“So, D, what’s this big news?” AJ asked sitting down next to him on Brian’s couch.
Howie nervously glanced around the room. He was about to announce one of his deepest secrets. He had been hiding it for quite some time. Even he was surprised that the others had yet to figure it out.

“I’d rather wait till everyone is here.” He said locking his eyes to the floor.

“Hey, is everything alright?” Kevin asked him fearing something major was wrong. Howie tended to be reserved and a bit shy but not normally to this extent.
Howie nodded, “It’s nothing like what I know you’re thinking. I’m just nervous about telling you all.”

Howie was not ashamed of what he was going to tell them. He simply feared how they would respond. His band mates were like his brothers. He was closer to them than anyone else.

“I’m here!” They all suddenly heard a familiar voice call out. They all knew who it was.

“Don’t you knock Carter?” Brian asked walking past the living room and into the foyer.

“Nope.” He smiled pulling off his jacket. He handed it to Brian who hung it on a hanger in the coat closet.

“I thought Aaron was coming.” Brian asked confused.

Nick returned Brian’s look and searched around him. He then opened the front door and saw Aaron standing there with his arms folded over his chest. Needless to say he did not look happy.

“Thanks Nick.” He grumbled stepping inside the house.

“Sorry dude.” He shrugged a little.

“Don’t worry AC. I’ll have Leighanne poison his drink for you.” Brian gave the young teenager a wink and he smiled.

Brian then hung up Aaron’s coat and showed them to the living room where the others sat.

“Some big brother you are.” AJ teased Nick then turned to Aaron, “You and me, super glue, feathers and Nick while he’s sleeping.”

Aaron laughed a bit.

“Don’t even think about it!” Nick warned.

Everyone but Howie laughed.

“Something wrong Howie?” Aaron asked him.

Howie looked up at him slowly not really sure how to answer the question.

“Guys, this is ready!” They heard Leighanne shout.

Howie sighed in relief as AJ tore out of the living room and toward the direction of Leighanne’s voice. The others slowly followed but Howie hung back. The thought of eating turned his stomach. His nerves were way to high for his comfort level.

He cursed inwardly realizing he wasn’t strong enough to do this. He needed his friends and he feared more than anything losing them. He wished he hadn’t said anything. He needed to get away.
Quickly he looked around him and spotted the closet where his coat hung. His car keys where inside the pocket. If he could reach his coat fast enough he could bolt out the door and pretend like this never happened.

He could hear the guys questioning where he went in the other room. He was running out of time. He softly but quickly moved for the closet. Just as his hand gripped onto his coat he heard footsteps moving toward him. Without thinking he ducked into the closet and shut the door.

“Howie?” AJ called out. There was no response. AJ however had seen the door close and moved toward it. He wrapped his hand around the metal knob and tried to turn it but could not. The door felt locked even though it was impossible. He knew then that Howie had to be inside the closet.

“Dude, what the fuck are you doing in there?” Howie heard AJ asked. He did not reply. His heart was beating faster than he could ever remember it beating.

“Where’s Howie?” He heard Brian ask.

“In the closet.” AJ’s voice sounded really confused.

“He’s in the closet?” Nick’s voice was then heard.


“What’s he doing in there?” Kevin asked next.

“Hell if I know. He won’t say nothing.” AJ replied trying to open the door again but Howie held firm.

“Howie, come out of closet.” Leighanne softly demanded.

The words struck Howie. They wanted him to come out of the closet. Could it really be that simple?

“Come on Howie.” Aaron now called. He could hear the others agreeing.

Howie knew he needed this. He took a deep breath and slowly let it out as if he were summoning all the courage in the world to come and strengthen him.

Slowly he turned the door knob and pushed the door open. All of his friends stood looking at him as if he were crazy. “Guys…” He trailed off taking the moment to look at each of them. “I’m gay.”

There was a sudden moment of silence. Howie could hear his heart beating in his ears.

“Dude, is that what all this is about?” AJ asked sounding relieved.

Howie could only nod.

“Shit, you scared me half to death. I though you was dying or leaving the band.” Kevin placed a hand on his heart.

“Way to ‘come out of the closet’ Howie.” Nick smiled stepping toward him and patting his back.

“You don’t hate me?” He asked confused.

“Hate you? Howie! None of us could ever hate you. Right boys?” Leighanne said pulling him into a comforting hug.

They all agreed with her and Howie smiled. He couldn’t believe coming out had to them had been so simple. Coming out to himself had been so hard.

“It’s all good Howie. Let’s go eat.” Brian flashed him one if his famous southern smiles.

They all went into the dining room and sat down. After Kevin blessed the meal and they all had food on their plates, the usual laughter and chatter began. Howie smiled to himself, mixing butter into his mashed potatoes. Aaron ate quietly, his mind wandering. Nick nudged his shoulder.

"You okay?" he asked, looking down at his little brother. The younger Carter nodded, shoveling another fork full into his mouth.

"So how long have you known?" AJ asked. He and Howie were closer than any of the others. They had been friends for a very long time and AJ was stunned by the fact that he had not figured it out sooner.

"Well, I guess it started to hit me when I was about fourteen. I battled it till I was almost nineteen. I didn't want to be. I thought for sure it was wrong somehow. Once I reached out and started talking to other gay men I came to terms with it. I never told you guys cause I was scared of your reactions." When it came to important things Howie took time to explain himself. He did not want to leave any room for doubt by giving a short answer.

"So do you have anyone special in your life then?" Kevin kept the conversation going.

"No. I've only dated 2 people. It's really hard to date when you're not out."

"So why now then D? I mean, why come out to us or are you coming out to everyone?" Brian seemed very interested in the conversation. Looking at Howie is was almost as if Brian had forgotten the other people were in the room.

"Honestly, I'm not sure why I chose to now to come out. My family knows. They were shocked but ok with it. My friends know." Howie motioned to those around the table. "I want the fans to know but that will be up to management. It just feels good not hiding it. I feel more free to be who I really am. Keeping it bottled up was destroying me."

Brian intently nodded his head letting the information soak in.

"I know what you're said Howie. I mean I am most certainly not gay but I understand what it's like to have a secret that's eating you from the inside out.

AJ told him.

Howie could only smile and say, "Thanks, I knew you would."

Nick took notice of the fact that Aaron was still being quiet. Anyone who knew Aaron knew that it was totally out of character for him to be quiet. "Dude, what is wrong with you?" Nick asked him quietly so that the others would not hear.

Aaron could only shake his head and softly mutter "Nothing."

"Well cut it out. You're embarrassing me." The older Carter brother hissed.

Aaron rolled his eyes and tried to act more like himself as the conversation went neutral again. He couldn't help but think about everything Howie had said though. He didn't understand any of it.

Soon enough they had finished eating and everyone began to help clear off the table.

"Leighanne, you've been a wonderful host. Why don't you let me wash these and you relax?" Howie was often too sweet.

"Oh thanks, but you really don't have to." She told him.

"I want to." Howie said gently moving her out of the kitchen with some of the others.

"I'll help you Howie." Aaron stepped forward.

"You will?" Nick was beyond taken back.

"Yeah." The young blonde mumbled, picked up a stack of dishes and headed for the kitchen. He laid the dishes in the sink and turned on the hot water, then dumped in much more soap than necessary. He

heard Howie walk in behind him. The man set another slack of dishes on the counter by the sink. He paused, studying the boy's face intently.

"You're awfully quiet tonight. Everything alright?" Aaron shrugged without saying a word.

"I'm confused." Aaron almost whispered, watching the soap become fluffy and rise with the water. Howie shut the faucet, to avoid a small flood.

"Confused about what?" Howie gently tossed a sponge in the sink, not taking his eyes off the boy. Aaron watched the sponge float in the water, bobbing slightly.

"'Coming out of the closet.' W- what does that mean?" He bit down hard on the inside of his cheek, hoping he had not said wrong. The little blue sponge seemed to be drowning in the hot suds.

"How about I wash and you rinse?" Aaron stepped to the side. Howie plunged his hands into the suds. He took I deep breath before speaking. "It's not that complicated, though it feels like it is . I was hiding who I really am." Aaron took a glass from the man and held it beneath a stream of warm water. "Coming out means I'm not going to hide my true feeling anymore.

Howie glanced to his right to see the teenager staring up at him. His lips were pressed tightly together and his eyebrows scrunched. He shifted his weight from foot to foot, looking down at the teen, racking his brain for I way to explain this. "Ya know how your brother has girlfriends?" The blonde nodded. "Well, being gay means I have boyfriends."

They finished the chore in silence. Aaron set the last place in the dish drainer. He looked up to see Howie leaning back against the counter, his gaze fixed on the boy. "If you ever have any questions or need to talk about anything, at all. I'm here."

“Can’t you just cancel your plans and come with me?” Brian complained to his wife. He hated being alone on the road. Ok so, he wouldn’t be alone but he would be without someone to love him. Brian used to word love loosely. He was a very affectionate person and loved to demonstrate affection to others and have others demonstrate affection to him.
“No Brian, you’ll be fine. The time will pass quickly. Before you even know it I’ll be finished with my work and flying out to join you.” She tried to reassure him as he pulled into a parking space. Her hand reached over and gently rubbed his knee.
“Whatever.” He huffed under his breath removing his seat belt. He then quickly got out of the car causing her hand to drop abruptly.
As he began to remove his luggage from the back of the car Leighanne got out and went back to meet him.  “Here, let me help.”
“I got it. It’s fine.” He said pulling the last bag away from her before she could grab it.
“Well at least let me walk you in.” She looked hurt as she watched him close the trunk.
“No, I’m a big boy.”  He told her and then spun to look at her. He knew she was upset but part of him didn’t care.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.” She spoke softly lifting her hand to rub her other arm. Her eyes traveled down to the ground.
“No, I’m sorry Leigh.  I shouldn’t have snapped at you. I’m just angry that you’re putting your stuff ahead of me.” Brian rolled his eyes as he spoke. He often rolled his eyes when apologizing when he didn’t really mean what he was saying. In this moment Brian was just trying to avoid waterworks and a lecture over the phone later.
Leighanne had not noticed the rolling of Brian’s eyes due to the fact she was looking down. She assumed then that Brian was being sincere and replied. “It’s ok babe. I know being away from me is hard for you. I promise you’ll be fine. Trust me.” She gave him a warm smile.
He forced one back, “I got to get going.”
“Alright, I love you baby.” She stepped forward wanting a hug.
Brian didn’t want to hug her but he knew he needed to so he did. “Love you too.” He almost mumbled and pulled away.
Leighanne wasn’t very convinced but decided to let it go as she watched him grab his bags and walk away.
Inside Howie, Alex  and Nick where sitting around talking while Kevin was saying his last goodbye to his wife, Kristin. Aaron was going over a few last minute interview changes with one of his staff members.
“So Howie, tell us all about him.” AJ asked.
“Him?” Howie questioned.
“Well, your boyfriend.” Nick came. 
Howie shook his head ‘no’ and shifted in his seat as Brian began to near them. “I don’t have a boyfriend.” Howie admitted then continued not seeing Brian. “Like I said last night, I’ve dated two guys but after…” Howie stopped himself from saying too much. “Well, I just haven’t dated anyone since my last boyfriend. I haven’t had the desire to commit to anyone.” It wasn’t anyone’s business that he had gotten his heart broken by some guy who claimed to care but actually had a girl he was planning to marry.
“Oh…” Brian trailed off making his presence known.
“What’s a ‘matter B?  Thinking’ you might be gay?” AJ teased.
“No!” He quickly shot.
“Don’t worry Rock. We won’t tell Leigh.” Nick cackled.
Howie just shook his head as Brian quietly took a seat next to him.
“Hey Bri,” Aaron smiled walking over.
“Hey AC,” He smiled back.
“Where’s Leighanne?  Didn’t she want to come to tell you goodbye?”
“No uh, we said our goodbyes outside.” Brian replied suddenly looking awkward.
Howie shot him a strange look as he picked up on the sudden awkwardness.
No one else seemed to notice.
Brian looked nervously at Howie before turning away as he felt two large hands on his shoulders. They belonged to Kevin.
“You all ready?  They’ll be letting us board the plane any second.” 
They all nodded and agreed they were ready to go and almost instantly heard someone announce that they could board now.
 
Silently Brian boarded the plane. He had so much on his mind. He was supposed to love Leighanne to the ends of the earth and back again. He did love Leighanne but he wasn't so sure it was to that extent. It seemed as though his love for her would fade with distance.  He knew it shouldn't be that way.
 
As he sat down he drew his left foot into the seat and hugged his knee with both arms. Turning his head to look out the window on his right he sighed inwardly. He didn't even bother to look around the cabin to see who was sitting where, like he normally did. He just wasn’t feeling good emotionally.
 
A few short minutes, later he was snapped from his thoughts by a voice asking him what was wrong. He had been so zoned out he didn't even hear who the voice belonged to. Turning his head he was shocked to find the voice belonged to Howie. Brian was close to all his band mates, except Howie. He liked Howie. Howie was like his brother as were the others but... they just weren't close. This is why his concern shocked Brian.
 
"What?" Brian finally asked coming back to reality.
 
"Are you alright? You seem bothered by something." Howie repeated. He looked truly concerned.
 
"I uh... yeah. I'm fine." Brian was a terrible liar. It was probably due to the fact he didn't lie often.
 
"Are you sure about that? I mean you seemed pretty upset when Aaron asked about Leigh."
 
Brian sighed and looked away. Howie started to assume that Brian didn't want to talk about it, just before he could stand up Brian sighed deeply and said, "We just aren't what we used to be... I guess."
 
"You guess?" Howie asked confused.
 
Brian wasn't sure what took over him, but he began to open up to Howie. He had never done that before. Deep inside he just felt suddenly comfortable. "She puts her work over me. I have needs and she doesn’t even seem to care. It's not right."
 
Howie took a deep breath letting the information soak in, as the plane began to speed down the runway. "Well, have you tried telling her that she isn't meeting your needs?" Howie knew it wasn't his business as to what Brian's needs were so he chose his words carefully.
 
"I don't know. I mean, I told her I needed her but not that she’s doing what I need her to do." Brian replied. It did make sense. Leighanne couldn't fix something she didn't know was broken. He wasn’t sure she would care but it was worth a try.
 
"Ok then, tell her. Let her know what you needs are and what she could do to meet them. I'm sure she'll be more than willing to give you what you need."
 
Brian took a deep breath and nodded slowly, as he turned his attention back to the window. He watched as the ground fell away and the buildings below slowly shrunk. Maybe some time apart was just what they needed to solve this problem. Time heals all wounds, right? He looked back at Howie to find him drifting off to sleep.

Chapter: 3
Date: 1-23-01
 
The next morning the boys had planned on meeting for breakfast. As Aaron and Nick got ready to go down stairs Aaron had a lot on his mind. He was being much more quiet then he normally was telling Nick something wasn't right.

"You ok bub?" Nick finally asked Aaron as he came out of the bathroom.

"Yeah..." He responded then thought for a moment, "No..." He trailed off. He wasn't sure if he should say anything. "I dunno." He finally said.

"Well, talk to me. What's on your mind?" Nick walked toward were he stood trying to pick out a shirt to wear.

"Howie came out of closet. He said it meant that he wasn't hiding being gay anymore. He told me what gay meant but... I don't understand. I mean I get that being gay means he likes boys but... why would he hide that?" Aaron didn't get it. Was liking guys really so different from liking girls?

Nick nodded a little. He could tell Aaron felt awkward about asking. "Come, sit." He said taking a seat on a bed.

Aaron finally picked a shirt and put it on as he moved to sit by his brother.

"There are a lot of people in this world that find a guy romantically liking other guys as nasty or wrong. Some people turn against their friends when they find out. Other people call them bad things while some people go so far as to hurt gay men. I think Howie was hiding everything because he was afraid of the outcome. Ya know, how people around him would react."

"Oh..." He trailed off looking into space. "What do you think about gay people?
 
 Nick expression showed surprise, as though he was caught off guard by
his brother's question.
 
"well," he licked his lips, wiping his palms on his baggy jean shorts. "Eh, christ.. Look, Howie's my friend, no matter what. My opinion doesn't mean anything. Even if I was against it, he'd still be.. ya know, that way." he licked his lips again, before clearing his throat.
 
Aaron nodded. "So then you don't think being gay is nasty?" He couldn't help but ask.
 
"Don't misunderstand, the thought of a guy and I being sexual makes me sick. If Howie's into that sorta thing though... well, more power to him." Nick explained. He was starting to feel very uncomfortable with this conversation.
 
Meanwhile Brian sat outside on a bench thinking. His mind danced over he and Leighanne. He couldn't figure what had happened to them. They used to be so in love that it made those around them sick. Now... they couldn't get along for very long periods of time. She seemed to have other, more important interest and he was left feeling unfulfilled.
 
He sighed deeply and ran a hand over his mouth.
 
"Rok?" He heard Howie's voice. It sounded concerned. 
 
 The younger man closed his eyes, briefly trying to decide if he wanted company or not. He decided against being lonely.
 
He turned to Howie, with little attempt at a smile.
 
"Hey D." Howie almost didn't hear his words. 
 
"It's so hard seeing you like this. You're just not you."
 
Brian nodded slowly, "I'm just so confused as to what’s happening with us. It's making me ill."

Howie placed a hand on his shoulder, "I was just about to go do some shopping. Why don't you come with me?"

Brian groaned a little.

"Come on B; it'll take your mind off of things for a bit. Maybe even make you feel better." Howie warmly smiled.

"Fine; I'll go. Just let me tell Kevin or someone so they don't worry when I'm not around." Brian slowly stood. He just wanted to stick around the hotel and mope a little while longer before he had to put on a happy face for his fans. Deep down he knew Howie was right though. All this would make him feel a little better even if it where only temporary.

Howie nodded and stood also. He then walked quietly inside the hotel with Brian to help him find someone.

"Alex!" Brian called out dully seeing him on the other side of the lobby.

Alex turned to face him. He looked like shit. Brian knew why but now was not the time to confront him.

"Have you seen Kev or... Nick?" He wasn't comfortable telling Alex simply because he feared he was too high to remember to tell anyone.
 
 
He looked Brian over slowly, trying to focus on the question. He swallowed a bit as he search for an answer in his state.
 
"Kev is at the restaurant." He rasped. Howie watched sadly, as the younger man rested his forehead against his palms. He tugged at Brian's sleeve, dragging him in the direction of the hotel restaurant. Brian did his best to keep up with Howie's angry strides.
 
"Hey guys." Kevin smiled as they approached.
 
"Hey Kev, we're just letting someone know we're going shopping." Brian said.
 
For a moment Kevin seemed to choke on his ice water. "You two?"
 
"Yes, what's wrong with that?" Brian was confused.
 
"Brian, you don't shop and no offense but Howie, the only person you ever hang out with is Alex and yourself." Kevin explained to them. The two seemed too opposite of each other in a lot of ways.
 
"Alex is high... again. I'd rather spend time with someone who is gonna remember hanging out with me the next day." Howie sounded hurt still. He had every right to be. His best friend was turning into a big disappointment.
 
"Uh... ok... I can't say I disagree. Alex... well, don't get me started." Kevin now seemed angry too.
 
"Come on D." Brian said and tugged on his arm to leave. Just as they exited the restaurant they ran into Nick.
 
"Hey Bri. I was just trying to find you. I was wondering if you maybe wanted to play some ball."
 
"Sorry Nicky..." Brian began and rubbed the back of his head. He hated telling Nick no. "I'm just not in the mood to play. Plus I already told Howie I'd go shopping with him."
 
Nick froze in shock, "You two?"
 
"Why does everyone keep questioning that?" Brian asked.
 
Nick seemed to think, "Well cause..." He trailed off.
 
"You stay here and think about it, we'll be back later." Howie told him. He patted him on the head and then walked away.
 
Brian smiled at Nick's frustrated look. Nick hated when people patted him on the head.
 
"Catch ya later Nick."
 
Brian walked away after that to catch up with Howie.