As I lay in my bed, I try once again to close my eyes and just forget. But it's pointless. All I can do is remember, and feel. Remember the past and feel this horrible pain I've been carrying with me for so much time, and that it got worse today.
In a few hours I went thru disbelief, got a taste of happiness, then to anger, and now I'm just in this painful numb state.
It wasn't supposed to be like this!

'Ana! Ana, where are you?' The sound of Rachel's voice calling me got the tears flowing again. I didn't have the energy to answer. I heard the bedroom door open and her sigh of relief at finding me.

'I've never been so scared! Please don't do that to me again! Do you have any idea what...' I couldn't hear her anymore as my silent crying turned to sobbing. I felt her arms hugging my back and a hand stroking my hair.

I don't know how long we laid there in my bed, but I finally stopped crying and I knew I'd have to tell her what happened.

"What did he do now?"

"I..." I couldn't tell her.

"Don’t you dare tell me this isn’t because of him! You only get like this when the mother fucker decides to show his self and give you scraps of his precious time! One day you'll see that it's his fault for being so fucking blind he doesn't see how much he hurts you!" I stayed silent, not wanting to get into an argument with my best friend.

"I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what happened."
"I can't."
"You can't, or you won't?"
I sighed at that, I just never won an argument with her.
"I just don't want to cry once again. Or not now, because I know I will cry again."
"Sweetie, I think it's best to just get it over with. Get it all out of your chest!

I took a deep breath and began to speak with great effort.
"He was at the wedding."
"How? You were the one to handle the guest list, why didn't you see his name?"
"Because he wasn't in the list! But the father of the bride told me 5 minutes before starting the ceremony to expect one more guest...

~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Everything is ready Marissa, all you need to think about now is walking down the isle in the hands of your father."

She smiles at me and pulls me into a hug. "I don't know how I'd have gone through all the details without you!"

I smile at her as I fix her veil. "I'm the one who has to thank you for your trust in me. More so when you could've chosen someone with more expertise!"

"The moment I met you in that flower shop I knew you were the one! After seven interviews with Wedding Planners, you, a Florist, were the only one who actually understood what I wanted, not what my father's money could make! And I'm so glad you agreed to do all this on your own, even when you lost your job!"

I still remember that day, and I still can't believe that I quit my job 2 weeks after she went into the floral store.
"I didn't lose my job, I just quit to go for my dream, and if it hadn't been for you, I'd still be stuck there. But enough of that, today’s all about you and your new life with Richard."

As I was talking, I was running through a mental checklist for things she might have forgotten, but everything seemed to be in order.
"I want you and your bridesmaids in 5 minutes, I'll go set everyone in their places."
"And please, get daddy off the phone!" She tells me with an exasperated look. One I’m sure I’d have as well if my father was always on the phone doing business.

I walked to the room where I knew Mr. Grant was glued to a laptop and his phone. Thinking and running the mental list, and appointing tasks and positions to everyone I passed by. I was glad Marissa had taken my advise to do the ceremony and reception in one place. Mr. Grant had made a few calls and one of his friends had lent us this beautiful mansion (close to palace in my opinion) and given me full rein on it. Something else I was thanking God for, more contacts, references I could give to my future clients.

When I knocked on the door, Mr. Grant opened the door himself, and as I was about to tell him as politely as I could to get off the phone, he ended the call and turned to me.

“It’s time, I know! Don’t worry, I’m ready!” He took one last look in the mirror and turned to the door as I was telling him that Marissa was waiting for him.

“I didn’t think time would fly so fast for this moment. And now I have to face it, my baby is a woman! How did that happen?”

“I think that every father who truly loves his daughter feels exactly like you do in a moment like this.”

He turns to me and takes my hands. A rare gesture, but one you know holds a lot of meaning. “I can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done. Not just the planning, you made sure Marissa was making the right decision before all this started, that is something beyond business. You have a friend in all of us and be sure I’ll be spreading the word, and I want that business plan as soon as you have it before anyone else.”

“Thank you Mr. Grant, for everything as well.”

When he’s finally at the door, he turns one last time. “There’s one more favor, there will be one more guest at the reception, possibly two, make sure he’s attended. He’s a friend of mine and I need to finish a deal with him. But please don’t tell that to Marissa!”

“I’ll see to them personally, what’s his name?”

“His name’s Howie Dorough and possibly his wife.”

With that, he closed the door, and I just stood in the room waiting for my heart to stop beating so fast.

God! Why him?...

I was taking a break in one of the second floor bathrooms, trying to distance myself from the guests.
Since Mr. Grant told me Howie's name, I haven't been able to concentrate like I should. It's easy to just smile at guests and ask them if they need anything while your mind is in a different place.

As I looked at my reflection in the mirror I tried to talk myself out of the nervousness I felt over seeing him. “Look at you; you're not the same as you were 4 years ago! You're not weak; you're starting your own business! He'll be surprised to know you're not working 2 jobs and helping your mom clean houses. You lost weight and you're beautiful. When you see him, do it with your head held high and your back straight. Just like Rachel's always telling you. And if she's with him, let her see the new Anna, not the one she humiliated.

And besides, maybe he doesn't come. God, I hope he doesn't come!

Who am I kidding, he will come. Life is always playing this sick joke on me, of course he'll be here. And of course he'll ask why you disappeared, why you stopped calling and keeping in touch.
But this time, you'll tell him everything, no holding back the truth."

I turned from the mirror and made my way to the first floor. As I was walking down the stairs I saw Mr. Grant, talking with him.

'God, he doesn't change!' He was dressed in black, as if he had just come here from some award ceremony. The ever present smile on his face and the same sparkle to his eyes

But when he saw me, he turned completely and I saw the surprise in his eyes, and my heart started drumming when his smile widened.
"I'm sorry I wasn't around to welcome Mr. Dorough."

"You know each other?" Mr. Grant asked me with curious look.

I smiled at Howie, "I just googled him"
With that he let out a laugh and pulled me into hug.
"This is a great surprise, it's so great to see you!"

Feels exactly the same, as if he hugged me every single day.

Then he whispered in my ear "Estas preciosa!”, Not beautiful, or simply pretty, but precious. He's the only one who always tells me the things no one else does.

When he was pulling away, he gave me the trademark kiss, just like old times, in the same spot, almost to the neck. A lingering kind of kiss.

Then he was addressing Mr. Grant while keeping his arm around my waist. "We've known each other since we were 17. Anna is one of the few people I can call true friend. But we last saw each other…"
"Before you got married. By the way, where's Leigh? I finished before him, wanting to know if she was there or not.

"She's very sorry for not being here, but James wasn't feeling so good and she decided to stay with him" Somehow, that didn't add up to me, but I let it pass.

"Well then, I'll leave you two to catch up on each other!"
With that, Mr. Grant left us, and I stepped away from his embrace.

"Let me show you to your table." I started walking towards the reception area, but he caught my hand.

"Wait! What's the hurry?"
"My work?" I said as I pulled my hand from his.
"Anna, what's wrong? Why are you so... distant?"

I almost laughed at that! "Really? I’m confused, you stop answering my phone calls, emails, texts, for four years, and I’m distant?” I don’t really know what got into me, but I just didn’t want to stop. Specially after seeing the surprise in his eyes and the smile disappear.

“Anna, I think we have a misunderstanding here. We need to get together and talk…”

“Really! Was it a misunderstanding all the times you stood me up? Or you didn’t understand you had to return the calls from your friend. Or better yet, was I sending emails to the wrong person? Did you get any of them?” I was expecting him to start denying everything, but he just stood there looking at me at a loss of words. That only got me madder.
“Tell me, did you receive my messages, yes or no?”

“Yes I did, but you don’t…”

“No, I do understand. Not getting an answer from you was enough. I got the message more than clear, even from Leigh. So now I’m sticking to it, staying away from you.”

“I can’t believe you’re being like this, it’s as if I don’t know you!”

“You’re right, you don’t know me anymore. I’m not who I was four years ago. And I’m not your best friend anymore, so you better get that image of me out of your head, because I’m not that Anna.
Your table is #7, I’m sure you can find it on your own.”

I turned around and quickly walked away from him, not giving him a chance to say anything else to me. Praying for the night and all those feelings I had to be over.

I could feel his eyes on me every time he was near. It didn’t matter who he was talking to, he still looked at me. I had no idea what to do.
Part of me wanted to run to the door, get into my car and leave everything behind. But the prouder part of me was winning. I was going to finish this and not let him get to me once again.

Since guests had just finished dinner, I decided now was a good time to have my own. The reception had turned into a party with guests dancing and the ones in the tables and lounge areas were talking and having a good time. Just like the couple wanted.

I made my way to the kitchen of the house, carrying a plate of chicken salad from the caterers to eat in privacy. As I was seating alone enjoying my dinner, I hear the sound of footsteps behind me. Thinking is one of the caterers I just continue eating.

“You still save the chicken for the end.”
My fork dropped to the plate when his voice startled me.

“Some things will never change. Sure, you’re Anna Martin now, instead of Anna Maria Martinez. You still use the same shampoo; you still wear the small key pendant I gave you a long time ago. You still touch your hair when you’re nervous, just like you’re doing now.”

My hand dropped from the lock of hair I was stroking. He sat in the chair opposite of mine. But I was looking at my plate, determined to not look into his eyes.
“Anna, I don't know how things got this way. I never meant for us to grow apart! Why did you stop contacting me?"

I kept looking at down at my plate, thinking what do I say to make him stop talking to me.

"I've been looking for you the past few months. But you moved, you changed your phone number and no one I asked knew anything about you! Why? Why did you do that?”

"Howie, let's just forget about everything..."

"No! I want to know why you did it!"

I took a deep breath and looked at his eyes. "I wanna know something first, and I want the truth."

"Ok, what is it?"

"Tell me what's really happening with Leigh."
He was about to say something, but closed his mouth and lowered his head.

"I know you Howie, and I came to know her! I don't believe that about James, and I just know she'd be here clinging to you. So tell me, what's happening?"

"We've been separated for 4 months. I've been living at my old condo because we seem to fight over every stupid thing! At first I thought it was stress from me being on tour while she stayed home with James, I was even blaming myself, but then I got back, and she went on tour with me and it didn't stop. Then she started to get suspicious of everything I did. If I was late getting home she would start fighting, it didn't matter that I was buying milk. The same if I got to the hotel later than the other guys. Last fight we had was because I told her I couldn't find you. I just... left!"

So that's why he was looking for me! Just like always, he needed me, so he looked for me, otherwise I didn't exist.
"Howie, you were looking for me when things were bad in your life. But did you look for me when James was born? Tell me, did you try to find me to tell me I was going to be Godmother when you baptized him, just like you always promised? You didn't!" I was to the point of screaming, but I was controlling myself.

"The months before your wedding we spend a lot of time together and I suppose Leigh didn't like that. The day of your wedding, I couldn't get to church like I wanted, but I had told you I probably wouldn't. I did get to the reception, but I couldn't get in, turns out I wasn't on the guest list!"

"What! Of course you were!" The surprise in his eyes was real. But I already knew he'd have no idea about that.

"The usher you had at the door let me know that, then security was flanking me and the wedding planner was giving me an envelope addressed to me. It was a letter from Leigh. Telling me she knew my secret and my intentions. According to her, I was in love with you and obviously how pathetic I was to even think you would go for me. How she wasn't going to let me ruin your lives together, among other things."

I stood up and started putting the plate away. But he was there holding his head in his hands, shaking his head in denial. I knew he wouldn't believe me.

"So I turned around and I was escorted to my car by security. The next week I changed my phone number, so you wouldn't find me if you called. After all, I couldn't ruin your lives together. I sent you emails to your private email, but you never answered so I think you never got them. I couldn't find you on facebook like before. Until I stopped trying to reach you."

I walked to the door of the kitchen. As much as I wanted to comfort him, I wouldn't. It was time for him to see everything that happened around him and he never noticed.

"Howie, I did everything I could to not loose you. I did my part as your best friend, but you didn't. I was happy for you, believe me I've always been. Because, you finally found what you wanted. But you have to understand something I did a long time ago. I don't belong in your life anymore."

I turned away from him and made my way to the party. At the entrance I stopped and took a few deep breaths. Only a few more hours and this battle would be over.

One hour. Only one hour left and I won’t see him again.

Now I just needed to find the Groom and bring him to the dance floor for the last dance. And keep evading Howie in the process.

After I got out of the kitchen, he must have spent a long time hidden there. But now that he was talking with Mr. Grant at his table, I could tell his mind wasn’t there. His face was somber, his eyes were fixed at the man in front of him, but you could see he was looking at something beyond that. I was trying my hardest not to cross his line of vision.

As I found the Groom and directed him to the Bride’s side, I signaled the DJ to play the selected song. Even when I knew which song was going to be played, it still didn’t stop my reaction to it. The all too familiar chords would always make my heart beat faster and transport me back in time.

Do you hear me, I'm talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky oh my, baby I'm trying

And just like every time I hear it, I ask myself when will I stop reacting to it, it’s just a song…
“Dance with me.” I was startled to hear him whisper in my ear while his hand grasped mine. He was trying to move me to the dance floor.

Boy, I hear you in my dreams
I hear your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

“No!” I was trying my hardest not to move. God, not this song!
“You don’t want people see you rejecting me, and Marissa is looking at you!” Frustrated, I let him lead me to the dance floor. It’s just a song.

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
oooh, oooh, oooh

It’s just a song. It’ll end soon enough, it’s actually a short one.
“Will you look at me instead of over my shoulder?”
I looked into his eyes with what I hoped passed as a bored look. “Happy?”
“When you see me after everyone leaves this place, just the two of us, I’ll be more than happy.”
“No”
“For God’s sake Anna, I just want to talk with you!”
“But I don’t. This has to stop Howie. Please, por el amor de Dios, ya basta!”

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I wait for you I promise you, I will

“I won’t stop Anna, not until we set all this straight”
“There’s no need for that! It’s too late for that!”
“Oh no! I’m not stepping back.”
“This time, I need you to disappear from my life, and not come back!”

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
L ucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

“The first time I purposely stepped back from you was that night at the beach condo for your birthday. It was just the two of us, like you wanted your night to be. You were wearing a white dress and a lot of bangles in your arms. Your hair was so long, almost reaching your waist. I told you how you looked like a gypsy, and you started dancing like one. But you took my hands and you made me dance with you…”
“And we danced, and after those 3 days together, you went on tour and met your wife. Meaning that was the beginning of the end for us.”

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music, fell the air
I put a flower in your hair

“And that was my fault. Because dancing with you, having you in my arms, all I could think about was how much I wanted to kiss you. And when you put your arms around my neck and rested your head on my shoulder, I wanted to taste you even more.”
“Howie stop…”
“No Anna, I listened to you, now you listen to me.”
“Ok well, why didn’t you do it?”
“Because I was scared, I kept thinking how I was too drunk, how I couldn’t just kiss my best friend out of the blue without any indication she wanted the same thing...”
“For God’s sake Howie, me insisting on spending my birthday with you and no one else wasn’t enough indication that I wanted you? I wanted you to do something! I didn’t seduce you, but I was trying to make you see me and no one else. And just like always Howie, you thought about you, but not about me! I was so damn shy and self conscious, and you knew that. Why didn’t you at least try?”
“I was planning it, after the tour I was going to tell you my feelings for you had changed. But then I met Leigh, and I took it as a sign…”
“A sign I wasn’t the one for you? That’s just… I don’t even have words for that!

And though the breeze is through the trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
Let the world keep spinning round
You hold me right here right now

“Howie, did you ever… Did you ever want me as a woman? Not like that night, did you ever felt any desire for me, or imagined us living together, being together in the future? Did you ever truly felt for me, what you felt for Leigh when you decided to marry her?”
“I felt for you more than you imagine.”
“But clearly it wasn’t enough, or you would have acted on those feeling. I had no idea what to do with mine, so I did the next best thing, I clung to you. I could see nothing else but you, that’s why I stayed by your side until the most painful moment, the day you were marrying someone else. I fucking loved you with everything I had Howie, until I had nothing left even to love myself. And now it just angers me that you never noticed. I gave, you took, and gave me nothing back! And now once again, you see me out of the blue and you come to me like nothing happened. Will I ever stop being the second option?”

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again

“Anna, Will you let me tell you I love you? Why can’t you forget everything that happened and give me a second chance? You know what, don’t answer me, I’ll find out!”
With that said he kissed me. Just like that, and as much as I tried to break away, he just held me tighter. Until the weak side of me won the battle, the side that’s thinking this will be the last time I see him so I might as well have a taste of what I always wanted.
But it’s not enough.

As I slowly pushed him back, I lowered my head and tried to release my hands from his.
“You still don’t know how to lie, Anna! You love me!”
Bastard!
“You’re right. That’s how you know I’m not lying when I say this doesn’t change anything.”
I turned away from him and all the stares before he had a chance to say anything.

Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooooh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Are you happy now Anna? All night you’ve been faking to be the strongest, when all you are is even weaker than before! You had you kiss, but at what cost? He’ll never be yours!
He’ll never be mine.

“I knew it! All this time he doesn’t give you one thought, and now that he saw you, you’re everything? And the worst part is you actually fall for it! I hate that I wasn’t the one to come across him! I hate his fucking guts! I hate…”
Se goes on and on listing the Many Reasons Why Rachel Hates Howie Dorough.
“Rachel! I know all he is, or at least all he is to you.”
“And I’m just as mad at you Anna! Why do you let him do this to you? It drives me insane that you still see him as a knight in shining armor when he’s a jerk! He just wants a piece of you. Don’t you see him for what he truly is?”
“I see him now, but last night I still had the blinds in front of my eyes. I wish I still had them…” Isn’t it true when people say something like what you don’t know won’t hurt you…
“Wait! You met with him? You actually saw him like He told you to?”
“Yes”
“Anna! Why? Why in God’s name would you give him that satisfaction? Why…”
“Because, I saw it as my own satisfaction!” I still remember the moment when that thought entered my mind. I still can’t believe it did.
“What do you mean?” I was just as confused.
“I… Rachel, I wanted him! After that kiss, I wanted more. After 7 years waiting, wondering, wanting, I decided to take it!”
“But, Anna! He’s married…”
“I know that! Better than anyone else. But I got tired of thinking about others! I just stopped caring about what he might think of me, or anyone else. And if Leigh found out, I’d be very happy to tell her how her husband went looking for me after all the trouble she went thru to get me out of the picture!”
“Anna, things don’t work that way…”
“Ha! Why not! That’s how it works for everyone else! Everyone who’s not me… I just snapped, Rachel. Suddenly, my thoughts changed and it was like I wasn’t myself. It’s not like I went crazy or anything, but one minute I’m telling myself I’m not gonna let him win me, and the next I’m thinking how I’m gonna win him! And I… I felt powerful, in control of everything. I decided to show him how I’d changed in a different way. So I set out to seduce him.”
“But it didn’t work.”
“No, it didn’t” And how I thought it would shows how pitiful I was.
“What happened?”
“I knew he’d wait for everyone to leave…”

Standing in the doorway of the mansion, I knew my night was far from over. I should be feeling excited that I pulled off this wedding, my most important client was extremely satisfied with my work. I should be thinking ahead of time for ideas on the more-than-prospect client I got tonight.
Instead, all I could think about was the person I knew was inside.
In the past hour, I came up with a counter attack for whatever Howie’s planning to do. I know he’s been planning an approach, how to get to ‘listen’ to him, how he’s going to corner me again. He’s probably in one of the second floor rooms with a terrace, or maybe by the pool, but he’s somewhere looking at the moon. Too bad the house is not his, otherwise there would be a nice Bolero playing, so we could ‘recreate’ the famous night.
I just know him too well.
After setting the mood he’ll start talking, complementing everything from my eyes to the sound of my voice, elevating me to the clouds. Then the smooth caresses will begin. From the almost imperceptible way his fingers delicately stroke my hand to the more subtle of his hand caressing my neck. By then I’ll have moved close to his body, if my hands aren’t around his neck, they’ll be around his waist pulling him closer to me. After that is just a simple game of words and touches for us to be kissing passionately.
I still remember all the times I witnessed the play, wishing the subject of his attraction was me. I can’t believe that willingly, I’ll be falling for it tonight.
No Anna! You won’t be falling for it, you’re just gonna let him think you are. Tonight you’ll be ‘seduced into having sex with Howie’!
Let’s celebrate that Leigh’s most prized possession is begging for you, not her! If only she could see you now!
And when do I start calling myself a whore? Because, even in my mind I’m starting to sound and feel like one! This needs to stop now!
“Anna? “ I was surprised to hear his voice behind me. Wasn’t he supposed to be waiting for me?
“I really need to talk with you.” Just like that? Maybe he’s lost his touch.
Change in approach and venue, but I can adjust as well. Oh Howie!, you have no idea what’s coming your way!

I turned around to find him closer to me than I expected. Even knowing he’s there, doesn’t stop my heart from beating faster. Even more, when he takes my hand.

“Let’s go by the pool. There’s so much I have to tell you.” He started pulling me but I held myself in place, making him turn in surprise. I will not let him control me, I’m in charge!

“I have a better idea.” With that I took his hand and led him towards the stairs. It’s now or never, before I lose the courage. “Let’s go upstairs, there’s a room you have to see!”

When I reach the door, I let him enter first, while looking at his profile. I see the smile widen at what he sees. “When I saw this room, I immediately thought of you.”

And I wasn’t lying. The room was very spacious with little furniture, the spotlight was saved for the floor to ceiling glass windows and the gleaming black piano it had. The other furniture it had was a love seat and a stereo system.

Howie went directly to the piano bench and started pressing keys to a mindless tune. I could tell he was thinking what to say to me, but he hadn’t noticed I was slowly cornering him. I just stood behind him until he stopped playing.

“Every time I hear music or see something music related, you come to my mind.” I put my hands in his shoulders letting them rest there. When he took one of them, I thought he would kiss it, but he didn’t.

“And whenever I see Orchids I think about you. Especially those Phalaenopsis you used to have in your house.”

“I don’t have them anymore.” I sat beside him with my back to the piano, so I could look directly at him.

“Why?”

“You don’t have to know”

“Because Leigh used them as her bouquet for the wedding?”

“So you actually still know me!” I told him with a smile while I was mortified inside at how stupid it sounded.

“I had no idea she was going to do that.”

“Yeah well, what was one more idea stolen from your fiancé’s best friend, right? It was my fault for telling her all about my dream wedding anyway.”

He looks intently at me, and because I want him to see me as someone strong, I hold his gaze.

“I missed you so damn much Anna! And you know what I’ve missed most about you?”

I shook my head and raised my eyebrows in a gesture of silent question.

“You always make me feel alive. I feel so great when you’re around me, no one makes me feel the way you do.”

I can’t let this opportunity pass, I’m tired of talking.

I slowly lifted my hand and touched his face, he smiled at the gesture. “I missed that as well.”

“You said you wanted me, Howie. How much?” I needed to know before I made a move.

“Unbearably. I still want to…” I put my fingers on his lips, silencing him.

“Kiss me” Please say yes! He just looked at me wide eyed.

“We have to talk…”

“No Howie, I said more than enough, you said what you could and now I want you. You already kissed me, so do it again!”

He took my face with his hands and touched my lips with his.

He was being sweet and gentle, but I wanted more. I pressed myself closer to him until I had one arm around his waist grasping his shirt and the other in his face again. I felt his tongue on my lips, and I simply parted mine with a sigh.

This was exactly what I’ve been waiting for!

The more the kiss deepened, the more I moved towards him. I felt one of his hands get tangled in my hair, then grab my neck and I felt like I was burning inside.

When we part, I place kisses in his mouth and neck while I start unbuttoning his shirt.

“Are you sure you want this?” In response, I unbuckled his belt.

“Are you?” With that, he kissed me with more hunger than before. His hands were grabbing my waist while mine were touching his smooth chest.

I was experiencing feelings I never had before. How could one tremble by just being touched? There was an anxiety I felt in my core I couldn’t describe. And when his hands touched my breasts through my dress, I had to push his mouth away from mine so I could breath.

He looked at me with so much desire that I felt invincible. Part of my mind knew that the woman swinging her legs in the bench and straddling Howie wasn’t me. It wasn’t me the one to grasp the hem of my dress and took it off. It wasn’t me the one pulling Howie’s shirt off with urgency.

“You’re so beautiful!” I could only sigh.

It really was me who felt alive!

He removed my strapless bra and I distantly heard the sound of the piano keys, until Howie found the top of the keyboard and I was suddenly reclining against it. He was kissing my neck and caressing my breasts and I wanted to scream.

I had to close my eyes to the sensations his mouth and hands were making me feel. The burning between my thighs was starting to be too much. The powerful part of me wanted to overwhelm him. I took one of his hands and guided it to my center. When he stoked me, I gasped. If I had known before it would feel like this…

My hand found his hardness and I moaned along with him. I needed so much more than this, but we continued pleasuring each other slowly. All the while I’m praying to God this moment never ends.

“God… I want you so much Leigh!”

My eyes flew open as I felt a coldness run through my body. Both parts of me stopped functioning.

He doesn’t want me, he still wants her…

No puede ser.
This can't be true!
¿Dios mío por qué a mi?

I couldn’t believe what was happening to me. All the euphoria I was feeling was gone. Replaced by a cold, hollow feeling inside of me. I'd stopped touching him as soon as I heard her name, but he never stopped touching me.

His eyes were still closed, I had to make sure I wasn't imagining things. When I grabbed him again, I stroked faster and his breath was more labored. I was kissing his neck when I started whispering in his ear if he wanted me stop. He only shook his head. "Tell me you want me"
"Yes!" he could only grunt.
"Yes what?"
"I want you" My hand was moving faster, but so was his and I couldn't control my body from reacting. I kept whispering "Say my name!" until he answered me.

And when my body reached a climax, I shuddered because I felt colder. I was doing my hardest no to let the tears fall.
I wasn't Anna at that moment, I was a replacement. Like always, the second best.

I pushed away from him and stood up. I looked around me, but I couldn't find the drink I was craving. I turned my back to him, saw my reflection in the windows and took a deep breath. There I was, in a glamorous room, confident enough to be wearing only panties, with the man of my dreams ready to have sex with me while thinking of his wife, and I felt sick at how worthless I saw myself.

The Plan backfired on me, and I refused to act like myself, because that never got me anywhere in the first place. So what was left? I had no idea what to do or who to be!

When I saw him approach me, I was ready for his embrace. His little kisses did nothing to me.

"You should get dressed." That put a stop to his kisses. "In fact, get dressed and get out of my life again Howie."

He forcefully turned me around and I controlled my tears. "What are you talking about? ¿Qué te pasa?"
"I'm not doing anything else with you so I'm asking you to leave. I got what I deserved!"
"We're not finished and I'm not gonna let you escape again!"
That got a laugh out of me. It only made my resolution stronger.
"Oh I escaped! Really! Did you take a look at yourself? You have me naked in front of you, and I'm just that, a naked woman, because you only see Leigh! You're about to have sex with a woman, and you call out her name! Her fucking name Howie!" I was enjoying the shock in his face! "Does that surprises you? Imagine me, the love of my life is about to make love to me and he's not even thinking about me! It wasn't her whispering to you, it was me! But now I get your problem, Por fin lo entiendo! She doesn't love you like you love her! All these years I've been holding on to you, wanting you to love me, and you have the same problem with her. Am I right?"
I was getting angrier by the minute, I had so much to say, such an intense urge to fight! And his silence was driving me insane.
"Answer me for God's sake! No te quedes callado! You wanted to talk, well now we're talking! It's my fault I wasted part of my life on you, but it's your fault entirely shutting me out of your life the way you did!"
"Then why didn't you ever tell me how you felt?"
"Because I valued our friendship more!"
"You assumed I wouldn't want you. Now you're blaming me for loving someone else! If you had said something, I'd be with you instead of her!"
"I'm not your fucking replacement!" I couldn't stop the tears any longer, but I wasn't ashamed of the angry tears falling from my eyes. We were screaming at each other, but I wanted to hit him. So I turned and started gathering my clothes. Part of me was glad he started to do the same.

"You said you felt something for me, I really don’t understand the way you love Howie. But like I said, it’s my bad for falling for you, but you had no right to treat me like nothing! I didn’t deserve that!”
“And I don’t know how to make you understand that it wasn’t my fault that you kept quiet!”
Somehow, that insignificant comment made me snap. “You should have defended me!” I just started hitting him wherever I could until while he was trying to take a hold of my arms.
“Whenever she said something, when I couldn’t reach you, when she talked about me! Suéltame! Let me go!”

I looked at him while trying to get my breath back. I couldn’t believe I made scratches in his face.

“God I’m so disgusted at myself for holding on to you all this time, for nothing! Our friendship was over the minute you met her and I couldn’t accept it. I’m tired of this Howie, I have to move on and you have to let go of me.”

“¿Estás segura? You better be sure you want me gone Anna, because now I’m telling you, If this is the way you want it, you’ll stop existing for me!”
What was one more slap in the face? God, why did I never see this side of him? Rachel was so right about him? I felt naked in that instance because I didn’t recognize the man in front of me.
“So many moments I felt like a pathetic fool for not feeling worthy enough, and you were the pathetic one all along. Yes Howie, you were already out of my life so just don’t look for me.”
“Fine! You asked, I’ll do as you say, but don’t regret it later.”
“Oh, believe me, I won’t. Because now I have the satisfaction of knowing you’re living the same hell I lived, but actually, your hell is worse than mine, she’s your wife and she doesn’t even want to be that anymore! Good luck with that! I wish you many years of ‘blissfully perfect marriage’! Close the door as you leave Howie, not just the one made of wood.”

I’ll never forget my last image of Howie, rage in his eyes, red marks in his face, unbuttoned shirt and shoes in hand. When he simply turned around, I breathed again.

I had no idea I’d gotten so used to it until now that it was gone; I’d finally conquered the oppressing force that had been holding me down for so long.