To: brokster75@gmail.com
From: KaoticInc@gmail.com

Title: Need My Space

Brian,

I decided to take your advice and start over. I’m sending this to you cause I know you’ll forward this shit to Kevin and AJ and maybe they’ll get off my ass. I’ll send you pics of the new place once I’m all moved in but I ain’t giving anyone the address right now. I know Kev has had D trying to call since I changed my number. And I know D gave my new one to you cause I stopped answering him. I love you guys but I need my fucking space. I need a break. We put the group on hold to let me have it right? THEN LET ME HAVE IT. My lawyers will know where I am, Jen knows too; so they can find me if Lauren decides to finally have a fucking heart.

After all the shit from the past two years, I need to not be Nick Fucking Carter for awhile. I know out of everyone in my life YOU will be the one to actually understand that. Didn’t you tell me something similar once almost a decade ago, saying your downtime was so you can stop being a Backstreet Boy? Remember how suffocated you felt? That’s why I’m doing this. Maybe you can explain it to the fellas. That I love them but I need them to leave me the fuck alone.

I need room to breathe for awhile.

Nick.

Chapter One �“ Begin Again

The drive from Las Vegas was a long one �“ not that such a thing wasn’t expected. He knew he could’ve flown, had everything shipped to the new place. He definitely had the funds for it, despite recent events. Yet, in the end he chose not to. Instead he packed everything up himself into the giant U-Haul truck that he’d rented. It felt like a sendoff to the old Nick and the man he’d convinced himself he could be once upon a time. It’d taken a long time, years actually, for reality to come crashing back down. But crash down it did and here he was alone again in the shattered remains of his old life.

He sighed as he stepped outside the rest stop’s restroom and back into the warmth of the sun. He was somewhere in southern Utah and soon he’d be away from the desert weather he’d come to call home back in 2017. Two and a half years had stolen a lot from him. Nick walked over and climbed up into the driver’s seat again, taking a long sip from the Coors sitting inside the cup holder. Nothing was enough to dull the pain anymore, he found he was simply accepting it was inevitable now.

Although loneliness has always been a friend of mine, I’m leaving my life in your hands… With a roll of his eyes, Nick immediately changed the station. It was weird hearing his songs on oldies stations of all things. Then again, he was thirty-nine, next year he’d be forty.

‘And I don’t have a god damned thing.’ He thought bitterly.

Back in 2017 he’d had everything. The Backstreet Boys had been on top of the world with the fastest selling residency in Las Vegas history. Planet Hollywood had never seen anything like it. They were back on Billboard thanks to their collaboration with country group Florida-Georgia Line. Everyone wanted to work with them suddenly, it was such a contrast to what Nick thought to himself as the group’s Kevin-less years when he’d taken the initiative and practically begged producers to work with the group. Sometimes it was hard to believe, they were getting consistent calls for appearances, performances, everything they’d been struggling for since their 2005 album. Yet as with anyone who makes it to the top, Nick felt he should’ve known sooner or later it would be time to once again fall.

This fall went further than he ever could’ve expected.

People from his past, bitter at the way things had ended between them used him for attention and fame. Used his name, his past mistakes against him �“ without any defense for himself. The stories that spread were lies, pure and simple. But it’d been what’s known as “trial by social media”. People didn’t need proof in a he said/she said story. All they needed was someone they wanted to see come crumbling down. He tried to stay strong in the onslaught of negative media, focus on Lauren, on Odin. But despite the lies and his desperate attempts to bring those responsible to a hault, the group started to get heat. The demand for them began to drop. Everything fell apart. He sighed, settling onto a random station where Eminem’s voice would be heard through the speakers.

If time was still on my side, I'd still have none to waste. Man, in my younger days, that dream was so much fun to chase. It's like I run in place while this shit dangled in front of my face…

Everywhere he went, paparazzi had begun to follow. The questions never ceased. Management had to ban them from interviews though some still tried it. The fans were loyal, never wavering. But their support while incredibly could only carry the group so far. Planet Hollywood didn’t cease the five-year contract the group had signed for their residency. They simply asked the group to “take some time off while the heat dies down” after their dates last year in 2018. Kevin felt it might be best for the group to focus on recording, finish the album that kept being delayed because so many people wanted them to perform.

It didn’t take long for that to go awry. A few missed meetings, late to recordings. Suddenly the fellas were asking him what was wrong. Like they didn’t know! It blew Nick’s mind that they’d even ask. He had a lot on his plate and nothing he did could make it go away. Certain claims stuck forever, no matter what. Especially if the person causing them made sure to find new ways to make it news again. Changing her story never seemed to catch anyone’s notice. Nothing he said or did was right anymore. Not to the media. Not to his bandmates. And especially not to his now ex-wife.

”I need a break Kevin. Let’s take a break from all of it. Maybe this shit will fucking leave me alone by the time I decide to come back.”

A glance out the window, seeing the scenery blur beside him as he took another sip from his trusty can. Nick knew he should be seeing the therapist as Lauren has suggested again and again. Before everything had fallen apart. But, how could he? Many people didn’t believe him, no matter what he said. What would make some stranger suddenly think he was telling the truth? Sometimes, he wondered if the fellas believed. He knew Kevin did. But what about Brian? Brian had the tendency to think the worst of him, because of his old mistakes. Did Howie? AJ? He was afraid to ask.

His phone vibrated as he checked it while keeping a hand steady on the wheel.

Got your email. Are you sure you’re ok. Worried about you.

“Everyone is fucking worried. Join the club.” He muttered with another roll of his eyes, throwing the phone into the passenger seat.

How many times over the years had he wanted Brian to worry about him? How many times would he have killed to have his former best friend check on him? The relationship the two friends had was a tumultuous one. Every time Nick was down, it seemed Brian wasn’t there to pick him up. He hated to blame Leighanne but the fact was this �“ Brian changed after marriage. Nick understood it somewhat, once he’d gotten married. But he hadn’t forgotten his friends when things got hard and that was something he wasn’t sure he could ever forget. When Lauren had served him the divorce papers, it had been Kevin and AJ who’d flown out to Vegas from LA. Howie was down in Florida at the time. During the custody battle, Howie had been the one who had helped him find the best lawyers possible.

Not that they’d done any good.

Brian was supportive, from a distance of course.

It was ironic, that it was Brian’s advice that made the most sense to him. Start over, he’d said the one time he’d answered the phone to anyone but Howie after Nick had changed his number. Start over in a place where everything is calmer, smaller. Get out of Vegas and figure things out without the memories following you everywhere. Maybe remember who you are besides a Backstreet Boy. Since he couldn’t be one, wasn’t allowed to be one, he realized Brian was right. He needed to be reminded who he was outside of performing, music, and celebrity.

And to hell what Lauren thought. She’d won sole custody of their son Odin. Something he’d never forgive her for. Their son was the only thing Nick felt he’d done perfectly in his lifetime. The light in his three-year-old’s eyes every time he picked him was the last thing that was tethering him to any semblance of sanity. And the woman he thought he’d spend the rest of his life with ripped that away from him. All because she refused to believe he had a handle on things. Who cared if he partied sometimes? Maybe he needed a break with everyone flooding his Instagram with horrible comments, screaming names at him in public.

Melissa may have damaged his career �“ hopefully not beyond repair. But Lauren? Lauren had gone for the jugular after things between them had gone so horribly wrong. The only family he dared to have outside of the group, seeing as the one that raised him had basically abandoned him once he stopped giving them money, was now forever gone. Supervised visits. That was the ruling, for now. His lawyers were already working on getting that decision reversed. Nick himself had little hope. The court of public opinion had been used against him in the custody battle, and he’d lost.

Nick threw the now empty can on the floor of the cab. If he made a mess he’d just pay for it. What did it matter. What did anything matter?

“You don’t fucking believe her do you Lauren?!”

“I didn’t but I’m starting to! Look at you Nick! You reek, you’re never home, and when you are it’s like you’re not!”

“I don’t fucking need this! Not from you!”

“I can’t keep doing this!”

“You can’t leave me!”

“I CAN and I will Nick Carter! I will walk out that door if you don’t see someone and get some help! Stop shutting me out! Stop shutting everyone out! I’m scared, everyone is and-”

“I don’t need help!”

One of the many arguments flashed through his head as he took an exit off the freeway. He needed to find a hotel room so he can get some sleep. As much as he hated life, hated everything around him, he didn’t want to die. That much he knew. He wanted to live, he wanted his son back in his life. He wanted the group back together someday �“ even though right now it was the last thing on the list. Nick wanted to hear the crowds screaming his name, giving him the cheers that lifted him to a high drugs had never given him during his younger days. He wanted people to see the truth.

Nick parked at the first hotel he saw, not caring what it looked like. He wondered what Lauren was doing. If she was tucking his son in. He hoped Odin was asking where daddy was. He was the one who always did story time with him �“ before the divorce. He hoped his son didn’t forget him. Three years wasn’t very old. He was young enough to forget and that thought was terrifying. His son was the last light still burning in the darkness. He couldn’t lose him. His lawyers had encouraged the move, saying that if Nick seemed “stable” in his new home, Lauren’s arguments against him would crumble. He could at least get shared custody.

Deep down though, Nick wondered if anything would turn around for him ever again.