Hooters and Hearses

??:?? p.m.

It took about twenty minutes before the buzz kicked in and another fifteen before we were well on the way to smashed. Elvis had been packing million proof whiskey and a couple of other tasty concoctions I had never had before, courtesy of illegal moon shiners from Tennessee (or so Elvis said). The stuff kicked in way faster than any of the shitty mixed drinks at the clubs.

At one point the car had tipped sideways and we had almost been turned onto the roof. Lucky Mr. Magoo behind me was packing and the sight of the giant ass Civil War era gun had scared half the crazy fans shitless. By the time the alcohol really started to burn my stomach we were down to just a few diehards. Traffic was even starting to move, albeit slowly in the left lane next to me.

"I should go back to my car," AJ slurred as we watched a black hearse slide up next to us.

"You can't!" I screamed. I don't know why I screamed, but I did. "I have to protect you."

AJ snorted. He had pulled some shades out of his pocket and slid them on, no doubt to hide how red his eyes were. His eyes always got red when he drank. Which suddenly reminded me...

"You're not 'spose to drink!" I gasped. "I relapsed you."

"Little sister don't you do what your big sister does," Elvis crooned. He licked the rim of one of the bottles and I laughed. He had a little fat midget tongue.

"I think I love you."

That statement came from Lark. She rolled her head back and grinned at me. "You're a sign from God."

AJ snorted. "God broke the mold when Nick came out, that's fo' sho'."

"Shut up," I complained. "That's romantical."

Elvis whistled. "So are the tits on that brunette. Shake 'em 'cilla!"

The remaining fans had been giving us periodic peep shows. My hood was probably covered with wet panties. I began to laugh.

"What--what's so funny?" Lark asked.

I tried to tell her, but I just kept laughing.

"Do you think there's a body in there?"

The question came from AJ. He was eyeing the hearse, mesmerized. I swallowed another laugh.

"Prolly."

"I wanna see."

"No way, you sick freak."

"Just hit the locks."

"The fans will get me."

"They're all by your window. Just lemme run out. I'll distract them."

"Elvis is haunted by ghosts all the - hic! - time. Don't mess with the dead. Uh-huh-huh."

"Lemme out."

"Uh uh. Think life, not death."

"I wanna pay my respects."

"I want to kiss you."

My elbow hit the unlock without realizing it. Lark's big pouty lips were puckered and she was leaning in my direction. The door flew open and I heard a lot of squeaking and cursing before the door slammed shut. Even more screams rose up from the girls around the car. I relocked the doors just as one smart topless girl tried to yank my door open. AJ and mini Elvis had already escaped. I leaned forward, those lips in perfect view and went for it. After a moment of frenching her eyelid I hit my target.

I'm pretty sure I would have had her naked and panting and sexing if it wasn't for the mayhem that erupted about five minutes after the kiss began. Between the dead body flopping onto the Interstate and AJ getting taken for a ride in the rollaway hearse with Elvis hanging on for dear life underneath, everyone and everything around us went ape shit.

Leave it to AJ to cock block me and make it memorable.