Shadow-Chasers by delicate_creature
Summary: Even upon a strong heart comes with a faltering line between life and for death.

Nick had always loved his life, career and his brothers. But when the destruction of backstreet boys falls apart,the death of someone whom he loves and a downward spiral in his mind...he is left with a decision that could change it all.
Categories: Fanfiction > Backstreet Boys Characters: Group, Nick
Genres: Angst, Drama, Fantasy
Warnings: Death, Graphic Sexual Content, Graphic Violence, Sexual Assault/Rape
Challenges:
Series: None
Chapters: 12 Completed: No Word count: 19047 Read: 18255 Published: 02/21/15 Updated: 03/11/15

1. Prologue by delicate_creature

2. Chapter 1 Rememberence Tears by delicate_creature

3. Chapter 2 Deathly Confession by delicate_creature

4. Chapter 3 The Battle of Elsewhere by delicate_creature

5. Chapter 4 A Thousand Shades of Bone by delicate_creature

6. Chapter 5 Some Slips of Paradise by delicate_creature

7. Chapter 6 Pain Intolerance by delicate_creature

8. Chapter 7 Human Hunt by delicate_creature

9. Chapter 8 Exploited Ink by delicate_creature

10. Chapter 9 Restrain and Deterioate by delicate_creature

11. Chapter 10 The Dreaming Fever by delicate_creature

12. Chapter 11 Emerald Lace by delicate_creature

Prologue by delicate_creature

Within a tiring evening, the orange wings slip their day's bearing underneath an earth's rind. Slowly draining the once beautiful colors feathering an unbroken world. Lying still and just waiting for something to happen, he reopened those wounds like a thoughtless act of self-destruction.

He found himself in his dreary house, full off haunting memories and joy that was pronounced as he knew it. Gently thumbing the thick vodka bottle as if he yearns to quench in it's fine liquid...sorrow was near. Taking a small shot glass, he poured a generous amount as he gazed outside allowing the darkness to spite him further. And with a swift flick, he gulped down a burning pleasure.

The glimmer of silver shining so brightly, tinkering its sharp words.. ripping strange flesh...bloody tokens awarded down his arm. Tears undresses from his mind, quivering his lips as it was no longer the pain that ate him, it was more like a complete feeling he had always sought after her death...her death, he mumbled to himself when her name sneaks beneath him and endlessly cradles what little dream he had leftover.

She was gone and now he lingered so carefully, waiting for his turn when the night becomes shades of blueprints just mapping his place...where he could of been by now

Silence was very impatient, he then rests back, not even bothering to shut off the thick smoke of lights. Rubbing his old scars, raised and hinted with subtle bruise. he fights closing his eyes and staring at his bleak shadow as if someone was waiting for him there...

Chapter 1 Rememberence Tears by delicate_creature
" NICK!!!! Hurry up in there" growled AJ who had been waiting to shower for a half hour now.
" All right I'll be out in a second" Nick called, quickly shuffling the small pocket-knife back in his jeans, hints of his private war still gleaming in uneven lines along his wrist. He always wear long sleeves or sweatshirts to cover up the cuts and he was very good at his brothers not noticing it..yet.
That had always lingered in the back on his mind of the possibility on the other guys finding out on this. What if they shun him, or turn their backs on him. He deeply signed, the wrinkles on his forehead creased with anxiety as he thought over on this. They had been on tour for a couple weeks now. Months of just talking about it and not showing anything really drained their image, breeding crazy rumors and tireless words printed. But Nick was happy about it, although he would rather be at his house, drinking up the silence that fills his void off grief. He forgot on how much he had missed this kind of life.
As Nick opened the bathroom door he was startled to see AJ standing there with nothing but his towel on, glaring so angrily at him.
" Geez dude what took so long?" AJ inquired, shifting his head sideways studying his younger brother. Nick was not amused as he rolled his eyes.
" It's nothing man.." Nick trailed off, deciding to dispute on how he really felt. He didn't like to talk nor to feel about it. In that moment he felt a wispy breeze overtaken him, her name was still whispering on his lips.
" You know Nick, it has been 2 years..you can't have this bottled up inside you anymore.."
" I know but I just can't right now, I'm not ready for it."
" Ok man but if you ever need to talk, I am always here for you" AJ said, flickering his famous smile as Nick lightly giggles in response.
He remembered the familiar sounds of screaming fans, stage-lights blaring their sirens as if to tell them it was time. During the show it was all to great..wonderful..a beautiful reality. Dancing within their music, singing their hearts in all glory and no one knew he thought..not one person. As they were getting ready to sing "shape of my heart" Nick stopped and felt his heart drumming loudly in his chest. As the boys strum toward the front of the stage, Nick held back, a blurry memory now resurfacing and there was nothing he could do to retain it.

*Flashback*
" Happy birthday honey!!" Lauren exclaimed, carrying a thick-layered cake in white, blackened words scrawling Happy Birthday Nick perfectly. His smile was wide as a glittering ocean, he had never been in love like this before.
" wow babe you didn't have to go through all this." Nick said, throwing his arms around her waist, hooking his fingers there. She leaned up and they shared a long and lovely kiss, feeling their bodies pressed together as if they were the only ones in the world. Nick's hand brims her elegant panties, licking his lips when his hunger for her creeps upon him.
" I did it only for you." Lauren said, brushing his reddened cheeks, his smile still plastered. Nick blew out the candles and they carefully sliced the white chocolate cake. Savoring each bite like their only desires to indulge in fine sweetness.
When finished, Nick climbed on Lauren's body, dipping his lips onto hers, sucking in her scent..waiting to devour her.
" Lets go upstairs Lo" Nick quietly said, ribbons his hand over hers and pulling her up.
Once they reached the room, they started to roam across their bodies. Exploring each quilt of flesh, kissing deepens as Nick directs Lauren onto the bed. He started to peel off her clothes, throwing them willingly on the floor, not stopping to take a breath. And as he slide in, desperately thrusting inside her, grabbing her thighs and pushing in deeper and deeper. Lauren escaped a juicy moan, sweat dripping off Nick as his climax was reaching.
" Oh yea baby!" Nick exclaimed as he flushed his orgasm within her as he climax erupted as well. It didn't stop Nick from continue to thrust more, enjoying every part of this..of her. And when they were finished, collasping amongst each other, panting for some control as Nick wrapped his arms around Lauren and gave her a final kiss before slumber sets.
" I love you so much baby." he whispered pulling out and embraced her in his hold so lovingly.
" I love you too honey..forever.." she spoke smiling as they hide beneath an amazing beauty as they both fell asleep in the wild of night.
*End of flashback*








" Nick?" Howie said, looking concerned over at him and waving his hand over his face. He forgot he was on stage as the stadium grew eerily silent....again, he was sipping the joy of it. But Nick just cracked an enormous laugh, pretending it was some weird joke he came up with and continued to sing the rest of the song. The boys just glanced at each other in confusion and of pure worry...this was not the Nick they knew..not at all.
After the show, the boy headed back to the hotel, Nick walking unusually fast when Brian paced up toward him.
"Hey Frack..everything ok man?" he asked. Nick was growing tired of this hurtful ritual and even though he knows they care about him, he could not deal with it any longer.
" Yea...I'm fine." he said but obviously not convincing Brian enough.
" Okay." was all Brian could say as he headed for his room.
When Nick swiped his card and entered the teal room, flopping down on his newly laundered sheets, he grabs his bag and pulls out the photo he always carried around everywhere he goes. Once grazing the smiling faces, her billowing dress, his fancy tie.....the remembrance tears sprouted and he couldn't help himself but entwined in the fury of his own sorrow.
" I miss you so much" he stuttered, fingering over smooth glass, his heart reeling upon that day.....upon passionate vows spoken..first kiss as husband and wife. Nick sprawled on the bed, holding the picture close to him, breathing out loud to no one....wishing he could join her wherever her soul was hiding.
End Notes:
sorry! I usually write poetry so this is new to me..it will get better and more interesting..i promise!!
Chapter 2 Deathly Confession by delicate_creature
Hours passing fluidly like oncoming traffic, flicking away the numbers and what made sense out of them. They were going to their next destination, Boston Mass, Nick watching swirling grey and blues out from the bus, drowning by the flaws it holds. Life wasn't fair, heck it never really was he thought. He felt the pocket-knife in his worn jeans, tethering by a catering thought to etch more marks on his already damaged arm. But sharing a bus with AJ didn't help either, since his wife and daughter were unable to go with him, he decided to join Nick.."like old times" as AJ would say. Losing himself in thought when suddenly AJ came in with a stack of movies and a couple of sodas.
" So pick out a movie dude to get our minds off the time."
Nick sighed, not this again. He knew that if he could somehow feed their needs to comfort him, then he should just give in perhaps. AJ placed a frosted can of soda on Nick's lap and smiled at him.
" Ok...how about The Hangover?" Nick said waving the movie freely as he takes a small sip of soda. AJ nodded and took it from his hand.
" sure why not, i mean we only watched it like a billion times." He laughed shaking his head and Nick dangled his legs off the small green couch, AJ on the floor.
" Um...AJ...can I ask you something?"
AJ turned and stared Nick down, unsure on what was about to to be spoken.
" Whats on your mind Kaos?" He said, rubbing his knuckles over his knee, afraid to even ask...afraid to even chose his words so thoughtfully.
" Do you ever think about....death?" Nick asked carefully, sweat brims like porcelain beads on his forehead. But AJ sighed deeply, taking in the question and exhaling a possible answer.
" Well..I mean...sure. Remember before I went to rehab and all the drugs and alcohol and shit I used to do and how I would disappoint everyone..including Kev." He paused and Nick slightly nodded, remembering that day so clearly. Kevin was the most saddened of all of us. He always felt he was responsible or was not there enough. He felt as if he had failed in some way.
" SO...I mean.." AJ continued, scratching his palms as if the memory was lingering in his reach.
" Yes Nicky..I have..at that time I always thought well maybe I should take my own life, make it easier for you all..you know?" He said but then added " I don't feel that way anymore though...I mean I have Rochelle and Ava now so..life it good man!" he said holding up his can of soda like a torch and Nick reluctantly joined him in his cheer. But the conversation would soon turn somber.
" I feel that way..all the time..." Nick murmured and of course his band mate heard, quickly swinging his head in Nick's direction but he didn't look up. He was staring down, playing with the metal tab..wishing it was knives on his skin, dreaming it could shred him apart till he was nothing as he felt.
AJ was quiet for a moment, Nick's words dissolving inside him. He understood though as he got up and gave Nick a long and comforting hug and Nick seemed to melt in his place.
" Awe Nicky....I know Lauren's death had been so hard on you but I promise it will get better." He said but Nick heard the same thing, the same time, all throughout the 2 years where he never thought there was this kind of pain that stiffens your breath, haunting these walls of his soul.
" It will be ok bro, I am here, we are all here for you" AJ repeated, softly rubbing Nick's back and holding him tighter.
* If only you knew J..if only you knew* Nick thought so sweetly to himself




Once at Boston, the guys fled their buses, the bitter cold air of winter biting their ears fiercely as they made their way inside the hotel. Once settled, they were doing some press interview or something so intruding. Nick brisked past Howie who was chatting with AJ and his words stopped at Nick's gloomy appearance.His figure skinny, eyes flushed with balcked holes, face sunken down. The interview was about to start and he wished nothing more than to get through it with the amount of dignity he had left.
" Is he ok? I mean he just seems to keep getting more distant from us." Howie whispered, making sure Nick didn't hear.
" At this point he should get his own ocean..." AJ slowly said, trying to brightly spread some hope in his words...he knew his brother wasn't all right.
" Yea but I am getting so worried. Did you know he almost forgot the words to "I want it that way" I mean how??" Howie informed as AJ nodded his head.
" We just have to make sure to keep letting him know we are here when he is ready to open up." he said, wavering his eyes over at Nick's direction as he took a seat, hands folded like origami.
AJ didn't tell Howie nor the other guys of Nick's deathly confession, it wasn't his place really. But it was torturing him though..hurt by the stricken look when released those words.




After the interview, the guys agreed to get some dinner and get some needed rest before the show tomorrow night. They followed like a pack to a nice steakhouse, ordering some plump steaks and root beer but Nick didn't seem to want to eat much. Scraping his fork over untouched food. The guys exchanged eyebrow looks and focused back on Nick.
" So frack...your excited for the show tomorrow?" Brian prodded, hoping to get some kind of answer out of him.
Nick looked up and faked a goofy grin, finally taking a small bite on mashed potatoes.
" Yea man, I love Boston." he exclaimed shoveling more food in his mouth. Brian wondered if it was a way to avoid conversation.
" Nick man, we are very worried about you buddy.." Kevin finally chimed in.
" We noticed you have been acting..so different..maybe you can go see a shrink or something, get some meds." Howie said as Nick crossed his arms over his chest, apparently not thrilled to where this was going.
" What are you saying?" Nick said angrily, looking down at his half-picked plate.
" Were just saying Frack, it could help you, get some of that load off your shoulders." Brian slowly said, narrowing his eyes at him.
" Fuck you! I am fine!" Nick snapped, suddenly leaving the table and back to his hotel room. No one said anything further than that.




When Nick reached his room, he grabbed his trusty knife and slammed the bathroom door shut. Placing himself on the toilet and viciously thrashed at his inner arm, tears spilling like spring rain, his cheeks smeared with blood as he wiped them away. Quickly he bandaged his arm and plopped on the bed. The same marks crying words he could never understand.... The next morning, as sunlight greets him with its soft pale light inching his hair, then his face, Nick woke up and headed for the shower. As he was getting dressed he heard a swift knock on the door and he groaned. What is it now he thought. when he opened the door he saw Kevin standing there, a serious expression on his face. Inside Nick crumbled as he prepared to hear what he had to say. But Nick was suprised it wasn't about last night at all " You ready? we have sound check in an hour." he asked, trying to be so patient, trying to not upset him. " Um..yea, I'm just getting dressed." Nick trailed as he noticed Kev eyeing his hand covering his wrist. Kevin looked up gently with a questioning look but refused to even ask. " Ok, I will let the others know." Kevin said twirling around, leaving Nick alone. Kevin shut the door and immediately went to find the guys...something was not right at all. Kevin gathered the other guys and had an important meeting in his room, without Nick of course. Once they sat down, Kevin stared at them for a fruitful moment. "where is Nick? shouldn't he be here?" Brian asked " thats why were here, we need to talk about him.." Kevin said as he sighed deeply, his hands wiping away the frustration at what he witnessed. " I think Nick is...." he trailed, not sure how to say it and unsure of the guys reaction but he took another harboring breath and continued. " i think Nicky is hurting himself." he finally blabbed as the guys gasp in disbelief and worry. " No...no..just....no..he wouldn't." Brian stuttered, apparently not finding his own voice. " I went there to see if he was ready and he was in the process of getting dressed and I noticed him covering his wrist.." Kevin continued, exhaling those words like a venom stripping his lips. " We need to do something about this." Howie injected but Kev just shook his head. " Not yet....we need to wait till he tells us himself, we don't want him to do, you know anything advanced from that." Kevin said as the others shudder at that thought. " we need to watch him more, and make sure he is not alone!" he said aj jumped up and flailing his hand firmly on the table. " oh yea and how do you think we should do this? he is not a kid anymore Kevin!" AJ growled in obvious panic. " Just make sure he is ok." he said quietly and the other nodded, filing out the door, waiting to protect Nick. At the sound check, Nick was tuning his guitar as AJ Approached him, standing there..watching him, his mind restless. Nick glanced up and smiled. " Whats up dude." he simply asked and turned his attention back on his guitar. " Nick...just...don't..." AJ stammered, hopeless at the coversation. * We just don't want him to do, you know anything advanced from that* he heard Kevin in his head. " Just don't do anything stupid, come talk to us instead>" he finally said as Nick gave him a confused look. As they were singing Permanent Stain, all they voices collided in beauty but the other guys stopped, besides Nick and heard a painful voice that is screaming for help.
End Notes:
sorry for the format, i am new lol can't you tell?? hope you like it
Chapter 3 The Battle of Elsewhere by delicate_creature
shuffling my feet as I paced around the room....arguing with myself and trying to piece together what happened a few days ago. I could not help but wonder if they had already know. But if they did, how come they haven't said anything yet. I raked my fingers over my hair, and then dropped them down effortlessly as if it had been defeated. Maybe Howie was right..I should seek some help, I mean how bad can it really be right? Sinking down on the couch when my phone started ringing. I looked over the familiar number but hesitated to answer. Placing my hands across my face, somewhat lingering till I picked up the phone. listened to a brimming voice to overcome my faults...guess they are really worried about me I sighed.

"yep." answering so calm and yet a trembling in this cracked voice wishing for sleep. And of course within busy schedules there was certainly no time for that.
" Hey." it was Kevin....what does he want this time I said to myself.
" Whats you up to lil bro?" he asked kindly. It was our day off from concerts and press conference and all that. So I was trying to spend it by myself, time to reflect. I really wasn't in the mood to leave, I'd figured it can wait for all this to blow over eventually but a strange feeling soon told me that wasn't going to happen anytime soon.
" Nothing really..." I said in a I don't feel like talking tone. I'm sure he understood and he can take a hint and just leave it at that but unfortuantly for me,
he didn't budge, just keep pressing onward.
" Well come on by...you know..hangout?" sounding so desperate to be near my thundering grief. I thought for a brief minute, considering I really shouldn't be alone. Temptations of the blade is swirling through me, the urge coming stronger and stronger as each memory bypass them. without looking, I felt the scars and fresh pages of cuts seething a pain, I gritted my teeth as I never felt so ashamed before. I never to think I would do such harm on myself and maybe there was a way to feel more broken other than this...there just has to be.
" Ok I am on my way." I told him, pulling on my sweatshirt and headed down the hall till I was at front of his door.






For a split second, I half-asked myself if this was a good idea. I mean what if they already know and want to pressure me into admitting it, though I did not want to.Pulling all these doubts away, I lifted my hand and knocked carefully. I heard his clumpy footsteps getting louder from inside as he opened it and smiled as soon as he saw me. Biting my lower lip and offering a quaint smile in return, he motioned me to come inside. Now usually Kev is a pretty clean guy but as soon as I entered, clothes were strewn upon the floor, empty coffee cups littered as well. Kev took a seat om his bed, patting down a little spot next to him, my cue thAT I was going to be lectured one way or the other. Damn it! I should of known.As I parked myself next to him, he stared down at the floor and playing around with his fingers. Constructing some way to do this without upsetting me I thought. I knew him too well to consider another tactic. And when he finally did glance my way, I could see bubbling tears forming, threatening to race down him as he held my hand for a second then dropping them down like pure lead. I could not even say a word.
" Nick...lift up your sleeves." he demanded nicely. I just froze there, my eyes wide with terror. He knew..but how?
"Its ok little brother...show me."
Stealing a gaze from the tv show being on, losing focus or perhaps stalling. I knew I would have to answer him eventually but I didn't know how or why.
" Don't be afraid." he said soothingly as he stroke a flyaway piece of my hair and tucked it neatly behind my ears. This is really happening...it really was. I huffed at myself and drew my fingers over the hem of my sleeves, closing my sight tightly...I forgot to breath. And with an honest tug, I lifted them up to my elbows, my artwork in my own madness streaming in Kev's eyes, filling him with too much dread. He softly wrapped his giant hands on them, and moved them so he could take a closer look. At this point I didn't want to see his face. A few minutes of tracing each one, peering at them like there delicate cups. It felt like an hour he was doing this, not only was I ashamed but embarrassed...knowing the beast I had become.
" Oh god Nicky..."
He kept staring, fingers gliding and crying the tears he had held back before.
" Why would you do this to yourself?" he finally asked, wasn't it obvious to you Kev. I wanted to tell him that and let him know I planned to no longer do this. I also wanted to say everything my voice would not do right now. We sat in complete silence, not uttering a single thing. He suddenly got up and faced me but I still refused my eyes to watch him. He crouched down and pulled me into a tight hug and that is when I completely lost myself and started to sob, staining his shirt with my own tears. I wasn't sure if we had been like this for a while, at least it felt like it.
" After this tour is over, were going to get you the help you need ok buddy." he spoke in broken tones. We only had a few shows left and my suffering would be over. but the question still lingers in my head for what my life would be like after today as a chill in my bones seeped a hope so easily.





I ended up falling asleep on Kevin's bed, knees drawn up to chest and comforted by a delicate singing from him. He was trying to comfort me, now that he knew the truth. He also told me that I should probably tell the other guys, even though it was hard enough watching Kevin's reaction, i realize he is right.








Tonight's show seemed a little different than last and Kevin said after this one is when I am going to tell my other brothers about this. I was nervous though I mean him finding out was one thing but telling the rest..a completely new story. Kev told me not to worry that he would help with it and I felt more at ease.
As the fans were yelling, a gut wrenching thing came over me. As i ran back stage and puked my brains out, I heard someone behind me and found out it was Kevin, a firm grip held strongly upon me and I stood up wearily, facing him once again.
: You all right?" he asked, soften his gaze and I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand.
I nodded as he propped his arm around me..guiding my way out on this, could I ever be the same again?
I didn't know what came over me, how sick I got during the concert. Maybe a disturbing image crawling in my head or something I thought as I slumped across the chair, my four brothers watching me with pursed mouths and needing an explanation to why we were all there. I should start talking huh?
" So...I brought you all here because..I..I..II...have something to tell you..." I stammered, a serious expression caught in me as I struggle to sit up and escape the fear.
" I think its better..if you show them.." Kevin spoke out loud and 3 heads turned toward him, we were hiding something from them they thought. After taking a deep breath, I rolled my sleeves up, exposing the multiple scars that stains my skin. They all gasped and AJ went from a look of horror..to complete anger.
" what the fuck Nick!!" AJ hissed and before even one of us knew it, he was on top of me pounding my face with his fist and I try to black out the words he was screaming at me.
" You fucking asshole!! why the hell could you do that to yourself?? You should of came to us!!" again seething with anger and disapproval. I'm sorry..I'm sorry...so sorry....
Brian and Howie finally pulled him off and Kev just sat there idly with a daring face of shock. As I left myself dangling in my own heat, I heard the door slam so firmly I thought the room would shake and dissolve.
I started to grimace when I found out AJ gave me a black eye...oh great! Now how am I going to explain this one/ No one said anything else and soon it was just me and Kev again. Pulling the blanket up to my chin and tucked me in like a father figure, allowing a few tears to dance down.
" It's ok Nicky." He said in a peaceful way, rubbing my back. " He didn't mean it."
But he did, I was sure of it.
In that phase of nightly bells that darkens the room and myself as well, I could of seen my destructive forces ripping apart everything I've had left to give ..and not even living could be heard in my future. The foggy dusk had overpowered me and realized I was lying on the moss-sickened ground. I trudge to my feet as I saw a darkened figure moving closer to me. No! Not him again, I tried to run but my legs felt like molasses and I cannot seem to move, what was going on here! He was coming closer, snickering a familiar grin as he shoved me right back on the ground, I held my breath as he removed my pants, using my own belt to beat me repeatedly when I was already sore from the fall. " Your gonna enjoy this Nicky boy." he laughed as he wedged himself between my legs, grabbing my thighs and preparing to bleed me underneath his hate. no no noooooo!!!!!!!! I jumped about ten feet, drenching in sweat and my pounding heart still wildly beating. I turned and saw the clock blazing 3 a.m, the clock mocking me with its red eyes. It was another nightmare I breathed a relief but short-lived when apparently I had woken up Kevin in the process. " What happened? Are you ok?" he moaned groggily, I was really tired of that question but I managed to dip a slight nod and fell back on the bed. I just wanted to forget that ever happened, it was such a long time ago but I can't shake it off of me, like it had been embedded or something. No one knows but me and my assaulter . Thinking back on that day, in a hotel somewhere in France, he had lost control and somewhere in the mix, I lost my mind. I was only fifteen when it happened. I was the only one he wanted but could never have. Years of patching up our friendship just for it to dissipate at the seams. I had forgiven him once, but never twice. And as another suffering note fizzed off of me ...I knew one more thing I couldn't allow... He murdered my wife.... I slept awful for the rest of the night or er was it technically early morning? I rustled the sheets getting up and saw that Kev was already gone. He left a note saying something about going to smooth things out with AJ. I shrugged it off and went to the bathroom, peering closely at my mangled face and an oozing black eye AJ thoughtfully left.. gee thanks dude. I rinsed off my face with cool water and splashed it on my arms, feeling sore and aching. I haven't cut since I've been at Kevin's room, I should be happy to saw the least but sometimes I miss the feel of silver. As i was pouring some coffee, Kevin suddenly burst in the room and behind him trailed AJ, his head down like a child who did something wrong. I wasn't going to punish him but i really wanted to find out what made him do that to me. Head still bowed, AJ shifted in the chair, avoiding my eyes..or eye you know. No one spoke for the first 5 minutes and then, out of nowhere, he moved his head up and locked eyes with me. " I'm really sorry Nick, I don't know what came over me I..." he stopped, shaking his head at the same shame I learned to puncture me. How do i respond to this... and apparently I said that out loud. " How do I respond to this." I spat, sure I was angry but he knew after Lauren was killed I changed completely, a stranger that troubles in his very skin. " I don't know." he muttered, holding onto his hands. I sighed a huge defeat and walked over to AJ and dropped my head on his shoulders. He embraced me as I hid a deep smile, Kevin proudly patting me on the back. The tour had offically been over, giving the fans our all in the last few stops and I was happy but yet frightened at its ending, like a flame begging to be extinguished. Even though I planned to head home, the other 4 stopped me and had like an intervention type deal since we didn't really get to do it the last time. A conversation I wasn't excited to have so I had to accept it. " I think you should stay with one of us and not go back home." AJ said slowly. I really hate to inconvenience them and their families that way. I would rather go home and see a therapist or whatever Howie mentioned. I had a feeling it wasn't gonna go in that direction. I also wanted to pop there anyway to speak with Detective Harley about Lauren. He was assigned to the case and though they had a few leads, it all turned out to be dead end. It was frustrating and very uncomfortable knowing he is still out there, knowing who he is but I refused to tell them that unless i got solid proof he was also nowhere to be found. " Fine...I will go with Kev." I simply stated. Kevin was the only one who helped me through all this, I mean they others did too but he just knows how to handle a big situation like that. " All right buddy go get your things and meet me outside k?" Kevin was happy about me going with him, the glee mixed with joy in his face told all. I gave the rest of the fellas all hugs and they wished me the best in my recovery process. Making one very important rule to make sure I call them everyday and Kevin too. When they all left I was packing my bags turned my attention to the window, watching streamers of sunlight envelop the room, thinking everything will get a lot better, or at least that is what I hoped for. so it was decided I would stay with him until at least he feels I am stable enough to be on my own without hurting myself. We planned on seeing a therapist and everything and told me he will come with me if I wanted him too. I had hit rock bottom before but nothing was compared to the battle I was facing yet again. Between Lauren's death and my ongoing nightmares, alcohol and drugs just didn't seem enough, I remember the first time I sliced my writs but it was quite on accident. so I thought I had been lying to myself and everyone around me for years. Today is a start of something new, like a brand new chapter gowning my heart to what i know would be a different me, the old me.. that is till my phone ringed again. I was almost done packing when I picked it up and looked at the numbers..it was Detective Harley, I swear my stomach fell into a deep pit as I answered. " hello?" " Mr. Carter?" his raspy voice chimed and my fears resurface into a haunting image I do not dare to describe. " Yes it is him." i choked out, feeling on what I am experiencing was indescribable. I stood as a statue, and forced myself to listen on. " We need you to come back to California immediately."
Chapter 4 A Thousand Shades of Bone by delicate_creature
insignificant as the breathing
creature I had become,
unbecoming,
for the darkness I knew so well -






My head instantly rushing with different images, especially that of Lauren.
Remembering her mangled body,
her skin pale and taunt
and her eyes like a mannequin...
.my lips curled in anger as I ran down to the lobby
and Kevin met my gaze, his expression unchanged.
He knew something wasn't right,
seeing the panic that levitated from my eyes as if he already knew.
" change of plans.." I briskly said and he locked his casting reel upon me..obviously not an approved view.
" No Nick, we agreed on this and now you back down?"
He growled at me but it wasn't his fault
I needed him more than anyone right now.
" Nick! How can we help you if you don't even want to help yourself? Jesus! I mean we love you Nick and you go and pull.."
He didn't even get to finish when I rudely interrupted, but for good reason I might add.
" The Detective called." I breathed lifelessly and he just stared.
So I continued.
" He said to come back immediately..they must of found new evidence or something"
Again he stared, not understanding and not wanting too
" Oh Nick...well...at least let me go with you."
I hesitated, as I always do..but I wanted to do this alone. I must be the one to deal with it all.
" I don't know Kev, I mean..just go back with your family and I will let you know what happens." I finally completed
" But you shouldn't be alone..." He said in almost a saddened whisper.
I sighed so deeply, I noticed he didn't sound too happy about this, I think it is best this way.
I cracked my famous Carter smile to try to reassure him
I ran my fingers over my cheeks, sounding so desperate but yet I feel I need to do this.
" Don't worry, I won't..you know..do that."
" you promise Nicky? Please I am begging you not to do it." he informed me, laving his temple with his hand.
" I'll be fine...I will call you.: i ended and with that I turned around and went inside the cab toward the airport. Kevin just witnessed me, sight like lightening rumbling in complete estimates of simple sympathy.
I only focused on what lies ahead.
As Kevin dipped his head down in awful fear.





The lovely scenes entrance around me as I was driven to the airport. Too many questions and arguments filling my head with lies.
* If only I was there* I remembered and shuddered by an onset of a chilling North breeze.
It was true though...for none of this would have ever happened.
And she would be with me, starting our life and family.
That dream seems so untrue as the day logs on with torturing affects.
I had left for the tour previous to the one I just did.
I remembered kissing her so gently, rocking her body aside my own, making amazing love with her.
If only i was there....
If only...
As much as I despised the way my heart felt, I cannot help but blame myself.
As her husband I vowed to take care of her and did not.
I Vowed to always be along her side and I didn't.
I never thought Chris would do this...
To me and to her...the police would not believe me
Heck...I did not know where he even was
or if he was still alive..
One thing I did think of though, if i ever see him
he would have a lifetime for me to repay evil with evil.
Playing around with my sweatshirt, I finally got to the airport and payed the poor guy who had to deal with my mental acts.
I rushed in the airport and hastily made a flight for California..my home
Her home...
Our home..now shattered with betrayed death on our minds.
Then on the flight, my brain drifted to a a new landscape of horrifying memories and regrets.



* Flashback**
" oh come on Nickster! it will be fun!" Chris exclaimed giving me those puppy eyes boredom look.
I could only help but laugh.
I never knew how serious he was till it was too late.
See, Chris and I met in Florida after my family moved there. so we had been friends since almost my whole life.
he was cool though, I mean we played ball and hung out..talking about chicks and what not.
But one day he told me a secret.
I never thought it would come out of his mouth.
He confessed to me a few days ago he was gay and I usually do not care for that.
I mean I am pretty lenient with that kind of stuff.
But it wasn't that that got me.
He wanted me...
and no one else.
" oh please Nick! I would love to have every part of you." he slowly spoke and I was disgusted.
Stroking my face so needing like, my stomach churned.
I didn't feel the same way is all.
" Nah shit dude, I am your friend and lets leave it at that." I pleaded.
And thought I thought everything would be ok after it, it really wasn't.
As I got up and left the conversation as it was, I could tell he had a sort of hatred toward me.
It grew even stronger to that night..when he...
No! I can't think about it.
What I didn't learn is what came after on his mouth.
I wished I listened, then none of this would happen.
It was of pure malice and greed and he burned gratefully.
" I will get you one way or the other Carter!"
** End of Flashback**







Yet again I fight fitfully in my chair as we were arriving, my nightmares never ceasing.
The horrible memories that encased within it.
As I prepared to leave, I fought on my phone to find
the detective's number, as I groaned to push in his numbers, what came next was as much as a shock that runs through my body.
" Hello, Detective Harley." Told in such a professional manner but I wasn't here for that..i wanted answers and now!
" Yes this is Nick Carter, you had called me before?" I intruded, my voice above reason.
" oh yes Mr. Carter. are you in the area?" he asked so spitefully and I ignored, demanding as I could ever be.
" Yea..I just landed here...are you at your office?" I asked in return
" Sure, swing by as soon as you can" fast paced and to the point..I had an weird shudder then.
At that time I began to think it was something great, you know, that they finally made a break through in the case.
But little did I know, it was gonna twist into something I never expected in my entire life,
or else I must had dissolved myself from there.







I sauntered into his office...waiting and longing for one of my nightmares to eventually end. The office smelled like stale coffee and cigarette smoke but my fingers laced into each other, as if my hope
is something more
and not less...
" Mr Carter?" he spoke again and guided me into his office and I as I melted into the leather chair,
his direction was not so great.
" So...Mr. Carter.." he started
" you can call me Nick" I stated and he pulled back into his own cocoon, like I offended him.
" ok..well i found some insignificant evidence along Lauren's bones.
Ok? I thought to myself, tucking away any possibility.
" And we noticed she had a slight fracture previous to her kidnapping and murder..."
I did not understand what he was trying to say but I didn't have a good feeling about it.
" We may think your a suspect Nick..." he trailed off.
As I drowned myself within my own hand and cried
Chapter 5 Some Slips of Paradise by delicate_creature
I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
I mean I should of seen this coming from miles away but still couldn't focus.
Expecially when my anger seemed to climb within my chest, welling up in disappointment and sadness to how they could ever point the finger at me.
Detective Harley just ran his gaze over me, and I am glad to decide to hide my cuts from him.
Polishing my hand over my temple, I gave in to my fears and actually paused to hear what can come next.
" Nick, have you ever...hit Lauren before?" he asked calmly and the anger rose even more than it already was.
" No! I mean, that fracture she had was a total accident!" I sputtered but the way he just stood there, mouth agape, I had a feeling he didn't believe me.
It was true, it was.
A couple months before Lauren was found murdered.
We were play wrestling as we always loved to do.
Plus it had a great sex affect after.
But that day I got way to rough and tears sprung her in eyes as I was lifting her ankle above the means of human.
" Ok Nick you win!" she panted, struggling to get up.
And usually she is the tough one, not me.
Perhaps I went overboard with all this, I should had stopped.
" Oh come on Lo! You love it!" I said in a flirty tone.
She let out a slight whimper, but at the time I didn't believe it.
I actually thought she was trying to trick me or something. As I grabbed her ankle higher.
The horrifying feeling when I heard a crunching snap and she screamed out so loud. I couldn't believe of the pain I just caused her.
" Oh god Nick!" she yelled, and i felt my heart drop.
" Lauren! I'm so sorry!! Are you ok?" I was desperate to help her but she was infuriated as it is.
" No Nick!!! I am not ok!!" she cried and I pulled her up and started to bring her in the car and on to the hospital. turns out I had sprained her ankle and I buried myself in a deep depression,
knowing I hurt the one I love.
I explained this to Harley but he didn't seem amused, jotting down a few notes in his pad and I felt even
smaller then.
" Nick, let me cut to the chase, you are now a suspect, we have to search some more in order to clear your name but for now you are not allowed to leave the city!" he spat at me so disgusting like and I felt the tears pouring.
" Please Sir, I would never kill my wife! I know who did it.." I trailed off and he leaned in closer.
" Oh really now? and who may that be." he sarcastically said and I rolled my eyes.
" Chris..Chris Albertson.." I stated, not telling him of the evil man that controlled me.
Not of the man whom stole something I can never get back.
My love I cannot feel any longer




I left his office with a lot of worry and fear. He told me he would look into Chris, if he can ever find him.
I shrugged to myself and got into my car.
As I drove past a familiar scenery in my town, my mind drifted to somewhere I did not want to be.
All i could think about is the blade, taunting my skin with its silvery smile,
just waiting for me to slice up my internal wounds.
I shook my head, i promised Kev I wouldn't do that.
Kevin! I completely forgot about him as I fumbled around for my phone and dialed his number.
" Hey little brother!" he exclaimed, probably waiting for me to call, I can picture him standing by his phone, just waiting for me.
" Hey dude..bad news..." I started and he sighed.
" what is it?" he asked nervously.
I wasn't sure how to word it, it was so absurd, its nearly laughable.
" They are looking me as a suspect now!" I began crying, how was he going to react.
" Nick, calm down, it will be all right..."
" No Kevin!!! It won't be ok and it never will be!!" I screamed and he cut my off.
Knowing what i was thinking, what I was about to do.
" Nick!! Come to me NOW!!!!" he was furious, even when I am certain he knew me too much to even see what was gonna happened before it did.
" No! Leave me alone!!" I sobbed and hung up before he could protest and I felt myself shaking.
I then drove idly around, until i stopped at a liquor store and bought some vodka and a sharp object.
I rummaged through the glove box and found an old pair of scissors, a disturbing smile crossed my face.
I landed at the entrance of the beach and lodged myself in the backseat.
Taking beautiful swigs on vodka and placing the scissors so carefully on my arm, I started to slice and bleed. My face contort in pain but a lovely pleasure.
Allowing the blood permission to escape my arms once again, I closed into myself and took a last long sip of vodka before I passed out in my car.






An early morning tribute shivered me up from my sleep.
Confusion set over and briefly wondered why I w as in my car. The a random loud beeping emit from my phone and I groaned.
It was Kevin..again.
" What is it!" I snapped, forgetting the sorrow I felt deep inside.
" Nick! I had been calling you for hours! Are you ok?" he asked and I snorted in response
" Define ok?" I threatened and he stopped in silence.
" You didn't..hurt yourself did you?" he said and brushing away the truth even more.
I did and hated myself for it.
" No." I lied and he couldn't believe me..
not not and not ever.
" I know you did Nicky, where are you?"
" I don't know, some beach or something." I lazily said
" Ok..I am coming to get you." he finally expressed and my head throbbed with a possibility of him dragging me to a therapist.
I hung up and relaxed myself on the cool seat, warming up to a new day's glow and beckoning joy.
Yea..sure....
And within a few minutes I glanced over and saw Kevins jeep parking right next to my car.
I again dreaded what was gonna happen.
But as he got out and went to the backseat where I was sitting and just peered in, lingering for me to let him in.
I was defeated again and opened the door, as he sat inside he gave me a hard stare.
I didn't give in.
" Sleeves Nick.." he finally spoke after a couple of minutes and I find myself twitching in my seat.
He even added " I know you did.."
I sighed and pulled up my sleeves, and he inspected as if he mesmerized my entire parchment.
He didn't even question, just assumed.
" What did you use?" he asked
I didn't wanted to tell him but he already had me in this hole I felt I had no choice.
" scissors.." I blandly worded and he just lowered himself in his own embrace.
" Lets go." he stated as I wanted to hold back even more.
" Um..where?"
" This has gone to far." was all he breathed and I crumbled.
Little did I know of the place would end up being my sanctuary...








Nothing was ever spoken during the entire ride, or why it should be as he parked in a professional building and i felt myself tightened.
" i made an appointment for you Nick, you need this." he squinted a hidden flaw from me, and knew then he only did this because he cared.
I took in one more part of the building and headed inside, with Kevin on my trail.
The receptionist was overly friendly as I spoke my name in complete shame.
Taking a seat next to Kevin, we wait so long and nothing was exchanged from that.
" Mr. Carter?" informed a worker dressed in a long skirt and flowery blouse.
" Yep." I Hissed and Kev stayed behind, trusting me I should do this on my own.
he gave me an encouraging nod as I followed her inside a cozy office full of inspiration and warm objects.
And for once I feel comfortable.
Then, a red-haired lady walked in and sparkled me a s mile and took a place in her chair, removing her glasses.
I sifted in my own place and she finally mentioned my withering life.
" Hello Nick, my name is Sandra, and I am here to open up your mind."
Oh jeez she sounded cheesy already but I smirked at her and listened onward, indulging in the moment.
" Tell me what is the trouble my soul friend."
Oh yea, this is going to be a long trip I said to myself.
Chapter 6 Pain Intolerance by delicate_creature
I swear I didn't want to talk about it.
I really didn't but she needled me with a bunch of questions
Even when she discovered I had slashed my arms as if they were my own battlefield.
A curling sympathy crossed her face and I shrunk down to my own size, an infant feeling of wanting
I was viewing out the window a beautiful noontide crisp. people laughing within a hint of salty breeze and tendrils of faltering light feathering their bodies.
As if sizzling them for freedom.
But where was mine?
" Nick....when did you exactly started this cutting?" she probed like it was a sick ritual or something.
I had to think back for a second and realized it started when he touched me.
When he raped me...
Sandra was searching for answers as I held my flame in an ending torch. Some things were better left unsaid.
" Since I was 17.." I muttered, not really want to bring this subject up.
All she did was nodded but kept stinging her words upon my like Christmas lights..sparkle without the shine and I fazed for another birth.
" What made you start this, was there..problems in your family or a traumatic experience..."
I cackled at the question, I mean sure I had family problems but i would never exceed to this.
It was like yesterday, it was like I was haunted by his distasteful love for me.



** Flashback**
I was fifteen and hanging out at a hotel in France, the guys and I did a couple of amateur shows before we could fully launch.
I Brought Chris with me to hangout, a sort of childhood friend I needed comfort in.
We sat in the mildew scent room, losing within the caramel walls and avocado rug that ran ahead of our sight.
We just lay in a complete thick air , till one of us had to break the shawl now and then.
And of course it had to be him.
We started becoming friends at a very young age, before I went to Backstreet Boys.
We were the same age and had so much in common, its like we pratically knew each other from the backs of our hands.
But that day, in that hotel was a nightm are I am forced to live with for the rest of my life.
He started stroking my face tenderly and I immediately shook his off and stood up, my arms flaring to hit him.
" what are you doing?"
" Come on Nick, you like it, just let me touch you more."
And as he leaned in I took a giant step back. Chris was crossing the boundaries between friendship and something much more.
" No dude, were just friends ok." I tried to be calm, i really did but as I watched him like a predator getting up and locking the door, I know that was the perfect phase to call him..
A predator...
" Well Nick..your not getting much choice here." he said in an evil tone and I swallowed the lump that was driven in my throat.
He pushed me violently on the bed and unbuttoned my pants. I struggled to fight him off but he was too strong for a scrawny kid like me.
As tears sprung in myself, i knew i wasn't going to win..
I never thought otherwise.
A few minutes later, after he was done with the disgusting deed, I was motionless to get up and he snickered.
That bastard.
He grabbed his coat and left, I haven't seen him since.
The next day when we were recording some songs, I limped my way into the studio, the other guys just stared.
" Nick whats wrong with your leg? I mean your walking funny." Kevin inquired and I just ignored my thoughts.
" Probably masturbated too hard!" Laughed AJ and a sickened feeling came over me.
They didn't know and they never will.
I picked up the headphones and stood at my place.
Ignore these thoughts I said to myself
and was ready to sing this pain away..
**End of flashback**




Luckily for me, Sandra just gave me a reassuring smile and some tissues after I told her.
It felt so good to finally tell someone, it really did.
" We had made great progress today. " she sang like a lullaby and I faintly smiled at her as I poured out everything I harbored for so many years.
I talked to her about Backstreet and my family and all that..except Lauren's death, I wasn't ready to talk to her about that.
"When you are ready" she softly said and then she got out something and began scribbiling.
" Well Nick, I am going to prescribe you Prozac for depression and Alprazolam for anxiety, perhaps using those at the right prescribed time would prevent you from cutting again."
I only nodded as she handed the prescription notes to me as it burned in my hand.
She continued, allowing me to inform me on my treatment plan.
" i also want you to come once a week to move forward in our sessions, what day and time is good for you?" she asked
Well considering we were done with the tour and all, I was pretty much free. But I needed this more than ever I convinced myself on this.
" Anytime is fine with me."
" Ok then, how about next Wednesday at 3:30?"
" Yep thats ok." And she flashed another earthly smile and gave me the appointment card so I wouldn't forget.
She then got up and followed me out the door, I felt a tumbling weight shifting from inside myself and I knew I can do this.
" Ok Nick see you next week."
" Thanks." i said dryly and saw Kevin fixated on a sports magazine.
I cleared my throat and he suddenly glanced up and cracked a glow that comforted me.
" All set buddy?" he asked and I nodded.
We went to the car and as we climbed in he bombarded me with questions, good ones though.
" so how did it go? I mean you like her and feel comfortable talking to her?"
" Sure man..I mean she is great, I feel good about this now."
Kevin raised his furry eyebrows as if not believing me.
But that was Kevin for you, always being a father to us, even when we needed it at the hard times.
He started to knead his face and drove toward my house, after we got the prescriptions of course.
" Now Nick I am gonna stay with you for only a few days till your used to this system."
" But why! I am not a kid damnit!" i whined and he wasn't going to take no for an answer.
" Nick please, we had discussed this already" sternly and pointing his finger, I exhaled my hidden breath.
"sure." I muttered and he patted my shoulder.
"Good, lets order some pizza and watch some movies."
" I gazed up at him, and I felt he had been proud I am taking this big step into my recovery.
The flame in my heart was rekindled again.





8 am and I am not sure I am wide awake, With Kevin snoring in the next room, how could I?
I ripped the blanket off and headed for the kitchen.
Filling a glass with water and shook 2 small pills out, and shoved them in my mouth, followed by a long sip.
Bitter taste lingered in my throat as I coughed.
God I hate taking meds.
As I was srambling some eggs in the frying pain, I head heavy footsteps coming toward me.
" Good morning Kev." I mumbled without turning around.
" Did you remember to take your meds?" he asked and i groaned.
Gee what a nice good morning response and I stiffled a laugh.
" Yes Dad!" i mockingly called and he just shook his head, pouring some coffee and taking a seat at the table.
" So what do you wanna do today?"
I shrugged, I wasn't really sure, I mean I thought i could be used to being by myself and now that Kevin is here, I am dumbfounded.
" I dunno, whatever you want." I responded as he shredded the newspaper open and inspected it.
" I have an idea, lets invite the other fellas and have like a bbq sort of thing..what do you say?" Kevin suggested and I was down for it.
A nice afternoon with the guys, grilling some meat and shooting the shit.
I mean what could go wrong right?






Within a few hours, Brian, Howie and AJ came bursting through the door.
carrying platters of steak, burgers and ribs. Howie clutched a 12 pack of beer in his grasp while AJ had the soda.
It was like a meat fest or something and chuckled at them.
"Some feast were having huh?" I cleverly stated and the guys laughed.
"Well someone is feeling better!" Brian noticed
I was feeling better, but still had this cloud looming over me.
I can ride this storm I mumbled to myself.
I haven't even thought about slashing or anything like that.
"mmhmm..indeed." i sparked and I took all of the grub and went directly onto the porch.
It was a lovely day, the hours warming my flawed skin, complimenting my peaking joy.
Just feeling so perfect right now.
Brian and AJ were ruling the grill as they hung back and chatted playful like.
" So do you think their burning the steaks yet?" I joked and they died laughing.
" Probably, as long as they don't scorched the burgers then were good." Howie smiled, taking a little sip off his beer.



After we ate like kings..we all chilled and engraving this moment as if we hadn't seen each other for a while.
Suddenly I had this weird feeling I couldn't explain.
AJ started to rub my arm as he was blabbing out an inappropiate remark.
Trying to snap myself out of it, i felt the raindrop in my cloud before they can even form.
The touch was too familiar, reading my goosebumps like a new language.
The concerned ripples from them and melded my mind.
My chest constricted, sweaty palms sprinkling upon a cold can I held.
" Nick?" Kevin gingerly asked when blackened curtains faded in my sight.
I heard it, his creepy sound filling my ears with a scary melody.

" I want you Nicky" hissing like curdling steam.

Whimpering before I could even let out a scream, I bolted out of my chair
Running into the house and stealing my meds from a darkness that surrounds a decent fright.
" NICK!!!." Brian screamed in a panic.
My heart was rapidly thumping, it was losing my breath.
I gunshot into the car and frantically accelerated the speed matching my strangling refuse. Announcing waterworks to remain as my doubt.
As I turned to witness the guys standing helplessly, everything came crashing.
I didn't know where I was going or even a destination. But all I knew was I had to run, feeling like a point falling from earth.



" WHAT DO WE DO NOW! HE COULD HURT HIMSELF OR EVEN WORSE!!!" CRIED hOWIE.
Kevin bottled his gaze on asphalt liquid, absorbing every texture..determined.
" We find him." he simply said as the other joined him in his clawing fear.
Chapter 7 Human Hunt by delicate_creature
Author's Notes:
Told In Kevin's POV
It was like a typical scavenge, arming my bow and arrows off vision and places he could be. A Mission I should not fail in. Sweat decorated my forehead in pearls as I was trying map out the entire city within my head.
Remembering Nick telling me he cannot leave it for he is a suspect.
Even though he is not capable of hurting anyone but himself. The tinge of ending terrorizes me.
I even felt more scared knowing he had on his meds as well.
Fearful he could gulp them all till he was truly gone.
I would never allow that.
Not this time....


Brian, Howie and AJ towered near me, waiting for a scorching symbol to start.
For some compass of light to guide them,
not even sure where the torch even began but we also had no time to waste.
" All right fellas listen up!" I shouted and it seemed to electrify their heads,
ready to search.
" We are all going to seperate to find Nick as quickly as we can."
It actually felt pleasant to be in charge of something so meaningful and all I want is for Nicky to be safe.
For he is the little brother I love and hold tenderly to a feathered heart.
" Howie, I want you to go search downtown...Brian you check the beaches and back roads..and AJ travel along the street and I will look by the mountains." i ordered
and they all bowed themselves as if understanding for the hunt.
Target: Nick.
Now i know he is not an animal, not at all!
Only a troubled man man trapped into the wired cages off his sorrowful mind and my heart weeps for him.
I only hope we are not too late.


As i stabbed my glossy key into the ignition and it roars, my fingers imprinted on the leather wheel.
I was ready.
Aimlessly i drove, swerving in-between clogging, swollen streets, the scent of fried fast food
and lingering mold off humans.
A simple wild of all things.
I took a slight left up towards the jagged mountains.
I may not know Nick now as I did before, but I knew that when he runs he wants to be isolated.
Like the theories and formulas of dusk threatening to rip through patch-work clouds.
I toyed with my lip, nervous with an almost shade in beastly night to take over.
I rushed more than I ever had.



Parking my car and proving myself i can do this on foot, the ride much easier than I conquered.
As I carefully stepped over lowered rocks and crunched in an earthly dwelling, i started to call ut his name, begging he was near.
" Nick.....NICK!!!." I screamed with the very volumes of my lungs.
Sighing as rolls of anguish seemingly drip my own despite...fear...
Pulling out my phone i called the guys to find out if they made any progress.
" Nope..nothing." AJ stated
" Not yet." informed Brian
" I will keep looking!" Fought Howie.
I stamped my foot onto the ground in self-hatred and frustration.
" Damn where can that kid be?" I growled and roamed my sight to every part of this escaping land.
Gambling for slight clues off his existence here.
As the wind ignited my senses so strongly, suiting me up to my worst nightmare...
with guilt as my tie.


" Nick!!!!" I replied exhausted at the brilliant stars to remain my direction.
Salted with a hazed grace that drizzled the area like slaves.
I continued to climb upward to an asking smudge within a cave.
Wish I had a flashlight I muttered but a wavering cusp from fake light on my phone would do.
I eagerly flooded through this infant car and nothing debt he was even here.
With that I turned around, my feet cracking beneath my tiring medal in joy.
Angering as I dove into a new path lined with
ghost plants and snakeskin tones.
It was I was floating through this crumbling paradise,
underneath a kind vein spilling even my own voice for the blind refuge.



" NICK!!!!! PLEASE NICK COME OUT!" I pleaded in deep pleading and still no more tokens of him showned upon this wasteland.
Forgetting a superior value off time, sprinkling glints of wavering ticks and complete torment.
I was not going to stop there.


Suddenly my phone beeped and I hurried to fumble with it, believing it was him.
And frowned to know it was my wife Kristen, I mean I do love her with every thread within my soul but now was not the perfect moment to toil the honest bells.
" Honey?! Where are you? The boys miss you and I'm worried." She raced with her words.
" trying to find Nick! He panicked and took off...I will be home soon...I promise." I recited and i heard her grumbling from within my blood.
: Kevin please don't get lost or anything..just call the police if your worried, I mean Nick is big...." as she went on and I stumbled over killings off natural instinct.
I paused to trust my markings, pounding is what my heart wears.
In front of me was Nick's white car, parked there without a real home..all my thoughts went blank and thrilling.
" I have to go honey." I simply answered, hanging up and trudging toward his car.....
not knowing what I may find.


Climbing slowly and peering, I noticed his car was empty, a few blood thirst off his perfectly tan seats and I felt my stomach my stomach breeding hints off sickness and refused to even allow it to come up.
" Nicky??" my voice cracked in a haunting orchestra.
There was no response but only a crime scene on self mutilation and regret...such a deadly mixture to befallen on my dear brother.
Using my trusty phone, i was opt to find just a sign of him or even his scent like cypress wood lurking and bathing in daylight's yearning.
Then another call interuppted my thoughts, it wasn;t Kristen this time...
it was Brian and was holding what storm can ever stalk my wandering retreat.
" Anything you find cuz?" he was more panicked than I was but little did you knew or was about to discover.
" I found his car but no Nick...I am getting scared Bri, I mean what if he's.." and before i knew it he cut me off.
" NO!! Don't say that..I'm..i'm..i'm suurree he is around somewhere..keep scoping out the scene, we are on our way." and with that he clicked and I shut my soul so tightly...
Even if they came here, I did not want them to know..
you know..the possibility of this...
for I did not want more to see in my own eyes.
I once again sprawled upon the rough interior..
and I dreamed again on his lovely smile..
staring back at me in a cold-handed death.
Chapter 8 Exploited Ink by delicate_creature
Author's Notes:
repost
" Nick, do you really have to go?" Lauren pouted as i shoved her deep into my embrace.
Leaning down and baiting my lips across her's,
loving the nectar taste, savoring every moment.
" i will be back as soon as you know it babe." I replied giving her my famous smirk as she playfully
swats my arm.
" I'll just miss you so much honey, I always love having you here with me."
I then lowered my forehead on Lauren's, sneaking up for another tender kiss and she clutches the back of my head to deepen our passion.
Buried down onto our plush bed, sheets still entangled from our dreaming and started to make such
wonderful love to her.,
Moaning my name as she spiderwebs her legs tight on my back. Pressing honestly and coiled in completely.
Panting with sweat glitter that masquerade our bodies, I pounded one last time until I finally came.
Holding her wrist hostage with my own.
We can only steal glances within a moonlight grove.
" I love you so much." I whispered glistening with pure beauty.
I never felt this happy in my entire life.
With her I feel complete and nothing could ever escape that.
Lauren pulled me in her arms and held me within her starry protest.
" I love you too." she breathed tiredly as we both lull into a wonderful sanctuary in ending day.
The next morning I stirred and noticed Lauren was already out of bed. Giggling to myself as I jumped to follow a delicious smell billowing from the kitchen.
When I reached there before her presence could wash over my own, she was wearing one of my fancy white shirts that droops along her delicate body. With a pair of her skimpy shorts that really shows off those curves. Brushing my tongue on my lips, i already knew what I wanted for breakfast.
Spilling onto her hips and melting like the cheese on the omelet she was cooking. Sinking my arms and fishing for her touch.
" Good morning baby." she exclaimed giving me a quick peck on the cheek before turning her attention nacl on the steel pan.
" Mmm good morning to you my dear." I growled in her ear as she laughed lightly. Exploring each part of her like a valuable gem. She spoke like butterflies again.
" i figured you would want a nice breakfast before you leave." she sighed, sadly saying the word leave, skywriting upon a starless night.
The bells off my hand ringed her nearer to remember her every movement.
As she finished and we sat picking through our breakfast, chatting unplanned remarks. I cleared off the dishes for her then reached for my tour bag.
She followed close by on my heels as II reached the door, my hand kindly smoothed on brass and I leaned toward her.
She fetchingly drew myself to her, planting a long kiss with tongues fighting for control.
Soon as it was daybreak, we could only mirror our faces. i stroked her cashmere face and gave her my all, promising I would call as soon as I got to my first stop.
Never believing this would be the last time I would ever see her again.....



Breathing underwater...I gasped for a fruitful air to breath and fill with with some sort of purpose in life.
Splattering myself onto a crooked rock and deserted land, i smiled a peace I longed to drive through.
My arms screaming pain, the crimson liquid speckled on me like mutilation jewerly.
I half-hoped that the guys not to find me like this but it seems to work to indulge my mind...for a little while.I didn't overdose on my meds, well not severly anyway, it sure didn't feel like I did as I take another dose and skipping my dreams away.
To help cradle this anguish that scorched me as so and remembered her as she was..so loving and caring....pretty much my other soul.
I wondered for a second how someone could take that brutally from me.
I scooped the blade up and eased it across my arms.
Even though I was shaking like a stormy tree, I faltered anyway leaving dozens of cookie-cutter marks upon my ready mangled flesh.
Glossy waves in blood trickles down and I was swimming within the pleasure. Using my shirt as a hopeless bandage.
Sighing as i swallowed back my pride and 2 more pills, easily trailing a sleepy sun. It was soon that i could reamin alone upon a marinated twilight witihin all dreams I once had.
Yea...cuz that's what it was like...
I don't know what came over me at the BBQ and surely the guys are probably doing some kind of search and rescue part to locate me.
I wish they didn't.
Closing my eyes painfully, i attempted to doze off this lunatic rampage till i heard an echoing voice vibrating off the rough walls.
" Nick!! NICK!!!!" he beckoned sounding far away but realized he will find me at some point.
Kevin.
I asked myself what made him look for me here, pounding my fist on rock hard enough to hear threads of bone shattering.
FUCK.
Immediately following a cursing agony, I let out a pipsqueak cry Kevin might of heard because his dominant voice grew louder.
" Nick!!!! Come out please." he desperatly yelled.
I curled myself into a ball..oh God he sounds scared.
Well im sure after the little stunt I acted earlier. I really couldn't blame him.
My vision seemed fuzzy from the meds and almost like a white slurpee in clouds..Manically bursting out a seething laughter.
I paused long enough to hear a crunch of footsteps arming towards me, then it suddenly stopped.
" Nick??!! Oh Jesus thank God your ok!" he abruptly said, throwing his arms over me and picked me up to carry me.
I wasn't sure how long it felt to get to his car...hours or just plain minutes, sort of relived he found me now.
He gently sat me down in the passenger seat, finger-printing meas if i was a suspect.
Yup...that is what I am..a suspect and dryly laughed again
Kevin did not seemed amused.
" Nick, this isn't funny...we were all sick with dread to where you took off to!" he bellowed and I dropped my head in bloodied shame.
He inspected one of my arms ghetto bandaged with my shirt and also the extremely swollen hand..hearing depths of his disapproval.
" let's go." he simply stated starting to drive down the twisted roads. I couldn't help but laugh and Kevin death-stared me.
" Stop laughing!" he cried
My brain was still fuzzy as I stared out the window with grey dots sparkled a lonely scene.
A distant mellow in Kevin's voice tracked as he called the others to inform them I was ok..or somewhat.
" Where we go?" I sloppily asked and Kev just glared at me.
" Hospital to make sure your ok and fix that hand of yours..I mean...how many pills did you really take" he questioned and dissolved further in my seat, checking out my arms and hand...fuck I forgot i did that.
" i dunno.." was all i could reply. Probably took more than my body could handle i thought.
When we arrived, Kevin conviently grabbed a wheelchair and drove me inside, explaining the nurse and doctor of my condition.
Plastered into a electric white room, kicking my legs back and forth till he got aggravated...we waited.
The doctor came back and wrapped up my arms and also the hand that I broke. He also required for my stomach to be pumped from all the meds I displaced into my body.
After I was discharged, he ordered me into the car and called our brothers again to meet us at Cherry Brooks Forest..whatever the hell that was.
The car ride was stuffy and incomplete..as if the words we could say was never meant.
He then pulled over along a rusty fenced gate in front of a large brick building, my brothers waiting.
What the hell as going on I snuck to myself as Kev helped me out of the car.
The guys just stared at me..not knowing how to place their blame upon me....as they all gave me a hug and wished for the best.
Now I was really scared.
" I can take it from here." he told them and guided me through the fence and up the cobblestone stairs.
My heart was taken...
You see Cherry brooks Forest was not a rehab
nor an extended vacation...
but perhaps more a mental hospital and I stopped in my tracks as Kevin turned around.
" i am not going in there." i quietly spoke, testing out my weak voice.
" Nick....you have to...you need help more than I could give you." he said hesitant, taking the blame for my own mistakes, it hurt to see the creasing sadness in his face.
" Come on little brother, their waiting for you." he finished and brought me inside.
It seemed cozy and well drawn out..like the perfect destination where you want to get away from it all.
I still didn't want to be here though.
After He checked me in, a nurse named Anne brought me to my room and gave me a run-down on how things worked around here.
The room was an eggshell white, with a bed, dresser closet and bathroom..plainly stated and I fell into the bed.
Kevin smiled over me and lifted me up for a long tight hug, promising he will bring me extra clothes or whatever I needed and also to visit me, which is every Tuesday and Thursday from 2-4.
" Take care of yourself Nicky..your doing the right thing." As he turned and left the room, silently closing the door.
I flew myself against the window, watching him leave, rubbing his big hands over his temple and sat till he disappeared away from me.
I was in jail..for the mentally insane...
Chapter 9 Restrain and Deterioate by delicate_creature
Author's Notes:
repost
Deeply losing in-between pillowslips of slumber, it was the same routine each and every day.
I no longer wanted to be here, I mean I was only here for only 3 days since Kevin brought me here.
Against my own will i may add.
The slivering rituals were wake up at 7 for breakfast, have group sessions or some nonsense, followed by some outdoor time then more groups and lunch and groups..dinner then bed. It was driving me more insane than I probably already was.
Not to mention cocktail hour with meds which seemed to go on and on as the day angrily passes.
It was as if I was my own prisoner and nothing would end this madness of mine.
I sat perfectly cross-legged on my comfy bed, waiting for the next section of my new life to envelop me...how did I ever get to this point of my life?
Wasting away i felt as natural light spun it's web at my face..wishing I could drown within the beautiful tone that seperates me from living to death.
A troubled sigh, i shut my eyes for all glory in me to last briefly while the dizziness on the medications that were newly given to me to take it's control.
A combat on war I fought for myself in more ways than others could imagine.
I hated how these pills made me feel, like a warped zombie thing battling the demons one by one.
And in a slight instance somewhere inside me triggered a response I myself was not prepared for.
Snapping at the elastic seams of what is left of a burden I carried through all these years and releasing a declaration of not giving a fuck anymore.
At least that is what I planned on.
I smiled to no one as I mesmerized the other patient's emotionless faces. Grey and unruly like oil puddles shimmering upon a summer's haze.
Fake and laced with a poison they so kindly feed us on a day to day bases.
They can do fine being the hospital's robots but I'm certainly am not giving in.
Not now..not ever...
Gee where did I get my sporadic behavior from?
Suddenly there was a delicate knock on the door and drunk-like pulled my gaze toward the unopened door.Thinking lastly yet again as I hammed my good hand roughly on the imprint of the mattress..waiting to regain my own control back.
A think-skinned woman strolled in with her black rivers of hair flowing down along her frame of shoulders, as I noticed she was carrying a small Deeply losing in-between pillowslips of slumber, it was the same routine each and every day.
I no longer wanted to be here, I mean I was only here for only 3 days since Kevin brought me here.
Against my own will i may add.
The slivering rituals were wake up at 7 for breakfast, have group sessions or some nonsense, followed by some outdoor time then more groups and lunch and groups..dinner then bed. It was driving me more insane than I probably already was.
Not to mention cocktail hour with meds which seemed to go on and on as the day angrily passes over me.
It was as if I was my own prisoner and nothing would end this madness of mine.
I sat perfectly cross-legged on my comfy bed, waiting for the next section of my new life to envelop me...how did I ever get to this point of my life?
Wasting away i felt as natural light spun it's web at my face..wishing I could drown within the beautiful tone that seperates me from living to death.
A troubled sigh, i shut my eyes for all glory in me to last briefly while the dizziness on the medications that were newly given to me to take it's control.
A combat on war I fought for myself in more ways than others could imagine.
I hated how these pills made me feel, like a warped zombie thing battling the demons one by one.
And in a slight instance somewhere inside me triggered a response I myself was not prepared for.
Snapping at the elastic seams of what is left of a burden I carried through all these years and releasing a declaration of not giving a fuck anymore.
At least that is what I planned on.
I smiled to no one as I mesmerized the other patient's emotionless faces. Grey and unruly like oil puddles shimmering upon a summer's haze.
Fake and laced with a poison they so kindly feed us on a day to day bases.
They can do fine being the hospital's robots but I'm certainly am not giving in.
Not now..not ever...
Gee where did I get my sporadic behavior from?
Suddenly there was a delicate knock and I drunk-like pulled my gaze upon the unopened door.Thinking lastly yet again as i hammered my good hand to the imprint along the mattress, waiting to regain my own control back.
A think-skinned petite woman strolled in with her black rivers of hair flowing gently along her frame and shoulder. Carrying a porcelain tray with medications.
My medications....
That I personally did not want as she approached me carefully like a prey in the jungle, I had to act fast.
Racing my thoughts pumping my heart into adrenaline.
Even though i sat ill on my bed as she set the tray down and smiled at me sweetly, she made contact, handing me a plastic cup of about four sad pills and a glass of water.
" Here you go Nick." she spoke instantly and I glared at her. She frowned as if already reading my mind.
" I'm not taking these." I mumbled and she withdrawn her arms back and held them as if they were sacred.
I still refused.
" Well why not?" she kindly asked and I snorted. Nice try toots but this shit ain't gonna work for me, no matter the cause nor cost.
" I just don;t like the way they make me feel.." I began firmly and she rudely interuppted me like I had no choice either way.
" Ok honey..maybe we can switch your medication or.." she started but jumped off my seat and stood a couple inches in front of her, not a care in my damn messed up world. I make my own brakes HONEY..thank you!
Anger boiled from within me and there was not a tame spot on this fury storm.
" NO! I am never going to..you hear me!!!." I screamed and a crossed shock of panic ran on her face and I continued not to care.
I didn;t stop there either, when the raindrops on my storm quickly hurried onto me.
I picked up a floral printed lamp and battered it on the wall, breaking the bulb in unflattering pieces.
" Never!! Fuck off or better yet just go so I can finally die!!!" I spat, roaring with all my mind caged in and hanging at the door.
I wasn;t entirely certain on how or why I was doing this but felt like a needed token to me.
I pretty much trashed the room as the nurse called out a Code Grey...what the fuck??
What did that mean and my panic matched my breaths.
I knew this wasn't gonna be good.
" Code Grey! We have a Code Grey situation." she called out an then two men appeared into my room and coming towards me.
Crushing myself against the wall as they attempted to get a hold on my shoulders, i started flying the good fist balled and ready for action., punching at my intruders.
Completely breaking the other's hand, my teeth chattered together as my skin was scorching hot.
I figured my anxiety was running on high and my fears blazing a glory I never thought were alive.
As the nurse called in for more back-up, i gulped as 5 muscular men charging into the room.
After a few minutes of trying to fight them off, I knew I couldn't take them.
They grasp a hold of me, my shirt ripped as i continued to fight as much as I could.
They placed me on the bed and one of the guys was holding some belt looking thing.
Oh God they were going to restrain me.
Proceeding to pin my legs and arms down, careful not to bother the broken hand, moving quickly to place me down.
I felt my cheeks redden in frustration, letting out a series of heart-wrenching screams for this reminded me of too much.
The ceiling was spinning and closely heard the nurse tell them to get a needle and some medicine called cozpa- something to sedate me. I was out of control but I still didn't care.
A few moments later the nurse returned carrying the enclosed needle and a small the of liquid.
Because my arms were wrapped up, they explored other viable veins to use and settled on the one bulging from my upper left thigh.
I struggled to free myself from the restraints to no avail. They cleaned off a little spot and felt a sharp hit from the needle filling my veins with defeat, fury calming down.
" that's right, just relax sweetie." she cooed pulling the needle out and disposed of it professionally, she enveloped me with a thin wool blanket.
" Fucking bitch." I whispered before the glazing heaviness of my eyes won over as I slipped in further away from myself.


Hours later I awakened trying to sit up but realized I was still tied down.
Fuck i breathed and then an unknown hand was grazing on my knee.
I glanced up to see kevin's worried brow curtained a premature darkened room. He shot me a half-smile and continued to comfort me. I seemed all groggy and my head felt like it was filled with pudding.
" hey little brother." he finally spoke. Now here comes the lecture followed by this short message from the lunatic.
" Hey." I stated facing away. i wasn't in the mood to chat about what I've done, I was so strong on this though I don't want anymore meds.
" What happened bro, i thought you were getting better?" he asked and rubbing my sore thigh and I winced. I was unsure of the whys and the hows I couldn't control it and that scares me. I'm not even convinced they should take off my bindings either.
Not understanding how to answer, I decided best to ignore and of course kevin kept prodding.
" they have been checking on you every thirty minutes to make sure your ok." he continued you shaving his thumbs over the sadness that nests in his chin.
" And their going to come now to check you over before....>" he paused and my fears started producing yet again. He locked his gaze on me and he looked to age about ten years..poor Kevin, I'm sorry to put you through all this.
" Before they take off the straps and bring you to you new room...I mean are you fine now..completely relaxed?"
I hid back a little as he studied me from his position on my bed. A new room I thought? But why?
" Sure I guess." i hesitated and he wasn't satisfied enough with my answer.
" No they need to be sure for everyone's safety. Christ Nick you broke a man's hand and gave the nurse a black eye!" he exclaimed throwing his hand over to cover his anger that quickly levitated.
Damn I didn't even remember that..was I bad enough for them to do all this? Wait don't tell me for i already know of the monster I had become.
A new nurse entered the room with a stack of paperwork and equipment to check my temp pulse and all that.
" Hello Nick, my name is Trina and I am going to give you a little check-up then I am going to bring you to your new room." she explained as she placed two fingers on a little map in my wrist and listened for my pulse.
After she took my temp and blood pressure and scribbled on the paperwork.
" Everything looks really good, are you ready Nick?"
I nodded not trusting anything anymore. She brought in a wheelchair and told me it's to ensure everyone's safety and all that blah. Kevin trailed behind and signaled to me that he was there for me, I felt happy immediately..until we turned the corner to a sign that read CRISIS WARD. Then every feeling went numb as i slowly read those words over and over again.
Trina brought me to room B100 and inside was a more simple set-up than it was before.
There was a wired bed with a soggy plump mattress and a poor toilet nearby and also a little phone hanging on the wall.
" So Nick, now you are in the Crisis Ward. You will be monitored constantly with our video cameras." pointing up to 2 that sat on each side of the room. I felt uncomfortable to be watched but I guess they had to..considering how I was earlier.
" You will me monitored for at least 24 hours and then we will see if you are better enough to return to your old room." She sweetly said and I dissovle into the bed, feeling so much dread come over within my mind.
" Any questions?" Trina asked and both Kev and I shook our heads.
As Trina waited for Kevin to lead him out, he turned and gave me another long and deep hug, brushing away my tears as he quietly left..leaving me to this bed, toilet and phone with the cameras as decoration into my own sickened world.
End Notes:
sorry it took so long to repost this, hopefully i can have chapter 10 up sometime today..thanks for reading :)
Chapter 10 The Dreaming Fever by delicate_creature
Author's Notes:
both in Kevin's and Nick's POV
Kevin's POV


It was an ordinary Friday afternoon. The last tendrils of dawn billows lightly a comforting tone. Spending quality time with my wife Kristen and two young sons. As I was drifting through the yard setting up our picnic while the boys played wildly in the poo Kristen ran her fingers up as I arranged the patio, kissing each crevice on my body.
I missed having days like these, I mean don't get me wrong I do love being in the Backstreet Boys but i also love the faint reminders that I am also a devoted husband and father.
I recalled the moment I rejoined the group. The fellas was brilliant in happiness, expecially Nick. Now it seems dreary to think we could all move ahead with the way we were today or if it's even possible to regain that crown again.
" Daddy look! i caught a whale!" my son excited to tell me, ripping myself from this discouragement.
" Cool buddy! Do you think you can catch some fish to eat?" I replied silly as Max stuck out his tongue in disgust.
" eww! Fish is gross Daddy!." he ran off laughing.
A sparkling joy came over me and checked beyond the horizons in awe.
Sudden;y my phone chimed into my feathering conversation and kristen swatted me lightly.
" ignore it sweetie." she protested as when I was going to push that button my heart completely spilled out of me.
Cherry Brooks Forest.
Nick.
" i have to answer this I mouthed and she gave me the death stare.
I hated doing this to her.
" Hello?" I sang, my nerves were climbing up my throat, threatening my voice.
" Hello Kevin Richardson? It is Lisa from Cherry Brooks how are you today?"
" Fine>" I stumbled longing for the news.
" I understand your the patient Nick's guardian and we have to report to you anything that goes on."
It was true I am but I haven't told Nick that yet.
After a couple days she had called me to meet her in her office. She had dark skin and hazelnut eyes..fairly young. She explained that Nick is no longer able to make any decisions due to his mental state.
I signed up for the brutal task of doing it for him.
" yes..is he ok?" I spilled and heard a thick smoke in her to siren me it wasn't good.
" We need you here promptly" was all she wrote to me and I try to blink back my refusal.
" Ok, I'm leaving right now." I told her and clutched my keys. kristen ran up behind me.
" Where are you going?" She breathlessly asked I turned around and nearly crumbled when I saw a bridge of worry forming.
" Nick needs me." Leaving a dumbfounded kristen in the hallway.
I rushed through the busy streets I found myself asking what came upon Nick. He was there to get better not worse. All i knew is that he needed somebody...somebody to take him out of darkness and into a joyful life. He had been through too much already to give up...thinking death as an only door out.
When I reaCHED the hospital and aimed towards the entrance. i never thought it was going to be bad until I heard a distant screaming that pounded familiar pain.
" hello, can i help you Sir?" a young nurse asked and my trance of him yelling and screaming deafened on my ears.
" yes I am Nick's guardian at the moment." I startled and she nooded, forcing me to wait as they attempted to calm Nicky down.
Then Lisa came in and directed me into her office..enjoying the silence when Nick had stopped..fearing what he might of done.
I took the closest chair to me in her office and waited for the news on his condition. Judging by her expression it was a horrible sight.
" Mr Richardson..Nick had refused to take his medication and had acted out in violence leading to injuring a couple of staff members."
I exhaled out what I held in my chest..needing to explode my anxiety and pure grief.
my Nicky..causing all this destruction, struggling to find the very words to help him.
" Since he was a danger to everyone and also himself, we had to restrain and sedate him for the time being." she quietly told me and I pictured Nick being strapped down..fighting this war he presses onto himself.
" So what is going to happen to him now?" I begged to her hoping anything could save him. she took out his file and thumbed the pages delicately.
" Moving forward..He needs to spend at least 24 hours in our Crisis Unit until he is stable enough to go back to his other room. He will be watched by video every second to make sure he doesn't harm himself and then we can take it from there." she informed me and after I had no further questions it was duty to have me sign some paperwork to ease the process a little.
When I was finished all i wanted now was to see him..even if he remains sleeping.
" Can i visit him? You know go so he won't wake up alone?:
Cuz knowing him so well, he will freak upon waking up by himself and Lisa nodded understandably.
" Right this way." she guided, towering through the walls as I lurk into his room. I scanned the scene before me and saw a passed out Nick still restrained in his bed. He seemed flushed and sort of pale when the remnants of his battle longs across his face.
Lisa left the room explaining to me that someone will come check on him as I sat on the edge on his bed waiting for him to emerge.
A while later...I gently rubbed his leg and he stirred..fluttered awake looking slightly confused.
He noticed me next to him and his expression didn't change. He probably is not up to talking as i spoke to break the staleness in the air.
I asked him what happened and why and I informed him what will happen now, he seemed to change drastically.
Another nurse came in named Trina and checked him over. Settling into his new room i hugged him..tightly tugging my fingers in his skin....feeling like I had failed him.

When I got home, the boys were already asleep and Kristen reading a novel in our bed. She glanced at me tiredly then went back to her book.
" Hey." I came over and she didn;t even budge
" Hey..is everything ok?" she melted tearing down her walls of anger and replacing them with sympathy.
I undressed and crawled to my sacred place beside her and started to break down. Fat sleeves of tears splattered as she held me closely.
" I failed him Kristen..I really did..." I admitted and her hold grew stronger.
" No honey you didn't fail him..he just needs to find a reason to live and he will in due time so for now, just be there for him." she whispered sweetly and reminded me on how I fell in love with her.
I knew she was right but for some reason this was going to be one hell of a journey.




Nick's POV

I withdrew my self in a fetal position withering to the nothing that I am.
Thinking of Lauren and dreaming she was here with me. I spent the first few hours in Crisis pacing the room and the next few laying around hoping death would steal my soul.
A different nurse came in the room with a covered tray and a distinct smell emit from it. my stomach churned ungrateful.
" Hello Nick..I brought you some dinner." she suggested and passed the tray to me.
Sinking toward the other side wanting no one around me..I was a dangerous monster that could snap at anytime.
" i'm not hungry." I mumbled and she bent down to feel my forehead brimming wit heat.
" well it does appear that you are sick." she obviously stated..thank you for that.
" But you haven't touched your food..if you don't eat soon honey we would need to admit you to the hospital."
I growled burying myself further down...I don't feel good.
Can these people not understanding how it is for me?
Can they clearly see I just ant to die and nothing more or less.
The nurse walked out with the tray...probably downloading information of me not wanting to out anything into my body.
Kelly, her name by the way, came back in and this time she had medication.
Moaning, I reluctantly slid up to hold my hand out. Taking in three pills and a swig of water. her smile returned.
" good Nick..I will be back later to give you some food." she said sternly as I fell back against the bed when she was gone, spitting out the pills and threw them on the floor.
I should sleep i groaned hoping that would make me feel better but I doubted my resolve.
Her presence washed upon me and a playful smile danced on me. Thinking back to the day I proposed to her..wanting so bad to call her my wife. I kept those those memories in me as I swim brightly.


my hands gripped the steering on the boat as Lauren was perched nearby, questioning my motive.
" Nick where are we going?" she giggled as I pressed a finger to my lip.
" it's a surprise Boose."
Lauren untied her beautiful hair allowing it to cascade around her..sunlight quivering onto her perfect features. I had this ring for months searching for a passionate moment to envelop her my special trust.
It was a 10 caret pear=shaped ring/...I mean really big cuz she deserves nothing but the best.
I was planning on proposing to her in the Keys but suddenly a sputtering choke from the boat almost ruined the big trip and damn i was determined.
" Baby..the boat.." Lauren pointed I jumped up willing do do anything.
" Don't worry..I can fix it." as I heard her sigh.
After I got it to run smoothly again resting on the tip of the island. I held out Lauren's hand out of the boat and led her to the most lovely sot with our dogs at our ankles.
I stared delving in her eyes, still holding her hand. Five years of dating I was ready to take it to another level.
" Lauren..I love you more than anything else in the world..will you..will you marry me!." As I got down on one knee and opened the black box..revealing all my love for her.
Her excitment burst and her fingers plastering to her cheeks in shock. My smile curves wider.
" Yes!! Of course U will marry you!!" as I slip the ring on her finger ans shared an amazing kiss to my soon to be wife....


I reopened the wounds..motionless and crying as if that whole day could be reborn again.
If Lauren was not six feet under but here with me as she should be.
A shiver ran along my body as i piled the blanket on me, swinging my arms over my head.
" I love you Boose.." I sadly said and again I dream with her...waiting for me.
Chapter 11 Emerald Lace by delicate_creature
Author's Notes:
things are about to get strange..enjoy! ;)
Throbbing, I shifted again to relapse on sleep but apparently it was not working for me.
I still refused food and also throwing away my meds as if it was the poison to continue my suffering.
or at least that what I agreed upon.
The wasted life I wanted didn't feel so good, I was so weak I could barely get up, never mind sit up,
and not to mention I am also sick, a fever drumming on my waxed skin, i felt like i was already withering away.
" Hello? Nick?" Trina asked quietly, coming again for another attempt at a failed tactic. I rolled over and flattened myself underneath the thinly made sheet..praying it was earth instead.
She set down the tray and enveloped her hands across my forehead, apparently seeing how weak I was, I heard her leave probably getting Lisa.
I groaned, damn another hospital trip I silently screamed.
Lisa inspected me and phoned another staff to urgently call the ambulance. She flushed her hand through my soaked hair, her eyes of sympathy was not a chosen omen for me..more like death.
" Nick? Can you hear me?"
I slowly nodded and try to speak but ended up foaming out in gurgles and tormented moans.
" Ok, we have an ambulance coming now to take you to the hospital, do you understand sweetie?" she desperatly asked and again I nodded, not even bothering to talk. She fastened her head up to the paramedics who actually got here pretty fast and put me on the bed.
Pushing an oxygen mask over my nose, it felt like blurry amount of hours passed as I dazed in and out, waiting for a tight binding to set my soul gone.
The doctor finally came in and introduced himself, and took a hold on my chart to give me the news on my condition.
" Hello, my name is Dr. Thomas, it appears you are extremely dehydrated and malnourished, also you had a slight shock when it seems you stopped taking your prescriptions." he sternly told me, newspaper of beeps and breathing became my new gossip.
" So we are going to give you some fluids and feed you through a tube to get some nutrients into your system...given your condition you are required to stay here for a day or so until you are better..any questions?" he concluded and weakly shook my head as he left.
Lisa came running in and was by my side, informing me they will only release me to her to make sure I go straight back to the hospital.
There was no escape for the sick i suppose.
They inserted the feeding tube down my throat which burned as tears and felt so uncomfortable.
How did I end up like this?
Wasn't my life bad enough or so it appears to be.
I shut my body out, thinking a nap would help this pain go away...both physical and emotionally.



A couple days after, or I thought a few hours later, turns out I slept longer than intended and started to feel better.
I jumped when I saw a nurse making her rounds to see if I needed anything but told her I was fine..just wanted to be alone.
Lisa came back and held out a few loose pages of paperwork, telling me I will be released tomorrow seeing how I had improved far quickly than expected.
Yay for me.
She shuffled her arms together like a pathetic deck of cards and studied me As Kevin would do and a smile broke upon that tough horizon of hers.
" The more you refuse Nick, the longer it will be needed to tend to your care...you are just prolonging it even more than necessary..we all want the best of you, you know." She completed and gave me a loving hug..
I knew she was right but didn't want to admit it quite yet.
I mean yes I wanted to get better but for what and for who? i already lost the love of my life and the other guys have their own families to tend to....we are not going to discuss mine for well you already know how that goes.
I slumbered again, waiting for my answer to come to me as it may as well be the perfect fitting on life.


Released from the hospital and going to the loony one, I unexpectedly let out such a laughter, it really felt amazing.
Lisa turned to face me in the driver's seat and poured her joy.
" I am glad to see your flashing that wonderful smile." she sweetly said, patting my back life a gift and i blushed secretly.
Yes I did feel so much better and started to have a positive outlook.
Maybe that is what i needed, a bitter taste of reality before I could really feel life at my heels.
Drifting..into the paradise I truly belong in.


Of course I had to remain in Crisis for another 24 hours until i was really better to get back to my old room but as a reward or something Lisa said I can spend some time outside..which is great for me.
I am in need to feel the sun's warm hand touch my own and breath the fresh air to remind myself that life is worth living for...simple reminders that seem no longer a punishment.
I decided to perch myself underneath an oak tree to relax and get a load off my mind.
I only had a little while so i wanted to make the most of it.
Suddenly tho I felt the air above me whipping around and something feathery landing on my head.
I dreary flopped my hand over my head and felt a weird parchment of some sort.
You know that lace that people sometimes decorates their table?
Well it was like that and green and small..shaped like a snowflake.
I glanced up to find the source but felt empty when no answers were given to me.
sighing..I peeked into the perfectly folded crest and saw a fancy handwriting scribbled in crimson ink..it read:



" Like a trinket in nightly bell
you may here a shadowed voice tell
just go into darkness that may sell
and we will help your soul to dwell"


What the fuck? Was this like a limerick or something.
I then had a weird feeling again, I felt as if someone had stepped inside me and lingering there, awaiting to receive my message.
I allowed my wondering to disappears as I tucked the green lace into my pocket and I heard Lisa calling me to come in.
Dinner time.


Scarfing down my plate, when i was in my room, the nurse took it away and i sat alone, pulling the note out and kept re reading it's contents like a special message meant for me.
I thumbed the fine print and suprised it was bumpy...was it made from wax or something.
trina startled me with my mind to remind me lights out.
It feels so nice to be able to go back to my room tomorrow, I noticed a flicker of light emit from a tiny mirror piece on the phone..maybe streetlights or from a passing car.
Darkness enveloped me..as the note said it would but did not feel any dwelling for my soul.
It was probably a silly game or kinda a therapeutic sentiment from one of the staffs or something.
I started laughing, batting the nonsense that seemed creeping up but it was silenced when I hear an young woman's voice said.


" Hello Nickolas..my name is Lucille...."
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