I woke up to the sound of my own screaming! I sat up temporarily unaware of my surroundings. This scenario was getting more and more familiar to me. The nightmares would come all night long leaving me waking up in a cold sweat. My heart beating so fast in my chest that I could barely breathe. I looked around the room only to realize that my nightmare is actually reality. Come on Nick you can do this breathe... breathe. I closed my eyes and took some long, deep breaths and eventually I managed to calm myself down. This has unfortunately become a new ritual for me ever since being kidnapped.

By the dim light shinning through the one window in my prison, I could tell that the gray of day was beginning to show it's face. I stood up and stretched. Picking up my journal to see where I had left off. My journal was quickly becoming my new best friend. I found myself talking to it like it could actually answer me. I even gave it a name, Julia.

I picked Julia up and read my entries from yesterday. I would never read what I wrote until the next day. I wanted everything to read perfectly in the event that someday someone might actually need it as a piece of evidence. I needed to make sure that my story was told properly. I shuddered at that word. Evidence. I only hope that someone came across the draw of evidence I left in my hotel room. I'm glad I didn't take it with me. I almost didn't bring Julia along. Thank goodness for second thoughts.

At the beginning of my tale, I was pretty sloppy with details and fragmented thoughts. That was when I was new to this whole 'prisoner' thing. My journal reads like part novel, part escape plan. I make sure I hide it every night just in case they were to come down and see it. I knew they were aware I had it with me. After all they were the ones who gave me Julia. Big mistake on their parts. She was going to be my ticket out of this place. I was not going to end up like poor Tye Buckman or any of the other guys they had killed before me. I may be a little naive and at times stupid but I was not going to be a victim.

Every day I check off at least two things I want to find out about them. I thought I knew them but apparently I was mistaken. Through those little queries, I have already found out that Mizpah literally meant Watchpost.That was why they had strategically placed that word inmy drinking glass. It also means May the Lord Watch us and keep us safe when we are apart one from the other. It's actually nice when you think about it. It was a Bible quote which means that maybe Brian would figure it out. Maybe he already has.

The guys... I wonder what they think about all of this. They obviously know. They put out a huge reward for any info. They must be worried sick. My family must be worried sick too. The worst part is that the enemy is still there. Watching them and working for them. "They're really smart but they'll slip up won't they Julia?" I kissed my journal and opened it up to see what my assignment of the day was. I heard the door open and immediately threw Julia under the bed and laid down as if I was just waking up.


"Good morning sweet pea!" she said carrying down a huge plate of pancakes.

"Did you sleep well?" I sat up and gave her a scowl.

"Don't call me that!" I said to her. Scowl still firmly planted on my face.

"Aw, now why not honey? That's always been my nickname for you! when are you gonna stop being so mad at me huh?" She came and sat next to me on the bed and I had to try my best not to just knock her on her ass. She began to lovingly rub my back. "Nick, I know you're upset with us, but believe me, everything will work out for the best. you'll see." I grabbed the plate from her and sat at the little table. She went into my fridge and grabbed me a bottle of apple juice.

"So, if things are going to work out, does that mean you guys are going to come to your senses and let me go?" I asked before stuffing a wad of pancake in my mouth. I needed to carbo load for strength. No starvation diets to prove a point here.

"No Nicky, you don't need to leave us. Everything you need is right here." We are a family now, the three of us. You'll see."

"Just like poor old Tye?" I asked her. She started to cry. I have to remember to write that down I thought as I continued, "Was Tye one of the family too? Is that how you treat family Trish? you kill them when you're done with them?" She looked up at me, wiping tears from her eyes.

"No, you're just being hurtful because you are homesick. That's all."

"No, Trish, I am being hateful because I am full of hate. For you and for him!" She stood up to leave. "I can't talk to you when you are like this, I'll be back down later."
She ran up the stairs locking the door behind her.

AHHHH I have to learn how to control my damn temper! I said under my breath. I quickly ran over to my bed and took out Julia. I jotted down what just happened and the fact that she cried at the mention of Tye's name. I made that my goal for today. Find out what kind of relationship she had with Tye, with all of them before they got to me.

I then went over to the wall by my bathroom and scratched off another mark. According to the marks on the wall I had been there for ten days. That leaves me 354 more before I die....

God please watch over him and protect him from anything that he may encounter while he is away from the people who love him. In your name we pray Amen.

That prayer has become a new ritual ever since Nick's abduction ten days ago. Wow I can't believe it's been ten whole days! I remember it like it was yesterday. Calling Nick and hearing that haunting, evil, voice on the other line instead. I begged him to leave Nick alone. He wouldn't listen. just hung up the phone on me. I called the number so many times that night that my finger's actually went numb. The police had already been called, Joe already taken to the hospital and yet I still clung to the phone and redialed. Kevin had to physically grab the phone out of my hand. Even then, I was mentally stuck in that moment. He's gone....."He's Gone"

"What Rok?" AJ asked Brian with a worried look on his face. Brian turned to AJ and the far away look he had in his eyes made the younger man concerned.

"I said he's gone AJ. How does someone just disappear? It doesn't make sense."

AJ pulled Brian into a hug. "I don't know Bri, we just have to pray that he is all right."

Kevin stormed into the house and threw his keys on the floor. "Dammit!"

"What's wrong Kev?" Brian said as he let go of AJ.

"The police have NO real leads. The last tip they got wound up being complete nonsense!" Howie who had been watching the whole scene unfold finally spoke up.

"I knew it was a bad idea to let the public know about this. They aren't going to get a real lead. Just a bunch of attention seeking whackos!"

Ten days without a single clue? Joe was badly beaten after Nick's kidnapping and the police were hoping that he would be able to offer any evidence. A description, male or female, anything that would help. unfortunately when Joe woke up from being unconscious for two days, he didn't remember anything. We were hoping that he could at least tell us Nick's condition but seeing how badly beaten the super huge body guard was, Nick's condition was left to our unfortunate imaginations...

"Yeah good idea J, what do you think Brian?" Kevin glanced over at his cousin seeing that he wasn't paying attention.

"Brian!" Brian looked at his cousin. "Yes?" He seemed totally oblivious to the conversation we were having about what to do next.

"J said that maybe we should think about going back to California. The police said there wasn't anything more we could do here."

California? Oh that's right. We were in California when it happened. Too many miles away from Nick to help. The day after his abduction, we boarded a plane for Marathon and have been staying at a hotel. Nick's house was off limits to us but Kevin insisted on going anyway. He came back in tears. He said the house was a shambles and there were pools of blood everywhere. We could only hope that the blood belonged to Joe and only Joe. The police were there searching for evidence and threw Kevin out of the house. Not before he realized that his house was stripped bare of all of the things he loved. He pointed that out to the police, they seemed thankful...

"I don't want to" Brian's calm almost far away demeanor was replaced with an icy cold tone.

"Brian, we should, it would do us all good. You could get to see Leigh again and we could clear our heads and maybe come up with some clues of our own." Howie seemed so urgent when he said that. I could tell he just needed to get away from the fear of what happened.

"Does Trish know anything?"

"Brian we have been through this a thousand times, no she was at this hotel when it happened and she has no clue. She is as upset as we are." AJ seemed to be getting annoyed.

"Well, I'm gonna ask her myself. Just in case.."

"Fine Brian you do that, she will be here later today." With that said AJ went to leave the room.

"Wait J, can we all say a quick prayer? Maybe that would make us feel better." J turned around and made his way over to the rest of the guys. They joined hands and bowed their heads.

God please watch over him and protect him from anything that he may encounter while he is away from the people who love him. In your name we pray Amen.

---

After eating my breakfast I moved on to the treadmill and jogged for about one hour. I found my morning jogs were helpful to me. Getting out all of my frustration and clearing my mind. I was drying off the sweat that had formed on the back of my neck when the door opened up again. Okay don't blow it this time Carter! I urged myself.

Trish walked slowly down the steps and hesitated before walking into the main room. She seemed nervous. I could use that.

"Hi Trish" I noticed her body language loosen up when I acknowledged her.

"Hey sweetie, Are you in better spirits?" I wanted to rip her head off but I put on my mask.

"Yes, sorry about earlier, I must have been grumpy. I didn't mean to upset you" A huge smile played on her lips and I started to feel physically ill. She sat down on my bed. I always get scared when they get too close to my bed. I don't need them finding my journal. I tried to distract her.

"So, If you don't mind me asking, why did you get so upset when I mentioned Tye?" She looked sad and I was afraid that she wasn't going to say anything.

"He was a great kid, kind of reminds me of you. He was so polite and he had the greatest sense of humor. You would have liked him Nick."

"Yeah it sounds like I would've. So what happened?" She looked down at her feet.

"He just...he had to go, that's all" The nonchalant way she was referring to his death made me shaky. "It was his time. I didn't want him to go." She started to cry but this time I went over to console her. She hugged me.

"Thanks Nick. You are such a good boy!" She stood up, wiped the tears from her eyes and used my mirror to fix her hair.

"Well, off to work I go." She said as she headed up the stairs.

"Trish!" she stopped and looked at me.

"Are the guys...you know, are they okay?" It made me sick that she was still working for them but at the same time she could also be my eyes.

"I will see them for the first time today. They are devastated. They miss you Nick." She then continued up the stairs.

I miss them too...

No time for emotions now though, I ran over to Julia and jotted down what Trish said about Tye. It wasn't much but the fact that she opened up to me was a good thing. I then wrote down, I Have to find out where I am I know we are close enough that Trish can get back and forth to the guys in one day but that really didn't help. We had places all over the world. My guess was that we were in California but we could also be down in Florida. I'd have to find out for sure.

---

Brian locked his door behind the guys and stood there staring. The days were so hard to get through.

Maybe going back home would be a good idea. I would get to see Leigh again. She would make things better. I could go to his hotel room. I need to feel him there. Trish, I have to ask her if he was okay the last time she saw him. If he had maybe told her something he hadn't told us. If only we would have been a little closer...can't think about that now. He knew what that word meant. He knew maybe more than he let on to...

He then walked over to the crucifix he kept at his bedside and said a little prayer for the twentieth time that day.

God please watch over him and keep him safe while he is apart from the ones he loves.
God please watch over him and keep him safe while he is apart from the ones he loves
God please watch over him.....

I sat there nervously twiddling my thumbs while I waited to talk to Trish. I don't know why, but ever since Nick has been gone, I have felt animosity towards her. Maybe it was because she was the last person to see him. Maybe it was because I was jealous, whatever the case, I was angry at her. Joe too! How could someone who is trained in everything from the martial arts to boxing, be so easily taken down?

"Are they going to fire him?" I asked Howie as he entered the suite.

"Not sure, If I was them, I would" He said as he grabbed a bagel and sat down on the couch next to me. He knew what I was talking about because we had brought it up earlier. Joe seemed like a nice enough guy but he didn't do his job. He was having a meeting with the heads of security today. We recommended that he be fired.

"I heard some people talking before and they think this is all a publicity stunt." Howie said, disgust evident in his voice.

"What? That's the stupidest thing I have ever heard!"

"Yeah, they said they heard it reported on MTV. Supposedly, someone from Jive told them that Nick is doing this for publicity. You know, since his album is coming out soon." I was so angry I thought I was going to spit!

"I hate those idiots over there!" Howie just nodded his head in agreement. I really did hate them. I also wouldn't be surprised if Jive really did do that. Hell if it would sell more records, they might have even kidnapped him themselves! AJ came into the room looking tired. I think it's been awhile since we have not been tired. I know all of my nights have been totally restless.

"Hey guys what's up?" He said grabbing a cup of coffee.

"Nothing much just rumors" He looked at me and smiled.

"Oh are you talking about the MTV thing? I heard that today. They think it's odd that Nick was kidnapped and nobody asked for a ransom." He then laughed, "Who knows maybe this is the biggest prank Nick has pulled on us EVER!"

Howie laughed but I didn't find it the least bit funny.

Truthfully it scared the crap out of me that they haven't asked for a ransom. It scared us all. That's what everyone was expecting at first. A call asking for ten million dollars or something. The FBI came in and wired all our phones. After the first week, they started to fear the worst. We had explained to them about the crazy calls we had gotten and a profiler was brought into the case. He didn't make us feel any better. He figured that it was someone so obsessed with Nick that he would never want to give him back. Not for any dollar amount in the world. So, we started to offer money to anyone else who might have seen or heard anything. That meant going public with the story. We were all divided on what we should do. Kevin and I thought the more people who knew Nick was missing the better it would be. Howie and AJ thought just the opposite. That it might anger Nick's captor. In the end, we decided to go public. It hasn't done much good. Just upsetting our fans.

The door to the room security was having their meeting in opened and out walked Joe. I never really got a good look at him up close. He looked awful. He had two black eyes that were starting to heal but you could still see the bruising. He was walking slightly bent over. I heard that he was thrown down a flight of steps. After seeing him I believed it. I suddenly started feeling bad that we had requested he be fired. He walked over to us and I kept my eyes down. Feeling ashamed.

"Hi guys" He said in almost a whisper. The three of us looked up at him and could tell despite his tall brooding frame, he looked like he had been crying.

"I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for letting this happen" Howie stepped in before he could finish.

"Joe, don't blame yourself, you did all that you could." He said patting the tall man on the arm.

"No, seriously, I didn't do my job. Nick wa...is my friend and I let him down. He might be dead because of me!" I wanted to say I KNOW! IT IS ALL YOUR DAMN FAULT!!! But I only gave a sympathetic smile. AJ asked the question playing on everyone's mind

"So what's next for you? Are you staying on with us?" Howie shifted nervously at the question.

"No, I was just fired. They said the door is always open somewhere else, but I understand why you wouldn't want me back" AJ was just about to protest but Joe continued on, "AJ it's okay really, I just wish you guys the best! When you find Nick tell him I'm sorry okay?" Howie embraced the large man.

"Will do buddy now you take care of yourself!"

"I will" He said and then he walked out the door. We all just kind of looked at each other not knowing what to say when in SHE walked. Looking as tired as the rest of us.

"Hey guys" She said as she approached me and gave me a huge hug. She then went down the line and did the same to all of us.

"How are you all holding up?" Trish asked hesitantly. We all just kind of shrugged.

"Could be better I guess, and you?" D asked, "How have you been?" She started to cry. I mean not cry more like ball her eyes out! I pulled her close to me. Tears forming in my own eyes. Suddenly my hatred turned to understanding.

"I don't know how much more of this I can take. I think about him constantly." She said wiping her eyes with a tissue. I took a tissue and did the same.

"Trish, we just have to believe he will be okay." I held her tight to me while she wept.

"I know, I'm trying Brian but it has been so hard." I pulled her over to the other end of the room so we could talk privately for a minute.

"Trish, I was wondering if Nick had mentioned anything to you about receiving threats?" She looked a little surprised by the question. Her body tensed up.

"Um, no just that maybe AJ might have been getting threats from some guy..why do you ask?" I was disappointed.

"What about calls or letters that seemed odd? Did he get anything out of the ordinary?"

"Brian I wish I could help but I honestly don't recall Nick mentioning anything to me." I just nodded my head without saying anything. Then as she walked away I had to ask.

"Trish?" She turned around.

"Yes?" I walked over to her and was in ear shot of the other three guys.

"What was his demeanor when you saw him last? Was he happy?" My voice almost broke when I said that and the rest of my band mates looked down at the floor.

"Honey, he was so happy! He was glad that you guys had worked out your differences."

"Thanks" I said from tear filled eyes.

"You are welcome" she said and walked out the door hesitating briefly before continuing out.

When Trish left the room I looked over at AJ and Howie and they had the same look of total sadness on their faces.

"She didn't know anything"

"Yeah we heard but maybe something will come to her later, you know maybe being back with the four of us will help her remember something" Howie said with a sound of hope in his voice.

Kevin entered with our management and reps from Jive so that we could really discuss what would happen now that the public was aware of Nick's disappearance. Kyle, one of our manager's waved us over to the table but before we reached it Kevin pulled me back.

"Hey, is everything all right? You guys look like you received some bad news. You didn't did you?"

I looked up at him and simply said, "No, we are sad because we still have NO news" He shook his head letting me know he understood completely and we walked over to start our meeting.

The meeting lasted for over two hours. Jive and management just sat there and brainstormed different ideas about what to do next. The four of us just sat quietly and listened. Some of their problem solving actually mad me sick to my stomach.

The words "cover up" were heard a little too often for my taste. One of the reps from Jive even did bring up the idea that we say this has all been for publicity. What we were dreading most came up next. What to do about Nick's solo album.

It was due to come out at the end of the month. There was to be a massive press junket followed by a live performance on TRL. Obviously that wasn't going to happen. Jive thought it would be a good idea to go ahead and release the album on schedule with our reward number printed on it. I agreed. Nick would have wanted his album to come out no matter what.

We were all just about to agree on that when management at the last minute had a change of heart and decided they should temporarily shelf his project. There was some more arguing and then an agreement was reached that they would push back the release of his CD until he was found. That gave us some hope. Jive did it for business reasons saying that when he was found album sales would triple. They started to talk about in the event of his death and how that would affect sales but they stopped abruptly when Kevin made a B-line over to the guy ready to knock his lights out. Sometimes I really hate this business!

By the end of the meeting we were mentally drained. Everyone had left to go their separate ways leaving the four of us just sitting there.

"God, that was awful!" finally AJ was the first one to speak.

"They talked about Nicky like he wasn't even human, like he was a dog or something!" I looked up at Howie and he looked so sad that I wanted to just get up and hug him, before realizing that I probably looked the same way. We all did.

"Well, truthfully Kevin, I wish you had gone ahead and beat the crap out of that guy! He was an obnoxious ass!" J said as he got up. Howie and Kevin followed.

"So, what's next? Are we going home?" I asked bringing them all to a stop.

"I don't know Rok, are you ready to leave?" J asked while putting on his sunglasses.

"There's nothing more we can do here. Besides like you said it would be nice to get back to Leigh" Kevin smiled as best as he could. Smiling was hard these days.

"Well, then cousin, I say we go home. I'll tell Kyle to make arrangements"

"Good" I need to get to the bottom of this. I need to get to his hotel room I thought as I followed my band brothers out of the room and began packing for home.

---

No one would believe that I was doing this! I said proudly as I finished my 100th sit up. I wish there was a way I could take a picture of me working out and mail it to Kevin. The look on his face would be priceless!

It's funny what being a hostage does to your sense of everyday life and what you find important. If anyone had told me that I would ignore video games and instead exercise and write in a journal, I probably would have peed myself laughing. My how things change. The thought of playing a video game seemed almost repugnant to me. Here they were everyone ever made laid out in front of me and yet they were just collecting dust. I would have given anything to just be able to sit on my ass all day long and play video games. It's funny!

The sound of footsteps coming down the stairs made me jump off the floor and on to the couch. It was him. The madman, or The Mizpah lady! I liked that better. Either way, he was the enemy. My enemy.

"Hello my young friend did you sleep well last night?" Always the same questions every day

"Yeah, sure like a baby" He came over and sat next to me patting my head.

"What have you been up to today?" Uh, like I can be up to anything idiot! I knew better than to say that.

"This and that" He laughed and ruffled my hair. I didn't want him to touch me.

"Have you read the Bible I gave you yet? There will be a test."

"No, I actually haven't gotten around to that yet, sorry" I couldn't help but wonder if he was seriously going to give me a test.

"You should, it's important to be acquainted with the good book. It has gotten me through some really bad days"

"How was work?" I asked trying to change the subject. If he was gonna be down here he might as well be helpful.

"I was fired today" He seemed to tense up and I was afraid he might try to hit me, he then slumped back on the couch.

"Your damn friends recommended that I be fired!" I smiled too, despite what could possibly happen. He just smirked back at me.

"I bet you do enjoy that don't you?" He asked me.

"Ah, yes actually I do." Then I laughed. He got up and moved over to my table. Never taking his eyes off of me.

"Well, that just means that you and I will have lot's of quality time together."

"Hey kid can I ask you a question?" Like I'm gonna say no! He didn't really care if I wanted him to or not.

"Those things we gave you, the letters and the presents...what did you do with them?" I sat up straight. That question surprised me a little and gave me hope. I was afraid that maybe they had figured out that I was keeping them in my room. The fact that he was asking me that gave me hope that maybe the police or someone else found them instead.

"I had told you to call me if you received any threats so that I could hold on to them for you but you never did" He looked a bit annoyed. He never tried to hurt me the whole time I've been here but still there was something in his eyes that made me afraid that at any moment he could snap.

"I threw them all away! I didn't want to worry anybody so I just ignored them all. I know it was stupid. Don't worry I regret it." I was afraid to look up because I have always been a bad liar.

"That's okay, I was just wondering. I know you have the journal though" I couldn't breath when he said that. I was just about to be found out!

"Don't worry I won't read it until AFTER you leave us" It's funny how both He and Trish referred to death as leaving.

He then got up to leave. I needed some info from him first,

"Hey Joe" He stopped and walked over to me.

"I was wondering if maybe you could get me a Tae-Boe tape or something" He laughed

"Why Nick Carter, in the four years I have known you, since when do you ever do that stuff?" I shrugged

"I've got nothing better to do" This brought about a huge laughing fit. If I was a little stronger, I would have tried to over take him right then and there but I wasn't confident in myself. Not yet anyway.

He started to walk up the steps.

"I have a copy at my house" I yelled up to him. He turned around

"I'll tell Trish to pick it up there after she gets off of work, oh wait a minute, she can't because the police won't let her in there. We'll just have to buy you a copy.

“Too bad you threw away that stuff. I was going to make you a scrapbook!"

"Thanks" I said as the door closed.

I ran over to Julia and wrote I am in Florida my goal for the day complete. Then I thought about what he said, he was gonna make me a scrapbook! I started to shake at the thought. This guy really was a madman...

You know we will work things out you and I. Like Kevin said, we're starting fresh.
Nick, be safe and we'll see you in a few days!

That was it. The last time I spoke to him. Those were my last words. Be safe! how prophetic!...

I opened my eyes when we hit a patch of turbulence to see AJ polishing his finger nails next to me. "Well, don't you look pretty" I smirked as AJ gave me the finger. The bumpy ride had resulted in him spilling the black polish all over his tray table and pants. He was spewing cuss words like a storm.

"Well, that's what happens when you try to look COOL J!"

"Yeah yeah whatever, can you move your legs so I can get into the bathroom and clean myself off please?" He said kicking my legs out of his way. I'm glad I was able to laugh. The last few hours were not easy for me. I caused a scene at the airport. I just about threw a temper tantrum when it was time for us to board the plane.

"I don't want to leave him behind!" I said screaming at Kevin.

"Brian you are being ridiculous and everyone is staring at us! We don't need that right now!" I knew Kevin was right but I couldn't stop myself. He pulled himself closer to me

"Bri, come on, let's go for a little walk." So the two of us walked down a small hallway with security following close behind.

I was brought back to the present when AJ, back from the restroom, accidentally stepped on my foot trying to climb over me.

"Ow, Jeez AJ you could have just asked me to move again. That hurt!"

"I did, several times. You were in your own little world AGAIN" The way he said the last word didn't sit well with me.

"Well, I'm sorry if I am preoccupied, some of us give a crap that Nick is missing!"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" He said looking both shocked and hurt.

"I miss Nick just as much as you do Rok and I resent the fact that you think this is only effecting you!" The sound of our bickering brought Kevin and Howie over and they sat in front of us peering over the backs of their new seats.

"Would you guys keep it down please? I heard you all the way from the front. What is the problem?" Kevin asked from clenched teeth.

"Oh Brian seems to think that he is the only one who is upset that Nick is being held by a lunatic!"

"I didn't say that. Stop putting words in my mouth!"

"You might has well have said that because that's what you meant!"

"Shut up J you have NO idea what I'm going through!"

"Oh and why is that?"

"Because..you don't"

"Great answer jackass!"

"Go to hell!"

"ENOUGH!!!!!" The sound of Howie's voice brought the two of us out of our childish argument and caused the flight attendants to all stare in our direction. Noticing his audience he brought his voice down to a whisper.

"That's about all I can take! We need to stick together. If we had from the beginning maybe NONE of this would have even happened. There will be NO more fighting anymore. Do you both understand me?" J and I looked at Howie and nodded. "All right then, make up and that's the end of this bullshit! It does no one any good especially Nicky!" He then turned around and sat down in a huff. Kevin mouthed the words are you okay and I faintly nodded my head yes before he too turned around and sat down. AJ and I sat in silence, him staring out the window and me staring into space.

"This is my fault Brian, you think I don't care? How could I not care it's all my fault!" I looked over at J and as he was talking his eyes never left the window he was gazing out of. I caught his reflection and I saw a shadow of a torn man.

"My ego did this! That's what that friggin psycho said to me. He was right!" A tear ran down his cheek. I gripped his shoulder not knowing what to say. Realizing that anything that would come out of my mouth wouldn't help. I had to try anyway.

"It's not your fault AJ" Is all I said. He turned to face me tears coming down his face, but through the tears came a small smile.

"It's not your fault either Brian, you know that right?" That brought me back to the hallway in the airport. Kevin and I talking with the bodyguards close by...

"You know it's not your fault Brian, stop blaming yourself!" Kevin was almost shaking me when he said that. I couldn't look him in the eye. It was my fault. Totally and completely. The guy had told me flat out that he wanted my little brother.

"I see you together all the time so I'm jealous of you Brian."

That last threat got my attention but I didn't catch on. "He was basically telling me that Nick's life was in danger and my thoughts didn't even go to him. Not even once. Don't you see, I could have prevented this from happening!" I tried to run at that point. From what I'm not even sure. The memories, the pain, myself. Kevin grabbed onto me and wouldn't let go until I finally broke down into big heaving sobs. I sat there on the floor in the hallway and lost it....

"Well?.." I looked up at AJ. He raised his eyebrows at me awaiting an answer that I just wasn't ready to give.

"I don't know J, All I know is you are not to blame."

"No one is" Came Kevin's voice from in front of us. "No one but the guy who took him and he will be punished!" Kevin's voice was so low and hateful when he said that; I was certain that if the police didn't find the guy who did this, then he would.

"So let's say we make a pact. We are not going to blame ourselves for this anymore. What's done is done. Now we start fresh and try to help in anyway that we can." I looked over at my younger band mate and was surprised at the level of maturity he displayed when he said that.

"It's a deal" I said shaking his hand still not totally believing myself as I said it.

"Same here" Howie said followed by a "Ditto" from Kevin.

"I'm sorry AJ about taking my frustration out on you." He put his hand up to shush me. "Not a problem Brian. I'm sorry too" I sat back with my eyes closed. Trying to push all negative thoughts out of my mind.

Nick hated flying...

I remember when we flew over to Europe the first time. We were all so young, Nick was sick the entire plane ride. Making everyone gag because of the constant retching sounds coming from such a small boy. It was before we became family, way back when we were just starting to learn each other's habits good and bad. I was stuck sitting next to him giving his mother a break from the endless bouts of spewing. The sound was too much for me to take and I was just about to make an excuse to leave him behind when he grabbed me.

"No, please don't go" He said and when he looked up at me I saw the desperation in his face. I sat back and stared at this kid. I really saw how young he was at that precise moment. That's when I knew I was meant to be his brother. Watch over him and keep him safe.

"Don't worry junior, I'm not going anywhere" I said as I rubbed his back while he vomitted....

"I'm not going anywhere" I said before falling into a restless sleep.

---

I had the same dreams over and over again. Nick and I walking together, talking and laughing just like the old days. "I bet I can do a backflip over that log!"

"There's no way in hell THAT'S gonna happen Brian"

"Oh yeah? Well watch and learn my young naive friend" I say as I back track survey my surroundings and go for it. As I am running, my target never leaving my eyes, I hear screams coming from the place I had left him. I try to turn around but my feet won't let me.

"Brian HELP ME! PLEASE HELP ME!!!"

I come to the log and in a panic trip over it and fall to the floor. I quickly turn around pulse racing, heart pounding, eyes bulging to see nothing. Nick totally gone. I stand up and start yelling his name hoping that he will respond but the only sound I hear is an owl. I turn around in circles feeling lost, frustrated, scared, and alone. I make myself dizzy and fall to the floor. I close my eyes, heart still racing so fast in my chest that I find it hard to breath.

"Wake up" The owl says to me. I refuse to open my eyes because the fear of what I would find is too hard to deal with.

"Wake up Brian we are here!" It says again sounding a lot like...

"Jesus Christ would you wake the hell up all ready" AJ slapping me woke me up.

"What the hell kind of scary ass dream were YOU having?" I sat up, breathing heavy and put my hand to my chest. This had AJ worried.

"Oh God, Brian are you all right? Kevin!" Kevin walks back up the isle to see why AJ is frantically calling him.

"I'm fine J, I say once my pulse manages to slow down to normal." Kevin meets us at our seats and looks me over. He knows about the dreams. I told him about them while we had our little talk. We stand to leave the plane and Kevin pulls me back.

"Another dream?"

"Yup"

"Same one?"

"Always"

"Are you okay?"

"I will be"

"Good" He then walks right behind me and we start to exit the plane. I am stopped by a stewardess who lovingly smiles at me.

"Mr. Littrell, I'm so sorry to hear about Mr. Carter's disappearance. On behalf of our crew we just want to say we are keeping him and all of you in our prayers.

"Thank You so much um..." I look at her name tag before continuing on, "Anita"

"Thanks Anita and we appreciate that. We could use all the prayers we could get." I then gave her a peck on the cheek. She blushed slightly and then moved out of our way.

Walking down the runway all of the fear I had in the dream came back to me until I saw Leigh standing there. She looked radiant and my fear was temporarily replaced with longing. I grabbed her and we kissed and hugged each other.

"Welcome home baby" She said to me as I held her.

"I needed to see you, you have no idea!" I whispered into her ear as tears once again freely escaped my eyes. We then walked together to my car where I had to remind myself one more time of the pact we had all made in the plane.

"Fresh start!" I took the keys from my wife and we drove back to our house in Los Angeles..

I was warm, I was safe, and I was in the arms of a lady. What could be better than that. Her hair smelled so fresh. She patted my hair. I love it when women run their fingers through my hair.

"Sleep well sweet pea!" She whispers in my ear as she kisses my cheek.

AAAAAAAHHHHHH!! I shout as I bolt upright in my bed knocking Trish to the floor.

"What the hell do you think you are doing? You scared the holy shit out of me!" I yelled at her as she picked herself up.

"Is everything all right down there!" Joe screams from the top of the steps. Trish runs over to the door and yells "Everything's fine, I just startled him!" I quickly move from the bed to the couch. It made me uneasy that she was able to make it down here without me hearing her. I shuddered at the thought of how many times that may have already happened.

"I didn't mean to scare you baby. I was just bringing you a gift. That's all" She walked over and sat down next to me. In her hands was a box wrapped very nicely. She handed it over.

"I thought now that the game is over, you would stop giving me gifts." She looked amused.

"Who said this was a game? I swear it's just like you Nick Carter to turn everything into a big giant game"

I couldn't believe she had anything to do with this. She was talking to me just like we would be talking at an early morning meeting where she would run down my day. Her demeanor was calm and loving. Same as always.

"Trish, how can you be involved in this?" I asked more to see if I would get a rise out of her than really wanting an answer. I needed to find out how mentally gone she was.

"Baby doll, didn't I tell you not to worry about that. This is for the best Nick. End of story!"

"Best for who? Me, you or him?" than I asked my question of the day,

"How are you guys connected anyway?" This has bothered me since day one. They acted like strangers in my company. She smiled and walked over to the table.

"Aren't you gonna open your present?" she asked as she took out a camera and prepared to take a picture. I hesitantly took the box and opened it up. When the contents were revealed she snapped a picture.

"Surprise!" She said

"I hope it was what you wanted" I looked it over and smiled. It was the Tae Boe tape I asked for.

"I don't know why you would want it but hey, it's better than playing video games all day!" I looked at her briefly fantasizing how good it would feel to knock her out with a kick to the head.

"Thanks" I said as I put the tape next to the TV. I walked over and took a seat across from her at the table.

"So, are you gonna answer my question? How do you guys know each other?" She smiled coyly. I knew than that I wasn't gonna get the answer from her.

"I'm going out of town for a few weeks Nick" I felt goose bumps form when she said that. I didn't want to be left alone with him.

"Why?"

"Because the guys have left town and we have some business to attend to. I'll be back in about three weeks. I have to keep up my appearance. We don't want those nasty little boys to catch on do we?" She asked me as though I would actually agree with her.

"Nick, they decided to temporarily shelf your solo project." I had actually forgotten all about it. "I'm sorry. I know how important that was to you." She actually seemed so sincere. I didn't get it.

"I also talked to the guys actually saw them with my own eyes. They are so sad. They look like they haven't slept or eaten. Especially Brian. I felt so bad. I wanted to tell him you were okay. I almost did."

My ears perked up as she spoke. Maybe her conscience will get the best of her. Maybe she will spill the beans. Maybe...

"Don't get excited sweet pea. I wanted to but I NEVER will!" suddenly her nice aura turned black. I sat back on my bed sighing deeply. she came and sat next to me, rubbing my back.

"Aw, Nicky you'll get used to being here and don't worry everything will be okay while I'm gone. Joe won't hurt you. He loves you just like I do."

Love, how could she use that word. I was always put off by people who could use that word without really feeling it. My family had taught me never to use it unless I meant it. I never took the word lightly.

"I'll miss you." She said as she got up to leave.

"Hey, wait a minute." I grabbed her arm and gently pulled her back down next to me.

"Can I ask you something?" She looked over at me with a hesitant expression on her face. She nodded.

"Did I do that to Joe? you know beat him up like that?" She started to laugh.

"Oh goodness no Nick! You thought you did that to him?"

"I had my suspicions. If I didn't than who did?" She continued to laugh.

"You were unconscious within ten minutes of your capture."

"I really don't remember anything. Reading the note and turning around to see him hovering over me. I tried to run but he grabbed me and dragged me off of my feet."

"You were out shortly after that. He used chloroform. It was painless. I promise you weren't hurt."

"So you were there than?"

"Yes" She sounded ashamed. Embarrassed that she had a part in the abduction.

"I'm the one that did that to him!" I looked over at her totally not believing that such a small woman can do so much damage. She looked me in the eye and I knew that she wasn't kidding.

"I waited outside and when he gave me the signal, I came in. You were already sleeping. He had you slumped over his shoulder. He brought you down to the car and came back in to the house. We had to make it look like someone broke in. He told me to hit him over the head with your baseball bat. We stood at the top of the stairs and I closed my eyes and hit him as hard as I could. He fell to the floor unconscious." She looked away her voice becoming little more than a whisper. She seemed to detach from reality at that point almost becoming childlike.

"After he was unconscious, I was about to run out of the house when I stopped. Something made me stop. I ran back over to him and pushed him down the stairs. He didn't wake up. He flew down the stairs like a steamroller. He gained so much momentum that I thought he would roll forever." She laughed. It was a cold heartless laugh and suddenly I was happy that she was leaving but scared for the guys.

"I went over and kicked him to make sure he was alive. I accidentally kicked him in the eye. I picked up a coffee pot. You know the one your Mom gave you for Christmas. I love that one. anyway, I picked up the coffeepot and hit him one more time. I could have hit him more but I stopped. I ran out and brought you here. The police found him and immediately ruled him out as a suspect." When she was done with her confession, she looked back over at me.

"Did they rule you out as a suspect?"

"I think so, they asked me some questions but stopped."

"I have to go now Nick. Be good and I'll see you when I get back." I had an idea..

"When you see Brian, hug him for me. Make him some cabbage!" I said and laughed.

"Cabbage?"

"Yeah he really likes cornbeef and cabbage" She gave me a werid look and laughed.

"You're a strange one Nick Topper" I looked over at her,

"What did you call me?" She seemed nervous

"I said you're a strange one Nick Carter." She then gave me a kiss and walked up the steps.

I learned two very important things from Trish today. I took out Julia and wrote down the word Topper. That had to mean something. Even though I didn't find out about their relationship, I did find out that she hates him. She hates him enough to want to kill him. I hope she mentions cabbage to Brian and I hope he remembers, he has to remember!

I went over to the VCR, put in my tape, and began to work out....

I stayed in my bed for hours. Not really eager to start my day. I had been home for almost two days of which I spent moping around the house driving my poor wife crazy. I could tell she didn't really know what to do or say to make me feel better so she decided to just stay out of my way.

"Sweetie! Kevin just called and he said that the guys are coming over." She stood at the doorway peering in to my still form on the bed. I looked over at her and just nodded.

"Well, aren't you going to get up? I don't plan on entertaining them myself."

"Yeah, I'll be down in a minute." I said stretching and getting out of bed. I looked at myself in the mirror and pulled a comb through my hair. The smell of freshly baked muffins danced in my nostrils as I descended the stairs. The coffee was brewing and Leigh was being a Betty Crocker. Since we have been together, that is how she has always tried to fix things, with food. Every little fight or disagreement or anytime something bad would happen, she would proceed to the kitchen and bake her little heart out. it was her coping mechanism. I wish I knew what mine was. I walked behind her and kissed her neck.

"Everything smells great baby, what time are they coming?" I asked as I popped a muffin into my mouth.

"How should I know, you know how rude they are. They just invited themselves over and I guess it HAS to be okay with me." She emptied a fresh batch of apple muffins from their tins and continued to stir a batch of chocolate chip batter.

"Hey easy Leigh, they all have Nick on the brain. Give them a break!" My wife had never been fond of my fellow bandmates. She thought that they took their fame and wealth for granted as well as taking me for granted too. She tolerated them best as she could for me, but if for some reason the band were to ever dissolve, she wouldn't be shedding any tears. She enjoyed Sarah's and Kristin's company but the guys not so much. We had countless arguments about this over the years and I didn't feel like getting into one now.

"I hope he's all right" I said as I took a seat and drank my cup of coffee.

"Brian, for all you know this could just be another one of his childish pranks! I wouldn't put it past him. He would do anything for attention!"

"Leigh back off! He didn't do this for attention, this is for real." She wiped her flour covered hands off on her apron and walked over to me hugging me tightly.

"I'm sorry honey. I know it's real. I guess I just don't understand why you are taking it so hard that's all. You guys have barely spoken since December," she caressed my hair as she cradled her head against my neck.

"How can you not understand Leigh? We were inseparable he is my little brother. Who cares what happened in the past?! It all seems irrelevant now!" I pulled away from her. The argument was coming and I couldn't stop.

"You're probably happy it happened, after all you hate Nick you always have! What did you have a huge party or something when I called you with the news?"

"Brian, that's enough! How dare you say something so horrible!"

"Why is it horrible? Is it any more horrible than you not I understanding why I would be so upset? I don't get you sometimes Leighanne! Sometimes you really don't understand me at all!"

I stormed out of the kitchen and up the stairs. I was hoping a nice hot shower would cool me off. She knocked on the door and let herself in. I tried to ignore her as I continued to look for my favorite soap.

"Where the hell did you put the Irish Spring? You know there are two people who use this bathroom. Why the hell is it that when I leave town for a few days, my stuff always disappears!"

"Brian" She said grabbing my hand. "Please calm down and listen to me," i stopped fiddling around with the knobs on the tub and looked up at her. She looked concerned. She pulled me down next to her and together we sat on the rim of the tub.

"Honey, this is a process you are going through. You are grieving it's natural" I jumped at the word she used.

"I am NOT grieving. Nick is alive and he will be found. He is not dead Leigh!"

"I know baby, but you are still grieving. You lost your best friend. You have been grieving him since BEFORE this whole ordeal even happened. It's just that now, well now you aren't sure if you'll ever see him again." She kissed my check and hugged me. I stood up and anxiously paced the room.

"There are so many things that I want to say to him. Yell at him, hug him, play basketball with him. Why did we wait so long to make things right?" she stood up and messaged my arms.

"You have to heal Brian, before you can do anything else you have to heal. I know you miss him baby. I know you loved him," she held me in her arms and let me cry on her shoulder.

"I'm worried about him too you know, Yes we never really got along but he meant so much to you that I can't pretend I don't love him for that."

"I'm sorry Leigh I didn't mean to take this out on you."

"That's all right that's what I'm hear for, now better get yourself in the shower. She gave me one last kiss and then vanished out of the room.

---

When I was out and fully dressed company was already here. they were sitting around my kitchen table eating and drinking.

"Hey Brian, we've missed you. Haven't heard from you in a while. We were worried." Howie said as he sipped his coffee.

"Sorry. I needed time to think."

"That's okay I think we all did," I smiled at him.

"So what's the plan?" I asked no one in particular.

"I was thinking that we should maybe go down and clean out his hotel room." Kevin said and I could tell that he had hit the seventh stage of grief. Acceptance.

"What for Kev? He will just be mad that we went through his stuff." AJ responded.

"Or grateful. There might be something there we can use to help. If the police aren't going to do anything then we should." Howie said grabbing his jacket and heading for the door.

"Let's do this now, before we lose our nerve," we ventured out and crowded into Kevin's car. There was a whole caravan of security following behind us.

This is what I need to deal with things I thought as we sped away to Nick's hotel room...

We walked down the long hallway to Nick's hotel room. Reflective and quiet. I could tell everyone was having doubts and anxiety about having to pack up his things. He had paid to the end of the month but still we felt we needed to do this. So in we walked. Kevin allowed the hotel manager to open up the door and we slowly walked inside. It looked as if he had just stepped out for a minute. Clothes were still laying on the floor. Towels rolled up in a bunch piled high in the bathroom. The bathroom smelled like Nick. His razor still lying on the sink where he left it.

"Well, nice to know Nick is still a pig!" AJ commented while carefully stepping over the dirty clothes on the floor next to his bed.

"He was coming back here. He must have only taken the things he needed. Otherwise this place would be completely bare."

"I agree Howie. Maybe we'll be able to find something here. Have the police gone through this place yet?" Everyone looked up at me like I would know the answer to that question.

"I have no idea. I don't think they did though. He was kidnapped in Florida, not here."

Kevin looked under his bed and pulled out one of Nick's sketch pads. He sat on the floor and browsed through the pages. I stood over his shoulder admiring Nick's handy work. There was a picture of Kevin drawn as a caricature. He had rays coming out of his eyebrows. Kevin laughed and flipped the page. There was one of a dog sitting by a door waiting for his master to return home. Everyone was now gazing at the book in Kevin's hands.

"This kid is really talented" Kevin said in awe of some of the drawings he was passing by as he flipped through the book. The second to last picture was a self portrait. He was staring at himself in the mirror cutting his hair with a pair of scissors his blue eyes dull and unhappy looking. The BSB logo was scrolled down along the handle of the orange scissors.

"I wonder what that symbolizes?" AJ asked.

"We'll have to remember to ask him that when we see him again." I then moved from my perch above Kevin to the dresser. His watch was still sitting there. I picked it up and examined it.

"He forgot his watch" I put it back down on the dresser. Opening the top drawer, I found some socks and underwear.

"Goodness, how much underwear does this boy have?" D commented as I pulled out about three weeks worth of clean undies out of the drawer. Once his drawer was clear I saw the Bible. I picked it up and started looking through the pages. Howie continued on to the next drawer. He laughed.

"What's so funny?" I asked. He said nothing but held up a pair of underwear.

"There's like ten more pairs in here!" We all laughed. I turned my attention back to the Bible. It had been so long since I went through the sacred book. I would need to make it my mission. My family had a tradition that if you closed your eyes and asked a question while holding the Bible the answer would be revealed when you would randomly flip to a page. We spent so many rainy days doing that. Better than getting into trouble I suppose. I closed my eyes,

"Will we find Nick?" I asked. Then I flipped open to a page in the Book of Acts. I scanned down the page but nothing was relevant to the cause.

"What are you doing?" I looked over at AJ, I didn't feel like explaining.

"It never worked when I was little either. I just thought I'd try" I closed the Bible and it accidentally slipped out of my grip and fell to the floor, startling everyone in the room. I picked it up and put it away. Laughing under my breath.

"What's so funny now Rok?"

"Genesis! It fell and landed on Genesis. In the beginning God created man." The empty sounds in the room made me continue.

"Basically it's God's way of saying this is only the beginning!" they all grunted and turned their attention back to their detective work. I walked back over to were Kevin sat still looking at sketch pads. I sat down on the bed and was about to open the night stand drawer when Trish walked in interrupting our investigation.

"Hey guys, what are you doing here?" She asked taking a seat next to me. She looked alarmed for some reason and we were afraid that we had made a mistake by coming here.

"We came to pack Nick's things up. Maybe he left something behind."

"He didn't. I was with him when he left and anything he needed or wanted was with him. There's nothing here that will help us find him." She then walked over to the dresser and noticed all the clothes thrown onto the floor.

"Guys, look at the mess you are making. This is not helping anyone. Why don't you stop and we'll let housekeeping finish the job. It is probably breaking your hearts doing this."

She began to usher us out of the room. I stayed though. I went for the drawer again and opened it up. She came and closed it. She grabbed both my hands in hers and sat herself down right next to me.

"Come on Brian, let's save this for another day. Maybe I'll call the police and see if they want to scope this place out. They could do a better job at it than you guys could anyway."

"Yeah you're right and that's a good idea. I'm gonna come back another day though." She looked happy as she stood up giving me a hand.

"I know what will make you happy. Let's go out for lunch. You in the mood for Corn beef and cabbage? Nick said that was your favorite" I froze in my tracks when she said that.

"What?"

"Corned beef and cabbage, Nick had told me that you absolutely love that. I know a great place where we can get some authentic Irish food. What do you say?"

"I hate cabbage!" she looked completely shocked like I had just shot her dog or something.

"Oh" She said seeming a little angry.

"Trish, what's wrong?"

"Nothing..it's just, well Nick just made it seem like that was your favorite food."

"No, we even used to make a joke out of it we..." then I remembered.

"It's not important" I said as we continued down the hallway. My heart racing in my chest...

---

We sat and played video games for hours. I wanted him to leave but he just stuck around draining all my energy. I was letting him win now hoping he would grow tired of my bad play.

"Ha! Won again. What's gotten into you kid? You feeling all right?" he said mockingly feeling my head.

"Yeah I guess I'm just not at the top of my game. I'm kind of tired actually."

"All the working out getting to you little man?" God I hated this guy. How can he act like I'm his little buddy? It made me sick.

"So, Trish told me that SHE was the one who beat the crap out of you!" I laughed. He didn't seem to care.

"Yeah, she accidentally made me fall down the stairs!" Now I was going for it. What do I have to lose?

"I don’t believe in accidents Joe." He looked over at me curiously.

"What do you mean by that?"

"I'm just saying watch your back!" I then picked up my joystick and continued to play. He was staring at me like a man who wants to know more.

"Why would you say that? Did she tell you something?" I slowly looked over at him. Taking a deep breath I started to bluff to the large man.

"Well, she did tell me about your relationship."

"Oh really? Well, how do you feel about it?" Oh God I was afraid something like this would happen. Um what do I say? um....

"Not sure, why don't you tell me your side of the story?" he took a deep breath

"Well, my sister and I haven't always gotten along Nick. Our relationship is a love hate one. We love to hate each other" He laughed "But you know how that is right?" I smiled and nodded.

"She's still mad that I killed our parents" I looked away just then. I didn't want to show the fear that was in my eyes. "They deserved it for doing that to him!" he grabbed my shoulder and I jumped.

"She told you about him right?" I didn't know whether to shake my head yes or no. I wasn't given a chance because Joe's cell phone rang making us both jump. I wanted to grab it just then but fear wouldn't allow me to. He got up and paced as he spoke to the person on the other end of the line.

"What do you mean?"

"Yes, calm down Trish talk slowly!" My ears perked up at the mention of the unstable woman's name.

"He did?" When Joe said that he looked over at me with a smug look. I was terrified.

"No...that would be too suspicious, just stay cool. It's probably nothing." He looked nervous more nervous than he was allowing Trish to hear in his voice.

"Yes, don't worry I'll ask him" He glared at me. I was in trouble.

"Okay, yes I said I would okay fine. Bye" He hung up the phone and placed it back in his pocket.

"Nicky what did you do?" He came towards me with so much hatred in his voice I ran toward the bed. He laughed.

"I don't know what you're talking about!"

"Don't make me punish you young man, just admit it!"

"I swear Joe, I have no idea what you are talking about!" He laughed again.

"Well, maybe a full twenty-four hours without food will refresh your memory. Nick something you should realize. we have been doing this for a long time. Don't play with me. You won't like the results!" He then walked up the steps and slammed the door.

"I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!!!" I yelled up to him. I sat down wondering what that was all about. when it dawned on me I smiled. Even laughed a little. Starvation was going to be a small price to pay for maybe getting things in motion. I walked over to Julia and wrote down the fact that they were siblings Trish and Joe. I also wrote that Joe killed his parents. If I was a betting man I would guess their real last name was Topper. I probably would have gotten to that if the phone hadn't interrupted us.

Next time...

All through our lunch I couldn't focus on anything but the words Trish said to me outside of Nick's hotel room. It didn't make any sense. Why would he tell Trish that I loved Cornbeef and Cabbage? Why Trish?...

"Hello? earth to Brian come in Brian!" I felt someone annoyingly tapping me on the top of my head and saw it was AJ hitting me.

"Ow, jerk! Why are you doing that?" I pushed J's hand away.

"I've been trying to get your attention for the last few minutes. You seemed to be in another galaxy somewhere." He then took on a more serious tone to his voice.

"Is everything all right?" I wanted to tell him but I couldn't not while she was sitting there at the table in ear shot. When AJ asked me that question she turned her attention to my answer.

"Yeah everything's fine just a little tired that's all." I then looked at Trish who had resumed carrying on a friendly conversation with Kevin. He looked as if he was consoling her. She seemed upset. It doesn't make any sense...

"Trish" I called to her. She looked away from Kevin and planted her Blue eyes on me.

"Yes, sweetie?"

"So, when did Nick tell you I liked cornbeef?" She laughed. It seemed like a nervous laugh to me but I may have been a little paranoid.

"Why are you so interested in that? I didn't know you had such an intense hatred of the stuff. I never would have brought it up." She seemed sincere enough. Maybe I was just jumping to conclusions. I mean it was so long ago.

Was it 1994 it may have even been 1995. Back in the days when being stalked was a far away reality. the only fears we had at that point were boring reporters, Lou, Johnny and Transcon. We shared a hotel room in our younger days. Maybe if we still did that now he would be safe but too late for maybes. I remember Nick and I sharing a room sitting on the bed and talking about food, one of our favorite topics...

"I love macaroni and cheese. My Mom makes the best in the entire galaxy!" I said as Nick shifted on the bed and was laying with his head dangling off the end.

"You're gonna fall you know and I'm not rushing you to the hospital!"

"Huh very funn.." He didn't get to finish as he went sailing to the floor. "Ouch!"

"Idiot, I told you so." He did a somersault and jumped back on the bed.

We both had so much raw energy back then. No wonder we drove everyone crazy.

"Well, I like Mac and cheese but I LOVE pizza. I could eat it morning noon and night!!" He rubbed his stomach and we both laughed.

Something else we did a lot of in those early days.

"I'll tell you what I hate. Cabbage! God that stuff is beyond gross!" He made this ridiculous face that had me howling with laughter.

"Yeah I know what you mean, my dad loves it but it smells nasty!" He nodded in agreement.

"It smells like feet. Never trust anybody who likes that stuff Brian. They are NO good!"

"Hey! I just told you my dad loves it"

"Right, well besides him Bri, no else can possibly be trusted who likes cabbage!"...

Trish looked at me hoping the question would go away but when I returned her gaze she forced herself to continue.

"I'm not sure when he said that to me. It wasn't that long ago. He told me you enjoyed it. Mistakes happen unless he was hoping I would make you some, you know as a practical joke"

"Oh yeah, I can see him doing that" Howie said and I started to think maybe that was the case. I could see him doing that too. Sitting back and laughing while Trish served up a piping hot plate of cornbeef and cabbage. But..

"Why would he think you would actually cook it for me? Makes no sense. Besides he has long stopped playing pranks on us! he outgrew that a while ago!" She shifted in her seat. Why would she do that? Makes no sense.

"Excuse me a minute guys I have to make an important phone call" She said as she ran out of the room, dialing furiously.

"That was weird" Kevin said as he continued to gnaw at his steak.

"Uh huh" I agreed half listening to the conversation but more thinking back on that night...

"Hey Brian do you trust Lou?" The question seemed misplaced.

"Why do you ask?" I asked him as he shifted for the third time on the bed. Finally deciding to sit up pretzel style.

"It's just that he is I don't know...I don't trust him." He seemed troubled and I got a little alarmed.

"Did he say or do something to you?" I was hoping the answer was no. Kevin did not like the way the Big Poppa looked at Nick. Not at all.

"No, he just makes me squirm. I don't like being alone with him."

"Then don't be alone with him!" he nodded in agreement. Nick started to laugh and the worried look left his face.

"What is so funny now?" The kid amazed me how easily he could switch gears.

"He smells like cabbage! Did you ever notice that? Lou smells like stinky rotten cabbage!" he laughed so hard that he fell off the bed once again.

I definitely didn't like Lou and through our ten years we would have a lot of problems, but that's another story for another day.

It was my turn to be serious now. I helped him up and we sat next to each other.

"How about we make a code word Nick, this business is pretty rough and there are a lot of weirdoes out there." He looked as if he wasn't listening to me. I grabbed his arm and made him look me in the eyes.

"Nick, listen to me, there are many people in this world who will not care that you are only a kid and if any of those people make you feel uncomfortable say cabbage." He laughed.

"You want me to say cabbage?"

"Yes, if you are with someone you don't trust, say cabbage and I'll come running."

"Uh, Brian why can't I say Brian HELP!!" He snorted with laughter.

"Because bonehead, sometimes you don't want to make it obvious. It might even be a friend who turns sleazy you say cabbage and I'll know not to trust that person. Not let that person be alone with you. Okay?"

He looked at me letting what I said to him sink in, then he nodded yes.

"But what if you get sleazy?"

"Well, then you're shit out of luck!"

"What if I'm in danger?" I didn't like hearing that but I played into it. He was being dramatic.

"Then say Cornbeef and cabbage!" We both laughed our heads off. The word was all but forgotten until now...

Trish walked back in the room seeming a little more relaxed. She smiled at me as she took her seat.

"I just called the police and asked them to investigate Nick's room" she than finished directing her response at me.

"Are you happy now?"

"Sure" I said and we continued with our meal....

---

I am so hungry! God, you would think that I hadn't eaten in weeks or something but so far I've only skipped one dinner. I really think it's all in my head. the thought of them controlling when I can eat disturbs me greatly. What if they decide 24 hours is not enough? What if they just decide to forget about me. I wonder how they killed the other guys? I wonder if this is how they did it! I can't think like that now. I have to stay positive. Howie taught me that. Once you look at a situation in a negative way, it will only get worse. So stop thinking about eating Nick you can do this!

I decided to read through my journal and gather all my info. So far I know that:
I am in Florida

Joe had been fired

The guys are back in California

Trish and Joe are related and he murdered their parents

Trish really enjoyed Tye's company and hated her brother so much that she almost beat him to death

Joe had also mentioned a "Him" I would need to find out who that was. Next time Joe comes down here I will make that my mission..... If Joe comes down here.

God chaos, you can't think like that. Do something constructive. Kevin would say that this would be the perfect time to work out. What if I get too exhausted? The workout might make me pass out? Well, big deal. So I sleep!

That got me moving and I started my exercise routine for the day. This stupid guy was not gonna break me. I will win!

---

We had finished our meal and were going our separate ways when I decided to pull AJ aside and get his opinion on the whole Trish thing. I invited him over to my house and we sat in my den as I poured out my memories to him about the cornbeef and cabbage night.

"Rok, have you gone totally insane?"

"No! I'm telling you AJ it was just a little weird that he said cornbeef and cabbage. Out of any food in the entire world, cabbage? Seems strange don't you think?" I was having a hard time convincing AJ that maybe Trish was not who she appeared to be.

"Yeah but we can't start thinking she is a crazy woman just because Nick said you liked Cabbage. It was a long time ago Brian, he might have forgotten"

"Not Nick, he has a great memory. Believe me he KNOWS I hate cabbage and cornbeef means he is in danger. It makes total sense! God why don't you believe me?" I was getting frustrated. AJ thought I was just being silly but I suddenly didn't trust Trish.

"Didn't you think it was weird how she ran out of the room so frantically after I drilled her on that?"

"Well, honestly...no I would have done the same thing. You were being strange. She probably needed a break from all the cornbeef and cabbage talk. I know I sure as hell do!"

"Well, I don't trust her and I think you shouldn't either! Now are you coming with me?"

"Coming with you where?"

"Nick's hotel room, she didn't want us poking our heads in there."

"Jesus Christ Brian, she called the police and THEY are handling it."

"Come on please? If we get caught, I'll say it was my idea. I just need to do this AJ okay?" AJ looked at my face and when he saw the desperation there, he finally agreed to it. I hugged him and then we made our way back to the hotel...

This wasn't fun anymore. Almost a full twenty-four hours had passed by and Joe had kept his promise not to bring me any food. It's strange how you take things like eating for granted. I had developed a headache halfway through my....well...let's call it a starvation process. That's the drama queen in me. I also developed a bad case of the "Why ME's" You know what I'm talking about. When you feel so pathetically sorry for yourself that you just about scream WHY ME!! at the top of your lungs. Kevin coined the phrase when I would go into bouts of whining about the dumbest things.

"Oh here comes the why ME's!" He would say and that would crack me up and make me forget what the problem was. I was so easily distracted in my younger days. Funny thing is now that I have every reason to whine, I'm not. I did cry though.

I cried because I thought of my family. I miss them so much. Mom and Dad must be so worried about me. My sisters probably haven't been sleeping well. I bet nobody has. then I thought about the guys. Did they blame themselves? I hope not. I can't believe we let so many petty differences come between us. When I get out of here, I will never let small things get in my way ever again. Life is too short. The question is IF..

I cried mostly because I don't want to die. I am only 22 years old. I have so much more to live for. So much more to accomplish. Can these two people who at one time called me friend, take that away from me. Just like that? I've always wondered what it would feel like to die. I know there's a bright light and people you know would guide you through until you reached the pearly gates. I'd get to see my aunt again. I wonder if Howie's sister and AJ's grandma would be there waiting for me. I didn't know Caroline that well. She seemed nice. I just don't want to hurt. Make it fast and painless. One thing was for sure, if they did actually kill me, I would haunt their asses for eternity!

I sat in a ball and rocked back and forth in my bathroom. Thinking the most morbid thoughts. Tears streaming down my eyes. Thinking about all the years of therapy I would need to get over this. God and I thought I was messed up now! I couldn't help but laugh at myself.

Then I heard the door...

I jumped off the floor wiped my weepy eyes and walked calmly into the bedroom. I was not about to let Joe see me vulnerable. he needed to think I was strong. I NEEDED to be strong. I got excited by the smell that was wafting down the stairs as Joe got closer. pizza! Sure enough when Joe reached the bottom of the stairs he had a pizza and a six pack of beer in his hands.

"Hi young man, I bet you're starving huh?" I wanted to grab the pizza out of his hand but my brain refused to let my hands carry that thought through.

"I'm a little hungry, I guess I could eat some pizza" He looked at me with a smug smile. He knew I was bluffing.

"Well, maybe I'll save this for later than" he said and started walking back up the stairs. He walked slowly at first expecting me to beg him to stop. When I didn't he came back down laughing.

"Wow kid, I have to say you're a tough guy aren't you?" he ruffled my hair. I tried not to vomit on him. He placed the pizza and beer down on the table and summoned me over to eat.

"I brought you a pepperoni with extra cheese. I thought we could play some cards and have a man's night. What do you say Nick?" I looked at him and smiled when I saw how excited he was anticipating my answer. Like I was gonna say no to a lunatic.

"Do I have a choice?" He seemed disappointed. This pleased me.

"I guess if you want me to leave I will. I just thought you might be feeling a little lonely."

"Naw, that's okay you can stay.” I said grabbing a beer and downing it.

"Easy there buddy. Don't drink it too fast!"

"Joe, I think you above everyone else should know that I am more than capable of holding my liquor." I burped and grabbed another. This one I was gonna nurse. I had to get Joe drunk. Maybe I could get out of there than.

We drank and ate pizza, all the while playing poker. He had finished off three of the beers and I had drank two emptying the third out when he went to use my bathroom. He ran upstairs and got another six pack which he proceeded to finish off. He was getting plastered and my plan was beginning to work!

"Hey Joe"

"yes little buddy"

"before Trish called yesterday, you had mentioned a him"

"A who?"

"A him. You asked me if she told me about him. I said no and you told me you would. So who is him?" I was really hoping the state that Joe was currently in, he wouldn't really remember the conversation. I was right.

"Oh I did? Okay well you must mean Jacob. Our little brother. He was him." He raised a beer up to the ceiling.

"I miss you little buddy" He said before chugging it.

"What happened to him?" I asked a little curious.

"Mom killed him." He seemed so broken up about it.

"Damn bitch wasn't even my real mother, did you know she fucking kidnapped me when I was five. Fucking kidnapped me from my own family."

"I'm sorry to hear that"

"Yeah she kidnapped Trish too. Same with Jacob. We were their scab family. They were awful people Nick. The worst. I FUCKING HATE YOU BOTH!!!" he shouted at the ground. I was scared. I started to back away from the table. He looked over and calmed down.

"Nick I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. I just wanted to say that loud enough so that they could here me in hell" I scooted back towards the table still a little leery but mostly mad at myself for letting Joe see that I was afraid.

"Why did they kill him Joe?" I wasn't sure I really wanted to know the answer to that question but still I had to ask.

"Because he got too old for them. He didn't look like a little kid anymore and HIS parents were searching high and low for him. So they killed him on his tenth birthday. He blew out his candles and she blew off his head! HA" he started to laugh hysterically. He calmed himself down and took another sip of his beer.

"He would have been a few years older than you Nick" I nodded.

"Ah well life's a bitch I guess. They got what they deserved," he moved to the couch and lay down, resting his head on the arm.

"How did you do it?"

"What? You mean how did I guess the bitch and her repulsive husband?" I nodded again. "I stabbed him and slowly strangled her. I made her watch herself dying in the mirror. I wanted to make sure she saw me smiling. They're buried in the back.”

I didn't know what to say. I was carrying on a conversation with a cold blooded murderer. Sharing a laugh and a beer. Would God forgive me I wonder? If not I guess I would be meeting his parents soon enough. I suddenly felt nauseous and ran to the bathroom and puked my guts out.

I heard snoring as I left the bathroom. I tip toed over to where Joe was laying and saw he was sound asleep. I slowly put my hand in his pocket pulling out the key to my freedom. My heart began to race and every bone in my body told me to run for my life. I had to stay calm though. This could be my only chance. I slowly trotted up the steps and unlocked the door.

"Sweet dreams sick mother fucker" I whispered as I quickly closed the door behind me, locking Joe in my prison...

I felt like I was doing something illegal. AJ and I crept through the halls of the hotel like we were robbing the place. We decided to lose our bodyguards and just walk in as regular folk. We didn't want to bring any attention to ourselves. I pulled my baseball cap down and AJ did the same and we walked briskly through the lobby and jumped on the elevator.

"This is so much fun, Rok. What a great idea this was!" He looked like he was enjoying himself. Maybe this was his form of tension release. I actually laughed.

"Well, easy there buddy because if we are caught, the fun will stop!"

"Do you think we will really find anything? I mean IF Trish is involved, which I seriously doubt, don't you think she would've hidden the evidence?"

"Maybe she doesn't know it's there! J I know I'm being silly we probably won't find anything but I have to at least check it out" He nodded at me and we walked out of the elevator and approached Nick's room.

"How the heck are we gonna get in there?" I started to panic realizing we didn't have a key to his room. AJ pushed me aside and took out a credit card.

"Move aside and watch a seasoned pro" He took the card and slipped it in the crack of the door jiggled and it opened.

"How the hell...wait don't tell me...I don't even want to know!" He laughed as we entered the room.

The room was just as we had left it when Trish shooed us out of there. AJ went into the bathroom to see if he could find anything. I noticed one of Nick's favorite shirts lying on the floor next to his bed. I picked it up, sat down and started to fold it. I was overcome with emotions when I got a whiff of it. Nick had a unique smell…has a unique smell. Not in a bad way either, don't get me wrong sometimes he could stink especially after a performance. His normal smell was defined by two things, Soapy water and mints. That's how I best can describe his smell. Howie used to tease Nick and say he still has that "BABY" smell. That is what it kind of smells like. I hugged the shirt. God Nick please be safe!

I laid the shirt on his pillow and opened the drawer of the nightstand that stood beside the bed. It was packed with what looked like fan mail. I pulled it out and was horrified at the threats I was reading.

"AJ!!! COME IN HERE I FOUND SOMETHING!!!" J came running and just stood and watched as I picked up letter after letter of threats. He squinted to try and read the words crawled along most of the papers.

"Does that say what I think it says?" He asked me not believing it anymore than I was. I just nodded.

"Mizpah" He said as he sat next to me.

---

I frantically ran around the large room I found myself in trying to find an exit. It was a huge room with a sofa that looked like it had survived a world war. Dust was flying all over the place and the house smelled like rotten food. Finding the door I pulled on it and found another flight of steps. I ran up into what had to be the main body of the house. I must have been in a sub basement or something. I turned on the light to the kitchen and immediately started to look for a phone. There it was right around the corner in the dining room. I picked it up and slammed it back down when there was no dial tone.

DAMMIT!!!! I continued on through the dining room into the living area. Another phone lying next to the TV remote. I picked it up only to again see that the phone wasn't working. Friggin assholes probably never paid the phone bill!

I took a minute to take in my surroundings. The living room was immaculately clean. Not a speck of dust anywhere. There was a huge family portrait above the fireplace next to the television. The Mom and Dad seemed normal enough. Joe was standing behind the Mom who was sitting with a kid I can only guess is Jacob on her lap. Trish was off to the side wearing braces with this big stupid grin on her face. Is this what an insane family looks like I wonder?

I didn't stay around to finish my thought when I noticed the front door was within my grasp.

---

"Jesus Brian, why didn't he tell us about this?" AJ seemed so dejected. Well, mad and dejected.

"We could have saved him. Prevented this entire thing from happening!" I didn't have any answers. I was mad too. The newspaper articles were the scariest. The missing people discovered dead. I found my arms breaking out in goosebumps.

"He probably thought we wouldn't care" I said feeling sorry for myself.

"Do you think he told anybody about this? I mean if I was afraid my life was in danger? I know I would mention it to somebody!"

"Yeah good point, J, but Nick isn't like us sometimes he is not big on the use of common sense"

"True, but still Brian don't you think he would have said something to someone?"

"If he did they would have definitely called the police. I would have no matter what he said. Hell I made you call the police when we thought the guy was after you!" AJ pulled out a picture frame that hosted a picture of Nick and Howie.

"I mean look at this, why wouldn't he tell anyone about this?" AJ was in shock saying the same thing over and over.

I had no idea why Nick would keep this a secret. Then I remembered his weird phone call to me that night claiming he dialed the wrong number. Maybe he wanted to tell me then. I rushed him off the phone. Nick could be so hard to read sometimes it was maddening. I gave up a long time ago trying to figure him out. It would give me stress headaches.

"Well, we need to bring this to the police!" I said collecting all of the evidence we found into a plastic bag.

"Shouldn't we just leave it here? I mean Trish said they were going to come and examine the place right?"

"Yes, she did but what if she is in on it?" AJ rolled his eyes.

"Oh God tell me you're not going down that road again!"

"AJ who does all the fan mail we get go through?" He was knew, but he didn't want to say it out loud.

"Okay so it goes through our personal assistants so, maybe he put it directly in this room. She has worked for us for four years, Rok!"

"Well, then I'm gonna go ask her myself!"

"What?"

"I'm gonna go talk to her again."

"Don't you think the police should handle that Brian?"

"But you said yourself she is innocent Bone so what harm would it do?"

"I don't like that idea."

"So admit then, you have your doubts too right?"

"Yes a little but..."

"But nothing I am going to talk to her again. You coming?" I started to walk out the door.

"Yeah wait up!" AJ said running behind me with the bag of evidence.

I went to turn the doorknob to my freedom. I jiggled the handle but it wouldn't open.

No! This can't be happening come on come on! I looked behind me when I sensed that Joe would be breathing down my back. Luckily it was just my imagination. I couldn't understand why the door would not budge when I looked down and found my answer. There was a combination lock built into the keyhole.

Dammit! Okay I said in between deep breaths, what do I do now? Stay calm, Nick, come on think you can do this. You are so close.

I kept trying different combinations but no luck. It wasn't moving. I decided to try my luck and find another exit. I ran back towards the kitchen only to see no backdoor. I body slammed my back into the wall in frustration. Resting my head against the dull wallpaper I needed to come up with a plan and quick. Then I remembered the cell phone.

He was talking to Trish on a cell phone. I rushed all around the kitchen looking for it. Under the table, in the drawers even in the fridge. When I was sure it wasn't in there I moved on to the dining room and living room. Still the phone was nowhere to be found.

God I bet it was on him. Dammit!! I contemplated on going back downstairs to retrieve it from him but I decided to just move on. If I absolutely had to I would. My heart was beating so hard that I was having difficulty breathing. I had to sit down for a minute and pull myself together.

Taking long deep breaths I managed to slow down my pulse. I stood up and walked up another flight of steps. This was where they slept. There were three bedrooms up there. I entered the first one and noticed there was no windows at all. I quickly scanned the room and when no cellphone showed up I went into the next room. This one smelled like freshly cut flowers. It was yellow and very bright. It was as if I stepped into 1970. A huge picture of the BeeGees hung on the wall. This had to be Trish's room. I looked in the closet and shuddered when I noticed that all the clothes were for a little child. It was definitely lived in and I briefly found myself wondering if there was a child in this house. Until I saw a picture of Trish as a small kid. She was wearing one of the outfits that was tucked away in the closet. I don't know why but I suddenly felt sorry for her.

A banging on the door brought me back to my situation. It was him! He was yelling something. I couldn't really hear him that well but he was mad. Mad and awake. I was running out of time. I ran out of Trish's room into the next one I found. It was full of stuffed animals and a bunk bed. This had to be Jacob's room.

A huge bang made me jump! He’s out! I listened carefully hoping I was wrong

"Nick! Where the hell are you?" Oh my God he did get out! I slowly backed up feeling so small. He was frantically running through the first floor screaming my name and cursing under his breath. He was banging and clanging things. I realized that if he caught me I was dead. I started to cry.


"Come out come out wherever you are! I like games, Nick! I can keep it up as long as you can." I backed myself up against the wall when I heard him starting to climb up the steps.

"You know there is no way out buddy so just give up" I tried to crawl under the bed but my body was too big. I stood up using the wall to balance myself when suddenly...

The wall moved. It was a secret door. I pushed through it and climbed into the little room. Quickly shutting the door behind me right before he entered Jacob's room. I scrunched in to a little ball and didn't even allow myself to breath. He was going through the room humming a Backstreet song.

"Come on Nicky my patience is wearing thin, come out come out!" I heard his heavy breathing inches away from my hiding place. Then just like that...he was gone.

I let out a heavy sigh and buried my head in my lap and silently cried. So much for being strong.

When I was finally able to relax a little I ventured deeper into the room. It was very small. I had to duck my head to keep from hitting the rafters. The corridor opened up to a bigger and taller area. I gasped when I saw what I saw. Me everywhere. My pictures lined the walls and the ceiling. Every picture taken for every magazine ever! Private pictures of me and my family. Me and the guys on my boat. Manda and I. There were pictures of me sleeping and eating. One of me in the bathroom, they were everywhere.

I walked over to the table that lay in the center of the room and found all the current papers about me missing. He's getting ready for the next one. I said aloud. I sat and rummaged through everything. The guys offering exuberant amounts of money for my return. Mom crying for my safe return on the front page of Time magazine. Fans having candlelight vigils.

"Do you like what you see my young friend?" I was afraid to turn around. How could I have not heard him come in?

I quickly turned around and there he was just watching me read. I wonder how long he was there. I stood up on my shaky legs. Every part of my body was shaking and I backed up slowly. He echoed every step I took with one towards me. Smile never leaving his face.

"I asked you a question, Nick. Do you like what you see?"

I gulped before answering. "What is all of this?"

He picked up one of the many articles and continued to approach me slowly. "Your Galeed of course"

"What?"

"Galeed, Nick haven't you been reading the Bible?" I just shook my head no.

"Silly boy! You were probably an awful student. Your Galeed. From the book of Genesis. Jacob made one for his brother Laban."

"I still don't understand"

"It's a pile to remind us"

"Remind us of what?" I grabbed a scissors off of the table. I don't think he saw I was moving very slowly.

"Remind us of YOU! After you're gone of course." I decided not to stick around for the rest of the conversation. I charged at him with all of my might holding the scissors in my hand....

AJ and I had planned on going down to the front desk to ask the clerk which room Trish was staying in but when the elevator door opened up out she came bopping out of the elevator. She seemed startled and uneasy by our presence up on Nick's floor.

"Oh, hi, gentlemen, what are you doing here?" She asked me. Was she shaking a little? It seemed to me like she was.

"It's actually funny because we came to see you! Do you have a minute?" Her attention wasn't focused on my words but on the bag that was in AJ's hand.

"Oh yeah sure. So that's why you are up here?" AJ looked at me. I think he was starting to be as suspicious as I was.

"No, we just broke into Nick's room. We want to show you something" I don't know why AJ said that. I think to get a reaction out of her. If he wanted one he got one because she looked like she was in a state of panic.

"You did what? Didn't I tell you NOT to go in there? The police will take care of it!" She was very angry. Her face was red and her voice escalating to a high pitched squeal.

"Take it easy Trish. We had to find out if he left behind anything. That’s all."

"Did he? Did you guys find anything?"

"Yes actually we did find some things"

"Really? What did you find and how can I help?" She looked at the bag again.

"Not here, can we go to your hotel room?" I asked her.

"Yes, sure come on" She said walking back towards the elevator. The elevator?

"Trish why were YOU up here?" She stopped and looked back at me. When I asked it AJ finally realized it to. She was probably going to do the same thing we just did. I could tell she was trying to find a good excuse.

"All right, I was gonna break in too. I thought maybe he left something there." She then chuckled. AJ seemed convinced. I wasn't.

"Hey why don't we just have a band meeting tomorrow to discuss this with everyone?" I offered. I suddenly felt it wasn't safe to be alone with her. She seemed put off by that.

"I guess we could do that but will you let me know what you found at least?"

"Just some threats. Are you sure you didn't hear him mention anything about threats Trish?"

"Yes, I'm positive."

"Because it seems like he would have mentioned them to someone." Was it me or was she visibly squirming?

"He didn't say anything to me. What about Joe did you ask him? I would think HE would be the one to know about that?" AJ looked as if she just got herself off the hook.

"That's a good idea Trish, but until then let's say tomorrow at ninish. My house." AJ said. She opened up her purse and looked at her date book.

"I will be there!" She said. Trying to peek into the evidence bag.

"Maybe Joe will be able to help" AJ said once the elevator doors shut.

"You don't honestly believe her do you J?" I couldn't believe AJ wasn't seeing what in my mind seemed so obvious.

"Well, yeah I do Rok. Look I know she seems a little suspicious but I don't think she had anything to do with this. I think she is right. Maybe we should have someone question Joe again."

"Joe didn't have ANYTHING to do with this. I'd bet my life on it." I said.

---

I charged at him with all of my might holding the pointed end of the scissors out in stabbing position. He grabbed me effortlessly by the arm and slammed it against the wall knocking the scissors clear across the room. I kicked at him and he winced but his grip never loosened up.

"God boy, did you forget that I do this for a living? Did you really think a pair of scissors was going to stop me?" He laughed as I squirmed trying to get out of his grip.

"Let go of me you stupid son of a bitch" I started hitting him with my free hand. Kicking and hitting at the same time. He temporarily let his grip loosen and I was able to move away from him. It was only a temporary break because he had me in a full body lock within minutes.

"Don't make me hurt you Nick! Just stop struggling and relax!" I refused to let up. I was not going to give up and let him kill me. So I kept struggling with him. I got in a good kick to his groin. He retaliated by throwing me against the wall. My head hit with full force and I found it hard to breath. My vision was getting blurry and the next thing I knew I was laying on the ground. He walked over to me and whispered in my ear.

"See I always get what I want and I want you" I had a hard time keeping my eyes open so I shut them and drifted off to sleep...

---

"I don't know Brian, I think maybe Joe would know something, you know how Nick is he might have begged him not to say anything"

"He would have to though AJ, it's his job to notify people if something is wrong."

"Well, it's worth a try at least. We'll bring it up tomorrow." I agreed with AJ as we both left the hotel, still clinging to the evidence bag. We would get to the bottom of it and I swear that Trish held the key. Even if she didn't have anything to do with it. There's something she's not telling us. I would get it out of her if it kills me....

It was the strangest dream. I was trapped in a big hole in my own backyard and people where all around me calling my name, trying to find me. Many voices I recognized but most I didn't. I screamed for help over and over again only to fall on deaf ears. I try to climb out of the crevice but it proved to be too big so I just fall back on my butt again and again. The boys are within inches of finding me actually walking right next to me but still. No luck...

"Yeah, well that's just fuckin great! I told you to go through that room before ANYONE else had a chance.."

Joe's voice was echoing through my head. Maybe Joe could get me out of this stinking hole. I look around for Joe but only hear murmurs and see bottoms of shoes...

"So what now? Are you going over there?"

Joe! I try to scream but no sound comes out. I hear footfalls right beside my head and realize it's pacing...

"Well, I've got my own problems here! He got out. Made it all the way up to the room and saw the Galeed"

Galeed? Where did I hear that word before?

"No, he wouldn't listen I had to throw him against the wall...no Christ calm down he is fine, just knocked him out!"

Joe? Can you hear me? Help me Joe?

"Listen Trish, I gotta go he's waking up...yes I will....no and be careful what you say! Don’t let them trick you into anything..okay..bye"

Joe? I scream jumping and trying to get out of the hole.

"Yeah Nick, I'm right here. You're gonna be okay" I felt a gentle hand wiping my forehead with a cloth. I willed myself to open my eyes and there was Joe sitting at the foot of my bed.

"Joe, what happened?" I tried to sit up but my right arm was stuck on something. He pushed me back down on the bed.

"Easy there tiger, you hit your head. Just lie back and rest." I closed my eyes trying to recall where I was and what had happened. No luck.

"Did a fan get me or something?" He looked down at me with surprise evident in his eyes. I tried to move my arm over my face to block the light but once again I had no luck.

"Why can't I move my arm Joe? Is it broken?" I tried again and that's when I started to remember. Then a sense of sheer panic overtook me as I tried with all my might to get away from the man I was sure was going to kill me. I squirmed but he pulled me back down.

"Nick you are going to tire yourself out. Relax, you need to rest." I looked over at my handcuffed right hand and wanted to cry. I jiggled it trying to set myself loose.

"It's no use my young friend, you have to learn your lesson. Nick I have been doing this for a long time. Did you REALLY think you were gonna be able to get out of here?" I was part listening to him and part still trying to break free.

"I mean, no one has EVER come close to escaping." I decided to rest a minute when the dull throb coming from my head was threatening to make me fall back to sleep.

"Why are you doing this to me?" I asked just so frustrated I almost wanted to ask him to kill me now and get it over with. He pulled closer to me and wiped my bangs out of my eyes.

"Because we love you, Jacob"

"What did you just call me?" He quickly retreated back.

"I meant Nick. Sorry, you just look exactly like my little Jacob." He had the same faraway look Trish got when she spoke of memories.

"So, is this what you did to Jacob? Throw him against a wall and chain him to a bed?"

He slapped me. I flew backwards onto the pillow and shut my eyes. He immediately grabbed me into a hug rubbing my back and crying.

"God Nick I am so sorry. I didn't mean to do that. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me please Mom and dad forgive me." As he rocked me I felt my body shaking. I had always wondered what fear would really feel like. Now I knew. Every single hair on your body stands up sending chills to every pore. A taste of salty water runs through your mouth and your heart gets very tight in your chest. A feeling of total panic drips its way into your veins and you feel your head wanting to explode.

That's how I felt anyway. He finally stopped rocking me and I dropped back down on the pillow.

"Joe, can you unchain me please? I promise I won't run." He looked as if he would do it when his phone rang. He turned away from me and picked it up.

"Hello? Yeah hi what is it now?... you what?" whatever the other person was saying was not making Joe happy.

"Yes, I told you he is fine." My heart dropped realizing it was Trish he was speaking with. He then turned back my way. I winced as his arm came close to me. I think that made him feel bad. He handed the phone to me and I grabbed it with my unchained hand.

"She wants to talk to you" I nodded.

"Hello?" there was a pause.

"Nicky? Sweet pea are you all right? He didn't hurt you too bad did he?" He was staring at me intently.

"Uh..no I'm okay." He seemed to loosen up when I said that.

"Well, thank heavens. I was worried that he..well Nick just please don't make him angry." Oh great now she tells me!

"Thanks, I figured"

She laughed.

"When are you coming back here?" I asked her never thinking I would want her company again.

"I'm not sure. I've run into some complications." That made me excited. I couldn't show how pleased I was.

"Okay well hurry back soon."

"I will. You miss me baby?" Ah no but if I could choose between psycho's I would pick you!

"Yes," I decided to say instead. I handed the phone back to Joe.

"See I told you he was fine" He said winking at me. I suddenly felt violated.

"Yes, remember be cool over there Trish! don't blow it do you understand me?" He tried to whisper that but I heard it loud and clear. He hung up the phone placed it in his Jean pocket. That's probably where it was before. I'll have to remember that for the next time.

"Okay kiddo, If you promise me you won't try to run anymore, I'll set you free. Do you promise?" He looked at me with a stern Sunday school teacher type of look.

"Yes, I promise" I lied

He came over and let me out of the handcuff that bound me to the bed. I grabbed my wrist and immediately started to message it. It was bruised. Probably from my struggling. He grabbed my wrist.

"Wow I told you not to struggle. You need to start listening to me, Nick" He walked over to my freezer and took out an ice pack. He came back and placed it on my wrist.

"You asked me why you, right?" He asked me. His eyes never leaving my injured wrist.

"Trish and I spend a long time deciding who we are going to let into our little family Nick. You should be honored" He really meant it. I was supposed to be honored! God what a loony tunes!

"We saw you for the first time in 1997 on some interview. You could have been Jacob's twin. You had the same mannerisms and everything. We knew than that you would be next." He walked over to the dresser and took out an ace bandage.

"We followed your every move and were delighted to see you were doing so well. The more famous you became the less we thought it would be possible." He was wrapping my wrist so gently I just for a second pictured my dad. He looked up at me when he was done.

"Finished. Feel better?" I just nodded. He ruffled my hair and walked back over to the dresser to put the tape away.

"Anyway, we had almost given up on you when It dawned on me that with Trish's expertise, she would easily be able to penetrate the BSB camp."

"She was good. I liked her. Friendly and funny." He laughed.

"Yes, she certainly is. Then I was able to become a guard. Don't you see kiddo? Fate brought us together. This was all meant to happen." He waited for me to agree with him. When I didn't he continued.

"Destiny is a big thing Nick. You can't fight it. Everything happens for a reason right? well, consider this your destiny." Just than the phone rang again. He pulled it out of his pocket.

"Hello?" He sat up really straight and stiff as a board. A look of panic on his face.

"Yes..um. Hi. How are you doing? You kind of caught me at a bad time." He stood up and started to pace around the room.

"No..I mean not that I know of why do you ask?" He paused and glared over at me.

"Threats? Oh goodness no, AJ, I think he would have told me that" He sent another death glare my way.

Oh my God was he talking to AJ? My AJ? my heart started to race and I was full of hope. This was it. He must have seen the look on my face because in two steps he was right at my bed hand firmly planted on my mouth.

"Excuse me J could you hold on for a minute? thanks" He whispered in my ear in such a low gruffy voice it sounded like Satan himself could be speaking

"Listen carefully to me..If you so much utter one word. I will kill you and then go and kill him." His grip was so tight it was hurting my jaw. I started to shake again and was able to do nothing as he talked to my brother with me only inches away. Like a bad dream...

"AJ what are you doing?" Brian asked me as I picked up the phone.

"I'm gonna call Joe"

"Why?"

"Because, maybe Trish has a point. Maybe he knows something" I was getting frustrated just waiting around for something to happen.

"Do you even know what his number is?"

"No, but how hard can it be to find out?" Brian shrugged.

"Good point"

I called the head of security asking him if I could have Joe's number. He was hesitant at first but when I reminded him that I was one of the men that signed his paychecks, he offered up the number. I wrote it down. Brian watching over my shoulder the entire time.

"So you are going to call then? Are you sure you just don't want somebody else to deal with it? I mean we just had the guy fired for goodness sake!" He had a good point but I felt like it was something I needed to do. So I dialed the number.

"Hello?"

"Joe, hey I hope I'm not bothering you, it's AJ. How are you doing?" There was an awkward pause. I instantly felt bad for calling.

"Yes..um Hi how are you doing? You kind of caught me at a bad time" I was afraid I had caught him in the throes of passion or something. He sounded all flustered and out of breath.

"I was wondering if Nick had mentioned anything about threats to you?"

"No..I mean not that I know of why do you ask?" Damn!

"Well, It's just that..we found some threats in his hotel room and we figured he would have told someone about them. Probably you."

"Threats? Oh goodness no AJ I think he would have told me that" I let out a sigh of defeat and Brian slumped back down in his chair.

"Oh, okay well, I thought or was actually hoping that you know, maybe he would have.."

"Excuse me J could you hold on for a minute? thanks" Before I could say yes he was gone. He was talking to somebody. I could hear his hand over the receiver so I wouldn't be able to detect who he was talking to. I turned to Brian

"I think he has a lady there or something" Brian nodded.

I waited for a few minutes and could swear I heard cries. I was straining trying to hear what was going on but unfortunately couldn't make it out. I was hoping to hear a juicy fight. That would cheer me up.

"Okay I'm back man. Sorry"

"That's okay. Is everything all right there?"

"Uh yeah why do you ask?" He suddenly sounded defensive.

"No reason, just sounded like someone was crying or something. Having girl problems?" He laughed very loudly and shrill. Forced.

"You didn't have to laugh if it wasn't funny man. I can't be on all the time" I heard more faint cries.

"elp J" I strained to listen. Did I just hear my name?

"Joe?" I called to him but no response. I looked over at Brian and my expression caused him to sit straight in his chair with a questioning look on his face.

"What is it?" Brian asked me now standing right by my side.

"No clue? I could swear I just heard my name." Brian look confused. Confused and curious.

"Joe? Man are you there is everything all right?" I was beginning to get worried about him.

"Woah, sorry about that AJ!"

"Is everything okay there man? I was just about to get off the phone with you and dial 911" He laughed again. Sounded nervous and on edge. How strange.

"No..no need just had a bad fight with my ex"

"Oh sorry to hear that. Did I know her? I could swear to God I heard my name" More muffled cries and a crash. Then it stopped.

"God I'm sorry AJ look I have to go."

"Okay, look Joe is everything all right? Do you need help or anything?"

"No everything is fine. Gotta go" He then hung up on me.

"That wasn't right" I said hanging up the phone. I looked over at Brian and took a minute and explained the conversation to him.

"Wow that is weird. Maybe he was fighting with someone and needed to go" Brian said after hearing the details of my phone conversation.

"Maybe" I shrugged.

"What time is it Rok?" Brian looked at his watch.

"Very close to meeting time. Everyone will be here soon."

"Good. I am eager to let everyone know what we found. Including the police." I still felt uneasy with Joe's abrupt exit.

"What's wrong J?"

"I don't know, I feel like I should call back"

"No AJ, leave the guy alone. Let him fight in peace"

"Yeah you're probably right. But I don't know Bri that voice sounded familiar"

"really?"

"Yeah" I didn't want to tell him but then decided to anyway.

"It sounded like..I don't know it was weird that's all"

I decided to forget about it for now and concentrate on this emergency meeting we had called.

"I wonder what happened at the end of the call?" Brian said. I was wondering that myself. The loud crash and then the silence. I hope everything was all right.

Why do these things always happen to me? It isn't fair. None of it is. Lord why do you try me this way? What have I done to deserve it?

I ran up to my spirit room and shouted at him. I knew he would be able to hear me from there. The Lord works in mysterious ways and I knew this had to be a test of some kind. I was going to do everything in my power to pass.

What is it you want me to do Lord? Please let me know so I can do it! I was tired of waiting for the answers. I sat with my back against the wall looking at my spirit room. I had decorated it just the way God had told me too. The ceiling was black and the walls were a bright red. To represent the blood shed for him. I had pictures pasted all along the walls of my sacrifices over the years. The boys who had pleaded with me to spare their lives. I wanted to but I didn't. It made me sad but it was a small price to pay to be allowed to enter into God's kingdom.

I know, you are using Nick as the ultimate test aren't you? Because I care about him. Because he looks so much like my brother. You think I will back out of killing him don't you? Well, I think he is dead already so there!

I laid there and cried.

"Son" I looked up. There he was, sitting right next to me.

"Yes, father" I said placing my head in his lap.

"I know this has been hard for you. It is almost done." He gently caressed my hair and rubbed my back.

"I have tried to be a good boy for you. What should I do next?" He said nothing only rubbed my back and hummed to me. Amazing Grace, my favorite hymn. I shut my eyes and tried to calm myself down. I wish Trish was here with me, she would make things better. She always did.

"Son, you know what has to be done" I started shaking when he said that.

"But father it is too soon! He has only been with us for a little while. Not nearly enough time."

"Joseph, listen to me, you are so brave and strong. You must do what is right. Go to the boy and see if he is alive" I shuddered. I didn't want to think of Nick as not being alive. I loved Nick. He was my friend.

"Father"

"Yes, son?"

"Do you love me?" I closed my eyes fearful of the reply I would get.

Nothing. I opened my eyes to see myself lying on the floor all alone. I sat up and called to him.

Father! Father!

Still nothing. I cried some more. I knew what needed to be done. I made my way out of the spirit room and back down to my sacrificial lamb.

---

"AJ would you please stop pacing? You are making me nervous" Kevin said as he watched his band mate walk back and forth repeatedly waiting for everyone else to arrive.

"Where is everybody?" Howie wondered aloud. I was thinking the same thing. The police were to show up as well as all of security, personnel and the four of us. Yet, only we were here.

"This stuff just pisses me off!" Kevin said leafing through the things we found in Nick's nightstand.

"I mean how come he didn't tell me about this? I flat out asked him for Christsakes!" I'm glad I wasn't the only one angry at Nick. How could he be so stupid? It amazed me sometimes. He treated things like this almost like a kid playing manhunt. Only now, we were looking for him for real.

The doorbell rang and Sarah ran to answer it. I'm glad that the women were here for this. They relaxed us. Sarah ushered in about three policeman Four FBI officers, and our security guys. They came in and took a seat at the table. Shortly after, everyone started to arrive in small groups with Trish bringing up the rear. I don't know why, but I still didn't trust her. She looked a little nervous.

We told everyone all together about what we had found in Nick's hotel room and how AJ had called Joe. I kept my eyes on Trish the entire time looking for any sign of suspicion. She just remained still and looked down at the floor. Howie and Kevin looked so worried. I think this experience has aged them by ten years. All of us.

When we were through with our rather quick meeting, the police took the bag and thanked us for our detective work. I could see how badly AJ was refraining from saying something sarcastic. I just gave them a dirty look. The room cleared out and everyone left to go home leaving the four of us alone with our thoughts. Trish poked her head back into the room.

"Brian?"

"Yeah Trish?"

"I just wanted to say thanks for going against my wishes and finding the evidence in there! Now maybe we will find him soon." I walked over and hugged her.

"I hope you are right" She then left wiping her cheeks of tears that had fallen. I plopped down on the couch in the living room next to Howie.

"So what now?" Howie asked.

"I guess now we wait!" I said realizing that I was so stupid to think that Trish could have had anything to do with this!

---

I slowly made my way down the stairs, all the way down into his room. It was so still, so quiet. I almost wanted to just turn around and leave him be. I didn't though. I had a job to do. The room was a disaster, things were thrown everywhere. It was not going to be fun cleaning this up.

I went over to the overturned bed to see his feet lying there underneath. It looked like he hadn't moved since he forced me to do that to him. I started to cry again.

I'm so sorry Nicky! Please forgive me! You wouldn't listen though. You wouldn't stop!

I grabbed the bed and yanked it off of him with all of my might. It landed with a big thud on the floor making me scream. There he lay quiet and calm. Like a sleeping angel. His head was bleeding. I quickly moved into action. I went over to his sink and ran a towel under the water. I made my way back over to his sleeping form and wiped the blood away. I grabbed him and pulled him close to me. He just remained still. Hands dangling at his side, neck moving in rhythm to my movements.

I moved him onto my lap. Sweetly singing “Amazing Grace” through tears. He started to move slightly. I could tell he was trying to open his eyes.

"Come on Nick, you can do it." I rocked him. He grunted.

"What are you doing son?" I dropped Nick and looked at my mother's scolding face. I ran over to the corner. I didn't want her to hurt me.

"Please Mommy I'll be good"

"I said what are you doing?" She walked towards me and I cowered. Hands over my ears rocking, trying to block out my mother's words. I hated when she came to visit me.

"Joseph you are a no good little puke faced loser!"

Amazing Grace How sweet the sound..

"Joseph, you should have died instead of Jacob, you aren't worthy of life you awful idiot!"

that saved a retch like me...

"Are you listening to me Joseph?"

I once was lost but now am found..

"I want you and your rotten awful whore of a sister to die Joseph"

was blind but now I see... I rocked and sang the chorus over and over again. When Mom's voice stopped I looked up to see her just staring at me with my father behind her. both laughing.

"You aren't gonna do it? Are ya wussy boy?" I rocked back and forth crying

"Yes, I am!"

"No, I don't think you are because you can't do anything right!" Mom let out a cackling laugh. I held a hand to my head, I was getting a really bad headache. I needed her to stop. I need them all to stop!

"Joseph, you know what needs to be done" The calm voice of my father, My Lord.

"Yes I do"

"Take him to the spirit room my son" My mother and father echoed the Lord's words. I walked over to Nick's limp body and carried him up the stairs.

When we reached the Spirit room I dropped him in the middle. He remained quiet although he was fluttering his eyelids. I wanted to wake him up so I could say good-bye. I started to cry again.

Lord why me? Why him? Why any of this?

"Lord why me?" My mother mocked.

"You're such a wimp Joe always have been and always will be"

"Shut up Mom"

"Son. it's time" I looked over to see the Lord pointing to the knife. I walked over and grabbed it. I looked down at my Nick. He was so young and peaceful.

"Do IT!!" Mom yelled

"Do it!" My Dad echoed.

"DO IT MY SON!" The Lord said. They kept repeating the words over and over again. I ran towards the lamb with knife in hand yelling the words to Amazing Grace..

I got out of the meeting and was barely able to breathe. I had no idea what to do. I sat and listened to Brian and AJ go on and on about what they found in Nick's room. They were going into such detail that I found myself reminiscing about all of those people who were in those articles. I loved them and missed them all. I noticed Brian glare at me a few times during the meeting. I think he is still suspicious of me. I don't know what else to do. Is it worth it? Has any of this been worth it? To see the worried expressions on the faces of these guys. It made me sick. I wanted to tell them he was okay. He wasn't suffering. That we were taking good care of him. I couldn't though.

Brian and AJ walked out of the room dejected and sad. I wasn't sure when I had last seen any of them smile. I decided to walk over and give Brian a big hug and thank him for turning the stuff over. When we hugged my heart was pounding so fast I thought for sure he would have figured everything out right then and there.

He seemed to think I was genuine. The truth is, I was genuine. I really was happy he turned that stuff over to the police. Part of me was anyway. I want this to be over. Maybe if the police figure it out than I won't have to do anything. Joe would never turn me in. That much I know. I could rid the world of him and finally be free to stop running. Once and for all.

I have enjoyed this job far more than the others I have had to take. The long hours have been unbearable sometimes but overall, It had been so much fun. These people were my friends. Especially Nick. We have spent so many hours together and he has let me into his heart. I love him. I really do.

I decided to give my brother a call. Check and see how the boys were doing without me. I walked into the bathroom and locked the door. Than I dialed Joe's cell...

---

I stood over his sleeping form ready to make the kill. Something was holding me back. I raised the knife standing over him. I wanted to make a clean cut right through the heart so he wouldn't feel much. Mom had always told me a knife wound through the heart isn't painful. You can't hurt what isn't there she would say.

I lowered the knife and decided to drop down on my knees and say a quick prayer for Nick before he went to join the rest of the Topper family. My family. I knelt beside him and placed my hand on his forehead. It was so warm. How could somebody with no heart have a body so warm? He shifted a little bit at my touch. I put the knife down on the ground and placed both hands over the place where his heart would be.

Dear Father, please take this man, my brother Nick into your keeping and let him sit beside you until I take my rightful place by your side. He is a good boy.

I placed my ear to his chest. There was a heart in there.

Sorry Nick than this is gonna hurt after all. I sat and watched him breath hoping he would awaken. I wanted to see his eyes one more time.

"What are waiting for now wussy boy?" Mom said standing over my shoulder staring down at Nick's resting form.

"I want him to wake up before I send him away"

"You mean kill him don't you son?"

"NO! It isn't killing if God asks you to do it" Mom laughed.

"Did you hear that husband? He doesn't think this is killing?"

"Yeah I heard" Dad replied.

"You know what I think sonny boy?"

"I don't care what you think Mom" She walked over and sat on Nick's chest.

"Oh, I'm so hurt! I think you are a cold blooded killer Joseph! Look what you did to me. Look what you did to dad." She exposed her bruise marks to me, just in case I forgot I strangled her.

"You were different though, you were evil!" She laughed. My father joined in. They both sat on Nick laughing at me.

"Stop it" I said covering my ears. They continued.

"I SAID STOP IT!" I looked around the room but they were gone. Only me and Nick. I stood up crying and a bit shaky looking for the knife.

"My son, it is time. Why do you keep putting this off? Don't you love me?" My Lord put his loving hand on me and I immediately began to calm down.

"Yes I love you father"

"Well, than, what is keeping you from sacrificing this lamb for me?"

"I love him too father"

"Joseph, sometimes we have to make ultimate sacrifices so that we may go to heaven"

"I know"

"Remember when you died on the cross for me?" I looked up at him and nodded.

"You are my son. You need to do this. You will not enter into heaven unless you do this for me!" His calm voice grew intense and loud. I ran towards the door.

"Joseph you MUST KILL HIM NOW or you will be condemned to an eternal hell!"

"Yes, father" My head was pounding so badly I was seeing double. I needed Trish to be here. Just than my cell phone rang.

---

"Hello?"

"Hey Joe, it's me. How is everything going over there?" I didn't like how he sounded. Very shaky and unattached. The way he gets when he hears voices.

"Not good. I have to do it now Trish"

"What do you mean baby?"

"God said I have to kill him now" I tensed at the words.

"No, Joe! Listen to me, that wasn't God. You are hearing voices again sweetie. God wasn't there."

"Yes, he was Trish and he was mad. He said I would go to hell if I didn't kill him now"

"You will not go to hell. It's not time Joe, it's too early. Please don't do this!" I started to pace in the bathroom.

"No, Mom I am not a wuss!" Joe was arguing with my Mom. This wasn't good. He only saw her when his delusions became dangerous.

"NO Mom I will I promise. Trish make her stop please make her stop calling me names!" He was crying.

"Honey listen to me, calm down and close your eyes." He was muttering something to himself. It sounded like the words to Amazing Grace. If I didn't calm him down he was gonna kill Nick right now.

"Joe, are you listening to me?"

"Yes" he answered in a terrified whisper.

"Mom and dad are not real. They are dead. You are just imagining them."

"They are laughing at me Trish"

"No they aren't. They aren't there at all" I could here him rustling around the room.

"Honey, are you there?"

"Yes, Trish"

"Okay. Where are you?"

"The spirit room" Oh my God! He had brought Nick up to the room.

"Listen to me Joe, where is Nick? Let me talk to him" I was concerned because I had barely heard a peep besides Joe's ranting. I was afraid that Nick might already be dead.

"He is sleeping"

"Why? What did you do to him?" I realized right than that when AJ had called him it probably sparked this attack.

"I had to make him stay quiet, Trish. AJ would have heard him. I flung him and threw the bed on top of him." I gasped. Placing my hand to my mouth to muffle a scream I felt coming on.

"Is he alive Joe?" I asked when I was finally able to talk. Please be alive!

"Yes" I let out a relieved breath.

"Listen to me, you need to bring him back downstairs. Don't do anything until I come home."

"But Trish I have to kill him. They said I have to kill him NOW!!"

"NO!! Don't kill him now! You have to wait do you understand me?" I raised my voice to him to get my point across. There was no answer.

"Yes, I understand."

"Okay good now bring him back downstairs and take some Haldol for the voices." He was whimpering.

"Did you hear me?"

"Yes I heard you Trish"

"So, you're not gonna kill him than right?" A long pause where I didn't allow myself to breath.

"No, I'll wait" I smiled.

"Good boy. I love you"

"I love you too"

"Now, bring Nick back downstairs and go and rest."

"Okay"

"I will try to be home soon"

"Good. I don't like it when you aren't here Trish."

"I know baby"

"I gotta go, I've been in the bathroom for too long now."

"Okay bye"

"Bye"

---

I put the phone down and dropped the knife. I wiped the sweat away from my eyes and picked up Nick's sleeping form.

"Where are you going?" My mother yelled after me. I refused to answer her. She wasn't real.

"Hey wussy boy! I'm talking to you! Come back here and kill that boy NOW!!"

"You're not real" I said over and over again as Nick and I made our way out of the Spirit Room and back down the stairs...

---

I poured some water on my face not believing how close I was to losing Nick before I got a chance to say good-bye. I stood over the sink and cried. I needed to get back home to Joe before he did something stupid. I'm gonna ask them for a week off. I splashed some more cold water on my face before heading out the door.

I never expected to see Kevin standing outside the door waiting for me. His eyes bulging and fearful. I tried to walk past him but he grabbed my arm and said

"WHY?"...

That meeting scared me to death. I knew that Brian and AJ had found something in Nick's hotel room but I was completely unaware of the extent of information they had found. It made me sick. Sick and mad. I could have avoided this entire situation if everyone had just opened up to me. No, we had to keep secrets. If AJ and Brian told me about the phone calls, I would have taken care of it. I'm not sure how, but I would have brought it out in the open. Maybe then, Nick would have come clean about the threats. I even asked him! "God, how stupid could I have been?"

"It wasn't your fault Kevin" Howie said coming over to me and gripping my shoulder. It didn't make me feel better. I knew it was my fault.

"I should have realized it was Nick. In fact I DID. That's why I went to visit him the night before our meeting. I got a call saying someone was gonna take my baby brother"

Howie closed his eyes. "I got that call too! IF this is your fault , then it is also mine. In fact Brian and AJ all recieved the same call. We are all to blame! Come on now Kevin, we just got Brian feeling better about this. Don't take his place, besides there is only one person to blame. The person that actually took him" that being said Howie smiled at me and left down the hallway.

The person that took Nick will pay for it. It's funny because you never realize how important someone is to you until they disappear. I have always had it in my nature to watch over that boy. Even though most times I wanted to kill him myself. There's something about Nick that makes you want to protect him. He is so naive. Immature, yet smart. The thought of him held up somewhere was not making me happy.

I ventured over to the restroom for a smoke. I told everyone I quit, but since Nick's disappearance, I had started again, That's when I heard her. She was angry and nervous about something. I almost knocked she seemed so upset, until I heard those words..

"NO!! Don't kill him now! You have to wait do you understand me?" Oh my God. That made my heart jump. I pressed my ear against the door. What the hell was she talking about? "Okay good now bring him back downstairs and take some Haldol for the voices" I listened intently to every word. "So, you're not gonna kill him than right?" She was talking about killing. I heard a few more jumbled words until the most important word of all "Now, bring Nick back downstairs and go and rest." Oh my God she said NICK! How could that be possible? I panicked actually walking around in circles trying to figure out what to do next. I was just about to run for help when she opened the door.

She looked up at me and tried to brush past me but I grabbed her. I wouldn't let her out of my grasp. I was hoping I didn't hear right? Could Trish actually be talking about Nick? Our Nick? Impossible.

"Why?" I asked her holding her so tight I knew she would be bruised as a result. She nervously tried to break free.

"Kevin get off of me!"

"I asked you why Trish?" I pushed her against the bathroom door and together we landed inside.

"I..I..I have n..no idea what you are t..t.ttalking about" She was stuttering. I never let up.

"Nick! why did you take him and who were you talking too?" She looked away. I began to shake her, "ANSWER ME DAMMIT!!" She began to laugh. I loosened my grip on her. She sat on the floor.

"You have NO idea what you are talking about Kevin. I suggest you leave it alone"

"You suggest I leave it alone? Well I'm not gonna! Tell me where he is Trish!"

She kept laughing. I wanted to kill her. I've never felt that way before. If Nick's life didn't depend on it, I may very well have killed her.

"Kevin I can't tell you that. I can tell you that If anything happens to me, he will die" I couldn't believe it. Even as the words were coming out of her mouth I couldn't believe it.

"We trusted you! Nick trusted you!" I was screaming at her. She was laughing hysterically. Howie and AJ appeared at the door. At this point I had picked her up and pinned her against the wall.

"Oh my God Kevin get off of her! Have you lost your mind?" Howie said pulling me away from the crazy woman.

"Who has him Trish? Tell us now!" I screamed even as I was being forced away.

"Kevin calm down, you're not making any sense" Howie said alarm growing in his voice. Trish tried to make a run for it but was stopped by AJ.

"So..it is you?" He said. Both Howie and I looked over at AJ.

"AJ, I have no idea what you or Kevin are talking about now let me leave this room or else!" AJ didn't budge. Howie loosened his grip on me pulling away in shock. I made my way back over to Trish. I looked over at AJ.

"Call the police now!" He nodded and bolted out of the room.

She turned to me with a coldness in her eyes. I actually took a step back. I hadn't even thought about the possibility that she was a cold blooded killer. She might have had a weapon on her. I had put all of our lives in danger. Howie sneaked over and locked the door so Trish wouldn't try to escape. Now if she had a weapon, we would be seeing it.

"You have no idea what you are doing! You have just killed Nick. I hope you're happy"

"What are you talking about?" Howie asked still not fully understanding what was going on.

"Trish kidnapped Nick" I said. He was trying to grasp the new information. "Well, Trish and someone else. She won't tell me who"

"Oh my God! Trish is he okay?" Howie pleaded with her. The glow in her eyes told me that is exactly what she wanted.

"No, he isn't. I luckily calmed down my partner but it won't happen twice. If he doesn't hear from me. He will kill Nick! You have to let me go" Howie and I looked at each other trying to make up our minds just as the police ran to the door...

---

I opened my burning eyes to see a blur. My head throbbed and I couldn't sit up. I licked my chapped lips trying to make enough saliva to swallow. I tasted blood. I placed a hand on my face to feel blood coming from one of my cheeks. I moaned. I moved my hand upwards to feel the huge bump on my head. I felt the back of my stiff neck, again my hand came back bloody.

What the hell happened to me? I rolled over on my side. I was on a cold floor. I noticed my bed lying upside down in the corner. I tried to sit up again only to feel a shooting pain in my right shoulder. I slid myself over to the bathroom. I would use the tub to help me stand up.

I got into the bathroom and forced myself into a sitting position even though my entire body racked with pain. Come on Nick, you can do this! The cold porcelain felt good on my back. I sat there for a minute trying to get my bearings. I vaguely remembered the fight. Me struggling with Joe. He was talking to someone important. Someone I desperately wanted to talk to. One of the guys I think.

Joe? I wonder if he was caught. Maybe AJ..yeah it was AJ, maybe he heard me. The adrenaline gave me the energy I needed to grab on to the tub and lift myself off of the floor. I screamed from the pain. Come on come on you can do this! Nick don't wuss your way out of this! I talked myself through the pain and managed to get a look at myself in the mirror. I didn't even recognize the reflection staring back at me. I was pale. Really pale. My hair was a matted mess of blood and my clothes were ripped. I had dried blood all over my face and neck. I took a minute and washed some of the grime off of me with a damp towel. It felt good on my skin. If I had all the time in the world I would've jumped into the tub for a nice hot bubble bath. I paused gripping the sink as a wave of dizziness overtook me. I closed my eyes willing it to pass. Luckily it did. I limped out of the bathroom into my main living area.

Signs of a struggle were everywhere. It looks like I gave Joe a good fight. I smiled at the idea. I knew I had to get out of there. If Joe was still here. He was mad. I went over to the bed and tried to remove one of the metal poles holding the bed in place. They were a little loose from being thrown. I jiggled it and played around with it until it finally became free and fell on my lap. Excellent! That's when I heard the door open. I quickly hid the pole next to the bed and took my original position lying face down on the floor...

---

The police entered the bathroom in need of an explanation. I had breifly toyed with the idea of not saying anything, but I couldn't.

"This woman is responsible for Nick's kidnapping" I said. I looked away as they cuffed her hands.

"You have the right to remain silent.." the officer was saying in the background.

"I didn't do anything!" She kept screaming over and over again. Howie, AJ and I watched as the arresting officer finished reading her, her rights and began to escort her out of the room.

"You just killed your brother!" She screamed. "I hope you're happy!"

"We're running out of time" Howie said. The thought sent chills down my spine...

I laid there as stiff as I could hoping that Joe would just think I was sleeping and leave me alone, I wasn't in the physical shape to have to try to fight with him. Even with the metal pole from the bed, I knew I wouldn't beat him. He was too big and strong, so I just closed my eyes without moving, barely even allowing myself to breathe.

I heard him walk towards me, footsteps of a crazy person right next to my ear. I could swear that he was humming something. To make things worse, I think it was one of our songs. I felt his breath on the back of my neck followed by two of his fingers touching to feel a pulse. His hands were cold and clammy. His breath smelled of garlic. I tried my best not to flinch but I couldn't help it.

"Nick? Kiddo, are you awake?" I ignored him. He gently shook me, pulling me onto my back. I remained still with my eyes shut. "Nick? Come on please open your eyes! Oh Trish is gonna be so mad at me please" He cried, his voice becoming very shaky and child like. I heard him move away from me.

Suddenly I heard him rush at me screaming at full force, my instinct made me instantly open my eyes and roll out of his path. He stopped and smiled at me.

"I knew you were playing games with me Nick, I saw you moving your face. Silly boy" He slumped down next to me, while I concentrated on my breathing. It hurt like hell when I rolled out of the way. The pain in my shoulder was excruciating. I sat up and rubbed my neck trying to make the flaming sensation go away. He scooted next to me with an ironic look of concern on his face.

"What's wrong Nick? Are you in pain?"

"Yes, a little" I was startled by the lack of voice I had. I sounded so weak and defeated, not at all like I wanted to. I was hoping to sound much stronger. No such luck.

"Here, let me see" he said pulling my shirt off my shoulder so he could peek. I moaned. He examined the area and stood up heading for the bathroom, "That's a nasty bruise you have forming there, I'm gonna ice it down for you"

While he was gone I looked over to my pole and was happy to see it was well hidden. If I needed to, I could easily grab for it. He came back with some Ben Gay, he gently rubbed some on my shoulder by just pulling the clothes away from my skin. "I'm gonna go upstairs and get you an ice pack" he said getting up to leave again, "Now don't go anywhere...Just kidding" He laughed as he ran upstairs...

---

After the police arrested Trish, the FBI got involved immediately. They brought her to their local headquarters leaving us just sitting at Kevin's house completely baffled and perplexed by the while thing. AJ and Kevin did their best to fill in the blanks but missing the entire thing I was at a loss! One thing I knew for sure was Nick was sending us a message.

"I told you guys, the cornbeef thing was a message from Nick, warning us about Trish. If we had only picked up on it sooner!"

"Brian stop, none of us would have ever suspected her in a million years" Howie said still in shock. We all were definitely in shock.

"At least we know he is alive" AJ finally said. He didn't sound very sure of it, but I could tell he needed to say it. "We're gonna get him back very soon" He continued, while still trying desperately to speak with that air of confidence in his voice.

I had convinced myself that he would come back to us shortly too. Now that we knew who had him, it would only be a matter of minutes before the FBI stormed in and grabbed Nick. When Agent Trostle showed up at our doorstep however, it changed any hope we had...

---

I had fallen asleep in the sitting position nursing my elbow, I awoke to hear the humming slowly descending the stairs. Joe had arrived with ice pack in one hand and a beer in the other. He sat beside me once again, handing me the beverage.

"Here ya go, I thought you could use this, you have not had a good day" I smiled at him. He opened the tab for me and even though I did not particularly enjoy the taste of beer, I chugged it. Anything that would help dull the pain was fine with me.

"Hey slow down there, the last thing we need is for you to get sick" He grabbed the can away from me. The ice felt great on my shoulder. "Sorry that this had to happen to you" I looked at him and frowned.

"Joe it happened to me because YOU made it happen to me" He looked hurt. What was he surprised about? Like he didn't have anything to do with me being here?

"Nick sometimes, it's a higher power that calls on us and tells us to do things, even if we don't want to" I took another sip of beer. "Like I am supposed to think that a higher power has anything to do with this" I said while gulping. He stood up looking around the room, "Do you think Abraham wanted to kill his son for God?" He sat directly in front of me. I shifted my gaze away from him. I had NO clue what he was talking about.

"Probably not" I returned hoping it was the right answer.

His eyes brightened. "Yes, you are right. He didn't want to, but was going to anyway. Out of love for God, and do you think that I.." He paused collecting his thoughts, "Do you think that Jesus really wanted to die on the cross?" I just shook my head NO quickly losing interest in this conversation.

What he did next just floored me. He bowed down on the floor and belly crawled over to me dramatically whispering in my ear.."Can I tell you a secret..."

---

When Agent Trostle told us to sit down and pulled out the huge file, We knew the news was not going to be good. He pulled out pictures of men, all with two things in common, all were around Nick's age and had similar features as him and all were dead. He talked about A spree and every four years a boy would go missing only to turn up dead, he explained that the newspaper articles matched several of these killings which until now, hadn't been relatable. They were all placed in the dead files of the FBI. He explained that he was now able to trace them back to Trish. She admitted to killing them all.

I listened as he said that she insisted it was the work of God. This woman who had an incredible head on her shoulders, this woman who I had played more than one late night game of chess with, this woman who we had trusted with our finances, our career and most importantly our youngest band member, this woman was a serial killer? I felt numb. How do you get over hearing news like that? It was the next part that was the worst, she said Nick was alive but would very soon be dead. She refused to cooperate with the FBI. There was NO way she was gonna turn in her partner. They even offered her a clemency, she refused.

He talked of 'only hopes', and spelled out different scenarios, I had turned him off at that point. Too much information was ringing through my brain and I was afraid I would have a cerebral hemorrhage right then and there. Then he made a suggestion that made me crash back to earth, he thought maybe one of us should go talk to her. She seemed like she was in shock and with familiar faces in the room, maybe she would open up to one of us. Management thought it was ludicrous, but I thought it made perfect sense and before he was even done filling in the rest of the blanks I volunteered.

"Mr. Littrell, this will not be dangerous at all, she is under extreme supervision and you will not be left alone with her." It didn't even bother me, I just had one goal in mind now, get Nick back so I could kill him myself for putting us through all of this worry!

"I'll go too" Kevin said in that tone that implied better get used to it because I'm not taking no for an answer. The agent nodded, "Very well, we will set up a meeting with her tomorrow"

When he left we all looked at each other devoid of any emotion. Emotion would have been dangerous at that point. We had all far surpassed our capacity...

---

I nodded at Joe not really sure I wanted to hear what he had to say. He smiled a sinister yet childlike smile before bending in close to my ear, cupping his hand to magnify his voice, "I am" He said. Then pulled away. I was waiting for him to continue but he seemed to be done.

"You are what?" He looked mad. Great, the last thing I wanted to do was make this idiot angry.

"I am, I am"

I was tired, so tired of all the games "You are you are WHAT!!!" I screamed at him. "JUST FINISH YOUR DAMN STATEMENT FREAK!!!"

In one swift movement he grabbed me from the floor and pushed me against the wall. His eyes were vacant. He wasn't home.

"How dare you speak to the Lord that way!" He said in a deep deep voice. He let go of me and I dropped to the floor. He was mumbling under his breath, talking to himself but I couldn't make out what he was saying.

"I am the moon, the stars, the air you breath, I am salvation, I am the reason for your existence. I am your friend, I am your brother, I am your father, I am the Savior" He looked at me and smirked. I felt tears streaming down my face. I don't recall crying but there they were, fresh and falling in buckets. He sat on the floor next to me cross- legged, both hands gripping my trembling arms. "Don't be scared my son, everyone is scared the first time they find out. Tell me Nickolas, what does it feel like to look into the eyes of God?" He asked me, I had no answer. All I could do was cry...

We sat there in silence for awhile. Luckily when Joe saw me start to cry he backed away. I just focused on my breathing and tried my best to control my shaking. My arms and legs were shaking so bad that I could barely control my motions. Did he actually believe he was God? I never really thought that could be possible that someone who can act normal to a certain degree, can really believe they are God. I glanced over at Joe and saw him with eyes closed, looking like he was in deep meditation. I looked for my metal pole, smiling when I saw it still there where I left it. I took a deep breath and continued to focus on getting control of myself. I moved slightly towards the turned over bed and my pole, careful not to make too much noise. As I inched closer and closer, I felt my adrenaline take over my body making me want to completely jump out of my skin and run away. I closed my eyes and took in a huge breath, if I was gonna do this, I had to calm myself down. I only had one chance. That's it. Just one.

Joe's position shifted slightly and I froze, careful not to even breathe. I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye and when I felt it was safe to journey forward I did. The length I had to travel was no more than a few feet away but it felt like miles. I suddenly felt for all the little ants I had ever encountered in my life, making their treks through what must have felt like miles and miles of green fields, really no more than a sneaker's length to you and me. I used to get a kick out of stepping on the ant as soon as it arrived at their destination, not anymore. Today I was the ant and Joe was the shoe.

I inched closer and closer, picturing in my head all the things that could possibly go wrong from this moment on. How if I messed up, this could possibly be my last day on earth. Was I prepared to die? Not really. I haven't even thought much about it. Dying never even seemed like an option through this, how naive I have been, to think that they were just gonna let me go at the end. But what if they would? Seriously? What if I am just jumping to conclusions and in a few days, Trish and Joe will just let me walk out, maybe this is all a big scam pulled by my record company to help market my album. Genius! I have to congratulate them when I get out of here.

The voice in the back of my head, the same voice which sounded like my mother, kept adding that stupid word IF after everything I was thinking. IF it was a scam, IF I get out, IF I escape. IF. I would never use that word again so help me God..I laughed, Or should I say so help me Joe! I laughed! Before I could take the sound back, Joe's eyes were open and peering directly at me. I was only six inches away from my target.

"What is so funny Nikolas?" I didn't like the way he kept calling me Nikolas. He made it sound so sinister and evil. I quickly moved my arms down to my sides so he wouldn't be suspicious of me reaching for anything. "Oh nothing much, just thinking of a funny joke about a bird and an iguana walking into a bar." Oh please don't ask me to tell it because I made it up! As luck would have it, he could've cared less. He closed his eyes again and placed his hands in praying position.

I inched over to now sit directly in front of the pole. I grasped it in my hand making sure I had a death grip on it. Death grip! How ironic that very statement may be. Am I ready to die? I thought to myself as I took in a deep breath and called Joe over...

---

Kevin and I sat in the waiting room eager to see Trish, there were so many questions I wanted to ask her. So many things I wanted to know. I wasn't sure how I would react when I saw her, especially in light of all of the information we had discovered about her. She was a cold blooded murderer, not even just a killer but a serial killer. I was part terrified but mostly angry. I was afraid that I would attack her when I saw her, attack her or run. Either way. I think Kevin felt the same way, he never verbalized it but I could tell just by looking at him, he was having the same thoughts as me.

Before I had a chance to reaffirm my thoughts, in walked Trish, she was wearing a bright orange jumper, and chains surrounded her waist and her feet. She shuffled in with the help of a few armed guards, her face devoid of any emotion. She was not a serial killer, not something to be feared or hated, she was just Trish. She sat and the guards just took a few steps away. Kevin and I sat across from her. She didn't look at us at all.

"Trish" I finally got out after a few moments of silence, "We need to know where Nick is. Please" She continued to stare forward, never once making eye contact. I kept going, "Trish, is he okay? Is he hurt? We need to find him and bring him back home to his family. They are worried sick Trish! We all are." Still no movement. It was as though she wasn't even hearing me. Until I said, "Please Trish? God would want you to do this for him" After I said that, she slowly and methodically looked at me and smirked.

"God?" She asked through a small laugh, "God would want me to tell you huh?" Her gaze ran down to her feet, "You sound no different then him you know!"

"Who?" Kevin asked her, "Who does Brian sound like?" She smiled again still focused on her foot. This was a game to her, I was quickly becoming nauseous, Nick's life was reduced to a game.

"All the talk about God, I thought I'd be free of it until now, it will never go away" She made eye contact with me, "It will never go away Brian never!"

She was making no sense to me at all. "What do you mean Trish?" A tear ran down her cheek. Her eyes once again fixed on her feet. I looked over to Kevin, he seemed drained. "Where is he Trish? Please, we know you love him, so HELP him" Kevin pleaded, "They are willing to work out a deal with you if you just tell us where Nick is Trish, that's all you have to do" I knew Kevin was wasting his time, I let him go on anyway. "Clemency in exchange for a location, seems like a good deal considering all you have done in the past"

She didn't answer him but instead directed her weird statements to me, "It's bigger than us Brian, it's not as easy as you think" I shook my head in confusion but she kept going on, "You understand, as a man of faith, that some things are out of our control, that's how Judas felt don't you think?" I shrugged.

"Just tell us where he is Trish"

She had stopped listening to anything going on now. Just continued to mutter about Judas, "Judas, was always one of my favorite Bible character's. I know he is the bad guy but I never saw it that way. He got the short end of the stick" All Kevin and I could do was listen. "Brian do you think Judas went to heaven after betraying Jesus like that?" Again I just shrugged, I had my own ideas about it but I wasn't about to rile her up. I needed to win this game. "I mean, he should have because he was just fulfilling a prophecy, like me" We both looked up at her when she said the last two words, 'like me.'

"What do you mean like you?" I asked her trying to find the Trish I knew in those dead blank eyes that stared back at me.

"I mean, Brian, that I can't tell you what you want to know. I'm sorry" She then looked away.

"No wait a minute, I think you owe us more than that!" I raised my voice which brought the guards a little bit closer to us. Kevin quickly put an arm on my shoulder to calm me down. I took a breath and said a little more calmly, "Trish, this isn't a prophecy, it's a kids life we are talking about. A kid that we all love dearly" Then just for a second, I saw her. Trish, the one I knew, I saw the blank eyes briefly fill with emotion.

"Brian, I didn't want to be picked for this, I didn't want to be chosen, it just happened"

"Chosen, what are you talking about?"

"I'm sorry" She looked at the guards and made a motion that she wanted to leave.

I couldn't let her out of this room without the answers I was looking for, "Trish how are you like Judas?"

She looked at me again, "I'm not like Judas, if I told you what you wanted to know, then I would be" I had her!

"But wait a second Trish, then you aren't truly doing what you are meant to do, if it was meant for all of this to happen then it is meant for us to find Nicky and punish whoever has him, like Judas betrayed Jesus." I saw a light of hope shining through Kevin's eyes as we both waited for a reply.

"He's been to the spirit room, it's too late! You're too late" She whispered almost under her breath.

That got Kevin out of his seat and grabbing for Trish, the guards as well as the FBI who were watching the entire thing unfold from behind the glass, were all over the room in a matter of seconds.

"What's a spirit room?" I asked her through all of the ruckus ensuing around us.

She continued, "It's the room where we do it, where we sacrifice them, He took him up there. It's only a matter of days now. I'm sorry"

I approached her even through the three guards who were trying to shuffle her out of the room, "It's not too late, TELL ME! I can stop it from happening!" I tried to follow her out of the room but an FBI agent kept me from pursuing her. I turned to Kevin terrified, "He's been to the spirit room!" I said horrified at the very sound of it...

---

"Joe!" I said again after my first attempt went ignored. I decided that if he didn't answer this time than it wasn't meant to be. Unfortunately he looked up with questioning eyes. No turning back now Carter! I thought to myself as I tried my best to lure him over to me.

"What is it Nickolas?" He's using my given name again, I hate that.

"Can you come here for a minute?" I felt my pulse quicken and a huge lump formed in my throat as he got up from the floor and made my his way over to me, I had a split second idea to just drop the pole and accept defeat, make up some lie and ask him to turn my bed right side up so I could just sleep the rest of my days away. I quickly talked myself out of it as he sat right beside me putting his arm on my shoulder in a concerned way.

"What is it Nickolas?"

"My hand hurts, I was hoping you could take a look at it" He looked at my free hand first and again second thoughts creeped in my mind, as he approached my second hand, the one holding tight to the metal pole. He bent all the way down to look and as he did I hit him with all of my strength on the back of the head, he slumped to the floor. I stood up in one movement and headed for the stairs, he grabbed my ankle and I fell to the floor. I reached for the pole again as he pulled me towards him, groaning under his breath. I could see the fresh blood welling up on the wound I had made. I reached again and this time got hold of it bringing it down on his head once again. He stopped moving all together. I pulled away from his grasp and reached in his pocket and pulled the keys from their chain. I also searched him for the phone but unfortunately it wasn't on him. I made a break for the door, never looking back but hearing him groaning, he would be up in a matter of seconds.

I flew up the stairs and was so rushed to get the keys into the keyhole that I almost dropped them down the steps, they fell from my grip and landed at my feet. As I picked them up I saw Joe's tall figure coming on up the steps right behind me now. I got the key in and opened the door just as he reached for my leg. I slammed the door on his arm. He howled in pain but I couldn't care less, I slammed on the door once again and this time he removed his arm totally from the entrance, I was able to lock the door and ran to the living room where the padlock was located, I searched for the small key to undo that one when I heard him body slamming the door. I couldn't scream, even if I wanted to. I was so terrified that I couldn't even make a sound. I fiddled with the keys trying each one as I heard the door Joe was hitting break and fall to the floor...

We came back to AJ's house feeling like we had gotten no farther than where we were before. Well, except for the mind numbing fear for Nick's safety. Afterall he did see the spirit room according to that crazy bitch! Kevin and I made not even one sound on the entire car ride back to the guys. Not one, I know I was trying to envision what Nick might possibly be going through. How scared he might be, how alone he might feel.

I rubbed at my temples as Kevin caught Howie and AJ up to date on all that Trish had said, which wasn't much. I saw their faces turn from curious to angry to nervous, just as mine had done.

"Spirit room?" Howie asked, more for the sake of repeating it than confirming it. I nodded to him. He gasped and sat all the way back in his chair.

"You think he's alive?" He asked from his new slumped position, my head was down but I still thought he was alive. I don't think Kevin did, but I did. "Yes, he is still alive. He has to be"

"Trish mentioned a he right?" AJ asked.

Kevin nodded at him, "Yeah she did. Why?" I could tell AJ had a thought in his mind but he didn't share it with us. I decided not to press him about it. When he's ready to share he will. I probably wouldn't want to hear anyway. These days no news was good news.

We just sat there not really knowing what to do next. I felt like we had to do something to help. Anything.

"Maybe Agent Trostle will get more out of her, you know...now that we have left"

"Maybe"

"So I guess we just sit and wait some more" Kev said as he put his feet up and sighed, "Somebody should call Mom and Dad Carter to let them know what Trish said"

"Why? I mean it would just worry them. I say we don't" Howie suggested. I agreed. I wish we didn't know about anything too. Especially the spirit room.

"Guys?" All eyes turned to AJ as he sat up straight

"Yeah?" Kevin said wearily, "What is it Bone?"

AJ stood up, walked over to the kitchen counter and leaned against it. His mind searching for the right words to say. His eyes were looking towards the ceiling before landing on Howie's face. "You guys remember when I called Joe?"

We all nodded, Howie looking a little more leary than the rest of us. Have they talked about this the two of them? Is this old news for them but not for us?

"Yes, AJ what about it?" I asked losing my patience a little. He walked over to where I was sitting and hunched down so he was looking up at me. He looked like someone who had just solved the biggest mystery in the world, maybe he had.

"Do you remember that I said I thought I heard someone in the background?"

"Yes, I remember that. You said it was a girl and they were fighting, I remember and?" I was still short with him. I don't know why. He sensed it and stood up and moved away from me resting instead very close to where Howie was sitting.

"That night, after I got off the phone with Joe, something didn't settle right with me. It was the voice..It sounded so familiar"

"Do you think it was Trish?" Kevin asked now sitting at the edge of his seat.

"No, that's not possible, she was here with us when that happened" I said dejected. Another great idea thrown out the window.

"No, you don't understand what I'm trying to say.."

"Than why don't you just say it then?" I was being rude. I would apologize later, for now that's the way I felt. Maybe I'd apologize at the funeral. When the four eldest helped to carry the baby to his final resting place, yeah maybe then I would say I'm sorry.

"Rok! You are not listening to me" J screamed bringing me out of my uncomfortable thoughts.

"What? What are you saying then?" I screamed back.

"I'm saying that the voice I heard sounded familiar, it was saying help in a muffled tone"

I stopped and looked at him, then I looked at everyone else before turning my eyes slowly back to AJ.

"It sounded like Nick, I think it WAS Nick" Oh my God, of course it was. Of course, Joe was there when it happened, Joe was always around Nick..Joe was..

"Oh God! We need to call the police!" I said as I ran for the phone...

---

I tried all the keys in the lock but none of them were working, Joe had fallen to the floor after he knocked down the door. I saw his head as he fell to the ground it was still bloody. I turned my attention back to the lock trying the very last key. My hands were shaking so much I couldn't get into the hole. Joe was up on his feet, I didn't turn around but I heard his footsteps close behind me, muttering under his breath. Come on Come on Come on, I got the key in the hole and turned, I heard it click open as Joe's hand touched my shoulder. I turned around and kicked him in the nuts, he keeled over and I bolted out the door.

I ran and took two steps before stumbling down the porch stairs, I rolled about three times and just got up and ran. The sun was burning bright over head and it was hard to adjust to the light. I hadn't seen the sun in a long time. There was no other house anywhere. We were alone in the middle of nowhere. I turned back to look at the house. There was not a window anywhere. It was brown and dilapidated. There was a car, a red pick up truck sitting by the mailbox. I ran over to it and hopped inside, looking for a key. No luck, I turned around again and saw Joe staggering outside looking at me in the car and smiling. I jumped out and ran again.

"It's no use running my young friend! You'll never get away, it's God's will! It's my will!" He let out a wicked laugh but I ignored him. Just kept running. I came to start of the woods and peered behind me to see Joe now in full run pursuing me, I ran into the woods. And tripped over a log. I came crashing down on my ankle. It hurt like hell but I didn't have time to care. I stood up and kept running.

"Get back here!!!" He screamed at me through the trees. I could feel my heart beating so fast in my chest but if I slowed down to let my heart catch up with my feet I would be a goner. I ran jumping over logs and through trees, passing furry creatures that would have led me to stop and enjoy.

"NIIICK!! Get back here! NO use fighting it kid! You have to come back now!!!" I heard him, he was so close. I turned around in circles to see if I could spot him but no luck. I took a minute to decide on a direction bending down and resting my hands on my knees to catch my breath.

"Hi buddy" He whispered in my ear, I turned around and he laughed as he grabbed my arms, I struggled to break free of him but he had a grip on me. I kicked at his ankle and he grimaced in pain, "Stop that you son of a bitch!" He said to me I did it again and this time he let go, I ran.

"Son of a bitch!!! Come back here! I'm gonna tear you limb from limb boy! You better get back here now!!" He ran towards me but stopped. He stopped dead in his tracks, I thought he was having a heart attack or something. He sat down on a broken tree limb And held his hands to his ears saying NO over and over again.

"No! I am a good boy mommy, No he will not! No, I will Mommy! I promise!" He was rocking holding his ears and crying. I turned and fled farther into the woods...

---

"Agent Trostle said they were sending a police car to Joe's apartment right now. Maybe this thing will finally end!" I felt relief for the first time since this started. I had forgotten how nice it was to feel a glimmer of hope. Nick would be found. Of course Joe had him. How could we be so stupid? First we miss the fact that it was Trish, now Joe.

"If we hadn't fired him, you think Nick would have been safer?" Kevin asked, sometimes I think we are all tuned into each other's thoughts.

"I don't know Kev, I have a feeling if we didn't fire him, he would have quit." Howie said, "Hmm" We looked at D when he grunted, "What D?"

"Didn't the police already suspect Joe?"

"Not sure why do you ask?"

"Because I remember, someone saying that. Joe was a suspect but they cleared him. Didn't they?" Why was Howie doing this to us?

"Well, they got it wrong then Howie, even the police got it wrong because there is no doubt in my mind that Joe did it!"

"Mine either, just wondering" I was pacing now, just waiting for a call from the FBI, police or maybe Nick himself. An hour went by but still no information was given to us, when finally the phone rang. AJ ran to get it with a huge smile on his face.

"Hello?....Speaking..." He gave us a look to let us know it was the call we were waiting for. We all gathered around the phone. His expression stayed unreadable while he took in the info. "Uh huh....uh huh... uh huh...okay, I will..thanks..bye" He hung up the phone.

"Well? What is it? Did they find him?" By the length of time it took AJ to answer, I knew the news wasn't good. I braced myself for the worst.

"They searched Joe's apartment, with a warrant but when they got there, it was totally empty. He never lived there. It was a decoy."

"FUCK!" Howie screamed, surprising everyone in the room.

"They went to ask Trish about it but she refused to give him any more info. She said she wanted to talk to you again" He said as he looked directly at me. "Agent Trostle is sending a car over for you right now! He is hoping that she will tell you what we need"

"Okay" I said as I took a deep breath. I was gonna get it out of her this time.

---

I stopped in a clearing allowing myself to sit for a minute. I wasn't sure how long I had been running but I knew I was tried. I felt nauseous and dizzy, pain from my sprained ankle coming back full force. I sat by a tree trunk and pulled my sock away to get a look at my ankle. It was swollen. I grimaced as I noticed all the cuts and scrapes I had. That was nothing to the tightness in my chest I was feeling or the dizzy headache that was making it hard for my eyes to remain open. I hadn't seen or heard Joe in a little while and I had hoped that maybe he went back to the house and gave up.

I was safe for now, even being in the woods alone was safer than being back at that house. I was shivering now, but not from fear, more from being cold. The bright sun was replaced with dusk as the shadows of the tree made me feel like I was surrounded my monsters. I hugged my knees tight and closed my eyes to rest. Maybe this was all a bad dream, maybe I would wake up in a safe warm bed and be home. Maybe..

"Nickolas! You're here aren't you? I can feel you" I slouched down and rolled away to hide behind a bush. I heard the dried twigs breaking under his weight as he slowly edged his way closer and closer to my hiding spot...

I was careful not to even breathe as he made his way closer and closer to where I was hiding. He was just on the other side of the tall bush I found myself hiding behind. His long deep breaths sending chills down my spine. He turned my way and smiled at me. I was found. I stood up shakily and started to back up, he was holding a flashlight.

"Hello Nickolas" He said, the flashlight giving his face an eerie glow. I continued to back up searching his hands for a gun. Luckily he had none--that I saw anyway. I turned to run.

"Nick! Why do you insist on running away from me? You are beginning to tax my patience boy" I didn't answer him just ran, deeper into the woods, while he was right on my heels. It's funny how adrenaline works, normally, if I took the time to understand where I was, I would have freaked out. Alone in the woods at night. No flashlight, no jacket, no protection. That never crossed my mind though. My only thought was to get away from Joe. No matter what the cost. I would deal with all that other stuff later. I saw a patch of very tall trees just about ten yards from me so I made a mad dash for them.

"Come back here Nick! This instant! No more games, child. You can't disturb destiny! I won't allow you too!

"Fuck destiny and fuck you too!" I shouted as I continued to run. Faster than I ever have before. I reached the trees and zig zagged my way through them until my legs gave out from under me and I went crashing to the ground. I thought about just laying there, giving up. But then I heard the voices of everyone I have ever known, everyone who has ever pushed me when I needed it, telling me to get my ass up and run. I tried to stand but couldn't so I crawled, not caring what kind of bugs or animals I was encountering with my hands. I came to a large tree fallen on it's side and decided to make that my new hiding place. I sat against the tree and listened for footsteps. Just waiting to get caught...

---

When Kevin and I arrived back at the police station, we were met by a barrage of reporters. We brushed them all off as we made our way inside. We were shuffled into a small room where once again an armed guard stood. Trish was brought in this time looking a little relieved. I wasn't sure if this was good or not. When she saw the guard standing there, she tried to leave the room. They pushed her to her seat. She looked up at the two way mirror, "No deal! I said I had to speak to them alone! If this guy stays and we are NOT moved to a more private room, with No looking in, Then I guess I have nothing to say!"

Kevin and I just looked on as they came in and brought her to another room, "Mr. Littrell, Mr. Richardson, be careful, there is no camera in here and we can't monitor your conversation. If you don't feel comfortable with that we'll tell her tough luck. It's up to you"

I knew I was willing to chance it, even though she was a murderer, I wasn't afraid of her for some reason. Kevin also agreed so we were left with just Trish in chains. She looked at us and smiled. "So..figured it out then didn't you?" I nodded.

"What's the deal with you and Joe?" I asked her, she cackled.

"He's my crazy brother, and when I say crazy Brian, I mean crazy. She sat back and rolled her eyes. "He's nuts!"

I couldn't believe it! It's true. It really was Joe.

"Why did you want to see us alone?"

"I didn't want to see you Kevin. I just asked for Brian but I figured he would take someone else with him"

"Okay, then why Brian? Stop playing these ridiculous games and tell us where we can find Nick! That's why you asked us to come here isn't it?" She sat forward and looked around the room, making sure she wasn't being watched. "I wanted to see you guys because if the police find Joe, He will kill himself and Nick. The police can't know" She suddenly got a very sad a solemn expression on her face. "It's time to stop this. All of this, I know after Nick it was all gonna end anyway. He is the lamb."

"What are you talking about Trish?" Kevin was losing his cool making me regret my decision to bring him.

"Kevin calm down and let her talk" I couldn't believe I was saying that but I needed to understand what she was talking about.

"Thank you Brian, now I know why Nick liked you best" If I could've I would have ripped her head off but I didn't. Just sat and listened.

"We have a place very close to where Nick lives now. It's a cabin out in the woods..."

I listened intently as she gave us an in depth description of the place where Nick was being held captive. Kevin took out his note pad and was writing every word she said. "You have to go find him before it's to late. He doesn't have much time left. If Joe doesn't hear from me soon, he will flip out, Trust me"

"Then why can't we just tell the police?"

"That's not the way this should end" She said making it seem so trite.

"How should it end?" She moved even more forward on her chair and said in a wicked whisper, "Why, with the campanions of the lamb rushing in and saving the day of course"

"What are you talking about?" I asked her.

"Revelation" Was all she said.

---

I was so cold, I held back the urge to cough, I felt it creeping up my throat itching it's way to my vocal chords. I gulped hoping that would help. It didn't. I started to cough. I jumped up on instinct but was happy when I didn't see him there. The sounds of the woods around me were getting louder as I was becoming more aware of my environment. Crickets chirping all around me and animals scurrying at my feet. I sat on the fallen tree with my legs dangling over the sides just wrapping my arms around me in a hug. I had no idea what to do next. I knew that the farther I travelled into the woods the better my chances of NOT running into Joe, but also, God only knew what I might encounter instead.

I have the worst luck in the entire universe, I thought aloud through chattering teeth. Rubbing my arms trying to warm up. My plan was to maybe sleep right here in this spot. Well, really just wait around until the first sign of daylight. Then I would make a run for the edge of the woods back towards the main road. I wouldn't even look back. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. My body was shaking and my head was spinning but I refused to close my eyes. There was no way I was going to sleep. No way.

I started humming to myself, any tune that I could think of. I don't know why, but Amazing Grace popped in my head. So there I sat, rubbing my arms, shivering and humming Amazing Grace. Wondering what, if anything might be lurking around me.

---

"So what do we do now?" I asked Kevin as we watched Trish leave the room, I knew the detectives were going to drill us about what was said. Now we just had to figure out what to say.

"We go get him" Kevin said giving me a look of certainty. He knew that was what he planned on doing from the moment Trish mentioned the idea.

"But what if we are walking into a trap? Shouldn't we have backup?" I don't think Kevin was totally thinking properly and I had to make sure we were going to do the right thing.

"Brian, I have no idea, all I know is we are running out of time. I say we go and get him before it's too late." I nodded. Oh my God what were we doing? I thought as Kevin made up a story about what Trish wanted. We were lying to the police.

As we walked out the door, Kevin picked up his cell and called Howie and AJ to fill them in and meet us at the airport. We were going to the Little Cabin In the Woods. I closed my eyes as I lied to my wife about where I was going. Kevin did the same. We sat there in the car, silent and waited for Howie and AJ.

I never realized how easily I take sleep and shelter for granted. Two things that have for the most part always been there for me. I was so tired and cold that I couldn't even think straight. I tried to focus my attention on something else besides sleep, maybe try to count the number of chirps I hear in a minute or the number of times I felt something fuzzy walk across my hand. Perhaps the number of times I swiped at an invisible mosquito. Anything but think of sleep. I found myself drifting to thoughts of home. Mom and Dad waking me up on Saturday mornings for breakfast, then playing with my brother before running to my backyard and shooting some hoops with Dad. I missed them so much. If I could see in the dark, dark night, I would've written them a note. Something to tell them how much I loved them all. In the morning I will. If I make it to the morning.

I had another bought of coughing, as the night went on, the fits became harder to control. I was getting sick. Gee I wonder why? Pull yourself together Nick come on you can do this! I adjusted on the tree so that I was lying on my back, looking up at the night sky. The moon was especially bright tonight. Thank God for small favors. I closed my eyes briefly recalling the guys. We had come so far. I was ready to leave them for something petty. What happened again? It's funny I don't recall. Whatever the reason, I was almost driven to leave the band. How stupid. Did I tell them how much they meant to me? Did I leave mad? I tried my hardest to remember back to the last time I talked to the guys. There were so many instances that we were angry with each other, especially of late. How petty and small it all seemed now. I know I had written it all down in Julia... God did I take her with me when I ran? No! Ah well, maybe someone will find it someday.

I lost my balance and fell.

Right onto the hard, cold ground. I just laid there with my head down and my eyes closed. Suddenly it seemed so comfortable. Like a feather bad. So comfortable and warm. WAKE UP YOU DUMBASS! I jolted awake, still all was quiet around me, was that actually me yelling at myself to wake up? It sounded a bit like AJ. Even in my brain AJ calls me a dumbass. I couldn't help but smile. I sat up finding it harder and harder to move, every bone in my body ached. Then I noticed I was able to see my hands. How was that possible? The moon couldn't have been that bright. I saw the shadow of daylight quickly engulfing me and realized that I had slept and more importantly survived through the night. I stood up very slowly surprised at how shaky my legs were. My feet were still asleep as I felt the prickles of pins and needles going up and down my legs as I tried to walk. Make it back up to the main road. That was my goal. Make it..or die trying.

I walked about a half mile, before I fell down again. I couldn't go on any further. My legs hurt too bad and the pain in my legs were only matched by the pain in my head. I laid down in a pile of pine needles. They smelled so good. Like Christmas. I tucked my arms under the pile and tried to scrunch them up as a pillow. The were pinching my face, but they smelled so good I let them. I wish I had a blanket.

"Are you here my young friend? I thought I saw you moving around out there?" My eyes snapped open at the sound of Joe's voice. He sounded like he was less than two feet away from me. I looked to my left and saw his boots. Muddy and worn, he had been out searching all night. "Nickolas! I know you can hear me. I know you are here!" His voice sounded groggy and agitated. I was defeated. I wanted to cry, hold up a white flag and let the cards fall as they may. I was going to give up!

I was just about to stand and let him take me when he moved further away from me and sat on a log. "I want to tell you a little story" He said staring up at the trees as If they were listening with anticipation to every word he said, "It's a story from the Bible Nick! I hope you have read it. I told you to, but you don't follow directions do you. DO YOU!!!" I jumped back when he screamed the last two words. "Anyway, it's about the seven bowls." He paused and pulled out a cigarette from his jacket. I never even knew he smoked. "It's from Revelation the last book of the Bible, one of the shortest, yet the most powerful!" He stood up then and took in a deep breath as if ready to sing. He held up his hand, the hand with the cigarette in it, "I heard a mighty voice from the sanctuary!" He was talking in a deep loud stage voice as he recited ver batim, the words of the Bible, "Say to the seven angels, Go and pour out upon the Earth the seven bowls of God's wrath!" He began to laugh. He stopped to take a puff of his cigarette and then continued, "The first angel Nick, he went out and poured his bowl on man and it was full of sickness, boils and sores appeared on all men who came into contact with the bowl" He took his cigarette and proceeded to burn himself on the arm, clearly in pain, he winced, but didn't stop.

When he finally brought the cigarette away from his arm he stood there admiring his burn. "Yup, I bet it felt like that Nick. Painful, but it was God's will" At the mention of my name, I tried to back up but stopped when I broke a twig making a slight cracking sound. He looked my way but didn't see me. I had managed to hide myself pretty well amongst the pine needles and branches.

"Anyway, the second angel poured out the contents of the second bowl right into the sea. Can you guess what happened Nick?" Like I was gonna answer, oooh ooh pick me? pick me? I know! He paused for a moment but then continued, "It turned to blood"

He started to walk towards me once again, I didn't make a sound. "The third angel poured out his bowl on the rivers and springs, they also turned to blood!" He was definitely looking for me. Not looking, he was hunting. All he was missing was the bright orange jumper. "Then I heard the angel in charge of the waters cry You are just oh holy one, who is and who was passing this sentence!" He stomped out his cigarette inches away from where I was hiding. He sat down right next to me, "See, Nick, the people where worshiping their God! They were afraid but they understood" I knew he was looking and speaking to me, I just refused to look at him. I sat up coming face to face with him. He smiled. "It's destiny my young friend" I rolled away from him and stood up on my shaky legs. He sighed and stood himself, not walking towards me but away, back to his original post where he was at the beginning of the story.

He turned away from me, speaking a little louder so I could here him with his back turned, "Revelation 16:8, the fourth angel poured out HIS bowl on the sun. He was commissioned to burn men with fire." He turned back to face me, and that's when I knew I was going to die. In his hand was another cigarette which wouldn't have seemed so terrifying if it wasn't being held right next to a canister of gasoline. It must have been there the whole time but from my view point I didn't see it. Then I noticed the puddles all around me, from the pine needles that were my security blanket, to the log he was sitting on all wet, with the fluid. "Those burnt by the intense heat blasphemed God Nick!" I turned to run as he lit the cigarette and threw it onto the wooded floor. In seconds, the twigs caught fire and everything was beginning to burn. I felt the immense heat right at my back as Joe continued to scream about destiny and bowls. I had to stop and cough and found myself very dizzy. The smell of gas coming up on me quick.

I turned to see if he was coming up behind me, but I found myself hitting the ground. I closed my eyes and coughed, hoping I would die a quick painless death. The smoke and heat coming fast upon me, I was helpless...

We mapped out our rescue plan on the long plane ride back to Florida. We were crazy, I wasn't sure what we thought we'd accomplish by going to find Nick. Except maybe get ourselves killed in the process. Don't get me wrong I wanted to find him as much as anybody. I loved Nick, but I knew this was a big mistake. We weren't trained for this, we were pop stars for goodness sakes. Not policemen. It's funny because I've always read about those stars who think they have become invincible because of their popularity, trying out for professional sports teams, running for office, launching themselves into space, now here we were all four of us, going into God knows what. No back up plan, no weapons, just us. Four Backstreet Boys.

"Brian are you listening to me man?" I nodded to Kevin who was going over our plan for the tenth time.

"I know what I'm supposed to do"

He took and a deep breath and continued with what he was saying, "When I knock, AJ and Howie will go and try to get in the back. You and I will hopefully be allowed to come in" This was the stupidest plan I have ever heard of. We were going to die for sure. The fasten seat belts sign blinked on and I started to panic.

"Are you guys ready for this? I mean if you want to back out, now is the time. I will totally understand. So...is everybody in?" He looked at the three of us, I was amazed that Kevin didn't have a second thought about going in there. Not once did he change his mind. The rest of us however, weren't quite as sure.

Howie was the first one to speak. "Yes, I'm in" He said it quietly but very certainly.

"Me too, you know what I think? I think after we get him the hell out of there, we need to fire the little shit!" Leave it to AJ to provide comic relief at a time like this. All eyes then went to me.

I actually thought about backing out. Yeah some friend I am, he would do this for me in a minute, he would do this for any of us. "I'm in" I said, confident that I had made the right choice. We were going to get Nick and bring him home to his family.

---

The flames where beginning to get closer, I could feel the heat on my feet. I was also finding it harder to breathe. I was taking big gasps of air only to cough seconds later, then I started to block it all out. Everything. It was just me and my dogs, home by the fireplace. That's what it felt like a little, the heat on my feet reminded me of the heat coming off of a fireplace on a cold winter's night. I would love some egg nog. I never touched the stuff as a kid, but once I discovered the secret of spiking it with rum, I looked forward to it every holiday. I rolled over on my side as another bout of coughing hit me. I could no longer take deep breaths of fresh air because now everything around me was in flames.

I laid on my back and looked up at the trees that where ablaze. It looked magnificent. Not many people ever get the chance to see a fire this close, like living through the eye of a tornado. It was beautiful, the breeze, making the flames point upwards, maybe this was God's will, it looked as if the flames were looking up to the sky for approval. Tendrils of smoke were making their way down from the tall trees to the ground where I was. I sat up, it was hard but I did it. I wanted to take a last look, see if the flames engulfed Joe yet. I didn't see him anywhere, he must have burnt to a crisp by now. Then my adrenaline kicked in again and I tried to stand. I got up only to fall back down to the ground. I belly crawled my way a little farther but it was no use, the fire was encircling me. This was it. I stood up one final time and miraculously was able to stay on my feet. I started to walk briskly away from the worst part of the fire. My walk turned into a run as I saw an opening, an out. I made a sprint for it, but my legs gave way once again making me fall to the floor. As I closed my eyes I swore I heard sirens, blaring very loud and very close. Good they know there's a fire, maybe they'll find me..may..be..then I found myself there in my dream next to my fireplace, petting my dog, drinking egg nog watching the flames dance.

---

As we approached the spot were the cabin was supposed to be we saw a huge cloud of smoke. There were firemen and policemen everywhere. Directing traffic and telling people to turn around. "Great, what now?" J said as we watched the scene unfolding in front of us.

"It looks like a forest fire or something" Howie said as he continued to drive us towards our destination. D opened his window as a fireman walked over.

"You have to turn back, it's too dangerous to proceed up this road, a fire has broken out and is currently out of control"

"But sir, we really need to get up there to our cabin"

"Your cabin?" Yes Howie rattled off the address, that he was greatful he memorized.

"Oh sorry sir but that is right in the center of the problem" I shoved closer to Howie so I could get a word in.

"Sir, my brother was there, did the police check the house to make sure everyone got out?" Kevin nodded at my brilliant idea.

"I'm sure he did but hold on a second and I can tell you where he was directed to go."

"Thanks" I said as the policeman made his way over to a few other men who where probably in charge of the evacuation. "That was a great idea Brian" Kevin said as we watched the men talking.

He came back a few minutes later, "Sir, nobody was there. So my guess is your brother saw the fire and left on his own"

"Thanks" Howie turned the car around and started to head back down the hill. "What now guys?"

This was so frustrating. Everytime we thought we saw a glimmer of hope, it would be dashed. "I think we still need to go up there" Kevin said motioning Howie to pull off the road so we could talk about it.

"Kev, he's not there" J interjected as he nervously bit at his fingernails.

"How do we really know that though? I mean if Joe saw a police car appear at his front door, would he answer it or hide?" We all took a minute to absorb what Kevin had said. He had a good point.

"How are we gonna get up there with the police redirecting everybody back down the hill?" I asked. I didn't mean to keep putting a damper on the situation but it needed to be asked.

"We go by foot!" Kevin pointed to the woods.

"But Kevin, isn't that a little dangerous?" Howie asked, good another person coming to their senses.

"Jesus Howie. This entire plan is just one big death trap! Why not go for it!"

I took a deep breath and looked at the woods. "Well what are we waiting for let's go!" I said opening my car door. We moved quickly into the woods.

We walked for about a mile before we could really smell the smoke. It was rising from deep within the heart of the woods. "I think we can all agree, that this is the stupidest thing we have ever done correct?" AJ said as he kept swatting at mosquitos that were dancing around his head.

"I don't think saving Nick's life would be coinsidered stupid Bone" Kevin said never taking his eyes off the ground.

"Okay good point!" I had to laugh at AJ's inability to deal with the great outdoors. Survivor to him would have been leaving him at a luxury hotel and telling him he had to stay outside for at least three hours a day. The horror of it all.

"Guys look. Over there!" Kevin pointed to the form of something lying on the ground. It looked big. Person sized. He darted across the brush with us following on his heels. The flames of the near by fire were coming closer to the location where the person was lying, we only hoped we could reach him in time...

---

I was floating, in the hot summer air. I had always wondered what it felt like to fly. Being lifted up above the ground. I heard a voice, calm and soothing telling me everything would be alright. I believed him. He held me in his arms protectively and guided me through the burning ground. I couldn't see his face through the smoke and haze and for some reason I couldn't speak. I recognized the voice. Calm, slow and soothing. Always protecting me when I needed it.

"Don't worry little man you will soon be safe. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I didn't mean it too" I knew I would be safe. If Kevin told me I was gonna be okay. I believed him. Now he had me in his arms and I was really gonna be okay.

"Just a little further, Nicky, okay? God I'm so sorry. What have I done? Just a little further kiddo okay?"

You shouldn't blame yourself Kevin. This isn't your fault. I wish I could've said that to him to make him feel better. I tried to speak but nothing came out. He was crying though, as he frantically ran with me in his arms. I had a hard time keeping my eyes open now, so I closed them and let my big briother carry me to safety.

---

Kevin reached the man first. The kid was on his side not facing us but he was about Nick's height. My pulse started to quicken when I realized it might be him. Finally! Kevin grabbed him and turned him over to face us. Happiness was replaced by horror when we saw the guys face. A firefighter who had encountered a little more than a fire.

"Oh my God Kevin, is he breathing?" Kevin bent down and put his ear to the man's chest to see if he heard a heartbeat.

"Yes I think so" He began shaking the man "Sir, are you okay? We are gonna get you help. Just hold on" He grumbeld making us all breath a little easier.

"Who did this to you?" J asked from his new place on the other side of the fallen fighter.

AJ's question was merited considering the shape the guy was in. He had a huge knot on the back of his head and the entire left side of his face was swollen and bruised.

"Sir, what's your name?" Kevin asked him as the man gradually opened his eyes. He groaned trying to sit up, but Kevin pushed him back down. "WHO are you people? What are you doing here?" He said when he realized where he was. He placed his hand to his head and looked at the blood it produced.

"Sir, we are gonna get you out of here"

"The names Ben..And WHO are you people? Can't you see the woods are on fire?" He tried to stand up but fell back to the ground.

"My name's Kevin and we came to help"

"Well, I appreciate that Kevin but this is NO place for a person to help. Besides the fire, we also are dealing with an idiot who hit me!" He stood up this time with Kevin and AJ grabbing a hold of him. His legs were wobbly but he soon manged on his own.

"Did you see who did this to you?" I asked now knowing it had to be Joe.

"I didn't get a look at him, he attacked me from behind. I was gonna help this young fella who was on the ground unconscious" We all looked at each other fear evident on all faces, especially when he said the word unconscious. "And when I got to him, I was hit from behind"

"The young guy you said you saw, was he a blonde?" Kevin said almost frantically.

"Yes, a young blonde, maybe in his late teens or early twenties. He looked pretty battered himself." He paused for minute trying to remember, "The guy hit me and grabbed the kid and took off"

"Which way?" Kevin asked.

Ben was still holding his head trying to will the pain away. "Up that way" He said pointing to his right.

Kevin turned to Howie and AJ, "You two stay with him, Brian and I will go get Nick!" Before anyone could protest Kevin was up and running with me following close behind.

"Be careful!" The guys yelled as Ben was telling us to come back.

---

"Just a little further, Nicky! We're almost home! I am so sorry" Kevin cried as he walked me out of the woods, the heat dissipating with every step. It hurt too much to open my eyes so I kept them closed as he laid me down on the ground. He cradled my head on his lap rocking me and crying. I wanted to console him but only coughs were escaping instead of words. "That's right, Nick, breathe, you will be okay breathe." He was gently caressing my cheek telling me to breath. "Now we are home. I'm sorry I had to do that, Nick" I coughed but I had to tell him everything was alright. I had to.

"It's oo" Coughing fit "Kay"

"I just had to get you out of the woods, the only way I could think of, was setting them on fire, I didn't mean for you to get hurt." He didn't just say that. He couldn't of just said that. I forced my eyes open and the bright glare of the sun temporarily blinded me to the situation. For when the head of the man who saved me from the fire came into my view, It wasn't Kevin. It was Joe.

I looked up at Joe, as he held my head gently in his lap. He seemed to be crying and in an altered state. No duh Nick, you think? I mean the guy only set the woods on fire! I tried to sit up but the pain running through my back and head made it almost impossible. I laid back down, "Easy my little lamb, don't move just try to relax"

I Jerked at the sound of Joe's voice. So calm and gentle, it was confusing to me. "Joe", I had to take a few deep breaths before continuing, "if you leave now, someone will find me and you will be safe. I won't say a thing to anyone, I promise" I looked up at him, desperation clearly heard in my voice. He shook his head while he adjusted his legs under my body.

"Come on Nickolas, we have to go back inside" He rolled me off of him for a minute so he could gain his footing then in one swoop I was in his arms yet again, going back to where this nightmare all started, the house. With every step he took, all I could do was watch freedom go farther into the distance. The fire still ablaze all around us, dangerously close to the house. It would only be a matter of time...

---

I was having a hard time keeping up with my cousin's pace, I had to stop for a minute and catch my breath. I stood, hunched over holding my hands down at my knees, trying not to inhale the ever present smoke. The words that the rescue man said still clinging in my ears, He saw Nick. I stood up though when I thought about the rest of his statement, Nick was lying on the ground, hurt. That stupid crazy son of a bitch, hurt my friend. That gave me the new found energy I needed to catch up to my cousin, When I did, he was standing there under a tall tree, squinting ahead. "Do you see him?" I asked when I finally got in voice range. My heart was in my throat from having to run so hard.

He turned my way, "No, I'm not sure which way they would've gone" He took a few steps to his left, and placing his hand to his forehead like a shield, he peered through the trees.

"Maybe we should split up" I heard myself say, thinking how stupid the suggestion really was, luckily Kevin agreed.

"Uh...no way in hell are we doing that. Right now all I want to do is worry about Nick. I don't need to worry about you being burned alive in these woods" He walked a few more steps to his left and stepping over a huge fallen tree, he motioned for me to follow him. "I think they went this way, come on and be careful I think the fire is right up ahead" I nodded as I carefully stepped over the trunk and moved forward.

A thick cloud of smoke hung in the air like a warm blanket making it harder to breath, Ash from burning trees were now collecting on my clothes and hair. Hot enough to singe but not burn. I pulled the collar of my shirt over my mouth to help. Kevin did the same. I looked around hoping to see some more fire fighters but to my dismay there were none to be found, unless they were hidden under the burnt leaves on the floor. Maybe Joe had left some more casualties along the way. I tried not to go to that grim place my brain was leading me, but I couldn't help it. When I looked at the ground, my brain saw Nick lying dead among a pile of firefighters. The word Mizpah spray painted along their backs.

"Over here Bri!" I looked up from my macabre mirage to see Kevin waving at me from about thirty yards away. "I found a clearing! Come on Bri, pick up the pace!" I ran towards him. He waited for me and together we walked towards the clearing

"I thought I saw a house up there but I could be mistaken" Kev said once again squinting to make his eyes turn into binoculars. "It is a house!" When Kevin said that, I felt exhilaration mixed with fear, "Maybe it's Joe's house" He turned my way, not a stitch of joy sewn on his face.

"I hope not" He said, I was about to yell at him, throw something, scream, but all that went away as he breathed the last statement, "Because it's on fire"

---

As Joe carried me inside, closing the door behind him I started to accept the inevitable. What more could I possibly do? I was a little put off that he went up the steps instead of venturing down them. "Where are we going Joe?" I whispered to him, he was talking to someone but not to me.

"I know...I will...please stop talking to me!" He was talking in a low whisper, like he didn't want me to eavesdrop on his one man conversation. I thought about struggling, trying one more time to break free of his grasp and run like hell. I knew it would be useless.

"Not now Mother! I am going as fast as I can. Please, can't you see I am going as fast as I can"

By the time we hit the top of the steps, there was a thin line of smoke making it's way through the house.

"Joe!" I whispered once again hoping to get his attention, he still ignored me, talking to the invisible demons that lurked in his head.

"I am a good boy Mom, see I told you I would and I am"

"You are what Joe?" I needed to know what he planned on doing to me, at this point, all I could hope for was a fast, clean and painless death. He still continued to ignore me as if I was just a bag of laundry being carried into a room and dumped into a washer. He continued down the hallway past Trish's old room. He walked the whole time muttering for his Mom and Dad to stop talking to him, "You know Joe, my Mom and Dad can be real pains too!" That made his eyes wander back to reality for a moment.

"Really?" He asked me, wanting to know more.

"Yes, definitely, my Mom could be so mean sometimes but you know what I would do?"

"What?"

"I would just ignore her, It drove her ins..I mean it made her mad! But that was just the reaction I was looking for. That's what I would do if I were you" He stopped walking for a minute, looking like I might have given him the best idea of his life. I continued hoping to build momentum, "I mean if she told me to go to bed I would purposely stay up until midnight. If she said to walk I would run..If she .."

"What if she said to kill? Then what would you do?" He glared at me, wanting me to give him an answer. Maybe he was looking for a way out of doing this, so I was going to sure as hell give it to him!

"If she told me to kill someone? I wouldn't do it! No way! I would tell her if she wanted the person dead so bad! She should do it herself"

"Hear that MOM!" He was screaming at his invisible Mother now, "Nick agrees!" He came to the room with the bright red door. He kicked open the door and once again brought me in. There were blankets strewn everywhere on the floor. He gently placed me down on one of them and sat next to me, looking and sounding almost normal. "My Mother thinks I should kill you" I sat up, with a little more ease this time. I had to try at all costs to change his mind, I have said this statement so many times over such trivial things, but this time I really meant it. My life depended on it.

"I think if you DID kill me, you would only be showing her that you are a weakling Joe. I know that you are a strong guy. Surely a strong guy like you can say NO to your MOM!" He gave me a scary menacing look. I refused to show him my fear.

He shifted his gaze to the floor, "You have NO idea what she is capable of"

"She can't hurt you Joe" I actually placed a consoling hand on his shoulder.

He jumped back. "Nick, she is evil. I am pure. It's not only my mother that thinks I should kill you, it's everyone. All the angels in heaven"

"Why?" My voice sounded a little shaky. I was disappointed in myself, I quickly cleared my throat and put on my stage face. It would possibly save my life this time.

"If I don't do it Nick, I will not fulfill my father's wishes. I have to sacrifice you in order to take my rightful place next to God my father"

"You said your mother is evil?"

"Yes, she is..was..is evil. Very. why?"

"What if God is using her to tempt you into making this bad decision, like Eve in Eden" Oh my God I hope I was getting my Bible stories right for once. "God put the fruit on the tree, but the devil told her to eat it" He seemed interested in this little tale I was spewing from my lips, "What if your Mom was really testing you for God. Maybe God wants you to do what is right, which is deciding NOT to kill" My words sped out of my mouth to equal my heart rate.

"Maybe, I don't know if.." He stopped midsentence looking like he spaced out a minute, battling something I don't think I would ever fully understand. "Oh, no Father." Uh-oh he was talking to God. Not a good sign, my eyes quickly scanned the room for anything I could use in case of an attack. They landed on a knife. It was hidden under a pile of newspapers, he probably used it to cut the strings binding the papers together.

"Yes, Father, I know" He looked over at me, all friendliness gone from his face, "I shall" He shifted and grabbed my arm, twisting it slightly.

I never took my eyes off of that knife. Never. "Joe, you are hurting me!"

"Why did you deceive me like that Nick?"

"What do you mean? Joe I wasn't honest!"

"You will be punished for this Nickolas" He pulled me closer to him. I shut my eyes temporarily hoping to remember a name, why is it when you need to remember something so important, it just won't come. I need the name! What was the name!

He pushed me down to the ground, I was still trying to remember the name. I had one last hope but I needed to remem...

"Joe! Jacob said to stop this!" I said it loud and clear, just as he was about to hit me with a baseball bat. He must have been hiding it behind him because I had NO idea he had it in his hands. He left the bat in the air as he looked at me. I kept one eye open and one eye closed wincing while anticipating the blow.

He slowly lowered the bat, "What did you say?"

"I said that Jacob told me you should not do this. It is a trick!"

He sat on his knees looking down at me, his tall figure gradually being shaded by the incoming smoke. "When did he tell you this?" He asked me in a childlike whisper. "Jacob?" He looked around the room.

I shimmied away from him gradually "He told me just now. He said that he loves you and doesn't want to see you hurt anybody else" I continued to gradually move away from him.

"He said ...he..he..loved me?" He seemed surprised.

I felt bad. I wonder if this is the kind of mental mind game that sent him over the edge in the first place. "Yes, he did Joe, he said he loved both you and Trish very much and the killing needs to stop!" He put the bat down on the ground. I continued to edge my way closer to the knife, hoping that I would not need it.

"What else did he say?" He asked me now a little smile creasing his lips, "Does he forgive me?"

"Yes he does"

"Really?"

"Yes"

"Jacob I am sorry" He began to cry. He placed his hands to his eyes and cried. I made it all the way back to the knife and was about to grab it when the fire alarms in the entire house went off. He looked up and saw me with knife in hand. "What are you doing?" He asked in an agitated voice, "Oh you are not nice Nick Carter! That was mean" He stood up and ran over to me.

"No Joe don't do this"

He wasn't listening to me anymore. He was humming Amazing Grace while he approached me slowly with baseball bat in hand. He swatted at me but I moved out of his reach, the next thing I knew I was up on my feet and going for the door, he grabbed me and pulled me down. We struggled, Joe holding the bat and me holding the knife. "This is God's will Nickolas!!!" He was screaming over the screeching fire alarm echoing throughout the house.

---

When we were close enough to the house, we both stopped and peered at it. The first thing I noticed were the lack of windows, "This has to be it" I said to an already running Kevin. We were both bolting with all our might towards the house that was now in flames...

We ran as fast as we could, stopping right in front of the place, the smoke and fire making it at least twenty degrees hotter than it actually was. Kevin looked over at me, as if to let me know how dangerous this was, like I wasn't already aware of it. I nodded and we ran up the three steps and attempted to open the front door. Of course it was gonna be locked or so we thought, that's why we were a little surprised that the knob turned with the simple twist of the handle. We entered into a cloud of smoke. I started coughing instantly.

"You okay?" Kevin asked me. I nodded, "Jesus" I looked over at what made Kevin's facial expression change from fear to horror.

I turned around and saw the padlock. "This is the place Kev, let's find Nick and get out of here!" He nodded, never fully taking his eyes away from the padlock on the door, once you came into this place, you were not meant to leave.

We walked into a kitchen area and saw a door broken down in the kitchen leading downstairs. "Do you think he's down there?" I asked Kevin who was bent over coughing.

"I don't know, Bri, but we don't have much time!" We headed down the stairs. When we got to the bottom I almost cried out in horror. The place was a complete mess. A bed turned over in the corner, looked like it had been thrown there, papers and wet towels were everywhere. Kevin walked over and bent down by the heap of towels, he grabbed one looked at it and then rubbed his temples. "There's blood on this Brian" He said bringing himself back to his feet.

"Where is he?" I asked in a panic, I ran into the bathroom area to see once again the place was in disarray, it smelled like Nick though, this whole room did. I walked back out ready to run upstairs to check that out, but stopped when I saw Kevin reading something. He seemed to forget that there was a fire in the house. That is how caught up in the moment he was.

"Kevin we need to go"

He looked up at me, I swear I saw tears in his eyes.

"What?" I asked a he walked towards me holding up this book, it looked familiar. I had seen it before.

"It's his journal" He whispered. I took it from him, refusing to look inside.

I placed it in the back of my jeans, "I'll give it to him when we get him out of here now COME ON!" I was a little scared, normally it would have been Kevin egging me on that way, not the other way around. I hoped he wasn't giving up.

We ran up the stairs and by now the smoke was thick and black, there were no flames as yet, I imagined the flames were upstairs, which is where Nick and Joe would be too, if they were home at all. We ran up back through the kitchen stepping over the door and up the steps...

---

Joe was on top of me, his weight making it very hard for me to breathe, add to that the smoke that was coming in from under the door. The heat of the room made me realize that outside of this hell, there was an even hotter one.

"Joe, please get off please" I said as he brought down the bat again only missing my head by inches, I had a grip on his arms now, in the process, I dropped the knife. He saw it drop and smiled.

"See Nick I told you this was meant to be" I was able to loosen myself from under him enough to kick out my legs and roll him over.

He grumbled when our positions switched but unfortunately it didn't last long, He flung me off of him and I was thrown into the very hot door. "Shit!" I yelped but before I could get my bearings he was on me again.

"This is how it should be Nick! Stop fighting" I was struggling to break free. Twisting my body around, I grabbed for one of the bundles of newspapers and hit him with my full strength, at least what was left of it. I hit him right in the face, and he fell back. I stood up and quickly ran for the door but he grabbed my right leg making me fall to the ground, I got a hold of what I needed though, the knife.

He pulled me towards him and as he did I said a little silent apology to God for what I was about to do. He pulled me closer and closer to him all the while ranting things from the Bible, "I saw the dead, the great and the lowly standing before the throne", pulling me closer and closer to him while I braced myself holding the knife in my hands.

"The dead were judged according to their conduct" I kicked at him temporarily freeing my leg form his grasp. "Then death and the netherworld were hurled into the pool of fire" He grabbed me again this time getting a very firm grasp on me. I had no choice now, I had to strike. "Which is the second death" Now he was on top of me, I held the knife in my hand and went for his heart. He grabbed it by the blade, "Anyone whose name was not found in the book was hurled into the fire" My breath was heavy and my pulse racing as he held the knife, blood coming from his hands, I was powerless to do anything now, just hold on to it with all of my might. He managed to turn the knife around, almost twisting it out of my hands, it was now heading for my chest. He laughed and yelled MIZPAH NICK!!! While I tried my hardest to prevent him from hitting my heart.

---

The steps were creaking as we slowed to a careful walk. Flames were now visible at the top. This whole place would be coming down soon, I was sure of that. When we got to the top we saw pictures all in flames as well as several rooms, "Where do we go first?" I asked my cousin as I closed my eyes to help ease the burning sensation.

"I have no idea, why don't we go door to door" He said as we kicked open the first door, it was totally smoky but not on full fledged fire yet. Not having any windows might have helped keep the fire from burning out of control. Kevin was just about to kick down door number two when we both stopped. We looked at each other and listened. Neither of us said anything just waiting to be sure.

"MIZPAH NICK!!" We jumped at Joe's voice booming through the creaking and crackling fire.

We pinpointed the door we heard him coming through and without any hesitation, Kevin kicked it down. Ignoring the flames that were all around him. We ran into the room and stopped. We just stopped as if time stood still, horrified. A vision that would come to haunt me for many nights to come creeping up on me like the worst nightmare one could ever have. This wasn't a nightmare though, this was reality. And the reality we were both facing was grim. Nick lying on the floor covered in blood, unconscious? Dead? He looked peaceful. Joe's back was to us so we couldn't see him but he was holding a knife in his hand, it was bloody. So was his hand, it looked like he was wearing a red glove. He was peering over Nick.

"I know you are here" He said without even bothering to look. We walked, no ran over to Nick, As we got closer my hands started to shake, please don't let him be dead please don't let him be dead. I chanted over and over again. I dropped to my knees next to my fallen brother, the boy who less than a year ago, I had never wanted to speak to again. I cried when I got a look at him up close, I placed my hand on his chest and was happy to see he was breathing. Kevin and I just sat there next to Nick, not caring about Joe, forgetting he was a homicidal maniac.

"He will be okay" Joe whispered through harsh breaths, I looked up and noticed all the blood that was on Nick belonged to Joe, he was holding his chest with his left hand. "You need to get him out of here" Joe said.

Kevin stood up and grabbed Nick and gingerly put him over his shoulder. "Come on buddy let's get you out of here"

I followed after, "Joe the police will be here any minute" I had to turn around and ask him, "Why?"

He turned to me blood dripping through his arms, "Because it was God's will" He then laid down on the floor.

"Come on Brian let the son of a bitch burn!" Kevin said as he ushered me out of the room, Joe just lying there with his eyes closed. Dead.

The floor boards from the attic above us were starting to collapse and we found ourselves dodging them to make our way out of there, the steps where even more wobbly this time and collapsed the second we were down. He flew out of the house and when we were a safe distance away, Kevin placed Nick down on the ground. I grabbed his hand and just talked to him lovingly, through tears. It would be a long time before we all got over this. A long time.

Nick's eyes flew open and he started to try to break from my grasp. "It's okay buddy it's me Brian"

"Brian?" He said in disbelief. Kevin had joined him on the other side, he looked from me to Kevin and then just started to bawl. Kevin picked him up and held him in an embrace. Police and fire engine sirens racing towards us in the background.

For at least a month, I felt like I was dreaming. It all seemed so strange to me, little things like birds chirping, or the humming of a fan on a hot July afternoon, sounded different somehow. After Kevin and Brian rescued me from my hell, I had quite a long stay in the hospital. Nothing majorly serious, just a few broken ribs here and there and a badly sprained ankle and wrist. It was my mental well being they were worried about. I was too!

My family and the guys never left my side the entire time I was in the hospital, taking turns spending the night, playing cards and telling stories. Brian walked up to me, shortly after I was admitted, and gave me Julia. I hugged her like an old friend. They didn't understand why I wouldn't want to throw it away, burn it, or fling it out a window. I couldn't. The two of us had been through too much.

Press were all over me wanting to know my side of the story, even going so far to pitch a made for TV movie about the whole thing. I just wanted to forget. I'll never forget though, everytime I close my eyes, I see him standing over me with that knife coming down close to my chest. I see myself twist it out of his hands and thrust it into his chest. He smiled when I did that, like I was doing him a big favor. Maybe I did.

I also find that I jump very easily these days, at the smallest sound, I jump to my feet ready to run, I don't feel safe anymore, I never will. I haven't been by myself since I have been back in the real world. Tonight is Kevin's turn to babysit. I'm not complaining though, I need the company. I bought myself a nightlight and a very expensive security system. Plus you add my guard dogs and I should be okay. Besides, Joe is dead right? He can't get me. He is dead and Trish will be in jail for the rest of her life.

Trish, I actually found myself wondering how she took her brother's death. I bet she was sad but also relieved. I wish I knew what her deal was; well I guess it doesn't matter. What's done is done. I try not to fret about things too much, funny what a near death experience can do to somebody.

Something I do often now, is journal. I write in Julia everyday, even if it just a couple of words. It is so important to write your thoughts and feelings because you never know.

You never know..

I am pulled from my thoughts by Kevin who has come to sit by my side. This thing has made us incredibly close. I guess you never realize what you have until it's gone. Almost gone.

"Hey kiddo, are you doing okay?"

I look over and him and smile, for the first time confident in the answer, stronger and more sure than ever. "Yeah, I will be just fine"

---

God said: "Let us make man in our image, after our likeness, let them have dominion over the fish, the sea and all living creatures. That means you Nick. I shall have total dominion over you.

Peering in through the window watching Nick and Kevin sitting there enjoying each other's company all Joe could do was smile.

On the third day he rose again and was seated at the right hand of the father

As he walked away slowly and carefully as to not set off the alarms that he watched security install, he taped a note on the house under the window, by the time it would be found he would be long gone. It was short and sweet.

My Dearest Nick,

Mizpah

Joe