~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain
I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I’d see you again…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


She was absolutely perfect.

Her green eyes seemed to light up her entire face, and the way she smiled always made them dance with the excitement and happiness that she’d lived her entire life with.

Her lips, so full and pink, spread into that smile that always sent shivers down his spine and butterflies rampaging in his stomach.

Long, amber colored hair that ran just below her shoulders, falling behind her ears as if there were a magnet holding it there.

Wispy bangs that waved over her forehead that, sometimes when it was too windy, would get in her eyes, causing her to push them away with the back of her hand. It had been an involuntary motion for her – she didn’t even have to pause in the middle of a sentence…a fluid movement even if she was in the middle of doing something else.

Everything about her was perfect, the exact model he always compared every other woman to. Nobody could even come close to her beauty, and the most amazing part of it all was that the person she was inside made her one hundred times more beautiful.

He remembered everything about her; the certain way she would say his name, the way she always jingled her keys before unlocking the door, the way she drank her coffee with three drops of cream and two sugars. Even her little routines - for when she went to bed, when she got up in the morning, the songs she listened to depending on her mood, and the same way her eyelids would flutter when he would kiss her.

So many memories came back to Brian when he thought of her. Every time he looked at the picture he had the same reaction and he wondered, now, if it would continue like that. He almost wanted to put it away and only look at it when he absolutely needed to, not wanting to ruin it; now that it was the last reminder of her that he had. That thought alone brought the tears he’d been fighting so hard to hold back flooding to the surface, and he lowered his head as the familiar feeling of near-panic crept through his body. He tried to hold his sobs back the best he could, but it wasn’t much use. For the past day and a half he’d tried to ignore his feelings, only they were too strong to push down any longer.

As his body shook with a passion he hadn’t known he had, Brian felt like he was completely losing control, no longer caring about anything except that she was gone for good. Not just out of his life like she had been for the past four years. No, now she was completely gone - gone forever.

He’d never be able to talk to her or even think about her in the same way. All of the hopeful thoughts he’d had that they would somehow end up back together were stolen from him so quickly, and it just wasn’t fair.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Just yesterday morning
They let me know you were gone
Suzanne, the plans they made
Put an end to you
I woke up this morning
And I wrote down this song
I just can’t remember who to send it to

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

With tears running down his face, Brian sat in the chair, holding the familiar picture in his hands. His mind was jumbled with numerous confused thoughts, but his heart was beating only one thing over and over again. She was gone now, forever, and his life would never be the same.

He realized how wrong it was for him to be feeling this way, but that just caused the tears to fall with even more vigor. Leighanne, his fiancé, was downstairs, most likely worrying herself to death about what could possibly be wrong with him. He never liked it when she worried so much about him, but this time he supposed she had every right to be doing just that. She had no clue what was going on with him, nor did anyone else.

Just yesterday morning, when he’d received the news of Annie’s death, the initial shock hadn’t been too overwhelming for him, and he’d forced himself into automatic pilot in order to complete the day’s activities with the group. He’d been able to continue the same façade all day today, but tonight, as soon as he’d returned home, it hit him. It was while he was in the shower, and by the time he was out of the bathroom he was too emotional to even communicate to Leigh.

That’s how it had been for the past few hours. He hadn’t spoken to anyone yet, simply because he didn’t know who to talk to, let alone what to say. There was part of him that was sure nobody would understand what he was feeling, and there was part of him who didn’t want anyone to know. There was no way they would understand, he told himself. There just wasn’t any way.

That lone thought continued to run through Brian’s head as he lay back on his bed, suddenly feeling exhausted. As his eyes closed, the pain in his heart didn’t stop, and a fresh set of tears spilled through his closed eyelids.

***

Leighanne walked into the bedroom she shared with her fiancé and found him fast asleep on their bed, even though the sun hadn’t even set yet. He was clutching a wrinkled picture in his hands, so as quietly as she could she slipped it from his hands and covered him with a blanket, not wanting to disturb his slumber. She could tell from his tear stained face that he had most likely been crying all night, although from what she still wasn’t sure.

Yesterday he’d returned home in a strange mood, and it had just worsened today. He wasn’t talking to anyone, not even Nick or Kevin or any of the group members for that matter. Even when she had called his parents in an attempt to find out what they knew, she received the same answer. They were just as clueless as everyone else was, which just frustrated Leighanne even more.

Brian had never acted like this, shutting himself in the bedroom and crying himself to sleep. He was always the one who wore his heart on his sleeve, anxious to talk to her about anything that was bothering him.

Leighanne was as confused as she had ever been, but tried to ignore the pain in her heart. She loved Brian with everything she had, and it was killing her that he was hurting so bad and wouldn’t talk to her about it, but she loved him too much to push him. He would talk when he was ready, and until then she had to be patient and supportive.

Remembering the picture he’d been clutching, she picked it up and turned it over, revealing a moment that must have been captured many years ago, judging by the appearance of Brian and the girl he was with. It was a common pose, Brian standing next to a girl with his arm around her shoulders while she hugged his torso, her cheek pressed into his shoulder. They both had huge smiles on their faces, and a pang of jealousy shot through Leighanne.

She didn’t recognize the girl in the picture with Brian, and while she tried to keep herself from jumping to conclusions, she knew it was no use until her fiancé gave her answers. She thought she knew him well, seeing as how they were engaged to be married, but maybe she had been wrong. The frightening feeling that Brian was keeping something from her nearly rocked Leighanne to tears, but she swallowed them back as she placed the picture on the night table next to him.

If he didn’t want to tell her what was wrong, then she wouldn’t push him. She could only pray that he would come to her sooner than later.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Well there’s hours of time on the telephone line
To talk about things to come
Sweet dreams and flying machines
In pieces on the ground

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Brian remembered the phone call, so many months ago. The unexpectedness of hearing from her had shocked him enough, but the news she brought with her nearly killed him. He had only focused on bits and pieces of what she’d been telling him, but those key words were all he’d needed to put it together.

Cancer. Inoperable. Six to eight months, if lucky.

He’d been holding back his feelings for her for so long, but hearing what she was telling him had forced him to make the split-second decision. There was no way he couldn’t not tell her how he felt, how he’d felt for so long now, because he hadn’t known if he’d ever get the chance again.


~*~ FLASHBACK ~*~

“Don’t you ever think of what could have been?”

There was a silence on the other end, which Brian attributed to her being taken off-guard with his question, but he waited for her answer, wanting desperately to hear what she had to say.

“Brian, it was almost four years ago,” she said, softly. “There isn’t much sense going back in time.”

Brian was silent, halfway angry with her for not agreeing him but also understanding where she was coming from.

“I just…” he stammered, unable to find the words he wanted to say. “I miss you so much,” he finally told her. “It gets worse every day I’m not with you, and especially now; I can’t stand not being right there with you. You need someone there.”

“I have my family here, Brian,” she told him, then sighed. “I know you want to come, but I don’t think it would be a good idea.”

“Why not?” he asked. He knew his voice sounded whiny, but he couldn’t help it. All he wanted was to be by her side through all of this, and she wasn’t letting him. “Do you think it’s easy for me to pretend like everything’s okay when I know what you’re going through?”

Annie was silent on the other end, and Brian waited for her to say something. He knew she felt the same way he did - he knew her well enough to be able to tell. The real question was, however, whether she would admit it or not.

She’d always been the strong one of the two. Brian was always willing to do anything for her, and while he knew she loved him just as much, she was usually the one to be sensible, realizing that as much as they did miss each other while he was on tour, flying halfway across the country for a few hours together wasn’t very rational. It always just caused more pain than it was worth once they had to leave each other again.

“Annie, I wish I knew why I can’t let you go, but at the same time I don’t want to question it,” he confessed to her. “All I know is that I’m ready to spend the rest of my life with you.”

“You know that can’t happen,” she quickly answered, causing a momentary silence between the two of them.

“Then let me spend the rest of your life with you,” he pleaded.

There was a silence on the other end, and he heard her let out a few quick breaths, which told him that she was beginning to cry. It felt like he had been punched in his gut because he knew he was the cause of her tears, but he couldn’t hide his feelings.

“Annie, you know I love you.”

“And you know that I love you, too,” she replied, “but we’ve both had different lives for a long time now, and the current circumstances shouldn’t change anything.”

“But it does!” Brian told her. “Please, Annie, listen to me. Not a day has gone by for the past four years that I haven’t thought of you. I love you more than I ever thought possible, and the idea that I won’t ever be able to tell you this again scares the hell out of me.” He paused as tears began to prick his eyes. “I’m so sorry this is happening to you, baby. I wish I could trade places with you, really I do.”

“Don’t say that Brian,” she said, the tears in her voice obvious.

“But it’s true,” he replied, equally as choked up. “I don’t know how I’m going to be able to keep on going without you here.”

“You will,” she told him, although her voice wasn’t very convincing.

Brian shook his head, no longer fighting his tears back. “I know it’s been a long time,” he told her, “but there was always the possibility, to me, that we could still end up happily ever after like we always talked about.”

“You had to know that wasn’t ever going to come true.”

Brian was silent for a moment, and she let out a small breath of air when she realized that she was wrong. “No, I never let myself admit that it wouldn’t happen,” he told her. “That’s how much I love you, Annie. Please, understand me.”

“Brian, I do understand you, but I can’t let us make this mistake. What we had, it’s in the past. You have a new life, with a new person, and I can’t let you throw that away just because one thing has changed. Now I need you to be strong, okay? I can’t handle this if I know you’re being torn apart all because of me.”

Brian was silent, knowing that she was right but not wanting to admit it. He knew he had to, though, so that he could give her that piece of mind. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he made her feel guilty, especially when he wasn’t sure if he would ever talk to her again.

“You’re right,” he finally said, his voice soft. “I'm sorry."

He could practically hear her smile through the phone. “Thank you,” she whispered, understanding that he had most likely only said those words because he knew she needed to hear them so badly. “You know I’ll always love you, but you need to find the closure that I’ve already found.”

“I will,” he assured her, hoping he’d be able to keep his word.

“All right,” she said, taking a deep breath. “Then I guess this is goodbye.”

Brian felt the tears welling up in his eyes, but he fought them back and forced himself to remain strong. “Yeah, I guess so.”

There was a slight pause, but Brian waited, knowing that he’d never be able to say it first.

“Goodbye, Brian.”

Brian closed his eyes, willing up all of his strength to say the two words. “Goodbye, Annie.”

As he hung up the phone, Brian felt like all of his dreams, everything he’d been holding onto, was coming crashing down on top of him. He knew she was right, of course, but it still killed him to hear the truth.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Won’t you look down upon me, Jesus
You’ve got to help me make a stand
You’ve just got to see me through another day
My body’s aching and my time is at hand
I won’t make it any other way

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Leighanne couldn’t take it any longer. For the past week, Brian had locked himself up in his bedroom, refusing to talk to her or anyone else for that matter. And every night, she came upstairs to find her fiancé asleep on the bed, his eyes red and puffy from crying, while he clutched the same picture in his hand.

At the present moment, she was alone in the house, and she wasn’t sure if she could keep herself from panicking much longer.

Brian was no longer upstairs in the bedroom where he had been asleep earlier. Just after he had fallen asleep, she had gone over to her sister’s house for barely an hour, and when she had returned Brian was gone. There was no note, nothing to tell her where he had disappeared to.

Now, as she sat on the living room couch, she held the picture he’d been clutching earlier, staring at it as she tried to place the strange girl. She glanced at the clock and saw that it was almost one o’clock in the morning, and all jealousy she had previously been feeling disappeared as she realized Brian had been gone for more than five hours. At first she had told herself he was just going to one of the guy’s houses. Around eleven, though, she’d started to get worried, and after he didn’t answer his cell phone she’d called them all and they had all told her the same thing. He wasn’t with any of them, and they had no idea where he could be.

Suddenly Leighanne heard the back door open, and she saw his familiar figure stumble inside. He pulled his jacket off, throwing it onto a nearby chair before struggling with his shoes, then finally getting them off and throwing them to the ground next to the door.

“Brian?”

He froze, and his attention slowly turned to her as she stood in the doorway. Leighanne's heart skipped a beat when she saw his appearance. His eyes had the familiar look of being red and puffy, but they were also glazed over, a tell-tale sign that he had been drinking, something he’d never been good at covering up.

“Are you drunk?” she asked, worriedly.

Very rarely did her fiancé consume more than a few casual drinks, and she could count on one hand the amount of times she’d actually seen him drunk.

“Maybe,” he replied, stumbling past her into the living room.

Leighanne remained in the doorway, observing him from afar. His behavior was unnerving, and she wasn’t quite sure what to do. It was obvious he had a lot on his mind, but she didn’t know if having him drunk was the best time for him to talk about it.

“Where have you been?” she asked instead, hoping to avoid any argument.

“Out,” was his reply, short and to the point.

Leighanne frowned as she watched him slump into a chair, lowering his head so that his chin nearly touched his chest.

“Out?” she repeated, skeptically. “Out where?”

Brian slowly turned his attention towards her, locking eyes briefly with her before turning his head. “I don’t know,” he answered with a careless shrug. “A couple bars downtown.”

This surprised Leighanne even more, knowing how impossible it was for the guys to go anywhere public without making a huge scene.

“How did you do that?” she asked.

“I walked into a bar and ordered a drink,” he answered, sarcastically. “How do you think I did it?”

Realizing that she wasn’t going to get any intelligent conversation from him tonight, she walked back to the kitchen and shut off the light before returning to the living room, where Brian still remained in the chair.

“Why don’t you come to bed?” Leighanne asked. “We can talk in the morning.”

“I don’t feel like it,” he answered.

Which part of what she’d said he was answering, she wasn’t sure, but she frowned all the same. “Why not?” she asked.

He didn't answer, which drew out an annoyed sigh from Leighanne, who was close to giving up on him and going to bed by herself. But just as she was about to turn and leave the room, his voice stopped her.

“I don’t understand how God works sometimes.”

Leighanne looked at Brian with surprise at the comment that had just left his mouth. “What?”

Brian paused a moment before repeating himself. “I don’t understand how God works sometimes.”

Leighanne narrowed her eyebrows, thoroughly confused. Brian had always been the one to comfort the others when hard times came, assuring them that whatever was happening was all in God’s plan and in His best interest. Nothing happened without a reason, he’d always said.

“What do you mean?” she asked, not wanting to upset him any but very curious as to what he was getting at.

Brian let out a long sigh. “I know I always understood things before, but maybe I just hadn’t had something completely heartbreaking happen to me yet,” he reasoned. “Maybe my surgery and everything else was just a test to see how strong my faith was.”

“I thought it was unbreakable,” Leighanne replied softly, not sure if she wanted Brian to hear or not, but needing to say what she was feeling.

“So did I,” Brian mumbled.

Leighanne was surprised enough at that small implication that she was unable to find words to say, and she slowly took a seat on the couch, staring at her fiancé and wondering what was happening to him. This was scaring her more and more, and she realized it had to be something serious to cause this type of second-guessing within himself.

“Do you love me?”

Leighanne was taken back by the question. “What kind of question is that?” she asked him. “Of course I do.”

Brian lifted his head briefly, making eye contact with her, and the blank look on Brian’s face caused Leighanne’s heart to nearly stop. He turned his head away so he didn’t have to look at her any longer, and it took all of her strength not to break down right there.

“Brian?” she asked, her voice soft.

Brian didn’t turn his head, most likely realizing what the next words out of her mouth were going to be.

“Do you love me?”

It felt like an eternity to Leighanne until Brian turned his head to look at her, but when he finally did, all he saw was guilt and pain in them. Not what she had expected.

“Leigh, you know I do,” he told her, leaning forward in the chair and then reaching out, taking her hand in his. “You know you mean the world to me, but…things change. I was so head over heels for you when we first met, but something inside me’s different now.”

“What?” Leigh asked. “What’s different?”

“I don’t know,” Brian replied, answering almost too quickly as he let go of her hand.

The sudden lack of his touch caused Leighanne’s heart to drop. Something inside of her told her that their lives were about to change dramatically.

“She was the love of my life,” he mumbled, his voice cracking as tears began to flow from his eyes once again.

“Who was?” Leighanne asked, ignoring the pain she was feeling inside.

“Annie,” he answered, reaching into his pocket for something, then getting a confused look on his face when what he was looking for wasn’t there.

“Looking for this?”

Brian looked up and got a shocked look on his face when he saw the picture in her hands, and when he met her eyes, Leighanne saw how scared he was.

“Where was it?” he asked, his voice low.

“You left it on the night table,” she told him. “I’ve put it there every night.”

Brian looked confused, which Leighanne had figured he would.

“I come upstairs every night and find you the same way,” she told him. “I can tell you’re crying, and you’re always holding onto that picture.”

For a few minutes, Brian just stared at the picture in his hands, and Leighanne began to wonder what was really going on inside his head. Suddenly a tear slowly fell down his cheek, and he looked over at her.

“I’m so sorry, Leigh,” he whispered, looking her straight in the eye. “I never meant for this to happen,” he told her. “I swear, I never meant for it.”

Leighanne was still confused as ever. “What happened?” she asked.

Brian sighed and looked back at the picture in his hands. “I can’t love you,” he told her, softly. “I haven’t been able to love anyone for four years.”

Leighanne was speechless, unable to form words. She’d jumped to conclusions, came up with every excuse for Brian to be acting the way he was, but for one of them to actually come true was heartbreaking.

“I--I'm sorry,” Brian stammered. “I know it’s sudden, but I’ve just been hiding it for so long…”

“You’re kidding, right?”

Brian looked at Leighanne was sadness in his eyes, and Leighanne’s heart nearly broke in two.

“You’re not,” she whispered, lowering her head in shame. “You really don’t love me.”

“I do love you, Leigh,” Brian told her. “Just not enough; not in the way you need me to.”

Leighanne shook her head as he talked, and finally lifted it when he was finished. “I can’t believe this,” she said.

She stared at him for a moment before turning and leaving the room. All of the emotions she was feeling were wavering inside her stomach, and she felt like she was going to lose it’s contents any second. Never in her wildest dreams had she imagined that this would happen. She knew Brian was upset about something, but this wasn’t anything she could have suspected.

Her heart was barely beating through her sorrow, but she heard Brian sobbing in the other room, and realized she still didn’t know what was causing him to act this way.

Even though he had totally devastated her, she loved him with all of her heart. Throughout their entire three-year relationship, Brian had always treated her like a queen. He’d never hurt her intentionally, and she knew that for a fact. That’s why, despite the amount of pain and shock she was going through, she knew she couldn’t leave his side. He was a complete mess, that was obvious, and she loved him too much to leave him like he was.

As soon as he felt her hand on his shoulder, Brian’s head lifted, and their eyes met. The pain she saw in his eyes was awful, and it suddenly wasn’t that hard to want to stay by his side. She’d been there for three years now, and she knew this was the last time she ever would be again.

“What happened?” she finally asked. “I want you to tell me what this is about.”

Brian continued to stare at her, his eyes full of sorrow but still unsure and curious as to why she had returned to his side.

“Just tell me the truth,” she told him, pleading. “Please, just tell me the truth.” She was so tired of not knowing what was really going on…she just wanted to know the truth.

Brian lowered his head for a moment. “Someone I used to be very close to died,” he said, letting out a loud sigh.

“Who?” Leighanne asked.

Brian hesitated before finally saying her name. “Suzanne,” he whispered. “Annie is dead.”

Even after he said it, Brian couldn’t really believe it. He’d tried to deny it ever since he’d found out, not really wanting to admit it to himself let alone anyone else, but once he’d said it out loud, it was like it was finally for real. Tears pricked his eyes, but this time it was for a different reason. He never wanted to hurt Leighanne; she’d always been so supportive of him and helped him whenever he needed her. Now he’d put her in a position that would undoubtedly hurt her more than ever.

“Who is Annie?” she asked, calmly.

Brian was surprised at her calmness, but was also hesitant. “She was my girlfriend from back home,” he finally said, his voice soft and timid. “We were together for the first few years I was in the group.”

Leighanne forced herself not to jump to conclusions, telling herself that there had to be a reasonable explanation why this mysterious woman’s death was affecting her fiancé so much. She didn’t say anything, not quite sure what to say, and Brian lifted his head when he realized she hadn’t spoken yet. The look on her face told Brian that she was still confused, but to his relief there wasn’t anger in her eyes, just worry and uncertainty.

“She was diagnosed with cancer just after we broke up,” he continued. “When I found out I went back home to see her, and when I did, I realized that I never stopped loving her. I can’t explain it, she was just absolutely perfect, and I always felt so alive when I was with her…”

He trailed off, but Leighanne knew he wasn’t finished. Finally he lifted his head and took a deep breath, ready to continue.

“She beat it after two and a half years, and went into remission, but about three months ago she called me,” he explained. “She told me that it was back, and it was worse, and she only a few months left to live.” He paused momentarily, wiping at his eyes and fighting for composure. “I just never thought it’d happen so fast.”

He began to cry again, and Leighanne frowned. She’d never heard him talk that way about herself, or what they had together. Granted, he’d never said anything negative about her or their relationship, always stating how happy he was and how excited he was to get married, but the way he talked about this other woman, with the emotions in his voice and the way his eyes danced; she could tell this was a side he had hidden from her, and for good reason.

“So because Annie is dead, you don’t want to be with me anymore?”

Brian looked up at her with an apologetic look. “I’m so sorry, Leigh,” he told her. “I never wanted to hurt you, I swear I didn’t. It’s killing me that you’re finding out about all of this right now, but I tried. I tried so hard. It just didn’t work.”

“What didn’t work?” Leighanne asked. “Brian, you’re confusing me more than anything.”

Brian sniffled and nodded his head, understanding that she was confused. “I tried to do what she told me,” he explained. “I tried to move on and just cherish the memories I had of us, but it wasn’t the same. I just couldn’t do it, and now she’s gone and I’ll never see her again.”

He broke into a sobs then, letting his face drop into his hands and leaning forward onto his knees. Despite the circumstances, Leighanne’s heart broke for him, and she reached out, putting a soft hand on his back. At first he tensed up a bit and looked at her, not sure what she was doing, but when he realized that she was there for him, that the love she felt for him was unwavering no matter what, he began to sob harder.

Leighanne pulled him into her arms and rocked him slowly like he had done with her so many times; when her sister was diagnosed with cancer, or her grandmother died. He’d always been there for her in her times of need, and she would be there for him, too.

“It feels like a part of me is dead,” he sobbed, looking at her with sadness and guilt in his eyes. “I know you don’t understand this, but I hope you realize that I tried, I really do love you, Leigh. I just can’t love anyone the right way.”

Leighanne didn’t say anything as he clung to her tightly, desperately needing the support she was offering, but she allowed a weak smile to cross her face. She knew she was doing the right thing, being there for him; she loved him with all of her heart, and even though he’d just hurt her very much, she knew that her life would go on.

Right now, Brian was on the verge of falling apart, he needed her more than he’d ever needed her before, and she wasn’t going to let him down.

“All in due time,” Leighanne assured him, finally able to find her voice. “All in due time.”


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Oh, I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain
I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought I’d see you, baby, one more time again, now

Thought I’d see you one more time again
There’s just a few things coming my way this time around, now
Thought I’d see you
Thought I’d see you
Fire and rain now…


All lyrics from “Fire and Rain” by James Taylor

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~