February 5th. Monday. 6.30 am.


What could be worse than this? Yup, you guessed it. Me, Nick Carter, sitting in a Miami airport, waiting to board a plane to Europe. Life couldn't get more shitty. I don ´t know if it was because I was tired, or nervous, or just plain depressed, but I felt like crying.There I was, in the prime of my youth, sweet seventeen and I felt like I was going to attend a funeral. Hopefully not my own. Maybe it was because this was a trip where I was for once without a motherly chaperone. Maybe it was something else?. I don ´t know.


One thing is for sure, AJ is right. I have a screw loose. Guys in my situation usually cheer and dance on the table when they are going on a trip like this. No parents in sight. Me, I wanted to bawl my eyes out.


I blamed it on getting up waaaay too early. Four AM sucks, especially when you are so nervous that you don't sleep for several days before that. My crying need, I call it that, might also have something to do with the stressed schedule that we had for the past year. We are trying hard to make it in the States as well as abroad. I haven ´t had a full week off since August last year.


Unconsciously I must have wiped my eyes, for a concerned voice was heard. " Nick, Are you all right?"


It was Howie that shared some sympathy for me and my situation. He looked at me, giving me a small comforting smile, as I put my hands in my jeans pockets. He looked as tired as I felt, yet he tried to find the positive in the situation. Howie always does that.


I nodded, not trusting my voice to speak.


" Hey Nick, are you nervous about the flight?" AJ called out from the chair where he half sat. I looked at my other "brother," not knowing what to answer to that question. Yes! I was nervous big time. I just wasn ´t sure that I wanted that information shared with the whole word. Tell AJ and within seconds everyone knew.


" Don ´t be," AJ said, taking a deep breath.


What did I hear? Actual concern in AJ's voice. My body tensed. There was always something fishy when someone like AJ decided to show such concern. Especially when I knew from first hand experience that he loved to pick on poor little innocent me. I waited for the next move. And yes there it came.


" You know Nick, when pilots lose control of the plane and it crashes..." AJ made gestures with his arms, showing me very descriptively how the plane went down. Sounds and all. "Then we will all be," he stopped, clapping his hands together in a loud BOOM, " CRUSHED like bugs." Emphasizing the "crushed" part of his soliloquy.


AJ grinned widely when he saw how I paled.


" Knock it off Aje." Good old Brian was coming to my rescue again. I looked up grateful at my best friend.


He looked annoyed. Annoyed and red nosed. How can that match? Well, the red nose sure matched his red scarf that's for sure. Brian, Brian what did I tell you about that scarf. You'll never make onto any of the Top 10 Best Dressed celebrities lists wearing that ugly thing.


Howie, however, would be in the Top. He is very picky with what he wears. Only brand names and designer clothes for him. That is Howie. He is also very prudent. Heck, Howie even irons his pajamas! Can you imagine, a male ironing pajamas? Heck, someone, period, ironing pajamas. I mean next he'll be telling us he irons his boxers. Howie wears pajamas when he sleeps. Me, I wear a t-shirt and boxers. Brian just boxers. Kevin ears his boxers too. AJ sleeps in the nude. Probably because he is never alone in bed, or so he says.


Now that was an ugly thought, AJ is very faithful with Amanda. Excuse me while I cough my brains out. I can be such a joker sometimes.


Speaking of Amanda, Samantha, Brian's girlfriend and Kristen, Kevin's girlfriend were not coming on this particular trip. That might explain Brian's red nose, AJ's "Pick on Nick" mood, and Kevin's "I-have-to-make-another-call-to-my-girlfriend-or-I'll-die" mood. Howie, however, is single, at least for the moment. And I, Nicky boy, have a girlfriend behind every corner. Or that is at least what the Press thinks. Ok, I am single right now, but looking. Oh how I am looking.


Our manager Johnny Wright, as well as AJ's mother, Denise, are already in Sweden where this trip will start. They have talked with the record company and are arranging details for the whole tour. This has left Kevin in charge of the group. This was good and bad.


A loud sneeze sent my attention to my best friend again. Brian looked really bad. He had caught a nasty head cold and he was using up tissues at the same rate as AJ changed girlfriends. Okay!!! That was before Amanda!


Another cough. This time Brian made the coughing sound. After blowing his nose and throwing the tissue into a trash can he looked at me. " Nick, you don't have to be nervous," he gave me a comforting pat on my knee.


Ew, get off me or I might think that you are into patting poor boy's knees. I know. Another sick thought crossed my mind.


As always. I looked up, groaning. Oh why did he, Mr. " I am so scared of heights," have to remind me?I don ´t like to fly. No wait that doesn't express it all. I HATE to fly. I have always have and always will. This was bad since we have to go on those aircrafts all the time. But hey, if there is no pain there is no gain. At least that is what my dear mother is always telling me. OK, then my mother isn´t the one that has her head stuck in an airsick bag the whole trip either.


"Why can´t Europe be in North America?" I thought. I was glad that I didn´t say it out loud since it would have been another of my famous "Nick fuck up again quotes". Oops, I did it again!!! Hearing the laughter around me I most have said out it loud. Big mistake.


"Or why isn´t Norway in Sweden?" More laughter.


Yeah, Yeah, Yeah. I know I fucked up ONCE and I have to pay it all the time. No one seemed to remember or even wanted to mention that when I let those lines slip I was dead on my feet and we had been in press conferences all that day. Plus that I had a blinding headache threatening to split my skull in half. How was I supposed to know where Norway was? All countries look the same to me. I guess you can tell that geography wasn´t my best subject in school.


"Have your tickets ready." It was Kevin, coming to tell us that we were about to embark the plane. He, on the other hand, actually looked happy. As happy as a guy can get when his beloved girlfriend isn ´t on the flight.


Kevin and I are so very different from each other. Kevin actually LOVES to fly. His dream is to fly airplanes. To that I just say one thing. NOT a plane with ME on it!


A short nod. Yeah Kevin, I got it under control.

As I bent down to open my sportsbag to pick out the tickets, I was met with a surprise. A nasty one! There was no suitcase in sight. Feeling the panic rise in my stomach I croaked out, " AJ, come on. This is not funny."AJ gave me an glare, like "What is the little fucker babbling about this time?"


The panic must have shone in my eyes because Kevin raised his voice. " Nick, you took the tickets didn´t you?" I could see that pulsating vein on his temple, indicating that Kevin was fighting with great effort to keep his cool.


" I don..don ´t know." I choked out, feeling once again the tears burning in my eyes. Oh, this was not a good way to begin a long tour.


" How do you lose a bag of that size?" Kevin lost his temper.


I wanted to defend myself, but too little sleep the night before as well as all the tension that this tour had built up had me in a weakened condition. Was it my fault that my mother always was around carrying my tickets and stuff?


" Take it easy," Brian said, his brain working hard trying to come up with an solution. " Nick, didn´t you go to the restroom when we came here earlier?"


"So?" I raised my eyebrows. What did my bathroom habits have to do with my luggage being lost? I love Brian, but sometimes he could be so stupid.


" Dumbass," AJ had made his point clear. " Brian is trying to tell you that you might have forgotten your luggage at the can."


"Oh," now I feel stupid! Kevin, who was an action man when it came to situations like this, rushed off towards the restroom, with me in a tow. The rest of the boys, minus Howie who was guarding the luggage, decided to tag along as well.


"What stall were you in?" Kevin asked as he rushed into the private room. I stiffened. What stall? " Uh..I don ´t know," I stuttered. I always stutter when I get nervous. Looking at the five stall doors I tried to figure out which one I had used earlier on. This was starting to become embarrassing.


Three pair of eyes followed me impatiently as I tried to get my mind working. After some quick thinking on my part... slow according to AJ, but who listens to him anyway..? I gestured towards one of the stalls. " I think it is this one," to our luck or more likely my luck that stall was open and Kevin stuck his head in. I, on the other hand, was praying. Praying that the previous smell still permeating in the stall. You see, stuttering is not the only thing I do when I am nervous. Enough said.


Seconds later Kevin reappeared, holding a sportsbag in his hand. What a relief. The bag was still there. Wasting no extra time Kevin dug into my bag, throwing up stuff on the desk in the bathroom. Then at the bottom of the bag were the...drum roll...tickets!!!!


You wouldn't believe the pressure that left my poor body in that moment.


" Ok Nick, here you go," Kevin said in a low voice. "Don ´t loose them."


As we walked out , or more likely ran from the restroom AJ yelled aloud, "Nick, next time bring some air freshener!" Everyone in the entire airport seemed to have heard that announcement and looked in our direction.


I wanted to die on the spot.

"Have a nice flight," the blond stewardess greeted us with a big toothy grin as while we passed through the cramped aisle struggling with our carry-ons. I glared sourly.


What is it with these perky stewardesses? Don ´t they ever have shitty days? But hey the same can be said about us in the entertainment business. We always have to smile, smile and smile, even when we feel like crying. Ok, here we go again, back to the crying issue. But that was what I felt doing right now. Crying, that and maybe jumping out of the airplane window. Both were bad moves. There was concrete on the driveway and I would probably shatter into more than a few small pieces.


Shuddering I thought about AJ ´s precious words. Bawling didn't seem like a good idea either, since I would be called a baby by the others. So I decided to sit in my economy class seat, and shut up...as soon as I could find it that is.


I groaned while I searched frantically for my seat, 22J. This was a big ass plane as AJ had put it. Kevin was more specific, and he had told us that it was a Boeing 747D that was going to take us all the way to Scandinavia home of the blond babes. ( That last part about the babes passed from the lips of AJ and Howie, who grinned like mad when they said it). I could care less about babes, babes were not worth risking your life over. No matter how much the guys tried to garnish the plane and make the flight seem like a minor ordeal....I still viewed it as a flying death trap.


Ok, let ´s see if I get my usual bad luck, which in my case means getting the seat beside a wing, or even worse, the engine. Not that the view was my first concern, no frankly I don't care about looking out of the window, since usually I am far too busy keeping my body and mind in check.


The reason why I dislike the engine seats is that everything can be heard and felt. There can be comments tossed in my direction like " Oh Nicky, the engine just died, and now we are going to CRASH!!!!" Guess who uttered those words of comfort? Yup, my good buddy, AJ!


Blindly I went trough rows of people, hoping and praying that the seat would not be by an engine when I heard my name being called out.


" Nick! Your seat is here," Howie sounded so cheerful when he patted the seat next to him. I made my way over to him, after bumping into several people that were putting their bags in the compartments above the seats. Well looks like 22 J is my favorite number...again... Yeah, you guessed it, an engine seat. How about that?


" I took your window seat since I know that you don ´t like sitting by the windows," Howie said in a light tone. How thoughtful of him.


Nodding I went on with my next task, trying to fit my carry on under the seat infront of me. It was a fruitless attempt. After holding up the line, with my oh so sexy butt, I was subject to many curses thrown in my direction.


" Oh Frack, give it up," Brian sighed.


That further fueled my desire to get my bag in the compartment, and I pushed even harder. No way I was going to put my bag up in those small cabins on the top. Besides I had a big stash of Mars candy bars in there, and I was not going to give it up without a struggle.


Brian, who waited patiently, sighed heavily. " Nick, leave it. Here I'll take it," He reached for the bag and I had to give it up. Sulkily I sat down and put my seatbelt on, then I watched as Brian struggled with MY bag. Heh, heh, heh..revenge can be so sweet.


After being cursed at by several passengers, he finally managed squeeze my bag into the compartment and sat down in the seat beside me heavily. Closing his eyes he rubbed the bridge of his nose in a small circular motion.. The exercise had worn my old buddy out, and I felt a trifle guilty when I saw that he didn't look so good.


"Bri, are you ok?"


He nodded, still not opening his eyes. I took a good look at him. He looked very pale. If he was in a horror movie he wouldn't need make up to play the part of a zombie. "Are you sure?" I asked feeling concerned, momentarily forgetting my own worries.


" Yeah, just a bit tired," he mumbled, then sneezed loudly. Fumbling in his pockets he pulled out a tissue and blew his nose noisily.


Yeah right...


Brian wasn't much of a flyer mainly because he was afraid of heights. This was the reason why he always got the seat the aisle. However, the cold that he had been battling for two days did nothing to improve his condition. I could only pray that this wouldn ´t be an bumby ride.


As more and more people started to file in and find their seats, I decided to scope the plane now that I had a better view of it from the inside. I did this for three reasons, first of all I wanted to check where the exit doors were. Not that I think that I would need them, I actually read somewhere that I have more of a chance of being killed by a donkey than in an airplane crash... but one can never be too sure.


Second, I wanted to see if there were any beatiful girls on the flight on course to the land of the beautiful blond babes that could further add to the beautiful scenery. I was just checking out this for Howie, of course. I'm such a great guy. Oh look, I had found one, a great looking girl with long blond hair a couple of seats down. I gave her one of my best smiles and got one back. You know, if I got bored sitting next to Brian, I just might have to make my way over there. Who knows she might be my love connection. Shit. I quickly looked away. On the other hand, maybe not. Her tall well built boyfriend suddenly appeared and he didn't look as happy as she did to see me. I sighed.


My third reason was that I wanted to see where my two other band members were seated.It turned out that both AJ and Kevin were sitting next to us in the center aisle between.


AJ caught my eye, and grinned sinisterly.. He made another attempt to show me how we were going to crash, while mouthing the words "crash" and "burn". I felt my face drain out of all color.


AJ was jabbed in the side by Kevin. "Stop it," he warned, giving AJ the evil eye. AJ shrugged his shoulders, but the look he gave me was "You're dead meat." His threats were made in vain, because of his location, I knew that Kevin would be monitoring AJ. My AJ problem was no more.


Now it was my turn to grin.


But my happiness was soon to evaporate, as I remembered I was still on the plane and it would be taking off shortly. Groaning I sank back in my seat thinking of the long ten hours of flying ahead of me.


The pretty stewardess started to go through the standard safety procedures and I leaned back, trying to look uninterested. In reality, every word she said etched itself into my brain. Casting a quick eye at the safety instructions ahead of me I tried not to reveal how much I wanted to memorize it. That would have been way too uncool.


What was it with safety instructions? Everyone tried to be so off hand about it, when they knew they wanted to rip the instructions off the back of their seats and study it like it like AJ studying the newest issue of playboy.


Brian must have sensed my fear as he removed the safety packet from the seat and casually put it between me and him on the arm rest. This way I could look at the instructions without being too uncool or getting caught by AJ. After the safety lesson was over, I gave Brian a grateful smile. He smiled back at me. Brian was the best. He was the only one that really knew me.


I tensed up, the engines were starting to warm up and the lights in the cabin were turned off.Closing my eyes, I gripped the armrest as the plane started to move. I hate take off!. It ´s like the void in between life and death, you don ´t know if the plane will take off successfully, or screw up and do a nose dive back onto the runway.


The plane started to hurtle down the runway, and soon I could feel the gravity pressing me against my seat. Glancing at Brian I could see that he looked as bad as I felt. I started to search in the back pocket of the seat in front of me, for the airsick bag. I tried to play it cool, like the safety manual, grabbing for an airsick back would look uncool. I located the bag and shifted it into a position where I could have easy access to it if I needed it, but no one would have to see it if I didn't.


My stomach was about to jump out of my mouth as I felt the plane get its first up. I swallowed hard not wanting to make a mess out of the situation. A light tap on my hand made me turn my head to the right only to be met with Howie's concerned brown eyes. Without a word he handed me his airsick bag, and I took it gratefully all thoughts of being viewed as a nerd left me.


Me and moving vehicles don ´t get along. There are three big "No's" in the Nick's guide book to moving vehicles.


The first no is planes. Yup. you have probably guessed it by now. Dramamine or shit like that never seems to help me, and I usually get to use the airsick bag at least once during a flight. This was the main reason why the guys never actually fought to sit with me on planes. Another reason why they didn't like to sit with me was the fact that when I got bored I got really hyper. The guys didn't want to be bothered with a teenager on a sugar rush. At least, that was what Kevin said out loud one time when he was pissed at me.


The second no was roller coasters. As much as I hate to admit it, I really dislike those things. Me and my little brother Aaron had ridden them many times, but it always ended up with me sticking my head in a trash can. Not so funny.


The third no is motor vehicles. It can be cars, vans, or busses. Even trains sometimes make me wanna hurl. Ok, I could stand them when they were not jerking around. But if you want to be on the safe side, I wouldn't advise you sit next to me while traveling...anywhere.


For the first time today luck was on my side, and I didn't have to make use of the bag. But as a precaution I still leave it on my lap, one could never be too sure with my stomach. It liked to play tricks. As soon as the plane picked up the right altitude and the "fasten seat belt" sign was off, I decided to try and take a nap. Brian had already picked up on my idea, and was dead to the world. Howie, on the other hand, was looking at the screen in front of him that told us what the route would be and in what speed the plane was going. How exciting. What AJ and Kevin were doing I didn't care about. AJ I was pissed at, so I didn't care what he was doing, and Kevin was too boring to even wonder about.


With a deep sigh, I closed my eyes and tried to think soothing thoughts to calm my stomach. Somehow I succeeded at my task, and was out like a light in seconds.

Ouch!!!


I woke up with something very heavy pressing against me. My first thought was that we had crashed and I was lying under a piece of wreckage. Then when I opened my eyes, I saw that my two buddies had just decided to use my shoulders as pillows. Just as bad, they weighed as much as a wing probably would.


To make matters even worse they were both snoring. Loudly. I shifted uncomfortably.


Brian was sleeping with his mouth open since he was too congested to breathe through his nose. An evil thought crossed my mind, and I was just about to slap his mouth shut when Howie moved on his side. Changing my mind, I looked at the other snoring person, in disgust.


Howie could snore loud enough to keep a whole neighborhood awake. It was worse on the bus. Sometimes as I lie in bed clutching my pillow over my ears, I thought about smothering him. Brian snores too, I know this because I usually shared a hotel room with him. So his having a cold is no excuse. Of course, like most people who snore, he denies it, and also claims that I talk in my sleep. I do not!


My legs had fallen asleep and I shifted in my seat, again. I was sandwiched in between two grown men, and.... take a guess. You guessed it! I had to pee.


My bladder was screaming for me to empty it, and in a moment of weakness, I looked longingly at the brown bag in my lap. Maybe I should take out my willie and... Yup I have named my pecker. I named it after seeing a movie together with one of my ex-girlfriends Kathryn. The movie was called " Look Who's talking," ( Not that one with John Travolta)and it was about a man with a talking dick. I thought it was funny and after that I named the fellow down below Willie!!!


I wondered what the rest of the guys would name their peckers. Howie ´s would be curly. It would fit, don ´t ask me how I know. I just do, ok. Brian's would be something like..Donald, after Donald Duck. Kevin's on the other hand would be something formal like Mr Jones, and AJ's would be SHAFT!


Oh yeah, I really needed to get a life.

Reminded of my discomfort, I looked longingly at the brown bag. Hm..maybe that wouldn ´t be such a bad idea. Weren't bags like these made to contain liquid substances? I would also be doing my big brothers a favor by not waking them up. After all, I had made use of much worse things before... The incident I am referring to is notoriously called" The Sock Prank." I will not reveal what was left in that sock since it would be too gross and would also disturb the "pretty boy" image that I am famous for.


Maybe I could use the juice cartoon that was laying on Howie's tray? I had seen this in a movie and big Willie was keen on the idea. Have you ever noticed how your mind becomes so one-tracked when you are in desperate need? Maybe that was why AJ always had sex on his mind.


" The juice cartoon!!!" My mind screamed at me, and the my stomach added, "As well as bread crumbs. The guys had breakfast! Now I was starting to get really pissed. There had been breakfast and I had slept through it! If there is one thing I disliked it was being hungry, and having people be aware of it and still let me sleep through a meal. Lines like " Nick we thought you looked so peaceful" or " You needed the sleep" didn't cut it. When my stomach was hungry it wanted to be fed right away.


But before I thought about food...more pressing matters were knocking on my the door, so to speak. Looking at my two band mates drooling on my shoulders a devious thought crossed my mind that I put into action.


I stood up really fast, causing Brian and Howie's heads to roll off my shoulders and knock into each other. A loud grunt and then a "NICK" in unison, was heard on the otherwise quiet plane. Looking down at the two, I gave a quick apology before climbing over Brian, grinning maniacally. That served them right for using me as an pillow as well as making me miss breakfast.


As I fled down the aisle I could hear their loud complaints about how immature I was. Kevin and AJ had also butted into the conversation. Ignoring them, I made it to the restroom. There was only one person ahead of me. Good.


What is it with restrooms on planes?


Why do they always make them so small? It had to be the work of a female designer. I mean, how was a guy, rather big ( grin) supposed to fit into them and then be expected to do their business. Do they not realize that a guy needs his space? As I sat down, yup we guys sit sometimes too, I started to think about things that had been done in a airplane lavatory. My brain can venture so far at times and this was such a occasion.


Last year on a plane to South Asia, AJ and Amanda made the " Mile High Club." At first, I didn ´t knew why they looked so smug coming out of the bathroom together. Then Brian told me what they had done. That was when I decided that this was one club that I intended to gain membership to before I turned 21. At my pace, I would probably be 30.


As soon as my business was done, I returned back to my seat to face two grouchy band members. Could I help it if I had a weak bladder? A little knock on the head was far better than me wetting my pants, wasn ´t it? Somehow I don ´t think that they appreciated my apology.


*******


"Ewww!!!"


I scrunched up my nose in disgust as the tray of airplane food was placed in front of me. The sight of it made me want to hurl. The hunger pains that had been so prominent before quickly dissipated.


" Nick," Howie warned, while digging into his own food with a fork. It was like he hadn ´t seen food in months.


" This shit looks like it has been chewed up already." I wailed as I shuffled the new potatoes around the brown gravy and picked at the meat and peas.


" NICK!" Kevin snapped from across the aisle. He told me that I was being rude and vulgar. I rolled my eyes, he was always correcting me.


" It does too," I whined, nudging Brian in his side, " Don ´t you agree, B ´rok?"


Brian groaned. Apparently he didn ´t think the potatoes and meat looked too appetizing either, since his food was untouched. He had his eyes closed, clutching the airsick bag in one hand. Oh no, Brian was going to be sick. My stomach churned, the only thing I hated worse than barfing myself was others barfing around me.


Now the food seemed even more revolting, and I swallowed hard as Brian suddenly bolted from his seat, hand covering his mouth. Something told me that he wasn ´t aiming for membership in the "Mile High Club." I had no intention to follow him. Kevin, on the other hand, stood up and went after Brian.


Kevin cared a lot for his cousin Brian and would give the world to him if he could...but of course Brian would have to split that world with Kristin. I must admit, I was a bit jealous. I could be deathly ill with the flu and Kevin will accuse me of whining, but let Brian have a stuffy nose...Stop, stop the tour!


Ok, so maybe I exaggerated a bit, ok, a lot. Kevin was actually a pretty nice guy. But this I would never tell him.


" Looks like Brian isn ´t going to eat his food," Howie said and leaned over me to grab the tray.


I glared at him in disgust. It was wrong to hit a man when he was down, or in this case steal his food. After being reprimanded a few more times, I picked up my fork and slowly began to work my way through the meal. And this time I had to give the credit to SAS ( The Swedish airline that we are flying with) it tasted pretty good. This, however, I didn't tell the rest of the guys.


Brian returned to his seat, his face slightly green, "I feel like crap," he mutters as he blows his nose for the ump-tenth time during the flight.


" Try to rest some," Kevin said as he covered Brian up with a blanket. It sucked to be ill on a plane. Concerned I asked him how he was doing. I got a groan in response. That's how I knew for sure he was sick. Brian was the chipper one of all of us. He was very energetic. The only time when Brian was down, was when he was ill.


Well with Brian out of the mix, I was getting pretty bored. I was more enthusiastic than usual when the in flight movie started. Good, finally something to do. I turned on the small screen in front of me to watch the movie. It took a few moments for the picture to clear.


WHAT MANIAC CHOSE THIS MOVIE TO PLAY ON AIRPLANE??!!


The movie was "Die Hard 2," starring Bruce Willis. For those who are not familiar with this movie, it is about a plane being hijacked.


I didn't even have to look over to know that AJ was the person snickering. "Hey Nick, they must have chosen this movie just for you."


Turning off the TV, I get looks from Howie, Kevin and AJ. Brian was asleep.


" What?" I asked irritably. Howie looked away, Kevin raised an eyebrow, and AJ snickered some more. "I have a headache." So I lied, they can't sue me. And they all knew why I turned the TV off. I hated movies about airplanes crashing. I ignored their comments made in my direction and thought of something else to occupy my time. I wanted my carry-on suitcase.


Looking down at the floor, I remembered that Brian put it in cabin above us. Shit. This meant that I had to climb over Brian once more. and he was a light sleeper so I'd probably wake him up. Then I would get Kevin all upset and.... I had to work out a plan. With a small groan I got the wanted attention from Howie.


"What ´s wrong Nick?"


In a whiny voice, I told him about the situation and how I didn ´t want to wake up Bri. AJ was listening to my explanation with a sneer, but Howie was trapped in my web of pity and called to Kevin. He asked him to get my carry-on bag down for me. Kevin didn't look pleased about it, but he didn't want me to wake Brian by getting it myself either.I had these guys wrapped around my little finger. Pull a string and they dance.


Satisfied, I received my bag and pulled out my portable CD player, two CD ´s and some candy bars. As I unwrapped my candy bar, Howie asked me if it was wise for me to eat them. Why not? He just shrugged and went back to the movie.


Two hours later I regretted eating the three, no wait four candy bars. I was starting to feel queasy and Brian making frequent trips to the lavatory wasn't helping me any. He was also sweating up a storm. It was now official, Brian Littrell had caught the flu.


Then ,as if things hadn't been bad enough, the plane started to jerk due to turbulence. Remember jerking vehicles wasn't good for Nick's stomach, and this time was no different from the others. The contents of my stomach made a serious attempt to escape. I groaned feeling my body break out into a cold sweat. I reached for the airsick bag. I fought to block out the horrific noises of Brian already making use of his bag beside me.


Raising the bag to my face, I gagged involuntarily. But then who wants to gag voluntarily? I could never understand people that make themselves sick on purpose. That was so gross.


The plane continued to jump up and down and my stomach had a hard time deciding what direction it was going to go. I could feel a cool hand on my neck. It was Howie's. " Take it easy," he whispered. I swallowed, not being able to answer due to obvious reasons. I tried to take a hold of the situation. Once the turbulence was over I took a deep calming breath.


But there was a rule that one should NEVER ever forget. And that was that Nicks stomach does whatever it pleased, whenever it wanted.


As the plane lurched again, my stomach finally made a decision about what it wanted to do with its inhabitants. I barely got the brown bag under my nose before the heaving started. And it was bad. Revenge!!!


Tears swelled in my eyes, and I panted as I tried to be as discrete as I could. It must have been a sight, two boys, or men, sitting side by side heaving like there was no end to it.


" Oh Nick," now Kevin was concerned too. I tried to get my hand up saying that I had everything in control, but that would have been a big lie. To tell the truth, I was drained.


As if it was in slow motion, I could see and hear the action taking place around me. The words sick ( referring to Brian) and motion sick ( referring to me) were heard. Perky stewardesses swarmed around us, and I could feel a glass being put in my hand.


" Nick, come on, try to drink it," Howie coaxed me into drinking the water.


When my stomach decided it was done with its task, I pulled the bag from my face. I drank the water slowly and glanced over at Brian who didn't seem any better off.


"Looks like we have really done it this time," he murmured giving me a weak smile.


Yeah. Frick and Frack together in a synchronized puke feast!


Lucky for me and the rest of the plane, nothing more happened on this trip, and we would soon be landing in Stockholm.


Let the tour begin....

After the plane landed my stomach finally calmed. Howie rolled his eyes at me, he just couldn't can ´t understand how I could be so afraid of flying. According to him, it was the best feeling in the world soaring above the clouds.


Well I, in response, told him to imagine himself sitting in front of a Nintendo for hours on end playing games. Once his face contorted letting me know he was indeed thinking of the scenario, I told him that, that was the way I feel on an airplane.


Brian, unlike me, still looked as bad as he had earlier. His eyes were glassy and he was flushed.. Well at least he wasn't still throwing up, instead he was coughing, looking like death itself.


I grabbed my carry-on and started to make my way off the plane. This time I was one of the first to reach the terminals, which is the opposite of when I get on a plane. I waited for the guys further down the hall.


" Nick, where did you go?" Kevin asked in an irritated tone. He had jet-lag and was in no mood to deal with a lost teenager in a foreign airport.


" I saw some good looking blondes and..." I started with an attempt to make a joke, but was cut off in mid-sentence by Kevin.


He was chewing me out for running away. Like I could run that far! Telling me that he was in charge of me and saying that he didn ´t want to pick up pieces of me when I got kidnaped. A little paranoid weren't we, Kevin? We were in Stockholm, one of the calmest places in the world. The way he was acting one might think that we were still in Miami. Besides where would I go? Every person that had taken a plane out of the country before knew that there was nowhere to go before entering the passport check out.


Howie and AJ tagged along, as well as a sleepy Brian. They were all carrying their suitcases. Kevin carried Brian's, and I felt kind of bad for not being by my "brothers" side like Brian would have done if I was in his shoes. What a dumb statement! What did borrowing other peoples' shoes have to do with anything? Besides, my feet were much too big to fit into Brian's shoes. Kevin's might fit, but there was no way that I try them on! Kevin might kill me...not to mention the horrible prospect's of contracting athlete's foot. Gross.


Passport time! I whipped it out as fast as I could. The lady behind the passport desk was very friendly and she wished me a pleasant stay. As I passed under the green sign ( nothing to declare) I couldn ´t help but feel uneasy. The policemen were looking at us, yet not stopping us. Not even AJ who could have easily be passed as a drugged up dealer with the way he looked. Kevin had stated earlier that the statistics showed that the most ordinary looking passengers were the ones who usually carried drugs. After hearing that, I guessed AJ would never come into question.


It was rather slow at the Arlanda airport. Could have something to do with the fact that it was midnight in Sweden and not too many people were waiting for planes to arrive or deport at this time. As we went down the elevator to the ground floor not a single person recognized us. A bit disappointing.


AJ told me that this was because there aren't many teenage girls out at this time of night.


There was no need for security when we go on trips like this. The only time we had bodyguards was during the day when lots of people were anticipated to be in the areas we would be arriving in. Other than that, we could move pretty freely, which was good since I dislike having someone watch over me 24/7.


Europe is a continent that we were rather famous in and we had been there several times before. But we had never been on a tour as long as this one was going to be. We were scheduled to visit 34 cities within 2 months. Then we were scheduled to go to Spain for 2 weeks, and after that 30 more cities in Europe. It would be August before we were back in the States.


This was the longest time I had ever been away from home... I didn't know if I could handle being away from my family for so long. When the rest of the guys heard the news they didn't take it well either. AJ was very distraught, demanding that management pay for his phone calls to his girlfriend Amanda.


I seriously doubted Kevin, Brian, and AJ's ability to function without being in contact with their significant others for that long. Now Howie, and me? We were the single guys, always looking for a plausible catch. We often got stupid questions like "What is your idea of a dream date?" and stuff like that. If a journalist was to interview me right now I would say that a date with my pillow and with a hamburger was all that I wanted from life right now. Honesty was one of my best policies.


My stomach growled loudly, complaining that it was empty! What an outrage! "I ´m hungry," I whined.


Howie was quick to comment, telling me that I should have eaten on the plane. I kindly reminded him that I had...and that meal was still probably resting on that plane in an airsick bag. Apparently there was nothing wrong with Howie's memory, as he scrunched up his nose in disgust and turned away from me.


As we came down to the luggage claim Brian went straight to a chair and sat down. Holding his head in his hand, bend over slightly, he looked miserable. I felt bad and made my way over to him. I got creepy feelings when Brian was sick. It was like part of me was missing when Brian wasn't behaving like his old hyper self.


" Dude, how are you doing?" I asked as I sank down on the hard plastic chair beside him.


" Been better, been worse," he sniffled while stifling a cough in a tissue. Then he started to search for the tylenol bottle in his suitcase. As he turned everything inside out, I hunched down to help him. Soon I got a hold of the tylenol bottle and passed him some pills that he swallowed dry, followed by more coughing.


" Thanks," he mumbled as he closed his eyes and drew his jacket tighter around himself.


" Man, you look like shit," I blurted out. I put my hand to his forehead and flinched at the heat. "Brian you have a fever."


Kevin must have heard me, because he hastened his pace towards us. " Brian how are you doing, man?" He frowned deeply, getting a small shrug back from his cousin, who was coughing too much to talk.


" NICK!" AJ ´s hoarse voice echoed throughout the terminal.


I turned my head in his direction and he shouted that my luggage was on it ´s way. Glancing in the direction AJ was pointing in, I saw my green Samsonite and hurried over to get it.


Half an hour later, we had picked up all our luggage and were walking out to the main hall. Our manager Johnny, and some guys from a Swedish record company were going to meet us. And true to his word Johnny stood there, waving with his arms. I felt like I did when I was little and went on my first school trip. My teacher had a flag, and waved it at us so that we didn ´t get lost.


" Hey guys! How was your flight?" The dark skinned man asked and gave Kevin a pat on the back. Kevin was management's right hand and I think he got lots of favors for that. I, on the other hand, am the black sheep in the family. Always making a fool of myself, and I have had more than one discussion about my behavior with Johnny. Johnny the Menace, as Brian and I have nicknamed him.


Kevin and Howie gave Johnny a brief update on how the flight went, leaving out the part about me being, and telling him that Brian was sick. At first, I was grateful that they hadn ´t mentioned anything about my weakness.


Then I became jealous. Why did management and the guys always show so much more concern for Brian, or anyone else at that matter, than me? I could be sick as a dog, yet hell would freeze over before I could skip out of a show. Mentioning this to AJ, he told me that it was because I was sick so often that they would never be able to put on a concert if they took that into consideration every time.


" I am not," I whined.


AJ just grinned and Howie asked what it was going on. I was way too pissed to answer him and continued to sulk, not giving away any details. This had Sweet D upset and he told me that I was acting immature, again. So tell me something new.


I was just about to spit out a heated comment, when Johnny grabbed my arm giving me a hard stare. "...and this is Nick," he said, still looking at me with his "Don't you dare make a fool of me!" statement.


" Hello," I said sourly. I was still sulking for getting no attention what- so- ever. After all, I had been as sick as Brian, just not from the same reason.


"Quit being a baby," AJ wheezed in my ear. I glared at him, still pouting.


After Johnny had introduced is to everyone his attention veered away from us again and he began chatting. He didn't care in the least that we were all dead on our feet, after traveling for more than 17 hours on a plane. We were seriously jet-lagged, and hungry as wolves. Well, everyone but Brian was hungry, he just wanted to sit down.


" Look there's a Mickey D's!" AJ shouted and pointed towards a corner of the airport.


For the first time since my hell started 17 hours ago I felt my life begin to lighten up. My stomach was screaming for food and I could hear myself begging to go in there and get something to eat. I didn ´t know if it was my begging or AJ ´s negotiating skills, that guy could be a lawyer since no one is as great as he is when it came to negotiating about matters such as food and babes, but soon I was seated inside McDonald's stuffing my face.


Both Kevin and Howie told me to slow down or I would get sick, but when have I ever listened to them?


I told them that I was fine and that they should mind their own business. It felt fantastic to finally get something in my stomach and I was in no mood to listen to their warnings. I should have, because as I finished my last fry I was hit with the worst stomach ache. Groaning, I leaned over the table, getting not one concern glance. Kevin just stated, " What did I tell you Nick? Why don ´t you ever listen?" Howie was at it too, and soon the tossing of comments was on again.


" If you guys are done chewing each other out, I have a bus ready for you," Johnny said when he thought that we had fought long enough.


" Finally," Brian mumbled and took the lead in leaving the restaurant.


I swallowed the rude ill-mannered retort I was about to deliver in response to something Kevin had said, and got up and ran after my friend. Ok, ran may have been an overstatement, especially when you had suitcases full of junk that had to weigh a ton, and a stomach ache that made you wanna stoop over and walk like an old geezer.


I went outside into the open air, I was met with an incredible shock.


If you had ever been in Sweden at the beginning of February, you would know what I am referring to. It was freezing! It was so cold that I was starting to wonder if we had ended up in the wrong destination. Had we accidentally landed in the Arctic!


"Shit!" I cursed.


Not a comment back from Kevin since he was way too busy buttoning up his coat. I was shivering like crazy in my thin jacket and I ran, yup this time I ran, towards the bus that Johnny had rented for us during our stay in Sweden. My stomachache and burden of heavy luggage were long forgotten.


I was still shivering like crazy long after the heat had started up on the bus and we were on our way.


Guess how cold it was?

I'll tell you, 5 degrees! I couldn ´t believe that people actually lived in this climate zone. On top of the cold, the wind was blowing making it feel twice as cold.


Yeah, so I was whining, but what did you expect? I came from the hot and humid Florida to a damn polar ice cap! My native New York wasn't even this bad! I knew that tomorrow I had to do some serious shopping for a jacket or I would be in BIG trouble. A frozen popsicle as a popstar wasn ´t hot!


Looking over at Brian, I saw that he had fallen asleep. Kevin was chatting along with Johnny and the record people, being the businessman that he was. Howie and AJ had their eyes closed, probably sleeping, and I felt so alone. As I stared out into the cold and dark winter night I seriously started to doubt that I could make it. Home sickness was building up inside of me, and my eyes were starting to water. I felt so depressed and all I wanted was to go to bed in my own room. Being a star was way too hard, and I didn ´t know if I was cut out for it.


I must have whimpered, because I felt a hand on my shoulder. " Nick it ´s ok," a soft voice behind me whispered. Looking back I saw that it was AJ that had uttered those comforting words. Wiping my nose with the back of my hand I nodded.


" Hey, it will all be better tomorrow. Trust me." AJ could be so good to a friend in need. " Try to get some sleep."


Wiping my bangs from my eyes, I did as he suggested, and leaned towards the cold bus window. Soon exhaustion took its toll and I was rocked to sleep by the moving vehicle.


" BOYS!!! We're here!"


I was jerked awake by the bus stopping and Johnny shouting at us to wake up. Rubbing my eyes, I felt so disoriented. I didn ´t know where I was. Then I remembered that I had recently arrived in Sweden, and it was in the middle of the night.


Action was starting to take place in the bus and everybody was picking up their suitcases. Brian was still sleeping and I nudged him gently, " Frick! Hey man, it ´s time to wake up. We are at the hotel."


"Go away. Let me sleep. I don ´t feel good."


I frowned. Those were generally MY lines and it had me concerned.," Come on man, we have to get out." I shook him a bit roughly. He started to return to the living and stood up, wavering. " Woaaa," Brian steadied himself against me.


Being the good friend that I was, I helped my buddy off the bus. The cold air hit us like a wall made of bricks and we hurried into the warm lobby at the Royal Viking hotel. Brian and I sank down in the brown leather sofas in the lobby waiting while the rest of the guys picked up our room cards.


" Nick. Brian," It was AJ's mother, Denise, that cheerfully greeted us. I mumbled a short, "hey," and she looked at me like I was being a spoiled brat. AJ must have told her that Brian wasn ´t feeling well since she hunched down beside him, patting him on his hand.


" Brian, darling, you'll get to climb in bed soon." She was singing like a bird, but I could tell that Brian thought her voice cut like glass in his ears. He winced. I felt it was my duty to help my friend out and I made small talk with her until Kevin came over with the room keys.


" Here you go, Nick. Will you two manage ok?" he asked, gesturing with his head toward Brian, who was slouched down in the brown leather sofa, eyes closed.


" Sure. What time are we on tomorrow?" I asked, while starting to gather all our luggage.


" Breakfast is at 9.00 am and then we have to be here it the lobby at 9.45 am. The bus is taking us to the record company." Kevin looked at me then, " Nick, don ´t make us late. I mean it." With that he was gone.


Denise had left, leaving me with Brian. I had to carry both my and Brian's suitcases. I bet I looked like a work mule. In Sweden, there were no bellboys so I had to juggle the suitcases down to the elevator by myself. Brian followed after me slowly. The rest of the guys remained in the lobby as Brian and I took the elevator.


Brian leaned against the mirror, dead silent and I could tell by the look at his face that he was feeling sick again. He apologized weaklyfor not helping me carry the suitcases. I said it was ok. He had done the same for me several times during the years. And it felt kind of nice to return the favor.


As soon as we got to the hotel room Brian ran to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. I winced as I heard him getting violently sick. Poor Brian.


Too tired to do anything else than drop the luggage on the floor I knocked on the door.


"Bri, are you ok? "


" Ye..yeah."he murmured weakly. I didn ´t believe him at all.


" Do you want me to get Kevin?" I had never been good at taking care of sick people since I got so nervous and didn ´t know how to act. My palms would start to sweat, my stomach got nervous and I felt dizzy. It was similar to the feeling I got when I was in love. Another fact about me that told a stranger that I was a rather twisted person.


" No. I ´m fine. I will be out in a sec."


The toilet flushed and Brian turned on the water tap. I sat down on the bed, waiting for my friend to come out. I was way too tired to take off my clothes and just sat there shivering, feeling helpless. There was nothing worse than listening to a person that you care about getting sick, I shuddered.


The bathroom door opened and Brian came out, his complexion ghostly. He walked, unsteadily, towards his own bed and sank down on the bed spread. " I feel so bad," he whimpered, running his hands through his hair in exasperation. This had me genuinely scared. He coughed several times and then he lay down, closing his eyes. It almost looked like he was unconscious.


A feeling of dread crept over me and I felt a desperate need to make sure he was still alive.


" Brian!" I called out, feeling relieved when I got a positive response. " Yes," he whispered hoarsely.


"Do you want me to call a doctor?" I didn ´t know what to say or do since we were stuck in a foreign country at 2.15 am in the morning.


" No, It ´s just the flu. It has to run its course. I will go to bed and then I'll feel much better in the morning. You should do the same thing. You must be dead on your feet."


Leave it to Brian to care for other people, even when he was feeling ill.


I was still sitting stiff as a statue when Brian started to undress himself. My limbs ached badly and there was a weird feeling in my body. The flight had seriously tired me out and jet-lag was starting to kick in.


I felt so homesick. I longed for my Mom.


Yeah, I knew it was stupid. A seventeen year old guy wanting his mom to come and tuck him in. Remembering how my mother used to help me get undressed when I was little and too tired to manage by myself, made tears well up in my eyes. She used to put me to bed, saying that it was ok for once to skip out of brushing my teeth, and then she kissed me goodnight.


Oh, how I missed those times.


I let out a whimper that caught Brian's attention. " Are you all right, Nick?" He sounded concerned.


I nodded. " Yeah, go to sleep. Night Frick."


" G ´night." Brian was asleep before he said the last syllables of the word, and I was left alone. All alone in a hotel room in Sweden. Thousands maybe millions (!) of miles from home.


With a sigh, I stood up, and made my way over to the bathroom where I prepared myself for bed. Then I ran like I did when I was little to the bed jumping into it. The bed creaked and I froze...Gremlins? Nah, it couldn't be. Gremlins weren't real....I didn ´t believe in silly things like that! I just...I just had this thing about the dark...I didn't like it.


The good thing about rooming with Brian was that he never complained when I left the light on in the bathroom at the night. He knew that I was scared of the dark and never bugged me about it. The strange thing was that AJ never bothered me about it either. He, who had made an art out of bugging Nick, never said a bad comment about my fear of the dark. Maybe he was just as scared as I was. The only people that bothered me about it were Kevin and Howie. They thought that I was acting like a baby, and that I had to stop behaving so childishly. They complained that they could not sleep when there was a light on. Tough luck for them since there was not a chance that I'd turn off the lamp. Ok, there might be one chance, if they had a sex operation and got big bombs ( AJ ´s statement). Nah, not even then because then I would of had to see my way to the bathroom since I would be vomiting violently.


Picturing Howie and Kevin as girls made my stomach churn and I tried to get the picture out of my mind before I followed Brian's path to the toilet.


As I laid in my bed, I felt so small and alone.


Hearing Brian's heavy breathing made me almost sure that there would be snoring tonight. With a deep sigh, I tried self-hypnosis to force myself to sleep. Within minutes my eyelids were getting heavy, and soon I was asleep. My first night in Sweden...

"Boys!! This will be one of your greatest ride of your life!" Johnny sounded very enthusiastic, as he stood in front of the bus speaking into one of the microphones.


"Yeah man, bring out the barf bags," AJ grinned. Kevin wanted to make a joke, "No need, this is not a plane!"


There was some laughter and as usually I was the target. After giving Kevin a hard glare I sighed and stared out at the gloomy scenery. It is still very cold and snowy outside. Shivering, my thoughts are on Brian in the hotel room, snuggle up in a warm bed. Sleeping. In that moment I want to shift places, even if it meant that I had to have my head over the trashcan all the time. It would be worth it.


We were on our way to the Swedish Record Company where we were going to discuss ideas about the upcoming production of our new CD. Johnny was also going to go through the some of the details about this tour, as well as the concerts that we were going to give here in Stockholm. Boring, Boring, Boring.


"Ok guys, as you probably noticed there are lots of fans that are stalking at the hotels and you have to be careful. You are very famous here and I have assigned a special security team for you. You all know Lonnie Parker," Johnny gestured towards a man that was seated in the front of the bus.


" Hi Lonnie," we all said in unison. It reminded me of grade school when the teacher wanted all of us to say, "Good morning." During that time, I could be a bit of a pain in the butt and at one occasion I refused to say Good morning and got an hour detention. It sucked and my mother was so mad at me for acting rude that I got whipped on my butt. Since then, I try to be as polite as I can.


Lonnie took over the microphone and explained to us that situation was that we had to have body-guards. I didn´t know whether to laugh or cry. Shit. There was no fun being stuck with an personal bodyguard. The good thing was, that we didn´t have to have them 24/7. Only when we were going on and off concerts and when there were promotion events. But if things heated up they would be at our side all the time. This was bad since Kevin was acting like this all the time. Honestly I don´t think that Kevin would protect me if there were some stalking fans. Putting his nose in my business that was another matter. My body-guard's name was Billy and he has been my security during our past tours too.


I sighed, as I was starting to become really bored. And when I get bored I get restless and then my leg starts to bounce. Needless to say AJ, who was seated beside me, was starting to get pretty annoyed.


" Nick, stop that!" he said after I had moved on my seat for the umpth teenth time. When I didn´t stop he snarled. " Do you have something stuck in your ass or what?"


Being smart I laughed, " Yeah, your head!"


This didn´t actually improve the situation, " If you don´t knock that off I am going to make you pick pieces of this seat out of your ass with a pair of tweezers!"


Bad words. Bad words.


Ohhh how scared I became. Grinning I gave my seat-mate the finger, just to be met with a slap on the back of the head.


" Ouch that hurt," I whined and rubbed with my hand on the sore spot.


AJ said nothing. He acted like I was air. Instead, I looked around on the bus. Maybe I could get some attention from Kevin. Fat chance.


Mr I-am-filming-everything-that-looks-ugly, was there with his video camera. Kevin carried it around everywhere. Saying that he is going to show Kristin and his family the places he has been too. Like if they would be interested in all those ugly buildings. When me and Brian wanted to film him, when he came out of the shower, getting hit with a bucket of cold water, we were not allowed to do this. THAT however I am sure that Kristin would have liked to see.


Glancing around in the bus I see that Howie has his headphones on and is listening to music. Gosh, I wish I would have done that. If only I brought my portable CD player, the music always calms me down.


Then something suddenly caught my eye. All the guys, including Johnny were dressed in the same black ski jackets with Backstreet Boys written in white on the sleeve,all but me. As I look down on AJ´s feet I notice that he has on some black boots too, the same as the rest of the boys.


Promotion clothes!


Now I am seriously getting pissed off. Anger is starting to build up and soon ít is starting to boil over. I´ll bet that they have on long johns too!


AJ looks at me, as my face is starting to get redder and redder from anger. " What is wrong now?" he asks, just to be met with a short " Nothing! Mind your own business"


" Hey man," AJ raise his arm to shield away, " You don´t have to spit bile on me" Ignoring him I raise my voice to high C and call out, " Johnny!"


With a sigh Johnny turns on his head, showing me some attention since he knows that I don´t shut up until someone listens to me.


"How come you guys all have ski jackets and boots and I don´t have anything!" I said in the tone that could be classified as whiny. There is silence in the bus.


It wasn´t Johnny, but Kevin who opened up next line. " Nick didn´t you bring that bag that you received a week ago?"


"What bag?" I sneered, flaring with my arms like I do when I get really mad.


Now Johnny had picked up some air and he said in an irritated tone, " Nick, don´t tell me that you didn´t bring it?"


"What?? What bag?" Panic rose in my voice. I could feel AJ´s hands on my shoulder trying to calm me down, but I was much too cross to listen to anyone, but myself. If it is one thing that I hate it is when the guys speak to me in riddles.


"The black and white bag," AJ dipped his nose into this conversation.


I was surprised that Denise had not made a statement yet. Dark thoughts, dark thoughts.


"Oh"

Shit I thought it was some of my mother's laundry and I had sent it to the dry cleaner. This was something that I would NOT reveal, so I had to put up an act. As I accused the management and then the delivery boy for loosing my belongings. My anger was rising a knot. I know that it was a lousy shot towards innocent people, but my mind had started to "stutter" again. I had been blamed one time too many for stuff that I hadn´t done. No way. I was not going to take blame for this, getting deeper into shit. Beside it was their fault since they hadn´t told me what was in the bag. And what a stupid idea to send the clothes in a bag!


"NICK!" It was Johnny that had called out trying to get my attention. Apparently, he was fed up with me bull shitting. Breathing hard I looked at him, no more like glared. "Nick, you are so lucky." Johnny was drawing out the words. It was like he enjoyed getting me worked up. Being the sadist that he was.


"What the heck do you mean?" I was starting to become impatient, since this conversation was dragging out in time. "NICK" Kevin's turn to freak out.


Hey I know! Let´s all have a freak out party. We can cuss and scream at each other, by the way isn´t that called group therapy, or a soap opera?


" I brought an extra bag and it happens to be in your size." He smiled, handing me the bag, that he had with him. Calmly he told me that my mother had called telling him yesterday morning that I had sent the bag to the dry cleaners, and that I had forgot it. Johnny had some extra promotion clothes that he was going to give to the record company guys and they were my size.


Saved by the bell again.


"Oh Nicky, next time try not to make up such a fairy tale." Johnny grinned widely. There was lots of laughter and snide comments on the bus. But not even a small smile came over my lips, instead I felt as pissed as ever.


Bastard, he knew all the time. He just wanted me to be put to the test, the sadist that he was. Sulking I looked out of the window, refusing to meet anyone's eyes. If this was what he wanted, to humiliate me, I would NOT put on any of those warm clothes. No I would rather suffer and die from pneumonia or a frozen dick. The latter didn´t sound too tempting, but hey what don´t you do for the cause.


Besides Johnny the Menace and Kevin ( I dragged him into this too since I bet that he knew) were going to have lots of explaining to do when I ended up dead, frozen to death. I know, I have vivid imagination and I almost smiled at the plan, I had set for myself. The bus came to a halt and we went off the bus into the record company. Fans were outside and for a brief moment I stopped and gave away some hugs and wrote autographs. It was so cold and I started to regret that I was so stubborn, yet I would NEVER give up without a fight. This boy would rather suffer, and that I did. My hands were stiff and I had trouble writing with a pen.


Howie, the nice guy that he was, had taken upon himself, the quest of looking after me, since that is generally Brian's task. Sweet D´ was following me in my tracks and I he was almost breathing down my neck. Litterally. This was going to be fun. Howie and a big body guard watching every step that I took.


Maybe death wasn't so bad after all.


As soon as we were inside the building and had met the record people from yesterday, I decided to be difficult. Resolutely I announced that I was going to the loo, ignoring the sour comments that came from Johnny and the boys. If there is one thing that Johnny and Kevin dislike, it is when something interrupts their precious schedule. And if there is something that Nick likes, it is to make life difficult for them.... So off I went, Howie in tow.


Gosh, can´t these guys even leave me alone to pee???


Inside the restroom, I fled into a stall, locking the door behind me. Sitting down on the toilet lid I just waited for my name to be mentioned and true to my words, I didn´t have to wait long until Howie uttered " Nick?"


Not answering, I was sulking, wanting him to leave.


"Nick!" This time Howie's voice was a bit firmer. " Are you all right?"


No! I am not. I want to go home!" Yeah, leave me alone."


" Nick, you know you shouldn't act like such a baby. You are seventeen years old. What will the record people think?"


So who died and left you in charge? Kevin?


" You don´t have to be in here," I snapped. "I'm going to take a dump"


Howie wasn´t easily fooled. I have to work more on my skills of wrapping him around my finger. " I´ll wait."


Howie was either a secret bathroom stalker or he was actually concerned for me, however I wanted to sulk on my own and wasn´t going to surrender without a fight. I know that I am very childish, but somehow I don´t think it is nice to drag people out in the cold, to make fun of them, and then rob them of their well needed sleep. And this I was going to state.


The guys were going to have their hands full with me on this tour. Miserable, I longed for Brian. I know it is foolish, but Brian always knows what to do in situations like this. I fingered the cell phone. But first I had to get rid of Howie, since it was way to embarrassing to let him know that I called Brian, whenever things heated up.


" Howie," I grunted hard." Go, I am really constipated!" I most have sounded like I was trying to shit out a basketball. A dirty trick, but in war, everything is allowed.


That should do it!


" Hey man, that sounds bad. Maybe you should try some prunes?" Howie made no attempt to leave the premises and I was starting to get desperate. Kevin would soon be down here wondering where we were and then there would be no time to call Brian. And I really needed to talk to him.


" Yeah, maybe" I sighed, " You know Howie, I don´t want to sound rude but I would feel better if you could leave me alone for a while." I grunted again to state my point.


Finally, Howie must have picked up the line, and he said, " OK, alright, but let me know if there is anything that you need, ok?"

p> "Uh huh," Yeah, Yeah, Now split.


After reassuring him several times, that I was ok, Howie left. By the concern he was showing, Brian had probably told him to keep an eye on me. Ok, you might think that the guys always follow me to the bathroom, but that is not the case. Although, I have to admit that issues like this are not so hard to talk about since you kind of get used to sharing everything when you are stuck with four guys day in and day out for five years.


If you think that these things are disgusting and should not be talked about, you better leave now since I can be a rather descriptive and gross person.


I didn´t waste much time before I called the hotel. Yup I had written down the phone number on a napkin in case I needed it. This came from a past experience when I had gotten lost in a city, not knowing where I was or what the hotel's name was, only that it was a big hotel. Very clever, this was one of the first times, we were in Germany and I was totally lost. Then I found a police station and went in there. They found out where I lived, so I could be returned to the boys and my mom. The down part was that they were very mad at me for disappearing like that. Sigh.


I waited several signals before a scratchy voice came to the phone. " Hello?"


" Brian?" Oh I woke him up. Now I felt bad. Selfish.


"Nick?" Brian coughed harshly.


" Yeah man, how are you doing?" I was doing my best to sound cheerful, but it didn´t fool Brian.


"What´s the matter? Nick. Has something happened," Brian's voice was soft as always.


At that moment I could cry, yet I shaped myself up. After all I was seventeen, and seventeen year old boys don´t cry to their best friends. Even if they felt so exhausted and miserable that they wanted to pass out.


I steadied my voice. " No..nothing."


" Nick, come on. What is it? Where are you?" Brian was concerned and I could just picture him sitting up in bed, trying to comfort his friend on the other line.


" At the rec..record company. The Loo" Now the damm broke and I could feel the tears that had wanted out for so long start to run down my cheek. Great!


" The loo? Are you sick? Where are the rest of the boys? Kevin?" The questions were several and they were asked in rapid sessions.


I felt a bit bad since I was sitting here, bawling my eyes out, having Brian to comfort me in the miserable state that he was in. But isn´t that what friends are for?


" No. I. I just feel so lo..lonley" Sobbing I told Brian about how Johnny had made me look bad. Leaving out the parts that I had refused to admit, that it was my fault that the bag had gotten lost. There is no need to make the guy upset. After all he is sick.


After I let out all that I had on my heart and Brian comforting me for a while through the phone, I felt tons better. Isn´t it strange that lifting off some pain from the heart makes you like a whole new person. I felt ready to grab onto life again.


"Thanks" I whispered to Brian.


"What for? I am your friend, Frack. You know that and you can turn to me for everything." There are no doubt about it. BRIAN is the BEST!!!!!


"Nick! Have you got stuck in the toilet or what?" AJ was calling out for my attention.


Big sigh. " No, AJ I am fine. I am coming now." Turning to Brian I said that I had to go and hung up. I flushed the toilet so it didn´t look to suspicious and went outside to wash my hands. After all the guys thought that I took care of different matters than my lonliness. No not in THAT way, not this time.


AJ looked at me suspisciously. He is NEVER fooled. " Who did you talk to?"


I shrugged, "No one." Please let me sound a bit convincing. Apparently I didn´t succeed as he instantly asked me " Man are you all right? Have you been crying?"


I shook my head. " No, I just had a hard time..you know. Stomach ache." I could just hope that he didn´t press on the issue and sure enough AJ stopped asking questions, played along with my game.


If it is something I respect AJ for it is that he knows when to stop, and leave something alone. That is unlike the rest of the guys. AJ has always such a cool attitude. He never gets really heated up, and emotional for something like this.


"Awww.." AJ said, " Most suck, you better now, man?"


" Yeah!"


" Maybe you are coming down with the same shit as Brian," he said lightly and opened up the door for me to get outside.


I nodded. " Yeah maybe"

"Nick, can I talk to you?" Denise McLean asked, as she urged me to come along with her towards the corner of the conference room. Judging by the look at her face she had something serious to tell me.


" Ok," I mumbled as I followed her. I was just waiting for her to chew me out since she got the same look as my mother has when I have done something that upsets her. It can be anything in a wide range of things from stealing food in the middle of the night to cussing in front of Aunt Martha. Not to mention that time when me and a friend Dianne decided to wash our dogs, in the Living room. She was more sour than a lemon.


We had all needed break after sitting in a meeting with the record company for nearly two hours, discussing details about our upcoming new CD. My butt ached and I was getting cramps in my legs from sitting still so long. Even if I had changed position every minute according to Kevin. He actually yelled at me one time to try and sit still. I became pissed. Can I help if my whole body starts to itch in a strange way when I am forced to attend meetings like this?


On top of it I was tired, hungry, and needed to pee. I had lost interest a long time ago. Kevin as well as AJ had poked me in my side, several times trying to get my attention. I wouldn´t be surprised if a bruise was slowly starting to form on both my sides. I wonder how they were going to explain this abuse to my mother when I decided to show her how bad they were treating me.


Johnny most have thought that I lacked interest too since all of my answers were either yes, no, or I don't know. I got a hand full of not so nice comments from him as soon as the record people were out of reach.


And now I was in for another round with Denise. Oh how joyful this day turned out to be!


" Nick, I have been watching you all the time and you are not paying the slightest bit of attention to this meeting. What is your problem?" Denise sounded very annoyed with my behavior. She whispered in a harsh voice that I was being disrespectful and that she couldn´t tolerate that!.


I listened and nodded as she continued with scolding me, saying that I could at least show a bit more gratitude. According to her, there were many teenagers that would do anything to be in the same position that I was in now.


Oh, I wonder! Knowing teens in my age, they would rather sleep in than attend meetings like this. This I did not say out loud since I do know my limits. Even if you don´t think so, Nick Carter knows how to act in formal settings.


" I am sorry Denise," I said sounding a bit whimpy. " It´s just that I am very jet legged from the flight and it is so hard to keep awake."


That´s it Carter, pull those strings!


Denise softened at these words and she said a bit more gently, " I know Nick. I know," She even ruffled my hair a bit, which by the way I dislike. She said that this would soon be over and that I could get a nap before going to the next event.


"Ok," With that the conversation ended and I couldn´t help smiling a bit smugly since I had won the battle again. Denise was soooo wrapped around my finger.


Johnny, however, was not and judging by the look he gave me, I'd better shape up or he was going to feed me to the dogs, or even worse give me a contract with N´sync.


The break was over and I was once again stuck in that dreaded position. Johnny was going over the tour schedule and he started with these comforting sentences," You will have a very pressed with this hard schedule," he started. " That is life in this business and if you can´t hack it you better get another profession."


Johnny was right. This was going to be an exhausting schedule. Here in Stockholm we were going to give one concert, tomorrow night. After the show we had to leave right away so we could travel by night, in the bus to Gothenburg. There we had our next show. As if it wasn´t bad enough, the schedule was filled with press conferences, rehearsals and other public appearances. Norway and Oslo would be next and after doing the north Scandinavia, we were scheduled to go to Denmark, where we were also going by the bus. The bus was going to be our home for the next few months. What was going to happen in the next weeks, I paid no attention, since my brain works that way. I can only concentrate on so many days. Otherwise it feels like an eternity.


Kevin on the other hand probably had everything worked out until we were going to Spain. He is an organizer and wants everything planned out beforehand. Unfortunately for him, me and AJ are unpredictable and this is something that Kevin hates.


This was my only day off for a while and as it dawned upon me that there was nothing planned this evening. I decided to book myself with a hot date: My Nintendo.


My plans were brutally crossed when Johnny announced that we were all going to go out for dinner tonight. A sort of "get together-dinner" Sourly I glared at Johnny. He looked back at me, giving me a smug grin and at that second I started to think that Johnny had planned this dinner just to spite me. More black thoughts.


With a sigh I decided that my life sucked. Bad.


******


After the meeting we headed straight to the bus. There were several fans still waiting outside the record company as well as the hotel. After giving out hugs until I didn´t know if I could stand it any longer, we were back in the warmth.


It was not the actual of task of hugging that was the hardest, no mind you hugging is actually pretty nice especially if it is going to be some cute blonde that is the target for this action. No it was the cold that was starting to set into my bones. I had been my old stubborn self. and I was still wearing this thin jacket which had me shivering like mad.


Denise noticed this unfit clothing and she made a comment about this more than one time. Kevin was also commenting about my outfit. Since when did he become the fashion police? Or was he a concerned mother? Ewww as things were coming along Kevin would soon be pay attention to whether I had clean underwear or not!


This thought had me loosing my appetite. I was seated wíth the rest of the guys, minus Brian and Denise, at a Swedish Restaurant about to order some food. Johnny as well as four guys from the record company were also joining us. But they had a different table, no doubt not wanting to be connected to us.


It could have had something to do with me and AJ folding airplanes out of our napkins. Or that we decided to see if they actually could fly. And yup they sure did as they landed in some guy's soup. Needless to say that guy was pretty cross at us and Johnny had to butt in or things would have gotten ugly.


Eyeing through the menu I had a hard time deciding what to get, mainly because it was on Swedish and I didn´t understand shit!


" Nick, man. What will you have?" Howie asked as I sighed heavily. There was not a single thing that I understood, but the pics on the menu told me that what ever I would order it would be some pretty hot stuff. I glared at Johnny, talking and laughing to the record people, who's names I have forgotten. He could have chosen a better restaurant.


What is wrong with Hamburger or even better Pizza? I am pretty sure that I saw a Pizza Hut here too. But oh NO, Johnny had decided that we needed to celebrate this tour so he had dragged us along to one of Stockholm's "Hottest" Restaurant, in more ways than one.


This celebrating thing seemed a little off to me since hearing the schedule we had ahead of us, there was very little to be happy about. AJ had commented that we were going to have such a tight schedule that we had to plan in some time to shit. Don´t take me wrong. Concerts and shows I love. It is just that with touring there are so many other things like interviews, TV shows and photo shoots. Not to mention autographs signing at all these different places. I don´t dislike it, it is just that this PR stuff usually gets so tiring after a while. Besides I am a performer, not some publicity figure that likes to have his face plastered all over the place. I don´t like to talk about my family either, mainly because it reminds me of my life back in the states, and then the homesickness gets even worse when the evening comes. I am actually a pretty shy guy that wants to keep my privacy to myself.


We have rehearsals almost every day and after the concerts it is "the meet and greet" that is high on the schedule. This leads to late nights and no spare time which is a NO on Nicks suck list.


"Can´t they have this in English?" I muttered, gesturing towards the menu in hand.


"Oh Nick," Kevin says and turned the menu to the page. Ok there it was in English. Good now I can decide. But nope Johnny the Menace had other plans. " Since this is a special occasion, I want you guys to order something that you have never eaten before"


Me and AJ let out a loud groan.


We both dislike trying out new dishes. Maybe because they have mostly been disasterous experiences in the past. I remember that time when AJ tasted sushi for the first time. We were meeting these Japanese guys for an upcoming promotion and they ordered sushi for us. AJ took one bite, than he spit it out on the table in front of them. Sooo nasty. After that I didn´t want to taste sushi. No way. So that is a dish that I refuse to eat. My own disasters I´ll tell you about some other time. When we are not eating!


After lots of discussion I picked out some sort spicy meat and rice. Kevin and Howie are always trying to be gourmets, decided that they were going to try frog legs! Yuck! AJ stuck to his hamburger. Being the rebel he is, Johnny didn´t even raise his eyebrows. Talk about how they treat us in different ways!


If it had been me that had refused, I would have gotten chewed out so bad. Here is more evidence that AJ is specially treated since he can go clubbing, even if he is underage. Me on the other hand, must to be at the hotel. Not that I mind so much since I rather play a Nintendo game then snug a girl. At least most of the times.


Brian was still sick and Denise had accompanied him since he was running a high fever and she didn´t want to leave him alone. Johnny thought that this was ok since Brian needed to be up doing a show tomorrow. Personally I doubted that he was fit for this since the last thing I saw of him, when I left the hotel room, was his head stuck in the toilet. Ok not really stuck, but you know literally stuck!


When I was a small kid in school there were these older guys and since they thought I was a nerd, a mamas boy that sang and danced all the time in other words "A fag". They stuck my head in the toilet bowl saying that they were going to baptize me. And then they flushed. It hurt my head and ears so much that I started to cry. But the worst thing was the humiliation when my teacher and my mom found out this. So technically I have had my head stuck in the toilet too.


I was feeling a bit jealous at Brian. Ok not that I really wanted to be in his position, it was just that he was getting all this attention. Kevin was showing so much concern for his cousin that he actually went out and bought him a new CD. Like he would ever do this for me! With my luck I would get some nasty cough syrup forced down my throat!


And then Johnny was so nice with Brian saying that it was ok if he stayed at the hotel. If it had been me, I would have to drag my sorry ass to the restaurant, even if I was delerious with fever. Life is sooo unfair. Especially if your name is Nicholas Gene Carter.


I hadn´t said much during the whole dinner, mainly because I was sulking over my life, and Howie leaned over to me, whispering, "Are you ok?"


I sighed. Always the same question. Whenever I space out or is more quiet than usual, the guys start asking about my health. Do I have a sign or something that says " I look like shit!". Then on the other hand when I am feeling sick (for real) they call me a whiner!


"Yeah, just hungry." I mumbled, which was in part true, since I had a slight stomach ache, probably from nervousness over the whole tour. Brian says that the reason why I often have a stomachache is because I have too many bottled up feelings that want to get out. He can be so psychological sometimes. Would fit perfect as a therapist. Or a talk show host.


Finally our food arrived and I eyed it with suspicion. It looked hot! The meat was a bit red, and I poked at it with my fork, nose schrunced. Why couldn´t I get pizza or a Hamburger like AJ. Kevin and even Howie looked as sick as I felt when they dug into their frog legs. Anyway I decided to taste it, after all my stomach was screaming from hunger pains. Surprised I found that it was actually good. A bit hot, but good. There was a red pepper laying on the plate and I picked at it.


AJ looked at me, then he grinned. " I dare you to eat that one,"


If there is something that gets Nick going, it is when someone challenges me. It could be about anything. Mostly Nintendo games. But I have taken upon challenges like doing flips off the diving board, to who can burp most times or eat most hot dogs! I have this urge to win and I do everything (almost) for victory. This is something that often gets me into trouble, yet I have to fulfill it. And this is something AJ and Brian loves to use.


Taking up the challenge I smiled. " Ok, you are on". Kevin tried desperately to talk me out of it, saying that I would be sorry, but I wasn´t listening. What can possible be wrong with eating a red chili pepper?


I have tasted green ones and they are not too bad. With that in mind I soon realized my mistake.


Taking the whole pepper in the mouth I set my teeth in it. It burned a bit, but not so much. Grinning I was just about to tell AJ that he had lost when I felt the heat set it. And it was bad!!!! In total fright I swallowed the red hot chili pepper and I start to cough like crazy!!!


It was so hoooooottttt!!!! and I just wanted to die.


I downed my water glass in a jiffy, then I picked up AJ´s beer, downing it too. " Hey!" He called out, between his laughs.


Howie and AJ were laughing so much that I thought they would wet their pants. Kevin was red in his face from embarassment. Hey, Kev it is me that swallowed a pepper, not you.


I coughed, choked, sputtered as I downed Howie's water glass too. The sounds that I made in the small restaurant had all people turn their heads towards our direction. It burned like hell!!


"Ohhhh" I wailed as I grabbed my throat. My eyes were watering and I coughed, thinking that a lung would be up next. Kevin who was the only one trying to be mature about the situation, grabbed me and tried to shield me with his jacket. This action had me coughing even more and I thought that I was going to die.


"Get a grip" Kevin wheezed in my ears, while he tried to act calm.


Easy for you to say, you don´t have a fire down your throat. As my coughs were slowing down the laughs was dying down too. Just to start up with comments. And I tell you they were NOT nice.


" Nick, next time you fart we better call the fire squad," AJ laughed so much that his eyes were watering. " Since there will be flames". Now Howie was rolling (almost) over the table laughing too. Even Kevin was grinning.


As if things weren't bad, Johnny was getting mad at me saying that I acted like a child and that I was doing this to get attention. And attention I got. The record guys as well as the whole restaurant was looking in my direction and I just wanted to disappear.


A waiter was coming with a whole pitcher of cold water and I downed another glass while the comments were falling over me.


" Are you trying to put out a fire? Keep that up and you will piss your pants."


Oh how humiliating this was.


I felt like a fool. How could I be so stupid as to eat a chili pepper? A whole one. And a red! I had done it again. Set a record in stupidity and the comments were coming all the evening. Let´s just say that next time I hear the name "Red hot chili pepper" (the band) being mentioned there is a new meaning to it!


By the end of the evening, I could even laugh about the incident. After all nothing bad had happened right? Then you haven´t suffered the consequences of eating red chili pepper.!!!!! All I can say is that Brian could thank his lucky stars that his nose was all stuffed up.


N´stink clouded up the room.

Shit!


I wake up with a jerk. Overslept again. A bit cross, I look over at the bed where Brian is sleeping, since he has made no attempt to wake me up this time. Then I remember that B'rok is out with the flu and that he is running a temperature of 102.5 degrees.


He is forgiven, for the time being.


Groaning I walk into the bathroom. Feeling like a zombie. Looking into the mirror an ugly face is staring back at me. Sticking out my tongue to the reflection only makes me feel moderately better. Critically, I eye my face, only to discover that one more zit has made a home on my cheek. Crap. I tried to press out the white gunk from the zit, when I hear a knock on the door.


Brian most have opened up since Kevin's voice is booming on the other side. Great, now Mr. Perfect has decided to check up on me too.


As I brush my teeth, after giving up the futile attempt to squeeze my zits, I notice that my throat is really sore. Must have had something to do with last nights "chili pepper" incident. And that is not the only body part that feels sore today! I have been suffering all night from a stomach ache, ready to burst. And burst I did! Big time. I never knew that a stomach could hurt so much from being windy. It was early dawn before I even got an eye shut.


Brian, on the other hand, had snored all night, except for coughing occasionally. Ok, I have to give him credit for sleeping restlessly as he has been mumbling some incoherent words all night long.


As I rub my sore stomach my mind wonders off to the previous night. Wonder how they could survive in the Wild West since their diet was mainly consistent of chili and beer. Did they have air freshener back then too? Speaking of fresh air. This room really needed a touch of Lysol since there were a shortage oxygen. My smell isn´t the only scent that is lingering in the room. Brian's sickness is just as bad and I am surprised that Kevin dared to come into this disaster area.


" Hi Nick," Kevin looks up at me as I walk to my bed and then sit down. Yawning. I give a short nod.


Brian turns his head towards me. " Frack, man! Are you still suffering from that stomach ache?" he asks with a hint of concern in his voice.


I shake my head as I start to put on a pair of navy blue pants and a t-shirt and a checked shirt, all in blue. It kind of fits the mood that I am in today.


Blue.


Seriously, I don´t really know what my mood is since my brain hasn´t even start to revive. It is much too early for doing any brain activities. Rule number one is that before noon Nick never should be asked any questions or do anything that require use of brain cells!


" You sure man?" Brian continued, not wanting to drop my health subject. Apparently he knows that I have been pretty bad off. At one time last night I was seriously thinking that the appendix was going to burst. Kevin had a hot appendix one time in Germany about two years ago. He was very sick.


" Yes" Now drop it!


After Kevin had been reassured that Brian was going to survive another day he turns his attention to me, " Are you sick too?" He eyes me up and down trying to judge if I should be sent to a hospital or not.


" Nah, you know it was that Chili that kept me up all night." I felt my face start to blush and Kevin gave a small laugh.


" Yeah, that can be pretty bad." Then he turned to Brian to once again tell him the story of "red chili pepper" and Brian laughed so much that he started to cough and Kevin had to slap him on his back. Served him right to be choking when he was laughing at my despair.


As I started to take on my boots I thought that the topic was dropped. But Oh No!


" You most have been pretty bad off since one time I swear that you were farting so loud that the windows rattled." Brian laughed even more as he continued, " It had to be an eight in the Richter scale!" This comment had both Kevin and Brian laughing their asses off. I however was not at all amused by the situation. Sticking out my tongue I made my point clear.


" Ok, ok if you guys have stopped making fun of me and my "problems" then maybe I can get something to eat" I said sourly.


" Nick you´re late, which means that we have all eaten breakfast a long time ago. But you can grab a yogurt and some fruit and eat it in the bus before we go to the Tv-show!"


What?? A TV show?


Suddenly this didn´t sound so promising. "Uh.Kev.Uh," I started, rubbing my stomach to emphasize the feeling, " My stomach feels really eh..unsure..so I don´t think that a TV-show is such a good idea." The outcome wasn´t as I expected and Kevin showed no mercy, instead Brian butted in joking about my situation.


" That´s Ok Nick," he giggled, " If you have to let one go, just let the guys know so.." he coughed between the laughs, " so they can hide for cover!"


He he he..very funny!


Brian and Kevin were very amused at this and as Train ushered me out through the door the laughter echoed in the room. Me, I stuck my head back in, giving my bro a finger. Brotherly love!


If I thought that the jokes would have eased down I couldn´t be more wrong. As soon as I entered the bus, carrying my yogurt and one banana I was met with AJ´s sweet comment." Shit Kaos, I thought you had left the place for good,"


" Uh? What? Where?" I said a bit confused before my mind even registered what my band brother was saying. This is one of my biggest flaws. I speak before thinking and this has had me in for trouble one time too many.


"To the moon, rocket fuel you know" AJ made some sounds expressions with his mouth that had the whole bus rolling with laughter.


Oh AJ. I promise I get you back.


Even Howie made a lame attempt to joke on my behalf. " Nick I hear that you are not feeling too hot, strange I thought that chili was hot enough for you" Ha ha Howie. Watch me. I stuck my index finger down my throat to show him my utter contempt for his witty jokes.


After about 100 jokes the guys finally got sick and tired of laughing at me and my mishap. It also ended up that we were at the TV Station. I was in no mood for being in public and sulking I walked inside the station and then sat down, not saying a word. Blaming my silence on being jetlagged.


And NO, there was no need for the guys to take cover!


*********


" One, two, three..Nick watch out"


" Ouchhh.."


"Nick!!! Pay attention"


"Nick, wrong cue. One more time"


"NICK!!!!"


This was like an ordinary day at rehearsal before an concert. Today had been a very stressed out schedule and we had met the press, done a TV show and also managed to fit in a record signing a big store down town. Needless to say I was dead on my feet.


I was trying hard to follow the dance steps that I knew so well, yet it was like my legs refused to co-operate. Somehow I think that being up all night due to the chili pepper incident can make you a little off. This was an understatement, as Kevin who loudly explained that "I sucked and if I didn´t shape up my act they would have to cancel the whole tour due to my poor performance.


Fine.


Feeling cross, I tried to explain that I was doing my best, yet I always got chewed out. The need to bawl came over me again. I always tried my hardest to do my best when I am rehearsing for a concert or being on stage. To Johnny and Kevin that wasn´t enough. They yelled at me all the the time and I had no one there to defend me. Kevin could be such a bitch when Brian wasn´t around.


Kevin is often a pretty nice guy and I know that deep inside he cares for me. He just has the strangest way of showing it to me. It´s just that Kevin has this need to control his surroundings, including me, and that pisses me off. Like Johnny and Denise he has a habit of making me feel like a seven year old. It might have to do something with me being 9 years younger than Kevin. Anyway we fight all the time.


Brian, was the lucky one, he wasn´t at rehearsal. He was still sick. Still puking, complaining that his throat hurt and I sincerely doubt that he will make it to the concert tonight. Johnny says he will, but I am calling the cards on this one. I know that Denise is going to take Brian to the doctors today and I suspect that he is going to get a red card. Red card means that he can´t perform at tonight's show. Green card means that he has a clearance of health.


At Globen I had gone down to the vending machine and now had Snickers Bar together with a coke safely nested inside of me. Not much for a growing guy, but it would have to do until the rehearsal was over. Maybe my lack of food had something to do with the wooziness than I felt in my head. It was making it difficult to focus on my surroundings and my head ached like a bitch.


"Nick, try to focus" Kevin,"The Perfect" shouted when I had bounced into him for the second time, in a time limit of five minutes. He was very annoyed at me and when I wasn´t prepared he stopped in mid dancing and started to give me the lecture of my life.


Suddenly I had enough.


"Jeeze Kevin. You are always bitching around, "Nick do this," "Nick do that" I draw after my breath, " I am so sick and tired of you bossing me. To you I never do anything perfect. "I shouted so loud that my head was threatening to blow from my own sound.


"Nick," Kevin started, but I was far from finished.


" You are at my ass whatever I do. Knock it off" This was a bad move. Very bad. If there something that Kevin dislikes, besides running late on schedule, it is when I am telling him off.


Kevin, that is always so calm when other people are around, started to yell at me, saying that same old story that I was immature and that I was acting like a baby.


Howie, who had been out for a moment, came in, hushing Kevin down, " Hey guys, keep it down." He gestured towards the door. Some press people were lingering outside and we always have to keep and good face to them.


That ended our fight and I sat down with a loud sigh. Taking a sip from my water bottle I murmured, " I am so tired" AJ hunched down beside me, " It´s Ok Nick. I know that you have stage nerves".


Although this wasn´t my main problem right now, he was sooo right. On top of every nerve problem there is, I also suffered from stage fright or stage nerves. Me and Kevin! Brian only suffers from it when it comes to attending some award show. Me and Kevin all the time. Kevin who wants everything to be perfect, suffers badly and there are more than one time when we had to drag him out of the backstage toilet. Howie the calm person that he is drinks his tea, says it´s calming his innards. Like if they can ever be upset? AJ is NEVER nervous. He just does goes out to the audience or press and does his things. Me, I am ready to shit my pants. Pardon the brutal statement.


The strange thing is that the minute I hit the stage, the nervousness is gone with the wind. It´s like the audience is eating bread crumbs from our hands. It's an awesome feeling. This is the best feeling there is. I get high, no not that kind of high, when I am out there singing and dancing. Before going on a stage I can be feeling like shit, but the second I am out there I become ALIVE!!!


" I am NOT nervous." I state a bit stubbornly.


AJ says nothing, just shakes his head. Then he gives me his hand, helping me up again as Kevin is yelling that it is time to continue again. The band starts playing and before AJ lets my hand go he whispers, " Try to do it correct this time"


AJ is a person that is hard to understand. There are times when he can be the best of guys.. A great listener, that can even take my side. There is no one that can be as crazy as him and I love him for that. Then there are times when he does everything to make my life as shity as possible. Teasing me has become an art form. Deep inside he is a guy that thinks a lot. He is really smart, I think the brightest guy in the group. It is a pity that he didn´t go to high school since he would have aced it. If he wasn´t so damned rebellious. The rebellion, or stalion inside him makes him think with his dick and on more than one occasion he has ended up in big trouble.


He is a person that can get along with everyone. He is really sociable and we can get along pretty good with each other. Before I started to room in with Brian we used to share hotel rooms, but we had to stop since we were up all night, doing all kinds of stuff. There is only a two years difference between us, yet AJ often is so much more mature than me. Sometimes.


"Nick, Are you paying attention at all?" Kevin was still cross and he didn´t spare an opportunity to share it with me.


I nodded, " Yeah"


"Ok, let´s do it one more time, so we can wrap it up and get some rest." It was Johnny that had entered the scene and I did my best one more time. I could tell when the guys were tired of me, screwing up all the time. It was all so serious when Brian wasn´t around. We need him since he cheers us up with his crazy and goofy jokes. I might be a prankster, but Brian is the one that makes everyone laugh. Especially Kevin.


Finally Johnny and Kevin (always have something to say about the schedule) decided that we had enough and I was last to hit the shower room. Afterwards we were going to due some interviews and then there was the concert. Johnny had promised us a short break at the hotel before going to the concert and I sincerely hoped that he was holding to his promise. I needed to get a quick nap, ánd to pack my bags. We were going to travel early in the morning.


The interviews went without any disasters, mainly because I was too tired to say anything stupid, in fact i think I uttered one or two lines. I was so silent that the journalist asked if there were something wrong, but before I could answer Kevin butted in saying that it was all peachy. Ok it might not been his exact words, but the message were the same.


When the interview was over me and AJ hit McDonalds. Oh, I forgot. We are not alone. I had my body guard Billy hanging behind me all the time since there were fans everywhere. Very surealistic. I can´t imagine that girls are screaming their heads of when I am coming. I have had more proposals then I can count and girls are clinging into me. Wanting to have hugs all the time.


It is fun, but also frightening. They are in love with Nick the Backstreet Boy. Not Nick, that is me. I highly doubt that they would find ME so attractive since I can be really nasty and gross in times. Like all seventeen old teenage boys. If you have a teenage brother you know what I am talking about. I am not very romantic either. The most romantic stuff I have done to a girl was to take her out for a pizza.


How is that for lover boy?


Guess who is the most romantic person in the band? There are two. Kevin and AJ. Not Brian, like everybody would think. At one time Kevin sent Kristin 100 roses. It was one rose for each day they had been together since their last break up. They have a weird relationship since they keep breaking up and then getting back at each other, Brian says that it is because they can't live without each other. He also thinks that they will get married in the future.


AJ did something similar. He once took Amanda up on the tower of Eiffel, when we were in France last time, and there he told the whole world how much he loved her. He also said that they made love up there which me and Brian highly doubt,. AJ is secretly scared of heights. Anyway AJ can be like a real gentleman, with flaws.


Enough of mush for now. After devouring a Quarter Pounder, thank you America for bringing McDonalds to the world, so I can feel at home, every where. (I borrowed AJ´s word), we headed straight to the hotel. There was roughly an hour before we had to go to the venue.


I knocked several times at the door before Brian opened up. His hair was sticking up all over the place and it looked like he had been sleeping.


"Hey" he said and let me in, before heading back to bed. He still looked as bad as when I had left him in the morning. Coughing several times he crawled under the covers. Now I was pretty sure that we had to do the show without Brian.


"Frick, how are you doing?" I flopped down on my own bed, kicking of my sneakers before I lay down. I shivered as the cold Swedish weather really messed up my body temperature.


"So and so," Brian answered, not very talkative. He is always rather silent when he is sick and the flu that he had caught was pretty bad.


"Did you go to the doctor?" I asked lightly. Brian never likes to talk about his own health, maybe because he had a heart problem when he was little and came close to dying.


"Yeah, he gave me the red card" I knew it. No performance for Brian Littrell.


"Shit, what did Johnny say?" I rose on my arms, so I could take a better look at my friend.


" He wasn´t too happy." Brian stopped then he said, " I have Strep Throat and sinuses".


Strep Throat.and Tonsilitis, or singers infection is a disease that is rather common in this business and I tell you it ain´t no picnic. I´ve had it several times and there is nothing worse. Ok, maybe stomach flu then, but other than that Strep sucks.


He gestured to his bed table that was stocked with all sorts of remedies. " I got some antibiotics". With a sigh he lay down on the bed.


I feel so sorry for him. Being sick abroad is bad. Having Strep is worse.


"Will you go down to the venue?" I asked.


He shook his head, negative. " No I have a fever of 103 and I feel like a truck ran me down."


At that moment I wanted to hug Brian. He looked so lost. I really wished that Samantha could be here to comfort him.


" Denise has been with me all day. And I am totally exhausted." he rolled his eyes when he mentioned her name. Denise was great,, it was just that she liked to talk so much that sometimes it was hard to concentrate on your own thoughts.


She loves to talk about Alexander. Especially when he was a little kid. Strangely AJ never seem uncomfortable when she is telling all those embarrassing things that he did as a little kid. Me, I would rather strangle my self, than listen to my mother telling me that I looked cute sitting on the pot!


"Bri, do you know that we are leaving early tomorrow morning?"


" Yeah, I´ll try to straighten up here until you come back."


The schedule had been so tight and I hadn´t even had a chance to pick up my Nintendo. I hope that this was not something that was going to be a habit. I was starting to feel abstience and needed my Nintendo fix.


Rigging up the TV game I decided that I needed a game to calm down my nerves. Howie drinks tea. I play Super Mario.


It felt so good to sit down with the controller, scoring points like there were no tomorrow. I was in the middle of a game when a knock on the door disturbed my concentration. With a displeased grunt I turned off the Nintendo. There was work to be done, yet there was a feeling that I didn´t want to let go. It was no fun doing concerts when Brian wasn´t around.


Reluctantly I went to the venue. Preparing to meet the Swedish fans!

Johnny was right. This was a great concert. There is something amazing about singing for thousands of fans. They know all your lyrics. I also love to dance. The best dancers in the group are AJ and Howie. They can really swing their hips as Fatima use to say. Fatima is our choreographer and she is a great person. She has a patience that I really admire. Since we sometimes are so uncoordinated, we more look like a heep of sheeps going their own direction.


The only thing that sucked was Brian wasn´t performing. This was noticed through out the show, since he is the one that has the best voice. He and Howie are best at slow songs, although Brian often takes the lead in songs like "Boys will be Boys" too. I have just grown out of puberty and my voice isn´t changing so much anymore. A few years back, when we were singing at malls they didn´t have that much use of me, as AJ put it. I sounded like something between a girl and a boy, in other words I stank!


The Swedish fans were totally awesome and there were a lot of stuffed beanies thrown up on stage. This is fun, but also a bit annoying, since I have tripped over these teddy bears more than one time. Doing a show is such a rush and afterwards I get really drained. There is nothing better than stepping in the shower after getting all sweaty and worked up. It leaves me comfortably sleepy and after the show I usually go back to my hotel room, hitting the sac.


The hot water rinsed down my back as I was standing in the shower at the Globen locker room. It felt so good, that I closed my eyes and just devoured the situation.


This was such a big event. Here I could go all over Europe, sing and dance, and meet lots of people. How many of my friends back home got that opportunity? I have always missed that I didn´t go high school. In other words being an "ordinary" guy. When Howie, Kevin, and Brian use to talk about their high school memories there was a sharp thorn in my heart. AJ is the only one that knows what I am talking about since we are in the same situation. I usually have a tutor with me, but not on this trip. Yet I have to do tons of school-work and I also have to have contact with my tutor twice a week on the computer. I even have to do tests. Kevin, as well as Denise are in charge of my school work.


Life isn´t all dandy being in the Backstreet Boys. Especially not when you are still too young to be going around in this business. The guys, all old enough for clubbing (somehow AJ always made the age limit!) were often out in the evenings and that left me all alone. When someone accompanied me, they would be with me too, but usually I wanted to be left alone. Playing my Nintendo, chatting over the net, watching a video, or just plain sleeping.


"Nick, are you done?" Howie yelled, sticking his head into the shower room.


"Yeah, in a sec"


"There are some people that Johnny wants us to meet so you better hurry up"


OH NO! The dreaded meet and greet!!


Now this is a part of work that I really hate! Johnny and Lou Pearlman, our head manager always present us to people that are good for the business and that they want us to meet. Kevin and Howie, the business people in the group don´t have so much against attending these events. Brian and AJ just go, without questioning it. I think it sucks! Bad!


After putting on my black hooded Knicks sweatshirt and a pair of loose fitted black jeans I ran a comb through my tosseled blond hair. Yawning I stretched my limbs as I tried to work up some energy to meet a bunch of strangers. They were looking at me like I was some candy or a dollar bill! Both was just as bad.


" Ready to go?" Howie had once again decided to check up on me and now I was certain that Brian had put this task on him. Howie is a great guy that rarely complains about anything, except germs.


Yup D' is so afraid of germs that he is wearing a nuclear suit when it is flu season. Ok, I might be over exagurating a bit, but you get my point.


" Sure, lets go" There were no use in prolonging the inevietable. As soon as this was finished I could go back to the hotel and continue with the game of Nintendo.


There were lots of people in the PR room and as always I felt totally out of place. AJ and Kevin were chatting with some PR people and I could see that Bone was checking out a girl in a leopard patterned dress. Howie left me at once and started to talk with the record company guys. I made my way to AJ, but he waved me away discreetly with a hand, as he chatted up with the brunette.


Sighing and very bored I walked over to the big buffet table and stuffed my plate full of small sandwiches and some other stuff. After picking up a coke I walked over to the sofa. A young girl was already sitting there and I gave her a short smile, " Is this seat occupied?" I asked, gesturing to the place beside her.


She just shrugged, looking very uninterested, so I sat down.


Mentally I wanted to slap my head as this meant that I had to make small talk. This is something that makes me uncomfortable. It is not that I don´t like people, it is just that my stomach gets all knotted up and my palms starts to sweat. I never know what to say, especially if there is an attractive girl ín sight.


Checking over this girl I saw that she had long blonde shiny straight hair and very attractive features. Her blue eyes were looking me over, yet she didn´t seem so interested in me.


"Hey!" I said as I stuffed my mouth full with the food, but she still didn´t make any response.


I have to be a strange person, but this actually entriuged me. Girls that are hard to catch are kind of interesting, and I eyed her even more. She had on a red short dress and her legs were long and tanned. No doubt she had been on a recent trip abroad. Around her neck was a pearl necklace and it was the only thing that revealed that she was a girl with money. I could tell that she was checking me over too and then she said, showing a smile, which had me melting like butter on a stove.


" Hi," she said as she continued, " Do you think that this will take long?"


Strange question! Usually I was asked things like 'How is it to be a Backstreet Boy or something like that. This girl didn´t even seem like a fan to me.


My turn to shrug. " Don´t know, maybe one or two hours it depends." Cold sweat was starting to form on my forehead and I wiped off my palms on my jeans out of nervousness.


" Oh no, then I am going to miss the party," she blurted out, not sounding too happy. Frowning I asked her what party and she told me that she had to be here since her father was our producer Mr Lagerskog. But that she was invited to this night club and would rather attend that than sit here and rot. Ok, rot was my own words. Not that I blame her.


"Ok," I murmured while nibbling on my sandwich. She looked rather bored as I didn´t push our conversation further along.


" So do you do this often? I mean meeting people after you´ve done a concert?"


Another weird question. This girl was really strange and I liked it. Finally someone didn´t wanna know how I thought it was to be the youngest, or the cute one in the group.


"Yeah, often enough" Apparently there was not much enthusiasm in my voice since she laughed, " Looks like it sucks" I nodded, and gave her a smile. This was a girl of my taste.


Me and Anna, which was her name, chatted for a while and it turned out that she was seventeen like me and also liked to play the Nintendo as well. What a luck! Somehow I felt strangely connected to this girl and in the corner of my eye I could see AJ doing thumbs up. I responded with a finger gesture and he laughed and turned my back, he was still talking with that leopard girl. At some point I swear that I saw his hand travelling down the girls hips and in my mind there was a warning sign flashing 'Amanda, Amanda!


Ok I knew that AJ and Amanda were on shaky grounds and that they had recent had a break up, saying that they could date other partners. Still AJ was deeply in love with his girlfriend, even if he had a hard time keeping his hands off other females. When Brian encounters him on this, AJ just laughs saying that he can´t help that God had made him so attracted to everything that has breasts and an ass. I liked the other sex too, even if they often make me feel uncomfortable and stupid. Looking myself in the mirror I can´t figure out what is attracting all these girls to me. I mean, I look just like an ordinary seventeen year old guy with zits all over his face. Not very nice at all.


There was something weird with Anna. She didn´t seem so attracted to me and this had my heart beating even faster. I really wanted to take this girl to the movie or something and it was too bad that we had to leave first thing in the morning.


"So when are you guys leaving?" she asked out of nowhere. It was like she was reading my mind.


" Tomorrow. Tomorrow morning"


" Too bad, if you want you can come with me to the club. That would be fun!" She tilted her head to the side in such a sexy way that made my pants feel tight.


The idea sounded very attempting. It felt like ages since I went on a date, even though that it was only a few months ago. Ask a guy in my age how often he wants to snug a girl and there you have the answer. All the time!


" Yeah that would be cool!"


Yet I know that it was an impossibility since I wasn´t allowed to leave the scene and the guys would have a total fit if I did something like that. As I put down my coke I said with a deep sigh, " But I can´t do that. Have to be here,"


She must have noticed my sad expression and I had to explain to her that I wasn´t allowed to go out my own. Anywhere! Not even to the bathroom (ok this I didn´t tell her, do you think that I am that stupid?) After hearing my story she laughed, " Oh that is No problem. Hold on I'll fix this." And then she was gone.


Shaking my head in disbelief, I watched as she disappears into the crowd. When she doesn´t return I start to think that I am dissed. I'm just about to go to Kevin to whine that I want to go back to the hotel when I hear her voice again, " Where are you going?"


Startled I jerk back. " Uh huh, it´s re...really l..l.late and I have to get back to Br..Brian and..." Shit now I am stuttering.


Great Nick, now she thinks that you are a nerd!


Disappointment is shining in her beautiful eyes and she says with sadness, " Too bad, and I had just arranged for you to go!"


At this point my brain had ceased to function and I am just thinking with my DICK! If I knew what trouble I would be in for I would have left it there, or thought about becoming a monk!


She told me that she had arranged everything and that we were just going to grab a cab. I wanted to believe her so much that my whole body ached. My head, not my brain this time, was screaming for me to listen to my feelings and being the emotional guy that I am I had to follow my instincts.


The wise person that said that while in love your mind become sluggish knew what he was talking about. After grabbing my ski jacket and her coat we went out in the back of the Globen so that we wouldn´t be met with screaming fans. As I took her hand we walked slowly out in the cold Swedish winter night. Looking for adventure.


Sitting in the cab I had nothing but eyes for Anna. She was one of the most perfect girl I had ever set my eyes on and this time I was sure that I had fallen in love for real. She smelled so good and our lips met briefly. As she was hugging my hand tightly I became more and more convinced that I had done the right thing.


Besides there was no turning back since I didn´t want to look like a whimp.

The cab stopped and we stepped out in front of Stockholm's hottest club "Spy Bar". I paid the cab driver and then Anna talked to the bouncers. Apparently she knew them since we were instantly let in. Might also have something to do with I am a Backstreet Boy, since we were treated as royalty. As we stepped inside I was met with lots of people and it was loud and smoky inside. I took off my jacket and hand in hand we went to the dance floor. This was not a party and when I mentioned this to her she just laughed.


" Nope, and my father would kill me if he knew where I was." She was a rebel at heart. Hearing this made me start to wonder if this was very wise. Although I knew deep in my heart that I was out on thin ice, I couldn't do anything else, but go with the flow. There was no use in whimping out now.


Kevin and the rest of the guys, not to mention Johnny would be so pissed at me. I might as well enjoy the situation that I had got myself in to.


"Come on, let´s dance," she whispered in my ear and all of my body parts were pounding in agreement. It was a slow song and we danced so close to each other. I stuck my nose into her hair and enjoyed the smell of freshness. This was awesome.


Nick Carter was in love!


After we had danced a couple of slow songs Anna wanted us to get something to drink. I wasn't slow on that one. She ordered a couple of drinks and even tough I knew that these ones were spiked, I drank them greedily. The taste was strong and I coughed heavily.


" You're not use to this either?" she laughed as she sipped on her drink.


I shook my head. " Nope, you?"


"No"


There was something strangely dangerous about being here and it tickled my senses. Touring can be so exhausting and this was what I needed to refuel. At least this what I THOUGHT that I needed. Besides both Kevin and Johnny had been acting like a couple of asses during today's rehearsal and it served them right to be a bit worried over me. That is if they had discovered that I was gone yet. What had me really concerned, was that Brian would be so worried, and since he was not in the best of health, he would be as worried as a mother to a newborn baby. Maybe I should give him a call!


My thoughts were interrupted when some friends came to Anna and started to chat with us. " Aren´t you that guy in the Backstreet Boys?" One of the guys asked and I said yes and then we started to talk. It was so great to talk with someone that wasn´t in the business Just ordinary people. Anna seemed a bit young to be in this place, but I figured that since her father was in the record business she had her contacts.


" Do you want something to drink?" another guy asked and I nodded. My drink was already gone and since I got the taste for it, I could well take another one. The damage was already done, so to speak. Soon I was holding a drink in my hand, and I tell you there was not much coke in this one.


We danced, chatted, drank, and Kissed.


I was in heaven! And time flew past. Soon I started to feel pretty dizzy from all the drinks and as I looked at my watch I got the shock of a lifetime. It was three AM and here I did not know where I was, drunk as a skunk, making out with some seventeen old girl that I had just met.


This was NOT me. AJ maybe, but not me Nick Carter.


"A..Anna, I have to gooo" I slurred, but she paid no attention to my desperate needs. The needs were so desperate it might be another answer, to get out of the situation.


" You don´t have to leave yet." she said and kissed me all over my neck. My dick went even hornier and I felt a lust to rip off her clothes. Still not me. Shaking off that feeling I started to say that I had to go back to the hotel.


This was the strangest and weirdest situations I had ever been in and I felt all, high. Everything was very surreal and I didn´t know if it was my own thoughts. This was very far from both Nick the Backstreet Boy and Nick, just me. I didn´t like it, not one bit.


This time I decided that I had to leave and took her hands off me. " Anna, we have to go, Kev and Frick will be worried." It was hard to say the words out loud since the room started to spin out of control. I felt nauseous and thought that I was going to throw up. Anna most have sensed something or my face went all green since she said "Shit" and then dragged me along towards the Men's room. She opened the door and helped me into a stall where I started puking my guts out.


That was the last thing I remembered before I passed out.



********


"Nick, Nicky can you hear me?" someone was calling my name, shaking my shoulder in the process.


"Go," I mumbled trying to fend off whoever was grabbing at me. Then it dawned on me that it might be Brian that was trying to get my attention and I started to waver with my hands. I could hear voices in the distance and the word doctor was being mentioned.


No. It is NOT me that it is sick. It is Brian.


I felt a slap on my face and got pissed that someone was actually hitting me in my sleep. "What the.." I started when the person who's voice was calling me came into focus. Kevin.


Oh no, not good. What had I done this time?


"Nick, wake up." He was shaking me again as my eyes felt like lead and I started to drift on again.


This time I really tried to focus on my surroundings and I willed myself to wake up. Then, I saw where I was, in some unknown bathroom. All kinds of strange thoughts crossed my mind. What was I doing here? Was I nude`? I had a vague memory of some girl that was with me, but everything was so blurry and I felt like shit. My head ached and I felt so nauseated that I just wanted to vomit. I gagged and felt my head being turned on the side. Yet there were nothing left in my stomach, which the person next to me could be grateful for.


" Take it easy." Another voice. Looking up I saw that it belonged to AJ. Great all the guys were here. Where was Howie then? As I was thinking his name, Howie slowly came into focus too.


" I think he is starting to come around. There is no need for any doctor." It was definitely Johnny's voice. No other person would deny me medical care. Putting my hands down I tried to sit. I felt some strong hands helping me and soon I could sit with a little help from Kevin. I felt so confused.


" What happened?" I asked, shaking my head. Trying to clear it.


" You were drunk out of your ass" AJ said loudly, as he sat down beside me. " Kaos, you're doing ok?"


I nodded, not trusting my voice. Instantly regretting my head moves. Drunk. Yeah that might explain the weird feeling. "Anna?" I whispered weakly.


"She has left" Kevin said shortly, not wanting to give out any more information. I, on the other hand wanted to know where she had gone. " Nick we will talk about it when you feel better, ok?" Kevin said as he helped me to sit up against the wall. There wasn´t any irritation in his voice, he just sounded really tired and I felt bad. If I wasn't mistaken his eyes were a bit glazed and either Kevin was drunk too or he had been crying. I doubted the latter.


Howie came in, " The taxi is here"


" Good, give me an hand with Nick" Kevin said to Johnny and together they helped me outside into the cool air.


AJ was carrying my jacket and I still felt all whoozy. As I came outside another wave of nausea hit me and I was doing my best not to puke.


" Don´t puke on the street" Johnny warned me and I could detect a bit of anger in his voice. As they hoisted me into the cab. I fell against Howie and soon I was sound asleep.


The next time I woke up, we were at the hotel and Kevin and Johnny were helping me to stand. I could hear that they were discussing something about me, but I felt too sick and tired to pay any attention to what they were saying.


It was hard to walk and I kind of dragged along when they helped me up to my room. Brian was fast asleep when his little Frack was entering the room. Drunk and stoned to his gills.


Imagine the joy that came out from this incident. Luckily they put me to bed instead of starting to chew me out. My last conscious thought before Mr Sandman decided to drop some sleep in my eyes was, Nick Carter, you really screwed up this time.

Have you ever woke up, with the feeling that you have done something stupid, not knowing what it is? In that case you know how I am feeling right now.


"Nick," a harsh voice called at me, trying to wake me up. I however had other ideas and I wanted to Sleep. After all I had probably caught Brian's flu since I was feeling like shit. My head ached so bad, and I whimpered that my stomach felt so queasy.


The taste in my mouth was the worst. It was like I had been chewing on a rat or something. At least this is how I imagine a rat tastes. I have never tried it. Never will. Howie says that they eat rats in China and I hope we never have to tour there. Besides rats, they also eat snake's blood. A friend's father was in China and he was given snake's blood in a drink. They even cut off the head of the snake and poured out the blood into the drink, right at the table. Gross.


I don´t know why I am torturing myself with these kind of thoughts since all I feel is a need puke. Big time. I gag, and the bile is rising in the back of my throat. With a groan I am suddenly awake. I push my sheets on the side and than make a run for the bathroom. Please let me make it. Someone has to be listening since I manage to get inside and kneel in front of the bowel before my insides make a great entrance.


Oh it really hurts to throw up. It feels like my innards is going to come up through my mouth and nose. Where is Howie's tea when a guy really needs it?


" Frack," I can feel a warm hand on my neck. I'd rather have a cool hand comforting me, since heat makes me feel even sicker. I guess that I should be happy that Brian is helping me out, since he is still rather sick. After I have puked up all that I can, I feel a bit better, yet I have a headache the size of the Globen.


"What happened yesterday?"


Brian is hunched beside me, holding an arm around me, comforting me, as I once again have to lean over. As I said before my stomach loves to play tricks on me. A real prankster. Brian sits beside me, waiting patiently as I am coughing and spitting the foul taste into the bowl. I can´t remember when I felt this sick the last time. It might have been New Year's Eve when AJ decided that I should try champagne. Ok, I tried. A whole bottle.


" Are you done?" Brian rubs my back and I nod weakly. " Nick what happened, do you know?"


I shake my head. " No, there is a blank." I strain my mind to remember what happened yesterday. " There was some girl and we danced and kissed and drank." I smile at the memory, then I get serious again. " And than it is all black"


" Kevin told me that you got really drunk"


Oh that was why I was feeling so strange. Might also explain the situation that I am in now. My hangover is bad!


Brian still wasn´t satisfied with my story about the previous night. " How did you end up at that club?"


" Club? I was at the meet and greet" Everything was so fuzzy and no matter how much I tried, I couldn´t remember what had happened.


" Nick, I think that Kevin and Johnny and Denise have some rather rough words to say to you."


Oh no. Do they know too? Now my ass is really fried. I won´t be able to go out, for the whole tour. A sob escapes me and Brian gives me a hug.


" Nick it is ok. I will talk to Kevin. Don´t worry."


Nodding, I try to stand up, and immediately Brian is at my side. He would make a great parent some day. " Come on, Nick" He helps me towards my bed and I sit down heavily.


" We are going off to Gothenburg today. But first Johnny wants to have a talk to you.


I whimpered. No good.


********


'Please stop shouting,' I begged.


My headache was even worse than before, if this was possible. As usual no one listened and they yelled at me that I was immature and that I could have been into real trouble. Also what if the Press found out! O yeah that was the worst. No one would give a shit if I was sliced into pieces, as long as the press didn´t found out.


Johnny, Denise, and Kevin took turns at chewing me out and I tell you that I have never ever been yelled at so much. They had been screaming at me for almost an hour. I was counting minutes since that is what I do when I want something to end. I wanted this scene to take a fast ending since my stomach was calling for attention once again. Somehow I don´t think it would improve my situation if I laid a pizza in let´s say Johnny's lap.


Kevín had stopped shouting at me and now he was just sitting there, shaking his head like he does when he thinks that I have screwed up big time. Kevin isn´t the saint that he is trying to act. I know that for sure since I met one of his old friends. Even if Kevin was a sportsman he had been really sloshed a couple of times in high school. And then we are talking drunk.


It turned out that when I had passed out Anna had called her father telling him about the situation and Mr. Lagerskog had called Johnny at once since they were desperate with worry over where I had gone. Then they had gone to the Spy Bar and picked me up in the miserable state that I was in. This however I have NO knowledge or memory from this and it is a pity since my whole night with Anna is a total blank, What a bummer!


" Nick, this was a stupid act and I don´t want you repeating it again." Kevin looked at me. I expected his eyes to be cold, but instead they looked concern. What if Kevin really felt sorry for me?


I decided to use this situation and said in a weak and pitiful tone, " I know. I feel so bad. I just wanted to go out and be like all other teenagers" I sobbed a bit, just because I felt miserable. But also because sobbing might make them feel bad for me.


" Teenagers don´t go to Spy bar and get drunk!"


Johnny was so upset, mainly because the press could find out about my little trip. He showed no concern for me or the state that I was in. I groaned. My head hurt and I felt sorry for myself.


" I think that Nick has had it for now." Thank you Kevin. " We have all been young and I can see how you Nick, thought that going out with a cute girl was tempting. However I will NOT see you repeat this stunt again. Understand?" The tone of concern was gone and he stared at me, hard and cold in my eyes.


Johnny said something that I had learned an lesson. Denise, who was still upset at me, said that I needed to get some punishment.


I looked up, making my face statement really sad and my eyes begging for mercy. Puppy eyes. Punishment didn´t seemed too exciting and if I could, I would stall it.


I was grounded for two weeks. Just could go to the concerts, fulfill my obligations, but then back to the hotel room. Like if this was something new? I didn´t think it was too much of a punishment until Johnny told me the words that had me crying.


"And Nick, NO computer and NO NINTENDO!!!!


What???


Now I really wanted to bawl. Homesickness, heavy schedules, guarding 24/7 was nothing compare to this!!! It was like a death sentence. I would die if I couldn´t play at least one game a day. Now I know how people feels when they are waiting on death row. I begged. I pleaded. Please let me have my Nintendo!!! But Nope! No mercy for my poor soul. What was I going to do on those long boring bus rides??? Read? No way. Besides reading in a moving vehicle isn´t wise, remember Nicks No´s. Denise, Johnny, even Kevin seemed satisfied with their decision. Me I felt like I was going to burst. This was one of the hardest things I had ever experienced. You might think that I am a whimp, but remember that I am just a teenager and teenagers have different perspective on things (Brian's words when he is trying to get Kevin to calm down). I could just thank my lucky star that if I behaved the Nintendo would just be gone for two weeks. 14 days. Counting from now.


" Now go on and pack. We are leaving at 10.30 sharp" Johnny said in a hard tone. He was upset since I had made him delay the schedule. Serves him right, I thought angrily as I walked out of the door. Sulking and hanging my head down.


Outside the room I met up with AJ and Howie. I´ll bet that they, as well as the whole hotel, had heard what had been said (shouted) in the room.


"What happened man?" AJ asked directly, putting an arm around my shoulder.


" Life is shit!" I was sulking, almost crying as I walked towards mine and Brian's room.


"Nick, it´s going to be ok" Howie was trying to comfort me, but to no use. My life was already shattered to pieces.


I don't know if the punishment was the worst or that I had been too drunk to even remember going out on my first club experience with a gorgeous girl? From now girls and clubs would have to wait until I turned legal age, I decided, since my life was slowly going down the drain. I also decided that I would NEVER touch another drop of alcohol since I couldn't understand how someone could be so stupid as to drink something that made a person so sick!!!!


"They grounded me and..." I was too sad to get the words out. " They took away my computer and." This times the tears and sobbing was for real. The guys looked at me, expecting to hear something bad when I choked out, " No..Nintendo".


AJ hid a grin. " Oh I thought you were going to say that all babes were out of the picture"


"That too," This time however I didn´t sob. The Nintendo was far more to important in my life and with girls I had it. For now.


"Those bastards!" This had AJ going. Howie on the other hand comforted me again, saying that it could be worse.


Looking through my bangs, I peeked at him, " Yeah what?"


Howie just shook his head, "Come on let´s go to Brian"


I nodded, getting guided towards the hotel room. My sight was blurry due to tears, but also because that my headache was threatening to split my skull. Bile burned down my throat and I with a whimper I mumbled that I felt sick. This had Howie into action and I have never seen anyone running so fast, with me dragging along in a tail, to a bathroom.


False alarm.


My stomach had decided that I needed a break and nothing happened. Yet I leaned over, trying to comfort the ache my body parts were giving me. I could hear Howie and AJ informing Brian about the situation at hand. Obviously they had heard it all since hotel rooms generally have thin walls. Ever thought about how easy it is to hear someone else coughing on the other side or doing other actions in a hotel room. Two parts movement, if you get my drift.


As soon as my stomach and my head was with me I started to gather up my bags. In silence. Not even Brian could get me to talk, and that is bad.



********


Trees.Trees.Trees and snow.


Is there something else in Sweden? Sulking I looked through the window, still not talking to anyone. We were on the bus going to Gothenburg, not a very comfortable one either. Mind you. We had to wait until Denmark until we got our new bus. That would be home for the next months. Brian had given up any tries to get me to talk and he had drifted on to a sleep. He was still sick as a dog and I knew that he was trying hard to act cool, when he in reality felt like he was gonna die.


Kevin, Denise and Johnny were giving me the cold shoulder, not that I cared anyway. They were the last persons on earth that I would EVER talk too. Howie as well as AJ had also tried to make small conversations with me. To no avail.


My mouth was clamped down, and I was like a mouse.


Hrm..I always wondered about that expression. After all mice do talk. They make some weird piper sounds. I know since I used to spend some summers at one of my cousins when I was younger. It was fun. There were lots of animals and rolling in the hay stacks.


Did I mention to you that my cousin is a girl. She was one of the first persons I kissed and she was the person thatI showed my Willie to for the first time. We were seven and were hiding in a barn. There I got to see the wonder of woman and got instantly hooked. Until Nintendo took it´s place. See my mind is taking a route towards those video games again.


Does this mean that I am addicted?


With a sigh I look outside the window, again. Trees, trees, still more trees.