Chapter 1
Troubles in the Kingdom

"Brian!"

Leighanne's sharp voice woke me up with a start and the bowl of popcorn that had been balancing on my chest rather precariously slid and bounced off the edge of the sofa, butter-coated kernals flying like confetti through the air. I grabbed lamely for the bowl, but it was too late by the time I'd reacted and all I could do was wince and look up into Leighanne's cranky-face.

"Honey," I said, smiling up at her, "You're home...early..."

"I'm home on time, actually," she said. She bent down and picked up an empty paper cup from the floor. "Mind telling me what happened here exactly?"

I glanced around the destroyed room. I must've fallen asleep. Baylee must've put himself to bed. I wondered how many times the TV had spun the DVD menu. I struggled to sit up.

"No, no," Leighanne muttered, pushing me back down and rolling her eyes, "Don't go getting up, that might be too much work for you..." She let out a stream of a frustrated sigh and turned away and started collecting things off the floor.

Baylee and I had been playing knights. We'd had Baylee's plastic light sabers, but we were pretending they were swords, and there was a lego castle, but Godzilla Mayme had knocked it down and the pieces had been scattered by our epic battle for the treasure of Poptartopia. I winced at the memory of the falling bucket full of Playdoh that I'd later stepped on and mushed into the carpet and the Reeses Pieces, popcorn and pizza Baylee and I had consumed... not to mention the empty Solo cups we'd emptied then made a 'telephone' with...

"This place is a freaking disaster, Brian," Leighanne complained, "I just cleaned it. What were you thinking?"

"Aw honey," I drawled, "We were just having fun."

"You always have fun!" she yelled. She threw down the solo cups she'd collected, "Brian that's exactly the problem, don't you see? You always, always are just having fun with Baylee. You never clean up after yourselves, you don't teach him to clean up... Then you go off gallavanting with the fellas to all the far corners of the earth while mommy stays home and cleans up the mess!"

She'd thrown her hands into the air in exasperation. "I'm sick to death of being treated like a maid, Brian."

"You aren't a maid," I said. I paused, "But maybe we could get you one of those cute little outfits sometime and..."

"You are not getting sex, so don't even get yourself excited there, Mister," Leighanne snapped. She turned and started recollecting the cups she'd just thrown down. "In fact, you're not getting sex again until you man up."

"What?" I jumped up, "What do you mean man up?" I demanded.

She turned to face me, our eyes level with one another with me in my stocking feet and her in her shoes. She stared right into my eyes, intensity seeping out of her like there was no tomorrow. "Until you start acting like you are my husband and not a second son, you are not getting any sex. Capiche?"

I stared at her. "I am not acting like a second son," I snapped.

"Oh? Oh, aren't you, Brian?" she asked. She stormed out of the room and into the kitchen. I heard her heels clicking on the tile floor. A moment later she returned with a trashbag, shoving the solo cups inside. "Let's see. You make a mess and expect me to clean it, you can't do your own laundry, or do the dishes, or make your own meals... You're hopeless getting dressed in the morning unless I have clothing laying out for you on the bed... Your idea of making a romantic gesture is coloring a coloring page in with Baylee and the crayons..." she stared at me. "Yes, Brian, you're acting like a second son."

"But honey," I said, "You like doing that stuff."

She froze. "I like cleaning up after you? Constantly?" she asked.

"Yeah, don't you?"

Leighanne glowered, she grabbed the empty pizza box and shoved it into the bag so hard it should've been an ad for Hefty Flexgrip bags. "Ohhh my God, YES!" she screamed, "I'm going to have a freaking orgasm this is just sooooo enjoyable for me! Cleaning up after my pig husband!"

I stared at her.

"Ohhh Brian," she murmured, "Please, make messes faster, make them harder to clean up Brian! Faster! Harder!"

I would never admit this to her but.... that kind of turned me on.

Okay, so it turned me on a lot actually.

Please don't tell her. Ever.

"Why are you being such a bitch?" I asked.

We both stood there staring at each other.

"It's like there's two of you - the sweet woman I married and love and this.. this incredibly insane, psychotic bitch woman who sneaks out of you whenever you're --" I stopped.

The stupidity of my mouth had just sunk in.

I'd dug my own grave.

And it was shallow.

"How. Dare. You," she gasped. "I don't believe you." She dropped the bag. "I'll be upstairs."

"Leighanne, baby.... Wait..."

She bolted for the stairs and started thundering up them. I stumbled over an empty Reeses Pieces box and almost hit the carpet. "Leighanne, honey..." I wailed. But I heard our bedroom door slam shut behind her.

I sighed and lowered myself down onto the couch and looked around at the mess, at the flickering Enchanted DVD menu on the screen, and at the wedding band on my hand. I ran my hands through my hair.

"Damn it." I sighed.

Chapter 2
The King of Fail

"Aw, even I know not to say anything about them being on the rag!" Nick crowed, "Dude, you -- you are the king of fail. The king, Brian. You don't just reside in kingdom of Fail, you friggin rule over it."

I have no idea why, of all the people I know, I called Nick to discuss my problems, but low and behold, here I was, sitting forlornly on the sofa, hugging my knees, a blanket pulled around me and the cushions huddled up together behind my back. I sighed. Nick, my single, crazy-ass best friend, whose longest relationship was shorter than the expiration date on my current gallon of milk in the fridge, was now crowing and calling me a relationship failure.

Me, his married-for-ten-years buddy.

"I know, I broke the cardinal rule."

"Dude, the only thing you could've done to make it worse was call her fat and ask if she'd consider a threesome," Nick laughed, "You're a jackass, dude."

"You're really not great at the cheering people up thing are you?" I asked miserably.

"Oh is that what I'm supposed to do?" he laughed, "Sorry, my bad. Lemme try again..." he paused, hummed a moment, then said, "Y'know, there really is no positive spin I can put on this, dude. You're screwed."

Actually I was the opposite of screwed, but I wasn't about to go into that detail with Nick. Not Nick. Anyone in the world but Nick.

"What do I do?" I asked.

"Troubleshoot," he said.

Figures he'd come up with some technical-computer-savvy term to respond with. "How?" I asked.

"Did you clean up the mess?" he asked.

"Yeah."

"Okay, so go like - go do all her chores. Y'know? Vacuum, do the laundry, mop the floor, clean the toilet. Do whatever."

I scowled, "Nick it's like eleven o'clock at night, I'm not gonna go do all that shit right now..."

I could almost hear him shrug through the phone, that's how well I know him, I knew he was shrugging. "Well," he said, "Man then you're screwed."

With a sigh I stood up, "Do you even know how to make a washing machine work?"

"Okay Brian, heres' the thing about you and me..." Nick said, "I pay people to do my laundry. Just cause you are all domesticated family-like over there and acting like you're the Cleavers from the 1950's or something doesn't mean I know how to make your machines run. Alls I know is you can't put clorox in a Downy ball. That's all I know."

I shook my head.

"Seriously dude, do it. Troubleshoot."

Nick hung up and I sat there, staring at the mess. I sighed. "This is so stupid," I murmured. I flumped back down into the sofa cushions. I stared at the smiling faces on the Enchanted menu and thought about how freaking happy everyone always is in fairy tales. I shook my head.

Stupid fairy tales...

Chapter 3
Lights Out

When I woke up, the TV was off.

I struggled to my feet and stumbled out of the living room and into the kitchen. The coffee pot normally turned itself on in the morning. It had not this time. I grumbled and went over to it and started poking at the power button. Nothing.

I reached for the light switch and flickered it on and off and on and off.

Nothing.

"Damn it," I muttered, "The power's out."

I glanced at the slider glass door, at the snow that was outside it. Our breaker box was in the basement. Now, normal people can go down the basement steps. Me, I can't. Our basement stairs are almost perpendicular, that's how steep they are. And at the bottom is nothing but sheer rockface cement. I would need a pulley and some bungee cords to go down that thing safely. It's just not my cup of tea. Therefore, when I need to go into the basment, I go outside, around the back of the house and go in through the stormer doors... the stormer doors that were currently buried in snow.

But if Leighanne woke up and there was no power, I was sure to catch some hell for that.

So to the stairs I went.

I opened the door and stared down them. I reached for the light switch and flickered it a couple times before I realized what an idiot I was... I was going down there to see if a breaker had gone off, of course the lights weren't gonna work, that was the point. The steps looked even worse without a light shining down on them. I clung to the railing and started down.

One step. Two steps.

My knuckles were glowing from clinging onto the rail so hard.

Three steps. Four steps.

I was almost to the bottom - on the seventh of ten steps - when I tripped and my grasp on the railing failed me. I let out a whoop and felt gravity projectile vomit me from its grip and I fell forward, arms flailing, head-first into the cement wall.

Chapter 4
The Forrest of the Miniroks

"Is he alive?"

"Of course he's alive."

"Are you sure? He looks dead to me."

"I'm sure. Look, he's breathing."

"Oh yeah."

"Poke him with the stick, see if he wakes up."

Something jabbed into my cheek. I opened my eyes.

I must've been hit pretty hard because I was seeing double. Well, more than double really, I was seeing in sevens. Seven Baylees leaned over me in a circle, staring down at me.

"Yep, he's alive," one of the seven Baylees said.

I rubbed my eyes, "Whoa," I gurgled. I reached up and touched my forehead. A giant gash was across it. I blinked, "That must've been a hard fall..."

"Well you did fall from the sky and stuff," said second Baylee.

I stared at him. "What?"

I sat up slowly, and found I was no longer in my basement, but in the middle of a woodsy clearing. "Where the hell am I?"

"Quarter." All seven Baylees held out their palms.

I glanced around at them.

"Baylee, how'd you do that? Where are we?"

"Why does he keep calling us Baylees?" whispered one Baylee to another Baylee. The other Baylee shrugged.

I glanced around me. "Seriously," I said, scoping out the trees and the rocks and vines and grass and small patch of sunlight overhead, "I was in my basement just a second ago... I fell down the stairs and... Then I woke up, here."

The Baylees all exchanged glances with one another.

"He's gone cuckoo," one hissed. The others all nodded.

I stared at them. "Okay, look, that's enough. Whichever one of you is the real Baylee, please, go get your mother and tell her daddy's hallucinating, okay?"

They all gawked at me.

I sighed. "How on earth does Leigh get you to do stuff..." I muttered.

"Leigh?" Spoke up one of the Baylees, "As in Leighanne?"

They all sighed. "Oh Leighanne!" chorused the six others.

"Um...yes," I answered, raising an eyebrw at them. Since when did Baylee call her anything but mommy?

"Nobody knows where Leighanne is," gasped one of the Baylees. "No one!"

"She's upstairs..." I grumbled.

The Baylees all looked at each other.

"Damn it," I muttered, struggling to my feet, "I'll get her myself." But I was still standing in the woods, even after I'd stood up and tried to clear my head. I whipped around. "Where am I? Seriously?" I asked.

"You're in the Forrest of the Miniroks," one of the Baylees replied, stepping forward, "Guarded by the Wood Fairy King and us... his dwaves of Minirok."

"Minirok?" I mumbled, "Wood fairy king?" I looked around, "Who the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks is the wood --"

CRACK.

A tree branch - a very large tree branch - broke and fell down, almost beaming me. I jumped back only just in time as it dropped. "Whoa, what the --" I stopped mid sentence and blinked down in disbelief. "AJ?"

AJ rolled off the branch, and lay on his back in the grass. He was wearing a tutu. A purple tutu with a dark purple leotard underneath and bright orange sneakers. He had a wand with a sequined star on the top and some ribbons that fell down around his arm. He had a crown.

He jumped up, dusted himself off, and sang out, "Helloooooo, I am the Wood Fairy King!"

I stared at him. "Okay thats it, time to wake up." I grabbed my arm and pinched.

Chapter 5
The Legend of Sir Nicksalot

AJ - tutu and all - did not disappear with the pinching of my arm. He stayed quite vividly in front of me. My jaw dropped. If only I had a camera. I imagined what all the chirpsters would say if I posted a picture of this on Twitter.

"Who are you and from whence have you come?" AJ asked, fluttering his little wand thingy towards my chin. He eye-balled me.

"Dude, J," I said, "You know who I am..." I rolled my eyes. "How'd I get here anyways? I think I might've cracked my head on the wall in my basement..."

A general tittering went up through the herd of Baylee behind me.

AJ raised an eyebrow, "You're messed up, the fall from above must've really malfunctioned you..." He leaned around and peeked into my ear. "Very interesting," he muttered.

"What?" I asked, turning. He turned with me.

"I can see straight through," he replied.

I groaned and jumped away from him. "Seriously, J, I'm worried about the fall I took and --"

"He thinks he knows the Princess Leighanne!" cried out one of the Baylees.

"Thank you, Blurty," AJ replied, waving his little wand at him.

"Blurty?" I snorted, "What kind of new nickname is that?"

"That's his name," AJ responded. He looked at the Baylees. "Didn't yall introduce yourselves to him?"

"NO!" yelled the one that had spoken a moment ago. The other six of them stared at him. "Sorry," he muttered, "That's why they call me Blurty," he said, blushing.

"And I'm Helpful," came another voice.

"Smiley," eked out another.

"Stinky."

"Yawny," yawned another one, rubbing his belly sleepily.

"Hyper!" cried out the second to the last. He spastically thumbed at a morose looking one standing beside him, "And he's Whiney."

I paused. "Wait, wait... Blurty, Helpful, Smiley, Stinky, Yawny, Hyper and Whiney?" I paused, "What am I? Like Snow White and the Seven Dwarves here?"

AJ, the Wood Fairy King with a purple tutu, blinked at me. "Who the fuck is Snow White?" he asked, he glanced around, "And what the hell are dwarves?"

"Nevermind," I said, rolling my eyes, "Look, I just wanna wake up now, please. Can someone please go find my wife? I need to go to the hospital, obviously I've incurred serious brain damage."

"Your wife?" AJ asked. He eye-balled me, "I thought you were looking for the Lovely Lady Leighanne?"

"I am," I snapped, getting irritated.

A gasp drew through all the Baylees and AJ collectively. AJ dropped to his knees before me and bowed his head - the Baylees all following suit. I glanced around, "What in the hell...?" I muttered.

"If you are seeking Lady Leighanne as you wife," said AJ in a hallowed voice, "Then you must be the promised one."

"The promised -- what?"

He rolled his eyes, "Please," he said, "Don't act so stupid, promised one, surely you know the legend."

I raised an eyebrow, "The legend?"

"TELL THE LEGEND!!!" the Baylees all squealed in unison.

"Ah the legend..." AJ raised a hand to his forehead, "The legend of Sir Nicksalot..." he mused. Suddenly a chair was shoved up behind me, knocking my feet out from under me, and I found myself seated in the middle of the woods on a plush red-velvet throne. Four of the Baylees crowded at my feet, two more crawled onto my lap and the last one - Hyper, I'm guessing - bounced foot-to-foot excitedly beside me. AJ cleared his throat.

"The lovely Lady Leighanne, the fairest maiden of all the land of Fail, was to be crowned Queen, to marry the Emperor Pesky..." AJ began. "It was the eve of their wedding night, the celebrations were underway throughout the entire kingdom, when a fire-breathing dragon flew into the confines of the palace gates, scaled the highest tower of the castle, reached through the window with his big slimey hands, and stole the future-Queen from the palace... He flew away, leaving behind Lady Leighanne's evil twin, the Raving Reena... The bitchiest maiden in all of the land of Fail..."

AJ's eyes watered up. He took a deep breath, and continued, "The legend goes that Sir Nicksalot, a Knight of the palace of Fail was on duty the night that the lovely Lady Leighanne was kidnapped..."

A loud snuffle erupted from Whiney, who was sitting on my knee, "I hate this part," he whined. I glanced at him, eyebrow raised, and looked back at AJ.

"Sir Nicksalot was the beloved guardian of the future-Queen, he followed her everywhere like a pup making sure that she remained safe for her future-King. Alas, though, Sir Nicksalot, despite his valiantly good intentions, was always a..." AJ hesitated, "...a playboy," he said delicately, glancing at the Baylees. He paused, then mouthed, man whore, winked, and continued, "So he was easily distracted by one of the damsels of the courts, who was dancing through the hallways in celebration. Once Sir Nicksalot attentions were on the bed chambers next door instead of protecting the Lady Leighanne, the Dragon swooped in and stole her."

"It's just sooo sad," wailed Whiney.

Yawny had fallen asleep on my other knee.

"Sir Nicksalot tried his best to stop the dragon from stealing the future-Queen," AJ said, and he began to charade out the rest of the story... "He whipped out his sword - keep it clean, dirty minds," he injected and I rolled my eyes, "And he pierced the dragon's hands, trying to free the Lady Leighanne, but it was of no use - the dragon escaped, carrying away the beloved future-Queen."

"So who is this Promised One then?" I demanded, "Sir Nicksalot sounds like he's got things under control. Why hasn't he gone to find the -" I paused. "Oh good Lord we're talking about Nick aren't we?" I asked. I rolled my eyes, "AJ this is ridiculous."

"Sir Nicksalot," AJ said, stressing the name, "Tried to find the Lady Leighanne. He searched high and low and far and near and left no stone unturned."

"Dragons are a little big to fit under a stone," I cracked.

Nobody looked amused.

"Lady Leighanne was never found," AJ said, "And the evil Raving Reena was crowned Queen of the Kingdom of Fail," he said. He shook his head. "She rules with an iron fist, and powers none could fathom in a terrible rage. She is a cruel queen, who demands nonstop work and toiling and refuses to pay the wages of any man -" AJ smirked, "Especially the King... If you know what I mean."

I sighed.

"The citizens of Fail were desperate, so they turned to the diviner and asked what they could do to find the Lady Leigh..." AJ said. He closed his eyes and recited, "To you one day, to find Lady Leigh, a Promised One will come - Defeat the Queen, for she is mean, and strike the dragon dumb - To clean the mess, return her highness, the Promised One will come."

I stared at AJ.

"You are that Promised One," he said quietly.

Chapter 6
Promised Ones, Spandex, and Singing Woodland Creatures

"You are that Promised One."

The mysticism of the moment seemed to hang in the air a moment. Or maybe it was the sound of the Baylee's all singing a quiet "ahhh" note that supplied a dramatic effect. I shook my head and said, "You're all insane."

AJ's face fell, "Insane?" he demanded, "I just tell you you're the Promised One of the land of Fail - someone we've been waiting and hoping for for years - and you tell me we're all insane?" He rolled his eyes, "Some Promised One you've turned out to be."

"Well what the hell do you expect me to say, AJ? You're dressed like a fairy and telling me these messed up fairy tales while seven of my son dance around me... I'm probably laying in the basement of my house bleeding to death while Leighanne sleeps soundly and I can't get anyone to freaking WAKE MY WIFE UP TO SAVE MY LIFE!" I panted from the energy and passion I'd put into the sentence.

"Don't you get it?" he asked lowly, "This is what you need to do to find her. You have to find her."

I glowered at AJ, "Why?"

"Because!" AJ wailed, "You said yourself that she's missing, didn't you? You said yourself that she's been taken over by an evil woman, haven't you? What is so far fetched about this? Her evil twin Queen Reena has taken over her throne and the Lady Leighanne has been kidnapped. Only you, the Promised One, can find her and bring her back."

"Because there is no Queen Reena! There is no throne, no land of Fail, no kidnapping! There's no Promised One!"

Whiney stared up at me, his big blue eyes wide and hopeless. Tears formed in the ducts. "No... No Promised One?" he gasped quietly, "But... but without the promised one... without the promised one who will bring Lady Leighanne back?" he began to cry.

Even Hyper and Smiley now looked like they'd be better named Depressed and Forlorn.

I sighed. "Don't..." I begged, "Please, don't cry..."

"But there's no Promised One," wailed Yawny, who had woken up. "What hope is left? The Lady Leighanne is gone forever."

"But she's noly just upstairs," I said in a pleading voice.

Even AJ was crying.

"Oh for the love of Pete," I groaned, "Fine," I said, "I'll be the stupid Promised One!" The tears instantly stopped and were replaced by a loud, echoing shout of hooray! I sucked a deep breath as AJ hooked hands with Hyper and started spinning in a circle joyfully. "Just one question," I asked, "Exactly what does a Promised One do?"

AJ and Hyper stoppeed spinning.

"You save the day of course," blurted Blurty.

I blinked, "Alone?"

"FEAR NOT............... YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN YOUR QUEST!!!!!!!!"

Nick's voice came from behind me. I heard brush shaking and moving and what sounded like the clop-clop of a horse only... not exactly. I closed my eyes. Knowing Nick, I was about to encounter the worst insanity of this entire dream.

I turned around.

And there it was.

Nick was before me in the grass, a stick horse between his legs, clop-clopping with his tongue as he pushed through the last bits of brush. He made a whinney sound as he stopped and mumbled, "Whoa boy," and shook the yard reign that hung from the horse's wooden handles. But, I'm sorry to say, the stick horse and clop-clopping was not the worst of the vision.

"Where in hell did you get my costume from?" I demanded, pointing.

Nick was wearing the costume we'd rented for the dubbed movies we'd made for the This is Us tour. You know... the one that was actually the Prince from Enchanted's? He had on the hat with the feather and the big round shoulder arm sleeve-ball-things and the spandex. His legs were like long purple seas of Spandex. There was more spandex on that man than I thought existed. The saddest part? He'd forgone the boots and was still wearing his Converse sneakers underneath it all.

"What costume dost thou speaketh of?!" he demanded in a voice that came somewhere from deep inside his puffed out chest.

I looked at AJ, "Please tell me he stops trying to speak olde English?" I asked.

"Yo Sir Nicksalot, stop with the olde English, this one speaks slang."

"Oh thank God, dawg, I was gettin' so freakin' sick of adding -eths to everything!" Nick looked at me. "Yanno we've had like 14 so-called Promised Ones show up and they all chicken out before we get to the dragon?"

I sighed.

"The last one spoke Olde English," he clarified, "He knew what resign means," he added.

"It means to give up a position, not reside, you idiot," AJ growled.

"It means to park your damn horse and where would you PARK A HORSE," Nick yelled, "BESIDES HOME?!?"

"Who knows, SINCE YOU DON'T GOT A REAL HORSE?" AJ yelled back.

"HEY!" I cut in, waving my hands between the two of them - who both looked like angry bulls at the moment, "My son is watching us right now -- all seven of him -- can we pleas not act like we're in a psychotic WWF ring?"

AJ's eyes widened, "Crap, the Miniroks!" He turned to the seven Baylees, "I'm sorry fellas," he said, kneeling down and opening his arms out wide, "I wasn't really angry at Sir Nicksalot!" All the Baylees ran to him for a hug.

I looked at Nick. "Okay, Frack," I said, "Listen to me, you're my only hope, I need your help. It's like this- I fell down my stairs in the basement, and I hit my head and now I'm hallucinating and--"

Nick stared at me. "That's a really big word you just used there, buddy." He tapped the side of his head, "Respect the hair, please... Repeat?"

"WAKE ME UP!" I begged.

Nick smiled, "You are awake silly." He paused, "Although there was this one time when I was sleep walking on the bus when I---"

I smacked my forehead and turned back to AJ and the so-called Miniroks. "Ok so now I'm stuck with Sir Nickypoo here. Now what?"

"STUCK WITH?" Nick's eyes widened, "STUCK WITH?"

"You are a bit of a pain in the ass," AJ conceeded.

Nick scowled, "I'll have you know --" he said, then he paused. "Better yet, let's ask my little woodland friends, shall we?" He stuck two fingers into his mouth and whistled.

"Oh God," AJ moaned, "Not the woodland creatures."

"The woodland--"

But before I could ask what the woodland creatures were, a collection of small animals from the forrest - a squirrel, an opossum, four red and blue birds, a chipmunk, a turtle, two rabbits, a skunk and what looked like a living Chia pet - came bustling out of the trees and collected around Nick's feet. The birds landed on his shoulder ball thing.

"Tell 'em fellas," he said.

And - to music that was coming from Lord knows where, with a tune that sounded like a rock & roll version of Up On the Housetop - the woodland creatures broke into song.

Who defends us when we're preyed
Sii-iir Nick defends us, he's sooo brave
Swings his sword and scares our haters
He even fends off aligators!

Nick, Nick, Sir Nicksalot
We-eee love him with all we've got
Share our nuts and seeds and fish
And would grant him any wish

Oh, oh, oh - you should know
Oh, oh, oh - you should knoo-ooow
How lucky you are to have him -quick, quick, quick-
Thank the Lord for Si-iiir Nick!
As soon as the music stopped all the woodlad creatures ran back into the forrest and disappeared. Nick cheesed at AJ and the Miniroks and I. I blinked.

"Thank you Woodland Creatures!" Nick called out.

"What in the name of San Jose was that?" I asked.

"The song of those who appreciate me," Nick replied, glaring at AJ.

"DO IT AGAIN!" cried three out of seven of the Baylees.

"NO!" AJ and I cried at once just before Nick stuck his fingers in his mouth and whistled them all back again. "Once is more than enough, "AJ supplemented.

Nick shrugged, "Whatever man; personally, I could listen to'em all day."

"I'm sure," AJ hissed under his breath.

I glanced between them. AJ in his tutu, Nick in his spandex... I sighed, unsure which one was more pathetic at the moment. Honestly, it was a tie.

I was kinda scared where I was gonna find Howie in this dream.

Chapter Seven
The Onions Are No Match For Nerf!

"Okay," I said, interrupting the bizarro world stare-down that was going on between them... "Now that ya'll have talked me into playing along with this 'Promised One' crap, can you at least give me the FYI on how to start on this supposed journey?"

Nick blinked and looked away first - AJ crowed and fist-pumped the air triumphantly. "Journey?" he asked, grinning, "Dawg - Steve Perry is the man!"

"No, no, no," I sighed as Nick started air-guitaring (which is a sight to see, by the way, even without the deliously stupid-looking costume he had on). "The journey, not Journey the band."

Nick's arms dropped to his sides quickly. "Oh, well that's totally different."

AJ quit celebrating his lameass victory over stupidity and turned to look at me. "It's easy enough to start," he said, "All you gotta do is get on the road and go."

I sucked a deep breath and prepared myself. "This wouldn't happen to be a yellow brick road, would it?" I asked, ready to smack whoever agreed first.

Nick snorted, "Fuck no, dawg," he laughed, "Dude, who the hell ever heard of yellow bricks?" he asked, rolling his eyes.

"Oh thank G--" I started, but then he continued...

"It's an orange brick road." He tilted his head in that way Nick does when he's saying something he thinks is obvious (and is usually a morsel of Nick-logic nobody understands), "Duh."

AJ nodded, "Follow the orange brick road."

"FOLLOW THE ORANGE BRICK ROAD!" cried out the seven Baylees.

"Oh for the love of God," I groaned. I covered my eyes. "Do I reaaaaally gotta stay asleep, Lord? Really? Haven't I suffered enough already?"

Nick grabbed my wrist, "Dawg, I'ma lead you on the way... you don't got nothin' to worry about. With my sword and my faithful steed..." he pointed at the stick horse he was clenching between his thighs, "We gonna have smooth sailing all the way. Even when the onions of the Queen figure out we're here."

"Onions?"

"For crying out loud, Carter, it's minions," snapped AJ, "For like the hundredth time, MINIONS."

"I like onions better," Nick replied.

"Who doesn't?" AJ asked, face sobering quickly, "Those minions, man, they're not the best... y'know?"

Nick withdrew his word.

It was made of Nerf.

"They're no match for me and my weapon of mass destruction!" he wailed out in a bellowing voice - that one that came from deep in his chest again.

"You brought the Nerf sword again?" AJ groaned.

"They took the metal one away," Nick answered. He cupped his mouth with his hand and leaned towards me to explain, "They said it was a hazard or some shit like that."

I had been thinking it, but I didn't say so.

"Are you ready, bro?" Nick asked, whipping his arm around my shoulder. The Nerf smacked my stomach. "Oh shit, sorry dude, I couldda killed you." He withdrew his arm and sheathed the sword.

I looked at AJ imploringly.

"Good luck, Promised One," he said with reverence. He bowed.

Oh. Good. God.

"Let's get this show on the road," I muttered, "The sooner we start, the sooner it'll be over..."

Chapter Eight
The Forrest of Whispering Leaves


Who defends us when we're preyed
Sii-iir Nick defends us, he's sooo brave
Swings his sword and scares our haters
He even fends off aligators!

Nick, Nick, Sir Nicksalot
We-eee love him with all we've got
Share our nuts and seeds and fish
And would grant him any wish

Oh, oh, oh - you should know
Oh, oh, oh - you should knoo-ooow
How lucky you are to have him -quick, quick, quick-
Thank the Lord for Si-iiir Nick!
I glowered at Nick. He hadn't stopped singing the song. Every time I complained, he'd be quiet a couple seconds, then slowly but surely start humming again, and eventually it ended like this - a grand aria to himself. He was clutching his chest and making dramatic hand motions, dancing about, his "steed" hanging from the ribbon rein around his wrist and his Nerf sword flopping about.

Add the tights and you've got one extremely twisted image, right?

I was trying desperately not to focus on it. Especially since we were slowly but surely making out way into a creep-tastic looking forrest with curly black trees and odd howling noises coming in from all angles. I wished AJ had given me some sort of sword - one that wasn't made of Nerf. God only knew what could be in the woods here.

I stopped myself before the words lions, tigers and bears - oh my could go through my mind.

"Nick," I hissed, after a particularly loud crack echoed out from among the trees. "Dude, do you got any clue where we are?"

He stopped moving. He'd been spinning and dancing around, arms splayed out from his sides, for quite some time now. I was willing to bet he didn't have the slightest clue where we were. He wobbled dangerously, woozy from the spinning, but he nodded. "Yeah, of course I know where we are," he laughed, "Duh. Everyone knows that."

I stared at him dumbly.

"Ohhh right, you dunno that."

I rolled my eyes.

"We are in the Forrest of Whispering Leaves," he said reverently.

"Forrest of whispering leaves?" I repeated, "What?"

"Yeah man," Nick said, "If you listen... the leaves speak."

"What?" I raised my eyebrow. "That's balogna. Nick, leaves can't talk."

"They can!" he said, nodding, "These leaves can. Liiiissssten!" he commanded. He stopped and cupped a hand to his ear, harkening the leaves. I stared at his back, at the weird shape of his head - all the more prominent when his hair was cut short like he'd been doing lately - and waited.

I gave it a fair amount of time, even though I didn't believe it for a second, but stranger things had happened in this dream, but when it became evident that even my twisted subconcious couldn't conjure up talking leaves, I quietly hissed, "Nick is a freaaaaak!" in as mythical a voice as I could muster.

Nick's body tensed upon the hiss, and I rolled my eyes. He strained harder to hear.

"You look like an iddiiiiooootttt!" I added in my whispering leaf voice.

"Duuuude!" Nick whipped around, "Did you hear that?" he asked, eyes aglow.

"It was me," I snapped.

'No no no, not you, you silly billy," he said rolling his eyes back. "The leaves."

"Nick, I was the one saying the --"

"An unbeliever in our midst," hissed a voice that was not my own.

My eyes widened. Nick nodded, "See? See?" he demanded, "I told you."

"Shhh," I gasped.

"Doesn't believe in trees with leaves that talk," muttered another quiet voice, "Fool."

I whipped around, expecting to see somene else mocking Nick by hissing words, but there was no one except the curling branches of the trees.

"They don't like it that you don't believe in them," Nick whispered.

"Well they're trees," I said, "They should really understand that."

"We are leaves," came a louder, bolder voice. "Leaves with souls and feelings..."

"Now you done it," Nick whispered.

"What?" I asked.

Sir Nicksalot --- I mean Nick --- pointed feverishly over my shoulder. "What?" I turned .... just in time to have a large, viney/leafy hand wrap around my waist and lift me up off the ground.

"That!" Nick squeaked. He dove away from a second viney/leafy hand, pulling his so-called steed along with him as he went.

Right there: proof in favor of that whole chivalry being dead thing.

Chapter Nine
Howood

Blood rushed to my head as the viney/leafy hand lofted me high over the path Sir Nicksalot -- I mean Nick -- had been travelling; Nick had ducked behind a conviently placed bush (oh how I wished it was a pricker bush as revenge!). I waved my arms. "Put me down!" I demanded as the hand hoisted me higher. The distance between me and the ground was getting bigger and bigger. I wriggled, "Let me go!"

Suddenly, a familiar voice issued forth. "Let you go?" the viney hand's grip loosened and my leg slid through it, dropping me a couple inches. I let out a echoing shriek. The hand tightened, catching me before I went crashing to the ground. My hands covered my eyes. "Why do you doubt the dominion of the whispering leaves?" the voice boomed.

"Because in the real world, leaves don't speak!" I replied.

"The real world?" the voice scoffed.

"You know...reality? You might've heard of it? You don't exist there?" I peeked out of my fingers tentatively.

"Dude... I don't exist?" That voice.... it was so familiar.... "Why do you always gotta be dissin' on me for?"

I shook my head in surprise, then wiggled until I was facing the owner of the viney/leafy hand. I blinked. "Howie?" I asked, incredulous.

"My name is Howood."

The tree was, yes, a tree, but still somehow unmistakably Howie as well.

"Howood?" I asked.

"Yes..." he sighed, "I suppose you wanna make fun of my name too, then, huh? Or - or - or maybe I should just be sleeping or something like that?"

The bush's branches rustled down below and Sir Nicksalot -- I mean Nick -- peeked out from among the branches, staring up at me where I dangled from Howood's leafy hands. "I mean what else can I do? Even in this story I'm a damn tree..."

"A talking tree, at least," piped up Nick.

Howood's eyes landed on him. "You again?"

Nick ducked back into the bush.

Howood inspected me. "I suppose you're another Promised One, searching for the Lovely Lady Leighanne, then?"

"C'mon Howie, you know who I am... Just put me down, get out of that ridiculous tree costume, and please for the love of God go tell Leighanne I fell and hit my head on the wall at the foot of the basement steps!" I yelped.

"Seriously? You think this is a Promised One? He's cuckoo." Howood lowered me slightly and glowered at the bush.

Nick peeked back out. "He does seem a bit delusional..."

"Me delusional?" I demanded, "Me? I am not the delusional one here!" I paused, "Unless you're all just in my head because of the whole cement wall face-plant thing."

"Why do you think this pitiful specimen of a creature is the Promised One of the Kingdom of Fail?" Howood demanded.

Nick shrugged, "I dunno, the Wood Fairy King said so."

"You trust a man dressed in purple tafetta?"

"Well..."

"How many times have I told you not to trust a thing the Wood Fairy says? He is not reliable!" Howood waved his arm as emphasis, whipping me around with it. It was like the worst ride Disney World ever created or something. I flailed about helplessly, ready to vomit.

"Can you please put me down?" I begged, covering my mouth before a shower of pizza and Reeses Pieces fell over Nick below.

"Oh right, right, sorry." Howood lowered me to the dusty path way and pet my head as he withdrew his viney/leafy hand. Nick inched out of the bush and offered me a hand to my feet.

"The Wood Fairy king might be a bit of a ... well a fairy..." Nick stammered as I dusted off my ass and blood returned to the rest of my body like a water fall, "But he's not completely stupid."

"Just mostly," Howood suggested. He paused and twisted his trunk to stare at us both in an appraisal. "Well I'll let you pass, Sir Nicksalot," he decided, "But only because this is a pitiful Promised One... and I kind of want to see what happens if it turns out you're right and he is the one you've been waiting for... I mean, Evil Queen Reena will tear him apart limb to limb like it's nothing." He looked at me.

"Yeah, she'll make sawdust outta you," Nick hissed. "We've seen it done."

"Don't remind me," whimpered Howood.

"Sawdust?" I asked.

Nick leaned close, "Howood had more hands once upon a time, then Queen Reena -- she... she..." he paused. "Pruned."

"Pruned?"

Howood shuddered and wailed loudly, "Nooooo!"

Nick covered my mouth with his big, sweaty hands. "SHhhh! Don't say the word outloud, you dumbass."

His hand tasted like coins. I shook him off me.

"Why would she..." I glanced at Howood, then mouthed the word prune, "...a talking tree?"

"Dude do you not get it? Queen Reena is evil!" Nick said, his voice climbing in passion as he continued on, "She wants World Domination and won't stop - won't rest - won't eat, sleep, have sex, jog, watch TV, paint, ski, or go white-water-rafting -- until she's got it. And she doesn't care who she has to ruin to get it, be it an innocent woodland creature, a Minirok, a talking tree, the Wood Fairy King, a horny knight, or even - dare I say it - a Promised One... as long as it means she has sole posession of the throne."

I stared at Nick. "But she's just one person," I argued, "How can an entire kingdom fall subject to a single person? What about a revolt?"

Sir Nicksalot shook his head, "Don't you understand?" he asked, "That's the whole point of expecting a Promised One. You are supposed to lead us into battle for our land, you are supposed to restore freedom and joy to the people of the Kingdom of Fail..." he paused dramatically, "You are supposed to be the King of Fail."

"Me?" I demanded, "I'm supposed to -- oh dear." I sighed, "I reeeeeally need to wake up and take an Advil." I sat down on a rock under the shade of Howood, who reached down with a viney/leafy hand and patted my back.