Chapter 1: Suffering


The evening sky was an aray of colors; blues, purples, oranges, reds. It was all of the beauty that shone in the sky as the sun made its marvelous exit from the world, sinking beneath the horizon until it arose again the very next day. It was the type of sunset that would warm your heart and freeze a moment in time if you stood outside watching it, enveloping the one you loved in your arms. But for one lonely man, standing alone on a stone bridge and overlooking the mass of water before him, the splendid beauty of his surroundings brought him no happiness.

Instead, it brought pain.

Intense pain.

For he had noone to hold in his arms at the moment, noone to just stand there and share the moment with. His heart was so shattered into tiny shards, that it was beyond repair. No super glue could mend his broken heart and make the pain go away. He knew the pain would be there for all enternity.

Helplessness had long ago taken over his body when he knew there was nothing he could do to fix what had happened, emptiness consumed all of his being, leaving him with a void he couldn't fill.

With all he could see and understand, his world was shattered. He couldn't see anything as what it used to be. It was all just a bunch of rubble, the piles of aftermath from all the mistakes he had ever made in his life so far. As much as he knew, he, himself, no longer existed. He wasn't who he used to be and he hadn't been for a long time. He'd finally given up hope on ever returning to the person he had been long ago.

That was why he had gone to the bridge. Finding the opportunity to finally get away for a while, alone, he took it and ran. When he first started running, he hadn't planned on ending up at the bridge; he didn't have any idea where he was heading. All he knew was he was running and heading towards his own destruction, and to him, 'his own destruction' seemed like an appealing phrase.

Now he sat atop the stone railing, sitting at an angle with one knee drawn up to his chest and an arm dangling over the pointed knee. His usually soulful eyes were clouded over with pain, sadness, regret, confusion, anger, fear and anything else his tired mind could come up with that would eat away at him.

He didn't know what to do anymore, nothing made sense.

It was as if his end had come.

And maybe that's what had led him to the bridge.

In some sick sense, he felt there was nothing left to do but to end it all, end all of his pain and suffering he felt deep inside. All were feelings that nobody knew about but himself. He'd been able to hide it well from everyone, hiding it behind a fake mask of happiness that he had learned to polish over the years when times got tough. This was defenitely one of those times.

A small breeze whizzed by his tanned skin and something unknown caused him to force his gaze to travel downward, gazing upon a bed of jagged rocks penetrating the shallow water's surface below. His stomach suddenly twisted into a pile of tight knots and he unconciously gripped the stone railing with his free hand to keep his balance. He involuntarily shivered as he conciously realized to the full extent for the first time about how high up he was.

Seconds later, his whole body was shaking as beads of perspiration formed along the hairline on his forehead. Surely he was losing his sanity, or more correctly, he had already lost it. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, then opened them and looked down again.

What if he let go of his grip on the railing...

Then leaned a little bit forward...

'Oh God, help me!' his mind cried out helplessly as a small whimper escaped his lips. His squeezed his eyes shut, his stomach twisting harder, causing him to become queazy to an extreme extent. His mind was reeling over the thought of what he had just been thinking of doing, and he knew how weak he was.

"Help me God, please..." he whispered, almost begging to the higher being above. The small plea that spewed from his lips made it seem like there was still a tiny bit of hope left, something he hadn't felt in a long time. He wanted an answer, he needed an answer because he was suddenly so afraid of what he knew he would do.

"Excuse me?"

He whipped around at the sound of the new voice, but in the process, lost his balance all together and slipped off the railing. His hands grasped at the air, but he was clutching at nothing, until...

Before he could fall completely, a strong hand grabbed ahold of his shirt, pulling him back onto the railing. With the angle he had been pulled back up with, he hit the stone railing with his chest and felt the air get knocked out of him for a minute. He rested there for a moment, trying to catch his breath and gather the courage to look up.

"Are you ok?" the voice asked, it's tone gentle and filled with concern that he had missed hearing for quite some time.

He looked up and found himself staring into a pair of crystal clear blue eyes, ones that, to him, seemed to shine through the on-coming darkness of the evening hours. "I, uh...y-yeah," he stuttered, using his shaking arms to hoist himself over the railing. He planted his feet on solid ground again.

"What do you think you were doing getting so close to the edge lke that? Are you crazy!?"

'If you only knew' was the thought that came to his mind.

"Do you realize what would have happened if you would have actually fallen?"

'Yes' his mind answered, but a lie came out of his mouth instead. "No," he replied weakly, leaning against the stone to regain his lost balance. He hid his face by foolishly resting it in the cup of his shaking hands.

"Are you sure you're ok?"

"Yes," he continued to lie, trying to convince this stranger something he couldn't even convince himself of because he knew it wasn't true.

"I guess I'll be leaving now."

He paused and stood up straight. "Wait, could you stay? I think I'd really like some company right now."

The stranger shrugged, an angelic smile curling her lips as she nodded and leaned on the railing. "Sure."

'Thank you' he prayed silently towards the sky, wondering if this stranger was actually the answer to his crying prayer for help. He felt the relief course through his body, knowing he wasn't alone anymore at the moment. He didn't want to be alone anymore, he didn't trust himself enough, and he didn't know if he ever would again.

"Nice sunset, huh?" she asked, her eyes trained on the aray of colors that were now beginning to fade as night took over. "God sure has a way with that paint brush of his..."

"Yeah..." He tried to smile. Not wanting to bring any attention on him, he spoke up again. "What brings you out here tonight?"

"Me?" she asked as if he hadn't been speaking to her, and he nodded. "Oh, it was just a bad day today...and taking a walk calms me."

Her explanation was simple and it seemed as if she were holding something back. "Is something wrong?"

She let out a small, uncertain laugh. "It's nothing important, not something I'll bother you with." She locked her gaze with his and stared deep into the abyss of his dark orbs, almost searching. "Are you alright? You looked distressed when I first saw you."

"Nah, I just had a bad day today too," he answered, speaking half the truth. "So I decided to take a walk and ended up here on this bridge."

"Good choice, it's a perfect place to watch the sunset. Though you don't want to get too close to the edge."

"Yeah, I realized that." He gave a nervous laugh as he rested his elbows on the railing. "Thanks for saving me."

"It looked like I caused you to fall."

"But you caught me."

"Yeah."

Silence passed over the two of them for the next few minutes as they both stared at the darkening sky, watching as dozens of stars began to appear. Than he gathered the courage to ask the question that he had never had trouble asking before. "Would you mind if I asked you for your name?"

"It's Jameelah," she replied, smiling.

"Jameelah?" he asked.

"It's Arabic."

"It's a beautiful name."

Jameelah blushed. "Thank you."

For the first time that night, he was actually able to smile. Than he turned back to look at the water as Jameelah continued to look at.

"Are you going to tell me your name?" she asked with an impish smile.

He paused at her question, unsure if he should answer. Could he trust telling her his name since it was obvious that she hadn't recognized him already? Or did he want to give her a fake identity, which was something he often did when a person he met didn't recognize him. Though, within the past few years, that didn't happen very often.

"Do you always ask for someone's name and then not tell your's in return?" she pressed.

"It's...Alex," he blurted, his gaze once again meeting up with her's. That's when he saw it; a spark of recognition lit up in her eyes. He winced, expecting a shriek of some sort to escape her lips, but it never came. Instead, her smile broadened a bit.

"I thought you looked familiar," Jameelah told him, her look conveying the fact that she wouldn't go psyco because of who he was. "But I thought you went by the name of AJ...?"

"Yeah, that's what everyone usually calls me," AJ shrugged, unconciously chewing on his bottom lip.

"Well, I like the name Alex."

"Then, that's what you can call me."

"Alright," Jameelah smiled as she raised her wrist to steal a glance at her watch. Her eyes opened wide and she looked up at AJ with an apologetic look. "I'm sorry, but I have to go. I told my roommate that I would be back within an hour and that was nearly an hour and fifteen minutes ago."

"Maybe I'll see you around?" AJ asked, knowing it was a long shot as he tried to hint something.

Jameelah stopped from turning around. She reached into her jacket pocket and luckily pulled out a small piece of paper and a pen. She scribbled something down and handed it to AJ. "Call me sometime...I'd really like to talk to you again. It was nice meeting you."

"The feeling is mutual," AJ answered, looking down at the paper, then back up at Jameelah.

Jameelah began to walk away, but she wasn't hesitant to call back over her shoulder, "Just keep smiling Alex. All bad days do come to an end." Then she dissappeared into the distant dark of the night.

'And because of you, my bad day didn't come to an end the wrong way' AJ thought as he looked back down at the jagged rocks below. He shivered at the sight and shook his head, feeling ashamed. With that thought out of his mind, AJ stuck his hands in his pockets and headed back to the hotel.

He would call her as soon as he got there.

Chapter 2: Feelings

He couldn't stop thinking about her as he made his way back to the hotel. Walking along the streets, he was surprised to find that they were nearly deserted. People were seeming to turn in early that night, which surprised him even more. The absence of any noise particulary seemed to place an extra layer of guilt on his chest since he had nothing else to occupy his thoughts.

His mind wandered.

Swirling thoughts of stupidity mushed his brain and he realized for the first time that night that he was developing a headache. The cool breeze nipped at his ears as he thought back to only moments before. He thought he had been so ready to end everything; he thought he had wanted to end everything. But someone above had heard his cry for help and she just happened to come walking along.

For this, he was thankful.

He knew if she wouldn't have come along, he would no longer be breathing at that moment. He might not have done it right that second, but sometime afterward, he would have and that scared him more than ever.

'I've lost it' he thought, 'I've totally lost it'.

He couldn't believe that he had almost pushed himself to attempt the unimaginable. Just the thought of ever attempting such a thing used to seem so repulsive to him and he looked down on anyone whoever tried, whether they succeeded or not. But there he had been that very night, letting the weakness inside of him take over. He knew what he was...

A coward.

He knew that only a coward would stoop so low as to try to take their own life, and that's exactly what he had done. But much to his luck and sudden feeling of relief, the right person came along at the right time, keeping him from causing himself any harm.

He didn't know what it was about her, but there was something mysterious that had caught his attention the first time he had her speak. Her voice floated gently from her lips, as if it were no task for her to speak and she pulled him up with such graceness that he was amazed.

The way she had approached him seemed much different then others. When fans, for example, came up to him, there would be a nine out of ten chance that he would hear nothing but screams ringing in his ears, even after they had walked away. That wasn't they way it was with her. She spoke to him, and when she found out who he was, she didn't have a spaz attack. She remained normal, and she treated him normal. Which made him feel better more then he realized at the moment.

But she had done something else...

She had saved him.

Saved him from his own personal destruction.

Preventing him from the wrong fate going into play.

By the time he arrived back at the hotel, he was shivering from the lack of coverage he had on his arms and his developing headache had developed straight into a full blown migraine. He felt ready to fall over and pass out. He knew he deserved this punishment though.

The lobby inside was deserted just as much as the streets outside and he had no trouble making his way across the brick-colored tile floor. He was happy for that much because he didn't think he would be able to handle any encounters at that time. All he wanted to do at that moment was take a shower and go to bed. He just wanted to forget about that night.

And he was making it to his room in record time it seemed. The elevator was already waiting at thelobby floor when he reached it and it took only a mere thirty seconds to reach his designated floor, the fourth. With a loud 'ding' that only caused his head to pound, he was able to step out of the elevator and continue on his way, walking down the completely deserted hall towards his room.

He had almost made it, completely undisturbed the whole time, until...

"AJ!"

He paused in front of his door, letting loose of a silent groan.

"AJ!"

To say the voice was a bit angry would be an understatement and he shivered at the thought of the look on the owner's face. But he braced himself for the confrontation. He had been through it many times in the past and he knew what was in store for him.

"Where the Hell have you been?!" Kevin hissed, marching straight over to where AJ stood stalk still. AJ kept his back facing his older bandmate, only pushing Kevin's button harder. The older man reached out a hand and spun AJ around. "Look at me when I'm speaking to you!"

AJ was shocked at the amount of anger his friend was expressing. A look of pure and utter evil crossed his bandmate's eyes and made AJ want to shrink back in fear, but he had had enough of being a coward for one night. Instead, he held up his strong front and with the same look of evil, he pushed Kevin's hand away. "Back off damnit!"

Having enough respect to not push his friend, Kevin stepped backwards a foot, creating enough space between him and AJ. "Where the Hell have you been?" he repeated, his teeth gritted in added effect. His emerald eyes were ablaze with a fire that was lit by his anger.

"I was out," AJ answered shortly.

"No shit!" Kevin swore.

AJ winced as the obscenity left his friend's mouth. Only on rare occasions did Kevin ever swear so harshly, and AJ knew this must be one of them. Kevin was extremely angry.

He opened his mouth to reply, but Kevin was quick to cut him off.

"What makes you think you can just up and run off whenever you want without telling anyone?! Do you even realize how worried you had all of us when we couldn't find you?! When are you going to grow up and stop acting so irresponsible?! Even Nick acts more responsible then you sometimes! I expect more from you AJ!"

Kevin was really going off this time. AJ could only think of one other time Kevin had yelled at him this badly. It had been when Kevin and Howie had gone bar hopping one night, leaving AJ, Brian, and Nick back at the hotel. Brian had crashed early that night because he was suffering from a nasty case of a cold and needed as much rest as he could so he could recover from the cold before their next performance two days later. Nick had come sulking over to AJ's room complaining that he was bored and Brian had kicked him out because he was making too much noise and Brian couldn't sleep. The two of them were chilling and playing a bit of nintendo when AJ pulled out a bottle of vodka he had smuggled in earlier that day without anyone's knowledge. He then challenged Nick to a shot drinking contest, and since Nick was way under age for legal drinking, he had been all for the idea. Before AJ knew what was happening, Nick was finishing off the last of the bottle and could barely stand on his own two feet, let alone walk around. Not even a minute later, Howie and Kevin came walking through the door (AJ and Howie were sharing a room at the time) and saw Nick completely drunk. Not only was Kevin pissed about the fact that AJ had snuck alcohol into the hotel and that he, too, was underage, Kevin completely went off, yelling at AJ about how irresponsible he was to let Nick drink and that he should know better to set a good example for young Nickolas. If things weren't bad enough from Kevin's verbal beating, when he helped Nick off the floor to take him to Brian's room, the contents of Nick's stomach came spewing out of his mouth all over Kevin's face and the front of his shirt. The next day, AJ was grounded to his hotel room and Kevin had personally paid AJ's body guard to stand outside the door so AJ couldn't leave.

Since that time, Kevin and AJ had their share of arguements, but none of them had ever amounted to being as bad as that one that night. So AJ was completely shocked tonight when Kevin started going off. It was like replaying that night any years again with the only difference being that Nick wasn't rolling around on the floor giggling madly like a school girl because he was completely drunk.

"Damnit AJ, we were worried sick because you just dissappeared without letting us know where you were going! What the Hell is wrong with you?! You're beginning to go back to the way you were before you went into rehab!"

AJ felt that comment stab his heart and he almost thought his face was stinging from the verbal slap. Kevin really had some nerve to be saying that to him. He forced his hands to ball into fists and held them tightly at his sides to prevent himself swinging at Kevin's head.

"Are you even listening to a word I'm saying?!"

The temperature in his face was continually rising and he'd had enough. He didn't need this right now, so he quickly slipped his key card into the slot, keeping his hand on the door handle. Shooting Kevin an icy glare, he gritted, "Feel lucky that I even came back!" Without giving Kevin a chance to reply, he walked into his room and slammed the door shut.

Walking into the dark room, he didn't bother turning on any lights and he slammed down on the unmade bed. Laying there on his back, he stared up at the ceiling that he could barely make out through the dark and the tears slowly began to fall down his cheeks he was in a silently crying fit. His chest rose unevenly as his body shuttered from every sob.

He didn't understand how he could screw up so much. It seemed like he was always screwing something up, even during his early youth. Then to be dubbed as the "bad boy" or "rebel" of the group was like mockery and it only seemed to give him worse bad luck with things going wrong.

Then when he did do something wrong, people were never slow to jump on his case about it to tell him how irresponsible he was, as if he were the only person in the world who wasn't perfect. That was exactly what he was.

Not perfect.

He knew Kevin didn't realize it, and he wouldn't let him know, but the fact that he had yelled so harshly towards him had really hurt. 'If he would have known the real reason why I had run off, he wouldn't have acted like that...' AJ thought as he gasped for breath, trying to stop his tears. He knew he needed to calm down and he knew Kevin had only been that angry because he was really worried about AJ's safety.

Now he was beginning to feel like a pest.

All he was, or so he thought, was a bother to the people around him. His bandmates were always having to worry about their "bad boy rebel brother', his mother, though she tried not to show it most of the time because he was an adult, was always worried about her son. They were always so worried and had so many expectations they wanted him to live up to, that all he felt like was a big failure.

After several more minutes of laying sprawled out on his back, he was able to get his tears to cease and he rubbed exhaustedly at his eyes. He was back to feeling horrible like before and now his head felt like it was going to explode. His migraine just wasn't making the situation better for him.

He reached into his pocket for the small set of keys that had his suitcase lock key on it and felt a small crumbled piece of paper. After pulling it out, he reached over and turned on the light that was on the nightstand next to his bed, and umcrumbled the paper. He recognized the bright pink scrawl as Jameelah's number and remembered how she had given it to him before she had walked away.

Without hesitation, AJ reached for his cellphone on the nightstand and quickly dialed the number. He needed to talk to this girl again. If she had been able to so easily make him feel better earlier, then he needed her to do the same thing again right now.

One ring...

Two rings...

On the third ring, and just as he was giving up hope on someone answering on the other end, he heard a click and held in his breath. Instead of being met with Jameelah's voice, a completely different voice answered.

"Hello?"

AJ's voice caught in his throat. Had he some how misdialed the number?

"Hello?"

AJ shook his head and cleared his throat. "Can I speak to Jameelah?" his asked, his voice coming out more raspy then usual.

"May I ask who's calling?"

"Alex."

"Hold on," the voice answered. AJ could hear her calling in the background, "Jaymee! There's an Alex on the phone for you!"

Than he heard Jameelah's voice answer. "Alex?!"

"That's what he said!"

The next thing AJ heard was the phone being shuffled. "Alex?"

"Um...hi," AJ answered and immediately slapped his forehead at his lame reply. He majorly regretted that afterward when his head argued back to the beating with more pounding.

"Why are you calling?" Jameelah asked, walking away from her roommate into a different room. She shut the door.

"You gave me your number...was I not supposed to call?" AJ hesitated.

"No, no, no...I didn't mean it like that," Jameelah immediately answered, almost cutting AJ off. "I'm just surprised you called so quickly. I mean, I just saw you not even an hour ago."

"I'm sorry, I was just a bit bored and lonely at the same time," AJ lied, sitting up on the bed and resting his back against the wall. "I just really wanted someone to talk to."

"And I was the first one you thought of?"

"Kinda..." AJ bit down on his bottom lip. "If you don't want to talk, that's fine. I don't want to bother you."

"No, it's alright. I don't mind talking."

AJ had an idea. "Well, one of the reasons why I was calling was because tomorrow is a free day for me and I was wondering if...you'd like to spend it with me?"

There was a long pause on Jameelah's end.

"Hello? Jaymee, are you still there?"

Jameelah let out a laugh. "Jaymee?"

"The girl who answered the phone called you Jaymee. If you don't want me to call you that, I won't."

"That would be my roommate Jenny. And yes, you can call me Jaymee."

AJ grinned. "So, will you take me up on my offer? I know we only met today, but I would really like to have your company tomorrow."

"Well, you're lucky Alex. I don't work tomorrow, so yes...I think I will take you up on your offer."

"Awesome. Would you mind meeting up at the hotel I'm staying at?"

"Sure. Where ya staying?"

AJ quickly relayed directions to the hotel him and the guys were staying at before he heard pounding on his door. He prayed to God that it wasn't Kevin. "So I'll see you tomorrow morning around ten?" he asked quickly as he stood up from the bed and started heading towards the door where the pounding was still persisting.

"Yep, I'll be there."

"Alright, see ya then. Sleep well Jaymee."

"You too Alex."

After he had succssfully hung up the phone with Jameelah, he stuffed it in his pants pocket and swung the door open. As an answer to his prayer, it wasn't Kevin standing at the door, it was Howie. AJ sighed in relief.

"So I heard Kev really ripped you a new one, huh?" Howie greeted as he walked into AJ's room.

AJ shut the door and walked over to his bed, plopping down again. "It ain't nothing new," he mumbled, placing his hands behind his head. He then shut his eyes, letting out a breath of air.

"He was just worried Aje," Howie answered, offering his friend a sympathetic look. "We all were. I mean, you just up and left without a word. That's not like you anymore."

"I needed some time by myself."

"Would it have been hard to at least tell someone where you were going?"

"Yes, and I didn't know where I was going anyways."

"Smartass," Howie snickered with a grin. "Anyways, I just wanted to come by to make sure you were ok. I'll see you in the morning."

"Yeah, 'night D."

Chapter 3: Cover for Me

Sleep had not come easily to AJ that night. After Howie had left his room, AJ continued to lay there on his bed, his mind wandering back to what he had nearly done. It was something he knew he would dwell on for quite sometime. But after several hours of constant tossing and turning, he was able to push himself into a restless slumber.

The sleep he had achieved in getting had done him no good though. When he woke up at 9:30 drenched in a cold sweat and stumbled into the bathroom for a shower, his mirrored reflection showed that he had developed awefully dark bags under his eyes, and his migraine hadn't let up yet. He debated going back to bed until he remembered that Jameelah was supposed to arrive with in a half an hour.

Though, he was relieved to find that his shower set him into a state of relaxation as the scalding water sprayed down upon his body, and as he lathered the soap onto his skin, he was able to imagine that he was washing away all of his worries. For that small amount of time, AJ felt like he was in pure bliss.

By the time he had finished with his shower, gotten dressed, brushed his teeth, and swiped a comb through his short, spiked hair, the clock read five minutes till ten. He had just enough time to sit down and relax before Jameelah was due to arrive.

That's what he now found himself doing. His back was propped against the hard wall as he sat admist the tangled sheets and comforter on the bed, which he had once again failed to make. 'Leave it to the hotel maids' he always thought.

He reached for the remote and switched the television on. Loud clapping and cheering rang through the cheap television and AJ recognized the show as being a re-run episode of the "Jerry Springer Show". He tossed the remote to the sheets and crossed his arms over his chest, keeping his eyes trained on the screen.

'Wonder what the topic is today...'

As if on cue, the camera zoomed in on Jerry just as the audience's clapping and cheering died down. "Welcome back," he began, holding the microphone up to his mouth. "For those of you who are just joining us, today's topic is 'My sister is sleeping with our brother', and my next guest is..."

AJ zoned out right about then, rolling his eyes. That show really was a bunch of crap. It was all fake, and every episode had the most rediculous topics AJ had ever heard of. 'Amazing Love Triangles','Love Within The family','Secrets Revealed'...just to name a few. So stupid...

He stole a quick glance at the clock on the nightstand.
Five minutes till ten.

Than...

AJ nearly jumped into the air as he heard the shrill ringing of the phone right next to him. At first he thought it was his cell phone ringing, but his cell was all the way on the other side of the room and the ringing tone was different then this one. It took him a second, but he finally realized that it was the phone on the nightstand. He reached over and picked it up.

"Hello?"

"Mr. McLean, this is the 'Check-In' counter down in the lobby and there is a Ms. Jameelah Smithson saying she is here to see you."

'Shit, I didn't tell her my room number last night' AJ mentally scolded himself. "Could you send her up?"

"Yes sir."

AJ placed the phone back on it's reciever and stood up from the bed, stretching. He knew he had less then a minute before Jameelah reached his room and he needed to let someone know that he would be leaving for most of the day. He was about to walk out of his room and head next door to Howie's room since it was located right next to his, but Howie came pounding on the door before AJ could even open it.

"Morning bro!" Howie greeted cheerfully as soon as AJ opened the door.

AJ raised an eyebrow; he never had come to an understanding why his shorter best friend could always be so cheery early in the morning. He shrugged the thought off and replied, "I was just coming to see you."

"Well, I came over to make sure you were awake. We have to be at the meeting in fifteen min-"

"Meeting?!" AJ's eyes grew wide as he racked his brain, trying to think of any meeting him and the guys were supposed to go to today. He came up with none. "What meeting?!"

"The meeting with management," Howie answered, looking at AJ oddly. "You seriously don't know about the meeting?"

"No."

"Kev didn't tell you?"

"No, I guess he was too busy yelling at me to bother letting me know about it," AJ grumbled. 'Great, just great... now what am I going to do?' he thought, his eyes setting into a glare. Then he got an idea. "Listen D, I need a favor."

"Why do I have a feeling I'm not going to like this?" Howie groaned, rolling his eyes.

"Shut up," AJ glared harded. "I need you to help me. I made plans yesterday to go out with Jaymee today-"

"Who's Jaymee?" Howie immediately questioned.

"I'll tell you later," AJ told him. "There's no way I'm breaking my plans with her, so I need you to cover for me at the meeting."

"You want me to be two people at one time?" Howie asked dumbly.

"No stupid, stop acting like Nick!"

"Whatever. You know Kev will be pissed if you miss the meeting."

"That's too damn bad. He should have told me about it last night. So, will you help me?"

Howie sighed. "Fine...what do you need me to do?"

"Um..." AJ bit down on his bottom lip as he looked down the hall. Jameelah would be walking down any second. "Just tell them that you came to get me and I was...sick in bed...with the flu."

"Gee Aje, how long did it take you to come up with that one?" Howie smirked.

"If you can come up with a better lie then be my guest."

"And you say I act like Nick..."

"And whatever you do, don't let Kevin or Nick near my room. Aight?"

"Why?"

"For one, Nick can't keep a secret. He'll blurt it out to Kevin or in front of him; and two, if Kev finds out I skipped the meeting to go out with some girl, he'll probably actually attempt to kick my ass this time and I don't feel like dealing with the evil wrath of Lord Richardson again."

"Man, if he heard you say that..."

"And you better not tell him either, or you're going to be in some deep shi-"

"Alex?"

AJ froze as he heard the shy voice call out to him from a ways down the hall. He turned in that direction and saw Jameelah walking towards them in a hesitated manner, her face showing a look as she felt she were intruding. "Jaymee! Hey!"

"Hi," Jaymee replied shyly, walking up to AJ and Howie. She gave a nervous look towards Howie, then looked to AJ. She bit down on her bottom lip. "Am I interrupting?"

"No, not at all," AJ answered, sticking his hands in his pockets. "Jaymee, this is Howie. Howie, this is Jameelah...or Jaymee."

"Most of my friends call me Jaymee..." Jameelah added quietly as Howie took her hand and kissed it.

"It's nice to meet you Jaymee."

"The feeling is mutual Howie."

AJ rolled his eyes. "Anyways, I was just telling Howie to let the guys know that I won't be making it to the meeting with management today."

"You have a meeting?" Jameelah asked, her face masking confusion. "I thought you said you had the day off?"

"That's what I thought, but it seems that Kevin forgot to let me know that there was a meeting, but don't worry about. It's not that big of a deal."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, D's gonna tell them I'm stuck in bed sick with the flu."

"And that's gonna work?"

"Probably not..." AJ muttered, shrugging. "But I don't care. I'd rather hang out with you at the moment then go to some meeting."

"That's sweet," Jameelah smiled.

"Aje, if you're gonna leave, then you better leave now. Kev is most likely gonna come up here to make sure I got you up," Howie spoke up, clearing his throat.

"Right...you have a car Jaymee?"AJ asked.

"Yeah, how else would I get here?" Jameelah teased.

"Walk?" AJ shrugged. "Let's go." He took hold of her hand, unconciously intertwining his fingers with her's, and started heading down the hall towards the elevator at the end. "Remember D, cover for me!"

"I will..." Howie mumbled, sighing. He knew he was getting himself in deep for lying for AJ. If Kevin found out that he was covering for AJ, he too, would have to suffer the evil wrath of 'Lord Richardson' as AJ always put it.

Just as AJ and Jameelah stepped into the elevator, the other elevator at the opposite end of the hall 'ding'ed and the door opened.

Kevin stepped out.

Chapter 4: A Stroll in the Park

Howie's heart beat quicked as he watched Kevin walk towards him. He bit down on his bottom lip as Kevin took each step closer to him, making him even more nervous. He wondered if Kevin had seen AJ and Jameelah step into the other elevator... He crossed off that possibility because if Kevin had seen them, then he would have yelled AJ's name to stop or he would have went after them. Instead, Kevin was walking casually down the hall, a polite look on his face.

"Hey D!" Kevin greeted, coming up to his much shorter friend.

"Um, hey Kev!" Howie greeted back, trying to act as normal as possible. "What's up?"

"I was just coming up here to see if you'd made sure that AJ was up."

"Who?"

"AJ."

"AJ?"

"Yes, that's what I said," Kevin answered, narrowing his eyes at his friend. Howie gulped, already feeling like Kevin knew something was up. "So, is he?"

"Oh, uh...well, uh...there's a problem," Howie stuttered, clearing his throat as he stood in Kevin's way of AJ's door. He tried to keep his eyes focusing on Kevin's, other wise it would be a dead give-away that he was hiding something. Howie had never been the best liar of the group.

"Problem?" Kevin asked.

"Yeah, I went in there to wake him up and, urgh, it was bad."

"Would you mind enlightening me about what was bad?"

"Aje is really sick."

"What do you mean by 'really sick'?" Kevin glared, staring the shorter man down.

Howie gulped again, trying to hide his nervousness. "He was in the bathroom puking his brains out. The poor guy has a really high fever and now he can't even get out of bed. I'm tellin' ya Kev, he's really sick!"

Moments of silence followed as Kevin proceeded to read Howie's eyes.

'Oh great...he doesn't believe it...' Howie thought.

"Puking, huh?" Kevin clarified.

Howie nodded.

"Can't get out of bed?"

"Nope."

"Maybe I should go in and check on him."

"No, he said that you guys didn't need to worry about doing that. He didn't want us to be late to the meeting."

"Still, maybe-"

Howie purposely stole a quick glance at his watch. "Oh look what time it is! We should get going Kev. C'mon!" He tried dragging Kevin down the hall, but Kevin didn't budge. Instead, he stood there looking at AJ's door, as if he were thinking. "Hello? Kev, we need to go."

"I really think I should check on Aje. If you say he was puking his brains out and now he can't even get out of bed, then I should see him to see if we need to get a doctor here to check him," Kevin explained his reasoning, though it were all a lie. He knew something was up, he could see it in Howie's eyes. But he'd be damned to let the latino know.

"We can do that after we get back from the meeting," Howie answered, finally succeeding in pulling Kevin down the hall to the elevator. 'You owe me big time for this Aje...'

*****

AJ pulled his baseball cap down over his eyes as he and Jameelah stepped through the hotel lobby doors and outside. He had successfully made it out of the hotel without running into Brian, Nick or any fans, and most importantly, without running into Kevin. Now, all he needed was Howie to be able to cover for him and he wouldn't have to worry about a thing.

"So, where's your car?" he asked Jameelah, keeping his voice down.

"I parked it around back. C'mon," Jameelah answered, taking hold of AJ's hand and directing him along the side walk until they found an alleyway and walked a bit further, stepping out of the alley to a small parking-lot in the back of the hotel. There were only a few cars parked there.

"Which one belongs to you?" AJ asked again, glad the parking-lot was deserted.

"This one," Jameelah answered, pulling her keys out and walking over to a galactic blue, 2002 Jetta.

AJ raised an eyebrow. "Stick or automatic?"

Jameelah gave a sheepish grin. "Automatic...I haven't learned to drive a stick-shift yet..." Once they were both in the car, Jameelah keyed the ignition and gunned out of the parking-lot and onto the crowded New York streets.

AJ stared out of the window for several minutes as they just rode in silence, his mind wandering. He was glad to be getting away for the day, and he was especially happy to be spending it with Jameelah. It was crazy, he thought, because he had only known her for less then a day, and he already felt so close to her.

"Alex?" Jameelah called out, glancing at him.

"Hmmm?" AJ looked away from the window.

"I asked if you had any ideas where you wanted to go."

"Well, you are the one who lives here. What do you recommend?"

"All depends on what you want to do. There's several good places close by that we could go to get something for breakfast, there's a big park not too far from here that's still pretty deserted this early in the morning - we could go there for a walk."

"I'd like that," AJ answered thoughtfully.

"Like what?" Jameelah asked. "Breakfast or the park?"

"The park...we can eat later, if you don't mind?"

"The park it is then."

*****

The four remaining Backstreet Boys sat around a long rectangular cedar table in one of the conference rooms that their management had rented out at the hotel for their meeting that day. They all sat there in silence waiting for their management, whom had not shown up yet.

"We're early, they're late. We're late, they're early," Nick grumbled to noone in paticular as he fiddled his thumbs. He began to twirl around in his seat, trying to see how fast the chair could turn, with Brian watching him and his face turning a shade of green.

"Sit still, would ya?" Kevin scolded as grabbed ahold of Nick's chair, making him stop abruptly.

"Who's idea was it to schedule this meeting anyway?" Nick pouted, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Would you like to answer that one, dear cousin of mine?" Brian glared in a sickeningly sweet voice.

Three pairs of eyes turned on Kevin.

"Hey, it was either today we have the meeting or have it tomorrow night, late, when we arrive at our next stop," Kevin defended himself, folding his arms on the conference table.

"But this was supposed to be our day off!" Nick whined.

"And you were supposed to do us a favor and grow up. But I don't see that you have, now have you?" Kevin shot back in a playful voice.

"I hate you," Nick grumbled.

"Yeah, and we hate you too Nicky, but at least we try to make you think otherwise," Kevin grinned, knowing Nick wouldn't be able to come up with a satisfying come back to that.

"Don't call me that" was the best thing he came up with. He scowled in Kevin's direction.

At that moment, the door to the conference room opened and in walked a representative from their management team. The man, who's name was Mike, walked over to the table, offering the four apologetic looks. "Sorry I'm late boys. Traffic was heavy, as usual since this is New York, and I had a hard time hailing a cab," he explained.

"It's no problem," Howie answered for the four of them.

"Dude, how long is this meeting going to take?" Nick immediately asked. Brian nudged him in the ribs, rolling his eyes.

"Only an hour or two, Nick," Mike answered. From his briefcase, he pulled a small stack of papers and handed a copy to each of the boys. But when he realized there wasn't a fifth Backstreet Boy present to recieve the fifth copy, he looked and saw the empty seat next to Howie. "Where's AJ?"

Kevin looked over at Howie just in time to see him sink in his seat a bit. He glared, but changed it to a concerned expression as he looked at Mike. "AJ was unable to attend the meeting today because he's currently sick in bed with the flu."

"Is he alright?"

"Well, Howie here told me that he was puking earlier this morning and can't get out of bed now because he's sick, so I don't know. I'm sure it's just a nasty case of the flu. I heard there's a flu bug going around the city right now," Kevin lied, keeping Howie believing that he believed the story Howie had told him earlier.

"That's too bad. Tell him I hope he feels better soon."

"Oh, I'll be sure to tell him that," Kevin muttered as Mike proceeded on with the day's meeting.

*****

It had taken Jameelah a mere 15 minutes to drive to the park, considering the New York traffic was already starting to get bad for the day, but she really knew her way around the city. AJ was glad to step out of the car and into the crisp morning air again. His sinuses, for some reason, had clogged during the short car ride, but they immediately cleared as soon as he stepped out of the car, bringing him somewhat of a bit of relief.

"Shall we take a walk?" he'd asked as Jameelah locked her car and the two of them headed towards a path that wove throughout the park. He held out his hand in a gentleman's manner and waited patiently for Jameelah to take it. When she did, he'd smiled.

Now they were walking along the path silently, both just taking in the beautiful scenery of the morning. Jameelah had been right about the park being mostly deserted still at this hour. So far, only two bicyclists and one jogger had passed them, going in the opposite direction that they were.

Best of all, there had been no run-ins with any fans. He guessed he wouldn't have minded if there would have been, but he really wanted to just take a break for a while.

As soon as he was able to do that successfully, he would be fine.

"Alex...what's wrong?" Jameelah asked with a bit os hesitancy.

AJ looked at her and gave her a questioning look.

"You look stressed."

"Why do you say that?"

Jameelah shrugged. "You just looked stressed."

AJ became stumped for a second, not knowing how to answer. For one thing, Jameelah was right about the fact that he was stressed. He just didn't think it seemed so obvious. But she was able to see through his shield, making him a bit nervous. "Maybe I am..." he answered after a moment of silence.

"Why?" Jameelah asked softly.

"I haven't been having a very good past few weeks. I think touring is getting to me again, Kev is jumping all over my back every time I make one little mistake, everything is seeming to go wrong for me," AJ rambled on for a few seconds, staring off in the distance as he spoke. His eyebrows became furled as he fell silent.

"There's something else...isn't there?"

AJ felt a stinging pain hit his heart as he thought of the other reason why his life was seeming to become so screwed up again. He was about to open his mouth and spill all of his thoughts to Jameelah, but he knew he couldn't do that to her. "Yeah, there is...but, I really don't want to talk about it right now."

"I understand," Jameelah nodded and dropped the subject as they continued walking.

"Good thing this park is pretty much deserted right now," AJ thought outloud as he held Jameelah's hand tightly. He had formed the 'habit' of holding her hand ever since they had left the hotel earlier. It didn't seem to bother her as it didn't bother him.

"Why do you say that?"

"I don't know," AJ shrugged thoughtfully. "I guess I just like the peacefulness I get from the quietness of...the trees?"

Jameelah giggled at AJ's attempt at an answer. "Were you trying to be poetic just now?"

"Don't tell the press...they'll have a field day!" AJ grinned sheepishly.

"Oh yeah..."

"Oh yeah what?"

"I keep forgetting I'm walking with a celebrity."

AJ stopped suddenly when Jameelah said that.

"What's wrong?" Jameelah asked.

"Are you saying that's a bad thing?" AJ questioned, becoming a bit defensive.

Jameelah became confused. "What do you mean?"

"That you're walking with a "celebrity"?"

"Oh gosh, no! Of course not!"

"It sure came out that way."

"Don't get so uptight, Alex. I didn't mean it like that."

"Sorry..." AJ apologized quietly as Jameelah took hold of his hand again.

"Are you sure everything's alright?"

"Yeah," AJ nodded. "Like you said, I guess I'm just stressed."

"I really didn't mean anything bad by what I said. I don't think of you as anything but a normal human being when I'm around you and I have enough respect to treat you like one."

"Thanks. That means alot to me."

Jameelah smiled.

Again, the two of them walked in silence, each of them off in their own worlds with their own sets of thoughts. Soon, the path they were walking on, led them to a tiny pond at the back of the park and they took a seat, gazing at the ducks that were slowly sailing across the surface of the dark water.

"Thanks for bringing me here," AJ spoke up as he kicked at a leaf that had landed next to his foot from the small breeze in the air.

"You like this park that much?" Jameelah teased, her eyes twinkling from the sun that was already shining high in the sky.

AJ caught glance of the shimmer in her crystal clear blue eyes and smiled. "Yeah," he nodded. "It's great."

"You don't get out much, do you?" Jameelah laughed. "I mean, alone?"

"No, not really," AJ answered, shaking his head. "I'm usually with the guys, surrounded by my bodyguard, or surrounded by fans. The times I'm not with any of the mentioned above, I'm cooped up in a hotel room or on a tour bus. Then, when I do get out, it's either off to a rehearsal, show, interview, or photoshoot."

"Wow, I can't even imagine..." Jameelah replied in awe.

"I've gotten used to it by all means, and I wouldn't change my lifestyle for anything. But sometimes, you just need to get away from things. With me, that's not always possible, and that's when touring really gets to me."

"At least you get the day off today."

"And I'm glad I'm getting to spend it with you."

"Are you trying to flatter me?"

"No, I actually meant that."

"Oh, so you mean you don't mean anything else you say?"

Jameelah was teasing him again.

"There you go taking the things I say the wrong way," AJ scuffed, crossing his arms over his chest and pouting playfully.

"Ya know," Jameelah said after a moment, "You should go without sunglasses more often."

AJ gave her an odd look. "Why's that?"

"Because I've seen pictures of you before and in most of them you were wearing sunglasses, but in a select few, you didn't have anything covering your eyes. I think your eyes are your best feature."

AJ was about to reply when they heard a sudden clicking noise from some nearby bushes. He looked over just in time to see the shiny lense of a camera pop back into the bush and out of sight. He groaned inwardly and pulled Jameelah up from the bench. "C'mon!" He began to run away, dragging Jameelah along side of him.

"What's going on?" Jameelah squeaked as AJ pulled her along.

"Just pray that you don't see yourself in tomorrow's news," he told her.

*****

They spent the rest of the day together, making one stop for food - "Lunch time!!!" AJ had sang childishly as they pulled up in front of the place they would be eating at. In order to avoid any confrontations, Jameelah agreed to run in and grab the food, then bring it back out to the car so they could go somewhere else to eat it.

After they had fulfilled their stomachs with enough satisfying food, they spent the rest of the day driving around. Jameelah took AJ for a long drive out on one of the backroads away from the city. It wasn't until it started getting dark, did Jameelah finally turn the car back around and head back towards AJ's hotel.

"How much longer are you guys staying here?" Jameelah asked as her and AJ entered the hotel through one of the back entrances. They were once again holding hands and AJ seemed quite content just having her by his side.

AJ's expression turned to a frown as he kept his focus ahead of him. "We're leaving tomorrow morning..."

"Tomorrow?"

"Yeah..."

Jameelah fell quiet for a moment.

"I don't want to leave to tell you the truth."

"Why?"

They stepped into the elevator and AJ pushed the button for the fourth floor.

"Because I'll miss you."

Jameelah let loose of a small laugh as she looked at AJ, but she realized he was being serious as he said that. "Why would you miss me?" she questioned, trying to get a clear view of his eyes, but he wouldn't look at her.

"I just will," came AJ's short answer as the elevator 'ding'ed and the two of them stepped out into the hall.

The hall was once again secretively quiet and they headed down the rough-carpeted floor towards AJ's room. Nearing the door, AJ reached into his pocket for his key-card and got ready to unlock the door. "Do you want to come in?" he asked, his hand rest on the knob.

"That's why I came up here with you, isn't it?" Jameelah teased.

AJ gave her a small grin as he slipped the card into the slot and heard the lock click open. He turned the knob and pushed the door open to walk into the dark room. Blindly, he felt along the wall for the light switch, and upon finding it, he switched it on.

Light flooded the room and AJ froze with Jameelah behind him.

Kevin sat at the end of AJ's bed, his arms crossed over his chest, eyes darker then the deepest depths of Hell.

Chapter 5: Lashing Out

AJ could almost feel Kevin's firey breath pounding down on him as the older man continued to sit on the end of the bed. His muscular arms were crossed menacingly across his chest and he didn't move an inch as AJ continued to stare back at him.

"Have a good time today?" came the raspy question from Kevin's mouth. The voice shocked AJ at first, it didn't sound like Kevin at all and it only made AJ all the more nervous.

But before AJ knew what to say, he found himself replying through complete anger at the fact that Kevin was invading his privacy. He didn't care how angry Kevin was. "Why the Hell do you care?"

"Ah, yes. I see you're feeling much better now," Kevin continued casually this time, but his voice still held that threatening raspiness in it. "Considering how Howie was really 'worried' because you were really sick this morning with the flu, that it was so bad, you couldn't even get out of bad. How quickly that changed, huh?"

AJ felt his blood boil. Now Kevin was just being a smartass.

"What are you doing in my room?" he hissed through clentched teeth.

"What the Hell did you think you were doing posing as being 'deathly' ill so you could skip today's meeting for no apparent reason?" Kevin shot back. He noticed Jameelah standing at AJ's side and he rolled his eyes. "Oh, I'm sorry, you went out with a girl...but still, no apparent reason."

"Get out," AJ ordered in a low voice and soon, the raspiness in his own voice matched that in Kevin's.

"Alex, maybe I should go," Jameelah spoke quietly, looking at the floor.

AJ looked at her and could see just how uncomfortable she was being thrown into this unwanted situation. He felt his anger continue to rise, and he too, crossed his arms over his chest. "No, that's not necessary..."

"No, I think I'm going to go," Jameelah answered and began to back up towards the door.

"You don't need to Jaymee," AJ told her, his eyes pleading with her not to leave. Damn Kevin, if he caused her to leave.

"I don't have a right to be here right now, Alex..." Jameelah replied. "You have my number. You can call me if you want to." With that, Jameelah walked out of the open doorway, dissappearing into the hall.

"Jaymee!" AJ called after her as he ignored Kevin and sprinted out the door. "Jaymee, please, you don't need to leave!" he yelled to her as she neared the elevator, but now she was ignoring him. He felt the hurt well inside him as he watched her step into the elevator without looking back, and then she was gone.

He felt himself losing it at that moment as he stormed back into his hotel room and marched directly over to Kevin. "Who the Hell do you think you are?!" he nearly screamed as Kevin looked up at him with vacant eyes. "Answer me damnit! I can't believe you made her do that!"

"I didn't make her do shit, AJ! I want to know who the Hell you think you are pulling what you did today! What makes you think you have the right to up and ditch the whole group and miss an important meeting? Huh? Tell me that one AJ, because I would sure like to know!" Kevin growled, standing up without a second's notice.

"You have no fucking right to be harassing me like this!" AJ growled back, not backing down. He wouldn't give Kevin that satisfaction, not after what Kevin had just pulled.

"Harassing you?" Kevin asked in mock disbelief with a laugh. "I'm not harassing you Alexander, I'm telling you the way it is! I'm getting real sick and tired of you being a real selfish jerk who thinks everything has to revolve around yourself. You're doing a piss poor job of showing how much you care about this group and everyone is tired of it! They're tired of your attitude! Except I'm the only one who has the guts to tell you!"

AJ blinked in shock at the words that spewed from his friend's mouth. "Get the Hell out now," his hissed, his hands clentching into fists. His heart was pounding with his rising level of anger and he had to try with all his might to keep himself from swinging a fist at Kevin's head.

He couldn't believe that Kevin had said all of that to him. He didn't even know Kevin had the nerves to tell him such things, and at one time AJ had actually looked up to Kevin? He was about ready to take all of that back if Kevin didn't leave his sight within seconds.

"No, I'm not leaving until what I have to say is planted deep within that brain of your's!"

That was it. AJ couldn't take it anymore. It was bad enough Kevin had been on his case all week about things, and yes, he'd been able to deal with it partly. It was even worse that Kevin was the reason that Jameelah left so abruptly, but what pissed AJ off the most was that Kevin didn't have the decency to show enough respect to leave when he was told to. That's what pushed AJ over the edge and caused him to do what he did next.

"GET THE HELL OUT OF MY ROOM!!!" AJ screamed, tackling Kevin to the floor. The next few moments whizzed by in what seemed like a matter of milliseconds. If AJ tried to think about it, he didn't even realize what he was doing.

"Get off me AJ!" Kevin yelled, paralized under AJ with shock.

"You stupid bastard!" AJ continued to scream and his fist came flying down into the side of Kevin's head.

"Holy shit!"

AJ didn't look up from using Kevin as a punching bag as the panicked voice sounded from the doorway to his room. The tears were now running down his face as he tried to throw punch after punch, and it wasn't until a strong pair of hands yanked him off of Kevin and tackled him to the floor did he finally cry out.

Despite his vision being blurry now from the salty tears, AJ could make out Howie's form pinning him down. "What the Hell Alex?!" he was screaming down at him, but AJ ignored him for a second, paralized and confused. He looked past Howie and saw the form of Brian kneeling down next to Kevin. Kevin was still laying on the ground, his chest heaving as he pinched his nose with two fingers. Brian quickly reached for a bundle of tissues from the kleenex box on the nightstand and held them tightly to Kevin's nose as he helped him sit up. That's when AJ realized to the full extent about the damage he had just caused.

Besides the 'death stare' Kevin was giving him, there was a small stream of blood running down the side of Kevin's face, from beneath the tissues that Brian was being careful to hold against his cousin's nose. A dark bruise had already begun to form on the side of Kevin's left temple from the punch that AJ had first thrown at Kevin's head.

'Oh God...' AJ's mind reeled as Howie continued to pin him. He couldn't believe what he had just done. He didn't think he would ever be capable of doing something like that to a friend, especially Kevin. But he had, and now the tears fell harder.

"Answer me Alexander!" Howie continued to yell at him, and that's when AJ finally looked up at his best friend. He was shocked to be met with a look of pure terror in his friend's dark eyes.

But AJ couldn't answer him.

Howie's expression flashed from pure terror, to concern, and back to pure terror as he studied AJ's face and the tears running down his cheeks.

"Ouch! Shit Brian!" Kevin cried out in pain, wincing as his cousin accidently bumped his abdominal area. He immediately wanted to lay down again, but with an apologetic look, Brian didn't let him.

"Do you think you can stand up Cuz?" Brian asked instead.

Kevin seemed to think about the question for a second before he nodded and allowed Brian to carefull pull him up from the ground. He stumbled a little bit, wincing some more, and leaned on his little cousin for support.

"I'm taking Kev to the ER to get his nose checked out. Thanks to somebody, it might now be broken!" Brian announced in a tone that niether AJ, Howie, nor Kevin had ever heard before.

AJ opened his mouth to apologize, but nothing but a gasp of air came rushing out. He felt several of his tears drip into mouth and he cringed from the taste. He knew he had really screwed up now. Kevin had to of hated him now after what he had just done, and by the look Brian was giving him, it seemed worse then the one Kevin's face held, and if AJ wasn't mistaken, he knew Brian had lost all respect he'd ever had for him.

But AJ didn't blame any of them for hating him now.

He'd really screwed up big time.

With a sudden burst of energy, he came out of his paralasis and pushed Howie away from him and jumped up from the floor. Before Howie could react, AJ bolted from the room, not looking back at his three bandmates.

Chapter 6: Painful Memories

The night air was quite chilly, more so in the shadows where AJ was standing. He stood at a dark corner of the hotel where no light shone, leaving him in an abyss of darkness and hidden from anyone passing. His blood shot eyes stared wearily at the busy bustling of people as they hurried by the very spot he stood. He didn't understand how one night the streets were empty and the next night the streets were full as if it were still day time. He didn't think he would ever understand how that worked.

The thought didn't help distract his mind from thinking about what had just happened moments before in his hotel room, though. He felt as if his mind were on instant replay as he kept watching himself tackle his friend to the ground and then start throwing mad punches. He knew he had no right to do what he had done, and the foolishness of his actions killed him inside. The fact that he had gone biserk towards Kevin made him even afraid of himself. He was beginning to feel like he was the night before and that scared him even more.

Peeking just enough around the corner, but still keeping himself out of sight, he spotted a night club down the street aways from the hotel. It's neon sign was what caught his attention and he focused on it for a minute before finally deciding that to be his destination. He knew he was not fit at the moment to be going to a place like that, but he needed to go some place that would take his mind off things.

No matter how bad he was feeling at the moment, he didn't want to end up on that bridge again like the night before.

He pulled his cap lower over his eyes, glad that he hadn't taken it off, and stepped out into the bustle of people. He had to keep a steady pace as he walked down the sidewalk towards the night club, or he knew for sure that he would get trampled. Three minutes later, he was walking up the three stone steps to the steel door of the club. As soon as his hand touched the metal handle, he felt another migraine coming on. Maybe it had already been there and he just hadn't noticed it. He doubted that though and began to have second thoughts about heading in. He knew drinking would only add negatively to his migraine, but the prospect of it taking away his worries for a while seemed appealing.

He headed in.

The moment he opened the doors, his ears were met with pounding music that seemed to be over amplified for the space it was in. The place was filled with people; some were dancing out on the floor, some were walking by the door AJ had just walked in through, some were sitting at the tables, and others were sitting up at the bars. AJ chose to head straight for the bar. For once, he didn't feel like dancing. He didn't have a partner to dance with, and he had greater things to worry about then to worry about finding someone to dance with.

For his luck, there was one stool unoccupied and AJ greatfully sat down, resting his arms on the counter. A minute later, one of the two bartenders walked over to him with a towel in his hands, then swung it over his shoulder. He eyed AJ questioningly, then spoke, "What can I get ya?"

"Um..." AJ thought about it for a second, not really knowing what he was in the mood for. "Coors in the bottle and a shot of vodka," he finally answered and waited as the bartender got his drinks.

After his drinks had been served, the bartender walked away to tend to another customer and AJ sat there studying the drinks for a while. A bottle of Coors sat in front of him and next to it was a little shot glass full of the clear alcholic liquid known as Vodka. Once again he thought about how he knew he shouldn't be doing this. One side of him was telling him to just pay for the drinks and leave, but the other side, the more tempting side at the moment, told him to suck it up and drink what he had ordered.

After a few more moments, that's exactly what he did.

*****

It had been nearly a half an hour since Brian had left to take Kevin to the ER, and a half an hour since AJ had bolted from his room. After telling Brian to just take Kevin and go, Howie had run after AJ, hoping with everything that he could stop his friend. He knew AJ was not in the right state of mind to be running off alone, especially after what he had just gotten done doing to Kevin. But no matter how fast Howie had run down the hall and took the elevator to the first floor, AJ had been even faster and was gone.

Now, Howie stood in his own room, which was next door to AJ's, and paced back and forth. One side of him was more then angry for how his friend had acted, and if it would have been proper, then he would have retaliated against him and kicked his ass. But a more powerful side easily calmed him down as a bout of worry set in and took over every crevess of his body.

AJ was gone.

The thing that scared Howie the most was he had no way of knowing where AJ was or which way he had gone. He couldn't have felt more helpless knowing that, and knowing he had no power at the moment to help his friend.

His continuous pacing only caused him to develope a headache and he sat down on the end of his bed and thought with his elbows resting on his knees. What surprised him the most was the fact that he could tell AJ was set on doing damage to Kevin when he and Brian had walked in. But that was far from how AJ was. Sure, they had all had their share of fights over the years, and yes, some had turned into small fist fights, but not one had ever occured between AJ and Kevin. The worst fight the two of them had ever had was nothing more than screaming back and forth at each other. Howie could remember one paticular time though when AJ and Kevin were arguing and AJ had come close to knocking Kevin upside the head with his fist, but AJ had had enough respect to just back away from the situation.

So when Howie and Brian walked into AJ's room tonight to see the rebel pinning the taller man down and aiming punches at his head and side, niether knew what to think. Howie's first reaction had been to get AJ off Kevin immediately and that's exactly what he had done. Upon doing so, he realized AJ didn't even fight him. In fact, as Brian tended to Kevin and Howie tried to getting an answer out of his friend, he saw something.

AJ was crying.

This, in paticular, shocked Howie. He knew how his friend was and he knew deep down inside that AJ was a big softy at heart, but the way he was crying seemed different. The fact that he was crying after what he had done, didn't make sense. Howie knew AJ's ego was the size of Texas and wouldn't allow him to act so emotional after being so 'tough', but there AJ had been, pinned under Howie's arms, and he was crying.

Howie knew there had to of been something else that was troubling AJ so bad that it brought him to the point of tears. Was it something Kevin had said to him? He knew Kevin had been on AJ's case for several weeks now, and it had been getting pretty bad the past week, but for AJ to do what he had done, Kevin had to of said something that had set his best friend off.

Howie could only wonder.

Not being able to deal with sitting still any longer while his best friend was missing, Howie jumped up from the bed and walked out of his room. He took the elevator down to the third floor and headed to room, 327, where he made his hand a fist and knocked.

A few seconds went by and noone answered the door, but by pressing his ear against the wood, he could animated sounds coming from inside and he rolled his eyes with a groan, knocking on the door a bit harder this time. "Nicky! Open up!" he yelled, hoping to get Nick's attention.

This time he pounded on the door.

Howie heard the sound being muted and a pair of feet walking towards the door. A second later, the door clicked open and Nick stood there in a wife beater and a pair of dark blue adidas warm up pants, looking unamused that he had been disturbed while playing one of his numerous video games on his playstation.

"Whatcha want D?" he asked, his voice void of emotion as he leaned against the doorway. "Because of you, I became distracted and my guy got eaten by the T-Rex."

"Was eaten by the T-Rex," Howie replied, not having any idea why he had corrected his grammar while pushing past his taller friend and walking into the room.

"Hey, did I say you could come in?"

"Does it look like I care if you did or did not?"

"Man, bite my head off while you're at it. You can piss off if you're going to act like-"

"Nick, just shut up for a second, alright?" Howie interrupted as he began to pace again unconciously.

"What's wrong with you?" Nick asked, watching the latino with confusion.

"Did Aje stop by here within the last thirty minutes?" Howie asked, stopping to look at his blonde-headed friend.

"No, he's sick in bed. So why would he?"

"He was never sick in bed to begin with Nick."

"You mean...oh man D, you lied?"

Howie could see the lighting of amusement on Nick's face and he felt himself frown. "Could you please be serious for one minute? Because now is so not the time."

"I can try...but uh, I'm not making any promises."

Howie took a deep breath, trying to stay calm and keep his cool. He had a zero tolerance level at the moment and he swore that he would lash out at Nick like AJ had lashed out at Kevin if Nick didn't stop acting so immature for one moment so Howie could tell him what had happened. "Did Aje call you within the last thirty minutes?"

"Wouldn't he be more likely to call you then to call me?"

"At the moment, I'm not so sure. Is your answer no?"

"Nope, he didn't call."

"Shit," Howie swore under his breath, surprising his younger friend.

"Why?...What's going on?"

"Do you want the peanut butter with or without the jelly version of the story?"

"Huh?"

"Nothing," Howie rolled his eyes.

"Dude, are you going to tell me what's going on? Because I'd really like to get back to my game now."

"Aje is missing."

Nick paused on his way back over to the tv. He turned around to face Howie. "What do you mean he's missing?"

"Exactly what I said Nicky. He's gone, left, I don't know where he is."

"Go ask Brian or Kevin-"

"Kevin is the reason he ran off."

Nick paused again. "Are you purposely trying to confuse me tonight? If you are, it's working."

"No, you dummy. Brian and I went up to talk to AJ. His door was open and when we walked in, he had Kevin pinned on the floor. He was throwing massive punches at Kev, and by the time I got him off, Kev ended up with a bloody nose and a bruised left temple. Brian took him to the ER to see if his nose was broken, and who knows if he was bruised anywhere else. AJ really seemed to be punching him hard."

"AJ went psycho towards Kevin?" Nick asked in disbelief.

"That's what seems, huh?"

"Why would he do that for?"

"I don't know. I think Kev must of said something that really set Aje off."

"J might get pissed sometimes, but he never goes so far as to-"

"Yeah, I know. That's why I can't believe he did this," Howie answered and rubbed his temples. He knew he would need to get his hands on some tyenol soon. "Listen, I'm really worried about him right now. You willing to go with me to go look for him?"

"I'd be disbanded from the group if I said no," Nick answered as he reached for his sweatshirt and pulled it over his head. "And now you've got me worried too."

*****

AJ wasn't exactly sure how long he had been sitting at the bar, but as he lifted his pounding head from the counter, he saw six beer bottles and eight shot glasses layed out in front of him. All of them were empty and as he continued to stare at them, his vision grew a bit fuzzy and he swayed a bit on his stool.

"Everyone's clearing out and the club is about to close up. You're going to have to leave now sir."

AJ grimaced at the sound of the voice. He hadn't realized that the music was no longer playing, but he did know that any sudden sound made his whole head feel like it was going to explode. "Huh?" he mumbled, not looking up.

"I said the club is about to close up and you're going to have to leave now. Would you like me to call you a cab?" the bartender asked, wiping off the counter.

"No...I's stay at hotel down da street," AJ slurred as he stood up from the stool. He nearly fell over though and had to quickly grab onto the counter until he gained his balance.

"Are you sure you don't want me to call you a cab?"

"No cab."

"Alright. Just be careful walking back then."

AJ grimaced as he took every step towards the door and when he stepped outside, he was hit with a blast of cold air that nearly made him puke as it hit. Holding him stomach until he felt as little less queezy, he began to make his way back to the hotel. The walk seemed to take forever, when somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew it was only supposed to take a few minutes.

Stumbling around to the back of the hotel ten minutes later, he entered into the warmth of a deserted hall and stumbled down it further until he found one of the elevators. Once he reached his designated floor, he stepped into another deserted hallway and started to make his way towards his room.

"Where mah key..." he grumbled outloud as he reached into his pants pocket for his keycard. For a reason unknown to him, his hands felt numb and he had a bit of difficulty grabbing the card at first, but when he was finally able to, and he was standing in front of his door, he effortlessly attemped to stick it into the slot. After many failed attempts, he was finally able to get the door open and he stumbled into the room.

It was dark and cold inside and his first goal was to find the button that made the room warm. "What it called?" he thought outloud with a small giggle. "I don't know what it called!"

With a shake of his head, he felt along the wall until he found the light switch and switched it on. The room was immediately filled with bright light and he was forced to squint. "Too damn quiet in here," he mumbled to himself as he walked over to the night stand. He sloppily turned the radio in the alarm clock on. The station it was tuned into was currently doing commercials, so while grumbling to himself, he headed into the bathroom.

The light seemed to be just as blinding to him in the bathroom as it was in the main room. Upon reaching the sink, he had to lean against the wall to keep himself from falling. He knew he'd had way too much to drink. His head was pounding furiously in rejection to the alcohol his body had consumed and his stomach was starting to reel again, like it had when he had left the club.

He was drunk and he knew it.

AJ numbly grasped the knob to turn on the water in the sink, making sure it was icy cold. Using both hands, he splashed the water in his face several times before he finally looked up to stare at his reflection in the mirror. What he saw shocked him.

He couldn't even recognize the person staring back at him. At first he thought his eyes were fuzzy, but despite how many times he tried rubbing them, he was met with the same reflection. He knew it was himself, but he looked different. His eyes were bloodshot and the brown color of his irises were dull. The skin below his eyes was puffy and red, while his cheeks were blotchy all over.

Then he realized it. He'd often get this way after he drank compulsively. Now he knew why he looked this way, and he didn't like what he saw.

He spotted a small glass cup on the bathroom sink and he quickly grabbed ahold of it as he felt the scratchy feeling in his throat. He was awfully thirsty all of a sudden, and as he proceeded to fill the cup with water, the radio switched from commercials to music.

What he heard was something that hit him hard in the chest with all that he had been feeling.


I pretend that I'm glad you went away
These four walls closing more everyday
And I'm dying inside
And nobody knows it but me

AJ froze upon hearing those lyrics.

It was his third attempt at giving her a kiss in less then ten seconds, and again she pushed him away. All he could do was look at her with confusion, not understanding why she was acting so cold towards him all of a sudden.

"Why are you acting like this Sarah?" he heard his voice asking, as he looked at her back. She wouldn't even face him, and she didn't give him the satisfaction of an answer. "Sarah?"

His hands reached out to hold her, but she pushed his hands away as she turned around to finally face him. "Don't do that."

"Do what? Touch you? Hug you? Kiss you?" he asked her in even more confusion. The coldness in her voice was enough to send shivers up his spine.

Again, Sarah didn't answer him. She tried to turn away again, but he quickly reached out and grabbed ahold of her arm, keeping her facing him. "Why do you keep turning away from me? What did I do?" was the question racing through his mind and the one he chose to ask aloud.

"Because I don't want to face you and have to tell you at the same time." Sarah's voice didn't come out the same as it usually did. She sounded different, different from the Sarah that he used to know.

"Tell me what?"

She twirled the engagement ring on her finger before she finally it off her finger. "This..." she said quietly as she studied it for a second, then placed it in his hand. "...doesn't mean anything to me anymore. I can't push myself into something that I know I won't be able to stay in forever. I couldn't do that to you."

Saying he didn't like how this was sounding would be an understatement. He looked down at the diamond engagement ring in his hand. "What are you saying?" he asked, his voice quivering as he questioned her. He looked up to see her staring back at him, her eyes void of any emotion at all.

"I'm saying the engagement is off AJ..."

"But...but the wedding-" he stuttered.

"There isn't going to be a wedding," she told him. "I can't go through with it if I know deep down inside that I can't give you 100 percent. I can't do that to you."

"I know you don't mean that. Sarah, I know you don't."

"I'm sorry AJ..."


His mind was reeling now with flash backs of that horrible day.

"You can't just do this to me, Sarah!"

"I can, and I will. I don't want to hurt you, AJ."

He gave a cruel laugh. "Hurt me? I think you already have!"

"I'm sorry-"

"You aren't sorry! You wouldn't be doing this if you were sorry!"

"Goodbye AJ..."


It had happened nearly three months ago...


Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I'm crying inside
And nobody knows it but me



"You thinking about her again?" Howie asked as he plopped down next to AJ on the edge of the stage while everyone was taking a break during rehearsal.

AJ shrugged, gripping his water bottle and looking at the floor. It had only been a week since she had handed him her engagement ring and called everything off.

His heart was still shattered.

"Did she even call?"

"Nope." AJ stood up and began hopping up and down in place to get himself warmed up again. "It's her loss...I really don't care."

Howie gave him a questioning look.

AJ knew Howie was unsure of whether or not to believe he actually meant what he just said. If he could voice what he felt, he would have spilt his guts right then and there to his best friend, but AJ couldn't. It hurt too much to even think about. He knew he needed to tell someone how he was feeling.

He just couldn't though.

He kept everything bottled inside, which hurt him even more. Anytime he was alone, he would burst into tears, not understand why he was crying at the moment, but knowing deep inside it was because of her.

Nobody knew he was like that though.


A deep pain began to settle in his stomach and rise up into his heart. The tears started to well in his eyes, and when they began to fall, they stung his blotchy cheeks.


Why didn't I say
The things I needed to say
How could I let my angel get away
Now my world is just a tumblin' down
I could say it so clearly
But you're nowhere around

The nights are lonely
The days are so sad
And, I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missing you
And nobody knows it but me



Another restless night had decided to torture AJ.

He lay awake on his back, staring up at the ceiling through the dark. No matter how hard he tried to fall asleep, he ended up just tossing and turning until he ended up on his back awake.

The reason he couldn't sleep was simple.

The reason felt like it was killing him inside.

He kept thinking about her. About Sarah. About why she left him, calling off their engagement so suddenly without an explanation. Why she walked out the door without anything more then a simple goodbye. She didn't even look back at him as he yelled after her to not leave. That thought just stung him in the heart.

As it did every night.

The night had become a very lonely time for him and he would usually just lay in bed, lost in an abyss of angry and sad thoughts, until finally he would get so caught up that everything he was holding inside of him would burst out. The tears would start to fall in a rush, and before he knew it, he was sobbing uncontrollably.

Just like every night since she had left.

He missed her. He knew he did. He missed her more the anything. But everytime someone asked him about it, he would deny it. What was he trying to do?

Fool himself?


He was sobbing freely now, staring back at his horrible reflection in the mirror. The lyrics from the radio continued to burn a whole in his heart until he let out a loud cry and suddenly smashed the glass into the hard wall. Instead of letting go of the glass as it hit the wall, he used his hand to push it harder against the wall.

He didn't care about the fact that the shattered glass that was pinned between his hand and the wall was cutting into his skin. He felt too much pain in his heart to feel the pain in his hand.

The blood began to flow from his hand and dripped down his arm. When he saw the crimson liquid, he collapsed to the ground, shards of glass sticking in his hand as the rest fell to the ground.


How blue can I get
You could ask my heart
But like a jigsaw puzzle it's been torn all apart
A million words couldn't say just how I feel
A million years from now you know I'll be lovin' you still



He doubled over in pain at that moment, curling into the fetal position as his injured hand lay limply on the ground. The blood still poured from it and began to collect on the ground. He could barely move and he cried helplessly as he tried to kick the bathroom wall. He needed help and he needed it now.



The nights are lonely
The days are so sad
And, I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missing you
And nobody knows it but me
Yeah, ohh, uhh, whoa
Nobody
Nobody
But me...



"HOWIE!!!" AJ screamed as loud as he could, banging his foot against the wall. Howie had to hear him, he was in the room next door and had the extra key to AJ's room. Howie had to hear him. He continued to kick the wall. "HOWIE!!!

It wasn't until several seconds later did he hear his door being thrown open. Then,

"Aje?!"

"Howie, help!" AJ cried out upon hearing his best friend's voice.

Howie came rushing into the bathroom and skidded to a halt when he saw his friend laying on the tiled floor. He noticed the blood collected around his friend's hand, the shards of glass against the base of the wall, and the shards of glass protruding the skin of AJ's hand. "What happened?!" he screeched, hurrying over to his friend's side. AJ couldn't answer him as he was sobbing.

Howie felt his heart beating rapidly as he knelt next to AJ, resting a gentle hand on his friend's shoulder. "C'mon Aje, you have to calm down. You need to tell me what happened..." He could feel AJ's body shaking beneath his hand and he felt the tension rise.

"Aje, please. You need to stop. Tell me what happened, please!" Howie begged, not knowing what else to do. He kept looking down at AJ's hand, the one with the glass sticking out of it and he gulped down a queezy feeling that had formed in his stomach.

"The glass...I threw...I didn't mean...the glass...ow..." AJ whimpered, trying to speak, but his sentence came out broken.

Howie panicked as he jumped up to get one of the hand towels and brought it back over to AJ. He carefully cradled AJ's injured hand and lightly wrapped the towel around it. "C'mon AJ, you need to sit up! I need to get you to the hospital!"

"NO!" AJ suddenly cried out, shaking his head furiously.

"Aje, you're hurt. You have to go. You can't do this right now. Please, sit up!" Howie ordered as calmly as he could, trying to help AJ into the sitting position. His friend slumped against him as if he had no energy to sit up by himself. "C'mon Aje, I need to get you to the hospital!" he continued to tell him.

Using all his strength, Howie hoisted AJ up onto his unsteady feet and started leading him towards the door. They had just about made it the door when he felt AJ falling from his grasp and he looked just in time to see AJ's eyes shutting as he began to fall towards the ground. Howie reacted quickly, trying to stand AJ up again.

"Aje, don't do that! Keep your eyes open!"

AJ tried to oblige, he wanted to. He wanted the pain to go away, but it was starting to take over him, and by closing his eyes, the pain couldn't get to him any longer.

But Howie was yelling at him.

That's when he lost the battle, and as his last bit of strength dripped aimlessly away, he fell in to a deep hole of darkness.

"AJ!!!"

Chapter 7: Living Reality

Exhaustion was fighting with all it's might to keep AJ in the land of the unliving, but the seering pain in his right hand brought him abruptly awake. He lay there a second, his eyes closed, unsure if he trusted himself enough to open them. As soon as he did, he closed them as quickly as he had opened them, for the dim lighting in the room seemed to be as bright as the sun and it was killing his head to let his eyes adjust to the light. He'd just settle with keeping his eyes closed. Maybe even for the rest of his life...

"Aje?"

Or maybe he wouldn't. He cringed at the sound of the voice, someone had obviously caught him peeking his eyes open. 'Go away' his pounding mind thought, now fighting to keep his eyes closed. It were as if they wanted to do the opposite of what he wanted to do. He wanted to keep them shut, they wanted to open... He wondered if he wanted them open, would they want to stay shut?

"Aje?" Now the owner of the voice was shaking his shoulder. He tried to shrugged the hand off, but the hand persisted. "C'mon Aje...you have to wake up."

Obviously he had to, but did his opinion matter if he said he didn't want to? The throbbing in his hand grew intensively worse, as if warning him to open his eyes. Slowly, he peeked his eyes open again and was met with a pair of concerned brown eyes. Ignoring the look they gave him, he looked around.

Where was he?

The more he thought about it, the more his head pounded. He couldn't think straight and confusion started to settle over him. His whole body ached, but he didn't know why. His hand felt like it was on fire, but again, he didn't know why. His head was about to explode, and of course, he didn't know why. At first glance, he didn't recognize his surroundings. The only thing he could be sure of was that he was laying atop a bed, an uncomfortable one to be exact.

"Can you hear me, Aje?"

"Yeah..stop yelling," he found himself replying in a gruntled voice. He winced as he tried to sit up, but his body was so weak that he could do nothing more then lift his head an inch off the pillow. "Ow...fuck..." he cried out as his whole body protested.

Howie raised an eyebrow oddly towards his friend. He knew for a fact that he wasn't yelling, he was actually speaking quieter then he usually did. "Take it easy buddy..." he told him as AJ attempted to sit up a second time, but once again cried out in pain.

"Howie, I think I'm dying!" AJ grimaced, squeezing his eyes shut. That had to be the reason why he was in so much pain. He couldn't think of any other logical reason why, so that had to be it.

"You're not dying Aje..." Howie answered, rolling his eyes, but his expressions turned serious immediately. "But you could have last night. Alex, what happened?"

AJ wanted to turn away and bury his face in the pillow, but he was afraid to move. Any sudden movement would result in a sure wave of agonizing pain and he didn't know if he could handle it. "What do you mean what happened?" he moaned, bringing his right hand unknowingly to his forehead. He saw the white gauze wrapped around his hand and he panicked. "What happened to my hand?!"

"Calm down Aje!" Howie answered, eying his friend with confusion. "Do you remember anything about last night?"

AJ didn't answer, instead he remained quiet, his eyes clouded over.

"Do you?"

"...No."

"You don't remember what happened between you and Kev yesterday?"

AJ shook his head.

"Or how you ran off?"

Again, he shook his head.

"...Or how you injured your hand?"

"No," AJ whimpered as a massive wave of nasuea washed over him. Just great, now he felt like he was going to be sick. Why couldn't he remember any of the answers to what Howie had just asked?

Howie sighed as he rested his elbows on his knees, studying the pained look on his best friend's face. AJ really didn't remember, and he knew that wasn't good. "You went out with that girl yesterday after making me promise to cover for you since you would be missing the meeting," he started, figuring he might as well tell AJ all that he knew of what had happened.

"What girl?" AJ asked, squinting his eyes.

"You introduced her to me as Jaymee," Howie answered, pausing to see if there was any hint of recognition towards the name in AJ's eyes. Howie found none and decided to continue. "The two of you went out for the day and when you returned, Kev was in your room, waiting for you to get back I guess. I don't know what happened before Brian and I came into your room, but when we walked in, you had Kev pinned on the floor and you were punching him, pretty badly too, Aje."

"GET THE HELL OUT OF MY ROOM!!!" AJ screamed, tackling Kevin to the floor. The next few moments whizzed by in what seemed like a matter of milliseconds. If AJ tried to think about it, he didn't even realize what he was doing.

"Get off me AJ!" Kevin yelled, paralized under AJ with shock.

"You stupid bastard!" AJ continued to scream and his fist came flying down into the side of Kevin's head.

AJ closed his eyes as that image flashed in front of him.

"I'm really glad Brian and I came when we did...because I don't know what you would have done if we wouldn't have," Howie told him.

"Holy shit!"

AJ didn't look up from using Kevin as a punching bag as the panicked voice sounded from the doorway to his room. The tears were now running down his face as he tried to throw punch after punch, and it wasn't until a strong pair of hands yanked him off of Kevin and tackled him to the floor did he finally cry out.

"You gave Kev a bloody nose and a good sized bruise on the left side of his temple. Brian had to take him to the ER to make sure it wasn't broken."

Besides the 'death stare' Kevin was giving him, there was a small stream of blood running down the side of Kevin's face, from beneath the tissues that Brian was being careful to hold against his cousin's nose. A dark bruise had already begun to form on the side of Kevin's left temple from the punch that AJ had first thrown at Kevin's head.

"...Was it?"

"I don't know...I haven't seen either of them since I brought you back here early this morning. I didn't think I would, it was pretty early in the moring. I think around two or three."

"Brought me back from where?" AJ was almost afraid to ask, but maybe it would give him some clue as to why he was suffering from so much misery. He still didn't understand why he had done what Howie had just told him he had done to Kevin.

"The hospital," Howie answered.

"Why?"

"You ran from the room after I tore you away from Kev. We didn't know where you were. Nick and I went out looking for you, but we couldn't find you. The two of us were worried sick. Aje, where did you go last night?"

AJ thought long and hard and that's when it all came back to him, causing him to gasp.

"I'm taking Kev to the ER to get his nose checked out. Thanks to somebody, it might now be broken!" Brian announced in a tone that niether AJ, Howie, nor Kevin had ever heard before.

AJ opened his mouth to apologize, but nothing but a gasp of air came rushing out. He felt several of his tears drip into his mouth and he cringed from the taste. He knew he had really screwed up now. Kevin had to of hated him now after what he had just done, and by the look Brian was giving him, it seemed worse then the one Kevin's face held, and if AJ wasn't mistaken, he knew Brian had lost all respect he'd ever had for him.

But AJ didn't blame any of them for hating him now.

He'd really screwed up big time.

With a sudden burst of energy, he came out of his paralasis and pushed Howie away from him and jumped up from the floor. Before Howie could react, AJ bolted from the room, not looking back at his three bandmates.

He remembered running from his hotel room. He remembered how the tears were falling and he couldn't stop them, how they stung his cheeks. He remembered how he had ran out of the hotel, through the backdoor they had always used and just stood in the cold alleyway, trying to decide where to go. Then he remembered walking into the club and how the pounding music made his head want to split open.

The only thing he couldn't remember was the period of time between arriving at the club and coming back to the hotel. It was like it had been erased from his memory, no matter how hard he searched for it.

"I know you're remembering now. Just tell me where you went. Nick and I looked for you, but we didn't find you anywhere. Where did you go?" Howie pressed for an answer, determined to not give up until he got a satisfying answer.

"The...a...that...that club down the street..." AJ finally answered.

'Shit!' Howie's mind exclaimed as he heard the words leave AJ's mouth. That was the only place him and Nick hadn't looked. They didn't expect to find AJ there because he hadn't been big on going out and drinking alot by himself since he had gone into rehab. He didn't drink much anymore anyway. "Exactly how much did you have to drink?"

"I don't know!" AJ cried out as his hand began to burn. He cradled it gingerly against his chest as tears of pain welled in his eyes. His stomach was now twisting and turning, churning it's way up his throat. He was about ready to lose whatever contents he had in his stomach.

"Aje..." Howie hesitated, seeing the distressed look on his friend's face. He didn't like the fact that AJ's face was paling more and more with each second.

"Oh God, move!" AJ choked as he suddenly jumped up from the bed and went running into the bathroom. He slammed the door shut before Howie could even get to it.

"AJ!" Howie yelled, pounding on the door with his fist. He listened closely and all he could hear was AJ retching inside. His own stomach turned as he tried the door knob again. It was locked.

AJ continued to heave into the porcelain bowl, spitting out the foul liquid that burned his throat as it continued to come up with each cough. He really did feel like he was dying at the moment. He didn't think he could take it any longer, until finally, nothing else came up and he collapsed against the wall. He gasped for air several minutes afterwards.

"Alex?"

He could hear Howie calling to him through the door and he just sat there staring at it. His head hurt worse then ever now as he sat there, thinking about everything he had done. Hurting Kevin and messing up more then one friendship. Running away from the problem and drinking himself to point where he couldn't remember anything up until returning to the hotel.

Out of the corner of his eye, he caught sight of a faint red stain on the tiled bathroom floor and he cringed at the thought of what that was. He knew what it was from as he looked down at his bandaged hand and the reason why it was injured. It had happened because of the pain-wrenching memories of the one person he thought he loved more then anything in the world.

He was sobbing freely now, staring back at his horrible reflection in the mirror. The lyrics from the radio continued to burn a whole in his heart until he let out a loud cry and suddenly smashed the glass into the hard wall. Instead of letting go of the glass as it hit the wall, he used his hand to push it harder against the wall.

He didn't care about the fact that the shattered glass that was pinned between his hand and the wall was cutting into his skin. He felt too much pain in his heart to feel the pain in his hand.

The blood began to flow from his hand and dripped down his arm. When he saw the crimson liquid, he collapsed to the ground, shards of glass sticking in his hand as the rest fell to the ground.

The shards from the broken glass had long been cleaned up, but the faint stain was a defenite reminder of how he had hurt himself. He had screwed up way more then once that day, and in the middle of everything he damaged two friendships that meant everything to him.

He didn't know how he was going to be able to fix this problem now.

Chapter 8: Having to Leave

He let the cold water gather in his un-damamaged hand for the third time and brought it up to splash it in his face. The droplets of cool liquid rolled off his skin like rain was falling from above and he looked up to stare at his reflection in the mirror.

A pair of unrecognizable dark eyes stared back at him, with dark - almost bruised-like - bags hanging beneath them. His usually tan skin was leaning towards a rosy-colored side, more or less blotchy than his personal liking could handle. All he could do for a moment was just stare at the stranger reflected in the mirror.

He felt ashamed at the thought that he could barely recognize himself. His stupidity had succeeded in screwing his life over once again and drug him right back down to where he had been for so many years. He had vowed to never return to such a disgraceful state of being, because he knew how much it hurt himself to act in such a way, but he'd broken that vow last night.

"You almost done in there?" Howie's voice called out after a gentle knocking had broken his distressed train of thought.

"Yeah..." His voice came out hoarse as he didn't bother to look at the door as he answered his friend. He felt the burning sensation in his throat as he nearly uttered that one word. His throat was raw from heaving so badly a half an hour earlier, and his stomach was still punishing him for his actions from the night before. Every move he made felt like it would cause him to throw up at any given second. He wanted to just crawl into bed and throw the covers over his body so he couldn't be seen. But that wasn't possible.

As soon as he had emerged from the bathroom several long minutes after rushing in there to get sick, Howie was quick to remind him to get a shower taken and to be ready to get on the bus within the next half hour. He wasn't thrilled about the anticipation of the long bus ride they had ahead of them, but he was looking forward to climbing into his designated bunk and not emerging until their next destination.

He wondered how possible it would be to accomplish such a task?

"Hurry up Aje...we need to head down to the lobby," Howie called out to him again. He almost sounded impatient and AJ wasn't surprised. His best friend hated being late to anything, and if anyone caused him to be late, then it just agitated the crap out of his friend.

'Hold your damn horses!' his mind growled as he took one last look at his reflection before slipping on a pair of dark-plated shades. At least he could successfully mask one part of his misery, which was a good thing too, for he knew there would defenitely be a hoard of fans to see them off that morning.

Reaching for the handle on the bathroom door, he twisted it and pushed the door open, nearly slamming it directly into Howie and catching the latino totally off-guard.

"Ready?" Howie asked, heading over to the door. Next to his own back pack on the floor in the open doorway (AJ was baffled at how Howie could be so organized to be able to bring only one small bag with him into the hotel), he had AJ's duffel bag waiting.

AJ was grateful at that moment for the fact that his friend had packed his stuff for him. He never would have been able to complete the task on his own. "Thanks for getting my stuff together for me," he mumbled, leaning down to grab ahold of his duffel and hoist it over his shoulder.

Howie only shrugged in response as he reached for his own bag. "Let's go," he told AJ shortly and began heading down the hall towards the elevator.

AJ was almost surprised to think he heard a hint of anger in his best friend's voice, but the shock quickly diminished as his mind ran away with him. His friend had every right to be mad at him, he realized. After what he had done the night before, he almost expected Howie to be mad.

The two men stepped into the elevator and Howie pressed the illuminated button for the lobby floor as AJ shrank against the elevator wall. He didn't utter a word, nor did he sigh a breath. It caused AJ to become paranoid and he finally spoke up after not being able to stand his friend's silence any longer.

"So, I guess you hate me too, huh?" The words came out of his mouth before he could even so much as think about what he was saying. He could tell his friend was taken aback by his choice of words.

"Why would you say I hate you?" Howie asked, turning to give him a questioning glare.

AJ winced from behind his sunglasses. "Because you seem like it," he shrugged, not knowing what else to say to that.

"Well I don't," Howie replied, turning away from AJ again. He crossed his arms over his chest and rested his back against the wall. His eyes were trained on the metal door, almost begging with them silently to open.

"Then you sure have a funny way of showing that you don't hate me," AJ told him. "I know for a fact that you're pissed off at me, and D, don't lie, because you're the worst liar ever. If you're pissed, then that's fine, because you have every right to be pissed off. I screwed up and succeeded in pissing three people off. Hell, knowing my luck, Nick is probably pissed off at me about something. I'll deal with it, but don't go about trying to act like you aren't pissed because that's when it starts to hurt. Damn, I need a Tyenol."

Upon hearing his friend say that last little bit, he let a chuckle escape his lips and he turned to look at him. AJ was resting his left hand against his forehead and grimacing; Howie softened. Rolling his eyes, he reached into his back pack and took out the tiny travel case of Tyenol and a small bottle of water. He handed it to AJ who gracefully excepted his offerings. "Listen Aje, I don't hate you, because for one, you are my best friend and I won't ever stoop as low as to actually hating you. I will admit that, yes, I was pissed at you for what you did and I still am, but that does not mean I hate you." He then reached over and pressed the "emergency stop" button and the elevator came to a sudden stop.

AJ swallowed down two Tyenols with a chug of water and handed the bottle back to his friend. "But I know Brian and Kevin do," he spoke quietly, looking down to the floor.

"Again, I'd be safe betting you that they are extremely pissed off with your actions, but they don't hate you. Brian's expressions speak louder then his words and the way he reacted last night was only out of being protective over his big cousin. Kevin on the other hand, well, he's a little harder to guess."

"Ain't that the truth."

"You want to know why he was mad at you last night to begin with?"

"Because I skipped the meeting."

"Yeah, but that's not the only reason why."

"Because I skipped the meeting to hang out with Jaymee?"

"No."

"Fine D, why?"

"Because he's worried about you."

"What-"

"He's worried about you, just like the rest of us are, because, lately, you have started to become so distant again. It's like sometimes we don't even know you anymore, again, and that hurts Kevin, because he loves you like a brother, just like we all do. He's just trying to look out for you and he doesn't want to see you get hurt."

"Nice sentimental talk D. You been working on that?" AJ asked, trying to break the tension that he could feel building in the tiny space.

Howie glared at his best friend. "Can you ever be serious? I swear, you and Nick act the same at times."

"Sorry..."

"So listen, I'm not suggesting that as soon as we're all on the bus, you go and talk to Kev. Give it a while and try talking to him. Suck up your ego and apologize. You'll only regain his respect by doing that. Same goes with Brian."

"Dude, I wouldn't be surprised if Brian has his Bible out right now and is trying to damn me to the depths of Hell for how I acted last night. 'Thou hath disrespecteth my cousin and shall livith the rest of eternity in the firey depths of Hell!' He would do that D, I swear to it."

Again, Howie rolled his eyes. "You scare me sometimes, Aje."

"I try..."

"So does Nick."

"We all try to scare you, D."

"I feel so loved."

"You should."

"Ya know," Howie spoke up after a short moment of silence, "Don't feel like you're alone. I'm in the dog house with Kev, too."

"Why's that?"

"Because I lied for you and as we all know I'm 'not the best liar', so he's pissed at me about that."

"But it was my fault."

"Kev's not gonna care about that," Howie chuckled and sighed, pushing the "lobby" button and the elevator started up again.

"Sorry about all of that," AJ replied.

"Like I said, I don't hate you."

Several seconds later, the elevator came to a stop on it's own and 'ding'ed before the metal doors slid open. As soon as they had began to slide open, mass hysteria filled AJ and Howie's ears and the two of them peeked out to see the entire lobby swarming with fans. After nearly a minute of searching, they could barely make out the three figures of Brian, Kevin, and Nick in the sea of people. That's when they were spotted and a swarm of fans changed direction and came charging at them. AJ felt his head spin for an unknown reason, and was about to step back into the elevator to escape, but his and Howie's bodyguards, Jeff and Scott, were suddenly at their sides and began to lead them through the sea.

AJ's mind was reeling as Jeff created a path through the crowd of fans and lead him through. He wanted to stop to talk and sign a few autographs, but by the way Jeff was rushing him along, he knew they were already running late. Howie was already out the lobby doors now, much to the dissappointment of all the fans, and AJ looked around to find Brian, Kevin, and Nick being led away by their body guards.

Just as Kevin was being escorted by a short girl around the age of thirteen, she cried out, "How did you get hurt?"

AJ was relieved to hear Kevin answer, "Never walk around in the dark in a room you are not familiar with!", but it made him wince to see Kevin acting as if nothing was wrong. He could see past the mask Kevin was wearing and he knew Kevin was deeply angry. Then AJ saw Brian looking over in his direction and as soon as their two gazes locked, Brian's expression turned so evil that AJ nearly gasped and quickly looked away. AJ was about ready to think that Brian was more angry with him then Kevin was, and he looked away in shame.

AJ didn't say a word, nor did he even look up at the fans as Jeff escorted him out the lobby doors where their tour bus was parked out front. He felt awful about ignoring the fans, but he was ready and needed to get out of the lobby. The screaming wasn't doing any good for his pounding headache. Ahead of him, he saw Nick to be the last one to climb on the bus, his blonde friend turning around to wave at the fans one last time. AJ rolled his eyes, Nick was purposely acting goofy at the moment as he energeticly hopped onto the bus.

Hell, if it's entertainment to the fans, so be it then.

He had just reached the bus's door and was about to climb on when, above all the shouting of the fans calling out to him, he heard a specific voice yelling his name and he forced himself to stop, straining his ears to listen harder.

"Alex!"

Jeff was becoming impatient as AJ began to stall and he pushed him forward a bit. "C'mon AJ, ya gotta get on the bus. Stop stalling!"

"But I heard my name being called!" AJ argued as he fought against Jeff's resistance.

"Yeah, it's being called by tons of screaming girls. You'd be deaf NOT to hear your name being called! Now get on the bus!"

"Alex!"

"You don't understand! I destinctly hear someone calling my name! Someone I know!"

"It's called the fans, AJ! You need to get going now!"

Jeff continued to push AJ onto the bus and AJ continued to strain his ears to listen. He knew who that voice belonged to and she was the one person he wanted to see more than anyone before they left, but Jeff wasn't letting him stall any longer.

"Alex!"

"Damnit Jeff, stop!" AJ leaned all of his wait into Jeff forcefully, causing his bodyguard to stumble away from him. He turned around to look over the sea of fans in hopes that he would actually see her and that he was not imagining her voice.

And he did see her.

She was trying to push her way through the crowd, desperately trying to get over to the bus before it pulled away. "Alex!" she yelled out again as she tried to get past two girls who were blocking her.

"Jaymee!" AJ yelled back as he hopped off the bus steps and hurried past Jeff. His mind whirled as he rushed over to her, not being able to believe that she was actually there. Despite the fact that the fans clawed merciously at him as he hurried past them, he was able to reach Jameelah and he immediately took hold of her hand and began to drag her into the hotel.

Once inside, AJ and Jameelah were faced with another obstacle of escaping the wrath of all the fans that were still inside, but it wasn't that hard to get away this time. He immediately lead Jameelah over to the elevator and the two of them stepped inside. As soon as the doors were shut, AJ pushed the "emergecy stop" button.

"Um...wow?" Jameelah gasped as she tried to catch her breath.

"What are you doing here, Jaymee?" AJ asked, his face breaking out into a truthful grin as he took off his shades, not even thinking about it.

"Thanks for the formal greeting," Jameelah teased. "I came to see you off."

"But how did you know when we would be leaving?" AJ asked in amazement.

"Let's just say I have my ways," Jameelah replied, studying his eyes.

Becoming uneasy at how Jameelah was just staring at him, he raised an eyebrow. "What? I got a booger hanging out of my nose or something?"

"No, your eyes are bloodshot. What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Alex, I can tell it's not 'nothing'. What happened?"

AJ shrugged. He couldn't tell her what had happened between him and Kevin the night before and how he had drank himself to the point of no remembrance of the event. "I just didn't sleep well I guess," he finally answered, shrugging again.

"Oh..."

"Why did you come to see me off?"

"Well, for one, I couldn't let you leave without saying goodbye, but two, I wanted to make sure everything was ok after I left last night. I'm sorry I didn't stay, but Kevin didn't seem very happy and I didn't feel I had the right to be here."

AJ grimaced at the mention of Kevin's name. "Yeah, he wasn't very happy."

"Was everything ok though?"

AJ hesitated before saying, "Yeah, we argued a bit, but nothing else happened." He spoke half the truth with those words.

"So everything is ok between the two of you?"

"Yeah," AJ lied as he brought his right hand up to scratch his temple unconciously.

"Omg Alex, what happened to your hand!?" Jameelah screeched as she saw the white bandage.

AJ immediately tried to hide his hand, but Jameelah took a hold of it and studied it. "It's nothing Jaymee," he tried to tell her, "just an accident."

"What happened to it?" The concern in Jameelah's voice made AJ's heart melt as she gingerly held his injured hand in both of her's.

"I..." AJ bit down on his bottom lip. "I dropped a glass in the bathroom last night and when I went to clean up the broken glass, I cut my hand by accident, so I had to go to the ER and get stitches."

"Oh gosh..." Jameelah winced.

"It's no problem. It didn't hurt."

"I'd think it would."

"I'm a big boy and big boys don't cry."

Jameelah laughed as AJ offered her an impish grin.

"I'm really glad I got to see you again before I left," AJ spoke up after niether of them had spoken a word for several second. It was at that moment that he felt all of his pain wash away. He was amazed how she could do that for him, and she didn't even know it.

"I am too," Jameelah replied, sounding like she were in a daze. "I didn't think I was going to make it."

"I'm glad you did."

"Where are you heading next?"

"I'm not sure, and at the moment, I really don't care."

"What's wrong?" Jameelah frowned.

"I guess I just don't want to leave," AJ shrugged and he leaned against the elevator wall. He watched as Jameelah gave him a questioning look. "Fine, I'm gonna miss you."

"You barely even know me and you're going to miss me?"

"Is that a crime?"

"No, I just think it's cute."

"Well, people always tell me I cute, hot, sexy, anything else you can think of," AJ teased and Jameelah smacked his arm. "Hey!"

"Ya know, it seems wierd, but I'm really going to miss you too."

"Come on tour with me."

"What?"

AJ nodded. "Come on tour with me."

"Alex, I can't do that."

"Why not?"

"Like I said, I barely know you, and two, don't you think that's a little too sudden?"

"You're right, I'm sorry," AJ shrugged and frowned.

"You have my number so you can call me."

"You know I will do that."

"AJ!"

"Ah shit," AJ grumbled as he heard the pounding on the elevator doors. He immediately knew it was his bodyguard, Jeff.

"Time to leave, huh?" Jameelah asked, as AJ reached for the "open doors" button.

"Unfortunately," AJ answered. "Thanks for coming to see me again, Jaymee." As he pushed the button, AJ leaned in for a quick kiss on Jameelah's cheek, then walked straight past Jeff once the doors had opened, quickly making his way outside and not caring that the fans were calling out to him.

"I'm going to miss you, Alex," Jameelah found herself whispering as she watched him walk off.

Chapter 9: Hearing What You Don't Want To Hear

Sleep was the only thing that successfully took away the pain from AJ's hideous hangover, sending him floating peacefully into a world of nothingness that left his body tingling with a warm sensation. It was all he could ask for at the moment and he almost felt like he were in a place like Heaven. So when he was rudely jolted from his slumber when the tour bus roughly hit a large bump in the road, he moaned out in dissatisfaction, rolling out of the fetal position he had been curled up in, and onto his back.

He had been sleeping in his bunk and the curtain was drawn, so there was only a very faint trace of light peaking through the semi-thin fabric. AJ didn't mind the darkness that engulfed him at that very moment. It more then anything brought relief to his aching head. Light seemed to only make his migraine headache worse.

'Damn the alcohol' he thought stubbornly as he brought his left hand up to his forehead. His right hand currently felt like it was on fire again, but AJ chose to ignore the pain. There was enough pain and things on his mind at the moment. 'When will I ever learn my lesson...'

"Well, how exactly did he hurt his hand?"

AJ froze and ceased to breath for a minute as the voice entered his ears. He strained to listen better in order to decipher who the voice belonged to. His mind was so fuzzy and clogged with sleep that he was beginning to think he had gone deaf when he didn't hear anything for nearly a minute.

Then there was a reply to the question that had been prompted.

"I was sleeping when I heard Aje screaming in his hotel room-"

"Oh man, being woken up by one of AJ's wild sex occurances! Poor you, D!"

"Grow up, Nick! That's not what it was."

"Fine, what was it?"

'So they're talking about me behind my back' he thought, his eyes narrowing. He knew it wasn't the first time they had ever done such a thing, but this was really getting to him. If Nick wanted to know how he had hurt his hand, then he should have gotten off his butt and came and confronted him about it, 'But', AJ thought again, 'No truth would have been told'.

"That's when I heard pounding on the wall."

"Are you sure it wasn't-"

"Are you just going to keep interrupting me?"

"Sorry..."

"So I heard Aje screaming my name and pounding on the wall-"

Nick snickered and AJ could picture Howie rolling his eyes. 'That did come out the wrong way, D...' AJ thought.

AJ listened as Howie continued on to tell Nick how he had rushed into his bathroom to find him curled up on the floor in total hysterics, with his hand all cut up and all the blood. Now AJ was about to hurl, thinking about that all over again.

"I didn't know what was wrong with him," Howie spoke, his tone of voice different from it's usual normalcy. "His hand was cut up pretty bad and I couldn't even get an understandable answer out of him. So the first thing that came to my mind was to get him to the hospital. But he passed out for nearly a minute as we were making our way out the door."

"Oh shit, he passed out?" came Nick's enthusiastic reply.

"Yes."

"What did you do? Call an ambulance?"

"No," Howie answered, shaking his head. "Thankfully, he woke up and I was able to get him downstairs without much trouble and I hailed a cab to take us to the hospital. Calling an ambulance would have only caused more trouble then what any of us needed and the press would have had a field day if that was the case."

"Yeah, you got a point there. So what happened at the hospital?"

"You won't tell Aje?"

"Why? Was it bad?"

"Well..."

Howie was hesitating and AJ didn't like it one bit. He then realized that Howie had 'forgotten' to tell him about the events that had taken place at the hospital. Why was that? He wondered. What, had he made a fool out of himself or something? If so, then he really wanted to know.

"What happened?"

"I've seen Aje freak out before at a hospital because of injuries, but I've never seen it as bad as it was last night. He totally flipped once we were in a private examining room and a nurse tried to inject him with some pain killers. The poor lady had barely come near him with the needle and he went bizerk. The doctor came in shortly afterwards and had to assist the nurse in getting an IV into Aje's arm so they could actually get the pain killers into his system."

"Damn..."

"That's only the beginning of it, though. It took them nearly twenty minutes to do that, all the while Aje was thrashing about and "attempting" to fight the doctor and nurse off. Because of him, the sentence "Go to Hell!" is now over-used."

There was no reply from Nick this time, so Howie continued.

"The doctor ended up having to sedate Aje in order to successfully work on his hand. He ended up with ten stitches."

AJ looked at his bandaged hand. Had he really acted that bad?

No wonder Howie had 'forgotten' to tell him. His friend had enough respect to save him from-

"I have to say, I've never been so embarrassed because of Aje since I've known him."

AJ took that thought back.

"Damn." Nick's vocabulary had lowered itself down to one word for a moment's being.

"Hey, did you talk to Brian or Kevin this morning?" Howie suddenly asked several minutes later when niether of them had spoken up.

"I ran into Brian in the hall this morning on the way down to the lobby and I tried to say hi, but he wouldn't talk, he just kept on walking. He really wasn't in a good mood at all. And I didn't even attempt to talk to Kev. I knew better not to," Nick explained, trying to sound sophisticated with his answer.

It wasn't working.

"AJ really screwed up, huh?" Nick asked.

"Majorly," came Howie's answer and he fell silent for a moment. "The thing that angers me the most is that AJ is starting to go back to his old ways. He went out drinking last night, Nick. He was at that club down the street from the hotel and that's the only place we didn't look. So he was completely drunk when he got back to the hotel. He's going back to his old ways and I don't like it one bit."

AJ felt the anger and hurt continue to well in him as Howie and Nick moved on to talk about other things, away from the subject of "how much AJ had screwed up this time". That's when he realized that his face was wet and when he reached up, his realized it was the tears that were falling from his eyes. He had never felt so betrayed before as he did right at that moment. He didn't care as much about Nick being part of that conversation, but the fact that Howie had said what he had, and hadn't had the decency and respect to tell AJ to his face, was what hurt AJ the most.

And the fact that Kevin had been right when he told AJ the day before, it was like another punch in the stomach.

Quickly wiping his eyes and cheeks dry, he pulled the curtains open and climbed from his bunk. He couldn't handle being in that enclosed space any longer and he began making his way towards the front of the bus to have a word with their driver. Much to his dissatisfaction, on the way towards the front, he passed by the kitchen area where Howie and Nick were sitting and playing cards. Nick was the first one to see him and was completely oblivious to the expression on his face.

"Hey J!"

Upon hearing Nick say this, Howie looked over his shoulder to see his friend appear. "Hey Aje-"

"Fuck off Howie," AJ growled and continued straight past the two Backstreet Boys without another word.

Chapter 10: By Way of Actions

'Why I am writing in this is beyond me. Besides the fact that I take this thing with me everytime I go on tour and I never write in it, maybe it's because if I start uttering my thoughts and feelings outloud, then everyone will think I'm crazy. On second thought, they probably already do. Knowing them, they probably have since the day they met me and they will think that of me until the day I die. Who am I to blame, though? Nobody but myself. I am the so-called "rebel" after all. Rebel without a cause. The crazy brother of the group.

Whatever.

That's the thing that gets me the most sometimes. You get categorized once and you're tatooed with the category for the rest of your life. It's funny that I should use the analogy of 'tatooed'. How many am I up to now? Maybe I should get another one... Back on subject though, who are they to say I'm crazy, if they actually think that? If anything, they will be the cause for the loss of my sanity. They, being my four "brothers", my four friends... No, I take that back. My so-called friends. They are the ones who will push me so far over the edge that I will lose my sanity.

Damn.

Maybe I need to start writing from a place that might actually make sense if I ever come back to read this bunch of jibberish, that at the moment, is making no sense to me. It's also not helping that I can't even read my own hand writing, and when that starts to happen, what do you have left?

Lately, everything seems to be crashing down around me. My whole life if I should put it bluntly. I feel trapped when I really think about it and that's starting to kill me inside. That's what I really feel like what's happening. The first brick falls out of place and the rest of the building crumbles down afterwards. The first brick fell when my heart was crushed three months ago. I know I'm still not over it, over her, and I'm starting to admit that, despite the fact that I've been denying it ever since it happened. But that was just beginning. I really believed that when I found her, I was finally able to pull my life together. That I would finally be able to get on the right track for once and show people that 'Hey, I'm not as bad as you think. I'm a human being with just as much feelings as you! I'm allowed to make mistakes, aren't I?'

Once again, I guess this comes to show that my life isn't meant to ever be 'on track' as I like to put it. Or maybe this is just God's way of warning me early that I'm damned to spend the rest of eternity in the firey depths of Hell from all of my sins from my early life up until now. I'm not perfect, ya know?

The way I see it is everyone expects me to be, perfect that is. According to them, I have no feelings, I'm not human, and damnit, I'm not allowed to make mistakes. No, in their eyes, I'm supposed to be perfect. Not everyone was meant to be a saint!

Whoever came up with the word perfect anyway? Because I'd really like to know what defenition they had in mind when they thought up such a word.

These past few weeks have been pure Hell for me... Hey, is that where I am now? Kevin has been on my case about the littlest mistakes that I seem to make and frankly, I'm getting sick and tired of his shit. Out of all of them, I can easily say he would be the first one to make me go crazy. I'm beginning to think he already has me heading in that direction. I don't know what's been stuck up his butt lately, but I seriously think he finds pleasure in directing all of his PMS'ing bullshit towards me. What's he trying to do, lower my self-esteem lower then it already is, to the point where it's completely diminished?

I wouldn't be surprised...

I don't know, it's just...lately, everything has been getting harder for me to handle, and I know that sounds weak, but I'm tired of being the "bad boy rebel" and having to hold the strong, tough image that comes along with it. I never asked for that role. It was shoved in my face the moment I chose to throw away the normal life I knew and follow my dream. By all means, I don't regret it and I never will, but sometimes, people just push things too far, and that's when someone goes crazy and it's too late to say "Ease up a little, would ya?"

Two nights ago I had seriously thought that I had gone crazy. I couldn't take it anymore, the day had gone horribly with too many mishaps to my name, and everyone, not just Kevin, was jumping my case for each and every mistake. 'Damnit AJ, stop screwing around! We have a schedule to keep!' 'Great going AJ, once again you screwed up!' 'Are you some kind of idiot, AJ!?' I seriously snapped that night and couldn't take it, so I ran. When I first ran, I had no idea where I was going, but I ended up on a bridge, with still no direct plan or action in mind. Eventually I found myself sitting on the edge of the bridge with only one thing in mind, and since I have trust that noone will be reading this but me, I had decided to end my life that night. I almost did too, but she came along. I can easily say she is the answer to my prayers when I was ready to jump and she doesn't even know it.

Jameelah.

The moment I looked into her eyes I knew I couldn't go through with the plan my screwed up head had come up with. There was just something about her that wouldn't let me go through with it. And now I could never be more thankful that she had come along when she did. I know if she hadn't of come along, I wouldn't be writing this right now. That I can say for sure.

I made plans with her that night to spend the next day with her since the fellas and I would be leaving the day after. Of course, Howie had to break the news to me that there was a meeting that day. Screw that. I didn't give a crap about some meeting. My mind was set on spending the day with Jameelah. I don't know what it was, but I felt like I needed to spend that day with her. The wierd thing was, and I still can't explain it is, it was like I felt...safe around her.

So being the "rebel" I'm made out to be, I conjured up the idea of having Howie cover for me by telling the fellas that I was 'deathly ill' with the flu. Yeah, good idea AJ. That's really gonna work. Note the sarcasm in my writing. Of course, I personally didn't care whether Lord Richardson found out or not. Screw some meeting that I would be sitting in hours on end without doing anything. That's the way I looked at it.

Being with Jameelah that day totally changed the way I was feeling. The day seemed to be going perfect for once and it felt so perfect just being in her presence. I hadn't even known her for a day and I already felt so close to her. Which reminds me how much I really miss her right now and it's been less then 24 hours since I've last seen her...

But all good things have to come to an end, right?

It doesn't matter who you ask that question, because the answer is yes. Leave it to Lord Richarson himself to ruin things for me. To tell the truth, it is very rare that I have ever seen Kevin look as mad as he did last night when Jameelah and I returned back to the hotel. And damn him for being the reason that Jameelah ran off.

Trust me when I say I have so much respect for Kevin, but when someone disrespects me like he did, you don't get away with it. I admit that, yes, I was way out of line reacting like I did, but I was so pissed off that I was far from being in the right state of mind to make a rational decision.

But the moment that Brian and Howie burst into the room and Howie pulled me off of Kevin, I realized how much I had screwed up once again. I had hurt one of my closest friends because I had reacted like an idiot. Hence the title that I'm sure every one is sure to give me now, " AJ McLean, the biggest idiot and screw up of all time". The look Brian gave me that night... Damn, I really did screw up. I never
thought I would ever see Brian give me such a look of hatred as he had
directed towards me. Brian of all people. You really have to piss him off to get such a look from him and I succeeded in doing so.

So now Kevin and Brian hate me because of my stupidity, and come to think of it, I don't blame them. On another note, I can't even begin to explain how pissed off I am at my other two so-called friends, though. I'd like to know who they thought gave them the right to talk about me behind my back like I heard them doing earlier this morning. Bet they don't even suspect that I heard them. And I'm the one who is stupid sometimes? I guess I'd expect Nick to do it, but Howie, my best friend of all people, I expect more respect out of him. And the fact that he betrayed me...that's what hurts.

But maybe I'm wrong with all of this. Maybe I've been bringing this all on myself all along. Or maybe I'm just being punished for who I am. If that's the case...then strike me now God!

I can't handle this anymore...'

~From the journal of AJ McLean

Upon hearing a knock on his hotel room door, AJ quickly signed his name on the page he was writing on, then stuffed the black leather cover journal into his duffle bag that had yet to be removed from the end of his bed. The knocking still persisted as he worked on re-zipping the zipper to enclose the tiny journal of which held his deepest thoughts and feelings. "Hold on!" he grumbled as he finished with the zipper, jumping up from the bed and hurrying over to the door. He wondered who had come to bother him. There were only four possible choices he could think to choose from, and unfortunately, it was four people who he least wanted to see at the moment. But the question was, which one was it?

He reached the door and stuck his hand out to grasp the handle, but he
stopped himself. He eyed the peep hole and decided to look through first, thinking there might be a slight possibility that it wasn't any of them and maybe someone else. He had learned from too many unfortunate incidents in the past of him opening his hotel room door after hearing a knock and being mauled by a group of hormonal teenage girls. His dark eyes traveled up to the peep hole and he froze.

At that moment, he almost wished it were a group of teenyboppers standing outside his door after he saw who was actually standing there. He almost wished it were. Almost. Glaring through the peep hole, he was tempted to ignore the person standing there and go about what he was doing, but he figured he had more respect for others then what this person obviously had.

His hand whipped out and grasped the door handle and he pulled the door open. The man standing there jumped back in surprise at his abrupt answer to the knocking. AJ ignored it and crossed his arms over his chest. "What do you want?" he asked in a gruff voice as he stood there, leaning against the door frame, as if he were protecting his territory.

Howie almost looked at AJ in surprise because of the tone of voice he was using. "You want to explain what your problem was on the bus this morning?" he asked in reply.

AJ wanted to scuff at the fact that Howie was acting so blind to the reason why he was so angry at the moment. He just stared at the shorter latino, his eyes narrowing. "You should fucking know what my problem is."

"Obviously I don't if I'm here asking you," Howie told him, his eyes still masked with confusion.

'You really are stupid' AJ thought as he felt the anger boil within him. "Trying to act innocent doesn't go over well with me, Dorough."

"What are you talking about? I asked you a simple question and I would like to know the answer."

"Figure the answer out yourself, though I think you already know it."

"I don't like your attitude, Aje."

'You don't like me attitude?' Again, AJ's eyes narrowed further. "You need to leave."

"I'm not leaving until you tell me what's going on."

"I have no desire to talk to you."

"That's too bad."

'Just keep your cool AJ' he mentally told himself. "Get the Hell out of-"

AJ was abruptly cut off when he heard his cellphone ringing on the nightstand and giving Howie an icy look, he turned around to go answer it. Upon retrieving it, he flipped it open and brought it up to his ear. "What?" he growled.

"Excuse me?" came a woman's voice on the other end.

"Hello?" AJ asked in confusion.

"Is that how you always answer the phone when your mother is calling?"

AJ's eyebrows furled and he quickly looked at the caller id. Sure enough, his mother's name and number was shown across the screen. "Hey Mom..." he answered back, feeling foolish for the way he had answered.

"What's wrong honey? You sound upset," Denise immediately replied.

There was a moment of silence before AJ finally answered, subconciously sighing before he spoke. "Nothing's wrong," he said, rubbing his temples as the words left his mouth. He could feel Howie watching him and his anger boiled harder. "Howie and I were just debating something."

"I must be interrupting then. Do you want me to let you go?"

"No, Howie was just leaving," AJ answered, turning around to look at Howie as he said this.

"I'm sorry honey, but I have another call. Promise me you will call me later? You didn't call the other night and I was worried because I haven't spoken to you for a while. Are you sure everything is alright?"

"Yes, everything is fine, Mom."

"Alright. Call me later when you get a chance. I love you."

"Love you too, Mom," AJ answered quietly, not wanting to hang up with his mother. It brought great relief and comfort to hear her voice, that he almost felt like begging her to ignore the in-coming call. Relunctantly, he flipped the phone shut, though, and stuffed it in his pocket, then looked up to find Howie still standing there. "I thought I told you to leave."

"What is your problem, AJ?" Howie asked, looking at AJ with complete confusion.

"My problem? You really want to know my problem, Dorough? You're my problem."

"Excuse me-"

"No, I used to think you were my friend, my best friend."

"I am your best friend-"

"Correction. Used to be my best friend. That is until you started talking shit about me behind my back, and to Nick of all people. If you got problems pertaining to me, Dorough, then you talk to me about them!" AJ growled, feeling as if he was foaming at the mouth. He couldn't keep the words from spewing from his lips, he was so angry at the moment. And he didn't care how hurtful his words were being. In his mind, Howie deserved this talk.

"What the-"

"Just get the Hell out of my room."

Howie stood there for a minute, looking dumbfounded and shocked at the same time. A look of complete hurt crossed his face as he seemed to search for something to say, only he turned around and walked out the door without saying anything. AJ sighed as he stared at the closed door, his words replaying over and over in his mind. He really had been harsh towards Howie just now... He wasn't going to worry over it though. Howie had deserved it.

With that last thought, he reached for his jacket and key card, then slammed out the door.

He needed to get out for a little bit.

*****

Nothing more then the gentle lapping of the waves against the shore, did AJ hear besides his own breathing. He was alone outside with nothing more to keep him company then his own troubled thoughts. It was not the type of company he wished to have at that very moment, he wanted something more.

The temperature had dropped several degrees since he had wandered into one of the local water-front parks in the city they were now in. A slight breeze had picked up and nipped at his ears from where he sat on a cold bench. His eyes were trained somewhere off in the distance and he was able to focus on nothing more then an endless dimming horizon of ocean. The sun was nearly out of sight now and he seemed to be the only one present in the park. He was glad about that to some extent, though.

He shook his head, scuffing as he thought an unknown thought. His mind was clustered with too many issues that had been thrown at him. He found himself unconciously rubbing his temples, a habit he had formed lately when he was stressed or had too much on his mind at one time. This was defenitely a moment he had too much on his mind and he shook his head again.

His mood had changed drastically from crappy to just plain shitty and depressed in a matter of minutes after he had left the hotel. AJ couldn't help but feel that he had treated Howie unfairly, despite how many times his mind kept telling him that Howie had betrayed him. That was one thing that he completely despised about himself. He always ended up being too much of a softy.

AJ sighed in frustration. He didn't know what he was going to do. First he had succeeded in getting Brian and Kevin against him, and now he was nowhere near wanting to have anything to do with Howie or Nick. As far as he was concerned, he had noone at the moment. He was left clueless.

At the rate he kept screwing up, pretty soon there would be nothing left for him. He was even surprised that he hadn't gotten his own mother to hate him yet. It was only a matter of time though, he thought. Maybe he should have done what he was going to do on the bridge...

"Stop it," he told himself outloud. His mind was starting to reel again with all of the crazy thoughts that had been tormenting his brain for so long. It was such thoughts that had begun to harm him in ways that had always scared him. He was beginning to turn back into someone he didn't even know.

Many minutes passed by as AJ sat there silently, staring off into the distance. At least the calming feeling of the ocean brought him some peace. He always loved being on the coast, where he felt he could always let loose of his worries and watch them float away on the drift.

It took him a second before he reached into his pants pocket and pulled out his cell phone. He stared at it for a moment, debating on who he was actually going to call. Originally he was thinking about calling his mother back, but then decided against it and hit the speed dial button for Jameelah's place.

One ring...

Two rings...

AJ became discouraged as the third ring had come and gone. He was ready to hang up, but right as the fourth ring sounded, the call was abruptly answered, making AJ pause.

"He-lllooo?" came the energetic answer, making AJ cringe on his end.

AJ frowned, it wasn't Jameelah who had answered the phone, which he was hoping with all hope that she would be the person to answer. Immediately he knew who the voice belonged to...Jenny. "Yeah, is Jaymee there?"

"Yes, may I ask who's calling?" Jenny asked.

"It's Alex."

"Hey Alex, how's it going? Jaymee said you left this morning!"

"Yeah, we left early. Can I talk to Jaymee?"

"Jaymee was a bit down about the fact that you had to leave."

"Can I talk to her?"

"I think she really misses you!"

"Can I please talk to her?"

"You going to come back and visit her sometime?"

"Damnit Jenny, can I please talk to Jaymee!?" AJ rose the tone in his voice as he became irritated with the fact that Jenny was stalling. It wasn't that he wouldn't mind talking to Jenny, it was that he had called to talk to Jameelah and he really needed to talk to her.

There was a pause on Jenny's end.

"Hello?" AJ called out.

"You're lucky I don't hang up on you for acting so rude to me," Jenny hissed at him.

Then he heard the phone being shuffled.

"Alex?" Jameelah called out.

"Hey babe," AJ greeted quietly.

"How are you doing? Are you in the next city already?"

"Yeah..."

"And the trip went ok? How long did it take?"

"Pretty long...I slept most of the way..."

"Tired are ya?" Jameelah laughed.

"Yeah..."

"Are you at your hotel right now?"

"No..."

"On the bus?"

"No..."

"Then where ya at?"

"A park?"

"You must like parks, huh?"

"It's by the water. I needed somewhere peaceful to go for a little bit..."

"Where's the guys at?"

AJ paused, a sour feeling passing over him as Jameelah asked him where the fellas were. "...At the hotel."

It was Jameelah's turn to pause this time and she became quiet for a second. She noticed that AJ wasn't as talkative as she had expected he would be. His voice was quieter then usual, and if she wasn't mistaken, he seemed down and depressed, which concerned Jameelah. "Alex?"

There was no answer on AJ's end.

"Alex?" Jameelah called out again. "Alex, are you still there?"

"...Yes," AJ sniffled out, letting go of a stiffled sob.

"Sweetie, what's wrong?" Jameelah immediately questioned, swearing that she could hear AJ crying quietly on the other end. Yet again, there came no answer from AJ. "Alex?"

"T-they hate me, Jaymee!" AJ sniffled, trying hard to hold back the tears that had suddenly come and hit him full force. He didn't want Jameelah to think he was crazy for crying over the phone to her. He shouldn't even be bothering her with all of his worries. That's not why he had called her in the first place.

"What do you mean they hate you? Who does?" Jameelah asked, taken aback by the sadness in AJ's voice. She didn't understand what had come over him so quickly, when he had seemed fine earlier that morning when she saw him off.

"The fellas do," AJ answered, rubbing furiously at his eyes. He had to stop this foolishness, the foolish tears that he had started to cry, but he couldn't. they just kept falling.

"I don't understand what you mean, Alex. Why do you say they hate you?"

"Because I'm a screw up. A big screw up, and they even think so."

"That's not true."

"It is true, Jaymee. I know what they think of me, and they think I'm a big screw up. They're sick of me, they don't want me around."

"Alex, how could you even say that?"

"Because I heard it come from their mouths what they think."

"Who said it?"

"Howie and Nick. I heard them talking on the bus this morning right after I woke up."

"I'm sure you misheard them-"br>

"I didn't mishear anything. They hate me. Howie, my supposid best friend is sick and tired of me. None of them want me around, and after what happened last night, they all think I'm a major screw up..." AJ's voice trailed off as he realized he had said too much. He bit down on his bottom lip, hoping that Jameelah wouldn't think anything of what he had just said, but she did.

"What happened last night?" she asked.

"It's nothing," AJ quickly said. He really didn't want to get into it with her, that's why he had purposely not told her about it in the first place. But of course, he had to blab his big mouth, and now that he had said something about it, of course Jameelah was going to inquire about it.

"It's obviously something if you are this upset, Alex. Just tell me."

"I-I hurt one of my closest friends last night..."

"Howie?"

"No, Kevin."

Jameelah hesitated, remembering that Kevin had been the one that was waiting in AJ's hotel room when they got back. "What happened?"

"I was mad Jaymee, I didn't mean to react the way I did. I was just...he pissed me off. He really pissed me off."

"What did you do, Alex?"

"Gave him a bruised temple and a bloody -possibly broken- nose. I don't know because I haven't talked to him since Brian and Howie came in and Brian took him to the ER."

AJ heard Jameelah gasp and he frowned, knowing he shouldn't have told her. The tears continued to cascade freely down his cheeks as he sat there, trembling.

"Alex-"

"Howie came in and pulled me off of Kev so I couldn't punch him anymore and then Brian gave me a look of pure hatred as he tended to his cousin. That's when he left with Kev to take him to the ER. So Brian and Kev both hate me now and after hearing Howie and Nick talking about me this morning, I know they hate me too. I don't know what to do, Jaymee. I keep screwing up and my closest friends hate me now."

"I really don't think they hate you," Jameelah finally answered after a moment of silence. She really didn't know how to respond to what AJ had just told her. She was surprised at what AJ had done, since he had acted so normal this morning when she had seen him. She never would have guessed that had happened. "Alex, it's alright."

"You don't understand," AJ spoke quietly, gulping down a bout of sobs. "I can't handle them being against me. It's too much for me to handle...things just haven't been going well for me at all. I don't know what to do!"

"First you need to calm down," Jameelah told him softly, worried that he was becoming so upset. "Just calm down, ok? You won't do yourself any good by getting upset."

"But I don't know what to do..."

"Speak to them."

"None of them want to talk to me and I have no desire to talk to Howie or Nick at the moment."

"Then don't worry them right now. Focus on making up with Brian and Kevin. I know that's what you're most worried about right now."

"But-"

"Alex, I really don't know what to tell you because I don't know you and the guys, but from past experiences I know that it's better to try to work out the problem instead of leaving it alone and dwelling on it. Because if you do that, it's only going to get worse. I really think you should trying talking to Brian and Kevin as soon as you get the chance to."

AJ sighed, taking note of Jameelah's words. He knew she was right with everything she said and he knew what he had to do to try to set things right and he would start as soon as he got back to the hotel. "Thanks Jaymee..." he answered. "I'm sorry for bothering you."

"You weren't bothering me. I'm glad you called...because, I miss you."

That got AJ to smile a little. "I miss you too, as wierd as it may sound."

"It doesn't sound wierd at all."

"Well then, I'm glad because I really miss you."

"You're sweet, Alex," Jameelah giggled. "Listen, I have to go. Jenny's bugging me to come back and finish watching the movie we were watching. I will talk to you later?"

"Yeah, I'll call you later."

"Alright, bye Alex."

*****

AJ grasped at the warmth as he walked down the hall on the floor of the hotel they were staying at. He had passed his room a few doors back, and just rounded a corner to his right, continuing on.

'Room 324'

'Room 325'

'Room 326'

'Room 327' AJ stopped in front of the door as he looked at the little black numbers. His heart stopped for a second as he raised his fist to knock, pausing to think over what he was about to do. Finally, his fist came in contact with the door and he knocked several times, stepping away from the door and waiting.

It wasn't until a minute later did he hear shuffling in the room, then he heard, "Someone's at the door honey, I'll call you tomorrow before rehersal. I love you." AJ cringed as he heard the southern twang and the lock on the door clicked, then the door opened. As soon as the man saw AJ standing there, he shot an icy glare and went to slam the door shut in his face, but AJ held out his hand to stop him, determined.

"Brian, can we talk?"

Chapter 11:

"Brian, can we talk?"

Brian stood in the open doorway, sending AJ his death glare. AJ knew that if looks could kill he would have defenitely already dropped dead. But he was still standing and witnessing just how much anger Brian felt towards him. Brian was silent a minute more before his lips parted and his voice escaped, quiet and dangerous. "I have nothing to say to you at the moment." Once again he attempted to shut the door, but AJ prevented him from doing so a second time.

AJ looked at the Kentuckian with pleading eyes. "Please Brian, I really want to talk."

"Leave me alone, AJ," came the short southern reply.

AJ sighed. "This isn't fair-"

Brian was quick to cut him off this time, his usually warm blue eyes turning to a dark icy shade. So cold and so unnormal looking. "No, what isn't fair is what you did. Not only did you disrespect my cousin, but you also disrespected me! And that is unacceptable. I don't know who you think you are, but you had no right to do what you did! You have issues to deal with, AJ, and until you've dealt with them, I have no desire to speak with you!"

AJ blinked several times in response to the words Brian had just spat at him. He had never heard Brian speak this angrily towards anyone, he hadn't know Brian to ever become so angry, especially since he always seemed like such a forgiving person. "Man-"

"Leave," Brian hissed.

"Brian-"

"Don't think I will hesitate to call Hotel security if you don't leave right now," Brian growled, his expression showing that he was speaking the complete truth with his words. He waited impatiently for AJ to back away, but the tatooed man didn't move.

The tears sprung to AJ's eyes, Brian wasn't even giving him a chance to properly apologize for the mistake he had committed. The fact that he was truly sorry for what he had done and Brian wasn't even acknowledging it, was punching AJ in the gut. "I'm sorry!" he whispered as he let go of a rush of air, swallowing down a bout of sobs.

"I highly doubt that."

AJ didn't have a chance to protest further for his right to apologize, for Brian had already slammed the door shut. He felt his hands clentching into fists as his palms became sweaty and he raised his left hand to ram it into the wall out of complete anger, but the idea didn't seem appealing and he lowered it again. Instead, he turned around and began to head back towards his room.

He had gotten no further then halfway towards his room when a tall, blonde-headed man came walking towards him. AJ groaned, immediately recognizing him as being Nick. This was not something AJ needed at the moment, he didn't need anymore confrontations. So trying to be smart, AJ kept his head down, hoping to pass by Nick without any words, but...

Tonight was just not his night.

Luck did not come easy to him.

"Yo J!"

'Leave me alone!' AJ thought, keeping his focus on the ground as he walked.

He didn't get very far.

"J! I'm glad I ran into you!" Nick spoke as if he were in a hurry, blocking AJ's path. "Are you ok? You seemed really pissed off towards D on the bus this morning and I wanted to make sure everything was ok. I'm sorry if I've done anything to make you mad-"

"Save it, Nick," AJ answered, glaring at Nick with hurt.

Nick gave his friend a questioning look. "J, what's going on?"

"Screw you man. I know how much you guys hate me, so just do me a favor and save your bullshit. And if you'll excuse me, I'll stop wasting you time now," AJ spat and stormed past Nick, not giving him a chance to say anything else.

"Did I miss something?" Nick asked himself dumbly as he watched AJ disappear down the hall.

*****

His mind had been blank as he fell asleep that night. For once he didn't dream any troubling dreams, or be bothered with any troubling thoughts. He wouldn't allow it. He just wanted peace for once. Nothing more or nothing less, and he had been determined to get it. Getting the restfull sleep he needed and hadn't had for so long threw him into total bliss and if he had his own way, he would have never woken up. But...

RING!

AJ groaned as he rolled away from the phone and proceeded to bury his head under the pillows, pulling the covers up to hide himself from the world. Why now did he have to be disturbed? And with all things to be disturbed by, why in the name of God did it have to be that annoying telephone the hotel had set up on the nightstand? That thing had the most annoying ring he had ever heard.

RING!

'I'm not answering you' AJ thought, squeezing his eyes shut and holding the pillows tightly over his head. He felt like he was going to suffocate from not being able to breath, but if that's how it had to be to keep from being bothered by the ringing 'torture device', then so be it!

RING!

"I'm not answering you!" came AJ's muffled voice from beneath the pillows. "So STOP RINGING!!!" Almost as if on cue, the phone became dead silent and AJ grinned to himself. In relief, he came out from under the pillow and rested his head gently on top of it, preparing to head back into his peaceful dream land.

The quietness was short lived...

RING!

"I am going to sue someone if that phone does not stop ringing!"

RING!

"I've have a good attorney!"

RING!

"Don't think I will hesitate to call him!"

Silence.

'I don't like this hotel' AJ thought as the grogginess settled over him again. He rubbed at his stinging eyes, trying to relax and fall alseep again, when...

RING!

'Holy Hell!' AJ sat straight up in bed, glaring at the annoying phone, debating on whether he wanted to answer the stupid thing. 'At this moment, I think whoever invented phones was a freaking moron! ALL I WANT TO DO IS SLEEP!!!'

RING!

AJ snatched the phone, whipping it up to his ear. "WHAT?!" he screeched into the reciever, more then peeved that he was being bothered this early in the morning. The clock on the nightstand read '7:27am'.

"Mr. McLean, this is the check-in desk calling to give you your wake-up call."

'Wake-up call?' AJ stared at the far wall for a second. "What the Hell for?" he grumbled after a second.

"One of your friends requested that we give you a wake-up call this morning, to let you know you have a meeting to attend in Conference Room 3 this morning at 8:00am," the man answered.

"Is it freaking hotel policy to keep calling the person back if they don't answer?" AJ questioned heatily.

"No sir. I'm sorry about the constant ringing, but it is hotel policy to fulfill a customer's request."

"What are you talking about?"

"Your friend requested that we keep calling you back until you answered."

'Damn you, Howie!' AJ thought with a glare. "Fine, thanks."

"Have a good day, sir."

AJ slammed the reciever back onto the base. The clock now read '7:29am'. He had only about a half an hour to get ready before he had to be downstairs in the conference room. Damn, he was really not looking forward to this one bit. He'd rather be anywhere but here at the moment, preferably at home where he could do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted.

But there was still the rest of the tour before he could go home for good. Though, they did have a five day vacation coming up soon and he did plan on spending it at home back in Florida. At least he had that to look forward to...

Upon climbing out of bed and staggering to the bathroom for a shower, there came a knock on his hotel room door. "What?" he called out, not wanting to go over and open the door.

"Just wanted to make sure you were up and getting ready!"

It was Jeff, his body guard.

"You want me to wait outside here and escort you down to the conference room in case there a hoard of insane, obsessive AJ fans?"

AJ let out a small chuckle at Jeff's sense of humor. "Nah, that's ok, man!" Then he walked into the bathroom and turned on the light. The light immediately stung his eyes and he had to shield them until they adjusted to the bright light. He shuffled over to the shower, drew back the curtain and turned the water on, making the temperature as hot as his body could withstand. Then he stripped down of his boxers and wife beater, and stepped into the scalding water.

The shower was a soothing event for him that morning and he stepped out feeling completely refreshed. Wrapping a towel around his waist, he walked out of the bathroom and headed over to one of his suitcases, pulling out a pair of boxers, dark baggy jeans, and a red Tommy Hilfiger shirt.

Ten minutes later and at exactly 7:57am, he swiped the comb through his short spiked hair and proceeded to walk out the hotel room door. The hall was completely deserted, much to AJ's pleasure, and he headed towards the elevator with no trouble at all. The ride down to the lobby was short and much to his pleasure again, there was barely anyone in the lobby, which he had to cross in order to get to the conference rooms.

Upon reaching Conference Room 3, he noticed the door was cracked open a bit and he could hear everyone talking inside. Deciding he wasn't in too much of a hurry to walk into the room, he stood outside and listened to what was being said.

"Figures he would be late."

Brian.

"Probably ignored the wake-up call."

Howie.

"And you all thought I was the one that hated to get up in the morning?"

Nick.

"I personally don't care."

Kevin.

"I told the person at the check-in desk to keep calling until he answered."

Howie.

"I went by his room before I came down and he was up and getting ready."

Jeff.

"He probably purposely didn't come again."

Brian.

AJ took in a deep breath, biting his tongue so he wouldn't burst in and start going off on Brian. He sighed before pushing the door open and walking in silently. None of the fellas said a word to him. No greeting was given as AJ took a seat furthest away from all of them.

Not even a minute after AJ had taken a seat, did Mike, the respresentative from their management team, walk in. "Hello all...sorry for once again being late," he greeted, setting his brief case atop the confrence table.

"You're not the only one who is," Brian grumbled.

'Piss off Brian' AJ thought, not even looking at him.

"What was that, Brian?" Mike asked casually, opening his brief case.

"Oh, I was just saying good morning," Brian answered lamely.

"Morning," Mike replied, and looked up. Seeing AJ, he said, "AJ! Are you feeling better?"

"What?" AJ asked, confusion masking his face.

"Kevin told me in the last meeting that you were extremely sick. I was worried," Mike explained.

"Oh..." AJ trailed, remembering how he had gotten Howie to tell that lie for him. "Yeah, I'm feeling a little better now. Thanks..."

"So you're ready for the concert tonight, then?"

"Yeah, hopefully. Do I really have a choice?"

"No," Kevin growled before Mike could say anything.

"Was I asking you?" AJ spat back before even realizing the words had left his mouth. He looked up to find Kevin giving him a firey glare. AJ nearly gulped, knowing what this could turn into.

"Don't start with me, AJ. I have no patience to deal with your attitude this morning."

"You don't have the patience? You weren't even being the one spoken to."

"That is besides the damn point."

"C'mon cuz, just drop it," Brian tried to intervene, glaring in AJ's direction. "It's not worth it-"

"Stay out of this, Brian!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Mike exclaimed, his eyes growing wide at the argument that was brewing. "Is there something wrong, guys?"

'You think, dumbshit?' AJ thought sarcastically, his eyes growing dangerously dark.

"No, nothing's wrong," Howie quickly answered, giving AJ, Brian, and Kevin a look that told them all "to shut up and act civilized during the meeting!".

"Alright," Mike replied, unsure of the answer Howie gave, but he shrugged the feeling off just as quickly. "Right, on with the meeting. This one is short today. I just wanted to go over the schedule with you guys and let you know that there has been an interview added into the schedule."

"An interview? With who and when?" Nick asked curiously, slouching in his seat.

"One of the local radio stations."

"And is it a normal go and be interviewed thing or are there extras added in?"

"The five of you will go in and do the interview like any other one and then they've asked to have you guys help host the rest of afternoon show."

"How long is this all together?" Howie asked.

"The interview itself will span over a time period of about forty-five minutes, interrupted periodically by radio commercials. Then the afternoon show will take about an hour they said, so roughly an hour and forty-five minutes all together, give or take a few minutes," Mike explained, looking through some papers in his brief case.

"And this interview is taking place when?"

"This afternoon actually."

"Thanks for notice in advance," AJ grumbled.

"Yeah I'm really sorry for the short notice. Management just slipped it in yesterday, so your schedule today is going to be very tight. But it is very important that all of you are at this interview today. It will be very good publicity."

"You're going to have to explain that better to AJ. He doesn't understand the meaning of being somewhere when he's scheduled to be there," Brian spoke as if he were saying this casually, but he was purposely being vicious and AJ had had enough.

AJ abruptly jumped up from his chair, looking ready to lunge at Brian and choke him to death. He couldn't believe how unfair they were all being towards him. "Screw you, Brian!" he spat, his fists clentching.

"I'm sorry, but no," Brian replied snidely, leaning back in his chair.

"Will both of you just stop?" Howie growled, looking ready to jump up from his seat.

"Fucking stay out of it, Howie!" AJ yelled.

"No, you need to chill out, AJ!" Howie yelled right back at him.

"Guys," Mike stated nervously.

"I don't give a damn what you all say!"

"Damnit AJ, sit down!" Kevin barked.

"Fuck you, Kevin!"

"Stop being an ass! It's embarrasing!" Howie hissed, his dark eyes turning darker then ever.

AJ paused as he heard Howie say this. "That's right Howie, that's what I am to all of you! A fucking embarassment! Well I'm so fucking sorry that that is what I am!"

"AJ, stop-"

"No! I'm tired of you all treating me like shit! I'm sorry that I'm such a damn embarassment! I'm sorry that I'm a major screw up! I'm sorry I make so many mistakes! I'm sorry that I'm not so damn perfect like the rest of you! I'm sorry that everything is always my fault! Well, stop feeling sorry for yourselves because of me, because you won't have to deal with it much longer!" AJ screamed at Howie, but directing it to all of his bandmates while Mike and the bodyguards looked on in shock. AJ took no notice to them.

"AJ-"

"No, fuck you all! I'm leaving after tonight!"

"Aje-" But Howie couldn't finish his sentence, for AJ had already stormed out of the conference room, leaving everyone with a round of shocked expressions on their faces.

Chapter 12: I Have To Get Away

AJ stormed out the back of the hotel, glad it was like the previous one they had stayed in. He let the door slam behind him as he stepped into the cool morning air and leaned his back against the wall of the hotel. His breath hung in the air as he stood there, shivering against the cold. The backs of his eyes were beginning to sting as the tears started to well up.

His mind was in a total whirl, thinking about what had just happened in the conference room. He was just as much shocked as he expected his bandmates were, for he hadn't expected anything like to happen, and he never expected to say the last thing he had said before storming out o the room. But obviously the thought had been on his mind without his prior knowledge, though.

The anger and hurt was welling within him as he continued to stand there. He rested his head against the wall as he looked up at the sky for a minute. 'God, why is this happening?' he thought, blinking back the tears. He couldn't believe how the fellas had just acted towards him. Everything would have been fine if Brian wouldn't have said anything towards him in the first place. That's what had started it.

AJ looked down again and reached into his pocket to pull out a half-full pack of Camels cigarettes. That was another thing they didn't like, the fact that he still smoked. Well, he didn't care anymore as of that moment and he pulled out a cigarette and lit it up, taking a long drag. He didn't know what he was going to do now. After threatening to leave, he didn't think he could stay any longer. It had become too much for him and he couldn't handle it anymore. Not after what had just happened.

"AJ!"

'What the Hell is it now?' his mind yelled as he took another drag. He looked to see his bodyguard approaching him cautiously. 'That's right...approach me as if I'm some sort of criminal. Jerk.'

"You alright?" Jeff asked as soon as he had reached AJ and stopped next to him. He waited a second, but recieved no answer. "AJ?"

"What?!" AJ snapped, taking another long drag. He just wanted to be left alone.

"You alright, buddy?" Jeff repeated, catching AJ's attention and showing that he was genuinely concerned.

"What the fuck does it look like to you, huh?"

"I didn't come out here to have you snap at me. I came out here to make sure you're alright. I want to know what happened in there."

"What happened in there is none of your business, Jeff. You're my bodyguard, you have no right to know-"

"You're right, I am your bodyguard. But being your bodyguard also comes with being your friend, AJ."

'I don't have any friends' AJ thought pathetically.

"And I know better then to leave you alone right now. What happened in there didn't just come out of the blue. So tell me about it."

"I don't want to. It's none of your-"

"C'mon AJ, just chill out, alright?"

AJ sighed, resting heavily against the wall and looked at the cigarette he was smoking. He looked at it in disgust and threw it to the ground, but immediately produced a fresh one, lighting it up. "It's nothing, just a stupid argument..." he lamely told his bodyguard, refusing to make eye contact.

"That in there was not just some stupid argument," Jeff scuffed, leaning against the wall also. He crossed his arms over his chest, preparing himself to having to stay there for a while until he got a suitable answer out of AJ. "What caused that to happen in there?"

"It's nothing that concerns you..."

"After just witnessing that, yes, it does concern me," Jeff told him, stepping in front of AJ. He was determined to find out what was going on in AJ's head. "Listen to me, AJ. I've been working for you guys long enough to know when arguments that occur are normal. That in there was not normal. You were seriously pissed and I've never heard you seriously threaten to leave like you did. You want to explain what that was all about?"

"I can't do this anymore. I can't handle it," AJ answered, clearing his throat of phlem roughly. He brought the cigarette back up to his lips, closing his eyes for a mere moment.

"Can't handle what?"

"Them."

"As in Brian, Howie, Kevin, and Nick?"

"You got it."

"So what's going on between you and them?"

"Too much shit."

"Obviously, but care to go intol detail?"

'You aren't giving me any choice' AJ thought hatefully. He flicked the burning cigarette to the cement and crossed his arms over his chest. "If you haven't noticed, they're all against me. They're tired of having me around and they've been giving me a bunch of shit for the past month. Everytime I make a little mistake, they ride my back about it as if I'm the only one in the world who ever makes mistakes. Especially Kevin. He's been acting like the biggest asshole as if he's got a stick stuck up his ass. According to him, everything is my fault!"

"Uh-huh..."

"Forget it. I don't know why I'm bothering to tell you."

"Maybe it's because I care to listen and you shouldn't keep it inside of you?"

"Well that's bullshit."

Jeff furled his eyebrows. "With that attitude, no wonder they're giving you crap."

"Fuck you, Jeff."

"AJ, stop."

"No, if you came out here just to give me shit like the rest of them, then fuck you too!"

"That's not what I came out here to do, damnit. I want to make sure you're alright-"

"AJ, we need to talk!" Howie's voice pierced the air as the back door to the hotel burst open and he stepped outside.

AJ backed away from the shorter latino, shooting him an icy glare. "Just get the Hell away from me, Dorough! I don't want to fucking talk to you!"

"AJ, stop! We need to talk!"

"Leave me the Hell alone!"

"Chill out, AJ! If he's taking the iniative to speak civily towards you, then grant him the opportunity!" Jeff interrupted.

"No!"

"Why are you doing this, AJ!?" Howie exclaimed, shooting his hands into the air. His eyes were narrowed in confusion at his friend as he tried to get an answer by reading his eyes.

"Why am I doing this? WHY AM I DOING THIS?!" AJ screamed, pushing Howie up against the wall and holding him there, breathing heavily. "You of all people should know why I'm doing this, Dorough!"

"Stop it!" Howie yelled as he felt a stinging sensation run up his back from being shoved up against the cold wall.

"AJ!" Jeff yelled, trying to pull AJ away from Howie, but AJ pushed him away, ignoring him.

"All of you are too damn airheaded and full of yourselves to realize why I am acting this way! I'd expect you, out of all of them, to at least understand, but no! You're just as much of an asshole as they are! None of you understand how much you all have hurt me! You all treat me like shit! I'm at fault for everything! I'm the onlyone who makes mistakes, according to all of you! Well I'm not fucking perfect!"

"Aje-"

"No, get it through your thick head, Dorough! All of you need to! I'm sorry that I'm such a fucking dissappointment!"

"Aje-"

"Shut up! I hate them and I hate you!"

"AJ!"

AJ froze as Mike yelled out to him.

"What the Hell is going on?!"

AJ could feel himself shaking as he looked at Mike for a second, then looked back at Howie, who he was still holding against the wall. The shorter Latino was shaking beneath his grasp, and his tanned face held a look of complete sorrow and regret. AJ felt a pain stab him in the chest. "I fucking quit," he whispered, letting go of Howie to see him slide to the ground in shock.

Then he stormed back into the hotel, past Mike, not giving him a chance to protest.

"Howie?" Jeff called out, bending down and placing a hand on Howie's shoulder.

"Don't let Aje run off..." Howie's voice cracked quietly as he rested his head in his hands.

*****

AJ burst into his hotel room and slammed the door shut as hard as he could, surprised that it didn't fall off it's hinges since it rattled so much. His vision had become so blurry from his sudden bout of tears that he could barely see where he was walking, but he picked up his suitcase and threw it onto the unmade bed, then began throwing random possessions into it that were strewn around the room. The quicker he got everything together, the sooner he could leave, which was all he wanted to do now.

He stormed into the bathroom and gathered up his bathing products, comb, and electric shaver and tossed them into his suitcase. He felt ready to pass out from all the dizziness he was feeling, but he kept throwing all of his stuff into the suitcase. He couldn't stop, because if he did, he knew he would never get out. And he could not stay here any longer.

The room was beginning to spin around him as he threw his Adidas Runners into the open suitcase. Things were really going overboard for him, but no matter what he did, he couldn't slow down. He was set on packing everything up and getting the Hell out of there before anyone could stop him. He was sick of people stopping him from doing what he wanted to do.

Admist all of the pounding going on in his head, he made out a distinct pounding on his hotel room door. They just didn't know when to stop, did they? No, they had to keep on bothering him! "Go...away...!" he tried to yell as he proceeded to put more stuff into the suitcase. His voice just wouldn't project like he wanted it to. It came out so quiet and scratchy, like he was going mute. And the tears weren't helping either.

The pounding on the door just persisted, but he chose to ignore it. They had to go away sooner or later. AJ would be more then pleased if it was sooner. Then the pounding stopped, and just when he was guessing that they had gotten a clue, he could hear a key card being slid into the slot and the door was thrown open.

'Ignore them!' his mind told him, 'Just ignore them!'

"Alexander!" a familiar woman's voice rang out in AJ's ears, making him pause for a slight second. Then he felt a pair of hands grab hold of his arm and spin him around, catching him as he nearly stumbled to the ground. The voice rang again. "Honey, stop."

AJ's eyes grew wide at who he saw standing there and he lost hold of his emotions further. "M-Mom?" he stuttered, his throat clogged from the tears. He immediately wrapped his arms around his mother.

"Shhh..." Denise whispered as she hugged her son tightly. She felt overwhelmed with shock at how upset her son was at the present moment. Jeff had told her on the way up about how bad AJ seemed to be, but Denise never guessed it was this bad. "Sit down, Alexander..."

"Would you like me to stay, Denise?" Jeff asked politely from the doorway as he watched Denise sit with AJ on the bed.

"No, I can handle this, Jeff. Thank-you," Denise answered, offering her son's bodyguard a small smile. She rubbed AJ's back gently and as soon as the door was shut, she spoke again. "Alexander, what's going on...?"

AJ couldn't answer his mother, shocked that she was actually there, but still paralized from the trauma he had just put himself through. He buried his face in his hands as he felt his mother wrap her arms around him again and he leaned against her for support.

"Honey, you need to calm down..." Denise cooed softly to her son, holding him tightly in her arms. "I need to know what's going on with you. Please honey, calm down..."

"M-Mom...do...do you hate me?" AJ choked out, staying hunched over in his mother's arms. He choked again as he gasped for a sufficient amount of air to fill his burning lungs.

Denise was clearly surprised at the question her son had proposed to her and she looked at him with confusion. "Why would you even ask that, Alex?" she asked quietly, hurt welling in her. She couldn't stand seeing her son in so much emotional pain as he seemed to be in right now.

"Do you?" AJ cried, pushing his mother's arms away from him as he sat up.

"No," Denise answered with determination, she didn't hesitate as she answered. "Your my son and I could never hate you. Alex, why are you asking this? What's wrong?"

"Because I'm such a screw up! I figured you hated me right along with them. You have every reason to!" AJ rested his head in his hands again, shielding his tear laden eyes away from his mother. "I'm such a screw up, Mom!"

"Don't you dare say that, Alexander," Denise scolded her son lightly as she got down and rested on her knees in front of him. She desperately tried to get him to look up at her, but he was refusing as if he was ashamed.

"It's true though. They all hate me. They don't want me around. They're tired of me and how much of an ass and screw up I am!"

"Stop crying, honey."

"My best friend said he's embarassed of me!"

"Alex-"

"I can't handle this anymore, Mom!" AJ cried out again, his body shaking as he let loose of another round of sobs. "I don't want to do this anymore!"

For several minutes he didn't say anything, nor did his mother make an attempt to. Instead, she caringly rested her hands on his hunched shoulders, as if giving him time to let his sobs run out, but they only merely slowed down. His heart was pounding in his chest with extreme intensity and he felt so light headed, that he thought with one sudden move he would pass out.

He just wanted all of the pain to go away.

"Just take a deep breath, Alex," Denise instructed as he gagged while gasping for air. She reached around and rubbed his back soothingly until he had calmed down enough and was able to take control of the sobs that were racking his body. "Honey, look up at me."

Unwillingly, AJ lifted his face from the sanctuary of his hands, not making an attempt to dry his cheeks which were blotchy and stinging, stained from the tears.

"What's bringing this on?" Denise prompted as she got up and sat next to her son on the edge of the bed again. She kept a close arm wrapped around him.

"Everything..." AJ coughed, his voice coming out scratchy.

"Everything?"

"Everything bad has just been piling up on me lately. I've been trying so hard to push past it, but I can't do that anymore," AJ explained, resting his elbows on his knees. "They've all been getting after me, they're pissed at me because all I seem to be doing is making mistakes. Now they all hate me, and-"

"Breath between your sentences, Alex."

"Sorry..."

"Now, what do you mean they hate you? Who?"

"The fellas do. I've screwed up so much lately, and I know they're tired of it. Brian and Kevin hate me right now because of something I did and I can't stand Howie, or Nick, at the moment because of what I heard them say."

"Jeff told me you quit?" Denise asked her son quietly. "After you shoved Howie against the wall outside the hotel in the back."

AJ sighed, furrowing his eyebrows at the thought. He couldn't answer her, only nodded.

"And do you actually mean that?"

"I don't think I can handle this anymore, Mom."

"You don't or you can't, Alex?"

"Both..."

"Both isn't an option, honey."

"So..."

"I never knew of it being this bad between you and the guys. Stuff has ovbiously been going wrong...why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I didn't want to bother you. I didn't want you to think of me as a big dissappointment."

"You're my son and I could never think of you as that."

"I don't feel that way."

"Alexander, listen to me. What have I always told you? No matter how tough things get, you don't give up. Especially on your dream. I don't exactly know how bad things have been, except for what Jeff was able to tell me, and I'm shocked to even hear that you've threatened to quit. Alex, that doesn't sound like you at all."

"But I can't handle this anymore..."

"You've never been the one to give up."

"But-"

"Why are you doing this now?"

"Because they all hate me..."

"I don't believe that, honey."

"They do, Mom."

"Do you truly know you want to quit, Alexander, and give up your dream? Everything you've worked so hard to accomplish for nearly the past nine years? Is that what you truly want to do?"

All AJ could do at that moment was look away in shame.

The question was, did he?

Chapter 13: Just In Time

The sun shone high above in the early morning sky, sending warm rays onto AJ's face. He stood alone, deep in thought, on his hotel room's balcony. He had wandered out there shortly after his mother had excused herself from the room, saying it was important that she go speak to someone. AJ took the time to think things over.

His mind kept wandering back to an hour earlier and the horrible argument that had erupted between him and the fellas at the beginning of the meeting. That had been all too much of a shocker for him and the fellas, as he was sure it was for Mike and the bodyguards. He hadn't even planned on that happening, he didn't want anything negative to result out of that meeting, but much to his misfortune, it had.

AJ had then stormed outside to be alone and try to calm down, but his
bodyguard, Jeff, had followed him out to have a word with him about the
argument. AJ was sure that if he would have been left alone, everything
would have calmed down a bit, but to make matters worse, Howie had come out to speak with him also. This only added to the anger he was feeling towards the Latino. Despite the fact that Howie had tried to speak civily towards AJ, he blew up at him and ended up hurting him. The look of complete fear held in Howie's eyes when AJ shoved him against the wall, was haunting him now. He couldn't believe he had done such a thing.

The more he thought about it, the more he felt ashamed. He had acted like such a fool when he went ballistic on Howie. He could only imagine how much fear Howie had been feeling when he had reacted. AJ didn't blame though. He would have been scared too. In fact, he was scared.

Scared of himself.

"Ahem."

AJ heard someone clear their throat behind him and he looked over his
shoulder, thinking his mom had come back, but shock over came him when he saw who was actually standing there. His mouth became agape.

"Care for some company?" Kevin asked, leaning against the open sliding door frame.

AJ blinked, had he heard him right? "Y-yeah...sure," he answered after a moment, a bit hesitant of why Kevin was actually standing there. He watched as the taller Kentuckian pushed himself away the door frame and walked over to lean on the railing of the balcony.

"So...nice weather, huh?" Kevin asked in an akward tone, his green eyes
scaling the cloudless sky as he refused to look in AJ's direction.

"Yeah, I guess..." AJ's tone was just as akward.

The two men standing on the balcony were thrown into an uncomfortable
silence, both unsure of what to say to the other. Niether was sure of how to react with the other's present and each found their own way of dealing with the silence. AJ fidgeted with the few rings he had left on his fingers and Kevin twisted the black bracelet around on his right wrist.

"None of us want you to leave," Kevin spoke quietly after a while, still not looking at his fellow bandmate.

AJ looked sideways at the Kentuckian, the older one looking troubled with his thoughts. No words came to AJ's lips at that time, he could only look at Kevin, wondering if he was going to continue with what he had begun to say.

"We've never wanted you to leave," Kevin finally did continued. He stared down at his hands for a minute, biting his bottom lip.

"It sure doesn't seem that way," AJ found himself answering just as quietly.

"Listen J," Kevin began, leaning on the railing so he was facing AJ as he spoke. "I'm sorry that we haven't been treaty you fairly the past month...especially me. I realized that I really have been riding your back about alot of stuff, some of which isn't even your fault. I know you're not perfect, Hell, I ain't either. So I shouldn't be giving you crap about it. And I really want to apologize for the other night. I know that what I did was uncalled for, I shouldn't have been invading your privacy like I did. So I hope you can forgive me for that."

"Is your nose ok?" AJ asked after a few minutes, during which he stood thinking about the apology Kevin had just given. He didn't know what really prompted to ask such a question, he guessed he was curious.

Kevin scrunched his nose, wincing a bit as he did so. "Heh, it's a bit sore. I deserved it though."

AJ shook his head. "It's not broken is it?"

"No, sort of sprained, but not broken. If you would have hit it any harder, you would have broken it."

"Damn..." AJ sighed. "Kev, I'm really sorry about that."

"I don't hate you for it...just like I don't hate you for anything else. You had a right to be mad," Kevin answered, his brows furling. "To tell you the truth, I would have been just as mad as you were if I would have walked in to find you sitting in my room. I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I was just having a bad day and that was the frosting on the cake, the tip of the ice berg, the-"

"Alright Kev, I get the point," AJ chuckled.

"Just wanted to make sure I got my point across," Kevin replied with a grin. "But really Aje, I'm sorry for being disrespectful towards you lately. I know I don't have an excuse."

AJ hesitated a moment, then nodded. "All's forgiven, I guess," he shrugged.

Was all really forgiven, though?

"Are you really going to leave after the concert tonight?"

The question struck AJ to the point of being speechless. He really didn't know what he wanted to do anymore, so how could he answer that? He could barely answer his mother when she asked him nearly the same question. "I...I don't know..."

"Aje, we really are sorry-"

"Yeah, I hear ya."

"We don't want you to leave-"

"I'll think about it."

"Fair enough, I guess."

Silence settled over the two Backstreet Boys again. AJ didn't know what to say to his older bandmate. Kevin had been so sudden with his apology that AJ didn't know how to reply. Sure, Kevin had said he was sorry, and AJ had said he'd forgiven him, but how quickly AJ actually him and the rest of them, if at all? AJ sighed.

"What time is the interview?" he finally asked, not being able to handle the silence any longer.

"Don't worry about it," Kevin answered, standing up straight.

"What?" Confusion spread in AJ's eyes.

"It's at 10:30, but don't worry about going to the interview," Kevin repeated in a casual tone.

"Whoa, hold up," AJ interrupted. "There's gotta be a catch to that. I can't miss the interview-"

"Just take some time off," Kevin told him, not letting him protest. "We'll tell the DJ and everyone else that you're "really sick with the flu and need to rest up before the show tonight". They'll understand."

AJ grinned. "Thanks, I really appreciate it."

"No problem, bro. Just rest up, because you really looked stressed out."

'You have no idea' AJ thought.

"I catch you later though. Rehersal starts at 11:30, don't be late to that, alright?"

"I promise I'll be there on time."

"Ok. I'll see you later then. I need to round the fellas up and then go get ready myself. See ya at rehersal."

"Yeah, bye."

Kevin gave a nod of his head and AJ watched him disappear from the balcony. He felt strange now, partly for the fact that Kevin had all of a sudden come and apologized to him. And for what cost? The apology really had been too sudden. Was Kevin actually true with his apology, AJ wondered. The apology didn't settle the uneasiness he felt inside, though. Things just kept nagging at him.

He had decisions he needed to make now. One being whether he was going to leave that night after the concert and which way he would go about doing that if that was the case. Sighing, he walked away from the railing and back into the room. His first goal would be to get some more rest since he had been granted the time off, during which he would think things over carefully.

*****

The scene going on backstage at the concert that night was the atmosphere of a hectic mess. Stage crew, venue people, and people unknown were rushing around in all directions. The Boys' opening act had finished nearly twenty minutes before and the stage crew were still in the process of changing sets for the Boys to go on. It didn't prevent the crowds defeaning screams to lower more then a notch, though. They could still be heard from backstage and so on.

While the fellas were all doing their own things to get warmed up before they went on, including Brian and Nick both running up and down the way, causing more hectic mess then needed, AJ sat off in his own corner, scribbling on a yellow legal pad, his eyebrows furled deep in thought.

It was the way he had been since the time they had finished their soundcheck that night. He was more set to being off by himself and being left alone, rather then being a social person with everyone around. Who says he needed to be running around like a chicken with it's head cut off? His name wasn't Brian, nor was it Nick. 'And thank God for that' AJ thought as he scribbled some more on the pad.

He was really going to be glad when this night was over. That day had been one of the shittiest days he had ever experienced. The crap he had been dealing with had escalated so high that he thought there was no fixing what-so-ever, but he had been wrong partly with that. He was still shocked at the fact that Kevin had taken the iniative to apologize to him and had given him the choice of staying at the hotel instead of going to the interview (the radio staff sent him a get well card). Resting up had done him a bit of good, but he was hesitant when he headed over to the venue for rehersal. Kevin had been the only one to apologize to him so far and he wasn't too confident about being around the others. Especially Brian and Howie. Nick had been the first one to come up to him the minute he walked on stage and the tall blonde apologized to him profoundly. Of course, Nick was overdoing it and he sounded like a fool most of the time, so, AJ finding humor out of it, he let Nick's apology drag on for nearly five minutes before he told his blonde friend that he got the point. The rehersal started and it wasn't until their first break and AJ was sitting on the edge of the stage chugging down a water bottle, did Brian finally come over to talk to him.

The second Brian sat down for conversation, AJ nearly fell off the stage and wanted to run, thinking Brian had only come to rip him a new one. But surprisingly, that same warm, caring, friendly look had returned to his friend's blue eyes. Brian explained again why he had gotten so upset at AJ, but apologized for not giving him a chance to really apologize. He went on to explain that he was extremely concerned and didn't want AJ to think that he hated him. That conversation had brought relief to AJ the moment it was over.

The only one who hadn't come to speak to him was Howie.

In a way, AJ didn't blame him. He had scared the living daylights out of the shorter Latino earlier that day, so he wasn't surprised if Howie was scared to death to come near him. But the fact that he actually didn't talk to him was what disappointed AJ the most. Out of the fellas, it was Howie who he needed to make up more then anything. Sure, it made him feel better that apologies had been exchanged between him and the others, but without one being exchanged between him and Howie, things would never get better.

As AJ looked up from the legal pad for a second, he realized he didn't see Howie anywhere. The Latino seemed to be straying away from any area that AJ was in. AJ sighed, that was something he didn't know what to do about and he turned the page, continuing his writing on a blank one.

"J! Hey J!"

'Energetic, high-pitched, one octive too high, squeaky voice...oh God, help me!

A big blob of blonde came bounding towards him. AJ rolled his eyes and continued writing, figuring maybe if he ignored him, then he wouldn't be disturbed much.

No such luck at that.

"J! WHAT UP, BUDDY?!" Nick proceeded to scream right into AJ's ear.

"Damn Nick, I'm not deaf ya know?" AJ glared up at him, rubbing his ear. "Though thanks to you, I might be deaf now."

Nick shrugged, that same silly grin on his face that he always got right before they did a concert. "Did you see a man-"

"There's one standing right in front of me."

"Nah, not me, 'cause I see me. I'm saying did you see a man, about 'yay high, dirty blonde hair, always has a cheezy grin, was carrying a um...um...a thingy-ma-bob in his right hand-...no, his left hand! Did ya see him?"

"Um..." AJ thought for a second, playing along with Nick's childish games. And what the Hell was he trying to say that Brian was carrying in his left hand? "Yeah, I saw him go that way." AJ pointed down the way to his right.

"Thanks, Bro!" Nick grinned, then tried to peer over at what AJ had been writing on the legal pad. "Whatcha writin'?" he asked curiously.

"For me to know and you to find out," AJ answered, rolling his eyes as he held the pad out of Nick's view.

Nick furled his eyebrows. "C'mon man, let me see."

"No," AJ answered simply. 'Cause you'll find out tonight'.

"Fine, whatever," Nick pouted, trying to get AJ to give in. When it didn't work, he stomped off, leaving AJ to start writing again.

Not even five minutes later was AJ disturbed once again. He was about ready to look up and tell Nick to leave him alone, but found Brian standing there instead. "Hey AJ," he greeted casually.

"Hey 'Rok," came AJ's reply. "Is there a problem?"


"No, no problem. Just wanted to let you know that we have ten minutes 'til showtime and we were about to gather and do the group prayer. Care to join us?"

"Always have and always will. Just give me a minute and I'll be there." AJ waited until Brian had walked off before he returned to writing on the legal pad. He quickly finished and stuffed the pad into his duffle bag, then placed the bag underneath the chair he was sitting on.

Jumping up from the chair, he hurried over to the area where the crew and the fellas were all standing, gathered to do their annual group prayer that they did everytime before the concert. He was ready to take his place when he realized Howie was standing there, his back towards him, and he quickly moved away, moving to stand next to his mother who had come to the concert that night. He was tempted to say something to Howie right then, but everyone had already begun to lower their heads in prayer, and before he could get a word out of his mouth, Brian had begun to speak.

AJ sighed quietly, there was no chance to apologize to Howie now, and later was too late.

*****

Howie was pumped from the energy at the concert as he stepped from the elevator and began walking down the hall to AJ's hotel room. He hadn't had the guts to speak with AJ at all earlier, but now that he was in a better mood, he figured he needed to speak with AJ or try to. It was already killing himself inside that him and AJ weren't getting along what-so-ever. The fact that they had started fighting in the first place was just stupid. But Howie knew it was partly his fault.

He had wanted to speak with AJ before the concert, but every time he approached him, his nerves would take over and he would have to walk away. It was mostly for the fact of what AJ had told him earlier that day, "...and I hate you!". Usually he wouldn't have been affected by those words as he had heard AJ speak them before when he was extremely pissed off, but this time, Howie could tell AJ actually meant them when he said it.

Howie knew that he would never be able to live it down if he wasn't able to patch things up with his best friend. He had to do it tonight or it would just kill him worse then it already was. Now was the perfect chance since he had nothing better to, for everyone had already retreated to their own rooms. Both of the Kentuckian cousins retreated to their rooms as soon as they returned back to the hotel after the concert, saying they had to make important phone calls to their wives. Howie didn't even want to know. Nick, on the other hand, had zonked out on the ride back to the hotel. As soon as the concert was over, he had begun to complain of a terrible headache and sinus issues. Everyone, but Howie, was quick to joke that Nick had somehow caught AJ's "flu". Nick didn't take that joke lightly and as soon as they'd arrived, he rushed up to his room and hadn't been heard from since.

Howie retreated to a stop in front of AJ's door and raised his fist to knock. He recieved no answer and knocked again, figuring that AJ hadn't heard his first knock. But when he still hadn't gotten an answer after the third knock, he reached into his pants pocket and pulled out Denise's copy of AJ's hotel room key card. She had given it to him when they returned to the hotel that night and Howie had told her that he was going to speak with AJ.

Slipping the card into the slot, the door clicked open and Howie stepped inside. From the moment the door opened, he could hear the shower in the bathroom and he knew why AJ hadn't heard his knocking. The bathroom door was shut and the light was on, so Howie took a seat on the edge of the bed to wait. His eyes wandered around the room and he came across something that seemed odd to him.

Almost ten different medicine bottles lay open on the nightstand next to the bed, as if prepared and waiting to be used. Howie arched an eyebrow at the variety of medicine he saw. There was everything from pain killers that AJ had been prescribed several nights ago after his trip to the hospital, to over the counter pain killers, to plain old tyenol. Next to the neatly layed out bottles, was several sheets of folded yellow legal paper. Howie's heart nearly stopped as he reached for the papers and began to unfold them.

As he began to read, his heart completely stopped.

To whoever shall find me:

I've come to a final breaking point in my screwed up life and I don't have enough strength left in me to keep pressing forward. I've made too many mistakes during my years and I know I've hurt too many people. The fact that I've come to the realization of just how many people I have hurt...it simply has been killing me inside. For a long time now.

I've heard people tell me and others numerous times, 'when you have problems, get help, don't try to tackle them all by yourself.'. The way I look at it, trying to get help for my problems would just be burdening people more then I already burden them in the first place. I just can't deal with that anymore. It's too much...

To simply say I'm sorry for everything wrong I've ever done would not even begin to express my true feelings of how deeply sorry I am. I'm not asking for sympathy because I have nobody to blame but myself. It was my decision to be an asshole, it was my decision to be a screw up. I could have changed it, but I was weak. I wasn't the strong person everyone saught me out to be. No. I was nothing but a coward.

I don't have much time to say what I know I need to say, so I'm going to make this quick and move it right along.

To my four brothers:

Now that I think about it, I don't even know where to begin. I never thought I would push myself so far as to be sitting here right now and writing this to you guys. The four of you really were the brothers I never had and always wished for. For that, I will always be thankful. You all did more for me then you'll ever know and what I'm doing is not your fault. Please don't blame yourselves. Brian, thanks for being the friend I always needed. I knew I could always come and talk to you when ever I needed someone to listen to me. Nick, what can I say blondie? You always found some way to act stupid (no pun inteaded) and get me to laugh. At least I could always count on you for comic relief, especially when you and Brian got together to collaborate. Partners in crime. Stay that way. Kevin, you really were like a father to me. Since I never knew my father, I looked up to you more then you'll ever know. You influenced my life and I will always be greatful for all you've done. I know you'll be a great dad when you and Kristin have kids. Howie, no matter what ever happened between us, you were the best friend that I ever had. I was blessed to know a great person like you and I haven't ever regretted having you as my best friend. I've never blamed you for anything and I don't want you to blame yourself for this. I love you like you were my own blood brother. I love all of you more then you'll ever know. Just don't forget me, that's all I ask.

To my mother:

You are the one person I looked up to more then anyone in the whole world. I have always admired you for how strong you are. Raising a kid like me must have been hard and I'm sorry for all that I have put you through. I have never heard of a mother any better then you. You always treated me well, you always tried to provide me with everything that I needed and wanted to have a good life. I could never be more thankful for all you've done, and I'm even more thankful that you never gave up on me, even during the hard times. I can't even begin to imagine how hard it must have been for you, but you somehow stood by me. I love you so much, Mom, and I'll miss you.

To all of our loyal fans:

You all have made my career as a Backstreet Boy the best time of my life! For nine years, you have stood by the fellas and I, and for that, you all defenitely are Larger Then Life! Without any of you, we wouldn't have gotten as far as we did. You were what made it possible to do what we did, you helped me live my dream and I will be forever greatful to each and everyone of you. Let the music live on!

Brian, Kevin, Nick, Howie, my mother, and the fans: I love you all so much!

Music is love; Love is music. Music is my life; I wish I could say I still love my life...

~Alexander James McLean

PS. Howie-

I forgive you, bro.

His face was completely wet with tears as he finished reading such a horrible note, the breath being knocked out of his lungs. He gasped for air as he begged his heart to start beating again. Howie was so much in shock that he hadn't even heard the shower shut off. It wasn't until the door clicked open that he realized it.

*****

AJ turned the water off and stepped out of the shower. Quickly getting dressed, he stood in front of the mirror and proceeded to run a comb through his hair several times. After he had shaved, brushed his teeth, and topped everything off with a bit of cologne, he turned the light off and walked out of the bathroom. The second he stepped out though, he was met with an awful sight. Howie was sitting on the edge of his bed, his face covered in tears and the shorter Latino held papers in his shaking hands. AJ's heart stopped, knowing what Howie had read.

His suicide note.

Chapter 14: No Answer

AJ's face turned as pale as the sheet-white color that Howie's face had just turned moments before. His heart beat rapidly as he felt his knees ready to give out from beneath him. 'This isn't how it is supposed to work out! This isn't how it is supposed to work out!' his mind panicked as he stood there. He could feel his whole body shaking now, not knowing what to say to his best friend. "H-Howie..." he stuttered, but no other words escaped his lips.

"Why?" Howie spoke for him, his voice coming out strained like it had been forced from his lips. His dark eyes were squinted at his tatooed friend, the tears springing from them as if someone had let open a dam. He wasn't holding back his tears either.

AJ felt his stomach turn at the sight of his friend gripping his "note". 'He wasn't supposed to find that yet!' his mind kept yelling, as if begging time to turn back a little and keep Howie from coming just yet. AJ was stuck now with no means of escape. His best friend had found his "note" too early and was scared out of his wits by the looks of it. He opened his mouth to answer, but nothing except a breath of air came rushing out.

He was speechless.

"Why, Alex?" Howie repeated, his eyes narrowing further then ever. He was gripping the yellow papers so hard now that his hands were turning red, his knuckles white, and the papers were starting to wrinkle. "Why, damnit?!" This time he was demanding an answer and the tone in his voice was that of fear and helplessness. It made AJ wince.

This wasn't how he had planned it to go.

"Howie-"

"What the Hell were you thinking?!" Howie cried out, standing up abruptly from the bed. AJ shrank back against the wall, feeling inferior to his friend. AJ wasn't sure how to read Howie's emotions now. They were so mixed that nothing was clear. "Answer me, Alex! What the Hell were you thinking?!"

That's when AJ's knees finally gave up supporting his weight and he slid down the wall, not once taking his eyes off Howie. The shorter Latino was closing in on him like a bald eagle closing in on it's prey. It looked like Howie was going to murder him, but the Latino did no such thing. He looked hurt and scared more then anything. AJ's heart sunk right then as he continued to look up at his friend. He didn't want to see this. This wasn't how he had planned it to go. "Just leave me alone, Howie! Please!" he begged, his voice coming out no louder then a whisper.

Wrong choice of words.

"I will not fucking leave you alone!" Howie yelled down at him. His eyes were a firey dark, and by the looks of it, he seemed to be becoming even more angrier as each second passed. "You expect me to leave you alone after this?!" He shoved the papers in AJ's face.

AJ gulped.

"I'm begging you, Howie...please!" he whispered hoarsely, his vision becoming blurry. He didn't even realize the tears were welling in his eyes. "Just leave me be to do what I was going to! Please!"

Howie let out a soul-racking sob right then as those words escaped AJ's mouth. He couldn't believe the words his friend was saying. This wasn't the AJ he knew, no, this wasn't his best friend. His best friend wouldn't be requesting such a thing from him. "A-Alex...no," he choked, losing his strong front, just as quickly as he had gained it.

"Howie, please..."

"You don't want to do this!"

"Yes, I do! I know I do!"

Howie sunk to the floor, helplessness invading every crevess of his body. "It's not what you want to do," he spoke, his voice cracking and not confident of itself. Oh how he wish he knew how to speak stronger when going through times of trouble.

"Please Howie, just go. I don't want to see you upset-"

"Me upset? What about your mother?! Did you even stop and think about her?! Or the fellas? Did you?!"

"Stop it!"

"How the Hell do you think we would feel?!"

"Shut up!"

"What about the fans?!"

"Shut up!"

"No, because this isn't right!"

"If you were my best friend, you would leave right now and let me die like I want!"

"Best friends don't let best friends kill themselves, Alex!"

"That's not true!"

"Like Hell it isn't! I'm not gonna back away and let you kill yourself!" Howie's voice was an octive lower then normal as he crumbled the "note" into a ball, squeezing it tightly in his hand. "I'm not gonna lose another family member! I already lost one sibling...I refuse to lose another! Alex, just don't do this!"

Howie's semi-speech made AJ freeze at that moment. HIs mind reeled so badly that he thought his head was going to explode and he buried his face in his hands. Gasping for breath, he just continued to let the tears flow from his now puffy eyes.

Howie jumped up from the floor and scooped all of the medicine bottles off the nightstand in a rush, then hurried into the bathroom. Taking each bottle, he dumped their contents into the toilet, ripped up the "note", and flushed it all as quickly as he could. When he stormed back into the hotel room, AJ was still sitting against the wall sobbing, and his heart broke. He had never seen his best friend in so much pain before and he, himself, had never felt so helpless during his whole life as he did that very moment. "Alex..." he said in a voice as calm as possible and close to a whisper. "Listen to me. I refuse to lose my brother. Do you hear me? I refuse. I want to help you, but I can't unless you want to be helped."

AJ's eyes remained closed as he dropped his hands away from his face. He tried desperately to grasp hold of a sufficient breath, but had no such luck. Before he knew what was happening, he was wheezing in short, sharp breaths, his eyes clentched shut tightly. "H-he-lp!" he struggled to get out, his fingers digging into the soft carpet.

'Just stay calm' Howie's mind begged him. He crouched down in front of AJ and rested a gentle hand on the tatooed man's shaking shoulder. "C'mon, Alex...just calm down..." he instructed him quietly, knowing that AJ would be in deeper trouble if he wasn't able to get him to calm down.

AJ felt Howie's hand grip his shoulder and he tried with all his might to grab some control over himself. His throat kept feeling as if it were tightening continuously and his chest began to ache. He clutched at it with discomfort, grimacing.

Howie noticed the sudden gesture and reacted promptly. "Take some deep breaths, Alex!"

"I-I can't breath!" AJ panicked, gasping, "I ca-I c-can't-"

"You have to calm down first, or you'll end up having a heart attack. So listen to me, just take a few deep breaths and try to calm down."

AJ let out a small whimper as he listened to what Howie was saying. "I t-think I am having a heart attack!"

"No, you're having an anxiety attack, but you need to calm down."

AJ let go of a racking cough as he gasped again, feeling his throat burn. 'Calm down, calm down...'. Now he was just feeling extremely light-headed. "I...argh..."

Howie winced as he sat down on the floor again. "Aje..."

AJ didn't answer, feeling too ashamed to look at his best friend.

"It's going to be ok, Aje," Howie tried to say, wanting to sound as convincing as he possibily could. He didn't want AJ to think otherwise. He had to get such a horrible act out of his best friend's mind before it was too late and he knew the time was short. He could only imagine what AJ was capable of doing to himself.

AJ finally looked up at the shorter Latino. His dark eyes showed nothing but fear and shame. "Don't tell anyone." He looked pleadingly at Howie.

"What?"

"Don't tell anyone about this."

"Aje, how can ask me that? We need to be able to help you-"

"No! Please don't tell anyone Howie," AJ begged, the tears still brimming his eyes. "Don't tell them and don't tell my mom!"

"Aje-" Howie didn't have a chance to protest further as he was interrupted by a knock on AJ's hotel room door. He bit down on his bottom lip.

"Please, Howie..."

Howie sighed as he stood up and walked over to the door without answering AJ. He grabbed the door handle and opened the door, finding a grogging-looking, red-faced Nick standing in the hall. "Nick?"

"No, it's Frosty the freaking red-nosed snowman," Nick grumbled as he leaned against the doorway for support.

"Don't you mean Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer?" Howie corrected.

"Whatever..."

Howie raised an eyebrow.

"Hey Aje?" Nick called into the room, looking for his friend.

"Huh?" came a muffled voice from near the bathroom.

Nick peered into the room further and saw AJ sitting on the floor against the wall, his head resting in his hands and his knees brought up to his chest. Nick squinted. He could see the tear stains on AJ's face and he looked to Howie questioningly and saw tear stains on Howie's face also. "Uh...what's...wrong?" he asked slowly.

"What do you mean?" Howie asked in confusion.

"You both look like you've been crying," Nick replied.

Howie saw the red flag go up. "Oh, heh...nothing's wrong. It's just that AJ came out of the bathroom to see me waiting in here and it surprised him, causing him to trip over his own two feet and fall flat on his face. We both busted up laughing so hard that it brought tears to our eyes," he quickly lied, praying with all that it was worth that Nick had bought what Howie had just said.

Nick hesitated for a moment as if thinking about it. He shrugged after a moment, then asked, "You got any Tyenol, Aje? I've got a killer headache and I need some sleep..."

"He doesn't have any!" Howie blurted almost too quickly.

Nick looked at him, almost as if he was offended. "No?"

"No, he doesn't. Go ask Bri for some."

"I tried to, but he wouldn't answer his door. I could hear him inside arguing with Leighanne over the phone about which one of them loved the other more."

"Go ask Kev."

"He said he didn't have any."

"Fine, I'll bring you some in a few minutes. Just go back to your room."

"Damn, I'm feeling the love..." Nick grumbled, but he reluctantly walked off down the hall.

With relief, Howie shut the door and leaned against it. "You can't keep it from them forever..."

"Yes I can..." AJ muttered, resting his head against the wall.

"But you need help, Aje."

"You can help me."

"I'm only one person."

"You're my best friend."

*****

AJ opened his eyes what seemed like minutes later, but when he looked at the clock on the nightstand, he realized it in fact was many hours later. Groaning quietly, he rolled over onto his back and stretched a little bit. Damn... his mind moaned as he lay there rubbing his temples with one hand. His headache had returned, much to his disliking. Then he heard a light snoring coming from a corner across the room. AJ lifted his head off his pillow and looked to see Howie resting umcomfortably in a hard chair. The shorter Latino held a look of trouble and discontentment on his face, his eyebrows furled to the most extreme. That's when AJ realized something.

Howie had spent the whole night in AJ's room.

He had truly cared enough about AJ's well-being to stay over-night with him, to make sure AJ really didn't do anything to hurt himself. For that, AJ could not even begin to explain how thankful he was. But it was just a nasty reminder of what he had almost succeeded in doing. When he woke up, he was wishing with everything that it had all been a bad dream, that he wasn't crazy enough to think of attempting such a thing a second time.

Unfortunately, he was still living the nightmare.

"Howie?" he called out, surprised when his voice came out quiet and rougher then usual. It was a bit on the hoarse side today too.

There was no answer from Howie except his light snoring.

AJ cleared his throat and sat up in bed. "Howie," he called again, hoping to wake the shorter Latino up. Recieving no answer once again, AJ got off the bed and sauntered over to the chair. With a swift movement, he shook Howie's shoulder. "C'mon D, wake up!"

"What's going on?!" Howie nearly screamed as he was shaken aake. He blinked his eyes rapidly for a second until his vision focused and he realized it was AJ who was shaking his shoulder.

"Calm down, D, it's only me," AJ told him as he let go of his shoulder and stepped back a foot.

Howie just stared at him for a second as if he were confused, then said, "Don't do that," with a glare.

"What did you want me to do? You sleep like a bear usually!" AJ replied casually as he went and sat on the edge of the bed.

"You didn't have to scare me half to death in the process of waking me up!" Howie continued to glare.

"I guess I could have thrown cold water on you like Nick has done numerous times in the past..." AJ said thoughtfully.

"Very bad choice, amigo," Howie answered in a low voice as he ran his fingers through his hair. "And thank God you aren't Nick."

"I thank Him every day for that."

Howie scrunched his nose as a loud yawn escaped his lips and he stood up, stretching. "Stupid chair," he muttered, rubbing the small of his back and kicking one of the chair legs.

"Sleep well?" AJ asked, raising an eyebrow.

"No...not at all..." Howie answered, studying the chair. "You?"

"I...no, I didn't," AJ answered, sagging his shoulders.

"How are you feeling?" Howie asked quietly after a few seconds.

"I don't know," AJ shrugged uneasily.

"That's understandable," Howie told him, but he seemed troubled with his words.

"Yeah, I guess..."

"Listen, Aje...I'm not gonna abandoned you. I am your best friend and I want to help you, but I don't think I can do that on my own. It would kill me to see you do anything to hurt yourself and I really think you should tell the fellas about last night-"

"No, I can't tell them," AJ quickly answered, looking away from Howie. He didn't want to be getting into this right now. He just wanted to...forget.

But he couldn't.

"This isn't something you can take care of by yourself. Just like you couldn't take care of your alcohol problem on your own. You need to tell them."

"I can't, Howie."

"Why not?"

"They won't understand."

"If they understood about your alcohol problem, they would most defenitely understand about this. We're talking about your life here, Aje. This is a serious problem that you can't just forget about. If you don't want to tell them, then let me. You can't just forget about it."

"No-"

*Knock knock*

AJ took the opportunity to put this conversation on hold as he heard someone knock on the door. He didn't let his gaze meet Howie's as he strode past the shorter Latino and went over to the door. Upon opening it, he had never felt so much relief when he saw who was standing there. "Oh God, Mom!" he suddenly cried out and immediately wrapped his arms around his mother's smaller frame. He had never been so happy to see her in his entire life.

Especially with all the guilt he was now feeling.

Denise wrapped her arms around her son tightly with a strange smile on her face. She looked past him at Howie and gave him a questioningly look; Howie, not ready to break his promise yet, just shrugged back in response. After a minute, Denise pulled back from her son and held him at arm's length. "What has gotten into you, Alex?" she asked with a nervous laugh as she studied his face.

There were tears in his eyes.

"N-nothing," AJ stuttered, wiping at his eyes foolishly. He hugged his mother again. "I just really missed you since yesterday and I'm glad to see you...that's all."

"I missed you too, sweetie."

Mother and son parted again.

"Good morning, Howie," Denise greeted properly.

"Good morning, Denise," Howie replied, offering her a polite smile.

"Well, I was just coming to see if you would like to come out for breakfast with me before you start your day, Alex?" Denise asked. She looked to Howie. "You're welcome to come too, Howie."

"No thank-you. I need to get a shower taken. I'll see you both later," Howie answered and excused himself from the room, almost hesitant in leaving AJ, for he was afraid. But he reminded himself that nothing could happen to his friend as long as Denise was around.

"So, would you care in joining your mother for a bite to eat this morning?" Denise repeated, smiling up at her son.

"Um...yes, I would love to. Just let me ring up Jeff to let him know-"

"Don't worry. I already took care of that. He's waiting down in the lobby for us."

"Well um...do I maybe have time for a shower?"

"Of course. Take your time."

AJ turned away and began walking towards the bathroom door when he stopped and turned back towards his mother. "Mom?"

"Yes, Alex?"

"I love you."

Chapter 15: Just A Hint

A round of laughs erupted from three out of four of the gathered Backstreet Boys as they waited around on stage for their fifth member to arrive. The only one not laughing was Nick, for the reason the rest were laughing was at his expense.

"How you managed to catch AJ's 'cold' is beyond me, Frack," Brian cackled, holding his belly as Nick let out another pathetic sneeze. Howie and Kevin imitated Brian's actions and held their bellys as they let out loud laughs also.

"It's not funny," Nick glared as he sniffled through his stuffy nose. The top of his nose had turned a beet red from all of the nose blowing he had been doing because of his sinuses being clogged. His rubbed at his nose in discomfort. "You wouldn't be laughing if you were this- A-CHOO!"

"If I was an 'a-choo'?" Brian grinned, purposely mixing up the meaning of what Nick had just said. He found it quite humorous to mess with his blonde friend's head whenever he got the chance. Now was the perfect time and he just couldn't pass up the opportunity, especially as Nick continued to sneeze.

"Shut up, you know what I was trying to say!" Nick spat, rubbing at his nose again.

"In need of a tissue, Nicky?" Howie chuckled, raising his eyebrows in amusement at their youngest bandmate.

"Don't call me that," Nick pouted, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Awww, it looks like poor wittle Nicky is going to have to take an afternoon nap," Brian cooed, reaching over and pinching one of Nick's flushed cheeks.

Nick swatted at his hand. "I'm gonna hit you," he growled.

"You'll do no such thing," Kevin answered, trying to give Nick a stern look, but it came out as a silly grin, sending Brian into a fresh round of laughter. "What are you on, Cuz? Dang!"

"Me? I ain't on nothin'!" Brian replied, his southern drawl dripping from his lips.

"That's very hard to believe," Kevin mumbled.

"I swear...on my life!" Brian said, his eyes wide. "Wait! No, that's a dangerous bet! I take that back. I swear on Nick's life!"

"What?!" Nick exclaimed, his bloodshot eyes popping open.

Howie sat back, resting all of his weight on his hands as he watched Brian and Nick arguing. He tried to let the humor take him away for awhile, but it didn't last long. He was troubled beyond belief and wanted more then anything to be able to tell someone what was eating away at him.

But he'd promised AJ, and that's what stopped him.

To break a promise was a horrible thing to do, but what was worse, was that Howie felt by him keeping the promise, he was committing something much more horrible then breaking a promise. After all, his best friend's life was in his hands right then. AJ was looking to him for the right guidance and Howie felt completely lost. He didn't know how to deal with such a thing.

After all, you don't always come across your best friend wanting to commit suicide.

How long exactly would he be able to stay silent? He knew he couldn't keep AJ's problem a secret for too long. If AJ didn't get help, Howie knew something terrible would happen to him, something Howie didn't want to ever imagine happening to his best friend. Then again, what kind of a friend would Howie be if he kept his promise? Surely not a good friend. Not in a situation such as the present one.

Howie sighed.

"Guys?" he spoke quietly, keeping his eyes glued to the stage floor.

"What up, D?" Brian laughed, finally breaking his attention away from bugging Nick to the point of insanity. The group's youngest member was growing furious by each passing second for the fact that he was losing the argument badly.

"What is it, Howie?" Kevin asked after Howie didn't answer.

Howie mumbled his question.

"Could you repeat that? I couldn't hear you."

"I said, what would happen if one of us thought about committing suicide?"

It seemed like all noise came to a screeching stop at that moment. All eyes turned to Howie, burning deep into his soul as they tried to comprehend what he had just said.

"E-excuse me?" Brian stuttered, blinking. "Did I just hear you right?"

"Yes..." Howie hesitated.

Brian looked to his older cousin with mass confusion; Kevin just looked back at him with the same look. "Howie...w-what are you talking about?" he asked, his eyes almost squinting at the shorter Latino.

Howie felt the pressure bearing down on him as his three bandmates stared on in utter confusion from the words that had just slipped from his mouth. "What would you guys do?" he repeated, knowing he was already stepping over the line. But he had to start somewhere.

Seeing that all pairs of eyes were now on him, Kevin shrank back with a tiny gulp. He should have known that he would be looked to for an answer though. "Well..." he started out quietly, rubbing his hands together nervously, "We'd be there for him, of course. And we would defenitely get him the help he needed. Suicide is a serious issue and is not to be taken lightly. Why are you asking this, D?"

"Howie, are...you...?" Nick hesitated in asking the question that Howie realized all three of them were wanting to asking.

Howie felt taken aback. He wasn't the one thinking about it, but he really did not know how to answer. "No, Nicky. Of course not."

"Then why did you ask about such a thing?" came Brian's turn to speak again.

"It's nothing," Howie answered quickly.

"Suicide isn't just 'nothing', Howie," Kevin replied. "If you're thinking about-"

"I'm not and just forget I said anything about it, ok?" Howie interrupted the older Kentuckian as he stood up. He bit down on his bottom lip as he just stood there. "I..."

"You staying to watch the rehersal, Mom?" AJ's voice suddenly drifted into the venue from backstage.

"I gotta go..." Howie mumbled and quickly hurried off, just as AJ and Denise appeared on stage, leaving the two new-comers confused and curious as to why the shorter Latino had just run off.

*****

They were nearly half way through the rehersal and long before had things started to go bad for AJ. No matter how hard he tried to sum up enough energy to push himself through the rehersal without hinting there was a problem, he failed miserably and had begun to fall behind and stumble during all of the dance routines. Howie was keeping a close eye on him the whole time, which in all, made AJ all the more stressed. He was pushing himself to the limits and his body was protesting with all it's might.

But AJ wouldn't stop.

He couldn't stop, because if he did, then the others would surely notice that there was a problem. He couldn't let them know that. As long as they kept their own minds occupied with trying to get the dance routines right themselves, then they would remain oblivious to AJ's mistakes.

Taking a quick glance at his watch, he saw that they were due for a break. Relief washed over him as he looked forward to this, but the relief didn't last long. Because his mind had become sidetracked, he ended up tripping over his own two feet and fell forward, landing flat on his face with a sickening loud thud.

The music died out at that moment.

"You alright, AJ?" Kevin called out, trying to catch his breath as they all stood there watching AJ lay still on the ground, face first into the stage. "AJ!"

"I'm...fine..." AJ answered after a moment. Finally, he pushed himself up with his hands and stumbled onto his feet, rubbing his forehead. Today was already not going his way. How he was going to get by this day normally was beyond him, and at the rate he was going, the concert that evening was going to be a disaster.

"We're all due for a break," Kevin spoke.

"I agree," Howie replied, shooting AJ a look of concern.

"I'm sorry..." AJ apologized quietly.

"No need to apologize, Aje. We all need a break," Kevin answered.

AJ sighed as he turned around and walked off without saying another word. Thank God that Kevin had called for a break right then or AJ would have just walked off without saying anything. He knew he needed to calm down more then anything. Working himself up like he was doing was doing him no good whatsoever. He didn't want to be doing any of this. He just wanted some time away to think things through, which was what he seemed to be trying to do alot lately.

He just wanted to get away from it all.

No matter what, he knew that wasn't a good idea. To be alone, that is. He needed to keep himself around as many people as possible, as to keep himself from causing any harm that could be endangering him in any way, such as his life. But by keeping around people, he would eventually have to expose his deepest problems and that was what he least wanted to do. It was bad enough that his horrible plans had gotten ruined because his best friend had intervened at the right time - it wasn't the right time for AJ.

If a small break was all AJ could get at the moment, he would have to make the best of it. Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a payphone mounted on one of the walls backstage. He was already backstage? AJ stopped and looked around, not conciously realizing that he had left the stage to begin with. Now he stood in a vacant area and several feet in front of him was a payphone. Knowing he had forgotten his cellphone back at the hotel, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a small handful of change, heading towards the phone.

For some sudden reason, his mind told him to phone up Jameelah, whom he hadn't talked to for several days. He missed her considerably and figured he would feel somewhat better just by hearing her voice; he still didn't understand how she had such a profound effect over him. All he knew was that whenever he talked to her, he felt all his stressed leave for that period of time and he actually felt happy, something he had trouble feeling lately.

Pulling fifty cents from the small handful, he slipped it into the coin slot and shoved the rest back into his pocket. For a second he stood there listening to the dial tone and trying to remember Jameelah's number. He'd always call by speed dial when he used his cell phone to dial her up. Finally, he reached out with a finger and punched into the numbers. Luckily, he'd remembered it.

One ring...

He really needed to remind himself to apologize to Jenny for the way he had acted towards her the other night on the phone.

Two rings...

If he had a chance, he would apologize during this phone call.

Three rings...

First, he just wanted to speak with Jaymee.

Four rings...

*Click* "Hey there. You've reached Jenny and Jameelah. Obviously we're not home right now to take your call, so we'd really appreciate it if you would leave us a message and call back number so we can get back to you as soon as we can. Thanks!"

AJ frowned in dissappointment. The one person he really hoped to talk to was not home to take his call. He shook his head and was about to leave a message when he felt someone grasp his arm. Shrieking out in surprise, he dropped the phone and jumped back.

"Calm down, Alex! It's only your mother," Denise laughed as she approached her son cautiously.

"Don't scare me like that, Mom."

"Sorry. I just wanted to come and tell you that break is over."

"But it just started."

"It was meant to be a short one. I'm guessing that Kevin didn't expect you to walk off."

"I needed to make a phone call."

"To who?"

"No one," AJ answered after he had hung up the phone. His mother was already dragging him back out onto stage. "I'll just call back later."

*****

"Well, we've got several hours to spare until we have to be back here for the show," Brian noted as the group sat around the middle of the stage in a small circle. Rehersal had ended several minutes before and they had been granted a well deserved relaxation time. "We have nothing to do during those few hours, so why is it so hard to come up with some plans?"

"Maybe because it's really rare that we ever have spare time between rehersals and shows?" Nick spoke up, laying on his back with his hands folded behind his head.

"True that, Frack," Brian nodded.

"You know, you really are retarded sometimes," Nick replied, shaking his head with embarrassment. "I don't know about the rest of you, but I am going back to the hotel and I'm going to sleep."

"You both are retarded," AJ grumbled with a playful gleam in his eyes.

"Speak for yourself, stupid," Nick teased.

"Shut up," AJ glared.

"I was just joking, so don't take it personal. Geez..." Nick answered, rolling his eyes.

"Yeah, whatever," AJ muttered, looking away.

"Alright, before we start fighting again," Kevin interrupted, "Does anyone have any plans?"

"Yeah, go back to the hotel and sleep," Nick answered right after he coughed. He held his hand up to his forehead and frowned for the fact that his fever had risen.

"Besides that..."

Howie stood up, taking the opportunity to get away from the group at that moment. He went in search of his water bottle, which led his search backstage to where he found the container of H20 sitting atop one of the tables strewn about. Taking ahold of the bottle, he hopped onto the table, wincing as the table groaned under his light weight. 'Not very sturdy' he thought as he sat on the edge.

'They probably think I'm the crazy one for mentioning that certain subject earlier' his mind began to wander as he sat there. He scolded himself. AJ wasn't crazy. Confused? Most likely. Scared? Defenitely. But crazy? It takes alot before a person can actually go crazy and Howie didn't think his friend would ever reach that stage. Out of anyone, Howie figured AJ would be the least likely one to ever go crazy.

If that was the case, then what was going on with AJ? Why was this happening right now? The thing Howie hated about his best friend was AJ was always a master at hiding his true feelings. It was like he didn't believe in letting anyone know what was really going on in that head of his. Thus of which kept Howie from properly tracing AJ's problems back to the very beginning.

But one thing was for sure, though. The most recent of AJ's problems started as soon as Sarah walked out of AJ's life. That had been the new breaking of it all. Finally AJ had seemed to be able to start putting his life together, the way he deserved to have it, until Sarah called everything off.

With no explaination.

'She never did give a reason why' Howie realized as he thought about it more.

The break-up on Sarah's part crushed AJ's heart into a million pieces. Howie had never seen AJ so crazily in love with someone before, not even when AJ had been together with Amanda. There wasn't the same connection with her as there was with Sarah. That was just one reason why AJ had been so devestated. Then again, he depended on Sarah for the support he couldn't get from the fellas or his mother, support that he could only find in Sarah. He had been ready to promise his life to her, exchange those important vows in front of everyone, so they could all see just how much he loved this woman.

And that had been the truth. AJ really had loved Sarah with all his heart and soul. Sure, many in a relationship could say that about their mate, but a small percentage actually truly mean it. AJ had had his fair share of girlfriends, and many a time did he say he loved a few of them with all his heart and soul. But the thing that set Sarah apart from all the others was how AJ was whenever he was around her. His eyes would just light up whenever she walked into the room. All of his worries could be washed away in a single moment everytime he saw her. He could be having the worst of days and all he needed was her to feel better.

If anything, Howie could come to the conclusion that it almost seemed like Sarah leaving AJ had destroyed him in some ways. No matter how hard the rebel tried to cover it up, he hadn't been the same since that day. And how Sarah could have acted so cold by leaving without granting AJ anything more then a simple 'good-bye', Howie would never understand it.

"Hey D, you back here?" Brian's voice suddenly traveled backstage.

Howie took a swig of his water before he answered, "Yeah" and scooted further back onto the table so his back was resting against the wall.

Seconds later, Brian appeared backstage and spotted Howie sitting against the wall on the table. He strolled over to him with his hands in his pockets. "Just chillin'?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Any idea of what you're going to do during the free time before the show?"

"Nope. You?"

"No, they're still debating it out there."

"Figures."

"Is everything alright with you?" Brian suddenly asked.

Howie froze, looking at Brian with a questioning gaze. "Yeah, everything's fine. Why do you ask?" he tried to answer normally.

He knew one of them was going to inquire about what he had brought up earlier.

"You don't seem so sure of that, D."

"Everything's fine."

"You know you are a bad liar?"

"So I've been told since the group started."

"Then why are you trying to lie right now? I know something is going on, and I know it has to do with what you asked earlier," Brian explained, looking deep in thought as he tried to form what words he wanted to say. "Howie, if you're thinking about suicide, we can get you help. We're here to support you, so you don't need to be afraid to tell us."

"I'm not thinking about suicide, Brian," Howie snapped, frustration settling in his mind.

"Then why would you ask such a thing earlier?"

"It's nothing. Just forget about it, alright?"

"No! Howie, suicide isn't 'nothing'. Why did you-"

"Because AJ was going to commit suicide last night!" Howie blurted as he slammed his water bottle onto the table. It toppled over, spilling it's contents onto the table and off onto the hard floor.

Brian stumbled backwards as the words left Howie's mouth. "W-what?" he stuttered, staring at the shorter Latino in disbelief. "A-AJ was going to do w-what?"

"He was going to commit suicide...last night after the concert," Howie explained in a quiet voice as he kept looking Brian right in the eyes. He winced at the amount of shock that filled the Kentuckian's eyes and he continued. "I went to go talk to him so I could make ammends with him. He was in the shower when I went into his room so I decided to wait until he finished, and that's when I discovered his suicide note."

"Howie, you can't be serious..." Brian was shaking his head, not wanting to believe what he was hearing his friend say.

"Trust me, Brian, I am. I don't ever want to read anything again like I read in that note last night. H-He was going to overdose on pills. He had them all layed out on the nightstand, waiting for him for when he finished with his shower."

"Oh my God...b-but, why?"

AJ, who had just walked backstage moments before to let Brian and Howie know of the plans for that day, spun around and bolted from the area, knocking over a few stacked boxes in the process. Brian and Howie looked just in time to see AJ's retreating form dissappear, and before either could call out to him to stop, he was gone.

Chapter 16: Missing

"Shit, shit, shit..." Howie murmured under his breath as he hopped down from the table. He hadn't even realized that AJ had been standing there the whole time and had overheard everything Howie had told Brian. Things had totally just gone wrong. Panic rose from deep with in as he looked at Brian frantically. Brian was giving Howie the same look.

That's when Kevin came bursting backstage.

"Do either of you know why AJ just bolted from the arena without saying anything?" their oldest bandmate interrogated immediately, his dark eyebrows furled in frustration. He eyed both of them seriously, waiting for an answer. But when he noticed the looks of an immense amount of disstress on both of their faces, he paused, looking at them as if he was almost afraid to know the answer that lay ahead.

"There's something wrong with AJ, Kev," Brian answered, being the first one to speak.

"Obviously, since he seemed to be extremely upset just a second ago as he left," Kevin nodded, not getting the full picture of just how upset their rebel brother actually was. When silence took over the backstage area again, on instinct, Kevin felt a sickening feeling grow in the pit of his stomach. He narrowed his eyes at his cousin and Latin friend. "What's going on, guys?"

Howie looked up from the floor to find two pairs of eyes frozen on him. Kevin was looking at him, his green eyes demanding an answer from the shorter Latino, and Brian was looking at him to give the answer. He took in a short breath as he focused all of his attention on Kevin, preparing to relay again about what had happened the night before. Obviously he was taking to long to answer, for Kevin spoke up again, nearly causing Howie to jump back.

"What's wrong, Howie?" Kevin questioned calmly.

"Aje was going to commit suicide last night," Howie answered quietly, almost near a whisper.

"Excuse me?" Kevin's eyes bulged open in shock as Howie spoke.

"I went to go speak with him so we could make ammends, but he was in the shower when I walked into his room, so I decided to wait. And that's when I discovered...I discovered his suicide note," Howie explained. He shivered every time he thought about the words he had read in that note.

Kevin's mouth became agape as he stared at Howie in shock. "How was he g-going to...going to,um..." Kevin stuttered, not being able to force the right words in his mouth.

"By overdose," Howie answered, knowing what Kevin was trying to ask.

"Shit," Kevin swore, catching Brian and Howie by surprise this time. "Oh no..."

"He flipped and ran off just now because he overheard me telling Brian about it...after I promised...not to tell anyone," Howie hesitated towards the end.

"You weren't going to tell anyone?!"

"It's not that I wasn't going to tell anyone, I was just trying to think of the right way and time to tell-"

"Do you even realize how serious this is, Howie?"

"I'm not stupid! Why do you think I brought it up earlier?!"

"Hey!" Brian interrupted with a glare on his face. "Now is not the time to start arguing. What are we going to do about AJ?"

"He shouldn't be alone right now. I'm afraid to think of what he's capable of doing."

Kevin rubbed his temples, trying to think calmly and rationally. "Ok, listen up. This is what you are going to do. The two of you round up Nick and go find Denise. Let her know what's going on and get her back to the hotel and wait there until I get back with AJ. I'm going to go grab Jeff and have him go with me to look for AJ. Don't leave the hotel, just stay there."

"Who's room?"

"AJ's," came the first room off the top of Kevin's head. "You still have the extra key to his room, right Howie?"

"Yes."

"Did you see where Denise went?" Brian asked his cousin before the three of them parted their own seperate ways.

"No. Just go find her, and quick," Kevin answered before he turned around and hurried off.

*****

His lungs were burning as he continued running, as if running like his life depended on it. He hadn't stopped once to catch his breath because he didn't want them to catch up to him. He shouldn't have bolted like he did, and he knew it, but now that they knew what had happened, he didn't want to stick around and find out their reaction. He had to get away, and that was exactly what he was doing...again.

He was running away from his problems just like always.

He should have figured that Howie would blurt it out sooner or later, he just didn't expect him to do it so soon. That's why when he had gone backstage to get Brian and Howie and heard them discussing it, he freaked out and just ran. He couldn't stop himself from leaving if he had wanted to. His mind took over his senses and carried him away before he could think rationally about the situation.

How he would be able to pick himself up again after this was beyond him. He didn't even know if it was possible. He was afraid to go back to the others, afraid of what they now thought about him. They had to figure he was crazy if he tried to attempt such a cowardly act. Surely they were going to lock him up in a mental institution for good for this. And his mother... she wouldn't even hesitate to give her consent for that.

Well, maybe that's exactly what he needed.

Somewhere off to the side of him, he could hear the gentle lapping of water on rocks. Without even realizing it, he had run himself right into the same waterfront park as he had the other night after arguing with Howie. 'How ironic' he thought as his shoes continued to slap again the cement path he was traveling along.

His feet then left the pavement as he went jogging down a small rock path leading to the beach below. The wind blew into his face, trying to prevent him from going any further, but it had no effect on him whatsoever. He just pressed on harder until his feet could carry him no longer and he took a terrible dive forward into the rough sand, landing hard on his knees. He cried out from the pain that suddenly shot up his legs and just sat there, hunched over.

Everything just continued to hit him with a full on force as he doubled over, gagging out on the bout of sobs that was also attacking his body. His hands were pressed tightly to his face, trying to hide the salty tears of which soaked through the bandage still covering his right hand. He gasped out for a breath, trying to grasp hold of some sort of control over the situation.

He just felt so helpless.

"Are You trying to torture me? Huh? Are You?!" he screamed out, prying his hands away from his face. His eyes darted Heavenward, as if expecting a ray of answer to appear right out of the sky. The sky only darkened, as if to mock him. Ugly grey clouds slowly began to drift into place, casting a depressing shadow down upon the confused man.

"What kind of God are You?!" he continued to scream, shouting accusations towards the highest being. He felt the breeze flowing about him pick up a bit and every few seconds he would feel a small wet drop come in contact with his skin, sending shivers up and down his spine.

"Why are You letting this happen to me? I thought You helped people! Well I need help and I haven't seen any coming from You! What am I doing wrong in this world?! Why won't You help me?!"

More consistantly were the drops of rain starting to fall now, mixing in with the tears staining his face. He squinted his eyes at the darkening clouds, not wanting to back down under their angry glare. "Are You the one that's making me go crazy? Are You the one that keeps on making me do this? Do You want me to die?!"

A flash of lightening and a crack of thunder caused a down pour to come barreling down on him, almost instantly soaking his clothes.

"Do You want me to die?! Do You?!"

A bright flash illuminated all of his surroundings.

"Please God, I don't want to die..."

*****

Nick followed closely behind his two bandmates as they hurried down one of the back halls of the arena. "Dude, what is going on, Brian?" he asked for a third time, rubbing at his nose with the back of his hand. He felt frustration get the best of him as he still got no answer. He felt the confusion; only moments before had Brian and Howie come and collected him, shortly explaining that they needed to find Denise and get back to the hotel quickly. He knew no more and knew no less. "Brian?"

"We'll discuss it once we're all together back at the hotel," Brian answered like he had said earlier. "Denise? You around?"

"Why won't you just tell me now?"

They reached their dressing room and Brian pushed the door open, quickly walking inside. He looked around before calling out again, "Denise?"

"I'm right here, Brian," Denise's voice answered from out in the hall. The three Backstreet Boys stepped back into the hall as Denise walked out of the bathroom.

"C'mon, we need to get back to the hotel," Brian explained as he took Denise gently by the arm and began leading her down the hall in the opposite direction then they all had come.

"What's going on?" Denise asked with confusion as she followed Brian without any resistance. She looked back to Howie and Nick who were following a few paces behind them, but she recieved no answer from either of them. "Brian, what's going on?"

"We just need to get back to the hotel. I'll explain everything when we get there," Brian answered, knowing that it was better to not speak anymore of it at the venue. It was too risky to have someone unwanted to find out what was going on. Being in the privacy of a hotel room would be a safer place to talk.

Denise chose not to question it further as she allowed Brian to lead her out to the Boys' van that was waiting out back of the venue for them. 'Kev must have notified them to be waiting' Brian thought as he opened the door and had Denise, Howie, and Nick climb in before he, too, climbed in himself. The van driver pulled away from the venue as soon as the door was shut and silence overcame the interior of the vehicle. Nobody said a word to one another as they traveled along the road that lead back to the hotel they were staying at. Each one was lost in his or her own thoughts, Brian and Howie thinking similar thoughts while Denise and Nick thought similar thoughts.

Twenty minutes later, the van was pulling up in back of the hotel, steering clear of any possible run-ins with a group of fans. After all, the boys had left in the Tourbus that morning to head over to the venue. If anything, the fans were still expecting them to be using that as their source of transportation that day. That's why it was useful to have a van handy at all times. Quick transportation and hassle-free.

Quickly, they climbed out of the van and headed inside, wanting to get up to their respective floor as quickly as possible. Nearing AJ's room, they passed one of the hotel's maids, but luckily for them, she was older in age and most likely not some crazed or obsessed fan as she only offered them a polite smile and went along her way. Upon reaching AJ's hotel room door, and as Howie was reaching into his pocket for the extra key card, Denise reached out to stop him.

"Why are we here?" she asked, forcing his gaze to look with her's.

Howie felt a lump rising in his throat as he looked at Denise. He didn't know how to answer as they hadn't told her anything about what was going on with AJ.

"I thought Alex was with you guys at the venue. At least, that's where he was the last time I saw him a while ago."

"I...uh...he..."

"What's going on, Howard?" Denise demanded, her eyes narrowing at her son's best friend.

Howie gulped silently.

"Is something wrong with Alex?"

"Just come into the room and we'll explain," Brian answered, coming to Howie's rescue. He watched the relief wash over the shorter Latino's face and they all filed into the dark room. Switching on a light, Brian motioned for Denise to sit down on the edge of AJ's bed, but she made no move to do so. Instead, Nick took the invitation and collapsed onto the bed, carefully laying his head against the fluffy pillows. Brian frowned, that was another problem he would have to be dealing with. His best friend was becoming extremely sick.

"So start explaining," Denise immediately prompted, casting a worried glance at Nick. "Why did you all of a sudden insist that we come back here and wait in my son's hotel room? Is there some sort of problem?"

"...Yeah..." Brian hesitated.

"Then what is it? Because I think I have a right to know if it pertains to my son."

Brian bit down on his bottom lip, looking to Howie for help. The Latino looked back at him with the same helpless look on his face. Brian was about to look to Nick for help, but remembered that his blonde friend had no idea what was about to be told. Finally, Brian sighed and took in a deep breath as he prepared to break the ice.

But Howie beat him to it.

"Has Aje ever shown any signs of being suicidal or thoughts pertaining to it?" came the nervous question near the door where Howie stood, leaning against the wall. He was trying to focus his attention on Denise, but he was afraid to look directly at her, afraid of her reaction.

"Excuse me?" Denise gasped, looking at Howie with shock. "What kind of question is that?"

"Has he?" Howie pressed.

"No, and that's just completely absurd. He would never do that. Howie, why are you asking such a thing?"

Brian could see Howie boiling under the pressure. "Because...Denise, AJ was going to commit suicide last night," he answered quietly. He watched as Denise's hand lifted slowly until it was covering her mouth, as if placed there to conceal a scream or gasp of shock.

"W-what do you mean he was going to?" Denise stuttered, her voice waivering.

"Howie walked in on him before he could."

"Howie?" Denise looked to him for unwanted conformation.

"It was after I got the key card from you. I went to go speak to him so I could make ammends with him after what had happened. He was in the shower when I walked in, so I sat down to wait and that's when..." Howie hesitated. "...When I discovered his suicide note..."

"J-J tried to commit suicide?" Nick stumbled over his words as he was now sitting up on the bed after hearing all that was said.

"He was going to, Nicky."

"Where is he right now?" Denise asked, trying to keep hold of the grasp she had on her composure. "Where is my son?"

"We...we don't know," Brian answered.

"What do you mean you don't know? He was with you guys not too long ago! Where did he go?"

"We don't know, but Kev and Jeff went out to look for him nearly 45 minutes ago. I'm sure they will be here any minute with-"

There was a sudden knock on the door at that moment, cutting Brian off from finishing his sentence. He nodded to Howie for him to open the door, and when the shorter Latino obliged, they were met with the sight of a soaking wet Kevin, standing there drenced in the doorway, shivering slightly. There was one thing wrong with that picture, though...

Kevin stood there alone.

Chapter 17: Hiatus

Kevin walked into the hotel room in a sullen manner, water dripping from his hair and down his temples. His emerald eyes were clouded over with disstress of which he was trying to hide. He was visibly starting to shake more now from the cold air that was in the room, AJ had had the air conditioning on, and his clothes were matted to his body. He swallowed as he looked to his three remaining bandmates in the room, but before he could speak outloud, Denise hurried over to him.

"Where is he, Kevin?" she asked, her eyes filled with that of motherly concern. Kevin knew she had been told what had happened and he only wished he could tell her good news, but he couldn't. Denise's eyes begged with him to answer. "Where is Alex?"

"I don't know," Kevin answered unwillingly, running his fingers through his hair. "We're still looking-"

"How could you not find him?" Denise accused, tears suddenly springing to her eyes.

Kevin felt his heart sink as he saw the panic rising in Denise's eyes. He could only begin to imagine the worry Denise was feeling at that very moment, but he could never fully understand it. It was something only a mother could extend to feeling. "Just stay calm," he said softly, gently resting his hands on her shoulders. "Jeff and the other bodyguards are still out looking for him, but they made me come back here and wait. They're going to find him, Denise, I promise."

"Please God, let them..." Denise whispered, nodding.

"Here, Kev...take this," Brian said, offering Kevin an ivory white towel to try to dry off with. "Let me have your room key and I'll go get you a pair of dry clothes to change into."

"Thanks, Bri..." Kevin answered gratefully, reaching into his pocket for the key card to his hotel room. Finally finding it, he handed it over to Brian and his cousin was gone from the room in a split second. Sighing, Kevin collapsed into one of the chairs in the room, using the towel to somewhat dry his hair. He swiped it over his face then proceeded to just stare at the floor. The silence in the room was beginning to make him feel uneasy.

"So what are we supposed to just do? Sit around here and wait?" Howie asked as he began to pace around the room. His eyebrows were set into a deep furl, his eyes filled with mixed emotions.

"There isn't much else we can do, D," Kevin answered quietly as he watched Denise sitting on the edge of the bed out of the corner of his eyes.

"We could be out there looking for him!" Howie raged, stopping shortly to glare at his older bandmate. The shorter Latino proceeded back to pacing thereafter.

"Jeff said it would be a better idea if we stayed here and waited to see if AJ returns on his own. It's better that it will attract less attention if we aren't out there with the guards," Kevin tried to explain.

"It's better? How can you say that? It's terrible on our part to just be sitting around here not knowing where he is!"

"Just calm down and think rationally, D. I want to be out there looking for Aje just as much as you do, but if we were to be doing that, it would be likely to cause attention and possibly more unwanted problems that could harm AJ's well-being. I agree with Jeff that we need to stay here incase he comes back on his own. Would you rather Aje return here and find himself alone because none of us are here?"

Howie sighed and shook his head. "No," he whispered, resting his back against the wall. "I'm sorry..."

"I should be out there looking for him," Denise spoke quietly as she rested her hands in her lap.

Kevin looked at AJ's mother with remoarse. "You're the one he's going to need to see the most when he gets here," he told her, knowing she was desperate for comfort at the moment.

"Why did he want to do this?" Denise asked quietly to no one in paticular. Her emotions were running wild with her.

'I wish I knew' Kevin thought, feeling a bit of failure coarse through him. He knew deep down that him and the fellas had a part in this. AJ already had enough problems building up on his shoulders and with the negative treatment coming from the fellas, Kevin realized, it didn't help the rebel at all. It only made him feel worse. Kevin felt a ball forming in his stomach. He and the fellas had helped in dragging AJ down into a state of deep depression, and they had been too blind to realize the damage they were doing.

And now Kevin couldn't help but wonder, was it too late?

'Please God, let him return safely', Kevin prayed silently as he rested his head in his hands and closed his eyes, muting his ears to Howie's sighing, Denise's quietness, and Nick's constant coughing. He let out his own sigh. 'Don't let anything happen to him, please God, just bring him back here safely...'

*****

Brian sat on the windowsill in AJ's hotel room, his forehead resting against the cool glass as pelting drops of rain continued to beat against it. The weather outside had turned from dreary to just plain nasty. The wind had picked up a few notches and was blowing furiously at the trees and anything in it's path. The rain was coming down harder then ever now and was falling every which way as the wind carried it. "It's getting worse out there," he stated quietly, bringing his forehead away from the glass. He turned his attention away from the window and looked around the room.

Nobody had spoken much over the past two and a half hours that they had been waiting for the return of their friend and fellow bandmate. They hadn't heard any news that seemed to lift their spirits and they all tried to find ways to spend their time in a productive manner. Brian sat at the windowsill, spending his time praying ever so often, Denise tended to Nick who seemed to be getting worse by the minute, Howie had volunteered himself to get ahold of management, and Kevin kept in contact with Jeff every few minutes for updates on whether or not they had found AJ.

So far, no luck.

"It's defenitely getting worse out there," Brian spoke again, agreeing with his first statement and following it with a nod. He looked out the window again 'C'mon AJ...where are you?'

"Knowing our luck, it's probably a hurricane coming," Nick croaked, his throat having become scratchy and his voice hoarse. He rested his hand on his forehead as he layed there atop the bed.

"Well, the weather isn't getting better. That's for sure," Brian replied, stating the obvious.

"Why don't you try to get some sleep, Nick?" Denise suggested as she moved Nick's hand away from his forehead and felt it with her own hand. She frowned, he had an extremely high fever. Trying to keep her mind occupied and trying to keep it from worrying herself sick about not knowing her son's whereabouts, she had set herself into a motherly mode towards Nick, caring about the fact that he had fallen ill.

Nick shook his head. "Not possible until I know if J's ok..." he answered.

"Yeah, I'll let them know," Howie spoke into his cellphone, sitting uncomfortably in one of the chairs. "Uh huh...yeah, we'll be sure to get back to you on when we want to make this concert up. Yeah...I'll tell Nick you said that. Anything else?....Oh sure, yeah, that's no problem. Alright. We'll get back to you as soon as possible. Bye." With those last words said, Howie switched his cellphone off, tossing it to the table in front of him. He winced as it clanged loudly when it came in contact with the table's surface.

"What did management have to say?" Kevin asked.

"They're going to allow us to cancel this concert just this once according to the fact that Nick is very ill and we feel we need him in the concert. Therefore, since he can't perform, niether can we," Howie explained. "Of course I didn't let them know about the other problem, though..."

"Good. They don't need to know," Kevin answered, nodding.

"Will they eventually?"

"That will be decided later, I suppose."

"I guess so..."

"Where is he?" Brian muttered to himself, staring out the window deep in thought.

"I'm sure he and the guards will come walking in any minute," Kevin answered, trying to sound as convincing as possible. He, himself, wanted to believe his own words more then anyone in the room, but he knew they were of false content. He stole a quick glance at his watch...two hours, fifty-five minutes, and counting. Where could AJ have possibly gone?

"It's been nearly three hours, Kev. We should be out there looking-"

"We're staying here. Plus, it would be stupid to go out in that weather now if you're not already out in it."

"But it's not doing us any good to be sitting in here doing nothing."

"I'm sure we'll get an update soon-"

*RING!*

Both Kentuckian cousins jumped at the shrill ringing.

"Kev, your pants are ringing..." Nick mumbled.

"See?" Kevin tried to smile at his cousin. He reached into the cargo pocket on his pants leg and pulled out his cellphone. Looking at the caller id screen, he recognized the number as Jeff's cell and his heart skipped a beat. With an attempt of a hopeful look, he flipped the phone open and brought it up to his ear. "Jeff?" He was answered by an earful of static and he had to hold the phone away from his ear for a second. "Jeff, you there!?"

"Yeah, I'm here, Kevin," came Jeff's answer. "Sorry about that. This storm is screwing up my phone's reception."

"Did you find him?"

Everyone froze where they were and locked their gazes on Kevin, holding their breath as they waited for a positive answer.

Kevin heard Jeff pause on the other end and Kevin's heart sank. "Jeff?"

"Not yet, Kev. We're still looking. There's only so many places he could have gone in this city, and we've covered over half so far. So I'm taking it that he hasn't returned to the hotel...?"

"No..."

"Alright, I'll call you back with an update if we find him. Just stay put, ok?"

"We will..." Kevin flipped his cellphone shut and stuck it back in his cargo pocket with a small sigh. He looked up to find everyone looking at him with hopeful looks, but all he could do in return was to shake his head and say, "Not yet."

This was becoming, by far, one of the biggest problems they had ever encountered. None of them had ever gone missing before and Kevin had never had to deal with a person very close to him become missing. The situation left him feeling clueless and helpless because he didn't know how to fix this problem. He was used to be looked to for an answer, but this time he was unable to produce one. He wanted to look to someone for an answer to this problem, but there was no one for him to look to. Because of this, Kevin knew, things were beginning to fall apart. One thing was for sure.

Backstreet was officially on hiatus as of that moment.

Chapter 18: A Safe Return

Four hours had come and gone with nothing new to be told. Jeff had reported back twice more saying they were having no luck. Reluctantly, he suggested to Kevin that if AJ hadn't returned by the next hour, then they we're going to need to call the police and have them get involved. Kevin knew Jeff was probably right with that, but by far, he did not want to get the police into this. The trouble it would cause would be beyond comprehension. It would get the Boys in deep with management, it was basically garuanteed that the press would find out about it which led to the fans eventually finding out not too long after. Kevin could only pray that AJ would come back before they had to resort to using law enforcement.

The fact that AJ had been gone for over four hours was more then nerve racking. Especially since he hadn't once called in to tell everyone that he was ok. In the past, AJ had run off on several occasions after heated arguments, but it had been his way to get himself to calm down. Still, he would always check in if he decided to stay out, or he would return shortly after he left. Being gone this long without phoning anyone was not like him at all.

Suicide was not like him at all, either.

"What's the time, Howie?" Kevin asked, not even bothering to look down at his own watch. He was too much distracted by his own thoughts to do such a thing.

"4:47," came Howie's reply.

Kevin sighed, standing up. "Alright," he began. "Can I borrow your jacket, Cuz?"

"Why?" Brian asked with hesitance as he slowly took his jacket off.

"I'm going out to look for him."

Howie jumped up as if Kevin had spoken a sin. He shot him a small, unsure glare, reaching for his own jacket. "I'm going with you."

"No, you're staying here," Kevin answered with defiance.

"Bullshit, Kevin. We've sat around here waiting long enough. He's my best friend and I'm going with you to look for him."

Kevin was about to argue, but realized he had no strength or patience to start an argument with the shorter Latino. He also knew that whenever Howie used such language, there was no chance in him backing down for what he was standing up for. So Kevin relented. "Fine," he gave in after a minute of trying to stare Howie down, unsuccessfully of course. "Brian, if he isn't back by five o'clock, phone the police. Understood?"

"You speak to me as if I'm a five year old," Brian replied.

"Do you or do you not understand?" Kevin asked impatiently.

"Yes, I understand..."

"Denise?"

"Yes?" Denise asked quietly as she looked away from holding a cold wash cloth to Nick's forehead.

"Just sit tight...we'll be back."

Denise nodded.

"Alright, Howie...let's go," Kevin instructed and began to follow Howie over to the door. But before they could even reach it to leave, the handle began to move, causing the two Backstreet Boys to freeze in their spots. Howie shot a look to Kevin, and before the Kentuckian could voice his thoughts, the door was slowly pushed open.

A ghastly looking figure stood on the other side as the door opened completely. It took everyone a second before they actually realized it was AJ who was standing there. His face was void of all emotions as he stared directly ahead of him. His dark eyes were vacant and clouded over, as if his body was an empty shell. He was visibly shaking harder from the cold then Kevin had been, but the shaking didn't seem to phase him at all. It was as if he wasn't even there at all.

"Aje?" Howie called out uncertainly, taking a step towards his friend. Only silence answered him.

Denise suddenly appeared at Howie's side, staring at her son with shock and concern. Her eyes had filled with unshed tears, brimming her eyelids and threatening to spill at any given second. "Alex, honey?" she called, trying to grab his attention that wasn't even there. "Sweetheart, look at me."

AJ's eyes slowly came alive as he barely adjusted their position so that he was looking at his mother. Water dripped down his temples and onto the floor from his soaking clothes. The legs of his silver Nike warm up pants were caked with dirt, or wet sand if you looked more closely. His white wife beater was soaked completely through and hugged tightly to his skin, as well as adorning several dirt stains on the front. "M-Mom..." he choked after several minutes of silence. Everyone was surprised of how his voice barely projected and it seemed to be an octive or two higher then normal for his range. He didn't allow his mother a chance to answer, or rather his shaking legs couldn't hold up his weight anymore and he sunk to the floor, letting out a strangled cry.

"Alex!" Denise panicked as she rushed to his aid and dropped to her knees beside him. Immediately, she pulled him into her arms and hugged him tightly against her chest, ignoring the water from his soaked clothes that was seeping through her shirt. She felt the tears flowing freely down her cheeks as her son weakly wrapped his arms around her also. It was then that Denise caught sight of how pale her son's skin was. He didn't hold much body heat because he had been out in the cold for so long, which was why he was shivering so badly. "Someone get some towels!"

"Brian, get some towels!" Kevin ordered when nobody moved as they were paralized in shock. Watching his cousin hurry into the bathroom, he went over and bent down next to AJ and Denise. "Aje...c'mon buddy, look at me." But AJ failed to pay any attention to the Kentuckian's request. "Aje...c'mon..."

"Sweetheart..." Denise spoke softly, rubbing her son's back with a gentle hand. She felt him shivering under her grasp. "Honey, look up at us please."

Brian came rushing back with an armful of towels at that moment. He handed one to Kevin and watched as his cousin carefully drapped it over their rebel brother's shoulders. "I'll turn up the heat," he answered absentmindedly and hurried over to the heat monitor on the far wall.

"Aje, you need to respond to us. You have to say something," Kevin kept repeating as he got to face level with AJ. He waved his hand in front of AJ's vacant eyes while trying to grab his attention, but it wasn't any use. AJ was just plain stubbornly refusing to respond to him.

It was driving Denise up the wall too.

"Look at me, Alex," Denise ordered her son, pulling back from him and holding him up so he wouldn't slump over. "Just speak to me. Please."

AJ's shaking hands gripped his mother's arms as he tried to focus his attention. "C-cold...cold..." he stuttered, blinking rapidly as a few stray drops of rain slipped into his eyes. "M-Mom...I-I...I'm s-sorry..."

"Brian, Howie...take Nick to his room," Kevin instructed as him and Denise helped AJ stand up on his unsteady feet. He had just caught a glimpse over his shoulder at Nick and had seen that the tall blonde had fallen into a deep restless sleep. The sooner they got him out of the room, the sooner they would be able to focus all of their attention on AJ.

"I'm staying here," Howie answered, once again glaring at his older bandmate. "You can handle Nick, right Brian?"

Brian hesitated where he was standing, his expressions showing that he could handle getting Nick back to his room, he just didn't want to leave since AJ had just returned. "Yeah, no problem..." he finally answered.

"C'mon Aje, let's get you sitting on the bed," Kevin told his shivering friend as him and Denise led him over to the bed.

"Hey J, you're back!" Nick called out in a sleepy tone, his eyes merely half open as Brian led him towards the door. "Wait, Frick...why are we leaving?"

"AJ needs his sleep," Brian answered. "You can come back in the morning to speak to him, because right now you need sleep also."

"Whatever you say, Frick..." Nick mumbled.

Then they were out the door.

"Could you get him some dry clothes he can change into?" Denise asked, directing her question towards Howie. She watched as he nodded, then she turned so she was facing her son. He was hunched over where he sat and he had his face buried in his hands. Denise could tell he was crying softly. "Alex...speak to us and tell us what is going on in your head."

"No..." came AJ's muffled answer.

"No?" Kevin clarified. "Aje, we're here to help you, but we can't do that unless you open up to us. You can tell us what you're thinking, we'll understand whatever you have to say."

"How could you understand?" AJ asked, finally looking up at the people sitting around him. "You can't understand what I'm thinking."

"We could try if you just talk to us, honey," Denise told him, taking hold of his hand. But much to her shock, he only pulled it away.

"You'd only think I'm crazy..."

"I don't care how crazy you may be because you're my son, and depsite whatever circumstances may come about, I will love you regardless of it."

"How can you say that when all I am is a disappointment?"

"You're not a dissappointment, Alex."

"Here ya go, Aje," Howie interrupted as he handed AJ a dry shirt, pants, boxers, and socks. "Go change."

AJ snatched the dry clothes from Howie's grasp and stumbled into the bathroom without saying a simple thank-you. The door slammed shut, leaving three people in total silence. It wasn't until nearly ten minutes later was the silence broken when Kevin cleared his throat. He stood up and walked over to the bathroom door, raising a fist and tapping it against the wood.

"Aje?" he called out, knocking again. "Hey Aje, you ok in there?"

Only silence replied and Kevin knocked again. "AJ?"

"G-get my Mom..." came AJ's distressed request from inside the bathroom.

Denise didn't even need Kevin to tell her to come over there. She had heard her son's request and was already at the door. "Hi honey, do you want me to come in?" she asked as she stood beside Kevin.

The door clicked open and AJ appeared in the doorway, fully dressed in the dry clothes Howie had gotten out for him. "M-mom...don't hate me, please..."

"I don't hate you, Alex," Denise whispered as she pulled her son into her arms. "Never."

"I'm sorry for everything. Really, I am!"

"It's alright, honey. You don't need to apologize."

"But I do because I've hurt you so much, and I've disappointed you even more."

"But you haven't."

"Then why do I feel that way?"

"Could you give us a few minutes?" Denise asked Kevin as she went to shut the bathroom door. She took AJ over and sat him on the closed toilet seat so she could continue to talk to him directly. "Why didn't you tell me it was getting this bad for you?"

"Because I thought you would think I was being stupid and that I just needed to deal with my problems," AJ shrugged as he tried to answer.

"But suicide, Alex? Why would you want to take your own life?"

AJ fell silent as he looked away from his mother, stupidity coursing throughout his body. He had been asking himself that question, but his mind just wouldn't supply him with adequate answer. "I...I don't know..."

"Suicide isn't something that you can take lightly. Honey, we have to get you some help."

"What, lock me up in a mental institution so you don't have to deal with me anymore?"

Tears welled in Denise's eyes as she saw the amount of fear that washed over her son's face at that moment. "No, I wouldn't abandon you like that."

"But the fellas...I'm sure-"

"They're just as concerned about you as I am, honey."

"But they hate me."

"No, they just don't understand why you wanted to take your own life."

"Because...because I can't do this anymore. I just want to give up."

"But Alex, nothing can ever get to the point of giving up unless you let it. You've always been a strong person, that's what I raised you up to be. When you took the initiative to get help for your alcohol problem, I was so proud of you. It takes a lot of guts to admit you've got such a problem, and to say you know you need help, that takes even more guts."

"But this is too hard, Mom..."

"You can overcome it if you absolutely want to. All you have to do is try to help yourself and except the help that others who care deeply about you want to give. It can't over take you unless you let it."

"Mom...I don't want to die," AJ whimpered, feeling ever the more helpless.

"I won't let you," Denise told him, wrapping her arms around his body as his tears started up again. "I won't let you do that to yourself. We are going to get you help and I will make sure that it is the help you need."

"I'm scared, Mom," AJ admitted.

"I know you are, but you aren't going to have to worry about anything. It's gonna be alright," Denise replied, hugging him tightly in her arms. "I promise it will be ok."

*****

After AJ had felt like he had gained his composure enough, he allowed his mother to lead him out of the bathroom so they could join Howie and Kevin. They found the two men sitting on opposite sides of the room; Howie sat on the edge of AJ's bed while Kevin sat in a chair that was beside the far wall. Both of them jumped up from their seats when AJ and Denise walked out of the bathroom.

"You alright, Aje?" Howie immediately asked.

"Yeah..." AJ muttered quietly as he sat down on his bed. He fell backwards onto his back so he was staring up at the cieling. He wasn't sure if he could look his bandmates in the eye yet.

It was that damn feeling of shame that was torturing him again.

"Would you like us to stay still?" Kevin asked.

"No, I think I can handle it," Denise replied, sitting next to her son.

"Actually, Mom...could you step out of the room for a few minutes?" AJ requested as he rested one of his arms over his eyes. "I need to make a phone call."

"Alex-"

"Please, Mom? I only need ten minutes at the most. I just need to call someone right now."

"I...guess so..." Denise hesitated. "I'll be right outside the door."

"Thanks."

"If you need anything, Aje...just give us a ring, alright?" Howie spoke as he and Kevin headed towards the door.

"Yeah, thanks guys."

"We'll see you in the morning and we'll talk more then. Just try to get some sleep tonight," Kevin told him.

"I'll try."

"Call me back in when you're done," Denise instructed.

"I will, Mom..."

AJ waited several seconds until everyone had shuffled out of the room, before he reached over for his cellphone on the nightstand. 'Please let her be home...' he thought as he quickly hit the speed dial and waited patiently as it began to ring.

*Click* "Hey there. You've reached Jenny and Jameelah. Obviously we're not home right now to take your call, so we'd really appreciate it if you would leave us a message and call back number so we can get back to you as soon as we can. Thanks!"

AJ sighed. "Jaymee...it's...it's Alex. I haven't talked to you in a while so I thought I would give you a call. I tried calling earlier, but I got the answering machine-"

"Alex?"

AJ's heart stopped beating. "Jaymee?"

Chapter 19: When Help is Offered, Accept

"Alex?" Jameelah called out in confusion as silence came from the other end of the line. She waited a few seconds before calling out again, "Alex, are you still there?"

"Oh, uh...yeah! Sorry!" AJ suddenly replied, bringing himself out of his spacing moment. "Sorry about that."

"It's no problem," Jameelah giggled as she switched the phone to her other ear. "I was starting to think that you had hung up on me."

"Me? Hang up on you?" AJ asked in mock disbelief. "No, never. I could never hang up on you."

"Well that brings me great relief and comfort to know that," Jameelah teased. "Anyway...what's up?"

"Well, I had a bit of down time so I thought I would call you. I tried calling you earlier from the venue, but I got the answering machine."

"Yeah, Jenny dragged me off to some get-together with her friends. I didn't really want to go, but she was counting on me being there. It wasn't anything to brag about. I was quite bored the whole time if I do say so."

"I bet you would have had a better time if I was there," AJ blurted.

"Actually..." Jameelah began to answer, "If you were there, yes, I would have had a better time."

"My apologies to you, then. If I would have known about it, I would have been there," AJ joked in return.

Jameelah had to smile. "So...how is everything going?"

AJ hesitated.

"The last I heard, you were having conflicts with your bandmates. Did you get that worked out?" she continued.

"Oh, that," AJ answered. "Well, yes. Everything is ok now...after a few fist fights and nosebleeds, we got everything settled."

"Please tell me you're not serious about the fighting part, Alex."

"Nah, I'm just playin'...but I had you going, right?"

"Unfortunately...yes."

"Don't worry, we got everything settled."

"So everything is going ok for you now, right?"

Once again, AJ hesitated. There was no way he could tell Jameelah about what his horrible intentions had been. She would defenitely think he was insane and she would no doubt never speak to him again. How she'd be able to understand his problem wasn't even possible, in his mind, and he didn't want to take a chance that could jepordize their friendship.

"Alex?"

"Hmmm?"

Jameelah laughed. "You must really be spacing today, huh?"

"Sorry..." AJ apologized, feeling himself blush. "What was it that you asked?"

"I asked if everything was going ok for you now?"

"Yeah, I guess..."

Jameelah took a second before replying. "Why do you not sound so sure of that?"

"What, I'm not convincing?"

"Sorry, Alex...but, no. You really aren't."

"Hmmm...I guess that's something I'm going to have to work on, huh?"

"If you absolutely want to put it at the top of your priority list, I won't stop you," Jameelah teased. "But really, are you sure everything is going ok for you?"

"The truth?" AJ sighed.

"Might be helpful..."

"Well, yes and no then."

"Yes and no?" Jameelah asked with confusion.

"Yes everything is going ok as for me making ammends with the guys. The no part..." AJ trailed off towards the end.

"Why are you hesitating?"

"It's no big deal. I guess I'm just getting a little toured out, ya know?" AJ quickly lied.

"I'd say I understand how you feel, but I'd be lying," Jameelah replied, "But, it makes sense. I can't imagine how tiring it must get...being on tour all the time, that is."

"It can really be the high life, but it isn't always the greatest," AJ answered in a thoughtful tone. "I love it though, so I guess I shouldn't complain."

"As long as you keep a good attitude about it."

"Well, we have a small break coming up soon. I'm defenitely looking forward it."

"That's great. I know you all deserve a break. You work hard enough for it."

'You have no idea' AJ thought.

"Wait a minute," Jameelah suddenly blurted. "Don't you have a concert tonight?"

'Oh no, the concert!' They were supposed to be back at the venue over an hour ago. AJ racked his brain, trying to think of an answer. "The concert...um, we did...until, well, Nick came down with a nasty case of the flu. He can't perform in tonight's concert, so we contacted management and convinced them that it was necessary to cancel the concert."

"Will you guys be making it up?"

"Yeah, most likely."

"Tell Nick that I said I hope he feels better soon."

"I'll be sure to," AJ answered just as he heard a soft knocking on his hotel room door. "Hold on," he called over in the direction of the door.

"Who were you just talking to?" Jameelah asked.

"Oh, just my mom. She's out in the hall," AJ answered.

"When did your mom come?"

"A couple days ago...she surprised me. Anyways, I'm going to have to cut this conversation short, but listen, Jaymee, I want to see you again soon."

Silence suddenly took over Jameelah's end.

"Jaymee?"

"Yes?"

"I said I'd like to see you again soon, if that's alright with you, of course."

"That's totally fine," Jameelah answered, still feeling speechless that AJ had asked to see her again. "Um...w-when?"

"I'm not sure," AJ replied, scratching his temple, "I'll have to get back to you on that one. But I have to go now so I'll talk to you later."

"Ok."

"Here's my cell number so you can call me when you want," AJ told her and began to give her the number, just as his mother began knocking on the door again. "Call me whenever and I'll probably call you back later sometime."

"Sounds like a plan. Bye, Alex."

"Bye babe."

******

"You have to wake up now," AJ heard a voice telling him, though to him it seemed far off and he just tried to bury himself away from the voice. That's when he felt a gentle hand shaking his shoulder. "C'mon, Alex..."

"G'way..." he mumbled back in reply, almost incoherently. Sleep, that's all he wanted... So why was someone trying to interupt the one thing he needed the most at the moment?

"I can't do that, honey," the voice continued and pulled the covers away from his body.

He suddenly shivered and forced his eyes open. No wonder he was cold...he was only dressed in a pair of boxers and someone had turned the air conditioning back up. Then he looked to see his mother standing next to the bed with an amused smile on her face, victorious in waking him up in no time. "Mom..." he whined, trying to hide his head under a pillow, but his mother only pulled that away also. "Mom!" he whined even louder, glaring up at her with a pout.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah..." Denise laughed, crossing her arms over her chest. "Now get up."

AJ looked over at the clock. "It's only 9:30!"

"But you have a meeting to be to in a little bit."

"Since when? I don't remember management scheduling a meeting for today."

"Management didn't schedule this meeting, Kevin did."

AJ groaned, closing his eyes as he rubbed at them. "Why?"

"I think you know why, Alex..."

"Is anyone from management going to be there?"

"No, it's just going to be you and the guys."

AJ sighed and nodded as he sat up, rubbing the back of his neck and throwing his legs over the side of the bed.

"If you're going to take a shower, it needs to be a quick one because Jeff will be here soon to escort you to the meeting," Denise explained as she knelt down in front of her son. He still looked distressed, even after just waking up. She gave him a soft smile and patted his leg. "Everything is going to be alright."

AJ only nodded and stood up to go into the bathroom.

"Mind if I come in?" Jeff asked as he opened the door and peeked his head into the room. He, like everyone else, had been given a temporary copy of AJ's hotel room key card so they could check up on him at any time. The copies were ordered to be made without reason given.

"Come in if you'd like," Denise answered, offering her son's body guard a friendly smile. "Alex just stepped into the bathroom for a quick shower, so he should be out shortly."

"And he knows about the meeting Kevin called for?"

"Yes, I let him know about it."

Jeff sat down in one of the chairs. "How's he doing this morning?"

"To tell you the truth, I'm not sure and that's what worries me the most. But I guess that's my Alex. He can be stubborn and sometimes it is hard to get into his head to find out what he is thinking. It's just going to take time though."

"Any plan yet of how to go about taking care of this situation?"

"I suppose the Boys will be discussing that during their meeting. I spoke with Kevin a little bit ago and he agreed that once they were all done talking, he, Alex, and I would have a talk and come up with a plan."

"What about their management? Have they caught wind of what happened?"

"No, I think the Boys are choosing not to let them know."

"How long will that work or last?"

"I'm not sure."

Jeff nodded and crossed his arms over his chest as he leaned back in his seat, waiting for AJ to come out of the bathroom.

*****

AJ felt himself wanting to stray away from the group as they all sat around Kevin's hotel room, waiting for Nick to show up. Brian had rung him up ten minutes before to let him know he needed to get to Kevin's room as soon as possible for the meeting Kevin had called. Now the three of them sat around talking quietly about non-important things while AJ sat off by himself at the small table on the other side of the room. He could feel each of their stares looking over at him every once in a while, and in all truth, it was making him extremely nervous.

"So he nearly passed out several times when I was taking him to his room last night," Brian explained with an amused expression on his face. "We're walking down the hall and all of a sudden Nick starts snoring."

"You mean he started sleep walking while you were taking him back to his room?" Howie asked with a raised eyebrow.

"That's exactly what I mean," Brian nodded. "Oh man, but then, we get to his door and I go to unlock it to get inside and Nick keeps walking, but his sense of direction is horrible when he is sick and sleep walking. So somehow, he manages to run right into the wall opposite of us."

"Ouch," Kevin hissed, about ready to let out a laugh of his own.

"Yeah, poor Nick though. He threw up two times before I left."

"Dang, I wonder what he caught," Howie wondered.

"AJ's "flu"," Brian joked, glancing at AJ out of the corner of his eyes. AJ was slumped down in his seat, staring at his hands and messing with the few rings that were on his fingers. The grin immediately left Brian's face and he wished that Nick would hurry up and get there so they could start the meeting. They were all anxious to speak with AJ.

Then, almost as if on cue, there came a sharp knock on the door and Kevin hurried to answer it. They found a very sick looking Nick standing there, his face all rosey and his eyes puffy and red. "You ok, Nicky?" Kevin asked as he shut the door behind the tall blonde.

"Yeah, just peachy," Nick answered uncertainly as he ran a hand through his messy blonde locks and held a hand against his stomach.

"You look like you're gonna puke, Frack," Brian noted, watching Nick carefully.

"No, I'm-" Nick started to answer, but his face suddenly paled and his eyes started to bulge out. "Bathroom!" he gagged before dashing into the bathroom on the other side of the room and slamming the door shut.

"Good job, Bri," Howie chuckled as he stood up to check on Nick. "You jinxed him."

"Whatever," Brian replied shaking his head.

"Nicky?" Howie called out, knocking on the door. He could hear Nick retching inside and it made his own stomach queazy, causing him to squint. "Hey Nicky-"

"I'm ok," Nick coughed as he flushed the toilet and walked out of the bathroom. His face was even rosier then before.

"We might need to take you to the doctor," Howie suggested as he followed Nick back over to the bed where Brian and Kevin were. Brian slid off the bed so he was sitting on the floor indian style and facing the bed, while Kevin moved over so Nick could lay down, propped up partly by the pillows. Howie also took a seat on the floor next to Brian and AJ finally moved closer to the group, bringing his seat with him and sitting down. The five Backstreet Boys were now sitting together, the group forming a semi-circle shape.

"Well, first off, let's get down to business," Kevin started as he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and clasping his hands together. "Management got back to me last night about making up the concert we had to cancel at the last moment. They relayed that they weren't excited we needed to cancel with such short notice, but they said they were going to work in a make-up performance here somewhere near the end of the tour."

"Before we head back to Florida to close up the tour?" Brian prompted his cousin.

"Most likely," Kevin nodded. "But I know for sure that we will be making it up."

"I'm sure the fans weren't too thrilled when they were informed the concert was cancelled," Howie said, scratching the back of his head.

"You're right, D. They weren't," Kevin agreed. "Well of course fans are going to be angry and dissappointed if a concert is cancelled. There's an article in today's paper, though. Seems the fans were calling into the local radio stations wanting to know exactly why the concert had been cancelled, since most of them had already been waiting at the venue."

"This is all my fault, isn't it..." AJ spoke quietly, keeping his eyes trained on the floor. He knew for a fact that the real reason they had to cancel the conert the night before was because he had run off and they didn't know where he was. He was the reason the fans were dissappointed. It was his fault, he had dissappointed them. The fellas were making that clear, just not bluntly.

"J, we didn't know where you were," Brian answered, "You were gone for over four hours."

"You can't expect us to go ahead with the concert when you are missing," Kevin continued, looking over at AJ.

"But because I wasn't here, you had to cancel the concert."

"Nick is sick also. He was in no condition to perform last night."

AJ nodded, trying to signify that he understood that, but his mind just kept whirling with the fact that they originally had to cancel the concert because he had been an idiot and ran off. "I'm sorry..."

"Listen Aje, no matter how bad this is, we're here for you," Howie spoke up, his voice more serious then it had ever been. "You shouldn't feel like you need to run away because we don't understand. We may not understand exactly what you're thinking, but we're more then willing to try to."

"Suicide is serious AJ, and it's not something that we're just going to turn our backs on and make you deal with by yourself," Kevin agreed, keeping a close eye on his rebel brother as he spoke to him. "It's not something you can deal with by yourself. You're going to need help."

"You just need to admit to yourself that you need help. AJ, you yourself know that you can't deal with this alone," Brian said.

AJ looked away from his four bandmates' concerned stares. Why was he putting them through this again? It had hurt him greatly the first time when he had had his battle with his alcohol problem. He vowed not to put them through something like that again, and now this. They were having to deal with him being suicidal. He didn't see how he deserved their support.

"You just need to let us help you, J," Nick said before he erupted with a horrible chest-racking cough.

Kevin stood up and walked over to his suitcase where he began to dig through, looking for the little medicine bag that he always took with him on tour. After finding it, he opened it up and fished out a pack of cough drops. Going back over to the bed and handing Nick one of the cough drops, he sat down again. "AJ, we just want you to know that we're here to support you and we're going to back you up 100%," he continued, trying to get AJ to make eye contact with all of them. He began to realize how hard it was for AJ to be sitting there listening to this. He could just see it in his eyes that he was desperate for help, but that he was afraid to say anything about it. "AJ?"

"W-what?" AJ stuttered, rubbing at his eyes, trying to hide the fact that his eyes were beginning to tear over.

"Hey J, c'mon...look up at us," Kevin told him quietly, fearing for the fact that AJ was going to break down right there.

And he was right.

The tears slowly started to slip from his eyes and before they knew what was happening, AJ was trying to hide his quiet crying by burying his face in his hands. But there was no way he could hide it as he was hunched over in his seat and his shoulders were beginning to visibly shake as he continued to cry.

"I...I..." he tried to speak, but his voice shook horribly. AJ shook his head foolishly, embarrassed that he was acting in such a way, not knowing that his closest friends understood the reason why he was crying. "Guys...I-I'm scared..." he tried again, getting a deep enough breath to speak clearly. "I don't know what to do anymore."

"We're going to get you help, AJ," Brian told him, "And we're willing to do anything to get you the help that you need. You just need to help us out so we can help you."

"You're not in this alone, bro," Howie nodded.

"We can hire a therapist to come on the remainder of the tour," Kevin explained.

"What about management though?" AJ asked.

"They'll be a bit curious as to why you need a therapist, but we'll leave it up to you whether or not you want to let them know the real reason why. If you choose not to let them know the truth, well...we'll come up with a damn good lie then. We just won't let D come up with it," Kevin joked towards the end, hoping to get a small laugh out of his distraught friend. "No offense to you or anything, D, " he added.

"None taken..." Howie grumbled playfully, knowing Kevin was trying to lighten AJ up.

"You're going to get through this, AJ. We'll make sure of it."

"And everything will be kept confidential with the therapist."

AJ let out a small, strangled laugh. "This all seems a little too familiar..."

"How so?"

"Me having a problem, you guys getting me help. Next thing I know, my mom will be giving you guys the consent to ship me off to some mental institution."

"We aren't that cruel, J," Brian chuckled.

"I'm sorry for everything, guys."

"It's just going to take some time, bro. But we're always here, so don't forget that."

AJ could only nod.

Chapter 20: No Worries

'Since when has playing video games been such an obstacle for me?' AJ thought in frustration as he punched the buttons on his controller in a rapid motion. His eyes narrowed in a deep concentration as he stared at the television screen before him. "Argh! Stupid button!" he yelled out, his eyebrows furling as his character was knocked to the ground by Brian's character. "'Rok! That's not fair! Stop it! Oh c'mon man, at least give me a chance to get up! ROK!"

Brian busted into a fit of laughter as he didn't let up on AJ's character. "Lose your game playing touch, eh?" he cackled, barreling down on AJ's character and hitting him with an uppercut. The character hit the ground with a loud thud and a splurt of animated blood flew in all directions. "Ha! Take that!"

"Now listen here you Canadian Kentucky-fried chicken!" AJ growled as he lunged at Brian, knocking the shorter man to the floor and sitting on top of him so he couldn't get up. "Now who's winning? Huh? Huh?!"

"A...J...get off!" Brian yelled in a muffled voice from his face being pressed against the soft-carpeted floor. He squirmed beneath AJ, but his tatooed friend wouldn't let him up if his life depended on it.

AJ quickly directed his character to retaliate against Brian's character since Brian was unable to defend it. He punched at the buttons in a mad manner until his character had knocked Brian's to the ground and pinned him there. At that moment, AJ threw his controller down and jumped up in a triumphant manner, throwing his fists into the air. "Who da man? WHO DA MAN?!"

"That's not fair, J! You cheat!" Brian glared as he sat up, rubbing the side of his face.

"You're just a sore loser!" came AJ's reply as he found his own turn to cackle at the Kentuckian. "You Canadian Kentucky-fried chicken!"

"I am not a sore loser, you freak! And what's with 'Canadian Kentucky-fried chicken'? I don't understand the 'Canadian' part, but I do understand and resent the 'Kentucky-fried chicken' part!"

AJ shrugged. "You said "eh" and it made you sound like a canadian," he answered lamely, sitting on the floor again and picking up his controller. "Don't ask me for the meanings behind what I say, because you're asking the wrong person, 'Rok. You up for another game?"

"Yo' goin' down!" Brian answered, picking up his controller again with a competetive look on his face. "Just like you would have lost this last time if you wouldn't have so selfishly cheated, you...you chili-cheese butthead!"

"Chili-cheese?" AJ snickered.

"Does yellow ketchup freakazoid work better for ya?"

AJ raised an eyebrow in confusion. "Besides the fact that what you just said confused the Hell out of me, it was even more priceless then the first."

"How about just plain...TART!"

"Oh now you just be dissin' and you goin' down!"

"Try me!"

"You're on!"

With that, the two humored friends turned their full attention back to the television screen in front of them, their immature competetive side coming out at full force. Each was tuned directly into beating the other to prove that they were the best at the game they were currently playing, convincing their mind that the other was going down.

"Give it up, 'Rok! You ain't gonna win!"

*Kick, punch, punch, kick*

"You're going to lose, J! So you give it up!"

*Punch, kick, punch, punch, kick, punch*

"In your dreams, 'Rok!"

*Kick, kick, punch*

"No, in your dreams!"

*RING*

"Um, 'Rok?" AJ asked, taking his eyes off the television screen.

"Take that!" Brian screamed wildly, looking oddly like Nick with his tough "game face".

"'Rok?"

"And that! You're goin' down, J! You're goin' down!!!"

*RING*

"ROK!!!"

"What?" Brian finally asked, his tone distracted.

*RING*

"Your pants are ringing."

"My what are doing what?"

"Your P-A-N-T-S are R-I-N-G-I-N-G!"

*RING*

"Oh! My cell is ringing!" Brian exclaimed, reaching into his pocket to retrieve his phone.

"Nooooo...really?" AJ joked, placing his controller down and turning the playstation off.

"Hello?" Brian answered flipping the phone open. There was a short moment of silence before Brian's eyes grew wide and his mouth formed a large grin. AJ immediately knew who had rung and he was able to let out a playful inward groan before Brian blurt, "Hey baby!"

'That would be my signal to leave' AJ thought, standing up. "Hey 'Rok?"

"I love you more, baby."

"'Rok?"

"No, I love you more."

"Ahem, 'Rok?"

"I love you more... No, I said I love you more... I love you more..."

AJ snatched the phone from Brian's hand.

"Hey!" Brian glared. "Give that back!"

AJ shook his head no and brought the phone up to his ear. "Yeah, Leigh? It's AJ. Listen, niether of you loves the other more. You both love each other the same. So take my advice on that, because if I hear Brian say "I love you more" one more time, then I am going to have to kill myself."

AJ froze.

Biting down on his bottom lip, he stole a quick glance at his Ketuckian friend and found him shooting him a nervous look. AJ sighed and tried to cover up his mistake. "Um...wrong choice of words. I gotta go." With that, he tossed the phone back to Brian and began heading towards the door.

"Hold on, Leigh," Brian quickly told his wife before he tossed the phone to the bed and hurried after AJ. "Hey, Aje...wait up!"

"I'm heading back to my room," AJ answered him absentmindedly as he reached for the door handle, but Brian stopped him.

"You can't leave, just stay here," he told AJ, uneasiness coating his voice. Ever since AJ had returned the day before, nobody wanted to let him out of their sight for too long. Extra copies of AJ's hotel room key card had been made for the fellas, Denise, and the guards, so they could keep a close eye on their fallen bandmate, son, and friend for that day until they left for the next city. Nobody was about to take the chance of letting anything happen to AJ after finding out what he had tried to do. That had been too close of a call for anyone to feel comfortable.

"Just ignore what I said on your cell, because I didn't mean it. I'll be fine, alright?"

"But, Aje-"

"Just tell my mom or Jeff that I headed back to my room."

"Aje-"

"I'll be fine, 'Rok. I promise," AJ told him one last time and walked out the door.

*****

'As I sit here writing this, I can honestly say that I am scared. Scared to death to be more correct. I feel like I've run into a dead end and two days ago, I nearly had. I nearly succeeded in ending my life, and trust me, I would have, had it not been for my best friend stopping me.

I really must be going crazy, attempting to take my life...again. What was going through my head that night...I really can't remember now. Maybe it was the blowup with the fellas during the meeting that morning, or the argument outside with Howie, or...I don't know. I really don't know anymore. I was so caught up in everything going wrong, that, now I think my mind just ceased to process thoughts normally. I mean, who in their right mind stoops so low as to commit suicide or attempt to thereof?

Noone.

I've always been brought up to value life and not take it for granted. That's just the way my mother always raised me, and she did a good job too. So where did everything go wrong? When did I seemingly stop valuing life? Or have I stopped? Again, I really don't know anymore. But one thing's for sure, one thing that I do know...

I need help.

There's nowhere else to run but to get help. The fellas and my mother have been sure to make me realize this in the past 24 hours since they found out what I had tried to do, rather since Howie told them. I know at first I didn't want to admit it, but I will be forever greatful of Howie for telling someone, instead of keeping it a 'secret' like I had so dumbly made him promise to do. That had to of been the next most stupid decision I had ever made. But Howie knew better, that's why I'm thankful. The guy has a horrible concious anyway. It came in handy this time, though. And thank God for that. If Howie wouldn't have told anyone like I had made him promise...I hate to think what could have happened.

God, my mind is so screwed up right now. The overwhelming sense of fear really drags a person down... When I walked in on Howie telling Brian what had happened, something in me completely snapped. I freaked out like never before and fled. I think maybe I was afraid of how Brian was going to react, what his opinion of me would be. How it would change. Surely I thought he would think I was insane, and I defenitely did not need to hear someone telling me to my face that I was a damn right crazy person for attempting what I had attempted. At the time, I didn't realize how big of a mistake it was when I ran.

Thinking back, I really don't think I realized I was running, and if I did, I surely had no idea where I was going.

At first I was hurt knowing that Howie had blurted my secret to someone and the only thing my mind was telling me was to get away. Far away. I didn't get too far, though. I just plain and simple couldn't get myself to go anywhere. Maybe it's because I was afraid to be alone. I really don't know. But when I finally made my way back to the hotel and to my room, my mother and the fellas were all there waiting for me. It stunned me, to say the least, at how much I had hurt everyone by running off.

Especially my mother.

I don't really remember such a time seeing my mother so upset as she did right then, except for when my grandmother passed away. And that's what hurt me greatly. I had done the one thing to my mother that I vowed never to do. I had unintentionally hurt her more then I would ever realize. I caused her a great amount of stress, worry, and grief, and for that I am ashamed. Not to mention all of the stress I have bestowed upon the fellas' shoulders.

Tell me God, why do I keep making mistakes?

But still, they all vow to support me and they're determined to get me the help I need. Don't get me wrong, because I'm beyond words of how thankful I am for that, but...I feel as if I don't deserve any of it. I've already become so much of a burden towards them, that I just don't understand how they can stick with after all of this. I must be ignorant for thinking like that... Go figure.

So as a result of my problem, issue, mistake...whatever would be the right word to describe it, nobody wants to let me out of their sight for long. I don't blame them all for acting this way and I suppose it's for the best. I wouldn't want to let me out of my sight if I were them either. It's just the fact that whatever little privacy I had prior, is completely gone now. But who do I have to blame? Nobody, but myself. So there's no use in whining. Jeff is currently perched outside my hotel room and continues to check in on me every few minutes, as does everyone else since they were provided copies of my key card. It's already becoming quite bothersome if my opinion counted, but in this case it doesn't. I suppose I just need to keep in mind that it's for my own good and recognize that it's my fault they are having to do this. At least they care enough about me to want to get me help.

I guess I really am lucky...'

~From the journal of AJ McLean

*****

The rain had finally begun to ease up and the wind had ceased to blow, allowing AJ sit comfortably in one of the chairs out on the balcony of his hotel room. He sat in complete silence, safe from the rain because of the overhanging roof, as he took a long drag of his cigarrette. Exhaling the nicotine smoke through his nose, he sent his gaze upward and studied the light gray formation of the clouds that were letting lose of the precipitation. He shuttered at the thought of how dark and ugly they had been the day before. Their characteristics had seemed to fit his mood and situation perfectly, but now they were becoming lighter, and the storm was letting up, almost making him feeling as if a great amount of stress was being lifted off his shoulders. Maybe it was just coincedence, he thought. Or maybe things were starting to get better, slowly turning brighter like the clouds were turning lighter.

"Care for some company?" a voice interrupted AJ's train of thought and the rebel turned around to see Kevin casuaully walking onto the balcony. The tall Kentuckian offered a friendly smile and took a seat in the other chair. "Nice weather, huh?" he spoke with a hint of sarcasm in his voice.

"The storm has let up a bit, that's always a good thing," AJ noted, trying to think of how to reply. He brought the cigarrette back up to his lips and took another drag.

"True, true..." Kevin agreed with a nod of his head, cringing at the smell of nicotine floating around in the muggy air. "So what are you up to?"

"Trying to relax," AJ shrugged, taking one last drag and throwing the cigarette to the cement ground, stomping it with his shoe. "I was in 'Rok's room a while go, batteling it out on his playstation...but the wifey poo called, so I took that as my signal to leave."

"Let me guess," Kevin started with a smirk. "He started doing the whole 'I love you... No I love you more' thing?"

"Yep," AJ answered, rolling his eyes.

"Predictable. Way too predictable..." Kevin chuckled, leaning back in the chair. "Anyway, on the subject of wives... Kris says 'hi'."

"Kris?"

"Yeah, I was just talking to her on the phone. And before you start, I called her and no, the whole 'I love you... No I love you more' thing does not run in the family."

"Alright, then you're cool," AJ joked in a sly tone. "You had me worried for a moment there, Kev."

"My utmost apologies...you dork."

"Hey now, you better watch it."

"Is that a threat?"

"I can make it one if you want me to?"

Kevin rolled his eyes and let out a laugh. It brought him a bit of relief to hear AJ joking around and having a sense of humor. So far, they were on a good track with him. Letting his eyes wander, his green orbs landed upon a small leather book laying on the table that seperated the two chairs from one another. As curiosity got the best of him, Kevin reached out a hand and picked the book up. "What's this, Aje?" he asked, eying the book over.

AJ looked at Kevin and his heart skipped a beat when he saw that Kevin was holding his journal. Just as the older Kentuckian was proceeding to open the journal, AJ reached out and snatched it away. "It's nothing," he quickly said, holding the journal out of Kevin's reach.

Kevin raised a suspicious eyebrow. "Nothing?"

Shrugging, AJ lied, "Fine, it's just a little book I write poetry in."

"You still write poetry?" Kevin snickered playfully.

AJ shrugged again. "Is it a crime for me to be sentimental or is it just surprising that I know how to be sentimental sometimes?"

"Oh wow, the great Alexander James McLean knows how to be sentimental. I ought to tell the press."

"Wouldn't they love that..."

"They'd surely have a field day."

"Spare me this time, Kev," AJ laughed, reaching into his pocket for his pack of cigarrettes. He pulled one out, stuck it in his mouth, retrieved his lighter, and lit the cigarrette. "I've already got enough on my mind as it is. The press is the last thing I want to think about."

Kevin's eyebrows furled as he watched his younger bandmate lighting up another cigarrette. It was something he really dissapproved of, but it wasn't his right to say anything to AJ about it. The fellas and him had already tried when they first found out that AJ smoked, but AJ had blown it all off. It was the least of Kevin's worries at the moment, anyway. He and the others had bigger things to worry about taking care of. "I got a hold of management," he spoke up after a few minutes of silence where niether had exchanged a single word between one another.

"...Yeah?" AJ hesitated.

"Yeah," Kevin continued, catching a quick glance of AJ out of the corner of his eyes.

"W-what did they say?"

"They were quite curious as to why you need a therapist."

AJ felt his heart sink; he knew management would want to have some answers. No surprise that this was only going to turn into one big mess.

"So I told them that you suggested you needed a therapist because you've been feeling a bit depressed lately. I also said that we discussed it together as a group and felt it would be the best thing."

"And...did they go for that?"

"They're still acting curious about it, but listen Aje, don't worry about management. Leave that up to me and I'll get it taken care of and make sure things get worked out. You just need to worry about getting better. If anything, screw what management thinks."

"Screw what they think? Since when are you one to blow off what management has to say?"

"Since one of my younger brothers needs serious help."

Chapter 21: Discussions and Messages

AJ flopped down on his bed, laying there sprawled out on his back as he looked around, trying to take in the silence that took current residence in his hotel room. For once he was actually getting a moment of privateness, the first time during the whole day where someone didn't come barging in on him to make sure he wasn't doing something "stupid". He had to try to enjoy it while he could, for he knew he only had a set time limit before one of them did come in to get him, a time limit that was set for only a mere five minutes. AJ was surprised that they had given him that much time.

He allowed his eyes to wander around the room as he continued to lay there and his mind found it's way back to what he and Kevin had been discussing earlier that day. Management had already gotten in contact with a therapist and AJ was scheduled for his first therapy session when they arrived in their next city. Afterwards, the therapist would continue on tour with them, meeting daily with AJ. He wasn't sure about the whole idea of that, but he figured if that's what he needed to do to get help, then he would have to get himself to deal with it. Afterall, nobody was going to take any chances...and niether was he. He was tired of fighting something that he knew he couldn't win, a losing battle.

Several other things were floating around his mind at that moment also, thoughts that caused his eyebrows to furl. Kevin told him that the therapist had been clearly explained to that the therapy sessions AJ would be going through were to be kept strictly confidential, but still...AJ couldn't help but worry that his issues would some how be leaked out into the hands of the press, and then make it's way into the interest of the public. AJ could only imagine what would result in that happening and he prayed that it never came down to that. He would hate to have that kind of guilt resting on his heart. The group did not need anymore problems then they already had.

Sighing, AJ shook his head and sat up, taking a second as the room began to spin with dizziness. He had sat up way too fast and now his head pounded, protesting. Once the room was standing stationary again, AJ reached over to the nightstand for his cell phone, to make the phone call he had planned on making when he requested the time alone. 'Thank God for speed-dial' he thought as he pushed a single button and brought the small phone up to his ear. Sitting there, he listened as it continued to ring.

Three rings...

Four rings...

*Click* "Hey there. You've reached Jenny and Jameelah. Obviously we're not home right now to take your call, so we'd really appreciate it if you would leave us a message and call back number so we can get back to you as soon as we can. Thanks!"

AJ frowned; he always seemed to be getting the answering machine whenever he tried to call Jameelah. It was something he disliked, considering the times he did call, he really wanted, or rather really needed to speak to her. "Jaymee, hey, it's Alex. I, uh, just thought I would give you a call," he began, scatching his temple as he tried to think of what he was going to say now. Then he got an idea.

"Yeah, Jenny...hey! Ok, I know the last time I spoke to you on the phone didn't go over very well, so I want to apologize and say I'm sorry," he suddenly rambled, completely changing the subject quickly. He had been meaning to speak with Jenny and apologize for his rudeness a few nights ago when he had called to speak to Jameelah, but so far, he hadn't had the chance. In his mind, now was the perfect time to do so, before he forgot. "I guess I'm saying that I hope you'll forgive me. It wasn't intentional, and if you are still mad at me, you have a right to be. But I'm sorry."

As if that didn't sound lame, AJ took a few moments to collect his thoughts. 'C'mon, Jaymee...pick up!' he mentally begged, letting a few moments of silence lapse over. It was no use, he knew she wasn't home. "Anyway, Jaymee...seems like I can never get a hold of you when I call. You're never home, or maybe you're just avoiding me? ...Nah, I'm just kidding-"

"AJ, open the door!" Kevin's voice suddenly boomed from the other side of the hotel room. AJ's eyes shot to the door, his heart skipping a beat as he hadn't expected Kevin to yell out like that. Was his five minute really already up? It obviously was as Kevin proceeded to pound on the door. "AJ!"

'Hold on!' his mind growled as he slowly stood up from the bed and began to walk over to the door, taking his time as he continued talking. "Hopefully, I'll talk to you soon, Jaymee, and you'll have to let me know your schedule so we can talk about hooking up."

"AJ! Open the damn door!"

"Give me a call back whenever you get the chance. Hope to hear from ya soon-"

Right at that moment, as AJ was reaching for the door handle, the door flew open and Kevin, Howie, and Brian came busting in, knocking AJ down in the process, his cell phone flying from his hand. He lay there on the floor in shock for a minute, staring up at the ceiling and blinking. It wasn't until his four bandmates peered down at him did he finally focus on them and what had just happened. Still, he didn't say anything.

"You alright, Aje?" Howie asked carefully as he held out his hand to help his friend up.

AJ hesitated before taking hold of Howie's hand. He stumbled into the standing position, rubbing the back of his head and finally answering, "Yeah."

"Hey J," Brian began as he bent over and picked a black object up. "Did you know your cell phone is on?"

AJ looked over at Brian just as his shorter friend proceeded to push the 'off' button, and his eyes bulged open. "No, 'Rok! Don't hang-" But it was too late. "...up..." AJ sighed in frustration as he shook his head.

"Um...oops?" Brian shot AJ an apologetic look."Important phone call?"

"Yeah, important..." AJ nodded.

"Who?" Howie asked.

"A friend," AJ shrugged.

"Do I know her?" Brian piped up.

"Why do you automatically think it was some girl I was talking to?"

"Because, pimp boy," Brian replied immaturely.

AJ rolled his eyes. "No, you don't know her."

"See, I told ya."

"Grow up."

"Kev-"

"Grow up, Cuz," Kevin scolded, shaking his head. "Anyway, you ready to go AJ?"

"Go where?" AJ asked, absentmindedly.

"Out to dinner. Remember, your mom insisted we all go out to dinner tonight before we head out for the next city?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"Not really...your mom is counting on you."

"Damn, alright. Let's go."

*****

"Man, Nick-" Brian howled in laughter as he rolled around on the floor of the tour bus, cradling his stomach in a mad manner as his facial features scrunched into a humorous setting. He gasped for breath inbetween his bouts of laughter, but it only caused him to laugh even harder. Kevin looked at his younger cousin and just rolled his eyes, sitting back and watching in amusement. Howie looked at the shorter Kentuckian and shook his head, also in amusement. All the while, Nick sat on the floor with his back resting against the couch, arms crossed against his chest.

"Iss nob funny!" Nick glared, rubbing at his red nose, his cheeks still extremely blotchy. The tall blonde had been extremely sick the past few days and was still pretty sickly, only recently feeling well enough to sit up for a while, ignoring the protests of his bandmates that he needed to stay lying down so he could get his rest and become better for their next concert. But stubborness was his specialty.

"Yes it is!" Brian cackled, trying to sit up. He pointed at his friend. "You sound like a dying cow when you talk!"

"I do nob!" Nick argued, his face turning red as Brian was sent into a fresh set of laughter.

"Now all you have to do is start mooing!" Brian replied. "MOOOOO!"

"Shud ub, Brine!" Nick growled.

"Dying cow!"

"Wow, this is a first," Howie commented to Kevin. "Brian's being a jerk."

"Nah, he's just paying Nick back for all of the times that Nick made of fun of Brian when he was sick," Kevin answered back, still watching the scene before him. It would be hard to miss how badly Nick was becoming mad at the moment, but on the other hand, Kevin couldn't help but to find humor in his cousin's harmless teasing antics against their younger friend. The blonde deserved it for all of his merciless poking fun at his bandmates whenever they fell ill. This was no doubt "pay back" for all of those times. So...Kevin let the scene proceed.

"Bri's 27 now..." Howie began again, studying what was going on before him. He cringed at the immature shots cracking between his two bandmates. "You think he will ever grow up?"

"Let's look at it this way, D," Kevin replied, motioning with his hand. "Nick is Brian's best friend, right?"

"Right."

"And will he ever grow up?"

"Probably not until pigs learn to fly or Hell freezes over."

"So, no?"

"Nope."

"Well, there's your answer then."

"True, true..."

"I'll bead you ub iv you don' shud ub!" Nick coughed out in an even more nasaly-tone then before. He was more then displeased when Brian only laughed harder at his dispense. Nick's eyes narrowed as they grew darker in color. "Dat's ib! You goin' doub now!"

"What the?!" Brian yelled out in shock as Nick suddenly jumped up and lunged at him. He brought his hands up to his face in order to defend himself as he saw Nick grab one of the pillows off of the couch. "Ouch, Nick! C'mon! Stop! Ouch! I was only- ouch! STOP!!!"

"I tolb you to shud ub!" Nick yelled at him as he continued to whack at him with the pillow.

"I'm sorry! Ouch! I mean it, stop hitting me with the dang pil- ouch!"

"Whad's dat? I can' hear you!"

"STOP HIT- OUCH!!! STOP HITTING ME WITH THE DANG PILLOW!!!" Brian finally shouted out in one drawn out breath. He mustered up all of the strength he could and pushed Nick off of him, grabbing the pillow out of the blonde's hand in the process. Smacking Nick across the head with it once, he placed it on the floor and sat quickly on it so his friend couldn't make a grab for it. "HA!"

"You're a jerg!" Nick went back to glaring as he rested his back against the couch again and crossed his arms against his chest.

"Ahem, Nicky?" Howie questioned. "What's a 'jerg'?"

"Shud ub..." Nick pouted.

Kevin chuckled as he just shook his head at Nick. He continued to smirk though. "No Nicky, really...what's a 'jerg'?"

"Shud ub..."

"C'mon, Nicky...it's only a simple question."

"Don't call me Nicky..."

"Tell us what a 'jerg' is and we won't call you Nicky, Nicky," Brian piped up with a grin.

"Nah cuz, back off the poor blonde. He's sick," Kevin answered with a lazy yawn, leaning back in his seat. "I suppose we should discuss other matters anyway."

"Like what?"

"Like what's been happening lately."

"Should I go get Aje?" Howie asked.

"No, I think he said he was going to take a nap or something. Better not disturb him..."

*****

AJ walked towards the back room of the bus in a lazy manner. He had just finished up another easily won card game of five card-draw poker with Jeff and now he was on his way to see what the fellas were up to. He was exhausted to say the least, having not slept well the night before, but on the other hand, he was more intuned to hanging out with the fellas at the moment. Upon reaching the door, he was a bit curious to find that it was shut. It was which that caused him to hesitate before deciding to open the door.

The closer he leaned towards the door, though, the easier it was for him to hear the conversation taking place inside.

"You're a jerg!" Nick shot.

"Ahem, Nicky?" Howie questioned. "What's a 'jerg'?"

'Yeah Nick, what's a 'jerg'?' AJ thought.

"Shud ub..." Nick pouted.

Kevin chuckled. "No Nicky, really...what's a 'jerg'?"

"Shud ub..."

"C'mon, Nicky...it's only a simple question."

'He can't comprehend simple questions, Kev.'

"Don't call me Nicky..."

"Tell us what a 'jerg' is and we won't call you Nicky, Nicky," Brian piped up.

'Yeah, like that's gonna work' came another sarcastic thought from AJ's mind.

"Nah cuz, back off the poor blonde. He's sick," Kevin answered. "I suppose we should discuss other matters anyway."

"Like what?"

"Like what's been happening lately."

"Should I go get Aje?" Howie asked.

AJ paused.

"No, I think he said he was going to take a nap or something. Better not disturb him..."

'Oh really?' AJ raised an eyebrow as he leaned against the wall casually.

"Wad iv he's stanin' oudside da door listenin' ride ad dis bery momen'?" Nick asked. "'Cause dat's alweady happened once. Member, Howie?"

'How could he forget? He got some foul words dished at him from me because of it' AJ thought with a frown.

"I doubt he is," Howie answered, sounding sure of his answer.

"Lets stop worrying about whether he's listening or not and start worrying about how we're going to manage the weeks to come," Kevin interrupted.

"I agree with Kev," Brian added.

"Obviously the past few days have been...well...stressful. That could be more or less of an understatement, but we need to realize that that stress is probably only going to get worse, more so for AJ. We've been through alot together since we became a group and we've all had our share of personal problems, but we've prooved successful in sticking together through everything. What I'm trying to say is this is more then ever one of those times where we need to band together stronger then ever and show AJ that we are here to support him. That just like when he was going through his alcohol problem, we aren't going to desert him. We need to make him know that we're here to stand by him."

"I agree whole-heartedly. I can't even begin to imagine what this is first-handedly like for Aje, but he needs as much support as it is possible for him to get."

"Exactly. This time period is going to probably get pretty stressful, but like I said, more so for AJ.

"Didn' you say dat he's supposed to stard theraby as sood as we reage the negs towd?"

"Yeah, meaning he has his first therapy session today. Um...I talked to his therapist on the phone earlier this morning-"

"Has J talked to he or she yet?"

"She, and no. I only talked to her briefly over the phone to verify that AJ was indeed starting the therapy sessions today."

"What's her name?"

There was a moment's silence before Kevin finally answered.

"Um...Jeanie McGuire."

"And he knows that?"

"No, because he hasn't spoken to her. But there is one thing I want to bring up, that Miss McGuire wanted me to discuss between the group. One part of a person's therapy is group therapy. She thinks it would be a good idea if we all, as a group, participated in a few of AJ's sessions. The support added in a group session has shown to help the person subject to the therapy greatly. I agree very much with that and I feel it would be a good idea if we did follow that suggestion and participate. It would be a way of showing our support and it might just help him get better sooner."

*****

"Hurry up an unlock the door, would ya Jaymes?" Jenny complained, standing impatiently beside Jameelah outside their apartment door. "My arms are about to fall off from all of this weight!"

Jameelah shot a sideways glance at her friend, raising an eyebrow. Then she eyed the two heavy suitcases that Jenny was carrying. "Um, hon, maybe that's because of all the unecessary luggage you are carrying?" she suggested, her eyes hinting her sarcasm. Jameelah struggled with getting the key into the lock once more, as she too, held a suitcase of her own, and finally succeeded in getting the door open. Jenny rushed past her. "Geez, impatient, are we?"

"Yes, very!" Jenny grinned and headed straight for her bedroom. "It's because my arms are about to fall off!"

"And you've got nobody to blame but yourself!" Jameelah called after her friend, before dropping her suitcase in the front entry way. Jingling her car keys at her side, she headed towards the living-room for the answering machine, to check for any new messages. "You are the only person I know who, when packing for a over-night trip, packs for a two week trip!"

Jenny stuck her head out of her bedroom doorway. "Better pack safe then be sorry! You never know when something might happen, Jaymes!"

"Oh, get real, Jen!" Jameelah laughed, placing her car keys on the coffee table. She walked a few feet across the room to where the answering machine was. "Tell me, how much could possibly happen during a three hour drive?"

"Alot!"

Jameelah rolled her eyes, thinking of all the unecessary things Jenny had actually packed. Her and Jenny had taken the three hour drive downstate to visit Jameelah's parents the day before. Jameelah, being smart and only packing a few things, had no trouble, while on the other hand, Jenny packed like crazy, stuffing full two large suitcases. Jameelah thought it was insane and didn't pity her friend one bit when it came to unpacking it all. 'Oh well...' Jameelah thought and reached for the 'play' button on the machine.

*BEEP* "Yo Jaymes, it's Becky! I'm back in town visiting the relatives! Ha ha, fun huh? Give me a call, you have my cell number! We need to get together sometime!"

Jameelah let out a small laugh at the enthusiasm in her friend's voice. She made a mental note to indeed give her friend a call, then deleted the message.

*BEEP* "Jen, it's Shawn. Listen, I'm sorry about the other night-"

Jameelah quickly deleted the message, shuddering. 'Get it through your head buster, she don't like you!'

*BEEP* "Jaymee, it's your mother."

Jameelah rolled her eyes.

"I was calling to make sure you and Jenny got home alright. Give me a call when you get home. Oh, and Jaymee, your brother, Matt, isn't very happy about the fact that you didn't stay long enough for him to come and see you. You better give him a call. Love you dear. Buh-bye."

'So what?' Jameelah thought playfully. 'It ain't my fault his slow butt ain't fast enough to make it to your house before I left.' Jameelah deleted the message and was about to turn the machine off, only another message started playing.

*BEEP* "...Jaymee, hey, it's Alex. I, uh, just thought I would give you a call."

There was a long pause, making Jameelah wondering if he had actually hung up or what not, but to her relief, he began to speak again.

"Yeah, Jenny...hey! Ok, I know the last time I spoke to you on the phone didn't go over very well, so I want to apologize and say I'm sorry. I guess I'm saying that I hope you'll forgive me. It wasn't intentional, and if you are still mad at me, you have a right to be. But I'm sorry."

Jameelah laughed, not really understanding for what reason why AJ was apologizing to Jenny, but she knew she would have to let Jenny listen to it.

"Anyway, Jaymee...seems like I can never get a hold of you when I call. You're never home, or maybe you're just avoiding me? ...Nah, I'm just kidding. Hopefully, I'll talk to you soon, Jaymee, and you'll have to let me know your schedule so we can talk about hooking up. Give me a call back whenever you get the chance. Hope to hear from ya soon-"

AJ's voice was abruptly interrupted and Jameelah could hear a bunch of emotion erupt in the background. Though she was confused by it in the long run, it still caused a curious smile to form on her lips.

"You alright, Aje?"

"Yeah."

"Hey J, did you know your cell phone is on?"

"No, 'Rok! Don't hang-"

Silence invaded the answering machine as she heard the click of the phone. 'Uh-oh...' she thought with a silent laugh. Whatever the heck had just happened before AJ's phone was hung up...she didn't know, but it sounded hilarious. She was happy to hear his voice, surprised that he had called her while she was gone. She would defenitely have to give him a call back, as soon as she was done un-packing.

Jameelah turned around and walked back into the front entry way to retrieve her suitcase, then she headed towards her own room, yelling out, "Hey Jenny, you got a message!"

Chapter 22: Nice to Meet You

The remaining hours on the tour bus had been non-too surprisingly uneventful. The fact that nothing else really went on had subdued to AJ's liking. He had been more then happy to just lounge around in his personal bunk bed, writing thoughtfully in his journal, and secretly scribbling down words that came to his mind for a song he had set to writing. It all seemed more appealing then to bother the fellas, especially after he had caught them speaking about him. The fact that they were hadn't bothered him all that much, but it had put a defenite damper on his wanting to hang out with them. Instead, he retired to his bunk to save his bandmates from his constant botherings, and considering his mother was resting peacefully in her own "temporary" bunk, he had no one else to speak to. Sure, he knew he could have gone right back up towards the front of the bus where Jeff was still lounging, but he was casually becoming bored with playing poker. He'd had enough of it for one day.

He had ended up falling asleep an hour and a half after climbing into his bunk and was quite displeased to find out that they had made a pit stop at a gas station and the fellas hadn't bothered to wake their rebel brother up to see if he'd wanted anything. It wasn't the end of the world, he knew, but when he finally did wake up from his venture into the land of slumber, he could have really gone for a bag of Lays potato chips and a Dr. Pepper.

"I'll let you have the left over crumbs of my chips and the last drip of my pop," Brian had teased at AJ's expense.

"You're so very kind, 'Rok," AJ had answered with a substantial amount of sarcasm dripping from every corner of his voice. With so being said, he turned around and walked away from the group.

"Someone's grumpy and needs to have a longer nap!"

"I heard that!"

Now, as he placed his suitcase on the bed in his hotel room, he could feel his stomach grumbling and he realized he'd eaten close to nothing that day. Minus the half eaten candy bar he had discovered in one of the side compartments of his duffle bag. 'Damn you, Nick!' his mind had spat, knowing his tall blonde friend had been the culprit to devour half of his hidden candy bar. 'If you're gonna eat the damn thing, then eat all of it!' But he quickly pushed the angry thought aside and devoured the rest of the candy bar himself. It didn't do much to fulfil his hunger, but boy did it taste good.

His stomach growled again and AJ eyed the phone on the nightstand with curiosity. 'I wonder how good this hotel's room service is...' he thought, raising an eyebrow. He knew he would need to eat something soon before he made himself sick, so he promised his growling stomach that he would call as soon as he unpacked the necessary items that he unpacked everytime they stayed in hotels, that of which were mostly bathroom necessities. He very rarely, if ever, unpacked his clothing. They usually didn't stay in one hotel long enough for there to even be a point in unpacking his clothes.

AJ stole a quick glance at his watch. It was already beginning to near late afternoon. He knew that for the fellas, the rest of the day was free. Tomorrow, they all had an early rehersal in the morning, to prepare for the show that night. But for AJ, he had no choice in the matter of what he could do in the next few hours. All of that was because he would be meeting up, for the first time, with his therapist. Her name was Jeanie McGuire, as he had discovered while listening in on the fellas' conversation back on the tour bus. Time was winding down before she would arrive at his room for his first therapy session, and if he had to truthfully confess to anyone, he was scared shitless about it, to the point where he was beginning to feel stupid for feeling so nervous.'Ya gotta do whatcha gotta do' he kept reminding himself and this was what he knew he had to do.

He was getting himself help.

Another look at his watch and he finished his "unpacking" and figured he would have enough time to call down for a bite to eat. Better to meet someone new on a full stomach, rather then on an empty one. But on a more serious note, he was just mass hungry. It sort of surprised him when he thought about it, considering he hadn't had much of an apetite the past few days.

"So, Mr. Stomach," he thought outloud, scratching his temple. "What are you in the mood for? A burger? A sandwhich? Soup? Eeew, no, cut the soup. Pizza? Ooh, now that sounds good. They probably don't have it, though. Guess I'll go for the burger. Room service...room service...room service..." He began scrolling a finger down the list of numbers next to the hotel phone. "A ha! 3...6...1...5-"

"Hey J!!!"

AJ unintentionally slammed the phone back onto it's base as the sudden sound of two new voices speaking in unison entered his ears. He turned around just in time to see the infamous, Frick & Frack, come bursting into his room. He gave them both a questioning glare, surprised to see that Nick seemed to be back to his old "normal Nick" self. How normal was normal for Nick was an actual mystery. AJ was sure the world would never know the answer. "Don't you two know how to knock?"

"Like no, because Jeff let us in," Nick answered with a hint of cockiness in his voice, diving onto AJ's bed and digging through his stuff.

"Hey! Hey! Get your grubby hands out of my stuff you blonde moron!" AJ shrieked as he swatted at Nick's hands and quickly shut his suitcase, locking it. He placed it on the floor, out of Nick's reach.

Nick giggled. "Awww."

"And what's up with you?" AJ asked, looking at Nick oddly. "You sound like a dying cow while you talk this morning, not to forget that you looked like complete shit, and now you look normal, which I shudder at that thought, and you also sound normal. Care to give an explanation?"

"Heh, yeah, remember how we stopped at that gas station?"

"The one you guys "forgot" to wake me up for?" AJ rolled his eyes.

"Yep, that's the one!" Brian laughed.

"Shut up, 'Rok."

"Anyway, Kev generously bought me some day time flu medicine and now I feel pretty fly for a white guy!" Nick giggled again.

AJ almost backed away in horror. "Are you sure you're alright in the head, Nick?"

"Nah, he's doped up on daytime flu medicine," Brian chuckled, shaking his head with humour.

"Oh man..." AJ groaned.

"That, and I discovered the magical miracle workings of nose spray!" Nick piped up again, showing that he could breath easily through his nostrils by sniffing at the air.

"Damn mutt..." AJ muttered.

"I swear he's a nasal spray addict now, so I think I'ma look into finding him a support group for that," Brian said.

"Yeah, 'Rok...you...do that..." AJ trailed. "But may I inquire what y'all want? I was currently in the process of calling down for some room service-"

"Room service?!" Nick squealed.

AJ rolled his eyes. "Not for you, nitwit! And I swear, if you ever touch a candy bar of mine again and only eat half of it, I'll break both of your legs!"

Nick whimpered.

"Is it so much of a crime for us to want to chill with our good buddy ol' pal, AJ?" Brian spoke dramatically.

"As a matter of fact..."

"Oh, now that hurts..."

"Can it butthead," AJ grinned childishly. Ah, he really didn't mind if they were visiting him. As long as he got to eat, though, then he would be perfectly fine. 'Stop grumbling, you annoying stomach!'

"You look deep in thought, Aje. Whatcha thinkin' about? Huh? Huh?"

"I'm hungry, my stomach is growling, it's annoying, you're annoying, Nick is especially annoying. It's as simple as that. You've heard me preach my inner thoughts. Now leave."

"Sorry bro, no can do."

"Yeah, no can do!" Nick repeated as AJ's cell phone proceeded to ring. A childish and secretive gleam shone in Nick's eyes at that moment as he saw that the cell phone was laying directly next to him on the bed. He quickly reached for it before AJ could, and much to AJ's displeasure, brought it up to his ear and began to speak. "AJ McLean's Escort Service Hotline. How may I direct your call, baby?" he spoke in the most pathetic attempt ever in the history of man of a deep, sexy voice. He giggled when he saw AJ's eyes bulge open in surprise.

"Uh, may I speak to Alex, please?"

Nick paused for a moment as he failed to recognize the female voice that sounded from the other end of the phone connection. "Who's this, yo?"

"It's Jaymee."

Nick's eyebrows furled. "Jaymee? Jaymee who?"

AJ's eyes opened even wider. "Give me the phone, Nick!"

Nick swatted AJ's hand away.

"Jaymee Smithson," came the girl's answer. "Why are you asking? Can I please talk to Alex?"

"No, because I don't know you and niether does AJ," Nick answered matter-of-factly.

"Excuse me?" The girl sounded utterly confused.

"I'm hanging up now. Don't call again!" Nick scolded and was just directing his finger towards the "off" button to hang up when AJ suddenly dove at him, crying out, "No!". The two began to wrestle around on the bed, with AJ trying to get the phone from Nick, and Nick trying to keep AJ's cell phone away from him. The two of them ended up rolling directly off the bed and landed on the floor with muffled "oompfs".

"Give me my phone, you freak!" AJ ordered.

"No, man! It's some psycho teeny fan! I'm trying to save you from her!" Nick cried out.

"You're the psycho!"

"I resent that!"

"Give me the damn phone! I know her!"

"You don't know anyone named Jaymee, Aje!"

"The Hell I don't! Now give me the phone!"

Brian stood next to the bed and watched in shocked amusement as his two friends continued to wrestle around on the floor; AJ trying desperately to get his cell phone from the blonde, and the blonde holding it away each time. But during their little wrestling match, Brian noticed that Nick had unconciously dropped AJ's cellphone and now it was laying unattended to on the floor as Nick tried to defend himself. So, seeing his chance, Brian reached down and picked up the phone before AJ or Nick noticed he had done so.

"Um...hello?" he spoke in an uncertain tone of voice.

"Where's Alex?" Jameelah questioned, even more confused as yet another unfamiliar voice came on the line.

"Um...uh...who's this?" Brian stuttered.

Jameelah sighed. "Jaymee Smithson. I'm a friend of Alex's. Who are you?"

"I'm afraid that I don't know you, so I can't tell you that. How did you get AJ's number?" Brian answered, still unsure about this person named "Jaymee Smithson".

"He gave it to me. How else would I have gotten it?"

"You psycho teeny fans have your way of finding things out."

Jameelah laughed. "Pyscho teeny fan? I can assure you that I am far from being a psycho teeny fan or whatever. All I want is to talk to Alex."

"How do you know him? I don't remember him having a friend named Jaymee."

"I met him in New York! If you don't mind me asking, why didn't he answer this call?"

AJ smacked Nick upside the head, but noticed that the blonde no longer had the cell phone in his hand and he jumped up, as did Nick, also. "Damnit, where the Hell is it?!"

"How should I know?" Nick retorted with a glare.

"Because you're the one who had it!"

"Well I obviously don't have it any longer!"

"Find it, then!"

Brian shifted the phone in a casual manner to his other ear as he took a seat on the edge of the bed. "How do I know you're not lying about knowing Aje?" he asked suspiciously, his eyes narrowing as if Jameelah could actually see that gesture.

"Excuse me?" Jameelah asked back in an exasperated tone.

"For all I know, you could be telling a white lie right now. And personally I don't really believe that you are telling the truth."

"You know, forget it. This is obviously a waste of my time. If Alex wants to talk to me, then he can call me back. At least tell him I called." Her words were harsh enough with it's own tone.

Brian heard the click coming from her end. She had obviously hung up on him and with a roll of his eyes, he hung up also. "Well...that was rude..." he muttered.

"You have it!" AJ suddenly shouted in Brian's direction and he reached for his cell phone. "Give me the phone, 'Rok!"

"She, uh...kinda hung up..." Brian hesitated in return.

"WHAT?!"

"She hung up."

"Damnit!!!" AJ burst, throwing his hands in the air. He looked ready to pounce both of his bandmates.

"I didn't think you knew her-"

"It's really none of your damn business! Both of you!"

"J-" Nick tried to intervene.

AJ slowly let loose of a shakey breath. His eyes narrowed with a dark fire towards his two bandmates. One could only take so much of their insane and immature antics and he'd defenitely just had his fair share for the time being. Not only had they just ran his nerves into oblivion, they had succeeded in delaying his hunger-stricken stomach from devouring any food. Now he was just completely and utterly irritated at the sight of the two. So to keep himself from saying anything that he would regret, he took another deep breath and gently rubbed at his temples. "Listen guys, I really don't have time to deal with this. I'm hungry, I'm tired, I'm annoyed, and I have less then an hour before my therapist arrives. So, if the two of you don't mind, would the both of you just leave, please?"

Brian and Nick both exchanged nervous glances, and Brian always being the polite one, took the initiative to speak as him and Nick headed towards the door. "Sorry about the phone call mishap, Aje."

"I'll decide if I forgive you later," AJ grumbled.

"Alright, good enough I guess," Brian shrugged. "C'mon Frack, we'll go bug Howie."

"Why not Kevin?" Nick whined as they walked out the door.

Brian's distant voice answered as AJ began to shut the door, "Do you really want to suffer his wrath? 'Cause personally, I don't."

*****

'Oh make the pain stop, God!' AJ's mind whimpered as his facial features contorted so that he was wincing. He wrapped his arms tighter around his stomach as he closed his eyes, resting his back uncomfortably against the wall as he sat on the bed. 'I promise I'll never order room service again, just make the pain stop!' The cramps in AJ's stomach grew intensely worse right at that second and he looked up to the ceiling, half-expecting to see God smiling down at him with a mocking smile. 'This just freakin' sucks! I swear, I'ma sue this hotel for suffering from food posioning!'

"Maybe a little tv will do the trick," AJ thought outloud, desperately wanting to keep his mind off his aching stomach. He reached over for the remote off the nightstand and clicked the tv on. As if he wasn't already suffering bad enough, the first channel he clicked to was a freaking cooking network and he listened just long enough to hear, "...and after you have prepared the delicious, tangy, orange peanut sauce, bring the spinach noodles to a boil and-" before he changed the channel. The next channel wasn't any better, "Now at McDonalds you can get-". AJ didn't have the patience to bother channel surfing through all the channels. He hastily switched the tv off and threw the remote to the bed, crossing his arms over his chest in a pouting manner.

'I'm bored, so bored, so very bored, so very extremely bored, my stomach hurts, and oh, did I mention that I am bored?' AJ kicked his feet at the mattress in a childish sullen manner. Man, what he wouldn't do to be able to escape and go bouncing around town. No chance in that though. Jeff would stop him before he was able to even set foot outside the door. 'This freaking sucks!' AJ was sure that the fellas were together right now, discussing a plan for them to go bouncing around town. 'Sure, leave poor ol' AJ back at the hotel. No love fo' AJ, no love...' If he didn't have to meet with his therapist so soon, then he would have a chance to get up and do something. But no, damnit, he had to go and throw himself into this situation.

'Maybe I ought to call Jaymee back.'

*KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK!*

'Or not...'

*KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK*

"Yeah, yeah...I'm coming..." AJ grumbled as he struggled to stand up from the bed. Stretching his back and praying to God once again that his stomach would stop killing him, he walked slowly over to the door. Upon reaching the door, he paused with his hand reaching out. It was quite possible that his therapist was standing on the other side of that door and AJ suddenly found himself dreading the initial greeting.

Afterall, what exactly was he supposed to expect?

*KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK!*

AJ pulled the door open and was met with a quite unfamiliar face. A figure standing at a mere 5'7" inches tall, golden strawberry blonde locks of hair cut in a cute layered style that reached just to the surface of her slender shoulders, a tight fitting pastel blue tank hugged her petite figure adorned atop with a dark denim jacket, finished off with hip-hugging khakis that flared slightly at the feet. In any other circumstance or on anyone else, the casual look this person was presenting, it would have looked quite un-professional, but for some reason unbeknownst to AJ, the look fitted her.

Was this his...therapist?

Stalling a second more, AJ looked out into the hall for any sign of his body guard, but was more then surprised to find that Jeff was nowhere in sight. He hadn't left his perch outside AJ hotel room since they had arrived and the man chose now to dissappear? 'Figures...' AJ thought as he looked back to the woman. He offered her a nervous, yet apologetic smile. "Um...may I...help you?" he spoke slowly, unsure of his own words.

"I'm Jeanie McGuire," a soft, yet firm English-accent toned voice answered back and AJ looked to see that she was holding her hand out in a offer to shake it. "I hope I'm guessing correctly that your friend, Kevin Richardson, told you my name and that we would be meeting today?" she added as AJ weakly shook her hand. She offered him another smile.

"I guess...kinda..." AJ shrugged. He looked past Ms. McGuire and into the hall again. "You wouldn't by any chance happen to know where Jeff would be, would you?"

"He your bodyguard?"

AJ nodded.

"Ah, yes, he's taking a bathroom break. He told me to let you know he would return shortly."

AJ nodded again.

"Are you going to let me in, Mr. McLean, or are we going to have our session in the hall?" Jeanie let loose of an unsure laugh.

"Sorry," AJ apologized with a sheepish grin as he stepped aside to allow Ms. McGuire to enter the room. "And it's AJ."

"Pardon?" Jeanie asked.

"Just call me AJ. I'm not too familiar with doing the whole formal name thing."

"Alright, AJ," Jeanie answered, putting quite a bit of emphasis on his name through her english accent. "Do you mind if I have a seat?"

"No, by all means, go right ahead," AJ answered back, quickly grabbing his jacket off the chair that she was motioning towards. He threw it to the bed and as she took a seat at the small table, he, too, also sat down in the other chair. "Oh, as a bit of advice, whatever you do, do not order room service from this place. I did just a little bit ago and now I swear I'm gonna be shittin' up a storm tonight! The food is absolutely horrible."

"I guess I will take your advice into consideration," Jeanie smiled.

"Sorry for my bout of crude language there..." AJ mumbled sheepishly.

"No offense has been taken. You speak however you want."

"So, um..."

"You seem a fair bit nervous, AJ?"

"Don't get me wrong or anything, but I don't know you."

"That's understandable, AJ. Because, I don't know you either, but if we work together on this, then by the end of your therapy "treatment", we will know each other quite well."

"You are aware that me talking to you has to be kept confidential, right? How if it leaks out, it could seriously damage my career?"

"You have nothing to worry about. My lips are sealed outside our sessions."

"Ok."

"So, let's start off with the basics," Jeanie spoke, getting comfortable in her seat and folding her hands on top of the table. She paid no attention to a few strands of strawberry blonde that fell just short of her right eye as she focused all of her attention on AJ. And if you asked him, it scared the Hell out of him about how serious she had become all of a sudden. "How are you doing today?"

"Where's your pad?" AJ asked.

"Pardon?" Jeanie questioned with shock.

"Your pad, you know...notepad, something you write on? I mean, don't you people have to take notes during sessions like these?"

"Oh, I see what you're talking about now. To answer your question, yes, "us people" as you want to put it, do take notes. But this is only our first session. Think of it as an informal meeting. I just want to get to know a little bit about you before our first formal session."

"Ok, that's cool."

"So again, how are you doing today?"

AJ shrugged, slumping in his seat. His stomach was still giving him quite a hard time. It hadn't let up one bit, and he was beginning to develope a small case of a headache from it, too. "Um, my stomach hurts because the food here sucks, I'm bored-"

"In general, AJ..." Jeanie laughed.

"I'm fine."

"And how have you been doing these past couple of days?"

"Depends what day you want to talk about," AJ challenged.

"Whatever you feel like speaking about right now."

"In that case, I've had my share of mostly bad days. Yeah, that's sounds about right."

"Stress?"

"Huh?"

"Would you say it's stress?"

"I'm not trying to be rude, but that would be a 'Duh' for the most part."

Jeanie nodded. "What else?"

"What about you?" AJ suddenly turned the tables on his therapist.

"I'm sorry?"

"How are you doing?"

"This isn't a "get to know me" session, AJ. This is a "get to know you"," Jeanie answered.

"It's only fair that I know some stuff about you. I mean, how am I supposed to know if I'm gonna be comfortable confessing my most inner thoughts to a complete stranger, such as yourself, Ms. McGuire?"

"Alright...I guess that's fair..." Jeanie trailed, "What is it you would like to know?"

"Anything, Ms. McGuire."

"It's Jeanie, and, anything?"

"Sure, anything," AJ shrugged.

"Ok..." Jeanie leaned back in her seat, a thoughful look masking her petite face. "Let's see, about me...I was born and raised in London, England; most of my family still resides there. I began my college education in London, but decided to continue and finish it here in the united states where I am certified as a psychologist and psychiatrist/therapist."

"What's the difference between a psychologist and psychiatrist/therapist?"

"A psychologist is someone who has a doctoral degree, such as a PhD or PsyD, and experts in psychology. They are trained in counseling, psychotherapy, and psychological testing," Jeanie explained. "A pyschiatrist is a medical doctor who specializes in the diagnosis and treatment of a mental or psychiatric illness. Psychiatrists are licensed to prescribe drugs as part of their treatment regimen and are also trained in psychotherapy, which is a form of "talking" therapy. And I'm sure you know what a therapist is."

"I guess I have an idea... So, what...are you going to drug me up or something?"

"Not drug you up, AJ. I may not have to prescribe you any medications at all. I will be able to tell you whether or not it is necessary by the third session, and if, I'm saying if I feel it's necessary, I will be prescribing you what are called anti-depressants."

"I know what those are."

"Alright. Anything else you would like to know before we turn this session back over to focus on you?"

"Are you single?"

"Pardon?"

"Because I have this friend named Howie and he's single-"

"That's quite unappropriate for you to ask."

"Sorry..." AJ apologized with a sheepish shrugged. "You're right and don't tell Howie I asked. He'll kill me if he finds out..."

*****

"You have a concert tomorrow, is that correct?" Jeanie asked as AJ walked her over to the door as she was getting ready to leave.

"Yeah."

"Well, what's your schedule like for the day?"

"Early rehersal in the morning. Who knows what happens after that. One more rehersal and soundcheck right before the concert, then comes the concert."

"Well, I was hoping we could have your second session tomorrow, so you'll have to let me know if you'll be having any free time."

"Alright, will do," AJ answered, reaching out towards the door handle. But before he could even attempt to open the door, it opened completely on it's own.

Or rather Howie opened it.

"Hey Aje, I was wondering-" Howie began to speak, but was quick to notice that AJ wasn't alone in the room. He noticed the woman standing next to AJ and gave her the quick once-over, a hidden grin forming at the corner of his lips. "Oh, I'm sorry. Am I interrupting?"

AJ rolled his eyes; he knew that Howie had just been checking Jeanie out. "No, Jeanie was just leaving."

"Oh?" Howie asked, raising his eyebrows.

AJ rolled his eyes again. "D, this Jeanie, my therapist. Jeanie, this Howie."

"It's a pleasure to meet you," Jeanie smiled, extending her hand.

Howie quickly took the hand was offered to him in a tight squeeze and he grinned. "The pleasure is all my mine."

"I will be seeing you tomorrow, AJ. Good evening gentlemen," Jeanie spoke as her hand finally dropped from Howie's strong grip.

"Yeah, see ya." AJ watched as Jeanie stepped out the door, said goodbye to Jeff, who was once again standing at his perch, and dissappeared down the hall to his left. AJ turned back to Howie. "So, what's up D?"

"We're all heading out to a movie. You want to come?"

"I'm surprised you guys haven't already gone out somewhere without me."

"Get real, man. We knew you had you're first session today and we decided to wait for you. So, you wanna go or what?"

"Yeah, hold up." AJ quickly retrieved his jacket and cellphone from the bed, then followed Howie out the door.

Maybe this therapy thing wouldn't be so bad afterall.

Chapter 23: I'm Going To Kill You Nick!

"Man, have we gone down on the quality of hotels we stay at nowadays, or what?" AJ spoke out to really noone in paticular as he layed sprawled out on the middle of the stage, rubbing a sore spot on the small of his back. He grimaced in discomfort as the spot throbbed with a small aching pain. Damn that bed back at the hotel, it had to be one of the most uncomfortable ones he had slept on in quite a while. It most defenitely made sleeping in his bunk on the tour bus look good.

"Why do you say that, Aje?" Howie asked, just barely catching AJ's comment as his ears were mostly tuned into the sound of the band tuning the instruments and getting them ready while he, himself, was doing warm-up stretches to get ready for their morning rehersal. The only thing really keeping them from proceeding on with starting the rehersal, was the absence of two of their fellow bandmates. But, Howie had the feeling they would be showing up all too soon, so he didn't give their absence much second thought.

"Because the beds are harder then a freaking rock," AJ grumbled, sitting up and moving on to rub the back of his neck. Maybe even sleeping on the floor that night would be more comfortable then going through the discomfort of sleeping on that damn bed again.

"Maybe it's just your bed, because I slept quite comfortably last night," Brian said, just sitting back and lounging. He had a look of content on his face which made AJ more then anything want to gag is disgust.

"Speak to Leighanne all night again?" Howie chuckled.

"Yep," was all Brian answered, his lips curling into a lopsided grin.

Again, AJ wanted to gag.

"So, J, how'd therapy go last night?" Brian asked, finally jumping up to do a few warm-up stretching excersises of his own. Two sets of curious eyes turned their utmost attention onto AJ, to inquire about the subject they had all been curious about, but had enough respect not to ask about the night before.

"Therapy? Well, uh...it was fine," AJ shrugged casually. He got onto his hands and knees and positioned himself to do a set of push-ups.

"It was fine?"

"Sure."

"C'mon, ya gotta have a better answer then that," Brian pushed and Howie nodded. "So what exactly went on? What is your therapist like?"

"The truth? Nothing much went on during the first therapy session, so don't be dissappointed that it wasn't very exciting," AJ heaved, pushing himself up and down with his arms, his biceps flexing. "All that went on was a bunch of introduction talking. Nothing more, nothing less. You should ask D what he thinks about her, though." A sly grin spread across his face as he shot a side glance at his best friend.

Brian also shot Howie a side glance; the shorter latino stood there looking merely confused at the fact that the conversation had so suddenly been turned on him. "What do you think about her?" Brian interrogated his friend, crossing his arms against his chest. The look on his face merely told Howie he wouldn't be leaving any time soon if he didn't provide him with a suitable answer.

"...I don't know what you're talking about," Howie answered quickly after some slight hesitation.

"Oh but D, I do believe you are lying," AJ grinned.

Howie shot the other latino the 'death glare'. "No clue whatcha talkin' about, amigo."

AJ interrupted his push-ups and jumped up from the stage floor, slinging his arm over Howie's shoulders. Howie could only roll his eyes, but looked far from happy with what AJ said next. "Our dear ol' pal here has the hots for my therapist. Quite the cutest thing when he set eyes on her last night. I swear, he was about to-"

Howie jumped away from AJ so quickly that one would think AJ's touch was that of fire and had burnt the shorter latino. His glare darkened. "That is a lie, Aje!"

"Quick to deny it, 'Rok. He just doesn't want anyone to know," AJ continued on as knowingly as before.

Howie could feel his cheeks burning, only adding to his embarrassment for the fact that he knew they were turning a beet red color. Oh man was AJ asking for it at the moment. "Shut up, Aje. You are so full of it."

"See what I mean, 'Rok?"

"Ah, isn't that just sweet? D's got a crush-"

"Zip it, mi amigo, if you know what's good for you. A crush? You make me sound like a teenage school girl from the valley!" Howie exclaimed in an appalled manner as he threw his hands up in the air.

"But Howard, you know you got a crush! Uh-huh! Uh-huh!" Brian teased, raising his voice an octive higher. For added effect, he placed one hand on his hip in a girlish manner and used his other hand to motion in the air.

Howie grimaced. "Maybe it's you who needs to go through therapy..."

It was Brian's turn to roll his eyes and he immaturely stuck his tongue out at the shorter latino. Then just when he was about to make a pointless comeback to save a percentage of his manly ego, there came an interruption from the side of the stage that was loud enough to cause the entire band to cease their tuning and all sound from the instruments to come to a screeching stop. All pairs of eyes turned to look just in time to see a bundle of blonde come dashing onto the stage. They weren't surprised that they immediately recognized the blonde as their dear friend and bandmate, Nick, but the fact that he was running around like a chicken with it's head cut off and screaming bloody murder, was what got them to wondering.

"Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!"

"Get back here, you little shit!"

The new voice was immediately recognized as coming from Kevin, and by the sound of it, he was extremely pissed off, for he rarely used explicit language as such. Then not even two seconds later, the tall Kentuckian came running around on stage, followed by a loud roaring of laughter from anyone.

Nick came running by AJ, Brian, and Howie. "Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!"

"I'm going to kill you, Carter!"

"W-what happened to your h-hair, cuz?" Brian struggled to get out through his belly-shaking bout of laughter. He used a shakey finger to point with amusement at Kevin's head. The taller Kentuckian's usually dark raven hair was no longer that, but now a platinum shiny silver grey, easily making him look as if he had aged years in advance before his time. Brian and Howie were already rolling around on the stage in a fit of laughter.

"I am going to kill him for this!!!" Kevin roared, stopping only long enough to glare at his cousin. "Look at what the little shit did to my hair! I'll kill him!!!"

"It was only a joke!" Nick exclaimed as Kevin took off chasing after him again.

"A joke? A joke?! You put dye in my freaking shampoo! I don't care if it was a joke! You ruined my hair! I'm going to kill you!!!"

"But it's only temporary! It should wash out in a day or two!"

"That's not the point! I'm going to sue you for ruining my personal image!!!"

"But Kev, you don't have a personal image and you never have!"

"That's it! Now I'm really going to kill you!!!"

The chase continued on with the two running laps around the stage, the whole while Nick still screamed as if his life depended on it, which at the moment it was sure looking that way, and Kevin screamed his head off at the blonde. All extra activities from anyone had completely stopped now and everyone was beginning to gather around the three 'sane' Backstreet Boys to watch the scene developing before them. From what they could see, Kevin was quickly gaining ground on the tall airheaded blonde and bets started waving through the small gathering of people.

"You're dead, Carter! You're dead!!!"

"But I'm too pretty to die!!!"

"He's way too full of himself," Brian murmured as he reached into his pocket for his wallet.

"And he's you're best friend," AJ teased. He, too, reached into his pocket for his wallet.

"What was I thinking..."

"The world may never know..." Howie cut in with a grin.

"You have one second to stop, Carter!" Kevin screamed, louder then ever.

"Like I'm that stupid!" Nick screamed right back.

"That's surprising! Too bad I don't believe you!"

"C'mon, give me a break! Can't you take a joke?!"

"NO!!!"

A jumbled blur of Nick and then Kevin came whirring past the small gathering and soon dissappeared backstage. The presence of Kevin and Nick's voices were still very much heard until they were interrupted by a loud commotion of something being run into and/or being knocked over, followed by a strangled and pain-filled cry of "shit!!!" coming from Nick. Everyone raised their eyebrows as silence enveloped the stage and backstage area.

Then...

"Take that to teach you a lesson about attempting something like this again! You're riding on a thin line, Carter! A thin line!" Kevin yelled back over his shoulder as he appeared on stage again, a satisfied grin on his face. He looked to see everyone staring at him with looks of everything from question to confusion to concern to amusement. Just about any expression you could think of, and all Kevin could do was hit them back with a casual look, despite the growing looks of amusement because of his "new" hairstyle. "Shall we begin with rehersal?" he asked with a grin.

*****


I lie awake on a long, dark night
I can't seem to tame my mind
Slings and arrows are killing me inside
Maybe I can't accept the life that's mine
No, maybe I can't accept the life that's mine

Simple living is my desperate cry
Been trading love with indifference, and yeah it suits me just fine
I try to hold on, but I'm calloused to the bone
Maybe that's why I feel alone
Yeah, maybe that's why I feel so alone

'Cause me...I'm rusted and weathered
Barely holding together
I'm covered with skin that peels and it just won't heal
I'm rusted and weathered
Barely holding together
I'm covered with skin that peels and it just won't heal...

The sun shines and I can't avoid the light
I think I'm holding on to life too tight
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust
sometimes I feel like giving up, yeah
I said, sometimes I feel like giving up

'Cause me...I'm rusted and weathered
Barely holding together
I'm covered with skin that peels and it just won't heal
I'm rusted and weathered
Barely holding together
I'm covered with skin that peels and it just won't heal
It just won't heal

The day reminds me of you
The night hides your truth
The earth is a voice
Speaking to you
Take all this pride
And leave it behind
Because one day it ends
One day we die
Believe what you will
That is your right
But I choose to win
So I choose to fight
To fight

'Cause me...I'm rusted and weathered
Barely holding together
I'm covered with skin that peels and it just won't heal
I'm rusted and weathered
Barely holding together
I'm covered with skin that peels and it just won't
Covered with skin that peels and it just won't
Covered with skin that peels and it just won't heal...

[Creed (Weathered/2001) - "Weathered"]

AJ scribbled aimlessly in his journal, listening intently to the lyrics of the song as he sat comfortably atop a table backstage, his back nestled against the cement wall, cooling down his body which was still overheated from the intense rehersal that morning. For once since they had started the rehersal, he was finally able to fully catch his breath and relax. It felt like he was in complete bliss to be able to sit back and just...chill for a while. And nobody was seeming to be bothering him at the moment, so he was happy. Happy to just have a bit of time to himself.

SMACK!

The pen dropped from AJ's hand as he felt the sharp blow come in contact with his right shoulder. A low growl erupted silently within him as he quickly closed the journal and slowly looked up, displeased to find himself looking up at a pair of blue eyes that belonged to none other then the infamous Nickolas "Frack" Carter. 'Well excuse me if I don't scream maniacally because I'm not a teeny' AJ thought sarcastically, almost rolling his eyes as if he had said it outloud. Still, niether exchanged a word and an uncomfortable silence began to develope until AJ pulled the headphones away from his ears and finally spoke up. "Can I help you?"

"What's up?" Nick asked, looking as if he had suddenly loosened up and shook his arms out.

AJ was forced to look at the blonde oddly. "Damn Nicky, I think that bump you aquired on your head really screwed your brain up."

"Psh..."

"Are you sure you're doing alright? That bump isn't looking very good."

Nick brought a hand up to his forehead, his expression suddenly changing. It was amazing how quickly his expressions and moods could change like that. "Actually, my head does hurt...quite a bit..."

AJ couldn't help but chuckle. "Nicky my boy, you will never learn..." Then he saw Nick eying the journal with curiosity and he quickly held it out of the blonde's reach. "What is it that you wanted?"

"Wanted to see what's up," Nick answered shortly. "Whatcha writin' there?"

"A poem?" AJ lied lamely.

"You still write poetry?"

"Are you and Kevin related?"

"Ah, Hell no!"

AJ rolled his eyes. "Yes, I still write poetry. What's it to you?"

"Can I see?"

"Um...No!"

"Aw, c'mon."

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?!"

AJ jumped down from the table, careful not to drop the journal or his cd player. "Read my flapping white-boy lips! N-O! NOOOOO!"

"Ahem, is there...a problem here?" a soft, yet stern voice sounded from behind AJ. He turned around in a flash to see his therapist, Jeanie, striding hesitantly towards the two of them. Her facial expressions spoke for her as if she felt like she were intruding.

"Nope, no problem here," AJ answered with a smile and waved Jeanie over. He looked to see, and much to his embarrassment, that Nick was sizing Jeanie up and down, and all too blatantly. Was it really that impossible for Nick to hide such a fact? AJ smacked Nick upside the head as Jeanie approached him.

"Kevin said I would be able to find you back here," Jeanie spoke, directing her words solely on AJ.

"And here I am," AJ joked, catching out of the corner of his eye that Nick was nearly drooling. 'Damn dog...' he thought as he quickly smacked Nick upside the head again. And as Nick glared at him while bringing a hand up to his head, AJ spoke again. "Jeanie, meet Nick Carter, my friend/fellow bandmate. Nick, meet Jeanie McGuire, my therapist."

Nick immediately reached out and took hold of Jeanie's hand to shake it.

"Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Carter."

"It's Nick, and the pleasure is all mine."

Jeanie smiled uncomfortably.

"Cool accent. Where ya from?"

"...England..."

"Ooh, really? Is it really true that everyone in England drinks tea all day and always talks about the weather?"

Jeanie now stared at Nick with a blank expression.

"Carter, you're retarded. Now leave," AJ rolled his eyes as he crossed his arms over his chest, staring blankly at the blonde.

"Oh fine, I can tell when I'm not wanted around," Nick answered, glaring at AJ. "Catcha late," he spoke towards Jeanie, then walked off.

"Is he always like that?" Jeanie asked with an odd expression.

"No, only when his hormones are racing..." AJ shrugged. "Wait, that would be all the time...so I guess the answer to your question is yes."

"He's quite the interesting character."

"Heh, you'll get used to him."

Jeanie smiled. "Well, are you busy right now? Because if you aren't, then I would really like to get going on our second session. Is that ok with you?"

AJ looked around absentmindedly. "Sure, why not?"

"Great."

"We can head to mine and the fellas' dressing-room, if that would work?"

"That works just fine."

"Follow me then."

*****

"Seven minutes, guys!" the stage manager announced as he came running through the backstage area in a hurried manner. If only the Boys knew exactly how much stress that guy was put through...

"Damnit, where are my shades?!" Nick yelled as he came stomping by, tugging at his already whacked-up hair. It still sounded quite odded hearing that coming from Nick, since AJ was usually the one who was complaining about not being able to find his shades. But since Nick had recently started wearing shades during parts of the concert, he was always seeming to misplace them. This scene should have been quite normal, considering Nick was involved.

Then again, who said Nick was normal...

"Did you look in the dressing-room?" Brian yelled in Nick's direction.

"Yes, and they're not there!"

"How about your duffle bag?" Howie suggested.

"Not there!" Nick did a full 360° degree turn, frustration masking his face. He spotted Kevin making last minute adjustments on his outfit for the first few numbers and Nick hurried over to him. "Kev! Kevin! Hey! I need your help!".

Kevin failed to answer.

"C'mon Kev, I'm having a crisis!"

Kevin still failed to answer.

"Hey grandpa!"

Kevin's eyes snapped towards Nick so quickly, that it made Nick jump backwards, especially when he saw the 'death glare' Kevin was giving him.

"Uh-oh..." Nick squeaked and immediately turned around to run away as Kevin began to reach for his throat. "Sunglasses! Sunglasses! Has anyone seen my sunglasses?!"

That's when Brian busted out laughing. "You dummy! They're on your head, Frack!"

AJ turned away at the moment from watching the scene and pulled his cellphone out of his pocket. He had just a few minutes left. That was all he needed to say hello quickly and that he would call later. So he quickly dialed the number, not even giving the speed-dial feature a second thought.

*RING!*

"Aje, two minutes!" Howie called over to him.

*RING!*

"Ok!" AJ yelled back over his shoulder.

*RING!*

"Hello?"

AJ's heart skipped several beats. "Jaymee?"

"Yes, who is this?"

"It's Alex-"

"J, we have to get into position!" Brian ordered, running up to AJ and tugging on his arm.

"Give me a minute!"

"You don't have a minute!"

"Alex?" Jameelah called out.

"But-"

"Now!"

"Alex?"

*CLICK*

Chapter 24: Hang Ups

"I'm open!" AJ yelled out as he waved his arms in the air, after just manuvering away from the lanky form of Nick, who was on the opposite team and trying to block him. He eyed one of his fellow teammates, Howie, who had current posession over the basketball. "D, pass the ball! I'm open!" It was him, Howie, and Brian on one team, playing a half-heated game of basketball against Kevin, Nick, and his mother, Denise. Which surprised AJ quite a bit. His mother wanting to get in on the basketball action with them...very odd. Most defenitely, she always declined any offer to ever play and was content to just sit on the sidelines watching. But when AJ came to her hotel room that morning to let her know that him and the fellas were heading to a local gym to play a few games of basketball and was seeing if she wanted to go with them, he was more surprised when his mother was actually serious when she said of course and that she would even like to get in on the basketball action. The fellas were fine with the idea, and said it would be fun. And afterall, it evened-up the teams 3-3.

AJ pivoted out of Nick's path again as the tall blonde stepped in front of him, a sweaty, but very serious game-face expression plastered on his face. Tiny beads of sweat dripped down his own temples as he tried to get closer to Howie, who was quickly becoming cornered by Kevin, which do much for Howie's own good, considering Kevin towered over him. "D!" AJ yelled out as he ran to the side and quickly caught his best friend's attention. Howie locked glances with him and rushed the ball in his direction. AJ's hands made a grab for the ball, but before he could even graze it with his finger-tips, a pair of feminine hands intercepted and carried the ball away, causing AJ to freeze in his spot with shock. "Mom!" Denise grinned as she ran away with the ball, bouncing against the ground with much determination.

"Ouch!" Howie busted out laughing as he watched the interception and the humorus expression appear on his best friend's face. "That's gotta hurt your ego, huh?"

AJ glared at Howie. "Shut up, you're supposed to be on my team!"

"I am!" Howie continued to laugh.

"Go for the shot, Denise!" Kevin instructed as Denise quickly made her way towards the basket. He was currently blocking Brian from stepping into Denise's path, so that Denise could make the basket. And it only took one shot, too. Denise did her own version of a lay up and the ball went sailing through the net without much disturbance to the netting itself. "That's game!" Kevin yelled triumphantly, stepping away from his cousin. He grinned as he slapped Nick a high-five and did the same to Denise as she came jogging back up to him with the ball.

"Didn't think your old mother had it in her, did ya, Alex?" Denise grinned as she teased her son, who was still standing in the spot where she had stolen the ball from him, arms crossed over his chest and an extremely stumped look on his face. "Beaten by your own mother..."

"You cheat...simple as that," AJ answered, tapping his foot against the ground.

"I cheat?" Denise laughed.

"Yes!" AJ gritted, raising his tone quite a bit.

"I do not cheat, and don't raise your voice with me."

"Oooooh!" came a chorus of four voices.

AJ felt his cheeks grow red.

"24 and still getting yelled at by his mother," Nick cackled, running a hand through his sweaty hair.

AJ shot a glare at the tall blonde. "At least I'm not scared of my mom."

"I'm not scared of my mom!"

"Sure Nicky, you keep telling yourself that..."

"Alexander, be nice to your friend."

"Excuse me?" AJ asked, raising an eyebrow at his mother.

"You heard me, Alexander. Be nice to your friend," Denise repeated, keeping an utmost serious look on her exhausted face.

More rounds of chorused laughter rang throughout the gym. "This is unreal..." AJ muttered, just shaking his head at his mother.

"Who's up for another game?" Brian suddenly asked.

"Not me," Denise answered, following her son over to the bleachers that were set up against one of the side walls.

"Kev?"

"Nah, cuz. I'm beat."

"D?"

"Too tired."

"Aje?!"

"Nah, I need a break!"

Brian sighed. "Nick?"

Nick grinned. "I was waiting for you to ask."

Brian grinned right back. "Great! Let's go!"

"Are you upset?" Denise asked her son as she approached him from behind.

"Upset?" AJ chuckled as he looked at his mom.

"Yes, over the fact that you were beat in the game of basketball by your mother."

"You never stop, do you?" AJ grinned.

Denise smiled. "Never.

"I love you, Mom," AJ chuckled again as he reached into his jacket pocket and secretively pulled out his cellphone, pack of cigarettes, and his lighter. Before his mother could catch sight of any of the three objects, he shoved them into both pockets of his baggy adidas warm-up pants. "I'm going outside for some fresh air," he continued, looking around and spotting his bodyguard standing next to one of the entrance doors to the gym. "Jeff, I'm heading out for some air!"

"Right behind ya," Jeff replied following AJ out one of the doors.

*****

AJ stepped out into the cooler air of the outside, loving the cool refreshing feeling it brought to his warm skin. He watched as Jeff stood guard next to the door and allowed AJ to have his space. Reaching into one of his pants pockets, he was careful to pull out the pack of cigarettes and the tiny see-through yellow lighter. 'Damn, I need to get another pack...' AJ thought as he noticed there were only four cigarettes left. But pushing the thought aside, he pulled one out and placed it lightly between his lips, shielding the lighter from a small breeze as he brought it up to light the end of the cigarette.

The stinging sensation the nicotine smoke brought to his lungs caused him to cough out spontaneously for a short second, but he quickly recovered and took another drag. He really didn't understand why he still did this, smoked that is. He had tried to quit several times, but each time he had failed terribly. And it surprised him that he still did smoke, he didn't enjoy it much. He never really had. But that's what addiction did to a person, and he hated it.

He was addicted.

Taking another drag from the cigarette, he looked down and kicked at a small pebble that stood out against the pavement and seemed very out of place. A small 'tapping' sound entered AJ's ears as the pebble bounced/rolled aimlessly away after it had come in contact with his foot. The breeze had picked up a small notch and was now wisping around him in a playful manner. And as he looked up, AJ noticed that the sky had turned a bit dark. He hated this type of weather. He didn't like coldness. Coldness made everything seem so dark and dreery.

With a final drag from the cigarette, AJ flicked the small thing to the ground and brought his foot on top of it, smushing it into the pavement. For a few seconds afterwards, he inhaled and exhaled the clean air, almost smiling as it filled his lungs. And amist the smell of smoke that was still present in the air, he could smell rain. He'd always had a keen sense for smelling it right before it started raining. Sure enough, looking up, dark clouds were already beginning to move in. 'Damn weather...' his mind growled and he produced a fresh cigarette, quickly lighting it up. 'I really need to cut down on these...'.

*Drop*

He felt the small pellet of precipitation come in contact with the skin on his face and anticipated there would be more to follow soon. The draft in the air was enough of mocking evidence that a down pour was to be in the near future. 'Can't wait to get back to Florida...at least it's warm there when it rains.' While taking a prolonged drag from the cigarette, he reached into his other pocket and pulled out his cellphone, switching it on when he noticed the power had been turned off.. It took nearly half a minute before the phone was fully on and he was able to press the speed dial button for the number he needed. But when all of that was done, he brought the phone up to his ear and waited patiently.

*RING!*

"Hello?"

AJ was shocked, someone had actually answered on the first ring. "Uh...Jenny?"

"Yeah? Who's this?"

"AJ."

"AJ?"

"Well, Alex."

"Oh! Alex!"

"Yeah, hi to you, too."

"What's up?" Jenny asked casually, which also surprised AJ, considering the last time they had spoken had not ended in good terms. "By the way, I recieved your apology and I accept it."

"I was hoping that you would. I'd hate to ruin your first impression of me."

"You ruined that a long time ago."

"Did I?"

"Not really, 'cause I guess I can give you a second chance."

"Aren't you the quick one to reconsider?"

"Don't push it."

"Is that a threat?"

"I could make it one, so like I said, don't push it."

"Very funny."

"So anyway, why ya calling?"

"Is it a crime to?"

"Never said that."

"Actually, I was calling to talk to Jaymee. Is she around?"

"Um..." Jenny hesitated for quite a long moment. "...Yeah. Let me get her for ya."

AJ kicked at another pebble absentmindedly as silence developed over both phone lines, and faintly in the background, he could hear Jenny calling out for Jameelah, "Jaymee!". And again, all he heard was silence.

*Drop, drop*

AJ looked up and was hit in the eye with another rain drop. He hadn't realized it, but it had begun to sprinkle lightly and he could already see multiple drops staining his clothing. It was only a matter of time before it really began to rain. He would have to head back inside soon.

"Hello?"

"Jaymee, hey! It's Alex!" AJ immediately answered as soon as he heard her voice come on the line, but there was no answer, causing AJ's eyebrows to furl. "Jaymee, are you there?"

"Yes, I'm here," Jameelah answered in a distant tone that surprised AJ to say the least. But what Jameelah said next, surprised AJ even more. "What do you want?"

"I was calling to talk to you," AJ almost stuttered in reply.

"Why?" Her tone was defenitely far different then what AJ had expected, and her attitude was more then a bit on the cold side. It was most evident that she was angry about something, but exactly what she was angry about...AJ could not be sure.

"Why?" he tried to clarify, wondering if he had heard her correctly. But she didn't answer him again. "Jaymee, what's wrong?"

"I'd figure that you would already know what's wrong."

"No Jaymee, I don't. Would you mind telling me?"

"First off, I was very much offended by the way your friends treated me on the phone the other day. I don't know what their problem was, but I don't appreciate being called a liar."

"Ok, I-"

"Don't interrupt me."

AJ's mouthed dropped open in silence.

"And as for you-"

"Whoa, wait a minute," AJ interrupted Jameelah again. He had already figured out why she was angry, but now she was turning this on him? His eyes narrowed in confusion. "What do you mean as for me?"

"I don't appreciate you calling, wasting my time by not saying anything, and then just hanging up."

"What?"

"Like you did last night."

"Jaymee, I can explain that. I was at the venue last night, it was showtime and-"

"Don't even bother, Alex," Jameelah cut him off before he could even finish. "You're a nice guy, but...I really am getting the feeling that I'm becoming a burden to you and you obviously feel like you have to call me, and that's not fair. And to tell you the truth, I don't want to deal with something like that."

"Jaymee-"

"Listen, I'm really busy right now, so I don't have the time to be talking on the phone. I have to go. Goodbye, Alex."

"Jay-"

*CLICK*

AJ stood there in shocked silence as he listened to the call being disconnected, the phone still pressed to his ear. He couldn't believe what had just happened, he would have never expected Jameelah to have reacted in such a way. He had never expected that she was so angry towards him in the first place. But finally, in anger, AJ hastily turned the power on the phone off and shoved it into his pocket. "Fuck!" he growled out, anger swelling within as he threw his cigarette to the ground. Then, just as a crack of thunder sounded from above, and the awaited down pour began to fall, AJ stormed back inside.

*****

Jeanie McGuire sat next to the table in AJ's hotel room, her cheek resting against her hand as she silently watched AJ continue to pace around the room. It was their third session, already nearly an hour into it, and AJ had spoken less then ten words to her the whole time. She didn't need anyone to tell her for her to see that AJ was not in the best of moods at the moment. The only thing she couldn't tell by looking at him was whether he was angry or upset. His facial expressions were made up of a mixture of emotions - anger, sadness, confusion, and any other emotion you could think of. "AJ?"

"Hmmm?" AJ murmured absentmindedly as he paced by his therapist again, his hands clasped tightly behind his back. His eyes were narrowed in intense thought, though his eyebrows were furled in confusion, his forehead creased.

"What's wrong?" Jeanie asked, sitting up straight as her left arm was starting to fall asleep from her head leaning up against it for so long. She knew she needed to find out what was eating at AJ today, as the silence was starting to get to her. Plus, it was her job as AJ's therapist to find out about his emotions.

"Nothing's wrong," AJ answered shortly, trying to steady his breath as it was coming out unevenly, just like his jumbled and mixed up thoughts were coming out of his brain unevenly.

"AJ, tell me what's wrong," Jeanie said in a soft but direct voice as she kept gaze glued on him.

"I said nothing's wrong," AJ repeated, stopping only shortly to glance at Jeanie, but continued right on with his pacing. He just didn't want to talk, he wasn't in the mood to really speak with anyone at the moment, no offense to be thrown towards his therapist.

"AJ..."

"Listen, Jeanie...I just don't want to talk about it right now."

Jeanie grew quiet as she gave a small nod. She watched AJ for a minute more before she stood up from her chair and gathered her yellow legal pad and black ball-point pen in her hands. "Well, I guess I will let you be alone right now, then," she spoke, beginning to slowly head for the door. She was hoping AJ would stop her from leaving and talk, but no such thing happened. "We'll try again tomorrow when you arrive at your next destination."

"Yeah, ok..." AJ mumbled, rubbing at his temples for a moment.

Jeanie nodded and she reached for the handle on the door, but before she could even grasp it with her hand, the handle moved and the door was pushed open, barely missing with coming in contact with her face. She stepped back, surprised, right as Howie came walking through the now open doorway. His face was adorned with a casual expression as he offered her a smile. "Hey," he greeted, his smile almost brightening as he spoke.

"Hello," Jeanie greeted, offering the latino a shy smile back.

"Hey J," Howie called out to his friend. He waited until AJ directed his gaze towards him before he spoke again. "I was just stopping by to let you know that everyone is meeting up at Kev's room in about five minutes to chill out. I think Kev's ordering a pay-per-view movie and we're all going to battle it out in a few games of poker. You gonna come?"

"No, I'm just going to hang in my room," AJ shrugged, his gaze breaking away from Howie's.

Howie's eyebrows raised when AJ declined the offer. He'd noticed that AJ's mood had changed drastically since they had come back from playing basketball at the gym earlier that day. But the thing was, Howie didn't understand what the problem. He'd tried to ask what was wrong when they were on their way back to the hotel, but AJ had just shrugged it off even then. "Alright, man. The offer's open if you want to head over later." AJ only nodded and Howie turned to Jeanie. "The offer is open to you also, if you would like to come?"

Silence fell over the two as they just stood there looking at each other for a period of several minutes, niether one blinking more then a few times. AJ rolled his eyes at the scene and walked over to the window. It was not something he wanted to be seeing at the current moment.

Finally, Jeanie shook her head slightly to pull herself out of her daydream. She bit down on her bottom lip, as if contemplating the idea, but in the end, thought against it. "I...I really shouldn't. So I'm going to decline your offer," she finally spoke, almost unwillingly.

Again, silence fell over the two as their gazes remained lock.

"Alright," Howie spoke a minute later and he offered Jeanie a smile. "I'll see you later, Aje. We leave at seven tomorrow morning. Be on the bus by ten to!" Then Howie made his exit from the room.

Jeanie watched as the door shut behind Howie and she turned her gaze on AJ. He really didn't look right at the moment, very deep in thought as far she could tell. She knew something was wrong and she only wished that he would talk to her about it right now, but at the moment, he was chosing to be stubborn, and for one time only, Jeanie decided to respect his stubborness and allow him to have time to think. Maybe she would try to get it out of him tomorrow during their next session. She could only hope. "AJ?" she called out.

"Hmmm?"

"Are you sure you're alright?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine." He gave his short answer and plopped onto his bed, staring blankly at the non-interesting ceiling.

Jeanie stood at the door. "Listen AJ, I know I'm your therapist, but I would also like to be your friend. I just want you to know that if you need someone to talk to, you can talk to me. It doesn't have to be during our sessions."

AJ shot her a side glance for moment, offering her a smile before saying, "Thanks."

Jeanie gave him a smile back, then walked out the door.

*****

AJ tossed and turned in a fitful manner within the bed sheets. The sheets were tangled around his body in an awful mess and his white wife beat clung to his persperation-damp skin. His eyes fluttered furiously under their lids before they finally popped open and he looked straight up at the ceiling through the dark, ending up on his back. Having woken up in a cold sweat and barely being covered by the tangled sheets, AJ couldn't help but shiver. The temperature in the room had seemed to have decreased several degrees since he had fallen alsleep.

Kicking at the sheets until they were laying in a heap at the foot of the bed, AJ stole a quick glimpse at the clock on the nightstand and groaned. It was only 2:28in the morning. He didn't have to be awake for another four hours at the most. But just his luck. Of course he would have to wake up at this hour. Rolling onto his stomach, he desperately buried his face in the pillow and attempted to fall back to sleep. No such luck. He clamped his eyes tightly shut and rolled to his right side. Two minutes later, he rolled onto his left side. Then finally, he sat up, sighing in exasperation. It was useless, he would not be getting back to sleep any time soon.

Well, now he'd be able to sleep his way to the next town on the tour bus. That he would defenitely look forward to.

AJ reached for the lamp on the nightstand and squinted his eyes as the bright light filled the room when he succeeded in turning it on. Once his eyes finally adjusted to the light, he looked around the room in a disoriented manner. 'Who in their right mind would be up at this hour?! Well Aje, you obviously aren't in your right mind...' AJ shook his head in dissatisfaction as he threw his legs over the side of the bed, catching glimpse of his cellphone, pack of cigarettes, and lighter. Not having anything better to do, he grabbed of all three items and headed out to the balcony.

The weather hadn't let up at all since it had started pouring earlier the day before. Good thing there was a small overhang that covered the balcony, otherwise AJ would have been soaked the moment he stood foot outside the sliding glass door. Another plus, there wasn't any wind, so the rain was basically falling in a straight down angle, leaving the two chairs on the balcony completely dry.

AJ took a seat and quickly pulled out a cigarette, lighting it up. Completing that task and taking a few drags, he turned his cell phone on, waiting for it to charge up. He knew it might turn into a mistake to be calling her at this hour, but he needed to talk to her again. He still didn't fully understand why she had acted so badly towards him on the phone, or why she had been so mad. Well, apart from the fact of Brian and Nick's rudeness...he just didn't understand. Especially since she wouldn't even give him a chance to explain exactly why he had hung up on her that one time at the venue. Wasn't she overreacting just a little bit about that?

Well, AJ was about to find out. He suddenly didn't care what time it was. He needed to give her a call because he needed to know what he had done wrong, or more specifically, what he had done to make her so upset.

AJ pressed speed dial and brought the phone up to his ear, exhaling the nicotine smoke through his nose.

*RING!*

*RING!*

*RING!*

"...Hello...?" The voice to answer was clogged with sleep and didn't sound very thrilled for recieving a call at this hour of the morning as silence took over the line. "Hello?"

"Jaymee, it's Alex," AJ answered.

"Alex?" Jameelah clarified, even more disgruntled for having recieved this phone call.

"We need to talk," AJ spoke in a determined tone of voice.

"Do you even realize what time it is?"

Oh great, now she sounded pissed.

"Yes, I do, but we need to talk."

"It can wait until later, Alex."

"No, it can't."

"What is your problem?"

"That's what I'm trying to figure out about you. I call you yesterday and you say your mad at me and you don't even give me a chance to speak. What I would like to know is what exactly have I done?" AJ answered in one long drawn out breath.

"I'm not going to get into this right now, Alex," Jameelah said. She was really sounding uptight and angry now.

AJ didn't care.

"Yes you are. I deserve a suitable explanation of what I did wrong. The least you could due is give me that explanation."

"You are acting very rude right now, and I am going to hang up on you."

"Jaymee, wait! I just want to talk-"

"Then learn how to call at decent hours. I told you I am not going to get into this right now, and I am not very happy about you calling at this hour. If you want to talk, then call at a decent hour. And until you learn how to not act so rude towards me, then don't even think about calling me back. Goodbye!

*CLICK*

Chapter 25: Thoughts Be Told

It was heading into the evening hours when the Boys finally headed over to the arena they would be playing their next show at the following evening. They entered town in a quiet manner, on account that the fans had been informed that they weren't "supposed" to arrive until the day of the concert. At least it allowed them to make it to the arena for a practice without being hassled, but all five of them knew that it was only a matter of hours before news leaked to the fans about them being in town early. Well, when that happened, like always, they would deal with it. Hopefully, they would already be at the hotel, in their rooms. Of course, they could only hope for that...

The chance of it actually happening that way?...Slim to none.

Ah, the glorious life of a Backstreet Boy.

Then again, the fans got them to where they were.

At the current moment, they were all on stage, adreneline coursing throughout each of their bodies, all of them except AJ. It was for him, out of the five, that practice just wasn't suiting him. He had his mood to blame for that. Ever since the phone call he had placed to New York at 2:30 that morning, he had been in an even more darkened mood. Worse then his mood from the previous day. He just couldn't get it out of his head how Jameelah had snapped so harshly towards him, and he still didn't understand why she was so mad at him in the first place. And that was partly for the fact that she just stubbornly refused to even acknowledge the fact that he deserved an explanation.

Why women chose to be so damn confusing sometimes, AJ would never fully understand...

"We've been through days of thunder / Some people said we don't belong / They tried to pull us under / But here we stand together and we're millions strong!"

"Let's get on with the show!"

"Let's get started!"

"Turn the lights down low!"

"Turn the lights down low!"

"You were there from the start!"

"You were there!"

"We know who you are!"

"And this one goes out to..."

"Everyone / (Yeah!) Everyone / Everyone / Said this one goes out to you! / Everyone / We're standin' strong 'cause of what you've done / This one goes out to you!"

AJ paid no attention to the music blaring from the stereo set up on the edge of the stage, nor did he pay any attention to the lyrics that his bandmates were singing. He was off in a totally different world hidden deep within his thoughts, causing him to barely even notice the fact that his legs and feet were moving, let alone feeling his body move. It was this that caused him to screw up.

And the music came to a halting stop.

"AJ!"

He heard Kevin's notorious reprimanding voice yell in his direction and he looked up from the stage floor to see Kevin standing next to the stereo, his chest moving up and down in a quickened pace from being slightly out of breath. Apart from the fact of looking tired, Kevin was beginning to look just the smallest bit angry. 'Great, here we go again...' AJ thought. 'It's yell at AJ time for screwing up.'

"What happened, AJ?" Kevin questioned, his emerald eyes piercing into AJ's dark chocolate ones.

"Nothing," AJ shrugged as he wiped a few beads of sweat away from his brow.

"Why you lagging behind then? What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong. I just wasn't paying enough attention."

"Well then, pay better attention."

'No shit, Lord Richardson...' AJ watched as Kevin re-wound the CD several seconds, shot AJ a look, then pushed the 'play' button. He hurried back into his spot as the music cued up again and they resumed their singing.

"Everyone / (Yeah!) Everyone / Everyone / Said this one goes out to you! / Everyone / We're standin' strong 'cause of what you've done / This one goes out to you!"

AJ took a shallow breath, preparing half-heartedly for his part. "We've been inside the circus / We take the pleasure with the pain / I guess there's something about us..." He zoned off again, the words slipping sloppily from his lips. His clumsiness got to him and he stumbled forward, nearly losing his balance as he tripped up during one of the dance moves.

"Dangit, AJ! Stop screwing around and concentrate!" Kevin once again yelled at him as Brian quickly took over the rest of AJ's part, watching as AJ tried to recover from his mishap.

But AJ didn't try very hard. Instead, he shot Kevin a hateful glare, wishing he would just back off. He didn't want to be doing this right now, especially when they would be going through the same thing the next day when they held the before-concert rehersal. But thanks to Mr. Perfectionist, ever since the group started, he wanted their routines to be perfect. Therefore he liked to have as many rehersals as possible. But the way AJ saw it, this was just unnecessary.

"AJ, pay attention!"

'You want me to pay attention? Fine!' AJ shot Kevin another glare as he quickened the pace at which his feet were moving, and soon enough he was getting way ahead in the routine then the others. But it soon proved to be that of a major mistake. He couldn't keep up with his own two feet and soon enough, he stepped the wrong way and resulted in twisting his right knee. His balance was completely lost, and as he fell to the ground, he could feel his knee cap pop out of place and immediately pop back into where it was supposed to be. "Shit! Shit! Shit! SHIT!!!" he howled in pain, his eyes clentched tightly shut, slamming his hand against the stage floor.

Once again, the music came to a halting stop, all four boys rushing over to their fallen bandmate.

"What the Heck was that all about?" Kevin immediately demanded to know.

"You alright, Aje?" Howie asked with expressive concern, ignoring the way Kevin had just spoken.

"No!" AJ moaned, rolling onto his back and placing a hand over his eyes. He gritted his teeth in agony.

"Let me see your knee," Howie instructed, reaching over to AJ's newly injured knee. No sooner had he placed two fingers around AJ's knee to check if it was swollen, did AJ cry out and jerked his leg away.

"Fuck, D! That hurts!"

"This wouldn't have happened if you wouldn't have been screwing around and if you would have just paid attention like I told you to," Kevin spoke, crossing his arms over his chest as he looked down at AJ. He really wasn't in the mood to be dishing out any sympathy at the moment.

"Shut up," AJ gritted, hugging his knee to his chest.

"What is your problem today, huh? You've been moody since the moment you stepped on the bus this morning."

"That's none of your damn business," AJ growled as he struggled to sit up and climb onto his feet. The moment he put any unwanted pressure on his right side, he felt a fire-like pain shoot up his leg and he grimaced. Just what he freaking needed. 'Screw up, AJ... Screw up, AJ...' his mind taunted him mercilessly, and he began to limp painfully off the stage.

"Where do you think you're going?" Kevin called after him.

"Leave me the Hell alone," AJ grumbled before he dissappeared backstage.

If AJ could say he was simply mad before, now he was plain pissed off as he limped backstage. His knee was throbbing tremendously from the extra pressure that was straining it and he immediately collapsed onto the first chair he noticed. Carefully, he began to roll up the silver-legging of his Nike warm-up pants to examine his knee. Already it was very swollen and red, much to AJ's disliking, and he winced as he poked at his knee with his finger. "Just freakin' great..." he muttered.

"You ok Aje?"

AJ looked up from his injury to find Howie entering the backstage area. His friend slowly approached him, eyes masked with concern. "I'm...fine," AJ shrugged.

Howie raised an eyebrow as he caught sight of AJ's knee. "Dang, that looks like it hurts."

"No D, it tickles," AJ replied, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

Howie rolled his eyes. "Crappy day?"

'You have no idea...'

"Listen D, do me a favor. Go get Jeff and call me a cab."

"Why?"

"Because I'm going back to the hotel."

"Don't do that, Aje. Just come back out on stage and chill while the rest of us continue to reherse."

"No. My knee is killing me and I don't want to be here right now."

"But-"

"Just go get Jeff and call me a cab, please?"

Howie sighed. "Fine." And he walked off.

*****

'What I wouldn't do to be back at my own home, chillin' in my own theater...damnit! I miss my theater!' AJ thought pitifully to himself as he layed propped up on the bed in his hotel room. With a good sized ice-pack resting on his still-throbbing knee, he flipped aimlessly through the channels on the television. And what a surprise! Once again...there was nothing on. Just his damn luck, too. 'This sucks...this sucks...this sucks!'

Could his day possibly get any worse? Or was it even safe for him to question that? He was running on approximately five hours of sleep; four at the previous hotel and only one on the bus, all thanks to the rukus Brian and Nick were causing. AJ would have murdered the airheads if it would have meant he would have accomplished the task of getting a few hours of restful sleep. But no...not him. Now, not only was he suffering from a painful knee injury, he was also beginning to develope a stupid headache. Damn stress...

"Why don't these damn hotels ever have anything good on?!" AJ growled out in frustration as he glared at the tv. He didn't give a flying hoot about Five Star French Cuisine Chef Jaque and his wonderful delicious Escargo al a Duck dish. 'I want some McDonalds...'

Disgusted with the sight of the dish the chef was preparing, AJ put the tv on mute and reached for his cellphone. He needed to talk with Jameelah and he was determined to find out, once and for all, what the heck was going on. He'd be damned to get in another argument over the phone with her. So, he quickly dialed her number.

*RING!*

*RING!*

Jameelah's voice answered. "Hello?"

"Jaymee, we need to talk and you're NOT going to hang up on me this time," AJ immediately said, not thinking much about his first choice of words. He wanted to get right down to business.

There was silence on Jameelah's end before she finally replied, and when she did, her tone ringed with offense. "Who are you to say what I am and what I am not going to do?" she spat.

AJ was done keeping his cool. "I just want to know what the Hell is going on!"

Jameelah was never keeping her cool to begin with. "I can't believe you're speaking to me this way."

"Well I'm sick and tired of being left in the dark about why you are pissed off at me!"

"You are really pushing it, Alex."

"I deserve to at least know what the Hell I did wrong!" AJ exclaimed as he flung the tv remote to the bed.

"Why should you even care?" Jameelah questioned in a cold voice.

Yep, AJ was damned...because already they were arguing.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me," Jameelah repeated, but sighed. "Why don't you just stop wasting my time and I'll stop wasting your's."

AJ could feel the anger boiling within his veins as his eyes grew dangerously dark. He was growing tired of dealing with this; all he wanted was a simple explanation! "Damnit, Jaymee! What is this all about?"

"C'mon, Alex...don't play stupid. I can tell you feel like you have an obligation to keep in touch with me. And that's not fair. You don't have the time to call me and I understand that, but I don't need you feeling like you have to call me. 'Cause then I feel like I'm just being a pest," she told him in one long drawn-out breath.

"You think I feel like I have to call you?" he asked in disbelief.

"Are you trying to deny it?"

"Yeah, as a matter of a damn fact, I am! I don't know what the Hell your problem is, Jaymee, but I'm getting sick and tired of this! It's starting to sound like bullshit, and as far as I'm concerned, it doesn't seem like I've done anything wrong!"

Maybe not the best choice of words...

"You are going way too far-"

But AJ no longer cared.

"The Hell I am! Ya know, I'm sorry that my two friends acted like such asses towards you, it's not my fault they can be the biggest morons ever! And I'm sorry for hanging up on you the other night! I was at the venue for the concert and it was showtime. Brian dragged me off before I could get a chance to tell you I had to go, so don't you dare go blaming that on me! And just to let you know, I've never felt like I had an obligation to keep calling you! If that was the case, I wouldn't have wasted my time calling you in the first place! Whether you believe it or not, I actually look forward to talking to you! I have ever since I met you that night! So where the Hell do you get off saying I feel like I have an obligation to call you? You don't know me!"

"You're right, Alex. I don't know you, and I obviously don't have the chance to ever know you."

AJ sighed out in exasperation. "My Lord, you are impossible!"

"Screw you!"

"It's true though!"

"I'm sorry, but this conversation is over! Don't ever call me again, Alex!"

*CLICK*

*****

Jeanie McGuire walked briskfully down the quiet hotel hallway, offering a friendly smile as she passed by an elderly couple en route to the elevator in the opposite direction of which she was heading. By the position of the hands on her watch, she could tell that it was already nearing 7:00 and she still hadn't spoken or seen AJ that day. On account that they had left extremely early that morning, she wasn't able to meet up with him, and as soon as they arrived in the next town, they went straight to the arena they were performing at to hold an informal rehersal. Jeanie arrived in town almost two full hours after the Boys and decided against going to the arena to speak to AJ; she would just wait until they got to the hotel. That had been over four hours earlier and she was guessing hopefully that they were here now.

The short journey to AJ's hotel room was uneventful and as she rounded a final corner, she spotted AJ's bodyguard, Jeff, perched outside the doorway. "Hello," she greeted in a polite manner as she neared the tall, muscle bound man. It was no wonder that the man made her feel intimidated; he stood at a mere estimated 6'2" tall, his hands were burly and looked like they could crush any object with a single careless squeeze, and his biceps looked to be well-built from mindless hours of working out and lifting weights. Without question, he fit the typical description of what a "body guard" should look like. "You look like you're having a grand ol' time right now."

Jeff offered back a lop-sided grin. "Eh, it's my job and I get paid. So, I'm not complaining," he replied.

"On account that you're at your perch," Jeanie joked, "I'm guessing that AJ is in his hotel-room?"

"Uh, yes...he is. But um, I'm not sure if you really want to speak to him right now," Jeff hesitated, motioning to the door with his head.

"Why not?" Jeanie questioned, raising her eyebrows.

"He's having a bit of an argument on the phone with someone. He's not very happy."

"Well, I might be able to help him with that. Could you let me in?"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, it's my job. So I'm sure."

"Alright then. Good luck," Jeff shrugged and slid his key card into the lock slot. There was a small 'clicking' noise to signal that the door had indeed been unlocked and Jeff effortlessly pushed it open to allow Jeanie to step inside. And with a "good-luck" smile, he quietly shut the door behind her.

Jeanie felt a small trace of wonder fall over her, though the feeling left as quick as it had come. She subconciously jumped as she heard the door shut slowly behind her, but hid her sheepish act with a small smile as she stepped further into the room. Her ears finally began to tune into all sound that was going on as her hazel eyes scanned the room and Jeanie spotted AJ propped on the bed, an ice pack placed gingerly over his right knee. Oddly, AJ hadn't noticed that he was no longer alone in the room, giving Jeanie the perfect opportunity to listen in and get some insight on what was being said in his argument over the phone.

"Why should you even care?"

The speaker on the other end was speaking loud enough that Jeanie could clearly make out every word said, and she had no problem immediately identifying the voice as being that of a female. Keeping her eyes glued on AJ, Jeanie watched as a dumb-struck look clouded his eyes, but was quickly replaced with that of confusion. His dark eyebrows furled as his lips parted.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me." Jeanie faintly heard the female sigh before continuing. "Why don't you just stop wasting my time and I'll stop wasting your's."

Jeanie felt the uneasiness creep in as she watched a dark look pass over AJ's eyes. At that current moment she had no clue what to make of the look or how to even begin to read AJ's eyes.

"Damnit, Jaymee! What is this all about?"

"c'mon, Alex...don't play stupid. I can tell you feel like you have an obligation to keep in touch with me. And that's not fair. You don't have the time to call me and I understand that, but I don't need you feeling like you have to call me. 'Cause then I feel like I'm just being a pest."

"You think I feel like I have to call you?"

"Are you trying to deny it?"

"Yeah, as a matter of a damn fact, I am! I don't know what the Hell your problem is, Jaymee, but I'm getting sick and tired of this! It's starting to sound like bullshit, and as far as I'm concerned, it doesn't seem like I've done anything wrong!"

'Uh-oh...' Jeanie thought as she silently slid over to the table and placed her pen and yellow legal pad down. AJ still failed to notice her. His eyes were filled with so much anger that he was zoned completely in on the cell phone in his hand. If Jeanie didn't know any better, she would have guessed that AJ looked about ready to lash out at someone.

She continued to listen.

"You are going way too far-"

"The Hell I am! Ya know, I'm sorry that my two friends acted like such asses towards you, it's not my fault they can be the biggest morons ever! And I'm sorry for hanging up on you the other night! I was at the venue for the concert and it was showtime. Brian dragged me off before I could get a chance to tell you I had to go, so don't you dare go blaming that on me! And just to let you know, I've never felt like I had an obligation to keep calling you! If that was the case, I wouldn't have wasted my time calling you in the first place! Whether you believe it or not, I actually look forward to talking to you! I have ever since I met you that night! So where the Hell do you get off saying I feel like I have an obligation to call you? You don't know me!"

"You're right, Alex. I don't know you, and I obviously don't have the chance to ever know you."

AJ sighed out in exasperation. "My Lord, you are impossible!"

"Screw you!"

"It's true though!"

"I'm sorry, but this conversation is over! Don't ever call me again, Alex!"

AJ opened his mouth to speak, but no sound ever escaped his lips. Instead, he sat there in silence, hurt casting over his deep chocolate eyes. Jeanie needed to do nothing more then to just look at his facial expressions to know that this person had indeed hung up on him, and by the looks of it, it had hurt AJ more then Jeanie could ever understand. Then, unbeknownst to AJ, he chucked his cell phone with all his fury directly towards Jeanie, letting out a deep growl.

"AJ!" Jeanie gasped as her hands shot up in front of her face and caught hold of the cell phone just in time before it came in contact with her forehead, smack dab in the middle. AJ's head shot in her direction and he looked at her in disbelief, more shocked then anything to see that she was actually there. "AJ?"

AJ blinked at his therapist several times, his lips pursed tightly together, then looked away.

"AJ?" Jeanie called out again, scooting her chair closer to the bed. "AJ look at me."

Unwillingly, AJ forced his gaze back to Jeanie's, his chest rising and falling with unsteady breaths. 'Just go away' he thought hatefully as he looked at her for a second. Then he spoke, "Before you even ask, there's nothing wrong."

Jeanie barely shook her head, dissapproving of AJ's comment. She leaned forward in her seat a little to make sure he kept eye contact with her. "AJ, you look like you're about ready to cry," she spoke softly, seeing small tears appearing at the corner of AJ's eyes. His long eyelashes fluttered as he blinked rapidly in a pathetic attempt to hide what was already obvious.

"No," he immediately tried to deny, his voice unsure and his eyebrows furling even more. "I'm about ready to break something out of sheer anger or hurt myself! Does that interest you?!"

"Yes, it does," Jeanie answered. She caught sight of AJ taking the ice-pack off his knee in a hasty manner and getting ready to chuck it at the wall, but she grabbed hold of his wrist, preventing him from doing so, and she took the ice-pack with her other hand. Catching a glimpse of AJ's knee, Jeanie winced at how swollen and red it was at the moment. A nice purple bruise had already formed on the side of his knee from the injury and Jeanie quickly pressed the ice-pack back against the skin. It was the coldness AJ needed to get the swelling down. She looked back into his eyes, choosing not to question him about how he had sustained the injury. "Just tell me what was going on during that phone call?"

"Isn't it already obvious?" AJ hissed, clearly not happy from Jeanie's action. He tried to pull his once again throbbing knee away from her, but she held his leg in place. She wasn't letting him go anywhere. "Let go, damnit!" he demanded.

Jeanie ignored what he said and firmly held his leg down. "No, it's not quite clear what all was going on. Care to clear things up for me?"

"Yes! It's none of your business!"

"You're wrong there, AJ. It is my business," Jeanie told him in a quiet yet force tone of voice. "Part of being your therapist means being entitled to knowing what is going on and what has happened. If you can't oblige to that, then I can't be your therapist. Now I'm only trying to help, but in order for me to do that successfully, you can't hold anything back. You need to speak to me."

"You wouldn't understand!"

"Try me."

"No, you wouldn't understand."

"Why's that?"

"Because you've never had trouble in the area of your love life before!"

"Oh really?" Jeanie asked, almost scuffing as she pulled her hand away from AJ's knee and sat up in her seat. It brought her relief to see that at least AJ didn't attempt to cause damage with the ice-pack again. His eyes were narrowed at her, almost in a challenging manner, but Jeanie wasn't going to back down. "And who gave you the right to assume such a thing?"

"Oh, come on! Who are you trying to fool!"

"No, AJ. You're the one who's trying to fool. You're assuming I've never had trouble in the area of my love life, which mind you, is none of your business. But where do you go about assuming such a thing? You don't know me."

"Get real, Ms. McGuire," AJ growled, shrinking away as hurt took over his body. He'd already succeeding in getting one person deeply pissed at him, could he count on Jeanie being a second?

"No, you get real, Mr. McLean," Jeanie answered back with just as much forcefulness. Without so much as a second thought, she reached into her pocket and pulled out a small picture, shoving it into AJ's hand.

AJ was shocked from Jeanie's sudden movement and he stared down at the picture in his hand. Immediately, he recognized Jeanie - her hazel eyes, golden strawberry blonde locks of hair, and the fact that she was wearing the same exact outfit as the one she had been wearng several nights ago when he'd first met her. But the other person in the picture...AJ had no clue as to who it was. It was a little girl who looked to be around the age of three, no older. Slender brown curls reached down to her tiny shoulders and she had bright sapphire eyes that went along perfectly with her toothy grin. She too, like Jeanie, was wearing a pair of khaki pants that flared at the bottom, and her tank top was blue, only it had white-beaded flowers decorating the front. And she wasn't wearing a jean jacket. AJ looked back up at Jeanie. "What's this supposed to mean to me?" he asked, still holding the picture until Jeanie snatched it away from him.

"The little girl in the picture..." Jeanie trailed, her eyes looking down at what was in her hands.

"Yeah, I noticed her. Who is she? Your niece?"

"No, she's my daughter...Alyssa," Jeanie answered, her voice quiet and somber. She continued to study the picture.

"You have a daughter?" AJ clarified.

"Yes, AJ...I do," Jeanie nodded. She took one last look at the picture before slipping it back into her pocket and looking up at AJ again. "She just turned three last month. She's my pride and joy."

"I bet you two are very close, huh?" AJ inquired, not understanding why his therapist would be telling him about this.

"No, we aren't."

"I don't understand-"

"I'm going to be open with you in hopes that you will be open with me when I'm done talking," Jeanie told him, preparing to say what she needed to say. "Like I told you when I met you a few days ago, I started my college education in London and finished it here in the United States. It was here in the states and at college that I met Jackson Hollister, who is Alyssa's father. I guess I can say he was my first "true" love as some people like to put it...or so I thought. We dated for several months and things started to really get serious, aside from us both being deeply involved with earning our degrees. Jack was studying to become a lawyer, and me, well...you know what I was studying to become. Anyway, only a year after Jack and I got together, I became pregnant with Alyssa. At first, Jack was the typical loving boyfriend, vowing to stand by me and help me raise our daughter once she was born. Then, only six months after Alyssa was born, Jack changed completely. He began to accuse me of neglecting our daughter. He said I cared more about my career then I did about Alyssa, when in fact several times I almost had to sacrifice my career to be able to provide for my daughter. Jack was doing nothing to help. But he knew how to work his way around the ropes, provided he was studying to become a lawyer. He also had his connections, his little inside lawyer friends. So he knew what he was doing when he took me to court to fight for custody of Alyssa after we had called the relationship off. He claimed that he could provide better for Alyssa then I ever could and that he was moving back to London to be closer to his family and practice law there. I basically had no chance against him and in the end, he was rewarded custody of our daughter and was given permission to move her back to London with him. That was almost two and a half years ago. Since then, I've only seen my daughter twice. The day I said goodbye in the airport when Jack took her to England at the age of seven months, and last month when I flew to London to visit her on her third birthday. So, you see AJ, I have had one shitty relationship and my love life has been far from happy."

"I'm sorry..." AJ whispered.

"I am too, because I would do anything to be able to see my daughter more."

"How come you just don't go over there and see her? You can fly over there when you have the money."

"I don't always have the money, AJ. My career doesn't allow me to take a vacation whenever I want. And I'm trying to build my case against Jack to win custody of Alyssa back. So right now, I have to deal with weekly letters and daily phone calls. It's the closest thing I've got to my daughter and I'm at least thankful for that."

"I'm sorry..." AJ whispered again.

Jeanie offered AJ a small smile, lifting the ice pack from his knee to check on the swelling. The swelling had gone down the slightest bit and Jeanie blushed at the fact that she had checked AJ's knee without evening thinking about it. A unconcious thought at the most. Reaching behind her towards the table, she grabbed hold of her pen and yellow legal pad, then turned back towards AJ. "So...you ready to talk now?"

"Talk about what?"

"About that phone call I just witnessed. About everything that's been happening in your life. Whatever you want to talk about AJ. I want to know what's going on in your head, what you're thinking, so I can help you."

"Where would you like me to start?"

"Wherever you feel you need to."

"I think I've been a fuck up ever since the moment I entered this world," AJ grumbled as he leaned back into his pillows. He tried desperately to push aside the throbbing pain that had returned to his knee. "A fucking screw up who makes mistakes wherever he goes."

Jeanie looked at AJ in wonder. She could see his true emotions conveyed through his eyes at that very moment. His whole mood had changed so drastically that it actually surprised Jeanie, to the point where her pen stood in a frozen position above the note pad. She waited patiently for him to continue.

"No wonder my life has been Hell...I deserve it because I'm a fucking screw up."

"Why do you feel that way?"

AJ eyed Jeanie. "Because nothing has gone right in my life."

"What about your career? Isn't this what you wanted?"

"Yeah, sure it is. But it's also got it's downsides. Everyones' got all these expectations that they expect Alexander to live up to, and when Alexander isn't a perfect saint like they expect, and when he doesn't live up to their expectations, then he's a failure to them. Well I'm so fucking sorry that I'm a screw up!"

"Who do you expect thinks of you as a failure?"

"Everyone. Everyone who knows me. My mom, the fellas, management, our record label, probably our whole freaking fan base."

"I'm sure they don't think of you as a failure. Everyone makes mistakes, AJ."

"Yeah, well...I tend to make a Hell of a lot more then your average every day person. For Christ's sake, I became an alcoholic! How much lower can you go? I abused alcohol! I was an asshole! Nobody wanted to be around me!"

"And what did you do about your alcohol problem?"

"Went to rehab."

"To get help, right?"

"Yeah..."

"And why's that?"

"Because I was an alcoholic and I couldn't deal with my problem on my own!"

"How'd you go about getting help? I mean, how'd you end up getting into rehab?"

"I admitted to the fellas that I had a problem, and poof! Rehab, here I come!"

"Why do you think the fellas helped you?"

"Because they were ashamed that I was such a failure and they felt sorry for me. Hell, I don't know."

"Do you really mean that?"

"I don't know..."

"AJ..."

"I don't know-"

Jeanie sighed. "You need to think about it, AJ. Do you honestly think they helped you just because they were ashamed that you were quote-unquote a "failure", or maybe it's because they actually care about you?"

AJ crossed his arms over his chest as he bit down on his bottom lip, looking off to the side of the room. "Yeah, I guess..." he answered quietly.

"So, one of your biggest issues is you feel like you're a big screw up and everyone looks down on you because of that?"

"Pretty much..." AJ nodded. "Ya know, I don't try to screw up like I have. I wanna make everyone proud. I try to do right, but somehow...in the end, I always end up screwing up. I screw everything up. It's like I'm damned to make mistakes wherever I go-"

"You're only human. Part of life is making mistakes."

"But when your whole existance feels like one big mistake...is that part of life too?"

"What do you mean?"

"Sometimes I don't even know what I mean," AJ shrugged.

"Try to explain. The more explanations you give, the better I can understand. so, take your time."

"Are your parents divorced?" AJ suddenly asked, locking gazes with Jeanie.

"No, they've been happily married for going on twenty-nine years," Jeanie answered. "Why?"

"You're lucky. I never knew my dad. He and my mom divorced when I was really little and my mom raised me with the help of my grandparents."

"Do you think that's affected you in some ways?"

"Yeah, I hate my dad for how much he hurt my mom. He didn't do shit to try to be a part of my life. That is until I became a "Backstreet Boy". Then I guess dad thought he could jump right in and be a part of my life. Well, fuck him! I hate him! He's an asshole...I'll never forgive him for leaving..."

"AJ, I'm sorry about that..."

AJ shrugged it off as his eyebrows furled. "My mom and I don't need him. We haven't needed him since the moment he left."

"I'm guessing you and your mom are extremely close?"

AJ nodded. "She raised me. She's the number one woman in my life. I couldn't survive without her."

"You should feel lucky that you have a mother who loves you so much."

"I do feel lucky...but..."

"But?"

"I really hate myself for all the stuff I've put her through over the years."

"But she loves you regardless."

"Does she?" AJ scuffed.

"Keep going..."

"I don't know how she's put up with me. I've let her down in every way imaginable. I've failed with everything I promised I would succeed."

"Your career-"

"Hell, there are times I even think I've failed at that."

"Continue."

"I would do anything to make her proud of me. I mean, sometimes I wonder if she ever really is? And, I vowed not to go through the same thing my mom went through with my dad. I promised myself that I would find the one woman I truly loved and I would never make her go through the same thing that my dad made my mom go through."

"Haven't had much luck in that area?"

AJ scuffed and rolled his eyes. "I've had my share of girlfriends, and yeah, I like to have a good time. Who doesn't? But each time I start getting really close to a girl, it all blows up in my face. Then with Sarah-"

"Who's Sarah?"

"My ex-fiance..."

"Ok."

"I swore to God that Sarah was the one. I just had this feeling about her. She was so...I don't know how to explain it. She made me feel good. I cared alot about her and I loved her so much. I guess that's why I chose to propose to her. I really thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her."

"And?"

"Once again it blew up in my face. A couple months before the wedding was supposed to take place, Sarah broke the engagement off. Didn't even bother to give an explanation. Just took the ring off her finger and placed it in my hand, saying she couldn't go through with the wedding. Then she left."

Jeanie nodded and scribbled a few words on the legal pad. She looked up to see that AJ was staring down at his hands, twisting a few rings that he wore on his fingers. His facial features were contorted into a look of pain, but somehow Jeanie figured it wasn't coming from his knee injury. "How long ago did that happen?" she asked, tapping her pen quietly against the pad.

"About four months ago..."

"You really loved her?"

"Thought I did..."

"I understand how you feel. It hurts alot."

"You're telling me."

"Now, what about that phone call, if you don't mind talking about it?"

"That was Jaymee, and...she hates me now," AJ shrugged, his heart slowly dying out. He'd some how managed to screw up again. He still didn't know what he'd done to get Jameelah so angry with him, but one thing he did know for sure was that she hated him with a passion. Or so it sure sounded like it over the phone.

"Why do you say that?"

"Because I somehow managed to screw up and piss her off. Funny thing is, I still have no clue as to what it is I did that got her angry with me in the first place. But go figure. Like I said, I'm a screw up. I shouldn't be surprised." AJ let got of a small sarcastic laugh as he shook his head and rubbed at his temples. "I'm probably just too damn ignorant to realize what it is I did. Great going, AJ! You fucked up again!"

"How long have you known Jaymee?" Jeanie winced from AJ's verbal abuse against himself. She knew that was one of his problems, he was too hard on himself with some things. Jeanie scribbled a few more notes, not taking her eyes off AJ.

AJ looked thoughtful for a moment. "Two weeks, maybe? I met her when we were in New York. Got her phone number the night I met her, hung out with her the next day, and I told her I'd keep in touch when I left. Funny thing is, I really meant it when I said I wanted to keep in touch with her. I actually liked her. But that just shows what I am."

"What's that?"

"A fool."

"Why-"

"Because I'm a fucking screw up! How many times do I need to say that?"

"Enough so that you get it out of your system. You need to realize that every little mistake you make does not mean you are a screw up, AJ," Jeanie answered, shifting in her seat. She would have thought that this hotel would have had more comfortable chairs then what they actually provided. "Life is full of mistakes. You live and you learn. But you can't live your life thinking that you're a screw up or you're a failure because you've had your fair share of mistakes. It's unfair to yourself and it won't make your life any easier."

'My life never has been easy' AJ thought.

"So, where did you meet Jaymee?"

"On a bridge."

"A bridge? That's an interesting place to meet someone."

'If only you knew...' AJ thought again, but nodded his head in agreement. "Yeah. I had gone for a walk that night and ended up on that bridge. Then she just happened to come along." He reached over to his nightstand and grabbed hold of the pack of cigarettes and his lighter. He knew, of course, that this was a non-smoking room, but personally he didn't care about following those rules at the moment and he couldn't very well go out to the balcony for a smoke. So he figured he'd smoke a few cigs, spray a bit of air-freshener around the room and no-one needed to know. "Cig?" he asked, offering one to Jeanie.

"No thank-you, I don't smoke," Jeanie politely declined, shaking her head.

"Do you mind then?"

"No, go right ahead." Jeanie watched in silence as AJ stuck the cigarette between his lips and raised the lighter. "AJ, I would like to discuss your suicide attempt," she spoke up slowly, trying to think of the best way to word the prompt. AJ froze mid-way in lighting his cigarette, looking sideways at Jeanie. His face paled greatly as if all the blood had drained from his face and he gulped, the breath catching in his throat. "That is...if you are willing to talk about it right now...?"

AJ felt the nervousness creep over him. He was dreading this moment, knowing sooner or later his therapist would bring it up, and knowing that sooner or later he would have to talk about it. After all, it was the attempt that caused him to have to meet with a therapist in the first place. He struggled to swallow, his throat feeling dry and scratchy all of a sudden, the cigarette falling from his lips and landing in his lap.

"If you don't want to talk about it today, we can wait," Jeanie told him, careful not to rush into the subject too quickly.

"I..." AJ found himself struggling to talk. He bit down on his bottom and looked down at his hands for a few moments. His voice kept catching in his throat. "I'll talk," he finally answered, his voice quiet and wavering.

"If you don't feel comfortable-"

"No, I want to talk about it." AJ cut Jeanie off, his voice confident and direct this time.

AJ still didn't look so sure about his answer, but Jeanie chose to believe him as she sat back in her seat. "Could you tell me why you decided to try and take your life?"

"Why?"

"Yeah."

"Every day problems I guess..." AJ bit down on his bottom lip again, trying to gather his thoughts in a way that would actually make sense when he spoke them. "Fights with the fellas, disagreements, my mistakes. I feel like a general fuck up and no one likes me."

"What makes you feel like that?"

"Everyone. I mean, of course they don't come out and say it, but it's the little things, ya know? 'AJ, stop doing that!', 'AJ! Why won't you ever listen?!', 'AJ, stop messing around and pay attention!', 'Good going AJ. You messed up, again.'. Basically makes me feel like shit at the end of the day."

"Have you tried speaking to everyone about how you feel?"

"Yeah, but it really doesn't make a difference, because they don't realize they're doing it. Sometimes I don't blame them for yelling at me, but it gets old after a while. I know of my mistakes, yet they keep repeating it over and over. And damn Kevin, I swear he bitches about the littles things. It doesn't take much to piss the guy off and I always tend to succeed in doing so on a daily basis. It never fails."

"He's hard to get along with?"

"He can be."

"Everyone knows somebody like that."

"It just gets so bad that sometimes I don't even want to talk to them. I just want to go away and not speak to them or even see them. I never feel like I get anything positive from anyone. And even if I do, it doesn't register in my brain anymore. It's like it goes in one ear and out the other, not bothering to stay. Positive comments don't stick with me anymore, it only seems like the negative ones stick. And life really starts to suck when on a day to day basis you find yourself wondering when you're going to fuck up next. It gets annoying."

"How long have you felt like this?"

"Seems like forever..."

"I see."

"Sometimes I wish I could go back to being a little kid, void of making any mistakes and live an innocent life."

"Everyone feels that way at one time or another."

"I've had my share of problems in life, and really, I have tried so hard to put my life together and get it on the right track. I haven't meant to screw up so badly. But it never seems like anything I do helps or matters. I've never had luck in the dating department, I became an alcoholic and got sent to rehab, I met Sarah and thought, truly thought that I had found the one to make my life complete, then she crushed my heart when she left. And I seem to make mistakes at every turn. I don't know...a lot of the time I feel like I'm just in everyone's way. It doesn't feel like anyone ever wants me around and I hate to see them in pain because of the things I've done or caused. I'm sick and tired of feeling like a waste of space in this world...so...I just...wanted to get rid of myself. By doing so I thought I would be doing everyone a favor. It's the times when I've screwed up so badly, when someone's angry with me, that I just don't want to live anymore."

"How often do you feel this way, or this badly?"

"Most of the time."

"Most of the time?"

AJ nodded.

"AJ...is this one of those times?"

"Yeah...it is."

Chapter 26: The Truth Can Hurt

"Cut it out Nick and play by the rules!" Brian ordered in a frustrated voice as Nick punched at the buttons on his game controller in a childish manner, leaning heavily into Brian to keep him from playing the game successfully. But Nick failed to listen once again, or rather he was stubbornly choosing to block Brian's words out of his brain. Either way, the frustration was getting to the Kentuckian and soon enough he became fed up with Nick's immature antics on always insisting on winning the video games.

"Give it up Frickster! For I am the master and you can never beat me in the sporting art of playing video games! Muahahahahahaha!!!" Nick's voice cackled maniacally in Brian's face. He then immediately glued his attention back on the television screen.

Brian nearly fell backwards from the force emitting from Nick's childish words, or maybe it was just Nick's bad breath. But it was Nick's mood at the very moment that caused Brian's eyebrows to raise in an uneasy questioning manner. "Whoa, what kinda crack are you on?" he asked, leaning all of his weight against Nick's in an attempt to retaliate and cause Nick to screw his position up in the game. Much to Brian's disliking, it wasn't happening.

"That would be top secret information Fricko! You'll never get it out of me alive!!!" Nick screamed, moving to stand in front of the tv. He giggled uncontrollably as his character zoomed ahead of Brian's in the little race, on account that Brian's could no longer see the screen.

"Nick! Get your big butt out of the way!" Brian's tone cracked as he blindly drove his character on the track.

"Never!"

"Now!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"I said yes! Now MOVE!!!"

"No such luck!" Nick grinned at Brian over his shoulder and stepped even closer to the television. Only a mere few seconds went by before Nick abruptly dropped his controller and threw his hands in the air in a triumphant manner. "HA! Who da man?! Who da man?!" he whooped as he began to do a little victory dance in his spot.

"Only because you cheat!" Brian shot back and threw down his own controller. He jumped up. "And don't lie, because you are a bad liar. Almost as bad as D."

"Hey! I resent that!" Howie immediately defended himself, slightly glaring at his younger Kentuckian friend.

"I'm only speaking the truth, D," Brian replied innocently, a grin on his face. "Thou shall not lie, for lying is a sin."

"Yeah, you would know, considering you're the walking, talking, Bible."

"Damn straight," Brian continued to grin.

"Who's the video game master, Brian? Huh? Huh? Who is he?!" Nick continued to cackle, egging Brian on as he poked him annoyingly in the shoulder.

"Not you, you blonde freakin' moron!" Brian hollered and tackled Nick to the ground, catching the tall blonde off-guard. The two of them landed on the floor with a loud thump and a muffled "oomph" from Nick. Brian, however, immediately pinned his friend's arms down and plopped onto his stomach. "Now who da man?!"

"Get...off...me!" Nick screeched, struggling under Brian's hold.

"Um...how about...no!"

"I mean it! Get off me!"

"No chance, Nicky!"

"Now you've really done it!" Nick growled deeply and quickly threw Brian to the floor, pinning him. "Never, and I mean never call me Nicky. Understood?!"

"Yes sir, Nicky!" Brian saluted.

"I'ma beat you senseless, Frick!"

"I'd like to see you even try, Frack!"

"Grow up, you two," Kevin tried not to laugh as he forced a semi-serious look on his face. He cleared his throat and furled his eyebrows, setting a deep glare in his emerald eyes just as they heard a knocking on the door. "'Cause if you don't, then I'll...I'll...be forced to...ground both of you! And I don't want to have to do that if I don't have to!"

Brian and Nick stopped their wrestling and looked at each other, before finally busting out in belly-holding laughter.

"You...ground us?" Brian laughed helplessly, staring at his cousin in a comical manner.

"Yeah, me ground you," Kevin repeated, standing up to go over to the door.

"And how do you propose you're going to do that?"

"Easily. Aunt Jackie gave me permission a long time ago."

"Maybe back when the group first started, but even then you wouldn't have been able to ground me, you old fart!"

"Yeah, you old fart!" Nick chorused, wanting to get his say in the situation like always.

"Watch what you say, Carter. I still have say over what you can and can not do, even if you are twenty-two years old!" Kevin grinned with satisfaction at the stumped look on Nick's face and he carefully took a look into the peep hole. At first he had to squint to see the person clearly, but eventually recognized the person standing on the other side of the door as being Jeanie McGuire, AJ's therapist. She was looking around the hall nervously as she waited for the door to open.

"Who's at the door?" Howie asked before Kevin had a chance to reach for the door handle.

The older Kentuckian looked back over his shoulder at the shorter latino. "AJ's therapist," came his answer.

Howie jumped up from his chair with lightning speed and raced over to the door, pushing Kevin aside. "Let me answer the door," he replied with a shrug, offering Kevin an apologetic look.

"Of course D wants to open the door," Brian snickered.

Howie shot him a glare. "Can it amigo, if you know what's good for ya."

"Sometimes I wonder if the name "Sweet D" actually fits him anymore," Brian mumbled, jumping up from the floor and plopping onto the bed as Nick resumed his game play with the playstation.

Howie wiped a sweaty palm on his pants and slowly brought the door open, right as Jeanie was fixing to raise her hand to knock again. "Hey," he greeted with a smile when he noticed the surprised look wash over her face.

"...Hello," Jeanie answered back after a bit of slight hesitation. She tried to look past Howie and get a glance into the room. "Um, am I at the right room? I wasn't sure which to come to. I went to AJ's room first, but recieved no answer. Then I passed Kevin's bodyguard in the hallway and he said to check Kevin's room, number 417."

Howie nodded. "Yep, this is the right place," he said, moving aside to allow Jeanie to step into the room. "We're just waiting for AJ to get here," he added.

"Oh? Where would he be?"

"His mom, Denise, had to take him to the ER earlier this morning," Kevin answered, his voice making Jeanie visibly jump.

Recovering from her sheepish act, Jeanie looked at Kevin with a questioned expression filled with concern. "What's wrong with him?"

"He injured his knee during practice yesterday and it was giving him enough trouble this morning that we all agreed he ought to go get it checked out," Kevin explained, taking a seat, and motioning to an empty chair that Jeanie could sit in. After a few seconds, she took Kevin's offer and sat down.

"Hey, you never did answer my question the other day!" Nick piped up as he paused him game and looked at Jeanie.

"Question?" Jeanie asked him.

"Yeah," Nick nodded. "I wanted to know if it's really true that everyone in England drinks tea all day and always talks about the weather?"

A round of surpressed groans chorused around the room at Nick's blatant stupidity that always seemed to shine right at the worst times, but Jeanie let loose of a small laugh. "Contrary to popular belief, Nick," she began, "No, us British don't drink tea all day and always talk about the weather."

"Damn," Nick grumbled and turned back to his game.

Kevin covered his face in embarrassment as he rolled his eyes. He offered Jeanie an apologetic smile on Nick's behalf. "AJ should be arriving any time. He's been gone for several hours, but then again...waiting time in an ER can seem to take a lifetime..."

"I don't think we're all in a hurry, are we?" Jeanie asked.

"Nope, we don't need to be at the arena for several more hours," Howie grinned.

Brian snickered at his expression.

"Alright," Jeanie smiled back and everyone fell silent. No words were spoken as an uncomfortable silence fell over the room, every once and a while interrupted by "bleeps", "beeps", and "buzzers" coming from Nick's game.

Then...

"Why do you British people drink so much tea-"

"Shut up, Nick!" Brian, Howie, and Kevin ordered in unison. Jeanie looked at them in shock.

"Don't mind Nicky boy. He can be extremely blonde sometimes," Brian said.

'He sure is quite the character' Jeanie thought.

"You'll get used to him after a while," Howie added, trying to get his two cents in. He offered Jeanie a friendly smile as he sat there looking at her, trying to ignore the silent snickering coming from Brian. He gave himself a mental note, 'Kick Brian's butt later'.

Silence draped itself over the room again. Noone really felt the need to speak, so all just sat in their places doing their own thing. Nick played his video game in deep concentration, Kevin kept stealing quick glances at his watch, Howie kept staring at AJ's therapist, Brian continued to snicker at Howie, and Jeanie tried to focus her attention on the television screen although she couldn't help but notice the look Howie was giving her. In truth, the silence in the room seemed a bit odd.

"This sucks!" AJ's voice suddenly floated in through the closed doorway from out in the hall. The sudden sound made all eyes glue their attention on the door in anticipation.

"Stop complaining," Denise's voice answered with a laugh. "You tripped up your knee and now you're dealing with it. There's no use in complaining about it."

"Some supportive mother you are," AJ joked in return, then grumbled, "I still think this sucks..."

"Well then, don't trip up your knee next time," Jeff replied.

"You're fired, Jeff!" AJ shot.

"Tough luck, Aje...you can't fire me."

"Whatever. Can you open the door so I can get inside?"

"No, but I can open the door," Kevin answered, tossing the door open. He'd jumped up from his seat as soon as he'd heard their voices and now he stood in the open door way, his eyes masked with concern and shock as he looked at AJ. The rebel was uncomfortably balancing on a pair of crutches with a small brace fit snuggly around his knee so he was unable to bend it. "That bad?" he asked, looking at AJ's injured knee. AJ only shrugged and hobbled past Kevin into the room. "Well, what was the doctor's diagnoses? If he's got you in a brace and on crutches, it must be bad."

"It's not as bad as it looks. I just happened to strain the muscles around the knee when my knee cap popped. Alot more damage could have been done, but it's nothing too severe. The doctor just wants to play it safe, so he put me in a brace and on crutches, meaning I've been ordered to stay off my knee for the next few days and not put any unneeded stress on it," AJ explained as he carefully moved over to the bed. He knew that he was supposed to immediately ice his knee as soon as he got back to the hotel. "Mind to scoot over 'Rok? I need to prop my knee up."

"Sure thing," Brian answered and stood up from the bed. "Have the whole thing."

"If you say so," AJ said and slowly eased himself onto the bed. Taking two of the pillows, he placed them at the foot of the bed and propped his leg up, dropping the crutches to the floor.

"What are you going to do about the concert tonight then?" Howie asked AJ as Denise prepared an ice pack for her son.

"I don't know..." AJ shrugged, feeling a bit foolish that his injury was going to keep him from performing to his fullest potential for the next few days. "Can't very well dance...though I could try my luck at one-legged dancing."

"And then trip up your other knee? I don't think so," Howie chuckled.

"I was kidding."

"Knew that."

"I guess I'm gonna be in stationary mode tonight. Just singing, no dancing. Or I could try my luck at one-legged dancing with the assistance of a crutch?"

"See previous comment about tripping your knee up again."

"But I like to be creative..."

"We'll figure something out when we get to the arena. For now, let's not worry about that," Kevin spoke up. "Nick, turn the game off."

"No," Nick mumbled, biting down on his bottom lip as he punched at the buttons. He was no longer aware of what was going on in the room for he was too much engrossed in the stupid video game.

"Turn the game off now," Kevin repeated, raising his tone just a tad bit louder. It annoyed him how Nick could be so ignorant at times, and never knew how to be serious when he needed to be. This, of course, was one of those times.

"No, I'm busy with this one level."

"Save the game and turn it off."

"No."

"Stop being an embarrassment and turn the stupid game off."

"It's not stupid. It's high quality entertainment."

"Man, would you just listen to him for once?" Brian sighed as he reached over and switched the game consoul off before Nick had a chance to react. Brian shrugged and returned to his position as Nick pouted and dropped his controller.

"It's not like it will take you a long time to get to that level again," AJ laughed as he waved to his mom who was walking out the door. Denise knew that this therapy session was only for the Boys as part of the group therapy. Jeanie had already spoken to her and suggested it would also be a good idea for her, AJ, and Jeanie to hold somewhat of therapy session between the three of them and that would be taking place in the next day or so.

"That's not the point!" Nick argued and crossed his arms over his chest.

Kevin looked at Nick oddly, then looked to Jeanie. "Think you could take on another patient? Our dear brother Nickolas may have some mental issues that you need to diagnose."

"Hey!" Nick growled.

"I don't know..." Jeanie trailed, studying Nick carefully. "He may be beyond the means of help..."

"Now that's just harsh..."

"I think maybe he needs to be shipped off to a mental institution," AJ suggested playfully, wincing as he re-adjusted the icepack on his knee.

"You need to be shipped off to a mental institution!" Nick shot back, not paying attention to the way his tone sounded when the words slipped from his mouth. Immediately he became quiet as Kevin shot him an icy glare and AJ just looked away.

"Sibling rivalry. We're just one big happy family!" Brian tried to joke to lighten up the mood. He let loose of a nervous laugh.

"Don't be afraid to hold anything back during this time, as this is a group therapy session," Jeanie replied reassuringly. "You all do understand what this is all about right?"

"Do we get one of those little inflatable bats that we can hit each other over the head with if we disagree with what the person says?" Nick and Brian piped up at the same time. They fell silent and just looked at each other oddly with eyebrows raised.

"I'm sorry, but no. This isn't marriage counseling. Unless any of you are married to one another, then I didn't think there was any use. And that isn't my area anyway."

"Damn. So what are we supposed to hit each other over the head with?"

"Your fist?"

"You hit me, Frack, and I'll have Kev open a can of "Whoop Ass" on ya," Brian immediately said when he saw the look pass over Nick's face.

"Damn," Nick repeated.

"Don't let them give you the wrong impression of us. We all like to tease each other and what not," Kevin mentioned.

"So you guys must be really close?" Jeanie asked.

"Very close indeed. Who wouldn't be after spending almost 24/7 of the past nine years together?"

"You become close like brothers," Jeanie nodded.

"Yeah, like blood brothers. Only difference, we're not related outside our music."

"Well then, you must have your pet peeves about one another?"

"Like you wouldn't imagine," Howie chuckled, resting back in his seat. The others nodded their heads in agreement and Jeanie looked on in amusement. "Where would you like us to begin?"

"Wherever seems reasonable."

"Well, let's start in alphabetical order," AJ said, eying Brian. "B'Rokster here has some major issues. I mean, the guy can be one of the biggest slobs you've ever met, besides his best buddy Nick. He also has this mental issue with arguing with his wife over who loves the other more, and man, that stuff can just get annoying. I mean, dude, y'all love each other the same. Get over it! Next, my best bud D. Let's not even go there-"

"Watch it amigo!" Howie glared playfully.

"Just kidding," AJ grinned. "But Sweet D here, you don't want to be anywhere near him when he's asleep, because man oh man can he snore sometimes!"

"That's not true!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"That there is one of my biggest pet peeves about them two," Brian spoke, motioning to the two that were nit-picking at each other. "They'll argue like that over the little things-"

"You ain't got no room to start talking cuz!" Kevin laughed, "'Cause you and Nick do the same thing!"

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"See, the arguing thing runs in their family," Nick laughed. "I'm about the only sane one out of the bunch-"

"Are not!" AJ, Brian, Howie, and Kevin all chorused in unison.

"Am too!"

"Are not!"

"Am too!"

"Are not!"

"Well, I see where this is all going," Jeanie giggled. "I'd have to say that the arguing thing runs in the 'Backstreet Family'. Agree?"

Five voices replied, "Does not!"

"Alrighty then," Jeanie cleared her throat, re-adjusting in her seat. She looked at all five pairs of eyes looking at her with comical expressions and she realized just how close these five men actually were to one another. They truly were like a group of brothers, and if one didn't know better, they would figure they were related. They might as well be. They seem to fight like they were. "I guess we've had enough of sharing pet peeves with one another. I have a feeling if we take that subject any further, it might turn into a bloody mess."

"We could always wait and see and then place some bets?" Kevin suggested, knowing that it had become somewhat of an untraditional tradition in the group. They were always placing bets on who would be going down.

"Sorry. Blood and gore aren't my things. I have a weak stomach when it comes to those things," Jeanie answered.

"I hear ya on that one," AJ agreed, motioning to himself.

"If you all don't mind, I would like to start the session now."

"Sure."

"No problem."

AJ felt his mind grow a bit fuzzy and cloud over as his thoughts drifted away with him. As much as he wanted to, he couldn't very well pay much attention to what was going on and what was being said. Quite ironic too, since this was all about him. His knee was becoming numb from the coldness of the icepack resting atop it, but he could really care less about that. AJ had other things on his mind that were of more importance to him.

Jameelah.

What he was going to do about that situation, AJ had no clue. He was afraid to pick up the phone and try to call her, even though it had almost been a day since he'd last spoken to her. But would calling her be the smartest thing to do? AJ just didn't want to jepordize the situation more then it already was jepordized.

"AJ?"

"Hmmm?" AJ murmured, looking up to find everyone's gaze locked on him. His face was masked with an unsure glance.

"There's some things you want to talk to the guys about," Jeanie prompted.

"T-there is?"

"Yes."

"What was it again?"

"It was what you told me about last night, about how you've been feeling."

"Oh...yeah..."AJ trailed, avoiding the fellas' stares. He had alot of things he wanted and needed to say, things he hadn't had the courage to say up until then. It was true that he had discussed his feelings with Jeanie the night before during the therapy session, and she made him see that it was ok for him to speak what was on his mind. He thought he was ready to say what he'd been thinking... But now, catching sight of the fellas' patient and awaiting stares, he wasn't so sure anymore. With the pressure baring down on him, he was afraid of what the fellas would think, what they would say.

"Say whatever you need to say, Aje. We're listening," Kevin spoke.

"Yeah. We're doing this because we want to know what's going on in your head," Howie nodded.

AJ let out a silent sigh, nodding himself. "Alright," he whispered.

*****

Could therapy have gone any worse today? In my opinion...no. It was horrible. For me, that is. By the time it was over I was ready to just bolt from the room, had my knee permitted me to do so. But nope, stupid AJ decided to be a smartass and screw his knee up during rehersal yesterday. Just another one of my many, endless mistakes. Oh well, the doc said I only have to stay off it for a few days at the most. Now, if only the throbbing and pain would stop everytime I put the littlest bit of pressure on it. Ok, I know...so I need to use the damn crutches the doc gave me. That's what they're there for...but damnit, I don't like looking like or being called a gimp! It just ain't cool. Back to today's therapy session though...

I swear to God that out of all of them, Kevin has got to hate me for real now. Maybe I said a bit much today, but hey, I was told to let it all out. Freedom of speech right? That would be the first amendment if I'm correct. I didn't mean to offend him by any means, but I really think that's what I succeeded in doing. I think I can even go so far as to say that I hurt his feelings to some extent. Maybe this is because I had alot more to rag about that dealt with him then the others. The way he just sat there the whole time I talked, not speaking a word, still gives me the shivers. I think the fellas were a bit surprised with all I had to say also. But it really affected Kevin more then I had anticipated. I mean, he didn't speak a word the entire time. Then when I was finally finished, he apologized in a quiet voice, bit down on his bottom lip, and bowed his head in silence. I've never known silence to be so deadly in such times. But it sure was right then. Now I feel horrible...completely and utterly horrible to say the least. I didn't mean to rag on Kevin so badly, that wasn't my purpose. I just wanted him to know how he'd been treating me so shitty lately. Maybe I went a little overboard...

So now, I don't know what to do about that. Kevin immediately left his hotel room as soon as the session was done and has been avoiding me since. I tried to talk to him as we were getting onto the bus to head to the arena, but he turned his back on me and retreated to his bunk where he stayed the entire time. Man, have I screwed up again... I'm not even going to bother asking 'Why me?' because I know I won't ever get an answer. I was born to screw up...might as well get over it.

Speaking of the therapy session, it seems my best friend has got the hots for my therapist. I guess it doesn't really bother me all that much. It's quite ironic though, especially the way he's going about it. He tries not to be obvious, but like we've always told D, he's not the best liar. Though I'm not sure Jeanie has caught on yet, to the fullest that is. Ah, but D deserves this chance. It's been a while since he broke up with his last girlfriend. This has to be the perfect opportunity for him... Of course...let him start getting the luck right when I've managed to screw up another one of my relationships.

Damn Jaymee and her issues. I don't even know what her problem is, but according to her, I'm a jerk and she doesn't want anything to do with me. How I know this? Well, she's hung up on me three times in the past two days and she bluntly told me never to call her again before she hung up the third time. So now I'm contemplating whether or not I want to give her a call. Does she even deserve another call from me? I mean, she wouldn't give me a damn simple explanation as to what the Hell I've done to piss her off. And truthfully, I really have no clue. If I did, I would at least be able to try and fix whatever it was I did. But nope, I feel as if I'm having a blonde moment...

As much as I want to say "Screw her! I don't care!"...I can't, because this is something I can't lie about. The truth is, I care very much. It's wierd, if I really think about it, but I'm hurt, and I'm not talking about my knee injury either. I mean, I've been through this type of thing before with past relationships, but back then I could say "Screw her!" and then just forget about the person.

With Jaymee, it's just...well...different, I guess. I can't really explain it, but I care for Jaymee. Despite the fact that I've only known her for two weeks. As corny as it may sound, I don't think I've ever felt this way about another girl like I feel about Jaymee. It's wierd, but it's the truth. Ever since I met her, I haven't been able to stop thinking about her and I'm dying to see her again. That's why I know I can't let this go. I would be stupid to just drop the situation and not call her back like she told me to. I barely know Jaymee and I miss her as if I've known her my whole life. It's wierd that I care about her that much...I don't understand it...

So damnit, what the Hell have I done wrong this time?!

Well, I've gotta cut this short now. I'm currently backstage at the arena and it's nearing show time. This ought to be an interesting night (me performing on crutches)! Anyway, the backstage area just keeps getting busier and more crowded and with only several minutes to go before we have to go on, I'm thinking I'm gonna go see if I can find Kevin and have a word with him.

Try to make ammends...'

~From the journal of AJ McLean

*****

AJ grunted out in discomfort as he hobbled down a back hallway in the arena with the aid of his crutches. He'd been on crutches before, but he'd yet to get used to ever using the things. "Stupid, stupid..." he muttered, keeping his eyes trained on the ground. The quicker he got to where he was going, the better off his arm pits would be.

"Hey Aje!"

Looking up, AJ noticed Brian walking towards him, that same friendly smile plastered on his face. AJ tried to offer a smile back, but he was feeling a bit uncomfortable around the guys ever since the therapy session that morning. He shrugged off the feeling and finally replied with a hoarse, "Hi."

"Where you heading off to? It's almost showtime. We have-" Brian looked at his watch in a thoughtful manner. "Ten minutes. You trying to ditch?" he joked, grinning comically.

"No. Actually, I was looking for Kev," AJ replied, glancing off to the side, then looking back at Brian. "You know where I can find him? I need to talk to him."

"Um, yeah. He's in the dressing room talking to Kristin on his cellphone," Brian answered, pointing behind him with his thumb. "I'm sure he'll be done talking to her in a minute. You alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." AJ shrugged as he paused. "I just need to talk to him before the show starts."

"Alright. Head on back to the dressing room. That's where you'll find him." Brian patted AJ on the back and jogged off, hyping himself up even more for the concert. He was most likely going to see where Nick had run off to, which wasn't surprising. Frick & Frack were always running around backstage like chickens with their heads cut off before each concert.

AJ took a deep breath and continued hobbling down the hall. He payed no attention as he passed one of the arena's security guards and turned a corner. There were a few doors lining each side of the grey wall and up ahead, AJ recognized the one that had been dubbed as their dressing room. From a ways away, he could see that the door wasn't fully shut, rather it was cracked open and light was filtering out from inside. 'Here goes nothing' AJ thought as he inched closer to the door. Getting ever the more closer, he could begin to hear Kevin's voice filtering out through the crack between the doorway and the frame.

He froze.

"I don't know what to do Kris..." AJ could hear Kevin saying and he immediately recognized the distress in his oldest "brother's" voice. AJ leaned towards the door and peaked through the crack. He could make out Kevin's form sitting in a chair near one of the mirrors, his back towards the door and unaware that AJ had begun to listen in. AJ's eyebrows furled as he continued to stand there.

"I feel horrible," Kevin continued, his voice quiet and waivering the tiniest bit. "I had no idea I was treating him that badly. I really had no clue he felt that way...I mean, geez...I just feel really horrible."

Kevin fell silent as he was obviously listening to whatever Kristin's reply was. AJ caught a side glimpse of Kevin's face and could see that his facial features were contorted into a look of pain and sadness. "No..." Kevin spoke up again, nearly making AJ jump and drop one of his crutches. "I haven't talked to him since. I'm afraid to, Kris." Kevin ran a hand through his hair and sighed, closing his eyes. "I really think he hates me," he said quietly.

AJ's eyes grew wide and his mouth dropped open in surprise. Kevin thought he hated him? Ok, so that was far from the truth and now AJ felt worse then before. He knew Kevin didn't deserve to be feeling this amount of guilt. All AJ had wanted to do was to just let him know how he'd been feeling lately, but he'd done way more then that. 'Am I an asshole or what?' He frowned at his thought and at Kevin's words. He had some real major apologizing to do now, but how was he supposed to do that when Kevin was afraid to even talk to him anymore?

'Well AJ, you screwed up again...'

"I gotta go Kris, it's almost showtime... Yeah, I'll give you a call when I get back to the hotel... Thanks... Uh-huh... I love you too, baby... Bye." Kevin slowly and unwillingly lowered the cellphone from his ear and switched it off, effortlessly tossing it into his duffle bag. A small sigh escaped his lips as he sunk down in his chair, resting a hand on his forehead.

AJ saw this as his opportunity and he cleared his throat, tapping the door lightly with one of his crutches. He paused as he watched Kevin jump in his seat and shoot his vision towards the door. Seeing AJ standing in the doorway, Kevin's facial expressions dropped even further and he nervously looked at his rebel brother. Seeing that Kevin wasn't going to offer him a greeting, AJ hobbled into the room. "Hey Kev," he spoke, biting down on his bottom lip.

"H-how long were you standing there?" Kevin stuttered, rubbing his sweaty palms on his pants.

"I, uh...just now," AJ lied, not wanting to hint to Kevin that he had heard part of Kevin's phone conversation. "I was just coming to tell you that it's almost show time and we're about to do the group prayer."

"Ok, thanks," Kevin quickly answered. It was obvious he was trying to cut the conversation off as fast as he could.

"Listen, Kev-"

"What? What'd I do this time?"

"Nothing. I just wanted to-"

"Well then, what are you still standing there for?"

AJ just looked at Kevin oddly. Kevin really didn't want to speak to him right then. He felt his eyebrows furl even further as he continued to look at his oldest brother, suddenly not knowing what to say. "I just wanted to make sure you were coming," he finally drawled.

"I'll be there in a sec."

"Alright," AJ shrugged and turned around to leave. So much for that going well.

All he wanted to do was say he was sorry.

Chapter 27: Toast

Bending over to pick up his adidas runners, Howie grabbed a hold of the shoes and carried them over to the edge of the bed where he sat down and began the simple task of placing them on and lacing them up. He occasionally glanced up at the television, which was placed on low volume, but never paid any attention to what program was on. It really was of no interest to him, and he finally flicked it off with a careless toss of the remote. Standing up, he shot a quick glance around the room. His suitcase and duffle bag were both packed, as he had just finished packing them minutes before because they were heading out in a couple of hours to go on to the next town. It was only 7:18 in the morning, which lead Howie to mentally question himself why he always got up so early. Was it really impossible for him to sleep in an hour or two later then usual?

Howie figured he had approximately two and a half hours before they were due to set off and he had nothing planned to do between now and then. Feeling his stomach grumble made him realize just how hungry he was and craving for some breakfast. It was no wonder he was so hungry, considering he hadn't had a bite to eat since right before the rehersal yesterday. 'Might as well go get something' he thought as he reached into his duffle bag for his wallet, then headed towards the door.

But as he stepped into the hall with the thought of walking down to the hotel resteraunt to have breakfast by himself, a new thought crossed his mind and he changed directions and started making his way towards AJ's hotel room. He knew for sure that AJ would still be sound asleep, but it seemed like a humorous idea to wake AJ up at this hour. Howie knew that if AJ could have his way, he would sleep in until thirty seconds before they had to leave. He'd actually attempted it once and Kevin had reemed his butt about it, so Howie figured he'd give his friend an early wake-up call this morning.

AJ's room was all the way on the next floor up. The Boys had all been spread out in this hotel, compared to the way it usually was. Normally, it would be two on one floor, two on another, and the last one on another floor. This time, Howie's room was located on the fourth floor, AJ's on the fifth (the same floor as his mother's room), Brian was on the third, Nick on the sixth, and Kevin on the second floor.

Quietness was the only thing roaming the hallways as Howie proceeded on his way. Occasionally he would hear the sound of a television as he passed by the rooms, but so far, he hadn't seen another guest. Which satisfied him to say the least. He really didn't want to deal with any run-ins at the moment. A minute or so later, he found himself stopping outside AJ's door, and from his earlier presumptions, there was no sound coming from inside.

AJ was asleep.

Raising a fist, Howie brought it lightly against the door. Knowing that was no help, Howie pounded his fist harder. It wasn't until several knocks later did he finally hear his friend answer, "Hold on, damnit!" from inside. Howie snickered as he stepped back a foot from the door. Several seconds passed when the lock on the door finally clicked and was slowly pulled open. AJ appeared in the doorway, balancing his weight uneasily on his left leg. His right knee was free of the brace and he wasn't using his crutches. A nasty black and blue bruise resided on the side of his knee, and by AJ's tassled hair and flushed cheeks, he didn't look all that happy about being woken up so early.

"What do you want?" he grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning against the doorframe. He was having to squint his eyes from the brightness in the hall, and by the looks of it, he was about ready to fall asleep standing there.

"Mornin' sunshine!" Howie grinned, reaching forward to smack AJ's cheek playfully.

"Don't!" AJ glared, unamused.

"Shouldn't you be wearing your knee brace?" Howie questioned, motioning toward's AJ's knee.

AJ yawned. "No. Doc said I don't have to wear it when I'm sleeping," he answered.

"That bruise looks pretty ugly."

"What'd you come here for?"

"Need to ask you a question."

"Can't it wait until later? You rudely interrupted a steamy dream of mine-"

"Eeewww, spare me the details. And no, it can't wait until later."

"Fine, ask your damn question so I can get back to sleep."

Howie rolled his eyes in humor; AJ really wasn't a morning person, especially when he was woken up before he thought he should be awake. Clearing his throat, though, Howie opened his mouth to speak. "Um..." he hesitated for a moment. "Would you be mad if I asked you...for Jeanie's room number?"

AJ looked at his best friend oddly, having to mask the smirk that was creeping upon his lips. "Why do you want to know her room number?" he asked with a hint of suspicision.

"Because," Howie answered shortly.

AJ chuckled. "You lookin' to get lucky?"

"No, I want to ask her to have breakfast with me," Howie answered, rolling his eyes.

Raising an eyebrow, AJ paused for a second before asking, "Why are you asking for my permission?"

"One, your my best friend. Two, she's your therapist and I want to make sure you don't mind. Because if you do, then I won't persue it. And three, I don't know her room number, but you do."

"Well, since you rudely woke me up from my much needed beauty sleep-"

"Much needed is an understatement..."

AJ glared at the Latino. "Shut up. For that, I'm really not going to give you her room number."

"Dang, Aje, I was only joking."

"Uh huh, sure. Prove it to me. Get down on your hands and knees and grovel at my feet."

"In your dreams."

"Whatever you say. I'm going back to sleep," AJ shrugged and moved to close the door, but Howie immediately prevented him from doing so.

"Fine, I'm sorry all mighty and wise one. Now give me her room number."

"Keep going," AJ grinned.

"Aje!"

"Alright, alright...stop sprouting grey hairs over it! She's in room 319."

"See, that wasn't so hard, now was it?"

"Yes, it was terrible. Now leave me alone. I need sleep!"

"Try going to bed at a decent hour."

"Doesn't work when you're a Backstreet Boy."

"Meaning?" Howie smirked.

"You got one sick mind, D!"

"Well, you are my best friend."

"Shut up before I kick your ass."

"And how do you propose you are going to do that, gimp?"

"Why I oughta-"

"That's what I thought!"

"S-L-E-E-P! Sleep!"

With that being said, AJ slammed the door shut, leaving Howie standing in the hall with an amused expression on his face. The Latino rolled his eyes at the door, chuckling, then turned around and walked away.

*****

Howie ran a hand through his short curls as he headed towards Jeanie's hotel room, number 319. His heart pounded at a slightly quicker then normal rhythm as he thought of what he could possibly say once he knocked on her door and she answered...that was, if she answered. "Hey, I was just in your hallway and I figured I would stop by and say "hi"!" Howie spoke outloud, quietly to himself. "Yeah, that's real smooth, Dorough..."

He continued walking, keeping a eye out for anyone who started walking down the hallway. He had to be a bit extra careful since he hadn't brought his body guard to escort him where he went. That was usually a big "no-no", but Howie really didn't care at the moment. It was early anyway... How many teenies would be awake and hyper at this hour? So far, he hadn't seen anyone for that matter, and it brought him relief. 'C'mon, Dorough...think!' Howie shoved his hands into his pockets, keeping his eyes on the ground as he walked.

Room 314.

Room 315.

Room 316.

'You're only going to ask her to have breakfast with you. How hard of a question can that be to ask?'

Room 317.

Room 318.

Howie froze. There was her door, Room 319. He'd come upon it more quickly then he'd anticipated, and he still wasn't sure what he was going to say to her. Listening closely through the silence, he failed to hear anything coming from inside the room. 'She's probably still asleep. It is early.' Howie bit down on his bottom lip, clenching his right hand into a fist. Slowly, he raised his hand and tapped it rapidly against the door several times.

Then he waited.

But there came no answer.

Frowning slightly, Howie knocked on the door again. He really had no right to be disturbing her at this hour; it was now 7:28. He had begun to wonder if he should just head down to the hotel resteraunt by himself like he had originally planned, when he faintly heard a pair of feet padding over to the door. Only the sound stopped as soon as they were directly in front of the door. Raising an eyebrow, Howie knocked again, lighter this time. "Ms. McGuire?" he called out, wondering if he had misheard the sound.

For several seconds, there was no reply, when finally Howie heard the pair of feet scurrying away from the door and Jeanie's english accent called out from inside, "Just a second!" Howie raised his eyebrows again and quicky looked both ways down the hallway to see if anyone was coming. Surprisingly, just as he did so, two teen girls stepped out of a room a ways down the hall, both chattering obnoxiously. Reacting quickly, Howie reached into his pocket and dropped a handful of spare change on the floor, bending down to act as if he were gathering it so the teen girls couldn't catch a glimpse of his face.

"My God, Becky! I still have shivers from the concert last night! It was like the best night of my life!" A high-pitched, and equally annoying, voice rung through the hall, stinging Howie's ears. He cringed.

"Like, omg, I totally agree! Did you see how hot Nick looked up there on stage, wagging his cute little butt?!" the second voice, which obviously belonged to "Becky" screeched back in reply. "Ahhh! I felt like I was going to like totally die when he blew that kiss to me!"

"He wasn't blowing that kiss to you! He was blowing it to the blonde bimbo standing next to you! You know, the one whose boobs were too big for her skimpy little tank top!"

"That's so not true, Reese! You're just jealous that your honey, Sweet D, didn't touch your hand!"

Howie couldn't help but to perk his ears up at the mention of his name. He loved it when his ego was boosted like that.

"He wasn't able to because the blonde bimbo with the big boobs who was standing next to me pushed me out of the way! What a ho! I think she and the blonde bimbo next to you were twins!"

"What was up with AJ and the crutches last night? How do you think he hurt himself?"

"He was probably drunk and fell down a flight of stairs!" The girl giggled.

Howie felt an immense amount of anger well and boil within him. He couldn't believe the nerve and amount of disrespect this girl had. Clenching both his fists, he prepared to stand up and reprimend the rude comment the girl had just dished, but her friend beat Howie to it. So, he stayed in his crouching position, listening intently.

"That's harsh, Reese! How can you even say that? AJ's been sober for over a year now! He has more guts to keep that up then you do!" Becky scolded in a sharp voice, silencing her friend's giggles immediately. "That was a shitty thing to say about him!"

"Sorry!" Reese shrugged and that was the last thing Howie was able to catch of the conversation before the two girls rounded a corner at the end of the hallway and dissappeared from sight and earshot. Still feeling a bit angered, Howie gathered the rest of his spare change from the floor and shoved it back into pocket. Standing up, he had just enough time to run his hand through his hair again before the door clicked and slowly opened. Howie froze again for the second time since he had stopped in front of Jeanie's door.

Silence fell over the two as they stood there at a loss for words. Inside, Howie was mentally slapping himself for standing there foolishly and not saying anything. By the look on Jeanie's face, it was obvious she was feeling the same way about herself. "Hey!" Howie finally blurted out nervously, feeling his cheeks turn a deep shade of crimson.

"Hello," Jeanie replied, her voice just as unconfident as Howie's.

"I hope I'm not disturbing you. I didn't wake you up, did I?"

"No, you're not disturbing me at all. I was already awake." Jeanie's soft rose-colored lips remained parted, her hazel eyes sparkling the slightest bit as she stared at Howie. For a moment she was unsure of what to say and she began to feel a bit of pity for Howie as he seemed to be in an even worse situation. Opening her mouth to speak again, a friendly smile played at the corner of her lips as she tried to make light of the situation. "Are you going to stand there all morning? Or would you like to come in?" she asked, slowly moving aside and opening the door further.

Howie smiled sheepishly, stepping into the room while quietly saying, "sorry" as Jeanie shut the door. Nervously, he stuck his hands into his pockets and looked around the room. Raising a surprised eyebrow, he looked at Jeanie again. "You sure this your hotel room?" he questioned, taking note of the pile of clothes and other various possessions strewn on the floor and about the room. If he didn't know any better, he would have figured it was either Brian or Nick's room.

It was Jeanie's turn to smile sheepishly. "The mess..." she laughed, looking around the room. "Yeah...what can I say?"

"No blame. Was just gonna say it resembles Brian and Nick's rooms."

"Is that a compliment?"

"In an odd sense...I guess."

"So..." Jeanie spoke in an odd tone of voice as she clasped her hands together, watching Howie still looking around the room. "What exactly is it you wanted? Not to sound rude or anything..."

"Well, the fellas and I don't have to be on the bus to head out to the next town for another two hours. I was on my way down to the hotel resteraunt to have a little something for breakfast and I was wondering if maybe you would...like to join me?" Howie asked carefully in one long drawn out voice, hinting a bit of hopefulness in his tone.

"Breakfast?"

"Yeah...would you like to join me?"

"Well, breakfast sounds fairly decent right now. So I guess I will accept your invitation."

"You will?" Howie asked with shock.

"Yes," Jeanie giggled. "You sound surprised?"

"Sorry," Howie apologized sheepishly.

"Relax, Howie. Do you always act this nervous around people you aren't closely acquainted with?"

"No, not normally."

"Alright...well, would you mind to give me a minute to get changed? I'm not really big on the idea of parading around in my pajamas..."

"I think they're cute," Howie answered honestly, looking over the light blue and white habiscus flower print pants and tight fitting white tank that Jeanie was using as sleepwear. The outfit hugged her figure perfectly.

Jeanie reached for a fresh set of clothes from her suitcase as Howie spoke to her. "Thank-you," she smiled shyly. "I'll be out in a few minutes. Take a seat if you'd like?"

"Thanks," Howie nodded and slowly sat down on the edge of Jeanie's bed as she headed into the bathroom and shut the door. Howie smacked himself on the forehead, groaning at the foolish way he had just acted. 'Real smooth, Dorough...Real smooth...'

*****

Making it successfully across the hotel lobby without any confrontations, Howie and Jeanie entered the resteraunt. They found it to be just as deserted as the lobby had been, except for an elderly couple they passed who were sitting at a two person table, eating a breakfast consisting of scrambled eggs and strong black coffee. Even despite the lack of customers in the resteraunt, Howie lead Jeanie towards a two person table near the back. "Will this do?" he asked, pulling a seat away from the table so Jeanie could take a seat.

Jeanie smiled and nodded as she sat down. "Thank-you," she replied, watching as Howie took a seat himself. Folding her hands in her lap, she slowly looked around, her smile lingering at the corners of her lips.

Howie noticed Jeanie's prolonged smile as she continued to look around and a crooked smile of his own formed. "What's so great that it's keeping that beautiful smile on your face?"

Jeanie turned her gaze back to him, offering him a questioning look. "I don't know...I guess I'm still just trying to get used to the luxury of staying at these really fancy hotels. I mean, I've never had the privilage of staying at such nice places. It was more like Motel 8," she explained thoughtfully. "I've stayed at the Embassy Suites once or twice, but it was mostly Motel 8. You must love this though. The types of hotels you get to stay in that is."

Howie was silent for a moment before he finally replied. "Actually, the hotels we stay in don't make any difference to me. These are basically what we've been staying in for almost the past nine years. Though, I do have to admit at first I couldn't help but take advantage of the luxuries of these types of hotels. Who can't? It kinda makes you feel rich..."

"...But you are rich," Jeanie said slowly.

"I don't think of myself as rich. I just think of myself as a person who gets overly paid for doing what he loves to do."

"That's a really great way to look at it, Howie."

Seconds slowly passed by as Howie looked one way and Jeanie looked another, both thrown into an uncomfortable bout of silence. So when a waiter finally started heading their way, they unconciously felt a sense of relief washing over them. "Good morning, and here are your menus," the waiter spoke, handing cream-color folders to Howie and Jeanie that sported the hotel's symbol logo on the front. "Would the two of you like a few minutes to look it over before you decide?"

"Yeah, that would be great. Thanks," Howie answered, nodding as he prepared to open the menu. The waiter smiled curtiously and walked away. Surprisingly, the menu had quite a selection for breakfast, more then what Howie needed to decide from. He wasn't looking for anything really exquisite, maybe just some good old fashion bacon, eggs, hashbrowns, and toast. Or a spanish omelet would do the trick... Howie chuckled quietly to himself for an unknown reason as he continued to skim over the menu.

"Oh no..." Jeanie suddenly blurted. Howie looked up just in time to see her eyes grow with nervousness and her cheeks hint at a tint of redness. Jeanie looked at him apologetically and stood up. "You're going to have to excuse me, Howie. I forgot to bring some money. I'm just going to run back up to my room real quick and grab some-"

Howie quickly stood up also and grabbed hold of Jeanie's hand before she could move away. "That won't be necessary, Jeanie. You can sit down, because I already planned on paying for breakfast for the both of us. I want it to be my treat."

Jeanie suddenly looked extremely uncomfortable as Howie said this. "I don't want to be an inconvenience to you."

"You're not an incovenience. I enjoy your company, which is why I asked you to have breakfast with me. So please, allow me to pay for you."

"Are you sure?"

Howie smiled. "Positive."

"Ok..." Jeanie hesitantly took her seat again and picked up the menu. Sure, Howie said he wanted to pay for her, but that didn't mean he could stop her from ordering the cheapest thing on the menu. She still felt like she was being an inconvenience to him, no matter what he said. 'Alright...cheapest thing on the menu is...' she thought, her hazel eyes skimming down the list.

"Well, I think I'm going to have the spanish omelet and an orange juice. Gotta love that stuff," Howie grinned, placing his menu down. He looked expectantly at Jeanie. "What about you? What are you going to have?"

"Toast."

"Toast?"

"Yeah, you know, it's bread and they toast it. That's why they call it toast. Am I correct?"

"Yes, but that's surely not all you're going to have, right?"

"Yes. I just want toast."

"Jeanie, order whatever you want on the menu. The price doesn't matter."

"Who said the price matters?"

"Obviously you think it does if you're just ordering toast."

"I happen to like toast."

"It's not a matter of liking toast or not liking it. Please order something else."

"I'm a light eater, Howie."

"I highly doubt that."

"Oh, and what's that supposed to mean?"

"I didn't mean it that way."

"But by the tone of your voice, it sure seemed to be that was the way you were implying it."

"I didn't say you are fat!"

"Ok. So now you are saying I'm fat?"

"No! That's not what I'm saying at all!" Howie felt the confusion well within him as he stared at Jeanie in disbelief. All of this over toast? Then he saw her lips curl up into a smile and she laughed. His features fell as he continued to stare at her. "What's so funny?" he asked, unamused.

"Calm down, Howie," Jeanie told him, placing her hands in her lap. She could see the waiter heading their way again. "You are too easy to get riled up."

"I resent that."

"Are we ready to order now?" The waiter asked, unaware of the small quarrel they had just went through.

"Yeah. Jeanie?"

"Go ahead and order first."

"Alright. I want the spanish omelet with an orange juice. Make that a large orange juice. Oh, and make sure the eggs get cooked the way they should be cooked. I don't want them even sparcely runny."

"No problem, sir," the waiter nodded, quickly jotting down Howie's order. "And you, ma'am?"

"Just some toast, please."

"Jeanie, please order something else to go along with the toast."

"No, Howie. I already told you all I want is toast."

"But toast isn't enough."

"For me it is."

"Eating just toast is not healthy."

"For me it is."

"Then you are not a healthy eater."

"Well, that was just rude."

The waiter looked between the two, unsure if he should intervene. Howie saw the uncomfortable look in the waiter's eyes and spoke up. "She'll have the same thing as me and a side order of toast."

"Alright. I'll go put your orders in right away."

"I think you scared the waiter away," Jeanie giggled as she watched the waiter hurry off.

"I scared the waiter away? I think it was you who scared him away with your desperation for only wanting toast!"

"Oh, give it up already."

"Why don't you want me to pay for your breakfast? Is really that big of a deal to you?"

"Excuse me?"

"You don't want me to pay-"

"It's not that big of a deal."

"Well you sure made me think otherwise."

"Howie, it's fine. Drop the subject. I'll eat the damn omelet you ordered for me, and I'm going to eat my toast!"

"Alright, sorry for bursting your bubble..." Howie sighed as he leaned back in his seat. Who would have ever thought that you could get in this big of an argument over something so stupid as toast? Maybe he should just keep his mouth shut for the rest of breakfast.

Chapter 28: Affairs of the Heart

A cloud of silence hung over the heads of the two people as they stood patiently within the confines of the tiny see-through elevator. The pair of chocolate eyes focused on the floor counter located near the ceiling in anticipation of the arrival the elevator would make at the correct floor, trying to keep himself occupied while he thought of something to say to break the ice. "So, was breakfast worth it?" Howie questioned lamely, still watching the counter. Yes, lame was a definite understatement for that question.

"Before or after our toast argument?" Jeanie replied with her own question, her voice hinting at the slightest bit of humor as her gaze met with Howie’s, if only for a moment. She could see him visibly sighing silently and she had to keep from laughing out loud. "Who would have thought someone could argue about toast?" Jeanie laughed softly when Howie didn’t speak up. "But in all truth, breakfast was great. I really appreciate you inviting me to have breakfast with you and I promise to pay you back as soon as we get to the next town and I can get to a bank."

Howie couldn’t help but stare at Jeanie with wonder, before he finally replied with a strong, "There’s no need for you to do that. Breakfast was my treat", his eyes once again traveling up to the floor counter which had the elevator positioned somewhere between the first and second floor.

"I still want to pay you back."

"I won’t accept."

Jeanie frowned slightly as Howie spoke. "You sure are stubborn, huh?" She watched as Howie shrugged, but the smile he offered her let her know that he had taken the comment lightly. "Thank-you again, though."

"Anytime," Howie nodded, finally noticing the elevator was catching up to speed and they were now between the second and third floor. "Maybe we...can...do this again sometime? But I highly suggest we don’t have breakfast and we don’t go somewhere that serves toast."

"Agreed," Jeanie laughed as she playfully punched Howie in the arm. "And if it means anything to you, the chef here burnt my toast this morning."

*DING*

The metal doors, which were one of the only things that weren’t see through in the elevator, slid open to allow it’s occupants to step out and land their feet on the tile flooring. Subconsciously, Howie looked both ways down the hall before fully stepping out of the elevator with Jeanie in close toe at his side. No crazy teenyboppers named Becky and Reese were roaming the hallways this time; Howie was thankful for that. "So..." he drawled, looking for a conversation sparker as they made their journey down the hallway towards Jeanie’s hotel room. Stupid toast argument killed the mood, Howie could swear to it. "Uh..."

"Cat got your tongue?" Jeanie teased, stopping to look at him as they reached her door. She hesitated with the keycard as she waited for Howie to answer. He seemed to be stumbling over his words horribly. "Or did you just forget your ability to speak down in the resteraunt?"

"The latter," Howie mumbled in return, his cheeks turning a shade of crimson to evidence his embarrassment. As a nervous habit, he stuck his hands in his pants pockets and looked around for a second. "How are you planning on getting to the next town?" he finally asked with curiosity, diverting his attention back Jeanie.

"The car that was provided to me when I flew in to join you guys," Jeanie answered, not fully understanding the question that had been posed. "Why do you ask?"

"Would you want to take the tour bus with the fellas and I to the next town? I can arrange to have one of the body gaurds drive your car there?" Howie almost blurted the question too quickly and he felt the stupidity course through him. Things really weren't moving smoothly for him that day and it was still early. Not a good sign...

To say Jeanie was surprised by Howie's offer would be an understatement and she had to stop to think about it for a minute. It didn't help that Howie was anxiously awaiting her answer, but she thought the look he held on his face was rather cute. "The offer sounds appealing, as I would like the chance to be able to hang out with you guys some more, to get to know you all better, but..." Jeanie bit down on her bottom lip before quickly adding, "I still need to pack."

'A simple 'no' would have suited me just fine' Howie thought, shrugging as he worked to mask his dissappointment. "No problem. I guess I will see you in the next town then. I mean, the fellas and I will see you."

"Yeah."

"Alright."

"Oh, could you do me a favor and remind AJ as soon as you see him that I need to speak with him and his mother as soon as I get there?"

"Sure thing."

With that being said, Jeanie smiled and shut the door, dissappearing from Howie's sight. Bringing a hand up to his face, he shielded his eyes and shook his head defeatedly. That certainly had not gone the way he had planned it to. Then again, how exactly had he planned on it going? "Dangit," he grumbled and turned away from the door. Time had flown by, Howie could tell by glancing at his watch, and he knew they were due to leave very soon, but he was suddenly turned against the idea of heading back to his room to retrieve his luggage. If anything, he could just pull the "Dorough Lazy Act" and have his bodyguard get it before they left. Afterall, in his mind, he was allowed to have lazy moments every once in a while. Everyone else did. So for now, Howie decided on changing his direction so he were en-route to AJ's room again. Might as well make sure his friend was awake and getting ready. What are best friends for? Ok, and so...maybe he wanted to rave about what just happened.

Turning away from Jeanie's door, Howie willed his feet to move in the direction of the nearest elevator. To reach AJ he needed to travel two floors up to the fifth. 'And why for once can't we have rooms all on the same floor?' his mind grumbled. 'That would be called wishful thinking, D' he mentally answered himself. Whistling as he continued along his way, Howie attempted to force his mind to focus on other thoughts besides that morning's breakfast 'catastrophy', only failing in the end. Letting his mind wander caused him to nearly miss the elevator as it began to close after the boarding of a plump elderly woman who sported the whitest hair Howie had ever seen. "Ma'am! Hold the elevator!" he yelled as he sprinted down the hall, nearly losing his balance several times.

The elderly woman shot him an uneasy expression, clearly taken aback by his lack of manners as he ran like a mad man in order to catch the elevator. However, in order to be polite, she obliged to his request and used a plump finger to depress the correct button that would keep the elevator doors from shutting. "A man who is in a hurry is a man who does not know how to manage his time," was her less the friendly greeting as Howie slid to a stop inside.

Howie glanced sideways at the woman but had enough respect to not say anything in return. Instead he reached for the fifth floor button, then rested his back against the wall to catch his breath. The ride was spent in silence and when the woman got off on the fourth floor, Howie sighed in relief. Only moments later did the doors slide open again and Howie stepped out onto indentical flooring as the ones below. "Morning," he greeted with a smile to a fairly young maid he passed, who in return smiled shyly, recognition crossing her eyes.

'Now, would it be wishful thinking to wonder if Aje is actually up and getting ready to leave right now?' Howie smirked to himself about the thought as he neared AJ's door. Surely AJ had learned his lesson by now about giving himself enough time to get ready before their departures...then again... Howie knocked and waited in the silence of the deserted hall. But like always, seconds went by and of course he recieved no answer. 'Yes, I do believe it would be wishful thinking' he thought as he proceeded to knock again. And a third time. And a forth time. And a-

"Hold on, already!" the gruff voice that belonged to his best friend called out from inside, clearly annoyed from Howie's persistant knocking. The lock on the door clicked and the handle visibly moved. Then, "Give me a break. I'm not prefectly mobile at the- oh, it's only you, D."

"Who'd you think it was?" Howie laughed, unable to hide his amusement caused by AJ's current state of appearance.

"Who else knocks like a fool until the door is answered?"

"Um, Nick- Wait a minute! You calling me a fool, amigo?"

AJ could only grin.

"Not funny."

"Ah, c'mon! Have a sense of humor, D." AJ limped aside and allowed the shorter latino to enter the room. He grimaced, though, as he unconsciously applied an unwated amount of pressure on his right knee. Nearly stumbling from the brief stabbing pain, AJ hoped he'd hidden his actions, but immediately knew Howie had noticed his discomfort because the latino was already moving to retrieve the set of crutches that were propped against the wall. AJ sighed. Here it came...

"The doc told you to use these for a reason," Howie reprimanded lightly as he pushed the crutches into AJ's hands. He stood there defiantly until the rebel gave in and placed each one under both arms and fixed to balance his weight on them. "And the brace, also."

"Yeah, yeah, mother Dorough. What's your point?" AJ trailed, trying to make light of his discomfort.

"Unless you want to be a gimp in pain for the rest of your life, I suggest you start wearing that brace and use the crutches like you were ordered to."

"But that would totally go against my image. Ya know, AJ McLean never follows the rules or listens to what he is told." AJ grinned, satisfied with his answer that seemed to silence his shorter friend. Either that, or Howie just wasn't in the mood to argue that morning. Oh well, AJ could deal with that for the most part. He'd just have to create a pointless argument with Nick later that day. Carefree entertainment on Nick's behalf... Who wouldn't go for that? "So what are you doing here anyway? I thought you were...uh, having "breakfast" with my therapist?"

Howie's eyes narrowed while watching AJ using emphasis around the word 'breakfast'. He shouldn't have been so surprised that AJ's sick sense of humor would surface at that moment, as the rebel never failed to let his humor turn up at the worst of times. "I did have breakfast with her. Nothing more and nothing less, moron."

"Hey! No need to be dishin' the attitude, yo!" Clearly AJ was getting a kick out of this just by looking at the expression residing on his face. And he continued, "C'mon, D. Who you tryin' to fool? Admit it! You got some quick nookie and you're here to brag about it!"

Howie had to laugh outloud. "Right, J."

AJ's eyes lit up like christmas lights on a tree. "I'm right! Aren't I!"

Howie shook his head, rolling his eyes.

"You, my friend, are really deprived."

"AJ, shut up for once."

"Ok, ok. Fine. Just tell me what went on. Or...I'm just going to have to bring it up in my next session-"

"I wouldn't be surprised if she brings it up..." Howie proceeded to mumble under his breath.

"Oh really?" AJ's eyebrows were raised with interest and he hobbled over to the bed to make himself a bit more comfortable. "Do tell. Did the almighty Latin Lover make a complete and utter fool out of himself?"

"I'd say that's an understatement," Howie answered.

"Now I have got to hear this."

"Why is my undeniable bad luck so interesting to you?"

"Entertainment, D. Pure, free entertainment. That, and you're also my bro, which entitles me the right to make fun of you whenever I please."

"You'd make fun of me even if I wasn't your 'bro'."

AJ seemed to be contemplating Howie's statement thoughtfully and he finally answered, "very true," with a continuous nod of his head. Carelessly tossing a pillow to the end of the bed and propping his leg up, he egged the shorter latino on with the story. "So, spill it before I lose my patience. I mean, how difficult can having breakfast with a lady be?"

"Add me, Jeanie, and toast together in an equation and you have problems."

"Toast, D? If you ask me, it's you who has problems."

"I'm not the one who started an argument over toast."

"But, seriously...toast!"

Howie groaned. "Yeah, man, tell me about," he sighed, collapsing into the chair nearest to him. "I swear I offended her by asking her to have breakfast with me. You'd think it'd be no big deal, right? Well, obviously I was wrong and made a mistake. We get down to the restaraunt right? And Jeanie suddenly gets up saying she has to run back up to her room and grab some cash real quick. I say no, that breakfast is on me and to order whatever she wants. So what does she want to order?"

"I'ma take a stab at it...um...toast?"

Howie rolled his eyes. "Smartass."

"Guilty."

"And that's where the whole argument started."

"Over the fact that she wanted to order toast? What's so wrong with that?"

"Give me a break, Aje. She felt like she was putting me out by having me pay for her. In her words she felt like she was "an inconvenience" to me. And she still claims she's going to pay me back! ...What's so funny?"

Indeed, AJ was left in a fit of laughter from where he sat, shaking his head in humor at his clearly troubled friend. "You, my friend, are...oh man, D, I don't even know what to tell you. How you managed to screw up...heh, whoo, really-"

"I don't find this to be particularly funny."

"Dude, I do."

Howie narrowed his eyes. "Some friend you are, ya know?"

"Well, I try," AJ grinned. "I still can't see how you managed to screw up a perfect chance."

Howie began to seriously wonder if AJ knew the meaning, the true meaning, of being serious. Propose the question in reference to Nick, and without hesitation Howie would answer "no". Propose it in reference to Brian, the answer would have to be sometimes, but more often then not Brian would vote for the less serious approach. With Kevin, well there wasn't even a need to think about it. Kevin's specialty in life was the aspect of seriousness. Howie couldn't even count the number of times Kevin had lectured AJ, Brian, and Nick in their earlier days about the importance of acting serious in the strict and tough business they were in. Howie usually found a way to keep himself out of such lectures. "A perfect chance?" Howie finally coughed out, "Chance for what? I only wanted to have breakfast with-"

Howie was interrupted and AJ never had the chance to reply as they both heard a series of short, sharp knocks coming from across the room. Neither made a move to get up and answer whoever was on the other side of the door. As the knocking persisted, AJ shot a sickeningly sweet smile towards Howie. "Mind answering the door, D? The doc told me not to put too much unwanted stress on my knee and I'd hate to go against his wishes and all."

"Since when do you ever listen?" Howie mumbled under his breath, ignoring the grin that had appeared on AJ's face as Howie stood up and ventured over to the door. Squinting into the tiny peep hole and seeing the impatient expression on his bodyguard's face as the large man stood in the hall, Howie paused. Time to go? He contemplated whether or not he wanted to open the door. But seeing as he didn't feel like being dished a lecture so early in the morning, Howie grasped the handle and slowly, to draw effect to the moment, pulled it open.

"Been looking all over for you, Dorough. Where ya been?" Scott demanded an answer immediately, arms crossed over his chest with a dark demeanor to match his rough voice. There was no chance for mistakening him as not being bodyguard. Quite stereotypical if you thought about it.

Howie opened his mouth to answer, but AJ had already beaten him to it. "'Ey, Scotty!" AJ called out. "Dorough boy here was having breakfast with a lady friend."

"Got a new love interest, huh?" Scott smirked towards the shorter man.

Howie sighed. "No, just a friend who I invited to have breakfast with me. Since when is that such a big deal?"

"And this friend of his just happens to be Jeanie."

"That english woman?" Scott asked.

"Yeah, my therapist. Nice, huh?"

"Dawg," Scott chuckled with humor.

"Not a love interest," Howie growled under his breath.

"C'mon dawg, you want her to be more then a friend. Admit it!"

"I think not," Howie answered after a few seconds of not saying a word. He could just see how much humor they were finding in this. Howie came to the conclusion that he obviously just needed to keep his mouth shut about such things as he knew the others were always up to giving him a hard time about it. "Time to head out?" was the lame attempt he used at changing the subject away from him. Scott's demeanor immediately changed to the same look of impatience that Howie had seen when he peered through the peep hole only short moments before.

Scott nodded. "Yeah and we're running a bit behind schedule, too," he answered in careful explanation. AJ, of course, sniggered to himself, making absolutely no movement to get up and gather his things. Maybe being injured like he was did have it's positive sides. He'd definitely take that one into consideration. "Just taking a long shot in thinking that y'all actually care for once, you were scheduled to leave going on twenty minutes ago. Everyone else is already packed up and on the bus, waiting."

"As if that's ever a first," AJ mumbled, sitting up and throwing his legs over the side of the bed. He grimaced in pain as he stood up; knee injuries were absolutely the shits. "Hey, Howie...mind helping me with my bags?"

"Yeah, I mind," Howie answered in his utmost serious tone.

"Dude, that was harsh."

"Payback's a bitch, Aje."

AJ fell silent after that comment and in his head began to plan a way on getting Howie back for that one. Ten minutes later and after bribing Howie's bodyguard with a piece of crisp green and white paper to carry his luggage, AJ was hobbling beside the other two as they made their way down to the lobby to join the others on the bus and kick it out of town and onto the next stop. It didn't take much for the occupants in the elevator to notice the lobby was completely filled to compacity and beyond; all they had to do was look out and down through the see-through glass walls. "Forget to tell us something, Scotty?"

"Unfortunately for you, the crowd has seemed to of doubled in size since the others passed  through," Scott smirked in reply.

"No, not unfortunate for us. We love our fans," AJ answered absentmindedly, wondering just how hard it would be to pass through this. Then again, maybe it would do himself some good to stop and chat for a minute or two. He owed the fans that much at least and hey, anything to delay their departure would bring him humor, strangely enough.

"Finally found the missing stooges?" Jeff, AJ's bodyguard, spoke in an odd loud tone of voice as the elevator doors slid open upon arrival at the lobby floor. The air was filled with a raised level of noise as a group of fans pressed forward towards the last two Backstreet Boys making an appearance in the lobby before the group's departure, which in turn set everyones' attention in their direction.

Not preparing himself for once, AJ was taken offguard as flashes of lights went off in his face, cries of, "Omg, AJ!", "AJ,. over here!", "AJ!!!", and items such as cd jackets, notepads, and posters were thrust at him from all angles. He grinned. Shooting a look to his left where Howie was already becoming overwhelmed and surrounded by the fans, AJ grasped the first thing he could, a minature group poster from a tiny
dark-haired boy, after balancing his crutches rather uncomfortably under his armpits. And so he set to signing picture, after poster, after cd jacket, taking picture, after picture, after picture for almost fifteen minutes time. Actually, that was a short period of time relevant to what they usually spent interacting with the fans. But the two bodyguards were now pressing them forward towards the lobby doors. AJ quickly threw off seven other sloppy autographs and five pictures as Jeff directed him through the crowd; Howie was already being pushed out the door by Scott. He found himself wishing he could stay behind in the lobby even longer, despite the fatigue he was feeling, but there was no chance of that happening that day.

"I'm taking a wild stab at this, but uh...I'd say we're in a hurry?" AJ said as he hobbled quickly towards the tour bus with the aid of Jeff.

"You're a smartass, AJ. A real smartass," Jeff chuckled and with that, he pushed AJ on board.

*****

AJ found it amazing that silence could seem so overpoweringly loud when you were alone and left with nothing but a head full of thoughts. Too much time on your hands could really get you to think about stuff that you normally wouldn't think of. Exhaustion had also crept into every crevess of AJ's body, which led to where he was now, lying atop the comforter in his bunk feeling tired beyond belief but not having the energy to close his eyes and sleep. However strange that sounded. Of course he'd attempted to catch a few hours of slumber, but ended up sprawled on his back staring at the bunk ceiling through the darkness after tossing and turning. It didn't help much that his knee was flaring with a dull throbbing pain. So AJ finally opted to just lay there and think.

He was still feeling plagued with the guilt of having hurt Kevin's feelings with all that he had said the day before. Releasing all of those thoughts from his mind was supposed to lift a heavy weight from his chest, but it seemed to only press an even heavier weight down instead. So much for the first group therapy session being helpful. No, it wasn't helpful at all, AJ thought. It only succeeding in rounding up more stress for him to feel and worry about.

AJ hadn't honestly meant to say as much as he did at that one time. Especially toward Kevin. It was just that he had been presented with the first real opportunity to open up to the fellas and every thought and feeling that had been welling up came rushing out and he didn't know how and when to stop. He didn't take the time to think that maybe he was doing more damage then good by cornering Kevin during the session. Now feelings had been hurt and AJ was left feeling crappy rather then relieved.

Kevin seemed to have become pretty withdrawn, not just from AJ, but the group in general. His facial expressions were downcasted, his eyes void of much life and spark. His demeanor had become quiet and he seemed to be in a state of melancholy. Kevin had spoken little to anyone in the past twenty four hours and had retired to the seclusion of his bunk since they had left for the next stop. Actually, AJ hadn't seen the older Kentuckian when he'd hopped on the bus. Given the chance, AJ was ready to take Kevin aside and apologize. But how he was going to be able to do that when Kevin was avoiding him, AJ was left with no clue.

AJ was also left wondering how much of an effect his words had left on the others. Although they tried not to be so obvious, they had become the slightest bit careful when talking to him. Nick was blunt about it more so then Brian and Howie, but AJ had to give the blonde credit. Nick hated getting on anyone's bad side and he was more then willing to go out of his way to keep from being the reason of someone's anger. Which explained why Nick had been acting oddly nice towards AJ since the therapy session had ended. But that didn't bother AJ so much as did Kevin avoiding him. Now he really needed to think of a way of mending that problem.

And still there was Jameelah that consumed every other thought AJ had. Going on two days and still AJ hadn't worked up enough courage to ignore her request and give her a call. Maybe it was the simple fact that she sounded so angry when she'd told him not to contact her again that was keeping him from calling her. He felt she deserved that much respect. But on the other side, AJ felt he deserved the same respect to know what he'd done wrong. The fact that his conscience was tearing his judgement in two directions didn't make things any easier. His mind kept reminding him that he barely knew this girl, yet his heart argued relentlessly that it didn't matter how long he'd known her. He'd felt a connection spark instantly the moment he'd met her and to him, that would be something he would be stupid to ignore.

And AJ couldn't ignore it, even if he wanted to.

He could only begin to wonder when his life would stop being so complicated and begin to get easier to live. Maybe that would never happen. Only time would tell and AJ was beginning to think he was becoming tired of waiting. Feeling so exhausted and not being able to sleep wasn't helping his mood at all, either. Rather it drug him into deeper, darker thoughts and an unhappy state of being. Silence wasn't being much of a friend at the moment also.

Finally AJ sat up, grunting in the process and throwing his hand above him before he succeeded in knocking his head a good one against the ceiling. He was accomplishing nothing other then wasting his time by just laying there. It was obvious he would be getting no sleep. So AJ decided, after thinking of nothing better to do, to make his way towards the entertainment room in the back of the bus and check if anyone was in there. Maybe watch an hour of tv, or sit in silence...again. Anything besides being in the confines of the dark bunk.

AJ pulled the drapes open and without giving it any thought, tossed his set of crutches out, only to cringe as they made a rather loud racket upon hitting the floor. 'Whoops' he immediately thought, biting down on his bottom lip as he paused for a moment to see if he had disturbed anyone. His biggest fear being Kevin. Not hearing any other sound though, he carefully tossed his legs over the side and prepared to jump down to some extent. But AJ didn't get very far before he felt himself collide with something and he had to quickly reach out and grab the edge of his bunk to keep from falling to the floor, and found himself inches away from slamming his bad knee into the wall. A string of obscenities escaped beneath his breath as he looked up.

AJ froze.

Kevin stood before him, looking no more then barely affected from AJ colliding with him. His emerald eyes were dull in color and looked glazed over, holding dark bags beneath them. It looked as if Kevin hadn't gotten any sleep lately and AJ seriously began to wonder about it. But before AJ couldn't open his mouth to say a single word, Kevin shot him a "glare" of some sorts that he couldn't decipher between being a look of anger or sadness. Then Kevin walked past AJ, disappearing as quickly as he had appeared and not giving AJ the chance to call after him.

AJ was left in a silent stupor as he stared in the direction that Kevin had just retreated. If looks could kill... AJ shook his head with a small sigh and gathered his crutches before making his way towards the back. He stopped only shortly in the kitchen area, thanking God that it was deserted, and retrieved an icepack from the freezer, then continued forward into the back.

Unfortunately for AJ, he found the entertainment room not to be empty, but occupied by a sleeping Brian who was sprawled out on the single couch in quite a funny looking position; he was laying with his upper body hanging over the edge, an arm draped across his chest and the other resting against the floor, mouth wide open and snoring lightly. AJ couldn't keep a chuckle from escaping his lips and he suddenly wished he had a camera handy as this could definitely be classified as a picture perfect Kodac moment. Making up for the absence of a camera, AJ reached for one of the couch pillows and tossed it at Brian's head, hoping to at least get some sort of reaction out of his friend. But all he got was an incoherent mumble from Brian that he couldn't even begin to imagine what was actually said. AJ hobbled over to the opposite end of the couch and collapsed onto it. "Wake up, 'Rok," he said, kicking lightly at Brian's limp arm.

This time Brian grumbled and moved in a way that looked as if he were trying to lay on his side, which resulted in him falling all of the way off of the couch. AJ waited silently, expecting Brian to wake up and wonder what the heck he was doing on the floor, but instead Brian reached for the pillow that had been tossed at him seconds before and continued to sleep. AJ looked on in disbelief and kicked at his friend again. "Wake up," he repeated, kicking Brian once more. It was no use as the only response he got was incoherent mumbles and a snore to match. Now this was something different. Brian the unwakable?

"Dude, Leighanne's on the phone for you." AJ grinned, figuring that ought to wake Brian up in an instance.

Bingo.

"No she's not," Brian grumbled, holding the pillow tighter beneath his head and refusing to open his eyes.

"Fine, the bus broke down."

"No it didn't."

"Nick needs your help?" AJ tried with raised eyebrows.

"No he doesn't," was Brian's short reply.

"Kevin needs your help?"

"He's sleeping."

AJ was about to tell Brian otherwise when he noticed the remote for the tv clutched in the hand that had been draped over Brian's chest. He quickly grasped it and began to channel surf away from whatever the heck it was that Brian had been watching before he fell asleep.

"Hey! I was watchin' that!" Brian was quick to protest as he peeked an eye open.

"Tell ya what, when you can give me proof that having both eyes closed and snoring is a way of watching tv, then I'll give it back," AJ smirked, knowing damn well that Brian wouldn't be able to make a good come back to that one. And he found himself to be right about that as Brian sloppily threw the pillow at him, which he was easily able to duck out of the way. His smile broadened.

"Was your only purpose coming in here to bother me?"

"No, but I woke you up didn't I?"

"I wasn't sleeping," Brian immediately tried to protest with a strangled yawn as he struggled to get up from the floor. He fell back on the couch.

"Sure you weren't, 'Rok..." AJ tried.

"Thought you yourself were sleeping," Brian replied.

"No luck," AJ shrugged. "Too much on my mind."

"I see."

AJ shrugged a second time as he continued to click through different channels, praying beyond hope that he would find something remotely interesting on. But knowing his luck... "Your cousin hates me," he suddenly blurted without giving any thought.

"Say what?" Brian choked out through a cough, turning to look at AJ. He was met with a look of complete confusion but utter seriousness, which caused Brian's eyebrows to furl in his own confusion. "What are you talking about?"

"Kevin hates me."

"What do you mean he hates you? Why?"

"Yesterday...during the session," AJ stated quietly. "Everything I said. I think he hates me now."

"I highly doubt that, J," Brian replied while searching for any trace in AJ's facial expressions that he were only joking, but AJ remained completely serious. Brian continued carefully, "If anything...he...probably thinks you hate him."

AJ nearly scuffed, slapping the icepack against his knee. "I don't hate him."

"Yeah, we know that, but he probably doesn't."

"I was a real asshole towards him."

"In all honesty J, you bruised his ego and his pride by telling him a truth of a matter that he didn't want to face," Brian tried to reason. "I mean, heh, you know how Kev can be sometimes."

"I really think I hurt his feelings though," AJ said.

"So he got his feelings hurt. But in the end, J, he respects you more because you made him see how he was acting," Brian answered, "And he'd rather know that then not know it."

AJ could begin to see where Brian was going with that, but he couldn't completely rid the guilt he was feeling. "Well, he sure has a funny way of showing that gratitude."

"Like I said, Kev got his feelings hurt and he's dealing with it in his own way."

"Yeah, I guess," AJ shrugged, tossing the remote to the space between him and Brian on the couch. He'd lost all intrest in finding anything to watch.

"Don't let it eat away 'atcha. Kev will come back around once he realizes that you don't hate him. Trust me, I know my cousin."

AJ nodded. "Thanks."

"Anytime. But uh, I'ma head to my bunk for more sleep."

"Knock yourself out."

"You should get some sleep too, J. You look like shit." Brian couldn't have looked anymore serious as he said this.

And AJ chuckled in return. "Yeah, yeah, you Kentucky Fried Chicken. I wouldn't be talking if I were you."

Chapter 29: Misleading Thoughts

Finding himself alone to do whatever he pleased for the several hours of downtime they'd been granted upon their arrival in the next city didn't bother AJ one bit. Considering he could barely keep his eyes open as the bus pulled up in the back of their new hotel, sleep didn't present itself as an issue. AJ had to will his feet to move in order to drag himself off the tour bus and barely remembered making his way through the crowd of fans that had gathered to greet them upon their arrival. He made the slow journey up to the respective floor his assigned room was located on and was almost out like a light before his head had even hit the pillow.

Two and a half hours later AJ woke up feeling completely refreshed without a trace of exhaustion slowing him down. He wasn't too surprised to see that his luggage, a suitcase and duffle bag, had been brought to his room while he was asleep and was waiting for him at the foot of his bed. Compliments of his mother, AJ was sure. A hot shower and a new set of clothes brought him fully awake and he set to ordering room service as his stomach was growling the word 'neglect' rather terribly. Now he sat on the edge of his bed stuffing the last french fry drenched with ketchup from his meal consisting of a bacon cheeseburger and fries into his mouth and downed it with a big gulp of Dr. Pepper. The television only feet in front of him had been previously set to some spanish soap opera channel and AJ hadn't bothered to reach for the remote and change it to something he could actually understand, blaming it on pure laziness. The show, whatever the heck was going on, was rather hilarious and AJ made a mental note to sit Howie down one day and have him translate it as they watched it. Now that would be pure entertainment in AJ's opinion.

The joy of feeling free to do whatever he wanted for hours on end soon melted away as AJ found himself setting the tray aside and mindlessly walking around the room. Ok, so he easily grew bored of the spanish soap opera without his translator friend around. 'Wouldn't D like to know he's been branded that title...' AJ thought to himself with a silent laugh. That's when he caught sight of his cellphone lying neglected atop his open suitcase and he seriously considered ringing his buddy up to break the news to him, or even send a prank call to Nick since he hadn't really spoken many words to him all day. But he was struck with a different thought.

'Call her.' AJ's mind taunted him mercilessly, had been taunting him, rather he just now really started tuning into that thought. Being presented with the actual chance to do so at the present moment, his cellphone lying in front of him and seemingly calling out to him to pick it up... coincidence maybe? But who was AJ trying to fool? Without a doubt he wanted to call her, beside the anger and confusion clashing inside him. He hesitated, though, with the lingering thought that to do so could cause even more problems to arise and that was something he just didn't want to have to deal with at the moment.

Then again, the worst thing that could possibly happen was Jameelah would hang up, ignore his repeating calls, and eventually block his number. Well, if that were to happen AJ would get the damn point, but the nagging feeling in the pit of his stomach wouldn't allow him to dwell on such pessimistic thoughts and caused him to bend over and reach for the tiny phone. Seconds later when he heard the distinct ringing in his ears, AJ sunk into the chair that had been placed next to the large window and waited in a dreadful state of anticipation for an answer.

And when the line was picked up on the other end, he couldn't find any words able to escape from his mouth.

*****

Kevin felt a sense of relief wash over him as he pushed the door open and walked into the hotel's fairly large gym setting, enveloped by an odd sounding silence but not being taken aback by the fact that he was alone. He was feeling better about being alone and being left alone rather then by being in someone's company. He preferred it that way at least.

The bench press across the room immediately caught his attention, looking promising for a bit of tension release, and drew Kevin in it's direction. But with each step he took, Kevin couldn't brush away the heaviness he felt pressing upon his shoulders. He hadn't been able to since everything had seemed to go down during the therapy session he and the fellas had participated in the day before.

Kevin sighed and set the weights appropriately to fit in the range that he could lift, then got into position on the bench.

He really had been all for the idea of them participating in one of AJ's sessions, had supported it one hundred percent because he was determined to be part of the help that got AJ well and back to normal. But Kevin would have never guessed, or thought, that it would have been turned against him. Sadly, Kevin never saw or understood all that AJ was telling him until that moment when AJ was spilling his thoughts and feelings about how Kevin had been treating him and the way he talked to him. In Kevin's mind, he never saw there was a problem. But AJ had made him see how blind he was acting and the realization struck Kevin hard.

As a group, Kevin and the others had all been through interviews and the such where they had to sit and endure endless questions and accusations that were made against them, but over time, going through such things became easy and was something Kevin grew accustomed to doing. But when he'd found himself presented with accusations being told to his face by one of his closest friends, he'd never found it so hard to just sit there and listen to it. Maybe it was because he was being forced to see that what was being said was true and his pride just didn't want to face it. As much as he never wanted to admit it, Kevin had the biggest ego out of the entire group, which often led him to being pretty blind to how he could act at times.

There was no use in Kevin trying to deny that he had been hurt with all that AJ said to him the previous day. That was something his ego was not capable of keeping secret and he'd already confided in his wife about such feelings. He didn't feel offended though, as he was afraid AJ, or the others, might now think. In all honesty Kevin was thankful that AJ had the courage to actually open up and tell him exactly how things were. For that, Kevin developed more respect for the younger man. But Kevin kept coming back to the fact that it hurt. Only, he couldn't decide which hurt more: the fact that he had treated AJ so badly to begin with or the fact that he'd been blind to it all along and needed someone to tell it to his face bluntly. Either way Kevin could definitely say he was highly embarrassed and disappointed, in himself that is.

He'd never meant to treat AJ so horribly and to think he'd played a big part in his 'brother's' downfall made him reevaluate himself as a friend. AJ may not have said it outloud, but deep inside Kevin could feel the hatred AJ had for him. It was only obvious and when it came down to it, Kevin could not blame him. Then there were the others. He'd been straying away from them in fear of what they now thought of him from all that AJ had said. Afterall, they didn't recieve nearly as much reprimanding as Kevin had. Being the oldest of the group, it had always been put upon Kevin to set good examples and he was always lecturing them about treating others with respect. Yet there he had been, blind to his own actions, and going against what he always preached. He was embarrassed, hurt, and his ego had been bruised...

Kevin continued to push the bar up and down, barely feeling the tiring effects it was having on his arms. He stared, squinting up at the ceiling and clentching his teeth as he counted reps within his head. The echoing of the door opening and closing didn't catch his attention and it wasn't until someone sat down on the bench next to his that he finally looked away from the spot on the ceiling he'd been focusing on. Kevin was surprised to see his cousin sitting there, decked out in a pair of black Nike pants, a white wife beater, and a Kentucky Baseball cap he wore backwards, looking ready for a workout himself.

"What?" Kevin finally asked, letting the bar hover less then an inch above his chest. He felt a sense of uneasiness pass over him as Brian continued to sit there, not saying a word.

"Nothing," Brian answered casually with a small shrug. "Thought I'd find you here though."

'Yeah, I was lookin' to be alone too' Kevin thought, pushing the bar back up. But he knew better then to say so outloud as he'd hate to offend someone else. "Yeah, thought I'd lift some weights to help the time pass," he chose to say instead.

"All in the family," Brian attempted to joke as he reached for a free weight. He tossed it back and forth in his hand. "We have the same idea."

"I'd say," Kevin mumbled. He placed the bar back upon it's support landings and sat up, rubbing the back of his neck.

"So..." Brian trailed as he watched Kevin stand up from the bench and get into the push up position on the floor.

"So what?" Kevin huffed out.

Brian chewed at the inside of his cheek. "Ya talk to AJ at all?" he suddenly blurted out, watching as his cousin paused in between a push up, but quickly continued as if he hadn't even heard Brian's question. Kevin didn't answer and Brian subconciously furled his eyebrows. "Kev?" he repeated, curling his fingers tightly around the weight and flexing the muscles in his arm.

"What?" Kevin asked with a slight hint of exasperation in his voice.

"I asked if ya talked to AJ at all-"

"No." Kevin cut his cousin off with such a short answer, it took Brian aback with surprise. Crystal blue eyes locked gazes with emerald green ones and the two cousins set to sharing an uncomfortable moment of silence. Kevin was the one to break the look away, though, and pushed himself through another rigorous set of push ups.

Brian on the other hand dropped the weight back onto the rack, ignoring the clinking sound it made as metal came in contact with metal. If there was one thing that irked him greatly about his cousin, it was how stubborn the older Kentuckian could choose to be. That was one thing Brian had been quick to learn about his cousin while growing up around him. Not only was Kevin a perfectionist to say the least, he had one of the worst stubborn streaks Brian had ever known and at the present time, it was most definitely surfacing. "Why not?" Brian finally pressed for an answer, not moving an inch from where he sat. "Don't you think you should at least talk to him?"

"Honestly Brian, no I don't," Kevin answered, clearly showing with just his facial features that this wasn't the best subject to be pressing towards. "What for anyway, huh? He's told me all he has to say. I don't have anything else to say to him."

Brian nearly choked on the laugh he was trying to stiffle.

"And besides, he hates me."

Brian immediately fell silent, AJ's words from that morning on the tour bus replaying in his head, matching the same tone drifting in Kevin's voice and for a moment he found himself speechless. "Kev-"

"I realize I was a jerk and pretty much a fool to not see how I was acting, and well, AJ did a good job to make me see that. I made a mistake and I know that now, so let me deal with my problems my own way. I don't need you to be-"

"Did ya ever stop to think that maybe J thinks you have some pent up hatred towards him?" Brian interrupted.

"I don't know where you get your information because I have no reason to hate him. You know that."

"But he doesn't. Kev, I talked to him this morning. He honestly believes you hate his guts right about now-"

"He's foolin' ya, cuz."

"He's foolin' me? I really think ya oughta go talk to him later."

Kevin's eyes turned a darker shade of green as he stood up from the floor, brushing off his pants without a second thought. "And I really think you oughta just leave well enough alone," he answered in a low voice, his features downcasted and void of any strength. "I'll deal with my problems on my own terms. I don't need you or anyone else making me feel worse then I already do." Kevin let go of an angry/frustrated mixture of a sigh, offering Brian an apologetic look for his less then friendly demeanor during their short conversation before storming out through the gym door.

*****

"Hello?"

The voice sharply pierced AJ's deepest thoughts where he found himself suddenly residing and he blinked his eyes rapidly to focus better on the task at hand. He hadn't expected his call to be answered so quickly, or rather in all honesty, he hadn't expected it to be answered at all. Yet AJ sat there listening to the one voice he'd been dying to hear and he couldn't find a single word to say. It wasn't helping the situation either.

"Hello?"

Jameelah's tone was very cold and unfamiliar to that of which AJ could remember from when he'd first met her, not including the past few times he had spoken to her, which had not gone well. Still his lips lay slightly agape and he begged his mind silently to say something...anything. All AJ recieved from himself was stupid silence.

"Listen here, whoever the Hell this is! Don't fucking call if you're not going to say a damn word! You're wasting my time and I swear to God I will not hesitate to track this call and hunt you down to give you a piece of my mind! So fuck off!"

"Cussing doesn't fit you, ya know." The words had slipped so suddenly from AJ's lips that he couldn't stop himself from saying them. Jameelah's choice of words had shocked him to say the least as he couldn't even begin to imagine her talking like such as he'd just heard. And from what he knew it didn't fit her personality. Then again, what did he really know?

"I beg your pardon?" Jameelah questioned, sounding oddly confused, but never the less annoyed and agitated with AJ's previous lack of voice. Then again, he doubted that she knew it were him speaking as her voice had shown no sound of recognition yet.

"It just doesn't fit you...cussing that is," AJ repeated, closing his eyes for a brief moment and trying to imagine that he were speaking to her face to face, but failing miserably.

"Who is this?" Jameelah demanded.

AJ didn't answer at first.

"I said who is this?"

"It's Alex."

It became deadly silent on the other end of the line and AJ was seriously beginning to wonder if he had once again been hung up on, but Jameelah regained her voice and it was just as cold as ever. "You obviously make it a serious habit to call and not say a damn word," she replied in a low tone of voice, causing AJ to wince slightly on his end.

"It's not a habit, it's just-"

"It's what, huh? If it's not a habit?"

"Jaymee, I just wanna talk," AJ finally opted to say, hoping with all hope that it would at least buy him a little time to say exactly what he was thinking in a civilized manner, seeing as the last time they'd conversed, things had blown up and caused all Hell for both.

"I'm finding that hard to believe..." Jameelah answered shortly after a few moments of added silence.

"Why are you saying that?" AJ questioned.

"I'm not going through this again."

"Would you just listen for one moment? I mean, honestly, just hear me out!"

"I don't have the time-"

"You don't have the time?" AJ chuckled sarcastically, his brows furling deeply. "That's funny because as I seem to remember, the last time we talked you told me I don't have the time to talk to you, yet I'm making it a point to take the time to call you, even after you told me not to give you another call! That's gotta count for something."

"No it does not-"

"Jaymee, please. I'm sorry. For whatever it is I've done to cause you to be angry with me, just know that I'm sorry," AJ sighed, calming his nerves to keep from blowing his top like he'd just nearly done. "I honestly don't know what it is that I have done to cause all of this, but I'm willing to do what I need to do to make it up to you. Just tell me what I've done wrong."

But AJ never recieved an answer. He could distinctly hear the phone on the other end roughly coming in contact with the floor and footsteps quickly retreating away. AJ didn't understand. He knew he was being sincere with everything he had just said, yet once again things didn't turn out the way he'd wanted it to, the way he was hoping it would. And Jameelah was still refusing to speak to him. Even after he had just apologized profusely and with all honesty of his heart.

"AJ?"

He realized he had pulled his cellphone away from his ear and was currently staring at it when he heard a voice, distanced in sound, catch his attention. AJ had his finger ready to turn the device off, but stopped upon hearing the new, familiar voice. Unwillingly AJ brought the phone back to rest gently against his answer. "What?" he asked, his tone suddenly scratchy and faltering.

"I thought you would have been quick to hang up," the voice replied without humor to match it's statement.

"Jenny?" AJ asked wearily.

"Yeah," Jenny answered. "You willing to talk?"

"Not unless you know what the Hell is going on with Jaymee..."

"Actually, that was what I was gonna ask you."

"I haven't got a shitty clue."

"I'm sorry?"

"I don't know what's going on with Jaymee. All I do know is that she's pissed off at me for God knows what reason and she won't tell me," AJ answered, not understanding why he was now talking to Jameelah's roomate or why she had picked up the phone after it had been thrown down in the first place. "I would think if anyone would know what her problem is, it would be you."

"She's been pretty cold lately and untalkative," Jenny replied carefully. "But she won't tell me why."

"Well that provides me a whole lot of help," AJ said sarcastically, slumping down in the chair he was sitting in.

"What'd she say to you?"

"Absolutely nothing."

AJ began to zone out at that moment as Jenny started speaking again, not hearing or comprehending a word she was saying. In one ear and out the other. That's when he realized the phone call had been a total mistake on his part. He should have just respected Jameelah's wishes and forgotten all about her, but of course, as always, his heart wouldn't let him. And his brain continued to throw him in every which direction, leading him to the same conclusion. He was still clueless.

"Jenny, I gotta go," AJ interrupted quietly and hung up before Jenny could object.