Chapter One - July 29 - Newfoundland, Canada

Unbreakable.

It's kind of funny when you think about it. In a way, the Backstreet Boys are broken. I mean, Kevin's gone. We're at least cracked, if not full on broken.

The four of us hadn't been wild about the album name, but Jive had pushed us to use it to assure fans that we weren't going anywhere. Of course, we weren't. Going anywhere, I mean. But unbreakable? The jury was still out on that.

Five months. That's how long the guys and I had been on the Unbreakable tour. We had survived as a Kevin-less quartet through Asia, Europe, and South Africa. Now that we were back in North America, it still felt weird without big Bert around. I kind of thought of myself as that kid from Home Alone. Papa Kev was gone. I was unleashed. I could shave, slap some aftershave on my cheeks and just scream my lungs out.

Not that I did. Shaving was too much work. Howie called it a blonde turd, but I thought my 'stache was pretty dignified.

It didn't seem to be hurting my rep with the ladies.

Speaking of ladies, I had just fallen in love for the third time today. The first time was with our waitress at IHOP. She had given me an extra dollop of whipped butter on my pancakes. In my mind, that was practically like a marriage proposal. The second time was while watching Lara Croft: Tomb Raider. I really liked how Angelina looked in that tight body suit.

Now, I was watching a busty blonde slide my boxing robe onto a hanger and I swear I've never seen anything sexier in my life. She turned and I got a glimpse of her ass in tight, low-slung blue jeans. She gave Lara Croft a run for her money. Only nature made long legs like that.

I had never seen the girl in my life. She had a pass slung around her neck. The laminated pass nestled right between her breasts. I just wanted to take it, swipe it in her cleavage and see if she would pay out.

I refrained. I had learned years ago that wasn't the proper way to say hello to a new member of your staff. Brian tells me it's sexual harrassment. I think he's just worried that someday we'll run out of willing female staffers.

But my track records not that bad.

At least I don't think it is.

I watched the new chick grab Brian's robe and shake it out. She had long nails. I was a sucker for nails. They felt good on my back. They felt good on my...

As my thoughts went south and my tongue stayed tied, AJ walked into the room. I could tell that he had just gotten done in the 'pretty boy' chair. That meant my turn was next. I didn't mind the hair styling, but the makeup...

Ugh.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“Your turn, pretty boy,” I chided Nick as I stepped into the wardrobe area backstage. Nick pulled a face, and, glancing back over his shoulder, reluctantly left the room, with a wistful expression. I rolled my eyes. “Little bit of make up never hurt anyo-Ohhhh.” I’d turned the corner and come face to face with an angel of sex.

“Sweet Jesus,” I muttered.

Starting at the foot, my eyes passed, lets see, stilettos… legs… legs…legs… holy shit, still legs… ass… (paused on ass, I gotta admit)… tight waist, huge breasts, long neck, big sexy mouth, wide fuck-me-fuck-me eyes and brilliantly honey-comb blonde hair.

AKA, my Angel of Sex.

I was salivating. I swear to God.

Sex Angel looked at me. “Hey,” she said.

“Huhhhh--- “

Dee, my stylist, came up behind me and rapped me on the back of the head with a pencil. “Hurry up,” she said, “You’ve got sound check in like fifteen minutes.” She looked at her clipboard.

I looked at Dee. Does she not realize I’ve just found the utopia of sex and I no longer need fans or a job or money or pretty much anything else? Well, maybe just a lifetime supply of condoms would be good, but that's all, thanks.

The Sex Angel grinned at me as Dee muttered something about checking on the progress on Nick’s face. “You’re the wild one right?” she asked.

“Huuhhhh---“ I tried speaking again. Yeah, no, still no words coming out of that throat.
I stared at her, feeling stupid.

She stared back, probably thinking I was stupid.

“Your band mate was just giving me the same look,” she mumbled, “Do I have something in my teeth or something?” she asked, leaning towards me. Her breasts practically fell out of her tight t-shirt.

“I- uh-“

“Hallo!” Brian bounced into the room. “Oh hun, you’re – you’re coming out,” he said, turning red and covering his eyes.

What the fuck is wrong with you BRok? You don’t TELL them when their breasts are showing, you enjoy the show! Fucking married people… Just ‘cos they get sex when ever they want doesn’t mean the rest of us are so fortunate…

Actually it’d been awhile. It’d been too much of a while. We’d all been so damn busy working and stuff that I’d somehow managed to lose track of my social life altogether. I pretty much ate, slept and dreamt Backstreet Boys.

Hopefully I’d be eating, sleeping, and dreaming with Hot Wardrobe Girl.

She stood upright and blushed, “Oopsies,” she muttered and turned away.

Brian raised his eyebrow at me. “What a piece of work she is, huh?” he asked under his breath, not amused by the breast show.

“She’s a piece of work all right,” I said. A masterpiece of artwork, that is, I added in my head. And soon she’s gonna be mine.

Chapter Two

"So, I'm in love," I declared as I sat in the makeup chair. Lyndsey, my stylist, rubbed some moisturizer into my face. This was the only part that ever felt good.

"How many times does that make today?" she asked. I wrinkled my nose.

"Four, but that's not important. This last time was real. She's all that."

"Is it the Sun Maid Raisins girl again? Because, Nick, I gotta tell ya...she ain't real. You can't hump a computer."

I snorted. "Who would do that?"

Okay, so there was that ONE time...

I saw her give me a look in the mirror.

"No. We have a new wardrobe chick. She's my new girl. We're like this," I explained. I held up two fingers.

Lyndsey made a face. "Rhoda?"

"Is that her name?"

Lyndsey grabbed the huge bucket of makeup that she smeared all over me every night.

"You're in love with her and you don't know her name?"

"I was just thinkin' of calling her legs. Or tits."

I made a squeezing motion in the air. That elicited a grunt and a rough smack to my face of the thick goo.

"Men."

"Tell me about it."

I looked in the mirror. Dee had just walked in. Even though all the stylists were really supposed to be on equal footing, Dee seem to have an edge up.

"What's wrong with men?" I complained.

"Don't move your mouth," Lyndsey said. My eyes widened, but she motioned to her hand.

"I don't want you eating makeup this time."

I clamped my lips shut. Dee watched Lyndsey work on my face.

"McLean's drooling out in wardrobe. Have you taken a look at that new girl?"

Lyndsey smiled. "Nick and I were just talking about her. Obviously she's his flavor of the day."

Dee snickered. "Funny. I think McLean wants a scoop of that too."

Now they had my interest. Their feminist mumbo jumbo had taken on a great deal of importance. I turned my head to look at Dee and Lyndsey let out a cry of protest.

"We have ten minutes before soundcheck!" she complained. I waved my hand in the air.

"We're always late. Backstreet time," I said. "What's this about AJ?"

Dee smirked. "I'm not getting in the middle of this. I know nothing."

She tapped her pencil against my forehead.

"Now sit here like a good boy and get your makeup on."

She got up and headed off to parts unknown. I plopped back in my seat, spread my legs wide, and pouted.

While I was trapped in the chair, AJ was probably putting his 'bad boy' moves on her. And checking out that great rack. We both had a similar appreciation for a jiggle parade.

I looked at myself in the mirror. The 'stache was going to help me in this battle. What AJ didn't realize was that pretty boy beat bad boy every time.

"Alright," Lyndsey declared ten minutes later. "You're free. Go rock soundcheck."

I was wearing my Celtics jersey. Of course I was going to rock soundcheck. And the concert.

But after all that, I was going to get Rhoda up to my hotel suite. I'd order up some room service, lavish her with some wings and wine and then...

I was so going to rock her world.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Sex Angel was kneeling in front of me changing the buckle on my belt for the fourth time. We were having a hard time choosing between the one shaped like a skull and the one shaped like a cassette tape. Well, that was the excuse anyways.

Nick suddenly came buzzing out of the make up room, his face all covered with goopy crap and his hair super gelled. He looked like he just got out of bed. “Yeah, it’s soundcheck time, so you’re done in wardrobe now!” he called excitedly as he ran in. He stopped short when he saw Sex Angel kneeling in front of me, touching my belt region.

I beamed.

Sex Angel stood up. “Wear the skull,” she said. With a smile and a wink, she turned away and disappeared somewhere backstage.

I looked at Nick. He was scowling. “I see you met Rhoda,” he commented.

“Is that her name?”

“Yeah-huh,” Nick responded.

“Rhoda, huh?” I asked, glancing in the direction that her impossibly long legs had carried her. I snorted, “Rhoda, I’ll ride her!” I grinned and looked back to Nick. His face had darkened.

“C’mon you chuckleheads,” Howie called from the side of the stage.

“Oh look, hair number 247 got perfectly set finally,” I joked. Nick and I had this thing about Howie spending too much time with his hair and the whole numbering of each strand on his head thing… but today Nick didn’t look amused.

I followed Howie onto the stage, Nick on my heels. Brian was already out there, toddling around after Baylee, who was playing catch with a fan. The fans laughed as Baylee beamed from under the mop of curls that graced the top of his head.

The kid looked like an overgrown poodle.

Nick shoved around me and bounced across the stage energetically, his shoulder accidentally banging into mine with force. The fans in the room squealed as Nick shot by them, arms spread wide like he was a bird. He hooked around and dropped to his knees, slid across the stage floor toward Baylee and wrapped his arms around the kid.

“He’s such a show off,” Howie muttered.

“No shit,” I answered.

Then I noticed Rhoda sneaking around from the backstage door to our left. In the time it had taken for us to get on stage, Rhoda had pulled on one of our tour shirts. She’d cut the neck out of the shirt and rolled the sleeves up so it looked like a low cut tank. My face, I noticed, was plastered on one of her breasts.

That. Is. Fucking. Hot. As. Hell.

Nick looked up, saw me staring, and turned to see Rhoda. He looked back at me as he stood up, then turned back to her.

Rhoda waved.

Nick and I both waved back.

“Is that Rhoda?” Howie asked.

“Yeah,” I answered.

Howie laughed, “Oh no,” he said, “Do I detect lust in your voice?” he joked.

I looked at him, “Oh hell yeah you do,” I answered, “Did you see the rack on that? Mm-mmm,” I wiggled my eyebrows suggestively and licked my lips.

Howie laughed, “Yeah, Leigh noticed her and told me if I looked too much she’d put me on a hiatus.”

“A hiatus?” I asked. Howie smirked. “Ohhh,” I snorted. “Don’t expect me to feel bad for you. It’ll be a lot quieter without you two going at it in the next hotel room every night like you were in friggin’ Japan…”

“We didn’t know the walls were so thin, you should’ve said something sooner,” he reprimanded me.

“What good would that’ve done?” I demanded.

Howie smirked, “We would’ve screamed more interesting things.”

“Sick D,” I said, pretending to be disgusted.

Then I realized Nick had disappeared. Where the fuck was he?

Justin came out from backstage and started handing us our microphones. The fans were screaming. I looked around the auditorium as Brian rounded up Baylee and handed him off to Leighanne, who was hovering by the sidelines of the stage. Howie and I made our way to our microphone stands, but Nick was still MIA.

He better not be anywhere near my Sex Angel… I thought bitterly.

Justin pointed, counting us. “What the hell, this group keeps getting smaller and smaller… Now there’s only three of you? Where is Nick?” he looked around.

“He’s over there.” Brian pointed to the back of the room, where Nick was standing with Sex Angel. He was gesturing to the crotch of his pants, running the sides of his hands along the seam line.

You little rat bastard, I thought, Don’t waste your time… She doesn’t want you. She wants me.

Chapter Three

If AJ could play the game, well damnit, so could I. He was delusional to think Rhoda was even interested in him. He looked like a game of connect the dots gone wrong with his overly inked body. Sure I had tats, but they added character.

I took the first opportunity I could to sneak backstage. So what if soundcheck started late? How would that be any different than any other day?

Rhoda was hovering right to the side of the stage wearing one of our tour shirts. I loved that she cut the neck and let her girls get some stage time. Unfortunately, half of my face had been hacked off in the process.

"What's going on?" she asked as I walked over to her.

"Wrong?" I asked. I realized I needed an excuse for just walking off stage like that.

Think Nick, think...

"My pants!" I said. "Uhhh..."

I made a gesture towards my crotch. "I think they're going to fall down," I said sweetly.

Her arms went around me and wiggled the back of my pants. I glanced down into the deep V of her cleavage. If she just pressed a little closer...

Instead, she knelt down. Her mouth was perfectly positioned in line with my zipper. Her hands slid between my legs. I looked up. Brian was usually the go-to guy with prayers, but at the moment I was singing to the porn angels. The fantasy of her head bobbing up and down with my johnson in her mouth--

"Do you want a belt?" she asked. Before I could stop her, she stood up. "It could be you're losing weight."

I smiled. "You think?"

Her lips parted slightly before they curved into a smile. "Well, you guys are active right?"

"I don't know about the others but I'm totally active," I assured her. She gave a little laugh that sounded like Christmas bells and walked back to wardrobe. I adjusted myself. My pants were still loose in the front, but there was no doubt she was making them tighter in front.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

I turned. AJ was standing there, hands on his hips. His stupid skull belt grinned up at me.

"I'm having a wardrobe malfunction," I said haughtily. I rubbed the side of my face. A ton of concealer came off on my fingers. I reached over and streaked it down AJ's nose. His eyes narrowed; I could tell I was pissing him off.

"She's mine. I saw her first."

My eyes widened. I snorted. "What? Nu-uh! I saw her first! You were too busy getting your nails painted. She's mine."

AJ got into my face. It was a stretch; I was taller than him. And better looking than him...

"Here's your belt!"

We both turned. I reached for it, but Rhoda began to work it through my belt loops. AJ looked like he wanted to spit acid.

"You're an absolute doll," I said.

"Would you two please get your act together?" Howie hissed. I looked at him in surprise. Now the only one left on stage was Brian. Bri looked like he was doing a mime act. The girls were eating it up.

"I needed a belt," I said. "I'm losing weight."

AJ snorted. "Is that the large fry diet? Or the 'I need cereal waiting for me in every hotel room' diet?"

I opened my mouth to retort, but the angry Puerto Rican stepped in between us.

"GET OUT THERE. NOW."

"All set!" Rhoda piped up. She stood up and gave me a squeeze on the shoulder. Ha! Eat your heart out, McLean.

With Howie breathing down our necks, the three of us walked out on stage. I took my seat between Brian and Howie and waved to the bouncing fans. I was glad that the other one was on the opposite side of Howie.

I didn't need to hear any more of his delusional crap.

Rhoda so wanted me.

*********************
Well, the soundcheck was poop.

I'd say shit but sometimes it's just funner to say poop, y'know?

Anyways.

Nick kept grinning over at me with his beady eyes like he was some kind of leopard or something. What he didn't know was that I was laughing at him secretly because his fly was open and there were gonna be peek-a-boo pictures of his dirty boxers all over the Internet within the next couple hours. Rhoda was too mature for someone whose dirty-ding-dong had been seen round the world.

Clearly I was the man for her.

The girl was MINE.

Besides, Mr. Oh-Help-My-Fat-Ass-Is-Smaller-Than-The-Tent-That-It-Takes-To-Cover-My-Big-Mac-Chowing-Thunder-Thighs-And-Therefore-I'm-Gonna-Make-Bullshit-Up-About-Wardrobe-Malfunctions-Just-So-The-Hot-Girl-Touches-My-Pee-Pee Carter also didn't know was that I had a secret weapon.

Maturity.

The fact is that although, from the outside, I seem all 100% bad ass, on the inside I am 100% romantic man. It's true. And y'know what else is true? There is nothing to make a girl horny faster than sensitivity.

I literally owe Shakespeare like half my sex life.

And so, I planned to use my secret weapon wisely.

As soon as the soundcheck was over, we all scattered to do our own thing until the show started. Nick and I kind of glared at each other, as though we were each aware of what the other was about to go do, and we split quickly, going in opposite directions.

Let 'im find her first. It wouldn't matter once she saw what I was about to do.

I snuck into the backstage area where our stage props are kept - the cards and glasses and table for the Show Me The Meaning of Being Lonely set, the pieces of the boxing ring... And there, in the center, laying on an amp, was the long white box. Justin had stopped by the florist and picked up the four long stemmed roses we would need during I'll Never Break Your Heart, and now there they were, chilling backstage.

I smiled. "There, there," I said, patting my pocket, where a condom resided in the hopes that one day I would be caught off guard and get some, "Soon enough," I whispered. I scurried over to the box and extracted one of the roses. If I played my cards right, I could not only get the rose to give to Rhoda, but also get Nick into shit later for not having a rose. Hee Hee Hee.

Sweet revenge - it's a bitch, Carter.

Bearing the stolen rose, I quickly scratched out a note about how sexy she was, signed it with love and snuck out to the stylists' bus; Dee, Lyndsey and Rhoda were sharing a bus for the duration of the tour. I slipped onto the bus after making sure that nobody was around to spot me - especially that lil blonde bastard - and quickly set to work deducing which bunk was Rhoda's. After a slight amount of investigative work, I left the rose on the pillow of a bed and turned to go.

I was feeling pretty damn smug about now. I mean, Rhoda was gonna have the socks knocked off her by my unbelievable sensitivity. And you know what that means, right? It means I'M GONNA GET LAID!

It wasn't until the shower turned off that I realized it had been on in the first place.

Bus showers are shit. They're like RV showers only worse. Showers are the number one reason for hotel rooms on tour, seriously. You just can't get all those tiny crevices when you've got a zero percent water pressure for two minutes. But that was like the last thing on my mind, actually, because it was just then that I noticed the bathroom door was wide. fucking. open.

To peek or not to peek. That was the question.

But really it wasn't a question at all.

Not really.

Slowly, I inched towards the bathroom door and peeked around it. Through the mikly, smoked glass door of the shower stall, I could see the form of perfect womanhood. The big, globe-like breasts... the tight, skinny waist... the legs! Those legs. Sweet holy corn nibbles, I could eat the hell out of those legs. I was drooling.

Suddenly, a noise behind me startled me and I jumped as Nick came whipping around the corner from the door, a teddy bear clutched in his hands. He stopped at the door and stared at me. I stood where I was and stared back. "What the hell are you doing here?" we both asked at exactly the same time. Nick scowled.

"AJ, you're a dirty, rotten piece of --" he started, but before he could finish, the bus door opened again.

Rhoda came around the corner, a grin on her face, still wearing the BSB tshirt she'd maimed. I noticed she'd cut off Nick's face. I had to choke to keep from laughing, "Um. What're you boys doing on my bus?" she asked, a confused expression stealing away the smile she'd entered with.

"We were, uh-" Nick stammered.

But wait, I suddenly realized. If Rhoda was here...then who...

"Ro?" called Dee's voice form the bathroom. My eyes widened. Dee? SHIT.

Nick's face paled in panic. "Oh shit."

"Yeah, Dee, it's me, but Nick and AJ are out--"

Before Rhoda could finish the sentence, Dee came out from the bathroom, holding a towel around her body. And then... well, then it happened. Startled to see Nick and I on her bus, Dee let out a strangled cry, and accidentally dropped the towel, revealing all of her womanly glory.

"Oh fucking A," Nick cried, and before anyone - including myself - could think to protest, he'd turned and face-planted directly into Rhoda's cleavage.

Dee flushed redder than her lips usually were, and bolted back into the bathroom, screaming, "GET OFF MY FUCKING BUS! What the HELL do you think you're DOING?"

"I'm sorry!" I shouted.

Rhoda meanwhile pulled Nick's face out from the squishy environment of her breasts. "Um - ew... Did you just lick me?" she demanded.

"GET THE FUCK OFF THIS BUS!!!!!!" Dee screamed.

Nick grinned.

I was not about to eat the wrath of Dee.

I quickly grabbed Nick by the back of his shirt collar, and yanked him along behind me as I ran from the bus. "CALL ME!" Nick screamed as I dragged him out the door.

I was gonna pummel his fucking little blonde tit-licking ass into the cement and leave him there to ferment.

This was officially hardcore war.

Chapter Four

AJ had me by the back of the shirt and even though he was smaller than me, he was doing a pretty good job of dragging me out of the bus. My feet flopped around like fish on land; I think AJ purposely caused my shin to ram into the bus steps. He dropped me once we were on the hard blacktop of the parking lot.

And he kicked me. Holding my side, I scrambled up to my feet.

"What the hell?" I protested.

"You fuckin' licked my girlfriend's tits!" AJ hissed.

My eyes widened. "'Scuse me? Since when did she become your girlfriend? Was it before or after you were watching Dee get all soapy in the shower?"

I had caught him off guard. AJ's eyes widened. I was pretty sure the huge vein in his forehead was going to snap.

"I...thought it was Rhoda," he admitted.

I laughed. "Are you shitting me? You're shitting me right? Dee might have a nice pair of legs, but she's got the Sahara Desert on her chest compared to..." I sighed. "The Swiss Alps. Plus, wasn't the dark hair a dead giveaway? Rhoda's carpet has to match the drapes. That's a natural blonde right there."

AJ's hands balled into fists. I got into my best karate position.

"What up?" I taunted. "You wanna fight me? I'm not the scrawny kid you guys locked out of hotel rooms anymore. Bring it!"

Before AJ could say anything, I heard a cough and several clicks. I turned my head towards the sound of the noise. That was a HUGE mistake. AJ clocked me on the side of the head, spat on the ground just centimeters from my nose and marched off.

The pavement was hot underneath my cheek. I was pretty sure I had landed in chewed gum. I groaned and sat up.

"Are you okay?"

I closed my eyes again. I knew that voice. It figured she'd catch up with us once we came back to North America. I had been safe overseas.

"That's going to leave a bruise. Got any ice?"

I opened my eyes. The girl from The Ring was staring back. No, not really, but that's who she reminded me of with her long dark hair.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

She smiled brightly and held up her camera. She had upgraded. Of course, she probably had to upgrade. I think I threw her camera in a golf pond the last time we met.

"Working."

"Don't you have another band to annoy?" I asked. She shook her head.

"They don't give me any good bands 'til I prove myself," she said.

I frowned. I didn't know the girl's name. I had asked before, but I guess part of being a paparazzo-in-training included being anonymous. That hadn't stopped me from making up names for her - The Ring girl was only one. In the past year, I'd called her Bambi, Razzo, Zo, and Julie. Don't ask me why; she just looked like a Julie. She was like the anti-Rhoda. She didn't have boobs, she wore her hair in a ponytail, her uniform consisted of Nike shirts and sweatpants, and she didn't seem to know where the make-up aisle was in any store.

It was weird, but she kinda reminded me of a dark-haired, female version of myself.

"Dude, what happened to you?"

On cue, Bambi/Zo/Julie scampered off. Brian walked up, shielding his eyes.

"Who was that?"

"She's baaaa-accck," I sang. Bri grinned.

"Oh Ms. Snappy McSnapperpants?"

Damn, why hadn't I thought of that one?

"Yep. We're back on home turf. Obviously she doesn't have enough money to annoy us worldwide."

Bri laughed, but stopped when he took a closer look at my face.

"What happened?"

I scowled and scrambled to my feet. My temple hurt. I could feel a bruise.

"You're going to need more makeup," Bri said with a grin. I let out a growl.

"We have a hotel for tonight right?" I asked. I had to focus. The teddy bear I had left Rhoda had fallen in the shower mayhem. If she was going to land in my bed...

Well, I'd have to move fast.

"Yeah, Justin's working on it. He said we'll have actual showers and beds tonight to rest up before our repeat performance tomorrow."

I smiled. "Excellent."

Bri frowned. "Should I be worried?"

I laughed and threw my arm around his shoulder. "Worried? Never!"

"Is it about the new wardrobe girl?" he asked. "Because Howie mentioned that he was going to call a meeting if you and AJ get any more distracted."

I made a face. I hated Howie meetings. They started off okay but then Howie always got riled up and half the speech was in Spanish and the whole point was lost on me.

"Don't worry," I said. "She's not a distract--"

As if on cue, the bus door opened and the definition of gorgeous stepped out of the bus. I pulled my arm away from Bri's shoulder. He grabbed onto the back of my shirt, but I was to much for him. He didn't dare go any closer to Rhoda. I think it was part of his married man code.

"RHODA!" I called. She stopped and turned. I jogged up to her feeling like David Hasselhoff in slow-mo.

"Oh," she said. I guess she hadn't forgiven me for licking her two scoops.

I put on my best innocent smile. "I just wanted to apologize for..." I made a motion towards her boobs. I blushed for emphasis. "You're just so beautiful and I haven't stopped thinking about you since I saw you in wardrobe this morning."

Her beautiful, full lips opened. "Oh, that's so sweet!"

I turned my head and scuffed the ground. I had almost forgotten about where AJ had hit me, but it really must have looked bad. Her soft fingers cupped my fuzzy chin and she leaned closer.

"What happened?"

Here was my chance. I put on my best 'tough guy' stance. "I overheard someone talking about you and defended your honor," I said.

Okay, that might have been lame. I hadn't exactly been defending her honor when I was sucking at her tender flesh.

But she bought it.

"You did? Oh, you're such a gentlemen!" she exclaimed. Before I knew what hit me, she threw her arms around my neck and I got her whole squeezable body wigging against mine. I wrapped my arms around her waist.

Just then, AJ rounded the corner. I don't think I could have smiled any wider if I had been the Cheshire cat.

***********************

I leave for five minutes - long enough to go snatch another one of the roses - and I come back and Nick's crawling all over my woman like white on rice. That is NOT OKAY. I could feel myself seething, oozing anger from every pore. Nick was grinning like he was the fucking Cheshire Cat and his eyes danced with delight, only lighting up further when he saw me.

I chucked the rose on the ground and stormed away around the buses.

I was so fucking pissed. I beat the crap out of the little shit and he gets squeezed by that delicious bod? Well I hope he didn't think that by winning tonight that I'd back down. Hell fucking no. We had the whole goddam tour. Let her have the boy for now... eventually she'd figure out that she was way, way too much woman for him. Then she'd want the man.

And I am the man.

I sat down sourly beyond the buses, on the curb just outside of the fenced in parking lot behind the venue and reached into my pocket for my smokes. The vein in my forehead had taken on its own identity and was throbbing against my skin harshly. I reached a hand up to cover it and sucked sweet nicotine from the cigarette I held loosely in between my fingers.

Click. Click. Click. Click.

"Nobody wants pictures of me," I muttered, "You're hunting the wrong Backstreet Boy."

Nick's nemesis - I think he said her name was Julie? - came around the corner of one of the tour buses, her camera held a loft. She sat down beside me with a sigh. "Those things give you cancer," she snapped. She reached over and ripped the cigarette out of my hand, threw it on the ground and stomped the shit out of it.

I stared at the sad remains of what was my cigarette. "Son of a bitch," I muttered. I shifted my weight so I was essentially back-to her.

"You'll thank me later when you don't die of lung disease," she said, "And when you can actually sing on that fifty-year reunion tour you people are always going on and on about in interviews."

"What the fuck ever," I muttered.

Julie laughed. "What's up your ass?" she asked. Click.

I turned around. "Do you seriously have to fucking take a picture right now?"

Click. "That's my job, so yes," she answered, smiling. I glowered. Her smile faded. "Sorry," she said. She lowered the camera to her lap. She looked me over, "Nick seemed awful comfy with that chick out by the buses there. Is that his girlfriend?"

I seethed further. "No," I hissed.

"Oh whoa, wow," Julie laughed, "Christ. Sorry. Sore spot? Is that why you beat the shit out of him just now?"

I stared at her. God dammit. Now all the fans are gonna know I beat Nick up. Hate mail, come my way... I was pretty certain my email account was gonna get spammed to fucking death with messages from fans defending the little craphead's honor.

Maybe I'd post on the fan club about him licking Rhoda's boobs.

Julie smirked, "Off the record?" she suggested.

"Just for the record," I said, emphasizing the phrase. "You're a bad reporter. Every time you ask about real stuff you take it off the record." I snorted.

Julie shrugged and stood up. Nick should call her Neanderthal, I thought as her shadow cast a length of darkness over me just as wide and long as Nick's. She's the friggin' Amazon woman...

"I just know what it's like for you guys," she said, "It must be hard not having any private life."

"Well we would if it wasn't for you," I snapped.

I reached in my pocket and pulled out my pack of smokes, planning to light another one, but - faster than fast - Julie swooped down, snagged the entire pack out of my clutches, and chucked it down the sewer. I felt my blood pressure rise. Click. Click. Click. She smirked. "You'll thank me one day, McLean."

Chapter Five

The concert that night was interesting to say the least. I'm pretty sure AJ tried to knock me out in the ring. He made it look like an accident, but there was nothing accidental about it in his angry eyes.

Then there was the whole thing with the roses. Bri and I ended up without roses; Justin's eyes practically bugged out of his head. Stupid ass AJ had fuckin' set me up to look like a dickhead. I could just feel the disappointment radiating from the crowd of hopeful girls. I had to think quickly; I took off my tie and flung it into the crowd. That scored me tons of brownie points.

Rhoda seemed to appreciate my quick thinking. While AJ was out on stage singing Drive By Love, I changed for my solo number.

"That was so sweet of you throwing your tie," she said.

I smiled. "You think so?"

She looked at me under thick lashes. "Very."

I licked my lips. "Well, I think you'll find I'm actually an all-around sweet guy," I said. I pointed towards the stage. AJ was humping the ground. I secretly wished that he would get a cock splinter. "Watch out for that one."

Rhoda laughed. "You guys are all nice."

She wrapped her fingers around my arm. I had to fight the urge to press her against the wall and kiss those lush lips.

"What are you doing after the show?" I blurted instead. She smiled.

"Dee and Lyndsey invited me to a club!" she said giddily.

"What club?"

The smile slid off her face. She looked nervous.

"Oh. Um...Dee said I couldn't tell you. Or AJ."

My eyes narrowed. "She did?"

Rhoda looked panicked. "She wants a girls night! No offense to you guys." Her eyes softened like pools of hershey syrup. "Maybe we can go clubbing together another night."

I took a deep breath. This leg of the tour had just begun. I'd have other opportunities. I mean, she had just offered me a raincheck.

"Absolutely," I said with a grin.

"Watch out!"

Bri's voice was laced with fear. I hopped out of the way just in time. AJ had come sprinting towards me. He ground to a halt in front of Rhoda. We stared each other down.

"You're turn," AJ said with a smirk.

I hesitated. I didn't want to leave Rhoda alone with...with...him. It wasn't that I was worried AJ would get her. He didn't have the charisma I did. I was kind of like a puppy. I suckered girls in with my charming face and then I humped them until they kicked me out in the rain.

It was a pattern I was used to.

"Nick, GO!"

Howie turned me towards the stage. He all but kicked me in the ass. I took a couple slow steps out. Once I was spotted, there was no turning back. The band started to play. As I began to sing, I caught a glimpse of Razzo, er Julie, er...Snappy McSnapperpants off to the side clicking away. This was the first time I had actually seen her in the crowd at a concert. She was stepping up her A game. I glanced back to the side of the stage. Rhoda was bouncing to the music.

I had to focus. Sing, Carter!

People tell me, you stay where you belong
But all my life I've tried to prove them wrong...

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

As Nick galloped onto the stage and started wooing the audience, Rhoda turned to Brian, "Well come on," she said, "Let's get you set..." and with that, she headed back in to the wardrobe area backstage. Brian shrugged at Howie, who was still seething at me, and took off. I moved quickly, intending to follow after them, but Howie grabbed my arm.

"What the hell is going on?" he demanded.

I glanced at the stage, "The show?" I asked, playing stupid.

"Between you and Nick and this chick?"

I blinked sweetly. "I dunno what you're talkin--"

"If we keep having problems, I'm gonna get rid of her."

Get RID of her? Get RID of -- Jesus what is WRONG with married people??? Get RID of something as fucking perfect as Rhoda?

"Dude, D," I said, rolling my eyes, "Nothing is going on between Nick, Rhoda and I. Or at least not between Nick and Rhoda... Nick's just taking it hard that she chose me over him, that's all. You know Nick..." I smiled.

"Uh huh." Howie didn't look convinced.

"Dude, seriously though, I gotta change or I'm gonna fuck up the next set." Howie released me reluctantly. He eyed me as I catapulted my way back to the wardrobe room.

No way in hell was I missing out on the opportunity to redeem myself with her after earlier with Nick and all...

When I got back into the wardrobe area, though, Rhoda had disappeared. Brian was sitting there biting his nails.

I sat down next to Brian and racked my brain for something to say. Anything to get his fingers out of his mouth. I hated that he chewed his nails. Him and Nick both.

Just one more thing to add to the list of reasons Nick was a pain in my ass.

I had just pulled off my shirt and started tugging on the next set's shirt when Dee walked into the room, saw me, flushed red, and turned and ran back out of the room before Brian ever noticed she'd been there.

"Dude, I saw Dee naked," I spouted, finally landing on a topic once I'd finished dressing.

Brian's eyebrows raised, the fingers withdrew from his mouth, and he sputtered, "Why the h-double-hockey sticks was Howie naked?"

HOWIE?!?? ......... HOWIE? How the FUCK did he jump from Dee to HOWIE? I replayed the sentence in my head.

'Dee'...'D'... Oh. That's how.

"NO!" I shouted, and Brian's tension seemed to dissolve. "No, Jesus - NO. I mean Dee. You know... DEEEEEE." I dragged out the EEE sound like Nick whining over a box of Mini Wheats on the bus in the morning. No, I'm sorry. Not Mini Wheats. Mini Wheeeeeeeeeeee eeeats!

"Deanna?" Brian asked, using her proper name, "Okay. The question still stands. Why the h-double-hockey sticks was Deanna naked?"

"She was showering and --"

Brian's eyeballs almost popped out of his head, "Deanna was showering with Howie?!? Does Leigh know??"

"WHAT? Okay this time there's no excuse, how the fuck did you get Howie into this conversation BRok?" I demanded.

Brian paused a moment. "Oh. Right. Wait. What happened?"

"Forget it, I'm gonna go talk to D."

"Deanna? Or Howie? Good Lord AJ, I'm all confused. Who was naked?"

"Brian... just let it go."

I scurried out of the wardrobe room, intent on going to find Rhoda, and found myself face-to-face with a sweat-drenched Nick. We almost ran into each other. We stopped. He glowered at me, I glared up at him.

"What were you just doing?" he demanded.

"Talking to Brian, if you have to know," I answered.

"As long as you weren't talking to my girlfriend."

"She isn't YOUR girlfriend," I pointed out.

"Well she isn't YOURS either!" he said haughtily.

We glowered.

After a long glowering session, Nick sighed. "Dawg this is stupid," he said in a defeated tone. "Yanno what, no girl is worth us fighting over - even if she has perfect tits."

I eyed him. He could be faking it.

"Seriously, bro, you're one of my best friends," he added.

I melted. "You're right," I answered.

"So let's just forget about Rhoda, okay?" Nick smiled sweetly, "If she's gonna go with one of us... she'll choose. Let's stop this competitive shit... okay?" His eyes twinkled.

"Sure," I answered, smiling back.

Nick struck out his hand. I shook it. He smiled. I smiled.

"Sweet." Nick ducked into the wardrobe room, and I pulled my crossed fingers out from behind my back.

If Nick thought I was seriously giving up that easy... he had another thing coming.

I headed back to the stage.

Chapter Six - August 2 - Halifax, Nova Scotia

AJ and I managed to keep our 'bro promise' in check and our tempers from flaring for exactly three days. I had a sneaky suspicion that Dee and Lyndsey were purposely keeping Rhoda from me and AJ. I cherished the few minutes I had each night with her in wardrobe.

Howie, Leigh, AJ, and I were crammed into a bus heading towards Nova Scotia. As I sat on the leather couch playing World of Warcraft, I glanced around the room. AJ was slumped in a chair with his cell pressed against his nose. Howie and Leigh were in the back room.

One guess what they were doing. I knew that after Howie's dad died that he was even more intent on starting a family. The way they were going at it, if she didn't get knocked up soon, I was pulling D's man card.

"What?"

I blinked in surprise. Had I been taking aloud again? AJ seemed to be in a pissy mood. I smiled.

"Did someone wake up on the wrong side of the bed?"

"There's only one side to wake up on in a bus, Nickolas."

I scowled. I hated when they used my full name. I put my laptop on the couch, stood up, and stretched. I wasn't going to let him get to me. I headed to the small kitchenette and pulled out a box of Sugar Smacks.

I think I must have the most perfect timing in the world. I chose that moment to look out the small window. One of the other busses was driving up alongside us.

Rhoda was doing jumping jacks right in front of the window. My eyes widened. I almost dropped the box of Smacks. I clung to the box tighter. I didn't want AJ to figure out what I was seeing. I slowly opened the box of cereal and put a sugary nugget in my mouth. All the while I was marveling at the sports bra that was struggling to support Rhoda's tits. My eyes hungrily took in the bare expanse of stomach. I wished I could see the rest of her, but my imagination had already put her ass in a pair of tight short shorts.

"Could you chew a little more quietly?" AJ barked. I thought I heard him mumble something about a cigarette, but I really didn't care. Rhoda stopped jumping. Her head turned towards the window.

I was caught.

I almost yelped. I looked to my left and right before I looked back at the window with what I hoped was a sorry expression on my face.

But what I saw next didn't make me so sorry. Rhoda did the same left and right movement I had. She broke into a mischievious smile. She stepped closer to the window. So did I. As if on reflex, my fingers brought another smack to my mouth. She licked her lips. I felt a rush of heat dive south. Her hand slid under the strap of her sports bra and slid it down off her shoulders. I just know she was about ready to do a titty show. I reflexively swallowed...

Unfortunately, I swallowed the whole damn smack. It lodged in my throat and I doubled over in a coughing fit. My hand went to my neck.

"I told you to be quiet!" AJ barked. I made a pounding sound on the counter. He turned around.

"Dude what the hell?"

I didn't know the sign for choking, but I'm pretty sure my purple face gave it away. AJ stood up and headed over to me. Through my watery eyes I saw his sneakers come into view. My thoughts were getting fuzzy. He was going to let me die! He--

All of a sudden, I was bent over the counter and I got a hard WWE elbow right into my back. My gut pressed into the countertop and the woosh of air dislodged the smack. It hit the wall and moved south on a trail of spit. I took a deep breath.

"Thanks," I gasped.

AJ smirked. "Take a break from the trough for awhile," he said. He headed back to his chair. I turned back to the window.

But alas, she was gone. Their bus had shot ahead of ours and was pulling into the venue.

My opportunity had faded. My only consolation was that maybe I could get a do-over, but this time skin-to-skin instead of window-to-window.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Nick, for someone who just had a harrowing near death experience, was amazingly fast moving off the bus when we got to the venue. He shot out the door like his ass was on fire and there were only one extinguisher in the world.

It made me curious what the hell he was up to.

Following at a safe distance, I trailed along behind Nicky around the various buses for entourage until we'd reached the stylists bus. I felt my blood pressure rise.

It wasn't like we hadn't both been mackin' on Rhoda during wardrobe sessions and shit, but that was common knowledge. This - this was backstabbing. This was in violation of the man-code on every level. This was the exact fuckin' opposite of our bro promise.

I was Julius-fuckin-Ceasar, and Nick was Brutus.

Oh. Random fun fact. In Greek, et tu basically meant fuck you. And this is what Shakespeare, the brilliant man he was, basically made Ceasar's last words to his murderer - his back- stabbing, ex-best buddy - be.

If the shoe fits...

"Et tu, Bruti!" I shouted as I bulleted around the corner of the bus.

Nick looked up. "Huh?" His face paled. "Uhoh." He turned and ran and I went after him, just as the bus door opened and twelve miles of leg came out, attached to a teeny tiny little terry cloth boxer-style exercise short, followed by the flattest spanse of abdomen since the Arabian Desert, and then... the bra.

My feet all but squealed as I came to a halt.

Oh. My. God.

"AJ?" Rhoda asked, stepping to the cement. She had on colorful Puma sneakers. Her breasts bounced happily as she moved down those stairs to the lot's surface. I stared at them. "Hi," she smiled.

"Huuuhhhhhh--" I slurred.

"HIRHODAHOWAREY OU?" Nick's greeting upon his return was one mashed up word instead of five separate ones. I turned to look at him, my eyes were livid. He smiled sweetly at Rhoda, ignoring me.

"Hey Nicky," she grinned and turned. Her breasts swished with the motion.

Nick and I both were hypnotized.

"Did you boys have a good trip?" she asked.

"Uh-huh," we both muttered in unison. She reached up to pull her hair out of its ponytail. This, of course, pushed her breasts out and made them wobble as she reached backwards over her shoulders.

Nick literally whimpered.

Rhoda pulled the rubber band out of her hair, and - I swear to God it was like a golden cascade of glory - started shaking out her hair. It was like it was in friggin slow motion. Nick's eyes widened and he watched her breasts sway like he was watching a tennis match.

"Sweet Jesus," I breathed the words.

Dee suddenly appeared at the door to the bus, a harsh expression on her face. "What the hell are you two chuckleheads doing?" she demanded, glaring specifically at me. I couldn't believe she was still pissed at me because of the whole towel incident. Very uncool. Grudge holding bitch. "Why don't you guys grow up?" she demanded, looking between Rhoda and us.

"I'ma grown up," Nick pouted.

Rhoda smiled.

"Like hell you are," I snapped, shoving him in a faux playful manner.

Nick glared at me.

"Seriously, get the hell back to your own bus," Dee said, rolling her eyes. "You guys have never joined us for our morning jog before. There's no way in hell you're joining us now."

JOG? I looked at Rhoda's barely contained breasts. THOSE are going for a JOG?

"I love jogging," I said before I followed the thought all the way through.

Nick, not wanting to be shown up, stammered, "METOOILOVETOJOG!"

I looked at his stomach. "Really?" I asked.

Nick turned red. "I need to jog," he added sheepishly.

Rhoda laughed, "Its okay, Dee, let the boys come along."

Dee rolled her eyes and muttered, "Like jogging is the reason they want to come..." under her breath and disappeared back onto the bus, defeated.

Rhoda smiled and reached out, laying a hand on each of our shoulders. Her breasts were sooo close to us, I don't think either of us were breathing right.

"We're gonna have a lot of fun," she said.

Chapter Seven

I don't know how the words 'I love to jog' flew out of my mouth, but they did and there was no stopping them. Personally, I blame the little shorts that had become reality the moment Rhoda stepped off the bus. I was screwed. I didn't know how I was going to run with a partial-stiffy.

"If you guys lag behind don't think we're waiting up," Dee said. I could tell that the last thing she wanted was me and the 21st century Marlboro man tagging along.

"Are we going?" Lyndsey asked. Dee gave AJ and me one last hard stare.

"Let's go."

"C'mon!" Rhoda said excitedly. Her slender fingers balled up into fists and she started running in place. My head moved up and down with the movement of her jiggly puffs.

Unfortunately, the puffs started to move. We were off.

I was not dressed for jogging. For one, I didn't have on any underwear. Secondly, I was still wearing my pajama bottoms. And third...

I wasn't in shape.

My only consolation was that AJ wasn't physically any better. Years of smoking had taken his lung capacity down. Between his tarred up organs and the little tire I was carrying around my waist, we were both huffing and puffing after sixty seconds.

"FASTER BOYS!" Dee called out.

My eyes widened. It was hot out. I was already beginning to sweat. And I don't mean sexy stage sweat. I mean the stink-yourself-up-to-holy-hell type of sweat.

Rhoda's tight ass was the only thing keeping me moving forward.

Click. Click. Click.

I shut my eyes. The sweat made them burn. I was seriously astonished. How did she keep up with us so well?

"I didn't think I'd ever see you two jogging," Razzo said. She was easily keeping up with us and taking pictures. Something told me that under those baggy clothes she wore that she was in shape.

Unlike me.

"Go away!" I gasped. My feet burned. I know sneakers are for running, but I always purchase on a 'looks only' basis. There hadn't been a pressing need to break them in.

Until now.

"My fuckin' heart," AJ whimpered. He stopped, pressed his hands to his thighs, and bent over. He took a couple deep breaths. The last breath I heard was accompanied by a huge ripping sound.

AJ had ripped his damn pants.

Click. Click. Click.

"Mother f--" I heard AJ start to say.

Julie had stopped to get AJ's torture on film. Dee hadn't been kidding about leaving us behind. I was trying hard not to laugh my ass off, plus I didn't want to stray from the lucious candy cane keeping rhythm in front of me. I put forth a burst of speed I didn't even know I had. I caught up to Rhoda and smiled. She let out a happy laugh.

"Isn't this fun?"

I had a long list of 'fun' things. This wasn't on it. Drinking? Fun. Cereal? Fun when you didn't choke. Sex? Amazingly long-lastingly fun.

Jogging? So not fun. I knew I wasn't going to last much longer. I needed to deploy a sympathy attack. Stopping and gasping like Joe Cool back there wasn't effective.

What could I do?

I didn't think of anything until I hit the ground. My legs just stopped working. The girls kept jogging. I knew it was sad and pathetic, but it was all I had.

"OW! OW! OW!"

Lyndsey stopped, looked at me, and kept going. Dee didn't even turn her head. But Rhoda...

Rhoda stopped.

"OW!" I bemoaned. She turned, her eyes wide.

"What's wrong?"

"Just leave him!" Dee yelled. "He's faking!"

I cried pathetically. "I'm not faking! I--I---"

Crap. Something had to be wrong for me to ow. Uhhhhhhh....

"CRAMP!" I shrieked. I grabbed my leg for emphasis. "Bad cramp!"

Rhoda let out a squeak. Yeah, a squeak. It was totally erotic. It sounded like Minnie Mouse.

Yeah, I have a thing for Minnie Mouse. So what?

I struggled not to grin as Rhoda knelt down next to me. She leaned over and I had to fight hard to resist the urge to plant my face in her boobs again.

"You poor thing! We should have had you guys stretch first! Where is it?"

Her hands reached out to me. I wanted to point to my crotch, but A.) I didn't want her to think I had erector set disfunction (that's what it's called right?) and B.) I figured she wouldn't buy it. So instead, I pointed to my upper thigh. Licks of delight flowed through my body as her hands started to rub hard into my muscles. My leg jerked spasmodically. If she just kept rubbing a little higher each time...

I closed my eyes and leaned back. I heard slow footsteps and more annoying clicks. I opened my eye just a sliver.

Julie had her camera focused on me; the look on her face was unreadable. AJ was right beside her, hobbling slightly and holding his ass. I didn't have any trouble reading the look on his face.

It screamed murder.

I suddenly felt a little bad. This was the second time AJ had come across Rhoda and me having some body-to-body contact. All I had seen was her putting on his belt. I guess we all knew who the winner was in this war. Poor AJ. He had such big hopes and dreams and yet he was delusional. Maybe, I should...

At that moment, Rhoda's fingers brushed (accidentally? on purpose? I dunno) against my balls.

I didn't feel bad anymore. AJ had lost. That was it. The end.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Rhoda is a goddess. She is just unfortunately a goddess who runs like the fucking wind. When my lungs collapsed - and then my pants ripped - I fell to the tar like a rock and hit my knee - YES the knee I've busted like twelve times now - and laid on the sidewalk. I was dying. I was convinced of it. "Ohhhh God," I moaned, "Jesus Christ almighty. Oh my God." I writhed.

When I felt a hand touch my chest, I prayed to God it was Rhoda.

"Are you okay?"

It was Julie. Or whatever the fuck her real name was. I peeked up at her. "I'm fucking fine," I snapped, sitting up. I winced as I bent my knee. Fucking perfect.

"You don't look okay," Julie-slash-photo-bitch said, frowning.

"I fucking said I'm fine," I answered. Just to prove her wrong, I attempted to get up. It failed. I dropped to my ass again.

"Do you want help or are you gonna sit there looking stupid for the next decade?" she asked pointedly.

I pouted. I wanted to sit here looking stupid. I couldn't believe my fucking luck. I fall down and Nick runs off - NICK OF ALL PEOPLE, running! - with the girl. I hope he fucking trips and falls down a sewer drain, I thought bitterly. I spit.

Photo Bitch held out a hand to me.

Grudgingly I took it, and with strength that only Amazon Woman could possess, she pulled me to my feet. "Nice boxers," she teased.

"Shut up." I stuck my hand behind me to hold my torn pants closed.

Then I heard it.

It was like the bells of freedom ringing out across the plains of....wherever the fuck we were. (Is it sad I already have no idea where the fuck we are?)

"OW! OW! OW!"

Julie looked concerned. "Isn't that Nick?" she asked, her eyes widening.

"I fucking hope he broke his goddamned nose," I muttered.

"OW!" he cried again.

"Oh shit, he sounds hurt," Julie said, moving in the direction of the cry instinctively. She left her camera on the ground where she'd put it when she knelt down to help me up. I picked it up and hobbled after her.

Why the fuck did all the women flock to Nick? Jesus.

"CRAMP! Bad cramp!!" he was shrieking like a little girl.

We rounded the corner and found Rhoda kneeling beside him rubbing his fucking thigh. He was writhing on the cement, though I doubt it was in pain... Rhoda was dangerously close to his bulging epicenter. I balled my fists.

I was gonna fucking murder him later.

The second no one was watching.

I needed no witnesses.

Amazon Photo Bitch stopped short in her tracks and stared at Nick and Rhoda on the ground. She reached for the camera she normally had hanging on a lanyard around her neck. I handed it to her just before she started to panic.

Click. Click. Click.

Nick looked up. For a split second, he looked almost sheepish. Then...it happened. Rhoda's hand ran up the inside of his thigh and right over the Carter Family Gems. Nick's eyes widened and he literally moaned.

Julie rolled her eyes and turned away.

I imagined the noise he would make if I kicked him in the same place.

"The end," he whispered, closing his eyes.

Rhoda didn't seem to realize what she'd done. Or did she? She looked at me, "Is he okay?"

"I think you killed him," I answered. I wanted to add my turn, kill me next but I refrained.

She looked at how I was standing. "What's the matter? Did you get hurt too?"

Nick's eyes flew open.

That's right Carter. Be afraid.

"Yes. I think I busted my knee cap."

Rhoda's eyes widened, "Oh poor baby!" she whimpered. She got up and moved around Nick and knelt in front of the curb. "C'mere, let me see."

I sat on the curb and quickly rolled up my pant legs. Nick struggled to sit up and stretch his neck to see what she was doing. My knee was already all purple. Rhoda's eyes widened. "Oh my gosh, that looks like it hurts so much," she gasped.

"It does," I whispered, "But I'm man enough to take the pain."

Nick's face burned deep shades of red.

"OHHH you're soooo brave," Rhoda breathed. "Let me help you back to the bus." She stood up and reached down to pull me up. It took more work on my part than it did hers, unlike it had with Amazon Photo Bitch. But that's okay. Rhoda smelled sexier. She pulled my arm around her shoulder, and my hand naturally landed on her side of her breast. I cupped it ever so slightly, so it wasn't obvious what I was doing.

Nick's eyes were wide like melons.

But I had Rhoda's melons all to myself.

That's right, Nick... Real men win every time.

Chapter Eight

"So you're telling me that you two dillweeds decided to go jogging this morning on a whim?"

I looked at AJ. His leg was in a huge bucket of ice, his teeth were clenched, and his nostrils were flaring.

The nostril thing wasn't as impressive as when Brian did it, but it was still pretty cool. I glanced back up at Howie and nodded.

"Yup. You keep telling us we're out of shape."

D leaned down right into my face. "I call bullshit on the both of you."

I scoffed.

"This has gone past ridiculous. We've been on tour for just a week. One week! Now your damn knee's busted and for no good reason!"

AJ muttered something; the only word I deciphered was 'boobs.' I clenched my hand into a fist.

"I'm going to have to let her go. I warned the two of you to knock it off, but you just didn't listen. You know she could turn around and sue us for sexual harassment?"

"I didn't do nothing to her-ass!" I said. "Her boobs, sure...but..."

"Harass, slickdick," AJ scowled. "As in unwanted sexual advances. Which is what you're known for."

My mouth formed an 'o' as I realized my mistake. Then I grinned. "I'm pretty sure my sexual advances are always wanted."

"¿Por qué?" Howie cried. His face was getting really red.

"Pork?" I asked. "I didn't pork her yet!"

"Listen, you can't fire her," AJ said. I guess it was 'ignore Nick' time. I hated when they did that. "I'm hurt. There's no way I'm going to keep doing this dumb shit. This isn't Rhoda's fault; there's no need to fire her D. C'mon where's your big warm fuzzy heart?"

D sighed. He looked at me. I smiled sweetly. He closed his eyes.

"Fine," he said. "But you better not make me regret this."

"Never," I said.

"Absolutely not."

Howie gave us both 'the eye.'

"Okay. J, you going to be okay for tonight?"

AJ looked down. "I've been more fucked up then this on stage. Let's roll."

I had to give it to him; J was pretty tough. He was a formidable opponent. Howie gave us both one last doubtful look and walked back out into the hall.

"Are you really giving up?" I asked when the door closed. J snickered.

"That will be a cold day in hell."

I leaned back and sighed. It was time for a scare tactic. "I really didn't want to have it come down to this."

"And what are you going to do?" he shot back.

Crap. I hadn't expected to have to give details. I rolled my eyes up to the ceiling.

Shit.

J snorted. "You're all talk and no action. Rhoda wants--"

"What do I want?"

We both turned. Rhoda was standing in the doorway holding our boxing robes. Her big brown eyes were wide and innocent.

I wanted to turn them naughty. AJ started to get up, but I pushed Limp Bizkit down.

"Do you need help with those?" I asked.

Rhoda let out a soft giggle.

"Naw, I'm good."

I zeroed in on her ass she she hung the robes up. She seemed to linger over mine. A smile played at my lips. She reached into the robe pocket.

"Oh! Brian told me to give this to you," she said.

My mind totally went south. Had Bri put in a good word for me? Was I going to get a kiss? I puckered and waited...

A can was pressed into my hands. My pucker disappeared and I looked down.

It was a can. A can of Cheese Whiz.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Nick was up to something. I could tell. I didn't know what yet, but I had a feeling I would know soon enough.

As the time for the show neared and my knee continued to ache, Nick sat smirking to himself in the corner of the room, staring off into space. Brian kept glancing his way, his cheeks reddening, then turning away. They're in on it together, I thought bitterly, watching Brian's body language. Whatever it is, Brian knows about it.

I was getting very suspicious.

I even glanced at Howie a couple times to try to catch Howie winking at them, but Howie winks so fucking much it's impossible to tell if he was winking at them or if he was just being Howie. Finally I decided Howie's ass had been too uptight lately to be in on whatever Frick and Frack were plotting.

I was pretty certain I could beat the tar out of both of them. And I would, too, if I had to; though I would've rathered not to have to kill Brian. I like Brian for the most part.

By the time we were on stage and the show was going smoothly, I'd forgotten all about Brian and Nick and even partially about Rhoda. The girls of Halifax were being generous with the bras and panties and I was enjoying the lingerie showers. Nick seemed to be, too. He was packing a pretty large bulge in his pants that I was certain foretold the fact that the bathroom would be occupied for a few after we got off stage as he -er- entertained himself. He was friendly on stage. He even took the time to tie a bra around my face and laugh and tease the audience saying I'd seen the inside of far too many bra cups.

It wasn't until my solo that I remembered why I'd been leary of him in the first place. And by the time I figured out what he'd done, it was too late.

See, the bulge in Nick's pants was not, in fact, his jimmy-dean.

Drive by love... I sang, running about the stage in my Run DMC t-shirt. The girls were goin' wild. They were bouncing - there were breasts flopping about everywhere. But none of them looked as inviting as Rhoda's. Which is how I so easily spotted her flopping breasts in the corner of the room.

I skid to her side of the stage and started grinding. She was grinning up at me. I could feel the breathing room in my jeans evaporating as I moved - dancing, it seemed, just for Rhoda. The fans in that corner drank it up, they didn't realize I wasn't looking at them. I had eyes for exactly one woman in that corner.

Suddenly, a shriek rang out from the opposite side of the stage.

I turned.

Nick was galloping towards me, a can of Cheez Whiz aimed level with my face. "CHEEZ JIZZ!" he hollered, and he pressed the squirter thing down. Orange processed cheese-flavored product flew through the air like an ejaculation. It sprayed over my face and Nick let out a bellow like he was friggin Tarzan or something before bulleting across the stage.

Yeah thats right you better run, and you better run faster than that, I thought, and, forgetting Rhoda and the fans and the song and the show altogether, I went after him, ready to strangle his fat neck.

"GET BACK HERE YOU DICK!" I shouted.

Nick looked over his shoulder as he jumped over a small amp. This was his fatal error.

In his turn to look back, his body miscalculated the distance over the amp and his legs dropped too soon, his big huge feet catching on the edge of the amplifyer and he went down, face-first, and ate stage for dinner. He scrambled onto his back and lobster crawled away from me, his eyes wide. I leaped at him, and we rolled in a ball off the stage - the fans screaming and clapping naively a few feet away. We landed about four feet off the stage.

"You fucking prick," I shouted.

"YOU GOT CHEEZ JIZZED!" Nick shouted, laughing.

"I'm gonna fucking kill you," I growled.

Nick stared up at me. "Please, please!" he laughed mockingly, "Oh God AJ, spare my life... I'm sooo scared."

I started to swing when I felt Howie's hand wrap around my wrist.

Nick's laughter died immediately. "Uhoh," he muttered.

I looked up at Howie. "Yo D," I said sheepishly.

Howie glowered down at us. "I. Am going. To fucking. KEEL you," he hissed.

Nick's eyes widened. "PLEASE HOWIE SPARE MY LIFE!"

This time, he was serious.

Chapter Nine

"We are in the middle of a damn show for crying out loud! You promised me this shit was over! You--"

"Hey Howie?"

We all looked at Brian. He had on his flannel shirt and his cross and he looked almost angelic.

"What?" Howie snapped.

"Wake up and smell the whiz-zes," Bri said.

He caught my eye. All of a sudden, I knew exactly what he was going to do. I hesitated for just a second until I realized that I was already a dead man.

I might as well go out with a bang, right?

Bri whipped a can of whiz out from behind his back. I still had mine tucked into my waistband. I pulled mine out and we let the whiz fly.

Howie was a quick little gringo, but he wasn't fast enough. His mouth opened to yell, but it was quickly filled with the best non-cheese cheese in the world. He sputtered. Long yellow strands that kind of looked like fish poop clung to his chin and dripped off his nose. Bri and I held down on to our nozzles until they began to spit nothing but air.

"Well, I'm on!" Bri said. He tossed his can on the ground, grabbed his guitar, and went out onstage to sing to the loud. And a million hot girls.

You have to love a career like ours.

Unfortunately, Bri going onstage left me backstage with Howie. Sometime during our 'whizzing jizzing' of Howie, AJ had disappeared.

"This is war Nick," Howie said. "You just wait. Your payback is going to be miserable." I watched him scrape yellow-orange goo out of his nostrils.

"Aw c'mon," I said. "You've been totally uptight lately."

"You two are making me uptight!"

I snorted. "You've known us how long? You should be used to it."

Howie sighed. "It's just time to grow up man."

I stared at the mess we had made. My ankle hurt from where I had miscalculated my jump over the amp.

"Well, if you'd just let me do my thing, the future Mrs. Carter might be right under our noses."

Howie snorted. "So you're going to marry Rhoda?"

Okay, here's the thing. Marriage scares me. Even the word 'marry' sends a little chill down my spine.

"Well, that might be a little hasty..."

D rolled his eyes. "I rest my case."

He disappeared into wardrobe for the next group change. I stood up and rubbed my heel. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw AJ strolling up. He was whistling.

He was way to happy for a guy that had just gotten cheese jizzed.

"Where were you?" I asked suspiciously.

"Me?" J said. "Nowhere."

He grinned. My eyes narrowed.

"Alexander James McLean, I swear---"

AJ ducked into wardrobe before I could finish.

"Whew, that was awesome!" Bri said. He wiped his forehead with the back of his hand. "Let's get changed, Nickers."

"Daddy!"

"Bay, come back here!"

The mop of blonde ran right into the back of Bri's legs. Bri scooped Bay up and grinned.

"It's okay, Leigh."

I watched Bay give him a kiss and whisper something into his ear.

"Aw, that is so cute."

So was the voice that sounded so close to my ear. I turned. Rhoda was watching Bri and Baylee with a sappy, girly expression written all over her face.

"Isn't it though?" I said. "I hope I have a son like that someday."

Okay, so that was a tiny lie. I didn't want kids. I worked hard to make sure that didn't happen; I kept Trojan in business.

"Aw, you would have beautiful kids!" Rhoda said. Bri set Baylee down and walked past me into wardrobe. I think he rolled his eyes, but I couldn't be sure. Leighanne gave me a dirty look and pushed Baylee along back to the side of the stage.

"Well, with the right woman," I said insinuatingly. Rhoda smiled.

"So--"

"NICK!"

I jumped. Bri stuck his head back out the door.

"COME ON!"

Rhoda took my hand. Score!

"C'mon. I'll make sure you have everything you need."

My eyes widened. Everything I needed?

Hot damn

*****************************

"Uptight, my ass," Howie was muttering miserably. Nick was lingering by the curtain with Brian and Leighanne. I had made myself a little trip to the bus unbeknownst to anyone to get the Quik Milk chocolate syrup in attempts to hatch my plan. Howie wandered by me, mumbling to himself half in Espanol and half in English.

Howie was not the target. I let him pass.

I was even cordial enough to let Brian, Leighanne and Baylee - who probably would've loved the opportunity to get his mouth on sugar - get past.

Then I heard his footsteps and I lunged like an angry ape from behind the equipment storage boxes I was crouching by.

See, the plan was to cover Nick in chocolate sauce.

The plan was to get Nick all coated with a thick layer of drippy, gooey, sweet, delicious chocolate-ness.

The plan failed. Miserably.

I didn't even realize Rhoda was there until she shrieked.

Nick's face was fucking priceless, his jaw dropped, his eyes wide. I'd certainly managed to shock the fucking hellfire kittens out of his ass. Problem was, the Quik Chocolate sauce wasn't on him.

"What the HELL are you DOING?" Rhoda screamed, her voice squealy and high pitched. She dropped Nick's hand, which I realized with a pang of jealousy and anger she had been holding. Nick sputtered. The chocolate sauce drippled between Rhoda's breasts and clung in little pools to her cheeks and slid down her hair like oil. I had all I could do not to attack her and lick her clean.

"AJ what the fuck are you doing to my woman?" Nick snarled, evidently forgetting Rhoda was right there.

Rhoda looked at him, aghast, then looked at me.

Nick grabbed at one of the towels on the side of the stage. They were meant to be used when we were sweating, but he quickly turned and set to work trying to sponge Rhoda's breasts off. Not wanting to be left out of the fun, I quickly grabbed a bottle of water, uncapped it, and leaped forward, planning to pour it on her and help move the chocolate.

Rhoda, however, smacked us both away. "Get OFF me!" she shouted. Anger arose in her voice, "BOTH of you, get away from me!" With a few quick smacks to the air in front of her, she managed to knock the towel from Nick's grasp and the bottle of water from my hands. Rhoda turned and ran off.

Howie came up behind me. "Maybe I won't have to fire her after all..." he laughed, "After that pathetic display, she'll probably quit all on her own..."

I looked at Nick. "This is all your fault," I growled.

Nick looked at me like a wounded puppy, "How do you figure?" he demanded, "If you'd just back off and lemme have'er..."

"Are you fucking delusional?" I demanded.

"KNOCK IT OFF!!!!!!!" Howie screamed, "We'll figure all this bullshit out later, right now we have FANS that are waiting for us."

Brian scrambled by. He'd evidently overheard Howie's shouting and didn't want to get involved. He disappeared onto the stage. Howie glared at Nick and I, and Nick sighed. "Fine, let's go get this over with then," he muttered.

Chapter Ten

We had so done it now. By the time we actually finished the show, nobody was talking to me or AJ. Howie was fed up with our behavior. Leighanne was disgusted by the whole 'chocolate sauce' thing; ergo, Brian was too. I sometimes missed the old 'single' Brian. He would have found delight in Rhoda being covered with chocolate sauce. I mean, I don't care that he's all Christian, he's still a boob man through and through.

Then of course we had all the girls on our staff mad at us. Dee tore into AJ something fierce. Lyndsey was right on her heels to lay into me.

"Rhoda's on the bus crying her eyes out because of you two jackasses," Dee spat.

"I've never seen the two of you act so...so...so...neanderthal-ly!" Lyndsey yelled. She didn't scare me; Dee did. Dee was so much better than Lyndsey at tearing us a new asshole.

"Moving on," Dee said coldly. "Here's the rules."

"The rules?" AJ asked. He was being more bold than I ever would have been. "Don't we pay you guys? Don't we get to make the rules?"

Dee stared him down. AJ only lasted a couple seconds; he stared down at the ground and swallowed hard.

"Okay," Dee said. "First off, I don't want either of you two within forty feet of Rhoda unless you're in wardrobe. Got it?"

We both nodded.

"Second, I want you both to write her an apology."

I looked up in horror. "Write?"

Writing wasn't my thing. Talking was my thing. Singing was my thing. But write?

"Write," Dee said. "You got a problem with that?"

She cracked her knuckles. I shook my head quickly.

"What's the third thing?" Lyndsey whispered to Dee. Dee glanced at her.

"I don't have a third thing," she whispered back. She put her hands on her hips.

"Do you guys have anything to say for yourselves?"

I glanced at AJ. I could tell that we were both waiting to see who would say I'm sorry first. The tension built.

"Sorry," I blurted.

"It was a fuckin' accident," AJ added.

Dee pointed at me. "You. You can go."

She turned to AJ. "You. You're not going anywhere."

I know I should have stayed and offered some support to my 'brah, but I just couldn't. Dee was badass. I ran to the bus as fast as possible.

I figured if I started my apology letter now that I'd have a finished copy in, oh, three weeks. Yeah, that's how bad I am at writing.

The bus was dark. I fumbled around for a small light. I didn't think anyone else was aboard, but as I searched for a notebook, I heard a loud moan.

Howie and Leigh were at it. Again.

I had to wonder if all the sex was making him grumpy. I know it wouldn't make me grumpy, but then again I never went into it with a purpose.

Leigh totally had a mission for Howie.

I tried to block out the panting and the thought of Howie's Latino ass riding up and down in the air. I found some paper underneath the orange juice in our little fridge (don't ask), grabbed a pen, and sank down on the couch.

I sucked my lower lip into my mouth and began to chew. My pen hovered over my paper. I think my problem with writing is that I just think too much.

So I decided not to think.

Dear Rhoda,

I'm real sorry about 2nite. It was bad what I said and AJ did. He shouldn't cover girls in chocolate syrup. That was real pigheaded. I was just trying to clean you off. I mean, I like dirty girls, but in a different context. Are you a dirty girl?

I stared at my first attempt. I figured I might be heading into dangerous territory with the whole 'dirty' thing. I crumpled the paper up and tossed it on the floor.

Dear Rhoda...

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dee hovered over me like a fucking evil Jedi, ready to strike. Lyndsey even ran off when Nick did, and I was left alone with the Queen Bitch. She glowered at me. "What the hell were you thinking?" she demanded the minute the door closed behind them.

I scowled. "I fucking told you it was a goddamned accident," I snarled.

"Yeah because it's usually an accident when a guy covers a woman in chocolate sauce," Dee retorted, rolling her eyes. "Why the hell are you boys so infatuated with Rhoda?" she added, "I mean, what the shit does Rhoda have that I don't have, for example?"

I looked Dee over.

"That wasn't an invitation to stare at my chest," she said pointedly, "I know my rack isn't as great as Rhoda's, you don't have to say it." Dee crossed her arms across her chest, "I don't mean literally me," she added.

I looked up at her without speaking.

Dee plowed on, "Obviously 'cos you and Fluffernutter there never pulled these games over me when I first started. Now seriously, are you going to apologize to Rhoda or what?"

"I don't get it," I snapped, "Nick fucking licked her the other day, and she's fine with it. Today he mops her up with a towel and she freaks the shit out? Besides, I didn't touch her. I was trying to spray chocolate sauce on Nick; Rhoda just happened to be there!"

"Why did you want to spray chocolate sauce at all?" she demanded, "That is so immature..."

"Nick CHEEZ JIZZED me!" I cried.

Dee just glared at me.

"Dee, baby," I said, the words tumbling out of my mouth faster than I was consciously thinking them, "You gotta help me out, please. I gotta know how to score with Rho. I can't lose this." She rolled her eyes and started to turn away, but I caught onto her wrist, my fingers wrapping around her hand. I dropped onto my knees and inched up to her, pressing my cheek against the flat plane of her abdomen, my arms wrapping around her and landing on her ass. She smelled like coconuts and raspberries. I hugged my face against her. "Please, Deanna," I begged, "Please help me beat Nick."

I could feel her eyes studying me.

After a long moment, she let out a sigh. "You're fucking blind," she muttered, her voice quavering ever so slightly. She pushed my face away roughly, disengaged herself from my hug, and stormed out of the room.

Blind? What?

When I dejectedly slipped onto the bus, I found Nick asleep at the table, a pad of paper under his cheek and a magic marker in his hand. He'd face-planted onto the table with half a letter written under his cheek. A couple discarded notes lay around, crumbled up into balls. A tiny pool of drool had formed under his gaping mouth. I grabbed the marker from under his hand and I bent down and wrote "I'm a horny dog" across his forehead. I recapped the marker, dropped it onto the table, and went to my bunk.

Blind? What the fuck was I blind about?

Dee was so full of bullshit. What right did she have to be so pissed off at us? And what was up everyone's ass lately?

I crawled into my bunk and pulled the curtain shut. I could hear Leigh giggling and whispering in Spanish to Howie. I closed my eyes.

Dee instantly popped into my mind.

I rolled over and stared at the wall. Fucking bitch is gonna haunt me, too? I thought irritably. I pulled the blanket up to my chin.

But Dee kept occupying my brain. I frowned.

Before I knew what I was doing, I was outside in the fucking freezing dark, knocking on the stylists' bus door. It took a couple minutes, but when the door creaked opened, a slightly drunk, slightly disheveled looking Dee stood in the flood of light coming from inside. Music was playing, loudly, and I could hear Lyndsey laughing somewhere in the background.

"What do you want?" Dee demanded.

I grabbed her hand and pulled her out into the parking lot so we were the same height. I dunno what made me do it. I guess I felt bad for her. She'd had so much rejection in her voice and she'd been so angry about Rhoda... I grabbed Dee, my hands cupping the back of her head, my fingers slipping through her hair, and I pulled her to me. My mouth covered hers and my tongue snaked out between her lips. She gasped, but didn't pull away. She melted into me, turning to putty in my hands.

After a long kiss, I drew back, my hands resting on her shoulders. I looked at her chest appraisingly. "You have a great rack," I stated plainly, "And someday you're gonna make some guy extremely lucky," I added.

And with that, I turned and went back to my bunk - hopefully free to have dirty dreams about Rhoda all night without the image of Dee interrupting.

Chapter Eleven - August 5 - Montreal, Canada

After two days, the words 'I'm a horny dog' were still clearly visible on my forehead. I had wanted to wrap my arms around J's ugly ferret neck and choke him 'til he cried uncle, but Howie beat me to the punch. D was so mad that he banished J to Bri's bus. That might not have been such a bad punishment except that Baylee came down with the stomach flu and the whole bus smelled like diarahea and kid puke.

Serves him right.

Lyndsey and Dee had burst into giggles the first time they saw me. After they stopped laughing, they doubled the amount of makeup it took to make me gorgeous. Plus, I had to have touchups between sets.

We didn't want the world to read my forehead.

The only good thing to come out of it was that Rhoda forgave me. She thought I had marked myself on purpose as a way to apologize to her. Of course, I didn't correct her.

Something good had to come out of the whole thing, right?

Another good thing that happened was that Razzo girl had seemingly disappeared. I was beginning to think that maybe she had decided to go bother some other group.

This optimism didn't last long.

After the show, she was waiting for me earing a Nike shirt and sweatpants and holding that huge camera.

Didn't paparazzi have a dress code?

"Why are you wearing so much makeup?" she asked. I folded my arms.

"We always wear makeup."

"Yeah, but you're wearing so much goo that you look like a living corpse," she pointed out. I rolled my eyes. I decided to change the subject.

"Where've you been the last couple days?"

She smirked. "Why? Miss me?"

I let out a barking laugh. "Never."

She tossed her head back. "Well, for the record, it's none of your business."

"My life's not your business, but you get all up on it!"

"That's different. That's my job."

We stared each other down. It wasn't hard to do; she was my height.

"Good night," I finally said. I heard the stupid 'click, click, click' of the camera as I got up on the bus.

We finally had a free day. I was going to do something fun like check out a hockey game or something, but now I had a different idea...

The next morning, I woke up early (if 10 constitutes as early), grabbed my camera, and went on the hunt.

It didn't take me long to find Julie. She usually always checked into a hotel close to the venue. I hunkered down in a chair in the hotel lobby until she walked past. I scrambled up and followed her at a distance, clicking away.

She was oblivious to me until she stopped at a Starbucks. A bunch of girl's freaked out when they saw me and blew my cover. She whirled around.

"What are you doing?"

I grinned. "I'm your paparazzi for the day," I said sweetly. She squinted up into my eyes. Or so I thought.

"What's written on your forehead?"

At the moment, only the letters 'H' 'O' and 'G' were still visible with the way I had combed my hair. I smashed my hair down more.

"Nothing," I said quickly.

She looked like she was going to argue, but she was next in line. I noticed she didn't have her camera for once. She ordered a cup of coffee; I ordered a sugary drink and I followed her back to the hotel

"Don't you have better things to do on your day off?" she asked. I was trying to drink and snap at the same time.

It wasn't as easy as I thought. I swallowed, wiped the whipped cream mustache off my top lip, and laughed.

"Nope."

Razzo turned and smiled. "Well, have a good day in the lobby then," she said breezily.

"You're staying in your room all day?" I asked. She flipped her hair. It was the first time I had seen it down. It was long, dark....pretty actually.

"I have an important event tonight," she said. "I'm going to get ready this afternoon."

"How long does it take to get ready?" I asked in disbelief. She just looked at me. Her elbow jabbed at the elevator. I continued to take pictures; she just watched me. When the doors opened behind her, she lifted her hand.

"Have a good day!" she said.

The doors closed behind her. I found my old lobby seat and sank down.

Surely she couldn't take all day. Right?

She totally took all day. My left ass cheek had fallen asleep around one. My right ass cheek had fallen asleep around three. I was contemplating peeing in the planter beside me around four when the elevator doors opened.

I have to look twice.

The Razzo that had gone into the elevator looked nothing like the Razzo that walked out. Her hair was still down, but it was shiny and smooth like she had ironed it and then poured silk over it. As if the hair wasn't bad enough, she had legs. I don't just mean those two things that you use for walking. I mean legs. Legs long enough to wrap themselves around a man and do things all night long...

"You've been here all day?"

I gawked at her. I didn't even realize she had asked me a question. She had on a little blue dress that dipped at her breasts (which, even though they were small, looked great in that damn dress) and ended well above the knee...to show off those legs. Did I mention the legs?

"Nick, have you been here all day?"

I blinked. "Where are you going? I've been sitting here all day!"

She smiled. She draped a little blue purse over her shoulder. Damn, she was a woman.

"I've been invited to a banquet for my field," she said. "It just so happened to coincide with your stop."

"Can I come?" I asked. I'm pretty sure I sounded five. I just wanted to be closer to her...that dress...those legs. I was in love again. Totally in love.

Razzo shook her head. "Sorry. I don't mix business with pleasure," she said. I thought I detected something else in that statement, but my mind was chugging too slowly to figure it out. Instead, I watched her cross the lobby. All the other guys turned to look as she passed. I felt jealous.

Why the hell did I feel jealous?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Retching sounds were emanating from the bathroom in the back of the bus, followed by the sound of Leighanne's voice cooing soothingly. The smell of the eggs Brian was cooking on the little micro stovetop and the fragrance of the eggs Baylee was chucking into the toilet mixed and made a delightful aroma to awaken to. My stomach turned.

"Hey you're up early," Brian commented as I slid out of the bunk, "And on a day off, too. Impressive."

"Fuck you," I muttered.

"La-aang-uage!" Brian sang out. He reached for a coffee tin on the counter that had colored paper glued all over it, and, in Baylee's messy handwriting, the words Swear Jar written on it. "You know what it means when you say a bad word, Uncle AJ!" Brian smiled.

I glowered at him, reached in my pocket and took out a quarter and dropped it through a slit in the top of the tin. Mumbling under my breath, I pushed by Brian and onto the sidewalk outside the bus. The sun was just coming up. I sat down on the tar and leaned against the tire and pulled my cigarettes out.

"Fuckety-fuck-fuck," I muttered, cussing just because it didn't cost money outside. "Shit dammit hellfire fu---" I stopped midword when I spotted Lyndsey, Dee and Rhoda standing outside of their bus, too.

Without thinking about it, I stood up and beelined for them.

"Oh Christ," Dee muttered as I neared. "Don't you have something better to do with your day off?" she demanded.

"No," I answered. I looked each of them over, "Morning, ladies," I said, grinning.

None of them returned my grin.

I turned to Rhoda. "Can I talk to you?" I asked.

"We're busy," Dee snapped.

I looked at Dee. "I'm sorry, babe, I'm talking to Rhoda." Dee flared, angry. I turned to Rhoda. "Can I please talk to you?"

Rhoda hesitated. "Well, I..."

"Whatever you got to say to her, you can say in front of us," Dee snarled. Lyndsey looked resolute as Dee sounded.

Rhoda shook her head, "No it's okay. C'mon AJ." She stepped back onto the bus, and I couldn't help but stick my tongue out at Dee as I followed Rhoda onto the tour bus.

"So where are ya'll headed?" I asked.

"Dee wants to switch up wardrobe a bit," Rhoda admitted. She led me to the back of the bus where a couch spanned the width of the back wall. Rhoda sat on it. I stayed standing. She stared up at me, then patted the seat next to her suggestively. "C'mere, doll," she said.

I went.

My palms were sweating. "I'm sorry about the other day," I admitted, "The whole thing with the Cheez Whiz and the chocolate and stuff..."

"It's okay. I got in the way. I should know better than to play with boys." Rhoda smiled sweetly. "What was the fight over anyways?" she asked.

"Uhh - it was - over - well -" I stammered. I paused. "I don't really know," I lied. "You know Nick..."

Rhoda laughed. "Yeah, Nick's a little crazy."

"Hell yeah he is," I agreed quickly. Let's bad talk Nick, yeah, I thought, Perfect.

Rhoda smiled, "Is that everything?" she asked.

It was now or never, I decided.

I swooped down to the edge of the couch. "No, that's not it." I grabbed her hands - those soft, beautiful, wonderful hands, and held them in my own, cupping them. I stared into those big brown doe eyes. "Rhoda," I whispered, "You are so fucking beautiful, and I --"

Dee burst into the room. "What the hell is taking so long?" she demanded.

Rhoda pulled her hands back and stood up to face Dee. "AJ was just apologizing for the other night," she sad happily.

Dee glared at me.

"Well I best be off," I muttered, standing up.

"See you later, AJ?" Rhoda asked.

"Sure," I answered. I started for the door. Dee's arm caught me this time.

"We'll be right out," she said to Rhoda, staring into my face.

"Don't kill him," Rhoda joked, smiling. She turned and walked off the bus.

Dee stared into my eyes. "You heard her," I said, my throat constricting. "Don't kill me." I laughed.

"What are you doing?" Dee asked me.

I blinked at her. "What? Talking to Rhoda?"

Dee's eyes searched mine for a long moment. Then the tension in her eyes broke and she blinked and her eyes filled with tears. "Oh," she muttered.

I was confused beyond confused. "What?" I asked, "What oh?"

Dee shook her head, "Forget it, AJ," she snapped. "Just leave, please."

"But Dee, I don't understand what I did."

"Nothing AJ, you did nothing."

"But..."

"LEAVE." Her voice was commanding.

I sighed. Girls are so fucking insane... I thought as I climbed off the bus and, with slight waves to Lyndsey and Rhoda, headed back to the Littrell Puke Factory, confused as hell.

Chapter Twelve - August 10 - Indianapolis, IN

"I haven't been to a fair forever! Who wants to go on the Ferris Wheel with me?"

My hand and AJ's shot up in the air. Howie tried to pull them back down, but to no avail.

We had arrived early in Indy because we were performing at the State Fair that night. Baylee was feeling much better after that stomach flu incident. Now, Justin, our tour guru had a touch of it. He was trying to sleep it off before VIP tonight. Howie had finally let AJ back on our bus. The words on my forehead were completely gone.

And AJ and I were still battling over Rhoda. Yet, at the same time, I couldn't get Razzo out of my mind. Sometimes while I was sleeping, her face juxtaposed with Rhoda's boobs and it was like she was one of those Greek goddesses or something. I woke up totally horny; I was sex deprived.

I needed to get some. And soon.

Rhoda seemed like my best hope in fixing my problem. Razzo had an attitude; she would be more of a challenge. I didn't need challenge. I needed a warm soft body.

"Oh, choices, choices," Rhoda giggled. "Ummmmm......AJ!"

My heart plummeted. AJ looked at me out of the corner of his eye and his mouth curved into a smile. He walked over to Rhoda and wrapped an arm around her waist.

I hadn't seen Razzo for a couple days. I had no one to go on the fuckin' Ferris Wheel with me.

"Are you guys going to the Ferris Wheel?" Bri asked. "That's our next stop."

If I didn't know Bri's voice so well and if Baylee hadn't been clinging to his leg, I would have wondered who was behind the large stack of stuffed animals. Leighanne began to pull the prizes out of his arms.

"I'll take these back to the bus. GO have fun."

They were all wearing light blue shirts today. One time when Bay was small, Bri and I had sort of lost him. Baylee couldn't give a description of his dad or me. since then, Leighanne had enacted the 'all Littrells must wear the same shirt' code.

She had a great rack, but there's no way I could ever let a woman whip me that bad. I--

"Nick?"

My head swiveled. Rhoda was smiling at me.

"Huh?"

"I said maybe we can do bumper cars later on," she said.

Bumper cars. Rhoda. Boobs. I almost drooled.

"Totally," I said.

Bri, Baylee, AJ, and Rhoda headed off towards the Ferris Wheel. I stood there for a second. Howie had disappeared back to the busses with Leigh. I shoved my hands in my pockets.

I knew I should be the bigger person; I should just let AJ have his time.

But I couldn't.

I took a shortcut that I had found early in the morning before the crowds had started to swell. I had a baseball cap tugged low and besides a few squeals, I don't think anyone recognized me. I got to the Ferris Wheel just as AJ and Rhoda climbed on. I jumped behind them.

"Just one?" the operator asked. I nodded.

The guy made me wait for a minute. When no one else showed up, he put me in the seats right above AJ. Bri and Bay were right below them.

I didn't have a plan. I just knew that a Ferris wheel was a great location for a kiss. If I had to shimmy and shake to keep that from happening...well, so be it.

During the first loop, I don't think AJ noticed me. His arm was around Rhoda's shoulders and she was pointing things out and giggling.

On the second loop, AJ leaned in towards her neck. I leaned forward and then put all my weight into leaning back. That started a chain reaction in the car below. AJ's face hit nothing but air. He looked up; his eyes widened.

"YOU!"

"Hullo," I said with a smile. I gave him a finger wave.

AJ tried to kick around in his seat, but he had a bar in the way. I did another hard swing. Rhoda laughed; obviously the girl appreciated a little danger in her life. AJ tried to make a swipe at my foot but he missed by miles.

That's when I heard the scream.

Bri. He already didn't like heights. Add in a swinging seat way up in the air, and well...

We were in for a Littrell freakout.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

At the sound of Brian's shriek, Rhoda, being the good woman she is, leaned forward. "What's the matter with Brian?" she asked. The chair tipped with her body and I felt my family gems hit the lap bar - hard. I groaned. I couldn't even squeak out for her to stop.

"OH SWEET LORD ALMIGHTY!" The Littrell cart had rolled forward too. Baylee squealed with delight, clinging to a big ass purple koala bear on a stick, with cotton candy in his other hand. Brian was clinging to the chair like he thought he was gonna fall off it.

I looked up at Nick. The chair leaned back. Nick was rocking his seat, making us rock, making Brian rock. Wails for mercy came from below, evil laughter from above. I looked at Rhoda. "My friends are fucktards," I stated.

Rhoda giggled.

"Hey McLean!" Nick yelled, "McLean!"

I looked up.

Nick waved. "Hi."

We were rounding the top of the wheel, about to come down the front side, which would put Nick below me and Brian above me. Being below Brian when he was freaking out like this? Not a good idea. Especially when everyone had stomach flus lately.

"STOP Nick," I bellowed in my most authoritative voice I could muster.

I'd been so fucking close to getting my mouth on Rhoda... so close... then this little retard had to come along and fuck it all up... How many times have I strangled Nick since this tour started? Why must I continue strangling this kid? One of these days I'm really gonna do it and everyone's gonna be like it's about time. I'm sure I can't be the only one he annoys...

Nick grinned.

"Nick I'm fucking serious," I said.

Baylee let out a peal of laughter overhead. "Daddy's turning gree-eeeee-een!" he sing-songed.

Rhoda looked up, concerned, "Brian are you --"

Brian leaned forward.

"Oh fucking Jesus," I muttered. I leaned forward too, in hopes that the projectile about to drop would miss Rhoda and I.

Nachos in reverse are quite gross, by the way. But somehow when a mass like that goes falling through the atmosphere you can't help but watch it, mesmerized. It was almost graceful, the way the chunk of sick kind of danced as it fell.

Even better was where it landed.

"FUCKING A!!!!!!!"

I looked at Rhoda. "Sweet justice."

"GROSS! WHAT THE HELL!??"

Brian was still rather green-faced and wobbly when the ferris wheel came to a stop a few moments later. The attendant had witnessed the barf-o-rama and let Nick, Rhoda, Brian, Baylee and I off.

Nick yanked off his polo shirt and threw it on the ground. It was covered in barf, which spattered across the grass like a bomb upon impact. Nick leaned forward and shook his head, trying to clear the chunks from his hair.

Brian gasped, "Sorry, watch Bay," and bolted for a nearby portapotty.

Rhoda took Baylee's hand protectively.

Nick glared at me.

"Good job, dink," I muttered quiet enough that Rhoda couldn't hear it.

Rhoda's cell phone vibed while Nick and I glowered at one another. "Oh guys," she said, "I gotta get back to the buses, Justin needs some stuff. I'll catch up with you later for bumper cars, Nick," she smiled.

Neither Nick nor I watched as she walked away.

"You wrecked my chance with her," I snapped, "You are not playing fairly."

"All is fair in love and war, baby!" Nick shouted.

"Is that so?" I snarled, "You really wanna play it dirty, Carter? Cos you know I can play it dirty."

Nick got right into my face. "Bring it, bitch."

I got right back into his. "You're going down, fucker."

"Guys?" Brian's voice was still weak. He had come out of the port-a-potty, wiping his mouth with a hijacked paper towel and looking flushed. He looked around, "Uh... where the h-e-double-hockey-sticks is Baylee?"

Nick looked down, his head swiveling. "Uhhh..."

I pointed at Nick, "You lost Baylee?"

Nick's eyes widened. "You lost him just as much as I did!" he cried.

"It was your responsi-"

Brian screamed, panic rising in his eyes, "Baylee's LOST?!"

All three of us broke into a run simultaneously, shouting Baylee's name. Across the fairground, by a french fry truck, I saw a purple koala bobbling along on a stick, hovering over the heads of a group of short kids. I bolted over, but ended up accosting a strange kid with black hair and big blue eyes before I realized it wasn't Baylee. Nick let out a couple squeals as a mother smacked him across the face after he'd grabbed the arm of a little boy with blonde hair no where near as puffy as Baylee's. Brian was hyperventilati ng. "BAYLEE?!?" he cried. "BAYLEE!??"

"Have you seen a kid?" I asked a random attendant at a ring toss booth, "About this high?" I held out a hand to indicate Baylee's height.

"I've seen a lot of kids," the guy answered, rolling his eyes.

I pointed at Brian. "Looks just like that guy if that guy had a lot more hair and a poodle perm," I said.

"Oh that kid. Yeah. I saw him."

"Where'd he go?" I demanded.

"What do I look like, your friggin baby sitter?" The guy spat and turned away.

God dammit.

"BAYLEE!!!!!" Brian hollered.

"Maybe he went back to the buses," I suggested, panicked.

Brian's eyes flashed, "With all these lights and colors to distract him?"

"Speaking of distractions, where's Nick?" I asked.

Brian glared at me. "Which do you think I care more about right now -- where my son is or where the ass H-O-L-E that lost him is?!?" He was so flustered that he'd spelled the wrong part of the swear. I had all I could do not to laugh.

Ass H-O-L-E was gonna be my new favorite Brian-ism.

Chapter Thirteen

"BAYLEE!" I screamed.

"BAYLEE LITTRELL!"

Any kid that looked remotely like Bay was getting the 'Carter' treatment which consisted of being turned around and shrieked at. I had parents screaming at me, fans freaking out, and sweat pouring from my head and pits. People were trying to keep a good distance from me. I could feel the regurgitated nachos drying into my hair. I smelled like south-of-the-border puke and sweat. It wasn't pretty.

"BAY!" I screamed again.

"Looking for something?"

I whirled around. Razzo was holding Baylee's hand. He was still waving the stupid purple thing on a stick. He gave me an angelic smile. I wanted to ring his neck for running off. Instead I sank down on my knees in front of him.

"Oh thank fuckin' god," I gasped. I squinted, checking him over for any bumps, scratches, or bullet holes. "Are you okay?"

Bay wrinkled his nose. "You smell ba-ad." He held out his hand. I looked at it in confusion.

"What?"

"You said a bad word. I get a quarter."

I snorted. "That's stupid."

Razzo put a quarter into Bay's palm. He wrapped his money-hungry fingers around it; his giant Bri nose flared happily. He tossed the quarter in the air; almost hitting me in the process before he caught it.

It didn't take much to make a Littrell happy.

"Where'd you find him?" I asked Razzo.

Razzo was looking cute in a pair of short shorts and a tank top. The tank must have had a built in miracle bra because I had never seen her chest look that good; I was truly seeing a miracle.

"He was trying to find his way back to the busses," Razzo explained. "Thank goodness he's seen me snapping pictures of you guys before. He was starting to get scared."

Baylee looked up at me and nodded dramatically. I winced. Losing Baylee was bad. Baylee getting scared was even worse. He had two of the most protective parents in the world; I was dead meat. Feeling as if I was starting my death march, I had Razzo and Baylee follow me back to the busses.

"I can't believe AJ lost him," I grumbled as I walked. I went to run a hand through my hair, but I remembered the nacho thing. The smell was making me sick. I was used to my own stink; but having Brian's on me was no fun.

"AJ lost him?" Razzo asked. "Or you both lost him?"

I scowled. I couldn't even recall the turn of events. Rhoda left...there was a promise of bumper cars...AJ and I started bickering...

"Baylee? Oh buddy, you're safe!"

Bay's impressive head of hair bobbed as Bri scooped him up. Leigh was right on his heels; she gave me the filthiest look I have ever seen. I gave her a charming smile, but I knew it was totally ineffective because of the puke.

"I'm never going to trust you again," Leighanne whispered. Her eyes were red; she had obviously been crying.

"I'm sorry," I said feebly. I shoved my hands in my pockets. I really did feel bad. I glanced around. I didn't see AJ anywhere; at the moment, I didn't care. I wanted to get away from Bri and Leigh before they really tore into me. I glanced at Razzo.

"I'm gonna take a shower. Wanna come?"

Her eyes widened to the size of saucers. "W--What?"

I nodded towards the bus. "You want to get out of the heat and sit in my bus while I take a shower?" I clarified.

Her eyes grew smaller. "Oh. Um....sure."

We walked back to the bus. Her hair was in a ponytail; I was dying to see it down again. I climbed up and gave Julie a hand. She looked around.

"This is just what I thought it would look like," she said appreciatively .

The bus was a pigsty. Leigh was getting ready to leave; she couldn't take the mess and Howie hadn't knocked her up yet. I guess she thought AJ and I were ruining the mood. Who would have thunk?

"Well, three of us share it so..."

The bus was quiet. I motioned towards the couch. Razzo sat down. My eyes went to her legs. I licked my lips.

"Y'know, if you do want to take a shower with me..."

She gave me a look that stopped me from saying another word. I checked her out sadly and headed to the showers.

I've always been a fan of my hand; but I had been spending way too much time with it lately. After getting the pukey nachoes off me, I spent a little 'Nick' time to unwind. After the water ran cold (which didn't take long), I took my time getting dressed in new jeans and a jersey. By the time I got back out to the living room, Julie was sprawled on the couch. She was asleep.

It was like a Disney movie. No joke. She looked like Snow White. I reasoned that maybe a crazy fan had slipped her a poison apple. If that happened, wasn't it my duty to bring her back to life with a kiss?

I crept towards her. Her chest rose and fell slowly. Her cheeks were red from being out in the sun. I knelt down beside the couch. I inhaled deeply; she smelled like cotton candy. I lowered my head. My heart beat in anticipation.

Before my lips touched hers; Julie's eyes flew open. Her mouth parted. I think she might have been ready to scream; but I didn't give her the chance.

I placed my hand on the jut of her hip and kissed her passionately.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I made my way back toward the buses, scanning the crowd in a panic. "Baylee?" I called, "Baylee?!" I could hear Brian behind me. When we got to where the buses were parked, he bolted for his own bus to get Leighanne while I headed towards the stylist buses. Baylee had last been seen clutching Rhoda's hand, I rationalized. I wasn't exploiting the fact Baylee was missing - I was legitimately researching his whereabouts. Really.

I knocked on the bus door, expecting Rhoda to open it.

Instead, I got Dee.

Dee had on baggy sweats and a baby doll t-shirt with a picture of the Rolling Stones tongue on it. The t-shirt was riding up and her belly button peeked out over the drawstring of her pants, which she'd pulled tight. Under them she had on flipflops and her hair was coming out of her head sideways. Her nose was reddish in color.

"What?" she demanded.

"Hey Dee," I said, backing away.

Dee stared at me. "What the hell do you want AJ? Huh?" she asked. She yanked a tissue out of her pocket. "Rhoda's not here." She reached for the door to close it and I stopped it.

"Do you know where she is?"

"Probably with her boyfriend," snapped Dee.

Baylee was officially forgotten. "Her boyfriend?" I asked. I couldn't help but feel the tension crawl into my voice, "Nick is not her boyfr-"

Dee started to slam the door, but I caught it again.

"You look like shit," I added.

"You're a fucking charmer," she said, "I mean, dammit, with comments like that its a wonder you're single. Women should be wooing at your feet as we speak, just waiting for your compliments..."

"Are you sick?" I asked, ignoring her outburst.

Dee rolled her eyes, "No, I just sound and look like Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer for the fun of it."

I scowled, "Jesus, you don't have to be a bitch about it..."

"Sorry," she said sarcastically, "I'll try to be less of a bitch and more like Rhoda." Again she tried to close the door and yet again I caught it before she could. "AJ," she said... but this time her voice was different, defeated, emotional, "Just... just go... Rhoda's probably around somewhere, I'm sure she'll be happy to entertain you."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I demanded.

Dee sighed, "Like she doesn't know she's driving you boys over the edge? You're a toy to her, you stupid ass." Dee shook her head, "She's playing you both. You should just get Fisherprice stamped on your ass."

"Rhoda wouldn't do tha-"

That's when Dee started coughing. She was practically hacking up a lung. I leaped up onto the bus and rubbed my hand against her spine, trying to diffuse the coughing fit. She held her arms up and hacked. I kicked the door shut and walked her back to the couch in the back of the bus and laid her across it gently. Her eyes welled up as she coughed. "Hey, hey," I said, "It's okay..breathe. ."

"It's not okay," she gasped through chokes.

"No really," I insisted, "It is."

"You don't know anything," Dee responded.

I pulled a blanket off the back of the sofa and draped it gently across her body, running my hand over her sides to tuck her in. My palm slid across her breast and I felt the contour of her nipple. She wasn't wearing a bra, I realized. She had those naturally perky breasts. The kind that stayed standing out without aid. My mouth went dry.

Our eyes met.

Dee was biting her lower lip, an unreadable expression in her eyes.

"Dee?" I asked.

"AJ?"

I started to lean towards her, my heart slamming in my chest. My mouth curved into a pucker slowly, my face mere inches from hers...

"Dee! Do we have any more Nyquil over here?" Rhoda's voice traveled through the bus from the door, "Justin's all out and he really needs some..."

Dee - whose eyes had closed as I neared - opened her eyes and gasped. I pulled away. "Its in the loo," Dee called, using the British term.

"Thanks doll," called Rhoda. "Hey you should hear the commotion outside. Apparently Nick and AJ lost Baylee and Leighanne's ready to rip both their balls off with her bare hands. She's already ripped Nick a good one and she's on the hunt for-" Rhoda came around the corner and found me leaning over Dee. She stopped short and dropped the bottle of Nyquil. "....You," she finished.

Dee blushed.

Rhoda looked from me to Dee, disbelief on her face.

"This isn't what it looks like," I said, jumping up.

Dee looked at me. "What?"

"It's not what it looks like," I insisted to Rhoda. "I was just - I just -" I looked at Dee, then back to Rhoda. I felt torn.

"He was just leaving," Dee supplied. She rolled over, giving me her back, and pulled the blankets around herself tighter. "Goodbye, AJ."

"Watch out for Leighanne," Rhoda laughed.

I stumbled out of the stylists' bus and headed toward the bus Howie, Nick and I were sharing. I climbed on board. I could hear the unmistakable sounds of two people making out. I stopped short. Fucking Howie gets all the god damn fun, I thought to myself.

I didn't really wanna witness Howie getting tongue shoved down his throat, so I got back off the bus and sat down, leaning against the tire.

"Hola amigo!" Howie suddenly rounded the corner of Brian's bus."You really want to sit somewhere in plain sight? Nick found Baylee and Leighanne's on her way to slaughter you."

I thumbed at the bus, "Well I'd be on there except..." I stopped. "Wait a second," I said, the pieces falling into place together. "If you're out here... then..." I looked at the bus door. "Then Nick is in there... Who the hell is he with?"

"Rhoda?" Howie asked, raised eyebrow.

"No, Rhoda's getting Nyquil for Justin," I said slowly. I looked at the bus door.

"Well he was with that reporter chick before," Howie said slowly.

"Julie?" I asked.

Howie laughed, "AJ, that's not her real name," he said, "That's just what Nick calls her. Haven't you ever read her articles? She's a really good journalist..."

"Why the hell would I read them?" I demanded, "Besides, that's a damn hard thing to do when you don't know their real name. I just thought thats what her name was."

Howie shook his head. "Here..." he shoved a rolled up magazine from his back pocket into my hands. "This is her review from the other night. I gotta warn you," he snickered, "She's very biased to Nick."

"Well," I said, "That's good, because apparently his tongue is somewhere south of her tonsils."

Chapter Fourteen

Razzo turned out to be one of those girls who went from zero to a thousand in the course of a second. My very innocent kiss woke the princess and woke her libido. Her nails dug into my shoulders and she kissed me back as if she was a starving person who hadn't eaten for years.

All thought of Rhoda flew out of my mind. Julie's legs wrapped around me and I had two perfect heels pressing against my ass.

The girl was limber. And a moaner. In my eagerness, my hands accidentally slipped the little tank top down and I face planted into her bare chest. The heavy sound of her pleasure was a total turn-on. My tongue made a slow, wet circle around her nipples before I took one gently between my teeth.

"Nick," she gasped. Her body wiggled underneath mine. I didn't want her to ever stop wiggling.

I couldn't remember why I had never noticed how sexy she was before. Sure, I typically had an eye for blondes, but this chick...this chick was hotness redefined. She clawed up my shirt and chucked it halfway across the bus.

She had a great arm, but I couldn't really focus on the arm. I couldn't focus at all. She had a great body she had been hiding and I really wanted to be in it. Her hand stroked over my bulge and I was pretty sure I began to foam at the mouth.

We weren't being quiet, but then again we were the only two people on the bus. I was getting ready to strip her completely when the door to the bus banged open. AJ strolled up as if he didn't have a care in the world.

"Whoops," he said unconvincingly .

Razzo let out a shriek and slithered behind me. I froze for a second before I threw my belt at J. It went a couple feet and just plopped on the floor.

"Gee, I'm sorry," AJ added. He shielded his eyes with a rolled up newspaper but he was smirking like no tomorrow. "I'll let you and Julie get back to...whatever."

He backed down off the bus.

I growled and took a couple breaths. When I was sure he wasn't going to do anything else to piss me off, I turned around.

"Where were we?" I asked with a grin.

Julie didn't look amused. She had her tank top pressed against her boobs.

"Why did he call me Julie?" she asked.

My mouth opened. "Well, um..."

Her eyes narrowed.

"You know my name, right?"

Crap. Shit. Fuck. Damn.

"Of course I do," I said. I reached for her, but she slid to the side.

"What is it?" she demanded.

I swallowed hard. "Well, y'know we've never been formally introduced..." I said awkwardly.

She let a laugh, but it wsa the type of laugh that women use when they're about to explode. She pulled her shirt away and for a second I thought she was going to let me head dive back into her rack. Instead she wiggled the badge that she always wore clipped to her shirt.

I had never noticed it before, but it had her name on it.

Who would have thunk?

"Lauren," I read dumbly. I glanced up at her and smiled. "Do you know that's my favorite name? That's--"

I wasn't prepared for the slap I got. I grabbed my face in shock while she scrambled up off the couch. She tugged on her shirt and stomped around. It was so sad; she was still hot when she was mad.

"How could I have been so stupid?" she shrieked. "It all makes sense. Rhoda's just tugging your dick around so I was second choice. And you didn't even know my name."

"Let me explain--"

"No, I'm done. D-O-N-E."

I opened my mouth to argue, but she stormed off the bus. I fell back against the couch hard. For a long while, I just stared straight ahead.

This was all J's fault. I should have known when he said 'Julie' that he was setting me up. I cracked my jaw angrily.

The whole competition with Rhoda was really just fun and games. I mean, I could have already won her if I really was trying. But this...

This was...was...so mething worse than war. I don't know what that would be, but it was going to be bad.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

When Lauren - as it turns out her name was, thanks to Howie for the knowledge - came off the bus she was still tugging her shirt on over her head, her mascara running and her hair off kilter. Nick came out in boxers after she’d already stormed off between the buses. "Ju- Raz- I mean - Lauren! Please!" He thundered down the steps, "C'mon, you gotta admit, it's a honest mistake! Just a'cause..."

But she was already gone.

"Fucking A," Nick muttered. He covered his face with his hands and lowered to the cement, his knees hitting the pavement. I lingered by the side of the bus. Something deep within me sank. I felt like a giant frozen-hearted craphead.

I mustered the balls to admit to this failure. "Nick, I'm sorry," I said quietly, "I didn't mean to make her --"

"You." Nick shot upright and turned around in a motion so swift I'm not even sure I saw it coming. He was suddenly in my face. "Look, dickwad," he hissed, "Rhoda is one thing but Julie --"

"Lauren?"

"Crappin' hellfire kittens!" Nick shot away from me like shrapnel and slammed the bus door behind him.

I sniggered to myself for but a moment, before I realized that, in the silence of Nick's absence, I could hear someone crying softly. Lauren, I realized, my heart pounding. I inched around the front of the bus and found her on a curb behind a bush. She looked freakish - like Amy Winehouse - her mascara had gone wild.

I felt a twinge of guilt.

"It happens a lot," I stammered.

She looked up. "Go away," she said.

I didn't listen. I sat next to her. "He forgets Brian's birthday, you know. Every year for 17 years he's messed up the date..." I grinned. "In fact –“

“Just shut up AJ,” Lauren said, turning her body away from me. She struggled to her feet. “He didn't forget my name - he didn't care enough to know my name to begin with. I’m stupid for letting him put his hands on me. He obviously is only interested in me because he can’t get Rhoda. He doesn’t actually want me, he wants sex.”

“That’s not true,” I muttered, “Nick doesn’t –“

“Sleep with random women?” Lauren snorted, “Oh AJ, don’t try to lie for him, okay? I know perfectly well he has a manwhore past, okay? Trust me. I’ve photographed it.” She held up her camera. “I’m not stupid. I’m not Rhoda.”

“Rhoda isn’t –“

Lauren snorted, interrupting my words. “No, you’re right – she isn’t. YOU and – and –“ she looked towards the bus. “You two are.” She shook her head, “You have no idea what’s right in front of you and him… well…”

“Aw c’mon Raz,” I said slowly, “Give him another chance. You’re gonna see him like everyday anyways.”

She shook her head. “I got offered another band.”

“What?”

“My editor offered me a new band to cover, so I’m leaving. I was coming to say good-bye when I found Baylee, actually.” Lauren frowned.

I stared at her. In the time that she’d been stalking us around the tour, we’d come accustomed to having her ugly man-frame lurking. I had to admit, though, she had gotten a lot better than we’d expected her to. There were times recently that we didn’t even know she’d been there to see until she wanted us to know. The whole stealth thing was starting to work for her.

“You can’t leave,” I stammered.

“I am, AJ…”

“But who’s gonna take our pictures? And who’s gonna annoy us?”

“Maybe you could buy Rhoda a camera,” she retorted. Lauren turned and walked away. I glanced up at the bus as her frame disappeared around the corner. Nick was staring out, anger written all over his face. He raised one finger.

It doesn’t take much imagination to guess which one.

Chapter Fifteen

I didn't want to perform that night. It was like a whole truckload of estrogen had tipped over and oozed right towards me. I was in bitch hell. Every single one of us guys was in the doghouse. Leighanne had spewed her anger towards me and AJ onto Brian. Leigh was ragging and somehow it was Howie's fault. Dee slapped AJ's face so hard with moisturizer that he should have bruised (and God, I wish he had) and Lauren...

Lauren. Lauren Kitt. I had watched AJ talk to her; I had watched the way she had broke down.

I was a real asshole.

"You never came and got me for bumper cars!" Rhoda said as she passed me my robe. I slipped on the light material and tied the sash. I didn't respond. Even her round girly melons on parade in that little scrap of a halter didn't make me feel better.

The four of us had put on a good act for VIP; now we had to get through the concert. As always, I was running late. AJ had sprinted out; I guess he was scared of me.

He should be.

"Nick, let's go," Howie commanded.

"Break a leg!" Rhoda said happily. I gave her a teeny smile.

Every night was the same. We were introduced, we got out into the ring, and we started singing.

Tonight I decided to shake things up a little bit. After all, we were in a boxing ring.

And I had a target.

As J was bouncing around trying pathetically to look cool and screaming the opening, I leaned against the ropes and shot forward. I pummeled him to the floor. Brian had to sing his lines and mine while J and I rolled around the ring. The crowd was screaming; I'm sure they thought it was a bit of an impromptu performance.

I may run and hide
When you're screamin' my name, alright
But let me tell you now
There are prices to fame, alright
All of our time spent in flashes of light

AJ got to his feet right before the chorus. I ignored the look Howie gave me. I leaned into the ropes.

Looking at the crowd
And I see your body sway, c'mon---aaahhhhh!

J had pulled me backwards. I landed hard on my rump. He had a hold of my robe and I felt a little like I had a boa constrictor around my middle. My leg shot up and I connected (lightly, mind you) with his groin. He shot down while I sprang up. I planted a heavy sneakered foot to his back.

That's when Brian and Howie decided to separate us. For the rest of the song, we chased each other without avail around the ring only to be stopped by the two short ones.

Howie got us back on track as the ring rolled away. At one point, I climbed the scaffolding on the stage. I did it for one reason: to see if Lauren was in the crowd.

But, she wasn't. I had a feeling I had chased her away for good. For some crazy reason, it really did hurt. I had actually felt something in the bus earlier today (and not just her boobs).

By the time we sang Incomplete, I was totally feeling every damn word of the song.

As J ran out for the first solo of the night, I stole backstage. It didn't take me long to track down the liquor that was requested for each show. I had done so well; I really hadn't drank heavily since the tour started. Brian's little talk about kicking anyone out of the group that wasn't 'mature' enough to handle the responsibility had scared me a little bit. He had channeled his inner Kevin. But, I needed a drink. Badly. And I needed to go clubbing. I needed to forget about Rhoda (who, I realized, might just be a tease after all) and Lauren (who wasn't a tease, but--well you kow what happened there). I just needed a lot of alcohol, a random girl, and a couple more shots at J.

Then I'd feel better.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

By the time I finished Drive By Love, Nick was MIA.

"Maybe if you two could stop acting like children," Howie was bitching as we searched for him backstage and Brian started his small talk on stage, "he wouldn't have felt the need to hide out..."

"Cos Nick is the one who needs to hide out," I grumbled, "The man's a fuckin' hippo and you're worried about me intimidating him?"

Howie glared at me.

"He's not pissed about me anyways," I snapped, "Not really." I thought of the look in his eyes when he'd stared out the bus window, like he was a ghost haunting me. His eyes had deepened to a dark turquoise blue, like the depth of the ocean, and I couldn't be sure but I was pretty sure he'd swiped at a tear.

"Just find him," Howie snapped as Lyndsey motioned for him to go see her for make-up. "Get him on stage by the time I'm done and we'll be okay. Other wise..." Howie's voice dipped low, "We may need another band meeting," he said ominously.

I sighed as Howie disappeared into the make-up room.

I wandered toward wardrobe, certain I'd find the kid there. I stumbled in the room and Rhoda looked up from the trunk she was digging Howie's solo outfit out of. She smiled when she saw it was me, "Hey 'J," she greeted me. "How're you feeling?"

"You seen Nick?" I asked.

Rhoda thought a moment. "Now that you said it, no, not since the last set change..."

I sighed.

"Aw what's the matter? Still sad about your little fight?" she asked.

I shook my head, "Ro, I dunno. I dunno what's going down. It feels like everything's startin' to shatter apart or something. Nick and I, and this whole competition..."

"Competition?" she blinked sweetly, "What competition?"

I stared at her. Somehow I felt like telling her what we were competing for would make her feel guilty. I didn't tell her. I swiped my palm at the air. "Just... you know... with the fans," I said. I stood up just as Rhoda bent over and her ass went up into the air. I stared. But somehow my heart wasn't in it.

Dee came into the room, carrying her clipboard and saw me looking at Rhoda. She frowned, and turned to leave. Since she was leaving anyway, I addressed Rhoda.

"See ya later Ro," I said, turning toward the door.

Dee stopped and turned around, clutching her clipboard so tight her knuckles were white. "What did you just call me?"

I blinked, "I- I said - What? I said bye to Rhoda," I stammered.

Dee stared at me for a long moment. "Right," she said finally. She turned and walked out the door. What the hell? I thought.

Rhoda smiled, "It's so awkward sometimes," she said, "Having names so similar."

"What?"

"You know - Rochelle and Rhoda?" Rhoda asked, a confused expression on her face.

I stared at her. "Who the fuck is Rochelle?"

"...Dee?" Rhoda now looked even more confused.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" I demanded.

Rhoda blinked like a deer in headlights. "Dee uses her middle name... Deanna.. You know?"

I stared at her. My mind was trying to wrap around this fact still when Howie walked into the room, all caked with make-up. He narrowed his eyes at me. "Where the hell is Nick?" he demanded pointedly.

"Nick?" I paused. "Oh shit. Nick!" I bolted out of the room, just barely hearing him mutter in Spanish and Rhoda giggle in response. I started back towards the bathroom, figuring if Nick was gonna hide anywhere, it'd be there. I stumbled over a discarded sneaker... and then another sneaker... sock... sock... t-shirt... jeans... Oh Jesus.

I followed Nick's bread crumb trail of clothes until they ran out and looked around. The door to the buses was open.

Fuck.

I moved a little faster, ducking through the door to the back parking lot. The buses were all silent. The lamps overhead hummed quietly as they shed light. I stood in the pool of light from one and glanced around. "Nick?" I hissed.

He was standing in the pool of light cast by one of the lamps, arms spread wide, clutching the neck of a bottle of Howie's tequila, yelling. "COME TAKE A PICTURE OF THIS!! COME ON I KNOW YOU'RE HERE SOMEWHERE!! DO IT!!!!"

"Nick!" I ran over to him.

"C'MON JULIE!"

"Lauren," I corrected him, grabbing his elbow, "Jesus what the hell is wrong with you?"

"Fucking A," Nick muttered, tears springing to his eyes, "Why don't I know her name?" he asked, "I love her."

"You love everything..." I said, "You fall in love like eight times a day."

Nick stared at me, blurry-eyed, "No," he said, "It's not the same." He paused. Then, as though realizing for the first time that it was me he was looking at, he suddenly said, "I don't need help from you."

I reached for the tequila.

"Go away!" I yelled, pulling his arm back.

"Give me that," I snapped, "You've been doing good, man."

Nick tossed his hand over his head. "Take it away from me, then," he slurred ever so slightly. "Take this away just like everything else," he emphasized, "Just like Julie."

"Her fucking name is Lauren," I snarled. I stretched for the bottle, but Nick waved it easily out of my reach and shook it teasingly. I jumped and grabbed his elbow. I hung there like a dysfunctional Christmas tree ornament, kicking my legs. "Nick, give me the damn liquor."

"You think you're so perfect," Nick snarled, "I wish Dee had fucking left a bruise on your face!"

I clawed at his wrist. "Give me the liquor."

"You want the liquor?" he snapped, "Here." He threw it. The bottle flew through the air and hit the cement several feet away and smashed, alcohol sprayed everywhere. "Go fucking fetch it then," he turned away.

"Nick!" I snapped, "C'mon." I grabbed his wrist firmly. He stared at me. I could see in his eyes he was calculating whether to smash me like a bug or not. "We've gotta finish the show," I said, "Howie's waiting for us."

Nick stared at me, resolution set on his face. "No."

"Nick, what about the fans?" I demanded.

He stared at me. "AJ..." he whispered, "I really do love her."

"I know."

He sighed.

"Standing out here in your boxers isn't gonna help..."

"I thought maybe she'd... she'd be here... taking pictures... for the paper."

"She's not, she left," I said, "She got a new band."

Nick stared at me. "She got a new band?" he gasped quietly.

I nodded, "She got a new band."

Nick's eyes darkened again. He pushed by me and into the open door of the venue. I sighed and glanced over my shoulder at the shards of the tequila bottle laying among the buses.

Everything seemed broken like that.

Chapter Sixteen

I was drunk. Not just drunk. Da-runk. I don't even know how the flying shit Sam hell I finished the concert. All I know is that I had to piss like a racehorse when it was finally over. I didn't even make it to the bathroom; I dropped trow next to a potted plant and reduced it's life span by a good year.

"I can't believe you," Bri said. "You lose my son and you get s-h-i-t faced all in one day? What's wrong with you?"

"Love," I said. "It's a major pain in the ass."

"Who are you in love with now? The Wendy's restaurant girl?"

"Maybe he'll hump his computer again," AJ said dryly. I think he was aiming to lighten the situation; it wasn't working. I turned on him like a rabid jackrabbit. We were both down on the ground in seconds.

"Shit! Damn! Fuck!" AJ yelped. Howie pulled me off of him.

"Shower. Bus. NOW. Don't talk to each other. Don't look at each other," Howie instructed.

I scrambled to my feet. I marched off only to bump right into a wall.

"Who put the damn wall here?!" I bellowed.

I heard Leighanne bitchin' to Brian again about the amount of language being used. I seriously turned, flipped her the bird, and headed into the showers.

By the time I got on the bus, I was only buzzed. That pissed me off. I tore D's bed apart looking for some more tequila, but there wasn't any. Instead, I stole a cigarette from AJ's pack, sprawled on the couch, and lit up.

"Thank God Leigh's on her way to the airport," Howie barked. He waved his hand in the air. "You know our rule about smoking on the bus."

I glanced at Howie; there seemed to be two of him.

"Y'know what? Fuck off," I scowled. I inhaled the noxious fumes and blew in his direction.

"Who said you could have one of my cigs?" AJ growled.

D looked between the two of us. He threw his hands up in the air.

"Y'know what. I'm done. I'm tired. Tear each other apart. I'm sick of it. Tell me who's left standing. Maybe tomorrow I'll actually give a damn." J and I both looked at D in surprise. I wasn't surprised he was tired; D could fall asleep anywhere. I was just surprised he wasn't pulling rank again. He headed towards the back of the bus.

J shrugged and lit up. We sat in smoky silence. After a half hour, the bus started moving. We were headed to Kentucky. Or New Jersey. I couldn't remember anymore. Different city, same routine.

"Which band is she following?" I finally asked.

"I don't know; she didn't say."

I grunted. I was down to the filter on my cigarette. I leaned over and squished the tip out on the corner of a plate. As I did so, there was a huge 'BOOM!' and the bus seemed to lose control.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I screamed. My body connected with AJ's for a second before I was tossed into oblivion. I hit the wall hard and slid down it. I heard Howie cussing in Spanish.

I was sure we were dead. The bus was going to tip over and we were going to be nothing but pancaked Backstreet Boys. I didn't quit screaming for a long time. When the bus ceased to move I stopped.

We weren't dead. At least I didn't think we were dead. The lights had gone out but it wasn't totally dark outside. I looked around.

Howie had made it into the living area. AJ was clinging to his cigarettes. He yanked out another one and lit up.

I had to pee again.

"You guys okay?" Howie asked. He stood up and looked around. Everything that hadn't been bolted down was all over the floor.

"What the fuck happened?" AJ asked. His hand shook as he inhaled.

"I dunno," D said. He headed to the doors, hit them open and headed down.

I went to the bathroom. If I was alive, I had to take care of business, right?

D was back in the living quarters when I walked back down the hall.

"Flat tire," he announced. "We must have gotten it in Indy but it finally just blew."

"Where are we?" I asked.

D shrugged. "Damn if I know. All I see is corn. How can people eat this much corn?"

"I like corn," I said defensively.

"Corn on the cob gets stuck in my damn teeth," J added.

"I don't want to talk about corn!" Howie yelled.

We got quiet.

"What do you want to talk about?" I asked.

D sat down. I did too. We glanced at the mess but he didn't bring it up and I wasn't about to.

"Let's talk about how you guys have been acting lately," Howie said. I rolled my eyes. He was pulling his Dr. Phil shit again.

"I'm not talking unless there's liquor," I said.

"I won't talk unless you let me keep smoking," J said. He held up his cigarette.

D gave us both a look. He got up and I thought he was giving up on us, but surprisingly he brought another bottle of tequila out. He set it down on the floor and got two cups.

"You want to drink? Fine. I'll join you. You want to smoke? Fine."

I couldn't believe it. D poured me a glass and handed it to me. He took a swig out of the bottle before pouring a glass.

"Now start talking," he said.

I glanced at J. He leaned forward.

"I've got the hots for Dee," he blurted.

"I'm in love with Ju--Lauren," I said.

"Wait. Isn't this about Rhoda?" Howie asked in confusion.

"No," J and I said in unison.

Howie took another swig right from the bottle.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"I can't help it she's hot... I reallyreallyre allyreally really like her," Nick's voice was slurring, the words running together like blurry images.

"I like her too," Howie grinned.

"Yeah. She's sexy, huh?"

"Mmm..." D mused.

"That wavy hair... and sexy lil button nose..." Nick hummed dreamily.

Howie nodded. "I'd do her."

Nick's eyes were half closed. "I bet she smells like coffee and... and... what's that spicy shit they put on eggnog?" he looked at me.

"Uh... nutmeg?" The nubbins of my cigs lay in the plate Nick had contaminated. Shit lay all over the floor in a pool around us. The bus looked like hell had broken loose. Nick and Howie, however, were more messed up than the bus. They were about one shot each from cleaning the tequila bottle dry and Nick was getting dizzy and couldn't seem to keep his torso upright without tipping to one side. Howie, who handled alcohol much better than Nick or I combined, was even starting to look a little furry around the edges. He was leaned back, holding his little shot glass in his palm, studying it. He'd been upholding half a conversation about the hotness of various fast food chain logos with Nick for the last twenty minutes while I chain smoked. They'd arrived at the Starbucks logo after covering Wendy, the Raisin girl, the Banana girl, Ronald McDonald, the BK King and even Geoffery the Giraffe.

"I fucking love that mermaid goddess," Nick whispered sleepily.

I looked from one to the other. "You guys are fucked," I said, laughing. Was I seriously this pathetic once? I wondered.

Nick grinned cheesy. "I jacked off at Starbucks once in the bathroom," he offered.

Even Howie looked disturbed by this.

"Okay, I think that's enough sharing," I said, stabbing out my last cigarette as it reached the filter. I stood up. "I think it's bed time for Nick."

Howie nodded, "And Howie."

"And Howie."

"I don't wanna go to bed," Nick muttered, leaning back onto the couch.

"Sorry, bro," I said.

"I don't wanna go to bed unless it's with Ju-Lauren," he corrected himself. He stared up at me with sad eyes. "J... will you call her?" he begged.

I sighed. "C'mon." I grabbed Nick's hand and pulled, but I couldn't budge him. He got up himself. I directed him to his bunk. He crawled in and laid his head on the pillow. "Get some sleep, dude, I'll leave the Advil in the bathroom." I started to pull his curtain shut, but he grabbed my hand, stopping me.

Nick's eyes were pleading. "Why doesn't she love me?"

"Because you didn't know her name."

Nick stared at me. "Oh what's in a name..." he muttered.

"Go to sleep."

He sighed. "I'm such a fuck up, J."

"I know you are," I answered. I tried to pull the curtain shut again.

"Hey AJ?" Nick asked.

"What?"

He studied me. "You should pork Dee."

"You're so poetic," I said.

Nick shrugged. "You should."

"I don't wanna pork Dee," I said, "I... I dunno. It's not about sex for once."

Nick stared at me. His eyes were blurry. "Do you think she'll come back?" he asked.

I shrugged. "Maybe she's not worth it if she doesn't."

Nick nodded. "Maybe."

I paused. "Or maybe you should go after her."

Nick's eyes opened a lil bit, then closed. "Mmm.. go after her..." he murmured, "Lauren's sexy..." he was falling asleep. I started pulling the curtain shut. "Lauren's sexier then the mermaid goddess..." he whispered groggily as the curtain closed.

When I got back to the living area, Howie was asleep, his mouth wide open. I took the shot glass out of his hand and the tipped over tequila bottle, which had leaked what little bit was left onto the carpet. I tossed a couple napkins over the puddle it had created and up-righted a small goldfish bowl Nick had sitting on a shelf. Luckily, it had a closed lid and the fish hadn't escaped, nor had its water spilled - much, anyway.

I was halfway through picking up our shit that had flown all over the place when Bill, our driver, came up behind me, "Just lettin' you know we fixed the tire and should be on our way in a couple minutes. Everything going okay back here?" he looked at Howie's sleeping form.

"Yeah we're good," I answered.

Within fifteen minutes, the bus was moving again, and I found myself laying in my bunk, staring up at the ceiling, thinking about Dee. So much had changed in so little time, it was incredible.

Chapter Seventeen - August 16 - Gilford, New Hampshire

It's amazing what a night of heavy tequila drinking can do for you. I hardly remembered any of the male bonding that occured.

What I did remember was how focused I was on getting Lauren back. I needed my personal paparazzi. I wanted to get to know her. Really know her. Not just sexually (even though I did want to get to know her sexually), but also mentally.

AJ and I had both backed off of Rhoda. She had been like our two week obsession. So much had happened in such a short time.

That didn't stop her from flirting with the both of us. It's just that our immunity was stronger. At least mine was. J still sometimes started to drool uncontrollably .

It was that ass. And that rack.

I had contacted the paper Lauren worked for. They wouldn't tell me much, but I managed to send a dozen roses. I hoped they got to her before they died. It would be just my luck that she'd receive dead flowers from me.

The bus had arrived in New Hampshire hours ago, but I hadn't managed to get out of bed. I didn't want to be a big ass baby, but my chest hurt. I didn't remember running into anything in the last, oh, three or four days. It just felt like tight bands squeezing uncomfortably.

"Hey Nizzle, what's up?" J asked. He pushed back my curtain.

"You okay?"

I rolled over. "I'm fine," I said. "Just tired."

J grunted. "Well, Bri wanted me to tell you we've got some good catering today. Something about fried chicken and corn. You would think we were back in Indiana with all the corn on the table."

I didn't answer; J left. I rubbed at my chest and exhaled.

Truthfully, I was a little scared.

An hour later, I finally made my way off the bus. I almost didn't see Bri; I jumped. He was just standing there.

"Dude! What are you doing?"

"Look at the raccoon."

I looked where he was pointing There was a raccoon, but he wasn't alive. He was totally roadkill. I had seen a million of the things as we traveled across the country, but this one was really close.

"That's really gross," I said.

"Yeah-huh," Bri said.

We both shoved our hands in our pockets and stared. Flies were starting to swarm from all directions. There was a big pile of guts.

"You don't think our bus ran over it do you?" I asked. I had a soft spot for animals. And girls.

"Naw. He's been there awhile."

I nodded. After a couple more minutes the raccoon thing got boring. "I'm gonna go eat," I said.

Bri looked like he was going to tell me how disgusting it was that I was still hungry, but he turned at the same time I did.

"I could use some more corn," he admitted.

The smell of fried chicken made my stomach growl. I hadn't eaten well the last day or so. I piled up my plate and sat down next to J. He was licking his fingers and practically gnawing at the bone. I took a big bite. My favorite part was the crunchy skin. I could almost do without the meat and just eat fried chicken skin all day long.

"Hey after the show I need to find a Walmart or a Target or something," AJ announced. Howie looked up. Why?

"I need socks. And underwear."

"Why don't you have Rhoda go buy some of those things?"

"I don't want her buying my underwear!" J complained.

"I'd rather touch your clean underwear than your dirty underwear," I added. I got a glare. I stuffed more chicken skin in my mouth.

"Did I hear my name?"

D, J, and I looked up. Rhoda had on a little sundress. She pressed her palms against her hips and rocked back and forth. My immunity was down; I watched her hips like a pendulum.

"I--er---I---uh---" J blabbered.

"He needs underwear!" I blurted. "And socks!"

Rhoda flashed J a big smile. "Why didn't you say so? I am wardrobe after all. I'll take Dee with me on a run. What size?"

I couldn't help it. I seriously couldn't help it.

"Extra small," I said with a smirk.

I got a chicken bone flung at my head.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

After Howie got over the whole don't-throw-dead-animal-bones-at-your-band-mate thing, and Rhoda was put through extensive knowledge of my need for not extra small underwear, we were informed that the soundcheck fans were being allowed into the venue.

Justin was back on his feet after the sick days he took in Indiana, and he was busily moving the fans into the first few rows of seats and prepping his camera as we lazily made our way onto the stage. Howie, Brian and I did anyway. Nick was taking an awful long time. I kept glancing over my shoulder and waiting for him to bound out but there was nothing doing. "Where the hell is he?" Howie hissed.

I shrugged. Why did Howie always think I knew where Nick was? I mean, sure there was that one time I locked him in the closet on the bus so I could get a couple extra minutes with Rhoda in wardrobe without him interrupting - but that was only one time, and it wasn't recent.

Recently, I had a new object of obsession in the style department.

Justin crawled up onto the stage. "They're getting kinda restless," he muttered, "Where's Nick?" Like Howie, Justin looked at me.

"Don't look at me," I said defensively.

"You sure he's not in a cupboard or a footlocker or something?" Howie asked.

I forgot about the footlocker.

"I didn't lock him in anything," I said. "Last I knew we were gettin' yelled at for throwing chicken wing bones at each other."

"I'll go find him," Brian offered, and he disappeared off to the buses to find Nick.

Howie and Justin started talking, so I roamed toward the edge of the stage to entertain the girls, who were clustered in the first couple rows of seats, eyes filled with looks of admiration and excitement, practically drooling. "Hey sexy ladies," I called as I lowered myself onto the edge of the stage.

Brian returned before I'd had much time with the girls, Nick in tow. Nick's hair was a mess and he was still in sweats and a coffee-stained t-shirt. He mumbled as he lowered himself onto the stool. The fans went nuts, despite his gross appearance, and I was forgotten promptly. I made my way to my own stool and adjusted the microphone's height.

Soundcheck went pretty smooth. The only thing really worth mentioning was Nick's disturbing amount of details about the roadkill raccoon, which he shared with the sickened crowd of girls quite proudly. He was acting kind of weird, though, the entire time. Not to a point that any fan would've noticed, but just enough that I most certainly did.

Once we got the meet and greet portion over with, we headed out back to the buses once again.

The venue was set up kinda crazy. You could tell it was the kind of place that not-so-famous people played because they had minimum security. Consequently, about forty of our hired guys were required to keep things in check. Only a small barred gate kept the girls from squeezing in to see us, so the buses had been parked in a large semi-circle out back of the venue and we'd been requested to stay within that area. So of course the first thing Brian did was break that law. The rest of the afternoon was punctuated by screaming fans as Brian peek-a-booed with them around the edge of the bus and went over to sign the occasional autograph.

Nick was laying on a picnic table that had been dragged out back for us. I don't think he realized anyone was watching him because he was massaging his chest and had his eyes closed, a pained expression on his face. Not good.

"Nizzle," I said, approaching the table. He sat up like a bat out of hell and swiveled to look at me, eyes slightly wild. "What's goin' on?" I asked.

"Nothin'," he answered.

"Is your chest bugging you?"

Nick stared at me, his eyes serious. "No," he lied.

I sighed and sat down on the table next to him. "I was reading that paper the other day..." I said. "The one Lauren works for."

He carefully stayed focused on his hands, refusing to look at me, picking at his fingertips. "She's on the Coldplay tour. They're just about to start the European leg of their tour. She's overseas."

Nick sighed heavily. "I'm being stupid, I know."

"Not stupid, just... horny," I said with a laugh.

Nick shook his head, "It's not really like that, Jizzle," he answered, melancholy despite the silly nickname he'd used. He was still studying his fingertips. "I know I'm real immature sometimes and shit and I don't always have the best brains or whatever, and I've been kinda a manwhore in the past and stuff but..." he paused. "I dunno, nevermind."

"It's different, huh?"

Nick nodded silently.

I watched as across the parking lot, Dee was directing some guys that were scraping the dead raccoon up off the pavement, her clipboard nested in the gentle curve of her arm. She had her hair down and was wearing ugly bermuda-style shorts with a tour shirt tied just under her breasts, revealing her abs. It was like a billion degrees out and a thin layer of sweat covered her flat stomach and calves.

She turned, saw me staring, waved slightly, then disappeared onto the stylist's tour bus.

"I know what you're feelin'," I said quietly.

Nick looked up and saw the stylist bus door close. “You can have her,” he said.

“What?” I asked.

“Rho,” he answered, “She’s yours. I – I don’t really want her anymore.”

It was my turn to look at my hands and study them. I hesitated. “Did you know Dee’s real name is Rochelle?” I asked suddenly.

Nick looked surprised, “Say what?”

“Rochelle,” I said, “Deanna is apparently her middle name.”

Nick’s eyebrows knit together. “Seriously?” he asked, surprise creeping into his voice, “That’s really weird. Where’d you hear that?”

“Rhoda told me,” I answered.

“Did you ask Howie about it? Howie would know her name.”

“I don’t dare to ask Howie anything about women right now,” I answered.

Nick laughed, “Me either.” Then a grin spread across his face. “C’mon… I know how we can find out.”

“Find out?” I asked. Nick’s grin was devilish. I had a feeling we were gonna end up in deep shit for whatever it was he had planned. “Why does it matter?” I asked.

“Oh trust me,” Nick said solemnly, “I above all people right now know why it matters to know the girl’s real name. C’mon.” He waved for me to follow him and made off across the pavilion we’d been sanctioned.

I hesitated. I just knew we were about to catch it good from Howie as a result of whatever the hell Carter had planned… but he was right, I did need to know Dee’s real name. The things we do for love… I thought, and bolted across the lot after Nick.

Chapter Eighteen I didn't know why I was running towards the stylist's bus. I think it had something to do with the fact that AJ had picked up on my whole chest pains thing. I didn't need a lecture about the amount of saturated fat I sucked down or how much I loved D's damn tequila. AJ was right on my heels as my brain worked overtime to come up with a plan. I stopped right below an open window.

"What are you doing?" AJ whispered so low that I almost didn't hear. I put a finger to my lips. I used my height advantage to stand on my tiptoes and peer in the window.

I was a man in love, there was no doubt about that, but I couldn't help but stare at the hot ass scene that my eyes were suddenly being treated to.

Dee, er Rochelle, er (what the hell was up with girls' names lately?) had taken off her shirt. She had on a black bra with red skulls all over it and was dipping ice cubes all over her body. I totally wanted to howl 'arooo-ga,' but instead I knelt down next to J.

"You gotta see this," I said.

"I thought you said we were going to find out Ro's...Dee's...whatever-the-fuck-her-name-is's name. What do I have to see?"

I got down, doggy style. "Get on me."

"Dude."

He was looking at me in disgust. I patted my back. "Use me as a stepstool," I hissed.

J still didn't look like he was up for my plan, but the thought of stepping on my back was too tempting to refuse. I grunted as he put one foot and then the other on my back. I bore the whole of his weight. My chest screamed. What was I thinking?

From above, I heard a moan. The weight lifted off my back a little. J was using the bus to pull himself even more for a better view. His mouth was moving but words weren't coming out.

"Dude, I better not feel anything wet drip down on me," I warned quietly.

After another minute, he jumped off my back. He was totally red. "I need name confirmation," he said seriously.

I was surprised he could still think about a little thing like a name at a time like this. I sat on the floor for a second, just thinking. Then I jumped up.

"Rocccheeeellee eeeeee," I said in a deep, low, ghost-like type voice. "Cooooomeeeeee toooo the winddddowwwwww ww."

AJ looked at me wide-eyed. For a minute I Was sure he was going to smack me in the head. Finally, he started waving his hands frantically. I grabbed him by the neck and threw him around the corner of the bus. We both peeked back around.

She was looking out the window.

"Who's there?" she demanded.

"Rochelle!" I called out in a high pitch voice that I prayed would pass as Lyndsey's.

"What?" she yelled back.

I looked at J and gave him a nudge.

"That was the lamest thing ever," he whispered. I smirked. "Worked, didn't it?"

He couldn't argue with that. He walked around the bus and headed right to the window. It was kind of like Romeo and Juliet, except Romeo was almost bald and covered in tattoos and Juliet looked like she was going to open her mouth and lava was gonna come pouring out.

"Stop jacking around," she complained. J smiled.

"I wasn't."

He pulled himself up using the ledge again. Rochelle didn't move.

"I like your bra," J said. I smacked my forehead. Was I that stupid? She was going to kill him!

"Actually, I love everything about you Rochelle Deanna Karidis."

I dropped my hand just in time to see J kiss her. He had made perfect use of the whole name move. Surprisingly, Rochelle didn't back away or slam the window into his domed up head either. I backed away to give them their time.

My job was done. I needed to lie down again. Match-making had zapped all my energy.

Without Lauren, my heart was totally puttering out.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I poked my head out of my bunk, clutching the curtain around my neck. I threw a precursory glance to the left, then to the right. Nobody was around. I ducked back into my bunk. "I think it's clear," I whispered.

Dee - er, Rochelle - was clutching her shirt and shorts to her chest. We'd managed to wrangle her bra back around her but the bunk wasn't exactly spacious and she'd accidentally kneed me once trying to get the teeny tiny shorts back onto her ass. We'd decided she'd be better off making a run for the bathroom.

"Are you sure?" she asked, "I don't want Nick seeing me."

"Howie lives here too," I reminded her.

"Yeah but Nick's a horny pig, Howie's --" she shrugged, "He's Howie."

"Good point."

I stuck my head back out and found myself face to face with Nick, who'd been just about to reach for my curtain. Nick blinked in surprise, our noses almost touching. "JESUS NICK!" I yelled. Behind me, I felt Dee freeze.

"J," Nick's voice was sad, "J... You gotta help me, you gotta bring me to a strip club or something... You gotta get Lauren outta my head. I'm obsessed, J, I'm going crazy. I can't stop thinking 'bout her, I can't! Every time I try, she like haunts me..."

"I- I uh, I-"

"Please AJ? I hooked you up with Rochelle didn't I? I helped you."

Rochelle kicked my calves.

"OW!" I shouted, "JE-SUS."

Nick blinked in surprise.

"I mean. Yeah. I can do that."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Yeah, whatever," I answered. I had to get him to leave. How the hell did I make him leave? He stared at me with big puppy dog eyes. "Hey - since I'm so awesome and I'm gonna help you get over Razzo, maybe you could go get me like... a- a- uh- a danish."

Rochelle kicked me again.

"Uh two danishes," I said.

"Okay..." Nick looked at me funny. "You okay J?"

"Yes. I'm just really hungry for danishes." I tried to send him a telepathic messageto go the fuck away.

"Right." Nick nodded.

Once he'd left the bus, I drew the curtains open and toppled out. Dee followed and she quickly bolted for the bathroom door, and disappeared inside. I grabbed my t-shirt and pulled it on over my head.

Dee hadn't even come out of the bathroom yet when Nick returned.

"Brian had danishes on the bus, I didn't even hafta leave."

"I don't want Brian's danishes," I said, "I need you to leave."

Nick blinked. "What?"

"LEAVE," I said, pushing him towards the door of the bus, the box of danishes he stole from the Littrell bus still clutched in his hands. I shoved him to the stairs and he staggered down them and onto the cement. I was about to pull the door shut when his eyes bugged and he jumped back into the jamb, blocking the door.

"You had sex," he hissed.

"Go. The fuck. Away."

"You had sex with Dee," he hissed again. His eyes were wider than watermelons. "Oh my God, you porked her."

"Nick, I love your poetic romanticism, but --"

"You're gonna do it again!" he said in dismay, "Thats' why you're kickin me out! Is she coming? Is she on the way over?" he looked around.

"Nick. Leave."

"HOLY SHIT, she's on the bus!" he concluded.

"Nick. GO."

"Was she there all night? Oh my God, you were having hot monkey sex while I was asleep in the bunk right under you weren't you?!?" His nose scrunched up. "Ew you had sex on top of me."

"That's a fuckin wonderful visual, thanks for that. Now LEAVE." I pushed him and he stumbled backwards and I slammed the bus door. I could hear him yelling something about telling Howie and Howie was gonna ban sex on the bus, but I ignored him and flipped the lock on the door.

Dee was just coming out of the bathroom when I got to the top of the steps. She stared at me. I stared back. We stood about six feet apart, staring. "Thanks," she said quietly, "For um..." she motioned to the bunk.

"Yeah," I said, "Thanks."

I was so used to calling her Dee, but she made a beautiful Rochelle. The name just fit her. It just made her complete, like the perfect accessory. Her hair was all messy from the sex, and her face, freshly washed and devoid of make up, glowed. She rubbed her elbow.

I couldn't take it any longer.

I moved to her quickly, pulled her into my chest and let my mouth melt into hers. She gasped and wrapped her arms around my neck, and I picked her up. Her perfect legs wrapped around my waist and she hung off of me as I carried her back into the depths of the bus to the sofa. "I wanna have more hot monkey sex with you," I mumbled into her mouth, "Hot monkey sexy forever and ever..."

She laughed and we toppled onto the sofa cushions, my body hovering over hers, her heels digging into the small of my back. Her hands ran up my neck and through my hair, sending a shiver down my spine and awakening every nerve ending in my nether regions.

"Yeah, lots and lots of hot monkey sex," I muttered as she quickly moved so that she was on top, sitting on my chest. I stared up at her, admiring her. "You're beautiful," I whispered.

Rochelle's face broke into a smile, "Nah," she whispered.

"Yeah," I answered.

Her cheeks burned red. "Oh shut up Alex," she said.

I smirked. "On with the monkey sex!" I called out. She laughed and bent forward, her mouth connecting with mine.
.

Chapter Nineteen - August 18 - Vienna, VA

If I could get suckage as much as my entire life currently sucked, I would be a happy man. As it was, I was the odd man out. J and Dee, er Rochelle, (oh, fuck it) were like two humpback whales. I had begged J three times to go out with me. Each time he said yes, but I was beginning to realize he was so complacent just so I would go away.

"How-eeeee," I whined. D looked up from a shitload of paperwork. The man multi-tasked way too much.

"What?"

"Wanna go to the strip club after the show?" I asked hopefully. I hadn't even bothered to ask Bri; he would give me a speech about worshipping only one body, blah, blah, blah.

Howie leaned back and sighed. I was waiting for the no. At this point I didn't care. I would go alone if I had to. I just had to go out and do something. Everyone was getting to be old fuddy duddies. What happened to clubbing?

"Sure."

I blinked in surprise. "Sure?"

D gave me a grin. "Leigh told me I needed to recharge my batteries. I can't think of a better way."

"I fuckin' love your wife," I blurted. D gave me a look. I backed away before he could change his mind.

The day past by at a crawl. I went through the VIP on automatic. Rhoda flirted with me and tried to raise my ego before the show, but her effects on me were zapped. It was a shame; one night with that body and...

"Oh," I groaned. Rhoda was tying the sash on my boxing robe.

"Too tight?" she asked. She looked at me under heavy lashes.

She hadn't pulled tight at all; it was my chest. I refrained from rubbing it.

"Naw, it's good," I said.

While Rhoda moved on to Howie (she knew better than to touch Bri), I went back to the bus. I dug out a bottle of antacid and popped them like they were tic-tacs. I sank down on the couch and held my heart. I couldn't waste a lot of time; I had to get out there.

I slowly descended the steps. I saw two shadowy figures off to the side: AJ and Rochelle. Who knew under the outer layer of bitch there was a sexpot?

"J!" I yelled. The figures jumped. A second later, J's features became defined under the glow of a light.

"Let's go," he said. He straightened, well everything. I followed him up on stage.

By the time we were done with the ring numbers, I was exhausted. Bri kept looking over at me, but I just ignored him and suffered through every agonizing minute. I wanted to lay down. No, I wanted to go to the strip club. No, I--

I wanted to see Lauren.

"Are you sure you want to go out tonight?" D asked after the show. I rubbed my hair ruthlessly with a towel.

"Fuckin' A. Of course I do," I said. D slid his wallet in his front pocket. He was more of a 'back pocket' guy, but every guy knew the front pocket allowed for easy access to dollar bill money for thongs.

"We leavin' now?"

I jumped. J had snuck up behind me. Rochelle was on his heels. I looked from him, to her, and back again.

"You're bringing her?" I asked. She gave me a look.

"Last time I checked, girls were allowed in a strip club, Carter," she said. I held up my hands. Even that small movement sent electric shards of pain through my shoulders and down towards my heart. I almost doubled over.

"No problem. Just askin'," I said. I lowered my hands and took a deep breath.

All this trouble started when Razzo had left. A few girls, a few drinks, and a night out would solve all these stupid aches and pains.

Who needed one girl when there were so many in the world to choose from.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The club was ridiculously hot.

And I mean temperature wise...

Babe wise it was kinda - well, eh. I had my Monkey, who had Monkey-sexed me up before we left the bus, just enough to get me going. "Maybe when we get back I'll pick up where we left off, hmm?" she'd murmured, suddenly stopping and leaving me - well, not exactly hanging...

The girls were nice, though, I mean I'm a red-blooded man. Just because I had dream-woman-number-uno didn't mean I was blind. They had tits and asses, stilettos and legs that seemed even longer by the perspective we had sitting on the benches right up against the stage.

The club was pretty much famous for one of their girl dancers - a woman with legs longer than the Nile and perky globe-like breasts with nipples that could cut through cement. That's right - fuck glass, these puppies could go through cement.

Her name was Kotton Kandy.

She came out with a fluffy pink leotard, covered in sequins and stilettos the size of Nicks head (which is huge). She pranced right down the length of the platform and quickly thrust into our faces.

"She's hot," Rochelle said appraisingly. She turned to me, "Would you do her?" she asked.

I turned red.

"C'mon, tell me, would you? If you were single and she was like buck naked right in front of you?"

I looked at Howie. "Does Leigh ask you shit like this?"

Howie grinned, but didn't answer. He was too busy fishing ones out of his pocket.

I leaned forward and looked at Nick, who was sitting on the other side of Rochelle. He had his eyes downcast into his drink, rather than up at the half-naked woman on the stage. "Nicky?" I said.

Nick looked up. His eyes landed on me, and I motioned up at the stage. He looked up. "Damn," he muttered, "She's fi--" he stopped mid-word and winced.

"Nick?" Rochelle looked concerned and turned towards him.

"I'm fine," he batted her away, and looked up at Kotton Kandy. "Shes' fucking hotter than hell, isn't she?" he asked, eyes widening as she teasingly lifted up her furry teddy to reveal her thong underneath. She kicked one heel back and put a finger in her mouth as if to say oopsies and moved to straddle the pole behind her, grabbing on and letting her coochie hit the pole.

"That's gotta smart," muttered my Monkey.

"If you do that I'll kiss the boo-boo," I whispered, leaning towards her.

Rochelle grinned naughtily. "I don't have to be hurt for you to kiss it."

I growled under my breath and attempted to pounce for her, but at that instant, Kotton Kandy wiggled out of her thong and tossed it our way and it landed, ring toss style, on my head.

Rochelle giggled and plucked it off me. "Oohh, Alex, she likes you."

"Give it to Nick," I directed her, "I'm not interested."

Rochelle tossed the expensive looking pantie over her shoulder into Nick's waiting hands. His eyes were wide, almost panicked looking, though. He looked back at the stage.

Howie waved some ones in the air as Rochelle and I started making out. I felt energized, like adrenaline was rushing through my veins. My pants were tight in the groin and I pulled Rochelle closer to me. "You know," I whispered, "I think I saw a bathroom..."

"Oh you naughty thing..." she whispered into my ear.

"You wanna?"

She nodded.

I practically leaped off the stool, nearly knocking it over. She giggled, and grabbed my hand. "We'll be right back," I hissed into Howie's ear. He waved me away like I was a gnat. "C'mon," I pulled Rochelle between the tables of hooting and hollering men towards a bathroom to the left of the room.

We were just reaching the door - my hand was on the knob - when it happened.

I glanced back toward the stage. Kotton Kandy was sitting on the stage in front of Nick, one stilettoed foot on each of his shoulders, slowly lifting her teddy up over her head, revealing inch by glorious hallelujah-chorus-raising inch her perfectly formed mounds... and she'd just gotten the teddy off and leaned forward to give him a million-dollar moment with her breasts when Nick literally passed out.

"Has it been that long since he's had sex?" Rochelle asked in a nervous, joking manner.

But a chill had shot down my spine.

"Its his heart," I gasped - and I ran.

Chapter Twenty

The last thing I remember are nipples. It was kind of like my life had gone full circle; my life was one big boob.

"Is he saying boob?"

"I dunno. If he's talking, that means he's not dead."

I wanted to open my eyes and tell people to stop worrying about me, but I couldn't. I couldn't breathe; freaking out wasn't helping anything. I felt liquid on my face, but I couldn't move.

That's when I totally blacked out.

When I came to, the dingy lights of the club were gone. In their place was annoying brightness trying to creep under my eyelids. And there wsa a beeping. A shitty-ass beeping.

"I've always said that no good can come out of strip clubs."

"This has nothing to do with the strip club. I've seen him rubbing his chest for a couple weeks now."

"I think we need to pray again."

Again? Where was I the first time?

Brian led the prayer. I wanted to be a jackass, sit up, and scream "HE'S HEAAAALED!" like one of those televangelists, but I couldn't. I was just so tired...

The next time I regained consciousness, there was a dead quiet punctuated only by occasional cries. The crying was too soft to be one of the guys. I figured it was probably Rhoda. I sighed. It was nice of her to visit me, but it wasn't who I really wanted. Even so, my chest felt lighter, like someone had taken the bricks off of it. I felt a warm hand cover mine.

"You're going to be okay. You've got to be okay," the voice whispered. I felt soft lips on my forehead.

The voice wasn't Rhoda's. I knew that voice. I knew it."

"Lauren?" My voice came out sounding all jacked up. I heard a creak; I got another kiss on my forehead.

"I'm here. I came the minute I heard. Damnit, if you wanted me back here you didn't have to do this."

I slowly opened my eyes. Sitting right by my side, like an angel, was Razzo. Er, Lauren. She was smiling down at me; her lanky legs curved underneath her.

"What happened?" I asked dumbly. The light flickered in her eyes.

"Your heart wasn't pumping normal. You passed out."

"You broke my heart," I said morosely. I looked up at her with puppy eyes.

"Not quite."

Her hand pressed against my stomach. I almost freakin' passed out again when my heart started beating faster. Go lower, babe...

"It's your eating habits. Your weight. Smoking. Drinking. Drugs."

I winced. "You know about the drugs?"

She didn't move her hand from my stomach, but she leaned forward so her nose was almost touching mine.

"My camera doesn't miss a thing."

She had the prettiest eyes I'd ever seen. They reminded me of the St. Pauli beer girl. Her hair reminded me of the Sun Maid Raisin girl. She smelled like the nutmeg that I associated with the Starbucks girl.

She was like all my true loves wrapped up in one tall, sexy package.

"Nick?"

"Hmm?"

"Why is your hand on my boob?"

Ha, I hadn't even realized I reached out and touched someone - more specifically her. I gave the right one a gentle squeeze.

"It must be a postramatic stress reflex," I said seriously. She grabbed my hands and held them.

"I have my work cut out for me don't I?" she asked.

I eyed her hopefully. "Are you going to be my Razzo again, Lauren?"

She smiled. "I think I might give up the stalker life for awhile," she said. "I think I'll put my fitness background into good use."

Before I could ask what type of fitness training she meant, she leaned over. I was prepared for another forehead kiss, but this time I got lip-on-lip.

It was a miracle.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Well it's good to see all is right in the world again," Howie muttered as Nick picked mashed potato out of his spikey hair. Nick frowned and eyed his carrots. "Don't even think about it," D said in a warning tone.

My Monkey stuck her tongue out at him. Lauren covered his eyes. "Don't provoke him," she commanded.

"Yeah, don't provoke me," Nick added in a pouty voice.

"And you - eat your veggies instead of throwing them around at people."

"Yeah, Nick, eat your veggies," I chided.

"You too, McLean," Lauren demanded.

Nick looked at me. "I don't like having a nutritionist-slash-physical-trainer on tour anymore," he muttered.

"What was that?" Lauren asked, turning to look at him.

"He called you a fitness nazi," offered Lyndsey.

Lauren looked shocked, "You're evil."

"Who's evil?" Justin asked as he came in, carrying his camera, which was braced on his shoulder. He panned the room with the lens. "Wait. Let me guess." He zoomed the camera in on Nick.

"Ding, you just won one million dollars!" I cried.

Justin smirked, "I'll be waiting for the check."

Brian laughed, "Pay the man, Nicky."

"I don't pay in dollars, brother, I pay in kisses... Still want that million?"

"Uh no I'm good..." Justin laughed.

Lauren grabbed Nick's face. "I'll take the million..." And she promptly pressed their mouths together and pulled him closer.

"Okay I'm sick of all this damn PDA," Howie groaned.

"Just because some people only get to have sex when their women are ovulating..." I smirked. "Doesn't mean you get to deprive others."

It had been a week since Nick's incident at the strip club, and he'd been released by his doctor to continue the tour. We were eating dinner before the big show. The fans were already in the venue and we could hear the thundering sound of their chanting and the opening act playing. We'd shoved several long catering tables together to form a giant square and gathered around it. Howie, Leigh, Brian, Leighanne, Baylee, Nick, Lauren, me, Monkey, Rhoda, Justin, Lyndsey, Jenn, and some non-discript security dudes. It was like a messed up Thanksgiving of sorts. The whole family, all together.

I couldn't have been happier.

Nick looked sadly at the carrot on the end of his fork, then eyed me in a way to tell me that if Lauren wasn't sitting right there - and it would've meant no sex for him that night - he would've lobbed the carrot at me anyways, and shoved the thing into his mouth, making a face as he chewed it.

"Hey wait does this mean we can't make fatty jokes about Carter anymore?" I asked in a fake panicked voice.

"Hell YEAH thats what it means!" Nick shouted, suddenly excited, "Oh boy! This diet is worth it already!" He looked at Lauren eagerly. He grinned. "Can we have another work out right now?" he asked, smiling sweetly.

"You wanna go on the treadmill now?" Brian asked, incredulous, "We're about to go on stage. Isn't that work out enough for you?"

Nick looked stupified at Brian, then at Lauren, who smirked. "No c'mon you know what I was sayin..." he whimpered at her and she laughed and gently kissed his nose.

Justin checked his watch as the thunderous crowd started chanting (Backstreet Boys! Backstreet Boys! Backstreet Boys!). He laughed, "Well I better go set up..." he stood up, leaned over Rhoda.. and... and HE KISSED HER.

"WOAHHHHHH," Nick cried, "HOLLLLD UP!" Just about everyone (except me) looked at Nick with shocked or wondering eyes. Lauren raised an eyebrow... so did Justin. "Since the fuck when were you two a thing?" Nick asked, pointing Justin to Rhoda.

Rhoda turned red and smiled.

Justin stared at Nick, "Uh, since forever?"

My Monkey smirked, "What? You two didn't know Rhoda was engaged?"

"Rhoda's what?" I asked, my turn to be shocked.

"Engaged!" Rhoda grinned and held up her left hand. For the first time in all this fucking time, I noticed a diamond on her finger. I looked at Nick, whose jaw had hit the floor. All that fighting, I thought, and all that time she'd been freaking engaged?

Nick started laughing first, "Oh my God, I cheez-jizzed you for no fucking reason!"

Rhoda looked confused, "What?"

Rochelle laughed, "These two idiots have been killing each other all tour long trying to score with you," she said, tossing her thumb at me, then at Nick.

Rhoda laughed, "But they were so in love with you guys, it was so obvious they were, how is it possible they were after me?"

Ro shrugged. "They're horny bastards," she answered, kissing my cheek. Nick watched Ro kissing on me and looked at Lauren expectantly, puckering up his lips and she laughed and pecked him.

"Damn," Rhoda laughed.

"I'm full," Nick announced suddenly.

Lauren pointed at Nick's plate. "No sex if there's broccoli left over when you throw that away... Amazingly you weren't full until all the chicken was gone, only when there was a huge pile of broccoli there."

Nick pouted, "But it doesn't have cheese..."

I looked at Rochelle, "Do I not get Monkey sex unless I finish my broccoli too?"

"I'd say yes, but I know I'm gonna jump you the second we're alone anyway, so it would be more torture for me than it would be for you..." she laughed.

I growled under my breath and went for her neck.

"I'm so sick of PDA!" Howie cried.

Nick and I grinned.

Epilogue

"PDA-A-A! PDA-A-A!!!!"

The Cali crowd was going wild. I was sweating, dancing my ass off, and loving every minute of it. J was holding his own, but I could tell his knee was bothering the shit out of him.

It was amazing was losing fifty-seven pounds could do for a man. Not only could I breathe, but I had my sexy back.

The concert went by in a blur. As we ran off stage after the encore, I grabbed a towel and began my traditional sweat-sopping routine.

The giggle was what threw me off.

"Miss me?

I paused. The voice sounded familiar. Oh shit. Was it an old girlfriend? Lauren was going to kick some serious ass--"

I lowered the towel. Rhoda's Barbie-doll face was smiling right at me. I checked her out and gawked. AJ's mouth was already flapping.

It was just like old times. Except we weren't checking out her boobs. Or her ass.

"Does Justin know about this?" I asked.

She laughed and put her hands on a gigantic belly that was actually sticking out farther than her boobs. I didn't even think that was possible. It was like a scientific marvel.

Before I could say anything else stupid, Rochelle walked over with her hands on her hips and leaned into J to get him to stop looking like a demented clown.

"Justin told you guys months ago that he might have to leave suddenly if she went into labor. Where were you?"

"I'm going to go with monkey sex on the brain," AJ admitted.

"I was either eating beans or thinking about sex," I said. "Either way, I wasn't paying attention."

Rhoda and Rochelle shared a look. Lauren came over and wrapped her arms around my waist.

"So that's how I'll look in a few months," she said.

I think I almost passed out. "WHAT?!"

Howie walked by, holding onto James' little hands. He started to laugh. An evil Puerto Rican laugh.

"Sorry, D made me do it," Lauren said. AJ grinned. Now that they couldn't call me fat they had found other ways to freak me out. Marriage and kids ranked right at the top of the freak-out list.

"Well, congratulations," J said sweetly.

"Yeah, congratulations," I said, not to be outdone by the great bald-ini.

"Thanks," Rhoda said with a smile. "Um, is Justin around? I kind of need him."

"You're not going to pop anything out are you?" I asked warily.

I got a look from all the girls. I held up my hands.

"I'll go get him."

Lauren grabbed onto my arm before I made a complete exit. She looped her arm around me and kissed me, sweat and all.

"Good show," she whispered. Her lips curved into a perfect smile. I played with the tips of her hair.

"Thanks," I said.

There was no one that could make my heart beat like she could.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I stared at Rhoda's stomach while Nick - tailed by his shadow - Lauren - went to find Justin. I looked at Rochelle, who also was staring at her stomach, her eyes tearing up. "No," I said.

"Aw but, AyyyJayyyy," she whined, "It'll be just like with the pups..."

"What?!" I said, "How in the hell is a baby like a dog?" I demanded.

Rochelle smiled, "Your dogs? The way you treat your dogs there is no difference."

Rhoda laid a hand on her belly and closed her eyes, humming quietly, "I really hope he hurries with Justin..." she commented.

I looked at Rochelle. "Sweetie..." Rochelle asked quietly, "Are you going to - uh - as Nick so poetically worded it - pop something out?"

Rhoda suddenly grabbed my arm and squeezed -- HARD. "GOD DAMMIT!" I dropped to the floor like a wet paper sack. "I THINK THAT'D BE A YES!" I bellowed. Like my knee didn't smart before, it certainly did now that I'd cracked it on the cement floor of the backstage area. Rochelle's eyes widened.

Nick, Lauren and Justin came jogging back from the stage. Nick bounded a circle around us, making me want to pop his weasel, and he bounced from foot to foot, "I got him, I got Justin, Justin's here - She wants you, Justin! AJ why are you on the ground, what happened? Rhoda, are you okay you're all pale? And what the hell is on the ground here?!?" He looked down at the floor.

Justin blinked at the pool of gross on the floor... which I was kneeling in. "Jesus!" I cried, leaping up and prying my arm from Rhoda, who started to cry. I looked down at my jeans, which I was sooo gonna throw the fuck away.

"I think my water broke," Rhoda whispered. I'm not sure who looked more ready to pass out - Nick or Justin.

Rochelle took charge, as always. All she was lacking was her clipboard and the pencil she used to flick us in the heads with. "Okay. Justin, you sit here. Nick, go get a chair for Rhoda. And not a director's chair or a stool. A folding chair. Not metal. The padded kind."

"Chair. Folding. Not metal. Padded." Nick bolted away like a deer that was getting shot at.

"Lauren, call the hospital, have them send someone over here ASAP. There's no way in hell we're moving her out of the backstage area with all those fans outside without some help." Lauren ran after Nick. "And you -" Rochelle turned to me, "Kiss me you bastard."

I kissed her.

"Okay, now, go get Howie, Leigh, Brian and Leighanne and tell them what's going on. They have baby experience, they'll have better ideas than I do what to do next."

I nodded and started to go find my bandmates, but then she yelled, "And Alex?"

"Yes Monkey?"

She pointed at Rhoda. "We are so getting one of these, okay?"

I hesitated, looked at Justin's brilliantly excited face, and Rhoda's glowing sheen of sweat. I pictured Rochelle all round in the tum and sweating like that. I also pictured all the Monkey sex Howie got in preparation for James.

I could so handle fatherhood.

"Yes ma'am!" I shouted, saluted, and bolted to go find Howie.

Funny how quickly life changes... At the start of the Unbreakable tour, Nick and I were bachelors who were vying for playtime with Rhoda's breasts, wanting to maul them with our paws and mouths, and by the time we'd ended the This Is Us tour, we were both happily committed men - I was fucking engaged for crying out loud - and well, I'm sure Nick's proposal wasn't far off, despite his insistence that marriage scared the fuck out of him. I mean, he had a fucking heart attack basically last time Lauren left, I'm sure he's going to realize she's the one any day now. And now - NOW, I was seriously considering trying the whole daddy thing on for size.

Me... AJ fucking McLean... a father...

Okay. Now I'm scared.

THE END