Disclaimer:

I do not own the Backstreet Boys, or anyone related or befriended to them, which is sad, but I guess I have to cope with it. LOL. I DO like Kevin, Nick, Howie and AJ and all others in this story, although I might make them do some bad thing and say some awful things. Always remember – this is FICTION. Muhahahaha….

As you might have noticed by now, I´m no native-english speaking person, so please be gentle about the language and stuff – I tried my best!

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Chapter 1: Just another day in Paradise


He woke up by the constant ringing of this cell. He couldn´t really realize where he was, but it seemed to be just another pretty hotel room. He didn´t know which city it was, or even which country he was in. The joy of a long, exhausting tour. Suddenly he realized that his phone was still ringing. He got up quickly, ignored the wave of dizziness he felt due to the fact that he was still very tired, and headed for the jeans he had been wearing the night before, in which pockets he had left his cell.

The display showed that Kevin was calling.

“Good morning to myself” he thought with a sigh and picked up the phone.

“Hello?”

“Where exactly are you?” Kevin sneered on the other end.

“Just got up. Why?” he replied.

“WHY? BECAUSE YOU WHERE SUPPOST TO BE HERE LIKE AN HOUR AGO!” Kevin shouted.

Brian took a quick glance at his wife still sleeping in the bed. He was sure she must have woken up by his cousin screaming like this into his cell. But she still was sound asleep. She normally wasn’t a tight sleeper, but since Baylee had gotten sick last night, vomiting every single hour and was hard to get to sleep, they had a real hard night.

“Have you heard what I just said?” Kevin asked.

Brian shook his head to get the thoughts of last nights happening out of his mind and tried to focus on the meaning of Kevin’s words. He had been late? About an hour? He looked a watch which was hanging at the wall next to the bed. 9.30. Damn. Suddenly it hit him. The meeting. They would be speaking about the new video…

“Kevin I´m sorry. Look…Bay got sick last night which meant I –“ Brian started to explain.

“I don’t wanna hear you stupid excuses. Get here ASAP alright? Hurry” with that Kevin hung up the phone.

Stupid excuses? Why would that be a stupid excuse? He was a father. He had to care for his son. “Speaking of which” Brian thought as he heard the sound of baby feet toddling towards the light open door of their bedroom.

“Good morning little man. Are you feeling any better?” He asked as he picked up his son giving him a tight hug.

“No” was the simple answer.

Brian took a look at his son. His eyes were a little glassy and his checks where lightly reddening. He felt his sons forehead and could tell that he had a light fever.
“Oh my poor baby. You really must have gotten a cold or something. I hoped it was only one of these baby vomiting things we have had had several times “ he said more to himself then to Baylee.

“Looks like we have to wake your mommy Baylee” he said.

He would have loved to let her sleep. She needed this sleep. She did the most caring for Baylee since he had do work. She nowadays looked exhausting to him.

Brian took Baylee over to the bed and sat down, Baylee on his lap. Leigh was sleeping peacefully.

“Am I doing the right thing?” Brian thought.

He sighed and bend over to plant a kiss on Leigh’s face. She didn’t wake up.

“Hey baby” he called her.

She stirred a little in her sleep. He had to shake he a little bit to finally get her fully awake and ready to take his news.

“Good morning my men” she gave each of them a little kiss.

“Baylee is still sick. I think he might have a fever” Brian explained.

Leighanne also put her hand on Baylee´s forehead.

“You are right, Bri. He does have a fever. Maybe we should take him to a doctor?” she asked

“Look, I’m late for the video-meeting already. Kevin is furious. I need to get ready now and go there. Lets wait till I’m back. Maybe his fever has come down till then. Otherwise we asked Doc Martin to take a look at him, ok?” Brian told her.

“I don’t know…he’s not exactly a pediatrician” Leighanne worried.

Doc Martin was their tour doctor they had ever since their first tour overseas. Brian trusted him completely.

“He’s a good doctor Leigh. I trust him. I need to shower and get ready now.” Brian said and quickly got up before Leigh could say another thing.

He hurried into the bathroom and took a quick shower. Be brushed his teeth’s and shaved in a new record-breaking time and got dressed.

Ten minutes later he was ready to go. When he got back to the bedroom Leighanne was still in bed sitting up with a crying Baylee on her lap. Brian watched as she comforted their little boy by assuring him that he would be better by this afternoon. He couldn’t stand it. He quietly closed the door and headed for the elevator.

When he finally reached the Filming Company’s Building where the meeting was supposed to take place he still hadn’t focused on this video-meeting he should attend right now. He hoped that he wouldn’t have to say much, normally he was fine with everything they did. He didn’t really care what kind of video they were shooting. He was more interested in the real music they were making. An interest some of his colleagues seemed to have lost a little during all these years.

“Here we go” he thought while approaching the door of conference room 2. Sure there would be some comments about him being late and everything, but he would have to get through to it. He knocked and opened the door.

What he saw was a big conference table where his four bandmates where sitting and more or less listening to a man Brian didn’t know yet. He supposed that this was the director of the video. He made big gestures telling the other people around him about the plot.

There where also other man around like their again-to-be manager Johnny and his wife Donna, the boss of the company which was doing the video, their public relations man Brad Hanson and some other people he could associate right now. He tried to close the door as quiet as possible. Of course the director heard him and stopped explaining or whatever he was doing.

Brian turned around again facing them. He didn’t know what to say. He suddenly felt sick when he saw Kevin’s expression and the one of Hanson´s face. This wouldn’t be fun.

“Good morning. Sorry that I’m late. I...” Brian started and was interrupted by Hanson.

“Oh which pleasure. Mr. Littrell decided to join us...finally” he sneered. Brian never liked him, same seemed to go for Hanson not liking him.

“Yeah, be happy about it and feel honored” Brian thought but wisely said non of this.

“As I said I’m really sorry. Please go on” he said to the still standing director.

“My name is Michael Grey. I was signed to be the director of the JWYTK-Video” he was holding out his hand for Brian to shake.

“Brian Littrell. Nice to meet you” he said shaking hands with the man he now knew was named Michael Grey. Grey gave him a warm smile.

“You haven’t really missed something yet. I was explaining the plot, but I have a written copy for everybody, so you might just read it.” He said in a friendly voice.

Brian liked this man. He seemed to be very nice and at least normal, not thinking that he was more important like anybody else, like Hanson was.

“Maybe you gonna sit down Littrell, so that Mr. Grey could go on if you don’t mind” Hanson said in this moment.

Brian hurried to take a seat. The only free left was the one next to Kevin. Perfect. If looks could kill, he would have been dead in this second. At least Kevin was looking at him. Nick, Howie and AJ completely ignored him. This was going to be a really nice day.

Chapter 2: Blame yourself


It was about 12.00 when their finally left the company. While they were heading towards the van which would bring them back to the hotel Kevin announced that they were going to have one of their Backstreet Meetings just after lunch.

“But I was gonna spend the day at the beach” Nick exclaimed.

“Nick is right there. The afternoon was supposed to be off” Howie said.

“Well, I just skipped it. There are things we have to talk about” Kevin shot a look at Brian.

“Yeah right. Blame me. I can take it” Brian thought bitterly. He had hoped that he could care for Baylee´s well-being this afternoon. What if they needed to really see the doc? Leighanne would want him around.

The drove back to the hotel went in complete silence. When they reached the hotel they all got out of the van and headed for the entrance hall. Kevin went for the receptionist to asked if there was a free conference room that afternoon. Howie and AJ took the elevator on the left side which left Nick and Brian to take the other one at the right side.

When the doors had closed and they were alone Brian looked up to Nick who was just staring at the display showing that they were going up.

“Nick I´m sorry Kevin skipped the free afternoon. I know you have looked forwards to it” Brian said quietly.

“He wouldn´t have had to skip it if you would have been on time” Nick spat back.

“Let me explain?” Brian begged

“No, I don´t wanna hear it. I guess it has something to do with Baylee or Leighanne?” Nick said in a harsh voice.

“Yeah, look, Baylee…” Brian began, but in this moment the elevator doors opened and Nick rushed out not caring what Brian was saying. Brian watched as Nick angrily shoved his keycard into the reader and slammed his door shout.

Brian dropped his head and made his way to their hotel room. When he opened the door he found Leighanne and Baylee lying on one of the couches in front of the TV sleeping. It seemed like Baylee had been vomiting again.

Brian looked at his watch. He had one and a half our before he had to be at the meeting. He kissed Leighanne on the check like he had done this morning. This time, she woke up immediately.

“Hey, you are all back. Great. Baylee hasn´t been doing any better” she said before kissing him back.

“I see. We are having another meeting in about an hour and a half. Kevin skipped the afternoon due to me being late. I thought Nick and Howie were going to kill me” Brian sighed.

“Didn´t you explain the Baylee…” she was interrupted by Brian.

“They wouldn´t let me”

“They are being unfair there, aren’t they?” Leigh stated

“You know them. They´ll calm down. I shouldn´t have been too late. It´s unprofessional” Brian sat down next to his sleeping son and putt his head in his hands.

“It´s unprofessional to be there when your son needs you?” Leighanne asked sitting down next to Brian.

Brian said nothing, just dropped his head in Leighanne´s lap. Leigh caressed his hair. She knew that the other Backstreeter were putting more and more pressure onto Brian to leave Baylee and herself at home. They had been talking about that, but Brian didn´t wanted it. He was afraid to miss something in Baylee´s growing that photos and stories couldn´t replace. He had been hesitant to start all over with the group at first. But Leighanne knew that this was what her husband loved the most, just after his son and maybe her.

They were sitting like that for some minutes. Leighanne realized that she was hungry, and she wanted her men to eat something as well.

“Brian, lets order something for lunch. I´m starving. And Baylee should at least having a little bit of soup. And have you had something to eat today?” she asked her husband, who had begun to fall asleep.

“No, I´m not hungry. Order whatever you want, I just gonna lay down a little bit. Please make sure I´m on time this time” he said without opening his eyes.

“You should eat something. And you have to let me get up to get the phone” Leighanne obviously was worried about her husbands lack of hunger.

Brian simply shook his head no.

“Than let me get up at least” she pleaded

Again Brian shook his head.

“Oh honey come on. Everything is going to be fine when tonight’s concert starts. It always is” she tried to comfort him.

Now Brian take is head from her lap to let her get up. Then he simply laid down again and looked up at her. She turned to get the phone.

“You know I love you, don´t you” he asked quietly.

She turned around, surprised by this sudden statement of her husband.

“Of course I do. And I love you even more” she smiled.

“I feel awful for leaving this morning and now again this afternoon. Call Doc Martin if you think you should. We´ll see what he thinks.”

“You know that it´s not your fault that Baylee is sick and that you were late”

“Who´s fault is it than? Baylee´s? Yours?” Brian turned on the couch and his back to his wife.

Leighanne wanted to say something, but decided that maybe and hour of sleep might be as well for him.

Chapter 3: A friend on the edge


AJ was sitting on his bed and couldn’t decide whether he should get a little sleep till he had to be at the meeting or if he should just watch TV instead.

He was still thinking about the happenings of this morning. He was about to see if Brian was up when Nick came in and asked him if he would spent the free noon joining him on the beach. They talked about it when they realized that they were running late. So AJ had all forgotten about Brian.
Inside the van on their way he had remembered and asked Kevin where Brian was.

************************Flashback*******************************************

“Hey Kev, where´s Brian?” he asked

“I don´t know. You know, I stopped watching his ass some time ago” Kevin snapped.

“Whoa, calm down, I was just asking. He usually isn´t late as you know” he tried to make up for his friend.

“He´s late since Leighanne and Baylee joining all the time” Nick spoke up.

“Well, he cares about them”

“He should care more about this group. He does shit for the group. Howie and I doing all the work with the press and you and Nick care for the live performances” Kevin stated.

“He´s doing all the music stuff like getting the band ready before the show, checking the sound and stuff” AJ replied.

“Yeah right” Kevin was pissed, everybody could tell that.

*************************End of Flashback************************************

Something was up with Kevin and Nick. Even Howie seemed to be constantly pissed at Brian. It was true, Brian did only what was necessary for the group, but whatever he did, he did it at 100%.

He´s got a family now. We should be happy that he decided to get back to the group and back on the road. AJ knew that Brian had a long battle with himself to come back. He wanted to see his son grow up some more, he wanted to release this Christian CD he had almost finished. Brian nowadays had a full schedule even without being a Backstreet Boy.

AJ envied Brian a little bit for his perfect family life. He wished to have something like that in the future. He had spent a lot of time with Brian and Leighanne during the break. They always had a room for him and time for talking. He absolutely loved Baylee. He had spent hours just playing with the little guy. And he loved to have Bay and Leigh around on the tour.

And he had grown close to Brian. Very close. He never had been so close to one of the others. Even not Howie. Years ago he had liked Brian, but not his way of life. He never understood how somebody who was cool and active like Brian could prefer spending his evenings in a hotel room playing stupid video games with Nick or watching TV or stuff instead of going clubbing with Howie, Kevin and himself.

He had understood Brian´s way of living during his therapy. He understood that Brian did a lot of things just for Nick, who else would have had to stay alone in his room. He had helped the youngest of them through his homesickness and the problems with his family.

Brian never had any trouble with the police, unlike him and Nick. He even never had real bad press. Unlike everyone of them.

He had realized a lot of things during his therapies and the long talks to Brian.

*****************************Flashback**************************************

“Thanks for letting me stay again” he said.

“Hey, no problem. You´re welcome every time as you know pretty well” Brian smiled putting an arm around his shoulders.

“I´m sure you would prefer having some private time with Leigh and Baylee. He´s so cute”he had to smile at the thought of his “nephew”.

“He loves you. He keeps asking me about `cle A-taj´ all the time. He would be pretty angry with me if I wouldn´t let you come around. By the way, I also do love to have you around. I like to see how much you have changed for the better. I like to be proud about my little brother” Brian said seriously.

There was a short break.

“You earned this man. You lived a pretty good live always. You have been through a lot and I´m happy that you were the first be become a father you know. You deserved it the most. I´m gonna have a family one my own sometime in the future. But I will have to wait some more time. But I now know this time will come” he had wanted to say this out lout for so long.

“You´ll make a great father and husband. I´m sure” Brian said.

“I have a good example to learn from” he replied.

************************End of Flashback*************************************

It was true. Brian had helped him a lot and just by letting him stay at his house and joining his little family had showed him, what everything was worth for.

One the other hand, he had just gotten back a little trust from Kevin, Nick and Howie. They also had forgiven him. What if he was now again spoiling everything by telling Brian that it was totally okay to spent most of his time with the family. Maybe for now he should just stay silent and see how it would go on.

AJ finally decided to go watch some TV.

“Man, this is fucked up” he said out loud.

Maybe he should call his mother to talk about everything. He decided against it when he saw that there was a live performance of Gwen Stefanie on TRL.

Chapter 4: An unpleasant meeting


Leighanne had gotten him to stay up just in time to be in time for the meeting. He now felt even more tired and exhausted like this morning.

As Brian left their room he met Doc Martin on the hallway.

“Hey Brian, how are we doing?” Doc Martin greeted him with a warm smile.

He had always liked Brian. He was one of those persons who wouldn’t thought that they were dying when they were having the flue. His health was an important part of his life. It had to be. He lived his life in a healthy way, but he never pushed it to far.

“I’m doing fine besides of being really tired. Haven’t had really much sleep with Baylee puking all the time” Brian explained.

“Leighanne already told me. I’m gonna have a look at him right now. He’ll be fine within no time” Doc Martin assured.

“I know. I trust you as you full well know” Brian nodded and made his way to the elevator.

The elevator-doors where just about to close when AJ came out of his room and screamed for him to keep them open. He closed up his door and jogged towards the elevator.

“Thanks man. I surely would have been late. No good” AJ smiled.

“I realized that” Brian said with a smile.

“I heard Doc Martin on the hallway. Are you okay?” AJ was a little concerned.

He took a good look at Brian and saw how pale he seemed to be.

“I’m fine. Baylee´s sick. He has a fever and has vomited the whole night trough” Brian replied.

“Oh I’m sorry. That’s why you were late this morning?” AJ began to understand.

“Yeah, but I shouldn’t have been. I’m sorry for spoiling your free noon” Brian said letting his head hang once again.

“It’s okay. I was planning on spending it in front of the TV. You might have saved my eyes” AJ joked.

Brian smiled. AJ seemed to be the only one how seemed to care about him anymore. He was acting totally normal. It felt good that there was somebody who didn´t blame him for all the worse in the world.

They stepped out into the business hallway of the hotel and headed for the conference room Kevin had rented. As expected Kevin, Nick and Howie already were there. This conference room was much smaller than the one they met in this morning.
Brian sat down and AJ choose the chair on the opposite of the table.

“Okay I think we can start than” Kevin announced than.

They all nodded.

“What happened this morning was unprofessional. We had to wait for over an hour an than had to start without you, Brian. What do you think the Management of this Producing-Company is thinking of us? We are not beginners. We should act like professionals right know” Kevin started.

“I know” Brian said simply. He felt sick to his stomach although he hadn’t been eating all day. He was so damn tired.

“You know? Well that’s fantastic. Why haven’t you been on time then?” Howie sneered.

Brian was stunned. Howie normally never talked like that. Why were they making such a big deal out of it?

“I said I was sorry” Brian said frustrated.

“Being sorry isn’t enough anymore Brian. Hanson was furious. He wanted to rip your head off. I said that bringing a Backstreet Boy without head on stage wouldn’t help either” Kevin snapped.

He didn’t wanted to be funny, but AJ, Nick and Howie were laughing lout.

Brian again wasn’t laughing at all. Kevin’s statement had some facts in it that were hitting him like a slap.
A sorry wasn’t enough anymore? What did he want to hear? That Baylee and Leighanne were going home to Atlanta? That he would go one with the tour without them.
And bringing a Backstreet Boy without a head up the stage wouldn’t help either? Brian knew that they couldn’t really treat him to do anything. They couldn’t go on without him. Could they? They just needed him up one stage? Than why weren’t they leaving him alone while not performing?

“We once again will have to talk about you have Bay….” Kevin started to say what Brian had him expected to.

“No!” Brian’s voice was calm. He had a headache forming.

“What?” Kevin was startled by Brian not letting him say what he wanted to say.

“No!” Brian repeated. A mayor headache.

“You’re not doing anything for this group. You spent all your time with your wife and son, you are not really working with us. We have to do everything” Nick exclaimed.

Brian felt how he began to pale. He was doing nothing? He remembered that only this morning he had left the side of his sick son and his wife to join a meeting which could have easily taken place without him or even any of them. He was totally shocked and frustrated. He was feeling way to sick to get angry, he just felt disappointed by all of them. But suddenly by AJ the most. He did know about Baylee. He knew what his family meant to him. He knew how he had fought with himself about rejoining the group.

He just looked at AJ, hoping that he would maybe now after all say something. But AJ kept silent, looking down at the table they where sitting at.

“Okay, I can do this. I do whatever they want me to” Brian gave up on hoping for AJ´s help.

“What do you want me to do?” Brian said, again dead calm, not looking at anybody.

“Since Nick and I have been writing the video for JWYTK and have to help the new director along and Howie is gonna help AJ re-plan the live-performance of the song to match with the video more, you should care about the public appearances. With means interviews, shows and all stuff. We can’t all be going all the time” Kevin stated.

“The public stuff?” Brian asked unbelieving

Of course this was what took most of the time. It meant constantly traveling and doing shows. They used to share the work, but one alone? That wasn´t possible.

“Yeah right. Hanson´s gonna give you your schedule” Kevin sneered again.

Brian looked around the first time. All accept AJ seemed to be alright with this. AJ looked uncomfortable with the idea of Brian doing all the stuff they barely were able to do on five.

“And you have to pay a forfeit of $10.000 for being late for a meeting” Kevin added.

$10.000? He couldn’t have cared less.

“That means one shopping less for you wife I guess” Nick grinned.

It wasn’t a nice grin. It was evil. He meant it the way Brian understood it. Couldn’t he leave her alone? Nick never really liked Leighanne. Brian never knew why. She was kind to him as to anybody else.

After that they finished the meeting. Brian was feeling like crap. And it had nothing to do with the things with were said in the meeting. He rushed to the next restroom and barely made it in time. There wasn’t much in his stomach to be thrown up, so Brian collapsed next to the toilet in that little cabin and just cried. He needed this relief right now. This was all so unfair.

Chapter 5: What you can´t do


N picked himself up about half an hour later. His head felt like it was going to explode. He left the toilet cabin and made his way to one of the sinks with some effort. He looked into the mirror into the sweaty and pale face of himself. He splashed a little water around his face, drank some and left to see what the Doc had found out about Baylee.

When Brian opened the door he was greeted by the familiar crying of his little son. He went to the bedroom he and Leighanne shared.

“Hi honey. Is he still not better?” Brian asked while sitting down on the bed next to Leighanne, who had Baylee in her arms.

“Hey yourself. He´s a little better. He´s just exhausted and really tried now.” Leighanne replied.

Baylee had realized that his daddy had finally come back and stopped crying to crawl over into his fathers lap. Baylee had always been a daddy´s boy.

“What did the Doc say?” Brian asked while caressing Baylees blonde hair.

“He said it looked like it was the flu. He´s gonna take a look at him again tomorrow and in the next days. He gave us some medicine to stop the belly ache and the puking” Leighanne watched as Brian was smoothing Bay´s hair.

Baylee had almost calmed down completely. A few snobs escaped his small body as he started to fall asleep.

Brian softly began to sing to him. He didn´t really know if he needed it more than Baylle did.

I'll try to make the sun shine brighter for you
I will even play the fool if it makes you smile
I'll try to make you laugh if there's a tear in your eye
After all is said
After all is done
I'd do anything for you

Come with me, close your eyes
Hold my hand, it'll be alright
Don't be scared, don't be shy
Lift your head it's gonna be alright

As Brian finished Baylee had completely falled asleep. Brian put him down into his own bed and went back to the living room, where Leighanne was waiting for him on the couch.

“Thank god you came back” Leighanne said kissing Brian gently on the check.

“You are hot” she said suddenly.

“Thanks baby” Brian said in a funny deep voice, trying to bring her to other thoughts.

“You have a fever. You might have gotten the flu from Baylee” Leighanne wasn´t taking the joke.

“No honey. Look, I´m fine. I´m just a little upset because of this damn meeting” Brian lied.

“How did it go?” Leighanne wanted to know.

“They made me pay a forfeit. $10.000 I think.”

“That´s not fair” she exclaimed.

“I know...” Brian didn´t wanted to tell her that again the others had been complaining about her and Baylee joining the all tour so far.

She seemed to have read his mind.

“They did it again, didn´t they?” she asked not looking at him.

Brian said nothing.

“Maybe we should go home.” Leighanne was close to tears while saying this.

“No” Brian exclaimed, “no baby, I need you here with me. Both of you.”

“Maybe we should think about this again. Now that Baylee´s sick and the others...” Leighanne was interruped by someone knocking on the door.

Brian sighed and got up to answere it.

“Hi, I just wanted to check on Baylee...and on you” AJ was standing in the hallway looking very uncomfortable.

“Come in” Brian swung the door open for AJ to enter.

“Hi beautiful woman!” AJ said smiling as he saw Leighanne sitting on the couch.

“Hey Alex...nice you came here” they were sharing a tight hug.

All of them sat down again.

“So...hows Baylee? Is he alright? Why are you crying Lee?” AJ asked.

Brian spoke up first: “ He´s better. Just got im to sleep a little.”

“Sounds good. So why have you been crying Lee” AJ could be so stubborn sometimes.

“None of our business” Brian suddenly snapped before Leighanne could answer.

“Hey calm down, whats up with you?” AJ was getting angry.

“What´s up with me? Why are you here? Did Kevin send you to talk to me again or something?” Brian asked harshly.

“I just came over to see how Baylee is. And to talk two you both. Remember we used to do this once?” AJ was getting up.

“You should have talked earlier this day. How about during the meeting?” Brian rised his voice.

“What were you expecting me to do? Tell Kevin and the others to leave you? Tell them it wasn´t you fault?” AJ also rised his voice.

“Yeah, why not?” Brian´s voice suddenly was calm again and sounded hurt.

“Because...I couldn´t Rok. I just couldn´t. I...I need to go.” AJ rushed out of the room.

Brian was after him in a second: “ Wait AJ, I didn´t mean it. I never wanted to snap at you.”

But AJ just kept on running to his room and disappeared.

Brian hung his head, closed the door and went back to the couch.

“What was that about?” Leighanne still looked a little shocked about the fight that had taken place minutes before.

“It was my fault” was all Brian could say before burring his head into Leighannes lap again crying.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Lyrics by Phil Collins – Come with me)

Chapter 6: A gleam of compassion


The concert that night went pretty well. At least for Brian it seamed so considering that he made it through the whole show while still feeling like crap. He was thankful that today there had not been one of these sound check-parties they used to do in most of the cities. Surely the fans would have noticed that there was something going on between the five of them. The usual kidding around and making fun of each other was missing. Mainly because Brian wasn’t the one to start it. He usually was. Had ever been. But he wasn’t up to this. Not today, not with them. He couldn’t just forget.

Despite the fact that he `survived´ the concert, there was not much good left to talk about. He had been very inactive on stage, had just done and said what he was supposed to be. Nothing less, but for sure nothing more.

AJ hadn’t spoken to Brian before the show, and now after it as they were rushing to get to the bus before the fans did, it seemed like he tried to avoid Brian. AJ waited till Brian had chosen a seat on the bus and then took one as far away as possible.

Brian didn’t really care right then. He was exhausted. That definitely hadn’t been his day. He looked forward to be back at the hotel, take a shower and then joining Leighanne in their bed. Tomorrow would be another hectic day as there was a TV-Interview with MTV and two smaller Interviews on various radio-stations as far as he remembered.

He stared out of the window next to him and watched the nightly city passing by. Right now they were in France, the third country in Europe they were about to tour. He decided that he would try to catch some extra sleep on the way back to the hotel since none of the others seemed to care what he was doing. Nick and AJ had a conversation about a slip that had flown onto the stage during JWYTK and what AJ had done with it, since it had magically disappeared by the end of the song. Howie already was asleep. Like always. Kevin… where was Kevin? Brian looked around the bus to see where his older cousin was. Maybe they had left him at the concert hall?

“Hey cuz!” Brian jumped in surprise as he heard the familiar voice of his cousin right behind him. Pleased too early.

Brian looked round to see his cousin coming right over to where he sat. It looked like he had been to the bus toilet.

“There a plenty other seats on the bus, take on of them!” Brian thought while again turning his head to the window.

“Hi Kev!” he replied lamely.

Kevin settled himself next to Brian looking at the younger man.

“Are you ok?” Kevin asked, but Brian noticed that there was a lack of concern in this question.

“Just tired” Brian said.

“I noticed that. I guess everybody did” Kevin sounded ironic.

“Look Kevin. I’m tired, I’m exhausted. And I’m absolutely not up for and long conversations so tell me what the heck you want” anger was building inside Brian. He knew exactly was his cousin wanted.

“Your performance today was…”Kevin started but was interrupted by Brian.

“…was lousy” Brian finished for him. “I know that.”

“You know that?” Kevin’s temper was getting the best of him, “if you do, then tell me why didn’t you do it better?” He had raised his voice by the end of the sentence.

“Stop it Kevin. This is going to bring us nowhere” Howie obviously had woken up when Kevin became louder.

Kevin sighed, then nodded and left the seat next to Brian to go over to Howie. Nick and AJ also had stopped their conversation while the two cousins where about to fight. AJ for the first time since their conversation today looked at Brian. Brian looked back for a second, but then turned to stare at the passing traffic again.

He heard that Johnny, their manager, who was also on the bus talked to Kevin: “…want to talk to you about that later. I have talked to the rest of the heads of the management team and they think that we need a solution here pretty soon.”

No good. Brian had a feeling that soon the decision whether or not Baylee and Leighanne would still be joining the tour wasn’t theirs anymore. He needed to talk to his lawyer, there was no other way. Could they forbid him to have his family around? What if they could? There was no way he would leave them in Atlanta while traveling around the world for months. Would he need to leave the group? Could he leave the group? His thoughts were rushing through his head. Inside he began to panic.

Howie listened to the conversation between Johnny and Kevin. He thought it was good that soon there would be some decision to be made. He looked over to Brian. He was sure that he had noticed Brian overhearing some word. Now he was staring out of the window, but he seemed upset.

“What does he think?” Howie questioned himself.

“What would you be thinking?” came the reply of his insides.

Howie studied Brian for some second more. He looked pale. Maybe that was due to the light in the bus? Howie didn’t dislike Brian. It was just that he never had a real bond with him. They weren’t on the same platform. He often didn’t like all the mess Nick and Brian could make. They were chaos. They were making fun of him. He, Howie, had like Brian never done anything really wrong, there were no affairs and no drinking antics. Nothing. He had a good family. Like Brian had. Now why were there rumors about him being gay and not about Brian? Why was Brian still, although he was married now, still more popular? Why did this guy, how seemed to have no yet outgrown elementary school have all the things he was supposed to have?

Now Howie was satisfied. The small amount of compassion for Brian and his twisted situation had quickly been washed away by the thoughts of how unfair life had been by sharing its pleasures between the two of them.

And wasn’t it true? Brian had had less time for all of them and their work nowadays. This was his job. His father also had to go to work every day when he was the dad to five children, him being the youngest. Surely Baylee wouldn’t died if he got to see his father a little bit less often.

Chapter 7: Keep good memories for the future

Back at the hotel Brian made his way directly to his room. Normally they would have had a small celebration of another gone-by concert, but surely Brian wouldn’t have attended it.

As he went into his bedroom he saw his wife lying in bed sound asleep next to a thankfully also deep sleeping Baylee. He went into the bathroom wearing a smile on his face. This was the sight making him go on and on every day, even it was hard like today. He was sure he would have gone crazy if he wouldn't have had them during the break.

He undressed and stepped into the shower, turning the water on as hot as possible, since his body still felt like he was going to get sick. As he stood underneath the water he began thinking about the day which for sure hasn’t been one of his greatest ever. But soon this day would be over and he would be sleeping next to his wife and son, dreaming and forgetting the whole day. But for how long? How long could he took it for granted to come back to the hotel after another concert and be greeted be his family? What if the management and the guys really made Leighanne go home with Baylee? His short feeling of happiness which the sight of his family had brought to him had vanished not leaving a single trace. Brian wasn't even tired anymore.

He left the shower, dried himself off and put on a pair of boxers and a t-shirt. He left for the bedroom. There they were. Both still asleep. Only a little lamp on the nightstand was still turned on. Leighanne had left it turned on for him to find his way to the bed safely as Brian knew.

Although Leighanne had again started to asked this afternoon after the meeting whether the guys had complained once more that she and Baylee were still there, she had no clue how serious the situation seemed this time.

Soon the decision whether they both be staying or not wouldn't be theirs anymore.

He made a mental note to himself to call his lawyer the next day.

Brian couldn't sleep at all. Too many thoughts were running through his head right now. He sat down in one of the armchairs which were located in the bedroom just to make it look fuller and more comfortable.

The small light threw a soft light on the sleeping forms of his family

What would be if they weren’t with him?



Nick stood in his room wondering what he should do right now. The private “after-show party” they normally held after a concert was skipped without anyone saying a single word of it.

This hadn’t been a good day. First the more or less unnecessary meeting this morning, then the cancelled noon off. And then the concert which, as a matter of fact, had been one of the lousiest ever. He had tried to lighten the mood during the concert by making funny comments and stuff, but without Brian as a backup it didn't really work out.
Damn him. Why had he to be late this morning? They could have had a really cool day and therefore a real good concert. But instead?

Where had the time gone when he and Brian would both be late for a meeting like that because they had shared a room and stayed up all night? When did he start to not know what to do on tour? Normally he was excited about every single day of it, because there was always something to look forward to.

Nowadays free days or afternoons were filled with boredom. Brian now would spend the time with his family. Had he usually really be spending all his time with Brian? It looked so, because he couldn't think of anything to do without him being around.

His gaze fell to the PS2 on the floor in front of the TV. He had been playing right before they needed to leave for the concert. But he wasn't in the mood right now. It also seemed boring.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Flashback ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I'll get you!” an excited Nick yelled while wildly pressing the buttons of his controller.

“Yeah right. Maybe I'll wait for you right after the finish line!” Brian yelled back.

“Arrrgggghhhh” Nick growled back. He couldn't stand loosing to Brian.

They were playing “Mario-Kart” in one of the too many hotel rooms on the “Backstreet’s back-Tour” in Europe. It was close to midnight. Nick had been to het up to sleep right after the concert. And when he wasn't able to sleep he often started to get homesick. When he had started to cry Brian, in the bed next to him, had immediately woken up. He had comforted Nick and then suggested to play a little Nintendo to get Nicks mind away from home.

Of course it worked.

They had been playing quite a while when suddenly Kevin stormed into the room furiously about them being still awake and also being so loud.

After ordering them to stop playing he had been on Nick’s heels again.

“I guess you have been homesick again? Nick, you finally…” he was interrupted by Brian.

“No Kev, I wasn't sleepy so I asked him to challenge me in Mario-Kart. You know him, he couldn't say no” Brian jumped in for his friend.

“Brian, you are way too old for this” Kevin started what looked like to become a long lecture to his younger cousin again.

“But…” Nick didn't want to be the cause of trouble for his best friend.

“No, Nick. You go to bed. I guess I have to talk o my little cousin once again!” Kevin ordered.

Nick didn't like to leave but when Kevin wasn't watching Brian rolled his eyes and gave Nick the thumbs-up sign.
Later when Brian came to bed as well he was smiling and telling Nick that he had no clue what Kevin been talking about since he, Brian, had been singing “When the saints go marching in” over and over in his head.

They both were laughing so hard that they were afraid Kevin might be back in seconds…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~End of flashback~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nick decided to finally go to bed.

While he was undressing a familiar song kept running through his head and he quietly singing to himself. “Oh when the saints/go marching in/oh when the saints go marching in…”

Chapter 8: A wise decision?


Brian kept his promise to call his lawyer the next morning. Well, it wasn’t really morning since it was half past three that night. He hadn't slept. He wanted to look at his family for as long as possible.

Now he finally left the armchair he had been sitting in the whole night through and went to the living room. He took his cell out of the backpack he used to take to the concerts with him. He dialled the all too familiar number of his lawyer, Marc Bristol. Since Bristol was living in L.A. Brian did not hesitate to call him right now.

Bristol picked up the phone immediately.

“This is Marc Bristol?”

“Hey Marc, this is Brian. How are you doing?” Brian asked politely.

“Well, I’m fine. Did you know that I had a meeting with Barry Steven and Bob Curlin today?” Bristol asked.

Steven and Curlin were Kevin's and Howie´s lawyers.

“No I didn't” Brian said. He wasn't really caring.

“Yeah we talked about the development in the Pearlman-process…” Bristol obviously wanted to start telling him everything new.

“Look, Marc. Don't get this wrong but I don't care about Pearlman right now. There is something else I want you to check.” Brian interrupted.

“Oh…ok. Now I'm curious. Shot.” Bristol now really seemed to be interested.

Brian told Bristol the whole situation and asked him to take a closer look at his contract whether the management really had the right to make his family go home.

“Man, this is tricky. So I'm gonna look if there's any way for us to achieve that Leighanne and Baylee can stay and join or, if there is not way…you really wanna do that?” Bristol summarized his tasks now.

“No, I don't. But if there is no other way…” Brian said quietly.

“I see. I'll do what ever you want.” Bristol sounded a little hesitant.

“Marc, I never wanted it to go this way. That wasn’t really my decision. Do what you can. Call me as soon as possible. And…Marc, don't tell Steven and Curlin or anyone else.”

“But I will have to investigate and or management might notice what I'm trying to do.” Bristol explained.

“That's okay. If they notice, we can't help. Just don't go telling anybody.” Brian sighed.

“Okay, I'm gonna call you back ASAP.” Bristol said.

“Alright. Bye.” Brian hung up.

He took a deep breath. What if he really had to go that far? He tried not to think about that. It was now 4 a.m. Brian decided to go back to his spot in the armchair in he bedroom.



Kevin also had a troubled night. He had been asleep till now, but had set his alarm clock to call his wife in New York.

He dialled the number and waited for his wife to pick up her cell.

“Hey Kevy. I was just thinking about you!” she greeted him.

“Hey baby. How are you?” Kevin was pleased to hear the voice of his wife again. He had missed her.

But otherwise than other specific Backstreet wives his Kristin had her own career to care about. Their marriage was different from the one that Brian and Leighanne had. They were both working, they had other things on their mind than pamper some dogs or attend stupid TV-shows.

“Or care for a baby” a bitter voice said in his head.

That was true. Kristin and he had tried to have children on their own. But they wouldn't get pregnant. They both had been checked if they were able to have children. Both were. But it wouldn't work. They blamed it on everything. On the pressure of fame, on the problems they had had during their marriage, on everything in the world. And when Leighanne, who over he time had become a close friend to Kristin, had called and happily told them they she and Brian were expecting a baby, their joy was understandable limited.

Now Brian had told him and the other guys that Leighanne and Baylee were about to join in while touring, they were all okay with it. But suddenly Kevin had discovered how much it hurt him to see Brian playing the daddy-role for his son and how perfect this little family was. He had asked Kristin whether she also wanted to join, but as she had just started rehearsals for a new musical she was doing, she said no.

He listened to Kristin telling him everything about the new job thinking how much more he would appreciate if she was here with him. But he had learned during their marriage that Kristin had her own opinion about this kind of stuff. They had had several fights about something like this, which had given their friends a lot of stuff to talk about.

Very wisely Kevin didn't tell Kristin about the plans of the management and their own plans to make Leighanne go home to get Brian `back´ into the group. He somehow knew she wouldn't understand that. But they needed Brian now, more than ever. The success they had with the new album and the singles they had brought out so far was incredible and never to be expected. Now it looked like all the success they had had before had just been another step to something bigger and greater than everything so far. And Brian just didn't care. He was beng selfish, so Kevin thought.

“This is strange. He wasn't raised to be selfish. Maybe the fame and the money at least have also taken their tolls on Brian” Kevin thought while still listening to his wife on the phone.

“Kevin, are you listening to what I'm trying to tell you?” Kristin asked sounding angry by now.

“Yes dear, what do you think?” Kevin lied and continued to think how everything would go on from here.

Chapter 9: Influences

The next day went by pretty eventless. They did the TV-stuff and all these interviews and since there was no concert that night, they were free after dinner.

Brian still hadn't told Leighanne about the things that might were coming towards them. Baylee had gotten a little better and after they had put him to bed, Brian decided that he needed to talk to Leighanne.

“Baby, we need to talk” Brian was standing by the windows in their living room at the hotel starring out onto the city below him.

“You sound serious.” Leighanne sounded a little bit concerned. Although Brian couldn´t see her, he could picture how she was frowning her brows as she always used to do when some kind of problem was coming up.

“I am” Brian kept looking out of the window.

“Now you got me really concerned.” Leighanne stated the obviously.

Brian turned around, now facing his wife. Leighanne studied him. He had lost some of the weight he had gained during their pregnancy and the break from his career. He really had become slim again, almost skinny. And now, as he was standing there, looking concerned, Leighanne noticed that her husband somehow looked sick – even more than he had yesterday. He almost looked fragile as she tried to read in his eyes – these eyes she had fallen for on first sight.

“Remember yesterday? We stared to talk about these complaints about…”He trailed off. This was hard.

“About me and Baylee leaving?” she had expected this. It had become an all-too-familiar topic.

He simply nodded “Yesterday – after the concert…” again he didn't finish his sentence.

Leighanne waited patiently for him to continue.

“Looks like management will soon be involved into this”, he finally said.

“They will?” Leighanne was shocked. They had never expected this.

“Yeah, I guess. I called Marc this morning”, he informed her.

“What did he say?”

“He's after this. There has to be a way…I asked him to check if the management really has got the power to…”, he was at a loss of words.

“Maybe we should just go…” Leighanne said again. She nowadays was feeling really uncomfortable, somehow unwanted.

“No, please.” He was almost pleading, “I need you. Maybe now more than ever before. I don´t want them to win easy like this. I had these people influencing and planning my life too often, in too many ways.”

Leighanne knew that through the last sentence he was referring to the time their management had made him cancel his heart-surgery two times. His trust in them had been incurable damaged at that time – one of the reasons the Boys had split from them. Now they were back with part of that management from the old days. A fact, that Brian had never been happy about. He tried not to speak to Johnny and Donna if even possible. He was happy that Kevin was doing most of theses business things so that he could minimize his contact with them as much as possible. He also had sent Marc to the first meeting with the Wrights after it was clear that they’d be their management again, instead of showing up himself, like Kevin, AJ, Howie and Nock had done. They have had some conversations bout that afterwards, but he didn't care. It had done the trick. Johnny had understand that Brian hadn't forgotten about their past. And that he wasn't ready to go back to a friendly relationship like the others had done. It worked. They had given him more time to sign the new contract. He was the last to sign. They never had put any pressure on him – until now.

“What do you mean by `I need you more now than ever´” Leighanne was wondering what he was planning.

Brian turned his back on his wife, now again watching the nightly city. He said nothing for some minutes. She watched her husbands back.

“If they are able to make you go home and there is no way for me to prevent this…”he said, turning again and now looking directly into Leighannne´s eyes, “then I'm done being a Backstreet Boys.”




AJ was sitting on the balcony that belonged to his room, relaxing. He was smoking a cigarette thinking nothing in particular. Sudden he needed to cough.

“Maybe I should stop smoking” he thought.

How many times had Kevin and Howie and even Nick tried to lecture him about how his smoking could damage his voice or even threaten his health?

“At least they know how to set their priorities –voice goes first”, he thought with a bitter smile.

Brian on the other hand had never done that. But he had been the only one who really got him thinking abput quitting. Brian hadn't said that he should stop smoking, he simply hadn't allowed him to smoke inside his house in Atlanta when AJ had visited them. One day when he had been in the garden again smoking, Brain had come out too…


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Flashback~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Needed it again?” Brian said standing next to him, but not looking at him.

“Yeah, I know I suck”, he had said.

“No you don't. I don't like you smoking, but you are old enough to decide yourself if you do”, Brian said still scanning the garden instead of looking at him.

“You don't want me to stop?” AJ asked disbelieving. Wasn't Brian the Backstreet Boy on the health trip?

“I would prefer it, but I won't make you stop. You are a grown man and able to live with your decisions and the results. Just make sure Baylee isn't around when you smoke.” Brian had walked back into the house.

He had looked at his cigarette. He hadn't felt like smoking anymore. He threw it away and followed Brian into the house.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~End of flashback~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Again AJ felt like disappointing Brian. He was the only one really making him feel like he was a normal person with own decisions again. He made him feel like a human being, a man, able to stand his ground, not like a fragile ex-addicted like the others did from time to time.

He threw the not even half finished cigarette off the balcony.

“Damn him!” AJ thought with a smile.

Chapter 10: Sticky situations


To Brian the next two days passed by in a blur. The flu Baylee suffered from before now really had laid its hand on Brian. But there was no way of getting ill right now. He couldn't accept that. That would have added fuel to their fire. So Brian simply took some painkillers to make the headache go away and pretend like nothing was wrong with him. Until now this had been working out fine.

Marc hadn't called so far and Brian didn't know what to this about this. Was this good? He also hadn't heard anything from their management so far, but he had the uncomfortable feeling that something was going on.

He barely had any time to spend with Leighanne or Baylee since now Hanson had kicked into action and had made sure that his schedule was completely packed. This `new´ responsibilities in public relations major sucked.

Brian had never liked Hanson. But now he hated him, with a passion. Not only that Hanson seemed to love nothing more than tying him up in an inhuman schedule, he also had a great time trying to push Brian’s buttons. Nowadays this was easy to be done.

Thankfully the others were also pretty busy now that the video shoot came nearer and the show needed to be changed due to that. He was glad when another day passed with nothing happening, but this constant feeling of being hunted almost made him go sicker than this stupid flu. He would carry on service Hanson as long as they left his family alone.

Now he walked up to his room exhausted, wanting nothing more than to shower and spent some time with his family when his cell phone rang. He picked up not checking the caller ID since he expected Marc to call.

But it wasn't Marc. It was Johnny Wright.

“Hello Brian, this is Johnny. How are things going?” Johnny asked on the other side.

Immediately a picture popped up in Brian's bed. Johnny at his bedside, barely one week after the surgery. `Just checking´, and making sure that Brian wouldn't forget to be up again in seven weeks from now on because then the concert in Charlotte was due and there was no way of cancelling it or do it without him.

“Brian, are you there?”

“Yeah, yeah sorry. I just had to find my room key. What's up?” Brian tried to be gentle.

“Just checking how thing are going…” Johnny replied. He had never done this before. So much for being gentle.

“Yeah right, Johnny. Everything is fine. So what is it that you really want?” He sounded harsh by now.

“Okay, if you want it that way.” Johnny also skipped the gentle part. “Next Sunday, which was off so far, there´ll be a huge meeting with complete management and all. In Paris. You´ll get order were exactly it takes place. Hope you'll be there in person this time. I think you know what it's about? But added to this you'll guys get new contracts, now that you became this successful again… I'll expect you there. Make sure you’re on time. And Brian…” he trailed off.

“What?” Brian spat.

“…keep Bristol out of this business!” with that he had hung up.

“Fuck you!” Brian hissed into the phone, but of cause Johnny hadn't been able to hear that.

New contracts? And how did he know about Marc? Suddenly everything made sense. Johnny noticed or had been informed that his lawyer was investigating on his contract. Maybe he even knew which facts Marc had looked up in first place. There was a way, a gap in their contract allowing him whether to take along whom ever he wanted or to quit out of some reasons. And Johnny knew this. And now he wanted to fill this gap by offering new contracts. Not only offering, probably the management would force them to accept the new contracts. Brian knew they could as long as they were with better conditions for the five of them.

Brian wanted to scream. This was more than unfair; this was beyond everything the management had put them through so far.

Brian realized that he was still standing in front of his hotel room key card in his hands. Suddenly he felt that, if he would see his wife and his son right now, he would break down. He put his key back in his pocket and left for the elevator again. He had the plan to go down to the bar to have a drink and think bout everything before he would go back to Leighanne.

He looked at his watch. 9.00 p.m. Baylee maybe was already in bed nevertheless, so he pushed the button for the first floor and went to the bar.

Not many people were around, which he was thankful for. He pushed the cap he had been wearing the whole day deeper into his way and made his way over to a table in the far corner.

He sat down scanning the room. That was something he got used to over the years. There was absolutely no sign of a reporter or anybody else who shouldn't see a Backstreet Boy sitting in the hotel bar.

When the waiter came he ordered a beer. He wasn't a heavy drinker. He remembered getting really drunk once with AJ at his room in the hotel. He had had a fight with his girlfriend of that time. How long was that ago? Almost ten years now? Time had gone by quickly.

After that experience he usually stayed away from alcohol. He sometimes had some beers with his brother or his brothers-in-law, but normally nothing more. Seeing one of his best friends suffering from that stuff had made him realize that it was more that a drink for adults.

Brian received his beer and looked at it trying to think of a way out of his fucked-up situation. Suddenly he heard a familiar voice.

“Is this seat already taken?” AJ asked in his specific way.

“Would you take a `No´ for an answer?” Brian asked without taking his gaze from the glass.

AJ sat down “What do you think?”

Brian didn't reply.

“Did you have a phone call from Johnny?” AJ looked at his friend. He felt compassion for him. He looked sick, like he had done days before.

Brian nodded, now drinking from his beer.

“Bri, when was the last time you slept?” AJ was concerned.

Brian shrugged his shoulders. He kept drinking.

“It won't help, ya know?” AJ looked as Brian finished his glass.

Brian looked up. Tears were in his eyes as he looked at his friend.

“Leave me, AJ.” Then he buried his head in his arms and simply let the ears flow.

***************************************************************************
Hi y´all. Sorry for the lack of updates, but I was kinda sick the last week and couldn't sit down at my PC to write this chaptor down, but I came up with some really good ideas for the story so from now on updates should be more regular. Thanks for the reviews by the way.
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Chapter 11: False conclusions


When AJ was back in his room that night, or better to say, early the next morning, he felt the urge to drink. More than ever the last three years. It had been a tough night.

Of course he hadn't left when Brian broke down in that bar. But Brian hadn’t spoken much. He just said that the pressure everybody put onto his shoulders was becoming too much for him. AJ hadn't believed that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Flashback~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So…” AJ said, not knowing where exactly to start.

“So what!” Brian never looked up.

“What about Leighanne and Baylee?” he asked carefully.

“What about them?” Brian kept looking at his new glass of beer.

“You know…the thing that…they might have to leave..?” AJ was confused.

“They'll not.” Brian's voice was dead calm when he said that.

“But…” AJ wasn’t stupid, but he needed Brian to open up more.

“NO, AJ” Brian now looked up into AJ´s eyes.

AJ could see hurt and disappointment in them. He was shocked when he noticed that they had turned from the shine blue to a glassy shade of grey.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~End of Flashback~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He had changed the topic then, although it was mainly him talking. Brian barely said a word. He had hoped that if they would talk about something different, and Brian would continue to drink some beer, he would open up a little more later on. But that hadn't worked out.

So AJ had just sat there watching as Brian drank some more beers. He hadn't been drunk, maybe a little intoxicated, but not drunk.

He had finally made Brian come with him and so they left the bar around 2.00 a.m. Brian had disappeared into his room.

AJ was furious that he hadn't gotten Brian to talk about everything that seemed to bother him. He had the feeling that his friend might do something stupid if they made his family go home.

Hell that was totally to be understood. If Leighanne and Baylee really had to go home, Brian would get to see his son maybe once a month. That was if he was lucky.



Brian went into his hotel room to find Leighanne up and awake on the couch in the living room area. He had hoped that if he would drink a little he might be able to get some sleep tonight. He hadn't really been sleeping the last days.

Leighanne looked up as her husband opened the door to their room. He looked like a mess. As if he had cried. And she could tell that he had been drinking.

“I was worried” she said softly.

“Sorry about making you.” Brian slowly walked over to her.

“Why have you been drinking?” Leighanne put a hand on Brian's check when he had sat down.

“Don't know.” He said closing his eyes.

“Brian, you have to stop doing this to yourself. You are worried sick; they make you work like a maniac.” Leighanne pulled his husband in a close embrace.

She slowly caressed his neck.

They pulled apart, looked at each other. Brian finally got up, pulling her with him, smiling slightly. They went to the bedroom not saying another word.



When Kevin had gotten back into the hotel after the meeting he an Nick had done at the Video-Company he felt far from being tired. He had been sitting the whole day and therefore felt the urge o do something, even if it was late in the evening already. So Kevin decided to pay the hotel bar a little visit.

“What the hell...”Kevin muttered out lout when he went into the bar. From his point of view he could only see AJ sitting at a table far away from the door, “he couldn't be doing this again, could he?”

Kevin immediately headed for the table he had spotted AJ at, his big brother intentions kicking in. He was about to make a scene in front of everyone again, but then he saw his cousin.

“He looks like shit” was the first thought Kevin got.

He tried to get a closer look at his cousin. He instantly saw Brian's swollen eyes and the way his eyes were starring blankly at nothing and that was all he needed to become really angry at his cousin.

He's drunk. Totally drunk. And that with AJ sitting in front of him. What kind of a person had his little cousin become? His unreliable behaviour, his selfishness, that wasn't Brian at all! Were this all results of his marriage to Leighanne?

Maybe that was the reason for Brian's behaviour. Maybe he was going the same way AJ did? But Kevin wasn't going to show any compassion. He had have compassion for AJ´s situation. But not for Brian. He had been old enough to cope with the fame, he did have a family. And he had seen AJ´s suffering. HE had no excuses for becoming an alcoholic.

“I never thought he could be this irresponsible. He has a son who should be looking up to his father. I would never give my son a reason to be ashamed of me.” Kevin bitterly thought.

“Can I help you Sir?” a young female voice got him out of his thoughts.

He looked at the waitress which was standing next to him waiting politely for him to answer.

“No, I'm sorry. I think I'm tired, I'm gonna go to bed now,“ he gave her a excusive smile and she left.

Kevin turned around and went for the elevators to go up in his room. In his mind a newly extraordinary Backstreet internal meeting took shape. This time he would point his opinions out straight.

“Let's see how Brian's gonna take this.” He grimaced while boarding the elevator.

Chapter 12: Accusation


The next morning Brian again was woken up by the ringing of his phone. He had a small hang-over, but at least he had gotten some sleep; not much, considering that it was 7 in the morning, his watch told him.

“No please, am I late again for something?” he was wondering while hurrying to get up and to the phone. “no…I'm sure this morning was off…am I sure…damn!”

“Yeah?” he asked as he picked up expecting nothing good.

“Morning Brian. This is Kevin. I want you down in the conference room in ten minutes”, Kevin commanded.

“Whoa there, where's the fire? I don't know about you but my morning was supposed to be free…ya know F-R-E-E!” Brian wasn't trying to hide his anger.

“For you to write it down: You are going to be in the conference room in ten minutes from now on. I already called the others. Don't make us wait – again!” Kevin wasn't angry at all, he was furious.

Brian wanted to smart back, but Kevin had already hung up.

“Shit!” Brian hissed. He knew there was no way of not following Kevin's `wish´. He already had ninety per cent of the Backstreet Stuff up his back… Marc told him to avoid any more trouble, to have a better position later on, he said…

If there really would be a need to have a good position…

While dressing without taking a shower and hurrying out of his room and down the hall, Brian was again thinking about his situation. He realized that he still didn’t really believe the things which were going on. Would the same people he had had so much fun with, he had had the biggest success with and some of the best times in his life really make his family go home and him leaving the group?

Brian was slightly shaking his head while the elevator reached the floor the conference room was on. “When did we start to use conference rooms to have interior group meetings?” he wondered while entering the room.

He was somewhat pleased to see that he wasn't the last to arrive. Howie and Kevin (of course) were already sitting at the table, but Nick and AJ still weren't here.

“Morning D!” he greeted Howie while sitting down as far as possible from Kevin.

“Hey Bri…sorry to say this, but you look like shit!” Howie simply stated.

“Don I?” Brian wondered in his head. I'm feeling better that I have the whole last week.

“My dear cousin wouldn't let me take a shower”, he growled in Kevin's directions.

“Why wouldn't he? He called me about an hour ago or so…there was plenty of time then!” Howie sounded a little annoyed like saying “you should have better excuses for oversleeping”.

“Well, he called me like ten minutes ago!” he exclaimed.

“Tried to reach you earlier though, but you weren't answering you cell”, Kevin explained raising his voice a little bit.

“You are lying!” Brian thought. He wasn't a heavy sleeper, and even if he wouldn't have woken up…Leighanne surely would have.

While he thought whether or not he should tell Howie that he thought Kevin was lying Nick entered the room, looking ready to kill any of them with his bare hands. “Maybe at least I'm not the only one being informed way too late”, Brian thought smiling.

“How can you be smiling at this time of day?” Nick snapped at him, “I hate to be woken up at 6 in the morning on a FREE day.”

Or he really was the only one. Nick had been woken up at 6? Why had he been woken up at 7?

“Where's AJ?” Kevin sneered.

“Depends on what time you called HIM!” Brian couldn't stop himself snapping back.

Kevin was giving him the “no-step-further”-look he used millions of time for Nick and himself. Even on live-TV…no one ever noticed…well, accept Nick and him, of course. That was a long time ago.

“I called him when I called everybody else, but I heard he had a long night yesterday…” Kevin said looking directly at Brian.

“Good thing I made him come down here without showering and stuff. The others are about to see that he has been drunk yesterday. There is no way out for him!” Kevin thought looking in Brian's sleepy blue eyes. “His eyes kind of look grey… He looks exhausted. Good thing the meeting concerning Leighanne’s staying with the group will take place in two days when we are in Paris!”

Brian locked eyes with Kevin for only some seconds. What there concern in them? At least now he knew what this meeting was all about. Surely Kevin had heard about him and AJ´s evening in the bar.

Brian suddenly felt guilty. It was his fault AJ maybe would get into trouble, although all AJ had asked for after re-joining the group was the forgiveness and the trust of his `brothers´ back, and maybe now he was ruining everything for AJ. His gaze dropped back to the table.

Seconds later AJ walked into the room. He looked as grumpy as Nick and collapsed into the seat next to Brian mumbling his morning greetings.

Kevin spoke up “Looks like we are finally complete!”
“Yeah sorry for being late!” AJ exclaimed.

“Well, actually that helped me to get straight to the point of this meeting”, Kevin explained.

“Now it’s going to be interesting. I wanna know what ruined my free morning again!” Nick ironically stated, still looking annoyed and ready to kill as soon as he knew who the cause of this meeting was.

“AJ, I thought you were done with staying out late and spending your evenings in the bar?” Kevin suddenly asked out of the blue.

“God, leave him alone”, Brian thought.

“Well, I…what?” AJ was confused.

“That was my fault. I was in the bar having a beer and AJ came down and we talked. Yeah, it was late, but since he morning was supposed to be off…” Brian now had raised his head looking directly at Kevin.

“I can't believe you. Are you going to tell me that you were getting drunk with AJ around in a public bar where everybody could see both of you?” Kevin almost screamed.

Nick and Howie had followed the discussion quietly so far, turning their heads from Kevin to AJ and Brian as if they were watching a tennis match.

“Firstly, Brian wasn't getting drunk. Secondly, I would have told him if I would have had a problem if he'd gotten drunk. And thirdly…a public bar, Kevin? It was the God-damn hotel bar!” AJ snapped back.

“I don't want to see you in a bar, AJ. And I don't want to see you in a bar. And I don't like my cousin getting drunk” now Kevin looked from AJ to Brian, “You have you son around, do you really want him to see you this way? How often do you get drunk like this? Is this the reason you are being so unreliable and selfish? Haven't you seen with your own eyes what alcohol can do to you? I don't know you anymore, Brian.”

Brian looked at Kevin as if he had been taking in Chinese.

“This is not true! I'm still in bed dreaming, this is a wired, wicked dream and nothing else!” Brian kept telling himself over and over again.

Kevin took Brian's quietness as a silent approval of what he had said.

Angry about the thought that all he said was really true his rage built up even more.

“I'm ashamed of you as my cousin. And as a part of this group. I can't believe you…” Kevin wanted to say more, but in this moment Brian was on his feet and stormed out of the room not saying another word.

Chapter 13: Bad luck


When Brian had left the room, AJ also was about to head out of the room. He was angry, for some good reason, but he knew that too much had happened in the past so that he just tried to stay calm and leave. But obviously Nick had other plans.

“Stay, AJ! I think we should talk this through. With or without Brian!” AJ was impressed how adult Nick could sound if he wanted to.

He hesitated. He had planned on following Brian and talk to him.

“There is no need to talk to him right now. Let him calm down”, Howie said looking deep in AJ´s eyes.

“Yeez, D. Could you stop reading my mind?” AJ thought while sitting down again.

Howie couldn’t help but smile at the obvious confusion at his friends face. “I have known you quite a while now!”

“Yeah, scary!” AJ said with a smile. Howie used to be his closest buddy, but nowadays… his smile faded. “I should go see Brian!” he thought again.

“I think we should talk about our plans on the Paris-Meeting!” Kevin interrupted AJ´s thoughts.

“What plans?” AJ asked surprised.

“Well, you know what this meeting is about?” Kevin asked.

“Well, parts of the topics…”, he trailed off.

“Main topic will be Brian and his family as you know very well!” Nick said ironically.

Were they going to stop this crap? AJ wondered if he and Brian had been fooled by the attitude of their friends. They sure were against Leigh and Baylee leaving. As they should be. Maybe the played along so that the management thought it was save to force Brian to sent them home? AJ smiled and waited for the others to tell what they had planned on doing…

**********************************************************************

He wasn’t sure were he was going. This hotel sure was huge. He headed for the directions a sign had told him the next elevator was. He hadn't taken the easy way away from the conference room. He was sure one of the others was trying to follow him. But he wanted to be alone right now.

He reached to elevator and pushed the button for the first floor. He immediately regret his decision as the door opened and he was greeted be a shriek. “BRIIIIIIAAAAAANNN!” – “OHHH MYYY GOOOOODD. IT`SSSS HIIMMM!

He was too startled to do anything like leaving the small room of the elevator before the bunch of screaming girl who had been waiting in the entrance hall for them crushed into him full force.

These weren’t the fans he liked. These were what they called “Fanatics”, crazy girls who´d do anything to just get a look at them, not to speak about a grab. But they were also the dangerous ones, because the never really seemed to think of what they were doing.

“Hold on girl! Would you let me breath?” He almost shouted.

Were have these girls come from? There were like twenty on them. Why hadn't security “asked” them to leave?

The twenty of them tried to force their way into the elevator. Brian was pressed against the back of the elevator, the girls pressed against himself as the ones in the back tried to get closer to him.

“ARE YOU CRAZY??? STOP PUSHING!” Brian shouted, but considered that shouting wasn’t helping him to breath. Were was the security.

Brian saw that a little girl, maybe aged 16 to his left was crying and trying to breath. She was shocked and looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Brian once again tried to free himself a little by pushing back the girls, but of course there was no way of pushing back a crowd of crazed teenyboppers.

His gaze again feel to the small girl he had watched before, just in time to see her eyes roll back in the head which dropped and crashed against the wall left to him.

Then he heard the shouts of “GET OUT OF THE ELEVATOR!” and “GO AWAY! STOP IT!”. He recognised the voices as Tom's and Bubbas, their head securities just before the last bit of oxygen emerged for him lungs and darkness surrounded him.

************************************************************************

AJ´s smile had faded as soon as it had spread. The hopes he had had left into his friends had been destroyed as he had listened to their “plan”. He felt sick. This were his friends?

“So that’s what we gonna do. It’s the only way!” Kevin summarised.

“No, its not!” AJ had said this out lout before even thinking about it.

“What do you mean?” Kevin's eyes starred into AJ`s.

“Stop this crap. It’s bullshit, and you know this. You are …”; he was interrupted by Nick.

Again his voice was calm and sounded mature. “AJ, do you think this is a proper way of showing us that it was right to forgive you and put our trusts in you again?”

AJ gulped.

“I guess you have to take part of one side! Whether on Brian's, or on ours and the management’s.

AJ was sure he was going to vomit onto the table any second. Choosing sides? Between Brian and them? Were was this going? This was crazy…it was insane..

Suddenly the door busted open. Bubba, their master bodyguard was standing there, looking exhausted and rugged, breathing heavily.

“Bubba, this is an interior meeting, you know…”, Kevin was about to lecture the one head taller and three times broader black man about manners and stuff, but again was interrupted by the bodyguard.

“Guys, there was an accident…”

Chapter 14:Questioning


“An accident?” Howie asked, speaking up for the first time.

“Yeah, you know…it kinda happened that some girls could slip into the entrance hall and then spotted Brian down there…” Bubba was interrupted by AJ.

“Is he okay?” AJ was concerned.

“He and three of the girl where brought to the nearby hospital”, Bubba explained, trying not to show how feared he was to be asked how all of this could have happened.

“Hospital? How many girls have there been?” Kevin asked sharply.

“About twenty…” Bubba trailed off.

“Twenty? Where were you and your lot?” Nick exclaimed angrily

“You know…”, Bubba started, not knowing how to make his mistake sound less like a mistake.

He stopped dead as AJ brushed past him shouting.

“I don´t want to listen to this! I want to go to the hospital. Bubba get me a ride!” he demanded on making his way out of the room.

AJ couldn´t believe what had happened today. First this meeting crap with Kevin, the accusations of his oldest brother, then he was asked to ‘choose’ whether to support Nick, Howie and Kevin and the management and be a ‘good boy’ or being the bad guy again and side with Brian, then this ‘accident’ and now Brian was in the hospital.

He rushed to the elevator and pushed the button to the floor they had booked. He wanted to get to Leighanne, since they had also become close friends during the time AJ stayed at Brian’s and Leigh’s house in Atlanta.

As he wanted to knock on the door it already opened and Leighanne practically ran into him with Baylee on her arm.

“Hi Leigh. You going to the hospital?” He asked.

“Yeah, Bubba wanted to get me a ride. You coming along?” it sounded more like a plea than a question.

“Of course.”

************************************************************************

Brian opened his eyes, wondering where he was.

The room was bright white and there was an unknown man dressed in a white cloak examining some x-rays.

“A doctor?” Brian wondered.

Then he remembered. The elevator, the fans pushing in. The little girl falling senseless…

“Is the girl alright?” he asked, shocked how hoarse his voice was sounding barely above a whisper.

The doctor turned, little surprised that his patient suddenly talked to him.

“Ah, Mr. Littrell. Finally awake. How are you feeling?” he said coming close to the bed Brian was lying on.

Brian stayed silent for a second trying to decide how he actually felt. His rips and back started to hurt badly as he thought of it.

“Urrgh, I think I have been better before!” he pressed through clenched teeth.

“I´ll tell the nurse to give you something for the pain. You have some broken rips and a bruised kidney and back. That´s why you can move your legs properly right now, but it´ll be gonna in a day or two!” the doctor explained to Brian obviously trying to sound comforting.

Brian hadn´t even realized that he had problems moving his legs. He felt much to exhausted to move much at all. The pain really was bad.

“How´s the girl?” he asked suddenly remembering her.

“Which girl?” the doctor asked looking confused.

“There was a girl next to me in the elevator, and she became unconscious just before me. She was pretty young, maybe sixteen”, Brian explained concerned.

“I don´t know about her. I was only treating you since you were brought here. But I´ll ask if she was brought here.”

“Thank you Doctor…”

“My name is Tranton, Joe Tranton.”

“Thank you Doctor Tranton. By the way, my name is…”

“I know who you are. I have a fourteen years old daughter and you face is all over her room”, the doctor said smiling and left the room.

***********************************************************************

AJ and Leighanne sat in the van, which was about to bring them to the hospital, in silence.

Then Leighanne spoke up. Some tears could be seen in her eyes.
“When did everything start to go crazy? Where are the others? When did they change? Did we change? It this situation my fault? AJ, please tell me the truth!” she was crying by now.

AJ sadly watched as she broke down.

“Honestly Leigh, I don´t know, I really don´t know. All I know is that it is not you fault. Not yours and not Baylee´s.” He said tearing his gaze for the crying wife of his best friend and brother.

There was silence for some minutes.

As Leighanne was sure her voice was strong enough to speak again she looked deep into AJ’s brown eyes. “Is he going to be okay? Are we going to be okay?”