Say Goodbye

I'm staring down this empty street
And its cold but I am walking
To the place where all roads meet
And its just the past and me
A tattoo and a scar
And the man in the tv

Howie sighed as he sat down on the couch. It was another lonely night without his girlfriend, or ex girlfriend rather. He and Kaitlyn had dated for just over a year and she had broken up with him for unknown reasons. This was two months ago and Howie was still having a hard time with it. It was getting easier by the day, but he would be lying if he said that he didn’t still miss her. He did, and the couple on the TV screen reminded him of the gnawing feeling inside of him. The feeling of wanting to be loved and have someone to love back. Why couldn’t relationships be as perfect as they always were in the movies?

“Hey, D? You okay?”

Howie looked up to see his best friend in the whole world, AJ, fellow band member and ‘brother’. He had concern on his face and Howie knew he had dozed off again in to a dream land of memories. How would he admit that to AJ though? Howie was somewhat embarrassed to admit what was going on in his mind, so instead of telling the truth, he just said the first thing that escaped his lips. The lips that were dying to kiss Kaitlyn again.

“I’m good. I suppose I am just a little bit tired.” he smiled

AJ shrugged, starting to turn his attention back to the TV but something caught his eye sticking out from under Howie’s suitcase. Curiosity caught the best of him as he leaned forward to retrieve the item. Howie didn’t even notice until AJ spoke up of what he had found.

“What’s this?” AJ held it up and Howie turned his head, his eyes widening in slight panic at what AJ held in his hand. He opened the small book, flipping through the pictures, “I didn’t realize you still had pictures of Kait.”

“Yeah...um...” Howie murmured, holding his hand out to get the album back, “Just a memory book.” when he realized that AJ wasn’t going to hand it over, Howie moved himself in to a seat next to AJ, deciding to look at it with him. He smiled at the first photograph in the book. It was when him and Kaitlyn had first met, accidentally bumping in to one another. He could see it all so clearly...

“Hey, D...hurry up man.” AJ called, running along side the other three members of the Backstreet Boys.

“I’m coming!” Howie yelled back, trying to get a stronger grip on his luggage, which was falling from his grasp.

He stopped to hoist his gym bag up on to his shoulder, putting his backpack on again before running again, not seeing any of his friends in sight any longer. He knew that they were running late for their flight. Really late, in fact. He knew that they were all just in a hurry, but unless he stopped again and checked his ticket for the flight number, which was in the front pocket of his backpack, that would only cause him to become further behind.

“This is supposed to happen to Nick.” Howie mumbled as he rounded a corner quickly.

He was stopped short though when he bumped in to something solid. It caused him to drop two of his four bags as well as knock whomever he’d run in to down. Howie was lucky enough to have stumbled but caught his balance. He set the rest of his things down to help the person up before picking up their two carry on bags. He handed them out to the person, in a hurry to get on his own way, but froze as he found himself looking in to a beautiful pair of vibrant blue eyes. The woman stood not much shorter than him, an inch tops. She was slender with a strawberry blonde hair color. Freckles were spattered across the bridge of her nose, but no more. She was adorable in Howie’s eyes, and he smiled shyly, unsure of himself.

“I’m sorry...” he stuttered, handing out the bags to her and she laughed politely, taking them from hm, “I didn’t mean to um...knock you over. Are you okay?”

“Yes, I’m fine.” she replied, “Don’t worry about it.”

Both just stood there, stopped in time for few moments. Howie forgot all about catching his flight, unable to tear his eyes away from this beautiful creature before him. Neither spoke and it appeared she was having just as hard of a time moving as he was. Howie was the first to break himself from the trance though, realizing he’d zoned out of reality.

“Well, I have a flight to catch...” he stated, his voice trailing off.

“Oh yes, me too...” she nibbled her bottom lip, hesitant about the departure. Just as hesitant as him. It was inevitable though. Why prolong it?

“I’m sorry again.” Howie apologized, picking up his own bags from the busy floors.

“It’s alright...” she laughed

Howie just smiled again and stared for a moment before saying regretfully and kindly, “Well, um..I’ll see you around.” before smiling and stepping around the young woman to hurry off and find his flight before it took off without him.

Every time I walk away I see a picture of a face
It's a photograph that makes me wonder why
Now I stand here on my ownAnd I'm finally letting go
Its time to say goodbye

Howie didn’t know how that particular picture had been taken, but somehow it had ended up in his hotel room one day. Who had taken it, he didn’t know, figuring one of the Boys had come back to retrieve him and found him speaking to the young woman, taking it as some sort of joke. Little did they know it would become a special memory in Howie’s heart. He and the woman’s first encounter. The picture showed him handing Kaitlyn her luggage back and her smiling shyly. His own cheeks were somewhat flushed in minor embarrassment over what had happened.

Kaitlyn had somehow ended up on his flight. The odds of that, slim, but somehow, it had happened despite them going in opposite directions at first. She had been two rows behind him, but had an empty seat beside her. Howie, after the flight was already at good elevation, had decided to boldly make his move, going to sit next to her. She looked both startled as well as pleased to see him. That was where he had learned her name. Kaitlyn hadn’t recognized him. In fact, she hadn’t recognized any of the Boys. She’d heard of them, sure, but had never really cared to learn anything about them, as they weren’t her taste in music.

“Seems so long ago, huh?” AJ spoke, distracting Howie from his memory of thoughts.

Howie nodded in response, gulping. God, how everything had been so simple back then. He missed the perfection of it. They had really hit it off and by the end of the flight, he and Kaitlyn had exchanged numbers. He had called her that very night and after that, their relationship had progressed nicely and steadily until he had asked her out officially shortly over a month later. She had said yes, making him feel something he hadn’t in a long while. The excitement of being in a good relationship.

“I can’t believe that was almost a year and a half ago...” his voice trailed off as he rubbed his finger over the photograph gently, smiling.

“And you almost missed the damned flight because of your Latin lover ways,” AJ teased, “Another minuted, and that plane would have been headed down the runway without you.”

Howie laughed good-naturedly. It had all paid off for the best though. For thirteen months, anyways. He thought back to the phone call she had given him, telling him that the relationship just wasn’t working any longer. He had felt numb when Kaitlyn had spoken those words, asking for an explanation. She had nothing to give him though but a sorrowful goodbye. The line had then gone dead. He had felt nothing for the next few days. When it finally hit though, he’d allowed himself to cry a few sad tears before getting the courage to not show his emotions. Nobody had asked of Kaitlyn, and it had been for the best, as Howie didn’t know how he would have reacted if they had.

For weeks, Howie wondered what he had done wrong in the relationship. Every couple he saw, he wondered if they would ever go through what he did. He’d lost his faith in love. He’d looked for answers for his own failed relationship, but had found nothing to consol him. It was as if life was mocking him mercilessly and he had no truth in life...nothing to look forward to. His self confidence had faltered and he felt that he didn’t have faith in himself. Still though, he kept his head held high trying as hard as he could to keep a positive outlook. Soon, he found that he no longer had to try...as hard...

So down this road I travel now
Pass broken buildings where I look for truth, were they true to me, no
Every step is stepped with doubt
But still I walk here trying to find some peace
Will I find peace?

He and AJ slowly flipped through a few more pages of pictures before another one caught Howie’s eyes. He stopped AJ from turning the pages so he could take it in. It was of them exchanging Christmas gifts right before they parted their separate ways to see their own families for the Holidays. Kaitlyn had gone with the Boys for a week before to spend some time with Howie. The departure had been bittersweet, as neither knew when they would get to see one another again. Kaitlyn had a new job that she was starting in Boston and he would be touring Europe.

“I still have her gift from that Christmas...”Howie admitted, smiling sadly.

AJ smiled back as Howie thought of the silver chain he’d received a sterling silver tag around it. Kaitlyn had engraved To my dearest Howie on our first Christmas. Love Kaitlyn. She would never know how meaningful the gift was to him. He had given her a gold locket necklace. Real gold, not the cheap ones that are bought for children. It had been the real deal. On the inside, he had placed small photos of the two of them so she would always have them close to her heart. Every time he’d seen her, Howie had seen that locket around her neck. He wondered if she still had it.

Howie felt something though as he looked at the photos. Something unexpected. He’d kept the album in his suitcase for those two long months, but had never once had the heart to open it. He’d wanted to bottle everything up. Looking at it though was giving him a sense of relief. He felt himself slowly letting her go from his heart and soul. He felt himself starting to heal properly, and as strange as it was, he was also glad. He wanted to be happy and move on. He wanted to allow himself to fall in love again without carrying the burden of missing Kaitlyn the way he had been.

“You two were awfully great together.” AJ admitted, “You always had a way of picking up girls you were good with, D. I gotta hand that to ya.”

Howie just shrugged, not knowing how to reply to that. He just continued to stare at the photo, letting the memories flow back in to his mind, cleansing his system of the pain he’d been feeling with every breath he took, letting it out slowly.

“Do you really have to go?” Howie asked, knowing that he was sounding selfish at the moment, but he really wanted to spend Christmas and New Years with his girlfriend of six and a half months now in his arms. He wanted to watch the clock strike midnight and kiss her under the mistletoe. He knew that it sounded foolish, but it was something special that he wanted to share with his girlfriend.

“Yes, I do...” Kaitlyn whispered, bowing her head sadly, “My family is expecting me home. I haven’t seen them in awhile...”

“What’s another week” Howie asked, laughing slightly to make it seem like he was only joking. Boy was he serious though. Kaitlyn laughed too and Howie sighed, “I was hoping tonight would never end.”

“Me too...” Kaitlyn agreed sadly.

Howie heard her sniffle and knew that she was crying softly. How he wished he could ease away the sadness, but it would be hypocritical if he did, for he too felt the same wave of emotions, sad tears of his own falling freely. He cupped his girlfriend’s chin with his fingers, gently lifting her face up so that she was looking in to his chocolate eyes. Both laughed through their tears and Howie softly stroked her cheek with his thumb before kissing her softly on the lips, embracing her in a warm, long hug. When the couple pulled apart, they stared in to one another’s eyes for a long moment before Kaitlyn spoke.

“Well, I need to get going...”

“You sure you don’t want to stay?” Kaitlyn looked at him strangely and he forced himself to laugh, “I’m joking.” he sighed, “Well, I’m going to miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too, Howie,” Kaityln replied, “I’ll call you once I land in Boston.” Howie nodded. Kaitlyn hesitated, not moving before looking in to his eyes and opening her mouth to speak the three intimate words for the first time, “I love you.”

Howie felt like jumping in to the air hearing those beautiful words. Words he’d longed to say himself but feared to. He felt like dancing. Instead, he just smiled at her, hugging his precious girlfriend again.

“I love you too, Kait,” he told her, “Have a safe trip.”

Kaitlyn nodded, kissing him one last time before walking out of the door, Howie watching sadly until she disappeared, holding her Christmas gift in his hand, pressing it against his heart adoringly. At that time, he wondered when he would see her again, already wanting to count down the days until he did...

Every time I walk away I see a picture of a face
It's a photograph that makes me wonder why
Now I stand here on my own
And I'm finally letting go
Its time to say goodbye

Howie knew that he had to let go, and that’s exactly what he was doing. Everything that he did had some sort of memory of Kaitlyn to him. It had kept him from moving on with his life. How though, he was seeing that he’d been foolish as to let small things hold him back. He wasn’t going to do that any longer. There was nothing going to stop him now. He knew he couldn’t do it overnight, but knew that since he was allowing himself to start, he could progressively do this.

He hadn’t heard from Kaitlyn at all since the breakup. So many times they’d agreed that if anything happened between them, they would remain friends, or try to. Howie had honestly thought that they would never break up though. He had thought that things would always work out between them. He’d been wrong though and she hadn’t lived up to that promise. Two months was long enough to contact and talk in a friendly manner. Sure, it would be awkward at first, but they could get used to it. Howie thought that they could have gotten used to it. He had come to realize though, after many sleepless nights of staring at his phone, that the day she called would never come. He felt that she should be the one to contact him since she had done the breaking up with.

Everyone had told him he needed to get on with his life and what he was doing made no sense. He hadn’t listened though and now that he was ready, coming to this realization on his own, Howie knew that nobody would take in seriously. They would shrug it off as they would believe it when they saw it. He would show them though that he was going to be okay now though. Nothing would stop him. Not this time, as he was seeing that he really had no reason to keep holding on. The sooner he started to let go, the better off he would be. That time had come and there was no better time than the present, as the saying went.

Nothings gonna stand in my way
No, nothing no nothing will stand in my way
Nothings gonna stand in my way, yeah, hey

AJ and Howie flipped through the rest of the small album, Howie smiling at several pictures of them together or just Kaitlyn goofing off. They were regular, general pictures but one more made him pause. It was the last picture in the album. Their last picture taken together. He sighed, his heart aching for just a second.

“We had a lot of fun that day,” Howie recalled, “Do you remember?”

AJ nodded, “That was Nick’s birthday, right? Kaitlyn flew in for it, but had to leave just as soon that night.”

Howie nodded, “I never thought that would be the last time I saw her,” he sighed, “I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.”

Howie slowly closed the album as he closed his eyes too, letting images of that fun-filled day enter his mind in vibrant color-filled pictures. He smiled, seeing everything so clearly for what it had truly been. He held on to the album now, just replaying that day in his mind up until him and Kaitlyn said goodbye that day and now he was saying goodbye for good...

“Happy birthday, Nicky!” Kaitlyn giggled, planting a playful kiss on Nick’s cheek.

Nick scrunched up his nose in distaste, wiping his cheek off, “I hate being called Nicky.” he told her, acting more like he was turning fifteen rather than twenty-five. His actions caused everybody to laugh.

“I’m ready for cake!” Nick exclaimed, changing the subject.

He hopped up, hurrying over to the large box of white cake with vanilla frosting. It was a photo cake and on it was planted a picture of Nick being locked out of the dressing room in nothing but his underwear. Nick blushed in humiliation, swiping his fingers across the top in one quick movement to rid of the embarrassing moment that had been captured for all to see. He licked his fingers of the extremely sugar filled icing. It was safe to say that Nick would be hyper that night...more hyper than usual.

The party between the six of them had been going on since earlier that afternoon. Nick’s twenty-fifth birthday. It was now nine at night. Howie had seen Kaitlyn sigh, looking down at her watch. She then pulled a box out of her purse, giving it to Nick. The young man had taken the box, looking at her oddly.

“I have to go.” She explained.

“But you just got here before noon,” Nick pointed out, “Stay for cake at least.”

Kaitlyn laughed, shrugging helplessly, “I’m sorry. I wish I could, but I have a plane to catch. I came out just for your birthday.” she hugged him, “Have a great night.”

Nick frowned and Howie walked Kaitlyn to her car. It wasn’t long before Nick’s laughter was heard, it obvious that the incident was forgotten. Kaitlyn took no offence to it though, as she knew how short Nick’s attention span was.

“It was nice of you to come out for his birthday.” Howie told her.

Kaitlyn shrugged, “It was no big deal.” she smiled, “I had fun.”

“It meant a lot to Nick...and me...” he hinted, “I’m glad I got to see you again.”

“Me too.” the couple shared a long, steamy kiss, before Kaitlyn broke free, “I’ll call you when I get back.” she kissed Howie again, “I love you so much. I just wish I could see you more often than this.”

Howie nodded, wishing the same. He had told her he loved her back, and she got in the car. She drove away then, walking out of Howie’s sight for the last time...

Every time I walk away I see a picture of a face
It's a photograph that makes me wonder why
Now I stand here on my own
And I'm finally letting go
Its time to say goodbye