Wow...Here I am, a year older as of yesterday, lying on the couch in between bags of Lay's and Tostitos , feet are resting on a 6 pack of Bud Light. My friend Emily left 5 minutes ago. She said she'd help me cleanning the mess..Funny, I dont see her around. But that’s ok, I was not really expecting her to. I don’t have super good friends, just people I hang out with. Plus, I don’t need a best friend. Seriously. I am fine.

Before I forget, my name is Melissa. I live with my parents, Claire and Thomas Sr. in Cheektowaga, a few miles north of Buffalo, NY. I’m 20 and about to finish my first year of Med School. What can I say, I’m bright. No, really. I am. I also love sarcasm and irony…

That morning, my mom came in the pool house with a concerned look on her face. She tsk tsk-ed a few times and started picking up a few bottle caps scattered around on the floor and in my plants. She knew I had a party the night before but being the responsible grown up that I am, I declined her help (read: my parents’ housekeeper’s help). I could handle it. Might take a week or two to clean up, but still. I could do it.

«Nah, i'll be fine mom. I just need to get off that really comfy couch and I’ll be just fine. Really. Don’t touch anything», I said, looking at her, not moving. «Alright then. Let me know if you want to have dinner with me and your father ok? » Not happening, I thought.
« Alright, i'll give you a call, thanks Mom».

My parents have been married for 24 years. My dad is retired now. He spends most of his time showing the world to my mom. My dad used to travel a lot for work, and now that he's retired, he can take my mom to his fave spots. Cool. My parents are still relatively young..But sometimes they think they are still in their 20's. 8 months ago, my parents told me they were going away for the weekend. So I thought, cool, they’re probably going to Boston or something..So me and Jeff, this guy I know decided to go to WoodStock 99 in Rome, NY. My parents weren't too thrilled about me going, because I am their only child and all, so they suggested that I throw a big party and get the show on Pay Per View. In other words, they didn't want me there.

But the minute they pulled out of the driveway, I called Jeff , we packed and left. To erase any suspicions, I transfered my land line on my cell phone. On Friday afternoon, Jeff and I were walking around while Serial Joe, some band, was playing and we got ourselves a couple beers (Jeff is 22). Jeff wanted to get a tattoo and we went to this tent , where you could get fake tattoos done and who was sitting in the 'body painting' chair right next to us? MY MOM! My dad was barely recognizable. He had just been Body painted. OH god..I was so embarrassed. My parents didn't yell at me, I grabbed Jeff by the arm and decided to head back home. Wow. Not in a million years would I ever think my parents would go to Woodstock..Half naked. OH god...

I live in my parents’ pool house. They had it built 5 years ago but never used it to its full potential. My mom thought it would be perfect for me to learn how to budget and learn how to pay rent. I changed it couple times, moved the furniture around, turned it upside down, removed the hard wood floors and got nice carpeting instead.We get cold winters here.I love walking around the house barefoot. And I love the feeling of the rug getting in between my toes. I even bought a hammock. I thought it would look neat next to the patio doors. I tried sleeping on it once, last summer, while my parents were sunbathing in the backyard right by the pool...And just to let you know, I am going to the doctor's office in an hour. He's going to remove the cast off my leg.So, the hammock is nicely set up by the door, and looking pretty. I'm never, you hear me, never going on that thing ever again.

School...Hmmm..I can’t wait to be done..6 more years and SEE YA. I want to be a doctor. I wanted to become a lawyer but nah. I really love helping people and finding whatever is wrong with them. So far, not to many dissections. I hate having to find a tumor in an old man's dead body. It's gross. I don’t want to be surgeon! But it's part of my studies. They say that's how people find out if that's the kind of job they want. Because if you can’t stand seeing someone sick or injured, then you're not made for that kind of career. If I have made it this far, I know I can do it.It’s my first year but I can do it.


God, It feels so nice to finally being able to walk without crutches! It was kinda awkward, you know, being a med school student and having to walk with a cast on my leg. Well, not anymore! I am sooooo going shopping tomorrow night! I haven’t done that in a while. I've never been a shop-aholic, I've almost always hated malls, but I don’t have anything new to wear and being unable to go shopping for a few weeks really made me realised how much I missed it.

« So, what do you wanna get?» Jeff always volunteered to take me shopping. Or to the movies. Or the grocery store. Or…«I don't know. There are so many new things that I wanna get. And I really need new undies», I told him. «Well, if you don’t mind, while you shop for undies, I’ll go get something cold to drink», he added. «Yeah, sure. I'll meet up with you in 30 minutes in front of The Gap». I was not stupid. I knew Jeff liked me. Told me a few times, after a few drinks that is. I didn’t like him that way but he was always a great friend when I needed someone to talk to or take me out.

On my way to Victoria's Secret, I saw Emily. Remember her?
« Hey! Emily! what are you doing here? »

Emily, surprised, said «I should be the one asking you that question ! Wow. You’re bipedal again! That’s great. I’m sad thought, I didn't have time to sign my name on your cast! »

«Em, you had 7 weeks to autograph my cast…»

« Right...I guess it wasn't meant to be» Emily added.

«Yeah if you say so. So, are you here by yourself Emily?»

« Yeah I am. I need to get my mom a present. She's picking me up in 5 and I haven’t found anything. Listen, I am sorry for yesterday, I said I’d help you cleaning the mess we left behind...Hey are you here alone?

« Nevermind the mess..No, I'm here with Jeff. Your Jeff.»

Emily liked Jeff a whole lot, but Jeff wasn’t into girls that were too obvious, if you get what I’m saying.

« Hey! Not funny Melissa. So what, he happens to be my kind of guy and my friend's guy friend! Why aren't you in love with him. Everybody around here seem to be! Dark blonde hair, green eyes. Hello? Any one in that big head of yours! »

« Yeah, you said it yourself, your kinda guy, not mine! Anyways, you should be going. I’m supposed to be waiting for Jeff in front of the Gap, so see ya». Emily looked one last time over my shoulder but Jeff was nowhere in sight.

-----------

It was almost 9pm and the stores were about to close. Couple of more minutes and the parking lot would be empty. Jeff and I were sitting on a bench, feasting on Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia ice cream.

«Not enough cherries», I said.

« Hey Melee, see that girl standing right next to your car there? What does she think she's doing? She just got out of the car with her brother or boyfriend and they're walking towards the mall..Want me to yell 'its closed"?

« Nah, let them be. They're probably out-of- towners from down south».
« Hmm...The girl is kinda cute..»

«Jeff!» I said, slapping his right shoulder.

The tall guy with the girl came towards me with a puzzled look on his face and asked «excuse me, huh why are the door locked?«

Jeff was faster to reply, while I sat there, looking at that familiar face. « Well, maybe because the mall is closed! Its 9pm buddy! »

« Ok, no need to be rude here dude. I ain't from here you know! C'mon babe, let's go. Thanks anyway

«Well, shit…» I said, looking at him. Couldn’t be. Not here, not again. A year or so later? No fucking way.

«Excuse me? Do I know you?» he paused for a few seconds, studied my face as I stood up, gave me one hell of a once over and came closer.

«Melanie?» he said.

«Melissa. It’s…Melissa». I couldn’t look him in the eye. Shit.

« Woa...huh, how...h-h-how are you? What are you doing here? Wait, no. You live here. Well, fuck! Can’t believe this. I’m here for promotion but I’ve got 2 days off. Stores close at 10pm in Florida, so I thought…»

Jeff leaned down and whispered «that’s that blonde Bckstreet Guy, right?» to which I nodded a quick (and shameful) «yeah».

Jeff glanced at me and Nick and asked «you two know each other? »

«Yeah, kinda..sorta...Yes». Great. Just. Great.

«How? He’s not in your class is he?»

I then proceeded to explain that I met Nick when they visited The View in July 1998. What I didn’t tell Jeff is that I was an intern for the summer, I thought I wanted to become a stylist. For 2 months, I worked as Star Jones' 2nd assistant and helped her pick out jewelry before every single show. That particular morning of July 1998, I met Nick. I was too busy handling rhinestones to notice Nick was following me backstage. He introduced himself, rolled up his sleeves ( why would anyone wear a long sleeved black sweater in the middle of July?) and asked me if I was from NYC, to which I laughed, spat out coffee and said ‘no’.

He was clumsy yet cute. I was not into their music all that much and I had Star’s jewelry to pick out so I didn’t think twice about him. That night, I ended up backstage at the Radio City Music Hall. Star Jones 1st assistant had gotten passes but couldn’t go. I went instead. At the end of the concert, we chatted a bit and he asked for my digits (hell NO!) We then met again 2 weeks later. My internship was over and I was back home. Then, they had a concert in Buffalo and I volunteered to help my aunt because her company was catering the crew. Met Nick, he remembered me, accused me of stalking him (as a joke) and chatted over scrumptious and luscious red velvet cake. We stayed in after the concert for Powerades, how glamourous. His band mates left and being from the area, I offered him a ride. I got in the driver’s seat, drove to his hotel. He couldn’t get a hold of his bodyguard and there were tons of fans outside his hotel and from there, here’s how it went: I drove home, we had rum and coke shots (without the coke…) chatted, laughed, made out, fondled, grabbed, touched and fucked (twice…). Can’t put it past me nor forget about him: a pin from my bulletin board had made its way onto the floor and dug its way into my left knee. The pastic part broke and the tiny metal needle sank deep in my kneecap. Oh, how did I apply that much pressure onto my knees you ask? None of your business…But I’m sure you get the picture. Let’s just say for an 18 year old boy, he sure knew what he was doing. But anyway, back to the story.

«So uh, yeah. How have you been?»

«I’ve been good. You know, school. You?» What was I supposed to say, that I got tested twice for STDs since our hook up because I didn’t trust his ‘I swear, Im clean’ claim?

« You know, work. Backstreet’s back so,…» He had the most devilish grin on his face. His girlfriend/friend was growing impatient, judging by the ticking of her fingernails on her red patent leather purse. «Your hair is longer. I like it. »

« Yeah well, thanks, you've changed too. You look taller, your hair is shorter. Wow...(I paused) …sorry, I mean, I am still in shock here..I never thought I'd...I'd...you know... » I confessed.

Nick looked at Jeff who was still digging into his ice cream «So, huh...is that, your, huh, him, is he your, boy-boyfriend?

« Jeff? No, he's my friend..I am still, you know..not..i mean...Not…»

«…seeing anyone…?» Nick added. «Yeah» I told him feeling somewhat embarrassed.

«Oh...(putting his hands in his pockets..) So,.this is ...wow...awkward», To which I nodded and let out a faint ‘yeah’.

The girl next to Nick, who I assumed was his girlfriend, obviously bored informed us that it was getting late and that they had better go.

«Oh, right. Yeah, huh....Ok..So, huh,nice seeing you again Nick. Take care».

Nick came closer and went in for a cheek kiss but halfway there, he realised what he was about to do and stopped dead in his track. His girl grabbed his arm and they left. I was still staring at his back, dumfounded. Nick turned around and mouthed 'Millenium..call me' .

Da fuck? Ok…I’ll admit it, I smiled.

Jeff basketball-tossed his now empty ice cream cup into a nearby trashcan, shook his head and asked « What the fuck was that all about, Melissa?»

«Yo, Melee! Spill it, I don’t get what just happened here».

I couldn’t tell him. Not now, not ever. Jeff thought so highly of me, I couldn’t tell him about my sexcapade. He’s my ‘just in case I end up alone’ guy. We have this pact going on: by 30, if I’m still single, we will hook up and get married. Okay, we made this pact over a 1,5L of Chardonnay 2 years ago. Don’t know if I’ll go along with it, should I still be single by then.

Out of respect, I’ll have to keep this one night stand to myself.

«Well, huh,…see, last year I met him in New York City. We talked over huh,..lunch. Yeah. And we hit it off but you know, it’s not like he needed another friend or anything…» White lie.

« Oh ok..I see…SO you hooked up with him!» Jeff laughed.

«Jeff! You know me better than that! »

«Yeah, I know you'd never do that..I was just teasing you! C'mon let's go back home».

The walk from where we stood to the car seemed to have lasted an hour. Jeff wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed but he was not stupid either. He glanced at me a few times but I refused to make eye contact with him. Like a gentleman, he opened the passenger car door, gave me an unexpected hug from behind and whispered «10 more years». I nodded.

«You know, I’m seeing someone right now, but it’s nothing serious Melissa. Hopefully by the time you’re 30 we’ll both be single» he said, his deep green eyes never leaving mine. He was sort of handsome, I’ll give him that.

«Don’t wait for me Jay, 10 years is a lifetime. If it happens, it happens.»

His next move, I never saw coming. He lowered his head towards mine and gave me a solid kiss on the mouth. Okay, I might have given in and kissed him back, wrapping my arms around his 6’2’’ frame. Fuck. His tongue was warm, his mouth inviting, his blonde scruff gently scratching my cheeks. I sighed into the kiss and gave it my all; it felt good to be kissed. We stayed that way for a minute or two. Maybe three. Five?

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a white Pick Up leave the parking lot in reverse. Yeah, I knew who that was...
___

That night, I hooked up with Jeff. I shouldn’t have. I had a moment of weakness, I let myself go. What’s sad is that I enjoyed every minute of it. He was very sweet; made sure I had come twice before he even allowed me to pleasure him.

The next morning, I had my very first walk of shame. I walked from his house to my pool house (okay, we’re neighbors…). I felt like shit, let me put it that way; a bed sheet wrapped around my body, his sweater from Buffalo State, my flats and my clothes in my left hand. I clumsily made my way across the grass, being that it was my first few hours without the annoying cast. I went in, took a shower and unplugged my land line, you know, just in case.

--------

I took a quick nap and all thoughts of Jeff vanished at the sight of the Backstreet Boys’ Shape of My heart music video on MTV. Oh my gosh. After what happened last year, I never really gave it much thought. I thought he was gone for good. He was supposed to be out of my life. We agreed on that: we didn’t exchange digits, emails, ICQs, nothing. And i totally refused to let myself fall for him. Not that I like him or anything, but darn, he wasn't supposed to come back. Not tonight, not next month, never!

My second cup of coffee turned out to be too much; I felt sick. Sick to my stomach for what I had done.
I called Emily, gone to her mom’s surprise birthday party. I called my cousin Jennifer, no answer. What’s a girl to do when stuck in a messy situation with a guy? She reaches for her phonebook and calls someone out of the blue for no reason. Then, it felt like a brilliant idea. Now that I think about it, I don’t think I should have called him.

«Millenium Hotel Buffalo, this is Annaleigh speaking, how may I assist you?»

«Good morning, my name is Melissa and huh, I would like to speak with Nick Carter please?»

«Right. You do know we are not allowed to forward calls to Mr.Carter…».

«Oh, right. I’m sorry. He told me to call him today. Sorry about that. I should have known.» I was ready to hang up when she added «Hold on, what did you say your name was? »

«Melissa, Melissa Miller»

«We do have a forward authorisation for a Melanie here. Close enough. I’ll transfer you. You have a great day now Miss» she said and the line went dead. I waited and someone picked up. And that someone had a rather high pitched, feminine voice.

« Huh Hi, may I speak to Nickolas please? » I asked timidly.

«Who is this, laundry service?» the girl said.
I hesitated and thought ‘what the fuck?’ but went along with it «Yes. His card didn’t go through» I lied.
The girl then proceeded to put his hand to cover the receiver end of the phone and yelled «Nicky, your American Express is not going through downstairs!». I could hear Nick run to the phone.

«What? What’s wrong with my AmEx?» He exclaimed. I could imagine lines of wrinkles forming on his forehead.

«Nick? Hey,…It’s huh, … Melissa. You know, from the mall last night? And last year?»

«Oh hey! Thank God it’s not some jerk fooling around with my credit card. Hey, how are you?». Then he let out a faint ‘hey babe, I got this. Laundry’s being a bitch downstairs right now. You go right ahead, take a shower and we’ll finish our game after, K?’.

«Ok. I can talk now.» he said.

«Sorry, I shouldn’t have called you, you are obviously busy. I can call back at a better time» I informed him.

«No…Don’t, it’s good. I was afraid you were not going to. (he paused for a few seconds) Hey, Taylor is having a spa day here at the hotel and I thought maybe, you know, maybe we could get together later today for drinks…Hello?

«Huh, oh, I don’t know Nick - » he didn’t let me finish.

«I think I remember where you live, you can’t say no. Imagine if I were to show up…» He said. «I thought you said you were single. Single girls do not give tongue baths to random guys, tsk tsk» he added, laughter in his voice.

«I knew it was you in the white Pick Up truck,perving! And for the record, I am single. I got lonely, that’s all».I lied.

«Hey, whatever. So, about them drinks? Say, 2 pm at Buffalo Brewpub? My mom’s ex runs the place. It’s decent»

«You didn’t even ask if I was busy, working or if I had plans!» I questioned him.

«Do you?»

«No…So,…Okay then, I’ll meet you there. Don’t be late, I hate waiting» I heard him laugh, «I’m serious Nick! Don’t be late».

«I’ll be there. See you at 2. It’s a date» and he hung up on me.

The perks of being a girl…Make up, hair, clothes? Ugh! I knew it wasn’t a real date but I still felt the need to dress to impress. I wasn’t expecting anything out of this ‘not-a-date’ but you know. I grabbed a pair of dark jeans, a lacy tank top and my leather vest and let my long hair down. Mascara and lip gloss and I was ready to leave. I didn’t even bother to look at myself in the mirror; I knew my face had ‘just been fucked’ written all over and I didn’t need more shame…

As I was walking towards my car, thoughts of Jeff came back to haunt me. I sat in the driver’s seat and rested my head of the wheel for a few seconds. See, the night before, after we kissed, Jeff slid in the driver’s seat (my foot was too weak to drive) and he offered to take me to the mall, in my car. The fooling around started IN the car before we took it inside his parents’ house. There was this sweet Polo scent all over the car seats, Jeff’s manly perfume had impregnated my car. And to think I was on my way to meet another man. Great. What have I gotten myself into.

The car basically drove itself to the bar. Shania Twain’s latest hit was playing on the radio but I didn’t pay much attention to it. As I stood outside the bar, leaning against my Volvo, a familiar white Pick Up truck came into view. Nick parked his truck and joined me.

«See, I’m not late» he greeted me.

«Nice to see you to Nick». He caught me by surprise and grabbed me in a papa bear hug. «Let’s go inside, I need a drink». It then occurred to me that we were both underage. He must have read my concern because he then explained his mom’s ex runs the place and that he would let us drink without questioning. Besides, we were the only customers at this hour. I walked in before Nick and looked around; decent place indeed. Lovely wodden chairs and tables, plaid curtains, it looked decent all right. We were greeted by Ralph, Nick’s mom’s ex and he said he’d hook us up with ‘coupla brews and ribs’.

«Nick, I’m not even hungry» I said.

«Food in your stomach will have you stay longer. You can’t run away in front of a full plate o’ribs now, can you? ».

«Alright. So,…let’s sit and enjoy this then. How long have we got, an hour? Two?» I asked him.

«I can be yours ‘til tomorrow if you want me to. Taylor has my credit card, she won’t need me until it’s maxed out. It could take a few days!» I raised an eyebrow at him and he understood what I meant, «Taylor, my girlfriend» he added.

«Right.». A rather old looking waitress brought us two pints of orangish beers and coasters.

«I like your hair » he said, toying with his coaster. What an icebreaker.

«Thank you. You do know this is awkward, right? You know nothing about me so I can’t fill you in on stuff you missed. DO you even know my last name?» I asked.

«I know, I was just trying to be nice. And no, I don’t know your last name»


«Then, I propose a toast. Here’s to first names» I said, laughing. We both rose our glasses and took a sip.