Brian knew he would find Nick there, the only place in the world where they could truly be themselves, without worrying about being caught or having to control their affections because people might not liked them. That house had been the silent witness of their relationship, from those small and timid touches to nights and days spent only in each other’s arms, barely aware that the world was still going and going around them.
Love had come in a strange way, taking him by surprise but, as a compensation, filling him with an emotion that couldn’t even be express by words. Sometimes, he had tried to put those feelings into music, notes that should have come from that place where they lived and blossomed, but it was never enough. Because, as soon as he finished writing down the last syllable, something happened and he found himself more and more in love with Nick.

No one seemed to understand them. They told them that they were incompatible, that he was too old or he was too young; worlds apart, different values and past stories behind their backs. People had tried to keep them apart, long hours of talking and talking about how he wasn’t supposed to feel that way towards him, how he hadn’t been raised in that way and how he was setting himself to be hurt over and over again. And maybe they had been right because between the laughter and the joy, the love and the lust, pain had been by their side always, stopping only when they were too strong to be hold back. Sometimes, it seemed like their love wasn’t worth all they had been through, all those tears shared in a dark room, all those screams and fights. Both of them were proud, maybe too proud to admit immediately that they might had been wrong and that it was okay to make a mistake, if they were ready to apologize. Most of those times, he had always been the first to step in and offer a peace made of smiles and kisses. He was the older one, he was supposed to be much more levelheaded and mature, leading his younger lover in that dance they had just interrupted.
It wasn’t a matter of being strong or weak, being guilty o or forced to feel guilty. Brian never saw those times only in black or white, who was the one to blame and who was the one that had to be helped and comforted. Wasn’t love supposed to be something much greater than silly classifications? Stepping in and put a hold to whatever stupid fight they were having didn’t mean he valued himself less than his lover, as his cousin had pointed out once. On the contrary, he valued love more than theirs and he would fought for it even when there was only a little candle of hope still burning.

He wasn’t a martyr nor a saint. There had been times when he had ran out from the door, swearing that it was the last time he let himself be hurt in that way and set firm on moving on and trying to live a life without Nick inside of it. There had been times when he had been the one in need of reassurances, when he needed to be held and begged to not let go. Aching words of desperation had come out from the lips he loved to kiss, comforting caress were born and he wouldn’t give away the feeling of being surrounded in those arms and all he could breath was his perfume.
Because, no matter what, he couldn’t just exist without Nick in his life. He could be mad, he could be hurt and just fed up with everything but then... then it would take only a minute within Nick’s arms that everything would be put in place, just like the world seemed much brighter and colorful after the rain.

And that was the reason why he was still sitting inside his car, soft notes coming through the radio. He had been able to stay away from Nick for a day, one long, too long day spent thinking and thinking about what had happened. Words had flown, angry words sharp like knives that would had left him bleeding ‘till death if they had been real. Still, here he was, back to the one that hurt him. Beneath that simple truth, another one rested unnoticed to everyone but him: Nick might had hurt him but he had hurt himself too in the process. He could just picture him on the back balcony, the one that had that beautiful view on the sea, and just staring into nothingness, wondering about every words, wondering if he would be back or if he had made him leave this time. His own insecurities were the pushes of those moments, sporadic instants when he let his heart and minds be clouded by fears and Nick wasn’t the type to work through them. Oh no, when he was afraid he reacted on instincts, rage and anger were the only fuel burning in his veins. And when that fire burned out, dusted ashes were left there to remind him what he had done and another fear crept upon him, the fear that the last straw had been drawn and nothing could ever bring him back.
And so Brian was indeed angry but more because Nick still didn’t get the fact that he would never leave him, nor when he knew the reason why he had screamed at him.

He turned down the radio and then got off from the car. The front door wasn’t locked so he walked slowly inside the house, passing through the rooms until he reached the living room. The windows were wide open, the white curtains were swinging up and down, growing larger and then shrinking down because of the wind. A marine smell filled the air and he exhaled it deeply, the sea salt scratched the back of his throat and made his eyes water a little. Blinking them quickly, he erased those drops before they could fall: he didn’t want Nick to think that he had cried, he didn’t need this other weight on top of everything. Because, in reality, this time it hadn’t been that bad but Nick had to make it always so dramatic, like he did every time they were on stage. Yes, he had said pretty nasty things and he couldn’t deny that at the moment they had hurt. But... but parts of them were true, it was true that he tended to overprotect him, to shield him from things that were too much bigger for a young guy like him. And he was the older one, that was his role: taking care of him, making sure that he lived like any other guy of his age no matter if he was living in a reality much more different from what was normal. And, sometimes, he forgot that Nick wasn’t like any other guy, he forgot that he was much wiser than the average eighteen years old and had much more responsibilities to deal with.
They both had made mistakes in the past and still Nick believed that it was only his fault, that he was the bad boyfriend who only knew how to hurt him and not ask for forgiveness.

Brian walked over the window but he had to stop himself on the doorstep and just mesmerized the perfect picture standing in front of his eyes. His breath got caught in the throat, it didn’t matter how he was supposed to be used on seeing Nick in that perfect moment that was the dawn: the last rays of sun shone down on him, making the blonde seem like made of gold as the light breeze ruffled the short curls. His eyes travelled south, down to the strong shoulders and the back hidden behind the tight shirt. He loved Nick’s back, he loved curling up against it at nights, his lips exploring every little curve, knowing every little spot that would drawn a pleasure moan from him. And he knew that Nick’s back would be able to take and hold some of his weight. It was just... he was just afraid. Afraid not that it would broke under those responsibilities but that, one day, he would be so strong and independent that he wouldn’t need him anymore. Guess they both had the same fears, after all.

Brian made small steps towards him but stopped before being completely closer.
“I was waiting for you. – Nick said without even turning towards him, his eyes down casted over the sea. Ashamed, hurt, fear. Brian knew what he would see in those eyes because he had seen them so many times before. – I knew you would come. Even if I don’t know why.”
A step ahead, closer. “You do.”
A pause. An intake of breath. “Why?”
Brian came closer, leaning over the handrail too and gazing over the horizont. “Why the sun shine so bright? Why is there the rain, the rainbow, the stars? Why we still haven’t got a Grammy? – that last one made Nick laughed, lifting a little the veil of tension between them. – There are many things so inexplicable, things we just have to take as they are and believe that they will always stay there. And so do I. I love you, Nick. And it won’t change because you hurt me or because you try anytime to push me away. Or because you’re afraid I’m gonna leave you someday. You just have to believe and trust me that I will always love you, no matter what.”

For a moment, Nick stared back at him, a confused mix of emotions passing through his eyes. He knew each and one of them and he could tell every little reason behind those flashes of colors. But he stayed silent, letting Nick deal with them on his own terms, instead that speaking them out. Then, the gaze bowed down.

“Why don’t you hate me?” The pain, the self inflicted agony, pushed itself out from the voice, plain as the colors in the sky. No one of them held their defenses up when they were together, a lesson they’ve learned when the first fight occurred because none of them wanted to expose how much frail they were inside. Beyond that, the other was the only they trusted with their secret, knowing that they would never be judged for a silly question or for showing emotions they weren’t supposed to show. Talking, that was what had saved their relationship over and over again. After the first burn, after the screaming and the tears, they would always search each other and explain themselves, trying to figure out what went wrong and how they could get past it.

“I’ve tried, Nick. I’ve tried so hard to hate you because sometimes the hurt and pain were too much and... I asked myself if it was all worth. But I couldn’t and I still can’t hate you. It’s like telling my lungs to stop drawing in air or forcing my heart to stop beating. – Without breaking the eye’s contact, Brian reached over and placed a hand on Nick’s cheek, a little smile curving his lips when Nick nuzzled against his palm. – And I know that you love me as much as I do. And that’s the reason why I can’t hate you. As long as you love me, I’ll keep fight and come back. No matter what.”

“I don’t know why I keep hurting you. – Nick managed to say, though he knew that it was a lie. And Brian knew it too, it was too painful to witness in his eyes that still stared back at him with such and powerful love that Nick is both humbled and afraid. And, as much as he wanted to keep up with his though act, the words flow out from his lips because it was Brian and Brian deserved to know the truth, though it would make him look like a silly and childish man. – No, it’s not true. I know why, I know that I keep doing those things not because I don’t love you when it’s the total opposite. I love you too much to stand and wait for the day when you’ll realize that I’m not worth it anymore. I still can’t comprehend how you can love me, how can you love me when in the world, somewhere, there is someone one better than me, someone who can take care of you and treat you like you deserve. And no matter how many times I try to show you away, to let you go, you still keep going back, smiling and make me feel like I’m the best man in the world. Like I’m worth something.” He placed his hand against the one caressing his face, letting himself soaking within Brian’s warmth: he had always been like that, a natural heat that wasn’t only about plain temperature. Because warm meant love and Brian was so good with it, from being kind with a stranger in needing to accept anyone without a second guess.

“You’re worth more than you’re giving yourself credit for. Even if there is someone else better for me, I wouldn’t give him a look because it’s you who has my heart.”
And Nick... Nick couldn’t say anymore, every time they spoke he always left speechless because half of the time he didn’t know how to verbalize what he was feeling. And maybe... maybe that was the reason why they were so perfect for each other. Brian was good with the words, so good that Nick just let him talk and talk and let himself caressed by the images that those words painted in his mind. But him... him was much better with touches, showing how much the man was his sun, how much he cared and treasured every little part of that body and how much he was stunned by the purity of the soul.

With a sudden move, he pressed their bodies together, his lips searching Brian’s. That first kiss wasn’t slow or sweet but it spoke about the desperation and the need to ask forgiveness that Nick felt inside him. He didn’t care if someone could see them and snap pictures or calling the news, the only thing he could cared for was the man inside his arms, the man he was kissing like from his lips depended his own survival. He fought the need and desire to tear down all the clothes and just go that secret place where they would be together as one. For he knew that Brian wouldn’t mind but it wasn’t that the way he wanted to show him the depth and length of his love. That was the time to cherish every little part of that body he loved so much, hoping that those unspoken words would get to the heart. I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.

His lips left Brian’s ones and started taking time to appreciate the other parts that he loved so much: those blues eyes hidden behind the eyelids, those longs black lashes that fluttered against the pink and soft skin, showing a shyness even after times and times they had been like that, so open to the other one; then down onto the cheekbones and that square jaw that had been in his fantasies long before him and Brian got together.

Time stopped making sense as lips and fingers traced what his mouth couldn’t tell. With kisses, clothes vanished under them until there was nothing standing as a barrier between them; it was an overwhelming feeling to be that close to Brian, to have the older one submitting himself to him, placing his body and soul in hands that could might hurt him. Like his heart, that place that he was now kissing. There were nights when he would lay awake and listened to that amazing sound, afraid that it might stopped if he dared to close his eyes. Beat. Pause. Pause. Beat. But in that moment he didn’t let himself wondered about how long the pause would be, he just savored the mere fact that it was beating faster and furiously and it was the most wonderful song in the world.

It was a crescendo, it was like being lifted up above and going into a place where time, space and just reality didn’t exist. It mattered just the sensations of Brian’s legs locked around his waist, the tightness that sucked him under and drowned him under waves of pleasures.
One heart, one body, one mind and soul: that was what they were in those erratic moments. And when everything froze, when they reached that moment that seemed like fireworks, Nick could only locked his eyes within Brian’s and saw that beauty that couldn’t even been described or told. It was the purest love a man could ever only phantom to find and, gosh, how stupid he had been to take it and throw away only because of fear?

“I love you.” Three words he managed to say as he laid over Brian, his ear and hand pressed against his chest.

“I know.” Brian’s reply was soft yet so determined that Nick wanted to ask him why he never seemed to fail into believe in it. In believing in him.
“Bri, I’m sorry.”
He could feel the smile even if he couldn’t see his face. Then, fingers were running through his hair, a shiver ran through his spine whether it was for the pleasure or for the chilly breeze that was raising up from the beach. “I know.”
“I...”
“Don’t. – The firm order stopped Nick’s explanation. – Don’t promise me that you’ll never hurt me again. Just promise me that you’ll always be there, no matter what. Believe in me. Believe in us. And we’ll make it through.”

Nick raised up his face, staring in those blue eyes because he wanted Brian to know how he meant every word of what he was going to say. Over were the times when he just ran away, over were the fears that took hold of him and shattered half of his heart. It wasn’t going to be perfect but he was going to prove that he was that man that Brian thought he was. “I swear, Brian. Here, now, I promise that I will fight for us.”

Locked in each other’s arms, they stayed there without even noticing how the sky turned into a rainbow of colors leading towards a dark blue or how, in a little angle, the moon was waiting to take its place and shine upon the couple with its silver light.