In His Shoes by evergreenwriter83, Pengi
Summary:
Photobucket


From the collaborators that brought you Just One Kiss, here is the long-awaited companion piece that brings BROmantic to a WHOLE new level.

After accusing one another of having an easier go at life than the other, Howie and AJ experience a twist of fate that'll blow your mind! Will spending some time in each other's shoes make the boys more sympathetic, or just ruin their lives completely?

Categories: Fanfiction > Backstreet Boys Characters: AJ, Group, Howie
Genres: Drama, Dramedy
Warnings: None
Challenges:
Series: Out of Body Series
Chapters: 21 Completed: Yes Word count: 28807 Read: 32988 Published: 01/09/11 Updated: 02/19/11
Story Notes:
All portions of this story from AJ's POV were written by Pengi, all portions of this story from Howies POV were written by evergreenwriter83.

1. Chapter 1 by evergreenwriter83

2. Chapter 2 by evergreenwriter83

3. Chapter 3 by evergreenwriter83

4. Chapter 4 by evergreenwriter83

5. Chapter 5 by evergreenwriter83

6. Chapter 6 by evergreenwriter83

7. Chapter 7 by evergreenwriter83

8. Chapter 8 by evergreenwriter83

9. Chapter 9 by Pengi

10. Chapter 10 by evergreenwriter83

11. Chapter 11 by evergreenwriter83

12. Chapter 12 by Pengi

13. Chapter 13 by evergreenwriter83

14. Chapter 14 by evergreenwriter83

15. Chapter 15 by evergreenwriter83

16. Chapter 16 by evergreenwriter83

17. Chapter 17 by evergreenwriter83

18. Chapter 18 by evergreenwriter83

19. Chapter 19 by evergreenwriter83

20. Chapter 20 by evergreenwriter83

21. Epilogue by evergreenwriter83

Chapter 1 by evergreenwriter83
Chapter One

"Can you believe it's been a whole year?" Kevin said, shoving pork lo mein into his mouth with chopsticks.

Brian had his chopsticks shoved up his ginormous nostrils and was making google-eyes at Nick, who was Kevin's focal point and therefore could not laugh. Howie rolled his eyes. I started looking for my chopsticks to join in.

When I found them, Howie grabbed them from my hand and put them down on the otherside of his plate.

"One year ago today, Nick was braindead... and today..."

"He still is," I belched.

I got the Evil Brow from Kevin, a smirk from Brian and a "nuuh uhhhhhhhhh" from Nick.

"Today," Kevin continued, as though I hadn't interrupted him, "We have him here, healthy, strong, and well." He still talked slower than cold molasses trying to go up hill. Seriously, spill the beans, Kev.

Speaking of beans. I stretched across Howie, trying to get the spring rolls.

Don't ask me how that relates to beans, I don't really know.

Nick beamed as his girlfriend - Nurse Busty aka Becky - held up a crab ragoon to his mouth. "You know I love those racoons, baby," he muttered, nuzzling noses with her.

I'm pretty sure I was about to throw up. I pointed down my throat and made gagging noises in Howie direction to indicate this. "Will you grow up?" Howie demanded.

Grow up? Please - that was for... well, grown ups.

Kev picked up his microscopic thimble of tea and held it up. Brian's chopsticks fell out of his nose and hit the soup bowl in front of him. I called it Lick Balls Soup - that's what it tasted like. Not that I know what balls taste like. But if I did, I bet it would taste like that soup. Brian grinned sheepishly as Kevin eyeballed him suspiciously.

Nick afforded the opportunity to snicker and Nurse Busty rubbed the back of his neck as he giggled - well aimed so his eyeballs and nose were going down her boobs.

"I wanna giggle," I said. I looked at Howie. "Grow boobs so I can giggle in your cleavage."

Howie looked at me like I was mental.

I waved him off. Whatever.

Kevin cleared his throat and Becky scrambled to grab her tiny teacup, mashing her boobs further into Nick's face. He was probably hard enough that if he pulled his pants down his jimmyjoejohnso n could've held up that end of the table. I looked at Howie and nodded at them. Howie again rolled his eyes.

Dude what the hell?

"To Nick, our miracle member," Kevin said.

I almost choked at the words miracle member.

Brian knocked over his knee and grabbed some napkins. Nick grinned and held up his own tea, clinked it with Becky's, said, "To me! Yay!" and they twined hands and sipped each other's cups.

I looked at Howie. He was already guzzling his margarita.

I picked up my diet coke and held it up in the air and drank it, too late really for the toast, but not lame enough to just not toast - unlike Brian, who was trying to sop up the tea he spilled all over his pants. He looked like he peed himself. I turned to point that out to Howie, but Howie was already looking unamused at me, so I didn't say anything.

Instead I started entertaining myself by flicking grains of rice at Nick's ear. He waved a hand at his ear lobe each time, like there was a gnat that was aggrevating him, unaware that it was really pork fried rice, being pinged across the table top...

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


As Brian continued to dab at his spill, I glanced over at AJ. He was extremely jumpy tonight. He was always mouthy and irrational, but something about him seemed off.

I was extremely suspicious.

Even though I was on AJ alert, I was enjoying our meal. It was the first time in over six years that the five of us (and Rebekah) had gotten together for dinner. Kev had just finished another movie. We were headed out on tour again in mere days.

"A-hem. A-hem."

Nick bounced his knuckles against the table and stood up.

"I want to thank all of you for being here to celebrate this special day. I can't imagine a world without me."

"You wouldn't be around to imagine," AJ whispered under his breath. I jabbed him; he snickered. Bri tossed his napkin, giving up on the wetspot.

"Before we have dessert, I have something special I need to do."

His voice was shaking. I glanced around the table and met Kev's eye. Even though he didn't say a word, I could tell what he was thinking.

Is he REALLY going to do this?

Becky smiled up at Nick. He turned to her. He did a backwards hand stretch; Bri hurriedly put a box in his palm.

"Becky, this past year has been the best year of my life. I truly believe I survived because God wanted me to be with you."

"Nick..." Becky whispered softly. Nick wiped his forehead with his free hand.

"That's why, tonight..."

"Sweet chizz, is he doing what I think he's doing?" AJ said. Kev and I gave him a dirty look. He slumped down and played with his own wedding band.

"Rebekah Lynn Wilson will you marry me?"

Nick quickly swung the box around and sank to his knee. Becky's eyes widened. She covered her mouth.

A full minute passed. It was like the scene was frozen. Becky looked like she was going to pass out; Nick looked like he was going to pee his pants.

"Well?" he croaked.

"What?" Becky asked.

"They're a match made in heaven," AJ whispered.

"Will you marry me?" Nick repeated. Becky quickly nodded.

"Yessss!"

"YES!"

The second yes came from Brian. He jumped up and hugged Nick before he could even get the ring on Becky's finger.

"You're the LAST one!" he squealed.

"Bri, let him get the ring on!" I called out.

It was a sweet scene and one I never thought I would see. Nick slipped the ring on and they began to make out right at the table. AJ wolf whistled.

God, I missed Leigh. I kept reminding myself it was only a couple more days, but it was still hard.

While I was thinking about my beautiful wife, Kev was making a toast that no one was listening to, Brian was on his phone most likely chirping the good news, and AJ had disappeared from the table.

I'm not the curious type, but I felt the need to discover AJ's whereabouts.

"Congratulations Nick," I said. He didn't hear me; his hands were down the back of Becky's jeans. "Excuse me a moment."

I scooted back in my chair, took one last sip from my cup and headed in the direction of the bathroom.

With any luck, all I would find was one very tattoo'ed man standing sentry at a urinal humming to himself.

Why humming?

Unknown McLean Fact #1: AJ has to hum while he pees.
Chapter 2 by evergreenwriter83
Chapter Two

I was in the bathroom, humming and trying to draw with my pee on the inside wall of the urinal like a kid with a sparkler on the 4th of July. "Whee," I hummed, "Whee..."

Suddenly the door busted open and Howie was standing behind me, hovering like some kind of fierce cat. I blinked in the mirror at him and lowered my sunglasses with one hand, holding myself up with the other. "Dude," I said, "Do ya mind? I'm trying to take a whizz."

"What are you on?" Howie demanded.

I looked down. "A tile floor."

He glared.

"Earth."

"ALEXANDER JAMES MC--"

Brian ran into the bathroom and into a stall. A moment later the sounds of retching were echoing through the room. I raised my eyebrow.

Howie sighed. "Brian?"

Now that D was distracted, I finished up my bid'nizz and tucked myself in my shorts. I started to head for the exit. "Seriously, J," D said, "What're you on? You're acting like a total --"

And at that moment, Kevin came in, followed closely by Nick.

"Jesus," I said, watching the other two guys go whipping by, "What the shit did they all eat?"

Howie sighed. "You're jumpy. What's going on?"

I twisted my fingers and made my wedding band spin. "Nothing."

"You're doing that weird twitchy gotta-keep-moving-gotta-keep-talking crap that you always used to when you were buzzed to high heaven," Howie said, eyeing me.

"Seriously, D," I snapped, "I'm not on shit. I'm just --"

Brian came out of the stall he'd gone into, pale. "What're you guys fightin about?" he gurgled, as he hovered over the sinks and turned the water on.

"Howie's accusing me of being high."

Brian was splashing water in his face and didn't really hear me. Howie and I were facing off. Brian came over, "That's too bad," he muttered, "Hey, don't eat the egg foo yong." He staggered out the door.

"I didn't accuse you --" Howie started, but then Kevin came out.

"I swear to God it's the rotating doors of HELL!" I yelled.

Kevin eyed me. "What's going on?" he asked.

"Nothing," Howie and I both said in unison.

Kevin's radar instantly shot sky-high. Kevin may be old, but he's not stupid, and it's very hard to sneak shit by him. He knew every trick in the book and then some. Nick and I used to have to make up our own tricks to get off the bus at night when Kevin toured with us. I smiled sweetly. Kevin came closer, and really eyeballed us.

"Dude you smell like throw-up," I muttered.

Kevin hesitated. He hated the idea of smelling. He inched away, glancing over his shoulder at us as he went back to the sink to wash up. I looked back at Howie.

"What are you doing?" he hissed.

"I was TRYING to take a pi--"

"HEY GUYS!" Nick flung his arms around our shoulders. "Isn't life great with me here?"

"Splendid," Howie muttered.

Nick grinned. "Can you believe I'm engaged?" he asked.

"Will wonders never cease?" I asked.

Kevin came up behind us. "It is rather amazing," he said, rubbing Nick's shoulders.

Nick beamed. "And it's allll thanks to you - and you going all crazy and shit last year." Nick patted Kevin's head. "Thanks again for that, by the way. Being psycho and stuff." He grinned.

Kevin glowered.

"Right then," I tried to tug away.

Nick's grip tightened on my shoulder. "Yo, McLean," he muttered, "Can we conference a sec?"

I looked at Howie. "Yes," I said, "That's definitely a yes." Maybe the Latin One would get bored and go back to the table. He put his hands on his hips and tapped his foot.

Why the shit can he tell when stuff is bugging me anyways? Why is he equipped with a 6th sense?

Nick yanked me aside. "Dude, do you have protection?" he hissed.

I blinked at him. "Why? Is someone packin' heat?"

Nick nodded, "Yeah. Me." He tapped his crotch.

"Dude you smell like acid hurl you seriously think she's gonna boink you?" I demanded, pulling my wallet out.

Nick rolled his eyes, "Dude I dropped like twenty K's on a friggin ROCK that sparkles, I better get some boinking or I seriously deserve a refund."

I tugged the condom out of my wallet and shoved it at Nick. "Here. It's old. May it still be strong."

"Old?" Nick laughed, "Why? You not had to replace it in awhile, Mr. Married Man?" he nudged me and winked.

"Shut the fuck up," I snapped. What would you know about being married? You're just an asshole with a nurse with a ring on her finger.

Nick grinned and jogged out of the bathroom. "Hey," he called just before the door slammed, "Don't eat the chicken fingers!"

I took a deep breath and turned to face Howie, my finger spinning my ring.

"What's going on?" Howie asked again, level.

I glowered at him.

"Something with you and Ro?" he asked, "I couldn't help over hearing the old condom comment...."

I did SO NOT want to talk about it.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


"First off," AJ said. His face was getting red like it always did when he was uncomfortable. "I'm clean. I didn't spend three fuckin' months in rehab before my wedding getting clean to fall off the wagon. At least not so quickly."

I rolled my eyes. His whole life was one big wave. Up. Down. Up. Down.

"Second of all, the condom is old 'cause Ro got it in her head she wants to bring a child into this world. I currently feel like a damn gerbil. Or guinea pig. Or hamster. Oh fuck, I just feel like a humpin' rodent."

If they could have, I'm sure my eyes would have rolled in a complete circle. I grinned.

"No, way."

AJ scowled. He twirled his wedding band again. "Yes way."

"So?"

"So what?"

"So...how's it going? Did you get one past 'de goalie yet?" I asked. That was my famous analogy. I myself had already gotten one past. It was hard to believe James was almost three.

"No. And I don't want to talk about it."

The tone of his voice was screaming 'fuck off.' I had never known AJ not to want to talk about sex before. I sensed there was trouble in paradise. Or a little farther south than that.

"Something wrong with the plumbing?" I asked.

J's face grew redder still. "Plumbing? You seriously did not just call my junk plumbing."

"It's better than calling it junk!"

"What's junk?"

I smacked my forehead and smothered another angry outburst. Brian was back, looking green around the edges. AJ took the opportunity to make a beeline for the door.

"This damn tainted food!"

Bri belched. "He's got a point." At that, he covered his mouth and ran back into the stall. I followed J out and grabbed his arm.

"Hey, where are you going?"

"What is this? Twenty questions tonight?"

"You know, I can give you some advice," I said. "I mean, I've been there before. If you need pointers or--"

AJ snorted. "Pointers? From you? No offense, but I've had way more pussy than you."

Ouch. That hurt. I knew it was true (how Nick or AJ had never gotten a disease was beyond me), but it still was an ego bruiser. "It's not quantity it's quality!" I said hotly.

J laughed. "That's what you guys always say."

"You guys? What kind of guy am I?"

AJ seemed to realize how insulting that was. He put a hand on my shoulder. "Listen D. You're responsible, you've got the wife, the kid, the pretty house. You're like a Latino Father Knows Best. Life's easy for you. If you could walk a day in my shoes, you'd realize why I'm so fuckin' crazy right now."

"'scuse me?" I said. "You think my life is easy? Are you joking? My life is way more hectic than yours. Your problem is that you can't handle the tiniest bit of stress."

The hand on my shoulder dropped. AJ stepped closer. Our noses were practically touching.

"What the HELL is that supposed to mean?"

"What's going on here?"

I heard Kevin's voice, but I never actually saw him. A fist came flying at my face and I dove to the ground before it could connect with my perfect skin. I was a lover not a fighter. Kev started yelling, AJ lost it, and suddenly I felt like time had rewound ten years.

Unknown McLean Fact #2: AJ's hit all of us but Kevin at least once. He's lucky we love him.
Chapter 3 by evergreenwriter83
Damn Kevin and his damn logic.

"You punched him out, you bring him to the hospital."

And just like that, I found myself sitting in a teeny tiny room at the ER while a nurse affixed Howie's nose with gauze. "At least we get a percentage off the rate, right?" I joked, nudging Howie, "Since we're in with one of them?" I was referring to Becky.

"Shut up," Howie snapped.

"Just trying to lighten the mood," I replied in a sing-song voice.

"You should've tried doing that before you decked me out cold."

I shrugged, "It didn't seem important then."

"Don't you have something else to do?" Howie asked, rolling his eyes, "Anything else?"

"Well I did see a restroom back there..." I grinned, "I could walk the hounds..."

"Might as well, your shoot blanks anyways," D mumbled.

We both froze. "Look mouthy," I snapped, "You don't know the crap I go through everyday. Don't think I forgot what a dickhead you were at the restaurant, just 'cos I'm being all nice to you now, trying to make you feel better --"

"YOU HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM," Howie bellowed, "Maybe you shoot blanks because you're a coward and you don't dare to have kids!"

"YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT ME!" I stood up. I was ready to deck Howie again. Right into next Tuesday.

Funny, cos me and D usually get along. We're like the cooler, better looking version of Nick and Brian.

Ok, so cooler anyways.

Suddenly Nurse Hatchet appeared. "Fighting?" She tskked at us. "That's not good boys."

Howie was panting like a bull.

"Huh? Fight? Me and Howie? Never," I said, "Howie's life is too fucking perfect to ever have a fight in it."

"And AJ's too damn scared to ever fight me anyways," Howie added.

The nurse looked between the two of us. "Ohhh, you boys have a lot to learn I see!"

"Yeah I need lessons how to be as fucking AMAZING and WONDERFUL as Howard the Great is," I said sarcastically.

"Oh no no, I'm too scared to learn anything!" Howie whimpered.

The nurse nodded. "Yes, yes I think it's time to teach you a lesson." She went to the door and closed it carefully, then drew the curtains around Howie's bed.

"D," I hissed, "I think she thinks we're gonna gang bang her."

"Well, if that's the case, make sure you only get one condom, miss, cos this one here can't send the sailors out to sea anyways if you know what I mean."

"You fucking basta--"

But I never got the rest of the sentence out.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


It felt like a burst of cold air raining down over me. I felt weightless, almost as if I didn't exist.

When that feeling subsided, I was sure that I had been hit harder than I had realized. The nose that AJ had hit must have been shoved up into the brain causing mass hallucinations .

Why, you ask?

Because I was staring at myself.

"What in the monkey-humping catshit hell's going on?"

It was impossible that those words had come out of my mouth, but I had just witnessed my mouth moving. I stared down. My arms were covered in tattoos. Familiar tattoos.

AJ's tattoos.

"What did you do?!" I screamed. The voice was unmistakably J's.

"Me? I didn't do--"

He, er I stopped and hopped off the bed. I, er AJ followed. We both stared in the mirror.

The face staring back at me was not my own. Bald head, check. Facial scruff, check. Neck tattoos, check.

My own hands wrapped around AJ's shirt. I could see my nose turning purple.

"This isn't funny!" my own voice screamed at me.

"The nurse said you're ready for discharge."

We both turned around. A girl was waving my chart. I walked forward and tried to take it. She held it up.

"The patient needs to sign."

I was about three seconds away from fainting. I fell into the chair and threw my (er, AJ's) head down between my legs.

"Sir?"

It was no use. The sight of AJ's crotch staring back at me was the last straw. The world faded to black.

When I woke up, I was sure it had all been a bad dream. I started to laugh.

"What's so funny, baby?"

A floral arm shot out and brushed my forehead. I looked up in horror.

Rochelle smiled down at me.

"Don't touch me!" I screeched. I grabbed at the blanket that was covering me.

"What the hell's wrong with you?" Rochelle asked heatedly.

Before I could answer, the door flew open. Howie (damnit!), I mean AJ, ran in.

"Don't touch him!" he yelled.

"Would someone explain what's going on here?!" she yelled. "What's wrong with your nose?"

"I hit Howie," AJ said.

"You hit yourself?"

J looked at me. I looked back.

"Could we have a minute?" I asked. Rochelle kissed my cheek. I struggled not to wince. AJ's (well, my) hand clenched into a fist. She brushed past him without a thought.

"Touch her again, you die," AJ hissed. It was weird hearing a threat coming from my voice. I was feeling scared and admittedly a little angry.

"Well maybe I can get the job done for you," I said coldly. AJ's eyes widened.

With a great leap, I saw my body fly at the bed.

Unknown McLean Fact #3: AJ's extremely ticklish under the arms. If you ever want to hear him scream like a girl, try it.
Chapter 4 by evergreenwriter83
Chapter Four

"OK. We gotta figure this out. Calmly. Like grown ups." I stared at myself - Howie, in my body - pacing back and forth. "This is, after all, impossible, and cannot be happening. One of the two of us is asleep." I - Howie, I mean - looked at me. Who looked like Howie. But was me. "It's gotta be you."

"Me-me or you-me?" I asked, "Or Me-you? Wait. Who's asleep?"

Howie - er, me? - reached over and pinched me - er, Howie? - in the arm.

"FUCK DAMMIT HELL FIRE!" I screamed.

"Don't swear like that in my body," Howie demanded, "My son might hear you and emulate you."

"Well then if I can't cuss you can't use fancy words. What the fuck is that? Emulate? Jesus, D, seriously? What is that? Like some kind of fancy word for master--"

"AJ can I come back in yet, sweetie?" Rochelle called through the door.

"Not yet Monkee-poodle-pie!" I called without thinking. In Howie's voice.

"Um... Okay..." I heard RoRo's heels clicking on the hallway.

"Look at it this way, AJ, she won't wanna have sex with you for awhile once she finds out you've got insane and dreamt all this crap." Howie said, "Now wake up so I can go back to the hotel and play darts with your picture."

"I'm not sleeping, you dildo," I growled. "Pinch your own damn self."

"What did I just say about the swearing?" Howie demanded.

"I'm sorry, do you see Baby James in this damn room? No? Then I'm not swearing anywhere where the tater tot can hear me, am I? How the shit is he supposed to emulate me if I'm no where near him?"

Howie glowered at me with my own eyes.

"Fine then I'll say a bunch of long words and people will think you're smart and you'll have to give up the stupid act."

"Nick is the one with the stupid act," I snapped.

"Oh yeah, yours just comes naturally, I forgot."

If he wasn't in my body, I would've beaten the shit out of him, but as it was I was a little scared to do so because I'd probably morph back and have to suffer the pain. Or worse, he'd retaliate. My body could so beat the crap out of D's body.

We stood there staring at each other.

"AJ," Rochelle called again, this time just coming into the room, "Monkee-Bunz, they wanna send you home, they say you're fine." Ro walked right by me and wrapped herself around my body. I felt sick.

Howie, in my body, grinned back at me. "Wakey, wakey," he muttered to me.

I closed my eyes. For the love of duct tape, handcuffs and condoms, wake up McLean! I demanded. Rochelle grabbed my/Howie's hand and pulled him toward the door. Howie's eyes widened. "Dude, seriously," he hissed, "Wake up man!"

Then I had a trippy thought.

What if I was Howie and I was delusional? I mean after all I'd have to be to think I'm not perfect right? So I closed my eyes and thought, WAKE UP DOROUGH!

But still nothing happened.

My mind buzzed. I needed more time witH Howie. We had to figure this out. Better, Howie couldn't go home. He couldn't. "WAIT!" I wailed.

Howie/Me and Ro looked at me like I'd gone nuts. Howie rarely has outbursts for no apparently reason.

"Wait, I need a - a place," I stammered, "A place to - to - to stay. Yeah, cos I'm Howie. That makes sense... Dude, Ro," I said, thinking fast, "I need to go home with you guys."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


I watched my own face flood in a wash of desperation. Ro looked at me/AJ and then back at Howie/me.

"What happened to your hotel room?"

"It--" I stopped. For the first time ever, I hated hearing AJ's voice. I wanted to hear my voice. "There was a screw-up and they gave it away."

Howie (damnit, AJ!) nodded.

"Okay, well, sure, come on. I think it's the least we can do since my husband here almost broke your nose."

She pressed up against me. "My strong monkee-wonkey."

I glanced over at AJ. My body was making furious hand motions towards the door.

"Let's go!" I blurted. Ro stepped back looking disappointed. "I...I..."

"You know how your husband hates hospitals," J said with my voice. Ro stroked my hand.

"Of course. Let's go."

The ride back to J's place was uncomfortable; I endured the whole ride with a knee slammed in my back. Of course, I couldn't blame him. Ro drove with one hand. The other hand she put on my leg. Every time it would go higher, I would squirm and a foot would slam right into my back. After about the fourth time, I yelped.

"What's wrong?" Ro asked.

"Leg cramp," I lied.

For the remainder of the drive, I hunched over working on the cramp that didn't exist. Ro parked and smacked the wheel. I looked at her in surprise.

"D, I totally forgot. Where's your luggage?"

"My luggage?" I asked.

"Why would you have luggage monkee-wobbles?" She turned at stared into the backseat. I coughed loudly.

"Yeah, HOWIE, where is your LUGGAGE?"

"Luggage? Uh---it's at the hotel. I'll have someone send it over."

Ten minutes later, I was sitting in J's condo watching my bodily self call the hotel and request my luggage to be sent over. Ro was in the kitchen. J hung up and looked at me.

"It's sent," he whispered. He held out my arm. I'm sure he wasn't used to actually seeing skin tone.

"How did this happen?" he whispered.

"I don't know," I said. "But you better fix it."

"What makes you think this is my fault?"

"This whole thing has been your fault."

It was weird to see my own eyes narrow. "You were the one that wouldn't leave well enough alone, nosy."

"You're the frickin' drama queen. Just because you--"

"Hey D, you want a drink?"

We both jumped at the sound of Ro's voice. Ro stood in the doorway holding a wine bottle.

I'll be the first to admit I love a good drink, but as with everything in my life, I use in moderation.

AJ...well...just the sight of the bottle caused a burning desire in the bottom of my stomach that almost made me want to scream. I stared at the bottle hungrily. My mouth went dry; the only thing that could possible quench me was what was that alcohol.

"I'd love some," AJ/Howie said.

My eyes widened. Ro turned to go get a glass.

"What are you doing?"

"You don't have a problem. I'm going to enjoy a fuckin' glass of wine." He leaned forward; his smile was tense.

"Did you feel it?"

I shifted my gaze. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"The desire. The struggle. The pain."

I scowled. I was beginning to sweat. I didn't know why. AJ didn't even have any hair. Why did he need to sweat?

"Here you go," Ro said cheerfully. She handed bodily-Howie a glass and sat down beside me. She gave me a wink before downing her entire drink in one gulp.

"For good luck," she whispered in my ear. She set the glass down and I felt her fingers under my armpit. I couldn't keep the loud shriek from escaping from my mouth. Ro giggled and threw herself at me.

"WHOOPS!" my voice said loudly. Ro's fingers were inches from my crotch. She sat back up and looked over at the growing red spot spreading on the white carpet.

"CRAP!" she yelled. She bounced up and headed in the kitchen. I slumped back in relief.

"Touch her, you die," AJ whispered.

"Then you find a way to keep her off me!"

We death stared each other.

Unknown McLean Fact #4: For someone who always shields his eyes, AJ is the master at staring contests.
Chapter 5 by evergreenwriter83
Chapter Five

"I can't believe this," my voice was muttering. Pillows thumped against the wall. I sat on a chair and rubbed my eyes. "This is all your fault."

"Again with the blaming me," I snapped, Howie's voice echoing out of my mouth, "What the fuck is the matter with me that it's my fault all the damn time?"

"I told you not to swear in my body," he snarled.

I had lost the staring contest by a mile. I don't even remember the last time I lost a staring contest. I guess it's because I was in the freakin' 'Rican's body. Howie's always been CRAP at staring contests -- he winks waaay too fucking much. But I would've lost even in my own body because Rochelle had come back half way through it to clean up the wine and after she'd gotten the beige carpets almost back to normal, she'd turned to Howie - who she thought was me - and pressed her bright red lips to his neck. "Why don't we all say goodnight now?" she said in a husky-sexy voice - the one that she used to ask for sex.

Oh. Fucking. Hell. No.

My - er Howie's - eyes had grown WIDE as Ro's hand slowly snaked down his back to his ass and --

"NO!" I bellowed, Howie's voice filling the silence of the room. Rochelle jumped about ten feet into the air. "I mean... no.. NO! You can't - you gotta - I need -" I stammered. She stared at me. So did my eyes - which were currently Howie's eyes. "I need Ho-- AJ... to.. to st- stay with me!" I gasped.

Rochelle stared at me.

"What?" she asked.

"Yeah, what?" he asked.

"I need AJ," I said, my mind racing, "I - I -" Why the FUCK would Howie need me? I wondered. "I need AJ because - because I-" I shot a glance around the room. A mirror caught my attention and the glint of Howie's wedding band on my fingers inspired me. "I HAD A FIGHT WITH LEIGH!" I cried.

"A fight with Leigh?" Ro looked concerned, "Whatsa matter?" she asked.

AJ/Howie smacked his forehead with his palm.

"I - I don't wanna talk about it," I said, "I just - need - I need some - some -" I thought about what Ro always asked for when she was sad. "Cuddle time."

Silence fell heavy over the three of us. We stood there. Ro blinked rapidly. "Cuddle time," she repeated quietly... slowly. "Cuddle time. Cuddle time?"

Each time she said the words, it sounded more pathetic.

"I think D means - er - man... man time, yeah."

Rochelle's eyebrows nearly went through the roof and an amused smile crossed her face. "Okay, you guys, go have your wild man love in the basement, I'll be in bed." She pulled away and started up the stairs.

"ITS NOT WILD MANLOVE!" my voice cried. Howie looked at me, eyes flashing.

"Yeah! We're not like... Bert and Ernie!"

"Good night, ladies!" Ro called back down.

And that's how we'd ended up together in the basement on the hideabed.

"This," Howie said, panning my hand across the basement room, "Is your fault."

"HOW IS IT MY FAULT?!" I cried.

"Okay Cuddle McCuddledoodle," Howie cried, "I'm pretty sure wild manlove was your fault."

"She said the wild manlove thing," I snapped.

Howie grumbled something in Spanish - which sounded very weird rolling off my tongue, by the way - and crawled into the bed and pulled the blankets up to his chin and pretended to be asleep.

I sighed. I was exhausted, too, and there was really not much else to say or do about it all tonight. Maybe one of us would wake up and it would be all better by morning. I crawled into the opposite side of the hideabed, making sure there was a crapton of space between me and D, and also pulled the blankets up to my chin and fell asleep.

I woke up with an arm around my neck. "Hmmm," I mumbled.

Then I felt a mouth on my ear.

Not Rochelle's mouth.

I sat up, fast. My body went flying. "AH!" Howie - in my body - landed on the carpet on the other side of the bed with a loud thump. "What the --"

"YOU WERE KISSING MY EAR!" I bellowed.

"Shit."

"What is wrong with you man?" I screamed.

"That's okay, look at you - you've got a friggin hard on!" he yelled, pointing at my - er, Howie's - crotch.

I looked down. Howard Junior was standing at attention. "In your sick, twisted, perverted body!" I retorted.

"You're the one that wanted to cuddle," he replied.

"I was trying to get Ro off you! Which THANK ME, by the way!"

Howie snorted and, instead of thanking me, he started making the bed.

I stood there, watching him. I glanced towards the bathroom door. "D..." I mumbled.

"What?" he snapped.

"I uh..." I nodded at the door.

"What?" he asked.

"I gotta pee."

We stared at each other, the implications of that statement sinking in slowly.

"Hold it," he said.

"Dude, if I hold it much longer, your fucking kidneys are going to explode."

Howie stared at me. "I don't want you ... playing with my... my stuff."

"I don't wanna play with your stuff," I snapped, "I wanna take a whiz!"

Howie turned red. "I don't- I don't want you- seeing it."

"Why?" I snorted, "Is it incredibly tiny?" I headed for the bathroom. A glance over my shoulder proved that Howie's face was redder than a tomato. I waltzed in and unzipped and whipped out the junk. I almost choked.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


It wasn't like we had never seen each other naked. I mean, it was no secret that BSB had to shower together. But having to see and touch morning wood? Yeah, this was bad

I hadn't wanted to admit it, but I felt like AJ's kidney's were going to burst. I knew how much AJ overdramatized his own situations, but this was...this was bad. I was sure that years of drinking had weakened his own kidneys. My kidneys were fine. I had super kidneys.

Unable to stand the thought of AJ playing with my junk right in the next room, I scrambled out of bed and headed to the upstairs bathroom, putting some distance between us. I closed the bathroom door behind me. There was no time for contemplation. I stared straight ahead and whipped it out.

Of course, there wasn't as much to whip out as I normally dealt with on a daily basis. I struggled to not look down to check it out. I was also trying to use just my fingertips. I knew this was a recipe for disaster, but I had a hunch AJ was probably a messy pee-er anyhow.

When I was done, I washed my hands under scalding water, lest I get some Jizzle germs on me when this nightmare finally ended. I looked in the mirror and sighed. AJ's face sighed back at me.

I thought I had been pretty quiet moving around in the bathroom. I guess I must have closed the door on entry a little too loudly. I had just stepped into the hall when her voice called out.

"AJ?"

I smacked my forehead. The voice was coming from down the hall. The door was partially open.

"What?" I called out.

"C'mere!"

I had two options. The first would require me running far, far away and living my days as a freak in the circus. It held promise, but the thought of never seeing Leigh and James again kept me from doing that. The second required me just poking my head in and seeing what she wanted. I walked towards the half-open door and poked my head in.

She was waiting for me behind the door. The second I poked in, she jumped on my back. I yelped and stumbled into the room, her laugh husky in my ear.

Ro was strong; stronger than J. My stagger landed me face first in the bed. Ro scrambled off my back, smacked my ass, and flipped me over.

I almost choked. She was dressed in a tiny leather bra and thong set. Her lips were bright red...and her eyes meant business.

"You've been a bad boy to keep me waiting," she said in a sing-song voice. I eye'd the door. She walked backwards and closed the door. My heart sank as she flipped the lock.

"My silly monkee's playing hard to get?" she asked.

"Uh--uh---"

The Rochelle I knew was sweet and a little overly syrupy with AJ. This Rochelle looked like she was taking no prisoners. She pranced back over at me and grabbed the waistband of my boxers. Before I could move, her hand shot down.

I jumped.

This was bad. This was like when you watched porn with other guys. You knew what you were seeing on the screen was hot, but you had to keep it down. It was guy code. I tried to think of unsexy things as she played in my pants. I thought about my grandma (God bless her soul), those ugly hairless dogs, and--"

"Ay Dios Mio!" I cried as her head lowered.

Obviously, AJ didn't often cry out in Spanish. She paused. I averted my eyes, even though my blood didn't seem to be pumping southward like I had feared. I didn't want to see or experience a McLean salute.

"Did you just say 'Oh My God' in Spanish?"

"Umm---" My mind went blank. She growled (yes, growled).

"That's so hot."

Oh my God.

Unknown McLean Fact #5: AJ's Spanish sucks. He obviously needs to work on it. It's an instant turn-on.
Chapter 6 by evergreenwriter83
Chapter Six

"Hooowwie?" I called, poking my head out the bathroom door and inching into the basement room. "Howie..." I looked around. No Howie. I sighed. I grabbed a pair of jeans out of Howie's trunk and dug until I found a shirt that didn't completely disgust me, and tugged the clothes on before heading up the stairs.

I don't know what I was expecting, but when I got upstairs and the kitchen was void of life... I sighed and sat down, feeling kind of rejected. I looked around the room at everything, wondering where my Monkee and D were.

Then I heard it.

"GIVE ME YOUR LOVE, MONKEE!!!"

My eyes widened. "HOOOOOOOOWIE!?" I yelled. I bolted for the stairs and took'em two at a time. I heard my own voice squealing from the bedroom.

"RO! Seriously!! RO!!"

"You're sooo naughty playing hard-to-get! Make me pregnant, baby!"

I busted in the door and found Rochelle hovering over my body in a tight-tight-tight leather lingerie set and tall leather boots as red as her lips. I froze, my eyes taking in every square inch of her. "Oh my holy shit," I murmured.

She looked up, a horrified expression on her face.

"Oh thank God," my voice gasped.

I'd never been so fucking turned on in my life. I stared at Rochelle, Warrior Princess, and wanted to run across the room and hump the shit out of her.

Howie, in my body, squeezed out from underneath her and crawled across the room where my far-flung pants were.

Rochelle grabbed a robe, her face red. "What the hell are you doing, Howie?"

And that's when I remembered. I wasn't having an out-of-the-body-experience because the sex was just that mind-blowingly amazing... I was literally out-of-my-body and in Howie's body.

Therefore the hardon my wife was giving me was AWKWARD as all hell.

I shielded my eyes, though obviously highly delayed, and cried, "Oh my God you guys, you have a guest."

Howie, in my body, streaked out of the room, pulling on pants, while Rochelle cinched her robe.

"I'd apologize except it is my house, and I should be able to have sex in it..." she turned the lamp off. "I'm taking a shower." She moved into the bathroom joined onto our bedroom and closed the door.

I fell backwards into the hall, clutching Howie's chest and gasping. "Oh my holy mother of a goldfish," I gasped.

"She was out for business that time," my voice said. I turned and looked at me-slash- Howie. "Damn she wants babies bad, huh?"

I froze.

I felt my throat close up.

"Yeah," I muttered, "She does."

Howie paused. He came closer. "AJ," he whispered. He paused again. He looked down. His pants were perfectly flat. "Why?"

"The antidepressants I'm on," I mumbled, "The ones the rehab gave me. They... take away the... the excitement of the moment, so to speak."

He gnawed his lip. "Have you guys been tested? To see if you're... having other problems?"

"We've been trying for a year, Howie," I grunted. I started down the stairs, pushing by him. "I'm just a fucking failure... all she wants is a family, and I can't even give her that."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


AJ started huffing down the stairs. I caught up to him and grabbed his (well, my arm). "Wait a second," I said. He glared at me impatiently. I took the silence as an invitation to continue.

"At least you know the problem. You know now what you need to do," I said. "You need to stop the anti-depressants."

There was a heated friction between the two of us. Suddenly, AJ put my hand to my forehead and swooned. "Oh my fuckin' gawd, why didn't I think of that? You're a goddamn genius!" He stopped swooning and gave me a deadpan stare. "I can't stop taking them."

"Why?"

"Do you know how much you sound like Nick right now? I can't stop taking them because without them I'm clinically depressed."

"It's okay to cry. Real men cry. I cry."

"You don't cry. You wink," AJ argued.

"I cry all the time," I retorted.

"You wink and you sleep. That's all you do."

I snorted. "That's all I do? That's rich. That's--"

"Listen, Mr. Sunshine and Roses. You wanted to know all my deep dark secrets and now you do. I'm useless."

AJ's pathetic attitude was irking me to know end. "You're not useless. You said you've been trying a year?"

J didn't look like he wanted to answer, but finally he nodded.

"Do you remember the past year? You were drinking like a fish that had flopped out of his waterbowl."

"At least I was horny."

I rolled my eyes. "Contrary to popular belief, getting smashed does not equal performance."

"Well it's better than--"

I cut him off. "Then you went and did the outpatient rehab. Now you're working on keeping sober. I think that might just be a little bit of the issue right there."

I watched my own lips curve into a smile. A sardonic one, but still a smile. "Is Howie D. admitting my life is rougher than his own?"

I instantly shook my (well, J's) head. "Hell no. I have a helluva lot more going on. Maybe I just handle it better."

"Fuck off."

J turned to go back down the stairs, but once more I grabbed his arm. "Wait."

He kicked the stair with the toe of my shoe. My brand new designer shoe. I bit my (well, J's) tongue so hard that I winced. He didn't acquisence, but I continued on anyhow.

"Listen, maybe this is a golden opportunity," I said.

"What are you talking about?" J asked slowly. He glanced down at his crotch. "Don't even think about touching that for anything but---"

"NO!" I said loudly. I shut my mouth; if Ro was done with her shower she was going to think we'd gone nuts.

Or maybe she already had.

"No," I said in a normal voice. "That's gross."

I didn't add the size difference thing either. J had probably already melted of jealousy. His (well, my) eyes narrowed and looked past my shoulder.

"And you're not touching my wife."

"No, I don't plan on it. But she better not come after me with whips or anything weird.

AJ didn't looked so sure. I wasn't sure if he didn't believe me or if he wasn't sure Ro wouldn't come after me with a whip.

"Anyhow," I continued. "What I mean is that I can stop taking the antidepressants for you. I haven't taken any since the switch have I?"

"No, but that's because I take them in the morning. Like now."

I decided to do a very AJ-like thing at that moment. I held up his middle finger. "Well, screw the pills."

J shook his head. "You better not screw up my body," he warned. "I want it back in one piece."

"And I want MINE back in one piece," I stressed. J grinned.

"Since your body is in working order, it's going to be hard once Leigh gets here. Literally."

And he winked.

Maybe it was because I had been in AJ's body far too long already, but I lunged at him.

"You touch her you--" And I started rambling in Spanish. It wasn't something I did often with the guys, but Leigh and I loved to banter back and forth. Everything sounded dirtier in Spanish.

J ducked away from me and let out a maniacal laugh. The thought of him with Leigh made me sick. Kinda like the thought of me with Rochelle made him sick.

"Speak of the devil!" he shouted with glee. He slid my phone out of my pocket. I heard Leigh's unmistakable ringtone.

"Lemme talk to her," I said. J held up the phone and shook his head.

"Why in the world would she want to talk to AJ?" he asked. He hit 'talk' and snickered.

I watched him like a hawk.

Unknown McLean Fact #6: One time, AJ totally lost it with Baylee's See-and-Say machine. It's a long story, but here's a word of warning: if the cow goes 'moo' too many times in a row, one inked up, almost-bald man is going to throw the thing against the wall and flip off Old MacDonald.
Chapter 7 by evergreenwriter83
Chapter Seven

"Hola, mi amor," Leigh breathed into my ear the moment the phone made a connection.

I looked down.

Now, since D is giving you fun facts about me, here's a fun fact about Howie: Leigh's voice, speaking in Spanish, saying anything - she could say something about mopping vomit off the tile in the toilet, it didn't matter, gives him an instant woody.

I'm not kidding you, it was like spring action. Spanish-speaking-Leigh and POP goes the weasle.

"Jesus." I muttered, lowering onto the step. I grabbed my knees.

"AJ," Howie whispered in my voice, he lowered beside me, "What? What'd she say?"

"Howie?" she asked, "Are you okay? You sound enfermo..."

I swallowed. "No," I squeaked, "I'm okay."

She laughed - a sexy, tingly sound that tickled my ear pleasantly. I wanted to hump the phone. I looked at Howie, my eyes wide.

"Ah mi periquito," she said, "Are you not alone?" a devilish tone came to her voice.

"Not exactly," I whispered.

"J..." Howie hissed, "What's going -"

I tilted the phone for him to hear.

"Me pones muy caliente, periquito," Leigh was rambling in Spanish. Even though I didn't understand what she was saying, I could tell by the voice she was saying it in that it was dirty. "Hablame sucio..."

My own brown eyes met mine. Howie hissed, "You gotta say sexy things," he said.

"Sexy things?" I hissed back, covering the phone mouth piece.

"Yes," he hissed.

"Like what? I could tell her all kinda of sexy stuff..."

"En espanol," Howie added.

"I don't KNOW espanol," I wailed.

"Mi amor?" Leigh asked, concerned.

"Okay, ok, follow my lead," Howie hissed.

"Okay." I uncovered the mouth piece.

"Oh mi amora," he whispered, "Me estas volviendo loco!"

"Oh meee amorahhh," I tried to repeat it, "me ezztuhs volllleeyball loaded!"

"Que?" Leigh asked.

Howie smacked his hand to his forehead. "Oy dios," he muttered.

"Oy... DEEOZzzzz," I muttered.

"Don't repeat that, you ass," he hissed.

"Howie? Are you okay?" Leigh sounded very concerned now. "What's going on?"

Howie was rubbing his temples.

So I spat out the only Spanish phrase I remembered - mainly because I used it frequently when we toured to Spain, South America and Mexico.

"Donde esta el bano?"

Howie's head snapped up. "...Did you just... ask my wife... where the toilet is?"

"Is that what that means?" I asked.

Nick would've pissed himself laughing if he ever knew that in the throws of being spoken dirty to by a sexy hispanic woman, I asked for a toilet.

I would live the rest of my life making sure he never found that out.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


"Now look what you've done," I said as AJ stared at the phone.

"What did I do? She hung up on me!"

"That's because she thinks you're I mean I'm nuts!" I complained. "Of all the assinine things to say in Spanish--"

"Well sue me," J snapped. "I'm sorry I'm not Don Pablo."

"Don Pablo?"

"Yeah. Y'know, that stupid Mexican romantic dude?"

I smacked my (well, AJ's) forehead. "Don Juan. DON JUAN!"

"As far as I'm concerned, neither of you are Don Juans. You're nuts."

We both turned. Ro was standing half-way up the stairs, her arms folded across her chest, her wet hair twisting down past her shoulders. Obviously, she wasn't happy.

"Baby--" AJ started to say. I jabbed him in the ribs, hard, knowing well that it was going to leave a bruise. He yelped.

"Baby," I said, the words tasting like chalk in my mouth. "I--"

"I don't know what's going on," Ro said. A knot in my stomach formed at her teary voice. "But I do know I just got off the phone with Leigh. She wasn't aware you two were fighting, Howie."

AJ looked at me. My own frantic eyes looked at me.

"Y'know how it is monkee," I said. "I always think we're fighting, you think we're just discussing...it's the whole marriage thing."

Ro gave me a hard stare. "As soon as Leigh gets here, you and me are going to have a talk."

My blood (well AJ's blood) ran cold. "Leigh's coming here?" AJ asked.

"Well, duh. We leave on tour in what? Two days?"

I heard AJ groan. I think we had both forgotten that little detail.

Ro's eyes narrowed. "What's going on with you two?"

I felt helpless; hopeless. The rational, logistical part of my brain (now AJ's, I guess) wondered if it was the result of the last ounce of AJ's last depression pill fading. I had never been depressed before; hell, I was Sir Howie Happy Wink-a-lot (Leigh's nickname, not mine).

"Going on?" AJ repeated. "Nothing's going--"

"I call bullshit."

AJ snickered. He also shifted on the stairs. My poor johnson mixed with AJ's now functional libido was a dangerous combination.

Ro was getting tired of waiting for an answer. She shook her head. "Come get me if you decide to let me in on your little bromantic secret."

With that she turned and stomped back up the stairs. "Great, now she thinks I'm nuts and she hates me," AJ muttered.

"Well, my wife thinks I have bathroom issues," I complained.

We both hunched forward on the stairs, our chins in our hands, staring forlornly ahead. The silence was oppressive. For some reason I thought about Caroline. Just the thought of her name made me tear up.

The sound of my phone vibrating in AJ's pocket broke the monotony, plunging me out from the depths of the dark water. AJ leaned back, his leg outstretched and slid out my phone.

"Leigh?" I guessed. J shook his head.

"I don't recognize the number."

My pulse quickened. I took the phone and glanced at the display. As I had feared, I knew the number. Well. I opened the phone and quickly shut it again. J gave me a weird look.

"Not important," I explained, trying to sound nonchalant. I rubbed my neck; AJ's felt prickly compared to my own. I was an obsessive hair plucker. AJ? Not so much.

"Let's grab something to eat," he said, taking the phone back from me. "I'm starving."

I stood up, grateful for the change in direction. We needed to formulate a gameplan. In a few hours we were not only going to have to continue this game of charades with Ro, but we'd also have to put up a good front for Leigh and James. I couldn't help but be slightly curious about James.

Would he realize who his real dad was?

Unknown McLean Fact #7: AJ was the first Backstreet Boy that James threw up on. His biggest concern? Whether the spew got on his new Gucci shades.
Chapter 8 by evergreenwriter83
Chapter Eight

"We need a plan," Howie said.

I was still wondering what the hell the phone call had been. I stared down at the cell in my hands, then glanced up at Howie, who stared back through my own eyes. My stomach turned when I looked into them. I could see it. I could see the hurt I was feeling. It was like looking into the mirror when I was depressed, before they gave me the antidepressant s... seeing the pain on display... It was the reason why I wore those damn sunglasses so often. To conceal what I didn't want seen.

I swallowed hard and looked away.

"What kind of plan?" I asked, looking back down to the cell phone.

"The kind that explains why we can't have sex with our wives," Howie replied quietly. We both glanced back up the stairs, where Ro had gone. "Let's go downstairs," Howie whispered, "So we can talk about this."

I led him back downstairs to the basement and closed the door. "She won't hear us down here," I said.

"What if she comes looking for us?"

"We'd hear the door open before she got down here."

"She could listen through the door," he argued.

I stared at him, "It's soundproofed."

"Why in the world would you --"

"Trust me," I muttered. "You don't want to know the answer to that." I smiled sweetly. He must've remembered Ro's leather lingerie and decided not to challenge me because he silenced and didn't ask any further questions.

We sat down in chairs and I sighed. "So a plan," muttered Howie, "It's gotta be something good, too... Something that would explain all this..."

I know it's stupid, but the first thing that came to my head was WWND - What Would Nick Do, that is. He might be a dumbass, but Carter was notoriously excellent at coming up with tall tales to explain his mishaps. Granted, some of them were worse than others, such as the time he claimed aliens abducted his body and performed science experiments to explain why he showed up late and buzzed to a recording session, but sometimes they were plausible excuses. I could really use the Carterific brain, the mastermind of getting in and out of trouble.

"We could call Nick," I suggested.

Howie rolled his eyes, "Please, he'll have us saying we were abducted by --"

"You never know, he might come up with one that's actually possible," I replied, "Faster than we are."

"I'm doing the best I can!" Howie wailed pitifully in my most overwhelmed voice. I stared at him. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, steadying himself. "Sorry," he muttered.

My antidepressant s were wearing off.

"Seriously, Nick might have an answer," I stammered.

"Fine, call him then," he replied, turning away from me.

I sighed and pulled the cellphone back out of my pocket again - and again wondered who that number had been that called Howie - and dialed Carter's cell number.

"WHASSSUPPPPPPP PPPPPP!? I'M ENGAGED!! Leave me lovin'!!" Beep.

I'd started to respond before I realized it was his voicemail. "Bastad," I muttered, closing the phone shut. I dialed it again and waited.

"WHASSSUPPPPPPP PPP!?"

I waited for the message to finish playing to leave a normal voicemail.

"........Howie? Hello?"

Oh this one wasn't the voicemail.

"Nick?" I asked.

"Hey D!!! Whuzza my Mexican buddy?" Nick asked.

"Nothin'," I said, "Look, Nick I --"

"WOAH wait a sec, I just got away with callin you a Mexican?" Nick laughed, "Aw Howie, finally come to terms with yourself?"

That's right too. Howie hated that. I forced a growl, "Shut up, it's Puerto Rican - I'll kill you."

"You'll kill me? Or keel me?" Nick asked.

DAMMIT.

"Look," I said, ignoring his question. I was digging myself a nice deep hole. "I have a weird request."

"Sure anything for my favorite Backstreet Boy," he crooned.

"I need help coming up with...an excuse," I answered.

"An excuse?" Nick laughed, "For what?"

"I don't wanna have sex with Leigh."

The line got silent for a long, awkward pause. "Ok I'm sorry, I though I heard you say you need an excuse to turn down sex," Nick laughed.

"I did say that," I answered.

Another long, awkward pause.

"Dude what the frick is wrong with you? Why the hell would you refuse sex?" he said the word like it was hallowed. Like someone uttering the name of God in a church - kind of hushed.

"Well it's - it's me and Ho--- AJ," I said, catching the name on the way out.

Nick paused. He snorted. "AJ gave up sex?" he asked.

"I - I .... Yes," I answered.

"Tell'em you made a bet who can go the longest without getting laid," Nick said. "But I dunno why the hell you wouldn't wanna get sex. I mean Leigh is like a fricking goddess..." he paused, "Ro's a little scary-intense, I get why AJ would need a break, I bet she rides him like a freaking machine..." he muttered, "She seems very industrialized . Leigh is classic. Kristin and Leighanne, too. Very classic. Very classy..."

"Okay let's not talk about this," I muttered, feeling a little jealous Nick thought Leigh was sexier than Rochelle.

"I mean don't get me wrong, I'd personally go for my Becky over any of ya'lls wives..."

"Hanging up now, Nickster," I muttered.

I shut the phone and looked at Howie. He'd curled my legs up to my chest and was laying in the fetal position on the bed.

".........D?" I said.

He looked up, tears glassing over his - my - eyes. "I miss Caroline," he whispered.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


"Take the pill."

I had begged for a pair of glasses. They kept the tears at bay. I shook my head stubbornly. "No."

Thoughts about Caroline had mixed with thoughts about dad. I would have been happy to stay curled up in the fetal position all day and cry. It didn't matter that I couldn't change the course of life; I just wanted to dwell.

"I don't want you committing suicide in my body," AJ snapped. "I kinda like my body."

"I like my body," I said pathetically. I sniffled.

"Sweet Jesus," J muttered.

"How come you're never cry-ey?" I asked. I had spent too much time in AJ's body. I was obviously picking up some learned 'Carter' words.

"I did," AJ said. "In private."

"But you have to go out sometime," I whined.

"I know. That's why I drank. Drinking made me forget. Drinking made me happy. A happy asshole but nevertheless, happy.

"Nevertheless?" I asked. That sounds like my kinda word."

AJ sighed. "I know. I think it's from being stuck in here so long." He pounded my chest.

I sucked down another crying spell. Caroline. Dad. Not having my body. James. My son. Not my son anymore. I was AJ. I was stuck with Xena, Warrior Princess. I was--

"Nick gave us a great excuse," AJ said. I turned to him, his (well, my whole visage tinted behind the glasses.

"What?" I asked.

"Nick suggested we tell our wives that we made a bet to see who could go the longest without sex," J said proudly.

I shook my head. "I don't know if that's going to work," I said.

"Why the hell not?"

"Because," I said rationally. "Step into a woman's mind."

J snorted. "Hell no. That's like being in The Nightmare Before Christmas. Makeup, and tampons, and--"

"We wear makeup," I reminded him. We both glanced down at my black nails. There was silence as my point settled in.

"Anyhow," J finally continued. "I don't want to go into a woman's mind. It's bad enough I'm in your bod."

I scowled. "Touche. But, I'm just saying that from a woman's standpoint, if you tell her she can't have something, she's going to want it even more. Nick doesn't understand that. Yet."

J leaned forward. I rubbed my moist eye. My stomach burned; part of my thought process was still on our brief conversation about alcohol. It sounded so damn good right now.

"You have a point," J said slowly. "But what other choice do we have?"

Now he had a point. I sighed. "You're right. It's all we've got."

J cracked my knuckles. I scowled. "Could you not do that? I don't want arthritis when I get older."

"You're already old," J teased.

Oh god. I was. I was old. Old meant death. Death meant--

"ALEXANDER JAMES MCLEAN!"

"Crap," J muttered. He started to stand up but I tugged him back down.

"She means me," I said. I exhaled. "I guess my wife wants to have that talk now. Stay here."

"If she's in that outfit again, you've got to come get me," AJ said. He sat on my shoe, waiting for an answer.

"Why, so she can think I'm a creep?"

J made a face. "This is crap. You have a libido. You know how much I want to--"

"Touch it, you die," I said coldly. Without waiting for an answer, I pounded up the steps.

Ro was waiting for me (well, J) in the kitchen. She was dressed normal - as normal as Rochelle dressed, that is. Blue jeans, black shredded skull shirt showing ample amounts of skin, and as always, the red lipstick. Her hands were wrapped around a cup; she looked up as I walked in.

"Sorry to tear you away from your man," she said with a scowl.

I paused. WWAD (What Would AJ Do?)

I smiled. "C'mon Ro, you know D's not my type."

A-ha! That got a smile from her. I sat down across from her. She reached out a hand and tapped at my nails.

"Monkee, what's going on?"

Here it was. The moment of truth. I shrugged like I had seen AJ do a million times.

"I made a bet," I said.

"A bet?"

I laughed and snickered. I slid my glasses down, gave her a split-second peek of my own eyes, and back up the glasses went. "A--Howie and I were bullshitting around and Howie got all fuckin' cocky and well, long story short, we ended up making a bet to see who could go the longest without sex."

I didn't have even a second to see if my story worked. Ro kicked me under the table and I almost faceplanted into the wood. I held my shin, wincing as the pain ricocheted to my (well, J's) bum knee.

"You ass!" she hissed. "Why would you do that when we're--"

"I'm sorry," I gasped. "It's male pride and shit."

I was waiting for another kick. It didn't come. When I finally chanced to look up, Rochelle was looking thoughtful.

"Maybe...maybe not doing it will make it more effective when we do?" she asked. "How long's the bet?"

Crap. We hadn't figured that out. Who knew how long this switch would last?

And what if it was - gulp - permanent?"

"Three more weeks," I heard my own voice say. I looked up. J was standing in the doorway of the kitchen, looking satisfied that his wife was still fully closed. Ro smiled and looked at me.

"Just in time for our next open window," she said. She hopped up and threw her arms around me. She pushed the table back, and climbed onto my lap. She stuck her tongue out at me (well, J).

"Monkee's gonna beat your ass, Dorough," she said happily. J looked like he was being squeezed like an orange.

"We'll see about that," he said tensely.

"We'll see."

Unknown McLean Fact #8: We're all competitive guys, but Nick and AJ are the worst. One time they dared each other to see who could slid the farthest barechested down a patch of snow-covered ice. The result? Both the dumbasses ended up with nipple burn.
Chapter 9 by Pengi
My mouth was dry as a bone. I was staring into those big, brown doe eyes and feeling... weak.

Leigh ran her fingernail down the center of my chest. She whispered in a husky voice, "Who cares about the stupid contest? Yo deseo tu cuerpo."

I knew the word cuerpo meant body.

I was pretty sure we were back to the dirty talking again.

"How---- AJ's..right.. right up stairs," I said. I backed away. "I can't lose this bet."

"You sound like AJ," she hummed.

"Baby James," I stammered, "He's... right here..." I bolted for James. "He's awake," I lied, picking him up. I held the kid to my chest. He wailed.

Screaming babies meant no sex, right? RIGHT?

Wait a minute, I better back up.

See earlier today, just after Howie told you the fact about me and Nick and the nipple burn (which by the way Nick's nips actually got frost bitten and he can't feel anything in the left one anymore - there's a fun Carter fact), Leigh showed up. Turns out when she called before, she was getting off the plane with Mini D and they were on their way to The Castle McLean, as I liked to call my house.

Leigh came in, struggling with a diaper bag and a stroller. "There's more crap in the car," she gasped, "Icaramba!" She dropped the diaper bag and the stroller, James hanging off her in a backpack on her chest. Her eyes lighted on me. "Ohhh, Papi," she gasped, grinning ear to ear. She came over and pressed James between us. I'd seen Howie hug her a thousand and four times like this. I wrapped my arms around her as lightly as I could, like I was hugging something dirty. I could feel Howie's nether regions burning like tamales.

But I needn't have worried.

The instant my body touched James', he let out a shriek heard round the world. His eyes got huge (like they weren't already) and he started going wild, whipping his arms around and bellowing like there was no tomorrow.

"JESUS," I cried, jumping back, shocked by the flailing toddler strapped to Leigh's chest.

Without hesitation - or thinking - Howie -er, in my body - leaped forward and grabbed James from the carrier. "Hey, hey," he whispered, "None of that crying, none of that, poco de frijol..."

Leigh and Ro - and even baby James, actually - were staring.

I looked at my sneaker.

Howie looked up just as James ripped the sunglasses off his eyes and put them on his own face. He suddenly realized, with the removal of the shades, what he'd done. He held James out awkwardly in my direction, "Sorry," he mumbled, "I just was - was practicing."

I reluctantly grabbed James.

James shrieked once more.

Loudly.

"Ah mi bebe," Leigh reached for him and pulled him out of my arms, "Te amo..."

I looked at Howie desperately. He shrugged... but he looked somewhat smug. I think he was just glad James hadn't screamed in his face.

Maybe James knew the difference.

Seriously, though, could Howie produce something that intelligent that could see through our skin to our very souls when even our wives couldn't tell?

"Go get her luggage, Monkee," Ro said, smacking Howie on my ass. Howie jumped and, casting one last longing glance at me, Leigh and James, bolted out the door.

"Howie, you and Leigh can sleep downstairs tonight," Rochelle said. She winked, "The walls are soundproof so if you want to lose certain bets that'd be okay with me. One month closer to having myself one of these adorable creatures." She kissed James.

I stared at her.

My God did Ro look fucking fantastic kissing the big round head of a child.

I wanted to see that everyday.

"Come, mi papi," Leigh drawled, grabbing my arm, "I need to talk to you." And just like that, I'd found myself downstairs, alone, with Leigh and James... and once Howie had brought down the luggage, she dismissed him. "We need some alone time, AJ," she said, winking.

Howie inched up the stairs. "D-dont forget our - our bet..." he said, his eyes sad.

I nodded.

After seeing Ro with James, I knew what I wanted more than anything else. I wasn't about to blow it. Even if I was in another guy's body.

Leigh pulled me down onto the bed. "What's this about a bet?" she asked, pulling me into her.

I pushed away and stood up.

"Me and D---- I mean J," I stammered, "We uh, we have a - a contest. We're trying to see which of us can- can go longer. You know," I said, "Without the having of the sex."

Leigh stared at me. "Oh Howard, please," she laughed, "That's silly." She stood up and came over, and her mouth was inches from mine, her eyes all doey... Her fingernail trailed down my chest...

And that's how I ended up where I was when we started... dry mouth, scooting across the room, and clutching a baby to my chest - a screaming baby - to fend off a horny woman.


*********************************


"Do you think they'd make me take out my ring during delivery?" Ro asked. I was laying on the very edge of the bed, AJ's ass half-hanging off the mattress. My thoughts were on Leigh and James downstairs with AJ. Every time AJ held James, he cried. I desperately clung to the hope that my son still knew who his real dad was. The rest of my body was just desperate. Every part of my heart felt broken.

"What?" I mumbled.

"My ring? Do you think they'd make me take it out?"

"I don't see why they'd make you take off your earrings," I said. I was doing my best to not even try to breathe on her. I was convincing myself this was just a G- rated sleepover. "Leigh kept hers in. I mean---that's what D told me," I added quickly.

Ro laughed. Her hand shot out and stroked me in the chest. "Not that ring," she sang.

It took me a moment to realize what she meant. Women like Leigh would never even consider putting a ring down--down---there. I choked and coughed.

"You have a ring--" I stopped. I was AJ. I was supposed to know that. I was supposed to like that.

Blech.

"Yeah, probably you would have to," I said. I tried to think of something overtly sarcastic to say. An AJ-ism, if you will. "Wouldn't want to give the kid its first brow piercing that early."

Ro laughed. Her hand dripped down my stomach. "Our baby's going to be so cute," she said. She was slowly worming her way closer to me. I had no place to go. If I scooted any farther, I was going to land on the floor. Bet or no bet, Rochelle wasn't going to allow AJ to sleep on the floor.

The only positive was that the depression and the sudden stoppage of the pills was still messing with AJ's libido. I decided to suck it up. I loosely - I stress loosely - wrapped an arm around her, allowing her to nestle her head on the edge of her pillow and be somewhat close to me. She smiled.

"Night monkee," she whispered.

"Night."

Before I could stop her, she kissed me. It was just a fast kiss, but I was instantly plunged into a deep well of guilt. I was a married man. I had technically cheated on my wife. If Leigh ever found out I'd be kicked to the curb. I hadn't dated another woman in over a decade. It wasn't like the majority of fans were Team Howie. Would I even date a fan?

Somehow the thought of dating a fan brought me back to missing Caroline. And dad. And some of our favorite fans that had passed away. My (well, J's) pillow was getting soaked with tears. The blood coursing through this shell of a body seemed to be screaming for relief. I thought about the bottle of wine Rochelle had produced yesterday. I wondered if I could find it...

The only thing that stopped me from hopping out of bed (besides Ro, of course...my arm was pinned under her) was that I had made a promise to AJ. I had promised to break him of the pill dependence. With that, I had to keep him clean. Once we were back to normal (please God let us get back to normal), it would be his responsibility .

But for now, this was my chance to help him out. He really didn't have it that easy. I wasn't going to admit it aloud - at least not now, but there was an internal struggle that I don't think many realized was occuring.

I went to think with a black shroud cast over my mind.

When I woke up the next morning, I relished the feel of the warm body pressed up against me. I smiled, picturing Leigh in all her beauty. I snuggled up closer, my hand heading towards her breast--

"What about the bet?"

Ro's voice instantly sent me back to reality. I scooted away, falling off the bed and taking most of the sheets with me. Luckily, AJ's ability at arousal was still lacking. I was of sane mind. I take that back. I was just of mind. I don't know about the sane part.

"Old habits die hard," I gasped, figuring that was a line AJ would probably use in a case like this. Ro sat up, holding the shirts to her, a smile on her face.

"It'll be over soon," she said. "You never did tell me what the winner gets."

I blinked quickly. I even threw in a wink, I think.

What the hell would the winner of a dumb bet like this get?

Unknown McLean Fact #9: AJ once got one of those keys in the mail from a car dealership claiming he could win a free car if he stopped my the lot. He actually went to try his luck, but the salesmen convinced him of going with a 'sure thing' and trading the key for a mystery box. The contents? Thirty bags of Cheetos.
Chapter 10 by evergreenwriter83
James screamed all night long.

But I refused to put the kid down. He was my only line of defense. I had no idea what the fuck I was doing. I jiggled him gently on each hip and hugged him and tried to play pattycake and a bunch of other mindless child games but nothing worked. Leigh was scowling, unable to sleep either, thanks to James' lungs.

"Sing him the song will you, please?" she wailed.

I had no idea what The Song was.

Only one song came to mind. And funny enough, it wasn't even the real, actual version of it that came into my mind, either. It was a version Nick sang once.

"Come a little bit closer, you're my kinda guy," I sang, "So big and so strong..."

Leigh stared at me, eyebrow raised.

"What?" I asked, looking up at her when I'd finished the song.

She shook her head, "Nothing just... nevermind ,it's okay."

"What is it?"

Leigh shook her head, "Forget it, it's fine."

I wasn't gonna argue with her. I let it drop. James continued screaming anyway, listening to a 900 billion hour discussion on God knew what was not my idea of a good time. I continued rocking James. I figured if she wanted to tell me what was up, she'd tell me.

I was right.

"You were just singin like AJ," she blurted.

I looked up from Jame's pinched, red, ugly-ass face. "What?"

"You were singing in AJ's key," she explained, "I don't know, it's just weird..." She eyed me a long moment. "You guys are being weird today. I can't quite put my finger on it, but... there's something going on."

I stared at her.

Leigh sighed, "Howie, please, let's put James to bed. Come to bed." She patted the matrress beside her.

"What bout the bet?" I asked.

She rolled her eyes, "It's not nice to keep a senorita waiting, senor," she said. A smile broke her stern face, though, "I'll be happy if you just hold me, mi amor," she whispered.

I laid James down and he stopped wailing once my hands had left him. I sighed. You lil shit, I thought. I moved across the room and crawled in bed awkwardly, and laid down against the pillow. Leigh pulled my arms around her and I tried to think of anything except the sexy woman in my arms.

That's when it occurred to me.

Maybe I wasn't able to get Rochelle pregnant because I'd be a terrible father. Maybe that's why James was screaming so much whenever I touched him. He was afraid for his life. He was afraid that I'd always be me and not his Dad again. James didn't want a terrible father for a father, he wanted Howie, the perfect father.

I laid awake, staring at the ceiling, scared to fucking death.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


"You look exhaused. Didn't you sleep well? Or did you spend the time doing something else?"

J was slumped over a plate of eggs over easy, dark circles under my eyes. Leigh's eyes kept fluttering closed. I hadn't touched a bite of food.

They looked like two people who had spent the night---

"James wouldn't stop crying," Leigh said with a yawn. "It was a late night."

J nodded. I glanced over at James from behind my sunglasses. His big brown eyes were affixed to me. He broke into a huge smile.

"DADA!"

James wasn't much of a talker, but when he did, it was something usually incredible profound.

Hence, his declaration that I was his dad. It took every fiber of my being not to encourage him. I stared down at my newly painted nails. For some reason I had felt the need to surround myself in black today. I scooped up a mouthful of eggs, bit down hard on my fork, and shook my head.

"Jamesy, silly boy. That's not da-da," Leigh cooed. James nodded happily. I was prepared for his next move. He tossed a grape right at my head. I reached up and caught it, just as I had trained myself to do. James clapped.

Leigh's eyes widened. Maybe it was because we had been together so much longer than AJ and Rochelle, but part of me thought that maybe, just maybe, she was beginning to put the pieces together.

"AJ..." she said slowly.

"Great catch monkee!" Rochelle said happily. She kissed my cheek. J dropped his fork under the table, dove under, and head-butted my knee.

Always with the bum knee. I winced.

Before AJ clammored back into his seat, I recognized the ringing of my phone. J glanced at the display. His eyes darted to me.

"Excuse me a moment," he said. He whisked out of the room. I scooted back my chair. I felt sick. If it was the same caller as before--

"Where you going monkee?" Ro asked. James threw his arms out at me, grunting impatiently.

"I need to speak to J for a minute Ro," Leigh said pleasantly. "Can you watch James?"

Leigh might as well have asked Ro to open a tree full of Christmas presents. She nodded enthusiastically.

"Of course!"

I was hoping that Leigh would walk in the same direction AJ had gone, but she veered me out of the kitchen and down a hall. I leaned against the wall, trying to copy AJ's perfect 'I don't give a fuck' stance.

"What's up?"

"I want to know the truth," she whispered.

"The truth about what?"

She folded her arms across her chest and shook her head slightly side to side.

"I want to know what's going on with you and AJ."

"Nothing's going on with me and A--" I stopped. I had a feeling she had just trapped me. She reached up and took of the glasses. Her eyes bore into mine. I teared up. She was so beautiful.

And right now she wasn't mine.

"Howie?" she whispered.

"Te quiero con toda mi alma," I said softly. Her eyes widened.

"How did this happen?"

"It's a long story," I said.

"Does Ro know?"

"Who would think something like this was possible?"

Leigh cupped my chin. "Your eyes..."

"I went off AJ's anti-depressants for him," I admitted. I wrapped my hand over hers. "I'm dying right now."

She blanched. "So that means I slept with AJ last night?"

I almost choked on my saliva. "You sle--"

"In the literal."

I nodded. "Yeah."

"No wonder he was clinging to James like a bulletproof vest," she mumbled to herself. Her face turned scarlet. "Oh God I said all that stuff."

"Don't worry about it," I said. "You didn't know."

My eyes darted past her shoulder. I hadn't seen AJ walk back into the kitchen yet. As much as I was worried about the body switch and about Leigh, I was more concerned with who the caller was. They had never tried two days in a row.

But then again, they were getting impatient.

Unknown McLean Fact #10: AJ told me once that when he was little he had wanted to be either an actor, musician, or a hostage negotiator. The world should feel blessed that he chose music. He once tried to bargain a Quarter Pounder with Cheese away from Brian and ended up agreeing to buy Littrell McDonald's for a month. By the time they had settled the agreement, Nick had swooped in and taken the sandwich.
Chapter 11 by evergreenwriter83
Chapter Eleven

I felt... numb.

I dropped onto my sofa and lowered the cell phone from my ear. "Mr. Dorough?" I heard the guy asking, "Mr. Dorough?" I stared blankly at it.

I could hear baby James crying in the other room and Ro cooing quietly. I rubbed my palms against my knees. I glanced at the door. I know Howie knew who had called. The look he'd given me when I got up to go answer it... I swallowed and lifted the phone to my ear.

"Sorry," I murmured.
Howie was the responsible one, he was the one with the investments and the buildings and the real estate. I mean, Leigh was a broker for crying outloud. If any of us were gonna go having loan sharks calling our cellphones it should have been Nick or I, not Howie.

"There must be some mistake."

"There is no mistake, Mr. Dorough, and we've been trying to reach you for quite some time..."

I rubbed my knees, "Sorry, I - I haven't been myself lately," I said.

"We need the money, or we're going to take this to the next level," he said.

I glanced at the door. Howie was hovering in the jamb reluctantly. He came in and closed the door behind him. "Okay," I said, "I understand. Look, I promise I'll get it to you as soon as I can." I closed the phone and stared at D.

He swallowed.

"We need to talk," I said, my voice sounding serious and... well, Howie-ish.

He nodded.

"How?" I asked.

He looked at his feet and inched closer and sat in front of me, looking at the black polish on his nails - my nails. He picked at his fingers. A very me thing to do. It was something I developed when I was a child and first starting to feel the effects of depression. I guess it was a mild form of self-mutilation, at least that's what my psychiatrist at the rehab clinic said.

I reached over and stopped him from picking.

He looked up and our eyes met. He sighed. "I made some bad investments," he said, "With the jacked up economy..." he shook his head, "J, I made some huge mistakes."

"I see that."

"I don't know how to fix them," he added, "AJ, I always went to my dad for help for shit like this and he's..." his eyes flooded with tears.

I nodded.

"I don't want Leigh to know, but it's gettin' serious, man... and I've already asked Brian for money and I can't - I can't keep taking money from people, and I borrowed from these guys to pay off the bank - thinking I'd get a huge check for the tour, but they decided not to pay in advance this time and..."

"How much?" I asked. "Let's end this right now."

Howie stared at me. "No," he said, "I don't want you to." I opened my mouth to say that I'd do it whether he told me or not, but he said quickly, "Leigh knows."

"I thought you said you weren't telling her?" I asked, confused.

"No," he said, he touched his/my chest and reached out and touched my/his chest. "She knows."

My eyes widened, "You told the girls?"

"No," Howie said, "Leigh knew."

I blinked. "How?"

"She saw it. In my eyes. Well, your eyes. But the eyes that're in the head I'm occupying."

"How?"

"The grape throw with James..." he said, shrugging, "I dunno, we've been together a long time, J, she knows me inside and out... Even if I'm in a different body."

I looked at my knees. Why hadn't Rochelle noticed I was in Howie's body?

Howie seemed to read my mind. He reached over and patted my knee. Well, his knee. Whatever. "J.." he said quietly, "Leigh has a keen sense."

"Yeah." I sighed.

Howie frowned, "Hey now," he said, "I'm the one battling depression," he teased, "No going double dutch on me." He paused, "One day you and Ro will have that, too," he said, "It takes investment."

I stared at him. "Speaking of investments... How much?"

"J..."

"Howie..."

He sighed.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


"It's bad."

"How bad? I couldn't look at J. I stared down at the floor.

"A half a million."

"Dollars?"

"No, pennies," I snapped. "What do you think I mean? Yes, dollars!"

My motto used to be 'Failure is not an option.' But I was failing. I was failing my family. I was the least popular member of the group and I didn't even having a fucking motto anymore.

I was failing at life.

'How much have you already paid?"

"Nothing. I'm trying to keep my good investments going," I said bitterly.

"Damn," J whispered.

"I'm going to have to come clean to Leigh soon. If I don't, she's going to come home some day to a foreclosure notice."

"Man, it's not going to come to that," J said. I snorted.

"How do you know?"

"Because...because I'm going to help you out."

"No you're not," I hissed. "I'm not going to end up owing every single one of you guys."

J smiled. "You won't. Nick never has any money to give. He spends it all on himself and Rebekah of Sunnybrook Farm. That just leaves me and Bri. And Kev. But I doubt movies pay as much as tours."

I shook my head and scowled. All I could think about was the giant goose egg sitting in James' college fund. I rubbed my forehead, still not used to feeling smooth skin instead of soft, perfectly cared-for hair.

"I'm serious J. This is my problem."

"So? My dependence on the anti-depressants is my problem, but you're obsessed with being the hero," J countered.

"That's different. That's--"

J held up my perfectly coiffed hand. "Tell you what. You take my happy pills again and I won't pay up. Then we'll be even. Okay?"

I shook my head. "I don't--"

"Take it or leave it. Otherwise I'm going to have to tap into my Swiss bank account."

"You have a Swiss bank account?" I asked increduously. J clicked my tongue.

"Fuck no. It just sounds good."

I laughed. Weakly. I didn't have a choice. I wasn't going to feel indebted to J. I sighed.

"Deal."

"Good. Now go take a pill. We start tour in two days and I don't need Bri and Nick seeing me like this." We stood up. J patted my back.

"On the bright side, at least now that Leigh knows, I won't have to keep trying so hard with James." He sounded slightly bitter, slightly sad. "That kid hates me."

"He doesn't hate you. He just doesn't like anyone," I explained. "He's very attached to his mommy and daddy.

"He likes Brian," AJ pointed out.

"Everyone loves Brian," I said. AJ sighed.

He couldn't argue with that.

Unknown McLean Fact #11: One time when Brian couldn't stop hiccuping, AJ dressed in his ex-girlfriend Sarah's corset and booty shorts, cranked Enya all through the dressing room, and jumped out of our wardrobe closet. I don't know if it scared Bri's hiccups out of him or if Brian can't laugh and hiccup at the same time, but it worked. Either way, to this day I still can't listen to Enya without an unwanted mental image.
Chapter 12 by Pengi
Chapter Twelve

See, the thing about deals and me is that you gotta watch me close. I am a strong believer in the crossed finger rule. Saying "deal" means nothing if your fingers are crossed. Similarly so with promises. Only pinkie swears are the exception.

Luckily for me, Howie is not aware of this (though he should be by now, I pull this on him frequently enough... even Nick, the crowned king of easy to fool, doesn't get suckered in on this).

Later that day, I snuck out saying I had to go to the store. I'd snuck my ATM card out of my wallet - which D left on the dresser in the bedroom - and was in line at the Bank of America downtown with my card. I stared at the slip of paper I'd just gotten out of the ATM with my balance.

"Next," called a bored looking woman with short brown hair and a scarf tied around her neck. I was instantly reminded of that old 'ghost story' The Yellow Ribbon that we used to tell around the fire at a summer camp I went to as a kid. I wondered if I yanked it off her neck if her head would fall off. Nick probably would've done it.

I stepped up to the counter, "Yo," I said, "I'd like to make a withdrawal from my -- my friend's account," I said. I beamed. I didn't think until after I'd done it that Howie looks like a freak when he cheeses.

She stared at me. "And is your friend with you?" she asked.

I paused. "No. But he gave me his ATM card."

She continued staring. "I'm sorry, sir, but I can't do that unless your friend is present."

"I know his PIN," I argued.

"I'm sorry sir, but I can't do that unless your friend is present."

I looked at ner name tag, which was positioned nicely on her right boob. "Look, Chelsea," I said, "I really need to do this without my friend..." I said, "Can't you just bendy-bendy the rules?"

"If you know his PIN why don't you take it out of the ATM?" she asked, voice flat.

"The ATM has a $500 limit, and --"

Her eyes widened. "How much are you withdrawing?"

"Five hundred -" I coughed, "Thousand."

She held out her hand. "May I see your friend's debit card?"

Good, the bitch is gonna listen to me, I thought, and forked over the card. To my absolute horror, though, once she got her perfectly manicured bitch fingers on the plastic, she pulled it to her and quickly folded it, snapping the card in half.

"What the fuck are you doing?!?" I blanched.

She blinked. She raised her hand and waved over a buff looking security-type. "What the hell are you doing?" I demanded as the guy came over.

"Come with me, sir," the guy whispered in a husky voice.

Now, I'm not known for having the best temper level in the world. Unfortunately, you mix my mental inability to bite my tongue and Howie's hotheaded Latin-ness, and... well...

"GET YOUR FILTHY PIG HANDS OFFA ME OR I'LL KEEL YOU!" Howie's Puerto Rican was shining through. I flailed my arms as the security guy grabbed me. "DON'T TOUCH ME!" I flailed more.

"Sir you're resisting an off--"

Crack.

Fist hit nose.

I froze.

The worst part?

Well, I hadn't gotten myself arrested...

"Howard Dorough," the cop said, "You're under arrest. Come with me."


*********************


I loved Leigh. I knew I didn't tell her near enough. Ten times a day wasn't enough.

And why did I love her so much, you may ask?

Because she got Ro out of the house. And away from me. She spewed some total b.s. about a therapeutic shopping session and away they went, leaving me with James.

I had lied to AJ about taking the anti-depressant. I didn't need no 'stinkin' anti- depressants. James was an anti-depressant in and of himself. While the girls were gone and AJ was grocery shopping, I took the opportunity to be lazy. I sprawled on the couch, letting James climb all over me.

"You know who your real dad is, don't you?" I asked. James look up, a big smile lighting up his face.

"Dada," he jabbered. I laughed and, to his delight, hoisted him up in the air.

I loved kids. I wanted a whole litter of kids. I just needed my body back.

And a little help. But I was never going to admit that. Better to razz J.

Right?

James and I were playing pat-a-cake when the phone rang. I wasn't going to answer it, but the display indicated the call was coming from the county jail.

And I had a bad feeling.

"Hello?"

There was a loud crackle. "...ean?"

"Hello?"

"Alexander McLean?"

"No---I mean yes."

"This is Sargeant Lowe from the county jail. Are you aware that your ATM card was stolen?"

"Stolen?" I asked blankly. "No."

"We have a suspect in custody right now. He tried to withdraw five hundred thousand dollars from your account this morning."

I'm sure my eyes (well, J's eyes) almost bugged out of my head. "What?!"

"Do you know a Howard Dwayne Dorough?"

Son of a --

"Yes," I hissed through clenched teeth.

As far as I was concerned, AJ was dead. Deader than dead. It didn't taken the sargeant's continuing conversation for me to figure out what happened.

AJ had made a promise, broken that promise, and gotten my ass arrested.

Now I was broke and a felon.

This wasn't going to be pretty.

An hour later, a sympathetic lady working the booking desk was watching James, and I was being lead down a dingy hallway that smelled like urine. The officer stopped and pointed at the cell directly in front of me.

I could already see my arm hanging outside the cage. My face was pressed up to the bars.

"You came!" J said happily. My eyes narrowed. He pulled away from the cell just as I lunged at it.

"Hijo de puta! El burro sabe mas que tu!"

"I don't know what you said, but I'm sorry!"

The officer, who moments before hadn't been hesitant to let me in to talk to J, now paused with the big metal ring of keys in hand. I made vicious swipes through the bars at the dipshit that had gotten me booked.

"No me jodas! You broke your promise!"

"No, I didn't," J said. "I crossed my fingers. You know that's my thing."

I whirled around. "Let me in there."

"I dunno. I think you need to calm down--"

"LET ME IN RIGHT NOW OR I'LL KEEL YOU!"

"Hey, that's just what I said earlier!"

"Vete a la verga culero," I spat.

It turns out that you shouldn't threaten to kill a boy in blue. I ended up in the cell next to AJ.

"You can't do this," I kept saying. "My son's with the booking lady. I have to go home. This isn't my fault! This isn't--"

The slam of the cell cut my rant off. I heard AJ sigh.

"Why did you have to go and get me arrested?"

"You? You!? I've now got a record! Damnit AJ, I've never done anything wrong. You've fucked me over!"

"No, I think you did that to yourself," J said. "Remember the money?"

I uttered another long string of Spanish curses. I paused only long enough to catch my breath.

During the pause, all I heard was the sound of AJ peeing. And humming.

"Will you shut up?" I snapped.

"I was only trying to help," J said calmly. "If you wouldn't have blown your top, you could have not pressed charges and we would both be free of here. Then we could have gone to the bank and taken care of business."

"You're not taking care of this. We made a deal."

"Oh, you mean like you promising to take the pills again? 'Cause I counted this morning. You didn't do it. You lie just as bad as I do!"

I groaned. He had a point. I sat down on the rough wooden bench and covered my face.

As bad as the day had been thus far, it was only going to get worse. Someone was going to call Leigh and Ro. Leigh was going to find out I left James with a strange women in a gross jail. Add in getting arrested and, well...

Hell hath no fury like a hot-blooded women scorned.

Unknown McLean Fact #12: When Leigh was first hired during the Black and Blue era as webmaster, AJ thought she was going to end up with Nick. He even tried to play Cupid. It's amazing how oblivious he was about Leigh and I as we snuck around. Those were the gold ol' days.
Chapter 13 by evergreenwriter83
Chapter Thirteen

Leigh came through the doors of the jail with the officer at top speed, her heels clicking on the cement. She stopped in front of the cell Howie was in, her eyes flashing, and started yelling in rapid-fire Spanish at him. He leaped off the little bench stuck to the wall, where he'd been napping, and started whining out sorries that didn't cool her down. The cop smirked, and was no where near as reluctant to let her in as he was to let Howie in to my cell before.

After posting bail - from Howie's depleated bank account, might I add - Leigh had us out in the car. "What in the hell happened?" she demanded the moment the car doors slammed shut. She turned in the driver's seat to look at me in the back, then at Howie beside her. "Explain to me. Now."

I looked at Howie.

"AJ was at the bank," Howie answered. Leigh's eyes flashed to him. She looked unsettled. Obviously it was still weird to her that Howie was me and I was Howie. "They thought he was using a stolen card, since he's not...himself."

"Then I suckerpunched a cop," I added.

Leigh sighed. She turned forward and swore en espanol. I think she called me a donkey again, like D had, but I'm not positive.

Howie hung his head.

"And you, what did you do?"

"Threatened to kill an officer," I piped up. Howie turned red.

"You what?!" Leigh's face exploded in shock, "Howard Dwayne Dorough," she started to scold, but I interrupted.

"Well technically to keel not kill," I clarified.

Howie turned even redder.

Leigh's face didn't look any less horrified.

The ride home was very Spanish and I tuned most of the scolding out. I couldn't understand it anyway. When we got back to the McLean Castle, baby James screaming mercilessly in the backseat from the tension level in the car, Rochelle was sitting outside, smoking on the front stoop.

"She's pissed, just so you know," Leigh said.

"Great," Howie muttered, "I get chewed out by two wives and J doesn't have to deal with any."

I leaned forward and patted his shoulder, "Look at it this way, man," I said, "At least she won't try to sleep with you when you're in the dog house."

Leigh rolled her eyes, "You two stupid heads don't seriously think I'm not going to tell her you're switched, right?"

"YOU CAN'T!" I blared.

Howie and Leigh looked at me curiously.

"She already thinks I'm nuts..." I said.

"She's right," Leigh muttered and she got out of the car.

Howie sighed. "She took that well."

"That was well?" I asked.

The backdoor opened and Leigh hauled wailing James out of the car seat and hoisted him to her chest. "Come on, inmates," she said.

Howie and I got out of the car and followed Leigh across my lawn. We weren't even halfway to the house yet when Rochelle stood up, tossed her cigarette to the ground, stomped it out, and flew like a bat out of hell at me -- er, no, at Howie. With a crack, her open palm swiped across his face, "What in the name of all hell were you thinking Alexander James!?" she demanded, "Do you know how tweaked out your manager is? Not to mention you mother?"

"MY MOTHER?" I cried out.

Ro looked at me, her face contorted with confusion.

Leigh sighed, "Ro, I think we all need to sit down and have a nice long chat."

Rochelle looked at Howie, who was clutching my cheek. "Oy," he muttered, "For a mamasita you swing harder than Babe Ruth..."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


"I don't believe it. I just don't believe it."

We were sitting in J's living room, the five of us, J and I having just completed our tale to this point. James was sitting on my lap, his legs happily swinging back and forth. J kept watching them carefully, probably to make sure his junk didn't get a toddler-sized shoe slammed into it.

Rochelle was sitting there, shaking her head, looking at the three of us like we were nuts. J got up and sat next to her. She scooted away but he put a hand on her shoulder.

"I can prove it to you," he said. He leaned over and began to whisper in her ear.

The more AJ whispered, the larger her eyes became. James seemed transfixed that someone's eyes could actually get bigger than his.

I should clarify that this isn't a jab at my son. He has gorgeous eyes. Someday ladies will kill over those eyes.

"OH MY GOD!" Ro shouted. James entire body jerked; he began to cry. Ro stood up and, as seemed to be the pattern lately, whirled on me.

"We had a conversation about my ring! Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because you'd go insane!" I screeched. "Kinda like what you're doing now!"

"If you didn't have a baby on your lap, I would so hit you!"

"Maybe she'd even keel you," J said. I passed him a dirty look. He grinned. I think he actually enjoyed seeing Ro scream at me.

Freak.

"I think the most important thing is what we're going to do," Leigh said calmly.

"Do? Do?!" Ro shouted. I guess she wasn't done with being la loca. "This is a nightmare! I can't be married to this one," she said, pointing at me. "Because he has a personality like a tuna fish. And I can't be married to this one," she said, pointing at J (in my body), "because he looks like a cupie doll!"

J's mouth was flapping like a fish. James wrapped his hand around my arm and I sighed. "Tell me how you really feel about me," I muttered.

No one heard me. The moment the word 'cupie doll' flew out of Ro's mouth, Leigh was on her feet.

"'Scuse me?" Leigh said. "I don't take insults to my husband lightly. It's not like yours is a prize!"

Now, here's the thing. Leigh and Ro never fight. Sure, they're not the best of friends, but still...

They had never gotten in each other's faces before. Like they were doing. Right now.

"My monkee's a man!" Ro shouted.

"He's a coloring book gone bad!" Leigh shouted back. "And the only thing 'monkee' about him is his smell!"

I couldn't help it. I really couldn't. I lifted my (well, J's) armpit and smelled. AJ was doing the same.

"That does it!" Ro hissed. She slid off her earrings.

It's never a good sign when girls take off their earrings.

Sixty seconds later I was holding James high in the air watching our wives wrestle on the floor. It was the most amazing thing I had ever seen in my life. AJ came over to me.

"Do you think we should break them up?" I whispered. There was a good minute pause.

"Eventually," J said. "Damn."

Damn was right. I felt warm all over. I exhaled.

"Hey J?"

"Yeah?"

"I think your pills have finally worn off," I said.

We both looked down. AJ grinned.

"About damn time."

Unknown McLean Fact #13: Rochelle's not AJ's first girlfriend to have a pet name. Previous girlfriends have been called 'tiger,' 'panther,' and 'Pumbaa.' Let's just say 'Pumbaa' didn't last long. No girl wants to be called a fat warthog. Why Rochelle wants to be compared to a hairy primate is beyond me, but who am I to judge?
Chapter 14 by evergreenwriter83
Chapter Fourteen

I'll be the first to admit I couldn't stand the amount of jealousy I felt. Leigh completely accepted Howie the way he was, stuck in my body and all, but Ro wouldn't even look at me. She was so freaked out by the whole thing. I mean I can't really blame her - she was sympathetic, she just wasn't as tolerant of the mess.

I had to put up with two weeks of me and Howie trying to figure out how to switch it back while sleeping on the sofa because it weirded her out to be sleeping next to what looked like Howie.

Finally, mercifully, it came time to go on tour.

"Please figure this out Monkee," a teary-eyed Rochelle bade me farewell at our door, "Please come back yourself... I miss you," she whispered, "I want us to have babies together, please."

"Trust me," I muttered, "I'm trying."

In the two weeks time, Howie and I had tried a crapton of stuff. The most embarassing one to admit was when we backed up against opposite walls and ran into each other, hoping the impact would make the switch-a-roo occurr. We'd spent two hours at the ER while waiting to get my wrist examined for a nasty sprain.

Nothing worked.

Brian's car was already parked in Nick's driveway by the time we got to his house in Beverly Hills. Howie sighed as I parked behind Brian's big blue SUV and turned off my truck. "Great," he muttered.

"What?" I asked.

Both of us were on edge, our nerves frayed from the stress of the last couple weeks. Nothing had gone smoothly, an a general air of awkward hang hung over everyone except James, who only wanted to play with Howie. I'd made him take my piercings out while he was playing with James and I had the sinking suspicion that I was going to have to re-pierce everything when I got back in my own body.

"We're still each other," he snapped, "We have to do a whole stinkin' tour like this."

"What?" I said, "Is it not so easy being me as you thought it was?"

Howie glowered, "It's still easier than being me," he snapped.

I turned away. Sorry, the guy has some financial bullshit, yeah, but it's not like its the end of the world. What his biggest problem was was getting his pride-filled head out of his own ass. He probably couldn't. His ego was too big. It got lodged in his rectum.

I got out of the truck and slammed the door and grabbed a suitcase out of the back of the truck's bed and started up the walk to Nick's door.

"Are we going to tell them?" Howie asked, appearing at my side a moment later with another suitcase. He nodded at the house.

"Why? So they can act as fucky as our wives did all tour?" I shot back, "I can just picture the fun Nick would have with this shit."

"Nicky would understand," Howie said.

I snorted, "You clearly don't know Nick like I know Nick. Brian is the one that would understand."

"Brian would freak out."

I rolled my eyes, "Whatever."

"Well if you think you know Nick better than I do, who's to say I don't know Brian better than you do?" Howie demanded.

"Because," I snapped, "He's Brian - he has exactly one dimension."

Howie laughed, "Oh J, J, J... Seriously, c'mon."

"Yeah? Well, get ready," I snapped, "Cos you're about to find out a lot more about Nick's sex life with Becky-the-Almighty than you ever wanted to know."

Howie looked a bit terrified at this statement. "What do you mean?" he asked as I rang the door bell, "He tells you like stuff?" he stammered.

I smiled. "That's for me to know, and you to find out, I suppose, 'ey AJ?" I said pointedly as the door opened and Nick's blonde head peeked around the jamb.

"FELLASSSS!!!!!" he cried, whipping the door opened. "C'mon yall! This is great! I'm just firing up the B-B-Q out back... Becky's makin' egg salad. I'm so friggin' ready to pound that shit." He grinned.

I winked at Howie and stepped past Nick.

"Hey, J?" I heard Nick whisper, "We gotta talk - oh dude, wait til you hear this..."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


"Wait," I said as Nick took my arm. "I think maybe Howie wants to hear this instead."

Nick rolled his eyes. "Howie doesn't care about my liiii-iiifeee," he sang. "Howie cares about..." he paused and looked at J. "What do you care about?"

"Tacos," AJ said. "And money."

Grrrr.

"Yeah, money!" Nick said happily. "C'mon."

I had no choice. Nick lead me through his house. I couldn't help but notice his pants were practically falling off his ass. Couldn't the boy buy pants that fit?

The house looked a lot different from when Nick lived there solo. There were a lot more womanly touches. Gone were the huge posters of half-naked Budweiser girls. In their place were admittedly cute pictures of Nick and Becky, ala photo kiosk.

Once we headed downstairs, I realized where the man cave had moved too. A big busty brunette leaning over a car smiled at me over Nick's pool table.

"Okay," Nick said. "I've so gotta tell you. This whole engaged thing rocks. Becky's on fire. I don't know what I'm gonna do on tour. It's like every night y'know?"

"That's good," I said. I picked up the black eight ball and rolled it in my palm.

"I know you're going to love this story," Nick continued, not noticing my disinterest. He jumped up and sat on the edge of the pool table. He grabbed a pool cue and stuck it between his legs, making motions that I so didn't want to see.

"What story?"

"Okay, so I went to visit Beckers at the hospital, right? Well she was on duty for like a million hours and I was missing her so I brought her dinner."

Here, Nick gave me a wink. "Dessert ended up in one of the medicine closets," he said. "We were going at it, y'know and the boxes were shaking--" Nick wiggled his fingers. "Anyhow, this whole box spills over and it wasn't sealed properly. I had my mouth open and, well, I ended up swallowing a couple pills."

"What?"

Nick giggled. "They were blue happy pills. Three days later, Becky used all her sick days up and my balls were so swollen I felt like they were dragging on the ground. It. Was. Epic."

I blanched. Nick was the king of horrible mental pictures.

"I'm sure you won't do that again," I said.

Nick frowned. "What? Are you nuts? Of course I would!"

I smacked my forehead. Nick poked me in the shoulder with the cue stick. "Hey, you, me, and Howie are sharing a bus again. What can we do to How while he's sleeping this time. Huh? Huh?"

I lowered my hand. "What do you mean, what can we do to D while he's sleeping?"

Nick looked confused. "We always do something! Remember the time when we put the coconut bra on him? Or the time--"

I stopped listening after he started to talk about edible body glitter. I needed to get back upstairs. I was going to strangle my own neck, but it would be worth it to see AJ squirm. "Hey, J, is something wrong?"

"Wrong?" I asked absently. "Not at all."

Nick hummed. "Let's go. I want some barbecue. And some egg salad. And I don't mean like the yellow clumpy stuff, yanno? I mean like a helping of Becky. Or two helping. Hell, forget the barbecue. Can you just keep everyone distracted for an hour?"

Nick wouldn't shut up. My head was already hurting. He always left me alone. With AJ he was like a mosquito. Considering AJ was a gnat, they made a good pair.

A pair I so wanted to swat.

Unknown McLean Fact #14: Even though Nick's messy, AJ's messier. One time I put yellow condemned tape all around his bunk. So what did he do? He took it all down and made it into a wearable Borat suit. Sometimes no matter how hard you try, J just does not get the message.
Chapter 15 by evergreenwriter83
Chapter Fifteen

I looked miserable. By I, I mean Howie in my body. He was sitting across the table from Nick, who kept shooting little smirks and winks at him and hanging all over Becky. I'd warned the guy, but would Howie listen? Nooo. And how many times had I complained that Nick was a full-blown, massive freak? Probably a million and nobody had ever listened to that either.

However, I wasn't looking much rosier than Howie was, I'm sure, because, in his lack of consideration for me, Howie hadn't mentioned what a freaking freak that Brian is.

See, for me, it works like this: Me and Nick joke about sex constantly. It's like a running, permanent thing. We are always on perverted mode. We never exit that mode and that is the way we like it. We communicate well on that level. Then there's me and Howie, who, despite our current situation, have always gotten along quite well and have always traded sex tips and ideas that we've picked up along the way. Mine to make him wilder, his to make me more romantic. It works. It's a relationship, a give-and-take thing that turns on and off depending on the mood and how great the tip is.

Me and Brian, though, we've never talked about sex. At least not while he was sober.

Apparently, he reserved all that for Howie.

"It was amazing," he was saying in a whismical voice.

I stared at him. He'd gone on and on for the last ten to fifteen minutes - probably longer than the encounter lasted - about him and Leighanne and their friggin love sex. I'm sure the kinkiest thing Brian's ever done was missionary position. Brian's not a big adventurer.

I mean the guy's idea of a dirty joke is that lame ass thing about sex on TV being bad for you.

Yeah, you know the one.

Because you might fall off.

Right now, I felt like pushing him off. Off Nick's 2nd story deck and into his pool below.

"I'd like to propose a toast," Nick suddenly yapped, getting up and hitting his glass with his knife. Lemonade spilled over the rim and dribbled down his wrist. He licked his arm with that big gross tongue of his and winked at Becky. I didn't even want to imagine what that was supposed to mean.

Brian lifted up his cup.

I hesitantly followed suit.

"To the best potato salad maker ever, my sexy bride-to-be, Becky." He petted her head. "And to the best fucking tour that ever happened," he grinned.

"Here, here," Howie said in my voice.

Nick looked at him like he was nuts, "Okay Howie," he teased.

Howie turned red.

"Yeah, man," I said, "Stop narking my phrases."

"Narking?" Brian looked at me funny.

"As soon as you stop narkin' mine, dude," Howie replied back.

Nick glanced between the two of us. "Ya'll are fucking weird," he commented. Then he tossed the drink back and sat down, letting out a gigantic belch as he sat.

"Ten pointer," I muttered under my breath.

Nick started macking on Becky's neck and Howie looked ready to throw up.

I almost felt bad for him, until I heard Brian say, "Anyways, where was I? ...Oh yeah, right... So anyways, the condom thing..."

I smacked my forehead.

At least Nick's sexual escapades were interesting to listen to. Brian's was about as exciting as a slightly damp moist towelette.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


"I love you Nicky-nicker-kins," Becky simpered. They rubbed noses before Nick shoved his tongue down her throat for the fifteenth time and she wrapped her leg around his waist. I coughed and looked at my wrist. AJ didn't wear watches. AJ was grinning, watching the action unfold like a Pay-Per-View flick. Bri was staring at the sidewalk, scuffling her huge ass sneaked into a crease overgrown with weeds.

"Don't forget to Sykpe me," Nick whined as he pulled away. He ran his hands up along her sides, every single time grabbing a half-palm full of her boobs. She nodded.

I groaned. I was stuck on a bus with him and J. I knew Nick wasn't just going to Skype to check up on his nursey-poo's day.

This was going to suck.

"Are we ready?" I asked. Nick looked at me.

"Just a couple more sec--AH!"

Becky squeezed his ass and he attacked her like she was watermelon and it was a hundred degree day.

I turned and climbed into Bri's SUV. It was tradition that AJ and Nick rode to the airport together and Brian and I traveled together.

Of course, that's when I was Howie.

"Whatcha doin' J?" Bri asked. I stared back at him. "What?"

"Dontcha wanna ride with Nick?"

"It's okay," J said quickly. "I can ride with Nick."

Bri looked uncomfortable. "But it's tradition...it's like good luck. It's like fortune cookies."

I had no clue what Bri was talking about. All I knew was that we were going to probably get a Jim Carrey-esque freakout if we didn't play along. I slid out of the SUV.

"Just yankin your pickle," I said. It sounded ridiculous, but I could imagine AJ saying something like that. Can't you?

Ten minutes later, Becky's boobs finally left Nick's doorway and Bri was backing his car out of the drive. I was sitting in Nick's brand new, bright blue, convertible.

"Isn't this baby, awesome?" Nick asked. He rubbed his long fingers over the steering wheel.

"It's nice," I admitted. "Not really a family car," I added, thinking of James.

Nick snorted. "Of course it's not a family car," he said. He broke into a full-out grin. "But it is a baby-making car."

He made pointed glances to the seat I was sitting in. My body tensed. I was sitting in Nick goo. I just knew it. Sure, it was probably dried or evaporated, or whatever, but I was still contaminated.

"You're acting weird," Nick pouted. "You'd usually ask me something about how I managed to maneuver around the gear shift.

I exhaled loudly. It wasn't even day one and even Nick was suspicious.

"Sorry," I said. "I've just been having issues."

"What kinda issues?"

What kinda issues did J have? I was still struggling with the depression, but it was getting better. AJ didn't HAVE any other issues. Except...

"Drinking," I lied.

"Dude, I thought you kicked that."

"It's hard. You know that."

Nick nodded. "I know. But, Becky says that drinking leads to importance so I don't do it as much as I did before."

"Importance?"

"Yeah, yanno." Nick made a lifting motion with his fingers. "Your junk starts off like this and thirty seconds later..." Nick lowered his fingers, sagging them pathetically. "I don't want importance. Do you?"

Oh, Nick. I bit the inside of my cheek. "You mean impotence."

"That's what I said!" Nick exclaimed. "Ya don't want a soggy balloon when your lady wants a pillar of strength," he said wisely. Or as wisely as Nick got.

"Well, I'll make it my job to keep you too busy to even think about drinking," Nick said. He held out his hand, clenched in a fist.

I had seen Nick and J do their bro-shake a million times before. But seeing and doing are two totally different things. I sloppily mimicked his motions. Nick pulled up to a light, his hand hanging sideways and me not sure what came next.

"Okay, what's going on?"

"On?"

"There's something wrong. I can't put my finger on it, but I mean your doing this handshake like Howie."

I choked. "What?!"

"D can't remember dance steps. Lord only knows he couldn't remember a handshake." Nick smiled. "What did you two do? Switch bodies?"

I paled.

Nick gave a bark of laughter. "Just joking! Are you hung over?"

He looked concerned. I had no choice but to nod. Nick sighed.

"What are we going to do with you?"

"I don't know, Nick," I said quietly. "I don't know."

Nick didn't bother me for the rest of the drive. He knew well that talking and hangovers didn't mix. We got to the airport just a few minutes late. For Backstreet time, that was impressive.

It wasn't a secret that we were starting the tour; ergo, we had fans waiting for us. A LOT of fans.

And they all seemed to want Nick. And AJ. Besides our little trips to Latin America, I was never mauled.

I never knew how scary it could be.

Unknown McLean Fact #15: One time when we were in Canada during the Millennium tour, Nick and AJ decided to go fishing. They bought about a thousand dollars worth of clothes and equipment and rented a small boat. Unfortunately, a couple fans tracked them down. Two Backstreet Boys + Two Insane Canadian Fans = One scene right out of the movie 'Jaws'. Nick and J both came back with only one rubber boat, suspenders, and their boxer briefs. When I asked what they caught, they both said (jokingly) 'Herpes.'
Chapter 16 by evergreenwriter83
Chapter Sixteen

"I hate how Nick drives. Good Lord, look at him. What's he got a leadfoot?" Brian grumbled. He was doing exactly 42. It was a 50 zone. I pressed my forehead against the window, and thought about putting my head through said window. It was very tempting. "He's speeding." Brian hadn't stopped complaining since we'd pulled out of Nick's driveway.

Brian also has the old-lady tendency to speed up, then slow down... speed up, then slow down... speed up, then slow down... So that you're left rocking in the passanger seat with the velocity of the car. Especially in traffic.

I watched longingly as Nick's blue convertible zipped through traffic.

When we got to LAX, Brian pulled his SUV up and dropped the valet keys into the waitin hands of the guys waiting to park the two cars in - wherever they park cars while their owners are gone. Storage? Do they have one of those rotating racks like the carpet at the Home Depot? I'd never really thought about it before.

I would've bet Howie would've known where they put the cars, though, so I didn't ask Brian. Even though I kinda wanted to.

Brian and I carried our carry-on bags across the walkway, security appearing out of no where and flanking our sides. We were following Nick and Howie -who looked like me- by about a dozen or so feet. Brian was still on Nick's driving safety habits. I was practicing my not listening skills.

Suddenly, I heard the shrill, high-pitched, unmistakable sound of a female scream.

The fans.

Nick's face broke into a grin that was something akin to turning on a lamp. I felt myself speed up to catch up with him. No way in hell was Carter beating me to those women again. As I rushed by him, I heard, "Howie...?" come from Brian, and I glanced back to see what Howie was doing, and realized he meant me.

Crap.

D - the real D, the one who looked like me - had come to a complete stop.

Nick whipped his arms in the air at the top of the escalators - from the bottom of which the screams were issuing forth. His arms in the air like a V, Nick shouted down at them, "HEY EVERYBODY!! BACKSTREET'S BACK!" He grinned wildly as he began trotting down the escalator -- the up, might I add. He glanced back over his shoulder, the escalator carrying him back up to us as he stopped his trotting efforts. "J??" he called, "C'mon! There's sexy women to be viewed! CHOP CHOP."

Instinctively I started to move forward again.

Howie looked back at Brian and rolled his eyes. "Ay dios..." he muttered.

Both our eyes widened.

Brian raised his eyebrow. "You guys are being really weird today."

"ARRGGH!" Nick's cry echoed up the escalators, "CAREFUL LADIES! THERE'S ENOUGH NICK TO GO AROUND!!!"

Brian looked between us, "Is something going on?" He eyed Howie. "Are you drunk?"

Howie froze. "Um.. hung-hungover," he muttered.

My eyes widened. "Don't you dare start that rumor!" I snapped.

"What do you want me to say?" Howie snapped back.

"Something not going against all the hard work I've done over the last few months would be special!" I yelled.

"All the hard work you've -- BULL SHIT," Howie responded. He pointed my black-polished finger tips into my face, "Hard work, that's a load of crock."

"YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW!" I bellowed.

"YOU HAVE IT EASY!" he bellowed back.

Brian, whose head had been following between us like a ping-pong match, said, "Whoa whoa you guys, chill the heck out, what's going on?"

I looked at Brian and realized how odd we currently looked.

"I dunno, we've been fighting, I'm sorry," Howie said, "I've been a real asshole to Howie lately is all," he said. "I mean, Howie really does have it a lot harder than me."

"YOU? YOU? Harder than ME?" I growled, "WHAT THE HELL!?"

Brian blinked in confusion. "Actually, D- he said--"

"I HEARD WHAT HE SAID!"

Brian blinked.

Howie rolled his eyes, "I know I'm just such a drama queen little girl that some might start to think I have it worse than everyone else on the planet..."

"That's it," I snapped, "You're so paying for this." I started towards the escalator, following the sounds of Nick's delighted squeals.

"Yeah? Ohh thats scary, you're gonna get mobbed?" he snorted.

"Oh I've got far worse planned for you, you conceited Mexican prick."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


AJ walked up to Nick, wrapping an arm around his neck. A couple girls almost looked like I (well J) had just ruined the vision that was and is Nick Carter by wrapping my arm around his perfect bod. (Okay, I'll admit it. I am a little jealous of Nick. He's not very smart but he was born with height, looks, and an amazing voice.)

"How-ie doin' ladies?" J said. I scowled. I hadn't used that line in awhile. I had given it up around the time of 'the wink.' Well...I hadn't given up 'the wink' cold turkey. It sometimes slipped out when I least expected it.

"Guess who's single and ready to mingle?" he shouted.

Nick's eyes widened. "NOT ME!" He turned to the fans and smiled. "But ya can still love me!" Again he threw his hands out, doing a horrible impersonation of Richard Nixon descending from the plane. The girls collectively 'aww-ed.'

"No, not Nick!" J said. "Aye crumb-bamba! It's me! C'mon ladies you know you want a piece of the D!"

The D? The D?!

I hit the escalator hard. Unfortunately it was the same one Nick had used, the up one. I struggled to gain momentum even as the thing was pushing me back up. Bri was on my heels still rambling.

"J, drinking is not the answer. Corinthians..."

I didn't hear what he said about Corinthians. A thousand angry bees swarmed my eardrums as I watched AJ take off my shirt.

Now, here's the thing. I might be last in the poll of favorite Backstreet Boys (it was pretty sad that Kev still beat me), but ladies did appreciate my body. Leigh always tells me that I actually get cuter as I get older. Of course, it's not without hard work. And lately I had been working hard. I had seen a picture of me from the summer before looking flabby in the gut. I had gotten my six-pack back. And the fans...the fans couldn't help but appreciate it.

"Can I have your number? Wanna touch this? Yeah, lower."

Nick was standing there, gawking, for once shuttered from the center of attention. Security was having a hell of a time keeping J (well, me) safe. My chest was getting sliced and diced by well manicured nails and I think a couple girls actually touched my junk. The grin on J's face had me seeing red. He swiveled his groin. I lowered my head and jumped the last ten steps off the escalator. I fell hard. The pain in my knee rendered me breathless. I curled up, bringing the leg to my chest and sucking in breath like a fish.

"J! Speak to me!"

Bri rolled me over on my back. "Is it your knee?"

"No it's my ass!" I hissed, holding the throbbing cap. "Yes, it's my knee!"

The crowd got quiet. I saw my own tennis shoes stop by my head.

"Are you okay?" J whispered.

"Fuck off, McLean!"

"McLean?" Nick and Bri said simultaneously.

Fifteen minutes later, I was sitting on the plane with my knee wrapped in ice. Brian had agreed to sit by me. AJ and Nick were sitting behind us. I was trying my best not to turn around and wrap my hands around my own throat. Leigh was going to shit if any of those pictures of me acting like a stripper came out.

"When we land, the first thing you gotta do is get that checked out," Bri said, cutting through my thoughts of mutiny.

"I know."

The pain had already subsided. Admittedly, I had overreacted. I had hit the side of the knee that gave the same jerk reaction as when you hit your funny bone. My knee had stopped twinging even before they had put the ice on it.

"Is there anything you want to tell me?" Bri said patiently. He was wearing a lime green shirt with Leigh's face on it. That wasn't so bad considering he always wore Wylee shirts. But this one had rhinestones. I wondered for a fleeting moment if it was a women's tee in disguise.

"Like what?"

"Like what you and Howie are smoking?"

"It's nothing."

Bri shook his head disbelievingly. He opened a package of airplane nuts. I watched him shove one up each nostril. He turned around.

"Hey Niccccccckkkk..."

That started a half hour nose nut fight between Frick and Frack. Luckily, it kept attention off of me and J. I buckled up and curled up in my seat.

They didn't call me Sleepy D for nothing. I was out before the flight attendant even went over oxygen instructions.

Unknown McLean Fact #16: When we hit it big in Europe early on, we had to spend a lot of time away from home. AJ had this stuffed animal and ratty blanket he carried in the bottom of his tiny nylon suitcase to keep from getting homesick. One time the suitcase didn't turn up at our stop and AJ freaked out. The airport swore that it had been scanned and sent through. Kevin ended up climbing into the luggage carousel and untangling it from a couple hooks it had gotten snagged on. It was the first time I had seen AJ cry. It certainly wasn't the last.
Chapter 17 by evergreenwriter83
Chapter Seventeen

"It's really weird," Nick was saying on the way out of the terminal, "You slept like the whoooole trip, J, and Howie didn't even shut his eyes. What the hell was up with that?" He laughed as he went to do our friendship-shoulder-punch... This ended in him accidentlly having shoved Howie -in my body- against the wall.

Howie stumbled, "What the hell was that for?" he grouched.

Nick looked taken aback, "Sorry," he muttered, "I just - we always -" he pouted, then turned away, his footsteps slowing until he was trailing along behind us all, moping. Howie stormed on ahead, clenching his fingers.

Brian glanced at me. "What's wrong with AJ?" he asked, raising an eyebrow, "Troubles in paradise, you think?"

"What?"

Brian shrugged, "He's acting like he's having issues with Rochelle or something," he explained.

"Rochelle," I said quickly, "Is perfect, thank you very much."

Brian stared at me a long moment. "D can we talk?" he asked.

"Is it about your sex life?"

"No..."

"Then yes, shoot."

Brian's eyebrow raised. "Are you having a midlife crisis?" he asked me.

"Midlife--" I stammered, "What???"

Brian shrugged, "I dunno, you seem... weird, like you're trying to be AJ or something." He paused. "It's not really working for you. Especially that -er- display at the airport..." Brian shook his head. "Is something going on with you and Leigh?"

I stared at my hands. "No," I muttered.

Brian's eyebrows puckered. "D... You can talk to me, what's up man?"

I looked up at Brian. He looked so concerned. "Nothin'," I mumbled, "It's all good."

Brian smiled slightly, "D... Seriously, stop trying to sound like AJ."

I laughed nervously as Brian led the way to the luggage carousel. These things scare the bejesus out of me. Every time I travel, I lose luggage. I sighed and waited to see Howie's stupid purple suitcases come out of the spinner.

What MAN owns purple suitcases?

"NICK STOP IT GOD DAMN YOU!" I heard me - er, Howie - yell from across lobby of the airport, "I DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT BECKY'S TITS!"

A hush fell over the room.

I looked at Brian.

"Well, that's a first for AJ," he laughed.

"I wouldn't mind hearing about 'em," I muttered -- at exactly the same time that Brian continued, "Normally he wouldn't mind hearing about 'em."

We stared at each other for a long, long moment...

"How--" Brian started to ask, but then Howie appeared at Brian's elbow.

"Howie," he said through clenched teeth, "I need to talk to you. In private."

I blinked up at him. He was livid. I blinked at Brian. He was about to ask me questions.

"Be right back Rok," I said, choosing the lesser of two evils. I pushed around him and followed him away from the luggage carousel.

Howie yanked me into the men's bathroom. "Nick needs to stop," he snapped, "For the love of all that is holy, TELL ME WHERE HIS OFF BUTTON IS."

"There isn't one," I said.

"What?"

"There. Is. No. Off. Button. He doesn't stop. He just keeps going and going and going -- like the energizer bunny. Nick is a big, giant, pink, drum-beating rabbit and the tune he pounds is sex sex, sex sex, sex sex..."

Howie reached to grab his hair but found I didn't have any and swore loudly in Spanish instead. "I'm sick of being in your body man!" he screamed, the words echoing off the walls, "Your body is weird and it smells bad, and DUDE when did you get that piercing in your --"

A toilet flushed.

We both looked at the stall.

Nick stepped out.

His eyes were wide.

I looked at Howie.

"Yo... Bro..." Howie said lamely.

Nick's eyes were still wide.

".....Hola," I said, pronouncing the H.

Howie looked at me. "It's OLA you gringo!"

Nick gasped.

We both looked at him again. "Nick," Howie said quietly, "We can expl--"

"BRIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIII-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Nick bolted past us, shoving us both into the walls and out the door.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


"Okay, so we're going to all be calm and talk like adults," Bri said.

We were gathered in Nick's hotel room. Already he had no fewer than three jerseys scattered on the floor. He had his face stuck in the room service menu. Bri looks at me and J.

"HOW IN THE WORLD DID YOU TWO SWITCH BODIES?!"

Nick flung the menu in the air, his eyes wide.

"What happened to calm?" he shrieked. "I think it's cool! Now when J and I hang out I'll automatically get all the fan love."

J raised my middle finger and scowled. I was trying to rub all the pen marks off J's sneaker with my thumb. Writing on your shoes was a disgusting habit.

It would have made a great Unknown McLean Fact too. Damnit, I just wasted one.

Anyhow, Bri's nostrils were flaring so fast that I was waiting for some little mini alien creature to flop out and attack us all. I gave up on erasing the shoe graffiti and sighed.

"We had an argument. We ended up in the hospital and--"

"Becky's hospital?" Nick asked happily.

"No." I said. "Besides, she doesn't own hospital. No hospital is her hospital."

Nick scowled. "I don't like you fake-J."

"Wait," Bri said. "J, er, Howie, go on."

"We continued arguing in the hospital and all of a sudden there was this woosh and--"

"And I ended up in hell. Puerto Rican hell," J finished.

Nick looked impressed. He smiled as if the best thought in the world had just occured to him. "If you guys aren't in the right body that means you've had to touch each others--"

"Don't," I said. "We are never in a million years talking about anything like that."

"Which reminds me. I got the piercing the same time Ro got her--"

I covered my ears. I wanted a complete mental epidural.

"Do Ro and Leigh know?" Brian said. He still looked doubtful. Brian and I were both well versed in the Bible. Nowhere did it say that Thou Shall Be Punished By Random Body Switching.

"Yeah, they know."

"Did anything fun happen when they didn't know?" Nick asked. He nudged me (well J). "Huh? Huh?"

"Nothing fun happened."

Nick looked disappointed. Bri looked thoughtful. "I dunno. If I accidentally switched with Nick, I might not be able to help myself..."

We all looked at him. He turned as pink as the silk hankie hanging out of his jeans pocket. I saw the silver curling W at the end. Yet another new Wylee product.

"With my Becky?" Nick said. He punched Bri's shoulder. "You jerk!" Then he smiled and winked. "You wouldn't be disappointed. But I wouldn't wanna be you. You're too short."

"Guys?"

Nick and Bri turned to look at me. "This isn't about you."

I made a motion between me and J. Nick stretched out, sticking his legs in the middle of our circle.

"What hospital was it? Maybe it was like a Witch hospital. Oooh maybe it was crazy lady from Hansel and Gretel. Maker of good candy, eater of small children."

Bri burst out laughing. I stood up.

"Aww c'mon," Nick complained. "You're no fun. You look fun, but you're not in here. And now Howie's fun but he looks all boring on the outside. I'm confused."

"Join the crowd."

"Yanno, maybe Nick's right," J said. "Remember that nurse? She looked vaguely familiar. And grumpy."

Nick's eyes widened. "Did she look like a toad?"

I shook my head. "Not really like a toad," I mused. "More like...more like that lady who wore all pink and liked cats in Harry Potter."

"Professor Umbridge?" J asked. I snapped my (well, his) fingers.

"Yeah, exactly!"

"Ohm-gawd!" Nick yelled. "Nurse Hatchet!"

"What?"

"I bet it's the same one that was all mean to my Becky and tried to kill me!"

"Nick," Bri said. "That's just what Kevin told you. Remember he had that mental breakdown thinking you were a goner..."

"So?" Nick dug his phone out of his pocket. "I'm gonna call Becky. She can just see if Nurse Evil works there."

"And if she does?" J questioned.

"Then Becky will make her change you back!"

J and I looked at each other. Nick always made things sound simple. But I could tell J felt the same way I did.

There was no such thing as witches. And this switch wasn't going to be fixed so easily.

"D and I need to talk alone," J said. "We're going to my room."

Bri looked worried. "Okay. But, we have to talk about how this is going to work. You have to learn each other's parts and dance moves and--"

He was beginning to have a panic attack. His forehead was getting shiny. I patted the air in his direction. "We won't be long. Promise."

J scrambled to his feet and we headed to the door. The last thing I heard was Nick saying something about being a private investigator...that also did private dances.

Unknown McLean Fact #17: AJ hates to admit he's wrong in front of a whole group of people. If he has to apologize, he always does it in private. It's not because he's too proud; it's because he's emotional. And he's a hugger.
Chapter 18 by evergreenwriter83
Chapter Eighteen

I pulled Howie into our hotel room and closed the door. He looked like he already knew what was coming. We stood there awkwardly, staring at each other. I took a deep breath, "Howie I'm--"

"No, J, I'm sorry," Howie blurted before I could get the words out.

I stared at him.

"I had no idea you felt like this all the time," he muttered, staring at his toes, "It's- I- It's awful."

I rubbed the toe of my shoe against the carpet. "I'm sorry too, D," I mumbled.

"Why? Hell, my life is good," Howie rambled, "I'm happy, I don't feel like crap..." he frowned.

"You have so much responsibility," I answered, "It's crazy. It's like constantly everything is running through my head- constantly thinking about everything and worrying about everyone and... and listening to Brian's sex life -- Oh my God."

"At least Brian turns off!" Howie exclaimed, "And Jesus some of the stuff Nick's done is just..."

"I KNOW," I gasped, "You'd never imagine..."

"I wouldn't want to imagine!" Howie retorted.

We stared at each other. I sighed, "D... I was wrong, saying that your life was perfect. I - I didn't really think about anything except how sorry for myself I was."

"I know, and I didnt understand that at the time, but... I - I do now!" Howie said, "And I'm sorry too, for saying you had an easy life, because there's nothing easy about this."

"C'mere." I grabbed him by the shirt and pulled him into me, wrapping my lil short latinized arms around him. "Shit D, I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry, too," he sniffled.

The sniffle was all it took. I started bawling like a baby...

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


"So I got some good news and I got some bad news."

Nick plucked a Ranch Dorito out of the big blue bag he was straddling between his legs, licked both sides of the chip, and then stuck it in his mouth. J and I watched him chew about three million times.

"What? What?" J demanded.

"Well..." Nick plucked out another chip, but before he could lick it, I yanked it out of his hands.

"Hey! That's mine!"

"I thought you were eating healthy!"

"I'm practicing my sympathy eating!" he protested.

J paled. It was weird to see me pale. "Becky's pregnant?"

Nick grinned. "Nope. Not yet. But I'm aiming for our wedding night. I'm gearing my guys up." He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

I so didn't want to hear this.

"That's really nice," I said. "But what's the news?"

"What news? The good or bad?"

"Both!"

"You've gotta pick one."

I felt like a bull; I was sure if I had to play Nick's games much longer I was really going to see red.

"The good news then," I said through gritted teeth.

"The good? There was good news? Hmm...oh yeah!" Nick leaned back and smiled. "My Becky tracked down Nurse Ribbit. She is the same one that was so mean to me."

Nick pouted. My pulse picked up. "And?"

"Well, Becky worked her magic...not like real magic, but--"

"NICK!" I bellowed.

Nick sighed. He looked at J who was trying not to laugh. "Man, I miss you. I don't like this. It's like you're glaring at me," he whined. "I'm used to Howie doing it, but not you."

J leaned forward and patted Nick's knee. "Dude, I will never glare at you ever if you get us changed back."

Nick shook his head. "Well, it's not that easy."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"See, that's kinda the bad news. Nurse Hatchett told Becky that she can't change you back. That's up to you guys."

"But we've tried everything," J complained.

"Nu-uh. You two have been at each other's throats until like fifteen minutes ago when I walked in on you guys like making out," Nick said smugly.

He had a point. Not about the making out thing, but we had been pretty vicious to each other. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Bri lean forward; he ran his fingers along his scarf. AJ looked like he wanted to take the end and pull. We both needed our preferred Backstreet Boy back.

"Okay, we've been nasty, but we've made up. We're cool. So that should be it right?" I said hopefully.

"Maybe not," J said quietly. I looked at him in surprise.

"What?"

J leaned back and smiled. "You helped me..." he pointedly stared at his crotch. "I still need to help you."

I shook my head. "No. I refuse--"

"D, whatever it is, do it," Bri pleaded. "I can't talk to you as AJ about...things."

J rolled his eyes. I was distracted by Nick. He had found a pack of balloons. He blew up one, then the other. He pulled at the neck of his shirt, stuffed them down, and started playing with them.

"J?" I said slowly.

"Yeah?"

"I'll happily accept your help. Just tell me what I need to do to get it done."

Nick shook his head. "Becky's are much squishier." Bri, somehow ignoring the blonde, nodded happily. "We've got, yikes, three hours before soundcheck. Can you guys do this?"

We stared at each other. J nodded. I took a deep breath.

"Three hours? That's plenty of time," I said.

"Let's roll," J said seriously.

Unknown McLean Fact #18: When J was seventeen, I helped sneak him into a porn store without his mom knowing. He bought this busty blow-up doll and we named it Tiffany. She pretty much became the group's unofficial mascot. Kevin tried to avoid it like the plague, but Brian kept finding creative ways to sneak it into his cousin's bunk. AJ would die if he ever found out I knew, but one day I walked in on him 'practicing' on Tiffany (in Kevin's bunk, no less). Needless to say, soon after, Tiffany suffered a tragic accident by giant safety pin. After that, AJ just transferred his affections onto the real deal. Rochelle should really thank me, because, you've got to admit, there's a big difference between real and plastic.
Chapter 19 by evergreenwriter83
Chapter Nineteen

"Hurry, hurry... HURRY..." I was urging Howie as he drove the rented car through the traffic. He was driving worse than fricking Brian had. "Howie, dude, I swear to fucking God -- a bus load of nuns just left us in the dust."

"I'm doing the speedlimit, AJ," he said pointedly, "It's called the law..."

"Dude don't get pissed at me now," I snapped, "If you get pissed we set ourselves back. Especially if the bank closes before we get this shit done."

"I still can't believe you're making me do this."

"FATE is making us do this," I retorted. Howie put on his blinker and glanced in the rear view mirror, inching carefully into the next lane. I smacked my forehead to my face. "I knew we should've had fricking Nick drive."

"NICK? Nick drive?" Howie snorted, "You call what he does driving? Really?"

I tapped my nail against the window, "You can go. DO IT. Do it."

"There's a car coming, seriously J--"

I wanted to wring his Mexican neck. Well, right now it was a tattooed neck - mine, to be exact. I pressed my forehead against the window as several seconds later the car he'd yielded to unneccesarily had passed by. "Dude," I muttered, glancing at my watch, "Dude, we've got like five minutes, okay? You need to put the pedal to the metal."

"AJ, I swear to God if you don't stop bitching..."

"What? What'll you do? Huh? Not accept the big ass check you're about to deposit into your bank account?" I prodded, "Please."

"Shut up."

I stared out the window. I could faintly see the blue and red logo, glowing from down the street. Bank of America. The land of switch-me-back. I looked at Howie. I looked at the clock. The blinker ticked.

"FUCKING A! GET OUT OF THE CAR!" I yelled.

"What?" Howie looked up, startled.

I slammed the door opened, ran around the nose of the vehicle, wrenched open his door and yelled, "GET OUT!"

"NO! You are not breaking the law to --"

"TO MAKE US NORMAL?" I yelled, "Shut the fuck up and move!"

Howie grumbled, but he got out and went around to the passenger seat while I threw myself in behind the wheel. With the fastest glance ever, I didn't wait. I slammed my foot on the gas pedal and the car careened into the center lane. A symphony of horns blared behind me as I quickly cut off the right hand lane, too. Howie had grabbed the handle over his head on the passanger door and was squeezing his eyes shut. "Ayyyyyyyyyeeee ee," he was wailing, and muttering what sounded like a prayer under his breath.

Pansy.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


I was pretty sure I had wet AJ's pants by the time we careened to a stop. AJ yanked open the driver's side door and did a very 'James Bond'-sian type of move. I got out and made sure that my (well J's) bones were where they should be.

"C'mon! C'mon!" AJ chanted. He reminded me of a basset hound. He was giving me my OWN puppy dog eyes and practically howling.

He got to the front doors before I did. I followed him. One little old lady was up at the front with a teller. Another teller smiled our way.

"Can I help you?"

J gave me the 'eye' and I swallowed hard. I walked up and pulled out J's checkbook, his ID, and a couple other pieces of identification. "I need to make a withdrawal."

"How much?"

I felt like I had a mouth full of poprocks. J leaned against the counter and winked at the old lady. She giggled.

He was flirting with a granny. Aye carumba, I needed to hurry.

"I need to withdraw five hundred thousand."

The teller looked surprised. "Five hundred thousand?"

"Yes ma'am."

Ten minutes later the bank was empty except for myself, J, the teller, and the bank manager. After staring at all of the paperwork, the manager seemed satisfied.

"Do it."

I think AJ was a little disappointed that I didn't ask for one of those jumbo checks. Instead, I asked for cash. The money was counted out in stacks that made my head spin. When the teller finally said 'Five hundred thousand,' J opened my wallet. He smiled.

"Can I make a deposit?"

"You're just lucky we bank at the same place," I said as we walked out a half hour later. J glanced at his (well, my) watch. "We have thirty minutes to get back to the venue for the show." He held up the keys. "I'm driving."

"J..."

"Do you want us to be late? Besides, if we're lucky we'll switch back halfway there."

"And if we don't?"

AJ made a face. "Then we have to go onstage and not fuck this up."

"No offense, but my stage presence is much different than years."

"Yeah, that's because I sexify the stage," J said. He opened his door. I opened mine. I didn't respond until we had both buckled in.

"What's that mean? I sexify the stage! I'm Latino. I ooze sexy."

"No, you add flavor. Kinda like when you go to Taco Bell and ask for a whole bunch of those sauce packets. You're the sauce."

"What are you?"

J's smile widened. "I'm the man that eats the taco."

I wrinkled my nose. "Is that a metaphor?"

"What do you think?"

"I think you spend too much time with Nick."

We looked at each other; AJ cranked the engine and there was only one thing we could do.

We started to laugh.

Unknown McLean Fact #19: AJ is the only Backstreet Boy that can't roll his 'r's.' My theory is that his tongue ring prevents it. AJ's excuse is that he reserves his tongue for other, more important things. I've always been tempted to ask him why he can't multitask, but then I'd probably get more unknown information that I DON'T want to know.
Chapter 20 by evergreenwriter83
Chapter Twenty

The music pounded around us like a heart beat. The lights had just gone out, the fans were going beserk, their screams echoing off the walls of the venue in cascades. We were bustling to line up behind the screen. Nick had tripped twice over his own two feet and nearly taken me out on the way down once. Howie was standing in my position, me in his. We exchanged nervous glances and Brian worriedly looked between both of us. "Are you sure you guys can do this?" he called, his voice pitching with nerves.

Needless to say, we had not changed back at the deposit of the fundage, nor had we changed back on the way back from Bank of America. We'd literally only had time to change clothes before the show. We'd missed soundcheck and Nick had boastfully informed us that he'd managed to keep the ladied entertained without us there. ("And I successfully managed to keep all of his clothing on his body," Brian had added, rolling his eyes.)

Now we were moments away from seeing how much attention Howie and I paid to each other during the show. After the part where we jump through the screen, I really am not sure what else Howie does. I'd never watched him, I'd always been too busy sexifying the stage.

"Good luck man," he said quietly.

"Thanks," I whispered, "You too."

Nick shook his head, making his lips flap like a dog's, then muttered, "Workin' the magic.. workin the magic..."

The music started to speed up, and I glanced at Brian at my side. Brian's eyes glowed, then he turned to face forward, and I did the same. My heart beat was practically coming out of my chest. I clenched my fists. The cue was nearly there... one.. two... three....

We all jumped forward.

Not used to Howie's frame, though, I managed to catch my sneaker on the screen and, rather than the graceful, sci-fi-like landing we usually acheived with this stunt, I managed to trip out, and land flat on my face on the stage.

An interesting combination of things happened when I hit the floor. First of all, the crowd screamed cos we were there - very few noticed me fall (they were probably all looking at Nick, who had also not noticed me fall and was standing stock still). Brian leaped toward me, a helpful Christian kind of look on his face. He grabbed my wrist and started to pull me up and I started cussing. Howie leaned around Nick to peer at me. "You okay?" he called.

"Guys you're ruining it," Nick hissed.

"Sorry," I snapped at Nick, "I fell down."

At this point the fans had noticed, and some were laughing. Brian tugged me to my feet. "Bow," he hissed, "Howie always bows when he screws up choreography."

How often did Howie screw up on stage that Brian - and the fans - knew this trait of his?

I sank into a bow and vowed to myself to watch Howie more often. I was evidently missing a ton of opportunities to blackmail the guy.

As the show began, and our dancers emerged, we trotted down the staircases to the main stage. I was not looking forward to trying to remember the choreography. It'd been awhile since we'd practiced it, and doing it from a different angle, too, didn't help. Plus, now I was behind Nick and could see all the mistakes he was making, which threw me off, too. Nick was grinning like a hyena, all the fans screaming and reaching for him.

At the first costume change, Howie and I bumped into each other, both trying ot get into his changing area. "Dude," I snapped, grabbing Howie's pants out of his hands, "These are mine tonight, remember?"

"Crap," Howie bounced to my area and started yanking on my second set clothes.

Nick peeked around the wardrobe rack, "Hey guys?" he asked, "Is it weird stripping each other?"

"Shut up Nick," Howie snapped.

Nick giggled and ducked back behind the rack.

I looked at D. "How am I doing?"

"Besides not acting a thing like me? Great," Howie responded, fighting with the black vest I wore in the second set.

"Me not acting like you?" I demanded, affronted, "I'm acting like you..."

"Yeah okay."

"You aren't bringing sexy back as me, though, let me tell you," I said, "You're acting all... drab."

"Drab?" Howie retorted. He turned to stare at me. "What do you want me to do? Hump the damn stage again?"

"It'd be better than twirling like a ballerina."

"Ballerina?! It's not my fault your damn knee kicks you out of alignment!"

"Don't blame my body for your lack of ability to bring the heat!"

"Bring the heat?" he snapped back, "Please."

"I bring heat!"

Nick peeked around the rack again, "Y'all ready yet?" he asked.

Howie pulled the vest on roughly. "Oh, I'm ready all right," he snapped, shoving by me.

"BASTARD," I yelled.

Nick blinked in surprise, "Dude," he muttered, "Is it something I said?"


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


The show was turning into a disaster quickly. I was sure that any fans that were capturing it on camera could successfully turn it in to America's Funniest Home Videos and make some serious cash.

It was impossible not to argue with J. I had never realized how much we really did bicker back and forth. Was that what friends did? I didn't really know the rules.

"We put the 'fun' in dysfunction," AJ mumbled. I looked at him in surprise. "What?" he asked.

"I was just thinking about that," I said. "We really are dysfunctional."

J grinned. "Yeah, we are. Now, if that knee keeps popping and you keep tippy-toeing I'm going to make you wear a tutu during the last costume change."

My eyes widened. J nudged me with my elbow. I had never realized how pointy it was before.

"It's such a 'me' thing to do, y'know?"

I nodded. I knew that wearing a tutu would be AJ's idea of a good time. He wasn't below poking fun at himself.

"Hey guys, you're going back onstage any time today?" Nick asked. J and I smiled at each other. We had already fouled up every single dance routine, J had tripped on my face, and I had broken into a perfect salsa dance with my very confused dancer. What more could happen?It was time to just have fun with it.

Twenty minutes later, Bri's face was a weird shade of 'tomato' and Nick was holding his side, his lengthy frame leaning against a beam that shook unsteadily. I fluffed out the rough netting of the bright pink tutu.

"That's awesome."

"Do I always look this ridiculous when I do shit like this?" J asked. He was watching me, arms fulled, his (well, my) eyes totally amused.

"Yes," Brian, Nick, and I said in unison.

Brian left, still chuckling to begin the 'Straight through my Heart' routine. I took a deep breath.

"Y'know," J said quietly. "If I had to be stuck in someone else's body, at least I'm stuck in yours."

I looked at him in surprise. He was having one of those rare moments when his guard was completely down. I wrapped an arm around his (my) shoulders and squeezed.

"I feel the same way," I said. By now I had come to terms with the punishment. It wasn't going to be easy, but we were both alive. Over time we could get Ro and Leigh to come to live with it. It wasn't like they had lost us. After all, what is a person if not a soul?

My philosophical way of thinking was brought to an end as Nick ran out, arms flapping like a pigeon. I dropped my arm and J and I ran out.

I will never forget the exact moment when it happened. The fans, laughing hysterically at yet another crazy AJ stunt were showering me with more attention than I had ever gotten in my life. I hit the floor, goofing off in mock-hump. AJ stood behind me and did that whole 'slap-ass' motion. For a second I was horror-stricken at the realization that I felt seconds away from fainting. Things became hazy and all I could feel was the strong wind in my face.

As quickly as it had come on, the light-headedness faded. Suddenly I was the one air-slapping and I was staring at AJ's tutu'd ass.

It was the best sight in the world.

Unknown McLean Fact #20: AJ might claim that his favorite movies are 'Fight Club' and 'Fast and Furious,' but I know for a fact that he has (and regularly watches) 'The Tooth Fairy' and 'Kindergarten Cop' in his DVD collection. There's something about feminine action-heroes that AJ likes; I think it's because they're a reflection of his true self.
Epilogue by evergreenwriter83
Epilogue


"Lookoutcomingthroughexcuseme please!!!!" I shoved past several people with ailments - bloody noses, a broken wrist, and what looked like a very severe bout of a stomach virus - and collapsed against the receptionist's desk. "Wife," I gasped, "...Baby... coming out of wife..."

The woman, who seemed far too calm for the situation, nodded and picked up a clipboard. "I just need you to sign here.. here.. and here..." she started to hand it to me, with a pen, when I heard Brian's wailing like a siren - he was hopped up on adrenaline - and the automatic doors broke open, Howie clutching the handles on a wheel chair, Rochelle screaming loudly, Nick clutching Becky's arm and Brian bouncing in circles around the lot of them.

"Where am I taking her?" gasped Howie, rushing past all the sick people I'd just shoved aside. Nick hesitated slightly to gape at the bloody nose guy - I have to admit it was pretty gruesome - but Becky yanked his arm, hard, and got him back to the program.

"I gotta fill out paper work," I answered. The look on her face told me, though, that I would be filling it out from a private room -- Rochelle would handle this.

"I have a fucking CHILD coming out of my VAGINA," she bellowed loudly at the receptionist, "I WANT A ROOM RIGHT NOW!"

"You tell 'em, Monkee," I said supportively.

"SHUT UP," she screamed at me.

I ducked behind Howie, who smirked, "It's okay man," he said, "They get vicious when they're pregnant."

Nick looked at Becky. "Are you gonna be vicious when you're preggers Becky-beck- beckers?" he asked.

Becky, instead of answering him, stepped up. "Excuse me," she said, resting a supportive hand on Rochelle's shoulder, "I'm a nurse here, I need a room assignment for my friend here. We're quite far along, and honestly I'm worried we'll deliver here in the ER if you don't get us up to the delivery room..."

"I AM NOT HAVING A BABY IN A FUCKING WAITING ROOM!" Rochelle screamed. Several of the people waiting looked up, alarmed. One woman covered her child's ears AND his eyes, glaring at Ro-Ro.

"Will it really come out her va-jay-jay?" Nick hissed to Brian.

Brian nodded silently, but solemnly. "I've seen it," he said quietly, shuddering.

"Let me call up and see if they have a space available..." the receptionist said.

Howie rolled his eyes, "Oh for crying outloud," he groaned.

Rochelle suddenly grabbed my arm and squeezed. "OH MY. GOD," she panted.

I dropped to my knees. "OH my GOD!" I echoed, but for entirely different reasons.

Becky shook her head, "Fuck this. C'mon Howie. This way." Becky shoved through two doors and Howie pushed the wheelchair along the hallway, Rochelle still squeezing the life out of my arm. As Becky led us through the maze of beige and teal hospital hallways, I heard Nick muttering to Brian that he didn't wanna see a baby come out of nobody's va-jay-jay.

"Don't worry," I snapped, turning around, "You aren't invited anywhere near my wife's vagina!"

Nick's eyes widened. "Good!" he said. He paused, then looked at Becky, "I got plenty of va-jay-jay of my own!" he said haughtily.

"Yeah pretty soon that one's gonna have a baby coming out of it too," muttered Becky, pushing open a door to a delivery wing and running ahead of us toward the receptionist's desk. Her face was red, and she bolted too fast for Nick to respond.

Nick froze in the doorway. The swinging doors slammed him in the ass and he stumbled forward, grabbing Brian's arm to keep from falling down. Brian was grinning like a banshee. "Did she just - did she - is she --???" Nick's eyes were the size of beach balls.

"Great," I muttered, "Another Nick. Just what the world needs."

"HELLO? FOCUS ON THE ONE ABOUT TO POP PLEASE, MCLEAN!" shouted my beautiful, mild mannered wife as she nearly ripped my arm off.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *


"Oh my gawd. It was in the car right? I knew those were baby-making seats."

Becky had just run out of the delivery room and Nick had bounced out of the seat he had been perched on and was running next to her.

"Nick, not now," Becky said gently. Nick tugged her arm and she stopped.

"Ro's almost crowning. I need--"

"When did you find out, Beckers?" Nick said. He was giving her those puppy dog eyes. "I thought you would have told me."

"You were finished tour. I couldn't help it. I've known for just a couple weeks and--"

"Jumping Jelly Frogs," Brian mumbled.

I was about to ask him what was wrong, when Nick grabbed Becky, tipped her and began to eat her face off. Well, at least that's what it looked like.

About two weeks after our grand change back, Rochelle had surprised AJ and meet him on the road. Not long after that, AJ had made the proud announcement that they had a baby on the way.

It hadn't surprised me that AJ would become a dad before Nick had become a husband. As always, Carter was doing things backwards. Becky didn't even have a wedding ring on her finger yet.

"I've got to go!" Becky giggled! She pushed Nick's chest and he stumbled back, a stupid smile across his face. Becky raced into a closet and emerged with a whole bunch of stuff in her arms. I watched her fly back into the room.

"I'm going to be a great dad," Nick said confidently. I snorted. Nick looked offended. "What?"

"It's just," I paused. "It's just you were just complaining about baby's and va-jay- jays. If you can't stand that..."

"C'mon D," Bri said. "You've got to admit it's a little like watching a science fiction movie."

I shook my head. "It was beautiful. Actually, I can't wait to see it again in a year or so."

Before anyone could say anything else, AJ rushed out of the room, his face almost purple. He waved his arms in the air.

"SHE'S BEAUTIFUL! SO MUCH HAIR! I'MMA DAD! I SURVIVED THE VA-JAY-JAY!"

Bri and Nick started to clap. AJ caught my eye. I couldn't help but smile.

"Congratulations, buddy," I said. I stood up and I hugged him tightly, slapping his back.

"Alex, get back in here."

Denise had arrived in time for the delivery. AJ pulled away from me and ran back inside. Becky came out, her eyes watery.

"She's beautiful," she said. She hugged Nick and immediately burst into tears. I grinned.

"It's going to be a great nine months," I whispered in his ear. Nick looked horror-stricken.

"Don't laugh. Guess who he's going to come to if Becky's hormones kick him out of the house?" Brian said under his breath. My eyes widened.

Nick as a house guest? Now that was a scary thought.

An hour later, all of us were sitting in Rochelle's room. AJ was hovering over me like a bird of prey. I was holding Dominique, who admittedly was absolutely beautiful. Her black hair was already tied up with a little pink bow. She squinted up at me with what I could already tell were going to be AJ's eyes and she yawned.

"Y'know," Nick said. The excitement of the whole day was preventing him from sitting any longer. "You should call her Nique-y for short. 'Cause it sounds like Nicky."

"Why would I name my child after you?" Rochelle asked. Becky smothered a smile behind her hand. Nick pouted.

"Cause you love me," he said.

"Well, D did name James after me," AJ teased.

"I did not!" I complained. AJ held out his arms and I passed the baby to him. He held her close to his chest, his arms locked around her like he was holding precious china. He leaned down and, with a smile, gently kissed her cheek. I shouldn't have been affected by the little exchange, but I was.

After spending time in AJ's shoes, I knew him better than I knew anyone else. I knew he was crazy, foul-mouthed, hot tempered...

But I also knew he was a great friend. And he was going to make a great father.

Now that's a fact.
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