Summary:
Brian is done with trying to fight. The hand holding him under isn't letting up, and he just wants to give into the drowning sensation. Will the Guys even notice him gone? He even questions that these days. Will anyone save him before it?s too late?
Categories: Fanfiction > Backstreet Boys Characters: Brian, Group
Genres: Angst, Drama
Warnings: None
Challenges:
Series: None
Chapters: 11 Completed: Yes
Word count: 8662 Read: 20586
Published: 03/20/06 Updated: 09/19/06
1. Chapter 1 by BSB_Writer
2. Chapter 2 by BSB_Writer
3. Chapter 3 by BSB_Writer
4. Chapter 4 by BSB_Writer
5. Chapter 5 by BSB_Writer
6. Chapter 6 by BSB_Writer
7. Chapter 7 by BSB_Writer
8. Chapter 8 by BSB_Writer
9. Chapter 9 by BSB_Writer
10. Chapter 10 by BSB_Writer
11. Chapter 11 by BSB_Writer
Brian walked through the hallways with his eyes on his feet. They were at Jive again. He couldn’t even count all the times he had been there in that building. It was like they lived there ten out of the twelve months of the year. The other two they spent away from it all. As if he could get away. He didn’t understand that term “get away from it all”. He never got away from it. He had lived this life for so long he didn’t know anything else. His entire life was just one big blur.
He sighed. He was bored. Bored with his love life. Bored with his job. Bored with his life in general. It took all he had to get up and continue day after day. He knew that he shouldn’t be feeling that way, but it seemed so routine. When he first came to the green grasses of Orlando to be a Backstreet Boy, it had all been so new and exciting. Now it was just another day. He felt numb to the world around him. And the funny thing was that the guys had no idea he felt that way.
Brian went through the day just like he always had, with a smile on his face. He never realized how good he was at acting until the past year or so. During the day, no one knew the difference. The fans thought of him as the soulful southern dream boy. The Guys thought of him as just another one of the boys. His family even fell for it. It was when the lights went out that he cried. Lately he had been in the one lone room. Kevin and Howie were starting to become buddies in the family sense. Howie just loved helping Kevin pick out things for his wife. So, usually, they shacked up together. Nick had started drifting away from Brian a long time ago. Frick and Frack were barely seen together these days. It was now Bone and Kaos. Together they had reeked more havoc in the past year or two than Brian had in his whole life. Because of this, whenever they could, AJ and Nick bunked together so they could hit the party scene. So that left Brian with the single room. At first it bothered him, but after while he got over it and got used to it. It wasn’t like he could do anything about it. Plus, he didn’t want the others to know he cried himself to sleep every night. He figured it was better that way.
He used to call Leighanne when he felt lonely, but even that didn’t last long. She had a life to live without having him call every five minutes. Brian and been alone for a long time. Stranded without life support, you could say. He remembered a saying his grandpa used to say to him, “When you get to the end of your rope, make a knot and hang on.” Well, he was nearing the end of his, but he didn’t have enough strength to make a knot. He was not prepared to hang on. It was a lot easier to just fall. Just let go and tumble. But he had held on for so long…
He thought about the journal he had started. At first the pages were filled with happy thoughts and dreams of love. Lately, those lined sheets were filled with hatred. He felt hatred towards the world, but mainly towards himself. He didn’t know what triggered it, but that’s how he felt. He was even starting to experience panic attacks regularly. Taking a deep breath, he forced one such attack down. He had to be good today. They had a lot of work to do and he didn’t want to ruin it. But it was so painful. He knew he had to get away. He slowed his pace and eventually stopped. The rest of the guys didn’t even look back.
Brian ducked into a side door and shut it behind him. Without bothering to turn on the light, sank to the floor. The tears flooded his eyes. He tried to cram his feelings into his throat, but they just kept coming. Giving in, he cried. His chest heaved in and out as the sobs continued.
He pulled his backpack off of his shoulder and began thumbing through it in the dark. Finding his notebook and a pen, he opened to the last page, where he knew he had nothing written. Almost before he was ready, his hand began writing. He didn’t know what he was writing. He didn’t know if it was even straight on the paper. He didn’t really care. Apparently his mind had taken over, and he wasn’t stopping.
The tears began to subside and he stopped writing. Pulling an extra shirt out of his bag, he wiped off his reddened eyes. Finally, he turned on the light and pulled a mirror out of his pack. He used that mirror to check if anyone would notice that he was crying. He had become an expert at hiding his feelings. He couldn’t help but feel sorry for himself as he looked at his swollen eyes and red cheeks. He shook it off. He dabbed his face with water and calmed his nerves a little more. When he was satisfied, he put away his belongings and exited the room.
The hallway was clearer than before as he tried to catch up to the guys. He asked for directions once before he found then. They hadn’t even noticed he was gone until they heard the door click shut. Upon that noise, they turned to look at him. Brian gave them a shaky smile. He hoped they bought his story of just slipping away to the bathroom for a minute. He let out a sigh of relief when they shrugged their shoulders and continued with their conversations.
Brian sank down in a nearby chair and took in the sights. There was artwork hanging everywhere. Picasso, Monet, and VanGogh. Brian loved art usually, but today seemed to be different. The bright colors contrasted the emotions he was feeling, so he just couldn’t connect. On one wall, he noticed that there was a wooden cross. Brian just gazed at it. It didn’t mean anything to him anymore. He had given up on that a long time ago. To him, it was just pieces of wood. He figured if God couldn’t help him through the pain of his life, He just wasn’t worth believing in.
Brian frowned as he thought about the life he was living. It was just one big disappointment. At first, he was proud to be alive. But, after that feeling disappeared, he just felt lost and confused. These feelings arose around the time of his 18th birthday. Celebrating it on the road, without his close family and friends, just turned out to be a disaster. He didn’t enjoy it at all. It was soon after that the dreams came. Standing there, watching his own funeral. Everyone wearing black. No one crying, just standing there with blank looks on their faces. It disturbed him tremendously. He thought about relaying this information to the guys but quickly decided against it. He didn’t want them to have to worry about him. But the dreams wouldn’t stop.
Leighanne changed all that. For a while everything was fine. No worries. Then his surgery creeped up on him. Putting it off multiple times was his idea completely, but everyone blamed it on management and didn’t think twice. Brian just went along with it. It was when Leighanne threatened to leave that he came to his senses. Living a life without her would mean a life of no light. The operation went fine, but he would be scarred for life.
Then, when the tours expanded into the United States, they had no time for themselves. Leighanne was being ignored, but it wasn’t his fault. She sure blamed him though. For everything. Brian knew she didn’t mean what she said, but it still hurt. He had prayed every night, but nothing improved. His faith was severely damaged during those years.
Now, with little Baylee to take care of, Leighanne was a little more conservative with her feelings. Yet Brian could still feel the heat of her eyes and hear the strain in her voice when they talked. He wished he could be home more, but sometimes it just wasn’t possible. And that made Brian feel even worse. It pained him to think of Leighanne alone with their son day in and day out. He knew it was mainly his fault and apologized often, but she was sick of the excuses.
His thoughts suddenly turned to his journal and to what he wrote before. What was it that he wrote? He thought about it until he finally pulled it out of his backpack and turned to the last page. The words were not exactly straight but were pretty good for writing in the dark. He realized that it was a poem. He read it to himself…
The water rises around me
And I get dragged from shore
My mistakes play for me
Like a long, sad movie
My life is out there for all to see
And I see my faults plain as day
No one is there to help me
To keep me from going under the waves
With every scene I sink lower
I struggle to swim up
But it is no use
I am in too deep
Too far from the safe sand
I open my mouth to scream
But nothing comes out
Just water enters
I gasp for breath
But I do not receive any
My lungs are filling with water
The movie continues as my eyes submerge
Soon the water is all around me
And my breath slows
I sink deeper and deeper
And then everything turns black
I am drowning in my own despair
As he read it, he realized it was exactly how he felt. He felt as if he was drowning. Drowning in a sea of pain and regret. That’s when he decided he would end it. Once and for all.
By making the excuse that he wasn’t feeling well, Brian slipped away from the building and outside. Waving down a taxi, Brian formatted his plan in his head. It was pretty simple. Get to the hotel as quickly as possible, lock the door to his room, pull out the gun he bought last month, and BANG. Game over. He just had to get there.
The taxi weaved in and out of traffic. The driver didn’t even seem to recognize him. He really didn’t expect much. He just wanted to get to the hotel right away. He knew once he shot the gun, the whole hotel would be in an uproar. Once clean shot. No more pain.
Brian snapped to attention when he felt the taxi jerk to a stop. His eyes darted around as it finally registered what was going on. Traffic jam. Just what he needed. This was not helping. Brian shifted his weight in his seat. He needed to get back to the hotel. He was on the brink of collapsing, and he surely didn’t want to crumble in public. Knowing he couldn’t run back to the hotel, he pulled out his notebook and began to construct his suicide letter. The guys would want to know why, so he would tell them, plain and simple. When he finished, he looked it over…
Dear Guys,
I know a lot of questions must be arising because of what I did. This letter might answer some of them. I know you don’t know why this happened. Trust me, it isn’t your fault, so don’t think I blame you. This is totally my fault, my decision. It’s my life that was screwed up. My responsibility. So… now to answer the question of why…
The reason this happened is because I can’t deal with my life anymore. It’s too much for me to handle. Ever since I was 18, my life has gone down hill. Being in the Backstreet Boys has been fun, but it just isn’t fulfilling anymore. Leighanne… I love her, but it just isn’t the same as it used to be. I can’t fix it. It’s too late to do anything. She will move on, I know it. I hate to leave Baylee without a father, but he is better off for it.
Kevin, you are a wonderful cousin and friend. I could tell you things that I couldn’t tell my brother or anyone else. You were always there for me, from the very beginning. I’m sorry I kept you from this. I just didn’t know how to tell you. Goodbye.
Howie, man, you are it. You are the sweetest man I know. Me doing this was not because of you. If anything, you were the one that helped me the most. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you. You should have been the first one to know. Goodbye Howie.
AJ. What can I say to you. You were a great friend, and don’t let this affect your sobriety. I want you to keep working on that. Do not give up just because of me, okay? Keep up the good work. Life cannot get any better for you, so just hold on to it with all your might. Goodbye buddy.
Last but not least, Nick. My best friend. You helped me through a lot of stuff when the group first started. You helped me adjust to the changes in my life. You cannot blame yourself for this. My life is my problem. You couldn’t have known anything. I didn’t let on to anybody. Please hold your head up high and remember the good times we shared, buddy. Farewell my friend.
I love you guys. I will miss you. I am sincerely sorry for what I put you through these past few years. I could’ve been more civil to you all. I should’ve been more considerate of those around me. I know this is a selfish act, but it is the only way to end the pain. Please don’t cry. I don’t want you to be sad. This is my decision. Keep your chins up and walk through life better than I did. I’m so sorry, guys. Please tell my family that I love them and they mean the world to me. I imagine that this is goodbye. I will hold you in my heart for all time.
A single tear rolled down his cheek as the traffic jam started to disengage.
It wasn’t long until the taxi pulled in front of the hotel lobby doors. The sun was just beginning to rise over the towering skyscrapers. Brian squinted as he stepped out of the vehicle. He had shut the door and started walking away by the time the cab driver, not too politely, reminded him that he still hadn’t paid. Brian pulled out his wallet, silently cursing at himself for forgetting, and handed the money to him. The driver counted the cash then squealed his tires as he took off down the road. Brian slipped him the finger then casually entered the lobby.
Digging in his pocket for his room key, he gave a warm smile to the woman behind the desk. She seductively brushed her long blonde hair out of her face and smiled back as he briskly walked past her on his way to the elevator. As he found his key, he pressed the button to bring the elevator to him. Beginning to grow impatient, and with visions of the gun filling his mind, he shifted his weight from foot to foot as he waited. Finally, the smooth, steel door split and a small compartment was revealed containing two women and a man. Brian had to wait a few moments for them to step out, and he took that time to survey them over. The man seemed to be at the end of his road. He could barely even make it out of the elevator before the doors began to close again. The woman with him, who seemed young enough to be his granddaughter, was flirting and hanging on him. No wonder the man couldn’t walk. Must be a millionaire. The other woman, who reminded him of his Aunt Penelope, was scowling at the couple as if she could make them drop dead with a single stare. Brian gave them a shaky smile and a polite nod as they passed, but none of them seemed to take notice of him. Glad to be rid of them, he stepped onto the elevator and pressed the button to take him to the third floor.
He sighed as the doors slid shut and he felt a pull as the elevator began to move. His task was almost complete. He was almost there. No more pain. No more worries. No more regret. No one would have to worry about him anymore. They wouldn’t have to watch over him anymore. This was for the better.
In a matter of seconds, the elevator dinged and he found himself looking out at the third floor. Taking a deep breath, he stepped out into the hallway and practically ran towards his room. It was right at the end of the hall. Far enough away that it would take a while for anyone to find him. Tucked into the corner just enough that he would be alone for a long time after his death. Alone. Just like he was now.
He breathing was short and ragged as he reached the end of the hall. His hands were shaking and he almost couldn’t get the key in the slot. After missing it a couple of times, the card slid in and the green light blinked. Brian turned the handle and stepped in, ready to end his life.
The gun was there, plain as day. Right where he had left it. He had thought about this moment countless times, but now it was finally becoming a reality. No more procrastinating. He was going to finish the job.
The weapon sparkled in the soft light entering the window. Brian wondered if the Guys would miss him. Lately, it didn’t seem as though they would. If they were true friends, they would have picked up on the signals. But had they? Not even close. Leighanne, his soul mate, hadn’t even seen this day coming. Tears began to slide down his cheeks. No one cared. Not a single person in this world. This was the right thing, the only thing, he could do. ‘Forget about them,’ he told himself in his mind, ‘they don’t even know you exist anymore.’
Deciding to write one more journal entry, Brian pulled out his notebook and sat down on the bed. Swallowing the lump that had begun to form in his throat, he started to write one last time…
Dear Journal,
So, this is goodbye. I can’t believe I’m actually doing this. I knew the day was approaching, but I just never thought so soon. But, I guess that’s what happens when your life reaches the end of its road. No matter what age you are.
I guess I’m doing this because of the feelings I have towards myself. I don’t really blame the others for pushing me to do this. It is my decision, after all. I just kind of wish they would have noticed and tried to get me some help. Oh well. Guess that’s just too much to ask.
I’m going to miss them all very much, but this is something I have to do. They don’t even know I’m alive anymore, so why don’t I just make myself dead so they don’t have to worry. Maybe they’re all right; maybe I am dead to the world. I hate how everything makes me feel. I feel like I have no way out. I’m drowning. There is no one there to save me. I’m scared, and yet I’ve never been so sure of what I am doing. No one seems to understand what I’m going through. Not even AJ, who has come pretty close. At least he had the willpower to confront us about it. I can’t even do that. I figure, if they can’t see it, it’s not even worth it.
It used to be all for one and one for all… but those days are over. I love them all with everything I am, but it’s time to say goodbye.
Shutting the journal, Brian picked up the gun and turned off the safety. He placed the barrel of the gun gently onto his temple. The cold metal made him shiver a little as he cocked the firearm. He closed his eyes tightly and wrapped his finger around the trigger.
He counted down in his head:
5…
4…
3…
He tightened his finger around the trigger, ready to pull…
2…
1…
A moment’s hesitation can change someone’s whole life. Just one second can turn a person’s world around…
Brian sat on his bed with the pistol held to his temple, his finger held tightly around the trigger. He had never expected to hesitate. He never wanted to freeze. But here he was, unable to finish what he started.
Anything can cause a one second hesitation. A phone ringing, perhaps. Possibly a shout. Or even and knock on a door…
It couldn’t have been more than a second. Just one little second ticked by that Brian didn’t pull the trigger before he heard a sharp knock on the door. At first he thought about firing his bullet before the door opened. Then he decided to hold back a little while longer.
A person can feel in control their whole life. But then, at any given moment, a person can seem vulnerable to the path of destiny…
Brian argued with himself about whether to open the door or leave it locked. Absentmindedly, his eyes wandered over to the mirror hanging on the wall. He couldn’t believe how different he looked. The color was drained from his face. The blue in his eyes had transformed into gray. His hair was darker and longer than normal and it hung limply over his forehead and ears. He noticed the gun still resting on his temple. It almost seemed to shine in the dim light that hung overhead. His mind quickly snapped out of its trance as the knocking returned.
Everything may change in an instant. A person may have to choose between life or death…
He couldn’t ignore it any longer. Who could possibly be at the door? He began to make a list in his mind…
None of the staff or management knew that he was gone, so it couldn’t be one of them. It probably wasn’t Kevin. Family is important, but the things he has on his mind right now seem to outweigh even that. Howie’s too involved in Kevin’s life to even notice a brick thrown at him (unless Kevin threw it himself). Nick had changed too much, grown up too fast. He seemed to care less about Brian these days. Now, AJ was difficult. He seemed more interested in his own life at times, but still took time out to help his “brothers”. Could it be him?
It is said that when life closes a door, God opens a window. At times that may be true, but sometimes that window needs a human touch…
The cold steel of the gun’s barrel became suddenly evident on Brian’s skin. Shaking, his finger loosened its grip on the trigger. Another quick knock caused him to lose his hold on the weapon itself. He watched it as it fell to the floor. He heard yelling from the hallway, but he just couldn’t seem to tear himself away from the object on the floor. It was now or never…
A person can be driven insane with the choices he has to make. Only one way to go. The question is, which path will that person choose?
Brian stared at the gun on the floor. All time stood still as he contemplated his decision. Should he finish it? Whoever was at the door seemed really anxious to come in, but he didn’t care. All that mattered to him now was the weapon on the floor.
He reached down to pick it up. He knew that if he didn’t do it now it would never be done, and he would regret it. At least he thought he would. Shaking the doubt away, he continued the motion to reach the gun. Suddenly, his hand stopped. It trembled in mid-air. Brian screamed in his head to move his hand further down, but it would not budge. He wondered if this meant something…
Looking death in the eye can change a man. It can make him realize that he doesn’t want to leave the world, or that it is the best thing for him…
His mind fixated on one thing. To pick up that gun. He didn’t care what he had to do, he was going to face his fear of dying and approach the heavenly gates. No matter what. He tried moving his other hand, but it was frozen on the bed. Why had his body failed him at this most crucial moment? He didn’t understand it.
Taking a deep breath, he pulled back his trembling hand and placed it next to him on the bed. Now both hands were frozen in place. What now?
Sometimes the world finds strange ways to let you know your time is not done. Sometimes the earth needs you for one more thing…
Without anymore hesitation, Brian reached out his foot and kicked the gun under the dresser. It would just have to wait. He turned towards the door. That was his priority now.
He stood up and suddenly was very aware of how clouded his mind was. What was wrong with him? Taking hold of the bedpost, Brian attempted to steady himself. When he thought that his legs were strong enough to walk, he slowly shuffled towards the door and the person on the other side.
Upon reaching the door, he hesitated. Twice in one day, just great. He didn’t want to look to see who it was. He just wanted to open the door and take in the sight. Who knew? Maybe the person left already. Highly doubtful, but still. It was a possibility.
Taking another deep breath, Brian reached out and touched the knob. This was it. He firmly grasped the door handle and turned. The door slowly cracked open. He half expected the individual on the other hand to shove the door open. But nothing happened. Odd.
Brian opened the door all the way. Brian didn’t jump at the sight of the other person. He didn’t scream out. He didn’t do anything but invite him in.
Brian faintly heard the man ask if he was okay. He shook his head. It didn’t matter anymore. He had to tell someone. Now. Maybe he would find a reason to stay alive if he confessed.
Brian looked at the man on the bed. His clothes matched his personality, but his expression didn’t. He looked worried, concern filling up his brown eyes. Brian gave him a shaky smile and sat next to him. He sighed as the man put his arm around Brian’s shoulders. Brian saw the man nod and give him the go ahead to pour out what was on his mind.
For a split second, Brian changed his mind. What if he didn’t understand? Who was he kidding, Brian couldn’t tell him. He would just laugh. Shake it off and tell him to forget it. But then again, what if he could trust him? He was his friend.
A person can be driven insane with the choices he has to make…
Brian turned to look into the man’s eyes. “AJ…” he began softly, “I have something to tell you.”
AJ looked deep into Brian’s eyes. He tried to figure out what was on his mind. For the first time, he noticed the pain in his friend’s blue eyes. On closer inspection he become aware of the change in color. They were now gray.
Brian took a deep breath. It was finally time to say what he had been hiding all these years. What was tearing him up inside would at last be brought out in the open. Looking away from his friend, his eyes wandered around the room. His notebook was lying open to his suicide letter. Brian slowly arose from the bed and shuffled towards it. Swallowing hard, he picked it up and returned to his spot next to AJ. “I can’t seem to find the words, so…” he began handing the now closed journal over to him, “read this and it will say it for me.”
AJ turned it over in his hands. All he saw was a worn down thick notebook. “What is it?” he inquired.
“It’s my journal. I’ve been writing in that notebook since the day the Backstreet Boys officially began. I didn’t write everyday, so it’s surprisingly not full yet. It’s pretty worn though, so be careful when you open it,” Brian described. “Everything is in there, so please read with care.”
AJ nodded and opened the cover. The first page was dated May 06, 1993. He began to read:
So, we’ve finally begun to work around here. I’m so excited to be here. I didn’t think I would ever have fun getting up at five in the morning to work until nightfall. My colleagues are great and have really made me feel at home. I can’t wait until we see how far this ride can go!
AJ smiled as he began to look back. But knowing there was something important Brian needed him to see, he continued onto the next entry, dated a week later:
Work is work. That phrase couldn’t be truer. Sure is fun though. I get to sing and dance all day. Who wouldn’t want this job? My new friends are really good, and they…
The entry continued, but Brian turned the page for him. Quite a few actually. He stopped when the date read February 20, 1997.
Today is my birthday. I can’t believe how old I am getting. But this day seems different for some reason. Last night I had one of those dreams again. I wonder what they mean. Maybe it means I’m going to die if I have that surgery. Well, that shouldn’t be a problem because I just cancelled it. I can’t afford to leave the tour like that. I’ll get it eventually, but I’m not ready yet. Anyway, work is fine and the guys…
Brian began to turn the pages again. AJ wondered what Brian was trying to show him. He seemed to know exactly which pages he wanted AJ to read. Looking back at the journal, he noticed it open to another page.
March 07, 2000
Another day goes by that I can’t see my beloved. We are getting married this September and we’re once again experiencing ‘technical difficulties’. We fought for an hour yesterday on the phone. It’s like she blames me for being on tour. She even told me to quit! How dare she say that! I never asked her to quit. I can’t believe it. Maybe it is my fault. Maybe everything is my fault. The guys have changed, I notice. They must think that now that I have Leighanne they don’t need to talk to me anymore. I can’t even get Nick to play basketball anymore. Oh well, I’ll live, for the time being anyway. Back to work. Always back to work. Screw them. Screw the world. Screw it all, damn it.
AJ’s eyes began to grow wider. He couldn’t believe it. He turned towards Brian and stammered, “Brian, I…”
Brian just shook his head and turned a few pages. The date now read today’s date. AJ began reading once again:
So, this is goodbye. I can’t believe I’m actually doing this. I knew the day was approaching, but I just never thought so soon. But, I guess that’s what happens when your life reaches the end of its road. No matter what age you are…
AJ was so consumed he didn’t even notice Brian rise from the bed.
I guess I’m doing this because of the feelings I have towards myself. I don’t really blame the others for pushing me to do this. It is my decision, after all. I just kind of wish they would have noticed and tried to get me some help. Oh well. Guess that’s just too much to ask…
Brian bent down when he reached the dresser and reached under to pull out his pistol.
I’m going to miss them all very much, but this is something I have to do. They don’t even know I’m alive anymore, so why don’t I just make myself dead so they don’t have to worry. Maybe they’re all right; maybe I am dead to the world. I hate how everything makes me feel. I feel like I have no way out. I’m drowning. There is no one there to save me. I’m scared, and yet I’ve never been so sure of what I am doing. No one seems to understand what I’m going through. Not even AJ, who has come pretty close. At least he had the willpower to confront us about it. I can’t even do that. I figure, if they can’t see it, it’s not even worth it….
AJ didn’t notice it when Brian sat down, gun in hand. He was too busy reading the last line of the entry:
It used to be all for one and one for all… but those days are over. I love them all with everything I am, but it’s time to say goodbye.
Tears swelled up in AJ’s eyes as he once again turned towards his pain-filled friend. That was when he noticed the weapon in Brian’s hand. AJ shook his head rapidly as he quickly stood up. “N-N-No…” he stuttered, “you c-can’t.”
Brian gave him a shaky smile as he turned the gun over in his hands. “I was planning on doing it before you showed up,” he explained.
AJ had only one question to ask. He stared at Brian with his piercing brown eyes, and with all seriousness he asked: “Why didn’t you?”
Brian faced AJ, tears swelling in his eyes. Every emotion that he had bottled inside came streaming out in an instant. “Want to know why?” he asked, his voice rising slightly as he continued. “Do you really want to know?”
AJ nodded his head, his face showing no real feeling. “Why the sudden interest, AJ?” Brian cried out. “How come, all of a sudden, you are so fascinated with my problems? You weren’t before. Is it the fact that you read my journal, or the sight of the gun in my hand that is doing it for you? Huh, AJ? WHY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?” he concluded, his voice straining.
Suddenly he collapsed to the floor in front of AJ. His body shook with intensity as the sobs just poured out of his soul. AJ made no attempt to help his petite friend. He stood there, frozen in time and space, as if Brian’s words had seeped their way into this mind and shut everything off.
AJ was so entranced, he didn’t notice Brian lift the gun to his temple. He didn’t hear Brian cry out to him. He didn’t feel the emotion that Brian was feeling. His heart had turned to stone.
Brian looked up to his friend. The cold, round circle of the barrel dug deep into his skin. His eyes were drier now, but his pain was still there. Why was AJ even there if he had no way to help him? How could he just stand there and let his friend die?
Brian saw the glassy look in AJ’s eyes. AJ wasn’t even paying attention to him. “Fine!” he screamed. “Fine! I’ll do it, if that’s what it takes to get noticed! IT’S DONE!”
Brian took a deep breath and pulled the trigger.
I know this chapter is kinda short, but there is another one to go with it. It just felt better to split them up. Be prepared for another chapter in the next week or two.
Click
AJ looked down into Brian’s eyes at that exact moment. Still breathing raggedly, Brian stared back. His chin quivered. Why hadn’t the gun gone off?
Looking away from his companion, AJ took a deep breath, much like the one Brian had taken two seconds ago. “Brian?” he mumbled.
Brian’s gaze fixed on AJ like they were pleading for an answer. “What happened, AJ?” he squeaked out. “Why didn’t it go off? Why? It was supposed to go off.”
“It did.”
Brian shook his head. “No, no, no. I would be dead if it did. Why didn’t it go off? Why?” Brian’s voice was shaking.
AJ faced Brian once again. “It did go off.”
“NO!” Brian shouted. “IT DIDN’T!”
“Yes,” AJ calmly replied, “it did, Brian. Check the barrel. The only reason you are not dead is because the gun is not loaded.”
Brian opened up the holster and noticed that the bullets were gone. Who had taken them out? He was the only person who knew about the gun in the first place. “Where did the bullets go?”
AJ grasped Brian’s shoulders and pulled him onto the bed. “Brian,” he began, his voice gaining a little more confidence. “I have a story to tell you as well.”
Author's Notes:
Okay, I know it's been a while, but I haven't been able to come on the computer long enough to update. Things have been a little hectic lately. So, here it is. Hope you like it. :o)
Brian was still shaking as AJ knelt down in front of him. AJ placed his hands on Brian’s knees in an attempt to calm him down. For a while no words were exchanged. It was enough for AJ just to see his friend alive. Finally, taking a deep breath, AJ commenced to tell his story.
“Brian? Remember when I told you all that I had a problem?” He hesitated while Brian simply nodded his head. “Well, that was after I had a very traumatic experience. You see, I was at a place in my life where I didn’t want to be around anymore, and I thought you all would be better off without me. I was just a bother and all I was good for was to be the ‘bad boy’. When I went to bed at night, I wondered if you guys would leave me there and go to the next town without me.”
Brian frowned at that thought. It was exactly how he had felt lately. Was AJ making this story up just to get him to change his mind? Or was AJ telling him something he hadn’t told anyone before?
“After a few months of this feeling,” AJ continued, “I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. I was too scared to confront you guys about it, and I didn’t want to talk to my family either. I was stuck in a crossroads and I could see the train coming fast. So, I did the only thing that seemed right at the time. I bought a gun and hid it in the top left dresser drawer in my hotel room, right under some personal belongings. I figured it was the only way I could get through it. I knew that if I needed it, the gun was there to end the pain. I was set for life, or the remainder of it at least.”
After stating this, AJ glanced up at his friend. He noticed that Brian wasn’t looking at him anymore. Suddenly, he had become increasingly interested in a ripped seam in the bedspread. AJ shook his head because he had hit the nail on the head. Brian had heard a story that sounded strikingly familiar to his own, and AJ was determined to let it sink in that he was not alone in his fight.
“Every hotel we went to I would put it in the same spot. When we were stuck on the bus, I hid it under my pillow. Every night before going to bed, I would take it out and every once in a while I would examine it. I would make sure the bullet was set, you see I figured I only needed one, and I would clean it every now and then. Most of the time I would just stare at it. I knew I would use it someday. When that day came, I would be ready.
“I must have had that gun for at least six months before I took it out to actually use it. I pulled out the gun like I had every night before, but this time I spun the chamber. I decided to play a game of hit or miss. I would fire the gun into my temple. If the gun went off and the bullet went through, I had won and I would be dead. If it didn’t, then I would wait until the next time I could do it and try again. My plan was simple.
“I knelt down at the edge of my bed and placed the gun to my temple. I did not want to fall too far if it did go off, which is why I knelt down on the floor. Anyway, I cocked the firearm and took a deep breath. Then, without hesitation, I pulled the trigger.
“As you can see, the bullet was not in the right place. It was at that moment that I looked at myself in the mirror and realized how deep I had fallen. I had practically dug my own grave and was one foot in. I decided to tell you guys, and that’s when I confronted you. I sold the gun at a thrift store a few days later while we had some free time and that was the end of it. I checked myself into rehab and the rest you know.”
AJ stopped for a moment to see how Brian was reacting to this. He noticed that Brian wasn’t doing much of anything. In fact, he was still staring at the same spot on the bed. AJ concluded that what Brian was doing was waiting for the explanation of why the bullets were not in his gun. “Brian…” AJ stated while turning Brian’s face back to his. “This is the part you want to hear, okay?” Brian nodded so AJ continued, not looking away from Brian’s eyes.
“Being through this ordeal myself, I knew what signs to look for. I have to admit I was astonished to see these signs in you, Brian. I never thought it would be you to stumble. Never in a million years did I think you would follow my downfall. But, unfortunately, I did see a lot of the signs.
“Knowing the actions that I had taken, I began to look for signs of drinking and stuff like that. I didn’t really see you take that road, which is good, but I was aware of the final step you would take. That’s when I decided to enter your hotel room one night. You weren’t there, I think you were out with Kevin or Nick or something, so I had the understanding that I would be alone in there. The first place I checked was the top left hand dresser drawer. I was taking a guess. I didn’t find it there, but I found it in the top right hand drawer. Just like mine had been, I found it under a box of personal belongings. I kept in mind that you would probably look for it that night, so I removed the bullets and returned the gun to its place.
“I know I should have talked to you about it, but I was scared. I was worried that I would drive you to do it just by confronting you about it. I remember how stubborn I was back then, and I was comparing your feelings to mine. Now that I think about it, I realize that I should have talked to you, because everyone goes through depression differently. I should never have ignored it, all I did was make it worse, and I’m sorry.”
Brian’s lip quivered as he held out his palm to AJ. AJ looked at it with surprise. “Give them back, AJ. Give them back now,” Brian declared calmly. “Give the bullets back.”
“I can’t do that, Brian. You know I can’t do that,” AJ replied.
“GIVE THEM BACK!” Brian screamed into AJ’s face. “GIVE THEM BACK OR GET OUT!”
AJ shook his head as tears began to descend down his face. He stood up and moved towards the door. Turning back, AJ opened his mouth to say something, but in the end he decided not to. Sighing, he exited the room.
Author's Notes:
Okay, so this is the last chapter. I know it took me a while to get it up, but I hope you will like it. I hope you all enjoyed the story in general. Let me know what you thought of it, please! I would love to hear from you either by review or email. Thanks everyone!
AJ paced outside of Brian’s door. He had gotten to bullets away from him, but now he knew it wouldn’t help. If Brian were truly desperate, he would find a way to perform the deed. He could just as easily break the mirror and slit his throat. Or, he could drown himself in the bathtub. There was a million ways to kill yourself in that hotel room, and Brian was smart enough to figure them out.
~*~
Brian stared at his reflection in the mirror. AJ had taken away his chance. There had to be another way to do it, but how? Then he thought of it. The mirror. All he had to do was find something heavy enough to break the mirror. His gun was the only thing he could think of, and that was one thing he wouldn’t do. What if it broke? Then his safety net was gone. He couldn’t risk it.
Brian knew that AJ was waiting outside the door thinking he was going to give up. Shaking his head, he told himself that going outside was giving up, and that wasn’t going to happen.
~*~
Outside the door, AJ halted his pacing. He decided that Brian would have to make the decision. Whether he did it today or tomorrow, if he was depressed enough, it would happen. Maybe his words had gotten through to him. Maybe he had changed his mind. Just maybe.
Pulling the box of ammunition out of his pocket, AJ made one of the hardest decisions in his life. He pulled a bullet out of the box and rolled it under the door. Merely seconds went by before he noticed Brian’s shadow had blocked the light coming from the crack under the door. He heard a click, which meant the door had now been unlocked. The shadow hovered for a minute or two more then disappeared. AJ knew the bullet had been picked up.
The silence that lingered between him and door drove him crazy. Should he go in? Brian had unlocked the door. AJ decided it was not the right time. Brian had to figure this out on his own. He had done all he could. AJ moved closer to the wall to make his hearing clearer. Still nothing. He took a deep breath and waited.
Nothing happened for quite a while, and AJ wondered what was taking place in that stuffy hotel room. Then, AJ heard two sounds he never wanted to hear: a gunshot and glass shattering.
Putting his back to the wall, AJ slowly slid down. Tears flowed like rivers down his cheeks. He had tried to help. He really had. What was he going to tell the guys? He had given Brian the bullet. He was responsible. What was going to happen to him?
Finally gathering enough courage to slide up the wall and stand up, AJ decided to go into the room. With a trembling hand, he took hold of the doorknob and turned it. He kept his eyes averted to the floor as he walked in. Seeing the broken shards of glass caused him to look up.
AJ could not contain the sharp gasp that came through his lips. There laid Brian, motionless on the bed. The gun had fallen next to him, and the mirror was shattered. AJ turned away from the scene. He couldn’t bare to think of all the good times they had shared together. The memories came anyway, and fresh tears began to form.
Wiping his eyes, AJ noticed a blurred outline of a notebook sitting on the counter next to the door. He realized it must be Brian’s suicide note. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. Upon opening them, he noticed it was not a suicide note, but a letter addressed to him. It read:
Dear AJ,
There once was this boy at the beach. Very slowly, he waded into the water. Wanting to see how far he could go, the boy swam into deeper and deeper water. Suddenly, he realized that he could not swim back. As the waves crashed over him, the boy began to sink. Just as his eyes were about to submerge, a hand reached out and pulled him above the water, saving his life.
That boy did not realize the significance of that moment. He had a friend that was willing to risk everything to save him, just like I did. I was going under, AJ, and you saved me. I just wanted to thank you for pulling me above the water. I may not be on the shore yet, but I’m going to make it there because of you. Thank you for helping me to breath again.
Brian
As he read the last words, AJ’s gaze drifted over to the bed. Brian’s eyes were open, staring at the ceiling. “I was just thinking,” Brian mumbled, causing AJ to move closer so he could hear. “I was just thinking that maybe I might need a break.”
AJ smiled, the joy he was feeling pouring out of him so fast he couldn’t contain it. He hugged Brian tightly, never wanting to let him go.
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