How do you know where your life is supposed to go? Which road is the right road to take? Do I follow the yellow brick road and end up back home? What if home is the worst place that I could be?

I am full of so many questions. None, which can be answered by anyone, even me. It’s my own fault that I question the very meaning of my life. Being scared of what I had or could have had made me runaway from what was most important to me.

I had to make a choice in my life; it was now or never. Do I live in my unhappiness or do I go back to what I lost? The pros and cons for each weren’t simple. If I stayed where I was, I would never have to worry about being rejected by true love. What if I went back to him and he had another love? I don’t know if I could handle it. I have never loved another as much as I loved him.

My choice was beginning to become clearer as the days passed. Without a job I couldn’t exactly live on my own. I couldn’t afford to live alone. It was time to face reality and go back home. This was the one place I was afraid to go. Memories flood my mind and fill me with regret.

I took the key out of my purse, it still worked. He never changed the lock. Did I even have the right to come back into this house? What if he was in bed with his new girlfriend? What if he didn’t want to see me again? That last question was probably true. Why would he want to see me again? I left him when things we going perfect in our relationship. I was afraid of perfection.

I heard voices coming from the living room. Who would be up at three o’clock in the morning? It was dark in the room, so I could sneak past without anyone noticing me.

“Did you hear something Brian?” Nick asked.

“Yeah, it sounded like the front door opened.”

“Who would be coming in at this time of night?” Nick got up and walked to the foyer. His mouth dropped open, when he saw me.

“Hi Nick.” He turned and walked back into the living room. What was I supposed to do? I didn’t want him to see me walk back into the house like this.

I walked into the living room. It was decorated exactly the way I designed it three years ago when I left. I couldn’t believe that he hadn’t moved on. I felt worse than I did before.

“Hello Rachel. What brings you back?” Brian asked harshly. I knew that he was upset with me for leaving Nick.

“I’m back for good.”

Nick just sat on the couch starring at the floor. I knew he wouldn’t want anything to do with me. He was hurt, and it was my fault. My heart ached for him. I knew that I had done this to him. I knew that things couldn’t be fixed; it was over between the two of us.

“I think I’m going to be sick.” Nick ran out of the room.

“Great you’re back. Just what he needs.” Brian gave me a dirty look.

“Brian, what is your problem? I feel guilty enough without your attitude.”

“You should feel guilty. Nick hasn’t been the same since that day you left. I’ve been here to pick up the pieces. You destroyed a man. I hope you’re happy.”

I just stared at Brian. He was right; I shattered Nick’s heart and left his friends to pick up the pieces. What kind of person was I? How could I be so cruel to do that to someone I love? I deserved everything that came my way.

“Well aren’t you going to say something Rachel? You know I’m right. You can’t even begin to understand what your leaving did to him. I hope that you’re here to get the rest of your stuff and be gone for good.”

“Brian, I know that you hate me. I don’t blame you or anybody for hating me for what I did. Nobody hates me as much as I do. I know you won’t believe me, but I do love him. I never stopped.”

“How could you have done it if you truly loved him? If you love someone you don’t leave in the middle of the night. Why did you do it?” Brian yelled.

“I know you won’t believe anything I say, but it’s not something that I can explain to you. It’s none of your business. This is between Nick and me. I’m here to make things work again. I want what I had before I left.” I cried.

“It is my damn business. Who do you think has been here the past three years? You left to make it easier on you, what about Nick? Did you even think of him when you were gone? Why are you back all of a sudden?” He screamed at me as Nick walked back into the room.

“Both of you stop yelling. You’re giving me a headache. I’m tired, so I’m going to bed. Night Bri. Rachel you know where the guest room is.” Nick said without emotion. I could see the hurt in his eyes as he walked out of the room.

I woke up early and found that Nick was already gone, so much for talking to him. I got dressed and went to see my family. I hoped that they would be happier to see me than Brian and Nick were. I knew that it would be a shock for them to see me.

My mom was sitting by the pool when I got to my house. I was happy to see her again. I just wanted a hug and for her to make things better like she did when I was younger.

“Hello Rachel.” My mom did not look as happy as I thought she would. I knew she was hurt, but you think she would want to see her daughter.

“Hi mom.” I gave her hug. She embraced me with the love that I needed. It felt good to be home.

I knew she was angry with me, but she still loved me no matter what stupid choices I had made.

“Brian told me you were home. I’m surprised that you came back. Why now?”

“Mom, I had to come home. I couldn’t take being unhappy anymore. I want to make things better. I realized that I had everything I wanted in Florida.”

“Honey, I know that you do. I don’t know if you will be able to make things better. Three years is a long time to be gone. Do you really think things can go back to the way they were before?” She said with concern.

“I don’t know mom. I at least want to try. I realized that what I did was wrong. I can’t change what I did. I’m ready to get back what I lost. I am willing to do whatever needs to be done. I didn’t mean to hurt Nick. I love him so much, and I want to be with him.” I grieved. I knew this was going to be tough. Everyone I cared about was mad at me. I was mad at myself.

“I hate sounding so curt, but what makes you think that Nick will want the same thing. He’s not the same man you left three years ago. He’s suffered a broken heart caused by you. Do you think he’s really just going to walk back into the arms of the one who took his heart?”

I started to cry. I never thought about him not taking me back. I thought that we could talk things out and eventually get back to where we were three years ago.

“Oh there she is. She finally decided to grace us with her presence.” My brother Alex sat down at the table. He did not look thrilled to see me. Maybe coming home was a bad idea.

“Hi Alex. It’s good to see you.” I whispered. I was afraid to speak to my own brother.

“What are you doing back?” He asked rudely.

“I’m back for good. I want to make things work again.”

“How stupid can you be? You left three years ago without telling anybody. We haven’t heard from you until you decide to come back. Why do you deserve to have what you lost?”

I was shocked by my brother’s feelings towards me. If anyone would understand my leaving, I thought it would be him.

“Alex, I’m sorry that I left. I know that I hurt a lot of people, but I hurt myself, too. I didn’t want to leave. I felt like I didn’t have an option.”

“Whatever. Where are you staying?”

“I was hoping that I could stay here until I get a job and apartment.”

“I see, so you only came back because you have no money. When did you become a heartless bitch?” He shouted.

“It’s not like that Alex. How can you say that about your own sister?” My mom defended me.

“What sister? I haven’t had a sister in three years. My sister decided to disappear. I don’t have a sister.” He said sadly.

I was beginning to think I had made the wrong decision coming home. Maybe I would have been better staying away from everything I truly loved. I realized how much I hurt everyone who truly cared about me. It was going to take a long time to regain what I had lost.

“Alex, I never meant to hurt you or anyone else. I felt I had no choice. It was stupid. I was stupid. Every day I wanted to call you and come home, but I couldn’t”

“Rachel, you had a choice. You ran away. What’s going to stop you the next time?”

“I’m back for good. I know what I lost when I left.”

Finding a job wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be. I found a job at KBHNA Records. I would be working as Howie’s personal assistant. I was amazed that he would even hire me. It seemed like he was the only Backstreet Boy who would talk to me without shooting me daggers. Even my brother hated me.

Today was my first day on the job. None of the other guys knew that I was working for Howie. I think it would come as a shock to them when they came into the office this morning. Brian, Alex and Nick would be pissed. I wasn’t sure about Kevin because I hadn’t seen him yet.

I sat nervously at my desk waiting for Howie to give me my first assignment for the day.

“Good morning sweetheart. You look gorgeous.” Howie smiled at me and handed me a cup of tea.

“Hi Howie. How are you?”

“I’m well. You don’t look so happy. What’s wrong?”

“I’m just nervous about the other guys finding out that I’m working here. They aren’t going to be happy about it. I hope they don’t get mad at you.” I confessed.

“Don’t be nervous. They will be pissed at first, but they’ll get over it. I believe in giving people second chances. We both know that you handled the situation wrong, but Nick could have done something about it.”

‘What do you mean by that Howie? I’m the one who left.” I was confused. I always thought of Nick as the innocent one in the situation. Nick didn’t do anything wrong, I did.  I was interested in hearing what Howie was going to say.

“Why didn’t Nick try to find you when you left? If he loved you don’t you think that he would have come looking for you and bring you back. I would do that for the woman I loved.”

I was stunned. I never thought of that. I always blamed myself for things.  Was I the only one wrong in this situation? Why didn’t he come find me? Did Nick even love me?

“Howie, I think you need to stay out it. This is between Nick and Rachel. Stop trying to defend her. She knows she’s wrong. What is she doing here anyway?” Alex glared at me as he talked to Howie. How could my own brother hate me so much?

“AJ, what’s your problem? This is your sister. She made mistakes and is ready to live up to them. Rachel’s ready to start over and you and the rest of the guys are not making it any easier. Even Nick is acting more mature than you. At least he’s just keeping quiet about the situation, instead of bad mouthing Rachel. The reason she’s here is because I hired her as my personal assistant.”

“What the hell is your problem, D? Always trying to be Sweet D. What did you do give her a condo, too? I can’t believe you can fall for her charm. You know she’ll screw this up.” AJ fumed.

“AJ, she’s your sister. How can you talk about her like that? Just get out of my office.” Alex walked out before I could say anything to him. I started to cry. Howie hugged me, I felt like no one loved me.

“I’m sorry. If you want to fire me, go ahead.”

“Why would I fire you? You are the most qualified person for the job. Did you think I would only hire you because you’re my best friend’s sister? You are a smart, beautiful woman. Having you work for me is the best thing that could happen. Your life is going to get better.”

-------------

My day was fairly quiet. Howie was the only one to talk to me. The other guys ignored me, but Alex and Brian spent a great deal of time talking about me. Alex purposely made it so I heard their conversations about me.

I sat at my desk, typing Howie’s schedule for the next week.

“You’re still here?”

“Yes, I’m finishing your schedule for the week.” I hit the print button and got up.

“How was your day?”

“It was fine, minus Alex and Brian talking about me. I tried to ignore it, but it got hard. They were purposely doing so I could hear it. I get why they are mad, but it still makes me feel bad.”

“They are acting like jerks. They need to get over it. You are here for the right reasons. Make sure you talk to Nick and own up to your mistakes. He may not forgive you at first, but with time he will. Deep down he still loves you.”

“I hope so. I never stopped loving him, Howie. He’s, my everything. I don’t want to live without him.”

“Ashton everything will work out.” He took his schedule and started walking out of my office. “Now go home.”

I listened to my boss. I quickly grabbed my purse and headed out the door.

Howie gave me hope about my current situation. He understood when no one else wanted to be. Howie was a good friend. Hopefully my brother would come around and understand why I left. I prayed nightly that Nick would realize that I ran away for me and not because of him. Tomorrow would be a better day.

Alone and bored, that is what my life has come to. I spend all my time working or sitting in my apartment. I have become my own worst nightmare. My family and friends want nothing to do with me. They don’t even want to hear why I left. All they see is the hurt and pain that I have caused Nick. What about my pain? Nobody cares about how I feel. Am I destined to be alone and lonely the rest of my life?

The phone pulled me out of my thoughts. I rushed to the kitchen and grabbed the phone.

“Hello!”

“Hi Rachey.”

“Hi D. What’s up?” Howie has been the only to talk to me since I returned to Florida.

“Not much. Just sitting at home on a Friday night. John and I are going to the club. Do you feel like coming along?”

“Umm…I don’t know. I really don’t feel like going out.” I was afraid of seeing everyone, especially Nick. I didn’t want to start a fight in the middle of Tabu.

“Come on, Rachey. You need to get out. You’re always sitting at home and moping. It isn’t helping anything. Get out and have some fun.” He persuaded me.

“Fine, you win. I’m not going to enjoy myself, but I’ll go if it makes you happy.”

“Great! We’ll pick you up in an hour. Bye.” He hung up. I could hear him smile.

I had to get ready. What would I wear? I haven’t been to a club in ages. I remember the last time I was at Tabu. It was a night I would never forget.

Flashback

I walked into Tabu looking for my stupid boyfriend. I was ready to murder the boy. He had really done it this time. Why couldn’t he ever come straight home from rehearsal? No, he has to call me from the club and have me pick him up. Nick has no courtesy for me. Doesn’t he understand that I have to get up at six in the morning for work?

I spotted my boyfriend sitting at a table by himself. I expected him to be with the guys. He was starring at the table, deep in thought. I wondered what was up with him. Was he breaking up with me? I know that things were rocky between us but we have a strong relationship.

“Nick are you ready to go?”

“Sit down.” He whispered.

“Is everything okay?” I was really worried. Nick never acted this way.

“What time is it?”

“It’s twelve-fifteen. Nick what is wrong?” I asked concerned.

“Sweetheart it’s the anniversary of our first kiss. Remember that night.” He put my hand in his and smiled.

“Yes, that was one of the best nights of my life. I’ll never forget it. I can’t believe that we have come this far.”

“Rachel, I loved you since the first time I met you. I thought you were beautiful. I knew that you would be the only woman in my life. You are my soul mate.”

“Nick I love you more than words can ever say. You have been the sunshine in my life.” I reached over and kissed his smooth lips. I never loved any man as much as I loved him. He was my soul mate.

Nick pulled me onto the dance floor. A nice slow song came on. I relaxed in his arms and snuggled close to his chest. I felt like I was in heaven. I wanted to stay like this forever.

“Whisper the words, the ones that my heart wants to hear, so I that I know this real, tell me you feel it, make me believe it, you’ll always be there, whisper the words, the ones you say only to me, that touches my soul tenderly, a foundation to build on, a love that is so strong, baby whisper, oh whisper, oh whisper the words.”  He sang softly in my ear. I knew that he meant every word. I found my Prince Charming.

-------

The club was just starting to get crowded when we arrived. John and I went and sat down at a table, while Howie went to his office. It felt good to be out of the house. I was glad that I decided to not be a hermit for one night.

“It’s great to see you again, Rachel. You have grown into a beautiful woman.” John said sincerely.

“Oh the great Dorough brothers certainly know how to charm a woman. Thanks.” I teased. John and Howie always knew how to make someone feel better. It could be a smile, a hug, or a compliment.

“How are things with your family and the guys?”

“Nonexistent. My mom and I talk about once a week. She’s happy that I’m back but mad at me for leaving. Alex doesn’t talk to me, unless it’s to pick a fight or yell at me. Brian hates me, but I’m used to that. He never liked me. Kevin doesn’t say much, but I know that he’s upset with me.”

“What about Nick? How are things with him?” John asked concerned.

“What about me, John.” I saw Nick towering over our table. Just what I needed, why does he always appear at the wrong time.

“Chill out Nick. I was just making conversation. Do you need a drink Rachel?” I nodded my head as John left me alone with Nick.

Nick stared at me as he sat down. I felt a cool chill from his stare. What was he doing here? Why was he sitting down with me? I could see that he was uncomfortable being with me. When would this madness end?

“Aren’t you going to say something or are you going to stare at me all night?”

“What’s there to say? You broke my heart when you left and I’m still suffering from it today.” He looked as if he were about to cry. I felt guilty, again.

“Nick why do you think I came back? Do you think I came back to work? You’re the reason I came back.”

“Why now?” He whispered. How could I explain it to him? It wasn’t something I could just talk about at a nightclub. There were so many things I needed to explain to him.

“Where do I begin? I have so much to explain to you. I don’t think this is a good place to talk. I came back because I love you.”

“Love? You sure have a funny way of showing it.” He looked deep into my eyes. I could feel his breath on my face as he inched closer to me. Quickly, he put his lips against mine making up for what he had lost years ago. I could feel his love with that one kiss. It was sweet and tender yet laced with anger. As quickly as it began the kiss ended. Nick walked away from the table and out of the club.

“What’s wrong Rachey?” Howie asked concerned. Minutes or hours must have passed; I was in a trance. What had just happened? Why Did Nick kiss me?

“I don’t feel like talking about it. I’m just cursed when it comes to love. Why me?”

“What happened?”

“Nick was here and he was talking to me. Then he kissed me.” I sobbed.

“Sweetheart I’m sorry that he was here. I wouldn’t have brought you tonight if I knew he would be here.”

“Howie can you take me home, I’m not feeling well.” He nodded his head and took me back to my apartment.

After feeling sorry for myself, I decided that I needed to get out of my house. It was time to go shopping. Buying things had a way of clearing my head and making me feel better. So, here I was at the mall getting ready to spend my hard earned cash.

I walked into Old Navy, where I saw a cute pair of jeans. As I was browsing, my mind was on Nick. There was never an hour in the day when he wasn’t on my mind.

“Hello Rachel.”

“Hi Jane. How are you?” Great, just who I needed to see, Nick’s mom. She was the only person harder to talk to than Nick. Seeing that she never liked me dating here son, she was the only one that I knew that was happy I left Nick.

“I’m great. When did you come back?” She smiled her fake smile at me.

“A couple of months ago.”

“It’s been so long since you broke my son’s heart, that I forgot you even existed. Did you come back to make your move on another Backstreet Boy?”

I was ready to scream. Jane thought that she knew everything, when in fact she knew nothing about my relationship with her son. She knew just what to say to make me angry.

“Mom stop it! You have no right to say that. Hey Rache! It’s great to see you.”

“Hey Angel. It’s great to see you. You’ve turned into a beautiful young woman.” I hugged her. Not only was I close to Nick. His family meant the world to me, well most of his family. I could certainly do without Jane.” Jane, I’m not that type of girl. I don’t move from one man to another. My relationship has nothing to do with you.”

“Let’s go Angel.” Jane huffed off.

“Tell everyone I said hi.” I yelled to Angel as she followed her mother. She smiled and winked.

I continued to shop, buying new clothes and shoes. I was happier than I felt in days. I thought about my life and how much I had changed since the day I met Nick.

Flashback

“Hey sis. I’m having some friends over.”AJ announced as I walked into the room.

“Whatever Alex. I don’t want to hang out with your dumb friends. I have better things to do.” I stuck my tongue out at my annoying twin brother. Lately we hadn’t been getting along. He was in a singing group and thought he was cool.

“I didn’t mean it that way. All I was doing was telling you so that you would take off that skimpy bathing suit.”

I looked at my bikini. It wasn’t that skimpy. My mom would never let me wear something that showed my boobs hanging out. Alex was imagining things.

“Excuse me Alexander James McLean, no one especially you tell me how to dress. I don’t want to impress your ugly friends anyway.” I huffed and ran out of the room.

As I changed my clothes, I could hear voices in the living room. Most of them sounded older. There was one squeaky voice in the bunch. I assumed it was this Nick kid. He was the youngest member of the group. My brother’s friends were part of the Backstreet Boys. It was a singing group my brother was in.

I walked into the living room to see four decent looking guys sitting with my brother. I wasn’t impressed; none of them were my type. I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend, especially one of my brother’s friends.  They watched me as I sat down on the couch.

“Hi! Who are you?” The little blond kid questioned me.

“I’m the better half of the McLean twins. I am Rachel.” I smiled at the blond and glared at my brother.

“I didn’t know you had a twin. Why didn’t you tell us?” Some reddish brown hair guy looked confused.

I was wondering why my brother pretended like I didn’t exist. Usually we got along, but lately it’s like I’m not his sister. It hurt because we were close. I waited for his explanation, but nothing came out. I ran out of the apartment. How could he be so rude in front of his friends?

“Rachel please don’t cry.” The blond said quietly.

“Leave me alone.” I didn’t want to be bothered.

“I can’t do that. It hurts me to see you cry.” He sat down next to me.

“You don’t even know me. I’m just Alex’s twin sister. It’s no big deal.” I screamed.

“It is a big deal when it makes you cry. I don’t like seeing you cry.”

“Why do you care? All you know about me is that I’m Alex’s twin sister.” I stared into his bright blue eyes. There was something magical about them. It was like looking in the ocean.

“I just do. I don’t like seeing you cry because AJ’s acting like a jerk. You are the better half of the McLean twins.” I smiled at him. He knew how to make me feel better; making fun of Alex.

“I’m Nick. It’s nice to meet you.”

“It’s nice to meet you. At least you’re not a jerk like Alex.” I sighed.

Things were so different between Nick and I. Would we ever talk to each other? I hated knowing that we weren’t together. I was going to get him back. I loved him to much. He was my everything.

I was sitting on my couch spending another evening watching mindless television. I was alone and lonely. There was nothing unusual about that. I had been spending the last three years that way. I had no friends to hang out with. My mom was on tour. I had no life. I turned on the television and decided to check my email. My instant messenger popped up as soon I connected to the internet. It was Howie. I wondered what he wanted. It was probably about the record label.

                        Latin Lover D: Hey Rachey!

                        Cinderella bsb: Hi Sweet D!!

                        Latin Lover D: What’s up?

                        Cinderella bsb: Not much. U?

                        Latin Lover D: I talked to Nick today.

                        Cinderella bsb: Did he have anything interesting to say?

                        Latin Lover D: Maybe. J

                        Cinderella bsb: What’s with the smile?

                        Latin Lover D: I’m just happy to talk to you.          

Cinderella bsb: Cmon D. Tell me or I’m going to go watch tv. I hate suspense.

Latin Lover D: Gee whiz. You’re moody tonight. I thought you would want to talk to me. I’m hurt. L

Cinderella bsb: You know I love you D, but Nick must have said something important since you mentioned it. If you weren’t traveling the world, I’d smack you.

Latin Lover D: Ok. I’m sorry that I’m acting like AJ. I will be Sweet D from now on. Do you really want to know what Nick said?

Cinderella bsb: Please tell me.

Latin Lover D: Well I kind of overheard him when he was talking to Aaron.

Cinderella bsb: Shame on you Howard!! Just Kidding. I taught you well.

Latin Lover D: Ha ha! Let me continue. He didn’t hear me come in but he was talking about you.

Cinderella bsb: Stop holding out on me Dorough. Just tell me what he said. I am dying in anticipation.

Latin Lover D: He told Aaron that his mom didn’t know crap. Then he said, “I still love her. I haven’t stopped since the day she left, and I won’t stop until the day I die. Even then I will still love her.”

Cinderella bsb: D, what am I supposed to do? He knows that I still love him, but he hasn’t tried to talk to me.

Latin Lover D: He’s afraid that you’ll break his heart again. He doesn’t want that to happen again. Nick would rather suffer with loving you from a distance than to risk actually loving you.  I gotta go. Bye.

I couldn’t believe Howie would sign off in the middle of our conversation. I wanted to know more. My thoughts were at odds with each other. I was delighted to know that Nick still loved me as much as I loved him. At the same time it sadden me to know that he was afraid that I would hurt him again. What could I do to get him to trust me? We both wanted the same thing, but couldn’t figure out how to get it back to where we wanted it.

In the three months that I had been in Orlando, nothing had change. I was tired of playing this game. Moving on was the only choice. No longer could I sit and ignore Nick. I had to make a move, I felt childish about the whole situation. Here I was twenty-seven and playing games with the man that I loved. I knew I had to do something, the only question was what.

By two in the morning I still had no clue as to what I could do to end this game. I couldn’t leave, and I wasn’t sure if I should stay. Which was the easier choice to choose? Neither would be easy; having their own set of complications. Deep down I knew that my only choice was to gain back  Nick’s love and trust. He was my one and only true love. Without him I was nothing.

I decided it was time to go to bed. My whole evening was consumed by thoughts of Nick. I hated that Howie had planted the seeds of hope in my head. At least I knew Howie was telling the truth. He would never do anything to hurt me. He was a good friend.

I tossed and turned. I looked at the alarm clock, it read four in the morning. I threw my covers off and went into the living room. I signed on the internet and decided to check my email. Nothing but junk. I decided to send Howie an email.

Howie,

It’s 4 am, and I am sitting here writing you an email. Why do you ask? Thanks to our lovely chat this evening, I couldn’t sleep. I love that you care about me so much, when no one else does. You are a good friend. That being said I am taking the day off from work. If you need something call my cell phone. Thanks for being such a good boss and friend.

Love,

Rachel

I hit send and decided to watch a movie. I put in Dirty Dancing and sat on the couch. Within fifteen minutes I had fallen into a deep slumber.

I was sitting at my desk trying to get some work done. The office was lonely without the guys, even if they hardly spoke to me. I wish that I was on tour with them, it would be like old times.

I got up to get a file, when I heard a ding from my computer. I sat back down and saw Kevin was instant messenging me. I wonder what he wanted. Kevin didn’t really get involved in the battle the other guys had created against me. He kind of stayed to himself. I was curious what he was  messaging me about.

          Instant Messanger

                        Body Beautiful: Hello Rachel

                        Cinderella bsb: Umm…..hi Kevin.

                   Body Beautiful: You sound shocked to hear from me.

                        Cinderella bsb: To say the least. What do I owe  this honor?

                        Body Beautiful: I just want to apologize. I’m sorry.

                   Cinderella bsb: Kev you don’t owe me an apology. I understand.

                        Body Beautiful: Hear me out, darling.

                        Cinderella bsb: Ok. :)

                        Body Beautiful: I was wrong not to talk to you. What happened

is between Nick and you. You two have to work it out. I understand why you came back and I wish you the best of luck.

Cinderella bsb: Thanks Kev. Why now?

Body Beautiful: I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. Nick loves you, he never stopped. I think both of you have suffered enough. It’s time to work things out. Don’t spend the rest of your life being miserable because of one mistake.

Cinderella bsb: That’s easier said than done. I’m glad to have your support but it doesn’t change things between me and Nick. I came back to try to work things out, but its not working out. I wish I had the solution to make things better, but I don’t.

Body Beautiful: The solution will come and I will be singing at your wedding. Anyway, I have another reason for iming you.

Cinderella bsb: Ok. What do you want?

Body Beautiful: Can you come on tour? One of our dancers broke her leg and we need you to replace her.

Cinderella bsb: Why me? I haven’t danced in years. I’m not 18 and can learn dances in 3 days.

Body Beautiful: Don’t lie to me!! I know that you were a dancer on a cruise ship before you came back to Florida. I know for a fact that you were the dance captain and assistant choreographer. So I arranged for a limo to pick you up in 4 hours. I’ll see you tomorrow morning. Love ya. Bye.

That dirty rotten scoundrel. How dare he be nice to me and play a cruel trick on me. I had two choices to make; runaway again or pack my things and go on tour with the boys. My choice was simple; go on tour.

I didn’t care what the other guys would think about me being on tour. At this point it really didn’t matter. I was there to do a job and without me the tour wouldn’t go as planned. At least Howie and Kevin were talking to me. With their friendship I could face anything. Sure I have doubts about working with Nick everyday, but I was going to be mature and friendly with him. At least we could become friends.

-------------------------------

“What are we going to do about finding a new dancer?” Nick said in concern.

“I talked to Fatima this morning. She said she found a new dancer. She’ll be here today to learn the dances.” Kevin informed everyone including Nick.

“How is this dancer going to learn all of our dances by Monday? She must be an incredible dancer.”

“Oh she is!!!” Fatima exclaimed as she walked into the room.

“When will she get here?” Howie asked smiling. He couldn’t wait to see the look on the other guys faces, especially Nick’s.

“She’s waiting outside. She’s a little nervous. Please be nice to her.” Fatima walked to the door and opened it.

I was nervous to see the reaction of Brian, Alex, and especially Nick. I slowly walked through the door.

“Hi guys.” I whispered. Kevin and Howie smiled at me. I felt my confidence grow stronger. I knew that everything was going to be okay.

“You can’t be serious! This is absurd.” Shouted Brian.

“Calm down. She is the best dancer. Rachel can learn those dances by Monday. Can’t you act like a mature adult instead of a little boy holding a grudge.” Kevin defended me.

“How do you think Nick feels having her here?” AJ asked in concern for Nick. I knew he was just pissed because I was there.

“AJ calm down. It’s not a big deal. I don’t have a problem working with her. At least she cares about the tour and making it look good. Not many people would come on tour with a brother and friends who aren’t talking to her. Grow up AJ and you to Brian. Just deal with it, I can.” Nick got up and left the room.

I was stunned to say the least. Of all people to defend me I didn’t think it would be Nick. I assumed he would just keep quiet like he usually did. Maybe things were starting to work out.

Alex and Brian left the room. I sat down with Kevin and Howie. We all just stared at each other. The silence was bothering me. I couldn’t keep quiet any longer.

“Kevin how dare you force me to come on tour! I know you two had this planned.”

“We’re sorry Ray. It just kind of happened.  Tammi broke her leg and what were we to do. You’re the best dancer we know.” Howie said sweetly.

“Howie that is sweet of you, but flattery will get you nowhere.”

“Rachel go get change, we start rehearsal in ten minutes in the ballroom. Kevin and Howie be down there in two hours.” Fatima walked out of the room.

“Why don’t you two have to be there til later?” I questioned they guys. I realized that something was up. They weren’t telling me everything. I could see the look of guilt on their faces.

“Umm….Fatima is probably going to teach you the dances before you do them with us.”

“Umm….sure Howie. I believe you.” I said with fake sincerity. I left him and Kevin sitting at the table.

“Nice save Howie.” Kevin smiled.

“They will be together by the end of this tour. They both need a little push to bring them together.”

When I walked into the ballroom, I saw Nick talking to Fatima. Now I realized why Kevin and Howie were so adament about me being a backup dancer. I had a feeling I was being setup. They were going to have to deal with me later.

“Hello Rachel. Let me fill you in on what’s going on. On this tour each guy has the same dancer for almost every song. Since you are the tallest you have to dance with Nick. Is that ok with

you?”

“It’s fine.” What could I say? I was here to do a job.

“I know that this is uncomfortable for both of you, I can change people around if I have to, but Rachel you’re the only one who’s really tall enough to dance with Nick.”

“I understand Fatima. It’s not a problem for me, if it’s not a problem for Nick. I’m just here to make the show look good for the guys.”

Nick was starring at me. I was very uncomfortable with the situation especially since I knew I was being set up. Deep down I knew Nick felt the same way. I didn’t think it was fair for Howie and Kevin to play with our emotions.

“It’s fine with me.” He shrugged.

“Good. Let’s get to work. The first song is Miss America.”

Wait one stinking minute. That wasn’t even a Backstreet Boys song.  I couldn’t believe what was happening.  This was not the song I wanted to be dancing to Nick with. Howie and Kevin were going to die.

“Ummm…..since when was that a BSB song?” I questioned.

“Well the guys liked it, so for the tour we sing it and it has a dance part in the middle of it.”

Finally we got down to business. Learning all these dances would be strenous on me. Fatima showed me the first combination, which seemed pretty easy.  I didn’t have to be near Nick that much, it was a relief.  I was going to be professional.I concentrated on what I was doing, Nick was just another dance partner.

“Good job Rache. You’re picking it up really well. The next part is harder. Here’s what I want you to do. Rachel kick your leg up to his shoulder. Leave it there, then you will bend back while Nick is holding your waist.”

“Ok, Fatima. Let’s try it.” Nick and I went through the first combination into the kick sequence. It was the first time we would be that close to each other. I tried to concentrate on the dance, but my thoughts were on Nick. I was nervous having him touch me.

The movement didn’t go as planned. I ended up kicking Nick in the chest. I felt embarrassed. I never had any problems when it came to simple dance steps. Then again I wasn’t dancing with Nick.

“Nick pay attention!” I remarked rudely.

“ I was paying attention. Look where you’re kicking.” He glared at me. This was going to be a long rehersal.

“Let’s try it again..five, six, seven, eight.”

I decided to focus on the steps and nothing but the steps. I would show Nick that his touch didn’t bother me. I completed the first combination with ease.  The kick started off good, or so I thought until Nick screamed watch out! I realized I was kicking by his face.

“ Watch where you’re kicking! Do you have a problem with my body Rachel?” My eyes grew wide at that comment, and my face turned red. I never had a problem with Nick’s hot body. That boy knew just what to say to get to me. I couldn’t believe the nerve of that boy.

“Fatima I need a break.” I walked out of the room and ran to the nearest bathroom.

I poured some cold water on my face. My worst nightmare was coming true. I was regretting coming on this tour. I knew things would not be easy, but this was ridiculus. It was never going to work out; me dancing with Nick for the next two months. I couldn’t even learn the dances without him getting to me. How could I put a smile on my face every night in front of a crowd?

The door opened quietly and Nick walked in. What did he think he was doing, this was the woman’s bathroom. I ignored him as he sat on the sink beside me. I had nothing to say to him. He just gazed at me with a confused look.

“What Nick? What do you want?” I screamed at him.

“I just wanted to see if you were okay. You looked a little hot before you left.”

“I’m fine. Thanks for your concern. I don’t need you checking up on me. I’m a big girl. I’m here to dance and nothing more, you understand.” I yelled, as I paced.

“I understand. Just remember that I’m here to perform for my fans. I don’t have time to be your friend. Let’s just keep a professional relationship. I don’t want you to get your feelings hurt by how we act on stage. Remember that just because I’m friendly with you on stage, doesn’t mean I like you afterwards.”

“Whatever Nick. You may think you are the hottest thing out there, but I know the true you. The guy who would never say such cruel things, to the woman he cared about. I know you hate me. I deserve your hate. I trying to make your show look good, so don’t be acting like you’re the shit and I’m here just for you. There are four other guys I care about in this show.”

“That may be true, but only two of them care that you’re here. I really just want you to leave me alone. I’ll be nice to you on stage. Can’t have the fans thinking I’m an asshole. Off stage, stay out of my life.”

He walked out leaving me more frustrated then ever. I screamed in frustration. Quickly I threw my paper towel away and went back to rehearsals.

The weeked passed quickly, I spent all my time dancing. Nick was constantly finding ways to annoy me. Was he trying to get me to leave?  I knew better than to let him get to me. I was use to his tricks.  I was professional and danced to my fullest ability everyday. I knew my perfection annoyed Nick.

Tomorrow was the first show I would perform in. My nerves were getting the best of me. It was hard knowing that Nick would be nice to me on stage and then ignore me afterwards. Instead of bringing us closer, this situation seemed to make the distance wider.

“You look gorgeous!” Kevin smiled at me. I was wearing my plum knee length dress. It was one of Nick’s favorite dresses. Everyone on tour was going out to dinner, to celebrate the start of the second leg.

“Thanks Kevin.” I kissed him on the cheek. We walked into the hotel’s banquet room. Kevin went to look for his wife while I stood there looking for a place to sit. I didn’t know where I belonged.

“Hey beautiful. You’re sitting with us.”

“Howie, I can’t. It will be uncomfortable with me there.”

“You don’t have a choice. You’re my date for the evening. Nice dress, isn’t that Nick’s favorite?” Howie smiled and we walked to our table.

Each table was decorated with silver and black confetti. The dishes were black and had silver swirls decorating it. The guys had gone all out for this celebration. I was excited to meet Kevin and Brian’s wife. I hope it was going to be a pleasant evening.

“Hello, I’m Brenna, Brian’s wife.” A beautiful woman sat next to me.

“Hi. I’m Rachel McLean. I’m Alex’s sister and a dancer on this tour. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”  I smiled at her.

She looked at me with curiosity. Surely she hadn’t heard very nice things about me. Brian wasn’t one to talk about me in a friendly manner.

“Excuse me for being so impolite. It’s just that I’m surprized that you’re on tour, especially as a dancer. With all that’s happened, I wouldn’t expect you to show your face to the guys.”

What nerve this woman had. I can’t believe she would say that to my face. She didn’t even know me.

“I’m sorry that you feel that way. It’s rude to judge someone you don’t even know. Just because your husband doesn’t like me, does not mean you have to right to believe everything he says. What happened between me and Nick is our business. Stop being the doting wife and start thinking for yourself.” I walked away. I did not need to be criticized by someone who didn’t even know me.

“Brenna you have no right talking to her like that.” Nick frowned, “ Rachel doesn’t deserved to be talked to like that by you or anyone else. Yes, she broke my heart, but you know nothing about that. Whatever Brian told you is a lie. I don’t ever want to hear you say anything rude to her again.”

“Come off it Nick. She broke your heart years ago and you still defend her. I still think you have feelings for the little wench. It’s sad to see a young man still pining away for the woman who ripped out his heart. Move on, you’re pathetic.” Brenna stomped off looking for her husband.

Nick did not feel like being at this dinner. If he could get out of it he would. He was furious at Brenna. She had no right to tell him how to live his life. So what if he still had feelings for Rachel. She was the only woman he had ever loved. Nothing would change that. Yes, he might be angry with her, but he would never stop caring about Rachel.

--------------------------------------

Quietly I knocked on the door, hoping he wouldn’t answer. Time seemed to stand still as I waited. What was I doing? Did I really think he would help me practice at one in the morning? I almost decided to go back to my room, but the door quickly opened.

“Ummm….hello Ray.” I was shocked he called me that. Since I came back he only called me Rachel.

“I was wondering if we could practice a couple of the dances. I’m a little nervous.”

“You always get nervous the night before big performances. I remember all your dance recitals. You’d have me watch you practice the night before.” He smiled.

“Yeah, some things haven’t changed. I feel better if I have the routines perfect. I don’t want to mess up for you or the other guys.” I felt shy all of a sudden. Nick bringing up old memories was hard for me. It took my back to the place I wanted to be.

“I’ll go practice with you. Let me put some clothes on.” I just noticed that he was in his boxers. I smiled at him and watched him close the door.

I stood in the hall waiting for him. I felt like a big dork, just standing in the hall. It was like I was sneaking around to see him. Years ago, I would sneak out of my hotel room to see him.

“Hey girly. Why are you standing in the hall?” Kevin walked down the hall with his wife.

“I’m waiting for Nick. He’s going to practice the dances with me.”

“That is so sweet. Where were you at tonight? We missed you at dinner.”

“Umm.. I wasn’t feeling well, you know my nerves were getting to me. So I went back to my room.” I lied to Kevin. I wasn’t in the mood to talk to him.

“Since my husband won’t introduce me, I’m Helene. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“Thanks Helene. I’ve heard wonderful things about you. You have a great husband.”  She smiled at me and hugged Kevin. You could see how much they loved each other.

Nick walked out of his room. He was fully clothed in grey jogging pants and a Old Navy shirt I bought him. He said hi to Kevin and Helene. “Let’s go.”

“Have fun and behave!” Kevin whispered in my ear before I left with Nick.

We practiced and practiced until I wasn’t nervous anymore. I felt calm and relaxed about tomorrow’s show. I was starting to look forward to dancing on stage again. I even felt somewhat comfortable with Nick.

“Thanks for practicing with me. I appreciate it.”

“It’s not a problem. I’m glad you feel comfortable with the dances. You’ll be great tomorrow.” He threw me a bottle of water and sat down beside me.

“I’m glad to be on tour. It’s like old times.” I didn’t look at Nick when I talked. One look of his baby blue eyes, I would realize the hurt I caused.

“Yeah. Those were the best days. I had a lot of fun getting in trouble. Sometimes I wish I was back in the past.” Nick’s voice quivered, “Those were the best years of my life.”

“Nick, I’m sorry.”

“I know you are. You wouldn’t be here right now if you weren’t sorry. I’m just not ready to forgive you yet. The forgiving part is hard for me.”

Nick inched closer to me, and lifted up my chin. Slowly he looked into my eyes, I could feel his stare through my body. Then he placed his lips on mine. A surge of electricity ran through my veins. This kiss was different from the one in the club. The anger was gone and instead desire appeared. I enjoyed the kiss though it quickly ended . As Nick walked out of the room, I knew he still loved me. He sealed it with a kiss.

The dressing room was filled with laughter and craziness as the dancers were getting ready for the show. I put the finishing touches on my makeup. This would be my first performance with the boys. The noisy room was making it hard for me to concentrate, so I went into the hall to warm up.

“Hi Ray!” Nick walked past me and into his dressing room. I smiled and waved. It was nice having him talk to me. I continued strecthing.

“Whatcha doin’?”  I looked up and saw Howie and Kevin watching me.

“I’m getting ready to dance with a bunch of hot guys.”

“I have a question for you?” Kevin said seriously.

“What Kev?”

“What’s going on between you and Nick?”

“What do you mean?” I was confused. Things between us had not changed. Sure, he was civil and said hello to me, but nothing else had changed.

“I don’t know, but it seems like you two are talking to each other.”

“Howie, he is just being polite.”

“Did you tell Howie what happened last night? I understand you didn’t come back upstairs until after three.” I glared at Kevin. He was such a father, waiting up to see when I get back.

“Shut up Kevin. Nothing happened. Nick and I practiced some of the dances. You know how my nerves get. I don’t see what the big deal is.”

“That’s not what I heard.” Howie and Kevin smiled at each other.

“What did you hear? I’m tired of you two playing this game.”

“AJ saw you and Nick kissing in the ballroom. He said it was pretty intense.”

“Just leave me alone. I’m sick of you guys spying on every move I make.” I walked away from them. Why did everyone have to be so concerned with me and Nick. Could they learn to mind their own business?

The show started with a bang. It was amazing to see all the fans, dancing and singing with the boys. Two hours seemed like five minutes when performing. The thrill of being on stage again made it all worthwhile. Dancing with Nick made it all better. Nick and I had never danced better.

After the show, I took a quick shower. Then it was time to hop on the bus and leave for the next city. I didn’t feel like riding with Howie. He made me mad earlier this evening. I couldn’t ride with Brian or Alex because they hate me. My only choice was Nick. Hopefully he wouldn’t mind me riding with him.

“Nick can I ride on your bus?”

“I guess. Why? Don’t you usually ride with Howie?

“Yeah, but he’s getting on my nerves. If it’s a problem I can ride with the dancers?” I quietly mumbled the last part. I didn’t want to ride with nine other people. I needed peace and quiet, so I could think about things.

“No problem. Are you ready to go?” I nodded my head.

Nick and I got settled on the bus. I chose my bunk and threw my stuff inside.

“Hi Rachel. How are you?”

“Hello Bob. I’m doing ok. It’s great to see you again.” I hugged him. I always like Nick’s dad. He was strict but a teddy bear just like Nick.

“I’m glad you came back. Things will work out. Just give it time. Nick’s glad you’re back. He loves you and it will work out between you and him.”

“Thanks Bob. I’m glad to have your support.” He started up the bus and pulled out of the parking lot. I went to my bunk to get some sleep.

----------------------------------

My watch showed three in the morning. I couldn’t sleep; my thoughts were on Nick who was in the bunk across from mine. I decided to go sit in the living room and listen to some music. I put in one of the cds Nick had burned me a few years back.

You and me, we have the right combination

We’re all we need

Its just you and me

We make the right combination

Straight from the heart

Love is the key

And whenever you call I’m there

Every stumble and fall I share

I”ll be yours through it all

I care, about you baby

Its so easy to see, so strong

Now I know you and me belong

I’ll be by your side forever

You and me, we have the right combination

We’re all we need

Its just you and me

We make the right combination

Straight from the heart

Love is the key

(“The Right Combination” –Seiko & Donnie Wahlberg)

The memories flooded my brain. I listened to this cd every day. It was the only way I could be with Nick for the last three years. By listening to this cd, I knew that he loved me more than life itself.

“Having trouble sleeping?” Nick yawned as he talked. He looked cute with his bed head and flannel pants.

“Did I wake you?” He nodded his head and sat down on the couch. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize I the music was that loud.”

“It wasn’t any louder than what AJ would play it when we would sleep. It was the song that woke me up. I haven’t listened to that cd in a long time.”

“I listen to it everyday. There isn’t a day that goes by, that I haven’t listened to it.” I felt I had to tell him. I needed to open up to him and be honest. It was time that we moved on. We couldn’t live like this for the rest of our lives.

“I’m touched Rachey. It doesn’t make me feel any better. Things could have been better than a cd, if you just would have stayed.”

“I know Nick. I don’t know how many times I can apologize for leaving. I’m sooo sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you. Don’t you care that I left even though I didn’t want to? Do you think it was easy for me to leave you that night. I regret ever having done that. What about my feelings?”

“What about your feelings? For all I knew you could have left me for another man. I had no clue where you went or why you left. I thought I had done something wrong. I felt like it was my fault that you left. Do you think I could live with the fact that something I did made you leave?”

He stared at me with his deep blue eyes. I deserved to be blame for this. It was my fault that things were like this. I just wanted Nick to love me again.

“Do you even care why I left? I mean I’ve been back for almost six months and you haven’t even asked me why I left. Brian has asked and so has everyone else, except you. I don’t want to tell anyone but you. I don’t think you care about me or what happen. You would rather sit around and mope about it. Move on, Nick. What happened is over. Let’s start living in the present.”

“I want to know, why you left me. I’m afraid of what you will say. Don’t you think I feel like all of this is my fault. I don’t want to hear that you left because of me. I have loved you all my life, and if I don’t know the answer I don’t have to blame myself for you leaving.” He cried.

“Nick it was never you. It was me. I just want to explain to why I left. Will you let me tell you?” He looked at me and nodded his head. The tears silently fell down his face. My thumb quickly wiped them off his face.

I didn’t know how to begin. This was the first time I would be talking about why I left. I was talking from my heart and soul. I guess I would just start at the beginning.

“Remember about two months before I left, we spent the day on your boat.” He nodded. “That was the best night of my life. It was also the scariest. That’s when I started feeling like I had to leave.”

FLASHBACK

We sat on the deck of the boat looking at the stars. Nick held me close and sang to me. The words touched me. It was a song he had written just for me.

Words could never show

how much I love you

You’ve touched my heart and soul

No one can compare

To the love you bring me

You’re my one and only

Heart to heart, Soul to soul

Our love will never end

Forever we will always be

Heart to heart, you to me

I’m not afraid when you’re around

You  make the whole world disappear when you’re near

I’ll never get tired of loving you

Heart to heart, Soul to soul

Our love will never end

Forever we will always be

Heart to heart, you to me

“Nick that is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard.” Tears glistened down my face. Nick was the only man for me. He was my heart, my soul, my everything. I could not ask for a better man than him. I loved him with all my heart and soul.

“I mean it with all my heart Ray. You are everything I have wanted in life and more. I can’t begin to tell you what you have done to my life.” He leaned in and kissed me. This kiss was special, a kiss that meant we would be together foerver. My head was spinning, I had never been kissed like this before.

“I love you Nick.” I whispered in his ear.

“Ray I want to marry you. I know that we’re still young but you’re the only one I can see living my life with me. I hope you feel the same way. I see us together with a family.” Reality had set in. I was shocked that he was talking about marriage. Yes, I wanted to marry him, but I didn’t feel I was ready to commit myself on that level.

“I want to marry you in the future. I love you with all my heart and soul, but we have plenty of time before we settle down.” 

This conversation was making me nervous. I had to change the subject.

“Nick can you sing to me?”

END OF FLASHBACK

“What made you scared?” He looked deep into my soul wanting to hear the answer he had be waiting for the last three years.

“Don’t get mad at me when I say this. When you started talking about marriage, I got scared. I knew I wasn’t ready.”

“I wasn’t pressuring you. I would never do that. I just wanted you to know what I was feeling for you. Did you not love me enough to want to marry me? We were going out for almost four years. Couldn’t you see a future with me?” Nick looked more hurt than ever. He thought I didn’t love him, when I loved him more than anything in the world.

“Yes, I saw a future with you, but that wasn’t the problem. I was afraid that I wasn’t good enough to be your wife. I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would find a man who loved me as much as you.  When we first started dating, I didn’t think we would last more than four months. As time went on I felt like a princess. You treated me like a goddess.”

“So the whole time we dated you didn’t see us together forever?”

“No, Nick it was never like that. Other guys I had dated treated my okay, but they never respected me as a person with feelings. You were the first guy to do that. You showed me what love was all about. I never felt like I deserved a man like you. Then when you started talking marriage, I knew that I wasn’t good enough to be your wife.” I confessed.

“How can you say that? You were the only person I wanted to marry. There was no one else for me. That’s why I couldn’t move on and date someone else after you left. If I couldn’t have you, I didn’t want anyone. I’d rather end up lonely and bitter, than pretend to love someone else.”

His last comments startled me. I couldn’t believe he would rather be lonely the rest of his life, than find another woman to love.

“Things seemed to get worse for me, after our talk. Alex started in on me about when we were getting married. He would hound me every day about it. I finally asked him why he was so concerned. He told me that you had bought the ring months before our talk. That freaked me out. Everyday I would wonder when you were going to ask me. I didn’t want to tell you no, but I knew I had no choice.”

“Just because I had bought the ring, didn’t mean I was going to propose to you right away. I had bought the ring back in 2000. That was two years before I even mentioned marriage to you.”

I didn’t know what to say. New things about our relationship kept popping up. I was learning so much about things I never knew existed. I couldn’t believe he knew that he wanted to marry me that long ago. This situation was getting harder than it was before. It was not black or white, but an interesting shade of gray.

“Nick why did you wait so long to talk to me about marriage, when you had the ring all that time.”

“Ray, I knew you weren’t ready in 2000. I wanted to wait till you knew that you wanted to spend your life with me. I wanted to marry you the first time I met you. You had me from the first time you smiled at me. I can’t explain it, but I knew I was going to marry you the first time I met you.” He looked at the floor. My heart broke for him. How could he have known that at age thirteen?

“I felt I had to leave Nick, because I overheard Brian and Howie talking about how you were going to propose on our next date. I knew I wasn’t ready to get married, and I didn’t want to break your heart by telling you no. My only choice was to leave. That way you would hate me and move on. I loved you to much to hurt you.” The tears rolled down my face. Nick was crying too.

“Why didn’t you just tell me the truth from the beginning? If I would have known that you were afraid of getting married, none of this would have happened. We didn’t have to get married. Why weren’t you honest?” He screamed,

“I don’t know. I guess I didn’t want to hurt you. I thought it would be easier to just leave.”

“But you hurt me more by leaving. I thought you wanted to marry me, that’s why I was going to ask you to get married on that date. You left me instead of being honest. That hurt worse than if you would have said no.”

“I guess I was stupid. I should have been honest. This is all my fault.” I sobbed.

“Ray, you made a huge mistake. I’ve changed a lot. My heart is guarded. I don’t trust you. You aren’t the same woman I fell in love with.”

“How can I make things better?” I looked into his eyes. They were saying so much.

“I don’t know. I need time to think about all of this. Give me some time.” Quietly he walked out of the room.

I would give him all the time he needed. My life wouldn’t be complete without him. I was somewhat optimistic about our relationship since he at least talked to me. I had a feeling we would both be able to move on and come to terms with what I had done. At least, I hoped we could grow from this mistake I made.

Finally after a week of concerts, we had a day off.  I was relaxing by the pool.

Things had not changed between Nick and me. We barely said two words to each other. I did feel better knowing that Nick knew the truth. The weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I prayed the eventually Nick and I could at least be friends. I realized that my dream of us getting back together wouldn’t be happening.

“Hey Rachel! What’s up?” I looked up from my book and saw Howie sitting in the lounge chair beside me.

“Hi Howie.” I said quietly. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone the past few days. I wanted to wallow in my pity.

“You sound sad. Is anything bothering you?” He asked in concern.  I knew that Howie cared but I didn’t feel like talking to him.

“Yes Howie, but I don’t feel like talking about it. There’s nothing you can do to help me this time. It needs to work itself out.” He nodded and let me read my book. Howie was a good friend, he knew when to mind his own business.

------------------------------

I stepped out of the shower and put on a clean robe, as someone knocked on my door. Quickly I looked out the peephole, I was surprized by who I saw. I opened the door to let Nick in.

“Did you just get out of the shower? I can come back later.” He said quickly, looking embarrassed.

“Stay. Just let me change.” Grabbing my pajamas I went into the bathroom. I changed quickly and went back into my room.

“Cute jammies!” He smiled at me. I had to laugh. He thought my frog jammies were cute.

“Thanks.” I mumbled. Why was he here? Was he going to tell me that he never wanted to talk to me again?

“I think we need to talk. I apologize for the past few days. Our last conversation was hard for me to digest.” I nodded my head. I was nervous about what he was going to say.

“Rachel, I have loved you for the past twelve years. The day I met you was like a fantasy to me. I fell in love with you the second I saw you. Why do you think I comforted you when you fought with AJ? At the time I didn’t realize why I was doing it. The other guys teased me about it. I didn’t care because I only cared about you.”

“Nick, I still love you.” I needed him to know that I still cared about him as much as I did before all of this happened. I didn’t want him out of my life. I was worried about what he was going to say to me.

“Ray, let me finish. It took me a long time to ask you out. I had to be certain you felt the same way. For five years I was in love with you but was afraid to say anything. Kevin had to literally tell me that you liked me and made me ask you out. That was the best day of my life. You said yes and after that my world was different. You showed me what life was all about.” Nick sat down beside me. He took my hand and placed it in his.

“Why didn’t you tell me this before? I thought we told each other everything.”

“I thought you knew. I mean we fell in love so quickly. After four years with you I wanted to get married. I loved you more than anyone else. I knew I couldn’t live without you. Waiting to marry you was one of the hardest things in my life, but I knew I would wait until you were ready.”

“What if I was never ready?”

“Then I would have understood. We could be together without getting married. I just wanted to be with the woman I loved. When you left I didn’t know what to do. The guys said to go look for you, but I couldn’t. I wanted to, but I knew you had left for a reason and that me finding you wouldn’t help. It pained me to see that I hurt you enough to make you leave.”

“Nick, I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I love you now as much as I loved you then. I couldn’t stand to break your heart, but I realize I broke it anyway.” I stood up, being that close to him was making me flushed. I didn’t have any answers to make this situation right. It was now up to Nick, he held the cards.

“I always knew you would come back. Our love was too strong for you to be gone forever. After a year, I came to understand that it wasn’t my fault and that you had to work things out on your own. I knew where you were, but I knew that if I came to get you, nothing would change. You’re stubborn and I can’t change that. Waiting for you to come back was the only thing I could do. The guys didn’t understand how I could keep waiting for you. No one thought you would come back, except me.”

“So, what happens now?” I was afraid to hear what he was going to say. I sat on the bed, waiting for him to speak. He sat there quietly for about ten minutes. This only gave me time to worry about what he was going to tell me.

“Ray, I have never stopped loving you. You are my life, my world. I can’t live my life knowing that you aren’t in it. Yes, I’m mad at you because of what you did, but I don’t want you out of my life. Since you came back I’ve been happier.”

“Nick, I was afraid. I know what I did was wrong and I undestand that you are angry with me. I love you with all my heart. I want things back the way they were three years ago.”

“I don’t know if we can go back to the way things were, but I’m willing to be your friend. If it turns out to be more, than so be it, but right now all I can offer you is friendship.”

Friendship was better than nothing. At least he was willing to give me a second chance. I knew that he was still hurting, as was I, but he was a better man than I thought. I wanted Nick in my life and if friendship was the only way, I  had no other choice.

“There’s nothing I would like more. I always need a good friend in my life.” Nick’s face inched closer to mine. It looked like he was going to kiss me. “Remember we’re friends so we probably shouldn’t kiss.”

“You’re right. How about a hug?” I nodded my head as Nick gave me a hug. It felt good to be in his arms.”Well it’s late, so I will see you in the morning.”

He walked out of my room. I sat there staring at the door.

I needed someone to talk to, so I went to see who was on instant messenger. My mom was online, so I decided to talk to her.

Cinderella bsb: Hi mom!

Denise bsb: Hi sweetie. How are you? How’s the tour? Is Alex behaving?

Cinderella bsb: I’m doing well. The tour is great. I wouldn’t know about Alex, since he’s not talking to me. How are things in Florida?

Denise bsb: Pretty good. I miss you and Alex. It’s sooo quiet here. How are things with Nick? You haven’t killed each other yet?

Cinderella bsb: Not yet. We have talked some things out and decided to be friends for now. I think it’s going to work between us.

Denise bsb: I’m glad that you and Nick are going to be friends. Don’t get your hopes up about getting back together.

Cinderella bsb: Thanks mom. You make me feel so much better.

Denise bsb: It’s not that honey. I just don’t want to see you get hurt. Alex told me Nick was interested in someone.

Cinderella bsb: Mom, why can’t you be happy for me? All you care about is making sure that Nick and I don’t get together. Why are you against me and him?

Denise bsb: I’m not against you and Nick. Remember I was the one who stuck up for you two against Jane. I just don’t want you to get hurt if Nick decides that he is in love with someone else. You aren’t the same person you were before. Neither is Nick. Your relationship might not be able to get past your leaving.

Cinderella bsb: Whatever mom. Bye.

My mother was just like everyone else. No one wanted to see me and Nick together. I couldn’t figure out why everyong was against us. My own family would rather see me miserable than to be happy with Nick. I needed to talk with my mom and Alex. Things needed to be straigtened out.

It was midnight but I didn’t care, I was going to find out what Alex’s problem was. Why was he so intent on ruining my relationship with Nick? I banged on his door, knowing he would be there. I waited for him to answer the door.

“What do you want?” He shot daggers at me. I pushed myself into his room. This was going to be over tonight. I was no longer going to play Alex McLean’s game. After tonight Alex was going realize that I was in control.

“I can’t believe how immature you are. You need to grow up and stop playing games. I’m tired of you feeding everyone a line of bull about Nick and me. You need to mind your own business.” I shouted at him.

“What the hell are you talking about? I haven’t said two words about you or your precious Nicky. I could care less about you. You’ve ruined your life not me.” He leaned against the wall.

“Don’t play dumb with me. I’ve known you all your life. I know the games you play, especially when things don’t go your way. I just talked to mom. She told me about the rumors your starting. Grow up Alex.”

“What are you talking about?”  He acted innocent.

“You told mom that Nick is interested in someone. Apparently, she thinks its not me. I guess he likes someone else on tour. Which is funny since he spends most of his time alone. How could he have the hots for someone?” He stared at the ground, knowing he was guilty. I could always catch him in a lie. My brother was so stupid.

“Maybe he does have the hots for someone. I think it’s time for him to move on. You aren’t the same woman he loved. You are self-centered, shallow, and egocentric. I don’t blame Nick for moving on.” Alex spat at me with hatred.

“First off Alex self-centered and egocentric mean the same thing. I guess I have the brains in the family. You don’t know anything about me. Don’t go pointing fingers at me because you aren’t perfect . I don’t expect you to understand anything about me or my life. It doesn’t matter. Nick knows the truth and we’ve decided to be friends. Just get over it. I’m tired of you and Brian, neither of you know what’s going on, so just leave me and Nick alone.” I slammed the door in his face. I felt better telling him off.

Alex had better get his facts straight the next time he decides to spread gossip around. Did he think I was stupid? He knew that his rumor would get back to me. I didn’t understand why he hated me so much. It was nothing new, throughout our teen years we always fought. I just wish we were close again.

“What’s your issue this time, Rachel?” Brian asked rudely.

“Go to hell. I don’t think you want to mess with me right now.” I glared at him. I was in no mood to deal with him.

“My my my, you haven’t changed one bit. You are still a snotty bitch. I never knew what Nick saw in you. You must be good in bed because that is the only reason I can see him with a woman like you.”

“What do you have against me? You haven’t liked me since you met me. What have I ever done to you?”

 “You have no clue do you?” He looked at me with an evil smirk.

“Brian, I have no clue, but I’m tired of fighting with everyone. We’re adults, can’t we just get along?”

“Did you know I had a crush on you? No you didn’t because you were wrapped up in yourself since the day I met you that you didn’t notice me.”

I stood there in shock. I couldn’t believe he liked me. Why was he still being rude towards me? He was happily married.

“Why didn’t you ever say anything to me?” I whispered.

“I asked you to hang out all the time. You always blew me off for dance class or studying. I just wanted you to get to know me. Then when you chose to hang with Nick, I was jealous.”

“I didn’t realize that you were asking me out on dates. Brian, I was just a stupid teenager. Why didn’t you just ask me on a date instead of saying you want to hang out at the mall. I wasn’t the brightest when it came to boys back then.”

“Whatever Rachel. You always brushed me off.” He looked hurt.

“Brian, I’m sorry. That was years ago. Why are you holding a grudge now? You are happily married.” I asked curiously.

“I love my wife, but I’m still attracted to you. I can’t help how I feel when I see you. That’s why life was so much easier when you were gone. I could forget about you. Now your back and always around. It’s making my life harder.”

“Shit, Brian. What do you want me to do? “ I was confused. I felt bad for Brian, but get over it already. You’re married and you need to get over your teenage crush.

“What can you do? I know you are here for good. I know that you and Nick will eventually get back together. I need to come to terms with the issue. I’m sorry if I have been an ass to you all these years. I was jealous of Nick’s relationship with you. He’s my best friend, so I couldn’t take it out on him. You ended up the target. It’s going to take time to work through this. Can we please keep this between us?”  I nodded. He walked away.

I was more confused than ever. Could life get any weirder?