Prologue


Leighanne was standing on the end of the dock, looking out at the water. The moon and stars and the string lights from the restaurant all reflected off the rippling surface, and her hair fluttered in the slight breeze thar rolled across the bay. I stayed a few paces back and bit my lower lip, staring at her back, unsure what to say to her.

Her voice broke the night air. "I'm sorry," she said thickly, her slight southern accent making her words almost melodious. She shook her head, "I don't know what else to say, Brian." She sniffled.

A lump rose in my throat, and I stepped closer. "What did I do wrong?" I asked.

Leighanne turned around. "Brian..." she took a deep breath and two steps towards me, closing the gap. She laid a hand on my cheek. "It's not that you did anything wrong," she said.

"Then what?" I asked, "Why are you leaving me? I need you."

"I love you too much for this," she answered.

"You can't love me too much," I said.

Leighanne's eyes were sad. "I can and I do. Don't you understand Brian? It's killing you. It's literally killing you. And instead of being upset that your best friends don't care, you just keep making excuses for them and all the while it just keeps getting worse and worse..."

"They do care, baby, it's just that I gotta do this one tour and then I'll have time off and --"

"Brian, that's what you said in March about this leg of the tour," she interrupted.

"It's just until August or September," I said.

"Brian you don't have until August or September. Don't you understand that?" Leighanne's eyes filled with tears.

"I don't know what you want me to do," I said, flapping my arms, "I don't have a choice, I'm signed into a contract and I can't afford to break it."

Leighanne shook her head, "What is worth more to you, Brian? Money or your life? Being a Backstreet Boy, or being alive?"

"It's not like --"

"Yes, it is like that," she cried. "Don't you understand that every night when you're on stage and I'm standing in the wings and I'm watching you I'm not thinking about what a great show it is or how awesome you sound or how great you did that one move? I'm standing there and all I can think is that at any moment your heart's going to stop. I can't take it anymore."

"Baby..." I stepped toward her, extending my arms, about to wrap them around her.

"No Brian," Leighanne backed away, pushing my arms off of her. "No." She wrapped her arms around herself as a gust of wind came up her back, blowing her hair towards me. She stared at me, her eyes searching my face. She sniffled. "I swore to myself I'd never be this kind of person --" she mumbled.

"What kind of person?"

"The kind that makes ultimatums."

"Baby please..." I stepped towards her again.

Again, she pushed my arms away. "Brian, you need to choose," she said, "You need to choose."

"Choose what? Between you and the Backstreet Boys?" My throat felt on fire.

Leighanne shook her head, "No. No, I'm not asking you to quit the band. But if you don't do the surgery - now, not later - then I need to leave."

"Leighanne, it's really not that much longer 'til August, how big of a difference can it possibly make?" I asked.

She reached for her hand and pulled off the ring I'd given her. She tucked it into my palm. "This big," she whispered. She stepped around me and I stared at the water, numbness crawling through my veins. I listened to her shoes clicking off the wooden dock all the way back to the restaurant's patio, unable to react. I carefully unfolded my hand, and stared down at the canary yellow diamond.

I wandered the streets for a bit, meandering my way back to the hotel. I wondered where she'd gone when she'd left, what she was going to do. I passed so many couples in the streets and all I could do was look away and send nasty thoughts their way. I felt guilty each time I wished illwill, but I couldn't stop. My hand stayed clutched around the ring as I tried to make sense of it being back in my possession. The idea had been when I gave it to her that she would never again take it off.

By the time I got back to the hotel and climbed the stairs to the room I was sharing with Nick, my feet felt like lead and my stomach had tied itself into probably a hundred thousand knots. I pulled my key out of my pocket and unlocked the door. Nick was sitting cross-legged on the floor in the glow of the television, the sounds of Nintendo coming from the speakers. He hardly looked over as I walked in, removed my suit coat and tie, and dropped them onto the floor. I kicked off my shoes.

"Where's Boob-Job Barbie?" Nick asked.

And just like that I was overcome with a rage like I'd never felt before. In my sock feet, I grabbed his NES system and chucked it to the floor, ripping the paddle right out of his hand. The game system hit the carpet with a pathetic crunch and rolled. Nick let out a shriek. "I was on level forty-eight! What the fuck!" I punched the wall squarely, pulled down everything that was hanging in our little closet and swiped the ice bucket, cups, coffee packets and hotel stationary off the dresser. "Whoa, dude, calm down," Nick said, his brows stitching together in concern. But I was on a roll. I felt like the Incredible Hulk, I was angry and I was unstoppable.

Nick crawled onto his bed, stood in the center and stared at me with wide eyes from his elevated standpoint as I chucked the bedside lamp to the far wall and pushed the alarm clock over. I stood there between the two beds, panting. My heart thundered in my ears so much faster than it should've. My hands shook and a chill came over my entire body.

Nick stared at me for a long moment, then slowly lowered himself to his knees. "Are you finished?" he asked. He sounded like my mother, when I was a kid and I'd thrown a fit because I couldn't try out for little league or because she'd said no when I asked for a candy bar in the store.

I considered his question. Was I done? What if Leighanne was right? What if I didn't have until August or September to put off getting my heart fixed? What if I did this tour and it did kill me? Was I really done living?

I looked up at him. "No," I said, answering myself more than his question. "I'm not done yet."

Nick hesitated. Then he rolled backwards, grabbed the lamp off the far bedside table, and handed it to me. "Here."

Chapter One


I guess the best place to start this story is two days after Christmas, when Nick and I were sitting in the Orlando airport waiting for the other three fellas to get on a flight to Canada. We were at our gate already, having exhausted all the stores that the airport had to offer on the departing side of security check points, and we'd decided to exchange Christmas gifts before Kevin, AJ, and Howie got there, which was Nick's idea. I had the sinking suspiscion I was the only one of the four of us that was getting a present from him this year.

Or maybe it was just because when it came to presesnts, Nick was like a wild monkey.

Nick eagerly unwrapped the gift I'd given him, his fingers flying over the paper like there was no tomorrow and he had to see the present today. His eyes lit up, eager, and the vent of the airport air conditioner made his hair flutter just a little, giving him a slightly psychotic look as he tossed the paper remnents every which way.

"AweSOME!" he shouted as he unearthed the first part of his gift from the box. It was a pair of these glove-like things that go on your hand and you attach silly string to them and they spew webs like you're Spiderman or something... exactly the sort of thing that Nick would use and cherish for months to come. At least until Kevin took them away. "Eat your heart out, Peter Parker," Nick cried, tugging the gloves onto his hands.

"There's extra silly string in there, too," I said.

Nick practically took a swan dive into the box to find the two extra cans of sting I'd stashed in the box.

"And if Kevin asks," I added quickly, "You did not get that from me."

Nick looked up, a mischevious glimmer in his eyes, "Dude of course not. You gave me a boring old Bible for Christmas. Again. I have no idea where these Hell toys came from." He dove back into the box and surfaced a moment later, cans of silly string held aloft over his head like he'd just won the Stanley Cup. "RED! Yes! and blue! DOUBLE YES!" Nick tested his new-found abilities by spraying string into his backpack. "I am so spider-wrapping AJ's ass the first chance I get." He grinned.

I laughed, "Just don't spray Kevin if you wanna keep those things."

Nick snorted, "Of course not, dude it's not even legal to try to spidey-wrap Kevin. He's.... too.... slow... of... a... tar...get..." Nick demonstrated Kevin's obnoxious way of speaking too articulately. "It's an unfair fight."

I laughed, unable to argue Nick's point.

Nick reached into his backpack, which was approximately nine million years old, and rooted around amongst the video games and movies that he'd stashed in there. Finally, he resurfaced with a brown paper bag, which he shoved in my direction. "Sorry it's not wrapped," he said, "My mom wouldn't let me buy the paper." In the process of handing it to me, he accidentally deployed some of his silly string, which landed in a pile on top of the paper bag. He laughed, "At least it has a bow now."

I opened the bag and found a comic book, wrapped in a protective plastic sleeve. I turned it over and realized on closer inspection that I knew this comic book - I knew it well, in fact.

When I was a young, I loved reading comic books. My favorite was Batman. I remember going through issues of Batman like nobody's business. He was my favorite because he was possible. He was once just an every day kid who had a tragic backstory, and then he went and learned how to control his fear and basically kick ass. He got the coolest car in the known world and the best butler you could ask for and he simply fought crime. Batman's only real power was excellent karate skills.

But my favorite-favorite part about Batman was the fear thing.

Shortly after I was born, the doctors figured out that I was broken. I had a hole in my heart and it meant that I wasn't able to be a normal kid. I grew up not being able to play sports because my mom was scared I'd hurt myself, and I got tired easy and it made me not like going to school because it was stressful learning the times tables and the more stressed I got the more tired I got and -- it was just a vicious circle. Plus the doctors spent an abnormal amount of time monitoring it and making sure my heart was, you know, beating and stuff. They dragged me off to St. Joseph's Children's Hospitals for weeks at a time throughout my childhood.

My stupid heart caused a lot of trouble for me. It made my brother resent me because I got more attention, and it made other kids make fun of me because I couldn't play half the games they did without getting dizzy and tired. It kept me back a year in school, too, so before you know it I was the kid that nobody wanted to talk to because I was too old. I made friends, but it was challenging because everyone was a year younger than me. Plus, it scared me.

Sometimes, when it was really quiet in the room at night and I was laying in bed and I'd been thinking too much, I could hear it, beating irregularly in my chest, like it was getting bigger and bigger, like it was taking over my body. And it was those times when my heart literally scared me. And also, it was really scary to be laying in a hospital bed and see that sad look in the doctor's eyes when he called my parents into the hall to talk to them in private, and hear my mother cry.

I was laying in bed one day, when I was five years old, reading the latest Batman comic, and my dad was sitting on one side of me watching Jeopardy, while my mother sat on the other side of me, starting at the TV but not really watching it, when I realized that there was nothing stopping me from being like Bruce Wayne and harnessing my fear. I realized that maybe none of us would be as scared as we were if we were smiling and laughing, and so I cleared my throat as best I could, and said, "Hey ma?"

She broke out of her trance instantly and grabbed my hand. My dad muted the television set. "What is it, Brian?" she asked eagerly, her eyes wide with panic.

"Why did the chicken cross the basket ball court?"

Both my parents looked at me like I was nuts. My father finally said, tentatively, "Why, son?"

"He heard the referee calling fowls," I said. My lips cracked as I grinned.

My mother laughed. It'd been so long since I'd heard her laugh. So I told another joke, and another one. I spent the rest of the afternoon telling joke after joke after joke, making everyone who came in to see me laugh. It felt good to see smiling faces instead of sad, droning ones.

And from that point on, when ever a moment got tense, I cracked a joke, made a face, or talked in a goofy voice by way to break the tension. And the best part was that I found it was easier not to be afraid of things. I felt superhuman. I convinced myself that I was as tough as Bruce Wayne, that I would one day knock this heart trouble and go to Tibet and learn karate and jujitsu and get a cool car and a cool super hero suit and ultimately become the next Dark Knight.

Because of Batman, I had a reputation as the brave kid in Cardio, the one who wasn't scared, the one who was always smiling.

Nick's Christmas gift was a copy of that same comic book I'd been reading that day, the one that had given me all of my strength.

"Wow," I said quietly, unable to say much else when faced with something as cherished as this issue.

"I hope you don't have that one," Nick was saying, "The guy at the store said it's a rarer issue..." he shrugged. "Plus it was either that or the Bat mobile and the Bat mobile didn't fit in the bag."

There was no way Nick would ever understand precisely why this gift was so amazing. I'd never really told him much about my heart troubles growing up, so telling him that Batman had been my main source of comfort during those times had just never come up. So rather than try to explain this to him, I just nodded. "This is way cooler than the Bat mobile anyways," I said.

"Yeah the Bat mobile was probably a stick-shift," Nick agreed. He looked at his Spidey-web-slingers. "It was really tough finding something cool that was Batman, you know," he said accusingly. Nick was less than enchanted by the legend that was Bruce Wayne. He was a Spiderman guy all the way. "I thought at first that it was gonna be really easy when we said super heroes was the Christmas present theme this year, but it was so not."

"You did good," I answered. "I literally couldn't have dreamed a better gift," I added.

Nick shrugged. He sprayed a little Spidey-web at his sneaker. "It was hard, too, finding something semi-grown up in the super hereo theme..." he said this with a wandering mind, and I could tell that neither the theme nor the comic itself was the topic of conversation any longer. I braced myself for the comment that was about to come next. "Sooo... is Boob-Job Barbie coming on this tour, too?" he asked.

And there it was.

I scowled. He was referring to my girlfriend, Leighanne Wallace, who I'd met in June at a video shoot for our song As Long As You Love Me. Nick didn't like her. I didn't know why. He'd taken to calling her Boob-Job Barbie - like having a big breasted girlfriend was a bad thing.

He was only seventeen, sure, but the kid had a lot to learn.

"No," I said, "Leighanne will not be joining us on this leg of the tour. Maybe on the next leg of it, though." I slid the comic back into the brown bag and -after wiping away the silly string bow- put the whole kit'n caboodle into my duffle bag where it'd be safe.

"Figures she shows up for the European leg of the tour," Nick muttered.

"I want her to come along to the European leg of the tour," I replied hotly.

Nick frowned. "She's got you in a ball and chain." He said this in a way like he was experienced. In reality, Nick had been with like three girls ever for longer than a one night stand, and none of them were really girlfriends. The closest to a ball-and-chain experience Nick had ever had was from listening to Janis Joplin. "Well, if she's not coming on this leg, that means we can finally catch up on our hoops, right?" his face was eager.

"I plan on it," I answered.

"You never wanna play when she's around," Nick complained, like he hadn't just gotten his way.

"Someday you'll meet a woman and you'll understand," I replied with a shrug.

Nick shook his head. "I seriously doubt that." After a pause, he clarified, "Not the part about me meeting a girl, but the part about me understanding."

"And why's that?" I asked.

"Because, dude," he replied, "It's the code - Bros before hos, man." He shrugged. "I'm alwways gonna put my friends first and my girlfriends second."

"You say that now because you don't know what it's like," I replied.

Nick scowled. He really couldn't argue that point.

"Besides," I added, "AJ plays with you all the time."

Nick was now pouty, "Yeah but it's not the same 'cos, A, I never can win against him, and two, he cheats."

"So do you," I said.

"That's 'cos I gotta win sometimes," he said.

I shrugged, "I let you win."

"Do not."

"Do too," I answered.

Nick decided to focus on his spidey hands instead of answering me... since he knew I was right and all.

It was during this contemplative silence from Nick that I spotted Kevin walking towards us, his duffle bag slung around his shoulder, plane ticket clutched in his teeth as he stared down into his partly unzipped bag, rooting around for something. I waved my hand, "Kev!" I shouted to get his attention. When he looked up and around for me, I added, "Over here." Spotting us, Kevin closed his duffle bag, took the plane ticket out of his mouth, and started towards us. Nick turned in his seat to watch Kevin approach. I kind of wished he'd put the Spidey gloves away, but he didn't.

"How was your Christmas, Nick?" Kevin asked as he came up beside us. He knew how my Christmas had been. We'd only said good-bye the morning before in this very airport after flying back from Kentucky. Our parents had insisted we all spent the holidays together like a giant Littrell-Richardson clan. It'd been noisy and stressful the way most family holiday situations are, and I'd kind of wished that I'd gotten a break from seeing Kevin, rather than having him pestering me during the whole weekend we'd spent in Kentucky about whether I thought a Backstreet Boys Christmas album was something we should work on for the following season or not. Kevin dropped into a seat facing ours and dropped his duffle bag into the chair next to him.

"Oh you know," Nick shrugged, "The usual, I guess. Aaron and Angel got like a billion presents and the rest of us watched them open them 'cos we're too old for Santa Claus and my mom spoils the shit out of them."

"Don't say shit," Kevin scolded.

"I'm seventeen, I can say shit if I wanna," Nick argued.

Kevin rolled his eyes. "How you feelin' today, cuz?"

I'd thrown up like twelve times on the plane. "Better now that I'm on the ground, though I'm feeling an impending barf-o-rama coming on due to today's planned activities," I answered.

And just like that, we were exhausted of conversation topics, so we sat there in silence. Nick was cross-legged on his chair, his hands in his lap. He started picking at his fingernails, and I watched for AJ and Howie. Kevin unzipped his duffle bag and started rooting around in it again. Suddenly Nick let out a yelp and I turned to see he'd somehow managed to spray himself in the face with his Spidey-web while biting his fingers.

"What in the hell is that?" Kevin asked, attention drawn to the Spidey-web slingers.

"It's so cool," Nick explained, "You can shoot Spiderman webs, look." He demonstrated for Kevin, spraying the web at his sneaker again. "Cool, huh?"

Kevin looked less than impressed. "You better not shoot that thing at anyone."

"I won't," Nick said. But I could tell by his voice that he was crossing his fingers. At least mentally. Kevin actually looked for the physical manifestation of it, but Nick was smart enough to have put his hands back into his lap, where Kev couldn't see it if he did actually cross his fingers.

Kevin gave Nick the Dirty Brow - as we'd all taken to calling Kevin's Look, given his ridiculously pronounced eyebrows. I have no idea if those things are genetic or not, but if they are, they definitely came from the side of his family that I did not get my eyebrows from, and this was a fact that I was damn thankful for.

Nick got lucky, because just as Kevin was about to start chewing him out, I spotted AJ and Howie walking towards us. AJ had sunglasses on and Howie was pushing a trolly with both their carry on bags on it. "Hi AJ!" Nick jumped up, holding his arms behind his back to conceal the Spidey webs. I prayed silently that he had the intelligence to at least wait until later to spray AJ, considering Kevin was already eyeballing him from behind. I had a feeling the web slingers weren't gonna last very long and I kind of felt bad for getting him something that was ultimately gonna get him in trouble. But oh well, what're friends for, right?

"Not so loud," AJ mumbled, "Jesus, could the lights be any brighter in this airport? I swear to Christ." He lowered himself carefully into the seat next to Nick.

"AJ's a little hung over," Howie explained pushing the cart out of the way and sitting down next to Kevin.

Kevin frowned disapprovingly at AJ. Nick grinned because, just like that, he was off the hot seat, replaced by AJ and the underage drinking habit that Kevin most vehmenently did not approve of.

"I had a fight with my woman," AJ said. He'd been seeing the same mystery woman for quite some time. He spoke of her frequently, but none of us were really sure who she was exactly. Nick had subscribed to the belief that she was either fictional or inflatable, but had no grounds for either accusation, and Howie had decided she must've been a real troll for him not to brag with photos and stuff. Kevin had joked once that it was his mother because AJ was a momma's boy in every sense of the word. I wasn't sure what I thought about AJ and his mystery woman other than to think that maybe she was just a normal girl and AJ didn't want us fellas to trash talk her the way Nick did Leighanne, which was something that I had to respect. In many ways, I wished I'd kept Leighanne a secret from the group, but then she'd never be able to go on tour with me and I'd miss her desperately considering I was never home, and therefore would never see her.

Kevin rolled his eyes at AJ's excuse for having been drinking, but he didn't say anything, so we all sat there in silence waiting for management and other various members of our entourage to arrive. Somewhere overhead, the radio was playing one of our singles, but by this time we'd heard ourselves on the radio so many times that none of us bothered to point it out.

The first time we'd never heard ourselves on the radio, Nick and I were in a K-Mart, buying new sheets for my bed at the apartment Kevin, Howie, and I shared in Orlando. The sheets I'd picked had Star Wars characters on them from the children's department and Nick was jealous that I was going to have Star Wars sheets. We were in the process of arguing who was cooler - C3PO or Chewie - when the first couple notes of We've Got it Going On doned through the speakers overhead.

Nick's head had snapped up to look at the ceiling-mounted speakers, his eyes wide, and then he looked back at me. "Holy crap," he'd gasped. He pointed up to the speakers, looking like someone who'd just spied a UFO in the sky, "It's us," he said. And we'd stood there for about 10 seconds in stunned silence as our voices carried through the department store. And then we'd started hooting and hollering, jumping up and down, hugging each other, and generally acting like a couple of wild banshees. So much so that an employee appeared out of what seemed like thin air to see what was the matter.

I glanced around our group now, and saw AJ was holding his forehead and unscrewing the cap on a bottle of Tylenol, Kevin was still looking through his backpack, Howie had found a magazine on the table beside him, Nick was reading the back of a can of silly string, and I was just sitting there, absent-mindedly rubbing my chest. It was kind of sad, I thought, my eyes passing over each member of our clan. We'd become so jaded that in just a few short years we'd moved from that point of jumping and screaming in a K-Mart home department to a point that we didn't even look up when our music played on the radio.

Chapter Two


Nick was like a broken record as he led the way down the aisle in the plane to our seats. "I'm sorry, sorry. Merci. Merci. Pardon. Merci. Sorry." He glanced back at me, almost taking out an irritated looking older woman's face with his bag, "It's a good thing I started studying French, huh?" he asked, then he turned forward, almost hit the woman again, and continued onward.

"Sorry," I apologized to the woman for him before scampering along after him. "Nick, maybe you should carry your backpack," I suggested.

"What?" he started to turn around again, but I caught the bag and made him stay facing forward.

We reached out seats and Nick shrugged the bag off his shoulders. He didn't seem to understand he'd just assaulted all but three rows of the plane with his bag and then said thank you to them in French. He started struggling to shove the bag in the overhead compartment. I reached my arms up with my duffle bag, but Nick quickly snatched it away. "Watch out, short stack," he said, shoving it in, "I'll get that for you."

"You know it wasn't that long ago that you were shorter than me, kid," I said, eyeballing him as he manuvered the bag into the compartment.

"Yeah, but you'll never be taller than me again so you better get used to it," he said with a grin. Satisfied with the bags, he scrabbled into his seat, the middle of a row of three. A business man sat in the far seat against the window, checking his watch, and glancing over at Nick as though he was hoping maybe one of the two of them had gotten the wrong seating assignment. I felt kinda bad for the guy. "Hey," Nick said, thrusting his hand in the guy's direction as I sat on the aisle seat of our row, "I'm Nick Carter. I'm a Backstreet Boy."

The guy stared at Nick for a long moment, finally he answered, "Bonjour."

Nick whipped to look at me. "See it's really good I've been practicing my French." He turned back to the guy. "Jayyy sooooz Nick Carter. Jayyyy sooooz es Backstreet Boys."

The guy looked at him like he was retarded.

"Nick, I don't think you're pronouncing it right," I said.

"No I am, he's just dumb." Nick turned to face forward.

"Desole," I apologized. I'm sure I didn't pronounce it very well either. "No Francois." The businessman nodded and turned away, evidently relieved.

Nick was looking around the plane. "Do you see the fellas?" he asked. He squinted.

"AJ's by the emergency door," I said.

"HI AJ!" Nick yelled, standing up and waving. About fifteen people turned around with disapproving looks at Nick, who blushed and sat back into his seat. "I shouldn't yell on a plane, huh?"

"What gave you the clue?" I asked.

Our producer, Lou Pearlman, came huffing down the aisle between the seats and stopped beside us as he unloaded his carry on bag and put it into the overhead. "Are you in trouble already, Nick?" he asked, lowering into the seat across the aisle from me.

Nick contemplated a moment, "Define trouble?"

Lou was a big guy. He reminded me a little of my grandfather in the sense that he was loud and opinionated. He was the reason that we were a band, though. It was through his efforts that Howie, AJ, and Nick had started auditioning together. We were really cose to him, even called him the sixth Backstreet Boy. He had a heart of gold towards us, always giving us everything we could need and taking care of us. There was this one time in '93, when Kevin, Howie and I were living together that Lou had loaned us the money to pay our rent for three months because we were working so hard trying to get Backstreet Boys off the ground that we didn't have time to work many hours at our part time jobs. We'd barely gotten by with food those months, but Lou had been there for us 100% of the way, helping out and making sure that we had what we needed. He was like a father to us all.

"Remember that time Air Ireland kindly asked us not to fly the friendly skies with them again?" Lou asked.

Nick had been especially rambunctious on the flight Lou was referring to. He and AJ had somehow snuck a canteen filled with alcohol onto the plane - I have no idea how they'd done it, but they'd managed none the less - and it had led to a fiasco of epic proportions when Nick stupidly mixed it with an anti-nausea medication he'd taken prior to boarding the flight. It'd been a bit of a nightmare. But Nick grinned, "Yeah."

"That's trouble," Lou answered.

Nick laughed and sat back, "I won't get in trouble Big Poppa," he replied. He yanked the in flight menu out of the pocket in the back of the seat in front of him and started studying it. "What's the drinking age in Canada?" he asked.

The businessman looked over. Evidently he understood enough English that he was petrified at the idea of Nick having a drink and losing more inhibitions.

"I think it's eighteen in Quebec," I answered. "Maybe nineteen. Some parts it's nineteen."

"Damn I'm missing it by one month," Nick said. The businessman looked relieved.

"Even if, you wouldn't want to be drinking anyway. We just agreed you aren't getting into trouble." Lou butt in. Nick grinned yet again, but not looking at all innocent, which I can only assume is the look he was going for. "Besides, you're gonna be busy right off the plane." Nick frowned, and returned to flipping through the menu.

"You might wanna tell AJ that," I told Lou. Even from across the plane, I could see that AJ was already browsing the in flight menu as well. I had a feeling that he'd just asked Howie, who was sitting next to him, the exact same question Nick had just asked me, because Howie had that look on his face like he was scolding AJ for asking about drinking when he was already drunk.

"Oh trust me, I did," Lou nodded. He, too, pulled out his in flight menu, and I turned to watch the rest of the passangers board the plane.

I wasn't looking forward to the flight. I'm not a big fan of flying, and I was already tired. I leaned back in my seat and took a deep breath. I wasn't sure exactly why I was as tired as I was. After all, it's not like I'd done a whole lot since I'd gotten back from Christmas in Kentucky. It was probably the yearly after-the-holidays relief that had me feeling lazy. It'd been a crazy week back home in Lexington, and I was exhausted. But I only had one day in Orlando before we were leaving again today, so I'd spent the day with Leighanne. We had gotten together the day before and gone out for lunch and a movie. I really hated leaving Leighanne again after only having gotten such a brief time with her as that. We'd only just gotten back from the last tour, and filmed the Walt Disney Magical World of Christmas on the 22nd, when I'd left to go to Kentucky for Christmas on the 23rd, and Leighanne had plans with her folks in Georgia so she couldn't come to Lexington, even though my mom had offered her to come along.

My parents still had yet to meet her, even though we'd been going out for six months. This was a great thorn in my mother's side, who was used to already knowing every girl I dated because she knew everyone in Lexington it seemed like. Knowing her "Baby Duck" (the name my mom called me) was dating a woman she'd never met had her really on edge. I'd tried a couple times to get some time off to bring Leighanne home to my mom, but it seemed like every time I did something came up with the band and I had to cancel the travel plans.

"If I didn't know any better, Brian Littrell," my mother had scolded me the last time I'd cancelled the plans on her, "I'd think you were trying to hide this girl from us for some reason."

"Not at all, Ma," I'd answered, "I'm just busy is all. We got asked to film this thing for New Years Eve in Spain."

"Nobody's this busy Brian," my mom had replied. "And New Years Eve isn't for weeks, why are you filming now?"

"Because we'll be in Canada over New Years, Ma. So we gotta film it now for then, see?"

My mother had sighed, "You're working too hard, my Baby Duck. Working way too hard."

But I just don't think she understood the difference between laid-back country life in Kentucky and the fast paced life that I now inhabited as a Backstreet Boy. It was completely different worlds. I'd gone from small town life where I sang in the choir once a week and everybody knew everybody else's name to this crazy world where everyone knew my name because I was famous and always on the go somewhere for some appearance. I couldn't even attempt to keep count of every TV show, radio station, or magazine that we'd visited and been interviewed by. When I first started, my mom was collecting the magazines our pictures were in and before long she'd quit because she'd filled like five huge crates with magazines and would probably have gone bankrupt if she'd kept it up.

The flight attendants started prepping for take off, closing all the overhead compartments and making everyone sit the seats in their full upright position and all that. I could feel my stomach getting queasy already. Nick put away the inflight menu and pulled out his barf bag and thrust it into my hands. I nodded my thanks, not daring to open my mouth. I closed my eyes. The flight attendant checked our seatbelts on her way by, and I heard the pilot droning on the overhead. Nick poked me, "You okay?" he asked.

"Yeah," I answered, "Yes." I glanced Nick's direction. "I'm allllrighty," I added in my best Jim Carrey voice, flashing Nick a huge grin.

He laughed, "Okay, whatever dude. You looked sick."

"Nope."

The plane lurched as it started to taxi down the runway, picking up speed, pausing to let other planes pass or take off, and finally reached the actual ascent itself. The plane jostled and lurched as it took up speed to actually get off the ground and then there was that moment of weightless pull when it launched, and my stomach was left behind as we lifted higher and higher, its wing dipping... I squeezed my eyes shut, my mind reciting my mantra I'm not gonna die on a plane in my head, and I held my barf bag tightly in my hand.

"Still okay?" Nick asked.

"Yeah," I replied.

"Good, gimme that, then." Nick grabbed for the barf bag and started heaving into it. I covered my mouth to keep from joining him at the sound and smell of the sick.

"Aren't you two a pair," commented Lou.

"Oh crap," Nick muttered, pulling the bag away from his mouth. "I dont understand it. I like rolled coasters." He looked at me pitifully.

"So two blondes are driving to Six Flags," I stammered the joke out, "And they see this sign right? and the sign says Six Flags, Left. So one blonde turns to the other blonde --"

"Dude I'm blonde," Nick said.

"Yeah but it's funny, listen --" I interrupted, "So the blonde, she turns to the second blonde, right? and she says --"

"This is like telling a racist joke to a black guy, Frick," Nick complained.

"No it's not, listen to it." I tried a third time, "So she says to the second blonde, 'the park left, let's go home.'"

Nick stared at me for a long moment. "I don't get it," he said.

I sighed, "Nevermind."

"No, dude, I don't get it," Nick whined.

"Maybe it's because you interrupted me that you don't get it?" I suggested.

Nick scowled, clutching his puke-filled barf bag. "No c'mon, you gotta explain it, I don't get it."

"Because the park left, they went home," I said slowly.

Nick rolled his eyes, "That's a stupid joke."

"Did you get it?"

He hesitated slightly before saying that he did, which meant that he didn't, but I let it go because it didn't really matter if he did or not and I was tired. Arguing with Nick was exhausting. Maybe, I thought to myself, that's why I was so tired all the time lately.

"I'm gonna get some sleep," I told him.

Nick sighed, "Well what am I supposed to do then?"

"Sleep, too?" I suggested.

He sighed again.

"Didn't you pack like every video game known to man?" I asked.

"Oh yeah. Watch out." Nick proceeded to unbuckle and attempt to climb over me. In the process he almost kneed me and elbowed the woman in front of me in the head. "Merci," he muttered.

I slid into his seat while he was standing up. "Here, take the aisle, then you can get up and down without bothering anyone," I suggested as the lady in front of us glowered at him before turning around. The businessman was staring at us.

"But I don't like the aisle seat," Nick whined. He touched his elbow, "The carts..."

Lou looked over from his newspaper, "Just sit."

Nick was fighting to get his backpack out of the compartment, so he didn't reply but I knew if Lou was on my side of the argument that I'd officially won, so I leaned back into the seat, reclined just a little, and closed my eyes, drawing a deep breath. I could hear my heart beating, but only a little irregularly, so I didn't worry about it. And soon enough, I'd fallen asleep.

I dreamed about Leighanne living in a giant pink dream house and Nick laughing because she drove a pink Corvette.

It felt like minutes instead of hours when Nick shook me awake to get me to put my seat into the full upright position for landing. The flight attendant gave me an apologetic look the way she might give a child she'd had to wake up for the same reason. "You slept through like the whole flight," Nick complained, "I was so bored." He was frowning as I stretched my shoulders as best I could without protruding into anyone else's space. "Plus you snore."

The plane landed without a hitch and we unloaded our carry on bags and shuffled out of the plane like a herd of sheep. Everyone managed to duck out of the way of his backpack this time, conditioned like Pavlove's dogs, it seemed. AJ fell into stride next to me as we entered the terminal. "Good flight?" he asked. He must've gotten some sleep on the flight, too.

"I slept through it," I answered.

"Me, too," AJ said. "Didj'a see that one flight attendant though? Jeeee-sus she was a babe."

Nick whipped around, "The one with the hair?" he waved his hands around his head to indicate a pouffy hair style.

"Yeah. Shit, she was hot," AJ nodded.

"What about Mystery Woman?" Howie asked, overhearing from a couple paces back.

AJ shrugged. "I can look if I don't touch," he answered as we all stopped and waited for everyone else. Lou checked his watch and stretched. Nick busied himself looking through his backpack. We stood there in silence for a few minutes before AJ broke the silence. "Any of you putzes in the Mile High Club?" he asked.

Nick looked up from his backpack.

I could feel my face getting hot. Leighanne and I had snuck into the bathroom last time we'd flown and it'd gotten a little steamy. It wasn't quite Mile High Club material but... it was close.

"Brian you're such a dog," Howie laughed, and clapped me on the back.

"No fuckin' way --" AJ gasped, "Brian?"

"I'm not a priest for God's sake, AJ," I laughed.

"Might as well be," Nick piped in.

"You're such a dog," Howie repeated, grinning.

"That's it," AJ muttered, "I gotta get inducted. I shouldda asked that damn stewardess." He shook his head and turned to look around the airport.

Nick stood up, "Does it count if it's just that you jacked off on a plane?" he asked. Howie almost choked and AJ practically fell over laughing. "What?" Nick asked, looking from them to me and back again, "What? I thought it was a good question."

"Always playin' with yourself, huh Nicky?" AJ wheezed.

Nick looked offended, "Not always, sometimes there's girls. I've had girls too!" He whined.

Nick was still whining by the time Kevin and Johnny Wright had joined us and we'd all started heading to customs. Johnny was on a cell phone, yelling about figures on another band he managed. He managed quite a few, including NSYNC, who was the band he was arguing about right now. Kevin looked at Nick, who was muttering about having had sex before, and raised an eyebrow. "Who ruffled Nick's feathers now?"

"Nick wanted to know if masturbating on a plane got you in the Mile High Club," Howie recapped, giggling only slightly.

"Who hasn't masturbated on a plane? Everyone would be in the Club if pulling the pork counted," Kevin weighed in.

"I may never eat pulled pork again," I commented.

Kevin smirked. "What's a'matter cuz?" He wrapped his arm over my shoulder, laughing.

Nick contemplated for a moment. "Dude I'm actually really hungry. I haven't eaten in forever."

"You ate like four times on the plane," Lou commented.

"That doesn't count, that was crappy food."

"He ate your inflight meal," Lou told me.

"I slept through it anyways," I said.

"See, he didn't care," Nick said, obviously proving a point in an argument they'd held during the flight. Lou laughed. "Seriously though guys we should go get some food."

Finally we were joined by a couple security guards and the crew of stylists and our choreographer, and we started towards customs. Once we'd made it through all the security check points, we were on our way out to get our luggage when one of our bodyguards stopped us. "The lobby's gonna be a little crazy," he said. "I was just talking to the airport security back there and I guess there's been a crowd waiting for y'all for about four hours now and it's gotten kind of big."

We made plans for the guards to get the five of us out to a shuttle bus that they'd confirmed was out front and waiting for us via Johnny's cell phone and the others would go and collect our luggage and catch up to us later at the hotel. So we hunkered down with the bodyguards and they brought us down an escalator to the lobby. It was like looking out from the stage, seeing the lobby was. There was a huge crowd.

"How do they know where we are all the damn time?" Howie asked as we rode down the escalator. "Do they have like tracking devices on us or something?"

"That'd be so creepy," Nick commented, "We'd be like cyborgs if we had tracking devices in us."

"You're too dumb to be a cyborg," AJ snorted.

"I am not dumb!" Nick whined.

And just like that we were immersed in the craziness. Kevin tried to touch all their hands as he was pushed through the incredibly small pathway security was able to keep. The sound was like thunder as all those girls started screaming and pushing towards us. AJ looked petrified. The bodyguards led us straight through - we were given no option about pausing and signing autographs, though we did try to give high fives and Nick stopped to hug one particular girl who had handed him a box of candy. We piled into the shuttle bus and the girls poured out the door behind us, waving and smacking their hands against the side of the van as the driver carefully pulled away from the curb.

"That was insane," Howie said, his hair all messed up and eyes wide.

"I feel bad we couldn't do more," Kevin commented.

"It's always nice seeing them," I said.

"Yeah, it makes you feel appreciated," AJ added.

Nick's mouth was full of candy.

"I still wanna know how they always know where we are," Howie concluded.

The shuttle bus carried us around the city, which was lit up like Christmas with a million teeny tiny sparkling lights against the dark night sky. We passed the Molson Center, where we were going to be playing our shows, and the van coasted to a stop in front of the hotel less than a block away. A bus boy met us at the door to take our bags, but all we had was our carry on bags, and we explained that another van was coming with our stuff in a couple minutes. A few fans had gathered around the hotel, so we stopped and signed some autographs and took some photos with them.

I was really thankful when the hotel staff suggested that they take us to our rooms, and we rode the elevator up four floors and given the key cards and everything. Nick glanced at my room number and squeaked, "Yes, we're roomies!"

"We're always roomies," I said.

"We're Frick and Frack, can't separate that!" he said excitedly.

"That and nobody else wants to sleep with you," commented AJ.

"I don't wanna sleep with him," I said, "I'm just okay with sharing a room with him."

"I have had nightmares about what that kid does in his rooms," Howie commented as Nick frolicked up to the door that we would be sharing, grinning back at us like a hyena.

"I really don't care what he does as long as I can sleep through it," I replied. "Besides. Anything Nick does, AJ probably does dirtier."

AJ looked back at me, "What are you suggesting?"

"That you're just as much of a horn dog as Nick," I replied. Howie stopped standing behind AJ as AJ unlocked the door and I continued to the next door.

"Maybe the two horn dogs should share a room," Howie commented. But he followed AJ into their room anyways.

Kevin waved from across the hall. "Enjoy sharing, ladies," he teased as he disappeared into his own single room.

"Why does he get his own room?" Nick asked as he got our door unlocked and stepped inside.

"Because five is an uneven number and he's Kevin," I said, shrugging. We dropped our bags on the floor and Nick ran and threw himself on the far bed. I shuffled up to the closer one and crawled right on it, smashing my head into the pillow thankfully. "Ohhh," I moaned, "Good-night."

"Aren't you gonna eat?" Nick asked.

"I'm gonna sleep," I replied.

Nick snorted, "You just woke up."

"Plane sleep doesn't count as sleep," I replied, closing my eyes.

The room was silent for a few moments and I was just about out when Nick suddenly let out a peal of laughter. I opened my eyes and rolled my head to look at him. "What?" I asked.

Nick was wheezing, "I just got it," he said, chortling, "Six flags left, so they go home. Stupid ass blondes."

Chapter Three


I woke up a couple hours later, half expecting to find Nick sitting on my chest because it felt so weighed down. But my chest was free and clear of Nick or any other sort of large elephantish creatures. I grimmaced and rolled out of bed, sitting up in the dark. I flicked on a lamp and found Nick's bed still made. He wasn't even back yet from eating. I wondered how long he'd been gone. I glanced at the digital alarm clock next to the bed and realized it was only 11:30.

I stood up, and laid a hand over my chest. It felt like my chest would rip open at the center if I didn't hold it shut, the pressure was so great. I hobbled weakly to the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror, turning on the faucet. My lips were dry. I cupped my hand and slurped water into my mouth and splashed my face, taking deep breaths. I was just tired, I told myself, all the stress from the plane and Nick whining and everything. It wasn't anything to worry about. I rubbed my chest lengthwise with the heel of my hand and wandered back to the main room, still feeling tight.

I hauled my duffle bag onto the bed and unzipped it and rooted around until I'd found the small bottle of baby aspirin that I always kept on hand. I took the last couple pills from the bottle and tossed it into the trash bin beside the dresser, making a mental note to buy more. It seemed like I'd just bought that bottle. But I hadn't needed it that often, had I, that I'd run out of it that quickly? I must've bought something else and have it confused with the aspirin, I thought.

I sat down on the bed and turned on the TV, flipping through the channels, bored. I wished it wasn't so late, I'd call Leighanne, but it was really too late to do that. I should've called her before I fell asleep. I was sort of rethinking my choice not to eat, now, too, but it was also too late for that. I leaned back into my pillows and watched The Rugrats on Nickelodeon absentmindedly. It was the episode when Chuckie has a bug named Melvin and Tommy has to baby sit it and it dies and Phil and Lil want to eat the bug, then Chuckie finds out and thinks Tommy killed the bug and they have a bug funeral. I've seen like every episode of the Rugrats ever made.

I was just about asleep again when the bedside phone rang. I picked it up. "Mr. Littrell?" came a deep voice.

"Yes?"

"This is the front desk, you have a phone call. One moment I'll patch it through."

"Thanks," I replied. A moment later, there was a click. "Hello?" I asked.

"Hello Brian," it was Leighanne. I felt like the weight of the world was crawling off me and my chest actually loosened up it seemed. I sat up and muted the TV, grinning to myself. "How are you?" she asked, "Make it to Montreal okay, I take it?"

"Hey baby," I said. "Yeah we made it okay. I'm sorry I didn't call you before, I was really tired and fell asleep almost immediately after walking through the door."

"I'm sorry, did I wake you up?" she asked, concerned.

"No, actually, I was watching the Rugrats."

Leighanne laughed. "At midnight?"

"They have a weekend long marathon this week," I answered. "So you can get your fill of Chuckie and the gang," I added, in Chuckie's voice.

Leighanne was still laughing, "I can't believe you can do that voice."

"I can do a ton of voices," I replied in Donald Duck's voice.

"You're a man of many talents, Mr. Littrell," Leighanne said.

I grinned up at the ceiling. "Did you have a good day?" I asked.

"Yeah, I got a part in this commercial, I'm kind of excited about doing that," she said offhandedly. "I spent the day painting actually today."

"Painting?" I asked.

"Yeah, I went to this yard sale and they had this old coffee table for like five bucks. So I bought it and sanded it down and spray painted it, then hand painted some flowers and designs on it. It looks pretty cool now."

"Sounds cool."

"Yeah I also got some clothes there I'm going to alter." Leighanne loved doing alterations to clothes. She was always buying this vintage stuff and like taking the sleeves off it or adding stuff to it or whatever. I told her she should design stuff for a living but she always insisted it was just a hobby. "Was the flight smooth?" she asked.

I was still rubbing my chest. "Yeah," I replied, "It was okay. I slept through most of it, though."

"You must be really tired, sleeping through most of a flight, then again when you land?" she asked.

"Well you know, holiday stress and I've been busy," I shrugged. "Plus Nick exhausts me sometimes..." I told her about him not getting the Six Flags joke at first. She laughed. "He's such a pain in the ass sometimes," I said.

Leighanne laughed, "He's your best friend. He's seventeen, he's going to be a pain in the ass."

"That's what we said when he was sixteen and fifteen. And fourteen. And, come to think of it, thirteen, too."

"Maybe he'll always be a pain in the ass."

"Probably," I laughed, "Someday, the guy's gonna be thirty-three and still pissing me off."

"Probably," Leighanne agreed.

"That'll be weird," I commented. "When he's thirty-three, I'll have known him for twenty years."

"Time flies," Leighanne replied.

"Get used to him. He'll probably move out of his parents house and into ours," I joked.

Leighanne laughed, "We'll get a house with a garage with an apartment over it and have it modelled to his specifications."

She said we, I thought to myself and my mouth went dry. Leighanne said we would get a house with a garage and all that. We. That meant she was planning on being around that far into my future. I wasn't sure if that made me feel good or not. It scared me, and I realized my chest was tight again. I rubbed it with the heel of my hand. Well why not we? I thought. It was a good thing, it meant she liked me enough to think about the future. And where was the future going with Leighanne and I? I wondered. And I realized suddenly that I'd said ours. Not mine, but ours moments before she'd said we. That meant that, despite the panic attack I was now having, the idea had originated in my head not hers.

"Brian?" Leighanne asked.

"What? Yes, sorry," I said.

"I miss you," she said suddenly.

"I miss you too," I answered.

Leighanne sighed, "I feel like I never get to see you. You were barely home over Christmas..."

"I know," I replied.

"You work too much," she said sadly.

"We have a break coming up in February and March," I reminded her, "And then we go to Europe. Europe's gonna be great. I have a couple days off during the tour we can go sight seeing together." I grinned just thinking about how nice it would be to relax in a foreign country with my beautiful girlfriend. I pictured us wandering the streets of Barcelona.

"I wish we were there now," she said longingly.

"Me, too," I answered.

Suddenly the room door banged open and Nick came in, exaggeratedly tip-toeing. He was clutching a white plastic bag. He glanced over when he realized the light was on and said, "Hey you're up. I got you food." He held the bag up for me to see.

"I hear Nick," Leighanne said, "Tell him I said hi."

I pointed at the phone, "You're so loud that Leighanne heard you all the way from Orlando."

Nick looked at the clock. "What is she calling at midnight for?" He frowned.

"She says hi," I told him.

"Yeah hi," Nick replied. He sullenly started unpacking the bag of food that he'd brought back.

"He says hi," I told Leighanne, though I said it more excitedly than Nick had.

"Yeah I heard him," Leighanne replied. She sighed, "I won't keep you on the phone. You should go hang out with him. It's late anyways."

"No it's okay," I answered quickly. I didn't want her to get upset. Nick was glowering at me.

Leighanne laughed at my quick response. "Brian, it's okay. I get it. You're with the guys right now. I understand." I could hear the smile in her voice. "Besides, I'll have you all to myself soon enough."

Nick was not gonna like that.

"That you will," I replied. Because you know, I was going to like that.

"I love you Brian," she said into the phone.

"Love you too Leigh," I replied.

She made kissy noises into the phone. "Goodnight baby."

"Goodnight." We both sat silently, waiting for the other person to hang up. "You hang up first," I said, laughing.

"No you hang up," she replied.

Nick's mouth was moving, silently mocking our ritual of arguing about hanging up.

"No you," I answered, ignoring Nick.

"You."

"Okay at the same time?" I suggested. "One... two... three..."

Nick reached over and hit the little pegs in the cradle, disconnecting the phone. He stared at me. "I couldn't handle round two," he explained. He held out a white styrofoam container to me. "Here, eat."

"Well now she thinks I hung up on her," I complained.

"Dude, I was gonna do it next round anyways, I just did it sooner than usual." He sat down on his bed as I reluctantly hung up the receiver and opened the container. "You guys have been mushier than usual lately, it's kinda gross." He laid back on the bed.

He'd gotten be a burger and some fries. I shoved a fry into my mouth, thankful that he'd thought of me. The fries were cold but I wasn't picky. I contemplated what Nick had said, about us being mushier than usual, and shrugged. "I think..." I started, but stopped.

Nick sat up. "You think what?"

I took a deep breath, "I think I might ask her to marry me," I said.

Nick was looking at me like I was growing a giant purple horn in the center of my forehead or something. "What in the hell would you do that for?" he demanded.

"Because that's what people do when they're in love," I said.

Nick rolled his eyes and flopped back on to the bed again. "You're insane. You know most marriages end in divorce?"

"That doesn't mean mine will," I replied.

Nick sighed and shook his head. "Marriage sucks anyways. Everyone fights and theres kids and they fight and nobody can pay the bills and theres responsibilities and you have to take the trash out every other night." He twisted and put his feet up on the wall. "I'm telling you, marriage is not what you think it is."

"And how many times have you been married, Nick?" I asked.

"None," he replied, and he pointed at me, "And I'm smart enough to know that I plan to keep it that way."

"You'll change your tune when you find the right girl," I said. I picked up my burger and half the lettuce fell out into the styrofoam container. I started picking it up and shoving it back under the bun.

Nick shook his head, "Nope. I won't change my tune. I'm serious. I'm never gonna get married."

"You will someday," I answered. "And you'll have kids and you'll be good at it."

Nick rolled his eyes. "I'm never having kids either. I'd probably drop them and break them." He shuffled his feet against the wallpaper, staring up at them. "Besides I'd make a shitty dad."

"You really wouldn't," I replied.

"I think it's hereditary," he replied, "Carters are just shitty dads is all."

"It's not hereditary," I said. "This burger is good," I added, trying to change the subject.

Nick rolled to look at me. "You're only twenty-two," he said, ignoring my burger comment. "That's really young to get married."

"I'm almost twenty-three," I pointed out, "And we'd be engaged for probably a year. So I'd be twenty-four by the time we actually got married."

Nick sighed. "It's a dumb idea, I'm telling you. Besides, do you really wanna spend the rest of your life with Boob-Job Barbie?" he asked.

"I really wish you'd call her by her name," I said.

"I'm sorry, but Boob-Job Barbie was what was on her box when you brought her home," he said, snarky.

I threw a french fry at him. It bounced off his face and landed on the comforter beside him. He picked it up and shoved it in his mouth. "Seriously, man," I said, "I'd really appreciate it if you at least tried to like her. She's a nice person. She likes you," I added.

"Everybody likes me," Nick replied, chewing the french fry I'd thrown, "I'm irresistable like that."

It was my turn to roll my eyes. "You're so arrogant, you know that?"

Nick shrugged. "So what if I am? If I'm right, I'm right. Right?" He glanced up at the TV. "Oh dude, it's the Rugrats. Turn'em up."

I reached for the remote and turned them up. Now it was the episode when Chuckie and Tommy follow Reptar around at a wedding. I could almost feel Nick's sidelong glances as he thought about the idea of me getting married. After a long stretch of silence, he glanced over at me. "Plus if you get married," he said, "We'll never get to hang out."

"We'll hang out," I answered. I muted the TV again. "We work together, of course we'll get to hang out."

Nick shook his head, "You'll never wanna play hoops again."

"Don't be dramatic."

"I'm not being dramatic. You never play hoops when she's around. You're all about being the boyfriend and you forget all about me."

If we were on a sitcom the audience would've responded to that line with a resounding awww because of the way he'd said the words. He was staring at his hands, picking at his fingernails again, looking rather pathetic.

"I don't forget about you," I replied.

Nick shrugged. "I'm gonna go to sleep," he said moodily.

"Okay," I replied.

He rolled over and shimmied under the blankets. I turned off the TV and put the remainder of my dinner on the bedside table, full. I reached for the light switch and, aside from the glow of the city outside the window, the room was dark. I shuffled under the blankets, too. It was silent in the room. I stared at the ceiling, my arm under my head.

"Hey Nick?" I said into the dark.

"What?" he asked, not even slightly sleepy sounding.

"We could go shoot hoops now if you want."

He was up and out of bed like a flash of lightening.

Chapter Four


Nick and I had gotten up, and dragged our luggage into the room from the hallway. He'd packed the basketball in his suitcase, and once we'd gotten the ball and our coats out of the suitcases, we opened our hotel room door and peeked into the hall. The coast seemed clear. I motioned for him to be quiet, and he nodded. We snuck into the hallway and I carefully closed the door behind us so it didn't make more than a muted click as it shut. We moved carefully down the hall to the stairwell. Once the door was shut behind us and we were on our way down the concrete steps, Nick turned to look at me, the ball tucked under his arm. "Dude we're like stealth."

"We really are," I laughed.

Nick bounced the ball on the landing and caught it, and we started down a second flight. "I can't believe we're like about to do this, all like alone and stuff."

"We are grown ups," I pointed out.

"Yeah but I don't remember the last time we wandered out of a hotel room without like fifty security thugs flanking us, do you?" he asked.

"Or at least Kevin on our tails telling us why it's a bad idea." Nick laughed and bounced the ball again on the next landing.

When we reached the lobby, Nick and I passed quick glances at the gaggle of fans that were waiting by the elevators, looking sleepy. They must've been damn near passed out because we managed to skitter by before they noticed us. Outside, the city air was fresher than most cities, and held a cold chill that made our breath show. It was funny because everyone kept saying how Canada was having its second midlest winter on the books (in fact, I'd heard one guy on the news when I was flipping through refer to it as a 'winter drought' because they'd received less snow than they usually did) and they were all bragging how warm it was compared to what it was supposed to be. Personally, I was freezing the moment I stepped off the plane.

A taxi cab went by as Nick stopped at the curb, the ball still under his arm, and glanced both directions. "What way you think?" he asked.

I didn't have a clue. The Molson Center was to our left, though, and I couldn't recall having passed anything that looked like a basket ball hoop, so I suggested we go right. Nick was good with that, so we took off down the street, Nick dribbling the ball awkwardly as he walked. Every once in awhile he'd miss and we'd have to chase back after it a couple yards or so, where it stuck in the snow that lined the sidewalk, before we could continue onward. "This is great," he commented.

"Yeah," I agreed.

We'd reached St.Catherine's Street. I glanced left and right. Neon lights lit up closed stores and smoke poured up from the warm street into the cold. Even with our jackets, the air was nipping and I wasn't sure how great of an idea basket ball at one o'clock in the morning in Montreal on a night in December was shaping out to be after all, but Nick's enthusiasm had yet to wane, so I just followed him as we turned right down the street and kept walking. We pointed stuff out in the windows as he dribbled and I walked and the occassional car passed by us.

We'd been walking for quite some time when Nick suddenly announced, "My balls are gonna freeze off."

I stopped walking. "I'm so glad you said that first." I turned around and so did Nick. We started walking back toward the hotel without discussing the choice. Shooting hoops was not worth becoming eunichs for, it was an unspoken agreement.

"I was hoping you would call it off, but when you didn't I decided I would," Nick admitted.

"We would've heated up if we started playing," I pointed out.

"Maybe they don't believe in hoops in Montreal," Nick suggested.

"Maybe."

"If there was more ice I'd say we should play hockey."

"We don't have skates. Or sticks. Or a puck."

"True."

We walked along shivering for a few minutes. Now that we'd let the cat out of the bag, we were both shivering loudly; Nick's teeth even chattered. "How the hell far did we walk?" he asked.

"I dunno," I replied.

We had gone a couple more blocks in the direction we'd come from, when a police car pulled up in an empty parking spot alongside us. Nick glanced at me as the car window unrolled. "Is there a curfew here?" he asked quietly, suddenly panicked. It was a good question. Probably something we should've thought of before heading out.

"Pardon moi," the cop called.

I walked over to the open window, careful for the snow on the curb, and Nick followed, clutching the basketball. "Yes sir?" I asked, bending and looking into the window. Nick hovered awkwardly behind me.

The cop switched to English. "You kids out for a reason?" he asked, eyeing me.

I hesitated. "I'm sorry," I said, "Is there a curfew? We're from America."

"No curfew, but you do look a bit lost," he said. "Have you kids been drinking?"

"No sir," I replied.

"Me either," Nick said hurriedly, "I'm only seventeen. I haven't been drinking." The way he said it, he sounded guilty. I closed my eyes. Great, now the cop was gonna jump out and arrest him for underage drinking or something. Nick had this way of confessing his wrongdoings himself without really being accused of anything. He'd probably had a beer or something with dinner earlier.

The cop eyed Nick, but he decided not to let it go. "What are you two up to?"

"We were going to shoot some hoops, sir, but changed our mind. We were on our way back to the hotel," I said. Nick held his ball aloft for the cop to see.

"Basket ball in the middle of the night?" he asked, suspicious.

"Well, It's hard for us to get away to do it during the day, see, without..." I paused. I leaned closer, "Well, fans, sir."

The cop leaned over and looked at us closer. "You're the Backstreet Boys," he said, recognizing us.

"Yes sir," I nodded.

He laughed. "My daughters will be very jealous of me when I tell them this." He thumbed to the backseat. "Hop in, I'll bring you back to the hotel."

Nick nudged me, so I opened the back door and climbed in, followed by Nick, who held the ball between his knees as we buckled up and the cop pulled into the street. He asked us some questions about the tour, which we answered, and he said that his daughters had tickets. Nick told him he should talk to our security guy and bring his daughters backstage before the show, and the cop's excitement over the idea was evident. We got his business card to give to security so he could get access, when the cop pulled up in front of the hotel. He let us out after Nick and I both signed some blank pieces of paper for his daughters - one for each of them. "Thanks again," I said as we climbed out of the car and the cop waved us farewell, laughing to himself.

The fans noticed us this time. I guess something about getting a police escort was more noticable than sneaking by quietly. Nick held the ball under his arm and we signed a few CDs and pin ups for the fans and did a couple pictures, then took the elevator upstairs before anymore fans could materialize. They had a way of appearing out of no where.

"I'm still cold," Nick whined.

"It was pretty damn cold out," I agreed.

The elevator doors slid opened on the fourth floor and we were greeted by two irritated looking bodyguards. Kevin was just coming out of our hotel room down the hall. He spotted us in the open elevator and his eyebrow seemed to darken.

"Where in the hell were you two?" he demanded, turning.

"Crap." Nick's fist punched the down button on the elevator.

"What're you doing?" I asked as the door closed. Kevin was walking towards us.

"Escaping," Nick replied.

The elevator began it's descent.

I sneezed.

Nick laughed. "We're probably gonna end up with like herpes or something from this."

"Herpes is a sex disease," I said, "I don't think we'll get it from walking around at night. Maybe a cold."

The elevator doors opened on the third floor and we both dove out and into the hall. We walked along the ugly carpet for a couple minutes. "Now what?" Nick asked.

"This was your plan," I reminded him.

"Well it's not like I thought about what we were doing," he laughed. "I just was getting away from that beastly glare we were getting."

"You know he's gonna catch that elevator and come looking for us," I pointed out.

We decided to duck into the vending machine room so he wouldn't be able to spot us the moment the elevator doors opened. We each deposited some change and got some candy and soda and sat down on the floor. We started trading M&M colors and chatting. It didn't take long before we'd fallen into one of our usual discussions about who would win in a one-on-one fight, Spiderman or Batman.

"It's no contest," Nick was saying, "Spiderman's got his webs."

"Batman could cut through the webs," I said.

"With what?"

"He could just extend his bat wings and the web would break," I said.

"Spidey's webs are unbreakable," Nick argued, "They're like super glue."

"No they aren't, people break out of spidey's webs all the time," I said.

Nick popped a red M&M into his mouth and contemplated this. "Maybe they wouldn't fight," he said, shrugging.

"Well they're both fictional," I pointed out. "And they live in two different universes. You know, DC and Marvel."

Nick nodded thoughtfully.

"Bats eat spiders," I said after a pause.

"DUDE," Nick's eyes were wide, "That's called canibalism!"

"I'm just saying."

We were quiet for a moment. Then Nick asked, "You're sure you wouldn't forget about me if you get married?"

"Why would I forget about you?"

Nick shrugged, "I dunno because you'd be all busy with Boo--" he paused. "Leighanne, and not have time for me anymore." He poked the M&Ms he had lined up on his pant leg.

"Thank you for using her actual name," I said.

"Yeah, yeah," Nick answered.

"And I wouldn't forget you. I promise." I reached over and stole a brown M&M from his leg. "I'll always have time for you, Frack. You're my best friend in the whole world." I smiled. "You get me."

Nick grinned. "You get me too." He paused, "But if you touch my brown M&Ms again, I'm gonna have to break your neck. Seriously."

I leaned back against the vending machine and coughed. The cough hurt, and I grimmaced and rubbed my chest. Nick sighed, shoved the last of his M&Ms into his mouth, and hugged his knee to his chest as much as his round stomach would allow him to anyways. "Think Kevin's asleep yet?" he asked.

I shrugged. Kevin was the type that would sit in our room and wait until we had the balls to show back up again. "Might as well go see," I said. "I wonder what time it is."

Nick shrugged, too. "I'm tired, though."

"Me too."

"And my throat's kinda scratchy. Think we really did get colds?"

"I dunno," I answered, "I guess we'll see tomorrow."

Nick laughed, "Kevin's gonna be ripped shit if we get sick, you know."

"I'm aware," I replied.

We stood up and started down the hall to the elevator. Nick hit the up button then turned to me. "I'm glad you found someone you like enough to get married to," he said.

"Me, too," I replied.

Nick nodded and we got on the elevator. Upstairs, we tip-toed to our room and Nick slipped the keycard into the slot and we opened the door to find Kevin sitting in the chair by the desk, exactly where I'd half-expected to find him, his fingertips pressed together as he sat in wait of our return, giving us the Dirty Brow.

Nick turned to me. "Who would win in a battle to the death? Spiderman, Batman, or Kevin?"

"I would," Kevin replied darkly. "Hands down."

Chapter Five


The next morning I was woken up by Nick hacking up a lung in the next bed. It wasn't Herpes, like Nick had worried, obviously, but it was the cold that I'd predicted. We both had it. Kevin said it served us right for sneaking out in the middle of the night.

Kevin had kept us up probably an hour after we'd walked into the hotel room the night before, reminding us all about the dangers of our having snuck out of the hotel alone without security guards and without telling anybody. He threatened to call both our mothers, to which Nick had responded by profusively begging him not to. Kevin had sighed and said he wouldn't - but that next time he caught us doing something like that, he would.

As soon as the door had closed behind Kevin, Nick looked at me. "He'll forget he said that by next time."

We all knew there would be a next time with me and Nick. There always was. I mean, they call us Frick and Frack for a reason, you know?

But the next morning we were suffering for our art. Nick looked over at me as I groaned and rolled onto my back. Everything in my body felt like dead weight. "We probably shouldn't have gone out to play hoops last night," Nick said thickly.

"Probably not," I agreed.

I went and washed my face. I felt too much like crap to bother with a shower and got dressed. While Nick was in the bathroom after me, I went to get Lou to see about us going to a drug store for some cold medication. I knocked on his hotel room door and it took him a few long moments to open it, and when he did, he opened it only a crack, sticking his head into the slim space between the wall and the door. "Yes?" he asked.

"Nick and I are sick," I said.

Lou scowled. He glanced behind him, then slipped out of the door, trying his best to keep it pulled closed as he came into the hallway. I didn't even try to look in, so I'm not sure why he was acting so secretive or what he was acting it about. It kind of hurt my feelings that he didn't know I respected his privacy. Lou leaned against the closed door, keycard in one hand, rubbing his chin with the other, glaring at me. "You're both sick?" he demanded.

The way he said it, it was like he was questioning if I was lying or not. I suddenly felt like a little kid that had held a lamp to my forehead to get out of going to school. "Yes," I said, "We're both sick. But that's really not weird because we share a room and all. Anything either of us caught the other's bound to catch, too," I pointed out.

Lou muttered to himself, then he barked, "And I suppose you can't sing or something because of this?"

"I don't know..." I paused, "We were kinda hoping we could get some cold meds and tea and all that," I explained.

Lou nodded roughly. "Give me a few minutes." And with that, he turned and shuffled his secretive way back into his hotel room.

I walked back to my hotel room considering the encounter I'd just had. Lou was in a bad mood or something, I thought to myself. Normally, he never would've been that callous. He would've made sure Nick and I were okay before asking if we could perform. I tried to think of a previous time that we'd encountered this problem, but none came to mind.

It wasn't until I got back to the hotel room that I realized I'd left the keycard inside and I had to knock to get Nick to open the door. I stood there coughing in the hallway waiting for him to open it. Howie came out of his hotel room down the hall, spotted me, and came over. "That's some cough you're sporting," he commented.

"Nick and I went out last night to shoot some hoops. Walked like twenty blocks and realized it was too cold and had to walk back. I guess we were out in the cold too long, we're both sick," I explained.

"Is that why Kevin was knocking on our door last night at two-thirty asking where you guys were?" he asked, raising an amused eyebrow.

"Kevin's such a worry wart." I slammed the door a couple more times. "NICK!" I called into the room, "Open the door!" I turned back to Howie. "Lou was kinda pissed off, too," I said.

Howie nodded, "I'd expect so. He's under a lot of stress lately, he's been getting irritated easily. I wonder what's going on that's got him so worked up."

"Who knows?" I looked at the door. "Nick's probably playing with himself again," I grumbled.

"Yo Nicky, drop ya pee-pee and get out here," Howie yelled, smacking his hand against the door. "Signourey Weaver's just a figment of your imagination dude." We both cracked up. The door swung open a couple moments later and Nick glowered out at Howie. "Ohhh Signourey," Howie whined out in a nasally, high-pitched voice, imitating Nick when he was like thirteen, "Yesss Signourey... Harder, pull it harder... pull my pork!"

Apparently Kevin had started a new Backstreet Catch Phrase.

"Shut up I was not," Nick whined, "And I don't sound like thaaaaaaaaat!" Ironically as he said it, he sounded more like it than he normally did, which set Howie off laughing again. Nick scowled. "You're such a jackass," he commented.

"Jacking is what you were doing," Howie replied, "Not me." He glanced at me, "No offense but if ya'll are sick I ain't hangin' out with you. I'm gonna go get breakfast." He turned and walked away, Nick glaring at him until the elevator doors closed.

I turned back to Nick. "Lou's gonna take us to get the cold meds in a couple minutes."

"Thank God." Nick went back in the room and I followed him. He threw himself on his bed and lay flat, sprawled, staring up at the ceiling. "I might die."

"Don't be such a Drama Queen," I teased, "It's only a cold." I opened my duffle bag and started digging through it, looking for the aspirin I'd brought along.

Nick was still laying on his back. "I'm not a drama queen. I'm a boy. I'd be a drama king."

I remembered suddenly that I'd used the last of the aspirin the night before and thrown the empty bottle away. I chewed the inside of my lip and rubbed the center of my chest with the heel of my hand, sitting down on the bed, thinking. Had I seriously blown through a bottle of baby aspirin in a week? I'd bought that bottle the day we did the Disney World Christmas appearance, hadn't I? That was on the 22nd and here it was the 28th and I was out. That was actually less than a week. Only six days. Granted, it was a small bottle, but that's a lot of aspirin.

"You okay?" Nick asked.

"Yeah," I replied, "I'm fine. Just thinking."

Nick studied me a moment. "We should find an indoor basket ball court," he suggested.

I looked up at him, "We're both sick," I laughed.

"Yeah but I mean we've played sick before, right?" he asked.

I shrugged. Honestly, I didn't think I could lift a basket ball without getting a hernia at the moment. "Maybe," I answered, only because I didn't wanna get Nick going. I knew the playing of the basket ball meant a lot to him, he hadn't stopped talking about it since we'd met up at the Orlando airport, after all, and I really did owe it to him. It'd been probably a month since the last time we really had some time to shoot some hoops together. "We'll see."

It was another ten minutes before Lou showed up to take us down to the drug store. AJ came along because he wanted to buy some cigarettes and we all piled into a van with a couple bodyguards after signing autographs in the lobby again, and the van carried us down the street to a small drug store on St. Catherine street. We ducked inside and one guard followed AJ off to the counter to buy his cigarettes, while the other followed Nick and I to the cold and flu aisle. Lou said he'd be right back and walked away.

Nick and I stood debating over cold meds until we'd chosen a cherry flavored liquid that claimed to soothe the throat. I grabbed a bottle of Bayer aspirin instead of the little baby tablets, figuring the larger, grown up ones might not go as quickly since they were made for adults. Then we went to get some tea and honey from the food section of the store. "What's that for?" Nick asked, pointing at the Bayer as we walked, our bodyguard following a couple paces away.

"I need it for my heart," I replied.

"Oh," Nick said. He grabbed honey off the shelf and held it up, "What a boring bottle." It was just a regular jar. "The one my mom buys back home is shaped like a bear. They should have the bear shaped honey jars." He frowned.

"It's the same stuff," I said, taking it from him and adding it to the basket of our stuff that I was carrying.

"But honey tastes better coming out of a bear."

"Bears actually don't go after the honey when they eat honey, they're after the bee larvae," I said, shrugging.

Nick looked at me blankly for a moment. "Lava?" he looked confused.

"Larvae," I said, "It's baby bees."

"Why would they eat bees when there's delicious honey right there?" Nick and I started walking to the register. Again, our bodyguard followed us. He was like a shadow, staying just far back enough that we didn't feel like we could include him in our conversation but close enough that it felt like he was hovering whenever we moved.

"For the protein," I answered Nick's question about the bees.

Nick clutched at his throat, "Baby bees probably feel nasty going down. I can't imagine a bee would taste good. They probably sting too. God that's nasty."

"I'm just saying that it's really Winnie the Pooh's fault that honey jars are even shaped like bears, when you think about it."

"I hate Winnie the Pooh," Nick commented. "He's a fat, lying bastard." He grinned, "He's not unlike Lou that way."

I raised an eyebrow. I wasn't sure where that comment was coming from. I mean, we all liked Lou as far as I knew. I started unloading our basket onto the counter for the cashier, who looked a little awestruck at us as she rung our items out and put them into a bag. "Twenty-two," she said. I nudged Nick, "Gimme six, since I got the Bayer, I'll pay more than half."

Nick rummaged in his wallet and handed me the six dollars. Once we'd paid, we joined AJ standing on the sidewalk. He had a cigarette crammed in his mouth and when he took it out, he held it the way a person would hold a joint. I ignored this, but I had a feeling Kevin would notice it. I coughed every time he exhaled smoke, but he didn't seem to notice.

"Gimme the cold meds," Nick said, holding out his hand. I handed the bottle to him and he quickly poured himself a capful of the stuff without reading the directions. Handing the bottle off to me, he knocked back the meds. He made a face like he'd just done a shot of tequila after he'd taken it. I glanced through the directions and warnings on the back, but it seemed pretty straight forward. Blah blah blah, too much of this stuff will kill you, blah blah blah, consult a doctor if you're pregnant, etc. etc. etc. So I poured myself a capful and also downed it, though I refrained from the shot face. It tasted thick and too sweet but it did coat my throat.

AJ flicked the last of his cigarette to the ground and snuffed it with the toe of his shoe.

Lou finally joined us outside a few minutes later and we all piled into the van again. We were brought to the Molson Center, where we were sent to get ready to work on a rehearsal before doing a radio appearance later that evening, which we spent the afternoon doing. We weren't as rusty as we could've been - after all it hadn't really been all that long since we'd done the show - but our choreographer had reworked some of the steps during the break and had to get us back up to speed. It was a lot of work, and Nick and I were practically zombies by the time we were sent to hit the showers.

"Dead," Nick muttered as he pulled his shirt off in the dressing room. "Dying. Dead. Gonna die." He lowered himself to his knees, then to the concrete floor on his bare chest.

"Do you have any clue how many germs are on that floor?" Kevin demanded, nudging Nick with his foot. "Get up."

"Germs do not matter to me," said Nick with his stuffy nose, "as I am already dead."

Kevin looked at me. I shrugged. "Get up, Nick," Kevin said, his voice meaning it a little more than he had a moment before. Nick grudingly struggled up from the floor and flopped down in a director's chair. Kevin sat in his own chair and sighed. "Man that was a work out," he muttered.

"Try doing it with a cold," Nick retorted.

"I have no pity for you," Kevin replied. "Going outside to shoot hoops in the middle of the night in a Canadian winter. You deserve every sniffle you suffer."

My chest was tight again so I pulled out the Bayer I'd bought and took one. Nick watched me open the bottle and take out the cotton ball, an undiscernable look on his face. After I'd down the pill, he looked away and shifted in his seat to reach for some tissues off the table in front of him.

After we'd all been showered and cleaned up and stuck into more presentable outfits it was off to do a quick interview with the local radio station. It was the usual stuff, call ins and questions about new material and concerts and what it was like being thrust into the spotlight as Backstreet Boys. I kept suppressing yawns. We all let Kevin talk a majority of the time - he'd only interrupt us if he had something to say anyways - and it led to a long evening. By the time we got back to the hotel that night, Nick and I were both exhausted.

"No hoops tonight," Nick muttered, crawling onto his bed in his pajamas and landing face-down on the pillow.

"Definitely not," I replied.

We both took more of the cold meds and went to sleep without much more conversation than that.

The next few days went pretty much the same way. We rehearsed and learned new choreography, did interviews and photoshoots and appearances around the city, including an autograph signing at a record store, and came back to the hotel only to take cold medication and crash into the pillows. The highlights of my days was getting a few minutes aside to call Leighanne or shoot her a quick email when I had access to a computer. Leighanne asked me each time how my cold was and I'd tell her how it felt like a band was around my chest and I'd blame the cold for making it hard to breathe during rehearsals.

"It's crazy," I told her on New Years Eve, "I don't remember a cold ever kicking my ass quite this hard before."

"Aw, poor Bri-bear," she said, "I wish I could kiss it better."

"I wish I could just kiss you," I answered, "That would make it better."

That night we were out in the streets with the rest of Canada it seemed as they counted down to the new year. Kevin, Howie, AJ, Nick and I were standing next to each other bundled up in our coats with scarves, hats, gloves, the whole nine yards, watching as the confetti flew and everyone went crazy. We did a short appearance on TV, singing All I Have to Give, which we were planning to release as the third official single from the album later in the month. After that, we all went inside to this party at the radio station and got ourselves drinks - even Nick - and we had some fun despite the cold - both the weather and the sick.

Around 11:45, Nick turned to me and he asked, "What's your resolution this year?"

I thought about it for a minute. "I dunno," I replied, "I guess to make it to next year."

"That's a stupid resolution," Nick teased.

"At least I know I won't break it," I joked.

"I'ma eat less twinkies this year," Nick decided.

"Now that's a stupid resolution."

Nick grinned, "I know. Just saying it made me want a twinkie." He took a sip of the drink he held in his hand. It was bright blue, and reminded me of raspberry Kool Aid. He looked out at the people in the street, "It's funny," he said.

"What is?" I asked, looking out, too.

"The people," Nick answered. There was a vast assortment of people in the street below. Some of them were wearing those goofy goggles with the numbers 1998 so their eyes peeked out of the loops of the 9's. Confetti flew everywhere, noise makers, and children up on their fathers' shoulders. "It's just funny. It's a new year, a new chance, and everyone's so damn thankful about that, you know? How can so many of us have fucked up so bad in 1997 that we want 1998 to come so badly?"

I smiled at Nick because sometimes he's really wise, and I'm not always sure if he means to be or if it just happens by accident. I reached over and patted his back. "You're a good kid, Nick," I told him.

He looked at me and smiled, then raised his glass to me, "To getting to next year?" he asked.

I laughed, "To less twinkies."

"Hopefully you'll do better keeping yours than mine," Nick laughed. "I gotta go find me a woman to kiss at midnight," he declared, and he bounded off to find a girl.

I turned back to the window and looked out at the sky. Leighanne and I had agreed that at midnight we'd both look at the moon and know the other person was looking up at it, too. I swished my drink in my hand and stared up at it, thinking about her and about what the future would be like with her. I tried to picture myself married, and it was hard. But then again it had once been hard to picture myself in a position like I was now - a Backstreet Boy. Jeez, I'd dreamed of a day like this all my life. I smiled, remembering myself sitting in my room as a kid thinking about how one day I'd be grown up. Getting married wasn't as scary as growing up because I didn't have to do it alone. The more I thought about the idea, the more comfortable I became with it.

Maybe even excited.

I heard the people begin the countdown and I stared up at the moon.

"Ten!"

It was going to be a crazy year...

"Nine!"

But I couldn't wait.

"Eight!"

After I'd asked Leighanne to marry me, I'd never be lonely feeling again...

"Seven!"

...and next year, I'd be standing in some city somewhere next to her...

"Six!"

...and at midnight we'd kiss instead of staring up at the moon...

"FIVE!"

...wishing and thinking.

"FOUR!"

My resolution to make it to next year was a good one, I decided.

"THREE!"

I had a lot of growing up to do over the next twelve months, and it was going to be a tough year.

"TWO!"

But I was ready for it. I was ready to become a man. So I closed my eyes and promised myself:

"ONE!"

No matter what kind of growing up I have to do this year... I will make it to 1999.

"HAPPY NEW YEAR!"

Chapter Six


January 1st marked the official beginning of the tour. Our first concert was to be held that night at the Molson Center. Nick was feeling better, even though I wasn't, and was bouncing off the walls come morning. I questioned whether he'd slept at all because he had dark circles under his eyes. We'd been out until almost two and it was only eight in the morning when he roused me, saying he was hungry and wanted to go get breakfast. When I shuffled to the bathroom I noticed an empty Twinkie wrapper in the trash by the TV stand. "So much for your resolution, huh?" I asked.

"Technically," Nick said, following me, "I kept my resolution, which was to eat less Twinkies, not no Twinkies. And normally I eat two."

I closed him out of the bathroom.

The rest of the day went by in a flash. Between prepping, doing a quick meet and greet set up by a radio station, soundchecks, and final costume checks, we were like a whirlwind of music, smiles, and hyperactivity. I was exhausted long before the show even was the next thing on our agendas. I was thankful when we took a dinner break while they let the fans into the arena at a little steak restaurant near by. Nick kept loudly announcing how hungry he was, and Kevin asked him, "When aren't you hungry?"

"I dunno, when I'm full, I guess," Nick answered.

"Does that happen?" Howie asked.

Nick didn't get that they were making fun of him, so he answered it seriously: "I dunno," he said, shrugging, "Sometimes."

It's funny how being tired can take a toll on friendships and families. Normally Nick's reaction would've sent our whole group into fits of laughter, but today our banter was less energetic than it normally would be. I tried lightening the tension by talking like Freud and pretending to analyze my steak's problems, but the chuckles I got were less than satisfactory, other than from Nick, who thought everything I did was funny. I ended up barely touching my steak before I pushed my plate away, the tension at the table was running too high.

"You gonna finish that?" Nick asked.

I shoved my plate his direction.

Johnny appeared beside our table to herd us off to the concert. His cell phone was glued to his cheek as he argued about the latest drama happening for NSYNC. Nick frowned as we followed him out to the waiting car. "Is he always advocating for them?" he hissed.

"Yeah, who's tour is he on again?" AJ chortled.

"Relax guys, NSYNC needs all the help they can get," I laughed, grinning. But they didn't laugh back. Tension was seriously running high.

On the way back to the venue, I gotta little motion sick from the car, and when we called out I felt slightly dizzy. I didn't want to let on at all, so I followed the guys into the venue, chattering away. I figured if my wits were working well enough to talk, then I was going to be fine standing upright. "Did you know this place holds 15,000 people and is connected to an underground city?"

Kevin looked at me like I was retarded.

"It's considered the sister city of Hiroshima in Japan, too," I added.

I ducked under Kevin's arm as he held open the door for the four of us and trotted down the hall toward the dressing rooms. "It was originally called Ville-Marie, which means village of Mary..."

"Okay why are you being a walking text book?" Kevin asked.

"I dunno," I answered, "Just trying to be interesting."

I shut up though. The dizzy spell had ended anyways. So we continued down the hallway, the only sound was the hum of conversation overhead in the stands as the fans found their seats, our sneakers squeaking and scuffing on the floor, and Johnny yapping about some photo shoot NSYNC was doing. When we reached the dressing room, we were put into our first set costumes and we gathered in a huddle to do our preshow prayer and the show began.

It was easy to get energy for the stage. The fans radiated energy. It was like being connected to a battery charge. And while my voice was still a little rough from the cold, I managed to put on a good show. From opening with That's The Way I Like It to closing with Backstreet's Back, we had a fantastic show, and the fans' cheers thundering after the last of the lights went out told us that they all agreed. Security rushed us through the dark underbelly of the venue, out the back door, and onto a van waiting to bring us out to Ottawa for the next show, trying to beat the fans out so we didn't encounter a lot of traffic.

I sighed in relief as I dropped next to Kevin in the back of the van. Kev was scootched up against the window, looking out at the lights of the city, followed by Howie. Nick and AJ were seated in the front row, with Johnny and Lou in the center, right in front of us. "Oh Lordy," I muttered, leaning back in my center seat.

"Feels good to be with the grown ups for once, huh?" Kevin joked.

I laughed, "Actually yes. No offense to Nick or anything, but hell yeah."

"I hear ya'll talkin' about me back there," Nick called over his shoulder.

"I'd have to beat the crap out of that kid if I was around him as much as you," Howie confessed. "Or at least cut his sugar intake."

"Well he gave up Twinkies for his New Years resolution," I laughed.

Kevin literally snorted, "The Hostess company ought to be going out of business if Nick really does give them up."

"Well he already broke it, he had one this morning before I got up," I laughed.

"That's because I only revolved to cut back not cut them out," Nick argued. He meant resolved but switched the word in one of his classic Nick goof-ups.

Kevin rolled his eyes and looked out the window as the car pulled away from the venue and Johnny started in on his phone once again. He was booking a flight for NSYNC now. The fellas were right, he was spending an awful lot of time thinking about NSYNC while on our tour. But I understood he was a busy guy. It was probably really hard keeping track of multiple bands at the same time.

The ride was supposed to take a little less than three hours from Montreal to Ottawa, but the way the van was hurtling through the dark on the freeway made me think maybe it'd be more like two.

I licked my lips. Now that I was away from Nick would be a good time to talk to Kevin seriously. "Hey Kev," I said quietly, hoping Nick wouldn't overhear, "I have a question for you."

"Yeah?" He turned back from the window to look at me.

"Have you ever... I dunno... thought about marriage?"

Kevin had been seeing his current girlfriend since Lord knows when. A long time. I figured if anyone had sage advice to give, it would be him. He looked at me, one eyebrow raised, his mouth twisted in a strange position. "Did Kris tell you to ask me this?" he asked.

"What? No," I shook my head, "I --"

"Because I saw ya'll talking at Christmas dinner and I gotta say it's kind of between me and her."

"No I know that, we were talking about something else at Christmas, I'm asking about me and --"

"What were you talking about else?" Kevin's eyebrow deepened.

Howie interrupted, "Dude, you're asking Leighanne to marry you?"

Kevin's eyebrow popped into place. "What? Seriously?"

"Yeah," I replied, "Well at least I think so. I don't know. I wanted to talk to you guys about it first. What do you think? Because I've been thinking about it and, I think..." I took a deep breath, "I think it's what I want."

"Good for you," Kevin said.

"You're going to make such cute babies," Howie commented.

"If we even need any kids," I joked, "We've already resigned ourselves to the fact that we're pretty much saddled with Nick."

Kevin nodded, "Nobody else is gonna take him." We glanced over at him and AJ as they goofed off. Nick was flailing and laughing loudly. "Except maybe AJ."

"I'm sure we could pawn him off on a fan," Howie said.

"Human trafficking is illegal," Kevin responded. "But seriously thats great, Cuz." He smiled. "I'm happy for you."

Kevin's positive response only solidified my confidence in my choice to go ahead and ask Leighanne the Big Question. Lou turned his head. "Did I hear ya'll talking about engagements back here?"

"Just talking, Lou," Kevin replied.

"Oh good, good." Lou butt back out of our conversation.

Why the hell would Lou care? And it suddenly occurred to me that getting married actually probably would effect the Backstreet Boys as a whole and how we were marketed. I pushed the thought out of my mind. It wasn't worth worrying about. Hundreds of singers before me had gotten hitched and not lost their musical careers over it, and I wouldn't either.

I'm not sure when it happened, but at some point I'd fallen asleep on the ride. Which it turned out to be a good thing I got sleep on the ride because we didn't get much once we arrived in Ottawa. It was ten degrees out but felt more like four and yet there were still a ton of fans waiting for us in front of the hotel as we pulled up. It took us probably an hour to get into the hotel itself, and by the time Nick and I collapsed into our pillows, we only had an hour and a half before Lou was knocking at our doors to get us moving to an early morning TV appearance.

By our lunch break before rehearsal and soundchecks that day, I was so exhausted I would've slept on a pin. I laid my head down on the table in the McDonalds we were eating at and closed my eyes, only half listening as Nick rambled on and on about the toy he'd gotten in his Happy Meal.

Kevin kicked me under the table. "What?" I asked, lifting my head.

"You should eat," he said. "You didn't finish your steak yesterday, and you skipped breakfast this morning. You need to eat." He pushed the tray with my burger, fries, and chocolate milkshake on it closer to me.

"I'm too tired to eat," I replied, but I could tell by the look on his face he wasn't going to give up the cause until I did, so I started forcing food into myself. I really wasn't hungry, though. I didn't really know why, I just knew I wasn't. Kevin was right, I hadn't eaten a lot over the last few days, but I didn't feel deprived at all.

Nick wound up his toy and let it roll across the table, where it hit Kevin's soda cup. Kevin looked up from his food at Nick, who smiled and quickly grabbed the toy off the table. "Sorry," Nick said, though his voice sounded anything but.

When we'd finished, we headed out to the Corel Center where we were led through yet another long stretch of rehearsal/soundcheck/show/running to the van and off to Toronto. I was in the front with Nick this time, but even given his hyperactivity on such a long ride (Ottawa to Toronto was a little better than five hours), I still managed to fall asleep. I was that tired.

I woke up somewhere along the way at a gas stop with Nick leaning on me, cuddling into my shoulder. AJ was leaning over the seat behind us, holding up a Polaroid camera, which he snapped just as I opened my eyes, blinding me with the flash. "You guys make a cute couple," AJ joked, leaning back, shaking the Polaroid print as he disappeared.

I shrugged out from underneath Nick, waking him up only slightly. His head hit the seat and he snuggled down into that. "Gimme that," I yawned, reaching for the print, but AJ passed it back to Howie and Kevin in the back before I could reach it. Kevin laughed, and wiggled a finger at his cheek to indicate for me to wipe my face. I rubbed my fist against my cheek and discovered Nick had drooled on my face. I swiped his saliva off and wiped it on his back. "Disgusting, Frack," I complained.

"...don't wanna..." Nick muttered, smooshing his face further into the seat cushions at my touch.

AJ laughed, "Hopefully the weird isn't contagious BRok or else you caught it." He grinned and snatched the Polaroid from Howie, who was laughing at it. He studied it for a moment, "This is just classic. How much you think a teen mag would pay for this?" he handed it to Kevin.

Kevin snorted, "At least a months' rent."

"Sweeet," AJ crooned.

I launched myself over the back of my seat and over the second one, toward AJ, trying to get the Polaroid and ended up folded like a taco shell in the middle seat. I struggled to get back up while the other guys laughed at my predictament. The van door rolled open and Johnny and Lou stood in the doorway looking like I was nuts. "What the hell are you doing?" Lou asked, "Can't leave you Boys alone for five minutes..." he grumbled as I crawled out of the van and back into place next to Nick on the front seat.

"How much you think we can get for this picture?" AJ asked, taking it from Kev and handing it to Lou as he settled into the center seat with Johnny.

Lou studied it. "Well don't you two look cozy." He looked at me, "Is this what you two are fighting over?" he asked. I nodded, and Lou promptly tucked it into his chest pocket on his shirt. "I'll just hold onto this then," he decided, "Then you can both calm down."

AJ grumbled and sat back in the far seat, Kevin smirking, and I faced forward, being careful not to sit on Nick's head or sprawled out hair, which fanned across the seat over his head like is skull was glowing.

The rest of the ride was quiet, at least until Nick woke up just outside of Toronto and AJ called up, "Good morning Sleeping Beauty," and explained about the picture.

"I did not hug Brian," Nick argued.

"Actually you did," I answered as Lou took the picture out of his pocket and held it up for Nick to inspect. Nick scowled at the picture and tried to snap it away before Lou returned it to his pocket and patted it as though reassuring it was there.

"I said you two make a cute couple," AJ repeated his joke.

Nick scowled even harder, "We're not a couple."

"Someone's cranky," Howie whispered.

"Too long on the road," Kevin said.

Nick turned around, crossing his arms and glowering out the front window. "I don't understand why I always gotta get shit on," he complained.

"You're the baby," I answered, "That's why." I glanced back at the other guys trying to signal them to leave him alone. After all, I was the only one that had to deal with him later.

Unfortunately AJ doesn't ever seem to receive such signals and he continued teasing Nick.

By the time we reached the hotel, Nick was in a ripe mood, and we were all at each other's throats. Wisely, Johnny and Lou decided to let us all have a couple hours to unwind, and we separated to our own hotel rooms. Nick connected his video games and took out his frustrations on some Goombas and Kooper Troopers in Mario Land and I took a shower.

When I got out of the shower, I heard Johnny knocking on the door, telling us to meet down in the lobby in twenty. I stared at my face in the mirror, every muscle in my body was begging me to go lay down. My cheeks were puffier than normal and I drew a deep breath and splashed water over my eyes. I pulled my Bayer out of my bag and took another dose, because even breathing was becoming a labor with all the lack of sleep.

Nick barely looked up as I came out of the bathroom, "Gotta be downstairs in like twenty minutes," he said. He was biting his tongue as he clicked the buttons on his controller.

"I heard," I answered. And yet I found myself crawling across the bed to the pillow just the same and laying down.

I dreamed I was on stage, and suddenly Lou was there, I don't know why he was on stage but strange things happen in dreams. And the next thing I knew, he'd shoved his hand into my chest and pulled out my heart. I clutched at my chest and gasped for air, and Lou laughed maniacally as I dropped backwards onto the stage, my lungs failing me as my heart hung by its cords in his grasp over my head.

I woke up suddenly, gasping for breath just as I had been in my dream. My body was covered in sweat as I grasped at my chest. I sat up, and looked over to find Nick still glued to the TV, my panic having gone unnoticed. I closed my eyes, the world seeming to spin around me, and wondered how long I'd been asleep.

The answer came in the form of the hotel room door opening with a bang and Lou coming into the room. "What the hell are you two doing up here?" he demanded, "You were supposed to be downstairs ten fucking minutes ago." His voice thundered loudly, but my heart pounded so hard in my chest still in reaction to the dream that I barely heard him.

"Sorry!" Nick yelled, leaping up and turning off the Nintendo. "Sorry. Brian, why didn't you tell me what time it was?" he asked.

Lou was pissed, "We're now late for an appearance," he grouched as I rolled out of bed and stood up. My feet felt about a thousand miles away from me and I only just caught myself from falling forward by grabbing hold of the nightstand.

"Sorry," I muttered. "Let's go." I grabbed my jacket from the end of the bed.

Nick was looking at me concerned. "You okay?" he asked as we squeezed by Lou into the hall.

"Just tired," I mumbled.

"We're all fucking tired," Lou yelled as he ushered us down the hall, "Do you have any idea how much money we lose every time you guys miss an appointment or are late by even a few minutes?" Lou demanded. We got into the elevator. "You act like you don't care."

"I care," I said, "I'm just tired. I said I'm sorry."

"Yeah me too," Nick added in.

Lou rubbed his forehead and breathed deeply. He counted to ten under his breath, then looked up. "You're right, you're right," he said, exhaling. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be yelling at you. It's just important that when we set a schedule we all stick to that schedule, don't you understand? This is making or breaking your career, this is your life and your money thats on the line, not mine."

I leaned against the wall in the elevator and stared at Lou and wondered which he'd care more about: a stack of money or me. I pushed the thought out of my head quickly, though. That was stupid. He was Big Poppa. He cared about us, of course he cared about us. He was just tired, too, and tired for him wore on his nerves and made him cranky. Like a little kid. Like Nick in the van. He bore responsibility for us showing up, for us being on time, for us getting places where we were expected. Of course he'd get upset and agitated when we blew him off... It made sense. Didn't it?

"About time you decided to join us there fellas," teased Johnny as we climbed off the elevator and into the lobby a few minutes later. "Let's get this show on the road, shall we?"

And off we went for another whirlwind day of work.

Chapter Seven


"This is going to be a little on the -er- insane side," our security guard warned us as we rode in a van across town the next day. We were headed for the CHUM building, where Much Music was going to be filming a special called Intimate & Interactive with us. The security guard's face was sober.

"We've seen crazy," Nick said, waving it off.

"How crazy?" Kevin asked.

"Really crazy," the guard replied. "They had to shut down a part of the street."

Kevin, Howie, AJ, and I all shared a look of oh crap, while Nick insisted we'd seen that kind of crazy before. His tune changed a couple minutes later when the van we were all piled into pulled around a corner onto Queen West street and we were looking down into a sea of people so thick that there was no way in hell the van could possibly work its way through it. We ended up stranded a block from the CHUM.

"Great," muttered the security guy, "Now what?" he climbed out of the front seat and onto the street.

"We could always sacrifice Nick," AJ suggested. "Just toss him out there, let them all go ballistic fighting over him, and the rest of us just walk by like nothin'..."

"What?" Nick's eyes were wide, "You wouldn't dare. They'd pluck my limbs off."

"Oh they'd pluck you alright," AJ nodded.

The driver had the van in park. Somehow the van had gone mostly unnoticed. A few people were eyeing the tinted windows behind which we sat nervously, but for the most part, nobody was paying any attention to the van. They probably thought we were from a news station or something. I glanced back and noticed poor Howie was staring out the window, eyes wide like he'd seen a ghost or something.

Kevin somehow managed to yawn.

"How many Backstreet Boys fans does it take to over turn a twelve passanger van?" I asked, joking. Kevin raised an eyebrow at me, and I realized my joke probably was less than appreciated given our situation.

"Over turn it?" Nick asked.

And that's why it wasn't appreciated. Got it.

"Over turn it?" he repeated. He started scratching his arm nervously. "Dude." He looked around. "There's so many of them. Dude." He was wearing a bright yellow shirt that reminded me of a banana.

"A fine occassion for Johnny and Lou to decide to not come along," Kevin muttered.

"I'm too adorable to be plucked," Nick said.

The security guard returned and said that the Much Music people were waiting on police assistance to organize the crowd, but that there was a back entrance we could use to get in without fan attention being drawn, so the driver started trying to maneuver the car back out of the crowd. It was nerve wrecking because they'd managed to close in around the van and we didn't want anyone to get hurt. The security guard ended up getting out and trying to clear the way behind the van.

"Where is Johnny and Lou anyways?" Howie piped up as the driver and the guard worked to get us back out of the crowd.

"Probably working on something NSYNC," AJ said, his voice flat with disapproval.

"'D'yall think we should be concerned with that?" Kevin asked suddenly. He'd been staring out the window at the fans, almost in a trance, but now he came out of it and looked around at the rest of us as the van slowly inched its way backwards.

Howie shrugged.

"He's a busy guy," I pointed out, "He works with a ton of bands."

"Yeah but he's contracted and getting paid right now to be on our tour, and he's not really doing anything for us, he's too busy being wrapped up in NSYNC everything," Kevin said.

"I hate NSYNC, they suck," Nick muttered, biting his fingernails.

It was true. It was a rare moment that Johnny wasn't on his phone arguing with someone about something NSYNC needed done, since he wasn't there to do it. But the fact was, he wasn't here do to anything, either.

But at least he wasn't having complete meltdowns over being ten minutes late...

"To tell the truth," I said slowly, "I'm more concerned about Lou."

"Lou?" Kevin, Howie, and AJ looked at me like I was nuts. Nick didn't respond. "Why in the world would you be worried about Lou?" Kevin asked.

Nick was staring at his hands as I spoke. "Yesterday, he flipped out on Nick and I when we went downstairs late for that appointment."

"Well he works hard choreographing our appearances and such," Kevin replied, shrugging.

"Yeah but he got really angry," I said, "He was swearing and everything else... To a point that he apologized in the elevator on the way down, but I don't know." I paused. "I felt like I mattered less to him than the money he was potentially losing because we were running late."

Howie and AJ were looking back and forth between Kevin and I like they were watching a tennis match. Both their eyes turned to Kevin as I finished speaking, waiting for him to launch the ball back into my court. Kevin raised an eyebrow, "Are you seriously trying to say that Lou is, I don't know, for lack of a better term, selfish?" he asked.

AJ and Howie turned to me.

"Not so much selfish," I answered, "As much as just..." As what? I wondered. What was I accusing Lou of being? And was he whatever it was, or was I just being sensitive? I paused. "Forget it," I said.

Nick was still staring down at his fingers. "Lou's not as great as everyone thinks he is, that's all Brian's saying," Nick spoke up. All four of us turned to look at Nick. Nick looked up and around at all of us. "I'm just saying that maybe instead of worshipping the ground he walks on we should be a little more... aware that he's not perfect is all." And with that he shoved his fingers into his mouth and started chewing on his nails again.

"Why has nobody had problems with Lou until today?" Kevin demanded, "Where is this all coming from? This feels a little bit like the crew of the Starship Enterprise turning on Captain Kirk."

I had been wondering the same thing. I mean I knew where mine was coming from, but I hadn't been aware that Nick had been as bothered with it as he sounded like he had been now. But then again, Nick had been bothered by Lou before this, hadn't he? I thought of the Winnie the Pooh comment in the drug store in Montreal. How long had Nick been resentful of Lou? I wondered.

"I think Lou's a good person," Howie said, shrugging. "He's having a rough tour the same as us, and those of us who aren't exactly acting as maturely as they should be are the ones bearing the brunt of it, that's all." Howie's words weren't meant to be harsh, they were just true. I mean, Nick and I had been in more trouble than we really needed to be. By we, I mean mostly Nick, of course, but because we're kind of a package deal I was getting lumped in by association.

Nick muttered something, but I didn't quite hear him, and he muttered it just before the van pulled to a stop along side a back door in the CHUM building and security opened the door and we were ushered out across the small side street. A couple of girls at the end spotted us as we got out of the van - probably the ones that were suspicious before - and screamed and started running towards us. We hesitated, and I personally thought that maybe I'd sign something for them when their screams were echoed by a much larger portion of the crowd we'd seen around the front and a wave of girls started to round the corner. We rushed into the building to the backstage area quickly.

I pictured the van being swept away in a tsunami of girls, swallowed like a matchbox car.

There was tension between the five of us after that conversation, though I'm not sure why. If anything we should've been banding together if we were having doubt in management, but I guess our differing opinions made us react like fractures.

We were received by the Much Music veejay, who resembled a French-Canadian version of Bob Marley. He was tall, skinny, with long dreadlocks and kind eyes. He was excited to be doing the show, and he made it easy for the five of us to fall into our respective charactitures that we needed to be to do the show.

Just before starting, I popped a couple more aspirin.

Intimate & Interactive is essentially a televised concert with a fifteen minute interview segment. The inside of the studio set up in the CHUM building looked like a club, with the staging lighting the audience crowded around the outside of a square performance space on the floor. Doors opened onto the street with the overspill of the fans. Cold air poured in through the doors, but that was okay because it was really hot in the studio with the stage lights and the crowded bodies around. The idea was that we'd perform a miniature version of our nightly show set, part inside and, because of the overspill, they were working on procuring a space outside as well for us to perform out there for a couple songs.

The show went well. The fans were really into the show, cheering and waving. One girl that stood alongside the stage was in tears and I gave her a hug halfway through the show. She wrapped her arms around my neck and whispered that our music meant so much to her. It was moments like that which reminded me why I worked so hard and made all the crazy rushing of the last few days worth it.

It was raining a little as we climbed back into the van after the show. The van moved through the crowd of girls that had gathered around the backdoor slowly and they slapped their palms on the sides of the van and held up signs declaring how much the love us. Their ecstatic faces staring up. Nick pressed his hand against the tinted window and they must've been able to see it because they all tried to reach the glass at that point for a couple seconds until he'd taken it away.

"Sometimes," Howie commented, staring down at one particular girl who was wailing, tears pouring down her face, "It's hard to tell if they're happy or sad."

"Or in pain," AJ added, looking at the same girl.

"Do guys do this to Madonna or whoever?" Nick wondered outloud. He looked around at us, as though expecting us to know the answer.

"I think teen girls do it to Madonna, too," Kevin said, shrugging.

"Proof that females are fucked in the head," AJ muttered.

"Troubles in paradise, my friend?" Kevin teased. AJ shook his head and looked away.

"What good do they think it does?" I laughed, "Like we're gonna see one of them screaming in apparent agony that's really excitement, stop the van, jump out, push through all these other screaming/crying girls, grab her hand, and propose on the spot?"

"I've wondered that for five years now," Kevin murmured, rubbing his chin.

Nick pointed out a sign. "That one wants you to marry her so she can have your children, Howie."

Howie laughed, squinting out at the heart-shaped proposal in the back row. "I'll get right on that."

"You better," Nick nodded solemnly.

Soon enough the van had broken free from the crowd and we were headed for the Toronto airport. The rain was a little harder as the van moved along the freeway. We all sat quietly, staring out at the night, friends again now that we'd blown some steam and laughed together, but tired. I felt like all I'd done was sleep and work since we'd arrived in Canada. The funny thing was it was only a seven-day run and it seemed blurrier in my mind than entire 40-plus-date tours that we'd done in the past. The days all kind of ran together.

At the airport, we were informed that our flight was running a little behind because of the weather. Apparently there was a storm system working its way off the Great Lakes that was hitting the cold front and turning to freezing rain. The temperatures had dropped outside to the twenties and then to the 'teens from the forties that they'd been in during the afternoon. So we ended up sitting in the waiting area. Lou and Johnny and the rest of our entourage were there, too, having caught up at the airport, and Johnny seemed like he didn't know what to do with himself because the storm had broken his cell phone's reception.

Nick attempted to play I Spy, and it took him an amazing ten minutes to figure out that nobody was playing with him, and he was just sitting there describing whatever it was that he saw. I'm guessing the way he was describing it that whatever it was looked an awful lot like a painting by Picaso or else he was changing things. Once he was bored with I Spy, he took off to go find a snack, leaving the rest of us in silence.

Kevin moved and sat where Nick had been next to me. He glanced over at Lou, who was in a deep-looking conversation with Johnny, and then asked, "So, you given anymore thought to the marriage thing?"

"Yeah, I'm gonna do it," I nodded. "I just wanna find the perfect ring to do it with, you know?"

Kevin lowered his voice, "I was thinking we could do that together."

"You wanna help me shop for rings?"

Kevin cleared his throat, "I thought I might shop for one, too."

I looked up at him, a smile spreading across my face, "Yeah?"

Kevin nodded, "Yeah, I think it's time." He drew a deep breath. "And I can't let my little cousin get married before I do," he added, rubbing the top of my head and messing up my hair. "How in the hell would that look?"

"Like I have my shit together and you're a pathetic loser," I joked.

Kevin laughed, "Well. Anyways, maybe when we get back Stateside. Deal?"

"Sure."

"You're in my spot."

We both looked up to find Nick standing behind Kevin, a giant cup of ice cream in his hands. Kevin laughed and winked at me, then moved out of the way for Nick to reclaim his seat. He crossed his legs and dove into the ice cream.

"You're gonna end up looking like a Budda," I told him.

"Nuh uh," he said, shoving a spoonful of the ice cream into his mouth, "I burn it all off on stage."

I poked his stomach and he laughed like the Pillsbury Dough Boy.

After was seemed like the longest delay known to man, they started boarding our flight back to Montreal. It was a repeat of the first flight - with Nick taking out passangers with his backpack, thanking them, and continuing down the aisle. He shoved our bags in the overhead and we sat, this time he was against the window and Howie was beside me.

Two barf bags, an hour, and a vow from Howie that he would kill Nick if he ever had to fly two seats away from him again later and we were back on the ground in Montreal.

"The damn wait was longer than the flight," Kevin complained as we passed him in the terminal.

It was late enough that there wasn't anybody at the airport in Montreal and most of the flights in and out had been cancelled by this point or rerouted. It was a bit of a miracle we'd gotten in apparently because the airstrip was about to be closed down. The freezing rain we'd encountered in Toronto was reaching Montreal now, but with the lower temperatures here the storm was impacting even worse.

As we were walking out to the shuttle bus that was going to carry us back to the hotel - the same as we'd stayed in before, just a block from the Molson Centre - I discovered that the storm had despoited a pretty thick layer of ice to the ground. The hard way. One moment I was shuffling along and the next I was on my back, my fall only broken by landing on my duffle bag.

"Dude you okay?" Nick asked, fishing me up from the ground and almost falling down himself.

"Yeah just don't fall on me, you'd squash me," I teased as he helped me stand.

Kevin paused a few feet ahead of us, AJ and Howie were already climbing onto the shuttle. "You okay?" Kev asked as I limped towards him.

"Yeah just fine," I replied.

"Don't need any broken Backstreet Boys," commented Lou as he came up behind Nick and I. "Cancelling shows at this point would be a royal pain in the ass."

"Not that falling didn't cause a pain in my ass," I commented.

Nick grinned.

The freezing rain was still falling as the shuttle inched through Montreal back to the hotel. We passed a basket ball court less than a block from the hotel - going the opposite direction than Nick and I had gone the week before - and Nick pointed it out. "I'm certainly not going to play basket ball tonight," I told him.

"Well no there's rain," he said.

"Freezing rain," I corrected.

"Maybe tomorrow after it stops?" Nick suggested.

"Nick, that court is gonna be like an ice rink," I said. He frowned, disappointed.

When we got back to the hotel, there were a couple fans in the lobby, so we signed their CDs and posters while Johnny and Lou got us checked in. Apparently the computers and credit card machines were down because of the storm, so it took awhile, and we all ended up in the hotel's restaurant for dinner while we waited. I couldn't believe Nick was eating again so soon after the ice cream in the Toronto airport, but he managed to pack away a whole cheeseburger and a big plate of fries with no probelm. AJ, Kevin, and Howie all had beers and I had another aspirin and discovered I wasn't a big fan of what Canada called pizza. By the time we were done, our rooms were ready and we all herded upstairs - this time to the sixth floor - and split into our separate room assignments.

Nick stared out the window at the city outside. Ice pellets hit the glass and flicked off into the dark. He turned and looked at me, "Is it what you expected it to be?" he asked.

"Is what?" I asked.

He glanced back at the window as he answered, "Being famous."

"It's more work than I thought it was," I answered.

"Is it worth it?" Nick asked.

I shrugged. "I dunno." I thought of the girl I'd hugged at Intimate & Interactive, how thick and honest her voice had been when she'd thanked me for the music. "Maybe the fame isn't, but the people I meet - they are."

Nick turned around and looked at me thoughtfully. He nodded, "Yeah, the people are worth it," he decided, "Definitely."

Chapter Eight


"Dude, Brian. Dude. Dude. Get up. Get up, quick."

I was being violently shaken as Nick spoke so close to my face I could smell his morning breath. I groaned, "What?" I pulled my pillow to safeguard against his advance.

"We have the morning off," he said, his voice urgent, "Get up. Lou cleared our morning schedule."

I shoved the pillow away and looked up at my blonde friend. "What? Why? What? Lou cleared it? Why? Who's dying?" I asked.

Nick laughed, "Nobody. Well probably somebody, somewhere, but nobody we know anyways." He pointed at the window. It was covered with a sheen of ice, like a second window pane. "But there ain't no way in hell we's goin' anywhere!" he added, grinning.

We were up, dressed, and outside - colds be damned! - within fifteen minutes. A plow truck had worked to scrape up most of the ice off the parking lot, creating piles of chunks made up of shavings that had solidified together. It had stopped storming and the city had an eerie calm to it that could only follow a storm. Nick and I kicked the ice blocks back and forth, creating a make-shift sort of hockey game. Some fans gathered around from the lobby to watch and called encouragement to us, alternating who they were rooting for. Nick's face was hot pink from the cold, and I could feel that mine was also, but we stuck it out for awhile, nuzzling into our coats, until we just couldn't take it anymore and we went in to the hotel restaurant for coffee.

We were sitting in a table by the window, watching a sanding truck as it drove by, and Nick was holding his cup in his hand, smiling down at it. I could tell he was feeling better now that I'd played with him. He was like a dog that way - a big yellow lab, if I had to give him a specific breed - he didn't care what we played, only that we did.

And I had to admit that the playing did feel amazing. It'd been awhile since we'd had some time to just play like that, and when Lou finally did gather us all together to head over to the venue for that night's show, I felt much more refreshed than I had in quite some time. I didn't even need to take any aspirin, which was good because I was close to needing a new bottle.

While we were being made up and put through wardrobe, we all watched the news coverage about the storm on TV, and it was still hitting parts of New Brunswick and Nova Scotia as it moved towards the eastern seaboard. Apparently, the storm had struck a lot harder than we'd realized because huge chunks of south eastern Canada and New England were without power and there were all kinds of accidents and fatalities on the highways throughout the provinces that had been hit by the storm.

"Is anyone even gonna be able to get here tonight?" AJ demanded as they moussed up his hair. He had a glass of Jack Daniels on his dresser and had become increasingly cranky as he sipped it.

Lou reached over, took the glass, and down the last of it. As he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, and AJ looked at him aghast, Lou said, "Doesn't matter; the show goes on. Those who make it here, make it here." He shrugged and wobbled out of the room.

"Bastard drank my Jack," AJ complained.

I shared a look with Nick, who looked less than impressed with Lou's announcement as well. "If nobody can come safely, what's the point of having a show?" I asked.

"If we don't do that show, we get charged for the venue anyway," Johnny said. "You lose a lot of money. You wanna lose money?"

"Of course not," Howie replied.

"Then the show must go on," replied Johnny.

"But if nobody can make it safely," I argued, "Isn't it worth just paying the venue to keep the fans safe? I mean if we cancel..." But I was interrupted by Johnny's phone ringing, and he stood up and took it into the hallway.

Kevin sighed and tossed a water to AJ before cracking one open himself. AJ glowered at the bottle, "This isn't Jack," he said.

"Better for you," Kevin replied before turning to me, "Look, the fans aren't stupid. They'll travel if they can and if they can't, they won't."

"You know they'll travel through whatever they have to to get to the show if it's going on," I argued.

"It's their own risk, not ours," he replied.

"We could save lives, lives of our fans, by cancelling so they didn't feel like they had to get here."

"We can't afford to cancel," Kevin argued.

I stood up with a sigh and walked out of the dressing room. I wandered through the backstage area, frustrated with Kevin and Lou and Johnny and everyone else. I stood at the corner of the stage, staring out into the hollow of the arena, at the empty seats and the Jumbo-tron and the stage hands as they scurried about to set up the lights. I sat down on the band's stand on the stage and rested my elbows on my knees and my chin on my hands and stared out at the concrete world that the fans would inhabit in a couple hours.

How bad did things have to get before a situation was bad enough that the show did not have to go on? I wondered. How desperate did things need to be before a life was more important than the music, than this band, than schedule conflicts, appointments, appearances, and public opinion on a matter? Clearly, a life threatening situation - like this storm - was not enough to even make the show slow down.

What in the hell did it take to make it stop?

Nick suddenly showed up at my side and he sat next to me. He glanced over at me. "I'm sorry they ain't sidin' with you," he said. "But I'm on your side."

"Thanks," I mumbled.

"C'mon, let's get ready," he said.

"You ever wonder what would happen if we just refused to do a show or an appearance?" I asked him as he stood up.

Nick hovered for a second, thinking, then he sat back down. "You don't wanna do the show tonight?" he asked.

I shrugged, "I'm just worried about them."

"I know, me too," Nick replied.

"A part of me wants to walk out right now and see what the hell Lou does about it. He can't do shit if none of us want to do the show, right?" I asked.

Nick shrugged, "I dunno what he can do." I studied my sneakers for a long moment. Nick studied me. Finally he said, "C'mon, you know you won't do it," he said. He stood up. "And even if you did, you'd never get the other guys to do it. Let's go get ready."

I stood up and followed Nick back to the dressing room, but a part of me really wanted to challenge Lou.

That night, during our pre-show prayer, I made certain that we prayed for the fans that were coming to the show, and the ones that couldn't make it there because of the storm. And I continued praying it throughout the show. Every eye I made contact with, every hand I touched, every time I drew I breath I prayed that every girl in that crowd would be safe in her bed that night, despite the storm. I felt like I needed to pray for each one specifically.

My worry for the fans only increased as the van that carried us down our one-block commute slid across a sheer layer of black ice that had coated the pavement during the afternoon and evening hours. I fell asleep with the TV on the news, much to Nick's disapproval, fearing that I'd see some heartbroken parent blaming us for killing their daughters, but if driving to the concert was the cause of any of the accidents that they featured that night, the newscaster had the courtesy not to say so.

It was at breakfast the next morning that Johnny informed us that he'd been contacted by a radio station after a concerned boyfriend had called them this morning requesting our single to be played for his girlfriend to cheer her up because she'd missed our show the night before due to an accident. The radio station had taken the liberty to take the boyfriend's idea one step further and called our management wanting to set up a bedside visit for the girl and Johnny had agreed.

"I hate hospitals," Nick murmured as we climbed into the van.

"I know," I answered.

"No like I really hate'em," Nick said.

"Try spending half your childhood in one," I commented. Nick gave me a questioning look. "I did," I added.

He pulled his seat belt on. "In my experiecne, people go into hospitals, and they don't come back out," he said.

The ride over to the hospital was quiet except Johnny on the phone with a news station that was going to do exclusive coverage of the visit. When we got there and piled out, Kevin stopped at the gift shop to get flowers for the girl, and then we all were herded upstairs. A nurse led us to the girl's room - who by this time we'd learned was named Rebecca - and she knocked on the door. "You have company," she said, her French-Canadian accent thick.

"Company?" we heard a man's voice ask.

The nurse stepped in and held the door open and the five of us shuffled in, followed by the TV crew's camera man. Rebecca was a twenty year old girl with dark red hair and bright eyes. She had some scrapes, a set leg, and a bandage on her forehead. Her eyes widened as we stepped into the room and she gasped and looked around, panicing, and unsure how to react. "Oh my God," she said.

"Hello Rebecca," Kevin said. He swooped forward and put his flowers on her rolling meal tray. "These are for you."

"Hey Rebecca," Nick pranced around the other side of her bed.

Her parents and her boyfriend were in the room. The boyfriend was grinning and her mother had tears in her eyes and her hands pressed to her cheeks as she watched us pool around her daughter's bedside. I stood behind Nick, with AJ looking over my shoulder, and Howie joined Kevin on the other side.

"We heard you couldn't make it to the show last night," Howie said.

"So we bringin' the show to you," Nick finished Howie's sentence, his twangy Floridian accent carrying the words in a fashion that only Nick could.

AJ held up a t-shirt Johnny had told us to give her, and a tour program, and he put them down on her lap. Rebecca was in tears by now, fanning herself. "Oh God, you're seriously here, you're really, seriously here."

I reached for her hand and Nick beamed at her like a hyena.

"It's not a Backstreet show unless we sing, fellas," Kevin said, and he cleared his throat and we each tuned ourselves to sing acapella, then broke into As Long As You Love Me by the girl's bedside as she sat there sobbing. I squeezed her hand and she squeezed mine right back. Her mother was gasping for air behind us, she was so excited for her daughter.

"I never dreamt you guys would come to sing my song request," the boyfriend laughed when we'd finished.

Rebecca had one of those smiles that made it all worth it in the end.

"Good publicity," Johnny was commenting as we all climbed into the van after saying goodbye to Rebecca, her boyfriend, and her parents. "I could not have choreographed that better."

On the way to the Molson Centre, Nick whined that he was hungry, but I was distracted, thinking, and the other guys just ingored him, so he struck out. He gave me those hurt puppy eyes when I didn't respond to him, but I couldn't help it. I was too busy thinking about Rebecca. And I couldn't stop through all the preshow duties that were thrown our way - rehearsal, meet and greet, all of it. Despite the fact that we'd gone to cheer her up, I still felt guilty. After all, she wouldn't have been hurt in the first place if it hadn't been for us not cancelling the show. She wouldn't have gone out in the ice storm and gotten hurt at all if we hadn't put such a precedence on our monetary gain. All I could think as we kicked off that night's show was how the news had reported thirty fatalaties because of the ice storm, and I couldn't help wondering how many of those fatalaties had been because of us.

"What's eating you?" Howie asked as we dove under the stage during Kevin's solo. Nick had taken off to the bathroom, so it was just AJ, Howie, and I changing. Howie was buttoning his shirt at rapid speeds.

"Nothing," I replied. I hesitated. "I don't know."

AJ looked up from shimmeying on his pants, the waist balanced around his knees. "You're still thinkin' about that girl," he said, filling in the blank.

Howie looked at me, "You are?"

I sighed, "Yeah," I admitted.

"Look, me too," AJ said, pulling the pants up the rest of the way and buckling his belt. He shrugged though, "What else can I say other then it ain't fair what happened? Life ain't fair," he added. He thumbed at an empty glass that had contained Jack Daniels that he'd already drank down. "It's never been fair, but we move on." He shouldered by me, headed for the steps up onto the stage as Kevin's song was winding down.

I stared at my feet. Howie, who was just shrugging on his jacket, patted my back. "Look, Brian," he said, "It's not your fault, okay?"

"Yeah it is," I snapped, anger suddenly flaring up in my gut. "Yes, actually, it is our fault she got hurt because we held a stupid concert in the middle of a damn ice storm. We had problems travelling one block to get here and our fans came from God knows how far away to see us -- us, Howie -- because we didn't cancel. I don't understand what the big fucking deal is to just reschedule a fracking concert. So we lose a little bit of money, so what? What is the big deal? What's worth more, our precious money or some girl's life? Seriously?"

"And that," came Johnny's voice from behind me, "Is exactly why you are not the manager." He came into the dressing room area, a frown on his face. "You don't understand what it takes to make this whole thing work, to keep everything running smoothly, to promote yourself in a positive way. The fact that you understand is precisely why you pay Lou and I to keep everything going. Remember?" he asked.

"Well maybe I think it sucks," I snapped, "What you guys do sometimes sucks."

Johnny's voice rose in volume as he shouted the words, "You don't think it sucks so bad when you're bringing home those paychecks, now do you?"

I found myself cowering back from him, and it wasn't until he'd already stormed away that I realized it. I felt an overwhelming since of disorientation flood me, and I struggled to follow Howie to the steps that led to the stage, where AJ was already waiting. I felt heavy and confused: What the hell was I doing? Why had I allowed Johnny to speak to me like that? Why had Howie allowed him to speak to me like that? I felt this deep punched-in-the-gut feeling crawl in throughout my body.

"It'll be ok," Howie said quietly.

"Yeah," I answered, but I felt numb.

Nick came barrelling through though at that moment, still zipping his fly. "Okay let's go," he bellowed as he shoved by me and onto the stage.

And I wish I could say that I got over it, that Howie was right and it was okay after that, but it really wasn't and I couldn't stop thinking about everything. By the time we got back to the hotel, I felt like I was wound up as tight as a drum, and I opened my bottle of aspirin only to find that they were gone. I threw the empty plastic bottle violently against the wall of the hotel bathroom and lowered myself to sit on the closed bathroom toilet, my heart attempting to thrust its way out of my chest cavity.

Nothing had gone right on this quick Canadian run, nothing. I felt discouraged, frustrated, and kind of betrayed, to be honest. But it had to change, now that we were about to head to Quebec city for the last of the dates before having a teeny tiny bit of time off. It just had to change... didn't it?

I just had to get through this.

Chapter Nine


"I have never felt more thankful for a seat on a plane than I do right now," I groaned out the words as I sank into the window seat on our flight from Quebec City to Los Angeles. We literally hadn't stopped moving since the waking up the morning before. We'd gone from the stage to the van and arrived just in time to catch a TV appearance and a radio appearance, then gone right to rehearsals, meet and greets, and the show, back to the van, to the airport, where I was now practically worshipping the seat I'd landed in.

"I know," AJ said, sitting next to me, "Fucking hell my dogs are barkin'." He was referring to his feet. He took his shoes off and started rubbing them.

"Could your feet smell any worse? Seriously?" Kevin was on the far side of AJ.

Yes, that's right. Howie's greatest nightmare had come true. He was two seats ahead of us with Nick, who, even from two rows away, I could hear chattering away in a tone that I recognized as unstoppable. I almost felt bad for Howie except I also knew that tone meant he was overtired, which meant as soon as the plane took off, he was going to power down and sleep the rest of the flight.

"Oh like your feet smell like roses," AJ snapped.

"They smell better than yours," Kevin replied.

I leaned back against my seat and pulled the little blind down on my window and closed my eyes and I didn't wake up again until we'd landed in Chicago and Kevin was shaking me awake telling me it was time for a layover. "I'm impressed, cuz," he said, smiling, "You slept through the take off and the landing."

I apparently had been wrong about Nick's tone on the flight because he was still chatty as we exited the terminal. Howie beelined away the moment we were on the concourse of O'Hare. "Howie, where ya goin?" Nick called after him, but Howie was determined to escape and looked like he was competing in the next great american race and there was no stopping him. Nick frowned, "Is he pissed at me? Brian, do you think Howie's pissed at me? Why would Howie be pissed at me? Did I say something that would piss Howie off?"

"I think Howie's just tired," I answered.

"I'm tired too, are you tired Brian? That was so crazy all that stuff we've done huh? That's so crazy," he was rambling on as we turned together, walking through O'Hare. Kevin and AJ casually went the opposite direction, too, abandoning me with Chatty Carter. "I feel like we ain't stopped moving since like before New Years, don't you feel like that?" he laughed hyperly, "I mean we haven't stopped working in the whole year. Isn't that funny? Its only been seven days but we haven't stopped working in a whole year. Well seven and a half."

"Yeah."

"Because it's the middle of the night you know so there's a half a day."

"Yes there is," I answered. We were passing a jewelry store. I paused. "C'mon."

"Have you ever thought about how weird time is?" Nick was saying, "Because I was on the plane. If time was water it wouldn't stop flowing. It'd be like a river. A river full of numbers. Wouldn't that be weird? You know, the binary code or whatever it's called? In a computer thingy? And it just runs and flows all over the place like water... Time should be a river..."

I was looking into a case of engagement rings as Nick was rambling, not even noticing what I was doing. There were a bunch of rings, but none of them were right at all, so I turned and walked back out of the store, followed by Nick.

"...which is why I think the Rugrats don't age, you know? It's another whole dimension that cartoons exist in. Like Wiley E. Coyote and them, you know? They can do the same things over and over again and not really age and..."

I had no idea what he was talking about.

We got coffee - "make his decaf," I told the barista after Nick had ordered and bounced away to the counter the drinks came out at - and headed back for the waiting area by the terminal. Kevin, AJ, and Howie were already there. Nick went frolicking off towards them when he spotted them, and Howie had an oh crap look on his face. I walked a little slower than I normally do to give my ear a break. I'm pretty sure Nick hadn't stopped talking the entire 45 minutes we'd walked around.

On the second half of our flight, he finally did crash, sitting next to me again. His head plowed into my shoulder and he was out 'til we reached Los Angeles.

It was midday on January 8th by the time we actually landed on the ground in California and dinner before we got out of the airport and on the road. We went to get food and then headed to the hotel that Lou and Johnny had booked. The next day was AJ's birthday, so we were going to have the day off and I couldn't wait. As we sank into bed that night, I felt a wave of relief wash over me. Nick was right - we hadn't had a day off, really, since Christmas. I thought about it and I had literally either been on a plane or working or both every single day since Christmas Day.

On AJ's birthday, I woke up to find Nick's bed already empty, a note on it saying there was a basket ball hoop across the street and him and AJ were gone to play. I knew he'd left the note hoping I'd wake up and go running over there but honestly I didn't feel like running around a hoop after an orange ball, so I took a shower and went and knocked on Kevin's hotel room door. "Hey," I said, when he opened the door, his hair all messed up from having been asleep, "I figured since we have the day off we could start the ring shopping."

"Sure," Kev nodded, "Let me get dressed. 'Bout fifteen minutes." He disappeared and I went down to the lobby and got a coffee and stood outside watching Nick and AJ across the street playing basket ball. Our whereabouts had somehow gone unknown by fans so I was left unbothered, but I did see a couple paparazzi carrying heavy duty cameras lurking around the outside of the chainlink fence, snapping photos of Nick and AJ.

When Kevin came downstairs, we called a cab from the lobby and climbed in, harassed only a little by paps that took photos of us ducking into the yellow car. Kevin asked the cabbie to take us to the nearest galleria and we were off. I've always thought that was funny, how some people call malls gallerias and some call them malls. The cabbie drove like a maniac through traffic to a point that I had to stop watching where we were going.

Once we'd escaped from the yellow death cab and tossed the driver the money with a small tip because, you know, we'd almost died and all, we headed across the galleria's food court. We stopped and got drinks before we went too far. The high skylight-filled ceiling kept the interior of the mall bright and open feeling, despite the crowdedness. Funny enough, being a Friday morning, this was probably somewhat slow.

"Do you know what kind of ring you wanna get her?" Kevin asked, sipping his Pepsi.

"I'm not sure," I answered. I'd opted for an orange-banana smoothie, which I swished around in my hand as I walked.

"I'm not either," Kevin replied.

We spent the morning ducking in and out of jewelry shops, looking at diamonds and discussing things like cuts and band colors and all sorts of things of that nature. We figured out quickly that we both had expensive taste in rings, though. One of the rings Kevin had looked at had been really cool and he was like, "This might be the one", and then the jeweler had looked up the price quote on it and informed him it was $50,000. Kevin almost choked up a hairball. "What the hell?" he gasped, "That's more than I've made in the last two years."

It was? I thought about it, my mind winding through the last year, doing math quickly. How much had I made in the last two years, since Backstreet had really started taking off? I furrowed my brow. I was coming up with roughly $58,000 in my head. But that's impossible. With all the shows and albums we'd sold? How the hell had we made so little? That's less than $30,000 a year. Which yeah is a lot better than the $5,000 a year I'd made at Long John Silvers in high school, but shouldn't that have been a lot higher? I was obviously forgetting something somewhere. I decided I'd look over my earnings again later and figure it out more accurately.

But yeah, anyways, we were both picking out really expensive rings by accident, and I realized I was going to have to be willing to part with a dangerous amount of money. It was going to drain my savings account that I'd started, hoping to buy a house. Which meant to get Leighanne a house I was going to have to start saving even more to make up for the cost of the ring. I wondered if she'd rather have a fund started toward a house when I proposed or a ring?

Knowing Leighanne she'd be heartbroken without a ring. I mean yes, she'd be happy with the house, but she was one of those girls who had dressed Barbies and Kens in wedding clothes since she was a little girl, who probably dreamed of wedding rings and proposals since she was old enough to know what those things represented. Not giving her a ring would be not fulfilling a dream that a girl only gets to live once. So even if it meant more saving on my part, more work, it was worth it. I wanted everything to be perfect for her, to be everything she'd dreamed since she was eight years old.

When we'd exhausted the mall's jewelry stores, Kevin and I sat down in the food court and ate lunch. He sighed as he gnawed on a teriyaki stick he'd gotten, and I picked at a tuna fish sub. "Well this was unsuccessful and discouraging," Kevin muttered. "I wish I had the money for that one ring, it was perfect. Kris would've loved it." He shook his head and scooped rice into his mouth. I hadn't seen a single one that was worthy of Leighanne. We agreed that we'd go again when we had a day off in West Palm Beach in a couple weeks, and again in New York City if we hadn't found anything by then.

"We should probably find something for AJ," I said, glancing back at the mall.

"Yeah," Kevin agreed.

We went and found AJ a new portable CD player and headphones and a couple CDs that we just tossed into one bag and wrote from both of us. Fans had taken to calling us "KFC" (Kentucky's Finest Cousins), and so that's what we signed the card.

When I got back to the hotel room, Nick was sitting on the end of the bed, playing Donkey Kong on his Super Nintendo. He looked up when I entered the room, and I heard the game make that doodledoo sound as it paused. "Why didn't you come shoot hoops?" he asked, his voice sounded hurt. "Where were you?"

"Kev and I had to go out to the mall," I answered.

Nick frowned. He glanced at the bag I held. "What'cha buy?"

"AJ's birthday present."

"Oh yeah." Nick frowned harder. "I forgot."

I gave him one of the CDs Kevin and I had bought to give to AJ. I figured Kevin wouldn't mind. Nick took it and stared at it. "I don't have anything to wrap it in," he whined.

"A paper bag and silly string," I teased him.

Nick grinned.

An hour later, Nick had massacured the phone book that was in the drawer of the nightstand and used all of a roll of tape, except for the four pieces of tape I'd used to keep the bag Kevin and I had bought closed. It looked like a yellow tinted tape ball in a vaguely CD-shape. Only Nick.

We went downstairs to the lobby when Lou knocked on the door, and we all headed out in a herd to a restaurant AJ had picked out, where the waiters and waitresses came out clapping and singing happy birthday to him. Paparazzi snapped pictures from the tables surrounding us, and a fan came over to ask for autographs and wish AJ happy birthday. The four of us sang Happy Birthday to him, and everyone in the restaurant stopped to listen, then clapped at the end, and AJ opened his presents, and got frustrated by all the tape Nick had used on his.

I told Kevin that Nick had paid me back for the CD, even though he hadn't.

When we got back to the hotel, I saw Nick glance sadly over his shoulder at the basket ball court across the street as he climbed out of the van. He started in toward the lobby. I took a deep breath, "Hey Carter," I said, resisting every nerve in my body that was screaming for me to shut the hell up.

"What?" Nick asked, gloomy.

"Go get your basket ball, I'ma whoop your ass." A grin spread across his face and he bolted to the elevator.

The other guys headed upstairs, Howie patted my back and said I had balls for spending so much time with Nick. I went across the street to wait for Nick at the court. I sat on a bench and stretched, bending forward and twisting side-to-side to loosen my muscles. Unfortunately, none of those things loosened my chest muscles, which was the tightest part of me. I had been hoping that having a day off would loosen them up, but they hadn't.

I'd been through two bottles of aspirin since Christmas, and my chest was constantly tight. Maybe, just maybe, it was time to think about possibly going to get checked, I thought to myself. Like before things got worse or whatever.

Nick came bounding back across the street, ball held aloft, a big grin on his face. He started dribbling the moment he got into the court. "I'm so ready," he announced, "I'm sooo gonna kick your ass tonight!" I watched as he dribbled and threw the ball toward the net, slamming the backboard but missing the net by a mile. The ball rolled away and hit the fence wall. He ran after it, bent forward, his big hinney in the air, feet slamming the pavement, hair hanging wildly off his head.

I stood up and go my game face on.

Nick and I started playing, scurrying around the court, dribbling the ball, haggling over it. He fired several shots that missed the net by miles, and I'd wait, steal the ball from under him, jump up and grab hold of the basket, and slam the ball into the net, holding onto the rim before dropping back to the ground. After showing off like that for a good ten minutes or so - just because it was fun - I started playing to let Nick have a fairer chance of winning. He was biting his tongue in concentration.

I was winning 4-1 when it happened. I was dribbling the ball, and Nick was hunkered down behind me, trying to reach around me to steal it, and I was about to break away from him when the entire world went kinda blurry a little and all I could hear was the boom, boom, boom of the ball striking the pavement and Nick's heavy breathing in my ear, and everything else seemed far off and smudgey, like someone had done a charcoal drawing and rubbed all the elements together in a hazy, in-need-of-prescription-glasses sort of way. I dropped the ball and it rolled and hit the foot of the bench I'd been sitting on. My chest felt tight and I knelt down on the pavement.

"Bri?" Nick's voice was concerned. "Brian, are you okay?"

"I need to go in," I choked.

Nick grabbed my arm and hoisted me up, helping me across the street to the hotel and onto the elevator. Everything still felt blurry and strange. We got in to the room and Nick lowered me onto the edge of the bed, where I closed my eyes and rubbed my chest with the heel of my hand. "What can I do?" Nick asked, his voice scared and eyes wide.

"I have aspirin, on the sink..."

Nick ran in and got the pills, and came back, fumbling with the cap and balancing a cup of water in the fold of his elbow. I took the aspirin and drank the water and stared down at the fibers of the carpet, wishing they'd hold still and stop spinning and blending together in strange patterns. It took a while for the weird feeling to pass, and when it did I was so freaking exhausted I couldn't have moved if I'd wanted to. I laid back onto the bed without even undoing the blankets or nothing, still absently rubbing my chest.

"Did you have like a heart attack or something?" Nick asked, hovering.

"No I'm fine, it was just a - a weird feeling," I answered.

"Maybe you should get checked," Nick suggested.

I shook my head, "I'm fine," I replied.

"Okay." Nick sank into his own bed, and silence fell over the room.

I wondered what a heart attack felt like. If that was anything like it, then I never wanted to have one ever. What a terrible way to die, I thought, in a blurry world like that. I stared at the ceiling. I really did need to see a doctor, Nick was right, and I'd thought it at the court before this all had happened, too. I knew what I had to do, but I really didn't want to do it. I didn't have time to see any doctors anyways.

I decided I'd talk to Lou the next day about getting one of the next couple of afternoons off from rehearsals so I could go to get checked.

"I left my ball outside," Nick muttered into the dark.

"We can go get it in the morning," I suggested.

Nick was quiet for a long moment. "Nawh," he said, "It's not like we'll ever use it again."

Chapter Ten


I spent the next two days in a blur of aspirin, work, and concerned glances from Nick, who really hadn't gone back for his ball the next morning. It made me sad to picture it, laying over in the court all alone, resting against the fence and wondering what it'd done wrong to be cut out of Nick's life so abruptly. On our way out to the van, I looked over at the court and saw the ball wasn't there. Someone had taken it, maybe a fan or a kid who needed it more than we did. I don't know.

"You can't tell them," I said to Nick, pulling him aside in the hallway at our TV appearance. We were alone but we could hear the fellas all talking just behind the door we were outside of, in the green room.

"What?" Nick looked at me, confused.

"Kevin, Howie, and AJ," I said, "You can't tell them about the thing that happened at the basket ball court last night."

"Why?" Nick asked, confusion on his face.

"Because," I answered, "Please, just don't. Not yet. I'll tell everyone when I'm ready to tell them."

He frowned, "But what if they ask?"

"They're not gonna ask unless you bring it up," I said.

Nick sighed, "But --"

"Nick," I said, "Please. This is important to me."

He stared at me, defiance in his face at first, and then it melted away, a caved-in sort of expression entered his eyes. "Fine," he said, "I won't tell them."

Nick had been strangely silent since then, his usual hyperactivity had ceased. He kind of pulled away from me, and started hanging out with AJ more the next couple of days, coming back to our hotel room later and later, several times drunk, and falling into bed without saying much to me. He didn't bug me about playing basket ball - we didn't have a ball, so how could we? - or anything else for that matter. He just came and went, almost wraithlike in his stoic silence, and did things like study his food thoughout dinner, avoiding eye contact with the guys. I felt bad, making Nick carry the weight of a secret like that (I knew very well that was why he was so damn quiet), but I wanted to be the one to talk to Lou, and I wanted to talk to Lou before the rumor of what had happened had spread through our entire entourage.

But it was taking longer than I thought it would for me to talk to Lou.

The problem was that ever since that morning in Montreal, when Lou had yelled at us, I had been slowly but surely feeling more and more afraid of him. And I don't know why. I mean he was the same old Lou he'd always been, cracking jokes at the dinner table and making us roll our eyes behind his back as he hurried us along to the next appearance...

Lou had been our father away from home, the guy we turned to when we had problems. He'd settled arguments among us and fed us and nutured us along our way on the path to fame. He'd been the one to stand by and keep all of us grounded as it all took off underneath us, as the world started living and breathing Backstreet and our worlds exploded into this unnatural mess. He was there for us every step of the way, reassuring us. He was like a lighthouse in the storm, or so it had seemed, because whenever we were in trouble, Lou had found a way to make it okay again. Every time. If we had a bad publicity moment, he'd iron it out or spin it. If we had a fight between us, he found a way to solve the argument and settle us all down so we were friends again. When our song was accepted onto the radio, he celebrated with us. When the album when platinum, he cheered us on. When we played out first gig on stage, Lou was front row, watching, tears in his eyes as we performed. He'd been there, and we'd trusted him and loved him like he was one of us, accepted him as one of us.

It was a strange feeling... questioning someone you'd loved and trusted for five years... and yet I was noticing things about him, things that made questions I shouldn't have been asking pop into my mind. Like why did Nick shrug away when Lou put a hand on his shoulder in the elevator on the way to a radio interview with a disgusted look on his face? Why did the good old, trustworthy, loving Lou curse out the driver who had done everything he could to get us to a TV recording on time, but th traffic had just been too thick to slice? Why did I feel a thick bile in my throat every time I stood outside his hotel room, hand raised to knock, when I thought of myself asking for time off for a doctor's appointment? Why did I doubt that Lou would allow me that? Why did I feel myself wondering if Lou wasn't the sixth Backstreet Boy, but rather a dictator, ruling our lives with an iron fist?

And the longer I waited, the more nervous I felt about talking to him, and the more I wanted to put it off.

By January 13th, I was downright petrified.

We were at the launch party for Teen People Magazine at the Planet Hollywood restaurant in Beverly Hills, and we were dressed in these really nice dark, jewel colored suits and the press were taking all these pictures of us. We were supposed to be celebrating, but Nick's jaw was set in a way that he only did just before he broke down, and I was trying to avoid eye contact with the guys because I was keeping secrets from them, and I felt guilty for that. But we were all smiles in those photographs, all five of us pretending that things were okay.

The editor in chief of Teen People talked at the podium in the front of the room, and we listened, though I can't tell you what was said at all, and I sipped the champagne that I'd been given by a waiter passing by. AJ had knicked a glass as well and had it held under the table at his hip, a secret of his own. I stared at the glass, and I realized what a fucked up mess we were all in. AJ drinking almost constantly, me having near heart attacks on basketball courts... and I'm sure the other guys had their shit, too. Like Nick. I glanced at Nick, and he looked away from me as the room erupted in applause as the editor's speech came to a close.

Nick and AJ jumped up almost immediately to go mingle about in the crowd that was shuffling from table to table, introuducing each other to others, and Kevin excused himself to go speak to some actress he'd spotted across the room. Howie glanced at me across the table. "You okay? You're quiet."

"I'm fine," I replied, staring at my champange.

"Okay then," Howie said, tentatively standing up. "You want to come with me, or...?"

"I'm fine here," I replied quietly. Howie ducked away and disappeared in the mass of partygoers, and I sat and allowed my thoughts to sort of melt over me. I took a deep breath.

"You should be networking," Lou said, coming up behind me.

A band was playing now, some punk-rock sounding band that was up-and-coming. I looked up at Lou as he lowered into the seat next to me, where Nick had been sitting, and he picked at the food Nick had left behind on the plate there, pushing a piece of the bread into his mouth and chewing it slowly, studying me. I bit my lip, looked down at my hands in my lap, gathering courage, and then I looked up at him, right into his eyes. "Lou," I said, "I need to talk to you about our schedule."

"Yes?" he asked, breaking off another piece of bread.

"I need an afternoon," I said, "Soon. I need to see a doctor."

Lou's eyebrow furrowed, "Why?"

"My heart," I replied. "I was playing basket ball with Nick, and I --"

"No, I meant why do you need an afternoon off when you have almost two full weeks off next month?" Lou asked.

I blinked. I didn't know how to respond. He wanted me to wait until next month to get my heart checked?

"Why should I rearrange the perfectly coordinated schedule that I have worked so hard on putting together, for something as flexible as a doctor's appointment?" he continued, "You haven't made the appointment yet, have you?"

I shook my head.

"Good. Then there is nothing keeping you from scheduling it during your time off, is there?"

I shook my head again.

Lou nodded, satisfied. "I'm glad that's taken care of, then." He stared at me contemplatively as he popped the last of the bread into his mouth. He reached over, took my champange glass and drained it, replaced the glass to the table, and patted my knee, smiling with wide, toadlike lips. "You're a good kid, Brian," he said, and his voice somehow sounded different to me, the way someone sounds different after they've shattered your image of them. He stood up. "You really ought to network, there's some great industry guys here tonight." And with that, he walked away.

I stared at the spot he'd just been in, dumbfounded, scarcely able to breathe. What in the hell just happened? I wondered. It was like being struck by lightening, the speed with which the world as I knew it had started to crumble.

Almost as soon as Lou was gone, Nick dropped into his seat, staring at me with concerned eyes. "Brian?" he asked.

"Yeah?"

The music was booming all around us, loud and quick and immature, but the look on Nick's face was somber. "Why did Lou just touch your leg?" he asked.

I blinked, trying to wrap my mind around his question, it was such an odd one. "I dunno," I responded. He'd patted my knee because I was a good kid, because I was willing to ignore my body's need to be seen by a doctor for his perfectly coordinated schedule. Because I'd complied with the way he wanted things to be without pitching a fit, because instead of arguing, I'd just given in.

The expression on Nick's face was unreadable, his eyes were stoney and the coldest, darkest shade of blue I'd ever seen them look. His jaw shifted back, then forward, set, and he shook his head. "He can't handle it," he muttered, "Losing control."

"What?" I asked, genuinely confused. "Losing control of what?" As far as I was concerned, Lou had all the control.

Nick shook his head, "Forget it...never mind. God, I need to get wasted. Where's AJ...?" he stood up and disappeared into the crowded room again, and I sat there feeling ridiculously abandoned by my best friend.

I did mingle a bit, met a few people, but I don't remember any of their names. They were just faces in a blur of thoughts. I felt overwhelmed, and I just wanted to go back to the hotel and find out that I'd dreamt the whole night. I shook hand after hand, forgetting every person seconds after I'd met them. The entire room felt like it was spinning beneath my feet, like that eerie, unstable feeling of an earthquake.

When it was time to head back to the hotel, Johnny came to get me, grabbing me by my elbow, and we walked through the crowded room toward the exit, collecting Howie and Kevin on the way. When we got to the van, Lou was pacing beside it on the sidewalk.

"Did you see AJ and Nick anywhere?" he demanded from Johnny the moment we got close enough.

Johnny shook his head, "I thought you had them?"

Lou cursed, "No," he answered. He looked back at the party.

"Well I didn't see them," Johnny said.

"They're probably off somewhere getting into God knows what..." Lou rubbed the back of his head. He stormed off, back to the party and Johnny got in the van and gave the driver directions back to the hotel.

"Wait - we- we're not waiting for them?" I asked, concerned.

"Lou'll take care of them," Johnny replied.

The van moved through LA traffic back to the hotel and I stared out at the lights as we moved and thought about everything that'd happened. I turned to look at Johnny. He was on the phone, and I glanced back at Kevin and Howie, who sat in the seat behind me and Johnny but felt a thousand miles away.

Back at the hotel, I went up to the room and sat on the bed and waited for Nick to get back. For the first hour, I just sat there absently watching TV. I started getting worried by the second hour, and I got up and looked out the window at the city lights far below, then sat on the bed and pulled my duffle bag onto the mattress beside me. I dug through it to find my checkbook and a notebook and started doing math.

It was four hours after I'd gotten back to the hotel and I'd arrived at a bottom line and was staring at the figure on the page, when the door opened and Nick came in. His hair was messed up and his eyes were blurry. He snuck by me to his bed, where he crawled under the blankets in his jewel tone suit, shoes and all, and pulled the covers back up to his chin, so all I could see was the very top of the back of his head, pressing into the pillow.

"Nick," I said, "Where were you guys?"

He didn't answer.

I pushed the notebook away and stood up, went over to the far side of Nick's bed, and knelt to look at him. He turned his head so he wasn't looking at me. "Nick?"

"Leave me alone," he said, his eyes filled with tears, turned skyward.

"What's wrong?"

He looked at me, "Just leave me alone."

I sighed and stood up and went back to my own bed, resigning to Nick's insistence. There was no use trying to talk to him when he didn't want to be talked to. No use at all. So I sat down and stared down at the circled bottom line of my mathematics: $59,750. In two years' time. A quick calculation on the side had revealed that, based on the past week's schedule, we were working about 100 hours a week - approximately 10,400 hours in total - which equaled out to only a little more than five dollars an hour.

Five dollars an hour.

We were making minimum wage.

Chapter Eleven


We had a flight early the next morning and Lou was banging on our hotel room door at five reminding us that we were leaving in thirty minutes. "Are you okay?" I asked Nick as we packed, but he didn't answer. I sighed. "Nick, I understand why you're mad at me, I --"

"I'm not mad at you," he snapped. "I'm mad at me."

"Why are you mad at you?" I asked.

Nick scowled.

"Nick, c'mon, you can talk to me," I said. "You know you can talk to me, don't you?"

"I used to think so," he answered hotly, "But right now I'm not so sure."

"What?" I asked, "How can you not be sure of that?"

Nick's eyes were sad, "Brian, you don't even know anything okay? So just forget it. Just forget about all of it, all right?" He threw his backpack on his shoulders.

"Nick, what's the matter?"

"I said forget it." He glanced at the clock, "And besides, we're late. Let's go before the fat bastard comes screaming at us again." He shoved his way out the door and into the hallway, dragging his rolling suitcase behind him.

I shouldered my dufflebag as well and followed him into the hallway. "You didn't tell the fellas, did you?" I asked.

Nick shook his head.

"Then what?" I asked. Behind me, I heard doors opening. Kevin, Howie, and AJ's voices all echoed off the walls of the hallway, coming closer towards Nick and I where we stood by the elevator doors with our bags.

"Nothing," he answered.

We were whisked away to LAX and boarded a flight to North Carolina. Nick was supposed to sit between me and Lou, but he switched seats with Howie to sit between AJ and Kevin across the plane. I stared at the back of his head for a bit trying to figure out what I'd done to upset him, but I was tired again (Again? Still.) and I soon fell asleep.

In North Carolina, we were waiting for Lou and Johnny to check us into the hotel in Charlotte, gathered in the lobby, tired and quiet. Johnny came over to us with the room keys and started handing them out to us. I blinked in confusion at the number on my key, and the different number on Nick's.

I nudged Nick, "Wait, who are you rooming with?"

He looked. "Uh... AJ," Nick replied.

"What about me?" I looked around, confused.

"Looks like I'm in the single," Howie answered, triumphantly.

I looked at Kevin in confusion, but he looked just as confused as I felt. Nick and I had been in the same room for over a year, every time we stayed at hotels. We were Frick and Frack, that's just how it worked, that's how I had begun to believe it would always work. "What's going on with the rooms, Johnny?" I asked.

"Don't shoot the messanger, I didn't reassign you," he answered flatly.

We all glanced toward Lou, who was finishing up the paperwork across the lobby. After he'd signed the last of the pages, he waddled his way over to us, hauling his bags. "Okay, let's head up. We only have a couple minutes before we need to get to the rehearsal..."

"What's with the room assignments?" Kevin asked Lou, but he huffed away without answering, boarding the elevator. We followed and on the way up to our floor, Kevin reasked his question. "Lou, it looks like our keys got mixed up, AJ and Nick are together and I'm with Brian and --"

"I know," Lou replied.

Kevin glanced at me, licking his lips in frustration, then turned back to Lou, "Why?" he asked.

"After last night, I need to keep an eye on these two," Lou responded, twisting his thumb at Nick and AJ.

Nick looked at the floor and Kevin nodded, accepting Lou's reply this time. It made me wonder what Kevin knew.

Lou looked up at the blinking numbers over the elevator door and nobody asked any further questions. The door dinged open and he shoved his way out first. "Remember we gotta be leaving in fifteen minutes and no later, so don't get comfortable." Lou opened his hotel room door and disappeared inside.

"Don't be such a sore loser of the single," Howie said, grinning as he frolicked forward to his private room.

Kevin scowled and led the way to our door. I watched sadly as Nick hustled in behind AJ to their room, right next door to Lou's. I wondered what had brought this on, what they'd been up to last night in Los Angeles that had caused Lou to reorganize us and keep a closer eye on Nick and AJ than he needed to keep on me and Nick. As Frick and Frack, after all, we were supposed to be the trouble making team, not Nick and AJ. They were just Bone and Frack. That's not even a thing.

In our room, Kevin went straight for the bed closest to the window as though he was worried about having to argue about who got which. Clearly he'd forgotten I was used to rooming with Nick, who always had to pick first because he had this weird thing about sides of the hotel, where if he felt like we were on the left of the door he slept closer to the window and on the right then he slept closer to the wall (I have no idea, don't ask me, it was just something he did and he did it consistently, so I always just let him pick first because it just really never made sense at all to me). Kevin stood there and stared at me as I put my duffle bag down on the bed. I sat on the edge of the bed and sighed, staring at my feet.

"So what happened last night?" I asked.

"They got into a lot of trouble last night," Kevin said, his voice low, hesitant.

I stared at him, waiting for him to continue.

He rubbed his forehead, looking down, eyes closed, frustrated. "They had a ton of champagne... they kept knicking them off tables and whatever so nobody was keeping track of how many they'd had to cut them off. When Lou found them, they were with a bunch of guys in a VIP booth upstairs, doing lines of coke."

"They did co--"

"No," Kevin shook his head, cutting off my panic. "They were going to, but Lou found them."

I couldn't picture Nick agreeing to do drugs. He knew better than that, I knew he knew better than that. My throat seemed to swell as I thought about what could've happened if Lou hadn't have found them and brought them back to the hotel. They could've been killed, the both of them. I felt a tear run down my cheek and guilt settled over me. I felt bad for having asked Nick to keep my secret and I wished above all that I could just rewind everything, and not ask him to play basket ball that night. I mean sure it made him happy at the time but what happened was ruining everything.

As I sat there feeling horrible, Kevin was finishing up getting ready, changing his shirt and running a comb through his hair, the whole nine yards. He stood leaning against the wall between the bathroom and the main room, after having finished brushing his teeth, had his wallet out and was going through it. "You ready to head down?" he asked, glancing at his watch as he refolded his wallet and stuck it into his pocket, "It's almost been the fifteen minutes."

"Kev," I said, "I wanna talk to you about something. See, I -- I did some math last night..."

"Yeah?"

"You realize that we've only made $59,750 each in the last two years?" I said.

Kevin leaned against the wall. "Seriously?" he asked. "What's that work out to by the hour?" His forehead wrinkled as he started doing the math out.

"Five seventy-five, give or take," I answered.

"Wait, what? But minimum wage is five-fifteen," he said, his brow stitching together.

"Yeah," I answered, "I know. That's what I was making at Long John Silver's back home."

Kevin stared at me for a long moment. "Are you sure you did the math right? Didn't forget anything?"

I shook my head.

He frowned. "That can't be right," he argued.

"Kev, I'll show you the balance sheet I did up, but I'm really good at math and I know it's right." I shook my head, "It's not fair, but it's right."

He contemplated for a long moment. "I'll ask Lou if I can see our books," he said.

I stared at my hands, "Also... about Lou..." I started, but a knock on the door interrupted me. Kevin turned around and opened the hotel room door.

"You two coming or what?" It was Johnny.

"Yeah we're coming," Kevin answered. "Cuz, let's go."

I grabbed the bottle of aspirin from my bag and shoved it into my pocket and followed Kevin out the door into the hallway.

At the venue, the stage was still being set up, but we managed to squeak in some choroegraphy on the floor before heading off to do a meet and greet with a radio station's contest winners and wardrobe. At dinner, I sat next to Nick wanting so badly to talk to him, to ask him what he'd been thinking, but I didn't get the chance. We were whisked back to the venue right after and onto the stage for the show, and that night at the hotel Nick and AJ hustled into their room before I could pull Nick aside. I was going to head over and knock on the door, but Kevin pulled me into our own room and got his checkbook out of his bags and we went over the balances again using both our records to confirm the amount I was coming up with was correct. And it was.

Kevin sighed and rubbed the back of his neck as he paced across the length of the hotel room, shaking his head. "How in the hell are we just making minimum wage?" he muttered, "That can't be right, can it? it can't be the norm. Singers don't make minimum wage... Even if we were only being paid minimum on the actual per hour work, where's our royalties for the CDs and tickets and video tapes that we're selling, where's the contract bonuses..." he gnawed his lower lip. "It doesn't make sense."

"I know," I agreed.

The next morning, bright and early at six o'clock, Kevin was down the hall, whaling on Lou's hotel room door. Lou opened it a crack and peered out at us. "Yes?" he asked.

"We were hoping to talk to you," Kevin said, "About our contract?"

Lou glanced over his shoulder into the room. "Look right now isn't a good time."

"When will be a good time?" Kevin asked.

"I don't know, just not right now," Lou replied, and he closed the hotel room door in our faces.

Kevin looked at me, his eyebrow raised. I shrugged. We headed back to our hotel room. Kevin looked deep in thought across the room, and I laid back across my bed, staring up at the ceiling. "He's just busy," Kevin said.

"Yeah," I answered.

He sat on the edge of his bed. "What's going on," he said, "Seriously, with you and Nick and Lou?"

"I don't know, really," I answered.

"Well you two seem really against him lately, and I'm just trying to figure out what's up," Kevin answered.

I couldn't very well tell Kevin about the conflict with Lou's perfectly coordinated schedule and my doctor's appointment without telling him about my need for a doctor's appointment, which would lead into what happened on the basket ball court, and probably to a phone call to my mother, which I didn't want happening. She'd only worry pointlessly and there was nothing to worry about. I probably just needed a change in my meds or something.

So I lied to Kevin.

"He's just been crankier than usual I guess," I replied.

Kevin sighed, "We've all been crankier. It's been a rough couple weeks."

"Yeah," I answered. I couldn't help but add on, silently, that it was only gonna get worse.

The next day we were playing in Atlanta, Georgia, which is probably one of my favorite cities that I've never lived in, though I'd only been there a few times. It was on the flight to Atlanta that it occurred to me that Leighanne's parents lived somewhere near by, and I realized I was forgetting an important step in the whole process of getting engaged to Leighanne. Her father's approval.

When we got to the hotel and I was once again paired with Kevin in the rooms, I pulled the phone book out of the night stand and started flipping through it during a forty-minute break we had before heading to rehearsals. My finger scanned the book until I'd found her step-father's name and the address right next to it. I got up. "I'll be right back," I said.

Kevin looked up from the book he was reading. "Where are you going?"

"I just wanna go see Leighanne's step-father," I replied. "I should be back before we gotta go, I think, but if I'm not, I'll go to the venue and see you there."

Kevin raised an eyebrow. "Lou's gonna skin you alive," he said, shaking his head. But he turned back to his book and didn't say anything more, which I took as his permission to go.

I didn't start freaking out about the idea of what I was doing until I was already in a cab on the way to the address that had been given in the book. I felt ridiculous all of a sudden. And why wouldn't I? I hadn't met Leighanne's parents at all before and now here I was about to drop in on them. I only vaguely knew their names. But it was too late to turn back, and so when the cab rolled to a stop in front of a very normal-looking suburban looking home, I gave the guy my fare and started up the walkway, my palms sweating.

When I knocked on the front door, a woman who looked remarkably similar to Leighanne - just older - answered and stared at me for several long moments before she smiled and said, "Brian. Come in, doll."

I stepped inside.

"Jaa-aack," she called into the house, "Jack, we have company! And not just any company!" she added.

"Shirley, you don't have to go yelling all over the house," came a man's voice, and just as suddenly as his answer had come, he came stepping into the foyer where we were standing. He noticed me and he stood up straighter. He had a golf club in one hand and a cap pulled down over his forehead. He struck out his hand, "You're the Backstreet Boy that's dating our little girl," he said simply.

I nodded, "Yes sir, I am," I replied.

He eyed me a moment distrustfully.

"I'm here to introduce myself," I said, "And also to speak to you about your daughter," I added.

Leighanne's mother's eyes widened. "You want to talk about my daughter?" she gasped. She fanned her face with her palms. "He wants to talk about our little girl," she informed Jack, her eye welling up.

"...if that's okay," I said, "Sir."

He studied me for a moment. "Jack," he said, "You can call me Jack." He looked me head to toe. "You play golf at all, Brian?" he asked.

"Yes sir -- Jack," I stammered, "Yes, I do."

"Well then." Jack nodded toward the room he'd come from, "Shirley, could we get some sweet tea on the back patio? And while you get that all readied up I'll be showing Brian how to drive like a man."

Shirley grinned and bolted off.

Jack smiled at me, "You ain't never had no sweet tea like Shirley makes." And he patted me on the back. "Come show me your golf swing," he said, pulling me through a parlor toward a couple of large sliding glass doors that seemed to lead to the back yard.

I glanced at my watch, "I only have a couple minutes, then I gotta head back. I've got a show tonight, and I really can't be late for rehearsal --"

But Jack was already balacing the ball on the tee, a happy expression on his face. And a happy expression was exactly what I needed to get my way after all... And hell, I had a few minutes to spare anyhow, didn't I? Might as well use them...

Chapter Twelve


The rehearsal was over, the meet and greet was halfway finished... I snuck through the underbelly of the stage towards the wardrobe room, glancing out at where the other four guys were standing, taking photos with the fans. Johnny was out there with them, so I assumed Lou was too, and moved a little more quickly toward the dressing room. Over two hours, I thought to myself, incredulous. How had my extra couple of minutes with Leighanne's parents turned into over two hours? I wasn't sure. Jack had been right, though, Shirley's sweet tea was amazing, and she'd laughed and said she'd give Leighanne the recipe for it when I told her I thought so.

It'd been a lot of fun, bonding with Leighanne's parents and I'd received Jack's blessing to ask Leighanne, which was the most important part. Shirley had been disappointed I didn't already have a ring, though. "You'll have to bring my baby up to visit right after," she made me promise, "So I can see the ring you pick out for her."

Assuming Lou didn't kill me before I could find one and give it to her, yes, yes I would bring her there. But as I inched through the backstage area in the arena, I felt anything but confident about that.

Especially when I was so busy thinking that I actually walked right into Lou.

He caught me, stabilized me before I fell to my ass on the concrete floor, and stared at me long and hard. "Where in the hell have you been?" he demanded of me, folding his thick, porky arms over his chest.

I stammered, "I was just running late, I'm sorry."

Lou laughed. He actually laughed. "Running late," he shook his head and started to turn away. For a split second, I thought that was the end of it, that he really didn't care, that maybe I'd been wrong about all the thoughts I'd been having, when he suddenly turned back, his face and neck a dark purplish-red color as he flushed. "Do you know how much you running late upsets this schedule? Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep things running smoothly when a very important part of this little quintent isn't here? Do you have any idea how much money you being late could cost?"

I felt fury burn up in my stomach and before I could stop myself, I bellowed back, "No actually Lou I don't know how much money my being late could cost! And why is that? Because I don't seem to know a damned thing about the financial situation we're all in. But don't worry Lou, I'm onto it now and I do plan to find out exactly how much it does cost for me to be late." I shoved around him and into the wardrobe room.

He followed me, catching the door before I could slam it behind me. "You're being ridiculous," he snarled, coming into the room, too.

"I'm not the one paying internationally recognized popstars minimum wage," I retorted.

"WHO MADE YOU POPSTARS?" he bellowed.

I backed down. He seemed to grow taller. I had my back against the wall staring up at him and I looked away. Lou got right in my face, "None of you would be anything if it wasn't for me, so don't go being cocky or you'll find yourself quite without a job."

I nodded.

Lou turned and stormed away, slamming the door so hard that the wall shook behind me. I swallowd and stood there in the heavy silence that followed, my stomach turning. My entire body felt like jello or damp clay. My knees shook slightly, so I sank to the floor, sitting on the cold concrete. I ran my hands over my head to the back of my neck, rested my elbows on my knees, bet to my chest, and I stared down at my sneakers.

I was still like that when AJ came in the room a moment later. He glanced over at me, "Dude where the fuck've you been?" he demanded.

"Busy," I grunted.

He was shoving gel or something into the nest of tight curls that covered the top of his head. He stared at himself in the mirror and slid sunglasss over his eyes. He turned back to me. "Busy?" he laughed, "Don't talk to me about busy, we were actually working over here while you were off doin' whatever you were doin'." He took the sunglasses back off, breathed on the lenses, and wiped them with the hem of his shirt. Then he put them back on.

He looked ridiculous. He had a ridiculous outfit on, he had sunglasses on in a dark dressing room, and his hair was the same shape as the end of a Q-tip. "Don't you dare speak condescending to me when you're the one dragging Nick into the same black hole you're falling into," I snapped.

AJ reeled, looking surprised, "What the fuck are you talking about?" he asked.

"You and Nick the other night, after the Teen People party. I heard all about what went down from Kevin," I answered, "You two with the coke junkies. What're you, stupid? Doing drugs? You I almost half understand but why do you gotta bring down a perfectly good kid like Nick ---"

AJ rolled his eyes, "Oh so it's my fault, it's always gotta be my fault."

"Why wouldn't it be? Like Nick would go off with drug dealers on his own. He's a good kid. You might think that you have a dark and messed up life but Nick's not like that, okay?"

AJ exploded, "Fuck you saying anything about my life - or his life for that matter. You don't know what it's like for me. You grew up with a mother-fucking-family! You know what it's like to be a normal kid who plays ball with his father on the weekends. Don't you talk to me about my dark and messed up life like you think I should be able to buck up and handle it. Don't you dare."

I started to repsond, started to argue about the fact that actually I did not know a thing about playing ball with my father because my father was too afraid to break me because I had a malfunctioning heart, but AJ spoke again before I could start the sentence --

"And you don't fucking have a clue what Nick's going through," AJ added. "So don't you are judge me for understanding him and doing what I know how to do to help him. Maybe if you weren't being such a self-absorbed prick these days you'd see something's bothering him and maybe, just maybe, if you could stop thinking about Leighanne for longer than a nano second you'd actually give a shit and help him your way because that's what he fucking needs."

"It's not being selfish to have a girlfriend," I snapped. "You supposedly have one."

"Yeah well I don't ignore my friends when she's around."

"That's possibly because she's imaginary, but okay."

"She isn't imaginary."

"Then she's a real great influence on you. You drink every chance you get. You drink too much."

"That's my business."

"And what I do with my girlfriend is mine."

"Yeah but when you ignore Nick, it's all of our business," AJ replied.

"I don't ignore Nick!" I shouted.

"Alls I'm saying," AJ said, ignoring my outcry, "Is that you're throwing away a really good thing. You guys are Frick and Frack for fuck's sakes," he shook his head. And with that AJ grabbed the door, struggled with the knob a moment, and slammed it open. "We're getting ready to go to dinner," he snarled, "So get your ass out here unless you're too busy."

"Maybe I am too busy," I retorted.

"Fine, don't eat, I don't give a fuck." AJ closed the door behind him.

I sank my head back down and stared at my shoes again in the resounding slience after AJ had left. Two fights in ten minutes' time. I really wished I'd stayed at Leighanne's parents' house.

The rest of the afternoon and evening went pretty much the same way for me. One bad thing after another. The guy came back from dinner cranky and irritable, and Lou was bellowing everything all night. The show went okay I guess. The fans were high spirited but there was that certain magic that happens when the five of us are all getting along that was missing and Nick fell off the stage at one point and had to get pulled back up. The look on his face made me wonder if there wasn't something more going on, like AJ had said during our fight, but I didn't have time to talk to him, obviously, since we were on stage and everything, and he disappeared with AJ right after.

"Where are they?" Lou bellowed, looking around for AJ and Nick once we'd all realized they'd taken off. It was extra bad that they were missing this time because we were supposed to be on a tour bus in less than an hour, heading to Kentucky.

Kevin sighed heavily as Lou pounded away, seaching, and turned to me. "They better not be doing any stupid shit," he commented.

They still hadn't showed up when the tour bus had arrived and Kevin was pacing the length of it nervously. Howie and I were in our bunks, and Howie was sound asleep. I lay staring at the inside of the curtain on mine and thinking about the next day, all the appointments we had and everything.

I'd given my parents tickets to the show, and they'd wanted to spend the day together since I never got up that way anymore, but I'd had to explain to them that I had no extra time. Once again my mother had a hard time understanding that when I said I had no extra time I meant that I had no extra time. "Can't you just ask for the day off?" she'd asked me, "I'm sure Mr. Pearlman will understand it's because of family." But oh if she could only have seen the conversation I'd had with him about the doctor's she would've plotzed. I wondered if I'd even get to see them much, other than a fleeting glance in their direction in the audience during the show.

"What in the hell have you done?" Kevin's voice rang clear across the bus, breaking into my reverie. I peered out the curtain, but I couldn't see anything other than three shadowy figures at the far end of the bus. "Your mother's going to kill you and I don't at all blame her."

"It looks so cool though," Nick hiccuped.

"Not to mention what Lou is gonna do to you," Kevin snapped.

"Fuck Lou," AJ's voice was raspy from drinking but not quite drunk, like Nick's was. "That's right, I said it." AJ laughed, "Fuck Lou and his high horse. I legally got this and honestly it doesn't matter even if I didn't, our bodies do not belong to Lou. Ain't that right Nick?"

"Yes," Nick slurred, "That is right, so right, so right."

"Go to bed," Kevin's voice was stern, and there was a lot of shuffling and clambouring and a couple minutes later I heard Nick in the bunk above me, settling in. He shifted and rolled and finally stayed still, sighing into his pillow.

I reached up and touched the roof of my bunk. "Night Nick," I whispered. Then I rolled over and fell asleep, staring out the itty bitty window as the bus backed up and started to roll away from the venue.

I woke up the next morning to the familiar smell of Kentucky and the sound of Howie laughing. I rolled over and pulled the bunk curtain open. Howie was sitting at the little breakfast nook thingy a couple feet away. I rolled out of the bunk and padded barefoot towards him. "What's so fu--" then I saw him.

Nick was face-down, asleep in a bowl of what looked like Fruit Loops, his nose only just barely out of the milk. A purple loop floated on the breeze of his breath like a sailboat on a windy bay.

I crossed my arms and leaned against the counter. "How long's he been like that?" I asked. I reached for an apple from the counter where a bowl of them sat.

Howie shook his head, amusement clear on his face, "I have no idea," he snorted, "Not even a clue. I just got up and came out and found him here like this." He grinned up at me, "It's payback for all those times with the Sharpies on the vans."

I crunched into my apple and stared at Nick's cereal-bowl face, shaking my head.

He was still asleep in the Fruit Loops when the bus door opened and Kevin got on board. He stood at the top of the steps leading into the bus for a moment. "What are you chuckleheads doing?" he asked. I pointed at Nick and he looked down. "What in the --" he stepped forward, watched as the purple loop continued it's milky sailing expedition, then reached down and splashed Nick's face with a little of the milk in the bowl.

Nick's eyes blinked open slowly and he lifted his face out of the cereal, milk dripping off his cheek, chin, and nose. An orange loop stuck to his left eyelid. He blinked it off. He looked over at us, then down at the cereal bowl, then back up at us. He bit his lip. "I really wanna make a joke about being a cereal killer but I'm not sure how."

"Long night much?" Howie asked.

Nick thought about it a moment. "I guess so."

"So what did happen last night?" I asked, looking between Nick and Kevin. Nick looked up at Kevin.

"Well let's see," said Kevin slowly, "You," he waved a hand at me, "Show up late to the rehearsal, so AJ and this one," he waved a hand at Nick, "decided that if you could do it, so could they, so they took off after the show to be late for the bus departure. They drank an entire bottle of Jack, which they appear to have stolen from Lou's hotel room, and then proceeded to go and get tattoos."

"I didn't get a tattoo," Nick spoke up.

"Okay correction, AJ got a tattoo. Nick just stood there watching." Kevin sighed and ran his hand through his hair.

Nick stared at his bowl, then reached down and plucked one of the loops out and stuck it in his mouth. Kevin reached down and took the bowl and threw it into the sink. "Hey!" Nick snapped, "I'm not done with that yet."

Kevin leaned down. "Nick, so help me God, I get it that you're like going through like puberty or something right now --"

"I hit puberty like forever ago!" Nick objected.

"--and it's really hard on you with all these crazy ass hormones and all the work we've been doing --"

"My balls dropped like years ago you bastard," Nick snapped.

"-- but to go gallavanting off with AJ, when he's been in such a bad space lately--"

"Why do you always treat me like I'm a kid?"

"-- is so immature --"

"I'M NOT A LITTLE KID ANYMORE! AND NONE OF YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO TALK TO ME LIKE I AM!"

"You are a kid Nick, that's what I'm saying!" Kevin bellowed.

"I AM NOT! And you can't make me do things you want me to do that I don't wanna - that includes you, and Johnny, and Lou, and- and- and you," Nick stabbed a finger my direction.

"Me?" I asked, "What'd I make you do that you didn't wanna do?"

Nick looked at Kevin. "Brian had a heart attack on the basket ball court in California last week and he didn't tell nobody." He turned back to me, "That."

Silence fell on the bus between us. Howie stood up. "Well then." He walked quickly to the bathroom and closed the door, obviously uninterested in getting involved.

"I didn't have a heart attack," I said through gritted teeth.

Kevin was looking at me in disbelief.

"My chest was tight, that's all."

Nick was glowering at me, "You've been taking those pills like they're candy and rubbing your chest and being all double-oh-seven about it..."

"Seriously?" Kevin looked concernedly at me.

"No," I lied. "He's just trying to get out of trouble by making you focus on me," I said, pointing at Nick.

"Nick --"

"Oh sure because if Brian says it's not true then clearly I'm the liar," Nick yelled. "'Cos Brian's the grown up, right? Because Brian's so much smarter than me and so much more reliable than me, because when I say stuff nobody fucking listens." He stood up. He looked at me, "Maybe your chest hurts cos your heart died... 'cos you sure don't seem to have one anymore." He walked away.

"Nickolas Gene Carter..." Kevin went after him.

I sank into the seat Howie had vacated and rubbed my hands over my eyes.

Chapter Thirteen


To say things were tense after that argument would be the understatement of the century. Nick wouldn't even look at me once Kevin had coaxed him out of his hiding place and Howie was walking on eggshells the rest of the evening. AJ was in a foul mood once we found him - turned out he'd spent the morning getting chewed out by Lou and Johnny. Kevin was frustrated with me for not telling him about the problem I was having. Every one of us had beef with the others for something - other than, as I said, poor Howie, who was kind of like Sweden getting dragged into the center of World War two and trying desperately to stay neuteral.

We were in the dressing room by the time my parents caught up with me and my mother was kissing my cheek like crazy and telling me about all the girls they'd seen. My father voiced his disapproval over one girl with a poster board declaring she wanted to have my babies. My mom had brought cookies, though, which gathered the attention of the other guys because my mom makes the best cookies in the entire world and they were all quite aware of the magic that was her chocolate chips.

I saw Kevin glancing at me as though he was trying to decide how much of what Nick told him was true and how much of it he should repeat to my parents. I tried to send telepathic messages to both him and Nick, begging them not to say anything to them at all. The last thing my parents needed was to worry about me. Consequently, I fell into my usual patterns of hyperactivity and joke-slinging.

Lou came shoving into the dressing room. "Okay all five of you need to get your lazy asses onto the stage," he grunted before noticing my parents. His eyes registered slight panic, then he casually extended his hand, "Hello Jackie, Harry," he said nodding and shaking my dad's hand.

My father had that classic look of disapproval on his face. "Hello Mr. Pearlman," he said. He glanced at the door. I could tell he was wondering if Lou always talked to us like that.

"I apologize for my language," said Lou, picking up on the same cues I was. "It's been a long night, I hope you will forgive me."

My mother nodded.

"The boys need to do their final preps for the stage, though," he said apologetically, "We're running behind schedule a little."

"It's fine," my father answered, "Just a moment with Brian, please."

Lou nodded, though I could tell he was less than pleased. "Of course," he replied. He glanced around at the other guys. Nick was just shoving a cookie into his mouth, and he choked on them as Lou put a hand firmly on his back, pushing him toward the door. "Come on you four," he commanded, and he pushed his way out of the room.

"Thank you for the snacks, Aunt Jackie," Kevin said, before he ducked out the door.

When the door closed behind him, my father looked at me. "Does he always speak to you boys like that?" he asked.

I shrugged, "He's had a rough week."

My father's concern showed, but he didn't say anything more.

My mother kissed my face. "Oh my Baby Duck, I'm so excited to see your show."

"I'm glad ya'll came," I said, smiling.

She patted my hand. "Will we see you after the show?" she asked.

"I really won't have time unfortunately," I replied. "We're going to Detroit next, and we have to drive there overnight."

My father frowned. "You look tired," he said.

"Well you figure since I saw you on Christmas I've only had one day off," I pointed out.

"Against labor laws," he muttered.

I laughed, "I don't know that labor laws apply to being a pop star, Dad."

"Well maybe they should," he replied.

"Maybe they should," I agreed.

On stage, we did our best but again the group chemistry just wasn't there because we were all pissed off at each other. Again, the fans didn't notice but I sure did. After the show, we were whisked away quickly to the tour bus and were back on the road headed north. At the gas station we stopped to fill up the bus, I borrowed Johnny's cell phone and left a message on my parents' answering machine, just telling them I was sorry I didn't have more time and promising I'd be back in town soon with more time. Though I didn't know when that time would be or how I would secure it.

Once the bus was filled and back on the road, the five of us went straight to our bunks, where as we normally would've sat and watched a movie or something together. We were in no mood to stare at each other's ugly mugs, though, so we split apart and drew the curtains on our bunks and called it a night.

It was probably three in the morning when I woke up from that same horrible dream I'd had with Lou ripping out my heart. I lay in my bunk staring up at the ceiling, wishing I could get back to sleep, but every time I closed my eyes, it all played out again. So I'd been awake for quite some time when I heard Nick get up. The fridge opened and shut and I heard him pour a bowl of cereal. Nobody else in the bus moved.

I drew a deep breath and rolled out of my bunk, closing the door to the bunks behind me as I plodded into the tiny kitchenette area of the bus. Nick was sitting at the table, pushing Fruit Loops around in a bowl. The milk sat on the table in front of him. He looked up as the door to the bunks clicked shut. "Hi," he said quietly.

"Hi," I replied. I opened the cupboard and pulled out a second bowl and a spoon and sat across from him. I poured myself some Fruit Loops, too, and poured milk on them. We sat in silence for a long time, chewing, staring at each other.

"I'm sorry I said your heart died," Nick said after a long moment.

"I'm sorry you fele like we aren't listening to you," I said.

Nick looked down at his bowl. A long moment passed, and then I saw a single tear roll slowly across his cheek. He looked up at me, sucking his lips into his mouth and his nose flared. His blue eyes glistened. "Brian," he said quietly, his voice barely a whisper, "There's this thing... this thing going on and I dunno how to talk to about it..."

"What's the matter, Frack?" I asked.

Nick swallowed. "I - I -" he paused. He held his breath for a moment, thinking, and let it out with a slightly strangled sound. "Lou's not a good person, Brian."

"Because he yells?" I asked.

Nick looked me in the eyes.

Over the next hour, Nick and I spoke about things he'd been bottling up over the last five years. Sometimes, I realized, it hurts being let in on things and we try to protect the people we love most from the pain we're feeling, but it only makes it harder on ourselves. Nick was right, I hadn't been listening the way I should've or I would've taken the clues he'd delivered and put it together. I would've been better at being there for him through the hard times.

"I'm sorry," I said, "I'm sorry I didn't hear you before."

Nick shook his head, "You're hurting, too. You have your own things you aren't saying."

I nodded. "But you're my Frack," I replied.

"And you're my Frick..." Nick replied. I smiled. His brows stitched together, "You won't tell the anyone, right?"

It was like the ultimate form of role-reversal. Except I wouldn't crack during an argument. This truly wasn't mine to tell. "I won't," I answered.

Nick sighed and leaned back against the seat, his Fruit Loops long gone. "We're best friends, right Brian?" he asked.

"Of course," I replied. "Always."

Nick nodded. "Brian?"

"Yeah?"

He leaned forward now and he put a hand on my arm, his eyes very, very serious. "Even if you can't tell me about what's going on with you and your heart, I think somebody needs to know, you know?" he stared into my eyes. "You can't do it alone. You know?"

I nodded.

Nick drew back. "I mean I hope you'll pick me because I like being your best friend that knows everything but..."

"After all the stress you had not telling everyone about the b-ball court?" I teased.

Nick laughed. "Okay so I'm a weak link. But I'm a weak link that likes knowing you're okay."

"I'm okay, Nick," I replied.

"Promise?"

"Yes," I answered, "I promise."

It was well after 4:30 when we crawled back into our bunks. Nick leaned over the side of his, his hair hanging off his head as he stared into mine. "Thanks," he said quietly, voice scarcely above a whisper, "For listening to me." He disappeared up top and I rolled over, staring out the window at the dark landscape beyond passing us by mile by mile, the sun just starting to peek and turn everything a slight gold color.

I thought about the words Nick had said, about telling someone about it, even if it wasn't one of the fellas, and by the time we reached Detroit, I'd made a decision that I knew I needed to act on in order to carry it out. When we got into the hotel room, Kevin took a shower and I called Leighanne.

"When I come to Tampa next week," I said to her, "I need to see you. I need to talk to you. It's important."

"Okay," she agreed.

We made plans to meet at a restaurant in Tampa on the 19th, and I hung up with her before Kevin was out of the shower because I didn't want to tell her about all the fights and all the crazy things going on in my world just yet, and I knew if I stayed on the line too long she'd ask questions about what I wanted to talk to her about, and eventually she would get the truth out of me.

At the meet and greet that afternoon, every fan marvelled over AJ's tattoo, while Lou stood back, looking infuritated every time it was mentioned. AJ was still being distant from me, but he seemed to be okay talking to Nick, whose hyperactivity had returned and he was chattering away about Lord knows what. Kevin pulled me aside at one point and asked how I managed to make him relax after the argument the night before and I answered that I'd just listened to him.

When Lou interrupted the meet and greet and led us away, I felt protective over Nick when he put a hand on Nick's back. I saw Nick close his eyes and step forward quicker and wondered how it hadn't been obvious what was going on, how I hadn't seen it before.

We had pizza in the dressing room before the concert, and Howie spilled Dr. Pepper on his lap, which helped to break down the tension among us even more. It felt good to be laughing again as we all sopped the sticky mess up from the floor and AJ cracked dirty jokes about it and Nick laughed loudly. By the time we got on stage, we almost felt normal again and it was a really good feeling.

After the show it was off to the airport to head to Florida. The bus was going to meet us in DC later in the week, but it was nonsense to drive it all the way down to Florida just to drive it back up. We took only carry on bags with us to Florida, rather than checking bags for a four day departure from our stuff.

Kevin grabbed my arm once we'd gotten through security. "Are we still on for ring shopping tomorrow?" he asked.

"Sure," I replied.

We boarded the plane and Nick rambled about getting to spend the night at home with his family since we were in Tampa for a couple days. He was looking forward to seeing his siblings and his parents, who were picking him up at the airport. Johnny was giving him strict directions to be back to the venue in Tampa bright and early on the twentieth, and Nick eagerly said he would be, though I was pretty sure he was gonna be a little more bright and less early.

Outside the terminal, Nick was hauling his bags across the airport. His mother was waiting a few feet away when I stopped him and turned him to face me. "Look," I said, "That thing we talked about last night? Remember how you said for me to tell someone?" he nodded. "You need to tell someone too."

Nick stared at me for a long moment. "You want me to tell my parents."

"Yes," I replied.

He licked his lips. "Okay."

"Thanks."

Nick nodded. "See ya Tuesday," he said, and he bounded off, carrying his bags in the direction of his mother.

Kevin came up behind me, "I'm glad you two made up," he said.

I nodded, "Me too."

"So what's been bothering him?" he asked.

I shrugged.

We all headed out to the shuttle that was taking us to the hotel and this time, sans Nick, we broke evenly into two pairs, much to Howie's discontent since he was now spoiled by having had the single hotel room. Kevin and I agreed to get a little rest before going ring shopping, and we laid down and soon fell asleep.

When Kev woke me up, I took some aspirin because despite the load off my shoulders with Nick and I no longer fighting, I still felt tight. He eyed the Bayer bottle on the counter in the bathroom when he was in there brushing his teeth and looked at me. "You aren't really taking those as often as Nick made it sound, right?"

"You know Nick," I said, "He exaggerates."

Kevin nodded and spit foamy paste into the sink and swished a capful of Listerine around, too. "Well as long as you're not really taking them that much, I don't care what Nick has to say about it."

I tried not to look guilty.

We wandered around and found some fantastic rings within our price range, but I still wasn't seeing anything that looked like Leighanne, and I didn't end up getting one. Kevin, however, found one that he stood staring into for quite some time. He turned toward me, holding it out between his thumb and forefinger. "Does this look like it says forever?" he asked.

"That's usually what Diamonds say," I quipped.

Kevin stared down at it for a long moment. "I want it to be perfect," he whispered, voice scarcely audiable at all. He studied it, turned it and studied it some more. He contemplated so long that I had time to leave the store, go get a pretzel at the food court across the hall, and get back before he even noticed I'd left. After seemed like decades, Kevin drew a deep breath and looked at the poor cashier who looked like she might throw up if he changed his mind, and he said, "I'll take this one please."

I watched as he paid for the ring, a nervous look on his face as he handed over a huge chunk of the money he'd made as a Backstreet Boy. I stayed a few feet away, staring in the glass case for anything that looked perfect, but even up close nothing magically screamed Leighanne to me.

"You sure you didn't see anything?" he asked.

I nodded. "I'm positive," I answered.

We were headed back to the hotel when something occurred to me. "Vintage," I whispered.

"What?" Kevin looked over. He'd been staring down at the ring, the paperwork certifying the diamond authentic sitting sprawled across his lap.

I leaned forward to the driver. "Are there any antique jewelry stores around here?" I asked.

Chapter Fourteen


That night, I couldn't stop taking the ring out of my bag to turn it over in my fingers and make sure I'd really gotten it. It was so perfect it was almost too perfect, if that was even possible. I put it back in the box, in my bag. I sat for a couple minutes, watching TV with Kevin, and then I reached into the bag, took the box back out, opened it, and stared at the ring.

"Okay you gotta stop with the ring petting," Kevin said, turning the TV volume down and looking over at me. He was sprawled across his bed on his back, a hand over his chest, where he'd balanced the remote, and his other hand up behind his head. He looked like an Abercrombie model because he wasn't wearing a shirt. "You're like that creepy lil dude in Lord of the Rings," he said.

"They're making a movie of those books," I commented.

"Yeah I know," Kevin answered. "But seriously Brian you're getting creepy with that ring. Put it away before I feel the need to throw it into the fires of Mordor." He turned back to the TV.

I stared at it for a couple extra seconds, then closed the lid on the box and put it back in my duffle bag. I leaned back, too, the same way Kevin was, and thought about how funny we'd look to someone peeking through the ceiling. A couple Kentucky boys, posing in a hotel room like they were underwear models or something. I sat up and restlessly fluffed my pillow up, then laid back down.

"It's weird to think about," Kevin said, "Getting married."

"Yeah," I answered.

"All the responsibilities," he mused, flipping the channel from CNN To NBC to FOX to ABC News. I closed my eyes, bored with the news. "...you can't hit on women who aren't your wife, and she doesn't hit on any other guys... and you eat her meatloaf even when it's dry..."

"Yeah," I answered.

"Owning house... taking out the trash..."

He was beginning to sound like Nick. I peeked over at him. He was staring blankly at the TV as he flipped, but I could tell he wasn't really seeing the TV. He was seeing his future.

"So when are you gonna ask her?" I asked.

Kevin swallowed. He looked over at me. "I dunno," he answered, his voice nervous now. "When the timing's right." He looked away, "When I can."

I glanced at my duffle bag, wanting to look at the ring again.

"When are you gonna ask?" Kevin questioned.

"I don't knw. Soon," I answered.

"See you're just as scared as I am," he accused.

"Am not," I replied.

We fell into silence and soon the rhythmic sound of Kevin's breathing told me he'd fallen asleep. I crawled out of bed, stole the remote from his chest, turned the channel to Nickelodeon, and grabbed the ring out of my duffle bag. I settled back into the cushions as Ahh! Real Monsters played on TV, and stared at the ring, picturing it on Leighanne's finger.

I wanted the moment I asked her to be just right. So the next day when I went to meet her, I brought it with me, just in case the perfect moment manifested itself sooner rather than later. I sat at the restaurant, feeling nervous, and looking around. I rearranged the silverware like three times. Then I felt a touch on my shoulder and I jumped about nine miles before I realized it wa the waiter bringing Leighanne to the table. I stood up quickly, knocked the table, spilling a cup of water. The waiter apologized - not that he was the one that spilled the water or anything - and dashed off to get paper towels.

Leighanne smiled, "You okay, sweetie?" she asked as she lowered into her seat.

"Yeah, yes," I answered. I sat back down.

Leighanne opened her menu and the waiter came back and we sopped up the water and he refilled my glass, and poured Leighanne a glass, though he kept glancing at me as though wondering if he should've brought me the no-spill cups they use for kids or not. Then, promising to be back for our orders, he dashed off and I was alone with Leighanne.

I gazed across the table at her. She looked so pretty with her blonde hair pulled into a loose braid that hung over her shoulder. She was wearing a simple pink dress with a sweater. She looked up at me and smiled. "Did you order already?" she asked.

I shook my head.

"Do you know what you want?" she asked.

I realized it was weird I wasn't looking at the menu, just looking at her. I grabbed my menu - almost knocked over the water again, but managed not to - and started scanning the entrees. I felt so awkward. Leighanne smiled my direction and I smiled back.

The waiter returned and took our orders and whisked away the menus, disappearing once more. Leighanne leaned forward, placing her chin on her palm and stared into my eyes for a long moment. "What's wrong, Brian?" she asked quietly.

I took a deep breath and reached out my hand for one of hers. She slid it into mine and I wrapped my fingers around it. Her eyes were filled with concern. "When I was born," I said quietly, "The doctor found a murmur on my heart."

Leighanne shifted her seat to be closer so she could hear better.

"I spent a lot of my childhood in and out of hospitals. They didn't wanna do a surgery because they were hoping the thing would close itself as my heart grew with age, you know? But it was always really dangerous because whenever I got sick there was potential that the heart could become sick from overworking and I could die. So I went to the hospital every time I got sick. Which was a lot when you're a kid and you spent everyday outside and everything," I half-smiled. Leighanne's eyes were searching mine, they were wide with questions. "Then, when I was in first grade, I was playing and I fell down off my bike and I scraped my knee on the sidewalk and I got an infection. I went to the hospital and I had a bacterial infection that had reached my heart and they didn't expect me to live through the night."

Leighanne's fingers clasped mine more tightly.

"They told my parents to start making funeral arrangements, that's how certain they were that I would die."

"Your poor mother," she whispered.

I stared down at our entwined fingers. "I tell you this because... and I don't mean to scare you, I just need someone to talk to about it..."

"What?"

I swallowed back the nerves that were rising up inside me. "Last week, in Los Angeles, Nick and I were playing basket ball one night and I was about to make a break down the court and suddenly there was this really tight feeling that just..." I grabbed the chest of my shirt and squeezed together, tugging the material to give her a visual of how it felt. "And I couldn't think straight or hear right or see right or anything, and Nick helped me go inside."

"Was it a heart attack?" she asked, her voice shaking.

"I don't think so," I answered honestly.

She closed her eyes for a moment, and a tear squeezed out and ran across her face. She wiped it away quickly. "Brian, you need to go to the doctors, you need to have that checked. Especially given your history."

"I know and I do plan to," I replied. "I have a couple weeks off next month --"

"Next month?" Leighanne squeaked. Several people looked over our direction. "Oh no, no, no... You expect to tell me all this, then wait a month before you go to the doctor's?"

"I didn't have enough time in Kentucky to go see my doctor there," I replied.

Leighanne shook her head, "Why didn't you ask for time?"

"I did ask for time," I answered.

"And?"

"We have a really tight schedule," I said.

Leighanne stared at me, jaw dropped, aghast. She shifted in her seat, sitting back and looked away, ruffled. I looked at her profile, at the curve of her chin and the way the lighting of the restaurant diffused against her blonde hair. My hand went to my pocket and I patted the little box with her ring inside of it. The moment wasn't right, but it was like I wanted the assurance that the moment would be right at some point.

She turned to look at me again. "Promise me you'll go."

"I promise."

Leighanne nodded, "Okay then." She squeezed my hand and, although there was some serious fear on her face, she forced a smile through it at me and she whispered, "You just mean so much to me, I don't want to lose you before I've even had you." Her eyes welled up.

My heart ached at the words, at the thought. "I'm not going anywhere," I answered.

Leighanne moved her chair until we were sitting beside each other and rested her head on my shoulder. We stayed that way until our meals came, and I asked for them to be boxed to go. The waiter looked peturbed so I said, "I'll leave a big tip, I promise," and winked, and he was off at top speed. I turned to Leighanne and kissed her forehead.

We went back to the hotel. Kevin was, thankfully, still out doing whatever Kevin does on a free night, so I stuck a little note on the door asking him to please room with Howie. I stuck a sock out there, too, just for good measure, and I hoped he got the hint. Leighanne and I laid on the bed and ate the food we'd ordered and we turned on the TV and watched cartoons and laughed and told each other jokes. We shared French fry kisses and turned out the lights and talked into the dark.

And then she leaned over and kissed me and I pulled her closer and we started slipping each others clothes off. We were pressed against each other, me in my boxers and her in her panties and bra, and I was thinking about how I was the luckiest guy in the entire world... and the fire alarm went off.

Leighanne gasped in surprise at the sound of it. My mouth was on her shoulder. "Fire - fire alarm," she gasped.

"It'll go off," I answered, "Probably a drill."

"We can't rely on that," she replied, panicing.

We got up and she looked around, "Where is my dress?" she panicked, "I can't find it. I can't go out like this!"

I handed her my t-shirt,which she tugged on as we rushed into the hallway. My fingers found her free hand as her other hand pulled the hem of the shirt down as far as it would go. We walked quickly to the elevator. "I can't believe I couldn't find my dress," she muttered.

Howie and Kevin suddenly appeared behind us. "Excuse me, Brian, but in emergency situations you take the stairs, not the elevator," came Kevin's voice. We both stopped and turned around. Kevin was thumbing over his shoulder, at the stairwell entrance. "Hello Leighanne," Kevin said in a knowing tone.

Leighanne tugged my t-shirt hem harder as we walked back toward them and the stairwell. "Hi Kevin," she answered.

Howie was smirking, the twitch in his eye going about a thousand blinks per second.

"Where's AJ and Nick?" Kevin asked.

"Yeah because I'd know that now," I answered, nodding towards Leighanne. "Isn't Nick at home with his family?"

Kevin shook his head, "He came back early. He didn't say why. Go down, I'll be right there." But we all waited there in the doorway of the stairs while he went and knocked violently on what must have been AJ and Nick's door. Neither answered, so he yelled their names and knocked again. The fire alarm's shrill ring was still going off. Kevin turned back to us, shaking his head as he strode quickly, "They better not be off getting into more shit."

Howie led the way down the stairs and we emerged in a crowded lobby a couple minutes later. Bright red lights flashed out in the street through the front doors, and we hastened to join the flow of the crowd as it pushed for the doors. I held onto Leighanne's arm so we wouldn't get separated while we worked our way out of the hotel.

We were standing on the sidewalk across the street. A chill had settled into the air, and Leighanne pressed against me. Kevin and Howie stood a couple feet away from us, as we all waited. Firefighters ran into the building. Leighane shivered.

"Intense huh?" AJ and Nick appeared, emerging from the crowd. It was AJ that had spoken.

"Sure is," Howie agreed. "See they aren't in any trouble," he said to Kevin.

Nick came to a stop next to me, a sick-from-nerves expression on his face. I nudged him. "Hey, dude, it's okay, it's just a fire alarm," I said. "We're all out safe." Nick nodded.

It took them a full forty minutes to come to the conclusion that the hotel wasn't burning down before they started letting people back into the hotel. Johnny and Lou, who had found us after about twenty minutes of standing and waiting, led the way and as we passed by a fireman, I heard Kevin ask, "What happened?"

"Someone pulled an alarm in a stairwell up on the sixth floor."

"Who in the world would be dumb enough to do that?" Kevin asked of us as he fell into step on the far side of Leighanne.

"Some kid probably," Howie piped up.

Upstairs, we split into our separate rooms. Kevin went in with Howie, no questions asked. Leighanne picked up the forlorn sock that I'd hung on our door handle but now was on the floor. She looked at me, an eyebrow raised. "It must've been stuck to my foot when we left," I tried.

A smirk crawled across her face. "Oh is that it?" she asked, laughing.

"It must be," I replied. I snatched it from her and stuck it back on the door handle, winking, and closed the door behind me.

Leighanne shook her head, "I'm sorry Brian, but not tonight now. I still have to drive home don't forget. It's really late."

"You could stay over night," I suggested.

She smiled sadly, "Not if you want me to have time to come to the show tomorrow," she replied, "I have that commercial I have to film tomorrow, remember the one I told you about?"

"Yeah," I replied. Stupid fire alarm.

Leighanne kissed me softly. "Now help me find my dress."

We located it bunched up under the bed and she tugged it on over her head and pulled her sweater back on. "Can I keep the t-shirt?" she asked, smiling and leaning against me. "It smells like you."

"You say that like smelling like me is a good thing," I teased her.

"It is," she answered.

I gave her another kiss. "Ah why not."

"Thank you," she whispered.

After she'd left and I'd retrieved my sock from the hallway, I sat down on the bed and stared at the wall for a few minutes in silence, thinking about how pretty she was and how happy I was that I'd gotten to spend time with her. I got up and pulled the ring out of my pants' pocket and put it on the night stand. I stared at the little box.

A knock at the door interrupted my reverie and I opened it and found Nick standing there. He was wringing his hands. "Can I come in?" he asked.

"Yeah, might as well, Leighanne left," I replied, pulling the door open for him.

Nick sat on Kevin's bed, crossed his legs, and stared at me while I lowered myself onto the edge of my own bed. He stared at me for a long moment, then he said, all in one breath, "IPulledTheFireAlarmBecauseISawYourSockAndIGotJealousAndI'mSorry."

"Whoa, hold up there," I said, my mind only wrapping around half the sentence. "You pulled the fire alarm?"

Nick hung his head. "Yeah."

"If Kevin or Lou find out you did that, you're gonna be in so much trouble..."

Nick looked up, his eyes wild, "You won't tell'em will you?" He flung himself forward off the bed and onto the floor, on his knees, he gruvelled up at me. "Right? Bri? We're best friends, you won't tell 'em?"

"I might not have to, Nick!" I exclaimed, "Did you look to see if there was a security camera there?"

Nick's face paled.

"I don't know but I'm pretty sure pulling a fire alarm is really, really bad."

"I DON'T WANNA GO TO JAIL!" Nick wailed. The phone rang on the night stand and Nick ducked to the floor like it was a gunshot. "Oh God," he trumpeted, rolling onto his back, "I'm too sexy to go to jail."

"Shut up," I said as the phone rang a second time. I snatched it off the cradle. "Hullo?" I asked. Nick groaned and I kicked him.

Kevin's voice was dark. "Is Nick over there?" he asked.

I looked down at the floor, "Kind of," I said.

"So Leighanne left?"

"Yes."

"Good. Can I come back and room with you? Howie's obnoxious."

I breathed deeply, "Sure." After I'd hung up with Kevin, I looked down at Nick. "Kev's on his way over."

"HE KNOWS," Nick gasped.

"I don't think he does, he just is finding Howie obnoxious is all," I answered, thinking that Kev was gonna find Nick even more obnoxious.

Nick wheezed on the floor. "What am I gonna do?" he asked me.

"Well for starters, not pull any more fire alarms again - ever."

Nick nodded, "Yeah I know that. I mean about this one," he replied.

I shrugged, "I don't know, Nick." I paused. "Why in the hell would you pull a fire alarm?"

Nick's cheeks reddened. "Because I saw your sock in the hallway."

I stared at him, letting this sink in. "You pulled a fire alarm because you thought I was getting sex?" I asked.

Nick hung his head. "I thought you might be proposing. Kevin said earlier you found a ring yesterday for her and... I... I think you should think about the marriage thing some more... before you do it and stuff," he said, his voice getting shakier and shakier as he went on. He sat up and leaned against the bed. "I don't wanna lose my best friend," he added quietly.

The hotel room door opened and Kevin came in. He stood in the doorway for a moment, staring at Nick on the floor at my knees, his eyes watery, and me sitting on the edge of the bed. He paused. "I'm not... interrupting anything... am I?" he asked.

I looked down at Nick, and realized the oddness of our position and backed up onto the bed. "We were just talking."

Kevin waved my sock at me, which he'd carried in from the hallway. "Socks on the door indicate more than that," he joked. He tossed it onto the bed and went to his own bed. "Eventful night, huh Nick?"

Nick looked at Kevin as he laid down and nodded pitifully. I could tell he was just waiting for Kevin to start bellowing about the idiocy it took to pull fire alarms. Particularly for the purpose of interrupting one's friend's sexual encounters.

But Kevin just turned on CNN and leaned back into the pillows.

Nick looked at me.

"Go to bed, buddy," I said. He nodded and dashed off, muttering a quick night before the door slammed shut behind him.

Kevin glanced over, "What's the matter with him?"

"He's freaked out over the fire alarm," I replied, shrugging.

"The way he's acting, you'd think he pulled it," Kevin commented, rolling his eyes.

I nodded, "You'd think that, wouldnt'ja?"

Chapter Fifteen


The next day we were at the venue doing the soundchecks when Lou interrupted us. A guy in a business suit followed him as he crossed the floor of the arena. "Mr. Armando here is from the police department," he said. His eyes landed on Nick. "We need to talk."

Nick's eyes widened.

Kevin looked from Nick to Lou to Mr. Armando and back to Nick. "What in the hell is going on?"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Carter, I just need to speak to you about the false fire alarm at the hotel you were staying at yesterday," Mr. Armando said patiently.

Nick slunk to the stairs at the front of the stage and went down them slowly, staring at his sneakers. Lou's face was a shade just under purple. Kevin looked on, outraged because he hadn't been answered as Lou wrapped an arm around Nick's shoulders. Nick shrugged his arm off and walked quicker, following Mr. Armando and Lou out of the arena. The rest of us stood in stunned silence until the echo of the doors at the far end coming to a close had died off.

"Keep on," Johnny said from the seat he was sitting in below, clutching a clipboard and his cellphone. "Just 'cos Nick's not up there doesn't mean the rest of you can't work." He waved his hand dismissively.

I looked helplessly at Kevin, whose brow was cinched together in concern and irritation. He sighed. "Might as well..." and the music started back up and we worked our way through the rest of the soundcheck without Nick.

After the soundcheck, Nick still hadn't returned, so we did meet and greets without him. Several girls looked supremely dissapointed in his absence, but we promised to pass along gifts and hugs to him when he got back, and they dealt with just meeting the four of us. In the dressing room afterwards, AJ said, "You'd think Nick was the only Backstreet Boy they care about for crying out loud."

"We all know they have favorites," Howie said.

AJ rolled his eyes.

Kevin sprung on AJ quickly, "You were with him last night," he said.

"What?" AJ looked up from the magazine he'd been about to open.

"You," Kevin said, wagging a finger at AJ, "You were with Nick last night when the fire alarm went off. Where were you two?"

AJ stared at Kevin for a long moment. "Actually, I wasn't," he answered.

"You two came out together," Kevin pointed out.

"Yeah because I ran into him in the stairwell on my way down to dinner and he was gonna go change and meet me down there," AJ shrugged. I waited at the bottom and when the alarm went off I ran up to go get him and he was just coming running down the stairs and we went outside. We were among the first few people out the door."

Kevin leaned back in his seat. He shook his head, "What in the hell would they need to talk to him for if they don't think he pulled the alarm?" he mused. He rubbed his chin, "Why in the hell would he pull it?"

I very carefully kept my eyes diverted from Kevin.

Kevin looked at me anyways. "Last night," he said, "When Nick was in our room. Did he say anything to you? He was acting really weird..."

I shrugged.

Kevin recognized my silence too well. "Brian."

I looked up. Howie and AJ were both staring at me. "He mighta mentioned he pulled it kind of," I stammered quietly.

Kevin closed his eyes and I would guess that he was silently counting to ten.

AJ crowed in humor, "Oh Nick is a bad ass after all! And here I thought I'd raised him all wrong."

Kevin glowered at AJ and he silenced. "What in the hell would posess him to think that is a good idea?" Kevin demanded.

"I don't know," I lied. I didn't feel like I needed to get anymore involved than I already was.

Kevin made an exasperated noise. "Pulling a fire alarm is against the law," he said, "It's a misdemenor in the first degree at best and a felony at worst." He pinched the bridge of his nose, "You realize he's gonna end up with some ridiculous fine? And could spend time in jail?"

My stomach twisted. All this over a damn sock on the door. Ugh.

"He's a minor," Howie pointed out. "For another week anyways."

Kevin nodded, "That very well may be the only thing that keeps him out of jail. Like we have time to spare for him to spend time in jail. Jesus Christ." He turned away, angry.

"Because our freaking schedule is the main problem with Nick going to jail," I snapped.

Kevin turned back, "Well it would be a big part yes."

I felt a surge of annoyance and anger surge through my body like my blood stream. I shook my head and looked away from Kevin. "What is with everyone in this entourage placing the stupid schedule ahead of peoples lives?" I demanded. "Everyone's so concerned with making sure we're there for every single overbooked notion of this tour and nobody's stopping to be like gee maybe this is too much on the fellas, maybe they have families and lives too, maybe they need time off."

"Don't take your frustration out on me," Kevin responded, "And besides that we had a day off yesterday, remember that?" He rolled his eyes, "I admit we're not getting them all the time but its called work and having ethic. We have to work hard to get where we want to be."

I shook my head, "What good does getting where we want to be do us if we're all dead from having neglected ourselves so long?" I demanded. Kevin didn't respond, and we all fell into silence.

We stayed that way until the last few minutes before the show, when Nick came slinking back in. "Everything okay?" I asked him. He nodded.

"What'd they decide?" Kevin demanded.

"I have to go to court next month," Nick muttered. He started tugging on his stage clothes.

Lou came in the door. "Hear me out now, all of you..." Johnny came up behind Lou and stood, hovering behind him, nodding as Lou spoke, "This is the last straw. There will be no more bullshit from any of you. I mean it. No more being late, no more drugs, no more drinking, no more pulling fire alarms." He glowered at each one of us in turn. "Am I understood?" he demanded.

"Yes sir," Nick muttered.

"And the rest of you?" he demanded.

"Yes," Howie, AJ, Kevin, and I all murmured.

"Good." Lou turned and shoved past Johnny and disappeared down the hall.

Johnny looked around at each of us, "It's for your own good," he said, "When we're protective of you, it's for you that we do it. Bad publicity could destroy you. You're at a really delicate spot in the process. We're not just picking on you for the fun of it, trust me, it's not any thrill for us to yell at any of you." He ducked out of the dressing room as his cell phone rang. "Sorry guys, I gotta take this."

Nick was buttoning his shirt, staring down at his hands as he worked his way up the buttons. "I don't wanna talk about it, okay guys?" he said quietly before anyone could ask any questions.

We all looked at Kevin.

Kevin sighed, "Okay."

We did the show that night without a hitch and rode across the state to West Palm Beach in a van Lou rented. By the time we reached the east coast of Florida, it was nearly three in the morning, so too late to bother getting a hotel. Instead, we went straight to the venue, where the five of us laid down on the floor, using our duffle bags as pillows.

About five o'clock I woke up and just couldn't sleep anymore so I lay in the semi-dark room thinking. We had a busy day - like that was different than usual - and I kept trying to tell myself that I had to go to sleep. Then I heard Nick shuffling around and I looked over and saw he was awake too. I motioned for us to get up and he nodded and we snuck away, leaving our bags on the floor by the other guys. We wandered out of the backstage area to the concourse. The venue was pretty much deserted save for the roadies that were already at work putting together the stage.

"I'm hungry," Nick whined, looking around at the food places that dotted the concourse. "Too bad this stuff wasn't open," he said. "I could totally go for a hotdog right now." He frowned at a picture of one floating high over our heads.

We walked in slience for a few minutes, and Nick stopped and grabbed a ketchup packet from one of the little condiment trays and opened it. I stared in disbelief as he started sucking on it. I wasn't sure if I'd ever in my entire life been hungry enough to suck on a ketchup packet. I didn't think I ever had been.

"So court, huh?" I asked.

Nick sighed, "Yeah," he answered, drawing the packet from his mouth. He frowned, "That Mr. Armando dude like chewed me out forever about it too, how if anyone had gotten hurt during the evacuation that I would've been liable and all kinds of stuff. They saw me on the security type, like you said." He paused. "I didn't mean to cause all kinds of trouble."

"I know," I replied.

Nick threw away the empty ketchup packet as we passed by a trash bin. "I didn't really think it was this big of a deal, to be honest."

"Kevin says it's a midemenor --"

"-- of the first degree," Nick finished, nodding. "Could've been a felony if anyone had been hurt but nobody got hurt so it's just a misdemenor." He frowned. "Mr. Armando says I'll just get a fine since I'm underage, but it still sucks. I mean I'm not exactly rich."

This comment reminded me of the fact that we were making minimum wage and I frowned at the concrete as I walked.

"Plus he called my parents," Nick continued.

"And?"

"My mom's probably seething."

"You haven't called her?"

"No."

We walked in silence for a couple seconds, then I plucked up the courage to ask, "Did you tell her about Lou?"

Nick frowned. "I tried."

"And?"

"She said I shouldn't make stuff up."

I sighed. "Is that why you came back early the other day?"

Nick nodded.

"She'll come around."

"Yeah well."

"Maybe you should tell Kevin."

Nick looked at me like I had four heads. "Why in the hell would I tell Kevin?"

"Kevin cares a lot about you and of the five of us he's the most likely to know how to handle it," I explained.

"I'm not telling Kevin."

We walked again in silence for a few minutes. "So Lou was okay with you taking a day off for the court, huh?" I joked.

Nick snorted, "He said I had to do it during the two weeks we have off next month. He bullied the cop into giving me a date then so I wouldn't mess up his schedule."

Apparently nothing could distrupt the schedule.

Chapter Sixteen


That morning, we had a fan we were visiting for a segment on the Rikki Lake Show, and then it was onto the soundchecks and rehearsals. Before the show, I managed to squeeze in a quick dinner with Leighanne that consisted of food she'd brought with her. We sat on a couple of crates out back of the venue and ate chinese noodles from the boxes with plastic forks. "How did your commercial go?" I asked, dangling noodles over my open mouth and dropping them in.

Leighanne smiled, "It went well, I think it's gonna be a good one." She nodded and stuck a water chestnut into her mouth neatly. "How about you, how has the last two days been in Backstreet Land?" she asked.

"Well, remember the fire alarm in Tampa?"

"The one where I ended up on the side walk in your t-shirt for an hour? Yes."

"Yeah that's the one," I said, nodding, "I liked that by the way. You in my t-shirt, that is."

Leighanne laughed, "What about the fire alarm?"

"Nick pulled it," I said.

Leighanne put her fork into her Chinese food bucket. "Seriously?" she asked, laughing, "What a little twit."

I laughed, "I know."

"Why would he do that?"

"He saw the sock on the door," I laughed.

Leighanne shook her head, her laughter dying to a chuckle. She looked up at me, her eyes sparkled with knowledge, her voice leveled completely. "He doesn't like me very much, does he?" she asked.

I lowered my fork into my food as well. "I think he's wary," I replied, "But he's had bad examples of what ma--" I stopped mid-word, my cheeks burning.

"What?" Leighanne's eyebrows were up.

"Couples," I choked the word out, "He's got a bad example of what couples are like because his parents are kind of... crazy..." my voice faded out and I stared down at the noodles, chewing.

Leighanne let out a breath she'd held and went back to her noodles.

"So did he get caught?" she asked after a few minutes of silence passed by us.

"Yeah," I replied, my voice still shaky.

"He in trouble?" she asked.

"Court next month," I replied.

"Same time as your doctor's appointment?" she asked, "Schedule too busy for court, too?"

I nodded.

"Brian --" Leighanne started, but the back door to the venue opened and Johnny was silouhetted against the light in the hall behind him.

"Show time, B-Rok," he said, then he nodded at Leighanne and disappeared into the venue again.

Leighanne pushed her fork into her Chinese container, folded the cover and bent the little wire handle to keep the container closed. "Date's over, huh?" she asked quietly.

I closed my container, too. "I guess so," I said quietly right back.

Leighanne drew a deep breath, "I miss you, you know," she said. She held onto the zipper of my jacket with her free hand and stared into my eyes, "When you aren't here." She leaned forward and kissed me softly.

I kissed her back and dropped my left over noodle container on the ground so I could wrap both my hands around her. I held her tight. "I miss you too," I whispered in her ear.

The door to the venue opened again, "Brian I'm not kidding," Johnny said, leaning out, "Get in here."

"Okay," I said. I released Leighanne from my grasp and picked up the Chinese container. "Next month," I told her, "Two whole weeks, just you and me."

"And your doctor," she added.

I laughed, "And a doctor." I kissed her cheek and we went inside.

She was escorted by security to her seat in the crowd and I jogged to get the last of my stage clothes put on. Nick was standing in the hall by the dressing room. "Johnny said you had Leighanne out there," he said.

"I did," I answered, kicking into my stage shoes and shrugging off my jacket.

Nick leaned against the wall, watching. "Did you ask her?"

"Nope," I replied, "Not yet." I tightened the laces on my sneakers.

"Good," he said, and he ducked out of the dressing room.

I rolled my eyes at the spot where he'd been, then ran after him. We got on stage and the music rose and the lights went out and the fans went crazy and we ran out onto the stage as That's The Way I Like It began. I couldn't help but peeking down at Leighanne a couple times during the show, and she was always smiling up at me, pride in her eyes. I wished I could've grabbed Nick and told him to look and see how she looked at me, rip open my heart and let him see how she made me feel. More than anything, I wanted Nick to understand why I was in love with Leighanne Wallace and why I wanted more than anything for her last name to be Littrell.

After the show, Leighanne was waiting in the dressing room, having gotten up before the encore to squeeze in one last good-bye kiss before we left. I held her close and she wrapped her arms around me and kissed my ear lobe. "I love you," she whispered, "Stay safe, okay?"

"I will," I replied.

Nick was sitting in his seat, staring at us in a disapproving way. When we broke apart, Leighanne turned to him and he looked away quickly. She put a hand on his shoulder, "And Happy Birthday, Nick." She smiled.

He looked up, "It's not until the 28th," he answered flatly.

Leighanne didn't let his attitude pause her. "I know but I won't see you the 28th, so happy birthday early." She kissed his cheek and smiled, waved to me, then was escorted away by one of our security guards.

Nick wiped the kiss of his cheek, "Ugh," he groaned.

I smacked the back of his head.

"Ow, what the hell is that for?"

"Being a putz," I answered, "Dude she's trying so hard."

"Hey I stopped calling her Boob Job Barbie, isn't that what you wanted?"

"I wanted you to try being friends with her," I replied.

We were whisked off to the van that carried us to the airport and off to DC. The next week was scheduled so tight that I was pretty certain we were all going to go crazy. Once we reached the end of it, though, we'd be at the end of the first leg of the tour and I had the image of Leighanne in my head to keep me going. I have to admit I felt a little bit like a superman as we plowed through TV appearances, radio interviews, meet and greets, rehearsals, soundchecks, and shows. From DC to Rhode Island to Long Island.

The day that we played Plainview for the first of two times we spent the morning in New York City since all our TV and radio work was going to be covered the second time we were in town - on Nick's birthday. AJ's mother had flown up to visit with him, while Kevin was going with Howie to a museum, but Nick wanted to go to the Empire State Building, so we walked up Fifth Avenue together talking and jumping over snow patches that dotted the sidewalks.

Steam rose up from the subways and manholes on the streets and yellow cabs splashed through heavy slush that filled the curbs. The streets in Manhattan have a scent all their own - something between Italian Sausage and pollution - and by the time we'd reachd the looming tower my fingers were aching with cold.

We ducked into a shop with a spinner of postcards out on the sidewalk despite the cold weather, and looked around at plastic Statues of Liberty and tiny shot glasses with "I (heart) NY" printed on them. I was looking at an apple-shaped music box when Nick let out a shrill squeak of excitement. "Dude!" he yelled, "Look!"

I turned and Nick was holding up a t-shirt that was about fifteen sizes too big for him that said "I Survived The Great Ice Storm '98" on it. "I need this!" he exclaimed, "Because, you know, we did and stuff."

I hardly would've considered riding a van for a block and a half to the venue a case of surviving a storm that had kicked a quarter of Canada's electrical provider's asses, but Nick was too excited to tell him I thought so. He bought the t-shirt and one printed to look like King Kong's chest and we went back out into the cold and into the State Building's lobby.

The elevator ride to the top took forever and I started to feel a little claustrophobic in it. We were on a elevator car with a girl who kept glancing over at us, looking a little sick to her stomach and I worried she might throw up until she finally got the courage to explain she'd been a fan forever and wanted our autographs. We signed her I heart NY t-shirt and when the elevators door opened she was still gushing with thanks.

Out on the observation deck, we stared out at the city and I felt a little queasy when I realized how high up 108 stories really is. Nick laughed and frolicked around the perimeter of the deck, clearly not as effected by the height as I was. Normally he was, but I guess he felt the building was solid enough to not be bothered by it. I found myself grabbing the railing each time we looked over. He settled finally on a spot that looked south, towards Ellis Bay and the Statue of Liberty. The city scape lay before us, huge and full.

"It's weird," he said, "Being on top of the world like this." He grinned, "I wonder what God thinks when he looks at us and we all look like lil specks to him huh?"

"Yeah," I agreed. I stared down at the ground, at the cars moving like toys and the people - like Nick had said, little specks far below - everyone going somewhere, everybody carrying secrets and a story just the way me and Nick were. Every single one of them. I turned away from the edge and looked up at the cloudy sky as the wind whipped around us. The antennae of the building loomed higher even than where we stood and a pigeon sat, her wings curled against the wind, on a small ledge.

"When I was little, I thought that being famous felt like this," Nick said.

I turned to look at him.

"I used to sit on rocks in the backyard and sing to the grass and picture the grass was the people and I thought audiences looked like that, like little tiny dots staring up at big ol' me on the stage. But it's not like that at all. I'm really only a very small piece of it all, just like all of them," he chewed on his lower lip, "I'm just a blade of grass too." He looked at me. "You know what I mean?" he asked.

"Yeah, I know what you mean."

Nick looked back at the city. "Sometimes I wish I wasn't so small."

"I know you aren't making it up," I told him, "About Lou."

Nick smiled sadly. "I'm glad someone does," he said.

"Something needs to be done about him," I said.

"Like what?" Nick asked.

"I don't know but he's not treating us fairly, any of us, but especially not you. It's not right. It's not fair and it's not right." I looked down at my feet as I leaned against the ledge. "We make minimum wage doing more work than any work ethic requires, and you--" I shook my head, "The price tag to fame shouldn't be innocence."

Nick nodded.

I drew a deep breath. "I just know he can't get away with it. I don't know what I'm gonna do but something needs to be done. And if nobody else will hear me - or you - about it, then... damn it, I'll do it myself."

Nick turned to look at me. "What if you can't be a Backstreet Boy anymore if you do something though?" he had genuine panic in his eyes.

"Nobody can make me stop being a Backstreet Boy, Nick," I replied, "Being a Backstreet Boy isn't about being in a band anymore, really, is it? It's about who we are, what we are to each other. Being a Backstreet Boy isn't a label, it's a family."

"Yeah?"

"Yes," I answered.

"So we're like brothers then?"

"Yes."

Nick smiled, "I hope you're less annoying than my other brother," he laughed.

"Trust me, I do too," I laughed also.

We headed back to the venue after that, only stopping long enough to get sausages and for Nick to buy a Yankee's cap, which he wore on stage that night. MTV was there, filming bits of the show to play on the Total Request Live segment the following week. Nick licked the camera at one point. When we got off stage, we had a flight to California to catch, and Johnny and Lou were rushing us along as usual.

In my head, I kept repeating the conversation Nick and I had held, kept revisiting my promise to do something about Lou, and I knew that I was going to need help if I wanted the case to uphold anywhere. After all, Lou had been sued plenty of times in the past - for reasons, he claimed, that were beyond his control. I wondered how much of this story he would tell people in the future, and how out of control we would be made out to seem when he told it.

I was just about asleep on the plane when Nick leaned over, "Hey Brian?" he asked.

"Hmmm?" I rolled my head to the side to look at him.

"I'm glad you're my family."

"I'm glad too," I mumbled.

He was quiet a second. "Hey Brian?"

"Hmm?"

"Did you tell Boo-- Leighanne that it was my birthday or did she just know?" he asked.

"She just knew," I replied.

Nick smiled.

"She actually cares about you, you know, you twinkie," I said.

"Mm, twinkies sound really good actually."

"Don't forget your resolution," I reminded him, smirking.

Nick laughed, "S'long as you don't forget yours."

Chapter Seventeen


I stood on the edge of the curb outside the limo that had taken us from the day room to the Shrine Auditorium in Los Angeles for the American Music Awards. It was a flurry of activity. Cameras were flashing, people screaming, news personnel attempting to draw my attention away. Johnny waved his hands at them to back off as the other guys poured out of the limo behind me. Big beam spotlights searched the sky like in the old Hollywood pictures and Nick looked down at me with his sleeked back hair and faux glasses, looking all smart and stuff, and said, "Hot damn it's like the flippin' Taj Mahal yo!" I smiled beacuse no matter what they dressed Nick in he was still Nick.

But I'd be a liar if I said that I was prepared for the glitz of the moment. Everything seemed to shine and glow. Kevin led the way across the red carpet to the entrance of the Shrine and we stopped periodically for photo ops, once to answer a couple bland questions from an MTV veejay, once from People Magazine, and then for ABC, who was airing the whole affair.

It was beautiful, there was no way to deny that, but I felt so high strung. My heart was bothering me and had been since a little time after we'd landed and I wasn't sure why. I wasn't particularly stressed, and I hadn't done a ton of extra activity or anything. In fact, I'd slept most of the plane ride other than when I'd been talking to Nick, and when we got to the hotel, Kevin and I had both showered and taken a nap. Yet I'd had to take a couple aspirin before coming and it hadn't completely lessened the dull ache that I was feeling. I worried it would cause another episode like I'd had playing basket ball and my nerves were wearing on me. I kept my hands in my pockets and thanked the Lord that Nick was hyper enough to cover us both through interviews and meeting everyone that I needed to meet.

The whole ceremony was a bit of a blur of colors and noises that I was sifting through. The only moment I really clearly knew I would remember years later was the moment when we went onto the stage to announce the winner of the R&B/Soul artist or group of the year. We each took turns introducing a nominee - I did En Vogue - and we watched a short clip of the artists in question and I was excited when Kevin opened the little oragami envelope and we found out that Boyz II Men had won.

Boyz II Men had been one of my favorites in the past few years, and they sang one of the many songs that I frequently serenaded Leighanne with, so it was a real honor to get to announce their win. I made sure I got to shake their hands and give them hugs because I felt it was the least I could do to thank them for making music that inspired me. I figured that if their career lives were anything at all like mine, then they really needed to hear that every once in awhile, and I wanted them to know that I understood that.

We were whisked back to the airport following the ceremony, even though we had a bit of a wait before actual take off. I sat down by the terminal alone because the other four guys were hungry and I wasn't, and they'd gone to get food. I rubbed my hand across my chest, watching planes land and take off and roll across the tarmac outside the huge picture glass window I sat in front of. The noise of LAX surrounded me and I loosened my tie.

"You need to take your medicine," I heard a woman a few seats away say impatiently. I looked over and a little girl was seated in a wheel chair. On her lap was a small portable oxygen concentrator - the kind that's FAA approved. Anyone who hadn't noticed the cannula in her nose might've mistaken the POC for a purse. I watched as the mother argued with the little girl, clutching a small orange container of pills. The girl kept pushing her mother's hand away, twisting her head to escape, and her eyes landed on me.

Our eyes locked across the waiting area and she stopped struggling against her mom, who put the pills in her mouth, and the girl took them without fighting. Her eyes stared straight through me, almost seeming to ask a question or maybe to answer questions of my own. A tear rolled down her cheek.

I hesitated only slightly before standing up and walking over. "Hello," I said to her.

Her mother looked up, and her eyes widened in surprise as she recognized me. I lowered into the seat beside her, smiling at the girl, who reached out a hand for me, her other hand going to the cannula, as though ensuring it was still in place. She gasped out, "Hello."

I smiled and took her hand, kissed the back of it softly, and looked to her mother. "I saw your daughter looking," I said. "And I couldn't resist introducing myself to two such beautiful ladies. I'm Brian Littrell."

"Big fan," the mother stammered, "We are big fans." She stared at me, her eyes welling up.

I smiled. I spent the next few minutes sitting and talking to the girl and her mother and I learned that she was on her way home to a small town in Connecticut on a later flight than ours. They'd travelled to Los Angeles for a doctor's appointment - one that they'd hoped would help cure the girl's lung disease, but that hadn't worked quite the way they'd hoped. I held her hand as she struggled to make words, and I smiled and answered questions they had about the other fellas, and when they returned from dinner, they introduced themselves as well.

When it was time to get on the plane, I said good bye to them, giving the girl a quick kiss on her forehead, and hugging her mom. "Thank you," her mother gasped into my ear, "For making my daughter smile like this. She hasn't in so long."

"I am the one that should be thanking both of you," I replied. And I tore away, leaving them there and following Johnny, Lou, Nick, and the other guys onto the plane that was going to carry us back to New York.

We landed in Albany to another round of the typical show day routine. We traveled overnight in the bus back to New York City and got a hotel room, since we had two days in the city. At the hotel, Nick grabbed Lou, "Can I room with Brian again?" he asked. And Lou, though hesitant, allowed our rooming assignments to revert back to the old norm.

"What made you request me as your roomie again?" I asked Nick as we dropped our bags on the floor of the room. "Couldn't stand AJ anymore?" I teased.

Nick looked at me serious, "Well, you bought a ring," he said.

"Yeah?"

He shrugged, "She's coming on the next leg, right?"

I nodded.

Nick shrugged again. "So this might be the last time we room together," he said. And when he put it like that, it was incredibly sad.

I laid down on the bed and watched as he did his weird little routines. He set up his video games and dug in his suitcase for the clothes he wanted to wear the next day, which he left on the back of a chair. Then he crawled into bed and was silent a moment.

"I'm gonna be eighteen tomorrow," he said suddenly.

"That you are," I answered, nodding.

He looked over at me, "It's a really high-repressure age to be," he said.

"Why's that?" I asked.

"Because at eighteen you're like an adult but not really and people expect you to act like one but you aren't one at the same time. And because have you ever thought about how many songs there are about being eighteen? There's a ton!"

"Yeah there is," I agreed.

He fell asleep quickly and I was left in the dark to think. I glanced over at him. Nick, a grown up. The idea was baffling to me as I pictured him as I'd first seen him - a tiny lil pipsqueak of a kid with a shock of blonde hair and more energy than could be reckoned with. Now, he looked almost like an adult.

The next morning I woke up to the sound of him bumping around in the bathroom. He had the door open and I saw in the mirror opposite the door that he was standing in front of the sink, leaned far over. "Damn it," he muttered.

I rolled out of bed and went around the corner. Nick was attempting to shave. Shave what, I hadn't the faintest considering his face was smoother than a baby's bottom. I watched him for a moment as he knicked his chin and tried to plug the bleeding with his finger. "Need some help?" I asked him.

He turned around, "Yes that would be brilliant," he replied.

I turned back to the room and opened my duffle bag and pulled out the huge ziplock that held my shaving stuff. I returned a moment later with the kit, filled the sink with cold water, tossed in the razor, and squirted some of the oil onto his hands. "Here, rub this all over your chin."

Nick did as he was told.

I handed him the shaving cream. "Smear this on there, too, so it turns white." Nick followed instructions and I fished out the razor from the icy water. "Okay, now you pull the razor from your cheek downward in small little patches." I handed it to him.

Nick put the razor to his face, "Shit it's cold."

"It helps the blades run more smoothly on your face," I explained. Nick frowned and started to press the blades to his cheek. "Tighten your skin with your other hand, like this." I put my hands up on my face like I was about to shave, too. Nick copied me, and dragged the blade down, wiping away the cream. "And you can just swish the blade in the water to get that off there..." he did that, "And repeat the process."

I watched as Nick started working at the cream. There wasn't any hair to get off there but he got the cream off, working diligently like he had something to shave. It reminded me of when my father taught me how to shave, when I was thirteen. I stared at Nick and wondered why nobody had taught him before now. When he was finished, he grinned, barefaced, into the mirror, proud of himself.

"See, nothin' to it," I said, smiling.

Nick turned to me, "Thanks Bri."

"No problem," I replied.

A knock on our door made Nick bound out of the bathroom and I started picking up the mess he'd managed to make. I heard Kevin's voice and a moment later, Kevin was standing in the bathroom with us. "We've gotta get down town," he said.

"Notice anything different about me?" Nick asked, looking at Kevin and tilting his chin a bit.

Kevin stared at him for a long moment. He clearly did not see it. There wasn't anything to see so you can't blame him. I held up the razor behind Nick's back. "You shaved," Kevin said. "Nice."

Nick grinned.

We headed downtown and did a radio appearance, followed by stopping at MTV studios for Total Request Live, where Carson Daly and the crew had a birthday cake for Nick. The fans waved, holding Happy 18th Birthday signs up at him and Nick grinned and waved back. We waded through a sea of fans to get back to the tour bus and when we reached it Nick was laden with bags and presents and even had a party hat strapped to his head. He grinned like he was a pirate collecting loot and planted himself in the breakfast booth with his goods and unwrapped them all finding t-shirts and books and video games and candy he'd talked about in interviews over the last five years.

He got even more presents at the meet and greet, and when we got to the wardrobe afterwards he held up a post it note with a phone number. "That one lady stuck this in my pocket and whispered since I was legal now I should call her sometime," he bragged.

"Was that the lady with the walker?" AJ teased him.

Nick stuck his tongue out at him.

After the show, we took Nick out to dinner and the restaurant brought him a cake with long candles that sparked like those firecracker things little kids play with on the 4th of July, and Nick clapped his hands when he saw the cake and crowed with excitement when he found out it was chocolate-chocolate. Even Lou yelling at him to quiet down didn't dampen his excitement and he blew out the candles and sucked the frosting off the bottom of them happily.

Back at the hotel, Nick lay on his back in his bed upside down playing Frogger on his Nintendo system. "Did you have a good birthday?" I asked him as I swallowed my last couple aspirin for the night.

"Yeah," Nick nodded.

"Good." I got in bed and watched him play the game. It was impressive he could do it so well while hanging his head upside down over the side of the bed.

"My mom didn't call," he said after a couple moments of silence. He paused the game and sat up, his face red from having been overturned so long, his hair frizzy and disheveled. "I think she's still mad about the Johnny thing," he confessed.

"She shouldn't be," I said.

He frowned.

"Maybe you should call her."

"It's too late," Nick replied.

"Call her tomorrow."

"Yeah." He flopped back down and hung over the bed again and started the game back up and we fell into silence once more.

I felt bad for Nick because he had a weird life. He didn't have a bad enough family situation to really call himself abused but he also didn't really have a good one, either. It was kinda in between. I wondered what I would've felt like if my mother forgot to call me on my birthday. My mother hadn't missed a single birthday of mine ever. In fact, even the year I hadn't been home she'd still managed to call me at exactly my birth hour to tell me happy birthday.

I realized, watching Nick's pixelated frog jump from space to space on the screen that I'd taken that for granted all my life.

The next day was our free day and Nick sat on the end of his bed playing video games most of the morning. Around noon, I suggested we go to lunch and we got hot subs and coffees and wandered around New York City. We trolled around the record stores and rode the subway. We went back to the hotel, where Nick called his mother and I went to inspect the hotel swimming pool. That night, we met up with the other guys at dinner and was pleasantly surprised to find neither Lou nor Johnny were at the table and we were free to goof off and talk without them listening in. We talked about me and Kevin getting engaged and how AJ's mystery girl was getting to be too much and he thought he might break it off.

"You're quiet," Howie commented, looking at Nick, who had, indeed, been quiet during the entire meal.

Nick looked up from the broccoli he was avoiding eating on his plate. He looked at each of us in turn, then he took a deep breath, "My mother's mad at me," he replied.

"For what?" Howie asked.

Nick looked at me, then at AJ, and I realized he'd probably told AJ the whole story, too. "I just told her I wasn't getting along with Lou that's all," he said.

AJ was looking at me now, evidently making the same realization that I was, that we both knew what was going on. We did that thing where our eyes met over the table and we had a silent conversation.

"That's a stupid reason to be mad at you," Kevin replied.

Nick shrugged.

AJ suddenly jumped up from the table. "Gotta whiz!" he said a little too loudly. A woman behind him looked over, disgusted.

"Thanks for announcing it," Kevin replied, rolling his eyes.

"I'll go with you," I said, standing up too.

AJ nodded and we took off to the bathrooms, where he checked the stalls for other occupants, then locked the rest room to keep other people out, like we were in Fight Club or something. He looked at me. "You know," he said.

"Yeah, I know."

AJ started pacing. "Jesus, I'm so glad I ain't the only person he's told," he said, rubbing the back of his neck. He looked at me. "How bad do you think it is?"

"He told me nothing's really happened, it's just been suggested very strongly," I answered.

AJ looked relieved. "He told me by accident," he confessed.

"By accident?"

"Yeah," AJ said, "This one night we were doing pot..."

"What?!"

"...and he just out and said it and I was so freaked out it totally killed the buzz and I've been thinking about it since," AJ said, still pacing.

I stared at my feet. "You guys gotta stop with the drugs," I said flatly.

AJ paused in his pacing, "I told him not to get involved in the things that I do," he said seriously, "I told him I'm bad news."

"You shouldn't be doing it either," I said.

AJ's eyes were sad, "I don't have a choice."

"Of course you have a choice," I answered.

He shrugged, "It all hurts too much sober," he replied. He started pacing again.

"AJ --" I started, but he shook his head to stop me.

"We're here to talk about Nick, not me," he said.

"You aren't an island you know," I said quietly. "Like I told Nick, we're brothers first, not just bandmates. If you need to talk, I'm here for you, you know that?"

"Yeah I know," AJ answered. He sighed, "Who do we tell about this Nick and Lou thing?"

"I don't know," I said, "I wish I knew but I don't know."

There was a thumping and banging at the door and someone yelled in asking if anyone was in there, so AJ unlocked the door and we went back to the table to finish dinner. Kevin made a joke about us both having gone to the bathroom together, like girls, and Nick laughed. I looked around the table at each of my friends faces and wondered when we stopped noticing each other's pains.

Chapter Eighteen


We drove from New York to Indiana overnight and despite having spent most of that journey asleep, I still felt cooped up. I found myself staring out the window by the breakfast booth, watching the world pass by the bus as it moved down the interstate. Nick and I played Battleship and Kevin joined us in a couple rounds of Clue, but there wasn't much else to do on board the bus, and by the time we reached Indianapolis, I felt frustrated and Cabin Fever had begun to sink in.

The dull ache in my chest that had replaced the pain I'd felt in California still hadn't gone away.

When we arrived to the hotel, I thought I was going to explode with pent up energy and nerves from my aching chest and I burned off the energy the way I typically did - by goofing off. Nick and I were pushing each other and laughing on the sidewalk outside the hotel while AJ smoked a cigarette several feet away and Lou finished checking us in. Johnny stood a few feet away on his cell phone, and the busboys were helping to unload the bus' compartments.

I threw myself into a handstand, balancing myself and walking on my hands. Nick laughed, "You look funny when you do that," he jested.

"But I can do it, I'd like to see you do it," I said. Nick attempted it, but just fell right back down to the cement, laughing as he belly flopped onto the sidewalk.

"No killing yourselves," Lou snapped as he waddled back out of the hotel, "We don't have time for you knuckleheads to kill yourselves." He boarded the bus and disappeared.

AJ coughed as he walked by us, on his way into the hotel, but I'm pretty sure he only coughed to cover the words fat bastard, which made Nick laugh in a hyperactive Muppet sort of way. I dropped to my feet again and stood up right. Nick pointed at my hair, "Dude you look electricuted," he laughed.

"But again, I can do it, which is more than you can say," I answered.

"You can only do it for a second," Nick answered, "You ain't that good."

I snorted, "Of course I am."

"Nope," Nick shook his head, "Flat terrain and only for a second. That's kinda lame actually."

"Okay fine, what would be impressive to you then?" I asked.

Nick looked around. "Walk on that," he said, pointing to Kevin's footlocker trunk.

I looked at it, "It's also flat, dumbass," I laughed.

"No no start where you are, walk over to it, then climb up on it, walk across it, and then you can flip off it or whatever," Nick replied, nodding, "That would be cool."

"That's easy."

"Maybe but you can't do it."

"How much you wanna bet?" I demanded.

Nick fished in his pocket. "Ten bucks," he answered.

"Okay." I flipped forward onto my hands and twisted my head to watch where I was going.

"Look at you, a stunt man," Nick laughed.

I moved across the sidewalk on my hands, got to Kevin's trunk without any problems, and went to climb up on it... but my weight was bigger than that of Kevin's trunk, and it flipped forward and I went down. Hard. I smacked my head on the cement with a crunch and fell onto my stomach.

I'm not positive, but I might've been knocked out for a second, and I say that only because the next thing I knew Nick was leaning over me, worried, and Lou was off the bus yelling about what had he just told us, and how fucking around never paid off and Johnny was off his cell phone and hovering over Nick's shoulder, looking down at me. "Ouch," I muttered.

"You didn't die!" Nick shouted, relief obvious in his voice.

"I didn't die," I answered. I sat up and my head gave a sharp, shooting pain. "Ouch," I repeated.

"What in the hell were you thinking?" Lou demanded, his voice laced with anger.

"He just fell," Nick answered quickly.

"I'm fine," I said. But even as I said it, I brought my hand up to the back of my head and felt a little blood and knew I probably was a little less than fine.

"You're bleeding," Johnny said.

"Fucking perfect," Lou sighed in exasperation. "Why the fuck is it always drama with you kids? Why can't y'all act your age and manage to not fucking kill yourselves hours before you need to be on stage?"

I actually felt guilty for being hurt. I looked down, "I didn't mean to--"

"That's the thing," Lou snapped, "You never fucking mean to. Christ." He spat the name and I winced because the words were sharp, like swords coming out of his mouth and attacking every pore of my skin. He looked at Johnny, "I suppose one of us will have to take his ass to the hospital," he said.

"I'm fine," I said.

"I'll take him," Johnny said.

"I was just playin' around, I'm fine," I said again.

"Maybe," Johnny said, "But Lou's right, you at least need to get checked out at the hopsital."

"I wanna go with Brian," Nick whined.

"No," Lou's voice was firm, "Having one of you miss a day's work is bad enough." He glowered at me. "Get up," he snapped at Nick, "Get inside, get changed. Tell your lil buddies to get their asses downstairs." He stormed away, following Nick into the hotel, "And no more shenanigans, either, Carter..."

Johnny called a cab and we went to the hospital, then he called ahead and let them know that I was coming so that they would have an exam room ready for me. Last time one of us went to the ER - it was AJ - we were nearly mobbed in the waiting room before they got an exam room prepped. When we arrived, a nurse quickly escorted me to the room and told me to wait on the weird leather table/bed, where I sat on the very edge, nervously wringing my own shirt hem and rocking myself. Johnny stood with me a couple minutes until his phone rang and he said he had to take it and he went back outside, promising to meet me in the waiting room when I got out.

And there I sat, alone.

When the nurse finally came back, she took my blood pressure and temperature and all that fun stuff and made notes. "Your pressure's really high," she commented.

"Stress probably," I replied.

She looked at me with concern, "Are you on any BP medications?" she asked.

"No," I replied.

She took a few more meds, then disappeared out of the exam room. Another thirty minutes passed before a kind-faced doctor came in. He smiled and leaned close to examine my head. "That looks like it hurts," he commented. I felt like saying duh but I just nodded. "We're gonna get a quick look and make sure there's no internal damages, then we'll let you go, how's that?"

"Perfect," I replied.

He looked at me for a long moment. "Do you have pain in your chest?" he asked. Until he asked, I hadn't realized I'd been rubbing my chest.

I shook my head, "I'm okay."

"I can send cardiology in to --"

"I'm fine," I insisted.

I was sent off to get checked and my scans came back clear, so the doctor came back and told me that m head looked okay. He looked at my chart, "I do however want to do a consult with cardiology because your blood pressure is really abnormal for your weight --"

"I'm fine," I replied. Which was more than I'd be able to say if Johnny didn't get me back to the venue before the show -- which gave us less than an hour.

"I understand you just want to get out of here, but it's really important that if something is going on with your heart that you catch it early because --"

I interrupted him, "Trust me I know all about heart issues and how important they are."

"Then you understand why I've paged cardiology to--"

"No," I said. I cleared my throat, "I don't have time right now to do a consult with cardiology. I have an appointment with my cardiologist at home next week when I get done with this leg of the tour."

He was still looking down at my chart. "I see here that you had a murmur as a child..."

"I seriously don't have time for this," I said, "Can you just get me out of here?"

He looked up at me. "Brian, it will only take a couple of --"

"I said NO, God damn it," I shouted.

In the stunned silence that followed, the doctor nodded. "Okay then. I'll have the nurses get your release papers. You'll have to sign an form stating that you left against medical advice," he said.

"Fine, fine, whatever, just get me out of here." All I could picture was how pissed off Lou would be if I wasn't at the show.

The doctor spun and left the room.

The exam room seemed so much bigger than it had moments before. I sat on the edge of the bed, and stared down at my toes. My heart thumped in my chest and for a moment oxygen seemed to forget its path to my lungs as I choked back tears. I could feel my heart doing it crazy irregular dance in my chest and I closed my eyes.

"Please," I mumbled under my breath. Though who I was speaking to - myself? my tears? my heart? God? - "I can't cry," I added. "I can't. Not here. Not now. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts..." I thought about the comic book that Nick had given me for Christmas, and the fans that I'd met so far on the tour, and seeing Boyz II Men, and the light in Nick's eyes when he'd successfully shaved himself. I thought about Leighanne and the ring and the improvement to my golf swing that her father had taught me.

But whatever I did, I did not cry.

My signature was dark and violent on the AMA form the doctor returned with a few moments later, as though I wanted to really drive home my point that I meant it when I said no. It was oddly freeing feeling to say no and have someone listen to you, to be able to opt out of a plan someone had made for you, to do what you wanted to do.

"Promise me that you'll see someone about your heart soon, Brian," the doctor said, his voice low and full of emphasis.

"I will, I have an appointment," I replied.

"Okay." He nodded.

A nurse brought in my discharge papers and I left the exam room with nothing more than a bandage and the faint worry that I'd develop a bald spot thanks to the small amount of stitches they'd had to do to seal up my wound. I wandered out of the ER to find Johnny standing out on the sidewalk, still on his phone. He called another cab and we rode to the venue top-speed, Johnny never once asking how I was.

When we got to the venue, I was rushed though the steps to prep for the concert, and the next thing I knew I was waiting to go on stage. Nick nudged me in the dark, "How's ya head?" he asked.

"Stitches," I replied.

"That's rough," Nick replied.

There was a time in my life that stitches would've been akin to bed rest and my mom would've brought me breakfast in bed. But there was no time for things like that these days, and that's how I found myself on stage with my hair carefully arrange to cover the stitches.

That night, I had another dream. In it, I was on the stage once again, and my heart stopped, and I could see all of the fans watching and they started to panic as I lost my ability to breathe. I fell onto the stage floor and Lou was there and once again he reached down and pulled my heart right out of my chest, his eyes stone-cold and feirce. But this time, the other fellas gathered around and they all started reaching hungrily for my heart as it dangled there from Lou's blood soaked hands. It was like they were all fighting over it. Even Nick.

I sat up in bed, coated in sweat, goosebumps up my arm, and my throat seemed to close as I gasped into the dark. I hugged my knees to my chest and buried my face into them, rocking myself as quietly as I could on the bed.

The light went on beside me. "Brian?"

"I'm fine," I said.

Nick stared at me from his own bed, "You sure don't look it," he said.

"But I am," I answered, shaking my head, "I am. I have to be."

Nick was quiet for a moment. "Is it your head?" he asked, "Does it hurt?"

"No," I replied, "It's not my head."

"Your heart?" he asked.

"You have no idea," I answered quietly.

"Can I do anything?" he asked.

"No," I replied, "You can't do a thing."

The next two days consisted of Kansas City and Dallas, and the time seemed to drag by, too slow. My chest ached constantly the whole time, and I finished yet another bottle of aspirin. The words the doctor had said about getting checked echoed in my head, and I thought about how worried my mother would be if she knew what I was going through.

On February 1st, after the show in Dallas came to a close, we arrived at the airport tired and disheveled. Lou, Kevin, Howie, AJ and I were all taking one flight to Orlando, Johnny was going to New York to meet up with NSYNC on their promo run for their first single release, and Nick was flying to Tampa. It felt weird when we passed security in the airport for Nick to be going the opposite direction than I was going. I gave him a hug. "Be good buddy," I said.

Nick squeezed me. "You too," he said. "I hope your head feels better and stuff."

"Thanks," I replied.

Nick looked back twice as he walked down the airport toward his terminal and the rest of us headed towards ours. He waved before he turned a corner, and I waved back.

"It's quiet without him," Howie complained within five minutes' time.

Kevin laughed, "You spent the whole tour ready to kill the guy and he's gone and you complain about it?"

Howie shrugged, "It's our thing."

Chapter Nineteen


"I was starting to wonder if you died up there," Kevin said as I slid into a seat at the kitchen table in our apartment three days later. "I knocked a couple times yesterday and didn't even get a grunt of a response."

I'd hit the pillow on my bed when we got home and other than a few brief bathroom breaks I'd been dead to the world since. I had no dreams to show for the time, just a refreshed attitude. My chest had stopped aching at last, and I was in the process of convincing myself that it had been just the stress of the tour bothering me all that time.

"Sorry," I replied, "I was tired."

Howie was standing at the stove stirring something that smelled like it was burning. "Tired," he laughed, "Tired. I'll say you were tired. You looked like a zombie."

Kevin nodded and took a bite out of an apple, dropped into the seat across from me and picked up the news paper. "Your lady's been here a couple times now," he murmured from behind the Orlando Sentinel.

I grabbed the edge of the paper and pulled it down to see Kevin's face. "Excuse me?" I demanded.

Kevin looked up from whatever article I'd just interrupted him reading. "You heard me," he replied. "She wanted you to give her a call when you woke up," he added.

"Someone's got a booty call," Howie sing-songed from the stove.

"Nuh uh, shut up," I said, jumping up and running for the phone in my barefeet.

"Boo-oo-oo-oo-ooooty call," Howie did a lil dance at the stove as he sang. I grabbed an orange from a bowl on the counter and haucked it at him, then took the phone and went down the hallway as far as the modem cord would stretch to get away. I could still hear Howie and he'd started beat-boxing the bow chicka bow bow porno music. Kevin was laughing.

Ignoring them and sitting on the floor, I quickly dialed Leighanne's number, which I'd memorized by heart.

"Hey," I said when she'd picked up the phone, "I'm awake."

Leighanne laughed, "You know, in the fairy tales, its the princess who sleeps for ridiculous amounts of time, right?" she asked.

"Yeah well I've never been conventional," I chided.

"This is true," she agreed, and I could hear the smile in her voice. "So how are you feeling? Revived?"

"And refreshed," I replied proudly. "How're you?"

"Oh well I guess it's my turn to be the tired one," she replied, "I've been working on that commercial all week I'm basically exhausted... Cameras and crews and craziness..."

"Don't I know how that feels," I said.

Leighanne laughed. "I was just on my way to the beach for the day, you wanna come?"

Leighanne on the beach meant bikinis and me having to put sunscreen on her. Did I want to come? Was she seriously even asking?

"Um yes of course," I replied.

"Okay," she laughed. "I'll pick you up in a few minutes?"

"I'll pick you up," I answered, "I haven't driven in forever..." I added.

"Okay," Leighanne laughed, "I'll see you when you get here. I'll work on packing us a lunch."

"Yum."

"You like pickles?"

"Love'em."

"I'll pack extra."

"Okay, you pack the pickles."

Howie walked by, "Told'ja it was a booty call," he said, kicking my foot.

I glowered at him.

"Was that Howie?" Leighanne asked, "What'd he say?"

"Howie's uncool, way uncool," I answered. "I'll be there in a half hour," I said quickly, "Loveyabye!"

I got up and coiled the phone cord back into the kitchen. Kevin was still reading the newspaper. He glanced up. "Well?"

"Going to the beach," I answered.

"Have fun," he said.

I grabbed an orange and peeled it as I walked back to my room at the far end of the hall to get ready. I tossed the peels into the trash bucket under my desk and stuffed a slice of the orange in my mouth as I started pulling open drawers looking for something to wear. It was too cold to wear trunks or to go swimming, so I ended up settling on a pair of khakis and a long sleeved shirt. I tugged on my Kentucky Wildcats cap and my favorite sneakers and tucked the ring in my pants pocket with my wallet. Grabbing my orange, I headed back out to the kitchen. "See ya later, Kev."

"Yep," Kev replied.

Howie came up behind me, "Going to answer the booty call?" he asked.

"Going to the beach," I answered.

"Wear a condom," he replied.

I rolled my eyes and ducked out of the kitchen. "It wasn't a booty call," I yelled as I ducked out the front door and went down the steps that led to the parking lot. My blue SUV was waiting for me, just where I'd left it, and I hugged the front of it melodramatically. "Ah I missed ya Steve," I said - because yes, I'd named my vehicle Steve. My car didn't respond of course, other than to viciously hum and growl once I'd turned on the engine.

I drove over to Leighanne's house which was on the otherside of the city on the outskirts. I parked in the driveway behind her little white car and jogged up to the door. She opened it right after I'd rung the bell and was wearing a yellow sundress with little purple flowers all over it. She looked beautiful - and I rather enjoyed the way the dress was cut if you know what I'm saying. I leaned in to kiss her, "Hey," I said, "I missed you. You look gorgeous."

Leighanne smiled and kissed me back, "Thanks," she replied. "I'm just finishing up packing the lunch. Come in." She led the way back through the small home to the kitchen, where she had a stack of sandwiches made and was putting them into a picnic basket. I watched, leaning against the frame of the door, smiling. Only Leighanne would actually own a real picnic basket. It looked like something out of Yogi Bear cartoons, complete with the red and white checkered table cloth and everything. "I packed extra pickles and crackers with cheese and some juices," she was saying as she laid the sandwiches into the basket. "I hope you don't mind they're juice boxes, I find they're easiest to toss into a bag when you're gonna be out for the day so I stock up on them," she was rambling as she worked. "Juicy Juice," she said, "Fruit Punch."

"Sounds perfect," I replied.

Leighanne looked over at me, "Yeah? You aren't thinking how lame juice boxes are?"

"Juice boxes were always a favorite," I answered. "I'm pretty sure that I still have some of the green Little Hugs in my fridge at home if it helps?"

She smiled, "Well I'm glad to know I won't be judged for my juice boxes then."

"At least yours are like 5% juice," I said, nodding, "Mine are 100% sugar concentrate."

She laughed, "It explains a lot if you drink them frequently."

"I'm naturally hyperactive, babe," I replied.

Leighanne hoisted the picnic basket off the counter, but I swooped over and took it away. "Let me carry that, it looks heavy," I said, tucking it into the crook of my arm.

"Are you sure you're okay to?" she asked, concern on her face.

I sighed. I had worried about this. "I'm fine," I replied, "I'm not weak or broken or anything like that. I'm fine."

Leighanne frowned, "I didn't mean that you were weak or broken," she said, "I was just making sure it wasn't going to strain you where you've been having the problems."

"I'm fine," I replied.

She led the way back out to the door, grabbing her purse and a blanket that she'd put on a chair in the entry way. "Did you make an appointment yet?" she asked.

"No," I said. I'd lied to the ER doctor in Indiana, but I couldn't lie to Leighanne, "Not quite yet. I was going to today, but --"

"No buts Mr. Littrell," she replied.

We walked across her front yard to Steve and I put the picnic basket in the back and climbed into the driver's seat. She had the blanket and her purse tucked neatly on her lap. "I'm serious," she said after I'd gotten in and my seatbelt had clicked into place, "You shouldn't be waiting and putting this off, not even for me and my silly beach date."

"I'll make it tomorrow, one extra day won't kill me," I replied. I winked.

Leighanne sighed, "Okay, you're right. But you need to do it tomorrow."

"I will," I answered.

"Okay." She smiled, "Then let's have fun today."

"That I can do." I pecked her cheek.

We drove to the Canaveral National Seashore, about an hour away, the radio playing and the windows down. The air was cool, and Leighanne had a scarf tied around her hair and sunglasses on. She looked like she belonged in the 1950s or something, and she smiled and ran her hands through the air alongside the car.

Canaveral is one of my favorite beaches in Florida because they've got this amazing wildlife program, including sea turtles that hatch there every year. Birds fill the area during the dry winter season, and there's a ton of great hiking trails. We parked the car and I carried the picnic basket and Leighanne carried the blanket and we walked along the Castle Windy trail that led in to the Mosquito Lagoon side of the islands. Trees overhang the walking trail along Castle Windy the way they do in the movies, which is another of my reasons I really like Canaveral. It's just such a beautiful place, and it's laden with history from the Native American tribes that inhabited it so long ago.

Leighanne and I walked along the trail, talking about whatever came to mind. Birds scattered through the trees as we walked and we passed another couple - an older couple with a dog - who said hello. Leighanne smiled after they'd rounded the corner and were out of ear shot. "Isn't that sweet?" she asked, "I want that someday."

"A dog?" I teased.

She laughed, "No. Well yes, but also no. I want to be married and go walking even when I'm old." She smiled.

"That'd be nice," I answered.

We reached this old bridge that zig-zagged over one of the many channels that broke up the land along the cape and Leighanne spread the blanket along the edge and I put the basket down. We climbed up on the railing of the bridge and looked down at the water as it moved along below us. A bird of some sort was poking around fishing a few feet away and we watched him. Leighanne pulled a camera out of her purse and snapped a picture of it, then turned and snapped one of me. We played Pooh Sticks - you know, like Winnie the Pooh and his buddies play in that Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day? Leighanne laughed as we watched her pinecone outspeed my stick and I called for a rematch. "Sore loser," she whispered as she laid a kiss on my cheek.

"I'm just competitive," I replied, kissing her back.

"Mmm, it's Nick's fault you're so competitive I suppose?" she asked.

"Actually I blame Kevin," I answered.

She laughed, "Kevin?"

"Yes, he was always trying to beat me at Monopoly when we were kids," I answered. "But he couldn't because I'm the king of Monopoly."

Leighanne kissed me softly. "I probably could beat you at Monopoly," she said, "I have an undefeated record."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah."

"If I had it with me I'd whip it out and challenge you," I whispered, our lips touching still.

"Oh you'd whip it out would you?" she asked, her voice husky.

"Mmm," I answered, nodding slightly.

We locked in a kiss for a few minutes and my hand rested on her thigh, our legs hanging over the side of the bridge. I thought I might be rounding a couple bases until she pulled away and laughed breathlessly. "Aren't you hungry?" she asked, reaching for the picnic basket we'd been leaning over during our kiss.

"Uh.. yeah, sure," I replied, a bit disoriented from all the hormones that were flying all over my body. I was pretty sure my nervous system was on fire.

Leighanne opened the basket and handed me a sandwich. It was balogna with ketchup and it was warm but in that delightful way that food gets warm on a picnic that made it delicious instead of gross. We ate sandwiches and pickles and cheese crackers and drank juice boxes and talked some more. I felt like I could spent my entire life with her right there in the middle of the trees on the Castle Windy trail.

I slid my hand into my pocket and felt the ring box there, pressing against my leg. I stared at her, sitting across the picnic basket from me, talking, smiling, her hair shining in the light that filtered through the leaves. I wondered if the right moment was now, if I should pull the ring out and ask her. Yes, do it, my inner voice told me, and I started to slide the ring out of my pocket.

"Leighanne," I said, my voice serious, "We've been together a long time now," I started.

"Almost eight months now," she answered, smiling.

I nodded, "Yeah, almost eight whole months, and I've never been happier than I am when I am with you."

"Aw Brian," she smiled.

"Leighanne," I said, clearing my throat, "I have a question."

"Yes, Brian?"

My fingers started to slide the ring from my pocket. "Will you --" And that's when that dog the old people had suddenly came running across the bridge and licked my face, effectively interrupting me.

"Ugh!" I yelled. The dog barked and ran back into the trees.

"Oh gosh, do you think he's lost, Brian?" Leighanne asked, concerned and completely distracted from what I'd been about to ask.

I wiped the dog's spit from my face, "I don't know," I answered, "Good Lord he has some nasty spit though."

She peered past me, into the trees. "Should we go find him?"

I started to answer - I was gonna say that anything with that much drool in its mouth would fare a-okay on its own - when he came back, bounding around the trees, barking, followed by the couple we'd passed earlier, who were now windblown and happy looking. They were well into their seventies by the looks, and the dog bounded ahead of them playfully.

Leighanne looked relieved to see the dog was with his people.

Personally, I was just glad I didn't have to hunt him down with his big drooly tongue.

They passed by us once more, and disappeared with their barking drooling dog, and Leighanne smiled after they'd gone. "They're so sweet," she drawled, "Did you see how he was holding her hand?"

I hadn't.

Leighanne sighed, smiling. She turned back to me. "What were you going to ask me, sweetie?" she asked, snapping back to our conversation pre-dog.

I realized I still had my hand around the ring box in my pocket. But the moment had passed thanks to Snoopy the Hell Hound and I pushed the ring back in all the way and removed my hand. "I was just going to ask if you wanted to go back and walk on the beach," I replied.

A smile spread across Leighanne's face, "Yes, let's do that."

We packed up the picnic basket and folded the blanket and walked back to the car. She slipped her fingers through mine as we walked and I looked down at our clasped hands and she smiled up at me and I leaned over and kissed her head. Outside, I was smiling like crazy at her and laughing and talking and playing around like normal; but inside, I was cursing that dog to canine hell for interrupting.

Chapter Twenty


"So let me get this straight," Kevin was laying on the couch in the living room that night, and I was standing between him and the TV. "You went to propose and got interrupted by a dog?"

"Yes," I answered.

Kevin snorted, "That's classic, cuz."

"We were just sitting there, eating balogna sandwiches, and I don't know, it just felt right because of the light and the trees and the Pooh Sticks."

"The what?"

"The Pooh Sticks."

Kevin stared at me.

"You know like in that one Pooh cartoon with the sticks and they throw them on the bridge and the red balloon and all that?" I asked. He evidently did not because he kept staring at me. "Never mind. Leighanne knew what I meant. But that's why. And the moment was there and I started to ask, I told her she makes me happy and all that and I had the ring almost out of my pocket and wham this dog just like comes running out of nowhere and attacks me..."

"Attacks you?" Kevin raised a bushy eyebrow.

"Yes, attacks me."

Kevin's eyebrow remained up.

"Okay so he licked my face, but that's the same thing," I said. "Especially considering how much spit this dog was sporting. I mean seriously he was like a drool factory."

"Uh huh," Kevin said nodding, "So he attacks you and what? You just pussy out?"

"No," I said, "I wasn't scared to do it, it just - wasn't the right moment after that." I sighed and threw myself into the bean bag chair we had next to the sofa. It gave a huff under me as it shaped to my body. "I just want to ask, you know? I just want her to say yes, I just want it all to go smoothly and be perfect, you know?"

Kevin nodded. He turned back to the TV guide he had balancing on the arm of the sofa and started scanning through the programs listed intently. "I asked Kristin," he said in a calm, bland tone, "She said yes."

"What?" I demanded, "Dude, when?"

Kevin looked up, "Oh, one of the days you were asleep or whatever. We went to dinner. I just asked her." He shrugged.

I smacked my forehead, "Oh for the love of Pete."

"What?"

"You make it sound easy," I replied.

Kevin thought about it a moment. "Well I guess it was once I did it." He shrugged. "I guess most things are easy once you've done them."

I shook my head.

"You'll ask her when the time is right," Kevin said.

"I just wish it would be right already," I answered.

That night, I sat at my desk writing out ideas for things I wanted to say to Leighanne when I proposed. The canary yellow legal pad made me think of her canary yellow diamond and I wondered when I'd ever get the nerve to utter any of the words I was writing down. I stared at my handwriting, scrawling out my heart: You make me feel like I need you. We can share our dreams coming true. I can show you what true love means if you'll just take my hand. Baby, please.

I shook my head. It sounded corny. Like something we'd sing on the radio. I shoved the pad of paper into my desk drawer and turned off my lamp and threw myself onto my bed, where I sprawled and stared at the ceiling.

What if, that little voice in my head asked, she says no when you finally get the nerve up to ask?

And I realized for the first time that I was actually kind of terrified about asking her.

The next morning, I woke up from a restless night. I don't really know what I dreamed, I just know it left me feeling still tired after nine hours of sleep. I showered and wandered down to the kitchen where Kevin was again reading the morning paper. I poured coffee and sat down across from him, pulling the comics and sports sections towards me.

This became the routine over the next couple days. I'd go out on a date with Leighanne, start to get up the nerve to make the moment like Kevin had, and then something would either interrupt me or I'd chicken out and I wouldn't follow through, then I'd come home, stare at those cheesy words on my pad of paper, have a restless night, and read the funnies the next morning in the kitchen, full of self loathing and sipping on coffee.

It was almost a week into our break, when Kevin looked up over the edge of the paper as I poured myself the coffee.

"Did you see what's on our living room couch?" he asked.

"The living room couch?" I asked.

Kevin ducked back under the newspaper.

Curiousity got the best of me and I abandoned my coffee mug there on the counter and went out to the living room. Nick was asleep on the couch, his backpack on the floor beside him, his face smooshed into a the cushion. One shoe off and one shoe on, he was too long for the couch and his legs stuck up at an odd angle. I stared at him for a moment. "Nick?" I asked, "What the hell are you doing here?"

He rolled onto his side and looked up at me, his eyes were red. "Hey," he said.

"Hey," I answered as he blinked up at me, waking up. "What're you doing here?" I asked again.

Nick rubbed his hand across his nose. "I had to get out. My family was driving me crazy."

"How'd you get here?" I asked. Nick didn't have a license yet because of all our traveling around. I sat down on the bean bag chair as Nick rolled to sit up. "You didn't like walk or something stupid like that did you?"

"I took a bus," he answered.

I sighed, "What happened?"

Nick glanced toward the kitchen, "My mom told my dad about what I told her about Lou and my dad got pissed and said I was a liar and I don't know, they started fighting because as soon as my dad thought I was a liar my mom of course jumped on my side just 'cos she hates being on his side so much." He shook his head, "I don't know. They fight all the damn time now, and my sisters were driving me nuts and Aaron's just -- I don't know. I just needed to get away for awhile, you know?"

I nodded. "I'm glad you came here."

"Yeah me too."

"Howie missed you."

Nick laughed, "Yeah right."

"No seriously like four seconds after you left us at the airport, he was all I miss Nick and stuff," I exaggerated.

Nick laughed. "He's my favorite Backstreet Boy. No offense or nothing."

"None taken," I replied.

Nick followed me into the kitchen after that to get some breakfast. I made some scrambled eggs and bacon and we sat at the table and he read the funnies while I read the sports page, then we switched. Howie came wandering into the kitchen about twenty minutes later, half asleep, and greeted us, "Morning Kev. Morning Bri. Morning Nick." He picked up the coffee stein and started pouring coffee into a mug before he realized what he'd just said and turned around, "Nick? What in the hell are you doing here?"

"Don't act tee'd off, Howard," Nick said, "You missed me, I heard all about it."

Howie muttered something in Spanish and turned back to his coffee.

Nick leaped to his feet and hugged Howie from behind, making him spill just a little bit of coffee down his front. "You love me, you really love me!" Nick gasped as he squeezed.

"Dude you made me spill the Java all over my pants," Howie gasped. "It's hot and it's creeping down my balls. Thanks for that."

Nick laughed, "That sounds so wrong."

Kevin was giving Nick the Dirty Brow even over the paper. Kevin doesn't like being interrupted while he reads the paper.

Howie sat down, sopping his lap with a paper towel and the for of us ate, read, and drank in silence. After a long moment, Nick said, "Dude it's just like we were on tour only without AJ, huh? Isn't this fun?"

"We just got off tour," Howie answered in a low voice, "How can you miss that already? Aren't you tired?" Nick shook his head. "Are you a cyborg or something?" Howie asked, reaching over and knocking on Nick's scalp.

"Isn't a cyborg one of those things with only one eye?" Nick questioned.

"That's a cyclops," Kevin's input came from behind the paper.

"Cyborgs are like C3PO," I said, "Androids."

"Actually cyborgs are technologically enhanced organisms, and androids are strictly robotics designed to look human," Kevin corrected me.

Howie stared at the back of Kevin's paper for a long moment. "What are you, a friggin dictionary?" he asked.

Nick laughed, "The Kevintionary?"

Kevin lowered the paper, "I'm smarter than a dictionary."

Nick looked at me, "We should go to like Disney or something. I'm bored."

"You just woke up," Kevin said, "How in the hell are you already bored?"

Howie pointed at Nick's egg laden fork, "Besides, you're currently participating in your favorite past time. Eating."

Nick stuck his tongue out at Howie and shoved the fork in his mouth. "Whatcha say, B-Rok?"

I shook my head, "Nawh, I have a date with Leighanne."

"So break it and go hang out with me instead," he said, grinning.

"I can't break it," I answered.

"But I wanna doooo somethiiiiing," Nick whined.

I shrugged, "You could come with us, I guess." Nick stared at me. Kevin lowered the paper yet again to look at me. Howie's eyebrow was raised. "What?" I asked.

"Leighanne's gonna kill you," Howie said.

"Where are you going?" Nick questioned. "Disney?" he lit up.

"I dunno, the mall maybe," I answered.

Nick deflated. "The mall? Seriously? That's a date you can't break? You're lame."

I shrugged.

"You should definitely change your plans and take me to Disney instead," he nodded vigorously.

"We aren't going to Disney," I said firmly.

A couple hours later, I was sitting in the food court at the mall with Nick, who was gnoshing down a pretzel with mustard sauce he'd bought, waiting for Leighanne.

"These pretzels have perfect salt to dough ratio," he announced as he licked his fingers loudly, "It's like a science sometimes, you know, getting the right salt to dough ratio I mean. It's like a balance. If you don't get it just right the dough is too bland or else it's too salty, you know? But it's like when you have it perfect it's like magic, right?"

I nodded, even though I didn't give a crap.

I spotted Leighanne from across the court and waved for her to join us. She smiled when she saw me, but her eyes dipped in confusion when she spotted Nick as she got closer. "Hey," she said, her voice climbing with a what is going on? sort of tone to it. She looked at Nick, "How was your birthday?" she asked.

Nick looked up at her, "An old chick offered to sleep with me as a present," he said, "And I got a cake with sparkler candles."

Oh the things Nick counted as highlights.

Leighanne nodded slowly, "Right. Well it sounds ... like.. a um, a good one. Brian - can I talk to you? Over here?" She thumbed over her shoulder and walked away.

"One sec buddy," I said, standing up and following her.

"I'll be here," Nick replied, "Me and my perfect salt-dough-ratio pretzel."

When I got over by Leighanne she whispered, "What is he doing here?"

"He had a problem with his family, he showed up at the apartment," I explained.

"Okay but why is he here, on our date?" she asked.

"Because he looked sad and wanted to come," I answered, shrugging, "I don't know. Because he's Nick and he invites himself places he's not particularly invited. It's just a part of who he is."

Leighanne sighed, "It's just I - I thought we were going to be alone, I kinda had a plan for today and --"

"It's okay, whatever we were gonna do we can still do, I'll just pay his way or whatever," I answered. "Really, he'll stay out of the way."

Leighanne raised an eyebrow, "Oh so you want him to help me pick out some lingerie then?" she asked.

I almost choked. "I'll lose the blonde."

"Good idea," she nodded.

I walked back to the table. "Hey Nick," I said, "There's a video game store over there, you might find some games you don't have yet."

He glanced over his shoulder. "What're you guys doing?"

"Stuff," I shrugged.

Nick stared at me.

I bent down and said quietly, "Look there's a really good chance if I ditch you right now I could end up with the Princess Leia and the Golden Bikini fantasy coming true, okay? She literally just said I get to help her pick some lingerie, which unless I'm very much mistaken means I'm getting laid tonight. So basically I need you to get lost for a little bit while we do that."

He glanced over my shoulder at Leighanne, who still stood a couple feet away. "She does not look like Carrie Fisher."

"Please?" I asked. "You owe me one after pulling the fire alarm last time," I reminded him.

"Oh fine," Nick replied. "I'll be at the lame ass video game store but you're not allowed to play the fire alarm card again. And now you owe me, okay?"

"Fine, fine, whatever, anything," I replied.

Nick got up, and said, loudly enough so Leighanne could hear, "I'm going to the video game store." He turrned to me, "Have fun, Luke Skywalker."

I smacked my hand to my face.

He waved and walked away.

Leighanne came over, eyebrow raised, "Luke Skywalker?"

"Inside joke," I answered.

Chapter Twenty-One


It was February 10th - over a week since we'd been home from the first leg of the tour - and I still hadn't scheduled my doctor's appointment. I don't know why, I'd promised Leighanne I would do it and then she'd forgotten to ask again and I'd just pretended to forget to actually do it. I don't know why I didn't want to call and make the appointment, but every time I'd thought about dialing my doctor's number to make it, and subsequently having to call and tell my parents that I was coming up to visit them, my stomach had turned and I'd chickened out. Much like what was happening with me asking Leighanne to marry me.

And besides, the longer I was on the break, the less I was thinking I needed the appointment anyways. The ache in my chest had barely surfaced since being on down time. I was sleeping a lot, but I was still recovering from the tour so that was to be expected, wasn't it?

Long story short, as of February 10th I still had no appointment.

Nick knocked on my bedroom door at nine in the morning - two days after the incident at the mall. I was officially used to sleeping until after ten so this was an ungodly hour in my eyes. I groaned for him to go away, and unfortunately go away apparently sounds a lot like come in to Nick, and he shoved the door open.

"Brian, I need a favor," he said.

"Ask me later, when I'm not tired and don't want to strangle you, please," I groaned, "Results will be way more favorable for you then."

"I need a ride."

"Ask... me... later..." I pulled my pillow over my head.

"I can't," he said. I felt my pillow get pulled away.

"Why?"

"Because," Nick replied, "My court hearing's at eleven."

I rolled and looked up at him.

"Remember the other day at the mall I said you owed me if I pretended to give a crap about the video game store?" he asked, "Well I need that favor."

Fifteen minutes later, I was driving Nick across the state to Tampa. He was fiddling with a tie I'd lent to him and a suitcoat we'd "borrowed" from Kevin's closet, since Kevin didn't seem to be home. Nick was fumbling with the paper Mr. Armando had given him about the hearing and tapping his foot nervously against the floor. I glanced over at him, "Relax, okay? You're gonna be fine."

"I'm just worried about the whole jail thing," he said.

"You aren't going to jail," I answered.

"I was looking it up online and I could," he replied, "I could go to jail and end up there for like three years or something."

"You were a minor at the time you did it," I answered, "Relax, you're gonna be fine."

He didn't stop tapping his foot though.

When we arrived in Tampa, we found the courthouse and I parked and Nick and I went inside. Johnny was there, along with the lawyer that he and Lou had gotten for Nick. Nick let an officer know he was there for his hearing, and the officer allowed Nick and the lawyer into the courtroom. Johnny and I were told to sit in the waiting room while he went in. Nick looked sick to his stomach as he disappared into the court room. All I could do was sit and wait, hoping that I was right and he wouldn't go to jail.

Johnny and I were there only a few moments before he received a call and had to go outside. But I heard him answer it with annoyance in his voice, "No, I'm not in New York. I had an issue with one of the Backstreet kids I had to take care of, but I'll be back to the City in the morning to sign the paperwork with Justin then..."

Even in a situation like this, he couldn't help but be on the phone about freaking NSYNC.

I felt bad for Nick the more I thought about the fact that the poor kid was going to court and I was the only person out here for him. I flipped nervously through a magazine, unable to concentrate on any of the articles, mostly just staring at the advertisements and the pictures. The longer he was in there, the worse my lack of concentration seemed to become. I wondered what in the hell they were doing that was taking so damn long.

He'd been in the courtroom almost an hour when the entry doors opened and Jane Carter came in, a flurry of energy and nerves. She strutted past me, despite the fact that I'd stood up and said "Mrs. Carter?" Instead, she went right to the cop where Nick had checked in and demanded to know where he was.

Nick's mother was always a really headstrong woman, loud and pushy in that way that overbearing parents can be sometimes. I pictured her like one of those stage moms that go psycho or whatever, to be honest. I can't imagine Nick had an easy go of it with her managing his career when he first started out. She was a little scary, actually.

The cop pointed to the area where I was waiting, "Waiting area's over there," he said dryly. "He'll be out when the hearing's over."

She turned and, wringing her pocket book strap, came my direction. She noticed me now and she frowned. "Hello," she said flatly. She sat down in the chair that I'd been occupying, so I switched chairs and sat too. She stared at me for a long moment. "Why was he pulling fire alarms?" she demanded. I could tell by the tone of her voice that she thought I'd assisted in the task and was just letting him take the heat.

"I don't know," I said.

Jane sighed. "The things he does for attention, I swear to God. You'd think we didn't pay attention to him or something. To him. Like its possible to not pay attention to Nickolas."

I didn't know what to say so I stayed quiet. However, from what Nick had described of his childhood and even the last week or so at home before he came to stay with us in Orlando, it didn't really seem like he did get enough attention at home. Maybe he was just an attention-hound, I don't know, but it was true that Nick did pull a lot of stunts to get attention from his parents.

Of course I knew the fire alarm had nothing to do with them and everything to do with me, but I wasn't about to admit that I knew anything at all about it.

After five minutes' of silence, I glanced over at her and she was fixing her make up in a tiny compact she must've pulled from her purse. I drew a deep breath. "The thing with Lou isn't for attention," I said.

Jane lowered the compact. "What?"

"He said you and Bob were fighting over what he said about him and Lou and I just wanted you to know, he told me and AJ about it, too, and I've been watching Lou the last couple of weeks, and he's not lying about Lou."

Jane's eyes were searching as she stared down at the compact she'd lowered, her brows pulled together. I imagined she was feeling a great amount of guilt for first doubting Nick before and for then driving him away by fighting over his situation instead of just acting on it.

"I told him to tell you when he told me," I said. I shook my head, "It's unbelievable, this past month has been so unbelievable. Between finding out about that and this stupid financial situation... I don't know." I leaned back in the chair, looked up at the ceiling. It was an ornate ceiling, painted with the words of the constitution in a faded ivory and a golden-brown. "Plus me with my heart thing. I mean he's been going through a lot."

I heard Jane shift in her seat.

"I guess the whole combination of it all is why he pulled the fire alarm, he's been under so much pressure," I spoke into the air, "Maybe he felt like his life needed an alarm to be rung." I shrugged. "I don't know. But anyway, I just wanted you to know that he's not making things up about Lou."

I could feel Jane's eyes boring into me, so I brought my head down and looked back at her. Our eyes locked for a moment. And as her eyes searched mine for a moment, the strangest feeling sweeped through me, washing over my nerves like cold water. Mayday, mayday, mayday, my mind was screeching.

"What about Lou?" Jane asked. Her voice seemed to echo around me and my mouth went so bone dry I nearly choked on my tongue.

Nick had lied to me about having told her about Lou. He'd lied to me.

I felt my mouth moving, felt my jaw shaking, trying to form words, trying to find something to say that would fix what I'd unadvertently done. Inside, I was cursing Nick, hating him for lying to me both because of the lie itself and because of the situation I was now in.

The courtroom doors burst open and Nick came bounding out of them, relief on his face. "I'm not goin' to jail," he crowed as he ran over to us. "I got a fine, sure, but a fine is a lot easier than --" he paused when he saw his mother and I and our eye-to-eye lock. I broke the stare first and looked at Nick. "Mom? What're you doing here?" he asked.

She turned to face him. "Nick, what did Lou Pearlman do to you?" she demanded.

Nick's face paled. He looked at me. "You told her?" he asked, jaw dropping.

"You told me you told her!" I replied.

Nick shook his head in disbelief, dropped the papers he'd been clutching and backed away slowly, "I can't believe you, I can't believe you. I told you not to tell anyone, I told you not to say anything..."

"Nick, you said she knew," I said, jumping up, "I was just telling her that she should believe you because it was true! I was trying to help. If anyone should be angry here, it's me! You lied to me."

"YOU TOLD HER," he yelled, "YOU TOLD HER!"

"Told me what!" Jane shouted, "What happened between you and Lou? What is going on!"

"FUCK YOU BRIAN!" Nick shouted, "I HATE YOU!" and in a fit of passion, he turned and ran down the hallway.

Jane grabbed the papers he'd dropped on the floor and went after him. "Nick!" she shouted, "Honey, wait for me."

I dropped back into my seat and covered my face with my hands. "Oh my Lord what in the hell did I just do?" I asked myself outloud, trying to remember how to breathe.

Numbly, I got up and walked out into the parking lot. Nick and his mother were in Jane's car, and I could plainly see they were arguing ferociously. I hesitated a couple feet away, then went over and knocked on Nick's window. He looked up and then looked away. Jane told him to unroll the window and Nick begrudgingly did. "Go the fuck away you've done enough damage," Nick snapped.

"Nickolas, watch your language," Jane snapped.

Nick folded his arms across his chest, tears threatening to spill over his eyes at any moment. I could literally see them building up. "Nick, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to --"

"Don't speak to me," he growled.

"What about your stuff that's at the apartment?" I asked.

"Just bring it to Spring Break."

"I could bring it to your house tomorrow --"

"No," he replied, shaking his head, "I don't wanna see your face anymore. Just go away." He rolled the window up.

"Nick I'm sorry," I said again as the window sealed. He didn't even look my way.

I sighed and Jane backed the car out and they drove away and I stood there in the parking lot staring after them. If only it'd been raining out it would've been a perfect movie scene moment, but it was sunny and about sixty-eight degrees, making it feel more surreal than picturesque. My heart was thumping in my chest so hard and fast, I could hear it inside my head and I closed my eyes as my chest tightened.

"What happened?" Johnny asked, suddenly at my side.

I turned around, "He got a fine," I answered. I glanced back the way the car had gone, "And then he got stabbed in the back by his best friend."

Johnny looked confused.

"Just a fine," I said. "Look just -- just go back to New York. Be with NSYNC. That's where you really want to be right now anyway. Why even waste your time pretending you give a damn about us?" I turned and walked quickly. As I climbed into my SUV, I actually felt a little bit of surprise that Johnny hadn't tried to stop me or correct me, and instead was already back on his cell phone, already moving on from my harsh words. They'd bounced off him like nothing, like a gnat in the summer that he could just squash.

"How'd Nick's thingy go?" Howie asked when I got back to the apartment. He was watching TV, which he'd muted when he heard the door open.

"He got a fine," I answered.

"He must be relieved." Howie looked around, "Where is he?"

"He went home with his mother," I replied.

"Oh," Howie said. "Too bad, I was thinking we could play Pictionary with two teams tonight."

"Yeah."

I went into the kitchen and opened the fridge, staring in at the contents without really seeing them much. Guilt was settling into my stomach. I grabbed a can of soda out of the drawer and picked up the phone and dialed Nick's house. The phone rang and rang and rang, and finally one of his sisters picked up. "Hello?"

"Hey, it's Brian Littrell, is Nick there?"

"Uhh yeah I guess. Hold on." She covered the phone with her hand, "NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK! PHOOOOOOOOONE FOR YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!" she bellowed. She came back on the phone, "I called him. Hold on."

I heard Nick come into the room, "Jesus Beej could you yell a little louder, I think Nick's in freaking China are answering their phones right now," I heard him say. "Who is it anyways?"

"Brian Littrell," BJ replied.

I heard the phone get picked up and then it landed on the cradle as he hung up on me.

I stared at the phone in disbelief. Then I dialed the number again. BJ answered it again. "Hello?"

"BJ, it's Brian. I got disconnected. Can I talk to Nick?"

"Um... he's um... he's ... he's not here," BJ replied.

"What? Yes he is, I just heard him," I said, "Just a second ago."

"No he's not here, sorry," she answered with more confidence this time.

"Just give him the damn phone BJ."

She covered the mouth piece and her voice was muffled, but I could still hear her. "Don't be stupid, he knows you aren't here, why don't you just talk to him?" she was quiet while he answered and then she came back on the phone, "He says e tu Bruti."

I sighed. "Fine. Tell him I'll see him in friggin Jamaica then." I hung up the phone - hard.

"Troubles, bubbles?" Howie was suddenly behind me, an eyebrow raised.

"Nick's just pissed because I told his mom something I wasn't supposed to today," I replied.

"Smooth move," Howie answered.

I sighed. "He told me off using Shakespeare."

"Nick's read Shakespeare?" Howie asked, surprised.

"He saw the movie," I answered.

Howie laughed, "It'll pass over, don't worry. Y'all are Frick and Frack."

I stared at the table. "Yeah," I nodded.

Howie sat down across from me and we sat in silence, the only sound the clock ticking and the TV talking in the next room. It was so quiet I could hear the carbonation in my soda can hissing.

"You should invite your girlfriend over," Howie said suddenly, breaking the silence. "Then we'd have two teams again."

I looked up. "What's with you and the Pictionary obsession today?" I asked.

Howie shrugged, "I just thought it sounded like fun."

"I'll call her in a bit and see," I said quietly.

"Okay." Howie stood up, "Well let me know soon because I'm going to make dinner and stuff like that and I need to know how much to make."

"Okay." Satisfied, Howie got up and wandered back to the living room and I heard the channel change. I still sat staring at the table, listening to my soda hiss.

I couldn't help but wonder if Nick would get over this, considering the magnitude of what I'd done. Sure I hadn't meant to, sure I'd only been trying to help, and yes, he'd lied to me first, but the way he was seeing it, I'd betrayed him, no matter what the circumstance had been that led me to say something, I'd still said something when I should've kept my mouth shut.

I sighed and went out to my room, passing by Howie, who said I should call Leighanne soon, and I said I woud. I sat at my desk and stared at the canary legal pad with my proposal words written on it and closed my eyes, and realized that my heart was still hurting.

Chapter Twenty-Two


Once I'd gathered myself again, I went back out to the kitchen and called my parents and asked if they minded if Leighanne and I came up the day before my birthday and stayed for the week so they could get to meet her and I could get some things done back home. They didn't ask what things but my plan was to call my cardiologist next and make an appointment for one of the days following my birthday. When I hung up with them with their approval, I called Leighanne to double check the dates with her and to invite her to Howie's stupid Pictionary party.

"Pictionary?" Leighanne laughed.

"It was Howie's idea," I replied.

"Sure I'll gladly come play Pictionary with you and Howie and Kevin," she said. "Do you want me to bring snacks?"

"Snacks are always welcome. I think Howie's making dinner. I don't know what though."

"Okay. I'll be over around five," Leighanne said, and I agreed that was a good time. After discussing the trip to visit my parents and my cardiologist, we hung up and I started going through my wallet to find my cardiologist's office number, which I'd written on my health ID card along with my medications list.

Dr. Carlsbad had been my cardiologist for a couple years now I'd outgrown Dr. Noonan. Dr. Carlsbad was okay, but not as on-top-of-it as Dr. Noonan, who I'd had since I was a kid, had been. Probably because he hadn't been there during my scare as a child. There was a time I'd gone in at least once a year, sometimes twice a year, just to be tested and everything to make sure things were going okay. But when I'd turned eighteen I'd had to switch doctors because I was no longer a case for a Pediatrictian Cardiologist. And then I'd moved and the visits had since been much more sporadic, which had been working out just fine. I liked that Dr. Carlsbad wasn't overly nervous and didn't make me work in time off twice a year to spent time getting poked and prodded in the hospital with no good reason. It was kind of a blessing, given my current schedule situation. I tried to picture explaining to Lou that I needed time off for a non-neccessary medical check up. That would go over so well. Not.

I called and made the appointment for the 24th and was told that Dr. Carlsbad would give me a call to confirm later in the week.

I wandered back out to the living room, where Howie was taking notes from a cooking show. "Leighanne said she'd come over for the Pictionary," I said.

"Good, good," Howie lit up. "Great. When's she coming over?"

"Five."

"Okay."

I watched him write down a list of ingredients being shown on the screen as the TV chef explained what to do with them. "What's with you and the Pictionary and the cooking tonight anyways?" I asked.

"I just want it to be nice is all," he answered.

I thought he was weird, but I didn't ask anymore questions. I headed back to my room and grabbed a book I'd been reading and lay on the bed, waiting 'til Kevin got home so I could ask him what to do about Nick. If anyone would know how to handle the situation with Nick, it would be Kev, I decided.

It was four-thirty when Howie knocked on my door and I'd fallen asleep in the spine of my book. "Can you come help me?" Howie called in.

I shook myself awake and changed my shirt since my first one was now all wrinkled and nasty looking and walked out to the kitchen. The kitchen looked like it had exploded with stuff. There was sauce and flour and noodles and milk and grease and everything everywhere. "Oh my Lord, the apocalypse occurred in this very kitchen," I said, looking around.

"Not the apocalypse, just spaghetti, meat balls, and bread," Howie answered nervously.

"Good Lord," I replied.

We went to work trying to clean up all the mess before Leighanne arrived. I was doing the dishes when it occurred to me that Kevin wasn't home yet. "Howie, does Kev know we're doing this? Like is he going to be home in time?" I glanced at the clock. Leighanne was going to be there any minute now.

"Kevin?" Howie asked, confused, "No Kevin's spending the weekend with Kris down in Miami. Remember?"

I didn't remember because nobody had told me.

"Well then who are we playing Pictionary with?" I asked.

"I have a girl coming over, okay? I thought it would be nice." Howie pulled bread out of the oven. I let the dish I was in the middle of cleaning slip into the sudsy water. Howie wrapped the bread in a cloth and turned to realize I was staring at him. "What? It's not like I'm gay. I'm allowed to have women over."

"I know, it's just, I don't think I've ever met a girlfriend of yours before," I replied, "In the last five years we've been living together, actually, I know I haven't."

"Well now you're going to," Howie answered, shrugging. He carried the bread out of the kitchen.

So this was more of a double-date situation, I realized. I'd never really done the whole double-date thing.

I finished up with the dishes only just as there was a knock on the door and Howie answered it and I heard Leighanne's voice carrying through the apartment. A moment later, Howie led Leighanne into the kitchen - which we'd some how miraculously gotten clean minus the dishes in the strainer by the sink. She was carrying a plate of deviled eggs. She looked gorgeous. I couldn't help just staring at her as Howie collected the eggs from her and put them in the fridge.

"Hey," she said.

"Hey," I answered, smiling.

Theree was another knock on the door and Howie almost fell over himself rushing to answer it, making Leighanne laugh. Howie returned a couple minutes later with a slim Asian girl he said was named Carol. Carol worked at a clothing store Howie went to all the time and had apparently fitted his last suit. I had a feeling that wasn't the only thing fitted, but that's okay. We set up Pictionary in the living room, Leighanne and I sat on the floor across from Howie and Carol, who sat on the couch and Leighanne served her Deviled Eggs and we played Pictionary. I'm actually pretty bad ass at Pictionary, even though I'm not the best at drawing. Nick and I make such a stellar team at games like Pictionary that Kevin banned us from being team mates anymore when we play on the bus. It was the first time I'd played with Leighanne though, and we were a pretty good team, too - much better than Howie and Carol. Before long we were winning by a giant margin.

When we won, Leighanne wrapped her arms around me and kissed me and I tipped over backwards, laughing.

Howie and I set the table and we all migrated in to the dinner he'd made, which actually was pretty good considering Howie wasn't exactly known for his chef capabilities. I mean, he wasn't Nick, but he certainly wasn't the person I'd choose as Backstreet Boy Most Likely to be a Chef either (that honor went to Kevin).

After we'd eaten, Howie and Carol disappeared to Howie's room and Leighanne and I sat on the couch in the living room and attempted watching TV. After a little bit though, Howie and Carol got a little too loud and we decided to go for a walk. We trotted out to the sidewalk, Leighanne laughing all the way. "Howie is one of those people I don't like picturing having sex," I admitted when we were on the pavement and plodding through the neighborhood.

Leighanne giggled, "Not into the latino blood?"

I grabbed her hand and we walked along through the dark, the stars overhead twinkled. We bought ice cream sandwiches at a gas station down the street and sat on a bench in front of the run down laundromat next door. "I like the smell of dryers running," I admitted.

Leighanne licked a bit of ice cream off her wrist that had escaped from the wrapper. "Why?" she asked.

I shrugged, "It's just a smell I've always liked. It's like when the lint trays get full and there's fabric softener in there or something... I dunno, it smells warm."

She breathed deeply. "Yeah, it does smell warm."

"My favorite part of laundry is putting on my favorite sweatshirt after its all dry," I added.

"Mine is freshs sheets. I love fresh sheets."

I smiled as we kept talking because it occurred to me that of all the people having all the conversations in the entire world, I was glad that this one about laundry was the one I was involved in. There aren't a whole lot of people in the world that you can literally discuss your dirty laundry with, and I'd managed to find one.

"What are you grinning about over there?" Leighanne asked, tapping my foot with her foot.

I looked over, "Nothing much," I answered, "Just about how perfect you are."

"Liar," she said, laughing.

"It's true," I replied. I kissed her cheek.

I thought about how cute it would be to explain to our future children where we were when I proposed and telling them about the laundromat. But I'd left the ring at home in the rush to escape from the Howard porn sounds.

"So we're going to your parents next week," she said, changing the subject.

"Yeah we are," I replied.

"And your doctor's appointment," she added.

I nodded.

"Are you nervous?" she asked.

I shrugged, "Maybe a little," I answered. "I don't know. Yeah. A little."

She slid across the bench so we were next to each other and she put one hand on my chest over my heart. "Does it hurt?" she asked quietly. I shook my head no. But that was a lie because it really was hurting me. It'd been kind of dully aching since I'd realized that Nick had lied about telling his mother. Leighanne pressed her ear against my chest and listened. She frowned as she pulled back, "Your heart is beating so fast," she commented as she sat up.

"It usually does when beautiful women put their hands on me," I answered.

Leighanne laughed. "Oh and do beautiful women often put their hands on you?" she questioned.

"Not often enough," I said.

We walked back to the apartment and Leighanne gave me a kiss on the sidewalk, then climbed in her car and drove away. I stood outside for a few minutes, my hands in my pockets, thinking about the day I'd had and wondering if Nick was okay. I was still standing on the sidewalk looking up at the sky when the door to the apartment opened and Carol snuck out, carrying her shoes. She climbed down the stairs that led to our door before she noticed me.

"Hey," I said to her.

She blushed when she saw me. "Sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to interrupt you."

"It's alright," I answered. "Nothing really to interrupt."

She looked up at the sky the way I was. "You and Leighanne are cute together," she said.

I looked down at her, "Yeah?"

"Yes, very." She laughed, "And very good at Pictionary."

"I'm good at every game," I answered, winking.

"And humble too."

I laughed, "I usually am, but when it comes to games I'm not."

Carol nodded. "Well, I just thought you should know. She looks like she loves you a lot. You looked happy." She moved towards her car, parked at the curb.

"I have the ring," I said, "It's in my room."

"Then what are you waiting for?" Carol asked, standing in her open driver's side door.

I shrugged, "The nerve?"

Carol laughed. "Good night Brian."

"Night Carol."

Inside, the room was stuffy so I opened the window and laid on my mattress and waited for morning to come.

The remainder of the weekend was quiet and uneventful, mostly filled with Howie and I arguing over whose turn it was to clean what parts of the apartment and who had custody of the remote control. On Monday, I woke up early and found Kevin in the kitchen on the phone. I yawned and opened the fridge and pulling out stuff to make breakfast. I had just decided I wanted a hardboiled egg when my attention was peaked to what Kevin was saying.

"We were counting on this time off, I mean you tell us we've got until Spring Break and then you take it back and say we gotta jet off to Italy in the middle of our time, it's not really fair." I put the stuff down on the counter and raised my eyebrow at Kevin. He turned away. After a long pause, he finally said, "Fine. We'll see you in Sanremo."

When he'd hung up, I pounced. "What was that?"

"Lou," Kevin replied. "He booked us for the Sanremo Music Festival in Italy."

"When is it?" I asked.

"The festival is the week of the 26th, we'll be leaving on the 22nd," he replied.

"But I have plans," I argued, "I'm taking Leighanne to see my family for my birthday, for the week. I have an appointment on the 24th." I stared at him, dumbfounded.

Kevin shrugged, "You know Lou, it's written in stone already the moment he spoke it. I'm sure you can get out to Lexington to introduce them another time. When we get back, between Sanremo and Spring Break. I'm sure we'll have a couple days."

I shook my head, "This is unbelievable. We were supposed to have this time off," I grumbled.

"It's the price you pay I guess," Kevin said in a ho-hum sort of manner.

"I guess," I replied.

I went on and made breakfast, dreading the fact that when I was done making it and eating I was going to have to call my mother and cancel - yet again - and put off the doctor's appointment until when I got back from Italy. It wasn't a huge deal, just an extra week, I told myself. And the Sanremo Music Festival was a pretty big deal so it was worth the trade off, wasn't it?

"What do you mean you aren't coming?" my mother's voice was exasperated.

"I mean I just got a call this morning that we've been booked for the Sanremo Music Festival, in Italy, and it's the same week and --"

"But it's you birthday," my mother said, her voice almost a whine. "It's your birthday, Brian, and I haven't gotten to spend a birthday with you in years." She sounded near tears now.

"I know, Ma, and I'm sorry, but it's a really good thing that we're being offered Sanremo, you know? It's a really good festival and --"

"Can't you go to the Sand-remmy thing next year?" she pleaded.

It broke my heart because she so clearly wanted me to go there, but I couldn't argue Lou, that much had already been proven. "Trust me Ma, if I could I'd come spend my birthday with you instead, but it's really important I go to Sanremo. I'll bring Leighanne up after, when we get back, before we leave for Jamaica."

She sighed, "You work too hard, Baby Duck," she accused.

"I work just right, Ma," I answered.

"No," she said quietly, "You aren't a slave and I sometimes think that they all forget that. But don't you forget that. There are somethings in this life more important than the almighty dollar and more important than being famous in your career. You remember that, you promise me you'll remember that."

"I'll remember that," I answered.

"Promise me."

"I promise."

She sighed yet again. "I just miss you Baby Duck."

"I miss you too, Ma."

Chapter Twenty-Three


Rebooking the doctor's appointment was a hassle because Dr. Carlsbad was really busy and it was hard to get the first one so quickly as it was. Luckly, they were able to juggle a few people to plop me in between Sanremo and Jamaica, so I wouldn't have to wait longer than need be. It was going to be tight and I probably wouldn't have any time to see my family while I was in Kentucky, other than maybe for a couple hours, but at least I was going to get to the doctors and get this worry off my chest. Literally. And it would be a great relief to have them tell me I was fine, that I was being neurotic. Because that's all it was, right? Me, just being neurotic?

The next few days went smoothly. Carol and Kristin and Leighanne all came over one night and we had a huge Monopoly game that lasted half the night and ended with Leighanne and I dueling to the bittersweet end when we both had to cash out and ended up having a $100 difference in our total cash value. We called it a tie, but I'm proud to say I've still got my title as reigning Monopoly King. Technically.

Other than that, my time was just peppered with time spent with Leighanne. It was funny how busy I'd been and how not busy I was now that I was home. It was shocking the way jumping into a freezing cold swimming pool is, and I found myself sleeping a lot more than I really needed to when Leighanne wasn't around. Kevin made a comment about me needing to get out more, but what else do you do with hours and hours of free time? It's not like Nick was gonna come hang out with me even if I asked him to. He still wasn't really even answering my phone calls. Besides, a little sleep during a break from working never hurt anybody.

On my birthday, I woke up to the sound of someone knocking on my door. "Whaaat," I moaned.

The door opened a crack. "Good morning birthday boy."

I woke up quickly and found Leighanne's face smooshed into the crack in the door frame. "May I come in?" she asked, smiling dangerously from the hallway.

"Yeah of course," I replied, struggling to sit up, the blankets wrapped around my leg like a trap of some sort. She pushed the door open and slipped in, revealing a tray of breakfast foods, including pancakes shaped like Mickey Mouse. Kicking the door closed behind her, she slipped the tray over my lap and lowered onto the bed beside me, pressing a kiss to the side of my head. She reached over with a lighter and lit a candle that stood in the center of one of the pancakes.

"Happy birthday to you," she sang in a voice only scarcely above a whisper. "Happy birthday to you... Happy birthday, dearest Brian... Happy birthday to you." Leighanne smiled. "Make a wish," she said, her voice husky.

I blew out the candles, staring into her eyes.

Her lips curled knowingly. "Maybe later we'll make that wish come true."

After I'd gobbled up my pancakes, we headed out to play a few rounds of mini golf at this fantastic Pirate themed place in Orlando. It really is a pretty terrific place, with a big plastic pirate ship with moving parts that if you got a hole-in-one on it you got free ice cream at the end of the game. I like ice cream.

We played through, putting neon painted golf balls through the various obstacles set up by the park. We didn't really keep score but I bragged profusely when I got the balls in the cups at the end, and I even started humming the Rocky theme at one point while doing a little jig. "My aren't we full of ourselves today?" Leighanne laughed.

I grinned, "I'm gonna get that free ice cream, you watch and see. I can feel it."

When we finally reached the blessed eighteenth hole, my game was on fire. I placed the ball on the tee and drew a deep breath, closing my eyes and holding my putter like a knight about to go into war. Once I'd centered my chi, I turned to Leighanne. "Stand back and watch how it's done." I grinned.

"Mhm," Leighanne said as she obligingly stood back and watched.

I carefully wrapped my hands around the putter, being very careful to make sure I was holding it just so and lined up the ball, biting the end of my tongue ever so slightly. From behind me, Leighanne laughed, and when I turned around, she said, "You hold your club like my father does." I realized I was using the putter grip he'd taught me.

I laughed nervously because she had no clue I'd been to see her parents.

At least not that I knew of.

"Really?" I asked. I shrugged. I turned back to the little golf ball.

I could feel Leighanne's eyes on me as I refocused, and brought the putter down on the ball with force. The ball rocketed off my tee, hit the spinning oars of the ship, which blocked the hole it needed to pass through, and bounced off the deck, rolling back to me, only a couple inches away from where I'd started.

"Damn it," I groaned.

Leighanne smirked, "Stand back, and watch how a lady does it," she said.

I watched.

Leighanne lined up the club, watched the oars, and her lips moved ever so slightly as she concentrated. She, too, had the same grip her father did. And then, she let go on the ball with just a slightly less forceful swing than I'd whaled it off with. The ball sailed smoothly through the hole in the boat, and landed with a clunk in the plastic cup on the far side of the ship.

She smiled, turning to me and leaning on the putter as she studied me a moment. Finally, she said, "It's okay, I'll let you have a lick of my ice cream."

I grinned, "Is that all I can lick?"

"Dirty boy," she said in a mock-disgusted voice. She waved a hand at the ball, "Putt away, Mister, or we'll never get home for you to even attempt to lick anything else."

It took like five puts - one of which was strickly digging the green - and finally I managed to sink the ball in the hole. We turned in our gear, Leighanne collected her ice cream coupon, and we went over to the ice cream window. She got a scoop of strawberry ice cream with colored sprinkles and we sat at a picnic table in the shade by the parking lot. Leighanne fed me a bite of her ice cream and kissed my forehead. "I think it's sexy I can beat you at mini golf," she teased.

I looked up at her. We were sitting so she was on the table in front of me while I sat on the bench. "Leighanne," I said quietly.

"I really do," she said, smiling brightly. "Guys think it's always a turn on when they're all he-man and stuff but sometimes--"

"Marry me."

Leighanne stopped speaking mid-sentence, and sat there, staring at me, dumbfounded. "What?"

"Marry me."

She had the spoon halfway to her mouth as the words came out and she soft of stayed like that, in suspended motion, her eyes searching mine for the longest moment. I broke the gaze first, reaching into my pocket and pulled out the ring box. She slipped the spoon into her mouth as I looked back up at her, and drew it out as our eyes met yet again. "Please," I said. I opened the box, and there in the crushed velvet interior was the canary yellow diamond.

"Brian," she whispered.

"I've been thinking about it for a real long time," I said quietly, "And I asked your dad. When we were in Georgia."

"He showed you his golf swing didn't he?"

"Focus baby," I said, smiling.

Tears suddenly sprang to Leighanne's eyes, "Oh my God, you're serious, aren't you?" she suddenly realized.

"As a heart attack," I answered without thinking.

Leighanne raised an eyebrow.

"Which is certainly not a joking matter, "I added.

"Lord God almighty, Brian Littrell," she gasped. Her hands shook as she reached for the ring. She plucked it from the box, which I snapped closed and put on the table beside her. Leighanne stared at the ring, breathless.

"Leighanne Wallace," I said quietly, "How many times are you going to make me ask you?" I laughed.

She looked into my eyes. "Brian, of course it's yes. A thousand million times yes." She bent forward and kissed me, and I wrestled the ring from her hand and slipped it carefully onto her left ring finger. Her kiss tasted like strawberry ice cream.

"Thank you," I whispered.

Someone clapped a couple tables away and Leighanne laughed, tears pouring down her cheeks, and looked over at the clapping woman and waved and I laughed because I hadn't been aware that we had an audience at all. I'd been too focused on Leighanne, on wanting to ask her.

"This was the perfect birthday present," I whispered, when I stood and helped her up off the table. She wrapped her arms around me, chucking her empty ice cream cup into a rubbish bin beside the table.

"And you haven't even gotten your wish yet," she laughed.

"Yes I did," I replied. "I just did."

Leighanne blushed. "I thought you wished for --"

"Sex?" I shook my head. "I wished for you to say yes."

When we got back to the apartment, Leighanne and I shared a kiss in the her car and I started wondering how serious she'd been when she'd suggested sex later. Serious enough, I found, that after our kiss broke apart, she glanced at the car's dashboard clock, then climbed out, a grin on her face. "Let's go inside," she suggested.

I leaped out of that car like there was no tomorrow, like my body was on fire or something. She led the way up to the stairs that led to our front door and I unlocked the door and stepped inside to a dark room. I reached for the light switch, praying that the dark meant Kevin and Howie were out and Leighanne and I had the apartment all to ourselves. The light illuminated the living room and I jumped back --

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

I'm not quite sure how I'd managed to not expect it, given the fact that Leighanne had very conviently kept me distracted all day, yet she'd done it so seamlessly that for a moment I literally stood in the doorway dumbfounded, unable to respond. My head did a quick reassesment of the meaning of Leighanne following me into the apartment and I pressed a smile through my confusion, "Oh my gosh," I muttered.

"Surprised?" AJ asked, holding up a bottle of beer.

"Uh extremely," I answered.

Kevin came striding up and snapped a cone hat to the top of my head, adjusting it so it tipped slightly.

As I moved into the room, Leighanne clutching my hand tightly, I looked around the room at the faces of my friends. But there was one face very conspicuously missing from the montage. I nudged Howie. "Where's Nick?" I asked.

An oh shit look crossed through Howie's eyes. "He's um - he couldn't come," he replied.

Leighanne leaned in. "We called him," she assured me, "He just couldn't come is all." I could feel the diamond pressing into my palm from her hand. "He wanted to," she lied.

I tried to press the absence of my Frack from the crowd and enjoyed the presents and cake I was showered with for the remainder of the night. We played a crazy version of Beer Pong in the kitchen, and a sort of charades. There was music and lots of people to talk to and I just couldn't be bogged down thinking about Nick not being there.

By eleven o'clock, most everyone had left. AJ was passed out on the chair in the living room and Howie, Kevin, Leighanne, Kristin, and I were standing in the kitchen talking. Leighanne reached for a beer and Kristin's voice pitched, "Oh my GOD," she shrieked, "Look at that rock!" She grabbed Leighanne's hand to see it, and let out a low whistle.

Kevin and Howie looked over to see. "You DOG," Howie shouted, "You got engaged, no way man!"

"Congrats," Kevin responded, cheersing us with his half-drained bottle of beer.

"That's two of you," Howie observed, "TWO!"

"Lou ought to be tickled pink," I laughed.

Leighanne was blushing as everyone fawned over her ring.

We stood around discussing how Kevin and I got engaged and the upcoming Sanremo and Spring Break events, as well as the plans for the next tour. Finally at midnight, we all went to bed, leaving AJ on the chair where he'd fallen asleep. Kevin had called AJ's mom, Denise, after he'd noticed AJ had been drinking a lot and told her he'd be staying at our place overnight so he wasn't missed.

Leighanne and I snuck off to my bedroom and she crawled into bed with me. I woke up early the next morning with her cuddling into my arm, her hand on my bare chest, the ring catching rays of sunlight that snuck through the cracked blinds. I stared at the glint of the stone, and rolled my head to look at the peaceful smile that played across her lips.

She must've felt me staring because her eyes fluttered open softly and she looked at me, her smile spreading even further across her face as she stared up at me. "Morning," she whispered.

"Morning," I whispered back.

We got up, got dressed, and ate breakfast in the kitchen with Kevin and Kris. Howie was sleeping in and AJ had gotten up and gone home before we'd woken up.

After breakfast, we all piled into my Jeep and went out to the beach because the air was unusually muggy for the end of February, and there was rumors of a storm system working its way into the gulf that was causing the breach in average temperatures. We had a great day in the sun, wading sort of up to our knees in the water and in the evening we found a group that had a bon fire going and sort of crashed their party. The warm glow of the fire illuminated these people we didn't know, who were now our friends, and there were marshmellows to toast and beers to drink and a lot of laughs. As the night wore on and the stars rose higher, Leighanne scooted closer, wrapping her arms around my arm, and eventually we went for a walk along the waterline, alone, wandering into the blue darkness until the campfire was nothing more than an orange glow down the beach.

"Are you excited for Italy?" I asked.

Leighanne smiled, "I'm excited for anywhere with you."

"You'll go everywhere with me," I answered, "I'll take you any place in the world."

She slipped her hand into mine. "I'm so happy Brian," she said.

"Me, too."

"I've dreamt of this since I was small."

I nodded, "I know."

She stopped walking and clutched my hands to her and stared into my eyes. "When I am a hundred and four, I will still be thankful that it's you there beside me."

I smiled.

We sat down in the sand and watched the waves for a long time. I found myself thinking of Nick, of all five of us and our careers and how the waves movement really spoke about the feelings I had concerning Lou and TransContinental and Johnny and everything going on. I thought about how different things might be if we'd been paired with any other managers - both for the positive and the negative - and my mind twisted dangerously along in the Butterfly Effect until Leighanne interrupted my mind.

"What're you thinking?" she asked.

"Just about Nick," I answered partly truthfully.

She squeezed my hand. "I'm sorry," she said, "I wish he'd come last night. I know how much it means to you for him to show up when you need him to."

"I was glad the other guys were there," I said.

"Yeah, I didn't say you weren't," Leighanne replied, "But I know how much Nick means to you, too." She leaned her head against my shoulder. "Why are you two fighting anyways?" she asked.

I drew a deep breath, "Because, I told his mum something that he didn't want her to know," I replied.

Leighanne frowned, "Does it help him? Her knowing, I mean?"

"I thought it would," I answered, "But... I don't know." Leighanne looked at me, confusion written on her face. "I'm sorry," I said, "I can't tell you what it is, though."

"I understand," she replied.

We sat in silence again, staring out at the water. After a long pause, Leighanne turned to me. "Brian, you and Nick are best friends. This will pass and it'll be restored. What you have together is too special to be torn apart." Her voice was so sincere it was easy to allow myself to believe what she was saying, even though some part of me questioned if he would ever be able to forgive me, or if some part of him would always see me as the guy who told his mom about Lou.

It was my greatest fear. Which, considering everything that was going on in my life, that really spoke volumes for the value of my friendship with Nick.

Chapter Twenty-Four


I brought Nick's stuff along with me to Italy. The flight was long, but I had Leighanne beside me so it didn't feel as bad as it could've. When we reached the hotel in Sanremo, Leighanne went to the hotel room to take a shower, and I waited in the hallway for Nick, who had come on a different flight than us, to arrive. When he stepped out of the elevator, I charged down the hall towards him, eager to make up.

"I brought your bag with me," I said, holding it out to him. Nick took it without responding and pulled his keycard out of his pocket, checked the number, and matched it to a door. I trotted alongside him. I said hopefully, "I thought maybe we could shoot some hoops. I even got details about a court a block away from here for us..."

"I left my ball in Los Angeles, remember?" Nick asked.

"I'll buy a new one," I suggested.

"I'm tired Brian, okay? I just landed. Maybe later." He stepped into the hotel room and closed the door behind him, leaving me in the hallway awkwardly.

I sighed and turned back to my own hotel room, feeling almost abandoned. I sat down with a heavy sigh on the edge of the bed and stared down at my feet. Leighanne came out of the shower, sopping her long, blonde hair with a towel. "Did you find Nick?" she asked, head tilted.

"Yeah," I answered, my voice flat.

Concern crossed her face, "Is he still mad?"

"I guess," I answered, "He just didn't care. I even offered to shoot hoops with him." I looked up at her. She stuck out her lower lip in sympathy. "I just wish he understood. I didn't know I was doing anything wrong, I just --" I shook my head.

Leighanne lowered next to me and the scent of her body wash and shampoo filled my nose as she wrapped her arm around me and hugged me to her. I turned into her, the smell comforting, and breathed deeply. "I'm here, baby," she whispered, "I understand."

"I need him, you know?" I asked.

"I know."

She sat and held me for a few minutes and I let her until I started to get a hold of my emotions and I realized how weak I was looking, so upset like this. Not crying, mind you, but still emotional. It looked stupid, I looked pathetic. I pulled away and stood up. "We should go sightseeing or something," I said decisively.

Leighanne watched as I went for the guest services book on the desk across the room. "Aren't you tired?" she asked.

"Yeah but we're in fricking Italy," I answered. I flipped through the pages, "We should really experience it while we can. So Italian restaurants are probably listed under just plain restaurants huh?" I joked. "I wonder if McDonalds is under like American Restaurants or something."

"Well if we're going out, I better finish my hair," she said, getting up and going back into the shower.

I looked through the guest book until I'd found a restaurant with an interesting description and dialed out on the room line. There was a knock at the door and Leighanne came out of the bathroom, putting on earings, and opened the door. "Hey Nick," I heard her say cheerfully, "How are you?"

I stretched the phone as far as I could until I could see Nick in the hallway. I waved.

His face looked peturbed. "I --" he shook his head, "Forget it. Here. Give Brian this." He held out a bag, then turned and left the doorway.

"Nick?" Leighanne stepped out into the hall, looking after him, but he didn't respond, and I heard his room door slam a moment later. She came back in, holding the bag, eyes wide with nervous energy.

I hung up the phone without placing the reservations I'd been planning to make, and Leighanne handed the bag to me. It was a gift bag, blue with neon green letters that read Happy Birthday! across it. I sat on the bed and opened it slowly. Inside was a picture frame with an old photo of Nick and I, chopsticks woven through our hair, making funny faces at the camera. Kevin was in the background looking on disapprovingly. I remembered the moment vividly. We'd been at a Chinese food restaurant in Chicago and we'd been talking in funny voices and laughing like crazy. I closed my eyes, my hand shook. I looked into the bag and pulled out a second item - a wind up R2D2 toy.

"That was sweet of him," Leighanne commented.

I nodded, my throat closed up, and stared at the picture - at our smiles. We'd been so confident then. Confident because we were pop stars and best friends and our band was our family and we were on top of the world, capable of anything. We'd been carefree.

"Do you still want to go?" Leighanne asked.

I looked up. She'd gotten dressed in blue jeans with a big sweater that hugged her just right, her hair in a pony tail. She looked pretty. I forced a smile, put the picture and the R2D2 on the desk, and stood up. "Yeah, yes. I do."

We got our jackets on, and I opened the door and stepped into the hall while Leighanne was getting her purse. AJ suddenly came bounding out of the hotel room Nick had gone into, eyes wild and nervous, "Did you hear?" he asked, frantic.

"What?" I asked, "Everything okay?"

"There were tornadoes, a shit load of tornadoes," he said, "Back home. In Kissimmee. Like fifty people or something are dead and there's a shit ton of destruction. It happened last night after we left."

"Seriously?" I ducked back into the hotel room, followed by AJ.

Leighanne backed out of our way as we blew by. "What's going on now?" she asked.

I flipped on the TV set.

"Tornadoes," AJ said, "All the fuck over Kissimmee."

"What?" Leighanne leaned down to look at the TV, too, and her jaw dropped as a woman spoke in Italian abou local news. There was nothing about the tornadoes.

I looked at AJ, "Where did you hear about this?" I asked.

"Johnny, he was just talking to Lou," he said.

"Wait, Lou's not here?"

"No he stayed back, some legal thing."

"So it's just us five and Johnny?"

"Dude, there's like a hundred tornadoes that struck home and you're worried about the bison?"

"What?"

"Lou - he's a bison, Nick and I call him the Bison now behind his back. I called my mum and she's okay. I was gonna tell you to call Leighanne but she's here so yeah. Anyways I gotta go tell Kev and Howie so they can call home." AJ bounded out of the hotel room.

Leighanne frowned, "I hope everyone's okay."

"Do you wanna call anyone?"

"Is it okay if I do?" she asked.

"Of course." I waved toward the phone.

Leighanne called a couple of her friends just to check on them; she got in touch with two, and the third's phone line was knocked out due to the storm. We went to dinner, though now it was weighted down with worry about the events going on back home, and Leighanne worried about her third friend. Midway through the meal, she still had a blank, worried expression on her face as she stared down at the bowl of pasta in front of her.

Not much had changed several days later, the day of the actual music festival. One of Leighanne's other friends called and confirmed the third friend was okay but that her home had been destroyed and she was staying at a shelter for the time being, and Kevin and Howie heard from Kristin, who was okay, and Carol, who was missing her cat. Meanwhile, Nick had managed to avoid me for most of the time, and only grudgingly accepted my sincere thank you for my gift. He wasn't interested in playing ball or even getting coffee together, and he glared at Leighanne with a look that he usually reserved for Kevin only more intense - an expression somewhere between annoyance and hatred.

Especially when he noticed the ring on her hand as she handed him a bottle of water.

We were backstage at the Sanremo Festival, awaiting our turn to go on stage, and I nudged Nick. "You know, we have to be friends again sometime," I said.

He shrugged, "We don't have to," he answered.

We went out onto the stage on cue, my mouth dry from the cold edge to his words. I couldn't help but stare at him, trying to tell him telephathically that I was sorry for everything and that I missed him.

It was hard doing some of the dance moves in thigh-length trench coats that we'd been put into at wardrobe, and during the Chair Dance routine at the end of As Long As You Love Me, and I almost tripped and fell into Nick, who responded by swinging his chair back too far and clipping me slightly. I glowered at his back as we carried the chairs off stage.

"What was that for?" I demanded.

"What was what for?" he asked, though I knew he knew what I was talking about.

We all poured back onto the stage and were stopped by one of the hosts, who started doing a quick interview with us. Of course one of the first things she asked was, "Who among you is already engaged or married and who is single?"

Kevin and I kinda shared a glance as he surveyed us. We had yet to tell Lou. This was not the place nor the time to make the announcements, so he turned back to her, wrapped a friendly arm around her, and said, "We're all available," in his low, Kevin voice. Howie and AJ echoed him.

"We ain't all," Nick said under his breath, only loud enough I could hear him.

Luckily nobody, including the hostess, heard Nick's comment. Nerves charged my system and I started goofing off. When she asked what we thought about the gifts fans threw on the stage, I proceeded to snatch a tiger off the floor and make goofy voices while Kevin droned on beside me, giving actual answers to her questions. I turned and shook the toy at Nick, but he didn't even crack a smile. Such was the level of annoyance I'd reached. I kept absently playing with it as the interview went on, wagging its tail and winking to the fans who were pointing and screaming.

After a couple more awkward questions, which Kevin answered, we launched into the next song.

When the show was over, Nick shoved by me on his way backstage. "Seriously, what the hell is his problem?" Howie asked, who came up behind me as Nick stormed off.

I sighed, "He's still mad at me."

"He's mad at everyone," AJ added.

"Well he needs to stop acting like a tool," Kevin said, shaking his head.

But Nick didn't stop. He refused even to go to dinner that night. We sat in the restaurant around the huge table the staff had pushed together for us and ate, talking, with a conspicuously missing voice among us. "Did he say why he didn't come?" I asked, leaning over to AJ.

AJ shrugged.

"I didn't think Nick was capable of passing up a meal," I joked.

"I guess you really pissed him off then huh?" AJ replied dryly.

Through the rest of the trip, Nick refused to speak to me except when he had to - on stage and in interviews. By Friday, when we were all boarding our planes homebound he'd said maybe a total of five or six things to me, and not a word more to Leighanne.

Leighanne and I flew from Sanremo to Kentucky, and it was somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean that my nervous energy shifted from whether Nick would ever forgive me to how my parents would react to Leighanne and I being engaged. I couldn't sleep on the flight, I sat in the seat fidgeting. Leighanne turned to me, "Why don't you read a book?" she asked.

I looked through my duffle bag until I found the copy of Batman that Nick had given me at Christmas and I flipped it open and started flipping through it, staring down at the illustrations, my mind spinning around and pinging off of various worries. I snuck to the rest room and took a couple aspirin, splashed my face with cold water, and tried to practice breathing.

The dull ache in my chest reminded me of the whole other myriad of stressors going on as I ran my hand down the center of my chest. My heart seemed to be crawling up my throat and pounding there, and I closed m eyes
"You okay?" Leighanne asked when I returned to my seat. I hadn't thought I was gone all that long, but evidently long enough that she woke up and noticed I was gone and managed to worry.

"Yeah I'm okay," I replied.

"Nervous about your parents?" she asked.

I nodded.

"It's gonna be okay," she said, smiling.

We'd landed and were walking into the airport when I took Leighanne's hand. "I um haven't had the chance to um --" I looked down at the ring.

"You haven't told them yet?" she asked, surprised.

"Not exactly," I replied. Leighanne slipped the ring off. Already her hand looked strangely empty without the diamond there and I whispered, "I'll tell them as quickly as possible." I didn't like the way her hand looked without it now.

"You better," she replied, kissing me.

Chapter Twenty-Five


"I freaking love your mother," Leighanne said thirty minutes later as she dropped her bag onto the guest bedroom's bed. "She is so sweet."

My mother had met us in the lobby of the airport holding a sign that said Baby Duck on it. She'd greeted Leighanne with a big hug and proceeded to chat about hair color with her while my father, who was waiting in the car outside, filled me in on the latest news about the Wildcats. The ride home had been a jumble of voices and chaos and when we'd arrived back to my parents' place, my mom had sent us upstairs to freshen up, warning us dinner was in her crock pot and would be ready in just a few minutes. "Just heatin' up the sides," she said, "So fresh up quick."

I'd showed Leighanne to the guest room. I leaned against the door frame. "So um... my parents," I said slowly, unsure how to bridge the trail of thought I was about to meander down, "They're pretty um... they're really -- you know, they're strict Christians..."

"No whoopie, got it," Leighanne smiled.

I nodded. "Right."

She came over and kissed my cheek. "No problem."

"We can make up for lost time when we get home," I said.

Leighanne laughed.

At dinner a few minutes later, as my mom was piling potatoes onto my plate because I apparently looked "too skinny", I cleared my throat. "Ma.. Dad... Thanks for letting Leighanne and I stay over."

"Of course Baby Duck, this is your home." My mom started piling carrots on, passing the bowl of potatoes off to my father.

I locked eyes with Leighanne, whose lips were just starting to curl into a smile. Her eyes sparkled. "Well, see, the thing is, it was really important to me that you meet Leighanne --"

"We've been just dying to meet you," my mom interrupted me, turning to Leighanne. She handed my dad the carrots and grabbed the green beans. I got a generous helping of those, too.

"Ma sit down for a second," I said, stilling her hands.

She paused. Fear creeped into her eyes. "Brian, what's the matter?" she asked.

"Just sit a second, I wanna tell you guys something."

She dropped into her seat like her knees had given out from under her. "What is it?" she asked, breathless and nervous.

"Relax Ma," I said, laughing, "It's a good thing."

"What is it?" my father asked, "Say it before Jackie has a tizz fit."

"I'm not having a tizz fit," she said, waving the serving spoon at him.

Leighanne bit her lower lip in anticipation.

"On my birthday," I said slowly, "I asked Leighanne to marry me."

My mother's jaw dropped. My father stared at the pot roast in the center of the table. Leighanne gnawed her lower lip. I looked between the three of them slowly, studying each of their faces. The longest, most incredible silence fell over the room.

And then my mother burst into noise.

"MY BABY DUCK IS GETTIN' MARRIED!" she bellowed. She leaped back to her feet and ran around the table to Leighanne. "To such a beautiful girl!" she squeezed Leighanne into her tightly, and my dad reached over and clapped me on the back, nodding in approval. "Champagne! CHAMPAGNE! We need champagne!" She rushed off into the kitchen.

"Congratulations son," my dad announced as Leighanne, now freed from the squeze, caught her breath and fixed her hair.

"Thanks," I answered, relieved.

My mom came running back into the room carrying a stack of paper cups and a bottle of sparkling cider. "This is all we have," she said. She quickly poured cider into each of the cups and handed them around to all of us. Her hands were shaking and her eyes pooled on the verge of tears, "Oh my Baby Duck you're all grown up," she gasped.

"I am," I nodded.

"Praise the Lord for this day," she said, tears beginning to flow, her voice breaking, "I done thought it'd never come, the day you would be all grown up, never thought it at all because I was just so thankful you made it far as you did..." She wiped her eyes.

"What your mother's trying to say is we're proud of you, Brian," my dad said.

We all cheersed and my mom proceeded to pull her chair up next to Leighanne to talk about wedding plans. Leighanne pulled her ring out of her pocket to show my mother, and my father and I ended up finishing up filling our plates and talking about the Wildcats again while we ate.

The next morning at breakfast, my mother proposed she and Leighanne get lunch and go shopping together. Leighanne had originally planned to come along with me to the doctor's office, but I assured her I was fine and that she should go with my mom. After all, I told her, it was a good thing for them to bond and all Dr. Carlsbad was going to do was give me some new meds or something and send me off home. Plus, it was a good distraction for my mother, so she wouldn't ask questions and find out that I had a doctor's appointment.

It sort of surprised me it was easier for me to tell my parents about my getting engaged than about the fact that I had a doctor's appointment.

And so off they went. And off I went, too.

Dr. Carlsbad's office always smelled of a certain scent - something I could never quite place a name to, but it was very distinct. I sat in the waiting room flipping through a magazine and waitined for my name to be called. People milled around the waiting room around me, and I tried to be as inconspicuous as possible, siting in a corner by a large plant.

Finally, a nurse called my name and led me into an exam room, where she gave me one of those goofy gown things and took my blood pressure and temperature, and asked the routine questions. She excused herself, promising that Dr. Carlsbad would be in shortly, then slipped out of the room, leaving me alone to look at all the anti-smoking charts and so-called artwork that dotted the walls. I shifted my weight, making the paper cackle beneath me, and hesitantly changed out of my jeans and t-shirt and into the patient attire.

After what seemed forever, Dr. Carlsbad came into the exam room. He was carrying a chart and walked over, hand extended. "Brian," he said, "it's been awhile."

"I know," I nodded and shook his hand.

"Missed a couple appointments we booked," he noted, looking at the chart. He looked back up at me, "How have you been feeling?" he asked.

"Good," I answered, "Very good actually. Extremely good." I felt my face flush.

He blew onto the stethescope to warm it up. "You aren't lying to me are you?"

"No sir," I answered.

"Cos I'll find out," he warned jokingly, pressing the stethescope to my back.

"Well..." I drew a deep breath. "There was this one thing in California a couple weeks ago."

"Hmm?" he hummed, moving the stethescope, "What kind of thing?" I told him about shooting hoops and Nick having to bring me into the hotel room and the dull ache that had been bothering me for quite some time now. He nodded and drew away, turned, writing something on his clipboard and pulled a chair over. He sat down. "And how have you been treating this?"

"Aspirin," I replied.

"How many have you taken?" he asked.

"I dunno, a couple bottles," I answered.

Dr. Carlsbad stared at me, his eyes serious with disapproval. "Brian," he said, "You should've been here weeks ago. You should've been here at the first sign of pain. Why didn't you come sooner? Why didn't you call?"

"It's really not all that serious," I answered, "I really am healthy as a horse! You should see the show - it's crazy..."

"Brian, it may be serious," he said.

"What?" I asked.

Dr. Carlsbad's words came slowly, "Brian, your heart beat is very irratic, and there's some sounds going on that has me concerned. We need to run some tests. I need to look at that heart of yours. I need some blood, an x-ray, and an echocardiogram."

"Can't you just give me meds to keep it from hurting?" I asked.

He sighed. "I told you last year when we looked at it that your heart was inflammed, remember?"

I nodded. "Yes." I paused, "But since then I've been exercising a lot. I'm in really good shape. I mean we do this like two-hour show every night and it's almost exclusively cardio..."

"I'm glad to hear you're exercising, Brian, but sometimes it's not enough. Particularly with congenital defects where the tissue started out damaged in some way. You can't repair damage that's already there, only strengthen the muscle."

I shook my head, "I know that, but I'm really fine. I'm in good shape."

"Brian I spoke to you last year about the possibility of needing surgery very soon," Dr. Carlsbad said slowly, "And then you neglected coming back for over a year. Now, I need to look at your heart better - I need some scans and stuff so I can see how your heart is doing - really doing. Especially given your recent scare. But I'm telling you from what I just heard listening to your heart beat... Your heart is pumping much harder than it needs to be."

I stared at him, my throat tightening. "Okay."

"I know you don't want to hear this - nobody wants to hear this type stuff..."

I stared at my knees.

Dr. Carlsbad sighed. "Look, don't go feeling down about it until I've looked, okay?" he placed a reassuring hand on my knee, in my eye range. I looked up at him. "We'll tackle this thing one step at a time."

So I signed some forms and I was carted off to tests and the like, and hours later than I thought I would be I found myself still laying in a bed, waiting to see Dr. Carlsbad again. I hugged the blanket I'd been issued to my chest, a strange, sinking, awful sort of feeling crawling through my veins. I stared at the window, where the sun was starting to fade off over the parking lot, turning the windshields of the cars outside all golden.

Please God, I found myself thinking, Please, don't let me need surgery.

The idea of surgery terrified me because everyone I'd ever known who had gotten surgery had passed away. Despite my years of battling a heart condition, I'd never had surgery. Dr. Noonan had always insisted my heart would work its own kinks out over time, and so even though I'd spent so much time at the hopsital as a child, it truly was only for check-ups and general visits, never surgery.

The closest I'd ever come was stitches, like the ones I'd had after falling off the trunk in Indiana.

When the room door opened and Dr. Carlsbad entered the room, his face was somber. He walked to the x-ray light cubes counted on the wall, turned them on and hung up three scans in front of the light. He turned to me. "This here," he said, pointing to the first one, "Is the average heart in a man of your height, weight, and race."

I nodded. Suddenly, I felt dizzy as I realized where this talk was probably headed...

"This one," he pointed to the next image, in which the heart was bigger than the first one - nearly twice as large, "Is the average size of a heart which we need to operate on in order to keep it functioning properly."

I looked at the difference between the second and the third images he'd hung, and I felt my spirit sink. "And the third one?" I asked, bracing myself.

Dr. Carlsbad pointed to the third one, which was easily the biggest of them all. "It's yours."

I stared at the picture hovering before me and my stomach twisted. "Good Lord," I whispered.

Dr. Carlsbad sighed and sank into the seat my mother normally would've filled beside the bed I sat in. "Brian," he said, "Your heart is more than twice the size it should be. It's bigger than what I would expect a guy built like he's an NFL line backer to look like." He took a deep breath. "You have what is called a Ventricular Septal Defect, which has developed from the murmur that you were diagnosed with as a child."

"And what is that?" I asked quietly.

He got up and walked to a white board hanging beside the light box. He pulled a dry erase marker from the tray at the base and quickly drew an anatomically correct heart. He circled the bottom quarter of the muscle. "Here are your ventricles, they're the two lower chambers of your heart. They're separated by a thin wall called a septum. A normally working heart will pump unoxygenated blood through the right upper chamber - the atrium - into the right ventricle..." he drew a blue line through the chambers as he spoke. "That blood is then pumped into the lungs, where the blood is oxygenated as you breathe, and then it comes back up into the left ventricle, the left atrium, and out into your arteries and veins to oxygenate your entire body."

I stared at the illustration. "Okay," I said, "So what does a Ventricular Septal Defect do differently?" I asked.

Dr. Carlsbad switched markers and, using a green one now, he drew as he spoke once again. "A patient with a VSD essentially has a hole in the septum, allowing blood to pass from ventricle to ventricle. Either unoxygenated blood contaminates the oxygenated blood flow, or the oxygented blood will have a splash-back effect. In your case, Brian, you have a VSD with the splash-back. Basically what is happening is your heart is passing the blood through to the lungs okay but instead of going to the left atrium to be distributed correctly, your oxygenated blood is sneaking into the VSD and recirculating through your lungs. This is overworking your heart, as it's being forced to pump a greater volume of blood than it is designed by your height and weight to pump, and causing a lower oxygen level in the rest of your body."

I closed my eyes; I wanted to shut the world out. "What happens," I whispered. "Does it kill people?"

"Yes," Dr. Carlsbad said, "Left untreated, this could eventually kill you. Eventually, the overworked ventricle will fail and you'll suffer from pulmonary congestion and congestive heart failure."

I twiddled my thumbs. "And what do you do to fix it?"

Dr. Carlsbad took a deep breath, "It's a complicated surgery," he said slowly. "And because of that, I'm going to recommend you to a more skilled cardiologist. My friend Gordon Danielson works at the Mayo Clinic. He's an extremely gifted cardiothorastic surgeon."

I closed my eyes again.

"I'm going to get you started on a couple IV medications today that are going to help prep you for Dr. Danielson to arrive -- an antibiotic, and a couple others to help the venticle relax and remove excess fluid..."

"Wait, wait, hold on," I said, shaking my head, "An IV?"

"Of course," Dr. Carlsbad responded. "The antibiotic is especially important as you'll need to constantly fight infection..."

"Wait, wait," I waved my hand, "Hold up a second. I can't get the surgery now," I said.

Dr. Carlsbad shook his head, "No, Dr. Danielson is based in Rochester, Minnesota."

"No I mean because of my schedule," I argued, "I mean to say that I can't have it right now. I have to be in Jamaica in less than a week. I have a tour, a fiance, I have all this stuff going on, I don't have time for surgery."

"You need this surgery immediately Brian, you've already gone far too long without it," he argued back.

"I can't stay here right now," I said firmly, "There's no way I can rearrange the schedule..."

Dr. Carlsbad frowned. "Brian, you need this surgery or you're going to die."

Chapter Twenty-Six


I didn't go straight home from Dr. Carlsbad's office. After signing another round of AMA forms, I got in my SUV and drove around Lexington for awhile in silence. I found myself biting the loose skin at the knuckles of my free hand as I drove and thought and tried to figure out what in the hell I was going to tell my mother, father, and Leighanne when I got back to the house. As the daylight was turning to dusk, I parked my car in the lot behind Tates Creek Highschool and stood on the edge of the football field. I stared at the green sea around me and I thought about Nick with his grass audience that he'd told me about and I thought about my heart working overtime and the frightened expression that had filled Dr. Carlsbad's eyes when he'd told me.

I walked out to the middle of the field, looking at the bleachers. How many times had I sat in those bleachers, envious of various jocks who weren't overprotected by well meaning parents? How many times had I sat and watched my high school crush - a cheerleader named Jessica - wave her pompoms and dance across these sidelines? My first kiss had been under the bleachers at the far end of the field, behind a Pepsi pop machine. I'd stood on this field and performed with BSB; I'd graduated here just a few years before; I'd breathed and dreamed Tates Creek High school everyday for years of my life.

Somehow it was comforting that, no matter how famous I was, no matter how overworked or overtired or close to collapsing I ever became, Tates Creek Highschool was still here. Just like my mom was still there, like my dad. Like I hoped Leighanne would be.

I dropped onto the grass, laying on my back, staring up at the dark midnight blue sky, the pinpricks of star light gleaming down all pale and pretty. I spread my arms out on either side of me and just felt the cool grass on my back, breathing in and out, allowing my mind to fade out of clarity, just spending a few moments without thinking at all.

My mother was on the front porch by the time I arrived home and had gotten out of my car. It was dark, well past nine o'clock, and she had that worried look on her face. "Where have you been?" she demanded, "I've been worried sick out of my mind!" she threw her arms around me.

And I realized there was no way I could tell her what was wrong.

"I was out with some guys," I said, "I haven't seen'em since high school, it was crazy. I'm sorry I didn't call."

She frowned, "You damn should be," she snapped, "Your fiance is a nervous wreck you know."

Leighanne was standing in the doorway, looking scared as well. "You're okay," she said, hugging me, too, when we got to the porch. "What happened?"

I gave her a meaningful look. "I met some guys," I said. I hoped she understood that meant I'd talk to her later. That would give me time to think of what I wanted to tell her as well.

My mother insisted that I eat, even though I wasn't hungry, and she all but chained me to the couch to watch TV with them for an hour or so before Dad announced he was tired and they went to bed. Leighanne and I were left sitting on the TV, the screen flashing before us. I heard their bedroom door upstairs close.

"What happened?" Leighanne repeated her earlier question.

"I talked to Dr. Carlsbad," I replied, "He did some tests." I shrugged, trying to remin nonchalant.

Leighanne shifted so she was looking up at me. The canary yellow diamond had returned to her hand, and I felt much better seeing it there. I found myself reaching for her hand and playing with the ring on her finger. "And?" she asked.

I shrugged, and told her about the visit in as vague a manner as possible. "Nothing I haven't heard before, nothing that wasn't possible before, nothing I haven't heard all my life," I answered.

She studied me. "Did he give you medicine to fix it?" she asked.

I took a deep breath. "I need surgery," I replied slowly, "But not yet."

Her eyes widened. "When?"

I looked at that diamond. "After the tour."

Leighanne thought for a moment, "The doctor said you don't need it until after the tour?" she clarified.

I swallowed. "Well I mean it's not gonna be that big of a difference--"

"Brian," she snapped. I looked into her eyes. "If you need a surgery now, you need to get the surgery now," she said.

"I'm going to get it as soon as I can," I replied. I kissed her forehead. "As soon as I can, babe."

Leighanne shook her head, "You can't do a whole tour with this hanging over your head," she said firmly. "You need to talk to Lou, and get this done as soon as possible."

"I know..." I said.

"I wanna get really old with you," she said, clutching my hand. "I wanna get old and I wanna sit on a porch with rocking chairs like we said. I want to have children with you and I want to bake you birthday cakes with hundreds of candles on top."

I kissed her head and rested my cheek against her.

"Brian, promise me you'll go as soon as you possibly can?"

"I promise," I answered. And at the time I really had every intention of keeping the promise.

The next day, we had a flight back to Florida, and then on to Negril, Jamaica for the MTV Spring Break appearance. Lou was avoiding us like crazy and sent us down with just Johnny once again, as he'd done for Sanremo, which really pissed Johnny off.

"I really need to talk to Lou," I told Johnny in the airport when I found out Lou wasn't coming along on the trip.

"Trust me, so do I," Johnny snapped, "But we don't always get what we want." He turned away from me and continued on his phone.

The fellas were also all on edge, which was weird for us when we'd just come back from a break. Usually it was exciting, but the plane ride to Jamaica seemed to be laced with irritation and annoyance. Nick kept glancing across the cabin at Leighanne and I as we flew, a sour expression on his face.

When we landed in Jamaica - and had been profusely welcomed - we were carried off in a van to the hotel and subsequently onto the site of MTV Spring Break, which was essentially a giant beach party. A beach party with tons of alcohol and very, very little clothes. We stood at the edge of it, staring in like looking over the edge into the pits of hell.

"Oh my fucking God," Kevin whispered.

"I know," I agreed.

"IT'S THE FUCKING MECCA!" AJ bellowed.

"That girl has no - no - no - no t-top on," I squeaked. I realized Leighanne was standing beside me and quickly covered my eyes. "Not that I noticed or anything, I mean --" Leighanne laughed.

"I love this place," Nick declared.

Howie pointed to a tiki hut. "I'm going to get a drink," he announced.

"What's the drinking age here?" Nick questioned.

"Seriously, like they're checking IDs," AJ rolled his eyes.

Kevin sighed, "I'm going to regret this. It's eighteen."

"What? Seriously?" Nick's jaw had dropped. Kevin nodded. "DUDE!!! WAIT UP D!" Nick shouted and he bounded after Howie.

"See-ya bitches!" AJ yelled, running after Nick.

Kevin sighed. "They should make pills for dealing with those two."

"They're called blood pressure meds," I answered. "I have extra in my bag."

Kevin grumbled something, though I didn't quite catch what, then waved. "I'm off to keep an eye on those two idiots. See y'all later at the hotel." He disappeared amongst the crowd, headed toward the tiki where I could see Nick was already the proud owner of a neon blue drink the size of the Mohave Desert.

I turned to Leighanne, "Want to go find some place quiet?"

"Oh you read my mind," she laughed. "No offense to topless bikini girls, but they're not my cup of tea."

We turned and hailed a cab and headed into the town. It wasn't a huge town, but it had some gorgeous views and it was hotter than Hades itself. We found a little bar that was basically deserted except for a few middle-aged couples. Leighanne laughed as we dropped into seats at the bar and pulled her hair up, "Is this what we've already come to?" she asked, looking around.

"At least everybody's dressed," I laughed. I looked around, too. "And thank God for that."

We each ordered a drink and a shot, did the shots quickly to take the edge off and started sipping our drinks as a sheen of sweat formed across our brows. We talked and laughed. When Backstreet's Back came on the radio, along with the DJ announcing that we were in town and had been spotted at Spring Break, Leighanne held out her hand to me, "If you aren't gonna ask me to dance, then I will ask you."

We got up and moved to the dance floor, laughing as I attempted to teach her the Everybody dance choreography. We were practically in tears we were having so much fun. I twirled her and she leaned into my chest as we moved, oblivious to the other people in the room watching us and whispering to each other as they realized who I was.

I was hesitant to leave when it was time to head back to the hotel, but Leighanne led the way, laughing and humming Backstreet's Back under her breath. She gave me an alcohol flavored kiss and we tumbled into a cab for the return ride. The hotel had a breath taking view of the ocean and Leighanne and I were lucky enough to even have a window facing it. She opened the blinds wide and we watched the moon reflect off the gentle waves until I couldn't take being in the same room with her any longer before kissing her.

We were just about to take a shower together - I was kissing her, pressed against the wall in the bathroom - when a firm, heavy knock came against my door. "I'll see what they want and be right there," I said, planting kisses against Leighanne's neck.

"You better," she whispered.

I pulled back, tugged the bathroom door closed behind me, and looked out the peephole into the hallway. It was Kevin. I opened the door and stepped out, making sure the door didn't shut and lock behind me. "Kev," I said, "I'm kinda busy right now, can you come back in like an hour or something?"

Kevin sighed, "Nick's missing."

"What?"

"Nick, he took off from the Spring Break party and I don't know where he is."

I shrugged, "What do you want me to do about it?" I asked. I hadn't meant it to sound like a jerk thing to say, just as a general question. Somehow it came off jerky.

Kevin tossed his hands in the air, "I don't fucking know Brian, maybe give a shit?"

"I do give a shit," I said, "I do. He doesn't seem to lately, but I certainly do." I ran a hand through my hair, "But seriously I don't know where he is, Kev, he won't even speak to me one-on-one, okay?"

Kevin shook his head, "This is getting ridiculous," he commented.

"What is?" I asked.

"You and Nick, fighting; AJ drinking 24/7..." he sighed, "It's just fucked is all. It's not okay." He massaged his temples for a second, then looked up at me. "It's just - I feel -" He paused. "Fuck it. Forget it." He turned and started to walk away.

"You aren't his dad, Kev," I said to his retreating back, "You aren't his dad and the more you try to be, the worse it's gonna get."

He didn't respond.

"What's going on?" Leighanne asked when I got back into the hotel room, sticking her head out of the shower stall.

"Nick's missing, I guess he left the party earlier and nobody knows where he took off to," I replied. Though the words were coming out of my mouth, I could barely hear myself because Leighanne's shape was nearly visible through the frosted glass of the shower stall. Steam poured out around her.

She frowned, "He's missing? That can't be good."

"Him and AJ disappeared in Hollywood last month," I said, still staring at her shape. "They were getting in shit then, too."

Leighanne sighed. "I feel so bad for him. Don't you?"

"Uh huh."

She looked at my eyes, followed my gaze, realized what I was staring at and made a clucking sound with her tongue, then disappeared into the shower again.

I know I should've been more concerned about Nick and his whereabouts at that moment but honestly I was transfixed. Plus I knew even if I had some magic tracking device that would lead me right to Nick, he still wouldn't talk to me - and anything he said would only hurt more than help the situation. It would only lead to me saying things I really didn't need to be saying... So I jumped in with Leighanne and we had a really wonderful night during which I pushed Nick out of my mind as completely as possible.

The next morning, I was getting eggs from the hotel breakfast when Kevin appeared at my side. "If you give a damn," he said, "Nick is fine."

"Of course I give a damn," I replied, rolling my eyes. "Where was he?"

"He got drunk and passed out on the beach," Kevin answered. "Security found him a couple hours after I stopped by your room." He sighed. "Him and AJ both got so drunk yesterday... I'm really worried about them. Both of them."

I thought about the conversation AJ and I had held in the bathroom that one night back in January and I nodded, agreeing with Kevin's statement. "I've been worried for awhile now," I answered.

"You need to talk to Nick," he said firmly.

"I didn't do anything wrong," I answered, "Not really. I told his mom about -- something -- but he told me that he'd already told her..."

Kevin stared at me for a second, "Does this have something to do with her suing Lou Pearlman?" he asked.

I choked and dropped a cup of orange juice. It hit the floor and the juice sprayed every which way, pooling out around my feet the way blood might. "What?" I asked.

"Jane Carter," Kevin replied, ignoring the juice spreading across the tiled floor, "She's threatening to sue Lou and nobody knows why."

"Since when?" I demanded.

"Couple days ago..." Kevin paused, "Oh that's right you were up in Kentucky, you probably didn't hear." He shrugged. "I've been trying to figure out what the hell was up with that because I haven't actually heard a reason for attempting to sue him, and Nick won't talk about it..."

A hotel employee nudged me out of the way and started mopping up my orange juice. I felt kinda dazed. Nick was probably freaking out over this. I pushed around Kevin, toting my plate of eggs, and rode the elevator up to our floor. I knocked on Nick and AJ's door and waited. After a long pause, the door slowly opened and Nick stood before me, his eyes blood shot, hair sticking up in odd places, shirt wrinkled. He stared at me for a long moment, glanced down at my eggs, and said, "What do you want?"

"Kevin just told me," I said, "About your mom. She's suing Lou?"

Nick rolled his eyes and started to slam the door, but I caught it. "Wait," I said, "Please."

"Why, so you can fuck my life up worse then you already have this week?" he demanded. "Bri do you know how embarassing it is having my mom asking me all kinds of personal sex shit?" He shook his head and started to close the door again so I wedged my foot to keep it open.

"Why did you lie to me, about telling her before?" I asked.

Nick sighed, "Because."

"Because what?"

"Because you didn't need to be worrying about me and my problems and you seemed worried and you seemed like it would help if you weren't the only person that knew or something. I dunno."

I licked my lips. "Nick, when I was sitting there waiting for you to come out and it was all awkward silence between me and your mum, I only brought it up because I thought she knew already, and then I just wanted her to know that you didn't want her and your dad fighting about it, that's all."

Nick stared at his feet. He looked up after a long pause. "I get that, but you still shouldn't have been talking to her or anybody else about it. I don't care if you think they know or what I told you about it." He rubbed the back of his neck. "Brian, sometimes I tell you shit and I don't want anyone else knowing it."

"I understand."

He shrugged, "I don't know what else to say to you at this point," he said.

I sighed, "You're still my Frack, right?"

He shrugged, "I guess."

"Don't sound so enthusiastic about it," I teased.

Nick's eyes met mine, "I'm sorry," he said. "Sometimes its hard to take back things you say." He backed up into the room. "I'll see you tonight." He closed the door on me and my plate of now cold eggs.

I didn't bother going to get more breakfast. I went back to the hotel room Leighanne and I were sharing. I found a note saying she'd gone down to the pool. I chucked the eggs and the dirty plate they were on into the trash bin and I sank onto the bed and closed my eyes, squeezing tears to keep them inside of me.

Chapter Twenty-Seven


That afternoon, we played the main stage at the Spring Break party. The wind was whipping off the ocean and kept making Nick's dutch-boy-length hair cross into his face and eyes and he kept having to smooth it back. The sun was hot and the air was humid, making our shirts stick to our skin. Given the way my t-shirt had seemed to become some form of paste, I started to understand why everyone in the crowd was wearing bikinis and swim trunks as a norm. I couldn't imagine how hot it would be packed in among all those bodies or what the smell would be like from all the sweating.

After the show, we went to go change for dinner and Johnny called a band meeting because he had some schedule changes for us. I couldn't help but glance at Leighanne and wonder if she'd worked magic somehow and gotten me the time off I needed. I pictured Johnny saying that he'd pray for me and then all the fellas worried looks and finally Nick apologizing for being a shithead and everything going back to normal where none of us ignored each other's pains and we all got along and maybe Lou even paid us fair wages. By the time I got to the restaurant we were eating at, I'd nearly talked myself into thinking it was a fact that this was what happened, and I had mentally worked out the thank you and don't worry, everything will be okay speech I was going to give.

"I know you kids were supposed to have this weekend off before we head over to Europe, but Lou scheduled a relief benefit concert in Orlando for the 14th," Johnny said by way of announcement.

My imagination deflated.

"There was a lot of damage in our hometown caused by the tornadoes --"

I'd completely forgotten about the tornadoes. I felt guilty for not caring about other people's pains, being so engulfed in my own. Selfish, I blamed myself.

"--and we think it would be really good publicity if you clowns play a show where all the proceeds go to the city to help the rebuilding effort," Johnny continued.

Kevin nodded solemnly, "I like that idea."

"Count me in," AJ agreed.

"Brian? Howie? Nick?" Johnny looked at us.

Nick was biting his nails.

"It's not like we have a choice," I said, shrugging. "Not that I don't want to help the tornado victims, I mean, I'm just saying. Why are you bothering to ask us if we're in? You're going to make us do it anyways. It's already booked, isn't it? It's already on the schedule. God almighty help us if the schedule alters."

Johnny's eyes narrowed, but he didn't deny it or argue, nor did he particularly press the subject of getting us to agree to do the show.

When I got back to the hotel room, Leighanne was laying on the bed, looking out the window and eating from a room service tray. She looked up, smiled, and held out a strawberry to me. I bent down and ate it out of her hand, kissing her fingers. She laughed. "So did you talk to the guys about the surgery?" she asked as I slid onto the bed beside her and wrapped my arm around her.

"No," I answered, "It wasn't the right time."

"When is the right time going to come?" she asked.

"I dunno, I'll know it when it's here though."

She sighed, but she didn't argue with me - which I was thankful for - and instead she changed the question to, "So what was it about, then?"

"Lou scheduled us a relief benefit concert in Orlando," I answered, "To help raise money for the tonado victims."

A smile spread across her face, "Aw, that's really nice," she said. She rolled over and kissed my chin, "You're like a hero."

"Nawh," I answered. But her words did make me feel pretty awesome, I have to admit. I felt prideful. My voice was capable of raising money to help people who were in need, who were in trouble, who needed help that I could provide them. "Not exactly a hero."

Leighanne seemed to know my ego had just swelled because she smiled and ran her hand down the length of my arm. She squeezed my fingers. "Mmhm," she whispered in a husky voice, "Exactly a hero." She moved until she was pressed against me, until I could feel every inch of her body. I held her closer and just felt thankful she was there. It wasn't a sexual moment, it was just a good one. I liked these sorts of moments, when I just knew she was there.

We fell asleep like that.

The next morning at breakfast, Johnny managed to get us all there at the same time, and he anxiously waited while we collectd our food and returned to the huge table he'd staked out. Leighanne sat next to me and slid a piece of mango into my mouth, telling me I had to try it. When all five of us fellas had finally settled down, Johnny said, "Lou called me this morning."

Kevin was shovelling cereal into his mouth.

"And we've pushed the relief concert back a day."

"What? Why?" Howie asked.

Kevin shovelled more cereal into his mouth. Nick was pushing eggs around his plate. AJ took a sip of juice.

"Because we got the word that you guys are going to be making an appearance on Saturday Night Live."

Kevin and AJ both spit in shock, Nick dropped his fork, Howie dropped his jaw, and I blinked in surprise. Leighanne jumped to throw napkins over AJ's spit-riddled orange juice mess.

"Saturday Night Live - seriously? The Saturday Night Live?" Kevin demanded.

"Live from New York, it's Saturday Night," Johnny replied.

"That is the fuckin' coolest thing I ever heard you say," AJ crowed, "Dude that's gonna be fucking awesome."

"Do we get to do skits?" Howie asked.

"We get to meet the cast!" Nick exclaimed.

And the table burst into a flurry of conversation and excitement as we all discussed favorite scenes from SNL over the years and how awesome it was gonna be to be featured on the show. Johnny went over our new flight itineraries because our travel plans had completely changed now, obviously, but we were all okay with that for once because it was SNL, for crying out loud, and none of us were about to complain about that.

We were still doing our best impressions of Chris Farley's dowwwn by the riiiiver skit as we retreated to our rooms to pack to head back to the States. At the airport, Johnny filled us in that the host was going to be Julianne Moore and AJ, Nick, and Howie instantly started a heated debate on whether she was hot or not, and Nick admitted he thought Molly Shannon was hotter, which made AJ and Howie erupt into a discussion about Julianne's performance in Boogie Nights and some other movie about a dude that goes bowling or something that was either new or coming out, I wasn't really paying attention to them.

Lou met us at the airport in New York City in high spirits, as were the rest of us, but I did notice that he avoided Nick like the plague. I hadn't realized how often he did tend to rest his hands on Nick's shoulders or whatnot until I saw how uncharacteristic he seemed staying away from Nick altogether. It was like the guy didn't know what to do with his hands, and he shifted them from his pants pockets to folded across his chest, and back again to his pockets.

Leighanne nudged me in the car, "You should tell them today," she said.

"What?" I asked, glancing around, "But --"

"The timing's perfect," she answered, "Everyone's in such a good mood."

Which was exactly why I didn't want to tell them. Why ruin a good mood when they so infrequently happened?

But at Leighanne's assistance, I pulled Lou aside in the lobby at the hotel, "I need to talk to you at some point, okay?" I asked.

Lou sighed, "If this is about the gigantic engagement ring on your fiance's finger, then yes, we do need to talk."

"Well that, too," I said, flushing. I hadn't even thought of that.

Lou shook his head, "We really should've planned this ahead of time, like before you had her following you around wearing that thing. You know how bad this is going to effect your sales? A boy band member getting engaged..." he rolled his eyes.

"It shouldn't effect sales," I said, "I can still sing."

"Yeah but once you're married, you're off-limits, and a lot of girls will think twice." Lou shrugged.

"That's ridiculous," I snapped.

"It's how the world turns," Lou replied, and he pushed away, announcing who was rooming where and with whom. It wasn't until he'd handed me the room key and meandered into the elevator that I realized that I hadn't gotten the okay to talk to him about my heart.

Upstairs in the hallway, I stopped him again. "So when would be a good time to talk to you?" I asked, "I can swing by the room and --"

Lou studied me a moment, then his eyes flickered to Nick who was shouting down the hallway to AJ, and then back to me. "That wouldn't be a good idea," he replied. "I'm busy. Next week." He disappeared into the hotel room and slammed the door.

I sighed.

"You get a woman and the single," said Howie, suddenly behind me, "I need to bring Carol on tour."

"What would happen if more than one of us had a girl on tour at the same time?" AJ wondered.

"Maybe you should leave that worry to the guys who have real girlfriends and not just blow up dolls," Kevin teased.

AJ rolled his eyes, "She ain't a fuckin' blow up doll, Jesus."

"She doesn't exist at all," Howie laughed. AJ flipped the bird and went into the hotel room Nick had already disappeared into.

Once I'd joined Leighanne in our own room, she asked, "Did you talk to Lou?"

"He said we could talk about scheduling time off next week," I answered, even though that wasn't expressly what Lou had said I figured it wasn't so much of a stretch as to be considered a lie.

Leighanne smiled, "That's good," she said. "So when do you talk to him? When do you call your doctor?"

"Next week?" I ventured.

Concern passed over Leighanne's face. "What? You mean he's gonna talk to you next week, not schedule you time off next week?" I realized suddenly how Leighanne had taken my response.

"Yes, sorry," I answered.

"Brian -- What the hell? He can't even make a couple minutes to sit and talk with you?" she demanded.

"He thinks it wouldn't be a good idea for him to invite me to his hotel room," I replied, "Not right now, with the whole thing with Nick going on and --"

"What thing with Nick?" Leighanne demanded, "That's so ridiculous, what in the hell could possibly be going on with Nick that Lou wouldn't be able to talk to you for five minutes because of?"

I felt the words coming out of my mouth before I could stop them. "Nick's mother's trying to sue Lou because I told her Lou was trying to molest Nick."

Leighanne's jaw dropped. "What?" she asked.

I felt my face go all hot. "Please don't tell him I told you that. Please. You can't. He only just barely started talking to me again and --"

"Lou tried to molest Nick?" Leighanne asked.

My cheeks were practically on fire. I grabbed her hands. "Seriously, you can't tell Nick I told you this okay?"

"Is he okay?" Leighanne's eyes fogged with worry for Nick.

"Yes," I answered, "I guess so. I mean he's been a liar lately, but I mean he said nothing really happened, only that it was really strongly suggested. He told AJ and me."

"And he's pissed because you told his mother?" Leighanne asked.

"Him and his mother aren't exactly the - um - closest," I admitted.

Leighanne closed her eyes and bit her lips. When she opened them again a moment later, her voice came out quiet and low, "That poor kid."

"What?"

"Nick," she said, "I feel bad for him. He's been through hell, hasn't he?"

I shifted uncomfortably. "I um.. I guess."

Leighanne sighed. She shook her head. "Something needs to be done about Lou. He's abusing you guys in every way you can possibly be abused and it needs to stop."

"I don't know how to stop it," I replied.

"It starts by demanding to talk to him," she said, "Demanding he talk now. It starts there because you need to get well before you try to take on any battles." Leighanne looked me deep in the eyes, "You have to do something. You can't be passive about this. You all deserve better than he is giving you."

I nodded.

"I'm serious Brian," Leighanne said, "It's important... It's imperative, even."

"I know," I answered.

"So go talk to Lou," she said.

"Now?"

"Right now."

I ran my hand along the back of my neck. "But right now is --"

"The best time," Leighanne finished for me with a firm voice. "Go talk to Lou. Lay down the law. Tell him what you need and be authoritative. Remember, he works for you, not the other way around."

I nodded. Leighanne's pep talk was actually helping. Again, I felt my ego swell like it had the day before. I took a deep breath, sticking out my chest, and nodded again. "I can do this," I said. "I can do this."

"I know you can. Now go do it."

I strut out of the hotel room, feeling brave and impressive, and marched myself right over to Lou's hotel room door. I knocked, and the door opened and Lou stood there in front of me, all fat and intimidating, and he stared at me for a long moment. "What?" he demanded.

"We need to talk. Not next week. Not later. Now," I said.

Lou glowered. "Fine." He opened the hotel room door, allowing me inside.

Chapter Twenty-Eight


Lou closed the door behind me as I walked into his hotel room. I turned to face him as he lumbered towards me, his face red with irritation. "What the hell is so damn important it couldn't wait until a better time?" he demanded roughly. He moved past me and started shovelling paperwork he'd been processing - it looked like financial stuff - into a briefcase, which he snapped closed quickly the moment he realized I was looking that direction. "You wanted to talk, so talk."

I drew a deep breath. "Lou, when I got home from Sanremo, I had an appointment at my cardiologist." I paused, expecting him to ask why or what was wrong or to at least look worried. Instead, I got a dead-pan stare without a flicker of emotion. So I continued, "He said that I need surgery."

There was an extremely long, silent pause between us as I waited for Lou to respond and he waited for -- I don't know what he was waiting for. He just stared at me. Finally, after probably a minute of solid silence, he said, "And what in the hell do you want me to do about it?"

"I need surgery," I repeated, "And I need it as soon as possible. My heart is literally swelling to the size of an NFL linebacker and every moment I wait the tear in my sternum gets worse."

Lou shrugged, "So get the fucking surgery."

"Well I need time to get the surgery done and to recover," I replied.

Lou turned and walked over to a chair in the corner. Lowering himself into it, he muttered, "Just let me know how long it's going to take," he said, "So I can clear your schedule."

I felt elation melt over me. I couldn't form words, could barely breathe. Seriously? It was that easy? He must've been just having a bad day the first time I'd discussed this topic with him. Must've rethought it. Maybe the seriousness of me having spoken to a doctor, of the idea of surgery, had made him realize how important this was.

"Thank you," I said, "I'll book a plane to Kentucky for right after the benefit show and --"

"I hardly think 24-hours will be enough time to have a surgery and recover, Mr. Littrell," Lou said. He pulled the ottoman closer and put the briefcase on it, popping it open.

"But you just said you'd clear my schedule," I said, confused.

"After Europe, yes. I can't cancel already booked dates," he said, "But I'll keep your schedule clear for a week or two --"

"Week or two?!"

"-- after Europe," Lou finished, ignoring my outburst. He put on a pair of reading glasses and looked down at the contents of his briefcase, seeming to dismiss me.

"Lou, we're in Europe until the end of April!" I exclaimed.

He stared at me.

"I need to get this done like now," I said.

Lou lowered his glasses, "Brian you clearly have no idea what it takes to cancel a concert. How much money we -- you -- lose by doing so."

"Don't get me started on finances Lou," I snapped.

Lou raised an eyebrow. He cleared his throat, took the classes off completely, laying them in the briefcase, and stood up. "Perhaps I'm not making myself clear," he said, voice low. "It costs thousands of dollars to cancel a show - thousands. Not to mention postpone an entire tour." He shook his head. "You are not dying yet," he said. He sat back down.

"I have to be dying to make my heart worth stopping a tour for?" I demanded.

Lou put his glasses back on and looked down at his paperwork.

"Some money is worth more to you than my life?"

"Of course not," he answered. He looked up again and sighed. "Brian don't you understand? This is what you've been working for for years." He shook his head, "I don't wanna see you throw it away carelessly. I know your surgery is important, trust me I know that, but I also know this tour is important. You aren't dying yet," he said. He shrugged, "Is it so horrible of me that I don't want you to go off and get surgery and have no career to come back to?"

I rubbed my arm. "But --"

"You're in good shape, Brian," Lou said, "I just don't see how one more month will really hurt you."

I stepped into the hall five minutes later and pulled Lou's room door shut behind me. I closed my eyes and leaned against the wall outside, my heart pounding in my chest, breathing in and out, which was a lot more work than it sounds like it should be.

"BRok?"

I opened my eyes. AJ and Nick were standing a couple feet away. AJ was looking at me with concern, Nick was actively trying not to look at me.

"You okay?" AJ asked.

I shook my head.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

Nick looked over, a half of a spark of curiosity in his eyes.

"It doesn't matter," I replied. I walked away.

"Brian?" AJ called after me as I opened my hotel room door. "Jesus, what the fuck is up his ass?" I heard him ask Nick before I closed the door.

"I dunno," Nick answered, "He's been a real dick lately."

I closed the door and took a deep breath.

"Brian?" Leighanne called out, "How'd it go?"

I sat down next to her on the bed, tucking myself around her body. "I feel like you're the only person in the entire world that cares," I whispered. Leighanne let out a slow breath. I felt her tense up, about to say something about Lou or something, and I shook my head against her shoulder, "Don't say it," I said quietly. "Please. Just let me hold you."

The next morning, as I got ready for the day working with the fellas, I stared myself down in the mirror as I swallowed my wide array of meds and about four glasses of water. I wasn't gonna take any shit from any of them - especially not Nick - and Lou might think he was bossing me around, forcing me to do the European leg of the tour, but he was wrong. I was choosing to stay through Europe, an investment in my career, and then, no matter what, I was gonna get home and get my surgery done right afterwards. Then, if something did happen, if I did die on the table during my operation, at least I wouldn't be known as the Backstreet Boy who quit. I would not be the one who whined about my chest hurting. I would be the strong one, the one who moved forward even through all the pain I was feeling. I'd be that happy kid in cardio again.

I'd be Batman.

"You could just walk out," Leighanne said, watching as I pulled on my shirt.

"Just walk away?" I asked from inside my t-shirt. I tugged my head through the hole. "I can't just walk away. If I walk away, I'm forfeiting everything."

She shook her head, "No you aren't. You're saving your own life is what you're doing if you walk away. Brian, your fans are loyal. Even if you get thrown out of Backstreet somehow - which I don't see how - your fans aren't gonna let you disappear out of the music industry. You'll get a better contract somewhere else or something. You can sing solo."

"Backstreet isn't just a band," I said to her, "It's a family." I thought of the moment I'd said those same words to Nick and a pang of regret went through my heart, a brief moment of doubt in which I wondered how family like we were now. But I shook it off. "I can't just walk away."

She stared up at me as I shoved deoderant under my arms. "What if you get worse? What if there's no warning and you just --- die?" she asked.

"I'm not gonna die," I replied. I capped my deoderant and walked over, kissed her forehead. "I'm gonna live. I'm gonna grow old with you." I smiled down at her. "I just gotta do this small tour real quick first then I'll go get the surgery done and everything will be fine."

She sighed.

"Babe," I said. I sat down and lifted her hand to my mouth. I pressed a kiss against it. "Don't doubt it okay? We're gonna be okay."

Leighanne's eyes were dangerously filled, so close to tears that they shimmered. "You better be, mister."

I felt my throat start to close up. No, I said, as I felt my eyes begin to mist over. I jumped to my feet and grabbed my wallet off the nightstand, shoved it into my pocket. "I'll be back," I said.

Downstairs with the other guys, I avoided eye contact with Lou, Nick, or AJ, and climbed into the waiting van, sitting between Howie and Kevin. Kevin looked over at me as he buckled his seat belt. "What's up?" he asked.

"Nothing," I answered.

Howie looked over, too. "Something," he replied.

"Nothing," I answered.

It was a long day. I mean it was unbelievable - we were on the set of Saturday Night Live for crying outloud! The afternoon was filled with cast photoshoots, and looking over scripts and talking about cues and everything. AJ and Howie fell over each other trying to impress Julianne Moore, while Nick was far more excited to meet Molly Shannon. We spent the night laughing, and for a couple minutes we almost seemed like we were getting along, like maybe things were okay. We did our performances, and watched the show from the sidelines. It was a great show, so many hilarious skits my sides ached by the time we were done.

After the show, we went back to the hotel to collect our bags and pick up Leighanne and it was off to the airport to fly back to Orlando for the relief concert the next night. "I strongly encourage you all to sleep on the plane," Lou said as he handed out our tickets, "We're gonna have a long ass day tomorrow and it wraps with an overnight flight to Dublin."

"I don't know how you Boys do this all the time," Leighanne said with a yawn. "I slept all day while you were off with the guys and I'm still exhausted."

I laughed. "It takes some serious balls to be a Backstreet Boy," I said.

"Or at least a case of insomnia," she laughed.

On the flight to Florida, I tried my best to sleep but every time I closed my eyes and started to drift off, I found myself in that dream where I was laying on the stage and I ripped myself out of it before Lou could descend on my heart. I didn't think I could take that dream again. Not tonight, not now that I knew about my heart.

I glanced around the plane and my eyes connected with Nick's - who was also looking over at me. He looked sad. As soon as he realized I was looking back, he looked away.

When the plane landed in Orlando, I was so tired I could've fallen asleep on a bed of tacks. Instead, though, I was herded, along with the other fellas, out of the terminal to a waiting shuttle, which brought us to Universal Studios, where we were going to be doing the show a little after noon outside the Hard Rock Cafe.

Because Johnny was involved, several other bands he worked with or had contacts with were also booked, including NSYNC. Nick kept shooting irritated glances Justin Timberlake's way. Because they were both considered "the heartthrob", he seemed to have taken some sort of personal vendetta against the guy. I mean his hair was a really ridiculous, but then again so was Nick's and AJ's so I had nothing against him. After all, he was being managed by Johnny and Lou, too. He was probably going through just as much bullcrap as we were.

I wondered if any of those guys could get time off if they had to have a heart surgery.

It might be exaggerating to say that half of Florida turned out for the event, I don't know, but it seemed like half of Florida was gathered in front of Hard Rock by eleven in the morning. We all ate lunch and ran through vocal warm-ups inside the restaurant and when the time came, we went out and did what we do best. But there was something more - something special about the show - something that I can't quite explain except to say that, despite how freaking exhausted I was, I knew I was helping to change lives, helping to save people whose lives had been devestated. And maybe I was just one guy and maybe I couldn't do a hell of a lot as far as dictating my own schedule and stuff, but if I could change just one life by singing, then I was going to put my entire heart and soul into the performance.

I think all five of us felt that way.

As soon as we stepped off the stage, we were whisked off to the airport yet again. It was dizzying, worse even than the travel in Canada had been. In four days' time I'd been in Jamaica, New York, Florida, and soon Ireland. It was crazy.

At the airport, while we were waiting to board the plane, Leighanne and I were talking quietly when Lou sat down across from us. I could feel him staring at us as we talked. It took Leighanne a moment longer to notice, and when she did she turned to face him. The warmth in her eyes melted away as she looked at him.

"We need to talk," Lou said carefully, "About what we're going to be telling the fanbase about you two."

Leighanne's brow shifted. "What?"

I cleared my throat, "Can't we do this later?" I asked.

Lou continued on, as though I hadn't asked, "It's simply unacceptable that you Boys be anything but single guys on this tour," he said, "Your fans depend on you being single."

"They depend on him being single, how exactly?" Leighanne asked.

"Sex sells, sweetie," Lou replied.

"Don't call me Sweetie," Leighanne growled.

"And it's important that we sell right now," Lou continued, ignoring her. "If they see you as anything but available, the fanbase may decrease and hurt your sales and your chances of success."

I looked down at my knees.

"It could make the revenue decrease," Lou added, "Which means you'd get paid less."

"Paid less?" Leighanne snarled. "Paid less than what? The going payrate in a sweatshop?"

"Excuse me?" Lou looked at her with irritation.

"Minimum wage is bullshit," she snapped.

"Leighanne," I said, reaching for her hand.

"No Brian! No. Everyone's so scared of telling you what they think of you and your so called business," Leighanne said hotly, "Well I'm not. I'm not contracted to you and I don't have to listen to you. You're an old, perverted bastard and you don't deserve to work with these Boys. You don't deserve their respect and their allegience." She stood up, "You deserve to rot in hell, Mr. Pearlman." And she stormed away.

I swallowed a lump rising in my throat. I started to stand up to go after her, but Lou barked, "SIT DOWN," and I dropped into my seat again. He licked his lip. "You've got yourself a hot ticket there, Brian," he said, "Maybe you should get her a muzzle."

I scowled. "Don't talk about her like that," I said.

"You need to learn how to control your woman," Lou laughed. He took a deep breath, "Look, I tell you this for her sake as much as mine and yours," he said slowly, "You don't know what jealous women are like."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Lou shrugged, "I'm just saying that there's no telling what fans who are jealous will do," he said.

I stood up. "If you're quite finished --"

"You should say she's your cousin if you're asked," he said. I shook my head and started walking away. "It's for her own safety, Brian!" Lou called after me, "I really just want what's best for everyone!"

I found Leighanne sitting at a cafe table not too far away. She was ripping up a napkin from the holder and staring at the pile of shreds she'd made. I sat down across from her and she looked up. "I'm sorry," she said, "That man just disgusts me. Especially after you told me about Nick and what he said to you and --" she shook her head. "I can't stand him."

"I know," I said.

Leighanne looked into my eyes, "He treats you guys like crap and you just let him. You all just let him."

"Well he's our manager."

"Exactly. He's your manager. You employ him. He depends on you just as much if not more than you depend on him. Remember that."

I sighed, "He's practically family at this point," I argued. "It's not as black-and-white as you make it sound."

"Family," she said, "Does not destroy one another the way he destroys you."

"He's just trying to help," I said quietly.

"Help?" Leighanne scoffed.

"He's worried about what the fans will do if you and I go public with the engagement," I said slowly, "He's just trying to protect you really. He's just trying to help."

"Right. Help." She shook her head, "Yeah, Brian, and he's also trying to help Nick by molesting him, he's trying to help you by not letting you get your surgery. I'm sure he's helping AJ, Howie, and Kevin in some way. And he's helping all of you by spending hundreds of dollars on those nice business suits he's always wearing - he's helping all of you by lining his wallet with your money, money that rightly belongs to you Boys." She shook her head. "It's so messed up and you don't even see it."

"I see it, okay," I said, "But it's not easy, it's a really hard thing, it's hard to realize you've been betrayed by someone you trusted, you know? It's hard. And I'm doing my best, that's the most you or anyone else can ask of me to do." I took her hands, "And I'm gonna figure this out and I'm gonna do something to change it. I just gotta figure out what to do and how, that's all. I just gotta figure it out first."

Chapter Twenty-Nine


"I can't believe we're in fucking Dublin, Ireland on Saint Patrick's Day," AJ said, pressing his face against the window of the car, looking out at the city. It was about eleven o'clock at night on the 16th, and the city streets were crawling with people. Every bar was lit up and the sounds of Irish drinking songs poured out of them and mixed together in the street to make a dull hum that underlined the usual sounds of a city. Signs and banners everywhere boasted specials on beers. AJ turned to look at the rest of us. "Did y'all ever think you'd ever be in Ire-fucking-land for Saint Paddy's?"

Nick's eyes were bright, "What's the drinking age here?"

"It doesn't matter," Lou snapped, "None of you have time to go drinking."

AJ rolled his eyes, "Don't be such a hard ass kill joy, Lou," he said.

Kevin leaned forward, "Actually I wouldn't mind a beer myself," he said, "Seeing as it's St. Paddy's and all."

Johnny turned to look back at him, "We've got a really full schedule the next two days," he replied.

Kevin sat back and Nick pouted and AJ huffed and looked back out the window. I glanced over at Howie, but he was asleep. Leighanne, who was next to me, squeezed my hand, and I smiled at her.

At the hotel, Lou did the usual routine of putting us in our separate rooms, but he pulled a surprise on us by pairing AJ and Howie together and putting Nick in with Kevin. Kevin looked at the room key and raised an eyebrow, "Really?" he asked.

"Seriously?" Nick echoed.

Lou nodded. "I figure if anyone's gonna keep a safe watch on Nick it's you," he said to Kevin. "Make sure he doesn't do anything he shouldn't be doing," he added.

Kevin nodded.

Up in the room, Leighanne and I started undoing our luggage to find the things we needed for the next two days and unpack them. Leighanne hung up her dresses so they wouldn't wrinkle, and we looked out the third-story window at the cobblestone side street our room overlooked.
The next morning Lou had us up bright and early as usual. Nick was shooting Kevin irritated glances almost every time he spoke. We did an early morning news show interview and a quick stop at a local Dublin radio, followed by lunch, and an afternoon signing CDs at a record store. After we'd pretty much all begun suffering with carpal tunnel syndrome, we were brought to the venue to begin our rehearsals and soundchecks.

The RDS Arena was an open-air sports arena and with the grass covered and the stage set up sat around 18,000 people. We'd sold the stadium out for two nights in a row. The halls backstage were lined with photos and posters for futbol and rugby and horse racing. We could hear the fans as they filled the stadium with shouts and shrieks. Even before getting out there, the crowd was loud, and we attributed that to the excitement of Saint Patrick's Day.

When the show began, we couldn't see the stars because of our stage lights, but knowing they were up there over our heads was exciting. The crowd was on fire, and the show went incredibly because we were feeding off their energy. Plus being the first show of the tour, even though it wasn't like we'd been off and relaxing in between tours or anything, still had a special feeling to it, an inaugeral sort of air. I kept peeking over at Leighanne, waiting in the wings, her face wide in a smile. Once, I looked over during All I Have To Give and I saw she had her eyes closed and her lips moved along with mine saying the lyrics.

After the show, on the way back to the hotel, Lou gave us another talk about staying out of trouble, and made another appeal to Kevin's fatherly instincts to keep Nick where he should be that night. We had a huge crowd of fans to break through to get into the elevator at the far side of the lobby, shrieking loudly and asking for hugs and autographs. Security ran us through, though we tried to say hello and touch hands with as many of them as possible. AJ managed to have his hat stolen and Howie had chosen to hug one too many girls on the way through and ended up with his shirt looking like Shredder from the Ninja Turtles had been after him.

Upstairs, Kevin said good night and dragged a scowling Nick into their hotel room. Leighanne and I bade AJ and Howie night and went into ours as well. We sat on the bed and pulled out the Monopoly game we'd packed and started setting it up. It'd been maybe a half an hour since we arrived, and I'd already managed to buy Park Place, when there was a knock on our door.

It was Kevin. His eyes sparkled and he glanced over his shoulder, his voice low, "It's Saint Paddy's," he said quietly. "There's only one place you should be in Ireland on Saint Paddy's day."

"What?"

He grinned. "C'mon. Let's go."

"But Lou said --"

"Oh fuck Lou," Kevin waved a hand at the far end of the hallway. "Meet us in the stair well."

I ducked back into the room. "The fellas are planning a prison break," I said.

Leighanne looked up, "What?"

"They wanna go to a bar in honor of St. Paddy's," I replied.

Leighanne grinned mischeviously.

She was still grinning twenty minutes later, when we'd snuck down the stairs and out a back door of the hotel onto the cobble-stoned street our room overlooked, downtown to a pub that glowed with warm light and smelled of ale. After we'd all been carded at the door, we found a booth in the corner to the side of a wide dance floor. A ragtag band played from a cleared space in the corner, traditional Irish music, fastpaced and exciting. People danced on the floor in a blur of color and shouting. Kevin bought a round of pints and we sat with our foaming, iced glasses.

"I can't believe we're fucking doin' this!" AJ crowed, slamming his open-palmed hand on the table, "This is classic, this is incredible." He took a large gulp of the beer, "Jesus Christ, I fuckin' love Ireland!" he crowed.

Nick took a gulp of his beer, and the foam settled on his upper lip. "I love being eighteen in Europe," he declared with a burp.

"As long as you're responsible with it," Kevin said.

"Yeah-huh," Nick nodded, gulping more beer down.

Howie laughed, "This is pretty awesome. I'm part Irish you know," he added with a nod. "That's why I can drink any one of you bastards under a table," he said, winking.

Leighanne grinned, "I could out drink any one of you if I wanted to," she said, she looked at Howie, "Even you, Howard."

"I call bullshit," Howie shouted with a look of amusement in his eyes.

"She's full of crap," I laughed, "She said she could beat me at Monopoly too and I have yet to see that."

Leighanne turned to me, "Oh just because you interrupt our game to pub crawl doesn't mean --" I interrupted her by leaning down and pressing my mouth to hers. She laughed into the kiss and wrapped her arms around my neck.

"Get a room," Nick groaned from across the table. He kicked me under it.

We separated and Leighanne turned to look around the table. "Which one of you Boys knows how to dance?" she asked.

A look of confusion crossed Nick's face, "What? We just spent the last two hours doing a show that's nothing but dancing," he said.

"That's choreography," Leighanne said, shaking her head, "I mean real honest to goodness dancing." She waved a hand at the dance floor, where the people were really moving at a good pace. They all seemed to know the steps, like they'd been choreographed, too.

Kevin stood up, drained his pint glass, and held out his hand. "I am a cerified ballroom instructor," he informed her.

Leighanne grinned. She looked at me. "No offense?"

"None taken," I replied, sliding out of the booth to let her out. She leaped to her feet, reached for her hair and let it down. It fell in long golden waves across her back like a splash of water across the green dress she'd put on, and Kevin took her hand and led her onto the dance floor. I watched as he spun her once and they fell into steps with the other dances on the floor. Her dress fluttered and flowed with every move and tiny sequins that were stitched in swirling patterns across the skirt kicked up in the house lights.

Howie shook his head, "Hot damn she's beautiful." He turned to look at me, "You're a lucky man."

"I know," I replied, hypnotized by them.

AJ had finished his beer, too. "I'm gonna go get another round," he said and he slid out of the booth and disappeared into the crowd.

Nick clutched his pint. He looked over at me and Howie. "How come Lou didn't want us to have any fun?" he asked.

"Because Lou's old and can't have fun himself," Howie replied, sipping his beer.

Nick laughed, "Yeah he's an old Bison." He finished off his beer and put the glass back down heavily. "I feel closer to you guys when we do stuff like this," he admitted. "Sometimes I feel like y'all think I'm a little kid and stuff, you know? Especially Kevin." He looked out at the dance floor. "I'm glad I'm old enough to go drinkin' with you guys now."

The song ended and an elated Leighanne was clapping and laughing out on the dance floor. She said something to Kevin and the two of them came back to the table as the thumping first few notes of the next song began, like a low heartbeat. "I'm gonna dance with every one of you," she announced. She pointed at Howie. "You're next."

Howie grinned and slid out before Kevin got into the booth. Leighanne winked at me, and led him out on the floor. Howie didn't know the moves quite the way Kevin did, but being a quick learner, part Irish, and one full pint down, he picked on up on them to some extent and bullshitted the rest of the way through them, his feet flying almost as fast as Leighanne's.

Kevin took the rest of Leighanne's beer and downed it. "Damn your girlfriend can dance," he commented, breathless. He glanced back out at the floor. "It's like she's the Energizer Bunny."

I grinned, "Oh trust me I'm aware of her Energizer Bunny-ness."

"Toooooo much information," Nick cried.

I laughed.

AJ returned then with six pints clutched in his hands and slid them around the table. Nick took a big sip of his and clutched the glass again. He looked at Kevin. "Thanks for letting us all do this," he said. "This is great."

Kevin nodded. "There's some times that drinking can be fun."

"Drinking is always fun," AJ said, laughing.

AJ was next to dance with Leighanne. I made a point of telling him to keep his hands to himself, and he grinned. Leighanne took lead with him since he had no clue about the moves. What he lacked in knowledge though he made up for in energy and before long they were fumbling through a dance, laughing as Leighanne spun AJ instead of the other way around.

We'd drained the second beers and Howie had gone for a third round and Nick was getting a little furry around the edges. Kevin casually emptied half of Nick's third beer into an empty pint glass, which he drank himself, and Nick never even noticed. "I really like being brothers with you people," he droned, "It's so fun because y'all are so nice," he grinned.

Kevin laughed heartily, "If you weren't such a pain in the ass we'd be nicer," he said.

AJ and Leighanne returned to the table and Leighanne pointed at Nick. "You. I want you."

"Who doesn't?" Nick drawled. He ducked under the table instead of making AJ and Kevin slide out to let him by.

"I'm saving the best for last," Leighanne said, looking at me.

Nick stood up at the end of the table and grinned at Leighanne. "I used to think you were a bitch you know," he said.

She laughed, "How many pints are in this one?" she asked.

"Two and a half," Kevin answered.

"One down, all the rest of y'all to go," Howie said, waving a hand around the table.

"He's inexperienced," Kevin said.

Nick flopped his arm around Leighanne's shoulder. "Let's go dannnnncin'," he said.

Leighanne laughed, "We'll be back!" and dragged Nick out onto the floor. Nick's an awkward dancer anyways, even when it is choreographed, but throw a couple beers into him and take away the choreography and he's downright clumsy. His arms flailed about and he looked like he was attempting to hip-hop dance to Irish pub music. Leighanne laughed, tossing her head back, as she tried to corral him into some semblence of the dance moves.

"He looks like a squid on shore," Howie commented.

We laughed and commentated on Nick's terrible dancing as we drank our beers. Kevin cheersed to us all having a good time, and to the tour going amazing. The room was becoming more and more of a blur around me and I knew I needed to cut myself off after this pint was drained.

When Nick and Leighanne's dance ended, they returned to the table and Nick dropped into the booth beside me. "You're a lucky-lucky-lucky-lucky dude Frick," he gasped out, his eyes unfocused, "She's a sexy lady..." he started singing, high-pitched, some old seventies disco song.

I laughed, "You broke my Frack," I commented.

Leighanne grinned and sat down. "Just a quick break and then you -" she pointed at me, "- are all mine." She took hold of the beer that AJ had bought her and drank. "This is really good," she said, holding it up.

"It's authentic," Howie said.

Nick laid his head down on his arms on the table. "I'm dizzy," he announced, laughing into the crook of his arm.

Kevin laughed, "It's okay Nick, the room will stop spinning soon." He reached over and patted Nick's shoulder.

The reaction was insane. Nick slammed Kevin's hand to the table, sat up, and snarled, "Don't touch me like that." His eyes focused on Kevin and his cheeks flushed, "Sorry," he apologized. He looked sick to his stomach.

"What in the hell was that?" Kevin demanded.

Nick shook his head.

Leighanne glanced at me. She reached over, "It's okay Nick," she said. She touched his back, and though he steeled at her touch, he let her slowly rub his back in a soothing manner. Slowly, he leaned back down, resting his head against his arms again. "It's okay," she said again.

Nick's eyes had filled with tears, "Nuh uh," he whispered, "It's not okay. It's not okay."

Kevin's eyes filled with concern. AJ looked at me knowingly, and Howie tried to be more interested in his beer than in the drama. The people on the dance floor blurred together into one color as I stared at the sadness on Nick's face and Leighanne's hand gently rubbed along his spine in a comforting manner, the way a mother might.

"What's the matter honey," she asked, leaning down to look him in the eyes, her head practically laying on the table, too.

Nick's tears spilled across his face side ways, pooling on the ridge of his nose. They were big, thick tears, the kind little kids cry when they cry silently. "I don't know," he hiccuped.

"Is it Lou?" she asked quietly.

Nick's eyes met her eyes.

"What about Lou?" Kevin demanded. He looked at me, then Howie, and AJ. AJ looked away quickly.

Leighanne's hand continued rhythmically rubbing Nick's back.

Kevin's brow had stitched together in concern, and I didn't dare breathe a word. I expected Nick to leap up and karate chop me. I pictured a big Irish pub brawl, starting as he broke a pint glass over my head or something. I pictured the world turning into a mass vortex of violence and Irish accents and beer splashing every which way. I pictured him saying he hated me again.

Instead he leaned into Leighanne and pressed his face into her shoulder, crying.

"I think we need to get him back to the hotel," she said to me.

I nodded. Kevin started to get up. "No it's okay," I said, "We can do it. Don't worry. You three have fun."

"Are you sure?" he asked, concerned.

"Yeah," I replied. Leighanne slid across the seat, taking Nick with her, and stood up. I got up, too, and took him, draping his arm over my shoulder. He was gulping for air. "We're good."

"Okay." Kevin settled back down.

Leighanne and I took Nick out of the bar into the cold air outside that smelled of the sea and we started walking back to the hotel. It was early, early morning and somewhere church bells were chiming out the hour. People were everywhere. We passed a guy laying across a park bench under a wool coat and a couple guys in sailor uniforms walking down the street laughing loudly.

"I'm sorry I'm busting everyone's fun," Nick slurred as we walked, his full weight bared down on me. Leighanne carried her purse and held one of his hands.

"It's okay honey," Leighanne replied.

We got back to the hotel and realized we didn't have a key to Nick and Kevin's room, so we brought him to ours and gave him our extra bed. He laid down, tears still streaming down his face. Leighanne sat on the edge of the bed beside him and continued to rub his back like she'd been doing at the pub. "You're a good man Nick," she said quietly, her voice low and sincere.

"I don't feel like it," he murmured, pressing his face into the pillow.

Leighanne shook her head, "You're such a good person, I know you are. I had so much fun dancing with you," she added. She leaned down and placed a kiss on his temple, like a mother would.

Nick closed his eyes.

"Such a good man," she cooed.

I watched the fight and stress melt out of his body as he fell asleep, her hand rubbing his back, and I couldn't help but feel pride because my woman had been able to comfort my best friend in such a gentle way. Once he'd passed out, she turned to look at me, her own eyes filled with tears. She got up and walked over, wrapped her arms around me, and leaned her head against my chest. "That poor kid," she whispered.

"I know," I replied. I rocked her gently back and forth.

"I'm sorry I didn't get to dance with you," she said quietly.

"You are now," I replied, and I gently twirled her around in a slow circle, then pulled her back into my chest and held her tight. "Thank you," I said.

"For what?"

"For helping him," I said, nodding toward Nick. "It means a lot to me."

She smiled. "He means a lot to you," she said.

"He does," I answered.

We danced quietly in the pale moonlight that filtered through the window, illuminating the room and the tracks of tear stains on Nick's cheeks, and I'd never been more in love in all of my life than I was at that very moment.

Chapter Thirty


I woke up the next morning to the sound of Nick puking in the bathroom and Lou knocking on the door. I groaned and rolled out of Leighanne's grasp. She whimpered. "I'll be right back," I said. I glanced in at Nick, who was hugging the toilet and retching, his face deep in the bowl, then opened the door. Lou was red-faced and practically steaming at the head. "Top o' the morning to you," I said in my best false Irish accent.

"I want all five of you downstairs in ten minutes," he growled, "No excuses." He turned and stormed away, the floor practically shook under his pounding footsteps.

I drew a deep breath, closed the door, and turned to the bathroom door, where Nick was still neck-deep in the bowl. "Buddy, we gotta get downstairs."

"Leave me here to die," he groaned into the toilet.

I went back to the main part of the room and Leighanne was sitting up on the bed. She still had on the dress from the night before, her hair mussed and eye make up smeared. "What's going on?" she asked.

"I don't know. Lou obviously knows we went out last night and he's pissed," I shrugged. "He wants us downstairs in ten minutes, no excuses." I pulled open my suitcase and yanked out a t-shirt and a pair of pants. Leighanne watched as I tugged them on, dancing about on one foot to get my pant legs pulled up. Without a word, Nick scurried out of the bathroom and out the door, presumably to go change. Leighanne stayed quiet. When I'd finished getting dressed, I grabbed my wallet and my watch from the nightstand and started for the door.

"Brian?" she called. I ducked back to look at her. "You Boys had every right to be out last night. And don't let him tell you anything different."

"I won't," I nodded and started to duck back to the hallway.

"And Brian?"

I peeked back again, "Yeah?"

Leighanne stood up and crossed the room and kissed me. "I love you," she said, "And I really had fun last night and tell Nick I said I hope he's feeling better, okay?"

I nodded, "I will." I pecked her cheek and left.

In the hallway, Kevin and Nick were just coming out into the hall, AJ and Howie were standing by the elevator, waiting, AJ looked half asleep with a pair of sunglasses slung on his brow. "Hey look, it's Cory Hart," Kevin teased, poking AJ's shoulder.

"Don't," AJ grumbled.

"How long did y'all last after we left?" I asked them.

"I drank'em all cold," Howie replied, grinning.

"I don't know where the alcohol goes," Kevin said, "He's such a tiny, tiny man."

We got on the elevator and rode it down to the lobby. Security was waiting to run us to the van, and we piled in. Lou and Johnny were waiting inside. As soon as security had closed the silding doors and we'd pulled away from the crowd of waving, watching fans, Lou turned around from his perch in the front passanger seat to look at us.

"You Boys wanna shoot the shit and fuck up my schedule every damn chance you get then fine. I'm done playing nice with you," he said, his voice pitched angrily. "I will have security posted at each ends of the hallways we room, and they will be helping me to enforce your new curfew."

"Curfew?" Kevin bleated. "What? We're all adults, every one of us, you can't enforce a curfew."

"As your manager, with your best interest at heart, I can," Lou corrected him. "It's in your contracts."

AJ lowered his sunglasses, his face registering a look of disbelief.

"Furthermore, if any of you sneak out again and I find you missing from your hotel rooms, I swear to Christ I will call the police."

"What the hell are the police gonna do we're grown ups, we're allowed to be out!" Nick said, trying to sound tough.

"And your parents," Lou added.

Nick looked down at his knees.

"This is ridiculous," Kevin snapped. "You're treating us like we're children. It was a fricking holiday and we took one night off to have some fun. Most rock stars go out and go partying every fucking night!"

"You are trying to maintain a clean cut image," Lou responded, his voice rising over Kevin's volume. "You are trying to be good boys, not partying rock stars. You have a very young fan base, most of them are around Nick's age, and you need parents to be on your side, to think you're good role models, to think you're the ideal people for their little girls to be worshipping. Going out and getting shitfaced in pubs in Ireland is not the way to project that image."

"It was one night and we're adults!" Kevin yelled.

Howie's eyes moved between Kevin and Lou like he was watching a tennis match. We all automatically just let Kevin speak for us at this point, none of us joined in.

"I have worked too hard for this!" Lou shouted over Kevin, "I'm not going to let you fuck it up now because you want to go party like you're rock stars."

"Kinda we are," Nick mumbled.

Lou's eyes turned to him, and his voice came out harsh, "You aren't rock stars. You're pathetic little boys playing dress-up and singing on stage to a bunch of hormone-saturated teenagers, and that's the bottom line. You want to know why this works? You want to know? It's not your voices or your talent or your looks. It's not your music. It's ME! It's me and the time and money that I have invested in you, in this band, in this enterprise. I made you, manufactured you. You wouldn't even know each other if it wasn't for me."

Suddenly, Leighanne's words at the hotel room surged to mind, and I shook my head, "Shut up." I snapped. Lou, Kevin, Johnny, Howie, AJ, and Nick all looked at me. Even the driver glanced in the rearview mirror for a moment before turning back to the road. My mouth went dry once I had all their attentions. I took a deep breath, "Just shut up, Lou," I said. "Don't forget, you work for us, we don't work for you."

"Maybe, but where the hell would any of you be without me?" he demanded. "Nick would probably be some washed up Mousketeer by now, and Kevin still slaving away at Disney World. AJ, Howie -- what? Running auditions? Trying to find some two-bit commercial to hire you? And Brian. Brian. You would've been knee deep in some hokey Christian education, serving up coconut shrimp cups at Long John Silvers."

"And where would you be, Lou?" I demanded, "Where would you be if it wasn't for us? Up to your eyeballs in debt over a failed blimp comapny." I shook my head, "Don't give us that bullshit that you're any better, any more important in this than we are," I said.

The van came to a stop in front of the RDS and Lou fought with his seatbelt, his face almost purple with rage, and finally managed to rip the thing off. He struggled out of the van, slamming the door so hard the entire vehicle shook, and stormed into the venue. Johnny got out and waited by the back bumper, looking angry, but not speaking.

Kevin let out a low whistle. "Well damn, Brian," AJ said, "I didn't know you had it in you." He climbed out of the van, followed by Howie and Kev. Nick looked back at me.

"He's wrong," I said, "You wouldn't be a washed up mousketeer if it wasn't for him," I said.

"Thanks," Nick said, and he slid out of the van. I followed.

The rest of the day was so awkward it was painful. For that matter, so were the next couple days. I mean we did our soundchecks and rehearsals, did our meet and greets, TV appearances, radio interviews, photoshoots, and flights without any further arguments erupting, but Lou didn't speak a single word to any of us. Johnny relayed all messages. Leighanne was ecstatic that I'd stood up to Lou, but at the same time I felt guilty because I'd made our work life a living hell. And, true to his word, Lou had two security guys standing in the hallways at each of the hotels, like centuars, guarding the elevator and stairwells, enforcing that we didn't go sneaking off to party.

The good news was that things were a little smoother on the home front as far as the way the five of us were relating to eachother. Even Nick was talking to me again; though things weren't quite what they had been before, we weren't enemies anymore. That was a huge relief to me.

I made an appointment with Dr. Gordon Danielson to have my surgery done on April 20th, five days after the last date of the tour and also the five year anniversary of when I'd first joined the band. I pictured the fellas and my family and Leighanne all gathered around my bedside in Michigan while we talked just before I went into surgery, reminiscing about that day at Tates Creek High school when I got called to the principal's office to talk to Kevin about joining the Backstreet Boys. I pictured being carted off to surgery, calling back with jokes and waking up to find them all still there, smiling and happy to see me alive. I had high hopes and the relief of thinking that everyone would be there for me was so great that I felt happy, despite the drama going on with the fellas and Lou and I and the impending operation.

I gave Johnny a note for Lou, reminding him of his promise to clear me out some time after the tour for the surgery, and telling him I had the appointment for April 20th. I didn't get a response back directly from Lou, but Johnny said that Lou had "made a note of it".

We had some amazing shows, too, during the "verbal cold war" with Lou. For instance, we played at Wembly two nights in a row - which is extremely amazing considering Wembly seats almost 90,000 people. Standing on that stage and looking out at that massive crowd completely took my breath away. At one point during the second show they started singing along with I'll Never Break Your Heart and we all stopped singing and just let the crowd carry the tune. Their voices echoed through the stadium so loudly and beautifully it brought tears to Kevin's eyes. And when they'd finished singing the chorus, they cheered and began chanting "BackSTREET Boys!" over and over again. It reduced us all to tears before the chant had died away.

And that seemed to be the trend from that night on, the rafters shaking in Denmark and Sweden with the same chant. We rode the wave clear through the stress of Lou's anger and Johnny's second-hand anger, and made it to Germany all that much stronger.

The problem was, despite my new pills and the lack of stress amongst us guys, my heart was still bothering me. I found myself spending long moments, my eyes squeezed shut, trying to convince myself I was okay. Just a couple more weeks, I'd tell myself, take a deep breath, and continue on. Once or twice, Leighanne caught me doing this backstage. Once, while Nick was on stage doing his solo, the pain caught me so badly in my chest that I ended up leaning against the wall on my way to the dressing room, trying to get a breath. I felt like my chest was turning inside out. Leighanne had found me all but doubled-over in the hall and helped me to the dressing room, where she fretted over me, making sure I was okay, fear in her eyes. I'd insisted I was fine, and she'd begged me not to go back on stage, but I'd gone all the same.

In Copenhaugen, Germany, we were scheduled to play a set at Viva Unplugged, which we were recording to release as a video for the fans all over the world. A lot of money had been invested in having a film crew on hand and in decorating the set. Our stylists and make-up artists were particularly painstakingly careful that night, making sure we looked as good as we possibly could, and we were attacked with lint rollers every time we moved, keeping our suits in perfect, clean, crisp condition.

"Are ya'll scared?" Nick asked, "A'cos the camera crews I mean?"

Kevin shrugged, "Nawh."

But he looked scared. I think we all were, honestly. We prayed extra fervrently that night during the preshow prayer, asking God to watch over us and the fans and the crew and Nick threw in a plea to let the cameras catch him on his good side. "I don't wanna be down in history as bein' ugly, y'know, God?" he asked.

We took the stage to a smattering of screams. It was teeny-tiny compared to Wembley and the RDS and all the other venues we'd been playing over the last few months, but it was comfortable, and the fans were so close, sitting on the floor, staring up at us with tears and hope and excitement in their eyes. We sat on stools and the music was right there, live, right behind us. It was so fresh and relaxing, and for the first time, my heart wasn't bugging before the first break in the set.

I unscrewed the cap on my water bottle and adjusted the way I was sitting on the stool. The other guys left the stage and I started singing That's What She Said/Where Can We Go From Here. As I sang, I looked around the stage, and my eyes connected with Lou off to the side and I felt my heart tighten in my chest. "Oh how can I make you see," I sang, "Just what you did to me?"

Lou shifted uncomfortably, and ducked away.

I looked away from where he'd been standing, back to the fans, focusing my energy on them, trying to stay upbeat and goofing off as I always did to distract me. After all, I was Batman, right? I found myself doing impressions and making faces more and more as the show progressed, teasing the fans to make them smile and laugh. I pictured every laugh like points in Mario World, like the higher my score got the more little Mario lives I'd have, the longer I could pull this off.

After the show, though, when we were headed backstage, the sharpest pain I'd yet felt went through my chest and I stumbled against the wall, just catching a locked door knob to brace myself on. AJ, who was a couple steps ahead of me, stopped and turned back and caught my elbow quickly, "B-Rok?" he asked, kneeling as we slid to the floor. "Yo, you okay?"

"Yeah," I gasped the word, "Yes, I'm fine." I closed my eyes, wincing deeply.

"You ain't fine," he injected. He stood, pulling me to my feet. "Let's get you to a chair."

I shook my head, and knelt to the floor again. "No," I said.

"Let me get someone to help, I'll get Kevin."

"No," I said through gritted teeth, "Don't get Kevin. I'm fine."

AJ stood there, hovering over me, nervous looking and shifting his weight from one foot to the other. "What do you want me to do?" he asked, his voice dropping his usual tough-tone.

"Just - not get Kevin," I said, shaking my head.

AJ stayed on the floor until I'd managed to pull myself together, and he helped me to my feet, his eyes wide and freaked out. "You sure you're okay?" he asked, worry coming into his voice.

"I'm sure," I replied. Though I really wasn't. "Please don't tell the guys," I said.

AJ nodded.

"Thanks," I said.

In wardrobe, Kevin looked up as we walked in. "Took you long enough," he said.

AJ shrugged and went to his chair, grabbing his stuff off the table in front of where he'd been sitting during prep time. I snatched my duffle bag from my station, too, and security ushered us all out into the chilly air outside to the van that carried us back to the hotel.

When we were alone in the hotel room, Leighanne looked at me with serious eyes. "What happened?"

"When?"

"You looked - I don't know," she shook her head. "There was this one moment," she said, "During Who Do You Love, when you were holding your face... You looked..." Leighanne frowned, "I don't know. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," I replied, forcing a smile. I wondered if anyone else had noticed how much pain I'd been in or if it was just Leighanne because she knew me too well.

Leighanne looked me in the eyes.

"I had a um, another pain," I said quietly, "In my chest."

She put her hand on my chest. "Are you okay?" she asked, nervously.

I nodded.

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"Yes. Just tired," I replied, and I stepped away and pulled the blankets down on the bed, kicking off my shoes and jeans and crawled in. "I'm just tired," I repeated, crushing the pillow under my head.

Leighanne nodded, "I'm getting tired myself," she replied, and she went into the bathroom and closed the door. A couple moments later, I could hear her crying, the sound muffled by the wall and the closed door, and I felt guilty. I closed my eyes and bit my lips, but I didn't dare to go in and comfort her. I was too afraid that seeing her tears would bring tears of my own.

And whatever he does, Batman does not cry.

Chapter Thirty-One


The next day, as we travelled from Germany to Norway, I felt like Leighanne was upset with me. She was really quiet and kept looking at me with this distant, kinda sad look in her eyes. So I told her that on the day off we had coming up in Sweden that I'd take her out somewhere and do my best to make her feel special. She'd spent time researching one of our guide books to find something to do together and she'd found a museum that had viking stuff in it that she thought sounded interesting. So we made plans to spend the coming free day, April 1st, together.

My problem was in the meantime, because even though we had plans coming up, it didn't improve her mood any. I just wished I could cheer her up, but even my jokes and impressions of Donald Duck - which usually were her favorite - barely cracked a smile on her face.

Backstage in Norway at the Spektrum, three days before our day off, Leighanne asked if I'd be upset if she went and took a nap in the van instead of watching the show. "Of course not," I replied, "Are you feeling okay?"

"Yes, I'm just tired," she replied. I couldn't help but wonder if that was her actual answer or if she was just saying what I'd said the night before.

Once I'd made sure she was safely in the van with a member of security standing guard, I returned to the green room and sat down in my chair with a huff. Nick's hair was getting smothered with mousse next to me. He glanced at me in the mirror. "You a'ight?" he asked.

"Yep," I replied. I reached for the Batman comic book he'd given me for Christmas. I'd taken to reading it a lot lately, and the pages were starting to get worn around the edges already, like the copy I'd had when I was a kid had been. I flipped through and stared down at the illustration of Bruce Wayne.

"Hey Brian?"

"Yeah?" I looked up at his reflection in the mirror.

"Last week, when I got drunk in Ireland and stuff," he paused, licked his lips and changed his direction, "Did you tell Leighanne about me and Lou?"

I looked at actual Nick, not reflection Nick, and drew a deep breath. Here we go, about to start over again with our fight, I thought. "Yes," I replied, "Because I had to talk to someone about it, I had to talk to someone."

His eyes looked sad for a moment, but he didn't start yelling or anything. "I was just wondering," he said. He looked away.

I stared at him for a couple more seconds, half expecting a delayed reaction of rage, but it never came. Instead, he struck up a conversation with Howie, who had just come in and sat down next to him on the other side. I turned back to the comic book.

The next day when we landed in Sweden, Leighanne and I got to the hotel room and she stood by the window, staring out as I started digging through my duffle bag for a change of clothes to wear over to the venue for rehearsal. She turned around to look at me, "I was thinking, Brian. Maybe I should go home."

"What? Why?" I asked, dropping the clothes in my hands to look back at her.

She shrugged, "I just feel frustrated here because I can't help you."

"You're helping me just by being here," I replied. I quickly crossed the room and wrapped her into a hug. "Please don't go," I added, kissing her head.

Leighanne leaned into me. Her voice came out strained, "I just feel so helpless when I know your heart is bothering you and Lou's bothering you and there's nothing I can do to fix it. The only thing I can do is watch and worry and I feel so frustrated and -- maybe it would just be better if I went home."

"It wouldn't be better," I pleaded, "You're the only person that understands me lately. Do you know how incredibly lonely I would be without you on this tour?"

"I can't even be your girlfriend," she said, tears filling her eyes. She shook her head, "I had a fan the other day ask if I was and I had to tell her I was your cousin just like Lou said, and I didn't like lying about it. I don't like it at all..."

"So don't lie, tell them the truth," I said.

Leighanne sighed, "I just feel like I'm complicating everything for you, and it's just so hard watching this all happen and not being able to do anything."

"Please," I said.

Leighanne drew away from my embrace and returned to the window, staring across the cityscape outside. "Brian, I worry about you because there's still almost a month left before your surgery - a month - and you're already in pain."

"I'm not in pain," I said quickly.

She looked over at me. "AJ told me what happened in Germany, Brian," she said heavily.

"He what?" I asked. "I'm gonna kill him, I told him not to tell --"

"And you're lying about it," Leighanne interrupted me. "You're lying about being in pain. Do you have any clue how much that idea terrifies me?"

"Leighanne, I --"

"Brian, heart disease is not something we take lightly in my family. If you had any clue how many of my family members have died of heart disease you'd understand that." She started ticking off her fingers, "Aunts, Uncles, Great-Grandparents..."

"I know heart disease isn't something to take lightly, Leighanne," I snapped. She was making me feel like I was like a renegade, like I was partially suicidal or something. "I've grown up with it all my life - I was born with it. Don't tell me what heart disease is like."

"Then why are you acting like it's nothing?" she demanded hotly. "You strut around on that stage and through these hotel room hallways like it's nothing, like you're dealing with an appointment to remove an ingrown toenail. Brian, you could seriously die from this, don't you give a damn?"

"Of course I do," I answered, "But I know I'm already living on borrowed time, and every breath I breathe already is a gift from God almighty because when I was eight years old, I should've died. I should be dead and instead I'm here. I don't know what God left me here for, I don't know why I'm still around. I don't know. Maybe it's a big ass cosmic joke. Maybe he wanted me to fall for you just to take you away from me --"

"Take me away from you?" Leighanne asked, "Brian if anyone's losing somebody I'd be losing you. I'm not going anywhere."

I was pacing now, and I barely heard her words. "Even if I do die," I said, "I got like sixteen years more than I should've."

Leighanne shook her head, "And is sixteen years more enough?"

"I'm not going to test God," I whispered.

Leighanne's eyes were intense, and she opened her mouth to say something --- and there came a knock on the door.

"One second!" I bellowed.

She shook her head, "Nevermind," she said, "Go work. Go. I'll be here later." She turned and dropped onto the bed and curled her knees to her chest.

"Are you su--"

"Yes, just go."

I snuck out of the room and into the hallway. Johnny was standing there waiting, annoyed looking, while Nick, Howie, AJ, and Kevin were gathered at the end of the hall by the elevator. "Sorry," I said, closing the door behind me, "I had to talk to Leighanne about some stuff."

"Whatever," Johnny replied with a sigh.

Whatever we did, I couldn't get Leighanne out of my mind, and I prayed that she wouldn't do something crazy like take off and leave a note for me or anything like that. I fabricated reasons to call the hotel twice in the course of the night just to make sure she was still there because I was so nervous. And I drove the guys nuts because I was hyperactive as a response to the nerves in my system.

I nudged Nick. "How do you make a duck a blues artist?" I asked.

He stared at me, a blank expression on his face. "What?"

"You put it in the oven until it's Bill Withers." I grinned.

Nick continued to stare at me. "I don't get it," he said, confusion on his face.

"Duck bill? Bill Withers?" I asked, trying to get the mental connection across to him.

He looked around in confusion, a panicked look on his face. "Dude, Lean On Me," AJ said rolling his eyes, "Bill Withers."

"But..."

"The heat makes the duck's nose -a bill - shrink up - wither," Kevin explained.

Nick squinted one eye.

"Okay guys, let's go," Lou snapped from the doorway.

We got up and followed Lou down the hallway towards the steps that led up to the stage. Me and Howie were directly behind Lou, and my nerves were building up, so I turned to D, and I said quietly, "Hey what's the difference between a musician and a mutural fund?"

Howie glanced at me and raised an eyebrow.

"Eventually the mutural fund will mature and earn money," I said. I shot a meaningful look at Lou, then smirked at Howie.

We started running up the steps to the stage, and Lou grabbed my wrist, pulled me back down. I almost fell, but caught my footing and the railing at the last moment. He spun me so we were eye-to-eye. "Look, I put in a request to raise your pay," he said gruffly, "So let it go."

I blinked in surprise, "Seriously?"

Lou rolled his eyes, "Get on stage," he said, shooing me off.

I climbed the steps in a daze. My whining and complaining had actually paid off? It seemed that the show went so perfectly that night, like nothing could go wrong after what Lou had said. I felt like I could do anything. My confidence soared and by the time we dismounted the stage and started back to the hotel, I was so excited to tell Leighanne about the pay raise I could barely contain myself.

We were in the van, Nick suddenly shouted, "BILL WITHERS! I get it!!!" and cracked up.

AJ looked at me, one eyebrow raised. "Jesus Christ," he muttered, "Talk about a delayed reaction."

As we disboarded the elevator back at the hotel, Nick grabbed my arm, "Hey, on our day off, you wanna shoot some hoops?" he asked.

I was so surprised to hear him suggest we hang out, that I agreed quickly and he waved me off and ducked into the room him and Kevin were sharing, an excited look on his face. I returned to the room I was sharing with Leighanne. It wasn't until I looked at her that I realized the problem I'd just created for myself. I'd forgotten about the Viking Museum (how in the hell had I forgotten plans to visit a Viking Museum?). I decided I'd have to postpone with Nick .

Leighanne was lounging on the bed, the TV flashing before her. I sat down beside her and stared at the TV for a long moment. Finally, I reached over and pet her arm. "Can I tell you a secret?" I asked, running my hand over her smooth skin. She looked up at me. "But you gotta promise not to tell Nick."

She hit the mute button on the TV remote. "What? What is it?" she sat up, a mixture of worry, curiousity, and excitement on her face, like she wasn't sure if it was a good secret or a bad one but desperately wanted to know either way.

"Promise?" I asked.

"Yes," she said, nodding.

I leaned close and whispered in her ear, "You're my best friend." I confided.

When I pulled away from her, Leighanne had tears in her eyes. She grasped my hand, "You're my best friend, too," she said. "I love you so much, Brian. I'm so sorry I said I wanted to leave earlier, I'm so sorry. I don't want to leave you," she explained, "Just the situation, you know? I'm so scared I'm going to lose you."

"I'm not going anywhere baby," I answered. I moved so I was laying next to her and she rolled into me.

She laid her head against my chest. "I can hear it, you know," she said quietly.

"Hear what?"

"Well you said the VSD has a splash-back, right?" she asked.

I nodded.

"When I press my ear to your chest like this, I think I can hear it."

Dr. Carlsbad said he could hear it with the stethescope, so that wasn't entirely far fetched. A lump rose in my throat as I thought about how the damage was close enough to the surface that she could just lean against me and hear it. It seemed like it should be an easy fix, something to just reach in and tweak, like a leaky faucet. I pictured my heart with duct tape wrapped around it, like the hose out back of my parents' house that my dad refused to replace. I knew it was more complicated than that, though, deep down.

"It's scary," she said.

I looked down at her, "You don't have to listen to it, you know," I laughed.

Leighanne looked up at me, "I listen to it because it's comforting. As long as I can hear it, I know you're there."

I ran my hand down her back gently.

I woke up the next morning in exactly the same position. I yawned and stretched as best I could without moving too much to awaken her. Light filtered through the blinds that covered the windows, the TV was still flashing but now it was playing early morning talk shows instead of late night ones.

And then I realized what I was seeing.

"OH SHIT!" I shouted, and I leaped out of the bed, right out from under Leighanne, who fell quickly to the mattress. I bolted to the hotel room door and sure enough there was a note slid under it with Lou's handwriting on it. "OH SHIT!"

"What is it?" Leighanne groaned from the bed. She was rubbing her chin and half sitting up, her hair a mess. She yawned.

"That," I said, pointing at the TV. Nick, Howie, Kevin, and AJ were seated on a little couch next to some girl talk show host. Kevin was answering a question and Nick was nervously picking at his fingers, shifting his weight every couple seconds, while AJ stared straight ahead from behind his sunglasses, and Howie looked petrified.

Leighanne blinked at the TV for a couple seconds, then her face lit up with understanding. "Oh no," she gasped.

I looked down at the note from Lou.

Get some rest, you're going to need it.

That's all it said. That's it. That's the whole thing. It had a really ominous ring to it. I handed it to Leighanne. "Lou," I said as she look it.

She read it over, her eyebrow cinched together. "Well that's ominous," she said.

"That's the exact word I'd use," I said, nodding.

We ordered breakfast, since I now had a couple unexpected free hours that I knew I was going to end up paying dearly for, I figured we should at least have fun with them. So we sat on the bed and ate breakfast together and talked until Johnny was knocking at my door to whisk me away to rehearsals. I kissed Leighanne and she said, "Don't let him bulley you around."

I nodded, and followed Johnny down the hallway to the elevator. When the doors closed, Johnny looked over at me. "Lou's pissed."

"I know," I said.

"He wants you rooming with another of the guys from now on. He feels like you're not dedicating yourself to your work as much as you should be. He thinks your girlfriend is a distraction."

"What?" I demanded.

"We're putting Kevin back in the single, you and Nick will be sharing again," Johnny said, "We will continue pay for a return flight to the States for Leighanne."

I stared at him, incredulous. "We were on stage until almost midnight, we didn't get back to the hotel until well after that, and I doubt I am not the only person in this whole entourage that doesn't just walk in and fall asleep immediately. I woke up at seven o'clock on my own - despite the fact that is way less than the recommended eight hours of sleep a night - and y'all had already left." I shook my head, "Lou's pissed and thinking I'm distracted because I needed more than three hours' of sleep?"

Johnny reached forward, pulled the stop elevator button and turned to me. "Lou is pissed because you aren't taking this seriously. Asking for time off, fucking around with your little girlfriend there, endangering your career by toting her around no less..." Johnny was right in my face. "You're not fucking up just your own career, it's all our careers. It's mine and Lou's and Nick's and AJ's and Kevin's and Howie's that you're fucking up. It's the people at Jive Records' your fucking up, it's your security guards', the venue owners'."

"And I suppose no one from your precious Nsync ever does anything like this, right?" I spat.

"They actually give a fuck about their careers," Johnny snapped.

"Did Lou happen to tell you why I want time off?" I shouted.

"Oh please enlighten me," Johnny sneered.

"Because I'm fucking dying," I snapped, "I'm dying and I need surgery on my heart. Because literally any time when I'm on that stage I could collapse. Because my heart could just kind of stop beating."

Johnny shrunk back.

"I'm a ticking time bomb," I yelled, "And I need time off to go home to let my doctor cut me wide open, reach in, take out my heart, and fix it." Johnny's eyes were wide. I knew I'd driven my point home, but it felt good to be the one being listened to, being the one in control, so I took it one step further. "And all you people wanna do is rip it from my chest, like barbarians."

Several long moments of stunned silence followed. Johnny stared at me, and an almost guilt-ridden look crossed his face. He closed his eyes and leaned against the far wall of the elevator. He took several long, deep breaths, then hit the elevator button so it started moving again. When the doors dinged and started to slide open, he muttered, "I'm sorry," and stepped out quickly, disappearing among a sea of screaming fans.

Chapter Thirty-Two


I couldn't believe Johnny had actually apologized. I felt disoriented, like I imagine guys in sci-fi novels feel when they discover everything they thought they knew was false. Like the guy in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy feels when he finds out an alien race is planning to demolish earth to build an intergalactic highway.

Why hello, intergalactic highway, meet my current shock, an apology from Johnny Wright.

On the way to the venue, Johnny seemed lost in thought, and when his cell phone rang, he barely glanced at it before shutting it off instead of answering it. He kept glancing over at Lou, and then looking out the window, lines of concern across his forehead. I wondered if I'd gotten through to him, if he was going to talk to Lou and maybe all our problems would be solved. Maybe all this time the only person I really needed to tell about everything that was bothering me was Johnny. Maybe he'd literally just been so distracted by Nsync that he'd been rendered incapable of seeing the problems here and he just needed some light shed on them to see them.

I was feeling pretty good about my choice to confront Johnny, so that when we got to the venue I felt like I could talk my way out of anything and I turned to Nick. "Hey remember last night when you asked if I wanted to shoot some hoops tomorrow?" I asked.

"Yeah! I got a ball this morning from a fan!" he said, voice excited, "She like gave it to me and I told her it was a perfect gift and gave her a kiss." He grinned, proud of himself. "She was a little hottie, too."

I nodded slowly, "Well, see... about that..."

The grin melted off his face. "What?" he asked.

"I kind of - I forgot that I'd already promised Leighanne that I'd spend the day with her," I said slowly.

Nick stared at me for a long moment, processing what I was saying. I could see his mind working through the idea that I couldn't shoot hoops with him because of Leighanne, but he liked Leighanne now, so maybe that would be less offensive than it was a month ago. "So I'll go with you," he suggested, trying to hold onto his enthusiasm, though it had certainly waned a bit.

"We're going to a museum," I said, knowing the word museum would make him change his mind. And I wasn't lying, really, I was just omitting that it was a museum about vikings is all.

A cloud passed over his face, "Oh," he said quietly.

"I'm sorry, buddy," I said, "But I'll spend the next day off with you, okay? I promise."

Nick turned. "We don't have another day off, Brian," he said over his shoulder as he ducked into the dressing room.

I stood in the hallway feeling like a tool for a couple minutes. Then his words struck me and I mentally ran through the remaining tour dates, and realized that Nick was right. The only remaining gap in the dates was reserved for travel from France to Spain the following week. We had literally two weeks without a day off. Then we'd be flying home and five days later I'd be on a gurney at the Mayo Clinic, under the knife of Dr. Danielson.

I took a deep breath, and followed Nick into the dressing room. I sat in my chair next to his. "I'm sorry," I said, "Maybe we can squeeze in some hoops before the show one of the days? Or after we travel on the 8th? Say in the evening?"

"I gotta book an appointment to hang out with you now?" he asked as the stylist squirted mousse all over his head.

"Not an appointment, we're just making plans is all," I answered.

Nick frowned.

"I'm really sorry, I just completely forgot that I'd promised her, and I was so excited you wanted to hang out with me again that I just agreed without thinking about it. I miss ya Frack."

"And yet you wanna spend your only free time in the whole month hanging out with Boob Job Barbie," he said, looking at me in the mirror as he said the nickname. I could tell by the expression in his eyes that he was saying it sheerly because he knew it bothered me.

"Hey now," I said, frowning, "I thought you liked Leighanne?"

He shrugged, "I tried. I tried 'cos you asked me to, but I don't like Leighanne. She's... she's... she's bossy."

"Bossy?"

"Yes."

I couldn't help but laugh, "When has she ever been bossy?" I demanded.

"I dunno," Nick said, "Maybe every time she's around you? She's totally got you casperated."

"What?"

"Casperated," Nick said, frustrated.

I ran through a list of words that he could possibly mean in my head. "Castrated?" I asked.

He scowled, "That's what I said."

"Actually, you said casperated, like the friendly ghost," I replied. "And she doesn't have me castrated, either. Do you even know what that means?" I joked.

Nick's eyes met mine in the mirror, "It means Boob Job Barbie's got'cha balls and she ain't givin'em back, that's what it means."

"Stop calling her that," I said, my tone switching from playful to irritated. Nick was practically a professional at pressing my buttons.

"Y'all make a good set," he said meanly, "Boob Job Barbie and Castrated Ken."

"Shut up!" I shouted. I stood up and I felt Howie, Kevin, and AJ turn to look at me with interest.

"What? Would you rather be Boob Job Barbie and Ball-less Brian the Boy Wonder?" Nick said, and I heard AJ laugh from his seat behind me.

I turned and pointed at AJ. "You stay out of this." I snapped.

I stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind me, and sat on the floor in the hallway, breathing, until my stylist came looking for me a few minutes later. I was kind of surprised Kevin didn't follow me. This sort of controversial moment was right up his alley. I'd half expected, as I sank to the floor, to see him come out with his big dead catepillar eyebrows, and give me some long pep-talk-style-speech about putting up with Nick and having patience with him. But he didn't come.

Back in my seat in the dressing room, I was careful not to look at Nick, either real Nick or mirror Nick, and stared down at the Batman comic book while my hair got worked on. I was pretty sure Nick was doing the same thing, except every couple moments he'd kind of chuckle to himself and mutter under his breath, and, from what little bits of the sounds he was muttering that I caught, I knew he was saying the doll names again and again under his breath.

On the way up the steps to the stage, AJ nudged me, "You gotta admit Castrated Ken is a pretty funny visual," he said.

"Shut the hell up," I snapped.

"Don't let them get to you," Howie intoned from behind me. "The more it bothers you, the more they'll do it. Just like playground bullies."

"I'm not making fun of him," AJ argued, "I'm just picturing a Ken doll that comes with a detachable penis."

"You don't even know what you're talking about," I snapped.

AJ laughed, "You're right, he wasn't saying she cut off your penis, he was saying she cut off your balls, huh?"

"Enough," Kevin growled behind me before I could open my mouth to tell AJ to shut up again myself. "Both of you. All of you," he added, glancing back at Nick, who was snickering at AJ's comment. Nick shut up. "Just enough."

I was distracted through the whole show, so it didn't go very well. I kept tripping and missing cues. I was one step behind the entire time we were doing the chair dance, and I almost clocked myself in the head with the chair one of the times we flipped them over us. It was a mess. The other guys did okay as far as I saw, but I know I was throwing them off their game. Because we're so heavily choreographed, all it takes is one of us to be off and all of us are a little off and the show ends up looking really choppy.

When we got back to the hotel, Lou caught us in the hallway and told Nick he was moving in with me, that Kevin now had a single room, and informed me that Leighanne had been given a new room for the night and a flight to the United States that would leave the next day shortly after our flight to Holland left. He handed me a key to Leighanne's new room.

"Great," Nick groaned as he glared at me, "I have to share with Ken." Then went to get his bags from Kevin's room.

"Trust me, I'm thinking the same thing, Dillweed!" I called after him as he went in the room. He thrust his hand back out, giving me the one-finger salute.

Kevin groaned. "Why do you gotta egg him on when he gets like this?" he demanded of me.

"Egg him on? He's making fun of me," I snapped. "He is being a Dillweed." AJ and Howie casually snuck off to their room, sensing an argument coming on.

Kevin rolled his eyes, "You're the older of the two of you. You at least should be able to act mature. Grow up." He stormed off to the room himself.

Lou chuckled, "Aren't you just making friends left and right?" he asked.

"Don't screw with me Lou," I snapped. "I'm really tempted to just go home with Leighanne right now."

A smile spread across his face, "Go for it. But don't expect to come back." And with that, he waddled off to his own room.

Nick came out of the room a moment after Lou's door closed, dragging his dufflebag, suitcase, and Nintendo game system. He shoved by me, grunting with all the shit he was carrying, and struggled to open the hotel room door. Out of spite, I watched instead of helping. He finally got inside and threw all the crap on the bed. "Oh great, you're still here," I heard him say.

"Nick?" I ran around the corner into the room to see Leighanne sitting on the far bed, the covers pulled up, a look of confusion and shock on her face. She looked at the pile of crap he had all over the bed, then up at me. "What is going on?" she asked.

I opened my mouth to answer, but Nick answered before I could, "Castrated Ken missed the appearance this morning, so Lou's rearranging our rooms. Congratulations, Barbie, you just won a single."

Leighanne looked at me, "What?"

I sighed, "Lou got you another room," I said quietly, defeated. I was hoping that he had told her this, had already moved her to the new room, that I would only have to commiserate with her, not explain it to her.

"Why?"

"Because he um, he thinks - he..." I stammered.

Nick again took over the explanation, "Lou thinks you're a distraction and so do I." He puffed his chest all up.

Leighanne frowned, "Distraction?"

"You don't let him do shit with me!" Nick yelled.

"What?" Leighanne looked really confused now. "What are you talking about?"

"You're a Brian whore!" Nick shouted.

Leighanne stared at him for a long moment of silence. See, I knew what Nick meant. What Nick meant was that she was hogging me, that she was essentially an attention whore. But Leighanne, Leighanne was about to take it as --

"You are calling me a whore?" she shouted. She jumped up. Her nightgown was silky, almost sheer but not quite. It clung to her in all the right places. Probably not the best outfit to be arguing whether she was a whore or not in, though. "How many groupies have you slept with in the last month that you've been on tour?" she snapped.

"Not your business," Nick responded hotly.

"He didn't mean --" I tried to inject, but Leighanne waved her hand to me.

"Apologize," she hissed at Nick.

"Make me," Nick replied.

Leighanne looked at me for back up.

So did Nick.

And there I stood in a hotel room in Sweden, stuck between a rock and a hard place, my frack and my fiance both staring at me, waiting for me to take sides. My mouth went dry. The moment seemed to last forever. Finally I squeaked, "Y'know, I'ma let you guys work this out..." and I quickly hastened to escape to the hallway.

I don't know what they said. All I know is that fifteen minutes later, Leighanne came into the hall. "Get up," she said.

I got up, but I kept looking down at the carpet.

She leaned so she was looking up at me. "Hey," she said until I looked at her. "When one of your friends is rude to me, I need you to stick up for me, okay? Not run out to the hallway."

"I'm sorry," I said quietly, "I just can't handle fighting with him anymore."

Leighanne nodded, "I understand," she said, "Which is why he's coming with us tomorrow."

I blinked in surprise, "What?"

"I hope you don't mind, our date's kind of a threesome now." She paused. "Not like that, that'd be freaky. But you know what I mean."

"But --"

She smiled, "We talked okay?" Leighanne kissed my cheek softly. "Now go get some sleep."

"Where are you going?"

"To my single," she laughed. She held out her hand for the room key Lou had given me. "Good night," she whispered, and she walked down the hallway to the room.

I stood there stunned a moment after her door closed, then turned to my own room. I reached for the handle and had actually shook it before I realized that I'd left my own room key inside. I jiggled the handle a couple more times, like that was gonna help me. "Nick!" I called, knocking. "Niiiick."

The door opened a crack and a blue eye peered out at me. "Yes?"

"I left my room key inside," I said. I went to push the door open, but Nick prevented it from opening. "Nick," I said as he blocked it.

"Not so fast, Littrell," he said.

"Let me in."

"Admit you're pussywhipped."

"Just open the door," I said, pushing it. Sometime since he was thirteen, Nick had gotten stronger than me.

Nick laughed. "Whatsa matter ol' man? Can't shove the door open?" He grinned.

"You lil bastard."

Nick's laugh echoed in the hallway.

Well, at least he was goofing off, I thought. And hey, what is it they say? If you can't beat them...

"Okay, that's it." I backed up to the far wall. Nick watched with one eye through the crack in the door.

"Whatcha doin Frick?" he asked.

I scraped my foot on the floor like a bull. "One..."

"Bri?" I saw a flash of his teeth as he grinned out at me.

"Two..."

"Are you gonna try to run the door in?" he laughed.

"Three!" I ran forward, and, as expected, I heard Nick rush away from the door, flinging it open as he went, and I went straight forward into the room. I let myself hit the far bed, somersaulted over it, and landed on the floor on the far side - which is where I'd planned to end up, but Nick didn't need to know that. He crowed with laughter across the room as he closed the door.

"I gotcha Frick, I gotcha."

I laid on the floor on the far side of the room, swallowing all the anger I'd bottled against him. If Nick could get over it this fast with whatever it was Leighanne had said to him, then I guess so could I.

And I guess Castrated Ken was kinda funny.

Not that Leighanne had my balls or anything.

Really.

Chapter Thirty-Three


The next morning we were all up bright and early and off to the museum. Nick was up before I was and jumping on the bed like a little kid to get me going. He was wearing jeans and a stripey shirt that made him look like a little Osh Kosh b'Gosh kid, especially with his goofy hair. "Leighanne is coming," he chattered, "She's coming and we gotta be ready to go! You gotta get ready to go!"

"What time is it?" I demanded, rolling over to grope for the alarm clock.

"Time to get up," Nick replied, and he dashed off, disappearing into the bathroom.

It was only 7:30. I groaned. The one day we had to sleep in and Nick was up with the birds. "I think we can sleep for a few more minutes, Nick," I said, falling back into the pillows.

"No, no we can't," he replied. He reappeared at my side, holding up my wet and pasted toothbrush like he was holding a torch. He thrust his hand out at me. "We only got one day off y'know?" he asked.

He looked so eager.

I sighed and sat up, taking my toothbrush and shoving it into my mouth. "You're a pain in the ass," I said around my toothbrush as I started scrubbing my teeth.

Nick's enthusiasm didn't wane, either. He followed me to the bathroom and I had to actually push him back out into the room in order to pee and shower. When I came out of the bathroom ten minutes later, Leighanne was already there. She and Nick were sitting at the table with a tray piled high with three room service dishes on them and the room smelled heavily of breakfast foods.

"Morning!" Leighanne said cheerily. She smiled brightly.

"Look! Leighanne's here, I told you she was coming," Nick said. He whipped the cover off one of the food service dishes. "And look," he added, "Pancakes."

What in the hell had happened after I went into the hall last night? I wondered. It was like some sort of alien race had abducted him and replaced him with a cyborg (Wait, was it cyborg or android? Where the hell was Kevin when I actually needed him?).

So we ate pancakes and headed out. The hotel wasn't far from the museum, so we opted for walking to it with two able-bodied security guys trailing us. Leighanne slipped her fingers through mine and Nick babbled endlessly about Thor and Loki and the gods of the Norse religion all the way to the museum.

"You know," he said, walking backwards as he talked, "I used to think if I was gonna be a norsegod --"

"You've actually thought about thinks like that?" I asked.

Nick shrugged, "Who hasn't?"

"Most normal people?" I asked.

Leighanne laughed, "What did you think, Nick?" she asked.

"That I'd be Thor," he replied. "Brian can be Loki. Except I'm not sure that works cos Loki was like half giant or something and Brian's short."

"Thanks for pointing that out," I laughed.

"I think he's just right," Leighanne said, ruffling my hair.

All day, I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, for Nick and Leighanne to start fighting again. But it never came. Instead, we wandered through the entire museum and the gift shop and even got lunch without any incidents. We learned about the Norse trade routes and the rise and fall of various kingdoms and traditions of the early Swedish cultures. We saw photos of recreated Viking ships and long houses and all kinds of tools, clothes, and runes that were either replicas or actually dated back to those days. All in all, it made for an interesting experience, and Nick left toting a book of Norse myths and legends. I bought Leighanne a necklace in the gift shop that symbolized love called a Northern Knot. It looked something like a cross with a ring woven through it embedded with tiny clear stones. She seemed to immediately develop a habit of holding onto it, and kept rolling the pendent through her fingers as she talked at lunch.

By the time we got back to the hotel, Nick looked as exhausted as I felt. We stood in the hallway outside the hotel room. I looked at Nick, waiting for him to go inside, but he just stood there looking kind of dopey. "Wanna play Pacman or something?" he asked after a long pause. In response, I cleared my throat, and he looked at me. "What? We can play Frogger or Asteroids or Donkey Kong or --"

"I'll be right there," I said, nodding toward Leighanne. "I'd like to say goodnight if that's okay?"

His eyes followed my nod and locked on her. "She can play too," he offered.

Leighanne smirked.

"I think she'd rather say good night to me," I said pointedly.

Nick thought about this for a moment, then the dawn struck. "Ohhh," he said. "Sorry." He turned and fumbled for his key card. "I'll be in here. Night." The door closed behind him, leaving Leighanne and I alone, at last.

"Okay," I said, laughter playing on my mouth, "You have to tell me. What in the hell did you tell him last night after I left the room?"

"I told him I'd share you from now on and not be such a Brian whore," she said, laughing.

"So you get what he meant by that now?" I asked.

Leighanne nodded, "Yeah. He explained it better after you left the room."

"So you're gonna share me?" I laughed.

Leighanne nodded, "Joint custody."

I leaned closer, pressing our foreheads together. "Six month split?" I asked.

"Weekends and every other holiday," she whispered. We started kissing and the next thing I knew we'd backed into her hotel room and I'd forgotten all about Nick and Pacman/Asteroids/Donkey Kong/whatever.

The next morning, we had the flight on to Holland and Leighanne was returning to the United States. Before she left, though, I made her promise she'd fly back to meet me in Spain in two weeks, in Madrid, so that we could spend the last few dates of the tour together before I flew to Rochester for the surgery. She agreed and we kissed goodbye at the terminal.

I felt empty watching her walk away, but Nick hooked his arm over my shoulder and shouted, "I'm takin' care of Ken, promise, Barbie!"

I was about to yap at him for calling her Barbie, but Leighanne turned and yelled back, "You better Carter!"

After we'd stood there and watched Leighanne's plane taxi away from the window we were standing by, Nick sighed and led the way to our own terminal and we took the short flight to Holland, where we were scheduled to play two dates before moving on to Belgium. It was only a couple days, but it seemed like it was going to be a lifetime before I saw Leighanne again, and I found myself resenting Lou even more than before for making her leave.

Both the dates in Holland went marvelously. However, we were not free of drama in Arnhem because upon landing there, Lou announced at Johnny was going to be returning to the United States to work on a promotional run with NSYNC instead of staying on with us for the time being. "But not to worry," he said, "He'll be back."

I couldn't help but wonder what had caused Johnny this sudden choice to leave the BSB tour to go back to NSYNC's. I mean sure the guy spent a ton of time on the phone advocating for them while he was working with us, but was it seriously a coincidence that three days after I confronted him in the elevator about my condition he decided to leave the tour? I wondered if he'd had an argument with Lou about it all, or if he'd really just left.

I'd never know.

Two days later, in Belgium, all Nick could think about was waffles. Waffles were the new Twinkies in Belgium. I swear to God, every time I turned around the kid was holding a waffle. He even stooped low enough as to send one of the security guys out to buy him a waffle while his hair was getting done before the show. And I have to admit there's a reason Belgium is known for it's waffles - they're amazing, like nothing you can get in the States - but I felt Nick needed to take caution in consuming all the waffles in the entire country.

We were all sitting around the dressing room waiting to take the stage - and Nick was munching on the waffle that security had fetched for him - when Lou came into the room. "I have some news for you," he said importantly.

We all turned to look at him.

"I just got a call from Bille Woodruff and he's signed on for directing the new I'll Never Break Your Heart music video," he announced. A general crow of excitement arose among us. We'd been waiting for a while on some more information about filming the video, and he'd given us a really interesting pitch that we'd all fallen for. "There is a slight catch," Lou called out, waving his hands to get the chatter to die down and regain our attentions.

And even before he said the words, I just knew what the catch was.

"The only time Bille is available is the end of this month," Lou said.

"How is that a catch?" Kevin asked.

Lou turned to look at me. "Ask Brian," he replied.

I felt all four of them turn to look at me and my heart gave a poorly-timed ping that made me wince. I ran my hand across my chest. Still, we'd waited so long to get the opportunity to film the video with Bille Woodruff that it seemed almost shameful to pass up the chance. What would just a couple more weeks do, I wondered, really?

"There's no problem," I said quickly before I could talk myself out of it.

I could almost picture what Leighanne would be doing right now if she was here to see this. She'd be pissed. But I imagined that she'd understand once I'd explained it. I mean, it really wasn't that big of a deal to push it back just a couple more weeks, right? Especially for something as huge as this music video... Right?

Lou looked concerned. "Are you sure?" he said carefully, "I do recall receiving a strongly worded note about making certain you got these dates off."

Kevin was giving me a confused/concerned look.

I nodded, "It's fine. I'll reschedule."

Lou nodded. "So it's a go then?"

After he'd confirmed what he was to tell Bille Woodruff, Lou waddled out of the dressing room. I could feel all four of the guys staring at me and I closed my eyes, drawing a deep breath, preparing myself for what I knew what about to come.

"You weren't planning to -like- elope or something were you?" Kevin asked.

I shook my head.

"Sexy vacation somewhere that you can get her scantily clad on the beach?" AJ guessed.

Again, I shook my head.

"Non sexy vacation?" Howie joked weakly.

"It's your heart, ain't it?" Nick asked.

His words seemed to hang in the air. I drew a deep breath, and looked up, meeting each of them in the eyes. "Before we left on this tour," I said, "I had an... appointment... at my doctor's in Lexington..."

Kevin's eyes darkened with concern.

"And he ran some tests and it looks like I need surgery."

All four of them exploded with questions. I hung my head, trying to hear them all, but the only one that really rang out was Nick's.

"You won't die, right?"

I looked up at him. "I certainly hope not."

Kevin reached out and grabbed my shoulder, "Have you told Aunt Jackie?"

"Not yet," I answered.

"You don't look sick," Howie was muttering, shaking his head, "Shouldn't you look sick?" he asked.

I shrugged, "I don't always feel sick either, but..."

"Did you get a second opinion?" AJ demanded.

"He sent my test results to the doctor that's going to be doing the operation," I replied, "So sort of a second opinion, yes."

"What about the summer tour Lou was planning?" Howie questioned.

"Post poned, I guess," I answered, shrugging. "I mean I'll be okay to tour again after I recover but I don't know how long that takes..."

A general silence fell over us all.

"So you were gonna go at the end of the month to get surgeried on and now you're postponing it?" Nick asked.

I nodded. "Yeah, just 'til after the video shoot. It's not that long."

Kevin was gnawing the inside of his mouth. After a long moment, he got up. "Okay, let's get out there," he said, taking charge. I knew he wasn't trying to cut the conversation short, it's just how he dealt with stress - taking charge. It was just a part of him that I knew well. He'd been the only one to take charge and make decisions and keep everyone going back when his father had been sick and it was a trait that he'd kept over the years. As we started filing out into the hallway, Kevin caught me by the arm on my way out the door. He looked straight into my eyes for a long moment. "Tell your mother," he said.

"I will," I replied.

"And don't postpone it unless you know you can," he added. "The video isn't worth your life."

"I know."

He nodded sharply. "Okay. Good. Let's go." He ushered me into the hallway.

I spent the show thinking about several things. First, how I was going to tell my mother about the whole thing, and second how I was going to tell Leighanne about postponing the operation again. I wrote myself a note that I left in my Batman comic book to call Dr. Danielson's office the next day and postpone the surgery until May.

That night in the hotel room, Nick and I were laying in the dark, staring up at the ceiling, only the city lights coming in through the window to illuminate the room. "Why didn't you tell me you needed surgery?" Nick asked from across the room.

"I didn't really tell anyone," I replied. "Just Leighanne."

He was quiet for a long moment. "You're sure you won't die?"

A flash went through my mind - a mental image of me collapsing on stage and Nick desperately trying to perform CPR. It ran chills through my spine and a lump rose in my throat. I didn't tell Nick, though. Instead, I simply said, "Pretty sure, yeah."

"Cos you can't die," Nick said. "You just can't."

"I'll do my best," I answered.

"It was your resolution," he said.

"I know," I replied.

"You're doing good so far, don't break it."

"Better than you are," I replied, thinking of all the Twinkies he'd eaten in the past month.

Nick laughed, "Twinkies are kind of impossible to give up for me. I dunno what it is about them. They're like fluffy, creamy, cakey crack. A world without Twinkies is like... I dunno, Hell or something." He was quiet a moment. "Just don't die, okay Brian? Just don't. That'd be worse then if there was no Twinkies."

"I'm trying not to," I answered. "I promise."

I heard him roll over in bed and I knew that was the end of the conversation. I just hoped I could keep my promise.

I waited to call Dr. Danielson's office to postpone the surgery until we'd landed in France the next day, settled into the hotel rooms, done the first part of rehearsals and sat down to lunch. Because of the timezone, I couldn't have called much earlier than that anyway, but I'll admit that I was procrastinating at heart. When I did call, I stole away by myself while everyone was distracted by the food that had just carted its way into the backstage area.

I explained to the secretary that, due to work obligations, I needed to push the surgery back a couple more weeks, and that I was sorry I was being a hassle to Dr. Danielson and causing so much trouble for his schedule, but that I really couldn't avoid the new obligation. She moved my surgery date from April 20th to May 8th.

After I'd called, I sat in a seat in one of the bleachers, staring down at the roadies putting finishing touches setting up the stage below, not wanting to go back down with the guys. I pictured the show from a fan's perspective, pictured our lives and careers from a fan's perspective. It looked so different, so much happier and easier than it really was. So much went into these tours and records and photos and interviews than most people realize or ever think about. I mean they forget about the hours we spend traveling place to place or rehearsing. Our lives probably seem easy from the outside, like we're just chilling and having a good time 24/7 until we're on the stage.

"I thought I saw you up here," Kevin said, dropping into the seat beside me. He leaned back and put his legs up on the chair in front of him and we sat like that in silence for a long time, probably three or four minutes or more. Then he moved his legs down and looked at me side-long. "How long has your heart been bothering you, cuz?" he asked.

I stared ahead, watching as they set up the five mic stands on the stage for the soundcheck, adjusting the heights to match each of our specifications. "Last year," I said quietly, "I went to Dr. Carlsbad for a check up and he said my VSD was sounding a little worse and that I was probably going to need surgery soon if it didn't improve."

"So it is the VSD, then," Kevin said.

I nodded. "He said the hole in my septum is causing a splash-back of blood and it's congesting my heart, making it pump twice as hard as it needs to."

Kevin sighed and leaned back again, "Sounds like us. Having to work twice as hard as we need to to keep this whole thing moving, huh?"

"I don't know that we really do need to," I replied. "I think Lou makes it a lot harder than it really is."

"What's going on with you and Nick and Lou?" Kevin asked, "There seems like a lot of conflict there."

I hesitated. "You'll have to ask Nick about his deal with Lou," I replied cautiously, "It's not my story to tell."

Kevin folded his arms across his chest. "And yours?"

"I mean I told you about the financial thing, but it's also Nick's thing, and also when I went to ask for time off for my heart he didn't want to give it to me," I said. "He actually fought with me about it. He all but directly said that money was worth more than my life." I shook my head, "I have no respect left to give him. He's taken it all from me."

Kevin was shaking his head. "We gotta do something."

"I just don't know what," I agreed. "I told Johnny, sort of. He apologized. But now he's left to go work with NSYNC again, so despite the apology I don't think he really gave a damn."

"Maybe we should consider a lawyer," he said.

I turned to look at him. "A lawyer?"

Kevin nodded. "I mean we're technically in violation of a bunch of labor laws. We should be making time and a half after 40 hours, getting days off, being treated respectfully," he shrugged. "Maybe the labor board will have our backs. Maybe we need to find a way to bail on these contracts and get fair contracts with managers who care and won't put money over a life."

I nodded.

"So when are you having the surgery now?" he asked.

"May 8th," I replied.

Kevin was silent for a long moment. I expected him to say something like that he'd be there for me, that they all would, or give me some pep talk about courage and bravery in the face of fear and all that. Instead, he stood up and said, "We should get back to work."

Chapter Thirty-Four


I had problems concentrating on the shows in Metr and in Paris because I knew Leighanne was going to be waiting for me in Barcelona. I still hadn't told her about postponing the surgery a second time, though, and I was dreading telling her about that. But in Paris, I realized that even worse than having not yet updated Leighanne on the new date of the operation, I'd forgotten to update Lou, and he came backstage touting more so-called 'good news'; he'd booked us for several dates in May, including Grad Night at Disney World, the World Music Awards, and several radio station summer concerts. Additionally, he'd gone ahead and booked the entire summer tour spanning through July and August.

I stared, dumbfounded, at the sheet as the other guys started crowing in excitement over Grad Night and the new leg of the tour. I felt sick to my stomach. Sure, postponing from April to May was only a couple weeks but this new schedule would require postponing for a couple months.

"I can't do this," I said, looking up from the sheet, interrupting everyone's excitement.

Lou looked at me. "Why not?" he demanded.

"Because I postponed my surgery," I said, "To May 8th."

Lou stared at me. "You didn't give me an exact date."

"May 8th," I said again.

"So you can go get it done here, after the World Music Awards," he snapped, jabbing a finger at the copy of schedule he held. "They're on the 6th. With time zones in your favor, you can be home in time for sure."

I felt dizzy. Were we seriously talking about me just squeezing in an open heart surgery? "Recovery time," I stammered, shaking my head, "I just - I can't."

"So postpone it again," Lou replied.

I stared at him, unable to speak, my words literally sucked out of my mouth by my incredulity.

"You gotta admit, Grad Night would be pretty awesome to play," Nick said quietly. "I mean... it wouldda been my Grad Night if I'd stayed in regular school..."

"Yeah Disney's wicked," AJ agreed. He looked at me, "We gotta do Disney, 'Rok."

"And look at some of these venues we've been booked in the States," Kevin said quietly. "They're quite impressive... I mean, Radio City Music Hall? The MGM Grand? This is the stuff of legends."

I felt my mouth go dry. Were they seriously trying to talk me out of surgery? Even Kevin?

Lou's eyes met mine. "Think about it," he said, "And let me know when you know what you want to do." He turned and left the room.

We sat in silence for a couple minutes. Nick stared down at the proposed schedule, Kevin stared off into space, Howie chewed on a left over piece of bread, AJ poured a glass of Jack on the dressing counter in front of him, and I waited because I knew somehow in my gut what was coming.

Kevin looked up, "How bad is the VSD right now?" he asked me.

"Bad enough I need surgery?" I asked, a touch of sarcasm in my voice.

"But is it something you could wait on," he asked, "Just a little bit longer?"

A lump rose in my throat, "I don't know."

Nick looked up. "Can we at least do Grad Night?" he asked, "I mean you don't gotta postpone nothin' to do Grad Night. It's May 1st." He looked hopefully at me, then scanned his eyes across the other guys. "I just feel like I should be there 'cos technically it's my Grad Night, you know?"

"Can't Lou just cancel some of the shit? Like just the shit you need cancelled, Rok, to recover?" AJ suggested, swallowing a mouthful of Jack.

"How long does it take to recover?" Howie asked.

"Month or two I'd imagine," I whispered.

Kevin was staring at the schedule intently. "These venues," he said, a longing tone to his voice, "Some of these venues are just... they're incredible. They're the types of shows we've dreamed of playing from day one." He shook his head. "The MGM Grand, man." He looked up at me. "They're career makers, Bri."

"I know, I get it," I said, my throat burning, "My heart chose the worst possible time in the entire world to stop working right, I get it."

"It just seems a shame to cancel these," Kevin said.

"My heart is literally broken," I said, emphasizing the word. "It's a shame yes but --"

"May 8th to July 8 is two months," AJ pointed out. "The first tour date's July 8."

"That's the recovery time," Howie said, a hopeful tone to his voice.

Nick's eyes lit up, "So if we like do all this stuff ourselves and let Brian go do his heart surgery --" he waved his hands at the top half of the schedule Lou had handed out, "Then we get to do the tour dates too! And Grad Night."

"You're gonna do shows without me?" I asked, dumbfounded. Kevin had jutted out his lower lip and was nodding like he was surprised he hadn't had the idea himself. AJ and Howie looked excited, Nick was staring at Kevin with anticipation of approval. I sat there feeling like I wasn't there, like I was already out of their little loop somehow. "But... what about me?" I asked, confused.

"You'll be recovering," Kevin said, "It makes sense actually. I think it could work."

"We'd just have to do some rehearsals without Brian, figure out who can sing his parts," Howie said, "I think I can hit the same range as Brian, so probably me..."

And I sat there listening as they started patching a hole that I would make in the band in my absence. I watched their mouths move and their expressions light up as they spoke and suggested resolutions to problems that might arise and they didn't find any that couldn't be easily fixed. I was utterly and entirely replacable. I could barely breathe, and I felt like I could hear my heart thumping in my ears. I drew a deep breath.

After all this time, it seemed I wasn't really an irreplacable part of the Backstreet Boys. I was really just tagging along with Kevin's little project. I remembered this one time, when I was a kid, when Kevin and Harold had invited me to go fishing with them and I didn't realize 'til I got home that my mom had made them bring me along; I'd just been asked to tag along mainly because my mom made them feel sorry for me. And maybe that's all this was, too. Maybe Kevin felt sorry for me and threw me the bone of rounding out a vocal harmony group that didn't really need me.

"No," I whispered, feeling my heart breaking at the thought.

The guys were still talking, loudly, right over my whisper, not even noticing that I spoke. I felt like a ghost. I forced words to my mouth, "I'll postpone it," I whispered. I felt like I was clinging to a rock face, like I was scrabbling for a grip on my life, on the rights I had to it, like if I didn't get a hold on the situation I'd fall out of the band and never regain my grip on it. I felt like if I didn't get back in there - now - I'd never get back in there at all.

"I'll postpone it," I said louder, but they still didn't hear me, they were all talking so loud and my throat felt almost raw like I hadn't spoken in ages or somthing. I shoved the words out, and they burst from me much louder this time, loud enough to break through their talking. "I'll postpone it!!"

They stopped and looked at me.

"I'm sure I'm fine," I said, trying to convince myself as much as them, "I'll just postpone it 'til after the tour. That's all. It's not a big deal. Then we can all do the dates..."

"Are you sure?" Kevin asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, yes," I answered. I looked down at the sheet. "Yeah, look, see... August 14, wraps up in Seattle. I can book it for August. August 20th or something. That's not that much further out."

"Okay then," Kevin nodded. A smile cracked his face. "Guys, we're playing the MGM! How crazy is that?"

They fell into a conversation about how mind-blowingly huge Backstreet Boys was becoming, how unbelievable it was that this was our lives, our careers, that we were this famous, and I sat there staring down at the paper in my hand, feeling cold all over like ice water was running through my veins.

That odd, cold feeling didn't go away, even under the hot stage lights during the show that night. I took a long shower when we got back to the hotel, and stared up into the streaming water, feeling it hit my face and roll away across my skin. There was no washing away the cold feeling though, and it wasn't until I was laying in my empty bed, wishing Leighanne was there already, that I realized it wasn't a physical kinda cold, it was an emotional one.

The next day, we travelled to Barcelona and I met Leighanne in the airport. I've never been more thankful to see a person in all of my life. I held her so close to me and pressed my face into her hair, smelling her, breathing her in. It was the first time I'd felt warm again since the fellas had taken my decision to postpone the operation so lightly. She wrapped her arms around my waist. "You're awfully cuddly today," she murmured into my chest.

"I missed you," I answered.

"I missed you too," she replied.

Because her return wasn't specifically Lou-approved, I still technically was supposed to be sharing a hotel room with Nick. But Leighanne had her own room on another floor of the hotel and so in a way Nick had scored himself a single. He was so ecstatic because he'd never really had a room to himself before. He just had to put up with me keeping my stuff in there.

I took Leighanne out to dinner that night in Barcelona, to a little place not very far from where we were staying and we shared a bottle of wine. Her eyes sparkled so pretty in the flickering candle-lit atmosphere of the room that I didn't dare to tell her about the new tour dates and me postponing my surgery yet again. I just wanted the night to be nice, and to share space with her. I just wanted to feel warm.

We spent the night together in her hotel room, and shared breakfast together. Nick called when Lou was knocking on the doors to collect us all to let me know we were meeting in the lobby in twenty minutes.

Leighanne came along and Lou was less than impressed by the fact that she'd rejoined the entourage, but he didn't say anything because he already knew I'd agreed to push back the surgery to accomodate for the tour schedule he'd drawn up. I imagined he probably felt like he'd won some war, so it didn't matter if I won a battle.

That night after the show, as we were driving to Zaragoza, the van stopped at a McDonlads, where Leighanne sat and drank milk shakes and shared French Fries we'd ordered. The other guys were all sharing one big booth, but I wanted to be alone with Leighanne. I thought I was going to tell her about the tour, but I couldn't find it in my heart to make the dazzling smile on her face go away by bringing it up.

She stuck a fry in my mouth and laughed when it bent and went up my nose instead. I laughed and picked one up and pretended to attempt to push it up her nose, too, even though I wasn't really trying to get it up there, I was just teasing her. She covered her head and laughed loudly, "Stop," she begged, her giggles making the word almost unrecognizable. I tossed the fry back on the table and kissed her softly, our lips salty from the french fries.

I kept meaning to tell her about the tour and about me postponing my surgery, but I didn't seem to get a chance to. I dreaded Kevin or someone mentioning the MGM Grand and every time there was a near-miss I vowed the next time I got Leighanne alone I was just gonna blurt it out.

Back in the van afterwards, Nick insisted that I sit in between him and Leighanne, and jokingly cited his "custody rights". Leighanne laughed and agreed to the terms, so we ended up in the back row of the van with Lou glancing back at us in the mirror on the back of his visor. The other guys had fallen asleep long before the three of us did, and I couldn't help but think how amazing it was having my Frack and my Fiance actually getting along like this. I held Leighanne's hand tightly, spinning the engagement ring absently with my fingers as we talked. When I woke up, I found they'd both fallen asleep using my shoulders as pillows.

At the hotel in Zaragoza, Leighanne simply roomed in with me and Nick, since they were getting along so well. Nick sat in bed in his pajamas and pointed over at us, "No funny business, remember I'm right here in the next bed, got it?" he asked.

Leighanne laughed, "We promise, Nick."

Nick flipped onto his side, back to us, and snuggled into his blankets.

I wrapped my arm around Leighanne and she nestled against my chest. The morning light was starting to peek through the window, and we didn't have too long before Lou would be knocking to summon us off to a radio station or rehearsal or whatever, so I closed my eyes and felt myself melt into the pillow. Leighanne's ear was to my chest.

"I love you," she whispered.

"I love you too," I answered.

"I'm so thankful," she said quietly, "You know that?"

"For what?" I asked.

Leighanne put her hand on my chest and ran it down the center, smiling sleepily, "I'm thankful for you being in my life, and for doctors who know how to perform surgeries that can fix your heart..." she kissed my chest, then laid her head back down. "I'm thankful to have the rest of my life with you." She looked up at me, "After May 8th, you'll be whole again."

"Yeah," I whispered. My stomach twisted. "Leighanne, I --"

"Shh," she whispered, and her hand found my forehead, running through the curls of my hair that dripped over the front of my hairline. "Shh, get some sleep, my love," she said.

And so, as much as I knew I should protest and insist that she listen as I told her, I decided that it wasn't the end of the world to put it off for just one more day. Just one more day wouldn't hurt, right? I promised myself I would tell her the next day - at lunch or something, at some point.

The next morning, Lou was at the door knocking and Nick announced he wanted us downstairs in twenty minutes. Leighanne slept on while the two of us jostled over bathroom space (Nick insisted he had to shave even though there was still nothing there for him to shave), and we both said bye as we rushed down to the lobby. Nick was jabbering about how he'd dreamed up an idea for how we could play hoops with Leighanne (she could be our referee, he said), and he was stuffing a Twinkie he'd stored in his pocket and had smashed into the plastic wrap. As we climbed into the van, Nick was licking the creamy-cakey residue out of the package and AJ was watching him in disgusted fascination.

It seemed like we barely stopped the entire day. We bounced from a radio interview to lunch to a quick interview with a Spanish teen magazine to the rehearsal/soundcheck/meet and greet and before any of us had time to breathe, we were backstage once more, getting our hair done and our stage clothes on. Leighanne stopped by backstage on her way to her seat on the side of the stage, and she hugged me from behind as I fiddled with my ear piece and kissed me good luck when it was time we went to do pre-show prayer. And then the lights were on and the fans were screaming and we'd taken the stage and I still hadn't told Leighanne about my surgery.

After the show, we drove overnight to the ocean-side city of Valencia, where we were promised a couple hours off for dinner before the show if we did rehearsals early. Leighanne's eyes lit up at the thought of a romantic dinner - one that didn't involve golden arches and french fry salt . I promised myself that no matter what I would tell her at dinner that night.

Chapter Thirty-Five


Of course everything that could possibly go wrong in Valencia went wrong. It started with Howie greeting us in the morning with a stuffy-runny nose and a thick sounding voice. Nick, who'd originally been seated next to Howie, immediately switched seats and sat next to me. So Lou started out in a foul mood because he hated it when any of us got sick - it mean all of us being off our game because, like I said before, if one of us is off we're all off. The morning was only worsened when we arrived at the venue following two choppy interviews, only to find out we couldn't do rehearsals yet because our stage wasn't even halfway assembled. The head roadie apologized profusely and said it had taken longer than usual to transport it for whatever reason, so the stage hands were still swarming around trying to complete their jobs, but that they expected to be done in plenty of time for the show. Consequently, we didn't get to do a rehearsal or a soundcheck. Then, at the meet and greet, Nick made the fatal mistake of giving a girl a hug and then every girl after her wanted a hug, and we were there for way longer than we were originally meant to be...

The end result? You guessed it. Our dinner break got cancelled. I asked a few guys who worked at the venue if they knew of any sea-side restaurants that were opened late enough I could go there after the show, and I got lucky because one of them knew of a small bar that stayed open until the two o'clock call and he said they served meals and had a romantic atmosphere, which was exactly what I needed.

"I'm sorry I can't go with you now," I apologized to Leighanne when she showed up for our dinner date. I kissed her and told her about the place the venue employee had told me about and she smiled and said she understood, though I saw her glance Lou's direction and I know she was thinking what a dictator he was.

I couldn't imagine how much of a dictator she'd find him once she found out I'd postponed until August now. Not that I'd called Dr. Danielson yet. I made a mental note to remember to call him too, since it was kind of important that the doctor know about the change in my schedule and everything. I mean, it'd be nice if he showed up and stuff.

The show went well, even though I spent the entire time I was on stage mentally running through the words I needed to tell Leighanne what was happening. As the last notes of the final song faded through the stadium and the crowd roared their approval, I took the fastest shower known to mankind in the bathroom backstage before I was rushed out the backdoor of the venue to the waiting car that would take Leighanne and I to our date. I'd thrown on a nice shirt and a pair of khaki pants, so I wasn't over or under dressed, and I'd gotten her a small bouquet of delicate white flowers.

On my way down the hall, Kevin caught me by the elbow. "Hey," he said, looking at me, "I've been thinking --"

"Kev, I gotta go, I'm taking Leighanne out," I said, "She's waiting in the car."

Kevin looked torn for a moment. Finally he nodded, "Yeah, go... go. Have fun. We can talk later."

"Thanks Kev," I answered, and I ducked out the door, and climbed into the car.

Leighanne looked gorgeous. She had a dark red dress on that hugged her curves just right and a sheer black shawl that draped over her shoulders, her hair up, a rose perched in her gorgeous blonde hair. I slid across the seat and pulled her to me. "You're beautiful," I said into her mouth as I kissed her.

The car carried us away from the venue, through the city, to the very edge of Spain, overlooking the Gulf of Valencia, which ultimately was the Mediteranean Sea. We were let off at the bar, which looked exactly as the guy had described to me. It was a tiny water-side place, with red seats on a wide deck near the marina. The deck was strung with long strings of twinkle lights, A long dock stretched out into the gulf, boats dotted the dark water, paper lanterns glowing and reflecting in the rippling water.

We sat at a seat by the edge of the deck, a few tables apart from anyone else. A large orange paper lantern hung off a post just behind Leighanne, and a bird floated on the water below. I went up to the bar and ordered us drinks and asked for a menu to look at. By the time our drinks had come we'd each selected a meal and were embedded in conversation. I liked just watching her, the way the light moved over her hair, the way her eyes lit up when she was excited about whatever she was talking about. I felt like I'd known her all of my life.

A large guy in an apron brought out dishes out and we thanked him as best we could, though neither of us knew much Spanish, and he walked away. Leighanne leaned across the table and grasped my hands as we prayed grace over the food together, and when we opened our eyes, she leaned over and kissed me softly.

We ate our food and continued in conversation, though the later the night got, the more nervous I became because the less time I had to keep my promise to myself to tell her about the tour and the surgery and everything, and I knew that I had to tell her. So when we'd finished our meals and laid our forks down the final time, I reached over and took her hand in mine. "I need to talk to you," I said, my tone serious.

Leighanne's smile slowly sunk off her face as she met my eyes. "What is it?" she asked.

"Well it's kind of good news," I balked.

A smile started to crawl its way back onto her lips, "Then why so serious?" she asked quietly.

"Lou got us some really amazing tour dates," I said, "We got signed to play the MGM Grand in Vegas." My voice carried excitement, and I grinned at her, "Isn't that incredible? Me -- on stage at the MGM Grand."

"Wow," her eyebrows went up, impressed. She squeezed my hand, "That's fantastic, Brian. I'm proud of you." She paused, licked her lips, and her eyes met mine squarely. "And what an incredible return to the stage after a heart surgery," she added, her eyes pleading me to agree, to confirm that was what I meant.

I swallowed, "Well, see..."

She shook her head, "No," she said quietly.

"It's only until August," I said, "Then I can go and get the surgery done. August 20th, actually. I rescheduled for August 20th."

Leighanne stared at me. "You're supposed to be going this month," she said.

"Actually it got pushed back to May anyway," I said, forgetting she didn't know about the video shoot.

Leighanne's eyebrows went up, "Brian!" she said, "Why?"

"Video," I said, "We're shooting a video with Bille Woodruff!"

"I don't care if you're shooting it with Jesus Christ," she snapped, "You need a surgery, Brian."

"I know and I'm gonna get one," I said.

"It doesn't do any good if you're dead," she snapped.

"Don't be like that," I said, "It's not like I'm just blowing it off for the fun of it, it's for work, for a career that I've worked really hard at for a long time. This is our big break, Leighanne, it's the MGM Grand, you know? This is it, this is the big time."

Tears had flooded her eyes and she shook her head, "You don't even hear yourself," she said, her voice threatening to break. "Why can't you see how ridiculous you're being?"

"I'm not being --"

"But you are," she cut me off. "No. No. Brian, you need to go back to the hotel and you need to tell Lou to - to --" she drew a breath, "to fuck himself." The word sounded awkward coming out of her mouth, the way curses do when they come out of someone who doesn't normally say words like that. Leighanne grabbed my hand, "You need to cancel the MGM Grand and go get your heart fixed."

"I can't cancel the MGM Grand," I said, "You should've seen the look on the other guys' faces. Kevin and Howie and AJ and Nick -- they want it so badly. I can't be the reason they don't get it."

"They don't even know about your heart," she said.

"They know, I told them when I postponed it for the music video," I said.

Leighanne's eyes registered shock. "They know and they're just okay with you postponing your surgery? You told them about the VSD and the splash back? You told them about the doctor wanting you to go as soon as possible? About him telling you last year you might need it and you putting it off then for them? You told them all that and they were just fine with you postponing it until August?"

"This tour is important," I said, "And it costs a lot of money to just cancel tour dates. A lot of work goes into making the schedules and getting things set up. It's our careers at stake."

"Now you sound like Lou," Leighanne spat.

"I don't sound like Lou," but even as I argued I knew she was right, and I despised myself for it. I'd used the exact line that had made me detest Lou so much over the last couple months.

Leighanne shook her head. "Brian, this is wrong."

"It's what I choose; it's my choice to make!" I cried hotly, angry more with myself for sounding like Lou than her for pointing it out, angry with myself because even as I fought to defend myself, I knew she was the one that was right. "And as my fiance I would think you would back me up instead of putting me down! I'd think that you would respect my decision!"

"Oh you think I should respect your choice to let yourself die?" she said, her voice hard, "Fine. Fine." She whipped the napkin that she'd laid across her lap across the table. "Fine, Brian. I respect your decision. Happy now?" She stood up. "I'm done. This is over." And just like that, she stormed away from the table. As she reached the edge of the deck, she reached up and yanked her hair down, so that it fell around her shoulders in a flurry.

Over? What in the hell did she mean by over?

"Leighanne!" I called after her, panic rising in my throat. "Leighanne!" I stood up also, almost knocking over the table, and threw money down on the table - more than enough to cover the bill - and rushed after her.

By the time I caught up to her, Leighanne was standing on the end of the dock, looking out at the water. The moon and stars and the string lights from the restaurant all reflected off the rippling surface, and her hair fluttered in the slight breeze that rolled across the bay. I stayed a few paces back and bit my lower lip, staring at her back, unsure what to say to her.

Her voice broke the night air. "I'm sorry," she said thickly, her slight southern accent making her words almost melodious. She shook her head, "I don't know what else to say, Brian." She sniffled.

A lump rose in my throat, and I stepped closer. "What did I do wrong?" I asked.

Leighanne turned around. "Brian..." she took a deep breath and two steps towards me, closing the gap. She laid a hand on my cheek. "It's not that you did anything wrong," she said.

"Then what?" I asked, "Why are you leaving me? I need you."

"I love you too much for this," she answered.

"You can't love me too much," I said.

Leighanne's eyes were sad. "I can and I do. Don't you understand Brian? It's killing you. It's literally killing you. And instead of being upset that your best friends don't care, you just keep making excuses for them and all the while it just keeps getting worse and worse..."

"They do care, baby, it's just that I gotta do this one tour and then I'll have time off and --"

"Brian, that's what you said in March about this leg of the tour," she interrupted.

"It's just until August or September," I said.

"Brian you don't have until August or September. Don't you understand that?" Leighanne's eyes filled with tears.

"I don't know what you want me to do," I said, flapping my arms, "I don't have a choice, I'm signed into a contract and I can't afford to break it."

Leighanne shook her head, "What is worth more to you, Brian? Money or your life? Being a Backstreet Boy, or being alive?"

"It's not like --"

"Yes, it is like that," she cried. "Don't you understand that every night when you're on stage and I'm standing in the wings and I'm watching you I'm not thinking about what a great show it is or how awesome you sound or how great you did that one move? I'm standing there and all I can think is that at any moment your heart's going to stop. I can't take it anymore."

"Baby..." I stepped toward her, extending my arms, about to wrap them around her.

"No Brian," Leighanne backed away, pushing my arms off of her. "No." She wrapped her arms around herself as a gust of wind came up her back, blowing her hair towards me. She stared at me, her eyes searching my face. She sniffled. "I swore to myself I'd never be this kind of person --" she mumbled.

"What kind of person?"

"The kind that makes ultimatums."

"Baby please..." I stepped towards her again.

Again, she pushed my arms away. "Brian, you need to choose," she said, "You need to choose."

"Choose what? Between you and the Backstreet Boys?" My throat felt on fire.

Leighanne shook her head, "No. No, I'm not asking you to quit the band. But if you don't do the surgery - now, not later - then I need to leave."

"Leighanne, it's really not that much longer 'til August, how big of a difference can it possibly make?" I asked.

She reached for her hand and pulled off the ring I'd given her. She tucked it into my palm. "This big," she whispered. She stepped around me and I stared at the water, numbness crawling through my veins. I listened to her shoes clicking off the wooden dock all the way back to the restaurant's patio, unable to react. I carefully unfolded my hand, and stared down at the canary yellow diamond.

It took me several long moments to process what had just happened, and I stood there, numb and unable to breathe for what seemed a decade or two. I stared out at the water, at boats passing through the moonlight. Finally, with a shaky breath, I turned and walked down the dock to the shore. In the lot, I found she'd taken the car, and I was left stranded. I could've taken any number of cabs that lined the sidewalk, but I opted instead to walk because that's what it felt like I should do. That's what it felt like was the only thing I could do.

I wandered the Valencia streets for a bit, meandering my way back to the hotel. I wondered where she'd gone when she'd left, what she was going to do. I passed so many couples in the streets and all I could do was look away and send nasty thoughts their way. I felt guilty each time I wished illwill, but I couldn't stop. My hand stayed clutched around the ring as I tried to make sense of it being back in my possession. The idea had been when I gave it to her that she would never again take it off.

By the time I got back to the hotel and climbed the stairs to the room I was sharing with Nick, my feet felt like lead and my stomach had tied itself into probably a hundred thousand knots. I pulled my key out of my pocket and unlocked the door. A part of me had hoped she'd be there, but she wasn't. Instead, the room was empty save for Nick, who was sitting cross-legged on the floor in the glow of the television, the sounds of Nintendo coming from the speakers. He hardly looked over as I walked in, removed my suit coat and tie, and dropped them onto the floor. I kicked off my shoes.

"Where's Boob-Job Barbie?" Nick asked.

And just like that I was overcome with a rage like I'd never felt before. In my sock feet, I grabbed his NES system and chucked it to the floor, ripping the paddle right out of his hand. The game system hit the carpet with a pathetic crunch and rolled. Nick let out a shriek. "I was on level forty-eight! What the fuck!" I punched the wall squarely, pulled down everything that was hanging in our little closet and swiped the ice bucket, cups, coffee packets and hotel stationary off the dresser. "Whoa, dude, calm down," Nick said, his brows stitching together in concern. But I was on a roll. I felt like the Incredible Hulk, I was angry and I was unstoppable.

Nick crawled onto his bed, stood in the center and stared at me with wide eyes from his elevated standpoint as I chucked the bedside lamp to the far wall and pushed the alarm clock over. I stood there between the two beds, panting. My heart thundered in my ears so much faster than it should've. My hands shook and a chill came over my entire body.

Nick stared at me for a long moment, then slowly lowered himself to his knees. "Are you finished?" he asked. He sounded like my mother, when I was a kid and I'd thrown a fit because I couldn't try out for little league or because she'd said no when I asked for a candy bar in the store.

I considered his question. Was I done? What if Leighanne was right? What if I didn't have until August or September to put off getting my heart fixed? What if I did this tour and it did kill me? Was I really done living?

I looked up at him. "No," I said, answering myself more than his question. "I'm not done yet."

Nick hesitated. Then he rolled backwards, grabbed the lamp off the far bedside table, and handed it to me. "Here."

Without a second thought, I chucked it against the wall and the sound of the shattering glass seemed to smooth my broken nerves. I dropped to my knees on the carpet and covered my face. Tears were threatening to fall, but I wouldn't let them. I gasped oxygen into my body, almost choking on it as it ripped my throat raw. Nick crawled off the bed and knelt down beside me. "Dude, what in the hell happened?" he asked.

"She left me," I gasped out the words.

"What?" his voice pinched in surprise.

"Leighanne," I said, dropping the ring that I still had clutched in my fist into his palm. "She left me. She dumped me. She's gone."

Nick was quiet and I felt him get up and put the ring down and he came back a moment later with a cup of water. "I'm sorry dude," he said, handing me the water. "Here, drink this."

"I'm not thirsty," I gasped.

Nick held it out to me anyways, "You gotta drink."

I took it and downed it in a couple quick gulps. I looked up at Nick. "What am I gonna do without her?" I asked him.

He frowned, "I'm sorry."

"I don't know what to do without her," I repeated myself, and I wrapped my own arms around myself. "I don't know what to do."

"You're gonna get back up and move on," Nick answered.

"I don't know how," I said.

"Sure ya do." Nick shrugged. "Bri, you're a tough guy, you can do this. She's just a girl."

I shook my head, "She isn't just a girl, Nick," I said, "She's my girl."

"Why'd she break up with you?" Nick asked.

"Because of the tour, she's not supportive of the tour," I whispered.

He stared at me for a long moment, "Well shouldn't your woman stand by you? Support you?"

I nodded.

"Then maybe she wasn't right for you."

I felt numb. I didn't wanna hear anyone say she wasn't right for me because deep down inside I knew she was the only one that was right in this situation. This stupid, fricking, unchangable situation. I shook my head, "I can't. I can't..." I crawled onto the bed, and curled up on top of the blankets, hugging my knees to my chest.