I Got You

“So... – Nick announced as he entered in the room that was empty except for Brian, brow frowned and hands on his temple as he studied, once again, the sheet that was resting on his lap. Nick already knew he would have found Brian still there, the pressure of those two upcoming acoustic concerts building and pushing his anxiety to the point of not wanting to take a break until he was sure and certain that he could do it, that he could sing a whole song on his own with them only backing him up and doing the chorus. – I’ve finally decided the song for my solo.” He declared, sitting next to the man on the couch.

“Are you going to tell me or is it supposed to be a surprise?” Brian replied, turning his head slightly to smile at his lover before returning to those notes that, once upon a time, had seemed to come out so natural from his mouth. He shook his head, mentally kicking away those thoughts because they didn’t have a reason to exist anymore or, at least, holding that much power over him: the whole point of those concerts was to prove that he could still sing those old songs, simply adjusting the melody to his voice and not, certainly, digging another hole in his battered soul and confidence. Sensing Nick’s worried gaze burning a hole into him, Brian put a reassuring hand on his knee and return to his work, his smile never faltering.

“Better. – Nick replied, not failing to notice how Brian’s eyes had clouded for a mere second before returning to that clear blue he was finally getting used to stare and love once again. – I want you to back me up as a second voice. Kinda like a duet, you know? But before you freak and refuse, let me tell you which song and why I chose it and I’m sure you’ll agree with me.”

Slowly Brian turned his head towards Nick, a series of objections already lining up on his tongue so that they would be spoken. Even if he had acted courageous and brave on the outside, pleading his case to the other Boys and promising that he was more than ready for it, on the inside the mere thought of doing a song on his own was terrifying him, like there was a small and invisible demon that had found the strength to come out from his hiding in search of blood and skin to churn his confidence as if it was a weak prey, just barely able to raise its head after being held captive in the darkness for so many years. But one thing was trying, proving to himself and the world that he still could do it, another was backing up their strongest and most powerful voice. The first word that came up in his mind was... humiliating. But Brian immediately erased it because he knew that Nick would never be that shallow, he would never intentionally put him in a situation that could turn out to be a disaster and a catastrophe. He must have his own reasons and all Brian needed to do was just to trust him a little more and be a little less selfish and fearful, which sometimes was much easier said than done.

“Why?” Brian simply asked in the end, his attention for his song completely disappeared while he tried to contain doubts and anxiety. But it took just one look at Nick’s face, his blue eyes ruined by a line of worry, to tell him that he had failed: that was the downside when you were with your soul mates, you couldn’t hide anymore nor using all those tactics and masks that had worked so well in the past.

“I know it’s a strange decision, especially since it isn’t actually a group song. But... It’s one of the few songs that I’ve always loved from my first album and I think, no sorry, I believe it’s perfect for us. To describe us, how we managed to stay strong and together throughout everything we’ve been through. Not just the past years but all of it, our entire relationship since the first time we met, back when we didn’t even know how much important and vital we would become for each other’s survival.”

“But...” Brian tried to interrupt, put up a protest in a kind of way because he was still not quite sure Nick’s idea could ever work but... but it just took meeting Nick’s gaze, so focused on his face and determined not to let him win, not to let his own fears and doubts win, and Brian knew that he couldn’t say no. And, surprisingly, he found out that he didn’t want to say no. He wanted to do it, he wanted to sing as much as possible, especially if it meant singing finally with the love of his life.

And Nick was proud of his idea and decision, proud of being able to find something that could, in a way, be a statement of their relationship; Nick was proud that, finally, his words had managed to melt every inch of Brian’s fierce resistance because, in the end, they were true: that song really and truly managed to wrap in its verses their story, how they went from strangers to best friends, from best friends to strangers slash enemies until the distance had been cleared and their two world had melted into one, a galaxy that belonged to them and their love. Those words were true because although there had been so many battle, and although they had left behind and lost fragments of life and identity, in the end they had found them still standing on the ruins of the battlefield. Stronger and more conscious of how they were better together, how they could move mountains and conquer everything if they worked as a team.

“I want to sing I Got You. – Nick just said, dismissing Brian’s protest with a peak on the lips. – I want to sing that song with you because, after all these years and after all the battles we fought, sometimes against each other but most of the times together, we still got each other. I still got you.” A red warmth painted Nick’s cheeks, that crack in his voice making him feeling vulnerable and emotional even though he had tried not to think about all the times he had lost Brian because of his own stupidity and immaturity, the times they lost each other because they couldn’t find a middle ground and muddle their differences. But, amid all those memories, there was one that stood out, still painful because its echoes were still ghosts floating inside his mind reminding Nick when he had almost lost Brian: he still got goose bumps and trembles thinking about it, his hands still moved and circled the other man’s wrist as if he needed to remind himself that he was there with him, physically there with him. And that was the reason why he wanted, no, desired so badly to sing that song with him: he had made mistakes, sometimes he had let himself be fooled by Brian being a master in hiding how badly things had gone and sometimes he had let himself be taken away by his own career and projects.

Yet, fear aside, Brian was there. With him.

Nick still got him by his side, cheering and supporting him even when he thought that he was doing too many things together and tried to slow him down, take a breath and decide what was more important and leave the rest for the future; Nick got Brian by his side even, and especially, when the man didn’t agree with some of his choices and wasn’t that shy not to show his disapproval or disappoint, even though now their discussions and fights always ended up bringing them more closer and more honest to each other.

No matter what and almost being grateful for what they had been through, Nick still and would always got Brian.

A lump was trying so hard to make its way through Brian’s throat, blocking air and words to come out. Yet, it didn’t matter because it wasn’t their time, because sometimes certain things were better left unsaid without diminishing their importance. Sometimes even a kiss wasn’t the right answer, like it didn’t belong to a moment when a lot of baggage, finally, was finding its way to disappear from their shoulders and from their life. Tugging Nick’s closer to him, Brian wrapped its arms around his neck, feeling the moment when all the tension left his body and Nick melted into him, as if he had always been afraid of daring telling those words or showing that side of him that he had always tried to conceal and hide under the appearance of someone who didn’t want something stable, who didn’t want to show how mature and grown up he had become: that Nick that Brian had always seen and tried to reach, that small Nick that had always wanted somewhere to belong and someone who belonged to him through thick and thin; someone to care for, although it had taken them a lot of fights and discussions, though Brian hadn’t let it happen so easily and smoothly because in the back of his mind there was always the fear and doubt to be left alone just like the first time he had his armor down and show the younger how weak and afraid he was. Years, decades later, Brian was starting to smooth that side of him, putting more and more faith and trust in Nick when his strength would start to falter because it was too much being the strongest one while he needed to be held and told that everything would be alright.

Yet, they made it work. Yet, they had managed to work through the scars and the hurt they had caused each other, coming out on the other side stronger and closer that they could ever be. Yet, as Nick wanted to sing to the world, they always had each other’s back, fighting when it was necessary and defending and supporting the other when everything was falling apart, when their own world had been so close to be shattered because it had been too much, because both of them had been tired to fight a war that hadn’t seem to be over.

And maybe it would never be over. That fight. That endless war between Brian and his own brain, the anxiety that sometimes seemed to have understood that it needed to lay off and stay away and, other times, just loved to play with his voice and try to bring him underwater and in that dark place that now seemed and looked so distant and far away from him and his world. Not only because now Brian was holding Nick and those thoughts, those fears and those ideas, never dared anymore to come closer when those arms where wrapped tightly around his waist, when a soft and warm breathing was caressing his neck and love swept through those two bodies, souls and hearts that fate, destiny and will power had decided to bring together and hold them together even under and through the most powerful storms.

Nick got Brian but the same could be said for Brian: he got Nick, he had got Nick during one of the hardest time of his life and that proof of support and love had been enough to erase all the memories and the echoes of a different time and past.

Brian got Nick, no matter what.

“It will be a honor, for me, singing that song with you.” Brian gently whispered into Nick’s ear, the scent of a stream of tears that no one was going to brush off because, for once, they didn’t hold pain or heartache. Hands found each other, clasping and holding on to like all their strength depended and could be shared only between that contact; fingers slowly caressed the skin, gently and sweetly, forming and drawing circles and words that the heart already knew: I love you.

I got you.