For some reason, AJ couldn't open his eyes. He felt himself begin to panic, but suddenly a crack of light appeared, and he struggled to lift his eyelids further. With more effort than was normal, he managed to open his eyes, but what he saw scared him even more.

A hospital? Why was he in the hospital?

AJ turned his head to look around and found his entire body stiff. His neck resisted, but he managed to look to his right where a small glass window, looking into the hallway, stood just above a small counter with a sink. To the left of that was a large door that was closed.

Good, AJ thought to himself. I don't want to see anyone right now, anyways.

But why? Why didn't he want to see anyone?

For the life of him, AJ couldn't think of why he had these feeling of anger and bitterness. Actually, once he thought about it, he couldn't remember much of anything. He knew the group had been in New Orleans, but had they already done the concert? Why was he in this hospital? His mind was blurry, and it was frustrating him the more he tried to think.

With an annoyed sigh, AJ let his head drop. He was already exhausted. He felt like he'd been asleep for a month the way his body was so heavy and sluggish.

In an attempt to wake his tired muscles up, he bent his knees, drawing them closer to his body. His joints cracked and his muscles stretched, and it felt so good to actually move. Once again, he wondered why his body felt like it had been out of commission for a while, but the great feeling of actually moving it again overwhelmed him.

He realized his head was beginning to throb, particularly on the right side of his face, up towards his forehead. He lifted his arm, intending to bring them up and touch his face, but they were halted in midair, causing his heart to nearly stop completely.

What the hell?

His hands were strapped down. A quick attempt to move his legs any more proved the same thing. Had he pulled his knees up any further to his body, the thick leather straps holding them to the bed would have stopped him.

He lifted his arm as high as the straps would let him, then lowered his head enough so he could touch his forehead. Strangely, he felt a thick layer of gauze.

The door suddenly opened, and AJ looked up in surprise to see an older lady dressed in a nurse's uniform walk in. Her head was down, so she hadn't seen him yet but as soon as he moved again her head snapped up and a look of surprise quickly crossed her face.

"Oh, you're awake!" she exclaimed, obviously flustered. "I--uh--I'll go get your doctor..."

Her voice trailed off as she ran out of the room, and AJ frowned, sinking back into his pillows. This whole situation was getting more and more frustrating. At least a doctor was coming now; maybe he could get some answers.

"Hello Alex."

AJ looked up to see a younger doctor than he'd expected. He had dark hair and was clean-shaven, and he looked at AJ with a kind look, not at all condescending like he'd expected. Still, AJ didn't answer, and the doctor continued as if he hadn't expected him to.

"My name is Sam Ritland," he introduced with a smile. "Do you remember anything about why you're here?"

Hesitating a moment, AJ shook his head, and once again Dr. Ritland looked as if he'd expected AJ's answer to be no.

"Well, I'll share any information with you that you want to know, but first why don't we get rid of these?" he suggested, moving to unfasten the straps holding AJ's limbs down.

"Why..." He trailed off, not having the heart to ask the question, but Dr. Ritland understood.

"When you came in here, you were rather hostile, even though you weren't conscious," he explained. "We put these on you for your protection. The gash on your forehead was deep and wouldn't stop bleeding, and we needed to get it cleaned up and sutured closed. You also have an IV and a few other machines hooked up to you, and we didn't want you to disturb any of them."

He motioned to the machines just behind him, and AJ looked to his side and saw a few of them, beeping and blinking as they measured different things in his body.

"Let's talk about you for a second," Dr. Ritland offered once he'd removed the straps, taking a seat in the chair next to his bed. "How have you been feeling lately?"

AJ frowned. What a question to ask. "Fine."

"Fine?"

AJ nodded, not offering any more information, so Dr. Ritland smiled.

"Alex, if you don't help me any more than that, I'm afraid you'll be in here a lot longer than you want to be."

AJ didn't quite know what the man meant. "We're fine," he shrugged again. "It's the middle of the tour, so we're wearing down, but it's nothing new. We've been through all of this before."

"As I see," the man nodded, looking down at the notebook in his lap. "How long have you been touring?"

AJ rolled his eyes. "Isn't it in your information?"

Dr. Ritland looked prepared. "Let me rephrase my question," he offered. "How long have you been depressed?"

That wasn't a question AJ had expected, and it must have shown in his face.

"Alex, do you remember what happened two nights ago?"

AJ continued the blank stare, still shaken a little too deeply by the doctor's last question.

"Do you remember taking the bottle of pills?" the doctor pressed.

Finally AJ looked at the doctor, realizing that he was in way over his head. Obviously, he had no memory of why he was in the hospital.

"Alex, I've talked to all of your bandmates," Dr. Ritland told him. "They all tell me the same thing, that they've been worried about you for some time, but it's been going on for so long now that they really never thought anything like this would happen."

AJ's eyes glazed over with tears. "I tried to kill myself?" His voice was so weak and scared, he almost didn't recognize it as his own.

Dr. Ritland nodded his head. "Monday morning one of your bandmates found you in your hotel room," he explained. "There was an extremely large amount of morphine in your system, which we're assuming came from the pain medication you had for your ankle?"

AJ nodded, piecing everything together. He'd sprained his ankle in a concert last week, and it'd hurt so bad to even walk on it that the doctor had given him some strong pain relievers to cover up the pain enough so he could at least perform. He remembered asking the doctor for an extra bottle, since he'd be on the road and wouldn't know where he'd be able to refill it if he needed to.

"Alex, I'm going to let you get some rest now," Dr. Ritland said, standing up and sliding the chair back into its original position. "I'll send the nurse in to change your bandage."

AJ just watched the man as he stood next to his bed and looked at him with a rather neutral face.

"I'll come back later, but you try to get some rest. Your body has been through a lot."

With that, the doctor turned and exited the room, letting the door shut quietly behind him. AJ wasn't quite sure what to think. His mind was reeling, but he realized he was too tired to think about anything at the moment. Instead, he settled back into his bed, rolling onto his side a little and pulling the blankets up further to cover his arms, then closed his eyes, hoping this was all just a bad nightmare.

By the next day, AJ still hadn't thought about what Dr. Ritland had shared with him; something else was occupying his mind. Lying in the hospital bed, AJ was feeling vulnerable and increasingly uncomfortable, so he tried to think of something safe, something to make him feel better, and Brian immediately popped into his head.

He thought about how much safer he would feel if Brian was with him now. The way Brian would embrace him without hesitation instead of shying away from him or tip-toeing around him like he was walking on egg shells. How, even when the other guys were too fed-up with AJ's antics, Brian would help him into his hotel room every night, still staying with him after AJ would put up a fight if Brian would try to leave. All he ever did was overplay his drunkenness so that Brian would be too concerned to leave him on his own.

Sometimes AJ got a bit scared or felt guilty about doing it so often to Brian, but he knew he would never have enough pride to simply ask Brian to stay with him if he was sober, so AJ really had no other option. He was more lonely than he cared to admit, so he wasn't about to throw away any chance he had for some company, especially when Brian seemed to care so much.

That's what friends are for, and Brian had been a perfect example of a true friend. Brian was always there for AJ, even when it was obvious that he didn't understand what AJ was going through. No matter what, Brian had always been a shoulder for AJ to cry on.

It was no secret to anyone on the tour that AJ liked to party. He'd come home nearly every night, or early the next morning, incredibly drunk and usually not ready to quit partying but forced to come home by his bodyguard or one of his groupmates, on the rare occasions that they joined him.

But the one thing AJ could always count on was Brian. Never fail, whenever AJ came home, Brian was at his door within minutes to check on him.

It confused AJ why Brian was always up at four or five o'clock in the morning, and he always asked if he was going to stay up that late why he didn't just go out with him, but Brian would just insist that he liked getting up early to watch the sunrise.

"Watching the sun rise?" AJ asked, a look on his face as if it were probably the most boring thing on the face of the earth.

"Yeah," Brian laughed. "There's nothing like seeing the sun come up."

And, not in the mood to argue or pursue the topic any further, AJ would let it go, instead giving Brian a good laugh at his drunk antics as he attempted to shower and change before he slid into bed.

And, every night, they followed the same routine.

"You really like to watch the sunrise?" AJ asked, coming out of the bathroom, freshly showered.

"Yeah," Brian nodded.

"You're weird."

"I'm not the one with my boxers on backwards."

AJ looked down and saw that, sure enough, his boxers were on backwards. "Oops," he grinned, quickly slipping them off and turning them the right way. "Better?"

"Much," Brian smiled. "Now c'mon, get in bed. You're never going to wake up tomorrow."

"Sure I will," AJ said, slipping into bed. "I always do."

Brian would help AJ into bed, and then to AJ's persistent pleading Brian would stay with him.

"Please?" AJ begged. "Just for a little bit."

Brian laughed. "It's always just for a little bit," he said, mocking the way AJ always seemed to talk him into it.

"But it helps."

Brian let out a defeated sigh, and AJ knew he'd won by the half-smile on his face. "Fine," Brian finally relented, "but seriously, I'm not staying in here forever."

"You don't have to," AJ agreed.

Brian reluctantly joined AJ on the bed, pulling himself up so that he was leaning back against the headboard. With a smile on his face, AJ slid under the covers himself, rolling onto his side so that his back was facing Brian, but still able to feel the warmth that Brian's simple presence brought him.

On his favorite nights, it would turn out that Brian would be asleep before AJ, and so the two of them would wake up the next morning cuddled together until they realized that they were late because AJ hadn't set his alarm. And Brian would never be mad that he'd spent the night in AJ's room, only flustered that they were late and then the mother hen instinct would kick in and he would help AJ get his things ready for the day ahead of them. Sometimes Brian wouldn't even have time to go back to his room, so he would end up wearing AJ's clothes and using his brush or deodorant.

It sounded silly, but to AJ it was all he had left. He'd pushed everyone else away from him, and he still had too much pride to admit how much he was hurting; how much simple acts of kindness like what Brian was giving him really made him miss how things used to be.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It was that same day that AJ had started thinking about Brian, that Brian came to visit. Luckily, AJ had only been lying in bed staring at the television, starting to fall asleep but fighting it long enough to see the end of the movie he'd found. Not that he didn't want to see Brian, he just didn't want to talk to him.

So he closed his eyes and pretended to be asleep. He concentrated on keeping his eyelids still and even out his breathing, but it was hard when he was trying to figure out what Brian was doing at the same time. He could feel when he was near his bed, because Brian was breathing so loudly.

What nearly made AJ blow his cover was when Brian took his hand and cupped in both of his own, squeezing it tightly, like he didn't want to ever let go. It reminded AJ of when none of them would hesitate to give each other a hug or hold each other's hands. They had been so close to each other, and now he had ruined it all.

AJ still didn't feel like himself, so he wasn't interested in doing much except watch TV and sleep. The idea of anyone coming to see him was the last thing he wanted, which explained how well he was perfecting his fake sleeping act, so he was a little relieved when Brian left because he figured it wouldn't be until tomorrow that anyone else would come back. But, as he continued lying in his bed not long after Brian had left, he looked up and saw the same familiar face in the doorway, and his thoughts completely changed.

"Hey."

AJ's heart jumped with happiness, and for the first time in quite a while, a genuine smile spread across his face. How could he have not wanted to see this beautiful blue-eyed man? Just the sight of him was making him forget about his troubles.

"How you feeling?" Brian asked, walking closer to his bed.

"Fine," AJ shrugged. He hadn't expected Brian to come back so soon; he must have only left the hospital to get some lunch before coming back.

Brian lifted himself so that he was halfway sitting on the edge of the bed, and AJ fought the urge to slide his hand underneath Brian's, just to feel the love Brian seemed to emanate. "Just fine?"

AJ shrugged again. "Pretty good, considering."

Brian nodded his head. "I stopped by earlier, but you were sleeping, so I thought I'd stop by again and see if you were awake."

AJ nodded, grateful for the visit but not wanting to show it. There were so many emotions running through his body about what had just happened and the direction everything was headed in now.

"Is your mom coming?"

AJ frowned. "I haven't called her yet."

Brian looked surprised. "Really?"

AJ nodded. "I don't know what to tell her."

Brian shifted his weight, obviously uncomfortable with the topic.

"Where's everyone else?"

"They went out to dinner."

"Why didn't you go?"

Brian shrugged. "I wasn't hungry."

AJ nodded, lowering his head a moment. "They're supposed to be bringing my dinner soon," he said, lifting his head with a small smile. "You can fight me for the jello, if you want."

To his relief, his weak attempt to lighten the situation at least brought a smile to Brian's face. "Naw, that's okay," Brian declined. "I'm not really hungry."

The uncomfortable silence was almost too much for AJ to take; he wanted to burst into tears and confess everything to Brian, but a shrill ringing interrupted his thoughts.

"Shit."

AJ looked up, both at the shock of Brian swearing and at the inconvenience of his cell phone ringing. He was surprised Brian even bothered looking at it; usually he would have just let it go. A pang of jealousy and hurt shot through his heart. Not too long ago, he'd been more important to Brian than anything else, especially at moments like these. Brian never let anything get in the way of their conversations before, why was he answering his phone now?

"I know hon, I'm running late but I'll be there--...no, I'm all right...yeah, I'll be there soon...I know...okay...love you, too...bye bye."

Brian shut his phone with a sigh and shoved it back in his pocket.

"Leighanne?"

AJ's scratchy voice surprised Brian, almost as if the older man had forgotten he was there, and he slowly nodded his head. "Yeah," Brian answered. "Just worried, you know."

AJ nodded his head, even though he didn't. "You can go," he told Brian. "I'm all right."

Brian looked unconvinced. "No you're not."

"Yes I am," AJ insisted, sitting up more and shifting his body. "I don't need you babysitting me all night, so go back to Leighanne." This was how it always went: he'd insist he was all right but Brian wouldn't believe him, and after a little prodding AJ would usually end up spilling his guts, only to have Brian pick him up all over again and put the pieces back together.

There was a pause and AJ was waiting for Brian's voice, to hear him say that he wasn't leaving him and he never would. They were brothers, they never left each other. AJ had gotten so used to Brian's speeches that he almost had them memorized. That's why he was absolutely speechless with the words that came out of Brian's mouth.

"Are you sure?"

AJ was in complete shock. He stared at the wall for a moment, unable to believe that Brian was about to believe him. "What?" he managed to ask.

"Are you sure?" Brian repeated. "If I go, you'll be all right?"

AJ narrowed his eyebrows, his heart feeling like it was literally being torn into two. He was leaving? All he could do was nod his head, not trusting his voice enough to answer him verbally.

"What are you going to do?"

"Nothing," AJ managed. "Probably just go back to sleep."

Brian looked unsure as he studied him, but AJ could tell it wasn't nearly as sincere as it usually was. There was something else on Brian's mind, and it obviously wasn't sticking around with him for much longer.

"I'm fine," AJ insisted, the anger slowly building up inside of him and allowing him to find his voice. "Go do whatever you have to do. Don't worry about me."

"I always worry about you, Jay," Brian told him softly.

AJ's heart warmed at the familiar nickname Brian always used for him, and he almost believed the words he'd spoken.

"I'll call you tomorrow morning all right?" Brian asked him, picking up his coat. "You let me know if there's anything I can do for you, okay?"

AJ nodded his head numbly as he watched Brian slip his jacket on, then zip it up halfway. With a quick smile, Brian turned around and walked to the door, slipping out and shutting it behind him before AJ knew what had happened.

Brian tossed and turned, unable to sleep. The hotel room was dark except for the light from the streetlamp outside shining through the curtains. They usually got rooms on a higher floor, but with having to keep their rooms at the last minute, they had to settle with whatever was left, and that meant moving to the second floor.

With a sigh of frustration, Brian tossed his covers to the side of the bed and swung his legs over the edge, letting his bare feet hit the soft carpet. He walked over to the window and looked out, surprised to see a good amount of people outside. It was almost one o'clock in the morning, but the streetlamps kept the sidewalks lit for the pedestrians and those returning to the hotel.

Yet, despite all of the distractions, Brian couldn't keep his mind focused on anything but his dream. It kept coming over and over, forcing Brian to relive it all over again.


"AJ! Something--he fell--he's bleeding--he...oh God!"

Even though Brian was too flustered to talk coherently, Kevin was able to put two and two together. He flew out of the room and sprinted down the hallway, reaching AJ's room quickly and throwing the door open. The bathroom door was open and the light was on, and Kevin could see AJ's feet sticking out of the doorway.

Suddenly Brian appeared behind him.

"Call 911!" Kevin ordered.

Without hesitation, Brian disappeared, just as Howie and Nick appeared.

"What the hell?"

"Help me move him," Kevin ordered.

Howie quickly stepped into the bathroom picking AJ's limp body off the ground as they carefully carried him into the hallway. Nick watched in horror as a trail of blood followed them out of the bathroom.

"He's bleeding!"

"I know, Nick!" Kevin cried. He could hear Brian talking frantically on the phone.

"It looks like he hit his head," Nick continued, his voice slightly stronger and less panicked than Howie's.

"Nick, go help Brian," Kevin instructed.

Understanding how easily Brian panicked, Nick nodded and went into the living room. Howie knelt down next to his closest friend in the group and watched as Kevin lowered his ear to AJ's chest and let his hand hover over AJ's mouth. Finally he sat back up with a half-way relieved look on his face.

"He's breathing," Kevin exhaled.

Just five minutes later, the paramedics arrived, carting AJ off so fast that none of them had the chance to follow. For the most part, they were all in too much shock over what was happening.

Once everyone had left, Kevin, Nick, Howie and Brian were left in the small hallway of AJ's hotel suite, all silent.

Nick let himself fall back against the doorframe of the bathroom door and slid to the ground. His head fell to the side as he let out a sigh, but something quickly caught his eye. Despite the small pool of blood next to the bathtub, there was something hidden behind the toilet. Nick pulled himself up and stepped closer so that he could see around the toilet, then picked the small object up.

It was a pill bottle, and as he examined it, his eyes grew big. The prescription had just been filled today, and now it was empty.

"Kevin?"

"What?"

Nick looked at the bottle in his hands again before looking up at the older man. "What's this?"


It had been the most heart-breaking moment of his life. Even with his heart surgery or deaths in the family, Brian had had the idea in his head that someday it could happen. But when Nick picked up that empty pill bottle, it felt like his heart had completely stopped beating.

No, he'd told himself. There was no way he would do it. Brian knew AJ had gotten to the end of his rope a number of times, but never would he have thought he would go that far. It hadn't even crossed his mind. All of the times he'd listened to AJ and comforted him, Brian never would have thought that he would go that far.

It killed him. He wanted to know why, but once he thought about it he realized he probably didn't.

Kevin came to visit him. The older man looked a bit more stressed than usual, but AJ chalked that up to the fact that he was looking back at Kevin from a hospital bed. At least he wasn't in restraints anymore.

At the moment, Kevin was filling AJ in on everything that was going on with the group. They'd all talked to management, who had advised the group to lie about AJ's situation and make up an excuse of why he would be in a hospital, like a broken leg.

"That's stupid."

Kevin rolled his eyes. "Do you have a better idea?"

AJ just shrugged his shoulders. He didn't have any idea of what to do, but he hated the current situation and he hated that it was causing everyone so many damn problems. A couple of times already he'd wished everything had turned out the way he'd intended, but then he saw one of the guys or his family and he was grateful that he had woken up, even if it was in this hospital.

"Alex, what do you want us to do?" Kevin was talking to him again.

"I don't know," he shrugged.

"You don't know?"

AJ shook his head, pouting a little. He was tired of this. He was tired and in no mood to argue with anyone, especially not Kevin.

"Age, we need to talk about this."

"No we don't," AJ snapped, getting defensive. "Why don't you talk to the doctors, first? They'll tell you whatever you want to know, but I don't want to talk to you about it."

Kevin frowned, and AJ could read a lot from the man's face.

"You already tried."

Kevin's face turned guilty.

"Jesus Christ, you already tried to talk to them about me, didn't you?" AJ asked. "What, they wouldn't tell you anything?"

Reluctantly, Kevin shook his head. "I just didn't think you'd want to talk about it."

"I don't!" AJ cried.

Kevin winced. "Look, Age, I know you don't want to, but I need to know what's going on," he said, his voice soft and non-threatening. "I'm worried about you. We all are."

AJ didn't say anything. He preferred pouting and staying angry.

"Have you talked to Brian?"

AJ quickly lifted his head and looked at Kevin, wondering what the reasoning behind his sudden change of subject was. "What?"

Kevin frowned. "I haven't seen him all day," he told AJ. "Yesterday he was acting...not like himself."

"How?" AJ asked. Brian hadn't seemed to act out of the ordinary to him.

Kevin sighed, running his hand through his hair. "He's in denial."

"Of what?"

It was probably a stupid question, but AJ didn't care. His heart wrenched at the thought of Brian being hurt by him.

"Of what's happening with you."

He paused for a moment to gather his thoughts, then finally walked over to the chair next to AJ's bed and sat down, looking up at AJ with a much softer look than he'd had all morning. It seemed to AJ that he was giving up, and the glimpse of Kevin showing anything but his strong, stubborn tendencies make him even more uncomfortable than when he was grilling him with questions.

"He won't admit that it really happened," Kevin told him. "He keeps insisting that it was an accident, that you'd never do something like this, and AJ, you know we really didn't think you would, but he's just refusing to believe it."

AJ was surprised and not quite sure what to think, let alone say. "Why?" he finally sputtered, not caring that he probably sounded like a two-year old.

"I don't know," Kevin shook his head. "I don't know why he's acting like he is. I've never seen him totally flat-out refuse to acknowledge something like this. I mean, you know - he's always the one there at your side, never leaving for a second, always ready to help you with anything or comfort you. He's always the one with the confidence that everything will be all right."

AJ's face had completely dropped, but Kevin didn't notice it until he was done talking.

"Age?"

AJ didn't answer.

"Age, you okay?" Kevin asked, walking over with a worried look.

Finally, AJ nodded. "I'm fine, Kev," he said, offering a weak smile. "I just got really tired, that's all. I think I'm going to take a nap, is that cool?"

Kevin sighed, obviously not wanting to let AJ get out of the conversation they'd started, but realizing that both of them were no longer in the mood to continue it. "Yeah, okay," Kevin nodded. "I'll take off, give you a break."

AJ smiled gratefully and Kevin gathered his coat.

"I'll call you later. If you're feeling better we'll drop by tonight, okay?"

AJ nodded, so Kevin left, closing the door behind him. His large frame cast a shadow on the blinds as he walked past the window, and when he finally disappeared AJ lowered his head into his hands and cried.

Brian understood AJ, or at least he seemed to understand his endless babbling when he finally came home and he helped get him into bed.

Never fail, Brian would always be there for him, willing to help him when no one else was there. It was always Brian he could count on. Even more than himself.

That's probably why it hurt the most when Brian mentioned his drinking.

Kevin and the rest of the group had considered it a problem long ago, and AJ had long since grown tired of their attempts to get him to slow down his partying. It was just the annoying side of the group, trying to control his life and keep him from having any fun. They didn't trust him.

But when Brian finally said something to him, how concerned he was about the habits AJ was forming and the path he was headed down, it scared AJ more than he realized.

AJ told himself that Brian was turning into the rest of the guys, not wanting him to have any fun, but AJ knew the real reason.

Brian wouldn't have said anything if he didn't really think AJ might have a problem, and that was the most frightening thing for AJ to come to terms with. He didn't want to think about the amount of alcohol he was consuming, or the new drugs he was trying without hesitation. He didn't want to think about how he couldn't go an entire day without drinking and how he it had started to interfere with his performances. So long ago, he'd never had to have any substances in his body when he performed, but now he couldn't remember the last time he'd done a concert sober.

So, since all of that was entirely too frightening to even think about admitting his problems to himself, AJ blew up and threw everything back in Brian's face. He couldn't remember ever being so mean to someone, but AJ didn't let his resolve waver until Brian had left his room. And once the door shut, AJ was bawling like a baby and throwing anything within reaching distance against the wall.

Kevin started banging on his door, so AJ stopped making so much noise just to get him to go away, but he spent the rest of the night getting drunk again, thanks to the stash he'd brought with him in his bag.

AJ spent days being angry with Brian and not acknowledging anyone in the group, but had eventually gotten over his pride and apologized, and it didn't take long for Brian to forgive him.

It wasn't brought up again.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Sitting in his hospital bed, staring at the ceiling of his dark room, AJ remembered back to when Brian and Samantha broke up, and how it had surprised the entire group. The two of them were perfect for each other, but suddenly it was over and nobody really knew what happened.

AJ had waited to hear it from Brian, but Brian never shared it with anyone. He knew it hurt Brian a lot, though, because he kept to himself so much afterwards. And then Brian shared his songs with the group and it opened their eyes a little to the pain he was going through.

That was one thing AJ had always admired about Brian. When he was overwhelmed with any of his emotions, he dealt with it in such a healthy way; he wrote a song about it or he talked to someone, two things AJ didn't have much experience with.

AJ frowned; why couldn't he have learned that so much earlier? Maybe it would have saved all of this turmoil that he'd caused.

He remembered when Amanda broke up with him; it felt like his world was ending. Brian had tried to help him - all of the guys tried to help him - but he wouldn't listen to any of them. That was how he was, always so stubborn to learn things on his own without anyone's help.

If only he would have slowed down and taken the chance to look around. Maybe he would have noticed what he knew now. Maybe he could have avoided all of these repercussions.

The hospital wasn't very comfortable to AJ; he couldn't wait until he got to go home. Of course, that wouldn't be for quite a while.

After breaking the news to his mom, together they'd decided that a center in Arizona seemed like the best option for him right now. He felt bad about interrupting the tour, but the guys hadn't seemed too angry about it. For a while now they'd all been pretty concerned about him, AJ realized that too now that he was having such a reality check, and he figured taking a little time off so he could get his life together wasn't too big of a sacrifice.

Plus, AJ knew now that he had a problem, and he needed help. Being in the hospital for two days was already driving him nuts. He couldn't stop sweating and he felt like he was going to jump out of his skin.

He needed a drink.

There was a knock on the door, and AJ looked up from the sink, where he was splashing cold water on his face. He looked up but had to wipe the water away from his eyelashes before he could clearly see Brian standing in the doorway.

Wiping his hands on the towel, AJ stepped over to his bed and sat down on the edge of it. "Hey."

Brian pursed his lips together in a sort of smile and let the door shut behind him.

"What's up?" AJ tried to act as normal as possible, but he felt like he was going out of his mind. He was pretty sure Brian would be able to tell, too.

Brian looked reluctant, as if there was something he needed to say but was too afraid. AJ felt his heartbeat quicken, but that was normal when Brian was around. Nonetheless, Brian remained by the door, shifting his feet and staring at the ground as if he were uncomfortable.

"Brian, what's wrong?" AJ finally asked, growing agitated.

Brian looked up at him and let out a sigh. "Kevin wants the rest of us to go to New York." He paused to let out a deep breath. "He doesn't want to lie about what's going on. He thinks that telling the truth about your problems and that you're getting help is the best way to go."

Brian paused for a moment, but AJ knew there was more.

"He thinks it'll help you stay sober, if everyone in the world knows."

AJ rolled his eyes, despite the seriousness of the situation. It was obvious that Brian had been sent to tell him about their decision, and hopefully talk him into agreeing with it.

"We don't want to do anything without you," Brian told him.

Rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands, AJ let out a sigh and looked up at the ceiling.

"Kevin thinks it's the best idea."

AJ lowered his head and looked over at Brian, who was still standing awkwardly by the door, his hands shoved in the pockets of his jeans. "What do you think?"

Brian's face didn't show much of a reaction, but he allowed himself to relax and slide his hands out of his pockets, running one through his hair. "I think it's the best choice we have," he finally said.

AJ stared at Brian, their eyes locked. "Okay."

Brian kept his eyes locked with AJ's, but didn't say a word. Finally he nodded his head and let some air out of his nose. "We're flying to New York tomorrow, after you leave for Arizona. They have us on The Today Show and MTV."

AJ nodded, taking all of the information in, and tried to remain unaffected, but he felt the tears building up behind his eyes. "I can't believe I screwed everything up so bad."

Brian didn't say anything, and AJ buried his face in his hands.

"I screwed up royally," he groaned. "I lost everything."

"AJ, that's impossible." Brian's voice was closer. "There's no such thing as losing everything."

Lifting his head, AJ saw that he'd stepped closer to him. He looked at Brian with a blank expression, causing Brian to smile.

"That's what you're doing here," he said, referring to the hospital and rehab center. "So you can realize that even if you do lose your job and your house and everything else around you, there's still part of you in there."

Brian drove the point with the serious look in his eyes, the even tone in his voice, and his fingertip softly touching AJ directly over his heart.

"You'll always have yourself," Brian repeated. "That's what I've always hoped you'd realize, that it doensn't matter what other people think of you. You just need to be happy with yourself. That's the reason you're going to Arizona, so you can fix what's gone wrong in your life and use it to help make yourself whoever you want to become. So you can come to the point where you know, if you lost everything you own, you would still be the same person."

AJ heard what Brian was saying, but as much as he appreciated it, he was too stubborn at the moment to give the reaction Brian was most likely looking for. Brian seemed to realize this because he didn't look too disappointed, or too expectant.

Finding himself becoming quickly annoyed with Brian's reactions, or lack thereof, AJ rolled his eyes, falling back against the elevated head of the hospital bed. "Okay, you can go back and tell the guys you got me to agree."

Brian didn't smile. In fact, he didn't move from his spot, and when AJ looked up at him, he saw something else behind Brian's usually clear blue eyes. "I need to talk to about something else."

AJ's heart leapt into his throat, but he managed to nod his head.

Brian grabbed a chair and pulled it closer to AJ's bed, sitting down and leaning forward so his elbows were resting on his knees.

"You okay?" AJ asked.

Brian nodded, but he didn't even look up at him. Instead, he ran his hand through his hair a few times and let a deep sigh. "Leigh and I kind of decided to try and..." he trailed off, and AJ wasn't sure if he was going to finish, but then Brian took a deep breath. "We decided to try and have a baby."

AJ's eyes widened.

"We've been trying for a few months now," Brian continued, unable to look at AJ, "and we just found out that Leigh is pregnant."

AJ was surprised, but a little confused as to why this was so hard for Brian to tell him.

"I know I've been a little pre-occupied lately, but I really love her, Age. What I have with her is something I've dreamt of having my entire life. I can't explain that, either, I just know it's right. I know it is."

AJ realized that Brian was trying to apologize, and was stunned for a moment.

"I've been concentrating so hard on Leigh and trying to show her that we can have a baby through all of this, and I guess I just got too caught up in it and forgot that there were other important things..."

He trailed off, and AJ looked up at Brian, struggling to hold his tears back. He knew that if he even opened his mouth he would probably start crying, but how could he not say anything? Brian was feeling all of this pain and was trying to take the blame for what AJ had done, when in fact Brian had been his one true friend through it all.

"Jay, I'm so sorry."

The tears in Brian's voice were evident now, and AJ felt his own tears falling down his face.

"It's not your fault," he managed, choking back his tears. "Brian, you're the one reason I made it as long as I did, you have no reason to feel guilty for anything. I owe you so much, please don't feel responsible for this. I couldn't live with myself if I knew you felt responsible."

Brian didn't say anything, but AJ knew he was still beating himself up over it.

"You've been the best friend I've ever had," AJ told him. "You've been there for me so much longer than anyone else has. All of those nights you stayed with me, it meant so much to me that you cared that much, and you're the only one who's come near me in the past six months. I live for the moments you talk to me or stay with me in my room. I swear, Brian, you're the best friend I ever could have asked for. You never gave up on me."

He shouldn't have been surprised that Brian was crying - Brian and Kevin were both known for their ability to cry at the drop of a hat - but for some reason AJ was. It was just dawning on him how much his decisions were affecting not just Brian, but the whole group. He hadn't taken the time to think about anyone else, but now with Brian standing in front of him, crying because of him, it was a complete rude awakening.

"AJ, you'll always be my friend, no matter what happens to us," Brian said, his voice a little shaky from his emotions. "No matter what you go through, I'll never give up on you. I couldn't even if I wanted to, because I know what a good heart you have."

"So you don't hate me?"

The look on Brian's face softened. "Jay, I'd never hate you."

For the first time in so many months, AJ smiled - he couldn't help it. Brian had just proven to him what true friendship meant, and for the hundredth time, he wondered how he had gotten so lucky.

"You'll always be a best friend to me."

Brian's final words brought the tears back to AJ's eyes, so instead of attempting to find his voice, AJ stepped forward and embraced Brian in a fierce hug. Closing his eyes, AJ knew that the friendship he shared with Brian wasn't over. It was just beginning.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I can see the joy in simple things
The scarlet sky, and all the songs we used to sing
I have walked and I have prayed
I could forgive and we could start again
In the end, you are my one true friend

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It looked like it was going to be a good day.

The sun was peaking out over the horizon, and the birds were waking up and beginning to sing. AJ sat on his balcony, wondering to himself why he hadn't ever done this before. Brian had told him so many times how amazing it was to start your day with the rising of the sun, but he'd been too caught up in his own world to listen.

All of that was different now.

Two weeks ago he'd left the rehab center in Arizona, feeling better about himself and his life than he ever had before. Of course, it hadn't been the easiest transition coming back into the "real world", as he liked to call it, after being in such a safe, protected place for so long, but he was becoming more and more confident as the days went by.

Today was his first day back on tour, and tonight would be their first concert back together since they'd postponed the tour for him. He'd joined them in Houston last night, and as he looked at it, today marked the beginning of a new era.

"Looking back on the things I've done, I was trying to be someone..."

His voice trailed off in the morning air, but a smile slowly crossed his face. It'd been a while since he'd sang all of those beautiful harmonies with the group, but he hadn't gone one day without singing to himself in Arizona. In some ways, it'd been his only comfort. Knowing that even though he was in the middle of the biggest crisis of his life, he still had friends and his family waiting for him when he returned, willing to encourage him and support him in any way they could.

A noise to his left caught his attention, and when AJ looked over to the balcony just a foot away from his own, he saw the screen door being pulled to the side and a familiar figured step out into the cool morning air.

"Hey."

Brian's head snapped to his right to see AJ sitting on his own balcony, leaning back in his chair with his feet propped up on the railing. His look of surprise disappeared and was replaced with an amused grin.

"What the hell are you doing out here?"

AJ knew he had a damn good reason to be so surprised. The AJ that Brian knew didn't know anything before 9:00am. A smile slowly spread across AJ's face as he kept his head turned over his shoulder, looking at Brian.

"A friend told me that there's nothing like seeing the sun come up. I figured I should see it for myself."

Brian's smile still hadn't wavered.

"It's a big day."

Brian nodded with agreement, knowing that the restart of the tour was a big accomplishment, considering everything they'd had to work through in order to make it to this point.

With his trademark grin that still caused AJ's heart to do a little flip, Brian looked over at his friend with a knowing look in his eye. "Well this is a great way to start."

AJ stared at his friend. He knew he shouldn't be surprised at such a chipper comment coming from Brian, but it just seemed to touch him today more than it ever had. After everything they'd gone through, with the group and between the two of them, AJ knew how lucky he was to still have such a close relationship with the man. After everything that had been thrown in their way, for AJ to know that Brian still supported him meant a lot, and AJ felt a bit guilty because he had no clue how to express that to Brian.

This was a big day, but Brian was right; this was a great way not only to start the day, but also this new chapter of his life.