He had come straight from work to her apartment. She had called and he rushed through cases and last minute papers. After scribbling notes form a couple of law books, he was done and he was gone. This woman drove him crazy.


He didn’t know what else to do. He was crazy in love for her. They’d been through a lot in two years of tough love. Virginities had been lost, people close had died and friendships had perished. It was hard, every bump and shove was hard. Every scab had a story to tell of remarkable pain. Each had its boundaries. Each had its limits.


He knocked o­n her door and pushed long blonde hair from his face. He hid the sweet-smelling flowers behind his back. He cleared his throat before she unlocked the door and starred at him. She smiled sweetly when he produced the flowers. She took them and entered without a word. He starred for a second before walking in.


“What?”


“Sit down.” She said softly and she set the flowers against the couch. He sat slowly opposite from her o­n a plush chair.


“What is it baby, what is it?”


“Jon, I think we should see other people. She said closing her eyes. He saw she had let a breath, a sigh from her mouth. He laughed.


“What?”


“I think we should see other people.” She said slowly looking at him. He starred at her, his lips slightly parted. She looked at him and their eyes connected. He betrayed.


“Where the hell did this come from?” he asked. She smiled blinking tears from her eyes,


“Jon, I just don’t think our relationship is going anywhere okay.” She said nearly in a whisper. He was up and pacing by then. His hand was over his face and she just sat straight and still posed.


“Jon…damn it I’m sorry.”


“What the hell is up with you?” he yelled in her face. She was shoved to the back of the large couch. He was nearly o­n top of her.


She shoved him away hard, “Get off of me!”


“We’ve been through everything!” he yelled and he moved from o­n top of her. He stormed away and began to pace. She stayed in the same position as her mind registered what had just happened. She stood and walked behind the couch.


“You need to leave Jon…cool down baby.” She said wrapping herself in a hug. He looked at her.


“I love you!” he yelled.


“And I love you Jon! But everything has got to come to an end. You’re sweet and you’re cute but you’re not what I’m looking for! God Jon I love you but-”


“Then why are you doing this to me!” he yelled and she stopped. She was crying and he was close.


“God Jon…” she said shaking, “You think this is easy for me? We are not going anywhere, I love your flowers, and your roses, and your chocolates but I want more.”


“What more do you want?” he asked softly, “What more did you want?”


“Jon, you couldn’t have given it to me if you tried.” She said shaking her head, “I’m so sorry for pulling you in this.”


“You can’t leave me.”


He said and he proceeded around the couch, She walked from him, “You can’t do this.”


“Jon, you need to leave,” She said firmly with tears in her eyes. He stopped and just starred at her through pale green eyes.


“You need to leave and…settle down.” she said softly. He stormed from her and banged the door open. She closed her eyes and slowly closed the door. Leaning her head against the door, se squeezed her eyes shut and began to sob.




It was the most she could do for him. Visit him that night with dinner. He had called an hour later to apologize. They had cried and then jumped to happier times. She had agreed they’d talk everything over o­n o­ne last date. So she went and here she was. Nervously pushing the tiny glowing button and waiting out o­n the chilly steps of his beautiful Victorian house.


The door opened and his face turned into a grin. It was as if nothing had happened that afternoon. She walked in smiling and placed the plate of food o­n the counter.


“Hey sweetheart, I fixed you dinner.” Her eyes lit up and he died in himself for a second. It would be what he was missing. His plan came back together and he knew he what he had to do. He needed her. She was his life, breath, soul.


“Come sit down Alanis.” He said and she nodded. She pulled her brown hair into a small ponytail and followed him with a grin. She was gonna miss him but her heart had already fallen for someone else. Her heart knew what she was missing.


She sat at the table and waited for him to bring out the food. It was a beautiful, full plate of spaghetti and meatballs with steaming garlic bread. Her stomach flipped. He slid into a seat across from her and gazed into her eyes. All they could see in the dim candle light was the sparkling glow of their eyes and each other’s demented, shadowed faces. She smiled a dark, seductive smile and she picked her fork up elegantly. He didn’t start till she started and they ate in total silence except for the occasional barking of a near-by dog. It wasn’t until she placed her fork and let her head fall into her hands. She just starred at his face.


‘What am I doing?’ she thought.


“God, I love you ‘Nissy.”


“You’re a preacher’s boy, boy. You’re not supposed to use God’s name in vain.” She said with a smile. She popped a meatball in her mouth.


“Exactly,” he said with a nod and motion of his fork, “a preacher’s son.”


She giggled, “What ever you say.”


“I want you to marry me.” He said and she nearly chocked o­n the red wine that she slowly sipped o­n. He starred at her, his face impassively starring at her. She starred at him and suddenly she was scared.


“Uh, um, God…no Jon. We’re breaking up. Why would I marry you. Jon, can we just please talk about another subject.”


“I want you as my wife.”


“Jon,” She said. It was more of a plea. An alarming plea from her mind said for her to leave. She put her fork down.


“Jon, I think it’s time for me to leave. God what’s wrong with you Jon. You’re so possessive.”


“I’ll give everything away for you. I’ll die for you.”


“Thank you Jon.” She said standing up.


“I’ll even kill for you.” He said and then her feelings were confirmed. Candle light was not a lot of light. It was time to go.


“Goodbye Jon. I’ll call you in the morning.” She said and she stood quickly and began out the door.


“If you walk out that door, I’ll pull this trigger.” He said in a voice she had never heard before. She slowly turned and saw the barrel of a gun was positioned toward his head. She nearly froze in her footsteps. His voice was so full of pain and betrayal. So much grief, so much anger.


“Jon, don’t do this.” She said and she flipped open her cell phone, “You’re going to get some help. You’ll get over this and you’ll find another girl more beautiful and elegant than me.” She said in a shaky voice. She dialed 9-1-1 when he screamed at her.


“Put the fucking phone down!” the phone dropped from her hand still silently ringing. She was up against the door.


“Jon, please don’t do this. I love you.”


“Then marry me.”


“It wouldn’t be a pure marriage Jon. I’d always love someone else.” She said trying to stay cool.


“I fucking love you Alanis!” he yelled as he cocked the gun.


“No Jon.” She whispered.


“If we can’t be together now, see you in hell.”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter Two

His funeral was on a Monday. She attended dressed in all black. It was closed casket for the damage to his head was too great. From looking over her shoulder from the nagging feeling of eyes, she saw his best friend standing on a hill from where the family could see him. But he kept his distance. She held a faint smile from old memories then she turned. She walked before they finished and started to the car she parked a way from the other transportation.

His eyes were squinted against the cool wind blowing. A cold front had swept warm air from the state and now temperatures once in their sixties at night were now in the forties.

“How are you doing ‘Nissy?” he asked and she stuffed her bare hands into her pockets starring coldly at him.

“Don’t call me that.”

“What?”

“Don’t play with me.” She snapped.

“Lanis.”

“Alanis Micheal, you know me.” She said and he sighed.

“Do you think I killed him?” Micheal Towshid asked shifting his weight.

“What?” she looked bewildered and confused. She ran her hand over her head. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“You think because you cheated on him with me, it’s my fault cause you need someone to blame because you can’t blame yourself. You’re in mourning which gives you the right to feel this way.”

“Shut the hell up okay. Just shut the hell up.” She growled, “I’m not blaming you. I’m…I’m blaming no one okay.” She said softly covering her face with both hands, “He killed himself, not any…not any one else.” She looked away back at the dispersing crowd.

“They blame me, I don’t but it’s hard okay.”

“That’s life Alanis. Did Michelle, your best friend even know about us.”

“This is why you’re all the way back here isn’t it? This is how you pay your respects to a man you’ve known all your life.

“You haven’t even cried a tear.”

“Not in front of you. You think I’m tough and I’m cold hearted but I don’t like showing my weaknesses.” Alanis argued back.

“It’s not weakness Alanis. It’s called emotion.”

“Michelle didn’t know about us.” She said and she slid a cigarette from his pocket. He looked as she pulled a purple plastic lighter from the other.

“You smoke?”

“No, but there’s a first time for everything.” She sighed. She inhaled then coughed, “God these are horrible.” She said and she threw it to the ground.

“It’s all really horrible if you think about it.” He said looking over her shoulder. She turned around and looked back at her best friend walking toward them.

“Hey Michelle,” Alanis greeted but Michelle starred coldly at her. It’s hard being the best friend and her late brother’s girlfriend.

“Did he know?” she asked sharply and Alanis starred at her.

“Did he know what?” Alanis asked. Michelle rolled her eyes.

“Stop playing around okay. He’s dead now. I can never tell him. No one can tell him anything.”

“Michelle, that’s why I broke up with him okay.” She said and she fought hard not to cry. She couldn’t loose her best friend too, “I have a life too. I didn’t want to marry him. Then I’d forever love somebody else okay. But right now I have no partners.” Alanis said and his look was confused.

“What?”

“Can you really expect me to go on as if he had never killed himself Mike?” she asked with contempt in her voice, “Do you? He just blew his brains out and I saw it all. You know what I dreamed about yesterday?”

“But everything doesn’t have to fall apart.” Micheal said.

“You don’t understand anything do you?” she asked, “I thought you were his best friend.”

“And now you want to take up for Micheal.” Michelle said. She then stepped to Alanis’s face, “Lay it off bitch. If I ever see you again…I’ll kill you.” She growled.

“You can’t blame me Michelle,” Alanis snerred in her face, “He pulled the trigger, not me.”

“He pulled the trigger but you helped him.” She walked away silently. Alanis watched as her back turned small and then she disappeared into the limo. Alanis began to walk away.

“Where are you going?”

“Away.” She said softly. She stuffed her hands in her pockets and walked to her car.

“Alanis, we need to talk.” He said as she walked quickly. He reached to her and grabbed her arm.

“Don’t touch me!” she sneered at him and he yanked her in front of him.

“Yes, he’s dead and yelling at me will not make him rise from the dead and love you again.” He growled at her face and she slapped him sobbing. She slapped him hard and released all of her angry energy through that. She attempted to slap him again but he hugged her and pushed her head in his chest.

“God, I really loved him. I really loved…”

“Be quiet.” He said and he lowered her to the ground. He knelt in front of her as she sniffed.

“I can’t stay here Micheal. I can’t. It hurts too damn much. It hurts too much.” She said shaking her head.

“I can help you.” He said, “There are support groups around-”

“I don’t want a damned support group Micheal. I want new scenery, new people, new memories.” She said and she laid on the ground and covered her face, “God, I really need your help.” She mumbled. He sat on the cool sidewalk.

“Alanis-”

“Please don’t tell me anything else or try and convince me otherwise. Just agree with me. Just say yes okay, I understand and forget the rest.” She said, “I can’t live here. I don’t want to live here anymore.”

He sighed, “Where do you want to go?”

“How bout Miami.” She asked and he rubbed his lip.

“All those hurricanes.” He said and she sighed.

“They don’t all necessarily hit Miami.”

“Well it looks like it damn it.” He said laughing and she smiled. He’d miss this. He knew she was going to leave despite whatever he said. She needed to leave. If he was in her position, he’d probably leave too. They had a thing but it wasn’t strong so it didn’t really hurt as much as it could have.

“I think I’ll write a story about this.” She said out of the blue. It was so random he starred at her.

“You can’t even read.” He said and after a brief moment of silence and stillness, he felt her foot smash into his side. She was giggling.

“Ow damn it!”

“I can read.” She said and she rolled to her side looking at him.

“No you can’t. You can’t spell either.”

“I can too.”

“Stomach isn’t spelled stomik.” He poked her leg and she smashed her foot gently into his side. She sat up after that and ruffled her short hair. She starred with brown glowing eyes at him. She jumped to her feet and ran her hand over her face.

“I’ve gotta go okay.” She said and she stuffed her hands into her pockets, “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” She walked away smiling. Sliding in her car, she turned on the engine and drove through the cemetery feeling beautiful. By the time she was home, she was in tears again.