A/N: As requested, here is the sequel to Permanent Tracings. I know that the timing is off in this, as Never Gone was released almost five years after Black and Blue rather than only two...but it is what works for the story! Enjoy, and as always, please leave a review!

Prologue

As Howie wrote in his journal, his right wrist caught his attention. A shiver went up his spine and then back down as he lay his pen down. He turned his wrists over, laying his arms down on the table top, studying the scars intently. It was hard to believe that it had been eighteen months ago already. Eighteen months since he’d tried to end his life. A lot had happened in that time, including a break from work, counseling sessions and a few surgeries to fade out some of the scars all over his body. He still refused to let the doctors fade out the almost fatal ones though. They were there to stay, so he’d never forget what he’d once tried to do and why he never could resort to that again.

Howie sighed. His counselor had requested him to keep a journal of some sort, for at least awhile, to tell what he was feeling. He’d told Howie that it would help a lot while he was still in his healing process. He hadn’t believed the man at first, but had decided to give it a try after he’d been home for a couple of weeks and the depression had started to come back in to his life slowly. He had to admit that it was helping.
Howie couldn’t believe that he’d let things get so out of hand. He’d been so depressed, sinking further and further, being sucked in to the black hole a little more each day until he was completely gone.

During his suicide attempt, being found by AJ at just the moment, he’d suddenly become scared, begging for help. It was as if in the few months of his depression, he’d been in a blinding haze. When AJ had found him, he’d snapped back in to reality again. Since then, he’d been getting his life back on track and was becoming the person he once was; happy, confident, and uplifting in spirits. It was a slow process, and he still had a long way to go, but there were definitely changes to be seen. With a shudder, Howie picked his pen back up again, starting to write out the last of his feelings.


....Today went pretty well. I met with the guys to talk and catch up on life in general. They’ve all been wonderful throughout this entire ordeal. I know that they don’t fully trust me, but I think things are getting better slowly each day. A.J. and I have restored our friendship now. It took a few months...or more like four but things are pretty much back to normal. He was so upset with me for so long, refusing to really talk to me at all. I really don’t blame him though. I betrayed his trust. I betrayed everybody’s trust.

Tomorrow we hit the recording studios again. I think it’s time. I believe that as long as we take things slow, I’ll be okay. I hope so at least. Every time I am having a bad day, or am a little stressed, I have to force myself with everything in me not to fall back in to my past path. That is a part of my history. I’m getting help now...I can’t resort to that again. So hopefully it isn’t too soon. I gave the guys the okay, but I’m having second thoughts already. We’ve had almost a year and a half off though, which is so much better than the original two months. I likely would have tried to kill myself either way...no, I know I would have. If I hadn’t done it that night though...who knows where I would be. Dead? It is very likely. Would I have been found by now? I don’t know. I live alone, so that’s another thing that is shaky. All I know is that being alive is great...despite everything, I am glad to be alive. Back then, I hated everything about life. I hated everything in general. I hated myself. So back to the point...we hit the recording studios again. Hopefully it will all go well. I’m nervous that if I feel too suffocated again, I won’t tell anybody and hide it again. I’ll keep it in and...well, I’m just afraid.

Howie put his pen down, reading over what he had written. In total, it had come to about three pages. On average, his entries were between two and five. It was hard for him to believe that in twenty-four hours, he’d be reunited with the guys again, back to the work that he used to love and felt he could love again if given the chance. He’d had a long talk with his friends, telling them he didn’t know if he could carry on being one of the Backstreet Boys only a couple of weeks after he’d been released from the hospital. They’d been shocked, but had respected his wishes. Only, a month later, Howie had started to get second thoughts, regretting it all and calling back, asking if he could be let back in. He didn’t know for sure, but Howie had a feeling that the Boys had known all along that he’d be back.

So here he was, about to go back on the road. He was excited, nervous and scared, but soon enough, he’d find the answers to his questions, the main one still being, was he ready?

Thank you so much to dancinpacer03,lenniluvsbrian, felicia, swenglish, ToriD, Anastacia, Azaleia, Anita and Jacque for reviewing! I can't wait to see what you all think of Chapter 1! Please read and review!

Chapter One

“Backstreets back, ALRIGHT!” Nick sang out as he entered the recording studio, bounding over to the rest of the group with high energy. Like almost every other time, he was late...the last one to arrive, “What’s up, everyone?”

Brian shook his head laughing at the blonde, who never seemed to want to slow down. There was no stopping him, that was safe to say. Now here they were, hitting the studios again and nothing had changed.

“So, now that we’re all here...” Kevin said, smiling a little at everyone, “I guess we should get down to work?”

He got several nodes, some enthusiastic, others a little bit unsure and hesitant. The reaction that caught his attention more than the others though was Howie. Every time they all got together, everybody paid special attention to him, looking for small little signs that he was heading down history’s path again. But before he’d acted completely normal, nobody seeing any of it coming. Therefore, they were looking harder for any evidence. The tiniest of odd behavior, and they were set in to overprotective overdrive mode.

“D, you okay?” Kevin asked, “Are you sure you’re okay with this?”

Howie drew in a sharp breath and put on what he hoped to be a convincing smile through his shaking nerves, “Yeah, I’m good. It’s been a year and a half...” his voice trailed off as he saw all four pairs of concerned eyes on him, “I think its been plenty of time to give me the time I needed to...repair myself, I guess you could say.”

Howie sighed. He should have known that this would happen. He’d prepared himself for it, but obviously not enough. He really didn’t want everybody hoovering over him like worried parents. He felt that he was fine now. Having everybody acting as if he were going to go crazy at any moment would only make him feel cornered and stressed. If he was let be, and they treated him normally, it would make his healing a whole lot easier. He’d feel normal, and not like some sort of sick case study.

“If you’re sure,” AJ replied, eyeing him nervously.

He was the one who was acting the worst. Howie knew it was only because they were such good friends and plus it probably didn’t help that AJ had been the one to him. He wanted AJ’s trust back more than anything though. Maybe AJ’s actions would influence the others. Him acting paranoid was making the others paranoid. Maybe if AJ trusted, the others would too? Howie wasn’t sure.

“You know we only care, right?” Kevin asked, his eyes soft, answering the questions as if reading Howie’s mind, “If we weren’t concerned, we wouldn’t even be asking.”

Howie shrugged and smiled, “I know.” he stated, but it still didn’t make the situation change. He wanted people to see that things would be different now. He wanted his friends, family and the world to know that he wasn’t insane.

Sensing that Howie wanted the attention completely off of him, and that he was uncomfortable with the conversation, AJ said, “Okay guys, we have a lot of work to do, beings it is day one...we’re starting over again...why don’t we get down to business?”

“Sounds great,” Brian agreed, “We’ve already gotten all of our material written, so I guess after playing around with it all, we’ll start the actual recording...for the album?”

The others nodded. Even though they already had everything written, they were looking to change their sound slightly. Unsure of what way they wanted to go, playing around with the music and lyrics seemed the best option out there. They had around forty-two songs to record, and after that, they’d all narrow down the selection to a mere twelve depending on which ones they felt sounded the best. It was a lengthy process, one that they had gone through several times. The only difference this time was, they may have to go a little bit slower.

“Since that is settled,” Nick stated, “Why don’t we take a break and order pizza’s?”

“We just got here though,” Kevin reminded him, “And it is only ten-thirty.” he added on as he looked down at his watch.

“Yeah, but I’m hungry!” Nick exclaimed, “I was running late and forgot to grab something for breakfast.”

“Niiiiick!” the group chimed out in unison, and the blonde blushed as he realized he wasn’t going to get his way quite yet.
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Howie stared up at the clock on the wall as he waited for his counselor, Dr. Robert Adams, to come and get him. For the first time since he’d been going to the man, he was late. And there Howie was in the stuffy waiting room all alone, uncomfortable and impatient. He wanted to get this session over with, because the sooner that happened, the sooner everything else could take place.

The first day in the studio had been two days ago already. It had basically just been talking and getting ideas together. Everybody had been told that Howie had one last session back in LA, where his home was, and they’d have to postpone anything further until he returned. He’d flown back home for his last counseling session the day before. After this, directly following the hour he’d be with the doctor, it was back out to Florida for good until the album was complete. A therapist had been hired for on the road with them until it was felt that he was going to be one-hundred percent okay, but whoever it was going to be wouldn’t arrive until later in to the next week.

“Mr. Dorough?”

Howie looked up to see Dr. Adams standing in his doorway staring at him. Wondering how long the man had been waiting, and how long he’d been lost in his own thoughts, Howie stood, walking in to the office, immediately taking a seat on the loft leather couch. It was all routine now. After nearly eighty weeks of going to the man, he no longer asked or had to be told to take a seat. He automatically did so, making himself as comfortable as he could get.

Dr. Adams took a seat as well in a big matching leather chair as well, taking a notebook off of the small table next to him. A notebook filled with Howie’s thoughts and spoken words. Key things that could help or be taken as warning signs. He flipped it open to the next blank page, sliding his glasses down on to the bridge of his nose as he eyed Howie.

“How are you doing today, Mr. Dorough?” were the first words the middle aged man spoke.

Howie shrugged, “A little tired. I just flew in from Florida last night. The time difference is setting me back some.”

The doctor just gave a small ‘mmm’ as he jotted some notes down in to the notebook already. Howie raised an eyebrow. Had he said something wrong already? Was it a crime for him to be tired? Did Dr. Adams think that he was tired due to sinking in to a depression funk again? For the love of God, he’d just spent an entire day on planes and airports for layovers, not to mention the three hour time change. What did the man expect?

“So, you’ve started recording again, am I correct?” he asked.

“Yes,” Howie replied, “The other day was the first in the studios, but we didn’t get much of anything done. We’ll really start cracking down once I return from here again...or at least make some headway.”

“How do you feel about that?”

“What do you mean?”

“Exactly what I said...how do you feel about getting started again?” Dr. Adams asked.

Howie thought for a moment, weighing out the pros and cons of it all. How did he feel? Sure, he’d been worried and wasn’t sure if he was ready after all. But how did he feel about everything if he really took the time to think about it?

‘I’m not sure,” Howie finally replied, “The other day went smoothly. Recording is always fun, so I’m kind of looking forward to that. It is the actual touring craziness that has me worried. It might even get to be too much once we start dance rehearsals on top of recording here in a few weeks. Before, none of it bothered me..years ago I loved it all, but since this has happened, I don’t know what to expect my reactions to be. But for now...I feel fine with it all, I suppose you could say.”

Dr. Adams looked up over his glasses at him for a moment before writing down more stuff. Howie got the feeling that the man didn’t believe him, wondering exactly what was being written about him. He always wondered each time, wishing he could take just a small look at the notebook to see if he was being called crazy or a hopeless case, or maybe something on the more positive side, being said that he had potential to live out a long, healthy life if he kept up a positive attitude. He was trying his absolute hardest to think with confidence, but did his attitude come off that way to others?

“Have you had any thoughts of turning back to cutting lately?” Dr. Adams asked, “Since the nearing of going back to work.”

Howie thought for a moment. Had he? He knew that everybody had crazy thoughts once in awhile, but he wasn’t sure if he was thinking like a normal person, or like the past crazy Howie who actually intended to do everything he thought. It was hard to tell the difference, distinguishing between the two.

“I, um...I suppose I have a little,” Howie admitted honestly, “Every time I have the urge to do something, I just get out my journal or call up a friend or go out and do something. Anything to get my mind off of things. I’ve just been trying to take things slow...ya know? Seems to be paying off nicely for the most part.” The doctor said nothing, just writing some more. Howie laughed nervously, “Did I say something wrong?”

Dr. Adams looked up, “There is no saying anything wrong, Howie,” he told him, “I’m here to help you. Honestly, you seem to be improving....it’s slowly, but there is progress being shown with every visit with you.”

Howie breathed a sigh of relief. It meant a lot to him hearing the man say that. Most days, he wondered if he was going to be okay, but the doctor seeming to be thinking that he would be made all the difference in the world to him, for the man sitting before him knew what he was talking about. Howie, on the other hand, was just confused, not knowing what to think or expect. Dr. Adam’s assurance in him pushed away all of the negative thoughts that had been swimming around in his head.

The meeting lasted another thirty minutes. Howie pretty much just talked about what had been going on and what he knew he was to expect in the next weeks, getting some things off of his chest. It felt good to talk to somebody about everything. Someone who wouldn’t judge him, or if he did, Howie wouldn’t know nor care. Dr. Adams wasn’t anybody close to him. The opinions he cared about and were worried about were the Boys. He didn’t want them to think lowly of him or feel he was incapable of anything. Howie knew he’d have to push himself to be okay and try hard not to get too overwhelmed. He had to prove he was in fact ready, even if he really wasn’t.

In five hours, Howie would be in the air again, on his way back to Florida. That was when this new chapter in his life would begin, as well as everybody elses.

Chapter Two

Looking at your picture from when we first met
You gave me a smile that I could never forget
And nothing I could do could protect me from you that night

Wrapped around your finger, always on my mind
The days would blend 'cause we stayed up all night
Yeah, you and I were everything, everything to me

Kevin sighed as he went in to singing the chorus of one of the new song possibilities for their album. They’d decided on giving this particular song a more rock edge after playing around with it, deciding that it being done as a slow song sounded wrong and more pop just didn’t fit in to the new sound they were going for. The words were really making him think though. The lyrics bringing back memories that he’d just assume forget. No matter what he was doing though, and where he was, the memories were still stuffed in the back of his mind, making him sad on the inside even though he tried hard to hide it.

I just want you to know that I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

All the doors are closing I'm tryin' to move ahead
And deep inside I wish it's me instead
My dreams are empty from the day, the day you slipped away

These words served true, if Kevin were to really think about it. He was trying with all of his might to move ahead and get on with his life, but he still missed Kristen, even though she’d screwed him over and left him in a heartless, cold manner. He hadn’t even seen her since that day he’d gone to her modeling recital and she’d broken the news to him. And his dreams were empty too. Ever since she’d left, he felt that he had nothing really to look forward to. Music was great. Singing and performing, and almost about to go out on the road again was something he was looking forward to. His life had been just about meaningless in the year and a half off, having nothing to do and no special somebody to have at home with him and cuddle up with. Now, besides his music, he had nothing to look forward to. Not really.

I just want you to know that I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

That since I lost you, I lost myself
No I can't fake it, there's no one else

Was there anybody else out there for him? Kevin sure didn’t think that there was at this moment. He wanted his Kristen back. He’d lost her for good though. Last he knew, she was engaged already to somebody else. Had she been seeing this other man before the divorce? Kevin wasn’t sure. He knew that she wasn’t a bad person. He did still love her, after all. Maybe she was right though in the fact that they just weren’t right for one another and never had been. It was honestly a confusing situation and Kevin didn’t know what to make of it. And he did feel lost. He felt as if he were just going through the movements. When Howie had tried to kill himself, he’d snapped out of it for awhile. He was still worried about his slightly younger friend, but all of his own life’s drama was coming back as well.

I just want you to know
That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again Just want you to know

That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

The song finished and Kevin breathed a sigh of relief. Every single lyric of the song fit exactly how he felt. It was as if it had been written for his situation. Each word stabbed at his heart, making him miss his ex more. It was as if it was taunting him, mimicking his sadness. After all, the song was about losing somebody you love, and trying to move on, but hoping that they come back, right?

“You alright, Kev?”

Kevin looked up and saw Brian standing next to him. Kevin shrugged, looking around him. He realized he must have spaced out when he saw the others standing there. He wondered if they’d started another song and he’d blanked or just caught the look in his eyes which he knew had to have read something along the lines of longing.

“Yeah, fine,” the eldest man stated, “Just...the song reminds me of Kris...that’s all.” he sighed. It was no secret that he missed her, “That last song just made it all come back ten times stronger than usual.”

“It’s alright, man...you were with her for almost twenty years...its gonna take more than one and a half to get over her,” Nick stated.

“You were a little off though,” AJ informed the man, “We’re gonna have to re-do the song so it sounds just right.”

Kevin looked at AJ and could tell that he felt guilty even bringing up the subject in the situation. It had to be done, because they all had to sound absolutely perfect in every song. No mess ups. If he sounded off, then it messed the entire song up. He cringed, wondering just how poorly he’d sounded.

“This is probably going to be one of the tracks that makes the album...will likely be one of the hit singles...so it has to be good.” Brian informed him of a fact that Kevin was already well aware of, “Let’s try again...think you’re up to it now or should we wait?”

Kevin shrugged, wincing at how badly he must have done if they had to re-do the song. He knew that this happened at times anyways, but he felt bad for being the one to set everyone back. Especially so soon in to recording. It was only the first day, after all. The first day of a couple months worth of hard work. With a sigh, he knew he’d have to focus. Really, truly focus on singing and wash away all of his thoughts and problems and sorrows. He was working now. It was time to leave everything else at the door on the other side, picking them back up again on the way out.

“Sure, let’s try again.” Kevin agreed, “I’ll be okay this time.”

“Alright,” Brian gave the studio workers a thumbs up, telling them that it was okay to start again, “Let’s take it from the top.” and the music started again as Nick’s voice rang out almost immediately.

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“Things went well today, dontcha think?” Howie asked, looking around the round table at his four best friends as he took a drink of his water, “I mean, as well as they could have for day one, right?”

He got several nods. It was obvious that they were all exhausted to a certain extent. After all, they weren’t really used to the long hours and working or being in the studios. Day one was down, and they had two songs that would be useful, turning out perfectly. It wasn’t much, but it was a start. They knew that they had a long ways to go, and were prepared for any obstacles that came their way.

“Yeah,” AJ rasped, breathing in on once of his cigarettes, “Things did go well. I like how the new sound is turning out,” he paused, looking over to his best friend for a moment. His eyes lingered on him for a second before speaking his thoughts out loud, “You’re not feeling too overworked, are you D?”

“No,” Howie sighed in exasperation, “I’m fine now...I swear to you, I am fine. I’m going to be fine. The cutting is over,” he saw his best friend wince at him snapping, the others drawing back in shock, immediately feeling bad for his outburst, “I’m sorry. I just want to get on with my life and it’s rather difficult with everybody always reminding me of my past, hounding me over it. It just makes things worse.”

“We’re sorry,” Brian said, “We care though...we can’t stress enough how much we care and worry.”

Howie shrugged. Again, he just wished that everybody would leave him alone with his histories problem. It was something he’d done, something he couldn’t reverse. He couldn’t turn back time and do anything over. If he could, he was pretty sure that he would in a heartbeat, going for help sooner. But with the way they were treating him now, he was beginning to wish he hadn’t been found on time. He hated being treated like a child, them having to put a safety lock on everything. He felt so damned guilty that it hurt.

Howie then looked over to AJ, who was avoiding even looking in his direction. He sighed. Would his and AJ’s friendship ever be what it once was? They had good days, where they got along great, then days where AJ warded him off, keeping his distance. Luckily, most days were good ones. They’d known each other and had pretty much become good friends before the Boys had even been developed, always seeing one another at various auditions. It seemed hard to believe that they’d known each other for so long. He wanted the strong friendship back though. The closeness that Frick and Frack shared. The bond that Brian and Kevin had. Since his depression and fall, Howie felt as if he were just felt sorry for and nobody really wanted to even be around him. They were just dealing with him until he got the hint and moved on all on his own.

“I know you do,” Howie finally said, “But don’t. I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t ready to be or want to be.”

By the looks on his friends faces, Howie knew he’d made a good point that was finally sinking in to the thick skulls of the men. He wouldn’t be there unless he was one hundred percent sure. He still did want to be a proud member of the Backstreet Boys. He just wanted things to go back to how they used to be years ago. That would be impossible though unless he was believed in again. But now, nobody knew what to say, afraid of the wrong things coming out to further insult Howie.

“Um, Nick...are you okay?” Brian asked after a few minutes, the attention shifting to the youngest of the group, “You’ve been quiet all night.”

“Yeah...and didn’t order anything to eat,” Kevin pointed out, “You usually are shoving in our leftovers.” he cracked at the blonde, “What’s up with that?”

Nick shrugged, not even smiling. In fact, the others wondered if he’d even heard or processed a thing that they’d said. His gaze stayed down, his spunk and energy completely gone. In fact, he hadn’t really been himself all day, which was unusual. The first real day of recording, and he hadn’t even hinted of being excited. Now that the cousins had called upon it, the AJ and Howie noticed too, wondering what was going on with their friend who was usually the life of the party, lightening the mood to any situation.

“Nick!” Brian and Kevin sharply said in unison, distracting the boy in to looking up at them blankly, “Are you okay?” Brian asked.

“Guess so,” Nick paused, swallowing, “I just don’t feel too good today.”

A worried expression passed over every ones features as they suddenly noticed just how pale he did look. Nobody had paid much attention before, but the blonde friend of theirs was extremely white and flushed, his movement sluggish and weak.

“What do you feel like?” Kevin asked, his fatherly role taking over with genuine concern for Nick.

Nick didn’t say anything for a moment. He just sat there, his body swaying slightly as he tried with all his might to stay upright. He swallowed, his throat burning as he did so. He winced, wishing that he had some sort of medicine to take, as he just continued to feel worse by the minute.

“I don’t know,” he coughed, “I’m just tired, ache all over. My head hurts and my heart feels like...it’s bout to beat out of...my chest.” The way he was talking let it be known that he was also short on breath.

“Hopefully it will pass by tomorrow,” AJ stated, figuring that he was just having a hard time falling back in to sync of things. The eighteen months was longer than they’d ever been out of work, and their work was stressful. Knowing Nick, he’d done nothing but sit on his butt for the entire year and a half, only getting up to eat or use the bathroom.

“Yeah,” Nick replied, forcing a faint smile that lasted all of but a second, “I’m sure it will.” he added none too convincingly

As he said it though, nobody believed him. He didn’t even believe himself. Only one day of recording was down and they were already facing problems. Little did they know, this was just the beginning.

Chapter Three

“Day three...hardly anything done,” AJ sighed as he entered the recording studio to find all of the others already there, “Think we’ll get anything more done today? Since yesterday was about useless.”

He got shrugs in response. It was hard to say. The recording process generally took three or four months, having on average two days off a week. Those two days were generally filled with meetings and other obligations though. They were lucky if they had a full one day where there was nothing. They couldn’t complain too much though with the large break they’d just come back from.

“So I guess we should get started and find out.” Kevin stated, deciding that the sooner they got right down to business, the sooner they could leave for the day. There were a couple of groans and Nick yawned, “If you’re all actually up for it.” he added, seeing how unenthusiastic everybody was.

“No, it’s okay,” AJ spoke for everybody, “I’m just looking forward to being back out on stage actually performing. Soon as recording is done, we can start planning for that. So let’s get to work.”


Everybody agreed, including Nick, who still looked under the weather. In fact, he looked worse than he had that first night, but kept insisting that he felt fine. Nobody believed him, but Nick was trying his hardest to convince even himself that he was okay, so nobody argued, granting the poor boy his wishes. After all, Nick was usually the one who whined whenever he had the smallest ill feeling or ache or hurt. This time though, he hadn’t said a word. They all believed that it was because of their already long break, and he didn’t want to be the cause for setting things back even further.

After agreeing on where to pick up on things, the five men took position behind their microphones, Brian singing the opening to one of the songs. The chorus came and then Nick’s solo. His voice came a few seconds too late, messing up the beat and sound completely. The music was cut off, as they were told to start over. This time when Nick’s solo came, his voice was on time, but out of tune, his sound coming out scratchy and his voice squeaking and cracking every now and then. The music stopped and stayed off this time.

“Nick, what’s going on?” Kevin asked, “Are you sure you’re okay?”

Nick nodded, his head hurting intensely. He was growing dizzy, but had to stick it out. He absolutely could not let on to anybody that he wanted to just rest for the day. Complaining was out of the question.

“You sound like absolute shit.” AJ commented, “You sound like you swallowed a rusty whistle.”

Nick glared at AJ, rubbing his throat. It hurt so badly, feeling as if he’d swallowed a lump of hot coals. He assumed he probably didn’t sound normal, but he couldn’t help that he’d gotten sick at the most inconvenient of times. It wasn’t like he’d prayed to God to make him sick to get out of work. He wanted to work, glad to be back. He hated that this had happened to him. It just couldn’t have come two weeks before, when he was officially still free of all obligations and well, waiting for his work to start again.

“Maybe I just need a drink.” Nick croaked, walking over to the side of the room to fetch his water bottle. All eyes were on him with concern as he bent down, but ended up falling to his knees. He put his hand down, kneeling his head bowed to catch his breath, but the room was spinning. Before he knew it, all of his friends were at his side.

“Nick, what’s wrong?” a voice asked...he recognized it, but couldn’t place it with any particular face.

Nick slowly turned himself over so he was sitting, his legs outstretched as he leaned against the wall. He leaned his head back, pressing his fingers to his forehead hoping that the pain would go away. He didn’t speak though. He couldn’t. His concentration was on how lousy he felt. He closed his eyes, feeling himself start to lose consciousness.

“We need to get him to a hospital,” Kevin commented, “Somebody help me get him in to a car?”


Brian offered, he and Kevin each taking one side of Nick, Nick’s arms draped over their shoulders as they guided him, their arms around his waist. Howie stood behind in case Nick started to fall while AJ walked quickly ahead to open the car door and help Nick, who’d fallen limp inside. The only thing on any of their minds, as Kevin took position in the drivers seat, was that they had to find the nearest hospital as quickly as possible, as Nick’s situation did not look good.

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Brian, AJ, Kevin and Howie sat in the small, confined waiting room at the hospital. They’d been there since Nick had passed out, four hours ago. There was still no word on their friend, and each man was worried that there was something terribly wrong. It scared them that they had ignored the signs for so long, looking past Nick’s falsely trying to convince them that he was fine. Each day, he had been growing weaker and it had looked as if he’d dropped a few pounds, for he rarely ate a thing. And instead of going out every night with the rest of them, he retreated to his hotel room, going to sleep at the early hour of nine-thirty. They’d all ignored it though, and now they were here, waiting for word on him.

“I hope he’s alright,” Howie stated miserably, “He just...”

Howie couldn’t complete his sentence, and the others didn’t make any attempt at speaking either. The hospital was the last place any of them wanted to be at that point, due to the last circumstances any of them were there. None of them spoke of the subject though, deciding that for their ‘brothers’ sake, it was time to try to let it go. Especially since his near blow up just days before.

“This is insane...” Kevin mumbled, “He’s always been so healthy and...upbeat. This just happened...out of nowhere, so quickly.” he wearily ran his fingers through his dark hair, the stress of this new ordeal causing him a lot of turmoil in his stomach, “I should have known something was up when he wasn’t joking around. When have we ever known that boy to be quiet and reserved?”

Ht got a couple of small chuckles as a reply. His point was good. Nick was always goofing off in one way or another. This was the same man whom they hadn’t allowed to speak during certain interviews to make sure nothing stupid was said. Nick’s energy and spunk was always going, making any situation interesting. So indeed, the fact that Nick had actually been acting like a mature human should have been sending out warning signals.

“We’ll find out soon enough,” Brian assured everyone, “He probably just ate something bad, knowing him, and has got a nasty case of food poisoning,” Brian shook his head and laughed, rolling his eyes, “Same kid who ate a bunch of pop rocks and chugged down two liters of Pepsi to prove a point to his brother that nothing would happen, and ended up in the ER getting his stomach pumped.”

This caused a round of laughter, breaking up the grimness and worry of the situation some. Nick did always find a way of getting himself in to the stickiest of situations, weather it was under bad terms or just having fun.

Just as predicted, a doctor soon appeared out of nowhere. He was middle-aged with thinning black hair and a few fine lines of aging under his eyes and near the corners of his mouth. He looked around for a moment at the few others in the room before turning to the Boys.

“Are you the family of Nickolas Carter?” he asked

“Yes,” Kevin stood, taking charge at once, “How is he? What happened?”

“He’s alright. It’s nothing life threatening. He just wore himself down a little too much is all,” the doctor stopped before going on, “Nick has a rather nasty case of mononucleosis...most commonly known as mono...”

“The kissing disease?!” AJ cracked interrupting the man, “HA...who’s he been sucking face with?”

Kevin shot AJ a glare, which caused his grin to fade. AJ stuffed his hand in his pockets, his shoulders slumping slightly. Nobody was smiling and he wondered if there had been something that he’d missed.

‘Go on, doctor,” Kevin stated after the awkward silence had somewhat passed.

“It’s caused by the Epstein-Barr Virus...has Nick complained of anything lately?” the doctor asked, “Any aches or pains?”

“Yes, but we thought...we just thought it was the flu or he was just worn down from going back to work.” Brian mumbled just coherently enough for everybody to understand, “He had headache, sore throat, he was always tired and complaining that his muscles and joints hurt...he quit eating...” his voice trailed off.

“Those are the most common effects. His temperature was around one-hundred and two and his spleen was also enlarged. I’d like to keep him here overnight and go over some things with all of you, beings Nick is pretty out of it right now. It might do some good to have somebody else in there...kind of a second ear.”

Each of the Boys nodded, wondering how they could have overlooked this. People had died from mono before, but likely because they’d already had a weakened immune system from other illnesses. Still though, it was the fact of the matter. They’d ignored it, shrugging it off as if it were nothing serious. Each one felt a certain amount of guilt, hoping that nothing bad happened to Nick.

“Yes, of course,” Brian stated, then smiled weakly, “Nick’s never been one to listen to anything important...might be a good idea for all of us to hear.”


The doctor nodded, telling the Boys to follow him. The four stood, each trailing behind the doctor, scattered around the hall as they walked. They were led to the elevator, finding themselves moving up two floors before being led in to a small, private room just for Nick.

Their friend was awake, although it was obvious that he felt ill and wasn’t completely with things. When they all shuffled in to the room, he slowly looked their way, his eyes slightly droopy. Despite how he likely felt and looked though, he offered a small, weak smile for all of them.

“Sorry bout this.” he croaked out.

“Don’t worry bout it, little bro,” Brian stated, “Just concentrate on getting better...”

‘Which is why we’re here...” the doctor interrupted, “You can leave in the morning, but there are some things I need to warn you about.” Nick nodded, waiting to hear it, “First of all, it is important that you get a lot of fluid and rest over the next few weeks. You won’t feel hungry, but try to eat like you normally would. You’ll need it to get your strength back up. I’d advise you take ibuprofen based pills for your fever and aching muscles. Aspirin can lead to Reye Sydrome, which will cause liver failure and death, so avoid that,” he paused for a second to let the information he’d given so far sink in so that they’d remember it, “Avoid sports and anything physical...dancing will be out for at least a month. Due to your enlarged spleen, it can rupture easily. It can bleed, you’ll get a fever and abdominal pain. Emergency surgery will be required. As I said, until I give it the okay, just take it easy.”

Nick stared at the doctor blankly, but not because he was confused. He was growing really tired and just wanted to sleep. He nodded after a second, hoping that he could remember all of this. Most of it sounded important. His eyes started to grow even heavier as he felt himself slowly giving in to a deep sleep he knew he needed. Hadn’t the doctor said he needed plenty of rest anyways...

“I think it’s best if you leave Nick be for the night. You can come back in the morning to take him home.” the doctor stated.

Each of the men nodded, wanting to stay with their friend, but also wanting what was best for him. So they agreed, not used to seeing Nick so under the weather. His skin was flushed, and AJ even caught a glimpse of a rash peeking out from under the arm of his hospital gown. It was safe to say that for at least a couple of weeks, things would be put off again.

“Take care, buddy,” Howie said, “We’ll see you tomorrow.”

Nick was already asleep though, oblivious to all that was going on around him. Watching their friend, their hearts filled with worry and sympathy, they slowly left the room, one by one to retreat back to the waiting room. This was surely going to be a long night for all of them

December 5, 2005

We started back up in the studio today. It’s been a month and a half since Nick was in the hospital, and the doctor finally deemed him well enough to get back out and return to his normal life. He’s almost himself again, which is a relief. Things haven’t been the same since Nicky’s been down. We’ve all missed his naivety and jokes. So this is definitely a good thing. I’m hoping that this is the last of the interruptions. It just seems like lately, something is always going wrong.

How am I doing though? I suppose you could say I’m okay. I think that I am, anyways. I’m just trying to live each day as its own and not worry about past or future dilemmas. Just worrying about the present. I suppose thats all I can do. It’s what everybody should do. It would definitely rid of a lot of the worlds problems if people weren’t always dwelling on the past or stressing about the future. I know millions upon millions are guilty of this. AJ, Bri, Kev and Nick are four of them. I’m still guilty of it somewhat, but I truly am trying to get past this bad habit. After all, isn’t that what got me here in the first place? Isn’t that what started this whole depression thing? What started the cutting? The scary thing, I still get the urge to cut...and even though they get further and further apart as time goes on, I can’t help but wonder if the urge will ever completely go away. Boy, do I hope it does.

Things with the counselor are going okay. Her name is Stacie. She’s rather cute, if I must admit so myself. She’s got these jade colored eyes that I could stare in to for hours upon hours. Her hair is a golden blonde color, spilling over her shoulders in loft, silky curls with a round face and cute button nose. She’s got an average build, toned, slender. She looks great, standing at the perfect height. She’s gorgeous in every way. Every time I see her, my heart-rate speeds up drastically and I break in to a cool sweat. She’s amazing, and is so easy to talk to. If only she wasn’t my counselor, or else I’d ask her out on a date. I’ve learned that we have a lot in common actually. She’d probably be my perfect match, but dating a um...well, I am a client of hers. There has to be some kind of laws against that. Therefore, I’ll have to try to look past my feelings. We have to keep things professional. Go figure...the first woman I like since Maddy, and nothing can be pursued due to it being work related business partners, or something like that. Life just plain sucks.

The guys are finally starting to lay off a little bit. It isn’t much, but anything is better compared to the integration that they were putting me through. I just wish that they would trust me. But hell, I don’t even trust myself really. As I said a little before...I still get urges. But part of them is due in part in them freaking out every time I get sad over something. But at least they quit hassling me for the most part. Every little thing doesn’t make them ask if I am okay. Being smothered only makes things worse. I wish that they would realize that. Maybe it will just take time. After all, we’ve only all been together again for a couple of months other than a few days here and there for visits throughout the rest of the time off.

So I guess that’s about it. I have another session with Stacie tomorrow. I have them twice a week. Just one more day to get through hiding my feelings. Maybe it would be best if I looked for somebody else to help me so that there aren’t any distractions. My only fear is that Stacie hasn’t done anything wrong. She’s the best out there...she might take it too personally. It would have nothing to do with her though. It’s all me...
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“Anybody have any input on when we should start on dance rehearsals?” Kevin asked, and when he got four blank stares, he sighed, “We’ve got a meeting with management to arrange these things in two days. It wouldn’t hurt to have some ideas to compromise with them on it...just a thought.”

“Beings it is December now...” Nick smiled, “A snow storm is always possible. Maybe we’ll get snowed in and won’t have to go. Could we wish for that? Huh?” He got some stifled laughs in response, so a confused Nick just asked, “What?”

“Nick, sweetie,” AJ snickered, “We’re in LA. The chances of it snowing are slim to none. It’s warm weather for us.”

Nick just continued to stare at them in confusion. They’d had one management meeting almost cancelled due to a horrendous snow storm back the last time they’d toured. He didn’t understand what made this time any different, and asked so himself, which just got a few looks of complete bewilderment and a couple of laughs.

“Did your mono affect those already sparse brain cells?” Brian cracked up, and when Nick didn’t reply, he stated, “Dude, you can’t be serious! We were in Maine last time...a place that is known for hundreds of inches a snow in a single winter. In California...snow is rare...completely, utterly rare.”

“Oh...”Nick’s voice trailed off, “I know that.”

‘Sure ya did,” AJ cracked, “Just like you knew that Norway was a place in Sweden.”

“Are you ever going to let that go?” Nick asked with a pout. It was nearly seven years later and he was still catching drift on a comment that had slipped out of his mouth without thinking first. True, he’d been completely serious at the time...

“Nope, because it was just too hilarious to,” AJ grinned evilly.

Nick’s face turned a beat red. It wasn’t known if the cause was due to humiliation or anger. It was assumed due to anger when Nick got up, headed straight towards AJ, looking just about ready to pound him in to the ground. The others watched in amusement, but Kevin knew that an end needed to be put to the fight before it started, just to be safe.

“Hey, guys!” he called out, “Business, remember...we have things to talk over.”

Nick looked over at Kevin, who held all seriousness in his eyes. He turned back to AJ, then back to Kevin, sighing in defeat as he returned to his seat on the floor. He wished he could punch Kevin in the jaw for interrupting, this breaking up things. He was sure he would have had AJ...almost positive...

“So, now that the goofing off is out of our systems,” Kevin begun, “Any opinions on when dance rehearsals should start? We get some say in it his time so that we don’t feel stressed out. We start when we feel ready.”

Howie bowed his head in shame, knowing that he was the reason for it. It was a known fact amongst all of them that if it wasn’t for his situation, they’d be carrying about things the way that they always had. That had worked out before...but now...they had to be cautious. He was a charity case, and he felt guilty for that.

“Um, well, when were we shooting for the tour to start?” Brian asked

Kevin shrugged, “Well, we need to finish recording before we can figure that out. But my guess would be probably a spring tour...start May...early June maybe.”“ He looked around to see the reactions to get an idea of how they felt about that. Everyone seemed to be fine with it, “So shoot for sometime in June at the latest. That’s settled. SO when should we have Fatima contacted to start dance rehearsals? Management wanted to know by the end of this week.”

“I don’t know...I guess we could start that in February. I’d say that should be enough time to get enough recording done so that we can juggle both for about a month, then just dance for the remainder.” Nick suggested, “Sound good to everyone? Howie?”

“I’m fine with that if everyone else is.” Howie spoke up right away, letting it known that he could handle things and didn’t need to be babied.

There was a round of small chattering about how things would work out, talking out the details and times so that there was nothing conflicting. Everything was getting set in to place, each man getting excited that this was actually happening again. None of them were sure if it would or not. Here they were though, the possibilities endless, all of the options likely. In the end though, it was agreed that Nick’s suggestion was a definite way to go about things.

“Okay, then it’s settled,” Kevin stated with one nod of his head, high fiving each of them to seal the deal.

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He sighed as he headed back to his hotel room, his stomach growling in protest from him
denying it food once again at dinner that night. It was something he had to do though. The others had helped him out too by not ordering anything as well when Nick hadn’t had his appetite to order anything himself. The blonde was still working back up an appetite since his most recent illness. One of the others had declined then, and he too had, so nobody would suspect anything when he gave in right away. They’d all just ordered drinks that night. That night had been easy, however he didn’t know if he’d be so lucky next time. In fact, it was very unlikely that he would be. He’d have to figure something else out.

He felt fat and gross, especially after seeing how much weight Nick had lost during his illness. In the four and a half weeks Nick had been down, he’d lost roughly thirty pounds. It had made him jealous and out of nowhere, feelings of inadequacy surfaced, and suddenly, every time he looked in the mirror at himself, he saw excess weight all around. This had nothing to do with wanting to have control over something in his life, as he loved his lifestyle and most of everything he had . He honestly felt he needed to slim down. With the new tour approaching, he wanted to look his best, not like the Rolly Poly Backstreet Boy. Starving himself seemed the only way to go. So far, he’d gone two days without eating. It had been rough, but he had a feeling that after he got past the first few days, it would get easier. The first few days were always the hardest, in any situation for that matter.

As he undressed to change in to his pajamas, he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. He saw a gut and thunder thighs, trying to suck in a stomach that wasn’t even there to begin with. He sighed in disgust, quickly turning away. He wasn’t able to look at himself any longer, walking away and grabbing his pajamas to slip in to them a quickly as possible to hide his hideous naked form. He wished he could rid of every mirror he would ever come in to contact with so he’d never have to look at himself again, but since that wasn’t possible...

He groaned, feeling as if he had love handles hanging over the edge of his elastic-band pajama pants. He grabbed on to the fat, feeling as if he’d gotten a massive handful, but in reality, nothing was there. It was all in his mind, what he thought saw nothing but a distorted body image, like what one saw in the mirrors in the fun house at the fair.

This had been going on for a couple of weeks now. He hadn’t done anything about it though until the most recent days. Every day for two weeks, he kept thinking that he was looking worse and worse until he’d finally decided to do something about it. And he definitely was, realizing he had the willpower in him to look exactly how he wanted to. He had to do it, before he turned in to something completely hideous. As it was, he felt he was already half way there.

Chapter Five

Howie smiled and gulped as Stacie entered the room. She looked so cute in a pair of khaki capri pants and a short, cut off top that was a plain pink with a V-neck, showing just enough midriff for imagination. Her honey blonde curls were up in a banana clip with just a few spirals hanging free to frame her delicately beautiful, tanned face. Howie’s heart leapt up in to his throat, wondering what it would be like to hold her in his arms, as she was at a size that would fit perfectly to him.

“Hello, Howie,” she greeted enthusiastically, breaking him from his thoughts as she sat down on a couch across from him. She placed a notebook she’d been carrying on her lap gently, organizing her papers before looking up in to his own eyes, “How are you today?”

“F-fine,” he answered nervously, his voice quavering. He instantly scolded himself, not wanting to come off as a complete moron. He hadn’t seen Stacie since his last session nearly four days ago, “And you?”

“I’m good,” Stacie chuckled, “A little tired...there was a baby in the room right next to mine that kept me up crying all night. I love children though.”

So do I Howie thought to himself And you’re welcome to come to my room any time...he shook his head to think more clearly and logically, but was unable to help these feelings that were developing for this woman. Every time he saw her, they grew even more intense. God, how he wanted somebody to love and for them to love him back. Somebody special. He was ready now, as he was completely over his ex and he saw now that they really hadn’t had so much in common. After talking with Stacie about it, he’d come to realize that he’d been holding on because he had loved her, but hadn’t been in love with her. He had just been too afraid to admit that to himself and let go, but when she’d ended things first, it had seemed like he was losing his everything. It made sense, now that he thought about it. With Stacie though, he could definitely see things being real between them.

“I’m...uh...I am sorry to hear that,” Howie finally stated aloud, “Hopefully tonight will...um...l be better?” he offered a shrug and small smile, wincing inwardly at himself for stuttering like some sort of bimbo.

“Maybe.” Stacie agreed, “But enough about me. How are things with you? Are you feeling too stressed or overwhelmed with everything?”

Howie thought about that for a moment. Was he? Or was everything flowing smoothly, the way it was intended to. He had mixed feelings on the subject. He felt that he was fine and everything was great, and he definitely hated the precautions that everyone was taking around him. But he knew that with one wrong turn, one thing that happened to make him feel submerged, and he could land himself in some unknown and empty place, cutting again. He shuddered at that thought, but it was the reality of the situation. Howie had to face the reality of what could happen.

“I guess things are, uh, fine...” he gulped, looking up at her. God, her eyes were such a gorgeous color. Howie could feel himself blushing, “For now, things are good...I mean...yeah, they’re good.”

Stacie looked at Howie strangely as if she didn’t believe him. This caused him to get a little paranoid, wondering what she was thinking about him. If she thought he was some moron, he would never have a chance with her. Hell, she was his therapist. He would never have a chance with her anyways. She knew things about him that nobody else did. Things that would make any woman run like the wind far, far away. They weren’t bad things, but rather feelings and emotions that most wouldn’t even want to begin to deal with.

“You start dance rehearsals in a few days, don’t you?” she asked, and Howie nodded, “How do you think you’re going to handle that?”

“God...I don’t know,” he laughed nervously, watching Stacie push a strand of hair behind her ear. How he would love to do it for her, and then kiss those perfect, soft lips...Howie snapped out of his trance again, looking for a cover, “Um..yeah, we start in two days. I can’t believe it is February already...” his voice trailed off again, “I think it will be fine. We’re almost done with recording. A, uh...a little ahead of schedule. So, um...we should be done with that in two weeks..I think.”

Howie felt like giving himself a good punch in the face. I think. He winced at how cluelessly moronic he sounded. He sounded like Nick for Gods sake. How could he even speak those words? I think. Damn. Shouldn’t he know? Stacie just made him so nervous and flustered. His brain turned to complete mush whenever he was around her. Absolute goo. Howie knew he’d have to try to cut that out though. For his own good as well as Stacie’s sanity to spare her having to listen to him blubber.

“You know if you feel too over-worked, then all you have to do is say the word and things can slow down.”Stacie reminded him. Howie sighed, “It’s for your own good and safety.” she added with a smile, “We don’t want anything bad to happen to you. It’s only been shortly over a year and a half. You’re still in a danger zone.”

“I know...” Howie’s voice trailed off again. He still got urges, even now. Especially when everybody hassled him. That alone was his biggest stress. Everybody always asking if he was okay and not trusting him. All he wanted was some trust and faith put back in him. Was that so much to ask? “Everything is uh, fine though...really, it is.”

Stacie raised an eyebrow, writing something down in her notebook. Howie bit his lip nervously. Was she saying he was getting better or was she saying that he was borderline psychotic? He couldn’t stand if she thought badly of him. He needed and wanted Stacie to see something special in him. When Stacie looked back up, she gave him a small smile that made his heart melt a little bit more.

“I think that’s good for today,” she stated, which caused Howie to draw back in surprise. He was being let out nearly twenty minutes early, “Same time on Thursday?” Howie nodded, “Okay then...I will see you in three days.”

“O...okay,”Howie replied, “Sounds good.” He stood up reluctantly, looking at Stacie one last time before walking out of the room.

Stacie watched him leave, shaking her head and sighing. The session had definitely been awkward and Howie had been acting strange, hence the reason she’d dismissed him early. She needed some time to think and put together what all of this meant, as for so long he’d been making steady progress each time they met and now this. Howie stuttering and his eyes shifting nervously as if he were hiding something.

‘Excuse me?”

Stacie looked up at the sound of a voice, seeing Kevin standing in the room now. She smiled at him, “Yes? What can I do for you?”

Kevin shrugged, stepping in to the room further, “I’m just wondering how Howie is doing. You know? If you think his mind set is getting better.”

Stacie bit her lip, “Technically, I am unauthorized to share that kind of information with you.” she told him, “I’m sorry.”

Kevin sighed, “Please? We’re all just worried about him and he snaps every time we ask him if he is alright lately. I just want to make sure. We care is all and want to know for sure, from someone who is trained to know how to read these things.”

Stacie wracked her brain for what the right thing to do was. She knew that under law, she wasn’t aloud to share information on patients. But these guys were Howie’s close friends and ‘brothers’. They’d been though so much with the man, and only wanted what was in his best interest for him. It was easy to see that stressing over Howie’s well being was taking a lot out of the other four men.

“If I tell you what I think, you have to promise not to let anybody else know. I could get in to huge trouble for giving out confidential information like this, understand?” she asked firmly, and Kevin nodded, “The past two times, Howie has been acting really strange. He doesn’t make eye contact and he stutters with every sentence he says. I get the impression that he’s lying and might be falling back in to cutting again. I don’t believe he’s started yet, but I think he might be headed down that road. You might want to keep an extra close eye on him.” she informed Kevin, misreading Howie’s strange behavior by a long shot.

Kevin took in a ragged breath, letting it out slowly. He ran his fingers through his dark hair, not knowing how to take this information. He honestly hadn’t been expecting what he’d been told. Lines of stress formed around his emerald eyes, wondering if they should just call everything off now before it was too late. Maybe things were too much for Howie and he was just feeling too guilty to admit it?

“Okay...um, thank you,” Kevin answered, “I’ll make sure to see that he doesn’t start anything again.”

Stacie nodded, picking up her things before standing, “Just for the time being, it might not hurt. I’ll see you later though, okay?” Kevin nodded, “And remember, don’t tell anybody outside of the group.”

“Yeah, right...” Kevin’s voice trailed off as he watched Stacie leave. He then sat down, putting his head in his hands, hoping more than anything that Howie wasn’t cutting again. He didn’t know if he’d be able to handle someone close to him being in danger again, as he’d already had to see each of his ‘brothers’ go through something potentially life threatening. It just couldn’t be happening again.

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“Here we go again!” AJ exclaimed with a wide smile, loving this part of tour preparation. The dance rehearsals were always the most fun. They were always a lot of work, but fun none the less, “This is going to be one kick-ass tour!”

“Ditto on that.” Nick agreed, “I can hardly wait...only a few more months and we’ll be out on the open road, traveling to a new place every night...I missed that.”

It was safe to say that everybody felt the same. If they didn’t, none of them would be there unless they really wanted to be. That was a given, or so they thought it was. Kevin’s mind was on Howie though, Stacie’s words haunting his thoughts. Was their friend in any sort of immediate danger again? Kevin honestly didn’t know how to tell. Watching him, he seemed to be fine, but what was going on within his head? He had seemed fine before, but on the inside, had been suffering immensely. Outer appearances weren’t always what they seemed. To be honest, Kevin never stopped worrying about their friend. He was always scared about the possibility of losing him. They almost had once. Just one minute later, and he wouldn’t have been able to be saved. As it was, he’d barely made it. Kevin shuddered at the memory of it all, glad that AJ had found him on time and had known that to do. He was glad that he hadn’t been the one to walk in on him though...

“You alright?”

Kevin looked up to see Fatima, their choreographer standing in front of him. He realized he must have dazed out, and smiled at her apologetically.

“Yeah, I’m great.” he stated, “About ready to get started?”

“In five minutes or so.” she informed him

Kevin nodded his head, again looking at Howie. He seemed to be having a good time talking with Brian a few feet over, but was he? Kevin sighed. Why did things have to be so complicated? Why couldn’t life just be simple and care free? Kevin perked up when he saw Howie get up and start to walk away. His overprotective, fatherly instincts took over as he felt panic, wondering where the man was going off to.

“Hey, Howie!” Kevin called out. Howie stopped and turned, “Wait up,” Kevin jogged to catch up with him and when he did, they walked side by side, Kevin asking casually, “Where you headed off to? We’re about to start.”

‘The bathroom..” Howie’s voice trailed off, eyeing Kevin as if he had lost his mind.

“Oh...” Kevin answered, feeling like the words biggest loser. But then, wouldn’t the bathroom be the most hidden place to cut if one were going to do so around his friends? “Can I talk to you for a minute?”

“Um, sure...just let me do my business and...” Howie just looked at Kevin as he entered the mens room.

Kevin figured he should just wait outside for his friend after the look he’d given him, as if he’d been afraid Kevin would go as far as to follow him inside. It was only a minute later that Howie returned. Not nearly enough time for him to cut, was it? Had he caught on to the fact that Kevin was suspicious? Or was Howie truly innocent. There was really only one way to find out for sure.

“So, what did you want to talk to me about?” Howie asked before Kevin had the chance to bring it up on his own.

“Um, how have you been?” Kevin asked lamely, not wanting for Howie to get mad at him.

“Good...”Howie let his voice trail, looking at Kevin, “Why do you ask?”

“Just making sure because we all care and don’t want anything to affect you in any bad way.”

Howie stopped and looked at Kevin, wondering what he was getting at. Then it hit him at once, and it angered him. Nothing had changed. He’d thought that they were all going to give him his space on the subject, but obviously, that wasn’t going to happen. At least, not on Kevin’s part.

“I’m fine, okay?” Howie stated bitterly, “And to answer the question I know you’re dying to ask, no, I am not cutting, but I do think about it sometimes. I haven’t done anything though, and don’t intend to.”

Kevin’s eyes widened in surprise at Howie snapping at him. Howie, of all people. He hadn’t expected it and was at loss for words, feeling guilty for even bringing the subject up. He had to take precautions though, right?

“I’m sorry..” Kevin tried to apologize, “I didn’t mean to—.”

“Just forget it, alright?” Howie asked, waving Kevin off as he entered the studio where everyone else was. Kevin had no choice but to follow, hoping he hadn’t caused any permanent damage to the friendship just by caring.

“Okay!” Fatima called out, “Since everyone is here, let’s get started.”

The Boys all scattered themselves randomly around the room, stretching themselves to warm up as Fatima started the music, demonstrating what they were all to do in following her footsteps, their top notch choreographer putting her talents to good use, teaching them only the best. They’d been out of practice for a long while, and were starting from scratch with entirely new dances, so mess ups were a given. They did, however, have plenty of time. Time and having fun with it were all that they really needed.

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He turned on the CD player, putting it on the song that they’d learned earlier that day. He’d had a hard time with some of the choreography and wanted to try to get better at it so he was up to speed with everyone else. He didn’t know what was with him lately, but he felt so low on energy and he felt as if he were slacking off. He absolutely could not slack off. It wouldn’t happen. The group was everything to him, and he wasn’t going to ruin it by being slow and fat. No way, no how.

Once the music picked up, he tried to remember what he’d learned earlier from Fatima, concentrating intently on the dance moves for Just Want You To Know. He wanted to get each step perfect, in sync with the others. They were all already way ahead of him, and he had seen the annoyance on their faces at him holding them back. Which was exactly why he had to catch up by the end of the night. By next dance rehearsal, he needed to be just as good, if not, better than the other four. He wanted to wow them, make them see something in him that they’d obviously thought was missing before. Besides that, if they thought he wasn’t putting forth serious effort, they might catch on to something being wrong in his life.

When the chorus picked up, he closed his eyes, trying to envision the steps in his mind as he tried them out in front of the mirror-coated walls of the empty studio. He opened his eyes to watch himself and lost his footing, nearly tripping over his own feet. He stopped and stared. Was that really him in the mirror? He hardly recognized himself, for the version of himself from years, even a few mere months ago, he had thought he’d looked good, healthy, thin and muscular. Had he been completely blind and in denial? He could see a double chin now visibly, and it made him want to absolutely kill himself. He couldn’t believe he’d allowed this to happen. In his year and a half off, had he honestly completely let himself go, ridding himself of years of working out and strict schedules to insure he as well as the others stayed in top condition.

“I am repulsive!” He muttered to himself.

He spun around so he wouldn’t have to look in the mirror, bending down to start the song over. It had him even more determined than ever to become perfect with the routine. He needed to get it down to a T as well as for the exercise. For the exercise, more than anything, because he wanted to become thin and fit again. He wanted to fit in with the rest of the group instead of standing out like a sore thumb. He could almost hear the voices whispering behind his back about how he’s turned gross and making up rumors about him. He could see himself in tabloids, them making the situation worse than it really was, or was it? He didn’t know anymore. All he knew was that something had to be done.

So for three hours, he danced himself to exhaustion, drinking only water, the only thing he’d consumed really other than a couple saltine crackers every few days, to keep himself hydrated. By the end of it, he felt he’d gotten the whole thing down about as good as he could as he fell to the floor, wiping the sweat from his forehead. Day one of intense working out was done, he had a long way to go. Many days of excruciating pain and long sleepless nights were ahead of him, but as long as it all paid off, it would be worth it.

Chapter Six

“Here’s to the release of our new album, Never Gone, and to the upcoming tour!” Brian toasted, holding up a glass of sparkling grape juice, “May it go well with no complications or worries.”

AJ, Kevin, Howie and Nick each held up their own glasses of the non-alcoholic ‘wine’, clinking glasses together to finish off the toast Brian had started. It was hard to believe, but that afternoon, the group had finished recording for their album, finalizing it with the finishing touches of choosing which songs would make the cut. It was definitely an accomplishment that they were proud of and decided that it was an occasion worthy of celebrating. Each man was proud of the work that they’d done for it, and felt confident that the songs that they’d deemed appropriate would be a huge hit for it.

“I can’t believe all of this pre-tour stuff is, ya know, wrapping up,” Nick commented, “Ya know, I mean its like everything is coming together now. We have what, another couple weeks of dance rehearsals, and then just practice and then...we’ll, ya know, be touring.”

“Good job Nick!” AJ laughed, “Glad that after going through this three other times, you figured it all out. Congratulations!” He started to clap his hands and soon, the others were also joining in in a round of applause.

“Aw, bite me.” Nick grumbled, but he couldn’t help but smile.

Everything was going so good lately that Nick just couldn’t be mad. Ever since his bout with mono, everything had been sailing smoothly. There had been no complications worth putting things on hold for, the only thing being worrying about Howie, who was in his own mind, undoubtably fine. They’d all been watching him closely and looking out for any signs, but so far, there had been nothing. Nick trusted his older friend, whom seemed to be doing rather well. By just looking in to his eyes, one could read that his happiness was sincere instead of forced on, smiling as a cover.

“Do you think this tour will be successful?” Howie asked, “I mean, I know we’re all wondering it, but we haven’t really spoken the words yet aloud about how we feel.”

All was silent as each man pondered Howie’s question. He proved a good point. All of them had wondered these things, keeping it within them. Was it time to finally bring it all out in to the open? Nobody said anything for awhile, just thinking. There really was no right or wrong answer, but there would be a good and a bad way to word it.

“I’m not sure,” Kevin finally spoke, “It will be our first album release in two and a half years. It’s been two since we last toured. I mean, we’re pretty much starting over in a sense. Music has changed a lot since the last time we released an album, so its expected that our past fans taste in music has too. So yes, I think it will be successful for what we do get out of it, but as I said, we have to come to terms that it will be a little bit different.”

The others nodded, knowing that Kevin couldn’t have worded it any more perfectly. It made sense and he had brought up points that they’d all thought of but had been too afraid to say aloud. Now it was out in the open though and it was known how things were felt. Sure, this was their first album in two and a half years, however they had every intention of being around for a very long time.

“You’re a smart man, Kev.” Nick grinned, his comment causing everyone to just stare at him for a long moment in bafflement, “What did I say wrong?” he asked self-consciously when he caught on to the stares.

Nobody had the chance to reply because their server had come to the table to take their orders, interrupting the conversation for a brief moment, starting with Nick.

“Steak, medium cooked with french fries.” Nick ordered, handing her his menu.

“Cheese burger fully loaded, and um, onion rings.” Brian told the server

“Grilled chicken with a side of green beans, please.” Kevin ordered, getting his usual plate of something healthy.

“Garden salad with nothing on it. Lite itialian dressing on the side.” AJ told her.

Each man looked at AJ as if he’d lost his mind simultaneously, just staring at him in confusing.

“AJ, the king of junk food, ordering a salad only?” Brian laughed, “Are you alright man? I have never known you to be a health freak like my cousin.” this comment caused Kevin to scowl in defense, and he started to protest, but AJ’s voice was the one that projected first.

AJ shrugged, “Just in the mood for a salad, I guess.”

“Whatever man.” Brian shook his head, seeing the server walking away from the table. He laughed, adding “Bone lost his mind. Better not steal any of my freakin onion rings, dude. I’ll slap your hand off if you so much as touch my plate.”

AJ rolled his eyes, taking a drink out of his water glass. Seconds later, all was forgotten on him as the attention rolled to Nick, who’d just knocked over his own glass of liquid, it rolling across the table in all directions before dripping to the floor. Everybody groaned in humiliation as Nick just bowed his head sheepishly.

“Just like taking a two year old out.” Howie laughed, as each man tried to sop up the mess as best they could with their napkins as they got stares from all around making Nick want to just sink underneath the table and hide, his face turning a beat red. With Nick and his klutziness, it was safe to say that this tour definitely wouldn’t have a dull moment in it. Around Nick, life normally didn’t as it was.

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Kevin sighed as he made himself comfortable in his hotel room. Dance rehearsals that day hadn’t gone as well as some, but he supposed that he couldn’t complain to much as he’d been in a few that had been completely disastrous as well. They were all working extra hard to get things done in an adequate amount of time and were a few days ahead of where they should be. This gave them plenty of time to perfect whatever they were doing wrong instead of rushing and compromising with hoping that their minor glitches wouldn’t be too noticeable.

The album was in the works of being produced now. It was hard to believe that it had been nearly a week ago now that they’d finished the final steps. Now, the rest was just getting the dances down and then promotional events that would take place. Tickets to their shows would go on sale in a month. Once upon a time ago, they could sell out venues that seated eighty thousand people, easily. Now, their shows would fill smaller outdoor stadiums that sat between four and seven thousand. He wondered if they would sell out as well. It really didn’t matter though. They weren’t doing this to see how many seats could be filled. They were doing it for their loyal fans that had stuck around during their break for Howie to heal. One thing was for sure though. Each man hoped that this was the beginning of a long lasting comeback.

Kevin’s thoughts were distracted by his cell phone ringing. He snapped his head up, reaching for it on his night stand. He picked it up, looking down at the caller id display screen. The number looked familiar. It looked very familiar, couldn’t place a finger on who the caller was. He knew he’d seen the number before...

“Who is it?” Kevin muttered, really not wanting to answer the phone unless he knew exactly whom he’d be talking to.

Kevin sighed as the phone continued to ring shrilly, but then went silent. Kevin shrugged, deciding if they wanted him that bad, they could just leave a voice message. He went to set the phone back down, but it started ringing again in his hand before he got the chance. Looking back down at it, Kevin realized it was the same person calling again.

“Damn, they have perseverance.” Kevin grumbled, and suddenly panic surged through him, wondering if everything was okay. Why else would they be calling so persistently? Deciding to take his chances, Kevin flipped open his cell, “Hello?”

“Kev? Hi.” came a female voice.

The tone was firm and somewhat frosty, but Kevin looked past those facts as excitement surged through his body. He knew that voice. It was a voice he had only dreamed about hearing again someday, and here she was, speaking to him. Had it really been almost two years since he’d last spoken to her? It seemed like so much longer yet like it had only been a few short weeks ago at the same time. All he could think was that she was calling to ask for another chance, for she realized that she’d made a mistake. God, how he would love to have her back in his life, for Kevin still loved her with his life. He’d never stopped missing or loving her.

‘Kris, baby!” Kevin exclaimed, his heart pounding furiously in his chest, “Wow...how are you?”

“Don’t ‘baby’ me, Kevin. That’s not why I’m calling.” she set him straight, “In fact, it’s far from it. So just don’t get any ideas about this. It means nothing.”

Kevin drew back as if he’d been slapped. If Kristin didn’t want him back, then why was she calling? There had to be a logical explanation for this. Was he dreaming? Had he imagined the entire phone ringing? Had she missed him temporarily and just wanted to hear his voice as much as he’d longed to hear hers? Many unanswered questions ran through Kevin’s mind and he wondered why this was happening. Was God out to torture him? Maybe Kristin just wanted to be friends, deciding she’d been immature.

“Kevin, are you there?”

“Um, yes...I am.” Kevin answered, snapping from his train of thoughts, “Why are you calling? Is everything okay.”

There was a long pause and Kevin was unsure as to if this was a good thing or bad thing. It was then that he’d noticed he’d broken out in a cold sweat. God, he was so nervous. Why was he so nervous. Maybe it was because he had the sneaking suspicion that since Kristin didn’t want him back, there was something else she was calling for. Something that she would only call about if she had to and she really didn’t want to even be talking to him.

Kevin could feel his throat start to clog up as he waited for an answer. All he’d wanted for the past twenty-two months was for Kristin to come back to him. He’d thought that he was finally getting his wish, but it had been a false hope risen to an extreme high and now it had plummeted to the ground as he realized that Kristin was never going to come back to him. This actualization caused some silent tears to well up in Kevin’s green eyes and he didn’t even bother to wipe them away.

“I have a child...” Kristin began finally, “A fourteen month old.”

“We...we have a child?” Kevin gasped, shocked at what she’d told him. It was the absolute last thing he’d expected to hear coming from her lips. He had always wanted kids, but with her career, it just had never been in the equation. Until now. So was Kristin calling to tell him that she was going to grant him visitation rights?

“I never said that, Kevin...I said that I have a child.” she was quick to correct, “He’s not yours.”

“But...you said that he is fourteen months old. We...we were still together when you got...” Kevin’s voice trailed off as he realized what was happening. His wife had cheated on him and had gotten pregnant by some other unknown man. This caused Kevin a feeling of being punched in the gut, as he felt winded and his heart stung worse than he’d ever be able to imagine possible. He pressed a hand to his heart as if it would help ease the pain, but it didn’t work, it only made him feel worse, “When...how...why?” Kevin found the strength to ask through his wave of emotion and trembling voice.

“At a show a few years ago. I met a man. We’ve been seeing each other since and then...I got pregnant. We got married a year ago, but he hasn’t had any auditions for awhile and we’re running low on money since my pregnancy set my career back. So, I need you to send me a check to get us by until he has his movie audition next month.”

“You’ve lost your damned mind.” Kevin growled, suddenly angry. He couldn’t believe the request that Kristin had bestowed upon him. It was completely mind boggling and took some sort of nerve for her to even suggest it.

“I’ll blackmail you, Kevin. I swear to God, I will make sure that your name gets a bad rep if you don’t do this.” Kristin suddenly seethed, “I will say that this baby is yours and you haven’t been paying child support.”

Kevin took in a deep breath, wondering what to do. He had no doubt in his mind that this woman wouldn’t do such a thing to him. So what was he to do? He really didn’t want to help to support his ex and her new family. It just seemed unethical to him, especially when the woman had cheated on him. Kevin felt her really had no other choice in the matter though. There was plenty she could use on him to make the situation worse if he didn’t cooperate under her treaterous wrath.

“Fine,” Kevin grumbled, “Just...just this once, and then leave me alone. As you said, we just weren’t meant to be together, so stay out of my life and I will stay out of yours.”

“Deal,” Kristin replied, “Just don’t get any stupid ideas about this. I’ll be expecting that check.”

Kevin tried to reply, but the line went dead. So many emotions were running wild through his head that he didn’t even know where to begin. As he closed his phone, Kevin realized for the first time that he was now full out crying for the first time in over a year over his long lost ex. His shoulders trembled as he knelt forward, burying his head in his hands in misery as he realized just how much he still missed the woman whom screwed him over in more ways than he was even capable of realizing in his distraught state of mind.

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“I can’t believe I’m even thinking of doing this...again” he muttered, his voice trailing off as he looked in to the bathroom from his bed.

Not eating just wasn’t an option any longer because the others had started to notice him not ordering anything at all. They hadn’t come out and said it, but he could tell by the looks that they’d shot him that they suspected. That couldn’t happen. Not now. Not yet. It was too soon for him to be figured out, because he hadn’t reached his weight goal. So therefore, he had to do whatever was in his power to continue on with this without drawing attention to himself. He’d only lost ten pounds thus far, however it wasn’t showing yet. He was becoming discouraged, and he knew he’d have to try harder.

Sighing, he stood, retreating to the bathroom. He looked in the mirror, seeing chubby cheeks and a double chin when in reality, his cheeks had the image of the beginnings of sinking in. His eyes were dull with dark circles under them. And to make things worse, for the past week, he’d started eating again, only to retreat to the bathroom to throw it back up again. He’s started out eating small things...healthy things, but then decided if it was coming back up, he might as well have whatever he wanted. And why shouldn’t he? Weather he had just a small piece of fruit or a big meal, the end result would be the same within minutes after the meal.

Kneeling down, he opened the lid to the toilet seat, looking in to the bowl of clear water. He wished that his future was so clear. Instead, it was a dark, endless tube of possibilities, much like a black hole. If he didn’t get his weight down, live as he knew it would be over. He would have no future. That was what he really truly believed.

So as he knelt over the bowl, he forced his finger down his throat as far as he could get it to start up his gag reflex. Before he knew it, he was heaving everything he’d consumed just minutes before, not stopping until he was confident that he’d rid of everything in his stomach, leaving him with nothing but a nasty taste in his mouth.

Taking a minute to get his composure back, he then flushed the contents down, standing up to brush his teeth so that the pungent taste would go away and so that nobody would smell the vomit on his breath, finishing off with gargling with mouthwash. He’d thought of everything, knowing that if he wasn’t careful, weather it be his roommate or somebody from the stage crew or management team, would figure him out.

Hearing a knock on the door, he knew that he was late meeting the others out in the hall for their plans that night. Leaving the bathroom, he took off his t-shirt, pulling on a baggy sweatshirt in its place. He and the guys were going out that night to a dance club for fun to try and practice some of their moves and to just have a good, fun time on their night off. Their only night off that week.

“Be right there.” he yelled, checking his room for any last signs of his habit before grabbing his wallet and the room key off of the night stand, tucking it in to his pocket as he went for the door.

Chapter Seven
February 27th, 2006

Why is it that every time things start to go good again for me, something happens to make me crash back down again? Am I just not mean to be happy? It is so frustrating and infuriating. Like our first day dancing. As hard as he tried to be casual, Kevin still came right out and asked me if I was cutting again. I mean, damn, I am surprised he didn’t follow me in to the fucking bathroom and watch me like a hawk at my every move. I’m not...so why won’t they believe me? I thought that I had his trust back again, but him even suggesting that told me that I don’t. Nothing has changed. I was foolish to think that it had. At least the others are laying off, but maybe they are thinking the same things as Kevin. I just feel like I am not good enough since all of this has happened. I feel like maybe I never was good enough and am just wasting my time. All I want is to be trusted though. Just that one act towards me could change so much. Why can’t anybody see that? I mean hell...it’s been two years. Why can’t they just understand that all I want is to move on with my life and try to put the past behind me?

Then there is Stacie. Why do I act like a rambling idiot every time I am around her? I mean, I get sweaty, nervous. My eyes dart around everywhere to avoid making eye contact with her. I stutter. I act like a complete geek. I want her to like me...the way that I like her. If I keep things the way they are going though, she will never see me as anything other than a patient who acts like a complete idiot and needs help. Hell, maybe she won’t anyways. Maybe I am being stupid and not thinking clearly. It’s just depressing. I really, really like her a lot. The more I get to know her, the more I find we have in common. It’s like we were meant to be together, but there is one thing stopping us...she is my therapist. I have become a strong believer in fate though. Why else would AJ have walked in on me in just the nick of time that one night? He saved my life. What are the chances of that? I truly believe that I met Stacie for a reason too. The one woman I’ve connected with better than anybody else besides the Boys. Someone I feel I am meant to be with. But even things with them are different now. Maybe it is all in my head and I am just being paranoid, but it seems so real.

Rehearsals are going great so far though, on a positive note. They always did give a sense of excitement and pride, I guess you could say. Every time I nail one of those moves, it gives me a sense of satisfaction, like I am doing something right for once in my pathetic life. And the new album is going to be fantastic. As always though, Kevin and I don’t have many solos. It just gets to a point where you wonder what you are doing wrong. Why do things always turn out the way that they do? Why does it seem like I am always looked past? All of these questions I get the feeling I will never have answered. It’s my own battle. Unless I just up and tell everything that is on my mind and get angry, things wont change. Hell, they probably won’t anyways, so what is the point of yelling when it isn’t in my nature? There is no point. I just wish I could be noticed instead of feeling like the invisible man.

Anyways, so the album sounds great and dance rehearsals are going about as good as could be expected for as long as we’ve been at them. The only thing missing in my life is true happiness. I’m much better than I was in the beginning of all of this but I still want to be happy again. Maybe someday, it will happen. I can only hope, but as long as I am being smothered and feeling inadequate like this, it will be awhile before it does.

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Howie hummed to the tune of one of his favorite songs as he made his way to the elevator of the hotel. He was running late for a meeting and for the first time in his life, he didn’t care. It wouldn’t kill anyone if he was fifteen minutes late. It felt good to him to do things on his time without abiding to every rule. It made him feel free as opposed to on some sort of lock down, being controlled by puppet strings. Sure, Howie was aware of the fact that he would probably get yelled at by several people when he did arrive, but he wouldn’t care. He honest to God wouldn’t care. Even when Kevin had tried calling him on his cell phone, Howie had ignored it, sending it straight to voice mail. Why answer when he was on his way? Even though he knew he was just digging himself a deeper hole, it would be worth it since he was living that day by his rules on his time, his own schedule.

Howie thought about what he’d like to do after the meeting. It was early evening and dance rehearsals had ended early that day to make room for the meeting. As soon as it was over, Howie had every intention of taking off and doing something that he wanted. He felt in the mood to go to his club that he owned, Tabu, and see how things were running. He hadn’t been there in quite some time and since he was in the area, he figured he might as well drop by and make sure all was going smoothly.

“Hey, Howie!”

Howie turned to see Stacie standing next to him. Immediately, all of the confidence he’d felt started to falter as he gulped, smiling at her nervously. Today she was wearing a simple pair of low cut hip hugger jeans with flared bottoms and a tight sweater in the shade of a lightest green that matched her eyes, drawing attention to them even further. Her hair was down, her silk curls spilling over her shoulders. She looked absolutely breathtaking and Howie couldn’t help but gawk.

“Hi Stacie.” Howie murmured, stopping in his tracks, “Um, how...how are you?”

“I’m good,” Stacie laughed, looking at Howie strangely, “Just off to do some site seeing for the afternoon. What are you up to?”

“Meeting...I’m late.” Howie said lamely, then felt like kicking himself at how stupid he sounded. Why couldn’t he talk to her? Why was this so incredibly difficult for him? He just added to the problems though by adding, “I’m in uh...not in a hurry though. They can um...wait I guess.”

Stacie just laughed politely, wishing she knew what was going on with him. The man had been acting so awkward lately and she couldn’t even analyze the meaning. Was he cutting again? His nervous, jumpy behavior proved that he probably was, but then again, he’d hid it so well before so she believed that he would be able to this time as well. Unless, due to the fact that everybody was now on guard around him, he felt nervous and...

“So, um...where are you um...going sight seeing at?” Howie asked, distracting Stacie from her thoughts.

Stacie shrugged, “Oh, I don’t know,” she smiled, “I guess just drive around until I see something that looks interesting. You always find the best places when you aren’t looking though, right?”

Howie gulped, looking at her slender curves, and then her soft lips. He had to look away to avoid doing anything stupid that would get him in to trouble. How he wanted to take her in to his arms though, holding her there. This attraction was getting out of hand, and even Howie was smart enough to know it. He couldn’t help it though. All he wanted was for Stacie to either like him back or for his crush to vanish and he see her as nothing more than somebody to help him through his mental problems that he supposedly had. He then realized that he’d spaced out and hadn’t answered yet, quickly trying to find a cover for himself.

“Oh, um....yes...you do.” he stammered, “I um...I remember in um...in London...that happened.”

“Yeah,” Stacie smiled, “Well, I should get going. It’s almost dark and I’d like to get out before it’s too dark. And besides, you have that meeting to get to. I’m sure your friends are wondering where you are by now.” She smiled warmly at him.

“They can wait...” Howie muttered, but then said aloud, “I guess so. So um...have fun.”

“I will, and you too.” Stacie stated.

There was a moment of awkward silence as the two just stared at each other. Stacie got the impression that Howie wanted to say something more, but was afraid to. She waited patiently though as he just looked at her, his breathing beginning to become irregular. Stacie raised one of her perfectly shaped eyebrows, shifting somewhat uncomfortably. That’s when it happened. Howie pulled her in to his arms and at first, she was afraid that he was going to hurt her. That was until he pressed his lips against hers, giving her a soft, meaningful kiss. Stacie still drew back in shock though, just staring at Howie in confusion. Howie just stared at her though, hurt until he realized what had happened, causing himself to jump back.

“Oh God..I’m sorry...I...I’m so sorry.” Howie apologized in a panic before turning and running down the hall in the other direction as quickly as he could away from Stacie, whom he’d just made an even ass out of himself in front of because he couldn’t contain his feelings any longer.

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It was too good to be true. Things were going exactly as he had liked them too, but he hadn’t been prepared for it. He was shocked and confused yet happy. It was unreal. Nobody was even noticing him and his weight loss. Not that it showed much...to him at least. But still...fifteen pounds was a lot. It made him feel relieved that he was getting away with this. Nothing else mattered to him. Just continuing on so that he could keep his job as a performer. As he’d thought time and time again before, that still stood. Nobody would want to come to see an overweight man perform. He had to get his image back before the tour took off. He had to...no questions asked. That’s all there was to it.

Another thing made him happy. The others were concentrating so much on others problems and worrying about everybody else that nobody even bothered to notice and worry about him. He’d never really had a problem in his life...well, at least not for awhile. A few years. Nobody was worrying about him. In everybody’s eyes, he was perfectly fine. In his eyes, he was perfectly fine. He was just dieting a little to lose a few extra pounds. Sure, it wasn’t the healthiest way, but he had limited time to get it done. There wasn’t anything wrong with that. Not in his mind. In his mind, everything was fine.

With that thought in mind, his stomach growled. Going to the sink, he got a class of water...the only thing he consumed when he was alone. When he was with the others was the only time he ate, and it was just for show. Nobody had caught on to him going to the bathroom after each meal for ten minutes. Thankfully, nobody had followed him. That would ruin everything and would drive him crazy having that food in his stomach. He had to dispose of it quickly or else it would be too late. So he gulped down the glass of water, feeling only somewhat satisfied. He knew that it was all he could have though if he were going to keep up with this. Time was running out. It was the beginning of March already. Tickets for their shows were going on sale soon. He only had three and a half months to finish his task. After that, he would stop.

He tried to think of the last tour and smiled. It had gone so well, or so he’d thought. Everyone had been happy on the outside and they’d had fun. But then problems had arose right after it ended. The time off had been the reason for his downspiral. Maybe if they hadn’t had the break, he would still be looking good and feeling great. He would still have been active. He could honestly say that during the break, he’d been pretty lazy and not really tried. He’d just relaxed and taken things easy. Look where it had gotten him though. He shook his head in disgust, downing another glass of water. If he could turn back time and do it all again, he’d have done something with his time off. He’d have changed a lot about the past. Hell, he was even starting to feel bad that nobody was noticing him, and he did mean nobody. Wasn’t that what he wanted though? He honestly didn’t know

A few tears fell down his cheeks as he became suddenly so confused, not knowing what he wanted out of all of this. Did he want to continue or did he want somebody to notice and care? He was now going back and forth, but he knew until somebody did notice, he wouldn’t quit. No...he definitely wouldn’t give up. Not until somebody told him that they were worried and even then, he might not. But until then, he would just cover himself up with baggy clothes and pray that nobody would until the time was just right. But the question was...when would that time be right? He was just confused, feeling like he didn’t even know anything about himself any longer and that, more than anything, scared him.

Chapter Eight

Stacie sighed as she looked out of the window of the hotel conference room. She checked her watch again, seeing that Howie was now forty minutes late for his session that day. She knew now that he wasn’t going to show up, and this worried her. Especially since she hadn’t seen the man around in four days, since he’d kissed her and run off. If she got a glimpse of him, he would disappear to avoid her at all costs. Stacie was worried, for if him acting weird wasn’t bad enough, now he seemed paranoid on top of it all. Skipping out on sessions was serious too. She honestly wondered what was going on with the man, figuring that it wasn’t anything good.

Stacie turned her body away from the window, walking over to the table. She took one final look around before picking up her things, leaving the room. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that Howie wasn’t going to show up. She was depressed though, honestly starting to second guess her therapist abilities. She had her patient skipping out of her, getting more awkward by the day and now she couldn’t even put a finger on what was causing his unusual behavior. Maybe she was losing her touch, as she used to be considered one of the best. That was how she’d landed such an incredible job opportunity in the first place. Now though, she was doubting herself.

Walking to the elevator, Stacie had many thoughts running through her head, only wanting to help Howie. Did he even want help though? She didn’t know. It was definitely hard to tell. Whether he wanted it or not though, Stacie knew that if she didn’t do her job and try, then there was no point in her holding a job as a counselor. That’s when she got an idea though, not knowing why she hadn’t thought of it sooner. So stepping on to the elevator, she tucked a strand of her honey hair behind her hear as she pressed the button for the floor of the Boys rather than her own two stories below them.

The elevator dinged telling her that her floor had been reached and she stepped off once the doors opened. Taking long strides to the room she was looking for, Stacie shook her head, still not believing she hadn’t thought of this, thinking it was probably just about the most obvious thing in the world. Who other than Howie’s best friend would know better than what was going on with him? The man was around Howie almost all of the time and Howie probably told him things that he didn’t even share with her in their sessions. Stacie couldn’t express the relief that she felt when the man answered the door when she knocked.

“Stacie, hi...what can I do for you?” AJ asked, giving her a friendly yet confused smile.

“Hey AJ,” Stacie replied, “Have you seen Howie?” AJ shook his head, shooting her a confused look as he opened his door wider, gesturing her inside. He closed the door as Stacie explained things simply, “He never showed up for his meeting with me today.”

AJ let out a low whistle, “He never showed up?” Stacie nodded and AJ could see concern in her eyes, maybe even worry, “Are you sure you had a clear definition of where you were meeting?” Again, Stacie nodded and she saw AJ gulp, sorry for getting him in the middle of things. She was probably causing him to worry and panic too now, “That isn’t like D...” AJ muttered.

“I know. He’s been acting really weird lately,” Stacie mentioned, “I’m afraid that he’s done something to hurt himself. Has anything happened recently that might have stressed him out or caused him to have a breakdown?”

“No,” AJ replied quickly, “He’s been fine. He’s been happier and getting along really well with the schedule. He hasn’t complained once. I assumed everything was great...” his voice trailed off and he winced at images of finding Howie potentially bleeding to death many months before swam around in his mind. The scarring images were something that AJ still hadn’t gotten rid of. He didn’t think he ever would. What if Howie was somewhere purposely hurting himself again, alone, where nobody could find him? This caused AJ’s heart to swell in his chest, “Do you think he’s okay?”

Stacie shrugged, “I honestly don’t know. I was hoping that you would know something. That maybe Howie would have told you something.”

AJ shook his head, as Howie hadn’t told him anything. He hadn’t told anybody anything in fact. Ever since the incident, Howie hadn’t really opened up and talked to anyone. He kept everything inside. This caused AJ to worry a little bit more. Come to think of it, since Stacie had brought it to his attention, Howie had been a little more withdrawn in the most recent weeks. He sighed, feeling absolutely horrible. They’d all ignored the signs before and Howie had almost died as a result of it. Here they were, looking past minor signs again.

“Did anything happen at your last session?” AJ asked Stacie, choosing his words carefully so he wouldn’t offend the woman.

“No...he seemed like he was hiding something, but other than that...and then the next day he kissed me out of nowhere, but he ran off quickly. I haven’t seen him since...” her voice trailed off as suddenly a thought dawned on her, “You don’t think he...he likes me, do you?” she asked lamely. She’d always been bad at picking up on signs or hints from the opposite sex because she had taken her schooling and career so seriously, not really wanting to make time for a relationship. Getting her bachelors degree had always come first to her. Now, she may have looked right past the most obvious thing ever.

“Oh wow....that could be it...” AJ replied, “Now that I think about it. Why else would he kiss you and then run and avoid you?”

“And he’s been stuttering and avoiding looking at me for weeks now.” Stacie added. She covered her mouth in shock, “Oh God, what am I going to do? I don’t want to hurt him because he’s an amazing man.”

AJ sighed, biting his lip. Stacie rejecting Howie might not exactly have the best effect on him. As it was, the man had hardly shown himself at all outside of dance rehearsals. He wondered if there was any chance that Stacie liked Howie back in that way, getting up the nerve to ask her out loud as he hoped that he wasn’t making an idiot of himself.

“Honestly,” Stacie took in a deep breath, “He’s very attractive. He’s an amazing person and has so much potential in so many different ways. We have a lot in common and is easy to talk to, so yes, I do like him. He’s a great guy, someone any woman would be lucky to get a chance at dating.”

“That’s great...” AJ began, but was cut off by Stacie holding up her hand to stop him, her eyes troubled

“But, I am his counselor. It would be morally wrong for me to see one of my clients. It’s a tough position for me.”

AJ sighed. He had to see that coming. Her liking Howie and them dating and having a happily ever after relationship would have been way too easy. Howie deserved something easy though. He deserved to be happy and be in a good relationship. Especially since it was obvious that he’d fallen head over heels for this woman, whom AJ did admit was stunning. It wasn’t every day that Howie got tongue tied around a woman, so this was huge.

“Maybe you could find him a new therapist...so you could date?” AJ suggested, wanting his friend to be okay and not see the hurt in his eyes because he liked someone that he couldn’t do a thing about.

“I don’t know...” Stacie’s voice trailed off.

“Stace, think about it this way...” Aj began, “Would you rather have something with an incredible man whom you know would give you the world and make him just as happy just by giving him a chance or would you rather devastate him and send him back in to a complete depression, making him think that he is not worthy of being cared for? He’s still going through a tough time. His self esteem is low. Just think about it.”

Stacie stopped to think, as AJ had proved a good point. She wanted what was best for Howie and she really did like him. Quite a lot actually. So many things told her that going out with Howie would be wrong. There were so many things that went against a relationship between them, including her job being on the line. Despite all of that though, Stacie made a final decision, opening her mouth to speak.

“Do you think you could help me with the hook up?” she asked.

AJ smiled, “Of course. You won’t regret this. In fact, you’ll probably make Howie the happiest man alive.”

Stacie smiled, already wondering if she was making a mistake. It was too late to turn back time though and besides, she honestly thought that they could have a great relationship. She was just nervous, hoping that she lived up to what Howie thought that she was.

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“Can you believe this,” Brian exclaimed, looking around as he and the Boys walked past a music store, “I mean all of this.”

He was looking at a large promotional poster hanging in the window telling that their album would be out in exactly one week. There was a countdown timer in the window counting down the days. Brian was wondering how many had pre-ordered the album, figuring it was probably quite a handful. It was just incredible to him that after two years, it seemed that they still had it going on for them. It was just what they’d hoped for and hoped that things would continue to be this way.

“It certainly gives me confidence that this comeback will be pretty big,” AJ admitted, “It erases a lot of the doubt that I had in my mind. That’s for sure.”

“And Incomplete is getting really great rankings on all of the radio countdowns and everything all over the world.” Nick interjected, “I really think that it will be like no time has passed at all...even though it has.”

Nobody spoke as they continued to walk down the sidewalk, all in some sort of disguise. It was noticed that Kevin hadn’t really said anything on the matter, which was odd. In fact, Kevin had been fairly silent for the past week or so, acting slightly off and just dazed. This struck all of them as odd, especially Brian, whom had known Kevin for years upon years before the others. He decided that once alone, he would ask Kevin what was bothering him, just to make sure that everything was okay.

Then there was Howie, whom AJ had his eye on. He still had to ask him about Stacie and try to convince him to ask the woman out. Stacie had already agreed, therefore, the rest was left up to Howie. Knowing the self-conscious, down Latino would need a lot of convincing, AJ decided that he would try to pep-talk him and boost his sureness in himself, feeling that if the man had a girlfriend, it just might help him heal a little bit faster.

For once, Nick wasn’t the one whom was being worried over. Normally, if there was a problem with one in the group, it was either Nick or AJ, both for complete opposite reasons. It was definitely a change for it to be Howie and Kevin, the two oldest and normally most looked up to. It was different, and would be taken on with different precautions, however it didn’t change that they all wanted to help.

“I’m going to go to the video game store,” Nick announced, catching sight of a large game shop a few stores down, “Anybody with me?” Nobody volunteered themselves and Nick just shrugged, “Alright...so I guess I’ll meet ya’ll around here sometime?”

“Sounds good, Nick.” Brian grinned, “Just don’t blow all of your money in there...you don’t even use half of the games you’ve got...and half of them aren’t even opened.”

Nick rolled his eyes, entering the store. A minute later, Howie headed off in to the Gap and AJ found it the perfect opportunity to follow even though he preferred less preppy stores. Leaving Kevin and Brian alone, Brian took this as a great time to confront Kevin on his own odd behavior, beings bringing it up around everybody was out of the question. Knowing Kevin, he wouldn’t want to be questioned about his personal dilemas around a huge group. Especially since he was trying to hide it all together.

“So, um, what do you think about all of this being promoted?” Brian asked, trying to make small talk before cutting to the chase.

Kevin shrugged, “I don’t know...it’s pretty awesome. I’m glad that everything is working out.” he said this flatly without much enthusiasm, which struck his cousin as odd.

“You don’t seem to mean that.” Brian observed, letting his sentence trail off for Kevin to fill in the blanks.

“I do,” Kevin piped up, “It’s great. I can’t wait to get out on stage again.”

Brian sighed, wondering what was up with Kevin more than ever. He wasn’t embellishing on anything, which he’d never been one to do. But his lack of words and seeming distant was even out of the norm for Kevin, especially since the man always had some sort of say in absolutely everything. Deciding not to waste any more time, Brian spoke, realizing that small talk wasn’t going to do any good.

“Kev, what’s wrong?”

‘What are you talking about?”

“You’ve been depressed all week. I mean, you’re always somewhat serious, but never this somber and acting like you just don’t care.”

Kevin didn’t say anything, but Brian could see his body tense up somewhat. This proved his suspicion true that something had happened awhile ago that had upset his cousin significantly. The question was now, what was it? It normally took a lot to get Kevin worked up. That meant that this was somewhat serious. Brian took a few seconds before trying again, trying to keep his tone calm and concerned rather than somewhat frustrated.

“Kevin, what happened. Is everything okay?”

Again, Kevin didn’t speak, but tears glittered his eyes at the memory of everything coming back fresh. Why did his ex have to cheat on him and then have a child. She’d always refused to get pregnant in all the years that they were together saying that I wasn’t the right time. Then to go out and get knocked up by somebody she’d only been seeing for a couple of insignificant years. It hadn’t made sense and his heart was still broken over it. He’d honestly thought that he was doing okay and over everything after those two years, but her calling with her confessions and demands had only hurt him worse than the original divorce in the first place. He sighed though, not knowing if he should let anybody know what had happened.

“It’s nothing,” he finally mumbled, “It’s probably stupid anyways.”

“Kev, if you’re this upset and crying, then it is not stupid. It wouldn’t be anyways,” Brian paused, “What happened?”

There were another few minutes of silence. Another collection of memories filled Kevin’s head, only this time, they were of the happy memories of the failed relationship and how in love they had been,. Things had definitely taken a wrong turn somewhere. Kevin didn’t think that they would ever break up. Now, he was torturing himself with questions in his mind that he knew would never be answered.

“Kristin called me,” Kevin finally murmured, and Brian’s features darkened significantly at the news which Kevin held. He pretty much loathed the woman who’d caused his cousin so much hurt, and that said a lot for Brian wasn’t one to dislike so intensely.

“What did she want?” Brian asked in monotone, his eyes narrowing.

“She um...she has a kid. Just over a year old,” Kevin confessed, surprised and how he felt better just by confessing this, “She needs child support money this month...I thought she was calling wanting to try again, but she just needs money since she’s been out of a job since her fucking third month of pregnancy and her new husband has just had extras positions in a few movies and they are low on money.”

Brian’s eyes widened at what Kevin was saying, not even able to believe that an already evil woman was capable of causing even more satanic chaos. He hated her more than ever now for putting Kevin in this position, as Kevin was still vulnerable when it came to the ex. Brian had a feeling that there was more, and he was almost afraid to hear it

“You aren’t going to send her the money, are you?”

Kevin hesitated a little too long for Brian’s comfort, “I already did...a few days ago,” Kevin sighed, hating the look that Brian was giving him, “I didn’t really have a choice!” Kevin exclaimed, finding the need to defend himself, “She told me she would blackmail me, saying she’d take me to court to say I haven’t been paying child support for my child.”

“That is what paternity tests are for.”

Kevin shrugged, embarrassed to admit he hadn’t even thought of that due to him being so messed up in the head over the woman. There were a lot of things he would change about the past if given the opportunity. Opening up though took a weight off of his chest and told him that once and for all, it was time for him to start moving on before he drove himself insane. Hopefully, he could start that day and stop moping around. They had a lot to get done in the next week before the album was released and he needed a clear mind and positive attitude so that he didn’t hold the others back.

~*~

Meanwhile, AJ followed Howie around the Gap, completely bored with the clothes there as Howie took a few items to try on. He attempted to go off on his own, but felt like a moron looking at the preppy styled clothing when he himself dressed in a more daring, rebellious fashion. He definitely preferred Hot Topic any day over this.

“You look bored.” Howie observed, not even looking at AJ as he said it.

AJ shrugged, looking Howie over. He could see a darkness in his facial expression and his tone was blank and lifeless. AJ eyed his friend cautiously, wondering if his somber attitude really was just over Stacie or if there was more hidden under the deeper layers within him. Howie looked worn out and thinner to him. Not much, but his appearance wasn’t as well kept as it once had been. His hair was slightly disheveled and his face was full of stubble making him look unshaved and unkept. AJ suddenly started to worry a little, wondering if he’d guessed Howie’s strange behavior all along.

“I’m okay,” AJ replied after Howie glanced over at him for a second. He stuck his hands in his pockets, shuffling around slightly uncomfortable. He wasn’t sure how he was going to bring up the subject of Stacie, but knew he needed to figure out a way, starting with, “So um, how are your sessions going?”

“Alright.”

AJ sighed at Howie’s one word reply, getting nothing more. His friend continued to sort through racks of jeans, and Aj had a feeling then that this was going to be a little more difficult than he’d thought. It seemed Howie really didn’t want to talk. In fact, come to think of it, he never did anymore.

“Do you think they’re helping?”

Howie just shrugged, “I suppose.”

Trying as hard as he could not to lose his patients, AJ took in a deep breath to cleanse his nerves. He didn’t want to pry in to Howie’s life, but knew that if Howie were going to gain some sort of confidence in himself, that he’d have to do just that as discretely as he could.

‘That therapist is pretty cute,” AJ hinted, trying to get a reaction out of Howie. It worked, because Howie’s cheeks turned a slight shade of pink and he ducked away to hide it, acting as if he didn’t care or was uninterested. AJ knew better than that though. He had, after all, been best friends with Howie for twelve years, “She’s interested in you, ya know.”

This caused Howie to turn around, his eyes showing just the slightest glimmer of life and sparkle at the mention of that, “She is?” he asked hopefully, then eyed AJ suspiciously, “How do you know?”

“She told me so, but doesn’t know if you’re interested.” Howie didn’t respond, but AJ could see a small smile forming in the corners of Howie’s lips, whatever he was thinking making him happy, “You should ask her out.”

I don’t know...” Howie replied, unsure of why he was so shy about this. After all, why would Stacie be interested in somebody with problems like his. Someone whom he’d spilled everything out to. She knew him and his most inner thoughts. He was normally flirtatious with women, but Stacie...she took his breath away in ways that had never happened before. She made him nervous and made him feel different. She was different. Stacie was special.

“You’re obviously in to her and she is in to you...so why not?” AJ hinted, “You’d be a great couple...I can see it.”

Howie saw in his mind the kind of relationship that he could have with her. He could see them cuddling up at night together to watch a movie. He could vision them holding hands and having her there smiling to greet him after a show. It all looked so natural in his mind. It was something he wanted more than anything. Another smile formed on his lips, picturing how perfect it all could be.

“I’ll think about it...”

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He sighed as he fell to the floor in exhaustion. He’d just completed another dance practice on his own. One song and he was completely winded and out of breath. He didn’t like what was happening to him. He didn’t like how weak and tired he always was, but there were only two and a half months left. Roughly seventy-five days to finish his goal. If he didn’t do it, he didn’t know what he would do. It really wasn’t a matter of if any longer but rather when. His when was getting shorter and shorter, meaning he’d have to work harder. June 12th, 2006. That was when the new tour would take off. He had until June 12th.

If his energy level faltering wasn’t enough, he couldn’t concentrate like he used to either. He found his mind wandering often or he’d be lost in a sea of not having any thoughts at all. His mind would be blank as he’d space in to a world of nothingness. During meetings, he hardly said anything due to him missing most everything that was said. Out of meetings, he concentrated on others problems to forget about his own. Even then, he found that he couldn’t concentrate for more than a few mere minutes on any particular subject.

Reaching over beside him, he weakly took a water bottle, unscrewing the cap and taking a large drink of the liquid before pouring some over his hot, over heated, exhausted body. He felt his muscles scream out, his joints aching in protest for a break. He couldn’t give that though. He just couldn’t. He was just now starting to see very minor results in his appearance. It was nothing drastic, nothing worth bragging over, but it was showing finally. He’d lost twenty-three pounds so far. He’d thought that twenty-three pounds would show a lot more than it was, but he’d been wrong, making his goal even more strastic.

Dangerous even.

What he was doing was wrong and dangerous. He couldn’t see that though. He found it healthy and although he had a pounding headache, his stomach hurt in intense pain and his body felt as if it were going to just buckle out from under him, he knew that in a few months, it would be over. He would have his confidence back. If only it were so easy...

“Break’s over.” he sighed, standing up.

His body wavered slightly and he had to press his hand against a wall to keep him up. He forced himself to catch his balance, waiting a few seconds before stretching out again and trying the strenuous dance moves that took more energy than he was forcing himself in to believing that he had.

Chapter Nine

Howie looked at Stacie from across the room, swallowing. She was glowing, her creamy complexion flawless. She was absolutely gorgeous. So as the rest of the group spoke, Howie sat and stared, wondering if it was true what AJ had said. Was it actually possible that this perfect woman sitting before him was interested in him? It was safe to say that Howie was unsure of what to think of this situation. Was AJ just telling him that to humor him, trying to get a good laugh at his friends expense when he made an idiot of himself? Or was it true? Truly at loss over what to do, Howie just glanced at the angel before him occasionally,

The way he saw it, Howie knew he had two options. He could take the first, and ask Stacie out, risking everything...putting his heart, soul and ego on the line. If she said yes to his proposal, it would potentially make him the happiest man ever. He already knew that they would have a great connection if given the chance. A real chance. A fair chance. After all, wasn’t that all anybody deserved. She could turn him down though, ripping out his heart and stomping all over it, shattering him in to a million pieces. In result, he’s become depressed and feel worthless...unworthy of anybodies love and affection. It could destroy his soul, sending him in to a shell that he may never want to come out of again for fear of the rejection. It was a gamble if he chose to ask her out, letting fate take its corse.

He also had the option though of taking the safer route, not asking her for a date. That way, there was no way he could be humiliated. There was no way he could be hurt. The only problem with that was, he would always wonder what would have been. He would always look at her and wonder what it would be like to hug her, kiss her, hold her, wondering if he would have ever had a shot at having Stacie, this amazing, perfect woman. His heart would continue to hammer in his chest every time she was near or her name was mentioned. The smell of her light perfume would make his skin tingle, wanting to nuzzle her neck, taking in deep, heavenly whiffs of her skin, her hair. At not asking, he was risking not having something special with Stacie that had been meant to be all along, but could also be sparing himself something much worse than the rejection he was conjuring up in his head.

Either way, he was screwed.

Either way could turn into a losing situation. In the minuscule chance that he had of Stacie actually accepting, he would be ecstatic. His life would be pure bliss. But what were the chances? He honestly didn’t think that his were that great. He was after all known as Howie Dorough, man who’d lost his mind. Wasn’t that all everybody saw him as, walking on pins and needles around him. Was that all anybody would ever see him to be?

“Howie, meeting is over...you coming?”

Howie distracted himself from his thoughts, looking up to see Kevin standing above him, his eyes patient. The others had sense left, other than Stacie. She was at the end of the table, writing things down in a notebook. He gulped, looking back up at Kevin. Did Kevin think he was psychotic? Especially for blanking out in a meeting about what would be happening in a few days. At least Kevin wasn’t scolding him. For once, he wasn’t being yelled at for his blanking or not paying attention.

“Um, yes...just give me a minute.”

Kevin nodded, patting Howie on the back before leaving the room. After that, everything was left in silence. Silence that was driving him insane. He swallowed hard, his forehead breaking out in to a cool sweat. His hands were clammy as he tried to regulate his breathing, which was out of rhythm. By how nervous he was, Howie knew he’d made up his mind with what he was going to do.

Standing up, he took in a deep breath, willing himself to move. He slowly walked up to Stacie, approaching her with caution. He just stood above her for a moment, trying to find his voice to speak. Once he did, he winced at how shaky it was.

“Hi Stacie.”

Stacie looked up at him and smiled brightly. The beautiful, breath-taking smile that Howie had noticed right off. He could live every day of his life seeing her like that and it would never get old. Not for a moment.

“Howie, hi.” she replied, closing the notebook. She smoothed out the cover, placing her hands gingerly on top, “How are you? Is everything alright?”

Howie swallowed the dryness in his throat away as he nodded, “Yes, everything is good,” he stated, “I um...I’m good.”

‘I’m glad to hear that.” Staice nodded in approval, wondering what had brought this on. He’d skipped his second session with her and it was his first time talking to her since the kissing incident.

“Yeah,” Howie took in a deep breath, shifting from foot to foot. He decided he might as well get it over with and ask her, “I was um...I was wondering if you would like to ah...maybe go out sometime.”

At that moment, the world stopped as Howie waited for Stacie’s answer. Her smile fell slightly and she paused. Paused too long for Howie’s liking. He winced, already feeling his heart burst in to flames of hurt and rejection. He could feel himself start to close up, wishing he’d just kept his feelings inward. Now they were out in the open, on the table, and he had made an ass of himself. Could he not do anything right. Even as he thought this though, he couldn’t force himself to move. He just stood there in shock at what he’d done, wishing that he hadn’t. And then she began to speak.

“Technically, because of my position, I shouldn’t...”

“I understand,” Howie was quick to interject so that he didn’t have to hear the words that would pierce bigger daggers in to his heart, producing deeper wounds, “I was foolish to ask. I’m sorry. I feel stupid. I lost my mind...forget I said anything I...”

“But I do like you, and I’m sure something can be worked out so that we can go out and possibly date.”

“I’m a freak...I’m a loser...I just hope that...” Howie stopped then, realizing what Stacie had said. He shook his head, looking at her, his head tilted to one side in bewilderment. Had he heard her correctly, “What did you say?”

Stacie laughed softly, “I said I’d love to go on a date with you.”

It took a minute for Howie to process this, but once he did, he broke out in to a huge grin. The small percent chance he’d thought that he had turned out to be a good chance for him.

“Wow....great.” Howie flustered, “I...thank you.” He bent down and hugged Stacie whom was sitting in her seat. All he had to do was figure out the perfect first date for her so that she’d want to come back for more. For once, something in his life was going right. He just hoped that here on out, things would continue to go upward for him.

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“Would you look at that line?” Howie whistled, shaking his head as he and the other Boys entered the room and took seats at a table in the middle of the lobby at the Virgin MegaStore in New York City.

The large glass doors were still closed off and locked for the set up, but at any moment, they would be opened, the line of girls swarming inside to meet their idols for the album signing. As it was, they were growing apprehensive with excitement, a few up front pressing against the glass. Nick had glanced outside of a side window minutes prior and the line had been going until one could see no more and beyond. But that was to be expected, for it was the day that the new album was being released. Their fears were being subsided about how successful the whole thing would be. It was easy to see that not much had changed.

“Hey, Nick...try to refrain from putting women’s undergarments on your head this time, okay?” AJ smirked, nudging Nick as the doors were opened by half a dozen security guards, filing the girls into the store in an orderly fashion.

“Very funny,” Nick shook his head, smiling at the first girl to walk up to them, “How are you today?”

“Good,” she replied shyly, “Could you please sign this for me?” she handed Nick an album, one of their older ones.

Nick nodded as he took it from her hands, scribbling his signature across the top, passing it down the line, taking on the next girl. Almost all of them, he noticed, picked up a copy of the new album at the end of the line. It made him wonder how things were going everywhere else around the world, for they were only going to be in NYC for the promotional signing. That alone was probably drawing in a larger crowd, possibly.

“I’m so glad to meet you,” a girl in her late teens gushed, breaking Nick from his thoughts, “I’m your biggest fan.”

Nick chuckled. He had heard that a million times before, “Is that so?” the girl nodded her head vigorously, “Well thank you. Are you going to catch us on tour?”

“Of course!” she breathed, “I’ve waited like, two years for this. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

Nick laughed, “We’ll, thanks for coming out. See you on tour.”

The girl just smiled widely as she moved on down the line. Nick shook his head, remembering the last time they’d done a signing. It was back before Howie had been figured out. He had gotten his pictures in the tabloids for sticking a bra on his head, being accused of cross dressing. Absurd, he knew, but looking back on it, he had kind of asked for it. He could see it as if it were just yesterday, yet it seemed so far away at the same time. Boy, how much things had changed. It seemed like the group had grown closer, but sometimes he sensed a little more tension. Nick wondered if the others felt it too, or if it were just him.

He looked down the line at Howie, whom was smiling and laughing with a fan in front of him. His friend seemed a lot happier and more upbeat within the most recent days. That was something he was sure that everybody had noticed, for it was hard not to notice the drastic change. It was like a breath of fresh air, knowing that their recently depressed friend was happy and upbeat. His positivity about life wasn’t being forced or faked. It was coming from his heart, and it made Nick wonder what had caused it to happen. Not that it was a bad thing. His worries were finally subsiding.

He watched the others, each smiling and having a good time with the fans, occasionally exchanging a few words with each other. Nick smiled, happy that it seemed just as it had so many years ago. They kept their bond close, keeping it growing stronger and stronger with each day that passed. They were best friends, brothers for life. They had their arguments, but nothing that would tear them apart for good. Nothing would. That much was safe to say.

The line continued, each girl just as excited as the next. He as well as the four, took on each one with enthusiasm and happiness, grateful for those whom were still there and supporting them. This was just one more step in the process that they were taking in getting ready for the launch of the tour. That day was getting closer and closer. It appeared that they were all ready, but were they?

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He looked down at a plate full of food, his stomach growling once more. With a grim expression on his face, he picked up a fork, poking at the potato, even taking a small bit on the fork, before setting it back down. He refused to eat. He had to stop eating again completely. Bulimia wasn’t working for him. Not quick enough, plus the acid from the vomiting was starting to ruin his voice. It was becoming scratchy and raw feeling all the time. He just couldn’t have that happening. His voice was all that he felt he even had left. His looks were faltering and he felt as if he had lost control of everything else, therefore, performing and his voice were all that he had. They were all he had to keep him going. Even his dancing was becoming lazy in the movements. He didn’t know what was happening, but he knew that he had to fight against it. Fight with everything in him.

Picking up the plate, he went over to the sink of his hotel suite, scraping it down in to the garbage disposal. If it wasn’t in his line of vision, then he couldn’t lose his willpower and cheat. The scents of the meal would waver around the room, the aroma filtering his nostrils, sending pangs of hunger through his stomach. It wouldn’t be there to eat though. That’s all that mattered. Anorexia had worked better for him anyways, and since the tour was nearing, he knew that he could just blame loss of appetite on nerves in the event that he was with the others. Most of the time though, he wouldn’t be. He’d be able to sneak out on his own and do things his way. His secret way.

Sighing, he wondered what was going to come of this tour. He wondered if he were going to be looked past because of the beat he’d become. With that thought in mind, he ventured in to the small gym in his suite, stepping on to a treadmill. He turned it on, raising the speed so that he’d be running at ten miles per hour, his legs picking up pace with each press of a button. He then inclined it so that the strain was slightly more intensified.

After five minutes, he was already breathing hard, knowing that his being worn out already definitely wasn’t a good sign. He forced himself to keep going though, his head starting to grow heavy with dizziness. Sweat poured from his entire body, but he didn’t care. He couldn’t be weak. He just ran and ran and ran for ten long, excruciating miles. With every tick of the timer, he thought of all the good he was doing his body, burning off fat and calories that were much needed to be shed.

It took him just about an hour to run the ten miles and once he did, he immediately shut off the treadmill without cooling down. His breathing was heavy as he stepped on to the side rails, his hands clutching the safety bars. He lowered his head, gulping in air as he tried to breath, finding it difficult. His chest felt as if it were closing in on him, aching with an intense pain he’d never felt before, aches shooting up and down his sides. His body felt stiff, and as he looked up, stepping off of the treadmill, he stumbled, falling to the ground even, the fall completely out of his control.

Unable to get up, he just panted for air, tears of frustration forming in his eyes as he let out a pitiful sob in the loneliness of his suite. His life had become one huge joke, and now he was paying for it. He was seeing that unless he did something drastic, his goal would not be reached by the start of the tour in just a short amount of time. Tears continued to fall from his eyes as he clutched his side in agony, wishing that it would just go away. He’d do anything to make it go away. Anything at all..

Chapter Ten

“I swear, things couldn’t be better,” Brian smiled as he shot a basketball in to the hoop, it swooshing through the net with ease, “Beat that, Carter!” he exclaimed, retrieving the ball and passing it off to Nick.

“No, they couldn’t. One week left, we have some promotional TV shows to appear on, and then we’re off to see the world...again.” Nick grinned, shooting the ball towards the basket. It hit the backboard, bouncing off on to the ground, ‘Aw man, I was jipped!”

“How can you be jipped when you ain’t got the skill?” Brian teased.

Nick scowled, going over to the sidelines and sitting on a pair of bleachers next to Kevin, AJ and Howie. He wiped some sweat off of his forehead, letting out a huff of air. He was tired from the game, no doubt about it. Brian was always tough competition. It was always more fun playing against Kevin or Howie...AJ even. They were always easy targets, because they made him look like a pro. He grinned evilly at the thought, wiping it off of his face immediately when Kevin gave him ‘the look’. That’s when he noticed it, causing a small giggle to escape from his lips.

‘Think we should pour the pitcher of ice water on Howie?”

This caused the others to focus their attention on their Latin friend, whom was staring off in to space, a goofy grin on his face. Kevin raised an eyebrow while AJ snickered, shaking his head. It was obvious that he was love-struck. Leave it to Howie to fall this hard. The man was oblivious to all around him. That much was clear. A tornado could have ripped by right before his eyes, and he wouldn’t have noticed a thing.

“Reflex test!” Brian shouted, throwing the ball at Howie. It hit him in the shoulder lightly, bouncing off of him. All Howie did was look up, dazed and confused.

“Huh?”

“Man, what is with you.” Nick cracked, “You’re like, going all retarded on us or something. Did you sniff too much of your hair chemicals this morning?”

Howie barely responded, just shrugging, the smile coming back.

“He’s acting like a girl or something.” AJ commented, “If I ever do that, please kill me.” he teased.

“At least he is happy again.” Kevin defended the slightly younger man, “He’s been like this for a couple of weeks now and I honestly can say that I am not worrying about him at all. It’s a relief.”

The others took this in to consideration. It was true. Howie being happy again took a lot of stress and worrying out of all of their lives. They owed it all to Stacie. Howie hadn’t really come right out and said anything about it, however AJ had clued them in. Especially when questions were asked on why Stacie had resigned herself as his therapist, but was still hanging around. At first, they hadn’t known what to think of the situation. They’d soon come to realize that Stacie being in Howie’s life in a romantic way was a good thing, and they were grateful for her.

‘Anyways, since Latin Loverboy over there obviously isn’t going to come back to earth any time soon...” Brian laughed, “What does everyone think about next week? Are we all ready, or do we need to practice extra?”

“I vouch for practicing extra,” Kevin was quick to cut in, “We can never be too ready. It will be on our own time, however as I said...we can knead through a few small glitches and come out stronger.”

“I’ll agree there, I suppose,” AJ spoke up, “I think we near have it all nailed, but a little bit extra couldn’t hurt...” he put emphasis on the world ‘little’

“We’ve got our set all up...song order, dances down, outfits picked out...” Kevin stated, “I think we’re just about ready. Management had done wonders in promoting us back up. The rest is left up to fate, I suppose.”

The others nodded, hearts beating in anticipated excitement at the thought of it all. Their success was indeed in the hands of fate. That much was clear. They hoped that fate was kind to them, but whatever was delivered, they would accept. In nine days, they’d be on the road again. All seemed to be ready, but not everything was what it seemed. They’d already learned that once, but were oblivious to the fact that it very well could be happening again.

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June 12th, 2006

Well, we have four days before the tour takes off. I couldn’t be more excited. I honestly can say that I cannot wait to get back out there and perform in front of all of those fans. Weeks ago, had I been asked if I was looking forward to this, I would have said with honesty that I wasn’t sure. I was still having my doubts and was confused about a lot of things. All that has changed though. All of it has changed because of Stacie...

Stacie has helped me see the good in everything. She’s helped me along the way in my mental recovering and is now helping me by showing me an affection that I’d only dreamed of feeling again. God, how great it is. Our relationship is strong and healthy. She is incredible. Things keep getting better and better. I never thought having a special someone to share your life with could make such a difference, but it has. More than anybody will ever know. And since we’ve been dating, I haven’t had the urge to cut but only once...which was in the first few days. I mean, sure, I think about my past with it, but I never wish I could do it or want to do it again. I just shake my head, wondering what I had been thinking. The answer is right there in front of me though, crystal clear...I hadn’t been thinking. It is simple as that.

I’ve got a new counselor now. Stacie thinks it would be for the best since we are dating now and ‘morally correct’ so to say. I guess I agree with her there. The new person is a man in his thirties. He’s nice, and I guess easy to talk to. Stacie was special though. She was easy to talk to only until I let my feelings get ahead of myself...and look where it got me? *laughs* Right where I wanted to be all along.

I think that the guys notice the significant change in me too. I mean, they’ve quit harassing me over how I am doing and feeling and what is going on with me, etc, etc. They can see it in my change of attitude, feeling no need to ask questions. Thank God for that. I mean, I knew that they cared all along, but it was something I had to recover from on my own. Their constant hoovering over me was only making things worse. Now though...I honestly don’t think I’ve been this happy since BSB was signed on as a group to a label, so many years ago.

I know that all things happen for a reason...I just wonder what my past with cutting was. Maybe it was to lead me to Stacie...or possibly another path to cross, making my bond stronger with the Boys in the end. I guess I’ll never know for sure. All that matters is that I am here, and everybody is healthy and good. Which leads me back to the tour taking off. It will be a new adventure for all of us. There’s a lot of hype about us being back. Some of it is amazing, some of it negative. People who were once die-hard fans are now bashing us, saying that we are ‘so yesterday’. That can’t bring us down though, because the ones that stuck by...that is who we are doing this for. For ourselves, the true fans, and nobody else. All I can say is that it is going to be great!
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The tour was taking off that next day and he couldn’t be more nervous. He was jittery, heart pounding in his chest, breaking out in to a cold sweat nervous. And he was itching to exercise. They’d been advised to take the night off from working out and practicing dancing so that they were fresh for the next day and well rested. Man, how he wanted to go against that. He couldn’t though. Not with the others right there in his suite. What they were doing there, he didn’t know exactly. Maybe just to hang out and relax before the big day?

He sighed, eyeing them, trying to at least look like he was paying attention to what was happening. He wasn’t though. His mind was wondering in to his own world. His own world on how he was ten pounds short of his goal. On how he would do anything to run another twelve miles on the treadmill, but couldn’t. He knew that certain group members would get on him for disobeying orders, forcing him to just sit still and chill out. Oh, that, and the fact that if he ran until his body couldn’t take any more, they would become suspicious of him being an exercise addict. It was partly true, he would admit. But all of the strenuous work was for a good cause. Something that would benefit the group. Something that would make the entire group image look better.

He caught a glimpse of himself in one of the full length mirrors across the wall. Shuddering in disgust, he turned away. He really didn’t look that different than from many months ago. If the scale said that he was losing, then where was the weight going. He wished that he knew, but it certainly wasn’t disappearing off of him.

He laughed when he heard the others doing the same at a joke one had told, acting like he was paying attention. The laugh was forced though and only half-hearted. He really couldn’t have cared less what they were talking about. He wished that they would leave the room. He could predict exactly what would happen though. They would talk and talk and talk, then want to turn on a movie. Half of them would fall asleep right there on the couch, on the floor...wherever they decided to fall asleep at. Then one would go back to his own suite, deciding that the night would officially be over. The remaining one would sit up awhile longer, watching TV, wanting to carry on conversation with him until earlier hours of the morning. He would do so, just so he would be acting like he always had. This time though, he would be silently willing the last man away, wanting to drag the two sleeping out of his room, booting them to the hallway.

Years ago, he wouldn’t have minded all of that. It was routine. He would have expected it and found it odd of things hadn’t gone in such a way. The night would have been fun and entertaining, all of them staying up and enjoying their last night off of the stage, forcing themselves to stay awake way past what they should have. Touring would start, and each night would be exciting and fun, but the night off would bring them relief and relaxation, the only worries on their mind being how things would go.

It seemed so long ago since he’d actually cared. Now, he could honestly say that he just didn’t He would go along with the movements, but nothing he would actually remember within a few hours. All would be forgotten, all because he hadn’t cared enough to pay attention in the first place. All he cared about was the group and becoming thin again...and it scared him to admit to himself that now, he was questioning his motives about the group. Maybe he just wasn’t meant to stay a performer. Maybe his gross appearance was a sign that he was supposed to do something else now for the remainder of his life.

He looked around the room and saw one curled up on the floor, pillow under his head. His eyes were closed. Asleep. Just as he had predicted. He rolled his eyes. His hope that everyone would just go to their own suite for once that night had already been shot at the early hour of midnight. Now he couldn’t run and burn off more of his ‘fat’. Now, he’d have to sleep, feeling nothing but a heavy stomach, that would all be in his mind. God, how he hated himself, just wishing he could turn back time and prevent all of this before it even started. He couldn’t though, and he was stuck living in the flesh of the monster he’d become.

Chapter Eleven

“Well, here we are...” Howie’s voice came, his tone trailing off slightly, “First night of the tour.”

He proceeded to put on his first outfit of the night alongside the others. It was safe to say that they were all nervous. Nervous of how things would go, nervous about what would happen. They were nervous for Howie’s sake, wondering if the man was ready for this. But then there came excitement as well. Excitement that they were going back on the road again to do what they loved and missed. Excitement for the new adventures that they’d come across along the way. They were excited to be together, the ultimate thrill of seeing the looks on the fans faces in the audience, knowing that they put them there.

“I never thought that tonight would come,” Brian admitted, “It seems like it took forever to get us here.”

The others nodded in total agreement. It wasn’t a bad thing that it had taken a little longer than normal to get them to where they were. They all had the chance to relax and take off some time needed. What mattered in the end though was that they were there now. They’d come together again, taking off on another world tour. The feeling sent chills of exhilaration through all of them. This was the all time high.

“I remember the last time we did this...” Nick commented, “Only it was the last show of the tour. Somebody threw up a stuffed animal and Brian didn’t see it until he stumbled,” he grinned, “He almost fell off of the stage.”

Everybody grew silent as they recalled this, smiles forming on their faces at the humorous incident. But then they fell in to a somber mood as they recalled what had happened later on that night, after the celebration of the tour ending well. Something unexpected. Something on a much darker note. It was definitely safe to say that the cutting incident was in the top five Backstreet low moments. They’d had their highs and lows. Luckily, most of the memories had been highs.

“Tonight will be a preview of it all,” Kevin stated, “Hopefully it will be a good preview...” his voice trailed off as he winced at pictures of the worst possible things happening.

All five grew silent as they heard screams and chants coming from the front of the stage. Each smiled, the sound like music to their own ears. A music which they’d never thought they would hear again. Thankfully, they had been wrong. The countdown was on, five minutes until show time. After that, the waiting and wondering how fate would take its course would be unveiled once and for all.

“Everybody awake and ready?” Brian asked, and he got four nods in response, each sincere and honest, “I think we’ve all prepared ourselves enough.”

“That’s for sure,” AJ agreed, “We were all a bit out of shape since the break but damn, that ain’t no problem now.”

There were a few chuckles which circulated around the group, but one in particular wasn’t laughing. In fact, he hid his flushing face, feeling as if in some sort of subconscious form, the comment had been directed at him. As ridiculous as that was, it was how he felt. He look of humiliation passed though before he was noticed and questioned upon.

“It sure is loud out there,” Nick commented to change the subject, “I wonder if we could have sold out the kinds of arenas we were doing years ago..” he let his sentence trail as he pondered the possibilities.

Nobody had the chance to reply because one of the tech guys came and informed them that the show was starting. Sure enough, the intro music was starting, the stadium lights dimmed completely. A frenzy of sorts filled the air as the excitement became real. This was it. The moment they’d all been waiting for.

“I guess that’s our cue,” Brian drawled, “Let’s say a quick prayer before heading out?” he stated in question form more than requesting it. The others nodded though and they huddled in a circle, bowing their heads as Brian said a few words of encouragement, “Thank you for bringing us here tonight after so much time off. Please let tonight go well without any problems and let the rest of the tour go just as good as they did so long ago. Let all of us stay healthy and happy and all of us being free of complications.”

“Amen.” they all said in unison, lifting their heads up.

“I guess this is it,” AJ stated when they were given a thumbs up that it was now time, “Now or never.”

He shot a smile at the others, knowing that it was in deed time as he read in their minds that they were all ready as well, and they one by one, they all ran out on to the stage to give the show of their lives, their first real concert appearance in over two long years. So much could happen, anything was possible. Just not what they expected.

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The first dance to The Call hadn’t been so difficult. In fact, his energy had been high. He figured it was the adrenaline rush of being back out on stage again. The second song though was a slightly slower one, and he’d felt himself start to come down from his high. The third song was a slower ballad and with the way he was feeling, he was grateful for the change in pace already. It was something he needed. The rush from the first song was gone, the weakness that he’d had pent up in his body crashing down upon him.

What he wasn’t ready for though, was when the pace was picked back up again. He sang, went along with the movements of the dances that he’d rehearsed time and time again. He could feel his body refusing to put forth the appropriate energy that he needed to follow through with the routine. A solo of his came and he found a hard time finding his voice to sing, and when he did, he sounded strange even to himself.

Dirty looks came from his friends at his tripping up. This wasn’t how the start of the tour was supposed to go. Even he realized that. He couldn’t help this though. He couldn’t help how weak he felt and that his voice wasn’t working properly. It kept cutting in and out, his tone changing. He winced to himself, knowing that he was ruining things. Of all the nights for this to happen, it just had to be then. It just couldn’t have happened during practices and rehearsals. No, that would have made things too easy. It was too late to turn back time now though, and he forced himself to keep going, despite how lousy he felt.

Shaking his head, he knew he had to get his act together, forcing himself to speed up his routine so that he was with the others in the steps. It didn’t work though, and soon, he was in the way, causing others to trip up as well. God, he was going to hear it during intermission outfit change. He would be scolded and yelled at about how he needed to clear his head and straighten himself up unless he wanted the reviews, the first reviews in two years, to be negative.

Fifth song came and the pace was picked up even more again. He bent down, uncapping a water bottle, taking a large gulp to hydrate himself. It didn’t stop the growling hunger pains that were causing him to want to double over in agony. He forced himself to keep going though, despite how intense the hurting was. Despite how light headed he felt, and how dizzy he was becoming...despite how he was starting to see double, the spotlights blinding him worse than ever before, he forced himself to keep going.

His breathing started to get heavy and he felt as if his chest was closing in on him, his heart hurting, his chest aching. Every muscle fiber screamed for a break, because he’d overworked himself so much without any fuel to keep him going in a healthy manner. All he could think of was the outfit change break that they’d be getting in just three more songs. It would only be for three minutes, but he could chug down some water, maybe a Red Bull for energy, wipe the sweat from his body and allow his heart rate to slow down so that he could hopefully start over fresh. Only three more songs. He would be fine...only about twelve more minutes. Twelve minutes to last. It was hardly anything. He could make it.

He smiled at a fan in the front row who waved at him, blowing him a kiss. Waving back, she turned to her friend, shrieking in her ear in excitement. Normally, he would have laughed. He didn’t have the energy to though, his only concentration on how shitty he felt as he did a spin in a dance move. This caused him to lose his balance, as everything in front of him started to sway and spin, causing him to feel nauseous. Everything started to move in slow motion and he the music was as well, sounding garbled and distorted. He closed his eyes and shook his head, trying to clear it, but it didn’t help. He saw the looks that the others were shooting his way, but he couldn’t respond to them, for his concentration was lost.

His joints started to feel heavy as he knew he was slowing down significantly. Another solo of his came, but he couldn’t speak. He didn’t even realize what was happening and he just tried to keep going. He felt like he was dying though as his body felt like a deadweight, his head spinning, his stomach aching. His chest was closing in even more and he felt it even harder to breathe. Dizziness was becoming intense and he heard the others yelling at him. All the noise sounded as if it were coming from a tunnel though and he was on the inside, everything else coming from the outside, echoing slightly, hardly audible. And then he started to fall...

Falling....falling...

And then as he collapsed to the stage, all around him went black as his eyes rolled in to the back of his head and he lost consciousness completely.

I am going to be evil now...hahaha...lol....I will post the epilogue tomorrow or Friday (it is already written) if you review! *grins* I know, I know...but I want to know how I am doing and see everybodies guesses on who it is....final guesses before it is said for sure. So please review and I will post the epilogue before the weekend! Thanks!!!

For those of you who've read and reviewed, thank you so much. It means a lot to me. Hopefully you've enjoyed the story as much as I've enjoyed writing it.

For those of you who've read 11...I know, that cliffy was mean...and those who haven't...please review, even if it is to yell at me! lol.

I will be posting the epilogue shortly. Just want to get feedback from all angles before I do so. But anywho, thanks again for all of you who have left reviews. It is what kept me writing this. If not for you, I would have given up. Trust me...look at some of my other stories which I don't update often...lol. Anyways, please review 11 for me...it only takes a minute and you will find out who is our mystery man this time around! *yes, I am bribing....haha!*

Be looking for my next stories...I have quite a few planned and some sequels in store for others on here...already started the seqeuel for For Better, For Worse.

Epilogue

He sat in his bed at the hospital alone, wondering where things had gone wrong in his life. The events from the past few hours were foggy and he didn’t quite remember what had happened. All he remembered was performing, like any other night from years ago. It had been the first show of the tour and he’d felt dizzy and exhausted, his body feeling like a deadweight, for he could hardly keep up with the others, his body refusing to move to the beat of the music in the swift maneuvers which he knew by heart and had practiced day and night. By the fifth song, he had started to see double and he had grown dizzy. Really dizzy and then...


Had he collapsed? Fainted? He couldn’t remember anything after that, for the whole world had grown black. It then hit him that from lack of food in his body, fate had finally taken its course. He had pushed himself to the limits and lack of fuel to keep his body going had caught up with hin, and at the worst possible time. He really didn’t see it that way though, as realistic as he knew it was. He refused to let himself see the truth entirely. He saw it as that he hadn’t prepared himself enough for the tour and being in the spotlight again. He had failed the group. He had failed the fans. He had failed himself.

Turning his head weakly to the side, he noticed that there was an IV going in to him. A couple, at that. There was a machine monitoring his heart and blood pressure. He looked past that though. His eyes were on the one which he knew was feeding him, injecting him with liquid food. He let out a ragged breath, wanting to tear it out of his arm so that he was not being accessed to the wretched stuff. Too weak to move though, he sighed, slowly turning his head back to look to the other side of him. For the first time, he noticed a few cards and a vase several vases of flowers. There were some balloons and stuffed animals. He guessed that they were probably from some of the fans whom had tried to get in but had only gotten to leave him with some gifts.

Knowing that he had to have been out for awhile, he wondered just how long. It really didn’t matter. What was done was done. He’d just have to work hard to make sure that this didn’t happen again, hoping that the others hadn’t caught on to anything. That would be a disaster. Just like when they’d found out Howie’s secret. Howie was now being hounded and watched over, his life under a magnefine glass, everything closely inspected. He didn’t want anybody to know. That couldn’t happen. He didn’t want to be watched like a mouse by a hawk zeroing down on its prey.

Groaning, he realized that he was tired. More tired than he’d like to be, but his fall had taken a lot out of him. His body was getting the rest that he needed desperately. The rest that it had been begging for during the last few months and it was being force fed the nourishment that it had craved but his mind had overpowered the hunger pangs in his stomach. All that was on his mind as he drifted in to another sleep was how he would have to work overtime to erase all the damage that was being done to him during his miserable stay where the doctors were only ‘helping’ him.

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“Do you think he’s awake?” a voice came

The voice was followed by a wave of silence as he was slowly awakened from his slumber, coming out of his groggy state. He opened his eyes, squinting at the light pouring through the windows.

“I don’t know.” Another voice came, which was also very familiar to him, “I think he’s still out of it.”

Footsteps were heard as they all shuffled in to the room, getting closer to him. He turned his head and saw his four best friends in the whole world right next to him. He smiled weakly at them, even though it was forced. Everything about him still ached and it hurt to just move the slightest bit. He’d ruined the opening night show by being too weak to dance and sing. He’d let them down, yet here they were, still caring about him

“I’m awake.” he mumbled

He opened his eyes wider, even though it took a great deal of strength and effort, and he saw deep concern in all of their eyes. He saw discomfort and pity. It was then that he knew they’d found out what had caused it. Unsure of if he should feel ashamed or angry, he just shrugged, hoping that his small gesture would say it all.

“You look like shit, Rok.”

Brian could feel tears welling up in his eyes as he felt helplessly pitiful. All of his work and it had done nothing. He’d never felt more disgusted with himself, wishing that he could just die or at least have made a difference in himself.

“I’m that fat, huh?”Brian asked

He got four stares of bewilderment. This confused him, as they were all looking at him as if he were crazy. Was he crazy? He honestly didn’t think so, but then again, he didn’t know anything any longer. He didn’t even know himself anymore. He was just a shell of what the old Brian had been, his emotions and feelings inside of him misplaced with something else entirely.

“Fat? You’re nothing but skin and bones,” his cousin, Kevin spoke, “I don’t know...how didn’t we notice this? Anorexia...” his voice trailed off as he raked a hand through his dark hair, feeling horrible for looking past his little cousins faltering appearance.

“You’re a stick,” AJ brought up, “Damn, you’re thinner than I am.” he looked at his friend, seeing for the first time how he was a walking skeleton, covered by baggy clothing to hide it. His eyes had dark circles clinging to them, having the sunken in appearance. His cheek bones stuck out noticeable and he felt bad for not noticing sooner. Forty-two pounds. How had they not noticed?

The answer was simple. They’d all been so worried about Howie cutting again that they’d ignored everything else. Brian had seized the opportunity when none of them had been looking. And now, yet again, another one was in the hospital. Another one had caused the band to fall, only this time was different...slightly.

“I don’t see it that way.” Brian mumbled in a sulky manner.

“Do you know how serious this could have been?” Kevin asked, his tone loud and hurt, “Brian, you are lucky that your organs didn’t shut down. As it is, your heart is weakened and your blood pressure...” he stopped to take in a deep breath, “You’re lucky that nothing worse happened to you. You could have died.”

All was silent for a long series of moments as nobody knew quite what to say. Their friend had an eating disorder...something that was mostly in correlation with the female gender. A person who’d always lived by the rules and had never done anything rash. This was out of character for Brian. Maybe that’s why they hadn’t noticed. Just like they hadn’t noticed Howie’s cutting issue. The difference was, Howie’s was easier to hide, for he’d acted normal. Brian’s appearance had gone down, but nobody had noticed.

“We’re so sorry...” Howie mentioned, “This could have been prevented.”

Brian shrugged, not really wanting it to have been prevented. He’d wanted all along for his secret to remain hidden. So why did he feel so guilty.

“Can we still tour?”

“Yes, Bri...we can, if you feel up to it. We just have to make sure you stuff your face and get back to health along the way.”

Brian hesitated, knowing that this would come. Along with therapy probably so that his distorted self image could become repaired and he see the ‘real’ Brian in the mirror again. Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad. Just maybe...

‘Sure, I feel up to it.” Brian smiled faintly.

The others smiled back, knowing that once again, the Backstreet Boys faced and survived yet another group crisis. It seemed that they were always hurdling some sort of obstacles, but always came out again on top, stronger than ever, just like they always had. Just like they always would. To break the bond that they had for life, and the talent that they’d worked to grow upon, it would take more than a few minor glitches.

“Sounds great, but for now, let’s just get through tonight and get back to the hotel.” Kevin sighed, knowing that by morning, Brian would be released.

“Sounds good to me.” Brian agreed, hoping that everything would be okay once his mind cleared. He had a feeling that it would be.