The New Guy by freedomwriter
Past Featured StorySummary:

He watched the newcomer from a distance, and hated him instantly. He didn’t just dislike him, no, he hated him with his whole being.  Who'd ever thought the one you once hated, would be the one thing you would be missing dearly some day?

a story about friendship, betrayal, forgiveness and saying goodbye. About Kamille tea, an interesting fear of elevators and what actually means to be a brother.


Categories: Fanfiction > Backstreet Boys Characters: Brian, Nick
Genres: Angst, Drama
Warnings: None
Challenges:
Series: None
Chapters: 63 Completed: No Word count: 96197 Read: 122954 Published: 02/11/13 Updated: 06/20/16

1. 1. In the beginning by freedomwriter

2. 2. Failed Promises by freedomwriter

3. 3. Part Of The Plan by freedomwriter

4. 4. Missing Conviction by freedomwriter

5. 5. Miracles Do Happen by freedomwriter

6. 6. Among The Stars by freedomwriter

7. 7. Battlesong by freedomwriter

8. 8. Greater Than Sex by freedomwriter

9. 9. Prospection Abroad by freedomwriter

10. 10. Call Guy by freedomwriter

11. 11. Repositions by freedomwriter

12. 12. Camille Tea by freedomwriter

13. 13. Stand By You by freedomwriter

14. 14. Black Mind by freedomwriter

15. 15. The Good Life by freedomwriter

16. 16. Better by freedomwriter

17. 17. What Once Was Lost by freedomwriter

18. 18. Breaking Bald by freedomwriter

19. 19. Trouble in Paradise by freedomwriter

20. 20. Repeating History by freedomwriter

21. 21. Still Alright by freedomwriter

22. 22. Monkey Pets by freedomwriter

23. 23. Cut Out by freedomwriter

24. 24. Give In To Guilt by freedomwriter

25. 25. One Step Closer by freedomwriter

26. 26. Come Alive by freedomwriter

27. 27. Communication Skills by freedomwriter

28. 28. Escape Of The Century by freedomwriter

29. 29. Happy Family by freedomwriter

30. 30. Tense Talk by freedomwriter

31. 31. Somewhere To Belong by freedomwriter

32. 32. Seeking What Was Lost by freedomwriter

33. 33. Short Leash by freedomwriter

34. 34. Just For You by freedomwriter

35. 35. Always An Eternity Away by freedomwriter

36. 36. Selfishly by freedomwriter

37. 37. Entirely Nothing by freedomwriter

38. 38. Fallen Renegade by freedomwriter

39. 39. Surprise Destination by freedomwriter

40. 40. Someday Maybe by freedomwriter

41. 41. Kill It With Fire by freedomwriter

42. 42. Long Way Down by freedomwriter

43. 43. If Only Truth Would Conquer by freedomwriter

44. 44. The Final Verdict by freedomwriter

45. 45. Leave The Light On by freedomwriter

46. 46. Room With A View by freedomwriter

47. 47. Eye Of The Storm by freedomwriter

48. 48. Crawl In The Dark by freedomwriter

49. 49. Can You See Me? by freedomwriter

50. 50. A Small Crime by freedomwriter

51. 51. Man Down by freedomwriter

52. 52. When Frick Met Frack (1) by freedomwriter

53. 53. Wish You Well (2) by freedomwriter

54. 54. How To Save A Life (3) by freedomwriter

55. 55. The Weight Of The World by freedomwriter

56. 56. Duck And Run by freedomwriter

57. 57. Embrace Me by freedomwriter

58. 58. Rock The Boat by freedomwriter

59. 59. Regrets and the Sorts by freedomwriter

60. 60. Alright by freedomwriter

61. 61. Fixing It by freedomwriter

62. 62. Don't Say It by freedomwriter

63. 63. Blink by freedomwriter

1. In the beginning by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

might be a little confusing in the beginning

April 1993

He watched the newcomer from a distance, and hated him instantly. He didn’t just dislike him, no, he hated him with his whole being. It didn’t make much sense. The new one hadn’t given him any reason to hate him. But he was only thirteen, he didn’t need reasons to hate someone.  And  as everyone else joined in to welcome the guy into the group, Nick stayed behind, watching, just waiting for the newcomer to make a mistake, to give Nick a reason to hate him even more. He knew he was being a brat, he could tell by Howie’s dirty looks towards him that told him to suck it up and deal with it. Howie knew about his hatred, but didn’t share it, which pissed off Nick even more. He had never understood why they needed five people in this group, had thought four was enough, hell, he’d even thought three was enough, but their manager didn’t agree.

Kevin had come first, invading their tight group of three, and Nick just couldn’t hate him. He was everything Nick had ever wanted to be. The guy was independent, working as a performer at Disneyland, ready to make his dreams come true. He was a hard worker, a decent singer and he fitted in the group perfectly. It also helped that he used to be a quarterback in High School, dating the hottest cheerleaders, which made his image of the ‘cool guy’ even more perfect. Nick wanted to be a quarterback, but his scrawny little ass would probably never fit into a football team.

No, Kevin was cool, too cool to argue with, which led to Nick accepting him almost immediately from the moment he came in to audition. They had decided unanimously that Kevin would be their bass, which made AJ very happy, cause he hated being the bass. They had first assigned AJ to the task, cause Howie was lead, and had never been bass before, and Nick’s voice hadn’t changed enough to be anything but falsetto. It had been perfect. Just the four of them, everyone had their own place, and no one felt left out. Kevin hadn’t complained at all about being the bass, actually said it was pretty ‘cool’. Kevin was a good guy, as far as Nick was concerned, he didn’t hate the fact that Kevin was in the band, he loved it. He did, however, hate the fact that Kevin had a younger cousin who supposedly also deserved a position in their band.

It wasn’t Kevin’s fault. Lou had asked him if he knew anyone else who’d fit in a boy band and Nick had laughed his ass off at Kevin’s reaction. The older man didn’t think the word ‘boy band’ was appropriate, in fact, he didn’t think it was ‘cool’ to be in a boy band. No, they weren’t a boy band, Kevin made that very clear that day. They were a ‘vocal harmonizing’ group, because Kevin was not gay, so he didn’t belong in a boy band. Nick thought that Kevin’s argumentation was good enough and agreed fully. So did the others. But that what was walking into Lou’s apartment right now could only be described as the biggest nerd Nick had ever seen in his life.

 

22 years later: September 2015

He watched the newcomer from a distance, and hated him instantly. He didn’t just dislike him, no, he hated him with his whole being. It didn’t make much sense. The new one hadn’t given him any reason to hate him. But he wasn’t Brian. He would never be Brian. And that was reason enough.

End Notes:

if you find the time, please review, and I will continue the story :D

2. Failed Promises by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

hope you like it, please review, then I'll be certain to continue

  1. Failed promises.

April 1993

Kevin had promised him. It wasn’t fair. Nick was young, and when you were young, promises meant a lot. Kevin had promised him that Nick would like The New Guy. Had said The New Guy was just like Nick. Well, if that were true, Nick desperately needed to change. What a dork! Of course, Nick realised now, that Kevin had probably only said those things to make Nick a little more approving towards the new edition to the group.

“And the silent kid brooding over there is Nick, who normally isn’t so quiet,’’ he heard AJ sneer and instantly hated AJ too. The idiot was only two years older than Nick, but by the way he talked or looked, you would say he’d had years of experience. AJ liked to brag about everything. Whenever you came with a supercool story, Alexander would always know a better and bigger story and then he’d steal away your moment of glory. Nick knew Alex had recently changed his name into AJ, but he kept calling him Alex, cause he knew that was the only thing that would piss the guy off.

Nick didn’t respond to AJs calling and he prided himself for not lashing out at him. Instead he kept his head down and held his breath. He felt the stares from the other three, and The New Guy, drilling through his back. He knew New Guy’s name very well, but refused to acknowledge it, and he would continue to do so until New Guy would go away. Ha, right! If only that would happen… Finally he looked up, but only because he knew his mom would kill him if she knew how he was behaving. Luckily his mom wasn’t there, but that wouldn’t stop Alex from telling her all about his meeting with New Guy, and Nick would be grounded ‘til next week. All because of New Guy. Great. New Guy hadn’t even said a word and Nick already hated him more than he had thought possible.

                As he scrutinized New Guy, he could tell New Guy was doing the same to him. Nick didn’t care about what New Guy was thinking about him, cause Nick belonged in this group and New Guy didn’t. Four is more than enough for this group and this guy is my prove. He didn’t want New Guy to have a reason to stay and he would do anything in his power to make sure New Guy would regret he ever tried to be in their band.

 

                September 2015

Kevin had promised him. It wasn’t fair. Kevin had promised him that it would be alright and Nick had felt like he was thirteen again. Kevin had often promised him it would be alright throughout Nick’s whole life, and he had believed the oldest Backstreet Boy every single time. But this wasn’t alright. Nick didn’t like strangers, he would admit that much. He had been awfully mean towards new people his entire life. But this was different. The guy on stage reminded him so much of another certain New Guy, that it hurt. And the worst thing was, everyone else seemed to love him. He couldn’t really put a finger on why he hated the guy. But he wasn’t Brian. He would never be Brian. And that was reason enough.

End Notes:

whahappen?

3. Part Of The Plan by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

please review and I'll continue! thanks!

  1. Part Of The Plan

 

April 1993

 

                We will be legends once,

                We will call ourselves big stars,

                We will be legends once,

                But without you, I won’t make it that far.

 

He had thought about it for a long time, but still couldn’t figure for the life of him why he needed to do this, as he stared at the newcomer. He was scrawny and short and if Nick didn’t know any better, he’d say the kid was younger than AJ. No way he’s eighteen. But Nick did know better. He’d been interrogating Kevin the entire day before New Guy had shown up. The information had given Nick a pretty good picture of the fact that New Guy shouldn’t be in their band. The only musical experience New Guy had seemed to consist out of church and school plays. He hadn’t been working his ass off at Disney, like Kevin, neither had he sauntered from audition to audition, from talent show to talent show to get even the littlest bit of recognition, like Nick, AJ and Howie had. The kid didn’t have a right to be in this group of awesome people, and that was final.

Why am I even getting so worked up? The guy probably sings like shit, and once everyone’s heard him, we can vote him out. But he knew that was not gonna happen. He knew New Guy already auditioned on the phone and Lou had been ecstatic. Nick had never seen him like that, all happy and bubbly, claiming that he had finally put together the ultimate boy band, which resulted into Kevin arguing they were a vocal harmonizing group again. Nick didn’t want them to be called a boy band either, but he found Kevin’s term a little hard to remember, so from that moment on he decided he would call them a ‘man’ band, which sounded so much cooler. You needed to sound cool to be in their band…

“Hey y’all, I’m Brian, how’re y’all doing? Y’all doing awight?” which totally sounded not cool.

New Guy had probably figured out that Nick was not going to make a first move and stretched out his hand towards Nick. Nick could only do his best to keep his laughter in as he saw AJ cracking up behind New Guy’s back. He's got the thickest accent known to men!  But when he made eye contact with Alex he couldn’t help himself anymore and snorted. New Guy’s goofy smile faltered and he let his arm fall back at his side again.  He frowned and looked uneasily from Nick to AJ, back to Nick with a confused expression on his face. Nick watched with a wicked grin as New Guy’s shoulders slumped and he turned around, to where Kevin and Lou were waiting for them. That’s it, just crawl back to whichever Kentucky farm you came from, freak, Nick though, his mind filled with hatred. He’d noticed New Guy was blond, blue-eyed and short, just like Nick, and he would make sure those were the only resemblances the two of them shared. Besides, the school doctor had promised he’d grow very tall once he would reach puberty. Nick didn’t mind, as long as he was taller than New Guy. He watched with malignant satisfaction as New Guy didn’t even bother to look in his direction anymore for the rest of the day. Today was ‘getting to know each other’ day. And as far as Nick was considered, they were doing hell of a good job so far. Tomorrow they would all go to their makeshift studio to sing together as a group of five for the first time. Tomorrow New Guy would have to audition. Tomorrow New Guy would be weighted and he would be found too light. Nick smiled to himself, part one of the plan had been successful.

 

September 2015

 

We were legends once,

We used to call ourselves big stars,

We were legends once,

But without you, I wouldn’t have come that far.

 

He had thought about it for a long time, but still couldn’t figure for the life of him why he needed to do this, as he stared at the newcomer. It had only been a year… After that afternoon in 1993, he’d never thought that he’d have to welcome another New Guy into their band. The longer he thought about it, the more absurd it seemed. Here they were, having auditions for a new fifth member, while they shouldn’t even been trying anymore. Up ‘til this point, he had denied every single guy auditioning, just because of one reason. It wasn’t Brian, it would never be Brian. That was reason enough.

End Notes:

Oh stop it Nick!

4. Missing Conviction by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

i hope i can get to the point some time soon...

  1. Missing Conviction

                April 1993

“Look, Nicky, I know you don’t like him, but you haven’t even given him a chance.” Howie looked pissed. Nick had spent the entire day deliberately ignoring New Guy. It was becoming a little embarrassing. And it was only the first day.

“I don’t need to give him a chance, he’s not getting in our band!” Nick yelled. They were in Howie’s apartment and it was pretty obvious he shouldn’t have brought Nick there. The place was going to be a mess in no time.

“I hardly think that’s up to you! Why won’t you just give him a shot? I think he’s nice enough and Kevin says he’s a good singer.’’

“He’s a dork Howie, have you even heard him talk? It sounds stupid,” Nick was cranky, he knew that. All day long they had shown New Guy around in Orlando. The kid had watched everything with wide eyes, which made Nick guess he hadn’t ever seen the outside of Kentucky.

“You’re being ridiculously childish Nick! We can’t just throw him out because of the way he talks! He’s from Kentucky, of course he has an accent!’’

“Yeah well, Kevin’s from Kentucky too! And he dan’t taik laike tis!” Nick hadn’t really wanted to argue with Howie. Howie was nice and awesome. Out of the four of them, he had the best sense of humour.

“Kevin’s been in Orlando for three years. Brian’s accent will fade in time too.”

“It’s not just the accent, Howie. It’s everything! He doesn’t belong in a band!’’

“Because you say so?”

“I’m part of the group as well, so I get a say so,” Nick yelled. It wasn’t fair. He hated the New Guy, so why did the rest like him?

“Jesus, Nick, don’t be so selfish. You got a chance to be in this band, and so does Brian!”

“But we don’t need him! We were perfect as just four! Why do we even bother looking for a fifth member?”

“Aha, so this isn’t really about Brian at all, is it? You just don’t want any more members in the group, no matter who shows up,” Howie was looking disapprovingly at him.

“Why can’t we just be a group of four?” Nick asked softly.

“Because Lou wants five. You know that. He’s the one who asked Kevin if he knew anyone else to be a part of the group. It’s not Brian’s fault that Kevin called him. You just need to give him a chance. Look at it from his point of view, he doesn’t know anyone here, except Kevin. Do you know what it must be like for him when you won’t even talk to him? Now he must be feeling unwanted” Howie was right, Howie was always right. But that didn’t mean Nick agreed with it. Good, let him feel unwanted, cause that’s what he is.

“Well, he won’t be here long enough anyway. Tomorrow’s auditions,’’ Nick purred. And I am going to kick him out.

“I’m sure he’ll be great. You’ve heard Lou, he says Brian’s a good singer,’’ Howie was nice, too nice. It didn’t matter if New Guy was a good singer, cause he’d never be good enough. Besides, it wasn’t like he was Freddie Mercury or something, right? I sure hope not.

 

September 2015

“Look, Nicky, I know you don’t like him, but you haven’t even given him a chance.” Howie looked pissed. Howie always looked pissed these days. It seemed like there was nothing left of nice and peaceful Howard Dorough. His great sense of humour had been replaced by a stoic sadness that had completely taken over the whole group. The only jokes that were cracked were lame ones and the only pranks that were pulled were James’ and Mason’s. Howie’s son was six and didn’t really have any trouble to keep up with Kevin’s eight year old. The two kids were inseparable and it hurt Nick to watch them make a mess everywhere they went. It brought up memories he wanted to forget, like they never happened. He wanted to pretend he hadn’t lived the life he’d lived, but at the same time he wanted to remember every single detail, like that would bring everything back like it was, like it should be.

“I don’t need to give him a chance, cause he’s not getting in our band,’’ Nick spoke quietly, as to not tick Howie off. He’d been forced to walk on eggshells around the others lately, everyone getting angry in a heartbeat it seemed. The deja-vu of the conversation wasn’t getting through to them. But it didn’t matter what Howie had to say to him, Nick wouldn’t change his mind, just like he hadn’t listened to his friend all those years ago.

But this time was different, this time he wouldn’t get convinced. This time he just wanted to be left alone, he wanted to quit, go home and stay there. And if it had ever been over, it had never been this over. He wouldn’t accept anyone in the band anymore, because he wasn’t in the band anymore. Nobody knew of Nick’s plans to quit yet, but Nick was sure they would understand. They had to. Nick was convinced he had a good reason to quit, because of the reason why they even needed a New Guy. He thought the others would feel the same as him, but apparently they didn’t. It didn’t matter anyway. Go on, have a New Guy, he thought moodily. Have two New Guys… they wouldn’t be Brian, they would never be Brian, and that was reason enough. 

5. Miracles Do Happen by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

if you can tell the difference between this chapter and the others, comment!

April 1993

“Unbelievable, it’s only his first day, and he’s already late!” Nick grinned despite his remark. The day had started out great, without him having to do anything about it. They had all been called to the studio early, and New Guy and Kevin were nowhere to be found. Nick thought it was downward priceless.

“I know right? It’s like having a second Nick Carter!” AJ exclaimed and everybody laughed. Nick’s eyes narrowed at him and his grin fell from his face.

“I’ll have you know that I was right on time this morning,” he commented.

“So miracles do happen!” discussing with AJ didn’t make much sense and Nick didn’t want to be the subject. They needed to get back to New Guy.

“Well, I’ve had so much fun with the two of you, I must go and call Kevin now, however,” Howie stated, who was sitting next to AJ on the couch. He stood up and left the room. Nick and AJ stayed behind. They could see Lou pacing the other room nervously through the glass window. Nick figured now was the perfect time to ask.

“Hey Alex, can I ask you something?” He scooted closer to AJ, his eyes big.

“Umm okay, yeah, sure,” AJ frowned. What does he want from me?

“What do you think about that New Guy?” Nick’s eyes never left AJ’s face.

“I don’t know, I mean, I don’t know him that well, but he seems alright,” AJ responded uncomfortably.

That was clearly not the answer Nick had been hoping for and he frowned deeply.

“Don’t you think he’s a little… uhh…. Weird?”

“Maybe, but so are you, shorty!” AJ laughed and Nick glared at him. He was so sick of being compared to New Guy.

“I’m not weird! That New Guy is! He talks like a nerd!”

“I know, I know. I think it’s funny. He’s a funny guy, you’ll like him too, I’m sure you will.”

“No, I won’t,” Nick said, crossing his arms, “Hey y’all, I’m Nickoolas, How’re y’all doin? Y’all doin awight?” He overdid the accent maybe a little bit, but it sent AJ right into a fit of laughter. At that point the door had opened and the person they’d been making fun of had come in. He must have heard Nick’s comment, cause his ever present goofy grin faded and he glared at the two of them.

“Nice,” Nick heard him mumble quietly. The young man turned around without giving them another look and left the room with his head hung low. Nick scoffed and smiled. He knew he should feel bad for what he did, but he couldn’t.

“I bet he’s gonna tell Kevin about it, what a wuss,” Nick said and he looked at AJ for approval. The older member was looking angrily at him.

“What?”

“You’re an ass, Nick,” AJ declared.

“What, you thought it was funny!” Nick said, offended.

“Whatever. He really doesn’t deserve the crap you’re giving him, you know.” AJ responded and stood up.

“Where’re going?” Nick asked, still on the couch.

“We’ve got work to do, whether you like it or not. Kevin and Brian are here now, so we get to start singing.”

Nick didn’t really want to go if New Guy would be there too, but he loved singing, so he hopped of the couch and ran after AJ, trying to keep up with the taller boy as they trudged through the endless halls of the studio. Nick loved the studio, it was his new favourite place in the whole world, right after his bed.

“Ah, right, there you are. We were waiting for you guys,” Kevin said as the two youngest members came in.

“Oh that’s funny, cause we weren’t the ones being late this morning,” Nick responded glaring at New Guy. He couldn’t glare at Kevin, cause Kevin was too cool to be glared at. New Guy did his very best to pretend like he hadn’t heard Nick.

“What, were you too scared to come today?” Nick spoke. The room went quiet. Nick hadn’t attacked New Guy this directly before and everyone stared at the two apprehensively.

When New Guy didn’t react in any other way than staring furiously at Nick, his nostrils flaring, Nick turned towards the others, disappointed.

“Well, let’s go in then, get this over with,” he said.

They weren’t off to a very good start, Nick realized, but he had never meant to get off a good start anyway. He hated the guy, so what did it matter if the guy hated him too? Nick smiled as he stepped into the sound booth, seeing New Guy trailing behind. Well, go on in, let me see what you can do, cause you’ll never be good enough to be in our band, he thought and prayed to God he was right.

 

 

August 2015

“I can’t believe they are going to replace him!’’ Nick yelled furiously, “They can’t replace him! He’s not just some dog you can… you know… replace!

Lauren watched him worriedly. He had been like this for most of the year. Once the shock and denial had been taken over by the untameable anger, she had been unable to get a grip on his crashing downfall. She gently put a hand on his waist and let him to the couch.

“What’s wrong honey?”

“I already fucking told you! They’re gonna replace my best friend! Why?”

Lauren sighed, they’d had this conversation more than once, but she never seemed to get through to her boyfriend.

“Maybe because they’re ready to move on,” she tried softly. It didn’t help. Nick looked at her and she could clearly see the fire in his eyes, burning his soul, burning everything that made him her Nick. How did it ever come this far?

“We don’t fucking need to move on! We need Brian back, goddamnit!” Nick cried out and he broke down, sobbing in her arms, his head pressed against her chest. She wrapped her arms around him gently and put her head on top of his.

“He won’t come back sweetheart, he can’t,” she told him sadly.

“Why not? This is so unfair!”

“I wish I knew baby, I wish I knew,” she said and rocked him softly. Nick felt like he was thirteen again. But he didn’t have a fiancée to embrace him then. He’d only had a big brother. A big brother who would do anything for Nick, and Nick would do anything for him. That was what family was for. And now it was over. It had been over before, but it had never been this over. They didn’t need another New Guy, they needed Brian, only Brian. Only then everything would be awight. 

6. Among The Stars by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

the plot thickens. (a little)

please review, if you're still interested.

  1. Among The Stars

April 1993

To say Nick was pissed would be an understatement. He was angry, furious, and he felt like he was about to explode in a few seconds. He’d been forced to listen to New Guy sing and he’d realized that there would be no way in hell he’d be able to vote the guy out. Everyone looked like they were gonna piss themselves with excitement, especially Lou, and Lou was boss. And if that wasn’t enough, the fact that New Guy was exactly in Nicks range of singing, was. Why couldn’t he be bass, like Kevin and AJ? Why couldn’t he go bother Howie with a really high voice? Why did he have to be tenor, like Nick? Nick prayed with all his might that, once his voice had changed, he’d be something else than tenor. He watched sulkily as the others praised New Guy to heaven. Nick felt left out, as he refused to stand with the others.

It wasn’t even fair. Nick had worked so hard to be able to sing like he did, his entire life. He’d had singing classes when he’d been just five years old.  He knew the others had too, but not New Guy. He could tell by the way the guy was singing that he hadn’t had any form of training. He lacked technique and stability, but it still sounded great. New Guy was a natural, and Nick hated naturals. He smiled to himself. The problem with naturals was that, because they hadn’t ever learned a proper technique, their voices would ultimately begin to fail them. Nick would like to see that happen. It would shut New Guy up for good, better sooner than later.

“Nick, we really don’t need your sulking head in here, if you’re going to keep glaring, you better step outside,” he heard Lou comment.

Nick made a great deal of staring at Lou, as if he were considering something, and then stepped out of the room. Just to prove my point. Nick knew the others were looking at each other, silently electing one of them to go and talk to Nicky. He had a feeling it would be Kevin.

“Oh I would just love to know what’s going on inside your head, little man,” he heard the oldest member growl.

“Oh, it’s nothing,” Nick really didn’t want to talk about it with New Guy’s cousin, cause he knew whose side Kevin would choose.

“Come on, you’ve been a pain in the ass ever since I even mentioned Brian to you guys, what’s your problem?”

“I don’t know…” Nick stretched, looking at the ground.

“You don’t really like new people, do you?” Kevin came right to the point. Very perceptive.

“I like you. It’s not just that he’s new. It’s…”

“What?”

“I don’t know…”

“Look, if you can’t even think of one single good reason not to like him, I don’t want to see you hating on him one more time, got it?”

“So he told you ‘bout what happened in the lounch room?” Nick asked innocently. I knew it! Too much of a pussy to go and solve his problems by himself.

Kevin’s eyes narrowed and he took a few seconds before he answered. “No.”

“Right!”

“What happened in the lounch room, Nick?” Kevin asked, staring into his face. Shit.

Nick opened his mouth, thought about it for a second and then he closed it again. “Nothing,’’ he answered, smiling sweetly.

“Ugh, grow up,’’ with that, Kevin left, turning around only once more. “Remember what I said, if you can’t be nice to him, then leave him alone.”

“Yes sir!”

Nick watched him leave, rolling his eyes. He knew now he had to live with the fact that New Guy was in their band, but that didn’t say he was gonna like it, or gonna give up without a fight.

 

September 2015

Nick watched the stars as they glittered thousands of miles above his head. He loved the stars, almost just as much as he loved the sea. The two concepts made him feel very small and insignificant, and he needed that. It kept him grounded, it kept him safe. He put an arm around Lauren and whispered something in her ear that made her smile.

“We would never make it,” she responded, still smiling.

“Why not? It’s worth a shot,” her boyfriend offered.

“We wouldn’t even get further than, what, maybe Jupiter?”

“Far enough. I just want to get out of here,” Nick muttered silently.

“You’re silly. We’re not astronauts, little goose,” she replied and put her head on his shoulder. Nick didn’t answer and watched the stars again instead. He sighed sadly. Lauren didn’t know how serious his offer had been. Of course he didn’t want to live among the stars, cause that would be silly. But lately he felt like he couldn’t breathe. He needed to get out, get away. Do something entirely different, only then maybe he could forget about everything. Only then maybe he could move on. But then again maybe it was too late to move on…

He was still thinking about it the next day as he drove to wherever he needed to be. He hadn’t bothered to check, his GPS would get him anywhere without question. Today would be the day. Today he would be free. If Kevin could do it, why can’t I?

7. Battlesong by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

actually uploaded things quick this time :D

  1. Battlesong

May 1993

Seaworld. They were going to be the greatest band in history and Seaworld was a good place to start. The greatest band without a name anyway. Together only for two weeks, Lou had come in one day to announce that he got them a gig. Nick had watched with a level of satisfaction how New Guy, who’d never performed for something other than his church or school, seemed to have a complete nervous breakdown. He’d wanted to ask why New Guy had even considered joining a band if he was too scared to perform, but had kept his mouth shut when he’d seen Kevin’s warning glare. He’d noticed that Kevin made a great deal of keeping an eye on Nick and New Guy, afraid they’d fight each other out of their skins. Nick assumed he was probably right. But when Kevin wasn’t looking, he’d make sure to make New Guy’s life to a living hell. He’d actually been surprised when New Guy, who he considered awfully mild mannered, had begun to fight back. It had gotten to a point they couldn’t even look at each other without saying something nasty. But it was always Nick that started it, and he was proud of that, it let him know that he was in charge.

Now the five of them were sitting on a bench on a market square, totally exhausted from rehearsing their performance over and over again, planning everything out into the smallest details so that nothing could go wrong. Nick had noticed that New Guy had refused any major leads, probably scared that he would shit his pants if he would have to sing solo. Some artist you are. Nick hadn’t wasted any chance on taking the parts instead and he felt considerably satisfied with what they had accomplished that day. There was only one problem: they didn’t have a name for their act. They had everything else, but that wouldn’t matter a damn thing if they couldn’t be announced as a group. They’d spent the rest of the afternoon wrecking their brains over possible names, but hadn’t gotten anywhere so far.

“What about ‘The Shoplifters’?” AJ suggested, his eyebrows raised.

“Why are you unable to come up with a name that doesn’t sound like we’re perverts or criminals… or both?” Howie replied.

“I haven’t actually heard you come up with anything, D.” Howie and AJ had known each other for years and they were always bickering, but they never seemed to mean a word of what they said to each other.

Nick had long since given up on his suggestions, as New Guy brusquely denied all of them. It sucked, they had agreed that the decision must be unanimous, so any suggestion Nick made, would be refused by New Guy. On the other side New Guy hadn’t even bothered making suggestion, cause he probably knew that Nick would reject them. Their stubbornness left the two out of the game and Nick watched sullenly as New Guy stared off in the distance. All hope was vested in Kevin now.

“Kev?” Howie asked in a begging tone. Kevin seemed lost in thought, not noticing anything around him, so he must be thinking of something good.

“How about ‘I have no freaking idea’?” he offered.

“No,” the other four said in unison and Kevin laughed.

“Seriously guys, don’t look at me, I’ve never been good with making up names and stuff.’’ Which left Kevin out of the game as well.

“What was it you were saying again, Alex?” Nick asked, out of options.

“’The Shoplifters’, and it’s AJ by the way, Nickolas,” AJ replied, sticking out his tongue.

“The Shoplifters’,” Nick repeated, nodding, “could work…”

“Ugh, don’t tell me you’re actually considering that,” Howie said, “it’s repulsive.”

“I know, but we’re kind of running out of other options here, and it’s the best one he’s suggested so far. Or do you want to go with ‘The Peeping Toms’?” Nick responded fiercely.

“Well no, but there’s gotta be something normal we can think of.”

“Such as?”

“What about Backstreet?” It seemed to get out of nowhere and Nick was about to automatically say no, when he heard New Guy open his mouth, but something made him stop. Instead he said: “What?”

“Backstreet,” New Guy repeated and he looked at Nick with his eyebrows high, daring him to reject. But Nick couldn’t and wouldn’t deny it, for it was absolutely brilliant, but he would never admit that. There was something missing though. Nick began to smile ecstatically, which made New Guy frown insecurely.

“Backstreet Boys,” Nick stretched the words, savouring the sound, loving every  single syllable of the name.

“Well done, boys, we’ve got ourselves a name!” Kevin exclaimed, standing up, he came to stand in front of the group.

“Anyone have an objection?” he questioned.

Everyone kept his mouth shut.

“Then it is settled, from now on, we shall be the Backstreet Boys, the greatest pop band of the 20th century!” Kevin spoke solemnly.

“Amen to that bro!” AJ yelled, high-fiving Howie.

Nick kept staring at New Guy, who kept staring at Nick, attempting a small smile at his younger band mate.

“Sounds like we’ve got ourselves a name,” New Guy said, his eyes never leaving Nick’s.

Nick didn’t answer. The “we” thing was bothering him. They were supposed to fight each other, not making up names together. Not actually working together. It wasn’t part of the plan. He suddenly realized what New Guy was trying to do. He’s offering a truce.

“We should go and celebrate,” New Guy stated, his gaze still fixated on Nick.

“Not if you’re gonna be there,” Nick responded and with that, he stood up, walking away.

“Yeah run off, you chicken shit!” New Guy called.

Nick smiled, his back facing the others. It was war again, and Nick wouldn’t have it any other way, cause he didn’t know how to handle peace with New Guy. He turned around briefly to give his offender the finger and finally walked away, satisfied.

 

September 2015

“You want what? Why?” Kevin exclaimed, his eyebrows furrowing together.

“You know why,” Nick said. Of all people, Kevin should be able to understand. He’d been the inventor of leaving in the first place.

“No I don’t, explain why,” Kevin challenged. Nick sighed, he really didn’t want to explain things to Kevin, or to anyone for that matter. He didn’t want to elaborate on stuff that was in the past, stuff he was trying to forget, trying to block out in more ways than just one.

“I just feel like I’ve closed the chapter of boy bands,” he replied and flinched, he knew Kevin still despised the term ‘boy band’.

“So what? You’re going solo?” Kevin asked disbelievingly.

“No. Look, I’m just tired of all this shit, okay? I just need to do something different for a while, need to get out of this business.” The words sounded familiar, they were similar to the ones Kevin had said so many years ago, but used in an entire different situation.

“Nick listen, I know how you feel, okay? We all feel that way. It may seem useless now, but I promise it will get better, alright?”

“Don’t make promises Kevin. You know they won’t come true.”

“Just give it some time Nicky, it will get better, I’m sure.”

“No Kev! It won’t get better and it won’t be alright. Everything is so fucked up, why can’t you see that, damnit!”

“You don’t think I see that? He was my cousin, Nickolas, my family!”

“I know… I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. It’s alright to be upset, and maybe you’re right. Maybe we’re looking for replacement too early, but I don’t know what else to do.”

“It’s only been a year Kev. And how can we ever find proper replacement? He’ll never be good enough,” Nick tried sullenly.

Kevin smiled sadly. “You said that about Brian once too, remember?”

“That was different.”

“Yeah… you two were at it the hard way…” Kevin was still smiling, lost in a faint memory of a time when everything was indeed alright.

“We got over it,” Nick replied quietly.

“Thank God you did, cause there were times I was scared that we needed to break up before we had even started,” Kevin said jokingly. Nick was smiling now too, all the anger evaporating, replaced by the dark tiredness that never seemed to go away.

“You wouldn’t have let it come that far.”

“Maybe not. I don’t know and I’m glad I didn’t have to find out.”

“You’re welcome,” Nick laughed softly as Kevin smacked him on his head.

“Look, I just think it’s time to move on. Time to… you know…” Kevin whispered and Nick closed his eyes.

“No… say it…” the younger man choked out.

“… let go…”

 

End Notes:

thanks for reading, please review!

8. Greater Than Sex by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

ah yes, finally got around to update. Please review for more updates :P

  1. 1.       Greater Than Sex

May 1993

It wasn’t like he hadn’t been at SeaWorld before. He used to go there every year on Easter. He’d never have to perform at SeaWorld though. He felt his heart hammering in his throat as they waited impatiently for their turn. Sure, he’d been excited before, but never like this. This was going to be their big break, they were gonna be popstars, they were going to be famous, they were the greatest five in the world, they were…

 “Oh my God! I can’t do this!” the greatest four in the world.

Nick rolled his eyes and tried to concentrate on the three men in front of him, while ignoring the crouching figure to his left.

“Well, you don’t have to go on, we can do this as four you know,” he mumbled through clenched teeth.

“Oh yes, you would surely like that, wouldn’t you!” New Guy lashed out. Apparently anxiety gave him more volume. Good to know.

“Why did you join the group if you’re too scared to be on stage then?” Nick replied hatefully.

“To go and annoy the crap outta you!” It was New Guy’s standard answer, because it wasn’t the first time Nick asked the question.

“Boys, be nice!” AJ growled. Nick smiled as he saw the boy bite his nails anxiously. Everyone was scared, that was obvious and he sighed in relief. At least I’m not the only one then.

“Yes Alex, sir!” he saluted and AJ laughed.

“It’s AJ for you, young man!” he demanded.

“Yes Al…, errh, I mean AJ sir!” They both erupted in a bolt of laughter. Goofing off was their way of releasing the tension they felt. They’d always done it, as long as he’d known AJ, which was over a year now. On his left, Nick felt New Guys angry glare upon him and AJ, but chose to ignore the Southerner. That was what he did most of the time anyway. It was nice to pretend there were still only four people in the band and somewhere inside him, there was a little bit of hope left that if only he waited long enough, New Guy would go away by himself. It also helped that New Guy seemed to hate him just as much now, so they were usually ignoring each other. AJ didn’t belong to the ignoring union though.

“Hey B-Rok, what’s the glare for?” the scrawny 15 year old asked and Nick sighed exasperated. New Guy had only been there for two weeks and they already had a cool nickname for him. Nick didn’t have a cool nickname, and he thought, of all people, he’d deserve a cool nickname. Kevin called him Chaos sometimes, but Nick considered that as an insult, rather than a nickname. So he started to call Kevin Train, for no matter what you did, proposed or invented, Kevin would always come around and thunder over everything, just like a train. He was too cool to take Nick seriously though, which destroyed half the fun of course. AJ had declared himself as Bone, for obvious reasons. He had a nasty obsession over skulls and was terribly skimpy by nature. Bone suited him. Much unlike New Guy’s name. Nick had never bothered to ask, but he assumed B-Rok had something to do with Rock’n’Roll, and as he looked at the pale and shaky guy that stood next to him now, he didn’t know how AJ had ever even come up with the name.

Before New Guy could think of an excuse for his angry stare, a crew member came up to the group.

“Four minutes, guys, are you ready?” Nick nodded and saw New Guys eyes get big as he swallowed difficultly. How cool would it be if he fainted, Nick wondered and smiled to himself. His mind on pure evil mode, he pushed New Guy to the ground. The blond fell on his bum and Nick saw the fire explode in his blue eyes. Shit. Nick suddenly realized that, if New Guy was really the ‘funny’ guy AJ claimed him to be, this wasn’t the best time to find out. He had about three seconds to plan an escape, before he felt his feet being pulled from underneath him. Losing his balance immediately, he crashed to the ground on his ass, right next to New Guy. He could hear AJs roaring laughter somewhere above him and realized just how funny the two of them must look. Nick smiled sweetly at the tormented guy next to him, who was looking like he was going to fulminate right in front of him, as he stared at Nick with his arms crossed and his jaw clenched.

“Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to push you, I just lost my momentum or something like that,” he stated innocently. They both knew it was a lie, just like Nick intended to.

“My butt hurts,” was all New Guy said, before standing up stiffly.

“Guys, you’re on in twenty seconds!” the crew member came into view again as Nick too stood up, rubbing his behind grimacing.

“Let’s do this,” he heard New Guy grumble and looked at him in surprise. All the tension had vanished from the boy’s face, replaced by a stern determination, probably coming from the anger burning in his veins.

The show was great, the most exciting feeling Nick had felt in his whole life. This was what he was made for, this was his calling. If he’d known what sex felt like, he’d say it felt greater than sex.

High on adrenaline, he heard New Guy sing the only solo he hadn’t been able to turn down, and could easily feel the emotion New Guy was pouring into it. It sounded awesome and Nick smiled at Brian, then realized he hated the guy, and went on ignoring New Guy again.

 

September 2015

“Who do you think you are, you can’t leave!” Howie glared at him. Over the years, after everything that had happened, there was nothing left of Sweet D.

“Why not? Kevin left once too, remember?” Nick shouted a little louder than he had intended.

“That was an entire different situation!” Howie yelled back and Nick scoffed. Once he had mentioned his departure, the meeting he’d called had soon turned into a shouting match.

“Right! What about Brian? He left!” He knew he was going too far, that he’d hit a sensitive spot. But right at that point, he couldn’t care less.

“Don’t you say that! Brian didn’t have a choice!” Howie said, a little more insecure this time.

“Yeah, cause we forced him to leave!” Nick yelled, if he wanted to destroy Howie’s defences, he didn’t have to go much further.

“Shut up Nick!” Howard yelled, which only fuelled Nick’s anger more. All his life he’d been told to shut up once the other didn’t know what to say anymore. Not that they’d ever listened to him anyway.

“No, you shut up! Don’t pretend like you’ve ever even tried to contact him! Or have you already declared him dead?” It was the final blow, and a heavy one. He watched satisfied as Howie began to shut down. A darkness took over his brown eyes and he shrunk back in his chair. AJ saw it too and frowned angrily at Nick. Of course, after all these years, AJ was still sticking up for Howard like he used to.

“Yeah? Well, what about you, huh? When was the last time you spoke to Brian?”

 Nick stared at AJ for a long time and finally sighed, defeated.

“I dunno. He’s mad at me.”

“I know, he’s mad at all of us, and he has a good reason. But so did we.”

Nick didn’t respond, he knew AJ was right, but that didn’t mean their situation didn’t still suck.

“Okay, is it settled then?” Kevin asked, who hadn’t said a word since the meeting started, he’d just sat back and observed, like he’d often done in the past. Only when the situation escalated, he was there to prevent the worse. But there was only so much he could prevent.

“What’s settled?” Howie and Nick asked in unison.

“Nick’s not leaving the band, cause if we lose one more member, there’s gonna be nothing left,” Kevin explained.

Nick, about to protest, thought about it for a moment instead and finally spoke up, “Okay, I won’t leave, but,” he stretched and looked his bandmates purposely in the eyes, “we’re not getting a new guy, cause I find that rather disrespectful.”

He could see the other guys clenching their jaws, thinking hard to come up with a solution that would make all of them happy.

“I don’t know…” AJ mumbled.

“Come on! We didn’t replace Kevin!” Nick exclaimed, waving his hand at the oldest member.

“That’s because we always knew Kevin would come back one day. We just have to face it. Brian’s never coming back,” Howie said softly. The room went quiet. Howie had spoken a truth all of them liked to ignore. Saying it out loud made it all the more… true.

“You think I don’t know that?” Nick said finally, “All I ask is that we give him some respect and leave his spot empty. Forever.” 

End Notes:

finally feel like we're getting somewhere? I know I do...

9. Prospection Abroad by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

I'm sorry for the missing 2015 part, but I felt like the two fragments were getting too big this time and deserved their own chapter for once...

enjoy anyway...

  1. Prospection Abroad

July 1993

So SeaWorld hadn’t been their big break. It hadn’t even been a small break. In fact, SeaWorld hadn’t broken anything for that matter.  Nick didn’t understand it. Had they been doing something wrong perhaps? If so, he blamed New Guy.

Now, they had gotten the terribly ungrateful task of sauntering from high school to high school to spread their music. Nick thought it was horrible. They didn’t get paid, they didn’t get recognition, they only got booed off of the stage. It went on and on and Kevin had gotten so fed up with it that he decided they should do acapella before even entering the stage. It had been clearly his best idea since joining the group. Kevin was full of good ideas since joining the group, that is, if you didn’t count the fact he called New Guy into the band anyway. Singing acapella proved its work and they didn’t get booed anymore. Still, Nick didn’t like going to the schools. Those kids weren’t waiting for a group of goofballs to go and sing. There was no joy, no excitement, no love lost on the group of five. Not like Nick had dreamt about for so many years anyway. He blamed New Guy.

To keep things rolling, Lou had promised the quintet that he had some very close friends in Sweden, and they were producers. Maybe they could help them get a record deal. Why they needed to go all the way to Sweden to get a deal was beyond Nick, but he did know that Sweden was kind of on the other side of the world, and the only way they could get there, would be by plane.

God, I hate airplanes.

He had tried to tell them that, but everyone was too excited to pay him any mind. Howie claimed he’d been to Europe once, and that it was awesome. He’d never been past London though, and when asked if Sweden would be anything like London, he’d answered, ‘’Do I look like I know?’’

Standing in the middle of the airport now, all on his own, he regretted ever agreeing on Sweden. He was lost, he knew that much, which was quite surprising, seeing as they had been a large group of people. Kevin had been there. Kevin was a tall guy, almost impossible to lose sight of. Nick had managed to do so though. AJ had been there. AJ was a loud guy, almost impossible to drown out. Nick had managed to do so though. Howie had been there. Howie was a clingy guy, almost impossible to get rid of. Nick had managed to do so though. New Guy had been there. New Guy was an annoying guy, easily possible to ignore. Nick had managed to do so obviously. His mother had been there. Jane Carter was even worse than Howie, clutching her son tight to her so he wouldn’t lose her. Nick had managed to do so though. AJs mom had been there. She was even louder than her son, but Nick had ignored her just as easily as he ignored New Guy. He had a talent for ignoring, especially mothers. He didn’t really know why they needed to come with them. Well, he did know why, but considered it a stupid reason. AJ and he were old enough to travel by themselves, thank you very much!

Right now, he wouldn’t mind his mother being there though. He anxiously looked around, searching, waiting for a sign that told him where to go. Orlando Airport was too big, and he was too short to see anything over the heads of the thousands of people that were there. He truly was all on his own. He blamed New Guy.

But it couldn’t really be anyone’s fault, but his own, he knew that very well. He had been feeling nauseous all day, suspecting it had something to do with the prospection of being on a plane, but claiming he’d eaten bad sushi the evening before. He’d been looking pale for a good part of the day and when Kevin asked if he was feeling okay, he told him he needed to go to the toilet. So he did. Maybe it had been a bad idea to go and puke right before boarding time, but he couldn’t help himself. When he came back, shaking and coughing, the place was crowded with people, like the airport had suddenly turned into an anthill, and he couldn’t remember for the life of him where the gate was where they’d been standing at only five minutes before. Or was it ten minutes?

God, this sucked, this sucked so bad. He felt like screaming. Didn’t anyone see him? Didn’t he look like a little kid in distress? He had tried several times to ask the rushing crowd if they knew what gate he should be at, but they either shrugged or didn’t respond at all. And now, as the crowd seemed to evaporate somewhat, he could see that the worse had happened. Gate 34 to 38 were closed. He felt like Little Kevin in the Home Alone movies he’d seen the year before.

 He’d missed the plane.

That wouldn’t be so bad if there was someone left to pick him up. But he was the only one who’d missed the damn thing. Or maybe not.

He was about to collapse unto the floor from despair, when he saw the weirdest thing. There, just a few yards away from him, there was another person, looking directly at him, with a very pissed off and worried look on his face.

Nick stared back and wished with all he had that it had been someone else. His mouth dropped open, but he couldn’t form the words that were playing on his lips. Astonished, he watched as the person came closer, grabbed him by the arm and started to pull him towards the seats at the edge of the enormous hall.

“Sit.”

Nick sat.

He watched as New Guy stalked away in a brusque manner and wondered what the hell had just happened. 

End Notes:

please review, thanks :D

10. Call Guy by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

so here's the 2015 part I promised :)

  1. Call Guy

October 2015

Anxiously fumbling with his cell phone, Nick tried to keep his attention on the road. He failed miserably. As he swerved past yet another big truck, he decided to park somewhere safe before pulling out his phone once again. This time he’d made up his mind. This time he was really gonna call. This time there was no way of going back. Or maybe there was? No. Not this time.

He started to punch in the numbers, thought about it for a second and then deleted the digits. I don’t even remember the number. It wasn’t like the number wasn’t in the cell phone, but Nick felt it was the wrong one, as it was never picked up.

In a bright moment, he rummaged through the junk under his dashboard and triumphantly pulled out a small notebook. After blowing off the dust, he skipped through it ‘til he reached the page he was searching for.

There it was.

Brian: home

Nick scolded himself when he realized the number didn’t even look familiar. He held the phone close to his ear, after he dialled the digits. He thought about breaking off again, but before he could do so, he heard the phone being picked up at the other end of the line. His heart started to pound in his chest.

This is Baylee Littrell,” a young voice said, a voice he’d recognize anywhere. The boy didn’t even have to mention his name.

“Hey Bay, it’s Nick. Remember me?” he drawled nervously.

Yes,” came the curt answer. Nick felt disappointed. He’d expected a little more enthusiasm in the child’s voice.

“Hi buddy, it’s been a while, hasn’t it? God, I feel like I haven’t seen you in a thousand years. So how old are you now? Nine… ten?” he babbled.

I’m twelve and a half,” Baylee spoke slowly, as if speaking to a retard. Nick could tell the kid was becoming annoyed rapidly.

“Right, I knew that,”

Right. So, you want me to go get my dad?” he asked hopefully. Good boy, getting to the point.

“He’s home?” Nick responded fearfully.

Of course he’s home. He’s always home, if he doesn’t have to… you know,” Baylee said the last part very softly and Nick had to strain his ears to even hear it.

“… I know,” he replied after a short pause, “you think he’d wanna talk to me?” he felt the uncertainty creeping into his voice again.

Oh, I’m very sure he would,” Baylee answered and Nick could clearly hear the smile in his voice. That certainly does not predict anything good, Nick’s paranoid mind warned. He didn’t listen to it though. What was the worst that could happen? Sure, they hadn’t parted on the most friendly terms. Sure, he hadn’t seen or spoken the guy in nearly seven months. Sure. But could it really get any worse?

Finally finding the courage to answer the kid on the phone, he said, “Uhhh… okay…”

Baylee took that as a sign to start gibbering at a fast speed and Nick couldn’t make out half of what the 12-year-old was talking about.

… okay cool,… doesn’t like me hanging around bored… my Nintendo broke three days ago, so it’s not my fault… can you imagine how cold it is down here… I don’t really know where he is, hang on,”

“I thought you said he was home,” Nick asked innocently.

There was a short pause and Nick heard the boy sigh exasperatingly, “Well, duh. Have you ever been here? This place is huge!” Nick didn’t respond, cause he knew the kid was right.

Dad? Dad? Wooohooo! Shit, where is he?” he wasn’t sure if Baylee was still talking to him, but he did know that it wasn’t gonna work this way.

“So I assume your mom isn’t home, is she?” he also knew that if Leighanne were home, Baylee wouldn’t have used the word ‘shit’.

Nope, it’s just me and my dad,” faintly he could hear the spark of pride in the boy’s voice. He knew Brian wasn’t as strict as Leighanne and Baylee must feel like the king of a castle.

“Haha, cool,” Nick smiled, enjoying the boy’s sudden energy.

I really wonder where he could have gone though,” Baylee said, puzzled.

“Have you tried calling him?” Nick offered. He knew Brian’s house resembled something close to a maze and finding one another was almost impossible. Nick had quite often suggested an intercom, but Brian thought it was ‘too impersonal’.  If that were true, you should have bought a smaller place.

How can I call him when you’re calling me?” Baylee replied sweetly.

Nick blinked a couple of times. He forgave the child immediately. The boy couldn’t help the fact that he was blond. In fact, Nick was sure he would have asked the same if he were twelve.

“Try and open another line, perhaps?” He could almost hear Baylee’s head in overdrive, thinking hard and there was a long pause at the other end of the line, in which Nick had time to wave and smile to a couple of women driving by, eyeing him excitedly.

Umm, Nick?

“Yup?”

How do I do that?

He couldn’t help but laugh, for no matter how old the boy had gotten, he still needed Nick’s help figuring out phones. Nick had helped Baylee with his first cell phone too. Of course, the kid had primarily asked his father, but told Nick that Brian had stared at the phone for  the whole of five minutes before shrugging and handing it back to his son, claiming that Baylee should learn for himself. Nick remembered Baylee asking him whether his dad came from the middle ages or not.

“Just push the button that has two thin lines on it, should be on the top somewhere,” he said, staring at his own phone, just to be sure.

I think I found it! Thanks, Nick!”’

“No problem buddy,” he managed to squeeze out. In about a minute, he would be hearing a voice that he probably wouldn’t be able to recognize, but which belonged undoubtedly to his best friend. A friend of whom he wasn’t sure was even his friend anymore. 

End Notes:

hope you enjoyed reading as much as i enjoyed writing.

please review, thanks!

11. Repositions by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

enjoy and review please for another update :P

  1. Repositions

‘’Start a war with all your friends
You kick 'em down the street
That's the way to treat your friends
yeah, that's a friend indeed’’

July 1993

He’d been sitting on the bench at the airport hall for a long time now and wondered if New Guy had been just figment of his panicky imagination, for the man had vanished out of his sight completely and hadn’t come back. It was getting late, very late, and he felt like he should be doing something about his situation. Normally, he’d be asleep at this hour.

Just when he had made up his mind to go and wander off by himself, he saw New Guy tramping his way again, looking even more pissed off than he did 45 minutes ago. Nick tried to melt into his seat, he felt so embarrassed. Most of the time, he enjoyed it whenever New Guy was pissed off, but not now. This time New Guy was a whole new level of pissed off, and Nick didn’t have any control over it. He stared up at his mandatory companion cautiously, his eyes big, waiting for him to say something. Nick felt like he was five years old again. He’d gotten lost then too, in the zoo of Central Park. He shivered when he thought about it, but realized that the situation he found himself in now was about ten times worse.

“So we’re in huge ass trouble,” New Guy grumbled.

“Oh?” Nick squeaked, which sounded so not cool.

“Yeah, ‘oh’ is right!” New Guy responded, collapsing into a seat opposite of Nick and staring off angrily, without saying another word.

After a while, Nick had finally managed to collect enough courage to ask, “No offense, but why are you still here?”

New Guy’s eyes finally focused on Nick’s and he spoke, “No offense, but I could ask you the same question.’’ By the glare on the other boy’s face, Nick could easily tell that New Guy was here for a whole other reason than Nick, and he suspected it had something to do with him.

Unbelievable.

Of all the people travelling with them, had New Guy really been the only one that had bothered to check if everyone was there? Had he really been the only one to notice that Nick wasn’t with them?

Unbelievable.

“I got lost,” Nick murmured quietly, almost inaudibly.

“Tell me you’re kidding…” Brian warned.

Nick shook his head shamefully, shrinking back. Something in the voice of his bandmate told him not to reply.

“UNBELIEVABLE!” Brian boomed. “UN-Fuckin’- BELIEVABLE!”

Nick watched him with fearful eyes. Never had he heard Brian curse, never had he not been angry with Brian, when Brian was angry with him. Now all he felt was guilt, for the short 18-year-old was stuck here too probably because of Nick.

“You got lost?! How in God’s name…”

“I was nervous, okay?” Nick snapped, “I had to go to the toilet to… you know… I hate flying…” he trailed off. He looked up and saw Brian staring at him, expectantly.

“There were so many people when I came back, I just didn’t know where to go… I couldn’t see a thing and everyone was in too much of a hurry to tell me. I must have wandered off somewhere…”

Brian’s eyes narrowed. “This is just great! Just terrific! Fuckin’ hilarious! There I was, thinking you’d been trampled, or kidnapped or something terrible like that, but no, mister Carter was just too nervous to keep his dinner in! I should have checked the toilets first, I feel so stupid!”

He couldn’t feel more stupid than Nick did.

“I’m sorry, I was just lost…” he didn’t really have any more to say.

“There! You see that number? Gate 35? That’s our gate.” Nick followed Brian’s pointing finger across the hall.

“Oh…” he nodded, avoiding any eye contact.

In response, Brian lay down on his bench, bringing his hands up to his face. “I can’t believe this, I can’t believe I came looking for you!” he repeated over and over.

“You came looking for me?” Nick asked, as if that weren’t obvious yet.

“Yeah, and I’ve never regretted something as much as that in my life,’’ Brian replied, his voice muffled through his hands.

Nick didn’t say anything again for a long time. He was impressed. Shamefully, he knew that he wouldn’t have done the same thing if their roles had been reversed. No, certainly not. Whatever had possessed Brian to even bother searching, was something Nick hadn’t done anything for to deserve.

“What if we take the next plane?” Nick suggested, surprised he hadn’t thought of that simple solution in the first place.

“We can’t, you moron,” Brian replied, still in the same position.

“Why not?” Nick asked innocently.

Because, dimwit, we have tickets for July the 15th. And guess who just jumped on the last plane to Stockholm on July the 15th? Everyone but us!”

“So?”

So, we can’t get another plane, cause our tickets aren’t valid anymore tomorrow. I checked.”

“Fuck.”

“Yeah.”

 

 

 

 

End Notes:

so I feel like we've finally reached a turning point in this part of the story, don't you?

12. Camille Tea by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

last one for today, promise.

Don't be confused by this chapter (not like you will) 

I think it fits into the story perfectly.

enjoy

  1. Camille Tea

October 2015

“Yo.”

“Dad?”

“Wassup buddy? Something wrong?”

“The hell are you?”

There was a pause on the second line. Baylee held his breath, wondering if his father had forgotten. It wouldn’t be the first time.

“Garden, I figure,” came the long awaited answer.

“No you’re not! I’m in the garden!” Baylee yelled frustrated. He knew Nick could hear everything that was being said, but didn’t care. Nick had a right to know.

There was another long pause on the other end. Baylee had grown used to the time it took for his dad to find an answer to certain questions and he waited, although quite impatiently.

“I know you are Bub, I can see you.” The young child spun on his heels and saw his father sitting about fifty yards further, on a bench between his favourite two trees. Baylee rolled his eyes, sighed, and waved, a small smile forming on his lips. His dad was smiling too and waved back, cell phone in one hand, a cup of Camille tea in the other. Baylee’s smile grew bigger. He had been the one to make his dad Camille tea and he felt pleased that dad was actually drinking it. Or pretending to anyway.

Dad held the cell phone high with a questioning look. Oh yeah! Baylee had almost forgotten Nick was still on the other line. He wondered why Nick hadn’t called his father’s cell phone, but he knew the reason very well. Dad didn’t want to pick up any calls that weren’t from Baylee or mom.

Suddenly a yapping, woolly white form brushed against his ankles and raced into the open field.

“Momo, stay!” he ordered loudly and the tiny Maltese halted abruptly. Baylee smirked, glad that there was at least something left he could keep in control in his life.

“Go get dad,” he commanded. The dog didn’t move a muscle and stared up at his master expectantly instead. There was only so much you could expect out of a Maltese. He sighed again. The grass looked wet, and he had forgotten to put  his shoes on. Why his father didn’t come to him, Baylee didn’t know, but dad did a lot of things Baylee didn’t understand lately.

Cautiously and experimentally he put his right, socked foot on the cold morning grass, then jerked it back immediately, completely soaked. Looking up, he waved angrily at his father, signalling dad came to him. Finally taking the hint, the older man came trudging sluggishly towards him, his hands still full of telephone and tea.

“Wassup, Bay?” dad asked tiredly.

“You can put away the cell now, dad,” Baylee instructed. A strange look appeared on his father’s face and he took the phone from his ear, stared at it for a moment and finally hit the end button.

“Was there something in particular you wanted to tell me, Bub?” Dad smiled sweetly.

“You’ve got a call, and it’s Baylee, by the way.”

“Call? Who?” He could see the suspicion beginning to shape in his father’s eyes.

“I can’t tell you it’s a surprise,” Baylee said innocently.

“Gimme,” Dad replied quickly, the tension getting too hard for him.

Baylee handed over the phone, smirking. Finally something’s gonna get down! he thought as he heard his dad answer.

“Hello?”

13. Stand By You by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

It would have been a lot more convenient if everyone would have had a mobile phone in 1993, wouldnt it?

enjoy the chapter!

  1. Stand By You

 

July 1993

                Brian kept his eyes closed, but Nick knew he wasn’t sleeping.

After a while, Brian’s anger had diminished somewhat and they had tried to figure out what to do now. Well, Brian had. Now it was pretty obvious to Nick why Brian and Kevin were family, and he had thought Kevin was the biggest control freak in the world…

                Brian had taken charge completely and didn’t leave any room for Nick’s suggestions, so the 13-year-old just nodded and said yes to everything. He didn’t feel that he had a right to argue anyway. To be honest, he was glad that he wasn’t alone.

Nick had never realized that missing a plane would cause so much trouble and stress. They’d decided to spend the night at the airport and thankfully, they weren’t the only ones.  Brian had tried to use the phone to call his parents, but apparently they weren’t home, and Nick’s parents were on a plane to Stockholm. Nick remembered their planning really well.

“Tomorrow we’ll call Lou and the others at the hotel,” Brian had informed surly.

“You got the number?” Nick had questioned.

“Yeah, it’s in my luggage, that’s… on the plane… right now…” Brian had stopped pacing and got a look of pure terror on his face, “Shit! I don’t have the number!”

“Relax, cause I do!” Nick had smiled triumphantly, waving a sheet of information in the air, that he’d just gotten out of his hand luggage.

“You little shit! You tryin’ to give me a heart attack? Geez!”

“Calm down, you won’t get a heart attack that easily.” Nick didn’t really know why, but Brian had looked at him meaningfully and then grabbed the piece of paper out of the youngest hands.

“Gimme that. I’ll keep it,” he had stated.

“Pfff, you’re such a control freak,” Nick had protested playfully.

“I like to call it ‘well prepared’, g’night.” And that was that. He’d lain down on the bench and pretended to sleep. Nick knew he was pretending, cause he himself wasn’t even able to sleep here, and he could sleep anywhere else. 

“I’m sorry,” he stated soberly.

There wasn’t an answer. Disappointing. Nick felt a great need to apologize suddenly. Not just for getting lost, but mostly because it was obvious to him that he’d totally misjudged Brian. No, he needed to apologize for everything, as he realized how rude his behaviour must have been.

“I’m sorry,” he repeated, a little louder this time.

“I heard you,” Brian mumbled.

Nick smirked, enjoying the fact that he’d been right about Brian not sleeping. They had found an almost deserted hall at the end of the airport and tried to find some rest on the cold, hard benches in the middle.

 Nick tucked the thin blanket tighter around his frame. Miraculously, Brian had pulled it out of his bag and had handed it to Nick without a word, while taking off his own jacket that would have to function as a cover for himself. Nick had no idea how to make sense out of Brian’s behaviour, and had accepted the blanket wordlessly. Now, as he watch his companion shivering slightly in his t-shirt, he shrugged off his own jacket quickly and threw it on Brian. It may be July, but the airport’s air condition did it’s work perfectly and it was downright cold in there.  There were a few minutes of silence, while Brian picked up Nick’s jacket, that had fallen ungracefully on the ground.

“Thanks,” he murmured eventually.

“I’m sorry.” Nick said and he could see Brian smiling vaguely.

“I know you are, Nick.”

“And?”

‘’Never say sorry, unless you know what you’re sorry for,” came the simple answer.

“I’m sorry for everything,” Nick tried.

“… that’s a lot.”

Brian had decided to be cryptic in his answers obviously and Nick could tell the other boy enjoyed every moment of his apology.

“Well, what do you want me to say?”

“See for yourself…”

“Look, I’m sorry I’ve been such a dickhead to you all the time, I shouldn’t have,”

“That’s a start,” Brian replied.

“I just don’t really like strangers, it had nothing to do with you, really,” Nick confessed quietly.

“Wow, that’s a relief, so basically, you’re rude to everyone?” Brian sneered back.

Nick thought about that for a minute. “Well, yeah…”

“Good to know,” Brian shrugged and nodded.

“I’m sorry I got us stranded here as well,” Nick continued.

“Hey, I’ll tell you a secret,” Brian began.

“What?”

“I hate flying too.”

Nick stayed silent for a few seconds, then he looked at Brian and saw the enormous smirk on the kid’s face and they both started laughing.

“I’m glad you’re here, Brian,” he suddenly said.

“You’re welcome.”

End Notes:

hope you liked it, please review, thanks!

14. Black Mind by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

sorry it's so short, took everything I had to get it to make some sense...

it still doesn't.

enjoy anyway

  1. Black Mind

October 2015

It took a long time for Nick to find the words that could answer the other person on the line. Apparently too long, cause he could hear Brian getting agitated.

“Hello? If this is a joke, it’s not funny. I’m gonna hang up now.”

Nick reacted quickly, “Hey,” he squeezed out clumsily.

A heavy silence followed and Nick could almost hear Brian thinking, trying to remember a name that would be applicable to the caller. After what seemed ages, his friend answered.

“Nick?”

“Hey,” Nick repeated, not able to utter anything else when he heard the hoarse and beaten voice of his best friend, who had once been his brother. There were so many things he wanted to say, but he wasn’t sure if he could trust his voice enough.

“Hey,” came the dumbfounded response of his friend. They really needed to pass the ‘hey’ stadium now. Nick thought for a minute, gripped his phone tight and squeaked, “How you feeling?”

“Ugh, why is everyone always asking me that?” Brian sounded tired, a little annoyed, but not mad. It was more than Nick could have hoped for.

“Because they care about you?” he suggested and immediately realized he shouldn’t have.

“Oh, do they now?” Brian snarled heatedly. Fuck.

“I… I don’t... but…” Nick stammered pathetically. He wished there was something he could say that would make it okay.

“You know, I don’t even remember the last time I talked to you, or anyone of you for that matter,” Brian replied frustrated, but Nick didn’t hear any sign of actual anger in his voice. It was almost like Brian was angry at himself…

“I’m sorry,” Nick tried confused.

“No, I’m sorry! I’m sorry for not remembering when you called!” Brian’s frustrations shone through his soft voice, which got even more hoarse than before. Nick closed his eyes and sighed. This wasn’t how he had pictured their conversation. He thought he’d been prepared for everything, cause he knew a conversation with Brian nowadays wasn’t the easiest thing in the world. It had taken some time for everyone to get used to the sudden mood changes, the long moments of silence and the blank stares. He had been prepared for those things. But he very well knew that Brian had no business apologizing for something like this.

“Don’t be, it’s my fault. It’s been too long, I don’t even remember,” he confessed brokenly.

A long, heavy silence followed and Nick waited patiently, knowing Brian was still there. Nick regretted the fact that he hadn’t been there in the past seven months, that he had had no idea of how bad it had gotten. He could almost see his friend through the phone, struggling to think of the words he wanted to say, but that simply weren’t there.

When the silence continued on, longer than usually, Nick realized his friend wasn’t in any state to be having an even remotely normal conversation. He also knew it was his fault for getting Brian all worked up now. He wished he hadn’t just called, he wished he’d been there beside his brother, to speak to him face to face, he knew Brian would have preferred that. He knew his friend rather talked to someone in person, cause it probably made it easier somehow. He realized now that he hadn’t had the wrong number in his phone, it was just that Brian rarely even picked up his cell phone anymore.

“Bri?” he asked softly, tentatively.

“Nick?” came the terribly astonished answer. Nick closed his eyes again, feeling the tears welling up and spilling over. This isn’t right.

“Nick, is that really you?”

Nick waited a few seconds, not answering, making up his mind. He was actually glad when he came to the decision.

“Nick?” He felt the panic in Brian’s shattered voice.

“Hold on, Bri, I’ll be there in two hours.”

End Notes:

please review :)

15. The Good Life by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

yes :)

  1. The Good Life

July 1993

“You think they’re gonna be pissed?”

“Umm, yeah.”

“Fuck, I wish this hadn’t happened.”

“Don’t say fuck.”

“Fuck.”

 

October 2015

“You shouldn’t be driving when you’re upset.” His mom had told him once, or had it been Angel? It didn’t matter, there were a lot of things he shouldn’t do, or have done. He tried to focus on the road stretched ahead of him, which thankfully was nearly desolate, but it didn’t work. His mind was already in Atlanta, pushing the intercom frantically, just as long as someone, anyone, would answer. He drove as fast as he could, all the while wondering how it could have come this far, without him knowing about it. He felt a headache beginning to take form, but headaches didn’t really mean what they used to nowadays.

 

July 1993

“God, mom’s gonna kill me!” panicky.

“That bad?” curiously.

“Worse!” upset.

“It might not be that bad,” reassuringly.

“You don’t know my mother!” certainly.

“We could always say it was my fault,” confidently.

“They’d never believe that!” sceptical.

 “They would if I told them,” seriously.

 

October 2015

“Dad? Dad?” he whined softly. He had pretended to walk away, but had secretly stayed behind, a couple of feet behind his father. Undoubtedly, Dad was upset. Damnit.

Brian hadn’t moved, couldn’t be moved. It was like he had turned to stone after the brief conversation with Nick. Baylee felt a wave of hatred coming up. Why’d he have to call, we were having such a nice day! Slowly, gently he reached up to the phone, still in his father’s hand. He took it away with a sluggish motion.

“It’s okay Dad.” Brian just looked at him, expressionless. Baylee held the phone to his ear cautiously.

“Hello?” he began tentatively.

“Baylee, that you again?” he heard Nick reply anxiously.

“The hell did you say to him?” he demanded loudly.

“Is he okay?” Nick ignored his question totally.

“I don’t know,” Baylee answered, suddenly scared.

“Where’s your mom?”

“Still working,” she wouldn’t be home for another twelve hours at least. Baylee knew that, cause she had said so.

“Call her.”

“She won’t be home for twelve more hours, it’s a long drive, she said, she works in LA now, well actually she doesn’t, she just…”

“Bay…”

“got a project there, she promised she’d be home by tomorrow, cause…”

“Bay…”

“she didn’t wanna be away from me and dad such a long time, she’s only been there for two days though, so that’s okay. I didn’t…”

“Baylee!”

“Huh?”

“Call her anyway. Get your dad to sit on the couch okay? I’m on my way.”

 

July 1993

“So we’re friends now?”

Silence. Deafening. He needed an answer. The younger one seemed to think a few more seconds before answering.

“I’ve always wanted a big brother,” he finally confirmed.

Brian smiled.

 

October 2015

“You’re coming?” Nick heard the uncertainty in the kids voice.

“Yeah, I’m on my way, I’ll be there in two hours or so.’’ Probably less, given the speed he was currently sporting.

“What do I do?” there was fear now too.

“Just do as I said, kay? And call your mom!”

“Kay.” Pause.

“Nick?”

‘Yeah?’

“Don’t hang up the phone.”

“I won’t.”

 

July 1993

“What time is it?”

“Almost seven thirty.”

“Oh.”

“Have you slept at all?”

“No.”

“Me neither.”

“Brian?”

“Hmmm,”

“How do we get to Stockholm now?”

Deep sigh.

 

 

 

October 2015

He watched his father cautiously, still standing there, looking as lost as a little puppy. Then he remembered something that had miraculously worked a few times before.

“C’mon dad, I’ll make you some tea.” It worked this time as well and Baylee smiled gratefully.

“Oh no, if I get one more cup of tea from you, I’m gonna throw up,” Dad stated. The child laughed cause it was funny. He’d been bringing his father a cup of Camille tea almost every fifty minutes this past few days.  Dad had accepted every drink thankfully, but Baylee knew he’d stopped drinking the stuff after the fifth cup. It didn’t matter though. Baylee loved the smell when he made it, but found the taste disgusting, that’s why he’d given every cup of it to his father.

“Let’s get inside,” Baylee offered and Brian followed him meekly.

“Why aren’t you wearing shoes? You’ll get a cold, Bay.”

“No, I won’t,” Baylee stated and that would have to do.

End Notes:

reviews are crucial now :D

thanks for reading!

16. Better by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

Brian's point of view is a lot harder than I'd expected. I did my best though.

Enjoy!

  1. Better

July 1993

“You’ve got any money?”

“I…well…why?”

“I’m hungry.”

Brian sighed. They had gotten through the night and now there was the ungrateful task of calling Lou and the others, that lay before him. He’d never been as reluctant to do something in his life, besides flying to Sweden. They’d decided that he should be the one to make the call, mainly because they knew Nick would probably screw it up even more than Brian would. There’s gotta be a first time for everything.

He truly felt like they were two brothers who’d done something bad and now needed to tell their parents about it. Only in this case, their ‘parents’ already knew what they had done. He’d been standing with the phone from the reception in his hands for quite some time now, not ready to make the call, and apparently, Nick was getting bored on top of all things.

“You’re hungry? What? You don’t think I’m hungry? First, we make the call, and then, if we survive, we can eat, kay?”

“Are you gonna make that call today?” Nick asked impatiently. Hopping from one foot to another. Apparently he had to go to the bathroom too.

“You wanna do it?” Brian offered agitated.

“Nope, not really,” Nick admitted.

“I thought so, now go to the bathroom, before you wet the floor,” the older boy instructed and watched Nick quickly hop away. Should be careful I don’t lose him again.

Taking a couple of deep breaths, closing his eyes and sending a quick prayer for support up, he dialled the number on the information sheet, holding his breath anxiously.

 

October 2015

He vaguely recalled someone on the phone talking to him. Someone he should know. It had just slipped his mind for a minute.

 

July 1993

“Hanlinson Hotel, how can I help you?” a lady with a thick accent answered the phone. Brian’s heart was speeding up and he felt like he was preparing for a marathon, feeling the sweat forming on his forehead. Nick had returned from the toilet and was looking curiously at him.

“Umm yeah, could you connect me to Lou Pearlman’s room, please?” He stammered, his voice quivering. He so did not want to do this.

“Of course, sir, hang on,” she said sweetly.

He felt the bead of sweat doubling on his brow and squeezed his eyes shut, waiting for the end.

“Pearlman,” he heard a gruff voice say and he knew he would be dead in a few seconds.

 

October 2015

In his head, the sky was blue, but the mist lingered over the fields. In the worst case, the only thing he could make out were forms and nameless shapes. Sometimes, the fog would evaporate completely and he could see again. Most of the time, things on the ‘outside world’ couldn’t come all the way through the mist anymore and he was left in the centre, all alone. He dimly remembered a time when there had been more. When he wasn’t blinded by a constant pain in his head and he didn’t have to use all his energy to name the things that had once been obvious. It was like words slowly diminished from his vocabulary. Name’s he should know, answers he should give, lyrics he had once sung. It wasn’t like he didn’t remember them, it was just that he had forgotten what they were called or how they sounded, or who they were. Right now the fog was too thick to do anything but stare ahead and try his best to make out the dark, terrifying shapes that scared his mind.

 

July 2015

“Umm, Lou, it’s me…” he quietly spoke.

“Brian?” he heard Lou snarl incredulously.

“I… yeah,” he said, defeated. There was a brief pause and then the fire of words came, screaming in his ear, causing him to hold the phone at an appropriate range to not damage his hearing.

“Where the hell are you?! We’ve been searching everywhere!”

“I… umm… I’m at the airport.”

“Where?”

Orlando…

“What?!”

“I missed the plane…”

“You… and… what?”

Brian sighed, they weren’t getting anywhere. By now he didn’t think he’d ever get to Sweden.

“The plane to Stockholm? We kinda missed it…”

“Nick’s with you?! How on earth did you miss a plane? I even remember you were in the line with us!”

“I know, I just, I had to go to the toilet…”

He felt Nick looking up at him sharply and tried to smile at the younger Backstreet Boy. Nick only frowned back.

“You couldn’t wait ‘til we were on the damn thing?!” he heard Lou yell and he winced.

“I really had to go…” he tried to explain lamely.

Nick apparently couldn’t bear to hear it any longer and grabbed the phone out of his hands. “He’s lying! I’m the one that went to the toilet. I’d eaten some bad sushi before and… you know… Brian was just worried and came looking for me… it’s all my fault.”

Brian looked down upon the younger kid that had been so mean to him for over two months and smiled. Now they were even.

End Notes:
please review, it really makes my day. (yes, i'm just that pathetic)
17. What Once Was Lost by freedomwriter
  1. 1.       What Once Was Lost

He felt a lot better when he drove passed the ‘Welcome In Atlanta’ road sign. In the 90 minutes it had taken for him to drive, he’d calmed Baylee down, which he considered a miracle. As he drove on, he felt that familiar nervous feeling in his stomach. Almost there.

After a while, he had stopped panicking and started thinking about everything else. He’d convinced Baylee to call his mom, because he knew Leighanne needed to know what happened. One day, he thought, I’ll become responsible. In the meantime he’d called his own fiancée and explained what was going on. He wasn’t sure, but she sounded almost like she was proud of him, so he felt proud himself now. He knew he’d made the right decision. Baylee couldn’t handle this on his own much longer and if Nick had known what was happening, he’d called a lot sooner. I could have.

Still, there lingered the guilt. Guilt always made everything so much more difficult.  

“Shut up Nick!”

“No, you shut up! Don’t pretend like you’ve ever even tried to contact him! Or have you already declared him dead?”

He still regretted saying that out loud. Howie didn’t really wanna talk to him anymore now. He hadn’t told anyone about his plans to call Brian, and now he’d screwed things up even more by doing so. You did not wanna upset Brian, things went terribly wrong when Brian got upset.

“Bay?”

“Yeah?”

“You called your mom?”

“Uhmmm, I tried,” the young child answered and Nick sighed.

“What happened?”

“She didn’t pick up, must have been busy,” Baylee replied quickly. Nick wasn’t sure whether he believed the kid. He felt that Baylee was strangely reluctant to call his mother. But he could imagine that the child had no idea what to tell mommy. Baylee told him Leighanne hadn’t wanted to leave, feeling that she should stay and take care of her family, but her husband and son had persuaded her into going to Los Angeles. Telling his mother now that everything was going wrong probably wasn’t on Baylee’s list of favourite things to do. And as Nick thought about it, they didn’t really know what was going wrong.

Baylee had said he’d taken Brian to the living room, planted him on the couch and went to make tea for him. He’d assured Nick that Brian had gotten back to normal for the biggest part. Apparently this hadn’t been the first time it had happened, and he knew it would certainly not be the last.

“Okay Baylee,” he said when he knew he wouldn’t press the matter further, they would have to deal with Leighanne later.

“You’re here yet?” Baylee asked nervously, as he had done for most of the time he’d been on the phone with Nick.

“Almost, I just drove into Atlanta,” Nick reassured him, once again thankful that he hadn’t been pulled aside by the cops. Yet.

“Good, I’ll make you some tea!” Baylee called out.

“Sure,” Nick said and he wondered what he’d done to deserve Baylee’s tea.

When he pulled into the long, solitary road that led to the house, he felt like turning around and leaving. He knew he couldn’t do that though. He stopped by the gate and hung out of the window of his car to reach the gate’s intercom, pushing the button, forgetting he still held the phone in his hands, which fell gracelessly to the ground. He paused and stretched out his hand to grab it, while still holding the button.

“Shit!”

“Nick!”  he heard a male voice call out to him and send a silent prayer of thanks up.

“Brian!” he yelled, a little too loudly.

“What are you doing here?” he heard his friend say, surprised.

“I’m paying you a surprise visit! Now, would you mind opening the gate for me?” he asked as sweetly as he could, not mentioning the fact he’d already told Brian he was coming.

“Oh yeah, of course! Hang on!”

Nick waited. A minute. Two minutes.

“Brian, you still there?”

“Course! Why wouldn’t I be?” his friend said, unfazed.

Nick didn’t miss a beat, “Would you mind opening the gate?” he asked again.

“Oh… yeah…” Finally there was a buzz and the gate’s slowly but surely opened and created a passage.

“Thanks, bud!” Nick smiled and drove up to the front door, parking in the driveway.

He got out of his car and, as the door opened, he did something he should have done a long time ago. Without a word, he walked up to his brother and, wrapping his arms around him, he pulled him in for a tight embrace.

 

End Notes:

please read and review :D

hope you enjoyed!

18. Breaking Bald by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

enjoy!

  1. Breaking Bald

March 1995

“You ever done this before?”

“Yeah, once.”

“And?”

“My brother was bald for three months.”

Nick snickered and Brian jabbed him in the ribs. They had squeezed themselves into AJs closet, rummaging through his clothes and other personal stuff.

“Where is it?”

“I don’t know!”

“Sshh, be quiet!”

“You be quiet!”

“Ah! Got it!” Brian got up and triumphantly held a bottle of shampoo in the air. Grinning from ear to ear, he held out his hand. Excitedly and also grinning, Nick handed him the chemical substance in  their own bottle.

“You know he’ll find out, right?”

“Oh he’ll never know what hit him! Let’s get this show on the road!”

 

October 2015

“Jeez, have you grown taller or did I shrink?” Brian smiled when he was released from Nick’s suffocating hug. Nick couldn’t do anything but smile, as he let go of his best friend. The smile faltered as he got a good look at Brian though.

The once tanned skin had been replaced by a sheet white pallor, creeping into his face, leaving black circles around his eyes, making him at least twenty years older than he really was. The baseball cap hid whatever wasn’t there and when he’d hugged him, he could count the bones in Brian’s body. The smile was real though and the spark in his eyes hadn’t faded after all.

“You look great.”

 

March 1995

“Fuckin’ Nick Carter!” He heard someone scream in horror. Showtime!

You called?Nick popped up beside AJ, looking expectantly at him.

It took every bit of self-control inside of Alex to keep from strangling the little shit.

“What did you do?” he said in a low, menacing growl.

“I don’t understand, what do you mean?” Nick asked as innocently as he could.

“I mean this!” AJ removed the hat he was wearing and Nick clasped a hand on his mouth, not to show his shock, but to hide the bolt of laughter he felt rising within him. He’d never been good at playing innocent, and he couldn’t help but laughing out loud, when he saw the big, ugly and hairless spot on the side of AJs head.

“YOU!” AJ bellowed and Nick dashed away, with AJ hot on his heels. He stuck out his tongue at Brian who was doubled over laughing from across the room. Every prank they’d pulled, and never it was Brian who was blamed, while it was him being the master brain behind the jokes, basically Nick didn’t do anything but follow up on his orders. He’d never betray Brian though, cause they were brothers, and brothers were loyal to each other.

 

October 2015

“So how are you and everybody else doing?” Brian asked curiously once they’d settled in the living room.

“Well, I don’t know ‘bout everyone else, but I’m doing fine, how about you?”

“I don’t wanna talk about me,” Brian said, retreating.

Baylee suddenly appeared from the kitchen and planted a large cup of yellow liquid in front of Nick, as well as Brian’s nose.

“What’s this?”

“It’s Camille tea,” Baylee announced proudly and motioned for Nick to try it. Nick didn’t move though.

“Camel tea?”

“No, Camille tea!” the kid answered, rolling his eyes. Unsure, Nick looked at Brian for confirmation and saw his friend shaking his head unnoticeably, trying to stifle his laughter.

“We’re out of beer,” Brian simply said, “Try it.”

Nick eyed him suspiciously, noticing he hadn’t touched his tea either. There’s something in my tea!

“It’s fine,” Brian read his mind.

 

March 1995

“You think he’s gonna get back at us?” Nick asked a little scared, in the middle of the night.

“I don’t know, he just might.” Brian answered and Nick wondered if he was serious. You could never tell with Brian.

“You trying to scare me?”

“I’m just saying, I would hate it to be bald.”

 

 

 

End Notes:

And I'll just leave it at that...

 

please review!

19. Trouble in Paradise by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

enjoy! If you have any questions, don't be too scared to ask :D

  1. Trouble in Paradise

 

April 1998

He really hated this business.

They were only half way through the show and he was already panting like he’d run a marathon.  And what did it really matter? The crowd was screaming louder than they could sing anyway. He could feel the nervous glances from his fellow bandmates coming his way but didn’t pay them any mind. He’d already assured them time after time that he was doing fine and didn’t care whether they believed him or not. Him wanting the show to end didn’t have anything to do with the fact that he felt exhausted, and that no amount of sleep would make him feel better. It didn’t have anything to do with the pending surgery that he’d have to undergo in a month, or maybe two, or three, who could tell with their twisting and turning schedule? It wasn’t even the fact that Leighanne would leave him if they made him reschedule again. Didn’t she understand that he had no choice? Didn’t she understand that they never had any choice? Didn’t she know that they were just some puppets, handled by the big men in the entertainment industry? Nobody cared about his health, his happiness, as long as he sung. What did it matter that it was becoming increasingly difficult to control his panting breathing and to calm his beating heart? As long as he sung.

 

October 2015

He really missed that business.

It had been seven months since he had been a part of it, and he wanted it back. He’d been stuck in this house all that time and he couldn’t stand to be around here much longer. He knew he had to though, cause for some reason, he probably wouldn’t be able to survive on his own anymore. And although he sometimes forgot where he was going, or what he was doing, he knew his way around the house and wouldn’t get lost. That hadn’t happened yet anyway… or had it? Maybe. He wasn’t sure anymore. His world consisted out of confusion and insecurity, but yet it was too small for it to really cause a problem. Nick wasn’t used to this world though, and he’d have to be really careful to not make the kid freak out.

“Can you see the stars?” Nick snapped him out of his thoughts. They’d been talking for hours and once they’d decided to sit in the garden, a comfortable silence had settled between them.

“Yeah,” he answered curtly. He didn’t feel like talking anymore. He wouldn’t mind falling asleep right then and there.

“I love the stars,” Nick explained satisfied. Brian glanced at him sideways, wondering if his friend was drunk. Then he remembered that they didn’t have any alcohol in the house. But Nick didn’t need any alcohol to act drunk. Just like Brian didn’t need any alcohol to kill his brain. Alcohol was dispensable.

“Yeah, me too,” Brian answered, though he didn’t really know what they were talking about anymore. He felt the mist in his mind getting thicker and the headache getting stronger, as it always did whenever he was getting tired.

“Can you imagine, they’re like billions of miles away from us?” he heard Nick say, but didn’t know what it meant. Can you please just shut up? He’d been having a good day today. Now, with every word Nick spoke out loud, he felt the pain surging  through his head and couldn’t help but moaning softly.

“Brian?”

 

April 1998

“Dude, you wanna go play some basketball?’’ an energetic 18-year-old rammed on his friend’s door. There was no answer, and Brian didn’t open the door. Disappointed, Nick left. Maybe tomorrow.

 

October 2015

“Dude, you okay?” Nick asked, scared.

“Please, just stop talking,” came the troubled answer. He stared worriedly at his friend, as he had done for months before Brian had left. It felt good to see him again, but it also brought back the horrifying concern he’d felt then.

                Nick thought for a minute, seeing Brian hunched over with his head in his hands. He couldn’t even imagine the pain his friend must be experiencing on a daily basis. Resolutely Nick stood up and placed a hand on Brian’s shoulder, forcing him to look him in the eyes.

                “You okay?” he repeated, whispering this time. Brian didn’t even have to answer him, the vacant, clouded stare speaking louder than every excuse ever could. Nick wasn’t sure if the man had even heard him. Suddenly, a strange expression  came over his face and his brows furrowed in confusion.

                “Nick? You doing here?”

                Nick nodded, making up his mind. He bowed down, wrapped Brian’s arm around his neck, and hoisted him up.

                “Come on, let’s get you to bed,” he stated firmly and felt Brian trying to nod.

                “Yeah, I’m tired,” he heard him slur weakly.

                While they walked cautiously back inside the house, he felt his friend leaning heavily against him more and more, until he was the only one keeping them upright. They’d just climbed the stairs, and it had taken a lot out of the older man. Once they’d reached the top, Nick looked around frantically, and in that instant, Brian’s knees gave out. Reacting instinctively, Nick tried to catch his friend and roughly grabbed the man’s shirt. He heard Brian scream out in pain when his head was thrown back. He only had a second to realize Brian’s body going limp, before he lost his balance.

                “No!” he yelled, but it was too late. Tumbling roughly down the stairs, he realized that it probably would have been better if he’d placed Brian on the couch in the living room.

 

 

 

 

End Notes:

God, what am I doing?

20. Repeating History by freedomwriter
  1. Repeating History

October 2015

He felt his eyes slit closed for the umpteenth time and jerked his head back up. He couldn’t go to sleep, he’d have to stay awake and wait for news. He shifted tiredly and felt a dull pain flare through his shoulder and back.  It was a nasty reminder of their fall and he grimaced slightly. Baylee was sitting right next to him and he couldn’t help feeling sorry for the little boy. This must have been a very exhausting day for the kid, even without him having to see Nick and his father at the bottom of the stairs. Nick sighed, he’d screwed everything up once again. Carefully, as not to wake the child up, he moved Baylee’s head from his sore shoulder to his leg. He wasn’t careful enough though, when Baylee’s eyes opened slightly and the kid let out a deep breath.

“Daddy?” he asked sleepily.

“No buddy, it’s me,” Nick answered softly.

“Oh,” Baylee seemed disappointed. “Daddy back yet?” he questioned hopefully.

“Nope, not yet, try and get back to sleep, kay?” he instructed quietly.

“Hmmm kay,” Baylee muttered and his eyes closed again. Nick sighed again, the waiting room was boring and he needed every form of distraction not to fall asleep himself.

 

September 2009

They’d blamed it on the swine flu initially.

He’d heard that the flu could do fatal damage to one’s voice. He’d always been scared of it, but he’d gotten lucky. His voice hadn’t taken a turn for the worse. Brian’s had. They’d waited patiently for it to get better, but it never did. His friend’s voice had been coached, he’d been ordered to drink all kinds of stuff that would stimulate his vocal cords, he’d even been given a month off, which rarely ever happened in Backstreet World. They’d made him sing Quit Playing Games over and over again, ‘til he’d get it right, but he never did and therefore Brian hated the song with his whole being.  Eventually they would know exactly when his voice would crack and where, so they’d tried to cover it up. It had worked for a while, but Nick could tell that his friend hated every minute of it. It had even come to a point that Brian despised being on stage, having to sing as quietly and carefully as he could, with the other boys backing him up. It had made him feel like a burden and he’d wished, prayed for his voice to come back, but it never did, and it was all because of the freaking swine flu. Nick remembered being scared he’d have it too. He remembered staying away from Brian as much as possible, even when his bandmate wasn’t contagious anymore. He’d never once thought about the consequences of swine flu, or for how long it lingered. He’d always assumed Brian would get over it eventually. But he didn’t, and when his voice only deteriorated  further, they knew they couldn’t blame it on the swine flu anymore.

 

 

October 2015

“So, the doctor thought we were the most clumsiest ones he’d seen all day,” Nick looked up when he saw Brian walking towards them, a little unsteady, but otherwise he seemed fine. He heaved a relieved sigh and smiled. He remembered the sheer panic he’d felt once they’d reached the bottom of the stairs.

                Once they’d fallen all the way down, he’d looked around feverishly. He’d flinched when he’d put his weight on his left arm, remembering his shoulder crashing into the concrete wall during their fall. He’d seen Brian lying a few feet away from him, he’d heard Baylee yell something at the top of the stairs and finally he’d tried to get up to inspect any further damage. Brian hadn’t moved in the time it took for Nick to crawl over to his friend, and his concern had grown worse. No no no no no. However, when he reached the former Backstreet Boy he heard him groan exasperatedly.

                “Ugh, if you throw me down the stairs one more time, I swear I’m gonna kill you,” he growled and Nick had laughed relieved, realizing the déjà vu in their situation and remembering the other time where Brian hadn’t been so lucky.

                “You okay?” he asked, just to be sure.

                “Define okay,” Brian mumbled tiredly.

                “You hit your head?” Was the first thing Nick really needed to know.

                “Ummm, I don’t know, maybe a little,” his friend admitted while Nick pulled him up carefully.

                “Then off to the hospital it is!” Nick declared and before Brian could even begin to protest, he dragged him out of the house and into his car. He’d gone back, yelling for Baylee to get down and come with them and he’d driven them to the nearest hospital with a throbbing shoulder, a sulking little boy in the back, and a for some reason stupidly grinning Brian Littrell next to him.

                “What the heck is so funny?” Nick had barked at him.

                “Your arm hurt?” Brian asked eagerly.

                “Maybe,” Nick answered and he saw the smile grow even bigger.

                “Good,” Brian stated firmly.

                Nick looked at him suspiciously. “Weirdo,” he muttered and drove on.

 

                

 

 

End Notes:

hope you enjoyed, please review :) thanks! 

21. Still Alright by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

enjoy!

  1. Still Alright

April 2012

“Ha! It’s not like your voice hasn’t been screwed up over the past few years!”

“Not as bad as yours!”

It was on again. It had been for over a couple of weeks now. In AJ’s eyes, Brian’s voice was taking too long to get better and he didn’t waste any moment to make sure Brian knew that. And Brian did know that, he just couldn’t help it. To say he was becoming desperate would be an understatement.

“What do you want from me then? I’ve done everything to get it better and I don’t know what else to do Alex!” He yelled and felt how his voice lost every bit of volume and power it had left. It did not help to prove his point.

“Then maybe you shouldn’t be a part of this anymore!” AJ could yell louder than him, but when the younger man realized what he said, he clasped a hand for his mouth.

“Is that really what you think, Aje?” Brian asked wounded.

The room was deadly quiet and AJ became aware of all the people staring at them suddenly. Embarrassed, he scratched his head and avoided every eye-contact with Brian.

“I… I… I don’t know, what else is there to do? We can’t go on like this much longer, you’ve gotta admit that,” he stammered helplessly.

Brian looked at him for a moment, then looked at the others for support and eventually turned around and left the room, slamming the door on his way out. The others were left behind, baffled. AJ stood in the middle of the room, staring suspiciously at the door, while he felt Kevin’s eyes piercing his back. He spun on his heels immediately.

“What?” he barked a little harsher than he’d intended.

Kevin didn’t say anything, but his eyes said enough. All these years, and you still couldn’t dis Brian without dissing Kevin.

“I’m not going after him! Forget it!” AJ said stubbornly. Kevin’s eyes narrowed and his infamous eyebrows furrowed. AJ could feel that Kevin was just seconds away of becoming a nuclear bomb and he shrunk back, Kevin’s staring scowl getting too much.

“Alright, alright,” he gave in, “stupid eyebrows always get their way,” mumbling under his breath. Before he could see the eyebrows shoot up, hear Kevin say, “It’s like they’re going through puberty again,”, he was out of the room, making his way through the halls of the conference building.

Finding Brian wasn’t that hard, seeing the man hadn’t gone very far. AJ spotted him sitting in a room at the end of the hallway and took a deep breath to steady himself. Here goes nothing.

“Hey Rok,” he said quietly. Maybe too quietly, he thought when Brian didn’t react, didn’t even look up. AJ approached the hunched figure carefully and saw the troubled expression on his features. Cautiously he put a hand on the older man’s shoulder and felt him tense up.

“Brian? Look man, I’m sorry ‘bout what I said back there, I didn’t mean it like that,” AJ tried, feeling helpless. His friend didn’t answer and AJ almost thought that he hadn’t heard him.

“Brian? Come on, don’t let me say it again, I also have my pride you know,” he joked lamely.

“Please stop talking,” Brian suddenly whispered. AJ frowned and, kneeling in front of Brian, he grabbed his wrists, forcing him to look up.

“You okay?” he asked tentatively and saw Brian nod almost unnoticeably.

“Yeah, fine,” he whispered, “just a headache.”

AJ stepped back. “My fault?” he asked guiltily.

Brian gave a short laugh, “No, it’s not you, Alex,” he said softly, flinching.

AJ let out his breath, relieved. “Ah good, cause I almost thought my own screwed up voice inflicted serious damage there,” he joked, but Brian didn’t take the bait.

“Could you dim the lights please?” his friend asked and AJs frown grew deeper when he saw Brian trying to roll up in a ball. He was by his side in a second, touching his back softly and feeling him shudder violently.

“Bri? You sure you okay man?” he asked, worried.

“I’ll be fine, just, please, turn off the lights,” Brian choked out. Oh yeah, right. AJ jumped up to turn down the lights in the already unnaturally dark room and when he returned, he noticed Brian trying to sit up. He rushed to help his friend, but Brian waved him off.

“It’s fine, it’s gone now,” he said dismissively.

“Don’t mind me asking, but what exactly is gone now?” AJ asked curiously.

“Freaking headache,” Brian replied curtly, still shaking.

“Dude, you get headaches like that a lot?” AJ questioned, concerned.

“Sometimes, they’re more like migraines now,” his friend muttered.

“Wow, you should get that checked out,” AJ suggested firmly.

“I’m fine.”

“I bet.”

 

 

October 2015

“I’m fine.”

“I bet.”

“Shut up.”

“Does it hurt when I press here?”

“Ow! Hell yes it does! Stop touching me!” His friend smiled and continued poking into his shoulder. It made him want to bite his head off.

“If you don’t stop poking me, I’m gonna bite your head off,” Nick threatened.

Brian continued with his job, unfazed. “Go right ahead, don’t have much use of it anyway,” he joked lightly.

“You’re in an awful good mood while in a hospital,” Nick said sulkily.

“Oh well, I practically live here anyway, no use being cranky all the time.”

“You’re a creep,” Nick stated.

“I know,” Brian stopped pressing, “did you get that checked out yet? It might be broken!” For whatever reason, Brian seemed very happy about that. Nick looked at him strangely.

“I did, they said it’s only bruised,” he defended.

“Can you move it?” Brian asked, not listening. Nick tried, but didn’t get very promising results. He stopped when the pain got too much.

“Not really,” he said, defeated.

“You want some aspirin? I got some aspirin, doctor gave me some aspirin!” Brian was almost jumping up and down now, and Nick wondered if his friend had had an access to caffeine. Probably. After the fall, Brian had gotten off lucky, with just a small concussion as a reminder and Nick suspected his friend didn’t even feel it.

“I don’t need your damn aspirin, now calm down!” Nick yelled to be heard over Brian’s useless babbling.

“We’ll need to call a cab!” Brian exclaimed and suddenly stood still.

“What? Why?” Nick asked surprised.

“You can’t drive like that!” his friend declared and Nick paused for a few seconds, knowing he was right.

“Well, what about my car?” he asked desperately.

“It’ll be here tomorrow, and the day after that, and after that, and after…” Brian went on, ‘til he was broken off by Nick.

“Why can’t you drive it?” he asked when he thought about the unpleasant prospection of leaving his brand new car at the hospital for days. When he looked up, he saw Brian scowling at him.

“What?” he asked lamely.

“Duh!” Brian explained, heated.

“Oh, yeah, right.” Nick answered when it finally dawned upon him. Brian hadn’t been allowed to drive for two years. He watched the former Backstreet Boy carefully pick up a sleeping Baylee, and, following him down the halls, he heard him mutter, “Sometimes I wonder which one of us has the brain tumor here…”

Nick smiled, wondering if Brian’s humour would ever cease to exist.

 

 

 

End Notes:

now that we've answered the million dollar question, please read and review :)

22. Monkey Pets by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

so glad I finally got this chapter done! think it turned out pretty well after all, haha :)

  1. Monkey Pets

 

October 2015

“Oh, thank God, it’s still here!” Nick exclaimed relieved and Baylee rolled his eyes. Nick looked like he was gonna make love to the car right then and there. Baylee may have been only twelve, almost thirteen, mind you, but he knew about stuff. He knew where babies came from and he was proud of that knowledge, thank you very much. He wasn’t an idiot though, he was aware of the fact that no love could be made to a car, but the way Nick brought it, you’d believe he could.

“You know, if you two need a room…” Baylee drawled mockingly, Nick turned around and looked at the boy as if noticing he was there for the first time.

“Know what? We just might!” Nick smiled and threw an arm around Baylee’s shoulder. Without warning, he lifted him up with one arm and promptly swung him in the passenger seat of his car.

“I get to ride shotgun?” Baylee yelled excitedly.

“You sure do!” Nick exclaimed just as happy.

“I never get to ride shotgun! This is so cool! This is awesomely epic!”

“Hey, being awesome is my job,” Nick said, smiling. Baylee couldn’t have been more happy. They’d had a nice day together, which was pretty amazing, given the fact that it had started out like a terribly bad day. Mom, who had come back three days ago, had taken Dad to the hospital in the morning, because it was ‘take Dad to the hospital’ day. That’s what Baylee called it anyway. He hated those days. They’d occur like every three weeks and Mom promised it was to get Dad some medicine. Baylee wasn’t so sure. He didn’t really know what happened during the ‘medicine’ days, but he was pretty sure that ‘medicine’ was the wrong term. Poison was more like it, for it did nothing to make his dad better. In fact, it seemed like it only made him feel worse.

Baylee had been left with Nick, who was still there because of his shoulder. After two days it turned out he might have broken it a little after all, and Mom had insisted he’d stay with them ‘til he’d feel better. Baylee hadn’t really gotten that, seeing Mom never really seemed to like Nick. She thought he was irresponsible and a bad example, but luckily, Dad always stood up for him. So now he got to right shotgun because of that. And he’d got to go to the zoo, where he’d been a million times before, but never with Nick. Baylee had thought the man was ready to buy one of the baboons and keep it as a pet. He’d never seen anyone so excited about baboons before. He’d gotten about ten different kinds of ice creams and now he felt nauseous, but content, as they drove home calmly. Well, Nick’s way of calm anyway, which meant that they were still going at least five miles over the speed limit. Baylee didn’t mind, and he felt his eyes slowly shut, thinking about baboons, monkeypets, Nick, Nick as a monkey, Halloween costumes, Momo. Momo?

“No, Momo! Stay!” Baylee screamed, suddenly wide awake. He immediately knew he was too late when he felt the car brake abruptly. He heard Nick swear violently, which made him realize just why Mom thought Nick was a bad example. There was a long moment of silence, without the happy yapping of his dog, which made Baylee assume the worst.

He jumped out of the car as soon as possible, running to the front. He heard himself scream in horror when he saw the animal, which had once been white, but now looked like it had been repainted by a ugly shade of red.

 

June 2013

“What the hell happened back there?” he heard his mom yell hysterically from the other room, through the walls, and he hid his face back in AJs chest. For Mom to use the word ‘hell’, something would have to be really wrong. He didn’t know exactly what was wrong, cause he hadn’t been there during the rehearsals, but from the several shocked and worried faces, he could make a good guess.  He had tried to ask AJ, who’d whisked him away before he’d been able to get a look in the other room, but AJ hadn’t said anything, just hold him close like he was six years old. He was ten, damnit, and he had a right to know what was going on. Of course, that had been before he’d heard his mother’s hysterical yell, now he really didn’t want to know what happened.

“It’s okay, Bay,” AJ murmured quietly. If it was supposed to be soothing, he didn’t do a very good job. Baylee could clearly hear the fear and concern in his voice.

“AJ, could you let me go, you’re kinda squeezing me out here,” Baylee tried to choke out.

“Oh, right, I’m sorry, I’m just, ehh, kinda nervous.”

“Yeah, I can tell,” Baylee answered, pausing. “Where’s everyone?” he asked innocently, though he very well knew where everyone was. They were in the other room.

“They’re next door, trying to help your dad,” AJ explained softly.

“What happened to him?” he felt himself getting scared. Figuring he’d probably get the most information out of AJ this way, he did his best to put on his greatest version of the puppy dog eyes. Just be a scared little boy, just make him feel sorry for you.

“I wish I knew, Bay, but I really don’t, I don’t understand what happened,” AJ stated, confused. Baylee realized the older man was feeling just as lost and scared as he was.

“But you were there! You actually saw what happened, right?” he asked, desperate.

“Oh buddy, you don’t want to know what I saw.”

 

October 2015

He barely heard Nick slam the car door shut. He barely noticed the tall guy coming to stand next to him. He barely saw his obviously dead dog through his tears. He did, however, notice it when Nick tried to gently put his good hand on his shoulder.

Baylee jumped about a mile into the air and spun on his heels, livid. Just when he thought his life couldn’t get more screwed up…

“You! You killed her! She’s dead because of you!” He screamed and Nick shrunk back.

“I’m so sorry, Bay, I… I… I didn’t see her! She went so fast…” Nick tried to explain.

“No! You should have seen her! How could you not see her!” Baylee yelled unrelenting. He was so mad, feeling the frustrations flowing out of his mouth at a fast speed. He knew Nick couldn’t have seen the dog running up to the car, but that didn’t mean that he couldn’t blame the guy.

“Oh God, I know! I’m such an asshole! I’m so sorry, Baylee!” cause he knew Nick would also blame himself.

“You KILLED my dog!” Baylee was furious now, sobbing because of the lack of control in his life. Taking a well-aimed hit, he punched Nick right in his bad shoulder.

“Ow!” Nick howled and it made Baylee feel just a little bit better.

“I hope it hurts!” he shouted bitterly.

“Look Baylee, I already said I was sorry. There’s nothing more I can do. Hey, I’ll get you another dog,” Nick offered desperately. It was the last straw.

“You think it’s gonna be that easy? You think you can just replace her? I don’t want another dog, Nick! I want Momo! I want my own dog! I want Momo back! Just the way she was!”

There was a long silence. Nick looked at Baylee, who was sobbing uncontrollably, tears streaming down his face, unto the ground.

                “Baylee?” Nick asked softly and Baylee’s head shot up.

                “What?” he snarled angrily.

                “This isn’t really about Momo anymore, is it?”

                “What do you know? You don’t know anything!” he growled hoarsely.

                “Baylee, please…” Nick begged quietly.

                “No, she’s not just some dog, you can… you know… replace…

                Another long silence followed and Baylee saw the change in Nick’s face, as the older man recalled the same words he’d spoken himself a few months before. Without caring about anything else, Nick wrapped his arms around the boy, that felt like a little nephew to him, and hugged him tight.

                “I know, Baylee, I know. We won’t.”

End Notes:

please review, it's crucial at this point, haha

23. Cut Out by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

hope you still like it! Enjoy!

  1. Cut Out

They’d buried the dog somewhere near the second tree on the driveway, which Baylee assured him was Momo’s favourite place to pee. It didn’t seem relevant to Nick, but to Baylee it made perfect sense. The Backstreet Boy had taken the shovel, which finally proved to be useful, from his car’s trunk and dug a hole right where Baylee had instructed him to. He’d lifted the dead Maltese with the same shovel, cause he’d learned not to touch dead animals, not even when he himself had killed it. Slowly he’d let Momo descend into its early grave, while he heard Baylee sniffle a few times. He kept apologizing to the boy and Baylee had told him to stop it a few times, but he couldn’t help it.

“Momo, you’re the best dog I’ve ever had,” Baylee stated sadly and turned around, walking along the driveway towards the house. Nick was left to fill up the grave quickly and then hurried after his friend’s son. Panting, he came to a halt next to Baylee, who was standing a few feet from the door with a big frown on his face.

“What?” Nick asked, out of breath.

“Mom’s car’s still gone,” Baylee replied suspicious. Nick began to frown too.

“Does it always take them this long?” he questioned and saw Baylee shake his head, worried. There was fear on the boy’s face and tears in his eyes. Damn, Nick had once again really screwed his day up. Once again prove that I’m not cut out to be a father.

“I’m sure they’ll be here any minute, ‘til that time, let’s go inside, before we freeze our butts off,” he suggested when he felt the cool autumn wind blow through his t-shirt. He was used to always sunny and happy California, not this cold hole they called Atlanta. Why can’t Brian live in Los Angeles, he thought irritated, while he retrieved the keys from his pocket and opened the big door that gave entrance to the hallway.

“Hey, you wanna play a videogame?” he asked the child once they were inside.

“No, I’m tired,” Baylee answered sullenly and Nick sighed.

“You wanna go to bed?” he offered. Baylee just shook his head and stared off into the distance.

“Come on, you’re almost falling over, so got to bed. I’ll wake you up when they get home, kay?” Nick ordered and Baylee looked gratefully at him.

“Thanks Nick,” he yawned and trudged lazily upstairs. Nick sagged onto the couch in the living room. After a few moments he grabbed the phone off the hook and dialled his fiancée’s number. It was time to give Lauren a call. His girlfriend already knew about his precarious adventures in Atlanta and after she’d been done laughing, she told him to agree on Leighanne’s offer to stay in Atlanta ‘til his shoulder had healed. She’d reasoned that she wouldn’t have time to take care of his sorry ass while she was in Japan to promote her latest instruction videos. It didn’t keep Nick from calling her everyday though, and he knew she wouldn’t have it any other way.

“Lauren Knitt,” she answered on the second ring.

“Oh, I really can’t wait until you’ll be forced to answer a phone call with: Lauren Carter,” Nick replied smoothly.

“Honey, in that case, we’ll have to get married sometime soon, or did you think that by giving me a ring, the job would be done?” he heard Lauren say jokingly.

“Nope, I can’t wait ‘til I can call you my wife, you know that,” he smiled.

“I know that,” he heard her smile too. She was a patient lady and Nick loved that about her. In fact, there wasn’t a thing that he didn’t love about her and he knew that she felt the same way too. Now he finally understood what Brian and the others had been talking about, when they were referring to true love. Almost three years ago he’d asked Lauren to marry him, but they had never been able to get it done. There was just always something getting in the way.

“God, I love you,” he breathed, closing his eyes. Suddenly, he felt really tired as well. It had been a long day. He’d taken the bus with Baylee, gone to the zoo. Pretended to freak out about baboons, which strangely made the boy laughing at him. He’d picked up some medication for Brian and himself at the pharmacy. Then Baylee and him had been forced to walk all the way to the hospital parking lot, where thankfully his car was still parked, untouched. On top of all that, he’d killed the dog of his best friend’s son, who undoubtedly  hated him now.

“I love you too baby, any news from cold Atlanta today?” she asked curiously, as if she knew.

“You mean besides my shoulder being stiff?” Nick whined softly.

“Oh honey, you should take it easy then. Are you taking it easy?” she questioned strictly and Nick laughed.

“Not so much, Baylee and I went to the zoo today,” he informed proudly.

“Sweety, I think it’s great you’re trying to bond with Baylee,” Lauren stated.

“Oh yeah, we did really well together. Until I ran over his dog…” Nick drawled nervously.

“You didn’t…”

“I did. He’s never gonna forgive me,” he said sullenly and then remembered something else.

“Oh, and now he’s all upset cause his parents aren’t home yet.”

“Where’d they go?” He heard the concerned undertone in Lauren’s voice and felt his own worry growing too.

“The hospital. They’re getting Brian’s chemo done. I don’t know what’s taking them so long though,” he added quietly, staring out of the window at the driveway, where Leighanne’s car was still missing.

“I’m sure they’ll be home soon, you try calling Leighanne?” Lauren questioned.

“Yeah, she’s not answering,” Nick said. He had a feeling Leighanne had a way of not answering phone calls.

“Oh dear, well, call me when they get there, okay?” Lauren ordered. Great, now he’d made her worry too.

“I will, don’t worry, I’m sure they’ll be here any second.”

“How’s Brian doing by the way?” Lauren asked when she realized she hadn’t questioned that already.

“Can you hold on for a second, I’m getting another call,” Nick explained suddenly. Figuring that this was Brian’s phone, he couldn’t just keep the line busy, that would be rude. Besides, what if it was Leighanne explaining why they were late? Without waiting for an answer from Lauren, he opened the other line and answered sternly.

“Littrell household, this is Nick, can I help you?” he answered jokingly.

“Oh, hello,” a gruff voice replied, “is Leighanne there?”

Nick frowned. “Who’s this?”

“Oh sorry, it’s Larry Hitmen, from Hitmen’s entertainment?” Larry answered hopefully, as if hoping Nick would know all about Hitmen’s entertainment.

“Right, look, Leighanne’s not home, but I’ll tell her to call you back, kay?”

“Alright, just tell her that we're basically wrapping up the project here, and that we really miss her, okay?” He sounded serious.

“Errr, okay,” Nick replied, hesitating. The way the man said ‘project’ made him shudder and he really couldn’t think of a reason why they would really miss Leighanne there. Unless… No, she wouldn’t do that.

 

 

End Notes:

please review, and let me know if I have taken the right turn here...

thanks for reading!

24. Give In To Guilt by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

oh dear, I see where this is going...

enjoy anyway!

  1. Give In To Guilt

He hadn’t really been sleeping. He couldn’t sleep, not until he knew his parents were home. He let out the breath he didn’t realized he’d been holding, when he heard the front door shut. He crawled out of his bed hurriedly and made his way out of his messy room.

“Baylee, they’re here!” He heard Nick scream from downstairs and smiled. Good ol’ Nick, doing as he promised. Baylee ran downstairs as fast as he could and bumped into his mother, who’d been standing at the bottom to hang up her coat.

“Sorry mom,” he murmured.

“You shouldn’t be running down the stairs, baby. What if you trip and fall?” his mother warned worriedly. Baylee secretly smiled at Nick and saw his father’s friend smile back, pointing at his braced and bandaged shoulder.

“Then I’ll break my shoulder?” Baylee answered innocently and Nick gave him a thumbs up. Mom looked at him, annoyed and turned back to her son.

“That’s right. Now, did you guys already have dinner?” She wondered, realizing it was dinnertime already.

“Nope. But I’ve had a lot of ice cream, so I’m good,” Baylee answered, looking at her curiously.

“Why are you looking like that?” she finally questioned him.

“Where’s Dad?” he finally found the courage to ask and saw Nick look up too, probably wondering the same thing.

“Oh, I totally forgot him,” she exclaimed, bringing a hand to her mouth. When she saw Baylee’s eyes getting big, she laughed. “No, he’s still at the hospital. Had a small fever so they made him stay for the night, he’ll be back tomorrow,” she promised and walked into the kitchen. “God, I’m hungry.”

“Me too,” Nick stated and went after her. Baylee was left in the hallway and because he didn’t want to be left out, he too, wandered into the kitchen.

“You guys want some tea?” he offered. Nick and his mother were standing next to each other at the counter, preparing some sandwiches for themselves.

“No,” they both replied in unison and Baylee went to sit at the dinner table, sulking. He didn’t understand whatever it was that they seemed to had against his tea. At least his father actually pretended to drink the stuff for Baylee’s sake. Why couldn’t Mom and Nick do the same?

“You just left him at the hospital?” he heard the Backstreet Boy question silently. Nick probably thought Baylee couldn’t hear them from where he was sitting, and Baylee wasn’t about to tell the man otherwise.

“Relax, he’s gonna be fine. The round of chemo was a lot stronger than usual, that’s why it took so long. Brian ended up with a fever, because of the high dosage. They promised they would lessen it the next time, end of story,” Mom replied irritated.

“Any reason they strengthened it?” Nick asked concerned and Mom sighed.

“Because the milder doses aren’t working. The chemo isn’t working anymore Nick, so they increased the dosage, because they don’t know what else to do,” Baylee heard the desperation in his mother’s voice and wanted to cover his ears. He didn’t want to hear about failing chemo’s anymore. He was sick and tired of the disappointment his family had to deal with every time Dad came back from the hospital to reveal the poison they had pumped into his body hadn’t worked a bit. He hated to see his father struggle through the after effects of the useless chemo’s and had prayed a hundred times that they wouldn’t have to go through this, but apparently, God didn’t bother listening to him.

“Has it grown?” Nick still wasn’t done with the interrogation, it seemed.

“Not as far as they could tell, which is a good thing, I guess,” Mom answered and Baylee finally breathed out. He had learnt that as long as the tumour didn’t grow, there was no reason to fear Dad getting worse.

“So you left him there all by himself?” Nick asked harshly and Baylee frowned, seeing his mother do the same. Nick appeared to be particularly hostage towards Mom, more than usual anyway. Mom noticed it too.

“For your information, Nickolas, I didn’t leave him all by himself. He was too out of it to notice I left anyway. His brother arrived two hours ago. He doesn’t have a car though, so I wanted to ask you to pick them up tomorrow, but never mind.”

Baylee smiled when he saw Nick open his mouth, thinking for a moment and then closing it again, clearly defeated. Mom could have that effect on people.

“What’s Harry doing here?” Nick asked instead.

“He knew about the chemo being done today. He’s being attentive, you should try that as well sometime,” Mom spoke slowly and Baylee felt the mood dropping drastically.

“Hey, I watched your kid today, didn’t I?” Nick offered and Baylee looked angrily at him.

“Oh please,” Mom answered exasperated.

“What?” Nick asked, angry now.

“Nothing, forget it,” Mom said sternly and turned around, coming to sit next to Baylee.

“No, say it,” Nick challenged, still standing by the sink.

“That’s not being attentive, that’s doing as you’re told. You would never have offered watching Baylee if Brian hadn’t told you to,” Mom was smart, too smart.

“You know about that?” Nick asked shamefully.

“Oh come on, I’ve known the two of you for how long? Of course I know about Brian trying to make you look good, as usual,” she answered and Nick looked at the ground. Baylee watched them both, suddenly interested.

“I thought you wouldn’t notice that,” Nick admitted quietly and Mom laughed. Baylee sighed, relieved. The disaster had been avoided. Nick came to sit opposite of him and started to dig into his sandwiches. Suddenly, he looked up.

“You want one?” he asked Baylee. The boy thought for a minute and then accepted the offer, though he wasn’t really hungry.

“Sure.”

“See? I can be attentive,” Nick sulked mockingly and the other two laughed.

“So will you pick up the two brothers tomorrow?” Mom asked after a while.

“Of course I will!” Nick replied exaggeratedly.

“Good!” Mom said, just as loudly. It made Baylee fall into a fit of laughter.

“Oh, before I forget, Larry called,” Nick informed nonchalantly. The heavy mood instantly returned and Baylee’s laughter died down abruptly.

“Oh?” Mom replied, trying to sound just as nonchalant, but failing miserably when Baylee saw the tension written all over her face. There was something else too, something Baylee couldn’t really place, but he knew that it should not be on his mother’s face. Nick knew that too and the Backstreet Boy began to frown deeply.

“Yeah, he said they’re wrapping up the project, and that they really miss you down in California,” Nick paused for a moment, letting the information sink in, “You should give him a call back.”

“Hmm, maybe later I will,” Mom replied uneasily. Baylee didn’t really know a lot about Larry, but it was enough to know that he didn’t like the guy. He’d shown up one day at their house, claiming he’d known Mom for years, and offering her a job in a project he’d been working at. Dad was still with the Backstreet Boys then and had insisted Mom would take this chance. He’d promised he was fine and she didn’t need to worry about him and Baylee. Baylee had loved touring with them through the country, just him and his dad in a hotel room, pretending they were kings of the world, just like they used to. After two weeks, Dad had been sent home though, voted out by the other band members. Baylee had understood why the Backstreet Boys had come to that decision, but apparently, his father hadn’t. He’d gone home anyway, very pissed off, and refused help from Baylee or from anyone else. He didn’t want to call Mom, claiming she should finish the project with Larry, and didn’t think she should come home because of him. Baylee wasn’t so sure, he’d sensed something off about Larry from the first moment he’d seen him. He hadn’t liked the way the man had looked at his mother, had thought that only dads were allowed to look at moms like that. Suddenly he knew what he’d read on his mother’s face. Guilt.

 

June 2013

She’d been standing a few feet from the stage when it happened. It had started out as just a normal rehearsal. There had only been a few fans watching that had won a contest or something, and Leighanne was still grateful for that. She didn’t want to think about the consequences if it had happened during a regular live show.  A shudder travelled over her body when she thought about it. Standing in the back room, she watched her husband trying to take slow, deep breaths, but failing terribly. The obvious pain was written all over his face and she felt the worry choking her breath. The panic she had experienced earlier had disappeared somewhat when she’d noticed Brian waking up. Some of the crew members had retrieved an oxygen tank from an unknown source, and it had helped him to regain consciousness, but it did nothing to relieve the agony he seemed to be feeling.

“Take it easy, baby, just breathe,” she instructed him softly, feeling him squeezing the life out of her hand. He looked helplessly at her and suddenly his eyes shut tightly when he jerked against another wave of pain hitting him.

“Can someone call 911 already?” she screamed at no one in particular. From the corner of her eye, she saw Nick, who’d been standing as if he were carved out of stone, shoot into action. Retrieving his cell phone from his pocket, he began dialling, but Howie stopped him.

“I called already, they’re on the way,” he informed grimly. He’d been left to talk to the managers and the other crew members, while Kevin went to get AJ from whatever spot he was hiding at. Leighanne had seen the bearded man lure Baylee away from the scene and hoped they would stay away until the disaster had slunk somewhat. She watched protectively as Nick came to stand on the other side of Brian, staring down at his friend fearfully, who was breathing shallow and heavily into the mask. Brian had closed his eyes again, but Leighanne could tell by the tight grip he kept on her hand, that he was still there with them.

“What the fuck is going on?” Nick demanded quietly, nervous, and Leighanne looked angrily at him. Didn’t he realize that no one had a single clue about what was going on? She couldn’t really blame him though, for Nick had been backstage when it happened. He’d probably only heard people screaming at him to get out of the way, when they had carried Brian inside. He hadn’t been there to see him sag like a ragdoll, in the middle of the stage. It had been one of the scariest things Leighanne had ever had to witness in her life. One moment, she’d watched AJ and her husband goof off, singing a deformed version of ‘Incomplete’, the next, Brian had grabbed his head and sank to his knees. At first, she’d thought it was a joke, cause you could never be too sure with Brian. She hadn’t realized what was happening until she saw AJ kneel beside her husband, yelling for help. Brian wasn’t joking, and it became all too obvious when he started screaming from the searing agony that was raging through his skull. Something was terribly wrong and no one had even the slightest idea on what to do. It wasn’t long until he blacked out and the whole arena became frighteningly quiet. A few moments later people finally seemed to jump into action and they had cautiously carried an unconscious Brian off stage. Leighanne had panicked completely, demanding AJ to tell her what was going on, not accepting the fact that he knew just as much as she did. AJ became fed up with her and when he saw Baylee walking behind the line of worried, but mostly curious people, he’d taken the boy and left the scene.

 

Deciding to ignore Nick’s desperate demands, she tried to focus on her husband again, whose grip on her hand was getting weaker. Trying to keep him awake, she shook his shoulder gently.

“Honey, you have to stay with us, can’t go to sleep yet, okay?” she explained soft, but urgently. His eyes shot open again and he stared at her with a blank look in his eyes. It scared the hell out of Leighanne. It was like he didn’t notice she was there, like he didn’t even recognize her. Stunned, she let go of his hand and watched speechlessly as his eyes rolled back and he gave into the darkness again.

 

 

 

 

End Notes:

I'm such a mean person. Please review and let me know what you thought of this chapter, cause I really feel that I need the feedback on this one.

thanks for reading!

25. One Step Closer by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

I figured Brian wouldnt be doing really well in the communication department while going through the chemo, hence the lack of dialogue in the 2015 part

 

enjoy anyway!

  1. One Step Closer

‘’Before you leave me now, tell me where the hell I am
Before you’re taken down, won’t you tell me once again

before you get the chance, don’t take away my memories
before you leave me now..’’

October 2015

Honestly, he didn’t have the slightest clue on what the man next to him was talking about, but he enjoyed listening to the sound of his voice. Now he came to think of it, he didn’t have the slightest clue on who the man next to him actually was. Normally, that would bother the hell out of him, but right now, he didn’t really mind. He was too tired to care about stuff like that.

The man was fairly talkative. Brian used to be talkative too, so they had that in common. The man was gripping his hand, squeezing it every so often to see if Brian was still awake. Brian opened his eyes slightly to confirm that, yes, he was still awake, and saw the man smile down at him, rubbing his fingers gently over Brian’s arm. Brian closed his eyes again and nodded to himself, deciding to trust the brown haired man. There was a small silence before the man continued his meaningless story. Brian didn’t understand the words he was saying. The fog in his head was too thick for that and he didn’t feel he had the energy to clear it up and make sense of his brother’s talk.

My brother.

Smiling to himself, he identified the person next to him, feeling like he’d just won a contest. Maybe, in some way, he did. A contest with myself.

Harry had probably seen the smile on his face, because he heard him starting to laugh loudly. He squeezed his brother’s hand, indicating for him to stop making so much noise. Brian didn’t do noise very well when he was tired, but he didn’t want Harold to leave. He felt much better than he had a few hours ago. He remembered the relief he’d felt when they’d finally taken the needle out of his arm. Harry hadn’t been there yet, or had he?

Anyway, he was certain there had been a woman, but she left some time ago. Probably because he hadn’t been the nicest company to be around. Not in the least when dr. Something told him he had to stay at the hospital. Not that he had complained about that, cause he was feeling way too sick to concentrate on anything but the indescribable nausea roaring in his stomach. That was probably the reason she left. He couldn’t really blame her, cause he’d never been a joy to be around after a round of chemo. Usually he was just a miserable excuse for a man. He’d never felt as miserable as he had this time though. She left and was replaced by his brother, who was once again telling a vivid story about whatever.

He listened on, feeling his attention slip more and more, while the fog was getting thicker and thicker. He wondered who the man talking next to him was.

 

 

 

 

June 1997

Love would come around and hit you in the face, especially when you didn’t want it to. He’d been feeling down for two months, forced to break up with his cheating girlfriend. He still couldn’t believe she’d actually been cheating on him, though he shouldn’t have been that surprised. His former girlfriend had also gone and cheated. And the one before that.

Maybe he was doing something wrong?

Had he not been dearly devoted towards them? Had he not tried to call them every time he could find a spot in his rushing schedule? Maybe you were not supposed to do that? Maybe you were supposed to be cool and mysterious? Maybe girls grew sick of you over time, if you were being too nice and attentive to them? But what was he supposed to do then? He wasn’t mysterious, or silent, or cool. In fact, he was too clumsy with girls to really make a difference. He was the guy all the girls would run to for comfort when their boyfriends had cheated on them. He’d been supposed to make them laugh, nothing else. In their eyes he was this genderless object that would make them feel better. Even Nick was better with women than him, and the kid was only seventeen. It was downright frustrating.

October 2015

He must have blacked out, cause the next thing he knew, he was placed gently on the backseat of a car. He heard the voices above him, but couldn’t make out the muffled sounds they were making. He saw them towering over him and recognized the brown haired man from earlier. He remembered the man being awfully talkative, but couldn’t think of a name that would even remotely sound familiar.

He tried to look up but stopped when he felt his head spinning and the all too familiar nausea come back. The blinding winter sun only made things worse and he did his best to turn around on his stomach, putting his face into the cool leather of the backseat. They were driving now and he held on to the seat for dear life with a deathlike grip, trying to keep himself steady, every bump and turn making his stomach churn. It took everything he had to make sure he didn’t throw up all over the Nick’s brand new car. Not that there was anything left to throw up anyway.  

Funny, how he recognized the car, but not the people in the front seats.

Hold on a second.

Nick’s car. No one was to drive Nick’s car, but Nick himself. So that automatically made the person driving Nick, didn’t it? Yes, it did, he decided when he took another good, long look at the back of the driver. It began to take on a somewhat familiar form and Brian sighed, relieved. He felt his heart rate slow down when he recalled that he’d known Nick for more than 22 years and that he trusted him with his life.  He really needed to stop the car now though.

He groaned miserably when he felt himself losing the battle against his stomach. He tried to warn Nick, but before he got the chance, his body started heaving. It didn’t even make sense. There was nothing left to throw up, only some foul-smelling bile, but apparently his body wouldn’t let that stop him from vomiting that all over the backseat. Fucking chemotherapy.

 

June 1997

“Dude, I’m bored,” Nick declared and he let himself sink next to his best friend on the sidewalk. The middle of June was hot and Brian could see the air vibrating in a distance. He had to fight the urge to take off the monkey suits they had been dressed in. He was sweating like a horse and it wasn’t even noon yet. There was no way of getting rid of the warmth in the leather jacket he was wearing and he was well aware of the fact that he was smelling worse than his great uncle Thomas. How terrific. Nick didn’t seem to mind that he was sitting next to a rotten eggs factory though, and looked at Brian expectantly.

“What?”

“What you wanna do? There’s still like two hours left before we have to start recording, you know,” Nick had a way of talking really fast whenever he had too much energy. Brian wondered where he’d gotten it from. He saw the light t-shirt the younger boy was wearing and felt jealous.

“Here,” he said, throwing the basketball they’d given him towards his brother. For some reason, Brian always ended up with a basketball from whoever thought he needed one. “Go nuts.”

“You’re not gonna play?”

“Hell no, it’s like ninety degrees out here and have you actually seen what I’m wearing?”

“Right, well, too bad for you!” the seventeen year old mocked and dribbled away. Brian watched him, envious. He wished he could play with him, but he knew he would probably pass out after five minutes. He was good at sports, but whenever the temperature rose above 85, he was done for. Why couldn’t he have been born with a normal heart?

“Hi, mind if I come sit next to you?” a sweet voice asked and without thinking, he indicated that it was okay.

“It sure is warm today,” the voice said and finally he looked up. Oh dear Lord. He felt a goofy smile forming on his face as he took in her long, blond hair, slim body and beautiful blue eyes. She smiled sweetly at him and extended her hand.

“Hi, my name’s Leighanne,” she introduced.

“I know,” Brian breathed, staring at her face. Don’t stare at her face! He shifted his gaze. Don’t stare at her breasts either! Well, she did have nice breasts. Looking at her face again, he saw her frown a little.

“Oh I mean, I wasn’t stalking you… God no… why would I do that?... I mean… it’s not that you’re not worth it or anything… it’s just… you… photo…” he stammered helplessly and felt his face slowly turn red, resembling somewhat of a tomato.

She smiled nicely at him, putting a hand on his knee. He tensed up when she came closer and her lips brushed against his ear. Motionless, he waited for her to do something.

“You’re cute,” she whispered and then turned away from him, just like nothing had happened. With open mouth, he watched her return to the other actresses, who had been watching from a distance and were now giggling and pointing at him. I feel like I’m sixteen, he thought, sitting up and straightening his jacket. He saw Nick, who had apparently also been watching, tramping towards him and the boy slapped him on the shoulder.

“And how he ever got Samantha Stonebreaker to go out with him, remains a mystery ‘til this day,” Nick declared seriously.

“Shut up Nick.”

 

October 2015

                His world was dark, but light stabbed his eyes. He couldn’t see anything beyond the blinding pain in his skull and willed the noises around him to quiet down. Someone was talking to him, but it seemed like the voice was coming from a far distance. It was smooth and calming though and it helped him settle down somewhat. He had no idea where he was or what had happened and he felt the familiar panic forming in his upset stomach. Maybe I’m home, he thought, but it didn’t smell like home.

                He winced when the stinking smell hit his nose, feeling a terrible sense of déjà vu overcome him. It surely wasn’t the first time for him to be lying in his own mess. He felt his stomach turn at the thought and instantly tried to push himself up, out of the nasty stuff. There was a hand on his chest though, pushing him back down. He wanted to tell the hand to cut it out, for didn’t it understand that lying in his own filth wasn’t his favourite occupation and that he needed to get out of it as soon as possible. The hand was awfully persistent though and Brian didn’t have the resources or strength to tell the hand to go away. The voice was back now too, and he figured it probably belonged to the hand, both right next to him. It was talking slow and softly to him and he realized it was trying to comfort him. He could only recognize one thing though.

                “Don’t move.”

                So he didn’t. He felt the cool hand touching his hot forehead and sighed in relief. Suddenly his head was lifted up and placed on a leg. The blood rushed through his ears and his head was spinning from the movement, but he had to admit that this was a much more comfortable position than the one he’d been in before. The voice was talking again, but this time it wasn’t directed at him.

“Harold, please hurry, he’s burning up!”

Harold. He felt like he knew someone named Harold, or should know someone named Harold anyway. But thinking about it made his head split in two, so he stopped doing it. Instead he tried to concentrate on the voice, that had turned to him once again.

“It’s alright, Bri, we’re almost there, hold on. You’re doing great, man, we’re almost home, okay?” the voice told him nervously and Brian finally found the strength to screw his eyes open.

“Nick? You doin’ here?” he rasped hoarsely. As far as he knew, Nick was in California.

He saw Nick’s sorrowful look and realized that he’d probably hurt the younger man. He couldn’t help it, the mist in his head clouding into area’s he’d never thought was possible. He felt himself slip into the welcoming darkness. No pain, no stench, no memories.

 

 

 

End Notes:

hope you liked it, please review, and tell me what you thought about this point of view... thanks for reading!

26. Come Alive by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

oh wow, the beginning is pretty depressing, so if that's not your thing, you better skip to the 2000 part

enjoy!

  1. Come Alive

 

October 2015

He’d been driving nervously for over ten minutes, trying to calm his raging mind, but feeling the anger still burn within him. Harry was sitting next to him, talking nonstop about his wife and children, and his happiness. Nick wasn’t really listening, because as it turned out, happiness didn’t actually exist. He realized that every time he glanced in the rear-view mirror and saw the curled up figure lying miserably in the backseat. Nick had thought Brian was happy, and maybe that had been true for a very long time, but he really didn’t want to think about his friend’s reaction if his suspicions were true. Brian would be totally devastated. Then maybe you shouldn’t tell him! No, Brian had a right to know. Besides, it wasn’t Nick’s fault Leighanne had decided to taste her chances elsewhere. Why should he keep it a secret then?

You’ll first need to know for sure! 

That seemed right. He wouldn’t tell Brian anything until he knew for sure.

Nick frowned, thinking about what he’d do if he ever found out Lauren having the guts to pull such a stunt on him. He’d always known she wouldn’t do that to him, or thought he had. He couldn’t be too sure, cause he’d also thought Leighanne would never do that to Brian. Nick fumed, cursing the woman who was purposely making his best friend’s life all the more miserable.

Ten minutes. That’s how long it took for Nick to rethink his strategy, for Harold to finish his story about a fishing trip with his father, and for Brian to actually keep the contents of his stomach in his stomach.

Nick had wanted to stop the car almost immediately  when he heard Brian’s violent retching. Something told him to get the vehicle off the road first though and when he’d found a place that was good enough to park his car, he’d turned off the engine and jumped out of the car. He went to stand next to Harold, who’d left the passenger seat earlier and watched helplessly as Brian struggled to get himself under control.

“Harry, you drive, I’ll get in the backseat with him,” Nick ordered urgently and swung the door to the back open. He scolded himself for not thinking about this setting in the first place. Slow and carefully he pushed Brian’s legs out of the way and knew it was a bad sign when the former Backstreet Boy didn’t even notice Nick touching him. Gently Nick lowered himself down besides his sickly friend  and noticed Brian trying to roll onto his back, lifting himself up. Trying to ignore the sour smell coming from the other side, Nick pushed his friend back down. Brian moaned weakly and Nick felt him shaking beside him, his breathing coming out in ragged, shallow gasps. He began talking soothingly to him, his hands making comforting circles on the troubled man’s back. He knew Brian didn’t understand a word from what he was saying, that his friend was only listening to the soft tones of his voice, but it did seem to work somewhat when Brian finally calmed down.

Suddenly the older man began to struggle though, trying to push himself up, probably noticing the smelling substance he’d just thrown up. Nick placed a hand on his chest, all the while keeping his voice low and steady.

“Don’t move.”

As by a miracle, his friend instantly became as still as a statue and Nick smiled, proud of the trust Brian seemed to have in him. His smile turned into a frown when he noticed the heat pouring off of his best friend. Nick put his own cold hand on Brian’s flaming forehead and winced. It almost felt like he’d been burnt! The fact that he had his own personal heater lying next to him, should have made him panic, but for some strange reason, it didn’t. Nick had never been really good in dealing with crisis’s, but somehow he knew exactly what he had to do. He gently lifted Brian’s head, let it rest on his own leg, while keeping his own cool hand on his friend’s head, and he heard him sigh in relief.

“There you go, that’s better, isn’t it?” he babbled softly. He didn’t get an answer and didn’t expect one. Instead he turned to the driver of the car.

   “Harold, please hurry, he’s burning up!” he urged his friend’s brother, who mumbled something back about already going 15 miles above speed limit. At that moment, Nick really couldn’t care less about speed limits, he just wanted to get home already, he wanted to get out of the stinking car, he wanted to get Brian out of the stinking car and into a clean bed, he wanted to yell at Leighanne for all of eternity.

“It’s alright, Bri, we’re almost there, hold on. You’re doing great, man, we’re almost home, okay?” he said nervously and felt Brian moving.

“Nick?” he heard him croak incredously, his eyes opening slightly, “you doin’ here?”

Nick sighed, helpless. If Brian only knew how many times he’d asked Nick that question this past week. At first he’d tried to explain his attendance to his friend every single time, but had given up eventually, knowing that on bad days it only took about 15 minutes for Brian to ask him the exact same question all over again. Looking down, he noticed his best friend had closed his eyes again, completely oblivious to the rest of the world.

Nick retrieved the fallen baseball cap from the floor and put it back on Brian’s head. When he reached back a little further, he felt the blanket he always kept under the backseat. Wordlessly he covered his friend with the thick fabric of the sheet. He felt the tears stinging his eyes when he recalled Brian doing the same to him over 22 years ago, in a forgotten, much happier universe, somewhere on a godforsaken airport at the beginning of their dreams.

“I’m going to miss you so much, brother,” he murmured brokenly.

Suddenly he hoisted Brian’s limp body up and hugged him tight, gently rocking them both. He put his chin on top of his friend’s head and started to cry hopelessly,  his tears fading into the fabric of Brian’s cap. I’m going to miss you so much…

 

January 2000

“You look like you’re gonna get married or something,” Nick mumbled and he saw Brian’s jaw drop in astonishment.

“How’d you know?” he exclaimed surprised.

Nick looked at him suspiciously, wondering whether Brian was serious or not. You could never know for certain with that guy. He had seen the dreamy look in his friend’s eyes and could now clearly see the glittering ring on his finger.

“No!” he exclaimed, just as surprised as Brian. It had only been a joke, commenting on the absent stare in his friends eyes as they rehearsed some of the dance steps for the upcoming tour.

“Yes!” Brian stated and the biggest grin Nick had ever seen, spread over his face. There had been many times Nick had wanted to smack his friend in the face for looking so ridiculously in love, but this time Nick figured that even a bulldozer could not wipe the goofy smirk off of Brian’s face.

“I didn’t mean… I… that was… seriously… wow…” he stammered perplexed.

“I know!” Brian declared and the smile grew even wider.

“You actually asked her?” Nick asked incredulously.

“I did! On Christmas Eve!”

“And she said yes?” Nick questioned still as unbelieving.

The smile faded a little. “Well, yeah.”

“Do you know what that means?” he asked seriously, looking Brian in the eyes.

“What?” his friend faltered uneasily.

“It means you’re gonna be with her the rest of your life…” Nick said in a threatening tone.

“Well yeah, that’s kinda the point of marriage,” Brian explained uncertainly.

“You’re only twenty four dude!” Nick exploded, “don’t you wanna, you know, explore your options?

“I’m not sure what you mean?” Brian stated, frowning.

“I mean, are you sure you want to be with her for the rest of your life?” It sure did not come out the way he had intended to and he winced when the words flew out of his mouth, seeing Brian’s frown grow deeper.

“Look, I know you don’t like her…”

“No, that’s not what I meant! She’s just… not my type…”

“Good, cause she’s mine now,’’ Brian declared and that was that.

“But still…” Nick lingered.

“Okay, I see. You want me to explore my fields? Way I see it, I really gotta take this chance, cause Leighanne is one of the only girls I’ve met that didn’t run screaming after I tried to ask her out,” Brian explained and Nick laughed. Now that he came to think of it, Brian was right. He remembered all the times he’d seen his friend return from battlefield, with a desperate and dumbfounded look on his face. Brian had always been a complete doofus when it came to asking out girls, and Nick had soon learned that Brian was not the one to go to for advice on the female gender.

“In that case, I can’t believe she said yes…” he stated jokingly.

“Me neither,” Brian admitted and they both started laughing.

 

October 2015

“Did you know it’s Halloween tomorrow?” Harry questioned and Nick looked up, shocked.

“No, I totally forgot!” he exclaimed dramatically and saw Harry looking weirdly at him. Well, it may not seem like a big deal to the older man, but it was a big deal for Nick! How could he forget his favourite holiday? Dressing up scary had always been one of his life goals, or rather year goals. Every year he’d tried to top the previous one, and now, somehow, he had forgotten.

“Okay, umm I was just saying,” Harry tried to reason when he saw Nick clasping a hand in front of his mouth. “It’s not that big of a…”

“It is that big of a deal!” Nick interrupted him hysterically.

“Okay well, I’m sorry,” Harry apologized quickly, looking nervously at the sleeping figure lying at the other side of the couch Nick was on. “You might not want to wake him up.”

“Oh, he’ll be fine,” Nick waved him off abruptly and Harry knew he was right. With the strong pain killers Brian had taken, he would probably not even wake up if a plane would crash right next to him. Harry smiled. His brother was finally sleeping peacefully and Harry did not want to disturb him now. He looked a hell of a lot better than he’d done when Harry had arrived at the hospital. God, he’d never seen such a mess as Brian. He hadn’t known what else to do than just tell his little brother all the senseless stories he could think off. He knew Brian calmed down when you talked to him, even though his brother wasn’t able to actually understand you. He knew, because it had been exactly the same as when his baby brother had been five. He’d been dying then too. It was all just a terrible déjà vu in Harry’s eyes.

“Do you know if Baylee’s gonna do Halloween this year?” He asked and saw Nick looking angrily towards him. “What?”

“Baylee’s gonna be a vampire, if you must know, in fact, they’re shopping for that now,” Nick answered enviously.

“Haha, maybe you can borrow one of Brian’s old costumes?” He tried to comfort the younger man in front of him, who, for some reason, had never entirely grown up.

“I could, if Brian had been five inches taller,” Nick pouted and patted the sleeping form next to him softly on the leg, “Just a little taller man, that’s all I’m asking of you.”

Harold laughed, remembering his brother had been so set on growing taller than him. He never did though, and Harry still mocked him every time for that fact. “You should have seen him when we were kids. He’d always been small for his age and our parents manipulated him into eating his vegetables, claiming he’d probably grow taller than me if he ate enough broccoli,” Harry remembered. Brian had been the perfect subject for him and Nick, just because he was the one that could not participate in the discussion. It seemed a bit mean, but Harry figured it wouldn’t hurt his brother. So he’d gone on telling jokes and stories about his brother that Brian would probably have never told Nick himself, just because of the fun of it.

They were interrupted by the phone ringing though and Harry picked it up, without thinking.

“Hi, this is Harold,” He introduced himself politely, as he’d learnt to do in primary school.

“Harold? Harold who?” A husky voice questioned. Harry sighed, rolling his eyes.

“Littrell, AJ, Littrell.”

He could almost hear the Backstreet Boy wrecking his brain for a suitable comeback. “The father or the brother?” he asked instead and Harry glared at the phone in his hands, seeing Nick’s eyebrows rise up in question.

“The brother,” he answered reluctantly and saw an understanding smile forming on Nick’s mouth.

“Oh hey man, how’re you doing?” AJ replied, trying to rescue what was left of his politeness.

“I’m doing pretty well, how are you?” Harry replied, wondering when they would be done with the small talk. He knew it took a lot for AJ to be calling to Brian’s house, and saying that he was curious for Alex’s reasons, would be an understatement.

“Umm, great. Listen, is Brian there?” AJ asked nervously.

“Yep, but he’s sleeping, so I don’t think you can talk to him right now,” he explained friendly.

“Oh okay…” he could hear the disappointment in the younger man’s voice.

“I’m really sorry dude,” he apologized and looked up when he noticed Nick staring questioningly at him. “Oh hold on, Nick’s here though, you wanna talk to him?” He figured that if AJ couldn’t get one Backstreet Boy on the phone, he might like to talk to another.

“Nick’s with you?” there was something close to astonishment in AJs voice and Harry frowned. “The son of a bitch!”

“Err, okay?” Harry answered uncertainly.

“So he did do it after all,” AJ mumbled shocked.

“Yeah, I guess. Hey, do you wanna talk to him or not?”

“I sure do,” the Backstreet Boy answered sternly.

Finally he handed an expecting Nick the phone. “Here, it’s AJ. Have fun and don’t fight.”

End Notes:

hope you liked it. please review and i will continue!

thanks for reading!

27. Communication Skills by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

yay! the plot thickens... or something like that. If you're still intrigued enough to read this, go ahead and have fun!

  1. Communication Skills

Nick wondered what AJ wanted when he saw Harry talking on the phone, looking a little annoyed. Suddenly the phone was shoved his way though and he didn’t know what to do.

“Here, it’s AJ. Have fun and don’t fight.” Nick wasn’t sure if he could accomplish that on both levels. He might have forgotten to tell AJ and the other band members where he’d been for the past six days and he wouldn’t be surprised if they were downright pissed with him now. Sure, he could have called, but how was he gonna make up a story about his broken shoulder?

“Hi,” he started, an octave higher than he’d intended. He scolded himself quickly, he’d never been afraid of AJ McLean, so why should he start now? Nevertheless, he felt his heart hammering in his throat as he waited for AJ to answer.

“Hi yourself,” the older Backstreet Boy replied impatiently, clearly waiting for Nick to explain himself.

“Look, I’m sorry I didn’t call, my batteries are dead man,” he made a lame attempt at an excuse and heard AJ scoff at him.

“And you couldn’t charge them why?”

“Cause I don’t have my charger with me?” Nick answered sweetly.

“Yeah, about that, the hell are you doing at Brian’s man?” AJ rushed really quick, as if not wanting anybody else to hear him.

“Well, I finally came to my senses and thought it was time to give him a visit. You should try that sometime too,” Nick advised, feeling fairly pleased with himself about his diplomatic answer. There was a long pause at the other end of the line and he could hear AJ sigh.

“I can’t. Brian’s mad at me,” AJ pouted and Nick rolled his eyes.

“Dude, he’s not mad at us anymore. In fact, I think he doesn’t even remember being mad at us in the first place.’’ Now that he said it out loud, it suddenly made perfect sense. There hadn’t even been a trace of anger in Brian when Nick had first shown up. He’d since wondered why, but had never thought of the obvious reason that Brian simply didn’t remember.

“Hmm, maybe you’re right. Anyway, we were looking for you!” AJ suddenly exploded.

“Why?”

“Why? Why?! Because you magically vanished from the face of the earth, that’s why! It’s been six days man, and we’ve got that meeting next Saturday, remember?”

“Oh yeah, about that…” Nick drawled, not admitting that he had totally forgotten next Saturday

“What?” AJ asked menacingly.

“I kinda broke my shoulder, so I gotta stay here.”

“Wait, one thing at a time, you broke what?”

“My shoulder,’’ Nick explained patiently.

“Naturally. Any reason why?” AJs voice became even more menacing now.

“Err, I fell down the stairs,” it even sounded dumb.

“You fell down… the stairs?”

“It’s what I did,” this conversation was clearly not going anywhere.

“You’re a klutz,” AJ stated solemnly.

“I’m Chaos.”

 

June 2013

The remaining Backstreet Boys had returned to their hotel rooms, not knowing what there was left to be said. They didn’t know what had been going on and couldn’t explain why their friend had collapsed all of a sudden. Of course, the media had immediately gotten wind of the situation, as they always somehow seemed to do, and had interrogated them to death. Nick had kept telling them that, no, as far as he knew there was nothing serious going on and that it was just a matter of waiting. The press wasn’t satisfied, as usual, and had pressed on, which is why they called it press, Nick figured.

“Is it his heart?”

Why did they always think that, Nick had wondered. Could it be his heart? Well, it could be his heart. Oh my God. What if it was his heart?

Up ‘til now he strangely hadn’t really worried about Brian, but God, what if it was his heart? No, it couldn’t be his heart, his heart was fixed. And from what Nick had heard, the pain had been in his head. It was probably just another migraine. Nick had known about them, but couldn’t remember when Brian started having them. But now that he thought about it, the attacks seemed to get more severe and more frequent as time went on.

Great, now he wouldn’t be able to sleep for tonight.

 

October 2015

“AJ? You still there?” Nick asked when it took the other man on the line too long to answer.

“Umm, yeah. Just had to get Ava off of the closet. Crazy girl climbs on anything.

“Then maybe you should train her better,” Nick joked half-heartedly. There was something he really needed to ask AJ, he just couldn’t think of a way to bring the question.

“She’s not a dog, Nickolas!” AJ scolded him fiercely and Nick smiled, always knowing how to tick his friend off.

“Oh really? Hey, can I ask you something?” Nick asked as sweetly as he could manage.

“That kind of depends,” AJ drawled hesitatingly.

“Do you have access to the internet right now?” Nick began and he saw Harry looking up briefly, then continuing the book he was reading.

“Well, it’s your lucky day kid, cause I do as a matter of fact have access to the world wide web,” AJ stated dramatically.

“Good, can you google something for me?”

“Sure,” AJ answered eagerly, getting curious now.

“Okay, search at Larry, err, Hitmen. Or Hitmen’s entertainment or something like that.”

“Ah, err, why?” AJ asked and Nick scoffed, frustrated.

“Just do it!”

“Okay, okay,” AJ said defensively, “got all his panties tied into a knot now,” he murmured quietly and Nick rolled his eyes.

“Does it say anything?”

“Well, give me a second okay? Ah, here it is. Hitmen’s entertainment company was a company aiming for theatrical productions, such as musicals, tragedies, drama’s, comedies and ballets,” AJ read. Nick sighed. Nothing useful there… hold on…

“Was?”

“Yeah. It says here that Hitmen had to sell the stuff due to bankruptcy.” AJ explained and Nick’s eyes grew wide, stunned.

“What? When?”

“About a year ago it seems.”

Fuck.

“Fuck…”

“Excuse me?” AJ questioned, offended.

“Okay, hold on, I’ll call you back okay? Oh, and I really can’t come next Saturday,” Nick rushed  impatiently.

“That’s fine. I’ll settle it with the guys. Nick?”

“Yeah?”

“I really think it’s noble what you did. You know, calling Brian and stuff? I wish I had had the guts to do that…” AJ mumbled dejectedly.

“I know. It’s okay, I’m sure he’d love it if you came by soon. He just had a really bad day today though,” Nick said, remembering the fear he’d felt in the car.

“I will, hey what’s the deal with Hitmen?”

“Bye AJ,” Nick replied quickly and cut off the call. In his eyes, he had now all the information to justify his own little investigation.

“Hey Harry, do you know something about a Larry Hitmen?”

 

 

 

End Notes:

please review :)

28. Escape Of The Century by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

oh dear, hope this clears up a little more.

  1. Escape Of The Century

Swiftly she swerved through the shopping malls, dragging her reluctant son with her in their pursuit of the perfect Halloween costume. She didn’t understand what was wrong with him lately. He seemed distant towards her, more drawn to his father than his mother. Maybe it was because she’d constantly been away from him, leaving the child in the care of a seriously ill husband. She hated herself for doing that. She’d been weak, selfish and most of all, she’d been terribly scared. She had needed a way out, a backup plan. Brian had given her his blessing to go fairly quickly, probably glad she had gotten out of his hair. Not that there was any of it left.

She hadn’t been used to this. She was used to happiness, a rich life, with a lot of friends, a lot of love, and a lot of hope. She had achieved everything she had ever wanted to achieve and then some more. She had always wanted to become famous, one way or another. She’d always wanted to marry a sweet and devoted guy, preferably a famous one. She’d always wanted to start her own business, doing something she loved. She’d always wanted to be a mother to a baby boy. Her life couldn’t have been more perfect. She’d loved living. She’d loved her life. But from that one Friday in June, two years ago, her life had begun it’s crashing downfall.

She sighed exasperatedly and turned around, facing her son. “Now you listen to me, Baylee Littrell,” she spoke sternly and Baylee just glared at her, with that knowing look. Was she just imagining things, or did he really know. Maybe she was getting a little too paranoid.

“We’ve been to I don’t know how many shops, and you still haven’t decided on a costume. You do know Halloween’s tomorrow, right?”

“I told you, I want to be a vampire!” was all Baylee had to offer.

“Ha! Don’t act like we haven’t seen a hundred vampire costumes already,” she told him impatiently.

“They’re all stupid,” the child sulked. In many ways, Baylee had underwent a complete transformation from an outgoing, cheerful little kid, to a brooding, sulky teenager. Leighanne suspected it had something to do with his father.  

“Okay look, if you don’t choose something from the next store, we’re going home and you’ll have to stay at home at Halloween, is that what you want?”

“I don’t care,” he suddenly yelled and tore his hand loose from her grip. “Just leave me alone!”

“Baylee! What in Christ’s name is the matter with you?” she exclaimed, astonished.

“What’s the matter with me? What’s the matter? You really don’t know, or are you just too stupid?”

“Excuse me?” she yelled hysterically. She couldn’t believe him. Was this still her baby boy?

“You can stop pretending mom! I know all about it! I finally figured it out! I can’t believe you! He’s not even dead yet! I fucking hate you!” he shouted, out of control and for once in her life, she didn’t know what to say as she watched her son tramping away from her.

 

May 2014

From the moment they had gotten the diagnosis, she’d seen her husband falling into a deep gap of denial. Apparently he’d decided all on his own that there was nothing wrong, that he could just continue living the way he had before. Like it would just go away if he waited long enough. For a long time, she’d been the only one besides him that knew about the tumour. He hadn’t wanted to tell his band mates about the thing in his head that was torturing him more and more each day. He had resolutely left the hospital two days after the grim news and had gone back to the hotel the other guys were staying at.

Brian had never handled being sick really well, let alone being really sick. He’d pretended he was just fine when he was with his friends and whenever they became worried, he’d waved them off, or told them to mind their own business. They had watched him change from their well-known brother, to a plagued and tortured soul who had been building a huge wall around him consistently. He used to be nice, careless and mild-mannered, unable to get mad and avoiding everything that even remotely looked like a fight. Used to be. Slowly but surely they had noticed Brian being short-tempered, distant and rather forgetful. He was seen wearing the same baseball cap nearly everywhere they went and kept looking worse as time went by. For one long year he’d kept his illness a secret, stealthily receiving the medication he absolutely couldn’t do without, all the while making sure no one followed him on his trips to the hospital. There had come a point where he couldn’t lie anymore though.

There had been a lot of plans to beat the malignant mass of cells, slowly but steadily growing inside his head, oppressing the healthy cells and continuously worsening the pressure on his brain. In the beginning there was a lot of hope. Sure, the tumour was too big, too far away to be operated on. But maybe, with enough medication in the form of chemo’s, maybe with enough radiation therapy, the cancer could be reduced. They’d clung to that hope desperately, and it worked. At one sweet day, almost a year after the diagnosis, the doctors had declared his brain ‘operable’. There was only one small problem though, now he needed to tell his friends and family.

He would never forget the shocked look on Nick’s pale face, or the silent, sad understanding in Howie’s eyes, the sheer despair in Kevin’s expression or the disbelieving, husky tone of AJs voice.

“No…” was all he’d said, but it was enough to express the emotion and desperation he was feeling. Brian had called this meeting suddenly and he’d had no clue on the reason why. Sure, Brian had been acting strange for a long time now, miraculously forgetting lyrics to songs, or dance-steps during routines they’d sung and danced for years. He’d often appeared disconnected, had trouble finding the right words to express himself and seemed more mature, more serious than he had in all the time AJ had known him. Deep inside, he had suspected something being wrong with his friend for a long time, but to hear it out loud now, made it just too real. He watched breathlessly as Brian finally removed the cap from his head. AJ had tried to grab it in the past, but Brian had seemed to become animalistic when someone even came near his head. Seeing his hairless skull now revealed one of the most terrible truths AJ had ever had to face.

                “Don’t worry. I’m going to be okay now. They just have to do this surgery, and then this all will be over,” Brian assured them quickly, desperately.

AJ wanted to yell at him. How could he not have told them? Were they not his brothers? Weren’t they supposed to know when this kind of stuff was happening to their friend? But AJ already knew the answers to those questions. He knew Brian didn’t like to talk about the things that were really bothering him, knew his friend would do his very best at all the jokes he could think of, just to hide the pale seriousness of his situation. He had seen it before, and had a feeling that he would see it again.

Before he had the time to yell though, he watched Nick stand up slowly and saw how the blond left the room wordlessly. Howie made an attempt at going after him, but AJ stopped him abruptly.

“Leave him, he’ll be fine,” he assured, his eyes not leaving Brian’s form.

“So, brain tumour huh?” he decided to get to the bottom of things.

“Yeah,” there was a short pause, “but not for long anymore.’’ AJ almost laughed. Brian sounded so sure, so serious, speaking the words slowly to not make any mistakes. He figured it was not a laughable situation though.

“When’s the surgery?” He asked sternly.

“In three weeks, June 5th if I remember correctly,” Brian answered reluctantly and AJ wondered what the hell he needed to assume when he heard Brian speak the word ‘remember’ now.

“Good, we’ll be there,” he promised and saw Kevin nod slightly, still dazed. AJ had noticed that the moment the word ‘cancer’ was mentioned, the oldest of the group had shut down. He still hadn’t moved a muscle or said a word. “You just make sure you’ll be there too,” AJ added and looked Brian in the eyes.

“I will do my very best,” Brian assured quickly and smiled slightly, genuine. AJ realized he hadn’t seen his friend doing that in a  really long time.

 

 

End Notes:

hope you liked it, please review :)

thanks for reading

29. Happy Family by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

yay! hug!

enjoy!

  1. Happy Family

His life sucked. His dad was sick, his mom was cheating and his dog got killed. Baylee didn’t know what else could go wrong now, and felt the tears streaming down his face  as he ran along the busy streets of Atlanta. He didn’t care where he was or where he was going to. He’d left his mother standing in the middle of the mall, perplexed. He still couldn’t believe what she’d done. She didn’t even need to say it, he could see it in her eyes. It was clear as daylight, the silent, defeated confession hidden so well before, but shining so bright now.

He stopped briefly, panting, and took in his surroundings. He realized immediately that he was not supposed to be here when he saw the people around him looking at him eagerly.  They were closing in on him, filthy and underfed, admiring the expensive clothes he wore and grabbing at the exceptional golden watch his grandfather had given him for his birthday last year. Granddad had tried to make him believe that the gift actually came from his father, but Baylee had known better. He’d known his dad had forgotten his birthday. He’d been unbelievably mad, and he knew he shouldn’t have been now, but he couldn’t help it. He hadn’t been as mad as he was now though.

Fuck off!” he yelled at the small crowd surrounding him and watched proudly how they shrunk back. See, I can take care of myself.

He began running again, trying to find somewhere he could be in silence, because honestly, he had no idea where he was. He had thought that he could get home by himself, that he actually knew the way back, but he didn’t. Atlanta was big, bigger than he remembered and he hadn’t really been paying attention in the car on their way to the shopping centre.  Slowing his pace, he could see he was approaching a park and slumped down on one of the benches, feeling like he had run a marathon. He really needed to do more sports and less videogames. Catching his breath, he hoped he had gotten out of the bad part of town.

“You wanna buy, you wanna buy?” A short, Indonesian man approached him with what seemed like a thousand sunglasses. Baylee tried to ignore him, but the man was persistent, shoving the shades into his face with a hopeful expression. He tried to shuffle back to the other side of the bench, but the man wouldn’t let him go. Baylee frowned, figuring he really didn’t need any sunglasses, since it was October and that if he did buy them, the place would soon be crawling with all of Indonesia’s friends, robbing him everything he had on him. His dad had told him that once, when they had been in Spain, he’d bought a cap from an Indian dude, and they had taken his wallet and punched him in the face. Baylee didn’t know if he believed the story, but wasn’t ready to take it into an experiment. Smiling politely, he inched back a little further, ‘til he reached the edge of the bench and then took off running again, finally reaching the edge of town and sliding down against a tree. He regretted running away immediately and wished his mom was there to pick him up. By now she’d probably already called the police. They were already searching for him, right?

After a while, Baylee figured he didn’t want to trust entirely on his good luck and decided he would find his way back to the shopping centre by himself. Sure, Atlanta was a big city, but it wasn’t a complete chaos, was it? There were probably signs that told him where to go, right? He sure hoped so, as he stood up, brushing the fallen leaves from his jacket and looked around. The street was long and lonely, not a soul in sight and Baylee sighed as he slowly made his way back, trying his hardest to remember the exact way he’d come here and how he needed to get back.

 

June 2014

He’d never seen so many tubes and needles in one person. That said a lot, because he had watched Grey’s Anatomy and ER. Frightened, he shrunk back, clutching his mother’s hand feverishly.

“Can we go home?” he asked and hated himself for speaking the question out loud. Mom turned around slowly and he could see the compassion in her eyes. He knew that this was hard for her, but at least she had known. They had only told him about what was going on with his father two days ago, the day of the surgery. Baylee wasn’t an idiot, he knew brain tumours were bad news. He’d been watching Grey’s Anatomy after all and when for some reason, whenever dr. Sheppard needed to do an operation, people died. But Dad hadn’t died. They’d been promised that one of the best neurosurgeons of the country was taking care of Brian and that the expectations weren’t all that grim. When Baylee had asked if the doctor was better than dr. Sheppard, his mother had laughed and assured him that, yes, he was a lot better, but unfortunately a lot less handsome. As he looked at his father now though, Baylee couldn’t help but feeling horribly scared.

“Oh honey, I know he looks a little scary, but it’s just to make sure he’s getting better, you know that, right?” Mom had said softly. It didn’t help anything to calm his nerves down. Only thinking about how the doctors had cut into his father’s brain to scrape and burn away some evil part of it, made him feel nauseous. He felt awfully reluctant to enter the dark room, but his mother dragged him with her. The room smelled of sterility and medication, and Baylee took a step back, refusing to go any further. He shook his head nervously, trying to break free of his mother’s grasp on his hand. He wanted to run, get out of the hospital and go home.

“No, please, I don’t want to…” he pleaded desperately. Mom turned around again, a little more irritated by his behaviour now and reprimanded him strictly.

“Baylee Thomas Wylee Littrell, your father would just like to see you. Can you be a brave boy and just say hi?” she asked sternly. Baylee didn’t answer.

“She’s right, you know,” a soft voice called weakly, a few feet away from them. Baylee looked up quickly and saw that his father had opened his eyes slightly, looking at them, clearly amused. “You’re not scared of me, are you?” he asked, raising what used to be his eyebrows.

“I’m sorry,” Baylee mumbled shamefully and looked at the ground.

“It’s alright Bay. Come here,” Dad invited and stretched out his hand. Baylee hesitated for a second, but then slowly inched closer to the bed and took his father’s hand. Dad smiled encouragingly at him and he smiled back, feeling a little better.

“See, I’m still me,” his father stated and looked up at him, expectantly.

Baylee nodded slightly and allowed himself to relax. This was his father after all. Sure, he may not look like it, with the pale skin and the countless bandages, tubes and wires surrounding his head, but Baylee did his best to look beyond that.

“Say, can I get a hug?” Dad asked and Baylee complied. Carefully avoiding all the medical hardware hooked up on Dad, he gently pressed his face into his father’s chest, feeling Dad’s arms surrounding him. Baylee smiled in relief, for beyond the smell of sterility and medication, Dad still smelled like Dad, and that was good enough.

 

 

End Notes:

hope you liked it, please review for more chapters!

thanks for reading

30. Tense Talk by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

enjoy!

  1. Tense Talk

He woke up to the arguing voices of his brother and his friend. Opening his eyes, he stared at them for a minute, annoyed. They clearly didn’t notice him and went on in their seemingly senseless debate about whatever. Ignoring the crazy spinning in his head, he got himself in an upright position and when that didn’t help to get their attention, he cleared his throat.

Nick and Harry turned around simultaneously and stared at him, startled.

“Oh hey, Brian,” Nick noticed lamely.

“Hey Nickolas,” Brian replied brusquely. “Mind explaining yourselves?”

“Oh it’s nothing,” his friend said quickly, “Harry just bet that the Buccaneers would never win it from the Falcons, right Harold?” Nick hastily poked the other man in his ribs.

“Ow! Yep, yeah, that is… what I said,” Harry drawled nervously and Brian watched him, suspicious. Finally he sighed and shook his head.

“And you couldn’t keep it down? I was kinda sleeping here,” he stated groggily. He couldn’t believe they woke him up over this.

“Just tell your brother that The Buccaneers totally own anybody’s asses, especially The Falcons’, and then we all get to sleep soundly tonight,” Nick declared and looked hopefully at his friend.

“Whatever,” was all Brian had to offer, standing up slowly, he looked them both in the eyes. “I’m going to get some water and painkillers, you guys just make sure you don’t kill each other over basketball,” he warned and stumbled out of the living room.

“It’s football!” he heard Nick yell after him.

“I don’t care,” he yelled back and smiled. Of course he knew it was football. Once he’d reached the sink, he opened the cabinet and searched through the bright collection of pills.  They came in all kinds of sizes and colours, and had the most unsown names. Brian didn’t need to pronounce them though, he only needed to know what they were for. He’d decided that as long as he could figure that out by himself, he didn’t need any help from outside. There were pills to prevent migraines, dizziness, nausea, seizures and hallucinations. He rummaged through them, trying to sort the ones he needed in a logical order. After taking a deep breath, he started swallowing the right ones and leaned back when he was finished. He could hear the voices of the other two rise in the living room again and closed his eyes, already feeling the headache forming. Concentrating, he tried to hear what was being said, wondering since when Harry had suddenly become interested in football.

“Tell him… even for sure… she do that… wait!” he heard his brother yell, clearly frustrated.

“… get away with this!” Nick shouted back angrily. Brian frowned, getting the nauseating feeling that they were lying to him.

“…not at all… none of your business.”

Straightening himself he walked to the door, deciding it was time to interfere.

 

June 2014

“You’re gonna be okay now?” he felt, rather than heard Baylee ask against his chest.

“I sure am, bud!” he assured his son and smiled. “You wanna sit on the bed?”

Baylee hesitated, and Brian could tell he was contemplating whether he was too old to climb in his father’s bed or not. Within a few seconds though, the kid had made up his mind and jumped rather roughly on the bed.

“Ouch!” Brian yelled and the child looked up, shocked.

“I’m sorry!” he apologized fearfully and Brian ruffled his short curls.

“Don’t be, I was just kidding,” he smiled. To be honest, he couldn’t feel anything from all the medication they were pumping into him. Sighing contently, he realized he hadn’t felt this good in a long time. If only he could manage to stay awake for longer than ten minutes, though.

 

October 2015

“You know, you two seem to get along very poorly these days,” Brian commented lightly on the two bickering men in the room.

“Well, we would get along if your brother would admit that the Buccaneers rule!” Nick stated fiercely.

“What is it with you and football?” Brian wondered, sitting down on the couch.

“Hey, you hurt the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, you hurt me,” Nick informed with a frown, glaring at Harry, who had once again a dumbfounded look on his face.

“I’m worried about you. You might be a little too fanatic,” Brian said, wondering if they were still talking about football, “If you two would just shut up now, basketball is on, a real sport.” He promptly turned on the television.

Nick scoffed and turned to Harry with a ‘I-just-saved-our-asses-again’ look. Harry stared back, irritated and went to sit next to his little brother.

“So, you, ummm, feeling better?” he asked uncertainly.

“Lots,” Brian replied curtly, having only attention for the game on TV.

“Wow, now I know why Leighanne complains about your short attention span so much,” Harry stated jokingly.

“She’s got nothing to complain about,” Nick mumbled angrily, making sure Brian didn’t hear him. Harry heard though and turned towards him with an angry glare.

“Shut up,” he mouthed. Nick pressed his lips together and glared back. The staring match went on until the phone rang.

“I’ll get it!” Nick announced and jumped towards the phone, before Harry could even move. Hoping it was AJ again, he introduced himself quickly, “Hey, it’s me!”

“Nick?”

“Oh, hi Leighanne,” he replied sourly and saw Harold’s eyes getting bigger. When Brian heard the name of his wife he looked up too, wondering why Leighanne would call if she was just shopping in the city.

“Oh yeah, he’s right here, seems to feel a lot better,” Nick chatted and Brian rolled his eyes. Just come to the point.

“Hold, slow down, you what?” Nick suddenly exclaimed, tearing the last bit of attention Brian had had for the basketball game away and focusing it on him and the phone.

“How on earth did you manage to do that?” Nick asked angrily, dodging Harold, who was desperately trying to get the phone out of his hands. Brian stared at the scene in front of him, not knowing what to make out of it. Is it just me, or are those two acting really strange?

“Well, he can’t have gone far now, can he?” Nick stated, unsure.

“Nickolas Carter! Give me that phone!” Harry yelled frustrated.

“Yes, I know Atlanta’s a big city! You should have watched him!” Nick growled into the horn. Brian flinched. The nauseating feeling he’d had all day was coming back full force as he realized what the conversation was about.

“Yes, alright… I’ll be right there… Wait! What car do I bring?” Nick asked suddenly.

“Nick!” Harry was almost jumping up and down now, trying to get the attention he needed.

“Not tell your husband?” Nick looked swiftly at Brian, “You’re a bit too late for that, I think he already knows,” he informed her.

“I can’t bring my car! We had a… minor incident on the way back…” Brian tore his gaze away and looked at the ground, embarrassed.

“No, nothing I couldn’t handle,” Nick stated proudly. “Never mind, alright? I’ll just take Brian’s car. Wait, is that an automat?” he asked hopefully, looking at his friend. Brian shook his head dismissively.

“Fuck! What is it with you and antique cars? Why can’t you drive automatic transmissions, like all Americans?” Nick exclaimed frustratingly, not realizing he was still on the phone. “No, not to you! I… no… never mind… I’ll be right there… yeah… bye.” When he finally hung up the telephone, he found two pair of curious blue eyes staring a hole right through him.

“I gotta go, she lost Baylee somewhere in the city,” he stated hatefully.

“Take me with you,” Harold ordered sternly.

“Me too,” Brian said, not leaving room for discussion.

“Oh no, I don’t want you puking all over the car again,” Nick reminded him abruptly.

“Ha! As if you have never thrown up in a car!” Brian challenged.

“I don’t see what that has to do with anything!” Nick defended.

“I just had chemotherapy, what’s your excuse?”

“Err, alcohol?” Nick answered defeated.

“I’m coming with you guys,” Brian stated.

“I’d rather you stay here,” Harry tried.

“It wasn’t a question.” Brian looked like he could blow the two taller men off their feet with only the stubborn gaze in his eyes.

“You, you sure?” Nick stammered.

“You can’t stop me. He’s my son. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t do the same if you were me.” End of discussion. Nick cursed Brian’s stubborn attitude, but finally relented.

“Alright, but I can’t drive your freaking car,” he informed his friend.

“That’s okay, I’ll help you, you dimwit.” 

 

 

End Notes:

hope you're still interested. For more chapters, please review!

thanks for reading!

31. Somewhere To Belong by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

ahh, it's cute. 

enjoy!

  1. Somewhere To Belong

Nope, this was not what he’d had in mind every time he’d thought about being on his own. More than once he’d wanted to prove to the world that he was more than just the ‘son of’ Brian Littrell. But now that he was all alone, he wouldn’t mind getting a little help. If he’d only had his cell phone with him, this whole damn thing wouldn’t have happened. But no, mom thought he’d been too distracted by the device that she had taken it away from him. He felt another bout of anger coursing through him as he trudged across yet another parking lot. Why does Mom have to ruin everything?

Angry and helpless tears glistened on his face when he paused mid-step and realized that he’d already been there before. I’m going in circles. Sitting down against the wall of a local supermarket he willed himself to calm down and think. Did he cross this supermarket while he was running away, and if so, what direction had he come from? Baylee sighed, frustrated and looked around him once more, his eyes darting over the various details of the parking lot, trying to remember. Now I know how Dad must feel sometimes. His father could lose his way in their own house. Baylee stood up and made his way into the supermarket. He’d made up his mind, and had decided it was time for some desperate measures. When he reached the counter, he tried to put on the sweetest face he could manage and stared at the young cashier.

“Hi sweetie, can I help you?” she said in a soft voice.

Baylee stared sweetly at her for a couple more moments, cursing himself inwardly for having to do this. “Umm, I lost my mom…” he said in a small voice, as piteous as he could. Those acting classes do come in handy after all.

“Oh, honey. I’m sorry. Is she here at the shop? What does she look like? Do you want me to help you find her?” Dear God no, when she finds out who my mom is…, Baylee thought and abruptly turned away from the girl, already regretting he talked to her in the first place. Mom had taught him not to talk to strangers when she or Dad wasn’t there with him.

“Young man, can you tell me where you last saw her?” she called after him and he turned to face her again. She did have a good point.

“In a shopping mall in the centre,’’ he replied and gazed into her eyes, daring her to say anything about that.

“The centre?” she wondered. “Then how’d you end up here?”

Baylee sighed exasperatedly. “Well, I ran obviously.” He answered, not tearing his eyes away from hers.

“You ran?”

“Yeah, I ran, can we just get over this and come to the point where you tell me how I can get back to the centre?” He was totally done with acting young, lost and innocent. It was time to get things done now. Dad had told him more than once that he had a surprising big vocabulary for someone his age, and he figured now was the time to let it shine in all its glory.

“I don’t know, I feel kinda uncomfortable letting you go off alone,” she hesitated and Baylee frowned, annoyed.

“Oh please, I may not look like it, but I’m thirteen, you know, I can deal by myself,” he assured her quickly. There was nothing like lying about your age to get what you wanted. So what if he talked himself a month older, it wasn’t like she was gonna figure it out.

“Well, okay then,” she seemed a little offended and Baylee smiled innocently again, “just go round the counter, third alley to the ummm, right, follow all the way through, go left, walk about three miles and you’ll be in the main shopping street. I’m not sure which mall you’re supposed to go, though…”

“Oh, I’ll find it from there on, thanks!” he showed her a beaming smile and turned to leave.

“Hey, do I know you from somewhere?” he heard her wonder behind his back.

“Nope!” he yelled back and left the supermarket.

 

February 2008

They would never find him in here! He giggled in excitement, unable to keep himself quiet. He’d been bored, watching Daddy perform and had slipped from underneath his mother’s unsuspecting arms and ran through the arena’s hallways on his short legs, to find the perfect hiding spot. Whenever Daddy wasn’t working, which didn’t occur that often, he and Baylee would play hide and seek. Baylee was getting  quite good at it. Feeling like he had hit the jackpot, he climbed onto a table filled with all sorts of delicious munchies, and began stuffing his face.

He knew he was being a bad boy. Mommy would be very mad if she saw him eating so much chocolate, but he couldn’t help it. The chocolate seemed to call out to him, he just had to eat it, just had to. Faintly, he could still hear the music Daddy and his friends were making, vibrating through the room. That wasn’t right. Whenever you were playing hide and seek, Daddy had told him, you were supposed to get as far away as you could get and you had to find the most unreachable spot you could find. Reluctantly, he put the half-eaten chocolate cookie back on the plate and wandered out of the room again.

He tried to stay as far away from the music as he could. It was like his Daddy was counting to twenty, but then very loudly, and with music, and Baylee had to get away as quick as possible, cause if he didn’t, Daddy would reach the number twenty and Baylee would still be there and he’d lose. Baylee did not want to lose, because he always lost. Probably because by now Daddy had already figured out that Baylee’s favourite hiding spot was behind the second tree on the right in their backyard. The tree was very big and he loved to climb it, though Mommy said he shouldn’t if he didn’t want to break his legs. Baylee didn’t know what that meant, but it didn’t sound pleasant. So now he was only allowed to climb it if Daddy was near. There were no trees in sight in the arena though, but there was something else.

A bright, exultant smile lit up his young features as he watched the elevator in front of him. He’d been in one before, thousands of times, but he’d never been in one alone. The thought of taking the elevator to bring him on another floor, further away from the music, excited him so much that he squealed out loud and pushed the button repeatedly, impatient. When the doors finally opened, Baylee’s eyes got big and he slowly and solemnly walked inside, gazing at the interior. Before he could move, he saw the doors closing again, and screamed. He’d made up his mind and decided that he wasn’t brave enough to ride the elevator on his own yet. Running towards the closing doors, he tried to get out of the elevator, but before he could do so, the doors were closed and he was trapped.

“Mommy!” he yelled, feeling the steel cage beginning to move upwards.

When the elevator finally reached its attributed floor slowly, Baylee had pressed himself against the back wall, his eyes pressed shut, whimpering slightly. He heard the doors open again and shot out of the cage, like a rocket. He flew past a woman with a notebook in her hands, who spun on her heels, a bewildered expression on her face.

“Young man! No running in these hallways!” she scolded him.

He didn’t listen and picked up his pace again. He stumbled, almost fell on his face, but managed to land on his butt instead. Without giving it a second thought he picked himself up, not looking back. Elevators are evil! Entering the first room that came in sight and wasn’t locked, he let himself slide down against the wall, closing the door. Suddenly he felt the excited feeling he’d had before come back. They were never gonna find him in here!

 

October 2015

Sighing with immense relief, he saw the familiar shopping mall looming up in front of him. He gave a short laugh and thanked the Lord for getting him back safely. This was it. He was just gonna walk inside, straight up to his mom and, well, he was gonna pretend that nothing had happened.

Baylee sighed. Mom and him had been on the seventh floor when he’d ran off on her and he figured that descending the staircase was a lot less exhausting than it was ascending the same staircase. He eyed the elevators suspiciously. Elevators are evil! He felt the old fear he’d had as a child come back again, decided that his condition could use the extra boost and headed for the staircase.

Panting, he reached the seventh floor and cursed the mall for having elevators instead of escalators. Puzzled, he looked around, trying to remember where exactly his mother and he had parted. With a defeated sigh, he lowered himself behind a big potted tree, burying his face inside his hands. Mom was nowhere in sight.

 

 

End Notes:

hope you enjoyed, review please for more chapters.

thanks for reading!

32. Seeking What Was Lost by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

yay, I'm rather proud of this chapter, so... yay!

enjoy!

  1. Seeking What Was Lost

Brian scoffed discontent, his nostrils flaring as he watched sulkily how the other three disappeared from sight, parting in every direction and leaving him on the seventh floor by himself. He felt useless. After a brief consultation that he’d been excluded from, Harry had decided that they shouldn’t have Brian wandering throughout the mall on his own, and what if Baylee decided to come back here? So maybe there was some truth in his words, but that didn’t mean he had to agree with it, did it? Why did he always have to listen to Harold anyway? He was sick of it. He was sick of people supposedly knowing what was best for him, his whole life through. Didn’t he get a say so? Wasn’t this supposed to be his life?

Sighing, he leaned his head back on the bench next to the fountain, letting the cool water spatter his warm forehead. He reached inside his pocket, feeling his fingers wrap around the small bottle of pain pills. He closed his eyes, hating himself for becoming so depended on painkillers whenever he’d just had a chemo, but he knew that without them, the pain would become unbearable. Now he just had to make sure he kept his mind sedated at all times. He remembered that one time he had forgotten to bring the pills and shuddered, not wanting to recall the explosive agony that had been given free access inside his skull that day. It had been the first and the last time he’d been forced to experience the hallucinations a brain tumour could cause, and it had surely taken a lot for him to realize that he wasn’t losing his mind. That the horrific images his evil brain had been showing him, weren’t real. He had been that close to falling into complete insanity. He cursed the moment. The moment that had started the nightmare all over again. Just when he’d thought he’d been clean, free and healthy, the cancer had reared its ugly head to bring him down once and for all. Exactly four months after the surgery, his head had split open to tell him that no, he was not alright. Four months of careless happiness, four months of beautiful facilitation. All ripped apart in one swift moment of dizziness, pain, and every horror character he’d ever seen in a movie. He remembered the pure terror that had washed over him, barely able to hear Leighanne’s frantic voice above the chaos and finally he’d blacked out. Waking up in a hospital had made him realize that yep, it was on again and he and his wife had listened numbly to the instructions of his oncologist, instructions he was already familiar with, but this time, they were a lot less optimistic.

With a deep breath, he leaned back forward, letting his head rest on his hands. He wondered why it was so warm in here when it was October. It was October, wasn’t it? Checking his watch just to be sure, he looked up, seeing two women staring and pointing at him from a distance, a shocked look on their faces.

Fuck.

With a half-hearted smile, he acknowledges them with a nod of his head, hoping that they wouldn’t take that as an invitation to come over. He could almost imagine the conversation that he must have provoked out of the two ladies.

“Isn’t that…?”

“Nah, that can’t be him, I haven’t seen him down in Atlanta for ages!”

“It does look a little like him…”

“I guess, I’ve seen him in better days though…”

“Didn’t he leave the Backstreet Boys a while ago?”

“I don’t know, did he?”

“Yeah, wonder what he’s been up to, poor dear looks like he’s gonna fall over any minute.”

“Yeah, they do turn the heat up in this mall. It’s like a sauna in here.”

“Let’s go say hi! See if he’s okay.”

“No! What if it isn’t him?”

“Good point… well, it doesn’t hurt to try now, does it?”

Sure enough, from the corner of his eye he saw them hesitantly walking towards his spot on the bench. He watched them, pondering, admitting that he had worked himself into this mess and wondering how he could get himself out, without causing disastrous consequences.

Double damn.

Up ‘til this point, he had miraculously disappeared from the public eye, leaving the Backstreet Boys with an unknown cause. It had led the media into thinking the most wildest things, but it all came down to one in particular. The Fight. He couldn’t say that they were wrong. There had been a fight, even the other boys had confirmed that. But there had been so much more. Nobody had ever given the press the real reason behind The Fight, and Brian was glad for that. When he had found out how the media had fallen over the Swine Flu, like lions, he’d been kind of scared how they would react to something much worse like, oh how about a brain tumour? It seemed a little funny now, thinking about the Swine Flu. He remembered how miserable he’d felt those three days. It all seemed extremely blown out of proportion though, when he thought about how miserable he felt every three weeks now. It was like having a monthly Swine Flu. If people only knew about that... He’d been able to keep it as quiet as possible, only informing the people closest to him, and barely getting out into public places. Right now he was reminded why it was so important to lay low.

“Hi, umm Brian?” he heard the tallest ask uncertainly. Well, I can always deny, he thought, but it wasn’t in his nature to do so.

“I… uhmm, yeah, hi,” he admitted, looking down.

“Oh my God!” she exclaimed, “It is you! I haven’t seen you in like, forever! I’m Kathy, remember?”

Of course he didn’t remember. He wouldn’t even remember if there wasn’t a tumour eating away at his memory, but for her sake, he narrowed his eyes, as if deep in thought and finally shook his head carefully.

“No, sorry,” he finally apologized.

“Ah, that’s okay. I wouldn’t remember me either,” she smiled at him. Great, now go away. But of course they didn’t leave immediately and he found them staring at him curiously.

“Something wrong?” he asked rather curtly. It caused the two women to frown a little.

“I don’t know, I mean, are you okay?” the other one spoke up tentatively.

Suspiciously he looked at her, contemplating his answer. “Fine. Why?”

“I’m not sure, you look a little, err, tired,” she finally stated, looking uncertainly at his baseball cap.

He sat back, put his cap right, suddenly very self-conscious, and waved her off as sturdily as he could. “Nah, it’s alright. Just a little hot in here, don’t you think so?”

“Not in particular…” she hesitated, “What brings you here anyway?”

Thinking for a moment, he tried to remember how he’d ended up in this sauna-like mall, but drew a blank. It must have been something important, otherwise he would never have come here.

“I’m… waiting… for… someone,” he informed slowly. Yeah, that was it! He was waiting for his brother, because… because he’d run off somewhere with two other people, to… And they’d left Brian sitting here all on his own! Resolutely, he stood up, apologizing to the two women that, sorry, but he really needed to go now and that it was nice meeting them. He watched them walk away hesitantly with a slight frown on their faces.

                Slowly he began to recall Harry’s words from earlier. “You stay here, don’t move, don’t even scratch your nose!” Like he was some little kid that needed to be reprimanded. Like he’d done something wrong! He stood up, walking away from the fountain. It felt a little bad to do so. He’d never ignored a direct order from Harold, not when he had been a child, not when he’d grown a little older. For all times, Harry was boss, and Brian needed to do what Harry told him to. Harold had decided that all on his own when he’d been nine, and Brian was six. Brian didn’t have a choice but to obey, and as it turned out, Harry did know what was best. Most of the time.

Not now. Now it was taking too damn long for Harry and his friends to return. Mom will be mad if we don’t get home on time, Brian thought absently, wondering why he always got excluded from Harry’s little adventures. He began wandering along the various shops that came in sight. So what if he moved? He would still stay on the same floor, he figured, as he didn’t like to take the elevator all on his own. Elevators are evil.

 

February 2008

Finally, the concert was over. He was looking forward to take his wife and child back to their hotel suite, and crawl deep underneath the covers and call it a night. Sure, concerts had always been exhausting, but this was the fifth night in a row, and he felt fried. Why they planned the whole Asia version of the Unbreakable tour into three small weeks, was beyond him, but tight schedules were nothing new, and he figured that it would probably never change.

Wiping the sweat of his face with a towel, he saw Nick smiling tiredly at him. And if even Nick was tired, it was no wonder that he felt like he’d run a marathon. Nick said something to him and Brian took off his earpieces in one quick, practiced motion and raised his eyebrows, indicating for Nick to repeat himself. Jokingly, Nick rolled his eyes and gestured with his hand towards the dark area backstage.

“Looks like your family made a run for it, before the show even ended,” he informed with a laugh.

Brian didn’t laugh, looking around in confusion. Normally Leighanne would be here waiting for him, complementing him on a good show or comforting him if things hadn’t gone the way he’d planned. But now she was nowhere to be seen. He heard Nick laugh at the bewildered expression that surely displayed on his face, but ignored him. When he turned around, he saw the group’s bodyguard, Q, walking towards him and involuntarily took a step back. Q was a big man, and although Brian knew that the bodyguard had nothing evil on his mind, it was still a little unsettling seeing the giant trudge towards him.

“Hey Q, you’ve seen Leighanne?”

“Yeah, that’s what I came to tell you,” the bodyguard halted mid step. “She’s looking for you.”

“And it didn’t occur to her that maybe I’d be here?” Brian wondered out loud.

“Hell if I know, she seemed a little… panicked,” Q stated seriously.

Brian’s frown grew deeper and he slipped past the bodyguard, looking towards the door.

“Where is she?”

“Down the hall, but you better…” he didn’t hear the rest of what Q had to say, walking, almost running down the hallway, in search of his wife. He felt the panic creeping up. Maybe something had happened? Without watching where he was going, he bumped into the first person that crossed the corner.

“Leigh!” he exclaimed, relieved.

“Brian! Oh God, is Baylee with you? Please tell me Baylee’s with you!” she sounded nervous and out of breath and Brian could instantly tell what was going.

“No… don’t tell me you lost him,” he warned, his eyes narrowing.

“I… I didn’t, he slipped from underneath me arms and ran, I tried to follow him, but he suddenly vanished…” she explained lamely.

“Children don’t just vanish, Leighanne, but you need to watch them!” he informed her, livid. “I can’t believe this…”

He could feel the fear settling deep within him. The place would soon be swarming with fans, coming down of the concert’s high, and what if they didn’t see the little boy wandering through the hallways with them? Or worse. What if they did?

Tensing up, he shove himself past his wife and started the panicked search for his son. He cursed the arena’s size, wishing it had happened anywhere, anywhere but here.  Tokyo Dome is huge! Running along the hallways, the singing gear still attached on him, he frantically called out to his boy. Time after time he didn’t get an answer and felt the overwhelming fear and desperation wash over him. suddenly he stood still, sharpening his ears. He could hear the crowd of excited women coming his way and instantly turned around for a way out. Cursing his bad luck, he could hear people coming from the other way too, and decided that his only way out was taking the elevator up, hopefully before they noticed he was there. Frantically pushing the button, remembering the fear of elevators he’d had when he was younger, he prayed to everything he believed in, for the elevator the hurry the hell up. Grateful for the soft cling of the lift, he jumped inside the steel cage, shot off like a rocket.

He reached the second floor fairly quickly and flew out of the elevator, past a lady with a notebook that was looking quite sternly at him.

“No running in these hallways! What is it with you men?” she sounded frustrated, but he really couldn’t care less. He needed to hide somewhere, anywhere before the crowd would be on the second floor too. Entering the first room that wasn’t locked, he faced the door he’d just closed with a loud slam, panting. That’s when he heard the excited, giggling squeal. Oh no, they’re in here too!

Slowly turning around, he was met by the beaming smile of his five year old son, dancing happily around him.

“Bay?” he questioned, bewildered.

“Yay, you found me, daddy!” Baylee exclaimed excitedly. “Wanna play again?”

 

October 2015

“Dad?” he heard someone ask suddenly. He turned around slowly.

“Bay?” he questioned, bewildered.

Without a word, getting out from behind the potted tree, Baylee flung his arms around his father’s neck, pressing his young face into Brian’s chest. Hesitantly, Brian returned the embrace, feeling his son sobbing against him. Softly, he peeled Baylee off of him and stared into his bloodshot, blue eyes.

“Baylee, what happened?” 

 

 

End Notes:

please review for more chapters, thanks!

33. Short Leash by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

awww.

enjoy!

  1. Short Leash

The tense silence in the vehicle was becoming unbearable and Nick glanced into the rear-view mirror nervously. Sure enough, Baylee was still there on the backseat with a sulking expression on his face. Deciding he’d better keep quiet, Nick drove on, following the big BMW in front of him. The mood had dropped to a freezing point when Baylee had refused to step in the same car as Leighanne. Nick had wondered what could have possibly gone so horribly wrong between mother and son, but he really couldn’t feel bad for Leighanne. He could take a wild guess at what was going on though, cause he’d seen the look on the young boy’s face when Nick had mentioned talking to Larry on the phone the day before.

Stealthily, he dared a look sideways. Brian seemed to be the only one that wasn’t on edge. In fact, he seemed contently happy for the first time in a long time, probably because he didn’t have the slightest clue about what had happened. Nick sighed, knowing that explaining things to Brian wouldn’t make a difference, instead he just smiled at his friend and watched Brian smile back. The joyous expression on his friend’s face made him seem a lot younger than he was and Nick shook his head, still smiling.

After an hour and a half, they’d finally given up their search throughout the mall, and just when they were ready to call the police, Harry had seen them. Nick had watched with open mouth how Baylee bought an ice cream for him and his dad, who happily accepted the treat. Strangely enough, they both didn’t seem aware of the fact that there were three other people looking for them. Nick had realized soon, that as far as Brian was concerned, he was just having a nice day off with his son, and Nick didn’t have it in him to tell his friend otherwise. When the group of three reached father and son though, Nick had watched Brian turn towards his brother with an angry, but childish look on his face, stating that they were definitely late for dinner now and that Mom was gonna ground them for at least two weeks because of him. With a scared look, Harry had snatched his younger brother’s arm and led him, and the rest of the gang, out of the shopping mall, hoping nobody else had heard Brian’s accusation. With a serious expression Nick had never seen on Harry’s face before, the older man had taken charge, planting Brian inside Leighanne’s car, ordering Nick to get his brother home and taking Leighanne and Baylee with him in the BMW. Baylee had shown just how stubborn he could be and refused to step in the car, ‘til finally, uncle Harry relented and allowed him to ride with Nick and his dad.

In all honesty, Nick had rather driven Leighanne home. He remembered the argument he’d had with Harry that morning, the older man refusing to do anything about the stealth escapades of his sister-in-law. Nick had wanted to confront Leighanne, to make her admit to what she had done, but Harry had argued that it wouldn’t matter anyway and in the end the only thing that could come from it was Brian getting hurt. Of course Nick didn’t want his friend to get hurt, but he’d figured that they couldn’t let Leighanne get away with it, and when he studied Baylee’s behaviour today, he could clearly tell that there was a lot more going on inside this family than he could hope for.

“Nick?” the young child asked suddenly in a small voice.

“Hmm?” Nick grumbled, still in thought.

“Are you mad at me?” the kid wondered and Nick looked at him. Did he give the impression that he was mad at the boy?

“Don’t be mad at Baylee, Nick,” Brian said suddenly and smiled brightly, “he bought me ice cream,” he revealed and laughed warmly, though there was some kind of strange juvenility that shouldn’t be there. Wow Brian, you’re great help. Without waiting for Nick’s reply, Brian turned back, staring out of the window, and continued humming to the songs on the radio. Nick smiled too, glad that there at least some sort of music left in Brian.

“No Bay, I’m not mad. I don’t think I’m in the position to get mad at you,” he replied cryptically and could see Baylee thinking hard.

“Well, I did make you come out and look for me, didn’t I?” he stated guiltily.

“Yes, and I’m not entirely happy with that too, but, to be honest… I know why you did it,” Nick admitted softly.

“I… what do you mean?” the child asked, clearly confused. Nick glanced at Brian, who luckily didn’t seem aware of the conversation between his son and friend.

“I mean that… I’ve been talking to Larry on that phone, I can guess what’s going on,” he replied cautiously, inspecting Baylee’s reaction. The shock on the child’s face was priceless and just what Nick had suspected. There was something else too, something that came rather close to relief.

“So you know about that stuff, huh?” Baylee said, looking down, suddenly very interested in the clean floor of his mother’s Jeep.

“No, not exactly, but I’d like to know what you think,” Nick prodded carefully.

“I don’t really know anything, but I can feel it sometimes, you know? I mean… never mind,” the kid trailed off, looking at his father.

                Nick followed his gaze and sighed. “You can tell me Baylee, I’m only trying to help,” he encouraged softly.

“Are you gonna tell my Dad about it?” Baylee whispered fearfully.

“No,” Nick replied in all honesty. “No, he doesn’t deserve to deal with that kind of crap right now.” He could feel the hate boiling up inside him once again and saw Baylee nod slightly.

“It’s just… just the way she looks at Dad sometimes… as if she’s feeling sorry for him… like she’s done something she shouldn’t have…” Baylee explained heatedly.

“What about this Larry dude? Did you ever see him?”

“Yeah, once… he showed up in Atlanta one day, saying he was working on a new production and asking if Mom could help him, I can’t tell you the exact details, cause I wasn’t interested enough for that.” Baylee frowned deeply and got an angry look in his eyes.

“That’s okay Bay, can you tell me when he came to your house?” Nick asked him friendly.

“Uhmm, almost a year ago I think… yeah, it was just a few weeks after Dad got the cancer back…” Baylee explained and Nick heard him sniffle slightly, feeling a pang of empathy toward the young man on the backseat. After all, this whole situation was probably harder for Baylee than for anyone else. Nick had to do his best to not curse every obscene term he knew out loud. Had this really been going on for a year?

“Thanks for telling me, kiddo,” Nick said quietly, “It will be alright, I promise.”

“How do you know that?” Baylee suddenly asked, harshly.

“I just do,” came the older man’s answer, and that would have to do.

Baylee didn’t say anything, instead he turned towards the window with a sorrowful look on his face.

“You know,” Nick began, “You kinda remind me of a certain kid that was around your age twenty years ago.”

Baylee still didn’t answer but Nick saw him raise his eyebrows in expectation.

“He got lost once too,” he stated wistfully. When the kid stayed silent, he continued, “missed the plane, had to stay all on his own at the airport, or so he thought…”

“Really? What happened?” Baylee turned, suddenly interested. He’d heard the story once before, but couldn’t remember it exactly.

“Your dad found me, he’d stayed behind and came looking for me. It was kinda a miracle.”

Baylee smiled proudly, “yeah, my dad finds people.”

Nick laughed. “I’m sure he does. It’s how we got friends. I hadn’t been exactly nice towards him in the beginning, but he still came and found me,” he remembered it clearly.

“You were a pain in the ass.’’ Apparently, Brian remembered it too, and Nick looked at him, surprised.

“So you remember that, but not my birthday?” he teased with a grin.

“Hey, there are important things, and less important things,” Brian stated solemnly and Nick could hear Baylee laughing in the background.

“That’s just great,” Nick mumbled and watched Brian rest his head against the window once more, squeezing his eyes shut.

“You okay?” Nick hated the question, but he couldn’t help himself when he got worried.

‘’Yep, yeah… just tired. Mr Independent over there running off on himself,” Brian opened his eyes and glared meaningfully at his son. “Never do that again, understood?”

“Yes Dad,” Baylee replied with a smirk, glad his father was back.

“Good,” Brian said and relaxed once more, “We’re on the radio, by the way.” He informed the other two.

Nick grinned brightly and turned the music up. The three people in the car singing As Long As You Love Me along rather loudly and off-key. Nick had tried to stay in tune, but Brian obviously didn’t even bother anymore.

“God, I love this song,” the former Backstreet Boy declared.

Not for much longer, Nick thought moodily, but smiled nevertheless.

 

 

End Notes:

please review for more chapters, thanks!

 

34. Just For You by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

meh... kinda depressing

enjoy.

  1. Just For You

November 2015

“That’s it, lil bro, you’re alright now, it’s alright,” Harold Littrell III tried to comfort his younger sibling with soothing words and by rubbing him on his back, but didn’t feel that it made a difference to Brian anymore. He wasn’t even sure if his brother could actually hear him in this state. The feverish man gave one more choked cough and then limply sagged against the toilet. Harold quickly grabbed Brian’s shoulder to keep his brother’s head from connecting with the cold porcelain. He cursed inwardly when he heard the younger man whimper weakly from the movement. Harry closed his eyes, feeling totally helpless, and rested his head on top of his brother’s, who was now laying against him. He’d sworn to himself that he wouldn’t cause Brian anymore pain than there already was, which meant that he had to move his little brother as little as possible. Sometimes, though, he didn’t have a choice.

 

August 1979

“Can I pwease play with you?” Brian asked sweetly, his eyes big and begging.

Harold looked sceptically at his 4-year old brother and then shook his head stubbornly.

“No, I’m playin’ with Kev,” he answered sternly and saw Kevin nod in agreement. Kevin was the same age as him and was much cooler to play with than his little brother. Besides, Kevin was only there very seldom, and Harry could play with Brian every day. The younger kid never left him alone anyway. What Harry had forgotten was just how treacherous his brother’s sweet little voice could be. In fact, it was only sweet if he wanted something from you.

“I wan’ play stawas too!” the kid yelled suddenly and Harry saw Kevin looking up, bewildered. He had long since learned not to pay his angry little brother any mind and continued adjusting the Star Wars figures on the battlefield. They were meant to function as a set, while Kevin and himself were gonna be the leading characters, fighting an epic battle with the two long sticks they had found in the backyard and adorned with the rustling glow-in-the-dark paper Dad had gotten them, and had proudly called them ‘lightsabers’. It was perfect and there was just no room for little brothers.  

“Go away Brian, you can’t play with us! Play with your blocks instead!” he suggested impatiently. He knew that if he didn’t wave his little brother off soon, Brian was gonna tell Mom about it and she was gonna make the 7-year olds play everything Brian wanted them to. The kid was just that smart.

“Dude, maybe we should just let him play, he looks like he’s gonna explode,” Kevin stated, looking fearfully at Brian.

“No, he has to learn he can’t always get his way!” Harry argued and glared meaningfully at the annoying toddler. He continued setting up the little plastic action figures and when he was finished, he sat back on the grass and watched his accomplishments proudly, not paying attention to the sheer fury forming in his younger brother’s eyes.  Without warning, Brian came bashing through the battlefield, kicking the carefully set out figures in every direction.

“Don wanna play with no blocks! Wan play with stawas!” Brian informed and Harry jumped up, livid.

“Look what you did! You little retard!” he screamed and Brian shrunk back, tears forming in his pale blue eyes. Oh fudge… Harry watched with regret how the toddler ran clumsily across the field on his short legs, towards the house.

“Oh no, now he’s gonna tell Mom,” Harry stated wearily and saw Kevin getting up too.

“Hey I told you so,” his cousin smiled. Sure enough, only a few seconds later, Mom came trudging along the field, looking rather pissed off.

“Harold! Be nice to your little brother! Let him play too!” she commanded and left as quickly as she had come.

“I wan be Luke Skywakker,” Brian informed, smiling sweetly once again.

 

November 2015

It was only luck he’d walked into Brian’s room just in time that morning. He’d heard him gagging in his sleep and with one swift motion, he’d lifted his brother out of bed, ignoring the barely audible moan of protest from Brian’s lips and carrying him towards the adjoining bathroom quickly. Relieved that they wouldn’t have to change the bed sheets, or put Brian in bath again, Harry had watched his little brother spill the useless bile that had been the only thing left in his stomach. He sighed deeply and hugged his brother a little tighter, feeling the younger man shaking from the pain that was undoubtedly coursing through his sick body. Harry steeled himself for a couple of seconds, then lifted Brian of the ground, hearing him cry out sharply.

“It’s okay, buddy. Let’s get you back to bed, alright?” he said to no one in particular, knowing fully well by now that Brian couldn’t hear him. He carried his brother easily to the bed and laid him down as gently as possible. Ever since yesterday, Brian only seemed to respond to pain, nothing else. It scared the hell out of Harold. The last five days had been a true hell for Brian, as well as for the other people in the house. And now it only seemed to be getting worse. But because they knew how much Brian hated hospitals, they’d called the doctor instead of bringing him there. The oncologist had concluded that most likely, Brian was having a bad reaction to the increased dose of chemo, and had assured the group of anguished people that they would lower the dosage next time and that something like this would hopefully not happen again. He promised he’d be back in two days and advised them to call, or to go to the hospital, if the fever got any higher than it was now.

Harry had original planned to return home three day ago, but when Brian hadn’t gotten any better, he’d decided to stay a few more days. Nick was great help, surprisingly, but with a broken shoulder he wasn’t able to move Brian if he needed to, so Harry had been forced to stay. He’d called his wife, and fortunately, she’d understood the situation completely. She felt deeply for her brother-in-law and had wished them all the luck of the world. Harry just hoped it would help. After they’d returned from their little adventure downtown, his little brother had been drifting from deep sleeping state, to some kind of hazy delirium. He hadn’t been coherent for six days now and Harry suspected his brother wasn’t even able to see him, though his eyes were open.

Watching his sibling still shivering on the bed, Harry closed his eyes and prayed desperately to whomever wanted to listen. 

I don’t care how, just please, please, put him out of this misery…

 

July 1980

“Mom?”

“Yes sweetie?” his mother replied sadly. Harry had noticed that everything she said, sounded sad lately.

“He’s gonna die, isn’t he?” he asked tentatively, staring at the ground, feeling the lump in his throat get bigger. It took a long time for Mom to answer him. Too long. Harry knew enough and nodded, trying to keep himself under control.

“I mean, everyone at school is asking about it,” he drawled nervously.

“Who’s everyone?” Mom suddenly asked sharply and Harry looked up.

“Oh you know, teachers and stuff,” he explained quietly.

“I don’t think he’ll die Harold, I think he’ll live, if he wants to,” Mom said, and Harry believed her.

 

November 2015

“I don’t think you’ll die, Brian, I think you’ll live, if you want to,” Harry tried desperately. Easier said than done… He wished he could believe the words like he’d done so many years ago.

End Notes:

please review for more chapters, thanks!

35. Always An Eternity Away by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

wow, Nick really caused the shit to hit the fan now, oh dear...

enjoy

  1. Always An Eternity Away

After slamming the door shut, he let himself fall on the bed and heaved a long sigh. His shoulder was throbbing and he frowned, massaging the sore spot gently. Even after two weeks, he was barely able to use his left arm. The past week had seemed to never end and for the first time since he’d got there, he wanted to go home. He turned on his stomach and grabbed his pillow, smiling contently when he finally found himself able to close his eyes and dose off.  The day had been exhausting and unrewarded. He felt completely drained and it wasn’t even dinnertime yet. A dark cloud of heavy depression had accumulated over the big house on the rocky road in the last six days and everybody seemed on edge. While Leighanne and Harold took care of Brian, Nick was left to do everything else. He’d been driving Baylee to school and back, he’d been picking up groceries, he’d even been cooking dinner, though Leighanne wasn’t too happy about his bakings. He’d been buying a crap load of medicine and he’d been giving that medicine to the designated person.

Fuckin’ holy Jesus!

Shooting upright he dared a suspicious glance at the clock and widened his eyes. Growling with frustration, he jumped out of his bed like he’d been launched off. Running down the stairs he skidded to a halt when he reached the kitchen. He swung open the medicine cabinet, cursing himself over and over again. By now he knew exactly what kind of medication Brian needed and when. He knew how to prepare it too and grabbed the stuff he needed quickly in a panicked motion. This couldn’t be happening, not today! Not when Harold and Leighanne were out to talk to the doctor and Nick was left with the huge responsibility of Brian’s care. The doctor had come by earlier that day and after he’d examined the patient, he’d persuaded the wife and the brother to come down to his office to talk about future plans. Baylee had locked himself in his room and Nick hadn’t seen the kid all day. He remembered Leighanne’s words very well. Don’t be late. He’d scoffed, cause he’d never been late before. Well, he was definitely late now. He just prayed that he wasn’t too late.

 

May 2014

“Nick?”

He tensed up, but didn’t turn around. He just kept staring into the distance, hoping his friend wasn’t able to see the tears sliding down his cheeks. He felt Brian kneeling next to him and noticed him finally coming to sit next to him on the floor of the hallway, against the wall. There was a long silence, deafening in its importance.

“Nick, you okay?” he heard his brother ask and finally he scoffed.

“You’re asking me?” Nick replied hatefully and noticed Brian wincing from the harshness, the betrayal in his voice.

“Look, I know I should have told you guys sooner…” Brian said and trailed off.

“Oh, do you now? Well, good for you!” he yelled suddenly and watched contently as Brian shrunk back.

“I just…” Brian began and grimaced, looking away.

“What? You just didn’t realize we were worried about you? Aren’t we supposed to be your friends? Aren’t we supposed to know when something like this is happening? Are you just too stubborn to let anyone help you?” Nick cried and Brian hesitantly placed a hand on the younger man’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry Nick, I’m sorry…”

 

November 2015

“I’m sorry Brian, God, I’m so sorry,” someone said in the distance, but he could barely hear them over the unbelievable noise inside his head. He was sure he’d opened his eyes, but couldn’t see anything but flashing colours, blinding him, making him insane. Maybe insanity isn’t so bad after all… His eyes were unfocused and the bright, colourful shapes he saw, couldn’t take shape. He was glad for that, knowing that if he could actually see them, they would scare the crap out of him.

Are you scared, Brian? Are you scared? Brian, are you scared? Are you scared, Brian? Are you scared? Brian? Brian? Brian are you scared? Scared? Brian, are you scared, are you?

The voice wouldn’t shut up, no matter what he tried, and with every word it spoke, came a flash of light, a shot of pure agony.

I’m not scared, go away.

Are you scared Brian? Brian are you scared? Scared, Brian? Are you scared?

Help me…

“Just hold on, I’m here now. God, I’m so sorry,” the other voice said softly again, but Brian didn’t know what the words meant. He couldn’t focus on them when there was another voice over screaming the soft one.

Is this the end? Brian, is this the end? This is the end, Brian. Are you scared this is the end? Brian are you scared? This is the end, is it? Brian? Is this the end, Brian? This is the end.

Please stop talking.

It’s the end, Brian. It’s the end. You know that it’s the end. Are you scared, Brian? Brian, are you scared? Do you know it’s the end? Are you scared this is the end? IT’S THE END BRIAN!

The voice deformed into a low, menacing tone and Brian felt his head split open. Piercing white stabbed his eyes and he screamed out. Shaking violently, uncontrollably, he gasped for precious oxygen that didn’t seem to be in the room. There were hands on his back, supporting him, keeping him down. Let me go, I need air! He struggled weakly and screamed again.

Does it hurt, Brian? Brian, does it hurt? Tell me it hurts. Are you scared it hurts? It hurts Brian, it hurts. It’s the end, Brian. The end hurts Brian. Do you know the end hurts, Brian? Are you scared of the end? Is this the end? Brian, are you scared? Please tell me you’re scared. Are you scared? Does it hurt?  THE END HURTS BRIAN!

“No! Brian, please no! Oh, God, I’m so sorry!”

Brian couldn’t hear it, the voice was just too far away. He felt his eyes roll back and knew he was in hell.

THIS IS THE END…

 

June 1980

“Mommy, wait for me!” he yelled, pedalling his Big Wheels furiously down the sidewalk, trying to keep up with his mother. It wasn’t fair, Mommy had a much bigger bike and she seemed to go much faster, without having to spend as much energy.

“Mo-om!” he shouted, frustrated and then gave up and stood still. Watching the sidewalk suspiciously for a minute, he began kicking the pedals again, slowly, experimentally. What if it wasn’t the bike? What if it was the sidewalk? What if the road was much faster than the sidewalk? He picked up pace again, riding as fast as he could and aimed for the deep edge of the sidewalk. Too deep. With an epic tilt, his bike did a somersault and gravity pulled the five-year-old riding it, down. He felt his knees come in contact with the rough concrete and skidded a few feet further. Coming to a halt, he let himself fall forward. With an astonished expression, he pushed himself up with his hands and sat back in the middle of the street, dazed.

“Brian!” Mommy yelled from a hundred feet down the road. He looked at her, his eyes big in shock. Trying to get up, he felt a sharp pain in his right knee and looked down. He was bleeding! At the sight of blood, trickling down his calf, visible through the torn denim of his jeans, he began wailing loudly. A few cars had stopped and people got out, looking worriedly at the small kid. The boy didn’t care and continued crying, clutching his knee protectively.

“Brian, Brian, hey look at me!” Suddenly, Mommy was there, grabbing his shoulders.  Sobbing, he glanced up at her, tears streaming down his face. She smiled down comfortingly at him and took his head in her hands.

“Hey, Baby Duck, can you let me see your knee?” she asked sweetly. His eyes grew even wider at the thought of exposing his leg and he shook his head wildly.

“Should we call an ambulance?” an old man questioned, concerned and Mommy turned around.

“No, no, it’s fine. Just a skinned knee, right Baby Duck?” She always called him Baby Duck, cause he loved Donald Duck, obviously. He could almost do the voice now too. Thinking for a moment, he nodded slowly and after taking a deep breath, he removed his hands from his wounded knee. Mommy sighed in relief, gently touching the affected area. The little boy whimpered slightly at her touch but didn’t move away. The crowd was diminishing now and soon only him and Mommy were left

“Right, can you move it, honey?” she asked softly and the kid did his best, moving his leg up and down, pounding on the street. He nodded and smiled through his tears, forgetting the pain when Mommy helped him up and pulled a chocolate cookie out of her purse.

“Come on honey, let’s go home,” she suggested and he took her hand, already forgetting about his bleeding knee.

 

 

End Notes:

review for more chapters, please.

thanks for reading!

36. Selfishly by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

enjoy!

 

  1. Selfishly

He’d never known fear like this existed. He put his heavy head on Nick’s good shoulder and stared absentmindedly at the cartoon displayed on the TV in the waiting room. The Backstreet Boy hadn’t moved in over an hour and Baylee figured Nick had probably zoned out completely, staring off into space with a pained expression in his eyes. Baylee felt sorry for him. It hadn’t been his fault, the doctor had assured that, but it didn’t seem to get through to Nick.

Baylee had locked himself in his room, had grabbed his iPhone and put on the hardest music he could find. He’d done that for the past six days, trying to escape into the harsh tones of the electric guitars. He’d covered himself in the blankets on his bed and had closed his eyes, letting himself float on the rhythmic melodies, completely forgetting about the rest of the world.

He’d frozen in terror when he could hear his father’s agonized scream even above the heavy notes on his phone. Instead of finding out what was going on, he’d gotten scared, covering his head under the covers, holding his breath. He’d shut off the music and listened intently. He heard Nick’s soft voice apologizing over and over again, trying to calm the sick man on the bed down, but it didn’t work and Baylee had heard Dad scream again. Cautiously, he’d climbed out of bed and ventured out of his room. In front of his father’s room, he’d stood still, trying to collect the courage that was needed to open the door. When he finally did, he only needed a split second to know that something was totally wrong. Nick was standing with his back facing Baylee, trying to keep his father down, who was writhing in pain. Baylee had gasped in horror and Nick had turned around, startled. He’d yelled for him to call 911 and Baylee had been so nervous that he’d forgotten the number momentarily. He’d dialled it nevertheless and immediately handed the phone to Nick’s waiting hand. After that everything had went in a blur, and now they were here, and Baylee concluded that he’d been here far too often, waiting for the moment they were allowed to see Dad.

Dr Witter had reassured the two waiting people in the room that Dad should be fine in a little while, claiming that if they had brought him in a few days earlier, this whole thing probably wouldn’t have happened. He’d promised that after they were finished running tests, Nick and Baylee could come in and see Dad.

“Nick, Baylee!” Baylee looked up when he heard his name and saw uncle Harold and Mom scurry through the waiting room. “Any news yet?”

“Yeah, he’s gonna be alright,” Baylee answered uncertainly when Nick stayed silent.

“Nick? You okay dude?” uncle Harold asked, “Nick!” He put a hand on the Backstreet Boy’s back and Nick jerked up as if he was burnt.

“Yeah, yeah,” he babbled, confused. “What? What is it?”

“I asked if you were alright. You seemed a little… far away…” uncle Harry stated, unsure.

“I’m fine, thank you,” Nick replied and fell silent again.

“Can someone tell me what the hell happened?” Mom suddenly called out.

“I… he was hallucinating. Screaming things I couldn’t understand. Asking me if I was scared. Told me to stop talking, but I wasn’t even saying a damn thing!” Nick rushed frustrated. He was talking so fast that Baylee had to strain his ears to keep up with him. “He scared the hell outta me, saying that it was the end and asking if it hurt. He was in so much pain! Why would he ask me if it hurt?”

A heavy silence followed, the people in the room trying to fathom what had happened. Nick sank down on the plastic chair again, frowning deeply.

“Hallucinating?” Mom asked incredulously, “But… but, he’s got pills for that…” she stated, raising her eyebrows and Baylee watched Nick’s eyes get big.

“I… I’m sorry!” he cried out after a heavy pause.

“No,” Mom mumbled menacingly, “No, you didn’t…” she left the sentence linger in the air, looking at Nick for an explanation.

“I was too late,” Nick replied, hanging his head.

“You were what?” Mom exploded. Baylee could already see where this was going.

“I just…” there was a silence and Nick looked at the ground.

“I want you to leave… now…” Mom sounded threatening, clenching her teeth.

Nick nodded and stood up slowly.

“I’m sorry…”

“Get out!” she screamed madly.

“He didn’t mean to be late! It was an accident!” Baylee defended desperately. Dr Witter had explained that the pills wouldn’t have mattered, that Dad had been too weak to resist the hallucinations caused by the tumour. Besides, Nick had only been thirty minutes late. The doctor had said that that shouldn’t have made a difference. He’d once again informed them that it wouldn’t have happened if Brian had come to the hospital sooner.

“An accident?” Mom yelled, livid, “He almost got my husband killed!”

“So what?” Baylee cried, outraged. “It’s not like you care!”’

 

December2014

The buzzer rang, but he was playing Nintendo, so he wasn’t about to get up. This level was tricky and whoever was at the gate, would have to have patience.

The buzzer rang again, more persistent and he sighed. There are priorities Baylee. Right now his priority was getting through level 12.

When the buzzer rang a third time, he heard Dad yell from upstairs, “Baylee! Answer it!”

Why did he always have to answer the intercom? Or better yet, why was there never anybody at the gate when the maid was home? She could answer it, that’s her job! But of course, Eliza wasn’t ever there when you needed her, and Baylee got up from the couch he’d been laying lazily on and wandered into the kitchen. He thought about waiting, letting it ring again. Dad would surely freak out then and Baylee grinned.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

“Damnit, Baylee Littrell, I’m not asking again!’’ Surely enough, Dad yelled again. You’re so predictable, Daddy.

Blandly, he pushed the intercom button and said his name, waiting for the other person to answer. “Baylee here, who’s this? Can I help you?” he asked sweetly.

“Uhh, it’s Larry…”

“I don’t know no Larry,” Baylee answered and wanted to hang up.

“Wait, I spoke to your mother? Leighanne?” Larry said hesitantly.

“Oh okay, she’s in the backyard, hold on.”

Taking his finger away from the intercom, he brought his hands up to make his words louder. “Dad?” he yelled.

“What?”

“Larry’s here! Should I open the gate?”

“I don’t know no Larry!” Dad concluded loudly. “He one of your friends?”

“No, he’s here for Mom!” Baylee explained. It was always the same. Whenever there was someone on the intercom, you could bet your house that a very loud conversation would follow.

“Well, what are you waiting for? Let him through!” Dad ordered and Baylee pushed the gate’s button. By now he was kind of curious about this Larry guy and wandered outside to subject the dude to an inspection. He wasn’t impressed.

Larry was short, had blond, greasy hair, worn in a ponytail and had the oldest mutt of a car Baylee had ever seen. Smiling scornfully at the man, he could tell Larry was probably just a little older than Dad and Baylee watched him curiously, wondering what he was doing here.

                “Hey,” he greeted curtly.

“Hey buddy! You must be Baylee right!” Larry said the words just a little bit too friendly and Baylee narrowed his eyes.

“Duh, oh and I’m twelve by the way,” he informed the man sternly and motioned to the backyard. “Mom’s somewhere over there. Will you find her on your own, or do you need help?”

Larry looked a little taken aback and Baylee smiled wickedly. He didn’t like this guy from the beginning and didn’t feel much for it to be forced to search his mother in the big garden. Besides, he had a videogame to finish.

 

November 2015

“Nick! Nick, wait up!” he yelled, scampering after the big man. He’d figured that if Mom made Nick leave, he’d go with him. Nick didn’t look up though, just kept walking along the hallways, his head low.

“Nick!” Baylee shouted frustrated, one more time.

“Baylee, go back!” Nick yelled back, angry and Baylee stood still.

“Fine! Just run away!” He watched Nick halting and turning resolutely.

“It’s better if I leave. I’m only causing trouble,” the taller man mumbled quietly.

“Well, I do admit that it has been a lot quieter before you came,” Baylee replied with a smirk.

“It’s not funny. I almost got your Dad killed,” Nick pouted

“You didn’t get him killed! It wasn’t your fault! You know that!” Baylee cried out.

“You don’t understand. You’re just a kid…” Nick stated sullenly and Baylee kicked him in the leg.

“If someone says that one more time, I swear I’m gonna…” he trailed off, letting the threat hang in the air.

“What? Kick their leg?” Nick replied crankily, rubbing the sore spot.

“And what is it that I don’t understand, huh?” Baylee challenged.

“Forget it,” Nick waved him off.

“No, say it!” Baylee wasn’t gonna forget about it that easily.

“He was my responsibility, okay?” Nick explained frustrated, “I blew it…”

“Pfff, you’re not his Dad,” Baylee said incredulously.

Nick raised his eyebrows, surprised and thought for a minute. “No, you’re right, I’m not,” he concluded reluctantly, “You’re mom’s mad now though…”

“She doesn’t have the right to be mad,” Baylee replied hatefully.

“Come on, she’s still your mom…”

“I know, but sometimes…” he didn’t finish, feeling his throat closing up.

“What?” Nick asked softly.

“Nothing,” Baylee choked out.

“Say it…” the Backstreet Boy prodded gently.

“Sometimes, sometimes I just wish it was her…” Baylee stated quietly and Nick knew they were in big trouble.

 

 

End Notes:

did he just say that?

thanks for reading!

37. Entirely Nothing by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

yup, enjoy!

  1. Entirely Nothing

“What the hell did they give you?”

“Nickolas my dear, they gave me… everything,” Brian spoke slowly and slurred just a little bit. His eyes were unfocused, but bright and there was a dazed grin on his face.

“Dude, I’ve never seen you stoned like this,” Nick smiled.

“I surely did not intend on you seeing it either,” came the useless answer.

“Come on, you must have been stoned before!’’ Nick teased, laughing slightly.

“Once!” Brian cried out and shot up in his bed. Nick looked up, surprised and pushed his friend back down. It was just meant as a joke, but Brian had been awfully informative the whole time. Nick should be feeling guilty, they’d been instructed to let his friend sleep, to not wake him up. But as soon as Nick had entered the room, Brian had been fully awake and talking like there was no stopping him. Nick had to admit he was kind of enjoying it.

“When?” he asked incredulously.

“It was 1997, I had just turned 22, and we were in Holland. I guess when you’re in Holland, this kind of stuff just happens.” Brian trailed off, staring into the distance and Nick had to snap his fingers to make him focus again.

“How did it go?”

“What?”

“The stuff, what did you do?”

“When?”

“You just said you’ve been stoned in Holland, dude!” Nick explained patiently.

“Oh yeah, it was 1997, I had just…” Brian began.

“I know,” Nick cut him off, “I just wanna know what happened!”

“Oh, some dude gave us… I think it was weed…”

“Wait! Us?” Now he was really curious. Who else had been involved?

“Well yeah, it had been Kevin’s idea really…” Brian slurred and smiled brightly, “Yes, definitely.”

Kevin was in on this?” Nick really couldn’t believe his ears.

“Yeah, I told you!” Brian answered, impatient.

“And I heard you, just having a real hard time believing it,” Nick answered, still astonished.

“I’m not lying!” Nick knew he wasn’t lying. Drunk and stoned people never were.

“I’m not saying that! Just tell me, how did it feel?” Of course Nick knew how it felt to be stoned, but he wanted to hear Brian’s version of the experience, having the feeling it could be hilarious.

“It was really weird, I mean, really really weird,” Brian explained and Nick nodded, urging his friend to continue. “There were just so many colours. And music everywhere too. The world’s a much better place when you’re stoned.”

“Yeah, I bet.”

“It feels a little like being drugged up in a hospital,” Brian stated and brought his arm up, studying the IV for a minute and eventually let it fall back again.

“Does it hurt?” Nick asked softly. Does it hurt, Brian? Are you scared, Brian? Is this the end, Brian?

Brian blinked at him, then squeezed his eyes shut. After a few seconds, he opened them again and smirked.

“No it doesn’t hurt, shut up!” he spoke slowly, “Nothing hurts. Entirely nothing.”

 

March 2015

I don’t know what he does to make you cry,

But I’ll be there to make you smile

I don’t have a fancy car to get to you

I’d walk a thousand miles,

“…”

Fuck.

It was only a matter of time really. The music continued, but the vocals didn’t and Nick looked behind him, bewildered. It didn’t take a genius to know his friend had completely blanked out on his part. Nick was only surprised that it had never happened before. Staring at the crowd, that got more and more suspicious as the seconds flew by, he waved and made a funny face. After a few more moments, he heard AJ hesitantly pick up the lines that had always been assigned to Brian.

 

November 2015

“Dude? Weren’t you supposed to get married?” came the sudden question and Nick looked up. Brian was looking at him expectantly.

“Uh… yeah, I guess,” he answered lamely.

“What happened? You didn’t cheat did you?” his voice sounded menacing.

“No! Of course not! Why, would that matter to you?”

“Well, I don’t suppose it’s healthy for your marriage,” Brian answered and raised his eyebrows. “Why didn’t you get married?”

“I dunno… we never found the time I guess,” he said. It was true. It was one of the lamest reasons, but it was true.

“That’s sssstupid,” Brian slurred.

“I know.”

“You’re not scared, are you?”

“No. Should I be?” Nick asked with a smile.

“Nah man, marriage is great. You’ll love it,” Brian assured him, a far-away look in his eyes.

“Brian?” Nick questioned after a few minutes of silence. His friend somehow seemed to have drifted off again.

“Huh?”

“You’re still gonna be my best man right?”

 

March 2015

“We can’t keep this up much longer. He can’t keep this up much longer,” he heard Kevin say seriously, but couldn’t believe his ears.

“What do you mean?” he asked, but was afraid of the answer.

“I think you know what I mean, Nickolas,” Kevin said quietly and looked him in the eyes. “It’s time we do the right thing.”

“No! He’s not leaving!” he yelled, furious. He saw Howie looking up from across the room and from the look on his face, Nick could tell that he and Kevin had already talked about it.

“Nick, think about it! AJ had to cover his part today, cause he couldn’t remember the words. We’ve sang that song for eighteen years, and he couldn’t remember it!”

“That’s not his fault!” Nick cried out. He couldn’t believe this, was that really Kevin talking?

“I know, and that’s the thing. Don’t you think it’s time we stop thinking about the band, and start thinking about what’s best for Brian?” the oldest member suggested and Nick shook his head, resolutely.

“You’re gonna think about what’s best for him? He’s not even here! Or did you already tell him about it?” He knew Kevin didn’t talk to Brian much anymore. None of them did, actually. He had been awfully introverted. Nick supposed it had something to do with the tumour growing back.

“No, I didn’t talk to him, he doesn’t talk much,” Kevin mumbled dejectedly. Howie nodded sympathetically. Nick sighed, he would have liked to know what was going on inside their heads. How were they gonna break this news to Brian? He had a feeling that AJ would be elected to do that job. AJ just had a way of blurting out stuff, so he suspected that AJ didn’t know about it either yet. It wasn’t like Nick didn’t understand where Kevin was coming from. Hell, even he had been thinking about the future too, it was kind of hard not to. He knew that Brian had to leave one day, but had always thought his friend would be able to decide on that matter by himself.

 

November 2015

“Bri?” Nick asked quietly, his face turning serious.

“Huh?” Brian snapped back to reality.

“Did you… did you ever cheat on a girl?” Nick questioned with a tense expression.

There was a silence that seemed to go on forever. Nick could tell his friend was getting tired more and more.

“Bri?”

“No, never,” Brian finally stated and scoffed, “They always used to cheat on me though.”

Nick flinched when he heard those words and looked away quickly.

“What?” his friend asked.

It is hard to think straight when you can feel the anger overflowing your mind. Brian has no idea. Nick did his best to keep his breathing under control, but it didn’t matter. When he looked up, he saw his friend watching him suspiciously.

“I… I can’t believe she… you…” he started and paused, “Nothing, it’s nothing.”

“You’re acting really weird dude,” Brian informed him, “What’s going on?”

“Believe me, you don’t wanna know.”

 

 

 

End Notes:

hope you liked! please review for more!

thanks for reading!

38. Fallen Renegade by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

Although this is just a bit of a filler, I still hope you'll enjoy!

  1. Fallen Renegade

                ‘’Because you're not done

You're far too young

And the best is yet to come’’

 

                November 2015

                “No! Daddy no!”

His son’s piercing scream echoed through the house and Brian woke with a start. Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, he sat up, trying not to disturb the still sleeping form next to him. He shivered slightly as his feet touched the cold floor under the bed. This was the fourth night in a row. Ever since his Dad had gotten home from the hospital, Baylee had woken up screaming and Brian didn’t know what to do about it anymore. Slowly, he stood up and shot a glance at the alarm clock. 4 am. Great.

“Sweetie, you stay here, I’ll go,” he heard his wife suggest suddenly. So much for sneaking out quietly. He was instantly reminded of all those countless times they’d been in a similar situation, when Baylee was younger and life wasn’t as complicated. Brian shook his head and smiled grimly.

“No offense, but I don’t think it will work if you go,” he said softly, “Now, I’m not sure what is going on between the two of you, but you’ll need to work it out, so I can sleep.

He hated the fights his son and wife seemed to be having all week now. He hated it even more that he had no idea what it was about. Did they think he was an idiot? Did they assume he couldn’t see that they were barely talking to each other? Or the vicious looks Baylee shot his mother whenever he thought Brian wasn’t looking? It was actually pretty obvious that the two hadn’t been able to get along this week, but apparently they were too stubborn to tell the other member of their family what was going on. He hated being excluded like that. The thing that was even worse, was that of all people, Nick did seem to be informed on the matter. It made him suspect that it was about him, and that shouldn’t surprise him. All fights were about him lately.

Tiredly, he made his way across the hall into Baylee’s room. When he took a look at his son, Brian felt his heart aching for the boy. He didn’t really know what the nightmares were about, but he could take a good guess. Baylee refused to tell him about it though, and Brian felt helpless every night he walked into the room to try and console his boy.

Baylee sat upright in his bed, his eyes wild and his breathing quick and shallow. He didn’t seem aware of the fact that his father was in the room and Brian didn’t dare to move.

“Bay?” he spoke quietly, trying to come closer as gently as possible.

Baylee’s head shot up when Brian came to sit next to him on the bed, wrapping his arms around his son. Surprised, he felt Baylee trying to break free, jerking away from his father’s touch.

“Baylee … it’s alright.”

“N-n-n-no, it’s not alright! You died! You were dead, I saw you!” the child screamed hysterically, “Mom was gone and you died and I was all alone!”

A long silence followed and Baylee began to sob. Finally he let his Dad pull him in close and Brian rested his chin on top of his son’s short curls, rocking them both gently.

“I’m not dead, baby boy, I’m right here,” he assured Baylee.

“Please, please don’t go!”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“Promise? Promise you won’t leave? Never?”

“Yeah, promise…”

 

March 2015

“Brian, we need to talk.”

He looked up, suspicious. The other four were suddenly standing in front of him and he wondered where they’d come from. We need to talk… Somehow, he already knew he wasn’t gonna like whatever they were about to tell him. Slowly, he put the magazine he hadn’t really been reading aside and raised his eyebrows, signalling for them to continue.

“Can you come with us, please?” Kevin urged gently. Brian frowned. Apparently they had organized it. He stared at Howie’s face, but the older man quickly looked away. Hesitantly, he got up from the chair in his dressing room and followed the others into AJ’s. Not saying a word, he studied their faces anxiously, wondering who had died for them to look so serious. AJ was hopping from one foot to the other, looking like he had to pee, but Brian knew he was just nervous. Howie was looking anywhere except Brian’s way. Kevin had a pitiful expression, but that didn’t say so much, cause Kevin had had a pitiful expression ever since Brian had exposed his illness in front of the others. The only one that he couldn’t read was Nick, and that bothered him, cause he’d always been able to read Nick before. If he didn’t know any better, he’d say Nick was looking angry more than anything and Brian wondered what he’d done this time.

“Brian, we umm,” AJ began reluctantly and Brian assumed the younger man had drawn the shortest straw and was therefore elected to speak up. “We were wondering for how much longer you were allowed to, you know, perform with us…” AJ winced, knowing he couldn’t have phrased it any worse.

Brian’s eyes widened and he felt the familiar sinking, nauseating feeling in his stomach, but this time it had nothing to do with chemotherapy. Unsure, he looked from AJ to Kevin to Nick. He avoided Howie, cause obviously, Howie was avoiding him as well.

“I’m not sure what you mean,” he said, but deep down, he knew exactly what they were talking about. He couldn’t really say that it came completely out of the blue. He’d seen them whispering before, countless times when they thought he wasn’t paying attention. Had they thought that he wasn’t able to catch the worried glances they and everyone else shot his way? Even the fans seemed suspicious by his appearance, fearful even. He had always stubbornly claimed that he was fine, even if he wasn’t, and whenever there was a meet and greet, he tried to be as inconspicuous as possible, letting the others do the talking and the goofing off. Of course, by trying to be inconspicuous, he was only becoming more suspicious, for he used to be the one that was loud and funny and by no means quiet and withdrawn.

“It’s just… you know… the thing with As Long As You Love Me the other day… remember?” AJ added uncertainly, cause you could never know for sure with Brian lately. Like he could forget. He remembered the painful moment all too well. He’d completely blanked out, slowly feeling all the eyes in the music hall turn his way. It had certainly not helped in trying to think straight. After a few seconds he’d heard AJ take over his part and Brian had known he was done for.

“Like you’ve never blanked out before!” he defended fiercely.

“Not like that Brian! Not during a concert! Not while singing a song I’ve sung for what seems like a million times! You seemed completely out of this world, dude!” AJ replied heated.

“Alright,” Brian admitted slowly, “I’m sorry, okay? I can assure you it won’t happen again.”

“No, B-Rok, you can’t,” AJ spoke softly.

“Well, what do you want me to do then?” Brian questioned. When the others stayed silent for too long, he backed away, an astonished expression on his face.

“No! You’re not kicking me out, are you?”

 

 

End Notes:

please review for more, thanks!

39. Surprise Destination by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

a little lighter than previous chapters, we need a little break, I guess

 

enjoy

  1. Surprise Destination

“Have you even bothered to give that shoulder a little rest since the last time you came here, mister Carter?” The doctor watched him sternly and Nick winced when he pressed a particular sore spot.

“Maybe,” Nick muttered meaninglessly.

“No, he has not,” Leighanne tattled shamelessly. Nick rolled his eyes, irritated. Why she even insisted to go with him on this check-up, was beyond him. Why he ever agreed on it, was even further away. He guessed she could just be really persistent sometimes. Brian and Baylee hadn’t been much help either. Ever since Harold had left, they’d been terribly mysterious towards Nick, which made the blond man assume they had something up their sleeve. He didn’t like that in the least. Whatever they’d been planning secretly, Nick just hoped he was gonna like it.

He only listened half to the warnings about permanent damage and surgical consequences. How could he even think about broken shoulders when there was so much else going on? He just nodded gallantly at the doctor every once in a while, hoping he was able to go home before dinner. Up until now it didn’t look like it. Suddenly he heard Leighanne telling the doctor about neglected exercises and forced labour. He turned around, incredulous, and shot her a heated look that clearly told her to shut the hell up. It was almost as if she was trying to keep them there as long as possible.

Dr Patmen looked angry and Nick shrunk even lower in his seat. If looks could kill, Leighanne would have been dead about a thousand times now.

“We’ll need to make new x-rays then,” Patmen said sourly. If looks could kill, Leighanne would have been dead about a thousand and one times now.

 

February 2013

To say he was nervous, would say the least. He touched the small box in his pocket, just to be sure and breathed. He was actually gonna do this. His heart was already beating like mad and they weren’t even on their way yet. Faintly, he heard his girlfriend giggling excitedly in the background. By the end of the day, he hoped, he’d have her updated to fiancée. If only this fucking boat would start…

“Honey, I’m so excited! Where are we going?” Lauren asked in a high voice. She must be expecting something. He’d kidnapped her out of bed extremely early that morning, saying he was gonna  take her out sailing. He’d never done that before. He hadn’t been on a boat for nearly six years, and his vessel agreed with that fact. Maybe he should have let it get checked out before he actually started using it again, but he’d never been a real star in planning things ahead. And as he looked at the engine right now, he feared he was gonna have to cancel the entire event. Maybe it still works…

 

November 2015

“Thanks a lot Leighanne…” he grumbled sourly on the way home.

“What?” she asked absentmindedly.

“Well, did you have to tell him about the shoulder?”

“It’s true, isn’t it? You need to take better care of yourself, Nick,” she stated without looking at him.

“And what makes you think that I need your help?” he spat. Finally after three hours, he’d been allowed to go back home. Home. Only two weeks, and it already felt like he’d spent years there. Leighanne did not seem in a hurry, as she took the longest route imaginable to get to their destination. Nick wondered if he should say something, but decided to keep his mouth shut.

“Alright,” Leighanne spoke after a few minutes and she finally looked at him. Nick could see the wide smile on her face and the bright sparkle in her eyes. Staring at her, he couldn’t help but feel a little suspicious.

“What?” he drawled nervously.

“Well, let’s just say the boys have a little surprise for you back home,” she explained with a grin. The way she said ‘surprise’ made Nick’s heart hammer in his throat.

“Oh dear God no,” he mumbled to himself and heard Leighanne laugh softly. He knew Brian often meant well, but his surprises scared the crap out of Nick most of the time. Even worse, there was always someone that ended up hurt whenever Brian planned a surprise. Usually Nick was the one with the bad luck.

“Don’t worry, you’re gonna love it,” she emphasized on ‘love’. It did nothing to calm his nerves.

 

February 2013

Thankfully, thankfully, the boat had cooperated up ‘til this far. The weather was perfect, the day was perfect. Nothing could go wrong. Breathing in the salty ocean-air, he looked over his shoulder, at his soon to be fiancée. She had no idea what they were doing or where they were going, but seemed to enjoy the sun, lying prone on the deck of the boat, in nothing but a bikini. Feeling a flash of excitement, he wondered how she would react if he just ripped the lingerie off of her. Not yet, Carter. Keep yourself under control, Carter.

Suddenly he felt the ship jerk violently and saw Lauren’s head shoot up, bewildered.

“What’s going on?” she asked anxiously.

Cursing the boat inwardly, he tried to smile his there’s-nothing-to-worry-about-smile. “Nothing, baby, probably just the engine,” he murmured sweetly. Work with me a little, you piece of crap, he thought slamming the wheel. Apparently, the vessel took his insult personally and gave one last jolt before the engine went completely silent. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that, sweetheart!

“I guess I’ll just have to go and take a look,” he suggested weakly, afraid his knowledge of boat-engines would probably not reach far enough. Being lost at sea was not his idea of a perfect proposal.

After half an hour of useless experimenting, he stiffly lifted himself upright. Defeated he stared at the engine for a few more minutes before finally giving up. Glancing at his girlfriend, who lay carelessly spread on the deck once again, he smiled. She never seemed to panic about anything, and that was good. Cause you needed to be unable to panic if you wanted to live with Chaos.

I could just try and reboot the thing… shouldn’t hurt, he decided, walking to the steering area again. Without warning, Lauren popped up next to him and he jumped a mile up in the air.

“Did I scare you?” she giggled. “What is it with you, you seem a little nervous today…”

“Oh I’m fine! Perfect! You didn’t scare me,” he claimed with a tough smile.

“Oh, I just love it when you’re al sweaty,” she admired, softly touching his bare shoulders. He felt a shiver of pleasure wash over him. It had nothing to do with the breezy air. Could I be more in love?

Turning the keys, he felt a shock travel through the boat. After five more tries, the engine finally seemed to come alive again. Smirking triumphantly, he couldn’t believe his good luck.

“Say, why are you a singer and not a sexy, sweaty mechanic?” Lauren wondered jokingly.

“Because I make more money as a singer,” he boasted, steering the boat towards their destination.

 

 

 

End Notes:

hope you liked it! Please review for more, thanks!

40. Someday Maybe by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

enjoy!

  1. Someday Maybe

                November 2015

He was too nervous to sit still. With an excited grin he kept hopping from one foot to the other. Nick was gonna be sooo happy! It had been Baylee’s idea really. Actually, he’d just mentioned it, Dad was the one that made it happen.

“Jeez, stand still, you’re gonna ruin the whole surprise!” Dad said crankily.

“I’m sorry! I can’t helpt it!” Baylee grinned.

“And what am I supposed to do?” came an insecure voice from the other side of the room.

“Why aren’t you hiding already?” Dad said, unbelieving, “It’s the whole point of the surprise!”

“You think Nick’s gonna be happy?” Baylee wondered and looked up at his father and smiled. Dad did not smile back. He seems a little stressed.

“It’s not about him being happy, it’s about him being surprised. And that’s not gonna happen if you guys don’t work with me!”

“Okay, okay, we get it. Relax, Brian.” The other voice joked from across the room.

“Get down and hide. Then I’ll relax.

 

March 2015

“Come on, Bay. We gotta go.”

“What? Where?”

“Home.”

“But I thought…”

“Yeah, change of plans.” Dad looked pissed off. Baylee wondered if it was his fault, but didn’t dare asking. Instead he watched wordlessly how his father packed his suitcase furiously. He was breathing hard and Baylee realized he’d never seen his dad so angry.

“Dad? You okay?”

Dad stopped his packing momentarily, stared straight ahead for a moment and finally glanced Baylee’s way. He could see the fury in his father’s eyes and it scared him. Involuntarily, he took a step backward. Dad had shifted his gaze and began stuffing the suitcase once more.

“I’m fine!” he spat angrily, “If someone asks me if I’m okay one more time, I’m gonna…” he left the threat hanging in the air and growled.

“I’m sorry… I just… why are we going home?” Baylee asked cautiously, trying not to tick his father off. Dad was like a landmine now, one wrong step… BAM! He stayed silent for quite a long time, and Baylee began to wonder if the older man had even heard him.

“Dad?”

“Because we have to. Now go get your stuff.”

“We don’t have to,” Baylee protested, “Tour doesn’t end for six more weeks, right?”

“It ends for us. Go get your stuff.”

“I don’t understand!” He was getting frustrated now. Why couldn’t Dad just tell him what was going on? Why couldn’t anybody ever tell him what was going on?

“Baylee, damnit, just get your stuff! Be ready in ten minutes.”

“No! I don’t wanna leave! You can’t make me!”

BAM! He’d just taken the wrong step…

 

November 2015

“I think I can hear them!” he exclaimed excitedly.

“Shh!” Dad warned. “Okay, I’ll open the gate, you guys… don’t move!”

“Is he always this authoritative?” she wondered, “I can’t remember exactly…”

“Not on Tuesdays,” Baylee murmured quietly and she laughed. “You’re funny. You got that from your father, didn’t you?”

“Mom can be funny too,” Baylee paused for a second, “Wait, no, it’s my Dad definitely.”

“Haha, I want a kid like you,” she stated and Baylee frowned at her.

“Err, thanks… I guess.”

“Oh yeah, that was a compliment.” She assured with a smile. Faintly, they could hear the front door open and loud voices coming their way. Baylee’s eyes got big and he frantically gestured to her.

“Get down! Get down! They’re almost here!” he said urgently.

She dropped like a ragdoll and Baylee snickered. The door to the living room opened and the others stepped in. He had to supress a laugh because of the priceless expression on Nick’s face. He looked fairly suspicious and seemed prepared for attacks of all sorts. Dad’s endless pranks from the past had put a radar on Nick and he was ready for nearly anything.

“Now!” Dad yelled suddenly and it became clear that Nick had been prepared for nearly anything, but not everything. Baylee would never forget the look of pure surprise in his eyes when she appeared from behind the stool. The surprise soon turned to an expression of joy.

“You? How? What are you doing here?” he exclaimed, jumping up and down in excitement.

“Well, I actually just came for Baylee’s birthday in two weeks, but hey, it figured you’re here too!” Lauren joked lightly, laughing when Nick threw his arms around her neck.

“God, I’m so glad you’re here!” he yelled happily.

“Alright big boy, I’m glad I’m here too!” she smiled.

“I love you so much, please don’t ever leave me!” Nick rushed quickly and Lauren laughed. Baylee wasn’t fooled. He could read the hiding meaning in Nick’s word and it made him frown.

 

March 2015

You think I want to leave? Do you?his father demanded harshly.

“I… I don’t know,” he drawled nervously.

“This wasn’t my idea either, you know!”

“It wasn’t?…” he replied lamely.

“No! You can thank my friends for this!” Dad declared, stalking away to the bathroom. Baylee let himself drop unto the bed. Suddenly it became crystal clear what must have happened. Baylee had been waiting for this moment for a long time actually, but he’d never figured Dad would have reacted the way he had. This is so not right.

“You’re ready?” Dad questioned impatiently when he returned from the bathroom. Baylee could clearly read the exhaustion in his eyes, see the lines of pain on his face and realized that whatever Nick, Howie, Kevin and AJ had done, was probably for the best.    

 

 

End Notes:

please review for more, thanks!

41. Kill It With Fire by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

Finally, FINALLY, I think I got it right. After writing, rewriting and yet again rewriting. I feel like THE FIGHT should have had some importance, something weighty. I just couldnt get it right til now, I hope :)

please review guys!

  1. Kill It With Fire

He felt like he was in the wrong place, as he watched his son unwrap the presents for his birthday. Baylee had outsmarted him by asking if he could invite people to his party.

“Yes, I don’t see why not.”

“Anyone?” the soon to be thirteen year old had asked innocently. It had make Brian rethink his compliance once more, but it wasn’t like he could take it back now.

“Depends…” he’d drawled suspiciously.

“What about Jason?” Baylee had tried. Brian had nodded, because, yes, Jason was a good kid. He and Baylee had been friends for a long time. Not inviting the boy would be wrong.

“What about Steve, can I ask Steve?” the young man had prodded. Brian had narrowed his eyes, trying to remember who Steve was. Over the years, Baylee had had such a great assortment of friends, it became really hard to keep track of them. Some friends he’d brought home were apparently only his friends to see if he really lived the way he boasted about in school. He’d told Brian afterwards that they would only hang around the house, waiting for the once famous popstar to come out of his hiding place. Baylee had told them time and time again that, no, his father wasn’t usually home on school days and that they’d better leave, if that was the only thing they’d come for.

Brian figured Steve probably wasn’t one of those friends, cause Baylee hated those friends. He wouldn’t invite those kind of people to his birthday.

“Steve from across the street?” he had guessed randomly.

“No! I hate that dude!” Baylee had informed with a scowl.

“Oh…”

“I meant Steve Barley, he’s awesome’’ the boy had confirmed solemnly and Brian had nodded his approval again.

“Oh.”

Apparently, those had been the kind of answers Baylee had been waiting for and as he noticed his father’s attention slip, he’d gone on and on about who was supposed to come to the party. Most of the names Brian didn’t recognize and at one point, he didn’t really care anymore and stopped listening altogether.

Now as he watched the large crowd of people he realized Baylee had actually taken advantage of the situation. Everyone was there and he couldn’t feel more out of place. Well, at least Baylee is happy, he thought moodily. He watched how a three year old Ava McLean planted a huge box in front of Baylee’s nose, she laughed out loud and then resolutely took off running. It couldn’t even bring a smile to his face. He sighed and when Baylee looked his way, he faked a smile for his son’s sake.

“Hey, question!” Two incredible large hands landed roughly on his shoulders and he felt himself jump a mile up in the air. Spinning around he saw Nick standing behind him with a devilish smile on his face.

“Oh my God, what?!” Brian yelled out.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” Nick said sweetly, but his smile told the opposite story.

Are you scared Brian? You’re scared Brian. Brian, you scared?

“There was something you wanted to ask?” He ignored the lame apology, not really in the mood for a conversation.

“Oh yeah, is it okay if… umm,” the Backstreet Boy hesitated, looking away. Brian frowned and when he looked behind his best friend, he saw Lauren waving awkwardly at him.

“If what?” he muttered.

“What?”

“What?”

“Oh right! See, Lauren and I have been talking about, umm, you know…” Nick watched his feet again and Brian rolled his eyes. This was getting old fast.

“Spit it out, dude!”

“Okay, we were just wondering when we were getting back to California,” his friend breathed.

“You mean?”

“Ah see, now my shoulder’s almost better, I kinda guessed it was time I got back home…” Nick looked at him hopefully, his eyes big. It reminded Brian of all those times Nick needed something from him in the past. Was he asking for his permission?

“I… right, you’re right.”

“Really?” Nick’s eyebrows shot up. Brian gave a short laugh.

“Yeah, I’ve had you hanging around the house long enough, time to get back to work, mister!” He smiled half-heartedly and wondered if Nick could tell he was faking it. Probably. He’d never been the best of actors.

“You sure?” Nick asked, “Cause you know, if there’s still something you need me to do, then…”

“Ah, no man! I don’t need you!” Brian smiled but stopped when he saw Nick’s hurt expression, “I-I mean, I can take care of myself you know…” He wanted to kick himself. Why couldn’t he say the right thing? It wasn’t that hard, was it?

“Oh, okay,” Nick mumbled and turned around.

You’re letting him down, Brian. You’re letting everybody down, Brian. Why do you always let everybody down, Brian? Do you just, don’t care anymore? Do you even care, Brian?

He shivered, trying to tell the voice to shut up. It just seemed to listen less and less to him. He knew it was trying to drive him crazy ever since he came out of the hospital, but he wasn’t gonna let that happen.

“Hey Rok! You okay?” a gruff voice asked from behind him.

“Ugh, is it ‘scare the crap out of Brian’ day, today?” he growled grimly.

“Umm, no,” AJ spoke hesitantly, “It’s Baylee’s birthday. Cheer up buddy!”  The younger man handed him a drink, “besides, ‘scare Brian’ day isn’t for another two months.” He muttered jokingly.

“Thanks, good to know,” Brian laughed, he could always count on AJ to cheer things up. He was actually glad he finally had a chance to talk normally to one of them. When the three of them had shown up at the party, they’d just solemnly walked up to him, greeting him like he was some long lost myth they’d once heard of, but had never seen with their own eyes. Maybe, in some way, he was. He’d just wanted to squirm out of their apologizing stares.

“So,” obviously AJ was looking for a conversation, “looks like we’re in the alcohol-free zone again,” he said, lifting his coke-bottle.

“Shouldn’t be something new for you then,” Brian smiled wickedly.

“Touché,” AJ grinned back. Sometimes, Brian still couldn’t believe they were actually able to make jokes about it now. It had seemed like such a drama back then. The whole world had known. Maybe, just maybe, time did ease things.

But you don’t have time, Brian. You don’t have time. It’s the end, Brian. You can feel it, can’t you? Do you even care it’s the end?

Shut up…

He didn’t even realize he’d said it out loud until he noticed AJ abruptly stop talking. “I… err…’’ his younger friend stammered confused, “okay…”

“No, not you. I meant… never mind. I don’t know what I meant.”

“Look, I understand if you don’t like to talk to me, man,” AJ looked guilty. Just great.

“No, no, that’s okay, it’s not your fault, Alex,” he assured quickly, “in fact, I forgave the four of you a long time ago.”

“That makes it even worse,” his friend muttered quietly.

“How?”

“We should have come here sooner,” AJ explained, “we were just, I don’t know, scared I guess…”

“And selfish, add selfish,” Brian smiled.

“It’s not funny,’’ AJ sulked.

“It’s a little funny.” Finally, there was a smile on AJ’s face too. “That’s it! Smile! Cheer up! It’s a party!” Brian exclaimed, throwing his friend’s advice back at him.

“How’s this for a party?” AJ said, challenging. He stalked over to Baylee, said something to the kid and then came back. “Look what I got!”

“Should be excellent for your balding head, dude!” Brian watched as AJ put the birthday hat on top of his receding hairline.

“Last time I checked, I still got more hair than you, dude,” AJ challenged tentatively, studying his friend closely, trying to see if he would take the bait.

“What can I say, yours is actually a natural process, irreversible, dude.

“Touché.”

 

March 2015

“No! You’re not kicking me out, are you?” The gigantic pit in his guts grew even more as he realized, that yes, they actually were. “You can’t do that!”

“You’re right, we can’t,” Kevin admitted quietly.

“But?” Brian was not stupid, he knew there was a but.

“But you can,” his cousin added softly.

“You’re not making any sense, man.”

“Face it, Brian. It’s not gonna work like this.”

“It’s fine!” He spat heatedly.

“No, it’s not!” Kevin exploded suddenly, making the group of four jump, “don’t pretend like you cannot see what we cansee!”

“What he’s trying to say is…” AJ tried fearfully.

“I get what he’s trying to say! I just want to hear it from him,” Brian said darkly, motioning for AJ to keep quiet.

“Look, cuz,” Kevin cringed at the fury in Brian’s eyes when he mentioned the last word, “this performing, the touring, it’s… it’s killing you.”

There was a long silence. Nobody even dared to breathe, it seemed. Brian took a few steps back, until his back connected with the wall, and clenched his fists.

“You have no idea, Kev,” he said hoarsely, trying to keep the tears out of his voice. “Do you really want to know what’s killing me?”

“Bri…”

“This!” he angrily pointed to his head, the words flowing from his mouth, hitting his bandmates like arrows, “This is killing me either way! And yes, maybe touring is speeding up the process, but does it really matter anymore?”

“Don’t say that…”

“Why not? Because you don’t wanna hear it? Because you can’t face the actual truth? This isn’t Disneyworld, Kevin. Truth is hard, and… and unfair, and sometimes, truth makes you wish that truth was a lie!” he snarled outraged. He could see his cousin backing away, upset. He really didn’t care anymore, just one more kick and Kevin would be down.

“Brian, just…”

“Just what?” He was probably going too far, but couldn’t stop himself anymore. It was like someone opened up a faucet of his frustrations, and now… they just came pouring out. “Just calm down? You know, of all people, you…” he stopped himself just before it was too late. Kevin was not gonna let it go, though.

“What?” the dark haired man challenged darkly, already knowing what his cousin had meant to say.

Brian didn’t answer, and the two relatives continued to stare at each other, like they were holding a contest, neither of them willing to give in. Finally, the oldest came up closer to his cousin, his face matching the amount of anger in Brian’s now.

“Say it!” he hissed, just inches away from the younger man’s face.

“No,” Brian said, shaking his head.

“Come on! Let them hear it!” Kevin spewed, wildly flailing his hands to the other three, who had backed away considerably. “Of all people, I what? Huh? Just say it!”

Brian really didn’t want those words to leave his mouth. He knew that some things were better left unsaid, but he was just too angry to think that clearly. Besides, if he gave up now, the others would have won, and he couldn’t let that happen.

“Of all people, I thought you would understand what cancer does to a person,” he muttered quietly. A collective gasp filled the room, the other Backstreet Boys watching him in shock. Kevin didn’t move for a moment, but when he did, Brian was sure his cousin wanted to hit him. The only thing that was probably holding the oldest member back was the ugly scar on his cousin’s head, only partly covered by the filthy, blue baseball cap.

“I don’t have time for this,” he spat hatefully, turning away.

“Kev!” AJ yelped suddenly, ‘Kev, wait!”

“No, I’m going,” he said, spinning around one more time, pointing a stern finger at his cousin, “but you just remember, we are just trying to think of what’s best for you, because you’re too goddamn stupid, or stubborn, or both, to do that yourself!”

“This isn’t your problem, Kevin,” Brian answered slowly.

“We just want to help you!”

“But you can’t! Nobody can! This thing’s in my head, in as long as it’s in there, I get to decide what to do with it, got it?” He was breathing hard now, tears of frustration pouring from his eyes. Why couldn’t they just understand?

“So you choose to kill yourself? Have you already given up?” Kevin asked incredulously.

“I don’t have a choice. I just don’t wanna sit around, waiting to die, don’t you understand that? I want to do something useful while I’m at it,’’ he concluded with a sigh.

“It’s too dangerous,” Howie spoke up for the first time since they started the discussion, “Besides, what do we tell the fans?” He was right, Brian knew that, because Howard was always right. He sighed defeated.

“Do you guys really want me to leave that bad?” he asked softly, “Frack?”

When Nick didn’t answer and kept staring at the ground, Brian knew enough. With the sharp stab of betrayal evident in his eyes, he left the room, not saying another word.

 

 

End Notes:

thanks for reading! please review on this chapter for more updates :D

42. Long Way Down by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

oh yes, wrote this chapter in 'just' two days. At least it's a long one. I'm getting slower and slower as I'm trying to think of a fitting ending to this story, but I think I've got one now... :)

Just about 5 more chaps to go I think...

  1. Long Way Down

“You wanna give it to him now?” She whispered in his ear and he looked up, snapped out of his thoughts.

“Huh?’’ he asked a little dazed.

“The present,” she explained exasperated, giving a small flick of her head.

“Oh!” he remembered suddenly. He’d been a little nervous about giving it to the birthday boy, wondering if it was too soon. He just hoped Baylee was going to like it. “Yeah, yeah, definitely.”

“Okay, well, he doesn’t seem busy now,” Lauren suggested impatiently and Nick looked at the kid. It was amazing that Baylee was alone. Nick suspected all of Atlanta’s twelve and thirteen year olds were present at the party. The entire backyard was crawling with overly loud teenagers. There were even girls, and Baylee seemed quite familiar with some of them, which made Nick wonder if Brian had had The Talk with his son yet. Probably not, kids didn’t need to have The Talk anymore these days, learning all they needed to know either in school or on the internet. In fact, if he thought he knew Brian at all, the older man would most likely wait until Baylee was twenty before ever discussing S.E.X. with him. So that will never happen.

Taking a deep breath, he lifted the slightly heavy box in his arms and brought it over to the thirteen-year-old. Confidently, he planted the present in front of Baylee, knowing that not many presents could impress the boy at this point. Surely this will.

“Hey little man, got you a present,” he declared with a grin.

“You know, you can’t call me ‘little man’ anymore, I’m thirteen now, you know,” Baylee stretched the word, making it sound like the number was a big deal.

“Sure he can,” Kevin interrupted, “Nick may be thirty-five, I’ll always call him little man,” he stated, smacking the back of Nick’s head resolutely.

“At which I always remind him that I’m taller,” Nick glared, rubbing the place where Kevin had hit him.

“Doesn’t matter, I’m older,” Kevin said cheerfully.

“Yeah, lots,” Nick mumbled under his breath.

“What was that, little man?”

“Umm, nothing. Baylee! Why don’t you open the box?” Nick called, changing the subject quickly. “It’s really special, you know. It’s something I definitely owe you,” he stated mysteriously, smiling.

Baylee’s eyes narrowed and he grabbed the box firmly. “What is it?” he asked, bringing the box up at eye-level to inspect it, “Jeez, it’s heavy!”

“I know. And don’t shake it either! It’s kind of… fragile…”

“Oh,” Baylee whispered, solemnly setting the present back down, clearly afraid to touch it. Swiftly, he unwrapped the orange ribbon that held the top of the box firmly in place. As he opened the lit, Nick saw the boy’s eyes go wide and his mouth dropped open.

“Oh my God!” Baylee yelled out. “He’s so cute!”

A few curious heads turned in their direction and some of the kids came running over. Nick laughed when he saw the girls swooning all over Baylee’s present.

“Err, technically, it’s a she…” he explained with a smirk. He watched the small crowd of children surround Baylee and the six weeks old Boxer-pup. “And that’s a dog.

“Are you saying a Maltese isn’t a dog?” Baylee challenged playfully.

“Oh sure they are,” Nick stated sternly, “if you call mutant baby sheep ‘dogs’, that is.”

“Ooh, what a sweetie! What are you gonna call her?” one of the girls Nick had noticed earlier, asked in a high voice.

“I’m not sure. Maybe I’ll call her Katie,” Baylee replied with a charming grin. Nick raised his eyebrows and his jaw dropped in surprise, realizing what the boy was trying to do. No doubt the girl’s name is Katie… Astonished, he glanced at Kevin next to him, but the oldest Backstreet Boys only shrugged at his cousin’s son behaviour. Who taught Baylee to flirt like that?

When he looked a little further, he could easily see the answer to that question. A few feet behind the crowd of small people, he saw AJ nodding approvingly at Baylee’s attempt, a huge, proud smirk plastered on his face. Of course, who else?  

 “That’s my boy!” AJ muttered quietly at Baylee when Nick walked over to him.

“I should have known you had something to do with it,” Nick said, shaking his head.

“Damn, someone’s oughta,” AJ swore softly, “I don’t see B-Rok teaching his kid the necessities anytime soon.”

“So you decided to take matters into your own hands?” Nick asked incredulously.

“Damn sure I did, and by the looks of it, he’s a fast learner!” There was that proud smile again and Nick couldn’t help but smirk himself, as he watched Baylee and Katie play with what seemed to be Little Katie now.

“You’re right, he does a good job…”

“I must admit, I’m kinda relieved too, you know….” AJs grin turned into a wicked one, “he fortunately does not have his father’s flirting skills… thank God…”

Nick laughed at that, “Yeah, by now, he would have the ladies running for their lives.”

“Ah, give him a little credit, he did get Leighanne with that attitude,” Howie appeared suddenly from out of nowhere and slapped a hand on Nick’s back. Apparently, he’d overheard their entire conversation. The man could do that without anyone ever noticing. In another life, Nick thought, Howie would have made one hell of a spy.

“No,” AJ stated, “Leighanne got him with that attitude, there’s a difference, D.’’

“Speaking of difference, where is the lovely couple?” Howie said, looking around.

“Umm, well, Leighanne’s over there somewhere,” AJ answered, vaguely waving his hand, “And I told Brian to go back inside, cause it’s too damn cold out here.” Nick shivered at the word ‘cold’. The kids didn’t seem bothered by the temperature, running around, jumping on the huge inflatable in the middle of the field.

“Wait, Howie!” he suddenly called, “what did you mean by difference?”

“Difference?”

“Yeah, you said ‘speaking of difference…’’”’Nick remembered.

“Ah, so you did pay attention to something I said,” Howard contemplated thoughtful.

“For once.”

“You know, it’s just that… I’m sure you noticed it the past few weeks…” Howie spoke slowly, looking sternly at him.

“Huh?” Nick had no idea what he was talking about.

“Just, I don’t know. The way those two behave around each other…”

“Are we still talking about Brian and Leighanne?” AJ interrupted, unsure.

“You guys are so blind sometimes!” Howie exploded, “don’t they seem, oh I don’t know, hostile to you? You know, how they used to swoon all over each other?”

Nick and AJ nodded stupidly, not knowing what to say. Nick had always known Howie was too perceptive for his own good, but this was absurd. Of course he knew why they should be hostile towards one another, but that didn’t mean that it was actually happening, did it? As far as Nick knew, Brian didn’t know about the thing of the thing. But then again, how much did Nick know?

“Now it just seems like Leighanne’s trying to make sure to stay as far away as possible,” Howie continued untroubled, “Was there a fight?” he turned to Nick.

“Err, no…” Nick answered, confused. There wasn’t, was there?

“Really? Cause by the looks of it, I’m guessing Baylee’s blaming his mother for something too.”

Nick’s mouth unhinged for the second time that afternoon. Just two hours and Howie figured all that out? Nick had been there for five weeks, and he hadn’t even gotten that far without Larry calling him. Howie is too smart to be in a boyband…

“Oh, really?” he asked lamely, trying to sound like he had no idea what Howie was talking about. But just as he’d expected, his friend could see straight through that too.

“I think you know damn well what’s going on here Nickolas…” the older man suggested sternly, looking him in the eye.

“Okay, okay,” Nick finally relented, “Let me just say, Bay’s got a very good reason to be mad at his mom, kay?”

“What do you mean?” AJ had found his voice again, “What’s going on?”

Nick knew there was no way back now.

 

March 2015

The kid didn’t have a right to be in this group of awesome people, and that was final.

Why am I even getting so worked up? The guy probably sings like shit, and once everyone’s heard him, we can vote him out.

At top speed, he flew down the stairs, running through the halls, praying he was not too late. There was so much left he’d wanted to say, but by the sounds of it, it seemed like Brian didn’t ever want to see them again. Nick had wondered if his friend had overreacted, or if the group had really gone too far this time. He recalled the harsh words that had been spewed by both parties in AJs dressing room and cringed, knowing that there was definitely no way back now.

Skidding to a halt when he suddenly reached the hotel room he’d been looking for. Raking up some leftover courage, he slowly walked up to the room, knocking softly on the door. Strangely, it wasn’t locked, and when he peered inside, he saw the room was empty, he grunted frustrated and looked around. Where could they be? Damn it, he should have done this in the dressing room, when there was still time, when Brian hadn’t stormed out furiously yet. He’d been too afraid, too much of a coward to stand up for his friend, so he’d kept his mouth shut, watching the other three turn the sick Backstreet Boy down mercilessly. He should have done something, should have at least let Brian know that he didn’t approve of the way things had gone down.

  Defeated, he put his head in his hands, sighing resignedly. He stayed like that for a while and was about to give up and get back to his own room when he heard a muffled voice echo through the halls.

“But Dá-had! I forgot… you know… We gotta go back!”

“No, we don’t!”

“But I need it!”

“You’re twelve years old, you don’t need it!”

With growing fascination, Nick listened to the bickering between father and son. He could easily tell that Baylee had no intention of going and that Brian was clearly on edge. He bit his bottom lip and thought furiously for a moment. Suddenly he remembered what it was that Baylee was talking about and jumped into the room, in search of the worn, stuffed rabbit the boy had had since he was three. He spotted the animal lying abandoned on the floor beside one of the beds and picked it up slowly. He frowned, realizing that Baylee would have never forgotten it if he hadn’t been dragged out of the room by his father. Nick stared at the rabbit a moment longer and finally stepped out into the hallway. He could still hear the faint voices ringing through the hotel, but they were further away than before. It took him only a second to realize what that meant and immediately he set off sprinting again, following the fighting voices down the halls.

Finally he spotted the two standing in front of the elevators, backs facing him. At once, he halted, panting. He felt his heart beating a drum in his throat, partly because of the madman’s run throughout the hotel, but mostly because he had no idea of what to do next.

“Brian, Baylee, wait!” he called out weakly, feeling his knees turn into jelly. Man up, you wussy!

He watched as the father and the son turned around in surprise, and clutched the stuffed rabbit a little tighter. When Baylee saw his toy in Nick’s hands, his eyes lit up. He quickly wiped his tearstained face before running over and snatching the rabbit out of Nick’s grip.

“How’d you know?” he exclaimed in relief.

“I’m kinda guessing the entire h-hotel knows, jud-judging by the rate the t-two of you were bickering,” Nick stammered, hesitatingly flashing a glance at Brian, who hadn’t moved an inch and stared straight at him. Nick had never been afraid of his friend before, but Brian had never obviously made Baylee cry before either. So now he was more than a little reluctant to look directly at his brother.

After a long moment of silence, he felt himself obliged to speak again, “A-actually, I-I was looking for you,” he admitted softly. He couldn’t hold the stammer out of his voice, knowing that if he said the wrong thing, this was probably the last time he would ever see the two people in front of him.

“What do you want?” Brian growled in a low voice, his eyes shooting fire. Nick swallowed uneasily and in just the nanosecond he looked his friend in the eyes, all the stuff he’d wanted to say, all the stuff he’d prepared to tell Brian, flew out of his mind, leaving him speechless at the sight of the tiredness in Brian’s eyes, the unhealthy complexion of his face. He opened his mouth, but closed it again as he couldn’t find the correct words to cover this moment. Instead, he just kept staring mutely at his friend. He cursed himself over and over again, remembering the same thing happening in a dressing room, not an hour ago.

“Figures…” Brian mumbled and turned around again, punching the elevator’s button a few times for good measure.

“Brian… wait,” Nick called again, his voice breaking.

This time, Brian didn’t turn around, but he stopped pushing the button of the elevator. Nick closed his eyes in frustration, wondering why everything was falling apart all at once. He realized everything had fallen apart already a long time ago, but up ‘til this point everyone had been denying that and now… now they were all faced with the ugliest of truths.

“Brian, please…” Nick tried desperately, whispering this time, not trusting his voice anymore.

What do you want?” Brian repeated, turning again. There was no trace of the warning growl that had laced his voice when he’d first spoken the sentence. The fire in his eyes was gone, replaced by the pale exhaustion that coated his entire posture.

Not wanting to waste any more time now, Nick didn’t care about the interested twelve year old watching them. In three long strides he forgot about all the words his mind was feverishly trying to make up. He had never been good with words anyway. This, he thought, this is my thing, as he wrapped his arms firmly around Brian’s bony frame. He felt his friend tensing considerably, but the older man didn’t try to break free.

“I don’t want you to go, I wish you could stay,” Nick murmured softly, finally letting the tears escape his eyes.

Brian gave a deep sigh and finally relaxed in the offered embrace. As Nick noticed his friend returning the hug, he realized that those had been the words Brian had been waiting for. For someone that cared enough to want him to stay. 

 

 

End Notes:

yay, I'm always a sucker for hugs at the end, so here, have a hug!

 

please review, thanks for reading :)

43. If Only Truth Would Conquer by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

yes! yes! yes! Finally got her in a trap! Yes!

It had been a long time since he’d felt the anger surging through his veins. It had been a while since someone had pissed him off this significantly. Being the father of a crazy three year old had mellowed him out somewhat. He was vaguely aware of Nick and Howie trying to get him to calm down, think about his actions, but didn’t pay them any mind. Maybe, on a later date, he’d look back on this moment and regret it, wishing that he hadn’t acted on impuls, wishing that he’d actually thought it through. It was hard to think straight when all you could see was a red blur though. Swiftly, after a few moments, he turned around and stalked through the crowd of children. Whenever they would step aside, he’d give them a furious look and they shrunk back immediately. In any other situation, he’d have smiled at that, knowing that a semi-bald, middle-aged, tattooed man with a beard could easily intimidate young people. Not now though, now he was seething in anger, panting in frustration, feeling like he could explode at a single snap of his fingers.

He hadn’t wanted to believe Nick’s words at first, but when he thought about it a second later, he’d had to draw the conclusion that there had to be some kind of truth in the youngest speech.

Think about it, Bone! They’re working on a ‘project’” Nick had spat hatefully, flailing his arms up at the mention of ‘project’. “You said it yourself once, Hitmen hasn’t been in business for over a year!

So that had been the reason why he’d needed to investigate Hitmen Entertainment so frantically a few weeks ago. He’d watched Howie nod slowly, and then close his eyes in resignation. AJ had put the pieces together then and had felt the fury invading every part of him. Of course! Now it all made sense. Baylee’s accusing stares towards his mother, Leighanne’s aloof demeanour whenever Brian was near, and her husband’s painful oblivion to everything.

“How long has this been going on?” he’d yelled suddenly, causing both Nick and Howie to jump in surprise. He’d seen the first flicker of hesitation in Nick’s eyes before the singer had answered. “According to Baylee, almost a year.’’

That’s when the blinding fury had taken over and now he was stalking around the field in search of the cause of his anger. It was as if Leighanne had sensed the danger and had fled while she still could. AJ knew that was impossible though and his eyes searched the huge garden.

“Alex! Hold on! What are you going to do?” Howard was trying to get through to him again, but AJ didn’t answer him, because honestly, he had no idea what he was going to do.

“I’m going to give her a piece of my mind,” he did know that much. “This has got to stop, don’t you agree? Now where the hell is she?”

Before Howie could answer, AJ spotted Brian’s wife standing outside of the group, shaking her head disapprovingly at Nick’s present. A smile of triumph touched his mouth and slowly, he walked over to her.

“Hey…” he drawled with a mischievous grin.

She turned around and then promptly stepped back, a little intimidated. “Hey,” she answered unsure, with a questioning look.

“So, how do you like the boxer?” He heard Nick sneer behind him and his smile grew wider. Nick had obviously gained some confidence about the whole thing.

“Young man,” Leighanne scolded jokingly, “you do know that those animals drool on everything?

“Yes,” he spoke the word slowly, mokingly.

“Good, and when my whole carpet is covered in dog hair, I’m calling you.”

“I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

“So hey,” AJ interrupted the two, “can I talk to you err, inside for a sec?”

“What’s it about?” she was frowning now.

“You know, stuff…”

 

                January 2003

                “Look, I already told you I was sorry, didn’t I? What more do you want?”

His fiancée, well ex-fiancée technically, stared at him with a cold hardness in her eyes. Yes, he was sorry, and yes, he knew that that wouldn’t cut it. The old familiar feelings of pure self-hatred came back full force as he stared desperately into her wounded and disappointed eyes. He was an asshole, always had been, he didn’t deserve someone like her. She didn’t deserve someone that was only going to cheat on her.

“Just shut your mouth Alex, cause I don’t wanna hear it.” With that, she turned around, throwing the ring he gave her only months ago on the carpet.

“Sarah, wait!” he called hoarsely. He’d screwed up, screwed up so bad, but he knew that if there was anyone that could forgive him, it was her, even more than himself.

“No AJ! It’s too late, it too fucking late goddamnit! I can never trust you again!” He felt the sharp pang of guilt as he watched the tears streaming down her face, knowing that he was the cause of her pain.

“I swear, she meant nothing to me, baby! I love you! Please, give me another chance, I’ll do anything! I don’t want to lose you!”

“You should have thought of that before you slept with her,” she said unrelenting. “Next time you have a girlfriend, I hope for her sake that you’ll be able to keep your dick in your pants.”

“Sarah, please!”

“Goodbye Alex.”

 

November 2015

“Now can you tell me why you needed to talk to me?” Leighanne had grown considerably suspicious as they had made their way into the house. AJ hadn’t said another word the entire time and she was becoming a little worried, but curious as well.

“You’ll know soon enough,” she heard Nick say, who’d appeared right behind them. She didn’t know why, but it seemed like he was holding in some unexplained anger.

“Where’s Brian?” AJ barked loudly and he watched around in a wild manner. The behaviour of the two Backstreet Boys put her off immensely, and she felt the sudden urge to run away.

“He’s upstairs, asleep, I assume. It’s been a long day,” she replied hesitantly. It was only five o’clock, but remembering the way he’d almost seem to fall over in exhaustion at one point, she bet he was already sleeping like a log. She watched Nick’s face intently. He and AJ seemed relieved to know Brian wasn’t nearby, it did nothing to calm her nerves.

“Is that the only thing you wanted to ask?” she asked, although she already knew the answer.

“No, it’s not. But I assume you already know that…” AJ growled in a low tone. She couldn’t help but feel a little intimidated now. Would it be weird if she started screaming right here and now?

“What are you talking about Alex?” she asked instead.

“I’m talking about the little ‘free’ time you’ve had this past year,” AJ explained, coming even closer up to her.

“I’m not sure what you mean,” she tried, but felt realization dawning fast, although she tried to ignore it.

“I’m sure you know exactly what I mean!’ AJ almost screamed the last part. Leighanne desperately looked at Nick, but he didn’t seem like much help either.

“Does the name Larry Hitmen ring a bell?” he questioned instead, and she winced at the hatred in his voice. Her eyes got big and she stared at the two man in front of her, astonished, realizing they had her cornered.

“What about him?” she tried as innocently as she could. She was good at acting, had followed countless classes her entire life, but she good tell that the Backstreet Boys standing in her living room weren’t fooled in the least.

“Stop turning around it, Leighanne!” AJ exploded, “You know damn well what about him! Now, did you sleep with him or not?” he screamed, tired of having to touch the subject delicately.

Her mouth dropped and she stared at them with widened eyes, feeling the sudden rage well up inside her. What gave them the right to start interfering with her business? They’d never cared about that stuff before, had they? But just as quick as the anger, was the fear. Because, how much did they actually know?

“How dare you?!” she yelled, outraged, frantically trying to deny everything, because it was the only tactic she could think of right now. Make them believe you’ve done nothing wrong, that they are the ones going too far.

“Just answer the question, Leighanne!” Nick interrupted, “And don’t lie.”

“I can’t believe I need to explain myself before the two of you! Who do you think you are, having the right to accuse me of cheating? I would never do that! I’m not like you!” It was a low blow, but an accurate one and she watched the uncertainty growing in AJs eyes. Nick wasn’t so easy to melt though.

“It’s not about us, it’s not about the past,” he said sternly, not taking his eyes off of her. She just stared back at him, not knowing what else to do. She needed a way out, the familiar feelings of being trapped, that had chased her around all year, came back and she desperately watched the door to the kitchen.

“The relationship between me and Larry is purely professional, alright?” she tried, but Nick didn’t buy it for a second and she wondered where all her acting skills had actually gone to.

“I said, don’t lie!” He yelled suddenly and she looked at him in shock.

“I’m not lying!” she screamed loudly, hoping Brian, or anyone else could hear her. She didn’t want to have this conversation, not now, not ever. But certainly not before… no, she couldn’t even think about that, it hurt too much, it was too scary.

“No, then tell me what you and Larry, have been doing all year!” Nick barked, the rage exploding in his eyes.

“We’ve been working on a project, like I’ve told you a thousand times…” she explained helplessly.

“What kind of project?” Nick’s shaking voice was containing all the anger she could easily see dripping off of his face and she swallowed thickly.

“Theatre,” she whispered.

“Liar!” AJ spoke up again, “See, I know you are lying, cause we’ve checked!” he gestured to himself and Nick, “Hitmen’s been bankrupt for over year!”

A heavy, tense silence fell between the three, while she desperately searched for another excuse. She couldn’t find one and, knowing she’d have to surrender, that she couldn’t lie anymore, and for some reason, she didn’t want to anymore either, she looked up at the two.

“Okay, okay… Here’s the deal,” she began, defeated. 

 

 

End Notes:

please review for more updates, thank you!

44. The Final Verdict by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

I hope this explain a LOT. 

1.       The Final Verdict

 

“Why don’t you boys sit down first?” she asked, still feeling trapped while the two men were menacingly hovering above her. She couldn’t believe she was actually going to do this. Deep down, though, she’d always known she’d have to come clean one day, just, not before the Backstreet Boys. And certainly not before AJ McLean and Nick Carter…

 

She nervously stared out of the window that gave a wide view of the field, and to her relief, Baylee and his friends were still playing with the little dog. Had that been part of Nick’s plan as well? She took her time to look Nick and AJ in the eyes, letting them know she wouldn’t be lying this time, before she started speaking.

 

 

 

December 2014

 

He’d finally fallen asleep, or had passed out, or both. She gently moved his head from her lap to the pillows and climbed as carefully as possible out of the too large hospital bed. She didn’t expect him to wake up, but when he did, she was there by his side.

 

“Where you going?” he whispered, still half asleep.

 

“I’ll be right back, baby. Just taking care of some stuff, kay?” she assured him and smiled encouragingly, watching him smile back slightly before closing his eyes again. She planted a light kiss on her husband’s forehead, squeezed his hand and finally left the room. She couldn’t be in there any longer.

 

 

 

November 2015

 

“It was the first chemo in five months,” she said sadly, “he actually took it really well, maybe because he was still going strong at that time, maybe because he knew I couldn’t handle it if he didn’t take it well…”

 

“That was around the time the tumour got back, wasn’t it?” Nick questioned resignedly.

 

“Oh the tumour had been there all that time,” she told them, “in all those five months we thought we were cancer-free again, it had been hiding, too small to really do much damage. But I know now it was just waiting to strike back, and when it did… God, I was so scared…” she talked about the cancer as if it were a monster, cause that was how she felt about it. It was a monstrous thing, trying to destroy her family, to take away one of the people she’d loved more than anything.

 

“What happened?” AJ asked. She realized they really didn’t know much about the medical history of their friend. They only knew the basics, which were scary enough. She was sure, if they knew everything she knew, they’d be able to understand why she’d done what she had.

 

“He didn’t know about the seizure,” she said softly, knowing that they didn’t either. “He still doesn’t, cause I’ve never told him. I couldn’t, he’d only get scared. He just thinks he’d been hallucinating, but it was so much worse. And Baylee was there!” Of course the boy hadn’t really understood what was happening to his father and Leighanne had made it a priority to get their son out of the room as soon as possible, but that didn’t mean Baylee hadn’t started asking questions.

 

“He didn’t recognize me for three days,” Leighanne admitted and watched the two singers hang their heads. They’d never realized how bad it really was.  She remembered trying to keep him down, screaming for someone, anyone to call an ambulance. Thankfully her parents-in-law had been around to help, cause she knew she wouldn’t have been able to handle it on her own.

 

“Where does Larry fit in all of this?” Nick questioned impatiently.

 

“Hold on, Nickolas, we’ll get there, alright?” she promised him sternly.

 

 

 

December 2015

 

As soon as she had left the room, as soon as she had made sure she was out of Brian’s view, she let herself slide down against the wall of the waiting room and put her hands in front of her face. In all the two weeks since they had known Brian was sick again, she had never realized what they were in for again. Sure, she had already known the verdict ever since the seizure. It had been obvious as daylight. The doctor didn’t even have to tell them the whole story again. Yes, she had known the cancer was back, but now that Brian had to have the first round of medication again, now that the thin blond hairs, that he’d been so proud of, were already starting to fall out again, now the meaning of the situation that was reality dawned upon her, and she couldn’t take it.

 

It wasn’t unusual for people to cry in a waiting room and people that saw her didn’t question it, knowing everyone had their own reasons to cry in this place. The choking feeling she’d had all they was now suffocating her and she felt so powerless, fighting desperately for control she didn’t have. She didn’t want to do this. She didn’t need to go through this all over again, did she? Had everything they’d so frantically tried, for the past year and a half all been a waste of time? Was she really trapped inside this nightmare again?

 

It just wasn’t fair! Not to Brian, but neither to her!

 

She stared at her telephone for a long time, indecisive. If she were to do this, there was no way back. But she needed this, she needed to escape this horrible world of sterility, of IV bags, of sickness, and of death. She needed a better life… she needed another life. Besides, if it was just for one time, what could it hurt?

 

Finally making the decision, she dialled a number she’d searched up not such a long time ago, and held the phone to her ear with shaking hands. “Larry?” she sniffled when the phone was picked up, “It’s me, Leighanne.” She was sure he could hear the tears in her voice, “Remember me?”

 

 

 

November 2015

 

“I was selfish, I was weak,” she choked out, desperately searching the Backstreet Boys’ faces, searching for some kind of understanding in their features. She noticed AJ couldn’t look at her and Nick’s expression seemed to be carved out of stone. She  sighed before she continued.

 

“I’ve known Larry since high school. He was the type of guy that would hang around the popular girls and hope to even get a little bit of recognition from them. We used to call him and his gang, the Loser Troofers.”

 

Nick’s face didn’t change, but his eyes got darker, it seemed. “So let me get this straight, you ditched Brian, for a Loser Troofer?” he spoke slowly, incredulous.

 

“It wasn’t like that. I know I did a terrible thing. On any normal day, he would have been the last person I’d have called, but then… then it just seemed to fit…”

 

How?” She could tell Nick didn’t understand a word from what she said, and when she thought about it now, she didn’t either.

 

“I knew he’d always been in love with me. It was so obvious in High School, he even tried to ask me to prom,” she laughed sadly when she remembered that, “I thought he was kind of cute, we even went out once, but, you know how things work in High School, it just didn’t work out.” She paused for a moment and looked at them, “I called him in particular, because I knew he’d be the only one to hear me out.”

 

 

 

December 2015

 

Larry frowned in confusion. Was this some stupid joke from one of his friends? Were they teasing him again about his long lost love? Or could this really be her? And if so, what did she want?

 

He decided to play it cool, well, play it his kind of cool anyway, “Hey Leighanne!” He gushed a little too excited, and quickly reprimanded himself, “dear God, I haven’t heard from you in almost thirty years!” By now he was really hoping that this wasn’t a joke.

 

“I know,” there was a weird tone in her voice, she sounded sad, crying almost, “God, I don’t even know why I’m calling you…”

 

“Hey, you’re crying? What’s going on?” he tried to sound sympathetic, but it was hard to do for someone he hadn’t spoken for so long.

 

                “I just can’t take it anymore, Larry. I need a way out of this mess,” she confessed softly.

 

“What are you talking about? I bet you have a beautiful life! Didn’t you get married to that Backstreet Guy?” Of course he knew about the Backstreet Guy, of course he knew about the wonderful life she lived, a life without him…

 

“I can’t… he’s not… we don’t… I need to get out!” she cried into the phone and he winced. Her words didn’t make much sense to him, but the last part sparked up a flame that had been there all along, just waiting to burn again. Could this really be his chance? Finally, after waiting so long?

 

“Hey, if you want me to come by someday…” he suggested nonchalantly, showing only a little bit of excitement.

 

“Would you?” she sniffled hopefully. He still wondered why she was crying. Maybe the Backstreet Guy had dumped her for something younger? Maybe Larry could be there to comfort her? Maybe Larry could be there to hear her story and wipe away her tears? Maybe Larry could be a good friend for her? Maybe Larry could be even more? His wild imagination flared and he jumped up from behind his messy desk.

 

“Of course I would! Just tell me when I can drop by, and I’ll be there,” he assured her vividly.

 

“Err, how about Monday?” she suggested, a little taken aback.

 

“Sounds great!” he said, totally forgetting the meeting they had scheduled that day. The company had some huge depts, and attending one more meeting wouldn’t keep it from going bankrupt. He’d already given up hope. “Just one thing though! What about your husband?” He was almost certain the Backstreet Guy was the reason she was crying so hard, but he needed to be sure.

 

“Oh he won’t mind.”

 

 

 

November 2015

 

“Why did you do it?” AJ spoke up softly. The anger had vanished from his eyes, there was only cold disappointment now.

 

“Because I lost hope, and so had Larry,” she looked down, taking a moment to compose herself again, “Do you know what the first thing was Brian did when he learned the tumour was back?” she asked, looking up. The two shook their heads dismissively and she continued, “he promised me he’d fight, that he wouldn’t give up. He still had hope, but the thing was, I didn’t. I didn’t believe in a cure, all I could see was death lurking around every corner, trying to steal my husband away. I couldn’t watch his false hopes get crushed every three weeks. I couldn’t watch him being so sick all over again. So I didn’t watch…” she admitted, avoiding the stares of Nick and AJ.

 

“What do you mean?” Nick spoke slowly, not really wanting the answer, but needing to ask.

 

“Larry’s company had almost gone bankrupt. It felt like he was in the same kind of hopeless situation as I was. Of course I know that cancer and bankruptcy are two total different things, but that didn’t matter. Fact was, that Larry was feeling miserable, and so was I.”

 

“And so was Brian,” AJ growled and she looked up, smiling apologetically.

 

“I knew that, and I felt so guilty whenever I was with Larry. But I couldn’t help myself. It was like an addiction. When I felt like I couldn’t breathe when I was at home, whenever Brian got too sick that it wouldn’t matter if I were there or someone else, cause he wouldn’t be able to tell the difference, that’s when I called Larry.”

 

“You just needed someone to help you escape, to help you release the tension. And you did it with sex?” Nick questioned.

 

“Partly. When I was with Larry, I felt like I could talk. I told him everything I couldn’t tell Brian. It was the difference between the two of them. Brian needed me to be strong, I couldn’t break down in front of him. The worst thing was though, that he thought he needed to be strong for me too. We didn’t talk anymore, not like we used to. Our feelings were kept inside. I pretended to share the same hopes he had, and he pretended he was fine when he really wasn’t, just to make true to those hopes. It’s really hope that destroys everything…,’’ she whispered, wiping her eyes, ‘’I didn’t have to be strong in front of Larry. He was my getaway. I think he knew that too. I think he knew that I was only with him, because I couldn’t handle being with my husband. Because I couldn’t handle supporting him,” she was crying now, thick tears of shame, “It wasn’t fair what I did. Not to Brian, but neither to Larry.’’

 

 

 

October 2015

 

Giggling, she pushed him over to his part of the bed, still panting in exertion. Larry wasn’t the best bed partner one could wish for, but it was better than nothing. She could hear her phone ringing again, like it had a few minutes earlier, but they’d been busy then.

 

“Hold on,” she told Larry, who was already hovering over her again, before picking up her phone.

 

“Hello?” she frowned at the high speed of words flowing out of her son’s mouth, “Baylee, what did I tell you about speaking slowly?”

 

Baylee started his story again and this time Leighanne could make out the words he was saying, “Wait, what? Nick called?... Why?... Yeah, logically… Did you get him back inside? Good… Okay, I’ll be home as soon as I can…” she looked apologetically at Larry, who’d sunk back against the pillows, a disappointed look on his face.

 

“Sorry, hun… I’ll call you when I get there, okay?”

 

“Okay,” he replied before giving her one last kiss.

 

 

 

November 2015

 

“I totally forgot about him when I got here,” Leighanne admitted shamefully, “He must have gotten impatient, that’s why he called me one day, and you picked up.” She stared at Nick, trying to make something of the look in his eyes.

 

“In sickness and in health, Leighanne, does that still mean anything to you?’’ AJ said softly. When Leighanne didn’t answer and just looked back at the ground, Nick spoke up.

 

“I just have one question,” he said sternly, forcing Leighanne to look up again with his voice, “Were you in love with him?”

 

She thought a long time before she answered, “No, and that’s the truth. I was in love with the careless, free time I had with him, that’s why I kept coming back, but Larry could have been anybody. He’s not Brian, and I’d choose my husband over anyone in a heartbeat.”

 

 “Just tell me this, has it stopped?” AJ asked and looked her menacingly in her eyes, “was that the last time you saw Larry?”

 

“Yes,” she replied honestly.

 

AJ nodded slightly, “Okay. Look, I think I can understand why you did it, but that doesn’t make it right. You know that Brian would have never done the same thing if roles were reversed.”

 

“I know. He’s just trying to be strong, but he doesn’t know why.”

 

“I know why,” Nick spoke.

 

“Oh yeah?”

 

“For his son, for his wife, for you!” he spewed, “Baylee needs his parents, and if you are not there to do the job, Brian has to!”

 

She nodded, “You’re right, I’ve abandoned both of them. I understand why Baylee’s mad at me now. He’s got every right to be. ” It all made sense now, all those times Baylee accused her of not caring enough, or why he preferred being with his sick father, rather than going with his mom. And it was all her fault.

 

“Right, well, I’ve heard enough,” Nick stood up, preparing to leave.

 

“Wait! You’re not gonna tell Brian, right?” she begged when she saw him leave.

 

Nick turned around and stared at her hatefully, “No. I’m not,” he growled. “But you are.”

 

 

End Notes:

Hopefully I've gained some sympathy for Leighanne, but if not, that's okay. :) Now there is about only one important person left that doesnt know...

45. Leave The Light On by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

Why not have some good news?

  1. Leave The Light On

They were going easy on him this time, had probably learned from what happened last time. He was glad for that. Glad that he could at least think straight for the time being. Because most of the times when they got the results of the tests, he was too far gone to understand and Leighanne had to tell him afterwards that the chemo hadn’t worked. Now he was there to hear it himself. For a moment, he wondered where his wife was, frustrated that he couldn’t remember that, she’d gone with him, hadn’t she? But if she had, then who was watching Baylee?

Nicky!

It was kind of weird, he’d thought Nick had wanted to leave, but surely he was still there. Brian didn’t ask him about it, cause he didn’t want his friend to leave. He didn’t know exactly why, but Leighanne seemed to be rather distant lately, often watching him anxiously, as if there was something she needed to tell him, something important. She was probably just worried that he wouldn’t remember it. He couldn’t blame her, there was a shitload of things he didn’t remember.

Staring accusingly at the poisonous needle in his hand, he almost didn’t notice the door opening. Almost. Startled, he shot upright in the bed and watched Nick tiptoe into the room.

“Oh, I thought you’d be asleep,” the Backstreet Boy said with a dumbfound expression.

“Nah, wouldn’t wanna miss the party,” Brian suggested, trying his best at a smile. He hadn’t expected Nick to be there and couldn’t wait to ask what he was doing here and where the hell Baylee was then, but he felt that he didn’t know so many words for that. Thinking furiously, he felt Nick coming to sit on the edge of the bed next to him. Where the hell had his vocabulary flown to?

“How you doing, man?” Nick asked softly and Brian looked up.

“Umm, kay,” was all he could think of at that moment, “Where’s L…”

“Leighanne?” Nick asked and Brian nodded, exasperated.

“She’s home, with Baylee, remember?” Nick stared at him, “You’ll have to do with me today.” Brian nodded as he recalled somewhat of the strange discussion that had developed earlier that morning. For some reason he didn’t understand, Nick had been awfully persistent in accompanying him to the hospital instead of Leighanne. They thought he didn’t notice the subtle changes in their behaviour, that he was too ignorant to see the tension between the two, but that wasn’t true. Maybe he couldn’t remember what he’d had for breakfast that morning, or where he’d left the keys for the garden shed, his guitar case, or the jewellery drawer (basically everyone nowadays made sure not to hand him the keys to anything), but he could still understand stuff. He wasn’t a three year old toddler in who’s company you could just hang around and discuss you deepest secrets without having to worry if he’d understand. He knew there was something going on between Leighanne and Nick and he didn’t like it in the least. He made a mental note to ask Nick about it later. Not now, now he was too tired.

Startled out of his daze, he watched surprised as Nick threw the magazine he’d been reading onto the bed and stood up. Brian raised his eyebrows at the sudden action and looked questioningly at his friend.

“Oh, I almost forgot!” Nick exclaimed and Brian winced at his volume, “You never guess who interviewed me when I went out for coffee!”

Brian watched him suspiciously before answering, “TMZ.”

He grinned when he saw Nick’s astonished expression. The Backstreet Boy opened his mouth, closed it and thought for a moment. “This is scary. Did that tumour give you psychic abilities all of a sudden?”

“Unfortunately no,” Brian smiled, “It’s just that they always show up when you don’t need them to.”

Nick paused a second, considering that kind of logic, “Yeah… anyway, they asked me what I was doing here at the hospital. You know what I said?” he asked, excited.

“I bet it was something gross,” he suggested, not really wanting the answer.

“I told them I was here to take care of a grown-in toenail,” Nick declared proudly, laughing madly.

“Charming,” Brian rolled his eyes, “Do you want me to puke my brains out?”

Nick’s eyes narrowed, “Would that make you feel better?”

“Not particularly, but I’ll make sure to throw up all over you!” They laughed and Brian relaxed, realizing he’d never had such an easy treatment. Sure, he was tired, sure, he felt like throwing up, but Nick did his best to make him forget about that stuff.

 

September 2009

“Please, stop whining.”

“Fuck you, it hurts all over,” Brian complained as they walked through customs at Tokyo airport, well walking, it was more like limping now. His knees were killing him, but he didn’t remember bumping into something. It didn’t help that the others seemed in a hurry and were already walking far ahead of him. The only reason Nick was there was that Brian had his bag slung over his shoulder.

“Come on, it’s our turn. And you don’t want to look…” Nick stared at him for a moment, “suspicious…”

Brian checked himself just to be sure, “What?”

“Never mind, dude. You look like shit! I mean, more than usual,” Nick grinned stupidly.

“Thanks Nickolas, how considerate,” Brian’s beaten voice got muffled as he made his way through detection. “You know, I feel like shit too.”

“Great. You know we’ve got promotion for the next four days, right?”

Yes, he knew that. That didn’t make him feel better, nor did the prospection of being on a plane for the next 17 hours. It’s gonna be a long flight.

“Yes, Nick. I know! I’m sorry I can’t force nature to not make me sick, alright?”

“I’ll just stay the hell away from you then, I don’t want to get sick as well,” Nick suggested.

“Sounds like a great idea,” Brian replied tiredly.

“Hey, tell you what, if you gotta puke right before we’re leaving, I’ll come look for you,” Nick offered with a witful smile.

“That’s great.”

 

November 2015

He squeezed his eyes shut, finally feeling the fog closing in on him. Keeping his eyes closed, he started to hum softly to calm his mind and the raging nausea in his stomach. He had no idea why, but recently he’d discovered that humming forgotten tunes helped him relax and he did it quite often now. The songs were familiar, even though he didn’t remember the lyrics, and they made him think of a time that was careless and hopeful and happy.

After a while he opened his eyes and saw Nick smiling at him, humming along with him to tunes he knew as well. Brian supposed they’d been in a band together once, cause often, when he closed his eyes, he could see them. Thousands of screaming girls, going crazy just for them. That feeling of ecstasy, of power was overwhelming, and he often found himself not wanting to open his eyes ever again. He wanted to stay in a dream, wanted to believe it could be real. Pretending like the last two years hadn’t happened, that he was okay, healthy, and that reality wasn’t real. In fact, he wanted to believe in that so much, that, sometimes, he did.

“Nicky?” he slurred and Nick looked up, surprised, “what time does the show start t’night?”

He couldn’t be sure, but he thought he saw Nick smiling sadly, “It’s at eight thirty, Bri,” he answered dutifully.

Brian nodded and winced at the hot spikes of pain that accompanied the movement, “Good,” he concluded, then frowned, “Wa’s the first song?”

Nick thought about that for a minute, then answered, “Long As You Love Me.”

Brian smiled contently and closed his eyes again, seeing the girls line up for the concert that night, “I like that song.’

“I know…” Nick choked, his voice thick.

“Don’t cry, it’s not a sad song,” Brian assured him and Nick gave a short laugh, though it sounded more like a sob. The girls were getting impatient as time went on and Brian figured they were waiting for them to do something.

“Are we doing sound check t’day?” he questioned, staring hesitantly at the crowd. The girls were all frowning now, and he frowned back.

“Sure, if you want to,” Nick offered helplessly, feeling like it was the strangest conversation he’d ever had. Brian couldn’t see him, but he knew Nick was there too, and he only hoped the girls were mad at him. The stage was strangely misted and he had to squint to make out the forms of Howard Dorough and AJ McLean. He could only faintly hear the music playing over the rush in his head. He saw some girls already leaving the place, tired of waiting.

“Oh!” he exclaimed, finally drawing the conclusion, “You have to start this song, I know you do!”

“What?”

“The song, Frack, the song, you start the song!”

“What song?” Nick asked in total confusion.

“The one you just said! Hurry up, they’re already leaving!” Brian was getting agitated now, wondering what was taking Nick so long. Howie and AJ didn’t seem to mind though. Alarmed, Brian searched for Nick, but still couldn’t see him through the thick mist that only seemed to get heavier on the darkening stage. They were turning down the lights on them and Brian had no idea why. Panicking now, he screamed for Howie and AJs attention. They didn’t move though and he wondered if they had heard him at all, so he screamed again. That was the moment Nick came into view and he felt the younger man gripping his upper arms roughly, forcing Brian to look him in the eyes.  

“Brian, stop it!” he yelled a little too loud and Brian winced.

“No! You’re a freaking singer, so you need to freaking sing!” Why didn’t Nick understand that? They’d been doing this thing for more than 15 years, right? Tearing his gaze away from Nick’s, he squeezed his eyes closed again. “AJ!” he yelled, desperate for the man’s attention.

“Calm down!” Nick was squeezing his arms again, a little harder this time and shook him, “Look at me, Brian, look at me!” he urged. “Whatever it is, it’s not real, understand? Now snap out of it!” he ordered sternly and Brian’s vision faltered for a moment, the stage blurring. Instead, Nick’s face came into view again and Brian panicked, not understanding what was going on.

“Wha-What’s happening to me?” he stammered, looking sideways, he saw Ronald, his male version of a nurse, trying to reattach the torn needle to his hand. “N-no, don touch me!”

“Brian? It’s okay, buddy, you just need to calm down,” Nick’s voice was steady, reassuring, and Brian felt his heart rate decrease somewhat. “That’s it, just… deep breaths, alright?” Nick suggested and Brian did as he was told, finally able to relax against the hospital’s pillows, giving Ronald access to his shaking hands. After the needle was in again, Ronald left, assuring them the treatment was almost over.

Shifting slightly, Brian whimpered and gripped the bedcovers tight, “I’m going crazy, aren’t I?” he asked Nick fearfully.

Nick smiled reassuringly, “No, it’s just the chemo messing with you, man.”

Brian wasn’t buying it, “Can you make it stop please? I don’t want this anymore,” he begged quietly.

“It’s alright, it’s almost done.”

Brian shook his head painfully, “No, I mean ever, I don’t want this anymore ever.

Nick felt his heart break and when Brian had finally fallen asleep he whispered, “Please don’t say that.”

After a few moments, he grabbed his phone.

“Leighanne?” he called softly, “…not tonight.”

 

The next time he woke up, the needle was gone and he could hear Nick softly talking to the doctor. He studied their profiles for a minute, seeing Nick frowning and the doctor talking with waving hands. Brian liked this doctor, he talked with his hands. Nick’s frown grew deeper and Brian assumed he wasn’t hearing very good news, but then his eyebrows shot up, surprised and Brian heard him exclaim something. He turned to Brian with what looked like a smile and then it was Brian’s turn to frown, wondering what had made his friend so happy. Looking behind Nick, Brian saw the doctor was smiling too and his heart picked up speed.

“I might have some good news,” said the man in the white coat and Brian liked him even more at that moment.  

 

 

End Notes:

no? YES!

46. Room With A View by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

so actually the 'past part' does not have anything to do with this chapter, but it was just a lot of fun to write :) It took a while to finish the chapter in a whole, because I wasnt sure if I wanted Brian to go through with it and was wondering what would have done in his position. I just hope he made the right decision...

46. Room With A View
“No.”
Nick frowned, not sure if he’d heard it right. No?
“Brian…”
“I’m not doing it.” It had to be a joke, he couldn’t be serious. He sounded serious, but he could deliver jokes like a professional. Was he indeed crazy? Wasn’t this what they had been waiting for for a whole year?
“Why not?” he asked astonished.
“I don’t want it!” Brian suddenly exclaimed.
“Don’t be so stubborn! This is your chance!” Nick felt like he needed to knock some sense into his brother. The doctor thought so too.
“Mr Littrell, you have to understand that when we do this, there might be a significant chance of remission.”
“Might, Henry, might,” Brian muttered and Nick sighed. So that was it. He’d watched Brian’s face intently when the doctor was talking and had seen the same joyous expression on Brian as there must have been on his own face, but half way through the story, the look in Brian’s eyes had darkened and now he was shaking his head disapprovingly.
“Doc?” Nick turned to the elderly doctor with glasses, that looked so much like a doctor, he could have played it on a children show. “Would you be able to excuse us for a second, I need to knock some sense in the knucklehead over here.”
The doctor nodded understanding, and left the room. Spinning on his heels, Nick turned to Brian, who was staring dejectedly out of the window. Cautiously he walked towards his friend, studying him for a moment, not knowing what to say.
“Can you take me home now?” Brian suddenly asked after a while, keeping his eyes fixed on the window. Sighing discontent, Nick sat down, ignoring Brian’s question.
“Do you know what we did those months after you left?” he began and when Brian refused to answer, he continued, knowing his friend had no choice but to listen, “Nothing!” Frustrated when Brian still didn’t react, he got up and walked up to the window and closed the blinds, not caring about his friend’s angry stare.
“For seven months we just hung around, lost. And you know why?” he called rather loudly, this time finally catching the older man’s attention. “Because we were worried… about you!” he said, “I know forcing you out of the group was the right thing to do,” Another vicious glare came his way, “but we hadn’t thought of the consequences, we hadn’t expected your reaction. Or maybe we had, but tried to ignore it ever happened. Truth is, we were scared out of our minds, scared that… maybe, just maybe you died… and we wouldn’t even know about it.” Nick admitted and he noticed Brian looking down. It needed to be done, but admitting to the fear he’d felt for those seven months wasn’t Nick’s favourite thing to do, and Brian knew that. “But you know what? I take not knowing, over knowing what you are about to do, anytime,” Nick concluded sternly.
“I can’t do it, it’s too much,” Brian finally replied brokenly.
“I know we’re asking an awful lot of you, but please, just please give it a try, Frick,” Nick begged desperately.
“We don’t even know it it’ll work this time, Nick.”
“But what if it will? Look at it this way, you’ve been given a chance to beat this thing, and you’re about to turn it down.”
“It’s just…” Brian began, but trailed off, his gaze fixed on the window again. Nick wondered what had happened to the hope Leighanne had mentioned. Sure, he could vaguely understand why Brian was refusing the new treatment, but that didn’t mean he had to agree with it.
“Remember what you promised your family when the tumour returned?” He was playing the guilt card, but he didn’t know what else to do, “You said you wouldn’t give up! You said you were gonna fight! You have to do this, Brian, for them!”
“I know, I know,” Brian admitted softly, “I just… I mean. You saw what happened last time they did that… I don’t think if I can go through that every three weeks. It’ll kill me…”
“Last time was a mistake, they’ll take precautions now. Did you even listen to dr. Quinn?” Nick asked, knowing that if the hospital hadn’t made the mistake of increasing the dosage last time, they would have never figured out how to force the tumour to shrink. And now it finally had shrunken, weren’t they supposed to be happy about that? But Nick suspected what the main problem was here, because of Brian’s bad reaction to the treatment last time, the hospital would have to watch his condition constantly, which meant that he wouldn’t be allowed to go home between the chemo’s anymore. Nick couldn’t help but be a little sceptic himself as well, because he had witnessed what had happened last time, and it hadn’t been very pretty, it had even gotten to a point where he’d thought he’d killed Brian because the meds were too late. Thinking about how bad his friend had looked then, and seeing that he didn’t look much better now, made him wonder whether Brian would have the strength at all to go through it again.
“I don’t want it,” Brian stated determined. Helpless, Nick let himself fall back in the chair, not knowing what to do to get through to his brother.
“It’s your last chance, Bri,” Nick warned softly. The doctor had made that very clear. If his friend didn’t want to take the treatment, there wasn’t much they could do for him anymore.
“You wouldn’t understand, Nick,” Brian looked at him, “and I don’t expect you to understand.”
“What do I not understand?” Nick challenged.
“It’s just… I’m tired, Nicky. I’m tired of being sick. Maybe… maybe I’m not supposed to do anything anymore. Maybe it’s just time to… you know…”
“No! Do not talk like that, you hear me? Don’t say that you’ve given up, I don’t wanna hear it! You said you’d fight!”
“Everyone dies, Nicky…” Brian muttered dejected.
“Not when they’re forty freaking years old!” Nick exclaimed incredulously. “Don’t you want to see Baylee grow up? Don’t you want to be there when he falls in love? Don’t you want to be able to disapprove of his girlfriends? Or of the career he’ll choose to have? Don’t you want to see him marrying some woman he loves? Don’t you wanna have grandchildren one day? Telling them stories about how their grandfather and his friends ruled the world once with their music? I would! You know I would do anything it takes to make sure I’d witness those kind of things!” Nick could barely get the words out through his clenched throat, his voice broken with tears and frustration. “You promised your son you’d be there to witness those kind of things! Remember? Remember that? How do you think he’s gonna react when you have to tell him you’re making the biggest mistake of your life?” There was nothing Brian could do but to listen to the unstoppable flood of words from Nick and flinch whenever the sentences hit home. When Nick was finally done talking, a heavy silence followed and he sank into his chair shakily, trying to get himself back under control.
“I know you’re right,” Brian finally whispered, “I just… I guess I’m just scared.”
Nick gave a sympathetic sigh, “I understand. You have every right to be.”
“No, I don’t think you do understand, Nicky. See, I’m not scared of pain, I’m not scared to die, I’ve had a lot of opportunities to think about death, more than enough. It’s just… I’m scared to die in here…”
“You’re not gonna die,” Nick stated determinedly.
“Says who?”
“Me.”
“Pfff.” Brian commented and looked away.
“Does that mean you’ll do it?” Nick asked hopefully. Brian sighed and let the silence linger in the room, sagging back against the soft pillows. After a while, he finally surrendered. “Fine.”

April 2001
“I thought you said you were good at skiing?” Brian questioned amused when he noticed Nick losing his balance for the umpteenth time. Nick gave him an irritated glare, because instead of helping him up, Brian seemed to prefer to just laugh at him. They’d been invited to go indoor-skiing, but Nick couldn’t remember by who. He regretted that now, cause he’d like to punch their face for making it sound so appealing. This was not appealing, and what was even worse, it had nothing of the charm it used to have when he was younger.
“I was!” he defended, “… ten years ago.”
The comment made Brian laugh even harder until Nick was afraid his friend was going to choke. Sulkily, he watched Howie sail off of the artificial snowy hill, casually waving at him, as if he did it every week. He probably did. Howie was a pro at skiing, he went at least once a year, so he knew his business. So did Kevin. Nick didn’t count on AJ, cause the boy never wanted to be near anything related to sports if it wasn’t in the form of bowling, darts, pool, or poker. So AJ was nowhere to be seen, which wasn’t such a surprised, seeing as he never seemed to want to do stuff with them anymore. He’d though he and Brian were in the same boat, because they both weren’t really used to skiing. But of course, because he was Brian, the boy had put on the ski’s and had sailed off like he’d never done anything else in his life. Sometimes, Nick felt envious for Brian’s athletic skills, and this was one of those times.
“Shut up, it’s not funny!” he shouted, offended. It was no use. The only thing it did was setting Brian off even more and this time Nick hoped his friend was going to choke. Shaking his head, he gave the older Backstreet Boy the finger and turned around. A few feet away from them, he could see Leighanne laughing too and it made his blood boil. Pissed off, he stuck out his tongue to her and she threw up her hands in a defensive manner.
“Hey, that’s my wife you’re insulting,” Brian commented with a smile.
“I’m just saying, she started it! She was laughing at me!” Nick pouted with a glare. He didn’t understand why Leighanne always needed to go with them wherever they went. Just because she was Brian’s girlfriend, oh excuse him, wife, didn’t mean she had suddenly acquired the right to laugh at him, did it? There was only one person who occasionally had the permission to laugh at him.
“Niiiiick!” His eyes grew wide when he saw his 14 year old brother gliding towards him at top speed. Apparently, bad skiing ran in the family and Nick couldn’t do anything but yell when Aaron collided with his chest and send them both falling to the snow covered ground.
“You… he… you’re… pffffft…” Brian snickered, doubled over in laughter, which caused him to ruin his own joke. This time, Nick would make sure his friend was going to choke.

November 2015
The magazines were old, wrinkled and full of crap. Sighing, Nick turned another page with a cautious expression. The front page had claimed that it had found the missing Backstreet Boy and Nick didn’t like to admit it, but it had surely peaked his attention.
He gasped when recognized the picture and promptly put the magazine down, afraid he’d woken Brian up. After a few minutes, when he was sure his friend continued his sleep, he picked it up again and studied the photo intently. He’d recognize the mall anywhere, its surroundings burned in his memories from when Leighanne had lost Baylee there only three weeks ago. Astonished, he watched the date on the cover page. November 27th. That was two days ago. Shit. When did they get this picture? Nick was sure that most of the people wouldn’t recognize this kind of Brian, but the header was no mislead. He felt stupid, he’d known that taking Brian with them on that day hadn’t been the best of choices, but his friend had persisted and could be very convincing at points. So whatever this useless magazine had found out about him, was his own fault.
“How’d you know I said that?”
Startled, Nick threw the paper on the floor in a desperate attempt to get rid of it. Smiling uncomfortably, he looked up at his sick friend, who had apparently woken up from his restless slumber. “Wh-what?”
“How’d you know I promised them?” Brian wondered, his non-existing eyebrows raised.
“I… err… because… err… you told me, remember?” he tried to explain himself. Playing the memory card was low, but he needed a way out.
“No, I didn’t.” Brian didn’t buy it anyway.
“Y-Yes, you did. You know… when we were talking about… stuff,” Nick lied, but knew he was failing miserably. Telling instant lies wasn’t his specialty.
“No, I wouldn’t have told you,” Brian said, sure. “The question remains, how did you know I said it?” he insisted.
Nick sighed, realizing there was no way out. “Leighanne told me…” he admitted softly.
“She… why?” his friend questioned with a frown.
“Doesn’t matter,” Nick muttered back, turning his gaze away from Brian’s suspicious look. He’d thought Leighanne had gotten off lucky when they had found out that the chemo would only be three days after Baylee’s birthday. That way, there was no chance of telling her husband about her adultery without him forgetting about it. But today he’d witnessed just how unstable Brian really was in this state about his condition and he started to have doubts if forcing Leighanne to admit to her faults was really the best idea at all. Nick had only just managed to convince his friend to go through with the treatment and he was pretty sure that Leighanne’s confession would surely not make things easier in that department. He was more than afraid that Brian’s fragile admittance to the treatment would be brought down completely when he learnt about his wife’s escapades. Nick would have to make sure that that didn’t happen and he hoped he hadn’t pressured Leighanne too much in admitting to her faults.
“What are you and my wife up to?” Brian continued his interrogation. Nick watched him surprised. So Brian noticed that, and not what had been going on between Leighanne and Larry for a whole year? Unless… unless he chose not to…
“We… err… nothing!” He wished Brian would stop his questioning, cause he didn’t know if he could keep this up much longer.
“Come on! I know something’s going on between the two of you!” Brian paused for a moment, studying him sharply, his eyes narrowing, “are you having sex with her?” he blurted at once.
Nick’s mouth dropped open at that and his eyes widened, “No!” he exclaimed horrified and Brian smiled.
“See, I can tell you’re speaking the truth by the terrified expression in your eyes,” he laughed lightly, “but you two are surely being secretive about something! I’ll find out,” he stated determined.
“Good for you,” Nick muttered uneasy.
When the doctor entered a few minutes later, it seemed like Brian was overflowing with energy again. “Henry, if I promised to say yes to the chemo’s, can I go home now?” he asked innocently with a bright smile. Dr Quinn’s face lit up at those words and he winked at Nick.
“Err… sure, if you’re sure you’re feeling good enough, I don’t see why not,” he suggested with a smirk.
“Great,” Brian concluded, already getting up and swinging his legs over the bedside.
“But remember, I’ll see you in three weeks,” the doctor reminded him.
Brian rolled his eyes exasperated, “I’ll see you in hell then,” he muttered softly and turned to Nick, “Come on, let’s go home and make these last three weeks of freedom worthwhile.”
End Notes:

what do you think: should Leighanne go through with it and tell her husband about her little adventures out of town, or not. Cause I'm kinda guessing that if she doesn't, this story would end in some sort of anti-climax, and we don't want that, do we?

Please, your advice would mean a lot to me :)

47. Eye Of The Storm by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

so no, it's not over...

  1. Eye Of The Storm

She watched him apprehensively. It had been a long while since she’d seen him in such a good mood.

“Aha! It’s my turn! You’re dead!” Nick warned excitedly and pointed his finger dramatically at Baylee. “Say goodbye to your parents, little boy!”

In a theatrical motion, he rolled the dice of the Monopoly game and she heard Baylee heave a sigh of relief.

“How did you kill me again?” he mocked and Nick stuck his tongue out.

“These things are broken,” he pouted, looking at the dice. “Bri, it’s your turn, bud.”

Brian painfully sat upright and Leighanne could easily read the exhaustion in his eyes. “Why don’t you get some rest honey, I’ll take over your part, alright?’’

At first it seemed like he was going to protest, but he just got up slowly, kissed her head, mumbled something, and walked away stiffly. She watched him leave, her heart pounding in her chest, and swallowed thickly. Fearfully, she looked at Nick, but the Backstreet Boy didn’t seem to have heard what Brian had said. The two had gotten home rather early and this time, the depressed mood that usually followed after a round of chemo non-existent, and Nick had told them all about the news they had gotten at the hospital. She’d noticed Brian keeping himself on the background and she’d realized why when Nick mentioned the unpleasant consequences of the new treatment. Brian was quick to asure them that there were still three weeks left ‘til the start of the chemo’s and that at least he and Nick had faith that it was going to work.

She wasn’t so sure.

She’d heard what he’d muttered so quietly, only she could hear.

We need to talk.

When she looked up she saw Baylee looking suspiciously at her and she raised her eyebrows questioningly. Finally he stood up, commenting he wasn’t gonna play anymore if Dad wasn’t going to, and he looked at her as if it were her fault that he left in the first place. This had to stop. She was tired of Baylee treating her like she was evil personified. Yes, she made a mistake, a big one, but she was still his mother, wasn’t she?

She noticed Nick getting up to, not knowing how to play a monopoly game on his own, but before he could walk away, she stopped him.

“He wants to talk!” she announced fearfully.

“About what?”

“Hell if I know!” she said, frustrated, “he doesn’t know anything, does he?”

“I don’t think so,” Nick replied cryptically.

“What do you mean, you don’t think so?”

“Well, he did seem suspicious,” Nick mused, “He thought you and me had it going on…

“What?” she exclaimed incredulously.

“I know right! Can you imagine…” he laughed, “maybe that’s what he wants to talk about.”

“Yeah, maybe…” she wondered.

 

April 1998

When he’d finally come back to the hotel room after the show, he was absolutely exhausted and she’d decided that enough was enough. Something needed to be done about this ridiculous business, and she knew exactly what to do to make him give in.

“Brian, we need to talk,” she announced forcibly.

“Can we talk tomorrow, I’m kinda tired,” he informed and walked straight to the bed, where he let himself fall with his face into the pillows. “God, I’m fried.”

“That’s what I wanted to talk about,” she let him know.

He didn’t answer and from the looks of it, he seemed to have fallen asleep already.

“Brian?”

“I’m listening,” he commented, his voice muffled in the pluche cushions

“Can you look at me when I’m talking to you,” she questioned, irritated. She’d only known him for not even a year, but she already knew she loved him with whole her heart, but the problem with him lately was that she was feeling like she had to act like his mother, rather than his lover. Sure, he could be serious at points, but never when she needed him to be. Maybe it shouldn’t bother her so much, he was six years younger than her after all, but sometimes she wished he would just grow up a little.

He pretended like he didn’t hear her and she sighed, knowing very well that he wouldn’t like what she was about to tell him. They’d had ‘fights’ about it before, though she didn’t really like to qualify them as ‘fights’, because ‘fights’ required more than her talking and him ignoring her. Most of the time she doubted that anything she said even got through to him. Taking a deep breath, she decided to just go for it.

“I was just wondering what you were gonna do when they make you reschedule again.” she rambled all at once. Brian didn’t move and just when she thought he’d decided to ignore her again, he lifted his head and rolled on his back, staring angrily at her.

“I dunno,” was all he had to offer and it made her blood boil. She was worried about him and she knew, that deep down, he was worried too. He had to be.

“Didn’t you hear the doctor?” she questioned incredulously.

“Yes.” He wasn’t all that talkative lately.

“They can’t make you reschedule again, Brian!”

“Don’t worry.”

“Look, I get why you’re scared…”

“I’m not scared!” he interrupted so harshly that he couldn’t be anything but.

“But you gotta consider what the doctor said! I don’t wanna have to wait ‘til you finally collapse on stage or something.”

“You’re overreacting.”

“Am I?”

“It’s fine. I feel fine.”

“Of course you do. Have you ever wondered why you always feel so exhausted after a show?” she asked and noticed him looking down, avoiding eye-contact. “No? It’s because your heart has to work a hell of a lot harder because it’s two times its normal size!” She had printed the doctor’s words in her head and was spewing them at him, because he just had to realize that this wasn’t normal.

“So? I’ll live…” he mumbled, still looking at the ground. She stared at him, incredulously.

“Fine!” she stated resolutely, making up her mind, she took a deep breath, “Kill yourself, I don’t care anymore. If you think this music group is more important than your health, it’s not worth it.”

“What do you mean?” This time he did look up.

“I’ll give you a choice. You can have me, the surgery, and your health back, or you’ll stay sick, reschedule it endlessly, and work yourself to death. See for yourself.” She took a shaky breath, realizing she’d just spoken one of her fears of the past six months out loud.

“It’s not that simple,” he grumbled.

“It doesn’t get simpler than that. Do you want me to spell it out? If you let them reschedule the heart surgery again, I’m leaving you.”

 

November 2015

He put his head on her shoulder and sighed. She could tell he was troubled but didn’t dare asking him about it, already knowing the dreaded answer. He is fine, he is always fine, even when he’s not. Would it be hypocrite to finally long for the truth?

 She’d thought he wanted to talk. She’d been too nervous at first, because it seemed like months since they’d really talked. When she’d found enough courage to go upstairs though, she’d found him just sitting there on the bed, staring straight ahead with that lost look as if he were some abandoned puppy she’d found in the streets. She’d come to sit next to him and they hadn’t moved or said a word ever since. At one point she’d just assumed he’d fallen asleep, until she felt him shift slightly, pull his head up again and stare at the ground.

“I don’t know what to do,” he mumbled quietly.

Leighanne didn’t answer for a while and the heavy silence returned. Eventually she just shrugged, “Me neither,” she admitted. “I guess we just have to… you know… go on…” She cringed inwardly, feeling like it was the worst advice she’d ever given him.

He looked at her with a slight smile and scoffed quietly, “Sounds like a plan,” he concluded.

“Brian?”

“Hmm?”

“I thought you wanted to talk?” She’d never been a really patient person and neither had he.

“I did?” he asked surprised. Of course…

“Yeah, you…” she started, then changed her mind, “never mind, I’m sure it was nothing.”

“Probably.”

He frowned suddenly, grimacing, and then put his head back on her shoulder. For a while it was silent again, and this time Leighanne was sure he’d fallen asleep right there. Moving cautiously, she shifted slightly and pulled her husband towards the pillows on the bed. It wasn’t that hard to do, considering he couldn’t weigh much more than 120 pounds, but she was a small woman, so it took some time. She jumped when he grasped her hand just as she was trying to cover him up.

“W-wait, don leave me,” he called out hoarsely.

She knew she was the only other person in the room, but still she wasn’t sure if he was talking to her. His eyes were unfocused and darting all over the place.

“It’s alright sweetie, I’m not going anywhere,’’ she tried to assure, but it didn’t calm him down in the least, it only made him more agitated.

“Why’s it so dark in here?” he demanded and she frowned, considering it was still daytime and although the room was darkened, it was still flooded with light.

“It’s not, baby,’’ she told him and stepped back, studying him. His eyes were wide open, but he didn’t seem able to see much. He had started to shake and she grabbed his hands to steady him. He whimpered timidly.

“W-wait, don leave me.”

“I won’t,” she promised.

“Why’s it so dark in here?”

“I don’t know. Do you want me to turn on the lights?” she whispered softly.

He winced at the thought, “No. Don’t leave me. Please don’t leave.”

“I’m not leaving. Why do you think that?”

He shook his head vigorously, “I wanna go home.”

She nodded sadly, realizing that it was no use replying him. She had no idea where exactly he thought he was in his head, but it certainly wasn’t here and now. It happened way too often lately. Getting up slowly, she squeezed his hands and let go.

“No! Don’t leave!” he screamed out suddenly, but she didn’t listen to his anxious cry. Feeling the tears well up and pour over, she stepped out of the room quickly. She couldn’t do this, it was too much and she wasn’t strong enough. He’d wanted to talk, but she’d realized very soon that he was in no state to talk, he was in no state to do anything, and she didn’t know how to handle it. Tomorrow he’d remember why he’d wanted to talk, but until then, she wished she could just call Larry…

 

 

End Notes:

please review, thank you :)

48. Crawl In The Dark by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

this is kind of a dark chapter... literally :)

Come close, come close

And call my name

How can you turn your back on me

When you know my pain?

Although he still couldn’t see a damn thing, he knew she wasn’t there anymore. He’d known when she squeezed his hands that she was indeed going to leave, even though he’d begged her not to. She always did…

Now he was truly alone, and if there was one thing he couldn’t handle, it was being alone. Add the fact that it was totally dark and absolute chaos in his mind, which resulted immediately in panic. Don’t be stupid, go after her!

Getting up quickly, he paid no mind to the rushing warning in his head and stomach and scrambled backwards until he hit a wall. With a wild growl, he turned, all the while wondering why it was so goddamn dark. He had his eyes opened, hadn’t he? It surely didn’t make a difference. On his knees now, he searched his way through the darkness, until he felt the soft ground disappear under his hands and tumbled off of whatever he’d been on.

 

August 1980

He felt a deep grounded hatred for this room. He didn’t really know why, but for some reason, the room made people cry. He watched his mother leave, even though he’d begged her not to, she did it anyway.

Don’t leave me!

Why did nobody ever listen to him? He wished he had the energy to go after her, to get out of this creepy room. Sure, the walls were all covered in bright colours, countless gift cards, and Disney’s Donald Duck posters, but somehow, it still made people cry. He didn’t like crying people, he liked smiling people much better. You didn’t see that many smiling people around here. Lowering himself back down on the big white bed, he stuck his thumb stubbornly in his mouth. Mommy had told him not to do that anymore, but he didn’t listen to her. Why should he? She didn’t listen to him either when Brian told her to stay, did she? He used his other hand to rub his tired eyes and then glanced at the alarm clock Daddy had put on the drawer. Guiltily he popped his thumb back out, realizing why Mommy had left so suddenly.

Harry!

His eyes lit up when he figured it out. Today was Harry’s big day. Today Harry was going to win the drawing contest. Brian was sure of it, because he didn’t know anybody who could draw better than his older brother. Mommy was probably going to get him off school and take him to the community centre where he would win the All Inclusive Weekend at Disneyland! See, normally Mommy always made someone else get Harry off school to stay with Brian, but today was Harry’s big day, so Brian understood why she’d left.

Grabbing Binky tight, he pressed the stuffed bear to his face. Binky used to be Harry’s, but he’d given it to his brother only 5 days ago, claiming that he didn’t use it anymore and because Brian liked the toy so much, he could have it. Brian couldn’t be more grateful, for he believed Binky was magical. Whenever he felt so sick, he couldn’t even lie still without everything hurting, he pressed Binky to his face and the bear seemed to make everything miraculously okay again.

With the stuffed toy still attached to his face, he took its ear into his mouth, which was another thing he wasn’t allowed to do, and mused over what to do next. He wished Daddy was there, but he had to go to work, Brian understood that. Daddy had already taken too many days off because of Brian, and now he had to go back to work. That was okay, Daddy had a good reason not to be with Brian. But it meant that he was now all alone in this stupid room and he was not fond of being alone in stupid rooms. Remembering why he’d been excited in the first place, he threw the covers off of his legs. Damn, it’s cold! It didn’t matter though, Brian thought determined. Harry was going to win this year, and he wanted to be there to cheer for his brother. Besides, he was tired of being in this room, and figured he’d been lying here long enough. He’d ask the friendly nurse, Karen, downstairs if she would take him to the community centre. She would do it, she was always nice to him.

Rolling on his stomach, he crawled over to the edge of the enormous bed and carefully reached his right foot down. He shivered immediately, but planted his foot confidently on the cold floor. Experimentally, he tried to put weight on it. Encouraged, he balanced himself still half on the bed, but now half out of it as well. Grinning victoriously, he put his other foot with the other and climbed out.

Immediately, his knees gave out and he fell with his face to the floor. Considering it only a minor setback, he got up on shaking arms and knees. He hadn’t been out of bed for five weeks, what had he expected? Cautiously, he grabbed the edge of the bed and hoisted himself upright again. This time he was going to take it slow, and after swaying for a moment, he finally stood. He gave a proud laugh and walked shakily towards the door first, pulling the irritating plastic bag standard he was attached to with him. Out in the hall, he saw some of the other kids that were located on the children-ward, just like him. He didn’t need them though, he needed to find Karen, and therefore, he’d have to take the elevator.

Why’s it so dark in here?

The children’s ward of the hospital was usually well lit, but the part where he was now seemed to be darkened. He shrugged, indifferent, and continued his way towards the elevators. He liked elevators, they were convenient and less exhausting than staircases. Clamping the IV pole tightly he waited anxiously for the elevator to open its doors. When they finally did, he was about to step inside, when he remembered he forgot something. Binky! Turning around instantly, he wanted to bring himself and the pole back to his room to retrieve his favourite toy, but only then noticed the pole was stuck between the elevator’s floor and the ward’s. No!

Panicking, he rattled the thing uselessly, feeling like the doors could close any second, squeezing him and the pole between them. He didn’t like that prospect and felt his sick heart hammer its way out of his chest. It hurt really bad and he whimpered desperately, still trying to get the pole’s wheels out of the split in the floor. He hated elevators. He hated IV poles too. Realizing it was no use, he started to yell for help, feeling tears streaming down his face.

“Young man, where do you think you’re going?” a voice asked and he turned around, surprised. Suddenly, a tall nurse appeared out of nowhere, right next to him and pulled the IV out of the hole in one swift motion.

“Why are you not in bed?” she asked sternly and he shrunk back, frightened of her angry expression. He didn’t know this nurse, but he already didn’t like her, although she had just saved him.

“I wanna go home,” he cried softly and the nurse’s face softened.

“Not yet, buddy,” she informed, then turned around, “Johnny, why don’t you get a wheelchair for the little fugitive over here?”

For once he was actually glad that wheelchairs existed, because he didn’t know if he could stand upright for much longer. When Johnny brought it, he climbed in quickly and let the nurse push him back through the hall.

“Wha’s your name?” he questioned, twisting around in the chair

“Lauren,” she answered dutifully.

“Lauren,” he repeated, thinking for a second, “Wan be friends, Lauren?” he offered.

“Sure.”

“But you don even know my name!” he protested.

“You’re Brian, everyone knows you. You’re famous!” she assured him with a smile.

“Wow, really?” he asked and saw her nod her head, “cool… I wan be famous!”

“Consider it as your first step,” Lauren laughed lightly.

“Lauren?”

“Yep?”

“Why’s it so dark in here?”

“Because the children on this part are really sick and supposed to be asleep right now. That includes you too,” she told him severely.

“I’m sorry.” He replied guiltily and realized how tired he was when they reached his room. “Can I go to sleep now?”

“You have to sleep now, in fact,” she said.

“Will you stay?” he asked when she helped him back in bed. “I don wan be lone.”

“I’m sorry, sweetheart, but I need to check on the other kids first,” she explained softly. Brian shook his head vigorously.

“No! Karen can do that!” he offered with a frown, “Don leave!”

“I’ll be right back, okay?” she stated and stood up, handing Brian his stuffed bear she had retrieved from the floor. She turned around and walked out of the room.

“No! Wait! Don leave!” he called after her, but she didn’t come back. Grasping Binky  tight, he pressed his face into the worn fabric of the bear, realizing that Binky was the only one that hadn’t left him yet.

 

November 2015

Not able to supress the nausea anymore, he gagged miserably and just let it go. When he was finished, he pushed himself up and crawled away in the dark. He had no idea where he was or how he’d got there. He stopped moving when his back connected with the wall. Pulling his legs up, he swung his arms around them and pressed his face to his knees. He hated being vulnerable like this. And it would only be getting worse. He hated this place, wherever that was, he hated the smell, he hated this life and most of all, he hated the fact that he was alone.

Not knowing what else to do, he stayed in the same position and let the miserable sobs take over his weak body. He didn’t care about the pain anymore, or that maybe someone could hear him. In fact, he wanted someone to hear him and get him out of this dark place. It would mean that he wasn’t entirely alone. He hated being alone.

Stay close, stay close

Light up the night

Save me from the part of me

That’s begging to die.

 

 

End Notes:

please review, it truly makes my day, thank you :)

49. Can You See Me? by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

yay, almost there, can't wait til I finish the next chapter! :)

  1. Can You See Me?

Frowning, he looked into the pot with a disgusted expression. Oh well, he’d always known he couldn’t cook, so he didn’t understand why they’d given that assignment to him. To make matters worse, he didn’t notice Baylee creeping up on him.

“What’s that supposed to be?” the child questioned and Nick jumped a mile up in the air. Exhaling in shock, he gave his friend’s son an angry look.

“It’s chilli, what does it look like?” he stated with a growl.

“Ah, no not again!” Baylee exclaimed dramatically and threw his hands up in desperation. “I’m sick of chilli!”

“Too bad for you. It’s the only thing I know how to make decently, and we don’t have stuff for anything else,” he explained impatiently.

“Why doesn’t Mom make anything?” Baylee asked instead.

“She’s having a conversation with your Dad,” Nick replied crankily. They were having a really long conversation at that too.

“’Bout what?” Baylee continued.

“I don’t know,” Nick informed, “Any more questions?”

“Nope.”

“Good, go set the table,” he ordered, taking the pot off of the stove. He grabbed a coaster out of the drawer and tossed it onto the table. He was about to put the hot saucepan on top of it when they both were startled by a loud thump coming from upstairs, and he almost dropped the chilli pan instantly.

“What was that?” he heard Baylee ask amazed.

“Dunno, sounded like something fell,” Nick shrugged. Or someone.

“Do we need to take a look?” the boy questioned fearfully.

“I’ll do it,” Nick stated, “I thought you were setting the table.”

Baylee nodded quickly and continued with his task, glad he didn’t have to find out what was going on upstairs. As he walked the steps, Nick wondered if he was doing the right thing. Maybe he shouldn’t interfere with whatever the two of them had going on in there? But the crash had sounded rather painful and Nick didn’t know why, but he had the feeling something was wrong. Reaching the top of the stairs, he contemplated his options. He waited a few minutes in the hallway, then realized he didn’t hear any voices, and concluded that the conversation the two had, must be over. As he reached Brian’s room, he noticed the door being open and when he glanced inside, he felt his heart break. He wordlessly watched his big brother sitting against the wall in the corner of the room, with his face pressed to his knees, trembling from the obvious sobs that wrecked his entire body painfully.

Nick finally found the courage to go inside and carefully kneeled besides his fallen friend. The former Backstreet Boy didn’t seem aware of anything around him and Nick wondered what to do.

“Brian?”

When he heard his name, Brian’s head shot up, but he wasn’t looking at Nick. Instead, his gaze darted all over the place, trying to find where the voice had come from.

“Brian, it’s me,” Nick whispered desperately, trying to catch the ailing man’s attention, “I’m right here.”

When Brian still didn’t look at him, Nick frowned and cautiously placed a hand on his friend’s shoulder. He felt Brian jump sharply and his friend finally focused on somewhere near Nick.

“Why’s it so dark in here?” he questioned, swaying noticeably.

Alarmed, Nick’s frown grew deeper and he tentatively waved a hand in his friend’s line of sight. When Brian didn’t react, didn’t even blink, Nick feared the worse.

“Brian, can you see me?” He asked carefully, not really wanting to know the answer.

“I told you, it’s too goddamn dark in here, didn’t I?” Brian snarled, frustrated. Nick looked around feverishly. Sure, the room was a bit darkened, but if Nick could see Brian, then why the hell couldn’t Brian see him? And where the hell was Leighanne? Taking a deep breath, he willed himself to stay calm and think this through. He remembered the doctor mentioning loss of sight as a possible side-effect and sighed relieved, realizing, hoping, it was probably just temporary.

It still didn’t explain why Leighanne wasn’t there. But when he saw Brian pressing his palms into his eyes, trying to block out the pain, he told himself he’d figure that out later. Now he had more urgent business to deal with. Grabbing Brian’s wrists firmly, he forced him to pull his hands away and looked in his eyes. They were red from tears and unfocused, but they didn’t seem damaged.

Encouragingly, he patted Brian on the shoulder, “You’re gonna be okay bud,” he assured him.

“Don leave,” Brian said sharply.

“I won’t.”

“Don leave.”

“I won’t.

“I wanna go home.”

“But you’re…” Nick began, but then changed his mind. “Alright, come on, I’ll bring you home,” he offered, wrapping his arm around Brian’s shoulder and the other one under his knees. Brian jerked at his touch and Nick loosened his grip briefly.

“Trust me,” he whispered softly and felt Brian trying to relax.

“I wanna go home.”

“I know,” Nick mumbled, “We’re almost there.” He lifted Brian up without much effort, glad that he could at least trust his stiff shoulder again, and quickly carried him to the bed. “There we are,” he announced, as if they had travelled miles to get there.

“Where are we?” Brian questioned swiftly.

“Home,” Nick reassured.

“Thanks, Frack.” Nick smiled at the old nickname. Their relation could easily be described as ‘complicated’, going from enemies, to brothers, to friends, to colleagues, to strangers, to enemies, to brothers again, but he couldn’t imagine his life without Brian and only prayed he’d never have to.

“Just try and get some sleep, kay?” he said.

“Kay.”

“Oh, Brian?” he said, halting his step, “where’s your wife?”

“She left,” Brian said resentfully and Nick heard the betrayal in his voice.

“She what?” he only hoped he hadn’t heard it clear.

“She left,” Brian repeated, “I asked her not to, but she still left. She always does.”

“I see,” Nick muttered, feeling his blood begin to boil.

“Nick?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry…”

“For what?”

“I’m sorry I threw up.”

“That’s okay,” he mumbled. Great.

 

September 2010

“I’m sorry I threw up.”

“You should be,” Brian growled, “lift your head.”

Nick did as he was told and winced when Brian pressed the washcloth to the cut on his chin, a cut he didn’t even remember getting. “Ow!” he yelled out.

“You’re acting like a baby,” Brian stated, “How’d you even manage to get this drunk?”

“You were drunk too!” he defended.

“Not that drunk, never that drunk,” Brian assured sternly, then he sighed. “When are you going to do something with your life?”

“I’m a singer, I’ve already done something with my life,” Nick replied stubbornly.

“I meant something useful.” Brian continued, unfazed.

“Oh, you mean like marriage and babies!” Nick exclaimed as if he’d just realized something important, “becoming a dull fart! I thought that was more your kind of thing!”

“See, I’m not going to hit you for calling me a dull fart, because I can see you’re already wounded and because I know you will have no recollection of any of this tomorrow morning, so it’s no use. The prospect of you waking up with a major hangover is in itself, satisfying enough,” Brian explained carefully, but despite of his words, he pressed the washcloth a little tighter to Nick’s chin, making the younger man cringe. Nick wondered if Brian would have helped him out of the night club if they hadn’t been sharing a hotel room together. He’d even been surprised his friend had agreed to go with him in the first place. Brian wasn’t drunk, not really, Nick knew that. The older singer didn’t need alcohol to act like a lunatic and could certainly do without the extra energy. That’s why Nick would have a killer headache tomorrow and Brian wouldn’t. He didn’t think that was fair, but grinned when he realized that it could be worse.

“Well, at least I still have my voice,” he taunted and immediately noticed it worked.

“That’s funny, I don’t remember asking you anything,” Brian warned in a dangerous tone.

“Okay, normally, that threat would scare the hell out of me,” Nick joked  lightly, “but I guess I’m too drunk to care.”

“Great, now we’ve got that settled, do you think you can take a shower without falling over?”

“Nope. You wanna help me?”

“Let me consider that,” Brian paused for a moment, “No.”

“Well, a goodnight to you then, or shall I say, good morning?”

“See for yourself,” Brian replied, “You stink.”

“I know.”

 

November 2015

When he was sure his friend had fallen asleep, Nick cleaned the room quickly and went out. He wanted to go downstairs and finish the chilli with Baylee, but noticed something remarkable when he walked through the hallway. There, in one of the guestrooms, was Leighanne, staring dully into the distance. Stopping dead in his tracks, Nick tried to figure what she was doing there.

This family is weird, he thought, suddenly wondering if he were the only functioning adult left in the house. Sure, don’t worry, count on Nick, he’ll pick up the pieces. With an angry sigh, he marched into the room and noticed Leighanne quickly looking up.

“I’m sorry, I think you’re in the wrong room,” he told her resentfully.

“I know, I just… I couldn’t…’ she began, but Nick broke her off.

“I don’t wanna hear it.”

“I’m such a coward,” she said hatefully.

“Yes,’’ Nick agreed.

“How’d you know I was here?’

“I didn’t. Brian just said you left, seemed pretty upset about it too,” Nick told her, trying to make her feel as guilty as possible. By the looks of it, he did a remarkable job. “Did you even notice he can’t see a damn thing?” he questioned.

“Huh? He was fine when I was there…” she told him with a frown.

“Well, he keeps mumbling that it’s too dark.’’

“Yeah, he did say that,” Leighanne remembered, “I just thought he was confused.”

“Even if he was, it still doesn’t give you the right to leave,” Nick accused darkly.

“I know,” she admitted, “do you think he’s getting blind?”

Nick didn’t answer right away. He hadn’t really thought about that, had just assumed it was temporary. What if it wasn’t? No, it had to be. Dr Quinn had listed it in the side-effects and that was what it was, just temporary… right?

“Did you call him?” Nick wanted to know, deciding he wasn’t going to give a certain answer on the previous question.

“What?” Leighanne asked, taken aback, “Who?”

Him,” Nick growled.

It took some time before she answered him, sighing deeply and looking away, “No. But I wanted to.”

Terrific. It was like dealing with AJ all over again. Only this time it wasn’t cocaine, it was Larry and Nick realised that they were actually pretty much the same thing. It was addicting to run away from your problems, either by snorting tons of drugs, or screwing the very next guy you came across. He knew, cause he’d done both at one point in his life. The only difference was that he hadn’t had fifteen years of marriage and a desperately ill husband to take into account. Deciding that enough was enough, that addiction was not to be fed, that addiction needed interference from the outside world, otherwise it would only escalate, that Leighanne clearly wasn’t able to stop said addiction by herself, and that this couldn’t go on without some harsh decisions being made, he centred himself in Leighanne’s line of sight.

“Tomorrow,” he demanded and paused. When Leighanne raised her eyebrows he continued, “Tomorrow you’re gonna tell him why you left.” She nodded guiltily, but he wasn’t finished yet.

“And who it was you were going to call.” 

 

End Notes:

thanks for reading! Please review!

50. A Small Crime by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

ugh, I hope this qualifies as valid...

so, big important chapter finally!

I had no idea how to end it, or even how to begin it, that's why it took so long, haha

anyway, it's gotten more of a reflective piece than I had planned, but I hope you'll still like it.

  1. A Small Crime

Smiling, she heard him talk in his sleep. He’d always done that and although it sometimes made her crazy, she loved this particular trait. She’d already accepted the fact she wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight and had decided she’d spent the night watching him sleep, listening to the mumbled mass of words she couldn’t understand and she doubted he could either.  She wondered what he was dreaming about and hoped it was a good dream. He deserved good dreams when reality was nothing but nightmares.

Sighing, she thought about how she had attributed to those nightmares. Tomorrow she would tell him about that, tomorrow she would destroy his world. But hadn’t she destroyed his world more than a year ago? Was keeping it a secret her way of protecting him, or herself? Were all those times she’d left him in misery not a part of their marriage destruction, simply because he did not know about it? Was it better to leave him in the dark, than to tell him the truth? She didn’t know for sure how he would react to the news, but she knew it was not going to be pretty.

 He’d be disappointed, that was for sure. He was no stranger to cheating. He’d told her numerous times how his former girlfriends had all run off with another guy at one point and she’d sworn to him and herself that she would never be that type of girl. He’d laughed, saying she didn’t have to tell him that, cause he already knew. But when times had gotten hard, she’d done it anyway, and she knew that he would never be able to blame her as much as she blamed herself.

He’d feel betrayed, of course. She felt a bitter stab of self-hate when she thought about how she promised that she’d be there for him in sickness and in health more than fifteen years ago. She’d had nothing to fear back then. They’d been happy, they’d been happy for so long that of course something was bound to go wrong, because something always was. It had started with Baylee getting sick when he was just five or six. But that had been different. She’d been able to lean on Brian back then. She hadn’t lost herself the way she had now. Maybe that was the problem. Maybe she just needed someone to lean on, and because she couldn’t lean on Brian this time, she’d gone to Larry. Could that be it? And maybe, because of Brian’s refusal to lean on anyone but himself, their marriage had drifted apart? Or was she just placing blame elsewhere now?

He’d stopped talking, and continued to sleep peacefully. She sighed, grateful that at least someone was able to sleep. Normally, nights weren’t all that peaceful after a chemo, but Brian had been asleep ever since Nick had left his room. Leighanne wouldn’t admit it, but secretly, she was glad Nick was still there. She knew he’d wanted to leave after the party, but he’d decided to stay when he’d heard her story. So he’d kissed his fiancée goodbye, who he’d doubtless told everything, and remained in the guest room, lurking, waiting for things to go wrong. And things would go wrong, they both knew that. And when they did, Leighanne was sure Nick would be the only one to keep this crumbling family sane. At least she hoped so. One day, when everything had gotten back to normal again, she’d have to thank him for that. One day…

“Hmmmn, no.”

She looked up, surprised. Smiling, she saw that her husband was still sleeping. He’d finally tossed his head her way and softly, she traced the outline of his face. Normally, he’d be awake by now, normally he’d wake up if she’d only do so much as turn in bed. She knew, cause each of her movements were always followed by an irritated sigh on his part as he was the lightest sleeper she’d ever met. Not today, today there wasn’t even a flinch of acknowledgement as she gently touched his sunken face, that had once been handsome and full of life, but now only held the sickly complexion of a dying man. Dying…, she swallowed thickly at that thought and willed herself to push the taunting images away, reminding herself that there might be an outcome now, a little light of joy on the horizon. If she could only believe in that, truly, with the blind faith she’d possessed up until two years ago.

What’s the last time you’ve prayed?

I don’t know.

“You can’t only have faith when the good things happen, Leighanne, you have to have it when they don’t.”

 That’s what her mother had told her once and she had nodded, cause, yes, she believed her, but didn’t think it would ever be applicable to her. Having faith, something you could put your trust in no matter what, was all so much fun when it didn’t involve begging for a cure, for a solution that would never come, no matter how hard you prayed for it. So she had stopped praying, discouraged, feeling like nobody wanted to listen to her misery, that no one even cared about what she was feeling.

 She couldn’t stop the tears from gliding down her cheeks but forced herself to remain calm. Brian didn’t need to wake up and wonder why she was crying. If this really was their last normal night together, she did not want it to be socially awkward. She took an unsteady, shaking breath when her fingers moved across the sensitive skin on a spot just above his ear.  The spot that had been sliced open more than a year ago, when all of this stuff should have been over. But the skin had been broken for nothing and Brian would have to wear the ugly and useless scar for the rest of his life. Life…

The night continued, while he slept, blissfully unaware of anything, and she cried for all those things she would lose or had already lost. She was startled out of her night’s musings when he began to stir and she realized it was already morning. In a swift motion, she brushed the already dried up tears out of her eyes and smiled sweetly at him. It took him a while to properly focus on her, but when he did, she sighed in relief, glad he hadn’t been blinded permanently.

“Hey,” she said awkwardly, wondering if he had noticed her tears.

He studied her for several moments before answering, “Hey… you look tired,” he concluded with a frown.

“I didn’t sleep very well,” she admitted softly, “How about you?”

“Perfect,” he drawled, still staring suspiciously at her face, “Are you alright?”

Taking a deep breath, she smiled and hurriedly climbed out of bed. “Me? Yes, of course!” she claimed as if she couldn’t understand he was even asking. “Hold on, I’ll make you some breakfast.”

He looked at her in surprise and grinned broadly, “Breakfast in bed!” he exclaimed, “It’s not even my birthday!”

She narrowed her eyes and looked him over, “Are you sure about that?” she questioned mysteriously.

A deep frown appeared on his face and he shot her a terrified look, then relaxed when he realized she was joking, “Funny,” he commented, “Just so you know, I’m laughing on the inside.”

“Do you want eggs with that?”

“Yes, and cheese, lots of cheese,” he ordered, “Jeez, I’m hungry.”

“Good to hear. I’ll be right back,” she promised.

“I’ll be waiting.”

When she entered the kitchen, she almost collided with her son, who gave her one of his ever present angry glares and stalked off.

“Baylee Littrell, get back here,” she commanded.

“Screw you,” he offered and she shook her head disbelievingly. When had it ever gotten this far? It was high time she put an end to it. She walked after him into the kitchen and placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Don’t touch me!” he warned with a growl, jerking away from her touch.

“Baylee, look at me,” she ordered and he glared at her, shooting daggers in her direction with his eyes, “I don’t know what to do with you,” she admitted with a sigh.

“Well, I don’t know what to do with you either,” came the clever reply.

“Listen, I don’t know if this is puberty, or something else, but you really need to work on your attitude in this house.”

“Me?” he screamed, unbelieving. “What about you!

“Alright, I think I understand why you are mad at me, but I will not tolerate this behaviour any longer,” she warned, but could tell that he wasn’t listening to a word she was saying.

“You had no right!” he hissed, “No right to do that to Dad!” Tears of helpless anger were forming in his eyes and he took a step back, grabbing the lunch package he’d prepared. “Are you done now, cause I’ve gotta go to school.”

She nodded absentmindedly and picked up her car keys from the counter, “I’ll bring you.”

“No! I don’t want you to bring me. Nick’ll do it, he promised.” His mother frowned, but nodded, wondering since when Baylee and Nick had become such good friends. She guessed it must have been somewhere between the Backstreet Boy killing the kid’s dog and presenting him a new one, that, for some reason still didn’t have a name.

She was still wondering about this when she walked the stairs to the bedroom with a tray of all kinds of breakfast food in her hands. Brian was still in bed, uselessly flipping through the TV channels, grunting disapprovingly ever so often when he came across a show he disliked more than the others. When Leighanne entered the room, he looked up though, and grinned, obviously enjoying the fact that she had actually made him breakfast. Hungrily, he grabbed one of the bread slices, quickly put a significant amount of cheese on it, took a big bite and finally closed his eyes, clearly satisfied.

“This is great,” he mumbled, his voice muffled through all the cheese and bread in his mouth, “Thanks a bunch, babe.”

She lingered awkwardly next to the bed, not willing to climb in with him, but he didn’t seem to notice, his attention solely focused on the sports channel he’d finally been able to find. She watched it with him for a few minutes, trying to sort her thoughts about what she was going to say, how she would break the news, just like she’d done the entire night before.  She knew instinctively that this was the right moment, the moment wouldn’t get any more right than this. Nick and Baylee would be gone for a while. The school wasn’t as close as it had been to their old house, but, out of precautions, they’d been forced to move further north when Brian had left the Backstreet Boys, unannounced. In fear of lurking fans all over the place with questions they didn’t want to answer, they’d left it all behind, the beautiful big mansion, the flourishing garden and above all, the build-in studio. Sure, this house was beautiful too, even bigger, and the garden was brighter than the old one, but it was the lack of a studio which made it appear like a much colder place. It seemed like Brian had symbolically closed one of the biggest chapters in his life by moving all of the golden, platinum and even diamond records to the attic and every other thing that even remotely resembled music and that he’d once been proud of. Maybe it was his way of dealing with things, by putting them away in a dusty old attic and never thinking about them again.

“Brian?” she uttered, trying to grasp his attention away from the baseball on morning television.

“Hmm?” he commented, obviously only half paying attention. Here goes nothing.

“Remember when you said we had to talk yesterday?” she questioned shakily.

“Vaguely,” he mumbled around his third sandwich of that morning.

“Well, we do have to talk,” she explained, trying to keep the fear out of her voice, “there’s something I have to tell you, something important.”

She noticed she had finally caught his full attention when he had the decency to turn the TV off and stared up at her, expectantly.

“Remember when, when…” she swallowed nervously, “when I left yesterday, when you told me to stay?”

He nodded wordlessly and quickly put the sandwich down with a disgusted expression on his face. He was probably already sensing that it wasn’t going to be a nice conversation. He kept staring at her, his eyes forcing her to continue..

“Well, I haven’t been entirely honest with you…” she began.

 

“Leave me out of the waste, this is not what I do,

It’s the wrong kind of place to be cheating on you.”

 

“I’m so sorry, I was just so lost, I didn’t know what to do!”

 

“It’s the wrong time, but he’s pulling me through

It’s a small crime, and I’ve got no excuse.”

 

“I’m so sorry, I wish there was something I could do to make this alright!”

 

“Is that alright with you? I give my gun away when it’s loaded.

Is that alright with you? If you don’t shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it?”

 

“You have to understand that I never, not once, stopped loving you! Please Brian, can you understand that?”

 

“Is that alright? Is that alright? Is that alright with you? No…”

 

When she was finally done talking, when she’d finally blurted all out at once, she watched him intently, searching his face for some kind of reaction, while preparing herself for any kind of reaction he could possibly give. She was horrified to see a small, uncertain smile touch his lips. This isn’t  funny, not in the least!

“Is this a joke?” he asked, his voice salty, “Did Nick set you up to this? Is that why you two are being so mysterious all of a sudden? Cause, forget it, I’m not buying it. You’re the worst liar in the world.”

“W-What?” she stammered, astonished.

“Is this a joke? You’re doing a poor job, cause it’s not even a little funny,” Brian rattled mindlessly, “This can’t be real. You didn’t cheat on me…. Because, because…,” he seemed at a loss for words, frantically trying to find a suitable reason for the situation he found himself in, a satisfying explanation for the sick joke his wife and Nick were playing on him.

“Brian…” she tried to interrupt.

“Because you are my wife…,” he continued, his voice laced with panic now, “and… and… I… I trust you…”

She tried to look away from his piercing stare, demanding an explanation, begging her to tell him she was indeed just joking, that he had her permission to get back at Nick big time for this. Yes, yes, she wanted to tell him that. She wanted nothing more than to laugh it off and pretend like it never happened, but deep down she felt tired of lying, of hiding. She looked into his anxious face and felt the tears  spilling over her cheeks, knowing that she’d probably be crying for the remainder of the day. Finally she shook her head slowly.

“It’s not a joke Brian, I’m so sorry.”

She’d been prepared for the shouting. The anger. The hurt. The betrayal. Even for the hate. She expected those reactions, they were only natural. She hadn’t been prepared for the deafening silence that seemed to last forever as Brian stared expressionlessly into her face, looking like he was carved out of stone. But she could see he was thinking all the words he wanted to say, she could see he just wasn’t able to express them, and judging by the venom evident in his gaze, they weren’t pretty. She also knew that if she’d utter one more single word, he’d explode into a million different pieces and she would have destroyed the man she loved with all her heart. 

 

 

End Notes:

lyrics: Damien Rice - 9 Crimes

 

 

please review, thanks :D

51. Man Down by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

damn, is he pissed off...

Now

Funny, how when you tried to remember something pleasant, there’s nothing to be found, but while at the same time all those horrible memories stay with you to haunt you forever more.

He sat there, alone. Alone, but this time, he didn’t care. In fact, he didn’t think he cared about anything in that moment. For the first time in seven months he’d climbed the stairs to the attic. The place was dusty and dark and perfect. No one would find him here, cause no one would even get it in their minds to coming looking for him here. It was the last place he’d go to.

The attic locked all the memories of a life he’d once lived, a life that was so different from the one he had now, that he’d tried everything he could to lock them away, to forget about it. Why was it so hard to forget those memories, when it was so easy to forget everything else?

Thoughtlessly, he reached up to the filthy, worn baseball cap and pulled it from his head. His career was doomed, his marriage was doomed, his health was doomed, he was doomed. And it was all because of the stupid cap, really. Or because of the reason he needed the freaking thing. He stared hard at the hat for a couple of minutes, trying to burn holes through the ragged fabric with his accusing glare. When that didn’t work, he threw the object across the attic with a wild growl. Uselessly, it hit the wall and landed next to one of the records.

He could do better than that.

He stood up stiffly, not remembering how long he’d sat there exactly. It felt like days. Maybe it had been days. He didn’t know, and he cared even less. He felt the rage inside him overpowering as he grabbed the nearest heavy object he could find. He’d wanted to do this for a very long time, ever since they’d moved in here. Leighanne had stopped him, of course she had. He felt a sharp stab of hatred when he remembered he didn’t have to listen to her anymore. He didn’t have to listen to anybody anymore. Why should he? Nobody ever listened to him, that much was for certain.

With an outraged scream, he smashed the very first golden record he’d ever received with the silver candlestick in his hands. Both the candlestick and the record went flying across the dark floor and Brian felt a sense of satisfaction. He nodded contently at the mess he’d made, that resembled the mess in all parts of his life in some way, and went to retrieve the fallen candlestick from the floor. When he bowed down, he paused for a second, staring at the album picture of himself and his friends, so many years ago, grinning without a worry in the world.  The smiles were deformed now though, due to the crystallised glass where he’d hit the record with the shining candlestick. He smiled back, wickedly, and lifted the heavy candleholder again to wipe the smirks off of the young faces once and for all.

He was only just beginning…

 

Earlier

He’d heard what she said. He didn’t have a choice but to hear. All the while she’d been talking, he’d screamed at her in his mind. He’d silently begged her to stop saying the words, to take them all back while she still could. But she hadn’t.

“Because you are my wife…,” he continued talking, though he had no idea what he was saying at all, feeling his already unsteady voice giving way to panic now, “and… and… I… I trust you…”

She looked miserable. That was good, because it was exactly how he was feeling. Of course he knew it wasn’t a joke. Leighanne was terrible at telling jokes really. Besides, he’d had spent enough time in the joking department to know when someone was telling a joke or not. No, he was actually offering her a way out, didn’t she understand that? She didn’t take the offer though, she told the truth, which made it so much worse.

“It’s not a joke Brian, I’m so sorry.”

And there it went. Fifteen years of love, marriage, and happiness. Out of the window. Gone.

 

Now

Breathing hard, he finally stopped his fury and looked around. A terrible sense of numbness took over him as he stared at the million different pieces of his past, scattered across the entire attic floor, driving their sharp edges into the soles of his bare feet. Faintly, he felt the candleholder slip from his fingers, he heard it falling to the ground with a dull thud, but it sounded far away. A pathetic sting of self-pity hit him, when he slowly let himself slide to the floor. There wasn’t much left to break, so why did he still feel so broken himself?

 He’d thought it would help. He’d thought that destroying the happy past of his life, would make the god-awful present a little more bearable. All it did was leaving a bigger mess than he’d started with though. When did it all get so out of control? When did God decide all of a sudden that Brian should be punished?

What’s the last time you’ve prayed?

I don’t remember.

If he’d destroyed every record of himself he’d ever owned, then why, why did he still remember?

 

Earlier

There were a million things he’d like to know, but they all went through his head too fast to get a hold of.  When? Where? Why?

“H-how long?” he stammered, his voice just above a whisper.

“Brian, just…” she tried.

“How long!” he interrupted, this time making sure even the neighbours could hear.

She watched him, scared. He’d never screamed at her before, he realized. But there was a first time for everything, wasn’t there? Cause she’d never cheated on him before either, had she? Finally she looked down and he could tell she wanted nothing more than to get out of here.

“For about a year,” she muttered in a small voice.

He scoffed, unbelieving. Had he really been so blind for an entire year? “A whole year…” he mumbled, more to himself than to her. He should have known how to read the signs when someone was cheating, right?

“Why?” was the next question that  came to mind. He wondered vaguely why it was that he could only think in one or two word questions at this point.

“I don’t know, Brian. It was a mistake, a big mistake. It will never happen again, I promise!” she begged, and he wanted to believe her, so badly, he almost did. Almost.

“Don’t… don’t lie to me!” he hissed venomously and watched her shrink back. Was he really that intimidating?

“I’m not lying!” she promised desperately, her voice cracking, “I don’t love him, I’ve never have! I love you, only you!”

He wanted to believe her, really, and in some way, he did. But looking at her right now felt weird, wrong in so many ways. “Then why’d you do it?” he questioned harshly, “Why? Was he tall, dark, handsome and healthy?” he yelled, his voice raising at the last word. Surely that was the case, cause who wouldn’t want a healthy lover?

“No, it’s not what it’s about!” she seemed to have re-found her voice again, and finally looked up at him.

“Then why?” he needed to know, he needed to know why she had even gotten it in her head in the first place, “Why? You don’t have to clean up his vomit, is that it? You don’t have to watch him die? Is that why you left me? Is that why you replaced me? What were you thinking? My husband will never find out? He’ll be dead before that ever happens?” There was no stopping him now as he spewed the words to his wife with the disgust evident in his voice.

“Brian, please stop,” she begged. He didn’t have to listen to her.

“You thought I didn’t notice all those times you sneaked out? What? You were like, ‘oh Brian’s not in the best state of mind, he doesn’t need me now, let’s get going’? But did you ever thought about how it felt for me when you left? Cause you were wrong! I needed you more than ever in those moments. And you just left… you went to… him…” He felt himself overheating with anger when he thought about all those times he’d wondered where his wife had gone to, that she must have had a good reason to go, otherwise she’d never leave him alone like that, only to realize she’d gone to Larry Hitmen, king of losers, every single fucking time! “Look, I’m sorry I got sick, alright? I didn’t choose to.”

“Brian please, that’s not what it was like!”

“Then what!” he screamed, furious.

“It’s not your fault, baby, not at all. Don’t you ever think that,” she assured. Brian clenched his jaw, cringing at the word ‘baby’. “It was all my fault, I lost hope, I lost faith, but I’ve never told you about it. We didn’t talk anymore, Brian. I know I didn’t, but neither did you. We grew apart these last two years, all because of that terrible sickness, but I need you to know, that I’ve never, not once, lost my trust in you.

There was a long and heavy silence and she kept looking at him with tears in her eyes. He knew she was sorry, he knew she’d never planned for this all to happen. He knew that, but it still didn’t make it right.

“But I have…” he muttered softly.

“What?”

“I have. I’ve lost trust… in you.”

 

Now

Now he was alone, but he didn’t care anymore. He’d run out of reasons to care. He watched numbly, with only a small spark of fascination how the blood from his sliced feet, formed sticky, warm pools between his toes and on the floor. Any emotions he may have felt were replaced with the all-consuming numbness that had taken over ever since he’d stopped smashing all the trophies he’d been proud of. He was standing in the middle of a glass-covered attic, but it felt like it was the only right place for him to be. The shattered pieces of the records resembled that of his soul, his mind. The pieces of a past that could not be, never again. And now it was final.

You could write a song about that.

That’s what his mother would say. He smiled wickedly, thinking about just how ironic it was that his mother had been the one to stimulate his musical career the most, ever since he’d sung his first solo in the Baptist Church of Lexington when he was six, while she was also the one that had given him the key to destroy everything he’d ever cared about now. He laughed softly, weirdly, and stared at the silver candleholder that lay a few feet away from his feet. It had been a gift from Jackie, to Leighanne, and just like every useless thing his mother presented them with, had this one also ended up in the attic. Besides, he hadn’t written a song in three years.

He heard a door slam, and it finally brought him somewhat out of the hazy fog that had formed in his head. The attic was a cold place to be in the winter because the central heating of the house only went as far as the second floor. He shivered slightly, feeling the headache finally reach a point beyond bearable and wondered frankly when the last time was that he’d taken any medications. He didn’t have long to think about it though, cause before he could even register it, the fog was back, bigger than it had been in a long time and he listlessly let himself crumble to the floor, not feeling the pieces of glass finding new ways into his skin. He was tired, so tired. He just wanted to sleep. Just sleep, for a long time, sleep.

 

Earlier.

“Brian… no…”

“I want you to leave,” he said emotionlessly.

“We need to talk about this,” she begged, grabbing his upper arms tightly, forcing his angry stare on her.

“There’s nothing more to talk about,” he explained monotonously, “why’d you tell me in the first place?” It wasn’t something he really wanted to know. There was nothing he really needed to know left now. He knew more than enough.

She seemed to struggle with telling the truth, or telling a fast lie. He didn’t care which she would choose. He didn’t care anymore. “Nick said I should.”

Wait. Nick?

“Nick?”

“Yeah, and he was right, I should have told you much sooner. I wanted to! I was just too scared…”

“Nick knew about this?”

“Well yeah, and AJ does too. They had me cornered on Baylee’s party. I had no choice but to tell them.”

Was he really the last to know? Who else knew about this? Harold had acted weird at points. And Baylee…

“Baylee…” he mumbled, astonished. She bowed her head, ashamed and it was just the one clue he needed. “Is that why’s he’s mad at you all the time? Is that why you two haven’t been getting along?” he questioned incredulously.

“Well,” she sighed and looked up, “he doesn’t know everything, but yeah, I guess he figured the main deal out. He’s very perceptive, you know…”

He couldn’t believe it, this wasn’t happening. “So basically, you’re saying that everyone, even our son knew what happened before I did?” This was just too crazy. He scoffed, shaking his head and sighed. “I want you to leave. Believe it or not, I really do this time.”

“Brian no, please! I love you, you know that!”

“Go! Leave! Get out!”

“No… you don’t mean that. You’re just angry! We can get through this, I know we can! We’ve always prided ourselves in being able to forgive each other no matter what!”

“Yes. Yes, we have. But I have never, never cheated on you. I can’t trust you anymore, I just can’t.”

“Please, just tell me what to do! There must be something to make this right! I’ll do anything, I swear. ”

“Leave. Go away,” he stated solemnly, successfully keeping all the emotion out of his voice, “Go to Larry for all I care. I don’t want to see you now.”

 

 

End Notes:

hope you enjoyed, please review for more chapters, thank you!

52. When Frick Met Frack (1) by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

Oh my, is that... is that an update? I believe so. I'm sorry it took so long, I really am. There's probably no good excuse other than that my computer accidently on purpose did not save the file and I had to redo the whole chapter all over again, and since this one is longer than the usual, I may have kinda ragequit for a month or two...

Anyways, I still hope you enjoy this one, it's actually the first one of three parts in which we will hopefully see some progress in the situation, haha. It may be a little corny here and there, but, why not have a bunch of fluff once in a while from these two? Next chapter will have some more action, seeing he is angry all the way through now.

  1. When Frick met Frack

 

Today I started walking.

Like I've been wanting to do for months

 But just when everyone had told that I couldnt

 I started walking,

 See me walking here,

 It's where I go.

 

He’d only needed one single glance at the ravage shattered across the dark attic. It seemed like a thunderstorm had taken place. He’d taken a few tentative steps forward, trying to find what he was looking for.

“Ow! Goddarnit!” He jumped a mile up in the air and heard someone else do the same in the furthest corner of the attic. Still cursing, he bowed down to pull a rather large piece of glass out of his socked foot. He frowned, rubbing the wound painfully. Making up his mind, he went down the stairs to retrieve his shoes. Leighanne and her stupid ‘no shoes’ rule. Surely she hadn’t been prepared for this.

After he’d dropped Baylee off at school, he’d wandered through the city on his own, not wanting to go back. He’d wanted to give Leighanne and Brian as much time as he thought they needed. Just one more wrong decision to add to the pile, he though moodily as he returned to the attic. Heaving a deep sigh, he cautiously stepped into the darkness again, this time hearing the sharp pieces of glass scrunching underneath his leather sneakers. What the hell happened here? But he could already guess. Something must have snapped… Could he have prevented it? Nick doubted it.

 

September 2014

“So… you nervous for t’night?” Nick asked to be sure. It was Brian’s first day back after all.

“Nope,” Brian answered sternly. The incessant tapping of his left foot on the floor as they were sitting in the cafeteria gave him away though.

“Either you’re lying, or you had too much coffee,” Nick stated cheerfully.

“Why not both?” Brian mumbled and Nick laughed. It was good to have Brian back. Sometimes, Nick could barely believe his friend had been so sick. He still had a hard time accepting that fact. The first thing he did when Brian had had his surgery, was deny it ever happened. He was still ashamed of that. He’d only visited him after three weeks, just briefly, and, to his surprise, Brian too, acted like nothing ever happened. It drove the gap that was already between them even wider.

“You’ll do great,” Nick assured with a smile.

“I hope so.”

“Good to have ya back.”

“Good to be back.”

 

November 2015

There were hands on his back, his shoulder and eventually on his face. He didn’t want hands there. He was perfectly fine with staying in this curled up position, thank you very much. he didn’t know whom the hands belonged to and neither did he care. He wanted to tell the hands to fuck off and intended to do so.

“F’ck off,” he slurred. The hands disappeared. A low, incessant grumble followed and then the hands were back with a vengeance. He didn’t understand most of the words, but could tell the hands weren’t too happy with him.

“Don’t give a flying fuck… don’t even know what… hell happened here… sure you don’t… medication?” the voice sounded familiar and the hands were insisting, but gentle. They’d hoisted him upright by now and although the rushing in his head made any other thoughts impossible, for once, he wasn’t scared.

He shook his head momentarily and the hands went away again, causing him to almost lose his balance, but he kept himself upright. He can sit on his own! He thought moodily and now felt the pang of fear when he heard footsteps going away from him, leaving him alone again. He sighed, letting himself slip again. There was too much noise, too many images in his mind to make sense of anything and when the hands returned, the voice sounded even further away than it had before. Something was shoved in his mouth and the hands forced him to swallow, so he did.

 

September 2014

To say he was thrilled would be putting it mildly. He could barely contain his overflowing energy as they waited backstage for the show to start. They’d been in this situation a million times, but he’d never been as excited as he was now. He often wondered what the other guys had told the public exactly about their sudden cancellation of the remainder shows. But the best he’d gotten out of Nick was ‘Pneumonia’, which didn’t help anything to calm his nerves. He couldn’t help but feeling guilty for all the trouble he’d put his bandmates through.

“We’re up in ten minutes!” Kevin yelled, and Brian could hear all the excitement his cousin had displayed since yesterday. A pang of fear that had been all too familiar the past few years ran through him when he figured that unfortunately, his voice hadn’t come back with the surgery. Of course it hadn’t, he wasn’t going to be that lucky. Well, he could always just throw it on the ‘pneumonia’, as Nick had so randomly put it. He sighed inwardly, why tell the truth to your fans, if you could lie about it?

“See, I told you guys we were doing this too soon!” he heard Kevin urge suddenly and looked up. He’d been so wrapped up in his thoughts that he hadn’t noticed Kevin coming to stand in front of him, calling his name.

“Huh?” he replied, shocked.

“Don’t you think we’re starting this up a little too soon? It’s only happened two months ago!”

“N-no, I’m fine, it’s fine. I was just wondering… about… stuff…” It sounded lame and not very convincing and Kevin was not impressed.

“You sure about this, we don’t have to do it, you know…”

“It’s a little late for that,” Brian called when he saw the line-up moving. Kevin sighed deeply.

“Alright, but hear this. You’re taking it easy. No jumping off of high things or other stupid stuff like that, okay? Oh, and no dancing.”

“Oh come on,” Brian whined, “What’ll the fans think?”

“They’ll understand,” Kevin convinced.

“Alright fine,” Brian grumbled. Ever since he’d told them what was going on they had been like this, hovering over him like he’d shatter in a million different pieces if they didn’t watch him at all times. He didn’t need that, he was better now, open for the future. No more headaches, no more nausea, no more chemo’s, no more hospital. he was done now.

 

November 2015

Nick wondered if there were rules for these kind of situations. Cause right now, he had no clue on what to do. He sat in the corner of the attic while he watched his best friend struggle in the other far corner. It was his fault really. He should have stayed at home, cause he knew what was coming. But instead, he’d run, ran like everybody else did. He’d told himself he was better than that, but apparently, he wasn’t. Cause when it had really come to it, he hadn’t been home. He should have been there to pick up the pieces for Brian after showdown, but instead he now had to pick out the pieces off Brian, that had found their ways into his face, hands and feet.

But he’d only come so far before Brian had told him in no uncertain terms to leave him the hell alone. Of course, he’d ignored his friend at first, but when Brian became really agitated and screamed at him to go away, fuck off, Nick had seen no other option than to retreat into the corner furthers away from Brian. Now he couldn’t even get within 20 feet of Brian without the other man panicking. No need to get his friend all worked up, so Nick remained seated where he was, and wondered if there were rules for these kind of things.

“Hey, remember that time we put that balding stuff in AJs shampoo bottle?” Nick started. No need in keeping things quiet, right? Of course there was no reply, and he hadn’t expected one either. Talking to himself was more like it, but it had never made this much sense. That’s the first step, start off talking lightly, we’ll come to the point soon enough.

“Man, he held a grudge for about two weeks, sprinkling me with every colourful insult he could think of, it was sure worth it though.” Nick remembered. The ever present silence was all he got for a response.

“While all the time, it had been your prank, hadn’t it? Just like every prank I got accounted for, was, in reality, all your idea.” Nick recalled how everyone always accused him of being the prankster, but all the while, he’d just been following the instructions of mister B-Rok himself.

The second step is reminding him of something important. “I never told anyone though, and you know why?” The hateful ignoring lasted and Nick didn’t know if he could say another word. What was the point in all this if Brian didn’t listen anyway? At one point he’d thought his friend had fallen asleep but seeing the tensed curled up position he was in, Nick disregarded that statement.

“It’s because I’ve been looking up to you since I was thirteen, Bri. You were my big brother, my hero,” he admitted softly, remembering all those times when they were younger and he’d chased Brian around like an excited puppy, studying him, wanting to be just like his brother, “So yeah, I never told them, cause hero’s don’t get caught. Just like you telling Lou that it had been your fault we missed the plane. Or when I accidently pushed you down the stairs and you told Kev you tripped,” Nick chuckled.

The third step, be the little brother. “Hero’s don’t give up Brian, and I need you not to give up. Right now, I feel like everything’s falling apart, man. Please, just hold on and be my brother again.” Nick wasn’t one to beg usually, but he did his best with Brian’s back still facing him. He sighed, defeated, wondering what he could possibly say to make everything alright again.

That’s the fourth step, get to the point. It was now or never, if he really wanted Brian’s attention, he’d have to make him listen. “You know she didn’t mean it right?” he began, almost too scared to speak the words out loud. He was again met by silence though.

“Sure, I know what she did was wrong, and selfish, but… it’s also human, you know?”

“Shut the hell up.”

Well, it was something! Nick sat up a little straighter. Congratulations, against every expectations, you’ve made it through step one to four, you may go on to step five, now that you’ve got his attention, try to keep it. “See, I’ve talked to her, and I don’t know, she seems honest, man. I believe she still loves you. I guess it was just her reaction to all the shit that happened to you and your family.”

Nick didn’t know if he could get through to Brian, and he knew even less why he was defending Leighanne like this. No, remember you’re not doing this for Leighanne, you’re doing this for your friend.

“Shut up, what do you know? You don’t know anything!” Brian had finally rolled over and faced him and Nick winced involuntarily at the venom in his brother’s eyes, “You and ya pretty words! When was the last time your wife cheated on you, huh? When’s the last time you had to deal with a tumour? You think you know what I’m going through? You think you know how this feels? You have no idea!”

Nick frowned and looked at his friend severely. Self-pity was not going to help anyone. Step six, cut the bullshit. “No Brian, I don’t know how that feels, because you never tell anyone! We just have to sit back and watch you suffer, so is it any wonder your wife left?” It fell out of his mouth before he even knew it and Nick quickly clasped a hand over his lips. He’d said all the words he wasn’t supposed to say. There was a long, heavy silence and Nick could see his friend staring at him wordlessly. You idiot! You were supposed to make it better! Not end your friendship!

“Could you leave me alone now?” Brian asked in a voice, shaking with anger.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Nick stated defiantly, strengthening his point by planting his feet firmly against one of the drawers. The look on Brian’s face told him to disregard steps seven to ten and run for his life, but Nick was stubborn, and so was his brother.

“Go! I hate you and your stupid stories! Fact is, you knew everything before I did. You already freaking knew, but you didn’t tell me, and I fucking hate you for that!”

 

 

End Notes:

please review :D

53. Wish You Well (2) by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

yeah, it may be getting a little out of hand XD

enjoy anyway

 

He actually really wanted to hurt something, make it suffer just as much as he did. The blonde appeared to be the perfect candidate. Him and his pretty words. Usually, Brian enjoyed his voice, but not now, now the friendly, one-sided conversation had turned rough and venomous. Involuntarily, his fingers curled around the silver candleholder once again. He felt the anger burning him, eating at him until there was nothing left but a frail little boy that had no idea what he was up against. It was all Nick’s fault really. Brian didn’t know exactly how, but Nick was the only one there to take the blame. He sat up carefully, holding the silver piece so tightly, that his knuckles went white. Slowly, he stood up, breathing hard and quick.

“Will you just leave now?” he warned in a shaking voice.

“No man, I’m not leaving you alone like this.”

That stupid, stuck up, stubborn bastard. Couldn’t he see that Brian wanted to be alone? Nick could go on with his life, and Brian would stay in the attic, that was the plan. But what was he supposed to do when Nick had other plans?

“Jeez, just go! Go home! Why are you even still here? Is it because you feel so sorry for poor old Brian? Fuck you! I don’t need your pity, or anyone else’s. I can handle this on my own, I’ve done it for more than two years before you showed up! Or do you just not want to go home? Is that it? Are you so afraid of any real commitment that you ran away from your wife, just so you can dump her like you’ve dumped everyone else?” Brian knew, somewhere in the back of his mind, that he was way out of line and could see that displayed on the younger man’s face, that winced with every foul and unfair word he spoke. He didn’t care though, he’d warned Nick after all, hadn’t he? “You have no reason to be here anymore Nick! Go home and stay there. Just stop interfering with this family and take care of your own!”

“Brian, you’re wrong, you can’t do this alone, and you don’t have to. When are you finally gonna accept that? You know, you didn’t accept Leighanne’s help, and see where that has led us!”

Oh, so now this was all his own fault? Was Leighanne just the victim of his whims? He hadn’t asked her to play around with Larry had he? What exactly had he done wrong then? Stupid Nick and his stupid accusations. All the anger at Nick, himself, his wife and mostly at God, could all be shoved on Nick’s shoulders, simply because the boy was there.

Hold on one second… Are you really, a hundred per cent, entirely sure about that?

He faltered for a moment, almost losing grip of the candleholder and dropping it on his already damaged feet.No he wasn’t entirely sure, that was the problem really. He hadn’t been entirely sure of anything lately. He had a hard time figuring out what was real and what wasn’t.  Of course he hadn’t told anyone that. They’d think he was going insane, and maybe he was. Oh well, maybe it’s just for the better. The growing anticipation of an impending end had become so strong the last two weeks that sometimes he thought it would be better if he wasn’t in his right mind when things would go wrong. And as he watched Nick staring at him, he tried to remember the moment Nick had come in the attic. He narrowed his eyes suspiciously at the boy that was looking at him questioningly. Now that he got a better look, Nick seemed younger than Brian remembered, and smaller. The worst part of hallucinating is knowing you are.

“How-how’d you know where I was?” he stammered astonished.

“I- what?” Nick asked, just as surprised.

“How’d you find me? How’d you know I would be here?”

“I didn’t, I was looking for you…”

“Don’t lie to me!” he yelled suddenly. He was so tired of people lying to him. Oh Brian, they would say, it’s for your own good, they would state. How did they know what was good for him? They didn’t even know what was good for themselves most of the time.

“I’m not,” Nick faltered helplessly, but Brian could see right through it.

“How did you know?” he demanded taking a menacing step forward.

“I don’t know!”

It was all Brian had to hear. “You’re not real!” he roared angrily. He knew out of experience how to deal with these kind of horrifying delusions. He gripped the candleholder tight once more and drew the piece of metal high in the air, praying he was right about this.

“Wait, what are you…”

With an angry scream, he striked out, hitting something solid.

 

April 2015

Not caring where it landed, he threw the duffle bag into the living room and sat down with a sigh. A nagging headache, that he should have been used to by now, pounded behind his eyes and he sighed again. What was he gonna do with his life now? At least, with the small part that was still left of it? Was he supposed to just lie in bed all day and play sick?  He wasn’t good at that. The Backstreet Boys had been all he’d ever known how to do properly, and now that he was out, he was lost. Hadn’t they sworn not to break up until everyone was absolutely sure about it? Then what the hell was that supposed to mean? No, let’s all team up and kick Brian out. He doesn’t get a say, he’s too sick for that. He felt the anger that had been burning within him for over a week now, reach the surface again. He just had nothing left to target it on. Leighanne was still in California working on the project. Baylee was at school, and the dog was outside, living it up.

He wished he could just get out of this house once in a while. Really get out, not just to get some groceries, incognito like he was James Bond or something. The house was a mess. Most of the boxes were still unopened, sitting all over the place. Darn, he had way too much stuff. With an idea forming in his head, he sat upright. He didn’t have to be completely useless! He could clean up! He’d be busy all day and that way, he didn’t have to think about stupid little boybands. Brilliant. He’d begin with sorting stuff they needed, stuff they wanted to keep and stuff he could throw away.

With newfound energy, he made his way up and down the stairs. Most of the boxes were already put in the attic and he figured he could just leave them standing there. Screw the music business, I’m starting a new life. He didn’t know what kind of life he was starting exactly, but it would be terrific, he’d make sure of that.

It was late afternoon before he’d finally picked out all the clothes he wanted to keep or throw away. A disturbing realization that the keeping pile was much smaller than the away pile hit him. Most of his old clothes were too big now, hanging around his skinny frame like he was some sort of rapper. They’d have to go, being an ex-boybandmember did not count as an excuse. Oh well, he’d just have to buy new clothes then. New life, new clothes. He went on and on, wondering why he’d never had a big clean up like this before and figured that if it really came to it, he could easily fill a whole shipping container with just his clothes. Just imagine that his wife had almost the same amount as he did. Two shipping containers!

The next box was filled with a bunch of toys Baylee hadn’t played with in a long while. In fact, with some of them, Brian didn’t even remember Baylee playing with. Those would have to go as well, but he would need Baylee’s consent first for that. They could have thrown them away when they moved, but they’d been in such a hurry then that they’d just thrown everything into cardboard boxes and shoved them into the truck. He’d never even wrote what they contained. It was kind of fun now, seeing everything come out and not remembering ever buying nor getting it.

 Finally, there were not many boxes left. Dear Heavens, it had taken him seven hours to sort everything out. When he was done, he’d sleep for a month. That was the only good thing about being kicked out of a boyband, now he could sleep until he was wide-awake. The last box was old and almost falling apart. He frowned when he didn’t remember packing this one. When he opened it carefully, he reached out to the small note that was on top of whatever was inside it.

Sweety,

As I noticed you deliberately NOT packing these, I did it for you. Please don’t throw them away. You know you’ll regret that soon enough.

Your woman.

                He didn’t need to look inside the box to know what was in it. No, he hadn’t meant to pack them, but throwing them away was another thing. Just leaving them at their old place had seemed like the perfect solution. And now they were here. Disgusted, he closed the dusty cardboard box quickly and shoved it aside. He wouldn’t throw them away, his wife would be disappointed then. But he wouldn’t unpack them either. He could just pretend that he had no idea they were even here, couldn’t he?

                “Dad?!” A voice rang from downstairs and he looked up, startled.

                “Yeah?”

“I’m home!”

“Okay!”

“The hell are you doing up there?”

“Stuff!”

“Okay, cool,” Baylee yelled, but the sarcasm dripped from his voice. He was probably disappointed that he didn’t get information on his father’s every move. “You want some tea?”

“Kamille?”

“Yeah!”

“No thanks!”

 

 

End Notes:

hope you liked it, please review for more chapters :D

54. How To Save A Life (3) by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:

don't ask, I have no idea where this is going or what I'm doing. It's like this story is in some sort of identity crisis, but before we get to the bottom of that, please enjoy this strange chapter....

  1. How To Save A Life

It hurt more than he thought it would have. He’d never thought Brian would actually do it, but when his friend had accused him of not being real, he knew he was in no right state of mind to think properly. It had happened so quickly and unexpected, that Nick didn’t have time to do anything but put his arm up to protect his head from the heavy silver wear. The thing came down with a sickening slam and the pain had shot up and down his entire arm. And it had only just healed. He’d screamed out in pain and had expected another hit, but strangely, it went awfully silent suddenly.

Carefully, he recoiled backwards, not noticing Brian doing the exact same thing, and held his injured arm protectively against his midsection. Apprehensively, he tried to move it and heaved a relieved sigh when he found out he was able to. So it wasn’t broken, but it would leave one hell of a bruise soon. He looked up cautiously, wondering where his attacker had shied away to. He tried not to show how much Brian had hurt him either physically or mentally, but couldn’t prevent the stinging tears in his eyes from blurring his vision.

He winced from the intense pain and squeezed his eyes shut, not seeing the look of pure terror and confusion on Brian’s face. As soon as his friend had realized that Nick was not indeed an illusion, he’d dropped the candleholder and took a few faltering steps back. He watched Nick with wide, panicked blue eyes and his breathing picked up speed. When Nick finally looked up, he couldn’t help but feeling sorry for his tormented brother. He didn’t feel angry, because he knew Brian would have never hit him if he’d been lucid. How long is it gonna take before he thinks everything’s a hallucination? This was wrong in so many ways. Nick had just witnessed with his own eyes that his friend could be a danger to himself and to others. There was no denying that, but Nick had other worries on his mind when he saw Brian’s knees give out and the man collapsing on the floor.

“Oh God… Oh God I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” Brian choked out, repeating his apology over and over again and looking in pure disbelief at the damage he’d caused.

Nick swallowed thickly, not knowing what to say to make it alright. There was nothing right about this. He watched speechless as Brian curled up again, shielding himself from the world, until there was nothing left but a sobbing, miserable, little boy that had no idea what was going on.

               

                July 1992

                Gosh, he sucked at this. He’d never asked to be the oldest, had he? He desperately tried to calm his four-year old little brother down, but to no avail. He could have been talking to a wall, the little recognition he got out of the snotty, crying toddler.

                “Come on, man. Real men don’t cry!” he tried to assure, but Aaron would have nothing of it. Nick tried to remember if he’d cared about being a real man when he was four. Must have. His brother was a little whimp and Nick had only agreed to take him to the playground outside if they were going to eat Spaghetti for dinner. Mom had agreed a little too soon, and Nick had figured out by now that Aaron had been an annoying little puberty toddler throughout the whole day and that she was probably glad the brothers got out of the house once in a while.

Like it was his fault school was closed for the summer! He’d been bored for most of the week, considering there were no auditions left for him to attend for the rest of the month and not knowing what else to do, he’d taken his little brother out to get some fun. It had only taken ten minutes for the boy to fall from the swing set though. Now his hands and face were dirty with mud and he was crying like he was dying. Why couldn’t Leslie or BJ have taken the kid? They were girls, they knew how to deal with children, right?

Frustrated, Nick grabbed Aaron’s hands roughly, wiping the mud of them and carefully examining the skinned palms.

“You’ll live,” he commented and dropped the child’s hands instantly.

“Hurts!” Aaron informed, pointing at his knees. Nick bowed down and could see the bruise that was already forming on the leg.

“Here?” he questioned, pressing it maybe not so gently. Aaron jumped up, startled and slapped his big brother’s head angrily. “Yes! Bad Nick!”

Nick snickered.  “Sorry bro, you okay now?” he asked in a sweet voice.

“Yesh, I’m a real man!” Aaron opted and Nick raised his eyebrows.

“Yeah, I bet.”

“Am too, Daddy said so!” Aaron persisted.

“Dad says that to everyone, even to BJ,” Nick let him know.

“Huh? BJ ain’t no man!” Aaron told him as if Nick didn’t know that.

“Sarcasm, little brother, sarcasm.”

Aaron looked at him questioningly and Nick sighed. “Come on, let’s go on the slide.”

 

November 2015

He’d kneeled beside his big brother, that had suddenly, somehow turned into his little brother, trying to remember the carefully laid out plan he’d had when he’d found him in the attic. Step seven, breakdown? No that couldn’t be right. He felt like he should say something, anything, but didn’t know the words.

“It’s okay,” he lied instead, placing his good hand on Brians trembling shoulder. There was no reaction, nothing at all. Nick had expected Brian to scream at him again, to go the hell away and leave him the fuck alone, but there was nothing. Nothing but the blank and empty stare Nick had grown all too used to. Hell, it had been the reason that he’d come down here in the first place. Only then, Baylee had found a way to bring his father back, and Nick wished he’d asked him how. The vacancy in Brian’s gaze made him sick to his stomach. He’d come here to make things better, but hadn’t he just made everything worse? He couldn’t remember step seven of his plan. But he couldn’t remember being hit with a particular large piece of silver being part of the plan either. He needed a new plan. Or maybe not a plan at all. Roughly, he sat down, not caring about the treacherous pieces of glass on the floor.

“We really need to clean up this place,” he muttered, more to himself than to anyone else. “I really wonder what Baylee did those months ago.’’

Maybe it was because Baylee was Baylee? Or maybe Baylee knew something nobody else did? He’d heard the child mutter something about a secret word that only he and his father knew. God, Nick felt left out now. Why was he even still here? The situation was hopeless, and on every other given moment in the past, he would have counted his losses and be long gone by now. What was so different about now? Did he really think he could make things alright? Was he really that naïve?

“Am I ever gonna get you to come out of here before dinnertime?” he questioned, just to keep the one-sided conversation going. Calming his older friend with nothing but his voice had seemed to work in the past, and besides that, the penetrating silence that lingered in the suffocating attic was enough to make anyone insane. There was something terribly frightening in the air, but Nick chose to ignore it.

“You know what we need? Music!” he spoke the word slow, testing it. Nope, apparently, that wasn’t the right one either. He’d tried for more than half an hour now, thinking of all the words that might provoke something, anything out of his absent friend. It was no use though, Brian remained as still as before, like he was sleeping, but with his eyes open. If only Baylee was there. But no, exactly on this day, the boy had texted he was staying with a friend for dinner, and if that was okay. No, Nick had wanted to text back, but of course, he hadn’t. Yeah sure, go ahead, it’s fine, as if it was just a normal day and nothing weird had been going on at all.

He contemplated if maybe, just maybe he should call Leighanne. His common sense told him quickly, that no, he shouldn’t, because she was the reason they were stuck here now. As far as Nick was concerned, she could rot in wherever she was hiding at. The next one on his mind’s list was Kevin, but for some reason Nick felt too proud to call Kevin. He could handle this on his own, he didn’t need anyone else. And what exactly was Kevin gonna do?

Softly, he began to whistle an old tune that resembled one of their past songs just a little. It felt like he was slowly going insane. Step seven, the magic word.

“Please?” he tried, just for good measure. Brian just blinked. Nick leaned back again, frustrated. He should call Baylee, have the kid safe his father, sure why not? Reluctantly, he retrieved the worn cell phone from his pocket and dialled a familiar number. Baylee and he had been texting for quite a while, it was the only way the boy seemed able to have a ‘normal’ talk, since he seemed to avoid everything that even remotely looked like a conversation in real life. When all this was over, they’d need to find the kid a good shrink.

Nick shook his head exasperated at that thought, listening to the dial tone of his phone. It took the thirteen year old ages to answer his cell and Nick became impatient rapidly. “God, I swear, if  he answers right now, Imma drinking his tea for a month.”

He nearly dropped the phone when he saw Brian shoot upright suddenly. Nick stared with open mouth when his friend looked around, dazed.

“No thank you,” he heard him mutter quietly.

“Nick? Wazzup?” he finally heard Baylee answer at the other end of the line.

“Huh?” he asked, bewildered.

“Why you callin’ me?” the kid explained.

“Owh, er, nothing. Just wanted to let you know you’re a genius,” Nick breathed, still stunned. So there was more to Kamille tea than met the eye. Brilliant.

I, er, okay, thanks?Baylee replied uncertainly.

“Yep, okay, bye,” Nick broke him off. He’d have to explain things when the kid got home, but right now, there were other things that needed taking care off. Looking up, he saw Brian staring intently at him with narrowed eyes, completely astonished, as if seeing him for the first time. Nick raised his eyebrows questioningly.

“Hm?” he asked.

“Nick?” the surprise had been expected and Nick sighed.

“Yeah…” he admitted.

“You doin’ here?”

“I have no idea.”

Step eight, breakdown.

End Notes:

:) please review, please... O__O

55. The Weight Of The World by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:
arggh, finally. And although this is just a filler (or maybe not so much) please enjoy and review
55. The Weight Of The World
December 2015
“So, when are you leaving?” Jason Maxx asked the smaller boy quietly. Baylee didn’t look up. Why’d he have to bring it up? Wasn’t it enough to just hang around and chill? Did they really have to talk about… stuff? He shuddered at the thought and didn’t answer for some time. Meanwhile, he felt Jason staring a hole through the back of his head. Although winter had almost begun, there were still hammocks in Jason’s backyard. He and Baylee loved to just hang around in them and chill.
Jason was a cool guy, Baylee had known him ever since first grade and they’d been friends from then on. And though teachers hated it whenever the two were together, Baylee couldn’t wish for a better friend. In many aspects he was everything Baylee was not and Baylee was everything Jason was not. His former neighbour friend was tall, standing almost at six feet at age thirteen, whereas Baylee, inheriting both his parents genes, hadn’t even reached 5’4’ yet. Jason’s dark skin and black hair opposed to Baylee’s slightly tanned skin and blond locks made the two friends as different as day and night. Jason didn’t care about being a part of a group, he was independent and although he didn’t seem to belong anywhere, people still respected him for his ability to stay calm at all times and his great sense of humour. Baylee was different, he was a sucker for even the littlest bit of attention and had quite easily found his way up the popularity ladder. He suspected his popularity in school had something to do with his father’s job though, seeing his status had dropped drastically ever since Dad got kicked out. The others had bullied him slightly when his father had left the group, but Jason had stuck up for him, like he always did. They’d both soon discovered that seventh grade sucked if you didn’t belong to the top of popularity.
Baylee shifted slightly in his hammock. The only problem with Jason was, although he seemed like a really tough, and silent guy from the outside, he loved to talk about serious stuff. Stuff that was going on in the world, stuff that was going on with him, and unfortunately, stuff that was going on with Baylee as well. Jason knew all about what was going on with Baylee and the younger boy assumed that his friend was the only one that did in the entire school. He hadn’t even told the teachers about… stuff. Maybe the fact that he wasn’t actually in school most of the year played a big role as well, as he had been home-schooled whenever Dad had brought him and Mom with him on tour. Those days were over now though…
“T’morrow,” Baylee muttered almost inaudibly. Jason knew that very well, but it was just another tactic to peel a conversation about… stuff… out of Baylee. The last three weeks he’d been fairly successful in drowning out any thoughts of the future. Actually, he, Nick and Dad had taken every distraction known to man not to acknowledge the fact that this coming Christmas was going to suck big time. Dad had declared it the three weeks of eventfulness, which actually meant they were obliged to do something different, something memorable, every single day. They’d been all over the United States as they’d played a game of Poker of Death with AJ, as the Backstreet Boy liked to call it. Sailed all the way up to the Atlantic Ocean on Nicks new sailboat, as the blond had declared his previous one dead and had spontaneously bought a new one when they’d arrived at the docks in New York. The weeks went too fast, and Baylee had found himself living day by day, desperately trying not to think about what was to come. Of course, the eventfulness, wasn’t all that it had been made out to be. Baylee knew his father had good and bad days, which became pretty clear on the fishing trip with Granddad and Harold. Whenever Harry asked if Dad was okay, he’d just answer that he didn’t do boats very well, but Baylee wasn’t fooled. His father had been fine on the sailing boat with Nick and despite his efforts, Baylee found himself quickly losing interest in the rest of the day as the harshness of reality came smashing back. The three weeks of eventfulness had been nice at first, but had taken on a forced pretence, something that was close to obsession in Nick the last couple of days, that Baylee had tried to nicely, but sternly decline his offer to go bowling with Kevin and Lauren today. Instead, he’d wandered around the street and had eventually called Jason to ask if he could come over.
Now here they were, pretending that it was midsummer in their hammocks and lazily sipping on their cokes like there was not a worry in the world. Maybe it wasn’t something different and by no means something memorable, but Baylee liked it that way, and now Jason had decided it was time to talk.
“When will you be back?” the taller boy asked, his voice muffled through a large bite of burned potatoes.
“Dunno, we’ll stay there for at least a month,” Baylee answered reluctantly. Mom and Dad had decided a long time ago that if it ever came this far, they’d return to Kentucky for Baylee and Mom to stay with Grandma and Granddad. But now, instead of Mom, Nick was coming with them. Mom had called the day after Baylee had found the two singers in the attic and had said that it was probably better if she stayed away for a while. He’d been mad as hell at first, because really, how could she? But whenever he saw the burning anger in his father’s eyes when someone spoke about Mom, Baylee kind of understood why it was probably better. He had no idea what had happened in the attic and had the feeling that he didn’t want to know either. When he’d asked Nick about it one day, the Backstreet Boy had looked at him sternly and had growled something pretty close to, “Not of your concern,” and that was that. Baylee wasn’t an idiot, he’d seen the enormous mess of broken glass on the third floor and the numerous cuts on his father’s face, hands, and feet. Add to that fact that Nick’s arm was almost entirely blue, if not purple, and Baylee could assume that at least something disastrous must have happened while he was away. Can’t leave them on their own for a few hours before the world crashes down.
“That sucks man,” Jason commented sadly, “wanna talk about it?”
Haha, yeah right! “Nah, dude it’s okay,” Baylee cut him of quickly, “You know, you should really consider having a talkshow one day,” he joked lightly.
“You are avoiding the subject,” Jason was still looking at him. Was he serious?
“Well observed, my dear Watson,” Baylee replied, breaking eye-contact.
“You know I won’t tell anyone else if you decide you wanna talk,” the older boy promised.
“What are you, like, a girl or something? I don’t wanna talk about that shit, why can’t you just understand? You don’t even know what it feels like! So why do you want to talk about it?” he lashed out and Jason shrunk back. Baylee immediately regretted his outburst when his friend got the old familiar distant look in his eyes. He’d made a mistake, a big one, and it became perfectly clear as he saw Jason nodding slowly, then climbing out of his haddock.
It wasn’t fair, really. Jason had always been there to help him, and now Baylee was only pushing him away. Oh well, too bad. The older boy had had his fair share of crappy stuff, even if he was only thirteen, but Baylee tried often not to think about that. They didn’t talk about it either, so why should he?

April 2016
“So, how would you describe the relationship with your father?” the man asked, only a little monotonously.
Baylee snorted and watched the clock on the wall behind the psychologist. Talking about stuff was never his strongest suit, not before, and certainly not after. He kept staring at the doctor and the doctor kept staring back with that annoying, calm expression Baylee had learnt to hate thoroughly.
“We can sit here for an hour, like we usually do, just looking at one another, or we can have a good talk, what do you say?” the young man asked hopefully. He knew it was no use. The kid was stubborn, refusing to talk about anything but the weather. He couldn’t blame the young boy though, with all that he’d been through.
“I’ll say no,” Baylee growled in a tone that left no room for discussion. The man sitting on the other side was younger than he’d imagined. Couldn’t be older than 25 and although he wouldn’t admit, he liked the shrink’s different ways of trying to get him to open up a little. None of them had worked up until this point though, and Baylee found huge satisfaction in continuing to lead the guy on.
“Fine, then we’ll sit here, wait until the session is over, you’ll go back to your house, and we’ll repeat this same mantra every week until we’re old and grey, is that what you want?”
“See for yourself,” was the vague, useless answer. Sam Burgenson sighed and raked a hand through his brown hair. “You know, I don’t mind it, your Mom will keep paying me either way,” he teased.
“Pfff, not if I tell her that it’s useless,” Baylee warned angrily. Sam smiled, it was one of the first emotional reactions he’d been able to get out of the child. He sat up a little straighter, a sudden idea racing through his mind.
“You know, we don’t have to talk, really,” he began and saw Baylee looking up sceptically, because, wasn’t that what he was here for?
“Huh?”
“No. But we don’t have to sit here and stare at each other either,” Sam continued. “What do you say we play a game?”
Baylee scoffed dejectedly and put his feet on the coffee table. “I’m too old to play games.”
“You’re never too old to play a game, Baylee. Besides, you’re just thirteen. You might think you’re a lot older, but you’re not.”
Baylee’s eyes narrowed dangerously and Sam knew that if the kid could smite him, he would have. “Fine.” The boy relented curtly.
Sam smiled victoriously. “Okay, so I’ll say a word, and you have to think of something that comes up to you as fast as possible. Sounds like fun, doesn’t it?”
“No.”
“Just try.”
“Fine.”
“Okay, here we go. Er, ‘school’” Sam started.
“School,” Baylee replied sweetly.
“Doesn’t work like that,” the psychologist explained patiently.
“Alright, alright, so let’s see, school… boring.”
“There you go.”
“Wait, you’re not getting mad?” the kid seemed a little taken aback.
“No, why would I?”
“Because I just said school’s boring,” Baylee explained hesitatingly.
“That’s not the point, Baylee, besides, I’m not one of your parents, I don’t really care what you think your school’s worth,” Sam stated and smiled a little at the incredulous and suspicious expression on his client’s face.
Baylee nodded slowly, so I can say anything I want, that’s what he’s saying. It could be fun, he though with a smirk.
“Okay, go on.”
“Hah, err, ‘pets’”
“Momo, err, I mean, Lucy,” Baylee corrected himself quickly. Momo was dead, Katie was his now. But still…
“No, you’ll have to go with Momo,” Sam urged.
“I don’t want to, Momo’s gone, Lucy is my dog now.”
“So does that mean Momo’s not a part of your life anymore?” Sam asked.
Baylee’s eyes widened. That bastard! He’d trapped him! This wasn’t just a game, it was psychology!
“I, err, next question,” he demanded.
“Fine. ‘Girl’”
“Katie.”
“Girlfriend?”
“Maybe…” Baylee smiled. He had no idea where he and Katie were standing exactly in the relationship chain, but he’d been seeing her a little more than he’d like to admit, and felt himself attracted to her. Call him arrogant, but he had the feeling that it was kind of mutual.
“Congratulations.”
“Thanks.”
“Friend?”
“Jason,” he stated solemnly. Jason and he may not have been on speaking terms for a while, but he was working on that. Or planning to anyway.
“Family.”
“Granddad.” It could have been grandma too, either of them.
“Help.”
“I’m sorry?”
“That’s the next word. ‘Help’”
“Coastguard?”
“Nice one.” Sam commented and Baylee only then noticed him writing something down.
“What are you doing?” he asked, suddenly suspicious again.
“I’m writing down your answers. See how many points you get.”
Baylee didn’t really believe him, but decided to play along, “How much was ‘coastguard?’”
“Twelve,” Sam answered and continued to write. Baylee raised one eyebrow and grinned, shaking his head.
“Jeez, thanks.”
“Morning.”
“Sunrise.”
“Lucy.”
“Dog.”
“Food.”
“Mac and cheese.”
“Nick.”
“Help,” Baylee frowned. He hadn’t meant to say that. He had no idea where it came from. Was that the true purpose of the game? He hadn’t any time to think about it though, cause Sam had apparently found his calling, firing random words at him like there was no tomorrow. Baylee decided not to think about it any longer, to just go with the flow and answered each word with one of his own, finally finding some enjoyment in the game and he relaxed a little on the couch.
“Home.”
“Atlanta.”
“Stage.”
“Performing.”
“Mom.”
“Bitch.”
He didn’t care to admit it, Sam should know what he thought about Mom. Would he ever forgive her? Not in a long run.
“Okay, that just got you 15 points. “love.’“
“Heart.”
“Job.”
“Singer.”
“Money.”
“iPhone,” Baylee nodded contently. It had been one of the first things he’d bought all by himself, and he was proud of it.
“Christmas.”
“Hospital.”
“Fear.”
“Chemo.”
“Father.”
“Dead.”
His whole body grew cold with the last two words. He silenced abruptly, and barely noticed Sam shutting up as well. This could be marked as the point he’d gone too far.
“Twenty points.”
56. Duck And Run by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:
I like this one for a change XD
56. Duck And Run
December 2015
“Where is that goddamn left turn?” Nick cried out heatedly. They’d been driving for the past two hours and all he could see was a straight highway where there should have been a left turn.
“Hell if I know,” Baylee muttered from the backseat. Great. Nick dared a look sideways, at his friend, who’d been staring out of the window, sightless, vacant. Raking up his courage, Nick flew his right arm towards his brother, hitting him in the shoulder.
“Woa, woa, what?” Brian yelled suddenly, exasperated.
“Focus!” Nick urged, “Where’s the left turn?”
The former Backstreet Boy looked at him for a while, then finally answered, “Do I look like I paid attention?”
“I’m just saying, you oughta know, cause you’ve been staring out of that window for over an hour, dude.”
“Alright, alright, let me check,” Brian sighed, returning his gaze to the outside world again, “Well, I do know we’re not supposed to be here,” he mumbled, more to himself than to his friend.
Nick’s mouth fell open in astonishment and he heard the boy on the backseat snicker ruefully. Nick shot him a venomous look. It had been hell to convince the kid to get into the car and on their way that morning. Baylee had neatly chosen that moment to be a little pain in the ass and had refused to even get out of bed. Add the fact that Nick was all on his own in finally being able to get the thirteen year old strapped into the car, as Brian hadn’t done anything but following him meekly wherever he went and not giving a damn about anything. So was it really any wonder he was stressed out right now? Only when Nick had threatened to call Leighanne to pick Baylee up if he didn’t get in the car right now, Baylee had sweetly complied. Terrific, the fact that the child would rather go along with them to Kentucky than to stay with his mom, spoke more than a thousand words. Brian had kept himself on the background, merely grunting whenever Leighanne was subject of discussion, but making very clear that it was something they were not allowed to speak about. The last three weeks, or weeks of eventfulness, as they called them now, they had only been a little successful in blocking the thoughts of what was to come when all the fun ended. Nick had felt it slamming right into his face the past four days, and he was almost entirely sure it felt the same for Brian, judging by the way his friend had grown even more quiet than he was.
But unlike his son, Brian had had no trouble in finding his seat in the convertible. It had surprised Nick a little in the way his former band mate seemed so eager in going to Kentucky. Maybe he forgot why we’re heading there. Probably.
“This is just great,” he muttered to himself, “you know, these are your parents we’re going to, you should know the way!”
“Not really, we usually fly there,” Brian answered. Why wasn’t he stressed out? They were going to be late, that was for sure. Nick normally couldn’t care less about being late somewhere, but this was important.
“Well, we can’t fly, remember?” Nick urged.
“I know, my fault, I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault,” he sighed. “Come on, you must have gone to your parents by car once in your life, right?”
“Oh sure, you think I would remember? Why is this all my fault? What was the exact reason you don’t drive with GPS anymore?”
“Because I broke it…” Nick mumbled.
“Exactly.”
“Left,” Baylee muttered suddenly.
“What?”
“Left, after half a mile, turn left. That’s what the sign read.”
“I’m glad someone’s paying attention,” Nick said, relieved and sank into the driver’s seat again. “I’ll give you five bucks.”
“I get five bucks?” Baylee shot up at the mention of money, looking at Nick in the rear-view-mirror with bright, expectant eyes. “Dad, he’s gonna give me five bucks!”
“Don’t give money to my kid.”
“Dad! Not cool!”
Nick laughed amused as the bickering between father and son went on for a little while longer. They needed this, this useless chatting. His smile faded when he realized this would be one of the last normal conversations they were going to have for a long time.

June 2016
“Oh, finally. Prince Charming is going to get married,” Howie teased, only a little drunk.
“Shut up, you’re drunk even before the ceremony’s started,” Nick glared. How he wished he could get drunk too…
“I’m not drunk,” Howie slurred carefully, “Just tipsy, kay?”
“Whatever you say, dude.”
“I can’t help it, this wine’s just so good.”
“It’s a fine wine!” Nick joked and heard Howie laugh hysterically. It was a joke that had been going on for more than a decade now, but somehow, it still set Howie off. Nick smiled and shook his head, turning only to shrink back as he saw his mother approach rapidly.
“Nickolas Carter,” she started in a warning tone, “are you going to leave that poor girl doing everything by herself?”
He stared at her for a moment and felt Howie brush past him, mumbling, “Oh no, here comes trouble.” Finally he smiled back at the woman that he hadn’t called Mom in the longest time. “Look, I really wish I could help, but I thought I wasn’t allowed to see the bride before the wedding?” He tried sweetly.
Jane seemed to think about that for a minute, then decided to approach a different subject. “You know, you’re brother was really upset when you didn’t ask him to be your best man.”
Nick almost scoffed, but stopped himself before he had the chance to. It was hard to imagine Aaron being upset about something like that. “Is that why he’s not here?” he challenged, knowing well that Aaron probably couldn’t care less about him getting married. Aaron couldn’t care less about anything. It wasn’t really surprising, considering Nick had been the exact same when he’d been his age. At that time he hadn’t cared about anything but himself, but those days were over. If only he could convince his mother that this past year had learnt him a lot about himself, as well as others. She didn’t believe in him, she didn’t believe he could change. He did, and he had, but was it ever good enough? Did it really matter?
Jane didn’t answer him right away, and eventually mumbled something that sounded like, “Still, it couldn’t have hurt to ask someone.”
Nick stopped her, grabbing her arm before she could walk away, “I did ask someone,” he let her know.
“Who might that be?”
“Brian,” Nick clarified simply. He watched surprised as his mother’s face changed from one of anger and disappointment, to pity and compassion.
“Oh honey,” she whispered.
“What?” he asked perplexed. Why was she like this?
“He’s not coming, baby,” she replied softly.
Nick frowned, shaking his head, “No… you don’t know that.”
Jane didn’t say another word, instead looking at the church’s doors with a sad expression. Nick followed her gaze and saw what she meant. There they were. His family, friends, his bandmates, Lauren’s friends, even parents of friends, children of friends. He watched with a stone expression as Kevin hesitatingly raised his hand to greet him from the back of the church. Nick raised his hand as well, but his face didn’t change. Kevin’s other arm was around a thirteen years old shoulder and Nick wished with all his might that it wasn’t so. But he couldn’t deny the truth anymore when behind the blond kid, a woman, just as blond, appeared. Nick pressed his eyes shut, trying to block it out. He didn’t want to remember, not now, not today. This was his day. He opened his eyes again, still waiting, hoping, but realized after a while that his Mom was right. Brian wasn’t there, he wouldn’t come either. And it was all his fault.

December 2015
He woke up with a start and noticed immediately that it was in the middle of the night. He didn’t know exactly where the noise that had woken him had come from. Listening intently, he wondered if maybe he would hear it again. After a few moments, he shrugged, but just when he’d put his head back on the soft pillow Brian’s Mom had carefully picked out, just when he’d closed his eyes to go back to sleep, he heard it, and his eyes flew open again. This time he did recognize the sound and frowned deeply. This part of Lexington was usually really quiet, even more so at midnight. Brian had chosen the perfect location for the house he’d bought his parents so many years ago. The old, but beautiful farm was large and dark, but full of love, with a long, private road leading up to it. The only sound you could hear in the night was the soft rustling of the trees, or the quiet stream of water in the garden. The harsh noise of a convertible’s engine stood out everywhere in this town, but even more so here, at midnight.
Nick slowly climbed out of bed, hoping no one else had heard the sound, and tried to make the stairs creak as little as possible. He hadn’t cared to put any socks on, and his shoes felt cold and clammy around his bare feet as he put them on, on the porch. A chill ran through his spine when he felt the freezing night breeze play with his light jacket. It wasn’t made for Kentucky winters and Nick wished he’d bought another one when they’d arrived in town that afternoon. Shivering, he made his way around the house, hands jammed into his pockets, trying to keep himself as warm as possible. He already knew where he was going, already knew what he’d find there too. He sighed deeply as he opened the heavy garden door and walked towards the open shed where he’d parked his car only half a day before. He stared for a while, contemplating when it was the right time to say anything.
“Where are you going, Rok?” He finally said, looking sternly at the man that was making only vain attempts in getting the roofless car back to life. Nick didn’t even smile when his friend jumped about a mile up in the air, startled and when he turned around with a jolt.
“What are you doing here?” Brian asked astonished.
“I asked you first.”
“I’m going home,” Brian told him, almost inaudible over the sound of his useless attempt to start the car again. “The hell is wrong with this thing?”
“I think it would go way better if you used the keys you can’t hotwire my convertible,” Nick answered, not amused. “You can’t go home.”
“Don’t tell me what I can and cannot do,” his friend hissed suddenly.
Nick nodded slowly, taking a few steps closer. “Alright, I just want to remind you that you haven’t had your license in two years.”
“I’ll be fine,” the older man grunted.
“I just don’t want you to wreck my car, is all.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“Any particular reason you don’t wanna stay?” the younger asked.
“I just wanna go home.”
“Great. Then what do I tell your parents, your son, tomorrow morning? They’re gonna be worried sick with you in that car, is that what you want?” Nick asked. Of course he knew it, but Brian’s answer surprised him.
“No! You wanna know what I want?” he rasped in a hoarse voice that echoed through the shed, “I want my hair back. And I want to remember the words to Siberia, I want to spend a day without my head feeling like it’s gonna blow up, I want to be a Backstreet Boy, basically, I want my life back, but I can’t have that, never again, so yes, I want to go home.”
“You could have that again, just don’t run away.”
“Oh come on, you know as well as I, that what we’re gonna do tomorrow, will only be more useless and painful than everything we did before.”
“I get why you’re scared, man, but you gotta…”
“I’m not scared,” Brian interrupted him harshly, “I’m just not… not naïve anymore.”
Nick sighed, then slowly retrieved the keys from his coat’s pocket. He held them in front of his friend. Brian stared at them for a moment, then looked at Nick questioningly.
“I’ll give you a choice. You can take these keys, get the hell out of here and stay home. But know when you do so, it means you’re giving up. There’s nothing they or anyone else can do anymore. You’ll go home, stay there, and eventually rot away there too. Of course, if that’s what you want, I’ll go with you.”
Brian didn’t reply for a long time. Then he brought his hands up to rub his face and closed his eyes. “Or?”
“Or you can stay here, come with me tomorrow and fight for this thing. We’ll do it together either way, and it’s going to hurt, but you’re not alone,” Nick promised. “So what do you say?”
Brian clenched his jaw as the inner war of indecision raged inside him. Nick couldn’t wait that long. They needed to get inside. They both were not dressed for the temperature outside and if Brian got sick now, than the decision would already be made and they would be heading back to Atlanta before he could say otherwise.
“What’s it gonna be Brian?” he urged. “What do you really want?”
End Notes:
just a small clifhanger :)
if you like, please review and thanks for reading.
57. Embrace Me by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:
yay for weird chapters :D
Now
The line was thin, and he’d never been that good in balancing to begin with. There was light on one side, darkness on the other and both wanted things from him that he couldn’t give. The world wasn’t the world anymore. Instead it had morphed into this thin, endless cord, surrounded by mist. Beneath was darkness, beckoning him, come to me, it said. Above him was light, but it was too high to reach, and his fear of heights wasn’t helpful either. So he went on, trying to keep himself steady, balancing on the line. If he lost his balance, he’d fall into darkness. If he stopped walking, the line would disappear from underneath him, and he’d fall into darkness. And why shouldn’t he? But always, just when he was about to give in, he could hear the voices from the outside. And for some reason, he knew he wasn’t alone. There was more in this world that he couldn’t see, more than he could comprehend. So he kept going, although he had no idea how he’d ended up here, and knew even less how he could get out.
Today was different though, today he was just so tired. It was getting harder and harder to put one foot in front of the other, keep his focus forward, and trying not to fall. This time he was absolutely sure his head was going to explode in a matter of seconds. Why was he even doing this? Sure there were people talking to him again, but he didn’t recognize what they were saying, or even who they were. In fact, most of the time he didn’t even know who he was, or who he had been.
The words were often encouraging, loving, but ignorant. Voices from outside, that had no idea of what was really going on. Though he knew that without them, he’d have fallen a lot sooner. It was fear that kept him going, really. Fear that when he took a wrong step, something bad would happen. What that was, he did not know. Fear of the unknown.
“What’s it gonna be, Brian? What do you really want?”
He shook his head briefly, trying to keep the voices out that he knew weren’t from the outside. They housed deep within him, telling him to give it up, let himself fall, it’s not worth all this trouble, you’re not worth all this trouble.
“You are, in fact, alone, don’t you know?” they would say. “Everybody left, they don’t believe in you anymore, so why should you?” they wondered. He didn’t have a suitable answer, but didn’t want to listen to what he knew was the truth. What if the outside voices, weren’t really outside at all? It was the biggest fear of all, bigger than the pain, bigger than the numbness, bigger than the confusion was the fear, the fear that he was indeed abandoned, left to deal with this endless struggle all by himself.
I can’t do that.
He squeezed his eyes shut and stopped walking for a moment, listening intently. The voices he heard were all his own and it made him scared to death. Where was the outside? Where was the lifeline he’d been holding on for so long?
Shit.

Then
He stared at the keys that were still dangling from Nick’s fingers. Nick was giving him the easy way out, he knew that. He also knew that Nick, and probably everyone else on this planet would be very disappointed if he actually took the easy way out. Reaching out his hand, Brian wondered if he really cared about that. They were the outside, they had no idea, no freaking clue, on how it was like for him.
“What I really want?” he asked nervously and Nick nodded slowly.
What he really wanted was something not Nick, nor anybody else could ever give him. He wanted his life, and the only one who could give him that was himself. Or God. Pfft, yeah right. God got him in this situation in the first place and the man didn’t seem keen on getting him back out.
Swiftly, he snatched the car keys from Nick’s hand and watched the stone expression on the younger man’s face turn into a defeated one. He fumbled the keys a little in his fingers, contemplating on what to do. Suddenly he threw them back at Nick. “I want you to drive me to the lake,” he commented softly and watched Nick’s eyebrows shoot up in question.
“Wha…?”
“Just get in the car.”

January 2016
No no no, not now, not now! It was the everlasting mantra raging through Nick’s mind as he walked up and down the hallway outside of the hospital room that had become more and more like a prison to him. This wasn’t happening, not really, it couldn’t be, could it? He kept himself busy asking questions that he didn’t have an answer for. For more than two weeks they’d been here, and it had gone better than he thought it would have, honestly. That was, up until this point.
His head shot up immediately when he saw the young doctor exit the room. The guy looked beat and Nick was sure he could see the beads of sweat trickling down the man’s forehead. When he caught his look, he could see him nod, almost unnoticeable and breathed a deep sigh of relief. Dr Anders motioned towards the door and Nick mumbled a quick, thank you, before entering.
They had said that it could, and probably would, happen, but Nick had chosen to ignore that particular part of the already gloomy description of what was in store. They had said the medication wouldn’t be enough anymore, but it had been fine until now. Until now.
Cautiously, he looked at the now still figure, looking so small, so frail. In a few steps, he was by his side, like he had been for all those weeks, and would be for all the more weeks to come. With a sigh, he sat down again, leaning his head on the side of the bed, near his friend’s hand, trying not to think of just how much Brian had scared him.
The tears brimmed his eyes as he whispered brokenly, “Don’t ever do that again, you hear me?”

December 2015
He looked at his friend nervously, not wanting to say anything. The silence was so pure, almost sacred and Nick was afraid to break it. Cause maybe, just maybe, with the silence, a lot of other things would be broken as well.
For some reason, or perhaps for no reason at all, they’d driven out here and had stared over the quiet lake for almost an hour. Brian remained still as a statue, and Nick became more and more agitated as time went by and he still had no idea what they were doing here.
“So why are we here?” he finally spoke softly, as carefully as possible. Brian didn’t move, didn’t even look at him when he replied.
“We’re here to find the answer.”
Great. Nick nodded slowly, unbelieving and hooked his arms around his long legs.
“Uhuh, so what was the question exactly?” he asked. He was beyond freezing now and wondered why he had ever agreed to bring them here. The lake was way out of town, was by no means remarkable, but somehow meant the world to Brian. Nick was only glad that he’d been able to convince his older friend to put on some more clothes before they left.
Brian chuckled quietly, took a deep breath and answered sternly, “Did you already forget? You should let yourself get checked, maybe this thing’s contagious.”
“’s not funny,” Nick answered with a smile.
“It’s a little funny.”
“Alright, so I forgot, what’s the question, oh, all-knowing master of mine?”
“What I really want,” Brian answered cryptically and left it at that. Nick looked around for a few moments, raising his eyebrows, not impressed.
“You want a freezing, filthy lake?” he questioned incredulously.
Brian rolled his eyes a little at that, although Nick could see it hurt him to do so. “No, ‘f course not,” he mumbled, “you know, this lake was once clean and so full of life. I actually learnt how to swim in these waters.”
Nick frowned, not really liking where the conversation was going. “And?” he asked nonetheless.
“Now it is dying, and forgotten, and nobody really knows what to do with it anymore. What I really want?” he paused momentarily, shifting a little in the wet grass on the hill they had perched themselves upon, “I want this lake to be clean again. I want this all to be over. Can you promise me that?”
Nick, still having to get used to the metaphor, nodded slowly. “Sure, I could get this lake mugged out, we’ll get this place clean in no time.”
A chill ran through his spine when Brian began to scream at him suddenly, “No! You don’t understand! Do I have to spell it out for you? I’m the lake! I want to be clean again, I want it to be over, can you promise me that?” he asked again, frustrated this time.
Nick sank back in the grass, not caring about the freezing cold that it brought with it, that crept into his pants first, and then his entire body. Though he didn’t know if the cold had so much to do with the wet grass, as well as the helpless, desperate stare of his big brother, that demanded an answer from him that he couldn’t give. Defeated, he shook his head, looking at the ground. “No, no I can’t, nobody can, we’ll just have to have faith.”
“Well, I can’t do this on just faith,” Brian said in a broken voice, the fear displaying in his blue, bloodshot eyes.
“There was a time you could,” Nick remembered. In the last two months, he had often wondered where the Backstreet Boy with the strong faith had disappeared into. “There was a time you wouldn’t let anything get the better of you.”
“Yeah well, that was before,” Brian replied dejectedly, “before everything went to hell.”
Nick scoffed softly, “Excuse me for saying this, but that’s bullshit,” he declared sternly and saw Brian looking up at him in the dark, an offended frown on his face, “I err, I mean,” Nick continued hesitatingly, “what was it you used to say? You can’t only have faith when the miracles happen, you have to have it when they don’t?”
A long silence followed and Nick returned his gaze towards the lake again, feeling Brian’s stare burning in his shoulder. After a while, the older man scoffed, shaking his head carefully, “When did you ever listen to me?”
“Always.”

Now
Was it supposed to feel like this? He had no idea, he’d never done it before, or he couldn’t remember if he ever had. A beam of light flashed before him, like lightning, and he almost lost his balance. Shocked, he looked around carefully, trying to keep himself on that thin line between light and darkness. Where did that just come from? Were they trying to kill him? Carefully, he continued his useless, never ending journey. God, he was so cold. Was it supposed to feel this cold?
He wished he could just lie down, sleep for a while, hope he’d feel better then. But that wasn’t going to happen. He’d surely fall, and if there was something he didn’t want to do, it was falling. He wasn’t scared of heights particularly, he was scared to fall, to break his neck, on whatever was out there in the darkness. So he kept going, carefully but steadily. Maybe if he walked long enough, maybe if he got far enough, the world would start making sense again, if it ever did in the first place. Must have. He didn’t remember much from the world before it had turned into this terrifying scenario, but he wanted it back nonetheless.
He shivered again, trying to stop the pain from overtaking his body. He couldn’t have that now. This was hard enough without agony coursing all around him. He looked down briefly and just then remembered he wasn’t supposed to do that. Trying to keep himself on the line, he flailed his arms to keep his balance, swaying dangerously. His heart picked up speed when he realized that this could be it, this could be falling.
He laughed relieved when he returned his gaze on the line again, he’d made it this time. He hadn’t fallen. Not now, not ever, not…
Flash
He faltered and placed his left foot a little too much to the left. The flash had been right in front of him and with a yelp, he felt himself falling, desperately trying to grab the thin line, but only then realizing it wasn’t something you could grab physically. He was doomed, he’d fall to his death. His mind on panic mode, he tried to scream, yell for help, but he was alone. He’d always been alone.
Is this what dying feels like?
The darkness was as endless as the line had been, but it was all the more scary. He was thrashing, flailing, trying to get a grip of something, anything in this black empty void. Screaming, help me, to someone, anyone. But with the darkness, there came the silence. Suffocating, endless and above all, alone.
End Notes:
please review if you want to know where this ends :P
58. Rock The Boat by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:
ohnoes
January 2016
For the first time in a while, he felt his eyes slip closed and slowly sank back in the hospital’s version of a recliner. Normally, he didn’t sleep, but now that they’d finally been able to calm Brian down enough so that the older man would go to sleep as well, Nick let himself slip. The day had been rough, as had all days been whenever a new round was starting. For some reason, in his hazy mind, Brian always thought they were coming to murder him when nurses came in with the ‘medication’, and he went in complete panic mode. It was always the same, in this two long weeks they’d stayed here. They would have to sedate him, which made the former singer only more confused, before they could even start the treatment. The chemo’s were following each other up pretty quickly now, and Nick had lost complete track of just how much they’d already pumped into his friend. Not that he wanted to know. And he could only pray it was working.
That was the worst part, not knowing if they were doing this for a good cause or not. The doctors still couldn’t say anything, as it was too soon to tell. Did they really need to get Brian to the point of dying, before he could get better again? Was it really worth all that risk?
Yes, it was. As long as there was only one glimpse, one tiny little light of hope that it would soon all be over, Nick would continue to defy his friend, that often begged him to make it stop, to please, please get him out of there. No, they couldn’t go home. Going home would mean they were giving up. But was it really fair to decide that for Brian?
His dreams are filled with nightmares. Of crying little boys, worried girlfriends and dying friends. How had his life turned into this? Into this tragedy? Just when his dreams took him to yesterday’s events, he woke up with a start. He remembered being so scared that this was it, this was the end, but it wasn’t. Just a plain old seizure, or so the doctor put it. Gosh, it was by no mean plain old to Nick. It was one of the most terrifying things he’d ever had to witness.
Shaking his head, he tried to get the images of his thrashing and flailing friend out of his mind. He had to think of the good things. The good things. He drew a blank. He wished he could run away, leave this room behind and never look back. He knew he’d regret that enormously later, but did he really care about that now?
A sharp intake of breath focused his attention on the bed. Apparently Brian had just woken from a nightmare himself, judging by the round, horrified eyes he set upon Nick. A little flare of hope sparked inside the younger man when he actually could see a little recognition in Brian’s eyes. Most of the time his eyes were sightless, not able to comprehend a single thing around him. Now they were big, too bright and demanding Nick to tell him what the hell was happening. He frowned when Nick didn’t say anything, just took his hand and tried to guide him back to sleep. Brian wasn’t supposed to be awake right now, it would only bring more pain.
“Wha’s…”
“Shh…”
“But…”
“Shh!”
“Mmh,” Brian mumbled, not understanding what Nick was trying to do. “Wha’s going on?” he slurred incredulously.
“Nothing, go back to sleep,” Nick assured quickly.
“I fell,” his friend whispered suddenly.
“No, you didn’t, it was just a dream. Go back to sleep.”
“Oh… dream? Didn’t feel like a dream…” Brian muttered, looking around carefully, “Aww, my head.”
“Why don’t you ever freaking listen to me?” Nick argued softly. There was no way of getting Brian back to sleep, that was clear.
“I fell,” he whispered again.
“I know, it’s okay.”
“I tried to keep walking, but it was so hard, and I fell.”
“It’s okay.”

June 1980
“I fell! I fell, Harry! It hurt real bad!” Brian announced when he came back together with Mom. Harry looked sceptically at his little brother. The boy didn’t look like it hurt.
“What happened, squirt?” he questioned, not impressed. The kid had come back from the groceries with a proud and satisfied look on his face.
“I fell, my bike is weird!” the five year old declared and walked a little unsteadily into the kitchen. “Can I have bandage now?” He looked at Mom with begging eyes. Harold rolled his eyes.
“Your bike isn’t weird, you’re weird.”
“You’re weird!”
“Am not.”
“Are too!”
“Boys,” Dad grunted warningly, “Quiet.”
“But Daddy, I fell!” Brian yelled again. Harry wondered if his little brother wanted the whole neighbourhood to know. Probably. The kid was a sucker for attention. Just then he saw the small trickle of blood running from the child’s leg. “Woah, dude, you’re dying!”
Brian’s eyes grew large and he looked down quickly, afraid his legs might have been shot off.
“Am not!”
“Are too!”
“Am n..” before he could finish his sentence, Mom grabbed the younger child by his arm, “Sit down for a minute, duck,” she instructed sternly and Brian complied without a word.
“Harry said I was dying.”
“Don’t listen to what Harold says,” Mom advised and Harry scoffed.
“What’s the big deal, bro? So you skinned your knee, does the whole town have to know?”
“Hurt real bad!” Brian defied, “But I only cried for a little while, huh Mommy?”
“You sure did, little duck,” Mom answered softly while pressing a bandage on the wound. “There, you’re good to go.”
With a bright smile, Brian hopped off the counter, blocking Harold’s path.
“Just so you know,” the toddler sneered slowly and Harold raised his eyebrows, “Mommy gave me a cookie, and she didn’t give you one!”
With that, Brian stalked off and Harry watched him go, slowly shaking his head. That boy would become one hell of a resilient pain in the butt.

January 2016
Slowly, he shook his head, smiling sadly as he observed the two men in the confined hospital room. They both had no idea that he’d been standing there for over ten minutes. To be honest, he’d never thought Nick would stick to his word and was impressed, to say the least, seeing the kid finally able to keep a promise. He watched, his hope sinking as he heard Nick answering the same question over and over again. When are we going home?
Harold cleared his throat quietly and watched Nick looking up with a jolt. If he didn’t know any better, he’d say the younger man looked even worse than Brian. Harry could clearly see the dark bags beneath the blonde’s eyes and the creepy pallor of his skin. He briefly wondered when the kid last got a good night’s sleep and regretted ever leaving. But when he got a good look at his brother, Harold’s heart sank even further. His eyes were bloodshot, his face was sunken and if Harold thought Nick was pale, Brian was almost transparent. There was nothing left but skin over bones and it made Harry sick to his stomach. He could see his brother’s hands shaking and the bright flush that spread on his face, clearly indicating the raging fever that coursed through him.
Nick acknowledged him with a small nod of his head. He looked like he could fall asleep right then and there. Harry nodded back and Nick slowly got up, stretching his long legs. “Anything?” he asked matter-of-factly.
Harry shook his head dismissively. “No, nothing yet,” he replied softly.
“The fuck is taking them so long? It’s been two weeks already!” Nick grunted, frustrated. Harry knew exactly where he was coming from. It had been two weeks, two weeks of having no freaking clue on what they were doing. He didn’t know precisely how this kind of thing was supposed to work, but if it did, they’d better know it soon, cause Nick looked ready to give up.
“I know, there’ll be news soon, I just know it,” he tried to reassure weakly.
“Is that all you came here to do?” Nick grumbled moodily. Harry’s gaze shifted momentarily to his brother, who was watching them with interested eyes. He could clearly see that Brian had no idea what they were talking about, but was happy to see people in his room.
“What do you want me to do then?” he answered dejectedly.
“The hell were you yesterday?” Nick sneered suddenly. Harry looked down. He’d heard from his mother what happened and judging by the way Nick was reacting now, it had been even worse than he’d imagined.
“Does it matter?” he mumbled, “I should have been here, that’s what you’re saying right?”
Nick didn’t reply, instead bit his lip and looked at Brian, who was watching them both quizzically now, trying to determine why the conversation had suddenly changed.
“I thought he was dying,” Nick mumbled in a small voice. “Never do that again, understood?” he commanded Brian. The shorter man looked at him owlishly, then turned to Harry and raised his eyebrows in question.
“Dying?” he mumbled astonished as if hearing the word for the first time. “Who’s dying?”
“Nobody’s dying,” Harold answered sternly, leaving no room for arguments. He looked back nervously at the door. He shouldn’t be doing this today. Brian was far gone and Nick was in the foulest of moods. But someday had to be the first. “You know, I didn’t come here alone.”
The frown on Nicks face got deeper at that statement. The kid had become fairly protective over his brother and Harry could see that Nick wasn’t happy about the fact he hadn’t told him that he brought someone.
“What?” he hissed fiercely, his eyes narrowing.
“I brought someone,” Harry stated, then turned to his brother, “would you like to see?”
Brian nodded slowly, careful not to hurt his head and looked at Nick questioningly.
“Who?” Nick demanded immediately.
“Come on in,” Harold called and watched Nicks expression change from suspicion, to pure thunder as the person walked in.
“You! You’re not supposed to be here, you don’t have the right!” Nick spat.
“She’s got just as much right as you do, bro. Officially even more,” Harold explained, wondering if Nick would ever forgive him for bringing Leighanne with him.
59. Regrets and the Sorts by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:
Didn't really think I'd update this story, but hey, why not ^^
January 2016

Steeling herself for a while, she watched the sick man in the bed trying to break free from yet another nightmare.

What was she even doing here? He was better off without her, they all were. She should leave. He didn’t have to know that she ever came here. It would be better for everybody.

She winced visibly when she heard him cry out all of a sudden. What was she thinking? Without allowing another moment of hesitation, she walked over to where he lay and tried to soothe the feverish singer by stroking his cheek and whispering encouraging words. It wasn’t much, but it was better than leaving.


June 2016

The church was huge and crowded. TV cameras and newspaper reporters crawling all over the place. In a gone old past, she would have loved all that attention, even if it hadn’t been originally assigned to her. She would have found a way to throw herself in front of the cameras without so much as a second thought.

Now she did her best to go unnoticed as she weaved herself through the back of the church, trying to find Kevin and her son, who had gone in earlier. She saw the groom of the wedding talking nervously to his mother, glancing at the big church doors in the back every so often. It wasn’t much of a surprise that he was nervous, cause he’d been that way for almost the entire week, Lauren had told her.

It was one of the reasons they hadn’t told him about their little ‘surprise,’ cause if he knew, he’d freak out and wouldn’t be able to keep his mind on the wedding, and of course, if he knew, it wouldn’t be a surprise anymore.

She smiled ruefully, figuring he was going to freak out anyway.

“Mom!” Baylee called out and she looked up, watching her son strolling towards her with an excited expression.

“They here yet?” he wanted to know.

“No, I haven’t seen them yet,” she informed him and watched his face fall ever so slightly. Then he shrugged.

“Oh, okay, tell me when you see them.”

She nodded absently and focused her attention on the front of the ceremony again, frowning when she saw Nick standing there with a terrible lost expression on his face. He was staring to the doors now and as she watched the empty spot besides him, she knew why.

Just wait a little bit longer…




January 2016

She’d been hiding. In shame, she supposed. When Harold had called her a week ago, she’d been wanting to shut him out.

Why’d he have to do this? Didn’t he realise that he’d only make matters worse if he tried to contact her?

He’d made it very clear that he was not going to let her run anymore though and had ordered that she’d come and talk to him the next day. And she had. She’d told him everything, most of which he already knew, but he listened nonetheless. She’d poured her heart out, saying all the things she had never said to Brian. Harry had just sat there and listened, not judging, not taking sides. When she was finally done, he’d just nodded and declared that she had to remember what she’d said, cause she was gonna say it again, to the person who needed to hear it the most.

She’d asked him if he still believed that things could work out between her and Brian. He’d smiled wistfully, saying that it didn’t matter right now, that the only thing of real importance now was that his brother was surrounded by the people that loved him most, and that he believed that Leighanne was one of those persons.

Harry’s forgiveness had come as a welcome relief in her troubled mind and she didn’t hesitate when he invited her to come to the clinic.

There was a problem though.

When Harry had made her presence known to Nick, the Backstreet Boy had become absolutely furious. Two days in a row, he’d spend in the hospital room, denying her entrance as if she were some kind of infection that needed to be avoided at all costs. Maybe, in his eyes, she was.

She hadn’t really put up a fight, knowing Nick needed to calm down by himself and giving him the time to do so.

After those two days though, Harry had gotten so fed up with the younger man’s behaviour, he all but kicked Nick out of the room.

Leighanne didn’t really know where he went, but she was sure he was currently brooding somewhere, trying to think of a way to get rid of her.

She couldn’t exactly blame him. It was surely a risk, being here. Not that Brian had noticed. Not really. He didn’t seem to notice much anymore these days. He didn’t push her away, even if he should, even if that was what she deserved. It concerned her more than she’d like to admit, cause it made it very clear that Brian didn’t know who she, or anyone else around him really was at this point. He’d accept any kind of comfort from anyone right now, if only it made the pain a little less severe, a little less agonizing.

Leighanne had never really been able to figure out what the whole point of the new treatment was exactly. It only seemed to make things worse as she stared numbly at the struggling man in the overly large bed. She hadn’t really said much up to this point, knowing all the things she could say would only sound hollow, indifferent and wrong in so many ways. She’d shown him time and time again that she didn’t care enough to help him through this.

But she did care, damnit. She cared a lot. It wasn’t fair! If anything, she should be able to talk it out with Brian, make it up to him while there was still time.

But how much time was there, actually? The thought came as a shock. What if this was really the endgame. The finish. Do not pass go, do not collect 500 dollars, the end? What if she would never be able to set things right?

“Oh God,” she choked softly, feeling the tears slowly roll down her cheeks, “Please God, don’t let it be, please.”

Desperately, she took Brian’s sweaty hand in hers, “Please baby, it’s me,” she paused, her throat tightening in fear and sorrow, “I’m here now, I won’t leave. Even if it’s the last thing I’m going to do, I’m gonna stay here with you.”

She nodded to herself, making up her mind, and sat up a little straighter, a determined expression appearing on her face, “Just, don’t you worry about anything, alright? We don’t have to worry about what happened, it’s not important right now.”

She desperately stared at his face, hoping for a reaction, for some kind of recognition that he was even able to hear her talk. She received none.

“I-I just…” she stammered, swallowing, “I won’t leave you, you’re not alone. Not anymore,” she added, thinking about the overprotective Backstreet Boy that was thoroughly pissed off right now, “I mean, Nick’s here, and Harry, and the others, they’re on their way too.” Maybe it didn’t mean much when she promised she would be there for him, maybe Brian wasn’t actually that far gone, maybe he just chose to ignore her. She scoffed incredulously, knowing that that was only wishful thinking. But it calmed her mind just a little when she thought of all the support Nick, Harold and the others could provide, even if she couldn’t be there to give it herself, they would. “We’re all just waiting for you to be okay,” she whispered softly, kissing his temple slowly, hoping that the small gesture would take the pain away, even if it was just for a while.
60. Alright by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:
new chapter in nearly two years! Progress! Progress that could make you cry.
January 2016

Kevin’s eyes were round and glassy and Baylee clearly noticed the remainder of tears in there. He’d seen Kevin cry before, although whenever Kevin saw him, he always pretended like nothing was wrong. It was so stupid, really, because everything was wrong. Grandma did it too, and uncle Harry. And Grandpa seemed to be made out of stone often, unmoving in his chair with an empty look that was more than terrifying. And nobody would talk to Baylee. Whenever they went to the hospital, he asked if he could come with, but they wouldn’t let him. Said that there were no children allowed where Dad was. That was crap. Baylee wasn’t a child; he was thirteen. And it was his Dad. If anyone would be allowed to go, it was him. And then, suddenly, he’d been allowed to go. And it was a mistake. He felt everything inside him tightening with fear when he thought about it. It had been so terrible, so horrifying, he wished they had still told him no.

That wasn’t his Dad. It had to have been a mistake of some kind. It didn’t even look like him. Sure, the eyes were similar, and Baylee thought he’d recognized the tiny scar on his father’s arm, but he couldn’t let himself believe that it was really him. The man had been skinny to the point where you could see the bones move under his skin, his face had been hollow and his eyes had lain deeply sunken in their sockets. He hadn’t smiled at him, like he’d always done no matter what. He hadn’t even known Baylee was there. His skin the same color as the sheets and his breathing coming in pained and labored gasps. It was absolutely horrible. Baylee was ashamed to admit he’d cried as soon as he saw the man. He hadn’t been expecting that, although Kevin had told him to be prepared, had explained what Dad would look like, Baylee had told himself that after all, it was still his Dad. And his Dad was awesome. Forever.

But that wasn’t his Dad. It couldn’t be. He hadn’t smiled at him. He couldn’t see him. Blind as a bat.

Baylee shivered and looked away. He’d spend about half an hour in the hallway to try calm himself and give himself the courage to go back. He’d wanted to cry, scream and run. But he went back. His Dad wouldn’t want him to cry, scream and run, so he went back.

But this wasn’t his Dad. It was an imposter. This was the tumour that had taken over. And Baylee hated that tumour with all his might. He’d always hated it. It was ruining everything. It had driven his mother away, and was destroying his father part by part, agonizingly slowly. Crushing him, defeating him and ultimately claiming his being. Baylee felt sick. He’d never thought it would get this bad. He’d thought that as long as Dad took his meds, he would get better, or at least not worse. Cause he’d been stable for a long while. The tumour didn’t go away, but it didn’t grow that much either. Sure, Dad was completely out of it sometimes and forgot people’s names (even Baylee’s once), but Baylee was okay with that. Dad didn’t do it on purpose, it was just what happened. Baylee had never thought that anything in the entire world could ever demolish his father like this. That anything could be this cruel, this unforgiving. Not to his Dad. Nothing could destroy his Dad, that’s what he’d believed.

And this wasn’t his Dad. His Dad bounced around when he was happy, or nervous, or even when he was tired. His Dad made the same stupid jokes over and over again and seemed to enjoy it himself every single time. His Dad smiled at Baylee whenever he saw him, unless he was pissed at him for leaving his socks in the living room.

His Dad would always tell him everything was going to be alright, even when it clearly wasn’t. Baylee felt his lower lip start to quiver against his will when he thought about the possibility that his father might not bounce around again, that he wouldn’t make any of his stupid jokes again. How Baylee longed to hear those from him one more time. But the worst thing, the very, very worst thing, was that Dad might never smile at him again. That he would never say that it was going to be alright again.

“Dad?” Baylee suddenly broke through the solemn silence in the suffocating room. He couldn’t take it. He couldn’t. He wanted his father back. Not this man that everyone kept referring to as his father. He wanted his father to see him, to talk to him, to smile at him and sing. Sing like only he could. Sing him awake, awake from this bad dream that seemed to go on forever and ever. Maybe, if he closed his eyes real tight, maybe then he would really wake up. And Dad would be there.

Dad would smile and sing and they’d be happy and Baylee would never leave his socks or shoes or any other piece of clothing on the living room floor. He would make his bed and clean his room and walk the dogs. He would help mom with dinner and Dad in the backyard. He would try to not fail math and he would actually do his best on his assignments. He would forgive Mom for cheating and they would all go on like nothing bad had ever happened. He would just forget about this small, shaking man in the large hospital bed. It hadn’t happened, surely. It was all a big joke.

Because this wasn’t his Dad. He didn’t even react when Baylee had called him. Baylee felt the sobs coming back and started to panic. Kevin’s large and heavy hand landed on his narrow shoulder and he noticed Kevin was shaking as well. Still, his father’s cousin forced a tiny smile on his lips as he looked at him. “It’s alright, Baylee,” he said and Baylee glared at him.

Kevin was not allowed to say that. Those were his Dad’s words. “You can talk to him. He’ll appreciate that.”
Reluctantly, Baylee turned his eyes back to the man on the bed. He had stopped shaking and his eyes were closed. Looking back at Kevin, who gave him a quiet nod of his head, he swallowed nervously, shuffling closer to the man on the bed.


January 2008.

“Daddy, look out!” Baylee cried out as he came thundering down the hill on his stepping scooter, fast approaching his father’s legs and not seeing a way to avoid collision. Dad turned around and jumped away in record speed.

“Baylee!” Mom yelled in an accusing voice from the sideway.

Baylee put his hands on the brakes and turned around with large eyes, trying to see if Dad would be mad as well. Dad was sitting on the pavement with his hands behind him and Baylee could see the bloody palms from where he’d fallen on them. He cowered a little, contemplating if he should run over and apologize or stay safely away and avoid confrontation. He’d made his dad fall and scrape his hand and he was deeply sorry for that. He abandoned the stupid scooter immediately, letting it fall gracelessly on the stones and went over to his father.

“I’m sorry!” he cried, his feet thundering over the ground as he reached his father. His mother scowled him thoroughly as his Dad got to his feet with a groan.

“You should have a siren on that thing,” Dad mumbled, rubbing his wounded hand off on his pants. “You could kill someone.”

“I’m sorry,” Baylee said again, feeling a sob invade his throat as he looked fearfully at the damage done.

“It’s alright,” Dad said with a smile, fishing Baylee up off the ground and throwing him in the air. “I’m superdad!”

“Yay!” Baylee cheered, the fear already forgotten. He loved it when Dad picked him up and caught him like this. He’d always catch him.

“Wow, you are getting far too big for this nonsense,” Dad mumbled when he set him back on the ground.

“Again?” Baylee asked, his eyes large and pleading.

“No,” Dad shook his head. “Come on, pick up that scooter. We’re going home.”


January 2016

Baylee wished they could just go home as he bit his lip. All of them could just go home and it would be fine. “Dad?” he whispered, not knowing what else to say. What could he ever say in a moment like this? What could he ever say to this person that looked slightly like his Dad, but couldn’t be him in any way?

He swallowed thickly and closed his eyes, wondering that if he’d talk to him, his Dad would open his eyes and look at him and see him. If his Dad would know his name or even recognize him. If his Dad, who had always been his Dad, would smile at him and hug him and say it was going to be alright.

But Baylee didn’t know what to say. How could he even? How could any words ever come out of his mouth? He was afraid he would break his father with any spoken word.

It would hurt him. Everything would hurt him at this point. And Baylee couldn’t do that. He couldn’t speak, even if Kevin said he could. He didn’t know what to say. Yet, somehow, deep down, he knew the words exactly. And they seemed to roll out of his mouth on their own accord, like they weren’t really his to begin with.

“I love you, Dad. It’s gonna be alright.”
61. Fixing It by freedomwriter
Author's Notes:
Don't mind me, I'll be in the corner, thinking about what I did.
January 2016

Nick had never felt so defeated as he did now.

And a gut feeling told him that the entire thing was his fault. And his gut was right, he knew. Brian lay still, for now and Nick watched him like a hawk. His friend had been having seizures almost every 90 minutes or so and Nick was more than ready to jump back into action when Brian would start shaking again. It was hell, for both of them. Nick hadn’t really slept in almost a week now, but he knew it was his entire fault.

He’d told Brian, no, he even convinced him to do the treatment. It hadn’t been up to him to make that call, but he’d done it anyway.

And now Brian had to suffer through it.

Nick took a deep, shaky breath and gripped his friend’s even tighter, wondering if Brian would notice it, wondering if Brian even noticed anything anymore these days. All that was left was a cruel form of life. Not something Nick would wish upon anyone, ever. And he had to watch, he couldn’t look away. He had put his friend in this situation, it was all his fault. But still...

“I’m fixing the lake, Brian,” he whispered, not expecting a reaction from his friend and not receiving one. “It’s coming along quite nicely, actually. I went there yesterday for a few hours. You know, when Baylee and Kev were here to keep you company instead? I was at the lake, Brian. It’s getting clean again. I promise I’ll have it fixed really soon. It’ll get clean water and we’re building a nice little dock so people can take out their little boats over the water. Just little ones, Bri. The lake is not big or deep enough for larger boats. That’s alright though, it looks really cute so far. We got rid of all the algae in there, because yuck. It smells a lot better already and it looks a lot fresher too. When it’s done, I’ll show you. You wouldn’t be able to recognize it. We could have people have swimming lessons in there again. We might make it a public pool of sorts, but then, you know, in a lake. It’ll totally need a new name, though. I don’t even remember what it was called before, do you?”

Nick bit his lip, tears falling slowly from his eyes and rolling lazily over his cheeks. He didn’t mind. The last few weeks had destroyed him emotionally, but it was the cost he had to pay. He absently rubbed his thumb over Brian’s bony hand, trying to bring back some life in those cold fingers. “The lake is getting cleaned up again, Bri. I’m bringing it back. It’s getting better. And so are you,” he grunted, clenching his teeth as he swallowed the lump in his throat unsuccessfully. “The tumour shrunk, Bri. It worked. Well, sort of.” Nick looked at the crispy white sheets of the bed. Yes, the chemos had shrunk the tumour, that much was finally clear, but they had also destroyed everything else. Sometimes, when Nick came into this room, he thought he was in the wrong place, because he didn’t recognize his friend. Sometimes, when he walked in, he was sure for a fleeting second that Brian wasn’t breathing. Sometimes, when he came in, Nick thought that Brian had died. Those were the moments that shook him to the very core; that hurt so much that it was like being stabbed in the gut with thousands of knives.

Those were the moments that Nick knew that it was too late, that it appeared that there was no way of saving his friend anymore. That after everything they’d been through, this would be the end.

But Brian lived.

He lived. Barely. But he did. Nick wasn’t sure what was keeping him here, but as long as Brian kept breathing, Nick would stay here. The outside world didn’t seem to exist anymore, except for maybe the resurrected lake project. Nick focused his attention on it as best as he could, and had been pleasantly surprised to find out it didn’t really take that much money to clean up the area of the lake, it was just that nobody had ever bothered to do it before. And he would make sure it was squeaky clean once it was done. The towns people had no idea what he was up to, or what was happening at the lake, or why somebody even bothered to revitalize it, but Nick knew he was doing the right thing.

And maybe, just maybe, if he kept working on the lake and made it the best thing it could be, Brian would continue to live. Brian would live, and the horrible seizures would stop and the pain would disappear and he would recover fully. And Nick would be there to see it happen. He would cheer and feel so relieved. He would drag Brian to the lake and show him the work he’d accomplished there. He would buy a tiny little motorboat and they would go and fish on the lake. They would be happy and they would tell jokes and laugh hysterically and all the people that saw them on that lake would smile at them, not knowing the cause of their happiness, but being glad for them all the same.

And then, after a good full year, or maybe two, as long as was needed, of recovery, Brian could maybe rejoin the group. And they would write songs together again and sing them and record them and put them on their albums. And maybe they could tour again and make their fans happy and leave all of this crap behind them.

Brian could share the story of his fight, or not, if he didn’t want to, Nick didn’t mind. And his hair would grow back, and Baylee would have his father back and Leighanne would never cheat again.

Nick couldn’t help the smile on his face as he imagined it. If he could fix that lake on time, Brian would be fine. Yes. That was it. That was the solution. It had to be. He gasped slightly when he felt Brian move underneath him. His body was stiffening and his head was thrown back, his back arching up off the mattress, a strangled moan escaping his mouth. Before Nick could do something, Brian was shaking violently and Nick knew the convulsions would soon be starting. He’d seen the seizures many times before now, even though they hadn’t really started to come up until a week ago. Each of them had looked absolutely horrible and Nick didn’t waste any time before turning his friend on his side and holding him there. Brian’s eyes were wide open, rolling in their sockets, unseeing. But still, it looked as if he was throwing Nick desperate and hopeless glances. As if begging him to do something, to stop this madness. To stop it all. To get him out. And then Nick knew. He knew and felt his heart sink, his fragile hope crushed with the one, crystal clear realisation on his mind. He felt like throwing up, barely noticing the nurses as they held Brian down and administered the drugs directly into his arm.

“I’m not scared of dying, Nick. I’m scared of dying in here.”

He remembered the words spoken by his friend two months ago. The words were ringing through his head, clear as a bell. Was that it? Was that the only thing keeping Brian alive right now? Fear? Would Brian stay alive as long as he was here, not getting better, but rather remaining in this horrifying state of agony and despair? And although Nick didn’t really believe that, although he told himself that Brian stayed alive because he wanted to fight, somehow he knew that the only thing that would wait for them in the hospital here was death.

He felt Brian starting to calm down again underneath his arms as the drugs finally took their effect. It wouldn’t be for long. Brian’s eyes were still rolling and he was breathing with a lot of effort, the air rasping through his lungs as Nick took a hold of him and pressed him against him. Brian was panting against his chest and Nick could almost feel the pain with every breath his older friend took. He rubbed calm, soothing circles on his back, his fingers soon getting damp from Brian’s sweat. He started to hum softly, his voice breaking on every single part, but he continued, feeling his friend slowly still against him, his head lolling into the crook of Nick’s neck. It wasn’t a sad song, or anything, it wasn’t even really a song, just some tones his mind made up at the spot. Mesmerized, Nick watched his fingers move over Brian’s unmoving back, which was odd, he realized. A dark, unidentifiable feeling slowly grew deep within him, but Nick continued what he was doing, the tones flowing from him freely, getting louder as he lost control over his sobs, feeling his shoulders shake and soon his whole body joining in as the realisation that he couldn’t feel Brian’s short breaths against his neck anymore finally broke through.

A strange, unfamiliar sound filled the room and only much and much later did Nick realize that it was him that was making the noise. It wasn’t really a scream, it’s wasn’t really a cry either. It was some sort of anguished wail that left him over and over again as he held Brian in his arms, not believing that he would ever let him go. The world could fall down around him and he’d still hold his grip on his friend’s still body.

That’s how Harold found them. Nick sitting half on the bed with Brian’s lifeless form in his arms, rocking back and forth, mad with grief and it didn’t matter what he tried, Harold could not get him to let go of his brother. It took a whole team of nurses and doctors to drag Nick off of the bed and Harry felt the blood curling cries of the youngest Backstreet Boy carve through the suffocating room. Brian lay on the bed, pale and completely motionless and Harry knew immediately.
62. Don't Say It by freedomwriter
January 2016

Baylee didn’t dare to move. He didn’t think he’d moved in over thirty minutes. He had the strange urge to laugh and cry at the same time. When Uncle Harry and Nick had come home, he’d immediately sensed something was terribly wrong. Because if Harry and Nick were both home, that would mean Dad was all alone. And that didn’t make sense, because they always made sure at least one would remain at the hospital at all possible times. Sometimes Mom would stay there for the night, sometimes grandma and grandpa, usually Nick and Harry though. And now they were both home. And it didn’t make sense. It had to make sense.

Baylee hadn’t said anything as he was the first to meet them at the door. Their faces were unbelievably sad and Baylee had gotten that gnawing feeling inside his stomach that you get when you fear something is wrong, but are too afraid to ask. They looked at him, their eyes full of sorrow and their shoulders low with defeat. And Baylee knew exactly what was wrong, but as long as they didn’t say it, it wouldn’t be true. So he didn’t ask, he just stared back at them, expressionless. They’d looked at one another for almost five long minutes until Mom and Grandma appeared behind Baylee, doubtlessly also seeing the looks of sorrow and defeat in the eyes of the two men.

Baylee had felt a shiver run through his entire body when Mom had screamed, her hands flying up to her mouth as she began to cry immediately. Harry had gone over to her, but Nick’s eyes remained locked with Baylee’s. He felt Grandma squeezing his shoulder, her hand shaking as she pulled him into a hug. Baylee didn’t hug her back, but remained frozen in her arms, still looking at Nick. Nick hadn’t said it yet, and as long as he hadn’t, Baylee wouldn’t believe it. A dull ache started to form in his chest and he tried to remind himself how to breathe. He saw Nick looking away for a second, and when the singer looked back up, he shook his head softly.

“No!” Baylee yelled suddenly; panic enveloping him from all sides. Without thinking, he turned away from his grandmother and bolted up the stairs. And now he lay on the bed, on top of the blankets, fully dressed and unmoving, listening to his dog, scratching at the door to let her in. He didn’t dare moving though. He felt a coldness deep within him that had nothing to do with the coldness in the room. He bit his lip, curling his fingers a little tighter around his rabbit, which was still called rabbit from the time he was three. He wasn’t crying though; he couldn’t cry for some reason.

The only thing he could do was stare blankly into the room, noting somewhere in the back of his mind that this was his father’s old bedroom from when he’d been a kid.

Baylee squeezed his eyes shut, trying to drown out the puppy’s whines from outside the door as he pressed the rabbit against his face. “Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up,” he told himself, letting go of the rabbit and pressing his hands into his eyes. He gasped for breath, his nails digging into the palms of his hands. It hurt.

It wasn’t a dream.

“No...” a long dragged whimper came from his mouth.

This couldn’t be it. He’d dreaded this moment for so long. He’d tried to ban it from his mind, but had always known somehow that it would be inevitable.

But not now. He wasn’t ready.

With his heart beating in his throat, he whimpered again and the dog stopped scratching. Someone was coming up the stairs and Baylee felt the coldness within him grow. He drew a shaky breath when he heard the knock on his door.

“Go away,” he said and winced at the pathetic sound of his voice.

“Baylee, can I come in?” Nick’s voice was muffled by the door and by sadness. Baylee supposed he hadn’t heard what he’d said earlier.

“I said: go away!” he said, louder this time.

“Bay,” Nick hesitated and it was silent for a few seconds, “Listen, I totally understand if you want to be alone right now for a while, but just let me know if you’re okay.”

Okay? Baylee felt a sudden flash of anger rushing through him. Nick wanted to know if he was okay? How would he feel if he were Baylee? Oh right. Nick hated his own father. Nick would never know how Baylee felt.

“I’m not okay!” he yelled, “Now go away!”

Sure enough, the door opened and Nick and the dog both got into the room. And then the tears got in too. Baylee felt himself begin to sob and couldn’t stop.

Nick went to sit next to him on the bed, his hand hovering over the shaking boy awkwardly. “Bay, I’m so sorry.”

Baylee tried to keep still. Nick didn’t have to say it.

He could just not say it. He didn’t have to make it true. But still, Baylee had to know, “He’s gone, isn’t he?”

Nick’s hand finally came down on Baylee’s trembling back and Baylee watched him nod slowly and felt every little piece that held him together shatter. With a loud cry, he crashed into Nick’s chest and let himself be overtaken by wave after wave of tears. Nick held him tightly, his own tears streaming down his face, and didn’t say anything. Baylee was unsure of how long it took to regain control over himself, but when he did, he unattached himself from Nick and sat back, wrapping his arms around his knees and flinging the rabbit up into his lap. He didn’t care that Nick saw that he still had the stuffed toy, even though he was thirteen.

He didn’t care about the occasional sobs that still wrecked through him every other second. He didn’t care about his dog’s anxious whines on the ground. “W-when?” he asked.

“He passed away about four hours ago,” Nick told him after a few seconds, his voice barely louder than a whisper.

“W-were... were you there?” Baylee looked up at him, his eyes shiny and bloodshot.

Nick nodded tightly, “Yeah.”

“So he wasn’t alone?” Baylee pressed.

“No.”

“Was Uncle Harry there too?”

Nick shook his head, “No. It was just the two of us.”

“D-did... did he...” Baylee bit down on his lip, trying to formulate a sentence in his jumbled thoughts, “was he in pain?”

Nick’s jaw clenched when he shook his head, “I don’t think so.”

Baylee wasn’t sure if he believed him, but wasn’t about to say that. He nodded slightly and returned his stare to the opposite wall of his father’s old bedroom. “Did he say anything? Did he know you were there?”

“Baylee...” Nick’s voice shook.

“So he did die alone then.”

“No, he didn’t. I was... I was holding him when he died. He just... he just went to sleep.”

“Really?”

Baylee saw Nick’s throat working and knew that he was reliving every single moment. “Yeah, really.”

“I love him,” Baylee muttered, letting go of another sob, “I love him. He has to know that.”

“He does. He knows that, Bay. He always knows that.”

Baylee shivered in the cold room, “It just hurts so much.”

“I know. I feel it too. We all feel that.”

“I don’t think I can breathe.”



June 2016

Nick was startled when the church doors opened again suddenly. He’d been impatiently waiting here for the ceremony to start. Lauren was nowhere to be found yet and AJ was extremely late. He squinted at the entrance, watching AJ finally stroll in and rolled his eyes. AJ spread out his arms dramatically and raised his voice “There will not be a wedding here,” he announced, his voice resounding through the large church.

A low mumble of confusion drifted through the crowd and AJ watched them all, grinning brightly. Nick stalked over to him, absolutely livid. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

AJ turned towards him, his grin spreading even wider, “Your princess is in another castle, dawg,” he drawled.

“What?”

AJ ignored him as he turned towards the crowd of guests again, “The bride finds herself at Brian’s lake,” he called into the group of people, “She’ll be pleased to meet all of you there.”

Nick gasped, “You did this!”

“Well, technically it was Baylee and Lauren, I’m just the humble messenger,” AJ smirked, taking him by the arm and dragging him out of the church’ doors. “Come on, you’ll love it. They’ve made the place look absolutely stunning.”
63. Blink by freedomwriter

February 2016


It was unusually warm for the time of the year. It was one of the only things AJ really noticed. The people were almost all dressed in a dark blue colour and still the thought that the funeral had a dress code specifically pointing out blue and forbidding black, seemed funny to AJ. He therefore assumed it had been Brian’s own idea. The notion that Brian had taken the time and effort to think about his own funeral was nauseating though, so AJ pushed the thought out of his mind. Still, he couldn’t hear a word the reverend said.

In fact, he hadn’t really heard a word of what anyone said these last few days.

The news had come as a shock, and he knew it shouldn’t have, but it had. He’d visited Brian in the hospital twice in the last month and the second time it had been very clear that his friend was going downhill fast. Yet still, AJ had never believed that it would have been the last time he’d ever see Brian. He still couldn’t believe it, and it had been a week. AJ had cried and screamed and had demolished the entire living room after Brian’s dad had called. And after that, he’d turned numb. He refused to let his mind wonder about what it meant. He refused to acknowledge the fact that now everything had changed. He remembered his wife’s concerned face when he’d broken down, but hadn’t been able to tell her what was going on. It had felt as bad as the time he’d heard his grandmother had died.

No.

Worse.

Granny had been 85; Brian was 40. Nobody should die when they were 40. And nobody should ever die the way Brian had. Drained slowly of all life, left blind and scared in a hospital bed. AJ tried to stop them, but the dark thoughts found their way into his mind regardless. He wondered if Brian had been able to experience his last moments, or if the real Brian had already been long gone. The second time AJ had visited, there had only been a brief moment of recognition, but it had been enough. He remembered the begging eyes, the pain he saw there, the longing for an end.

He felt sick.

He looked up when everybody suddenly stood. Apparently it was time to go outside. The morning was still early, but the air was warmer than you would imagine in February. The crowd wasn’t particularly large; only close friends and family. It was very intimate and somehow, AJ felt like an outsider. There was so much he’d still wanted Brian to know. So much left to say.

So many loose ends to tie up. It didn’t make sense. He felt like he didn’t belong here, that he needed to say goodbye properly before he attended the funeral.

But there was no more time.

AJ had been the one that had made the announcement on behalf of the Backstreet Boys. It had been the hardest thing he’d ever had to do. He remembered every single word of it and when he spoke them, it had felt like the end of an era. He remembered the shocked and tearstained faces of the few fans that had been present during the conference. They had had no idea what had really been going on and AJ had broke their hearts with every word. And yet, he hadn’t been able to say those final words out loud. He hadn’t. He couldn’t. It had been in the carefully laid out script he’d been given, but he couldn’t do it. And therefore, the phrase had been repeating inside his head over and over and over for the past few days. Our beloved friend, brother and bandmate passed away on January 30th 2016 at the age of 40 years.

He felt himself begin to shake and his wife’s reassuring hand on his arm as they walked towards the door, joining the line of blue people. AJ thought he caught a glimpse of Baylee’s head at the front of the queue and he had to give it to the boy; he was able to hold himself. AJ saw the resemblance with the boy’s father and a painful pang shot through his chest. He didn’t know if the pain would ever lessen and he didn’t know if he’d wanted it to. It hurt like hell, but it was supposed to. He averted his gaze when his friend was lowered into the ground. He couldn’t watch. What kind of person assumed he could just sit and watch? He squeezed his eyes closed, not stopping the tears that leaked out, and not trying to.

An ear piercing screech cut through the solemn air and AJ reopened his eyes to see Leighanne on her knees, head in hands and shoulders heaving. She was a widow now, AJ realized, and had the suspicion that she was realizing that now as well. The sounds that came from her were animalistic and primal and AJ felt like joining in, yet nobody else seemed to acknowledge the wailing woman next to the grave. AJ watched the restrained faces of the other people; Baylee’s barely repressed helplessness, Kevin’s silent tears, Howie’s broken expression, Brian’s parents, who were holding on to each other in silent grief, his brother Harold’s quiet sobs and Nicks vacant, lost gaze that stared into nothingness.

It was all damn depressing.

And AJ started to wonder: was this the funeral Brian would have wanted? A clear answer to that was no. Brian wanted them to sing, to throw flowers at him and remember the important things in life; the ones you loved and the suddenness with which you could lose them. And AJ had thrown flowers at his friend, and he did remember the ones he loved. But he’d refused to sing. So had the others. It hadn’t felt right then, but now he started to wonder why. Leighanne’s cries echoed over the cemetery and AJ shook his head and cleared his throat.

“I heard there was a secret chord,” he began, his voice broken and quiet and raspy and barely audible over the widow’s distress. AJ paused, trying to rake up the courage to continue with a louder, stronger voice, but knowing he would fail miserably. He cleared his throat again, trying to ignore the sobs that threatened to take him over and drown him for good, “That David played and it pleased the Lord...”

A few heads slowly turned his way, but AJ kept his gaze forward, “But you don’t really care for music, do you?”

He swallowed, trying to control his breathing, like years of vocal training had taught him to. He bit his lip hard enough to draw blood, but didn’t mind, “It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth, the minor falls and the major lifts...” He stopped, choking on the last word, his shoulders shocking and his wife’s arms encircling him as she guided his head to her chest. AJ closed his eyes and cried, suddenly unable to stop.

“The baffled King composing Hallelujah,” another voice picked up the melody and AJ looked up slightly to see Howie’s tense, determined face as he continued the song. “Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah.”

His voice was high and surprisingly clear, given the situation. The utmost concentration that Howie expressed while singing was astonishing and soon enough, AJ found himself joining back in.

“Your faith was strong, but you needed proof,” their voices blended and the harmonies were carried out instinctively. It sounded eery, yet beautiful, although AJ knew that they would be shunned off a stage immediately for sounding so wrecked and quiet.

Leighanne had silenced and the cemetery was now completely silent, apart from their voices. “You saw her bathing on a roof, her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you.” Brian had wanted music, he’d wanted love. As AJ continued the song, it seemed to flow on its own, like he’d only needed to open his mouth for the words to roll out. He looked straight at Howie and saw the other man felt the same way.

“She tied you to her kitchen chair; she broke your throne and cut your hair,” For a moment, AJ had to close his eyes to keep singing, to drown out everything that was going on, “And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah.” He was surprised to suddenly hear Kevin join in and even though the older man’s voice was a mess, Kevin still took the lower harmony faultlessly and sang along. “Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah.” The three voices resounded through the trees and the hairs on AJ’s neck were standing straight up, and he let the haunting melody flow through him. By the start of the third verse, Nick was finally joining as well, although his voice was barely more than a mumbled whisper, “You say I took the name in vain, I don’t even know the name.” AJ nodded to himself, closing his eyes again; this felt right. This was exactly what Brian had meant. It didn’t have to sound on point, the emotion and perception far out ruled any technical failures. “But if I did, well really, what’s it to you?” AJ let his gaze wander over the cemetery, through the trees. It was still completely silent; no wind rustling, no cars rushing, just this one solemn moment in time that AJ would remember forever. “There’s a blaze of light in every word, it doesn’t matter which you’ve heard. The holy or the broken Hallelujah.”

And then he couldn’t. AJ wasn’t exactly sure what suddenly went wrong, but he couldn’t sing another word.

The others went on, while he stood frozen, realising that the harmony was missing a crucial part and that the spot would never be filled again. That they would never sing as five again. Never. A strange, strangled sound escaped him and he let himself collapse against his wife. Unprepared, they both sank to the ground. AJ tried to shut it all out, the voices of the other men wavering and failing now. It wasn’t right. They needed to be five; it was the only thing that had made sense for so long. He let out a strangled, panicked cry and felt the arms around him tighten. Rochelle wouldn’t let him go, she wouldn’t let him come undone completely, even if that was what was needed. She’d hold on to him, while he shook and cried.

And then, there he was. As AJ looked up, he saw him. About thirty feet away, under that thick, bare tree. The sun shone down on his hair, seemingly giving his entire appearance a kind of golden glow. AJ looked at him, amazed. The figure didn’t move and when AJ blinked, he was gone.
This story archived at http://absolutechaos.net/viewstory.php?sid=11064