“I’m sorry, Ms. Raine…18 months at the most is what he has, without a stem cell transplant that is, I’m so sorry there isn’t better news, we’ve exhausted all other options.”

I looked down at my sleeping angel.  He had been through so much.  For a year we had been fighting this damn disease.  Leukemia.  Only 7 years old.  God, I wish I could trade places with him, I’d do it in a heartbeat.  Even through it all, he still looked like an angel.  His blond hair had grown back after the last round of chemo, his blue eyes, the color of the ocean – still sparkled.  Nothing could kill this kid’s spirit.  “Just like your dad,” I whispered.  He began to stir.

“Hi mommy,” he smiled as he looked up at me.

“Hey, pook,” I said, as I leaned down to kiss him on the forehead.  “How you feeling?”

“Tired, do I get to go home today?” he asked me, looking up with those big, blue eyes that melted my heart.

“I think Dr. Glassman is going to let you go home tomorrow, but you’re going to have to listen to what he tells you okay?  No going out to the park, or anywhere for awhile because you know that you can get really, really sick, right?”  We had been through this so many times.  My adorable, rambunctious, 100% wild and crazy little boy had to grow up so fast over the last year.  He knew medical terms most grown adults wouldn’t have a clue about.

“Is Aunt Lila coming to see me today?” he asked as he began to sit up.

“Did I hear my name?” my best friend breezed into the room.  “Hey, big man” she said sitting down on the bed giving Jackson a huge hug.  “How’s things these days?”.

“I get to go home tomorrow,” he said and Lila looked at me.  I motioned towards the door with a nod of my head.

“Jack Attack, I need to talk to Aunt Lila outside, okay? You can play Wii!” he smiled and turned towards his game.

I walked outside and leaned up against the wall outside his room.  I’d held it together the entire time I was in there, not wanting my adorable little boy to see me upset.  But once I was outside, I let my emotions take over.  Tears streamed down my face as I silently tried to put into words what I had just been told.

“Not good news, I’m assuming,” Lisa said softly.

“No, Li…not at all, nothing has worked – they only expect any treatments to be effective for 18 months at the most.  No cure – unless there’s a bone marrow transplant,” I softly sobbed.

“So what does that mean? Can’t you do that?” She asked.  Lila was a take-charge kind of girl.  My best friend since we were teenagers growing up on the Jersey shore.  Nothing stopped her.  Looking at her, you’d never know she worked for one of the top Public Relations firms in New York City.  She’d come here straight from the gym, her long blond hair pulled back in a pony tail.  Without any makeup, she still had that natural Noxema girl look.  She pulled me into a hug.

“They’ve looked all over the country for a donor, he’s in every registry imaginable – no one’s a match, not even me…” I cried.  “I don’t know what to do…”

“What about….,” she looked at me.  I shook my head.

“Doctor said it’s not very likely that his biological father would be a match, our only  hope at this point would be a biological sibling, something Jackson doesn’t have…” I put my head in my hands as I sunk to the floor.  Lila sat down next to me and grabbed my hands. 

“This is not the Whitney Raine I know,” she said looking me in the eye.  “The Whit I know would already be figuring out what to do.  You know what to do!” She said firmly.

“What?  What can I do?” I asked trying to figure out where she was going with this.

“Give him a biological sibling,” she said simply.

“Li…you’re crazy, how? What?  Are you kidding?” I stammered.  “You know he doesn’t even know about Jackson.  We haven’t seen each other in seven years, how is that even possible? What should I do – just call him up? Say, hey – I need to borrow your sperm?  Oh, and by the way, meet your son….” 

She put her hands on her hips and looked at me.  “Has there ever been a challenge you haven’t met head on?  I’m talking to Whitney Raine here.  World renowned fashion designer!  You worked your way through Parson’s School of Design from nothing.  You are one of the most sought after designers right now.  You did it all yourself.  You’ve raised an amazing little boy. Is it really so hard to believe that you could figure out a way to do this. What’s the alternative?”

There wasn’t one.  A plan started to form.  I realized maybe Lila’s idea wasn’t as crazy as it sounded.  If the stars aligned correctly, that is.  If I could pull this off there was nothing I wouldn’t be able to do.  My heart started beating quicker just thinking about it.  About him.  So much had been left unsaid.  Such a huge divide.  He’d called several times over the years.  But I’d never taken the calls.  We’d had a couple of close calls as well, at different events, however I’d always managed to avoid him. I’d run into some of the other boys from time to time and always heard the same thing.  “He still talks about you, Whit…”, “You were the best thing that ever happened to him,” and my favorite “He still loves you…”.  Yeah, right.  Did they realize the depth of his deception?  What he had done to me? To us?  To our son?  The tears had started again.  I walked back into Jackson’s room.  Lila had left to go home. He had fallen back asleep. 

I listened to the steady beep of the monitors and sat down next to him and watched him breathe softly.  I thought of all the nights that I would walk into his room and silently watch him sleep.  He was so innocent.  He had no idea what I had gone through for him and I wanted it to remain that way.  As the sun started to go down, and the room began to grow dark, I leaned back on the small couch and shut my eyes and let myself remember the simpler days, the days that brought Jackson into my life…

Eight Years Ago

It was the last day of classes our junior year at Parson’s The New School of Design, one of the most renowned fashion design programs in the world.  We all sat in the last class, of the last day and waited for our no-nonsense professor to pass out our summer internship assignments.  I had worked so hard this year.  I knew the internship at Versace was in the bag.  Paris, Milan, Rome – here I come!  One of my closest friends in the program sat next to me eagerly awaiting her assignment as well. 

“God, I hope I can stay right here in NYC this summer and work for Vera Wang,” Tiffany clutched her hands to her chest.  “I want to design wedding dresses for her some day, what an amazing opportunity”.

“Class, is everyone ready?” Professor Marin spoke in her thick, French accent.  “I know you all have been waiting for your assignments.  You have one week to get to your destination, all of your arrangements are included in your packets.  I want each one of you to know that I have thought about these assignments thoroughly and I have my reasons for each one.  You may read through it, and think I don’t know you as a designer, but that is quite the opposite.  I am challenging you as designers and I want you to step outside of your comfort zone.  It will take you a long time in your career to get where you want to, or think you need to be.  And, now…”

She began passing out packets and murmurs and excited whispers began to spread throughout the room, “Chanel…”, “Tommy Hilfieger…” I saw people start hugging each other and jumping up and down. 

Tiffany was handed her packet, “Alexander McQueen!!” she screamed.  “I’m going to London!  We’ll see each other over the summer!!” she grabbed me in a bear hug.

Professor Marin stopped in front of me with my packet.  “Ms. Raine,” she said looking at me sternly.  “Remember, I had my reasons.  You were one of the most difficult to place because of your style range.  Like I said, I wanted to challenge you.  I think I hit the nail, right on the head,” she placed the envelope on the desk and walked briskly away.

I ripped open the packet and began to read.  I gasped.  Hot tears stung my eyes.  I could barely breathe.  Three years, and this is what I get?  All the voices in the room began to fade away.  My knees started to buckle and I sat down on the stool in front of my design table.

“Come on, Whit! Did you get Versace?  Are we going to be Euro-girls this summer!  Don’t leave me hanging…” She said excitedly, still clutching her envelope to her chest.

I looked up at her and with barely a whisper told her, “I’m going on tour with…the Backstreet Boys?”.How that was even an internship?  I began to read more.  I was to report to Los Angeles where I would participate in final costume design and fittings for their summer tour.  I would then travel on the road with them for the summer and be responsible for alterations, re-design, show fittings and on and on.  This was crazy.  This was not what I had worked three years for.  I was a serious designer.  Who was Professor Marin kidding?

“Wow!!  I would trade you in a second,” Tiffany said.  “You’re going to have a blast!”

“Tiff, are you kidding?  Is this even a serious assignment? I wanted to design, I wanted to immerse myself in these houses of fashion…not, ride around on a bus for the summer!!” I stammered.  God, I could sound really pretentious when I wanted to.

What value did any of this have in my career?  I had no idea.  The thought of just bagging the whole thing went through my head.  But then I would be throwing it all away.  I was stuck.  I just had to suck it up and gut it out this summer.  Who knew what this would do to my career. 

“I thought Professor Marin liked me,” I said to Tiffany choking back tears “Guess the truth comes out, huh?”

“Well, she did say that she had her reasons, maybe you should just trust her – it’s only three and half months, Whit…it’s not like it’s the rest of your life! ..and besides,  have you seen a Backstreet Boys video lately?  Um, at least you’ll have hot men to look at!” she laughed.

“Yeah, probably narcissistic, ego-maniacal assholes…can’t wait,” I replied sarcastically.  “Well, better get back to the dorm and start packing.  This should be interesting.”

…and that was that.  A week later, I took a cab to JFK Airport and checked in with two suitcases (which comprised my entire life) for my flight to Los Angeles.  I boarded the plane, took my seat and looked out the window as the plane began its taxi down the runway, I watched as the New York skyline grew smaller and smaller and couldn’t be sure if I was running from or running to something.  The last several years had been hard.  I had never known my father, and when I was 17, my mother had been killed in a car accident.  No aunts, no uncles, no grandparents.  No family.  Thank God for scholarships.  I had been moving at full speed for the last 3 years in school, with no one but my best friend from high school, Lila to lean on.

Three and half months until school started back up.   I had spent some time perusing the internet and reading about the Backstreet Boys.  Sure, I knew some of their songs, but I wouldn’t have called myself a fan.  It seemed a few of them led a pretty interesting life, to put it mildly.  Two of them were married.  The other three, well let’s just say it sounded like they liked to have a good time.  What did it really matter?  I was there to do a job.  Nothing much could happen in three months, right?

As I stepped off the plane the hot and humid LA air hit me full force.  I looked around and took in my surroundings.  “We are definitely not in Kansas anymore, Dorothy” I said under my breath.  I started walking towards baggage claim.  Blonde bimbo, after blonde bimbo walked by me. “What in the hell is the purpose of wearing Ugg boots with shorts?” I thought to myself.  I ran my hand through my long, auburn hair and pulled it up into a loose ponytail, my neck already sweaty from the heat.  Well, at least I’ll be in the minority here – my hair color wasn’t going to change.   I was glad I had thought ahead and was wearing a short maxi dress with a pair of flat sandals – so the heat didn’t bother me.

As I entered the baggage claim area, I saw a throng of men with cameras chasing after someone.  I was just about stampeded by 100 screaming girls.  I craned my neck to see over the crowd and the guy in front turned around.  “A couple of boy banders…” he said to me as he walked away.  “Nothing new…”.  So this is what I had to look forward to, I thought to myself.

I grabbed my bag and walked out to find a car to take me to the hotel I was staying in.  Before I could get outside, I walked by a gentleman holding a sign that had my name on it.  Apparently I didn’t need a taxi.

I got in the car and as we drove off I began to take in the sights.  As we entered into downtown LA, the driver began pointing out various landmarks.  The contrast between New York City and LA was astounding.  

He pulled up the driveway to the hotel and got my bags out for me.  I gave him a tip and headed inside to the registration desk.  There were TONS of people hanging out in the lobby.  Someone important must be staying here, I thought to myself.  I went up to the registration desk and checked in.  I was given my room key, and informed that I had a roommate.  This should be interesting. 

I was exhausted from my flight and all I wanted to do was crawl in bed.  Even though it was only 8:00 p.m. L A time, I was still functioning as an East Coaster.  I walked in the room and flopped down on the bed as I heard someone come out of the bathroom and I looked up to see a tall, leggy brunette with an outstretched hand. 

“I’m Kassie,” she said as I shook her hand.  “It’s nice to meet you.”  I said.

She was tall, very sophisticated looking with bright, green eyes.  I knew instantly that we were going to get along.  “This is my second year on the tour, how did you get in?” she asked.

I explained to her about my internship and how I had been hoping to go to Europe.  “Well, this is definitely an adventure.  We’re a pretty fun team.  Just watch out for Ms. Helga.  She heads up the team and she tries to keep us all on the straight and narrow…” she laughed.  “They’ll explain more to you tomorrow, but basically from what I understand you will get to consult on some of the design of the boys clothes.  Sometimes we help them out for outside appearances and stuff.  Then when tour starts next week, each one of us will be assigned one guy to assist with costume changes during the show.  Last year, I had Kevin – he’s kind of boring.  I’m calling AJ this year!” She laughed.  “Anyway, we can talk more about that later, let’s go out and party…” she said excitedly.

“Actually, I was going to go to bed, I’m beat and to be honest I’m really not that much of a partier…” I said as I began to unpack. 

“Let me explain something to you, Whitney,” she said as she began going through her suitcase.  “As of tomorrow, life as you know it for the next couple of months will be over.  Tonight is your last hurrah. Let me take you out and show you the fun side of LA. We’ll head over to Avalon, I know the doorman and if the right person is working tonight I can get us into Bardot, the VIP lounge on the 2nd floor.  You won’t even need an ID…”.  She pulled out a silver, shimmery, tube dress and handed it over to me.  “Wear this,” she said, “and if you have a pair of sexy, black sandals put those on.  You never know who you’ll run into in the VIP lounge.”  Kassie didn’t seem like someone I should argue with, and I really didn’t want to start out on the wrong foot with her anyway.  I took a quick shower and when I got out, I could tell she was anxious to go.  It took me about 30 minutes – the last 5 with Kassie ‘enhancing’ my makeup.  I’d never worn that much makeup in my life, but I had to admit, I felt pretty sexy. 

We headed downstairs and as I stepped out of the elevator, I again saw the huge crowds.  “This place is pretty crowded for a hotel,” I said to Kassie.

“The boys are staying here, these are all the groupies waiting down in the lobby for any sight of them, the only ones they may remotely have a chance with would be AJ or Nick and maybe Howie, but he’s pretty discreet.  A couple of days before the tour starts, they bring in everyone to the same  hotel – roadies, management, hair and makeup people, wardrobe, and the guys…”.  I nodded.  That explained it.  “Tomorrow or Friday, we’ll have a huge production meeting. The guys kick off the tour Saturday night at the Staples Center and then right after that – on the buses we go…” she explained.

We pulled up to the club and got out of the cab about a half a block away.  As we walked up there were throngs of people and a huge line.  Kassie grabbed my hand and we snaked around the people on the outside of the line.  We made it up to the front amidst some elbows and protests.  “Hi Jason…” Kassie said very sweetly to the tall, bald guy standing at the podium. 

His eyes lit up. “Hey girl!  What are you doing back in LA?” He said, obviously excited to see her.

“Doing the BSB tour again this summer.  Tell me you’re going to make my dreams come true and let me inside.  It’s our last night of freedom!”  He laughed at her and motioned his head towards the door.  “I’ll let Marco know you’re cleared for VIP,” he said as he spoke into a microphone on his wrist.  Membership apparently had its privileges around here.

As I stepped inside, the loud electric beat of one of the latest dance songs began pounding in my ears.  We headed over to a corner I’m assuming so Kassie could assess the situation.  “Nothing’s happening down here,” she said as she began making her way to a staircase in the back corner.  I’m assuming the man in the suit standing there was Marco.  He unhooked the red velvet rope and let us thru and we made our way up the dark stairs.

As we got to the top of the stairs, the quiet startled me.  You could see the dance floor below, but you could barely hear it.  It was actually so quiet up here, I felt like I needed to whisper.

Kassie motioned over an area of white leather couches.  “Look what’s over there – AJ and Nick, holding court,” she laughed.  They were surrounded by at least 8 blondes.  AJ had a girl sitting on his lap with the biggest breasts I had ever seen.  She giggled as he moved his hand up between her legs and flipped her hand over her shoulder.    

“That’s fabulous,” I muttered to Kassie rolling my eyes.  She looked over her shoulder at me and laughed. 

“Get used to it, they’re complete man-whores,” she said as she made her way over in that direction.

“They kind of look like they’re busy,” I whispered as we walked over to the bar.  Kassie stopped just short of their area and leaned against the bar.

“There really is no place like LA,” Kassie said.  She glanced over towards the guys, and caught AJ’s eye.”

“Kassie, baby,” he shouted over here.  Kassie led me over to their small roped off area.  AJ sat up, basically dumping bimbo on the floor.  “Sorry honey,’ said to her as he stood to give Kassie a hug.

“I’d heard you were on the tour again this summer.  It’s going to be a blast,” he laughed as he gave her a high five.  I was getting the feeling that there was something more going on between these two. 

“Hey, let me introduce you to Whitney,” she said pushing me in front of her.   “She’ll be working with us in wardrobe…”.  AJ offered his hand, and as he grasped it he enclosed his other hand over mine.

“Always nice to have another beautiful lady on the tour,” he said with a genuine smile on his face.  His eyes twinkled.  I felt a real kindness emulate off of him and I began to relax a little.

“Well, Whitney – since you’ll be joining us I guess you need to meet ‘shit for brains’ here,” he said as he turned around towards Nick, who happened to have his tongue stuck down one of the silicone enhanced Barbie dolls.  AJ kicked him, “Nizzle…come up for air…”

“What the fuck, AJ…” Nick said as he looked up clearly annoyed.  When he saw Kassie his eyes lit up.  “Claaaaaassy Kassie,” he said as he stood.  Another bimbo almost on the floor, I smirked.

“What’s up Nicky?” she said pulling him into a friendly hug.  “We were just out enjoying the last night of freedom,” she smiled.  Both of them nodded in agreement. 

“Yeah, Kevin’s already called both of use six times at least – I finally turned my phone off,” AJ laughed.  “He’s just jealous we don’t have a ball and chain.” AJ looked over at Nick. “Nick, this is Whitney…please don’t’ scare her off for at least a month,” he kidded him.  My eyes met Nick’s and held for a moment.  I had never seen eyes that color before.  I had blue eyes, but his – they were the most intense blue I had ever seen in my life.  I embarrassingly looked down as I reached up and twirled a lock of hair around my finger.  I did that when I get nervous. 

“So, Whitney…a little birdie told me that you’ll probably be my wardrobe manager.  You get to take my pants off…” he smirked as he puffed up his chest and gyrated his hips.

“Gee, must be my lucky day…” I said sarcastically as I rolled my eyes.  AJ laughed.  Nick seemed to get a little quiet.

“I think she’s going to fit in just fine,” AJ said as he signaled the bartender to put our drinks on  his tab.  “Kassie, just wait until her first movie night…” he winked at her.  Kassie smiled.  She gave me a look that told me she’d tell me later. We talked with them for another 30 minutes or so, AJ mostly talking about the cruise.  A couple of times, I caught Nick staring at me and I looked away.  I didn’t need him thinking his wardrobe girl was crushing on him.  I had a sneaking suspicion once the tour started, I wouldn’t be seeing much of him anyway.

After another 30 minutes or so of the boys being constantly interrupted, Kassie and I got up to leave.  Nick had gotten really quiet, and AJ was making fun of him.  “I’m going to have to carry lightweight here back to the hotel, you girls want to ride in the limo?” he asked.

“As if you even need to ask,” Kassie said. As we made our way downstairs.  The limo had pulled up in the back, so the guys wouldn’t have to deal with the fans.  We got in the car to head back and Kassie sat on AJ’s lap.  There was still plenty of room, so I wasn’t sure what that was about.  Nick sat slumped over in the corner.  It almost looked like he was pouting.

AJ began to nuzzle Kassie’s neck as she giggled.  She looked over at me and winked.  “I kind of forgot to tell you that AJ and I are friends with benefits.” It all made sense now.

“Why don’t I have a friend with benefits….” Nick pouted.  AJ patted him on the head and laughed.

“Nizzle, you’re not lacking in that department either, just wait until next week…” he laughed.  “You coming back to my room tonight, baby?” AJ asked Kassie. 

"Mmmmmm, maybe for a little while – I”ll give Whitney a chance to get to sleep,” she said as we pulled up to the hotel.  As we got out of the limo, it was mobbed with at least 40 girls.  Apparently the guys security had been alerted that they were returning because they were able to hold them back to at least let them get out of the car and make their way into the hotel.  It was madness even at  2:00 a.m. in the morning.  Insanity.

We made our way into the elevators relatively unscathed.  Well, Nick almost lost his shirt.  AJ pushed the button for his floor as he slid his hands around Kassie’s waist.  “We’re off on seven,” he said as the doors opened.  “You kids have a good night…make sure you’re at rehearsal by 11:00 a.m. or Kevin will have a coronary,” he said to  Nick as the elevator doors closed. 

Nick had pushed floor 18, but when the door opened on my floor he followed me out of it and down the hall. “Hey Whitney,” he said slightly slurring his speech.  “Why don’t you like me?” I turned around puzzled.  He leaned up against the wall.  He was shitfaced, I finally figured out.  I guess I hadn’t realized it when we were around everyone else.

“What gave you that impression?” I said as I got to my door and began to take my key out.

“Well, you’re not like…you know, trying to go back to my room with me…and, I was kind of hinting about it earlier.  Most girls would have jumped in my lap right then…” If it wasn’t so sad, it would actually have been kind of cute.  He really didn’t get it. 

“Nick,” I said softly.  I chose my words carefully.  It wouldn’t really be a good thing to piss off one of the big guns before this ridiculous thing even started.  “I hardly know you.  I’m here to do a job this summer, and really if you’re looking for another notch on your bedpost, I’m not your girl…” I looked down.

He looked at me with a goofy smile and made a low whistle..  “Craaash and burn,” he laughed.  “Well, alright then…I’m going to go upstairs and go to bed…” he reached out for my hand and pulled me into a hug.  I let myself fall into his arms.  He smelled like laundry detergent and AXE  I felt butterflies in my stomach.  Don’t, don’t don’t I told myself, don't get sucked in.  He’s a man-whore.  He kissed me on the cheek.  I felt a blush go up my face.  He looked at me with a smoldering look in his eye and before he walked away said, “I think we’re going to have a great time this summer…” I slid the key in the door, went inside and leaned up against the wall.  This was going to be a long, hot summer.

When Kassie said that the evening before was our last hurrah, she wasn’t kidding.  After a 7:00 a.m. wake up call, both of us pulled ourselves together and headed downstairs where a bus picked us up and took us to the rehearsal facility.  I was mesmerized by the flurry of activity.  When you see a concert sitting in the venue, you have no idea of the production that goes into it.  Behind the scenes was a different story.  The roadie’s and sound guys were working on the stage area, the makeup and hair people were having a meeting, the sound guys were going over the set list, the catering people reviewing menus.  Kassie led me to the back corner of a large room.  There were several racks of clothing and a couple tables laid out with several outfits laid across them.

I saw a very stern looking older woman looking over some drawings.  I assumed this to be the dreaded Ms. Helga so I walked over to introduce myself.  “You must be Whitney,” she said glancing over her dark, horn-rimmed glasses to give me a once over.

“I am,” I said extending my hand to her.  She had a very firm handshake. 

“It’s nice to meet you, we’re so glad you’re here,” she said in a thick German accent.  “Mariana Marin and I go very far back, farther than I would care to admit,” she laughed.  As stern as she seemed, I sensed that we would get along fine.  “Here are the costumes for the show,” she said motioning to a several racks of clothing.  “The drawings are over there, take a look and see what you think,” she smiled.  “Mariana said you had a flair for the dramatic…” she said waving her hand in the air. 

I went over and began looking at the designs and comparing them to the drawings.  For the most part, they were extremely well-designed, however, they were exactly alike.  They didn’t account for any of their individual personalities.  Ms. Helga walked over and was standing behind me as I examined everything.  “These are great, but I think they need some embellishment…we need to bring out the guys individual personalities, but still stay cohesive…” I said.

She nodded.  “I was hoping that was exactly what you would say!  Think you can accomplish that by around 4:00 p.m. tomorrow?  We’re doing two dress rehearsals - full run through’s tomorrow night.  Final costumes need to be designed by then”. 

“It looks like there are four costume changes, so 20 costumes.  If you can give me 2 hours to draw, I can get moving.  I’m going to have to have some help with the sewing though.” I said.  I was hoping I wasn’t being over ambitious.  If I didn’t pull this off it would be a disaster.

“I’m in,” said Kassie coming up behind me.  She introduced me to two other girls on the team who nodded in agreement.

Ms. Helga motioned over to a man who was observing the sound crew.  “Jared, this is Whitney, the intern I was telling you about.  She’s got some ideas for how to enhance the wardrobe.  I want her to meet with each of the boys to get an idea about their individual personalities. Do they have time right now?” she asked.  I didn’t feel the need to mention that I had met Nick and A.J. the night before.   I didn’t want her to think that I was just there to party.  Jared spoke into a walkie talkie and within 5 minutes, the boys had arrived in our area.

A.J. and Nick had the sense to act like we hadn’t met before.  I was quickly introduced to Howie, Kevin and Brian.  I took out the outfits one by one and went over them with them.  The first were casual outfits, the next suits, followed by black jeans with black leather jackets, and ending up for the grand finale in Orlando Magic basketball jersey’s and jeans.

“I don’t think the grand finale outfits are going to require too many changes,” I said as I looked everything over.  “That can be accomplished more with accessories,” I said. 

“We’ve been trying to do this for years,” Kevin said as Brian nodded.

“It’s not really rocket science…” I laughed.  “It’s obvious you have very different personalities and I’ve only known you all a few minutes.  A.J. you’re obviously the bad boy of the group,” I winked at him.  “You need something edgy and rock and roll.  Kevin, I’m getting a preppy vibe off of you,” I said as Nick and Brian snickered.  Kevin looked annoyed, at them – not at me.  “Howie, you’re the classy one, right?” I said as he beamed.  “Brian, definitely the jock – athletic, right?” A.J. and Kevin nodded.  “…and finally, Nick – hmmmm,” I said scratching my chin as I grinned at him.  He winked at me and gave me a huge grin.  “You are a bit of an anamoly…” I smiled.

“Don’t scare him with those big words,” Brian laughed. 

“Okay, okay…” I said.  “In all seriousness, I’m sensing some sort of hip-hoppy, athletic thing going on here.  Don’t worry, I got you!” I shyly smiled at him as I patted him on the shoulder.  Just touching him, my heart started to race.

The guys continued kidding around with each other until Jared came over and ushered them back to rehearsal.  Nick looked at me as he walked away and blew me a kiss. “Don’t let me down, Whitney…” he flashed that killer grin.  “Come on, Romeo…” A.J. said as he pulled him away.  I turned around and took a deep breath, my cheeks blushing.  Time for business I thought to myself. 

I found a quiet corner and began to sketch.  Sketching designs was cathartic for me.  The initial designs were already completed, so I was just adding embellishing.  A few hours later, I put the finishing touches on them and brought them over to Helga.  She looked over them for a few minutes.  I heard a couple of “hmmms…” saw a couple head nods, and then she looked over her glasses at me.  “Very nice, my dear, very nice,” she smiled in approval.  I let out a huge sigh.  “We can have a driver run you and a couple of girls downtown, there’s an account at the fabric store, buy what you need.”  She wrote down a number that almost caused my eyes to pop out of my head.  Apparently money wasn’t an issue around here.

“I need to make some style changes, as well, but I think most of that stuff can come right out of their own closets.” I explained.  I grabbed Kassie and two other girls and we were on our way.  When I was on a mission, it didn’t take me long to do what I needed to do.  We made it downtown in about 30 minutes.  In 45 minutes I spent  over $3,000 and we were on our way back.  After we got back to the rehearsal facility I spread everyone out with the designs and we got to work.  By this point, it was around 1:00 p.m.  The music from the guys rehearsing provided a calm backdrop.  I was surprised that I recognized most of the songs.  Guess I was more of a fan than I thought.

Around 7:00 p.m., the place had all but cleared out.  Ms. Helga had tried to encourage me to leave, but I had shrugged her off. I was able to concentrate better without anyone around.  I worked intensely over the next several hours, completely losing track of time.  My fingers were almost numb, my eyes were almost crossed, but with the exception of a few odds and ends – it was done.  I was so proud of myself.  I had actually altered the looks rather dramatically.  I had taken a leather jacket of A.J.’s and completely distressed the fabric giving it an old rock ‘n roll vintage feel, I had tailored one of Howie’s suits thinning out the lapels for a more refined look.  With Nick’s stuff, I had put some strategically placed rips in a pair of his jeans, studded one of his shirts, added some embellishments to another pair of pants.  A.J was so easy – some jeweled skull and crossbones, some studding on his collars.  All in all, not bad for 12 hours worth of work.

I glanced down at my cell phone and was surprised to see that it was after midnight.  I began to pack up my stuff so that it wouldn’t be all over the place in the morning.  I had been concentrating so hard, I didn’t realize how creepy the place had gotten.  I had about four lights on, but for the most part the place was pretty dim.  As I was folding some excess fabric, I thought I heard the slam of the large door.  I paused for a second but not hearing anything else, resumed cleaning the space. 

All of a sudden, I heard the distinct sound of footsteps.  I wasn’t able to see the door from where I was standing so I had no idea who it was.  I cursed myself for not following the last person out and locking the door behind them.  This damn place was right in the middle of downtown LA.  My heart was beating so loud in my chest I thought it was going to explode.  I picked up the closest thing I could find which happened to be my fabric shears.  The footsteps got louder, indicating whoever it was getting closer and closer.

I raised the shears over my head.  No one was going to mess with me.  As I heard the footsteps coming around the corner, I screamed.  “WHOEVER YOU ARE STOP!!  I HAVE KNIFE!”. 

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH,” I heard a male voice scream as loud as he could.  I was screaming too. “Don’t….” I  heard someone scream.  It takes me a second to realize it as Nick.

“NICK!!  What the HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE!  I almost stabbed you!” I said trying to catch my breath.  “That SO would not have been good for the tour.”  I tried to catch my breath.  Nick slowly stepped forward and gingerly removed the shears from my hand.  I saw him put them pretty far away from where I was standing.

“Whitney!!” he said with a sly grin on his face.  “Didn’t you hear me yell your name when I walked in?” I shook my head.  “I’m really sorry…” he said.  “I didn’t mean to scare you.” 

“It’s okay.  I really didn’t hear you.  Sorry I almost stabbed you.” I said running my hands through my hair and over my face.  I had almost stabbed Nick Carter.  Only me. 

“What ARE you doing here,” I asked him again.

“I was hanging out in A.J.’s room watching some shit with him when Kassie showed up around 11.  I asked her where you were and she said she’d left here around 7 or so and you hadn’t made it back to the room yet.  I wanted to come over and check on you, and quite frankly NOT sit around and watch those two make out.  Look,” he said holding up a bag, I even brought you snacks!” he said with the cutest grin on his face.

“You’re sweet,” I said.  “But you didn’t have to do that…” I began packing the rest of my stuff up.  Nick raised both hands in the air when I grabbed my shears.

“Har har,” I said sarcastically, although I laughed to show him I was kidding.  The familiar blush was creeping up in my cheeks again. 

“So,” said Nick as he started pulling things out of his bag.  “I wasn’t sure if you were pulling an all nighter, so I brought caffeine.  You look like a cherry coke girl, not sure why, you just do.” I smiled to myself.  He pegged it, I couldn’t go a day without a cherry coke.  He started pulling other things out of the bag.  “Sorry, the only thing I could find open was the Kwik-E mart down the street,” he said as he put all kinds of junk food on the table.  Hoho’s, Zingers, Dorito’s, M & M’s - ugh, I thought looking at all the junk food.  Workout tomorrow. 

“Breakfast of champions, I see…” I said grabbing a pack of Zingers.  Nick started chowing down on a bag of chips.

He walked over to a rack of clothes and started to look.  “Wow, these are awesome, Whitney” he said as he started rifling through them.  “We’ve been trying to get something like this done for years, and you come in and do it in a day…” He pulled out a pair of jeans from his rack that I had distressed and ripped.  “I really like them,” he said looking over at me.

“Thanks!” I smiled. “I hope the other guys feel the same.”  I felt very at ease around Nick.  I knew I had to keep my guard up though.  You’d have to have lived in a cave to not know his reputation.  “I was actually getting ready to head back, I was just going to catch a cab or whatever but can I ride with you?” I asked him.

“Where the hell did you think you were going to find a cab around this area at 1:00 in the morning,” he laughed at me.

“I’m from New York,” I said.  “Cabs are everywhere, now actually getting one to stop is another story.”  I began to finish packing everything up.  I organized all the outfits again after Nick had gone through them.  I didn’t even realize he had walked away until I heard him on the microphone.

“Check1 2, check 1 2,” I heard him say through the microphone.  I looked up and saw him standing on the mock stage.  He looked at me and began singing a cappella

Don't pretend you're sorry
I know you're not
You know you got the power
To make me weak inside

Girl you leave me breathless
But it's okay 'cause
You are my survival
Now hear me say

He started goofing off with the verses and I could tell he was imitating whichever of the guys had each part of the song. He made me laugh.  He was really cute. Finally, when it came to his part he pointed right at me and started singing.  I couldn’t help notice what a natural performer he was.  I let myself enjoy the moment.

I can't imagine life
Without your love
Even forever don't seem
Like long enough

When he was done, I clapped my hands.  “Okay, nooooooooow I see what all the hype is about,” I said to him teasingly.  “You really are amazing.   I can’t believe I’m telling you this, but I wasn’t really thrilled about this internship.  I kind of wanted to go to Paris and work for Versace.”

“Verace?” Nick said in mock horror.  “What could they have that we don’t have.” He winked at me.

I was still standing on the floor looking up at him on the stage.  “I just wanted you to know, that I’m glad this is what I’m doing.” I said shyly.  “In all seriousness, you really are amazing up there.  I can’t wait to see the show opening night, at least what I’ll be able to see from under the stage,” I laughed.

“How about a little preview?” he smiled.  “We’re opening with ‘Everybody’,” he said as he began to do the choreographed dance moves.  He stopped in mid move pointed his finger at me and beckoned me up on stage.

“Oh, no…” I said shaking my head.  “That’s your job, I’ll just stay right down here…” I said backing up towards the wardrobe area again.

“Nah, seriously Whitney, come up here for just a second…I don’t bite,” he grinned.  Somehow I doubted that.  Giving in, I walked up on the stage.  He started dancing again, singing as he danced.  He moved up behind me and placed his arm around my waist.

“Everybody….” He whispered in my ear.  “Rock your body…” he moved up behind me and gently pulled me back into him.  I couldn’t help but notice how nicely he fit.  At the same time, I felt entirely comfortable with him, but flushed all over.  His touch was electric. He began to sway with me as he started to sing softly again.  “Am I original…yeah,” Taking my hand, he swung me out, but I wasn’t expecting it.  Instead of holding on to his hand so he could pull me back, I let go and stumbled backwards landing hard on my ass.

“So sorry!” he said rushing over to me.  I had flown halfway across the stage.  I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Told you I belonged in the wardrobe area,” I laughed.  “I’ll leave the dancing to the experts.”

“Well, maybe next time we’ll have to dance to a slower song,” he smiled as he offered me his hand.  I took it and he started to slowly pull me up.  When I got about three quarters of the way up, he tugged pulling me so hard I stumbled forward right into his arms.

“Well…isn’t this convenient,” he said as I looked up at him.  I caught my breath as I saw his lips slowly descend upon mine. Immediately a battle between my heart and my head commenced.  My heart won as my lips parted and allowed his tongue to gently explore my mouth. As his hands encircled my waist, pulling me closer, I wrapped my arms around his neck, moving my fingers through his short, silky hair.  The kiss seemed to go on forever growing more and more demanding.  As Nick’s hands began to roam down my hips, I finally came to my senses, pulling away.  I leaned my forehead into his chest and took a deep breath.  My lips felt like they were on fire.

I heard him sigh as he gently kissed the top of my head, “that bad, huh?” he chuckled.  His chest still heaving.

I leaned back and looked him in the eye.  Giving him a shy smile, I said “not at all, Nick, it’s just…” I trailed off.

“Just what?” he asked genuinely confused.

My mind was a jumble of emotions.  I have always felt like honesty was the best policy so I just let the words come tumbling out. “It’s just…I’ve literally known you less than 24 hours, Nick…I tried to tell you last  night, I’m not just a roll in the hay.  Come on, you have to know I read the internet.  I know you, well you…” How do you look a guy in the eyes and tell him you know he’s a manwhore? You can’t.  But more words just came rambling out of my mouth. “…and, I’m here to work and if something happens and it ends badly.  You’re almost like my boss, and…well”.

“Good lord, girl…” Nick said putting a finger over my lips to shush me. “Okay, I get it.  ..and I know I’ve only known you 24 hours, but in those 24 hours I have not been able to get you off my mind for longer than 30 seconds.  Kevin was so pissed today because all during rehearsals I kept looking over there for you..” he said motioning towards the wardrobe department.

“…and that kiss,” he said.  “You can’t deny that was hot, we both felt something.” I nodded in agreement.  “Look,” he said taking my hand and walking over to the edge of the stage.  He sat down and pulled me down on his lap.  “Let’s just see where this goes.” he said as he stroked my cheek.  “I can’t say it’s going to be easy.  I can’t REALLY ask you out on a real date – like out to dinner or anything because once this tour starts it’s going to get crazy.  We’ll never be able to go out to dinner, or see a movie or anything unless there’s a day off….” I nodded in agreement.  “So let’s just see where it leads us, okay?” He leaned over and gently kissed me on the lips. 

“Okay…” I said smiling at him.  I rolled off of him as he stood up.

“With that said, let’s get out of here…” he offered me his hand and pulled me up.  Our fingers entwined as he led me outside to the car for the trip back to the hotel.  Walking in at close to 2:00 a.m. it seemed a lot calmer than the night before.  Not as many fans.  As we got in the elevator he pulled me into his arms as I hit the button for my floor.  He nuzzled my neck as he murmured, “I had a really nice time tonight, Whitney,” he pulled back and looked me in they eyes.

“So did I,” I said, hearing the door open for my floor.  Nick put his foot in front, to stop the door from closing. 

He kissed me softly and whispered, “sweet dreams,” as I pulled myself away from  him.  “Night, baby,” he said as the elevator door shut.  I blew him a kiss. 

I leaned up against the wall and composed myself.  I had no idea if Kassie was in the room or not, but if she was, I didn’t want to wake her.  I slipped the key in the door as quietly as I could and tiptoed in.  I pulled my shirt off and put my pajamas on as best as I could in the dark.  I heard Kassie’s steady breathing, so I knew I wasn’t alone.  I tiptoed to the bed so I wouldn’t wake her, but as soon as I got in my bed I heard her sit up.

“Did Nick find you?” she asked still groggy.

“Yes,” I whispered, “sorry to wake you up.”

“No, it’s fine,” she said, looking over at me.  “Soooooo,” she grinned, “anything happen?  Did he try and get you in the sack?”

“Nope” I said, letting out a sigh.  “He did kiss me though…”

“He just kissed you?  He didn’t try and sleep with you” she said laying back down

“No,” I replied.  “He was a perfect gentleman”

“Well, if that’s the case, Carter must REALLY be smitten…” she rolled back over.  I laid in bed and listened to her breathing get steady again.

Smitten, huh?  I thought to myself as I laid down and closed my eyes and drifted off into those sweet dreams that Nick had wished for me.  Maybe this was going to be fun after all.

The next two days were absolutely insane.  Final costume fittings were the next afternoon and all the guys loved their updated wardrobes.  I thought Howie was going to cry, he looked so happy.  At the final costume fittings, we were assigned to each guy who we would be assisting in the show.

As Nick had mentioned, Ms. Helga assigned me as his wardrobe manager.  I’d get to help take his pants off sooner, rather than later it seemed.  In all seriousness, the show was amazing from start to finish.  I was again blown away by everything that went in to these shows.  Nick and I had to practice his wardrobe changes numerous times.  The first change occurred at 18 minutes into the show and we had exactly 1:46 seconds to accomplish it.  The second change, 23 minutes after that and we had 2:06 seconds.  The third change was a longer change so the guys could rest, for that change we got a whopping 4:26 seconds.  The final change was for the encore – it was when the boys changed into their jersey’s so it didn’t take a lot of effort but it had to be really fast.  I just had to have everything ready to go and be ready to do any repairs at a seconds notice. 

During the actual show, we would be able stand to the side to watch if we wanted to.  It was pretty cool to be so close.  I met Brian and Kevin’s wives and they seemed to be pretty nice.  Leighanne was about seven months pregnant.  Kristen was really nice as well, she introduced herself to us and she seemed very pleasant.  Howie had a girlfriend that kind of kept to herself.  I don’t even think she talked to Leighanne and Kristen.

I could tell from just doing the dress rehearsals with Nick that once the first beats of music started, he was all about business.  He was born to do this and before I knew it, opening night had arrived.  We had to be at the Staples Center at 4:00 p.m.  All of our stuff was already packed and on the bus.  I was on a bus with Kassie and two other girls from the wardrobe team.  The bus wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t a luxury either.  We each had a bunk and a storage area for our luggage.  There was one bathroom and a shower and one sink for four girls. This would be interesting.  We did have a small TV and a little kitchenette with a small fridge and microwave.  I figured I would be so exhausted after the shows, I would just end up crashing anyway.  Kassie had told me that if we had a day off after the show, they would usually put us up in hotels.

When I got to the arena, I went straight to the backstage area.  I knew the guys had sound check at 5:00 p.m. and they were doing a ton of press, radio interviews and meet and greets.  I glanced over at Nick and he was surrounded by a mass of girls.  I felt a twinge of jealousy and I must have gotten lost in my thoughts because the next thing I knew, I heard Kassie say “you know,  you’re going to have to get used to it if you think anything is going to happen with Nick…”  she said as she nodded over in that direction. 

I turned around and finished getting his clothes and accessories in order.  “I’ve known him for 3 days,” I shrugged.  “Who knows what’s going to happen after tonight,” I ran my fingers through my hair pulling it up into a loose bun and securing it with a couple of pins.  “There’s going to be girls in every city.” I said bluntly. 

“Who knows,” Kassie said.  “I learned a long time ago not to expect too much out of AJ,” she said softly.  “I don’t like to push it, I know when I’m not in LA he’s not waiting around.”

About an  hour later, I heard the music begin for the opening act.  I was giving all the clothes another once over when I felt someone come up behind me.  Nick snaked his arms around my waist and pulled me back into him.

“Show time, baby,”  he whispered softly in my ear.  “Gonna wish me luck?” I turned around and looked into his eyes.  He looked amazing.  His hair was teased up in a messy spike.  He had on black jeans, a wife beater and a black leather jacket.  He sensed my nervousness at being seen by Ms. Helga so he took my hand and led me over behind a rack of clothes.

He pulled me into his arms and I wrapped my hands around his waist.  “Good luck, tonight…” I said looking up at him.  His blue eyes were lit up in excitement.  “I would say break a leg, but I’ve never really thought that meant good luck,” I giggled.

“Thanks, I think,,,” he laughed softly.  “Look, I just want you to know that tonight after the show is going to be crazy.  The next couple of days are going to be really busy.  I probably won’t see much of you, I just wanted you to know that it wasn’t because I didn’t want to.  Kevin wants us all to ride on me and AJ’s bus tonight so we can talk about the show and if any changes need to be made.  I’ve already got 2 radio interviews lined up tomorrow, and all kinds of meet and greets.  I probably won’t see you until tomorrow night,” he said as he stroked my cheek.

“I get it,” I said.  “Don’t worry about me, I’m just going back to the bus tonight and crash,” I said.  We were heading out immediately after the show heading up towards Portland, Oregon.  Seattle, Washington was right after that. 

“As soon as things settle down, I want you to hang out on my bus,  if you want,” he grinned.

“We’ll see,” I said winking.  “Remember, I’m not that kind of girl,” I said, kissing his cheek. 

He chuckled softly, “you don’t have to stay the whole night – most of the times the buses stop to refuel around 2 or 3:00 a.m.  If you don’t want to spend the night you can get back on your bus.  I will say though, I can guarantee that my bed is more comfortable than yours.” He said with a sparkle in his eye.

“Oh, really…” I said as I disentangled myself from him arms and began to walk away.  I could hear the crowd getting louder and louder.  The anticipation was building, the show would be starting in a few minutes. 

“Really!!!” Nick said as he ran by me, slapping me right on the ass.  “Let’s rock it guys,” I heard him say as he made his way up to the top of the stairs.  “5, 4, 3, 2, 1….” I heard the stage manager count down.  The pyrotechnics went off, and even though I didn’t think it was possible, the crowd got louder.

The show went off without a hitch.  I didn’t even see Nick at the end as they were all whisked away by management, presumably to do press.  I was so exhausted by the time we got to the buses, I think I was asleep before we even pulled out of the parking lot.  As tiny as our bunks were, there was something pretty relaxing about sleeping on the bus.

I barely saw Nick at all over the next several days.  By night six, we were in Phoenix with Albuquerque, New Mexico the next stop.  Everything was running like a finely oiled machine by this point.  I had made some changes to the costumes based on feedback from the first several shows.  Leighanne had also asked me to design a dress for her to wear to the Grammy’s that winter, after the baby was born.  That was pretty exciting.  Especially if she was asked on the red carpet who had designed her dress.  Maybe graduating from Parson’s and having my own line soon after wasn’t that lofty of a goal after all. 

The atmosphere was pretty laid back the day of the Phoenix show, I’d been hanging out on the bus for most of the day.  Around 4:30, I decided to head in to the arena to start getting things ready for the evening.  Nick was tossing a football back and forth with AJ, they were putting a show on for some fans who were hanging out behind the fence.  When he saw me, he ran over.

“Hey, Whit…” he said throwing his arm around me as we made our way inside the arena. “So, you want to ride with me to Albuquerque tonight?” he said, raising his eyebrows and giving me a little smirk.

“If you’re lucky,” I laughed, as I jokingly elbowed him in the rib. 

“Seriously,” he said.  “After the show, hop on my bus before we roll out.  AJ and I are just going to watch some movies and hang out.  Low key.  I guess he’s asking Kassie to come over as well.  You can go back on your bus when we stop, or…” he teased.  I knew where his mind was.

“Sure,” I said as entwined my fingers in his. “I’d like to come hang out with you tonight.” 

“Cool, we don’t have any press after the show tonight.  Jared said we’re rolling out half our after encore.” He gave me a quick peck on the cheek as he walked away. 

“Have a good sound check…” I called after him.

After the show that night, I headed back to get a couple things from the bus.  Kassie grabbed an overnight bag, but I made it a point not to grab anything.  I didn’t want to be a tease, but I was also wise enough to know, that to keep a guy interested, you shouldn’t be giving it up so soon.  Even if he was Nick Carter.  Especially if he was Nick Carter, I thought to myself.  I quickly changed into my most comfortable pair of jeans and a casual, but low cut light pink t-shirt.  I was going for a casual, sexy but I’m not really trying to impress look.  Kassie nodded approvingly.  When I got over to Nick and AJ’s bus, Nick opened up the door.  Kassie hopped right past Nick and made her way up the steps.  Nick stood on the first step looking down at me with a killer grin.  His hair was still fresh from the shower he must have taken right after the show.  I could tell he had just shaved.  He was wearing an extremely ratty Tampa Bay Bucs t-shirt with a pair of basketball shorts.  He grabbed my hand and pulled me up the step right into his arms.  He smelled amazing between the clean scent of soap and the subtle smell of shaving cream.

“I’m glad you’re here,” he said his lips grazing my ear.  Tingles shot through me.

“So am I,” I said softly reaching up to trace his lips.  He leaned down and kissed me softly.  He turned around taking my hand and leading me up the  short staircase. 

“This is our driver, Gary,” Nick said introducing me to the large, jolly man sitting in the driver’s seat.  “He’s been with us since the late 90’s.” 

“Party central, huh” I said as I reached out to shake his hand.

“More like the short bus, with these two knuckleheads,” he laughed.  “Ya’ll have fun tonight, don’t mind me.” he said as he pushed the button to close the door.  Nick gave me a quick tour of the bus, which was about twice the size of the one I was riding on.  There was a large area with a loveseat sized couch and  a recliner that AJ was sitting in, with a huge screen TV.  Kassie was in the little kitchen area popping the tops off of two bottles of Corona.  Behind the kitchen area was the bathroom that actually had a bathtub (seriously, how did the guys end up with a bathtub but four girls had to split a shower?)  Down a short hallway was a set of bunks where Nick explained that sometimes the security guys would sleep in.  In the very back, Nick and AJ each had a little compartment that had a double sized bed.  Nick’s was on the right, AJ’s on the left.  We made our way back up towards the front of the bus as I heard the engine start.

Nick sat down on the loveseat as the buses began to pull out of the parking lot, laying his tall frame down the length of it.  He reached out and took my hand pulling me down in between his legs.  I let myself lay back against his chest, my head resting under his chin.  His hands moved up and began massaging my shoulders. 

“So,” AJ said turning on the TV.  “What movie are we watching tonight.” A vote was taken and we decided to go retro 80’s cheesy horror movie and watch the first “Nightmare on Elm Street”.  Kassie moved off the arm of the chair into AJ”s lap.

I closed my eyes as the movie began allowing myself to enjoy the shoulder rub I was getting from Nick.  “Do you hear that,” he whispered in my ear.

“Hear what?” I said turning to look up at him.

“Exactly,” he said as he moved his  hands from my shoulders and entwined his fingers in mine wrapping both arms around me.  “Nothing, except the movie…no managers, no screaming fans, no someone telling us to do this, or do that…”

“No Kevin bitching…” AJ said as they both laughed.

“Tonight is the first night of quiet we’ve had since the tour began,” Nick said as AJ nodded.  I nestled back into his chest as he pulled a Bucs blanket over us.  We all settled down into a quiet mood watching the movie.  During the scary parts, I pretended not to watch and would bury my face under the blankets.

After the movie was over, AJ faked a huge yawn and grabbed Kassie’s hand.  “Okay, you crazy kids,” he said as he pulled her up.  “I’m hitting the sack,” he and Kassie made their way back to his room.  As he walked through the kitchen area, he flipped a switch which dimmed the lights.  As I heard the door close, Nick shut the TV off.

“So,” he said whispered tilting my chin up with his finger.  “all alone.”  He brought his lips down softy on mine.  His tongue traced my lips, begging for entry which I willingly granted.  He deepened the kiss entwining his fingers in my long hair pulling me closer as our tongues danced together.  He softly nibbled on my lower lip.    

I pulled away and laid my head down on his chest, playing with the numerous holes in his shirt, just enjoying being close to him.  My hair splayed across his chest.  Lightly massaging the back of my neck with the tip of his fingers, I heard him sigh.  “I’ve been waiting for that for days,” he uttered.

“Nice shirt,” I laughed softly as I poked a finger through one of the many holes and lightly massaged a small circle on his belly.

“I’ve had this shirt since I was 14,” he explained.  “I guess you could say it’s kind of the last bit of home I have when I’m on the road,” he said as I looked up at him.  “If I had to grab one thing in a fire, this would probably be it.” He chuckled softly. 

I sat up so that I straddled him and put my hands on each side of his face.  Lowering my lips, I grazed his forehead and as he closed his eyes, I gently rained kisses down his face.  I brought my lips down on his as he pulled me into another mind searing kiss. His hands moving to my back, caressing me softly, pulling me down so I was laying on top of him.  His hands moved down grabbing my ass, pulling me back up.  I could feel the evidence of his arousal through his shorts.  I was on fire.  His blue eyes were almost black at this point, engulfed with desire.  He pulled me down and gently rolled me off the loveseat onto the carpeted floor. I laid on my back as Nick moved down next to me on his side.  His hand moved under my shirt, and I felt him unclasping my bra.  I vaguely remember thinking that he was pretty talented to be able to do it with only one hand, because his other was already moving up to grab my breast.

“Nick….” I said, my voice heavy with passion.  “Oh, my god…” I murmured as he massaged me gently.  I lowered my hand and felt him through his shorts.  With one hand, I gently massaged him as I raked my nails up his back with my other hand.  He lifted himself off of me and pulled his shirt off.  I rubbed my hands over his smooth chest.  I could barely breathe.  With an inner moan of pleasure and need, I moved my hands down to the waistband of his shorts.

“God, Whitney I want you,” Nick said in a hoarse whisper.  His hands slipped over my breasts, cupping them possessively.  I moved my hands lower, wanting to please him.  Nick devoured my mouth, as I encircled him with my fingers and began a slow sensual massage.  I felt one of his hands leave my breast and begin a slow descent south. I felt the heat of his fingers as they delved beneath my silky thong, I opened my legs to allow him access as pulled back and looked in my eyes. 

I threw my head back as I closed my eyes.  “No baby,” Nick whispered.  “Look in my eyes, I want to see what I’m doing to you,”  I encircled my fingers around his shaft and began to move up and down, slowly at first and then increasing the speed, Nick responded and matched my rhythm with his hand on me.

“I can’t…oh my god, baby.  FUCK!” Nick said as the friction of my fingers increased.  He  reached down and grabbed my hand pulling it up and entwining my fingers in  his, as he pulled his hand out of my panties.  “I can’t take it anymore…I want you now!” I nodded my agreement as we sat up.  I was ready to go all the way.  I reached up to pull my shirt over my head and all of a sudden felt the bus lurch. 

Lights in the front came on as Gary’s booming voice announced, “if anyone’s awake we’re at the refuel stop.”  I collapsed on Nick’s chest still breathing heavily as his arms wrapped around me.  In that  moment, my brain took over. As much as I wanted him, I knew we needed to wait.  But would he wait for me?  I guess I was going to find out.

“That dude has got the worst timing…” Nick laughed sarcastically.

“Saved by the bus…” I said as I stood up.  Laughing nervously, I reached for his hand.  He stood up, his tall frame towering over me.

“I know you’re not going to like this, but I’m going to go back on my bus..” I said kissing him softly on the cheek.

“I was afraid you were going to say that…” he said as he pulled me into a close hug.  “We’ve got plenty more time…” he said gently placing a kiss on the forehead.  “I’m not going to rush you.”  After about ten more kisses, I made my way quietly down the steps of the bus.  Looking around for prying eyes and not seeing any, I quickly made my way back to my bus.  I snuggled down into my bunk, but was unable to sleep.  Had I just made the biggest mistake of my life or was this just the beginning for us?

Over the next several days, I rode on Nick’s bus every night – and every night I got off at the refuel stop.  I knew he was getting frustrated, I could tell.  But it was hard to admit even to myself that I was scared to sleep with him.  For so many reasons.  I was really scared that once he got what he wanted, that would be it.  There were so many thoughts heavy on my mind.  What if this WAS real?  Then what? Once the tour was over, where did we go?  I still had a year left in school, the Backstreet Boys were going back into the recording studio in LA after the tour, so it’s not as if Nick would be able to come to New York.  Was I getting too far ahead of myself?  Every time I talked to Lila, she told me that I should just let things play out, and not to over analyze everything.  There was something to be said about that.

I had gotten to Nick’s bus before him after the Dallas show.  I hadn’t seen Kassie, so I wasn’t sure if she was riding with AJ tonight or not.  I was so exhausted, I curled up on the couch.  It was almost midnight.  I figured Nick maybe had a few interviews or something.  Gary said the buses would roll out about 1:00 a.m. I must have drifted off to sleep, because I awoke to Nick pressing soft kisses on the back of my neck.

“Wake up, Sleeping Beauty,” me muttered as I rolled over.  I vaguely remembered hearing the bus's engine starting and could tell we were under way.

“What time is it?” I asked sitting up.

“Almost 1:00 am, we did a couple radio interviews after the show.” Nick said as he snuggled up next to me, pulling me into his arms.

“Where’s AJ?” I asked him as I realized that I hadn’t heard him get on. 

“It’s just you and me tonight, baby!” Nick said as he ruffled his fingers through my hair.  “He had to fly to his mom’s in Florida tonight and is going to meet back up with us in St. Louis tomorrow night,” he said with a smile on his face.

“YOU!!!” I said flinging a pillow at him and laughing.  “Was this your little plan?” Nick laughed and raised his hands in the air.

“I’m innocent!” he said trying his best to actually appear that way.  “I swear J didn’t say anything until after the show tonight.  What’s the problem anyway?  Do you think I bite?” He said as he encircled both of my wrists with his hands and pulled me down on the carpet.  He laid on top of me as he pinned my hands over my head so I couldn’t move.  “Because, I can bite you right here…,” he said as he began to lightly nip my neck, chucking softly. 

“You don’t play fair,” I whispered with a smile on my face.

He released my hands and I quickly wrapped my arms around him, my hands moving up and down massaging his back.  He lowered his lips to mine and kissed me gently, his tongue running along the edge of my lips.  He deepened the kiss and rolled over so I was on top of him.  I felt his hand begin to move up my back, under my shirt searching for my bra.  He pulled himself up and wrapped his arms around me pulling me closer.  I cupped his face in my hands and pulled him in for another kiss, this one more demanding.  I was feeling dizzy and breathless.  Nick’s lips began a slow trail down my neck as one hand moved around to softly grope my breast.  I threaded my fingers through his hair, pulling him closer to me. 

All of a sudden, a shrill ring interrupted the thick silence.  “Who the hell is calling after midnight?” Nick griped as he reached for the phone.  He looked at it, hit the dismiss button and put it on the floor by the couch.

“Where were we?” he muttered into my mouth as he began his descent all over again.  I felt so warm all over.  There was no place I would have rather been in the world right now than in his arms.  The phone interrupted us again.

“That’s IT!” Nick said reaching for it.  “She needs to stop calling!”

“Who is it?” I asked as he again dismissed the call.

“My sister, Leslie – I had 3 missed calls tonight during the show and she’s called another three since…” he was clearly frustrated.  The phone began to ring again.

“WHAT!” he said as he flipped it open.  “Leslie, someone better be dead…” he started to say as she began to speak. “Again?” Nick said as he sat down on the couch.  I sat up and composed myself, the moment we had going clearly ruined. 

“I’m not….NO! …Not this time…” Nick was trying to speak, but it was obvious Leslie wasn’t letting him.  “I know she’s my mother…yes, Leslie…I gave her ten thousand…I know Dad’s no help….” Nick put his head in his hands as he cradled the phone next to his ear, clearly frustrated.  “Fine, FINE! I’ll send it tomorrow…yeah, I know….I’m always the one there for everyone – it would just be nice to hear from some of you when you DON’T need something….whatever, yep – bye…” he said as he flipped the phone closed.  He sat in silence for a few minutes flipping it open and closed.  I didn’t know what to say.

He finally stood up and walked out into the tiny kitchenette.  He put both hands down on the counter and raised one like he wanted to slam it down but caught himself.  I could sense he was hurting, angry.  I stood up and walked over behind him.  Snaking my hands around him, I let my forehead rest against his back.  I kissed him softly through his shirt.

“I’m sorry….” I whispered quietly.  “I don’t know what to say other than I’m here…” I held him for a few minutes, feeling his heartbeat start to slow down.  He turned around leaning his back against the counter and pulled me close.

“I’m so sorry you had to see that, Whit…” he whispered as I laid my head against his chest.  “My family is SO FUCKED UP!  Mom’s got a court date next week because of all that shit with my dad where she broke into his house and whatever.  She can’t afford a lawyer and no one else can either.  If she doesn’t show up in court, she goes to jail.  She’s not talking to Aaron because of their damn lawsuit.  The whole thing is just a fucking mess.  None of them have anything to do with me until one of them needs money – do you ever see them come out to shows?  Do you ever see them call me?  Nope, not unless I have to bail one of them out, or pay off a bill, or whatever.  I’m just so sick of being used…” he trailed off and buried his face in the crook of my neck.

“I’m so sorry, baby…” I stroked his head as he pulled me closer.  “I don’t know what to say, I have the opposite problem, no family at all…” I laughed softly.

“I guess all we have is each other…” he pulled back and looked down at me.  I kissed him gently.

“Whit,” he said looking at me intensely. “Please stay with me tonight, I need you,” he caressed a finger down my cheek, gently placing it under my chin, tipping my face up to meet his gaze.  I nodded my silent surrender as he laced his hand in mine, leading me to the back of the bus.  As we entered the small room that housed his bed, I felt an immediate sense of peace. This was so right. 

Nick gently lowered me onto the bed and slowly our clothes became a heap on the floor.  I wanted him so badly, I ached.  I curled up as close to him as I could get, and let my fingers travel down his stomach, continuing until I felt his desire.  I encircled him with my fingers and lightly stroked up and down, grazing him lightly with my nails.  Nick’s hands moved from my breasts down to stroke me.

“Whit, you drive me crazy…I have laid awake imagining how this would be, baby…it’s beyond anything I dreamed of..” He said stroking me deeply.  I threw my head back. “Nick, now….I can’t wait,” Taking the invitation Nick moved on top of me and lowered himself into me.  As we began to move slowly, increasing our rhythm I wrapped my arms up around his back pulling him as close to me as I could get.  He was home to me.  I had never felt safer anywhere at any time in my life. 

We both reached our release at the same time, and fell back in bed amidst the tangled sheets.  My head resting gently on Nick’s chest as he gently ran his fingers through my hair.  “That was amazing, Whitney…” he whispered gently kissing the top of my head.  We spent the rest of the night exploring each other,  he was my drug and I couldn’t get enough of him.  Finally around 5:00 am, he nestled in behind me, pulling close up against him – naked skin to naked skin. We were both beyond exhausted.

“I’m falling in love with you, Whitney” he said as he wrapped his arm around me.  I tensed up a bit.  “What’s wrong, baby,” he gently kissed the back of my neck.

“I'm falling in love with you too, Nick. I guess I’m just afraid of being hurt…” I admitted as I sighed gently reaching up to stroke his arm. 

“I promise you, with everything I am, Whitney that I will never, never  hurt you,” he pulled me closer to him as we settled down to sleep for the night, and as I laid in his arms, listening to the gentle turn of the tires as the bus went down the road – I believed him with everything in me.  I was his forever, and he would never hurt me.

I nestled back into Nick’s arms and enjoyed the beautiful blanket of stars we were laying under.  The tour had ended three days before and Nick had convinced me to come home to his condo in Malibu for the week before I was due back at school.  The tour had been amazing, inspiring…there really were no words.  I was definitely going back to school with a renewed vision for where I wanted to go.  Over the course of the tour, I had slowly realized the reasons for sending me on the internship Professor Marin had.  Before, I was a by the book, straight-laced close minded designer.  Going on tour with the boys had opened up my horizons.  I had designed dresses for both Kristin and Leighanne to wear to the VMA’s (and a maternity dress for Leighanne at that!) – not to mention really honed my technical skills with all the alterations and repairs nightly. 

In my quieter moments, I had begun to sketch a new line of rock and roll inspired clothing.  I had already sent several to Professor Marin and she said she was seeing some interest.  Hopefully, I would have a job locked up before I graduated – hopefully.. in LA. Nick had offered to finance my own line, but I was going to do this on my own without his help.

“Lost in thought?” Nick inquired as he began feathering light kisses down my neck.

“Just thinking…” I responded, taking a sip of wine.  I could hear the waves crashing against the beach, the salty smell of the surf hung in the air.

“About?”, Nick whispered, gently pulling me closer.

I didn’t want to verbalize my thoughts.  For to say out loud what I was thinking, would be letting my worst fears be known.  I was leaving tomorrow.  Going back to New York,  four thousand miles away.  Could I trust him?  What about all the girls out here who wanted a piece of him?  Were we meant to be? Should I just end it right now?  Was he worth the risk?

“I know what you’re thinking,” he said softly tilting my chin up to meet his eyes.  “You’re trying to figure out if you can trust me or not, aren’t you?” The tears that filled my eyes, answered his question. “Look, Whit – I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, there’s going to be shit on the internet  about me, someone may claim to have my baby, another may claim that I’m engaged to her – who knows, it’s been happening since I was 13 years old.  You got a taste of my fans on this tour.  But know that YOU are the one I love, you are who I call when I get in every night, you are the one that I fly out to see on the weekends, because I am coming to see you…you just need to believe in US,” he lowered  his lips to mine.  I felt better.  “Now, let’s go to bed,” he said standing up and reaching for my hand.  “You have to be at the airport at 8:00 a.m., and I don’t plan on doing much sleeping tonight.”

The next morning, I put the last of my suitcases in the car.  How I came with 2 suitcases but was going home with four, and a whole bunch of crap I had already shipped, I would never figure out.  Plus, I was leaving a whole bunch of stuff at Nick’s because I was planning on being out in LA quite a bit.  I had already planned on being out there the entire week of Thanksgiving and the whole Christmas break.  I hoped to see him at least every other weekend - whether I was out here or he was in New York.  I figured I’d stay busy with school during the week.

We rode in silence on the way to the airport, his fingers laced with mine.  I tried to take in all I could of LA as we drove along the 405.  “You don’t need to park,” I said as we approached the airport.  “It’s just going to make it harder,” he pulled up to the curb.  Taking my face in his hands, I looked lovingly into his eyes. 

“Know that I have never felt safer anywhere in my life than when I am in your arms, baby” He said stroking my cheek.  I reached up and placed my hands over his.  “These last two and half months have been amazing, but they are only the beginning.  I love you.  I’ll be in New York in two weeks,” he said as he kissed me deeply.  Horns started to honk, and a police officer rapped on the window.

"Okay kids, let’s move it…” he said.  Nick got out to get my suitcases out of the back as I hailed a sky cap.

“I love you, Nick,” I said giving him another quick kiss.  He grabbed my hand as I began to walk away, our fingers holding on as long as possible.  I quickly checked in and got on the plane.  I laid back and closed my eyes and tried to process everything that happened over the last two and half months.  Was this some crazy dream I was going to wake up from?  I hadn’t felt so at peace since before my mother died.

Five hours later I landed in New York.  My heart ached for Nick already, but I was also ready to get home and sleep in my own bed for the first time in over two months.  I opened the door to the apartment to find it empty.  Lila must have already gone out for the night.  I hadn’t expected her to stick around.

Part of me just wanted to crash in bed, but the OCD side of me wanted to get all my suitcases unpacked before I did anything.  I began going through my suitcases and hanging up my clothes, admiring all the new clothes Nick bought me out in LA, I think I had doubled my shoe collection.  I didn’t know where I was going to put all of this stuff. 

As I was getting ready to zip up the last suitcase to take down to the storage area in the basement, I noticed there was something in the pocket in the front.  Funny, I hadn’t remembered putting anything in there.  I unzipped it and stuck my hand in, feeling something very soft.   I pulled it out.  I gasped softly and my heartbeat quickened when I realized what it was.  In my hands was the holey, ratty beloved Tampa Bay Bucs t-shirt Nick had had since he was 14 – the one he had worn the first night I had rode on the bus with him (and many more nights after that).  I knew what this shirt meant to him.  I couldn’t believe he had sent it to me.  I held it up and a note fell out, picking it up I unfolded it and began to read:

Whitney –

These last few months have made me happier than you will ever know.  I love you with all that I am, and all I ever will be.  Going to sleep with you every night and waking up with you in my arms every morning has made me the happiest guy in the world.  You know how much this shirt means to me, but what means more to me is that even though I’m not there to hold you in my arms every night, there is a piece of me there for you to wrap yourself in.  I love you to infinity.

Nick

I silently slipped out of my clothes, dirty and rumpled from flying all day and into Nick’s shirt.  I slid into bed and wrapped my arms around myself.  To infinity, I smiled to myself.  That was our little secret – after a night of getting into a real mature “I love you more,” contest.  We had decided that infinity was far enough away to capture the love that we felt.  There was no end to infinity, just as though there would be no end to us, I thought as I drifted off into a peaceful sleep.

As I hurried through the airport in LA, I was struck by how different I felt from the first time I had walked through the airport.  It was December 22 and Nick and I had been together for 6 months.  The last three months, we had seen each other mostly on the weekends or when he could come to New York for a few days here and there.  I had managed to stay an entire week over Thanksgiving which had been absolutely wonderful.  We’d even managed to go down to Mexico for 3 days and relax in Cancun.  Things had been going great.  While Nick hadn’t exactly announced he was dating anyone, he wasn’t hiding it either.  I’d been photographed several times in New York and we’d been chased around LA a few times.  I was slowly learning to deal with it.  I hadn’t run into any psycho fans…yet.

Christmas in LA and Christmas in New York was certainly different.  I had left in snow boots and a parka and changed on the plane into a cute sundress.  The last semester had been a whirlwind.  After designing dresses for Leighanne (who was pregnant) and Kristen for the Video Music Awards (and walking the red carpet myself with Nick in my own creation), my first line “Thunder and Raine” was born.  The entire line was edgy, inspired by rock ‘n roll and already drawing the attention of young Hollywood. I was designing outfits for Britney Spears and Pink for the Grammy’s.  I was on my way and just had one semester left.  Very few had ever graduated from Parson’s already with their own line.  I was ahead of the game and I couldn’t have been happier.  Everything was falling into place.

I was surprising Nick by arriving two days early.  I had wrapped up my final  project of the semester and changed my flight so that I could spend as much time as I could with him.  Backstreet Boys were headed for a two month tour of Asia so I knew my time with him would be few and far between before graduation.  I had called his housekeeper Lola to pick up some groceries.  I knew he’d be recording all day and I wanted to fix a special dinner for him when he got  home, followed by a very romantic evening. 

I grabbed my suitcase and found the car I had hired to take me out to Malibu.  I still got goosebumps thinking about spending time at Nick’s place.  The beach was amazing.  We spent so much time there together, from early morning runs with Nick’s dog Layla to romantic midnight walks.  Every time it was time to go back to New York, I felt like I was leaving a piece of me there.  I had a feeling LA would be home in the not so distant future.

I pulled up to Nick’s and let myself in.  He’d had a key made for the last time I had come out.  I was glad that Lola had been there earlier in the day to clean the place.  There was no telling what state it had been in.  Nick wasn’t the cleanest guy in the world, but then again – what guy was?  It was about 5:00 o’clock and if I was correct, Nick should be rolling in around 7:30 or 8:00 so I wanted to get going on dinner.   I had thought about calling AJ or Brian to see what time they would really be done, but neither one of them could keep a secret, so I had decided against it.  I was just going to whip up a quick pasta dish, toss a salad and chill some wine.  Perfection.  I got everything going and moved around the condo lighting some candles. 

Around nine, Nick still wasn’t home.  By this point, it was almost midnight East Coast time and I was starting to feel the effects of the two glasses of wine I had drank waiting.  I laid down on the sofa in the living room to wait for Nick.  Maybe him and the guys had decided to go out for a couple of drinks after the recording session.   I must have dozed off because the beeps from the security system roused me out of a light sleep.

“Hey baby…” I began as I heard the door open, my heart almost stopping when I sat up.  Nick hadn’t even heard me.  Nick wasn’t alone.  He was entangled in the arms of a half-dressed blond.  Her clothes already hitting the ground before she was even in the door. 

I stood up, numb – not even knowing what to do.  My words were caught in my throat, I couldn’t even speak.  Hot tears stung my eyes.  I was frozen in time – forced to watch this.  I finally found my voice.  “What the FUCK is going on…” I hissed, barely able to even get the words out.  Nick’s back was to me, but as soon as he heard my voice he spun around, shock and guilt registering on his face.  Then, I saw who he was with, and the bile rose in my throat.   Unbelievable.  Paris fucking Hilton.

Nick’s mouth began to move but nothing was coming out of it.  He’d been caught with his pants down, literally.  I was disgusted.  You’d have to be living under a rock for the past two years not to know who the cantankerous piece of shit was that he was with.  Just looking at her you could tell she was coked out of her mind.  Now that you mention it, so was Nick.  His skin was pasty and clammy, his eyes bloodshot and glazed over.  What the hell had happened to him?

“Who the hell are you?” I whispered.  “I don’t understand…” Tears began to form in my eyes, but I quickly blinked them back.  I was NOT going to cry.  Now way, no how. 

“Take care of your little problem, Nicky” Paris said as she stumbled out on to the balcony.  Maybe she’d fall off of it.  I just stared at Nick, or maybe I stared through him.  I was sick to my stomach and couldn’t even look at him.

“What the fuck, Whit?  You weren’t supposed to be here until Christmas Eve,” Nick spat out.

“Is that your response to this, Nick?  Really?” I seethed at him.  “You don’t have anything else?  How long exactly has this been going on?”

“We met the other night at a club.  Come on, do you really think I would be able to keep it under wraps?” Nick leaned back on the counter.  “I think we’re better suited for each other – she likes the life out here, when you come out here – we never do anything,” he snickered.

“I’m not even getting into this with you,” I seethed.  “Are you kidding me?  We do what YOU want to do, all that clubbing and partying was supposed to be out of your system – are you seriously telling ME I held you back?  Really? Nick, I’m done – you’re not the person I thought you were, you can’t even stand up straight – are you taking drugs?  You look like you’re on something.  Does AJ know what’s going on?” If AJ knew what was going on, it would devastate me – not just the drugs, but the deception.  I knew his loyalty lied with Nick, but really?

“Come on, Whit – don’t be such a prude – it’s just a little blow, no biggie…” Nick laughed as he wiped his nose.  His nostrils red from his indulgence of earlier.  He looked like shit.  How could I have been so wrong and misjudged him so completely?  I had to get out of there.  I grabbed my purse and suitcase, which I thankfully hadn’t unpacked yet.  I saw the keys to his Escalade on the counter. 

“I’m not waiting around for a car, I’m taking your car to the airport.  You and the whore can pick it up tomorrow.” He grabbed my arm.  “Let go of me now, Nick…” I said in a calm, even voice.

“Don’t do anything stupid, Whitney…” he said trying to stand up straight.

“I think you’ve cornered the market on that, Nick…” I said trying to get to the door.  I pulled my arm away.  I could hear Paris laughing on the balcony as she talked to someone on her cell phone, evidently finding this whole scene amusing.  She could have him - I was done.

I composed myself and looked at Nick.  “Don’t you worry about a damn thing, Nick.  I’m going to the airport, getting on a plane and going back to New York.  Then, I’m going to forget everything about you.  You aren’t even worth it.  Maybe there’s a reason you’re family doesn’t come around.  Ever thought about that?” I said, spewing the only venom out of my mouth that I knew would cut him to the bone.  The brief, sobering look in his eyes proved I’d struck a cord.  “Don’t call me, don’t contact me – just stay the fuck away.  You can have that disgusting slut in there.  You two deserve each other.”  With that, I threw my suitcase in the car and pealed out of the driveway, Nick standing there watching me drive away.  I sped down the 405 towards LAX.  All I wanted to do was get on a plane and get home.  Home, I laughed to myself.  Where was that?  For awhile, I’d thought it would be LA, with Nick – but that was a fantasy. 

I held myself together until I got on the plane.  All I remember is staring out the window for the five hour flight back to New York.  I had called Lila and told her I was coming home.  She didn’t ask questions, and I didn’t offer any information – I just wanted my best friend.  I got back to the apartment and without a word went into my room and crawled into bed.  Which is where I stayed for who knows how long – numb, empty, emotionless – until I couldn’t function anymore.  Finally, after two weeks Lila had enough and dragged me kicking and screaming to the doctor, where I found out I was anemic, dehydrated and …five weeks pregnant.

New York City – 2011

I tipped back my glass of wine enjoying the last few drops.  I looked around the expansive apartment I owned, feeling grateful for the last seven years and the life I had been able to make for myself and Jackson.

I had been so lost in thought that I didn’t even notice the tears on my cheeks.  I had thought a lot about Nick over the last several days since bringing Jackson home from the hospital. Time seemed to stand still when I allowed myself to go back and relive those months – something I rarely allowed myself to do.  Once I had found out I was pregnant, I had gone into survival mode.  I had done anything and everything to purge any memory of Nick Carter out of my life.  Which was a monumental feat considering the press coverage that him and Paris got regarding their relationship.  Watching that whole train wreck play out across the media was definitely something I could have lived without.  It was so disgusting.  You couldn’t look at a newsstand without seeing pictures of them with their tongues stuck down each other’s throats.  Paris showing up at the recording studio with a cake for Nick with her picture on it.  How lovely.  Nick getting a tattoo of Paris’s name on his wrist.  How’d that work out for you, Nick? I thought.  Then the breakup.  I’d gotten a couple calls from the press on it.  I chose not to comment.  Did I think Nick was capable of hitting her?  Not the Nick I knew. But the Nick I knew didn’t exist anymore – so how was I supposed to know.  I had more important things to worry about. 

I received calls from Leighanne and Kristen about what an ass Nick was.  AJ called several times, but he really was little comfort.  My biggest fear was that one of them or someone would find out I was pregnant.  I didn’t want Nick anywhere near me or the baby with the choices he was making and the life he was leading.  I had enough things to worry about.  Like how I was going to graduate six months pregnant and support myself and a child.  But I did it.  I graduated and went straight to work for Calvin Klein.  Lila and I lived in a small apartment up on the west side of Manhattan – it was literally the size of a closet.  But we kept going.  Jackson Carter Raine was born three months later.  Named after the town of Jackson, New Jersey where I had grown up.  I gave him the middle name Carter so he would always carry a piece of his father – even if he never knew it.

Within two years, my line “Thunder and Raine” had taken off beyond anything I could comprehend.  The best day of my life was when Paris Hilton’s stylist called and said Paris was ‘willing’ to wear one of my creations to walk the red carpet at the American Music Awards.  I politely declined telling her she wasn’t right for our image.  Her publicist was speechless as I politely ended the call.  I didn’t need Paris Hilton – I had plenty of others that wanted to wear my clothes.  I moved into my own studio and began other lines as well.  Within three years I was successful beyond my wildest dreams.  I had my first showing during New York fashion week on my 25th birthday.  It was crazy.  Wealth came along with the fame and I was able to afford a beautiful penthouse suite on the Upper West side of Manhattan along with a lot of other things.   Jackson and I wanted for nothing.  The best thing was, I did it all on my own.

Through it all, very few people knew about Jackson.  I wanted to keep it that way.  I kept him out of the spotlight.  After Nick’s horrific relationship with Paris and the fallout from their breakup I decided he wasn’t the right person to be in Jackson’s life.  The train wreck of a reality show “House of Carters” solidified my decision.  Over the last several years I had thought about telling Nick, but how do you really do that.  “Hey, haven’t talked to you in a long time – but thought I’d call to let you know you were a father.” To be honest, my life was perfect and I liked it that way.  Bringing Nick back would only complicate matters, on a lot of levels.  Besides, who knows if he even would have wanted to be involved.  I’m not going to say I didn’t keep up with him.  I did see that he had a pretty bad health scare a couple years ago and seemed to get his life together.  Good for him. As for me and Jackson, our life was perfect, until that horrific day a year ago.

Meg, Jackson’s live in nanny had called to tell me he was running a fever.  Not too concerning considering it was January and he was in school.  I figured he’d caught a virus from one of his friends.  When his 104 degree fever didn’t subside after a week, the doctor’s grew concerned.  Test after test was done and we received the devastating diagnosis.  Leukemia.  Treatment after treatment we’ve gone through over the last year.  First, something worked, then it would stop – then we’d try something else, then that didn’t work.  So frustrating.  I would have switched places with him in a second.  Then last weeks devastating prediction.  Jackson had 18 months to live if we didn’t find a stem cell donor – a biological sibling the only likely match.

I ran my fingers through my hair and took a deep breath.  I had a plan, I just needed a way to accomplish it.  I heard the familiar ring of my cell – Lila’s specific ring.

“Hey,” I said softly answering the phone.

“Whit, you’re never going to believe it – I had to call you right away,” I heard her shout in the phone. 

“Where are you, Li?” I raised my voice a little.  I could hear a lot of commotion in the background.  I figured she was at one of her events.  She worked for one of the most successful PR firms in the city, and she was the head promoter for a lot of events.

“Don’t worry, something for Diddy tonight…” she explained.  “That’s not why I’m calling.  I had to call you right away – let me get somewhere quiet.” I waited a few seconds and I heard the background noise quiet down.

“You’re never going to believe who I just got off the phone with tonight – have you been paying any attention at all to the trade pages lately?” she asked.

“Not really, I’ve kind of turned things over at the studio the last couple of weeks to Jeff…” I said.  Jeff was one of my most trusted employees.  In my line of work, you had to follow the trade papers to know what was coming up, what was going on so you could be ready to design for anyone at a moments notice.  Plus, you also stayed up on all the gossip.

“Well,” Lila began.  “The New Kids on the Block and the Backstreet Boys have formed some sort of super group.  They’re playing the Garden here two weeks from tonight.  Then afterwards, apparently Nick and Howie do an afterparty – and guess who’s heading that up?  Yours truly. So, do with that information what you will – but you know you’ve got a VIP pass if you want one – and your name doesn’t even have to go on the list – so Nick will have no idea you’re going to be there….”

“Have I ever told you how much I love you…” I said excitedly.  The stars were aligning after all.

“You don’t need to,” Lila said.  “Let’s just get my godson better.  I’ll call you tomorrow”.

I hung up the phone and stared into the twinkling lights of my gas fireplace, listening to the sounds of the city, fifty six floors below.  Would my plan really work?  It had to, there was no other way.  I would save my son , no matter what.

“Mommy, you look like a princess…” Jackson was running around my room chasing our cat as I got ready for a night on the town.  Not just a night, the night.  The last two weeks had flown by and tonight was the first time I was going to see Nick in over eight years.

"Thanks, little man,” I laughed as Giovanni put the finishing touches on my hair.  I wasn’t wearing it wavy as I had years ago.  My long, auburn hair was cut into long, flowing layers.  I had finally gotten it to the length I wanted.  Giovanni was the head stylist for all my shows – I trusted him implicitly and he knew how important tonight was.

“You look amazing if I don’t say myself,” he laughed as he ran shine oil through my hair one last time.  “Chrissy did an excellent job with your makeup as well.”  She had smoked up my eyes and grazed a hint of pale pink lipgloss over my lips.  I was wearing a tight, black off-the-shoulder tube dress with a rhinestone choker and earrings.  Black, thigh boots completed the look.  I ran my hands through my hair one last time and looked at myself in the mirror.  I hadn’t dressed like this in years.  It was actually kind of refreshing. 

I heard my cell ring and knew it was Lila, I picked up and could tell she was already at the club. 

“The concert should be over right about now,” she said.  I sent a limo for you, it should be downstairs right now.  “Are you ready for this?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” I said shakily.  The butterflies in my stomach belied my words.  “I have to be…”

“Well, I’ve told you for years, it’s about time he should know about Jackson,” Lila informed me.

“Mmmmmmm, don’t worry Li, everything will work out as it should, I’ll see you in a few – I can come in the back, right?” I asked her again.

“Yeah, come in the back – Nick and Howie are making their entrance through the front – so he won’t see you until you’re ready.  From what I understand they’re going to do a warm up with the crowd, Nick’s going to DJ and maybe sing a song or two off his new solo stuff, other than that – they’re just going to hang out.”

“Okay, sounds good…I’ll be there in about half an hour,” I hung up.  As I walked through my apartment I stopped quickly in my office to look at a few things.  My desk calendar caught my eye and I quickly counted again as I had been counting over and over the last couple of  days. 

I smiled softly to myself.  The stars were aligning.  One last glance in the mirror, final instructions to Meg for the evening and I was downstairs getting in the limo.  As we drove downtown to the club, I allowed myself to relax and take in the sites of my beloved city.  I couldn’t imagine living anywhere else. 

I instructed the driver to pull up to the back.  I could see that there was a small red carpet out in front and a crowd anticipating the arrival of Nick and Howie.  I had walked enough red carpets over the last couple of years – I wasn’t missing anything.  I walked in through the back and familiarized myself with the club.  Lila quickly walked up to me and handed me my pass.  She had a headpiece on and was barking instructions at someone.  I could tell she was in work mode.

“There’s a roped off area off to the side, you can sit back there.  Anything you want or need is on the house, I’ll try to find you in a little while once I get the guys in and the show rolling.” She said as I made my way over to the small VIP area.  There were several fans in there that had probably paid a lot of money to be there.  I walked over to the table in the far corner, in the shadows and sat down.  I drew a couple of curious looks, probably because I was by myself – but I didn’t care.  I was glad no one had recognized me.  A waitress came over and took my drink order.  It was obvious she had already been told my tab was on the house.  I had already had a couple of glasses of wine at the house.  I knew I would need something to calm my nerves.  I ordered a vodka and cranberry and sat back to wait.

As the waitress was bringing over my drink, I heard the music ramp up and the crowd start to go wild.   They were here.  My heart began to race and my hands began to shake.  I took the glass from the waitress, chucked the little cocktail straw out of my drink and threw it back, taking it down in three gulps.  Classy, I thought to myself.  I set it down on the table and motioned the waitress for another one.  “Get ahold of yourself, Whitney,” I thought to myself. 

One of the girls in front of me started to scream.  “There they are!!!” she yelled as her and her friends jumped up and down in excitement.  I looked up and there was Nick, followed by Howie – and a very, very tall brunette.  “That’s Howie’s wife…” I thought to myself, but any hopes of that were dashed when Nick leaned over and gave her a quick kiss on the lips.  “Oh my God…” I thought to myself.  In all of my plans, all of my plotting – I hadn’t thought to factor in another woman.  How could I have been so stupid?  This was Nick after all. 

Nick and Howie moved up to the second floor DJ booth and began working the crowd.  I took the moment to stare at him from the shadows – momentarily forgetting my other problem.  After all these  years, he still took my breath away.  When I had left him in that driveway – I hadn’t realized it then, but I was leaving a boy.  He had turned into an amazingly, beautiful man.  His features which eight years ago were considered striking had been refined and sculpted over the years.  The years had been good to him.

“You ready for this…” Lila slid into the seat next to me.

I turned to her, “are you kidding? He’s here with another woman.  I hadn’t even thought about that.” I said to Lila as the waitress set my third cranberry and vodka down on the table.  Liquid courage.  “There’s no way I’m getting close to him.” I said running my fingers through my hair.  Nick was now spinning Everybody on the floor and the girls were going crazy.  I looked around but didn’t see the woman that Nick was with. She must be up in the booth with him. There was no way this was ever going to work.

“I’ve got you covered,” Lila said interrupting my thoughts.  She grabbed my hand.  “I just met her, she’s pretty uppity and I think she likes the fact that she’s here with Nick – I’m going to distract her once Nick gets off the DJ table.  There’s a small room behind the DJ booth upstairs.  Go wait behind the stairs and I’m going to go talk to Nick and her.  I’m going to bring her downstairs and when you see him head into that room, follow him….” She led me towards the back stairs leading up to the DJ booth.  Music was pounding in my ears, the strobe lights flashing around the room somehow calmed my senses.  I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest.

I watched from downstairs as I saw Lila go in the booth.  She went up and whispered in Nick’s ear for about thirty seconds.  I could see him nodding and talking back to her in an intense conversation.  She patted his arm and moved over to the girl.  I sunk back in the shadows as I saw her walking back down the stairs with the brunette.

“There are a tons of fans that want to meet Nick Carter’s girlfriend,” I could hear her explaining.  Do you think you could take a few minutes to do some pictures with them?” She looked over towards me and mouthed the word “GO!!!”. 

I quickly ran up the stairs just as I saw Nick walk out of the DJ booth and down the short hallway.  He had his cell phone up to his ear.  He walked into the small room that Lila was talking about.  I saw him try to flip on the light, but it didn’t work. He walked over to the small window  - the only light coming into the room.  “Hey man, the promoter said you had an urgent issue about our appearance in the morning and that I need to call you – nice that you’re not answering…” He said.  I saw him shut his phone off and continue staring out the window.  Probably enjoying one of his first moments of quiet of the day.

He still hadn’t heard me as I stood silently watching him in the pale glow from the window.  I wasn’t even sure I was going to be able to find my voice.  I stepped towards him, his back still turned to me.

“Nick….” I said softly as he turned around, instant recognition registering on his shocked face.

“Whitney….,” he whispered hoarsely – his eyes filling with tears.

Chapter 12

Nick slowly stepped towards me.  “Is it really you?” he whispered. 

“Yes, Nick…” I smiled shyly, “it’s me…” I stepped towards him meeting him halfway in the dark room, lit only by the streetlights outside.  He slowly raised his hand and stroked my cheek. 

"Whit, I….I, oh, Whitney…I’m so sorry,” he said his voice slightly breaking.  “I wasn’t myself, the drugs…I was awful…I tried to call you, to tell I was sorry…I’ve thought about you so many times over the years…I never wanted to lose you…”

“Shhhhh….” I said raising my finger to his lips.  “that’s not important now, that’s not why I came….” My emotions were starting to get the better of me.  I couldn’t seem to form the words.  Nick cupped my face in his hands, I raised my hands and stroked his wrists, staring into his eyes.  He was more beautiful than he ever had been.   His features more chiseled, more refined than they had been 8 years before.  He had lost weight but built up muscle.  I lowered my hands and placed them against his sculpted chest.

“You came…that’s what’s important.  I didn’t think I’d ever see you again.  I’m so proud of you, Whitney…you, God – I can’t believe you’re standing right here.” Overcome with emotion Nick stopped talking and rested his forehead on mine.  We stood there for a minute, listening to the sound of labored breathing.  I could hear the beat of music and the crowd in the background, but at that moment I felt like we were the last two people on Earth.

“Nick, I….I need to tell,” I started to say as Nick pulled my face towards his.  His lips capturing mine in a heated kiss.  All rational thought escaped my mind as my body began to respond.  I eagerly allowed him to deepen the kiss.  He abruptly pulled back.

“I….I’m sorry…” he whispered, pulling me into his chest.

He had lit me on fire.  I pulled his face back down wanting more of what he had offered.  I ran my fingers through his hair as he kissed me again.  His hands beginning to wander.  He picked me up as I wrapped my legs around his waist.  My back slammed into the wall as I let out a soft gasp.  He looked into my eyes as though asking for permission.  I silently nodded as I pulled him in for another kiss.  I couldn’t get enough of him.

Setting me down gently, he pulled me into his arms –it felt so familiar, like I had never left.  This man was my drug and he had been.  Who was I kidding?  I wasn’t a saint through the years, but it had never been like it was with Nick when I was with other men.  Our bodies were made for each other.  I felt Nick’s hand move up between my legs as I raised my knee feeling his desire.  Our breathing intensified.  I felt Nick’s hand hook around the tiny string holding my thong together and with an expert tug, it was gone – discarded on the floor. 

I reached between the two of us and fumbled with his belt, making quick work of it and shoving his pants down just far enough to get me what I wanted.  Nick pushed my dress up, picked me up and brought me down hard, filling me up as I gasped.

“Oh God….” I said as I wrapped my arms around him.  This was animalistic.  He began to thrust hard as I wrapped my legs around him and began to race with him to our release.

“God forgive me…” I heard Nick say as he lowered his lips to mine in a hungry, feverish kiss – our tongues locked in a duel neither of us wanted to lose.  I pulled away and began devouring his neck, relishing in the familiar taste of him – reaching under his shirt I raked my nails up his back. 

The release was quick, but intense and explosive and I felt him shudder and threw  my head back as I felt his throbbing within me cease.  The sweat was beading on his forehead as he looked down at me.  He kissed me softly on the forehead.

“Nick…” I whispered gently. “I’ve missed you so much…” He reached up and entwined my hand with his.

“Did I hurt you baby?” He asked with a concerned look on his face.

“Not at all…I think that has been building up for eight years.” I smiled.  I needed to get my wits about me.  I had lost all track of time.  “ I didn’t come here tonight for that….” I began as I stared to pull myself together.  “I need to tell you…”

“Tell me what?” Nick asked as I took a deep breath.  As I was about to begin, I saw a streak of light flash over Nick’s face and a shadow against the wall. 

“Nick?” I heard an unfamiliar voice ask.  My heart leapt into my throat.  “Are you in here?” It was the brunette from earlier walking into the room.  My eyes met with hers as I felt Nick pull away from me.  “Just what the hell is going on in here,” she demanded.

“Lauren….” Nick began.  She was standing between me and the door - and she was considerably taller than me.  Although Nick and I had managed to put ourselves together, it was still obvious that she had walked into the middle of something.

“I need to go…” I said as I began walking out of the room.  I felt her try to grab my arm as I pulled away.

“What the fuck is going on?” she asked as I started to run out of the room.  I heard Nick call my name but I just kept on going.  I ran down the stairs and out of the club.  I ran out the back and found the limo from earlier.  I got in, I hadn’t even told Lila I was leaving.  Thank goodness I had grabbed my purse on the way out.  All I wanted to do was get home.

I could hear my phone going off.  I didn’t want to talk to anyone.  Not even my best friend.  I needed to process what had just happened before I could even think of talking to anyone else about it.  The driver pulled up to my building and I got out as fast as I could.  I waved a quick hello to the doorman and got into the elevator before the tears started falling. 

Letting myself in the apartment I was glad to see Meg had already gone to bed.  By this point, all my makeup had probably run down my face.  I went in to Jackson’s room and sat down in the chair next to his bed, watching his rhythmic breathing.  What would I do if I lost him?  He looked so beautiful, calm, peaceful.  It was hard to believe a horrific monster existed within this perfect little angel – that would eventually kill him unless I had a way to stop it.  I don’t remember how long I sat in the chair next to his bed, but I must have dozed off.  I woke up and looked at the clock, it was 3:30 a.m.  I stood up to walk out of the door when something caught my eye.

Walking over to the chair in the corner I picked up Jackson’s baby blanket and ran my fingers over it.  I had made this for him before he was born.  I had used Nick’s Tampa Bucs t-shirt, so he’d always have a piece of his daddy.  “I think I need this more than you do tonight, buddy…” I said as I took the blanket making my way to my bedroom.  I stripped down and put my pajamas on and slid into my huge, empty king sized bed.  I balled up the baby blanket and wrapped my arms around it, crying myself to sleep.

I rolled over and covered my eyes, shielding them from the bright sunlight as someone very rudely pulled my blinds open.  My head was pounding, my mouth was dry and I felt like total shit.  Bits and pieces of the night started flooding back and I tried to process everything.  Was it a dream?  Some of it?  All of it?  Did I really see Nick?  Did I really do what I think I did….

"You’re lucky you have a fabulous nanny,” I heard Lila say as I looked over at her.  She was already perfectly put together wearing a black pencil skirt and pink button down shirt.  I put my head in my hands.

“Please remind me why I told the doorman downstairs you could come in at any time.” I said rubbing my eyes and trying to get my bearings.  I knew I shouldn’t have been annoyed with her, but I was.  If I woke up, I had to deal with the ramifications of what had happened the night before.  Plus, I hadn’t been hungover like this since college.  I needed to brush my teeth.

“Three words, Whitney…what, the, fuck?” she asked sitting down on the bed.  “I have been trying to call you all night.  You ran out, Nick never did end up doing any solo songs – he stormed out after you left with whoever that chick was barking at him, and poor Howie – I don’t think he knew what the hell was going on.”  That brought a half smile to my face.   Poor Howie, some things never change.

I ran my fingers through my hair and looked over at her.  “Oh, Lila…I don’t even know where to start…” I said getting out of bed.  I pulled a pair of yoga pants on over my underwear and left my lace tank top on.  I pulled my hair up in a loose bun.  I heard a knock on the door and Meg poked her head in. 

“Thought you could use some coffee,” she said smiling, bringing a tray in for me.

“What would I do without you?” I smiled at her.  “At least she loves me…” I said pointedly to Lila.  “Jackson get off to school okay?” I asked Meg who nodded and left Lila and me to finish our discussion. 

“I need to cancel some meetings today…” I began to say to Lila.  I was in no shape to do anything today.

“What’s this?” Lila asked picking up the baby blanket I had slept with the night before.  I grabbed it from her and held it to my chest.  I collapsed over sideways on the bed.  She knew exactly what it was.

“Girl…I don’t even know where to start…” I said trying to figure out how much I really wanted to tell her.  She knew me too well, though.  She’d get it out of me eventually. 

“How about you start from where I took Miss Thing downstairs…” she suggested.

“I guess I was pretty hammered by that point.  I went up the stairs and from what I could gather, you had told Nick he needed to call someone because he had left the DJ booth to go into the room right behind it.” Lila nodded, I continued.  “He was pretty surprised to see me, I’m not even sure he knew what to say – it was pretty emotional.” My heart started beating really fast, reliving the evening before.  The first kiss in over eight years, feeling him so  close to me, being with him again – mind, body and soul.  “I….I got so caught up in it Li, we both did – everything came flooding back – the feelings for him – it was like the last eight years never even existed.  All I wanted was for him to hold me – I couldn’t get enough of him…” My eyes started to mist over.  I could feel a good cry coming on, I tried to catch my breath.  Lila’s expression softened somewhat.  She remembered how much Nick had meant to me.

“So what happened?  Why did everyone freak out and run?  Did you tell him about Jackson?” I shook my head. 

“I was just getting ready to when she walked in…” I began.

“Why should that have stopped you?” Lila asked growing annoyed again.  “I can’t believe after all the planning, orchestrating, everything I did so you could see him…and you don’t even do what you needed to do.”

“LILA….” I said raising my voice.  We never fought, you could tell she was taken aback.  “If you would shut it for a second and listen to me…I could tell you.  The reason I didn’t get a chance to tell him was because his girlfriend walked in just as we got done having sex….”  Lila’s mouth hung open.  “It just happened.  I couldn’t have stopped it if I had wanted to – and to be honest, I didn’t.  But now…I feel like I did all over again all those years ago.  He’s with someone else now – I don’t know how serious it is, we didn’t talk about it – I don’t even know if I would ever even want to start something with him again…” I was rambling. I put my head in my hands, the silence in the room so thick you could cut it with a knife.

After a few minutes, Lila looked over at me.  “You still need to tell him, Whitney…he needs to know about Jackson – he may be able to help…” she said softly.  “They’re still in town, Whitney – go to him.  From what you’re saying, he still loves you.  HE NEEDS TO KNOW.”  Lila had thought from day one that I should tell Nick.  Over the years, she understood why I had never told him – and she always supported my decision unwaveringly.  But I knew how she really felt.  “If you don’t tell him, Whitney – I might…”

“He may not need to know, Lila….”  I said interrupting her.  “If my calculations are correct, I may be pregnant with Jackson’s sister or brother…”

“Well….it’s killing me, what’s the verdict?” Lila yelled at me from my bedroom.  I sat down on the toilet for a few seconds to gather my thoughts.  I had wanted this so bad.  Wasn’t that my plan all along?  I had meticulously planned this – and Nick happened  to be in town at the right time.  I knew if we did what we did, what would happen.  So why was I so surprised.  There were so many things I hadn’t been able to admit to myself up until now, so how could I admit them to anyone else?

I didn’t want to tell Nick about Jackson because I was so scared that he would reject us, that he wouldn’t want anything to do with him…or me.  Sure, right after our breakup it really was about the fact that Nick was a fuck up.  Getting involved with the drugs, Paris Hilton, all the partying – who would want their child around that?  Truth be told, Nick probably wouldn’t have cared anyway back then.  But I knew that now – now he would.  He had to be told – and I needed to accept the fall out.  He had one child already, and another on the way, and he didn’t know about either of them and that wasn’t fair to him – or the babies.

I walked out into my bedroom.  I silently held up the white stick with the blue plus sign on it.  Lila’s mouth dropped open.  “Damn…” was all she could mutter.  “Whitney…” she began.  I put my hand up to stop her. 

“I’m going to tell him…” I said finishing the sentence she was already going to say.  “I’m going to look up their tour schedule and head out to their next stop, I know he needs to know – and I can’t do this over the phone…”  I felt sick to my stomach.  Nick had tried to reach me in the aftermath of our little rendezvous a couple of weeks ago.  A bouquet of pink roses had been sent to my design studio and both he and who I was guessing was their tour manager had called there several times.  I’m pretty sure it wasn’t going to be difficult to get in touch with him.   But I didn’t want to call.  If I was going to do this, I was doing it in person.

I picked up my laptop off of my nightstand.  I never stopped working and I always had it with me.  Over the last couple of weeks, I had used it for something else.  To see what Nick had been up to the last couple of years.  It wasn’t really hard to find out.  Through researching twitter, some message boards and the internet I found out that the girl he was with that night was named Lauren. They had been together about two and half years – she apparently had a love/hate relationship with the fans with half of them thinking she was the best thing that ever happened to him with the other half thinking she was a gold digging whore who was ruining his life.  My inclination was that both were partly true. I wonder how she was going to take the news that Nick was a daddy?

“They’re going to be in Toronto tonight…” I said to Lila.  “Jackson’s doing well, and that’s not too far in case I need to get back here real quick.  I can get up and back in one night.  What do you think?”

“You’re not going to take him with you?” Lila asked.

“No, no way.  That would be too much for Jackson, and probably Nick to handle.  We need to talk it out.  This is going to rock him to the core, Lila.  I don’t think it’s going to be pretty either…” I sighed.  “Do you want to go with me?” I joked with her, only half kidding.

“You know I’m there if you want me there…” she said.

“No, I need to do this on my own, it’s been way too long.” I said as I pulled a small overnight bag out of my closet.  I picked up my cell phone and called my assistant as I threw a pair of jeans and some other casual clothes in.  I had her get me on the first flight out.  I wanted to get to Toronto before I called Nick.  The element of surprise.

“Chelsea got me on a noon flight out, I think it’s only an hour up there…” My face started to feel hot.  I sat down on the bed and ran my fingers through my hair.  I looked over at Lila.  “I’m really going to do this, I guess,” I looked at her for reassurance.  “Why do I feel like life is never going to be the same…”

“Because it’s probably not going to be…” Lila surmised.  “You need to prepare yourself for this to go any way…you can’t control how Nick is going to react, and if there’s anything I know about you, you like being in control.”

I laughed softly.  “That I do…” I agreed.  “Okay, it’s 9:30 – if I’m going to make that flight out of Kennedy I need to get going…”  I gave Lila a huge hug.

“Let me know as soon as you talk to him…” she said as I threw my bag over my shoulder.  I threw my laptop in my oversized Chanel purse, gave last minute instructions to Meg to have Jackson call me before bedtime and went downstairs to meet the car I’d called.

Since I was flying first class, it didn’t take too long to get through security and get seated.  As I was sitting down, I powered off my phone but not before seeing I had a notification for a text.

Whit – It’s Nick, we really need to talk…call me when you can!

How did he get my cell number, I wondered - but then I figured he had ways, just like I did.  Be careful what you wish for, Nick.  I thought to myself just as a guy sat down next to me.  I had hoped I would have the whole row to myself.  I looked out the window and sighed.

“That didn’t sound very good…” the gentleman that sat down next to me said.  I turned and looked at him, recognizing him immediately.

“Um…you’re…” I began.  I didn’t mean to go paparazzi on the guy,  but the irony of this was incredible.  Unbelievable.

“Shhhhh….I’m going undercover,” he winked at me with a cute smirk.  “Not everyone is as lucky as you and gets to sit next to Donnie Wahlberg…” he said sitting back.  “But I’m the lucky one, getting to sit next to an incredibly cute red head.”

This might actually be an interesting flight after all, I thought, settling in for the ride.

“So, you know my name – I think it’s only fair I know yours,” Donnie said as the plane took off. 

This was going to be complicated I thought to myself.  I had no idea how well Donnie knew Nick.  They could be the best of friends, or they could simply be acquaintances.  Who knew.

“Whitney,” I said extending my hand.  “Whitney Raine.” Donnie shook my hand.

“Have we met before?” He asked. “Your name and face are familiar.”

“I’m a fashion designer…” I began.

“Oh, yeah…that’s right, my ex-wife loved your shit…uh, stuff,” he said with a slight smile.  “She dragged me to one of your shows in New York a couple years ago.  “I, uh, I don’t think your stuff is shit, um I just like to use that word a lot…” he stammered.

“Noted,” I smiled at him.  

I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned back.  Trying to carry on an intelligent conversation with Donnie with everything I had on my mind was a little difficult.  However, I also welcomed the distraction.

“So, Whitney Raine what brings you to the lovely city of Toronto?” he inquired.  The flight attendant came by and took our drink orders.  “Hot tea, please…” Donnie said sweetly to the flight attendant who blushed.  I smirked.  It was pretty funny to watch.  It used to be the same with Nick whenever we went anywhere.

“I’m assuming you have a show tonight…” I said to Donnie, playing stupid.  “The tea…” I said.

“Yeah, I finished up my scenes for Blue Bloods this morning so I could wouldn’t have to go back for awhile.  Are you fan of either group?  I can get you tickets if you want…” he offered.

“That’s sweet of you, really but I just have to take care of some business and probably don’t have time to go to the show…” I replied.  The last thing I needed was to complicate this entire thing with Nick by associating with Donnie.  He did seem like a really nice guy, though.

“Well, how about I get your number then and next time I’m in the city, I’ll take you out to dinner…” he asked.  I let out a little sigh.

“I’d really love to Donnie, but things are pretty complicated for me right now…” I looked down.  “I have a little boy, Fashion Week is coming up in a month – I don’t even know when I’d have time.”

“All the more reason to make a little time for yourself.  I have two boys, I know how it is.” he said.  He placed his hand over mine that was resting on the armrest.  “I’m really sorry about your son.” he said genuinely.  I had told him about Jackson earlier in the flight.

“I’ll tell you what, Donnie, next time you’re in New York, have your people call my people…” We both laughed.  “Seriously, here’s my card – call me at my studio and we’ll see where it goes.”  It was never  going to happen, I knew it.  He would get off the plane and forget all about meeting me I had no doubt.

The fasten seatbelt sign came on and the flight attendants began making their way through the first class cabin and collecting our glasses.  I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed. 

Donnie looked over, “Well, Whitney – whatever business you have here in Toronto, I hope it works out for you.  It’s been a pleasure, and I’ll be in touch…” he said reaching for my hand.  I offered it to him, and he took my hand and kissed it softly.  

“Ha!” I giggled, “my teenage fantasy just came true.” I joked.  

“Fantasy, huh?” Donnie winked.  By this point we were at the gate.  Donnie quickly gathered his things and was rushed off.  I’m sure they had a car waiting for him.  Too bad I couldn’t tell him I was going to the same place he was, I could have caught a ride.  I walked up the jet way and found a quiet area where I could call Nick.  I sat down and calmed myself down for a second before I dialed the number that he had texted me from before.  I figured it was his private cell.  By the third ring, my heart was in my throat.

“Hello?” I heard Nick’s distinctive voice say.

“N-n-nick?” I stammered.  “It’s...”

“Whitney,” Nick whispered.  “I know it’s you…I’ve only been trying to call you for two weeks.  Hang on a second,” he said.  I heard some rustling around and him speaking to someone.  Twenty seconds later he was back. “Okay,” he said.  “I can talk now…”

It was now or never.  “Nick, I need to see you…” I began.  “I’m in Toronto…”

“You’re HERE?” he said loudly.  His voice quieted again.  “Shit, Whitney….”

“I know, Nick…I know, but I need to talk to you.  I need to see you, is there any way I can see you before the show tonight?” I asked.

“It’s two thirty now…soundcheck is at six.  Where are you?” he wondered.

“I’m at the airport but I can meet you anywhere…” I began.

“The buses are parked at the arena, but we’re actually staying across the street tonight in the hotels so we already have our rooms over there and Laur…” Nick stopped.

“It’s okay, Nick…I know”  I assured him.  “I just need to talk to you…”

“Whitney, you’re kind of scaring me,” Nick said.  If he only knew, I thought to myself.  Oh, Nickolas how your world is going to change.  I felt awful.  But I finally had to do this.

“Nick, I don’t want to get into it now, I just need to talk to you,” I stayed strong.  “I tried to tell you that night at the club…” I trailed off.

“I guess we got a little distracted…” he sighed.

“Okay, how about this, I need to stay overnight because I can’t get a flight back until in the morning.  I’ll check into a room at the hotel next door, I’ll text you the room number and you can come over there.  I should be there in about 30 minutes.” I asked him.

“That should work, I’ll just say I have a radio interview or something…” he explained.  “See you in thirty.” He said and hung up.  I knew he would spend the next thirty minutes racking his brains trying to figure out why I was here.  What was so important that I flew up here to talk to him?  I stopped by the bathroom and freshened up.  Thankfully, I was still so early in my pregnancy I wasn’t having the horrific nausea I had had with Jackson yet.  I’m sure it was right around the corner.  I was nauseous, sure, but not because I was pregnant.

I quickly found a car service to get me to downtown Toronto.  To distract myself while I was in the car, I called my office and had my assistant book me a room at the hotel I had told Nick about so I would be able to check in right away when I got there.  The closer we got, the faster my heart started beating.  I had no idea how this was going to go over.  I knew it could open a huge can of worms.  If he really wanted to be involved, Jackson would have to meet him.  

At some point, I would have to deal with the very real possibility that Nick would have visitation.  Of course, all that depended on if Jackson got better.  I shuddered to myself.  Very rarely did I even allow myself to think there was a possibility that I might lose him.  Wasn’t that why I was here in the first place?  Hopefully Nick and I could figure this out, and move forward in the best interests of Jackson.  Hopefully.

The car pulled up to the hotel and I grabbed my bag and purse.  I made my way inside and checked in and got my room key.  I texted Nick the room number and made my way up to the 14th floor.  I threw my bag on the bed and began pacing.  I hadn’t even thought of how I was going to start the conversation.  I looked over at the bed.  Whatever happened, we couldn’t end up there.  Not this time. 

By this point, I was sure I was going to wring the skin off my hands.  It had been twenty minutes since I texted Nick and I hadn’t gotten a response.  I hoped he was able to get away.  A knock at the door interrupted my thoughts.  I slowly walked over and paused for a second before opening the door slightly just to make sure he was alone.  His piercing blue eyes met my gaze.

“Hi,” I whispered softly stepping back allowing him to enter.  “Come on in….”

“Hi,” I said to Nick as he walked in the room.  I shut the door quietly. 

We stood there looking at each other awkwardly for a few seconds, the silence hung thick in the room.  I’m sure Nick didn’t know what to think. 

“I know this is out of the blue, Nick…” I began.  He took a step towards me.  “I don’t even know where to begin…”

“It can’t be that bad, Whitney…” Nick started to say.  My look silenced him. 

“Hey….,” he said gently moving towards me.  He put his arms on my shoulders and looked down at me.  “Is there something wrong?  Do you need help…” he began.  He reached up to stroke my cheek.

“No, Nick...stop,” I said lightly moving his hand away.  I didn’t want him to be nice to me.  “This is probably the hardest thing I will ever have to do.” I still didn’t know how to get the words out.  They weren’t going to come out.  I walked over to my purse and grabbed my iPhone. 

“The reason I came to see you in New York at the club was to tell you something I should have told you years ago.  So many things were left unsaid between us when I found you with Par….with her.” Even after all these years, I still couldn’t say her name.  It made my stomach turn. 

“I don’t blame you, Whitney.  I was so fucked up back then.  I threw away the best thing that ever happened to me.  I should have come after you when I realized it.  I knew it right away, I should never even have stayed with her. But I was such a stupid prick.  It was all about appearances back then.  I was on the A list, we were the golden couple…God, it makes me sick to even think about that.” He sat down on the bed. 

I sat down next to him and faced him.  I hit the home button on my phone and pulled up my pictures.  “You need to know about this, Nick…” I said bringing up a picture of Jackson.  It was one of my favorites taken by one of my best photographers in Central Park.  It was a candid shot and it always reminded me of Nick.  I handed him the phone.  “That’s Jackson…my son.” I whispered.  Nick took the phone and studied it for a minute.  He swallowed hard and looked over at me, recognition registering on his face.

“How old is he?” he said pointedly. 

“He’s seven, Nick – he’ll be eight in August.” I replied simply, lowering my eyes.  I couldn’t look at him.  My heart was pounding in my chest.  “His full name is Jackson Carter Raine.” 

Nick stood up and walked over to the window.  Neither of us said a word.  He began to scroll through the other pictures on my phone.  Studying each one of Jackson.  He turned around slowly.  I couldn’t read his thoughts.  Anger, hurt, resentment – all of the above? 

“You’re telling me I have a seven year old son and you’ve NEVER told me.” He took a deep breath. 

“Nick…” I began.  I put my hand over my mouth, trying to figure out my next words.

“When….when did you find out?   Why didn’t you tell me?  What…” he began.  He had so many questions.  Questions he had a right to ask.  Answers he may not like. 

Tears started to form in my eyes.  “Nick…I didn’t know when I came out for Christmas.  I found out after I got home.  I was devastated by what happened, I didn’t know what I was going to do.  Everywhere I turned, it was your face on the front of magazines.  I couldn’t tell you.  I hated you, Nick.  I didn’t want you to ever know.  I never wanted to talk to you again, or have to see you.” 

“Okay, I get that,” he said, raising his voice.  “But that was a long time ago, you could have told me.  Are you kidding me?   This is bullshit.” He put his hands behind his head and looked down. 

No words were spoken between the two of us.  All I could hear was heavy breathing.  I didn’t know what I should say, could anything make this better.  I stood up and walked over to him. 

“Nick,” I whispered softly walking up behind him.  “There’s more.  He’s sick…” 

Nick turned around, his eyes like daggers.  “What do you mean, he’s sick?” he ran his hands over his face. 

“He was diagnosed with leukemia a year ago.  They…they don’t know how long…,” The tears were streaming down my face.  I reached up to touch him and he pulled away from me,  anger all over his face. 

“And you still couldn’t bring yourself to call me?  Fuck you, Whitney!  Jesus, did you think that low of me?  Am I that revolting to you that you’d think I wouldn’t care about my own son!  YOU of all people know the bullshit I went through my family.  You know I would have done the right thing.  It wasn’t fair for you to make that decision for me.  YOU’RE not the person I thought you were.  You’re a cold, calculating b…”

“I’m pregnant, Nick….” I said simply stopping him in mid-conversation.  “I’m laying it all out this time.  I have no expectations of you.  I’ve done fine with Jack, and I can take care of this baby too….” 

“WHO ARE YOU?” Nick said looking at me with disgust.  “I don’t even know who you are.  How can you just keep your children from their father?  How do I even know it’s mine?” he asked pointedly. 

I felt like he’d slapped me.  There was no will in me to fight back.  “Look, I know I’ve laid a lot on you today, and this might not have been the best way to do it – but I knew if I didn’t do it, I might not ever.  I just…I just wanted you to know.  If you don’t ever want to talk to me again, I understand…” I trailed off. 

“Oh, you’ll hear from me – you can count on that…”Nick walked over to the door.  “But for now, I need to get back to the hotel and figure out how the fuck I’m going to be in a mindset to go on stage tonight after learning all of this.  Thanks for that…” he opened the door.

”Nick, I never wanted it…” I began. "

Save it, Whitney,” he spat out.  “Right now, I can’t even look at you…” he slammed the door and left.  I sank down on the bed, overcome with emotions.    

I laid there for an hour, drifting back to eight years ago – like a movie playing over in my head.  I placed my hand on my stomach and thought of the new life we had created.  How could I have ever thought it was a good idea to bring a child into this?

I stood up and grabbed my bag and purse.  I couldn’t stay here, I had to get out of here.  I knew there was not a flight out that night, but I had to get out of there.   I just wanted to get home to Jackson, to my work, and to my life.  The city was about nine hours away.  If I left now, I’d get home around two in the morning.

I went downstairs and had the concierge arrange a rental car.  It would be dropped off in fifteen minutes so I went outside to wait.  I sat down on the bench and took out my phone trying to call Lila.  No answer so I left a message.

I saw a car pull up from the rental car company and stood up as I walked over to the car, I thought I heard someone call my name.  I looked around briefly but didn’t see anyone.  I thanked the agent and he opened the door for me. 

“Whitney, is that you?”  It was my name someone had called.  I turned around and saw a short man with sunglasses and a hat on.  “It’s me, AJ…is that really, Whitney?” he said opening his arms for a hug.  I hadn’t seen him in seven years. 

“Hi, AJ…” I said quietly. 

He grabbed me in an awkward hug.“Wow, Whitney…” he said in his usual upbeat tone.  “I can’t believe it…what are you doing here?” He asked.  “You know Nick’s over at that…”  

"AJ,”  I shook my head sadly.  “It’s really great to see you, but I can’t talk right now.  I have to leave.  But do something for me, please?  I have already seen Nick.  Please, go find him.  I think he’s really going to need you right now.  I’m so sorry…I can’t go into it anymore…” I quickly got in the car and drove off leaving a very confused AJ standing in the hotel driveway. 

This was not how I wanted this to go at all, I thought to myself as I drove out of the city.  Headed towards home I had nine hours to think.  Where this was going, was anybody’s guess.

It had been two weeks since I told Nick about Jackson and the baby in Toronto.  I had tried to call him several times, but no answer.  No texts, no emails, nothing.  I hadn’t heard a word.  To be honest, I didn’t know what to think.  I really couldn’t believe that he would just go on like normal.  I had really thought I’d hear something from him by now.

Donnie had called a few times and we’d had some brief conversations.   He was fun and easy to talk to.  He made me laugh.  I was fully aware of all the drama in my own life so I didn’t have any unrealistic expectations.  He was becoming a good friend.  I wasn’t sure if that’s what he thought, though.   I hadn’t offered any information about my relationship with Nick, and he hadn’t said anything.    That led me to believe that whatever Nick was thinking or feeling, he was keeping it within his inner circle, whoever that was now.

He was coming back into town that night and wanted to meet for dinner.  We agreed to meet at a quiet deli around the corner from my penthouse.  I wasn’t dressing to impress, so I had put on an ivory, cotton long sleeved t-shirt and a pair of comfortable jeans.  My stomach was starting to tighten up a tiny bit, but I wasn’t showing at all.  I could tell while putting on my jeans, however, that I would be showing a lot sooner than I had with Jackson.  I threw on old pair of leather boots, kissed Jackson goodnight and made my way to the restaurant. 

I walked in and was shown to the back corner by the host.  I could see Donnie sitting at the table fiddling around on his cell phone.  Twittering no doubt, I laughed to myself.  It really was good to see him.  I didn’t go out much, unless I had functions to go to.  Lila was like a sister to me, but she knew so much about me, sometimes it was nice to just go out with another adult and have a quiet evening.

“Hey gorgeous!” Donnie said standing as I walked up.  He pulled me in for a hug and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek.

“Hi,  yourself!” I smiled as I took off my jacket and sat down.  “It’s nice to see you…how’s everything going?”  I ordered a glass of water, Donnie already had a beer in front of him.

“Sure you don’t want anything to drink?” he asked as the waitress walked away.

“Nah, I’m fine…” I said smoothing down my hair.  It was below 30 degrees outside, a cool, crisp New York night.  The waitress returned with my water and we ordered our dinner.

Donnie began telling me about the tour.  It did seem that all of the guys really got along.  They were selling out a ton of shows.  I was really happy for both the groups.  Donnie started talking about some of the pranks they had pulled on each other.  Most of them involved interrupting each others songs wearing slightly inappropriate clothing.  I thought back to the pranks they had pulled on the tour I had been on and laughed.

“It’s been so much fun,” Donnie was saying.  “I had my boys out for a couple days.  My youngest, Elijah, he just had so much fun.  All of the guys have their families with them.  Even Joe’s family – his wife JUST had a baby.  AJ’s fiancée has been there off and on.  I tell you, those two are like twins.  I mean – I’ve never seen two people more made for each other than Rochelle and AJ.  Brian’s wife Leighanne, she took a little getting used to – but I really think she means well.  Then there’s Nick and Lauren…” My ears perked up.  “That kid, I never thought he’d settle down – still not sure he’s going to.  They are off and on all the time.  One minute, she’s threatening to run back to Daddy in LA, the next minute they are happy as clams – I just don’t get it.  I’ll tell you one thing, though…she sticks to him like stink on shit…” Donnie looked over at me.  Imust have looked like I zoned out.  I was trying to let everything sink in.  “Hey…I’m sorry, I’m totally monopolizing the conversation,” he smiled that killer smile at me and winked. 

The waitress had put our food down in front of us and I had started to pick at my sandwich.  I looked up at Donnie and smiled shyly.  “Listen, Donnie – I’ve really enjoyed talking to you the last couple of weeks.  You’ve become a pretty good friend, but before this goes any further I really need to be honest with you about something, and I’m not quite sure how you’re going to take it.”  Donnie’s eyes darkened a bit.  He placed his napkin down on the table and looked at me intently.  “I guess you could say I’m guilty of lying by omission.  That day on the plane you asked what I was doing.  I didn’t know you.  There was no way I could tell you what I was really there for, but I can tell you now – I ended up in the same place as you.  I was going to see Nick.” I said, leaning back and crossing my arms.

"Go on,” Donnie said quietly.

I  started telling Donnie the whole story.  How Nick and I had met, the beginning of our relationship, he listened closely, cringing when I got  to the part about Paris.  “What a dipshit…” he began.

I silenced him by continuing.  “Here’s where it gets bad, Donnie.” I said lowering my voice.  I was sitting in a restaurant with Donnie Wahlberg.  It didn’t look like anyone was around, but you never know in New York City.  The walls have ears. 

“When I got back from New York, I was devastated.  I literally crawled in bed for two weeks and didn’t come out.  Finally, my friend dragged me to the doctor because I was so pale, I had been throwing up even though I wasn’t eating and I just all around looked like shit.  Turned out I was pregnant….”

“Damn…” was the only thing Donnie could utter.

“I’m sure you remember how high profile that whole thing was.  Nick was a mess, he was on who knows what drugs, out all night, drinking.  His family had imploded.  Then he did that ridiculous reality show…all I wanted to do was keep my head above water.  Just be the best mother I could, while I was getting my career going.  It was all I could do to keep functioning.  I didn’t want to throw having to deal with Nick in the mix.  I had no idea what I was going to get with him…” I rationalized.

Donnie nodded.  “I see why you did it.  Then Jackson got sick?”

I let out a deep sigh.  “Yes, I should have called him then.  But I was dealing with so much.  I know that’s not an excuse, but really?  How was that conversation going to go?  Hi Nick, long time no talk – but guess what, congratulations – you’re a daddy!  Oh, and by the way – he’s got a life threatening illness.  Getting Jackson better was and still is my number one

priority.” I said firmly.

“Look Whitney,” Donnie said reaching out for my hand.  “You had to do what you had to do…”

“There’s more, Donnie…” I said interrupting him.  “When you guys were here for the show at the Garden, I went to the afterparty.  I wanted to tell him, I wanted to see if there was anything we could do together to help Jackson.   We….we ended up in a room together, all alone, and...”.  Recognition slowly spread across Donnie’s face.

“Does he know?” he asked quietly.

I nodded.  “He knows everything now.”

“And?” Donnie responded.

“He walked out on me in Toronto and I haven’t heard from him since.” I explained.  “I don’t blame him, I can’t even imagine having something like that laid on me…”

“That explains his mood the last couple of weeks…” Donnie stated.

“Look, Donnie – I completely understand if you don’t want to talk anymore.  Maybe now you understand why I said it probably wasn’t a good thing to talk to me…”

His look silenced me.  “Whitney, I really like you – I’m here for you as a friend. 

My lips are sealed.  I won’t say anything to Carter about what I know.  When he’s ready to talk, I’ll act like I haven’t heard a word.  I also understand the discretion here.  The last thing either of you needs is for this to get out in the rags…”

I nodded.  We had finished eating and Donnie had paid the bill.  “Can I walk you back to your place?” He asked.  I nodded.  He helped me put my jacket on. 

We walked the half block back to my place.  While the doorman was hailing a cab for Donnie, he pulled me into a gentle hug.  “Take care of yourself, Whitney – I’m going to be checking up on you.  Anything you need, let me know.  If you need to talk, yell, scream, cry – just call me.  Remember, what’s meant to be, is meant to be.”

“I will,” I smiled at him.  “Thanks for being a friend.”  He winked at me and got in the cab and drove off.  I made my way upstairs and got ready for bed.  The stress of the last few weeks had really taken a toll, but I slept better that night than I had in a long time.  Just getting everything off my chest was a huge relief. 

The next morning, I woke up early, got Jackson ready and walked him to school.  It was starting off to be a great day and I was really motivated to get into the studio and draw.  I walked in the front door, and waved at the receptionist.

“Hey, Chelsea – I’m going to go into design mode, please hold all my calls,” I smiled at her as I walked by.  She nodded.  I got into my office, grabbed my design book and started sketching.  I must have been drawing intently because I didn’t even hear the phone buzz.  A knock came at the door and I stood up.

“Chelsea, I thought I…” she stood there with a serious look on her face.

“Whitney, I’m so sorry…I tried to tell this man to come back later, but he insisted he see you…” she started to say before she was interrupted.

“Whitney Raine?” the serious looking man in the suit asked.  I nodded.  He handed me a large manila envelope.  “Consider yourself served.” He said before turning on his heel and walking away.

My stomach turned as I took the envelope.  I was hoping upon hope that this was business related, but deep down I knew before I even opened the envelope.  “Damn you, Nick…” I thought to myself as I began to read the documents.  He was suing me for joint custody and visitation of Jackson.

As we made our way through morning rush hour traffic, another wave of nausea hit me. I reached in my purse for a peppermint.  The only saving grace I had in the last two weeks since morning sickness had hit full strength.  Well, all day sickness.  This morning, however, I wasn’t sure if it was that or the fact that I would be facing Nick for the first time since I had told him in Canada that he was Jackson’s father.

“Just breathe,” the woman sitting beside me in the car uttered.  “Everything will work out.”  Melanie said.  Once I had gotten the custody papers from Nick, I had immediately called my business attorney who told me that he was completely unequipped to handle custody matters.  He had, however, passed me along to one of his friends who was apparently one of the best, albeit most expensive family law attorney’s in New York City.  Nick had apparently found the other one, and we were on the way to his lawyers office to hopefully mediate an arrangement.  Both of our attorney’s were sensitive to the fact that we did not want this to play out in the press.  Neither one of us wanted a huge court battle so we had agreed to attempt mediation with a retired judge who would help us come to an agreement.  I did not want to keep Nick from seeing Jackson – I wouldn’t have told him if I did.  But I did want the transition to be smooth and I wanted us to be able to work together to ease him into it. 

I knew it would be a big adjustment for me as well, since I had never had to “share” my child with anyone and every time I thought about, I got sick to my stomach.  I wanted it for Jackson though – he needed his dad.  We pulled up to a large, steel and glass building in downtown Manhattan.  The driver opened the door for us and helped me out.  As I stepped on to the curb, I saw Nick walking in to the building with Lauren at his side.

I looked over at Melanie “there he is,” I said pointing that way.  “He has his girlfriend with him, will she be involved with this as well?  I thought this was between us?” I didn’t need any further complications at this point.

“No, I’ll discuss with James and Judge Howell, but it will just be the two of you in there to discuss the matters, because we are dealing with a minor, everything will be sealed.” I nodded.  The cool, crisp New York air fluttered through my hair.  I took a moment to breath in and exhale, not sure where my emotions would take me once I was inside.  As we stepped in to the lobby, I saw one of the elevator doors shutting with Nick and Lauren inside and sighed with relief.

We got in to our own elevator and Melanie turned to me.  “Now remember what I said, Whitney, let me do the talking.  Nick’s attorney may try and ask you questions directly, but for the most part, don’t respond.  I’ll let you know when you can respond.  Judge Powell is a very fair man, and he will make his decision in the best interests of Jackson.  I’m pretty sure he already has in mind what he’s going to do based on what he’s read from our briefs.”

I nodded.  “I trust you, Mel.  I just don’t want him to think that I want to keep Jack away from Nick – I just want Nick to be aware of the issues surrounding his health…” Mel stopped me.

“I’m on it,” she said.  “I’ve already submitted a statement from Dr. Glassman.  He’s more than willing to meet with Nick and discuss his medical issues.”

  The door to the elevator  opened right into the lobby of Nick’s attorney’s law firm.  I saw a rather large receptionist desk with Nick standing off to the side of it, Lauren clinging to his arm.  I looked away so as not to make eye contact.  I still hadn’t spoken to him since that day in Toronto.  The receptionist must have already called for Nick’s attorney because a tall, distinguished looking man came out from the door behind her desk.  I saw him greet Nick with a handshake and turn towards Melanie.

“Mel…”  he said extending his hand.  “Always a pleasure,” she returned the handshake and took me by the arm.  “James…my client, Whitney Raine,” he shook my hand as well.  “So are we ready?  Judge Powell is already in the conference room.  Would anyone like any coffee?” he asked kindly.  I shook my head.

“James,” Mel said looking at him pointedly and nodding toward Nick and Lauren.  They seemed to exchange a non-verbal understanding.  I saw him walk over and speak to Nick quietly.  Nick nodded and whatever was said, Lauren did not like it.  She turned on her heel and stalked out to the elevator.  Nick ran his fingers through his hair and sighed.  Before we made eye contact I turned an followed Melanie back to the conference room.

We walked in and there was a kind looking older gentleman sitting at the head of the conference table.  I felt at ease immediately, although I was still nervous.  I sat down in one of the large, leather executive chairs next to Melanie.  I could tell by the pile of papers, that Nick and his lawyer were sitting directly across from us.  They seemed to be having a last minute discussion out in the hallway.  He came in and sat down across from me.  For the first time, I made eye contact with him.  The sadness in mine, reflecting in his.  He was wearing a dark, navy suit and a red silk tie.  Even after all of this, the man still took my breath away.  I  nervously shifted in my chair and faced Judge Powell who had begun shuffling some papers.

“Good morning, everyone…” he began.  Melanie pushed her chair back so that she could turn to talk to me, but pay attention to Judge Powell at the same time.  “I’ve taken some time to read over the briefs prepared by both lawyers.  I do understand, based on both of your careers, that discretion is of the utmost importance here, and I want to stress s to both of you that as long as I am involved in this matter, I will not tolerate any leaks to the press on this.  I want you both to agree before we move forward that the most important matter here is the well-being of your little boy.” Nick and I both silently nodded.  Tears began to form in my eye and I blinked them away.  Mel handed me a tissue from the box that had been set out.

Judge Powell continued.  “I’ve read the history here, and I want to set some ground rules as we talk today.  I don’t want anyone to bring up the past.  We are all going to agree that we are going to move forward from this point on, and develop a cohesive support system for this child…” he looked at both of us as we again nodded.  In some ways I felt like I was being scolded, however, I probably deserved it a little.

“Melanie, would you like to start – I see that you sent the offer over to Mr. Carter’s attorney – you can set out what you are proposing and we can begin mediating it from there…” he motioned to her to begin.

“Certainly, Judge Powell,” Melanie started. She handed out copies of the proposal.  “The first thing I want to make clear is that Ms. Raine in no way wants to prevent Mr. Carter from seeing the child.  However, as we discussed in the brief there are several issues which need to be addressed before the child is permitted to visit with him.  The child has not been told that Mr. Carter is his father.  Ms. Raine would like both her and Mr. Carter to discuss this with him, in his own home and ease him in to this transition.  Second, the child has a very serious illness, and Ms. Raine is requesting that Mr. Carter meet with Jackson’s doctor to discuss his medical history and what he should expect, what the child can do and what he can’t do before the child goes with him for visitation.  Finally, until the child is familiar with Mr. Carter, Ms. Raine would like to request that Mr. Carter allow Jackson’s nanny to accompany him – who has already agreed, to ease the transition.  Ms. Raine understands that Mr. Carter has a hectic schedule so she’s agreed to be flexible with visitation when Mr. Carter comes in to town provided he has an appropriate place to keep the child.  That’s all I have…” Nick glanced over at me with a surprised look on his face.

At that moment an intense wave of nausea hit me.  I looked at Melanie, and motioned that I had to leave.  I stood up with my hand over my mouth making my way quickly out the door.  I saw Nick stand, but his lawyer put his hand on his arm.  The receptionist quickly pointed to the bathroom and I went in and promptly threw up.  I leaned up against the stall for a second trying to settle myself down.  I finally made my way out and ran some cold water in the sink, splashing a little on my face.  I went to walk out of the restroom and saw Lauren sitting in a chair in the reception area.  She looked over at me and sadly shook her head.  I didn’t envy her position in this at all. The receptionist held up  a glass of what appeared to be ginger ale.  “Honey, this will help you – it helped me tremendously when I was pregnant – she winked at me.  I heard Lauren gasp as I turned around, seeing her raise her hand to her mouth.  I closed my eyes and winced.  Nick had obviously not informed her of this.  How the receptionist knew, I had no idea – unless had typed up the briefs.  I walked back in to the conference room and sat down.  I had no idea what to say to Nick and if I should even warn him of the shit storm he’d be walking into when he got back outside.  She’d find out eventually, I rationalized.

“Are you okay, Ms. Raine?” Judge Powell inquired as I nodded my head.  “Very well…does Mr. Carter have any objections to what they are proposing?”

Nick’s lawyer leaned forward and began.  “Your honor, we feel  the offer is reasonable.  Mr. Carter is willing to work with Ms. Raine and he agrees they should tell the child together.  He would like to be able to take the child to either Nashville or Los Angeles at some point for an extended vacation…”

Melanie interrupted him.  “Judge Powell, at this time – my client will only agree to Nashville and only if the doctor clears him for travel.  We’d also like Mr. Carter to discuss with Dr. Glassman what medical facilities are available in that area should the child need immediate treatment.”

“Mr. Carter has already spoken to doctor’s at St. Jude’s in Memphis who have agreed to work with Dr. Glassman should the need arrive.” I looked over at Nick in shock.  He’d really researched this.  I felt relief wash over me. 

“I’ll draw up the agreement for your review…” Melanie began when James interrupted her.

“We do have an additional issue that we have not discussed…” he began.  Ms. Raine is several months pregnant with Mr. Carter’s child. 

“I’m aware of that, James. “ Judge Powell stated.  “However, until Ms. Raine gives birth Mr. Carter has no parental rights…”

“Nick is the….” I began but Melanie immediately interrupted. 

“I agree, Judge Powell….we can table  this matter for further discussion at a later date.  If the child is Mr. Carter’s, Ms. Raine will have no issue with visitation…” she stated, as I looked at her strangely.  She knew this child was Nick’ – I didn’t understand why she had said that.  I saw Nick whisper something to his lawyer, who whispered back and patted him encouragingly on his arm.  Nick ran his hands through his hair, clearly not agreeing with what his lawyer said, but nodding anyway.

“Very well,” Melanie said standing up, offering her hand to Judge Powell.  “I’ll get my office to draw this up as soon as possible.  At this point, I believe Mr. Carter and Ms. Raine can make arrangements to discuss this with their son…” she said as she snapped her briefcase closed.  “You have her information?” she asked looking at Nick, who nodded.

I followed Melanie out with Nick and his lawyer trailing behind him.  Lauren was not sitting in the reception area.  I walked over to Nick.  I looked up at him and met his gaze.  “I need to tell you something,” I said as he looked down at me.  He was standing so close I could smell his cologne.  Gravity.  He looked tired.  “When I came out here earlier and rushed into the bathroom, your girlfriend was here.  The receptionist acknowledged that I was pregnant and I heard her reaction.” I saw him wince.  “I’m guessing she didn’t know…” I trailed off.  He shook his head no.  “I am sorry, Nick… I really…”

Nick interrupted.  “That’s not important now.” He said curtly.  “I’ll deal with it.  Can we figure out a time that I can come over and meet Jackson.  I’m in town until Saturday and I would like to do it sooner rather than later so I can spend some time with him.  Besides, I need to meet with his doctor as well.” I nodded.

“I’m really exhausted right now.  Can we make it tomorrow night?” I asked him and he nodded.  “I’ll text you the address..” I said as I made my way toward the elevator.  I got in, and Melanie pushed the button to go down.  As the doors were closing, I met Nick’s gaze one final time.  The depth of emotion emulating from them pulled at my heart.  I hope I was able to emotionally survive the next several days.

I laid back on my huge sofa and soaked in the panoramic view of New York City.  I was completely exhausted and was enjoying the quiet of the evening.  It had been three weeks since we had told Jackson that Nick was his father.  It went far better than I could ever have hoped.  I could only describe the look on Jackson’s face as what you would see on a child’s face on Christmas morning times a thousand.  There was an instant bond, and I felt instantly guilty.  More so than I have ever felt over the years, but I was taking Judge Powell’s words in stride and moving forward and not dwelling on the past.  I would deal with it in my own way.

It tugged at my heart to see Nick and Jack developing a bond.  Nick had flown in several times over the last three weeks and spent several hours per day with Jackson.  For the most part, Meg went with them,  however, she had the night off tonight so Nick had taken Jack by himself down to Times Square to see the Lion King.  I also had heard him mention going to Toys R Us on the way out.  I was sure they’d come back with a lot of packages.  I smiled to myself.  My apartment was big, but not that big.  I hoped Nick would be able to say no.  Jackson could be very convincing when he wanted to be.  Nick and I had not spoken a lot.  There was still some tension in the air.  He hadn’t mentioned Lauren, so I didn’t know what was going on with that.  I was struggling within myself trying to figure out why I even cared.   But I did on some level.  I guess it was only natural to want a family for your children.  But that was a long way off for Nick and I, if it would ever happen.

The buzzing of the doorbell snapped me out of my thoughts.  I got up off the couch and went over to open the door.  It was obviously someone I knew, or the doorman wouldn’t have let them come up without ringing me.

“Hi Mom,” Jackson whizzed past me as I opened the door.  Nick followed behind him.  If I didn’t know any better, he looked a bit exhausted.  He looked at me tentatively and I motioned for him to come in.

“I hope you don’t mind, the doorman let me up because he obviously knows Jackson,” Nick explained.

“Of course, I don’t mind.  Would you like something to drink?” I asked Nick.  I did feel a little awkward.  I didn’t know what to say, and I hadn’t really talked to Melanie about what I should and shouldn’t say to Nick in regards to the case.  I could only hope we were at a point where that wouldn’t matter.  However, you never know.

“Did you guys have fun tonight?” I asked them both. 

“Mom….Mommy, Dad bought me the Lego Death Star!  They’re delivering it tomorrow.” I looked at Nick. 

“Isn’t that thing 3 feet in diameter?” I asked him through clenched teeth.

He smiled apologetically.  “If he can keep it here for awhile until he comes out to Tennessee for a visit, I would appreciate it.  There’s a lot more room out there.”

“That’s not a problem, Nick – but who’s going to help him build it?” I asked with a slight smile on my face.  “I design clothes, I don’t have a contractor’s license.”

He laughed.  “I hadn’t thought about that…” He said.

“Rookie mistake,” I muttered sarcastically.  “We’ll see what we can do.”

“Dad,” Jackson came running in from the hallway and grabbed Nick’s hand.  “Can you put me to bed?” Nick looked at me questioningly.

“That’s up to your mom, little dude” he said as Jackson looked at me with his best puppy dog eyes.

I hoped I didn’t regret this.  “Okay, fine but only one book tonight.”

“THREE!” Jackson countered.  My kid was going to be a lawyer, I laughed to myself.

“Two and that’s the final offer!” I said as Jackson dragged Nick back to his room.  Nick looked at me and silently muttered ‘thank you.’ as Jackson pulled him back to his bedroom. 

I sat back down on the couch and picked up my laptop to answer some work emails.  It was getting harder and harder to stay awake at night because I was getting so exhausted with the pregnancy.  My first pregnancy was so easy, but I guess being 8 years older was taking its toll on me.  I leaned my head back to rest my eyes.

The next thing I knew, I heard Nick whispering and gently shaking my shoulder.

“Whitney….” He said softly.  “You must have fallen asleep.”  I looked at the clock on my laptop.  It was a little after 11:00 o’clock.

“You’ve been here two hours…” I looked at him puzzled.

“I kind of fell asleep too,” Nick confessed.  “I was reading a story to Jackson and the next thing I knew, I looked over and the clock said eleven o’clock.  I’ll admit, he kind of tired me out…”

I laughed softly.  “He can do that.” I agreed.  I started to stand up.  “I’ll walk you out.”   Nick instinctively offered me his hand.  I looked up to him and took it.

I opened my mouth to say something and Nick began speaking at the same time.   He motioned to me to talk first.

“Nick, I just want you to know, I’m so sorry about everything.  I really am. If Melanie knew I was saying all this to you right now, she’d probably kill me, but I need to say it.  I feel horrible that I kept Jackson from you.  There was so many times I wanted to call you, but I talked myself out of it everytime, for different reasons.  There were the obvious reasons in the beginning, but now I should admit that some of it came from the fact that I wanted to punish you so bad for what you did to me with Pa…with her.  Then it just reached a point that I felt too much time had gone by.  I didn’t know how you would react, and I…I just didn’t know.  Then he got sick and the whole thing changed…” I trailed off.

Nick sat there silent for a few minutes.  Neither one of us speaking.  I didn’t know what he was thinking and his face was unreadable.  “It would be really easy to blame you too, Whitney, but a lot of this is my fault too.  I was out of control back then.  That summer I met you, I felt like you saved me.  I tried to say no, to Paris…I did, but I was so weak – I’ve wondered so many times over the years where I would be, if I hadn’t of done what I did…”

“There’s no way to know, Nick.  Like the Judge said, we just need to move forward.  We can’t think about the past.  I was so young…” I said.

“I was so stupid,” Nick countered.

The conversation was starting to get a little heavy for my tastes.  I shifted gears.  “How long are you in town for this time?” I asked him.

“Until Sunday, I’d like to have Jackson on Saturday if that’s alright.” He started towards the door.

“Of course,” I nodded.  “Meg is off Saturday’s and Sunday’s of course.  So it will be just you two again, if you can handle it.” I winked at him.

“I think I’m game…” he smiled.  “By the way, how’s the other little one….” He said nodding at my stomach. 

I reached up and placed my hand on my stomach.  “We’re right at sixteen weeks,” I answered him.  “ A couple more weeks and I can find out what we’re…I’m…having” I stammered awkwardly.

Nick looked at me seriously.  “Whatever the lawyers want to say, we both know that’s my baby.” I nodded silently.  He reached over very softly and touched my stomach.  “I’ll be there for this one.” He said looking me in my eyes.

“It’s getting late, Nick…” I said as he reached for the door.   I stood there silently not knowing what to do.  He didn’t seem to want to leave.  Finally he reached for me and pulled me into an awkward hug.  Awkward at first, because as soon as he enveloped me in his arms, I allowed myself to relax for the first time in weeks.  I let out a deep breath.

“This feels right,” Nick whispered softly in my ear.  I allowed my arms to wrap around his waist and melted into him as I closed my eyes.  I escaped from life for a few moments.  Pulling  back, Nick looked down at me as he reached up to stroke my cheek.

“We’ll figure this out, Whitney,” he whispered as I lowered my forehead to rest on his chest.  He kissed the top of my head.  I looked up into his eyes as his lips began to descend on mine.  As my heart leapt into my throat, we were interrupted by the vibrating iphone in Nick’s pocket.  As he pulled it out, I saw the name clearly on the caller ID.  LAUREN. 

I pulled back from Nick’s arms as he hit decline on the phone, sending it to voice mail.  “We’ll see you Saturday,” I said to him as I reached for the doorknob, opening it for him.

“Yeah,” he said running his hand over his face, clearly frustrated.  At what, I didn’t know.  “I’ll call you to give you a better idea of the time.”

“Good night,” I said as I shut the door.  I made my way into my bedroom and crawled into my the massive, lonely king size bed.  Pulling the covers up around me, I drifted off into a fitful sleep, completely confused, utterly exhausted and surprisingly hopeful.

It had been a relaxing Saturday all to myself.  Meg had taken Jackson over to Nick’s hotel earlier in the day on her way out of town for the weekend.  It made me smile to see how excited Jack was to be spending the day with Nick. Jackson was asking when he could spend the night with his dad, so I figured when he dropped him off that night, I would discuss it with him.  I had spoken with Melanie the morning after Nick had brought Jackson home and told her things were going well.  She seemed cautiously optimistic but warned me to keep my guard up.

I looked over as I heard my cell phone go off.  “Hey you…” I said answering it when I saw who it was.

“Hey there,” Donnie’s smooth, deep voice said.  Donnie and I spoke pretty regularly.  He had become a really close friend over the last couple of months.  He had a crazy shooting schedule with Blue Bloods so we hadn’t seen much of each other, but I had met up with him a couple of times for a hotdog in Central Park with Jackson while he was on break shooting scenes.  “What are you doing right now?” he asked.

“Just relaxing at home watching some stupid Lifetime movie,” I replied.  “Jackson’s with Nick…”

“Well, I’m right around the corner shooting a location shot, I was calling to see if you were doing anything in about an hour – how about I bring some carryout over and satisfy some of those pregnancy cravings?” he asked.

“I think Nick’s dropping Jackson off around nine, so that would be fun…” I answered him. 

“What’s your request?” He laughed. 

“How about some Thai…” I responded.

“Done, see you in an hour…” he said hanging up.

I went to take a quick shower to make myself look presentable.  I threw on a pair of yoga pants and a soft, light blue v-neck t-shirt.  I looked down at my growing bump.  You could definitely tell I was pregnant at this point.  In two short weeks, I would know what I was having.  More importantly, I would know if my little surprise would have the potential to save Jackson’s life.  Dr. Glassman had already spoken with my doctor and they had agreed that I was at an extremely low risk and that doing the tests to determine if the baby would be a match would be fine.  I was both excited about this and extremely nervous.  It was our last hope.

I had called downstairs to tell the doorman to let Donnie up when he arrived.  The doorbell rang at exactly 6:30.  He was always on time.  “Hey sweetie,” he said as he walked in the door.  “How are things going?” he put the food down on the table and pulled me into a friendly hug.

“I’m good…” I said as I started to pull down some plates and put them on the counter.  “Things are going well with Nick, no drama so far…” I pulled a beer out of the refrigerator and threw it to  him.

“Thanks, babe…” he said catching it.  “What way do you think things are headed with Nick?” he asked me.

“You know, Donnie, honestly I don’t even really have time to think about it.  With the Jackson’s stuff going on, running the business and now this little surprise…” I trailed off as I rubbed my stomach.  “…I haven’t even given myself much a chance to process it.  Plus, I don’t know what’s going on with Lauren.”

“I don’t think Nick knows what’s going on with them half the time…” Donnie smirked.  “That was like a soap opera on tour.  She was always pissed, he was always pissed.  One night, she actually kicked AJ off his own bus so she could ride with Rochelle.  So AJ had to go ride with Nick, and it was just ridiculous.” He started to laugh.

I couldn’t help but laugh with him.  “I can’t really say anything bad about her, I haven’t seen her that much.  I do know that I don’t want her around Jack until Nick and I talk about it.  If he’s serious about her, that’s one thing, but if it’s going to be off and on, I don’t want him confused…”

Donnie nodded.  “Been there done that, I don’t bring girlfriends around my boys and I don’t plan to until someone’s got a ring on their finger.  So, everyone better put their parka’s on because that’s not happening until hell freezes over,” he chuckled.

“Donnie…don’t say that, you’re going to make someone really happy someday,” I smiled at him.

“Any chance that would be you?” he asked, his eyes twinkling.  “I’m just joking with you…” he said pulling me over towards him.  “I just enjoy hanging out with you, you’re almost like the little sister I never had…” he said.

“I feel that way too…” I said giving him a kiss on the cheek.  “I’m glad I have you for a friend.”  We turned on the TV and I made him watch an episode of the Real Housewives of New Jersey. 

“This shit is ridiculous,” he laughed.

“I watch it as an escape, I love trash TV” I joked with him as the doorbell rang.  I looked over at the clock, it was only 8:15. 

“I wonder who that is,” I said getting up.  I answered the door and Jackson came bounding in nearly knocking me down with 4 helium balloons. 

“Hi, mommy,” he said excitedly running back to his room.  Nick walked in the door, and I immediately realized he wasn’t alone.  Standing behind him, holding his arm possessively was Lauren.

The silence hung thick in the room, as my eyes darted to Nick’s, whose eyes had darted to Donnie’s. 

“Well, this is interesting,” said Nick sarcastically, breaking the silence.

“I was just thinking the same thing,” I said dryly crossing my arms, looking at Lauren.

“Hey, Whitney…” Donnie said coming from around the back of the couch.  “I was just getting ready to head out, I’ve got an early call tomorrow.  I’ll give you a call later…” he said making a hasty retreat to the door. 

“Nick,” he said nodding as he walked by Nick, who looked like he didn’t know what to say.  He looked at me to say something, but then he realized that Lauren was still behind him.

“Hello,” I said extending my hand to her.  “We really haven’t been properly introduced. She looked was though she wasn’t sure if she wanted to shake my hand or slap me.  Nick just looked like he had swallowed something that he really didn’t like.  What did he expect though, really?  He hadn’t even warned me.

“Dad,” Jackson came running out of the back of the apartment.  “Come see the Death Star, I started building it…” he looked at me and I nodded my permission for him to go back to Jackson’s room.  He reached his hand for Lauren.

“I’ll stay right here, Nick…” she said.  “Just don’t be too long, I want to hit a club tonight…” she called after him.

I grabbed the dirty dishes from mine and Donnie’s dinner and headed into the kitchen.  Lauren promptly followed me.

“Would you like something to drink, Lauren?” I asked her sweetly.  “Feel free to make yourself at home in the living room,” I said, hoping she’d take the hint.  Could this situation get anymore awkward?  Apparently.

“Cut the bullshit, Whitney.” She  hissed, her eyes boring into me.  “Don’t pretend that I don’t know what you are trying to do.” She said moving closer to me.

“And what exactly am I trying to do, Lauren?” I answered icily.

“You’re trying to get Nick back.  It’s not going to work, he’s happy with me nothing that you do is going to change that…” she placed her hand on her hip.

I moved closer to her and whispered forcefully back to her, hoping Jackson would remain blissfully unaware of what was going on in the kitchen.  “The ONLY thing I am trying to DO, Laruen is help Nick and Jackson establish a healthy relationship.  That is my only concern right now.  I would however, like to remind you that MY son, is not YOUR concern.  If you understand that, we’ll be just fine…” I said standing my ground with her.  Both of us locked eyes for what seemed like an eternity until I saw Nick in the doorway.

He looked extremely uncomfortable.  “Everything alright in here…” he asked nervously.

“Just fine, Nick…Lauren and I were just getting acquainted,” I said looking at her with a sweet smile dripping with sarcasm.  “Sounds like you guys have plans tonight, I certainly don’t want to keep you…” I said as I began herding them to the door. “I’ll give you a call this week to make arrangements for your next visit.” I said as I opened the door, ushering them out.  I was definitely going to be reconsidering the overnight visit now in light of this latest development.  Nick and I would definitely be having words.

Nick barely had a chance to say “sounds good,” as I closed the door on the two of them.  Now I understood what Melanie had meant when she said she was “cautiously optimistic”.  This could go south quickly.

I sent Donnie a quick text to tell him I was sorry for how things had ended that night.  I certainly didn’t want to cause any tension between him and Nick, but I think that was a foregone conclusion now.  I finished cleaning up the kitchen and went in my bedroom to finish up some work on my laptop.  I was just getting ready to turn the light off when I heard the text on my phone go off.  I picked it up expecting to see a response from Donnie.  To my surprise, it was from Nick.

DONNIE?  WTF, Whitney?

Are you kidding me?  I thought to myself. 

Nick, he’s a friend, nothing more.  Not that I owe you an explanation.  We can talk more about this later.  You don’t say who I do and don’t talk to.  Have a good night.  I’m tired.

Nick quickly responded.

You’re pregnant with my baby.  Do you think I want this getting out?  Have some common sense.

I was getting heated now.

Common sense?  Really?  Like you introducing Lauren to Jackson without even telling me.  Sure, if that’s what you call common sense,  I’ll pass.

This was going nowhere good. I started to get a sick feeling in my stomach.  His response caught me off guard.

Look, you’re right.  I’m sorry.  She just showed up last night without even telling me.  Things are really weird with her right now and for reasons I can’t go into, I have to keep the peace.  I don’t know where things stand with her and I don’t know what I want, and I don’t know why I’m telling you this other than I’ve had four bourbon and cokes.  If you say you and Donnie are friends, that’s cool.  We’ll talk more later.  Hang in there…

I had to reread the text three times.  He was so up and down.  This was crazy.  I turned off the light and drifted off to sleep.

The next morning I woke up and looked outside to a beautiful morning.  Jackson has already woken up and was watching cartoons.  I decided to make us some breakfast and we could go have a fun day in Central Park.   As I was putting the pancakes on the plate, I noticed my phone going off.  I looked down and saw it was Melanie.  Strange.  My lawyer calling me on a Sunday?

“Mel, what’s up?” I said picking up the phone.

“Whitney, Judge Powell has called an emergency meeting for tomorrow.  How could you let this happen?  Do you know anything about this? He is not happy…” she started rambling on.

“Whoa, whoa….”  I said stopping her in mid-sentence.  “What are you even talking about?”

“So you don’t know?” she said, slight relief overtaking her voice.  “Um, I’m guessing you don’t read TMZ…” she began as a knot started to form in my stomach.  I rushed into my bedroom and grabbed my laptop.  My heart starting to beat out of my chest.

“No,” I said as I began furiously typing in the website address.  There on the sleazy website TMZ, the very top story on the page was a picture of Nick and Jackson playing in Central Park and the headline “Nick Carter’s Secret Son”.

Tears began falling down my cheeks. “Oh, Mel,” I whispered to her.  “How could he do this?”