Man! I Feel Like a Woman by evergreenwriter83, Pengi
Summary:
Photobucket


When the pregnancy test said they were having a baby, Nick thought that life was turning out positively awesome. But Becky went from being the sexy baby mama he'd always dreamed of to the pregnant monster from the black lagoon. Or maybe that chick from The Ring - Nick wasn't sure which. Either way - it's the stuff horror movies are made of. So when Brian gives Nick the perfect excuse to escape, he does... but add in one run in with Nurse Umbridge and the next thing you know the world is upside down once more.

Will Nick ever learn to understand women? Will Brian ever stop being a breast man? Yet another bromance is coming your way... Are you ready?

Categories: Fanfiction > Backstreet Boys Characters: Brian, Nick
Genres: Dramedy, Humor, Supernatural
Warnings: None
Challenges:
Series: Out of Body Series
Chapters: 19 Completed: Yes Word count: 26917 Read: 30682 Published: 02/21/11 Updated: 03/08/11
Story Notes:
evergreenwriter83 is the author of the first half of each chapter; Pengi is the author of the second half of each chapter.

1. Chapter 1 by evergreenwriter83

2. Chapter 2 by evergreenwriter83

3. Chapter 3 by evergreenwriter83

4. Chapter 4 by Pengi

5. Chapter 5 by evergreenwriter83

6. Chapter 6 by Pengi

7. Chapter 7 by evergreenwriter83

8. Chapter 8 by evergreenwriter83

9. Chapter 9 by Pengi

10. Chapter 10 by evergreenwriter83

11. Chapter 11 by evergreenwriter83

12. Chapter 12 by Pengi

13. Chapter 13 by evergreenwriter83

14. Chapter 14 by Pengi

15. Chapter 15 by evergreenwriter83

16. Chapter 16 by evergreenwriter83

17. Chapter 17 by evergreenwriter83

18. Chapter 18 by evergreenwriter83

19. Epilogue by evergreenwriter83

Chapter 1 by evergreenwriter83
Chapter One

"Nick! I need some ginger ale!"

Becky's voice floated through the open bathroom door. I was laying on the bed, a bowl of popcorn balanced on my chest, my eyes glued to the TV. The Bucs were playing the Steelers and it was the closest game I had ever seen. The clock was ticking down; it was the last two minutes. The Bucs had a chance to tie it for overtime with just a field goal.

"NICK!"

"Just a minute hun!" I called out. I grabbed a large handful of popcorn and tossed it up in the air. Several pieces landed by my head, but the majority landed in my mouth. I chewed vigorously.

For the last week, Becky had spent more time hugging the toilet than anything else. I had assumed that morning sickness occured in the morning. For Beckers, it was ALL. DAY. LONG. It was really putting a damper on my booty time.

"N---" Before Becky could finish, the gross sounds of wretching filled the air. I slapped at my side. My eyes glued on the projectory of the ball, I raised the volume on the TV.

"AND IT'S....GOOD!" the announcer cried. I tossed the mostly empty bowl of popcorn on the bedside table and jumped up, my fist flying towards the air. "YES!!! FUCKIN' YES! WE HAVE OVERTIIIIMMEEEEEE!!!"

"Nickolas Gene Carter!"

I tensed and slowly turned towards the door. Becky was holding her stomach, her face clammy and her eyes watery.

"Yes, dear?" I said sweetly.

"Football's more important than me?" she said.

My mouth fell open. "Wh--n-no, but overtime and--"

"I can't believe you! My back hurts, my boobs are about ready to explode--"

My eyes fell to her chest. I knew she was continuing to talk, but all I could do was stare. Nurse Busty was becoming Nurse Bursty. And I loved it.

"NICK!"

I glanced back at the TV. The Steelers and Bucs were getting into position. Becky marched forward and stood in front of the TV.

"You're a jerk," she said. I hadn't noticed the tears that had begun to pour down her face. "You have no idea how hard this is."

"Honey," I conjoled, swaying slightly to try to see the TV. "Having a baby is supposed to be the greatest time of a woman's life. You should really try to enjoy it more. I mean, it wasn't like I didn't work hard to knock you up."

"Excuse me?"

I knew I had put my foot in my mouth, but luckily the ringing of my cell saved me. I held up a finger as Becky fumed, and connected.

"Nick. Hollah."

"Nick?"

Bri sounded panicked. I heard the roar of the crowd on the TV and moved Becky out of the way. I stifled a groan. The Steelers had scored. End of game.

"Nick, I need you to come pick me up."

"Where are you?"

There was a pause. "The hospital."

"What? What happened?"

He hesitated. "I was having some chest pains and drove myself here."

"You drove---are you an idiot?"

"Coming from you?" he teased.

"Nick?" Becky said. "I need--" She turned and ran for the bathroom. I heard her begin to upchuck again. I needed to get away.

"I'll be right there. Where's Leigh?"

"Her and Baylee are back at home. I'm out here finishing up my solo album."

"Alright, well hold tight. Which hospital are you at? Becky's?"

"No, the other one. Closer to your place."

I grabbed my keys, ignoring the TV broadcasting the score in large 32" letters.

"I'll be right there."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


Ever since Nick's close call, I've hated hospitals. They remind me of almost losing my best friend. Throw on top of it the freakish incident that Howie and AJ had at a hospital, and lo - you've got one paranoid BRokster.

Every time a nurse came in I checked her over for warts, remembering Nick's description of Nurse Hatchet as he'd called her.

After what seemed like a decade, the tall blonde himself came whipping around the curtain like he was Indiana Jones. He was wearing a pair of dirty sweats and an awkward-hanging Buccaneers t-shirt that had a mustard stain going straight down the center of his chest. I blinked at him. "Becky lets you go out like this?" I asked, for lack of better greeting.

Nick squinted at me. "Becky doesn't exactly know that I left..."

"What???"

"Well she was upchucking and I felt bad interrupting her--"

"You left while she was puking?"

Nick shrugged, "Well you needed a ride..."

"You didn't even tell her?"

"I figured she'd figure it out..."

"Nick!" I wailed, "Ohmigosh! Why weren't you helping her?" I demanded.

Nick shrugged again, "I dunno... she's a nurse, she knows how to handle barf..."

I smacked my palm to my forehead. "Oh my Lord."

He looked a little sheepish.

"She's gonna be so pissed when she finds out..."

"Well I think she did," he said.

"Why do you--"

I didn't get to finish my sentence because his cellphone started blaring 'Faithfully' by Journey and he reached frantically for his buttpocket, struggling to yank out the phone. He quickly muted it and a chime told me he'd sent the call to voicemail. He looked up at me, again, sheepish, and muttered, "Cos I've ignored about 75 calls from the house."

"She's going to kill you," I said. "You don't just leave pregnant women at home alone when they're barfing..." I started to scold him, but he held up his hands, palm out.

"Dude, I am so tired," he declared. "You know the last time I watched a football game in peace? Or did anything without her upchucking for that matter?" He leaned closer to me. "Bri, she barfed during sex."

"Gross," I muttered.

"Yeah, it sucked cos she was totally riding me like a horse and --"

"Nick I don't need details..."

"It was just everywhere... All the hell over me..."

"Seriously Nick, the fact that it was during sex was TMI, I don't need the rest."

Nick shook his head, "I may never recover from the trauma."

I rolled my eyes. "Well get me out of here so you can get back to Becky before she slaughters you dead and you end up kicked to the curb. Which I don't blame her if she does, by the way. Do you know what Leighanne would've done if I'd ever left her while she was pregnant?" I demanded.

Nick snorted, "Dude, Leighanne's got your balls in chains, man," he said, "You follow her around with your penis on a leash..."

"My-- my p-- my p-- my member is not on a leash," I said, unable to say the P word.

"Uh huh," Nick laughed, "It totally is."

"Is not," I argued back.

Nick smirked. "Well, whatever man... I'm gonna go get those papers to get you outta here..." An with that, he frolicked from the room, pretending to drag a leash, and whistling for an imaginary dog to follow along behind him, grinning wickedly.

I shook my head. Nick might be married, but the fact is he wasn't ever gonna understand women... unless some kind of miracle occurred.
Chapter 2 by evergreenwriter83
Chapter Two

I was still dragging Brian's imaginary penis on my imaginary leash as I got to the front desk. A haggard young girl was bustling around waiting on three people at once. My butt started to vibrate and I shuffled from foot to foot.

"Can I help you?"

"Yes," I said in my most polite voice. "I'm here with my friend Brian Littrell and he's ready to sign himself out."

The girl sighed, picking up stack after stack of folders. "Okay...one minute."

"You."

Her voice sent chills up and down my spine. I whirled around. Nurse Ribbit was glaring at me, her eyes practically bugging out of her head.

"You still work here?" I asked increduously. "After what you did to my friends?"

"They're better off aren't they?" she asked coldly. I snorted.

"Dude, they went through hell. I don't know what kinda witchy-witchy-voo-dooey you're playing with but--"

"I heard Becky's pregnant," she interrupted. My eyes narrowed.

"If you curse my baby I'll, I'll---" for some reason the power of Howie compelled me. "I'll keel you."

Nurse Nightmare smiled and I almost barfed. She had the ugliest smile ever. It was almost better when she was scowling. It suited her more.

"I overheard you and your friend talking. You left her alone? Not a very supportive husband." She glanced at my wedding band. I rubbed it self-consciously along the side of my shirt. It still felt foreign on my finger.

"Listen, I'm just picking up my friend and we're leaving. In fact, you'll never see us in this hospital again. I don't mind a nice drive."

"I knew you were trouble when you were laying in ICU," Nurse Toad said. I was pretty sure she wasn't listening to a word I said. "Yet Becky had to save you. Now look. She's married to a pig who doesn't understand everything women go through."

"How would you know what women go through?" I responded. "I'm pretty sure you've never been one."

I swear to God at that moment lightning almost struck me dead. I felt like a million volts of electricity flew from her eyes straight into my chest. Her nostrils flared, more impressive than Brian's ever could. Then she smiled again.

"You'll be sorry you said that," she said. She turned and marched away.

When I was sure I wasn't going to piss my pants, I turned my head from side to side and mocked her. "You'll be sorry you said that," I said in a croaky voice.

"Here's Mr. Littrell's papers," the nurse said from behind me. I swiveled around and grabbed them. "Thanks."

Twenty minutes later, Bri and I were headed to our cars. We had performed an impressive show with the wheelchair before the attendant had taken it from us. We stopped in front of Bri's SUV.

"Well, thanks again," he said. I nodded. I leaned my head back against his car and closed my eyes.

"You okay?"

"I'm fine," I said. "I'm just suddenly really tired. With all that barf...I can't sleep with the barf, man."

"If I know Becky, you'll be sleeping on the couch tonight anyhow," Bri said. My eyes opened barely. I was really tired. An idea hit me.

"Can I...maybe...get a ride to your apartment? I could sleep a couple hours. You could bring me back here for my car and then at least I won't be sleep deprived while I get bitched at."

Bri shook his head. "No way. I don't want to be an accomplice."

"But, but...I'm really tired," I said. It was the truth. All of a sudden I just wanted to curl up on the hard cement and sleep for a million years. "Just for a couple hours. Pwwweeeassse?"

Bri sighed. He jingled his keys. "Fine."

I smiled. "Thanks," I said happily. I clumsily walked around to the passenger side door.

Just a little nap. That was all I needed.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


"Tired. So freaking tired." Nick stumbled through my apartment door and I sighed. How had him coming to pick me up at the hospital turned into me giving him a ride to my place to take a nap? Sometimes, I swear Nick is completely unaware of anything going on outside of his own three feet of personal space.

I watched as he zombied along to the living room and fell over the arm of the couch, pulling at the blanket that hung over the back of it onto himself and covering up his head. I rolled my eyes and went to the kitchen and chucked my keys onto the counter. They clanged as they hit a glass cookie jar. The sound of the jar made my tummy rumble, so I opened it and peeked inside. Empty. I sighed and turned to the fridge. Now I was just hungry.

I was rummaging around when the phone rang. I reached up absently and pulled it to my ear. "Hallo?" I asked, pushing aside a milk carton to discover a bowl of Unidentified Refridgerated Object behind it. I scowled.

"Brian?!" It was Leighanne. She sounded panicked. "Brian what the hell happened? What's the matter?"

"What?"

"The Los Angeles General Hospital just called me to tell me that you left your Wildcats hat there," she said.

Crap, I had put Leighanne's phone number instead of my own, hadn't I? I rubbed my chin and closed the fridge, the URI having wasted my appetite (yet I left it in there instead of taking it out...) and dropped into one of the kitchen chairs. "I'm fine honey," I answered.

"What happened? Why were you at the hospital?"

"I had a little bit of chest pains, from stress, that's all." I tried to keep my voice level and calm. "Seriously, just anxiety. That's all. They gave me some pills..."

"Who took you? Are you okay? Who's there with you?"

I drove myself sounded like such the wrong answer, so I decided to avoid question 1 and allow her to draw her own connections by answering number 3. "Nick's here, no worries."

"Nick?" Leighanne asked.

"Yeah," I said, "I called him and he --"

"He ditched Becky," she said, her voice flat. "Yeah I know all about that."

"How do you --"

"Becky called me in tears because Nick abandoned her," Leighanne said, "If you'd ever done that when I was pregnant..."

My cheeks pinkened, remembering Nick's imaginary penis dog and I said, "I know, I know... Trust me, I told him that..."

Leighanne sighed. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm positive," I answered.

"I worry about you," Leighanne was saying, "Especially when we're so far apart and --" I lost track of what Leighanne was saying because I heard a door slam somewhere in the apartment. I sat up an inched towards the door to the kitchen. It didn't look like Nick had moved from the sofa. I glanced around the room. No signs of life. I inched into the dining room further, as Leighanne continued talking. "...knowing where you are, and being able to take care of you..."

"Uh huh," I agreed absently.

The apartment suddenly seemed eerie. I glanced at the front door, and realized I hadn't locked it on our way in. I swallowed, wondering: had someone broken into the apartment?

"Honey, I gotta go," I said quietly.

"What? Brian? What's wrong?"

"I'll tell you later," I answered and I hung up the phone abruptly.

Grabbing a dirty coffee mug from the sink, I clutched it by the handle and raised it over my head. What exactly I thought a coffee mug would do me for protection, I'm not entirely sure, but I moved stealthly towards the hall, where the door slamming had come from, armed with my ceramic weapon.

Once I reached the hall, I heard the unmistakable sounds of -- of wretching?

I pushed opened the bathroom door and found a girl. A girl with long blonde hair, laying on the toilet bowl mat, her face buried in the toilet, puking her guts out. The girl's legs were sprawled, her feet covered in grotesquely dirty socks, her hair hanging around her like a curtain as she shuddered with heaves of puke. I jumped back in surprise, the mug dropping from my hand and shattering at my feet, chunks of ceramic going every which way. She turned and looked up at me with watery eyes at the sound of the shattering mug.

"Brian?" she asked.

I stared at her, my heart slamming in my chest.

"I think I have a problem," she groaned.
Chapter 3 by evergreenwriter83
Chapter Three

"Who are you? Why are you puking in my toilet? I'm calling the police!" Bri shrieked. He knelt down and picked up a jagged piece of the coffee mug he had dropped on the floor. My stomach did a 180 and I stuck my head in the bowl again, the bile burning my throat on the way up.

"Stop it! Stop it! That's my toilet!"

Bri was brandishing the chipped piece of ceramic like Zorro but he didn't dare take a step closer. "I'm married! My wife doesn't allow strange girls to puke in my toilet!"

At the sound of the word 'girl' I froze. I had woken up, suddenly feeling sicker and weirder than I had ever felt in my entire life. I had run straight to the toilet. I was pretty sure I would have noticed if a girl had entered the apartment. After making sure I wasn't going to throw up all over myself, I sat back, looking up at him in confusion.

"What girl?"

Maybe it was because the sound of the wretching had played havoc with my hearing before, but as soon as I spoke, I knew something was wrong. The voice that left my mouth was soft, high, and sweet. I coughed.

"What girl?" I repeated. The same voice came out.

"YOU! WHO THE H-E-DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS ARE YOU?!" Bri screeched.

It was then that I had the good sense to look down. I screamed.

I had a chest. Not just a pathetic chest like Calista Flockhart. No, I had a chest to rival Becky. I scrambled to my feet, ignoring Bri's continuing wails of fear and stared into the mirror. I screamed again.

The face looking back at me was not my own. Long blonde hair framed a slender face. She had my eyes, but that's where the similarities ended.

"What the fuck's going on?" I screamed. I turned around, my hands braced on the sink. I felt sweaty and gross and...and...

I rushed to the toilet again. I didn't think it was possible I could have any more to throw up, but a bunch of sick acid landed in the water.

"I'm...I'm going to call the cops now," Bri said. By this time he was hovering at the door, ready to bolt. I turned to him, and wiped my mouth...except it wasn't my mouth. The lips were too slender and pouty and...

"Bri, it's Nick. Nick. Something's wrong. Really wrong."

"Nick? NICK?" Bri repeated dumbfounded. "What did you do to Nick!?"

"I am Nick!"

"Nick was on the couch!" Bri turned and cupped his hands around his mouth. "NICK!!!" When no one responded he whirled around again, his nostril's flaring as bad as...

As bad as Nurse Hatchet.

"THAT SHE-DEVIL!" I shrieked. The shriek was so feminine it wasn't funny. It sounded like Becky the one time she saw a mouse.

"What she-devil?" Bri sputtered. "You're a she-devil? Oh Lord, oh Lord, Leigh's going to kill me. I'm pretty sure I can't be around she-devil's."

I got up again and flew towards him. I was appaled to realize I was even shorter than he was. I grabbed his shirt. "No, you idiot! Nurse Hatchet! She turned me into...into..." I reached down and touched a boob. I slid my hand over and grabbed the other. They ached and I pulled my hand away like it was on fire.

"SHE TURNED ME INTO A CHICK!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I couldn't help it.

I've never been able to help it.

When the girl started grabbing at her breats, I stared at them. My jaw dropped. They were huge... they were squishy... they were SEXY. I swallowed a big mouthful of saliva as she jiggled and wiggled them right there in front of me, shrieking something about Nurse Hatchet. I could no longer hear her, though, not really, not over the breasts.

Lord, forgive me, for I may sin if those things keep flippity-floppity-ing in my face.

I am a married man.

Married.

I spun my ring on my finger.

But... the breasts...

"ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?!?" Her voice was so shrill, it snapped into my reverie. I looked up. I nodded. "No you aren't! Oh my God." She turned, her hair whipping around her, the breasts ducking toward the shower, the trance-spell broken, and made a frustrated grunting sound. "I'm going through absolute estrogen-charged hell and you're standing there like a big baffoon..."

I blinked.... and came to my senses. "POLICE! NICK!! CALL THE COPS!! CALL THE FBI! FOR THE LOVE OF PETE, CALL SOMEBODY!!" I bolted into the hallway, away from the She-Devil. I was sprinting. I could feel my heart slamming around in my rib cage.

THUMP!

I hit the carpet and it gave me rug burn up my knees. I was being straddled across the back by the She-Devil. "NIIIIIIIIIIIII IICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I screamed.

"She made me do it," I pictured myself trying to explain the infidelity to Leighanne. "She pinned me down and screwed me before I had a chance to get away... And Nick slept on the couch the entire time."

"I CAN'T HAVE SEX WITH YOU!" I hollored as I struggled to get away.

"GROSS!!!" she yelled.

Okay, now I didn't want to be raped by a woman, but when a guy says no and the woman responds with gross, a guy can't be blamed for wondering why, right? "Gross?" I demanded, "GROSS? Why the hello-kitty is that gross?"

"I ain't havin' sex with no dude," came the response.

I wriggled out of the loosened grip and pointed at the uber-round-protruding pregnant belly. "Well," I said, "You might've wanted that memo a few months ago."

She looked down. "Holy SHIT NUTS! I'm pregnant?"

"You're just realizing this?"

"Brian, I'm telling you," she said, "It's me-- Nick."

"You're a psychotic maniac," I yelled.

"Yeah but I'm also Nick!"

"Nick is on my couch, don't play with me!" I said, "NICK!!!" I added for good measure, "YOU BETTER BE CALLING THE COPS!"

She rolled her eyes, "You aren't listening to me, why won't you listen to me?" She was suddenly near tears.

"Because you're talking crazy talk!" I answered.

The tears were now rolling down her face. "I'm not crazy, I'm telling the truth. Why are you being so mean to me?"

I can't stand it when women cry. I felt that hollow weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. I inched closer. "I'm sorry," I said, "Don't cry, okay? I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. It's just that... you're... you aren't Nick."

"NO SHIT SHERLOCK!???" she suddenly wailed, loudly. I jumped backward. "I have boobs!"

Again with the squeezing.

I closed my eyes.

"Yes, yes you do, and they're very - they're nice, but I'm - I'm married, and I can't - I can't look at them."

"I don't WANT YOU looking at my boobs!" she wailed, "I don't even WANT boobs. Well I want boobs but I don't want these boobs. Well not these boobs on my body anyways. I would take'em on another body. Like Becky's body. Oh my God, I'm a lesbian!"

I peeked out the corner of my eye.

"Becky's not a lesbian. What the hell am I gonna do? Now we're gonna have two kids. TWO KIDS. I can't even handle ONE kid... not to mention two. What if Becky doesn't wanna be lesbians?"

I stared at her.

"Briannnnnnn," she wailed, in the most recognizable whiny tone ever, "I don't waaaaaannna be a womaaaaaaan!"

"Ohmilord," I muttered... and promptly passed out.
Chapter 4 by Pengi
Chapter Four

I know the right thing to do would have been to help Bri. I should have thrown some cold water on him or slapped his face or something like that.

But I was a girl and that seemed a lot more important than my best friend laying passed out on the floor. I stared into the mirror again.

I hadn't made it past the boobs last time. This time I noticed the belly. I don't know how I could have missed it before. Bri hadn't been exaggerating about the 'uber-round' belly. It was much bigger than Becky's, which truthfully, wasn't that big. Becky was like three and a half months along, just big enough to start looking pregnant. I was like a million months pregnant.

Of course, the little brown tank top I was wearing didn't help matters. I suddenly felt like hyperventalati ng. I sank down on the toilet seat and tried to throw my head between my legs. I couldn't; the huge balloon of my waist got in the way.

"I'm a girl," I mumbled. "I've got boobs. I'm pregnant. Becky's going to kill me. Becky's--"

I tossed my hands around helplessly and began to talk to myself. "Becky can't find out. She's pregnant and overemotional and she'll blame me. Everything's my fault. She'll be like 'Nick I can't believe you turned yourself into a woman. You're a pig.' I just have to go back to the hospital, put the old witch in a headlock, and get my penis back."

I looked over at Bri. He turned his head and moaned. I walked over and crouched down beside him.

"Hey, wake up!" I lightly smacked his face. "You gotta take me back to the hospital!"

It took a few more slaps, but Bri finally opened his right eye. He immediately closed it.

"You're still here," he mumbled.

"Not for long. Take me back to the hospital. Please?"

A half hour later, I was sitting in the passenger seat. I was wearing a pair of Bri's sweatpants and a hoodie. Don't ask me why, but he also gave me a new pair of socks. I swatted at the long pieces of hair that kept clinging to my face.

"You can't be a girl," Bri said for the millionth time. "It's not humanly possible."

"It wasn't possible for AJ and Howie to switch bodies," I pointed out.

"That's different. They were both guys. That's at least understandable . You. You..."

Bri glanced over at me. I grabbed my crotch and teared up. "I'm dickless."

Bri blanched. "Let's not talk about it."

"We don't have to," I said. "As soon as we get back to the hospital I'm getting my penis back."

For the first time ever, Bri actually sped. He swung into the emergency room entrance and parked by the door. I unbuckled my seatbelt.

"Should I wait for you?" Bri asked. I waved him away. "No need. I've got this covered."

He didn't look convinced, but I think just being in my presence was making me nervous. As soon as I closed the door, he sped off. Yanking up the jogging pants, I walked through the entrance.

"Can I help you?" the same woman from earlier asked.

"I need to talk to Nurse Hatchet," I said confidently. She looked at me like I was crazy. "Excuse me?"

I suddenly realized her name wasn't Hatchet, but I couldn't remember what it was. "She's short and she looks like a toad. Her eyes are all beady and..."

"Ohhhh." The woman nodded. "I'm sorry, but she's not here."

I slapped my hands on the counter, lamenting at how feminine they looked. "What do you mean she's not here?"

"She's on vacation."

"Well, where does she live?" I blurted. "It's an emergency. I'm her...her...ni ece!"

The woman's forehead creased.

"I'm sorry ma'am, but I can't give you that information. Besides, she's not at home. More than likely her flight's already taken off."

"Her flight? Where is she going?"

The woman shrugged. Behind her I could see a couple other employees having what looked like a party. "She's going to Romania or Egypt or something."

Little stars appeared before my eyes. Romania? Egypt?

"When will she be back?" I mumbled. The woman looked at my gigantic stomach and then back up at me sympatheticall y.

"In a month."

A month. After bursting into uncontrollable tears, I pulled myself together. I had put my car keys in the pocket of the jogging pants. I got behind the wheel and exhaled.

I couldn't go home. There was only one place I could hide out.

Back to Brian's I went.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


I'd gotten home, studied the abandoned blanket and the mess in the bathroom and tried to figure out what had happened. Obviously Nick hadn't really turned into a girl. This was a well designed prank. I tried to remember the last time I'd irritated Nick and if he'd gotten be back yet. Of course, with Nick there isn't always a reason for pulling a prank. I paced and ran my hands through my hair and wandered from the door to the sofa, trying to remember if I'd heard the front door.

Leighanne had been babbling so much that I --

Leighanne.

I sprang to the kitchen and snapped the phone from its cradle and dialed her cell phone number. "Hello?" she sang into the phone.

"Hey!" I said, breathless, "Sorry about that."

"You okay?" she laughed, "You sound like you just ran a marathon..."

"Yeah no, I'm okay, I was - walking around the apartment."

"Ummm, oka--y..." Leighanne laughed awkwardly. "Is everything all right? You hung up abruptly before."

I nodded, even though she couldn't see me. "Oh. Yeah, yes. I just was dealing with Nick. You know Nick. Always pranking and stuff..." I rubbed the back of my head with my hand. "He's a real goofball."

"You sure you're okay?"

Somehow I've gone crazy and so has Nick didn't seem like a good answer. "Yes," I lied.

Suddenly my apartment door slammed open, "Briii-iiiian?" sang out the shrill girls' voice from before. "Brian?"

"Who the hell is that?" Leighanne asked.

"It's - It's - It's Jenn," I lied, "She wanted to talk about the Backstreet-New Kids tour and..."

"That doesn't sound like Jenn..."

"BRIIIAAANNN? Helloooooo, I know you're hoooome!"

"Brian, who the h--"

"Gotta gooo!" I sang, slamming down the phone.

Leighanne was probably gonna slaughter the heck out of me and sell my skins on eBay like a bear rug. Some fan would buy me and do dirty things to my skins. I didn't like that idea.

"BRIANNNNN?"

"Okay, look," I said, stepping into the foyer from the kitchen. The tall, blonde, pregnant woman stood in the door way all pretty and stuff... and my mouth went a little teeny bit dry. "Look, you've taken this far enough..." I whispered, "This acting... acting like you're..." I was staring at her breasts again.

They were perfect. Even more perfect than Leighanne's.

"Oh my God, stop staring at my tits," she gasped, covering them with her arms. "I have a face too, you know!"

"Sorry," I apologized. I looked up at her eyes, trying to convince myself that her breasts weren't worth looking down again for. I stared into those blue glistening eyes. Where the hell had he found some chick with the same eyes as him? Those same gorgeous blue eyes...

Wait wait, whoa, I sound like a fan, thinking of Nick's eyes. Maybe I should stare at her boobs, just to make sure I'm still a man.

"Brian, look," she said, "I just - I got to the hospital and Hatchett's in like friggin' Egypt or something..." she sighed, "So I gotta stay here until she gets back..."

"Whoa hold up, no - no no no. I can't have a woman staying in my apartment," I said, "I'm a married man." I looked her toes to forehead. "Look, sweetie, I dunno what Nick told you or paid you to do this, but..."

"Brian, I am Nick!"

"Okay, look, it's cute. You're doing good keeping up the story, but Nick's not here now and you can give up the charade..."

"I'm not fuckin' with you dude!" she wailed.

I sighed.

"Seriously, I'll prove it."

"You can't, you aren't--"

"Your greatest fear isn't really heights," she gasped out the words, "It's squirrels. You hate squirrels. You'll pretend they're fuzzy and cute and whatever but really they give you the heebie jeebies and you hate them. You worry they're gonna throw acorns at you from the trees."

I stared at her.

"Nick told you to say that," I snapped. "I can't believe he told anyone that I just can't--"

"You have a mole!" she wailed, "On your left ass cheek."

I blinked. "I don't even know why Nickwould know that."

"I dunno why I know that," she admitted, "But I do! I do! Don't you believe me?"

She'd jumped up and down, making her breasts move again. I stared as they settled themselves once more, then forced myself not to stare at them. I looked up at her eyes. I hesitated. Then I asked, "If you're really Nick..." I couldn't believe I was even saying those words, "...then tell me who Senor Giddyup is."

Her eyes connected with mine. I thought for a moment it was confusion that I was seeing there, but then the laughter reached her mouth and the corners of her eyes folded in amusement. I waited. Finally, after a long bout of giggles, she squeaked, "Our secret name for Howie's stage boners."

"Holy cheez-its, man, it is you!" I whelped. I didn't pass out this time though, my jaw dropped and we just stared at each other for a long time. Did breath go out first or in first? I couldn't remember. My eyes skimmed her - his? - pregnant body and I remembered lamaze breathing. "Hoo-ha-hee, hoo-ha-hee, hoo-ha-hee..."

"What the hell are you doing?" Nick asked.

"Breathing."

"Okaa-aay..."

His cluelessness sobered me up. "Nick, don't you do lamaze with Becky?"

"Is that like a sex position? It sounds hot!" his eyes sparkled.

"No!" I said, rolling my eyes back at him, "It's breathing techniques... for when the baby comes out..."

"Oh that," Nick said. He paused, "I dunno, I think she signed us up for something about breathing or something but the game was on and..."

He'd absently started rubbing his boobs while he was talking. Like for no reason, just randomly started rotating his fingers around the nippular area. I was transfixed. He was talking but I couldn't hear it. I stared at the breasts, practically salivating.

Nick suddenly noticed my absence of mind. "Dawg, seriously, stop. That's really creepy."

"Stop rubbing them then!"

Nick looked down and realized he was massaging his nips and dropped his hands quickly. "Je-sus," he murmured...

"Don't use the Lord's name in vain man."

"I had no idea I was doing that." He looked at me, "Dude. I just felt myself up."

I stared at him for a long moment (in the eyes). "This is like that question about how women get anything done with mirrors around..." I muttered, "Cos they could spend all day seeing breasts..."

Nick's eyes widened.

"Nick?"

"I'll be in the bathroom!" And with that, he ran.

I stood in the hallway, blinking at the place where he'd been standing, mystified. My best friend was a woman with the most absolutely perfect breasts I'd ever seen.

Please don't tell Leighanne I thought about Nick's boobs.
Chapter 5 by evergreenwriter83
Chapter Five

"Nick?" Bri's voice called from the other side of the bathroom door.

"NOT NOW!" I yelled.

I was standing in front of his bathroom mirror, buck-ass naked...

And I was disappointed.

No one had told me, or maybe Becky did and I just wasn't listening, how dark and swollen pregnant boobs get. They weren't the creamy things that I loved to bury my head into and make fish-lips on. I mean they were creamy, but they also looked baby-fied. It wasn't that they weren't nice, because of course all boobs are nice. They just weren't as nice as others I had seen. They weren't made for man. They were made for crying, wiggling little dudes. Or dudettes.

It didn't help matters that the moment I had seen them reflected in the mirror I realized that my Becky's girls were going to start looking the same way.

"Nick?"

Bri's voice was irritating me. I was getting ready to cry. This was stressful. I couldn't handle stress. I knew I shouldn't cry over boobs, but I couldn't help it. I turned to the side and looked at my profile. I grabbed another handful. It wasn't as fun as I thought it was going to be. It was less than fun. It was de-fun. I sniffled.

"Go away!"

"Are you okay?"

"I'm ugly!"

There was a long pause. "Well, um..."

"See! You know I'm ugly and you just can't say it!" I wailed. "You...you...pig!"

"Pig? No, wait! I don't think you're ugly! In fact, you're very pretty."

"You're just saying that!"

"No, really. I'm..."

I turned away from the mirror and opened the door just a crack. I pressed an eye to the small space I had created. Bri had his hand on the door, his head lowered. He turned and looked at me.

"Hi," he said stupidly.

"I'm pretty?" I asked in a small voice. Bri's face turned tomato red.

"I so can't have this conversation with you."

I felt a big tear fall from my eye. Bri looked panicked.

"Please," he begged. "I can't stand to see girls cry."

"If this had to happen to me," I whimpered. "I wanted to at least be a hot chick."

And with that I slammed the door again. I sank down on the toilet, my bare ass instantly freezing on the cold seat. I was unrolling some toilet paper to sop up my face, when I heard Bri start to mutter. "This is ridiculous. This can't be happening to me."

I gasped. The next thing I knew I was back on my feet and yanking the door open.

"Excuse me? This can't be happening to you? What exactly is happening to you?"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


I blinked.

I squeezed my eyes shut, then opened them again.

Yup. Still there.

"Why... why are you.. are you..." I stammered, my shaking finger pointing at- at- I dunno, Nick? But not Nick. Not even close to the nekkid-Nick I'd seen in prior years. Not even remotely close.

Nick looked down. "What? Grossing you out with my disgusting body? Don't look so grossed out, you- you-" he turned and although the gorgeous baby-ready boobs had disappeared from view, the moon that he gave me wasn't a bad sight, either. I gasped. "Stop it! Stop it you're making me feel all.. all.. ugly.. and..." He whimpered.

"You aren't ugly," I stammered, "Stop that."

"Stop thinking I am, then," he cried.

“Nick..." I whispered, “You’re…” I swallowed every ounce of pride I had left. “You’re sexy,” I whispered, “So stop.”

He turned his head to look over his shoulder at me. “Really?” he squeaked.

“Yeah-huh,” I nodded dumbly.

“Really-really, Brian?” he asked, turning a little bit more.

I now had a lovely side view. I swallowed once more. “Uh-huh,” I nodded again, still dumb.

A smile broke across his face and – without any warning – he sprang across the bathroom, arms spread wide, and jumped on me. Those squishy-squashy boobs pressed into my chest and I stumbled backwards from the weight and force of him, slamming into the door. It closed and his arms wrapped around my neck. I closed my eyes.

If Leighanne could see me right about now… I’d be a dead man.

“Oh Brian I’m so glad you don’t think I’m ugly!” he wailed loudly.

“Will you stop it?” I pleaded, “Please? Get offa me…” I started to push him off me but my hands connected with the very last thing I wanted to touch on him (her?). I drew back my hands quickly, sticking them up over my head. “Oh Lordy,” I groaned.

“Ohhh wow,” he moaned, jumping back. His eyes were wide. “Holy cow, no wonder girls like that.” He looked like a chihuahua dog, the way his eyes were bugging. “That was incredible.”He looked down at his chest. I covered my eyes. “Do it again?” he begged.

“NO!” I yelled, “Go away!” I blindly turned around and felt the door for the knob, “You’re sick. You know that? You know how twisted and sick and –“ I couldn’t find the knob. I started to panic. “Where the HELL is the door knob?” I snapped, getting frustrated enough to actually say hell instead of spell it like I usually did.

I felt Nick lean around me and grab the knob. The door opened and I fled into the hallway. But I wasn’t alone. He followed after me. “Brian wait,” he begged. “Please, this isn’t all that weird, is it really?”

“Stop it!” I yelled, “Go away!” I squinted enough to make it to my bedroom and pushed the door opened and slammed it shut before he could follow me in, twisting the lock Leighanne and I employed when we wanted some private mommy and daddy time, so Baylee wouldn’t see more than he needed to. I stood in the center of my bedroom, my hands shaking. “Shit,” I muttered. I turned to my nightstand and started fishing for the pills the nurse had given me that morning until my prescription could be fulfilled.

Stress was gonna kill me, I swear to God…

“Briiii-iiiaan,” Nick called through the door, “C’mon, can’t we talk about this?”

“Put clothing on, you freaking exhibitionist,” I retorted. I found the bottle of anti-anxiety meds and twisted the cap open. In my haste, I dropped the bottle and the pills spilled every which way. “Shit,” I groaned again, dropping to my hands and knees to collect the medication from the floor.

“Brian, please,” Nick’s voice was watery and tearful again. “This isn’t fun for me, either you know.”

“You wouldn’t know it the way you’re acting,” I responded, “Asking me to rub you… Good Lord, Nick, what the hell are you thinking? I mean –“ I stopped mid-sentence, though because I’d just cut my hand. I’d reached under the bed and caught it on a nail that stuck up kind of awkwardly from the hardwood flooring. That was why we’d put the bed in that corner of the room to begin with. Blood was traveling down my palm to my wrist.

Like I needed something more to go wrong.

I struggled to my feet and opened the door. Nick was standing in the hall, clutching a towel to his feminine chest. “’scuse me,” I muttered, pushing by him, holding my palm aloft.

He glanced at my palm. “Oh my God,” he muttered in a tone so like Leighanne talking to Balyee, “Is that blood?”

“Yeah.” I made my way back towards the bathroom. The bathroom, the site of the weirdest happenings in my entire life, was quickly becoming my least favorite room in the apartment. Nick pranced along behind me.

“Brian you’re bleeding everywhere,” Nick said. He grabbed my hand and disengaged the towel from his chest, wrapping it gently around my palm. “C’mon.” He led me into the bathroom and turned on the faucet, dropping my palm into the water. I winced. “Don’t,” he said, pulilng my palm back into the stream, “Let the blood wash way.” He turned away and started tugging on the sweats and t-shirt I’d given him to wear to the hospital earlier. “Sorry about being all.. .you know… naked and horny and stuff,” he muttered.

“It’s okay,” I muttered back.

Nick came back and pulled my palm out from the stream of water and stared at my hand. “It’s not bad enough to get stitches,” he said quietly. “Do you got a first aid kit?”

“With you around? Of course.” I kicked the under-the-sink cabinet. “In there.”

Nick knelt down and opened the cabinet door and fished around inside. When he turned to stand up, he was face-to-crotch with me and he snorted. “Brian,” he giggled, “Did I cause that?”

I looked down.

“Shut up.”

Nick grinned. “I really am sexy, huh?” he stood up, eyes glittering.

“I said shut up,” I said.

Nick’s face glowed proudly as he opened the first aid kit and started administering the bandages and Neosporin to my hand. “I can’t believe I gave you a boner,” he hissed.

“Dude, I said shut up,” I repeated for the third time.

Nick grinned. “It’s okay, Brok,” he said, “I still love ya.”

He was really lucky he was a girl or else I’d have to hit him.
Chapter 6 by Pengi
Chapter Six

"I can't wear these," I whined.

Bri was laying on the couch watching TV and I think trying to ignore me. I stood in front of the TV.

"I can't wear these," I repeated.

Bri tilted his head, trying to see the TV. I swayed to keep his view blocked. He slowly looked up at me. His face turned red.

"You can't wear what?"

I pulled at the jogging pants. "They're too long."

That made him grin. "I never thought I'd see the day when you were shorter than me," he twanged.

"I never thought I'd see the day when I had bo--"

"Don't say it!" Bri bellowed. "Don't say THE WORD!"

I clamped my mouth shut and gave him a couple seconds to calm down. When he did, I started in again.

"Besides I don't have any underwear. My foreign hoo-ha's just hanging out. Can I borrow a pair of Leighanne's?"

I had been saying the wrong things all day, but that seemed to take the cake. He scrambled up into a seated position. "Are you nuts? You can't wear my wife's..."

Before he could go into a long explanation about why I couldn't wear his wife's underwear, the phone rang. Bri scrambled for it, no doubt fearing it was wifey herself.

"Leighanne?" I guessed. Bri worked his jaw side to side.

"Becky."

I groaned. "Don't answer it."

"I've got to answer it! She's just like you. If she doesn't succeed once, she'll just keep trying. And if I still ignore her, she'll come over here."

That thought scared the beejeebies out of me. "Answer it!" I squealed.

Bri's finger punched connect and he leaned back.

"Littrell residence," he said politely and as if there were more Littrells than just him in the apartment. He listened for a moment. I could hear Becky's voice rising, even though I couldn't make out what she was saying.

"Where's Nick? Well that's a funny story..." Bri said slowly. I waved my hands in the air. He didn't look my way. "He followed me back here and he was just about ready to stop by the florist for some flowers and candy when he got another phone call."

Flowers and candy? I thought. "I'd like some candy," I said aloud. Bri's hand smacked the air. I sank down on the carpet and pouted.

"Who was calling him? It was...it was Aaron. Yeah Aaron. A whole bunch of Backstreet fans mauled him and they got into a big argument. Nick didn't give me all the details, but he said something about needing to see Angel. I think she's in Sacramento now. Yeah, Sacramento."

I made a face. I knew Angel well enough to know she would more likely be in Paris or someplace awesome like that.

"He hasn't called you? Well, I'm sure he's okay. Maybe he'll text you or something."

My eyes widened. I crawled over to the coffee table and grabbed my phone. I couldn't speak to her, but I could text her. I bit my lip and stared at the blank state.

On a flight to Tampa. Going to see mom and Angel. Aaron nuts. Hope u r okay. Drink some ginger ale.

I hit send, feeling pretty proud of my romantic message. Bri was stammering through the end of his conversation.

"He just texted you?" Bri said. We shared a look. Bri quickly turned away. A moment later he coughed.

"I think him telling you to drink ginger ale is probably the same as 'I love you.' Am I right?"

Bri winced. I stuck my finger in my mouth and began to chew my nail. Bri leaned forward.

"Yes, I promise you if I talk to him before you I will tell him he's a giant dick and that he shouldn't hurry home," he said in monotone. "As a side note, let me know if you need anything, okay?"

From the phone I heard a loud wail. Bri paled. "Please don't cry. I hate when girls cr--"

He held the phone away from him. "She hung up," he said dumbfounded.

"She didn't like my text message?" I asked, talking around my finger. The moment I said it, I felt the weirdest feeling in my stomach. It was like a persistant little...kick. Bri turned to look at me.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm chewing my nail!" I said, still concentrating more on what was happening in the large basketball of a belly I was sporting.

"You're sucking your finger!"

"So?"

Bri buried his face in his hands. "Oh Lord."


**********************


Nick just didn't seem to get it. Becky was pissed, but he was completely clueless to why. I felt like shaking him by the shoulders. Even in the mind and body of a woman, the guy was still an imbicile when it came to what women wanted. I wondered if I'd ever been this stupid. How long had it taken Leighanne to "train" me to understand her?

"Can't you just take a breather a sec and imagine what Becky's feeling right now?" I demanded, "Rather than whining?"

"But I put a lot of thought into that text," he whimpered, "And instead of just appreciating me she goes and says I shouldn't bother coming home quickly... Doesn't she miss me?"

"Well, you did run off to Florida with no real warning," I pointed out.

Nick pouted. Suddenly, his face paled and he bolted out of the room.

"Nick?" I called after him.

The bathroom door slammed as a response. I sighed as further wretching sounds emanated from the hallway. I wandered down the hall and pushed the bathroom door open and, like deja-vu, found the blonde woman sprawled across the bathroom floor. "You're supposed to be past this part of the pregnancy," I muttered, coming up behind him.

"Shut up," he moaned through a mouthful of bile.

"I'm just saying."

"I feel gross."

An evil-evil-evil idea struck me. Becky was so going to worship me. I turned towards the door.

"Where you going?" he asked sadly.

"The game's on," I said.

His eyes filled with tears. "But I'm puking."

"Drink some ginger ale, I hope you feel better," I said, trying to quote what he'd texted Becky.

He hiccupped. "But Brian," he groaned.

"The game's on," I whined in my best impression of him.

Nick's eyes spilled tears across his cheeks. "Brian please," he cried into the toilet. This was quickly followed by further wretching. I felt a tug in my stomach. Nick had always been the most horrible-sounding barfer I'd ever heard in my entire life. He managed to make it sound like his stomach was being pulled out of his throat somehow. I closed my eyes to keep my own lunch down. "Please," he belched.

I sighed, "Why don't you understand that I wanna go watch the game?"

"Aren't I more important than the game?" he asked.

"Isn't Becky?" I countered.

Nick looked up at me with watery eyes. "Becky?"

"Get some ginger ale?" I asked, trying to jog his memory.

His eyes widened, "Oh my --" but he was cut off by a fresh round of puke.

Satisfied that he'd caught on what I was saying, I inched closer, sat myself down on the edge of the bath tub, and collected his long hair into my hand, holding it back, away from his face. I rubbed his back. Flashbacks of the early months of Leighanne's pregnancy with Baylee floated through my mind and I smiled nostalgically. "It's okay, sweetie," I said, more to the Leighanne in my memory than to the Nick before me.

"S-s-sweetie?" he mumbled around a mouthful of whatever-he'd-had-for-breakfast.

I patted him awkwardly. "Yeah, it's gonna be okay."

He looked up at me. "I need panties, Brian. Your sweatpants are stuck up in my va-jay-jay."

"Okaaaay, so we'll go get you underwear," I said. "And me some new sweatpants." I shuddered at the thought of wearing the pants again, knowing that Nick's newfound va-jay-jay had touched them.

He blinked up at me wetly, "Can I have a thong so I can stare at it in the mirror?" he asked.

I raised my eyebrow.

"Maybe a lacy one?"

"Nick?"

He grinned, "I could give it to Becky as a present afterwards, too..."

I rolled my eyes. "Now there's a good present to give a wife when you've abandoned her, pregnant and puking, to go to Florida without announcing yourself..."

"I have magic hips," he said, running his hands across his body. He looked down. "Well I did. I also had a magic pe--"

I stood up, "OKAY!" I yelled, interrupting him, "Lets go buy you some undies."

Nick grinned wickedly. "I know just the place."
Chapter 7 by evergreenwriter83
Chapter Seven

"Oh my Heavens, I can not go in there with you."

"Why not?"

Bri was sitting in the car, sh arms on the steering wheel, staring at the building in disbelief. I was already undoing my seatbelt.

"Why can't you be like normal girls and go to Wal-mart?"

"Wal-mart? Are you serious? Does Leighanne buy panties at Wal-mart?"

Bri flushed. "Well, no...but."

I smiled teasingly. "Does she have her own brand of Wylee panties? Does she only wear what she makes? Do you put rhinestones on them for her? Is that part of your penis-on-a-leash contract?"

Bri glared at me. "Shut up about the p-p--it's not on a fucking leash!"

My mouth dropped open in surprise. Bri never cussed. Never. I mean, he used to when we were just starting out, but not often. Howie even cussed way more than he did. But he had just gone and said fucking.

And I was mortified at how hot it sounded coming from his mouth.

"I'm sorry," Rok said quickly. "It's just this has been a very stressful day and--"

"Stressful? Imagine how I feel!"

I don't know why, but I touched my boobs again. I had a feeling that maybe if I actually had a bra I'd stop doing it so much. Bri undid his seat belt.

"Let's just get this over with, okay?"

"You're going in with me, right?" I asked. "Because I can't use my credit card. You know what happened to AJ when he tried to use his bankcard when he looked like Howie."

Bri winced. "Yes, I remember. And unfortunately, if you attempt something embarassing I guess I feel a duty to stop you."

"Me? Embarassing? C'mon. Besides, it's not like I haven't been here before."

With that, we both got out of the car and shut the doors. With a smile I sauntered up to the doors. Bri caught up to me and opened it. I looked at him in surprise.

"Force of habit," he muttered. I laughed.

"Thank you."

Victoria's Secret was just as pink, if not pinker, than ever. I took a moment to take it all in.

"Just go get some panties," Bri hissed.

"Can I help you?"

I squealed. A salesclerk appeared out of nowhere.

"No," Bri said quickly.

"Yes," I said. The salesclerk was staring at my outfit and I was feeling self- conscious. that in itself was weird because I never felt self- conscious.

"What are you looking for this evening?"

"Everything," I said. "I need panties, and bras, and shirts and..."

"You're in luck," the lady said happily, no doubt thinking about how big her commission was going to be. "We just added a maternity line last month."

"What luck," Rok said under his breath.

"What size are you?" the lady asked as I followed her deeper into the store.

"Size? I don't really know..."

"You don't know your clothing size? Your bra size? Your panty size?"

For the millionth time today I teared up. "All I've worn so far is this," I said.

The look of disgust was masked by sympathy. "Oh dear." She shot an evil look at Bri. "Well let's fix you right up."

Bri sank down in a chair and I was lead into a dressing booth. The lady whipped out a tape measure from out of thin air. "Go ahead and strip down."

I did as I was told and stood there with arms outstretched. She began to make her way around me and I've got to admit, I probably could get used to being lesbians with Becky. Maybe it was just the baby hormones, but anyone touching me felt awesome.

"Okay," the lady finally said. "You wait right here. Are you looking for cute? sexy?"

"Both," I said. I figured it I was cute and sexy as a male that I shouldn't be any different as a female.

"I'll be right back," she said.

I stood there staring at myself in the mirror again. Maybe it had just been Brian's mirror, because I was seeing an uber-hot girl in the mirror. Pregnant, yes. But still uber hot.

"Hey Bri!" I called out.

"What?"

"I am hot!"

I heard a groan. I peeked through the curtain, but just as I did the woman came back. In her arms was heaps and heaps of panties, bras, outfits, and pajamas. She smiled as I backed up and she walked back into my dressing room.

"Let's get started, shall we?"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


"Oh yeah, I like that..." Nick's voice was echoing out of the dressing room. I hoped he was talking about the lingerie and not the fitting. I closed my eyes and leaned back against the chair, sighing heavily.

"Like -- Oh my God, you're Brian Littrell!" the voice was accented thickly southern. I opened one eye and leaning over me was a tall, semi-obese brown haired woman with her hair in tight braids, ala Laura Ingles Wilder. I blinked my eyes open more widely and saw she was holding aloft four bras whose cups Nick and I could've cut apart and worn as football helmets.

"Hallo," I greeted her, my cheeks turning a shade or two shy of scarlet.

"I never would've expected --" she stammered, laughing, her eyes twinkling bright green, "I mean, of all the doggone places..." I was just about to ask her not to draw attention to me, when she bellowed (and I do mean bellowed) across the store, "JESSILYN! Get over here and take a peek-see at this! It's BRIAN LITTRELL."

Oh. My. Lord.

I melted like butter into the seat.

A shriek chased the woman's bellows and a petite red-head approached, clutching her lower jaw with nail-bitten fingers. She was wearing a scandalously high-cut denim skirt and a J-Lo-Low emerald green top with rhinestones. Around her neck, though, I noticed was a nice yellow selection from the Spring line of Wylee scarves.

"Oh goodness gracious," she purred. She was wearing green Converse trainers and the hottest pink lipstick I'd ever seen. "I never thought I'd meet you while we were vacationing in LA!" She squealed.

I laughed, "Never know where I'll pop up..."

"And in a Vicky's Secrets no less!" chimed in the fat one.

"Oh Daisy," giggled Jessilyn, "I cannot believe it. Can you believe it?" she turned back to me. "You have been our favorite singer since the day your CD released!" she grinned proudly.

I smiled, "Wow, go back aways, don't you?"

"Hey Brian??? Do you think I'd look sexier in red or blaaack?" All three of us froze at the chiming, feminine voice emitting from the dressing room. I swallowed.

Jessilyn looked nervously at Daisy. Daisy smiled. "Oh, is Leighanne here, also?" she asked.

I don't think it would be physically possible for my face to turn redder. "Yes," I stammered, I laughed, "Yes, of course, why else would I be in Victoria's Secrets?" I swallowed, "I mean, she's just, you know, she's trying stuff on... I'm waiting... here. Outside the waiting room."

"BRIAAAAAA-AAAANNN?!? Hellooooo? Red or blaa-aaack?"

Daisy's eyebrows puckered in concern, "She sounds strange. Is she sick?"

"Yes, very," I stammered, "Extremely. Practically on her death bed. We just came from the hospital, she's - she's got like some virus... some stomach virus... it's going around..."

Jessilyn looked around. "Where's Baylee?"

"Howie," I said, my mind whizzing. "Howie's got him." I nodded.

"Ohh," she said, a disappointed tone ekeing into her voice, "That's too bad, it would've been so sweet to meet him."

I nodded. My mouth felt dry.

Suddenly the saleswoman wandered by, she smiled at me and said, "Your wife has exceptional taste." She smiled. "And congratulation s, by the way," she added, "Is it your first?"

I swallowed.

Jessilyn and Daisy's eyes were both wide as saucers. "Leighanne is pregnant?" they asked in unison.

I started to open my mouth to say yes, when the sales woman - bane of my existance as she is - said, "Leighanne? I thought she said her name was Nicole?"

Jessilyn and Daisy's eyes were about to pop forth from their faces. My face could, indeed, it turn out, get redder than scarlet. I was probably a fair shade of eggplant by now. "Leighanne likes - likes role... role playing and..."

At that moment, the dressing room door flung open and Nick, in all his feminine glory, glad in lacy black lingerie, stepped into the center hall. His big round, pregnant tummy led the way as he frolicked down the carpet toward me, the reflection of his tight little butt in a thong bouncing in the mirror behind him, his breasts flopping about before him... and he stood about two feet away - unable to see Jessilyn or Daisy yet from where he stood - spread his arms widely and announced, "Aren't I the sexiest thing you ever laid eyes on?"

Jessilyn and Daisy both gasped - loudly.

Nick looked around, realized we were not alone, and pinkened slightly. "Oh," he muttered, "Sorry." He quickly slunk back into the dressing room.

The two girls turned to look at me.

"...That's Leighanne's sister..." I breathed the words as though I were treading on thin ice. "She's... a little... you know..." I spun my finger by my ear, and smiled a nervous, sheepish smile. Their glares hadn't decreased even slightly. I struggled to my feet. "Excuse me," I murmured, and quickly scurried, as fast as I could, out of the waiting room.
Chapter 8 by evergreenwriter83
Chapter Eight

"I'm really sorry," I said softly. Rok didn't look at me; he just continued to stare out the windshield. It was really disturbing; he didn't even blink.

"Of all the times to get recognized, huh?"

"I am a dead man," he finally said. There was no intonation to his voice. It was as if he had flatlined.

"No, you're not," I said. I juggled the bags between my legs. "I mean, those hicks didn't even have camera phones. Even if Leighanne does somehow find out, it's not like there's any proof."

Bri snorted. "Of course she does. I can't lie to her."

"You're not lying to her!"

"If she asks me, 'Brian were you in Victoria's Secret with a woman,' I'm going to end up saying yes."

"Yeah, but you need to look at it this way. We used to shower together. Eight hours ago I was sporting a python in my pants. So really we can't be sure I'm a girl."

Bri slowed as the light turned red. He looked over at me. I was still wearing the sweats, but his gaze went back to my chest.

"Trust me," he said quietly. "You're a girl, Nichole."

We didn't say anything else the entire ride back to his place. He helped me with my bags and I followed him inside.

"Can I take a shower?" I asked. He waved his hand.

"Sure. You've already tainted my life. You might as well shower."

I hugged the pretty pink bags to my chest. "You're the only one I could turn to," I said pathetically. "You're my...you're my best friend."

Bri ran a hand down his face. "Nicky..."

"I'll try to find someplace else tomorrow."

"Nicky, wait."

I didn't wait. I headed to the bathroom and closed the door. For good measure, I locked it.

I stripped down in his bathroom for the second time. I turned on the shower and waited for it to warm up. Somehow my hands found their way to my stomach.

"You've been kicking me," I said. "Do you enjoy kicking so hard I vomit?"

I waited for a response, but none came. I slid my hands to my back and leaned back.

"This is horrible. It's like carrying a whole bunch of kettlebells around my waist," I said. "How can women do this for nine months?"

When no divine spirit answered me, I stepped under the spray.

"Ohhh," I gasped. I bit my lip. The spray was erotic. Totally, absolutely erotic. Every part of my body was sensitive. I stood still for several minutes a whole bunch of warm goodness spreading to ever end.

It was right before I grew pruney that I remembered I probably should use soap. And shampoo. Admittedly, I had a little fun lathering up.

It wasn't every day men got their very own vagina. Or boobs. They were always just 'loaners.'

I waited until the very last second, until the water ran just too cold before stepping out. I toweled off and rooted into my bag.

The clerk had really hooked me up. Yes, I had teased Bri with that stupid skimpy get-up. But for the most part I got normal girly things. Becky things.

My heart panged. I missed Becky. It wasn't fair that she was lounging around at home with two tubs of ice cream while I was stuck hiding out.

Some women have all the luck.

Feeling uber sorry for myself, I ran a comb through my hair, surprised to see how shiny it was when it was actually clean. I grabbed a bra, priding myself on knowing how to clasp and de-clasp a bra with the best of them. I realized that my boobs didn't ache so much with a bra. After getting into a pair of panties, I wiggled a sleeveless little nightie over my head.

Only after sliding on a pair of fuzzy slippers did I unlock and open the door. I took one step and almost tripped over Brian. He was sitting on the floor right outside the bathroom. He looked up at me, his eyes once again widening.

Obviously, I had taken the phrase 'a surprise a minute' to the next level today.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


It's Nick. It's Nick. It's Nick. It's Nick. It's Nick.

The words were running through my mind like dominoes, chasing on the heels of each other. Really it was more like itsnickitsnickitsnick.

My mouth had gone dry - yet again - when Nick stepped out of the bathroom, dressed and showered and beautiful. My heart was pounding in my chest and I leaned back against the opposite side of the hallway, my spine perfectly aligned against the wall. My breath came out shaky.

"I'm sorry," we both said at the same time. Nick turned pink and I swallowed the saliva in my mouth. "Why are you sorry?" Nick asked.

"For blaming you," I said. I waved a hand at his body, "I mean, you didn't decide to turn into a girl, it just kind of happened..."

Nick nodded sadly, "Yeah, but you didn't ask me to come running back here to ruin your life with my stupid boobs and va-jay-jay, either..." he pointed out. "Now Leighanne's all pissed at you and..." Nick frowned. "I didn't mean for that to happen."

"Well she's not pissed yet," I said, shrugging. "And maybe she won't find out..." That was a long shot. I was sure that those girls were Facebooking, Blogging and Chirping about the whole ordeal at Victoria's Secret as we spoke. Probably directly to Leighanne herself. I was surprised my cell phone wasn't ringing already.

Nick sighed, "Even if she never hears about it, I shouldn't have been so easy going about being around you in public. I mean, you're married. Being seen with another woman besides Leighanne isn't good for your image... not any more than it would be for me to be seen with someone besides Beckers..."

I sighed back. "C'mon, let's watch a movie or something."

"Yeah? A movie?"

"Sure," I answered, leading the way back towards the living room and kitchen. Nick smiled and followed along. "I'll even pop up some popcorn and stuff..."

"What movie?" Nick asked eagerly, trotting along behind me.

"Your pick," I answered.

"Yes!" Nick scrambled into the living room and I heard the cabinet door open and the shuffling of DVD cases as he looked through the collection we had.

I opened a cupboard door and pulled out the movie theater butter popcorn and shoved it into the microwave and opened the fridge and pulled out two bottles of soda. I grabbed a big plastic bowl from the dish washer and poured the finished popcorn in it before carrying it and the two bottles of pop into the living room.

I groaned the moment my eyes landed on the TV screen. "Are you kidding me?" I asked.

"What? Don't you like this one? It's in your collection."

"I know but... really Nick? Sleepless in Seattle?" He puckered out his lower lip. I sighed, "Okaaay, okay, I said your pick."

He squealed and climbed onto the sofa, tucking his chick legs under his butt and grinning up at me.

"You should put your feet up," I said, "You're gonna get a blood clot with them tucked under you like that."

"But I'm comfy like this," he argued.

"Yeah but the blood gets pooled in your legs and --" I sighed, "Nick, just trust me, okay? Please?" I put a throw pillow up on the coffee table. "There. Put your feet up on that."

He obeyed. I sat down next to him and put the popcorn bowl on the cushion between us and he clicked the play button on the DVD remote. The movie started. I stared at Tom Hanks' forehead and lost myself in thoughts about Leighanne and what I was going to tell her. Nick crunched on popcorn beside me in the dark.

"Oh!" he gasped suddenly.

"What?" I asked, looking over.

"I dunno, the baby's been kicking all day," he muttered. He trailed his fingers across his stomach.

I stared at his stomach. When Leighanne was pregnant, my favorite part had been feeling the baby through her egnormous orb of a stomach. I could remember feeling Baylee's little feet pressing against her, right into my palm. "A sports player, for sure," I'd told her, grinning broadly.

Nick looked sideways at me, "Wanna feel it?" he asked.

I nodded.

He took my hand and guided it across his protruding belly. After a pause, I felt it. Two kicks, right into my palm. "Ohhh," I grinned, "Hello!" I leaned down to look at Nick's stomach, my heart accelerating. "Hello in there. It's meee, Uncle Brian..."

Nick grinned at me.

I looked up at him.

Well, he was really a her, wasn't he?

"This is the single most weirdest thing I've ever done," I whispered.

Nick laughed. "What? Felt the pregnant stomach of your ex-best friend? What's weird about that?" he winked.

I sat up and slowly drew my hand away from his stomach. Nick's eyes stayed focused right on mine. "You're my best friend," I said in a serious tone, "No matter whether you're a man or a woman or a hermaphrodite. .."

"Isn't that a Greek goddess?" he asked.

"That's Aphrodite," I answered, "Hermaphrodite is when you're male and female at the same time."

"Ohhh," Nick nodded, "That's me."

"Okay, well whatever you are --" I said, trying to round back to my original point, "Nick, you'll always be my best friend, okay?"

Nick's eyes were suddenly watery, "Even though I'm intruding on your life and wrecking everything?" he asked.

"No matter what," I answered.

Nick's mouth curled into a smile, tears pouring down his cheeks, and, before I could react, he leaned over and pressed his mouth onto mine.
Chapter 9 by Pengi
Chapter Nine

I don't know why I kissed him. Okay, that's a lie. I kind of do. We had been sharing a moment and these girly hormones running through the puny little veins in my va-jay-jay'd body were getting all carried away again just like they had in the shower. Plus, I had picked Sleepless in Seattle for crying out loud. That wasn't what I would have normally picked. Nick would have picked Juggernauts 9 or King Kong vs. Frankenstein..

Nichole's pores were oozing mushiness like no tomorrow. And instead of being baby-making horny I was just prego horny.

The worst part of the whole thing was that Brian didn't immediately scoot back and make the sign of the cross to keep me away. No, he began to kiss me back like I was the big bowl of popcorn and he had suddenly decided he was starving. His hand wrapped around the back of my head and his fingers snaked into my hair.

There was probably a good two or three minutes of pure lack of rationalizatio n. It wasn't like we just had a smack and that was it. No, it was only after his tongue had made one lap around my mouth that I opened my eyes. He opened his a second later. He crab-crawled backwards, his hand flying over his mouth.

"No," he breathed. "No, no, no, no, no!"

My lips were still tingling. I reached into the popcorn bowl for lack of anything else to do.

"Does this mean I'm gay now?" I wondered aloud. "Does this make you gay?"

"For the love of GOD, just shut up for a second!" Bri shrieked. It wasn't until he moved the couch pillow over his lap that I saw, for the second time today, he was sporting a boner.

"Really?" I asked. "Just from one kiss?"

"I don't know what's wrong with me," Bri said. He was staring at the wall several feet above my head. "Sure, I look at boobs, but I never kiss the owner of the boobs. You're messing with my head. I'm going all looney. My thoughts are all scrambled and...and..."

"Your breath was all minty," I mused. "How do you keep it minty when you were nibbling popcorn?"

"I place a high value on dental hygiene," Bri said. He slapped the side of his face. "That's not the point!"

"What did my mouth taste like?" I asked, suddenly curious. Bri clenched the pillow tighter.

"I am not going to answer that."

The movie was still playing, but I didn't care. Old Nick was a 'less talk, more action' type of guy. My girly self was enjoying the banter. I turned towards Bri, folding my legs so I was sitting Indian style.

"I wanna know," I said.

"Please," Bri pleaded. He was actually beginning to sweat. "Don't sit like that."

I looked down. "Why?"

For a second, Bri sounded like a boy in the midst of a voice change. "Because all I see is legs and a hint of pink--"

"Undies?" I said happily. "Yeah they have baby bunny ears on them. Aren't they cute?" I hitched up the nightie. Bri's face slammed into the couch, his teeth biting into the fabric.

"Was it something I said?" I asked. I straightened my legs and then went into a kneeling position. I crawled closer to him. I didn't realize that I was straddling the pillow and thus was straddling his lap.

"Talk to meeee!" I whined.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


Every fiber in my body was tense as Nick rocked, whining, "Talk to meeeeee!" The pillow moved, rubbing against me, and my breath caught somewhere south of my throat and my heart was nearly at a stand still.

It kind of felt like a moment of truth had been reached... a crucible. One of two things had to happen right now. One, I lose all control and pin this goddess to the sofa and make wild love all night, or two, I needed to get distracted. And fast. I needed to pray. Recite Bible verses. Something, anything.

"Talk to meeeee!"

Nick bounced up and down. Boobs bounced. So-called va-jay-jays rubbed and all Biblical thoughts wooshed out my ear canal. I leapt forward, knocking Nick back onto the couch and sprang like a puma. My hands found Nick's hands and pinned them to the couch, fingers twining together, and my mouth started on Nick's neck, my body curled around the orb of baby-belly beneath me.

"Craaaaaap," Nick moaned, "This isn't talking..."

My mind wasn't working. It was the weirdest feeling because my mind was screaming that this was Nick and that I was cheating on Leighanne with a man and various other thoughts that should've stopped me. But my hands had wound themselves around Nick's back and were slowly working on the clasps of the bra - an art that I've never perfected - and my mindless sex spree wold've been carried a lot further if at that very moment my cell phone hadn't started ringing.

Baylee's sweet litte voice shouted out from my phone's ringtone. "Daddy! Mommy's calling you!! Daddy! Mommy's calling you!!"

"Bri--" Nick gasped, "Brian -- Leighanne is calling." Nick pushed me up. I rocked like a weeble on the sofa cushion in front of him, face soaked from my own saliva on Nick's neck. I stared at him. His hair was all bed-crazy and the bra was hanging half off him.... and my mind spiraled back into my head and I gasped.

"Shit." I stood up and grabbed my phone, as Baylee's voice continued to inform me it was my wife calling. I stared at Nick. "Shit!" I backed out of the room, "Shit. Shit. Shit."

I sprinted down the hall and answered the phone as I got to my bedroom. "Hello?" I gasped.

"Who the fuck is she?"

Leighanne's voice was artic. I swallowed. "Leighanne, I can explain--" I started, but she interrupted me.

"Explain?" she snapped, "Explain why you were in a Victoria Secret with another woman? A younger, pregnant woman?"

"I--"

"Is that why you had to go to LA so badly?" she demanded, "Wrap up the album - bullshit..." her voice was ultrasonic. "Was it really because you knocked up some girl?"

I couldn't even breathe. "Leighanne the baby isn't mine," I stammered, "I- I-"

"You what Brian?" she snapped.

My mind whizzed. My mouth opened and closed, gaping like a fish, and breath escaped me. Words escaped me. Everything escaped me. How the hell could I explain this without sounding insane? I felt insane, I couldn't even imagine what it would sound like to Leighanne if I tried saying it outloud. "I - I -"

Suddenly, the phone was lifted out of my hand, away from my ear, from behind. I turned and Nick was standing there. "No-no-no-no," I grasped for the phone, but he jumped back and I missed, as he put it to his ear.

"Hello? Leighanne?"

Now it was official. I was gonna be killed. Skinned and sold on eBay. I hoped a nice person bought me. Maybe put me in her BSB memorbilia room in front of a nice cozy fire. Maybe she wouldn't do anything too dirty to my skins...

"This is Nichole," Nick said. "I'm so sorry about what happened today... with Brian... after he's been so - so - so nice to me, too..." Nick's voice had become thick and watery. He looked at me and listened as Leighanne spoke. Then he said, "I met Brian at the hospital this morning... and I was tired and sick feeling and - and I didn't wanna go home, I was scared that my family would be mad at me... and..." Nick's eyes met mine, "And Brian has such a huge heart, he... he gave me a place to stay... and... and he's been helping me."

I stared, dumbfounded at Nick.

Only Nick could fabricate such a bullshit story in under a minute.

Then again, it wasn't really a fabrication, was it?

"I'm so sorry that he didn't get a chance to tell you. He's just been so kind and generous towards me..." Nick sighed, "He loves you so much..."

I lowered myself, shaking, onto the bed and ducked my head to my knees.

"Please don't be mad at him," Nick was concluding, "He's been nothing but a perfect gentleman."

I closed my eyes. That part was a lie.

But I hadn't told it.

Hopefully, Leighanne wouldn't ask me to verify the story Nick had just told her.

After a short conversation, during which Nick actually laughed a couple times, he handed me the phone. "Leighanne wants to talk to you," he said.

I stared up at him. 'Thank you', I mouthed.

"Don't mention it," he replied, and dropped my cell into my palm before turning and disappearing out the door.

"Hello?" I said again into the phone.

Leighanne's voice was honey-coated. "You are so sweet helping that poor girl out, Bri-bear," she said, all gooey like.

Nick's magic, apparently, had not disappeared with his penis.
Chapter 10 by evergreenwriter83
Chapter Ten

His lips had just been sucking on my neck and yet I still saved his ass with his wife. I didn't understand it. I was now a woman and I still didn't understand women.

Damnit.

I paced the living room and listened to Bri finish the phone conversation. He laughed weakly once, seemed to talk to Baylee for a few minutes and then there was silence.

Stone silence.

I rubbed my arms. I wasn't used to being the pin-nee in a romantic tussel. I was used to being a pin-ner. Even when Becky wrestled with me, I 'let' her think she won. I exhaled loudly, disturbing my hair as a result.

"Um..."

I turned. Bri was hovering in the doorway. "Thanks again."

"No problem. It just came to me."

"I really can't believe you came up with that. That really required fast thinking."

"Well, I'm not stupid."

"I know that," Bri said awkwardly. He rubbed his neck. "Listen, um, about..."

"Just forgettaboutit," I said quickly.

"I can't."

"Yes, you can."

"No, I can't. I haven't been a perfect gentleman."

I smiled. "I know. But I told the lie for you so we're okay."

"We're not okay! We're..."

I had a feeling I knew where he was taking the conversation and I was suddenly done talking. I faked a yawn.

"I'm tired. I'm going to go pee, get some water, go pee again and go to bed."

"Bed?"

I pointed towards the guest room. "Bed?" I mimicked a sleep pose with my hand. "Y'know sleep?" Bri slumped against the doorframe. "Bed," he repeated.

"Right," I said. I began inching my way towards the bathroom. "So, uh, g'night."

"Bed," he mumbled again. Knowing he was a lost cause, I did my shiz and locked myself in the guest room. Only then did I freak out.

"Crap, we almost...I almost...there was..." I sank down on the edge of the bed. I was exhausted, but my brain didn't seem to want to shut off. Thoughts of Becky, Brian, and boners streamed through my head. I scooted back and fell upon the pillows. I stared at the ceiling, drumming my fingers against my stomach.

Morning. I could at least hope I'd wake up a man again. That would be good. That would be...

"Good morning."

I was having the most amazing dream ever. For some reason, I was on a deserted island with Jake Gyl--Gyl---however-the-hell-you-spell-his-last-name--Hall. And he had just told me good morning.

"I made breakfast."

In my dream I was a woman, but in 'dream state' I guess that didn't freak me out so much. Me and Jakey G-Hall were getting all baby-making horny and--

"NICK!"

My whole body went into a weird spastic quiver. I slapped at my pillow, spitting out a gob of hair as I lifted my head.

"What? What?!"

Bri took a step back. He was holding a tray in his hands. "I made you breakfast," he said. Then he mumbled something that sounded a lot like 'so much for tough love.'

"You made--you made me breakfast?" I repeated. He nodded.

"That's so---gotta pee."

I yanked the covers back and slid out of bed. I winced and almost doubled over.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm sore."

"Yeah, Leighanne always got that way around her eighth month. It's from laying still so long."

I didn't respond. Between the aches and my bladder I was about to lose it. I shuffled off to the bathroom. When I returned, Bri was still standing there with the breakfast tray. I sat down and he put it beside me.

"You made me my favorite pancakes," I said. I pressed a finger into the middle of one.

"I couldn't remember how to make them. Is that right?"

I sniffled. "Perfect." Staring up at me were three perfect Frankensteins, chunks of sausage links for the neck bolts. I picked up a link, dunked it in the vat of syrup he had brought me, and chewed vigorously.

I almost choked as I felt his hands on my back.

"What are you doing?" I said. I turned my head. He looked up at me.

"I'm just rubbing your back. It will take away some of the pressure."

"Rubbing my--ooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh."

He had hit upon a mass of coiled muscle. My head dropped down to my chest. I slapped at the tray and brought a piece of pancake to my mouth.

"See, I told you," he said proudly.

"Ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh," I said again as his hands moved.

This pattern of rub-ooh-eat continued for the next fifteen minutes. Finally, I had half a Frankenstein left and admitted defeat. I moved the tray and scooted back farther into his hands.

He paused.

"Don't stop," I begged. "Please don't stop."

His palms pressed deeper and I leaned my head back. I didn't realize his breath was on my neck right away. It was only when I felt those same suction-y lips from the night before that I realized what was happening.

And I thought of Jake G---G---that Jake guy.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


The tray slid off the bed as I crawled onto it.

"Briii-annnn," Nick groaned. His fingers splayed across my face, pushing me back from his neck. "Briiii-aaaaaan," he pushed harder and I finally fell backwards, sliding on the slick sheets, and landed on my ass on the carpet. I stared up at him. Nick stared down at me. He grinned. "I'm startin' to think you only love me for the sex," he said.

I realized I was sitting with my ass on the half a Frankenstein Nick had left on the plate. Gooey maple syrup was soaking through my sweatpants onto my ass. Another boner was gracing my lap.

What the hell is wrong with me? I wondered, blinking up at the feminine version of my best friend. I rolled off the pancake and Nick giggled. "You have a sausage on your ass."

I swiped it off and scrambled to my feet and turned to face Nick. "I'm sorry," I said.

"For what? Sitting on my breakfast or giving me a big ass hickey?"

"Oh Lordy, Lordy," I murmured and covered my face.

Nick sighed, "Aw Bri, it's okay. You're horny for pregnant chicks, it's okay, I get it."

I peeked between my fingers. "Excuse me?"

"Well you said once when Leigh was pregnant that it was the best sex of your life, right?"

"Um, yeah?"

"And now you get a boner every time you even look at me and while yes I am a total fox, I can't help but think it's not me that's turning you on.. it's these..." Nick squeezed a breast with one hand and ran the other over the orb of his stomach. "Pregnant bitches get you hot. It's cool."

"Women don't like being called bitches," I snapped.

Nick raised an eyebrow. "And which one of us has been a woman to know this?" he mused, "Hmmm?"

"Even as a woman you're clueless about women," I rolled my eyes.

The bedsprings creaked erotically as Nick moved to get onto his knees. "Teach me bout women, Brian," he begged.

I stared at him. "You're kidding me, right?"

Nick shook his head, looking solemn. "Teach me everything you know."

"Why?"

"Because," he turned pink a little. "I wanna be the best husband ever to Becky - if I can ever get my penis back - and... and you're... you..." he looked at the bedspread sheepishly and sucked on his finger again. I closed my eyes. "You're the best example I could possibly have," he blurted out.

I sighed.

"Puh-leeeeeease?"

"Nick, I --"

"PLEASE?"

"Fine."

"Yay!" Nick crawled off the bed. "Okay, let's start. Teach me something."

"Like what?"

"I dunno, anything. Just something. Teach me something good."

I took a deep breath and looked into his eyes. "I love you," I said in a low, meaningful voice.

Nick's eyes widened. "You - you do?" he asked.

I shook my head, "No, you freak monkey, that's what I'm teaching you. You have to say that to your woman... Everyday. And you have to mean it. And she's gotta know you mean it."

"Ohhh," Nick's eyes twinkled and he grinned, "Yeahhh, that's good. Will that get me sexed up?" he asked.

"Not everything is about sex," I muttered.

Nick's eyebrows nearly shot off his head, "It's not??!" he asked, incredulous, "How could you even --"

I held up my palm to stop him. "You already know that's true. You've stopped me like three times from trying to sex you up now..." I pointed out. I turned red, "I mean, not that I would've -- but you know - you - I --" I stammered, then stopped, and turned red. "You know what I mean."

Nick laughed. "Yoooou wanted to have s-e-x with meeeee," he sing-songed.

I shook my head.

"Just wait 'til AJ hears this!" and with that, he danced out of the room.

"NIIIIIIIIIIIII-ICK!" I yelled, charging after him, "Don't you dare tell AJ any of this!"
Chapter 11 by evergreenwriter83
Chapter Eleven

"Hello?"

For a second, I completely forgot that I sounded like a chick. Bri was dancing around me and I was turning in circles, keeping the phone out of his reach at all times.

"Guess what?" I blurted.

"Who's this?"

"Nick."

"Very funny."

I stopped and Bri almost swiped the phone. I ran into the kitchen and we began to play ring-a-round the kitchen island.

"No, J, I'm serious. It's Nick."

"I'm sorry hun," J said. Suddenly a very loud cry pierced the receiver. I winced and held the phone away, rubbing my ear.

"Nick, I swear to God--"

I pressed the phone back to my ear. "Was that Brian?" I heard J asked. "Is he in on this prank? Tell him this is the lamest thing Carter's pulled."

"I'm not pulling anything! Nurse Hatchet turned me into a chick!"

There was dead silence. Bri swung a claw-like hand out for me. Don't ask me why, but I jumped back and batted my eyes. He stopped, reddening more, and then ran towards me. I yelped and ran down the hall.

"What's going on?" J asked. "I don't..."

"BRIAN'SCHASINGMECAUSEHEWANTSMYPREGNANTVAJAJAY!" I bellowed at the top of my lungs.

And, since it had somehow become my safe haven, I ducked into the bathroom and locked myself in. Brian's fists beat against the door.

"Did you just say," AJ said slowly. "That Brian wants your va-jay-jay?"

"J, who the hell are you talking to?" I heard Ro say.

"Don't cuss around the baby!" AJ said. I could just picture the sarcastic smile on his face.
,br> "Nick, I swear to goodness gracious," Bri said. His knuckles tapped on the door. "Don't involve AJ. I thought you wanted me to teach you how to be a better man? This isn't being a good man, Nick. Hang up, come out, and I'll teach you everything I know."

I was pretty sure that even though Dominique was crying in his arms, J could hear the panic in Brian's voice. "Fuck, are you telling the--"

"ALEX DON'T CUSS WHEN YOU'RE HOLDING THE BABY! FUCK IS WORSE THAN HELL!"

"Shit," J muttered. "I'm pretty sure fucking is better than hell," he whispered into the line. Then he cleared his throat. "Dude, is this for real? How--"

I gave him a quick recap of what went down at the hospital. When I started in on Brian finding me with my girly head in the toilet, J started to laugh.

"It's not funny!" I complained. "If anyone should understand, it's you!"

Jizzle stopped laughing. "We don't talk about that," he said seriously.

"You touched Howie's wang."

"I had to! There was still bathroom logistics to worry about and--"

"Yes, but at least you weren't a million months pregnant with a horny guy right outside the door!"

"NICK!" Bri yelled. "Are you fucking kid--"

"C'mere sweetie. Daddy needs his mouth washed out with soap." Rochelle said. Dominique's cries became louder.

"You cuss just as much in front of her!" AJ argued.

Thus began a five minute bickering session back and forth between the two. While I sat against the door waiting, I began to hear the sound of a small metal implement wiggling in the lock.

"Bri, what are you doing?" I called out. There was no answer.

"Nick?" J said. "Or whoever? I gotta go, but I've so got to see if you're telling the truth or just prankin' me. Where are you?"

"Still at Brian's. He's in LA at his place. Becky thinks I'm in Florid-aaahhh!"

Bri had managed to pick the lock. The door started moving, scooting me across the floor. I braced my feet on the toilet.

"No! No!"

I dropped my phone and pressed my hands against the door to no avail. In the before time, in the man time, I would have been able to keep me out. Instead, he slid right in.

He looked murderous. And cute. My legs were splayed around the toilet bowl, my hands behind me to brace myself. I smiled up at him with what I hoped were the same big puppy dog eyes I used as a guy.

"Hi," I said. I lifted a hand and wiggled my fingers in his direction. "You look cute when you're mad," I added.

"He's coming over here isn't he?" Bri said thickly. I smiled. My plan had worked. Even though Rok seemed to be struggling the most with the 'I want to, but I can't sleep with my best friend who used to be a man' thing, I was pretty sure the next time he kissed my neck I wouldn't have sense enough to push him away. And I knew he wouldn't push me away if I did something girly like kiss him again. And that weirded me out. J would be the perfect distraction. I nodded.

"Ya-up."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


"Well butter my ass and call me a biscuit," J exclaimed fifteen minutes later, when Nick opened the door, now wearing a pair of pink sweatpants and a tank top with teeny tiny hearts. He'd run out of the bathroom after announcing that AJ was on his way over, squealing that he had to change.

"Why?" I'd called after him, "It's just AJ."

"You know nothing!" he'd called back, slamming the guest room door.

"I can't fucking believe this," AJ continued. He made a motion for Nick to spin around and Nick twirled - far too elegantly for any man to do - and beamed when AJ let out a long, low whistle at his backside.

Nick peeked over his shoulder. "Aren't these sweats just adorable?" he asked.

AJ looked up, "Yeah, 'cos the sweats are what I'm looking at..." AJ grinned wickedly. "Dude, have you... you know... had fun yet?"

Nick blushed.

"You dog," AJ crowed.

I lowered myself into a chair in the living room, feeling replaced. I sighed, listening to them talking. Why did Nick have to go and call AJ up anyways? Wasn't I enough to keep him entertained? Noooo, had to add AJ to the mix. I tugged on a loose string from my shirt.

"What's it like?" AJ asked, "Having breasts?"

"It's really weird," Nick was saying. "But also kind of cool. Oh dude they're like super sensitive. I totally get it why Becky flips out when I lick'em now."

Did he have to talk about licking breasts? Really?

He didn't talk about licking breasts with me.

"Yeah?" J's voice was excited, "Can I see'em?"

Nick sounded affroned, "What? Why the hell do you wanna see my boobs?"

"Dude," J's voice sounded like this was a no-brainer, "If you had a sandwich and I was starving to death, I'd ask you for a bite of sandwich, right?"

Nick's pause told me he didn't know where AJ was going with this. "...Yeaaaah," he said quietly, hesitantly.

"Well, I'm starving, let me see your sandwiches!"

A squeak from Nick, and a moment later they both burst into the living room. Nick flung himself onto my lap and curled up in a fetal position, his hair splaying across the arm of the chair, his ass pressing into my lap and squealed, "What is it with you guys and my hooters?!?"

AJ was standing before me looking like a hungry lion.

"Leave her alone," I snapped at AJ.

"Her?" AJ laughed, "Dude, Rok, it's Nick, remember?"

"I know it's Nick," I said hotly, pushing Nick off my lap and standing up. He quickly curled up into the chair and hugged his knees to his chest, watching as I stood between him and AJ. "But he doesn't want you trying to feel him up, obviously, have some respect instead of being a fucking pig."

AJ's eyes widened at the word fucking and I heard Nick gasp behind me. "That's twice in two days that you've said fuck," he said in a hallowed voice.

A snort emitted from AJ, "What, is he your girlfriend now?" he asked.

"No!" I yelled. "That'd be yucky." This whole conversation was beginning to take on the feeling of a third grade bullying incident.

Nick's squealy voice came from behind me, "Why would it be yucky?" he demanded. Then his voice struck new levels of horror, "Oh my God, you think I'm fat don't you?!?"

I thought AJ was gonna choke on his own tongue. He made a funny gurgling sound and turned away, clutching his face and wheezing loudly. I turned to look at Nick. He was staring at me, slack-jawed, eyes wide with dismay. "I- I-" I stammered, "I -- what?" My mind was whirling, trying to figure out how he connected my thinking it'd be yucky if he was my girlfriend (and considering he was really a man deep down, this really should not have been hard to figure out why it would be yucky) to fat.

"Oh my God --" he gasped, struggling to his feet to stand in front of me, "You didn't answer right away! That means you have to think about it! You shouldn't have to think about it! Why are you thinking about it? You do think I'm fat! Oh my God! You're mean!"

"I don't think you're --"

"LIAR!" And with lightening-quick reflexes, his hand struck me across the face - hard. The crack seemed to echo in the room for several long moments, my face smarting and turning red-hot, the silence only broken by a hissing-wheezing sound coming from AJ. "Don't speak to me!" And off he went, racing down the hall to the guest bedroom, whose door slammed almost as hard as his hand had hit my face.

I turned around to look at AJ. "Good God," I muttered.

"I know right?" he said quietly, then, with twinkling eyes, he said, "But cheer up, later on you guys can have make-up sex."

I smacked my hand to my forehead.
Chapter 12 by Pengi
Chapter Eleven

Holy Cheese Whiz, I had just slapped Brian. Across the face. Hard. Now I was sprawled on my side on the guest bed, sobbing my eyes out, and I felt a sudden pang of sympathy for my crazy, out-of-control Becky because at the moment I was:

A.) Crazy

B.) Emotional

C.) In desperate need of some pickles. And peanut butter.

It was a bad combination. To top it all off, I was too horrified at my girlish hiccuping to face the two men in the other room. I was just crying myself out when the knocks began.

"Hey man, let me in."

It was AJ. I turned my head, staring at the closed door. Some of my tears flew in my mouth and I blanched at the salty taste that filled my entire mouth.

"Go away!"

"C'mon, I didn't call you fat," he complained.

"I didn't call her fat!" I heard Brian say. "She's not fat, she's pregnant! She's...she's glowing!"

"She's not a she, she's a he!" AJ retorted. He knocked on the door again. "Nick, let me in so I can give you some advice."

I rubbed at my face. "What kinda advice?" I asked pathetically.

"Advice to get your dick back."

I bit my lip, hesitating for a second. I could hear AJ and Bri still bickering out of the hall. After a moment, I awkwardly got off the bed. I walked over, unlocked the door, and opened it just wide enough for AJ to get in. I met Bri's eyes for a moment, did a full-bottom lip quiver and slammed the door.

"You're a mess. You're a damn mess." J said.

"Am I a hot mess?" I asked.

J smirked. "Okay, that was a total Nick statement."

"What do you mean?"

"You were an attention whore as a man and you're an attention whore as a woman."

I gasped. "I am not!"

"You're doing to Brian what you do to all the fans."

I narrowed my eyes. "You're mean. Get out."

J bounced back on the bed. "Nope, you're gonna hear me out."

I folded my arms and didn't respond.

"You don't need Nurse Umbridge anywhere near you to change you back. Remember what happened with--" J paused. "Remember what happened during the incident we will never mention again?"

"Yeah. You two switched back on stage."

"Exactly. But we only switched because we came to an understanding."

"That doesn't help me!" I said, dropping my arms to my belly. "What am I supposed to understand?"

"What happened right before you became..." J waved his hand towards me. "This?"

"Well..." I bit my lip. "Becky was puking, I was trying to watch the game, and Brian called to ask me to pick him up from the hospital."

"Uh-huh. And?"

"And what? I left!"

"What happened with Becky?"

"Nothing! Well, I mean she was still puking and I didn't really tell her where I was going but..."

"Seriously? Jesus, Nick. Don't you see?"

I stared at him blankly. "See what?"

J bounced up and began to pace the room. "You really are a dumb blonde, you know that?"

"Blondes have more fun!"

J poked my belly. "Obviously." He smiled so wide that I was sure his face would crack. "I will shit my pants if this kid comes out with Brian's big ass nose."

AJ pressed his thumb to his nose. I felt a sharp foot kick me and blanched.

"What are you talking about? This kid isn't coming out!"

J rolled his eyes. "What goes in has to come out! Remember? You were there when we raced Ro to the ER!"

The worst fear I've ever experienced in my entire life suddenly took hold. I grabbed AJ's shirt and shook him slightly. "You've got to help me! I have to figure out a way to change back before that happens! I can't push this thing out!"

J undid my fingers. He backed up. "Well, I'm no expert, but it looks like we have about three weeks to make that happen."

"Three weeks?" I said in relief. "You and D weren't switched that long."

J didn't look confident.

"Nick, you don't understand. Understanding Howie's a lot easier than understanding women. Hell, I'm not doing too bad on the wife and dad front, but I still don't understand Rochelle half the time. And I just have a gut feeling that's what you need to do."

"Then I'll do it." I said simply. It didn't matter that AJ was clueless on women. I had sisters. I had to have some clue. Right?

"Speaking of doing it," AJ said, breaking into my thoughts. "What's going on with you and Rok?"

I felt myself turn scarlet. "What are you talking about?"

"I didn't believe you at first on the phone, but seeing for myself..."

I rolled my eyes. "Don't be stupid. It's nothing. I mean we kissed, but we were caught up in a moment and--"

"You kinda cheated on your wife, man."

"No way! I mean Brian's cute and all..."

"Do you realize you just called Brian cute?!" J sputtered. He looked nervous, and I daresay a little grossed out.

"Nevermind," I said quickly. "Besides, it's not like Brian would ever cheat, yanno? Like I mean...all the way."

J glanced at the door. I watched him run his hand along his neck.

"Yeah. I guess you're right..."

"Of course I'm right. Can you get me some pickles?"

"Pickles?"

"Yeah. And some peanut butter?"

J stood up and headed towards the door. He yanked it open and cupped his hand around his mouth.

"Hey, Rok! Your princess needs some prego food!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


Okay so one mistake and the world thinks Nick is my "princess" -- alright so by world I mean AJ, but still -- and I'm stuck in the kitchen smeaking peanut butter on pickles.

Just for the fun of it, I arranged them on the plate to form the letter "N". It seemed like something Nick would do.

I knocked on the door. AJ stuck his head out. "Thank you," he said, taking the plate and disappearing back into the room. I heard the lock on the door click.

I stared at the door. I knocked again.

"Yes?" AJ called.

"Can I come in?"

Some whispers and hushed speaking ensued.

"No," AJ called back, "Sorry!"

I sighed. "This is stupid," I said.

"You called me fat!" Nick's shrill voice emanated from within.

"You aren't fat!" I yelled back. "You're pregnant."

"Don't judge me!" Nick yelled.

"I'm not ju--"

BBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I jumped at the sound of the buzzer for the door and blinked in confusion towards the dining room. The bedroom door opened just far enough for Nick and AJ to both stick their heads out. Nick's was on top, his hair hanging down in AJ's eyes. AJ blew the hair out of his face. "Who's here?" NIck demanded.

"I dunno," I answered. I trotted towards the dining room. I heard the door open wider behind me as Nick and AJ moved into the hallway.

BBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!

"I'm coming, I'm coming," I said, as though the person downstairs could hear me. I reached the intercom and hit the speak button. "Halloooo?" I called before hitting the listen button.

"Brian? It's me... Becky."

"HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Nick's squeal was shriller than shrill. It was ultrasonic. "Holy shit!!!!" I heard the bedroom door slam again.

I hit the speak button, "Hey Becky.... what's up?"

Listen.

"Can I come up?"

AJ was suddenly beside me. "How the hell you gonna explain --" he waved his hands towards the hallway to indicate Nick.

"I have no freaking idea."

"Hellooo?" Becky called, and I realized I still had my thumb depressing the button. "Hellooooo? Brian?"

I hit speak, "Yeah... Yes. I mean, yes. Sure. Hold on." I let it go and looked at AJ. "Now what?"

AJ grinned wickedly. "Let her up."

"He's gonna kill me."

And with that, I hit the button to buzz Becky in.
Chapter 13 by evergreenwriter83
Chapter Thirteen

What the hell are they doing? I said to myself. I pressed my ear against the door, my heart beating loudly. I had to pee again. The suspense was killing me.

"Hey Becky, long time to see!" J said loudly. My hand flew to my mouth and I bit down hard.

They let her IN?!

"I haven't heard from Nick," Bri said loudly. "He's in FLO-RI-DA." He pronounced it like Becky was hard of hearing and slow instead of just pukey and pregnant.

"How could he just leave me?" I heard her wail.

"I agree. Total jerk," J said. My eyes narrowed. I was going to kill him. I was going to grow my girly nails out and claw him.

The need to pee was getting bad. Real bad. I stepped away from the door and shifted from foot to foot. It was like the baby had flipped around and was head-banging on my chick-bladder. I puffed out my cheeks. If I just didn't think about it...

That plan epically failed. Becky must have run to the bathroom to splash cold water on her face. The sound of flowing water came through under the door. I let out a moan of agony just as the water was shut off.

"What was that?" Becky asked.

"What was what?" Brian asked.

"I heard something in your guest room."

"Oh, that? That isn't--"

"Bri, how rude of you! Why don't you introduce Becky to your houseguest?"

I was going to do more than murder AJ by the time this was all over. If I ever got my body back I was going to sit on him and choke him. I'd rough him up. I'd stuff him in my trunk for a few days. I'd--

The door swung open and the buffoon himself pulled a Vanna White, his arms held out towards me.

The first thing I noticed was how tired my Beckers looked. She was wearing a cute little yellow sundress that made her look like a daisy. I teared up at the same time she looked surprised.

"Hello," she said slowly. She glanced at Bri who was flapping fish lips and making no earthly sound.

"I'm Becky," she continued. "Who are you?"

I took her hand and sniffled. "I'm--"

"Tiffany!" Brian blurted. Becky's head swiveled. I stared at him in confusion.

"Yeah! This is...Tiffany! She's Leighanne's second cousin. Just like Kevin's my second cousin. Small world huh?" His head bounced up and down like a dashboard bobblehead.

I gaped at him. Becky turned and looked at me, dropping my hand. "Nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you," I mumbled. "Um...excusemegottapee."

I slid awkwardly around her and headed to the bathroom. I could hear the three of them talking in the hall. I pressed my palm to my face. It was on fire.

"Tiffany's from...Humptulips!"

"Humptulips?" I heard J and Becky say at the exact same moment.

"Yeah. It's...it's in Washington. Small town."

"Humptulips," AJ said again. I just knew he was trying not to laugh.

I stalled for as long as possible in the bathroom while Brian rambled on about Humptulips and a made up baby-daddy named Ricky. I washed my hands and slowly opened the door. Becky looked at me.

"Brian was just telling us you're from Washington?" she asked. I nodded.

She motioned towards my stomach. "What are you having?"

"A baby," I said quietly. "I think."

J brought his arm up to his face and snorted. Bri looked like he was going to vomit. Becky laughed.

"You must get along well with Brian. You have his sense of humor."

I smiled weakly. "Yeah."

I thought I was off the hook. I thought I was safe. She was turning back to the living room when she paused again. She gave me a double take.

"You know..."

Bri fell back against the wall. AJ looked like he needed a box of raisinets and a tub of popcorn. I needed a Tums. I suddenly felt a bout of acid reflux. She tilted her head thoughtfully.

"Your eyes...it's so funny. They're the exact same as my husband's."

"R-r-really?" I squeaked.

"Yeah. It's not just the color or the shape. It's something else..."

It was then that I did the one thing that I have never done before.

I fainted.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


One second he was standing there being awkwardly confronted by his wife, the next he was flat on his back on the floor. "Oh my God," Becky cried, leaping forward. The smirk on AJ's face wiped off and I rushed forward. Becky's hand flew up to push me away, "She needs some space, watch out," she demanded. Becky's hands moved swiftly over Nick, feeling the pulse in his neck. She bent down and pressed her ear to his chest - her cheek pressing against his breast and her round prego belly rubbing against his round prego belly.

It was like pregnant lesbian porn.

I whipped around and covered my eyes in one sharp motion. "Oh my Lord," I murmured, "I can't look at this." I squeezed my eyes shut. AJ snorted.

"Tiffany?" Becky was calling, "Tiffany? Wake up, honey."

"I love you," came Nick's girly voice in a gurgling mumble.

I turned back around to peek at what was happening.

Becky, still kneeling and leaning over Nick, had managed to wake him up and he'd blinked open his eyes and had murmured his devotion to his wife. Forgetting, evidently, that he, too, was a woman. Becky blinked in surprise, then her eyebrows stitched together, a confused, intrigued expression crawling onto her face. "....Nick?" she whispered.

Nick's eyes opened wide. For a moment, I thought he was gonna tell her everything. I thought for sure he was about to say Yes, Becky, it's me. Look what Nurse McToadyPants did to me and we were all going to laugh and Becky would find a way to contact her old colleague and we'd call it a day. Instead, after a long, quavering silence, in which AJ and I were both frozen stock-still behind Becky, waiting for Nick to utter the words, he finally squeaked, "What?"

Becky, given the moment to realize the absurdity of what she was saying, responded, "Nothing, I'm sorry Tiffany... It's just... your eyes."

Becky stood up and pulled "Tiffany" up with her. AJ rushed forward to brace Nick's back as he struggled around his extremely obtrusive belly. I would've helped, but I was too shocked. I stood frozen to my spot, my mouth still flapping fishy-like. "I gotta pee," Nick stammered, and as soon as Becky had let go of his wrist, he made for the bathroom like there was a jet pack strapped to his buttox.

Once he was gone and the door had closed, Becky turned to me. "Don't you see it? The eyes?"

"N-no," I stammered.

AJ shook his head, "Nick's eyes are way sexier than Tiff's."

Becky and I both looked at AJ. Even for AJ, the statement was a little odd. Particularly considering he was saying Nick's eyes were sexier than a woman's. Wait. No, not a woman. Nick. He was saying Nick's eyes were sexier than Nick's--- wait. Oh what ever. It was a stare-worthy statement at anyrate.

"What?" AJ said, realizing why we were staring at him. He shrugged. "Straight guy can't notice?" he asked.

Becky shook her head, as though to get the thought out of her brain, and turned to me, dismissing AJ and his awkwardly homosexual tendencies. Not that I was one to talk. AJ was just noticing. I was sucking, feeling and trying to sex him up.

It didn't count if he was a woman, though, right?

Oh Lord, I need to pray. A lot.

Becky sighed, "You haven't heard from him... at all?" she teared up.

"N-no," I stammered. She must be starting to think all I could do was stammer no, I thought.

Becky frowned. "Brian... You'd tell me if - if -" she gulped air, "You'd tell me if he was leaving me, right?"

Oh God.

"Of course," I said.

"And if he was cheating...?"

AJ looked at me with a haughty, smirky little look on his face. God damn him, I thought, If he gives this away... If he tells her about me and Nick...

"Of course I would," I choked.

Becky looked unconvinced.

"Really," I added. "I would." This time, my voice was more firm, more level. "Becky, I swear to you if Nick was cheating on you and I knew I would tell you." I stepped forward, unsure where my sudden level headedness was coming from, and grabbed her hand. "I will tell you if anything like that comes up. I promise."

Her eyes filled with tears. "I'm so worried," she whispered.

"I know..."

"He could be dead somewhere, I don't know," she started sobbing.

I hate it when women cry.
Chapter 14 by Pengi
Chapter Fourteen

I could hear Becky crying over my dead body that wasn't really dead. Of course, I didn't know where my body was.

My body...

I let out a scream and slapped my hands over my mouth.

"Tiffany?" J called loudly. "What's going on?"

"N-nuttin!" I stammered in my high voice. I stared at the pretty wide-eyed face in the mirror.

What if I had gotten some random pregnant chicks body and the random pregnant chick had gotten my body? What if that girl was running around whoring it up? I mean, after all, Howie and AJ knew where there bodies were even if they weren't in control of them.

My palms were beginning to sweat. Becky was worried I was dead or cheating. I could guarantee her I wasn't dead...

I screamed again. What if the chick who had gotten my body hated men and killed herself? My gorgeous form could be laying in an alleyway right now!

There was a noise at the lock and a second later Brian slid through, key in hand.

"What's that?" I asked. He held up the key.

"A key to the bathroom door. I have a key to all the doors. Y'know, cause it's my place."

"Why didn't you use them before?"

"I don't like barging in on people!" he exclaimed. He ran a hand over his forehead. "Damnit, this is getting worse and worse."

I suddenly realized I didn't hear Beckers anymore. "Where'd she go?"

"She's in the living room. She thought maybe you had gone into labor." Bri's eyes suddenly shot down to the floor. "You're not, are you?"

"No!" I said. At least I didn't think I was. I would have felt at least a little something right? All the chicks I knew always complained it hurt. A lot.

"Why were you screaming?"

"I just had a thought," I said. "What if the chick has my body?"

"What chick?"

"The chick I am now!"

"I'm so confused," Brian muttered. He seemed to need a moment to think it over. When the pieces finally felt into place, his eyes widened to the point of no return.

"You think some chick is walking around like you?"

"Maybe!"

"Crap. That could be bad. Really bad." He stared at my chest. I folded my arms and glared. He tried to diffuse the situation with a cute smile. It worked. "But what's the possibility that it would be a chick from anywhere around here?" he asked. "Even if that did happen it would probably be a girl from some small town no one's heard ab--"

"NICK'S ON TV!" AJ screamed at the top of his lungs.

Feeling like I was going to pass out again, I sat down on the toilet. Bri waved his hand.

"I'm sure we heard him wrong. I bet--"

"NICK'S RUNNING NAKED DOWN RODEO DRIVE!" AJ bellowed. "HE'S BEING CHASED BY A HERD OF GIRLS!

"WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING?" Becky shrieked. "WHY IS HE NAKED?"

"Oh my god," I mumbled. "I'm going to be stuck like this forever. I'm going to have to find a baby daddy and go on food stamps and--"

"STOP FOR A SECOND!" Bri grabbed my shoulders and shook. I looked up in surprise. My bottom lip quivered.

"Don't you cry," he warned. "I can't stand it when you girls cry."

"You shook me," I said in a tiny voice. He dropped his hands and squatted down.

"Listen, I think AJ and I are going to need to track your body down," he said more calmly than I think he really was. "I'm going to talk Becky into hanging out with you. This is your chance. Find out more about her. Redeem yourself."

Before it's too late wasn't spoken, but the words hung in the air between us. I sniffled. Bri reached out and brushed my hair away from my cheek gently. I never noticed how pretty his eyes were before.

"It's going to be okay. I promise you," he whispered. He stood up, kissed my cheek and left the bathroom. I sighed.

I knew that if we ever got all this figured out, that somehow, some way, I was going to learn to be as good of a husband as Brian.

Either that, or I was going to have to steal him from Leighanne so he could be my baby-daddy...

Nah.


************************************************


AJ drives like a maniac. I had my seat belt on and pulled tight across my chest and my eyes closed as he ducked and weaved his huge truck through traffic. I clung to the handle over my window and mumbled the lyrics to a Chris Tomlin song to keep my nerves down. AJ glanced over at me, "What's wrong with you?"

"You drive like a crazy person," I whimpered.

"At least I've never gotten a ticket for driving too slow," he said pointedly - referencing this one time when I got pulled over for going too far under the minimum speed limit on an expressway.

I swear, some people never forgive you for things like that.

When he finally screeched his way into a parking space along Rodeo, I leaped out of the truck (literally, it was so high I pratically needed a parachute) and sprinted in the direction AJ had said "Nick" had been going on TV while he stuggled to swipe his credit card through the parking meter. As I was running, I started hearing the faint rumble of screaming girls ahead of me, and knew I was getting closer.

Then I heard them.

Sirens

"Oh God, no," I muttered. I sped up, trying to outrun the police that were evidently on their way. I yanked my backpack from my back and started pulling out the clothing of Nick's that we'd shoved into the bag. I turned a corner and there he was, standing in a water fountain.

"I WANT MY BABY!!!" he was yelling, "I WANT MY FUCKING BABY! WHERE THE HELL IS THAT BITCH NURSE?! WHERE IS SHE!!!!"

Oh. My. God.

I shoved through a throng of people that had gathered around. Several paparazzi stood to one side, their flash bulbs going off, shouting over here, Nick, over here! Several murmurs of "oh my God, Brian's here, too!" snaked through the crowd as I shoved, trying desperately to beat the cops to Nick's body. The sirens were still blaring, but I'd definitely arrived before they had.

I got to the fountain and shouted, "Nick!"

He didn't respond.

Of course he didn't respond. This wasn't really Nick - it was whoever Tiffany really was. Whatever her real name was.

"HEY!" I bellowed, "HEY!" When there was still no response, I reached up and grabbed for his hand but missed and grabbed --

Something of Nick's I never wanted to grab. Ever.

Stunned by the touch, "Nick" looked down and our eyes met. Panic went through them. "Don't touch me!" he yelled, "Don't touch me! I want my breasts back!"

Several people in the crowd cracked up. One mumbled "How high is this guy? Jesus."

"Please," I begged, "Some cops are coming... and I can help you. Just get down, put these clothes on, and we'll get you home."

"I WANT MY MOTHER FUCKIN' BABY!"

I swallowed. "I know where your baby is," I hissed.

Nick froze. Looked down at me. "You do?"

"Yes," I answered. "Now please... Before you get arrested. Please."

Fifteen minutes later, we were sitting in AJ's truck, stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic Nick's body was back in his dirty sweats and boat-sized sneakers and AJ was sitting in the driver's seat, snickering at the image of Nick standing buck-naked on a fountain screaming for breasts and babies. "I cannot wait to YouTube this," he chuckled, "Oh God, I can't wait."

"Where's my baby?"

"Relax, you didn't give birth yet," I said quietly. "Well Nick didn't give birth. Oh God. This is so confusing."

"What's your name, snookums?" AJ asked.

"Lorraine," she replied, "But my friends all call me Lainey."

"Okay, Lainey," AJ grinned.

"Stop it," I snapped at AJ, "Don't hit on her, she's a dude. You're sick."

"You're hitting on Nick," he pointed out.

"He's a chick!" I said.

"You're hitting on me?" Lainey asked.

"No," AJ said, turning red.

"I didn't mean you," she said pointedly to AJ, "I know you are. I meant you," she looked at me. "You're hitting on my body?"

I turned red.

"Yeah, with his male best friend inside it," AJ added.

Lainey turned red. "You guys aren't like feeling me up and shit right?"

AJ blinked rapidly and turned to face forward. He clearly didn't want to talk about his sandwiches theory from earlier that day. I sighed, "No, we're all married men and..." I stopped. "Oh GOD," I muttered.

"What?" AJ and Lainey both asked at the same exact time.

"AJ, we can't go back to my place with - with--" I looked at Lainey/Nick, "---uh, them," I stammered.

"Why the fuck not?" AJ asked.

"Because," I said, "Becky's there. Nick doesn't want Becky to know he's a woman."

"He'd rather she think he was buck naked on a fountain on Rodeo drive screaming for breasts?" he asked.

Good point.

"Well I don't know, but... but.. until I have a chance to talk to him, could you keep Lainey with you at your house?"

"Why can't we just switch bodies back?" Lainey demanded. "I don't like this man body."

"Do you know how to switch back?" I asked. Lainey shook her head. "Well there ya have it. We'll get you two together and try to figure it out after I have a chance to get Becky out of my house and talk to Nick."

AJ sighed. "Rochelle is gonna be so freaked out..."

"You can't tell Rochelle," I snapped.

"WHAT?" AJ's eyes widened, "Dude, how the hell do I sneak this Nick-woman into my house without RoRo knowing he's a she?"

"The same way I'm avoiding explaining to Leighanne that she's a he!" I yelled.

AJ smacked his forehead, "This out of body shit? It needs to stop. I need Tylenol."
Chapter 15 by evergreenwriter83
Chapter Fifteen

"So is Ricky excited about the baby?" Becky asked. We were sitting at either end of the couch staring at the TV. It was tuned into the Oprah Network and Kat Cora was cooking a disgusting looking dish. We both had our feet propped up on pillows.

"Who's Ricky?" I asked. Becky turned and looked at me in confusion.

"Didn't Brian say that was the name of the baby's father?"

"Huh? Oh...Oh yeah! Yeah, he's excited. Very excited."

Becky sighed. "You're lucky."

I frowned. "Lucky? What do you mean? Isn't your husband excited?"

"He was at first, but now..."

"Now what?"

"He acts like I'm bothering him. I just..." she sniffled. "I need help. I've never done this before. I'm a nurse, but I still had no clue what it was like until it happened to me."

"Oh my god, I know exactly what you mean!"

"You do?"

I've heard of people having epiphany's, but I never really knew what it was until that exact moment. I mean, I needed help and Brian just wasn't doing enough. It was so obvious that I burst into tears and began to nod.

By the time Brian got back, Becky and I were sitting on the couch, hugging each other tightly and crying. We were having a moment. Sure, she didn't know it was me, but it was still nice.

"Um..."

I looked up and sniffled. "You need to take better care of me," I pouted. Becky whirled around.

"Yeah, Bri! I mean her husband was just deployed to Iraq and she needs someone. We all need someone!" Becky burst into sobs.

Bri's mouth fell open. He looked at the two of us, his face coloring.

"Becky, I, er, I mean we," he motioned to me and then to himself. "We need to tell you something. But first I need a moment alone with Tiffany."

"What?" I asked in confusion. Bri took my hand and hoisted me up. I followed him to the guest bedroom.

"What's going on?" I hissed.

"We found you," he said, his face coloring.

"And?"

"And if we don't tell Becky what's going on, she's going to think you went on a crack binge. We found the chick, er you, standing naked in a fountain wailing for her baby and looking for her..." Bri grabbed his chest. "And let's not even mention all the reporters."

I groaned. I felt a sudden sharp shooting pain snag across my stomach. I winced.

"Becky's never going to believe this," I said. "Where'd you take me? I mean her? I mean the chick?" This was getting even more confusing then it was before.

"AJ's got you. He's taking the girl back to his place until I give him the all clear. I didn't want this to get out of hand."

"What? Are you serious? It's already out of hand! Once Ro knows, she's going to call Becky and--" I paused, not just for effect but because of another pain. Damnit, I was probably giving this girl an ulcer after all this.

"I told him he can't tell Ro," Bri said meekly.

The pain subsided and I snorted. "Yeah, right. Like he's going to listen. He's leashed up just as bad as you."

"Leash--shut up. Will you go out there and help me prove it's you?"

"Do I have a choice?" I asked. Bri shook his head. He turned to go, but I grabbed his arm. He looked at me. I don't know what made me do it, but I smirked. "Once last kiss for the road?" I asked, batting my lashes.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


What happened next, I will never forget for the rest of my life. Maybe even longer. I may still be having nightmares of the possibilities well after I've dead and buried. I don't know. If I go to hell - which I won't because I'm very diligent in my prayer life, but I'm just saying if - the following events will be replayed to me day after day for all eternity on a large screen television set, overlaid with the laughter of the devil and a Justin Bieber song on continuous repeat.

I led Nick, who was making kissy-noises, into the hall and back towards the living room. Becky was standing in front of the sofa, staring into the hallway with an expectant look on her face. Her hands were bracing her back, her belly protruding - though nowhere near as far as Nicks. And thank God for that.

I don't think I could've handled a double helping of... Well, you'll see.

"Becky," I announced, as Nick stopped making kissy-noises. He grabbed my elbow, his fingers tight around the joint. "We have to talk -- you, me and Tiffany."

"Br- Brian..." Nick's voice was pinched.

"Nick," I said steadily, "We need to do this."

"Nick?" Becky looked confused.

"Brrrrrrrrr-IAN!!!!!!!!!!!" Nick's voice climbed from a whimper to a shriek. His grip tightened even harder, clamping down like iron. "Oh fucking hell," he cried.

Becky's eyes widened. "Tiffany!"

"N-Tiffany?!" I turned to look at him... just as a splash of hot fluid hit my feet.

"Oh fuck," I wailed, "Oh fuck." I looked at Becky. "FUCK. He's going into labor!"

"DID I JUST PEE MYSELF????" Nick's eyes were wide as he looked up at me, the contraction falling away. "DID I JUST PEE ON YOU?" He grabbed my arm with both his hands.

"Your water broke honey," Becky said, running over. She wrapped her arms around Nick's shoulders. "It's okay. Did you do lamaze?"

"N-no!" Nick's eyes flashed. "I broke? Why am I broke? What broke? Did my bladder explode? Oh my God. What happens now? Is it gonna fall out?" He grabbed Becky's arms. "Please, I'm terrified, please."

"It's gonna be okay, Tiffany," Becky said. She rubbed Nick's arms gently, "It's okay."

"No! No it's not! Oh my God is a baby gonna fall out of my va-jay-jay?!?" He looked at me. "BRIAN! A BRIAN'S COMING OUTTA MY VA-JAY-JAY!"

I felt my jaw flapping like a fish. "I - I - Oh God. I--" I felt like I'd been dunked into cold water. "Oh shit. Oh Lord."

"Brian, where's Tiffany's hospital bag?" Becky asked calmly.

Hospital bag. Oh Lord. "I - We don't - I didn't -- we..." I stammered.

Becky frowned. "Well get your keys," she said, "We gotta get Tiffany to the hospital." She looked at Nick. "You didn't do lamaze?" she asked as I bolted for the table by the door, where my keys were waiting.

"I don't really like llamas," Nick was muttering, "They spit and they smell and I had some bad experiences with them once."

"Not llamas, sweetie," Becky said, "La-MAHHHHZE. Breathing exercises."

"Exercise? Breathing?" Nick asked, confused.

"Tiff," I said, "Ooo-hee-ooo-haa.."

"Why are we singing the Witch Doctor song?" he asked. I looked at Becky and opened the door. She helped NIck down the hall. "I dont feel like singing right now," Nick continued, "It doesn't sound the same when it's not me... Everything's like singing falsetto, it's so weird..."

Luckily, Becky seemed to be not really listening.

We made it down the stairs to the car and Becky and I loaded Nick, who was now screaming in agony from another contraction, into the vehicle. "Kill me!" he was screaming, "Kill me! I want to die! Make it stop!!"

Becky crawled in next to him and I bolted for the driver's seat.

"I want to diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie!" I could hear Nick's wails from outside the car.

Oh. My. Lord.

I leaped behind the steering wheel. "Brian do you know how to contact Ricky?" Becky asked from the back seat.

"I - I - uh - I..."

Nick's face was pink with tears. "Please Brian," Becky begged.

I pulled out my cell phone and called AJ. "Yo?" AJ asked as he picked up. I could hear Nick's voice in the background. And Rochelle's.

"Tiffany is in labor," I barked.

"Nick's having the baby?!?" AJ's voice was panicked.

"I WANT MY BABY!" I heard Nick's voice -- Nick's actual body's voice -- aka Lainey -- yelling.

AJ groaned. "OH sweet Jesus."

"KILL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Nick bellowed in the backseat.

"Brian!" Becky yelled, "DRIVE! Unless you wanna have a baby delivered in your SUV on the Interstate!"

"I - I -- I GOTTA GO!" I threw the cell phone across the car and threw the vehicle into reverse.

No way in hell was I helping extract a child from Nick's va-jay-jay.
Chapter 16 by evergreenwriter83
Chapter Sixteen

I felt like a mack truck was running across my back and my stomach at the same time. I was laying across Becky's lap as Brian sat in the driver's seat mumbling to himself. I felt like I had just expelled a jellyfish and as such, it was the closest description I could give to the feeling between my legs.

"Breathe," Becky said. She ran a hand through my hair. "Breathe."

A fresh wave of torture took hold of my body and I screamed to the point I was practically hyperventalating. I grabbed Becky's wrist and squeezed.

"I'm so sorry for everything," I gasped. "I'm sorry I did this to you."

Becky shook her head. "It's okay. You can squeeze my wrist as hard as you want."

I shook my head. I gasped for breath. How did that breathing thing go again?

"Can you speed up?" Becky called.

"I'm going as fast as I can!" he squealed. "Hang on Nick!"

"Nick?" Becky asked. I screamed, half in pain and half in fear. The car rocked suddenly and I buried my face in Becky's familiar chest and began to cry.

"BRIAN!"

"Jesus. Gee-sus. First I'm too slow than I'm too fast..."

"I bet that's what Leighanne says," Becky and I said at the same time. We looked at each other. Becky paled.

"How did you--"

It was a one-liner Beckers and I pulled on Brian all the time. I struggled to sit up. That was a big mistake. Becky's eyes grew wide with horror.

"Nick?"

I didn't have a chance to respond. My mouth opened and I threw up all over her. The car swerved erratically.

"You did NOT just throw up in my car! You didn't! Oh my god, it's sick smell. I can't stand sick smell. I--"

"YOU DON'T HAVE A BABY COMING OUT OF A REGULAR HARD SHELL TACO!" I bellowed at the top of my lungs. "IT'S NOT EVEN LIKE THE SUPREME OR THE DOUBLE CHALUPA!"

"You just threw up on your wife and you're talking about Taco Bell?!"

I glanced at Becky. She had grabbed a towel that had a large pair of praying hands and was wiping herself off, looking rather pale and green. I took it from her and began to dab.

"I'm so sorry. I never realized puking was so bad. I should have been holding your ha--ha---"

I grabbed the towel and twisted it hard. I felt something slip down a little farther.

"OH GOD!" I wailed. "I can't do this!"

"We're here!" Bri said. He rolled down the window. "THE PUKE MOBILE HAS ARRIVED!"

The back door quickly opened. "The puke--holy shit on a stick. You threw up on Becky?"

Becky reached forward and held my face before I could even think about sliding out of the car.

"You're really Nick," she said dumbfounded. "My...husband?"

"I've had a bad couple days," I said. "I--"

I didn't finish. My foot shot forward as another contraction overtook me. It connected with something soft and I pressed harder. I fell back and stared at the ceiling.

"I'll go get a wheelchair!" Bri yelled.

"Make that two!" Becky said.

I didn't realize what she meant until the contraction lessened. I looked down and saw AJ crumpled on the ground. A tall shadow covered him and the toe of a huge sneaker nudged him.

"You kicked him hard."

I gasped. That voice.

"GIVE ME MY BODY!" I bellowed. Forging through the pain, I got out of the car. My own body looked back at me. The eyes fell to my stomach.

"MY BABY!"

Becky and Bri careened around the corner with two wheelchairs. Becky stopped in her tracks.

"What the hell is going on?" she asked.

I leaned back against the car; lightning-hot daggers of pain shot down my back. I grimaced.

"BRIAN KISSED ME!" I yelled.

"You did what?!" Becky gasped. "You kissed me?" the chick in my body demanded.

"I---I---" I heard Bri stutter.

I was seconds away from sliding down onto the ground when a soft hand glided by my elbow. Becky sat me down in a chair. AJ crawled into the other. She knelt down, resting her hands on my girly knees.

"Is it really bad?" she asked. For the first time ever, I saw the fear in her eyes. I touched the side of her face.

"I promise you I'll be there for you. I won't let you--" I hissed out a breath. "hurt like this."

"Oh, Nick," Becky said softly.

Before she could say another word, some medics finally came out.

The wheelchair races had begun.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


"I can never have children again."

"You're fine."

"TRUST ME... YOU DON'T WANNA ... WANNA ---- Ohhhhhhhhh myyyyyyyy fuckiiiiiiiiin g GOOOOOOOOOODDD DDDD!!!!!!"

"Breathe... Hooo-hee-hooo-haa!"

"Why are you singing The Witch Doctor to Nick?"

"I want my baby! If you hurt my baby with your man stupidness, I will never forgive you!"

"AJ! Hold the ice. Brian, stop looking at my husband's breasts."

"YEAH! Stop looking at my breasts!"

The last line was said by both versions of Nick. AJ was clutching a bag of ice to his crotch and Becky was impatiently arguing with the receptionist. I felt like I was having deja'vu. It had been less than a year since we'd stood in this same spot with Rochelle, having a very similar argument.

"If you don't get us up stairs, my husband is going to have a fucking baby here in your waiting room!"

Well, maybe not the same argument.

The receptionist blinked.

"IT HURTS... Oh God it hurts! Becky I'm sorry! I'll never sleep with you again!"

Becky looked at Nick. "It's okay, sweetie, you can sleep with me..."

"I'll wear a condom every time, I swear it. You do not hafta go through this more than once. I won't let you. OH. MY. GGGGGGGG-------"

I rubbed Nick's shoulders. He was squirming every which way in the seat below me. AJ was curled into fetal position on his chair. "At least your dick's not broken," he muttered.

"I DON'T FUCKING HAVE ONE! DON'T MAKE MY LIFE WORSE!" Nick bellowed.

"At least you don't hafta push the baby out of your penis," I pointed out gently, figuring me saying the P-word would distract Nick's mind from the pain.

Nick's eyes widened. "Do NOT give fate ANY ideas."

"Yeahhhh," AJ said, perking up at the thought of it. He grinned wickedly. "Nick, what happens if you switch back while you're on the delivery table?" AJ's eyes twinkled.

Nick paled.

"Shhhh," I hissed, glaring at AJ as Nick's eyes welled up in fear, "AJ's being an asshole, don't listen to him, sweetie..."

"STOP HITTING ON MY HUSBAND!" Becky snapped. She motioned to the doors that we'd pushed Rochelle through before and led the way down the same hallway. Nick's shouts echoed off the walls. AJ, who didn't really seem to need the wheelchair any longer was grinning from his throne as Lainey pushed him along behind Nick and I, headed toward the delivery room....
Chapter 17 by evergreenwriter83
Chapter Seventeen

"Hee-hee-hee-"

"Mwhahaha."

Bri was hovering next to me throwing his minty breath in my face. I glared over at J, the one who had begun to laugh the sinister laugh.

"Shut. UP," I growled.

"You need to focus on a happy place," Brian said.

"It's right there!" AJ said, pointing at what used to be my crotch.

"GET OUT!" Becky and Bri yelled at the same time.

"I'm just being helpful!" he complained.

"Helpful? Helpful?" my real voice burst out. I watched Lainie use my old, amazing, large hands lift AJ right out of the wheelchair. His eyes widened to the size of saucers.

"I--I'm sorry, ma'am. Er, sir. Er..."

Before AJ got pummeled, the door opened and a doctor walked in. He was grinning ear to ear. "This must be where the party's at!" he said happily.

I instantly hated him.

"Let's see..." he mused, opening his chart. "We have Tiffany?"

"Lainie," my Nick-voice corrected. "I must have the wrong room..." the doctor said in confusion. I watched the 'Nick-she' grab the chart from his hands.

"Let me fix that," she snapped.

"Are you the father?" the doctor said, that stupid grin reappearing. Lainie lowered the chart. "I'm the mother!" she wailed.

"This whole thing's a little unorthodox," Bri said quickly. AJ hid another round of 'evil-Disney-character' laughter behind his palm.

"WOULD SOMEONE HELP ME?!" I yelled. My fingers clawed into the sheets and the next wave of whatever the hell medieval torture this was slammed through me like an unrelenting wave.

"Let's see how far along you are," the doctor said quickly. "Then we can see about getting you some pain relief."

Becky pressed her palm to my head, which calmed me for a second. Literally, a second. I became irate again as the doctor tried to move my sheet.

"Don't do that! Don't touch me!" I stared up at Becky. The doctor seemed dumbfounded.

"Honey," she said quietly. "He has to...check."

"Check what!?"

She bit her lip. AJ leaned over me. "He has to check your va-jay--"

"NO!" I burst out. I scrambled backwards, screaming. I was being ripped in half. "NO HE ISN'T!"

"Nick..." Becky said.

"Nick?" the doctor asked.

I started to cry. "What did you girls ever do to deserve this?" I bemoaned. Becky kept petting me like a kitten until I settled back down. She turned to the doctor. "Go ahead."

As I was subjected to the most humiliating exam of my life, out of the corner of my eye I saw AJ raise his phone. She-Nick grabbed it, threw it on the floor, and stomped. AJ gasped.

"You're almost nine," the doctor announced, his head popping back out. I squeezed my legs together for dear life.

"What does that mean?!"

Becky let out a little sigh. She squeezed my hand.

"It means you'll be too late for an epidural by the time the guy gets here to give you one," she said. My eyes widen.

"You mean I have to do this--"

"Drug free," she finished. From behind me, Lainie erupted in a string of curses. Bri rolled his eyes up to the ceiling.

"You better be praying for me," I hissed.

* * * * * * *


The doctor was peeling off his rubber gloves after examining Nick, who was clutching me and Becky both so hard I was pretty sure he was going to break one of our arms. He smiled, too cheerful - clearly, he was freaked out by all the crazy that was packed into one delivery room. AJ was lounging in his wheelc chair, eyeing Lainey with distrrust, who was leaning against the wall with a sullen look on her face because she wasn't delivering her baby. Becky, who was pasty white as she absently rubbed her own protruding belly, stared down at Nick's petite legs that were buckled up in the stirrups.

"If any of you have any questions..." the doctor was mumbling as he headed for the door.

"...So, Doc... How exactly do you become a- you know... professional woman inspector?"

I smacked AJ up the back of the head.

"What?" AJ demanded.

"Do you seriously have to be that pathetic?"

"He said any questions," AJ snapped.

The doctor stared at us, perplexed.

"That wasn't a real question," I snapped back.

"Sure it was," AJ responded, "Who wouldn't want that job? You get to see all the pu--"

"ALEX!" Becky's voice was so sharp and commanding that AJ clamped his mouth shut without finishing the word.

"I'll be... uh... back when... when... Ti-- La-- Ti-- she is ready to deliver," the doctor scrambled out the door so fast it was as though he were escaping from a floor made of quicksand.

I whirled about to look at AJ. "NOW do you see what you've done?" I demanded, my face flushing, "Do you see what you've done?"

"I just wanted to know how he got into the field of feeling up women for a living!" AJ squeaked.

"Who the hell in their right mind asks that?" I demanded.

"Nick did," Becky replied with a sigh.

I turned and looked at Nick, who's face was scrunched in pain. "What?" I asked.

Becky rolled her eyes, "The first appointment I had with the OB when they were telling me I was pregnant, Nick came along and asked how to become a va-jay-jay inspector."

"He didn't."

Becky sighed. "It was accompanied by the theme song to Inspector Gadget, too."

"SEE?" AJ crowed, "I'm normal."

Lainey growled from the corner, "NONE of this is normal!" she bellowed, "I WANT TO BE THE ONE DELIVERING MY BABY!!!" she wailed.

"You doooooooooooon't!" wailed Nick, "It huuuuuuuuurts!!!!"

He squeezed my arm even harder. If that was possible. I felt my knees buckle.

"Inspector va-jay-jay," AJ sang quietly.

Becky, Nick, Lainey and I all glared at him.

"What?" AJ asked, "It's catchy."
Chapter 18 by evergreenwriter83
Chapter Eighteen

"Do you want some ice chips, princess?"

"He's my princess."

"He's not really a he right now, is he?"

"WOULD YOU TWO SHUT UP!" I bellowed.

"Okay, I have to ask. Are you single?" Lainie asked. "Because that rock on your hand says otherwise. Does your wife know you're flirting with me?"

Through yet another agonizing contraction, I looked over at Bri. His face was turning crimson.

"Don't get your hopes up," J said. "He only gets off on other chicks if they're pregnant."

"Dude, shut up!" Bri barked. "I don't like pregnant chicks. I just--"

"Could we argue about this later?" I gasped. I grabbed Becky's hand. "I--"

I couldn't get out what I needed to say next. I felt the worst pressure in my entire life.

"Oh crap."

"What?" Lainie and Bri said simultaneously .

"I gotta push," I said. I didn't know how I knew I had to push, but it was all I could think of. I sucked in a breath and tucked my head down.

"Don't push yet!" Becky said. She leaned over and jammed the nurse button.

"Yeah don't push yet, I don't have the video working yet!" J complained.

"You're not talking video of my private parts!" Lainie yelled.

"Technically, they're Nick's private parts right now," J said with a laugh.

"Let me get behind you," Bri said.

"You're not getting behind my husband!"

Two fights broke out simultaneously . I grabbed onto the railing and screamed bloody murder. That shut them all up.

"She's got some pipes, doesn't she?"

The doctor whisked in, tugging on gloves. He didn't ask permission this time. Va-jay-jay hit air and he was down there.

"Yup, we're about ready to have a baby!" he trilled.

"Can't you just cut it out?" I begged. Lainie stomped her foot. "You're not ruining my stomach!"

"It's such a nice stomach," Bri agreed.

"Just listen to me," Becky whispered. "One...two...three...push."

On push, I did what I was told. I drew in a breath.

"I respect you so much, Beckers," I gasped. "Guys have it so easy." I squeezed my eyes shut.

"This is a fast one. We've got crowning!" the doctor called. "Breathe and push!

I bore down and pushed again, but just as the doctor began to exclaim about hair, a wave of dizziness rushed over me. I felt my hand slip from Becky's...


*************


AJ's eyes were the size of half dollars.

He had a way-too-detailed view of how children come into the world from the wheelchair he'd taken up residence in, and his eyes, glued to Nick's exposed va-jay-jay, were being treated to the scene of a lifetime. I know. I'd watched Baylee be born, while huffing and puffing loudly, clutching my wife's foot for support.

AJ had taken the chicken's way out when Dominique was born. He'd stood by Rochelle's head and held her hand.

Birds-eye views of births are quite....um... special.

"Holy fucking hell," he muttered.

Lainey was biting the fatty part of Nick's thumb standing beside the wheel chair, her eyes wide, too, as Nick screamed bloody-murder from the bed, thrashing against the stirrups and against Becky's grasp. "Guys have it soooo eeeeeaasyyyyyy y!" he shrieked, his face contorted.

Suddenly, Lainey let out a cry and buckled. Nick's tall frame fell against the wheelchair, clutching AJ's bony knee as she dropped toher knees. "Oh my God," she wailed.

I looked over at her. What the hell...?

Suddenly we had a tall blonde man and a short blonde woman both screaming. The doctor looked confusedly between the two. Becky's eyes widened. "Don't lemme go, don't lemme goooo," Nick begged from the bed.

AJ sprang up and, in the gentlemanly way that he was always surprisingly capable of, he reached for Lainey's elbows and struggled to get Nick's frame into the wheel chair. "It's okay," he muttered, glancing at me, a worried look on his face.

And then it happened.

"What the hell?" the doctor sounded completely perplexed.

It seemed like I'd blinked and missed something. Suddenly, it was Nick - actual Nick - that was clutching mine and Becky's wrists, legs up in the stirrups. I blinked in shock. The doctor had jumped up from his stool. AJ was suddenly kneeling between the legs of hospital-gowned, half-way-through-delivery Lainey, who was sprawled in the wheel chair.

Nick, who was still lamaze-breathing, looked over at her. His eyes widened. The doctor, confused but on the ball, quickly moved his operation baby-birthing to the wheelchair. Nick struggled with the blanket that lay over his chest and groin and shoved his hand down the front of him, squeezing his nether regions. His eyes widened. He looked up at Becky, then at me, and he said, in the most excited voice ever...

"BRIAN!...........I'VE GOT A PENIS!!!!!!"

AJ stumbled back against the wall beside me. He looked at me, a thoroughly traumatized expression on his face. "Holy sweet Jesus, man," he gasped, "I do not want that guy's job. It's like all the fucking worst parts of every horror movie I ever saw."

Becky was pale as Lainey's voice ripped through the delivery room.

Nick sat up and wrapped his arms around her scared frame. "You are the bravest, most incredible woman I ever saw in my whole life and I swear to God I'ma treat you better and serve you like a Queen. I'ma get you breakfast in bed with those cool trays and a lil flower. I'll put it in a vase. And orange juice! Holy shit I need to buy oranges cos I'm gonna hand squeeze you oranges and make you bacon and eggs and cheese with toast and yogurt and those little muffins you like with the cranberries and sausages. And I'm gonna do the laundry. And I'll take out the trash the first time you ask. I swear I'll never watch football again!"

Becky's eyes met Nick's.

"I'll do anything," Nick continued, his voice hallowed, "Anything you want and need and anything at all!"

"....Give birth to our kid for me," Becky gasped.

"What?" Nick looked confused.

"This..." she waved her hand at Lainey, "I can't do this. Oh my God. I - I can't do this."

"Beckers, I--"

"Crowning!" the doctor yelped. "We have a head."

And indeed, we did have a head. I stood there, staring at Lainey's delivery from the wheel chair, her legs spread out on the arms of the chair awkwardly, the doctor and nurses moving around her like a swarm of ants on a discarded french fry. I reached out and clutched AJ's hand. "Wow," I muttered.

"Holy shit," Nick gasped.

"I can't do this," Becky breathed.

"Je-sus," AJ muttered.

And before our very eyes, with pushes and heaves and wails.... a baby dropped into the doctor's hands and began to cry.

"Wow," Nick said again, as the nurses converged to begin cleaning off the infant. His eyes were full of tears. "Wow."

Becky grabbed his arm and hugged it close to her chest. "Yeah," she whispered, awed, "Wow." She looked down at her stomach, a glance which Nick mimicked.

"...I can't wait," he whispered, laying a hand on her stomach. "I can't wait for this to be our moment." He wrapped his arms around her, and she settled into his chest. "It's worth the hurt," he added quietly. "The baby's worth every moment."

Fifteen minutes later, the baby had been cleaned and wrapped in a soft blue blanket and was tucked against Lainey's chest. Nick and Becky were standing on one side of the bed, AJ and I on the other, staring down at Lainey's baby boy. "Nick," she said, with a laugh.

"Wha?" Nick asked.

"No," Lainey said, "That's his name. I'm going to name him Nick."

Nick beamed at Becky.

"He kinda has your eyes, Rok," AJ whispered.

Nick looked up at AJ. "At least he didn't get his nose."

"You guys," I said, "I am not the father, remember?"

"If it was really Nick's you would've been," AJ said quietly, with a smile.

"I wasn't gonna sleep with Nick," I snapped.

"You say that now," Nick said, "But when I had a va-jay-jay... it was a totally different story."
Epilogue by evergreenwriter83
Epilogue

"Ooooohhhh."

"It's okay. Breathe in...breathe out. Oooh-eee-ooh-ah-ah. Ching, chang, wanna, wanna bing-bang."

Becky laughed mid-breath. I lowered my lips to her sweaty forehead and reached out for the bucket by my side. I brought an ice chip to her mouth. Her lips parted and I stuck it on her tongue.

"Thank foo," she said around the chip. I shook my head.

"No, thank you. You're having our baby, after all."

"You're the best ha--ha---husband in the wa--wa---world," Becky moaned. Her hand tightened around my wrist.

I didn't know about the 'best husband in the world' title, but my out-of-body experience had taught me a valuable lesson. I hadn't ignoring Becky once since the switch back. I probably knew her progress probably better than she did. And yet I wouldn't have changed a thing. All of the mood swings, laughter, love, and tears had culminated to this moment...

It was our baby's birth day.

"Nicccckkkk," Becky moaned. Her head fell back against the pillow. I pressed a cloth to her forehead just as the door opened.

"How we doing?"

Of all the crazy luck, Becky's water had broken a week early and our OB/GYN was on vacation. The doctor filling in for our doctor was none other than the guy that had gotten an eye full of penis on the delivery room table when Lainie and I had switched. He kept his distance from me and pulled up the stool. Beckers looked up at me and smiled. I shook my head, grinning.

"You have a crowd waiting to see this little one," the doc said. "Or should I say you're, um, unorthodox family is waiting."

I rubbed my neck. Damn Brian and his 'unorthodox' family. "How's my Becky doing?" I asked impatiently. The monitor showed another wicked contraction and I heard her begin another round of lamaze breathing.

"Let's just say that the baby's ready. All we need is some pushing."

"Push?" Becky repeated.

A couple nurses entered and activity picked up. One of the nurses repositioned her. I climbed up on the bed, my hands pressing on the small of her back. Her head fell against my shoulder.

"Just listen to me," I whispered. "One...two...three...push. One...two...three...push." Beckers leaned forward and I kept my hand on her back. She let out a yell that ended in a whimper.

This continued for twenty minutes. Becky was sweaty and cursing, but all I saw was my gorgeous wife being a hero. I was coaching her through another push when the doctor looked at me with a hesitant smile.

"Want to catch?" he asked. "There's a nice blonde head I see here." My heart jumped; I looked at Becky. She smiled.

"Will you be okay?" I asked. She nodded. I slid off the bed and headed towards the doc.

I had sat through all the videos with Beckers, but nothing really compared to actually seeing the whole thing in person. When Lainie had delivered, I was still epically confused. AJ had seen way more than I had (and was still talking about it). Today, I was completely aware and ready. The sight of the bloody head made me start crying, not from disgust but from happiness. I leaned down, took a deep breath and followed the doctor's instructions.

Less than two minutes later, I was holding our baby.

I had never heard a more perfect cry in all my life.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


Nick, AJ, Howie, Kevin and I were gathered around the window in the corridor of the baby delivery wing at the hospital. Kevin had flown out to see Nick's little girl. It was nice to all be together. Nick stood smiling proudly in the center as the four of us clustered around him. "She's beautiful," breathed Howie.

"I know," Nick said reverently, smiling sweetly down at her.

"She looks so much like Becky," Kevin muttered, shaking his head.

"I know," Nick said, nodding, eyes never peeling away from his daughter.

"She has your eyes," I said, smiling.

Nick looked at me. "Don't you be hittin' on my lil girl," he said, eyeballing me. "She's way too young for you."

"I wasn't! I --"

"Yeah, BRok," AJ said. He turned and leaned against the window, an evil grin on his face. "Don't go hitting on all the female versions of Nick now."

Howie rolled his eyes, "A female Nick. Good grief -- can you even begin to fathom the horror?"

AJ snorted and covered his mouth.

"Brian, you'd probably bang her," Kevin teased, punching my arm.

I flushed.

"Oh you bet he would," Nick grinned cheekily at me.

I quickly turned back to the pink bundle behind the glass to divert attention back to where it really belonged. "What are you guys naming her?" I asked, tracing her outline on the glass with the tip of my finger and smiling down at her as she kicked. A nurse walked over and adjusted her blankets.

Nick smiled.

"....Tiffany."
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