When the wind blows down your house of cards…





It was always the same thing for him night after night. They say a quick prayer, run on stage and then give the performance of their lives. It’s pretty much all he has ever known, living his life out under the lights of a stage too hot to endure for the amount of time they were expected to entertain everyone. This night was no different than all the others, except this night he felt helpless, a little more than usual.



The depression had been an ongoing thing with Nick, even when he was young. His childhood being anything less than rosy, always hearing his family arguing about money and anything else under the sun made him sometimes so sad he wouldn’t know what to do with himself. Should he run away? Try to start over again? Or maybe just give up all hope.



Even when the boys were born, the depression never left and over the years it did nothing but intensify to moments such as this, as he shooed away countless girls screaming his name only to hear them call him a jerk as he walked on by. If they only knew how heavy his heart was, how hard touring was and how much he longed to be happy.



He sat instead, in a window seat of the bus they had rented to take them to the airport, and watched Kevin and Brian stop and pose for pictures with the fans as they smiled and grabbed them, kissing them on the cheek and professing their undying love for them. Even though just a few minutes earlier it was he they had said they couldn’t live without.



Howie and AJ came out next to be stopped by the same flurry of fans, now all of them signing away with huge smiles on their faces. He used to be able to do that back when everything was just a little bit easier. Now he couldn’t, he lost the ability to be Nick Carter when the lights dimmed and the music faded.



Someone knocking on his bus window, more like pounding on it, made him uneasy as she hysterically cried about wanting him to come out. He saw a sideways glance from Kevin as he sunk lower in his chair. There was no way he could do it tonight, paste on anymore fake smiles.



Before the show it was different, pasting on a smile for the fans and kidding around with the guys was second nature to him. He was used to doing it, acting like there was nothing better in the world than being him. After the show though, it was nearly impossible. This tour brought with it so much fatigue there were many nights he thought he might not make it. Just die right there on stage, while the crowd screamed and held up signs.



He realized that about halfway through the night Nick Carter would die, only to be replaced by just plain old Nick, the one who existed before the stardom, the same one who was never sure of himself and never held his head up to make eye contact with people. The Nick he was by the time he walked off stage was the shell of all the things he wished he and his fame could be. He had let himself down, in just about every way imaginable.



Just thinking that made him brush his sweaty hair away from his eyes and sigh, the one girl who stood by the window pounding on it was being kindly escorted away by Drew. He felt bad, but not bad enough to care.



That’s when his eyes caught another girl, who wasn’t screaming or crying but more like staring in at him. She had a camera in her hands and was about to take a picture but when his eyes met hers she stopped and put it away. To her he waved a silent thank you and she nodded her head.



“You are such a fuddy duddy Nickolas.” He turned towards AJ who was now making his way into the bus with Howie following close behind. “Would it kill you to go out there and at least wave to those girls?”



“You know it just might.” Nick responded as sarcastically as possible, his eyes once again fixed on the girl who gave him his privacy.



“How are you feeling Nicky?”



“I’m okay D, just really tired.” He smiled at his friend who seemed to ask that like clock work after every single show.



“We’re all tired but yet we make time for the fans. You should too.”



“AJ lay off of him.” Howie defended once again giving Nick a half smile.



“Whatever,” Nick felt a little heavier at that point, he knew the guys didn’t understand and sometimes that hurt more than anything else especially when it was AJ that seemed to be so baffled considering all that he had been through.



“It’s okay D he’s right. I’m sorry I just couldn’t do it tonight.” AJ walked towards him and pat his shoulder, “I know I’m sorry for snapping at you. I guess I’m just tired too.”



Nick smiled at his big brother as he walked back towards the front of the bus stopping and waving at the fans who were still screaming AJ’s name. They had stopped screaming Nick’s by that point, figuring it was a lost cause. That thought brought his eyes once more towards that one fan. He was drawn to her because out of all the ones in the crowd she was being the least intrusive. This time she was talking to Brian just as she handed him a bag.



As Marcus ushered him away from the madness and back towards the bus, Nick felt a small weight lift off his shoulders. Done for another day now, all there was to do was board a plane and head to Europe where they would be doing it all over again. Kevin boarded and turned to wave at everyone one last time as he walked over and sat right next to Nick, who was rubbing his eyes.



“There is a whole bus you know.”



“I know that.” Nick felt Kevin’s heat radiating off of him as their arms hit each other.



He looked out the window once more to see that most of the crowd had moved towards the front of the bus, only a few hung towards their end. Kevin shoved his hand passed Nick and starting waving probably as a huge hint that he should do the same. The sweet fan looked at him and smiled and then finally waved at Kevin almost as if he was the fan and she was the star.



That made Nick smile and finally wave to the lucky few who stayed in hopes he would turn uncharacteristically nice. Brian finally boarded the bus followed by Marcus and instantly the engine started up.



“Here we go.” The blonde said more to himself than Kevin but since they were sitting right next to each other, he felt the need to comment.



“Yup.” It wasn’t a huge comment, but still.



Brian was making his way towards the back of the bus which was not part of his usual routine. Mostly he would sit across from AJ and the two of them would have a conversation about golf or some other equally boring topic while Howie and Kevin hung towards the middle and Nick camped out in the back. Today though, he walked all the way over to Nick as the bus started to roll carefully out of the venue as the crowd slowly parted like the red sea.



“We had a good response tonight. It was a nice crowd.” Kevin seemed to say to his towel as he stuck his face in it.



“Yeah they were good.” Nick replied looking off in the distance out the window as they passed the last few fans.



“Nick” Hearing his name brought his head away from the darkness and towards Brian who was dangling a bag in front of his face. “A fan of yours gave this to me to give to you.” He said gently handing it over.



“Thanks Bri.”



“No problem, how are you feeling?”



“I’m good just really tired.”



Brian nodded and than exchanged a worried glance over at his cousin. Nick caught that glance but didn’t acknowledge it. He was used to them by now, ever since the tour started and the fatigue set in, he had been a regular recipient of those glances. They were worried about him, he was worried about himself but at the end of the day neither would do anything about it.



“Aren’t you even going to look in there?” Kevin asked motioning for Nick to open his gift.



“I’ll get to it eventually.”



“You know Nick didn’t we have this discussion already about taking fans for granted?”



“I’m not doing that Kevin and they’re the ones that take me for granted not the other way around.”



There was silence, you could tell that more needed to be said by the older one but he chose to just rub his weary shoulders and sigh instead. Lectures would come later, twelve years together was long enough to know when things were best left unsaid.



As he held the package in his hands, Nick wondered how it had all gone so wrong. Why would he feel like this when supposedly this was the best time in his life. How many millions of people would so willingly trade places with him for a chance to live just a second of his life? He realized he was lucky and that maybe he did take things for granted but there was a bigger picture and that one held more of a gray tinge than the one that everyone else saw.



In that picture, he wasn’t allowed to ever be himself. He wasn’t allowed to complain about anything because by everyone’s definition of success he had everything set at his feet. They didn’t see or care to understand how hard all his family drama had hit him. No one knew how often he found himself in the bathroom wiping away the tears seconds before they made their way out on stage.



This was all so hard on him, even the guys, who knew him better than anyone else on the planet had no clue just how sad he really was. He hid it from them all or at least tried to.



“What are you thinking about?” Nick turned towards Kevin who was just staring at him with a look of worry on his face.



“Nothing, why?”



“You seem very far away, everything all right?”



Nick nodded and gave him a smile, “Yeah sorry, I’m just tired and zoning out I guess.”



“You know Nick; you should be drinking some water because you look dehydrated.” Before Nick could object Kevin was up and grabbing a water out of the cooler for his friend. “Here ya go buddy, lots of water when it’s this hot out okay?”



Nick nodded, opening up the water and taking a sip. That was Kevin’s way, trying his hardest to find and fix the problem even when he had no idea what needed fixing. As a gesture of thanks Nick did open up the contents of the gift bag he was given. He could feel Kevin’s eyes on him as he pulled out the shirt.



“Let me see.” Nick handed the shirt over to Kevin who laughed as he held it up and read it.



“We are set for life in the shirts department.”



“Yes we are.” Nick agreed pulling out the card that accompanied the shirt.



This was the part he hated most, reading the same thing over and over again. All the letters always said the same thing, they never much faltered from the Nick I heart you; you are my idol and mean so much to me formula. After awhile he stopped reading them all together. Especially when he got a few in a row that were just crude and rude, people talking to him acting like they knew who he was. Calling him a man whore and telling him he should stop smoking and stop being such a dumbass where his DUI was concerned.



He looked down at the envelope which was plain and just said simply… for Nick. “Well at least there are no sticker hearts and bubble letters.” Kevin laughed at that. He hadn’t even realized he said that out loud.



The card contained a letter that was about a page long, “Oh joy a novel.” He still felt the need to whine.



“Nick just read it, she bought you a shirt.”



“You’re right, sorry I’ll stop complaining.”



“Well hallelujah about that!” AJ exclaimed from the front of the bus.



Ignoring that, Nick opened up the letter and read it.





Dear Nick,



I know you don’t know me but sometimes I have a pretty good idea I know you. That might seem like a stalkerish statement but I promise I’m not one of those! You just always seem so sad.



I have seen many videos of you standing around laughing and joking with the fans but then I see the look of sadness on your face the minute you look away.



One thing I don’t believe you realize is how many people love you and care about you Nick. I can only imagine what it’s like to live in your world, where everything seems perfect but then is not. You probably think we don’t get it, but we do at least I do.



Even if those people who mean the world to you might not show you the love and affection you need, know that there are about a million invisible hugs surrounding you every day if you just gave yourself a chance to feel them, to feel the warmth of our love guiding you away from your sadness.



Think of your song Heart without a Home, well your fans are the home for that heart.



We love you and care about you, even if some of us have a horrible way of showing it.



So when the wind blows down your house of cards, we’ll be that home for your homeless heart.



Much love,



Carrie



He sat there staring at the words; the ones he really needed to hear and was shocked to feel tears falling onto his cheeks.



“What’s wrong Nicky?” Asked the now softened voice of Kevin who seemed surprised to suddenly see his friend crying.



Nick was embarrassed that he lost it, not only in front of Kevin but the entire bus as he felt all their eyes on him. Brian and AJ moved closer to where he was sitting and he felt a hand settle on his shoulder. It was Howie who was sitting directly behind him.



“Sorry, it’s nothing, just got a little emotional.”



“The letter?” Brian asked giving his friend a sympathetic look.



Nick nodded, gently handing the letter to Brian for him to read. He never thought anyone would understand him or care to anyway. It’s funny what the fans could do, how even the smallest of gestures could mean so much, whether good or bad.



“It’s sad that she understands me more than my own family you know?”



They nodded, as Kevin wrapped his youngest band brother in a hug and kissed the top of his head.



“I think you would be surprised about how many people understand you kiddo.” Kevin said.



“And love and care about you.” Brian added.



“And can see right through you Nicky,” Howie responded.



“Like us for instance.” That was AJ adding a cherry on top.



Nick just took it all in and nodded, knowing with friends like these and fans like Carrie out there, he would get through this.



He wiped the tears from is eyes and allowed himself a smile as the bus continued on its way.







The end

Inspired by the song Homeless heart



Sung by Amanda Stott



Homeless Heart


Lonesome stranger
With a crowd around you
I see who you are

You joke, they laugh
Til the show is over
Then you fall so hard

If you're needing
A soul-to-soul connection
I'll run to you side

Chorus:
When you're lost in the dark
When you're out in the cold
When you're looking for something that resembles your soul
When the wind blows your house of cards
I'll be a home to your homeless heart

Open close me
Leave your secrets with me
I can ease your pain

My arms will be
Just like walls around you
Come in from the rain

If you're running
In the wrong direction
I will lead you back

Chorus

Broken
Shattered like a mirror
In a million pieces
Sooner or later
You gotta find
Something someone
To find you and save you

Thanks for reading!