Brian Littrell shifted uncomfortably in the seat he'd been confined to all evening.

"And we are live from Radio City Music Hall - this is the MTV music awards!"

The audience applauded as Chris Rock introduced the show after the commercial break. Brian glanced down at his watch. Only another hour of this drivel to go. It wouldn't have been so bad if they weren't the laughing stock of the evening.

"Up next we've got a performance from an up and coming male artist," Chris laughed, looking out into the crowd. "I know what you're thinking, there's only one of them? But, I think we can all agree that we've seen enough of boy groups for a little while."

Brian and Howie both exchanged a glance and plastered smiles on their faces. All four of the boys did, really. Because surely the camera was going to be pointing straight at them after that comment. So they laughed like it was hilarious. Like they weren't the laughing stock of the evening.

Brian fought the urge to look down at his watch again. Not like much time had passed anyway.

"Anyway, enough of that. Here's Nick Carter with his debut single - I Need You Tonight."

The lights went dim and soft piano music began to play. Bran scratched his head as he watched. He didn't think he'd heard this song before. Not like he had much time to listen to the radio anyway. And even when they did, he didn't give it much attention. He spent most of that time listening for Nsync or other groups that might be leeching off their sound.

The piano continued and a blonde boy in dark dress pants,and a black sweater walked out. His hair was slicked back, but a few stray strands hung over his forehead.

"Kev," Brian leans over, not taking his eyes off the stage. "Who is that?"

"They just said his name was Nick Carter," Kevin whispered back. He placed a finger over his lips. "Shhh."

Brian ignored him, as he usually tended to do. "Yeah, but, who is he? Have you heard of him?"

Kevin shook his head. "No, I haven't."

Brian shifted back in his chair and watched as he - Nick Carter, apparently, started to sing.

"Open up... your heart to me..."

Brian took in a slow breath as he listened to him. His voice was powerful. Maybe not the most on point or perfected, but it had a lot of passion behind it. And it showed. Nick stood there gripping the microphone with his eyes closed, licking his lips and singing each word like it would kill him if he didn't.

Brian couldn't help but be mesmerized by him.

* * *

Nick drew in a breath before every line of the song. This was actually his first live performance and even though he'd rehearsed it dozens of times, he was still nervous as hell. He couldn't even look out at the crowd. He just held the microphone as tight as he could, close to his lips as his sang.

"I need you tonight..."

His eyes were squeezed shut. He literally had the last bit of the chorus left and his heart was beating so fast he thought it was probably going to break out of his chest at any moment.

"I need you right now..."

Even though he already had his record deal and his first single out, he still felt like everything was riding on this performance. If he fucked this up, that would be it. Sure, everything would probably still go on as planned. He'd finish up his album, release it, go do some appearances on MTV and maybe do a tour. But he had to prove to the world that he could actually sing. That he was talented and not just some flash in the pan who would be gone after a year or two.

"I know deep within my heart..."

Because that was exactly his intention when he'd signed on with the Mickey Mouse Club. Instant fame and a guarantee that he had a job. A guarantee that he had money coming in for his family to use. For a while it worked - he had pay cheques coming in and his parents took every last one of them to support themselves and his four younger siblings. He worked his ass off for two years until the show got cancelled.

"It doesn't matter if it's wrong or right..."

And then this came along. A record contract was dropped in his lap as soon as the show was over. A chance to actually do something more mature and showcase his talent instead of performing on a kids show day in and day out with no room for growth or improvement. A chance to perform live and tour and see the world. He'd finally be able to get away from his family. Because if his money wasn't enough to stop his parents from fighting all the time, nothing was. The only option he had was to get away and go at it alone.

"I really need you... tonight..." he held onto the last word for longer than he did on the track, giving it everything he had. When he opened his eyes the bright lights almost blinded him. He was sweating from head to toe and they had nothing to do with it. He took in a breath - it was steadier this time.

Everyone out in the crowd was clapping for him. Sure, it wasn't a standing ovation. But that was to be expected. It wasn't like there were any fans here. He wasn't even sure he actually had any, to be honest. This was a professional event and everyone was going to be courteous. But it was still a good feeling.

He waved out to the crowd then walked off the stage. He tried to ignore whatever comment Chris Rock was going to make about him, but that was almost impossible.

"Well that Nick Carter. Got the voice of an angel, doesn't he?" Chris paused to laugh, because that was a joke, apparently. "Sounds like he could be one of the Backstreet Boys."

Nick rolled his eyes as he headed to his dressing room to change. He told himself that it was just a joke, no one was going to take that seriously.

Still, it stung.

* * *

Brian sipped at his rum and coke as he glanced around the room. The awards show was over, but the night was still young. Part of this whole MTV Music Awards business was attending the after party and mingling with everyone else in the industry.

He didn't have that much interest in doing that. Especially since he was without his girlfriend at the moment. Leighanne was back at their house in Atlanta and he would have much rather been on the phone with her than rubbing shoulders with the rich and famous.

"Rok," AJ said, placing a hand on his shoulder. "How's it going, buddy?"

Brian shrugged. AJ looked like he was three sheets to the wind already, which wasn't surprising. Out of the four of them in the group, he was the one that lived the most for this kind of thing. Picking up girls and making all sorts of contacts. Even if none of those relationships lasted more than a night.

"Missing Leigh?" he laughed. He kept his hand on Brian's shoulder, but he was still glancing around the room and not giving him his full attention.

"Yeah," Brian replied quickly, but AJ ignored him. Instead held out his hand (which was clutching his drink) and ushered someone to come over to them.

Brian followed AJ's gaze and he quickly figured it out. The boy walking towards them was the same one who was on stage earlier. The same one whose performance dazzled him. Whose voice silenced the entire room.

Nick Carter. His blonde hair was still slicked back and he had a coy, yet somehow shy smile playing on his lips. He was wearing different clothes than he was on stage - still opting for the dress pants but just wearing a white button-down shirt now instead of the black sweater he was wearing on stage.

"Brian, this is Nick," AJ said once he was standing in front of the two of them.

Nick reached his hand out to Brian. Brian took it, swallowing carefully and gripping his hand tightly for a moment before letting go.

"Nick's from Orlando too," AJ explained, reaching up and patting him on the shoulder. Nick didn't look it on stage, but he was considerably taller than the two of them.

"Tampa, actually," Nick said, his voice a lot softer than it was when he was singing.

"Right, right." AJ nodded, glancing at Brian. Brian tore his eyes away from Nick's blue ones and listened as AJ continues on. "Howie and I used to see him at auditions all the time. He was such a little kid then, like ten years old with a squeaky voice. Look at him now!" AJ laughed.

Yeah, look at him now. Brian bit the inside of his cheek as he stared at Nick. Tall, blonde, voice of an angel. Not a squeaky-voiced little kid, or however AJ described him. Brian couldn't even picture that. Not in the least.

Nick just shrugged his shoulders, looking down at AJ. "I guess," he said.

"Got a record deal and everything," AJ blabbed on and on, like Nick was his long lost little brother or something. Maybe he was. Brian didn't really know.

"That's great," Brian finally got out, because he was standing here for a couple of minutes looking at him and he figured he should probably say something. Instead of just staring. Which he mentally berated himself for. What the hell was so great about this guy anyway?

Nick looked down at Brian and grinned. Ugh, even his smile lit up his whole face. His teeth were perfect, except for one on the top left side that wasn't. Which just added more to his stupid charm. "Thanks," he said.

"Your performance was great too," Brian continued, babbling on because now that he started he can't stop himself. "The song's really good. Suits your voice."

Nick turned his head to the side a bit, looking slightly embarrassed. Brian cursed himself for going too far. He probably should have just congratulated him on having a record deal and left it at that.

"Let's go find Howie," AJ said, cutting into their conversation. It didn't even seem like he noticed how awkward all of this was. He was looking around, holding his drink in his hand and being halfway removed from the moment. Just like he always was these days.

"Yeah," Nick replied, following AJ as they turned to walk away. But not before he glanced back at Brian. "Nice to meet you, Brian," Nick said, flashing Brian another one of those million dollar smiles.

"You too," Brian said quietly, but Nick didn't hear him. His palms are sweating and his heart was beating quickly in his chest. He sighed and walked off to go find himself a drink. Lord knows he needed it.

“Dude, did you see that?” AJ laughed, hitting Brian in the chest to get his attention. “Look at Kevin.”

Brian looked up. A month later, and they were standing at the MTV Europe Music awards. He was tired and overwrought and they'd only been in the hotel for five minutes to check in after their flight before being whisked off to the arena.

So he was sure he wasn't going to think whatever AJ had to show him was funny. But he looked up anyway and listened as AJ continued to laugh.

AJ pointed at Kevin, who was wiping his eyes. “He popped the lid on his thermos wrong and it hit him in the eye when he was drinking.” AJ gripped Brian's shoulder and doubled over with laughter again.

Brian rolled his eyes and looked at Kevin. Kevin just shook his head and continued drinking - sans incident, this time. Everyone dealt with jetlag differently, he figured.

And once again they were in Europe for what seemed like five seconds. They were here for the awards and the next morning they were back on a plane to the states to continue with promo.

Now they were standing backstage and waiting for the curtain to come up so they could start their performance. Brian took a deep breath. This was always the most nerve-wracking part. Not the concerts and not the TV shows and not the interviews. The awards show performances where everyone else in the industry was watching and judging.

Maybe not really judging. Not to their faces, anyway. But it was still nerve-wracking.

The stagehand looked at them and held up her hand. Three... two... one.

The boys walked out on stage and there were a few scattered screams, but not nearly as many as they were used to. Brian scolded himself for thinking that - they were lucky to just be here. And of course it wasn't going to be as energetic as one of their shows.

He stepped up to the mic and took a deep breath as they went into As Long As You Love Me. “Although loneliness has always been a friend of mine, I'm leavin' my life in your hands...”

Little did Brian know, Nick was watching them from the audience. Or maybe he did know, but he didn't know that Nick was on the edge of his seat, hanging onto every word.

Nick's eyes were wide as he strained to listen. Not like it was hard, but the acoustics in there weren't great. They weren't meant for live performances - instead they were optimized for the viewers at home. But Nick didn't care about that.

He swallowed a little bit as he watched Brian sing. Sure, he'd heard this song on the radio before. That and the other one - what was it called? Quit Playing Games? They were only spun every five minutes, it seemed like. But anyone could sound good on a track.

Standing here on the stage, belting out the lyrics, Brian sounded better than the track. The recording had the power in his voice toned down, modelled for radio. Standing here, holding onto the mic and crooning out the words, Brian proved himself to be a more powerful vocalist than any car radio speakers would ever allow.

Nick ran a hand through his hair and looked down at his feet as he absorbed the song.

“I've tried to hide it so that no one knows...”

Jesus Christ, he had it bad. The boys were walking off stage when he looked back up, but just when he thought they were gone, they were back again. The bass line was hard and they were going into something more upbeat.

Nick couldn't help but dance in his seat a little bit to it. He didn't think he'd actually heard this one before. Maybe it was new? That was ambitious, given they already had two songs that were dominating the world.

He couldn't tear his eyes away from them. From him. The song slowed to a halt after a couple of minutes, and Nick's breath caught in his throat. Because the spotlight was on Brian and Brian alone.

“So everybody everywhere... don't be afraid don't have no fear...”

Nick snorted a little bit at that. Fat chance of that happening. Not with Brian standing there looking like a literal angel right in front of him.

“I'm gonna tell the world make it understand...”

Nick chewed at the inside of his mouth. No fucking way. He couldn't tell anybody.

“As long as there'll be music we'll be coming back again...”

And just like that the music amped back up and the boys were dancing again. But Nick's mind was still lost of Brian. Still stuck on the moment before where he was the only one on stage, or at least the only one in that moment who mattered.

Nick's hands were shaking by the time the song ended. He had to see him again.

* * *

Nick wasn't much of a praying man, but he thanked god profusely that he wasn't performing that night. It would've been shit after watching the Backstreet Boys. His mind was completely clouded.

After the show, there was the afterparty. There always was and after grabbing himself a drink, downing it, and grabbing another, he walked around in search of Brian.

Or at least, in search of AJ and Howie, who could lead him there. That was probably the better plan.

Thankfully he didn't have to look very hard. He walked around and looked at all the tables, finally seeing Brian and AJ sitting together at one, along with Howie and the other guy in their group.

Nick took a deep breath. You're stupid. His brain screamed at him. What're you thinking is gonna happen? Probably nothing. He didn't care. Maybe that was better anyway. Because if something did happen and someone found out about it?

Dead wasn't even the word to describe it.

“Hey,” he said, trying to smile and play it cool. He glanced at Brian for half a second before fixing his gaze on AJ. Because that's who he was here to see. Definitely. Yup.

AJ grinned and stood up from his chair as soon as he looked up. “Nick! Man!” he exclaimed, pulling Nick in for a tight hug. “You're here too? This is fuckin' great. Can I get you a drink? Don't you love fuckin' Europe?” he laughed on and on and Nick just grinned awkwardly. It seemed like AJ already had his fair share of drinks, but that was fine. “Fuckin' Europe no one's gonna give me shit about having a drink...” AJ hit Nick in the chest and wandered off with a laugh.

“Sit down, Nick,” Howie said, motioning for Nick to take AJ's empty seat. The one beside Brian.

“Uh, yeah,” Nick laughed, sitting down. He glanced over at Brian and smiled. Fuck, he was going to die. He was definitely not going to make it. “I saw your performance,” he said, turning to look at Howie instead. “As long as you love me... baybay...” he sang, purposely making his voice overly high-pitched.

Fuck, he was so awkward. The only thing he knew how to do was make stupid jokes. Where the hell was AJ with that drink?

Howie rolled his eyes. “Shut up.”

But to Nick's surprise, Brian agreed with him. “He's got a point, dude,” he laughed, leaning over the table, right in front of Nick, and looking at Howie.

Nick gulped.

“You do kinda sound like that,” Brian continued on, looking up at Nick with a smile and then leaning back into his own seat.

“Yeah!” Nick exclaimed, looking over at Brian gratefully. “And like, okay, this is weird,” Nick kept on laughing as he looked at the other boys. Brian was looking at him intently, Howie had a raised eyebrow, clearly ready to be unamused by whatever Nick said next and the other boy... Nick didn't know what to think about him, so he avoided looking at him.

“Okay,” Nick continued laughing. “I have a weird question.” His voice was starting to go into that high-pitched tone that it did when he was nervous. “You got that song like... Backstreet's Back, or whatever?”

He glanced at Brian. Brian just nodded. His eyes were totally focused on Nick, and Nick had to peel himself away from staring at them.

“Yeah... but like, your other songs are so fuckin' popular. Where'd y'all go?” Nick snorted like this revelation was the most hilarious thing in the world. Brian laughed along with him and Howie couldn't help but laugh as well.

“It's actually our first single off our second album in Europe,” the older boy sitting next to Howie said, leaning over and giving Nick a look.

Nick swallowed, but continued to giggle a little bit with a smirk on his face.

“Oh come on, Kev,” Brian laughed, leaning over in front of Nick again. This time he placed his hand on Nick's knee to stabilize himself. Nick stopped laughing, but he kept that smile plastered on his face. “It doesn't make a whole lot of sense at home. Admit it.”

“I guess,” Kevin said, smiling a little bit and looking at Nick.

Nick just shrugged, still smiling. Because Brian was still fucking touching him and his heart was beating so fast he thought he might pass out.

Luckily AJ chose that moment to show up with their drinks. He placed what looked like a rum and Coke in front of Nick and sat down in the empty seat on the other side of Brian. “Wha'd I miss, fellas?” he asked, taking a long swig of his own drink.

Brian sat back up and pulled his hand away from Nick. That was probably good, Nick figured, even if he was sort of disappointed by it.

“Nick's making fun of our songs,” Howie said, giving AJ a look.

“Oh yeah?” AJ asked, tiling his head and looking at Nick over his sunglasses. “At least we've got more than one.”

“I've got more than one!” Nick protested, taking a large sip of his drink. He had to fight to not make a face - did AJ get him a double? Jesus.

“Uh huh,” AJ laughed, finishing up his drink. “I neeeeeed you toniiiiiight,” he half sang, half screeched.

“I don't sound like that,” Nick said, crossing his arms over his chest. “Not even a little bit.”

“Whatever, dude.”

Luckily, Howie changed the subject before this got worse. “How's the album going?”

Nick shrugged. “Yeah, good. Almost done. I actually wrote with that guy you guys wrote with. Max.”

“Oh yeah?” Brian sat up glancing over at Nick. “What did you guys write?”

“Uh...” Nick started, sipping at the rest of his drink. “It's like... a ballad... kinda?” He licked his lips. “It goes like. You came and changed what I believe in. The world on the outside's tryin' to pull me in... but they can't touch me 'cause I've got you...” He shrugged a little but when he was done singing the line. “Yeah,” he said awkwardly, shuffling his feet.

“It's really good,” Brian said to him, nodding his head and keeping his eyes fixated on Nick.

“You heard one line!” AJ laughed from the other side of the table. “C'mon!”

Nick couldn't help but laugh at that. That, and he had to keep his cool because Brian was starting to get too close again and it kept messing with his head.

“Yeah,” Nick laughed and then stood up. “I'm getting another drink. Anyone? AJ?”

“Jack and Coke,” AJ said quickly.

Nick nodded and then walked off, taking a deep breath. This wasn't so bad. He'd just drink and hang out with the guys and everything would be fine. Nothing had to happen.

* * *

Brian didn't know how many drinks he had, hell he didn't know how many drinks Nick had. But by the end of the night, he was feeling pretty good.

“Early flight tomorrow boys,” Kevin said, standing up from his seat. “Maybe it's time to call it a night.”

Brian kept on giggling and looking over at Nick. He didn't even remember what they were on about. Just that it was funny, and Nick was laughing and he had a smile that lit up the fucking room.

“Brian,” Kevin said louder, trying to get his attention. Normally Brian wasn't this aloof, and he could tell his cousin was frustrated with him. But he also didn't really care at the moment.

“Yeah, yeah,” Brian said, looking up at him. “You're right, let's go.” He glanced over at Nick. Nick was just looking at him. His blonde hair was falling in front of his face a little bit. Probably on account of Nick running his hand through it all night. It was probably soft. Brian wiggled his fingers together a little bit, imagining was Nick's hair would feel like tangled up in them. And because he was drunk he didn't even fight the thought.

“Where're you staying?” he asked.

“Uh,” Nick said, glancing up at Kevin and the others. “Art Hotel.” Then he smirked. “Just like everyone else.”

“Everyone was put up at that hotel,” Kevin said, giving Brian a look.

“Oh yeah, right,” Brian laughed. “Okay, well you might as well ride back with us then.”

Kevin seemed to accept that. As long as they were getting back to the hotel he obviously didn't care who went with them. So the five of them walked out to the limousine area and got into one.

Nick slid in easily beside Brian, leaning his head against his shoulder. “I'm tired,” he mumbled.

Brian just laughed. “The hotel's five minutes away.”

“Yeah.”

Brian looked over at the others. Kevin and Howie were sitting across from him. AJ was sitting beside Nick, just looking out the tinted window. He looked back over at Kevin and nodded his head down towards Nick a little. He rolled his eyes to try and show him that he thought this kid was ridiculous.

The reality was anything but, but Kevin didn't have to know that. He couldn't know that.

They pulled up in front of the hotel. “I'm gonna take him to his room,” Brian said, giving Kevin a glance. As soon as the words left his mouth, his heart skipped a beat. And it had nothing to do with his stupid murmur. “He's all by himself,” he added, trying not to make it seem too suspicious.

“Yeah Kevin,” Nick laughed, putting a pout on his face. “All by himself.”

Kevin rolled his eyes. “Whatever. Night.”

With that they went off in opposite directions, with Nick and Brian off in search of Nick's room. Nick fumbled with the key for a minute before opening the door. “Yeah... well...” Nick said awkwardly, walking into the dark room.

Brian took a deep breath. He knew he should leave. He should have just laughed and said goodnight and left it at that. He'd see Nick at another awards show or something. He didn't have to follow him into his fucking room.

Except that was exactly what he was doing - walking in behind Nick and closing the door behind him. He stood there for a second, breathing hard and looking at Nick. Nick was inches away from him and before Brian could say another word, Nick threw his lips on his.

Brian's head was spinning and his brain was screaming at him. But that didn't stop him from kissing Nick back. Oh, and reaching up and finally touching his hair. Which wasn't as soft as he expected it to be, and it was sort of wet at the roots probably from how warm it had been in the arena. Brian didn't really care.

“Sorry,” Nick said suddenly, breaking their kiss. “Sorry, sorry, sorry.”

Brian just pulled Nick back onto him by the collar of his shirt. “It's fine,” he said breathlessly before kissing him again.

Nick wasn't a great kisser. That didn't matter. Brian let him kiss him and push him against the door of the hotel room. As much as he'd hated to admit it to himself, he'd been waiting for the the moment Nick sat down at their table.

Brian winced as Nick pulled away from him again. “I...” Nick started, and then glanced over to the bed.

Brian just nodded his head eagerly and watched as Nick climbed onto the hotel mattress. He was way too far gone for this boy - that was the only thought on his mind as he let himself fall on top him and start to kiss him again.

He was so drunk and his head was spinning. The only thought that crossed his mind was Nick's hands, Nick's mouth, Nick's soft breaths.

Everything Nick was the only thing he could think about as the two of them clutched each other. Nothing else.

 Brian's mouth was dry when he woke up the next morning. He smacked his lips together and ran his tongue along the roof of his mouth. He swallowed, but it was no use. He drank too much and now his throat was like sandpaper.

He rolled over, pulling the rough hotel sheets closer up to him. There weren't many of them - in fact he had nothing. He pulled at them again. What the hell?

He peeled open his eyes and there laying beside him was Nick. His back was facing him and his blonde hair was a dishevelled mess, but there he was. Just as Brian had left him the night before.

Brian gulped. His stomach dropped. Everything came rushing back. The drinks, the laughing, the limo and his stupid idea to innocently walk Nick to his hotel room.

Yeah, right.

Obviously that wasn't all that had happened, and Brian remembered it clearly. This boy was laying here beside him, sleeping it all off. Like they hadn't drank half the bar and spent half the night kissing and touching each other.

“Fuck,” Brian swore, sitting up and putting his head in his hands. He had to get out of here. Then he glanced over at the clock. 7:40am. “Fuck,” he said, louder this time. He had to be awake and showered and ready to go to the airport in twenty minutes.

Of course Brian wasn't exactly being quiet and Nick stirred. Brian clutched the sheets, trying to stay perfectly still so Nick wouldn't wake up. Because then he could just get out of here and as much as he knew that was a shitty thing to do the alternative was so much worse.

But Nick didn't stay asleep. Instead he rolled over. He kept his head lazily on the pillow as he opened his eyes. “Hey,” he said softly, his voice raw.

“Hey...” Brian said uneasily. How could he have let this happen?

But Nick surprised him. He rolled onto his back and rubbed his eyes with his thumb and forefinger. “Look, you don't have to say anything...”

Brian swallowed, a dry lump forcing its way back down his throat. Just because it had to be this way didn't mean he really wanted it to be. Instead of them having an easy morning after, the sexual tension was thicker than it ever had been.

“We probably shouldn't have...” Nick started slowly, darting his eyes over to Brian.

“I have a girlfriend,” Brian cut him off. He didn't even know why - maybe Nick was testing him. Hoping that he'd tell him that everything was fine and that this was fine and that they could see each other again. But they couldn't. They definitely couldn't.

Nick just looked at him for a second with narrowed eyes. “Uh huh. Guess you better go then.” He rolled back over and pulled the sheets back over himself.

Brian sighed to himself. That was shitty - but what else could he do? It wasn't like it wasn't true. Plus he really did have to get going. He shuffled out of bed, quickly pulling on his clothes as he picked them up off them floor.

He took one final glance at Nick before walking out of the room and towards his own.

As luck would have it, when he made it to their floor Howie was walking towards him holding a cup of coffee. “Brian?” he asked cautiously, looking him up and down. Obviously he noticed he was wearing the same clothes as the night before.

Brian gulped. “Morning.”

“Walk of shame?” Howie laughed.

Brian took in a deep breath. Maybe Howie was like that. And AJ. And Kevin. But he wasn't. He really wasn't - especially not with another guy!

“When did you go back out?” Howie laughed. And Brian clued in - he must have thought he'd gone to find a girl after they'd all come back to the hotel.

“I uh... I didn't...” Brian said lamely, and then he berated himself. Maybe it was better to just let Howie think that. “I just fell asleep in Nick's room.”

Howie gave him a look. “Are you sure?” he asked with a bit of a laugh. “Come on, I won't tell Leigh.”

Brian just laughed. He forced everything he had into it. Because Howie couldn't know that he was right on the mark. Even if it seemed like he didn't suspect a thing about Nick.

“Oh, hey,” Kevin said, turning the corner and holding his own cup of coffee. “You're up.” He also gave Brian the once-over. Just like Howie had and then raised his eyebrow.

“I fell asleep in Nick's room,” Brian said, shrugging and holding up his hands like the two of them were crazy.

“He's lying,” Howie laughed, giving Kevin a knowing look. “There's girls everywhere, dude.”

“Yeah, but then he'd have been in his own room,” Kevin said, bailing Brian out.

“Right!” Brian said, pointing at Kevin. “Exactly!” Maybe he was a little too excited about that, but he didn't care. Kevin had just given him the perfect alibi, because the thought that he might've done anything with Nick wasn't even going to enter their minds, apparently. And Brian was fine with that. They didn't need to know, and he didn't need to remember, and everyone could just forget about that blonde guy who only had one song.

Brian swallowed. Or two songs. And the thought of Nick singing flashed through his mind again. “I gotta get ready for the flight,” he said, turning towards his room. He would just have a shower and get dressed and leave Europe and this whole mess would be behind him.

* * *

Nick sighed to himself after Brian left. He wasn't going to go back to sleep - he just made it look like that so Brian could have an easy escape. Because it was obvious he regretted being there. That the whole thing was just a drunken mistake.

As much as Nick hated it, he knew Brian was probably right. They couldn't get mixed up in a scandal together and destroy both of their careers in the process.

Still, Nick couldn't help but go over the events of the night before in his head. Brian had totally come onto him - hadn't he? Maybe Nick had sought him out by going over to their table. But Brian was all over him the whole night, touching his leg and shoulder as the two of them giggled together while the alcohol kept flowing.

And Brian was the one who suggested Nick go back to the hotel with him and the rest of his group. Brian was the one who declared he was going to Nick's room.

Okay - Nick was the one who kissed him. Fine. But as far as Nick could recall Brian was basically begging him to do it. Also - Nick stopped and Brian was the one who kept it all going.

So what the hell? Oh right, girlfriend. Nick groaned. Obviously Brian had a girlfriend before he started flirting with Nick, so why the hell even do that?

It didn't make any sense. Nick rolled over and stuffed his face into his pillow. The whole bed still smelled like Brian's cologne. Or maybe he was just imagining it. He didn't know - he didn't really care either. He just took a deep breath and relished in it for another moment.

Then he sat up.

He had to forget about this. He thought he was cute and he got what he wanted and now it was over. It couldn't go on anyway. Girlfriend or no girlfriend. Plus - potential scandal and life-ruining revelation of having a relationship with a guy aside - how could he have a long distance relationship anyway? He was on the go literally all the time.

He walked over to the window and opened the curtains. Light streamed into the room and burned his eyes, but he kept staring outside. He leaned his arm against the cool glass. Life was supposed to be easier when he was in a hotel room.

* * *

Brian leaned his head against the airplane window as they took off. He sighed to himself and closed his eyes. He didn't even feel tired - he probably should have considering how late he was up the night before, but he didn't.

This whole thing with Nick was a mess. The worst part was, it wasn't even a thing. It happened and now it was over. But that didn't stop Brian from replaying the entire evening over and over again in his mind.

Brian glanced up once the flight levelled off. He sighed - he was never one to keep this kind of thing inside. He always had to talk it out. So he stood up and walked over to where Kevin was sitting.

“Hey,” he said, leaning on Kevin's seat. He glanced over at AJ, who was sitting in the window seat beside him. “Can I sit with Kevin for a bit?”

AJ sighed, but he uncrossed his arms and shuffled past Kevin so that Brian could sit down. Once AJ was gone and presumably sitting in Brian's seat beside Howie, Brian sat down.

“What's up Cuz?” Kevin asked, still sort of flipping through the Dutch newspaper in his hands.

Brian sighed. “I spent the night with Nick last night,” he said, surprised at how easily the words came out. Probably because it was Kevin, and Kevin was easy to talk to. He thanked god that there were just two seats in each row so they had a bit of privacy.

“Yeah, I know,” Kevin said, still looking down at the paper. Brian rolled his eyes as he glanced down at the paper too. It wasn't like Kevin could speak Dutch or anything.

“No...” Brian said slowly. This was worse now because he was going to have to explain it. Why couldn't Kevin just get it? “I mean like...” he trailed off, hoping Kevin would just understand.

Kevin turned his head slowly towards Brian and sighed. He folded up the newspaper like he knew he wasn't going to be getting back to it anytime soon. “You slept with him,” he said, more like it was a statement than a question.

“No!” Brian held his hand up. “I mean... yeah, but not like...” he put his head in his hands. “We did a lot of other stuff, though,” he muttered. Maybe this wasn't going to be as easy as he thought, because his face felt like it was on fire.

Kevin sighed. “I knew y'all were getting along real well. I didn't realise it was like that.”

“Well it was,” Brian mumbled, pulling his hands away from his face and actually daring to look at Kevin. “I don't know how it happened,” he groaned putting his face in his hands again.

“Are you gonna break it off with Leigh?” Kevin asked. He was never one to beat around the bush.

Brian shook his head. No, that he was sure of. If nothing else, anyway.

“You're not.” Kevin leaned back in his seat. “You just spent the night with some guy-”

“He's not some guy,” Brian stressed, suddenly keen on defending Nick. Or defending himself from the accusation of sleeping with someone random, anyway. “AJ and Howie know him.”

“Yeah, well, you didn't.”

Brian shrugged. He supposed that was fair.

“You're just gonna go back home and pretend like nothing happened?”

Brian shrugged again. “Yeah?” he asked, like he wasn't sure of it himself.

“And like nothing's ever gonna happen with him again?”

“I guess?”

“Are you sure?” Kevin pressed. “Cause you're here talking to me about it.”

Brian slumped down in his seat. “I just felt weird about it. I wanted to make sure I wasn't crazy.”

Kevin chuckled at that. “I don't think you're crazy. I didn't know you liked guys,” he paused for a second. “But I don't think you're crazy.”

“Yeah, I didn't know that either,” Brian said. This was useless. He was getting nowhere with Kevin. Truthfully he wasn't even sure what he wanted out of this chat. Maybe he wanted Kevin to yell at him and tell him how stupid he was. Then he'd feel justified in never speaking to Nick again. Like this was just something he had to get out of his system.

“Look, Bri,” Kevin continued, because he could never just leave anything hanging. He always had to offer some kind of advice, even if he didn't really know what that was. “If you're not planning on breaking it off with Leigh, you should probably cool it with Nick. Don't see him, don't call him-”

“I don't even have his number,” Brian interrupted. He couldn't even call Nick if he wanted to. Which was total bullshit because if he really did want to get a hold of Nick, there was probably a way.

“Good, you don't need it,” Kevin said, looking at Brian seriously. “If this was just some drunken thing, then it's over. Just move on. Go home and be happy with Leigh.”

“Yeah,” Brian mumbled. Kevin was right - even if part of him didn't want to believe it. It was like his cousin could read his mind. This thing with Nick couldn't ever move forward. He had to let it go. “You're right.”

Brian shifted uncomfortably in his seat at the doctor's office. He and Leighanne touched down in Kentucky the day before to spend three days of Christmas with his family - and this was what they were doing?

He sighed and glanced over at her. She'd called and booked the appointment. She'd driven him there and she'd told him in absolutely no uncertain terms that she was going to follow through with whatever medical advice he was given.

He knew she was right. He knew that. But did she have to be so god damn motherly about it?

“Brian?” the receptionist called for him to go into the room. He stood up and shoved his hands into his pockets.

“Do you want me to come with you?” Leighanne asked, lightly touching his arm. “I'm coming with you,” she said before he had a chance to answer.

Why'd she even bother asking? Brian fought not to roll his eyes. They walked into the doctor's office and took a seat across the desk from him.

“Well Mr. Littrell...”

Brian tried to concentrate on what he was being told. He really, and truly did. But having a bunch of X-rays laid out in front of him while the doctor went over a bunch of medical jargon wasn't exactly the easiest way to get him to listen. He'd heard all of this before anyway - it was a lot of the same. His heart was messed up, he needed surgery, he wasn't going to live for much longer if he didn't...

Wait. That part was new.

“W...what?” Brian asked weakly, leaning in closer and peering at the X-rays in front of him. As if that would help him understand better.

“The ventricular septal defect is causing your heart to enlarge. It's imperative that you have surgery as soon as possible to repair it,”the doctor said, making eye contact with Brian.

“As soon as possible,” Brian repeated, his mouth dry. Mentally, he went through his schedule with the boys for the next little while. They were supposed to be starting work on their next album in the new year. They were also supposed to be doing some promotion during that time. Rehearsals for the tour that summer... “We're...” he tried to list off everything they were doing, but it was futile.

Leighanne snapped her head towards him. “The group?!” she nearly shouted. “Brian...”

He bit his lip. Maybe he could do it in the spring. Before the tour in the summer and after they got some of their rehearsing done. “I guess... in May...” he mumbled, almost inaudibly. “I could do...”

The doctor seemed to accept that, nodding and thrusting a whole bunch of forms at him to fill out and take to reception to actually book a date.

Brian's mind went numb as he filled out the forms in front of him. All of it was fairly standard, but Leighanne's tapping of her foot was driving him nuts.

“What?” he asked, glaring at her and looking up.

“I just...” she licked her lips and paused. “The fact that you even had to think about this...”

“I have a job, Leigh,” he sighed, shaking his head and turning his attention back to his paperwork. “I can't let down the other boys.”

Brian didn't look back up at her, but he didn't have to. He'd seen her reaction to this multiple times. She'd purse her lips and widen her eyes, like she couldn't believe how callous he could be with his own life.

Except it wasn't his own life. It was Kevin's, Howie's and AJ's too. As much as she didn't understand that, it was true. If he put the brakes on his career, it would affect them as well.

“Of course you can't,” she scoffed, rolling her eyes and shifting in her chair.

“I'm having the surgery,” he said, gathering up the papers and standing up. “I don't know what else you want.”

And with that he walked out of the room, leaving Leighanne sitting there stunned for a moment before she sighed and followed behind him.

* * *

The drive back to his parent's house was quiet. Brian sighed to himself. The radio was on low in the background as well, and Leighanne was just staring out the window.

He glanced at her before staring back out at the road in front of him. She was just trying to be supportive. He knew that - but it didn't mean she didn't annoy him. Her holier than thou attitude and inability to look past anything but what was happening in her own life was starting to drive him up the wall. The group was important to him and his career was important to him.

He rolled his eyes. She'd just given up her entire career to be with him. It had flattered him at first. Now he found himself with very little in common with her.

“You're listening to Hot 102, All The Hits and this is number three this week. It's I Need You Tonight, by Nick Carter.”

Brian sighed, but he turned up the radio all the same. He swallowed, listening to Nick's voice through the speakers.

He hadn't even spoken to Nick since that night in Rotterdam. Or, more accurately, the morning after. He didn't even know how to get into contact with him if he wanted to. Not that he wanted to...

“You actually like this song?” Leighanne broke the silence, looking over at Brian and wrinkling her nose.

Brian's heart skipped a beat. Yeah, if only she knew. “It's not a bad song,” he said, trying his best to sound light.

She rolled her eyes. “He's awfully nasally.”

Brian tensed up. He certainly was not (even though, if he thought about it objectively, he really was.) But he found himself defending Nick to her. Even though there was no reason for it. Because he wasn't ever going to see him again or anything. “I've met him a couple times,” he said. “He's a really nice guy. He works with a lot of the same producers that we do.”

She eyed him, and for a second Brian thought maybe he'd gone too far. Maybe Leighanne figured it all out. Even though there wasn't really anything to figure out. Aside from the fact that he'd spent one night with him. But it was one night. It didn't mean anything.

“Well they obviously gave him the rejects,” she said, turning to look out the window again.

Brian just shook his head and kept on driving. He sang along softly. Really, the song wasn't that bad. And maybe he could see Nick again. Cause he'd gotten it out of his system now. And they could just be friends.

He chewed at his lip. Now, if only he could believe that.

* * *

Nick stared out the window of his family's house in Florida. Christmas Day was always the worst. Try as they might to be normal, it always ended in some sort of drama.

Today his parents were screaming at each other over the gravy, of all things. Nick was hardly listening as he chopped up potatoes. (Which he'd bought, by the way. Just like everything else they were going to eat that night and everything else in the god damn house.)

He kept staring out the window. There was no way they'd have afforded a house like this on their own. There was a stretch of beach outside with a tiny dock and his own pontoon boat.

He set the knife down and walked towards the sliding glass doors.

“Where do you think you're going?” his mom screeched at him, putting her hands on her hips.

“Outside,” he said simply.

“And what about supper? You know everything isn't just about you Nickolas...”

She continued on, Nick was sure of it. But he wasn't listening anymore. He didn't really care what she had to say to him. He walked down to the dock and climbed into his boat, prepping it to go off.

“What're you doing?”

Nick looked up. His younger sister, BJ, was standing in front of him. She must have followed him, but Nick hadn't heard her with his clouded mind. She was only a couple years younger than him, but she already had a striking resemblance to their mother.

Except with her bleach-blonde hair, her tube top and jean cuttoffs, you'd never know it was December. Nick chuckled to himself as he pulled the rope off and tossed it to the side. The boat started to pull away from the shore. “Taking a break,” he said, still puttering around the boat.

BJ rolled her eyes and stepped into the boat herself. They started to drift away slowly and Nick glanced back at the house. He was sure it was still loud as hell in there, but out here he couldn't hear any of it.

“This is the only thing I've ever done for myself, Beej,” he said, pulling at the sails one more time before sitting down and looking across the way at his sister. “This fucking boat.”

She sighed. “Nick, no one ever asked you to-”

“But they did, didn't they?” Nick snapped at her. “Do Mom and Dad work? No. They just let me provide for all of you. Like I'm the one who's responsible for that.”

“You have more than enough money,” she said, still giving him a look.

Nick sighed and stared out on the water. She just didn't get it. Sure, he had money. And yeah, it was probably more than enough for just one person. Or it would be once his album dropped and hopefully did well.

“I'm going to buy a house,” he said, even though he hadn't totally decided on that yet. But the more he thought about it, the more he realised that he needed to get out. To get away from all this bullshit. Because coming home got more dreadful every time he did it.

“You already bought a house,” BJ said, looking at him and motioning to the house that was getting smaller by the minute.

“I mean my own house,” Nick clarified. “For me.”

“Nick...” BJ said, almost cautioning him. That was laughable, considering he was the one paying for all of their shit. If he was so self-sufficient, why couldn't he move out?

“I mean it,” he said. “You don't know what it's like, coming back here all the time.”

“Oh, I don't?!” she snapped at him. “I do, believe me I do. You get to go off and go to all these exciting places. I have to stay here all the fucking time and deal with mom and dad and everyone else when you're gone. You can't just abandon me...”

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. He hadn't thought of it like that. “I guess...” he muttered.

The worst part was obviously having to go through all of this alone. Whatever friends he had in Florida didn't get him anymore - they were too busy mocking him for being a “celebrity” now, or whatever he was. He sort of envied AJ and Howie - at least they had the other guys in their group to talk to about all this. There was always someone else around who was going through the exact same thing.

Which of course, led him down the path of thinking about Brian again. The boy who'd left him in the room in Rotterdam a month ago. It wasn't that shocking - they were both drunk and stupid. As soon as Nick had woken up he'd known what was going to happen. Because there was no way everything was going to work out perfectly. It never did.

But still, he gulped when he thought back to that night and what he remembered of it. Brian's hand on his shoulder, Brian's smile lighting up his whole face, Brian's mouth on his skin...

“Nick?” BJ pulled him out of his thoughts.

“Huh?”

“We should probably go back,” she said, nodding towards the house. “Mom's probably having a fit.”

Nick sighed. His mom would probably be having a fit anyway, regardless if they were there or not. But still, BJ was probably right. They couldn't stay out here the entire night. “Yeah, okay.”

He swung the sails to turn the boat around and start heading back. It didn't take much concentration, he'd done it a million times before. His thoughts wandered back to Brian. Maybe he could just be friends with him. They didn't have to do anything or be anything more than that - they'd gotten along just fine before they'd even kissed or anything else.

He nodded to himself, feeling calmer than he had when he'd first come outside. Yeah, he could just call up Brian and they could be friends. That'd be fine. He was sure of it.

Brian tapped his foot as they sat in the studio. He and the rest of the Backstreet Boys were coming to the tail end of nearly a month in Sweden, preparing for their next album. They'd been listening to demos, arrangements and meeting with producers.

It was hard for Brian to concentrate, given he hadn't told the rest of them he was effectively going to be taking the month of May off to get his chest cut open.

They were going over some high-level ideas. Their album was doing well on the charts and they were riding the wave high. The only problem, of course, was that it had run its course and now they couldn't get something out fast enough to keep their voices on the airwaves.

Brian didn't really care. It was stupid - when he was in the doctor's office, he couldn't pay attention because he was thinking about the group. And now that he was here, he couldn't pay attention because he was thinking about his god damn surgery.

He caught Kevin's gaze at one moment, his green eyes wide and piercing him. Like he'd done something wrong. He couldn't figure out what since he hadn't said anything for the whole meeting. Maybe that was it? Because he wasn't paying attention?

“What?” he asked. He had to get his head back in the game.

“They want to know if we'd be on board with a collaboration,” Kevin said slowly, eyeing the other boys.

Brian chuckled a bit. “What, there aren't enough of us in the group?”

“With Nick Carter,” Kevin continued, still giving Brian a look.

Oh.

“I'm down,” AJ said, shrugging his shoulders and looking at the others.

“Yeah me too,” Howie said with a smile. “He's cool, and his song's everywhere. I mean, it wouldn't be a bad thing to team up.”

“You're just saying that because y'all know him,” Kevin said, leaning forward a little bit and taking his gaze off of Brian. “It would compromise the integrity of the group.”

“No it wouldn't,” Howie said.

“What integrity?” AJ laughed. “We're a fucking boyband.”

AJ was ignored. Kevin went back and forth with Howie, but Brian was no longer listening. He didn't dare speak up on his thoughts about that, even though hearing that it was even a possibility lit a fire in his chest. Here he was thinking he'd never see Nick again and now he was given the opportunity to work with him?

“Well, what's he think about it?” Brian asked finally, once there was silence from all four of them.

“He's just being told about it today, apparently,” Kevin said, giving him a bit of a look. “Same as us. But he's on his way here to put the finishing touches on his album...”

Brian just nodded. He thought about it again. Nick was going to be here anyway with them. So it wasn't like this was a matter of him agreeing to this or not because he shouldn't see him. “We should do it.”

Kevin gave him a look and Brian averted his gaze. He knew full well what Kevin was thinking. Hell, it was the same thing he was trying to push out of his mind. This is a terrible idea.

Of course Kevin was a lot more upfront with his opinions that Brian ever would be. “Fellas?” Kevin asked, clearing his throat and giving Brian yet another look before glancing at AJ and Howie. “Why don't we take five?”

AJ stood up just as soon as the words left Kevin's mouth. “Thank god. I could go for a fucking cigarette.”

Kevin didn't say anything - which is how Brian knew that Kevin's focus was elsewhere. That guy only had the ability to be angry about one issue at a time.

“Yeah,” Howie said, following AJ out of the room. “I'm gonna go grab a coffee.”

“I'll go too,” Brian said, standing up to follow Howie.

“Sit down,” Kevin called after him. Brian sighed. He knew it. He knew he was getting off too easy.

He gave Howie a bit of a shrug before he left the room to go get his coffee. As if to say I've got no idea what he's on about now. Even though he did. He sunk back down into his plastic chair and looked up at his cousin.

“Really?” Kevin asked, leaning forward a little bit and waving his hand. “We can't do this.”

Brian tried his best to act nonchalant. “It's fine, Kev. I know you think it'll compromise our integrity or whatever-”

“You know that this has nothing to do with that,” Kevin said slowly. Slower than his usual drawl, anyway. “You know that. You said you were going to stay away from him-”

“I am,” Brian cut him off, doing the same thing Kevin did to him just moments ago. “I can't help it if management thinks this is a good idea. And it is a good idea. You know it is.”

Kevin sighed. He kept staring at Brian, as if he would be able to force some kind of confession out of him. But there wasn't anything there. He drummed his fingers on the table for a moment. “I just don't want you to get mixed up in anything you're gonna regret.”

Brian rolled his eyes, suddenly feeling like he was five years old. Drunken escapades aside, he could control himself. He had a one off with Nick and it was done. So what if they spent a few days together? There was no way he was going to let it happen again.

“I'm not,” Brian stressed.

“Good,” Kevin said, standing up. He pressed a hand to Brian's back, patting it slightly. “I'm just lookin' out for you, Cuz.”

“I know.”

“You know that we can't let anything happen to the group, things are too delicate right now.”

“I know,” Brian said again softly. He nodded his head at Kevin before Kevin left the room. Brian sighed, left sitting there on his own. He put his head in his hands and groaned. Nick drama aside, he still hadn't told them about his surgery. Time was running out.

* * *

“You want me to collaborate with who?” Nick asked incredulously. His eyes widened and he pressed his hand down on the sound panel. He'd just landed in Stockholm two hours ago and he'd been whisked into the studio to finish up his album. And be accosted by his manager with ideas about a collaboration with the Backstreet Boys, apparently.

Jen sighed, putting her hands on her hips and looking up at Nick. “We just want you to record one song, they're here too getting started on their next album.”

“We don't even have a song,” Nick said through gritted teeth. His plan was to come here, finish his album, release his album and become an international superstar. Nowhere in that plan did it say jump right back into the thick of it with the Backstreet Boys. After that mess with Brian in Rotterdam, Nick would happily never hear the name of that group ever again.

Jen gave him a look and cocked her head to the side. “Please. Max has a catalog y'all can choose from.”

Nick sighed. He crossed his arms over his chest and plunked himself down on the stool behind him.

This was the absolute last thing he wanted. And yet, he couldn't help but feel excited about it. Even if he'd been shot down by Brian (and his fucking girlfriend, apparently) at least he'd maybe still have the chance to be his friend. And at the absolute least, he'd get to hang out with AJ and Howie again.

Oh, and this song would probably bring him more recognition. That too.

“Well?” she pressed him, leaning forward. “I can't tell you what to do, but...”

“Yeah, yeah,” Nick sighed again. “But you can strongly suggest.”

She smiled. “Right. So you'll do it then? You guys can pick a song tomorrow.”

Nick leaned his head back. He looked into the recording booth. Why couldn't think whole popstar thing be easy? Even on the Mickey Mouse Club, life was easy. He managed to just do his thing and stay out of the drama that his co-stars loved to be a part of.

And now that he was on his own he suddenly couldn't escape it?

“Fine,” he said, narrowing his eyes at Jen. He acted like he was really doing her a favour. Like the thought of spending a few days with Brian didn't make his heart flutter in his chest. “I'll do it.”

Brian yawned as he stood in the studio the next morning. He'd woken up early - 5:16, to be exact. He'd slept decently before but, but as soon as he'd started to wake up and remembered that Nick would be joining them in the studio that day, it was all he could think about.

Sleep was just a distant memory at that point.

Now, he was leaning over soundboard, staring down at the book of lyrics in front of him. There must have been dozens of songs for them to choose from, their management having gone through the list and earmarking ones that they thought would be a good fit.

Brian sighed to himself and stood upright, taking a sip of his tea and glancing at the door.

So far, it was just the four of them left to their own devices. They'd met with Max earlier to go over the options and then they were given the task of picking a song. Nick was supposed to be joining them too.

Brian glanced down at his watch. That was thirteen minutes ago. He tapped his foot on the floor and stared at the door again. As if that would will it open and Nick would walk through.

He didn't, so Brian glanced down at the book of lyrics again. He looked over at AJ who had a pair of large headphones over his ears. He was clearly listening to some demos as he swayed along with the music.

Brian laughed to himself and was so absorbed in watching his friend that he almost didn't hear the door open from behind him. As soon as he heard the joints squeak open, he turned around.

Sure enough, there was Nick. He soft blonde hair was loose, falling around his face instead of being slicked back with product. He was wearing loose-fitting jeans and a red hoodie - upon closer inspection it appeared the embroidered logo was that of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

Not that Brian was looking too hard.

“Hey,” Nick said, running a hand through his hair. It did little to keep it pushed back - because it just fell in front of his face again. “Sorry I'm late. Room service was slow,” he laughed.

He walked over to where Brian was standing and shoved his hands in his pockets. He offered Brian a small smile before looking down at the book.

Brian gulped but he forced himself to tear his eyes away from Nick and ignore the heat building up in his chest.

“What'cha looking at?” Nick asked, sitting down on one of the stools and resting his arms on the soundboard. “Lyrics? Y'all wanna pick a song based on lyrics?” he laughed again, his blue eyes crinkling at the sides.

Brian rubbed his face with his hands. “I-” he started, but he was cut off by Howie.

“AJ's listening to some demos,” he said with a smile. Brian shot him a bit of a look, though he didn't really know why. Howie just shrugged his shoulders.

“Cool,” Nick said, standing up and walking over to AJ.

“The lyrics are important too,” Kevin said, looking over at Nick.

Nick nodded his head while he whispered to AJ and laughed. He picked up the tape and walked back over to the soundboard, popping it into the cassette slot. “Maybe,” he said, fiddling with some of the knobs. “But Max isn't exactly a lyrical genius,” he giggled, sliding the volume up and letting the room fill with music.

“Which is why we should be reading the lyrics first,” Kevin muttered, but he was ignored.

The boys stood in a circle, bopping along to an upbeat song.

“I like this one,” AJ said after a minute or so, swaying his hips to the beat and looking up at Nick and laughing. “I must confess that my loneliness...”

“Is killin' me nowwww,” Nick joined in, intentionally raising the pitch of his voice.

Brian couldn't help but smile, even if he didn't agree that the song was any good. If he thought this was going to be weird, it really wasn't. Nick actually did fit in with their group quite well - at least they had that going for them with this collaboration.

“I don't really know if this lends itself to any harmonies,” Howie said with a shrug, glancing up at Kevin.

“Yeah, he's right,” Kevin replied. It was just as well, as the snippet was coming to an end. “Next.”

The five of them looked at the ground as the next song started, trying to absorb the music. There was just a lead-in of a guitar and a chorus for this one.

“Don't wanna lose you now, baby, I know we can win this...”

Brian tapped his foot to the beat. The song was good, really good actually. He could see them recording this one. He glanced up at the others. Kevin was nodding along with it as well. AJ and Nick looked up and glanced at each other. Nick wrinkled his nose and AJ laughed.

“Not this one,” Howie said, looking up at Nick.

“It's just...” Nick started as the demo continued to play in the background. “It's a little bit... I dunno.”

“Boring,” AJ finished for him. “It's boring.”

“I think it's nice,” Kevin protested, looking over at Brian for support.

Brian sighed. He didn't want to side with Nick and AJ - this would be a whole lot easier if he agreed with Kevin. He did like the song, but it probably wasn't a hit. Maybe they could record it on their own as an album track or something. “I don't think it's what we're looking for.”

Nick looked over at him gratefully. Brian just looked back down and shuffled his feet as the next song started.

The one was fuller, starting off with a guitar melody before going into the opening lines.

“You are my fire, the one desire. Believe when I say... I want it that way...”

It was infectious and Brian couldn't help but tap his foot along to the music. Maybe it was because this song was a bit more fleshed out than the others, but he was drawn to it right away.

He glanced around at the others. Kevin's eyes were closed as he nodded his head along to the beat. AJ was tapping his hand on his thigh in time to the music. Howie was mouthing along to the chorus already, because the words were easy enough to pick up.

And Nick? Brian watched as he mouthed along to the lyrics, softly ad-libbing here and there as the song drew to a close. His eyes were closed tight and Brian had to fight to keep his mind on the song and not let it wander back to that night in Nick's hotel room.

“That's the one,” Brian said softly once the song finished. Another one started playing after it, but none of them were paying attention. “That's the song.”

He looked around at the others before finally settling on Nick. Nick just smiled at him, nodding his head in agreement. Even Kevin, who usually held an even keel on decisions like this was grinning ear to ear.

“Yeah,” Kevin said, looking around at the others for approval. “That's definitely it.”

All four of them instantly looked at Nick. Nick looked confused for a second, like he'd forgotten that he had to agree to it too. That he wasn't just a part of their group. “Yeah, totally,” he said quickly, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. “Let's do it.”

“Great,” Kevin said before turning to walk out of the room. “I'll let management know.”

* * *

The process of choosing the song had only been the first in many steps. They'd spent a long day in the studio recording and after fans caught wind that they were in the studio any thoughts of going out to eat dinner were gone. Instead they were whisked back to the hotel.

“Dude, what the fuck?!” Nick covered his head with his hands as they group of them ran into the hotel lobby, security keeping a tight cone around them. “Is it like this everywhere you go?”

“Mostly everywhere Brian goes,” Howie said once they were inside, brushing his hands onto the thighs of his jeans.

Nick chewed at his lip. Yeah, that's not surprising, he thought to himself.“Uh huh,” was all he said instead. “That's fuckin' whack. I didn't even bring security with me. Nobody cares what I do.”

“Must be nice,” AJ muttered, glancing around and taking a deep breath. There were still screaming girls outside, but the hotel had them at bay. Finally, they had a little breathing room.

Nick stared out towards the front of the hotel in awe. He could still hear the muffled screams - it sort of freaked him out to think that one day that might be the same reaction he'd get. He could only hope to be that successful, anyway.

“Whatever,” he said with a wave, walking towards the elevators. “I'm going up to my room to play PlayStation and I guess I'll be ordering pizza cause like hell I'm going out there.” He looked around at the others, as if to try and coerce some of them to come with him. And he tried to look at all of them equally - he definitely didn't look at Brian longer than the others.

Besides, Brian would probably declare he had a girlfriend and run screaming anyway.

“I'm down for that,” AJ said, following behind Nick.

Nick shrugged like that was fine.

“Maybe we can get a car together in a while and try to find somewhere else to eat?” Kevin suggested, looking around at them.

Brian cocked his head to the side. “Are you insane?” He gestured over to the font of the hotel again. “I'm just gonna go with these guys.”

There was a long pause that even Nick noticed. And he usually didn't pick up on that sort of thing. But even he couldn't miss the long sigh Kevin gave after what felt like twenty minutes. “Fine, I guess you and I can go figure out food then.”

“Without this guy?” Howie laughed, slapping Brian on the back as he and Kevin broke off from the group. “It'll be a lot easier.”

With that, AJ, Nick and Brian gathered into one of the large glass elevators with security in tow. As they rode up to his room in silence, Nick was careful to keep his eyes fixated on the brightly lit numbers above the doors. This was the best case scenario, really. This way he got to hang out with Brian, and with AJ there it wasn't like anything was going to happen anyway. His mind couldn't get carried away and he didn't have to worry about it.

He stole a quick glance over at Brian before looking up at the numbers again. Now, if only he could believe that.

* * *

AJ laughed, tossing his controller down onto the floor. “Dude, you suck at this.” He looked over at Brian before leaning back and stretching his legs out on the floor.

Brian rolled his eyes. He'd never been good at Madden. There was a reason he didn't play sports video games. Sports? Yes. Video games based on sports? Hell no. He tossed his own controller down on the ground beside himself. He and AJ were both sitting on the floor at the edge of the bed. Nick was laying on his stomach on the bed.

And Brian was doing everything he could to not look at him. For the millionth time that evening, he scolded himself for even agreeing to this. He should have gone back to his own room. Should have just called Leighanne and gone to sleep, oh and maybe gone out with Kevin and told him about his fucking heart surgery.

Then he berated himself for how stupid he was being. Nothing was even happening.

He twisted around and reached up to grab another slice of pizza out of the box that was sitting on the bed. For a split second he made eye contact with Nick. He gave him a half-smile and then sunk back down to his spot on the floor.

Idiot. He thought to himself as he chewed on his pizza. You're such an idiot.

“Dude,” Nick said from behind him. He heard him shuffle on the bed, crawling off the edge and grabbing AJ's controller off the floor. Nick's arm brushed Brian's shoulder, and Brian jerked away from the movement. His heart sped up in his chest, but when he looked around, neither Nick or AJ seemed to notice how awkward he was being.

“Let me show you how it's actually done,” Nick continued, pressing some buttons on the controller and starting the game up again. “Brian, c'mon.”

He didn't really want to play, but he found himself picking up the controller anyway. He half-heartedly pushed the buttons and watched as Nick completely kicked his ass in the game.

“And that's how it's done,” Nick said triumphantly, tossing the controller on the bedspread and raising his hands above his head.

“Uh huh.” AJ obviously didn't care about Nick's Madden skills. He stood up and shoved his hands into his pockets. “This is lame, I'm outta here. Gonna go find a bar.”

Brian looked up at Nick once AJ was out of the room. He should have probably taken the opportunity to leave himself, but he didn't. Which meant that he and Nick were now alone - a fact he was keenly aware of.

“Again?” Nick asked, picking up the controller and shaking it.

Brian shrugged. He didn't really want to play again, but he couldn't think of a better excuse to stay.

“Or you could suck my dick and run off afterwards,” Nick said. He cocked his head to the side and laughed a bit, but Brian didn't miss the tinge of bitterness in his voice.

But at least Nick had broken the ice. “Nick, you know that wasn't...”

“Oh, I know.” Nick nodded his head, his eyes wide. He was still hanging over the edge of the bed like this was some sort of teenage sleepover party. “I get it. It's not like we can go out there and tell the whole world we're gay for each other.”

Brian rolled his eyes. Nick was making this harder than it had to be. “It's not really about that,” he said, even though it sort of was. “There's...” he started, trying to think of what he could say to make Nick understand. “It's complicated,” he finally settled on.

“Uh huh. Yup. I told you, I get it.”

Brian put his head in his hands. If only his relationship - whatever it was - with Nick was the biggest of his problems at the moment. “I'm having heart surgery,” he muttered, deciding he might as well get it out. He slowly looked back up at Nick, half-expecting his expression to have changed. It hadn't. He still had a raised eyebrow and a slightly open mouth.

“Huh?”

Brian sighed. Nick clearly didn't understand the gravity of what he'd said. But now that the floodgates were open, Brian figured he might as well talk about it. He had to talk about it with someone. He climbed up onto the bed and leaned back against the headboard. “I'm having open-heart surgery on May 8th.”

“Oh May 8th,” Nick repeated, frowning. He rolled over and moved to sit beside Brian. “Dude, that's in like...” he looked down at his hands, counting softly. “March... April... three months.”

Brian nodded, swallowing a lump that was starting to build in his throat. “Yeah.”

“Is it serious?”

“No, Nick,” Brian said sarcastically, unable to stop himself. “I just thought it'd be fun to go under the knife.”

“Okay, sorry.” Nick reached up and softly placed his hand on the left side of Brian's chest. He glanced up at him, locking their eyes before pressing a little bit harder. “It's beating though.”

Brian took in a deep breath. He was too worried now to snap back at Nick with another sarcastic comment. Too focused on Nick's hand touching him. Hopefully Nick hadn't noticed his heartbeat picking up. “It won't be for much longer... if I don't have the surgery.”

“Shit...” Nick whispered, keeping his hand on Brian's chest as they both looked down.

“I haven't told anyone else,” Brian continued. “I mean, obviously Leigh knows,” he paused awkwardly when he said her name, but Nick didn't flinch. “But the other boys don't.”

Nick looked up at Brian, shocked. “You haven't told AJ or the others? They don't know that you're having fucking surgery in three months?!” he asked incredulously. “Dude!”

“I know.” Brian sunk down and put his head in his hands. “I know, I just... they're gonna kill me.”

“They'll probably kill you more if y'all book a show or something and then you just don't show up. Seriously, dude. You gotta tell them.”

“I know,” Brian muttered into his hands. “It's just, I just...” he glanced up, looking into Nick's concerned eyes. His lips were turned downwards, and Brian craned his neck upwards to kiss them.

If he thought Nick was going to push him away, he was wrong. Nick pulled him in closer, shuffling downwards so Brian could climb on top of him.

“I... is this okay?” Nick asked him softly, placing his hand on Brian's chest again.

“Yeah...” Brian replied, leaning down to kiss him again. No - nothing about this was okay. But it wasn't like that was going to stop him.