's bad," I said. "Come closer."

With a toss of her hair she padded barefoot towards me. She stopped just a few inches away from me.

I know that some people think redheads shouldn't wear red. I completely disagree with that statement. I reached out and put a hand on the jut just above her hip. The fabric felt like butter beneath my palm.

"This is," I licked my lips. "Very nice."

"It's comfortable," she said.

She put her leg up right beside me. The dress floated dangerously back to reveal bare thigh. I was suddenly eye to crotch. I was filled with the sudden urge to see if the carpet matched the drapes.

Disgusting phrase, I know, but that's all I could think about.

"J," Molly whispered. She had never called me just 'J' before. At first it was Mr. McLean, then it was Alex, then it had turned to AJ, and now...

She leaned down and I brought my hand that wasn't on her hip to the back of her head. I arched forward and pressed my lips to hers.

I'm glad that I'm not as rational as some other people I know. Like Kev and Howie. If I had stopped for a moment I probably would have thought of the ramifications of kissing another woman in the bed Ro and I had shared. This in itself felt like cheating, but coupled with the fact that our wedding anniversary would have been in two weeks...

Luckily, my brain doesn't work that way. I only have three modes: 'Loveable dad Alex,' 'Hard-working, foul-mouthed musician,' and 'Tiger.' My level was turned so sharply to 'Tiger' that I didn't know if there was going to be any coming back.

Molly's mouth was warm and inviting. After I had my fill of her lips, I pushed in to explore the inside. Her tongue curled around mine without hesitation. It looked like if I was going to battle, she was going to be right there along for the ride.

I began a slow slide back on the bed. My hand that had come to rest above her hip slid around and grabbed her ass. I used that as leverage to pull her up alongside me before wrapping my arms around her.

As our breathing became faster and heavier, I allowed my eyes to open just a crack. As I did, I found another reason to love the dress. It was so low cut that I saw the top of the bra and the subsequent spillage of boob. My hands fell from her sides. She reached out to me, but I took her wrists in my grasp and placed them into the softness of the pillows. Her eyes widened; I felt her whole body lift and arch against mine.

"I have one question," I said breathlessly. I don't think my mind could have handled more than one thought.

"What?" she gasped.

"Can I be Mr. Wonderful?" I asked.

I didn't get a verbal answer, but she pulled me back into a mind-blowing kiss and her warm thighs pressed against me.

I took that as a yes.

I let go of her hands and it was like I had unleashed a panther. I felt sharp nails ride up my back as my shirt disappeared. I had barely gotten her skirt hiked up above her waist when she rolled over and began to work at the buckle on my pants. Little wet spitcurls clung to her hairline and her chest rose and fell heavily.

"The dress..." I managed to get out. Every time I would reach, she would turn to get another notch on my belt undone. I was wishing I had just changed to boxers. I would have already been naked by now.

"Dress?" she said. Her hands paused right over my erection. With one swift motion she flung it over her head. I don't know where it landed, nor did I care.

She returned back to the belt and got it undone. My eyes fluttered closed as her fingers worked over the taunt zipper.

There has to be something animalistic about being undressed by a woman. Especially a drop-dead gorgeous woman. I arched up and helped kick the jeans on the floor. Impatiently, I did the boxers myself. I heard her breath catch. A rush of male satisfaction flowed through my body. I reached out and pulled her down on top of me. My fingers went to her bra clasp. I had already given it the unclasp test in the store. It was off in seconds. The panties were soon to follow.

"I don't know if I remember how this works," Molly whispered right next to my lips. Her hands pressed into my chest.

"It's like riding a bike," I whispered back. She smiled. Her hands snaked down my stomach and lower still.

"Fuuuucccckkk," I moaned. The hands of hundreds of women had touched my junk, but I don't think it had ever felt so good. There was something about the way she cut her nails and the angle...it was all too much math for me, but damn, it felt good.

"Let's see if I remember," she said softly.

And boy, did she remember. To go back to the bike analogy, if Molly was a cyclist I would say she could quality for the Tour de France with her eyes closed. That woman was brimming with so much kinky that she overflowed.

By the time we fell into a sweaty heap on top of the covers my entire body was numb.

I was in love.

Chapter Twenty Six - October 31

"Happy Anniversary, monkee."

I knelt down and placed a dozen black roses on her headstone. I hadn't been to the cemetary since the day they had buried her. The grass had come in, lush and soft beneath one's feet. There was a huge weeping willow nearby, its branches gracefully arching towards the ground.

There had been many days since Ro's death when I had felt like that weeping willow. I felt bent to the ground, feeling as if the only direction was down.

I had woken up this morning dreading the feelings that would come rushing at me like a tidal wave too big to ignore. But, as I opened my eyes and saw the long streams of sunshine dancing along my bedroom floor, I didn't feel the despair I had just assumed would come.

In the last couple weeks, Molly and I had opened up about pretty much everything. She knew as I headed downstairs what day it was and she had put a respectable distance between us.

"I'm going to run a couple errands this morning," I said.

And that's what brought me to the cemetery. I sank down in the grass and traced Ro's name with a black-tipped nail. McLean. She would always and forever be a McLean.

"I miss you," I said softly. "Every time I look at Ally I see you. She's got your nose and this face that just oozes attitude when she gets frustrated. Which is a lot. And Joe…well, you wouldn’t know he was ever as small as he was. He smiles all the time. I can tell that once he starts talking he’s not going to shut up."

I looked up in the sky, trying to keep the sudden rush of tears trapped in my eyes. A raven flew overhead.

I instantly thought of the Edgar Allen Poe poem, 'The Raven.' As I watched the jet black bird in the sky, I settled down in the grass, suddenly not caring if the tears came. I began to whisper the lines that somehow were still tucked into the recesses of my brain.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortals ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, "Lenore?"
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, "Lenore!" -
Merely this, and nothing more.

Then methought the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Seraphim whose footfalls tinkled on the tufted floor.
"Wretch," I cried, "thy God hath lent thee - by these angels he hath sent thee
Respite - respite and nepenthe, from thy memories of Lenore:
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe and forget this lost Lenore!"
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."

Somehow, after all these years, I suddenly understood the meaning. I hadn’t read the damn thing since I was in my ‘philosophical’ phase during the Millennium tour. But back then, my life experience amounted to a bag of peanuts. Now, I could empathize with the poor guy who was stuck between the desire to remember and the need to forget his lost love.

That pretty much fucking summed up my life...even though I knew I never wanted to forget Ro.

I sat up and wiped my face. I turned back around to the stone.

"I've met someone," I said softly. "I know you're probably not surprised. But this one's not a random dancer or prostitute. Even though you probably know about that, don't you?"

Foolishly I closed my eyes and waited for a response. None came.

"Her name's Molly. She's amazing with Ally and Joe. And she's got this crazy daughter, Shelby, who reminds me of myself. The kids nuts. If you thought our house was loud before, you should hear it now."

I don't know why I started having this spontaneous confessional, but the more I talked, the better I felt. I hugged my knees. I had kicked off my shoes; I dug my toes into the grass.

"I wish I could talk to you for real. I need to know that you won't hate me for moving on."

It was my worst fear spoken out loud. I closed my eyes and listened for a sign...even just a sound.

All was quiet.

I spent another half hour just talking and walking around the cemetery. By the time I left I had made a promise to myself that I was not going to just crawl into bed and hide today. It wasn't fair to Ally and Joe. And it wasn't fair to Molly and Shelby.

---------------------------------

"That's a real cool costume Mr. J!"

I look down at Shelby. She was decked out head to toe in a T-Rex costume. I bent down and gave her a gold-toothed smile.

"Aarrrrrrgh."

I had decided to go all out and get the official Captain Jack Sparrow costume. The hair was already driving me nuts. I was almost glad I was going bald.

"Is that why Ally and Joe are dressed as parrots?" she asked. I looked over and laughed. I had found two of the most ridiculous parrot hats I'd ever seen. Joe was staring cross-eyed at the huge bill that was jutting out of his head. They looked like they were all set for a friggin' Jimmy Buffet concert.

"You're too smart for your own good, you know that?"

Shelby bent down and tapped Ally's beak.

"Yup!"

"Wow."

I turned around at the sound of the 'Wow.' Molly was standing at the foot of the stairs staring at my costume. If I wasn't grinning before, I was now.

She had gone with an 80's theme: side ponytail, huge off the shoulder shirt, leg warmers...the whole nine yards. It looked like she had raided Shelby's accessories for the huge plastic bracelets.

"Just call me Molly Ringwold," she said. She bounced on the heels of her athletic shoes.

"Well if the hair fits..." I teased. She leaned into my shoulder and whispered between the fake dreads.

"I always had a thing for Captain Jack," she whispered. Before I could say something incredibly dirty back, I felt a tug on my sword.

"HEY! I WANNA KNOW THE SECRET!"

Molly and I both looked down at Shelby. Her little face was buried in the T-Rex jaws.

"I just told AJ that you're the scariest dinosaur I've ever seen," Molly said. Shelby grinned and held up her claws.

"GRRR!"

---------------------------------

We spent the evening trick-or-treating with Shelby around Nick's neighborhood. Liv had offered to watch Joe and Ally and I had taken her up on the offer.

It was a weird feeling walking hand in hand with Molly while Shelby skipped in front of us with a growing bag full of candy. I could almost envision the same seen a few years from now with Ally and Joe skipping along in costumes right along with Shelby.

"Cap'n Jack looks deep in thought," Molly whispered as we rounded the corner back to Nick's.

"Argh, just distracted by your ponytail, lassy," I said. She laughed.

"You sounded more Scottish than pirate right there," she teased. I grinned.

"Okay, how's this? I want to plunder ye booty lassy!"

Molly laughed. Her hand dropped from mine and she skipped ahead to where Shelby and Mason were digging around in their buckets analyzing their candy haul. Shelby held up what looked like a cinnamon disc. Molly unwrapped it and popped it in her mouth.

Tease.

Liv, Leigh, and Leighanne had stayed behind. The place was brimming with food. As everyone broke up into little groups with plates around the living room and kitchen, I picked up Joe and walked him around. Molly swooped in to pick up Ally.

It had been a good night, but more than anything, I was afraid of it ending too early. I was still afraid that the night was going to end with me tossing and turning. I could document every hour on the clock with what Ro and I had been doing exactly two years ago.

In the end, I talked Nick into pulling together a game of poker. The kids had all fallen asleep and it was nice to just shoot the shit with the guys (and Addy - she's one hell of a poker player). The game was heating up pretty well until Shelby woke up.

"What'cha doin?" she asked. Molly was sitting beside me. Shelby put her little pointy chin right into the crook of my arm.

"I'm playing a card game," I said.

"What game?"

"Poker."

"Oh," she said. There was a pause. It was coming around to my turn and I had one of the best hands of the night. I was just about ready to raise when her little finger tapped my cards.

"Are three of those A's a good thing?"

"I'm out."

"I'm out."

Even though Molly tried to tell Shelby to be quiet, five more rounds just like the first one ended up in people folding. Addy ended up winning the whole thing.

The evening wrapped up quickly after that. By the time that we all said our goodbyes and I pulled up to the house, it was almost three o'clock in the morning.

"I want ice cream!" Shelby said happily as she hopped out of the car.

"You're going to bed!" Molly called out. She stopped to help me get the carseats out.

"But Mr. J. and I have ice cream ALL the time!" Shelby said. "CHOCOLATE!"

Molly gave me a look. I gave her what I hoped was a pathetic smile.

"Am I gonna have to walk the plank for that?"

She rolled her eyes.

"No," she said. She put a hand on the bottom of Joe's car seat.

"But you might have some dentist bills coming your way."

I laughed. If that was the worst that came out of Shelby's and my mid-night ice cream talks, that was fine with me.

Chapter Twenty Seven - Thanksgiving

"We can't."

"You can."

"Mommy, I want turkey!"

Molly sighed. I knelt down next to Shelby. When all else failed, I relied on the kid.

"You know who makes great turkey?"

Shelby smiled and lifted her surgeon's mask.

"Who?"

"My mom."

Shelby's eyes went directly to Molly.

"Mommy..."

Molly sighed. "Okay, we'll go."

Thanksgiving had been the topic of discussion for the past three days. Once I had found out that Molly's dad was currently in Mexico on an archaeological dig and her mom was in England, I had invited her and Shelby to come with me to my mom's. Each time I brought it up, she refused.

Now I was two hours from leaving and I was wearing her down.

"C'mon, what's the big deal? It's just dinner."

"But...it's your mom!"

I smiled. "She doesn't bite, trust me."

Shelby squealed. "I'm gonna get pumpkin pie!"

"Shel, go get dressed okay?"

"Yup!"

She skipped up the stairs. Molly watched her and then turned back around. She was mid-sigh when I pulled her into my arms and kissed her.

"Relax," I whispered.

"That's kind of hard to do," she whispered.

"Why?"

"Because I'm not the type of girl you take home to mom."

I smiled. She had no idea how wrong she was about that.

---------------------------

"Molly, this is my mom, Denise. Mom, this is Molly and her daughter Shelby."

"How great to meet you. Alex's has told me a lot of great things."

Shelby had decided to wear a hula skirt, blue sweater, and a red and white Dr. Seuss hat for the occasion. She put her hands on her little Hawaiian hips.

"Who's Alex?" Shelby asked.

Mom laughed and hugged me. "This is Alex."

Shelby grinned. "Mr. J, is that really your name?"

I laughed. "Yup."

"I like it!"

It was nice to know I got a stamp of approval. Before we made it past the living room, mom had Ally and Joe out of their car seats and was holding both of them, one on each hip.

"Aren't you two getting so big!" she said. Joe grinned. I had been calling him Snaggletooth for the last two weeks. One pointy little bottom tooth had finally broken through. Ally, on the other hand, was Jaws. Her teeth had erupted like crazy.

"Do you have a date scheduled for Ally's surgery?" mom asked. I nodded.

"January 21. She's catching up so well that the doctor feels confident doing it then. February 20 they'll actually activate it."

"She's going to have a coconut implant!" Shelby added. I laughed.

"Cochlear implant."

Shelby shrugged. "Close enough!"

We finally made it to the kitchen where my stepdad Tony was pulling out heaps and heaps of food. I did another round of introductions. Shelby's hands wrapped around the counter and she lifted herself up.

"LOOK AT THAT BIRD!"

"Shelby, get DOWN!"

"Alex used to do the same thing when he was that age. He was literally in everything."

I groaned. Leave it to my mom to start telling the stories already.

"Can we just eat?"

Mom laughed. "See what I mean? Things don't change."

Molly laughed right along with her.

I went back out to the car and got the high chairs. Ally and Joe both dug into dishes of cranberry sauce the moment Mom put it down in front of them.

"Mom, I don't think they can have that."

Mom rolled her eyes. "Trust me, they can have cranberry sauce."

"Hey Mr. Alex J?"

I looked down right into Shelby's freckled face.

"Do these people have a phone book? The chair's too low!"

"Shelby," Molly groaned.

Mom waved a hand. "That's alright, I'm on it."

After everyone had found a chair and was comfortable, the dish passing started. Tony seemed oblivious to the craziness that I had brought into the house. That was just one of the reasons why I loved him. The main reason was that he treated my mom like a princess.

"So, Molly, is Alex a good boss?"

Molly's face turned a telltale shade of red.

"Very good."

"He kisses my mommy a lot," Shelby announced. Tony stopped mid-chew. I saw the corners of his mouth twitch. Molly looked like she wanted to crawl under the gob of mashed potatoes on her plate.

"Does that bother you?" my mom said. Shelby glanced at me.

"Naw, he's harmless."

Tony snorted. My mom looked like she just wanted to lean over and pinch Shelby's little cheeks.

Before mom could interrogate further, I busied myself in cleaning two sets of pink cranberry-sauced baby hands and faces. The minute I had them looking like normal babies again, mom put down two bowls of pumpkin pie filling. Once Ally tasted it, she practically dunked her head in it. She caught herself and just filled her hands with the glop.

"She's eating like a pig!" Shelby exclaimed.

"Shel---" Molly said. But it was too late. By the time I turned around, she had smashed her face into the plate and began to snort like a pig rooting around in a trough.

For the first time that I could remember, Shelby pushed Molly too far. Molly swooped down on her and scooped her up. Gravy dripped off her chin and her eyes widened in surprise.

"Excuse us," Molly said through gritted teeth. They headed in the direction of the bathroom.

"Oh, I know exactly how she feels," mom said with a sigh.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Do you know how many times you did embarassing things on the rare occasion I had a date?"

I scoffed. I only remembered myself being an amazing terrific, well-behaved child...

"You tried to set one of my dates on fire by tossing a firecracker into their hair."

I snorted. "I don't remember that."

"You should. I spanked you so hard you could barely sit down for three days."

My mom was the sweetest lady I knew, but corporeal punishment was not beyond her.

"Oh, I think I remember that now..."

Mom wiped the pumpkin off Ally and Joe's mouth.

"You like her?" she asked.

"What?"

"Molly. You like her?"

I picked up a green bean and folded it in half.

"I do."

"She's cute. I like redheads," Tony said. Mom gave him a look. He grinned.

"What? That's what made me ask you out."

"I thought it was my bubbly personality."

"Yeah, that too."

"Anyhow," mom said. "How serious is this?"

I set down my fork. I picked at a really good piece of skin on my thumb that I had been working on for the last week.

"I don't know," I answered honestly.

Before mom could ask me anything else, Molly came back into the kitchen. Shelby was holding onto her hand, her eyes red rimmed. She scrambled back into her chair and looked down morosely.

"I'm sorry I acted like a piggy," she said in the teeniest tiniest voice I had ever heard in my life.

"It's okay dear," mom said. "You're just in time for dessert."

Shelby smiled. "Dessert?"

And just like that, everything was all better.

--------------------------------

"You're mom is the sweetest lady."

I laughed. "I know."

"The look on her face when Joe started crawling around and then tried to pull himself up..."

"Hey, that blew my mind."

I was driving back to the house with three kids fast asleep in the backseat. Molly smelled like Dawn dishsoap. She refused to leave without helping mom with dishes. Mom thanked her by showing her my baby books.

Not my finest hour.

"That one picture of you with your little bare bottom sticking up in the air reminds me of Joe."

I groaned. Molly laughed.

"It's hard to believe you didn't come into this world with tattoos."

I smiled. I had on some sappy love song channel on the radio and the traffic was light. I reached over and took Molly's hand in mine. She leaned over and placed her head on my shoulder.

"Hey Molls?" I whispered.

"Mmm?"

"Thanks for coming today."

"No, thank you for putting up with us."

"Hey, this isn't the first time I've seen someone smash their whole face into a plate of food. Remember, I've toured with Nick for twenty years."

Molly lifted her head. Her lips brushed my cheek.

At that moment I felt extremely thankful.

I had a feeling the guy upstairs was giving me another chance.

And I wasn't going to let it slip through my fingers.

Chapter Twenty Eight - December 14

It's funny, but I never thought that years of heavy drug use would ever come in handy.

I was wrong.

After much persuasion, I had talked Molly into flying to Colorado with me. My mom, bless her heart, was watching Shelby and the twins. After a surprise concert opening for the country group Rascal Flatts, all of the guys and our girls had gotten back into the bus to head back to a beautiful ski villa we had rented for the weekend.

That's when everything had gone horribly wrong.

A little old lady had given Nick and Brian a couple trays of brownies. On the advice of my dentist, I took a small piece and milked it out. I had a potential cavity and there was no fucking way that I was going to make it worse. I was even contemplating laying off the ice cream. Maybe.

I was down to my last bite of brownie when I finally recognized the weird taste that had been bothering me since I had started eating it. Of course, at the same time the bus ran out of gas.

"I can't believe this," Howie said. "What crappy luck is that?"

"I can top that," I said. "Guys, we can't eat any more of these brownies."

I looked down. They had finished off a pan and a half. As far as I was concerned, all these drug-free people were royally screwed.

"Why?"

I brought the one small bite I had left up to my nose and sniffed it. It was definitely marijuana.

"These are filled with pot."

"Pot?"

"Are you sure?"

I smirked. "I've had a couple edibles in my day."

"I ate pot?"

The look of panic on Liv's face almost made me burst out laughing.

"Dude, when did we start to eat them?"

"How long do you think it's going to take that guy to come back with gas?"

"Should we call 911?"

Nick held up his cellphone.

"We have no service."

Everyone got quiet.

"What do we do?" Liv finally asked.

I leaned back in my seat back and propped my legs up. "Just relax."

That was easier said the done. One by one they started to drop like flies.

"Have you ever smoked pot before?" I whispered to Molly.

"My high school years are filled with a smoky haze," she whispered back. I smirked. At least one woman in this room was going to be just fine.

I saw Brian stand up. He swayed back and forth. He turned and looked back at Nick.

"It's snowing, bad. And my heart's racing. I think I need to pray. Does anyone else want to pray?"

I didn't think praying was going to do any good. It was snowing hard, but I'd seen much worse. What I hadn't seen before was the look in Brian's eyes.

"SIT DOWN!"

That was Leighanne. She stumbled after Brian and body tackled him to the ground. I couldn't help it; I laughed. It was nice to watch everyone else make jackasses out of themselves. Finally I was on the other side and it was actually fun.

"I think this is going to be the best night of my life," I said.

I watched Addy and Liv try to strip and Kevin begin to freak out about the effects kicking in. I was about to get out my cellphone to document some of this amazing evening when I felt a soft hand wrap around my arm.

"I think I'm going to be sick," Molly say quietly. I looked at her. She was looking clammy. I couldn't remember how many brownies she had eaten, but I knew she had more than me. I helped her to her feet. The moment she stood she began to freak out.

"I can't feel my arms!" she moaned. "Oh fuck, I'm the worst mother in the world. Shelby's mother is a pot head. AJ, she can't eat brownies ever again, okay? Okay?"

I began to shuffle her to the bathroom.

"Okay?!"

"Okay, she won't eat brownies. I promise."

We got to the bathroom door without her hurling. I let go and opened the door. She tumbled in.

"Fuck," I said. I stepped in and closed the door behind me.

Molly's hands wrapped around the sink and she hoisted herself up. Before I could ask her if she needed me to hold her hair or anything she turned on the water and began to splash her face vigorously. The next thing I knew her shirt was off and the water was dripping down her breasts.

"Help me," she gasped.

"Er, what are you doing?" I asked dumbly.

She undid the clasp of her bra.

"I've got to wash it off."

I had no idea what it was. She glanced at me. "It's all over you!"

Before I could react, her wet hands were running down my face. She lifted my shirt and tugged it over my head.

I would have felt like slime if we hadn't been regularly sleeping together, but as it was, I didn't mind taking a little advantage. I undid my pants.

"I think it's down here," I encouraged. She ran her hands under the water again and began to drip her wet fingertips down my body. I even managed to convince her that saliva was better than water on certain, er, parts of my anatomy. As soon as her lips wrapped around me, I hit the sink so loud that I was pretty sure I almost knocked the wall down.

I was enjoying an incredible blow job when I heard a female voice scream "FIRE!"

The last thing I needed was to leave my mom with three kids and for firefighters to find my crisp body in the throngs of getting pleasured. I gently pulled away from Molly.

"No, don't go!" she gasped. I tugged up my boxers and hopped out into the main area. I would have pulled back up my pants, but Molly was grabbing at them and I decided it would take too long. I would worry about it after I made sure there wasn't an inferno.

"What's this about a fire?" I said. I glanced back. Molly was on her stomach. She slid her arm and shoulder out of the bathroom trying to reach for me.

"Nothing, Howie's hallucinating. Or something," Nick said. He wasn't looking so good. There was this unusual glint in his eyes; they were looking extremely unfocused.

"Are you okay?"

Nick didn't respond. I heard a moan from outside.

"NAKED SNOW ANGELS!" Liv squealed. Nick's arms dropped to his sides and she tumbled out onto the bus floor.

"Naked?" Nick repeated. He tried to stand but it was obviously too much of an effort. He fell down on his hands and knees. Brian was doing chin-ups by hanging onto one of the metal bars that ran the length of the bus. Kevin had a bag of Combos and was stuffing them in his mouth like he had never eaten before.

I was the last man standing.

I went back to the bathroom. I got my pants rebuckled and then as gently as possible I sat Molly up and put her shirt back on. I deliberately let my fingers pause for a few seconds on her breasts.

"Moll, you need to do me a favor."

"I can clean you," she said enthusiastically. I shook my head.

"No. I want you to stay here in the bathroom okay? I'm going to go, er, find some soap."

Her arms tightened around me. She tilted her neck back and stared into my eyes.

"AJ, I think I'm high."

I brushed a strand of hair from her face. "I know. But it's going to be okay. Just stay here okay? I'm going to go get some help."

"I can't let Shelby see me like this," she whined. I shook my head.

"She's in Florida. We're in Colorado. She won't. I promise."

I started to get up. She tugged on my jeans leg. I knelt back down.

"What's up?"

She wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me hard.

"I love you."

I had a feeling it was the pot talking, but those were three amazing words to hear. I smiled.

"I love you, too."

I walked out of the bathroom and closed the door behind me. It was like I was the last sane person on earth. I was the chosen one.

I needed to get some gas and get everyone the hell off the deserted highway.

I made my way up to the front of the bus. The door was hanging wide open. I turned around and picked up the coats that were lying strewn on the floor. I didn't care if they belonged to the girls or the guys. I just knew I needed to stay warm. I bundled up, grabbed a big flashlight, and jumped down the stairs.

"No, like that. Like that."

I shown my flashlight around. The image that met my strong beam of light made me groan and shield my eyes.

"HOWIE, GET BACK ON THE BUS!"

I couldn't help but think about Howie and the goat incident. Except this time Leigh was the goat and Howie was in control. I was pretty sure all feeling in Leigh's knees had to be gone.

"Who's that?" Howie said. "Who's interrupting Senor Erótico?"

"If you don't want your dick to freeze and fall off you'll get back in the damn bus!" I said. There was no way I was touching...that.

Luckily they listened to me. I glanced back into the bus and did a head count.

Liv and Nick were missing.

"Why me?" I muttered. I crunched back through the snow and made my way towards the back.

If I had thought the sight of Howie was bad, the sight of Nick was about a million times worse. He was taking the naked snow angels thing to new heights. At the same time I'm pretty sure he wasn't helping to control the Carter population. Bob Barker was going to kick his ass...his very white ass. All I could see was it bobbing up and down and a mass of dark hair underneath his arms.

"Jesus Christ, were the brownies laced with Viagra too?"

I tapped my forehead with the flashlight.

"NICK, GET YOUR ASS BACK ON THE BUS!"

I've got to admit, I didn't wait around to make sure he followed my advice. I had seen way more of Howie and Nick than I had ever wanted to in my whole life. I didn't mind a naked Liv and Leigh, but I had to draw the line somewhere.

The snow was falling in big fat flakes as I began to walk in the direction we had come from. After a few minutes I decided that I just needed to suck it up and just jog it. I would make it there faster and keep my body warm.

For as much shit as I've done to my body, I'm happy to announce I made the gas station in about twenty minutes (which included stopping and taking a leak on the side of the road). A small bar was right next to the gas station. I popped in there first. I had a sneaking suspicion our bus driver was there.

I was right. He was munching on peanuts and had a line of empty glasses in front of him. I didn't even bother to bitch him out. It would have been a pointless waste of time.

Instead I went over to the gas station, explained my situation, and paid for about five big orange things of gas. One of the attendants was nice enough to drive me back to the bus. I was happy to see that there were no more naked girating bodies. I could see Perez Hilton blowing his wad over something like that.

I filled the bus's tank, gave the containers back to the attendant, and climbed back up on the bus.

I'm not going to sugar coat; it smelled like shit in the bus. I think one or two of the guys (or girls) had thrown up. Then there was another smell that I didn't even want to identify. The bathroom door was closed; I had a feeling Molly had been smart and stayed put.

"IT'S THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN!" Brian screamed as I climbed aboard. I shed three of the coats.

"WAIT! IT'S AJ!" Brian screamed.

I decided it was easier if I just didn't answer. I slid into the driver's seat and took off.

We were almost back to the villa when Brian came stumbling up to the front.

"Dude, you've got to stop at the grocery store."

I glanced up at him.

"What the hell for?"

"We need Jell-o."

The request was too off the wall for me to ignore. I pulled the bus over. Nick stumbled off the bus after Brian. I followed. I didn't think it was a good idea to have two high Backstreet Boys roaming through the grocery store.

"Dude, remember when I walked through that grocery store for The Call video?" Brian said. We headed towards the baking aisle. All of a sudden he did a dive like bullets were flying after him. I was grateful that it was late and there wasn't many people around. I smiled at one of the clerks and picked him up.

"Dude, two left feet, I swear," I said calmly. I held onto the back of his coat.

"What kind should we get?" Nick asked as we stood in front of the huge display.

"Strawberry. Definitely strawberry," Brian said.

Nick took his hand and wiped one whole row of strawberry into his arms. Brian did the same.

"I think we're going to need more," Bri said.

"Yup. Let's go with cherry. It's in the strawberry family."

By the time they were done I was pretty sure they couldn't even see where they were walking. I got a cart, dumped all the boxes in and they followed me to the checkout aisle.

"You guys sure do love Jell-o," the clerk said as she rang up box after box.

"It's for--" Brian began to say.

"Yes, we do," I said, cutting him off. I didn't know what it was for, but I had a feeling it was probably something that we didn't want the world to know about. I paid for the Jell-o and wheeled the cart out to the bus. Bri and Nick grabbed the bags and ran back on board.

By the time that we got back to the villa, I was hopeful that everyone would be ready to sleep off the rest of the effects.

No such luck.

Bri and Nick ran out to the empty hot tub. Liv and Leighanne were right on their heels. Kevin and Addy took the rest of the brownies to their bedroom. Howie walked into the kitchen. The next thing I knew he was standing there bare-assed with the refrigerator door opened. He grabbed a bucket of ice and some hot sauce he had put in there earlier and walked right by me to the bedroom.

Molly had been happy as a stoned clam when I had opened the door to the bathroom. She was currently jumping from couch to couch in the living room. It was like I was watching Shelby all grown up but still acting like a five year old.

"AJ, catch!"

I held out my arms just as she dove at me. Her legs slid clumsily down my waist. She pressed her face into my shoulder and laughed.

"Make love to me."

Oh boy.

I had a moment of confliction. On one hand Bri and Nick were doing who knows what. On the other hand I had Molly willing and ready to probably try anything.

I decided to go with the other hand.

I made the right choice. Nick and Bri had decided to turn the hot tub into a huge Jell-o wrestling ring and it took the whole time I was romping in the bedroom with Molly for the Jell-o to set to consistancy. Molly was completely satisfied and fast asleep when I headed out to double check on them.

The first round was Liv and Leighanne. I'm going to admit that it made the ridiculous amount I spent on Jell-o worth it. The Jell-o wasn't the only thing that was jiggling. I'm not quite sure who won, but I know that they both got a big round of applause.

"OUR TURN!" Bri said. Nick grabbed his arm and shook his head.

"WE NEED WRESTLING PANTIES!"

Bri and Nick looked at each other in confusion. Liv put one sloppy hand on my arm.

"Can you go get my bag?" she asked.

"Mine too!" Leighanne said.

I had a bad feeling about it, but I did what I was asked. Liv and Leigh rummaged through their bags and came up with thongs. They tossed them at Bri and Nick.

"I'm leaving," I said.

Nick ran up to me. "No, you gotta...you gotta referee."

It was the most disgusting thing I had ever seen. In the course of one night I had seen everyone's package except Kevin's. While Liv and Leighanne wrestling around and pulling each other's hair was extremely hot, Nick and Brian practically doing a Jell-o ballet was not. After an hour they dropped into the Jell-o and just sat there. Liv and Leighanne collapsed on the outside of the hot tub.

I went back inside to get some coffee. I knew I was going to stay awake all night to make sure no one needed to go to the hospital. And I wanted to make sure I didn't miss anything else that I could razz the guys about.

Like I said before, it was nice to be on the other side for once.

I was going to have to thank my dentist when I got home.

Chapter Twenty Nine - December 25

"Ho, Ho, Ho! Merry Christmas!"

It was seven o'clock in the morning and I was standing at my door dressed as Santa Claus. Joe and Ally were sitting on the floor in the living room by the tree looking like they could care less. Shelby bounced up and squealed.

"SANTA! You came back!"

The cookies had disappeared overnight and the milk was a distant memory. Presents had gone under the tree and now I was making my first official appearance as the jolly old guy.

Shelby was wearing reindeer antlers that flashed red and green and had slapped a huge snowflake tattoo on the side of her face. She grabbed my hand and tugged me into the room.

"Oh, Santa's here!" Molly said in mock surprise. She looked up at me and smiled.

"It was a long trip from the North Pole," I said in my deepest 'Santa' voice. I sat down in my La-Z-Boy. "Santa needs to rest for a minute."

"Can I get you something to drink Santa?" Shelby asked sweetly. The kid wasn't dumb. If she had to suck up to anyone, it was going to be someone that gave her presents.

"Oh, ho ho. No, just open Santa's presents."

She turned around and dove into the presents scattered on the floor. Joe grabbed a bow and put it on Ally's head. She jumped; he had startled her. Luckily she wasn't the type of baby to fall apart when she got scared. She just touched the bow on her head and did the exact same thing to him. Joe laughed.

I was sitting there with my big black boots taking up a lot of floor space enjoying the moment. I wasn't usually one of those totally mushy Christmas people, but I was feeling pretty 'post-cardish' today. I glanced over at Molly. She was smoothing Joe's hair down lovingly with the back of her hand. It had a tendency to fly straight out. The kid was going to have crazy hair just like his dad. And then, by the time he was, oh, twenty-five, it would begin to fall out.

Sorry, Joe.

As I was thinking about hair loss, Ally made the sign for milk. Molly signed back and nodded.

"I'm going to go get the babies their bottles. Santa, could you keep an eye on these two?"

I grinned. "No problem."

Molly headed off to the kitchen. I couldn't help but think back to the night before. The little Mrs. Claus outfit had made this Santa very happy...

"Psst, Santa?"

Shelby had worked her way across the floor back to me. I smiled down.

"Yes?"

She scrambled up and hopped on my lap. Her little arms went around me. She looked around as if to make sure no one was eavesdropping.

"I have a wish to get in for next year. Can I tell you early?" she whispered.

Leave it to Shelby to be thinking about next year's presents.

"Of course. Santa has a great memory," I whispered back.

Her little face pressed up against my ear. The fake white hair tickled the inside of my ear and I fought the urge to rub it away.

"I want Mr. J. to be my daddy," Shelby whispered. "Cause my daddy's in heaven."

The tickling in my ear suddenly didn't seem to matter.

"My mommy could be Joe and Ally's mommy since their mommy's in heaven," Shelby offered. It was as if she had decided she needed to bargain for me.

Tears sprang into my eyes and I struggled not to cry. I didn't think Santa weeping like a baby was going to leave a good Christmas memory.

"I'll see what I can do, okay?" I finally whispered, choking through the tears.

Shelby's little lips went to the barest part of my face for a sweet kiss.

"Thank you!" she whispered. She hopped off my lap and started to help Ally and Joe with their presents.

"Shelby, are you behaving?" Molly asked.

"Uh-huh!"

Molly knelt down and handed Joe and Ally two fresh bottles. They reached for them with two identical smiles. She kissed both of their foreheads and sat back down.

I don't think I could of loved her or her daughter any more at that moment.

"Santa found a special present in his bag on the way back here," I suddenly said. Shelby turned around.

"For me?"

I did a nice deep chuckle that almost caused me to choke. "No, this one's for your mother."

Molly looked at me in surprise. "What?"

I got out my very empty bag and reached down to the bottom where I knew I had safely stored the present the night before. I pulled out a long thin box and held it out.

Molly took it slowly. She studied the bow for a few moments before she tugged at it. She lifted the lid and her beautiful brown eyes grew wide.

"Oh A---Santa," she said softly. "This is beautiful."

It wasn't a ring or anything extremely fancy, but it suited Molly to a T. It was a charm bracelet that I had spent days laboring over to find just the right charms.

"SANTA! WHAT ABOUT MRS. CLAUSE?"

Shelby had jumped to her feet and was giving me a 'hands-on-hips,' 'don't mess with me' attitude. I quickly backtracked.

"Santa worked with Mr. J. to get that for your mom," I said gently.

I had said the magic words. Shelby skipped over and studied the bracelet.

"There's an S! That's for Shelby!"

Molly laughed. "I bet it is."

While they were studying the different charms, Santa snuck out. Ten minutes and a lot of swearing later, 'Mr. J.' was back.

"Hey guys, what did I miss?"

Shelby looked at me like I was crazy. "YOU JUST MISSED SANTA!"

I snapped my fingers and sat back down in my chair. "Him and I always miss each other. I'm going to have to send him a text."

Molly stood up. She placed her hands on the arms of the recliner and leaned down. She kissed me softly but it held a little hint of better things to come.

"Thank you," she whispered. I smiled. "You're welcome. Hold out your wrist."

She did as I instructed and I hooked the clasp and swung the bracelet around. The charms fell lightly against her skin. Before she turned, I wrapped my hand around it. She looked back down at me.

"I love you," I mouthed. Her eyes sparkled.

"I love you, too," she mouthed back.

As she drifted away to help Shelby get a Barbie doll out of her boxed prison, I stretched out. Every muscle in my body felt warm and tingly.

The rest of the day was just as good as the morning. Mom came over and we stuffed ourselves with more cookies. Mom had bought Shelby a keyboard and she spent the better part of the day banging on the keys like she was a miniature Jerry Lee Lewis. I was just waiting for her to yell 'Great Balls of Fire!'

Ally and Joe fell asleep in their playpen, identical red sleepers on and their faces littered with remnants of cookies that they had sucked on through the day. The Beethoven of the 21st century crashed halfway through It's a Wonderful Life. Molly curled up on the couch with me and put her head in my lap. I played with her hair and we watched Clarence get his wings.

If you had asked me in May what my Christmas was going to be like, I probably would have told you that I would be in the ground right next to Ro. I never expected to be sitting on the couch with a smile on my face while three happy kids slept soundly with dreams of friggin' sugar plums dancing through their heads.

It truly was a wonderful life.

Chapter Thirty - January 1

"And here's the Mickey Mouse pancakes for the birthday girl!"

We were at IHop and Shelby was armed with a fork in one hand and a knife in the other. Her face broke into a huge smile.

"Mickey has a BANANA nose! Bwhahahahahah!"

The waitress couldn't help but laugh. She smiled over at Molly and me.

"You are the cutest family I've ever waited on," she said.

Molly blushed; I smiled. Shelby looked up and grinned.

"They kiss a lot," she said. "It's gross." She ate Mickey's banana nose.

The morning had started off with a pile of presents on the kitchen table. It was impossible to ignore that Shelby was the birthday girl. She had come running down the stairs with a Birthday tiara and these red sunglasses with three candles poking out of the top of each frame.

"How old are you?" the waitress asked.

"I'm SIX!" Shelby said. She bounced in her seat. Then she looked back at the waitress. "I'm going to eat now, thank you."

I friggin' loved that kid. She even knew how to wave off the wait staff.

After breakfast we headed back home to grab our luggage and head to the airport. We had a flight out of Tampa that would take us to Miami. From Miami we would meet up with the other guys and head to Mexico City.

We were embarking on ten straight months of touring.

"This is going to be my second time on an airplane!" Shelby announced to the stewardess as we got on the plane.

"Did you get to meet the pilot the first time you went on an airplane?" the lady asked. Shelby's eyes widened.

"NO! And it's my BIRTHDAY!"

After the plane took off and the seatbelt light disappeared, the stewardess took Shelby up front to meet the pilot. For one second I had the irrational worry that she was going to push some red button that would send the plane crashing.

It could only happen with Shelby around.

Instead she came back about ten minutes later sporting a fancy 'wing' pin. She spent the rest of the extremely short flight talking about how she wanted to be a pilot when she grew up. I couldn't help but laugh.

Last night she had announced she wanted to be the ball that dropped on New Year's Eve.

The girl had big dreams.

By the time we landed in Miami, it was lunchtime. I was still pretty full from IHop, but Shelby spotted the McDonald's and it was all over.

"I need a Happy BIRTHDAY Meal!" she announced.

"Shelby, you just had pancakes," Molly argued.

"But we won't eat FOREVER!" she announced. "I don't know what people eat in MEXICO!"

I laughed. "She kind of has a point," I told Molly. I stood in line with her and got her a Happy Meal. I got a couple burgers and a fry...just in case. We passed Mason, Kev, and Addy. Shelby was so engrossed in finding the toy in her box that she didn't see them.

Once Shelby got her plastic Hello Kitty out of the box, she spotted the guys before I did. She ran up holding her McDonald's bag.

"IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!"

"I'M SIX YEARS OLD...AND I GOT A HAPPY MEAL!"

I grabbed a fry from my bag and laughed.

"I'M ALMOST SIX! I'M ALMOST SIX!"

Mason had caught up with us. Shelby turned around.

"YOU'RE FIVE AND A HALF!"

Mason looked like she had just slapped him. "But that's close to six."

Shelby opened her box and took out her burger.

"Do you want my pickle?"

Mason smiled. "YEAH!"

"Now boarding for Flight 632, Mexico City, Mexico."

Before Shelby could pick through her bun and go pickle-diving, I took her hand, readjusted my hold on Ally's car seat, and headed onto the plane. Molly was right behind me with Joe.

I have to admit it was a little overwhelming to look around the cabin and see all of us surrounded by offspring. Once upon a time all five of us shared one bus. There was no way in hell we could even double up now.

"I want to sit by Mason!" Shelby announced.

"Shelby, I'm sure Mason wants to sit by his dad," Molly said.

"I WANNA SIT BY SHELBY!"

It took us a little rearranging, but finally they were sitting side by side. They began to scoop out their fries and rearrange them from smallest to largest. A stewardess with the patience of a saint passed out cookies.

And just like that we were on our way.

Once the seatbelt like disappeared and the fries had been devoured, I helped Shelby and Mason out of their seatbelts. One by one little Backstreet-lets began to wear out the carpet runner in the aisle. I watched Brooke and Kayleigh walk by three different times. It was like a female version of Frick and Frack. Every so often they'd stop and say something to each other, giggle, and move on.

The minds of two almost two-year-olds was frightening.

Molly and I fed Ally and Joe and I was just about ready to announce to the other guys that our first group flight was a success when I heard Mason screaming at the top of his lungs.

"DADDY!"

Mason tore passed me and dove right into Kev's section.

"I'M A GIRL! I'M A GIRL!"

Shelby almost flew by us, but Molly swooped in and grabbed her around the waist. Her face was almost as red as her hair. She was breathing hard.

"What are you talking about?" Molly asked. Shelby looked up at her. She stomped her foot in annoyance.

"Mason said someone cut off my wiener, but I told him I'm a girl!"

I think I heard Nick and Brian laugh.

"Hey Kev, I think you need to have a talk with your boy!" Nick called.

I wasn't thinking about the cute factor. There was something else that was bothering me.

"Hold it. Shelby, how did Mason find out you didn't have a wiener?" I asked suspiciously.

"We wanted to play doctor," Shelby said. She looked at me and shrugged as if it was obvious.

Now, it's not like I didn't realize that they were both little. But I remembered some of the things I did at six. I had convinced a girl to play 'choo choo' with me. My version of 'choo choo' went like this: I was the conductor and she was the tunnel. Of course, unlike Mason, I knew girls didn't have wieners. Now that I was the adult, having a boy, even one of my best friend's boys, play doctor with my Shelby was unacceptable.

"KEVIN!"

I scrambled over Molly and headed over to Kev's seat. Addy looked up at me like I was crazy. I placed an arm on his headrest and leaned in. Mason looked like he needed some therapy. Kev looked up at me in frustration.

"Your son tried to play doctor with Shelby," I said.

"Something tells me that was probably her idea," Kev said dryly.

"Girls don't think of things like that," I argued.

"That girl isn't normal," Kev said in a lowered voice.

"He obviously didn't mean anything," Kev added in a normal, albeit impatient voice. "He's only five."

"And he thinks girls have wieners!" Nick called out. I didn't need any commentary from the peanut gallery. I glared over at him. He gave me a little fingertip wave and slunk down in his seat.

"I have a wiener!" James called out. Howie groaned.

"This makes me wish we had the Black & Blue plane back," I heard Leighanne tell Bri.

"Listen," Kev said. "I'll talk to him."

I think he just wanted me to sit back down. I was kind of making a scene. Other passengers were craning their necks to make sure they didn't miss a second of the drama.

I grunted and headed back to my seat. Shelby was sitting on Molly's lap.

"I just don't know what I did wrong this time," she said. "It's my birthday!"

I had a feeling that if she had gotten a boy to play doctor with her on her sixth birthday that I was going to need a whole gun cabinet by the time she turned sixteen.

I heard Kev started to explain to Mason the difference between boys and girls. I leaned down and met Shelby's gaze eye-to-eye.

"Promise me something kiddo," I said softly. "Don't ever play doctor again, okay?"

"I promise," she whispered. She kicked the seat in front of her. "But, Mr. J?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I play pilot?"

I tried to think of any type of sexual thing that could happen by playing pilot. I drew a blank.

"That's fine with me," I assured her.

Things settled down after that. I pulled down our overhead bags and prepared for landing.

"It's going to be a long ten months," Howie said as we descended into Mexico City. I laughed.

"Something tells me we're just getting started," Nick said.

I had a feeling he was right.

Chapter Thirty One - January 9

I've got to say that in the past twenty years, me and the guys have pulled some pretty great pranks on each other. With that said, nothing, I repeat nothing topped the prank the girls pulled on us the night before in Rio.

We were onstage singing If I Knew Then. I was heading down the steps and was in the middle of my verse.

"...and your navigation system gets you clos--ahhhhhhh"

All of a sudden I felt like two hot women had just knelt down and grabbed my johnson with their fingers.

My underwear was vibrating. My leg jerked uncontrollably. Actually it wasn't the only thing that jumped. Bri jumped in and took over my verse. Sometimes it was a good thing that he memorized everyone's parts.

As confused as I was, I wasn't alone. Kevin was the next victim. Then Nick. He wasn't quite so subtle.

"Got no instructions when it comes to lo--holy crap!"

He started grabbing at his crotch as if ants were crawling around in there. I was about ready to laugh when I felt another zing.

My first thought was Bri or Howie. That thought flew out the window when both of them got it. Brian screamed at Nick, but I knew it wasn't Nick's prank. He would never prank himself along with the rest of us. He wasn't that smart.

Somehow we made it through the song. I had a feeling our five ladies had something to do with this. Thinking that they had their fun, we launched into Love Will Keep You Up All Night.

The girls had no mercy. I felt like I had an orgy going on in my pants. Kev had the idea to sit down first. I don't think he wanted the tens of thousands of girls in the audience to see a five star salute. I sat down too.

Even though it was uncomfortable, it wasn't a totally bad uncomfortable. The thought of Molly being backstage and still managing to get me off was really erotic. I tried to ignore the tingling in my crotch and focus on the lyrics and what I was going to do to Ms. Molly Brown Eyes when I got her alone tonight.

Nick couldn't turn off his mind so easily.

"I don't mean to scare you but everybody has a first time---shit my pants won't stop vibrating!"

The vibrations only happened sporatically for me. I glanced over at Nick. His teeth were practically chattering. I had a feeling something had gone haywire. Nick looked like he was going to blow his load right on stage.

It was something that could only happen to the Carters.

We managed to make it through the song. The moment the curtain dropped we got up and practically limped off the stage. Molly quickly put her hand behind her back.

"You're in big trouble missy," I said. Her eyes widened.

I smiled and tweaked her nose.

"I'm taking them off, but I'm saving them for later."

As I closed the dressing room door I swore I heard a warm sigh escape from her lips.

----------------------------------

The rest of the concert went perfectly. I was glad that the girls had decided to pull the prank here instead of back in the States. I had a feeling the phrase 'my pants won't stop vibrating!' wasn't anywhere in the Portuguese-to-English ditionary. And I doubted that ESL teachers made it a top priority right up there with 'Where is the bathroom?'

After the show, we all gathered round for a late night snack. The kids were still hanging out with Jodi and Madison, otherwise known as Leighanne's 'entourage.' The girls gave us a play-by-play of how they pulled off their prank and we all admitted that as far as pranks go, the girls reigned supreme (at least for now).

It was pretty late by the time we got back to the hotel. I always made sure to get a suite with two large bedrooms. Shelby, the twins, and Molly took one room while I took the other. Of course, Molly spent most of the night with me. She always snuck back before Shelby woke up.

Molly and I put the twins to bed and let Shelby stay up and watch TV for an extra half hour. Finally I walked into the sitting room and clicked off the TV.

"You're up," I said. Shelby groaned.

"It always comes too soon," she complained. Her dinosaur slippers made little 'roar'-ing noises with each step she took.

"We'll see you bright and early tomorrow morning," Molly said. She pulled back the covers. Shelby slipped into bed. Molly tucked the covers up under her chin and kissed the tip of her nose. Shelby looked up at both of us and then zeroed in on me.

"Hey, Mr. J?"

I smiled. "Yeah, sweetheart?"

"I left that out for you."

She pointed towards the end table. Her birthday tiara was sitting there. I picked it up.

"What's it for?"

She yawned and then smiled. "It's your birthday, silly! I'm passing the crown!"

I laughed. She had a great memory for a six-year-old. I put the crown on my head.

"How's it look?"

She giggled. "Silly."

I grinned. "Perfect. Get some sleep."

She rolled over onto her side and Molly clicked the lamp off. We both headed back out to the sitting area.

"So, technically, it is my birthday," I said. Molly wrapped her arms around my neck.

"Are you going to pull a Shelby?" she whispered. I laughed.

"I'm thirty-five! I'm thirty-fi---"

I didn't get the rest out. Molly's lips met mine and her fingernails dug into the sensitive skin on the side of my neck. My hands slid to her ass.

"I'm wearing those boxers again," I whispered. I took her bottom lip between my teeth. She moaned and held up a little black box. She pressed the button.

"Hello master," I gasped. Molls grabbed the collar of my shirt and I followed her into my bedroom.

Even though the little game of servant/master was a gas, it was even better to be completely naked and making my own vibrations in a certain willing fiery redhead. She had this little maneuver she did using the headboard that just about drove me to the brink and back again.

When I had sufficiently exhausted my quota on birthday humpage, I threw the covers over us and just held her close to me. Her hand came to rest right over my heart. I felt her eyelashes flutter against my skin.

"I feel really spoiled," I whispered into her hair. Her head lifted.

"Spoiled?" she whispered back.

I didn't really know how to explain it. I felt like I was treading into unchartered territory. My fingers brushed agaisnt her charm bracelet and I began to lift each one in turn.

"I feel," I said slowly. "Like I never want you and Shelby to disappear from my life."

The words hung heavy in the air.

"I hope," Molly finally whispered. "That we don't ever have to."

"Do you think that you might want to get married again someday?" I asked quietly. I felt her inhale deeply. The exhale came a little slower.

"I didn't think I would," she finally said. "But, it doesn't sound quite so far-fetched now."

I smiled. "Yeah, I feel the same way."

We didn't say any more. Somehow it felt like we had taken just the right amount of steps tonight. We were tiptoeing in the right direction. I didn't feel like rushing headfirst like I usually did.

I was testing the water and so far it felt just right.

---------------------------------------

"HEY! WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO YOUR SLEEPOVER?"

I opened one crusty eye. Shelby was on my bed peering at me. She stuck her dinosaur slipper right up my nose.

"What?" I croaked.

That's when I realized I still had a nice warm body wrapped in my arms. Molly was curled up next to me and she was still fast asleep.

She was probably the only one that could sleep through Shelby's 'outside' voice that she used whether she was inside or out.

"You had a sleepover!"

Calling it a sleepover sounded much better than giving Shelby 'the talk.' I figured that as long as she knew that boys had wieners and girls didn't that that was enough sex education for the next few years.

"Sorry Shel, we'll invite you next time," I said. She looked at me for a second then hopped off the bed.

"How can you sleep all huggy like that?" she asked. I smiled.

"It's hard but your mommy was real tired," I said. Shelby nodded.

"Yeah, she works too hard."

Just like that she walked out of the room. I heard the TV go on. I slowly nudged Molly's shoulder. Then I nibbled it. She smiled. Her eyes fluttered opened. Then they flew way open.

"Fuck, what time is it?" she whispered.

"Morning," I said quietly.

She sat up. I saw her lady lumps in all their glory. She quickly pulled the blanket back up.

"Shelby..."

"She was already here. She asked why we had a sleepover and she wasn't invited. I told her she'd get an invite next time."

Molly looked horrified for a second. Then I saw her body relax.

"That's it?"

I shrugged. "Pretty much."

We both got up and got dressed. Joe and Ally were both wide awake. They had been doing a great job of sleeping through the night. The only downside was the extremely dirty diapers.

After we got them dressed and Molly dunked Shelby into the bath, Molly and I took turns getting changed. I was just about to ask what we should do for the day when Nick started pounding on the door.

"I'm here to babysit!" he announced. I stared at him like he was crazy.

"Well, I'm here to kinda babysit," Nick corrected. "We're all kinda gonna take turns today so you can go out and get free-sky in Rio with Red."

"That's really nice of you," I said. I leaned out further into the hallway. "You got laid last night, didn't you?"

Nick grinned. "Well, I don't like to brag..."

"Nick, if you could without getting into trouble with the label, I have a feeling you would tweet it."

He laughed. "True."

I didn't turn him down on the offer. And Molly didn't argue. I put on the birthday tiara and begged her to come. She couldn't resist.

I rented a couple bikes and we spent the greater half of the afternoon using the bike paths along the beaches. We stopped for lunch at a nice restaurant and we tried some bacalhau, which was a dry salted cod and for dessert, torta de limão, which was a lime cake.

"This is amazing," Molly said. She held out a bite of cake for me. I took the bite. It sounds weird, but the whole thing was just so...intimate.

It was nice.

By the time we arrived back at the hotel, it was almost evening. Kev and Addy offered to take the evening round. Nick announced that we were going clubbing.

"There's no way we can visit Rio and not go clubbing," he explained.

We ended up at Bombar Redux. The great thing about Rio was the clubs didn't have a closing time. Most people ended up crawling home around five in the morning.

The club had an amazing effect on Molly. If I had to describe her by using a song title, any title, it would be Born to Be Wild. The girl knew how to shake what her momma gave her.

And I was very thankful that her momma gave her so much to shake.

"HOW'S IT FEEL TO BE THIRTY FIVE?" Nick yelled as he walked by with Liv halfway through the night. I laughed.

"PRETTY FUCKING AWESOME!" I yelled back. He gave me a thumbs up and disappeared in the crowd.

"I hope I make thirty look good!" Molly said loudly in my ear. I smiled.

"When's that?"

"February 4!"

I smiled. "Trust me, you're going to make thirty look great."

She laughed and leaned into me. I scooped her up and swung her around.

It seemed almost criminal to be so happy.

Luckily, I had already done my tour of a police station. I was pretty sure I was safe.

Chapter Thirty Two - January 22

"Is she going to have to stay there?"

"She's going to stay overnight, yes."

"I hope you checked these people's references!"

I smiled. Shelby was hanging over Ally's crib with a huge feather boa in her hand. Ever since we had come back from our first month of touring, Shelby had been following me around like a second shadow. Ally was all smiles as she tried to catch the boa in her hands.

In an hour, I was taking Ally to the hospital for the surgery that would implant the cochlear device. I was already a nervous wreck.

"Shelby, what are you doing?"

"I'm playin' with Ally, mommy!"

"She's got to get ready to go to the hospital," Molly said gently. Shelby looked at me and rolled her eyes.

"Mr. J's the one that has to get ready," she said wisely.

She didn't know how right she was.

---------------------------

If it weren't for my mom, I think I would have gone crazy in the waiting room. As it were, she brought a deck of cards for Crazy 8's and we tried to guess the paternity results on an exciting 'new' episode of Maury.

Molly called once, but I didn't have any news to give.

"I love you both to pieces," she said softly. I rubbed my eyes.

"We love you too," I said before I hung up.

"How are things going with Molly?" Mom asked me lightly. I couldn't help but laugh.

"They're going well."

Mom's hand reached over to cover mine.

"As long as she makes you happy," she said. That was all she needed to say.

Before they had taken Ally back, the surgeon had told me that, on average, the surgery lasted about two and a half hours. By the time we entered the third hour, I was at the nurse's station every five minutes.

By the fourth hour, I overheard my mom asking one of the nurses for a sedative for me.

It was going on four and a half hours when the surgeon finally came out. I was on my feet in a second. I must have had a really distraught look on my face because he broke into a reassuring smile.

"Everything went very well. It took a little longer than expected because we were working on such a little girl," he said gently.

"Can I see her?" I asked. The surgeon nodded.

"Follow me."

Ally was still under the effects of the general anesthesia. She was laying on her side. They had to shave two small areas of her scalp right behind both of her ears. My heart panged for all of her soft dark hair that was gone. I touched her little hand.

"You're my brave little girl," I whispered. I knelt down and kissed her perfect appley cheek.

It was only the first step in the process towards getting her hearing back, but in my mind it was the worst. Now that the worst was over, we could look forward to the day when the device was actually turned on.

There wasn't anything I wanted more in the world than for her to hear my voice.

And Molly's. And Shelby's.

"Lord help you when you hear Shelby's voice," I whispered with a smile.

Even though she was completely out of it, I swear Ally smiled too.

---------------------------

I spent the night at the hospital. Ally had been cranky from the moment she had woken up and I spent the night pacing the floor with her. Of course, I couldn't blame her. If I had just gotten a drill rammed into my skull, I'd be bitchy too.

The nurses gave me a laundry list of 'do's' and 'don'ts' and I set up the appointment with the audiologist to turn the implant on. Notwithstanding any problems, February 20th was the day.

The only other problem that I ran into was that Ally wasn't going to be able to fly. That meant that she wasn't going to be able to go to Australia with me. Plus, she had two checkups between now and the time the device went live. That all meant that I was going to have to tell Molly and Shelby they couldn't come with me.

Which meant I was going to miss Molly's birthday.

"Something's bothering you," mom said as I buckeled Ally into her car seat.

"It's nothing," I said.

"It's something."

"I feel shitty leaving her," I said.

"Her as in Ally or her as in Molly?"

I glanced up at mom. It was scary how well she could read me.

"Both," I admitted.

"Well, I was going to offer to watch Ally," mom said with a smile. I started to shake my head, but she stopped me.

"If they need any medical decisions made, they're only going to let a family member give consent," my mom reasoned. "Plus, the fewer people in the house with her during this time, the less risk of infections or colds or anything. And I have had my flu shot."

"What about your speaking engagements?" I asked. She laughed.

"I don't have anything planned until March. I do my best work right before prom season and graduation."

I sighed. "Thanks, mom."

She leaned down and kissed Ally's forehead. She stood up and wrapped an arm around my shoulder.

"That's what mother's are for. You have a job to do."

I sighed. I knew she was right. Being a performer had a lot of great perks but sometimes there were just as many fucking drawbacks.

----------------------------

"Can I see her? Does she still have hair?"

"Shelby, let AJ in the door!"

"Can she hear me?"

Shelby backed up and I headed inside. I smiled.

"She still has hair and no she can't hear you yet."

"Well then the sturgeon didn't DO something right!"

"It's surgeon," Molly corrected.

"And she has to heal before they can turn the thing on," I added.

When we had gotten home from South Africa, I had bought Shelby some of those sneakers that doubled as roller skates. She rolled in a sloppy circle and threw her hands up in the air.

"Well, when I grow up, I'm going to make it so that it only takes ONE HALF OF A SECOND to make people hear!"

I laughed. She didn't realize that at age six it only took people a half a second to hear her, whether they wanted to or not.

"Shel, go back and finish your letters," Molly said. Shelby stopped rolling and whirled around.

"But, letters are stupid," she whined.

"If you want me to make your hair straight like those ladies did in South Africa, you'll go do your letters," Molly warned.

She said the magic words. I heard the sound of the rollerballs going like crazy as Shelby flew into the kitchen.

"How is she?" Molly asked. She knelt down and unbuckled Ally. Two little angry arms flew up in the air.

"She's tired and I'm sure she feels like shit," I reasoned. I paused. "Plus, she can't go to Australia."

Molly looked up in surprise. "She can't fly?"

I shook my head. Molly looked crestfallen. I had a feeling that's probably how I had looked earlier at the hospital.

"Mom's going to come stay with her," I added.

"What? Why?"

"Because you and Shel are coming with me."

"AJ, this is my job. You hired me to watch Ally and Joe."

I knelt down next to her and lowered my voice.

"I think we're passed that point, don't you?"

She blushed. I reached out and lifted her chin so we were eye to eye. She nodded.

"I think we passed that point awhile ago."

I smiled. "Good. Then it's settled." I picked Ally up.

"You're coming with me. Besides, I'm leaving Ally in great hands. If you didn't go who would take care of me?"

Molly laughed. "You don't need anyone to take care of you."

I laughed, but deep down I knew she was wrong.

I needed her to take care of me.

So far she had been doing a damn good job.

Chapter Thirty Three - February 3

For the record, let me just say that leaving Ally was one of the hardest things for me to do. And I thought that I was having a hard time with it, it was nothing compared to Joe.

He was absolutely lost without his quiet little twin sister. He bawled for te first two days straight. Even this morning when I woke up, he was clinging to the side of his crib (he wasn't walking yet, but he was close), whimpering, and looking around hopefully like she might appear.

"Morning champ," I said. He fell back down and looked at me with the most water-logged eyes. My heart broke. I felt like crap.

That was why I was on the phone to my mom in the wee hours of the morning in Malaysia after only two hours of sleep.

"There's a shortcut that says Skype right on the computer mom," I said patiently.

"I've never done this before!"

"I'll walk you through it."

That was easier said than done. By the time I finally saw the screen ome to life, Shelby was awake and hovering over my shoulder.

"Are you watchng a mo---hey that's your house, Mr. J!"

I laughed. The living room came into view for a second and then my mom's face appeared. She seemed to press it right up to the camera.

"Not so close mom!" I said. "Can you get Ally?"

"What time is it there?"

"Early."

I heard her footsteps die away. Joe was chewing on a plastic teething ring. I was hoping more teeth were coming in. He looked like a hillbilly.

A couple minutes later I saw my mom's lower half walk by. She settled down on the couch...

With my Ally bug.

"THAT'S ALLY!" Shelby yelled. My ear began to ring.

Joe looked up at the mention of his sister's name. I pointed to the screen.

"Look Joe! Who's that?"

The moment Joe saw Ally his face broke into a smile. On the other end, Ally was desperately trying to grab at the screen.

"How's she doing mom?" I asked.

"She's doing great. So far, so good."

"Look they're trying to crawl into the computer! Silly babies!"

Shelby was right. Joe's little fingers were opening and closing and he was putting all his weight into my arms in the hope that I would free him.

No such luck.

I spent about twenty minutes chatting with mom and just absorbing the sight of Ally. I had never thought I'd be cut out for this whole 'dad' business, but I was loving every minute.

"Alright, thanks for doing this mom. Love you!"

"I love you too sweetie!"

"Love you Mama J!" Shelby said. Mom's eyes crinkled up.

"Love you too, Shelby."

I shut off the monitor and yawned. Shelby just smiled.

"You look awful tired."

I was tired. I was contemplating a nap when the phone rang. It was Brian.

"Morning. Listen, Nick, Kevin, and Howie are going to the amusement park. I'm keeping my feet on the ground and going to the waterpark with the girls. You in?"

Now, old AJ would have told Brian to have fun wearing his little girly dress at the waterpark with the women. New AJ...

"Yeah, we'll get ready to go. What time should we meet in the lobby?"

"About an hour."

"We'll be there."

----------------------------

The waterpark was bursting to the seams with people. Nick ran off like he was five years old. I think Howie just wanted a day out so bad he was willing to put up with him no matter what.

I was glad that I had chosen to do the waterpark. I couldn't take my eyes of of Molly. She had on this black two piece with one of those sarong thingies and just watching her push Joe in his stroller was making it hard for me to even remember to breath. She reminded me of a juicy apple I just wanted to bite into.

Surprisingly, Shelby had been pretty quiet since we left the hotel. After I forced myself to stop oogling Molly's ass, I glanced down at her. She looked up and slipped her hand in mine.

"You okay?" I asked.

"Mr. J," she whispered. I stopped and knelt down. She looked around as if to make sure no one was going to overhear. She sighed dramatically.

"I can't swim. I don't have webby hands or breathers in my neck. I'll drown."

I smiled and tugged at her ponytail.

"You'll be fine, I promise."

She didn't look so sure but she still followed me. Mason took off to the water cannons and slides with Addy hot on his heels, but for once Shelby didn't follow him. She clung to my hand as the rest of us made our way to Lake Kariba. It was more of just a kid's pool, not very deep and also not very crowded.

Liv had Brian as her pseudo-husband for the day and he helped her take Brooke and Noah in the pool. Molly unhooked Joe from the stroller and found a chair to sprawl out on. Joe curled right up. After not sleeping for a couple days and getting to see his sister, it looked like he was ready for a nap.

Then there was Shelby. She was studying the water like it was going to eat her.

"Okay kiddo, we're going in."

She looked up at me. "Just like that?"

I laughed. "Just like that."

I took her hand and she slowly walked down into the pool with me. One the water got almost to her chest, she stopped.

"This is good," she said. I smiled.

"Nope, I'm going to teach you how to swim."

I put my hands on her and plucked her off the very last step. She screamed.

"I'M GONNA GET WATER IN MY BREATH HOLES!"

"No, you're not! Just relax."

That was easier said than done, but I finally managed to get her to trust me enough to begin to teach her the basics.

"You've got to stretch out like this, tummy down," I said. I held onto her middle.

"Don't let go. I'll be mad," she warned. I smiled.

"Don't worry. Now kick your legs."

It was like a typhoon struck. Big jets of water shot up. Brooke and Noah got hit right in the face.

"Not so hard! Not so hard!"

She slowed down. I smiled.

"There you go. Now move your arms like windmills. Slow windmills."

She did it. I took her arm and showed her how to glide it down into the water. She caught on fast.

"Okay, now do both at the same time."

She did and, after making sure that everything was moving at the right time, I let her go. She swam about three strokes before she realized my hand wasn't on her anymore. She stopped and her arms began to flail.

"MR. J, YOU LET GO!"

I swam back over and twirled her around.

"That's because you just swam!"

She looked surprised.

"I did?"

"You sure did!"

"That was great sweetheart!" Molly called. Shelby looked back at her mom and grinned. Joe was face down in boob and fast asleep.

Lucky guy.

Once Shelby realized she could do it, there was no getting her out of the water. She didn't let me go very far. She told me she wanted me in 'grabby distance' at all times.

I had applied sunblock, but it can only last so long when you're in the water almost all day. By the time we got back to the hotel, I was feeling pretty sore.

"I SWAMMED ALL BY MYSELF! AND THEN I SWAMMED SOME MORE!" Shelby told Mason.

"I SHOT ADDY IN THE BUTT WITH A WATER CANNON!" Mason told her excitedly.

"Noah pooped in his swim shorts and I got to change it," Brian said in mock excitement.

"Yeah, I'm really sorry about that," Liv said. Bri just grinned.

"Nick owes me, not you."

The rest of the evening was left to shower, eat dinner, and crash. The combination of sun and water was enough to wipe everyone out. I crawled into bed, glad that I'd finally get a full night's sleep.

I was just drifting off when I felt a tug on my bedsheet. I opened one eye. It was Shelby. She was holding Joe.

"What are you guys doing?" I asked groggily. Shelby smiled.

"We want to come to a sleepover!" she said happily.

"Where's your mommy?" I asked.

"She's sleeping in the other room. But she already got a sleepover. It was Joe's idea."

I laughed. "Alright, c'mon."

I took Joe as Shelby scrambled over to the empty side of bed. I put Joe down and he snuggled up to me. I doubt he found it quite as comfortable as laying on Molly, but I seemed to do. Shelby smacked the pillow five times and then plopped down.

"Night, Mr. J," she whispered. I yawned and smiled.

"Night Shel."

------------------------------

February 4

"AJ. AJ."

I slowly opened my eyes. Molly was hovering over me. It was a beautiful sight to wake up to.

"You had a sleepover and I wasn't invited," she teased. I looked over. Joe had soaked my ratty old t-shirt with drool. Shelby was laying diagionally across the bed and one arm was flopped off the side. She was kicking her leg in her sleep.

"Sorry, Shelby and Joe said it was their turn," I whispered back. We both smiled. Molly went to get up off the bed, but I wrapped an arm around her waist. I sat up and pressed a kiss onto her shoulder.

"Happy Birthday," I whispered.

"Thank you."

"How's it feel to be thirty?"

She smiled at me. "Not too bad."

It was late morning by the time everyone woke up, washed up, and headed downstairs. The kids all started a mutiny to go back to the waterpark but they were vetoed.

"We're going to have a fun day here at the hotel," Nick announced. Mason and Shelby groaned.

"They have a pool," Kevin added.

"POOL!"

Howie pulled me aside before the kids made a beeline for swimsuits.

"I'm giving you express permission to sneak out for a few hours," he said with a grin.

"Are you passing the torch Senor Erotico?"

Howie made a face. "Hey, you're going to lose your privileges if you ever call me that again."

I grinned. "Well, thank you. Nick's insanity must be rubbing off on you. It takes a strong person to watch Shelby for the day.

Howie laughed. "That's why I'm sticking her with Kevin. Y'know since she's buddy's with Mason and all."

I grinned. "Good plan."

Molly was hanging back a little when I finally caught up to her. I tugged at her hand.

"What's up?"

"You're coming with me."

She laughed. "I think we're all going to the pool."

I shook my head. "Nope, Howie's taking baby patrol and Kevin's taking Shelby watch. You're coming with me."

"Where are we going?"

I grinned. "The last place anyone's going to look for us."

-------------------------

"Your bedroom?"

I closed the blinds and locked the door. I let two solitary candles beside the bed.

I had a bottle of champagne, strawberries, and some light fluffy cake fresh from the kitchen. I wheeled it up to the bed.

"It's your birthday dessert."

I picked up a strawberry and dangled it down to her lips. With agonizingly slow movements, she took it. She grazed my fingertips with her teeth.

"So what are we going to do in here for three hours?" she asked innocently. I slipped off my shoes. I heard them bounce against the wall. I crawled up on the bed.

"I have a couple ideas."

Molly reached over. "What do they involve?"

"Well...the two main ingredients are you and me."

"I have a third."

I couldn't see what she had reached for, but I assumed it was a strawberry.

"Mmm, hit me."

I opened my mouth ready to taste the sweet red fruit. Instead I got a faceful of cake smashed into my face.

"What the--"

She started to laugh hysterically. I reached for another chunk of cake. After a little wrestling she was helplessly pinned down and laughing.

"Don't, don't you dare, don't you---"

I smashed the cake in with gusto. After she stopped laughing I leaned down for a kiss.

"You taste like cake," she whispered.

"So do you."

Her hands wrapped around the back of my head and my lips were on hers again. My head filled with sweet aromas of sugar and vanilla and her. The bed was quickly becoming a mess and I had a feeling we were going to do a lot more with the strawberries than just eat them.

After all, what's cake without strawberries?

Chapter Thirty Four - February 14

"I can't believe how much she grew since I was gone."

"Look at Joe's arm. It looks like he's hugging her in his sleep."

Molly and I were hanging over Ally's crib. Even though jet-setting around the world was awesome, it was even better being home and being there with my little girl. I think Joe felt the same way. Since we had gotten home, he hadn't let his sister out of his sight.

"I think when they get older, Joe's going to be the protectve brother," Molly said. I grinned.

"Yeah, he'll beat the guys away."

It was Valentine's Day. We had been home for all of two days and I wanted to lock all the doors and never leave again.

"You know," I said softly. "Today's Valentine's Day."

Molly looked at me and smiled. "I think Valentine's Day is over-rated."

I looked at her in surprise. "Really?"

She nodded. "Yeah, I mean, think about it. Why do people need one day to gush about how much they love each other? Isn't that what every single day is supposed to be about if you have someone?"

I didn't think I could appreciate her anymore, but I was wrong.

"You're exactly right," I said.

She laughed. I wrapped my arms around her.

"Of course," I said huskily. "If someone did want to give you a little affection today, you wouldn't mind...would you?"

Molly kissed me softly. "I don't think I'd mind too much," she whispered.

I pulled her in for another long, slow kiss. I don't know how much time passed but I heard the unmistakable sound of a little someone clearing their throat.

"Are you making a baby?"

Well if that wasn't like an ice cold bucket of water, I don't know what is. Molly and I both glanced over at Shelby in surprise.

"What?"

Shelby was standing in the doorway with one of those orange Flinstone's ice cream push-pops in her hand.

"I was watching Lifetime and these boy and girl were kissing and then she got a baby," Shelby said. She eyed me suspiciously.

"Honey, AJ and I aren't having a baby," Molly said gently.

"I don't think Ally or Joe would like that," she warned. I secretly enjoyed that she had started to use the little ones to vocalize her own opinions.

"I'll keep that in mind," I said seriously. "I don't want to upset Ally or Joe."

Shelby stuck the push-up in her mouth and took a long suck.

"Kay, just checking."

She skipped off down the hallway.

I turned back to Molly.

"I think we're going to have to sit down with her and explain our relationship," Molly said. I stifled a groan. The last thing I wanted to do was try to explain to Shelby what was going on.

"Do we have too?"

Molly laughed. "Yes, we have too."

"Do we have to do it today?"

"No, not today."

----------------------

February 20

I managed to stay extremely busy for the next few days. I just wasn't ready to sit down with Shelby. I didn't know exactly what to say to a six-year old. I mean I couldn't come out and tell her that her mom was a firecracker in bed and that I was addicted to her like a crack addict.

Today was the day that Ally's implant was going live. Molly and I bustled around in the morning, quickly cleaning up breakfast dishes and getting everyone to go.

"So I get to come?" Shelby asked excitedly. I smiled.

"We're all going. This is a big event."

"You're telling me!"

We arrived for Ally's appointment ten minutes late. We would have been on time except for Joe got the hiccups and threw up chocolate milk all over himself.

"There's the girl of the hour," the audiologist said. He glanced at me. "Are we ready?"

"We're ready."

Ally had done a great job at leaving her head alone. She watched with curiosity as the doctor put a small microphone behind each of her ears.

"This set contains the microphone, speech processor, and a transmitter. It will send a signal to the parts that we actually implanted under the skin."

"Cool! Ally's part robot!" Shelby said excitedly. The audiologist laughed.

"We're going to activate it today and then I'd like you to come back the next two days for tweaking. She's also going to need regular appointments with a speech pathologist."

I nodded. I was aware of all that. All I could think of was the moment when she would actually hear us.

"Are we ready?"

"More than ready," I said.

It seemed like a small crew of people assembled.

"Some of our students are curious as to how this will work on someone so young," the audiologist explained. "Here we go."

"Alright, we're going to turn it back on. And...it's on."

Ally had been happily sucking on a pacifer. At the sound of the word 'on,' she spit it out.

"Hi Ally Bug," I said.

It was the most amazing thing I had ever seen in my life. After month's of talking and her being oblivious, she turned her head and looked up at me in amazement. And...she smiled.

"Can you hear me?"

She gave a little twitch in my arm and let out a little laugh.

"HI ALLY!"

I felt Ally's whole body jump. Shelby put her face right next to Ally's.

She began to wail.

"Shelby, shh. Use your indoor voice."

"BUT!"

"I'm going to turn it off for a second," the audiologist said. "It might be that the set is turned on too high."

"No, Shelby's turned on too high," Molly said. She put a finger to her lips. Shelby pouted.

The audiologist adjusted a few controls. "Let's try it again."

By this time Ally had calmed down. She kept staring at me as if she was desperae to hear me say something again.

"And we're live."

"Hey beautiful. This is your big day."

Her eyes lit up. Joe leaned over and touched her arm. He let out a happy shriek. She immediately mimicked him.

"Hi Ally," Shelby whispered. This time Ally turned and just smiled at her. Her little arm went out and bumped Shelby's nose.

We spent about two hours in the doctor's office. The audiologist would leave the implant on for twenty minutes, leave the room, and we would monitor Ally's reaction to different stimuli. Then he would come back in, make adjustments, and we'd repeat.

"I think we're going to leave it on at this setting. I'd like to see you tomorrow morning. If there's any problem's just turn it off with this button."

I felt overwhelmed, but in a good way. Ally's beautiful smile was like Ro reborn. I couldn't take my eyes off of her.

"This was really cool!" Shelby said happily as we all headed towards the car. Molly touched my arm.

"She looks like a whole new baby," Molly said. Ally's head lifted up. She stared at Molly and cooed.

"She looks like her mom," I admitted. It was the first time I had said that out loud. Molly smiled.

"Then she was an absolutely stunning woman."

"She was. But then again, so are you."

Molly blushed. As I buckled in Ally, Molly leaned over me.

"Just so you stop worrying, I already talked to Shelby."

I glanced at her in surprise. "You did?"

Molly grinned. "Yeah. She says it's okay that you love me. She loves you too."

I smiled. I couldn't have asked for anything more.

Chapter Thirty Five - March 1

"Do you have to go?"

I didn't know what was worse: kissing Jonah and Ally and walking out of their nursery before they realized what was really going on, or standing at the doorway with Shelby clinging to my legs with huge tears swimming in her eyes.

"You know it's not going to be for long," I said softly. "You need to help your mommy with the babies."

"But I'm the announcer! You can't do this without me!"

A big tear slid down her cheek.

"It's not going to be for long. Mommy and you and the babies are going to meet up with me in Italy. I'll take you to the Leaning Tower of Piza."

Shelby sniffled. "There's a tower of pizza in Italy?"

I laughed. "No, that's just what they call the tower. But they have good pizza."

She sighed dramatically. Slowly her arms left my leg.

"Well, don't slack off because we're not there," she warned. I smiled.

"I'll be on my best behavior."

"And you have to miss us."

I laughed. "I will miss you bunches."

"Shelby, what are you doing, silly girl?"

Molly walked out of the kitchen. She held out a push-pop. Shelby skipped over and took it.

"Just giving Mr. J. some important instructions," she said before she shoved the ice cream in her mouth.

Molly looked at me and I was suddenly faced with my third reason why leaving was agony. She walked up to me slowly. I took her hands.

"I'm going to miss you like crazy," I whispered.

"I'll miss you, too. But everything will be fine. Next time you see Ally she might even be talking."

I laughed. "Do you work miracles that fast?"

A smile played on her lips. "Sometimes."

We kissed, but it didn't seem like long enough. Hell, forever didn't seem like long enough.

"I'll meet you in Italy," I said. Molly laughed.

"You better have a bottle of good wine. I'm going to need a drink after flying alone with three kids."

I laughed. "I'll keep that in mind."

-----------------

By the time I got to the airport and saw everyone assembled there, I felt a little better. Nick and Howie were also kid-less and woman-less. Of course that meant that once we arrived in Germany that we would also be sharing a bus.

There were good points to living with Nick and there were bad points to living with Nick. I could say the same about Howie. Those two are completely yin and yang. The only fun part about the whole thing was that the chance of a Puerto Rican explosion was high.

Of course, I didn't help matters any. We were on our way to Rotterdam and Howie and our fill-in photographer, Sam were sleeping noisily. I slid out of my bunk at the same time Nick slid out of his.

"Can't sleep?" I whispered. He shook his head.

"You?"

"Negative."

I glanced over at the curtain that separated Sleeping Howie from us. I could just picture him laying there with his mouth wide open. I glanced back at Nick. He grinned.

"What's the plan?" I asked. I knew we were both thinking the same thing...

Prank.

Nick shrugged. "I don't know. I was thinking the old 'soap' routine, but I've already done it. Of course...

Nick crawled back into his bunk and I hear the telltale sound of his duffel bag unzipping. He came back a second later with a small bag in his hands.

"I accidentally repacked my stuff in Liv's tote. She forgot to take out her little makeup bag."

I couldn't help it; I grinned.

"Are you saying you want to glam up Ms. Dorough?" I whispered. Even though it was dark, I had a good hunch that Nick's eyes were sparkling with that mischievious glint that he got in his eyes whenever he wanted to piss the shit out of someone.

Nick and I went out to the living room and he laid out the contents of our arsonal. Lipstick, mascara, blush, eyeshadow, and nailpolish. I picked up the eyeshadow and nailpolish. Nick picked up the lipstick and blush.

"Let's do this," I whispered.

We practically tiptoed back to the bunk. Making sure that the overhead lights were as dim as they oculd be, I slowly pulled back the curtain.

Sure enough, Howie was laying there with his mouth open and his eye cracked just slightly. He could have made a good living as a freaky ass corpse in haunted houses around Halloween.

Nick and I didn't waste much time collaborating. We were both armed with two weapons. I had picked the ones that I knew the most about. Ever so slowly I pulled back Howie's covers at his feet. I stopped once his toes were free.

Luckily for me, Howie doesn't toss and turn a lot. I unscrewed the cap of pink (officially called 'Kiss Me 'Til I Blush) nailpolish and began to apply nice even strokes. Meanwhile, Nick was stroking Howie's face with the wide bristled blush brush. Nick was using way too much, but I wasn't about ready to stop and explain proper technique.

After I had successfully gotten one foot done. I took a break and watched Nick again. He lifted the cap of the lipstick and pushed the stick up. Ever so slowly he ran the stick along Howie's bottom lip.

Howie's mouth went closed and both of us held our breath. I almost pissed myself when a second later Howie licked his bottom lip, his eyebrows arched in pleasure, and he smiled. Nick covered his mouth and bent over outside the bunk. I saw his shoulders shaking like crazy.

Once I was sure I wasn't going to laugh out loud, I went back to work on Howie's second foot. Every so often he shifted, but I managed to get all ten toes to look luscious. I moved up to his face and opened the eyeshadow.

I picked a heavy shade of blue for his lids. In contrast to the horrible streaks of deep pink running across his cheekbones, he was looking like an instant drag queen. Nick squeezed in next to me and ran the lipstick over his front lip. Again we both had to stop for another lick and smile. Nick held the tube up to his nose and sniffed.

"I don't think this is one of those that tastes like anything," he whispered.

I shrugged. Obviously Howie got off on tasting wax.

We all had our thing.

Eventually Nick took the nailpolish and did a horribly crappy job on Howie's nails. We stood back and observed our handiwork.

"Not bad," I said.

"Not bad at all," Nick said. He took out his cellphone and took a picture. I ducked back, sure that the flash was going to wake him.

All I heard was a snore.

"Chicken," Nick whispered as he pulled Howie's curtains completely closed.

I snickered. After all that, I was actually tired. Nick and I did our Jizzle/Nizzle handshake.

"Night," Nick whispered.

"Night," I whispered back.

----------------------------------------

"WHAT THE HELL? I'MMA GONNA KILL YOU GUYS!"

The curtain on my bunk was ripped back. I was staring at Howie and tried to look confused.

"Why do you look like a fuckin' Avon lady?" I asked innocently.

"NICK!"

Howie left my curtain hanging. I quickly grinned with Howie's back turned. I loved seeing Nick get reamed.

Howie yanked open his curtain. Sam peeked out from his sleepily.

"What's going on?"

"What did I do, man? Wow, you look pretty."

Even though I'm horrible at keeping secrets, I still do it better than Nick. I couldn't tell whether it was just the blush or not, but Howie's face was red. Even though Nick had height and weight on him, Howie dragged him out of his bunk by the shirt.

"What you think you're doing? Can't I even fucking get some sleep without you guys jacking around with me?"

"I didn't do nothing!" Nick said innocently. "It was AJ!"

Howie's head swiveled to me. I held up my hands and shook my head no.

"I know it was both of you. Don't think I was born yesterday."

Howie gave Nick a jab in the stomach which wasn't meant to do more than just make him double over dramatically. I heard heavy footsteps down the bus and the sound of the bathroom door slamming shut.

Nick and I started to laugh.

"Wow, that was the shittiest makeup job I've ever seen," Sam said. He pulled the curtains back and I heard him roll over on the mattress.

An hour later the three of us were in the sitting area of the bus. Howie was staring at his nails. I had given him a bottle of remover. He had about twenty wadded up tissues around him that were bright pink.

"You guys just wait," he said bitterly.

Nick and I shared a smile. Howie sucked at pranks. Except for that one time when he put that tiger bomb on Nick's earpiece after he tried to hide it in the crouch of Howie's pants. Now that had been ingenious.

Howie looked up.

"Oh, don't laugh," he said. "You both are at the top of my hit list."

I snorted. I guess Howie was part mob boss now.

"Is Leigh's dad 'The Godfather'?" I asked.

Howie snickered. "He makes a deal you can't refuse," he answered.

I sprawled out on the couch and Nick hooked up some new video game console. I couldn't keep up anymore. Nick probably ran over kids the first day the damn things came out. He tossed me a remote and we started testing out some of the new games.

Meanwhile Ms. Howie was still working on his nails.

I wasn't too concerned about revenge. It was a game that I was an expert at.

Howie was still a rookie.

Chapter Thirty Six - March 16

At our March 12 concert in Oslo, Howie ended up getting Nick and I back for the makeup prank and as a result, I had the worst week of my life. Luckily, our next concert wasn't until March 17 in Sweden. For the past three days, I had been holed up at a hotel in Norway sicker than a dog. Howie had tricked Nick and I into standing outside in the freezing cold in our underwear, and as a result, I was a fucking human faucet. Howie was paying the price. I was making him my own personal bitch. I made him go get me chicken soup even when I didn't want it. I figured it was the least he could do. Right?

On the morning of the fourth day, I was finally beginning to feel better, but I still looked like shit. This was only solidified when I connected to Skype for a desperately needed chat from home.

"Wow, Mr. J. you look REALLY bad. Your nose is all pinky."

I blew my nose loudly and sighed. Skyping while sick wasn't pleasant, but my homesickness was increasing by the day. Shelby had her face pressed up to the screen. Joe was getting squished on her lap.

"I TOLD you that you needed us there!"

"I've just got a little cold, Shel."

Shelby wrapped her arms around Joe and squeezed. He let out a little squeal.

"HERE'S MOMMY!"

Shelby turned the laptop just in time for me to see Molly sit down with Ally. I smiled.

"Hey babe. Hey Ally."

At the sound of her name, Ally leaned forward and giggled.

"How's she doing?"

Molly grinned. "Really well. She loves music. She can't get enough of it."

"SHE'S GONNA BE A ROCK STAR AND I'M GONNA BE HER MANAGER AND ANNOUNCER!" Shelby yelled. Ally looked over at Shelby. I was waiting for her to cry but she just bounced happily. Molly laughed.

"For some reason, Shel seems to amuse her too."

I grinned. Everyone looks so happy and--

"ACHOO!"

"Ew, that was a lot of snot."

"Are you performing tomorrow?"

I smiled weakly. "Sure am."

"I am so talking to Howie when I get over there."

I grinned. I really wanted to see that. I bet Molly was incredibly hot when she was mad.

"I'll be fine. I'm going to take my miracle cure tonight."

"What's that?"

"Hot tea, lemon, and a shot of whiskey."

Molly sighed. Shelby was making Joe's arms fly around like he was hula dancing. He was looking annoyed.

"I'm going to let you guys go. Be safe and I'll see you in twelve days," I said. Molly blew me a kiss.

"Love you, Mr. J!"

"BYE!"

"SQQUEEEE!"

----------------

March 28 - Italy

Twelve days later, the guys and I had traveled to Sweden, Finland, Switzerland, Spain, and Portugal and had finally arrived in Milan. Nick, Howie, and I were all camped out at the airport Malpensa.

"I can't wait to see them," Nick said. Howie and I both looked over at him.

"You took off on us and flew home two weeks ago," Howie said.

"It was Brooke's birthday!"

"You left me and I was dying," I said. Nick grinned.

"I didn't get sick."

I just rolled my eyes.

All of my aches and pains seemed to disappear when I saw the little redheaded girl flying past the other passengers.

"OUT OF MY WAY! I NEED -- MR. J!!!"

I knelt down and held out my arms. A second later I had a beaming little lady choking the shit out of me.

"YOU LOOK BETTER!"

I laughed. "I feel better."

"Can we get pizza?"

"Shelby, take it down a notch. Or twenty."

Molly set the carseats down. Two happy little faces peered out.

"Hi Joe. Hi Ally-bug."

"D-d-d-d-d."

I froze. Joe was clearly 'd'-ing it up. I held my breath. But he just couldn't get it out. I felt a slap on the back.

"Oh, so close."

I glared up at Nick. He was smiling down at the kids.

"Aww, I want one. Can I have one?"

"Hey, Carter, you've got two right here!"

Nick looked up. Liv was walking towards us trying to juggle Brooke and Noah. Brooke was wailing at the top of her lungs.

"DON'T CRY!" Shelby yelled. She snapped her fingers. Then she snapped them again.

"What are you doing?"

"Snappin'."

"Why?"

"Because I just learned HOW!"

Leigh wasn't far behind Liv. Suddenly our lonely little group of three had become a nice happy bustling mob of excitement.

I had missed it.

-----------------------------------

After meeting up with Bri and Kev at the hotel and dropping off the luggage, we piled into two busses that took us to the train station.

"Where are we going?" Molly asked.

I smiled. "We're going to see the Leaning Tower of Pisa."

"PIZZA!" Mason shouted. Shelby wrapped her arms around his neck and squeezed.

"PISA, SILLY!" she shouted. She let go of his neck and they both giggled.

As we got settled on the train. The first thing I did was get Ally and Joe on my lap. Ally stood up and touched my face.

"Hi beautiful."

She smiled and began to babble. I didn't care of they were words...they were still sounds and that's all that mattered.

Joe stood up soon after his sis. I had two little black haired babies staring me right in the face.

"D-d-d-d," Joe babbled.

I knew the word was going to come. And soon. I couldn't wait to finally hear one of my children call me daddy.

-------------------------------

"Oh, Kev."

"This was well worth the flight, Nick."

"I'm in love."

The last statement was the most important. Molly wrapped her arms around my waist and leaned into me. We were all staring around at beautiful Tuscany and at the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

"WOW! SOMEBODY SCREWED UP!" Shelby yelled. I glanced down. Both her and Mason had their heads tipped to the side. I laughed.

We took a tour of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Liv snapped so many photographs of everybody pretending to 'hold up the tower' and pictures of couples standing in front of it that I think we all had spots dancing in front of our eyes for an hour or two. Sam finally took the camera and made Liv endure the same torture.

"Who's ready for pizza?" I asked. I for one was starved. I had just climbed 296 stairs going up and then coming down.

"PIZZA!" Shelby, Mason, James, and Baylee said in unison.

"ZA!" Brooke said.

"Num, num," Noah added.

We ended up at a little cafe that we filled to compacity and that served the most amazing pizza I've had in my life. And considering I've had New York and Chicago style pizza, that's saying something.

"How is it Shel?" I asked. I watched Molly pulled a piece of cheese off her chin and slowly lick it into her mouth.

I suddenly wanted to be a piece of cheese.

"It's not bad. I like Chuck E. Cheese better," she said. Mason nodded.

I couldn't help but picture Nick stuck in that ride and Kevin's hands trapped on his ass. I grinned. Kev gave me a look.

"Don't even say it," Kev said. He folded his slice and took a big bite.

After a few more hours walking around and admiring the beautiful architecture, we took the train back to Milan. All of the kids were half asleep.

"I'm not sleepy," Shelby whispered as she clung to Molly's hand. Ally and Joe had their heads on my shoulders and they were fast asleep.

"I think you are," Molly said. We headed into the room adjacent to the master bedroom.

I got the twins to sleep and Shelby took forever brushing her teeth, trying to prolong the inevitable. Finally she came out and crawled into bed. I sat down and pulled the covers over her head. She laughed and pulled them down. I tucked the sides in and she wiggled down.

"Hey Mr. J?" she whispered. I glanced over to the bathroom. Molly was brushing her teeth.

"Yeah?" I whispered back.

"Mommy said she's going to sleep in your bed tonight. But Joe and Ally might need to come in if they get scared, okay?"

I really wanted to show Molly another famous tower tonight, but I saw the worry in Shelby's eyes. I leaned down and kissed her forehead.

"I think that would be okay," I said.

She smiled. "Good to know."

Molly headed out of the bathroom.

"I'm going to leave the night light on for you Shel, okay?"

Shelby nodded. I left the room and headed into the master bath to wash my face while Molly said her goodnight.

I was flossing my teeth when Molly walked in. Her arms looped around my waist. I paused in my flossing and smiled.

"I've missed you," she said gently. I set down the string and turned around. My hands slid down to her ass.

"I missed you too."

She pressed against me and ran her tongue agaist my bottom lip before biting it. I inhaled deeply.

"Shelby said the "twins" might get scared tonight," I whispered. "We might have company."

Molly looked up at me. I leaned down and nibbled on her neck. I felt her fingernails press into my back through my shirt.

"We could always take a shower before bed," she whispered.

She didn't have to ask me twice. I locked the bathroom door and turned around grinning.

Five minutes later we were absolutely naked and Molly was pressed against me and slowly running the best smelling soap down between our bodies.

"You drive me crazy," I teased. She laughed.

"How crazy?"

I backed her against the wall. The soap dropped from her hands. As good as it smelled, I wasn't that concerned about its disappearance.

"Absolutely fucking crazy," I said. I grabbed her hands and pressed them against the beautiful decorative tile. The tips of her fingers curled. Her legs wrapped around my waist. I watched her chest rise and fall quickly.

"What are you going to do about it?" she said, this time in barely a whisper. I pressed my lips against hers. I was taking no prisoners. I didn't want an inch of space between us. I wanted hair pulling, skin biting, glass shattering sex. When I finally did let go of her wrists to press my full weight against her as I entered her, I felt her nails rip into my back so bad that I thought for sure she was going to draw blood.

I loved it.

"Show me what you got," she growled.

She poised it as a challenge.

It was a challenge I knew we could both come out winners.

Chapter Thirty Seven - April 6 - Liverpool, England - Echo Arena

"This is so cool. I don't know many kids that get to celebrate their first birthday in Liverpool."

I was pushing Ally and Joe in a stroller and we were visiting sites in an iconic Beatles tour. Shelby was clinging to Molly's hand. She was dressed like she had just walked out of the 1960's. Moll had straightened her hair and she wore a wide, thick headband. She had on white gogo boots and a bright blue dress with yellow daisies all over it.

"Do you know what Penny Lane is, Shel?" I asked. She nodded and began to skip.

"Uh-huh. The Beatles sang it."

I smiled. I thouht back to the day Molly had applied for the job. Shelby had jammed out to I Am the Walrus.

"You're absolutely right."

"And you spill it B-E-A-T-L-E not B-E-E-T-L-E. I like musicians because they make up their own stuff," Shelby added. Molly and I shared a smile.

After our tour, we headed back to the hotel. We were performing at the Echo Arena that night, but not before we all had some cake. Everyone squeezed into my room.

"I can't believe they're one," Leigh said as I slipped Ally into a high chair. She grabbed the little plastic spoon excitedly. Molly slipped Joe into the high chair right beside her.

"Did you get cupcakes?" Liv asked. I shook my head. "Nope."

I lifted the lid of the trays on the roomservice cart. Two little cakes, one in pink, one in blue, sat on little plates.

"They get their own cake."

"I WANT CAKE!" James yelled. I nodded towards the big sheetcake on the second rack of the cart. That seemed to satisfy him.

"Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday Ally and Joe, Happy Birthday to you!" we sang in unison.

"AND MANY MORE! ON CHANNEL FOUR!" Shelby sang off-key.

"AND SCOOBY-DOO ON CHANNEL TWO!" Mason added. Molly and Kev lightly covered both of their mouths at the same time. I picked up the plates and set them down on the trays of the highchairs.

Ally looked at the cake with wide eyes. She was still holding her spoon, unsure of what to do. Joe looked up at me and beamed.

"DADA!"

It wasn't just a long set of d's. This was the full word and he had an audience. Everyone clapped for him. I was rendered absolutely fucking speechless. His voice was so damn cute. He puffed out his little chest and dug his hands in the cake, stuffing his fingers in his mouth and nodding in approval.

Ally turned her head and watched him. A minute later she was copying him.

"SILLY BABIES!" Shelby said. It was her favorite phrase. She tugged on my hand.

"So how's about that cake?"

-----------------------

April 7 - London, England

"He said dada again this morning," I told Nick.

"I swear that's the most awesome thing in the world. It makes all of those dirty diapers and long nights worth it."

"It really does," I said.

While the girls had taken the kids out shopping, Nick and I had stole away to stroll the streets of London. I had an idea bubbling in the back of my mind and I was glad to have Nick along.

By the time we got to New Bond Street, I knew without a doubt I was going to go through with it. I stopped in front of a beautiful brick storefront with small black signs. On those signs was the fancy gold lettering of 'Cartier.'

"I need to stop in here," I said. Nick looked up in surprise.

"Really?"

I nodded. "Really."

Nick followed me in. Diamonds glittered up from all of the cases.

"Can I help you?" a saleswoman asked. She looked at me with a little bit of distaste. I guess she didn't wait on many people wearing a Hendrix t-shirt.

I looked up. I was used to being judged. It didn't bother me anymore.

"Yes, I'd like to see your best selection of engagement rings."

The lady nodded and walked off to gather some rings in a little tray. I felt Nick's eyes on me.

"Dude, are you going to propose to Molly?"

I snickered. "Well, I'm not proposing to you."

Nick leaned against the case. "When are you going to do it?"

I felt my palms begin to sweat. Sonofabitch.

"Here's some of our best selections," the lady said. She set down a black velvet tray.

I was suddenly overwhelmed. I knew exactly what I would have chosen, but then again I loved flash and dazzle. Molly was different. She was a mom. She needed something beautiful, but also something practical.

"The diamonds shouldn't be raised too much," I said. Nick held up a ring and studied it.

"All of these are fairly expensive," the clerk added.

"I don't care about that," I said. "I can afford it."

There was nothing on the first tray that caught my eye. Or the second. As the clerk went to fill up the tray a third time, I began to walk around.

"Liv would like this," I heard Nick say. I walked a little farther past the watches and necklaces.

In a corner cabinet was a simple display of five rings. The one on the bottom left made me stop in my tracks.

It was beautiful; 18 karat gold. It almost looked like a flower. Little gold scallops looped off of a circle of little diamond chips encircling a larger diamond right in the center. I couldn't take my eyes off of it.

"What did you find J?"

I crouched down. "I found it."

Nick hovered over me. "It's different. I like it. Want me to try it on?"

I looked up at him. He smiled sweetly and batted his eyelashes.

"I don't know why I brought you with me."

He laughed. "Because you love me."

I snorted. The clerk came up with a third tray.

"Here's some more selections."

I stood up and pointed to the case. "I'd like to see that one."

She looked at me doubtfully. "Really?"

At this point I was getting a little cranky. "Yes, really. What you've shown me so far are nice but they're fairly inexpensive. I'm going to propose."

The clerk made a big show of getting the ring out of the case. It was five thousand dollars. It was perfect.

"I'll take it."

---------------------------

April 9 - Belfast, Northern Ireland

We arrived in Northern Island for our concert at the Odyssey Arena a day early. Nick didn't hesitate a moment when I asked him early in the morning if he would watch Shelby and the twins.

"Today the day?" he asked. I smiled.

"Today's the day."

Molly was trying to tame her hair with a bottle full of water when I walked into the bathroom. I kissed her bare shoulder.

"You're coming with me," I said. She turned and laughed.

"What?"

"You and me. We're going sightseeing today."

"What about--"

"Nick and Liv are watching them."

"But--"

"No buts."

We joined one of those hokey tours that are complete tourists traps for the morning. I mimicked the guys thick accent and made up as many dirty names for the guy's handlebar mustache as I possibly could. By the end of the tour Molly was practically lying in my arms laughing.

"That was fun," she said as we hopped off. In reality, I had paid the group to drop us off a little early. As Molly's laughs died off she looked around.

"Wait, we're not anywhere near the hotel."

I smiled. "No we're not."

We were, in fact, in Cavehill County Park in front of Belfast Castle. The sun was high overhead and there was a soft breeze that blew Molly's hair gently behind her.

There was no other place on earth I could imagine proposing to my beautiful redhead then in Ireland. Molly eyed the castle.

"This is amazing."

I took her hand and we headed around the castle. I had done enough homework to know that to the side was a beautiful flower garden with magnificient green wrought-iron benches. Flowers were just beginning to bloom and the deep purples and pinks just made it all the more romantic.

"J, your hand's sweating," Molly said as I tugged her towards the bench.

"It's warm out."

"It's not even sixty degrees!"

"Sit down, okay?"

She sat down slowly. She looked concerned. A little wrinkle appeared in the space between her eyes whenever she was stressed or nervous. This was one of those times.

I paced back and forth a few times.

"Did I do something?" she asked shakily. I shook my head.

"No it's not that. It's just..."

"Is there someone else?" Now I was freaking her out in a totally different direction than what I wanted. I needed to turn the situation back around fast.

"No!" I said. "I..."

My hand slipped into my pocket. She was holding her hands together so hard that her knuckles were turning white. I took out the Cartier box and sank down onto my knees.

She started to shake. Her mouth opened, but before she could speak I opened the box.

"Mol, I love you. I love Shelby. You saved my life just when I thought it was over. You're a mother to my children. I would love nothing more than if you would consider becoming my wife. Will you marry me?"

She studied the ring. The light danced off of the stones. I saw a big tear slip down her cheek. She unclasped her hands. They were shaking badly. Just when I was about ready to crap my pants, she nodded.

"Yes. Yes. YES!"

"Yes?"

"YES!"

I took the ring from the box and grabbed her hand. I slid the ring on her finger and then brought it up to my mouth.

Overhead I swear I saw a raven fly by. I hadn't seen one since the day I visited Ro's grave.

Somewhere up there I hoped that she was smiling down.