Few meters.

That was the distance between them and the bedroom.

Brian made those steps with an army of butterflies flying in his stomach and there was no doubt that it had nothing to do with the fact that he indeed didn’t eat anything that day. Oh no, he knew that the cause of those hands, playing tennis inside him, was a different kind of jitters and the silence of the loft, muffled by the dull sounds of their steps, didn’t do nothing to alleviate it.

Still, he didn’t and he wouldn’t stop or turn back towards the kitchen. Oh no, he wouldn’t stop himself and Nick there, in the centre of the hallway, and gently inform Nick that, maybe, it would be better if they see each other the day after. In a realization he didn’t know where it came from, Brian was sure about what he was going to do, without having doubt or second thoughts. And that certainty came from knowing, right when Nick had appeared on his doorstep, that this was the perfect moment. And, maybe, there would never be another time and place more perfect than the present. It wasn’t romantic, no one had organize or planned every little moves that would lead us to that door and, maybe, it was because of those reasons that it felt so right.

Nick and him, standing right in front of the other.

For an instant, they just stood there in silence, under the silver light of a moon that wanted to be part of that important moment. They stood there and mesmerized every features and locking in a safe place in their hearts every emotions, feelings and expression that shone in their eyes.

No one had ever made Brian feel like this. No one but Nick. He felt himself burning under the scrutinizing gaze of those eyes, a darker shade of blue because of the passions lingering between them, as they both took time to undress each other and tore away those clothes, the only obstacle left. Every piece of skin touched by Nick’s gaze was left at the mercy of flames, making him tremble and hold tighter on his lover’s body.

Those eyes. Brian remembered falling in love with those blue drops the first time they feel upon him that morning. He remembered wondering what it would felt like to be touched by them under the force of passion and lust, doubting that he could ever be the kind of man holding that power within his hands.

It was a gaze that made him soar up with no physical laws ruling his body.

Especially, that gaze made him felt loved like it never felt before, like Nick had took him and placed upon on a pedestal, a place to be adored with caresses and kisses. Just like he was a saint that could save Nick’s soul.

There was no rush, though the need and the desire to be closer and closer until they were breathing through one only body was growing bigger and bigger as the minutes slipped by.

There was no rush because each moment was treasured with grace and care, treated like it was the rarest gem in the world.

There was no rush because their hands needed time to explore and learn every detail of those inch that had been inaccessible until now, free from the clothes and the masks.

There was no rush because it was a play, a dance... whatever it was, it belonged to them. It was theirs. Sensations were amplified, touches spiked fireworks in every nerve, flashes of lights that blinded them with their intensity. They didn’t hurt, though. No, they joined the ecstasy and started danced with her, creating a sort of rainbow whose end was only for them to be seen.

In that room, between those sheets, the only thing that mattered was them: the Brian and the Nick that had met and fell in love. Past relationships, different numbers of lovers or experiences... everything that belonged to their past ceased to exist in that first moment when they become one: body, heart and soul.

They searched for that piece that could made them complete.

Finally, they had found it.

They had found each other.

The morning after, it was Nick the first to wake up.

It had always been like that, he never spent too much time in the bed of the daily lover, fearing that he would be asked to stay a little longer or, worse, to keep going and seeing each other. He never really cared before, a passionate night was the only thing that he searched for, an antidote for the loneliness and the emptiness, inside both his bed and his soul.

He had always been the one doing the chase, never the prey.

Right now, though, it didn’t matter anymore.

He was awake, yes, but that didn’t mean that he wanted or desired to walk away and turn into a shadow again. No, he was awake and all that he wanted was to lie there and watch the man still sleeping beside him. Truth was that he never had felt in peace with himself like he was feeling in that moment.

Things had changed. Above all, he had been changed. He was in love and he wasn’t afraid or terrified. And he owed all to Brian. Being with him, being in love with him, was like finally realizing that he was indeed alive, like there had been a curtain that had prevented the light to sweep in and shine, making everything and the world much brighter.

There was a peaceful silence in the room as the sunrays hit random spots of Brian’s body. There wasn’t a part of that body that he hadn’t caressed or touched. Or loved. Gosh, he loved every little and small detail, like that almost invisible mole situated in the center of his back. Still, Nick knew that there were a lot of things that he had to discover, there was still more that he had to learn and love about this guy that had totally changed his entire world. And, underneath everything, Nick couldn’t wait to search, touch and unveil what had been left unsaid and unseen.

H leaned over, leaving a butterfly kiss on Brian’s temple before getting up. He wasn’t going to run away, not anymore. But he could use those minutes to prepare a surprise breakfast.

*******

Brian woke up not longer after Nick, the light of the sun burning his skin.

For awhile, he just lied there with his eyes still closed, not ready yet to face the world. With a hand, he reached over only to find nothing more than the sensation of his sheets and blanket.

Frowning, his eyes opened a little to make sure that his touch hadn’t played a trick on him. No, there wasn’t no one in the bed aside him.

He didn’t panic, though. He didn’t worry about what that absence meant. He wasn’t afraid about Nick sneaking out like a thief with no words or a goodbye.

How could he do it after that night?

It hadn’t been only a mere physical connection. It went deeper than sex and bodies meeting and becoming one. Still, he could pinpoint exactly what changed as in a list of details and facts: he just felt safer and more secure about this relationship and it didn’t falter, even for a moment, his trust and faith in Nick. The fact that he came by to apologize meant much more than the hug or the slow movement of his arms. Lingering in the memories of the previous hours, Brian was sure that he had found a place where to belong: nowhere and nothing else than Nick’s arms.

Everything had been perfect but he knew there were so much more waiting for them.

The wind swept inside the room, bringing with it a sweet perfume of pancakes. His stomach, silent until that moment, chose to speak up and remind him that it was still waiting for something to eat. The decision made for him, Brian got up and looked around to find where Nick had thrown his pants then he softly padded towards the kitchen, where Nick was trying to make breakfast.

“Are you planning to make me sick so we could stay in all day?” He joked as he came closer to the boy. Nick turned around in surprise but quickly managed a big smile, that smile that belonged only to Brian.

“You’re very clever. How did you guess?”

“And I still haven’t got my coffee.” Brian replied back as he settled to start the first coffee of the day.

Suddenly, he found himself being held and turned around. Bodies closed, lips searching for each other and then sighing when they found themselves.

“Good morning” Nick breathed in the kiss. Brian smiled and Nick kept watching him thinking that he could get used to those mornings.

He was going to adore them just like he already adored Brian. 

Central Park always resembled a corner of paradise in the centre of the city, with its tall and big building that seemed to circle and circle the park like they wanted to protect it. It was like stepping in an alternate reality, where the hectic and chaotic activity was forbidden to stream along side with the path of grey and white gravel. The dichotomy between the city and the park was more evident with the coming of the summer, as the autumn colors made of orange, yellow and red left their power in benefit of the shining green and rainbow of petals.

In that particular afternoon, warm and scented with fruits growing on the branches, Nick and Brian had found a little spot hidden from the principal path: Nick had his back against a big and old cypress and there was an album full of drawings waiting to be ended and completed. Brian was lying against him, his head propped upon Nick’s tight and his eyes and attention were focused on the book in his hands. Even so often, Nick would reach over with the hand he wasn’t using to draw with and would let his fingers paint imaginary lines between Brian’s curls or following the line of the cheekbones.

They were comfortable in that position for hours, even if they didn’t speak to each other, just glad to be together and feel the other’s presence.

The chapter finished, Brian changed position to observe better Nick lost in his world of images and drawings. He loved watching him as he draw, he always thought that it was the perfect moment to probe without asking and learn something more about the man he came to love. In that moment, Nick looked truly happy, glad and in peace with the world around them. And that emotion was truly shared by him, Brian thought.

For the first time in a long long time, Brian was happy.

“Have you always dreamed about working with arts? - He found himself asking. There were still things, million things, that they didn’t know about each others, past decisions that had shaped them in the person they were. – When you were a child, who did you want to become?”

Nick placed down his album, a little smile twirling the corners of his lips. “No. I mean, I’ve always loved drawing but... at first, I wanted to be a doctor.” Nick answered with a laugh.

“A doctor?” Brian replied joining the laughter, remembering that day when Nick had cut one of his fingers and almost passed out for the sight of a single a small drop of blood.

“Yes, I know. It’s really funny because me and the medicine are like the opposite. But, you know, when you’re little you think that a white coat makes you more important. More noble.”

“What did you make change idea?”

“My father’s best friend was a surgeon so my dad arranged things to let me observe a surgery. I think that he knew that it wasn’t my aspiration but he knew that I wouldn’t accept if he just said that it wasn’t my path and didn’t allow me to pursue it. And... well, I resisted like five minutes before bolting out in search of the first bathroom available.”

“Poor baby.” Brian commented, ruffling Nick’s hair with an hand.

“When I went home, I was embarrassed and ashamed. Sad, too. I went straight to my room and put all those emotions in a picture. When I finished it, I felt immediately better. That was when I know that drawing and painting was my dream.”

“I wanted to be a professional basket player. – Brian said, naturally reminiscing the same episode of his life. – I was really good, I was the captain of my school team and we won the championship every year. During my senior year, a scout of one of the mayor team came to look for some player. I wanted so bad that scholarship even if... – He quickly dismissed the last sentence, leaving its end in the air. - ... He took me in a corner and said that I was good, yes, but I wasn’t tall enough to be a professional player.”

“That’s not cool!”

“Now I know that he was right but I was so devastated. So, soon after that talk, I went to the auditorium and pour everything in a song that I was writing. I don’t know how long I stayed there, I was exhausted but I’ve never felt better. That was when I realized that maybe I wasn’t fit to be a player but I wasn’t worthless. I had another gift and it was something that no one could take away from me.”

Nick took Brian’s hand and push the man closer to him, making him sitting on his lap. “Thank God we didn’t pursued our first dreams. Who knows if we would ever meet if I had been a doctor and you a player.”

Brian locked his arms around Nick’s neck and placed his head on the shoulder. “It was destiny. It’s destiny. No matter what we were doing or which city we were, we would have found a way to meet. We’re meant to be together.” 

Brian woke up with a start and found himself tangled inside the web of the white sheets, attached to his body like a second skin.

The images of the nightmare still lingering inside his mind, though those dark clouds seemed to grow weaker and weaker with each passing second. Still, even if he could put a firm line between reality and dreams, he couldn’t seem to shake off the unpleasant sensation that had woke him up so hotly.

It hadn’t be the first time, nightmares like that still managed to happen once or twice every month, leaving him with his heart beating like he had run a marathon. Even his breathing agreed to that sensation, coming in short and hectic gasps like his body had been eating miles and miles in the longest run he had ever done. Brian couldn’t remember what he had been dreaming but he knew that he had been running, trying to reach that shadow of a person standing in front of him. Screams, he remember that he had been screaming like every time, even if he knew deep inside that no one would come and comfort him.

Not this time, though. This time was different because this time he wasn't alone. Not like he had been in the past.

Without even turning on the lamp on his bedside, Brian reached for the phone and dialed the only number he knew could bring him peace and relief. In the back of his mind, Brian knew that it was like three o’clock in the morning and that Nick was probably sleeping since he had to work in the morning but he couldn’t stop himself. The need of hearing his voice, even just a whisper, was too much to resist.

“Bri? - A sleepy voice came up and swept away any traces left of the terror brought by the nightmare. - Everything’s okay? Are you okay?”

Every little bit of scruple disappeared beneath the image, created by Brian’s mind, as he pictured Nick as he rubbed his eyes, his head still laying on the pillow and the blanket thrown on his side. It was a picture that brought a sense of domesticity and familiarity, a blanket of normality that made his heart beat slower and calmer. “I’m okay. – He reassured Nick. – Just... bad dream and... I guess I just wanted to hear your voice. See? It’s stupid.” He ended in a grumble, putting his head upon his knees.

Moments of silence followed Brian’s confession, making him starting to believe that Nick had fallen asleep on the phone. Then, a less sleepily voice arose. “What kind of nightmare?”

“I... I don’t remember. Just... I couldn’t find you.”

Silence. The only sound Brian could hear was a mix between his beating heart and Nick’s breathing. “Twenty minutes.”

“What?” Brian asked with a frown.

“It won’t take me much longer to be there. At this hour, there won’t be much traffic.”

“Nick! You don’t have to come here. Not just for a bad dream.” But his objection fell into the nothingness since Nick wasn’t longer listening, just a click to alert that the conversation had been stopped. That left Brian with only one decision: getting up and starting to turn on the lights, waiting for the moment when he would hear the doorbell. He had just started a kettle thinking about a warm tea when a knock came from the door.

“You didn’t have to come, Nick. It’s the middle of night!”

Nick didn’t answer immediately, shrugging his shoulders before enveloping Brian in a hug. “You know that I’m not good with words. And I couldn’t hug you through the phone.”

Standing on his tiptoes, Brian brushed his lips against Nick’s. “Thank you.”

“Can I tell you a secret?” Nick whispered in his ear.

“What?”

“I don’t like sleeping alone too. - Nick answered, rubbing his nose against Brian’s tip. – Come on, let’s go to bed. Tomorrow morning you have to open the café and I’ve got some things to do before work.”

Brian turned off the kettle, switched off all the lights and then followed Nick towards his bedroom. Though he was starting to think of it as their room.

Night and darkness hugged them as they laid down on the bed, Brian with his head upon Nick’s chest and an arm safely circling his stomach. A sweet smile lightened up Nick’s face as a kiss lingered on those blonde curls he was in love with. “See? You’ve found me.”

“Yes. – Brian breathed as Nick’s heartbeat sang him to sleep with its rhythmic lullaby. – I've found you.” 

And he wasn't going to let him go.

“You’re bringing me the breakfast while I’m still in bed?” Nick exclaimed as he slowly rubbed his eyes to cancel the last drops of sleepiness from his eyes. He hadn’t woke up because of the first lights of an unabashed sun coming from the window but rather it had been the strong-smelling of coffee just brewed that was slowly approaching toward the bedroom. In the background of the silence, Nick could hear the faint notes of a melody and, here and then, he could make out the voice of Brian singing over them.

That was indeed a pleasant waking up, something he could see himself growing to get used to. Not for the breakfast part, though it was a valid point, but the whole fact about waking up and having someone to share those moments together.

Not just somebody.

Brian.

Before sating up, Nick stretched those muscles still sleeping while observing the simple and fluid movements of Brian as he settled the tray on the bedside table. Though he couldn’t say what was on that, since that his attention had been drawn to admire that body unclothed, aside from the pajamas’ pants.

“Think it as a little thank you for last night.”

“Ehi! – Nick replied. – There is no need. You already did it last night.”

Brian sat on the bed, coming closer to Nick. “I know. But I wanted to anyway.”

“Well, I can think about some other ways if you really want to thank me...” The tone became a soft murmur, that kind able to reduce Brian in a web of trembles and tremors. And the place where Nick had placed his hands wasn’t that helpful.

“We’re going to be late...” He tried to object, knowing that it wasn’t going to work. And, as a matter of fact, Nick’s fingers started to play with the laces of the pants, slowly undoing them. “So?”

“I’ve to open the cafeteria.”

Nick didn’t seem to be bother by those words, placing his lips on the neck and slowly travelling down.

“You have to work.”

Down. Past the chest, stopping for a moment on the navel.

“I’ve to take a shower.”

That seemed to stop Nick. He looked up to Brian with a mischievous light in his eyes.

“No! Don’t you dare to think about it! – Brian exclaimed, having understood the trail of Nick’s thoughts. – If you join me, we will never go out!” He finished, trying to step away from the boy. He didn’t succeed, since Nick just followed his movements.

“That’s the point.”

“You know that I can’t stay here. But, if you behave, I think that tonight we can start again from this very point. And... – With the tip of the index, Brian traced the line of the noise, stopping when he arrived on the tip. - ... well, I think we can add a little more.”

Suddenly, like Brian had pronounced a magic formula, Nick jumped off the bed and raced to the bathroom with the speed of a thunder. Then, even before Brian could say something, he heard the unmistakable sounds of the shower running. He smiled and laughed, propping himself against the headboard and started to sip his cup.

Just like Nick had done before, while waking up, even Brian in that moment thought that he could get used to morning and awakenings like that: joking around, chatting a little before going out and start the day. Most of all, he could and he was longing for getting used to that feeling, the sensation and the realization that he wasn’t alone anymore. Yes, it was too soon to propose a moving, neither of them were ready for that step but he knew that Nick wouldn’t mind if he asked him to stay the night once or twice.

“Why are you still in bed?” Nick asked when he walked back from the shower some minutes later.

Brian couldn’t help to giggle. “Why are you in such a hurry?”

Nick sat on the bed, closer to Brian so that he could take away the cup from his hands. “The sooner we are of of the house, the sooner night will come.”

Laughter filled the room as Nick dragged Brian out of the bed, pushing him into the bathroom and closing the door.

Yes, they both could get used to those mornings spent together.

After ensuring that every machine was turned off and that the cash register had been closed, Brian walked back to the office to retrieve his jacket. He was exhausted, that day had been too much long between clients that kept coming and, in those rare moments of break, he hadn’t be able to rest because he had to finish an essay for his upcoming exam.

He turned off the lights, closed the door but still Brian didn’t seem to notice the figure even if it was standing right in front of him. Only one thought was on his mind and that was to go home so he started to walk slowly towards that direction. Since his eyes were focused on his steps, Brian bumped against that person and he would had end up on the floor if that someone didn’t catch him by his arm.

Brian fluttered his eyelashes once, twice, convinced that his weariness was pulling a bad joke on him because that person couldn’t be Nick: still, there was no one else that had that particular shade of blonde, not to mention that special scent that could belong only to his partner: a perfect mix between his cologne and the perfume of paint brushes and paint. No, it wasn’t a joke. Nick was real and was standing in front of him.

“Nick? Did I forget that we have a date?” Brian asked, though he knew that he would remember if they had to meet, no matter how tired he was. And more important, he would had never agreed to have a date so close to his exam. 

“No, don’t worry.” Nick was quick to reassure him, a slight concern painted on his gaze as Brian swayed a little. He put an arm around his waist and led him on the sidewalk. 

“I don’t think I’ll be much of company tonight, Nick.” Weariness weighted in Brian’s voice as he leaned a little more on Nick’s frame. 

The slight change of balance made Nick frown with more worry and concern. “I’m here only to make sure you are going to bed instead that being up all night to study and worn yourself worse.” 

“I can’t. I’ve to finish this research and tomorrow I don’t have time between the work and classes. Rest is a luxury I can’t afford right now.” 

Luckily, Brian’s house wasn’t far from the cafeteria so the walk took only a couple of minutes. For a moment, Brian couldn’t recall where he had put his keys but still Nick was faster and found them in his pocket. 

“You must be hungry, knowing you I bet you didn’t eat nothing more than a sandwich. – Nick rumbled off as he remembered to close the door. – Now, I know I’m not the best cook in the world but I can make you something quick and edible...”

Eating. Even that activity, so simple in its appearance, seemed to require energy that Brian wasn’t that sure he could possess. And, even if he did, he couldn’t waste it. So, he just shook his head, murmuring a soft “I’m not hungry” and start retrieving his books. But he never managed to do it because Nick started pushing him towards the bedroom, ignoring his feeble but nevertheless valid protests.

“No buts. You need to sleep. – Nick scolded him while making him lie on the bed. – I talked to Aj and he agreed to open the bar. You only have classes in the afternoon so you can study once you get up.”

A blanket was placed on his body. There was so much to do but Brian couldn’t find any other alibi: his body relaxed, Nick’s hands working those knots that tangled his back and all he could do was closing his eyes and sighing.

“Are you staying?” Brian only managed to whisper, at the brink of dreaming and the last drops of consciousness while snuggling up against Nick.

“Of course. – It was Nick’s reply, placing a kiss on his temple. – I’m not going anywhere.”

Being together.

That was what Nick loved the most about his relationship with Brian: being together, even if both of them were busy doing different chores and without the need to fill the silence with words or useless conversations just because they couldn’t stand the absence of words. Their staying and spending time together wasn’t the sticky type, like they had been glued together and couldn’t survive even an hour separated from each other: they both had lives, an individual normality made of habits and routines born long before they had met each other. But just as natural as it had been meeting and getting together, they had been able to create their own routine, a perfect match of situations that could be easily spent together rather than dealing with them in two different parts of the city.

For that reason, those days when none of them had classes and he didn’t have to go to the museum, Nick preferred to catch up with Brian at the cafeteria, sitting down in a table at the corner, books opened wide in front of him and his omnipresent drawing notebook. The bar was the perfect place to get inspiration, seeing the wide and varied range of people who stumble upon the cafeteria every day: from simply college students to families, passing though tourists and businessmen.

That particular afternoon wasn’t different from the others: his books had been long forgotten while drafts and sketches took up all the space of the table. Nick was about to get up and get another cup of coffee, hoping to steal a kiss from Brian if he wasn’t busy, when the couple just entered caught his eyes: the two boys, maybe a few years younger than him, were talking to each other and laughing at some jokes that only them could understand. It didn’t take to be a genius to understand that their relationship went deeper than a simple friendship, had not been for their hands intertwined together and those looks that spoke about love.

Nick didn’t waste any time: he took his pencil and started drawing on a blank page, gathering all the details before he could forget them: black curls, the eyes of a warm hazel shade of brown and the lips curved in a smile that reminded Nick of Brian’s; another pair of eyes, holding a particular and rare trace of emerald, and a pale skin, just like porcelain. The shorter boy was looking at his partner with an expression that Nick was sure was the same he held when his eyes would find and fall upon Brian, a look of devotion almost as if the sun rose in their eyes and shine only for them.

“I know I keep saying it again and again but you’re so talented.” Brian’s voice didn’t catch him by surprise but warmed Nick in a way he never knew it was possible.

“Flatterer.”

Brian stood behind Nick, placing a cup of coffee on the only place left free on the table. “They usual come here in the afternoon. One of them is studying at the Julliard.”

Nick stopped drawing and lifted his eyes, observing the couple. “You can clearly see how much they love each other. It’s something so beautiful to witness. They’re beautiful.”

Brian’s arms came around Nick’s shoulders, a warm cheek was placed against his. “They remind me of someone.”

“Who?” Nick asked curious.

“Us.”

Brian knew he hadn’t been fair to Nick. Oh, it certainly wasn’t a voluntary act keeping from him secrets about his past and Brian knew that it was only an automatic and natural mechanism. Above all, he had always been a shy person, possessive about his history and past and sort of afraid to let someone else inside, in fear that he could end up with more hurt and pain. Still, he never needed to talk about himself because the few people still around him already knew about his past so he had learned to never talk about himself, only adding some words here and then about what he liked, loved or hated. 

Nick had changed everything. 

Brian drank every little words Nick had said about his life and years before meeting him: he listened to him as he talked for hours and hours, imaging a smaller and childish version of him as he ran on the beach searching for turtles or shells. Most of all, he adored watching all that myriad of expressions floating on his face as he told him about the time his father taught him to play soccer or the first time he put foot inside a museum. Those images were things and fragments of a life Brian never had the chance to feel. That was part of the reason why he never talked about it: not because he was embarrassed or ashamed about his family. He just wanted to avoid those words full of pity and sentences filled to the brim with fake commiseration.  

Once Nick had asked about his childhood but at the first sign of an awkward change of subject, he never mentioned it again or pushed for more. He just waited for the right time, that moment when he would be able and comfortable to share that past.

And that moment had come.

Brian had chosen that particular day for his confession since that night would be special itself: their sixth month anniversary.

*********

The only adjective Nick could think to use to describe that night could be perfect. Yes, that night had been perfect, just like those six months they’ve just celebrated first in a small and secluded Italian restaurant and now as they were walking in the starry night going back to Brian’s apartment.

“Do you mind if we stopped for a moment at the cafeteria? I have... well, I need to show you something.”

Nick didn’t mind, of course; he didn’t care where they would go just as long as they would be together. Though, Brian’s words were teasing his own curiosity especially since they’ve already exchanged their gifts: his had been a portrait of Brian made during one of those endlessly afternoons spent together at the cafeteria while Brian’s had been a photo album full of pictures about them and their days together.

Darkness enveloped the bar but Brian didn’t bother to switch on the lights, knowing his way perfectly: he led Nick behind the counter and into the little room that he used as his office: it was a small room, with only a desk, a bookshelf that took up an entire wall and an old dark green couch situated next to the window. Nick sat there, watching as Brian reached in a drawer and retrieve that something he was looking for.

Curiosity peaked up as Brian sat then near Nick, placing an old photography between his hands.

“You know that I don’t like talking about my family but... if you like, I can talk about her. – Brian said while pointing at the woman smiling in the picture, resembling so much the man Nick had come to love. – I want you to meet my mom.”

One hand held the picture while the other was squeezing Brian’s fingers, hoping that it would be enough to convey words that couldn’t find strength to form and escape from Nick’s lips. There had been sadness coloring Brian’s voice when he had pronounced the word “mom” and it had made his chest tighten around his heart, pushing him to stop because he didn’t want to see him in pain. That was the reason why he never asked why Brian never talked about his family or why there weren’t any pictures of his parents around the house. He understood that it was a tricky topic for Brian so, for the first time in his life, he waited.

“This is the only one that I keep around. All of her things are in a box buried in the apartment. I couldn’t throw it away but still couldn’t keep see her everywhere around me.”

The picture showed a young woman behind the counter of that cafeteria where Nick met Brian and there was no doubt that the two were related: the features of the face but, most of all, that smile that seemed to bright everywhere, chasing away dark clouds and storm about to pour rain.

“This place was hers. She bought it when she was really young, a few months before she found out being pregnant with me. My first memories are about this place, the sounds of laughter and chatting and the scent of coffee. Basically, she raised me here.”

“Your father?”

Only a shadow appeared on Brian’s face. “I never met him. He left even before my mom could tell him that she was expecting his son. - There was no pain or sadness behind those words, just a simple and unstressed resignation. Nick did the only thing he could think of, encircling Brian inside his arms and putting his chin upon his hair. – It wasn’t that hard, I never really missed his presence. We, me and mom, we were a team. And we weren’t totally alone. She had this gift, she was able to make everyone in love with her so I had aunts and uncles, big brothers and grandparents more than willing to come and cheer me when I had a match if she couldn’t leave the cafeteria.”

Nick couldn’t help but smile, knowing exactly what kind of gift Brian’s mother had because she passed it along to his son: that had been one of the reasons why he kept coming back to the cafeteria even before he admitted to himself that he was infatuated and attracted to Brian. There was an aura of warmth and family every time you set foot in that place and now Nick knew where, or better from who, Brian learned to always smile and be happy no matter what.

So Nick hated himself for the question he was about to ask: the answer was implied inside the past tense Brian used while speaking about her or why there was no pictures or photos in his house. But he had to ask, only because he felt how hard it had been for Brian only starting to let him inside his life and what he wanted to convey was that he didn’t have to do all by himself. “How did she die?”

No matter how long it had passed from that day, a shiver ran through Brian’s body, a tangible proof that he was turning like that young boy that suddenly had found himself all alone in the world. “Car accident. She... she was coming to get me from school, I had basket practice and then I had to stay a little longer for the choir practice. A kid appeared from nowhere, she managed to avoid him but not the car that was coming from the other side. She died shortly after at the hospital. At least, I got to say her goodbye. – Warmth and comfort attracted him inside Nick’s embrace. – I was only sixteen. I still don’t remember anything from the days after her... after the accident. The only thing that I recall is coming here, in this place, after the funeral and realizing that I was truly alone and that was what I was going to be for all my life. Yes, I had friends, family... but there wouldn’t be anymore that person that had been always by my side, that person who I spent days and days sharing every little thing. There wouldn’t be someone waiting for him when I got home from school and be proud of my grades or for the fact that I won the scholarship for the NYU.”

No sobbing or cries raised up inside those words, silent witnesses of years and years spent counting only on his strengths. Only tears made their way on Brian’s face, tears that Nick wiped away quickly and gently with his fingertips. Now he really and truly understood what real love meant, that sudden and instinctive surge to be able to go back in time and erase whatever was bringing pain and suffer to their other part of the heart. He couldn’t do it, that was the saddest thing. But he could do something else, he could change Brian’s future. Their future. “You’re not alone anymore, Brian. I’m here and I promise you. I’m not gonna anywhere.”

For the first time Brian believed those words. Safe and protected inside Nick’s arms, there was no room for doubts or qualms. “I know.” 

Without even noticing, Brian and Nick found themselves back to Brian’s apartment: curled up on the bed, myriad and myriad of pictures scattered around them as Brian would pick one up and start telling the story behind it, dusting off his mother’s presence and let her live for a little while, even if only in words. Nick had wanted and asked to know more about her, to meet that wonderful woman that shaped Brian in the man he had fallen in love with and Brian knew that there was only one way to make that meeting happening: as soon as they reached the flat, he went and retrieve the old box that still smelled of pomegranate, that still smelled like her. 

For hours, his voice full of melancholy and nostalgia was the only sound audible in the room. Nick just listened to him, sometimes laughing together and other times just tightening his grip around the boy, a little bit of comfort when words weren’t really needed. Not even for a second Nick stopped trying to absorb all the little pieces useful to reassemble the puzzle hiding behind that face always smiling. Often, he had compared that smile to the Mona Lisa’s: it charmed everyone and make them question what was behind it but no one couldn’t know or never be able to tell the real reason. With the right proportions, Brian was like that famous painting: he smiled, always smiled, always kind even to strangers who he met only for a few seconds but he never let them see past it, not totally, even with those few people who he trusted almost blindly. 

Now Nick understood. Now Nick had come to see the dark side of that shining light and everything had finally made sense: that worry that held Brian prisoner during those hours when they weren’t together; that anxiety if he didn’t reply at his messages and that had nothing to do with not trusting him or being afraid that he had left; being there waiting for him after school or work if it was too late with the alibi of wanting to spend some hours in each other’s company. Most of all, now those night calls made finally sense: those nightmares that forced Brian to call him in the middle of night but didn’t make their appearance if they were spending the night together. Oh, Nick almost got used to stay at Brian’s instead that going home but every time he had asked, Brian always managed to avoid the reason why he needed him, needed his voice, just to sleep peacefully. 

Loneliness. Loneliness brought them together, though they had dealt with it in different ways: he, Nick, had tried to fight it off by losing himself in a different relationship every night, one night stand that only mattered those hours until the sun wouldn’t shine; Brian stayed with the ghost of his past, not letting anyone else see how much lonely and alone he really felt and worked himself until there was no energy left to think about how much he had lost. 

Both of them were learning how to be in a relationship, knowing that they had someone to lean on for the first time. And that night, Brian had given Nick the most special and precious gift: himself. He had showed him his soul, with every little fragility and flaws, knowing that they could be used against him but trusting Nick to treat them with care and heal them, someday. In that moment, Nick ha finally understood what true love meant.

Exhausted, Brian curled up against Nick, placing his head on his chest, there where he could hear his heart beat underneath him. “Do you know what is the most important thing I’ve learned from her? Never be afraid to make sacrifice for the one you love, even if it means letting him go away from you.” 

Nick’s heartbeat became a soft lullaby and soon Brian was asleep, loved and protected in those arms. Nick stayed awake a little longer, watching him under the moonlight and gently wiping away those dried traces of tears. He just could hope that they would never come close to put in actions those words. 

“Ehi, stranger!” 

Nick turned around, surprised to see Brian standing on the other side of the street and near the side entrance of Central Park. 

“Ehi stranger -  He exclaimed, catching up with him as soon as the traffic light turned green. – What are you doing here?” 

With a natural act, Brian put his arm around Nick’s waist as they started to walk on the paths winding through the green. “I know that you always come here for your lunch break so I decided that it was the perfect day for a picnic.” 

“And you have willingly left the bar in the hands of Aj?” Nick asked, pretending to be shocked but pleasantly surprised. 

“I know, I know. It seems like a miracle, right? – Brian replies, letting out an amused laughter. – But Jay had literally thrown me out when I told him about my idea. “Go out and have fun. Finally.” – He added, imitating the friend’s voice close to perfection. - Can you believe him?” 

“Well, he isn’t that wrong.” 

“You’re agreeing with him only because you’re gonna benefit from it.” 

“That’s not true since I was going to see you tonight anyway. Still, I prefer seeing you under the sunlight.”

“You know what they say about flattering...” The words were muffled by Brian’s laughter. 

“And then where would be the fun in that? – Nick replied, rubbing his nose against Brian’s. – I love seeing you blushing.”

Brian’s reply didn’t come in the form of words: on the tips of his toes, he left a simple and quick kiss on the corner of Nick’s lips before walking again. It was really a perfect day to spend outside: the sky had colored itself with the most incredible and light shade of blue; the spring-like sun, spreading warmth with its rays, made the green of the grass shining and the flurry colors of the flowers were mixed perfectly creating an infinite painting. In the silence, only interrupted by the squeaks of the squirrels and the birds’ singing, the couple reached that corner that had become their usual place, a little corner hidden near the bank of the river, with a secular and majestic oak offering them shelter from the sun.

After eating and neatening everything, Nick retrieved his notebook and started drawing quite immediately while Brian sat beside him with a book he took with him. Hours passed by and soon the sun was about to prepare itself to leave his place to the moon: Nick looked up for a second and found himself attracted to Brian, smiling maybe for something he just read. That smile, so natural and for that reason so beautiful, was like a magnet, making hard and impossible to go back to his drawing and inspiration.

“Do I have something on my face?” Brian asked puzzled.

“No. – Nick answered, placing his notebook on the grass and coming closer to Brian. – I love your smile. Simply that.”

After putting a bookmark between the pages he was reading, Brian put down his book and with a hand he grabbed the collar of the shirt Nick was wearing. “And I love you.”

Nick’s reply didn’t take too long to arrive: his hands grabbed Brian’s, pushing the boy towards him while his lips, touching and caressing, whispered quietly those three words he still couldn’t find the courage to say out loud. Still, he knew that one day he would be able to look into those blue eyes and say the same thing to Brian.

Yes, one day he was going to say “I love you”.

And he kinda had the feeling it was going to happen very soon.

They were already on the subway train going home when Brian’s mobile announced the arrival of a new message. 

“It’s Jay. He’s threatening me not to come back to the cafeteria because he had found someone to cover me for tonight. – He told Nick, after reading the text. – I guess I’m all yours.” 

Nick couldn’t help but smiling at that perspective. “And you’re not even a little tempted to go and check?” 

Brian sighed, leaning a little bit closer to Nick. “You don’t know how much I want to. But I trust Jay so...” 

“It sounds like a threat!”

“Idiot!”

“Idiot but adorable, right?”

“And very modest, I might add.”

“Always for you.”

The buzz of people around them seemed to have been silenced, as if someone had got hold of a huge remote control and had decided to remove all the background noise. It was so easy and natural to get lost inside their bickering, jokes and replies that seemed to be written by the most famous authors of comedy when, instead, they were just brought to life like they were heartbeats or breathes.

Nick started to fumble inside Brian’s backpack and managed to grab his cell phone. “This is off limits for tonight. – He explained, taking it away and placing it inside his jacket. – Just to be sure you’re not going to assail that poor guy with hundreds of calls.”

“You do know that I have another phone at home.” Brian replied.

“I’ll unplug it.”

“I’ll use a carrier pigeon.”

“It’s better if I don’t say what I would do to that poor bird.”

“I will use smoke signals.”

“I know where you keep the fire extinguisher and I know how to use it.”

“I can go over for a surprise.”

To reply to that last one, Nick lowered down his face so he could murmur directly in Brian’s ear. “I’ll be forced to tie you up in the bed and make you my prisoner.”

A tremble, made of pleasure, ran along Brian’s spine and then reached his cheek, tainting them with a faint shade of red, brighter than the one that had already colored his skin after hours of being in the sun.

“And have you already thought about what we are going to do during those hours of imprisonment?” He murmured, sensing the same reaction hitting Nick’s body, so tightly closed to him.

“Don’t worry. I’ve already one or two ideas...”

“Perfect! Because I’ve something in mind too.”

“Really?”

“Of course. – Brian replied, just as the train started to reach the next stop. – It includes: blanket, some movies and lots of cuddles.” Then, without even waiting for Nick’s reply, he got down onto the platform.

Nick stayed still for a moment and not only because that wasn’t their stop. But he still managed to get out before the doors would close and reached Brian, who was looking at him with an amused look.

“Have I shocked you?”

“No, no... well, a little. I... I’ve never done something like that.” He confessed with a shy tone.

“Really? Not once?”

Shrugging his shoulder, Nick held Brian’s hand as they start to walk. “I’ve always thought it was something for losers but just because I’ve never had someone who wanted to spend the night like that. So, instead than being all emo and depressed about it, I would go out and fight the loneliness in other ways. Mostly hitting a guy and bring him home.”

In a gesture of silenced comfort, Brian’s fingers intertwined themselves around Nick’s. “Well, now you have me.” He said, just with a sweet smile.

Nick squeezed that twine, replying with a smile. Yes, he had Brian and he was all that he needed.

“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.”

The only light was the one coming from the television, placed on the desk table head on, blinking colors that shined upon the couple lying on the bed, a blanket to shelter and defend them from the small breezy air that had found a way to enter from one of the windows left open, since none of them wanted to get up and close it. Furthermore it gave them the chance to be as closer as possible, although they had never needed any reason to hug or be in each other’s arms. Even at the beginning. 

“How wonderful life is now you’re in the world.”

Yes, Nick couldn’t help but agree with that statement: his life had became wonderful now since the day Brian had been part of it. As if he wanted to underline that thought, he leaned a little bit and placed his lips on those blonde curls, leaving a butterfly kiss and being rewarded with a light sigh while his mind starting whirling around thoughts that had waited patiently for his attention. During moments like those, it seemed so easy to let out and give life to those three words that held such a huge weight on his chest: it was so beautiful realizing that love was indeed real, an emotion and feeling he had only dared to hope and dream in the past.

Still, those were the moments when he got the most scared at all. Still, the doubt never ceased to exist, whispering like a ghost beside him: what if it was too perfect to be real? What if it was only a dream and those three words were the only ones that could end everything? That was the reason why he preferred to stay in silence, deceiving himself that this love could be forever instead than spilling his secret and ending up being completely alone in a world where Brian didn’t exist.

Lost inside his thoughts, Nick didn’t acknowledge the sudden and light shift of weight on his body until a pair of lips started to leave traces of their passage on his skin. A moan of pleasure escaped in the air as Nick put his fingers under Brian’s shirt and started caressing the skin underneath it.

“Not that I’m complaining but didn’t you adore Moulin Rouge?”

“You looked too lost in your thoughts though we are only at the beginning of the movie.” Brian managed to reply between a kiss and another.

Nick didn’t reply, letting himself being drowned by those sensations cause by the lips’ passing. Surely, that wasn’t the moment for sad and blue reflections. Especially when Brian’s hand reached for the zip of his jeans, raising the temperature around and inside him.

“What are you thinking?”

“Well, I’m still your prisoner...” Brian replied, looking up with a malicious gaze.

“Oh, I think I’ve understand. You’re trying to play up to me so I can free you.”

“I might...”

“Just for your information, I’m very hard to convince.”

The zip went undone as Brian’s fingertips started to play with the hem of the boxer. “I still can try.”

Leveraging on his wrists, Nick pushed Brian up so that their faces were only few inches distant and they both were able to hear each other’s warm breath, see the red creeping up their skin and lose themselves in that special light that shined only in those moments. “I’m not going to stop you.” 

“Are you going to stay at the cafeteria until its closing time?” Nick asked as he finished drying the plate and then putting it on the shelf above his head. 

“Probably. It’s the end of the month so I have a stack of bills to go through. – Brian replied while rinsing the pot they used for lunch. – Don’t stay up and wait for me, though. I don’t know when I’ll be home.” 

Even if Nick did answer, Brian couldn’t be sure because as soon as those words left his mouth he realized what they implied and meant. They had never talked about it neither he had asked him directly if he wanted to move in with him. That had been something happening naturally, dictated by the fact that his flat was the closet from the cafeteria and the university. And so, little by little, they started to create small habits as a couple that was living together, even if none of them had talked or hinted at it. 

Nevertheless, no matter how safe and certain that situation was, Brian couldn’t help but notice how frail that reality was: it would take just the smallest of the fight and Nick would be gone, leaving him with only memories scattered around the flat. That image was scary, it literally terrified him because he was so comfortable and used to have Nick living with him that he didn’t even remember how it felt to live on his own, though it only happened a couple of months before. So, without even thinking about it and only using five words, a proposal escaped from his lips. And, really, it wasn’t so much then as a far – fetched idea and witnesses of it were Nick’s clothes mixed with his, art books and notes scattered around the table and, at least, there were Nick’s favorite food inside the fridge. They were already living together, even if no one had ever said something.

“Why don’t you move in?”

Silence, that just only some seconds before had been a comfortable presence in the room, wormed in between them like an evil snake, instilling the doubt and the fear that Brian had gone too far and crossed a thin line, only now visible for his eyes. Why wasn’t Nick saying something? Why was there an expression of utterly shock and confusion? Why was he feeling like he was the biggest idiot in the world? Always praising himself to know his partner as if he was part of his soul, he should had know better how to engage a matter so heavy and important instead than just throwing it like it was nothing. Flames of shame started to burn his face as tears filled his eyes, tears that he didn’t want Nick to see. Without even drying his hands, Brian surpassed Nick murmuring something about a delivery that he forgot it was coming that day. He took his jacket and stopped for a moment, hoping and dreading Nick coming over to talk to him: Nick would make fun of him about the joke of moving in and so they would return to their happy and romantic bubble, the storming clouds far away from them. 

It didn’t happen so Brian left the flat as a solitaire tear slipped away together with the pained feeling that he had just ruined his only perfect thing.  

Saying that Nick had been definitely shocked by Brian’s proposal wasn’t an understatement. And saying that he felt like being an idiot for not having stopped the boy... well, it wasn’t a euphemism either. 

The flat was shrouded inside a bubble of silence and only the sound of the water running could try to break in. Well, not exactly. There was also that clock, there in a little corner upon the wall, that was keeping track of how many minutes and seconds he was wasting standing there still instead than going after Brian and... Yes, what was he supposed to do when he had reached him? He would have to talk to him but, again, what was he supposed to tell him? 

He still didn’t know what the right answer was. A part of him wanted so bad to give Brian a little flick on the shoulder and reply, smiling, that he had already moving in with him, even if Brian never asked him or they never talked about it. Yet, there was another part of him, much more perfidious and much stronger, that kept him from going after Brian and made him think and ponder about that proposal. Were they ready for a step so important? The last thing he wanted to happen was to fight over silly and stupid things – like a wrong washing of clothes - with the result to drift away from each other, realizing that they had deceived themselves with the illusion of having a solid relationship able to survive every obstacles. He had seen many, too many relationships ending because too much wrapped around the cape of “true love” that they weren’t able to see and take notes of different point of views and didn’t want to change their habits in a sort of compromise for a new life together. Still he had to admit that it existed also the opposite, relationships that had failed because they didn’t want to take the chance and the risk, fighting their own fears and preferring running away and let the regret becoming their company. 

And in that delicate balance between pro and co, Nick realized that he had already given his answer, long ago when he had brought over his clothes for the day after and then left them there in case of needing. Or the first time he stopped over at the supermarket because he knew that Brian would be working until night and would have been too tired to do grocery or cook. The problem now was how to tell this to Brian: knowing his partner, Nick knew that he was torturing himself going over and over every words he had said and how he had ran away instead than staying and wait for his answer. He could totally picture the scenarios of destruction that were filling Brian’s mind, a hypothetical future where he wasn’t there anymore and just because his fears made him believe that he had ruined everything. But he knew he couldn’t just popping over the cafeteria nor calling him over the phone, only because that talk deserved better than a static line and imagining expressions and looks. He just had to wait until Brian would be home, hoping that he wouldn’t stay over the cafeteria and sleep on the couch, something that there was no doubt Brian was able to do. 

Something caught his eyes: on the couch there were still some of his clothes, he brought them only the day before and he hadn’t have the time to bring them back to his flat. Clothes. An intuition came suddenly, throwing away every doubt still lingering inside his mind and gifting him with the perfect way to make things right and, at the same time, it could be his answer to Brian’s question. Simple. And straight to the point.

The sound of the keys unlocking the door echoed inside the apartment, breaking the silence for just a lingering moment. In that second, though, the small and last hope to find Nick still there crumbled down like a castle of sand. 

Brian had postponed the moment of his return as long as possible and, at one point, he had considered the thought of spending the rest of the night here at the cafeteria. It wouldn’t had been the first time and he preferred waking up with a terrible backache instead than being not able to sleep because he was surrounded by Nick’s perfume but unable to hold it forever. He had thought about it over and over all day, knowing exactly where he had been wrong. Running away. What on earth possessed him to run away without even talking and discussing it with Nick? That was what couple was supposed to do and he had failed big time.  

Brian shook his head, as if the gesture could physically push away those thoughts far and far away from him. Neither of them were expert in those kind of things, especially him, so used to being alone. His jacket fell on the couch as he realized that the main reason of his behavior was the purest form of shame and fear: he had been afraid of Nick’s reaction, he had feared that the only words coming from his lips would had been of a permanent break up. 

Then, so suddenly, a noise startled him. A voice, his voice, encouraged him and forces his heart to beat furiously, as if there was a drum inside his chest that had decided to play at its highest volume. Brian found himself almost running those few meters that separated him from the bedroom. And there Nick was, kneeling in front of the dresser and surrounded by clothes. His clothes. The only thing that Brian wanted to do was jump inside those arms and hug him until he couldn’t breathe but, still, all he could managed to do was whispering his name, though it was chocked by the tears trying to escape from his control.   

“I wanted to surprise you. – Nick started to say. – I found this drawer empty and...” 

“It was mom’s.” 

Brian’s answer made Nick drop the pair of socks he was holding. “Oh. It’s...I can always...” 

Brian found that he couldn’t even try to form a simple word, much less a whole sentence. Everything had been made a victim by that vortex of emotions, still trapped inside in his throat and making so impossible to lei in air and oxygen. After all, that moment didn’t need any words at all because actions and gestures had already spoken for their souls: coming back home and finding Nick busy with the task of putting his clothes in the closet had been the most powerful and tangible proof that he didn’t ruin anything. Moreover, he had uncovered that little part that Nick had always guarded and protected from everyone else: and yet, Brian knew that now Nick was ready to let him see inside himself, just like he had done on the night of their anniversary. And he was going to do the same thing Nick had done for him: he was going to just listen and hear until Nick’s voice would end up in a soft whisper. 

Being so close, it didn’t take if not a slight movement to cancel the distance between them. Brian’s lips lied upon Nick’s, caressing them in a kiss that, at the beginning, was the only way he knew to express himself to Nick while his arms came around Nick’s waist, rocking both of them still on the floor, still surrounded by Nick’s clothes and promises that they would try to keep. 

Brian took from Nick’s hand that pair of socks and placed them in the drawer. “Is it a yes?” 

“It’s a yes.”

Rain drops knocked against the window, punctuated by a gust of wind that left leaves, already turned yellow during its passage, clinging against the glass. Brian and Nick didn’t even know when it had started to rain, maybe some time after they finished arranging Nick’s clothes and before they lied down on the bed. Their  bed. Even if it was only the beginning, Nick could already see the change in their relationship, a step that went deeper and holding a much more important meaning: though still being two different individuals, there was no more distinction between things that had to be labeled as “mine” or “yours”. There was only one label that Nick couldn’t wait to use. Ours. Just like him and Brian ceased to exist as two lonely guys. 

Inside Brian’s arms, his head resting upon his chest and fingers caressing him through the hair, Nick realized that there wasn’t any other place where he would be able to feel so safe and protected. Moreover, he wasn’t scared anymore to let out his feelings or emotions and discuss about them in the open. Before meeting Brian, he had considered them as a weakness, a misleading flaw that made someone blind and unprotected against the enemy’s attacks. To him, it didn’t exist a serious and stable relationship but only a series of faces that could last longer than one night but never enough to admit “yes, we’re in a relationship”. It didn’t take a scientist to know where that conviction had started to grow inside his soul and, though Nick had already talked about with Brian, there were still some details he had left out. 

“My parents divorced when I was just ten years old. It wasn’t something dramatic, at least they never fought in front of me or else. They told me that they were staying together only because of me. Only some years later I found out that dad had found someone else, fell in love with her and left us. Mom... mom didn’t take well the news of dad’s second wedding. I guess she was still in love with him. I don’t know. But... she started looking for her true love. They never lasted more than a month, two or three. Mom always asked them to move in the house or we were the one moving in. And when they broke up, I was the one that had to pick up her pieces, comfort her and remind her that there would always be someone who would always love her, though I was just a kid and I wasn’t supposed to be the one in charge. So, I told myself that I would never be like her. I would never give away my heart so easily.” The fingers in his hair never stopped their soothing motion, not even when Brian’s lips left a kiss as a symbol of words there was no need to say out loud in that moment. 

Brian had changed everything, most of all Brian had changed him. Because Brian had showed him a world he had only dreamed about, a world he had wanted to touch and be part of but never let himself close enough. With kisses and smiles, he had brought down every objections, every walls that surrounded his heart. Because of Brian, now Nick knew that the greatest thing was to love and be loved, even though sometimes it hurt and it didn’t last. 

“Surely we are the perfect couple.” Brian said out of nowhere, managing to make Nick smile. 

“Didn’t you say once that it was destiny for us to meet and fall in love?” 

“Yes. One way or another, we were meant to be together.”

They both loved living together. 

Nick loved waking up in the morning and listening to Brian’s singing as he made breakfast, the strong-smelling of coffee that came from the kitchen and that “Good morning” whispered with a kiss before going out. He didn’t love, though, doing the laundry since he never understood why the clothes always end up with a different color. Brian loved coming back from an exhausting day from work and university just to find Nick busy with making the dinner, the table already set up though sketches and book had been pushed to the farthest corner. On the contrary, he didn’t understand the need to make the bed before going out since there would undo it at night. 

Saturday’s afternoons were Nick’s favorite: him and Brian always took the day off from working and studying and they would spend it doing the housework together, most of the time laughing and playing around. They still managed to finish before the evening so that they could go out for shopping and seeking small and new restaurants to try. Brian preferred the Sunday’s mornings when they would sleep until late, doing the crosswords in the newspaper before going out for a walk in Central Park. 

Both of them loved the nights, the one when Brian didn’t have the late shift at the bar, spent cuddled up on the couch: sometimes, they were busy with different things like composing a new song or drawing; other times, they were absorbed by the exams and so the hours were consumed with studying until it was too late and one of them, usually Nick, had to force the other to bed and had some rest before working in the morning. Still, most of the time was spent watching old movies in black and white, movies that Nick had never seen and that Brian loved so much. Those nights would end up with Brian dozing off and Nick trying to change channel with the remote control only to have Brian, punctually, murmuring something like “I’m not sleeping” but without even opening his eyes. Nick could only smile and grab the blanket they always kept on the couch. 

It wasn’t always rainbows and flowers but they had always known this. Brian, for example, didn’t stand the fact that Nick always finished something, like milk or coffee, and didn’t write on the grocery list. On the contrary, Nick hated the fact that Brian always left books and notes scattered in the living room, where everything had its place. But those little fights had turned and became a simple way to release steam, stress and tension and usually happened when one of them had reached his breaking point. And they always ended up with Nick going at the closet market to buy the things missing, maybe adding a little surprise while Brian would start cleaning the living room, singing and managing to convince Nick into dancing with him. 

But, on top of everything, Brian loved the fact that the house wasn’t lonely anymore. He had lived alone in that flat, surrounded by memories and faded love, for so long, too long, and he wasn’t used anymore in finding ways to tire and exhaust himself so not to think about all that he had lost. Now, he didn’t have to feel like he was stepping and living in a house of ghosts. Now there was someone waiting for him, someone who would be worried if he stayed up too late studying or working, someone who would be concerned about his health. He had finally someone willing to take care of him and he had someone to take care of. 

Yes, Brian loved living together with Nick.

Brian turned up the collar of the jacket, trying to protect as much skin as possible from the sharp cold and from the raindrops. Although there was a part of his body that was welcoming that sensation of slowly numbing the fire that was currently burning his ankle. He couldn’t even remember how he got hurt, just that one moment he was up on the ladder attempting to put away the last delivery and the next one he was on the floor, a little bit confused while lightings of pain were climbing up his nerves and they all were born from that ankle swelling with each passing minute. 

Of course it had to happen the only day there was no one else in the cafeteria to help him, given the fact that Aj had called in the morning saying that he had some family matters to attend to. He had no one to call for help or to ask to come and cover his shift. A part of him, in the back of his mind, knew that he could call Nick and be sure that he would come and help him but he couldn’t force himself to dial those digits. What could Nick do? Nothing and Brian didn’t want him to waste working hours only for a swollen ankle. So he just gritted his teeth, curved his lips in a smile and used every break to put some ice on the injured foot waiting for the closing time. Adrenaline kept him on his feet but now that he was going home, it seemed like every energies had lost their way inside his body: his steps became slower and slower while the burning pain regained attention and consideration. He was about to stop and pull out his phone, thinking to call Nick and asking him to come and get him, when the boy appeared in front of him, some hairs wet and already curled and an umbrella clutched into his hand. 

“I thought that you were out without the umbrella and... -  The end of the sentence was lost behind the growling of the wind as Nick looked closer and better at Brian. Something was off. Something was wrong, judging by tightness of the jaw and how pale Brian looked when lightning stroke suddenly. – What happened? Are you okay?” 

Brian chewed his lower lip, usually a nervous tic but in that particular case it was just an attempt to suffocate a groan after another rather sharp pain. “I’m okay.” 

“Sure.- Nick replied in a sarcastic tone. – And my hair are black.” 

“You would look amazing with black hair.” 

“And you’re definitely changing subject.” 

“I know. But I’m not gonna turn you into a hem mother only because of a sprained ankle.” 

With a frustrated sigh, Nick put his arm around Brian’s wait so that he could lean on him. “So your plan was to fake that you’re not hurting?” 

“More or less. I’m pretty good at it.” 

Nick’s reply arrived in a sad tone, as an ache started to born within his heart thinking how many times Brian had to fake being okay just so he wouldn’t worry someone else. “I don’t doubt it.” 

Together, they started to walk slowly towards the flat ignoring the curios stared of people around them. Once at home, Nick made Brian lying down on the couch before going in the kitchen to find a pack of ice and some painkillers. He had thought about going at the hospital but immediately dismissed the thought: it was already evening and it was a minor injury, there was no point to waste an entire night for something so small. 

“How bad is it?” He asked as soon as he got back, sitting down next to Brian and brushing off some hairs that had fallen over his eyes. 

For a moment, Brian hesitated, long used to lie and make believe that everything was alright. But now there was no need any more to lie, especially to him: he could admit it and his admission wouldn’t be lost in the nothing. “It hurts. – He replied, observing Nick’s reaction and the expression of feeling useless starting to shadow his eyes. The instinct kicked in, focusing on him would keep away his pain. – Stay here with me.” 

“You sure? I don’t’... I don’t want to hurt you more than you already are.” 

“With your long legs, the only disadvantage is that you’re gonna freeze from the ice.” 

The laughter melted the tension and soon Brian found himself enveloped inside the warmth coming from Nick’s body. It wasn’t that bad letting someone else take care of him, Brian thought as the slow caresses on his back relaxed him until he fell asleep. 

To be late December that morning seemed to be an early gift of spring with its lukewarm sunrays that peeped inside the room, illuminating the parquet floor and giving to it a resonance of honey. Brian woke up beneath a blanket of silence, half-closing his eyes that still were used to the dark provided by the sleep. He remembered how painkillers and warmth coming from Nick’s body had lulled him until he fell asleep, though he recalled that he did on the couch instead than the bed where he was laying on in that moment. He would like to have the memory of Nick carrying him in the bedroom but, reluctantly, he knew he would have been embarrassed if he had been conscious. If there was one thing he hated the most was being that vulnerable and weak and let people see and witness that side of him. And yet he couldn’t seem to be able to keep up his strong façade with Nick and he was kind of loving being, again, the centre of attentions and care of someone else. 

“You’re finally awake! I was starting to think that I gave you a sleeping pill instead than a painkiller.” Nick exclaimed from his spot against the doorframe. 

Brian stretched his muscles, simply extending his arms above the head before turning slowly, being extra careful of his ankle. “What time is it?” 

“Two p.m., more or less. This morning you were sleeping soundly so I went to the museum for a few hours. I’ve left you a note in case you would wake up.” Now that he was more lucid, Brian noted the post-it on the cushion near his, scribbled down in that writing sometimes hard to define. He couldn’t help but smile while reading the last sentence, a warning not to jump around the flat until he would be back. He didn’t roll it into a ball but, instead, he put it inside his drawer, there with all the notes and things that Nick had given him. When he turned around again, Nick was already by his side, a veil of worry obscuring his face. 

“Ehi. – Brian murmured, taking one of his hands. – It’s just a sprained ankle.” 

Nick grumbled. “I know.” 

Brian frowned at that tone, where a little bit of angriness slipped unconsciously.”Why are you mad?” 

“I’m not mad.” 

“Yes, you are. You always nibble the corner of your mouth when you are mad but not wanting to let it show.” Brian replied, placing the tip of his finger on that spot that had been tortured until that moment. 

Nick sighed, knowing that he couldn’t lie anymore. “It’s... I just don’t like when you are all alone at the cafeteria. You could have been hurt worse than a sprained ankle and no one would have known.”

“But it didn’t happen.” 

“But it could. And why you didn’t call me?” 

“You were working! I wasn’t going to let you leave your job only for a sprained ankle! Nick, what’s the real point?” 

“You weren’t going to tell me!” Frustration made Nick’s tone a little louder than what he intended to. 

Brian looked down, his fingers playing nervously with the hem of the blanket. “I just didn’t want to worry you. I... well, no one has ever cared whether if I was okay or not.” He added then with a shrug of the shoulder. 

“That’s the point. – Nick replied with a softer accent. - I know that you’re used to being alone and not having anyone there for you but... but I’m here. You don’t have to hide things only because you don’t want me to worry. Because I’ll always worry, no matter how many times you’re gonna shut me out. It’s part of loving someone.” 

“What do you want me to do? Closing the bar?” Brian reacted on instinct, a sort of defense and protection of the only thing that he had been left from his mother. That was the reason why he had never changed everything, why he had kept the cafeteria even if he had been too young. That bar was his mother’s legacy and there were days when he could still feel her presence. 

“No, you know I would never ask you something like that. I know how much and what it means to you.” 

“And then what, Nick?” 

“Get someone to help you.” 

“Mom didn’t need one.” 

“I know. But she had you. – Nick replied, remembering how Brian had told him about those summers spent working behind the counter instead than being out and play with the other kids. – And she didn’t have exams, classes to attend or concerts.” 

Brian knew that Nick was right. Every words was filled with glimpse of truth and they painted an idea that had come to his mind a lot of times, especially from the day him and Nick had started their relationship. He knew he could hire someone, he did have the money for another salary and he did need more time off for classes and Nick. But every time he couldn’t help but feeling like he was disappointing his mother so he let the idea fading away and just keep going as usual. He let himself being enveloped inside Nick’s arms and he couldn’t be able to tell how much time they spent in that position. He only knew that, when he started to speak again, the sun was starting to left its place up in the sky. “I will. I’ll try to find some help.”

Yes, Brian had promised Nick that he would find someone who would help him with the cafeteria. But when he did, he didn’t think or phantom how hard that search would turn out to be. And mostly because he had to admit that he was really really demanding and hard to please. Truth was that the cafeteria wasn’t only his job – place, it was sort of a home and he didn’t want to hire a stranger or someone who just needed the money without any regard to what he had to do to obtain them. If there had been one thing he had learned from working along with his mother was that the bar wasn’t only a place where people came because the coffee was amazing: she had managed to create a place where someone could relax and let outside every worry or trouble, chatting with their friends or laughing or meeting new faces. No customers, especially the ones who kept coming through the years and still had memories of him when he was little, wanted to be served by a pouter or someone who considered himself bigger than that work. Unfortunately, that meant that he had to reject half of the people who came for the job. 

The bell of the door ringed as a new customer entered. A look at the clock and Brian knew who that new client must be so he started making the coffee without even waiting for the order. 

“You are my saving hero!” The boy exclaimed as he sat down on one of the stools. 

“Wow and only for a coffee.” Brian smiled as he passed him the cup of coffee. Since the day Nick had drawn him and his boyfriend, the boy had been coming in the cafeteria everyday and most of the time all alone. One day, thanks to the fact that it had been a slow one and there hadn’t been much work to do, chatter had led to another and Brian had found that they went not only to the same university but even attending at the same course, although Blaine – that was his name – was a year behind him. Soon their chatting had become a daily thing and a new friendship was born. They weren’t close enough to share secrets or else but they did find each other’s company fine and pleasant, especially since Blaine seemed not to mind staying there in those nights when the weather made difficult to go out for a coffee. 

“You know that is the true. – Blaine replied. – This is my corner of heaven. If I stayed a minute longer in that flat, I swear I was going to murder someone!” 

“Trouble with Kurt?” 

“No, thank God no. My brother. My annoying brother. You know how expensive flats here are in New York so Kurt and I are living with him until we have enough money to afford something on our own.” Blaine started to rant about his brother while, inside Brian’s mind, an idea started to take shape without finding objections to stop it. Why not? Sure, Blaine maybe didn’t want to work here or such but it wasn’t a bad idea. Being students, they could work around the shifts and, in the end, he didn’t mind having someone else to talk with during the dead hours. Aj always complained that he should have more friends. It wasn’t a bad idea. 

“Listen... I don’t know if it can interest you but... well, I need one more person here at the cafeteria. You need money for your house. We’ll be helping each other, actually. What do you think?” 

“The only thing I know about coffee is how to drink it.” 

Laughter rose up and replied at first. “Don’t worry. It’s not that difficult. But only if you’re interested. I don’t want to force you or something.” 

“No, of course I’m interested. I love this place! – Blaine replied with a huge smile. – Thank you.”

Hands were shaken, sealing a pact that didn’t seem only about work. It seemed like a new friendship were born. 

It was one of those nights where the stars couldn’t shine, for they had been hiding behind dark and gloomy clouds that one moment seemed ready to change into a storm, while others seemed to slip away at the first breathe of wind. 

Brian and Nick were walking on the sidewalk, close as they could be, cheeks and noses red because of the cold air. It was a Saturday night and that day had marked the beginning of Christmas’s time: the already bright lights of New York seemed to have exploded in a flurry of red, blue and gold while notes of famous songs fluttered outside each store. 

However, that day the stores weren’t the destination of the two boys. To be honest, even Nick didn’t know exactly where they were heading to, just that they were going to watch something, one of those old black and white movie that Brian loved so much and that he faked to be interested into only for his sake. 

“... I didn’t know about this place. It had been Blaine who...” 

Nick stopped abruptly. Blaine. In the last days, all that he had heard from Brian was a lot of that name. “Blaine did this.” or “Blaine and I” and he was so sick of it. A logical and rational part of his mind knew that he had no reasons at all to worry about this new guy but there was another part of him that couldn’t rest. It was like a little voice had started to rise, getting stronger and stronger every time Brian talked about him but he never said anything because he wasn’t and he didn’t want to be a possessive boyfriend. But, still, he was fed up and tired. 

“What’s wrong?” Brian asked, frowned and slightly concerned. 

“Who is this Blaine?” 

With eyes wide opened in astonishment, Brian felt a tip of annoyance starting to grow inside him. “What do you mean?” 

“It’s a simple question. Who is this Blaine you keep talking about?” 

“Are you jealous?” 

“Should I be?” 

Brian let out a frustrated sigh. “I don’t even want to answer to this nonsense. - Brian replied without mincing words, resuming his steps like that conversation didn’t even take place. But after some seconds he realized that Nick was still standing there, on the same spot, so he turned around and walked back with his arms crossed in front of him, and not only to shelter. – Blaine. The guy that started to work at the cafeteria. The guy that you have drawn together with his boyfriend. That Blaine.” 

Nick’s lips formed an o that felt like surrender and guilt. He looked down for a second, observing the tip of his shoes, before finding the courage to look up again to Brian. He felt so stupid to have let that blind emotion taking control over him. Worse, he felt so ashamed to have doubted Brian. “You didn’t tell me about him. You just started talking and all I could hear was his name.” He tried to justify his actions. 

“I told you that I’ve found someone for the cafeteria. You simply didn’t listen to me because you’re so worried about the museum and exhibit.” Brian scolded him, though a smile softened the scolding in his tone. 

Relief swept inside the breath that Nick let out, as his hand went and found Brian’s. “I’m sorry. – He said, kissing the cold palm of the hand. – It’s... You’re so special. I’m afraid people would find out and take you away from me.” 

“I’m special only for you. The other people just see a normal guy. And maybe a little boring - Brian said comforting Nick. Tiptoeing, he brushed his lips against Nick’s while the boy held him close in a tight hug, not really wanting to let him go. – Nick, we have to go.” He added, rubbing his nose agains Nick's. 

Unwillingly, Nick stepped away while they resumed walking side by side. “Yeah. Casanera is waiting.” 

“It’s Casablanca.” 

“Small details.”

The movie had just ended when thunders and raindrops could be heard coming from the outside. 

“Why didn’t I take the umbrella with us? I knew it was going to rain. – Brian grumbled, leaning against the wall while watching rain becoming heavier and heavier at each passing seconds. – What are we going to do? Wait or call for a taxi?” 

Nick didn’t reply but let him intuit that he had something in mind with that mischievous look in his eyes. Keeping up with his silence, Nick grabbed Brian’s hand and dragged him out, just as if he didn’t notice the storm pouring out its voice through buildings and cars. 

“Nick! Nick! Are you crazy?” Brian shouted as he tried to wiggle out of Nick’s grasp so that he could avoid getting himself wet. 

“Come on! – Nick replied with a huge smile. He let go of Brian’s hand and stood on the sidewalk, there where he wasn’t sheltered from the cinema’s roofing. -  Don’t tell me you’ve never run and walk in the rain!” 

Brian was watching him with an expression mixed between being amused and shocked. Though, there was a small part, irrational, that was trying to push him into following that crazy man he loved without caring or giving importance to people passing by or logic objections. “You’re gonna catch a cold!” 

“Who cares? Come on! Come here!” 

Brian busted into laughter: Nick looked like a little child with a smile that lighted up his face, his hair already wet and forming little curls at their extremities while jumping from a puddle to another. His enthusiasm was so contagious that Brian found himself finally joining him, every objection muted and then defeated. He came upon Nick, feeling the unique sensation of the rain hitting his body, drops that sneaked into every angle left uncovered by the clothes and the slipped on the skin, making him tremble in a way that only Nick’s touch had ever accomplished. 

“You’re crazy!” 

“Aren’t you having fun?” Nick replied, making Brian swirling around himself. It was like a dance, though there was no music surrounding them. 

“I’m crazy!” Brian exclaimed, following Nick into those silenced steps. They were laughing, they were looking at each other losing themselves and there was nothing that could shake them out from that little bubble they were surrounded in. Only Nick could have that kind of power on Brian and, even after months and months of being together, he was able to bring back that boy who hadn’t been able to enjoy his teenage years. Because that was what Nick was doing, he was giving back to him those years in a gesture that seemed apparently so crazy and insane.

“Well, at least we’re crazy together.” 

They kept dancing to that tune that only existed for them, a dance that then turned into a chase around parked cars and people who would stop and stare at them with a disapproving expression, their umbrella firmly held between their hands. Arrived at the door of their building, both Brian and Nick leaned against the wall, catching their breaths but still feeling the rain falling against them. It was a sudden spark that pushed Brian against Nick, his hands holding Nick’s face and lips crashing together in a kiss that burned without being touched by cold or rain. 

In that moment Brian realized that he could never be able to love someone else but Nick. “I love you” He whispered, his words breaking among the thunders and the lighting

“Eetciù!” 

“Bless you!” 

“Thank you.” Nick muttered as he tightened up the blanket around him. Still, it wasn’t enough to stop the shivering that had started to ramble inside him that morning. 

“I’ve told you that it wasn’t necessary to dance in the rain.” Brian whispered, putting aside some hairs with a caress. He couldn’t help but frown when his hand touched Nick’s forehead and realized how hot it seemed to be. When he started to get up, wanting to get a thermometer, a hand stopped him before he could put a foot on the floor. 

“Don’t... – Nick started to say but a cough interrupted him. - ...go away.” 

“I was just going to get a thermometer.” 

Nick, levering on the wrist he held tightly in his hand, pushed Brian with the result of having him falling on the bed against him. “There’s no need.” 

“Yes, there is. I need to know how high your fever is.” 

An arm twirled around Brian’s waist as Nick propped his head on his lap. “Doesn’t matter. – It was Nick’s reply, highlighted by a sneeze and a cough. – I’m not seeing pink elephants so I’m fairly certain that you don’t have to worry much.” 

Brian searched and found a much more comfortable position, surrendering and accepting that Nick wouldn’t let him get up.  “Pink elephants? Really?” 

“My mom said that I did an interesting conversation with them.” 

“This is something that I really need to hear. – Brian commented as he kept caressing his hair. – But only when you’ll be better. Try to rest a little.” 

Nick snuggled even closer to his boyfriend, though he made him feel warmer. He didn’t care; he hated being sick but how could he hate being so taken care of? Thus, among the rhythmic stroking and that soft humming of a melody he remembered he loved so much, Nick fell asleep. 

That night turned out to be troubled: chills had persecuted him, interrupted by the heat that arrived few seconds later; the cough had prevented him from sleeping peacefully for more than half an hour and some horrible headache also had seemed to reverberate in the room. Yet, for the first time, his timid complaints weren’t dispersed in the air but there had always been a voice, warm and reassuring, that had calmed him down and listened while careful hands had changed the cold compress on his forehead or had leaned a glass of water against his lips. 

Nick had wanted to apologize, it wasn’t up to Brian to stay up all night because of him. Perhaps, he had also murmured it but all that he had collected as a response had been a “Don’t be stupid.”. 

He hadn’t even expected to find the boy at his side the morning after, although Brian was concentrated on the book he had in his hands. As soon as he realized that he had woken up, Brian gave him one of those smiles that still made him melt. 

"Shouldn’t you be in class?" 

Brian raised his book. "Exams." 

"At work?" 

"Blaine is replacing me. – Brian answered as he leaned to leave a quick kiss on the forehead, fortunately no longer as hot as the night before. - I'm at your disposal. Consider me your personal automatic dispenser of cuddles. " 

Nick found himself out of breath, it was the first time someone changed all his plans just to stay with him. Almost like that few times that his mother had given up an appointment to treat him. With a small smile on his lips, Nick went back to sleep after a few seconds.

                                                                            ****

Brian opened the door of the museum and his eyes immediately began searching for the girl he had come to see. Mya was another of the inters, hired almost simultaneously with Nick. The two had became friends quickly, after that embarrassing moment when Mya had asked Nick out for a date and he had to inform her that he couldn’t accept as both of them were playing for the same team. From that moment, though, a great friendship was born and often the girl was at their house for a dinner or just for a coffee and little talks. Finally, he found her intent to move a thousand sheets from one desk to another. 

"Hey. -  He exclaimed, catching her by surprise. - I brought you the documents you asked Nick for. " 

"Is he still sick?" 

"On the road to recovery." 

"I bet he appreciates being coddled." 

"Who doesn't?" 

The girl laughed. "You're right. Want to go for a ride? There are missing still a few pieces but the show is almost complete. " 

"Oh, I get a preview!” 

Mya put her arm under Brian’s as she began to guide him to the corridors. "Well, after all your boyfriend is one of the organizers." 

"There is a reason why I’ve chosen him." 

"Always modest!"

The couple moved between the various pavilions with Mya explained to Brian the common thread that bound together every little piece, adding here and there some more frivolous notions. Arrived at the last painting, they remained a few minutes in silence to observe it. Mya was waiting for that opportunity for a long time, from the day when Nick had communicated his answer. She knew it was wrong but if there was one person who could change his mind that would be Brian. 

"Can I ask you a favor?" 

Brian looked away from the picture he was looking and turned to the girl. "Of course." 

"I know that is not my business but he has worked so hard and I don’t think it’s fair that He renounces to Europe..." 

"Wait. - He cut her off immediately. - Europe?" 

"He didn’t tell you?" 

"No." Brian replied in a whisper. 

"Maybe ... I should not ... " 

"What are you talking about?" 

"We were offered to go to Europe for six months to follow an exhibition. This exhibition. England, Spain, Italy ... " 

"And Nick said no?" 

Mya nodded. "I thought you knew. I thought you could change his mind. " 

But Brian wasn’t even listening. Nick had given up his dream, because for months he had done nothing but tell him how much he had wanted to travel and go there in the Old Continent, where art was born and flourished. Nick had given up on everything. It didn’t take to be a genius, nor a surprising intuition, to understand why. 

I promise you. You won’t be alone again. 

Without even saying goodbye, Brian turned around and almost ran from the museum. He didn’t know what he would do, he didn’t even know what he could think about everything. The only thing he was certain of was that he couldn’t let Nick commit that mistake, he couldn’t let him giving up his biggest dream only to keep a stupid promise. 

And there was only one solution, although the most terrible. 

Brian remembered that summer, the last before that September day when everything had turned upside down. It was the first summer he had spent all alone and away from home. Three months of only breathing and eating music and he remembered how he had almost managed to break something when finally his mother had given him permission to go there. She had been excited for him, as always. 

Only when he found himself surrounded by her memories, in that odious and oh so painful process of deciding what to keep and what to leave, he had discovered that the enthusiastic smile of his mother, that distant day, was hiding something else: that vacation they had never done because she had never mentioned it to him. She had given it up only to let him realize his dream. 

The lights of a solitary New York walked beside him, a comfort that held the same feeling of multiple stabs straight to the soul. Soon, it would be Christmas and it looked like another cruel irony: feeling so happy that it seemed like walking on clouds as the Christmas spirit flowed in your veins side by side the blood. Instead, there he was, walking in the streets wrapped in a cloak cold, as every and single thought broke another piece of his heart. What was the right thing to do? 

Let Nick commit this mistake, this huge and big mistake, and hope that he wouldn’t regret it in the future? Let that secret crept between them, cementing its roots in the years and then explode when none of them would be ready to protect themselves? How could he pretend that nothing had happened, how could he act as he didn’t know that Nick had given up on something so big and important only because he had no one else but him in his life? 

It had always been like that, he was used to being alone and yes, it would be so hard to be, live and keep going on six months without Nick. But he could do it, even if it hurt just thinking about it. No, instead Nick had simply decided that he was so weak that he didn’t even deserve to know about it. Not even discuss it. Even if he knew that maybe his words would have been thrown to the wind because Nick was so stubborn that he would be able to say that it wasn’t his dream going to Europe and that was the reason why he had said no. 

Brian stopped at the traffic light, red as the anger that was burning inside him. He wanted to be selfish, keep what belonged to him and left empty those moral doubts that crowded his mind and soul. At the same time, he wished that Nick would had been selfish because he didn’t want to see him give up on that occasion that, if there hadn’t been for the two of them, he would have jumped at, without hesitation. 

If they had never been a couple.

If he hadn’t been there. 

That was the focal point, he was the pivot around which Nick was now deciding on his life. And maybe it was true, maybe love could be so powerful that it could completely changed you and the person you’ve always been because it required to think about the consequences that your actions could have on the other. But love shouldn’t ever stop you from achieving something, as if it were a sin to have dreams that belonged to a period where two people didn’t even meet. 

In front of the doorway, where a Santa Claus had been hung on the door and smiled at him, Brian blinked back the tears. The decision had already been taken and that night would be the last happy he would ever spend again.

**** 

The ticking of the clock chanted with unrelenting cruelty as the hours passed. 

One a.m., two a.m., three a.m. 

It was not a real ticking since the alarm clock was a digital one but Brian felt the invisible hands take into account that the night was slowly fading. Foolishly, he wanted that it could last forever. He was ready and would accept to live forever without seeing the light of the sun if only it would mean to be able to stay like that, with Nick curled up against him, and the illusion that they were living a dream without end. 

Those were the last hours that he would and could spent with his boyfriend, the last hours when he could touch him and repeat to himself and to fate that Nick belonged to him, as much as he belonged to Nick. Sleep had never lured him, it didn’t even tried seeing how his mind and soul both knew that those were the last moments of happiness they would ever taste, live and be able to touch. 

Nick slept peacefully, unaware of the storm that was waiting for him when he would wake up. Brian wanted to never wake him up again, he wanted to whisper him to stay in that world where no suffering could reach him, surrounded by all those pictures that they had created together. 

He wasn’t allowed to have that privilege. He deserved and earned the remorse, the guilt and the knowledge that, even though it hurt almost as if someone was ripping in half, it was the only possible solution. He earned to pray that the sun should never rise and that time could magically stop, leaving them in a bubble so that he could impress on his soul as much details as possible:  breathing in the scent and make it his own as it became more precious than the oxygen he needed to live;  moving his fingers through Nick’s hair,  that hair that was Nick’s pride and that he cured in a maniac way and remembering how many times he had hidden the face inside, those moments when everything seemed out of control and the only thing that seemed to make sense was him. It was Nick. 

His eyes travelled down, alighting on his lips. He lowered his face just enough to touch them quickly, trying to wrap their flavor in a corner inside his mind. In the morning, they tasted of coffee and toothpaste because although Nick loved the bitter smell he couldn’t bear to have it all morning. Sometimes, they tasted of him. And other times, they tasted of Nick and that was a flavor that he could never be satiated of. 

Brian loved every part of that body, like those arms that had always enveloped him in a hug whenever he had needed one or even when he didn’t need it, as if only through his body Nick could tell and express how much he loved him. 

The tip of the index had cherished all over Nick’s skin, reaching up to the little musical note that Nick had tattooed a few weeks before, there on the left on his chest. 

"Why the note?" He had asked him.

"It's you. Since we're together, when I think of music, I think of you. " It had been Nick's answer. 

Four a.m. Five a.m. Six a.m. 

The dawn began to peep through the window. Brian was still awake, his head resting on Nick's body, fingers intertwined with those of the boy.

For the last time.

Brian had learned on his skin that life wasn’t a fairytale: hoping for a happy ending, hoping that there would exist a fairy who would have tidied up everything that was wrong with one stroke of the wand, well, it was like the illusion that, overnight, the world would wake up free from diseases and wars just because someone had prayed for it before going to sleep. 

He wasn’t a cynic person, nor had he stopped believing in dreams. He had simply learned to be realistic and always wait for that time when life, fate or karma, would presented themselves outside the door with the bill to pay. 

But only now, only in that particular moment, Brian realized how cruel fate could be: it had given him the most precious thing and now it demanded it back. Without claws, without tearing or painful so suddenly that he couldn’t even realize what was happening. No, with a terrible irony, fate demanded that it was him who had to give it back and say goodbye to all that had made him a better person in the last few months. 

Break two hearts with one word, kill two souls with a blink of an eye, he almost could feel the blood rushing through on his hands, making him feel like the worst of criminals. 

He had waited, even in the pouring rain. He had waited until he had seen Nick’s smile light up seeing him, quickly crossing the road to reach him and then stopping suddenly because he had realized that something was wrong. Because he wasn’t smiling or hadn’t run to meet him. 

Brian couldn’t remember what he had told Nick, he was sure that he wasn’t even present at the time. It had seemed like his soul had vanished and left only his body in front of Nick, a robot repeating phrases and half explanations that they could not fill the void that was causing excruciating pain in that boy that had literally saved him. Yet now he was there to destroy him cruelly, with the only justification that he was doing it for his sake, that he was doing it so that the remorse and regrets couldn’t and wouldn’t poison their relationship. 

The rain had covered the screams, curses and spells that Nick had thrown at him. The rain had covered those words full of pain even when he had begun to run. Cruel and a coward, how many other things he would become that day? 

Brian had run, run away without even knowing where he was going. Everywhere and nowhere, just to put meters and meters, and then kilometers, between him and Nick, between him and happiness. 

He had run while Nick’s eyes were chasing him as a demons. His face was in front of him at every step, every person he stumbled against, in every corner where he ran to hide somewhere. Vacant, void of any light and filled by a pain so palpable even if he couldn’t touch it, that was what was left in those blue eyes he had fallen in love with. 

The cafeteria was empty when he entered. Empty and lonely just like him. Unconsciously, he had hoped that he might find comfort in the eternal presence of his mother if he went there. 

Not that night. Because her mother was gone. And so was Nick. He was alone. Again.

****

Nick had imagined when and how he would finally tell Brian that he loved him. By now there were only those three little words to crown a relationship that was traveling like a boat at full speed, a clear sea under them and no clouds on the horizon. 

He wanted it to be a special time. He wanted it to be so important and great that could take Brian’s breath away, make his eyes sparkle with tears of emotion and it would end with one of those kisses that always left him totally helpless, deprived of what he felt for the boy but filled beyond extent of that passion that burned in Brian. 

Yet, at the same time, Nick had imagined to say them during normal times, whispered because they already contained a weight and a power that, if yelled, would just blew the importance of the moment: he had thought about what situation could be the most perfect and, so far, the two winning were while they were in the kitchen preparing to eat or as they strolled through Central Park in one of their usual walking. 

Although, the best scenario, the one that always left with butterflies in his stomach and the feeling of being about to fly away, was provided by the image of the two of them lying on their bed, naked in each other's arms and still immersed in that world only made of sensations and ecstasy. 

So many times he had imagined it, yes, but he had never been able to foresee that he would say those words in a vain attempt to block Brian while he was babbling confused and meaningless phrases about ... oh, he couldn’t even remembered them! From the moment he had announced that he wanted some time off, his mind had gone completely haywire, unable to believe this was really happening, unable to believe that the pain in his chest was because Brian had torn his heart and then left the broken pieces on the ground. As if it hadn’t been important anymore. 

Nick had followed him into the rain, between streets that he didn’t remember ever see them and up to that place where everything had begun. It seemed so cruelly ironic that it would also be the place where it all would end. 

He shouted. Shouted until he was sure that he had been heard to the ends of the world. And while screaming, he slammed his fists against the glass of the door, praying that Brian could hear him and go out or come. Why didn’t he want to talk to him? Why weren’t they discussing about it? Why wasn’t Brian going tell him what was wrong so he could fix it? 

Finally, someone answered his prayers, even if it wasn’t the one he had hoped for. 

"Jay, please ... let me talk to him. " Nick didn’t care about begging, he cared only about rejoining those two broken hearts. 

"Nick, go home. He doesn’t want to talk to you. " Aj didn’t add that, in fact, Brian wasn’t talking at all. With anyone. Not with him or Blaine. He just sat there. 

But Nick didn’t listen. How could he leave when he didn’t even know where to go? Home was Brian, what was the point going there if he wasn’t there? If he didn’t want him anymore? 

"Tomorrow ... when he has calmed down ... go home ... "The words came to him in bulk but he didn’t have a voice anymore to keep on begging and praying. Brian had taken his soul and then threw it away, as if it was worthless. 

Aj had observed a few times Brian collapse under the weight of all that he held inside. He could count them on the fingers of one hand, and during those times, he could only watch his best friend with a sense of helplessness and uselessness clung around him. There had never been magic words that could make disappeared those tears or phrases that would erase the pain that hurt even those who only looked at him. 

That evening seemed to be even worse. There hadn’t been screams, there hadn’t been tears or rhetorical questions that made that time even more heartbreaking. Brian was just sitting on the couch, curled up on himself as if he wanted to disappear into his own soul so that he wouldn’t have to deal with the reality. Nothing seemed to rouse him from that apathy made of agony and despair. 

He and Blaine had continued to exchange looks just as desperate, trying to deduce from those who few clues what had just happened. Because the truth was that something had broken Brian and Nick up, and if, initially, Aj had felt anger starting to raise up at the thought that Nick could have done something so irreparable, all of his torture scenes had been deleted when he took note of the desperation interlaced in the boy’s voice when he had tried to call Brian out of the bar. Aj had told him to return home and he had ignored prayers instead of fulfilling them because it seemed almost foretelling the apocalypse if those two weren’t longer a couple anymore. 

Yet there Aj was, kneeling in front of his best friend, not knowing what to do to make him feel better. He would have listened for hours, if only he had begun to speak. If only he had opened a small window of opportunity to let him enter. He had no guarantees that could he heal him, but he knew it would be only worse if Brian had continued to hide. He was good, damn good in that game, and he had witnessed how much Brian could be self-destructive if left on the sidelines. Aj wouldn’t let him be, not this time. 

The first attempts to approach him resulted useless, for Brian continued to curl up and move away until he found himself against the arm of the couch. At that point, it wasn’t difficult to hug him, and although at first Brian had tried to protest, after a moment he clung to his back as if he were on the edge of a cliff but didn’t want to fall. 

Aj tried to reassure him, tried to tell him that everything would be solved, but even to his own ear those words just seemed useless palliatives that would last only until the morning. 

Blaine was still there with them and Aj was surprised, or maybe he shouldn’t have been knowing how much the boy was already fond of Brian. And he knew that even him wouldn’t go home until he was sure that Brian was feeling better. Until Brian was ok. 

A whisper, a voice broken by a pain that went far beyond what could be physically bearable, broke the silence of the room. 

"If I was the one breaking up with Nick then... why  does it hurt so much? Why?" 

The question lingered in the air but neither Aj or Blaine knew how to answer it.

*****

Nick didn’t know how much time had passed.

On the other hand, did it matter? Did it matter if it had been a minute or an hour or a day? No, it didn’t. 

To him, the time had stopped to exist at the exact moment when Brian had told him that it was over, that they couldn’t be Brian and Nick anymore. Without a justification, without a reason, without recrimination.

He hadn’t returned to home. Instead he had wandered and walked until his legs had sustained him. But even when he didn’t have any energies left, Nick hadn’t broken down, no. For some unknown reason, collapse meant admitting to surrender when, in fact, his heart and his soul wanted to fight. Even if they didn’t know who or what they were fighting against. 

Still, something was wrong. Surrounded by pain, clouded by tears that mingled with the rain, all that Nick continued to see in front of him was Brian’s while his words were the only sounds that his hearing could pick up on. And his sixth sense, albeit weakly, kept saying that there was something underneath, something that would and could explain that behavior so unexplainable. But Nick hadn’t more strength to deepen that warning because all that energies remained to him only served to protect himself from the waves of pain that continued to hit as if he was a helpless shell thrown into the sea. 

Unconsciously, Nick returned to his old apartment, the house that he had abandoned so voluntarily as soon as Brian had asked him to move in with him. And waiting by the door, almost like someone had informed him, there was Howie, his roommate and one of the few friends who hadn’t been left behind when his lifestyle had changed and he wasn’t longer available for parties and clubs all night long. 

He changed everything for Brian. No, it wasn’t right and fair saying that. Love had changed him, and thanks to Brian Nick had discovered that life was much more than sex and apparent happiness for a few hours. At the same time, though, thanks to Brian,  he was now finding out the back of the coin. He was realizing how empty, dark and distressing was a life without love. Maybe it was even worse than before because now he had to return to live after knowing what love was. 

He let himself be dragged into the living room, flopped down on the couch and covered with blankets. Only then he realized he was wet and shivering from the cold. But nothing would and could be able to warm him up. 

"He left me." Those were broken words, broken by an heartache that went beyond the tone of voice or the expression of his face. Those were words that implied an absence that, by each passing second, became more heavy to bear, even though it was inevitable and there wasn’t a way to avoid it. Those were words that didn’t need a response, a comfort or an invisible sponge that could erase them. And at the same time  Howie couldn’t stop him from picking up the phone and continuing to call Brian, even though he knew that he would never answered it. 

But no one would and could stop him from continuing to hope. Hoping that this was just a horrible nightmare and that soon he would wake up with Brian, who would looked worried at him before cuddle and reassure him that it had been only a bad dream and that he wasn’t going nowhere. Hoping that Brian would  take up that phone and fix back together what he had broken. 

Even though he doubted it.

The night came and went as morning arrived, bringing with it the same sadness of the previous day. Brian hadn’t slept that night: the hours had passed so quickly that he hadn’t even noticed that Aj had been next to him all night or that Blaine had fallen asleep in the chair. 

But now that the fog, made of clouds of shock and pain, was slowly fading away, Brian began to notice the world around him and how it had continued to turn in spite of what had happened in his own. He had left Nick and he had it done in the most cowardly way possible. That thought was enough to bring back the lump in his throat that he thought he had consumed that night. The day before, it seemed that there wasn’t any objection against that decision he made: it was the right thing, even if they would suffer. It was the right thing because, as important as he might be to Nick, he couldn’t and shouldn’t compete for being more important than his dreams. 

Despite all his good will, he didn’t know if he would be able to resist and carry on with the break up, especially if Nick would continue to call him. That was the reason why he didn’t answer his calls nor that he intended to do any time soon. Because he knew what he would do in that case: he would collapse on his knees, he would pray for Nick’s forgiveness and beg that Nick would take him back. Already those hours without him had seemed like a slow death: it was as if he couldn’t breathe because there wasn’t the scent of Nick in the air while his heart was beating faster and faster, more madly because it couldn’t feel the other beat that had always beat together with it. 

Why did he keep feeling so bad? Why did it still hurt? 

"Because you love him." 

Apparently, he had spoken that question aloud, or at least high enough to attract the attention of someone. A bit of surprise struck him when he noticed that it was Blaine, and not Jay, there with him. 

"How can you tell?" 

"Because I know that pain. I’ve been there too.. And I recognized that look, that heartache that you try to disguise because, technically, you shouldn’t be that desperate because you’ve been the one to have destroyed everything and the person you loved. It was the same one that welcomed me every time I looked in the mirror. " The boy sat down next to him on the couch, copying perfectly Brian’s posture. 

A few minutes passed in silence before Brian answered. "Was it the right thing to do? Leave him? " 

Blaine sighed, his fingers intertwined with some threads of the blanket still wrapped around Brian. "For a little while, yes. But just because I’ve forced myself to believe it. Do you know what Kurt told me when we got back together?" 

Brian shook his head. 

"He told me that a year, compared to the bigger perspective of a whole life to spend together, it’s nothing." 

"I thought you had moved together here in New York."

"No, I was still a junior when he graduated. A year away, him here in New York and me still back in Lima. I was afraid ... I feared that I could slow him down, prevent him to fully enjoy this new experience. Instead, I destroyed him and it's something that I will have to deal with forever." 

The implicit remained in the room even when Blaine walked out, leaving Brian with even more questions than before. Did he do the right thing?

*******

It had been a few days, even if to Nick it seemed like as if he had entered into a black hole where time simply didn’t exist. The days gave space at the nights, yes, but how could he perceive the change of light if there wasn’t any light in his life? 

He had always believed that he would never be reduced as his mother. Now, instead, he had to change his mind because not only he had been brought at the smae level but he was almost sure that it had been even worse, locked in the house for days - two but who was counting? - And the battery of the phone that he had consume in a few hours: he had called and called only one number and he had never received an answer. 

It hurt. Breathing, opening his eyes, everything hurt. Every moment when he realized that Brian wasn’t there with him, and worse that he had left him, it was yet another stab, others silent tears running down because now he didn’t even have a strong voice to cry out his pain. 

Nick wanted to hate Brian because he deserved more than silence, he deserved more than half lies told in a voice that wasn’t Brian’s and supported by eyes that weren’t the ones he still loved. 

He couldn’t hate him. Because every time he relived that afternoon, a particular, though small, lited up from the cloud of pain that had covered him until then. At first, it had been Brian’s posture the first signal that had triggered the alarm as soon as he had seen him: huddled in himself, arms around his waist as the only defense against the heavy rain. Then, the voice had come. Dull, devoid of any expression, as if he were reciting a message to an answering machine. It wasn’t Brian. Oh, maybe he had the looks and appearance, but his soul, the center of what had always been the man he loved, wasn’t there. Where he had locked his soul up, he couldn’t know exactly and, in the same way, he couldn't know why Brian had made that gesture even if he didn’t want it. 

And that morning, another piece, the most important one, had made him understand that he wasn’t the only one who didn’t want the break up. Brian’s eyes. Brian’s eyes were the final piece that had revealed this information, eyes full of suffering that had turned the blue in grey, a vain attempt to confuse despair with coldness. He had fallen. Taken suddenly, without even a warning, the first thing Nick had thought was the appearance of that situation. There he had found himself overwhelmed by his pain, he had let himself be guided by a desperation that he didn’t even know that could exist. 

It wasn’t as if the heartache had disappeared. No, that monster was still living inside of him, it continued to bask in his tears and woke up as soon as he let down his defenses in the vain hope that perhaps the worst was over. But Nick also knew that Brian was in pain and that, maybe, he was also suffering as much as he was. And that wasn’t a satisfaction. It was a double burden that had been laid on his shoulders along with the anxiety that was corroded by the thought that no one was helping Brian because no one but him knew how to take care of him. 

So, in the end, Nick wanted so much to hate Brian. Instead, the love continued to burn even stronger than before.

"It 's really a great exhibit. Well done. Congratulations." 

A handshake, a smile. It had gone on like that all morning, faces of strangers that overlapped with each other, along with a flood of expressions of congratulations that didn’t warmed him up. Nick knew that he should feel satisfied; he should feel his chest swelling with pride because the exhibition, the same one that had sweated and worked hard for weeks and weeks, was a success. But what was the point of all that ecstasy if there wasn’t anyone to share with? 

He had imagined that moment in a completely different way. He had imagined of turning around, still watching people coming and, suddenly, among all those unknown faces, there would be Brian. Brian would look at him with a look of absolute pride that made his eyes sparkle. He knew what would had happened then: he would had joined him and guided the boy through a personal tour, chatting about the paintings and adding those few details that only true and passionate expert could know. After that, he knew that Brian would had waited until closing time and then took him to celebrate that day at their restaurant, the one where they would always go for special occasions. Unfortunately, that would only remain a fantasy. 

"If you still haven’t recovered from the flu, I can stay." 

The voice, perhaps too shrill, of Mya brought him back to reality with hardness. There were no honey blonde curls or blue eyes in the crowd. Nick shook his head, hoping to chase away the image of Brian. It didn’t work. 

"Tell the truth, you want to be at home so that you can keep cuddling with Brian" The girl teased with a playful smile. 

The stab sank his claws so quietly as painfully. Nick fought back tears, hoping not to make her notice. But something escaped because a hand, a gentle touch, rested on his shoulder. 

"What's going on?" 

"Nothing ... It’s well ... - The breath trembled as he tried different phrases to not pronounce that sentence that still hurt so badly. But they didn’t exist. - ... Brian broke up with me. " 

"What? Why? " The shock and surprise was big but it could never reach the level of Nick’s. 

"If you find out, can you let me know?" 

It was a defense mechanism to joke about it. Even so, only Brian could answer him. But when he looked to reassure Mya, something alerted him: she had her arms around the waist and she was biting her lip nervously which made him thinking that she might know something. 

"Mya?" 

"I don’t believe it has something to do with the break up but ..." 

"But? - Nick repeated, approaching the girl and taking her by the shoulders. If she knew something, she had to tell him! Although if that would proved to be a little and useless detail, even if it had nothing to do with what had forced Brian to end things with him in that way, it was his right to know. - Please, My. If you know something ... if he told you something, you have to tell me! I'm going crazy! He didn’t tell me anything, he doesn’t even want to talk to me anymore!" 

Mya looked down unable to sustain the look full of hope and pain of Nick. "I told him about Europe." 

Nick frowned, confused. "Europe? Why would this have something to do with Brian?” 

"I told him that you had refused to go. I know that I shouldn’t and that they weren’t my business. But... I just thought that if anyone could still change your mind, that was Brian. I'm sorry. " 

*******

"... I can stay, it’s not a problem. " 

Brian tried to smile but it wasn’t enough to reassure Aj because his expression, even more worried than before, let him know that he had failed miserably. He didn’t want to be alone in that apartment and that had been the reason why he had spent the last nights on the couch in his office. At the same time, he didn’t want to keep receiving those looks of compassion mixed with the light of a desire, badly withheld, to give advice at any cost. He didn’t need them he already knew what he did wrong and what he should do, which was to answer one of the countless calls of Nick and explain, making him understand that he still loved him or that he never stopped. He simply didn’t have the energy to do anything, that was the reason why he had let himself being took back home by Aj. 

There was nothing left inside him, his whole being seemed to have left him so that it could be by Nick’s side, wherever the boy now was. Brian couldn’t remember what he had done in that time frame from that fateful moment in Central Park until that moment when he slipped the key and opened the door of an apartment that had never seemed so empty, dark and cold. He knew that he had been in the cafeteria, day and night, but those were confused and blurry images, as if he was watching the life of someone else. Not his. 

Somehow, Brian was able to convince Jay to return to his home. "Yeah, I'll call you in case of need. Yes, I'll eat something. No, tomorrow I won’t take a day off. " To do what? Stay at home? Home had ceased to be when he left Nick. Home had to be something warm and welcoming, not a constant reminder of what he had lost. For his fault. 

Almost autopilot, his feet carried him toward the bedroom. The bed was still unmade, the duvet thrown to the ground by Nick because he had been late for work that morning. They had both been late, having preferred to be together and use the last few minutes with hugs and kisses rather than worrying about wrinkled sheets and pillows that had been flown to the door of the bathroom. It was as if he could see them, two figures who exchanged a love that now it was almost too suffocated in that room. Suddenly, the scent of clothes Nick became too strong, too painful that it made reappear tears that hadn’t made their appearance in those days. 

He spun around, knowing that he would never be able to get back in there. It was like there wasn’t a way out, every corner was a reminder ready to hit as soon as he laid eyes on it. He couldn’t run away because that was his punishment. To remember knowing that it had been all his fault.

He went back into the living room and curled up on the couch, hiding completely in a sweater that Nick had abandoned around. It wouldn’t take much, a simple gesture and Nick would be there, his face simply enough to erase all traces of the cold that from the outside, where white flakes of snow were falling, had crept into every nerve inside his body. 

But Brian knew that he couldn’t call Nick. He wanted so bad to turn back time. But he couldn't.

The last time Nick had walked on that street he had done with a spirit totally different. How could he not remember it? He could pictured it even in that moment, walking hand in hand with Brian, looking and staring at the window’s of the shops and joking about what gift would be perfect for Jay. He remembered being happy, he remembered feeling like finally his world had found its speed and rotation. 

At that moment, however,  it could have been raining or snowing and still he wouldn’t even noticed. His mind was lost far and far away, spinning and circling around to all the information he had about what had happened in those last few days. 

Europe. Brian. The break up. 

He had been stupid not to say anything to Brian about that offer. Oh, he already knew what he would have said. Moreover, Nick knew with absolute certain what Brian would have done: he’d have immediately booked a plane ticket for him and a tour guide of all and each places where he would be, including an organized itinerary for each city. The only drawback? He knew that Brian would have not included himself in that journey as he knew that there weren’t even the small chance for him to convince his boyfriend to tag along. He knew that he would never be able to remove Brian from that cafeteria that, yes, was his world but it was still too small for a special soul like Brian was. And that was the reason why he hadn’t talked or discussed the plan with him. And neither his decision to refuse and not to go. 

Yes, Europe had always been his dream. But that was because he had always seen it as a chance to begin a new life, away from old vices and, perhaps, with the hope of meeting his soul mate and true love. Everything had changed when he had laid his eyes on Brian that morning: with a smile, Brian had managed to erase that dream and he had given him another, one that he had never even dared to build even in his dreams. 

Nick hadn’t say no just because he had promised Brian to never leave him alone anymore. Mainly, his answer had been because he couldn’t even try to imagine himself on the other side of the world for six long months and without having the security to return home and being able to hug and cuddle within Brian’s arms. So, at the end, he had given up Europe for himself. 

Brian. 

With that new piece of information, Nick already knew the flow of thoughts that had pushed the boy to make that decision. And that was because he knew the boy, he knew that he was the type of person that would have given up even his heart so that he wouldn’t be a burden for the person he loved. But, to him, Brian wasn’t and would never be a burden. 

He was angry. Oh, he was very much angry! The fury traveled in his blood along with the suffering, transmitting thoughts on how Brian had dared to take such a decision without talking. But then his conscience crept between the flames, reminding him that he had behaved in the same way. They had been both wrong, though there was one that brought on himself the most of their faults. And Nick knew that he was paying with pain and guilty. 

His heart had lead him until he found himself standing in front of Brian’s front door. Doubtful, he stood there for a few seconds, wondering if he should ring the bell or open the door with the key he still had and kept inside his jacket’s pocket. Maybe Brian wasn’t even there but hidden in the cafeteria. Every thought was, however, deleted when a scream echoed from the apartment, freezing Nick with a fear that he had never thought it was possible to feel. 

******

Brian didn’t know if it was the house that was cold and freezing or if he was then one that still had to warm up enough. Although he was wearing Nick’s sweater, warm and big like his owner, the chills continued to fight and battle inside him, as if they wanted to prevail on the tears and the pain that wasn’t physical but so overwhelming nevertheless. It was like a weight had been placed on his chest, preventing him from breathing normally, as if there wasn’t enough oxygen in the room or as if his lungs were too tired to continue working. 

Even his mind was tired and to the point of exhaustion after trying, unsuccessfully, not to think about Nick. It had failed because something would happen and his first instincts had been to turn around and comment, waiting for that smile as Nick would reply to him. Instead, he had found himself alone and the only smile had been the one of the silence while was stabbing him. 

No matter how tired he was, Brian didn’t want to fall asleep because without any barrier capable to curb all those thoughts that had nested in his mind, those were waiting in the darkest corners, ready to come to the surface and break up what little remained of his control. He thought it all had passed, he thought he was finally able to remove that anxiety he had always been victim of. That was the reason why he had never been close to anyone or let someone else get too close to his soul: because let himself attached meant having no defense against the possibility that that person would, suddenly disappear and leave him completely destroyed once again. 

And this time. Oh, this time it was even worse. This time he had only one person to blame for all that suffering. Before, it would have been enough to turn around for reassure himself that Nick was still there and  alive. Before, a simply message would have been enough to put to sleep the fear that something had happened. Now, all those fears continued to have the upper hand because he had no more weapons to use for the fight. He couldn’t pick up the phone and call him,  he had lost that right when he had told him that it was over between them..

The shivering became more intense, seeming like they on the verge of breaking bones and nerves, dragging him finally in a black background. He didn’t want to fall asleep  but he was too weak to resist.

The wind was blowing through the trees, hissing words that came to his ears but that he couldn’t understand the meaning they carried. All that they left behind them was a cold feeling, icy fingers huddling around every inch of skin.

Tighter and tighter, they sank their claws as if they wanted, no, they needed his blood. The voices rose, shouting, screaming, even if they came from a distance.

He began to follow them, running and running even if he didn’t know where he was going. In front of him, two figures continued to walk without realizing that he was screaming for them. Because he had recognized them. Oh, how could he not? They were the two most important people in his life, that's who they were.

Then, they turned. Their faces wore no expression at all, pale as to be invisible, almost ... no, no, no, no!

He tried to turn, to escape from the reality that had to be a nightmare but he found that he couldn’t move.

Paralyzed, he finally understood what they were saying.

"Good-bye."

There had been really a few times when Nick had felt that kind of panic, mixed with a shade of terror that now held him tangles within its web, as he still stood there on the landing with Brian’s cry that continued to echo in an infinite loop in his ears. It was that kind of absolute fear that made him kept dropping the keys from the hands or made him insert them wrong in the lock, a frustration that continued to grow with every failed attempt of opening the door. At the same time, still, deaf words of reassurance flown away from his lips, hoping and praying that Brian could hear them and would know that he was coming for him. But all he got in response was silence and that was almost more disturbing than the screams. 

Finally, the click of the lock broke through the thick surface of tension. Nick literally flung himself into the house, vaguely remembering to close the door behind him. Cold. That was the first thought that came to mind as he let his gaze wander carefully within those walls: the lights were all off, even the tree that they had so much fun decorating almost two weeks earlier. It wasn’t the apartment that he remembered, it was as if life had been banished from the rooms, as if no one still lived there. Before he could ask where Brian was, a groan, so choked that was almost a whisper, led him to the couch where there was the boy, huddled in a corner. Each lascivious tracks of anger melted away at the first sign of tears while a lump began to shake his throat as he realized what was wrapped around Brian’s body. One of his sweaters. 

It was instinct to make him act, just like all those nights when a phone call would wake him up in the middle of his sleep. In few steps, he found himself on the couch, that trembling figure in his arms, looking and searching for any way to calm him down. Usually, his presence was enough to bring Brian back from the last web of nightmare. But this time, even his words and whispers of reassurance weren’t enough to calm him. It was only when he placed his lips on Brian’s forehead that he understood the cause. For safety, also checked with the back of his hand but the diagnosis was always the same. 

At the beginning, he didn’t even hear the whispers. He could only feel Brian’s lips moving against his neck but the whispers were too low and muffled to be heard.  Then, they became almost a litany mixed with a sobbing breath too raucous. "I'm sorry ... forgive me ... don’t go away ... " 

"Shh, it's okay. I’m not going anywhere, I’m staying here with you. - Nick assured him. Or at least he tried, only managing to squeeze even more arms around the boy. But it was as if Brian didn’t or couldn’t hear him, trapped in his delirium just like when he was convinced to see pink elephants flutter around him. - Come on, let's go to bed. You'll be more comfortable. " 

"No! - Brian exclaimed almost in panic, shaking his head. - I don’t want to go there ... it hurts too much ... the memories ... don’t leave me ... " 

A tear, solitary, escaped his control. God, it wasn’t fair! It wasn’t fair that they both suffer so much for a trifle. "It's all right. - Nick murmured into Brian’s hair. - It's all right. I'm here with you. " 

******

Hot and cold were allied against him, imprisoning him in a web from which escape seemed impossible, let alone tempt to try. He was a weak prey under their attacks, but what made unbearable those moments, minutes and seconds, was the cruel illusion that Nick was at his side, busy to take care of him as if nothing had happened.

Although weak and frail, his rational part was trying to warn him and protect him because, when the feverish mist would fade away, the harsh reality would put him in front of the fact that he had dreamed the whole thing and that Nick had never returned, nor had been there cuddling him or reassuring him. Illusion, however, was too tempting to just dismiss it and be rational.

So, Brian surrendered, letting himself be overwhelmed by the smell of Nick.

________________

Everything around him seemed to burn but it hadn’t been those flames to bring him back from that half-sleep in which he had fallen. What had woke him up was the fact that Nick’s voice was gone. Even the hands. But not the smell, no, that still lingered in the air around him, on those sheets and pillow on which he didn’t know how he managed to land.

He tried to open his eyes but his eyelashes were so joined together by sweat and tears that he abandoned all pretenses almost immediately.

"Nick ..." The name left his lips only as a groan, his throat also a victim of the flames burning around and within him. Out of nowhere a glass appeared, leaning gently to his lips. Brian wasn’t afraid anymore, the illusion had returned because he could still hear the voice of Nick. "I ... sorry ... " 

The illusion created a caress on his cheek and a fleeting kiss on the forehead.

________________

When he woke up, after an unspecified period of darkness, heat and cold, the flames seemed to have subsided, leaving behind their passing only the desert and a weariness that had crept into every muscle, even those who he hadn’t thought they could exist. 

For a few seconds, he waited, waiting for something. Now that he was no longer a prisoner of feverish delirium, the knowledge that hearing Nick had been only an illusion became a cruel joke.

Slowly, Brian turned on his side. And that was the moment when he noticed it. He blinked his eyes several times but no, it wasn’t only his imagination. Asleep in his usual position, supine and with one arm tight around his waist, there was the blond hair that had tormented and, at same time, reassured him during his fever.

Doubtful, he reached out one hand to make sure it was all true. The movement, though small, was able to arouse Nick who at first, as always, looked around sleepily before laying his eyes on him. For a second, it was as if nothing had happened, as if they had never been separated.

The smile. That look. They were the same Brian had always woken up with.

"Are you feeling better? You scared me."

A simple question brought back reality between them.

"Why are you here?" He asked, his voice a hoarse whisper.

A shadow took its place in those blue eyes. "I know why you left me."

He should have known it. Brian should have known that Nick wouldn’t have surrendered so easily and that he would have gone to hell just to find an answer to his despicable action. And now he couldn’t escape. He wasn’t physically able to get up and run away and, maybe, escape wasn’t longer a priority. Just being there, waking up and finding Nick there beside him, had been enough to make resurface everything, all those feelings that he had tried to put somewhere far away from him, some corner where he couldn’t see or feel them. Now they were coming back stronger than before and he didn’t want to fight them anymore. 

“I know that the reason of this break – up is about the trip in Europe. I know that you did it for noble motives. And miserably stupid too.” 

Brian had expected anger. When he had thought about Nick’s reaction, he had expected it to be full of anger, screams and insults. Wasn’t that what usually happen in movies and books? So he had prepared himself and his heart for that moment. And yet, Nick was still surprising and shocking him. There was none of that. There was only an apparent calm, a cold and sterile list of facts as if they were talking about another couple, two people that weren’t them. 

“If... I was wrong. I was wrong acting that way. I know, trust me that I’ve always known that. I should have talked to you. But I was angry and I know you. You wouldn’t even want to hear what I wanted to say. You would have answered that Europe wasn’t your dream anymore. But we both know that it would have been a lie.” 

“But it isn’t a lie, Bri. – Nick replied. Brian tried to protest but a cough stopped him and let Nick continued his speech. – Listen. Europe, yes, it had been my dream. And do you want to know why? Because I wanted to run away from here. Europe was my chance to start a new life. Europe was my chance to meet true love. Can’t you see why it can’t be my dream anymore? Because that dream is already came true. When I met you.” 

Perhaps. Brian could blame those little lines of fever that still were battling inside his body or, maybe, he could put blame on the expression that had colored Nick’s face while speaking those words. But, whatever the reason might be, it allowed the tears to fill his eyes, before escaping one by one. Nick moved closer, resting his forehead against Brian’s. He wanted to scream, yes. The need and desire of shouting out all the pain was still lingering inside him. But they held up their hands and gave up their rights in front of Brian’s heartache for it was so painfully palpable that it prevented him to throw salt over those open wounds. Though, a part of him was feeling a little bit of satisfaction knowing that he wasn’t the only one bearing scars of what had happened. 

"I'm sorry ... no, sorry isn’t enough to explain how much I want to go back and erase everything that I’ve said and done. But I can’t, right? I can’t just undo so easily the wrong that I’ve done. All the hurt that I’ve caused you. – The words came out without a chance to control them even if every syllable was a flame that burned more and more his throat. But what was that compared to what he had inflicted on Nick? Nothing, not even a small part of tears. - I was scared. I was afraid that you were sacrificing everything for me. I couldn’t... I couldn’t allow another person to give up something so important only for my happiness." 

Nick didn’t even have to ask Brian who had been the first person to do that. He should had seen it because it was a pattern that always came back and placed itself between them, almost as if Brian was terrified to live a life outside the shadow of his mother’s memory and presence. On that point, they were so different from each other, they were the exact opposite pole because, while he had always tried to escape from the heavy name of his family, Brian lived in the memory and tried in every way possible not to let it escape from his fingers. Sometimes, Nick envied him. But most of the times he wanted to shake Brian and make him see how many opportunities he was letting escape by living like that. But he loved his loyalty; it was one of the things he loved most in Brian. Even if now he was the victim of this blade and a part of him, albeit tiny, doubted that the wound left behind could be healed.

***

"Why didn’t you tell me? About the offer, I mean." 

Now that they were together, now that they were in each other's arms again, Brian could see clearly where they had been wrong. When did they stop talking? And he wasn’t thinking about the small exchanges about how their day had been or things like that, but the important ones: they used to spend whole evenings where the only sounds audible were their voices, mixed together as they outlined dreams, future and hopes. Where did those go? If they had talked, if Nick had said something, if he hadn’t decided for both... maybe they wouldn’t have been in that condition, clinging to those remaining shreds hoping that they would be enough to bring them back together. But Brian could see a partial reason why they hadn’t spoke to each other. They did it because they wanted to protect themselves; they wanted to do what was best for the other regardless of how much it could hurt them. Without arguing, without discussing in fear of what would had been the other’s reaction. And Brian was aware of being the biggest hypocrites between them: he had always claimed that Nick’s love had made him a better person and, yet, it had been the reason why he had acted like he was the worst person in the world. And there was reassurance on how or if he could erase that weight from his shoulders. 

Under him, Nick stiffened for a quick moment. So Brian squeezed a little bit tighter his arms around his waist and, as usual, he could feel the exact moment when the tension melted away. "Perhaps, for your same reason. I knew you'd objected and I didn’t see why we should have fight for something that wasn’t that important.” 

Brian looked up, his eyes filled with surprise. "Not important?" 

"Yes Bri. You think that I said no only because I didn’t want to break my promise to you but... That’s not true. - Nick rested his chin on the top of Brian’s head, savoring that scent he had so missed for a few seconds. – The truth is that I know that I couldn’t be able to stay away from you for that long. Just these days spent without you had been as if someone had pulled out the plug: there was no light or sound. There wasn’t music in my life.” 

Brian took the blow without letting Nick knew it: he kept his eyes closed until he was sure that no tear, even the smallest, could betray him. Yes, he could had blamed the fever that was gradually rising up again but, in that moment, he didn’t care about going back to sleep. They had to talk, even if it meant going back trapped in that web of warm and cold. 

"But .. - The cough suddenly betrayed him but Brian almost sighed with relief when he heard Nick's hand stroking his back. - ... Nick, that wasn’t only an opportunity to realize your dream. Art is your life, you're damn good and attend exhibitions in Europe could open up so many doors for you. Why didn’t you think about this?" 

The fingers stopped a few inches from his head. No, Nick hadn’t thought of that angle of the situation. 

"You deserve all the best." Brian muttered, daring to rest your lips on Nick’s, fearing for a moment that he was going to be Instead, he found himself in that space and time that seemed to arise around them every time they kissed. It was like being complete and whole again.

Nick’s fingers, just like time, hadn’t ceased and stopped their movement: they circled Brian’s arms, they draw lines and traced words, promptly erased in fear that they might be not only read but, more importantly, understood. 

Love. Pain. Joy. Dark. Light. 

And in those places where fingers couldn’t arrived, his lips took care to that absence: they took back again their place on Brian’s mouth, tasting its flavor that he never wanted to lose again, and then they travelled on that skin too hot, erasing any traces of tears that should never been allowed to be visible to everyone in the world. He never wanted to see them or would been able to. 

He should hate him, that was what he was supposed to feel. He should hate him for all the evil, deliberate and voluntary, that Brian had inflicted on him, his soul and heart. Or, maybe, he should hated him for that precious trust that now was broken, as if it was the most fragile chain. A part of him, a small dark corner of his soul, never stopped hating Brian. Huddled in a corner, that resentment was growing second by second, almost as if it was nourished by the words of forgiveness that Brian had spoken, even during his sleep and still prisoner of the fever. For now, that voice was only a faint whisper, still too weak to understand what was demanding in a loud voice. That voice was suppressed by the other part of his soul, that part that seemed to be flying in the air because it was finally free and able to reunite with its other half, guarded within Brian. 

They had spoken. Before Brian went to sleep, exhausted and weak, they had tried to remedy those days and weeks of silence, unfolding and finding comfort in the words of the other. Brian was the one who had spoken more, trying to make sense of a heinous act, yes, but still evidence of a love that even now Nick wondered what he had done to deserve. And that was what had hurt him more, the knowledge that he hadn’t been enough to keep beside him something so special. 

Now was the moment when the fear was starting to grown and become stronger. He had forgiven Brian but he couldn’t forget how easily the boy had been able to destroy him, their relationship and their love. How could he be able to trust him again? Could he be able to return to believe in that love and in that man without having doubts that could devoured slowly his soul? Could he give back himself once again without having the fear that it could happen a second time and with more devastating effects? No one could give him that assurance because that was where the challenge of love lived: to trust blindly, without hesitations or prohibitions. What was the right thing to do? 

His mind traveled from thought to thought, like a spinning top gone mad. But only one remained motionless, almost as if it knew that, once the others had got tired, it would have had all of his full attention. That was the thought that had been waiting there since that bloody night, when he found himself screaming those three words that he had always feared only as a vain and desperate attempt to bring Brian back. And now, only now, Nick realized that Brian had never heard them. 

"I love you." He murmured unconsciously, leaning his forehead against Brian. 

He didn’t expect an answer. But it came anyway, even if weak and sleepy. “Me too.” 

***

Brian leaned against the door frame, remaining silent as he watched Nick intent on painting, wearing an old shirt, now dirty and, at some point, even torn. Yet, it was also the clothe he loved most on Nick's body. 

Once Nick had told him that for stealing and knowing every little secret about him, he had only to listen to him when he was playing or singing: immersed into music, all of his barriers fell unconscious, leaving his soul to be seen as crystalline as the sea. The same was true for Nick and painting. Pencil and white paper were almost always inseparable from his fingers but those weren’t the surface where Nick would poured his hidden emotions. No. When Nick felt that he was about to burst, canvas and brushes would come and talk, scream and cry for his soul. 

Exactly as in that moment. Even if the figure of Nick covered most of the canvas, Brian was able to capture what he was still drawing: from the left top departed long strokes of a dense black, so painful to the sight while in the lower, instead, silver and white mingled together. At the center, however, there was a dense red bubble where inside two stick figures recreated a hug. There, on a white canvas, Nick had represented them and their story: love, pain, and the two of them trying to get back on their feet. And now, now it was time for him to collect both and bring them forward. 

Even though every step that brought him closer to Nick was a piece of suffering, Brian tried to push them  as far as possible, replacing them with all the love possible just so he could be able to give it to Nick and, at the same time, he would try to heal the wounds that he had caused. He leaned against him, his forehead in contact with his back and his hands clasped on his stomach. After a few seconds, Nick’s hands leaned over his. 

"You still have a fever. You should be in bed. " 

Brian tightened even more around Nick. "It was cold. You weren’t there." 

"I was ... I needed ... " The sentence trailed off with a sigh, full of tears that wanted to go out. 

Brian put his lips on his shoulder, leaving a kiss. "I know." 

A few minutes went by silent before Nick could and be able to speak again. "I love you but ... I hate you. We were perfect and now ... now everything is ruined and I ... I don’t what to do. Because we can0t go back to what we were. And I hate you for that. " The last word broke while the first sob escaped away, followed by drops that were going to die on their fingers intertwined together. 

Brian said nothing, simply dropped both on the floor, taking Nick tight around him, just as he had done a few days before. Every hiccup was a sharp blade searching and finding new skin to hurt and scar but Brian ignored the pain, not even comparable to what Nick was feeling in that moment. 

"We'll make it through, Nick." He muttered, not stopping for a second to caress the back or the boy's arm.

"How?" 

"With time. It doesn't matter how long it will take me but I’m gonna make things right again. I’m gonna fix you. I'm gonna fix us."

"I need time. I need time to think and reflect. About us.” 

The words came suddenly, tearing the tranquility that now Brian realized it had been only apparent. He should have expected it, he should have expected that reaction from Nick but somehow, there had been the illusion that only a few words could be enough to heal and make them start all over again. Still, Brian had never believed, even for a single second, that Nick could use the same excuse he had used to justify the sudden break up. He couldn’t help but feeling shocked in front of those words chosen, as if Nick had deliberately used them so he could feel even just a hint of the pain he had caused him. 

“And you deserve it.” A cold voice whispered inside his mind. 

"Okay. – He then muttered, burying his hands in the sink to hide the trembling of the fingers. - Take all the time you need. " 

A sound of footsteps but Nick didn’t approach him. And that physical distance craved even more than any other silence of absence, being so close yet so far away from each other. 

"I’m not leaving you. I have ... I have ... - Nick sighed, leaning his hands on the edge of the counter. The tension that was stiffening Brian’s back was the same that was also paralyzing his body and Nick wanted nothing more than chase away everything. He just wanted to go back to the start and forgetting those days of pain and heartache. But every time it was bitter the realization that he had no longer that power. - I just have to figure out where we should start again. How we can be together. " 

Brian gave up the few remaining dishes and wiped his hands, turning to him. "Okay. I’m not pretending that you have to forgive me so easily. I will be here, always. - He tried making a step forward so that now only the counter was between them. - Can I call you?" 

"You have to. - The corners of Nick's lips curved, for the first time, into a shy smile. - Promise me that you won’t shout me out, Bri." 

"I'll be fine." 

"No, you won’t be fine. And... and you have every right not to be alright with this, Brian. Does it make sense? I'm not saying that I want you to hurt and suffer, but... " 

Brian blocked this other unwillingly shot, remembering once again that Nick had every right to enjoy his suffering almost as if it was a prize. He walked round the obstacle between them and, catching Nick by surprise, he clasped his arms around his neck as his lips went in search of Nick’s. The beginning was hesitant, almost as if he feared that he could be stopped, but when Nick began to respond, holding him even closer to him and burying his hands in his back, Brian gave up any doubt, instilling in that kiss all that he was feeling: love, yes, but also despair. So much, too much, but real and tied so tight with it. 

They pulled away after a few minutes, conscious of that sad goodbye so fragile. Brian just wanted to keep Nick always close to him but he knew that it wasn’t possible. Not yet, at least On tiptoe, he kissed his temple, then down again on the lips. "I will accept any decision, Nick. You have to do what is right for yourself, not only for us. Or for me.” 

He then found himself alone in that kitchen that had never been so big and empty at the same time. This time there was no resistance in stopping the tears so Brian left them free to fall and the worst feeling was that there would be no one to erase them. 

****

If he ever dared to imagine it, Brian probably thought that this was what an earthly form of purgatory should be, a limbo where he was living while waiting for a decision that it was no longer in his power. There was nothing that he could do or say to try to influence Nick for his final decision. He just had to wait and pray while debating what heaven and hell could be: heaven, if Nick would take him back or hell, if Nick decided to leave forever. 

In between, there Brian was struggling with a life he had never been able to live at its full. Everything had returned to be colored in those shades of grey, black and white, just as like his world had been before meeting Nick. That day had been like colors had sudden exploded inside his live and now that he was standing on the verge of losing everything it was bitter and sad to realize how lucky he had been. But Brian believed in Nick, he trusted him more than he had ever done with himself and if Nick had promised him that they would be back together, he didn’t have any reason to doubt his words. And he didn’t. He just doubted everything else, all that he couldn’t control and that he might destroy with only a beat of wings. 

Brian had always lived simply going on or letting himself being dragged by reality and the world, like one of those leaves falling on the water and found them unwittingly transported towards the ocean. The Brian Nick had never known would have continued living that way, waiting for the moment when a bolt of lightning would made him succumb and surrender. And he knew that this was the main reason why Nick had been, and still was, afraid: he had feared that by leaving all alone without any support, he would have found only a shadow when he would have been back. How could he not blame him? After all he had put him through, all those nights when he hadn’t been able to sleep if Nick wasn’t at his side, his magnificent way of exhaust himself so he wouldn’t have to think and make sense of his day. He would have been anxious and terrorized too if the roles had been reversed. 

Brian knew the hidden reason beneath those days of reflection and thinking over. They weren’t only that, they were also a test. Another one because he had already failed the first and so miserably not realizing that he had been sick and forced Nick to take care of him. Oh, he wouldn’t fail this second chance because Brian had the feeling that it was the last that would have. He would prove to Nick that he could live without him while still living and breathing for him. 

"Hey. From the descriptions almost to the point of paranoia that Nick gave me, I didn’t think I would find d you here already at work. - The voice of Jay appeared behind him, a slap of the shoulder that had always been their greetings. - But I'm not surprised." 

Brian smiled. He wasn’t alone, though. He had never been really alone. Sometimes it was so easy to forget that, despite how much he had closed up his soul, someone had managed to make their way among the thorns: he had friends, he had some flirting in the past. The only thing that he had never learned was that it was okay to trust those people that he had let inside or how to be less stubborn and accept that it was okay to ask for help when he was in need.

"We talked. A lot. And he needs a few days to reflect. On how to get back together. But he still loves me. And I love him too. " Brian explained, without giving Aj the time to ask about what happened. 

"You will make it through. A love like the one between you and Nick doesn’t break after the first storm.” 

Brian took the friend’s words and let them sink inside him, feeding this way the seed of belief. He trusted Nick. He believed in him. And so he could and would believe that they were going to be okay. 

It was a strange feeling that overwhelmed him when he got back to his old apartment, almost as if those rooms belonged to someone else even though in some corners there were still old sketches and his room had been left exactly in the same condition he had left it when he moved permanently into Brian’s house. That flat hadn’t changed but now he understood that he had been the one that had changed, he wasn’t longer that person and that Nick that had always tried to fill the void storming inside him by filling a void that was only and merely physical. 

That had been the reason why he had fallen in love with Brian at first sight. Brian, who had waited a month before asking him out for a date; Brian, who had waited that same amount of time before their first kiss and a lot more time before ending up in bed. And because of him, Nick had discovered that nights spent in each other’s arms were much more rewarding than a few hours embraced with lust and passion but vanishing along with night as sunshine chased them away. Most of all, Brian had turned out to be what he had always searched, even if only subconsciously: behind his smile and that appearance of strength there had always been a fragile soul who had waited for that moment when someone would noticed it and take it under his wings. 

As for him, on the contrary, he had always wanted to have someone to take care of, just like he had promised himself he would after the first pseudo boyfriend left broken his mother: that day, as he tried to cheer his mother, he had vowed that he would never be like those men, too much busy into satisfy their desires to realize how much the other person was depending on them and their love. And that was the reason why he had never been in a stable relationship, preferring quick and easy one-night stands instead than incurring in the risk of ruining someone only because it turned out to be too much to bear. 

That was the main reason why Brian and he had been the perfect match. Nick had understood it that first night that Brian had called him after a nightmare and watching him sleep peacefully in his arms had been a feeling and a sensation he couldn’t even explain, like new blood had begun to flow in his veins: knowing that he had that power, that he could erase tears and create smiles with only his mere presence, that had been an infusion that couldn’t be compared with any ones he had felt before. 

He had always put Brian as the main focus of his attention and, still, he hadn’t noticed that subtle change in him, that moment when the situation had been reversed and Brian had started to put him, his dreams and desires, at the center of their world. That was what had hurt the most. Of course, the sudden break, the train of insecurities and fears that had overwhelmed for days and days without a breather, all of that had left marks and scars that still had to vanish. But, for the first time, he was being the one that needed care and attention. And he didn’t want to be that fragile. Still, a part of him longed to try, at least once in a lifetime, how it would feel to be on the other side. If it was that simple, though! How could he trust Brian? How could he put himself in the hands of someone who couldn’t even take of himself? 

Nick was afraid. No, he was literally terrified of being betrayed once again, he feared that it could happen again and, that time, he wouldn’t be able to forgive Brian. Despite everything, however, love had taught him not to give up. And that was what he would do. He wasn’t going to give up love and Brian.

****

The bedroom, their bedroom, wasn’t longer something to be afraid or fear of.

Brian flopped down on the bed, his hands unconsciously went to look for someone that his mind knew that he wouldn’t find; it was his soul that kept expecting fingers that would began to stroke his hair while Nick’s voice would ask him if it had been a tiring day at the cafeteria. “Yes, it had been.”  Brian mentally replied even though it had been a lot less that he had expected it to be. Thoughts of Nick and their whole situation had always been there inside his mind but the light of the day held the power to put them back in the darkness leaving him free to take care of the coffee shop, that day full of nostalgic and old clients that wanted to talk and remember the past, and prepare a project for his next exam in the break time. That had always been his weapon, keeping himself busy until he had enough energy just to get home without getting in trouble or lost somewhere. Especially because it wasn’t the day to be difficult to go by but the nights, when nightmares would rise and be feed by the shadows. And it was during those hours of dark that loneliness hurt the most.

“No, you're not alone.” Brian repeated mentally while crouched in the side that had and would always be Nick’s. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Nick stared at the phone, the documents he had tried to read were now almost forgotten. It was late evening, from Howe’s room noises and sounds had ceased for the past hour and the only light turned on was his small lamp on the nightstand. His mind was somewhere else, undecided whether or not to take up the phone and make sure that Brian was okay. It was strange but a part of him wanted the damn thing rang, as it had done so many times in the past, and that voice that appealed to him, though without uttering any supplication, to go to him. That place, where the love still beat for Brian, now yearned at the thought that the boy was alone to face his nightmares.

But he couldn’t always run at the first sign of a nightmare. How would he do if he ever decided to leave for Europe?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Hey."

"I didn’t wake you up, right?"

"No, I was ... - The eye fell upon a picture of London. He hid it under my pillow, leaning on it above. - ... reading. "

"I’m not calling because of a nightmare. Just ... I can’t sleep. "

"The bed is too big for you?"

"Something like that. And you said that I still could call ... "

"Even in the middle of the night. I'll be there forever, you know. "

The voice quieted down for a few seconds before resuming plus a whisper now. "I miss you."

"You too. – Nick replied with a sigh. - If you want, I can come tomorrow morning for a coffee."

"Just like the old times?"

"Yeah."

"You can ... - A cough interrupted his sentence. When he recovered, his voice was little more than a whisper. – can you stay on the phone with me? "

"What do you want me to do?"

"Just talk to me."

"About what?"

"About the museum. Your exhibit. About you. "

And Nick didn’t need to be told a second time so he began to talk about anything until the breath slowed down and told him that Brian had fallen asleep. "Good night."

He knew that he had no reason to be nervous. It wasn’t even a date. Or was it? If he could, he would make appear a dictionary so that he would control the definition, just to be sure how to label that meeting. They weren’t friends, despite the fact that friendship was that so thin but unbreakable thread that was keeping them afloat in that sea of uncertainty. Yes, they were much less than what they had been only a week before but still they were more than friends. 

“And you have only one person to blame.” The voice of guilty slimy murmured as it sank its claw into the wound that was only marginally starting to heal. He knew, gosh, he knew that it would take him much longer for being able to forgive himself, even if Nick had already done although he had never spoken those words. 

The doorbell rang just as he was about to finish making the coffee, after having had to redo it at least five times; he turned around and his eyes couldn’t help but fell on those unmistakable features and it seemed like time had decided to do a flip back, recreating those early and nervous meeting: his heart began to beat faster and faster, ready to soar while air became more and more sparse; his hands were trembling, ready to spill the coffee, and his throat seemed to have turned into a desert. Still, it took only a smile for the fear to slip away while raised the certain that nothing had changed because the mere presence of the other in the room was able to cancel the world around them and make them succumb to their feelings and emotions. 

They sat in a corner, that table that had become theirs in all those months, and for moments that might seemed eternal, they were simply silent, observing and peering, trying to find words that a voice still couldn’t pronounce.

Nick was the first to interrupt that comforting absence of words. "Don’t you think that we’re already been through this?” 

"I was thinking the same thing." Brian smiled, closing his eyes for a moment. That was what they should be, lost in their own world that even the most boring activities looked extraordinary only because they were doing it together. 

"It was all easier." 

"In a way it was easier. But, in another way, it was much harder. I was always afraid to say something that would make you run away. Or not to be too ... imprudent. - Brian lowered his eyes, felling the blush that was already burning his face. - And now, maybe, it’s still like back then." 

Nick's smile softened as another piece of broken heart was eased. Before him there was just the guy that he loved but also a new person who was trying to fix what he had done wrong, not caring if more of his insecurities came to light, crisp and clear as the snow down out of that room. 

Despite that little and bitter voice inside him, Nick realized that he couldn’t let Brian bear all the weight of that relationship that they had to rebuilt from its base. "Would you like to accompany me to the museum?" 

Brian smiled. "Only if we walk through the park." He said, accepting her hand outstretched in front of him.

****

Brian and Nick were walking those paths now turned white and, even though they had lost their green fronds, the tree didn’t lose their beauty.

"I’ve read that you are going to keep open the cafeteria even on Christmas’s day." 

Brian replied with a nod. "It’s a tradition. It has always been this way since I can remember. At first I thought because mom wanted me to have those big and messed up Christmases. Then ... I understand that it wasn’t the only reason. In that neighborhood, there are many people who would spend Christmas all alone. And yes, keeping open the cafeteria doesn’t solve their problems but it makes them feel less alone at least. No one should ever be alone on Christmas and it’s like going to a parent’s house: everyone brings something and one year I was able to convince Jay to dress up as Santa Claus to make children happy." 

Nick couldn't help but laugh as he imagined Aj with a fake beard and red dress. 

"I would have done it this year, you know? Even if we were still together, I wouldn’t change the tradition. Although it would have had a different meaning. Before, it was a way not to be lonely in that day. Although, in reality, I never have been. Simply, I wasn’t aware of my good fortune because I was still remaining hidden in my cage made of fears." Brian admitted and there was still much more that he wanted to add, even though he didn’t know how he could explain to Nick how much of that change was due to him. Or maybe he already knew this, and that explained why he was remaining silent. 

They had reached the end of the park, a few more meters and they could already see the silhouetted figure of the museum rising among the branches of the trees. None of them wanted it to end. They spoke little,

But being together had been enough to bring up all those feelings and sensations that pain and heartache had managed to choke. Those monsters had only managed to weakened them and now they seemed to want to go out again and breathe not only air but each other’s breaths. 

"I'd love if you come." Brian muttered, cursing himself for the slight tremor in his voice. 

Nick looked at him for a few seconds, remembering how Brian had been embarrassed the first time had asked him out for a date. And what he was feeling at that moment was the same feeling he felt so many months before: his stomach turned upside down while the mind had been already full of images of how the day would turn out. 

"But I understand if you prefer not to come. Or if you already have some other plan. - Brian fiddled with his jacket, recovering a simple packet. - I didn’t know if I ever had the chance to give it to you. It is nothing special, just a CD with some songs. Listened and then ... then decide. "

Before Nick could answer, Brian placed the package in his hands and turned around, ready to return to the cafeteria. But a sudden thought made him turn around and get closer to the boy. He stood on tiptoe and, quick as a snowflake, kissed Nick on the lips. A final touch, his fingers caressed his cheek and then disappeared; leaving Nick with a CD in his hand and a destiny that only he could decide.

The dawn had yet to get up and shine on Christmas morning, but Nick was already awake, sitting cross-legged on the bed and Brian’s gift still intact in front of him. He had wanted to listen to that cd the night before but the museum had remained open until late and when he had finally returned home, the only thing he had been able to do was to lie on the bed and let himself be caught hostage by the web of sleep. 

His sleep hadn’t lasted long and there he was, the note Brian had attached to the package between his fingers as he tossed and turned it over. He read those words, simply words that Brian had written until he knew them by heart. 

I know I’ve apologized in a lot of ways but I know it will never be enough. I have only this last attempt left and you know that music has always been the only language and voice I trusted for these things. 

A part of Nick longed to hear what was recorded on the compact disc. He loved, no, adored Brian’s voice but it was one thing to hear him sing, sometimes even better, their favorite songs, and it was one thing to hear something that was coming straight from his soul. And Brian was a very private person, he had let him read something he had written only a few rare times. Now, however, he had thrown away every confidence just to let him know who he really was and the reasons behind every his actions. Especially the most painful one. And that was the reason why another part was restraining him to put that cd in the stereo and start to listen. He didn’t want to know, he was afraid to know how much pain was held in that already suffering soul. But he had to. He owed it to himself, he owed it to Brian and to the love that he wouldn’t give up without a fight. 

He inserted the disc into the stereo, then lie down on the bed. The angelic voice of Brian mingled with the melody of a guitar first and then of a piano. Sometimes, rarely, it appeared  also a violin. But the words were the ones winning his attention. The first tracks spoke and told about them and they were the essence of love, a joy that had come to both suddenly and had they transported to another world, a place created especially for the two of them. Those notes talked about the first moments of fear and worry, traced their first kiss and the sweetness that had been wrapped around them. But as the tracks kept coming and disappear, thee melodies became more sad, telling of a broken trust and a destruction they had left behind. There was only one guitar to accompany Brian but his voice was what most yearned, almost as if he could touch and feel the tears that had fallen while those words were written. But underneath all of that pain, there was a hope that hung as a light in the darkness. Only in that moment Nick realized what he had meant, and still was, for Brian: he was his hope. 

As the last note lingered in the room, Nick realized that he didn’t need more time to reflect. Especially because the answer had always been inside him, patiently waiting for him to be read and listen to it. Now that he could grab it, now that he could hold tight on it, he wouldn’t let it run away. 

Most of all, he didn’t want to let Brian run away from him. Because he just realized that Brian was his hope.

*****

I’m so hard to handle
I’m selfish and I’m sad
Now I’ve gone and lost
The best baby I’ve ever had*

Blaine had been the one that managed to get him to sing something, rather than continuing to see him in a corner, staring at the door that yes, it opened all the time but never let appeared the only person he had wanted to see. 

Maybe he had been wrong. No, not for the gift. He had been a long time since he wanted to give Nick that simple CD, although in the past it would have been made only by tracks that spoke of their love story. He had been wrong to force Nick to take a decision so suddenly, especially after all that talking he had done about how he needed to take time and the space necessary to decide if he would give him hope or destroy him permanently. 

Oh, he was being selfish. He knew and he knew that the reason lie in the fact that he had already have too much uncertainty in his life to bear another load of it. And, if a miracle had to happen, what other day could be better if not Christmas? 

The last notes rang out in the silence, each person in the room had stopped to converse captured by that voice which told so intensely that melancholic and nostalgic song. For this reason the ringing at the door turned out stronger than it was normally. Brian lifted his head from the guitar and heard, loud and clear, the beating of his heart stopping abruptly. Someone took the guitar out of his hands and, without knowing how, he found himself a few inches in front of Nick. His name came from his lips in a choked whisper, as if he were afraid that screaming could break the spell that had brought the boy there in front of him.

Before he could say anything, Nick put his index finger on his mouth and then brought up blank sheets of paper. No, not white, because there was something drawn on it. 

Nick showed him the first in which he had drawn himself in his room, notes flying circling around the stereo. Brian immediately understood what it meant, or who was listening to his CD. While his heart was still beating more furiously against the sternum, Nick turned the paper still remaining silent. In that second drawing, there were two figures, him and Nick, standing in a room inspired by the Christmas spirit. Without missing a beat, Nick also showed Brian the third and final design: it was the same as before, same walls, the same Christmas tree. Until Brian noticed the position of the two boys, hugging each other tightly as they kissed under the mistletoe. 

The lump of tears prevented Brian to formulate a coherent question. Although there was no need for more words when everything had already been said by those lines, a response that was reflected in those blue eyes that shone under the lights. Not only that but the light that shone with the most magic light that existed: love. 

But it was Nick who made true that sketch. His arms went around Brian’s back, their bodies clung to each other after being separated for too long. But it was the kiss to dissolve the tears and all that tangled web of fears and uncertainties, which no longer had significance. Not that day least. They’ve lost each others, and then they had found themselves in the middle between love and being alone while living on their skin what it meant to suffer for love. And in that kiss, they made to each other another promise: to never let go of the other. Never again.

The evening light had begun its gradual ascent but the party within the rooms of the cafeteria didn’t give any signs of wanting to cease, albeit with more slightly relaxed tones. Most of the customers had already gone to home, food was still waiting to be eaten on the counter and Frank Sinatra’s voice dished about Christmas in the background. There, sitting in the middle of a group of people who now he could define as his family, Brian was feeling like he was the happiest guy in this world, especially because of that arms that were enveloping him in a tight hug that he had truly began to doubt he would ever feel again. 

For the first time, though, Brian was genuinely happy, without that veil of sadness that had accompanied him in every celebration or holiday when he thought that someone was always missing. He had always missed his mother and those days had been always the hardest to go through but now he knew that, wherever she might be, his mother was watching down on him, smiling as always and maybe proud of the man he had become. Especially, he knew that she would have loved Nick as much as he did. 

"What are you thinking?" Nick whispered in Brian’s ear, after his lips left a light caress on his cheek. 

Brian squeezed himself tighter in his arms, moving his face just so you return the kiss. "I’m thinking about how everything seems and is so perfect. I know we have still a lot to work out but it’s worth it. It’s worth just to be able to have and enjoy moments like these.” 

Nick nodded, resting his lips on Brian’s neck. "You more appreciate things when you know from experience what it means to live without them." 

Brian said no more because there wasn’t the need to add something. Simply, his hand went to cover Nick's one resting on his stomach so that they fingers could intertwine with each other’s opposite. And they stayed like that when they said their goodbyes to Aj, Blaine, Kurt and his family and even on their way home, finally able to enjoy the Christmas spirit and air that had been taken from them in those last few days. And it seemed like the red, gold and silver lights were more glittering while the Christmas songs in the background weren’t that annoyingly too cheerful. And when Brian and Nick passed another couple, huddled together like them, that sight was not longer hideously unbearable. And when they finally reached their flat, Brian begun to feel it again as home. 

That night there was no need for words, not even to repeat to them how much they loved each others. The words would have a meaning the next day, when they would face it all again the situation and decided from what point they would start again. Although part of that discussion had already been decided or, perhaps, it had always been. They were the starting point and they were also the point of arrival. 

That night, Brian and Nick left their bodies talking for themselves in that language so special, where vowels and consonants gave way to the caresses and kisses. They were in no hurry, even if the desire had become stronger than the ancestral need to breathe. But they weren’t burning for the need of oxygen, no. Their bodies needed to breathe in the smell of the other, they need to inhale the essence that made and gave shape to them and just hope not to lose it again, as if they could put it in a bottle and then put it away safe and sound. Their bodies and souls needed to be as closest as possible, trying to break every law of physics up to that time when there were no boundaries between them. And, in the end, they just needed to finally fall asleep close to one another with a pale moon to watch over their dreams. 

*****

Brian was the first to wake up the next morning. He didn’t know exactly what had awoke him but now that he had opened his eyes and found himself staring at Nick, sleep was the last of his desires. He remembered the night before his brainless decision, those hours spent watching the guy with the fear that he would never have had such an opportunity again, or the chance to be so close to catch every little detail. Instead, now, there he was, surrounded by those arms while his eyes would be kidnapped by a face he would never get tired of watching. He could stay like this for hours and hours, his eyes simply basking in the warm morning light as it would make even more blonde the hair or how, with the perfect angle, the skin of his face shone like precious silver. But most of all, Brian loved that moment when would Nick woke up and how his lips would curve into a smile as soon as his eyes found him. 

How much he had missed those moments? Even when they didn’t live together, when Nick remained only for the night because it was easier, he had never been afraid to suddenly wake up and find him not at his side. Despite all that Nick had told him about his past, Brian knew better, he knew the person who was behind the mask of the boy who wanted to depend on no one. They were soul mates in that way, both carrying wounds that only life could made on their soul, scars that could be seen only by someone else who possessed and try, together, to heal. 

For the first time, however, his safety and certainty were faltering. He had never been on the other side, he had never had anyone who depended on him. Now it wasn’t the time to let himself loose in fear and uncertainty, because there was someone who had more need to be reassured. Still, he didn’t even know where he could or should start. Nick had always been the one that made the first move while he had been the one acting on instinct and reaction, following Nick’s lead because it was the first time that he felt those feelings and desires burning inside him. It had been like Nick had made him access to a part of him that Brian didn’t even know existed and that outshone all those experiences, albeit minimal, that he had before Nick. Knowing that he had that power, knowing that he could observe Nick and make him feel what he was feeling in certain times, it was something so crippling and, at the same time, so liberating. Especially because it wasn’t just physical desire. It was a lot more, something that sometimes he struggled to explain. 

"Stop thinking. - Came Nick's voice although still sleepy. - Rather, why don’t you think about how to give me a good morning?" 

Nick’s arms pushed Brian above him as a laugh began to tickle his throat. He lowered his face, tufts of hair that brushed against, while the lips murmured the best of greetings. Nick's fingers slipped under his shirt, giving rise to chills that had nothing to do with the cold. "Good morning." 

"Oh, it’s definitely a good one."

"I can’t do it!!" 

"I'll teach you." 

"No, you don’t understand. I'm not able to do it!" 

"Stop it; it's just your fear." 

"No, I’m not scared. I know that I’m going to fall more times than I can stand up and even the kids will laugh at me! - Brian didn’t give up and continued to put in Nick’s hands the ice skates that still Nick persisted in not wanting to wear. - And don’t look at me with those puppy eyes! You need to explain to me how you can be so perfect in any sport!” 

Brian's laughter seemed to echo throughout the air around them, at least so it seemed to Nick. Because, as always, no one seemed to care for them, all intent on having fun skating around the enormous Christmas tree in Rockefeller Center. And Nick had never stopped to wonder why no one seemed to notice the beauty of Brian, his blue eyes gleaming from the simple joy and his face flushed from the cold air. Or, perhaps, it was better that way, it was better that no one would notice it so that wouldn’t try to steal him away. 

“Too bad it was his decision to leave.” Nick blinked back wherever that little voice came from, that little place of his heart that was still throbbing in pain. He wouldn’t let those stupid things ruining that day and neither shake in pieces his hope and faith. He didn’t need to dwell in the past. What they needed was to move on and let Brian to fix things. Him? He just had to learn to have trust in Brian again.” 

He took the skates from the hands of Brian, letting their hands brushed against for a few seconds. "Promise you will not let me fall?" 

"Scout's Honor." 

And a few hours later, Nick had to admit that Brian had been true with his words. And Nick didn’t only discover how much fun skating was really, and he kinda had made Brian promise to return again the first day they were both free, but Brian never let him fall, risking a lot of times to end up on the ice himself so that he couldn’t break his promise. And it was that, perhaps, one of the most beautiful days they had ever spent together, almost like those first dates where everything was a surprise or totally new. 

"I don’t want to go home." Nick exclaimed out loud while he and Brian made their way through the streets full of passers-by and tourists. 

"Who said we're going there?" 

That question stopped Nick. "What do you mean?" 

"Haven’t you noticed?" 

The confusion took hold of Nick. "About what?" 

"That this is an appointment. You told me that you've never been to skate, so I thought I'd bring you here. And now ... Well, every self-respecting appointment must end with a dinner out. " Brian replied, looking down, almost as if he realized how ridiculous that idea might have been. 

But Nick didn’t miss the subtle subtext behind this apparent romantic idea. And it was something that was able to silence any voice that still had strength to fight back. So, with the palm of the hand Nick lifted Brian’s chin, depositing a kiss on the lips. "You're adorable."

***

It was past midnight when Brian and Nick crossed the front door of the building where they lived, then stop and wait for the arrival of the elevator. Nick had his arms around Brian's waist, his chin resting on his shoulder and his lips were looking for a small gap between the coat and scarf to warm up in their own way his skin. It had been a perfect evening and Nick knew that it would have been even more once they would finally arrive to their apartment and closed the real world outside the door of their room. 

Theirs. It was so nice to say again that pronoun, despite it always caused a little resentment. But he had found the perfect way to silence that voice, and that method provided shivers and trembles every time he touched Brian’s skin before losing himself into that body. His hand unbuttoned the top button of the coat as fingers slipped almost immediately, overcoming the barrier of sweater and T-shirt. 

"Nick ... - Brian whispered in a hoarse groan. - And to think that, on our first date, you swore that you were a gentleman. " 

Nick, in response, nipped that spot of skin for a few seconds before caressing it with kisses. "I don’t remember." 

Brian turned around, staying in the embrace of Nick. "I remember every word of that evening. "With any other guy, right now, I'd have my hand in his pants and, believe me, not to look for his house keys." 

Nick looked surprised while the fire that already burned within him, fire made by flames of passion and love, became even higher. "Really?" He asked. 

Brian stood on tiptoe and touched their noses together. "Of course. Just as I put away every ticket or post-it notes that you've written. Even the most stupid." 

The ding of the elevator in that instant gave more time to Nick to reflect on those words. But there was, in fact, no reason why he should be surprised aside that it was yet another proof of how Brian worshiped not only him but also their love. He took no time for pushing Brian inside the elevator, or to check that there was no one. He didn’t care who could see them, he didn’t care about anything except to show, in his way, how much he worshiped what was between them. 

And so Brian found himself against the wall of metal and Nick's lips that seemed to be everywhere, and especially. Because, as always, everything ceased to exist in those moments. They didn’t notice that the elevator had reached its destination. They noticed it only when someone called their attention with a cough. Ahead of them was their neighbor, who looked at them with an expression that Brian chose not to decipher. 

"Oh ..." he muttered embarrassed when he and Nick went back into the apartment. 

"Oh, come on! Don't be embarrassed! We gave her something to talk about for the next two days! " 

"Nick." Brian scolded him. 

Nick slid next to him, taking up the position in which they had been interrupted. "Oh, in a few seconds I’m sure you won’t be able to remember your own name.”

Lips were looking for each others, trailing behind the other and then stopping the chase and retrieving just as if they were playing an imaginary game of hide and seek, even though none of them wanted not to be found in the end. Far from it. Because in those moments when they finally met, in those precious seconds when they seemed to become as one, small fireworks bolted from that meeting: those were sparks that never fade out but multiplied in every nerves as they created fires that would never burn out. 

Brian's hands were fastened around Nick’s back, his fingers drew tracks and designs on the skin still hidden under the fabric of the sweater. Up and down, his hands took more and more awareness of the chills that were spreading in Nick’s body after every step. Nick’s hands, however, were placed on Brian’s sides, where the edge of the sweater and T-shirt had been raised so as to be in direct contact with the skin. Even if they were still and not moving at all, his fingertips touched and caressed every inch and followed the boundaries of the muscles and always stopped a few millimeters above the barrier of jeans. Brian, every time, arched his back, trying to undo that last barrier between them and every time Nick responded with a more passionate kiss or nibbling one of those points that he knew that would made his lover tremble even more. 

Their names were whispered in gasps, as if the air was no longer so vitally necessary for them. And it was so because it wasn’t the oxygen running in their veins or arteries trying to reach their lungs. No, it was their smell, their breath and their moans that were taking the stage and attention inside them and nothing could prompt them to break away from each other, even for the few seconds it would take to move from the corridor to the bedroom. 

Without even knowing how, they found themselves on the bed, two naked bodies searching for the last of contacts so that they could still feel united again, while a trail of clothes retraced their route. No longer real time had its own flow, as if the room had been incased in a bubble that had its own time and space and everything seemed to have stopped moving: the falling snow and the sounds of traffic below them. Also the lights seemed to have ceased to enlighten, because they weren’t needed when all they needed was looking into their lover’s eyes so they could find themselves immersed in a light that lived just for them, flashes of color that spoke of a desire and an ecstasy that nothing and no one else would been able to make them taste. 

The only sound they could hear was the rhythm of their hearts that got more and more furious as their bodies started to dance along with that rhythm. Any doubts that still resided in the soul of Nick disappeared when Brian became a part of himself: everything was so natural, and that was the way it had always should be: one body and a single heart beating furiously to the rhythm of their love. Within that body, Nick didn’t know what that resentment that sometimes returned to the surface was and the only thing he wanted was to remain there, where nothing mattered but their love. Forever.

****

The morning began to sneak between the curtains drawn, letting a few rays of light; Nick looked at them as they preferred to sit back and let themselves be taken by those few patches of bare skin that escaped from the hiding offered by the blanket that covered most of Brian’s body. 

Some tufts, blonde curls that had be formed during that night, protected the still half-closed eyes, as if they wanted to be a protection of dreams that Nick had hoped were joyful images of a future that had yet to announce its presence, but that didn’t seem to be so uncertain and so far away anymore. 

The breath, calm in its slow pace, evaporated from Brian’s mouth slightly opened and Nick couldn’t stop himself as his lips rested on them, breaking away before he could awaken. No, he didn’t want to wake Brian because he loved watching him, especially in those precious moments when the boy was still asleep and his face was finally emptied and free from any sign of worry or doubt. That look so innocent so jarred with what was well etched in his mind from the night before: that face and soul held so many shades and expression that Nick doubted he could ever reach the day when he would have known all of them by heart. So when a new expression made his appearance, Nick studied it over and over again, exactly as he would have done in front of a painting. Because the simplest truth was that Brian was his most valuable and precious treasure. 

Nick clung to him, resting his head on his chest. Even if he remained still asleep, Brian put his arm around Nick's shoulders, squeezing even more to him. When he was with Brian, when he was inside of him, it was so natural to believe that every scar had been soothed and then healed. It was enough to look into his eyes to see himself reflected in an ocean of love that sometimes it was hard for Nick to believe that it was all for him. But then, in the real world, nothing seemed so clear: the clouds continued to remain in a corner, waiting for the moment when he would be defenseless to protect himself from the attacks of those doubts. No, that bitterness that he didn’t know where it was born and where it got the strength to grow, always appeared when he thought how much less scary it was Europe and leaving Brian behind, especially given all the changes that each day he was a witness of. And, perhaps, it was this that was leaving a bitter taste in his mouth because Brian had been able to throw everything behind him, still convinced that he could rebuild what had been between, while he still wavered between forget and keep intertwined that wound. It was a vicious circle, because now he wanted nothing more than to forget that he had even thought those words, so unjust towards Brian. 

Nick’s lips returned to lean on Brian’s while his hands slipped inside the cover, pushing away that next layer of clothes that were an obstacle between their two bodies. A groan of pleasure, the tremors in his hands. Brian tried to ask what was happening but Nick didn’t give him air to answer. He didn’t want to talk, much less even think about it. Nick just wanted to love his most precious and valuable painting.

Brian walked over to Nick silently, hugging him from behind while he was still busy studying painting that he didn’t even know existed; he rested his chin on his shoulder, while with one hand, pushed aside a few tufts of hair. "What’s bothering you?" Brian asked him in a whisper. 

"Nothing." Nick lied, trying to avoid that little voice telling him to say all the things that were really bothering him. 

"Liar. It’s not nothing. I watch you and you have often that look that you usually have when you’re gnawing inside but you can’t defeat it." 

But Nick knew he couldn’t really tell him what it was literally eating him alive. So, he opted for a half-truth, much more obvious and less dangerous and treacherous. 

"Europe. A part of me wants to leave, it knows that you're right when you say that this is an opportunity too important to pass up. And don’t think that I haven’t noticed how much you've changed. - Brian smiled sheepishly, a mixture of redness accentuated by the light of the living room. - Maybe that's why I want to leave, because I know I can leave you here safe." 

"Nick..." 

"Let me finish. - Nick muttered. - Then ... then there is the other side. That side that doesn’t want to leave you, not now after all we've been through. Above all, it is the part that is afraid of this separation. It is afraid that you might forget me, or worse, that I might forget you. Because we will be in two opposite points of the world, each absorbed by their lives and ... I don’t want that to happen to us. I don’t want to find myself one day to see a sunset in some capital and not wanting you to be there with me to see it." 

"Oh Nicky. - Brian exclaimed in a whisper, resting his lips on his forehead. - No, it won’t happen. Do you really think that I can forget about you just because you are oceans away from me?" 

"I don’t think it seriously. Just... it might happen." 

"Not to us. It will be tough, I’m not denying it, especially because this house now talks about you in every corner. But we'll make it, if this, if leaving, is what you really want. " With a simple touch of lips, Brian wiped the lone tear that was slipping away from Nick’s eyes. Then, he leaned his forehead against Nick’s and they remained in that position for a few seconds, listening to their breathing and their heartbeats matching together. 

"How can you be so sure?" 

"You know ... I was wrong before. I was wrong thinking and believing that love is sacrifice yourself only to see your other half finally realized his dream. Love is the opposite. Love is joining each other’s forces so that we can realize our dreams, mine and yours. Love means staying in the shadows and be dazzled by the light of the one who hold your heart and see him shine bright and brighter. And now it's your time to shine. " 

For a few seconds, Nick couldn’t help but observe Brian in silence because nothing but tears would emerge if he ever opened his mouth. He didn’t even wait for that resentment to show its ugly head and voice because that time he wouldn’t listen to it nor he would silence it in his own way. He waited only that the lump in my throat would melt before whispering his promise on the edge of the lips. "Love, to me, is just to love you.”

***

New Year had started in a totally different way from Christmas Day. Perhaps it had been even better because he and Brian had been together since the first minute they had been both awake, and maybe it was also because now there was no sword over their heads, threatening to fall and hurt them more than it already did. 

Just like Christmas, New Year’s Eve found them at the cafeteria, which had been open to anyone who didn’t have anyone to celebrate the beginning of the new year. Nick knew many people from the previous festival, a mixture of older and younger people that made him appreciate and made him feel even more fortunate to have a family that cared for him, even in its somewhat bizarre ways of showing, and an extended family that now filled the room with uproarious laughter and chatter contagious: Howie, Mya and the boyfriend of the week, Kurt, Blaine and his psychopathic brother who had spent the previous half hour going around wishing "an intense good year" while pointing his index finger at the occasional victim. 

Despite all of this mess, Nick’s attention and gaze were captured by the guy who at that time was teaching some children how to play the guitar: observing Brian in the middle of the room, including children and many strangers who were for him the family he never had, had made him realize how really important it was that place for him, not only for the memory of his mother. Among those walls, Brian was perfectly at ease. He was so self-confident like only a few times Nick had seen him. And he couldn’t ignore that bit of jealousy that mingled with the pride that only a loved one could feel: when would he find himself? Despite the grandeur of New York, the city began to feel so small. He wanted to fly, he wanted to find his place, possibly without having to give up Brian. And maybe, maybe he had been wrong when he said that Europe was no longer in his dreams. Simply, that dream had turned into something bigger, the opportunity to grow, mature and become a whole person, because he hadn’t given up his dreams and neither the most beautiful love that could ever exist. And Nick was sure that this experience would make him a better man for Brian. 

It was just a few minutes before midnight when he met the boy out of the cafeteria , standing there between cold and snow and waiting for the fireworks. 

"Bri ... I've decided." 

Brian cocked his head slightly, watching him carefully. "About what?" 

"Europe. I want to go." 

Brian’s arms wrapped around his neck at the same time that the clock started to ring. "I love you." He spoke simply and never other words resonated so strongly reassuring. They were only three letters but intertwined them were promises that weren’t worth if spoken aloud. 

And while welcoming the New Year, Nick was sure that he was going to make it, that he could conquer the world only because he had and would always have Brian at his side, with his unwavering confidence, trust and faith in him and his abilities. 

"Me, too. - Nick replied, touching his lips with Brian’s and inhaling his scent. - We will make it through."

Nick knew he was being a jerk. He knew that euphoria, pushing Brian to come home every day with thousands of tourist guides possible and unimaginable, it was only a mirror that hid behind many other feelings. But it was easy to pretend not to know, especially those nights spent dreaming about streets and alleys of Paris or London that now didn’t seem so far away, when Brian's arms came around him and never ceased to infuse support and reassurance. In those moments, Nick didn’t need to hide himself inside Brian’s body to silence that little voice that was still dozing and waiting at his side. And, in all honesty, Nick couldn’t explain exactly what that voice was made of, if it was still stubborn resentment and rancor that gathered and intertwined with each other and then around him. Maybe, if he had talked to Brian, he would be able to unleash the mass but he also knew that those words would only result with increase the guilt and blame that Brian was still carrying, adding salt to a wound that it wouldn’t want to heal on that skin. 

Yes, as the day of his departure approached, that messed web of emotions became more and narrower, almost as if it fed, lived and survived because of the remorse that still obscured Brian’s eyes at the slightest hint of their separation. It was like there was a snake inside him that came alive when Nick was alone and hissed malignant and evil words while spreading its poison in the form of doubts. And all of that was reflected in that willing and wanted distance, in those phone calls that he never answered and in those cryptic replies when Brian would ask him what was wrong. 

Just like that evening. The phone had ringed, the messages had come intermittently but he never responded if not with a terse and laconic "I have things to do." After all, once in Europe, he wouldn’t be able to abandon everything just only to run and solve whatever kind of crisis Brian was having. At least, so Nick tried to justify himself. But even his ears thought and believed that those words seemed only a flimsy excuse and malice. He didn’t want to behave that way nor did he want to get pleasure from the cold revenge. That power, the weapon firmly between his fingers, didn’t make him feel better or chase away the confusion. Actually, on the contrary, it added more and more until he feared he would collapse under its weight. Why was he allowing it? Why wasn’t he trying to find a solution? 

The answer was obvious and yet it wasn’t so simple to put into practice, because it meant putting under the sunlight wounds and scars he wanted to forget, hoping that time would heal them. Or hoping that Brian could and would heal them. But, at the same time, he couldn’t pretend or ask that Brian could fix something that he wasn’t even aware about its presence. 

When he got home, past midnight, Nick found all the lights off except for the pale blue of the TV in the living room, where Brian had fallen asleep waiting for his return. He stayed there a few seconds, observing him while his heart got caught in a vise, knowing that he was hurting not only himself but even the boy he had swore he would never hurt again. Then he picked up the blanket and put it around Brian, putting his face close to his head. 

"I'm sorry." He whispered inside the silence of the room, hoping that Brian could hear him even in his sleep. This time it was his turn to erase the tears which, in the shadows, seemed to shine with even more sadness. 

***

That morning the cafeteria was unusually empty, except for a few old people Nick recognized from the New Year's party and greeted them with a nod of his head, leaving them absorbed in their coffee and newspapers. Even more strange was to find Blaine and not Brian behind the counter, as he was sure and he remembered clearly that Brian had the opening round that morning, hence the fact that when he had woke up he hadn’t been there in the flat. 

"He said he had to go somewhere." It was the simple explanation that Blaine gave him as he began to prepare the coffee. 

Nick was silent as he tried to figure out where Brian might have gone to. University? No, he hadn’t any classes that month; he had no relatives in the city ... the possibilities were endless, and the concern was getting up the ridge. And maybe that was what Brian had felt all those nights when he didn’t come home and didn’t answer to his calls. Gosh, he had really been a jerk. Especially because he knew that it was the Brian’s weakest point and still he had gone and pressed the knife in the wound. 

"Nick ... - Blaine cut him off from his thoughts, by offering a minimum of relief from catastrophic scenarios. - ... I know they aren’t my business at all but... well, I know what you tow are going through. Because it happened to me and Kurt.” 

Nick raised his face, looking more closely at the boy. "Really?" 

Blaine's fingers shook with intensity around the towel he held in his hands. "I made the same mistake, and believe me, it hadn’t be an easy ride getting to the point where Kurt and I are today. But we made it and you will succeed too." 

"How?" 

“Just keep trying. Keep loving. And keep talking " 

"And if it was not enough? - Nick found himself asking, even if he couldn’t explain how he could confide in someone who barely knew. But the words were out of control because, maybe, he just needed some advice. - And if I continue to punish him?" 

"Why are you doing this?" 

"It 's complicated. I don’t know either." 

"Not true. Deep down inside, you know the reasons why you are doing this." 

"You’re right. I needed him and...  he wasn’t there. - Nick whispered, brushing the tip of the index on the outline of the cup that was slowly cooling down. - And now he's so excited about my departure that it is as if he couldn’t wait to finally get rid of me. It’s like... as if he doesn’t need me anymore.” 

"But you know that isn’t like that. - Blaine contradicted. - You of all people know what Brian hides behind that smile." 

"I know. In here ... - Nick slapped his hand against his chest, where there heart was pounding. - ... I know that there won’t be a day when Brian won’t need me anymore. But it's my head that it’s a pile of doubts." 

Blaine was silent for a moment, choosing his words carefully to use. "You can’t know if Brian would do something like that again or if he will hurt you again. You can only try to make sure that your love is strong enough to overcome that obstacle." 

It was Nick's turn to remain silent and assimilate those words that came from someone who had been through the sun and that only now was finally feeling and enjoying the sun again. And Nick wanted to be like that too, wanted to see the sun again and the only solution was to deal and talk about that weight on his chest. 

"You know, I was jealous of you at the beginning. - He told Blaine as he stood up. - But thank you." And then he went in search of Brian.

Crossing the black wrought iron gate was like stepping foot into another dimension: the sounds of the city were absorbed, leaving only vague echoes that were lost as soon as you draw away from the entrance; the silence was like a blanket that was wrapped around the body, guiding you to the person that you came to find. Brian came up to one of the ponds and plants, leaving behind the path as he walked on the ground still damp for snow disbanded in those days, although white spots were sticking out here and there as opposed to the dark brown of the earth. 

His mother’s grave was next to an old oak tree, whose leaves were still bare and covered by the winter coat. Brian sat down beside it, his knees closed to his chest and chin resting upon them. He never went there to cry and neither to remember times and memories that now were only those, memories: for that matter, he had the cafeteria, the apartment and the people who knew her and never stopped talking and reminiscing her. No, he always went there when he needed silent support so that he could speak until he had no voice, knowing that someone would always be there to hear him. 

That day, he had come there to take courage, to stop for a moment the world and trying to get the top of that puzzle that Nick had turned into since New Year's Eve. He wasn’t so deluded to believe that everything could be resolved and magically being fine again but he was trying so hard to put back together again their relationship. Instead of appearing sad and desperate for Nick’s departure, he had tried to do the opposite. And it hadn’t been hard putting up that façade because he was so darn proud and happy for that unique and rare opportunity and he wanted Nick to leave without feeling that apprehension around him because he was going to leave him there in New York all alone, without being able to do anything to erase his sadness if it ever appeared. But Nick’s behavior... Brian had no idea what was happening to him. 

The first thought, after days of minimal but essential messages and phone calls let play without ever answer, had been that he deserved that behavior. He had pretended to start all over again, without remembering, deliberately, the reason why they had to. And it had been an ice shower when he figured out the reality that Nick hadn’t totally forgiven him. Even more difficult had been accepting the fact that he couldn’t heal all the wounds left but he could only hope that they weren’t going to infect all that good they had managed to salvage. So he had deadened every stab with a smile, letting his guilt blocking every "why are you doing this?" questions that arose within him. But that revenge wasn’t the right way to erase the pain. And even continuing to pretend that he didn’t know what it was going on. They had to speak. They needed to speak, even if it hurt or it was going to be an ugly discussion. 

A breeze got up, ruffling his hair. Brian closed his eyes, thinking as always that the breeze was a caress that he had never forgotten. He took it as his mother’s approval of his intention and he finally felt read to face Nick and get back their happy ending. He opened his eyes and a sudden cough, which didn’t belong to him, forced him to look up and see a person who would never have expected to find.

****

"Kevin?" Brian murmured in surprise, looking at the boy in front of him. At times, it was strange to consider him like a brother when they only had a few family genes in common. They even didn’t look alike because the cousin was much taller than him, with black hair and two eyes that Nick would have struggled to find the perfect shade of green for describing them. But he was the only family that he had left. 

"Were you expecting someone else?" 

"Something like that."

The second question was implied, running between the two like a trickle of water on that path of mutual understanding that tied the boys: Kevin knew why Brian was there, in that place, and now wanted to know what had made him to come in that moment. 

"Nick is leaving. He’s going in Europe.”

"How much will he be gone?"

"Six months."

Kevin stared at his cousin but as always the minor was damn good at hiding any negative emotion. "How are you holding up?"

Brian looked down as his fingers as they toyed with a little dried-grass. "At first, I was terrified. Everything was repeating and Nick was going to be another person who just walked out of my life, leaving me alone. Oh, I know I’m not technically alone. - Brian admitted, anticipating what Kevin was going to say. - But it's different. Coming home to find someone waiting for you, to have someone who is there for you at all times, who knows when to give you a hug without explanation or someone to just spend the evening watching old movies that he isn’t even interested in. I will miss all this, not only his physical presence. And the truth is that it will be damn hard to go back to living alone or being alone. But ... "

"But what?" Kevin asked curiously.

Brian turned his gaze to the grave next to him. "But this time is different. Because I know that Nick will come back to me. So I'm not afraid of these six months of separation because I know what it means to live our whole lives without having a person you love. " He spoke, exchanging a look that Kevin had seen on his face a few times. It was the look of one who had understood one of the most important truths in life, a wisdom that made him much older than him, despite the age difference. He had always been afraid for Brian, afraid that he would never open to anyone, or hiding his pain behind mere palliatives such as alcohol or drugs. Instead here he was, with a normal life, a life that had been built despite the most important people in his life had slammed the door in his face.

"Why don’t you go with him?"

The silence broke in between the two cousins r03;r03;and the cawing of a crow rose from a nearby tree. After a few seconds, the sound of approaching footsteps joined that melody, stopping a few inches behind Brian.

Before he could turn to see who it was, Nick's voice sounded loud in the silence, although it was barely a whisper.

"Yeah, why don’t you come too?"

Nick had left that place as the last when, in fact, it should have been the start of the research for his boyfriend. Because it was there, in Wood Green Cemetery, that Nick found Brian when the first signs of dusk began to get noticed here and there in the sky. Although, with an honesty that could guarantee only to him, those hours of research served to mentally prepare him about everything that he was supposed to say. It would be a long conversation, but if there was one thing they had learned in this entire confused situation, was that not speaking and not dealing together in the long run would made even more complicated even the slightest doubt. 

Brian had brought him in that place only a few times but Nick knew where his mother’s grave was so he made his way through the paths and he was quite shocked to notice that he wasn’t the only company Brian was having during that moment; yet, he decided not to manifest his presence and, convinced by his own curiosity, he remained silent as he listened to Brian’s confession. With his heart beating faster and faster, Nick had prayed that Brian would respond to that last question only to find them in repeating those aloud, capturing the attention of the boy. 

"I leave you alone so you could talk." Kevin apologized and then he was going, leaving Brian and Nick there, to observe and be observed as if they were two warriors, studying the enemy, pondered what was the best move to make. Brian stood up but remained firm on his feet, in spite of everything inside him that was yelling to forget the words or stab wounds, and just being together. 

"I don’t even know where I should begin. Maybe, asking your forgiveness. I never thought of being someone so vindictive and, in my alibi, I can only say that I wasn’t doing it intentionally. But a part of me wanted to punish you because you had abandoned me, it wanted to make you feel the same pain that I had felt it and how it feels like to be completely cut off from your life. And with this all Europe’s story, this voice has become louder the more you were so excited, almost as if you couldn’t wait to be finally without me... - Nick shook his head, biting his lip nervously. - ... but it hurt me too. Seeing you cry, knowing that I was the cause of those tears, made me feel like the worst person in the world. And the truth is that I don’t want to be without you. I can’t imagine my life without you. Even if we are separated by an ocean.” 

Brian metabolized every word and every trace of pain behind that mea culpa. "I could never live without you. I smile, yes, I’m excited but just because I don’t want you to be worried about me. I never defended myself against your stabs because I deserved them, although there were so many times when I wanted to ask you to stop. - Brian ventured to approach Nick. He waited until Nick was looking at him in the eye before continuing. - I am a better person because of you. And it is only thanks to you if I can start to think and believe that I can live these months alone without destroy me. Because you'll come back. You will come back to me." 

Nick wrote off the last few inches remained between them, his hands went and wrapped themselves around Brian’s wrists as his lips rested on his forehead. "Leave with me. Come with me." 

Brian stood on tiptoe, touching the tip of the nose of Nick. "Let’s go home.” 

****

There was no hurry, there was no tension that would lead them to undress and try to find relief in the world that belonged only to them. That evening, when they returned into the apartment, they did it in a comfortable silence, aware of the fact that for all that time they had only played themselves, chased each other around with the illusion of being able to heal. 

They didn’t lit up any light as, hand in hand, they reached the bedroom, lying on that bed that had been a witness not only to confessions of love but also of suffering and tears. Facing each other, where eyes that reflected and were reflected in the same shade of blue, the only contact belonged to their fingers were intertwined and the other hand that sometimes lingered in a caress. Many words weren’t said by using their voice: instead, they travelled over them and were heard only by their hearts, those who had more need of reassurance and comfort. Others, however, needed to be heard because they needed an answer to their prayers. 

"You weren’t there. - Nick whispered, in a tone that didn’t want to be accusatory. He wanted to explain, to make Brian understand where that resentment was born along with the desire to ease Brian’s grief. - The only time I needed you, that I needed to know that you were by my side and proud of me... you weren’t there. You were gone, you left me and I was completely alone." 

"But I was there Nick. - Brian's answer was like a breath of wind that blew away any hard feelings still alive inside Nick. Because they were sincere. There was no doubt about the honesty that made warmer that voice. - I found myself at the museum instead of going home and I saw you. You were there, surrounded by people hanging on your every word and I listened admired. There I realized that that was your world. There I realized that I couldn’t love anyone else as I love you. And I'm proud of you. I am proud of how you've conquered all and how you are going to conquer Europe." 

That was the power of love, that true love that Nick had started to know when he was little. Now, he felt it coursing through his veins, taking away all that accumulation of negative emotions that had turned him into a different person during those days. With one admission, Brian had canceled any insecurities that if he ever needed something from him, Brian would be there. Even if they weren’t together, even miles away, Brian was his star that would always show him the right path to follow. 

How could he have doubted? For the first time, to his relief, no voice answered that question. So Nick was able to quietly curl up around Brian and sink into the scent of which he wouldn’t ever be satisfied. "I'm sorry." He murmured in a breath, closing his eyes as Brian's arms went around him. 

"We have a lot to be forgiven, Nick."                                  

"Can we no longer think about our wrongs? We hurt each other, we apologized. Now... now we just have to love each other.” 

"I definitely approve your idea." 

"Will you think of my proposal, at least?" Nick asked, resting his head on Brian’s shoulder. 

Brian placed a kiss on his hair. "I can’t promise you anything. But I will think about it."

Nick was fast asleep next to him, the smile on his face was the one of those who couldn’t wait for the morning to arrive so that they could begin a new adventure. Because the sunrise would bring a great day and would accompanying Nick in his flight across the ocean. An air – ticket made its silent appearance on the bedside table, waiting to be picked up and used. Still, Brian knew that Nick would accept a negative answer, without rancor or disappointment. 

Brian reached down to Nick’s body, wrapped in the blanket, and left a quick kiss on the shoulder, being the only left bare skin, then stood up and headed towards the study. From the window, the light of a new moon came into the room and Brian let himself be guided by it as he retrieved a white box from a closet and sat on the floor cross-legged, before opening it and bring up its contents: inside the box there were the letters and the diaries that her mother had written to him from the first moment she had discovered she was pregnant. 

The idea to leave, to leave everything and follow Nick in Europe, was romantic and also alluring. But it was far from being realistic: he couldn’t leave university so suddenly, without notice and in the second half of the year and maybe even risking losing the scholarship for which so much had struggled. And then there was the cafeteria. He couldn’t place on Aj and Blaine’s shoulders the weight of managing a cafeteria, especially when one of them was still a beginner and none of them knew how to juggle with the administrative part. 

But he knew that those were only mere alibis. The truth was that he didn’t know what he could have been done in Europe, in those immeasurable hours when Nick was committed to the museum. Unlike the boy, he didn’t have a plan or a project. And, if he had to be totally honest, he didn’t have a plane neither there in New York, in that city that still seemed too big for him. What was he going to do after he would obtain his master's degree? For how much he loved the place, he didn’t want to be confined in that place forever, even if he could not avoid feeling guilty for the thought. Most of all, he wanted to make a difference knowing that music had that much power to boldly go where no other medicine or comfort could succeed. He had tried it on his skin, he had always clung to notes and melodies so that he wouldn’t succumb under the weight of pain and had escaped alive. Maybe he hadn’t been victorious, but at least he was still alive. And now, he wanted to do it for someone else. 

Finally, he found the letter he was looking for, a step which he had read and re-read in moments of despair.

"Be your dream, live it and do not feel cowardly if you need to take a step back and just breathe. Being brave does not mean throw yourself hoping not to collapse. Be brave, sometimes, it means knowing when to stop and reflect on the path to take."

The clock behind Brian informed him that he still had a few hours available to communicate this decision. And he knew how to do it, he needed only some post-it, a blank sheet of paper and a pen.

****

The absence of heat in the other side of the bed didn’t frightened Nick. His flight to Barcelona was in the early afternoon and it wasn’t the first time he woke up without Brian sleeping next to him, especially for all those mornings he had to get up at dawn to open the café. What was unusual in that awaking was to find two post-it, one on the pillow and the other where normally Brian slept. With eyes still puffy from sleep, Nick reached out and took the first one easier to reach. 

I love that your smile

Is the first thing I see

When I wake up 

Inevitably, a smile formed on his lips. He stretched, standing up and leaned on one elbow as he retrieved the other post-it: 

I love to sleep curled up

against you. It makes me feel

protected. 

"Sentimentalist and hopeless." Commented Nick softly as he looked around, noticing colored sticky notes hanging in various parts of the room. Even on his sweater left helpless on the floor from the previous. 

I love to dress up with your perfume.

It's as if it could stay forever on my skin. 

Nick followed the trail of post-it that led him to the kitchen and every one of those sheets bore on its surface a particular that reminded Brian of him. Some were really small, little quirks that Nick wasn’t even aware of having but at the same time, they remembered what he loved in Brian. He was in the hallway when he realized that the car keys were wrapped in a sky-blue post-it. 

I love how you are the only one

Who managed to get me into a car

When I had sworn to myself

That it would never happen again. 

That slow burn in his eyes, Nick knew that that slow burn in his eyes wasn’t due to the fact that he hadn’t yet worn his contact lenses. They were tears, the knee-jerk reaction to all the love that surrounded him at the time. 

He went into the kitchen where the coffee machine was still warm and whose aroma caressed him, awakening him in full. 

I love coffee even more

Since I can taste it

On your lips. 

On the table, there was a brown box that had also the inevitable post-it upon. How many hours had Brian been up to be able to do all this? But instead of worrying and be consequently angry, Nick found himself  wishing that Brian was there, so that he would be able to crush in a hug without end. 

I love every little memories that

We have created together. 

And it was so. Because, once he removed the lid, Nick discovered that the box contained every ticket or memory of their history, even the chips that they hadn’t used at the luna - park during that first and beautiful appointment. He took them out one by one, laughing for every little memory that was attached to them, and finally, at the bottom of all this, there was a plain white envelope. There was nothing written, no post – it but Nick understood perfectly what it was.

It was Brian’s decision, although he didn’t need to read it to know what it would say. Despite this, he sat down, opened it and began to read. 

"Nicky, 

I know you were expecting this response. Between you and me, you've always been the bravest, the one who had always thrown himself into adventures without much thought or reasoning. As your proposal. You took me by surprise, so suddenly, even though you had thought about it and that is why I know you won’t be mad while reading this letter. 

You have to go alone. And not because I don’t want to follow you... Indeed, the thought of not being able to be together everyday leaves me without oxygen. The world will be different without you, my universe will shine less without its most important star. But we won’t be separated for too long and there is always the chance of coming and visiting you from time to time. 

You have to leave because this experience will change you, you will grow and I already am proud of where you came and where you will arrive. I have no doubt that you’re gonna conquer even Europe and the only thing that makes me sad is not being able to be there in the front row to see you triumph as it should be. But one way or another, I will always be there with you. Just find me in those details that are only ours, in those sunsets that we have always loved watching or those sunrises we waited close to one another. Looking up, we will see the same moon, the same stars and the same sun. Tell them your words and I will hear them, keeping them close as if they were the most precious treasures. And I think you know that I am very good at preserving memories. 

Memories. For a long time I was afraid of them. There was only pain in remembering and I was so afraid that they were gonna be the only thing left while waiting for your return. Instead, now, I will own those memories and I know they will help me to accept your absence. Your scent will still be within our home, your clothes will be scattered here and there and your drawings will remind me that that you will return. 

That's why you have to leave. Here you have nothing to conquer, because my heart had always been yours from that first moment when you get in a café and asked me to prepare you a coffee. That day, you've changed me, you know? And see you now realizing your dream has opened my eyes and made me realize that I don’t have dreams, anything more than to have you by my side forever. These months will not only serve to you to find yourself and realize yourself, but they will also help to me to figure out what I want to do. To understand how to make you proud of me as much as I am of you. I love the coffee shop, especially for what it represents and what I remember, but it is no longer enough. I want to fly too, although I still don’t know in which direction I should soar my wings. And, whatever it is, I know it will never keep me separated from you and, with you by my side, it won’t be difficult to achieve. Because I have you, I have our love and our life so, together, we can fly anywhere."

The airport of "La Guardia" was crowd of people, shouting and chatter mingled with the metallic voices announcing arrivals and departures of flights. 

Nick settled back in the bag on the shoulder as he waited Mya as she was giving the last greetings with her parents. In the end, Brian hadn’t accompanied him, and perhaps it was better that way. They decided it together, after already saying goodbye to the cafeteria had been too much heartbreaking and Nick knew that, with roles reversed, even he wouldn’t and couldn’t be able to stand still and motionless as he watched Brian disappear in a sea of r03;r03;people. Yet, despite this, he found himself, however, to turn around and observe the people around him. 

"But I was there. Even if you did not see me, I was there. “ It was those words that drove him to seek honey blonde from hundreds of other blonde, the knowledge that he was there. Hidden away, but Brian was there to tell him ... no, not even a goodbye or a farewell. 

"Nick? They announced your flight. " Howie told him but Nick didn’t reply. He remained there, motionless, still trying to find the other part of him that he was leaving for America. When his research turned out to be in vain, Nick muttered a simple "I love you" on his lips, before turning around and begin to walk towards his terminal. Only when his figure mingled with other unknown, Brian moved away from the column where Brian had been hidden, answering in the same way to the promise that had been addressed to him alone. 

*****

It was already night when Brian was able to return to the apartment. Blaine, AJ and Kurt had offered to keep him company but he refused, preferring to remain alone. He needed it, especially that night that would be the most difficult of all. 

He didn’t turn on any lights but silently moved directly in their room, breathing in the scent of Nick that still hung in the air. The bed was unmade and still confusion reigned in that room and almost instinctively he began to fold clothes that Nick had left behind. Then, he went to tidy the bed. He lifted the duvet and there he found something on the sheets, before picking it up. It was a smile mingled with tears that painted his face as he took in his fingers that one blank sheet. The unique features of Nick had painted the two of them at the airport, the sign "Arrivals" was implying what was gonna happen in a few months. In one corner, a simple inscription: “I love us. I love our life. I love our future”. 

The lump in his throat broke up and Brian did nothing to stop the tears that had begun to slip away. Simply, he kept that piece of paper close to his chest as he moved up to the window, crouching on the bench underneath. In the starry sky, a light shone intermittently, moving more and more towards the top. It wasn’t Nick’s flights but Brian pretended that it was as he placed the index finger on the glass as if he could get to where Nick was at that time. 

"Come back soon." He whispered with a smile. Because that wasn’t the end. It was just the beginning of a new chapter.