August 17th, 2012

My condo in Malibu used to be my sanctuary, my favourite place to be. Now, it was just something that reminded me of what I used to have, and who I used to be.

A year before I had moved here with my long term girlfriend, Lauren. This was our new home, our place on the beach away from the busy of the city, and the prying eyes of the paparazzi. We were happy. In some ways we were like a little family, with our two dogs being our fur babies.

After I finished my solo tour in February, everything changed. I went on tour the same old Nick, and came home a new person.

I really didn’t think Lauren would leave, but eventually she did, taking the dogs with her. I didn’t blame her, all I could talk about was how much I hated myself and what I’d become. It was only time before she would hate me too.

And despite the fact she had promised me she didn’t hate me, I hadn’t heard from her in close to two months. And it only made me realize that I’d done just what I had planned to do.

Push everyone I cared about the most as far away from me as possible.

My family, surprisingly, had been the easiest. They seemed to despise me already, so not going to Leslie’s funeral had made their decisions for them. It didn’t matter that I couldn’t bear to see her buried in the ground, and see everyone’s sad faces. Or see my little niece, who must have been so confused.

The guys had been a little harder to push away. Brian had been the easiest. After one argument, which consisted of me telling him to go fuck himself and leave me alone, he’d done just that. Well, maybe not fuck himself, but who knew.

Next on my list had been Howie. It fucking killed me being so mean to him, when I could see in his big brown eyes that he was concerned, but he backed off. I knew he hadn’t given up though, for Kevin constantly reminded me.

Kevin… now he was one stubborn motherfucker. I chuckled to myself as I walked through the double doors in my living room to the balcony. I’d managed to get rid of Brian, Howie and even AJ, but Kevin hung around like a bad smell. I knew he would, he was always watching out for me, and whilst that had made me feel warm and fuzzy, I didn’t want him to anymore.

I was 32 years old, and my mind had been set.

It was just a little harder to go through plans when the old man kept coming around.

“Here..”

I looked beside me at Kevin, who held out a mug of coffee. I took the mug and brought it to my lips, taking a hefty mouthful despite the fact it was piping hot.

“You need a hair cut, boy.”

I ran my hands through my hair. I’d been growing it out for kicks, and had all intentions of cutting it at some point, but then decided I liked it. People thought I looked fugly and old with it. It made them not like me. “Eh, I like it.”

Kevin chuckled and sat on one of the chairs on the balcony. “Lord knows why, you look like…” He trailed off, making me look at him.

“Look like what?”

Kevin shook his head. “Never mind. Drink your coffee.”

I frowned. “Look like what, Kev?”

Green eyes met blue, and I froze at the look in them. I knew what was coming.

“You kinda look like Leslie.”

I sighed and looked down at the sand below, wishing I was running along it instead of standing beside Kevin.

“Sorry, bud.”

I shrugged my shoulders. “Whatever. When are you leaving? I wanna be alone.”

“I just ordered us a pizza. I thought we could watch the game.”

I snorted. “No thanks.”

“Bucs are playing.”

“I don’t care.” I took another mouthful of coffee and hissed when it burnt my tongue. “Just go.” I didn’t even glance at him as I walked back inside and through to the kitchen. I tipped the coffee from my mug down the drain before leaving it on the side.

“Wash that up, I just cleaned in here.”

I groaned and turned around. “Yes, MOM!” I rolled my eyes. “I’m an adult, Kevin. Not a baby!”

“So you keep saying, but you’re pushing everyone away like some child.” Kevin walked in and began washing my mug up, making me furious.

“GET OUT! Leave my fucking mug alone, leave me alone, FUCK OFF!” I glared at him as he slowly turned to look at me.

“Fine.” He slowly dried his hands before picking his keys up from the side. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I watched him leave, waiting until the door slammed shut before letting out the breath I’d been holding. “No you won’t.”