It had been five years. That’s a long break. I mean, it was necessary, but still…it was long.

Five years since our last tour ended. I have to admit that I’m having a hard time getting back into the swing of things. And well, I just feel different this time around.

We’re headed to St. Louis now. Our last show in Milwaukee went well, and now we’re just relaxing on the bus.

Well, that’s what I’m doing. I’m trying to read a book because I can’t sleep.

I know why, but the guys don’t.

But I should tell them.

Kristin and I made the decision that this will be our last time around. The last album cycle I do.

At least for now it is. I guess I feel a bit guilty.

I don’t want to leave them. I know they’re not kids anymore but seriously, will they even get to interviews on time?

Shit, will they even stay together? I guess that’s a little bigheaded of me. Oh well.

We made the decision a couple of months ago, before the tour started. But I still haven’t told them. I guess I’m waiting for the right time, whenever that is.

Don’t get me wrong, I love this. And being out of the spotlight for years really made me miss this. But now, I miss my wife.

We all agreed to share one bus on this short tour, which meant we also agreed not to bring wives or kids along.

While I think it’s a great idea, I really miss my wife.

And as far as kids go, we definitely want some of those. We’ve been trying for a couple years now, and we’re not getting any younger. And with me traveling all the time, we just don’t have time to try anymore.

Another reason why we came to our decision.

I should really tell the guys soon.

I just don’t know when.

So for now I’m going to lie back and try to read my book.

Damn, this book is a tad boring. Even for me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know when you know you’re sleeping?

Well, I must have been dozing. You know that half dream state that you’re in right before you fall asleep? I used to do this all the time so that Nick couldn’t mess with me.

Makes for a major lack of sleep.

But I was half dreaming. If you can call it that.

I was backstage watching the guys ready to go on without me.

It was weird being on this side. Well, it was a feeling I couldn’t describe. Almost like I was beside myself watching all of it.

I was holding their hands in the prayer circle. But this time I was in my regular clothes and not my stage clothes.

And watching them on stage…they seemed so happy.

Almost…happier?

And Howie was singing more. I guess he got to sing most of my song parts. Not that they were much.

Good for him.

And I was happy too. Very happy. Kristin and I had a little one with us. He looked just like her.

It was all just bittersweet. And right.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I suddenly felt someone shaking me.

“Kev, Kev…wake up, dude. Are you sleeping?”

Was I? “Yes.”

“No you’re not. You answered me, dude! I think something’s wrong with the bus! We stopped in the middle of nowhere, but I’m too scared to check it out!”

I checked my watch and saw that it was 4 am. Damn. I guess I was sleeping.

I can hear the cacophony of gunshots against the familiar background noises of the bus. Guess he was playing that damn video game again.

I took a quick look around. All I can hear were those damn gunshots…and snores. Those were AJ’s.

I guess he finally fell asleep. He was bitching about his insomnia earlier.

There’s another bad part about sharing a bus. His snores. And well, his bitching. I couldn’t help but chuckle to myself.

Last tour, the snoring was a good thing. Proved to me he was at least alive. And now, it’s like he’s a completely different person.

And I’m so proud of him, more than words can say.

I’m really gonna miss these guys. But I’ve got to tell them soon.

On my way up to the front of the bus to investigate, I met up with our bus driver.

“I wasn’t sure if anyone was awake. Seems like we got a flat tire. We’re in the middle of nowhere so it may take awhile. I’ve already called for help so you guys sit tight.”

As I turned around to head to the back of the bus, my eyes met Nick’s sleepy ones. “What the hell is going on? Did we hit an armadillo?”

“Flat tire, Nick. And we’re in Wisconsin. There’s no armadillos here.”

“Damn, that sucks. It’s gonna take forever to get help! What the hell are we gonna do to stay entertained? Entertain me!”

Was he serious?

“Nick, do I look like Chuck E. Cheese to you? You can keep playing your video games. Or you can go to sleep.”

“Nah, I’m gonna go wake the guys up.” Now what would make him think that would be a good idea?

I went back to reading my book. Or at least pretending to.

After about five minutes, the snores were replaced by a slew of four letter words from a familiar, yet raspier than usual voice. A couple minutes later, a very disheveled AJ and my surprisingly alert cousin came into the back area.

It’s amazing how that kid can convince anyone to do anything.

“Where’s Howie?”

“Bathroom.” Nick answered.

Not five minutes later, a grumpy looking Howie emerged and dropped onto the chair next to me. The other three were already playing video games.

“So why was I so rudely awaken?” Poor Howie.

“Flat tire” Nick answered.

“And what does that have to do with me sleeping?”

“I was bored and figured that we can bond”

“Um, we have tomorrow to bond. Goodnight.” He was on his way back to his bunk.

“Hooooooooooowie…come on!” Oh God, now he was whining. Howie turned around and walked to the console and unplugged it.

Nick just stood there with his mouth wide open in shock. Brian and AJ were deer in headlights.

“Fine. Let’s bond then.”

“What the fuck?”

Now I was really amused.

“Ok Nick, so what’s on your mind?” Wow, Howie was really cracking me up.

He looked exhausted. Wonder if he’ll remember this tomorrow. He was getting comfortable in the chair again.

I really should tell them now.

“I’ll go first!” Great, let’s see what AJ has to say.

“There’s this new girl…”

“Oh Lord! Nobody wants to talk about who you’re banging at the moment, dude.”

"But i think she's the one guys!"

We all laughed.

“Sorry AJ, but I'm with Nick. Let’s talk about the new album instead.” New album? My cousin is crazy.

“Cuz, we just started the tour! Maybe we should hold off on talking about the album.”

I need to tell them.

“What’s wrong with talking about the album, Kev? There’s nothing else to do!”

“Well, AJ, we could all go to sleep.”

“I can’t sleep on the bus when it’s not moving. It makes my stomach hurt.”

He is so weird.

“AJ, that doesn’t even make any sense. You sleep in your bed at home and that’s not moving.” Thanks, Howie.

“Whatever, it’s my stomach. I can’t help what it does. It usually only happens on buses.”

Howie rolled his eyes.

“Well, me and Brian are gonna talk about the album. AJ, you’re welcome to join us too. I was thinking that we can kind of go back to the Millenium type of sound. And I’ve already been thinking about producers that we can work with.”

Now Nick was in on the talk and he was insistent.

I started to feel a little anxious because I knew I needed to tell them.

My heart started racing.

“Well guys, you know how Jive is. It’s not like we can do what we want.” I was really sick of it. Yet another reason I couldn’t do this anymore.

I’m sick of not feeling respected.

“Well yeah, Kev, but we only have a couple more albums with them and then we can move on. We can go indie or to another label.”

Howie was sounding extremely positive. Guess he was on the ‘let’s talk about the new album’ bandwagon now.

I’m not so sure any other label would want to pick us up.

I’ve thought about this over and over and over again. And although I wasn’t really having second thoughts, I really don’t think I can do this to them.

“Kev, are you ok?”

Suddenly I thought back to my dream. Well, daydream/dozing dream. It think they’re gonna be ok without me.

I really do.

These guys are my brothers and I have to tell them. I owe them that much. That way they can talk about their album and decide what they’re going to do.

I have to tell them. And everything in that dream seemed so real…and right. They were so happy. And so was I.

“Earth to Kev!” Nick was waving his bony hand in my face.

“I’m fine. I really am.”

“I think he was thinking about Kristin’s tits.”

“No, I think you were buddy. But guys…”

I took a breath.

“Guys, seriously I think we need to talk…”

Right then I felt the bus start up again. The bus driver then appeared in the doorway of the back area of the bus.

“Wow, they were here in about 15 minutes and already fixed the tire! We’re on our way.”

What the hell? Are we in the twilight zone? That was like the fastest tire changing in the history of tire changing!

All the guys jumped up at the same time.

“Good! Now that we’re gonna get going, I can go back to sleep.” AJ ran to his bunk.

Nick ran to the tv and plugged his console back in.

Brian decided to go call Leighanne.

So much for bonding.

Howie looked at me. “Did you have something to tell us, Kev?”

I looked over at him.

“No, not right now.”

I guess I can tell them tomorrow.